#i am actively dying here

[gregmarriage]

i need to *remembers making suicide jokes is bad for my mental health* move out of my house

[inkskinned]

you were raised in comparison.

it wasn't always obvious (well. except for the times that it was), but you internalized it young. you had to eat what you didn't like, other people are going hungry, and you should be grateful. you had to suck it up and walk on the twisted ankle, it wasn't broken, you were just being a baby. you were never actually suffering, people obviously had it worse than you did.

you had a roof over your head - imagine! with the way you behaved, with how you talked back to your parents? you're lucky they didn't kick you out on your ass. they had friends who had to deal with that. hell, you have friends who had to deal with that. and how dare you imply your father isn't there for you - just because he doesn't ever actually talk to you and just because he's completely emotionally checked out of your life doesn't mean you're not fucking lucky. think about your cousins, who don't even get to speak to their dad. so what if yours has a mean streak; is aggressive and rude. at least you have a father to be rude to you.

you really think you're hurting? you were raised in a home! you had access to clean water! you never so much as came close to experiencing a real problem. sure, okay. you have this "mental illness" thing, but teenagers are always depressed, right. it's a phase, you'll move on with your life.

what do you mean you feel burnt out at work. what do you mean you mean you never "formed healthy coping mechanisms?" we raised you better than that. you were supposed to just shoulder through things. to hold yourself to high expectations. "burning out" is for people with real jobs and real stress. burnout is for people who have sick kids and people who have high-paying jobs and people who are actually experiencing something difficult. recently you almost cried because you couldn't find your fucking car keys. you just have lost your sense of gratitude, and honestly, we're kind of hurt. we tell you we love you, isn't that enough? if you want us to stick around, you need to be better about proving it. you need to shut up about how your mental health is ruined.

it could be worse! what if you were actually experiencing executive dysfunction. if you were really actually sick, would you even be able to look at things on the internet about it? you just spend too much time on webMD. you just like to freak yourself out and feel like you belong to something. you just like playing the victim. this is always how you have been - you've always been so fucking dramatic. you have no idea how good you have it - you're too fucking sensitive.

you were like, maybe too good of a kid. unwilling to make a real fuss. and the whole time - the little points, the little validations - they went unnoticed. it isn't that you were looking for love, specifically - more like you'd just wanted any one person to actually listen. that was all you'd really need. you just needed to be witnessed. it wasn't that you couldn't withstand the burden, but you did want to know that anyone was watching. these days, you are so accustomed to the idea of comparison - you don't even think you belong in your own communities. someone always fits better than you do. you're always the outlier. they made these places safe, and then you go in, and you are just not... quite the same way that would actually-fit.

you watch the little white ocean of your numbness lap at your ankles. the tide has been coming in for a while, you need to do something about it. what you want to do is take a nap. what you want to do is develop some kind of time machine - it's not like you want your life to stop, not completely, but it would really nice if you could just get everything to freeze, just for a little while, just until you're finished resting. but at least you're not the worst you've been. at least you have anything. you're so fucking lucky. do you have any concept of the amount of global suffering?

a little ant dies at the side of your kitchen sink. you look at its strange chitinous body and think - if you could just somehow convince yourself it is enough, it will finally be enough and you can be happy. no changes will have to be made. you just need to remember what you could lose. what is still precious to you.

you can't stop staring at the ant. you could be an ant instead of a person, that is how lucky you are. it's just - you didn't know the name of the ant, did you. it's just - ants spend their whole life working, and never complain. never pull the car over to weep.

it's just - when it died, it curled up into a tight little ball.

something kind of uncomfortable: you do that when you sleep.

[aroanthy]

i love how fraught and complicated discourse around various utena characters ‘dying’ is when anthy is literally stabbed to death eternally by a million swords imbued with human hatred. and then utena gets stabbed to death by them also. like. ‘death’ is incredibly interesting in rgu because most of the time it’s this ambiguous figurative thing that has interesting implications re: ohtori as a closed-off world one can escape. we are all trapped in our coffins. mamiya is the only named character with a grave. nemuro memorial hall functions as one all the same. ruka is implied to have died in the hospital— was he dead all along? who was the boy we saw for these two episodes? is this dead boy the same boy, or is this just another coincidence from the shadow girls, cutting like a knife? it’s heavily implied that akio and anthy murder kanae by poisoning her, adding to the previous implication that they were poisoning mr ohtori too, but there are no perceptible consequences of this. kanae’s absence is not felt. she’s fed an apple slice. what happens to the bodies? we know what happened to the 100 boys, but what about everyone else? and so on and so forth. ‘death’ is a tricky thing in utena, i think it’s constantly functioning on figurative and literal levels in very different ways for very different purposes. dios died. dios was dying. dios didn’t die. he grew up. etc etc

[wazzappp]

Was talking about 'a court of thorns and roses' with a coworker (haven't read the books but I respect the fairy porn as much as I respect any other porn which is a decent amount) but I screwed up and said 'a thort of corns and roses'.

So now im stuck imagining a world thats mostly similar except the main lady is a farmer tending to her cornfield and has to fight off hordes of faries who ravenously desire corn but can't grow it so they have to steal it. Also the main girl has a lisp so she calls her 'fort' a 'thort'.

[meiloorunsmoothie]

i'm so jimmy brained right now the amount of times i've watched they just keep moving the line and cut print moving on oh also the 2x9 set interview is insane my spotify is overrun with hit list right now and the highlight of my days is literally the last 40 minutes when i watch (1) episode of smash because that's all i have time for that's not to say that i'm not thinking about jimmy all the time these days no jimmy what are you doing but i still love you anyways i'm clearly great how are all of you?

[banqanas]

_(:3JL)_

[rhythmic-idealist]

In retrospect I apologize for the lack of a “at least daily for sure” answer

[dunmertwink]

.

[pianokantzart]

I second the previous anon. I’m astonished at your skill and I can only hope to be as good as you one day! You’re feeding the fandom good and we owe you our collective souls. 😆💗

STOP

[your-local-fools-treasury]

kill me if you want, but I'm not a big fan of lasagne

[hella1975]

assigning a character the highest honour like *adds go home by julien baker to their playlist*

[pixlmonkeys]

DAMN IT I am COLD and SNIFFLY and my THROAT HURTS but my BODY TEMPERATURE IS 98.1 so I’m not sure WHAT is going on

[namira]

Honestly like sometimes I see the shit other people go to the ER about and it just confounds me. We live in very different worlds.

[eclipsecrowned]

opens my wallet.

this close to starting a fund to buy people the ebook of the first stormleet novel if it opens the possibility of the rpc expanding.

[bakatenshii]

ok not to get more deeplore and i know i just said i wasnt gonna take this seriously oopsies (I’M NOT I PROMISE) but

[autogeneity]

sigh, failing to escape the sneaking avolition/abulia effects of my halved medication dose