#i also miss my old friend groups
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high school joui 4 shenanigans
#deep breaths takasugi#the worst friend group you will ever know#only ones who can somehow tolerate each other#gintoki’s one worst quality is that he cannot shut the fuck up#i couldn’t stop thinking of them after watching daily lives of highschool boys and they’d get up to so much dumb shit actually#can you tell i kind of miss my high school days#i sound so old when i say that wtf im 19#painting has been a lot of fun lately i will not lie#but also college starts like. day after tomorrow im so cooked#GINTAMA OBSESSION PLEASE GET ME THROUGH ANOTHER TERM 🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽#i might draw some ginhiji stuff to accompany this later bc of course i will#i am nothing if not predictable to my audience#anyways#sakata gintoki#katsura kotarou#sakamoto tatsuma#takasugi shinsuke#joui 4#gintama#ok bye
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this is super random and unprompted but.... one of my fondest memories is when i was in high school and became super unwell from a PE class, my friends literally had to drag me to the infirmary. it was also a class right before lunchtime, so they bought food from the cafeteria for me. and when i couldn't eat any of it, they bought me hot tea with extra sugar and stayed with me throughout recess to make sure i was ok.
i miss them.
#rin rambles#ok maybe it's not that unprompted i just rewatched the whole kinich-mualani-kachina friendship moments in the aq and i was reminded of them#they were also the group of people who took notice of my interest in guitar and bought me one on my birthday#i love them all to this day#it's just sad that everyone went their different ways after high school and we're all so out of touch............#i miss them dearly. Truly.#treasure your friends#school is the easiest place to make friends i feel.#it just gets harder from there imo. making friends in uni is harder and in workplace is even harder#or maybe my ability to befriend people just diminishes over the years. who knows#either way i feel like making connections when you get older is harder because there are parts of you that has been molded and scarred and-#-maybe even broken beyond repair. And so trying to find someone who clicks well is just that much difficult.#oh dear. grandma is musing again huh. ignore this old woman hahah
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I mean wukong has to know how absolutely insane macaque is about him right!??? Right?
Oh god imagine if he didnt and made a comment regarding that, and absolutely everyone just stares at him
oh you mean Sun Wukong the Monkey King? the same guy who is known to struggle with communication and confront personal and vulnerable topics? the same guy who was not aware that his bestest and closest friend blamed him for many events that transpired between them until said bestie snapped? the same monkey who is constantly criticized and berated by MK’s closest friends/family and does nothing to refute it? the same Wukong who struggles to apologize to MK because he feared that his student (more than a student now, they’re friends, they could be family—) might also lash out or not give him a second chance to make up for it? the same Wukong who, despite being an incredibly observant guy, struggles with establishing amiable bonds with others?
that Wukong?
#I’ll say at best Wukong believes that he and Mac are currently at a truce#not enemies but not friends kind of deal#they can talk but the line is stiff and solid when it comes to what they talk about#at worst: Wukong believes that Macky still is not ok with him. sure he accepted his peach popsicle but that could be because Macky was#craving a snack or didn’t pick up on what swk was doing and took at surface value#i mean what is there to even fix? they’re relationship is leagues behind the one they had millenias ago……#…..it might be too late to even consider mending a torn up bond#but he’ll still try. baby steps is all#nothing to drastic. nothing too obvious. swk might miss macky and their old friendship but that doesn’t mean macky will or want to#in the end Macky helped save the universe because of MK and is only considering to be nice beCAUSE of MK#that’s all (<-SWK’s train of thought in my mind)#lmk#shadowpeach#lmk sun wukong#lmk six eared macaque#asks#anonymous#so unwell about this#also it would be so funny if swk voiced this aloud to the group lol#imma count this as a fic prompt
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When we talk about nostalgia we generally talk about our childhood, but what’s something fairly recent-ish you’re somehow already nostalgic for? 🌈
#in 2021 I started watching Game of Thrones with a friend/guy I was kind of seeing. I don't miss him or the rest of the friend group#but I get nostalgic for the drive to the city where he lived and how we'd drive around lisening to music and finding some place cool to eat#and then sit on the couch watching a show that was absolutely blowing my dragon-loving mind#also when animal crossing new horizons first came out in 2020 and I was off work and stuck in the apartment and would play AC and watch#old shows for hours#slightly further back but I get nostalgic for when I was like 20 and would stay up until like 3am playing Fallout 4#because it was the best thing I had in my life#additionally unrelated but the other day my BF and I were sitting on our patio feeding the geese and he put his arm around me and said#''we'll miss this one day''#and it made me smile because I say/think that all the time and he didn't know that
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figured out where my weird body image issue currently stems from. i'm in my mid 20s so i feel like i'm only supposed to be skinny i'm too young to be anything else and that's what sucks. i look at older people who aren't skinny and foam at the mouth but i feel like i'm not old enough to look like that yet so i Should Be Skinny. it's truly maddening and not at all fun
tags might be triggering
#delete later#weight talk#body image issues#it's like my brain is like you're not allowed to gain weight until you're past 30#why. go away. stop it.#how do i combat this. how do i do it#bc it's no longer 'you're not allowed to gain weight' it's 'you're not allowed to gain weight *yet*'#i'm Supposed to be bigger. i'm not Supposed to fit into clothes that were loose on me when i was a teenager and#not eating. it's good and healthy and fine that i'm bigger now#and that my medications are making me gain weight#that's fine. it's fine. it should be fine. But. apparently it's also very much not#how do i stop feeling like i looked so fucking good when i was skinnier#how do i stop feeling like that i don't know how to get out of it#i was only that small two years ago bc i was so stressed and sick my body was falling apart and i wasn't eating#but how do i stop missing that body. how do i stop missing the way it looked. how do i stop wanting to be back in that version of this body#i don't know how to navigate this#it's especially hard when i'm no longer the skinniest in our friend group#that is extremely difficult to deal with and flares the old ed up a lot
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im so overwhelmed with emotions rn /pos
#um so#im talking to this one classmate since we suddenly chatted out of the blue#and i asked him if he can send regards to his boys (also my old classmates who i was pretty close to for that gaming solidarity lmao)#and one of the boys ... was the boy who introduced me to pokemon#i think i will cry. slash gen. im so emotuional#he said in their group chat like “di man mo managad gud. barkada-barkada nato sauna” IM SO . IM GONNA CRY. IM SO GONNA CRY. IM SO#“you guys didnt believe me. she was definitely a part of us before”#this was because earlier they felt that i forgotten them BUT NO. NO I FUCKING MISS THEM. POKEMON BOY BELIEVED IN ME ASDDHADJFHSDJKGHDHSDKGS#SOMEONE HOLD ME RN I LOVE FRINEDS. I LOVE FRIENDSHIP. THIS IS IT THATS WHAT IM GTALKING ABOUTABBBYA#CRITICAL CHEERING MEME#AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA#aND POKEMON BOY SAID HELLO TO ME THROUGH THE FRIEND IM CHATTING WITH LEAEVASDFGJDFHGASJS AAAJDSADJKKGDSDG#GUYSSUGYSSGUSGUS#IM SO#IM NOT RESPONDING TO THE ASKS RN IM SORRY BUT WWWWWW AAALAKALSFS#HUHHUHUHUHUHUHUHU
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i'm genuinely terrified for how i'm going to get through my thesis and not even fore the usual reasons but mostly bc i don't have any classes which means that i now literally have no routine and no irl social contact (because i have a job and living situation where i don't have any social contact except short interactions) and i can already tell that's getting to me even though it's been like not even a month. literally someone come and get me
#half of my thesis group lives 2h+ away too so i get that they dont want to meet irl since our meetings are max 1.5h long#but i was really hoping i'd have something to get me out of my house :^( but alas#is this the moment i finally take up sewing lessons just so i'll have a group of ppl i see regularly.......#also literally all of my friends have busy lives or live far away so i've been trying to reach out but then the first time they can hang ou#is like november. or i'll reach out repeatedly and get ignored it's just hard!!!!#literally if you were a lonely 11 year old girl at one point you'll be a lonely 11 year old forever. anyway thats what you missed on ivicky#personal
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yearning so hard my tummy hurts
#im thinking abt the man who was supposed to be my life#and im thinking of the other man who hurt me in a way i cant parse#and im thinking of my years working as a waitress#and im thinking of my old friend group and nights on the porch#and its incredible how you can hate and miss something in equal measure#genuinely the worst years of my life. why do i miss it all so desperately#i think its the lonliness. but also im too weird and anxious to make new connections#its just. no going forward and no going back. stagnating. awful.
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drawpile (drawing with a friend)
2/17/2019
#astros old art#man...I miss drawing with others...#also unlike the commissions I still friends with this one :]#it'll be 8 years this june since I met them and most my main group#and it was all because of wii u mario kart lmao#I love all of them and I owe everyone so much but don't tell them any of that or they'll get big heads and end up teasing me </3
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♡
#starting to believe that maybe all this while i've been punishing myself by isolating myself from people who care abt me#like there have been times when i felt that friends just didnt care. also been times i felt too ashamed to ask for help or seek company#but i think i just gotta give myself grace like . i'm human. it's fine to seek platonic connection n a listening ear. it's Normal#anw so!! i met my best friend for yoga (for the first time!) yday n we talked SO MUCH!! we talked about life careers sexuality relationshi#i also told her about smth that has been plaguing me for two days. specifically my ex ahgkhgjgjns n . talking about it really helped me#what a shocker!!!! that talking about your worries n feelings helps!!! ksggfjsnjkgnjkndg#n i learnt so many new things about her... we usually meet in a group n it's always just a roulette of quick life nuggets#but yday i realised that i never really found out what she's really been up to. i've not had a one-to-one conversation with her in ages!!#thats crazy considering that we're such good friends.... omg. n so it really made me see how much i craved that connection#n how much i'm tormenting myself by isolating myself and depriving myself of the joy that i tend to get from deep social connections :(#n i think maybe it's time to start putting that past self who was too ashamed to reach out for help behind me#idk its been really nice talking to an old friend n being 100% comfortable u know?? it made me realise how much i missed deep connections#my point is i've missed this!!!!! maybe i should do it more!!!!!#personal
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making myself suffer looking thru ffxiv stuff on tumblr when i could be playing ffxiv rn but i eternally love and miss ffxiv
#⋯ ꒰ა starry thoughts ໒꒱ *·˚#Ough... oooooggghhhhh..........#unrelated but i will probably make my next theme mr leon kennedy bcs how iehehebfknsnd i am over him lately#is... kinda insane! silly <3#like. damn! damn. amidst darkest despair light everlasting.#ffxiv is so so so so so crazy from 1.0 to 6.0 and beyond and soon 7.x and and and#i miss raiding :( i miss my friends in ffxiv too. esp my best friend.#def will get back into raiding by the time 7.x ultimate comes out bcs GOD !!! god.#and okay pandaemonium & eden are my fav tiers aesthetic and story and fight wise#and memory wise bcs eden 9-12 was my first ever savage tier. meant a lot to me. still does#i played through that shit when i was . 14 y/o and newly 15 y/o LMFAO#and then pandaemonium just like. the year after. when i was 15 y/o... not even reaching 16. damn.#it's tough playing ffxiv when you're young but it's nice seeing more & more ppl around my age playing#even tho these guys most likely did Not start playing when they were like. 13/14 y/o. since i started on my bday LMFAO#it's crazy bcs i am playing w majority adults and maybe the occasional minor who is still like. at least almost an adult#^^ back then i mean bcs ok the closest friend i made when i was on eu was this guy 3 yrs older than me. that is already insane to me.#and my best friend since i'm now on oce is still a year older than me!#and it's silly (?) bcs eu i tried to hide my age at first but then they kinda found out bcs probably the way we r is just. too Different LOL#but i mean obvs it changed some stuff bcs it would be weird for probably 30 year old to be besties w a half their age kid#but the whole lil fc was just rlly sweet. :(( made a great friend i see as my big bro i am still friends w. that probably 30 y/o guy and the#kinda mom of the fc lowkey saw me & my twin as sweet kids. the person we got into xiv was like a big bro figure too and Damn his gf is rlly#cool! and the uni age students were super cool and fun to talk w. and the friends of my close friend who were also my friends were so fun.#i miss that but i look back on it all fondly ..... :3 and then w oce it's a bit more complicated bcs#i haven't had much time or opportunities to Find a group like that? but instead i found a best friend :((#rlly close in age and w similar likes and interests and personality..... etc etc etc.......#and separately the static i & my twin joined was. Funny lol! it's silly bcs we kinda had to hide we were lil 15 y/o kids w these guys who#were all at least uni. and all of these guys were def 20-30 y/o#and one guy liked making Daddy jokes (nothing bad tho LMFAO) bcs. hesperos sheesh!#silly bcs bunch of aussies and we were almost all miqos and Thankfully ye god one other filipino YAY !!!!!#anyway. max tags. so i love ffxiv man. i miss it always even when i'm playing it.
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hard day
i rush to get off work after a ~10 hr day and i get home and like. idk i don’t understand what people do. i dont like TV and it’s too cold and dark (very windy) to hike now and it’s like i just get home and i feel so lonely and under and overstimulated at the same time and just like. pass the time until bed wishing i wasn’t alone
#and just like staring down so many days ahead feeling alone#like frustratingly sapped by the day. already read some. dont have it in me to draw#i miss when my friends all lived in a house together i could just go over there and it was like never a thing it just was#or like in my old neighborhood i could walk around at night without getting harassed. or like. harassed significantly less#feels bad to go to the bar alone on a tuesday also? and like. not going to ride my bike in this weather#also the tues night crowd is weird and sparse#situation is a lot more complicated than that but like i miss having a big group of people i could be comfortable around. the spectacle#that it all was yknow?#i love my friends but olive lives 12 hours away and i have like 2 friends here i feel comfortable enough to relax around and everyone else#is wonderful but they all have each other more closely#like either by dating or living together and i just feel so on the outside of everything#i wish there was a universe where everything worked out better
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Did that fav pkmn thing on a whim and I'm sorry for all my babies I didn't choose bc I really like too many by some.
Love how it's mostly pretty ones and then there's clodsire. Even tho I got it in my team since the beginning of violet do I continuously forget its name bc I just call it by the nickname blobby (one of the rare times I didn't spend hours googling the perfect nickname but it nonetheless is a perfect one)
And for fun without any legendaries as fav
Reg nicknames I even write all down so I only spend decades once for each pkmn (unless I don't like the prev one anymore). Need to update that someday since it's mostly old revolution ones but hey. Blaze do I use for arcanine nowadays more and ninetails got others. Gardevoir got soteria nowadays which I prefer more. Etc.
#a wild lux appears#(made this in december but for whatev reason left it in drafts until now. prob bc I wanted to limit non important posting idk)#Maybe you think garchomp is there bc of other reasons but I use it since dpp bc cynthia made kid me go 'woah!'#I remember having looked up as a kid to cynthia and juniper a lot and that fact n reason behind it makes me also go yeah no I was a girl wh#one day decided to be happier otherwise. Bc the reason was 'oh wow female and cool so I can indeed be that :0' most importantly with junipe#bc I never cared for battles. ye ye ignore fictional professions I was like 8. reason I loath alola tbh I missed doing non battle side stuf#I vividly remember picking my first pkmn game up (hg) and just immediately going fuck being a trainer let me be a prof and it's so funny ho#my horrendous sieve brain has that laser ingrained. Sometimes still brainstorm and I would prob study ghost pkmn tbh who by sheer luck isn'#dead yet. That and maybe being v charismatic to that type idk. Why bc I like those lil fellas.#What I also find extremely funny is having went by sonia prior to swordshield and there being a prof sonia. Wish I still went by it when it#dropped. Imagine. Kid sonia wanting to be a prof and meeting swsh sonia being on her way to be one. I either would've made her my#personality (which I think I nonetheless did I think I changed my icons to her) or would've wildly shaking her going 'it should have been#meeee'. which ig I mentally do by every rival or friend group person that takes that route like take me w you I hate battles please. Insane#that only blueberry academy me start to hate em slightly less. After over a decade of battles. Ig alpharad's n others streams w nuzlockes n#all started to also show me the appeal of actually strategizing instead of brute forcing which I did.#*that only blueberry academy MADE me#Whatev. Also no I don't got anything else that another pkmn would kickstart talking abt. Just know I drag my 2013 xerneas everywhere w me#and it is a fucking crime that I can't throw it into violet. What is this. You clearly don't mind throwing others into regions they don't#belong to at all (which I personally really dislike hc lore wise but gameplay wise whatever let new trainers catch old legendaries)#To come back to fav pkmn yes I'm in the dragonair boat. I hate evolving mine. Dragonite is fine I like it standalone but I like the#aesthetic of dragonair more. Idfc abt logic or whatever this is aesthetic talk. Yes I prefer some fan evos more.#I keep wanting to play that fusion fangame and if you want to know what pkmn I like I found out I have a huge overlap w alpharad there#Which sucks for us both! We adore pkmn that get lewded the most and I hate my life. You do you idc some are humanoid I have to admit that#but I personally would prefer to not see any art or even just jokes abt ANY of that. Humanoid or not I Do Not See.#I don't block let alone report over that just. tag and don't bring that to my doorstep thx.#What I will at most block n judge is if you touch any of the kids idc in this franchise if they're just pixels.#Can you tell I am writing this close to midnight anyways this is all. This became like a completely dif post in the tags welp
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idk how to reconcile my new self with my old self. also i fucking hate waiting. GRAGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
#delete later#im getting a taste of my own medicine bc when im overwhelmed depressed etc i don’t even open emails or dms or whatever and then ifeel guilty#and let them build up and run away from them and literally do not reply for years. but ive been waiting for like 5 different but related#replies for 3ish days at this point and im soooooo impatient omg i want to bash my head into the wall.. and afaik no one i messaged has#opened the message despite being active online elsewhere which is EXACTLY what i do so i have no right to complain at all. but still. omggg#i just have a simple question (me and the ps5 voice) reply to my message boy#purrs#also.. ok yeah im gonna be honest about it even if there are consequences lol. idk why im on such a mission to get back all my old#characters but if i don’t i can and will go crazy. i don’t even do that kind of thing anymore and d*viantart is an irreversibly warped#landscape due in part to capitalism and in part to own mistakes and selfish actions. and i truly feel like my tumblr mutuals are the only#ones who understand me and feel safe and cozy on here. but i miss my old internet home. and i really miss my old internet friends and seeing#all the jokes we had and how we were all like interconnected w the same adopt groups and stuff and now we don’t even talk… it makes me so#sad and i feel weird messaging them just for the purpose of asking if they can give me back characters i gave them 4 years ago like a) you j#just don’t do that kind of thing i don’t think but b) it feels so transactional and would make the part of saying hey our friendship was#important to me when i was a teenager and even though we don’t talk anymore i think of you fondly and wish you well. like lollllll. and i#feel cringe even tracking them down / messaging them bc we are all jn our 20s now… embarrassing. but i am so mad at myself for letting those#friendships wither (not that i have the spoons to sustain them these days anyway but still) and for not keeping bettr track of my characters#when i sold them and for giving them up in the first place and for letting my old internet life just fall apart due to neglect bc it puts me#in a bind to try to piece it together again no matter how i try it and i shouldn’t try anyway. but i am so tempted to rn. lol#* itd make saying stuff abt appreciating friendship weird bc there’s a transaction tied in (source: i did this and feel weird and bad)#like the way i want to SCREAM seeing that dA ate all of the journals i made when i was a 14 year old and turned them into glitched polls. th#the way the wayback machine has terrible unreliable records of everything and i can never get some stuff back / track some stuff down. pain#anyways it’s stupid bc i feel cozy and listened to and as connected as i have the energy to be to all of u guys so why am i doing this. but#i miss the dA stuff too and i wish it wasn’t cringe and i wish i could have everything that’s ever been part of me all in one place. lol#also this doesn’t even take into account my poetry community on dA on my other account who i also felt so safe and cozy with and i abandoned#that too and lost touch with basically everyone even though we all knew each others deepest secrets for years.. the heartsickness of it all#anyways mutuals who knew me on deviantart i am clutching both your hands with impassioned urgency and kissing u on the cheeks. that’s all
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On: today i dreamt...
What started as a story about a group of gangster breaking into an abandoned (but not really?) prison to film their movie and being caught soon devolved into an international conspiracy filled with subplots about love and corruption, culminating with both groups that we thought were equally righteous finding out not everything was quite as it seems.
#luly talks#i had to run a man on all 4s to catch him it was great#movie-dream started about like torture with our protags being thrown into a container at first full of blood and missing limbs#but that soon got dropped w the only thing left of it being this one man who had part of his jaw and ribs falling/peeling off#and he had to lovers an old one who was kissing him and a new one#(a cop; too) who was looking at his naked for for the first time as he looked at the sea and sunset#and she slowly approached him before starting to kiss his somehow still bleeding wounds as he mourned the pain of being crucified#like that guy literally never showed up again#oh my god actually there was something aside from that there was a really fucked up sims world that just couldn't be real#and ended w marge and homer drowning i think (their house was underwater) and Maggie dying too as a nursery rhyme played#and there was also a random event of domestic violence#anyway about the movie-dream; it had something to do about the government making illnesses and having the cure but keeping it#and it was tied to reagan but we all were talking spanish (tbf movie-dream; could've been dubbed DKDHNSGD) and the reason why we realized#this was because a radio message of a british girl named sumthin like casey i think who had cancer or something#and basically the government knew and had the mediums to cure her but wouldn't do it#so in the end me and this girl who discovered this conspiracy and the other and og group who was doing fuck all i guess came back together#and at first my friend pretended to be all of our enemies (she was enemies w only one guy there) but then we turned on the guy#and as I guess revenge on the people who were supporting this goverment conspiracy and helping it instead of killing them we grabbed them#and flashed a weird scan light onto their eye which made em be infected#<- in dream this shit was cool as fuck ok?#and then everyone went on w their lives and in the bud#bus* ppl spoke w me and gave me food leftovers to help out those who needed em but it felt... awkward#like they were doing it out of fear instead of kindness y'know#oh btw i rode an helicopter 😁
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:( i feel so drained and empty today
#yesterday was really rough#yall know i was forced to quit winterguard well. i still am allowed to teach my old high school colorguard and we had a comp yesterday#the group that i used to be a part of was also there#seeing all my friends performing without me being a part of it was. really fucking painful#they were all nice to me but like. nothing will ever make this better.#they were all great they hugged me and let me cry and i miss them so much#had a huge scream cry sesh in my car after it was all over#i havent told the kids im not marching anymore and i just dont want to let them down#idk i feel like such a failure#and im going to have to see my winterguard group at every single competition that my kids go to#im dreading it i cant keep bawling at every show
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