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dutifullybitchypeach · 4 years ago

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My two cents worth for the first six chapters and some reasoning around IC and Nesta. All my own personal opinion. Read if you want but it's just my general thoughts. Please, please don't flip if you disagree. I love Nesta and the darkness she is in right now and her behaviour is taking over this sassy no nonsense Queen and it needs to change.

THIS INCLUDES SPOILERS.

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Is the House of Wind a prison...technically no. Nesta just does not have the ability to fly or winnow. And no one is on standby to be her taxi. She can leave by walking. Amren threw her that challenge on purpose. She's not alone, Az and Cassian live there. And the Priestesses. Yes it has dark memories. Yes. I know that and I take it on board.

On a side note, it's irritating to hear 'I'm not your prisoner" from Nesta (who I like!!!!) I think of Azriel, Feyre, all the Fae Under the Mountain, even Elide 💗. Then again everyone's idea of prison is different. But the fact remains. She CAN leave. It's just bollocks hard. For a reason

But we know it's what she needs. We know that. We don't have to like it. Not one likes the reality. The ultimatum is uncomfortable and harsh. Our way or fuck off. They are not suggesting manual labour or degrading her. They suggest training, food, working in a library, purpose, being part of something. This doesn't sound bad to me. It just sucks it comeing across as an order. But this is Nesta's POV and she doesn't do requests or pretty please. The fact I got riled up reading it is a compliment to Mass. I had to take a major step back and reassess. Nesta sees everything as an attack. And no that is not her fault. Stay with me! I agree people enjoy provoking Nesta ( Rhys, Morrigan, Cassian) and then get affronted when she bites back. At some point I'd enjoy her retaliation akin to her ripping their head off :) And their vow to never go there again.

The IC 'review' is what annoys me. The "we" will decide where you go from here if you play ball. My hope 🤞 is that Nesta will TELL THEM where she will go/what she will do with sass. But right now sitting on a rock instead of trying to train is fucking juvenile (Again I stress I like Nesta). She hates her power as far as I can tell. But she is so low she can't see the wood from the trees. Or the hand that is been given to her.

Does Feyre have a right to be embarrassed. Yes. I'd die of shame if my sister (I have 3 btw) kept at that again and again and again all on my families dime. Without even being polite or respectful to anyone. She's only ever provided for Nesta. Period. Not to mention being a high lady with all the responsibilities that entails. Living her own life (well earned) and well life in general! I mean Jesus, Nesta is not her only priority. She maybe ours lol! But Feyre has 101 things going on. Give her credit. She tried with Nesta several times. Gave her space and time which Nesta wanted while still making the effort to reach out. Nesta needs to acknowledge that. Feyre was bankrolling her self destructive lifestyle and it had to stop.

The whole "your behaviour reflects badly on us". Well yes it does. Nesta doesn't get a free pass. The whole of Pyrithian is rebuilding and our girl is pissing away money. That's not even hers! Her behaviour does undermine the Court, folks must eye roll when IC lay down the law when your sister/ sister in law is prancing around being a with a big fuck you. Everyone is broken and rebuilding. And it's a slap in the face. Is the saving face irrelevant to Nestas issues, yes! But is Feyre allowed to feel fucked over, yes! Sisters say shit when they fight. Arguments are not flawless debates. Their emotive and bring out the worst in people. Feyre darling is feeling the pressure of being high lady and it came out all wrong. Especially when it's your sister acting up.

And Nesta never tried (as far as Feyre can tell) WE know Nesta IS trying, and surviving every day is a battle. But Feyre doesn't. Why would she. Nesta doesn't speak to her. But their relationship is so toxic that it's beyond Feyre to get it. And that is not her fault. NO ONE is perfect. There is only so much responsibility Feyre can CONTINUALLY take.

Rhys being there. I have a feeling that a male will not let his pregnant mate anywhere near someone he is afraid of. It's instinctive. Someone who hasn't trained to control their powers especially. He is on High Lord mode cause guess what he is a High Lord. This is his court and the people in it his responsibility. Not to mention the oncoming drama with the queens on the horizon and general court bullshit. Does he abuse his position of power.... well in this world the HL have the power. Everyone is answerable to one. Even Amren obeys the rules. Nesta doesn't/won't recognize that. Which is rare. They tricked and lied to get her "consent" surprise surprise a dick move from Rhysand/Feyre. We know they will do that for the "greater good". Lie, steal etc all in the name of saving the day. He screwed Morrigan over in front of her ass Father for flip sake! My point is the NC stability is his priority now more than ever if impending fatherhood is on the way. It's no surprise he wants Cassian to take on more responsibility. Nesta is a liability cause she is AWOL. It's worth noting he had this plan for months but Feyre refused preferring to give Nesta space and the opportunity to decide for herself what she wanted. So we could assume if Rhys had his way Amren and Nesta would have still been friends and it would have been far different. Amren would have been by her side. Do I condone his domineering behaviour, no not in a million years. And neither did Feyre. Will he apologise? Probably not he's an arrogant ass. And wanted to control the room. Fact. He wants/needs Nesta on board the team to bolster his ranks. She is that powerful. We KNOW he will do anything to protect his family (baby on the way).

Morrigan and her nasty comment on sending Nesta to The Court of Nightmares. Cassian acknowledges it's an insult but also the truth. That's a harsh fact on how Nesta is percieved right now. But I believe she wouldn't just thrive there, she would CONQUER ;) I don't know if Morrigan is referring to the people that abused her or the "type" of people that live in Hewn City...? Will we give HER the benefit of the doubt... hmmm.

Morrigan and that comment on good people giving Nesta the benefit of the doubt...that's Morrigans issue. She never gave Eris the benefit of the doubt and yet he proved her wrong with Keir. She's all over the place as a result . And she's been lying for 5 centuries. To her family. Cassian said he values the raw honesty that he has with Morrigan. Wow is he going to get a shock some day. Nesta may be a bitch but at least she's an honest one. And Morrigan knows it which must rattle her to no end. Point is Mor isn't supposed to be in this story very much and Nesta never really cared for her opinion anyway. So neither should we. I've checked out of Mor. Knowing she won't give Azriel closure or honesty just makes me not consider her opinion. It suits her to keep Nesta down in the gutter so her lie can continue.

Amren - her behaviour. I have to remind myself Amren is OLD, a stint in the Dungeon is probably a standard response! Her idea after the Summer Court fiasco and the jewels was to go there and crush them. Amren is by nature harsh. Which is why she gets on with Nesta the most. Cassian tells us she cares. Nesta can't see this. Her comment on Nestas sex life in ACOFAS. People ran with that. Fae lifestyles always kind of disgusted her. She wasn't Fae so bodily functions were an alien concept. Now she's Fae she's slightly horrified. Also no one else has much to say on Nesta's bedroom antics. Cause it's a non issue Mass doesn't do slut shaming. So neither should we. Speaking as a woman also here.

Elaine - we know Elaine craves peace and quiet. Confrontation is not her thing. Being there would mean Nesta would use her as a crutch, and I'm not sure Elaine wouldn't cave. Nesta pushed her away on purpose and Elaine choose to try and find some sort of contentment. That's her right and choice. Agree or disagree. She walked away or decided she can't deal with Nestas difficult behaviour. I don't know. Or is she oblivious to the situation ?! Who knows. Elaine is an enigma! It's the first 6 chapters! Right now they are two different people and have been drifting apart since ACOWR. Nesta is a dichotomy of pushing people away and hurt when they stop trying. It's exhausting for the people that have to deal with it. Who are not perfect and have their own issues and lives. Elaine has stepped back from this situation. Because either she recognizes it needs to happen or cannot sway the majority. Though I think Elaine did say something to Feyre, cause when Nesta pressed her she refused to say what Elaine thought. Just that she wasn't there and not part of the issue. Feyre is high handed when it comes to her sisters. Because that's the role they allowed her. Nesta is fighting back. And Feyre takes it personally. Which is only natural. They're sisters.

Cassian! Ah Cassian. He was spectacularly rejected and being around Nesta is a constant reminder. That's enough to make me cringe in a corner. He acknowledges he stayed away cause it hurt too much. He's a soldier and has serious self discipline. He has no idea how his behaviour/comments hurt her until she confronts him. Deliver him a few home truths. Another well deserved kick in the balls. Flirting with Mor, not sure his behaviour there has ever changed. He keeps it normal cause being around Nesta gives him the shakes!! Lol. He is slack jawed after Nesta and wants her badly, passion we know is big thing for them. It ignites them. Raw and real. Recognising Morrigan is aesthetically beautiful is just a fact. We know she's a looker. So what. Meh to this issue some people have.

We know from spoilers they start training and communicating and Mass is a Nessain ship so I'm excited to see this grow and flourish! I've read spoilers here on these two so I've no qualms.

Cassian for me is right. He and others have been through similar situations before so can empathise. But until she answers him back without snapping he won't be able to be that shoulder to lean on or turn too. He's not going to be her Prince though. Nesta is her own Queen!

I've read some spoilers on her friendships and I'm so happy. I've no idea how it will go but it says to me that the IC have a block when it comes to Nesta and don't see her the way others do and Nesta opens up to people who don't have a predisposed prejudice.

Also the IC have no idea how Nesta is going to react at any stage. It's like walking around on eggshells. Why would anyone actively choose to be around someone like that. That and very obvious fact they are BUSY AF. They don't have time to have a daily bollicking from Nesta. Yet all fall in when the plan is announced. Make what you will of that.

Some further musings:

Nesta being reminded she has to be respectful to Clotho and the priestesses is sobering. Like wow, people can't trust you will have basic manners. Again I know this is Feyre saying it but Christ to worry about that. Will be interesting with Gwyn and that friendship and a nice reality check for the IC.

I spent 4 God damn books understanding Rhys motives. He's a prick yes. Which I enjoy. But the bastard people are making him out to be I don't agree. Half of Pyrethian hates/hated him, Nesta hating him won't stress him. Or her for that matter. They have a 2 people they both care about in common and will just have to deal.

Training in Illyria, well Nesta is powerful, training in the mountains is probably damage control if she explodes. And a change of scenery from her prison!

Rhys was controlled for 50 years, Amren escaped worlds to be free. I don't believe they want to control Nesta.

Families are messy and fucked up. The intervention is a perfect example of how arseways it can get.

Azriel being Azriel I'm not sure about anything with him right now. I've read the snippets and spoilers and I'm all over the place. He is one of my favourites. FYI when I say IC I never mean Azriel I don't know why but I always imagine he finds it just plain drama and avoids it at all costs. Nesta is drinking and gambling away her life. Okay! Nesta is now training and we are all on board to help. Okay! Nesta is a powerful Queen and we are all afraid. Okay! Nesta has turned Cassian into a drooling mess and hes ass is hers. Excellent ;)

Sisters! They need to deal and respect each others independence. They are all in the wrong. It's just annoying at this stage. Personally I'll rip into my sisters when I need to but usually get a red mist when anyone else does. Even if they are in the wrong. I have a habit of always defending them.

So overall the angst killed me in the first 6 chapters. Did Rhys dominant shite irritate me? Yes. Do I want Nesta to make it clear she's not a pawn in his/their world? Yes. In spectacular fashion please.

Did Feyre handle it well? No. Does she ever deal with Nesta well? No. Perhaps only when Nesta is more inclined to talk. Which is rare. The ultimatum we know from Cassian sickened Feyre she recognizes it for what it is it but really cannot see any other option. Her fault or a combination of factors you decide. It was hyper tense situation we all just wanted to get through.

Would we be so angry if this was a soft approach headed by Elaine/Feyre/Amren? Would Nesta even react?

Cassian compared Nesta to a sleeping dragon who has just been woken up. Nesta needed a kick in teeth. A major reality check. Life in Pyrethian is hard. This a fae world. She is angry and incensed they have dared to 'interfere' and 'assume' she will be controlled. I want her to tackle her demons, confront her fears her issues with herself and others and live! Live! I've no idea what she wants and can't wait to find out.

***I've read some spoilers on the end. The rumours and the actual basic plot ending. I'm like Mass I love a HEA. And am hopeful I'll be satisfied. I had a similar theory when I heard the pregnancy rumour. A move by Nesta that would never have anyone doubt her.

#acosf spoilers #a court of silver flames #acofs #nessian #nesta archeron #nesta and azriel brotp

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lorencourtier · 5 years ago

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Look! It’s [ LOREN COURTIÈR ]. They have been living in [ NORTH ] Kingsboro for [ 20 YEARS ]. They say the [ 23 ] year old can be [ ERRATIC ] but also [ COY ], but I just think [ HE ] looks a lot like [ TIMOTHÈE CHALAMET ]

Loren Alexandré Courtiér was born in Chamonix, France

He was born October 13th to his parents Oliver and Liliana Courtiér.

After Loren’s parents were married they moved him and his older sister Elodie to Kingsboro, New York to try and have a normal life for their childeren. But, unfortunately when Elodie was 10 and Loren was 8, their mother Liliana and father Oliver got a divorce and both remarried. Loren decided to stay with his father who is a famous actor in Kingsboro. His father ended up marrying Tamara Easton who is also a famous actress. She couldn't stand Loren and thought he was a nuisance. His sister Elodie ended up going with her mother who moved to Long Island and also got remarried to Oscar Tantry. Giving him two younger step siblings 18 year old Brenden and 16 year old Dahlia.

Loren has always been a bit of a handful . Being in and out of detention and school suspensions all throughout high school. He always ended up following in with the wrong crowds and even ended up trying drugs and experimenting with sex when he was just 13. Oliver and Tamara tried everything they could think of to straighten him out. They even tried sending him to an all boys catholic private school. Needless to say, this choice only made Loren act out even more. He never understood why his parents would want him to “pray the gay away” or tell him he was wrong for being who he was. He always looked up to his older sister Elodie, she was his rock. Even with going to a juvenile detention home at the age of 16 for grand larceny. His sister always had his back, no questions asked. They spent a lot of time together, despite the distance between their living spaces. In fact, they tended to cause a lot of mischief together, Loren always finding himself at the center of all their bad behavior. But he loved it, he lived for the rush. Now, living on his own in North Kingsboro with sister engaged to be married. He is constantly looking for that same rush. Dabbling in drugs, random hook ups, and reckless behavior. He just has this itch that he can’t quite seem to scratch.

Things To Know About Loren.

• Loren was diagnosed with ADHD when he was 10 years old and was prescribed aderall for his condition.

• He comes from a very rich background with his father being a famous actor and his mother being a fairly well known former model and actress.

• Loren can be kind of an introvert with a soft heart. But, he is also adventurous, erratic, romantic, and creative.

• He loves all types of art and photography and aspires to become a famous actor himself one day. He also has a love for photography and music and dabbles in both from time to time.

• He is also a bit of an adrenaline junkie and craves anything that gets his blood pumping and his heart racing.

• Loren is 6′1, has green eyes, brown hair, and is roughly around 150 lbs.

• He speaks both English and French fluently. (Even though I myself have to use google translate, so bare with me lol)

• Loren is also still confused about his sexuality, due to his father and step mothers disowning. But he is basically pansexual and willing to get intimate with anyone he finds interest in.

#kingsboro.intro

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canaryatlaw · 7 years ago

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well....today was overall alright I guess, for a Monday. period days just aren’t very pleasant overall. but today was alright. I woke up to my alarm at 11 to find this morning’s situation I previously posted about (so. much. blood.), took care of that and hooked up my new period pain reliever device thing called Livia. It was on kickstarter months ago, and came a few weeks ago, so I stopped taking bc and here we are. it’s a little square thing that connects to a wire which splits in two and has an electrode attached to a gel pad on each end. you put the electrodes on your stomach (or wherever you’re having cramps) and turn it on, and increase the level until you feel a tingly feeling going on. it operates off the theory of something called TENS, basically with electric nerve stimulation or something like that (I’m a law person, not a science person). But as far as keeping cramps away it’s doing pretty good, I used it for most of the day and was good, so that was good. But yeah, I got ready, had instant mashed potatoes for breakfast because I was out of cereal and didn’t have any other substitutes, then took the bus to the train to the other train because it was in the single digits outside today (brrr). made it to school and stopped in the PAD office briefly to dump my stuff and spend a few minutes on my laptop typing up case briefs for the cases I read on Saturday (when I didn’t have my laptop with me so I hadn’t written briefs for them) because I knew, I just knew I was going to get called on, I can always tell, so I wanted to be prepared. somewhere in between all of this I checked my email and discovered a request for a second interview with the organization I interviewed with back in December and is currently my first choice job option, so I was fairly ecstatic about that. they wanted it to be in person, not over Skype, so I ended up scheduling it for the Friday directly preceding spring break, I’ll fly to NY on Thursday (skipping my Thursday night class) and do it the next day, so I was happy about all of this. I booked flights as well so that’s good to go. I made it all the way to the end of the period, even when he kept coming up with absent people and then had to pick someone else for a chain of like 5 people, and then on the last case of the day I get called on, which was fine because I was prepared, and we only had a few minutes left so I didn’t get any too difficult questions. Went back to the PAD office after that and started working on my Remedies reading for this evening. The reading assignments have always been super long (this week’s was 85 pages) but last week he basically said you don’t have to do all of it, just at least skim the cases, so instead of actually reading I read the case briefs of them off lexis and copied those into my notes, so that worked. Then I worked on the rest of my civil rights assigned reading for Wednesday so I could leave the book at school and not have to lug it back and forth again. I was really craving like, cake or something, but didn’t want to go anywhere outside because it was snowing again and still freezing, so I didn’t do anything until guy who hangs out in the office who has been growing on me came, and I mentioned it, at which point he offered to go grab it for me like I hoped he would and I said I’d buy his coffee, so I ordered the two things from the starbucks app (I got the iced lemon pound cake) and he ran down (the starbucks is across the street) and returned a minute later with them, so I was pleased with that. Class time rolled around, so I went up to class. Sort of tuned in and out for a while, still taking decent notes and keeping up with the conversation at least. Lots of talk about damages, which is to be expected being that it’s a class based on Remedies, and damages make up a huge portion of remedies for cases. So just stuff like consequential damages and liquidated damages and when they can be counted as a penalty that won’t be enforced by the court for being against public policy, and fun stuff like that. He let us out around 7:30, an hour early, because he knew some of us have long commutes (I didn’t raise my hand when he asked; mine takes about an hour but I know those who live outside the city have much longer ones) and he wanted to make sure we all got home okay with the snow, which was of course greatly appreciated. So I took the red line to the brown line, but then when I went to check when the next bus was coming to the brown line stop the next bus was 30 minutes out (they’re only ever supposed to be 20 minutes apart) and I was like oh fuck no, I’m not waiting for half a fucking hour when the remaining distance is relatively small (though would not be a pleasant walk, especially in current conditions, a bit too far for that). So I sucked it up and got an uber for the last mile or two, which got me home at a decent time at least. Got home and got some food, then turned on tonight’s episode of Supergirl, which I thought was super interesting. I loved their whole plot with Julia/Purity and that climax scene when Alex basically talks her down and gets her to fight it off, and suddenly this innocent person is back, and offers herself to save Alex (which, while very noble, sadly played right into Reign’s plan). I then loved Kara’s line at the end about saving them instead of defeating them, because I sooooo badly want that to be the solution to this season and not end up with a dead Sam and abandoned Ruby, so I really hope that’s the path they go down. but yeah, I enjoyed the episode, which is always good. after that I wound up calling my dad, which lead to a somewhat tense discussion over job options, where he was telling me he has connections with the people conducting the interviews at the DA’s office, and I told him I’d really prefer to get a job that I got on my own merit, not his, not like how my brother did, and he wasn’t happy to hear that because he was like “what have I been working my whole life for then?” and like, my dad has made a great reputation for himself. but when people see my last name I want them to think of the things I’ve done to give it meaning, not the things my dad or brother had done. If it works out like that I will take a job in the DA’s office, but I’d much prefer a position that I knew I got on my own merit, not who my father is. because I’m well-qualified, dammit, I worked my ass off to get in the top 15% of my class, working 16 hours a week in addition to being a full time student for a full year to gain the experience and training I needed to excel in the area I want to go into. I want to get offered a job because it’s something I earned, not because I was born into the right family and can get a job through nepotism. There’s a reason I decided to go to law school halfway across the country, where nobody knows my last name, and I have a blank slate where I can make a name for myself. of course, job options in Chi are not looking great right now. I emailed my former prof about a position in the PD’s office in the juvenile division, but I’d have to apply to the general office and then wait to get transferred to the juvenile division once I’d gained enough seniority (it’s relatively low on the rotation, maybe the second or third stop after things like traffic court and DV court) to get to the juvenile division. but of course that also risks the chance that I’d be assigned to the child protection division, where I would have to defend the parents in abuse and neglect proceedings, something I never intend on doing. Like, honestly, I would have no problem defending in criminal cases. I would have no problem defending someone who was guilty of murder. But I will never defend an abusive parent, because the parent’s lawyers are the only players in that system who have an objective that differs from the best interest of the child, and I never ever want to be in a position where it’s my job to argue something that is not in the best interest of a child because it’s what my client wants. So yeah, give me murderers or death row cases, I’ll happily do that defense work (my dad is a criminal defense lawyer primarily after all, so it’s not like I haven’t had plenty of exposure to it), but don’t ask me to defend an abusive parent to the detriment of their child. that I will never do. but anyway. We talked it out a bit and eventually hung up, at which point I decided to start watching Game of Thrones, which I was told to watch as much as I can this week because apparently we’re going to a GoT themed con on Saturday. I tried to get HBO Go to work through my roommate’s apple tv, but the thing is so old it doesn’t function very well and kept stalling on me to the point where it wouldn’t even play the episode i just said fuck it and paid the two bucks to get the episode off Amazon prime video. I’ve been reading Daenery’s page on the game of thrones wiki so I had some idea of what happened with her, but everything else was fairly confusing, though I think I had a pretty good grasp of what happened. Definitely not used to the nudity and the gore (so many beheadings, ick) but hopefully I’ll get better with that. I didn’t realize Sansa was so young at the beginning of the series, I definitely thought she was older. They all looked pretty damn young, and the adorable small child I was informed is named Bran Stark did a great job of being very cute. Daenery’s storyline was of course hardcore cringeworthy, getting married against her will (even if it is to Jason Momoa) after dealing with her gross asshole of a brother, and then getting legit raped on her wedding night was just pretty damn horrifying to watch. I like her character a lot though, so I’m looking forward to seeing how that goes. And yeah, when that ended I started getting ready for bed and here we are. I don’t have to do anything tomorrow until PT at 1, but I’m gonna try to get up at 11 and make a target trip beforehand to pick up a prescription and grab some groceries, because if I wait until afterwards I probably won’t have enough time to do my secured transactions reading and be done in time to watch The Flash and Black Lightning, so I’ll try to be somewhat more productive, even while still sleeping in a while. so hopefully that will go well. And yeah, that’s it for now. Goodnight my loves. Hope your Monday didn’t suck.

#daily journal #February 2018

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anarchyreign-a · 8 years ago

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Rayan’s journal, entry 4.

It’s been a couple of weeks following our trek through the desert, leading to Aquapolis. It had been a long journey, and in that time I still have learned so little of those who I confide in with my new companionship. It is with a shaky yet confident hand I write all of this, it’s been sometimes since I’ve seen Milos and Sutra. I should try to forget their names but I simply cannot. I am plagued with conflicting ideologies and what I truly want. I digress, it is all too late to go back, this much is clear to me now. I find myself trying all too hard to impress my group, my new family once again. Memories of what I’d done in Trunau flow over my mind like a blanket. A warm, unforgiving blanket that suffocates and inhibits my senses.

There is one in my group, his name is Bathezar Stone. An Ifriti, well kept and well mannered. His clothing was of impressive quality but he seems very consumed with material possession and grandeur. I cannot cast any blame, as here I am hoarding things of monetary value and keeping possessions I deem have some meaning to me. I am worried for when the time comes if he would part with those possessions, but I know I am unsure of if I will. His demeanor confuses me in a way only people of the rogue type would. Profoundly I feel a nostalgia as I watch him disarm traps, look for them, and aptly check doors. We may be only on the first floor of this emerald tower but there has been no mis-goings just yet. I find some familiarity in his craft and his demeanor. I am still confused as to why he has chosen this side, but I will not question his loyalty or ability any further. I do miss Milos, but I must forsake these feelings despite the idea of it makes my heart sink. I will try to make better friends with him, he has already given me a nickname, which provides me with some hope. I see that he confides in me and trusts me enough to grapple to me as I fly. This makes me happy.

The other is a half-orc by the name of Kathak(?). He has grey skin and is dressed in very impressive robes, I become increasingly confused by how nicely everyone is dressed. I halfway expected to be met with barbarians, savages and power hungry monsters. I now see that I am the only of this type in this group, I see. At least I am charming. Regardless Kathak rides along on a steed that is a large frilled lizard, interestingly enough it reminds me of Elsu and his... Razorbeak, was it? I do not remember. I do hope he will not shoot me in the back. I’m unsure of how much it’d hurt. What somewhat remains to irk me is his stone cold demeanor and his unreadable resolve. His everlasting silence and stoic nature. It hurt all too much to be reminded of how Sutra was. He is equally hard to read. It may be my lack of familiarity of the half-orc, but I digress that I will not try to psycho-analyze him as I feel like that would cause grim tidings and distrust. Not to explain that my mental capacity allows me to do so fluently. His attitude and demeanor aside I trust him. I have to, and my instinct tells me he’s intelligent and reserved. I will just have to get used to him. He makes me nervous but I am happy to be with him as opposed to against him. I am trying.

Last but not least is a blue-haired elf woman named Lieke. She is a Druid, which I am somewhat familiar with, but I remain confused on her demeanor. Upon first meeting her I was somewhat enthralled with her feral, untamed beauty of sorts. Her garments were nothing special which showed a more earthly love for Ymir. I have always had a soft spot for elves but not like this. My thoughts are clouded in my want for companionship, I will attribute my interest to that want for family, that craving to never be alone. This is why I write in this book. To get back on track I found her caring nature for plant life and her aloof nature to be rather charming, however since we’ve gotten here she’s taken form of a mutated Direbear. Something had happened, maybe it was because of the hostile nature of combat that she’s become this way. I believe that she tried to communicate with the plants on this tainted, drab plane and thus became corrupt somehow. Not to say I distrust her at all, but I know that look and realization of horrors unknown to all else. Something had happened to her, she has become more violent and volatile now, to everyone around her. I hope she does not cause any conflict because of this. I am unsure of my attraction now, but she is proving a reliable(?) combat companion. I hope she keeps herself in check, as I remember when I was broken on the boat ride back to Trunau after the trek to the fortress. I know the look of realizing a lie was omnipresent in your life and to find the truth. Memories of Gorum’s thorn came flooding back, as did some tears. She is beautiful, feral, confusing. I find myself enthralled in a way I hadn’t felt before. Maybe it was because I always felt Sutra and Milos were the power couple, I almost feel like a juvenile now. Forming feelings for strangers, how stupid. I am not beautiful, I find difficulty in basic things like controlling my lust. I need to crush this feeling and any hopes. Not even my future is concrete, I hate this.

These people are my family now. I cannot properly comprehend on how to get along, or how to impress. I am trying far too hard as I’ve stated above. Am I to be serious? Joking? I am not alone, but I am scared. I just need to let instinct guide me, but how can I trust it when it’s betrayed me in the past? I lay in a secluded corner of the goblinized barracks, sobbing. I will get over it, I hope they do not hear me. I am not weak, I am just... Emotional. Maybe I can use this to my advantage. I am unsure, but now it is time to rest, maybe I can cease this flowing of useless tears. I am nervous, I am scared, but just as when I left my tribe, I cannot go back. I hope Ymir is proud of me, nobody else would be.

-- Emerald tower, floor 1~2, Signed Kalarah DottirSiegfriede.

#;Journal #Verse;Pathfinder #idk i had to write it out so I could get her feelings out

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violetemerald · 8 years ago

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Kissing Aversion, but Demi-Sensual About Other Touch

This is my entry for the May 2017 Carnival of Aces, which I hosted and chose to theme around "Kissing, Hand Holding, Bed Sharing, etc!". The call for submissions is here. I'm sorry this post is so long. I'm sort of overflowing with thoughts. Also this was written in one sitting late at night so please feel free to point out errors. This has been cross-posted to my WordPress blog.

I don't feel like I need touch in my life much at all, most of the time.

That being said, I have the ability to really like it. In a kinda demi-sensual kind of way, if that's a thing. (I'm 100% asexual, no grayness there, no sexual attraction, but if I have a lot of trust-feelings for you, like a LOT of positive feelings about our relationship, then there is a pretty good chance I'll like touch.)

I am comfortable but fairly neutral with touch when it comes to me and small children. (They can still cross boundaries that make me uncomfortable, such as making me take off my glasses and then I feel overly vulnerable, which kind of happened to me a week and a half ago with a 3 year old in my extended family lol.) I don't crave touch from small children - I crave other types of attention from children, I want to make them happy, I love the emotional reaction they can have to me at times, but I'm not overly touchy feely unless they initiate it. I am much more comfortable holding babies than holding any animal though.

With people who are peers though, fellow young adults, or from older family members... I can have positive associations with touch!

I have such a visceral aversion to hugs from strangers, and even with friends and family I'm not necessarily skilled at hugging because I so rarely practice the act so people think I'm uncomfortable sometimes when I'm actually not really, but my touch-aversion is quite selective and if I like a person a lot, hugging them can be the one type of touch I find myself actually yearning for, fantasizing about briefly even, or something I relish for the moment it's happening.

It's not a romantic thing for me, no kind of touch is, not really. When I say I like a person a lot, I mean "like" in the broadest sense. They could be friends, family, romantic partner, whatever.

The only things that "Feel romantic" to me tend to be language-related, or broad traditions around times like Valentine's day, lovey-dovey sappiness, using words like "girlfriend" or "boyfriend"... idk.

Weirdly, I conceptualized intimacy really strongly in my head as a not necessarily romantic thing really early on, and a lot of types of things can feel somewhat "intimate" to me, can make me feel really bonded more than ever with people. Most often it's conversation related, not necessarily "sharing secrets" but sharing really personal stories with the intention of building on the relationship with more of those types of conversations later on down the line. I only feel like I "love" someone - an aunt or uncle or cousin, a friend, etc - if I have a pretty high degree of intimacy with them.

Certain kinds of touch feel really intimate to me too. The first guy I ever tried dating, at the end of our (wonderfully emotionally intimate, conversation-heavy) first date, kissed my cheek. It felt so intimate, I felt like a flutter through my body and a rush of... something in my chest, a blush. I'd been on OkCupid for months and after messaging back and forth with him decided I was ready for my first date ever, and it was such a success. I mainly just did things I'd do with new friends, except I didn't have any experiences yet, post college, as an adult making new friends. I just did whatever felt natural and comfortable to try to get to know him better and get him to know me better and it felt like everything was going right.

On our second date, all touch didn't feel intimate at all. It felt bad. Uncomfortable. Forced. This same guy I felt SO intimate with did thing after thing to ruin my positive feelings for him. He betrayed me in multiple ways - being VERY late for the date, forcing me to walk way more than I physically was able and causing me extreme pain and exhaustion, implying he knew the restaurant we were going to was good from his personal experience and then it turning out he'd never been there, not being flexible and being willing to see ANY other movie when the one he wanted to see was sold out so instead making me stand (still in pain) for a long time while he looked up on his phone other theaters and called to see if the movie wasn't sold out. And then on top of this disastrous date he touched me repeatedly. A lot of that walking was holding hands, and it was I think all about walking around the city with PDA and I hated that. Publicly declaring "we're a couple" in a physical way probably is never gonna be a thing I'm comfortable with, and it didn't feel natural, it was beyond awkward, and it was sweaty, and my hand started to cramp. Plus it felt really juvenile since despite this being my first foray into romance, I was already 22 years old.

And then he kissed me. At the end of that entire night, he started making out with me (I don't really like the term French kissing but yes, that, with tongue) in public on a sidewalk at night. There weren't that many people around. It being in public was oddly extremely low on my list of things that made that uncomfortable. Who cares what other people around might be thinking when I was a wreck, had literally just slept through most of a movie in a theater because I was so exhausted, and had no idea how to kiss, and I didn't know what he was thinking, and didn't know what I was thinking about the kiss yet either. One of us asked to "try again" after we pulled away and walked a few more paces of sidewalk. I knew I must be kissing wrong, this was... not pleasurable and beyond awkward. He asked if this was my first time ever kissing anyone and was shocked when I admitted it was, and I was frustrated because he should've known that already if he'd paid close attention to my dating profile. But I was mainly mortified.

I had completely repressed any inkling that I might be asexual until that night. I had probably first come across asexuality years earlier. I also had only a few months prior binge watched the entire series of House M.D. and took the ace-erasure episode in stride without even thinking anything of it lol. But after THAT KISS, the fact that asexuality existed came immediately back to my mind, and I couldn't really shake it, however hard my internalized anti-ace sentiments tried to push it away. I really felt sure that this kiss felt exactly how fictional media had shown me "kissing the wrong gender" felt for monosexual (gay or straight) folks, or like kissing a sibling even, someone with whom you had no attraction. I was jump-started into questioning my entire sexuality that night, and I couldn't help myself from crying on the metro in public on the ride home.

I researched how to kiss.

http://www.wikihow.com/Kiss-a-Boy and http://www.wikihow.com/French-Kiss were literally web pages I visited.

I asked my brother what kissing felt like the first time and if it got better. I went on a third date with the guy where we had a time crunch and he brought me back to his apartment after dinner in a restaurant. He wanted me to take off my shoes and the literal moment I finished, while I was standing in what I felt was a really awkward position near our shoes, he leaned in to try to kiss me for the first time since our second date. I wanted to give kissing him another chance but not like that. He wanted to kiss me while we were watching a movie sitting on separate chairs because he didn't have a couch, too. And he also wanted me to definitely follow the plot. I said unless we paused the movie I was going to miss the plot, come on now. But we didn't have time to finish the movie if we paused it, I was on a deadline to get back to the metro before it closed for the night lol. So I never ended up kissing this guy again.

But almost a full year later, the third guy I tried dating, I kissed a lot. Always in private. Always in much more comfortable positions. We cuddled a lot too which was moderately pleasant but it wasn't as intimate for me as it was for him, and for him it often was psuedo-sexual and super-romantic, both things that made me really uncomfortable. This guy was my first boyfriend, I got past just dates and into relationship status with him. He held my hand in private while we were cuddling too. Cuddling... it felt frustratingly stifling some of the time, but it was so much better than kissing, and I might not have been quite identifying as asexual yet but I was HEAVILY questioning throughout our whole relationship and researching asexuality like every single day and I... I knew I was somewhere on the asexual spectrum from our second date when we tried kissing. I felt guilty for being asexual, for not liking kissing when he did like it, for always pulling away and kinda hating kissing actually, etc etc... so I think cuddling with him was an unspoken compromise I was doing, rather than anything I really wanted.

Honestly though, being that close to him was... maybe something I was indifferent to, because I wasn't that emotionally intimate with him, so I didn't have the necessary prerequisite to really want it. Kasey Weird mentioned in their submission for this carnival,

the best cuddling very much is a non-verbal dialogue of sorts: it’s active, and responsive to each other.

and I had an epiphany reading that that yes, yes it is, that's what I was lacking back in 2013 when I did this cuddling with my boyfriend, that's what I actually like about snuggling up against my dad or my brother when we're watching TV and it's cold and we're tired, on rare occasions, that we do it in some kind of "sync" with one another, and it's less all-consuming of my body or theirs, and it's something I basically have never really gotten a chance to try with someone I feel entirely safe with since being an adult and it becoming a lot less socially "appropriate" to do it with family. I didn't feel 100% safe with my boyfriend in 2013, because I knew all along he desired me sexually, and I have always been sex-averse even if I didn't know it. Being the cause of arousal and the star of fantasies felt kind of like a violation of sorts, and in some ways just existing around him made me feel guilty. I think he was a great person and I was remarkably safe with him, he was letting me call the shots, he was understanding about my asexuality, he was patient and passive in many ways, but even so, I didn't end up getting a chance to explore very much at all in terms of romantic actions or sensual/physical things with him. Our cuddling was kind of boring and not really my style. Same with our hand-holding. I decided I never want to hold hands "just to hold hands" ever again after that relationship, just like I decided cuddling really wasn't all that it was cracked up to be, and I was definitely not going to be having sex or kissing more people.

Rachel mentioned in the guest post submission this month:

But knowing that I supposed to be feeling something positive, and getting nothing from it internally, no matter how sincerely-intended the gesture, makes touch a dissonant and hollow experience.

And it's just... SO TRUE. Like wow. That's how I was feeling. Throughout so much of my relationship with my boyfriend, and even with the first guy I dated, especially, especially, when it came to kissing, which I knew was supposed to be positive, I'd built up for a decade that kissing was... Okay so like a couple days ago I saw this "first line" generator to help you with your fiction writing endeavors going around tumblr: http://writingexercises.co.uk/firstlinegenerator.php and I kid you not, the first line I generated was:

The kiss reminded him of chemistry lessons in school, when if the right two elements were put together, they'd explode.

Now I know kissing is not always like that for allosexual people, but I think it must sometimes be, and it's not even in the realm of possible for me. My kissing aversion is 100% a part of how I experience my sexual orientation. This isn't about romance. I am asexual, and this kind of kiss described just... sounds sexual to me. Anything about "chemistry" between people feels sexual to me, unless maybe you're talking about actors having great chemistry, sometimes that can be like... people can observe squishes (which are platonic) from the first meeting of two actors or something similar.

I really really crave acknowledgement that not liking kissing at all is a part of the asexual experience for not just me but for a lot of people. I'm tired of headcanons (including my own) where "it doesn't matter" that a character is shown passionately kissing a partner or many partners because they 'could' still be asexual anyway. No I want kissing aversion to actually be shown on TV at some point. I want to read fanfiction where asexual characters aren't written as thinking kissing is amazing. I want my version of asexuality represented! Where even cuddling is complicated and fraught at times. I don't care about the characters' romantic orientations that much. I care about the aspects of the asexual experience that would resonate strongly with me, like realizing you might be asexual from the awful/hollow/confusing experience of kissing alone.

I don't necessarily want it to all be clear-cut romance-repulsion either, though! "Ew, gross, why would anyone want to kiss or say I love you or build a life with a partner" isn't really an experience that resonates with me either. I told my queerplatonic partner I love him, I felt in love with him, and I would love to one day get married, probably wearing some color that isn't white, definitely not kissing in front of family or friends or at any point in whatever relationship I end up in.

Besides, I get why people want to kiss. It feels different for them than it does for me. They like that feeling.

I know I'm not alone in how I feel about kissing.

This Reddit thread from a year ago titled

Any other Asexuals here dislike kissing?

started off with:

I've tried so hard to enjoy kissing but all it feels is wet and slobbery and overall unpleasant. Anyone else have similar feelings? I feel so alone about this.

And I hate that so many of us feel so alone about this! I've felt alone in this on-and-off since I was 22 years old. I am 27 now.

People replied to that poster with:

My mind wanders off to something else, such as dinner plans, or why we're even doing this because it's gross, etc.

A short peck is all right with me and is about the limit of intimacy to which I can go, anything more and it just gets repulsing and uncomfortable.

There was:

Can't bring myself to even try an open-mouthed kiss

and

This is part of what made me feel like something was wrong with me for so many years

and even

YES. I hate kissing

These were all different people's answers! And if you look at these 14 narratives of asexuals describing dating collected from around the internet, all of the references to kissing are negative!

They include... well... @redbeardace mentioned in his narrative

here

that:

I didn’t feel anything when I kissed her.

Anwen:

She explains: 'Holding hands is as far as I would ever take anything. For me [sex is] just revulsion, it really is. Just, ugh, no. [Cuddling] – that’s OK. Not kissing.’

Julie Sondra Decker (/ @swankivy ) was interviewed for Salon:

She wasn’t attracted to her first boyfriend but kissed him anyway “because I was expected to,” she says.

The first boy was basically an experiment, I guess, because I’d never been asked out before and I figured I’d see what it was like, but all I found out was that we didn’t have much in common and I didn’t like French kissing.

Cathy Roberts, asexual lesbian mentions:

I thought there was something wrong with me because I didn’t want to even kiss my boyfriends, let alone have sex with them.

(Unsure if she ever decided she likes kissing women. It's not mentioned there either way.)

Her quote reminds me of another issue, the relationship escalator and steps and how "okay, maybe not sex but AT LEAST KISSING" is really really expected, really early on.

I know some asexual people like kissing, especially many gray-asexual people.

But I wish more asexuals acknowledged that being asexual often can translate into not only sex-aversion, but relatedly kissing-aversion. Kissing without attraction should be understood to be "no fun".

My dad and my brother can't understand how any aces, people who don't feel sexual attraction, could possibly enjoy making out. To both of those straight men in my life kissing is pretty inherently sexual.

But then again, there's this one other touch thing that I think is linked to sexuality for a lot of folks, but it wasn't for me. At an ace meetup once, we were in a restaurant in a kinda cramped part of the floor, and I think we were all getting ready to leave and standing up. One of my (asexual, of course) friends in the group wanted to get by me to head to the restrooms and without really thinking he very gently touched the small of my back as he walked by. And it just felt so intimate, like that kiss on my cheek did years prior. And I just knew it was not a sexual feeling. I don't have sexual feelings. I'm sure of that now. I just really am a non-sexual person in every possible sense. I'm not actually like your average ace. But it was something positive, kinda like butterflies, kinda like "you're in my personal space and it's not a bad thing for once and wow, I don't actually mind this at all", and it's not like I really was craving more of it. It's just like. I was surprised that I could have that kind of reaction to that kind of touch. I was surprised I would notice to such a degree and I would feel that way.

I think maybe I can viscerally understand "electricity" at skin-to-skin contact with the right person, and I think if it's brief and a fleeting touch rather than holding on/cuddling, that's when that kind of "spark" of "oo, physical intimacy" could happen for me. I don't see it as necessarily romantic in part because I feel like it could happen for me with family members or friends who I'm really just fine being "just" friends with and all sorts of folks. (I don't see it as sexual for hopefully obvious-by-now reasons.)

I felt really validated when in this Shameless US fanfiction story which I recorded into a podfic

back in December contained these sentences:

It seemed like Mickey couldn’t keep his hands off Ian most of the time. Most of the time, it wasn’t even sexual. Mickey was always knocking shoulders with Ian when they passed in the hallway or hooking an ankle around Ian’s while they sat at the kitchen table or wrapping a gentle hand around Ian’s wrist when they were alone.

I like the idea that this kind of touch isn't sexual even for allosexual people, at least some of the time.

Almost exactly one decade ago (ah I'm getting so old lol), on a very traumatic and memorable day of my life, my mom wanted to hug me one minute, and a stressful and rushed minute or two later she was yelling instructions at her boyfriend to prevent me from escaping the house, which included her shouting that he should call 911 on me. (He didn't.) That minute prior she successfully hugged my brother, who didn't hug her back, but I could not just stand there and let her hug me.

I testified in front of a jury a year later that I refused to let her hug me, and when prompted by my dad's defense attorney clarified it was because she was abusive.

My touch aversion in most cases without a lot of trust first is likely very tied to all the physical abuse my mom inflicted on me over the years, things that didn't usually leave marks (although, yes, I had a couple scratches that drew blood on my hand or forearm, like the one that caused a middle school science teacher to ask if a cat scratched me as he handed me the bandaid I requested). But things were quite violent in many ways. My mom was a master at abusive power dynamics and using her physical presence to terrorize. She trapped me in corners by holding onto the walls around me so that she wasn't touching me at all, she pulled my hair so hard it knocked the glasses off my head repeatedly, she spit on me, she dumped a bowl of cereal on me, she ripped a beloved bracelet off my wrist, she threw the cordless landline so hard the battery compartment came apart COUNTLESS times after "speaking to" (screaming at) my dad and getting angry, and she'd yell to me to pick up the batteries and put the phone back together. Etc, etc. But like I said, it's been a decade. And I am in many ways past a lot of the complicated stuff I had to grow up with. I have had enough practice with social rituals of hugging that I first leaned in to hug Robert's dad when I saw him about 2.5 weeks ago, only the second time I'd ever met him, the first being over a year prior. I am more comfortable with myself than ever, in some ways.

(By the way, I linked to a Shameless fandom fic & podfic above, and in season 1 of that TV show, Debbie and Lip avoid hugging their toxic mother in a way that couldn't be closer to my own reaction to my mother wanting to hug me. This series has plenty of things for a person like me to latch onto... despite not really being ace-friendly...)

I don't actually feel like my touch aversion is necessarily tied to my asexuality at all, in fact, the more I think about it, and I also don't know if I'm even touch-averse anymore. I think I only feel comfortable saying I'm sex-averse and kissing-averse.

My queerplatonic partner recently broke up with me, but a few days before he did, we got to see each other for the first time since November. He'd been on a 6 month Civillian contractor deployment to Afghanistan. We got "back together" as qpp's in December, and around the end of January I started craving hugging him again, a feeling I'd only had around May last year while we were together the first time, kinda wanting brief contact with him. These feelings I shared with him this time, in January, and he said he wanted to hug me too and when we finally saw each other in May, we embraced for a brief second, and my face was in his shirt, on his chest... and it was something I wished could've lasted a few seconds longer. It felt comfortable and warm and just... nice.

I like the idea of one day having a new queerplatonic partner and getting to try touch a little more than just what I did with my last queerplatonic partner, which at our most intimate was sharing a blanket while watching a movie, being in a car together for hours, giving each other gifts, and allowing him to foot my bill when we were alone together a high percentage of the time (in part because I was unemployed and he had plenty of money in comparison... this was actually one of the most "Romantic" feeling things he did around me/for me/to me and it generally made me somewhat uncomfortable).

My fear though is that I will end up being more touch averse than I know at this current moment and really, no touch is what I want, and what if my future partner wants a lot more touching than I can comfortably provide in our relationship?? I'm really quite content without touch. If the person I end up with never wants to be hugged, never wants to touch at all, that would be fine. I was entirely ready to spend the rest of my life with Robert* and he and I didn't exactly have a relationship with any meaningful degree of touch.

I imagine a few potential futures for myself. I imagine giving up on trying to find a co-parenting partner if I have to and figuring out a way to make fostering work while single, and I imagine still making an effort to keep up a level of non-physical intimacy with friends and family as much as possible. With as many friends and family members as possible!! I imagine I won't be happy if I don't try to be a parent, but I can totally be happy without touch. And I'll be really happy I never had to compromise and you know, kiss anyone ever again. :P

Or I imagine finding a person who I do partner with, possibly a poly arrangement even, so many possibilities as yet unseen. Someone I certainly don't kiss (or have sex with). Someone who understands that my relationship with romantic orientation and romantic feelings and romantic coded actions can be complicated. Someone who I have a high degree of emotional intimacy with but who I may not touch at all, or who I may touch more than I ever imagined I would. I really just don't know.

Then again, I think I'd really really like building a family with someone who hugs me to comfort me when I'm emotionally overwhelmed. I don't think I need it, at all. But I think it would be nice. Because I haven't had the chance to have that with anyone other than aunts and uncles at my grandmother's funeral this past December (this was the trauma of their sister, my mom, being there and being herself that inspired the amazing hug stuff that made me feel engulfed in love), or back 8 years ago almost to the day when on the worst day of my life I had to be responsible for figuring out how to bail my dad out of jail, after my mom accused him of assault with his car (so assault with a deadly weapon), and he hugged me at the end of all of it. And it was kind of the most amazing feeling, like you need to have the worst day of your life before you can have the most powerfully comforting hug of your life, okay?? :P

And it'd be nice to be with a partner where I might do the same for them, if that was their style, if they were not a touch-averse person in these kinds of moments. I've never had a partner be that degree of emotionally vulnerable with me, and when my partners have been somewhat emotionally vulnerable I've never known what to do or say. But I want to get to a point where I might be able to be a comfort. Maybe physically! I know my instinct when my cousin's father died 3.5 years ago and he was 100% hysterically upset in the immediate aftermath was for me to just keep touching or trying to hug him as much as I could, it was complicated and my dad was doing this too on his other side. We were trying to get him to calm down at the same time too, I guess. Also after his eulogy for his dad, I was so proud of him. (He's 7 years younger than me btw, so that's part of the context of our relationship.) I told him I was proud of him and I hugged him, and I just... I needed the hug to convey my sympathy and love and pride through this physical touch, and I never had touched him this much before, but I already had a lot of the emotional intimacy framework, and he is not a person who's averse to touch, so this ended up being my "love language" in this kind of moment?

I found so many of the submissions this month to be thought-provoking and relateable. I wrote a ridiculously long essay here that should've been broken up into multiple blog posts and that repeats a lot of information already conveyed in previous posts on this blog, dating back to 2014. But. I'm really happy to get it all out here.

Despite my sadness (and anger, and confusion, etc) over my recent breakup, which... I will talk about more in a future blog post... the combination of last month's "Parenthood" carnival and this month's carnival has left me feeling more hopeful than I might've expected at the potential to find a partner who is truly compatible with me in all the ways, in terms of also being kissing & sex averse, of not necessarily needing a heavy cuddling life, in terms of wanting adoptive parenthood, etc!

And if nothing else, I also feel more inspired than ever to try to write some kind of fiction - okay almost definitely just fanfiction for the near future, but maybe I'll branch into original fiction if I get brave?? - that captures kissing-aversion (and sometimes complicated relationships to touch) in the characters! I really crave representation so badly that I think I need to forge a few of these kinds of things myself and I'm kind of excited to do so. I feel like I'm at a new chapter of my life, especially because of my breakup perhaps, but also just this being the year I finally am employed and... writing fiction is going to be a part of this. I know a lot of real aces out there need this. Is it weird that I'm smiling already at the potential, and the truth that the aces in my writing will hate kissing?

#Carnival of Aces #intimacy #asexuality #aromanticism #gray-romantic #aro spectrum

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haleyfury · 5 years ago

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Even though I feel like I dedicated more time to reading, given the amount of books I read, I also dived into a lot of TV this year. I’m always on the hunt for TV shows that I know I’ll likely enjoy from the get-go or will only take a few episodes to get into. With a few exceptions, the biggest theme of my TV watching in 2019 was watching shows with episodes between 20-20 minutes. I feel like I watched a lot of shows in 2018 and even earlier in the year that were hitting the near the 60 minute mark, so I think my head was just ready for some lighter and shorter episodes. As per usual, comedy also made up most of my watching.

Favorites

Derry Girls S1 & S2 (Netflix)

I’m likely going to say this about nearly every show on this list, but I love everything about Derry Girls! This show is set in 1990s Ireland and follows a group of very dysfunctional friends growing up in Derry. Only six episodes per season at 25 minutes each, I highly recommend binge-watching both seasons available on Netflix over one day—even though you’ll be on one of the worst TV show hangovers after.

Sex Education S1 (Netflix)

My friends kept telling me watch Sex Education back in March and I’m so glad they did. The premise- a socially awkward teenager provides sex guidance to his classmates inspired by his growing up with his sex psychologist of a mother- completely sold. I’m so excited for season 2 in January.

Grace and Frankie S1-S5 (Netflix)

I spent June and July absolutely obsessed with Grace and Frankie. The show had been on my radar for a while and I can’t believe I didn’t watch it sooner because it’s become one of my all-time favorite shows. Grace and Frankie is one of the few shows that is guaranteed to make me laugh out loud every episode. I recently got my best friend to watch it, and it’s been so fun re-following it along wit her. I definitely see myself rewatching a few episodes before Season 6 premieres in January.

Workin’ Moms S1-S3 (Netflix)

Workin’ Moms was the first show I dived into when I moved back home for the summer. The show follows a group of friends who are all dealing with the challenges of being working mothers while also finding themselves in a wide range of shenanigans and relationship problems. There’s definitely some mature content, aka sex, in this one that makes for a lot of funny moments. This is another gem that my best friend and I are both obsessed with. We texted non-stop when S2 dropped this summer, and we had both finished S3 during by the second weekend of the fall semester. We’re unfortunately in for the long haul when it comes to S4 being available in the US, since it airs first on CBC and then goes to Netflix US after. It’s set to air in Canada during winter 2020, which means we likely won’t have it in the US until 2021.

The Politician S1 (Netflix)

If I can only show one show on this list to have the next season immediately, I would hands-down choose The Politician S2. I loved everything about this dreamed, and it definitely reignited my celeb crush on Ben Platt. Its 40+ minute episodes had me hooked throughout each episode. It definitely has a bizarre moment or two- it truly is a blend of AHS, Glee, and American Crime Story meeting high school politics- but it works so, so well! I’ve also been listening to the music/covers from the show non-stop. I’m so happy that we only have to wait until June for S2.

The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel S3 (Prime)

Considering that I’ve only watched three episodes so far, I am cheating a bit with The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel, but how could I not love the latest season of one of my all-time favorite TV shows?? Based on what I’ve watched so far, I’m once again in love with the cinematography and how much this show gives me Gilmore Girls vibes. I’m also so interested in each other character’s development this season, and I really don’t know what to expect from Midge and Joel’s relationship.

Schitt’s Creek S1-S5 (Pop TV/Netflix)

After seeing all the Twitter hype, I watched the first few episodes of Schitt’s Creek this summer and couldn’t really get into it. It wasn’t until this October when I was in a semi-TV watching slump after The Politician that I decided to give it another shot. And I’m so happy I did because this show completely dominated my TV-watching in October and November! Schitt’s Creek is truly a show that gets better and better with each season, and the character and relationship development is done so well. This is another show that is almost guaranteed to make me laugh-out-loud at least one time per episode.

Sugar Rush S2 & Sugar Rush Christmas (Netflix)

There always has to be at least one baking show on my favorites list, with this year’s being Sugar Rush.

Last Chance U

Like baking shows, football-inspired shows have also become a trend in my TV life. Last Chance U is a docuseries following two community colleges where players dream of making it to D1 schools after experiencing myriad setbacks. My dad watched the show along with me earlier in the year, and we were able to watch S4 together this summer.

All-Time Favorite for the Year: Grace and Frankie

Honorable Mentions

Brooklyn Nine-Nine S6 (NBC)

I loved Brooklyn Nine-Nine Season 6, but I feel I didn’t LOVE it as much as some of the earlier seasons. My favorite episodes were “Honeymoon,” “Hitchcock and Scully,” and “The Golden Child.”

Selling Sunset S1 (Netflix)

I watched a lot of reality TV in high school, and although I don’t watch too much of it anymore outside two or three shows on TLC, I still have a small craving for it. Enter Selling Sunset, a reality show about women who sell high-end houses in LA. Trust me, it works, having binge-watched the entire season over the last two days of my spring break. It’s rumored that there will be a second season in February.

Outdaughtered (TLC)

My favorite TLC show (no worries, Say Yes to the Dress is right up there along with it, Outdpaughtered is my go-to reality TV show.

Girls Incarcerated S1&S2 (Netflix)

Girls Incarcerated is the more serious version of Netflix’s Jailbirds (another Netflix hit this summer that I also really enjoyed), following teenage girls in juvenile detention centers.

Catastrophe (Prime)

I watched Catastrophe back in September in between Workin’ Moms and The Politician. It definitely took me a few episodes to settle into it, but I enjoyed its off-beatness and maturity.

Friends From College S2 (Netflix)

Although I wasn’t the biggest fan of the first season, Friends From College really delivered in the plot development and humor departments. I’m actually a little sad that the show won’t be returning for a third season.

Rilakkuma and Kaoru (Netflix)

As someone who doesn’t really watch animated shows, I found myself obsessed with Rilakkuma and Kaoru back in April. This show put the biggest smile on my face and I would absolutely love a second season.

Insatiable S2 (Netflix)

The biggest guilty pleasure on this list, I enjoyed Insatiable S2 way more than the show’s first season. This show is absolutely ridiculous but always had me invested and entertained.

Big Little Lies S2 (HBO)

Although I watched it every week and enjoyed a few plot developments, I found that despite its messages and awareness, Big Little Lies S2 was unnecessary.

The Bold Type S3 (Freeform)

Another situation where I totally wasn’t in love, but I found myself tuning into The Bold Type each week. Sutton and Richard are still my faves.

The Assassination of Gianni Versace (FX/Netflix)

My sisters and I spent MLK Day weekend binge-watching The Assassination of Gianni Versacewhen it hit Netflix. As Glee fans, we were so excited to watch Darren Criss. While the middle episodes lagged for me, I totally understand the hype and praise for this show overall.

What TV shows were you obsessed with this year? Any of the above? Do you have any recommendations for me? Share in the comments!

ALMOST EVERYTHING I WATCHED: Favorite TV Shows 2019 Even though I feel like I dedicated more time to reading, given the amount of books I read, I also dived into a lot of TV this year.

#2019 Favorites #Favorite TV Shows #TV

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