#i also have to finish reading all the manga i got for my birthday which was... a lot

[mushroomjar]

I need to read more yuriiiii I have so many recommendations written down but if anyone has any they'd like to share please do so

[eleni-cherie]

a thief's origin✨ || bts • kth - chapter 0.7

"you're afraid I won't wait." "I'm afraid you will."

a criminal and a doctor should be as different as the sun and the moon - but unexpected things happened every day. like him finding his safe haven in her.

© 2024 | eleni_cherie

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masterlist: here

— genre: thief au, gangster comedy, adventure, romcom, humour, angst, fluff, sexual tensiON, slowburn, mutual pining, strangers to friends to lovers s2f2l

ALTERNATIVE UNIVERSE. CHARACTERS NOT NECESSARILY LIKE THE REAL PERSONS. ALSO VERY UNREALISTIC PLOT LOL - JUST PRETEND READING A MANGA/COMIC OR WATCHING A FILM, REALLY.

SUGGESTIVE THEMES. MENTIONS OF VIOLENCE & BLOOD (BUT NOTHING TOO GRAPHIC, IT'S STILL A COMEDY!)

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30th December Barcelona, Spain

There was no trace of snow in the foreseeable time and Cassandra's already gloomy mood only dropped more as she averted her eyes from the grey buildings outside.

If it was cold, it should at least snow, she believed. But she knew something like this was impossible for a city right at the mediterranean sea. The only thing they got there was humidity and gusty winds.

It was the day before New Year's eve. The second-last day of the year. One day and eleven hours more and it'd be the next year already.

It was a strange feeling considering to her it didn't feel like a year had passed already. The only evidence it did being the coldness outside that had suddenly picked up in the last two weeks. 

She returned to study a patient's file. Today would be another double-shift. Could be worse, at least she wasn't working the next two days.

After asking one of the nurses to give the patient 150mg codeine, she finished her round right on time for her lunch break. Already spotting Stella and one of the assistent surgeons and Stella's on-off-crush, Julio, sitting at a table in the far back of the cafeteria and bickering over something as usual. And Cassandra gave them a quick wave, signalising she'd seen and would join them, before going to pick her lunch. Her stomach was already rumbling when a different kind of buzzing caught her attention then. It was the phone in her pocket.

doc (6:30am): happy birthday, wherever you are :)

cool guy (1:12pm): you remembered! cool guy (1:12pm): thanks :P

Her lips instinctively curled up. It was Taehyung. 

It had been a week since they'd last spoken, which wasn't surprising considering he had a different kind of busy life.

At least he took time to ressurface at all. Kind of like a penpal, where she had to wait for his letter to arrive and respond before having to wait yet again. Especially since they were indeed one-sided penpals with him sending her postcards from all the places he visited.

She was used to it, but that didn't mean she wasn't worrying a little whenever a longer period of time passed with no trace of him. Unpredictable things could always occur, despite him and his friends being unmatched in what they did.

doc (1:14pm): ofc i did :O

After typing in her quick reply, she shoved it back into her pocket when it started buzzing again. Perplexed by the unexpected incoming call, she hesitated for a moment before eventually accepting it.

"Hey." 

She inhaled with a smile. Something about his smooth voice greeting her so cheerfully always making her a little weak.

"Hey, your timing's as great as ever," she giggled when the line moved and she took a step forward. Hearing his surprised 'Oh?'.

"To what do I owe the honour of this call?"

Taehyung could hear the smirk all the way through the line. Laughing under his breath.

"What do you mean? It's my birthday after all. So I deserve actually hearing your birthday wishes."

She bit back a laugh, having missed his silliness. "Happy birthday, cool guy. Was that all you called for?"

"Almost," he said, his tone turning gentle then,"I also wanted to hear how you were doing."

"Well, I.." she began but paused. 'Fine' was her first instinct, however, she concluded he'd most likely see through her blatant lie, because in all honestly she wasn't doing fine at all. So she settled for a more vague response. "..I'm a little tired. But otherwise everything's fine. How's it there?" She knew he'd never tell her where exactly in the world he was currently at, so she didn't even attempted to find out.

"It's.. yeah, it's great. We're working on something.." His voice faded then and Cassandra was about to carry the conversation to the turn of the year, when he spoke up again. His concerned tone taking her aback."You sure everything's fine?"

She swallowed. No matter how hard she tried, she'd always be an open book to him it seemed. Even when he was miles away. 

No, she thought, nothing's fine. I almost lost a patient because of bureaucracy, almost messed up a chest tube on another one, haven't properly slept in days, I'm gonna spend the turn of the year all alone and I'm an idiot because I miss you. 

She couldn't bring herself to let any of these words slip from her lips though. She didn't feel like making him feel bad and pity her when he was who-knew-where in the world right now and couldn't do anything for her misery anyway. Besides, she also didn't want to embarrass herself.

"Yeah, it's just, you know, work. It's not always that easy." This wasn't even a lie. But she felt he still wasn't completely sold on it. 

"Hm, you sure that's all?"

"Yeah, why?"

"Because work's always tough for you but you sound more distressed than usual."

She froze. Did she? She didn't even notice anymore, but others obviously did. Or at least, Taehyung did. So with a sigh she gave in, elaborating more after all. "It does take a toll on me. And tomorrow's New Year's eve, which I can't celebrate with my family and I have no plans, which could be regarded as sad and pitiful by some, but hey! At least I'm not working like some colleagues, so can't complain." Her casual laugh to gloss over her gloominess probably sounded forced. And she licked over her dry lips. "I just didn't want to dump everything on you.. I know you're busy with your own work." Another small giggle getting automatically added at the last words, another poor attempt to save her pride. "Anyway, it's also a shame you can't see your birthday gift, you know? It's pretty mad after all."

"A mad gift, huh?" He played along with her sudden change of topics. Although he could sense there was more to her previous words. "And what gift?"

The line moved and it was almost her turn at the registry, "Never heard of a surprise? You've got to wait until coming here again."

Taehyung scoffed playfully on the other line. "Oh, that's how it is?"

"Of course."

"Alright. I'll hurry up then, I guess."

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31st December

Cassandra usually celebrated this day by playing cards and drinking with her family. Since it wasn't possible this year, she settled for eating a whole pizza by herself and watching one of her comfort shows. The perfect plan really.

It was past 10pm on New Year's Eve now and she was in the middle of her little rewatch party, when the sound of the door bell startled her and she paused the episode. 

Cassandra didn't expect seeing anyone that night. Especially since there were barely any hours left till the turn of the year.

A knock at the front door followed then, causing her to tense up even more. She wasn't a particularly fearful or easily scared person. However, due to the late hour and randomness her first instinct was to switch off all lights and remain quiet. Only when an annoyed and whiny: "Cas, open up already! It's cold!" was heard from behind the entrance door, her tense muscles finally relaxed.

The last person she had expected seeing standing in front of her door was Taehyung and yet, there he was. Doing just that with furrowed brows and an amused laugh.

"Were you hiding from me?"

"Wh.. no. No. Well, yeah, but I didn't know it was you," she defended herself with a small pout.

His cheeks were slightly flushed and raven hair tousled due to the harsh wind outside, hands shoved deeply into the pockets of his dark brown coat. He looked quite cuddly and inviting.

She instantly shook that thought away, though. Eyeing him suspiciously when also spotting the bare neck and open collar.

"And since when do you feel cold?" she sarcastically snorted then. A knowing smirk on her lips as she let him enter. Meeting his wide boyish grin.

"Maybe I fibbed a little there."

She laughed under her breath, shaking her head. "What are you even doing here? Thought you were working on a job."

"Well.." He let out an awkward laugh when a shiver crept up his skin. He might not freeze, but that didn't mean he wouldn't feel the coldness at all. Especially with the temperature difference inside there. "I don't know actually."

She took a step back to narrow her eyes at the taller man. A puzzled smile tucking on her lips as she tilted her head. "So did you just randomly come here all the way from wherevever you were?"

"It's just.." It sounded too silly, thinking about it now, but frankly, he simply had a feeling of her needing him. And he realised how completely irrational and odd it must sound if he said that out loud. So he stick with another excuse. "We were done with the job earlier than expected and wanted to take a little break, so.. might as well come to collect my birthday gift."

Cassandra blinked. Somehow she wasn't quite buying it. He never struck her as a guy who'd travel countries just for a simple gift. Especially since he should know it wasn't anything of value compared to the actual treasures they were hunting.

"Hope you don't have too high expectations of that gift, though," she mumbled with a coy smile as he followed her further inside, "Might get disappointed otherwise."

Taehyung shrugged with a cheerful, almost childlike grin. "A gift is a gift. I take what I get."

He observed her crunching down at other side of the living room to pick up a rather big square, wrapped in fancy paper, from her desk. She felt her fingers trembling all of a sudden, not having expected to see him this time around after all, so she hadn't had any time to mentally prepare to get embarrassed yet. And the few steps she walked back to him clearly weren't enough.

"It's nothing special, really. I mean, what do you get someone who can literally get anything he wants? But I hope it's not too terrible."

Cautiously, he accepted the object from her with a scowl. Her intention was to lower his expectations but all it did was hightening his curiosity, especially since he didn't have any clue what it could be. He'd appreciate it either way though, whatever it was.

"Happy belated birthday, Tae."

He tried not to rip the paper when opening it, but as it accidentally did, he gave up midway and just tore it off making Cassandra laugh amused at his childish eagerness. Only for her to bite down on her bottom lip and avoid his glance when he finally unwrapped it.

His expression softened, brown eyes grew round in astonishment.

"A painting." He looked up at her in awe. "You drew this?"

She shrugged nonchalantly, still not daring meeting his eyes. "You said you liked my drawings and.. you also said you'd like having one of yourself like, and I quote, 'one of these sleazy rich guys'," she added air-quotations for the dramatic effect. Her hands dropping to the side then. "I know considering you travel around from hideout to hideout, it's not practical, but.. I don't know, maybe if one day you do get that house of your own, you'll find some space for it." 

He hummed, his eyes preoccupied with the painting in his hands.

The detailed strokes, the soft-coloured paint. He wondered when she'd even found time to create it in between of sleeping and working. What amazed him the most, however, was the expression on his painted face. The look in his eyes. It tucked on something in his heart, the way she captured this brief moment of tranquility in them. He wondered if anyone else had ever noticed this kind of expression on him when not even he himself had.

That painting was how her eyes saw him. The way she saw him. And it was beautiful. It touched him how someone could see him like this. So.. human. Not a thief. Not a gunman. Just him.

He swallowed. His silent gaze wandered back to her then, catching her impatiently peeking at him as he was taking quite some time to silently gape at the present, increasing her insecurity about it.

He didn't understand why she was belittling herself so much when she didn't have to make him a gift in the first place.

"Thank you, Cassandra," he breathed eventually. His voice unintentionally cracked at the end as it came out hoarser than expected. She had almost missed it, so quiet that it was. But when she realised, her eyes slowly met his already smiling ones and all the nervousness she had felt before was suddenly swept away when seeing the sincerity in his face. He meant it.

She gave him a small nod in acknowledgment.

"Say.." he said then, taking another glance of the painting in his hands, "You said no plans tonight, right?"

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"Should you not avoid such crowded spaces?" Cassandra yelled over the loud background chatter of half-drunks. One of them bumping into her shoulder, his red glittery party hat slipping from his head and almost poking her cheek.

Spending the final hour of the year at platja del Somorrostro, one of Barcelona's busiest beaches, surrounded by a New Year's crowd of strangers brimming the entire area wasn't where she had expected to find herself at. 

And all because of Taehyung.

His dark waves peeked out from between a couple of people in front of her, him clearly not hearing her nor noticing her absence beside him and she squeezed herself through to reach for his sleeve not to lose sight of him again. He paused when feeling the tug and looked over his shoulder, catching Cassandra puffing out her cheeks. "Hey, wait for me!" she pouted and he laughed.

"Sorry, did you say anything?"

"Yeah, I asked if you shouldn't be avoiding such crowds."

They pushed through the mess and Taehyung made space for her to follow behind him as he navigated them to a low pavement wall, seperating the sand from the street.

They reached the uplifted sea promenade soon and he climbed onto it when spotting a gap between some chatty teenagers. Holding his hand out for her which she accepted, letting him pull her up.

"More the opposite," he clarified then as he let his eyes wander over the sea of funny party hats, chaplets and woolen beanies. He could bearly spot where the actual sea began and where the crowd ended. His eyes then returned to her with a cheeky grin. "The more people, the easier it is to get lost in the shuffle."

Cassandra could only smirk at this. "I assume that's your go-to tactic at heists as well?"

"Hm, maybe. Who knows," he reciprocated her smirk. Knowing exactly how riled up it'd get her whenever he stayed vague and not providing more info. He simply enjoyed teasing her too much to ever let go of it, besides the obvious benefits of her not knowing any details for her own safety.

To be fair, this New Year's Eve was also quite different from what he'd originally planned for it to look like. The original plan foresaw him and the guys to sneak into a yacht party at the coast of Alexandria - something he wouldn't tell her though.

Partially because he didn't want her to ask why he was missing it out, partially because he couldn't let her know any details.

Furthermore, he'd never been a man of big parties and celebrations anyway, everything always seeming shallow and blown-out-of-proportion to him. And that sense only intensified when sneaking into some fancy party to steal idiots' jewelery and money. So in a way, he also did it for himself and not only for her. Besides, if he acknowledged the influence she had on him to just ditch anything at the mere feeling of her needing him, he'd need to apologise to Jimin for all the times Taehyung had scolded him for doing the same exact thing for Arabella.

"I hope we can see the fireworks from here."

Her words interrupted his train of thoughts and he watched her tiptoeing beside him before setting her heels back down and taking a sip from the mojito bottle she'd bought at a convenience store earlier. Cheeks already rosy from the alcohol in her system due to being a light-weight.

He took a swing from his own bottle of red wine. "Don't worry, we got a clear sight up here."

Cassandra hummed, getting tired of standing she decided to sit down on the cold stone next to a woman with a blue wig. Wrapping her arms tightly around her angled legs and bringing them close to her body. The midnight air making her shiver under her coat.

"Oh!" she exclaimed then, holding her phone up.

He narrowed his eyes at the dim display. The clock said six more minutes to midnight. He glanced at his wrist then, making sure his watch said the same. It was precise after all, something necessary when doing a coup. And indeed, six more minutes.

Explained why people around them became more jittery.

"Do you have any New Year's resolution?"

He mused for a moment over her question. Flashing her a grin then. "Not getting caught. You?"

The red-head lightly laughed at this before shaking her head. "No, don't think I got any."

"Huh, didn't expect that," he blurted out and felt her inquiring eyes on him.

"Yeah? Why not?"

He shrugged. For a moment he contemplated how to phrase his disbelief, licking his lips shortly which had become dry in the low temperature. "You striked me like the kind of person who'd have a whole list of resolutions to be honest. That's all."

Cassandra blinked, taken aback as she indeed used to always have some kind of resolutions while growing up and this might've been the first time she didn't. Perhaps she was more obvious than she liked to admit after all. A dry laugh left her lips then.

"Well, I used to -"

"Knew it," he grinned triumphatically and took another sip from his drink, "What happened?"

"Nothing. I just realised none of my wishes or resolutions ever came true. So I stopped."

Four more minutes.

"But if you would have to do any, what would it be?"

She took a moment to genuinely think about it and hummed while doing so. Only obvious ones popping up in her mind. "I guess.. to successfully complete this training year, not lose my mind in the hospital and.." Her eyes lowered and she paused, smiling to herself in a sheepish manner. "The last one is a secret."

His brows arched, but he didn't press considering it must be private.

He looked down at his watch again. 

Two minutes.

Somewhere in the distance behind them someone had already started blaring firecrackers. The loud cracking roaring over the drunk slurring, yells and chatter of the people scattered around them on the sea promenade. As far as the eye could see, streets were completely filled with people choosing spending the turn of the year outside among strangers in the cold. Most didn't seem to mind, Cassandra being the only one shivering.

And Taehyung noticed, scooting closer to her in a poor attempt to shield her body from the wind which had pushed its way through after all.

It was quite unfair, she pouted to herself when leaning into Taehyung's shoulder, how she, with her onion-layers of clothes, thick coat, scarf and beanie, was still freezing while he was out there with nothing but a sweater and a thin coat doing just fine.

"Thirty seconds," he announced when looking at his watch again.

Cassandra tilted her head to take a glance as well. "Twenty."

He sensed her warm breath brushing over his exposed skin. The pink-tinted tip of her nose and cheeks contrasting her pale skin which was faintly glowing under the yellowish streetlamp's light further away.

Everyone around them began counting down at the top of their lungs then.

"Ten!"

"Nine!"

"Eight!"

Taehyung searched her eyes, seeing she was already smiling at him. And they held each other's gaze while continuing counting down with the crowd.

"Seven!"

"Six!"

Their smiles widened.

"Five!"

"Four!"

"Three!"

"Two!"

"One!"

Fireworks errupted from the main square in the distance, splashes of colorful lights painting the black sky and illuminating the crowd with loud popping sound of explosives. The hooting party horns and cheers from the crowd jarred into a deafening wave and everyone fell into each other's arms.

And yet, despite the commotion by the boisterous mass of people, all Cassandra could see was the curve of Taehyung's bright smile. Losing herself in the glittering sparkles in his irises. Just for that moment, it felt as if it was only the two of them there.

"Happy New Year, Cassandra"

"Happy New Year, Taehyung."

They laughed lightly, breaking eye-contact and instead decided to watch the rest of the elaborate fireworks show and its golden rain when some odd - to him at least - customs caught his attention then. "Why're so many people kissing or eating grapes?"

Cassandra tore her eyes from the colourful shapes to briefly glance at him, redirecting them to the night sky again. "New year's traditions. People eat twelve grapes for each month for good luck. Or kiss to save themselves from a year of loneliness."

He seemed intrigued by this. "Are there more?"

"Not sure, I don't believe in this superstitions."

He huffed a laugh at her bolt claim. "Says the girl who bought a lucky charm to a heist with her."

Gasping, she averted her eyes from the fireworks again only to face his shit-eating grin. "T-that's something different. It was my emotional support!"

Taehyung only arched a brow, continuing giving her a doubtful look. Much to her annoyance. "No, I mean it. I don't believe in these New Year's traditions. Or at least I try not to but, who knows.." A rueful smile ghosting over her lips. ".. maybe that's why none of my New Year's wishes ever comes true."

Taehyung looked at her indeciphable expression before looking back at the firework.

"What about you?" She assumed to already know his answer but she was still prying to know.

"I'm superstitious. A little bit at least."

She smiled softly, somehow not being surprised at all. "Oh yeah?"

"I need to, sometimes it's a matter of luck. Especially in what we do." He threw his head back in gleeful joy as another set of fireworks was fired. A cheeky smirk gracing his lips then. "And don't they say luck and timing is everything you need?"

She agreed. Even in medicine where everything was scientific and empirist, they still often had to rely on luck and hope. When it came to a therapy or medication to work or when the surgeons needed to wear their own lucky charms to boost their confidence and succeed in a difficult surgery. But it also depended heavily on the patients themselves, if they believed in it or not.

She laughed under her breath. It was a laugh of self-pity as she felt she neither had luck nor timing. At least not in the way she wanted to. And she emptied her bottle in a swing. A feeling of fizziness and light-headness overtaking her mind.

"You know what?" she blurted out after a short while and giggled highly bemused, "We should kiss for good luck!"

Usually she'd know despite the bubbling feelings for her criminal friend, which she still tried convincing herself didn't exist, that kissing him while being tipsy probably wasn't a good start for anything. But any rationality was clearly last seen 0.5l of mojito mix prior, the very few enzymes she apparently had to break down alcohol, already saturated awhile ago. So her intoxicated mind simply found that sudden idea marvelous and entertaining. She'd never get a proper kiss from him anyway - or any guy in the forseeable future with her work schedules - might as well make him her platonic and amicable New Year's kiss in a desperate attempt for any kind of good luck for that upcoming year.

Taehyung, however, only chuckled when seeing her flushed red cheeks and the empty bottle. Not taking her random request seriously until he saw her face turning into an offended sulk. Bottom lip sticking out. "Wait, really?"

"Yeah, it's the tradition!" she pouted, "I don't want a year of loneliness. So you gotta kiss me!" She had an adorable, almost naive giggle decorating her puffy lips. And for a second his eyes lingered on them before eventually shaking his head.

"I don't think -"

"Then don't think," she grinned. "Let's just do this. Just a quick peck."

"Okay, fine," he dragged a sigh, surprised at himself for giving in so quickly when he and Yoongi always accused Jimin of getting easily wrapped around pretty women's fingers. "O-only 'cause I really don't want you to end up a lonely cat-lady though."

Rolling her eyes, she puffed out a snort. "Thank you. That'd be very kind of you!"

She turned her body fully towards him then, head getting dizzy at her abrupt movement.

Why was he even considering this? Oh yeah, to do her a favour. 

Emptying his own small bottle of wine, he also shifted in his seat before taking a brief look around them.

Kissing in public usually wasn't his style, but this could hardly be considered public as they were practically unnoticable in the amount of people around them. And besides, there'd been several others, whether friends or couples, who had exchanged pecks at the stroke of midnight.

So he exhaled and placed his hands on her arms, holding her in place so she wouldn't accidentally lose her balance as she was already swaying with a silly smile. 

"Alright."

"Mhh, do it."

"I-I'm doing it."

"Fine, then do it."

His skin felt on fire. He shouldn't have drunk that much. He might not be a light-weight like her, but he wasn't a big drinker either.

"Just kiss me already," she began whining impatiently, wiggling under his grip. A couple of loose curls falling from the side and framing her face while doing so. "Or I'll be a bigger loner than I already am."

He frowned with a snort. "That's emotional blackmail," he deadpanned then in an attempt to distract from his irrational nervousness.

But Cassandra immediately paused staring at him wide-eyed as if someone had slapped her and she only now realised where she was and what she was doing.

With an awkward laugh, her eyes fell to the space between them. Perhaps the buzz was beginning to wear off or it was a moment of clarity, but she realised it was pointless if she had to force him. Perhaps that would even give her bad luck in the end. And she already had enough of that.

She shook her head, embarrassed of her tipsy self. "Y-you're right. Forget it. It's a stupid tradition anyway. Can't remember the last time I kissed anyone on New Year's."

His brows furrowed at her sudden change of mind. "No, it's fine. I'm gonna do it."

"No, seriously. We don't have to," she ensured him, her words muffled from her woolen scarf as she tried burying her face in it. Cursing herself from minutes ago for even speaking out that rash nonsense.

However, Taehyung's grip around her upper arms only tightened. Making her grow stiff under his stare.

"I said I would and I keep my word." His voice was calm yet determined, which surprised him considering his hesitation and she dragged a breath, straightening herself under his hands. 

Was it weird that she didn't feel nervous despite it all? Probably. She blamed her low cogitation and the knowledge it wouldn't have any romantic significance anyway. Just friends following a tradition like many others around them.

"Fine, let's go."

He swallowed as he met her warm orbs. And he began fidgeting all over again. "Alright, okay, great. That's what I'm gonna do."

"All right."

His hands left her arms, instead placing themselves around her delicate neck and caging her velvety curls in his palms. A light shiver ran down her spine and she wasn't sure if it was the coldness of his fingers or the warmth of his touch. It was firm yet tender and she sensed her pulse picking up in rate with each passing second.

"Okay, ready?"

Cassandra only nodded, unable to speak all of a sudden. Maybe she wasn't drunk enough to stop her feelings and thoughts taking over her senses after all. 

Her eyes flicked to his heart-shaped lips before making the stupid mistake of glancing back at him and meeting his eyes. His face was open and vulnerable in the streetlamps and fireworks above them and she caught a hint of wonder on it as they stared at each other. Slowly, he began leaning closer. And she swallowed down the tiny gasp that dared escaping her lips.

"One, two.." He paused then, scowling at himself. "No, wait. I'm not actually gonna count down."

"O-okay."

"That's not my style when I kiss."

"Okay."

"I don't count d-"

"Tae, it's fine," Cassandra giggled, interrupting his ramble. She'd never seen him ramble before. Was he.. flustered? She'd always imagined him kissing lots of women in disguise. Even if he always claimed not even Jimin, the actual flirtatious among them, did that.

The thumbs on her cheek gently brushed the stray strands aside then. His eyes shifting to hers again. The last fireworks sparkled in them and for a moment his heart forgot how to beat.

"R-ready?"

"Yeah," she breathed.

He closed his eyes, his face coming close. A deep crease set between his brows then, making his face look rather angry for a kiss. And her tipsy mind ultimately lost focus upon that hilarious realisation.

"What's this face!" she bursted out laughing, unable to contain herself and he backed off, irritated about her laughing fit.

"W-what face?"

"You can't make that face when you try kissing someone," she choked out in between of laughs while pointing at him.

"Oh, so you say something's wrong with my face now?" Taehyung only scoffed, somehow glad about the interruption though. He wondered if his fingers were actually shaking or if it was from the vibrations of her laughter.

"No, idiot! You're handsome and you know it!"

Startled at the unexpected compliment, a timid smirk tucked on his lips at her drunm words. His chest warming despite him downplaying the muddled feeling that was raising. "Oh, so you think I'm handsome now?"

She groaned in annoyance, lightly hitting his chest over the coat. "Don't pretend."

"So, do you want me to kiss you or not?" His teasing smirk returning.

"Maybe if you didn't make that face."

"That's very nice of you considering I'm doing you a favor here," he laughed under his breath. Not remembering any woman having ever made him laugh so much despite complimenting and confusing him at the same time. 

Cassandra inhaled and exhaled deeply, calming himself again somehow. "Alright, let's do this already. No big deal," she nodded to herself, sternly, "Just kiss me."

"Nope."

She gasped at his evil grin. "You were about to, though!"

Taehyung only shrugged unimpressed and abruptly let go of her. "Yeah, before you bruised my ego," he retorted simply, causing her to huff.

"C'mon," she nudged his arm, "I'm sorry. I promise I won't laugh again."

"Apology accepted. But I'm not gonna kiss you." His lopsided smirk torturous, making her frustration grow.

"You're making such a big deal out of it, just kiss me already!"

"I'm not gonna kiss you!"

"Kiss me!"

"No! Not like this!"

Cassandra paused. Her parted lips, ready to counter something back in their bickering, abruptly pressed together into a thin line when processing his last words. She stared at his now bewildered face when he also realised what he had just unintentionally confessed.

"What?" she blinked confused, "What does that mean?"

Taehyung's eyes were wide, panic clouding his mind. "No. No-nothing. I just, I didn't mean it like that," he began with a terrible stutter the longer he looked at her inquiring eyes.

It didn't make sense. He was always capable of staying cool-headed even in stressful situation. It was inevitable in heists and when being in diguise. Then why did he totally blank out with the way her warm bambi eyes were digging daggers into his as the seconds passed. "I just, I mean we can't like that because that's not - it's very - like, you don't.. That's not what -" 

But Cassandra didn't even seem to be listening anymore, staring absendmindedly up at the sky instead, being clearly still tipsy and all over the place - he could tell.

Taehyung stilled then. The beanie was pulled to her brows, scarf hiding half her face. Only her round eyes peeked out, holding a lovely innocent wonder in them.

It was irrational. It was scary. How it was more thrilling celebrating with her and cheap wine from a 24/7 store at the beach, than being in an expensive smoking on a yacht surrounded by millionairs while drinking the most expensive champagne.

Cassandra abruptly shook herself out of her short abstraction then and flashed him a smile. 

"Come, let's leave or you wanna get hypothermia?" She was joking, but he noticed her anew shivering and he realised she must still be cold. 

"Y-yeah, let's go."

»»»

The new year was only a couple of hours old. Quite early to go home for most, but Cassandra felt exhausted despite having completely sobered up by now. Much to her own dismay, she wasn't the night owl she'd used to be anymore.

The air felt colder when she turned into her street. The way home taking longer than expected due to what it seemed half of the city being out on the streets and traffic jams everywhere. Lines of cars, impatiently honking and only moving for a few centimetres before having to stop again.

Taehyung followed behind her, wanting to fetch his gift before leaving the city again. It wasn't unusual for him to only stay for a day there before having to move again, but somehow she'd hoped he'd stay longer. 

The night breeze hit his warm cheeks as they reached the front door and she fumbled with the keys in the dark. Eventually finding the right one and unlocking the door, allowing them both to enter.

The painting was on the coffee table where he'd left it. He picked it up, examining it one more time in silence before tucking it under his arm and heading back to where she was in the hallway. Still busy taking off her shoes and jacket.

"Thanks again for this," he smiled gently and watched her lowering the beanie, ruffling through her curls to give them some of their lost volume back. "I'll make sure to store it in a save place." His voice was almost a whisper when he attempted to open the door, only to sense her tugging at his coat.

"Wait, I-" She pursed her lips, gaze falling as she saw his questioning glance. "I wanted to say thank you for spending the turn of the year with me.. I appreciate you coming all the way here so I wouldn't be lonely tonight."

His lips parted, taken aback. Had it been so obvious after all? However, he chose to pretend being confused and not knowing what she meant instead. "Who says that was my reason?"

Cassandra shrugged, lips curling into a rueful smile. "Maybe I just wished it was.. Whatever it was, still thank you. And I'm sorry."

Taehyung frowned. Gaze falling as well. "No need to apologise," he muttered, instinctively knowing what she was referring to. He swallowed then, shoving his free hand into his pocket. 

In retrospective, it hadn't been such a big deal and yet, he was glad he hadn't proceeded to kiss her like that. He knew he'd have regretted in the long run.

"I feel like it, though," Cassandra continued then with a sigh, "I feel so stupid. I shouldn't have insisted on keeping a tradition. Especially since I don't even believe in supersticious stuff."

He eyed her with a doubtful look, making her roll her eyes and sigh in defeat.

"Fine, I do. Sometimes. Some stuff. Not all."

He chuckled lightly making her smile.

Truth was, Cassandra was disappointed in herself for getting so weak and desperate, putting him in such a position and creating this awkward tension between them.

"Tae, you didn't have to kiss me." She felt like she needed to underline this. Her voice small and filled with guilt and shame. "Please, don't feel bad."

"I know, don't worry," he reassured before they grew quiet. 

In times like this she really disliked his withdrawn and secretive personality. Usually his aloof and coy aura intrigued her, but right now she needed him to speak to her. And the fact he didn't, made her fidgety.

They stood there for a second longer. 

Faint music was echoing from somewhere in the building while the piercing sound of lonely firecrackers was heard from the streets.

"Well, okay good then.. goodnight. And Happy New Year again." She tried sounding cheerful, masking her regret of screwing things over in her irrational state.

She wouldn't see him again for an indefinite period and that was how they'd be parting ways now. She hated herself from two hours ago.

Dragging out a breath, she reached for the door handle to let him out when a grip on her elbow prevented her from doing so. 

Taehyung grabbed her arm and in a swift move, pulled Cassandra into his chest. Strong arms catching her, wrapping around her smaller figure and before she could even properly react, his lips had already engulfed hers.

That was it. All the self-control she'd exerted over the past months went straight out the window in that moment. Her neurological system completely shutting down by the overload of neurotransmitters, hormones and endorphines, simply swiping her mind blank with the only remaining thought being how incredible his warm lips felt against hers.

Her arms instinctively found their way around his neck to pull him even closer. Feeling the cold metal of his necklace against her fingertips. And she kissed him back fiercely, Taehyung wounding his hands more into her long hair at this. It curled around his fingers, silky and fluffy and for a moment he lost any sense of time or his surroundings when all he could feel was the vibration of her skin against his and the bewitching rum-lime taste of her lips full of unspoken feelings and endless promises. 

Their lips moved, molding, melting into one another. Whatever logic and reason there had been, had long gone away. There was nothing left but their intertwined lips and breaths.

Eventually, they slipped from each other after what felt like an eternity but could have only been a minute. Panting against each other.

Their eyes remained closed, not daring opening and letting that moment ending in smoke so soon. Taehyung rested his dazed forehead against hers and leaned in. Planting one last kiss on her lips, this time less heated but rather tender and mellow. Savioring the last bit of the sour-tasting liquor mixed with his sweet wine. And Cassandra leaned into him more before they let go of each other at last.

Her eyes fluttered open immediately, dark lashes lining against her pale skin in a state of surreal haze. He wasn't sure if she'd ever looked more beautiful as in that moment, right after he'd kissed her and he felt the urge to do it again at this sight. 

"I meant something like that."

With that, he stepped back and picked up the painting from where he'd set it on the ground. Brushing past her. And he left without saying anything else.

Cassandra stood there in the empty hallway, stunned. Everything around her was spinning and she feared she was intoxicated all over again.

Her fingers slowly rose then to touch her numb lips. Ensuring they were still there. Along with the lasting sense of Taehyung's touch.

Her New Year's wish had finally come true.

»»»

next chapter: 0.8 here

Don't forget to like, comment & leave feedback!♡ It motivates me to keep writing :)

taglist: @lilanyxta @naoolammao345 @memna234 @tetehion @myblacklilame

[kimbapisnotsushi]

it's akaashi's birthday!!! you guys know what that means!!!!!!!!!! have some timeskip special headcanons about akaashi and co. let's go!!!!

i think akaashi deserves a spin-off about his misadventures in the manga department honestly

gekkan shoujo nozaki kun. sekaiichi hatsukoi. bakuman. there is a lesson to be learned here people!!!!!

tenma gifts him a planner for his birthday and the first thing he does after opening it is mark all of tenma's deadlines. which he also has recorded in his phone calendar. AND he has them memorized. AND on sticky notes scattered throughout the office

tenma: you know i got you this planner so that you wouldn't have to put sticky notes everywhere, right? akaashi, sleep-deprived and running on five cups of coffee: time waits for no one, udai-san

the office has a special "akaashi keiji emergency rest kit" for when he falls asleep at his desk

it's got a blanket if it's cold, a pillow they tuck under his head, a bottle of water and snacks they leave next to him if he gets hungry/thirsty when he wakes up, and an eye mask that they put on him after they take off his glasses

idk i think the whole office really loves akaashi

and he really loves them back!!!! they're a team!!! they work together!!!! deadlines might be hell but at least it's a hell they're united in!!!

akaashi finding love and contentment and happiness in a place he initially wasn't sure about is everything to me okay

also i think he wingmans tenma and akiteru. i think it'd be very funny.

akaashi knows it's bad when he catches tenma drafting a whole new romance plot and he's like "udai-san. please. you have something due in five days you canNOT be doing this right now"

honestly akaashi just wants them to get together so that tenma will stop being dreamy and distracted and ACTUALLY focus on getting his manuscript done on time

and then they DO get together and akaashi is subjected to even more dreamy sighs and staring off into the distance and whatnot

tenma is such a disaster you guys i love him

ALSO YOU KNOW HOW MANGAKAS HAVE A LIL MASCOT TO REPRESENT THEMSELVES IN THE AUTHOR'S NOTE. TENMA'S IS DEFINITELY SOME KIND OF CROW

someone asks tenma if he has a favorite pro vball player and tenma says "hinata shouyou" with the BIGGEST smile on his face and hinata almost cries

LMAO HOW FUNNY WOULD IT BE IF KENMA OFFERED TO BANKROLL AND DEVELOP A ZOMBIE KNIGHTS VIDEO GAME

i mean i barely even know what zkz is about but based on the title i feel like it'd make a good video game

yachi can help design . . . lev and komi can voice act . . . yes . . . it's all coming together . . .

NEVER MIND I KNOW WHAT IT IS I READ A TRANSLATION OF THE LIGHT NOVEL IN THE MIDDLE OF WRITING THIS

he wrote zkz in a restaurant are you SHITTING me udai tenma i love you

so apparently it got discontinued?? instead of allowing tenma to finish it the way he wanted?? so when tenma hears that kenma wants to make a video game out of it he ends up in tears

kenma's like "well it might have failed as a manga. but i think it'd make a pretty good video game, if you want to help out with that"

god everything about it makes me want to cry actually. tenma who is still chasing after his dreams. and akaashi right there, learning how to be better. learning how to be passionate. learning how to give tenma his all. because he's TENMA'S editor and he'll be damned if he doesn't do it well.

udai tenma in an interview about meteo attack: "yes, i am sad i didn't get a chance to end zkz in a way that would have made me happy. it was my first series, and that's always going to be precious to me. but meteo attack is one i'm looking forward to. it's a story about learning how to fly, when everybody else has long since been trampling on your wings and telling you that you can't."

sorry i did NOT mean to get this emotional over them. but now i am. and i am going to be thinking about it forever

meteo attack def gets raving reviews from players in the pro volleyball league, especially from hinata shouyou

[mossmittens]

3, 5, 12, 13 14 for the Ask Game

This one is LONG, sorry all

3. Favorite musical artist / group you started listening to this year?

I'd heard RAYE and Escapism before this year, but I finally started digging into her music for real and was so pleased. Her live performances are magical. Highly recommend her medley at the Brits — the bridge from Ice Cream Man is an earworm that puts me on the floor and the CHOIR for Prada and Escapism. I want to live in it. Maybe I relate to this album too much to be healthy sjkhgfkjgd

Other songs I loved: Josephine Oniyama - House of Mirrors, Labi Siffre - Bless the Telephone, Kacey Musgraves - camera roll, Bob Dylan - Knocking on Heaven's Door, Troye Sivan - Rager teenager!, Sufjan Stevens - Will Anybody Ever Love Me?

5. TV show of the year?

I mean, the Delicious in Dungeon anime coming out this year defined the year for me, so it must be that. I wouldn't have read the manga if the show hadn't swept me away. Genuinely, it is impossible to guess the person I would be today if I hadn't seen it, which feels crazy.

12. Talk about a new friend you made this year

This is like a part 2 to the previous question djghfhjd. I absolutely refuse to choose just one, though. I found a core group of fandom friends that I really adore. Pompoms, making stupid emojis and edits just to make them laugh, forcing them to stream video games for my amusement while I very loudly eat sandwiches into the mic, stupid in-jokes we can't possibly explain without sounding insane. It's a complete pleasure to know them 💞 mwah mwah mwah to you all

But that's not all! I started talking to mutuals I've had for years and made some new ones. I've never really talked to people here before and I always felt like I was shouting into the void. It's been a nice change of pace and I love my little circle to bits.

Sorry for the long-winded answer, but I have so many warm feelings rn!

FYI: My backup accounts are @moss-mittens or @mossmittens2 (for dunmeshi stuff), if you would like to follow them. Won't be posting there unless I get nuked again, so don't worry about double posting. Also happy to share my Discord with moots :)

13. How was your birthday this year?

It was actually a shit day in the moment, but it turned out to be a really special memory. My whole family visited my grandpa, who I share a birthday with. He had a big health scare last December, so we were worried about him not making it to his birthday but he did!!

What makes it special is that he winded up passing two weeks ago. He was my favorite out of an army of grandparents, step-grandparents, ex-step-grandparents. I'm so lucky that I got to spend one last birthday with him, so I'm gonna treasure that stupid, awful day forever.

14. Favorite book you read this year?

A Curious History of Sex by Kate Lister is a complete joy, though I admit I haven't finished it. It's more of a collection of essays on selected parts of sex history than a wide-ranging deep dive, but the writing is easy to get through. It's very sex positive and sex work positive.

On the complete opposite end of the spectrum, I reread The Westing Game by Ellen Raskin. It's a mystery written for children and you can probably get through it in an afternoon. It's just a wonderful and well-constructed story. Highly recommend to people who like to read a mystery and don't try to solve it haha

[epickiya722]

Hi Kiya, hope you are doing well.

What inspired you to come up with the concept and ideas for the Star's Rebirth AU?

I'm doing fine, thank you! I low-key having been neglecting my sleep but I'm now back on track!ദ്ദി ( ᵔ ᗜ ᵔ )

Oooh, I was asked a similar question before! But I'd like to talk about it again.

The first story, His Role, was just a story I wrote on a whim. I was going though an emotional period and needed to get my feelings together and distract myself. I started writing that story and somehow it became a 17K+ fic that begun a series of the idea of "what if Yuji was Tengen's vessel".

I also wanted to write more interactions between Kenjaku and Yuji and also try out the "Sukuna and Yuji are twins" concept.

Which before I really got into writing the AU was already a post I was working on, you can read that here.

After His Role, I actually didn't think I would turn it into a series. But I was a lot more invested than I thought!

While that fic was Yuji becoming Tengen's vessel, the following stories were exploring him and the others adjusting to the new changes.

His Mercy and Her Tears are both birthday fics! His Mercy is for Yuji's birthday. In that fic, I touch on some ideas I had in mind. The fic is like a story made up of smaller ones. The characters celebrate Yuji's 16th birthday and then other things happen, most of which are discussions between characters.

I knew I wanted to write a fic for Yuji's birthday, but I didn't have a clue as to what should happen in the fic.

Unlike the former, Her Tears is of an idea I had in mind for a long time and it wasn't until Nobara's birthday came around that I wrote it. It also doesn't take place on Nobara's birthday. Instead, it's more of Nobara reconnecting with some important people in her life while out one day.

His Mother, that takes place after His Mercy, and Her Weightlessness are both fics where I explore Kaori's character, the latter being a fic that explores Kaori's made-up backstory before the narrative of JJK took place.

In canon, the most we know very little of her and I decided to take a stab at conjuring an image of what she could have been like. I headcanon that Yuji would have gotten his personality from her.

If you asked me, I can see Yuji being a mama's boy. Like, he and Kaori have a good relationship and are like two peas in a pod. So similar in behavior that even though he looks like the men in his family, Yuji is like Kaori's mini-me.

Then there's His Following! That fic actually was going to a long one shot with His Mercy, however, I had a feeling I wasn't going to finish that version in time for Yuji's birthday. So I scrapped the idea and used it for what is His Following, a fic that should be multi-chaptered.

I had a thought one day about the possibility of Sukuna having a "fan club", like the Star Religious Group, in modern time and used that to develop the plot.

I also wanted to have my own JJK OC to write for. Asahi, I didn't have a last name for her until I thought "it would be funny if she was a Gojo". I had everything else in mind for her but that until then. (Feel free to ask more about her if you want, folks.)

While I love her, I'm not actually sure how everyone else feels about her. I don't think anyone has really said anything, but it's whatever.

Once I decided to make her a Gojo, I immediately opted to make her a sibling to Gojo. I often see sibling OCs for him. Instead, I made her a cousin of sorts to him and older. She's like that cool older cousin/aunt.

There's also The Pink Sky and Cherry Blossoms.

That fic actually wasn't a part of the AU until I decided to add Uro to the AU. The fic explores her, how she feels. I really enjoys Uro in the manga and just felt it was only right to write a fic for her and where she interacts with my other pink haired fave, Yuji.

It was definitely a challenge to write that fic, it was. But sometimes I like to challenge myself.

And that's all I have to say for the AU!!

Overall, the AU was just another one of my "what crazy idea Kiya will cook up this time" moments.

I'm surprised people have read the fics, too. I thought people wouldn't have taken to them, but I had a pleasant surprise there!

Fic Backstory Ask

[koalaforlife]

Happy Birthday, Hange Zoë

This is a story of how Hange became one of my favorite characters now after so long, and how I think they are one of the most underrated characters, always pushed aside (probably due to a lack of an emotional backstory and lack of the relatability factor). 

For starters, I will note that I will most likely end up referring to them as she/her because in my mind (thanks to the anime), I can’t help but see this character as a female and honestly, I’ve been struggling for Idk, all my life? to find a female character in any media that ticks all the boxes for me (I have plenty of ultimate faves in terms of male characters instead) and to my utmost surprise now, I think Hange just might be the one so allow me to fulfil my long-time desire of finding a great female character that I can call my ultimate favorite.

Also, it's important to mention that for the longest time, my favorite AoT characters had been Levi (ultimate bias) with Erwin coming in a veeeery close second. 

Let me start with the beginning. When I first saw her in the first season of SnK, the exaggerated reactions that were meant to be comic relief only made this “mad/obsessed” character more cringe to me. Not to say I hated them, I just…got second-hand embarrassment from watching them. I didn’t quite get a good grasp of the character and probably like 90% of the fandom, I just saw them as just another character fading in and out of the background, that at times helps the plot advance with some new bits of info.

Then, at some point, I probably saw some cool scenes of them that gave me a pleasant surprise (eg. when she threatens to push Pastor Nick off the wall) but as I was getting distracted by other, more impactful and shocking scenes, I wouldn’t really think much of it and I didn’t actually use them to form a full character portrait/depiction in my mind. These scenes, few and far between, were forgotten in the end.

When I became a more active reader and passionate fan, about 4 years ago I would say, somehow I ended up learning about the pair LeviHan, and it really won me over with their dynamics. Whether people choose to ship them romantically or not, there is nothing that can deny the fact that they had a special friendship in canon AoT. 

In any case, to my shame, I have to admit I started paying attention to Hange because of that ship, and though I didn’t realize it at that time, I liked her for the most part because of that ship. So basically, I liked her because of my favorite character, Levi. Of course, I still liked the legendary trio, Erwin, Hange, Levi, but again, I don’t think I was that attached to her as a singular character.

Soon after, I dropped out of fandom when the manga took a really weird turn for me. I started disliking it and it went on for a while. I lost my hope in it getting any better. I don’t know why it affected me THIS much but I can only assume it had something to do with my mental state back then. 

Now, after almost 4 years, I reprised the manga and watched the final season of the anime. I felt differently, way more tolerant and accepting of whatever direction the story was going to take. And I can’t say I am unhappy with it, I just think that certain parts seemed like cliches and overused tropes, which is not very characteristic of Isayama, but oh well. I think the poor man was exhausted and wanted to finish it asap, and I can’t blame him. 

Speaking of mental health, a few months back I had gone through a major shift where I started thinking more positively overall. I think this is important to mention because it’s probably why I also saw Hange with such different eyes this time. 

And, I think this is also why I finally got ready to read the rest of the manga, despite knowing she dies. That was the only spoiler I got, and when I first heard it years ago, I was “disappointed, but not surprised” - at that time like I said, I had lost all hope in the manga. And once again, I had felt more sad about it because of Levi, who’s lost everyone he cared for deeply and who understood him. Once again, I had failed to see Hange as a singular character with massive importance in the story, instead of just a convenient accessory to Levi. 

So why is this character important? There are many reasons why she was integral to the story, and inspirational to us readers, so I will try to summarize all that.

1. Open-mindedness

I don’t think most people remember (I know I didn’t) how she was the only one who first tried to challenge our perspective on titans. 

For decades, we've tried to fight the Titans with hatred in our hearts. I want to try and see them from a different angle than the current norm.

Call it maybe foreshadowing, or just Isayama trying hard to come up with a unique, arguably crazy character (that’s what I thought at the time), but when you think about it, it’s something that was desperately needed. When you don’t understand and know something, try to look at it from a different point of view. When you are afraid of something and the situation is dire, try to dare to hope there might be something good in it.

Armin: They decided we're devils without knowing our intentions? Why won't they consider a path of peace?

Mikasa: I think...because they don't know. They fear us because they don't know what we are.

Hange: That's right. They won't trust people whose faces they haven't seen. So let's meet 'em! If you don't understand something, go figure it out! Isn't that what we Scouts do?

That positivity, openness, and exuberance shines throughout most of the scenes we get with Hange in the first season, and when things get serious in Season 2, we also get a glimpse of their duality: though they were someone that faced titans with excitement, they were not to be messed with when it came to protecting people.

2. Humanity  / Emotional Intelligence

That duality becomes more apparent in Season 3, where we see them shine on their own. And btw, one of my kinks in this season/arc was the fact that the OP, goated trio, EruRiHan, were each on their own having to call the shots and contribute to the team’s success with little to no communication at times. Fills my heart with warm fuzzy feels and pride :D Anyway back to Hange. :D 

Hange displays some nice people skills as she is trying to tie the “reputation” loose end and clear their names and seek answers, truth, and justice, by collaborating with Flegel, Roy, and Beaure.

Some notable quotes here are the following:

[speech to flegel] Well, you have a point. The thing is, that doesn't sound like living to me. Look at it this way, Flegel. Instead of scampering around like a scared little mouse your whole life, wouldn't you rather face up to your enemy, even if it means risking your life--?

and one of my most favorites,

“What are you talking about? Defeat is all the Survey Corps have ever known. (said with a fucking sunshine on their face, because they are literal sunshine)

And when all is cleared up,

Levi: Looks like the gamble paid off.

Hange: Yeah. It wasn't just Erwin though. The lone choices of many managed to change the world.

This sentence  just made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside because it sounds inspirational to me: it's the small things we can all do that help shape the world, and it's not just the more inspirational, brave, and special people that bring change, it's all of us.

If for some reason the previous scenes weren’t enough to see what an empathetic and people-oriented person she was (eg. when she tries to befriend Eren, Levi and his friends, when she gives Sasha a potato as thanks, when she admits she wasn’t going to harm Pastor Nick, and was visibly disturbed by his death)….well this line I think perfectly shows how Hange encompasses teamwork, people’s unity, compassion, friendship. 

3. Mental Strength

However, at the same time, they are not afraid to get their hands dirty. Just like pretty much every relevant character in this story, they have to kill (or torture) to survive or to help humanity. That ability to know what needs to be done and get it done comes with a certain life experience and maturity that a lot of our main characters still have to achieve, which is probably why Hange gets overlooked as she already is a matured, developed character for the most part of the story, who doesn’t really need to make any life-altering decisions that shape their personality in one way or another.

But for me, that was a plus, actually. Don’t get me wrong, I love Armin’s growth, Conny’s development, Reiner and Annie’s inner conflicts, Historia’s whole arc, and some other minor character developments (Sasha and Ymir). But I can’t help but admire Hange now when I look at a more complete picture: a person with love for knowledge and love for life, but with a feral instict and strength to protect that same thing she loves - the lives of innocent people and the access to truth and knowledge.

There are people I want to bring back, too. Hundreds of them. I've had to say farewell since the day I joined the Scouts. But...You know, don't you? No matter who it is, there comes a day to say farewell. I know it's impossible, but you have to accept this. There will be times you can't keep your sanity. It's tough. Very tough. I know. Even so, we have to keep moving forward. 

4. Honesty and Accountability

Hange is blunt ("I agree. I thought it should've been used on Erwin...") and always takes responsibility for her decisions especially when she knows it might affect someone's mental state. ("The decision was mine. You were just a factor."/"I said the decision was mine."). I don't think people appreciate how important this is.

5. Flaws

When she gets overwhelmed with politics, responsabilities, and stress, and overpowered by the Jagerists, it is almost humiliating to see her cuffed and rendered useless, unable to do anything but follow the stronger ones. You can see how she slowly realizes that this surpasses her abilities to tackle the politics and the grim reality that the world most likely wants them dead. Defeated, she says

Erwin, you only made one mistake in your life. Why did you make me a commander?

I am sure some people would agree with her, but honestly, I disagree. First, there was literally no better option. Second, Erwin had an ability to see, understand, and manipulate people. If he nominated her, he must have believed in her enough, just as he believed in Levi and Armin when he entrusted them with crucial tasks. And third, some may argue that Erwin would have handled the situation better. But while Erwin might have probably been less stressed and overwhelmed with the political discussions, the reality would still be the same, and he would have had to work with the same equations and factors: world wants them dead, eren doesn’t want to sacrifice historia, eren wants the rumbling, what’s there to do? what could have Erwin done better in these circumstances? 

This new side of Hange’s character is really sad, but it makes her relatable in my opinion. I know a lot of people find other characters relatable instead, but for me this part right here speaks more to me than others. This sort of impostor syndrome (which Armin also suffers from), and the clear showcase of a character’s flaws and failures for the first time (when did we see Hange fail before?), all these things bring her down from the sort of “great character with no mistakes” pedestal and make her seem more like…us.

How many times did we not get some huge responsibility that we felt we were not good enough for, and doubted ourselves? Be it a project at work, leading a team, parenting, or even simple things like not being good enough at some hobby that you want to pursue, or good enough to be in a relationship with someone. These doubts are human and okay to have, and there's nothing wrong with that, but...

6. Resilience 

But what’s important is to keep moving forward and do your best, do whatever you can to change the outcome for the better, and if you fail, don’t go too hard on yourself. Hange knew that she did all she could, and she kept moving forward, even though she felt so down at times and almost as if she wanted to give up. 

Looks like my turn has come...even though I thought I did the right thing. Times change and you end up in a cell....What do you say we live out here, forever?

[a few moments later]

Levi: There's no way in hell you can stay out of the action.

Hange: Yeah, I can't. (bittersweet smile)

She does what she does best: she moves forward. She saves Levi and nurses him back to health, risking both of their lives in the process (I guess she was possessed by Erwin’s gambling spirit? :D or she was just THAT determined to ensure their survival). She seeks to form an alliance with the remaining survivors, including the Marleyans. 

In the forest scene, you could say that she is the one presiding over them, and the funny thing is, she does it while cooking dinner. It’s kind of symbolic if you ask me, as food is crucial to our survival, but it’s also something that brings people together. 

7. Integrity

One of the most powerful quotes in my opinion, is this one

I’ll be damned before we justify genocide somehow.

[manga: There is nothing anyone can say to change my mind about that.]

It really showcases her determination to save human lives and a core belief that makes her just more admirable in my opinion: genocide is wrong.

But I'm sure none of them would have been so selfish as to say..."as long as the island has freedom, that's all that matters."

Her demise is so characteristic of her - she’d always been fascinated with titans, but that never stopped her from killing them in order to survive and to save people’s lives. Her goodbye words to Levi and that lovely chuckle of hers once again reminded us of that familiar “all sunshine and rainbows” energy she always had. And then she fell like a burning star. 

The music choice couldn’t have been more perfect. I admit I didn’t even remember this song before, but now it’s one of my all-time favorites, and I can’t help but feel all kinds of bittersweet and nostalgic when I hear it now.

Hange is now my favorite character, up there with Levi, and irrespective of Levi and their relationship. I love her because to me she is relatable, because she encompasses pure things such as willingness to understand and accept things and people she doesn’t know, exuberance, love for life, and curiosity. I love her because of her duality- both flawed and strong, both sweet and menacing, and I love her because she never loses her integrity as a human being. Hange brought more to the story than most of us think, she wasn’t just comic relief or a vessel to share information about the lore, she brought our beloved characters together and nurtured them, and she was the embodiment of what the Survey Corps represented: exploration, understanding, and bravery. If Erwin was the mastermind that pushed them forward, and Levi the one that protected them the most, I like to think Hange was the glue that kept them together, and kept them going with her positivity and passion for life.

[toastspirit]

I spend an unfortunate amount of time wallowing in self hatred but y’know I’ve got a pretty interesting set of character traits once I get past that!!

-scared of people and being perceived + has poor social skills, does acting whenever possible

-specifically does improv comedy despite not really being funny and again, being very anxious

-constructed a whole plan/persona pretransition to make myself incredibly unnoticeable to avoid being remembered as a girl, planning to become more outgoing after coming out. It kind of worked! (Also still did theater despite The Plan)

-was almost given a Christmas themed name (my birthday is Christmas in some cultures, including my parents’)

-chose the second name I liked for my first name. Which was just the first name I liked but more normal. Routinely lies to people when asked of the origin (which is rare anyways!!! Let me lie more it’s funny)

-chose middle name as an attempt to pacify my mom, who was unhappy with my name change. Unsure if it was successful (?)

-sang in chorus by choice for ~eight years straight, suddenly stopped post HS and never did it again (tbf it hasn’t been that long)

-occasionally forgets how to spell simple words/what previously known words mean. Is an English major

-despite playing Minecraft for a significant portion of my childhood, I’ve only beaten it once without cheating and that was as a tag-along player (I was not helpful!)

-has forgotten both my chosen name and deadname before

-refuses to tell anyone my pre-ToastSpirit online name since it’s attached to my wattpad account

-on that tangent, wrote a Percy Jackson fic in middle school (sometimes on my school chromebook) which has 90k+ reads. It was never finished rip

-my parents have cardboard cutouts of me and my brother in the kitchen. I am afraid of them

-I have spent almost all of my money on plushies and at one point the majority of my floor space was Squishmallows. (I no longer collect Squishmallows)

-was briefly an (unsuccessful) animal jam YouTuber but showed up in some more popular people’s videos

-has thrown up blood repeatedly and never mentioned this to a doctor

-was a Girl Scout from kindergarten to sophomore year (?) of HS. No longer a girl, did not identify as one for all those years. (Stayed until the dysphoria was unbearable to use as college application filler. Came out to troop leader via email and disappeared without telling anyone else, and hid from other members whenever possible)

-also never tried all the GS cookies due to refusing to eat peanuts. Not allergic, just picky.

-potentially allergic to the cold, lives in a pretty cold US state, was born in winter, was my favorite season for most of my life

-can drive, shockingly

-family begged me not to tell anyone what my first job is as it’s embarrassing or something (they also begged me to quit for the brief time I worked there. I lasted a couple shifts?)

-scratched and hissed at people as a child. Did perhaps not fully grow out of this (this started before reading Warriors, surprisingly)

-was introduced to Pokemon as a small child, every other aspect of who I am changed, became more obsessed with Pokemon somehow

-started reading a manga series at eight years old, owns all the books now, has not finished it

-can barely remember anything but knows every single Pokemon + lots of other Pokemon stuff

-forgot the vast majority of my childhood, dad is convinced I am purposefully repressing it for gender reasons. Legitimately just forgot it

-submitted Pokemon drawings in art class, art teacher randomly put it in the yearbook once or twice

-had two nosebleeds total throughout my life (trampoline accidents at the same friend’s house), until my nose would randomly start bleeding in my first semester of college (after being sick)

-constantly needs to be doing a bit/chronically unserious due to being terrified of vulnerability

-was at one point only staying alive to finish my part for a Warriors MAP on scratch. It was NOT good

-has made it to almost-20 despite not developing emotional regulation much better than the “im going to kms but need to finish this shitty animation” period of my life mentioned above. A true miracle.

-primary social media was quizup for several years

-took Latin due to being too into mythology… Still suffering the consequences of this middle school choice

-name was mispronounced by Latin teacher for multiple years. Never corrected him

-just remembered this one. Everyone had to submit drawings for a Latin assignment, which were displayed in class for months. Drew some furry shit. Did not get bullied for this (but was bullied previously!)

-straight up said “I’d rather die than live as a woman” in college essay, was shown to two HS teachers, somehow ended up in the final draft anyways????

-ended up going to a college I was certain I would not get into, after applying to it a couple hours before the deadline. Only applied because my dad asked me to. Typing this while lying in my dorm! :P

-probably not a binary trans man but hasn’t told anyone this

-and other stuff~!

[lordisitmine]

TTNBD BLOG: PART ONE

I'm doing something different with this story. I always have much to say in the notes of my fanfiction and I'm usually bursting to talk about behind the scenes/commentary stuff, so I've decided to do blog posts to correspond with the updates of this story. I don't know if I'll do one for every single chapter, some of them may be grouped, but I hope people will find them interesting just the same! This post is to cover the first update, that being the prologue and the first chapter. Obviously, spoilers for those if you haven't read them yet.

INTRODUCTION

My writing process for a fic usually starts with the nagging vision of a single scene. It might be an ending, a beginning or a middle, but if it burns in my mind long enough that I have to write it down, that usually means that it will continue to stick around until I've done something about it.

Such was the case with To the End of Everything. In the late summer of 2014 (August I believe), I was on the bus, going to work, day dreaming (I can't read or watch videos in a moving vehicle, I'm very prone to motion sickness). I had recently been re-reading the first few arcs of the Kuroshitsuji manga and had finally gotten around to season two of the anime. Seeing Ciel as a demon gave me about six hundred thousand emotions, and so it was on my mind at the time.

Suddenly, a scene started to play out in my brain, and it was genuinely like watching a movie. I could see it all clear as day. It was Sebastian and Ciel, both demons, in twenty-first century London, standing at the grave of Ciel himself, on Ciel's one-hundredth-and-something birthday. Sebastian was holding a giant bouquet of roses and Ciel was rolling his eyes and pretending not to be totally charmed by the gesture.

This, of course, is the epilogue of TTEOE. That one scene dug its claws into me so completely that I spent the next four years writing an entire novel to explain how it was that the two of them ended up in that situation in the first place.

Fast-forward to the fall of 2018. It's almost Halloween, and I'm finally, finally, putting the finishing touches on the final chapter of TTEOE. Ciel and Sebastian are standing in the ruins of Phantomhive manor, which has been destroyed (again). The man who killed Ciel's parents has been defeated. The great evil has been vanquished. The contract between Ciel and Sebastian has come to fruition, but instead of Sebastian consuming Ciel's soul, he has transformed it. Ciel has been transformed into a demon, and he and Sebastian are even more irrevocably bonded than they already were (more on that later).

There were, however, still a few loose ends. No ending is ever truly clean, not in real life. And sure, this was fiction, but I like to leave room for my readers to imagine what might happen next for themselves, and also give myself a little bit of breathing room as an author, in case I ever do decide to write a sequel. But when I wrote the lines about Sir Arthur's followers still being out there, I didn't have any concrete plans to do anything about it.

Until about ten months later.

August, 2019. What is it with me and August? Well, whatever it was, it got me again. The same cemetery, the same grave. Only this time, it wasn't the twenty-first century. Ciel's death was still fairly recent in the grand scheme of things. And instead of Ciel standing in front of his own tombstone on his own birthday, it was Lizzy, bundled up in the cold, carrying out her grieving ritual, even still, visiting Ciel in order to wish him a happy birthday and to tell him she hoped he was in a better place.

And then an immediate hard cut to Ciel and Sebastian in Paris having wild sex. Here, let me quote my own outline document, which is the first thing I write for any fic, the place where I messily scribble down everything I want to happen in order to then break it down into scenes and fully write it later. I wrote this back in 2019.

"Lizzy visits Ciel’s grave. She tells him about her latest life update, how med school is going, how her friend Sybil has invited her to go to Paris for the holiday, and how excited she is that her parents said yes, on the condition that she take the servants with her to keep her safe. They've become super extra protective ever since the business of Ciel’s death and all that. Lizzy seems to be doing better, as the last time she visited Ciel’s grave was months ago, and we are led to believe she used to come here all the time. She ends the visit by telling Ciel that she might not be back for some time, and that she truly hopes he’s in a better place.

Cut to Ciel, who is indeed in a much better place- namely Paris, in some ridiculously lavish bed in a ridiculously lavish apartment, getting his ass eaten and his back blown out. It’s his birthday after all, and Sebastian won’t let him forget it, even if Ciel thinks birthdays are a foolish thing for demons to celebrate. It’s also their anniversary though, of the day they made the Bond, and Ciel doesn’t mind celebrating that one so much."

So, yes. I've been sitting on this sequel for some time.

The problem this time, unlike with TTEOE, was that I had no idea what to do with these two scenes. They were obviously the beginning of something, but the beginning of what, I had no idea. With TTEOE, I had elements from canon to draw upon, and an obvious goal- tell the story of how Ciel got his revenge and became a demon.

But here, any conclusion I might have was more vague. The cult was still out there, so maybe something happens that brings Ciel and Sebastian back to London? But to what end? Ciel is supposed to be dead, so it's not like he can just re-enter his old life.

I knew for sure I wanted the story to focus on Lizzy as well, to give her a narrative arc of her own, and maybe a romance (a sapphic one, obviously, because that's how we do things in my house). Would she know Ciel was still alive? Would she be a victim? And who would be the villain? Who had taken over in Sir Arthur's stead, and what was their even worse, even bigger plan that the gang would have to foil?

Obviously, I now have answers to all of these questions. But of course, those answers are for me to know, and for you to find out.

So, over the course of the last few years, I've been coming back to this story, adding random pieces in by bursts of inspiration, building a Frankenstein's monster of sorts. Trying to create life. And then a year ago in December of 2022, I decided I was ready to flip the switch, summon the lightning, and actually sit down and write this son of a bitch.

I really did intend to have it done a lot sooner than this. I was, in retrospect, a bit premature in announcing my intentions. However, one of an author's biggest motivations is their audience, so I think it was good that I knew people were waiting for me to do it, even if it did cause me to stress myself out more than a few times. But that;s completely on me, not on you, the reader.

I won't get too much into my personal life, but a number of things happened this that contributed to creative drought and periods of business that prevented me from writing. But I had encouragement from you guys, and I'll always be grateful for that, because it got us all here!

PROLOGUE: COUP DE FOUDRE

TTEOE had an epilogue; TTNBD has a prologue. There are several through-lines in this story (and oh boy has that been a BITCH to plot out, I hope it will be worth it) and a couple of those through-lines start years and years before the rest of the story, so I sectioned them off like this. Also, having a prologue makes me feel a little fancy.

Original characters are a touchy subject in fanficiton for some people. I personally don't read a lot of fic with OCs, which is wild because I'm currently writing one. But whenn they're executed well, some of the best fics I've read have had OCs play a major role. Of course, self-insert OCs are their own sub-genre, but that's not what is happening here. There were holes in the story I wanted to tell that needed characters to fill them, and none of the existing characters could reasonably be stretched to fill those holes. So original characters it was!

There are three original characters in this story; Sybil, who plays the most major role, who you met as a baby in this chapter and who you'll see as an adult in the next one. Then there's her father Simeon, who you've met as well, and another character who I won't mention by name yet because they're going to be introduced in next week's instalment! Both Simeon and this other person play lesser parts in the story, but they're important. I will be doing drawings of them this week, so you'll get to see what I picture them like alongside their descriptions.

EDIT: December 19/2023. I realised a couple more things I forgot to mention when I was chatting with my translaor van_Dort, for whose work I could not be more grateful! Simeon's name comes from the Bible, specifically the Simeon spoken about in the New Testament book of Luke, in Chapter 2, during the story of the birth of Jesus.

In Luke CH.2, Simeon was an old man living in Jerusalem at the time of Jesus's birth; he had been told by the Holy Spirit that he would not die until he saw the Messiah. When Jesus was brought as a baby to the Temple in Jerusalem to be blessed, Simeon got to hold him, thus fulfilling his life's purpose.

The parallels between this Simeon and mine aren't meant to be super direct, but in TTNBD, Simeon's purpose was to father Sybil, and in holding her when she's born, he sees that purpose fulfilled. Also, as Van_Dort said, having a demon with a biblical name is just pretty cheeky and fun :>

Alois and Claude are here too! Season two of the anime is so juicy, with so many good elements to it, I just couldn't resist bringing these characters out to play. I can't wait to get into Alois's absolutely busted head and his wicked toxic dynamic with Claude. I feel like their relationship is a great foil for Ciel and Sebastian's, especially in this fic with the tone I'm going to take. I'm excited for you to see my representation of some of the events of the anime's second season.

CHAPTER ONE: A FAR, FAR BETTER REST

Ten or more years ago, when I was very, very involved in this fandom, much more than I am now (I'm like, here lurking but I wouldn't call myself active) I came across a piece of fanart of an older Ciel and Sebastian, and Ciel had this long hair, and it was so beautiful, and it changed my brain chemistry forever. I've never forgotten it, but I've also never been able to find it again, much to my chagrin. Maybe I'll try to recreate it now that I have the will and the skill to do so.

NEVERMIND! I just took a break from writing this to go search for it one more time and I actually found it! This is a repost on DeviantArt, The notes on the post say it was taken from 4chan but I can't seem to find the original source which sucks but I found it! I've been thinking about this picture for years!

So yes, this specific picture is 99% of the reason why Ciel has long hair in TTNBD. If anyone by some miracle knows the original source, please do share. That and growing out one's hair is symbolic of starting over or time passing or whatever thing you learned in your high school language studies/literature class. Also I think it looks pretty. This is exactly how I imagine him, I've been trying to capture this hairstyle in my drawings, I need to tweak his bangs a little I think.

Also, kudos to those of you who noticed that Ciel's fake name- Gespenst- is German for phantom! I couldn't resist the fun little reference, both to the name Phantomhive and to the fact that Ciel, for all intents and purposes, is a dead man. Also it sounds cool! Bonus!

ANYHOW, onto other stuff. Namely, let's talk about the telepathy thing.

My guilty pleasure is those middling to badly written romance fantasy novels where a nineteen or twenty year old girl gets taken away into a fae realm and falls in love with some hot strapped fae prince or whatever and then finds out that he's her Mate *gasp* and they're *bonded*. If you're reading this and thinking about A Court of Thorns and Roses, then you're thinking of the exact series I was obsessed with when I was writing the end of TTEOE.

In ACOTAR, Feyre and Rhysand have a mating bond that includes a telepathic link. I already knew I wanted the ritual that turned Ciel into a demon to form a tangible bond of some kind between him and Sebastian, and I was reading those books at the time and it just struck me upside the head. Mating bond! Duh! It plays perfectly with the possessiveness that's already inherent in their relationship and the fact that they're supernatural beings with supernatural abilities- and I also happen think it's pretty ~hot~ oop.

To be fair, it's not just ACOTAR's fault: I've been big into Star Trek since I was a teenager and if you know what T'hy'la means and the absolutely legendary fandom mythology that surrounds it, you know where all of my obsession with mates and bonds and stuff really comes from.

I hope I've done a good job of laying out sort of how it works between Ciel and Sebastian, but just to be clear- I don't see it as being like, the ability to read/hear every single one of each other's thoughts. it's more like a link that they can use to sort of "speak" directly to each other, or if one of them is thinking about something very intensely, they can pick up on it.

To me, the vibe of these two has always been "power couple in a crowded room at a party, having a silent conversation with their eyes about how they're better and prettier than everyone else here" and I guess I wanted to make that a reality.

Also it's a great trick to be able to use during sex scenes.

Which brings me to my next point: as you will see, there are a lot more sex scenes in this fic than there were in TTEOE! And they're a lot more... how do I put this... graphic? That's Partially because Ciel and Sebastian's relationship is established, and they're demons, so they're just horny most of the time- and partially because it's been so many years since I wrote TTEOE! I'm just more comfortable with this stuff now and I know my way around it better from a writing perspective.

I wasn't even twenty years old yet in 2014 and now I'm staring down the barrel at thirty, so I've just grown up a lot and developed more as a person, as well as a writer. I feel like I've gotten better at writing in a lot of ways and one of those is definitely my ability to write porn. Not to brag or anything. I know it's a weird skill to be proud of, but in fandom it's a skill that's kind of worth its weight in gold.

Speaking of writing improvement, the honest-to-God biggest challenge for me this time around has been matching the cadence and tone of the writing in TTEOE. Having taken such a long break, and my writing voice having shifted like it has, I have to be deliberate about keeping it all coherent. I hope I'm doing an okay job.

Last but not least, Abberline's back! It's everyone's (my) favourite oblivious detective! I love outsider POVs and so I had a hoot and a half writing him in TTEOE, so of course he's back to investigate crimes and always be about one or two steps behind until the truth turns around and backhands him in the face! What will he do, where will he go, who will he see? Who knows! It's always an adventure!

Like Lizzy, Abberline has had his own response to what happened to Ciel. He's changed in his own ways and his place in life has changed as well. You'll be seeing more of him soon, along with everyone else.

Okay! I think that's all for now! Thanks for reading this... very long post! Feel free to ask questions, I'll be camping out near my inbox, and I'll see you again next week!

-lord_is_it_mine

[tm-trx]

currents.33[2024]

selections from my week in media [11-17 august 2024]

[celebrating]

My birthday was this week (one of the milestone ones 😬) and both Onew and Taemin are in the midst of album pre-release promotions right now, so it's been a fun week.

[listening]

[loving]

That pool scene in Sunset x Vibes.

Akira's coming out scene in Life: Love on the Line.

[reading]

Half a Soul by Olivia Atwater {5 stars} - A very sweet fae fantasy. Dora Ettings is one of my favorite book characters I've read this year.

Idol Lives by KT Salvo {3 stars} - A satisfying conclusion to the trilogy of books about these two. I say that because the author is continuing the series next year but changing protagonists to kpop idols competing in a survival show.

Light of Stars (and the Destroyer) by Sanguis - MDZS AU

My Summer of You, vol 2-3 by Nagisa Furuya {4 stars} - Finished up this manga series and loved it. Slowest of slow burns, but seeing Wataru and Chiharu get more comfortable with each other and their relationship over the summers was wonderfully nostalgic.

[thinking]

There is such an interesting contrast between the intimacy portrayed in two of the shows I'm watching as they air: Sunset x Vibes is suggestive and takes its time, leaving a lot to the imagination. 4 Minutes is filmed closely, sometimes bluntly and it feels like you see practically everything. I think in practicality, you don't, which is even more fascinating and just shows how important filming style is to the mood and feel of a scene.

[watching]

4 Minutes, ep 4 - I was happy to see more back story filled in for Tonkla and Korn's relationship, but it really highlighted how little we know about Tyme. He's the second lead and yet the show is very focused on Tonkla when it's not following Great. Yet another thing to pay attention to on my binge rewatch. The highlight of the episode was that last scene between Tyme and Great. The focus stayed with Great's adrenaline rush longer than expected and it was lovely how Tyme's tenderness in response led to their first sex scene. It was just very well done all around. (Even though I found myself wondering where Great found a glamping yurt at that time of night and on such short notice.)

Life: Love on the Line (Director's Cut) {finished: 5 stars} - Um wow. My heart is full and yet again I've got no way to describe how a jdrama has left me feeling. It lived up to every good thing I've heard about it over the years. And the framing device using their ages was genius.

Monster Next Door, ep 4 - I really liked how deftly the show treated Diew taking steps outside his comfort zone, with God's very sweet support and encouragement. Also, God is a very funny drunk. I do wonder what God's character development will be because if they've hinted at it I missed it completely.

Sunset x Vibes, ep 10 - The past life scenes I've been waiting for yay. Does Sun have a past life too? He's not having dreams so I'm inclined to think no, which is disappointing because I like the shared reincarnation trope. I am still all ::chinhands:: about the way Sun is with Lin. I love him.

previous Currents posts

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[ninacarstairss]

hello cece my beautiful wonderful beloved soulmate <3

i hope you have been well and looking after yourself! i don’t want you overworking yourself 😭 but it has been two days since i have come back from my trip (i have been exhausted plus i had work and uni to catch up on) so now i am going to sit down and tell you about my trip!! please grab a cup of tea and a snack while you read :)

so i went to sydney again, and i had a much more enjoyable experience this time around. i think it was because i knew what i was getting into, and i stayed in the exact same place, so it was all familiar to me.

although i did try to use the public transport this time, instead of ubering everywhere, and the buses were so bad, but the trains were INCREDIBLE! they were double decker and the back support moved so you could have a single row or two rows of seats face each other??? SO COOL

anyways, me and my friend caught the train to the airport at 4am in the morning 😭😭😭 (and i finished work at 12am!!!!) to get our flight. once we landed in sydney, my friend wanted to get merch from the early presale stand outside the arena and we were outside in 30 degree heat FOR TWO HOURS, with our luggage. good news, my birthday is coming up and my friend didn’t know what to get me, so he bought half my merch 🤭 bad news, i’m ginger and i get sunburnt in two minutes, so think about two hours… the worst thing is we had an umbrella for sun protection, but my right arm and the back of my neck was out so they were FRIED. i’m currently peeling like a reptile but worth it

we got some food from maccas because we were dehydrated and getting heat stroke, and then checked into our room after we managed to get our stuff. we both ended up napping in the afternoon, which we were both surprised about, because i had my phone in my hand still attached to the charger next to my bed and he still had his genshin impact loaded up onto his ipad 😭😭😭

unfortunately the place i wanted to take him to for dinner, the really good japanese place from last time, was under renovation, so we had dinner elsewhere but we had such a good time the rest of our trip

because we went to see stray kids, a kpop group, we had a lot of activities we could indulge in. they had this thing called a cupsleeve event, where someone in the fandom designs a cupsleeve to represent a kpop idol’s birthday, group anniversary or in our case, coming to the city. and i got so many freebies! we went to this kpop store that doubled as a cafe and the drinks were so good! i bought way too much but i have to remind myself that i can’t get it at home 😔

we also went to the biggest bookstore i have ever seen in my life! it took up a whole floor of the shopping centre and it was brilliant. it had books upon books, categories after categories. they even had an entire chinese and japanese section! i also spent a lot of money there BUT my best find was the entire completed infernal devices manga trilogy!! it’s so beautiful and such a rare find, i grabbed it immediately. i couldn’t find the tmi graphic novels though, but they have them on their website, so i might order them in :)

alright, the main event! the concerts! so i went and saw the kpop group, stray kids, two nights in a row! it was amazing. i was and still am a huge fan of their work, but especially because they got me through a really hard time in my life and really were my serotonin while i was at school 😔 i wasn’t allowed to see them when they first came here four years ago (parents: maybe next year, they’ll come! *next year being 2020.*) so i feel like i finally made up for it.

me and my friend also matches outfits! we did black and green (the concert colours) on the first night, and red and white on the second (to match the stray kids colours). i wish i could send you photos, we looked so slay 🤩

i do not have one concert video without me screaming the lyrics (yeah the korean ones too!) in the back. but i don’t care, it was so fun, i had a blast. and it was even better because two of the members of stray kids were from sydney and they just made it feel more homely :) do not regret how much money i spent on them or the sleep i lost at all! i’m so glad i can slowly start to give myself the experiences i missed out on as a kid/teenager :’)

anyways, enough about me! how have you been? what have you been up to? how is simba? 🥺 i adore you so much and i am enclosing this letter with a warm hug <3333

hello nero my amazing perfect beloved soulmate <3

yay i’m so happy to finally hear about this trip!!! i just made myself a cup of tea and brought out some biscoff cream!!

how was the catching up part?? did you manage to catch up without exhausting yourself too much??

nero that’s so great!! i think that having a familiar surrounding is always helpful, and staying in the same place makes it all less scary somehow. i’m really happy it went much better!!

NO WAY THEY HAVE THOSE TRAINS THERE??? they look so cool!!! i’ve seen them on instagram once and i was so jealous of every city who had those trains!! you can literally choose if you want to sit alone or have company and that’s so cool!!! it’s basically a buildable environment!!! i’m getting way too excited about this lol

so you only had like three hours of sleep?? 😭😭😭😭 and you even had to stand in the heat for hours 😭😭😭 but yay!!! merch!!! that’s a really great birthday gift!!! (also when is your birthday??? only if you want to share of course <3)

anyway merch is so amazing and so expensive. this has got to be one of the best presents ever!!! even if it means you’re skinning like a reptile now lol at least it’s just two small spots instead of your whole self 😂 but i get the struggle. i’m not ginger but my skin is so light i always get sunburnt in 0.5 seconds too. definitely not fun, but worth it for some merch :D

that was probably a really fun situation to wake up to, but you both deserved a nap for catching a bus at 4am!!! especially since you had only a few hours of sleep after work!! at least you were rested enough to really enjoy the trip!!

oh no 😭😭 i’m still dreaming about that place!! i went to a my favorite japanese restaurant in my city a few days ago and i really wanted to try that beverage you told me about but i was driving so i couldn’t 😭 i hope this other restaurant was really good too though!!

no way!!! nero this is all way too cool!!! i’m so happy it was so fun and there were so many things to do!!! also this cupsleeves event sounds so cool!! i’m so happy nero, you’re making my day just by telling me about all these freebies and amazing drinks!! and you know i’m always gonna be the little devil on your shoulder telling you that spending money is good and you deserve all that amazing stuff :))

the tid manga trilogy??? how is that even possible omg you can’t find that anywhere!!!! i’m so jealous, i wanna live in this bookstore now 🥺 it’s got to be so amazing!! (you always find the best bookstores, i had no doubt there would be one in this letter too and i was so excited to read about it!!) and let me know if you do order the tmi graphic novels!! i’ve been trying to collect those too hehe

the fact that *next year* was 2020 is so painful. but you saw them two nights in a row!!! that’s amazing!! and it must have been so good to see them after so long, after they’d been by your side in a really tough time 🥹 i’m so happy you got to finally see them live!!

also, the matching outfits?? I LOVE THAT!!! i bet you looked so slay!!! that’s literally the best idea for what to wear to a concert!!!

nero i’m so so happy for you!!! you’ve made my whole day, i’m not even joking!! i’m so happy you’re finally getting to enjoy trips and concerts you couldn’t before!! and this one really sounded so perfect!!! also the videos with you screaming at the top of your lungs to every song are literally the best. i love it when i rewatch a video from a concert and i can hear myself screaming and crying and dying more than i can hear the band or the singer. it just makes me live all those memories and those amazing feelings again!!!

the money spent on this is totally worth it!!! and you can sleep now, uni can wait lol really nero i’m so happy this trip was so good!!! i’m so happy for you!!!

i’m good!! i got three days off from work this week so that was great, and i started to reread chain of iron so that i can reread chain of thorns right after :) i miss them so much already 🥲

anyway i just booked a trip for may, because a friend is coming to visit me and i’m gonna be off work for two weeks so i’m really looking forward to it and now i just wanna skip work and plan the itinerary 😂 and i want to book more trips too. which isn’t great because my bank account is already crying and begging me to stop buying stuff. did i tell you i got the illumicrate edition of chain of thorns with the alternative dust jackets? yeah so my bank account still hasn’t forgiven me for it :,)

simba is also doing really good, he’s eating a lot and sleeping a lot as usual 😌

also, ever since you told me about the rina sawayama concert, and because you always talked so much about her, i kinda started listening to her music a lot more and i’m obsessed with some songs now!!! i adore her style so thank you for this new obsession :>

i’m enclosing a warm hug for you too and a little bouquet of flowers <3

[orcelito]

reread enough of trimax i think ive got the important things down. i only read through volume 1 of trimax, which is So much slower than i was expecting it to be (shoutout to when i first got my bootleg prints of the manga & hyperfocus skimmed the Entire manga in 7 hours), but it mustve been the level of attention i was paying to details

which was the point. the primary thing I wanted to get a feel for was wolfwood's presence & mannerisms, and also the way wolfwood and vash interact together in the early manga. im of course very familiar with their relationship, but existing in fandom spaces for so long can muddy what the actual canon relationship is in my mind. add in the fact that i havent actually read the manga in over a year (so the animes' characterizations were more present in my mind), & it's clear i was due for a reread. ITNL is a trimax fic first and foremost, after all, even if it does draw some elements from the animes.

so ! im going to start reviewing the existing written ITNL chapters. probably not reading everything entirely in depth, bc there's plenty that's not relevant to the current chapter, & my primary focus is preparing myself for writing the chapter. i dont have the time to reread the fic in full, however much i'd enjoy that, so. by the end of tomorrow, im going to review the fic enough to begin writing by thursday at the latest.

will that be enough time for me to actually finish the chapter by monday? considering it's my birthday weekend and i'll be pretty busy, who's to say? but im gonna try. and in the end, it's thankfully just 3 pretty simple scenes. a downtime chapter. Just Talking. so if i can get in the right brainstate for it, it's fully feasible for me to accomplish

that, of course, is the hardest part. writing brain is a fickle mistress, after all. but i will do my best. i really do want to have ITNL chapter 19 out by my birthday.

[think-pieces]

Sunjoy signing on

I got a new job, so activity level will be lower. However, nothing can stop me from yapping to y'all? the void? Before i get started, any of y'all try white rice and spicy tuna. The texture is so, hm, chefs kiss. I have no one else in my life that loves tuna. hence this little blurb before I get into it. Anyhow do let me know if any of y'all try it.

I love anime. It's always so well done. I of course of a wide variety of animes I've watched, and rewatched. Of course I could bore you all with a long list of every anime i've ever seen... but, actually why not. My top three are a controversial take. Mostly due to me never rewatching. with the exception of Vampire Knight. I've mentioned it before. It was quite possibly the most formative anime of my childhood. (yes i'm a Kaname Kuran girl. till the day I die.) I still watch it every time around my birthday.

My second two, and yes this is in order; are as follows. Haikyuu, which i never finished. And Say I Love You, which i bought manga for.

Haikyuu is just, there's something for everyone. Do I care about volleyball? No. But I enjoy more because of this anime. Yes i never finished it, but that's a side step. I also enjoy the fact that there's a timeskip and not all the characters end up in volleyball. Don't even get me started talking about my faves in this.

Say I Love You is such a teen romance anime. It's so good. I did watch toradora and silent voice (i know it's not explicitly romantic but it falls under the same giant veil). Say I Love You is a good stand alone. you can watch and read the series and they both make sense beginning to end. While I like any book to series adapation the series always leaves out parts. This is no exception. They're both pretty good dare i say.

I of course have a pleuthra of Honorable Mentions yet they never make the top three. My Hero Academia for instance; I loved this series. Watched a lot of it, the new season when it came out. then like most long series I fell off the bandwagon. Which is why I was able to finish other animes ie. Attack on Titan, Stars Align, the like.

Most animes I begin yet never pick back up. Usually only able to watch the first episode maybe two, and never another one. It's just what happens. I tried getting into popular animes, lesser known animes. yet I've only ever finished a rare few.

[lorz-ix]

Persona 3 Reload (2024)

Totally a "biggest persona 3 fan plays it for the first time" energy. I've seen the movies, I've read the manga, I've even played the old versions of the game, but I'm terrible with RPGs, so I never actually finished the original, despite really loving it. I had to constantly remind myself to slowly chip away at this remake, especially during the relatively boring parts, but in the end, I did it, and I'm kinda proud of myself. Still need to try the DLC though...

The original versions of P3 get a bunch of criticism ever since P4 and P5 kinda showed us the amount of quality of life stuff the previous game was missing. Plus, because Persona 3 FES and Persona 3 Portable both have different additional content, there's no "definitive" version of Persona 3 you can play, each of them is missing something. And tragically, while a lot of us hoped that would change, that remains the case.

Reload offers tons of quality of life improvements and extra content. If we count the Aigis DLC (it sucks that you have to fork over an extra 35 bucks for it), it's a good replacement for FES, but it's still missing all the content that Portable added. Most of the gameplay saw features added, it's especially noticeable during combat and exploration, where characters get all sorts of new abilities and special moves. Perhaps to the point that the party is a bit too powerful, I definitely felt like the game wasn't re-balanced around their new toolset, as nice as it is. I won't lie, doing massive stat-boost combos by mixing these special moves was a blast, but they also trivialized plenty of fights that should have been more challenging.

Every new story event that was added was a plus in my book. It would have probably been too difficult to keep everything from the original game and also give notable characters the social links they were missing, but the "totally not social links" they gave Junpei, Shinji and the rest of the gang were still nice, a good compromise I think.

In terms of visuals and sound, there are very few things to complain about. The game looks great, it's very much taking after P5 with its stylized menus and updated artstyle, though an argument could be made about the "vibe" of the original art and menus no longer being fully there. The re-recorded soundtrack isn't half bad, but it feels like the new vocalist isn't quite in her element in these old tracks. She does much better in the brand new ones, like the new battle theme and opening, which might be a bit too "poppy" for, again, the original "vibe" of P3, but I still quite liked them. Full Moon Full Life and its animation are no Burn My Dread, sure, but it's a nice track, and it most importantly succeeds at conveying the meaning of the game itself.

In conclusion, I'm glad I pushed through and actually finished one of my favorite RPGs out there. I'm sad this massive opportunity to deliver the perfect Persona 3 so far has been wasted, and I hate that the epilogue from the old ps2 re-release is a paid DLC worth 50% extra, and I especially despise how much of a scam the collector's edition was (it was a birthday gift, shush). But I'm relatively happy with what we got. After all, Persona 3 Portable has also been released for modern platforms, so we're well served in terms of accessibility, as flawed as the actual product is.

[m1ckeyb3rry]

All hail Mira I’m so psyched to read it and see the wc….trust I will be back here screaming my head off with commentary….fr getting spoiled with your inaccurate wcs (MAKING OTOYAS LOOK SHORT??? BRO)

NO BECAUSE THAT IM SAYING??? Kaneshiro were claiming copyright for our ideas please pay us in a Karasu awakening

LMFAOO that panel visual is literally just hollyhock Otoya??? I think your blog may just be magical like the entire BLLK editorial/pr/creation team just stalking you atp but THE KARASU PANELS >>>>>> ugh he looks so GOOD I forgot to mention I noticed how in the headers of your fics you’ll have a (very aesthetically pleasing) mini collage of the character and now you’ve got more karasu materials for that HAHA

And FR really hope that they’ll explore more duos and pairs in the future! I get that the popular matchups are usually there also for marketing purposes but it would fr be nice to see them interacting with others and maybe not just having like, 1 singular bestie LOL

Omg the Rin Sae parallel I see the vision….ugh someone bring Kunigami back I bet he’d have some really funny/interesting dynamics with other characters!! Another gentleman omg….theres just something in the Akita waters….

LMFAO Nagi just being there to hear the tea and listen to the gossip is so real like he’s not moving a MUSCLE to do anything he’s just enjoying the drama….the few words he says plus both y/n and karasu being oblivious idiots is truly THE most chaotic scenario HAHA karasu being in such disbelief that any one of the wingman could give an exact description of him and he’d be like “you mean she knows another dude who plays soccer from Osaka who’s tall has dark hair and is named after a bird???”

Omg talk about a strong pill LOL but YAY omg glad it was fun it sounds so cool!!! Minus the barfing part LOL (ok sorry but I have to ask was it MIDAIR?? I’m just imagining you pulling out a bag while cruising over the scenery LMAO) and ohhhhhhh side effects that makes sense….i wonder if maybe a different brand would have less side effects? But yeah giving your doc a call sounds like a good idea! Hopefully they have a solution for you!!!

MANIFESTING BABY SO HARD!! I agree like seeing the little interactions between other players and people too he actually seems like such a sweet/pure boy? Like if he actually knew how to show affection or what it was I feel like it’d definitely show in his relationships in a way….idk like the way he bonded with chigiri kinda quickly after the 3v3 in the second selection where they’re like testing what he’s able to trap LOL I’m trying to think of more examples off the top of my head but there were definitely moments that made me say “omg wait??” Seriously makes me wonder where people pull all those red flag headcanons from **their asses** but anyways…

I’m crying imagine it’s wavy but because his parents dgaf they just go with the bowl it regardless so you just see the little waves and then at some point they just abruptly cut off (it’s giving like…..a pre-boiled block of instant noodles LMAO)

This is also kinda unrelated/unprompted but everyday I’m thinking of when the next LN is gonna be announced….im lowk trying to see at what intervals they announced the previous ones (iirc the one with yuki was announced pretty fast which caught me off guard so im hoping the next one comes soon!!!)

-Karasu anon

I LIKE AM ACTUALLY CLOSE TO FINISHING I THINK!! FINALLY FINALLY FINALLY!!! but then i’m going to have to try and squeeze proofreading in around vacation activities so it’ll still be a sec until it’s properly posted…even then though i think the day is approaching 🤩 my hope is to have it done by karasu’s birthday at the very latest 😩

episode nagi manga panels always come through for my little headers!! i’ve started trying to experiment more beyond just having the basic three panel + lines setup…the header for karasu’s version of bfb is the same as otoya’s but with blue lines instead of green!! it’s fun to come up with different little graphics hehe i enjoy it as much as writing tbh

OUR CONVOS HAVE BEEN TAPPED BY THE CIA (bllk manga authors) they are onto us…HOW did they know to draw otoya as an actual ninja??? did they read hollyhock??? 😳😟🤨🫣 the manifestations go crazy around here fr

i agree that it’s def partially a marketing thing but also there’s just sooo many characters that it’s probably hard to play out all possible combos naturally!! i pray for the day that kunigami actually does smth meaningful again and also for the whole wildcard thing to get explained 😔 i feel like it was just an opportunity to create tension but it hasn’t been truly expanded upon so it just feels kinda random almost

HELP karasu is like “6ft tall…speaks with a kansai dialect…gets along well with people…has unusual hair…named after an animal…YO HIORI 🤔😨⁉️” (iirc hiori’s first name means sheep) i think nagi yuki and barou just give up at that point because bro is fr saying anything and missing the obvious answer sooo badly 😭

IT WAS MIDAIR 😭😭😭 we drove to italy today and i took a diff medicine and i got so dizzy it was like the world was straight up cartwheeling 😰 but it’s much flatter and smoother here so it should be good to go from here on out!! and yes i hope the doctors have a solution for it because i’m sure i’m not the first person who’s had a similar problem ☝🏻

i think for me it’s the way he was able to connect w zantetsu so quickly…like he genuinely just listened to him and didn’t judge unlike reo and literally everyone else, which is how team v trio was even able to function in the first place 🥹 plus him w isagi and chigiri in second selection as well as his implied dynamic with karasu during the day off is just so CUTE to me like he’s honestly pretty good with people he’s just also really confused about it at times 😭 idk maybe i’m biased because i like him sm but to me he’ll always just be awkward and standoffish because he doesn’t know any better/different not because he doesn’t care 😪

pov baby nagi had the niko haircut 😭😭💔💔 nooo i’m manifesting a cute little way curly bird’s nest thing going on with like super round cheeks and big eyes 😩🙏🏻 baby nagi w instant ramen hair will haunt my dreams though 😓 sleep paralysis demon fr

I NEED IT TO BE SOON AND I NEED KARASU AND OTOYA TO BE IN IT!! i’ll be sad because i do think a karasu ln will make some of my stories for him not as close to canon as they are rn?? especially bfb…but a) how many people read the ln’s, b) they’re already aus, and c) that just means i can write him even better in the future!! plus given our track record at manifesting things i think i should be pretty safe 🤞🏻

[lucky555]

July Reading Wrap-Up

I recently got a kindle paper white as an early birthday gift from my parents and it has brought back the reader in me. I read a total of 7 books this month and I am thrilled to talk about them.

________

People We Meet on Vacation - Emily Henry (3 stars)

This is the first ever rom-com book I have ever read. At the beginning of July I had an urge to try out a light-hearted rom-com as my usual choice of book always falls in the literary fiction, horror, psychological thriller, mystery, genres. I was pleasantly surprised by this book as I went into it blindly and loved the chemistry between the main characters. It was a fun and easy read and made me want to give Emily's other books a shot as well.

Uzumaki: Spiral into Horror, Vol. 1 - Junji Ito (4 stars)

I love anything Junji Ito creates and this was definitely one of them. I am definitely going to read the other 2 volumes as I really really enjoyed this one. Also recently found out that an anime has been released for this manga and I will also definitely be checking that out.

Mr Salary - Sally Rooney (4 stars)

I LOVED THIS SO MUCH I NEED IT AS A FULL NOVEL NOW. It was a short story and I wish there was more. That's all I have to say.

Y/N - Esther Yi (3 stars)

I really liked the premise of this book and I think it had tremendous potential to be something INCREDIBLE. However, it did fall flat for me as I expected much more of the psychological horror and thriller aspects. It is a very original concept and I did enjoy the read.

Never Lie - Frieda McFadden (5 stars)

This was my first Frieda book and WOW. I genuinely finished this in one sitting, it kept me interested the ENTIRE TIME. There was not a single boring aspect of this book and it is what I needed after reading some slow-placed books.

The Metamorphosis - Franz Kafka (4 stars)

As someone who loves philosophy, this book was incredible and that is what I expected going into it.

Beach Read - Emily Henry (1 star)

I absolutely hated this book. I was extremely excited going into it given that I thoroughly enjoyed 'people we meet on vacation', however, this trope, the characters, and the plot was all SO boring and not summery at all. Given that it is quite LITERALLY called beach read I expected it to be very light hearted and fun, which it was not. I am still going to give her other books a chance and I hope that they live up to their expectations.

[lettersfromandie]

2020 Highlights

I guess it'd be an understatement to say that 2020 was a really awful year, given the devastating effects of the global pandemic and the innumerable disasters and issues happening in our country. I think we got jinxed with our "2020, please be good to me" posts 🙍

We all started that year still not knowing about the presence of COVID-19, and from then on, it all went pretty downhill after that. From everything that has happened in my life and others', I can frankly say that 2020 was actually the worst 😠 However, while reflecting on it, I can also count some bright days. I guess it wouldn't hurt to kind of celebrate the good ones during that horrible year, eh?

I fully acknowledge that so many lives were (and still are) at stake and just trying to get through that year wasn't easy for us -- even much more for others. I also know that terrible things can still happen regardless if there's a pandemic or not. But I too still acknowledge that despite the horrible year, there were actually bits in my life, however small or big they seem, that remind me to keep moving forward and get through the day no matter how mentally and emotionally challenging 2020 had been.

So I just want to share some of the good highlights I had that kept me sane during that dreadful year, without seeming tone-deaf or tactless:

HK & Macau Trip

Litrato mula sa sandaling bago mag sakuna??  Wow pre-COVID days na we were still not stuck in our homes? and still be able to travel?? Gosh I miss those days  😞 

Anyway, this was my first time in Macau and second time in Hong Kong! We went back a year after our first HK trip because our fam loves it there. What I most especially like in HK is its easy-peasy convenient public transportation system -- which, I reckon, is a huge factor why we wanted to visit again since it's less hassle to go to many different places. Macau though, has one of the most beautiful and extravagant-looking architecture and interiors (we only visited a whole day because too laysho for my layf LOL). 

With High Honors

I don't have a photo to share for this highlight (well I actually have a few but for privacy reasons I wish not to nalang) but I'm really so happy to know that my hard-earned efforts led to the expected performance and reward! I remember back in JHS I made a deal to myself that if I ever belong in the Top 10, I'll treat myself with a large Sbarro lasagna! HAHAHAH grabe noh kana ra jud haha it's been long since I last ate one (gi dibdib jud ang deal ba) and I actually haven't treated myself one after the recognition program. When everything starts to settle down I hope to get myself one!! hihi (I can only imagine how the food tastes better after not eating it for years!)

Happy Birthday to me!

I turned 19 on May 19th! Ew, I am growing old. Just the thought of me turning 20 this year makes me puke 😖 chz. But this is obviously worth celebrating because I am blessed with the gift of life and the time to celebrate it with my family <3 

Passed UPCAT

MOM, I PASSED UPCAT! AAAAHHHHH Well this is unexpected as someone who just skrrrt-ed my way through the Math part and didn't even finish half of it! Luck doesn't always favor me but I'm happy that I got lucky in this 😊 I feel like I don't deserve it but still, thank you so much, Lord!

The Weeb Life

If there's one thing to describe what I did the whole time while I was just at home, I would say... BINGING ANIME! My fave anime characters are my fave fictional companions during quarantine huhu I'm so glad I started watching anime (and reading manga) this year. Honestly at first it wasn't really my cup of tea after watching some anime recommendations but then I tried watching one episode of Attack on Titan and after that MY LIFE STARTED TO CHANGE (HAHAHA OA kaayo noh).

There were actually days and moments I did not include in my highlights that gave me a sense of strength and purpose while coping everything that had happened that year. But I wish to just keep it to myself for these are my little personal winning moments hihi. 

Albeit this "wasted" year of mostly spending my days within four-cornered walls, 2020 was actually a year of learning and growth for me. I just hope this year everything will eventually get better for all of us and we'll no longer have to get by with those community quarantine classifications 🙏

Love, Andie