#i always wanted a popular post but now i get it i’m overwhelmed

[5targh0st]

NUMBER ONE GIRL

78. don’t kick his ass (written)

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Looking at the ceiling, still feeling something between numbed and overwhelmed, Yeonjun convinces himself that he did what he had to do. It’s just a little break until he manages to get Yuna to stop harassing him. Once she’s out of the picture, all those feelings will go away. Once she’s gone again, he can go back to the life he’s worked so hard for, right? He knows he’s hurting the person he loves most in the world, but it’s all for a good reason. Surely, you will understand. He will explain and you’ll understand. Just not right now. Not when his old wounds are wide open and you can see his pitiful soul covered in blood. He just needs a few days, maybe weeks, and everything will be okay again.

He really wants to believe that, because it’s been just a couple of days and he’s already dying to talk to you and go back to how things were; how they’re supposed to be.

“Can you please calm down?” Dahyun sighs yet again.

Joshua’s been angry and anxious ever since he saw those posts. Just what the fuck is Yeonjun doing.

“I can’t!” He’s beyond exasperated right now. “She literally said nothing’s going on and yet has gone radio silence ever since. I need to know she’s okay, and she won’t talk to anyone. And I can’t go to Seoul ‘cause we’re closing an important deal and those fuckers insist on seeing me.”

“Hansol says he’s going,” she tries to reassure him.

“That’s way worse!” He complains.

As if sensing they were talking about him, Halson walks into the living room. He looks like he’s ready to kill someone.

“I’ll call you as soon as I get there.” He announces while he makes sure he has his passport with him.

“Just don’t kick his ass right away,” Dahyun pleads.

“I’m not making any promises,” Hansol rolls his eyes.

“She’s gonna hate us if you do,” Josh reminds him. “Just make sure to get both sides of the story.”

“We’re literally meddling in her private life, she’s gonna hate us regardless.” Sarcasm drips from his voice. “So I have to at least land a good punch on that fucker.”

Joshua can’t help but sigh again. Contrary to popular belief, Hansol is way more prone to be a lot more overprotective than he is, and that already says a lot. Of, course, Joshua knows he’s intense and kind of abrasive, but he’s never one to resort to violence. Josh admits he’s the bark, and Hansol is the bite. That’s why they make such a good team. And that’s why he didn’t want him to go alone.

“I really hope you guys don’t regret this,” Dahyun says hugging his waist.

“I think we will.”

During the flight, Hansol tries to think about something else. He really, really tries to write a song and even read the book he always carries around which title he’s already forgotten. He can’t. His mind goes back to his little sister and, by extension, to Josh.

He still remembers the day they met, they were both five and trying not to die of boredom at one of the fancy dinners their parents used to host all the time. Joshua’s chubby cheeks and proud grin are still clear in his mind, “I’m gonna be a big brother soon,” he remembers Joshua bragging. That summer, they met every day and Joshua would say he’d be his big brother too. He was bossy, even more than now, but he was fun. Joshua would try to teach him stuff and care for him, he really enjoyed flexing those few months between their birthdays. Hansol has to admit that he was a little jealous of Joshua’s unborn sister, he liked the attention and felt that the little girl would steal Joshua from him.

And then he saw her. So tiny and fragile, she stole his heart. “Can I be a big brother too?” He remembers asking Joshua. And it’s been like that ever since. He was there as much as he could and tried to help here and there. He thought little Yn would interfere with his time with Joshua, but it was Joshua who’d always tried to cut short his time with the little girl. He loved attending her tea parties and letting her and Karina paint his nails. He’s loved her ever since he first saw her, he’d give up his life for his sister. Blood doesn’t matter, that’s his sister. And he’s gonna make sure Yeonjun understands.

That’s what made him lose his mind in the first place. He was the first to welcome Yeonjun to their little family and even encouraged him to finally ask Yn out. He was really grateful for his presence in his sister’s life. He never expected that he would do something like this, especially completely out of nowhere.

“What the hell is going on?” He mutters looking out the window. There’s nothing to see, though, not besides some dark clouds in the distance.

Three days. It’s been three days since Yeonjun said he needed some space. You still can’t make sense out of his words. You tried texting him, calling him. You haven’t shown up to his place, though, you don’t think you could handle such a direct rejection if he refuses to see you even then. Where did it all go wrong? Everything was going great, better than great even. Everything was perfect.

Were you too pushy? Too clingy? Just too much? Or maybe he got scared? This was his first relationship after a really long time, after all. Maybe everything got way too serious way too fast. He did say he wanted to take things slow, see where it goes. But you thought you were on the same page, you thought you both had the same goals and desires. What if he was just trying to please you? What if you were just a means to an end? What if he was just trying to prove that he could be in a relationship?

But he said he loved you? Loved? When did you start to think about him in past tense? Isn’t he your present and future? Fuck. Everything is a little too overwhelming.

“I need to get out,” you say before grabbing your keys and going out.

You walk around for a few hours but turns out that that’s not enough to ease your mind. Your thoughts are still driving you crazy. Your heart still aching. And Yeonjun’s still missing. When did you get so used to him being around? You miss his jokes, his laugh. His yapping, his random stories. Every single part of him became a part of you. How is it possible to love someone that much in such a short time? His little quirks are engraved in your mind. And you miss him.

And then you see the best way to forget about everything. Even if just for a little while. You just want to forget. Life would be easier if you could just disappear until everything is right again.

“Just one drink,” you say before making your way into the bar.

Very bad idea.

notes:

please tell me you get the modern family reference 😭

joshua trying to be reasonable is my favorite thing ever

han is a real one

if you don't hate my writing and storytelling, you can help me choose my next story here lol

taglist: open! (3/50)

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[kkshowtunes]

google citing ao3 as a source is so unhinged

[pencil-n-pen]

I’M STILL TRYING EVERYTHING

⋆° 𐙚 ₊🧦☕🧸₊°⋆ ೀ₊°⋆

previous | kofi | masterlist

post prison!spencer reid x fem!reader

₊ ⊹

I'm still trying everything to keep you looking at me.

-mirrorball, taylor swift

₊ ⊹

summary: you’ve never had a date or a relationship that either didn’t work out or end in disaster. now that you have spencer, you’re determined not to let it happen again

cw: referenced bad past relationships, very very vaguely referenced past domestic abuse that honestly could be taken a different way, referenced child abuse (readers parents are STILL not it) again this is a criminal minds fic so references to graphic violence

tags/tropes: hurt/comfort (do i even need to say this? you all know who i am) insecurity, like one line of misogyny and it’s in the past and not brought up again, spencer being soft n worried, HEALTHY COMMUNICATION, spencer is just as gone for reader as she is for him honestly he's just a sap

a/n: back by popular demand !! seriously guys, you have no idea how much the support and comments and reblogs and asks means to me 🥹 the overwhelming amount of love for the first fic made me so happy when people started asking about a sequel i knew i had to !!

read the crossword on the collage for a surprise :)

this one goes out to all my girlies who’ve ever felt like they needed to be less in order to get a boyfriend or keep one. we’ll have our soft love just the way it was meant to be

⋆⭒˚.⋆

Spencer is a really good boyfriend.

Like… a really good boyfriend. You’re not sure if this is how having a real boyfriend is or if Spencer is just like this.

He’s so good to you. He’s just so- so him. You can’t explain it. Can’t put it into words.

He’s very patient with you. You’ve never explicitly stated it, but he’s picked up on your previous relationship experience- or more accurately, your lack thereof. The morning after you’d gone home with him, night consisting of nothing but easy sleep and warmth, he’d asked you out for real. Asked you if you’d go on a date with him, and you’d agreed, a giddy smile fixed firmly on your face.

But you still worry.

All it takes it one conversation with your parents to push things over the edge.

“Yes, dad. He’s very good to me.”

A laugh crackles over the line. “I tell you, your mother and I never thought we’d see the day.”

The words twinge uncomfortably in your chest. “Hey, I’m not that bad. I’ve just been focused.”

“More like uptight.”

“Dad—“

“You know, you still haven’t come out to visit your poor old parents since getting this so-called cushy job. And now you’ve got this boyfriend. You’re too young to settle down. Don’t you think we should meet him?”

Sometimes conversations turn so quickly they leave you stranded— scrambling to pick up pieces of what you thought was going to happen and piece them together to make something new. Something for the new route the conversation has taken.

You couldn’t hold back your sigh if you tried. “We haven’t been dating for that long dad, I don’t want to spring this on him—“

“Sweetie, if we don’t meet him now, why might never meet him. Who knows how long he’s gonna stick around?”

(Sometimes, in moments like these, for just a split second, you wonder how a father could say something like that, to his daughter. You wonder why, wonder what you did wrong. And then, you imagine Hotch saying those same things, and you can’t, and it almost makes you feel a little better.)

Your blood runs cold. “What could you possibly mean by that?”

“Well, you know how things have ended in the past. I’m just saying I’d like to meet him before he’s gone."

You don't dignify his words with a response.

"Come on, honey. I'm just joking with you."

"It's not funny."

"Don't be like that--"

"Goodbye."

You hang up, snapping the phone shut with a sigh.

The older you've gotten, the more conversations with your parents end up like this. You suppose it's the way you 'wasted your potential' or 'never made something of yourself.' They've always held resentment ever since you decided to become an agent. So you know not to take what they say to heart, because their words only come from a place of disappointment and displeasure. It's not a reflection of who you really are or what you've really accomplished.

Or at least, that's what Hotch told you when he'd overheard one of your phone calls. It meant more than you'd let on.

But your Dad's words linger in your head. They're irritating and sharp where they claw around in your head because they're true.

You can count on one hand the amount of romantic endeavors you've had. And from those, they all ended horribly. Your parents lost sympathy towards the end of your attempts, muttered words of needing to try harder to keep them, that you should be satisfied that somebody wanted you at all, that you should try to be less... you.

Try to be less... you, dear. The books and the facts- nobody wants those. Put some more effort into your appearance. Otherwise you'll end up all alone.

You'd tried to take their advice, of course. But the relationships that were fathered your parents direction were not loving. There was nothing soft or gentle or warm about them. You'd never felt more unlovable.

So when the incident with the shooter happened and you were lying on the lecture hall floor, blood coloring the carpet deep scarlet, you'd vowed to never let it happen again. That you were going to use your intellect and wit and passion for what you wanted to do- you'd promised yourself that if you survived, you would try to make your life your own, one step at a time.

This, of course, is easier said than done.

It's easy enough to refuse to let yourself get involved with men who are clearly only interested in your for your badge or your body --though the latter happens so rarely you really don't have to worry about it-- because you don't care about them. They're blips on your radar.

But Spencer? Sweet, sweet Spencer who makes you hot-cocoa and binge watches Doctor Who with you, even the later seasons, which you know he doesn't like as much but you love. Spencer who always has a grounding touch to offer, or a quiet command when you need him. Spencer who puts you first.

But there's a limit to these things, right? As far as you've seen, romantic relationship's are transactional, or conditional. Sometimes both. He can't just... keep doing this forever. It's too kind. Too sweet. It'll come to an end soon. Like, like the honeymoon era in early relationships. That's all it is. Plus, he's older than you, and you have no illusions about your unavoidable impulsiveness and naivety.

You've been told that your standards are too high before. "Struck by the hopeless romantic's arrow," your brother had said once, back when you were still in school, crying over a boy who'd told you that he didn't want to date you because you were too smart for a girl.

"That's not being hopeless romantic. There's no such thing as being too smart for a girl."

"There isn't," He'd amended, "But you're not going to have an easy time finding a guy. You of all people can't really afford to be picky."

He'd been right, in the end. So you're just... having a hard time figuring out how genuine Spencer's actions are. Guy's don't really act all romantic in the context of you. You've been told your whole life to be happy with what you get, and what you've had in the past is decidedly not lining up with how Spencer treats you.

It's a nasty little thing in your ear. Is it real? Does it matter as much to him?

When is it all going to end?

--

Rossi make's an offhand comment during a mission that you talk a lot when you're excited about the subject at hand.

JJ agrees. "It's a little unnerving when the subject is the bruising patterns of strangulation."

That little voice comes back.

Too much too much too much too much too much--

"It's useful," You protest, mouth dry.

JJ snorts, "I'm not sure about that. We need to know that the victim was strangled, not what happens to the body during blunt-force asphyxiation."

You'd grown quiet then, let the chatter and musings of the rest of the team wash over you.

Is that something Spencer finds annoying? You have always found things other's view morbid and disturbing fascinating. But JJ is right. No one wants to hear about that.

You brush the comment off, square your shoulders, get back on with the case.

Be better. Try harder.

You don't seen the furrow of Spencer's brows from where he's been watching you, or the quick look he shares with Hotch.

--

You'd never really thought about how clingy you can be before Emily makes an offhand comment about it while the two of you wait in line at a coffee shop. There's a couple in front of you, the girl all over her partner, kissing and giggling and hugging them close.

"Ugh," Emily groans once the two get their coffee and move on. "I could never understand the appeal of all that. I mean doesn't it feel stifling?"

A little stab of ice in your stomach.

"I don't know. I think it's nice."

"No, thank you. If I were her partner, I'd feel smothered."

You think about that conversation every time you take Spencer's hand or lean into his simple touches. They're invasive little things, the thoughts. It's not hard to pull back on all the touching. You never really ask for them in the first place- always too nervous to come off clingy. But you suppose just taking, taking, taking is just the same.

A quick shake of your head, not leaning in, a quiet "I'm fine." and that little nagging fear of smothering begins to quiet. It doesn't leave, but it does get quieter. For a little while, at least.

--

The hard part is trying to be less without noticeably being less. Spencer's smart- and he's a profiler. If you pull back too much too quickly, he'll notice, and you don't want to talk about this yet. You just need to make sure he'll stay. That things won't—

That you won't find out too late that you don't mean as much to him as he does to you.

That's the kind of thing that can't happen again. But ascertaining his true feelings and desires is difficult, because this is all kind's of new territory for you. You want to believe it's real. You really, really want to believe it's real.

But it's never been real before, so why would it be real now?

--

You've asked around (subtly and carefully, of course) about the type of girl Spencer's dated or drifted towards in the past. You know he said he wanted something soft and sweet, but you can't help but think that you're not really either, nor are you in line with his type. All things considered, you're a mess. Something tired-eyed and hollow is how you feel most days. Some sort of creature perhaps? You're honestly not sure what you are. You've spent your entire life being singled out or otherwise othered- always too smart or too different or too weird or too much or too loud or too quiet or too shy or too, too, too. Always too something. You have never been called soft or sweet. In a demeaning way, sure, but never with the quiet reverence that Spencer said it with that night.

It feels like a balancing act, a bit. Holding all those too much parts so close to your chest with one hand and shoving the ones you think Spencer wants with the other hand.

You could probably drop the one hand. The one holding the bad parts. But you're just not convinced he'll stay. You're not sure that he won't look at them with some form of disgust or pity or something else terrible.

You know the balancing act isn't sustainable— you'll fall eventually, and everything will come crashing down, but until then, you just keep trying. Trying to see if he'll stay, trying to see what to do if he won't. How to ensure he will, if that's something that's possible.

--

The act does not hold up for as long as you hoped it would. It comes crashing down with a glass. Literally.

You and Spencer are in the kitchen on a rare weekend off, cooking and drinking wine and swaying to some little old love song.

It should be perfect, except you're worrying that you look ugly while you're dancing, and you're probably singing off-key, and he maybe wants you to shut up so he can hear the song or dance in peace.

He reaches towards you and you just— your brain shrieks for a moment, all senses going into overdrive and you jerk backward, and your elbow knocks into your wine glass, and it falls, shattering behind you with a deafening crash.

Your entire body tenses, waiting for yelling or sighing or something, because you broke the glass, there's crystalline shards everywhere, the wine red and it looks like blood, maybe it is, maybe you're bleeding because the glass was really close to your foot when it fell but you're not sure because you can't really feel your feet or your fingers or—

"Don't move," Spencer says, voice serious, and tears well in your eyes, because this is when it all ends isn't it? "I don't want you to— honey?"

"Yes?" You croak.

His eyes are swimming with concern as he takes in your hunched shoulders, shallow breaths, and scared expression.

Understanding flickers in his features, and you resist the urge to hold your breath.

"Nothing is going to happen to you because of the glass, okay? Everything is fine. We're fine. I'm not mad. See? I'm not mad. I just don't want you to cut your feet on the glass. I'm going to clean this up and get your slippers, okay?"

"Okay." You breathe, voice hoarse. You wring your hands nervously as he leaves to retrieve the necessary supplies to clean the mess, heart beating so fast and so hard you're shocked you can't see it through your shirt.

He's not mad. He's not mad. You're not in trouble. Your parents aren't here. You're not grounded. You're not in trouble. He's not mad.

You're silent while he cleans, focused on getting your breathing under control while he babbles quietly about the history of glass making and the significance of types of wine glasses. The facts and history wash over you in steady waves, easing the tension in your shoulders bit by bit.

"I didn't think you were going to hit me, Spencer."

He continues cleaning. "It's okay if you did. I would never blame you for that."

"But I don't," You say, suddenly desperate, "I know you wouldn't, I've never been hit, not like that."

He's quiet for a few minutes. "Does this have something to do with how you've been acting recently?"

You freeze. "What do you mean?"

He looks up, leaning back on his knees. Making himself smaller, you realize. He's trying not to scare you again.

"You're dating a profiler. Also, I speak fluent you, and you've been chewing all your hangnails again. You only do that when you're stressed and pretending like you're not."

Your finger's twitch at your sides.

His hands come up slowly, and he rubs the length of your waist and hips. "We don't have to talk about it right now, but I think we should soon. I don't want you hurting all by yourself. You've had enough of that. That's what I'm here for."

He finishes cleaning up the glass, and finishes cooking dinner- he'd assured you he'd turned off all burners when the glass hit the floor, so nothing's burnt.

Once you've both eaten, he steers you towards the couch and wordlessly puts on Doctor Who.

The Pandorica is just about to open when you finally decide that if you don't start talking, you never will.

"My parents think you're going to leave me."

Spencer makes a wounded noise in his throat. "Why do they think that?"

"Because it's happened before. I'm, um. I'm not very good at getting into relationships. Or keeping them."

"But that's not your fault."

You sniff hard, rubbing your face with your sleeve. "It is though, isn't it? At least a little. I know I can be a lot. I know I'm not easy to—"

You cut yourself off, but the words hang in the air anyway; unsaid.

I'm not easy to love.

"Anyway," You say, pushing through the lump in your throat. "I just thought. I don't know. I was worried that you'd get fed up with me."

"No," He whispers, voice raw and full of something a lot heavier than fond. "No, no baby. I like that you're clingy and you ramble when you get excited, because it means that we get to talk about something together."

He shifts on the couch, sitting criss-crossed, ducking his head down to catch your gaze. "You know what else I like?"

You scoot over, mirroring his position. "What?"

"I like that you always know when I need you. Even when I don't think I do, you're there. Because I do need you. This isn't a one-way street."

His words hit you straight in your chest. "Oh."

He smiles, brows a little scrunched, brown eyes a deep pool of fondness and a splash of concern. "Yeah. And I'm thinking you need me a little more than you want to let on."

The seam of your pajama pants suddenly becomes the most interesting thing in the world. Amazing, the wonders of a sewing machine.

"Maybe."

"Mmm," He hums, "So if I need you, don't you think that you're allowed to need me?"

Your fingers pick and twirl a loose thread around. "...Yes?"

A large, firm hand covers your thigh, giving it a quick squeeze. "Yes. Not only are you allowed to need me, I want you to need me. Cause you know how you're always worried about being the best girlfriend? Well, I'm always worried about being the best boyfriend."

That makes you look up. "Really?"

He chuckles again, a little puff of air fanning your face. "Yes, really. I assure you, contrary to your past experiences, this is one of those bare minimum things in a relationship."

"That does not," He continues, immediately catching the brief flicker of doubt and shame on your face, "Mean that it is your fault at all for how you were treated in the past. You wouldn't expect me to suddenly become an expert in veterinary medicine just because I've been to the vet's office a few times, right?"

"When did you go to the vet's—"

"Shh, I'm being a good boyfriend," He holds up a hand, lips quirking up when you can't suppress a tiny giggle, "But seriously. You had no frame of reference, right? And you were being told it was your fault. But it wasn't. You didn't deserve that."

He lets his words hang in the air for a little while and allows you time to process this new information.

"What do I do now?"

"Well," He leans in, brushing his nose against yours, curls tickling your forehead, "You've got a pretty sweet deal here. Just three things. You have to keep letting me need you, let yourself need me, and one last little thing."

"What?"

You're so close your breaths are mingling.

"Let me show you what this is supposed to look like. How a man is supposed to treat a pretty girl. His pretty girl."

"Oh, well," Heat rushes to your cheeks, your stomach doing flip-flops, "That sounds pretty hard. I don't know how I'll hold up."

His hand comes up to hold the side of your face, his thumb sweeping strokes under your eye.

"You say that now, but I know what happens to you when I get romantic. You swoon."

You laugh. "I do not swoon."

"You will."

He leans down, capturing your lips in a soft, gentle kiss. It isn't a kiss-kiss. He's kissing you just to kiss you; just to let you know that he's here, that you have him.

It's sweet and perfect and exactly what you need.

--

Letting yourself need Spencer is marginally easier now that you know he needs you. Now that you know you're not going all in for someone who isn't.

He also starts needing you a bit... louder.

It's late evening, and most people have gone home except you and a couple other members of the team, all still working on paperwork.

Except Spencer, who's decided to drape himself over your shoulders like a cat, his chin resting on your head.

"Don't you have work to do?"

"Either finished it or it can be done later."

You shift your shoulders, smiling at how his grumbles vibrate against your back.

He moves his head, pressing his cheek to your head instead of his chin, heaving a deep sigh.

"Your hair smells good."

"Like what?"

"You're shampoo. Yours always smell better than mine."

You continue to work through your paperwork, Spencer a continuous and solid weight against your back.

"Is this even comfortable for your back at all?"

"Doesn't matter. Need girlfriend time."

He can't see it, but you're sure he knows how hard you blush.

--

Spencer's cooking the two of you a late breakfast in the kitchen of his apartment, hair still all mussed from sleep. He's quite the sight. You can't stop staring.

You're sitting on the counter, still dressed in your pajamas, legs swinging.

"You wanna know something cool?"

"You know it,"

"Butterflies and moths can drink blood and tears. There's nutrients in them. Purple Emperor butterflies are especially known for this. It's called mud-puddling."

"So you're telling me I should make sure I bandage any open wounds before I go to a butterfly house?"

"I guess. I can't imagine they'd be able to drink enough blood to actually cause any damage."

"Maybe we'll have to go to a butterfly house. For research."

"Should we get dinner afterwards?"

"We'll deserve it, you know, for all the hard research we'll have done."

"Hmm. Yes, I suppose so."

--

Spencer's bed is infinitely more comfortable than your bed. You're pretty sure it's a combination of the fact that it's the only thing in the entire world that smells so much like him and the fact that he spent part of his large FBI paycheck on a fancy mattress. Back support is very important to him.

You're doing a little reading before bed, shamelessly sprawled all over him while he does his own reading. You've got a leg hooked over his hips, the other tangled with his legs, and your arms and head pillowed on his chest. You move a little every time he takes a breath, and more than once you've paused in your reading, mesmerized by the feeling.

He shifts under you, setting his book down on his night stand and making himself more comfortable.

"Should I move?"

"No," he says, voice deep and gravelly with sleep. He wraps his arms around your waist, pulling you flush to him, face pressed to the crook of your neck. He breathes deep, scruffy stubble scratching against your skin. "Like you close. Good for sleep."

Even with the lamp on, and your book in your hand, you fall asleep soon after him.

--

It's an ordinary evening for the two of you. Discarded dishes sit on the coffee table in front of the t.v, neither of you paying them any attention, wrapped up in each other and eyes glued to the screen.

You look up at Spencer who's watching Doctor Who with the focus of a man who's never seen it, even though you know for a fact he's seen it before, several times in fact.

"I want to know the things you like," He'd said simply, the one time you'd asked why he takes your nightly Doctor Who watching so seriously.

And tonight's no different. Tonight, he looks... well, he looks like Spencer. His face illuminated by the TV screen, his hair all mussed from you running your hands through it earlier.

And it just kind of all hits you at once. You know.

"I love you."

He looks down at you, his expression soft and surprised. When your words register, his expression is so sickeningly fond and happy you can't help but lean in, burying your face in his chest. He rubs your back consolingly, then presses a little kiss to the crown of your head.

"I love you too."

⋆⭒˚.⋆

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[ffc1cb]

new art blog

the short version:

1. i made a new art blog: @cbge;

2. @ffc1cb will stay up as an archive.

the long version:

hi everyone. this announcement is somewhat late, since the blog in question has been up for a few months now, and i’ve already started posting art on it. the reason it took me so long to “reveal” it is because i’ve been trying to figure out whether a new blog is something i actually want, or if it's just me throwing darts at a board, trying to make myself feel better somehow.

i don’t know when precisely it all started, but ever since sometime last year i’ve been going through a hard time, both emotionally and creatively. i’m not sure whether being depressed is what made art harder, or art becoming harder is what made me depressed (a bit of both, i think), but lately, drawing has been a struggle. 

i’ve found myself having less and less energy for art, and this lack of energy resulted in poorer quality of drawings, which resulted in me feeling like i’m getting worse at it, despite my efforts. i knew i could make good art, art that i’m proud of - i’ve done so countless times before, - but somehow it felt like i just couldn’t anymore, like my hands forgot how to. nothing looked right. 

i’ve been trying to experiment. i’ve learned some new things, tried this and that - it was enlightening, to say the least, and even though i kind of liked how it looked, it made me feel a sense of displacement. i was at odds with myself, my art, and how i felt about it, when previously i was always in sync. i was making art, yes, and it looked nice, but it felt like it wasn’t mine.

i suppose part of it was also the growing lack of engagement, and i don’t mean likes and reblogs - i never particularly cared about those. they are all just numbers to me; dry and impersonal. what i’m talking about is actual, human interactions: personal thoughts in tags, asks, replies, etc. a conversation. 

i don’t mean to sound “old” or anything, but i remember when talking to artists online was more commonplace. my wife tells me it’s because the internet culture has changed over the years, that people have become more reclusive, less willing to be open with their thoughts, and she's probably right, but in my slump i find it hard to believe. somehow it feels like it’s my fault for being less “engaging”, for seeming unapproachable or perhaps intimidating. maybe it’s ���just a skill issue”, maybe it’s because i have stopped churning out fanart for popular fandoms, maybe it’s because i refuse to torture myself emotionally by having an art account on twitter (i can’t fucking stand the place anymore; i still post nsfw art there, but only because it’s literally one of the only places on the internet that allows you to do so. i miss when you could post female presenting tits on tumblr).

i have always, ever since i started posting art on the internet back in 2012, done it for human connection. i wanted to talk to people, and have people talk to me. i wanted to inspire people with my art, and i wanted to bring them comfort. i wanted to elicit an emotional response, and have people tell me about it. it was one of the main reasons i drew in the first place; having lost that, i’ve been struggling to stay passionate about making art.

i miss being a small artist on the internet during the 2010s. i remember when i could make a post going, “hey everyone, how are you all doing today?” and it would not seem weird to people in the slightest. it is just me? does anyone else feel that way? am i too deep in my own head? the internet feels so unwelcoming nowadays, especially to artists. we are all just content machines; people scroll by our stuff, or maybe look at it for half a second and leave a like before scrolling away. i know it’s unfair to demand people’s attention, especially now when our lives are already so overwhelmed by everything - no one has the energy to pay closer attention; i myself am not immune to mindless scrolling. but it feels bad. i wish we were all sincere and enthusiastic again.

anyway (sorry for rambling. i hope i haven’t bored you to death), you might want to say, okay, but how is making a new art blog on a “dying” social platform going to help with any of that? the truth is, i don’t know. i just felt like i needed a change. 

i’ve been running this blog since 2016 (that’s almost 8 full years!). i feel incredibly attached to it, but at the same time, i feel it weighing me down. 

there are people who followed me years ago for one specific thing, still expecting me to post about said thing (i still find it mindboggling that some people follow artists for a specific fandom only, but that is a whole other matter for a whole other post that i will never write). a third, if not half, of my following are probably dead blogs. and with my current struggle with trying to regain the joy i once felt for making art, looking back at all the art i’ve done over the years makes me feel tired. i still love it all; it’s all very dear to me. i’m proud of it; looking at it makes me mourn my younger and more passionate self.

so i’ve decided to make a new blog, where i will let myself post whatever i want, in whatever stage of donness i feel like. maybe it will help me, somehow. maybe it won’t. but if you care about my art, if you want to keep following me on my artistic journey, i welcome you to join me there. similarly, feel free not to - no hard feelings.

thank you everyone for your support over the years; it matters a lot to me. i’m not planning to delete or private this blog; it will stay up, and i will still be reachable on here. i will still answer asks, if there will be any. i’m just not planning to post any art here anymore. this is it for my dear old friend ffc1cb.

i can be found in other places:

@cbge, as mentioned earlier,

@k0nstanta, an art blog dedicated solely to my wife and i’s ocs,

@inquisimail, a dragon age ask blog that has become my dragon age sideblog in general,

and multiple other blogs, none of which are art related, but feel free to ask, if you’re curious.

thank you very much for reading all of this. i hope you have a wonderful day.

[zexapher]

Art Imitates Life

Had this idea in my back pocket for what must be a few months now, but after Akumu_Oukoku’s wonderful ‘Weiss is silly’ meme,  I thought I’d finally put this one together. That, and I wanted to make a little something to celebrate White Knight’s glorious victory in Ship Wars 8! The hordes of r/fnki well and truly descended upon the tournament, and all the better for White Knight!

I think there were a few folks on the regular sub that hadn’t quite realized just how popular White Knight had become within the community, but fnki itself has turned into something of a fortress for the ship, and the results of the tourney speak for themselves. White Knight really wound up dominating, becoming champion by an overwhelming margin, and with just Lancaster and Nuts & Dolts putting up strong competition in the previous rounds.

I’m impressed, and super stoked. It’s really something special seeing White Knight come out so strong after so many years treated as a pariah, having never before made it past the first round but now becoming the champion. The stars had aligned, really. The final round taking place on Weiss’ birthday, White Knight winning the championship being the perfect gift. Volume 9 had given the ship strong foundations to stand on. We can see that expressed in not only the various memes put out over time, but also in the A-Jaune-da alliance and numerous comments inundating the polls in order to promote the ship. White Knight shippers really had an incredibly strong messaging campaign this tournament, I might say no one else came close, and we always kept it positive. Everyone involved should feel proud.

Now, as for this meme, I chose these six characters (and Weiss) because I found it rather appropriate that they have all to some extent shipped White Knight in canon. Jaune, of course, is an obvious one. The story is littered with examples for him all the way through. Similarly, Weiss has been growing fonder of Jaune throughout the show, but Volume 9 saw her interest revealed in a very pronounced manner. Nora has the most tenuous claim here, having shared few moments with Weiss. However, Nora has a moment in Volume 5 where she teases Weiss about liking Jaune’s nickname, going on to tease the Ice Queen about her thawed heart.

Oscar, of course, gets his absolutely stoked look that he throws at Jaune when Weiss accepts Jaune’s invitation to the movies. Like, Oscar is just so happy for his big bro. Blake has a moment or two over the course of the show, notably her happy little glance between Jaune and Weiss at the Argus reunion, her smug look at the ~mature~ line, and how she perks up at Weiss’ giggle with Jaune about his restored youth. No real surprise there, since Blake is actually Jaune’s offscreen super-secret best friend. Yang herself throws a little dating advice Jaune’s way, and gets her ‘one day’ line, when our boy was down in the dumps following a rejection or two. She points out to Weiss that her harshness rejecting Jaune is the sort of thing that earned her the Ice Queen nickname. And, like Blake, Yang gets her own smug look following the ~mature~ line. Then there’s my most controversial addition to this list, Pyrrha. After all, she did walk Jaune through how to ask Weiss to the dance.

Yes, this was all an excuse for me to make a post about every little scrap from the show suggesting the characters ship White Knight. If anyone can think of any more, feel free to share. Maybe Cindere killing Jaune’s rival love interests, yet her attempts on Weiss’ life seem to have only helped Jaune and Weiss grow closer, hmmm. Well, I hope you all enjoy, I had good fun making it!

[froggibus]

u okay? u seemed so hyped for kinktober then u disappeared :(

hey! i'm so sorry about that, but i probably won't be finishing it off aside from the one for ffg

i was gonna make this post sooner but tbh i did not think anyone would really notice if i stopped posting

TLDR; I won’t be finishing the list, I’m on a teeny little hiatus & trying to do better

cw; mental health struggles, police, death

this was a bit of a hard post to write but I’ve always been transparent on this blog about my mental health, some of my most popular fics were related/about my struggles with ptsd, and I want to be open with you guys

my mental health has just been really bad for a while now and i feel completely overwhelmed

there’s also been a horrific situation in my dorm building this week where a student died, and there’s been police all over campus

there is a silver lining tho! i’m doing some counselling right now, i’m going back to my old job i loved and i get a little break for reading week soon!

really sorry I couldn’t finish the list :( I hope to do better next year.

I’ve been writing some lowkey hurt/comfort lately that might be posted later on; and I have a couple ideas for maybe some Christmas stuff

was there a post in particular you were hoping to see? i have a little time this weekend and a little inspo, maybe i could try to write it

[writingescapades]

Rafayel the Vlogger

To promote his new art installation and collaboration with another beauty company, the marketing team suggesting Rafayel vlog his life for 2 weeks to get people interested, especially the younger generation. How does our fishy cope?

A/N: We're going to pretend that Rafayel doesn't have a bounty on him.

Rafayel’s first instinct is a HELL NO. He’s an introvert. A private person. He doesn’t anyone to know about him and his life.

              Thomas: It’s for your art sales, Rafeyel!

              Rafayel: I’m okay with being poor.

Somehow Thomas coerces Rafayel into the idea. Probably threatening to send him off on long promos, forcing him to spend less time with you.

So, begrudgingly, Rafayel starts his vlogs. First video is him going, “I don’t want to do this but because we’re collaboration with REDACTED company, you now get to see this face for a week”.

Despite being unwilling, Rafayel knows his vlogging game. You bet he’s coming in with that aesthetic portrayal of his artistic life. The irony is that it’s not even pretentious or false. He really does live the life his vlogs depict. Goes really hard with ocean themes in his videos.

Doesn’t really show how he paints. He might bring his viewers to the art room, maybe play with the sound so that you hear his paintbrush. Or he’ll provide random aesthetic shots with music that capture his mood and thoughts while painting. But you’ll never see his actual work.

In fact, you see very little of him in the video. Rafayel prefers to show you his life, not himself. so his head is almost always out of shot, and sometimes all you will see are his hands. He’s a master at video editing, and enjoys using the videos to play with new editing techniques.

Loves shorts, but only uses them for 2 situations. The first to capture something beautiful and momentary like a rainbow appearing in the rain. The second is for those “what the” random as hell moments that make you crack a smile.

LOVES showing the food he’s making. It’s the only time you’ll see his full face as it focuses on dicing whatever he’s cooking. Always, always shows his platting and ensures that viewers see 2 plates. Only really cooks if you’re coming over, so when viewers see him cook, they know you’ll be around.

Speaking of you, Rafayel does not really show you in his vlogs. He respects your privacy, and doesn’t want the world to come down on you just because you choose to be part of his life. Also, he finds it creepy to film your relationship. It feels staged even if the emotions are real. Despite that, viewers do know he has a partner. They might know you when you accompany him as his bodyguard. And in his vlogs, they would have seen brief shots, often candid ones when you were just doing your own thing. But he never wholly includes you in these vlogs, and he always shows you what he filmed and gets your permission before posting them.

Despite not being a part of the vlogs, that doesn’t stop Rafayel expressing his love for you. The whole world knows just how damn much the man loves you. He’s not cheesy or ridiculous about it. In fact, he barely verbalizes it, no those words are meant for one person’s ears only. But they see it when they see him cooking you favourite meal, always having a cup of tea ready for when you appear. They see it in the little things you leave behind and the space he’s made for your life.

He really enjoys night routines because of how relaxing they can be. Loves it when you’re spending the night over. Again, he won’t film you, but viewers can tell you both are getting ready for bed and boy does he go hard with the ocean aesthetic here. Depicting animated sea creatures following the two of you as you prepare for sleep. The video sound itself, quieting down to calming ocean waves, and finally the depths of the sea as the camera fades out.

But after 2 weeks, Rafayel calls its quits. Despite the overwhelming popularity, he doesn’t like how much time it takes to edit the videos. Frankly, he finds his life not very interesting, and he doesn’t really want the world to shatter the little niche he’s carved out for himself. He thinks its more interesting to learn about people from what they leave behind and the mark they make in the world and in the lives of other people. He might try it again if the fancy takes him or if another company requests him to do so, but it’s not a hobby he wants to regularly do.

[lookismaddict]

Girly pop *sigh* it's been A YEAR SINCE YOU POSTED THE 12TH PART OF RENDEZVOUS WHEN ARE WE GETTING 13TH ???????

“Hi Cat, how have you been? I hope you’ve been doing well.” Oh, I’ve been doing fine. Thank you for asking! Been busy with life. How are you? Girl, thanks for your concern. 😀

The messages I get in my inbox is all basically just asking for the next chapter. No concerns, no other follow-up questions related to Lookism, whatsoever. Just the direct, "Where's the next chapter?" type of questions. The more I see these, the more it feels dehumanizing to a certain extent, and the excitement I get whenever I return, declines.

I've always wanted to address this whenever I'm bombarded with questions regarding the next chapter. But, to put it into simple terms, I haven’t touched it until recently, because I have a life that keeps me busy and occupied. (Yeah, finally.) Hell, I even deleted Tumblr for a while and haven't touched it ever since because of that. Until last week, when I downloaded the app again since I wanted to come back during my break from school with an optimistic approach. But instead, I just keep getting questions like this and I start to fade back out of it again.

I'm not a slave. I honestly, write whenever I want to and whenever I feel like it because I started my story as a hobby in the first place. So, whenever I get questions asking for the next chapter, all I can tell you is: "You will get it, when it's published." I mentioned this before countless numbers of times that I don't have a definite date. I'm sorry if that may seem harsh, but I'm not going to keep answering the same question over and over again. You should know by now that I don't run on a schedule.

But, to the same person(s) who keep asking the same thing over again about the next chapter, just chill. Rest assured, I started working on it again. Whoever saw the recent chapter I just posted, April’s Fool’s! No chingas, my guy. I got you.

Sometimes, I feel bad for all writers in general who consistently get questions about stories or works that become popular, so they tend to take a break from them because of the pressure. The pressure of having to write and to try and appease the audience can be daunting, to the point that the writer will lose their touch and their passions to even continue a story again. The overwhelming pressure of it all is what gradually affects a writer. That, and how their minds don't always focus on the work at hand and they start to drift away from it because of how busy they become, in their lives.

But on the other hand, I get it. The wait has been pretty long and it's been a year. I'm well aware of that. I don't want to be rude, but in all honesty, I'm tired. I'm tired of constantly having to readdress this again and again, so this will be my final reply regarding the constant questions. And to my mutuals and friends who sent messages about taking my time and going at my own pace regarding my writing, thank you. From the bottom of my heart, thank you so much for understanding. <3

What's funny to me, is that this predicament reminded me of this one video. This is all of you Rendezvous readers whenever I come back to check my messages sometimes:

Watch me pull a CoryxKenshin rn /j. I can do more than a 9 month streak next time.

So, I’m sorry that I left you guys again. And as an apology, new Rendezvous chapter + other stuff will come out soon. 🖤 (I’m not bullshitting this time.)

[vintage-bentley]

Fandom TERFing out is going to be a key part of overcoming this ideology. I'm always on the lookout for TERF fic writers! Who is this based GOmens fic writer and how can we support her? Even if she hasn't peaked all the way yet, I hope she knows there are people in the fandom who support her. I hope she can stand strong against the shaming.

If you're reading this somehow, peaking GOmens fic writer, I hope you know the people abusing you are socially maladjusted freaks and not worth getting upset over. The fad is dying and they're lashing out because they're scared. Fuck 'em.

I think the main thing that will peak people is seeing how easy it is to be accused of being a “terf” and then harassed for it. Like with myself…all it took was me agreeing with an essay about gay erasure in the good omens fandom, and suddenly I was being called a terf. And I was shocked by how just believing that homosexuality is real and worth telling stories about was enough to brand me as Evil. That led me to questioning more about gender ideology and eventually realising it was all a bunch of homophobic and misogynistic nonsense.

Though I want to make it clear that the writer in question (Moonyinpisces) isn’t terfing out. It looks like some private messages in a discord were leaked, and the writer’s biggest crime is being “acephobic” and basically being in what looks like a moderately mean clique. They were basically just making fun of popular headcanons, which is honestly just normal fandom friend group activity.

I don’t want people going to this writer and being all “ahhh gender critical sister you’re one of us!” Because that’s overwhelming and unnecessary right now. And also inaccurate because again, this isn’t a case of a woman sharing a gender critical viewpoint and being harassed for being a “terf”.

In my opinion, this is a case of the fandom once again showing an insane amount of hypocrisy by collectively agreeing to separate the art from the artist in the case of a serial rapist…but then throwing that out the window when a random fandom writer is a little bit mean in a private group chat.

And also hypocrisy over what headcanons are okay to make fun of. For years the fandom has been laughing at the idea of A/C being gay because “that’s a human label and they’re not human!”. But then if you make fun of the idea of them having human labels like being on the “ace-spectrum”, you’re a terrible person invalidating a totally real identity that isn’t just a desperate attempt at gaining Quirky Cool Kid Points.

In short, the reason I posted about this was because I was shocked by the hypocrisy of the fandom as a whole. Not because I’m trying to defend a fellow “terf” or something. I only make this clear because I don’t know this writer’s personal beliefs, and I don’t want to act like I do. Especially when claiming somebody holds certain beliefs could result in them being harassed and threatened.

If you want, just go read some of the writer’s fics and leave a nice comment related to the fic, not to the drama. I imagine that would be appreciated by anybody, drama or not!

[rottenbrainstuff]

Calgary fan expo 2024:

(Long post, apologies)

Survived! The last year I was at the artist alley at a fanexpo was I think…. 2019? and I can’t even remember the last year I was at the expo just as a regular attendee, and not as a vendor… must be at least ten years ago by now I think. I had a lot of thoughts yesterday.

But first of all I did want to say, like I said yesterday, Neil Newbon was I think the nicest actor that I’ve ever met at one of these, I really mean that.

The smaller-name actors are always more fun than the bigger names, partly because they tend to not have their heads stuck up their own asses like some of the bigger folks, but also just simply that their lineups are also much much smaller, so you have more time to actually chat with them. (Popular actors can be very much a “hi hello, my name is x, thank you! Bye! situation) All my best memories of getting autographs at cons have been with smaller actors and voice actors and stuff, hands down 100%.

And I’m serious, Neil was the nicest actor I’ve ever met at a con. He is so gracious and polite, humble, and honestly seems to genuinely love interacting with his fans. I had in my head my little lines I wanted to say, so I could make sure I said everything I wanted in the tiny amount of time they allow you to talk to the actor, and then he messed up my little script by wanting to have an actual little chat. We talked about my oldest daughter in Switzerland, and how expensive everything is there, and he said hello to my kids and talked to them a bit, and teased me a little. I said the thing I wanted to, which was to say congratulations for all the accolades and how important BG3 has been to the fans, and he said he appreciates that because the fans are why he does this stuff, truly. Honestly I think he would have chatted even more but I was feeling a bit overwhelmed by then and like that was my cue to leave. What a nice guy though? Dang.

His panel was great as well, British actors are always so interesting because they tend to take acting very academically and professionally, he had a great, smart answer for everything, and so polite even when there were some very nervous people having trouble articulating what they wanted to say. (He also said Larian was an amazing company to work for, and prioritizes their people and their fans over profit, which is so refreshing)

What a lovely dude. I was a fan before but I have to say I think now I’m a little in love.

(btw the one other actor I also really remember talking to and having a great chat with was Tony Todd, who was here like, a million years ago, also such a nice freaking guy, giant goddamned hands, we had a big chat about theater and community theater and stuff.)

Besides that, which was amazing, the whole thing was a bit bittersweet. I had a lot of feelings. I’ve been attending these expos almost since they first began, watching them get bigger and bigger and more exciting. A few years ago the expo chain was bought by an American company and.. the vibe has really changed since then. It’s not all negative, not at all: things feel really well organized now in terms of crowd control, which used to be um. Somewhat of a notorious issue for our expo, to put it mildly. But… the whole feeling of the show has also changed. Like one of my coworkers said, it feels kind of like just going to a big market. I miss the old announcer that used to come on, I miss the silly little extra events they had like the geek speed dating, I miss the Viking village that they used to have out in the front, just… the little things that made it feel less corporate and more like this exciting passionate convention for all the geeky things you like.

I went to the artist alley and was curious to see if I could find some of my old con buddies, people who I had got to know over the years I attended as an artist. I was kind of surprised that I couldn’t find a single one. In fact I only recognized a handful of booths as ones I had seen regularly in the past: it seems the majority are new. In addition, the artist alley seems to be about half the size it was when I was attending. I was hoping to see old friends to be able to ask them how things were going with the show recently with the new management, but I guess the fact that none of them were there kind of speaks for itself.

Again it’s a bit sad, but in a weird way it also makes me feel a bit better, somehow. I miss doing these shows, so much, and I feel so frustrated with myself that I don’t have the energy to keep up with it anymore. This really used to be the absolute hilight of my year, once upon a time. Somehow it’s a little comforting to know that I’m not the only one who couldn’t continue to do it.

It was nice to bring my younger kids, anyways. My oldest used to really enjoy attending the expos, and I’m happy I got to share that with them as well.

I’m proud of myself - due to my anxiety I was waffling quite a bit on whether or not I should even bother going, but I feel generally that I’m happy I got over that and ended up going.

[tigerbears]

THANK YOU SM FOR THE TRANS UTDR VIDEO ESP THE SEAM MENTION BC IM SEAMS NUMBER ONE FIGHTER FOR MISGENDERING THEYRE MY FAVE DR CHARACTER I always feel like that one meme of the knight shielding the princess whenever I correct ppl on their pronouns and get to show off the clip of Mr Fox himself saying it lol, also speaking of tysm for pointing out the issue of him not addressing things— bc man I love the guy but sir Please start actually saying stuff bc this fanbase is too illiterate for you to just smile and wave when it comes to the characters identities,,, esp due to it being such a huge topic of discourse, buuuuut I also don’t blame him for the being overwhelmed part, like I said I agree with like every point you made you were so eloquent through out the whole video thank you sm just aaaaugh punches wall and jumps up and down <3

Completely off topic but I wanna rant abt something for a moment (hence why I’m now sending this w anon and not my blog) but the video reminded me of something that happened to my friend in which she made a post on her UTDR related ask blog which was really simple just a “hey don’t misgender Kris/frisk/chara on my blog” and that was basically it. That was the post. BUT. She had vaguely mentioned the glitchtale and Xtale aus in the tags just bc those came to mind first as big fandom things that misgendered the kids, and SPECIFICALLY she wrote she didn’t know as much abt xtale though and that it was just as I said from the top of her head. And wouldn’t you know! The creator of xtale saw the post and took it to fucking HEART. Like made this whole personal long ass rant in a rb over this simple “hey don’t be transphobic on my own personal blog” post. And then, and I’m not joking, EVERY SINGLE comment, tag, RB, you name it, was ALL harassing her or siding w Xtales creator, the only people defending her were her mutuals, and this was a small blog to boot— this wasn’t some big huge blog going after xtale specifically— it was a small blog making a post aimed at the follower circle just offhandedly mentioning it IN THE TAGS. so this explosion just took a massive toll on her and us. Thus any time I see that au or the creator i just get the most sour feeling like Man I Hate They’re Still So Popular Despite That Shit :(((( so the fact a similar situation happened (at least based on what you described in the vid) just made me remember that was all, just like a feeling of “wow we really haven’t changed at all in like two years have we. :/“

sorry I rambled for so long lol I just got reminded of that situation and wanted an excuse to get it off my chest, again as I said I absolutely loved the video and all the points made and I love the inclusion of swatch as someone who was there for the whole they/them to he/him event :3 and again as I said as a huge seam fan ty for including them bc they’re always overlooked in the NB conversation and I just love any mention of them lol,, my favorite elderly wizard kitty plush <33333

Glad people are enjoying the pronouns essay! I worked really hard with it and I'm glad to see it's at least correcting the narrative.

Though with the X-Tale thing, that's something I'll have to look in to and fact check because I prefer not to spread rumors without evidence. (Not saying it didn't happen; just with the whole "Legends of Localization" misinformation fiasco this fandom has a habit of making s--t up, and thus I want evidence, and while I appropriate your support a little annoyed that it has some X-Tale drama attached that I'm probably to tired to factcheck. Sucks if it's true though; Apologies for any snappiness I just woke up to the success of the pronouns essay and I'm about to go look at all the YT comments.)

I don't like drama and there's a reason the pronouns essay avoided throwing any stones directly at those "guilty."

[melis-writes]

I love how you’re never rude or obnoxious or mean to your anons as I’ve always come across it in other fandoms and there’s one person that I’m thinking about right now in particular, but I just love how you encourage your fans and fans of Michael, Sonny etc. and encourage their ideas or headcanons and how you respond with your own ideas on whatever is sent

Thank you 🙏🏼

Of course!! ❤️ Honestly, we could use more kindness and love in this fandom. I joined it in 2021 and it was... a hellscape. I think many of the shittier people left it a long time ago or simply got bored and were just rampaging trolls at the time, but it was very toxic here back in those days. 👀

I remember when I was maybe ~10 chapters in Moth to Flame and posting on here that I got an ask from a sweet anon who claimed I was "the best" fic writer when it came to Michael Corleone fics. Their ask also said that I was better at writing than the other Michael Corleone fic writers. I didn't honestly react or say anything to that second half, I was just so overwhelmed (in a GOOD way) about the nature of the ask and the fact someone liked my fic SO much. Anyways, then came the hating ass anons into my inbox and the subposting on the "Michael Corleone x Reader" tag. That ask got under so many people's skin (if the shoe fits, I guess) that I was getting "you're NOT the "BEST" okay... Everyone who writes Michael Corleone x Reader is amazing". All of a sudden this hostility and toxicity began to flood into my inbox. I even got some death threats and straight up harassment. This was pretty consistent for almost an entire year.

A lot of my friends left the fandom and stopped interacting with it completely. Two of them deactivated their Tumblr accounts because of the toxic mess the fandom became. ☹️

Honestly, I never ever claimed to be "the best" or "better" than anyone, but as I stood up for myself more and more and defended my talent, people shit on me even more. I refused, and I still REFUSE to tone down my talent and "humble" myself so some insecure fic writer can feel better about themselves. It was and is not my job to baby other writers. If the projection is so hard that they feel the need to harass me online over how popular my work is getting, y'all have to touch grass and seek professional help. It was ridiculous. I was getting shit on for having talent. 💀

In reality, I'm not this evil, narcissistic fic writer who thinks I'm better than everyone. 😂 I've always encouraged my inspired fans and readers to write their own fics, provided writing help/tips, and dived deep into fun headcanons that they wanted me to sprinkle into my fics. There's already so much bad out there in fandoms, especially the misogynistic side of The Godfather fandom which is still brewing... I refuse to be a part of the negativity but I also refuse to entertain it or accept it.

Now I very much feel so grandfathered into the fandom that I'm like Vito just sitting at his desk and my beloved mutuals and followers approach me for my thoughts and fics 🥺💖

[diedeilv]

Paragraph writing when it comes to the whole ranting thing is one of my most favorite things ever. I only have one friend who does that and I feel so, so special each time. It's so comforting, and like, gentle? Warm, affectionate. It's nice.

You should rant your own personal drama on your blog. It's your blog, after all. You can do whatever you want.

My hobbies? Writing, sleeping, gaming, and reading. Black, because it's easy on the eyes, looks great, and goes with everything. I don't have a favorite animal, I like too many. I've known of your blog for about 2 weeks. Mmh, what about you?

YES I DO WANT TO FIGHT!! I'd beat your ass, I've won a lot of fights yknow. I do want to hear stories about your fights. And it's okay, I like a good challenge. You'll be bloody with broken bones before you finally admit defeat and I prefer it that way <3

SO SORRY FOR THE WAIT!! I was really busy today!

Really? I’ll definitely try and do it then if you ever vent or rant to me! Genuinely make me so happy when someone feels that way since sometimes paragraphs overwhelmed other people (which makes sense)

Aah maybe I’ll take your suggestion to mind.

Oo! What a fun list of interests! I also enjoy writing a lot, I guess I’ve always liked it since Arabic poetry was always in my life and I got inspired by it a lot. Writing in Arabic really fueled my love though. Took a while to learn how to write properly in English but I got it now! It’s a good way for me to really express all my desires and feelings. Though I do tend to get unmotivated but I’ll never get tired about writing about the people I love or writing paragraphs for my beloved. It’s like you’re pouring your heart onto the page, turning your feelings into something tangible. What about you? What made you into writing?

Are you that type of sleeper that enjoys sleeping the entire day? (Cause that’s honestly me anyways) I don’t really have much to comment on this one but sleeping together with someone for all eternity and to forget all my problems sounds amazing.

What type of games you’ve played? I’ve played a few popular games like Genshin and Roblox, a good amount of my friends and classmates like to call and play on Roblox together. I mainly play horror games on there or puzzle games, anything similar. I do enjoy small yandere games or fan made games sometimes here and there, I’m currently into the game “Life is Strange”

What type of genre do you mainly read? I love writing but I hate reading, kinda just hurts my eyes a lot.. and if I read too long my brain aches. Though I read horror, fantasy, mystery, any of the sort. I’m honestly blanking a lot on a book that interests me. I don’t read a lot so naturally I don’t know that many books (and if I did read a book then it’s probably in Arabic 😭😭)

Ah black is a classic color, easy and simple yet really beautiful. My favorite color is pink, there’s not much of a reason for it but I find really pretty and I’ve loved it for my entire life since I was a little kid.

Oh? So what are those collection of animals you love? I love owls, there’s something so serene yet mysterious about them. Also just love big eyed animals since they’re cute asf. Though honestly their eyes can get scary sometimes but still really interested in them.

2 weeks.. aah I struggle to remember what I was writing about 2 weeks ago. Were you one of those blogs liking literally all my posts? It would make sense if you were.. do you think I know your blog? Have I liked/reblogged your posts before?

I’ll edit this part for now since I have no time to say my stories. OKAY CONFIDENT ASS IM GOING TO THROW HANDS LETS FIGHT!! Tell me about your fights if you’re comfortable! I’ve also won a good amount of fights..hmm seems tough. Really? I want to see you first bloody and broken and on your knees before me. We’ll just have to see

[dykesynthezoid]

hi!! 🥤🔪🍬🍄 for the writer's ask game?

Ah ty!! Sorry this took me a few days lol. Finals are over at last

🥤-> recommend an author or fanfic you love

… is it cheating if I say you, lol? I still want to catch up on the ds9 stuff you’ve been writing. I also am always going 👁️ 👁️ at @landslided ’s lesbian lawrusso fic bc the Gender Issues of getting to see Daniel and Johnny as butch adult women who do karate is so Juicy

🔪-> what's the weirdest topic you researched for a writing project?

What haven’t I researched tbh. Like it’s concerning how far down some rabbit holes I can get. There is no such thing as “too niche.” I found evidence of men’s ponytails in 12th century Norman illuminated manuscripts. That’s for sure. That happened

🍬 -> post an unpopular opinion about a popular fandom character

I’m trying to think of opinions I might have that are actually unpopular… Oh, I think people were shitty about Amanda getting frustrated with Daniel in season 5 (and also, by extension every time she’s gotten frustrated with him). Idk you can yell “she should’ve trusted him!!!” all you want but like. She’s just a human being who’s been deeply overwhelmed by karate bullshit she didn’t ask for for two years now.

And it’s tough bc people are often also stupid about acknowledging that Daniel is Traumatized. And it’s bc of that trauma that the Terry stuff came so far out of left field. It’s bc of that trauma that Daniel almost physically couldn’t figure out how to open up to her about it. But like also… how is Amanda supposed to trust someone who can’t even communicate with her? Of course she feels destabilized.

And yeah, the reason Daniel can’t communicate is again, the trauma. And like, god, have I been there. But just because it’s not his fault he’s struggling to communicate doesn’t mean it’s not going to impact the people around him. Quite the contrary, I’d argue.

But yeah, a lot of people reacted to that with an attitude that was like… Amanda owed Daniel complete and total allegiance, owed him her complete and total support without question, just because ~he’s her husband~ or whatever. Like the fact that he’s having a bad time somehow means she can’t react like a human being; she has to be a wife first, before anything else. Definitely not a novel concept, unfortunately.

🍄 -> share a head canon for one of your favourite ships or pairings

Idk if this counts as a headcanon but if we don’t get Sam and Tory doing the balance wheel in season 6 I might actually kill one of the showrunners

[hannahssimblr]

After doing that 'top posts of 2023' or w/e post from yesterday I was asking myself what my absolute favorite moment was from Lucky Girl

I can usually tell by looking at the stats what are the most popular chapters (the ones with sex - nobody is surprised that y'all are coming back to re-read those 2/3 times each lmao I see you) and this one is up there.

I was so happy with it when it was completed, because I thought it caught Evie and Jude at their best and most themselves in the whole thing - those moments where she's worried about asking him for what she wants for fear that he'll get too excited and intense, and him trying to hold himself back for fear of overwhelming her. Both knowing each other well enough by now, while doing this silly little dance around each other instead of just admitting what they want. - They're still doing this in the epilogue. They've learned to be indirect with one another in their relationship and they know that they'll always have to do this little dance with one another to make things work.

Anyway, you've guessed it, it's 3.16 - the Arcade chapter <3

“Good game, Evie.” He concedes, after a long, anguished pause. “But I’m not playing against you again.”

“Good. I absolutely hate your play style, and you’re a sore winner.”

“From now on we should only team up”

“I agree, we’d be horrible and unstoppable.”

“Do you still fancy me after witnessing me at my worst and most toxic?”

I grin. “If that’s you at your most toxic then I think I fancy you more, actually.” I push past him towards an old jukebox by the wall. “Which probably says something about me, I don’t know. Maybe I should be psychologically assessed.”

“For liking bad boys?”

I snicker. “You think you’re a bad boy?”

“I think that you think I’m a bad boy.”

“No, I think you’re very sweet and kind and quite soft, actually.” I dig around in my pocket for a spare coin or two. “Sorry.”

He leans against the wall next to me like a quarterback against some cheerleader’s locker in a high school film, and it shouldn’t make me feel girlish and shy, but it does. My whole body tingles even though he’s not even touching against me. “Is that really what you think?”

“Are you flattered or insulted?”

“Well I’m flattered. I think that about you too, coincidentally.” 

“Pick a song.” I tell him. “Let’s see if this thing even works.”

“Give me the old classic, Surfin’ in the UK.”

“What?” I chuckle. “I think you’ve got that wrong.”

“No, look.” He points to the song selection at the front and I run my eyes down the most egregious list of knock off hits I’ve ever seen. There’s Hotel Florida, Puppy Dog, Nine Days a Week, Free Tumblin’, and somewhere near the middle is Surfin’ in the UK. “This is ridiculous.” I say as I hit the button and the speakers crackle to life. “Why don’t they just get the real songs?”

“Cheap,” Jude explains, and bobs his head as though he’s enjoying the strange song that almost, almost sounds like the Beach Boys, only for its weird, tuneless melody that never quite progresses to the expected or most obvious chord. 

“My God, this is awful,” I say, and he’s already doing a silly little shuffle dance across the worn out carpet. “What are you talking about? It’s a certified banger,” He reaches out his hand to me and sings in falsetto “And all the blokes are surfin’, surfin’ in the UK.”

“Don’t make me dance to this.”

“What? Nobody is watching.” He takes my hands in his while I laugh, and he laughs too, because it’s just funny. There’s always something funny about being together, even when I know that everyone else would think we’re being stupid, but when I’m around him I always feel just a little less embarrassed of myself. The same kind of childish, light headed giggliness I get when I breathe helium from a balloon.

The arcade machines and the neon on the walls blink and flash bright colours against his skin and his sleek, glossy dark hair, and everything is noise, light and sensation. Beeps and bings and 8 bit graphics and electronic chip music, all blend discordantly with the tinny music from the jukebox, but when he holds my waist and kisses me slowly everything else fades away. 

My body surrenders to him immediately, but this is what he does to me. This is why I feel afraid of the ways that I feel, because with him, as with nobody else, I feel like I can understand better why people do insane things for sex. How a person can just forget where they are and do it wildly and indiscriminately in cars or public bathrooms or in other kinds of places that used to make me feel confused and disgusted. I always knew, as I know right now, that it wouldn’t take much convincing on his part to get me out of my jeans. 

Lucky Girl, 3.16

[xoxoloveme]

3DOLXROE CHALLENGE

So as a first post I’m going to start the 3DOL x ROE challenge

I started seeing about this in a subliminal video on youtube and i thought why not.

Manifestations:

//Basically the things i want

1. Get 48/50 in english exam

2. Get 50/50 in maths, physics, sts and computer science.

3. Lose love handles fully

4. Clear glass skin

5. Better self control

6. Study machine //can study for 12 hours straight

7. Have excellent concentration

8. Function on 3 hours of sleep

9. Get popular at school

10. Get a job that pays at least 3000 rs per month

11. Having a small waist

12. Longer hair butt length 

13.Get the boy I like,but is emotionally unavailable, to like me back.

14.Learn Java properly

15.Get 50 followers on tumblr.

Routine:

~wake up in the morning and spend 15 minutes meditating on this.

~drink 2 litres of water during the 3 days

~detach from reality. //my life is great and i will always achieve what i want

~journal if my feelings get overwhelming

~subliminals //i’ll make one playlist soon

Affirmations:

🔗I am the master of my own destiny. I can change anything and everything about myself.

🔗I have intense knowledge and concentration that i can use anytime i want to

🔗My life is in my hands now

🔗Regardless of everything i always have my desires