#i also like the ones where dean is struggling to articulate his feelings and is scared about the magnitude of being in love with cas | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

impostoradult · 4 years

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Media Market Research (and why its undermining all the things you love)

Trying to understand what is dysfunctional about Hollywood is an epic task, and the answers are like the stars – arguably infinite. Hollywood is dysfunctional for literally more reasons than I could count.

But market research plays a fairly heavy role in its dysfunction (IMO) and the time has finally come for me to add my professional two cents about this issue. (This rant of mine has been building for a while, FYI. Hence why it is so...comprehensive. There is a tl;dr section towards the bottom, if you want the high level summary)

*** For the last 4+ years I’ve worked in the field of market research, almost exclusively with major media makers like Warner Bros., NBCU, AMC/BBCA, Viacom, FOX (before Disney acquired them), A+E, etc. (this past year I quit the job where I was doing this work for a variety of reasons, many of which will become clear as you keep reading, but I am still listed as a consultant on the company website): https://www.kresnickaresearch.com/who/ (Rachel)

And just for comparison, here is a Halloween selfie I took 4 years ago and posted on my blog, so you can see I am who I say I am.

I know a fair amount about how market research on major media franchises is conducted and how it influences production, and a lot of these choices can also be at least somewhat tied back to the massive flaws in the market research industry and its impact. *** First, at the highest level, you need to understand market research in general is not well-conducted much of the time. Even the people doing a reasonably good job at it are VERY limited in doing it well because of financial constraints (clients don’t want to spend more than they have to), time constraints (clients want everything done as fast as humanely possible) and just the inherent problems within the industry that are decades old and difficult to fix. For example, all market research ‘screens’ participants to make sure they qualify to participate (whether it is a mass survey, a focus group, a one-on-one interview, etc.). So, we screen people based on demographics like race, gender, age, household income, to get representative samples. But people are also screened based on their consumption habits. You don’t want to bring someone into a focus group about reality TV if they don’t watch reality TV. They aren’t going to have anything useful to say.

However, a lot of the people who participate in market research have made a ‘side-gig’ out of it and they know how to finesse the process. Basically, they’ve learned how to lie to get into studies that they aren’t a good match for because most market research is paid, and they want the money. So, a lot of TV and film market research is being done on people who don’t actually (or at least don’t regularly) watch those shows or movies or whatever but have learned how to lie well enough in these screening processes to make it through. And because of the aforementioned time and money issue, clients don’t want to spend the time or money to actually find GOOD participants. They just accept that as an inevitable part of the market research process and decide not to let it bother them too much. So, a fair number of the people representing YOU as a media consumer are people who may not be watching Supernatural (for example) at all or who watch a rerun occasionally on TNT but haven’t been watching consistently or with ANY amount of investment whatsoever. You can see why that creates very skewed data. But that’s just the tip of the skewed iceberg. *** Second, media market research is conducted in line with the norms of market research more broadly, and this is a huge problem because media is a very atypical product. How people engage with media is far more complex and in depth than how they engage with a pair of jeans, a car, or a coffee maker. There are only so many things that matter to people when it comes to liking or not liking a coffee maker, for example. Is it easy/intuitive to use? How much space does it take it on my counter? How expensive is it? Does it brew the coffee well? Maybe does it match my décor/kitchen aesthetic? Can I make my preferred brand of coffee in it? The things you as a consumer are going to care about when it comes to a coffee maker are limited, fairly easy to anticipate in advance, and also easy to interpret (usually). How people mentally and emotionally approach MEDIA? Whole other universe of thing. Infinitely more complex. And yet it is studied (more or less) as if it is also a coffee maker. This is one of the many reasons I decided to leave the media market research field despite my desire to have some ability to positively influence the process. As so often seems to be the case, I fought the law and the law won. I could never make the other people I worked with in the industry understand that the questions they were asking were not all that useful a lot of the time and they weren’t getting to the heart of the matter. They were just following industry standards because they didn’t know any better and none of them want to admit they don’t REALLY know what they’re doing. Which leads me to point 3. *** Most of the people doing this research don’t have any expertise in media or storytelling specifically. They are typically trained as social scientists in the fields of psychology, anthropology, sociology, or math/statistics. And many of them do not have any kind of specialization or education in media/storytelling beyond the English classes they took in high school and the one Media Studies course they took as an elective in college. Most of them have a very unsophisticated understanding of narrative structure, thematics, tropes, subtext, etc. They mainly think in terms of genres at the VERY broadest level. Also, not infrequently, they don’t watch or have much knowledge of the shows they are supposed to be doing research on, beyond what they’ve read on IMDb or Wikipedia or what is generally common knowledge. Unless they by chance happen to watch the shows themselves (which often they don’t) they often know very little about the shows they are crafting these questions about. Again, partly because they think it is like the coffee maker, and you don’t need to understand it in any depth to research it. (I know this must sound insane to you as avid media consumers, but that is the general attitude among those who do market research) There is such a lack of sophistication in how people in the business side of the industry understand media and storytelling. Most of them are either MBAs or social scientists and their training has not prepared them to examine fictional works with the kind of depth that people in the Humanities (who are specifically trained to study texts) have. Somehow, despite the fact that the Humanities is all about understanding texts, that is the one discipline they make almost no use of in the business side of Hollywood. And boy howdy does it show. *** Point 4 – average consumers CANNOT ARTICULATE WHY THEY LIKE THINGS. Particularly media things. I know this sounds condescending, but it is my honest observation. It is unbelievably hard to get people to have enough self-awareness to explain why they actually like things, especially things as mentally and emotionally complex as media. What typically happens when you ask people why they like a TV show or movie, for example? They will tell you what they most NOTICE about the TV show or movie, or what is distinctive to them about it (which may or may not have anything to do with what they actually LIKE about it). They will say things like “I like the genre”, “I think it’s funny”, “The car chases are exciting”, “I want to see the detective solve the puzzle.” Sometimes you can get them to talk about what they find relatable about it, if you push them a little. But often they leave it at either the level of literal identity (young black woman), basic personality traits (she’s a social butterfly and so am I) or situations they’ve personally experienced (I relate to this story of a man losing his father to cancer because I lost a close family member to cancer). But the vast, vast, vast majority of them can’t go to the deeper level of: a) Why X representation of a young black woman feels accurate/authentic/relatable and Y representation doesn’t b) Why it matters to me that X,Y,Z aspects of my personality, identity, experience get reflected in media whereas I don’t really care about seeing A,B,C aspects of my personality, identity, or experience reflected in media c) How and why they are relating to characters when they can’t see the literal connection between their identity/experience and the character’s identity/experience. (For example, many people have argued that women often relate to Dean Winchester because a lot of his struggles and past negative experiences are more stereotypical of women – being forced to raise a younger sibling on behalf of an actual parent, being seen and treated as beautiful/sexually desirable but vacuous/unintelligent, his body being treated as an instrument for a more powerful group to quite literally possess, etc. Part of the reason Supernatural has always been such a mystery/problem for the CW and Warner Bros is they could never crack the code at this level. Never.) Part of the reason they can’t crack these codes is average people CANNOT give you that kind of feedback in a survey or a focus group, or even an in-depth interview (much of the time). They just don’t have the self-awareness or the vocabulary to get it at that level. Let alone asking them to articulate why Game of Thrones is compelling to them in an era where wealth disparity is creating a ruling class that is fundamentally incompetent at maintaining a just/functional society, which is especially concerning at this particular moment, given the existential threat we face due to climate change. And the truth is, that IS part of what people – even average people – are responding to in Game of Thrones. But what they’ll tell you when you do market research on it is: they like the dragons, they like the violence, they relate to Tyrion Lannister being a smart mouth, maybe they’ll say they like the moral ambiguity of many of the conflicts (if they are more sophisticated than average). But the ‘Dean Winchester is heavily female coded despite his veneer of ultra-masculinity’ or the ‘Game of Thrones is a prescient metaphor for the current political dynamics and fissures of modern western society’ is the level you ACTUALLY need to get to. And most market research can’t get you that because the people ASKING the questions don’t know what to ask to get to this level, and most of the respondents couldn’t give you the answers even IF you were asking them the right questions (which usually you are not) And I’m not saying average people are dumb because they can’t do this. But it requires practice, it requires giving the matter a great deal of in-depth thought, and most people just don’t care enough about it to do that while taking a market research survey. (I know this is going to feel counter-intuitive to people on Tumblr. But you have to remember, you are NOT average media consumers. You are highly atypical media consumers who have far more self-awareness and a much more sophisticated engagement with media than the average person watching TV. If you didn’t, you probably wouldn’t be here talking about it in the first place) Point 4.1 – People also lie/misrepresent their own experiences to market researchers because they want to maintain certain self-narratives. You have no idea how many people would get disqualified from our surveys for saying they watched less than 5 hours of TV a week. And sure, that might actually be true for a few of them. But if you watch TV with any regularity at all (which most people in modern America do) you probably watch more than 5 hours a week. The problem is, people think it makes them sound lazy to say they watch 15-20 hours a week, even though that’s about 2-3 hours a day (which actually isn’t THAT high). People lie and misrepresent their behaviors, thoughts and feelings because it can be socially uncomfortable to admit you do what you actually do or feel how you actually feel, even in the context of an anonymous survey, let alone a focus group or a one-on-one interview. People want to make themselves look good to THEMSELVES and to the researchers asking them questions. But that makes the market research data on media (and lots of other things) very questionable. For example, one finding we saw more than once in the surveys I was involved in conducting was people would radically downplay how much the romance elements of a story mattered to them, even large portions of female respondents. When we would ask people in surveys what parts of the story they were most invested in, romances ALWAYS came out among the lowest ranked elements. And yet, any passing familiarity with fandom would tell you that finding is just WRONG. It’s wrong. People are just flat out lying about how much that matters to them because of the negative connotations we have around being invested in romance. And never mind the issue of erotic/sexual content. (I don’t mean sexual identity here, I mean sexy content). The only people who will occasionally cop to wanting the erotic fan service is young men (and even they are hesitant to do so in market research) and women frequently REFUSE to admit that stuff in market research, or they radically downplay how much it matters to them and in what ways. There is still so much stigma towards women expressing sexuality in that way. Not to mention, you have to fight tooth and nail to even include question about erotic/sexual content because oftentimes the clients don’t even want to go there at all, partly because it is awkward for everyone involved to sit around crafting market research questions to interrogate what makes people hot and bothered. That’s socially awkward for the researchers doing the research and the businesspeople who have to sit in rooms and listen to presentations about why more women find Spock sexier than Kirk. (Which was a real thing that happened with the original Star Trek, and the network couldn’t figure out why) Aside from people not have enough deeper level self-awareness to get at what they really like about media content, they also will lie or misrepresent certain things to you because they are trying to maintain certain self-narratives and are socially performing that version of themselves to researchers. *** Point 5 – Qualitative data is way more useful for understanding people’s relationships to media. However, quantitative data is way more valued and relied upon both due to larger market research industry standards and because quantitative data is just seen as harder/more factual than qualitative data. A lot of media market research involves gathering both qualitative and quantitative data and reporting jointly on both. (Sometimes you only do one or the other, depending on your objectives, but doing both is considered ‘standard’ and higher quality). However, quantitative data is heavily prioritized in reporting and when there is a conflict between what they see in qualitative versus quantitative data, the quant data is usually relied upon to be the more accurate of the two. This is understandable to an extent, because quantitative surveys usually involve responses from a couple thousand participants, whereas qualitative data involves typically a few dozen participants at most, depending on whether you did focus groups, individual interviews, or ‘diaries’/ethnography. The larger sample is considered more reliable and more reflective of ‘the audience’ as a whole. However, quantitative surveys usually have the flattest, least nuanced data, and they can only ever reflect what questions and choices people in the survey were given. In something like focus groups or individual interviews or ethnographies, you still structure what you ask people, but they can go “off script.” They can say things you never anticipated (as a researcher) and can explain themselves and their answers with more depth. In a survey, participants can only “say” what they survey lets them say based on the questions and question responses that are pre-baked for them. And as I’ve already explained, a lot of times these quantitative surveys are written by people with no expertise in media, fiction, or textual analysis, and so they often are asking very basic, not very useful questions. In sum, the data that is the most relied upon is the least informative, least nuanced data. It is also the MOST likely to reflect the responses of people who don’t actually qualify for the research but have become good at scamming the system to make extra money. With qualitative research, they are usually a little more careful screening people (poorly qualified participants still make it through, but not as often as with mass surveys, where I suspect a good 35% of participants, at least, probably do not actually qualify for the research and are just working the system).

Most commonly, when market research gets reported to business decision-makers, it highlights the quantitative data, and uses the qualitative data to simply ‘color in’ the quantitative data. Give it a face, so to speak. Qualitative data is usually supplemental to quant data and used more to make the reports ‘fun’ and ‘warm’ because graphs and charts and stats by themselves are boring to look at in a meeting. (I’m not making this up, I can’t tell you how many times I was told to make adjustments on how things were reported on because they didn’t want to bore people in the meeting). (Sub-point – it is also worth noting that you can’t report on anything that doesn’t fit easily on a power point slide and isn’t easily digestible to any random person who might pick it up and read it. The amount of times I was told to simplify points and dumb things down so it could be made ‘digestible’ for a business audience, I can’t even tell you. It was soul crushing and another reason I stopped doing this job full time. I had to make things VERY dumb for these business audiences, which often meant losing a lot of the point I was actually trying to make) Point 5.1 – Because of the way that representative sampling works, quantitative data can be very misleading, particularly in understanding audience/fandom sentiments about media. As I’m sure most of you know, sampling is typically designed to be representative of the population, broadly speaking. So, unless a media company is specifically out to understand LGBTQ consumers or Hispanic/Latinx consumers, it will typically sample using census data as a template and represent populations that way. Roughly 50/50 male/female. Roughly even numbers in different age brackets, roughly representative samplings of the racial make-up of the country, etc. (FYI, they do often include a non-binary option in the gender category these days, but it usually ends up being like 5 people out of 2000, which is not enough of a sample to get statistical significance for them as a distinct group) There is a good reason to do this, even when a show or movie has a disproportionately female audience, or young audience. Because they need enough sample in all of the “breaks” (gender, race, age, household income, etc.) to be able to make statistically sound statements about each subgroup. If you only have 35 African American people in your sample of 1000, you can’t make any statistically sound statements about that African American cohort. The sample is just too small. So, they force minimums/quotas in a lot of the samples, to ensure they can make statistically sound statements about all the subgroups they care about. They use ratings data to understand what their audience make up actually is. (Which also has major failings, but I’ll leave that alone for the minute) With market research, they are not usually looking to proportionately represent their audience, or their fandom; they are looking to have data they can break in the ways they want to break it and still have statistically significant subgroups represented. But that means that when you report on the data as a whole sample – which you often do – it can be very skewed towards groups who don’t make up as large a portion of the show’s actual audience, or even if they do, they don’t tend to be the most invested, loyal, active fans. Men get weighted equally to women, even when women make up 65% of the audience, and 80% of the active fandom. Granted, they DO break the data by gender, and race, and age, etc. and if there are major differences in how women versus men respond, or younger people versus older people, they want to know that...sometimes. But here’s where things get complex. So, if you are doing a sample of Supernatural viewers. And you do the standard (US census-based) sampling on a group of 2000 respondents (a pretty normal sample size in market research). ~1000 are going to be female. But with something they call “interlocking quotas” the female sample is going to be representative of the other groupings to a degree. So, the female sample will have roughly equal numbers of all the age brackets (13-17, 18-24, 25-34, etc.). And it will have roughly 10% non-heterosexual respondents, and so on. They do this to ensure that these breaks aren’t too conflated with each other. (For example, if your female sample is mostly younger and your male sample is mostly older, how do you know whether it is the gender or the age that is creating differences in their responses? You don’t. So, you have to make sure that all the individual breaks (gender, race, age) have a good mix of the other breaks within them, so groups aren’t getting conflated) But what that means is, Supernatural, whose core fandom is (at a conservative guess) 65% younger, queer, women, gets represented in a lot of statistical market research sampling as maybe 50-100 people, in a 2000-person survey. 50-100 people can barely move the needle on anything in a 2000-person survey. Furthermore, usually in the analysis of data like this, you don’t go beyond looking at 2 breaks simultaneously. So you may look at young female respondents as a group, or high income male respondents, or older white respondents, but you rarely do more than 2 breaks combined. And the reason for that is, by the time you get down to 3 breaks or more (young, Hispanic, women) you usually don’t have enough sample to make statistically significant claims. (It also just takes longer to do those analyses and as I explained in the beginning, they are always rushing this stuff). To do several breaks at a time you’d have to get MUCH larger samples, and that’s too expensive for them. And again, I want to stress, this type of sampling isn’t intended to sinisterly erase anyone. Kind of the opposite. It is intended to make sure most groups have enough representation in the data that you can make sound claims about them on the subgroup level. The problem is that it can create a very skewed sense of their overall audience sentiment when they take the data at ‘face value’ so to speak, and don’t weight segments based on viewership proportion, or fandom engagement, etc. Point 5.2 – Which leads me to my next point, which is that fandom activity that doesn’t have a dollar amount attached to it doesn’t make you a ‘valuable’ segment in their minds. One of the breaks they ALWAYS ask for in data like this is high income people, and people who spend a lot of MONEY on their media consumption. And they do prioritize those people’s responses and data quite a bit. And guess what – young women aren’t usually high-income earners, and although some of them are high spenders on media, high spending on media and media related merch skews toward higher income people just because they HAVE more disposable income. Older white men are usually the highest income earners (absolutely no surprise) and they are more likely in a lot of cases to report spending a lot on the media they care about. Having expendable income makes you more important in the eyes of people doing market research than if you’ve spent every day for the last 10 years blogging excessively about Supernatural. They don’t (really) care about how much you care. They care about how much money you can generate for them. And given that young audiences don’t watch TV live anymore, and they give all their (minimal) expendable income to Netflix and Hulu, you with your Supernatural blog and your 101 essays about Destiel is all but meaningless to many of them (from a business standpoint) Now, some of them kind of understand that online fandom matters to the degree that fandom spreads. Fandom creates fandom. But if the fandom you are helping to create is other young, queer women with minimal income who only watch Supernatural via Netflix, well, that’s of very limited value to them as well. I don’t want to suggest they don’t care about you at ALL. Nor do I want to suggest that the “they” we are talking about is even a cohesive “they.” Different people in the industry have different approaches to thinking about fandom, consumer engagement and strategy, market research and how it ought to be understood/used, and so on. They aren’t a monolith. BUT, they are, at the end of the day, a business trying to make money. And they are never going to place the value of your blogging ahead of the concrete income you can generate for them. (Also, highly related to my point about people lying, men are more likely to SAY they have higher incomes than they do, because it’s an ego thing for them. And women are more likely to downplay how much money they spend on ‘frivolous’ things like fandom because of the social judgement involved. Some of the money gender disparity you see in media market research is real, but some of it is being generated by the gender norms people are falsely enacting in market research– men being breadwinners, women wanting to avoid the stereotype of being frivolous with money) *** In sum/tl;dr: Point 1 – Market research in general is not well conducted because of a variety of constraints including time, money, and the historical norms of how the industry operates (e.g., there being a large subsection of almost professionalized respondents who know how to game the system for the financial incentives) Point 2 – Media is a highly atypical kind of product being studied more or less as if it were equivalent to a coffeemaker or a pair of jeans. Point 3 – Most of the people studying media consumption in the market research field have no expertise or background in media, film, narrative, storytelling, etc. They are primarily people who were trained as social scientists and statisticians, and they aren’t well equipped to research media properties and people’s deeper emotional attachment and meaning-making processes related to media properties. Point 4(etc.) – Average consumers typically don’t have enough self-awareness or the vocabulary to explain the deep, underlying reasons they like pieces of media. Furthermore, when participating in market research, people lie and misrepresent their thoughts, behaviors, and emotional responses for a variety of reasons including social awkwardness and preserving certain self-narratives like “I’m above caring about dumb, low-brow things like romance.” Point 5 (etc.) – Quantitative data is treated as way more meaningful, valuable, and ‘accurate’ than qualitative data, and this is a particular problem with media market research because of how varied and complex people’s reactions to media can be. Also, the nature of statistical sampling, and how it is done, can massively misrepresent audience sentiments toward media and fail to apprehend deeper fandom sentiments and dynamics. There is also a strong bias towards the responses of high income/high spending segments, which tend to be older and male and white. Side but important point – Research reports are written to be as entertaining and digestible as possible, which sounds nice in theory, but in practice it often means you lose much of the substance you are trying to communicate for the sake of not boring people or making them feel stupid/out of their depth. (Because god forbid you make some high-level corporate suit feel stupid) *** What can be done about this? Well, the most primary thing I would recommend is for you to participate in market research, particularly if you are American (there’s a lot of American bias in researching these properties, even when they have large international fanbases). However, some international market research is done and I recommend looking into local resources for participation, where ever you are. If you are American, there are now several market research apps you can download to your smart phone and participate in paid market research through (typically paid via PayPal). Things like dscout and Surveys On the Go. And I know there are more. You should also look into becoming panelists for focus groups, particularly if you live near a large metropolitan area (another bias in market research). Just Google it and you should be able to figure it out fairly easily. Again, it is PAID, and your perspective will carry a lot more weight when it is communicated via a focus group or a dscout project, versus when it is shouted on Twitter. However, that’s merely a Band-Aid on the bigger issue, which I consider to be the fact that businesspeople think the Humanities is garbage, even when they make their living off it. There is virtually no respect for the expertise of fictional textual analysis, or how it could help Hollywood make better content. And I don’t know what the fix is for that. I spent 4 years of my life trying to get these people to understand what the Humanities has to offer them, and I got shouted down and dismissed so many times I stopped banging my head against that wall. I gave up. They don’t listen, mostly because conceding to the value of deep-reading textual analysis as a way to make better content would threaten the whole system of how they do business. And I mean that literally. So many people’s jobs, from the market researchers to the corporate strategists to the marketing departments to the writers/creatives to the C-level executives, would have to radically shift both their thinking and their modes of business operation and the inertia of ‘that’s the way it’s always been done’ is JUST SO POWERFUL. I have no earthly idea how to stop that train, let alone shift it to an entirely different track. BTW, if you want the deeper level of analysis of why I can’t stop rewatching Moneyball now that it’s been added to Netflix, the above paragraph should give you a good hint

#market research #Hollywood #media studies

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castielcommunism · 3 years

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very curious — how do you feel abt the idea that cas always knew that dean loved him, or realized it at a certain point before s15? i know that’s not what you’re aiming for in your fics at all, but i’m wondering if you think that interpretation of canon is compelling at all

I don’t generally read Cas that way, no. Part of the central appeal of destiel for me is that they’re both convinced the other one doesn’t love them back In That Way. I think Cas realises his love first and then almost immediately dismisses the possibility Dean could love him back, and I don’t think that would change even if he was aware Dean was attracted to men - the problem is that Cas doesn’t think Dean could ever love him in particular. Like Cas’s central tragedy is that he rebelled against Heaven, which was made possible because he fell in love with Dean, a man who calls him friend and brother. I don’t think there would ever be a situation in canon where Cas was aware Dean was also in love with him and he wouldn’t pursue that. Like to me they don’t read as a couple who are aware of one another’s feelings but external circumstances keep them apart - the reason they aren’t together is because of internal conflicts within themselves (which is a broader consequence of Cas’s struggle to understand Dean & to express his own needs, as well as Dean’s inability to articulate his own desires).

I’m not saying that situation could never happen (I haven’t read any fic with that premise or thought about it that much), but personally I don’t read their relationship or Cas that way.

#deancas.txt #cas.txt #asks

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norahastuff · 4 years

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Just one more post about why the “Cas’ love is unrequited” thing makes no sense, and then I’ll shut up about it. The thing is, Dean and Cas have always been the same thing to each other, so why all of a sudden would that change? Let’s play a game: I’ll list a bunch of things that have textually happened on this show between two characters, let’s call them Fred and Daphne, and you tell me if you can figure out which one of them is Fred and which is Daphne.

So how does Fred see Daphne?

As friends? Yes above all else they are best friends. Daphne’s the best friend he’s ever had.

Kindred spirits? Battle tested companions? Trusted confidantes? Absolutely. Daphne’s proved many times over that he is all these things.

Daphne is someone he forged a bond with almost immediately and recognised how despite being from completely different worlds (dimensions really) how similar they really were. They understood each other in a way that no one else ever really did. Even when it made no sense to trust him or open up to him, he did it anyway.

Fred has very complicated feelings for Daphne, feelings he could never really articulate but feelings he recognised were different to anything else he’d ever felt for someone before. It was just different with him. And as a result of not being able to properly communicate these feelings both to Daphne as well as to himself it often led to misunderstandings and to Daphne not knowing where he stood with him.

Fred wanted things from Daphne that he didn’t think he could ever give him and at times that got incredibly frustrating. Unbeknownst to him though, that’s exactly how Daphne felt too. He just wanted Fred to say it to him. And oftentimes was dealing with his own struggles with duty, desire, self worth and what he believed he deserved.

How about no matter how intense and mired in pain, duty or darkness he was, just the sound of Fred’s voice saying something so quintessentially Fred made Daphne smile? A moment of peace in the midst of all the intensity. Not an isolated phenomenon but rather something that happened over and over again, to the point where really it was just their role in the other’s life.

Fred wanting Daphne to want to stay. Daphne wanting Fred to want him to stay. Ridiculousness all around.

Beings from every dimension remarking on how Fred and Daphne feel about each other and in fact only claiming it’s unrequited when they’re trying to play on Fred’s insecurities and trying to get him to give up on Daphne.

Fred defending Daphne’s actions when other people couldn’t understand him. Because he did. Even when he was hurting because of the things Daphne was doing, he still understood him. He saw him - they saw each other more clearly than anyone else ever did. In fact the only time he didn’t quite understand him was in relation to how Daphne felt about him, or rather just how deeply he felt about him. I think he understood the general feelings just not quite their magnitude and intensity.

One of his most significant emotional arcs in the final season being to finally untangle how he felt about Daphne and to stop dancing around the issues they’d been steadfastly refusing to address for so many years. Issues that would be raised but then pushed aside either because there was bigger life and death, duty related stuff to deal with or because they were too complicated and it was simpler to just not look to closely at them. They were doing fine with things staying unspoken between them for so long. Except they weren’t and they couldn’t. The box was open now and they couldn’t go back to the way it was before. He had to say it, he needed to say it.

Ok I’m going to stop now, but we all know I could have kept going with more and more examples if I’d wanted to. So do you want to take a guess at who’s Daphne and who’s Fred? Yeah exactly, it doesn’t matter because every single one of these things applies to both of them. Dean and Cas have each been the Fred to the others’ Daphne in every single one of these scenarios. Also of note - not one of the things on that list is me reading into things or deeply veiled subtext - it’s all just stuff that happened on the show.

Anyone trying to claim this is an unrequited story is really going to have to give me a better explanation than “Dean didn’t say it back.” The confession (and the finale I guess) don’t exist in a vacuum. They’re preceded by 12 years of character development and emotional interactions that point to them both seeing each other the same way.

And if you were someone who saw their bond as purely platonic, well I honestly don’t know how considering all of the above as well as things I didn’t mention like mixtapes, endless romantic tropes not to mention the very direct and not at all subtle paralleling of them to the explicitly romantic main heterosexual relationship in the final season between Sam and Eileen, but fine if you saw it as platonic, again I could buy that but it would have to go both ways. Except by Cas unambiguously saying he was in love with Dean, unless you go through some truly ridiculous mental gymnastics, basic deduction skills dictate that Dean feels the same way.

The argument against Dean and Cas never really revolved around an unrequited reading. The argument was “you’re delusional, there’s nothing romantic there just broship.” It’s textual now that there was romance and I personally don’t see any reason to let the narrative be shifted by people who were never going to admit they were wrong to shut down anyone who believed even the potential for that existed in the story. It’s pointless.

(Usual disclaimer that none of this is me excusing or even trying to make sense of the baffling decision not to have Dean and Cas meet again, or for Dean to not even acknowledge Cas’ importance, both to him personally as well as to the story.)

TLDR: Dean said it best when he carved it into the counter in his dream bar

#destiel #my spn thoughts #long post #spn #hi yes please stop throwing unrequited around #it makes me rant

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antigonewinchester · 2 years

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i’d ask all of these if i could, but let’s go with 12, 13 (one/all of the winchesters), 16 AND a free choice!

hi! and thank you <33

12. Is there an unpopular arc that you like that the fandom doesn’t? Why?

Is it cheating to say season 6? Dean/Lisa is clearly doomed but offers a glimpse into a softer life Dean might have had. Dean trying to be Ben’s dad and failing is a compelling look at how Dean could be like John, making some of the same mistakes. Cas’s antagonistic turn is a great character choice, and I like how it continues the questioning of angels as a force for “good.” soulless Sam is so low key funny.

13. Unpopular opinion about XXX character?

I’ll talk about Sam and Dean together, since it’s a bit about how they contrast with each other: I read Dean as much more honest with what he’s feeling & what he wants as compared to Sam. Dean, it strikes me, can probably name what his emotions: grief, anger, depression, etc., where as I see Sam as struggling more with naming what he feels. Dean can often articulate his wants, too, but he doesn’t always then pursue them like Sam does. I really think of the exchange with Veritas in 06x06, where Dean says he wants out of hunting but that just isn't possible because what he's good at is hunting & killing. Compare this dark honesty to Sam’s resistance to getting back into hunting in season 1, and even season 8, both seasons where he talks about wanting a normal life while also really enjoying hunting. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that Sam’s demon blood fears return in season 8 when it hasn’t been part of the narrative for a while. In both these seasons, I think Sam partially mistakes his desire to be “normal” as a desire for a “normal life,” which isn’t quite the same thing.

16. If you could change anything in the show, what would you change?

Godstiel should have been the season 7 Big Bad. such a waste to only have him in the first ep of season 7.

sometimes I really wonder about the show that SPN would have been if it'd gotten a full season 3, with Sam saving Dean from Hell (despite how much I love that storyline!). introducing angels and then the Apocalypse took the story in a much more epic direction, but also turned it into something more fantasy-esque, and the smaller scale family horror drama of season 1 - 3 is my favorite, tbh.

and the wildcard...

5. Has fandom ever ruined a pairing for you?

I was going to say Destiel here, but that's not actually completely true. I'm definitely not a fan of the more mainstream fandom, ~epic romance Destiel, because 1) I'm not usually into epic romances ship-wise, and 2) the epic (b)romance of the show is Sam & Dean, and trying to fit Dean/Cas into that same bucket doesn't appeal to me. however, I do think Dean/Cas is quite compelling as a ship when it hues closer to their canon dynamic, and in some ways because the fandom consensus is so removed from canon, there's a ton to explore in looking at their dynamic as more directly presented in the show.

(salty ask list here)

#nohomemovie #ask game #sam #dean #dean & cas

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chrrispine · 3 years

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Hey, so this is going to be really controversial. For Jensen to portray a bisexual character, there is a lot of stigmas I think for actors to portray bisexual characters, especially when you look at TV shows in terms of sci-fi/fantasy, there were only 8 (in 2008) shows that actually had queer characters (half of which were created by Russel T David - bless his soul). If you look at documentaries such as visible on television, it gives you a more broadened representation and how much Hollywood in general needs to improve upon. Hollywood is unfortunately homophobic.

As said earlier, Jensen used probably so shut off or disagreed with destiel that it would jeopardise his career in that it would risk him stereotyped. On the other hand, Misha may have been more open about it as he has other careers, e.g. poet, running a charity, etc. This was difficult for me to articulate, so I'm happy to send another ask if you don't understand it exactly. I think it's also got a lot to do with Hollywood's deep-seated homophobia. The CW is also not a very good space for representation in general, as we have already lately. Additionally, LGBT representation has only been a thing in the recent years since the 2010s; that's like a decade ago, not very long. This doesn't excuse the fact in how destiel played out how it did in s15, but to put it into context, had the writers been more open-minded and went with what would have been narratively correct and not retconned anything, then the series finale had been satisfying.

Even though I'm contradicting myself here, On also feels like it's far easier now for actors to portray bisexual characters than 10 years ago. Characters back then, if they were considered bisexual, it'd be ambiguous, or it would be through some sort of negative light. If you look at earlier TV, there would be gay jokes where being gay was a pun or a joke, so that scene where Dean thinks he has a gay thing with Aaron Bass, but it turns out that Aaron was just following him. Nowadays, that wouldn't be funny or used in a funny light but more to show that the character in that situation is m/m. This is why we interpret it that way.

When we look at all the gay references from earlier seasons, they were meant to be puns or jokes. I'm not saying Dean being bi isn't valid because it is, and he is very much bisexual. No one can convince me otherwise. I'm saying that the writers are very outdated, and to have only maybe one or two writers that are very much pro destiel isn't enough for Dean to be treated the way we would have wanted. I think it really boils down to that these writers were quite outdated, and I think there seems to be a thing that writers struggle with writing LGBT characters for whatever reason. It's almost as if they have to use stereotypes to show that that person is LGBT etc. Maybe had they gotten a more diverse set of writers or cut down on the number of writers were in the writing room (as Mark S said, too many writers makes characters OOC). There would have been more consistent writing and maybe more discussion on how exactly a character arc would play out rather than plot. I think the problem with supernatural post s5 is that it was very much plot-driven rather than character-driven. Yes, you have Castiel becoming human, Sam taking on the trials or Dean taking the mark of Cain, but it was all more for the greater plot rather than the characters themselves. Had the show been more character-driven, we would have not gotten the ending we had gotten. Had they not spoken with some guy who created the front and left 10 years ago, it would be very different.

I find the concept of destiel very interesting when looking at queer media because the ending is very much something that would have had happened maybe 10 years ago. We are way past that now, and that's why there was so much controversy about the whole 'turbo-hell' thing, and bury your gays. I love destiel and I wish it had been different, and I still ship it but I think it serves as a testament that we must still keep fighting for representation on screen and that what Misha did to fight for Castiel to be gay and have a declaration of love is a reflection of how we ourselves must always continue to find ways to see ourselves represented on screen. It's a slow process, unfortunately, but one day it'll be there.

anon I love you and thank you for writing this media essay in my askbox mwah

#I don't want to add anything because it would be stupid compared to this thesis #thank you for waiting forever for me to answer this #I'm 23 and I can't read long text #ily #anon #alison answers #spn #destiel

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jjongleurs · 4 years

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Here we are, yet again on my great 2020 re-watch of Supernatural. Just for a bit of context: I have not watched these earlier seasons in maybe about 6 or 7 years, and although I do remember some some things like general plot and some of my favorite moments, a lot of it is pretty blank. Between then and now, I have also had my Great Bi Awakening (this is a little important for when I get to talking about bi Dean).

I am now on 5x3 “Free to Be You and Me” and THIS EPISODE. Before I start babbling about how much I love this episode and the multitude of reasons why, let me just debrief about what I have seen so far of the Dean and Cas dynamic.

They started out simply just working together, but they’ve slowly built up trust and some affection for one another at this point. It’s still very fresh and new, and it’s starting to solidify into their friendship. Dean has begun to genuinely trust and depend on Cas which is HUGE, and Cas... oof. Cas has already started to have feelings for Dean he doesn’t understand. We see him struggle with these feelings through his facial expressions quite a bit. The confused head tilt we all know and love, and the more subtle yet somehow more obvious look.

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Start playing at 1:24 to see what I mean by the look. Cas observes intensely, then looks down. I think in this particular instance Cas was feeling some kind of faint jealousy he doesn’t know how to recognize yet. We all know Cas had begun to change from the moment he pulled Dean out of Hell, and with that came human emotions. Moments like this keep happening in regards to Dean, and its not always exactly romantic. Cas often has these moments where the gears turning inside his head are practically visible as he tries to decipher whatever new emotion Dean stirs up in him. Here it was jealousy, but we have also seen doubt, defiance, affection, and the emotion we are beginning to see more and more often is care, specifically towards Dean and humanity. Cas’ feelings for Dean start developing in season 4, but Dean’s? They start developing in season 5.

This is where my blabbering on how much I love 5x3 begins. Dean, the ever repressed bisexual—yes, even before Cas, it was becoming apparent around 2x11, I can also make a post about this if y’all want—has already cemented his friendship with Cas, but now he’s dealing with attraction! This attraction, I think, is both of the romantic and physical sort. And Dean’s already kicking himself for it.

So, this is where my background (and many of yours, I believe) as a queer person becomes important in deciphering Dean’s attraction to Cas. When I first saw these episodes for the first time, I had no idea who I was (well, the sheer amount of repression I dealt with made it so) and was doing the same dumb things as Dean. Now, having come to understand myself and my past actions as a bi person, I feel like I can understand Dean, too.

Firstly, let’s take a look at the Thelma and Louise clip from this episode. For context, it’s a reference to a movie which ends with two women, friends who have been through a lot together, holding hands and kissing before driving their car off a cliff to escape being captured by the authorities.

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Dean here is drawing parallels between himself and Cas to Thelma and Louise which FLOORS me every time. This is also where I think the romantic attraction comes in because Thelma and Louise is the reference he chose to make. This is where my experience as a dumb, repressed bisexual comes into play. It’s hard to articulate what this exactly means to someone who hasn’t experienced it, but being a repressed bi comes with something akin to intrusive thoughts (which are just the gay feelings we don’t yet understand) and lack of a filter at times. Not to mention the mentally kicking oneself à la why did I even say that, that was so stupid of me, what does that even MEAN, oh my god I can never speak to this person again why am I so dumb. You can see Dean doing just this and mentally kicking himself at 0:14 where he’s closing his eyes for a second and slightly shaking his head. He knows what he just said is low-key REALLY gay, and it doesn’t matter that Cas doesn’t understand the reference because HE understands it but he has no clue why he said it. He probably laid in bed awake in the middle of the night ages later asking himself why the hell did I say that???

Second, this hilariously glorious clip wherein Dean says, with certainty, that Bert and Ernie are gay and that Cas isn’t going to die a virgin.

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Dean is amused and surprised by the fact that Cas hasn’t done the deed, and I can almost certainly guarantee that his first thought wasn’t to take Cas to a brothel. His first thought was probably a more... involved plan *cough cough* but he treated that like an intrusive thought like the poor repressed bastard he is. The reason why I think this? The “There are two things I know for certain: 1) Bert and Ernie are gay, 2) you are not gonna die a virgin.” line. There was NO REASON for those two things to be put in the same sentence other than the weird inner-workings of the repressed bisexual. See, our brains are kinda funny like that. Even when we are trying our hardest to not think about our physical/romantic/whatever attraction to someone in a non-heterosexual manner, sometimes we fail spectacularly. The filter between our mouths and brains? Temporarily gone sometimes. Things just slip out without us meaning them to, and sometimes they’re accidentally super gay.

(Also, because I can’t just not mention it, Cas being all flustered and ruffled feathers about being asked if he’s a virgin by the one human that makes him feel things? *chef’s kiss*)

In conclusion, Dean is a disaster bi and Cas is starting to feel things. This is the first episode I can point to and say, specifically in regards to Dean and Cas, there is no heterosexual explanation for this. And it’s just the beginning.

#destiel #deancas #dean #cas #castiel #supernatural #somehow both dean and cas are my comfort characters #maybe it's because they do the same stupid shit i do #but come on they're ridiculous #how can they be *that* gay for each other and *that* oblivious #the typical oh no I've fallen for my best friend but I'm not straight so I'll only realize that after I process it for ten years gays #they're falling IN LOVE #and we GET TO SEE IT #rewatch rambles #aria rambles

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demwhore · 4 years

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Maniac (Mark Lee.)

pairing | Mark Lee x Female Reader | greaser! mark | soc! reader description: After a sudden drink at the West side with your soc friends, alcohol kicked in your senses; showed up at your ex boyfriend’s home, alone, carrying a shovel and a rose. words | 4k genre | young adult fiction, smut warnings | language, drinking, scenes of making-out, violence. this is a problematic fic because it is based on the novel “The Outsiders” a/n | I do not condone the actions depicted in this fic. This is written for fictional purposes only. I dedicate this to @xuxi-rolls [i love u, thank u] to @hyuck-me [hi min thank you!] and @bumblebeenct [thank you for proofreading the trash ver.] this was rushed. i apologize. taglist | @renjunlite @mjlkau @xyyydream @jungcity ps | my muse for this is maniac by conan grey

�� main masterlist

There are always two sides of everything. Two sides to every coin. For example, in a neighborhood; there is an east side and a west side. There is a fine line between the two, and that is exactly the world you live in. You are a Soc (pronounced as Soches, or short for Socials), as fancy as it is, that is what they call it. This meant that you lived on the west side of the neighborhood; together with other wealthy Socs. Mainly the jocks, cheerleaders, or snobs. The Socs despised the Greasers, so much— to the point, after seeing one, they would either end up slashing out each other’s throats with their fancy switchblades or to get into an old-fashioned fist-fight.

Greasers. One world but it possesses a lot of definitions. Quite notorious. They were known to be problematic, criminals, a bunch of chaotic guys who always flunk their classes just to smoke and drink, hair literally drenched in grease with leather jackets and ripped jeans. A typical James Dean. They are situated on the East side of the neighborhood. Considered poor, not low-class but, poor, poorer than any Socs, poorer than any of the people alive. They merely survive by committing crimes, or when they are lucky enough— jobs at gasoline stations.

Greasers. People who have trouble chasing after their tails, and adding to the list, they really have a distinct vocabulary. Which always surprises you. “What’ya try’na do Soc?”

Greasers were known for their bad reputation but even so, you ended up falling in love with one. His name was Mark Lee. It all started when you were about to head home from a night out at the drive-in theater, when Jacob, a Soc that also went to your school, ended up harassing you to be his girl. Wanting to butter your ‘muffins’ since they weren’t buttered at all. You didn’t know what he was trying to imply, but it didn’t seem right and appeared insulting on your part. Mark’s gang happened to cross the path you were taking, and heard your distressed yells of ‘stay away from me’ that Jacob did not seem to understand. The first meeting with Mark wasn’t that extravagant like how prince Philip met Aurora in the forest, it was rather dark; full of sweat, blood, and switchblades. You heard the yells of Mark’s gang telling him to stay the hell out of the Soc’s business but he could see that Jacob just wouldn’t stop and you were on the verge of tears. Mark knew what to do. He had Jacob down in a second. Jacob tried to fight to get loose; he even did for a few seconds before Mark tightened his hold. Jacob laid still, swearing at the greasers between gasps. Then, things turned bad, when Jacob stabbed Mark’s shin with his switchblade. In the end however, it was Jacob who went home ruined and blue.

“Are you all right, uhm, Socs?” Soc.

You nodded. “Yes. Thank you.”

He rubbed your hair, “You’re an okay kid, Soc. Always have someone, some, er--soc join you on yer’ way home.”

Then he left with his greaser friends. Mark was handsome. You hated to admit, but he was. He was the same type of handsome as a young Johnny Depp, if more, he was gorgeous. His hair was jet black, with the signature grease lingering within. He wore his worn-out denim jeans with a leather jacket that complemented his white shirt underneath. You couldn't see his face clearly, but it was full of cuts and bruises. Yes, they were the guys your parents warned you about. Cigarettes and switchblades.

Yet you couldn’t stop thinking about the greaser. You absentmindedly poured toothpaste on your hand instead of your toothbrush; mind too occupied by the young boy you met. You had mentally slapped yourself for being so timid, you could’ve done something nice to treat him for saving you from Jacob, or at least ask for his name. It made you insane, head empty except for thoughts of the greaser. You felt hopeless but fate had other plans, since you both crossed paths, again. This time in a local diner, specifically by the concession stand. You insisted on paying for his strawberry shake and from that interaction, the greaser boy stole your heart. You exchanged smiles and names. You felt conscious under his gaze, intimidated even, but Mark proved that their tough appearance was just a façade. Behind the rugged persona hides a boy; who is carefree, a greaser boy that loved you more than his switchblade and comb.

The months you had together were paradise. He never forced you to embrace the greaser culture, and he’d let you do your thing. You were still the awkward Soc girl who wears beige cardigans over a fitted dress shirt and plaid skirt. Eloquent. Articulated. But ever since you’d started hanging out more on the east side, the soc in you started to fade and Mark didn’t know if he should be boasting with pride or afraid. You learn to spat at people, (which made your mother mortified as to where the hell did you would’ve learnt that? You just answered her with a meek smile) both literally and figuratively, the latter one because you’d seen Mark spit as a smoker and the aftermath is an itchy throat. You were staying up late and the alibi you’d use was studying at Amber’s house. The truth is, you were with Mark and his friends at the drive-in theater, making out till the guards kicked you out.

The memory wasn’t vague. But the movie flashed by the theater’s projector was ‘Rebel without a case’ starring James Dean. It was a good movie, indeed, but you are busy with Mark’s lip at the time. He was more entertaining than the movie you had paid to see. Straddling his lap you found your hands detangling his heavily styled hair. You felt his hands cupping your ass as your lips practically crashed into each other. Teeth to teeth, tongue interlacing. You were timid, but with Mark, it suddenly went away.

Pulling away momentarily you asked “Are you gonna wham, bam, thank you sweetie, me?”

His brows furrowed as his hot breath fanned your face, “What?”

You grinned, “Nothing.”

Mark rolled his eyes, his hands leaving your body as he struggled to remove something from the car’s cabin. He handed you a rose, and you found the ends of your lips twitching. You took the rose from him and shifted your attention to him. His lips were slightly parted, lips red, hickeys all over his neck. Mark was a guy full of troubles yet he was so charming. There was just something in him that made you feel enchanted, maybe it was his candidness. He doesn’t deny that he isn’t the right guy for you but he is willing to change his bullshit, just for you. The gesture made your heart turn somersaults.

“Where did you get this from?”

“Well, I’m a penny short and I oughta buy you chocolates but I’ll be late for our date. Stolen these when old man Ricky wasn’t looking.” He admitted with a frown. Your brows arched up, you weren’t expecting a blunt answer yet there he is. He looked adorable with his eyes practically apologizing for his wrong-doings. A surprised laugh came out of your lips. The laughter from you urged him to continue on talking.

“I might not be rich as the socs in your place but you have my heart and dick.”

You chortled at his statement, “Is that the answer to my statement a while ago?”

“What? The wham, bam?”

“Yeah.”

“Yea, It’ll be cool to play here with peewee.” Mark named his car “Peewee’, a 1950s Chevrolet, 4 door bel air. His lips met yours again, but this time he exerted dominance, cupping the back of your head to pull you closer to him. His other thumb stroked your thighs lightly. Mark’s kiss was deep and passionate. The world around you seems to crumble as you are too absorbed with his existence. He nibbled onto your lip, before brushing over the spot with his sinful tongue. The kiss grew urgent, his hands gripping your waist tightly carefully grinding your figure onto his lap. It made him hard and you were already soaking in arousal. He groped your ass making you yelp. You wanted this. To drown in Mark’s kisses. Mark repositioned his seat to make more room for you before he connected his lips again with yours. His touch was innocent, feathery, slightly climbing its way to your dress to touch your inner thighs.

You felt goosebumps all over your skin. His intimate touches, turned your whimpers into quiet moans against his lips, which in turn, made Mark bring one of his slim fingers to your mouth, silencing you.

“You oughta keep your voice down, baby.” He mumbled on your lip. The end of his pink lips tugging a smirk. Despite his warning, you kept going, this time trying to hold into sanity, as the feeling of Mark’s erection sent chills to your spine. You shivered when Mark’s finger wandered to the inner part of your thigh. You immediately pushed your legs apart, allowing his fingers to cup the apex of your thighs, pressing a digit onto your soaked pussy. He played with the elastic band of your panties, then carefully touched your slit. You clit throbbing and eager for his touch.

“You’re soaking wet, damn, all for me?” He cooed. His voice low, lips tickling your ear, “Does it feel good? You wanted to be touched like this?”

“Y-yes, please k-keep going.” You whined, while frantically searching for something to grasp. You arched your hips to get more access to his torturing touches.

He gave you a sly smirk, “I will, because you asked so sweetly, baby.” He placed a chaste kiss on your lips. Then, he immediately slid in his index finger into your entrance. A sigh left your mouth as you felt your walls stretch; something you’ve never felt before. “Do you feel uncomfortable?”

If a word could explain what you were feeling at the moment, uncomfortable isn’t the correct word to describe it; rather, euphoric. Mark, at this point, had fully inserted his finger to the knuckles. “No, n-no, keep going, p-please.” You whispered as you took a hold of Mark’s shoulders and gripped them for dear life; knuckles turning white. You choked out when you felt his fingers found a spot inside you. Bingo. Mark chuckled quietly, running his tongue over his lips, the sight before him was divine. You, squirming under his touch while he played with your cunt. He prodded the same exact spot again, this time you had to bury your head onto his shoulders to keep yourself quiet.

“Jackpot, baby.”

“A-ah it f-feels good!”

You squeezed your eyes shut letting the waves of pleasure soak you. You arched your hips to meet his fingers. Letting yourself feel. After one digit, Mark carefully inserted his middle finger, just beside his index. You gasped, it was an unknown feeling; your body twitched momentarily from the sudden sting. Mark met your neglected clit and rubbed it; the sting fading out. You gritted your teeth, ragged breaths leaving your mouth. You felt the arousal building inside you; ready to leave your body. If it wasn’t for Mark’s lips, silencing you, the whole theater would know what you two were doing. He planted a kiss to your cheeks, “You cumming, baby?”

The movie was still rolling, but to you it was just pure noise. You are too engrossed, head clouded, muddled with pleasure. Jim Stark said his great lines, ‘If I had one day when I didn't have to be all confused and I didn't have to feel that I was ashamed of everything’. Mark played with your clit again, his digits busy poking your g-spot, you knew, you were on the edge of coming. Mark pressed your body into his and you trembled against his lap. Your walls tightened against Mark’s fingers. With one last rub, your arousal came, he pulled his fingers away from you. Your panties, now soaking wet. You made a mental note to throw those out to the washer as soon as you go home. Your body collapsed against Mark’s chest. He raised his fingers; wet and glistening with your juice. You felt your cheeks flare when you saw how he popped his fingers onto his mouth, leaving a satisfying groan at the taste of you. You covered your face in embarrassment and felt Mark’s chest vibrate with laughter. “I love you, baby.”

“I love you more.”

It was fun while it lasted. A typical bad boy and good girl, two teenagers in love. The relationship was almost as perfect for you. You never had arguments with him, because he was so chill about everything you do. Yet then, in the blink of an eye, the relationship turned into a complete fiasco.

Maybe you were too confident that people wouldn’t stick their noses in other people’s business, but they proved you wrong. You were oblivious to the fact that everyone’s eyes were set upon you. Eventually a rumour circulated around the school you and Mark were attending.

“Did you hear about Y/N, girls?”

It piqued your ears. You stopped your tracks to hear the answer, “Her and Mark, that greaser boy, oh God, he’s crazy and drives her mad!”

You were stunned at the outburst. The only person who knows about your relationship was Amber, other than that, your mouth was completely sealed. You opened your locker and grabbed your books. Just as you slammed the door shut, you came face to face with Avril, the school’s queen bee and apparently, Jacob’s new toy. She gave you a sly smirk.

“I never knew you’d be the type to date a greaser. That’s just out of your boundaries, eh?”

You raised your brow, completely facing her, “How did you know about that?”

Her smirk widens, showing sets of teeth with a slight smudge of her violet lipstick, “Good ol’ boy Jacob saw you two at the local drive-in. Next day, he had the rumors circulating like shit.”

You folded your arms to your chest, “Listen, what you’ve heard are all just rumours.”

“Oh yeah? Your brother’s gang happened to be with Jacob that time.”

You felt the blood drain from your face. It was now painfully clear; the night you came home, your brother, Jaehyun, wasn’t already home. When he returned, two hours later, he was panting heavily, cuts all over his face, and he was carrying his favorite baseball bat drenched with mud and a liquid colored crimson; blood. You seized her collar and the people around you gasped at your sudden movements. You hissed while she struggled to remove your grip, “Where the hell is Jacob?”

Avril sniggered, “And why should I tell you? So you can save your wimpy little greaser boyfriend? Well news flash he’s a maniac!”

You held her collar more tightly, holding the fabric close to her neck. Avril gasped for air, her arms flailing. She gave in and choked out, “Locker room.” You pushed her away and her body flung against the lockers. The other students jumped away in fear. You glanced over your shoulder, “He isn’t a maniac Avril. He is more of a gentleman than your misogynistic boyfriend will ever be,”. You trailed away, planning on beating Jacob up with one of your thick algebra books. You could still recall the moves Jaehyun had taught you. Aim at the jaw, because that is the human’s shut off button, and that is what you intend to do.

It didn’t take you long to find Jacob. After a series of turns, you arrived at the boy’s locker room. As you entered, there were few catcalls heard, but you chose to ignore— hey ya, sexy, as it was pointless— boys with their foul words because they never think with their minds. Jacob stood out among the other lads in the room. He was tall, had blonde hair, icy-blue eyes, a jock, and while it was hard to admit, he was really handsome. But he wasn't the right guy, and you were sure, as he never met your standards. His icy blue eyes widened at the sight of your marching figure, the ends of his lips tugging upward. Feeling triumphant as if he’d won his recent football match.

“Do you wish to continue our little rendezvous?” He gave you a lazy grin. You stopped your tracks and tilted your head a little bit higher to match his gaze. If books could give an exact definition of Jacob, he could be compared with Ares, the god of war; As Homer called him, murderous, bloodstained, the incarnate curse of mortals. But strangely, a coward, too, who bellows with pain and runs away when he is wounded. Jacob only knew how to fight, it's a giveaway, with his nice fit and physique. But he plays dirty and hides underneath a girl’s skirt when he knows he fucked up. He is too much of a coward, never using his brain, rather letting his dick think for him. Him and Mark have a gargantuan difference, and for that, loving Mark, was the biggest choice you have never chosen to regret.

“What is this all about Jacob?”

He ran a finger through his slightly damp, golden locks. His brows shot upward, his lip jutting out, as if proving to you, what he did was something you should never be mad about. He shrugged, “I just made a psa.” He leaned down to match your height, “Soc girls ain’t for greasers. I was simply just saving you.”

“You aren’t my dad so you don’t go dictating me what to do and what not to do!”

He raised his left brow, “Hell yeah? I cannot accept the fact you chose him over me, Y/N! Are you fucking insane?”

“No. But I am capable of choosing the people who are best for me.”

“Betcha brother didn’t take the news nicely.”

You gave him a glare and jammed the algebra book to his face. The reason why Jacob spread those malicious rumors about Mark is because he couldn’t accept the fact that you have chosen grease over money. He had an ego to protect and so, he went lashing out, ruining someone else’s image. You stormed out of the locker room to search for your brother. He must’ve gone mad at this point. The thought gave you chills, Jaehyun beating Mark to death. You could recall how he wore his adorning rings earlier in the morning before you both left the house. Those rings had helped Jaehyun beat someone into pulp, almost killing his foe with it. Bullshit. You had algebra at eight, but you have chosen to flunk it. Worried to death, all you could think of was mark.

Jaehyun seized Mark’s now bloodsoaked white t-shirt. Jaehyun felt extreme frustration, he couldn’t control the shaking of his fists as well as the baring of his teeth. Jaehyun made a beeline for Mark’s jaw, and not content with the results; he made another uppercut, straight into the greaser’s gut. Johnny released his hold on Mark’s shirt. At that moment, Mark couldn’t think straight; it was as if his mind had been a finished puzzle and Jaehyun’s assault had it jumbled to pieces. The greaser clenched his stomach; his head was throbbing like hell. He could almost taste the bitter, salty taste of bile. Fucking hell. Jaehyun surely shook the greaser’s system, like literally.

Jaehyun held his wrist and twirled it. He ignored the stinging sensation on his cheek. That wasn’t one of his concerns. His cheeks could wait but his fist couldn't. What Jaehyun hated and was concerned about the most was having a greaser fuck with his sister. It was just an overall no for him. Also, the fact that Jacob blurted out the news while he was in the midst of a football game just made him more of a misanthropic jock wanting to choke the hell out the guy who played with his sister.

Jaehyun breathed. “Stay the hell out of my sister’s life, greaser.”

Mark spat out blood. His voice was hoarse. “Why should I do that?”

“Because I said so.”

“Hell no, soc. I ain’t doing what’cha want, just because y’all want me to.”

Jaehyun’s patience was paper thin and the fact that his day wasn’t getting any better was wearing him down. “You’re testing my patience, huh greaser?”

Jaehyun nodded towards Johnny and the center gripped both of Mark’s shoulders. Mark gulped hard, trying to wiggle his way out of Johnny’s grip, but the guy was just big, he stood no chance.

Jaehyun gritted his teeth. Mark’s eyes trailed down the shiny metal Jaehyun was holding, a switchblade. Jaehyun twisted the blade elegantly in his hands. Mark never felt fear in his life, it was the emotion he had long forgotten. But he stood there, defenseless, with the socs dominating him, all he could do was to wait for his fate, or his death. “Stay the fuck out of my sister’s life, greaser.”

A girl's voice shook the three. “Jaehyun! Stop!”

You stood there disheveled, as if you had just run a few kilometers. Your blouse is crumpled, the first buttons were well, unbuttoned. Your chest rises with every exhale you make. Your eyes trailed at Mark then towards your brother. “Jaehyun, stop.”

Jaehyun glared at you. He never looked at you like that, ever.

His tone was strict. “Go back to your classes.”

“Jaehyun, I-”

“I said. Go. back. To. your. Classes.”

You stood there dumbfounded, staring back at your fuming brother. Then, he yelled at you, snapping you out from your daze.

You fucked up.

Years. You are not allowed to go out alone anymore. The last contact you had with Mark was the time, he and Jaehyun were ‘talking’. No proper goodbyes, no proper closure. You had blamed Jacob for all of that. You were beyond frustrated, you missed the boy who made you feel like a human, alive, loved. But, now he only exists in your memories. Markie and his goofish car, peewee.

Present time.

“Hey Y/N!”

You squinted. Madonna’s songs played loudly in the local diner. Your vision blurred while trying to find the familiar figure of Amber.

“Hey Y/N!”

“Whaaaaat?!”

You leaned on the diner’s counter. The alcohol had taken a toll on you and all you wanted to do was to dance the night away with Material Girl playing loudly in the background. You pumped your fist in the air, head bobbing up and down, you started to dance carelessly towards the dance floor. Having to drink alcohol had your appendages work on their own. You leaned too far and had your body bumping on someone else’s.

You slurred. “Sorrrry.”

Amber cursed under her breath. “This girl is unbelievable.”

You continued on, singing on the top of your lungs, “I’m a material giiiiirl!”

Amber mustered her strength to grab you out of the dance floor, and to avoid you practically flailing your body towards the other college party-goers.

I made it through the wilderness. Somehow I made it through..

You shoved your body through the crowd to sluggishly approach your car. Head empty, intoxicated with alcohol and all you can think of was Mark.

You pulled over the familiar neighborhood. The darkest pits of the society. You eyed the shovel in your trunk and the rose, a random guy handed to you earlier. You approached the door and pounded harshly on the door.

The door opened with a loud hiss. And the guy you’ve been yearning for, stood before you. He eyes the rose and the shovel in your hands. A slow smirk painted his lips.

“What’ya doin’ here?”

“Mark.”

“I’m done with you. Cause people like you always want back what they can't have. But I'm past that and you know that. So you should turn back to your rat pack, tell 'em trash.”

#cznnet #nct-writers #mark lee #nct127 #nct mark #nct dream #nct u #nctwriters #nct fluff #nct scenarios #nct fanfic #nct angst #nct smut #greaser! au

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atlas-of-a-human-soul · 4 years

Text

frENEMIES, pt.6 {Quarterback AU}

Summary: Two stubborn hearts forget that we don’t always have all the time in the world to say what we need to and make amends.

Warnings: angst, swearing

Part one

Days passed and Grayson found a way back to his old habits. A different girl on his arm every day, his training and plays immaculately performed and his hair, the stupid fluffy whiskey colored curls, only grew longer as the semester came to an end.

His eyes were always fixed in front of him, no longer searching for the girl he had kept an eye on since the day he started his academic career. No, he was determined not to look for her again. If she wanted to see him as the bad guy, as the guy who can't seem to do anything right nor cares to? Well, he was done proving her wrong.

Y/N had made her choice and it was to think the worst of him and while he knew she was possibly running scared and secretly hoped she'd finally stop and let him catch up, she never did and he stopped expecting her to.

Dreams weren't as easy to ignore as the reality. In his dreams, their hands were intertwined, their smiles wide and somehow, she always had the insane habit of doing trust falls whenever he least expected it and it jolted him awake more than once when she'd just scream "TRUST FALL" and he'd have to catch her no matter how far he was or how full his hands were. Somehow, he found that part of his dream Y/N's personality most vivid and true to her real self.

If he's being completely honest, his eyes did wander a little bit during class, looking over to see if she arrived. To his surprise, her attendance remained perfect, but she wasn't truly there. It felt like looking at a distorted image in the mirror of the girl she used to be and it made him ache, but he had to protect his heart now. She had the ability to tear his heart out, she nearly fucking did and he couldn't let her finish the job.

Y/N had never felt lonelier walking through the halls as she did in the last months of her college experience. She had always had Amina, or at least she had Grayson to argue with. There were a few friends that came and went on the way but those two were her constants - something she could always count on being there, him to be there.

She knew she projected her hurt and fears onto him, that her mind was imploding and her heart wasn't allowed to make any decisions regarding her quarterback, which is a real pity considering how hard her heart fought for him.

There isn't a day that goes by that she doesn't wish she could stop hating herself enough to believe she doesn't deserve love, his love. That she could stop thinking she would be happier with him. That his lips aren't what she wishes to taste before her time on Earth is over and she draws her last dying breath.

And she wanted to do that the very next day after their fight, but when she went looking for him, he wasn't alone. Watching him lock lips with the head cheerleader before they went into the bathroom was enough to shatter what remained of her heart and the will to fight for what she hoped was the genuine man behind what Grayson showed the world.

But that day he proved her right, that he wasn't in love with her and never would be - that it's the chase that got him interested in the first place. Maybe it's because of a prank or a bet to take her virginity, or maybe it's because he expected her to fall to his feet and worship him like everyone else or he just wanted the supposedly mind-blowing hate sex, but either way, he had disappointed her for the last time that day.

She could feel herself fading as time went by, focusing on school and her writing - the only escape she could find. Writing about the pain had made it strong but it also purified her soul. Hiding from the world, she walked the campus like a ghost, occasionally sneaking a glance of the quarterback just to know he's alright.

She found it masochistic, to seek a confirmation of his well-being when he had ruined hers. But she blamed herself for that as well, she was the one who gave him the power to break her heart in the first place.

Love at first sight was a myth before she met Grayson, but he had shown her it's real. And it hurts like fucking hell.

She went to a couple of his games, more to feel less depressed and alone stuck in her room, but also to relive that night he had dedicated his winning touchdown to her...the night that started their end too soon, yet not soon enough.

Neither of them realized how many missed glances they shared - just as she’d look away, he’d look at her with the same anguish she had.

By the time graduation came, Y/N had already gotten a book deal, something she never expected in a million years since she didn't see herself ever being a professional writer.

Her manuscript went missing a month before, but she had found it just a few days after she made her peace with the fact that she lost it - the book she started in her freshman year just after she met Grayson and a week before she met Amina, the same book that was meant to be almost like a therapeutic escape for venting her emotional distress and anything else she was scared to articulate in real life. Whoever had seen it must have sent a copy, but she never found out who. At least not then - the perpetrator was revealed eventually.

frENEMIES was discovered and she had no intention on missing out on this opportunity, even if it meant she'd miss the graduation ceremony.

And still, before she went, she left a note to the man who had inspired the book in the first place - the one where she put down every single detail since the moment she had met him and had her first kiss - every hidden emotion and opinion, thoughts she kept secret from herself as well, every happy smile and hopeful look and even the resentment and pranks and her inner struggle with how he made her feel since the first moment to the last - to the moment she lost him and had to move on.

That note consisted of a single passage from the very end of her book - seemingly unfinished as many things in life are, and when Grayson read it after the ceremony was over and he saw she wasn't there, he realized that he had fucked up once again.

I looked into your eyes and found my favorite color; pretty brown eyes and a mind full of thoughts. Your eyes have the whole world in them and quite honestly, I'm scared. What if no one makes me feel the way you did? But every fairytale has a villain, but you weren't the villain of my story. I was. Maybe when we're ready, we'll meet again. After all, destiny works in mysterious ways and if not, I'm still going to miss you, quarterback. Forever.

And in that moment he knew it was over, truly over and finished with. She had said her last goodbye and he remained with a world of unspoken feelings and apologies. He watched her slip away from him, but that's all he's done - watched and allowed it to happen.

She was special from the start, a mean angel and a kind devil all at once and he loved her since the first time he saw her and thought he was in a dream. He wonders if she ever realized that the only reason he got so drunk that night (his first and only time having alcohol) was because he needed liquid courage to talk to her.

She was beautiful, talented, impatient and stubborn and proud and prejudiced but also incredibly impactful in everything she did - from her protests to save the Earth on Earth day every year, to her little stunt in biology class where she released all the animals. No one knew it was her but him. He admired her for standing up for herself and others who were bullied into silence, for getting herself arrested for protesting and practically starting a riot when a young student was a victim of blatant racism but the dean didn’t care nor want to hold anyone accountable for the incident.

She was a simple woman - as simple as quantum mechanics and he gave up on her far too quickly.

Now, he's moving onto the big leagues, leaving college behind, but that note will stay in his wallet no matter where he goes or who he meets.

And it won't be her.

Not for years to come.

Tags: @dreadingdaisies @strangerliaa @mendesficsxbombay @beinscorpio @peacedolantwins @dolandolll

PART 7

#dolan twins #grayson dolan #grayson dolan x reader #grayson dolan fanfic #grayson dolan series #grayson dolan au #grayson dolan angst #grayson dolan quarterback

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whistlesanbells · 4 years

Text

Community Headcanons

Just a random list of headcanons I have, organized by character (feat. A lot of Britta x Annie)

Jeff

I saw someone mention that Jeff might have an ED, and given what we see with his relationship with food, and how he is willing to go as far as to hurt himself to be the best at something (in this case be the best looking) it makes a lot of sense.

A lot of people headcanon Jeff as bi but honestly I just take him as cishet. He has many many issues but I don’t think sexuality is one of them, because half his personality is his attraction to every woman that breathes lmao

Exudes top energy but really the minute someone else tops him, he gets insecure for a bit but ends up really liking it.

Britta

Raging bisexual. I feel like she’s known for a long time, but never told the group because it would just be another thing for them to poke fun of about her.

In the same vein, I believe Britta’s parents were very homophobic, and that’s why she cut ties. I think she came out to them at a younger age and it was messy. It would make sense that she would refuse to tell the group why she didn’t get along with her parents: because she wasn’t ready to come out to the group yet. Instead it gets framed as her just rebelling for no reason.

We hear almost nothing about Britta’s past, except for a few offhand comments about a dinosaur-related trauma. Britta is incredibly quick to deny talking about her past, which led me to believe that she has some kind of trauma. Personally, I believe she was r*ped in her childhood, which would explain her extra effort to comfort troy when he lied about it. It would also explain why she is so fervently for women’s rights, especially when it has to do with bodily autonomy.

Dyslexic!Britta makes so much sense to me, because her parents were likely unsupportive, so she didn’t get much help or accommodations in school at a young age. This probably led to her habit of going out of her way to do poorly in a class so it looks like she’s just not trying, so she doesn’t have to face the reality that she never developed good study habits and she would have a lot of trouble in school even if she tried. Even though she doesn’t do well in school, she’s really smart, she’s just not great at articulating her points :))

She was a tomboy in elementary school before it was considered socially acceptable, and she was bullied ruthlessly for it. In her true, “stick it to the man” fashion, she never grew out of it.

Britta is terrified of Annie finding out that she won’t do well in school even if she DOES try, because she’s afraid Annie will lose respect for her.

Annie was the only one in the group she came out to, because she trusted her to keep a secret and not to judge. Annie asks her a LOT of questions, but Britta puts up with it.

Acts like a top, is really a bottom.

She has a crush on Annie from 21st century romanticism on, but never expresses it because she doesn’t want to make Annie uncomfortable.

Troy

Gay lmao

I definitely feel like he had a crush on abed around end of season 3/ beginning of season 4, but it was unreciprocated.

Troy has an inherent sensitivity that makes him the heart of the show, but it took a while for him to feel comfortable with that. I feel like he had a lot of parental pressure to be perfectly straight and masculine, since he was raised under a strict religion.

Troy never wanted to be an athlete. I believe he wasn’t allowed to explore his interests because he demonstrated talent for sports at a young age, and that’s what he was pressured to do for the rest of his life.

Troy doesn’t always understand how Abed functions, but he is always accepting, supportive and understanding. Instead of trying to understand how his brain works, he memorized the patterns of what bothers him and what doesn’t, and uses that to help his friend in the best way he can. It’s super sweet :))

Abed

Aro/ace Abed rights!! I haven’t seen this one as much, but I really like it. I genuinely don’t think abed has much interest in relationships, which has absolutely nothing to do with being neurodivergent. I think he feels pressure from the group to date, because that’s what they think is “normal.”

I LOVE Annie and Abed’s friendship but I definitely don’t ship them. Sure, they kissed once, but she was attracted to Han Solo, not abed. Annie was attracted to dean when he was actually like Jeff too, but she DEFINITELY wasn’t attracted to dean lmao. Instead, I think they’re both really close because they’re both neurodivergent, and Annie understands him more than anyone else in the group, albeit not entirely. They also have a special handshake you can see at the end of season one :)

This isn’t a headcanon but it’s *technically* never stated in the show but Abed definitely has autism. l DO headcanon that Annie has his safe foods written down in a list because she’s the only one who knows how to cook in the apartment, and she knows it’s important to him.

Abed has all of his friends’ likes and dislikes memorized and written down, as well as their birthdays, as a result of psychoanalyzing them. He gives the best birthday gifts and never forgets.

Definitely was the ACB (creds to film theory on that one)

Shirley

I don’t have a lot of theories for Shirley, because we see a lot of her personal story in canon. However, I do believe that she wasn’t always such a devout Christian. I think she was raised with Christian ideals, but it wasn’t central to her personality until Andre cheated on her. After she went though a dark period of (likely) alcoholism, I like to think that’s when she turned to Christianity, and it gave her hope. She loves it so much because it genuinely did save her from a bad time in her life.

I think she is a big part of the reason why Troy, Abed, Britta, and Annie are afraid to come out to the group. They assume she would never see them in the same light, when truth be told, she would love them all the same. I think she would be uncomfortable at first, but either she would come to the realization or britta would convince her that it is inherently Christian to love everyone, no matter what. Her motherly instincts take precedence over her Christian ideals.

Shirley views Annie as the daughter she never had, but is very careful not to tell her for fear of hurting her feelings. She very much enjoys helping her navigate college and seeing her mature. She also loves all their girl talk since this is the aspect of parenting that she doesn’t get with three boys. In the same vein, she loved teaching Britta how to have friends who are girls, and she likes to think she played a part in raising her.

Pierce

I don’t like pierce enough to psychoanalyze him lmao

Annie (saddle up, this is gonna be long)

Lesbiannie, obviously. Annie’s romantic tendancies SCREAM compulsive heterosexuality. Annie’s relationships with men are always schoolgirl crushes, and she even admits to abed that she never really liked Jeff, she just liked the idea that he was available and willing to love her. It also makes sense that she can’t stand the idea of not being perfect in every way, including heterosexual (because she confirms that her parents are bigoted and that’s likely what she was taught). I think she would have a lot of internalized homophobia, and she would be very insecure about her sexuality, seeing how she acted during the STD fair.

I would love to think Annie also had her first ever real, I like this person for themselves and not just because they’re attainable crush on Britta. She always looked up to her because she was so cool and far less uptight than she was, but as they grew closer, she saw her in a different light. I ship them hardcore lmao.

Annie has ADHD!! I could talk for hours about this, mostly because I have very similar struggles to Annie’s canon character arc (minus the drugs lmao) and it’s mostly due to my adhd. Long story short, she was likely raised undiagnosed until she discovered it herself, which led to trying adderall and overdoing it because she was unsupervised. She was likely very insecure about her ADHD, which led her to overcompensating academically. Because she masked so much in academic settings, it’s likely she didn’t have much of a social life because that’s where her symptoms presented themselves more.

In addition being friends with abed has made her far more comfortable unmasking. If you watch her in studies in modern movement you can see her stimming (flapping her hands, rocking back and forth and swinging her arms) way more than usual. She normally fidgets by fiddling with her fingers by her waist and pulling her elbows tight to her sides in a position suspiciously similar to raptor arms. Not only is this a common and discreet way to fidget, it is easily passed off as good posture. This makes sense, as it is Annie’s trademark resting position.

Annie reads YA books and a LOT of fanfiction for fun. The group expects her to be more well versed in classic literature, but the girl just loves her some vampires. It’s where she learned a LOT of her....dnd tricks ;).

Top energy that Jeff never let her use DEFINITELY comes out with Britta.

She helps Britta study and teaches her all the study habits she had to learn, and Britta’s grades improve a little bit!!

Switched to pantsuits because of britta, I like to think she had some influence on that.

Lost interest in Jeff after Basic Sandwich

Knew that Abed was the ACB the whole time, she definitely had it figured out in that binder lmao

Anyways enjoy, just figured I’d write this down somewhere haha

#annie edison #jeff winger #britta perry #annie x britta #troy and abed #abed nadir #community #community tv #troy barnes #lesbian annie #theyre just so cute together okay #neurodivergent #annie and abed #theyre buds

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gaysidneycrosby · 4 years

Note

in re your reply to that anon: ok so i don't think that cas actually believes in his heart that dean only keeps him around because he's useful, like just because he knows dean's soul and his past and he knows how hard it is for him to be vulnerable. however i do think cas is kind of quietly resigned to the fact that dean will probably never be able to actually articulate his feelings out loud and getting any kind of emotion back from him is always gonna be like pulling teeth, and he knows he's just gonna have to live with that permanent unevenness because it's still better than living without dean completely. HOWEVER, i do think that we see that dynamic start to shift in 15x09 because we finally see dean actually apologize and start to own up to the ways he's been shitty to cas. and i don't think cas would jump immediately then to thinking "oh he loves me back and he's gonna tell me out loud in actual words" but i DO think that that marked the moment where the possibility of it at least like. started to thaw a bit. like before 15x09 he would have thought never in a million years, but after he would start to let himself consider in the very back of his mind like "well maybe......Maybe....it's only never in a thousand years." which is to say that i think cas died believing there was at least a reasonable chance that if they had had a little more time together then he would've gotten to hear dean to hear dean say it back. which in his eyes still would have felt like more than he ever could have dreamed of yk

okay so yes i think there are like moments when cas genuinely does believe it, but certainly not always, but i think it’s like. one of his big Fears y know?

and yes for sure 15x09 is a MOMENT! dean finally speaks and says what he means, even if it’s not all of it, and “i should’ve stopped you” like, in a roundabout way asks cas to say which is what he wants.

anyway i’m a finale denialist. dean gets cas back from the empty and for a few weeks there’s a lot of tension and maybe they bicker a bit but mostly they’re glad that they can just like live their lives now right? and i think it’s important for dean to finally say his truth on his own terms, no like, life threatening situation or rush of adrenaline but reaching a point where he can just. speak. and so one day he knocks on cas’s door and is like hey can we talk and cas is like of course dean. and dean is trying to say it and he’s struggling, he’s sort of talking in circles about how much cas means to him. and cas starts to say like, it’s okay, dean, i know, you don’t have to say it but dean pushes back and is like no no no i do have to say it you deserve to hear it. i love you too.

also all i can think of is chuck being gone so they finally truly have free will and “i love you on purpose” :-)

#nonny

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buggeredson · 4 years

Text

He can taste the conflict in the angel’s mouth and even that isn’t enough to dissuade him. The tongue beside his stills and he pulls back, kisses the corner of that irritatingly beautiful mouth, but when he goes back to invade it again it has formed a strict line, no entry permitted, and Crowley sighs as he rocks back on his feet and nearly falls over, stumbling back and laughing about it as one hand shoots out to grab the furniture, keep him upright. Castiel realizes only belatedly that he’s never seen Crowley act this way before. He’s witnessed inebriation, but never from the demon. Is he faking? Or is something more wrong than that? Castiel frowns, brow furrowing, and Crowley snorts with laughter from where he’s seated on the bed, struggling to take off his own shoes.

“You look consti-- const-- you look like you need to take a shit, darling,” he says, stumbling over slurred words and laughing it off. It’s very...un-Crowley, laughing off his inability to articulate as if his elocution means nothing to him, pawing at the knot of his tie with fingers too dumb to undo it properly. Cas steps forward and moves Crowley’s hands away, taking over the duties of unknotting the tie as the demon continues to chuckle from below him. “Water closet’s the other way, Cas. Maybe I’ll join you in the shower afterwards--”

“You are unwell.” It’s a statement, not a question, but its also an assumption, the kind that usually raises at least some of Crowley’s ire. But he continues to laugh. Puts his rather meaty hands over Castiel’s once the tie is undone and pulls him down so they’re a little closer to level. His eyes drop to the angel’s lips and Cas become aware of how chapped they are solely because Crowley looks like he wants to devour them.

“Guess I’m in need of some ‘Bad Medicine.’”

“Why would you need bad medicine?”

Crowley huffs at that and the moment’s over; he sucks in a deep breath he doesn’t need and lets it out in a short sigh, glazed eyes coming up to meet Castiel’s once more. “No, it’s--‘Bad Medicine,’ darling, has Dean taught you nothing? Bon Jovi? ‘Your love is like bad medicine’? Ringing any bells? No?” Cas stares blankly until Crowley sighs, and then chuckles again, and lets go of Castiel’s hands. “Nevermind.”

He starts unbuttoning his shirt now, swaying a small bit as he tries to focus, and Castiel stands useless before him, head tilted, feeling...small. Smaller, almost, than Crowley has ever made him feel--and this time on accident, no less. He stares at Crowley but his gaze is a million miles away when he becomes vaguely aware of Crowley frowning up at him.

“Y’know I was joking?” Crowley mumbles, a little defensively, and Castiel comes crashing back into the present moment, far away from the thoughts tumbling through his mind but not yet far enough to ignore them. “’S not like I expect you t’know all the music from--”

“That isn’t my concern.” Crowley’s eyes sharpen a bit at that and Castiel realizes he’s said more than he’d meant to. What he meant to be a placating dismissal before Crowley’s mood soured had confessed more than it had placated.

“That right? So what’s it, then?”

“What do you mean?”

Crowley is having none of it, trying to push himself up to stand despite the scant space between them making that a difficult maneuver. “What’s your concern?”

“Crowley--” But the demon of the hour is on his feet, and his eyes are drilling into the angel’s, and Castiel falters a small bit beneath them. There is silence for a moment, and then, as simply and coolly as possible--something studied from Crowley but not yet enacted--Castiel answers. “I was only thinking of the future.”

“Future,” Crowley scoffs, tilting his head back. Castiel can see he’s not buying it.

“I was wondering where...I would go.”

Crowley scoffs again, wordlessly this time, and drops back to sit on the bed again. “Honestly, angel. Had me worried there! Don’ need to go tonight. Bed’s big enough for two--”

“When you are done with me, I mean.”

Crowley rolls his eyes and levels the angel with a still-slightly-inebriated glare that speaks volumes about his perceived intelligence in that moment. “I know sleep’s a bit alien, but there’s always telly if you don’t feel like staying in bed, you know.”

“Not tonight. Later.”

“Enough RIDDLES, Castiel,” Crowley groans. “What are you on about?”

“When you leave.” In the silence that follows, you could almost hear the twin heartbeats in the room. Tension takes hold and Castiel fixes his gaze on a far wall, pushing the rest of the words out now that the hardest three have popped loose. “Like everyone else does. When I have outlived my usefulness to you, I wonder where I will go.”

There’s silence again, and Castiel swallows hard against it. Words like that are almost impossible to retract, once said.

“You know I’m not using you. Well. This time.” Castiel feels as if heat has drained from his cheeks at that comment, and he wonders for a moment if he’s gone pale.

“I know,” he says, almost whispers. The room feels airless. Castiel does not look away from the far wall. There’s another rush of silence after he speaks and then--the creaking of bed springs, Crowley grunting, the pop of a human socket being unexpectedly stretched out. Crowley stands up in front of him but Castiel cannot make himself meet his eyes; he can almost hear the face Crowley pulls before, to his surprise, Crowley pulls him down onto the floor beside the bed. He does not resist.

“Someone’s done a job on you,” Crowley mutters as he seats himself beside Cas. He crosses his arms over his chest--shirt still open, still on--and closes his eyes, humming a tuneless note as he rests his head against Castiel’s shoulder. The moment now is quiet, not silent, but there is still cement weighing down Castiel’s gut.

“What are you doing?” he asks finally.

“Thinking,” Crowley replies. His tone should be short, or sharp, an slap across the knuckles for asking a stupid question, but it’s just tired instead. Castiel is about to ask another question before Crowley continues, “‘M very drunk. Thinking’s hard.”

“You should--”

“Shhhhhhhhhhhhh.” Crowley lifts one finger and holds it against his lips, and Castiel finally glances over at the devil on his shoulder. Drunk, with his eyes closed, Castiel can almost see the man Crowley might have been all those centuries ago. His thoughts must not be going well: his forehead is pinched, nose wrinkling, and Castiel can see the beginnings of grumpiness seeping into Crowley’s expression. When he lets out an explosive sigh, Castiel only tenses: but nothing comes. Crowley opens his eyes and his expression becomes neutral again; he pulls away from Cas’ shoulder, and that almost hurts, but he only swings himself around so that he sits straddling Cas’ lap.

That, in itself, is a bit of a gift: Crowley so hates to be reminded of his vessel’s short stature, of how it sometimes limits his imposition, that he almost never allows himself to be held, let alone to straddle. But there he sits, one hand slipping behind Castiel’s head as he leans in, noses the angel’s hairline and then ducks his head to kiss just under his jaw.

“What are you doing?”

“Only thing I could think of: kiss it better.”

“Crowley.”

“Castiel,” he replies, mimicking Cas’ tone. He slides his tongue along Cas’ jaw--ever lewd, ever dirty--but gives his chin a chaste peck before leaning back. He trails large hands over the face Castiel has chosen to wear, traces cheekbones with thick fingers and grazes stubble with his palms, delicately running the top of one finger under Castiel’s right eye all the way up to his temple, memorizing.

“Bloody wonder they could ever leave you,” he says, almost to himself. He seems significantly less inebriated now than he had before, tracing over the bridge of a nose, the cracks in dried lips, even the curve of an ear. “Fucking beautiful.”

“Novak is a very--”

“Fuck the meat, Cas,” Crowley says, cutting him off yet again and looking into his eyes with a sudden intensity that wears even his patience down into silence. With Crowley, he’s become so used to borrowing human eyes to see, he had almost forgotten how much more was there. Now, he wonders if Crowley ever used human eyes to see him, or how long he had been staring with eyes that could see so much more. “If I could touch the rest without being burnt to a crisp, I just might--’cept then you’d be a sorry one, and I wouldn’ be able to see you again, an’ that’d make ME even sorrier.” Castiel could say something about the greedy nature of demons, but he doesn’t. Crowley keeps petting his face, but yes, Cas sees it now: whatever eyes he was staring with before, he’s looking at the angel now with eyes that can see it all: the cracks, the scars, the bruises. Broken wings. Faltering grace. Every inch of him, all the beauty of angel that he’s spoiled just by being...him.

Except that Crowley looks almost enraptured by it all. Castiel has rarely if ever seen such awe on the demon’s face. “Radiant. If the night could do shine instead of glow, Cas, that’d be what you look like.”

He couldn’t mean that. “Most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.” It was just the sort of language lovers use with one another--and Crowley, of course, was the consummate lover. (All possible entendres fully intended--and blamed on the demon, of course.) It was natural he would be fluent in this language, too, even if he had never used it before. “More than anything I am,” Crowley continued, “anything I could EVER have been...Cas, you’re so much.”

The tracing hands stop, holding Castiel’s face firmly between them. Crowley lifts up and kisses both of the angel’s eyelids, uncannily gentle, and then the tip of his nose, and then...he just...hovers. Breath ghosting across Cas’ lips. He waits there until Cas looks at him again, meets his eyes, and he holds them there still. “I could write poetry about you--and I’m a fucking poor sod at that, too.” Crowley cracks a smile again and kisses Castiel firmly, moving against him until they are caught in something languid and loving and very unlike them, Crowley trailing a hand down the side of Castiel’s neck and to his clavicle, center of his chest, back up again. Crowley’s kisses almost always promise sex. Not this one.

“Not leaving ‘til you fucking make me, angel,” he mumbles at some point between kisses, draping both his arms around Castiel’s shoulders so he can melt against him. “Can’t believe...waste your time on a fucking demon...so much better, could do better, too....” Crowley inhales sharply and holds himself just far enough away to pant against Castiel’s lips again, keep the angel at bay as he licks his own lips thoughtfully. He seems to come to a decision, teasing his way back into the kiss with just the faintest touch of tongue until Castiel follows his lips every time he pulls away, desperate for anything to do with them: words, kisses, anything.

“Worthiest fucking man I know, and he’s a bloody pigeon,” Crowley mutters before finally lifting his eyes back up to Cas’. “Selfish me,” he says, louder and more clearly now, “and even I wouldn’t want to keep on in a world devoid of you.” One last kiss and Crowley draws away completely, hoisting himself up from Cas’ lap and offering his hand to help the angel off the floor. Crowley yawns and strips his shirt the rest of the way off, belt, trousers, and all soon to follow, before crawling into the bed and patting the space beside him. Castiel follows suit much more meekly, head spinning from the information he’s still processing. Although neither one sleeps, both stay in the bed, silent for the rest of the night, lost in mutual warmth and affection.

#IT WAS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE THIS LONG #;;i play the tune; everyone else dances to it (drabbles)#crowstiel #drunk crowley cw lol #long post for ts

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