#i also wanted to address the controlling aspect and loneliness but you already did that perfectly so i have nothing to add

[cervidaecorpse]

I was never big in the shipping department, so I genuinely don't have any opinion on any ship and just let people have fun (and sometimes remove myself, like in this case). But yeah, people were already shipping them. My facial expression mirrored the one of Yuhi during the reveal very well. Even if they did like to be objectified (though as you said, it doesn't really matter), this just opens up another can of worms. Under different circumstances, I would actually like to see, how this could be explored, but I'm not sure this show knows how to handle such a sensitive topic. The duel is something I have thought about too, and probably the best way to adress it, as long as it's not turned into a joke. I do hope that Bridge doesn't fail us, especially the three, since I'm also very curious of who they actually are. As it stands now, the Abysskite Girls seem to be doomed to be objectified, which is sad to see.

I don't know why I never actively thought about Fisher and Tremolo being friends before. It's very obvious and would be nice, since my perception of Fisher is - despite being silly at times - that they are a very rational and level headed voice of reason. Something Tremolo needs. Dinova and Tremolo I can see immediately. Considering the trouble both of them have gone through, it would be nice to see them bond further. Like having them take down a henchman or henchmen of a villain, or have them tackle other opponents in a similar fashion. He needs friends, even if it's just one. I want to see this happening for him.

Tremolo's and Phaser's arc as villains were wrapped up way too quickly. The sudden switch with no further explanation other than the litte we got was so out of place. I can rationalise it now with headcanons, but this is not, how this is supposed to be working. Tremolo has severe self-sacrifical tendencies toward his brother, which already made my heart bleed just watching him (alone) in the cell and being okay with that???? Saying, his brother can do whatever he wants???? I hope we can have this addressed at one point, but I wouldn't necessarily hold my breath. While Phaser does show his care, I do have to agree, that it's very one-sided, as it stands now. Granted, I can see Phaser being the type to show his care through less obvious means, rather hiding than showing it, but it would be nice to at least see that as the viewer. (Tollerating Tremolo's behaviour toward his secretaries, because he thinks it makes him happy and it's good he has some "friends"???? I'm just making assumptions, since Phaser has no stated opinion on the matter. Though I wouldn't be surprised, if his view on (outside) relationships is just as questionable. Maybe this would also go into locking Tremolo up for his own safety, because aliens were still perceived as bad by Phaser. By putting Tremolo in the cell, it would ground the lesson to not go out there by himself and possibly get hurt. But again, there is no proof.)

Dragons. Don't get me started on dragons. (Not me returning from the Hobbit 2 and the only thing I was able to say to how I liked the film was "Smaug" and then refused to watch the last because he was not in there for long.) Space Dragons... what is their history? Do they have subspecies (seems like it, since the fossil found in 42 has wings)? How are they different from each other? Powers? Looks? Habitats? Diets? Culture? Behaviour? Can they turn into humans, or humanoid shapes? Do I want to know, how the Ryugu family acquired dragon DNA, since Tremolo and Phaser still seem to be human (according to the wiki)? ...possibly. Their house is full of dragons. Did the two built it themselves or was this a remnant from their family? They seem to have heirlooms that survived the death of their parents. I need answers!!!! (Though I'm not sure, where it was stated that Space Dragons as a species come from earth...)

Honestly, whoever thinks you don't like Tremolo clearly doesn't see the effort you put into understanding his character. I think I learned something new from you. Some things I never actively considered before and now give me something to think about. Which is the reason my reply got so long, too. Sorry about that.

Most of the time I find myself drawn to the problematic characters in media. I thankfully never had the experience of going though accusations because of that. Their actions or beliefs or maybe both are very wrong, but as you said, as long as you don't defend it, all is good. I think sometimes people forget that the world is not as black and white as they would want to have it. You can like characters, even when you don't agree with them.

I feel like I need to address this kinda as I know my post may give off a vibe despite having most say how I feel but I do really like Tremolo. Like he's out right my favorite character when I spoke about a top 5 with the friend group. Now his problematic behavior doesn't phase me at all it's more the fact that I've seen some people kind of defend it or ignore it to ship him w the girls (which is sorta iffy to me plot wise but fandoms will always hop onto ships if the show teases it) besides the girl bs, Tremolo is the best to me because it's refreshing to see a character with all these faults and it's not like they're trying to hide it. It's not only the faults but more the brother complex stuff as he is willing to do anything for Phaser. It was the more kind of selflessness to the actions even if Phaser doesn't deserve it for his actions. Not towards Tremolo but the plot overall. I like Phaser too but I am upset for a lack of any punishment towards his actions thou I'm aware it's unlikely because he's gained a lot of popularity amongs jp fans and I'd like to see Space Dragon lore as im so interested in it.

[davekat-sucks]

as someone who doesn't like Eridan I am curious as to why he is your favorite character.

Part of it is his design that really stands out from most of the other characters. Eridan is quite more fashionable than Kanaya. He at least show more emphasis on him being the respective violetblood he takes pride in, while also wearing blue, another color that is related to highblood status. As well as blue being part of a violet shade. Though if you try to tell him vviolets are blue, he will damn correct you that vviolets are vviolets. Learn your damn colors! Another is a bit of his personality. He is a douche, a tool. A violetblood who takes advantage of being high privileged and will put others down beneath him, because the hemospectrum says so. He is more racist than Equius. He is the perfect example of what a troll should be and how trolls should act. Too many fantroll OCs go for the more revolutionary against Alternia or being the "nicer" troll. But no one tries to be racist to lowbloods like a rustblood or bronze. No highblood fans themselves with their money or seen to enjoy living a luxurious lifestyle. He is the OG real deal of what it is like if someone is born under Her Imperious Condescesion's ruling. The only thing that he does have a fear that even he cannot escape as a highblood, was the pailing. Basically, he needs to fuck with someone or he dies, because Eridan did not contribute to help repopulate his race. It's already bad enough sea dwellers are rare to come by and his quadrants are empty as hell. Despite being the rich kid, Eridan craves for attention, whether be red romance or black hatred. Any one of those would be able to please him, if it meant it could comfort his ease of loneliness. The way he approaches could be seen as creepy, but at least Eridan is honest about his feelings. He doesn't dance around or lie hard to those close to him. It's that same advice of being direct that he tells to Kanaya, because she will not get Vriska's attention that way. It's also why he can't kill land dwellers. He wants to have good relationships with them. It's that same relationship that shows he his a hypocrite. The dude rants about being a sea dweller and wanting to kill all land dwellers. But he never acts on it. He only commissions people to build doomsday devices, but never makes one himself. Eridan spends most of his time on land than at sea, as Feferi points out. He has an interests in wizards, but doesn't believe in magic. That's a bit of parallel of Rose's interest to write yaoi wizard fics, but she dislikes wizards themselves because of her mother's encouragement of her hobby (though Rose was over analyzing her intentions, she did not realize Mom Lalonde did care about her well being despite Sburb going to happen). The man collects various weapons, but his main strife specibus is his rifle. We don't actually know if he uses the harpoons, spears, or other weapons he has collected in his hive. It could relate to Eridan's interest in military history and wanting to be like said general figures and dictators. But we rarely see him gather some army or actually trying to lead like one. He is all glub and no bite. It's sort of interesting that he is flawed. And of course, we cannot address about his actions in Murderstuck. You can sort of sympathize with him in some way. He lost his moirail, he has no other friends left, his home planet is destroyed, and this big bad Jack Noir is going to kill them. With Alternia gone, anything like hemospectrum or highblood lowblood status, don't mean SHIT if they have to abandon it. That means, Eridan has nothing left on himself. All of this happened as he was still a TEENAGER. The poor fish was feeling hopeless and his actions were caused by his own emotions. It's different from Gamzee, who can be seen controlled by Caliborn/Lord English or was willing to follow to help for his cause. Different from Vriska, as she wants to be seen as the big hero by raising the stakes even higher than before. I sort of wished that he could have faced Gamzee in some way during that x3 showdown combo, since their aspects are complementary towards each other. It would also be

fitting he gets revenge for Dualscar's death, by killing the descendant of the Grand Highblood. He and Vriska could have worked together one last time against the clown. Part of me also jokingly thinks Eridan would try to convince Vriska to take him to Jack in order to serve him. It's sort of a question of how exactly Eridan would get Jack Noir's attention. It is never explained how, even when Feferi and Sollux agreed they have to stop him. Would he fire his wwand to make a signal beam to get Jack to fly over? Would he asks Vriska to deliver himself to the man? No one knows, but either way, his surrender out of fear could be seen as dumb and cowardly. Sucks that he got killed by end of Act 5. But probably for the best he stayed dead, so that his character wasn't ruined from Act 6 to Pesterquest. His character not doing much as a sprite was one of the worst offenses. He really could have helped Jake about his Hope powers, but every dead troll there was shafted aside. At least let FEFPETASPRITE TALK. Don't use her as a joke, just because Hussie doesn't want to do Feferi and Nepeta's quirk in one chatlog! Then there's the half assed "redemption" joke bit from Epilogues and the ridiculous gender arc by retconning Eridan's backstory and forgetting about another character's relation with his lusus. Because WhatPumpkin don't want him to be a racist, rich creep asshole. And yet, it's why I love him. Eridan is one flawed, tragic villain. Maybe I just have a weird interests in douchebags who try so hard to be liked or acknowledged of being superior by putting others down to push their own pride, but with the way that has been set for Eridan, sort of makes sense to me that he would do all these actions. It's fucked up, but I can't blame him for being put in that kind of situation. Being a kid and growing up, it's hard and nobody understands. His life was an Ugly Story.

[flying-elliska]

Shadow and Bone Season 1 Review

Ok so I got distracted by a need to watch all of Ben Barnes' filmography (lmao) but here is my review : It was really fun to watch and it was clearly made with love which is already the main thing with YA fantasy, which is often turned into a soulless moneygrab when put on screen. The actors were GREAT. I did think that the Crows suffered from being mashed up with the Shadow and Bone story, but they were still a highlight. I also think it was a bit rushed, esp. when it came to Alina's training. The costumes were beautiful, I want a kefta now. Plus the crossover fanfic interactions btw the SaB characters and the Crows were just pure joy. Also Milo, obviously <3 I'm in hyperfixation mode so here, have an essay :

The "Shadow and Bone" Characters :

- Jessie Mei Li !!!!!! She really made me like Alina so much more than in the books, she absolutely is the 'human embodiment of literal sunshine' and she was a joy to watch. Her character's arc is cliché but her acting is so expressive and endearing, I really felt for her all the way through. (maybe I'm biased bc Jessie talking about her ADHD and seeing her thrive at the same time is like!!! i love them they deserve all the best.) I like that they made Alina more proactive - even though she does make some stupid decisions... but I just don't understand people who put that down as bad writing, like ??? have you ever met a real person who only makes wise, good decisions ?? a character like that would either be at the end of their story or just in the background because that makes them static. The things with the maps in the beginning does a good job of illustrating how she is just this one girl making rash, erratic decisions out of fear and loyalty and doesn't have a sense of the bigger picture, caught in the tide of bigger events. It works for her character. When it comes to the choice of making her half-Shu, I do think it really makes sense re: her character feeling like an outsider but I do understand the criticisms that the microaggressions felt too relentless and one-note. I am really looking forward to them introducing Tamar and Tolya and hopefully connecting to them over her heritage in a more positive way.

- Mal in the books was one of the most annoying YA characters I've ever come across, so I really liked that they made him much more of a loyal, devoted friend. I found his relationship with Alina cute, it really gives us the sense that these are two orphans who found a home in each other, childhood best friends (and potential sweethearts) separated by war, two army grunts and ordinary people caught up in the wheels of power and war that usually crushes people like them, it's a great way to introduce the dynamics of their world and it's a trope that always makes me emo. It felt a bit too one note to me, though, and too heavily on the nose, like Mal's only personality was his attachment to Alina (and his resentment towards the Grisha) and too much of her emotional arc also relied on him. Them hitting us over the head with the meadow scenes felt like pure telling instead of showing and it ended up being super repetitive and kind of annoying. I am willing to like this pairing, but I wanted more scenes of them just having conversations about things and really understanding why they like each other beyond the whole childhood friends bond that we're asked to accept exists at the beginning. So I hope there's more depth there in next seasons.

- Ben Barnes!!!! Just jksdfhgkdjghdf. I'm not a big villain stan usually and I hated the Darkling in the books but DAMN his performance is just amazing. They managed to make him more sympathetic and human while at the same time making clear the stuff he does is deeply horrible. There's the Magneto-aspect of 'well clearly his methods are fucked up but he's addressing a terrible injustice nobody is doing anything about' that makes it very tempting to root for him ; and again, well, like, Ben Barnes is so hot and charismatic it feels uncomfortable (which I guess is part of the point lol). His loss of humanity is, up to a point, understandable, brought about by despair, loneliness, grief and a sense of powerlessness - living so long he starts to see other people as disposable, losing so many people he stops caring, seeing over and over how hate never seems to stop, etc. It's a logical explanation for going insane.

But the hunger for power is also very much present as a motivation and this ambiguity is there constantly. Does he maybe come to genuinely care for Alina or is it totally bullshit ? I think he does, he's just so fucked up that it comes out as possessiveness and a need to control her. He wants Alina to be his equal but he's incapable of treating her that way. It's tragic, in a sense, but the show doesn't excuse his actions either. Like his monstrosity is a product of this world full of injustice, yes, and that warrants some compassion, monsters are always a symptom of their environment in some ways and dehumanizing them completely is an excuse ; but at the same time, he sabotaged his own cause anyway the moment he started to treat other people like things, as he does with Alina, because that just perpetuates the cycle of violence and hate. At some point he started feeling like he was the only solution and he was owed power for his sacrifices, and he's using his cause as an excuse. When Alina came to him, there was a possibility for redemption, taking down the Fold, and it's a test because there is finally someone on his level of power. But instead of seeking to remedy the power imbalance between them, he made it worse, by lying to her, manipulating her, etc, and the antler collar is the ultimate sign of this.

I love those scenes towards the end (the antler-based body horror has big Hannibal vibes, so messed up). I like Alina telling him they could have had this, that she had compassion for him and his cause, that they could have worked together, and he's the one responsible for screwing it up and this time his claim that he's the misunderstood victim ("Make me your villain") appears delusional and self-serving instead of somewhat justified. The almost-lovers to enemies vibes, the sense of lost potential, and the angst of the whole 'oh you could finally have been loved by people, too bad you fucked it up !', very juicy. There is this fundamental idea that power/respect/love is not something you are owed no matter how good your intentions are or because you're strong or you have suffered or you're willing to commit horrible drastic actions, you have to keep proving you deserve it, and trying to claim power without responsibility of care turns you into a monster. The thing with the stag was an excellent metaphor of the fact that there's things you can't take, they have to be given to you, and the wonderful power there is in understanding that is what allows Alina to harness the stag amplifier's power. This is really when she escapes his grim utilitarian outlook and a different way forward and owns her own power fully on her own terms.

Anyway I hope Alina gets to beat the shit out of him at some point that would be very sexy but I'm also looking forward to see how their arcs parallel and diverge from each other as Alina starts to grapple more with the implications of her power and the harsh dilemmas of war and her own dark side. I want to see him become scared of her, and I feel it will be more visible than in the books where he just has this cold aggressive facade all the time. This one feels a lot more openly emotional which is just a lot more interesting.

- As for the other characters ; Zoya mostly made me sad. The actress has the perfect vibes but I'm not sure I love their take on her character so far, it does make sense in terms of the later books - that she has internalized prejudice regarding her mixed-race heritage, that she is jealous of Alina because of how hard she's fought to get where she is and Alina kind of takes it away from her, etc. But I would have liked to see a bit more of her being badass and sharp-tongued in a clever (even if mean) way instead of spending most of her time being rejected by men and being racist towards Alina. I did like the ending though, of her actually seeing the monstrosity of the Darkling in action and the mention of her aunt. And her brief bonding with Inej was great, just because it was badass but also maybe because it could be a part of Zoya learning to accept her Suli heritage in turn, maybe not right away but in time, when thinking of that part of herself, she won't only think of her parents' ruined marriage and all the pain it caused, but also of that badass and brave acrobat girl who went toe to toe with these really scary monsters without even having any powers and !!!!!

- Also Leigh's cameo was so cute and as an aspiring writer this is just such wish fulfillment

- I honestly think that having the Crows there actually made the S&B story better ? Not only in terms of the much needed levity breaks but also in terms of themes. For instance, Matthias and Nina's story gave us a really raw and visceral view of how the Grisha are hunted. And Inej's relationship to Alina really gave us a sense of what Alina actually means to people who believe in the Saints in a way that doesn't feel just like 'ugh those superstitious people' because we know that Inej's faith is part of what makes her who she is and a person with morals, and something that saw her through the worst moments of her life. It feels so special that she got to meet Alina and given a sign that maybe the world is not completely shitty. And Alina's kindness towards Inej really gives you a sense that she might be, or become worthy of that belief in time, or at least that she wants to, that she's figuring out her power to really touch people's lives might be a good thing, and that she's starting to accept this responsibility more fully. And her arming Inej is a nice parallel to that. I'm very emotional about this scene, because one of the first things we see of young Alina is her taking out a knife to defend Mal from the bullies, because she's protective and brave, but she's also aware the world is a shitty place, and so her giving that knife to Inej is a sort of spiritual transmission and recognition of sorts, that she trusts Inej with that fighting power, that she'll use this knife to defend herself and her loved ones and not abuse it. It's so interesting. And a counter point to the Darkling's fucked up relationship to power that Alina might at some point get afraid she'll replicate. That you could see Alina trying to gather followers and using people's admiration for her like he did but instead she sets them free and empowers them. It's great. And I feel that when Inej takes to the seas, she'll think about Alina. (I do hope somebody tells her Alina's not dead at some point though god). Girls giving each other knives is my spirituality, honestly.

- And I also noticed an interesting parallel between Kaz and the Darkling in terms of being two emo dudes who like to wear black, are prone to violence and have a thing for two very powerful women they think are special and want to have at their side, but of course, they go about it in very different ways. The Darkling comes at it from a place of power while Kaz comes from a place of utter powerlessness, first of all, and he understands why it's important to set Inej free. Him spending the entire season trying to earn enough money to pay off Inej's indenture is the opposite to the Darkling putting that collar on Alina and while I do have issues with how the show portrays him, I do love that. Love is about setting the person you love free !!!! And that confrontation scene was so powerful, when Kaz tells the Darkling Alina was tired of being a captive ! Drag him !

- As for Genya, I liked the actress and her chemistry with Alina, but I'm not sure they did a great job of making her arc very clear, for instance what it means for her to get that red kefta, her relationship with the other Grisha, etc. Her and David are already very cute though. Also very much looking forward to see where that goes.

So yeah I think they did a great job with this bit actually, I enjoyed a lot more than I think I would and even though it is a very tropey story, there's plenty of depth there too.

The Crows :

- I'm a bit more nitpicky about this because I care about these characters so much. I think overall the problem is that the SaB story in the books happens on this massive scale with enormous stakes, and that next to that the Crows' issues feel less important ; it's like their impact is distorted by the gravity of the much larger story. Like for instance, Kaz in the books is very much at the center of everything, this larger than life trickster figure who knows and controls almost everything by sheer cleverness, and he has this sense of allure and mystique that can't happen here, and so his aura just shrinks. On top of that they're not on their home turf. Being introduced to these characters before they've reached their full levels of badass is weird - there is a reason why prequels generally happen after the main stuff, because they count on the love you have for these characters at their full potential to make you interested in their story when they were less badass and interesting. So I had several moments where I was like 'oh this feels wrong'. Tbh the idea that they would even volunteer to kidnap Alina in the first place, what with Inej's backstory, feels kind of wrong, esp since they had no idea of what would happen to her if they succeeded.

- But I still enjoyed a lot of it though, especially the fact that they were this force of chaos in the midst of this bigger narrative that's a lot more self-serious. The bits with the train, or the circus acts were very clever. A lot of the best moments in the show happen when they come to disturb the other plot in unexpected ways. I'm still dead over the whole 'Alina jumps into their carriage' scene, that was fucking gold. The team up at the end !!!! Alina and Kaz making a deal ! Inej stabbing the Darkling !!!! Them stealing the Darkling's carriage !!! They don't give a shit that the story is supposed to be super dramatic it's great.

- Jesper is the one character they completely nailed from start to finish and he's probably my favorite part of the whole show. He's very funny without being reduced to the role of comic relief ; he's just so! damn! cool!!!!!!! I honestly feel this is a thing they actually did even better than in the books, or at least Six of Crows where I felt Jasper kind of disappeared behind Kaz and they insist a lot on his flaws and issues. So before we dig more into those problems I love that they gave him time to be this ultra badass who saves the day several times ; while at the same time, hinting at further developments like his powers or his gambling issues. Kit Young is just perfect, confident without being arrogant, a bit cold when it comes to crime while at the same time being so obviously caring with Inej - I loved their friendship, that was so sweet. My main criticism is that they should have made it clearer he was bi because there are already people calling him gay and that's very annoying. I know some people had a problem with his hookup and like...I can see it's a bit of a cliché...the charming badass bisexual adventurer....it's a trope I kind of love though lmao and the scene itself felt kind of cute and fun. He's not the only person who is shown to have an active sexuality and he's also not the only queer person around and we know he's going to have a more substantial romantic arc later so eh. On a larger note I loved the little casual hints of completely normalized queerness - Nadia thirsting over Zoya, Fedyor and Ivan, Poppy, etc. Having grown up with fantasy where queerness was either completely erased or very tormented and problematic, this was refreshing as hell.

- Inej and Kaz...my faves... They have a kind of relationship which feels so rare and unique in terms of what exists on TV and while I don't feel they entirely replicated it, the core is still there - the mutual respect and building of trust, the longing, the repression, the trauma, etc. One thing I really like is their arc around faith - in the books, Kaz is dismissive of Inej's faith in ways that often feel really shitty and I like that he learns to be more respectful of it. It's very much linked to hope/survival ; Inej keeps this token from her parents and she hopes to find them again ; Kaz tells her it's no use and she'll survive better if she gives up. He believes Alina is a fake, while Inej wants to believe that myths can come true and there is hope for good things in the world. Kaz comes to accept that Alina is the real deal and, out of respect for Inej's faith, to stop pursuing her. I loved the bit about Inej struggling to kill as well - it's the dilemma of what her survival and that of the people she really cares about are worth in such a shitty world - her compassion is a good part of her but so is her survival instinct, and that's the part Kaz represents - that even after she's been through hell, broken in unfathomable ways, even if she gave up all hope and faith in the world, even she becomes dangerous and ruthless to survive, she will still deserve dignity, and to be treated better. And meanwhile she is willing to break her principles, which she holds so dearly, to save him, when he's never had anyone who cared for him like that - enough to keep him alive. That bit in the church !!!!! God !!!!!! Bye !!!!!!! And then him basically calling her his own version of a Saint, that he doesn't believe in miracles but he does believe in her !!! It's very emblematic of their whole arc ; he empowers her to survive in a ruthless world and loves her at her most dangerous ; but he loves her laugh too, he finds her a ship and her parents, he honors her capacity for love and hope even when he can't share it. And she sees that he's capable of doing better, that he's worth caring for. This whole thing kills me honestly and I can't wait to see where they take this next. I'm not mad they're a bit more soft and obvious than in the books, Kaz would just have come across as an an asshole otherwise.

- That said, there are bits of how they introduced their backstories I don't like. I get that making it so Inej was still tied to the Menagerie gave them a very powerful reason to want to kidnap Alina beyond greed so that they wouldn't look like very shitty people. But in the books Inej is terrified by the idea of simply seeing Heleen or the Menagerie and the way they have her interact with her feels weirdly casual and dismissive of her trauma. Also, in the books, the fact that Kaz had to convince Per Haskell to buy Inej's contract through a lot of effort, that he wasn't the one holding that above her head either, made the power dynamics more palatable. I especially disliked the scene where Kaz says he won't free other girls because just Inej is special, it makes him look like he has the power but he's just too much of a callous asshole to do it, and that he just freed Inej because he liked her which is absolutely not what their relationship is about at the start, it's a lot more about seeing Inej's dangerous side behind a facade of powerlessness and relating to her, in a sense, and this scene made it all feel cheap.

- Also, what was that about Inej having a brother ? Not a fan of that either. I'm afraid they're going to make her story all about finding what happened to him, and that's 1) too on the nose similar to Kaz's story and 2) it kind of cheapens her own arc, a female character realizing that what was done to her was wrong, reclaiming her own power and dignity and then making sure it doesn't happen to anybody else, harnessing her personal experience to save strangers, that's so powerful - making it about a family member at first, especially if it's about revenge, it's so much more simplistic and unoriginal and the perspective really annoys me.

- Also not a fan of Per Haskell not being there because he's a very important part of Kaz's evolution, so I hope he shows up eventually - and the way they introduced Pekka Rollins was kind of like...weird and out of place. I just found the Crows' introduction scenes stilted and not as cool as they should have been - well, Jesper and Inej were very cool, but we needed to see Kaz in action first, we needed to see why he's such a menace before we see him flounder later, and I just...I don't know exactly but it didn't work for me. Also this is a very petty thing but I wasn't crazy about the Ketterdam sets, I know this is probably a budget thing but in my head it looked like this incredible mix of Amsterdam and Venice - specific locations in the book directly remind me of parts of Amsterdam I know very well - and instead what we got felt like this very generic London-ish fantasy setting....so boring. Also a lot of scenes that felt to exposition-y. I don't mind that Kaz was a bit softer than in the books, like many people have said some things work in books and don't work on a screen, and you need to make the character's inner dynamics more explicit. But I do agree that, at the same time, he should have been more ruthless towards people outside of his group. Loved that scene where he faces the Inferni though, and how well they illustrated his disability and aversion to touch.

- I don't have that much to say about Nina and Matthias ; I'm still not super sold on the whole 'haha misogyny!' thing and I dislike that so much of Matthias' change of heart relies on the fact that he finds Nina hot. But I did think that the actors had enough chemistry to make their scenes together interesting and cute ; I loved the waffle scene. Even though it's disappointing that they didn't find an actress who was more clearly plus size for Nina, I still think Danielle does a good job bringing her bold, unapologetic energy. I'm really looking forward to seeing the Crows as a whole team.

So yeah, even though the season didn't feel like a perfect, coherent whole, it was just a lot of fun and I really hope they get renewed. In particular I feel like tying the first trilogy to the Crows' story could create such interesting parallels in terms of themes, about power, the cost of survival, hope, trauma, etc etc

[alifeleadsimply]

How to feel more in control when you are a newly single mama

A few days ago, I read that a mommy whom I have been following for a while now is newly separated, waiting for their divorce to come through. She has two small kids, and although she never said it, I could see the fear and uncertainty in her eyes in every photo she posted. Yes, even in the ones where she was laughing.

This was a bit triggering for me, for a few reasons.

Firstly, I remember those first few days and weeks and months when I was forced to go at it alone. I remember the overwhelm, the anxiety. Back then, my co-parent was living across the world from us, so when I say I was doing it alone I am not exaggerating.

Secondly, the pang of loneliness hit me. In those first stages of breaking up, you feel acutely alone. Even when surrounded by people who care for you. The breakup of a marriage is much more than just the end of a relationship. You lose a bit of yourself, in some cases, you lose your entire identity. Trying to find the pieces to put back together can be a daunting task, especially when you are already exhausted trying to stay upright for your kids.

Thirdly, I remember feeling severely misunderstood. Although some statistics and stories were similar to mine, I did not care to be generalised, and neither did I like it if my marriage and the subsequent split were generalised. We were people, with unique needs and dreams and desires. From the comments to her post where she broke the news of their pending divorce, I could tell that most people only know how to offer these general, shallow platitudes, and I could practically hear her scream that that was not what she wanted to hear.

But more than anything, I realised that I have gone through these waters and survived. Not only survived but in so many aspects thrived. And I have the experience and knowledge to help newly single mamas like her to get through their own storm quicker, with less damage. To get through it and out the other side, and to start to heal on the way.

My one-year anniversary as a single mama

5 Things you need to know to be a successful single mama

Today, I can confidently say that I am over my ex, have figured out my life as best I can, and I am happy. I am rebuilding my life the way I want it. Overwhelm? Sure, at times. But nothing compared to the beginning. What has changed? The natural flow of time definitely helped, but there were a few other things I did that helped me put the pieces back together, in the shape that I wanted them to go.

Newly single mom? Get my survival checklist!

Things you can start to help you feel more in control and to make the healing process a bit easier:

Write it down.

I am not a journaler, I don’t have the discipline nor the lifestyle to sit down daily and write down how I feel. What I did was document every time I had a big feeling, whether positive or negative. I would keep track of it in my day planner, never going into too much detail. Just what I felt and quickly what happened that triggered the feeling. Most days had little to no severe ups or downs, so documenting these feelings made me recognise patterns and definite triggers, making it easier to steer clear of situations or people that had a negative effect on me, or seeking out those ones that made me feel good. Writing things down also helped me make sense of my situation and how I felt in it. I highly recommend that you put pen to paper and get those feelings out, how often or in whichever way you feel comfortable.

Another point I wish to add here: if you do seek professional help, you can take your writings with you as a point of reference. So often when we are asked to name specific incidents or feelings we draw a blank – this is your cheat card out of that.

Communicate and share.

The first thing I did was gather my people. I had lost so many deep friendships over the course of my marriage that it took wilful determination to get these relationships back on track. That looked like me being vulnerable and fragile in front of people who, I think, at first were a bit confused. After time, they started to share back and now I can say I have more than a handful of very close friends. But these relationships took work. I encourage you to seek out your tribe and share with them even when it hurts to say the words out loud. These people are the ones who will invite you over on the first weekend that your kids go to their dad, or listen to you vent when the lawyers make your life difficult. They are also the people who will keep you from doing something stupid like drunk dialling your ex, or jumping into a relationship just because you don’t want to be alone.

Surrender and search.

Just give in. Feel the grief. Mourn the loss. Cry, weep, sob. Then when you have laid everything bare, look up at God and see His loving kindness. Fall into His arms and allow Him to comfort you. Look for Him and you will find Him. My best tip? Prayer. All. The. Time. The. Whole. Day.

Where is God in single parenthood?

Create routines.

Finding a new normal is difficult, and frankly – it hurts. Going from the known to the unknown takes work and a lot of suppressed tears, so my best advice would be to do it quickly. Much like plucking off a Band-Aid – do it without pause.  The moment you walk out and find yourself on your own, stop doing the things the way you always used to do them. Explain to the kids that this is a new adventure, and you get to write the story. Design your day according to your needs and your abilities, create routines that work for you and your new life. Then stick to them. By creating and sticking to routines you bring structure into a world that was turned upside down, creating calm amidst all the chaos. You give the kids, and yourself, a framework so that they, and you, know what to expect and when. This gives them certainty and will make your life a lot easier.

How to make life easier as a single mama

Simplify your life now

Be still and wait.

So often our way of dealing with hurt is to get a crutch. The best advice I got was that I had a free pass to be a mess for a year. During that year, I was allowed to wallow and not wash my hair and feel sorry for myself at times. But this free pass expired 365 days after day 0, and then I had to have my life in order. Being a mess does not mean relying on crutches to get through it, so if you are turning to alcohol (or drugs), new relationships or any other obsessive behaviour YOU NEED TO STOP. You are not doing yourself or your kids any good. And while you are in this season, don’t wish it away. Do the work, sort out your feelings, find your identity and work out what you want in life. Then when your free pass has expired you will be ready to face life, head-on, and stronger than before.

Reflect and question.

Question everything. Leave no stone unturned – ask why your relationship didn’t work. What went wrong. What went right. Why did things happen the way they did. Question your own childhood, deal with any traumas that might have happened. Heal old wounds. Make sure you will not repeat the same mistakes – life is too short to do that. By reflecting on the past you can help shape a healthier future. A wise man once told me the way you leave a previous relationship is the way you will enter into a new one. Make sure any possibility of future happiness is guaranteed by dealing with the past.

Learning to accept myself as a single mom

Get out there and try new things.

Notice how I said new things and not new people Find new hobbies. That thing you always wanted to try but were too scared, or could not find the time, or whatever the reason/excuse was – now is the time. Try it, if you don’t like it you can ditch it. If you do like it? Well, hello new you, welcome! Put yourself out there and meet new people. Be interesting and fun-loving. But a word of caution: be careful of opening yourself up to dating too soon. You first need to get over your heartbreak and anger before you can allow yourself to find love again. Don’t fool yourself by thinking you are only doing it for fun – often relationships start on a foundation of trauma or hurt, and then we are surprised later on when they fall apart. Be whole, and then start to date.

The tip? When it feels good, not forced or uncomfortable or you feel shame, then you are ready to get back into the dating pool. Until then, try your hand at crocheting or rock climbing.

Dating after divorce

Look after yourself.

Self-care is a drum that has been beaten to death, but that does not make it less true or less important. You need to look after yourself in order to be the most and best you can be for your kids and to get through those first few months sane and intact. Remember, you get that free pass for the year to be a mess, to not shave or not wash your hair. Luckily self-care isn’t solely based on physical appearance. Focus on getting to know YOU, the real you, the one that was buried in a marriage, in being mom, in being a wife. Spend time with that person, eat ice cream in bed and drink champagne in the bath with that person. Go for walks. Introduce that person to your kids and your friends and your dog. Do what you need to do to look after the whole you.

Address the “I” in parenting

Why you need to prioritise me-time, especially if you are parenting alone

Value your time and boundaries.

This is something I still struggle with, although a lot less than I did initially. I am a pleaser, and I am betting my hat that you are too. Now, you have one less person to please, but you are feeling fragile and alone so instead of saying no to things you don’t want to do, you say yes out of a feeling of guilt (usually your family or tribe – how can you say no when they are doing so much for you?) or shame (if I say no they will read more into it than they should, or they will think I am weak) or even because you still don’t understand that you are more than enough. Let me tell you this, I wish someone had told me this at the beginning: your kids will not suffer if you say no to things you don’t want to do. Even if those things involve them. You are not adding to their burden or making their trauma worse. And secondly – if people are nice and supportive to you because they want it to be paid back, they are not the right people to have in your life. Refer to point 2 as well as point 7 – find a new tribe.

Boundaries are a good way of protecting yourself and your new family unit. Building your no’s into these boundaries will quickly get you to a point where you no longer feel guilty for using that small yet powerful word. Remember, this is your new life, and you are in control.

Help your kids cope with separation/divorce

Seek professional help.

Lastly, realise that asking for help doesn’t make you weak. It reveals a strength far greater than you will ever be able to grasp. Going through a divorce can be likened to facing death. Death of your marriage, death of the person you were before the relationship, death of the person you were in the relationship, death of all the hopes and dreams you had. Grieving this can be debilitating, and again – the way you leave your previous relationship is the way you enter into any new ones. Find someone you can talk to and who can objectively give you insights and advice. Friends are great for listening, but often we need a bit more. There are many cost-effective ways of seeing a therapist, including virtual sessions, seeing someone at your local church, going to support groups or even finding a virtual group. Reach out.

Asking for help doesn’t make you weak – it reveals strength, even when you don’t feel strong

Time is a great healer, but only if you commit to doing the work. Following an ostrich-approach will not get you anywhere – you cannot ignore the problem with the hopes that it will disappear. You need to face the fact that you are now a single mama, deal with the grief, and rebuild your life (using some if not all of the tips above). You owe being happy to yourself as much as to your kids, so go be happy.

To the mama who is facing the death of a marriage, I know it hurts. Even if it was your choice. I can tell you it won’t be easy, but it is possible. Get up. Make the choice. Just start. You have got this.

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[tsunrugi]

So I have a lot of thoughts about Ares that I haven’t been writing down/sharing on here! I was going to go through point by point with that trailer they did a few months ago, going in to my personal opinions/predictions for each team, situation, and what I think that means for the characters in them… but then I realised I really just want to talk about Teikoku. So i’m gonna. do that.

so aliea is a super influential arc for a lot of characters, and three of those have ended up at teikoku - sakuma, fudou and kazemaru (just mentally add + genda every time i mention sakuma, i love him but unfortunately he doesn’t get built on much after aliea). and actually the minute hino said this was an alternate timeline i was v. concerned in regards to the development for these characters bcs i see them as being v important to them growing up in to strong healthy beautiful adults! very briefly:

- it reaffirms sakuma’s sense of self in a teikoku w/out kidou. it helps him define himself w/out kidou. also like it’s super fucking mature of him to be able to encourage kidou to go to raimon when he knows it’ll hurt him in the process!! props for sakuma, look at all that Character Growth.

- it sets up fudou’s whole deal. on subsequent viewings it actually also sets up his isolation which is super super important for his later development.

- it shifts kazemaru’s perspective, shows us (and him) how destructive it can be to cling to things like being the best, how having high standards for yourself can, when left unchecked, be self destructive. the whole dark emperors thing makes him grow up very fast and kind of refocuses his priorities in sport (and life?).

so in ares, these things haven’t happened. maybe they won’t happen! that concerns me because i love that these things happened because it’s a testament to how well i11 develops its characters subtly and continuously through the series. i want to have faith but lbr, this is going to be one fucking crowded series. here’s maybe my thoughts re: all of these characters being together, on what appears to be the most fucked team in the competition. like, rip teikoku, you’re not getting anywhere and it’s not fair because you’re beautiful and you deserve it.

first up with sakuma. he’ll probably suffer enough being a captain on a team coached by kageyama, but i’m curious to see exactly how. not just because i enjoy suffering, but because kageyama brand suffering is pretty bland at this point, so the real question is - will this suffering bring about as nice character moments as shin teikoku did? shin teikoku was such a good story arc. it had purpose in the overall season as well as for the characters involved! and i’ll say it again, i really love how sakuma Grew because of it. it takes a lot to own up to your own mistakes, let alone as big as the one he made. he wasn’t just trying to absolve kidou of his guilt by telling him he was better at raimon: he was also in a way repenting himself, giving himself a stern talking to, to try and see past his own desires and fears and paranoia and to fight his loneliness with his friend’s happiness. it sounds so petty but this can be hard!! fomo is a Real Thing. and i think this kind of shapes sakuma later, in ffi - he gets setback after setback but he works through it and it’s Brilliant. he works hard to get back in to shape so he can play again. he works even harder to try and be on the representative team, and then gets knocked back. picks himself up and keeps going. puts aside his own beef with kageyama to support kidou. he works on himself constantly, physically and mentally and just As A Person, and it all starts with that guilt from shin teikoku. will ares have these moments for him?

i can see the whole “kidou come back to teikoku :cccccc” thing being solved by a casual conversation. it might even be OFF SCREEN. and that feels super anti-climactic considering the lasting impact of shin teikoku? what i want is for sakuma to lose it again - maybe have his anger at his own inability as captain boil over, have him lash out at kageyama in the Worst Possible Way. he’d have to be isolated. he’d have to ignore support from genda and kazemaru and whatever interaction he has with kidou. but it would be FUN and we also get to have his development and learning growth and i’d be happy*

i want to jump in with kazemaru next. because he’s kind of similar with sakuma in how dark emperors impacted his character, only his attachment was to the idea of winning/being the best rather than a person or idealised team/friendship situation. kazemaru doesn’t look like he’s in a good position in aliea which ngl gives me Life, but the question is - will this lead to his realisation and reconfiguration of his toxic mindset?

there’s nothing wrong with wanting to improve, or with having ambition or goals. but we all know how that ended for kazemaru, because of the way he internalised loss and failure and was eventually tempted by pure power. he’s very de-powered in ares. he has to play second fiddle to KAGEYAMA, of all fucking people, and idk i got the vibe from the trailer that he’s trying to start a coup with sakuma at least to usurp it all. but… is this consistent with s1 kazemaru, or even early aliea kazemaru? he feels very ffi kazemaru already. again, no doubt he’ll Suffer, but there was something to dark emperors that was so shocking, so impactful, that you can’t help but want something just as big? i don’t think there’s space for it in the ares story. and like sakuma, i don’t think he’s isolated to the point he was in aliea for it to happen all that naturally. so the question is - will his toxic mindset get addressed? will the dark parts of his ambition be dealt with, or will they still be there ready to explode?

i think that’s my major concern. aliea built kazemaru’s dark emperor turn so well. i don’t want that aspect of his character to just be ignored like it was never a thing, because imo it’d make the whole thing feel less like natural, human development and more like contrived plot device. and yeah, i know this is fiction, i know things have to happen for the plot, but i like i11 because it does treat character seriously, and does have the plot evolve along character lines. even in s1 kazemaru talks about how he wants to fight on the world stage. his break in s2 is believable. his stress, his fear, his anxiety, his despair, it’s all believable! please let elements of that stay in whatever he has to go through in ares.

and now for fudou! i love fudou. i was v. concerned when he turned up in the outer code and seemed Actually Stable. see, the thing with these three in aliea is that they were all isolated (sakuma you could argue had mentally separated his own suffering from genda’s, when you consider the extend he went to in shin teikoku in comparison). and they all dealt with that isolation by taking the power of the aliea meteorite. sakuma and kazemaru did that with a whole lot of passion. they let it consume them. fudou… didn’t. fudou was in control. and he seems to discard it without having to break like the other two did.

fudou is so interesting, i’d recommend an aliea rewatch just focusing on him. he’s all about the calculated revenge agains the world. he wants chaos, but he himself is not chaotic. he wants it to come apart around him, but to stay above it all. that’s why the only real moment of shock for him comes when kageyama rubs it in his face that he’s just as much of a pawn as the rest of them. this is a Deep Cut for him. this is Huge. and it’s huge because, as much as he wants to stay separate, he is still insanely affected by his family situation. it follows him in to ffi in that he can’t open up or trust any of his teammates, and how he deliberately antagonises them to keep them away. he doesn’t want, closeness. he doesn’t think he needs it, even though in many ways he craves it (snarky comments to himself that just serve to show how lonely he is, the fact that 90% of his hissatsu are combo moves, etc).

ANYWAY. why does this matter? well, in what we’ve seen of him in ares he’s…. playing nice? he’s sitting quietly and listening? he’s involved in team play? HE’S WEARING THE NO. 10 JERSEY JFC. this fudou already feels post-ffi. i can give them the benefit of the doubt - he doesn’t know why he’s at the teikoku meeting, and he doesn’t seem to have an established relationship with kageyama. maybe he’s just playing it save, sussing things out. but i hope there is some chaos. i hope he doesn’t play nice from the get-go. ffi was really fun in deconstructing his actions vs. everyone else’s intense dislike of him. it’s a really subtle unravelling of a villain, one that i missed on first watch because i was too god damn mad at him. but!! it’s so good. it’s so well done. and there are so many layers: we see fudou as we know him, just that Shithead who caused shin teikoku. we see fudou from the POV of kidou and sakuma, as someone who can’t be trusted, as someone who might still be working with kageyama. and then we see him through his own actions: he was fucked over too, and he wants to get back at kageyama just the same as everyone else. he’s insanely attentive to his teammates, even in the early stages of the season. he’s alone. and he grows. i love adult fudou because it’s such a lovely transformation from this isolated kid who dealt with his pain by causing chaos, to an actual well adjusted human being who has Friends and who Coaches and Helps people and Supports them while still retaining his own sense of self. IT’S REALLY NICE. BUT WE CAN’T HAVE THAT ARC IF HE’S ALREADY THERE.

so hino, please, make fudou a shit. make him the biggest shit. make him ambiguous and unpredictable and look I know there’s not that much time to deal with this but make him chaotic, just for a little bit. he is the joker - let him act like it before he joins up all buddy with sakuma and kazemaru, as per the implications of the trailer. you can do it, i have faith in you.

*i will most likely be happy with anything they do anyway this is all moot

[a-weird-blog-in-general]

In the Heights God Au

Yep. I went and did this, and it’s long. And it’s a bit of a mess. And long. This is going to be Part 1 of hopefully one 2, to avoid making this post too long. And of course, you are all free to take your own creative liberties with this; what I’ve chipped in is only what I’d like to see, nothing more.

Overall this may seem like a jumbled mess and I'm sorry for that.

The way I have it, each character is going to have their God based on an already existing deity/myth, and they all vary in origin and cultural influence. Cause I wanted to do more than just Greek mythology. They all reside in varying places in the world too.

Usnavi => God of Stories and Storytelling

Based on Anansi the Storytelling spider of the Caribbean

Resides on an a relatively small, floating island (it's his island), all pretty and stuff, and it's spider central (but like cute spiders not those big hairy ones Usnavi would probably freak if he saw one of those)

The spiders provide the stories Usnavi collects; if there's one he really likes he'll go out and get the story himself.

He met Vanessa by chance one day, had a conversation and hit it off and he fell so hard for her; he’s made it his mission to seek Vanessa out and see her again.

He weaves the web to catch Vanessa when the wind blows by, but she always slips through => he tries to fashion better webs; it never works out.

His little island tends to orbit where Sonny lives so he can be close and watch over little god Sonny.

Creative liberty => Usnavi could totally have multiple arms if you wanted that in a design; I think that’d be really cool

Vanessa => Goddess of Wind and Flight

Vanessa lives in the clouds and sky, that being her domain, so she can fly and be free.

She would be based off the Aztec wind god Quetzalcoatl => light and beautiful dress, but strong and bright colors and she's adorned with gorgeous feathers.

She flies across the sky, carrying the winds with her where she goes => She can just fly on her own

She likes Usnavi, and thinks it kind of funny that they keep playing this game of “Catch the Wind,” but once she starts falling for Usnavi oh boy => She blames Carla for it (you’ll see why)

Sonny => God of the Sun

He resides in an open tower made of clay with plenty of openings for him to fly out wherever he wants

Based off the Incan god of the sun Nuit with plenty of Inca cultural influence in dress manner =>  I love the idea of Sonny having physical wings here

Bright and energetic, a protector of the people, but hot-headed (get it?)

He kinda really very much loves the moon and wants to meet her and see her and have a conversation with her => Can't really have time to do any of that because the moon and the sun can't be in the sky at the same time; he tries anyway => Sonny chases Nina across the sky the moment the sun is supposed to rise to catch at least a glimpse of Nina before she disappears for the day

He'll never actually catch her, though

Nina => Goddess of the Moon and the Minds

Most definitely based off the Greek god Athena => Much Greek influence in design

Resides in a Greek style pantheon, which happens to be in a mountain

Sonny chases her to catch her, but she ends up falling in love Benny who does catch her

She wants to have some freedom from the confines that Kevin has placed upon her

Pretty solid relationship with Lincoln even though Kevin disagrees; Lincoln can always cheer her up somehow and does indirectly help Nina and Benny hook up (You’ll see)

Benny => The Mortal who Caught the Moon

He's a mortal who falls in love with the Moon, but he can never see her because she's too far away and he can't stay awake long enough to draw her attention

So he sings to the moon until he can no longer stay awake (Lincoln provides the slightest drop of inspiration, leaving the rest to Benny) => Nina hears it and looks for the source and she does find it => She leaves a note

Every night they leave each other gifts and notes and they slowly fall in love => one of those gifts is knowledge, specifically the knowledge of how to catch a god => using the other gifts he crafts a makeshift net, everything held together by a single string made of his love (Carla and Lincoln help with that, you'll see how later) => He catches Nina with the net, pulling her down as gently as possible cause that's a god you've got Benny a pure divine angelic being you better be careful and they're adorable together and they kiss, sealing a bond between them

Lincoln => God of Death

Resides at a shrine located in a graveyard => Graves of the Nameless; people/mortals come to pay their respects to Lincoln and the dead unknown => He takes the unknown deaths/souls under his wing because he can relate to their loneliness

He is the closest to the mortals and practically in constant contact with them

Inspiration from San/Santa Muerte with a strong cultural influence => contributes to his musicality and isolation

He provides the inspiration for music and art

He creates death as something that is not to be feared, but something to be celebrated => Makes that happen by connecting music and liveliness of cultures to the celebration of death

Kevin’s not the biggest fan of that ideology, and they disagree on the aspect of death and how it should be addressed

Abuela Claudia => Goddess of Heaven and Sky, Lord of Constellations, Mother of the Gods

Inspired by the first Mesopotamian god AnuShe lives everywhere; you ask for her guidance she will just appear

She likes being with the mortals, and often disguises herself as a mortal to check up on the world => bless those doing good and punish those who are not

She takes the souls of the dead and places them as stars in the sky

Also takes time to feed the birds

She foretell events that will occur, but she cannot influence the event in such a way that completely changes the course of fate

The Rosarios => Divine Arcana

Camila => The Empress

Kevin => The Emperor

Camila focuses on health and bounty, values and ethics => Kevin focuses on authority and control => Both serve as judges over the worldInspiration from the tarot arcana of the same name, along with traditional Catholic influences/imagery

Reside in a mountain which inside has the most palace (like a "King Under the Mountain" type of place) and in the center, there's this beautiful grotto and garden with an opening in the ceiling to the sky => that's where Nina is

Kevin built it there to keep Nina close and happy but Nina wants to be freeKevin has so much responsibility it can get overwhelming

Pete => The Boy who Calmed the Sun

Takes inspiration from the demigod Maui => Feel free to take creative liberties in design

Pete's a demigod (in some circles, this can be a bad thing) who receives a from a strange woman (guess who => it's Abuela Claudia helping out fate) asking him to seek out the sun => So Pete goes to find Sonny

Here's why:

Sonny is NOT happy that Nina and Benny are a thing => He's basically lost his only possible chance to have Nina notice him and boy is he salty

So out of anger, he refuses to obey any natural laws and literally starts heating up the whole earth => that's how mortals explain how the earth got deserts

So someone's got to talk some sense into Sonny but he won't let anyone near himHe gets help from Vanessa to be able to find Sonny quickly => Most Gods want to help Pete because no one is benefitting from Sonny’s heatwave

He does find Sonny, but Sonny isn't gonna deal with anyone so he books it => Pete finds a conveniently placed cord, uses it to catch Sonny and ties him down=> So Sonny’s floating in the sky with his hands bound to his sides and he is not happy => He desperately tries to use his powers against Pete in some way but because of Pete’s demigod blood he’s not really affected by any of it

The whole thing that happens is based on the Maui myth about slowing the sun, just without attacking the sun to the point of weakness

They do start to get along on the way back to Sonny’s home => Pete becomes the therapist friend who helps Sonny vent and talks all the anger out

They get back to Sonny’s tower and Nina’s there => she worked around a few rules to be able to talk to the sun => Sonny so desperately wants to be mad at her but he can’t => they talk it out, actually get to know each other, make amends, etc. => Pete you did a good => mortals and Gods are like “whoa damn man you just snagged an angry God out of the sky like whoa”

Carla => Goddess of Love and Matchmaking

Inspired by the Chinese god Yue Lao, who ties the red string of fate around those destined to be together; or people she thinks should be together => fate works the way it does => Normally does the tying after checking with Abuela Claudia on fate’s say in the matter; sometimes she gets an answer, sometimes she doesn’t => Only she can see the stringReally into knitting and crochet => thanks @boopliette !

Whenever two souls end up together, people normally blame Carla => they did for the whole Benny and Nina thing; she’ll never admit that she did tie them together

The two souls she ties together are supposedly soulmates => mortals don’t always follow what she’s made and that’s okay => sometimes people can be a little stupid

Likes being in the thick of humanity with Daniela, mostly cause it’s her job to watch over the soulmates she ties

Daniela => Goddess of Beauty and Femininity

Inspiration from the Egyptian goddess Bastet, Goddess of Felines, women, and beauty

She and Carla go hand in hand => Carla hooks up the people, Daniela plays out the game of life with the two

Daniela sometimes fools mortals and orchestrates the drama that entangles them

Protective of women, but she does it in a subtle way => Blesses them with beauty, gives them confidence, and tries to steer them away from poor choices

Also into cats

She prefers to stay around humanity for the drama; she likes having something to talk about

As I’ve stated before, creative liberties are open! Please, you have all the right to dabble into this with your own ideas and stuff. I’d love that. And hey, if you ever want to talk about this, I’m open for conversation. Part 2 will hopefully come with more of the world stuff; how humanity is, and other little things about being a god/divine.

[sword-and-quill]

Replies

@cuntharidin said: This was a delighting piece of bedtime literature, absolutely! Can I say that I was especially excited to finally, finally, /finally/ have the pleasure of meeting Allan? I mean, I’m obviously thrilled to witness the whole band of loners assembling, but having had the opportunity to watch him interact as Tremere DID somehow raise my expectations to meet him in his “original” manifestation as a …warlock.

Thank you very much! :) It was a pleasure to introduce him and I hope he lived up to expectations! I’m really excited to get everyone together in the same space and working as a team.

(And I’m infinitely happy Booker survived – not just from the “avoid the trope” aspect, but I also think the narrative profits. The whole ‘must find new social radius because everyone else is dead’ is quite prevalent in young adult fiction, and, y'know, especially since this is all about finding people to trust after experiencing betrayal/some sort of abuse. From my own experience getting away/cutting ties is extremely emotionally straining, especially if people stay back that you liked and who didn’t do anything wrong – and Booker really isn’t a bad guy – but sometimes you gotta leave these behind as well, even though I’m not sure what’s going on with him in the story. I’m not quite sure how to phrase it, yet I always felt the whole “everyone died, tabula rasa” situation oversimplifies extremely and doesn’t answer the “Can I still go and leave people behind that didn’t do me wrong? Or that are somehow dependent on me? Is that a reason to stay?” question. Does that make sense?)

It makes a lot of sense! I’m really happy I finalized the change as well, for several reasons. I think you’re right, I really think you’ve hit on a lot of elements where the death was... well, I don’t want to get too down on myself, but it was a lazy / inexperienced decision that was easy to make when I was 16 and working within the standard tropes of the genre, but definitely needed to be revised.

I think the necessary core impact of separating from Booker - the result that I need to accomplish, in a meta sense - is generating the freedom for Mara to grow. To sift through, synthesize, adopt and/or possibly reject lessons she learned from him and the other authority figures she’s left behind. Her parents, who loved her dearly but with whom she felt she couldn’t be entirely honest. Booker, with whom she could be entirely honest but didn’t always agree. And Thein, who offered a haven of ‘honesty’ and agreeableness, but was ultimately using those as tools to control her.

Which brings me to the question – in how far do warlocks and mages differ? Is it a specific nomenclature within Mara’s universe, or did you chose to adapt the classification for example D&D proposes? It seems to be a thing in high fantasy to separate these supernatural professions, but I have no idea; Z already indicates that the warlock’s interests are of “cosmic” nature and she seems a tad more earthed with her, well, stones. Quite casual about it, too: I believed these phenomenons belong to a “secret society”/beyond convention masquerade not unlike the WoD, but apparently it’s common knowledge and can be discussed openly? After all, Grey’s are public presences as well.

It is a distinction in their magical styles, yes! Though the nomenclature may change. Mage and Warlock are alright as catch-all magical labels, but... they don’t have the right oomph yet. I struggle with naming, at times, I still have half of the Antehex tiers to finalize! Anyway, the main difference is their approach to magic. Allan’s style strongly prefers that you put rules on the spells you cast. You have to build the tunnel through which you wish your magic to travel to the intended result. Zory’s style treats magic with a great deal more trust and personal development. They’re more willworkers than architects and they get a lot of fulfillment out of watching the unique ways magic manifests with their personal touch. “Practitioner” is the catch-all term for people who use magic in this ‘verse.

They’re both practitioners and magical abilities aren’t limited by the style you prefer; in a lot of ways, I’m treating magic ‘in universe’ as art! People have their own distinct styles, some people treat it as a formal school and climb to the peak gladly accepting the lessons of those who came before, some people accomplish fantastic results simply by practicing on their own, and some people do magic in truly bizarre and unexpected ways. Some people have all kinds of classifications and distinctions and genres, while others just see it as one big umbrella. For some people it’s a career, for some it’s part of their identity, and for some it’s just a hobby. What you get out of magic depends strongly on what you put into it.

Now, as to the casual nature of it, I may need to put some additional effort into refining how it’s brought up in this scene. Because yeah, there is that thin veil of pseudo-secrecy, for sure, even if it’s far more permeable and permissive than the Masquerade! I actually based this on how casually my Wiccan and Pagan buds discuss their own practices, buuuuut... I think you’re right, giving it another readthrough with your feedback, I think the initial dialogue does end up being too explicit for the balance I need to hit. They can still have much the same conversation without necessarily tipping their hand to a stranger about how much magic is involved. I’ll work that into my revisions, much appreciated!

In fact, I’ve given it a quick once-over that I think should help! She should come across as a more traditional spiritualist now, until Mara tips her hand that she knows about magic and then they can open up the discussion.

Anyways! I really do love that you chose to invest quite a significant of words into the descriptive part, here; it’s just so very vivid and evokes a wonderful atmosphere and aesthetic to place the newcomers in – one fleeing from it, apparently, despite being versed in maneuvering the field; I’m generally very inclined to dialogue and I wholly enjoyed the character’s exchanges!

That’s delightful to hear, I appreciate it!! I thought mood and setting would be particularly important for this; how Allan treats his environment is as much a part of his character as his words and body language, so I wanted to be sure readers have clarity about him.

Another element that stood out was your choice to let A cry. I was a bit surprised, in fact – which is, I realize, all me, and pointing it out might reveal more about me than about your particular choice. Still, stroke me as positively remarkable, also gives a nice perspective on how significant the solitude and even loneliness which A’s paranoia necessitates might influence him?

!! It wasn’t a decision I made casually, but I... think it’s impactful, both thematically and in terms of character development.

Allan is dealing with a lot. He’s been profoundly disturbed by his experiences, he’s not always coping in the best ways, and he’s having a difficult time not taking it personally that his best friend decided to move out. Certainly he would have preferred not to show vulnerability with a stranger nearby, but... he’s only human and he’s hurting. His social support structures are practically nonexistent due to his isolation and losing a housemate compounds that.

So much of society demands that we put on a cheerful face, move along, pretend everything is alright and sweep everything unpleasant under the rug. A huge part of what bonds this group together is going to be that they can’t pretend everything is okay. They know things aren’t okay, they desperately need to address the fact that things aren’t okay, and none of them truly want to be alone yet they’ve ended up on their own all the same. If I do my job right, the story will make it apparent that they’re all facing extremely similar pain from different angles for different reasons. Sometimes they’ll be able to help each other. Sometimes they won’t. But they’ll always be nose-to-nose with that same kernel, that question of “What do I do?”, trying to answer it in different ways.

I don’t know, I just- Allan deserves the same space to express that pain as everybody else. He has a right to not be okay and to admit that it sucks. I want the story to have compassion and nuance for him and everyone else and I sort of feel like giving the characters that kind of emotional space contributes to that goal. At least, I hope it does.

I don’t want to bother you with an all too extensive comment, so I’ll speed up a little: The state of the house seems very curious – at first I thought he might be a compulsive horder, but he faces no troubles eliminating the dishes, so that’s not it! I wonder what’s the story behind all of this! Additionally I can’t but wonder how Booker and he met!

I can see why you’d think so! He’s not a hoarder, though, just struggles to get out of his own head to deal with real world concerns. It’s not easy to summon up enough focus to clean the house when it feels like the world could end at any moment and the next ritual is far more important anyway. I think that bit of characterization will become more clear as more context and interactions are given.

And you will get to find out how he and Booker met, in the story!! A tiny tidbit, though, he was friends with both Booker and Jackson, so they go back several years!

I might not be qualified to comment on it, though you introduce Zory with the formulation of “tall black woman” and while you describe Allan with the adjective “pale”, you don’t explicitly mention that he is white yet explicitly state that she’s black. I read some guides that say this is an imbalance to be avoided when introducing characters of color! Like I said, I’m not sure, I just stumbled over it.

aaahhhhh, I thought I’d been thorough! Thank you for pointing it out, you are absolutely right to do so! I received some feedback on an earlier section that I didn’t go into enough detail on how characters looked, which resulted in assumptions that everyone was white. And given that a lot of the characters aren’t, I’ve been trying to compensate and make sure everyone’s ethnicity is clearly stated and I missed Allan. Thank you! I’ve fixed that as well. Now we are like... draft 1.3 instead of draft 1.0. That much closer to the second draft!! Haha

I HAD SO MUCH FUN READING THIS. I was disappointed when it ended. WHATS NEXT. lmao too long

!!!!! I’m really glad you had fun! And I super appreciate that you took the time to read it and leave me your thoughts. Reactions, opinions, what you liked/hated/noticed feedback, little error catches - all of these are incredibly valuable to me and they help raise the overall quality of the work itself and make me aware of where I may need to pay more attention, so seriously: thank you! You rock. :)

[gaiatheorist]

“This Anxiety Thing.”

I’m now 2/3 of the way through the NHS ‘Introduction to Anxiety’ course, that it’s taken over two years to be allocated onto. I hate it. ‘Hate’ is a strong word, what I mean to say is that there are many elements to the thing I actively dislike. It’s a stepped process, and if I don’t complete next week’s session, I’ll be bounced out of the system, and have to wait to go on the waiting list again.

The lovely ladies that run the course invited 20 people to each of the two 90-minute sessions they run on a Friday. They only laid out 10 chairs in the room, and they knew that they wouldn’t fill them all, at the end of my first session, a couple of people said they might not come back, and I volunteered to swap into the earlier session, to make the numbers easier. That would have made four participants. One of the facilitators was watching the waiting-room before she did the photocopying, and she guessed-right the number of us that would actually show. Three. (Side-slant, about the NHS not being able to afford photocopying wastage, they probably run this course multiple times, but can’t ‘save’ any spare copies for the next run, in case the budget needs to be trimmed again, and it’s cut.) That’s the level of damage, or disengagement, or just not-being-able-to they’re working with, by the time ‘we’ get our appointments for the ‘Introduction to’, ‘we’ are already at a stage where some of us can’t sit in a room for 90 minutes with other people. Have that, ‘Minister for Loneliness’ and ‘Community Prescribing’, it takes so long to get into the system that some of us are already beyond sitting in a room watching YouTube clips.

I’m finding it very challenging. Not the content, I could have written most of it, but the process. There’s a snarky mind-loop of the very lucid priest sitting in the Hairy-Hands-Hospice in the Father Ted episode, the one who says “I really shouldn’t be here, you know.”, while the other priests are yelling “Feck!” and “Girls!” and “Drink.” There’s also a niggle in me that I mustn’t go all ‘Randal P McMurphy’, and be an obstacle to the progress of the other two participants. That’s not to say that I’m ‘faking it’, just that my anxiety-behaviours, like most things about me, are atypical. The control-behaviour in me, when I know a situation is not under my control is a massive strand of my anxiety-thing. Hyper-vigilant, I watch and listen, and then I usually either show off, or clown about. (There was a bit of ‘tears of a clown’ after last week’s session, I just crashed and slept after this one, I’ve been ill most of this week, I was exhausted.) The other two participants are VERY quiet, I don’t think the girl spoke at all, other than to confirm her name, and the man only spoke when addressed directly. I tried to keep a lid on it, and not answer every question. I deliberately dedicated a bit of my conscious awareness to making sure I wasn’t the only one talking, that’ll be why I greyed-out part way through. My ‘executive functioning’ can be patchy when I’m distracted, profoundly ironic, because when a thing has my full attention, I’m still highly functional. I should have been focusing on JUST the course content, but I had a backing-track of “Don’t act the goat.”, with a chorus of “Let the other participants speak.” and a pervasive-thought bridge of “This is not the right place for me.” Oh, and the projector was knackering my eyes, everything smelled fusty because of the rain, and I was simultaneously regretting eating a McDonald’s on the way, and wondering what nonsense I’d be able to buy the kid from town and still catch the bus home before dark. 

This course is a sifting process. We’ve passed the stage of random individuals telling us to pull our socks up and just get on with it, we’ve negotiated past the doctor’s-receptionist-dragons, to be patted on the head and told to get on with it. I was eventually lucky with the third GP I saw at my practice, the first one said “No, lass, you don’t need ‘that’, you need ‘this’.”, and two years later, it transpired that I did indeed need the ‘that’. The second one was worse “No, I can’t write you a sick-note for stress for ‘that’, that would stress anyone.” Erm, Hello, I’m someone, and it’s stressing me to a point where I can’t function. I followed protocol, that’s what I do. I filled in all of the right forms, and ticked all of the right boxes during my ‘descent into Hell for a bottle of milk’, it took all of my cognitive capacity just to stay afloat, I’m still scrubbing the metaphorical flood-stains off the walls.

Natural attrition, and human collateral, some people will sink, I’m a kicker.

I bed-blocked 16 sessions of IAPT counselling. A chirpy-chap telling me week after week that he admired my resilience, that some people wouldn’t be so tenacious, determined, focused, driven, brilliant, intriguing, able-to-survive. I don’t respond to praise and platitudes, I hit a plateau, and neither of us could shift me beyond that. He eventually ‘let me go’ when it looked like I had a referral for more appropriate intervention on the horizon. That mirrored the experience of trying to access meaningful therapy 2 years ago, Workplace Well-being didn’t want to take me on, because they’d made a referral to Neurology (which was never acted upon), my former employers weren’t going to pay for therapy for me, and their suggested alternative was wildly inappropriate. NHS-general mental health didn’t want to take me on because my employers were advised to buy-in therapy... that was ‘juggling a hot potato’ episode 1. Episode 2 was the Community Mental Health team saying they couldn’t take me on until the Neuro-Psych assessment had concluded it wasn’t entirely a physical-brain issue, and then Neuro-Psych giving me four agonising pages of reports on which bits of my brain didn’t work properly, and deciding that it WAS a mental health issue. It’s to be hoped that the gruesome game of pass-the-parcel I am doesn’t have any chocolate in it, I’ve been bundled hither and yon so much it will be melted. 

Unless you’re in absolute crisis, you have to wait for NHS mental health intervention. I’m not going to lie, I’ve been pretty close to that at various points over the last few years. In my case, it’s a combination of missed opportunities, and my stubborn streak. I can ‘appear’ functional for short stretches of time, but it’s bastard hard work, I go into my ‘emotional overdraft’, and tend to have to write-off the next day. (Due to having mental health issues and brain damage at the same time, my physical brain is no longer ‘playing with a full deck’.)  It’s very difficult, but I CAN do it, apart from that worrying grey-out yesterday, one of the facilitators asked me what phrase I’d used in an earlier answer, and it was just gone, no recall at all. (It was ‘graded exposure’, I have a phenomenal recall when I get something wrong, in 1988, I scored 99/100 in my secondary school entry spelling test, I’d transposed letters, and spelled the word ‘health’ as ‘helath’, the teacher was Mr James, nobody in the entire class scored 100, I was siting next to Gill, and she’d had a cough, so Mr James had given her a drink of water in his nasty old coffee mug.) 

I know I have some anxiety-behaviours, I know I’ve effectively ‘closed down’ very large parts of my world with my various resistances and aversions. Next week’s session is going to be the hardest one, covering the cognitive aspects of anxiety. It’s going to highlight how incongruent I am, how atypical, because, although I have some traits consistent with anxiety, the ‘anxieties’ are symptomatic of a deeper cause, we don’t need to ‘fix’ (most of) my anxiety. I ‘can’ do big, horrible, scary things, I can do things that other people can’t. This tiny, insular, closed-down world I live in is not because I can’t do things, it’s because I won’t. I have the ‘skill’, I just don’t apply the ‘will’. A cumulative toll of very challenging circumstances have led to me almost totally collapsing in on myself, and I’m beating myself up for ‘taking up a space’ on the anxiety course. I’m stupid-fearless, your original Pound-shop Wonder-Woman, there are very few things I CAN’T do, but about five billion things that I find difficult, so either avoid them, or find some mad work-around that works-for-me.

Linear-logical, I need to complete the anxiety course, because that’s the only way I’ll progress to the 1:1 ‘evaluation’, where I’ll apologise for ‘taking up a space that would have better served someone else’, and reveal the truth of me. (Mad analogy, there, about which of the kids in the Chocolate Factory I’d be, what’s my flaw? I have Charlie’s good-natured poverty, but I also have traits of the others, I don’t watch as much TV as Mike, my obsessions aren’t quite as entrenched as Violet’s, but I am absolutely adamant about what I want, like Verruca. I don’t want the world, I want to be as functional as I can be within it.) The anxiety course was a best-fit alternative from the options offered to me ‘off the peg’. I have a massive, pervasive anxiety about   harming other people. It’s not new, and I don’t think any amount of graduated exposure is ever going to undo it. It’s very easy to unpick, I’ve had a chain of people in my life do me significant harm, and I don’t want to be them. A snowball rolling downhill, I’ve picked up scars, and slights, and scandals, and slurs, and carried them with me, determined not to pass them on. I try very hard not to deliberately hurt others, to help and heal where I can.

That’s why I’m so strung-out wrung-out, I know I shouldn’t be on that course, but I also know it’s my only way in to productive intervention. I’m using up too much brain-space ‘guarding’ other people from me, because I’m an absolute nightmare. All the while, in the background, I have the conditionality of the Universal Credit and PIP systems drawing on the resources I should be using to ‘get better’.  The ‘safety net’ has me well and truly tangled.   

[stayingconstant]

6/12/2017

The last few of my college lessons happened almost a full month after graduation occurred.

This weekend was a big a weekend. My birthday is June 6, and so this weekend was my “birthday weekend” if you will. And Pride so happened to also be going on in DC. 

So I got a hotel room with my friends (Eddie, Ryan, Yasmine, Crumley, and Lauren). The parade was on Saturday, the festival on Sunday, and we had night life events to go to both night. This weekend ended up not being what I expected. We didn’t make it to the parade until 6, and didn’t even hangout for very long before departing. We ended up skipping the festival all together. Friday night I cried over some guy that didn’t see how great I am, and Saturday night I ended up talking to a pedophile on accident (long story).

But at the end of it all I realized something. I fucking love my friends. I was stressed, disorganized, and a little bitter that my two other friends (Mike and Zyanya) didn’t bother telling me anything / bailed. We’ll get to that though.

But regardless of the weekend I had fun. I had people in my corner. We danced. We ate. We spent time with one another. But the funniest thing is I think I had more fun with Eddie and Yasmine when we got coffee and hung out after.

We talked about Yasmine’s friend problems, and Eddie’s family, and I realized something. #1 I had been so fixated on my own problems/sadness/loneliness I wasn’t invested in my friend’s lives. I used to be the person people came to. The person who would always be an empathetic listener. And throughout this year my insecurities and high expectations made it so that was less of an aspect of my personality.  

Secondly, the small moments and exchanges will most likely always matter more in the long run than the parties, the alcohol, and the big events. Never underestimate how a small, meaningful conversation can ultimately change the entire trajectory of your friendship. 

Now to get to Zyanya and Mike. I’ll hit Zyanya first. Z has a lot of shit going on in her life. And it’s been frustrating being her friend here lately because it seems as if every aspect of her life is consumed by emergencies that she has to address. It made it so I felt like I was losing her as a friend. Then my birthday rolled around. Eddie and I ventured to Charlottesvile and got lunch with Zyanya. It was so organic. We were back to where we had always been. So thirdly, don’t easily give up to the people you love. And you’ll think you love more people than you do. But you have a solid 3 or 4 that you know you just cannot let go. 

Mike. Mike is probably the biggest part of this story. Mike was supposed to meet up with me for pride for my birthday. He didn’t come to the parade. And he refused to buy tickets when we planned for that because it “wasn’t his thing”. I usually would put up a fight because I wanted him to be a part of the full experience, but I have learned throughout this year that you cannot force people to do things they don’t want to do. You can encourage them on the basis of hanging out with you / spending quality time with you and hoping that’s enough. But for some people it simply won’t be. 

Well the kicker is Mike went out Saturday anyway. He refused to come with us, but ultimately changed his mind. I was pretty frustrated on the basis of him already skipping the parade, and not meeting up with us. And the idea that he had kind of done this throughout the entire year. I got drunk. Sent a text message saying my frustrations, and telling him exactly what he sent me when he refused.

He ignored it.

We didn’t hangout Sunday either. More frustrating. Here we are, someone I thought I was close to lying about the night activities and then ignoring me because he doesn’t want to address conflict. So here’s the text convo:

Shane: Uncool not texting me back and uncool not spending time with me on my birthday weekend / possible one of the few opportunities I have before Seattle. But whatever man just figured I would tell you.

Mike: Shane...My Dude...I went to town and had an incredible time. You would’ve hated it. I didn’t want to interrupt my bliss to respond to the negativity. I had planned to meet up with you Sunday but after that text I didn’t really want to so I did what was best for me and continued doing my own thing. I am sorry that I missed your birthday weekend. This was my first pride and I lived it for me, hope you did the same. 

I was infuriated. I felt like he had blatantly disregarded my feelings yet again on the basis of his own happiness. Not for one second thinking how I was feelinv

Shane: You are one of my most selfish friends, your word means absolutely nothing, and I shouldn’t have expected anything less. I hope you had fun.

12 hours passed.

Shane: Sorry that was really intense. I’m just hurt and really wanted to see you. But that was uncalled for and I do apologize.

Mike: This is something I wrote this morning and was going to send to you in a couple days:

Shane, Believe it or not I care about you very much, which is why I am writing this. Someone has to say it but none of your friends are willing because they fear the backlash. Also this is not about pride weekend, this is just life in general. There world owes you nothing. You are not the center of the universe. You expect everyone to drop everything for you and then get irrationally angry and upset when they dont’t. In that heat, you begin a confrontation. This is draining for you and for the other person involved. You take that one problem and make it a problem for all your other friends by complaining to them, over and over. This builds more negativity between you and the friends you originally had no problems with. This is magnified when you ask for their input on an issue in which they were not originally involved. They will take your side even if they don’t agree with you because they don’t want to be the one you talk about next. In the instances where they do attempt to openly disagree with you, it is often met with a close mind because you are looking for validation, not assistance. 

Thos friends, although they still care about you, then have less of a desire to hangout with you because the negative energy begins to feel inevitable. They try to help you reach a more positive place, but eventually come to understand that it is you that needs to help yourself, and there is very little they can do. I have watched this pattern over and over again this past year, but have never said anything because it always seems like you have finally learned. You are very self aware, nothing i’ve said above is something you haven’t already said to me. But I just wanted you to hear it from someone else in hopes that next time you begin complaining you are able to catch yourself and understand that you are only fueling the negative vibes that you claim to so desperately want to escape. 

This does not warrant a response, I’m not looking to open a discussion, this is just my observations from living with you this past year. I hope you find them beneficial in the long run even if they are slightly infuriating at the moment. Please know that this does not discredit the fun times we have had together. I truly wish you nothing but happiness. 

So that’s a lot right? Right. But he’s not wrong. He’s totally not wrong. My negative energy does manifest itself in a lot of different and uninspiring ways. However - I was pretty solid this weekend in terms of this conflict. I didn’t bring it up often - I was just incredibly frustrated. And honestly there were better instances when this could have been discussed. Not when you bailed on me for the 100th time and almost seem to need to scapegoat you out of the conflict.

Anyway -

Shane: None of the things are wrong in the slightest. I 100% agree. However if we are being honest you do this thing where you will never commit. Whatsoever. You won’t commit to anything or anyone because you are driven on this complex idea of happiness that you haven’t really found yet. This makes small moments of bliss, like you stated above, take control of how you treat other people. Other people you said you were close to. 

When you initially stated you were not interested in clubbing, I didn’t argue. We bboth know that in itself is a stepping stone. I realized the idea of going out isn’t for everyone. However after getting over the hump of not seeing one of my really close friends, he skips the parade and then proceeds to go out anyway. And then refuses to respond when I am rightfully frustrated. 

So yes I agree with what you’re saying. I get it, and believe it or not I am working on it. But for you to see that i am working on it you need to look deep into yourself and recognize that you do have to do things you aren’t necessarily interested in to maintain friendships. 

You have bailed on me throughout this entire year in regards to most things. And we both know if you ask me to do something I would do it with you not because I am interested in said thing but because I want to spend time with you.

So in summary I have a lot to learn, and I need to have less backlash to people’s complaints, frustrations, whatever have you, but I need people to be open. 

So thank you for that. But don’t disregard your own faults in having me come to some enlightened truth. Because what you said is soemthing that needs to change, but this weekend, this example in particular is less prominent of a good example than past events this semester because I have been working on it, again, believe it or not.

Prioritize people in your life or you might lose them.

This was an important weekend for me. For me to see people I truly do love. Regardless of how you have felt my toxic energy manifest itself you should have sent this text message before bailing on me and ignoring me. And deep down I think you get that. And luckily enough I didn’t complain about this at all until your message back to me basically disreagrded all my feelings and just told me how swell of a time you had so I still had a really great weekend with the people who did come.

Regardless of if you respond or not thank you for telling me. Eddie and I actually had a conversation very similarly to almost exactly what you just said because I brought it up because I can feel it. I can see it happen. But again, every conflict isn’t based off one person. I perpetuate the conflict to last, but usually I am not the catalyst for it to begin. 

Anyway - if this is it since your message dauntingly acted as if we are never speaking again I wish you the best of luck as well. 

A lot, right?  It’s not that I don’t agree. I still do. I don’t think I expect everyone to give me the world, but my expectations are pretty high because I feel as if I do a pretty good job of being there for people I care about. And in this same light people don’t meet my expectations. Because people love, feel, and act very differently. 

So fourthly, have open dialogue. If you need validation. Say that.  And fifthly, negative energy is contagious. Complaining and venting are healthy ways to decompress but as is anything only if it’s in moderation. I need to learn to moderate these aspects of myself. 

Mike didn’t address the conflict at hand in that he always puts his happiness way above anyone else - even if it means hurting their feelings. I hope that he was able to understand that I did understand big picture, but within this specific weekend he needed to be a better friend. This idea of happiness is going to continue to float around his head, but if he continues to choose his own self-righteous idea of what happiness is supposed to be he will never be happy.