#i also dont have that many from this year anyways bc... i like wasnt here for most of the year tbh 💀 really feels like it flew by

[al-luviec]

juvie buddies

[sundial-bee-scribbles]

end of year shitty meme comp pt 2

[orcelito]

Sometimes I get the urge to be like "Well, they can't live forever" when it comes to shitty situations with shitty people. But then I remember that A: shitty person dying might not be the result that someone wants, and B: it actually can take quite a while for people to die, in many cases

Idk I'm just so used to death being right around the corner that I'm like "Well maybe he'll die soon and that'll fix it" but he probably won't die that soon and it also might not fix it. Or be wanted.

Idk it's such a specific mentality that I have now. People can die with such short notice that you Never Know! The solution to all your problems may be short at hand. You never know.

[sunbedo]

Hey guys. gay rights

[leonardalphachurch]

so i was inspired by @rvbrarepairweekdos to see what the least common ships on ao3 are but i couldnt really find a good way to sort that so. i made a spreadsheet.

nothings really all that surprising, but theres some interesting stuff here! such as:

there are 194 ships with only 1 tag. the most surprising to me was lopez/simmons. youd think there'd more than just one, with the actually having a pretty interesting canon dynamic and all. the one that hurt the most is temple/tucker........ i mean i know im also not writing it but T-T

the highest ship that made me go "huh?" was delta/maine at 66th. i guess guns for hire was very popular, wasnt it.

wash is absolutely the fandom bicycyle; he has the most tags, the most ships, and the most unique pairings.

grimmons is 1st in terms of number of tags, which puts simmons and grif and 3rd and 4th, respectfully, but in terms of ships theyre all the way down at tying for 14th. grimmons makes up 94% of grif and simmons' tags. the next highest ship for grif and simmons after grimmons is simmons/wash at 49th and grif/tucker at 54th. people really dont ship those two with anyone else, huh!

tuckington makes up ~47% of wash's tags and ~73% of tucker's tags. he also only has ~64% of the amount of ships wash does. free my boy tucker he deserves to slut it up.....

andersmith has the largest discrepancy re: number of tags to number of ships, going from 49th to 32nd (+17). other notable differences are simmons going from 3rd to 14th (-11), allison going from 27th to 39th (-12), south going from 16th to 7th (+9), and caboose going from 14th to 6th (+8).

there are 210 M/M ships, 116 M/F, and 43 F/F. M/M has 8253 tags, M/F has 2481, and F/F has 659. the most popular f/f ship is south/ct, coming in at 13th, with kimball/carolina close behind at 14th. the next f/f doesnt come until 45th with carolina/grey. not a very sapphic heavy fandom are we...

this was gathered using this page on ao3 on 8/9/2024. the data i have is based on how many TAGS a ship has, not how many FICS it has. some people tag their fics with the same ship in multiple ways. i dont really have anyway to sort that out with the method i used. is there a better way to get data about ships? maybe! but this was made MOSTLY just because i had so much fun playing with the data and spreadsheets and organizing. im probably gonna keep playing around with the sheet bc i have fun with data but im not sure if im going to add more ships in. maybe like a year from now. i dont really have a good way to clean the data except semi manually so.

[noihavenosanitythanksforasking]

tldr: the story of how i figured out im gay and why i relate to byler so much. aka why its good rep

this was not supposed to be this long

my best friend doesnt like stranger things bc she thinks the metaphorical texture of the show is gross feeling(valid) but she follows me on here and has had to block the byler tag bc its all i post about these days and shes not into it.

anyways it made me think about why i love byler so much and it definitely has to do with the fact that as a queer person i relate super heavily to their story. being gay is way more acceptable now and i was born in 07 so its not like its was considered a death sentence to be gay in general. however i grew up in the classical church. my mom was part of a religious cult in highschool and i was my parents first kid and they were super protective of me. Im also autistic and i spent most of my childhood very worried about doing and acting the right way to make people accept me. my parents favorite story to tell people about my childhood is that when i finally graduated my crib and got a toddler bed they were worried that i would never let them sleep again. that didnt happen tho, in fact i refused to get out of bed with out express permission and would lay there until they came told me i could get up.

id like to say that i was homophobic growing up but not in the traditional sense. it was more that i was actually afraid of gay people. No one around me ever really said anything blatantly homophobic or had radical ideas about the subject but we were so deep into the church and i was always afraid of everything. when i was in elementary school we would do drills. call and response cult like stuff. theyd ask us to define sin and wed spout off this memorized line about going agaisnt gods will in action or thought or intention. i didnt even know what a gay meant until i got to middle school and the entire idea terrified me. because thats not allowed and when someone brings it up all the adults get that one look on their face and the pastor says that homosexuality is a sin or wtv.

i had this one friend, lets call her jane, at the time. i really liked her but she was kind of a delinquent, she didnt have the best home life and she was kind if an angry kid so when she came out to our friend group as bisexual in i think 7th grade, we (the rest of the group was v religious ) were concerned about it but not really surprised. we werent supportive but we werent angry either. it was more like we werent sure what to do. she had always been a problem child so it didnt seem to out of the blue for someone like her to like girls so we just kind of tried not to talk about it again.

I was a pretty big drama kid at the time( still am) (i swear i have a point to this) and i became friends with this one girl. lets call her belle. anyways i reallllyyyy liked belle i dont think i had a crush on her but i thought she was really cool and fun and liked hanging around her. we werent really close much to my past and present dismay but when i did hang out with her i always had a fun time. a few years later she told me that she was bisexual. this pretty much broke my little brain. because belle was cool and fun and normal and it was the first time when i realized that maybe there was something wrong with the way my church worked. they had to be wrong because there was no way belle was evil and going to hell. i loved being friends with her and i couldn't accept the fact that her liking girls changed anything. she still felt like the same person. still the topic was terrifying to me, i was so afraid that i was wrong or maybe just not smart enough to see the truth. so many people around me that i grew up being told knew what was right, knew what god was telling us said that it was wrong so maybe i just didnt get it. maybe i wasnt close enough to god to understand what made gay people so bad. still something changed from then and the next year i ended up being close to this girl, lets call her beth, (all my other friends had either moved on or were on different sides of our grade and tbh i was terrified of her but i had no one else). Anyways beth also had a crazy homelife she talked a lot about how she hated her family and how she would kill her dad if she could. she also ate highlighters, just drew on her tongue, and sold pictures of her feet on instagram to make money. needless to say as soon as i hit highschool i never spoke to her again, she freaked me out. anyway one day me and beth were walking at recess and she turns to me and tells me that im gay. i knew she was pan at this point and i didnt really care though looking back on it she was definitely flirting with me. I got freaked out and told her there was no way i was gay and assumed that she just wanted me to like her back but id had a crush on a guy before so i couldnt be gay.

speaking of this guy, he sat next to belle in my science class in 6th grade. i sat behind them and they were good friends. we were sort of a trio in that class and i thought he was really nice and funny. he was the first guy id ever been friends with and i assumed that the fact that i enjoyed hanging out with him and having fun meant that i must have a crush on him. because girls and boys cant just be friends. thats what everyone always said at least. one day we were texting and he told me that he liked me and wanted to go out. i csnt describe the feeling i got then. it was this werid mix of anxiety and fear and knowing that i should be excited but instead i was disappointed. and i didnt know why. i told him i wasnt allowed to date til 16 and if he still wanted me then whe could date then. i cried about it for almost a year. which doesnt make any sense because i rejected him not the other way around. but i felt heartbroken. im still not really sure why.

when beth told me i was gay i p much told her to f off in the most good christian way possible but i still thought about it. the idea felt so overwhelming and i couldnt think about it without wanting to have a panic attack so i stopped thinking about it. then i had a gay dream about jane and honestly i should have figured it out then but somehow i completely disregarded.

i changed schools for high school so i was with a lot of new people. i wanted a fresh start. at the time i felt like id been pretending to be someone else for my whole life and i hoped that starting over would help me find myself or something. I always sort of knew i was different from other kids i never felt like we had much in common or something but i could never put a finger of what it was (it was the autism). when i started highschool my main goal was to make friends on my own and conquer my social anxiety when had been crippling throughout middle and elementary. i ended up meeting this girl, lets call her cassie, (so many people ikik) and we became super close. she had a lot of issues as well bc apparently i attract unstable people. she was by far the worst id dealt with though. she was suicidal, ocd, anorexic and hurt her self a lot. it was a very codependent friendship but we were attached at the hip. she was my whole world at the time, nothing else really mattered more than her not killing herself. one day we were texting after midnight and she told me that she thought she might be bisexual and i told her a didnt care. i really didnt care i was more worried about her killing herself. she said she had a crush on someone but wouldnt tell me who and i let the topic die.

then heartstopper came out on netflix and i got DEAD sick. i couldnt even speak. it was very bad. anyways i had a computer at this point and was looking for something to watch. i settled on heartstopper because id heard so many good things about it and i was morbidly( at the time) curious. i watched the entire show in one sitting. i was scared my mom would find out and when she did find out she gave me this hesitant look and said she didnt love the idea of me watching that kind of stuff. i watched it anyways. i was mesmerized dude. the scene of nick nelson in his bedroom, on the verge of tears searching the internet for anwsers was so powerful to me and it was like something clicked in my brain.

what if i am gay??

id never let myself actually ask mysrlf that before. id never dared to even think it was a possibility because of course im straight. id know if i liked girls. but i sat there dead sick and dying slowly and looked over at my book case at all my favorite books. i looked up on youtube how to tell if your bisexual (bc ofc i like guys duh) and it said something about thinking about how you feel about fictional characters and i sat and i thought. it was a very overwhelming week. i thought back to middle school and the strange possessiveness i had over my best friend at the time, the feeling of hurt i always seemed to have when she hung out with someone else. i hated that part of myself. i felt validated in my feelings at the time but i never knew why i felt that way and it felt unfair to her.

at the time i was talking to a guy. he was nice and pretty chill but i sort of knew i didnt like him the way he liked me. i wanted to though. i wanted to like him so freaking badly. so i kept taking to him. id be on the phone with him for 5 hours just talking about nothing and tell myself that this was what its like to like someone. it wasnt a bad experience, he was nice and i liked to talk to him. but i didnt have feelings for him. one night i texted cassie back and told her that maybe i was bi too. she was from a christian household too and we talked for a while one what we should do.

my parents have always had this policy of being honest with each other when sometbing happens in our lives. which i think is pretty normal but my autistic ahh took it very seriously. almost as soon as i started questioning i told them. bad idea, was not ready. i was so scared that somehow theyd look at me and figure out that i was thinking about it, and that theyd be mad that i didnt talk to them about it. i said it at dinner and there was legit forks dropped. my mom took me on a 2 hour long walk to try and explain myself which was HELL because i couldnt even understand what was going on.

"why do you think you like girls??"

"idk"

they eventually dropped the subject.

soon after that me and cassies relationship started to get werid. after being so codependent for so long we had thsi strange sort of toxic need for each other to be sane or something. she confessed that she had a crush on me and i really wasnt sure how to feel about it. she was so important to me and the trauma and confusion and drama of our friendship got all jumbled in my head and we fell into some sort of homo romantic something. we never did anything besides holding hands a few times, but we did that before either of us came out anyways. we went to summer camp summer after freshmen year and shit really hit the fan and we ended up having a friendship breakup. she told me afterwards that she was a devoted christian now, that god had saved her from herself and that now she was straight. i was really lost the rest of that summer. i wasnt sure what to do at all, who i was or what i was supposed to do now that i left the person i had dedicated the past year of my life and my mental health too. i was really suicidal for a few months after that but slowly i got better.

second semester of sophomore year i had my first real crush on one of my close friends at the time. she was straight which sucked but those 6 months of my life were some of the most terrible exhilarating experiences of my life. thats how i knew i wasnt wrong. bc theres no heterosexual option for wanting to make out with a girl in a dirty school bathroom stall.

it was hard though, being in love with someone you know will never feel that way about you. even if at the time i had mostly gotten over the majority of my internalized homophobia theres still that feeling of guilt. you feel so gross and creepy and unwanted. this person doesnt want you, they dont even want your gender but you cant let it go. its a very lonely feeling.

it was around the same time that i figured out that i was a lesbian. after i felt what it was like to like someone, really like someone. to be able to identify that feeling as romantic feelings, it was pretty obvious that i didnt like guys. i felt really bad about the guy i was talking too. he had no idea and id just heen leading him on for almost a year. i felt super shitty about it.

idk if that was coherent but i guess thats why i love byler so much. it feels so raw and real to me. i watch the van scene and i see myself. i see how hard it was and how much i hated myself and wanted so badly to be normal and to be able to talk about boys with my friends without feeling uncomfortable. i see the way mike is with el and i see myself with that boy from middle school. so desperate for affection and so so confused. this feeling of guilt and regret, the heartbreak of loosing someone that you couldve had but you dont want. i want to want it but i dont and its so heartbreaking.

i almost think its a worse feeling that being broken up with. i fell in love with a girl recently and she ended up ending things. i was super upset about it cried for a long time. but still. its not the same hurt. it hurts but its not the same deep primal hurt. sitting on my bathroom floor at 13 years old sobbing my eyes out because im not with a boy that i rejected. wishing that things were different but not wanting to actually change. i broke my own heart and i didnt even mean too

[hairscare]

ok seeing as my blog is called hairscare i feel i should show you how my hair turned out. so i was forced to have blunt bangs in my childhood and i hated them so much bc even at like 8 years old i knew i wanted to be goth. when i was around maybe 12 i finally was allowed to cut my hair and grow out my bangs and from there started the transgender nightmare of haircuts i went through. so many bad haircuts... anyways now that ive learned to embrace my femininity in my own special goth agender way ive finally taken it upon myself to have a decent hairstyle. ive been growing out my hair for idk maybe like 2 years now? maybe less? idk the last time i cut it honestly but i finally decided to cut my bangs bc even though they were pretty they also tended to kind of fall limply onto the side of my head if my hair wasnt washed which i didnt like the look of. so bangs time yayyy

heres how long my bangs were before i cut them... its sad to lose all of that hair but refreshing too

then heres me with my freshly cut bangs, my hair was pretty straight since it wasnt washed and i looked very yolo epic swag

with time and gravity they fell into an april ludgate look which i thought was fun. then i took a shower this morning. after i shower i keep my hair up wet in a towel for at least an hour and wait as long as possible to brush it because it makes it look better. but when i took my hair out of the towel...

um so yeah it was a lot. i didnt really expect my bangs to fluff up like the rest of my hair but it totally did. i went and brushed it though and after a while of trying to figure out how the hair worked...

i finally got it to look good! now i dont have to hear that i look like onision anymore. i do definitely still look like mick jagger but whatever i stay slaying

[cttrajan1206]

hi!! im here to ask about your ocs!!

first of all i would like to say PLEASE read the shadows house manga if you werent planning on it already...! youll get so much more that wasnt offered in the anime since it cuts off at season 2 , its just so good.. SO GOOD ok. ok

about astral and anjem!

i know you said you dont have all the details worked out so its ok if you dont have an answer to any of this atm!

could you talk a bit more about their dynamic/relationship, if you have anything else you wanna say?

what are their goals in the house? are they pursuing roles within relief team, starbearers, etc? are they wanting to get invited?

how good is astral at controlling his soot power? do you think its likely any of his experimenting on anjem could go wrong + how would he react, would he be able to fix it?

love ur ocs :}

WAAA HELLO?? i never original post ever so i was really surprised and excited when you reblogged it saying you'd read it later - AND NOW IN MY INBOX TOO? WAAAA.... >O<

But waa ok ok so! Funny enough, @tsukiomoon was over at my house and convinced me to read Shadow House (having watched the anime) while we were at a bookstore. I'd already glanced at it a few times over the years so I was. Very easy to convince tbh djdhfjf So I actually began with reading the first two volumes!! Then after that, I was thoroughly hooked so we proceeded to binge the entirety of it together in two days. That said, I'd love to read the manga. I'm debating on it because the official translation -> scanlation currency exchange is not in my favour ToT but I think I like it enough to bear through it, the anime missed a few scenes from even just the first two volumes after all.

Onto the ocs!!

Dynamic/relationship: This is a fun one. I've mentioned they both very much love each other already, I think at first they're both very superficial about it and build up versions of each other in their head (Astral even moreso having known longer). It gets deeper as time goes on but Astral isn't obssessed with Anjem just as a person, but also for his quality of being human. Anjem is similar likewise but there's a mighty power imbalance there.

Astral is actually also a special shade! He remembers before morphing. He's probably the worst one to do so though because he doesn't really care about the Shadow House - not when it gives him license to not only have Anjem to himself, but also such close access to humans. To him, the memories just give him a clearer understanding if the Faces' limits. He gets very annoyed with seeing others treat their living dolls badly and will pick fights about it or ask Anjem to give them recompensary gifts to them.

Anjem I'm less clear on... He's bad at cleaning but Astral doesn't mind particularly (and also doesnt produce enough soot for it to be a problem). The rigid structure of his life gives him comfort in its reliability but he does often long for some of the luxuries Shades get. Like nice clothes and better food. He doesn't like coffee though haha. I don't think either of them ever realise the brainwashing thing bc Anjem's too picky and never fully swallows the coffee anyway, sometimes vomiting it out. He still gets the effects partially though

Goals: I think Astral does want to escape the House eventually - he doesn't care too much for getting everyone else out, he just wants to find more and more humans and learn everything he can about them. Anjem I haven't decided too much yet. He knows Astral's goal and wants to be there with him to see it too, to travel the world, but I think he'd be scared of taking that step.

I think he wants to see his siblings again, one last time

Roles: Oop... Astral's power is very good for healing wounds so technically the relief team would be good for him but I personally wouldn't put him in a room with so many humans in it XD He keeps his power very downlow but regardless, I think he'd have made his way into the relief team. He's their bigger advocate on training to treat dolls better.

Anjem wanted to be in the research team instead but, as a Face, he has to tag along and look pretty

Power: At first Astral was pretty bad at controlling his power. He doesn't have blood himself after all, it was very unknown territory. In fact, the only way he Did grow better at it was When his experiments on Anjem failed. They could be very dangerous failures too, in case his soot clogged a vein or he clotted uo the wrong part or forced it to produce too much blood. In his panic to fix it, he tended to reflexively reverse whatever he'd done and so far, though there have been catastrophes, Anjem hasn't died. There was a time when Astral stopped his heart but that's whatever, he's immensely better at controlling them now. He doesn't frequent the training room (especially since his powers require blood), but instead has perfected his powers through practice in his room. He does also keep a few vials of blood he requests from the relief team that uses to practice with at times.

He prefers it best when it's with Anjem though :)

There was once, when the brainwashing had worn off more, where Astral fucked up. In attempting to heal a wound on Anjem's wrist, he accidentally sped up the production of the blood and it poured everywhere, spilling out faster than healthy. Anjem, wide eyed and afraid that this time, he was going to die, scrambled away from him screaming. He tried to run away but the pain was blinding him so much he could barely concentrate. Nothing Astral said could convinve him to calm down, and the last thing he saw before passing out was Astral roughly grabbing at his arm.

Astral was able to stop the blood, working with this as an experiment to control his area of effect, and sealed the wound. He bandaged it up and treated it with care, pressing a careful kiss of regret on the bandage and on Anjem's hand, the black mark staining his skin.

Anjem woke later in his box. He was afraid and angry and upset. He didn't talk to Astral for a full week, only interacting with him as a Face. Astral was heartbroken by this and apologised many times. They made up finally, after Astral stopped him from cleaning and held his hands, about to apologise again, when suddenly Anjem lifted the shade's hands and pressed a kiss to each.

"I'm tired of this. I miss speaking with you. I forgive you, so stop apologising every time I enter a room."

That mended things but going forward, Astral started getting external vials until he was better at his control.

Tidbits!

Astral likes his name but also wants to be separate from it. In private, he asks Anjem to call him "Aster" as a similar compromise. Anjem means "star" in arabic - he named his Face to match the name he preferred :)

Anjem is mostly good at reading Astral's emotions but they have a system of handsignals and body language to indicate the faces they want to make.

I've been thinking on them and their age awhile. I hadn't noticed when I made them that adults get finer clothes than the chikdren but I refuse ti change my design, I'm attached </3 I think they're similar to Barbara and Maryrose - old but still in the children's wing by virtue of not being given an invitation

This is partly due to Anjem's scar but mostly due to Astral's refusal to be useful outside of the bare minimum (this is not a noble thing, he's lowkey just lazy)

Oh my god I wrote a lot sdjbhf

Yeah!! That's them! That's my boys. I'm thinking of making a couple more too - I want to explore the idea of someone using their Face to hide disguise their real emotions

Thank you so much for asking 😭 it means the world to me and got me to think about them more

As an extra, have a doodle of Anjem's second sight of Astral:

[wheresurboytonighthelookslikeenj]

Asking this because I’m genuinely curious uhhh what are your thoughts on Bobby being a catholic in s16e06 and s16e16

s16e06 came out the monday (three (3) days) after i posted manic pixie dream girl bobby brackenreid to ao3 .

and im still not fully convinced it wasnt a prank for me specifically. like what the hell. i post my fic and bobby suddenly appears for the first time since last season ???? and now (s)he’s CATHOLIC ???? did i manifest that but wrong ??? (one time through fic i manifested something right which was funny) pretty baffling

anyways im deeply fascinated by this direction bc like storywise its of course pretty far from what i envisioned in mpdgbb but thematically theres unexpectedly a lot of overlap i think. bobby becoming catholic shows him developing past and beyond what was initially expected of him—trouble, violence—and importantly it separates him from his father, who. well represents some of those worse parts (brackenreid took pride in bobby being the « rough and tumble » son, the one taking after him) n like honestly the queer route honestly does the same thing. leaving that behind for something less conventional, unexpected but softer. just like his brother, who traded being a cop for acting. so at the end of the day i wasnt even too mad. that's still my bobby

to illustrate originally i came up with this image

but it occurred to me that the path to both is kind of also the same ? catholicism/the whole mpdgbb route both are from needing a place to belong after spending so long away from his family, not having really an idea where he's going. n so:

of course it's more complex than that. many more details include how i think some of the aggression was from pent up trans discomfort and rage, and the hypothetical possibility of realizing transness WHILE catholic which would sure be. a time.

here's justan illustration of the different timelines/possibilities

yellow : « canon » pink : mpdgbb canon blue : canon in my heart

as you can see catholic bobby is not canon in the mpdgbb-verse because i wrote that first fic and constructed the whole premise before it aired. i dont know if i could ever explore a catholic bobby brackenreid in detail in writing and especially fic, im the brand of raised-catholicnonbeliever that never cared in the first place so while i can like these stories i could definitely never write them myself with the grace they deserve

so like i dont really have insight on what being catholic realistically means for him and i cant possibly predict what theyre going to do next with him, except well . the trenches (ww1 in two years babeyyyyyyyy). fun to talk abt though !

[spookfished]

media roundup february

hi everybody :3 i didnt really read a lot in february i was busy 'doing school' and 'looking for employment.' sad! i have spring break coming up so im planning on using that time to read a bunch (and also apply for more jobs -_-) this post and previous can be found on my neocities!

books:

revenant gun by yoon ha lee: the last book in the hexarchate series, starting with ninefox gambit. (slightly edited from my discord review, SPOILERS INCOMING). in machineries of empire, there a disconnect between what the audience craves and what the book is willing to give them-- for example, things like Whats up with the calendar + the hexarchate, why did jedao do all that, etc. this works in the books favor (imo) by increasing tension, creating a sense of discovery, and avoiding clunky exposition.

however in the two sequels it expands not just to what the audience wants but also what they like. care about? some big examples are the weight of the remembrances* and less cheris, but also stuff like jedaos focus. which isnt bad like i like jedao. but like, if you Dont you sure do get a lot of him. also did anyone actually like brezan sorry. hes fine like for example with the end of a memory called empire, when the protag (forgot her name sorry) loses her brain buddy, it feels like a second coming of age almost--her brain buddys been a crutch but now she gets to stand on her own (albeit as a changed person, with brain buddys influence). vs cheris who kinda starts to feel like a cameo character who literally fucks off for nine years??? there is also a sort of ongoing sense of "these sacrifices for the greater good are ok (if sad) and these are not" whihc ngl sometimes feels pretty arbitrary to me. and given that machineries of empire focuses on like the Littlest most downtrodden people it really is wild yhat we dont see a lot of civilian life? anyways i enjoyed it and i think its worth finishing out the trilogy but it wasnt as satisfying as i could have hoped (ALSO NINEFOX GAMBIT IS A REALLY FUN SOLID READ. I LIKED IT A LOT)

*the rememberances are a set of ritualized tortures that create a power structure that literally powers a lot of the empire's technology. this is a very cool concept! a big part of jedao and cheris' rebellion is about making a place that Doesnt have to run on torture. except that like, besides the intellectual knowledge that Torture Is Bad as a reader i didnt really feel that invested in this? like we only get to See a remembrance happening midway thru book 3. im not like advocating for torture porn or anything but it seems weird to have that be the focal thing when neither cheris nor jedao had any scenes where they were affected by it (and so the audience didnt have anything like that either). idk it kinda just stood out to me. like yes i care about these characters but why should i care about This specifically

hexarchate stories by yoon ha lee: an anthology set in the world of machineries of empire, expanding the world and fleshing out some stories. this was pretty solid! theres a wide range of stories and lengths, and i liked the variety :3 its like a little charcuterie board. (yoon ha lee's bias for shuos jedao really stands out here though..) its kinda essential reading to me imo though bc otherwise the ending of revenant gun isnt that satisfying :| lol anyways once again if youve read ninefox gambit check it out! spoilers for the whole series tho

exordia by seth dickinson: hard scifi about agency, impossible choices, and how they shape you. also, international geopolitics! like ninefox gambit, exordia demands your attention and concentration. you kinda have to read it at a time when you have brainpower to spare. however, exordia rewards everything that you put into it :3 i ended up learning so many random facts during this book… like AGL meaning above ground level. i feel like i need to read a book about democratic confederalism now also. a couple of my other friends read this book and got lost in the large cast and intricate web of events--i didnt have as much of an issue but u might need a piece of paper or sth. exordia is a book that's dense enough to feel like three books, and that can be good or bad. seth dickinson has this really spare, concise prose that leaves a lot to your imagination but also like. can sum up a person or situation in just a couple sentences? and that leaves a lot of room for the reader to investigate which i like :3 hm what else to say…. i really liked clayton (clayton!!!!) but i found erik super annoying ymmv. the ending kinda leaves you at a loss which i honestly kinda like? like yeah obv a sequel would be nice but i like it the way it is. anyways not for the faint of heart but id still recommend<3

accidentally engaged by farah heron: f/m romance aww so cute <3 really nice contemporary romance which tosses together a bunch of tropes--arranged romance, fake dating, baking together--into something that actually works really well! the two leads were very charming and i liked reading about the good food. i liked the way the protagonist's almost-stereotypical portrait of a loving but strict south asian family (am i allowed to say this) gets fleshed into a group of honestly kinda bizarre people that love her and that reena can genuinely connect with. yay family! overall, not especially memorable to me personally but still enjoyable. rec if youre into contemporary romance

last breath: the limits of adventure: realistic fiction (?) about what it feels like to drown, die of dehydration, fall from a cliff, etc. lots of research, very thorough! (well sometimes they live and sometimes they dont). an expansion of this absolutely fantastic article about hypothermia. honestly none of the stories quite live up to this one imo but this is still a really solid and exciting read! i couldnt put it down! although it does have a touch of the orientalism that you get from like, a lot of extreme sports circles lol. i would definitely recommend reading the article, and maybe read the book if it especially interests you.

video games:

pokemon legends of arceus: a pokemon game set in the past that breaks the mold by letting you dodge roll. my opinions here coincide pretty closely with the dunkey video, which is that this is a really fun game that is also literally half finished. controls are clunky, story is paper thin, graphics are fucked, overworld is extremely empty but its also just very fun?? it took over my life for like two weeks and i missed class???? anyways i would not get this at full price but if you can borrow it from a friend its super interesting to experience. im looking forward to the kalos one :3

slay the princess: a horror? romance? visual novel about saving the princess, slaying tbe princess, and everything in between featuring the vocal chops of that one magnus archives guy. dudeee this is so fun! i think its very kind to the guy inside of me who is Embarrassingly Anxious about any and all video game choices that can like, affect the narrative. lmfao its fun to fit in a couple runs or two between other things, but i did start losing track of what previous paths id taken after a bit of a gap. however!!! i would definitely think about playing this game if you like visual novels or Narrative or Loops! or girls who kill lol theres a free demo if you want to try it out

movies:

velocipastor: action movie about a priest who turns into a velociraptor to punish the wicked!!!! so fucking cool a lot of love put into this (low budget) movie made me so sad i dont speak cantonese (? at least i think thats what it was) watch this with friends

music:

Gato by nobonoko: really fun 80s synth jazz? album written by two fictional gay furries. no wait come back ok this is one of those things i got recommended by youtube and then actually listened to it a bunch of times its just very soothing and nice :3 ive been listening to jazz pretty much my whole life so i have a huge bias. also im a sucker for fictional bands eg splatoon… also the art is so cute?? those two guys?? its hard to pick a favorite song but i think i like the titular gato! also theres a bunch of other stuff made by the same two artists

option by Crosses: i totally forgot what the genre for this is but its like when metal guys are like i need to have a song for my metal wedding. song recommended by neil -_- anyways very sappy im fond of it nonetheless. i definitely did think it said "can you promise me to the grave"

Roy by Idles: from british rock band idles new album tangk! im going to be honest i did not like this album as much as some of the other ones by idles, but thats ok! hmm when i play this song out loud during crew shifts i feel embarrassed. but i really like seeing how idles' vocalist's voice has evolved over time! the way hes branched out into more melodic and belty stuff over time is very fun. the prechorus + chorus are very fun to sing along to as well :3 its just a fun song

anyways if you read any portion of this thanks as always :3 what else to say.. i made pandesal recently and its been my only successful bread that i can remember. go me! anyways see you guys in a bit

[mekatrio]

2024 VIDEO GAME WRAP UP!!!! for fun here are my rankings and short reviews for every game i played this year... well not every game but every new game i played and completed that i spent at least 10+ hours on 😚 also no major spoilers yayyy!!! ranking from least fave to fave woohoo

9. aa3

a waste of my goddamn time... not just the worst game i played this year but also the worst game ive ever played PERIOD.... i spent like a good 3/4 months complaining abt it so i wont do that song and dance again, but to summarize it rq... this game does a whole lot to just essentially say 2 things: which is 1.) "minors are capable of seducing adults and can be held liable for doing such" and 2.) "abuse victims do not deserve ANY grace when considering the actions they take against their abusers". if my words were waterdrops i could turn a desert into an oasis with how much i have to complain abt this piece of shit.. anyways FUCK THIS GAME! AND FUCK SHU TAKUMI! 🖕

8. aa1

I DONT hate this game in fact w the exception of aa3 i enjoyed all the games ive played, basically low ranking =/= bad game, but aa1 is down here bc well hmmm it was a good game thats for sure (tho some of its game design was frustrating and could stand to be better; a lot of aa1 was revisting locations again and again to find a story trigger), but it wasnt.. super remarkable to me 😗 at least compared to how excellent aa2 and aa4 were. the homosexuality was sooo delicious tho like trust i still hate phoenicolas wright but i love his derangedness too.. i have a very love hate relationship with aa. ANYWAYS!

7. aa2

i still stand by my opinion that 2-4 is the best case of the first four games like that was a MASTERPIECE in pacing and drama and THEMES AND RAHHHHH I STILL LOVE IT SO MUCH but sadly i cant let one case alone carry my entire opinion on this game, cuz as good as 2-4 is i cannot ignore how weak the other cases were... especially 2-3. i rly dont have to say anything abt big top now do i 😑 but still 2-4 was good enough for me to rank this game above aa3 & aa1.. franziska i love you 4EVER

6. slay the spire

this game really fucking possessed me at the start of the year wrsjdkbxks and i just checked my total amt of game time i played it this year and my god i played fucking um. 200+ hours..?!#? 😭😭😭 so yeah i Truly enjoyed this game i think its so super duper fun and ADDICTIVE and its just a tried and true roguelike that allows sooo much experimentation, its great!! its quite low on my ranking tho cuz ive fell off quite a bit w how busy ive been but also i guess i played it so much that it started to feel repetitive to me HAHHH but thats also after 200+ hours sooo.. its still a pretty damn good game?! but anyways yeah im looking forward to the sequel very very much <3 <3

5. tales of vesperia

TALES OF FUCKING VESPERIAAAAA im still not done picking apart this game yet but god what a fucking. game. thing. EXPERIENCE... is it mid yes. definitely. but also like.... not entirely. like idk after playing i was definitely frustrated with several story aspects but as i was playing through the game itself, especially during the beginning and the middle of the game, the writing was sooo fucking strong and engaging and compelling and that does count for something to me. in spite of Everything i still really enjoyed it. also this game was gorgeous. and i loved how unexpectedly funky the music was. and the combat was soooo fun even tho i was complete ass at it. mediocre game and i mean this in the kindest heartwarming way ever with ALL the love in my heart. i hope yuri lowell gets hit by a car

3 & 4. aa4 and 999 zero escape

i cannot decide which one i like better so fuck it theyre both on the same ranking. ill talk abt aa4 first. although um its a bit hard to talk abt what makes aa4 so awesome without spoilers.. but essentially apollo and trucy >>>>>>>>>> phoenix and maya. in so many ways. i love apollo. and trucy. and their dynamic. also klavier was an extremely compelling prosecutor. godot was a joke and edgeworth was kinda just a tsundere with trauma (franziska is a queen tho), but klavier was veryy rich and interesting in both his actions and his motivations. ok im starting to make myself sad again thinking abt aa4's lost potential WAHHH but yeah its still a gem even if it kinda fell on its face at the finish line. def my fave aa out of the four and also easily my MOST FAVORITE soundtrack too. not just of aa games but of every game i played this year I LOVEEE the music of this game. so much. mwah. also fuck whatever the haters say i loved every case of this game. yes 4-2 and 4-3 were good idgaf

now onto 999 zero escape... another game with absolutely amazing art direction. the music and the backgrounds and the dreary and tense atmosphere is soooooo fucking good. also this is another game thats hard to talk about with spoiling everything. fuck. its ok tho we move. but yeah the [REDACTED] aspect of the gameplay was sooooooo Wowww and WOW and intriguing and there is something sooo so wrong with junpei so it was so fun to play as an absolute weirdo and also the writing was solid enough where i was able to predict a good amt of plot twists which was super satisfying and rewarding like this was a damn good game. its a shame that certain elements were dropped and werent as fleshed out but in spite of this it was still an incredible experience. and yas i cried at the ending that was heartbreaking and GOOD.... great experience. have you heard of the crystallization of glycerin

2. style savvy

STYLE!!!!! SAVVY!!!!!!!!!!!!! i was not expecting to love this game as much as i did but wow it is AMAZING... like first of all the music. gorgeous and chic and fun and popping. and then THE VISUAL AESTHETIC.... this game is incredible. it looks so good and it is so charming and the fashion outfits are great and despite being 10+ years old the models aged sooo well and also i love the skin color diversity too its so fab..!!!! and the gameplay WOWW im in love with how unexpectedly strategic it is like the game wont tell it to u but once you figure out what clothings are from what brands then Thats The Key.... thats how u ace the customers requests on ur first try! and then the limited storage makes buying outfits strategic too and its a balance between having enough to sell but selling enough to buy more later like i loveee love this game so much 🩷🩷🩷🩷

and last of all 1. tales of the abyss

My Game Of The Fucking Year...... goddd where do i even begin. but seriously this game saved me cuz i was experiencing a dangerous level of brain damage from playing 4 ace attorney games in a row like shu takumi's bullshittery was POISONING me so to play abyss when i did was like Ohhh... Ohhh my god Thank You. but like really wow this game is really.... something very special to me. like i dont think the dungeon design is very great. and the combat was probably very good but this was my first tales game and they dont really tell you anything so i was fumbling through the entire thing. and i also played the 3ds port which has so many framedrops and the audio mixing on cutscene was practically non-existent. but the story and writing was so incredibly amazing that i could bear through all of this games weaknesses so easily. this sounds a bit crazy bc a video game shouldnt only have its strength in one aspect but im exaggerating a bit hereeee cuz like the game used its synopsis and in-game scenes to tell its story very well too and the pacing was amazing and solid throughout the game except a few parts in the middle where it faltered a bit, but it was still very strong!! but imo abyss' strength truly lies in its character writing like Oh my goodness this was really.. REALLY something special. there are so many characters and so many of them are so fleshed out and have so many nuances and compelling motivations and connections to one another and its like.. so crazy cuz they almost feel like. real people??? as in yes the game has its share of anime bullshittery and typical story tropes ofc it does, but yet at the same time so many of their reactions and responses to events both past and present felt very incredibly grounded?! this game is an incredible experience that was not only very heart-breaking but also veryyy very moving. and like honestly for a while i had been feeling worried that maybe i wont ever find a game so perfectly catered to me the way mm and ffix were again cuz like ive tried many many games but none of them were hitting the same way... but finally abyss arrived and its. just wow. i love it very very much 😭

AND YEAH this was a great game for video games!!!! TALES OF THE ABYSS GOTY WOOHOO!!!!

[gabapentinblues]

12.30.2024 nightly journal entry <3

tw; sh and ed

woke up when the sun came up around 7am. The sun was out basically all day which was niceeeee. stretched made coffee and weighed myself. Motivation. i really do want to lose weight, the thought is starting to consume me but i dont want to be honest about it at all.

i got ready, sat under my sun lamp, wrote a little, ate a banana, took my meds (zoloft, abilify, welbutrin) (too many imo). was late coming in bc i left at the last minute and then the train i was on was delayed. but the sun was out and i read my book. i was dressed pretty comfy and i put my cute keychains on my bag.

therapy was alright today. i talked about almost getting into an accident on saturday and how i didnt feel anything about it. how i feel lonely no matter where i am. my therapist said to practice mindfulness and gratitude, and shes right ive been doing that less often and should adjust my mindset.

so some things im grateful for today, my weed, that i got stoned but was also productive, my candles, writing my 2025 manifesto, emo music, white monster, that i got to paint today, that i cleaned all my crystals on saturday, the sun being out, my comfortable bed, horror movies, texting my friends, new years eve plans, getting my laundry done and put away, that i somehow did the dishes. so yeah thats some gratitude.

we also wrote letters today. my letter was a goodbye letter to my binge eating. i feel conflicted about it because i want to end it, but i dont want to let go of the restrictive side of my ed. its really messy and i feel like im going to have to talk about it.

we had open studio and i painted. i also asked the art therapist if we could have an individual therapy session together. she was a little caught off guard and confused by that, but i think it might be able to happen. i want to go thru my vent sketchbook w her.

group ended and i rode the train home. there was one coming right as i was coming up the steps. sun was out while i walked home and it wasnt terribly cold.

got home and had an apple and hummus and pretzels. then i kind of didnt know what to do. i sat under my sunlamp more, took my last ten gabapentin, and self harmed. i cut deeper than i have been.

then i was feeling a little more clear headed, i started laundry and drank a monster. i rewrote the binge eating letter and spent more time on it bc my therapist wants to talk about it. then i decided to smoke even though i really wanted to try not to.

but i got my laundry put away, wrote a calendar for january with the main four goals i need to focus on. i painted a little more and texted my friends. i actually cleaned my bathroom and did my dishes. i dont know why those tasks were impossible this past week. amazing that i got the dishes done.

i needed to clean up bc my friends will probably be here tomorrow and maybe later this week. looking forward to new years plans, gonna pick up wine omw back from therapy tomorrow and meet up w friends to do crafts and then go to another friends house to celebrate the rest of the night.

really looking forward to it. now i think im gonna make soup and watch a movie. or maybe just drink some tea im not sure.

anyway that was my day and im trying to be calm, present and grateful <3

[roseworth]

Thoughts on Allwinter finale?

well first before i say anything: lili mention!!!!!!!!

i always love lili acknowledgement and shes even supposedly ALIVE here which is exciting. but i also have an issue with that and ill circle back to that in a sec

anyways. i think this book fell into the trap that all the most boring deathstroke stories do, which is that they made slade too good. hes framed as the hero who can be blamed for SOME of the issues, but the Real Bad Guy is someone else, making his family seem irrational for blaming slade for the problems instead of the actual villain. in this story vandal was the evil king and viktor was the person causing all the problems. the issues happened because of slade but he wasnt the one doing it. as ive said many times before, the most interesting thing about deathstroke is that he is a bad person and he knows hes a bad person and everyone around him knows hes a bad person. this story made him more like a misunderstood hero than an actual guy who sucks

and i mean. its an elseworld so i cant complain too much about mischaracterization, and the whole point of the story was that it was leading up to a happy family reunion. and happily family reunion means slade cant be TOO in the wrong and he has to be the hero in the end. so he killed one guy many years ago and thats the extent of what he did "wrong" and. idk. thats just kinda boring to me bc i come to deathstroke comics for messy drama and horrible people so its disappointing to see a story like this where all issues can be fixed in the end so they can all group hug.

but going back to rose specifically.. it pains me to say this but i think the fact that rose was there hurt the story. in terms of the story it was telling it wouldve been better if they just hadnt included her at all. she served basically no narrative purpose, they could've just as easily only had silver banshee as the hired hitman that was kidnapping alec instead of including rose, and the backstory wouldve been a lot cleaner since now we have rose who came from ? somewhere. they dont talk about who rose's mother is except for the fact that its not adeline, though timeline-wise slade and adeline were still supposed to be happily together in this universe when rose was conceived. and now rose hates slade for unspecified reasons that she can easily get over in the end, making her even more flat as a character. not to mention lili is alive according to the last issue, but for some reason wintergreen was the one to raise rose ? and at some point despite rose having been raised by wintergreen and her mother, she decides to become a mercenary so what was the point of wintergreen raising her in the first place. it just seems very odd to me and as happy as i was to see her it seems like the narrative was worse because they included her. though my main problems mostly come from the fact that i was reading the book with rose goggles and i didnt care about anything but her, so the fact that her character wasnt very fleshed out bothered me a lot since she was the whole reason i opened the book at all

but all that being said. if i take the story at face value i thought it was good! its a sweet lil thing if youre not going into it thinking of it as a deathstroke book, and i thought the universe & the conflict was interesting. and if i dont think too hard about rose's inclusion it was pretty well written! nothing spectacular but i thought it was a nice n simple story. its not a great rose book but its a fine book in general i think

[james-fun-in-the-sunderland]

Mob Psycho 100 for fandom! And Amy from Sonic for character~

omg hello thank u niru c:

obligatory link back to the original ask game

Mob Psycho 100

sorry that alot of these repeat and probably arent like insane thoughts, i was only big into mp100 when i was like 16 and finished the anime like a year ago 😭

Favorite character: Serizawa c: hes a 6w5 so legally i must enjoy him but also i just like him ... he has curly hair and is cool OH AND TOME !!!! shes fun :) i dont fully remember my interesting thoughts on her but i enjoy her and how she works for reigen post canon. i think her weird girl charms get to me

Least Favorite character: uhhhh probably mogami or shous dad... theyre both just annoying like whateverrr stop being a dumb adult stop beefing with 15 year olds losers...

5 Favorite ships (canon or non-canon): 1.... serirei?? is that the ship name. serizawa and reigen. basically canon ? 2. mobteru again basically canon 3. . um . theres not much ships i really have with this show so idk if i can do 5 but i can at least do three bc i think tome and mezato is cute :) i briefly became obsessed w them for a bit after season 2 .... i think the ship of the two claw guys . the like sword one and the other guy is pretty cool...

Character I find most attractive: serizawa. who would have guessed.

Character I would marry: nobody everyone here has many red flags also theyre 90% children

Character I would be best friends with: if i was a teenager there is a non zero chance i genuinely would be besties with tome but also maybe slightly find her annoying. but also maybe i would become besties with mob. in normal life none of them bc i would never talk to children or the adults in the show

A random thought: i think reigen is one of the last tumblr sexymen before that term really became used as meaning: character im sick of seeing so much of... but also i could be wrong. also can everyone stop drawing serizawa with straight hair ... i know they do in the manga/anime but if he had curly hair before they cut and washed him then it wouldnt go away. thats not how hair works and i should know as ive lived with it for like years.

An unpopular opinion: mogami arc wasnt that good, stop using it as an excuse to be weird abt child characters plsss

My canon OTP: nothing is canon :/ so

Non-canon OTP: serirei as i said above ☝

Most badass character: mob :] hes cool and awesom... but also i do think

Pairing I am not a fan of: idk if its bc i dont remember much but i cant see shou and ritsu as much more than besties but also obvs im not at all a fan of the . weirdly large amount of reigen and mob stuff like whats wrong with you all im killing you . i also just dont care too too much about ships between teenage characters so many of the ships in the fandom are like yea thats alright, also can see them as just besties, u kno?

Character I feel the writers screwed up (in one way or another): i didnt realize how little there was of serizawa in the manga or the anime .. i feel like he had more when i first read it ???? anyway he should be there more .

Favourite friendship: i think mob and reigen are fun as friends :) especially as they grow older, i think the dynamic would be fun. also teru and ritsu are fun when theyre together. worlds most dramatic 12 year olds.

amy will b under the cut

amy rose :)

How I feel about this character: I like her !!! i feel like shes not talked about much outside of ships which is a shame because i feel like if people came together on her character (this includes people writing canon) then there could be a compelling character here that wouldnt deny her roots or just stay the same sort of trope she used to be. I cant deny i do enjoy that they occassionally dip into her little interest in tarot :) its nice to see that trait remembered.

All the people I ship romantically with this character: sonic of course, shadow, blaze a bit?, metal sonic anddd... yea thats it

My non-romantic OTP for this character: i think her with silver or knuckles is always fun :) idk why i think its because they bounce off of each other well. equal levels of no braincells happening here at least with silver. and with knuckles i feel like they could have a fun brother sister dynamic.

My unpopular opinion about this character: what is the popular opinion on her .... idk ill just use this as more of me talking about her character in general. i wish people would use her abandonment issues more, or at least like integrate that into her character since i think its a trait that shows up a bit in the little visual novel and in sonic frontiers and i think that makes sense as a trait for her

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon: if she was ever playable again . I HAVENT played the sonic frontiers dlc but i think giving her a little spin off game ala the princess peach games would be fun. maybe then her team from sonic heros can be used again and i could like care about big and cream outside of them being sparingly used in canon .. and big not just being a joke ... also i just want more development for herrr im always begging for development or character in this series i know its for children but plsss also i wish they would like actually like .. fully deal with her whole thing with sonic... it feels like they wanna pretend her obsession just never happened and wasnt like the main thing with her character before they basically turned her into sally acorn.

My OTP: honestly ive really come around on amy x metal sonic :) i think mainly bc i cant see her with sonic at all (<- sonadow truther) and also i think it could be interesting if i thought about it more deeply

My OT3: amy x sonic x blaze i know i just said i cant see her with sonic but this is the exception, if i had to have an ot3 it would be this .. otherwise idk if i would have one.

[aroaceofthesea]

Ok so today was kinda crazy over here (in barcelona) so here's a bit of an explanation of what happened bc i have nothing better to do: (apparently its been in the news in quite a few places outside spain too but like most of the articles were wildly in favor of spain on this so this is like. what it looks like from the other side. some context and then what happened and some personal commentary lol)

Ok so Catalunya is a part of Spain that for a long time has been oppressed so a considerable amount of people want independence. In fact it has always been a very important factor when voting etc for some people even more than right wing or left wing (we used to have nothing like your republican party here now there is but thats not the point)

Ok so today's drama actually started on 2017 the 1st of october. The democratically elected catalan government for once kept their promises and organized a referendum to see if the majority wanted independece or not, even though the spanish government declared it illegal

Anyways a lot of shit went down, a lot of police brutality and an overwhelming 97% yes (though thats mostly bc the people against independence were generally against the referendum and didn't vote but that's on them) then the government declared independence like a week or so later (then they took it back after 8 seconds💀)

Okay so then like 1 hour after that the spanish government applied an article from the constitution (which has been around since the dictator which most people in power were supporters of died) that allowed them to override the democratically elected government and put whoever they chose in power which you know. very democratic thing to do (the party the spanish president was from had literally 8 of 135 representatives in catalunya just so you get an idea)

Anyways eventually they judged the representatives in the democratic government and it was clear they were going to get a lot of jail time. Some of them stayed here and got up to 9 years of jail i think it was? but some of them didn't want to risk this and also recognition from other countries mattered a lot to us at the moment so they went to different european countries each. Spanish judges of course sent euroorders which basically is they judge them in that country and decide if they should send them back

Off the top of my head, they've been in belgium, the uk, switzerland, denmark, finland, austria and germany and they were found not guilty in each. of. them. however meanwhile the ones who stayed got so many years of jail..... sus huh

Anyways that was many years ago during this time the president at the time traveled around those countries, became a MEP (he was in the eu parliament) and got immunity then gave that up to be in the catalan parliament this spring

And like, all these years the big campaign for his political party was like okok i promise this time im not lying uwu hes really gonna come back this time and it was always a lie but like this time apparently it wasnt :)

So today was the day they were supposed to vote for the new president, and he was supposed to vote bc he was elected etc anyways they were like not clickbait!! he's really coming this time!! Go protest in front of the parliament for when they detain him!!

And ok so the protest was supposed to start at 8am but until like 9am nothing happened then they were like everyone welcome the president!! And the motherfucker appeared in front of everyone (this man was supposed to be arrested like. the minute he set foot in spain) and gave a speech like oh im back they will probably detain me today but dont let that stop you blahblahblah anyways eventually they were like ok make a path and let's all bring the president to the parliament together!! (this guy will always be president in our hearts)

So anyways we created this path they came etc we all knew they werent going to detain him then but we were all kinda hoping they would bc it was better than them detaining him later and all the members of his party went through there all the cameras etc except. it was just a decoy

So no one knew this except probably the members of his party and the 3 or 4 ppl that helped him escape but the man just. disappeared like legit no one knows where he is yet

And like at first it was weird like i havent seen him but i must have missed him and thats it right? except it was this for everyone but still it seemed like a conspiracy theory yet when we talked about him maybe having left anyways the police didnt even know something was wrong until the session started and the guy just. wasn't there. after giving a speech in front of everyone in front of the parliament

Anyways who knows what happened and in what order but we kept protesting they arrested a policeman who had helped the president escape with his car, they even activated the fucking terrorist protocol and started what's apparently called operation cage where they just. Check every single car (including the trunk bc they are traumatized by a joke that last time he left it was on the trunk of a car) coming in or out of the city and in or out of the country. Read that again. The terrorist protocol for a politician from 7 years ago on an 8 of august around 11 am causing massive retentions fucking everywhere at infinite degrees celsius (idk who looks more like a terrorist in here man)

And like. What they wanna judge him for isn't even legal now? Like a couple years ago they approved a law that idk exactly what it said but basically if they hadn't kept the money for themselves it wasnt a crime (and yes it was retroactive) but the judges decided that since their capital hadn't decreased bc of it then it had obviously increased (it didnt it just. stayed the fucking same) so yeah they could still obviously go after him

Anyways i hope he makes it out of the country and gets the fucking pleasure to mock the entire country laugh at their faces as he somehow makes it out once again

Puta espanya i visca catalunya thanks for reading lol

[queerspaceprince]

super long post

i saw the tv glow spoilers, me being depressing, tw's in tags

i went to see I Saw the TV Glow this afternoon. i got it. def cried a little (idk if hrt has stopped me from crying more bc i havent cried since i was in hs anyway) my sib got it, tho we havent talked ab it yet bc im still processing even now. my mom did not get any of it. at all. wasnt affected. thats fine, whatever.

and. jesus. i give the movie a 15/10, but it was. a whole lot. i have too many emotions.

Im def gonna mention a few spoilers so if you dont want to be spoiled, is your warning.

it made me feel too much. is the allegory really allegory if the hidden meaning is right at the surface?

when owen says that thing during their convo on the bleachers -i cant remember the exact words fuck- something about feeling hollow or missing something or whatever, how he thinks something is wrong with him and his parents do to-i feel that. so much. i felt it so much more before my egg cracked, but i still feel it in relation to my depression and anxiety. that hit me.

there was also that part about feeling like you're watching yourself from the outside, as if through a tv. oof.

then the whole thing maddie said about how time didnt feel right, how nothing changed when she left. i get it. I was 10 nd my parents got divorced, and suddenly im 11 and thinking i wanted to d1e for the first time, and then im 14 in a kind of manipulative relationship, with like 1 friend and super depressed, and then i was graduating and realizing im queer and exploring my gender and going through a breakup. then im 20, and getting my first job, and coming out to my family. and now im 26. and i still mostly feel the same way i always have. i have more good days, and im more confident now, but i still feel like im just going through the motions a lot of the time.

when did I stop being a kid? ive been an adult for 8 years and Im still only working part time (32 hrs), still living with my mother bc rent is $$$$, still barely functional enough that I havent cleaned my room since last year and ive only showered 3 times in the past week, and i have to force myself to go get coffee on my days off or else ill stay in bed all day. Im just stuck here. i shouldve taken driving lessons when I could. id be out. except i cant leave my sibling behind with my mother. shes not awful, but them being alone is an explosion waiting to happen. but they dont have a job and i doubt i could support both of us. and now i dont trust my eyes enough, like i read for 15 minutes and everything else goes blurry, like im seeing triple.

anyway. next is the scene in where she talks about k1lling herself to get back to the pink opaque world. I. have to admit i nearly threw up. the imagery, the way she spoke about it. she said she regretted it while she was stuck underground, then how she felt good about it, about getting out....ive been sitting in a low spot for a while, it was better while we were on our trip, but it just reverted when we came back. i keep thinking im going to relapse into sh again. i feel so close to the edge sometimes. and theres really no reason for it either. my life is fine. not great, not perfect. but adequate. anyway i had to close my eyes and take a minute after that.

i feel that even without wanting to go back to the other world, maddie was suicidal. she wouldve found some reasoning to k1ll herself. Now ive only ever been actively su1cidal once, when i was 15 -or 16- idk my teen years are all a blur of depression and anxiety. im good now. well. i say good. im more, self destructive then really wanting to d1e. just. i feel so bad on the inside for no reason, why can i have a reason to hurt on the outside?? anyway, im ok now, im 3.5 years clean, i dont want that to change. im working on my coping mechanisms.

there was another quote from that planetarium scene that i couldnt stop thinking about but has now vanished from my mind entirely. bc sometimes getting my thoughts in order is like. catching smoke.

anyway. then everything after that. him growing old. knowing something about him is different but not wanting to acknowledge it or it would drastically his life as he knows it. I understand that feeling. except for me, its not exactly acknowledgement of myself, its doing something about it. while I didnt exactly stay in the closet long, that feeling of not wanting anything to change is why the closet exists. i realized i was queer in 2014, trans 2015. came out as bi that summer, but i didnt come out as trans until 3 years later. when I had a job. access to money if i ended up getting kicked onto the street. i literally had a bag packed and ready to go. and yet. even when i did come out, i was too afraid to correct my family on my pronouns or name for another year. my sibling really helped with that. immediately used them. Tbh theyre my fave person and id do anything they asked.

the whole thing about there still being time.

i see a lot of tiktoks about this. people watning to do stuff now bc there is still time to change your life or whatever. im interpreting it differently.

there is time now, but your hourglass will run low eventually. live while you still can, while you can still do something about it. how that message showed up after maddie left- their time together had run out, but he might still be able to do something. make a change. idk. but owen was too scared to do anything.

im still scared to do anything.

i still dont correct people on my name or pronouns if they get them wrong. i still dont speak up if my family says anything not pc (they are learning tho). im too scared to talk about any big feeling i have bc ive always been brushed off in the past and i dont want to feel worse becasue of it.

i still havent done anything to get my name or gender marker changed bc im scared. idk why. ive been living as a man for 6 years, i got top surgery almost 3 years ago, and ive been on hrt for nearly 2.

it terrifies me for some reason. maybe ts the complexity of it. ive found 3 different versions of the paperwork, and nowhere does it tell me exactly how or who to submit it too. one of those said i could submit online but it had to be printed, notarized, and scaned back into the computer? none of the other versions said it had to be notarized???

and i have nobody who has any knowlege that could help. my aunt worked for a lawyer for years, and yet she just said all I have to do is go to the dmv. like babe. no. thats not how that works.

i think ill start on that again.

while i still have time.