#i am able to somewhat avoid socializing

[wizardnuke]

i love college and i love my friends it is extremely good and enriching for me to be doing all this but 10am-5pm near constant social contact three times a week is killing me a little bit. anyway next week one of those 10-5s is going to be a 10-6 and the week after is an 8-7 sort of situation. help me

[genshxn]

dan heng being bad at feelings, the sequel.

started writing this pre-1.3, so i am once again emphasizing that i am making shit up. (well, 1.3 dropped while still working on this and the TB mission was rather lacklustre, so i'm gonna half ignore it).

sorry for any typos/mistakes/whatever, most of this was written at dubious hours of the night.

contains. mild-moderate canon divergence, dubious jing yuan shenanigans, dh being somewhat down bad. i dropped a bit too much spice in, so it is no longer “mild”. take that as you will.

7.5K words. THIS IS SO FUCKING EMBARRASSING.

here's the first part in case you haven't read it. you're still not the trailblazer.

tags: @akhiran @cypunk-0 @fiona782 @seelelovesbronya @bleakqblake @xiaos-poems

this place is not a place of honour. no highly esteemed deed is commemorated here…nothing valued is here. Below 15, DNI. Go away.

the next day, you awoke to a feeling of emptiness at your side. any part of the bed that your limbs weren’t splayed upon was long cold with dan heng’s absence. you were alone, still left in the nest of sheets and pillows he arranged himself. it couldn’t have all been some kind of fever-dream, could it? 

no, any such possibility was dashed when you looked at the messages on your phone. one unread, left two hours ago. 

with the ellipsis and all. oh, the self-inflicted misery. (does he really consider every single person his enemy?) you sighed, swinging your feet off the side of the bed to get up. if you knew him well enough, then you already knew the next little while was going to be tricky, to say the least. it was obvious what his plan was from the beginning, with him abandoning your side at the sun’s first rays: avoidance. 

and avoid you, he did. in the denouement after phantylia’s attack, he still had to be around you, but the stiltedness he carried with him was palpable. he made a point to stand as socially acceptably far from you. it was almost like he was acting like a ghost solely to you. elusive, non-communicative, only seen out of the corner of your eye. perhaps leaving you with the lingering feeling of being watched, and ultimately gone before you could even call his name. in fact, he quite literally ghosted you. he wouldn’t even respond to your messages.

once the day after the final events rolled around, you thought that maybe he would have had enough time to finally be able to face you again, but no. apparently he elected to confine himself to the archives the moment he returned aboard the express. however, this didn’t deter you from going knocking on his door. 

"dan heng?" you tapped on the sealed door. your ear was right up against the frame, listening intently. 

whatever shuffling was coming from within fell still at your voice. 

"dan heng, i know you’re in there. i just heard you stop moving." 

there was more silence, then followed by a sigh. "did pom-pom not relay my one request?" 

"no, they did. told me that i’m not allowed near the archives."

"yet you’re still here…" his voice was strained, and distant from the door. he must have been sitting either at his desk or on his thin, messy futon. beyond that, it was hard to imagine what he was doing in there, or even what he looked like. it was surprising. you thought he struggled to control his form, but it seemed no problem when he wasn’t with you. so was he the regular old dan heng sitting in there? or the vidyadhara that laid next to you that night? 

"you really think i’m gonna listen? i never do." you squared yourself further towards the door. "now, c’mon. we’re already talking, so can’t you just—" 

"n-no, i can’t," he cut you off. "i… i’m sorry, but not here, and not like this." 

"can you at least tell me why you say you can’t be around m—?" almost as if on cue, in came an angry pom-pom inbound like a squishy freight train. 

"hey! what did pom-pom just say?!" they cried. "can’t you follow one simple rule for the time being?"

as pom-pom ushered you away from the archives with weak thumps to the back of your legs, you grunted to yourself. you were tempted to chuck them in the opposite direction, but alas, such a thing was not in the cards for you. after all, it would be wise to not tempt fate with the conductor. things seemed like they were going to be more difficult than you anticipated.

░░░░░░░

early the next morning, long before either march or stelle would rise, you shuffled your way into the parlor car in search of food. if it was going to be anything like yesterday, you were anticipating being the only one in the parlor car. however, to your surprise, there was another person present when you silently closed the door behind you—dan heng. he was in his regular appearance of shorter, fluffy hair and his regular attire. you sighed as quietly as you could, staring at the back of his head that leant on his wrist, propped up on the table. seeing him staring dejectedly at the food was a sorry sight.

the unspoken tradition you had with him was that when the whole express wasn’t eating together, it’d always be you two sharing your meals together. it began when you first joined the express—after dan heng himself, but before march. left adrift as a vagrant amidst the stars, you were all too familiar with the feeling of loneliness. it was always at its worst when you managed to gather together enough scraps to resemble the meals you used to eat in your old home. to you, when possible, meals were something that should be shared in the company of others. so when you first saw dan heng sat alone on your first proper morning aboard, you saw part of yourself in him. a part that you wanted gone, now that you had a new home. so you sat yourself down next to him, your own food in hand. you were met with some minor (albeit polite) resistance, but you being the stubborn ass you were, would not have it. you knew your persistence was risky, but it paid off. not long after that, he would wait until you were sitting with him. 

so to see that sight left you saddened, but also vehemently annoyed. normalcy was out the window thanks to this baffling, self-imposed restriction he had against you. as quietly as you could, you stalked up behind him. moving as lightly as possible felt like it was the only way possible to get closer to him. it wasn’t like he developed a sudden allergy to your presence or something, was it?

you were successful in thwarting his pre-occupied senses as you reached the velvet couch. but maybe you were too successful, because he almost leapt out of his skin when you planted yourself down next to him. you leaned against the table and spoke. "how about us talking if it’s over breakfast?"

he did manage to calm down, but not by a lot, and not enough to give you a reply. his expression was still frazzled as he struggled to keep himself in place. 

"can you please tell me if i’ve done something wrong? i don’t understand why we’re suddenly like strangers again," you said, reaching out to put your hand atop his one that was clenched at his side. but he snatched it away before you could feel the warmth of it.

"it’s my fault. you’ve done nothing," he said. "but please, i need some time before i can talk to you properly."

he turned to get up and leave, but you caught him by the sleeve. "w-wait, by why?" you trailed off, voiced far weaker than intended.

the look he gave you was weird. it was a jumble of confused emotions, but the most you could make out was nervousness. you had no idea what that light flush could have meant for you. his mouth parted to make some sort of reply, and you could have sworn you the glimpse of sharpened canines. "since when have you had fangs in this appearance?" you blurted out after doing a double take.

his eyes flared wide open and a hand flew over his mouth. "s-since never." with that, he slipped from your grasp. "please excuse me."

you watched incredulously as he walked out of the parlour car and back towards the archives as if he had wooden knees. you had no idea what just happened. rejection, you supposed. but considering how he was that night, it made no sense. nothing about this made any sense. 

whatever it was, it was slowly eroding your patience, leaving you biting the inside of your lips in irritation. it’s true you were doing some type of avoidance when his alternate form was finally revealed, but it was nothing of this calibre. it was almost impossible for it to be the case with dan heng, but if this really was some kind of petty revenge, he may as well have whipped out a steel chair after you knocked shoulders with him.

░░░░░░░

your shameful failure of an interaction left you in need of recuperation. you hadn’t felt that irked and downright baffled since one of herta’s curios fell on your head. so now, you were blathering a ranting tirade at stelle and march over some snacks, all in the parlour car. "i swear to whatever aeon’s listening, he’s turned emo or something." you folded your arms across your chest, sinking down in your plush chair. 

"like he wasn’t before?" stelle mumbled, not looking up from whatever gacha game she was playing on her phone. 

"eh, not really. he does have his moments, though." march shrugged, grabbing a single chip. "but yeah, i’ve never seen anything like this. it’s so weird, he almost never avoids you like this!"

"hence why i’m so confused."

"things seemed to get pretty tense between the two of you after he had his magical girl transformation," stelle added while shovelling a handful of chips into her mouth, still not looking up. "then maybe… the day after phantylia, he got even weirder."

"yeah, like, he won’t go near you for some reason, but he keeps staring at you so longingly and sighing like you’re the last cookie in the jar and he’s been told he can’t have any more!" march said with the melodramatic flourish of a swoon.

"that one sounds like it’s based on real experiences." stelle cast her a sideways glance, to which march let out a sniff and wiped away a dry tear.

"just how much has he been doing that?" you muttered, unable to comprehend. 

"a fair amount from what i’ve seen. he’s looked like a kicked puppy every single time," march said. "well, as much as dan heng can look like a kicked puppy." 

"not that he’s particularly talkative, but i’ve tried asking him about it. was only met with howling winds of jarilo-vi’s everwinter storm." stelle placed her phone down on the table and sat back with her arms crossed. "but now, he’s just being straight up weird. (y/n), what’d you do to him?"

"yeah, i mean, he won’t even eat in the mornings if you’re there!" march cried. 

your nails dug into your knees as you looked at your lap. you could feel a heat creeping onto your face as you recalled him so close to you. his words still rung in your head. if they were true, then what the fuck was he doing now? "i—i don’t really want to say, since it’s between him and i," you said. "but some pretty… significant things happened, i guess."

march suddenly drew in a comically loud gasp. "DID HE FINALLY CONFE—" she began, but you clapped your hand over her mouth before she could finish. 

"must’ve," stelle said, leaning forward with her hands on the table loosely clasped in front of her. 

"it wasn’t… exactly like that." your voice was low. your attempts to protect your dignity were feeble at best. it’s true, he never explicitly told you he has feelings for you in the classic format of ‘i like you’, but… who were kidding, it was a confession in all forms except literalness. you grabbed at your face, hiding the creeping heat behind your hands with a groan. 

"no, it was totally a love confession. he’s been head over heels for you for a while now! even when i first met you two, it was so obvious he had a big ol’ crush on you. how’d you not notice it?!" 

"cuz they’re denser than dan heng." stelle deadpanned, staring right at you.

"if you’re going to be making indirect insults about me, at least do it to my face," a familiar voice muttered from somewhere a distance behind you. in walked dan heng, eyes closed and pinching the bridge of his nose. he was once again in his normal appearance. stelle immediately squashed you down beneath the square table, leaving you only to look at everyone’s legs. 

"oh, so the elusive dan heng finally graces us with his presence, huh?" you couldn’t see march’s face, but you knew she was making a half-lidded, unimpressed frown at him—the certified march classic.

"i’ve had a lot of information to collate and put into the archives, so i’ve been busy—" his words stopped short. from around the bend of the chair’s edge, you could see him inch closer to the table. 

"been busy what? you just stopped talking." march sounded confused. 

"is that… (y/n)’s scent?" his tone was far sharper, but his wording sounded unsure. 

"are you calling them stinky? that’s kinda rude, isn’t it?" march frowned. 

"huh? no, of course not!" he sputtered. "it’s just v-vidyadhara senses. they’re quite acute." there was the shuffling of some fabric. he must have crossed his arms.

"well i say it’s cuz you’re going heehee-silly-delulu with your big fat crush on them." march chimed in. your eyes widened as you frowned. why were they both baiting the literal dragon?

the only sound that came out of dan heng was something like an indignant cry that was cut-off at its head. "i… i do not—"

"you don’t like them? alright, keep telling yourself that," stelle said. 

"…what hand does (y/n) have in this? they were just here, weren’t they?" he took a few steps towards the table. you imagined him with a strained look on his face, fighting to keep his composure like he yesterday. as he was stood right in front of you, you felt yourself shrinking back. it was maybe only seconds until ground zero—until everything hit the fan. "because that’s their scent nearby…" he changed his footing just a touch, and the second you saw the tips of his fluffy hair peak down past the table, you launched headlong into him. not by your own volition, but because a heeled boot slammed into your lower back, jetting you forward. your face collided with some part of his legs (of which was not very soft), sending you both in the same direction with simultaneous cries. there was a significant thud when dan heng hit the floor, and your head knocked into something bony.

your eyes cracked open, rubbing your forehead with a groan, but all sounds fell silent when you realized you were hovering between his knees. you stared up at him with wide eyes and a stifled breath, where he met your owlish gaze with his own. in other words, you were almost right between his legs. both of your faces lit like infernos, but neither of you moved. a grand total of two seconds passed before the vidyadhara features came out. it was quick—his horns rose from his head, and his hair spilt over his shoulders. his tail appeared behind him, laying still. even his clothes suddenly swapped out on him. his chest rose and fell as his breath seemed to quicken. 

"s-sorry," you swallowed thickly. in almost an instant, he dug one of his clawed hands into his arm. he clambered to his feet, unable to look you in the eye.

"wh-what the hell was that?" his voice cracked.

"fuck, that was my bad." stelle said from behind you. 

"ngh, you… please excuse me," he quickly turned and strode back towards the archives, still holding onto his arm. you hadn’t moved from the floor when you watched the passenger cabin’s door close behind him. 

"what the heck, stelle?!" march cried, startling you.

"holy fuck, i’m so sorry. i did not think it’d go like that," stelle said. when you looked back over, she was leaning back and had raked her bangs back, hand still on her forehead.

"how did you think it’d go?" you groaned, unsteadily raising to your feet once again.

"i dunno, but not like that."

"why’d he suddenly change like that, i wonder?" march tapped her finger to her chin, looking off to the side. 

"cuz he’s down bad." stelle looked very confident in her answer. 

you almost choked on your spit.

"he’s down bad, but then he keeps running off 'cuz refuses to let himself be so."

"what kind of a theory is that?!" march huffed.

"a simple observation. mr. yang says i’m perceptive, so i have final authority on all judgements ever made." stelle crossed her arms over her chest, face seldom making any expressions. "and i say exactly what i said."

you stood with your head hanging in your hands, burning with embarrassment. things couldn’t keep going on like this. if this was the new dynamic, then how were any of you supposed to function while you’re out trailblazing? how were any of you supposed to function even just normally? that was it. you raised your head until your eyes lifted from behind your hands, a new resolve filling your blood. maybe jing yuan might know something. 

░░░░░░░

managing to secure a time to speak to jing yuan was unbelievably easy. then again, you should gave guessed it’d be. over messages, he told you that since he’s been doing nothing but resting, he’s incredibly bored—someone to see or speak to is more than welcome. and so, it quickly was organized that you could stop by a planned location in aurum alley to see him.

the time soon rolled around, as long as it took. during the day, as expected, there was no sign of dan heng having any interest in interacting with you normally, much to your growing irritation and mild chagrin. even march and stelle were shaking their heads and clicking their tongues in disapproval. 

it didn’t take long for you to get there. you agreed to meet him in a small, secluded area, just out of the way of eyes that might seek to pry into the general’s private business. it was a bit into the early evening. it wasn’t too hard to find him sitting at his table since he wasn't exactly the most conspicuous person out there. the golden artificial sunlight poured in from an oblique angle overhead, coating the tucked-away courtyard in a honeyed light. once he saw you approaching, jing yuan cast you one of his usual sleepy, cattish smiles. 

"um, hello," you spoke, pulling out a seat next to him. 

"and to what do i owe the pleasure?" there was almost a purr in his voice. "tell me, what is it you wished to speak about?" he leaned forward, resting his head on his wrist propped up on the table. "or did you simply come here to chat with me because you felt like it?" he made a closed-eyed smile laced with mischief. 

"ah, i’m sorry to disappoint, but it’s because i’m having a bit of a dilemma." you scratched the back of your head with an awkward laugh. "please hear me out on this one, but it’s about dan heng." 

"oh, dan heng? what about him?" jing yuan tilted his head. "as it stands, i’m afraid you might know him better than i do, unfortunately. so i don’t know if i would be able to provide the best of help for you." there was a faint, bittersweet smile on his lips, making you bite your own. 

"it’s, ah, a little more about him as a vidyadhara, i suppose. i’m not sure if he has anything in common with his previous incarnation, but i thought there must be something there." 

"well, i can say his obstinance seems to have certainly survived reincarnation."

"it’s thriving," you huffed, at which jing yuan lightly laughed. 

"so is that the root of your problem? him being too stubborn on something?" 

"that’s about it, yeah." you pressed your lips into a line. "he’s been avoiding me for… reasons i won’t divulge… and i don’t what i can do to get him to talk to me again." 

"you don’t need to put it like that. i can tell he really likes you," he said, the trace of a smug grin on his face. after you coughed loudly, he continued. "he’s rather obvious if you know what you’re looking for. but anyway, what happened between you two? if i’m allowed to know, that is." 

you swallowed nervously. should you really be revealing everything like this? you did it anyway. "one night, we said a few things of… i guess questionably romantic nature to each other, and he reacted in a way that i think was influenced by some sort of… vidyadhara shenanigans."

jing yuan looked at you with raised eyebrows and wide eyes. "go on." 

"he hauled me off to his bed and then got uncharacteristically affectionate. he had a back-and-forth with self-doubt once he realized i was really confused by it all, but i told him it’s fine. i mean, i even pet his horns out of my own volition and stuff." it was all coming out at this point. "then he eventually drifted off and then pretty much declared his feelings in his half-sleep. but even though i told him i’m fine with him doing whatever he was doing, he still decided to run off the next morning. i’ve tried to talk to him repeatedly, but he won’t reply to my messages and he almost freaks out every time i’m in his vicinity. i don’t get it!" 

"mm, that’s quite the situation on your hands there," jing yuan hummed. there was a mischievous spark in his eye, and you weren’t sure if you liked the look of it. "now, i couldn’t tell you the specifics, but if you say he got ’uncharacteristically affectionate’, then that’s definitely some old vidyadhara response. they can get very protective over the things they love." 

your gaze dropped somewhere in front of your as your face prickled with heat at his words. 

"but now, i’d wager he’s stuck in some sort of self-imposed battle of will against himself."

"and how would you suggest i get him out of it?" 

"i suppose there is technically the option of waiting this out," he glanced at your face. you looked embittered at such an inane suggestion, making him laugh. "or you could simply make him lose the battle, since it sounds like he’s set on taking it ad infinitum, if needed." 

"small issue… i’m now allowed near the archives," you sighed, leaning yourself back. "it’s hard to simply go there with both the conductor banning me as well as dan heng refusing to open his door." 

"hmm…" jing yuan shifted his hand beneath his chin. "might i do something a bit uncouth?" 

"uhh, okay." 

"come here for a moment." he slid himself next to you, turning to face you a little more. with a slight frown, you turned towards him as well. "now, i can’t guarantee his reaction to this, but—" he suddenly pulled you closer toward him and placed his head in the crook of your neck—the same side dan heng had his. one hand snuck its way around your neck and held the base of your neck ever so gently, while the other looped around your back. you had to fight a shudder when you could feel jing yuan’s lips ghost over your neck and shoulder. "if i do this, it may be enough to knock him from this cycle of his." 

"wh-what?" you strained out. 

"he’ll be able to tell i’ve been with you. and by the places i’ve been in contact with you…" he said, voice low. his faint breaths were cool on your shoulder. you couldn’t suppress a slight shiver. "…it should be enough to grant you access to… the archives, was it?" 

"y-yeah." you blinked a few times. your brain had been reduced to a single cell bouncing around inside your brain like a shitty maraca. 

jing yuan finally pulled back, assuming his original pose. "please forgive me for that… but you’ll likely see why i did it." he still couldn’t help but wear his usual small grin for the second part. "i’d now recommend that you find him again, and try to keep his attention long enough for him to notice you were with me. vidyadhara’s senses of smell are perceptive, so it shouldn’t be long. well now, you’d best get back then." his stupid grin was even wider and even smugger. his gaze wasn’t condescending, but read more as if he were thinking just wait and see.

"i… guess i’ll be going then. th-thank you, general." you made an awkward bow as you hustled back the way you came, hyperaware of the air brushing against your shoulder. it all felt incredibly foreboding… but that was to be expected when you were about to enter the dragon’s den. 

░░░░░░░

your plan was flawless:

1. jing yuan does his shit

2. go back to the express. 

3. bait with bubble tea to get the door open. 

4. "talk" to dan heng long enough until he notices jing yuan was up to something

5. ???

6. profit. 

just as detailed, to further your chances of getting that door cracked open, you decided to buy a bubble tea. a classic milk should have sufficed, since he tended to favour the more simple things. the chances of him actually opening the door to take it were already slim, but desperate times called for desperate measures. knowing him, he’d simply make you leave it at the door, which was a problem. so there you were, stuck on an express couch, plotting. (or, perhaps more aptly, chewing your nails in nerves). as you sat there, in waddled pom-pom, looking mighty chuffed for some unknown reason.

"hm-hm-hm! dinner of pom-pom’s own creation will be ready in just over 20 minutes!" they declared, puffing their stuffed chest. they waited for any reaction, but no one looked up at them, making them deflate with a scowl. "stelle, (y/n) you go tell everyone," they grumbled, shuffling back into the passenger cart and beyond. 

"wait, what?" you looked up—you hadn’t even noticed them. 

"we’re on messenger duty," stelle said from her seat. she was placed upside down on the couch, hair grazing the ground while she played her usual gacha games. 

"can i try and deal with dan heng?"

"i mean, sure." she looked over at you. "but what’re you plotting?"

"my entry into the archives. i come baring gifts." you motioned towards the untouched bubble tea sitting in front of you. 

"i’ll leave you to it. i’ll go tell march and the others then." she chucked her phone elsewhere on the couch and got up, wandering towards the passenger car. you followed shortly behind, offering in hand. 

it was a short walk. you knew you were being dramatic, but you couldn’t help but grow more and more nervous the closer you drew to the archives. you had already weathered so many rejections, so it’s not like this was going to somehow have a worse result. perhaps it was because you put too much on this. you’ve gone to a rather large effort just to have a slim chance of getting him to open the door—speaking of, you were already there. 

you raised your hand to knock on it, but before you could even lay your hand on it, dan heng spoke from inside. "what is it, (y/n)?" he was once again somewhere further off in the room, speaking with undecipherable emotions. 

"um." your voice cracked, making you cringe. "pom-pom said dinner’s ready in 20." 

"ah. thank you," he said plainly. it still kinda stung, being back at what felt like the stage where you were only acquaintances. 

"i also got you something." you tried to cast another line. 

"you can leave it at the door." 

you flopped your head against the door. of course he said it. "i’d rather give it to you now. it’s some bubble tea. the ice is melting." there was no response. you couldn’t tell what he was doing. "c’mon, it’s not like you’re sick or something." 

"hah, more like lovesick," stelle called as she walked past behind you. 

"stelle!" dan heng cried indignantly. he sounded closer to the door. "i am not—"

"if you’re not, then open the door." she simply kept walking. 

you were stood with wide, unblinking eyes and an open mouth, watching her jacket pass through the cabin door until you were left alone in the hall. the door suddenly slid open a little. you jumped, turning to stare up at him. as usual, there was a strained look on his face that he was trying to suppress. "see, i’m not—" he looked out and around for stelle, but she was nowhere to be seen. instead, he simply sighed. 

you tried to swallow your heart beating in your throat, but it still hammered away. "hi." 

he closed his eyes, leaning his head on the inner door frame. "hello," his voice sounded tired. tired with himself. "please forgive me for how i’ve been acting. i know it’s not fair to you. it’s just…" 

"i know, you need more time. you like to say it," you muttered with a slight, strained grin. "by the way, here’s your tea. it’s just your usual order." you held it out it to him, and he looked down at it with softened eyes. as he went to grab it, his fingertips brushed over yours. he seemed more startled than you, but after a moment’s hesitation, he placed his hand back over top of yours.

"i haven’t been completely honest with you," he said. (that was certainly one way of putting it).

you held your breath, as if making a single noise could suddenly startle him back into the archives. 

"i… since that night, i haven’t known what to do with mysel—" he suddenly paused, frowning the tiniest bit. he leaned forward, seeming to concentrate on something with closed eyes. once they opened again, his pupils had constricted into slits, and he was staring intently at you. uh oh. 

"wh-what is it?" 

"where were you before this?" he took the tea from you and placed it somewhere next to the door frame inside the archives. 

your stomach flipped. was this really going where you thought it was? "um. i was wandering around aurum alley." it wasn't a lie. "why?" 

"that’s not all. what else?" he took you by the arm and drew you into the archives. it was an uncharacteristic mess in there. low-lit, and with clothes, books and items were strewn all over the place, perhaps as a reflection of his state. you watched the door close behind you, and when you looked back, there stood dan heng with his full vidyadhara look on display, right in front of you. uh oh. 

he stepped closer to you until you could feel the warmth of his body radiating off of him, then grabbing hold of your shoulders. it was a tight grip, but not enough to hurt yet. he dipped his head into the crook of your neck and drew in a long but quiet inhale. "what were you doing with jing yuan?" his voice was low, almost with a slight growl. as he spoke, his arms had wound around shoulders, so he was holding the back of your head, just like jing yuan was. only far harsher than the other’s ghost-like touch. 

yes, this was going the direction you thought it was. "we—we only met to talk about something," you sputtered out, your heart in your throat again.

"then why do i smell him on you, as if you were doing something more than just talking?" with a free hand, he took your jaw and turned your face towards him. he was only inches away from you, gazing at you with narrowed, dimly-glowing eyes. "why go to him when you have me?" 

you frowned, eyes wide. "huh? what do you mean i have you? you’ve refused to speak to me normally ever since the morning after you hauled me to your bed. besides, i-it’s not what you think." 

but your words were lost on him. "no, this won’t do." his voice was barely a murmur. he seemed to be living in his own version of the world. dragon-brain was back, evidently a fuller force than ever. you weren’t sure what you were expecting, but it wasn’t him drawing you even closer, placing his head in the crook of your neck and nuzzling. your face lit like an inferno as some kind of noise escaped your lips. it was really back to the nuzzling. only with surprising fervour, this time. he nestled his face into your neck, exhaling small sighs against you. his nose and lips brushing against your skin was almost ticklish, but you weren’t laughing when his tail snaked itself around your hips, twining itself down one of your legs. 

"d-dan heng?!" you cried when he suddenly lifted you with his hands clasped beneath the backs of your thighs, assisted by the tail. he had his mouth placed right over top of your collar bone, watching where he was going from over your shoulder. "dan heng, put me down!" you had to hold onto his back and shoulders for stability. 

he gave you no reply, only taking you back to his mussed futon. similar to his bed at the inn, the blanket was strewn in a way akin to the base of a nest. stray pieces of clothing made up the rest of lack-lustre structure—you could have sworn one of your own old shirts you’d forgotten somewhere was poking out from beneath a different article. dan heng sat himself down in the centre of the futon and brought you into lap. your position was a bit awkward as you sat perpendicular across from him. both your legs went one direction while your torso was turned to face him. he sunk his head into the crook of your neck again, drawing in more, shorter inhales. 

"seriously, wh—what are you doing?" 

"he’s still on you." he said against your shoulder, warmth breath making you shiver. there was a slight growl in his throat again. 

"even after that?" as you spoke, he tilted your head away, exposing more of your neck. "hey, w-wai—ah!" you made a cry of pain when a pair of fangs suddenly bit down into your shoulder. it wasn’t hard enough to draw much blood, but more than enough to hurt. you shuddered with some ungodly, almost harrowed noise when his tongue glided over what would blossom into a bruise. his arms and tail wound tighter around you, as if you might slip away at any second. he moved on, this time toward your jaw, peppering it with desperate kisses. you tried to say his name as he trailed down in between his own rapid-growing breaths. he was panting once he reached your shoulder, his kisses sloppy. in some work of miraculous dexterity, he had readjusted your seat on him until his waist was slotted between your legs. all the while, one hand was in your hair angling your head for his best reach, the other around your back. you had to hide your face in his hair when he had began making small vocalizations, something like tiny whines. 

you said his name again, this time louder when he trailed his fangs back up your shoulder. right after he left a hot kiss on your shoulder, he bit down again. you seethed in pain, trying to push his head off, but you were only met with purrs. even though he didn’t seem fully aware of what was going on, those purrs had to be weaponized against you. he shifted to another part of your shoulder, mouthing another kiss on it, but before he could bite, you grabbed his horn.

"dan heng!" you yanked his head back, surprising him. but instead of some sort of pained cry, he let out a heady moan. to your surprise, that noise slipping from his mouth seemed to restore his lucidity in an instant. his dilated eyes shot wide open and his hands flew to cover his mouth, almost sending himself backwards in the process. his face burned with embarrassment, colouring his cheeks and pointed ears in a bright crimson. you huffed, but didn’t remove yourself from your position. in fact, you anchored yourself down by locking your ankles behind his back if he were to try and push you off.

"(y/n) to dan heng, can you hear me?" you said, almost tempted to knock on his forehead. 

"i-it happened again," his voice was quiet in horror. 

"hey, i need you to listen to me before you clam up on me again." you brought one hand to the side of his face, gently making him look up at you. he jumped at the contact, sending his hands further up his face until they were covering his eyes. 

"please forgive me," he rushed out.

"look at me," you said softly, placing one hand on top of his to move it to the side—one of his faintly glowing eyes glanced at you. "i’m more happy to make out with you, but we need to talk first."

he made a strangled groan of embarrassment in answer, moving his hand back in place again. 

"are you listening?" 

he nodded.

"alright, the whole thing with jing yuan was me asking about you," you said. "i thought he might know a bit about you as a vidyadhara and your behaviour, so i went to ask what i could do to get you to let me into the archives. his idea was a less than tactful, but i guess it worked. that’s why ‘his scent was on me’, as you say. he only stuck his head on my shoulder for a bit because you’d be able to tell and then demand an explanation or something." 

his fingers had parted to show his eyes again, and they were staring in bewilderment. 

"so, i’m sorry for doing all that to you." your voice was soft. "i just wanted to see you."

"no, i should be apologizing. i have no control of myself and i haven’t been fair to you." he lowered his hands to hovering somewhere over his chest. "i was saying before… since that night, i have been an embarrassment. all i’ve wanted to do is steal you away and… smother you in affection until you returned it. the feeling was so intense that i didn’t trust myself around you, so i hid. i thought if i waited, it’d calm down, but it really only made it worse."

your heart swooned then and there, lighting a fire in your cheeks. "o-oh… so if i did return it, then you wouldn’t act like a lovesick ghost anymore?" 

"hey." he frowned, but his face soon fell back into the same flustered expression from before. "but to answer you, maybe after a while. i could also just get worse… but i really don’t want to subject you anything you don’t want." while he couldn’t meet your gaze, he still leaned his head into the palm of your hand. with a sigh, you held his jaw and angled his face to look at you again. 

"how many times do i have to say i don’t mind? you can’t seem to fit that one through that thick vidyadhara skull of yours." you did actually knock on his head this time, making him wince.

"i—i don’t know, i just get embarrassed." he hid face his face against your chest, face a shade redder and his ears drooping. "you also always look so shocked. i don’t want to do that to you." 

"that’s only because you tend to forget any kind of warning," you said with a light laugh. "truly, i like it—when you give me warning, that is—because i really like you too, stupid." 

his breath audibly hitched, and he raised his head back up. "t-too? but i’ve never said—" 

"are you kidding? you don’t need to say it when the aeons and their grandmas know. even march says it’s obvious. you’re seriously worried about that after you’ve made out with my shoulder sloppy style? by the way, what was with the bites?"

"ngh, don’t word it like that." his tail that was still tangled around you thumped against your back indignantly. "…and the bites are a weird territorial thing. i’m sorry if they hurt." he leaned his head against you, running his thumb over one of the marks.

"dragons…" you sighed with a smile. "you’re lucky you’re so cute." you pet his hair, and he leaned into your touch.

he moved his chin so it was on your collarbone, looking up at you with softened eyes. there were almost stars of reverence in them when he gazed at you. "i love you."

"wait, wha—" you began, but he swallowed the rest of your words when his lips were upon yours. he pressed himself up against you, his hands gently holding the sides of your face. as he kissed you, there was a faint rumbling and vibration coming from his chest—he was purring.  

he pulled back again, leaving you a little short of breath and a lot dazed. you’d always thought it’d be you that had to kiss him first, not the other way around. he began to leave another trail of kisses starting from your lips to your jaw, this time leading toward the other side he had already been. your hands fell from their place on him and inched onto his back while his lips were on your neck. one hand slipped into his back window, and he suddenly gasped. his back arched into you, almost knocking you over. he panicked, and his tail constricted behind you like another set of arms to catch you. 

"what was that?" you laughed, trying to re-steady yourself. 

"your hand was cold. i don’t know, i guess i have a sensitive back," he huffed. his ears were angled down and a flush was heavy on his face. you couldn’t really articulate what it was about him, but you were suddenly overcome with cuteness aggression. you leaned your weight onto him, sending him backwards onto the futon and—perhaps somewhat out of revenge—hovered yourself over top of his hips. he stared up at you with widened eyes and a held breath, frozen and waiting for your next move. 

"you said i need to return your affection, didn’t you?" 

he swallowed and nodded the tiniest bit. 

"so let me have some fun too, my beloved." you placed a hand on his cheek.

"wait, you heard—i actually said that?" it almost looked like steam would start rising from the top of his head at any point. 

"heard it loud and clear." you smiled to yourself, leaning down and managing to get your fingertips into his chest window—only for the door to slam wide open. 

"hey, it’s dinner! what’re you two even doi—!" march called, leaning her hand on the doorway. you and dan heng leapt off each other, landing on the opposite sides of his futon. march stared in silence for a long while before lolling her head back. "jeez, finally! anyway, can you two wait until after dinner? pom-pom’s ‘bouta blow a gasket waiting for you two."

"w-we’ll be there in a minute," you said, trying to readjust your collar to try and hide dan heng’s bite marks. 

"don’t be long!" march said as she strode back off down the hallway. a couple beats passed and you looked over at dan heng. by some miracle, he’d managed to swap himself back to his human look, but he still looked disheveled as he went to stand back up. 

he held a hand out to you and pulled you up, pausing for a moment. he glanced at the bite marks on your shoulder that still peaked out, made some sort of strained sound and then removed his coat. "they don’t need to see that," he said as he strung it around your shoulders, fixing the collar so it hid the marks from sight.

"i’m wearing your coat. march saw us before. if she learns something, it’s guaranteed to be said," you deadpanned. "they’ll know."

instead of giving you a direct response, he took your hand in his and lead you out of the archives, looking at you with what was probably meant to be a neutral expression. his light flush and knitted eyebrows betrayed him though. "can we at least pretend we have dignity?"

"i mean, sure, but it’s not gonna do anything, looking the way we do. now c’mon, don’t wanna keep the conductor waiting." you walked off with him in tow. 

he only made a small groan in response again. 

[littlest-world]

At the Side of a Titan

Our First Conversation

The titans are great beasts that no man in his right mind would trust. It is fortunate then that I did not belong to that category, for you see, I have discovered life at the side of such a powerful being to be much simpler than it is within the confines of human civilization. Gone are the worries of food and shelter - a single crumb of the titan's meal could feed me for days, and no soul dare approach such a terrifying figure. At the same time, it is difficult to be so completely stripped of any sort of society. While it seemed otherwise at first, the lack of social exchanges began to weigh on me a few moons after I joined the titan's wandering across the land.

I had not one person to speak with - not even the titan, who made himself clear about the matter. They only tolerate my presence due to my insignificance, but would leave me at the first human settlement we encounter were I to cause any disturbance to them. It is for this reason that I dare not to speak much.

The titan himself seemed to be content with silence. In all the time I have traveled with the titan I have heard them say fewer than a dozen different words, and not once have I heard them speak a full sentence. I would like to think that it is understandable then that I had jumped when the titan chose to initiate a conversation with me for the very first time while we hid from a storm in a large cavern.

"Bothered?"

"E-excuse me?" worry tinted my voice, in spite of me not having anything to worry about.

"You sighed."

"Oh- did I? I apologize!" I feared the titan to be angry - perhaps he thought the sigh to be an expression of frustration, "the rain had simply saddened me, but I am perfectly well!"

"Why?"

The titan sat down in a motion that caused the bolder that I sat on to tremble terribly - almost resulting in my falling to the ground.

"Why?" I repeated, somewhat surprised, "why did the rain sadden me?"

"Yes."

The titan's usage of a word where a simple nod or even a grunt would have sufficed surprised me further, and I attempted to answer carefully.

"We humans are always sadder during the rain," I sensed it might not be enough, and continued before the titan spoke again, "I would not pretend to have a complete answer, but there are a few reasons I am able to think of."

Having paused for a moment to gather my thoughts I noticed the titan's eyes following me with great interest, I did not know what to make of it so I continued speaking - happy at the opportunity for a conversation.

"Rain brings with itself cold and darkness, and these are both things humans tend to avoid - we do not see well in the dark, and the rain constrains our vision further, and the cold is dangerous to us - it weakens and ills us."

The titan hummed in response and looked to the entrance of the cave at the heavy rain. I followed his gaze and we sat in silence for a while.

"You fear us."

I looked up at his face, and was relieved to see it curious instead of angry.

"Well, yes." Attempting to lie of this matter would have been unwise, but that just meant that I needed to tread carefully. "Your great size frightens us as we are all too aware of the harm you are capable of inflicting on us if you so choose."

"And our abilities."

My heart stopped at these words. Everyone knew of the rare powers of the titans, and everyone knew that they never spoke of them with lowly humans. At these moments I feared for my life. Have I spoken too much? Have I irritated the titan greatly enough for them to have decided to rid of me?

Still, I replied, "yes, the abilities scare us most."

The titan - lowering their head - looked away from the rain and inspected me.

"Are you scared of me?"

Yes. Yes, I am terrified.

I opened my mouth, but no sound came out.

My body refused to react as the titan leaned lower - watching me all the while. A strange expression appeared on their face.

"Don't be scared," their voice quiet and gentle as it had never been before, "I won't hurt you."

I found myself unable to move as gigantic hands rushed towards me. In terror and awe I watched the enormous hands as one closed around my bolder, and the other around me. I would have disapproved of this, were it not for the fact that my legs chose that exact moment to buckle. I slowly sat down - using the giant hand as support, and looked up to the titan's face. Fiery-gold eyes met mine, fiery-gold eyes that followed every single one of my movements.

A heavy sigh escaped the titan's mouth, hitting me as a warm gust of wind, "sorry, didn't mean to scare you," he apologized.

That caught me unprepared. Did the titan really just apologize for scaring me? Evidently so. As my heart returned to its regular pace I managed to decipher the large being's facial expression as sorrow or perhaps regret. He really did mean his apology. For a single moment I felt a need to apologize to him for having feared him.

"There is no need to apologize," I reassured the sympathetic titan, "the matter has been cleared now," I smiled - both to help assure the titan of my forgiveness, and due to a true easing of a tension that went unnoticed by me until now.

The titan remained still for a few moments - looking me over with those terribly big eyes - before leaning back to watch the weeping heavens once more. I confess that the sight of his hands retracting away from me filled me with relief.

"What do you know about the abilities?"

I would have preferred some other topic of conversation, but with the titan's reassurance and an unhealthy supplement of curiosity I managed to continue the conversation.

"We do not know much," I began, "we only know for certain that these powers exist, and that they are inaccessible to us. All else are guesses. Are these powers tiring to wield, or do they have to be held back at all times? Do all titans possess them, or are there just a select few who are actually able to make use of them? Many of our scholars debated such questions, but to the best of my knowledge none have yet given a complete and satisfactory answer."

When an amused chuckle reverberated throughout the cave I turned to look at the titan.

"You do fear the unknown."

I do not like to admit it, but I felt embarrassment at the titan's reaction - not just for myself, but for all of humanity.

"We have good reason to," I defended, "much too often the unknown turns against us, or is used against us by some other malicious entity."

The titan thought it over shortly before shrugging.

"Fair."

I suspected him not to be entirely sincere - the slight upward curving of his lips might have went unnoticed by a fellow titan, but it clued me in to his still elevated mood. I might have continued arguing, but the titan sighed - and the smile was gone. I took that as an indication that our conversation is over, and reserved to continue watching the heavy rain.

[the-radio-demon-blog]

Hello hello, its me again! *gives a small grin*

Thank you for sharing a bit of insight into your childhood pastimes with me. It was really intriguing!

I used to enjoy tag as well, though I am not very good at card games, minus go fish and possibly old maid. I can play uno though. I don't think I have the best poker face myself. Surprisingly enough, though, I am exceptional at liar's dice. It's a social game of deception and strategy were people make bids and call bluffs on other players while attempting to avoid losing their own dice, so to speak. Its quite fun, I recommend it!

However, math isn't a strong suit of mine, nor is figuring out the probability of things; but some how I have a weird sort of luck with that game in particular. I believe I even made an acquaintance of mine nearly loose his mind in trying to figure out how I was able to guess correctly almost every single time without an ounce of thought put into my strategy haha.

*clears throat and shuffles in place, holding both hands behind her. It's obvious she's holding something*

In any case, that's not the only reason I'm back. I wanted to give you a surprise. You seem the type to appreciate those, I'm assuming.

*glances over into the lobby at all of the flower arrangements present gifted from previous guests*

But I think I'm a little late to the party with the surprise I have for you, haha. Well, great minds think alike I suppose. Anyways, the suspense is probably killing you, so here you go!

*Presents a bouquet of magnolias and violet Louisiana Irises in a sizable vase with a soft, shy smile*

Everyone deserves to at least get a bouquet of their favorite flowers every now and then. Its a token of my respect for you, my appreciation for your time and just to say I'm a fan of your work and radio show.

Also, if you guys need any help around the hotel, I don't mind volunteering! Though I'm not the best at fighting for security purposes, I am quite good at listening if someone needs to express troubling emotions and the like. I am also somewhat of an artist and can help make pamphlets and such for the classes and activities the Princess is providing, if you think that would be beneficial to anyone...

*Sheepishly laughs*

Though, I suppose you would need to discuss such an arrangement with the princess first. In any case, if you think my assistance would be necessary or profitable, I am willing to lend a helping hand wherever it is needed.

"Ah, of course, my dear! I am happy that you found my childhood pastimes intriguing!"

"Hmm...that's quite a curious skill? Terrible at poker yet good at liar's dice? How fascinating! Ah, yes, I have played old maid in my time at the bars. You should truly take up card playing, my dear! It is quite fun!"

"Well, fate and luck works in mysterious ways, darling! That's what keeps life fun, hm? I must also admit my strategies can be erratic. I like to be unpredictable. Once you fall into a pattern, your opponents can exploit it."

Alastor gives you a curious look and tries to discreetly peer behind you.

"Oh my goodness! Thank you, dear!" Alastor takes the flowers eagerly into his hands and sniffs their wonderous scent. He lets out a good humored laugh. "I never thought I'd ever get to smell them again! Hah! As strange as that sounds! It is always nice to meet a fan of my work!"

"Yes, of course I would have to discuss such things with the princess." Alastor tilts his head and grins at her. "That's quite alright that you aren't exactly prowess, not everyone is built to be. However..." Alastor taps his chin. "...the Princess has been organizing this...hmm...this odd "therapy" activity. Perhaps you could help her with that?"

Alastsor sets the vase on the coffee table, taking good care to arrange them in a pleasing position. Then he turns back to her and offers her an arm. "If you would follow me, I can take you to the princess herself if you'd like!"

[skrunksthatwunk]

yyh cast pet type headcanons!!

i am thinking about them and i am giving them animals to hang out with. yeag

hiei - falcon

falconeers don't really own their falcons. it takes a long time to build trust with them, and they can fly away at any time. they are wild animals

i think hiei would appreciate that untamed quality, and the speed, sight, and skill of them. i think he'd want a capable animal companion, if any at all

note: kuwabara would be freaked out by the emphasis on competence/functionality as well as the impermanence of it. he views animals as creatures to be protected and cherished, while hiei would rather spend time with something capable, self-sufficient, and useful (stealing this idea from my eikichi fic bc i think im right)

the closer an animal or an animal-owner relationship is to a baby/baby-parent relationship, the further he wants to be from it. it grosses him out a Lot. to him, it's like adopting an adult and then babytalking it

most peer-like relationship with animals

kurama - chia pet lol ferret/rat

i think he'd enjoy small, clever troublemakers

there's some tension inherent with kurama owning any prey animal (i think they sense his foxness), but if he finds one that isn't bothered by it, i think they'd get along just fine

enjoys training them

could keep them in his hair lol

somewhat used to short lifespans relative to his

relates to them and how they feel as animals to some extent, but he's much more likely to take control via a caretaker role than treat them as peers, like hiei

botan - chinchilla/sugar glider

i just think she'd like something soft fluffy and exotic. just seems like it'd suit her :)

pretty strong anti-reptile anti-bug bias. they freak her out

open to birds of a certain flavor. i think she'd like doves and pigeons for their dumb sweetheart-ness

also most likely to get something like a mini pig or a pygmy goat, though i think she would feel quickly overwhelmed by them

kuwabara - cats

obviously. *gestures to canon*

if i had to guess at a reason for it i'd say it's a matter of feeling appreciated. you generally can't get cats to do anything they don't want to do, so that means when they show you love, it's extra special. and i think his perseverence with challenges could help him win over even the most reluctant of cats, as well as his gentleness and unconditional love towards those critters

i think kuwa likes winning animals/people over and feeling chosen and seen

strong preference for very social animals, particularly mammals (so not, like, hermit crabs). i think he'd like dogs too

hates mice, so kurama's rats would be a bit weird for him

not huge on fish or reptiles, but willing/able to admire the coolness of them after freaking out for a bit. not huge on bugs and usually doesn't get over that

yusuke - it's complicated

i hate to say it but i don't think yusuke's really an animal person

HOWEVER. i do see him having a 50-year love-hate relationship with a sassy parrot. idk why i just think he'd argue with a bird

less used to short lifespans relative to him, would probably do better with something that lives longer, i.e. a parrot, while he's adjusting to that reality

bonus points bc he's kind of a bird (puu bird imagery)

though i think he'd appreciate feeling wanted and loved, i don't know that the responsibility of a pet would make him feel grounded and secure (i.e. kuwabara), but more anxious and constricted.

his carefree lifestyle would conflict with high maintenance pets, so he probably avoids them for a long time until he's ready to settle down

i think he likes dogs like he likes kids. they're cool to spend time with, but he's probably not gonna feel ready for them until they get dumped on him. i can see him dogsitting for keiko.

shizuru - cats, but for different reasons

a bit like hiei, i think she appreciates self-sufficiency and independence

not huge on kittens, see above

would really like a very chill very lowkey cat

yukina - hear me out. it's not birds

ok. i know birds are probably everyone's first thought bc of her bird friends at tarukane's, but i have a counter-proposal:

i think yukina loves birds but wouldn't want to trap them. she strikes me more as a feeding-birds-at-the-park type + knows what it's like to be trapped (and resents it)

she would be very willing to take in a wild bird that, due to injury or illness, could not be re-released. i think she'd love that

instead, i propose: hermit crabs and brine shrimp

yes im making her be into sea monkeys

my justifications for this are pretty limited. i mostly just think she'd be really into little guys. and i think she'd have a bit more interest in pets that would be considered weird or boring by others (i.e. cockroaches, beetles, tarantulas), especially if they come from non-icy climates. i can picture her holding everything from an iguana to a maggot with similar enthusiasm. but i think she'd likely start with small aquatic guys

plus, she feels a lot less bad about the trapping thing because they need to be in water to survive. it feels more right to her

anyway i just feel like she'd enjoy aquatic stuff. maybe because it's novel, if the ice world was too cold for them to be accessible

i like to think there's ponds on genkai's property that she could put koi or turtles in

oh dude can you imagine her with a frog terrarium bc i can

likes mammals as well, but fascinated with cold-blooded creatures due to novelty

keiko - hamster/gerbil/dog

i also struggled with her a lot, but i think she'd be a dog person

AND i also think she'd be into those small rodents, i.e. hamsters, gerbils, guinea pigs (for smth bigger). maybe she had a few as a kid and never really got bored with them like others did. quite passionate about their value as pets, very upset about how they are treated by broader communities

part of me says she'd want a little dog and part of me says she'd want a huge rowdy dog (a bit like yusuke), so maybe she can have both. as a treat :)

though if i had to place anyone as interested in raising farm animals (as livestock or as pets), it'd be her. idk why but i can see her caring for geese and pigs and stuff. she wouldn't mind the hard and often dirty work of it

genkai - tortoise

i think she'd appreciate a slow-paced, low maintenance kinda guy

long lifespan bonus

it's really easy for me to imagine a big tortoise on her compound just free roaming

or perhaps little turtles in ponds around the property

plus turtles kinda inherently have old lady swag to me

toguro - snake

he's used to things kinda climbing all over him

also appreciates the low maintenance aspect

would probably look at a snake dislocating its jaw to eat something whole and go "would you look at that,, you're pushing your limits to feed yourself,,, for you it's a matter of survival. truly i have much to learn" or some shit

sensui - chickens

uh. i don't have an explanation for this one. i think he and itsuki would raise chickens that's all

i think he would carry them under his arm and he'd like watching them walk around

koenma - dwarf hamsters

just the tiniest little fit-in-your-palm types. makes him feel bigger

i can just imagine one of those wire cages behind him in his office idk vibe checks out

[uefb]

Hey, so I just watched the third Fantastic Beasts movie and I was wondering if you noticed any autistic traits of Newt's in that one? I remember spotting so many in the first two, so I was kind of disappointed that I wasn't able to find anything new this time. (Honestly, it felt like there wasn't much character exploration at all with Newt, except maybe at the very end?)

Hi, beanwood! Thanks for the ask. It’s interesting you noticed this! Because I will admit that I noticed less of Newt’s autistic qualities in the 3rd film myself (though I did notice some!). I think there are a number of reasons for this decrease — in fact, it is something @afrenchaugurey and I have discussed quite a few times actually! I’ll go into that later. First I’ll share what I did notice (from memory), when viewing Newt through an autistic lens as an autistic & neurodivergent person watching Secrets of Dumbledore (SOD/FB3).

(I’d like to apologise in advance for some language that might not be fully autistic-affirming moving forward. While I am autistic myself, I am also a researcher in fields that have traditionally pathologised autistic traits, and my language unintentionally reflects my training on occasion. Unfortunately, I currently do not have the spoons to go through and ensure that everything sounds appropriate. I therefore appreciate your understanding and patience.)

Anyway, while I agree with you that there are less autistic traits than in previous films, below are some arguably autistic traits or co-occurring indicators (based on my own experience and knowledge of clinical & empirical research) that I noticed! (Though these are not exactly new, which is what you may have been hoping for.)

Newt does stim quite a bit in the SOD/FB3, though it is subtle, mostly relegated to his coat pockets and consistent but very slight rocking/fidgeting/re-adjusting. You can see a rather crappy TikTok video (as I wasn’t doing edits on my computer yet) I made a few years ago (on an acct that is no longer active) highlighting Newt’s exceptionally subtle stimming in the first hour of FB3 here.

Newt continues to avoid eye contact during both one-on-one interactions and when addressing groups.

Newt does not always seem to notice subtle emotional nuances or jokes in group settings.

Newt seems, reasonably, attached to his case when Bunty takes it from him, even wordlessly asking Dumbeldore about it with a hand motion at one point. This could be interpreted as his case being a fixture of routine or comfort, common in autistic folks.

Newt’s flat affect, in this film, seems to be somewhat of a a boon to interacting with high-profile officials, as he seems somewhat unbothered by the high stakes of the situations and the potential social & political risks of simply walking up to — say — Herr Vogel, for example.

Additionally — regarding special interest — his hyperfocus on his creatures while talking with Theseus’ jailer in the Erkstag seems out-of-step with what one might expect from someone about to walk into a pseudo-authoritarian prison setting.

When Newt finds Theseus in the Erkstag, he answers Theseus’ questions about the creature situation by somewhat info-dumping about a laboratory experiment he’d conducted on creature behaviour to explain his reasoning. He seems not to entirely notice that that response probably wasn’t that reassuring to Theseus at all.

Newt does not reciprocate social interactions on several occasions — he misses his brother Theseus’ social cues in the first big group scene; he does not verbally reply to several characters in the films (such as Herr Vogel’s assistant), even when such reciprocal communication (or even basic serve & return) might be expected.

Newt does seem to lose some access to speech under extreme pressure during his back-and-forth with grindelwald about the Qilin twins. (This is reflected more in Redmayne’s performance than the script, IIRC.) While this is typical for many people, it harkens to newt’s earlier characterisations.

Newt utterly misses the loaded communication from Bunty while he has his case open toward the end of the film in Bhutan (when Tina’s picture is visible). Then, Bunty says something in response to Newt saying you don’t know what you have until it’s gone (referring to his case), which was apparently in reference to her own crush on Newt (now that Newt is pretty obviously with Tina). Newt did not seem to clock this comment as anything at all. (…..and, frankly, neither did I. I had to ask my wife to explicitly explain the scene to me after my 4th or so rewatch. I remain clueless and it is lucky I am married, given my utter inability to read romantic nuance.)

So yeah, I agree with you that the last film demonstrates fewer autistic traits consistent with Newt’s behaviour in the first 2 films, apart from those marked final scenes (Tina/newt, newt & dumbledore.) One could argue that the noticeable behaviour in the scene between Tina & Newt outside the bakery is due to either (a) the removal of Newt from a high-stress, goal-focused heist situation into a more intimate personal situation combined with (b) social anxiety manifesting around people he cares deeply about (particularly given his history of miscommunication with Tina), or social anxiety around romantic situations in general. It’s also possible that (c) a heightened sensitivity to physiological cues associated with anxiety or ‘butterflies,’ due to sensory sensitivity affects his behaviour in the Newtina scene — physiological stress (in my anecdotal, personal experience) can make one flustered or struggle with speech, as attention is repeatedly and emphatically and uncomfortably drawn elsewhere in the body. (Or it could be something ENTIRELY different, like a script rewrite or massive editing that jettisoned consistent character development.) But, whatever the case — yes, I agree Newt seems most…. Well… Newt! in his interactions with Tina and Dumbledore at the end of the film.

(Though if you haven’t seen the missing scene of Theseus & Newt between Newt leaving China and Theseus & Newt going to Hogsmeade… That’s rather a treasure trove of autistic-coded Newt, imho!! You can watch it here.)

As for the reasons why this change may have happened… I believe there are a few possibilities…

Personally, I think the fact that Secrets of Dumbledore (SoD/FB3) is structured more like a “heist” film than the earlier FB films plays a big role in that — character development was secondary to plot (which was, admittedly, a bit convoluted).

From an out-of-world (e.g., non-character, non-plot, non-worldbuilding perspective), I think it’s quite possible that Warner Brothers & co. were trying to appeal to as broad an audience as possible. I say this for a few reasons… (a) reactions to Newt as a character back in 2016 and 2018 were as polarised as you would expect for an autistic-coded main character in a mainstream action/adventure series. This might have inspired a shift in characterisation in FB3. Additionally, (b) by 2022, FB3—according to Warner Bro.—needed to be a box office hit. It was affected by Covid filming issues, JKR’s continued inane & controversial comments, actor drama & controversy, and generally non-HP level earnings at the box office for Crimes of Grindelwald/FB2…. Messy! Producers might have thought a less socially awkward/autistic Newt would make it more palatable. I haven’t seen any evidence of producers’ defending newt’s characterisation since the FB2 era. But who knows. This is all guesswork.

However, from an in-universe perspective, some time has passed since CoG/FB2. Based on Lally’s comments in Jacob’s bakery at the beginning of the film, approximately 1 year has passed (1927/8ish?). According to the screenplay, 5 years have passed (1932). (I tend to align myself with the 1932 timeline, due to subtle historical indicators; my own beliefs about Tina & Newt’s different characterisations in FB3; and the lack of lasting impact Leta’s death seems to have on Theseus & Newt by the time FB3 rolls around.) Anyway. I mention the time skip because I think it’s possible that a time skip allows for Newt’s character to minorly shift in a few ways…. (a) It allows Newt to settle into his confidence as a respected magizoologist, as well as gain distance from (i) World War 1 and (ii) young adulthood insecurities — trauma, anxiety, and diminished sense of self and belonging can exacerbate traits of neurodivergence. (b) A time skip additionally — (theoretically) — allows for Newt to become more comfortable with people like Jacob, Theseus, Dumbledore etc. (and for them to become more used to him!), potentially further diminishing Newt’s anxiety or certain autistic traits. Because autistic traits like stimming, for example, often correlate with higher levels of social stress or attempts to manage uncontrollable situations in controllable ways, Newt may rely less on these self-soothing methods because there is frankly less of a need. Conversely…

Newt might also be more self-aware by FB3. He’s in his 30s by now. It’s possible that he’s masking his autistic traits during the middle of the film due to the political environment and high stakes situation in which he is functioning.

Anyway! Long story short, those are my thoughts!!!!! (Hope you actually wanted them, because you tapped into UEFB special interest, infodump mode.) I’m sure there’s more to be said, but that’s all my old brain can do for now. Thanks for the ask, beanwood, and I hope you are well!

Finally, I’m curious: What inspired you to ask me this in particular? Was it my utter flooding of the #autisticNewtScamander tag over the past few years? A particular post? My fics? Byyye.

[junebugwriter]

Trans Awareness, Remembrance, and the Dangers of Existing 

For those who still yet live. 

(Image from GLAAD.)

November 13th – 19th was the annual Transgender Awareness Week, a week that ends in Transgender Day of Remembrance. The Day of Remembrance is a day that is solemn, tragic, and rather sobering. It’s the day we take to remember our transgender siblings who were killed in acts of transphobic hate. It is a day of mourning, of gravity, and many, many tears, because of how truly painful it can be. For me, a newly self-realized trans woman, it’s even more sobering. 

Rewind to about a year ago. I was beginning to acknowledge the enormity of my gender dysphoria after 35 years of denial. It was something I was desperate to avoid at the beginning because I knew. I knew how much the world hates trans people for existing. How dangerous it is to step outside of the boundaries of the fragile social structure that we have encoded into our lives. How brittle and unsafe it can all be for someone who does not conform to the gender that we were assigned at birth.  

I wanted to look away for so very, very long. To not admit the truth of my nature. But the funny thing about the truth is that it just stays there, even if you don’t believe it. And my truth was that I was trans. My new reality was that no matter how far I go in the journey, no matter how well I might “pass” (even though passing isn’t the goal, it’s being authentic to myself), there will always be people who hate me for existing.  

I was unable to write this yesterday, due to obligations, but I wanted to write about it, nonetheless. Some friends of mine were able to hold a ceremony for the lives of our trans siblings who were taken this year. They got to say their names. They got to hold a candle for these brothers and sisters, dear people whose lives ended because someone decided that they shouldn’t exist.  

These are their names. * 

London Price. 

Lisa Love. 

A’nee Johnson. 

Chyna Long. 

YOKO. 

Sherlyn Marjorie.  

Kylie Monali. 

Luis Angel Diaz Castro. 

Thomas “Tom-Tom” Robertson. 

De’Vonnie J’Rae Johnson. 

Jacob Williamson. 

Chanell Perez Ortiz. 

Ashia Davis. 

Banko Brown. 

Rasheeda “Koko Da Doll” Williams. 

Ashley Burton. 

Tasiyah “Siyah” Woodland. 

Tortuguita. 

Cashay B. Henderson. 

Imanitwitaho Zachee. 

Maria Fer. 

Jasmine “Star” Mack. 

Unique Banks. 

Say these names in your heart. Know that theirs was a life that was beautiful and should not have been taken away by a person with hate in their heart and fear in their mind. Recognize the fact that the largest percentage of these victims were black women by far. The oldest one of them was only 41 years old, 5 years older than me. Most were in their twenties. Some were in their teens. All were beautiful. All were born with innate divinity, the same innate divinity that dwells in each of us, the same image of the transcendent God that created all of us.  

Remember them. Feel the weight of them. It’s a heavy load to bear, and much more than the community can stand. We are in an era of rapidly increasing transphobia. There is a concerted effort to mandate us out of existence legally. I honestly am somewhat afraid of coming home for Christmas this year because of my running into the wrong person while trying to spend time with my loved ones. (Then I remember it will be in Austin, and that’s probably as safe as it gets for gender-nonconforming individuals, and I relax, but it’s still by a slim margin.) 

Before the day of remembrance is Trans Awareness Week. What's funny is before the past couple of years, I would rate everyone’s awareness of transgender people as relatively low, until certain lawmakers decided to make it an enormous issue. The truth of it is that trans people have always existed. We’ve always been there. Going back thousands of years, in cultures all over the globe, you will find trans people in history, if you look for them. Even going back, a couple of decades, yeah, things weren’t great for trans people, but mostly it was because people didn’t know what we were. People lived entire lives, not being free to be themselves. Now, we have people trying to educate people so that kids like me might understand more about themselves, and in response to simply new, better information about transgender identities, people react with hatred.  

The thing about transgender people that I’m learning every day is that they are some of the bravest people I know. It takes bravery to ask yourself the hard questions about your identity. It takes bravery to live authentically as you are meant to be.  

I was afraid that I didn’t have it in me to be brave enough to be trans. 

But it doesn’t matter if I’m brave. It matters that I live. It matters that I exist. I’m extremely lucky, and privileged, to be where I am. To have lived the life I have lived is an extraordinary blessing. To have a family that still loves me and supports me is a blessing beyond measure. To have a partner who is willing to support me is an even greater blessing. So many trans kids and adults don’t have that. So many are turned out into a cold world that doesn’t want to make space for them. So many people would rather we did not exist. 

The truth is, we do exist. And no matter how much they can try to legislate us out of existence, there will always be trans people. That’s the truth that cannot be erased or ignored. Just like I couldn’t ignore the truth about my gender identity, we as a people can’t ignore the hatred and violence that is done to trans people all the time. We cannot ignore the concerted effort by a few hateful individuals whose world is so small they cannot appreciate the infinite amount of beauty that trans people give to the world just by our existence.  

I’m writing this because I want to make sure at the very least that I remember my siblings who have gone before me—those who face hatred and violence because of the small-minded hatred of bigots. Our world is so much more beautiful for us living in it.  

May we one day live in a world where we no longer need to remember the lives of those killed because of anti-transgender hatred.  

_________________________________________________ 

*Names retrieved from https://glaad.org/tdor-memoriam/. 

[haru-noir]

❁ hello! welcome to my haru rp/ask blog! ❁

❁ MUN: @lunxrspook | they/them | 18 | PST (but my hours are really inconsistent so it hardly matters)

an indie rp/ask blog centered around a somewhat headcanon-based haru okumura from persona 5!

please make sure to read my rules below prior to interacting. thank you!

all rp ❁ haru answers ❁ haru blogs

RULES

➨ ONE: No NSFW or 18+ at all. I'm not comfortable with these things, and would rather not interact with them. For these reasons, I will likely not interact with any accounts that post primarily NSFW or 18+. ➨ TWO: Please be patient with me, as this is my first time running a RP blog. I tend to be a bit slow in responding, but I will try to respond as soon as I am able. ➨ THREE: Interactions with any characters from any media are welcome! I may be more selective when it comes to media I'm unfamiliar with, but feel free to send an ask! I'll do my best! ➨ FOUR: I might not respond to an ask if it makes me uncomfortable or if I am unable to think of a proper answer. Apologies! ➨ FIVE: Please avoid god-moding, or controlling my character's actions.

OTHER INFO

➨ feel free to send asks about ships! i am a multishipper, though i lean more towards shipping makoharu (makoto x haru). just keep in mind i am not very good at writing romance or romantic gestures. ➨ that being said, please do not push headcanons or ships on me. ➨ i'm really, really bad at social cues and this is my first rp blog (;_;)/~~~ if you send me an ask/response in hopes of it being a longer rp or for me to continue responding, please let me know. my dms should be open if you want to start a rp with me or anything! ➨ i've only played persona 5 royal and persona 3 reload so far, though i know a little about persona 4 and its characters as well. ➨ a lot of my posts are queued/scheduled, so online does not necessarily indicate i'll post, and a post does not necessarily indicate i'm online. ➨ this isn't related to the blog, but if you have any fics that you made or enjoy that are for persona 5, please share them! i love reading and I'm not picky about ships/characters it's about, as long as it is fairly sfw

i may update the above at any time. i'm new to rping on tumblr, and i'm a generally anxious person, so i am likely to make mistakes. please kindly let me know if you find any that i missed. thank you for reading!

[choicesficwriterscreations]

July MC of the Month: Harper Gale

Please welcome our sixth MC of the month! Each month, we will highlight one MC or OC that is currently on our Meet My MC / OC List. The MC / OC is selected randomly on the Wheel of Names, and eligibility requirements can be found here. We accept MC / OC profiles on an ongoing basis. Please feel free to send yours in!

This month's MC of the month is...

@karahalloway's Harper Gale!

To learn more about Harper and her creator, see below.

In your words, tell us what you like most about your MC. 

Probably the fact that she knows what she wants and doesn’t hesitate to go after it.

For instance, Harper has had a dream of going travelling around the world for several years, and at the start of (Un)Common Attraction (my somewhat modified rewrite of TRR1), she jumps at the opportunity to go to Cordonia, figuring that this is her chance to kickstart her around-the-world adventure. And even though things don’t exactly go to plan, Harper still tries to make the most of the opportunity at every turn.

She also realises relatively early on that she is much more interested in and feels like herself with Drake, and even though Drake tries to push her away — out of loyalty to Christian (my version of Liam) and in a bid to avoid a scandal — Harper refuses to take ‘no’ for an answer, knowing that Drake has feelings for her too, and eventually convinces him to come around. Obviously, the press scandal on the night of the Coronation Ball throws a massive wrench in the works, but Harper refuses to throw in the towel, despite a lot of proverbial sh*t hitting the fan.

Other things I like about Harper are that she has a very strong moral compass and will fight for what she thinks is right, even in the face of resistance from those she loves and cares about. And she has a big heart — she is always trying to find ways to surprise Drake, be moral support for Max, Hana and Christian, and is always the first to offer help, even if she doesn’t really like the other person.

Do you feel your MC is like you at all? How are you alike or different?

As is the case for many authors and their OC, Harper and I share some similarities. We’re both curious, pragmatic, and down to earth, love to travel and have new experiences. We’re also both quite outdoorsy, love animals, as well as OTT action movies 😆 

However, Harper is a lot braver and a helluva lot more resilient than I am — I would never have taken Maxwell up on his offer to go to Cordonia for the social season, and I am not sure I would’ve coped with all the things she goes through in Cordonia the same way she did.

Also, while we both tend to say it like it is (and this gets us into awkward moments sometimes), Harper is a lot more outspoken than I am and will call out BS then and there, while I just do the silent eye-brow raise, akin to Drake 😅

What is most important to your MC? What is their motivation in life?

One of the most important things for Harper is being able to be herself. 

This was a big reason why she turned down Christian, because she couldn’t see herself living a ‘fake’ life whereby she had to constantly present an ‘idealised’ image of herself to the public, always having to watch what she said and did, and no longer being able to live a ‘free’ life (in my rewrite, for various reasons, I moved the timeline of this conversation up, so it takes place during the social season, rather than at the end of the engagement tour). 

This is also the reason why she gravitated towards Drake very early on — because Drake has always taken her at face value and never expected anything more from her other than exactly what she already was (whereas both the Beaumonts and Christian focus on, and try to use Harper’s status as a lady — and subsequently a duchess — to further their own ends, whether overtly, or covertly).

In terms of where I am with Harper’s story at the moment, her main motivations are clearing her name after the press scandal that broke during the Coronation Ball — in part to set the record straight and restore her reputation, and in part because she doesn’t want to have to keep hiding her relationship with Drake. Because this is kind of an all-consuming thing at the moment, she doesn’t really have mental space to think about more generic motivations 😅

What are their biggest pet peeves/dislikes?

Harper’s biggest pet peeves are being made to feel like an idiot (which is the main reason why she has a hard time getting along with Bertrand, who is a perfectionist taskmaster when it comes to etiquette), and being woken up at stupid-o’clock in the morning for a stupid reason (she very much wants/needs her beauty sleep).

She also takes issue with the two-faced nature of the nobility — outwardly presenting perfection, while inwardly falling prey to infighting, lies, manipulation and entitlement. This is another reason why she gravitated towards Drake almost from the very start because both of them can see the rot of the aristocracy through the superficial glitz and glamour.

If your MC could change one thing - anything - what would it be? 

I’m not sure Harper would want to change anything — she believes that things happen for a reason and every cloud has a silver lining, even if you can’t see it at the time.

So even in the midst of her worst experiences, Harper is able to find some kind of light on the horizon (even if it feels intractably out of reach) and focuses on that to get her through whatever hardship she is facing.

What is your MC’s favorite quote or song? Harper has a lot of songs she likes to listen to, depending on her mood, but one of her favourites is Life is a Highway by Rascal Flatts. It very much captures her attitude of freedom, adventure, and curiosity, and the belief that great things are waiting for you if you’re willing to step outside of your comfort zone:

Life's like a road that you travel on

When there's one day here, and the next day gone

Sometimes you bend, sometimes you stand

Sometimes you turn your back to the wind

There's a world outside every darkened door

Where blues won't haunt you anymore

Where the brave are free and lovers soar

Come ride with me to the distant shore

Is there anything else you’d like to share about your MC:

I have had a ton of fun getting to know Harper over the 3 or so years that I’ve been exploring her view of the world. But like with any relationship️, you are always learning new things about each other, so I’m sure that as I continue fleshing out Harper and Drake’s story, I’ll learn new things about both of them ❤️ 

Because unlike some other characters I’ve written — who arrived fully formed — Harper actually developed somewhat slowly as an OC. For instance, when I started my TRR1 rewrite, I didn’t even know what she looked like, and it took me about a year to find an FC for her! 😅 

But from the very start, Harper has always had a very clear and distinct voice, which is part of the reason why I ended up writing her story from first-person POV. And the more I write her, the more I love her — almost like a sister — because she feels ‘real’. She has good qualities, yes, but she also has flaws — she can be too trusting, she isn’t always completely honest, she tends to overthink things, she gets heated and emotional and will rip into people (usually legitimately, but that doesn’t make the confrontation any less intense).

And I love her dynamic with Drake 😍 Nine times out of ten, their interactions just write themselves because even though in the big scheme of things, they haven’t known each other for that long, they are very in tune with each other and in many ways they are two sides of the same coin, which means that their interplay is always a perfect storm of snark, sexual tension, and humour.

To learn more about Harper, please see her character bio.

[sensitiveheartless]

different from the fanfic writer ask thing, but I just wanted to thank you for always always always being such a friendly and positive ray of sunshine in the fandom! BSD fandom is generally a hostile place to be, but your tumblr is and always has been such a chill place to be! It’s always so fun to see your fic ideas and fanart, and it’s always a relief to be able to interact with you, knowing you’re not going to overreact and lash out unexpectedly! Thanks for being such a bright, safe spot that makes this fandom worth staying in and interacting with!

Anon I will CRY, don’t tempt me — but seriously, I’m really glad I’ve been able to be that for you!

I think I’ve been pretty lucky, to be honest — I might have grown up with too much unsupervised internet access, but one thing that my mom did hammer into my head at a young age was to never ever share anything personal about myself with anyone online. Which my child brain interpreted as “never talk to anyone ever or they will find out where you live”, so I then proceeded to avoid making any social media accounts, and in general tried to never interact with anything online at all up until I was in college.

…Anyway, as a result of that, my default state is not interacting with things, which makes it pretty easy to ignore random internet squabbles or people trying to be inflammatory. (Also I don’t go in the main tags for bsd so I just see things through the blogs I follow, none of which are particularly drama-prone, so I’ve overall had a pretty positive experience in this fandom, considering it’s the first one I’ve ever interacted with. I think in general that kind of curation makes for a much more chill experience, so I do recommend that.)

But yeah! I will never lash out at someone for saying hi, or just interacting with me in general, and I fully intend to keep this a chill blog where I just share the stuff I’m working on :D I am here because I like making things and I like talking with people about the blorbos!

Ah, also, a somewhat related guarantee: on the rare occasions I’ve gotten bad faith hate mail on here, I have ignored it and gone to draw something that makes me happy instead of responding. I will continue to utilize that strategy, and that is a promise. Y’all don’t need to see that kind of negativity, and it’s a waste of energy to respond, so I don’t.

(This also seems like a good time to say that I am dearly sorry if I’ve ever blocked a real person while mistaking them for a bot, it’s just genuinely hard to tell sometimes alskdjfj)

[rivetgoth]

2020s Industrial/EBM & Friends

Hi all! I decided to go ahead and make a Spotify playlist of current artists in the industrial/EBM [and adjacent] scene. I am very tired of stumbling onto countless threads of people saying that industrial music is "dead." It is in fact currently experiencing an incredible booming renaissance! So here is a place where one could hopefully get started.

The requirements for this playlist are simply

Must be within the industrial/EBM scene or close enough to count by my own standards. Trying to avoid anything too far off, so keeping "sibling" genres to a minimum (for example, darkwave or aggrotech), but obviously the genre has evolved very much over the decades and there is still plenty of fusion and diversity in sound!

Must have released new music since 2020 or onwards. This playlist is a combination of older artists who are continuing to release new music (such as PIG and IAMX) as well as brand new artists who have just begun their career with debut EPs (such as Normal Bias and FUEDAL). The only requirement is making new music from 2020 to present; this isn't about new bands per se, just currently active ones. I would like to keep updating this playlist as time goes on and more artists release new work, but that may end up being a time commitment larger than I can promise, so no guarantee on that. But hopefully!

One song per band. This is just to keep things consistent. I wanted to pick a song for each band that's either somewhat popular so as to give an idea of what they're doing that's catching people's attention, and/or a personal preference of my own that I think is cool and worth checking out, lol. Order doesn't matter at all, you can shuffle it as much as you like.

While artists from all backgrounds are featured and I want to make an active effort not to tokenize, I did try to include a wide range of diverse artists, with numerous artists of color, female artists, queer artists, neurodivergent artists, etc on this list.

A few other preemptive Q&As:

"[x] band I like isn't on here!"

I am absolutely, 100% confident I have missed more bands than I can even fathom, this is a massive genre and this playlist is in no way whatsoever meant to be comprehensive. I definitely want this playlist to continue to evolve over time. I also admittedly may have not included a band because I just don't really personally care for them enough, or because I didn't feel like they quite fit the sound I was thinking of here. Feel free to send me an ask if you feel like I'm missing something important, and even if I'm not huge on a band, if it seems like they're high in demand I might add them for posterity, lol.

"[x] band isn't real industrial"

Again, this genre has evolved massively since its formation in the 70s. We all know that. I don't really care about splitting hairs too much when it comes to genres; I'm basing this on the scene as it's currently evolved, the community surrounding it (including who these bands play with and the festivals booking them), the cited inspirations and self identification of the bands themselves, and if I personally would be able to sleep at night if I called them industrial in casual conversation, LMAO. I also consider fusion genres a very important part of the life and evolution of a genre, so industrial hip hop, industrial metal, and the likes all make some appearances.

"Spotify sucks"

Yeah. Agreed entirely, cannot argue with you there. But this is the easiest avenue I know of to make a decent, accessible playlist for a wide variety of listeners. Please do check out these artists offsite, follow them on Bandcamp or their other social media sites, buy their music and merch, etc. Unfortunately this also means that many artists who are not on Spotify aren't featured here, which sucks, since there are some absolutely amazing industrial bands coming out of Bandcamp right now who deserve recognition. Here is a link to the "industrial" tag on Bandcamp if you want to dive deeper.

Hopefully at least a few people can get something out of this!!

[sopranoentravesti]

Ok I’m FINALLY in a place where I have a minute and brain space to recount some of my Convention highlights:

I got 2 hugs from Nana Visitor. And she told me I look good as a Bajoran, asked me what I do, and when I told her, she asked what I do to take care of myself.

I also got told by multiple people that my eyes look similar to Nana’s (brown eyes next to the nose ridge?)

On Saturday, I wore my Kippah with my cosplay, going from Morning Services to Convention.

At one point, Robert Picardo was talking and John Billingsley was crouching down in order to surprise him and his face turned red. I thought he was having a heart attack.

I put my hand on his shoulder and was like “sir, are you okay,” until someone was like “he’s fine he’s just heckling Bob Picardo.”

Thankfully, he didn’t notice

I was a bit late for my photo with the (present) members of the DS9 cast. They had to bring Penny Johnson-Jerald back, but everyone was very gracious, understanding, and sweet.

“Who am I taking a picture with! Oh my goodness, you are too cute,” she (Penny Johnson-Jerald) also wanted to know my first and last name

They stationed Rosie, my Rollator, “center seat.” Terry Farrell complimented my vest, which I crocheted myself, and very excitedly told me she just learned how to crochet.

(I commented that despite my disability, I am unable to sit still and was taught to cope with hyperactivity and keep myself from fidgeting too bad).

J.G. Hertzler at one point approached me and was like “that [my Rollator] looks handy! Can I take a seat?” And growl chuckled and clapped my shoulder ( Klingon friendly style) when I was like “that is not honorable.”

Later he stopped me again. Apparently, one of his loved ones has MS, uses a rollator, but unlike Rosie, hers is not upright, and they are worried about it contributing to back problems. He wanted to know more, how to find one.

I asked Siddig a somewhat rambling question about Julian’s disability, Eugenics, and how that may have affected his relationship to other disabled characters, and disability in trek vs our Society as a whole.

I had my hand up for a minute and he was like “relax, you got next question” I was kind of embarrassed but then he was like “I don’t think you’re hyperactive, I just want you to not exhaust yourself“

He listened attentively, and he gave a vent like answer where he was like “I see your concerns about Star Trek obscuring / erasing disability… my general thoughts are that we are all racist (i was born in Arab Africa, in Sudan, riddled by geopolitical conflicts, Africans are also racist) we are all ableist, and all have the potential to be disabled . And unfortunately, it’s your job to appeal to me as an able bodied person, and my job to appeal to [another audience member] as a brown person …And why we need to work to change laws first, before we work on everything else. Sorry, didn’t mean to get all political.”

Later, I was sitting outside the venue for mingling because of autism ears and photosensitivity.

And he approached me and was like “hey, how are you doing? I just wanted to check in on you.”

Naturally, I aspirated my saliva and stammered something about avoiding the noise and migraines.

I didn’t think he remembered my name (one point I was attempting to steer around him and he was like “so sorry, sweet thing,”) but later when he was signing my autograph! He did! I did have to spell it, but I usually do anyways bc it’s spelled not the typical way.

At one point, I dropped a change of clothes I had packed and Bonnie Gordon came up to me “Darling, I thought your days as a stripper were over.”

Thank goodness I developed a tolerance for making a damn fool of myself.

There’s so much more. I met many cool people, including several folks I knew previously only on tumblr (hi, @xenobotanist @philosopherking1887 @cardassiangoodreads @ettaberrytea and multiple others I am forgetting just now) I got to hang out IRL with some people from the SidCity Social Club, which previously I only lurked at.

I’m still absolutely filled up with warmth. Like I can take anything

[gorbalsvampire]

On Building Characters

I generally hold two things in my mind when I'm putting a character together at the dots-on-sheets level. Neither is the "quick and dirty" work-your-way-around-the-sheet process in the Player's Guide, where you decide if you're a Specialist or a generalist or a Jack of All Trades and just put dots in skills. I think that's really helpful for explaining and introducing how character creation works, but it doesn't go all in on the build to the extent that I like.

I try to walk the line between having a tuned, capable character with healthy dice pools in things that will be useful (key Discipline powers and hunting rolls for their Predator Type as a priority, survivability pools like social awareness, difficulty to surprise, and at least one decent combat roll as secondary concerns), and having a concept that makes sense as someone who was a person before they were a vampire and isn't just dots in the optimal places.

To understand my approach it helps to be familiar with the Stormwind Fallacy - the claim that "good roleplaying" is antithetical to "optimising character". It's nonsense, as Tempest Stormwind elegantly proved. Roleplaying is entirely a soft skill: one can play a finely tuned and powerful character to the hilt and still make in-character decisions that have entertaining, dramatic, difficult consequences.

There is a tension between optimisation and verisimilitude, though: a character who's been built entirely to be a good vampire often doesn't feel "right" or "good" because they're artificial: they weren't engineered as someone who existed before their Embrace. That's what the full process in the V5 corebook - not the two page summary spread but the chapter that follows, the full method for building a character - strives to avoid. As ever, slow and close reading of the book reveals deep truths.

In particular, the full method encourages you to break your skills down into Professional (two at three dots, two at two dots, one with a Specialty, derived from what your character's "day job" was), Life Event (one at three dots, one at two, derived from the most important thing that happened to your character) and Hobby (three at one dot, representing things your character has dabbled in).

Then you pick either one Skill to really overspecialise in (four dots, and you can move your Specialty in here too) or six more to pick up (two at two dots, four at one), and this is where you pick the "good at being a vampire" stuff that your character has learned to do post-Embrace. These are the ones that I like to keep plastic, fantastic, and somewhat elastic, selecting them to make sure the hunting, combat and survival stuff is taken care of. If you want to focus on combat, you'll need to pick a profession package that leans into it, and give yourself a reason for that focus. I'm looking ahead towards the stuff I'll pick next: Predator Type, clan Disciplines, and Coterie Type, so I know what to leave space for in my Background spend and contribute to the group fund.

The other thing that's always circulating in my mind is Flaws. In my experience veteran players kind of miss the point of Flaws in V5, expecting them to be customisation options like they were in the older game. They're more... story signals. You're telling the Storyteller this is the problem you'd like your character to have, a thing that's going to come up often during play. That means, from a "keeping the game functional and playful" perspective, you need to put some thought into what kind of obstacles, challenges, difficulties, barriers you enjoy overcoming, or don't mind being thwarted by. It's easy to pick something that ends up backfiring on you.

For example: I am really touchy about loss of agency and control. I won't touch the Weak Willed Flaw with a goddamn barge pole, because being able to throw some dice in active resistance to Dominate or Presence is important to me. I need to feel like I had a chance, however long of a shot it was. Now, one of my OCs should have this Flaw, it fits with the character and her relationships with authority, but if I'm going to play her in a chronicle I as player am going to repeatedly encounter something that discourages me from playing. It crosses a line, and setting myself up to cross that line repeatedly in play is a surefire way to make the play not playful any more.

That's what this optimisation stuff comes down to, really. Making sure your character is fun to play - that you can get stuff done in the game, and that you don't have to keep on doing things that spoil the experience for you.

[queerfox-tales]

Wondering how many others have this too?

So my entire life more or less, I've hated talking on the phone. It was one of the worst things for me to do. I avoided it. Stalled. Made my mom do it as much as possible even when I wasn't a child anymore. I just couldn't stand it. Both for speaking to strangers as well as known people.

Now I was shy, autistic and with poor social skills. And people said that I had issues with talking on the phone due to one of those traits. I believed it. After all, it kind of made sense.

Over time, I worked on my social skills and my shyness. Both for myself and to have an easier time maybe making friends. After a good decade, things have improved. I'm much less anxious in social situations. I can talk to strangers somewhat. Every context has improved... except the phone.

So that's when things seemed weird. If the reason I hated the phone was my shyness or my social skills, why didn't it change with the other two. That left my autism. But that didn't do it for me. After all, the main autistic symptom affecting it had changed.

So I began to look at my past behaviour with talking on the phone. And I realised something. I was often trying to increase the volume on my phone. Especially more recently. And I often had to ask the other person to repeat. Or I'd guess what they said way more than I liked or was used to guessing.

So now I'm like "Am I a little deaf?" Maybe hard of hearing may be more appropriate. I don't know how people feel for the terms but I've heard both for people speaking of it neutrally.

So like is it normal to not hear as well on the phone? Was it really some autistic trait or my social skills or was it just cuz I couldn't bloody hear as well as in person? Cuz I know there are stories out there of people not being diagnosed properly due to discrimination or "not being enough" of something.

In person, I can probably hear 97% of what someone says (Yes, I made up a number to try to compare soon). But on the phone, I can probably only hear 70-80% of what the person says. Like no wonder it stressed me so much.

So like is it the phone or do I actually use visuals more than one typically does to hear people?

Now I recently got a new phone. It was advertised as for elderly people. Cuz there's no internet browser. Basically, it's a basic phone. It also has features like larger font and the sound is made to better accomodate those with hearing loss. And mates, omg! I have never been able to hear so well on the phone. I won't pretend it's at 100% but I am so much more comfortable talking on the phone. Less repeating, more clarity. I still much prefer texting or other messaging but damn, it's been much nicer. So much less strain.

Anyway, so ya. Been wanting to share that for a bit now to see if anyone else has had that. By the way, my phone is a Jethro model. There's probably others but ya.

[no-where-new-hero]

LANTERN HILL CATCH UP POST AT LAST! Analysis under the cut so the post doesn't destroy everyone's timelines.

CH. 2:

LMM really knows how to put her heroines on the torture rack of family disapproval. We just went through Valancy's under the Stirlings and I know Emily's off by heart, but there's something even more terrible about the way Jane is treated because she's not 29 and therefore somewhat more acquainted with life, nor does she have Emily's soul-armor of imagination. As an object of belittling, she has very little to shield herself when her entire world is her unpleasant family around her. Love this line, I've definitely been there too lol.

Sometimes Jane thought drearily that there must be something the matter with her when there were so many people she didn't like.

CH. 3:

Jane got up and walked out of the summer-house and around the garage, past the lonely dog-house that had never had a dog in it…at least, in Jane's recollection…

Disappointed (Dog)House.

Again Jane felt a thrill of understanding. So this girl was afraid of people, too.

Jane is an unusual socially-centric LMM heroine from what I can tell. Valancy and Emily disappear into blue castles or nature to cope. Anne is intensely sociable, but she wins over everyone: she's never allowed the grimier side of humanity to put fear in her. So the fact that this is what stands against Jane and Jody marks a change: they would like to partake in the freedom of society but mores stand against Jody and Grandmother stands against Jane.

CH. 4:

Ahem. Mother's complete and utter lack of compassion for Jody is where the problems begin to arise, I see. I'm also a bit impressed that Jane is able to see her mother's "weakness" so unerringly at 10. It shows how the circumstances of always living in terror of Grandmother has provoked a trauma response of being too precocious at reading people. Grandmother continues to make my blood boil. This following passage REALLY shows LMM's mastery in making the most of an economical scene:

She stood in the doorway and looked at them. You could feel the silence spreading through the room like a cold, smothering wave. "What does this mean, Victoria...if I am allowed to ask?" "This is...Jody," faltered Jane. "I...I brought her over to give her my doll. She hasn't any." "Indeed? And you have given her the one your Aunt Sylvia gave you?" Jane at once realized that she had done something quite unpardonable. It had never occurred to her that she was not at liberty to give away her own doll.

And Jane DOES have a blue castle! Of course LMM couldn't leave her without a coping mechanism. Calling it a "moon spree" is absolutely delightful and henceforth anytime I fall into daydreams I'm going to call it a moon spree.

CH 5:

All she knew about him was that his name must have been Andrew Stuart, because mother was Mrs Andrew Stuart.

Okay not gonna lie this broke my heart a little. She doesn't even know his name qua his name. It probably had never been directly spoken to her. I have to say I love her audacity (even if unintended) in dropping the bombshell question in the mother of Grandmother's tea party. I can only imagine the tempest in the teapot that followed Jane's departure.

But the most terrible thing about it all was that there was something now that could not be talked over with mother. Jane felt it between them, indefinable but there. The old perfect confidence was gone.

And this stuck under my skin. Of course Jane would avoid the subject like the plague, but what's keeping Robin from providing her daughter with some necessary context? Grandmother's prohibition on mentioning him seemed mostly directed at Jane. I'm sure more about Robin will unfold, but keeping in mind a lot of stuff other people have posted about her, I think her cardinal sin is this kind of selfish immaturity. She has learned to love her daughter, probably because Jane insists on being self-reliant, but because of that she probably can't see what she can do to help Jane's suffering.

CH 6:

Mary did not tell Jane that she firmly believed the old lady had poisoned the dog. You didn't tell children things like that and anyway she couldn't be dead sure of it. All she was sure of was that old Mrs Kennedy had been bitterly jealous of her daughter's love for the dog.

MRS. KENT ENERGY. I feel certain someone else in the book club brought this up, but wow the resemblance is strong with this one. And a way into deciphering Teddy's character based on Robin? Certainly, the selfishness and immaturity doesn't seem a stretch to imagine.

"I expect you to obey me without argument, Victoria. You cannot have your own way all the time. Other people's wishes must be considered occasionally. Please oblige me by making no further fuss over a trifle."

Okay of all Grandmother's travesties, this one takes the cake for me. I want to slap the daylights out of this woman so badly.

CH. 7:

Kenneth Howard has peaked eyebrows...brother under the skin to Barney Snaith. Now, all jokes aside, Jane projecting onto Kenneth Howard kind of hit a personal nerve. And the fact that it's yet another thing that Robin can't talk about...like, WOMAN. Please be normal about men to your 11 year old daughter or neither of you may ever recover. I'm curious how this thread will be taken up again later.

CH. 8:

Something about the fact that Robin can't even tell her own daughter that she did a good job in front of Grandmother, no matter what Grandmother herself thinks, makes me wonder what kind of threat Robin finds herself under. Because Grandmother so determinedly "loves" Robin, she doesn't seem likely to wield sarcasm against her. Yes, she kind of orders her about and turns her into her doll, but that's less active cruelty than what she says to Jane. What is Robin so afraid of that prevents her from supporting her daughter? That Jane will be harmed if she seems too loved, like her dog? Yet if Robin is that aware of what's going on and doing nothing about it--dramatically saying that its too late for them to escape--then Robin is literally as damaging to Jane's well-being as Grandmother is.

[courtofmatchups]

First of all, I apologize for my slightly weird English, google translate helps me to read what you guys post on Tumblr.

Could I get a matchup for Tokyo Debunker?

Pronouns: She/her Sexuality: Bisexual Zodiac/MBTI: Sagittarius, INTJ Appearance: Short curly dark brown hair. Dark skin, freckles on cheeks. I'm 1.65m tall, slim body, small bust and butt and wide waist. Brown eyes, slightly round nose, thin eyebrows and medium-sized lips. Personality: Introverted, occasionally moody, but when I get confident I'm playful/a bit childish and my social battery runs out very quickly. My sense of humor is broken, it's easy to make me laugh. I'm stubborn, I always try to avoid unnecessary conflicts. Sometimes I tend to procrastinate, I don't like asking others for favors/help, even less if I'm capable of getting it/doing it myself. Surprise displays of affection make me tense.

Likes and dislikes: I like desserts; watching movies, mainly horror/thriller/romantic comedy; I enjoy interactive stories and otomes; I like watching videos of people putting on/taking off makeup, trying on clothes and giving reviews, about hair and skin care products… Oh, I also like braiding. I don't like insects; noisy places; disloyal people, liars, and people who don't value their friends; alcoholic drinks and similar substances; I don't like spicy food. I don't like being helped without asking for it first, nor do I like being told that I'm not capable of doing something (the only person who decides whether I'm capable or not is myself). Hobbies: Listening to music, watching anime, playing cell phone games, lately I'm learning crochet, so I think I'd add that as a hobby too.

Extra information: I am agnostic; I'm not a big fan of physical contact, in any case, I prefer to be the one who initiates the contact and that it doesn't last so long; I think head caresses are very cute; I like to give gifts to my loved ones; I'm somewhat disorganized for some things and organized for others, I think it depends on my mood and motivation how organized I can be; if someone yells at me I get angry easily; according to the MBTI internet test I'm INTJ and to this day I still don't feel identified with the result; I don't know if it affects the answer in any way, but I'm from Latin America, although I don't fit the stereotype at all, I'll just say that there is no worse dancer than me LOL. People say I'm a delicate and laid-back person when I'm in a good mood, and somewhat sarcastic and passive-aggressive when I'm in a bad mood.

Thank you very much in advance, kisses and hugs.

It seems to me, you've capture the heart of...

Kaito Fuji!

Let's be real, he'd be down bad for you the minute you're in his vicinity, but if you give him a chance, you will not regret it.

Hear me out: even if he is a lot more energetic than you, he's still super attentive, so if you ever feel uncomfortable, he'll pull you aside for a breather. He will tease you about your broken humour, but he will also laugh at stupid things with you. And you'll also have to tell him about the things that make you uncomfortable, he will respect that.

Your likes align with his quite well. When you tell him you like sweets, he'll make you all the best treats he can make. And if you crochet him a sweater, or a plushie, he will burst into tears. Kaito puts a lot of work into his looks, and you learning about fashion and skincare through videos could really help him also. He'd absolutely love if you'd pick out an outfit for him.

As for your dislikes, he understands your discomfort with these things, though I can't guarantee he'll be able to fully overcome his own fear of insects for you. And he will apologize for involving you in some crazy plot to escape Romeo's wrath, especially since he had to lie in the process. He will try though to overcome his fears and anxiety. He doesn't mind you needing to initiate the physical touch or things of the sort. Even if he has read in magazines that girls would rather the guy initiate it, he'd rather the tables be turned on him. Heck, he'd be over the moon.

Overall, your calmer nature can balance out his more excitable and anxious energy, making for a well-rounded dynamic.