#i also don't remember anything she said because. elementary school age

[bookwyrminspiration]

hi! 1. i have been on the road for hours but am finally getting close to home and oh man quil it is so good to see all the familiar landmarks and foliage again, i forgot how absolutely homesick i was but this is such a place to be homesick for, and 2. this is not about found family AND i still haven't. actually finished the entire series really so i don't even know how satisfactory the ending is (or if i've already recommended it haha) but the false prince, which is part of the ascendance series, might be a fun read for you! i remember reading tgl for the first time and the main character's Voice reminded me SO MUCH of sage, the mc from that book, that i had to sit down and check if the authors were the same (they were not). it's abt this orphan kid who gets kidnapped so he can compete w a handful of other boys to impersonate the late prince who had been killed years ago and become a, i think it's called a puppet ruler? for some guy. it is EXTREME amounts of fun from what i remember of it haha--my brother and i didn't know there were other books until like this year though, which sucks because it's like!!!! i think like four other books!!! that's so wild!!! it was one of our favorites!!! so i mean it's your choice if u would ever read the entire series bc i can't guarantee the quality of it but i genuinely love the entire tone of the first book it's just so well done :)

Hello! 1. I am so so glad for you--when I was coming home a couple weeks ago it was so nice to see the streets and know where we were, how the traffic flowed, the kinds of stops and lights you'd find, the way's the streets looked. In CA it was so green everywhere and I was just like. what the fuck where are my Rocks and Dirt and why do we have to take so many uturns. wishing you pleasant dreams back in your own place with your own food and clothes and atmosphere <3

2. !!! I have that series!! I own the first three--though I think my sister's had the first book for a few years, because she borrowed it a while back and never gave it back. same with the lightning thief. and I didn't realize until like a year ago that there's a book 4 + 5 now, so I haven't finished the series either. I actually. Don't know if I ever read past book 1--I think I started book 2, but stopped a few chapters in? I can't say for certain because it was so long ago--I read the false prince almost a decade ago, in elementary school for battle of the books, so I've forgotten nearly everything.

And I remember I really loved the voice as well! I might've even stopped partway into book 2 because the voice didn't feel the same, but again. it's been a while. I remember very little except for the final twist, with the fools gold thing. But I know elementary me was blown off her fucking feet with that I was SO astonished and blind-sided.

But!! Because I own books 2 + 3 but haven't finished them, I do fully intend to reread the false prince at some point in the future so I can read those! on my quest to read all the books I own! so while I can't have any meaningful conversation about any of it (i forgot his name was sage, for example...), I will be able to someday!! i don't know if I've ever seen anyone else talk about or mention the series--and I didn't know that was its name--so very cool that you have!

[thatseitagremlin]

gremlyn's danganronpa: despair time x digimon au

born to draw / world is a fuck / blender em all / i am au man / 410,757,864,530 unfinished wips /ref

everyone in the image is in elementary school age. this started because i wanted to draw kid charles in a stupidly oversized lab coat and stupidly oversized square glasses and it spiraled into this (though the au itself has been in the works for far longer)

as usual, yapping about the au under cut! but there is a LOT of text down there holy Shit. allusions to Certain DRDT Character Development Spoilers; knowledge about digimon isn't necessary but will be helpful! :)

the au's bones / plot summary

ultimate titles and hope's peak academy do not exist in this universe. the tragedy never happened. everyone still has their respective talents, which helps some characters (e.g. min is a normal student living an average life) and hurts others

mai akasaki is this universe's first ever chosen child / digidestined. she encounters her partner digimon, makes all kinds of friends (everyone else in the pic except teruko) who she loves dearly (even if all of them drive her up the wall in their own unique ways), and eventually (high school age), all of them get isekai'd to the digital world!! they get to go on a fun adventure and improve as people and be closer friends!!!!!

until the part where mai dies an untimely, Brutal death during the final battle. which was Not Supposed To Happen. Whoops!

her death and the circumstances surrounding it cause her friend group to fracture, and most of them do not cope well at all.

i'll probably make a separate post for this, but tl;dr after the final battle; hu and ace initially stay in the digital world to clean up the final battle's aftermath, with differing outlooks on life -> charles has a breakdown + remembers his buried childhood memories, preventing him to function for a good while -> whit tries to take care of him just as he once did but his shitty coping mechanisms and refusal to acknowledge anything make the overall group disorder even worse -> david secludes himself in the digital world after a week of no contact -> xander tries looking for him and david avoids him. worst situationship in existence -> j and arei run away from their respective families and stay together. funniest situationship in existence -> arei realizes how fucked everyone is and is determined to honor mai's memory by keeping tabs on everyone and making sure her stupid friends will be alright

a few years after (depending on how old everyone actually is in canon— college age?), when things have somewhat settled and half of them (arei, j, ace, charles) have moved on, working for their futures, a message from mai's partner digimon is sent to everyone. it's something along the lines of "Bring* Teruko Tawaki to the Digital World and we'll revive** Mai"

*teruko would probably die in exchange

**they don't know and can't know in what form would mai Hypothetically come back in

teruko is just trying to survive with her scraggly cat who she definitely does not project onto. now she has to fend off a bunch of weirdoes with their own funny animals that are trying to?? kidnap her???????? her bad luck kicks in and an innocent stranger (eden) gets dragged into this mess too so she's morally obligated to let said innocent stranger get away as far as possible. (un?)fortunately, eden wants everyone to be happy, so she isn't leaving until teruko's safety is also guaranteed

teruko and eden get front seats to mai's friends having too many internal conflicts and moral crises about potentially sacrificing an uninvolved stranger's life to bring their friend back

i have no idea how this ends. i just want to do some Character Building (bullying my blorbos)

digimon & crest assignments (major characters)

people who at least know of digimon adventure will now notice that all of the digimon here are the baby forms of partners relevant in digimon adventure continuity. it is very much intentional! ^w^

in this universe, digimon partners are "reflections of their human partner's souls", and can be roughly categorized into three groups: those who resemble their human, those who resemble their human's ideal self, and those who are direct manifestations of their human's problems

it is indeed possible for one to project onto their digimon

everyone meets their digimon partners during childhood. since the digimon hatch and grow up in the "real world", they take a while to evolve, and seem to change along with their humans

also this is where i put the disclaimer. i use jp terms and names 95% of the time soryr if you grew up with the dub :pensive:

hu: puroromon -> morphomon, crest of love. happy little butterfly :> butterflies represent change and rebirth, but hu's partner can't evolve like everyone else's partners even after their adventure? even after all these years, morphomon is still stuck in her child stage? how strange...

(morphomon evolves to hudiemon in arc 2 after hu finally accepts that things have changed irreversibly and she has to move on from the past, too)

ace: tokomon -> patamon, crest of courage. the direct manifestation of ace's fears, fate has seen it fit to give him exposure therapy by making patamon a snappy little dog that evolves to a horse (unimon).

(patamon -> unimon -> manticoremon -> kentaurosmon? i can't decide the final stage quite yet, but since his character substansially grows in arc 1, he unlocks said final stage before the end of arc 1)

david: tsunomon -> gabumon, crest of hope. i had to give xanvid agumon and gabumon because... You Know. whatever they're having good luck with that shit! gabumon's thing about being a reptile that wears a beast's fur coat to seem tougher is a. masking thing. i think. gabumon also could behave like how david was as a child

(gabumon -> garurumon -> weregarurumon -> cresgarurumon. yellow. cresgarurumon is unlocked during the final battle but can't be accessed again until after david and xander finally have a successful mutually civil conversation)

xander: koromon -> agumon, crest of light. protagonist energy. agumon is like a second xander and they constantly enable each other

(agumon -> greymon -> metalgreymon -> blitzgreymon. red. blitzgreymon is unlocked during the final battle but can't be accessed again until after david and xander finally have a successful mutually civil conversation)

good place to mention that i could swap david and xander's crests (david light / xander hope) and it'd still work. i personally interpret light as living and valuing life, even with the destinies and purposes one is burdened with, and that's why i gave it to the man with the definition of survivor's guilt hidden in his bio. also haha david "dubious protag" chiem and the funny h word. i would need to blender these two longer to pin down their crests once and for all but i'm leaning towards david hope / xander light for now

j: mochimon -> tentomon, crest of integrity / reliability. the juxtaposition of cute, squishy mochimon vs a ladybug that emits ELECTRICITY that evolves to even COOLER and SCARIER bugs!? tentomon is also more sympathetic than j to contrast them being the most judgmental person in this cast

(tentomon -> kabuterimon -> atlurkabuterimon blue -> rhinokabuterimon. unlocked before the end of arc 1 when j starts being more understanding of others without renouncing their own moral compass)

arei: pyocomon -> piyomon, crest of friendship. piyomon used to be the snappier, harsher one to protect arei from her sisters, but as they grew up, it's almost like their personalities reversed somehow...?

(piyomon -> cockatrimon -> delumon -> griffomon. the only stage that can fly is griffomon. unlocked before the end of arc 1 after arei's ch2e13 speech)

charles: tanemon -> palmon, crest of knowledge. plant baby that i jokingly call "charles jr" in my notes, just because the thought of palmon being charles' lab assistant and wearing goggles + labcoat was really cute...

(palmon -> sunflowmon -> toropiamon -> hydramon. poisonous guys. probably unlocked before the end of arc 1? i'm still figuring out how charles' arc would work if he grew up with whit, because on one hand a friend would help him, but on the other said friend is Whit Young and all the backstory involved with him)

whit: pukamon -> gomamon, crest of sincerity / purity. gomamon is more responsible than her partner though she's still pretty chill. i want to make her behave like whit's (idealization and idolization of his) mom, but it's probably gonna take like 5 years until he says anything more about her

(gomamon -> rukamon -> piccolomon? -> marinangemon. piccolomon was the best link i could figure out between a dolphin and a holy-adjacent sea angel. also this man is NOT getting marinangemon until late arc 2 at least. he needs the entire party to talk sense to him)

mai: nyaromon -> tailmon, crest of miracles. for Plot Reasons tailmon is silly!monotv. goofy and self-deprecating and makes shitty jokes. disappeared after mai's death and returns after a timeskip to implore mai's friends to bring it teruko tawaki

(tailmon -> kabukimon -> ofanimon. it's a lucky coincidence that kabukimon happens to be a tailmon armor evo. final stage unlocked during the final battle)

teruko: nyaromon. it looks like one at least. it's totally a nyaromon guys it's just like mai haha -> meicoomon, crest of fate. a scared kitty :( the manifestation of what remains of teruko's wish to have friends and trust others. meicoomon also appears to drive other digimon berserk just by being near them for long periods of time; a variation of teruko's bad luck, and the reason why these two are basically bound to each other. since teruko's bad luck hurts other people and meicoomon's "bad luck" hurts other digimon

(meicoomon -> meicrackmon vicious mode -> raguelmon. you know. probably a late evolver?)

eden: petitmeramon -> solarmon, crest of kindness. she isn't here but she's the most important character who i didn't draw. Sorry Eden. but solarmon is also like a second eden and they constantly enable each other

(solarmon -> clockmon. it's not that eden isn't getting development, it's just that i need clockmon to be plot relevant and i don't know what the two stages after could possibly be.)

digimon assignments (minor characters)

everyone in this part is irrelevant to the larger plot but i didn't wanna completely leave them out, esp since thinking of their hopes peak-less backstories could be really fun!!

however i have No Idea about what digimon most of these evolve to aside from like. canon stuff

min: minomon -> wormmon. bookworms :>

rose: budmon -> lalamon. silly plant thing :> they're -_- and :o buddies. evolves to togemon

nico: bowmon -> loogamon. as a nod to survive, i think loogamon is the one partner who can't talk in human language, but is very expressive? and nico quickly learns how their partner communicates and how to communicate with their partner

veronika: pagumon -> porcupamon. i had to give her the Spooky Bear Digimon there was no other way around it.

levi: tsumemon -> bemmon. ourple. generally the "unnatural" / unknown digimon tend to be purple, i just picked bemmon since it's probably getting a new evoline in liberators soon

arturo: puyoyomon -> jellymon. i had Absolutely Zero Idea for this guy and settled on Ghost Game's bastard of a jellymon because i want them to beef with each other

backstories and situations

mai is a perfectly normal girl with a loving family and many friends. her partner digimon isn't a "partner" in the same way everyone else's digimon are, but rather an individual (hence the monotv-like personality) who "chose" mai to be the hero of a predetermined story. a story that would end in its heroes becoming better people, having hope for the future

not all heroes succeed, though

charles and whit are childhood friends! yippee! they've been friends and stayed friends throughout most of their lives :) elliot and whit's mom still die, and charles still forgets about the former and possibly the latter :) i wonder where whit got those coping mechanisms from aha :D

i don't have concrete ideas for anyone else's backstory yet Sorry

the digimon partners could pass off as plushies in their baby forms but most of the cast probably had to spill the beans when they evolved to their child-sized forms forms

ryan keeps tempting j to unleash tentomon everytime paparazzi annoy them, to which the only thing stopping j from doing so is tentomon himself. elliot bullies palmon in the same way he bullies charles (affectionately). elizabeth treats gomamon like an actual dog and their neighbors think the young household has a dog who loves swimming a lot. patamon and agumon are popular with their partners' younger siblings. piyomon actually has successfully attacked arei's sisters

i think it'd be really funny if eden is popular enough in town to inexplicably at least know about the non-relevant characters + their digimon, no matter how unlikely. maybe classmates with min and rose, met nico in a cat cafe and stayed in contact, levi works nearby, saw arturo and jellymon argue in public

i'm not a shipper by any means, so i can't and won't write explicitly romantic relationships. but if it helps, my initial thoughts for relationships were queerplatonic charwhit, jarei situationship where neither of them know or care wtf they're doing, xanvid broken pedestals and breaking up in every way possible, and hu + ace... whatever you call "most divorced pair of people despite 1) never marrying and 2) one of them being a gay man". feel free to do your own spin on things though!

also little fun tidbit: the digimon's base colors (except teruko's nyaromon) are colorpicked from digimon world championship sprites just as a fun little challenge, and the color-coded lineart is meant to showcase that they're digital lifeforms physically existing in the real world

[imagines-by-a-typical-fangirl]

The One I've Been Waiting For {Part 04 of 13}

Pairing: Billy Hargrove X Older!reader

Word count: 2 K

Summary: Billy Hargrove is just one of the many students you're supposed to help. The last thing you expect from your interaction is that he'll start flirtt with you... Much less that Billy would stir up feelings you'd rather keep hidden. Despite the mutual sentiments that soon enough start to grow, there are a lot of reasons for whatever it is to be left alone, and one of them is your age...

<- Previous part (03)

Next Part (05) ->

{Stranger Things Masterlist}

A/N: In this story, reader is 5 years older than Billy, who's 18.

•••

The Heart and the Mind

Billy's mind is a chaotic place. But this time is for a whole different reason. It's been a while since he got together with a girl, and he doesn't even miss it. He did think about it more than a few times, but every time he considers it... All he can think about is her.

“Billy!” Max suddenly yells, snapping him out of his thoughts. With an angry face, he glances at her.

“What the hell, shitface?”

“What's wrong with you? Why are you acting so weird?” Max asks, and he rolls his eyes, focusing on the road.

“I'm normal.” Shrugging his shoulders, Billy checks his face through the review mirror. There's nothing wrong with him.

“No, you're not. You're more stupid than usual. And less angry.” She goes on, and Billy runs a hand through his head before hanging an arm on the open window. “It looks like you have something in your head.”

“Max, shut the hell up.” He mutters, taking a deep breath. “Care about your own business and leave me alone.”

“Fine, whatever.” She mumbles.

He was just about to lash out at her again when he remembers what (Y/N) said. Billy was never too fond of Max, and he doesn't want her to be one more thing he has to care about. But they were both forced into each other's lives, and she also has to deal with Neil. Of course, she doesn't see the worst side of him, since she's Susan's daughter. But part of Billy, a tiny little part is happy she's not the one being beaten up. Thinking about it now, imagining Neil hitting Max, makes him angry. Furious.

“What about that shitty boyfriend you have?” He asks, eyes on the road.

“What about him?”

“Damn it, Maxine. Is he treating you ok? Because if he ever does anything I'll have to end his miserable life.” He's finally at the Elementary School, stopping the car. “We're family now, it doesn't matter how we feel about it, so if anyone screws up with you, it's my business too.”

“You're going crazy.” She mumbles before opening the door.

“Maybe I am.” He whispers to himself, ignoring how she pushes the door close.

Driving fast, he makes his way to Hawking High School for more endless hours of bullshit. Billy can't take this anymore, not here at least. He was never into school, but back in Cali, at least he was home, in a place he loved. But here, he has nothing.

Nothing but a girl stuck in his head. A girl whose smile is burned in his memory, that he plays back all the time. Billy acts like he doesn't have a heart, but (Y/N) certainly makes him feel as if it's beating again. Maybe for the first time in his life.

—————

You've been quite off the whole morning, not paying attention to anything. Lucky for you, today's class is just about the presentations of last month's projects, and since your group was the first one, you had the privilege of sitting in the back and letting your mind float away from this place.

The thing you don't want to think about is the only thing you think about. Or better said, the person.

Billy has been going through your mind on a daily basis, ever since you last met him when you went to the quarry. You did cross paths with him at school, and he was nice, asking how your day was. With kind eyes and a beautiful smile.

And now, the man has been constantly in your head. Night and day, even though you've been struggling not to. And you like thinking about him. You even miss him, looking down at you with those blue eyes.

“(Y/N),” Tanya calls, and you snap out of your thoughts, noticing that the class is over. “Where are you? You didn't even pay attention to the project's presentation.”

“Yeah, I...” Gathering your stuff, you follow Tanya outside. “I was just thinking.”

“About what?”

“Nevermind, Tany. It's stupid.”

“Well–”

“How is my beautiful girlfriend doing?” The voice is quickly followed by a sudden hug. Liam has one arm around Tanya and the other around your shoulders. He kisses her before placing a kiss on your cheek. “And my beautiful bestie?” You wrinkle your noise at his word and the high pitched voice he usually uses.

“Your bestie has a boy in her head.” Tanya singsongs, and you roll your eyes. “I have to go to the restroom. Be right back.” Kissing Liam again, she waves at you and walks away.

“So you finally met someone you're interested in?” Liam asks as you move to one of the wooden benches set near the walls.

“Let's sit there.”

The wind is stronger than earlier today, making the tree's branches bend over. The campus is beautiful, and as you sit down, pulling your legs up, you watch as people come and go. The exposed skin of your shoulders makes you feel cold, but you ignore it. You like it here, it's far better than the one in Indianapolis. There's more nature, and the campus is full of trees and bushes, and even a garden on the East side. Things move slower here in Hawkings, but you like it.

“So? Who's this guy?”

“Liam, I need a guy's opinion on something.” Crossing your legs, you turn towards him.

“Bring it on.”

“How would you feel if Tanya was older than you?”

Liam furrows his eyebrows, getting a thoughtful expression for a while. He seems quite surprised by your question. “Well, if was still Tanya, I'd fall for her anyway.” He says, nodding to himself. “I mean, the dynamic would be different. Let's say that by her age she could have children or even an ex-husband. And the years of experience would probably make a gap in between us and if we're from different generations we'd like different things but–”

“Children and ex-husband?” You cut him off, not able to follow up with whatever he's saying.

“Yeah. The probabilities are that she'd at least have one past long-term relationship.”

Closing your eyes for a few seconds to gather your thoughts, you take a deep breath. “Liam, let me rephrase that. What if Tanya was, let's say... Five years older than you?” That's way too specific. “Would you still like her? Or even consider dating her?”

Liam gives you a look, raising one eyebrow. “Here I am, analyzing every aspect and challenge of a relationship with an age gap and you were speaking about five years?” You silently nod. “That's not even a gap. That's just a couple of years, no big deal.”

“It's just that... When the guy is older everyone finds it hot.” You start, looking down at your hands. You shouldn't even be talking about this, since Billy Hargrove isn't even a possibility. But this is just something you need to know, something you need someone else's opinion on. And Liam, being a guy, gives you a better perspective. “But when it's the other way around... People find it weird.”

“(Y/N), age is just a number.” He's still speaking when Tanya comes back, sitting next to him. “Correction. After eighteen, age is just a number. You're both adults and it doesn't matter what people say, only what you feel. And you don't even look your age, people wouldn't even spot the age difference.”

“What makes you think I'm talking about me?” You're quick to defend yourself, stuttering a little.

“Because you were way too specific for this to be a hypothetical situation or about someone else.” Liam exchanges a look with Tanya, who smiles.

“You know you don't have to hide things from us.” She says, reaching out a hand, which you hold. “We're here to help and support you. And if something happens between you and Billy we'll be happy for–”

“Nothing will happen.” Cutting her off, you sigh. “I just needed Liam's opinion on it. I was curious, that's all.”

“Look, the only problem I see with you getting into a relationship with Billy is his reputation.” Tanya starts, and Liam nods. They don't have much contact with Billy, but, like everyone who lives in Hawkins, they heard about him. “He's a bad boy, gets all the girls he wants, and throws them away when he's done. You're not into that kind of thing.”

“You're a hopeless romantic,” Liam adds.

“Exactly. So be careful.”

“I will.” You whisper, running a hand through your hair.

After another class, Tanya drives you to Hawkins High School where you attend this girl, Clarissa. A quick rain came and passed during the time you were with her in the classroom. But by the time you're done, the sun is trying to win over the thick, grey clouds taking over.

You're walking through the halls next to Clarissa, chatting. She's kind, and despite not being that good at Biology, you can see she's trying her best. “I'm way too nervous for this test. I need at least a C.”

“You'll do fine. I can make you a quiz if you want, to help you go over the topics again.” You offer as you move outside, the cold wind making you shiver.

“That would be amazing, thanks!” She cheers, giving you a quick hug before waving and heading to her car.

You go to the public phones since you need Tanya to pick you up. But after calling twice, you're almost giving up.

“Hey.” The sound makes you turn around, putting the phone back in place. Billy smiles, and you can't help but do the same.

“Hi.” You shyly say. “How have you been?” Talking to Billy is different now. You have ideas in your head, ideas you know you shouldn't have. “What are you doing here so late?”

“Basketball game.”

“Did your team win?”

“Of course.”

“That's great.” Taking the phone again, you try calling one more time. But she doesn't answer. “Shit.”

“Something wrong?”

“No, it's just–” Putting the phone back, you start walking, bracing yourself. “–Tanya was supposed to come for me but her telephone must be broken again.”

“Here,” Billy says, and when you look at him, you find the guy taking off his jacket.

“No, you don't have to–” He's already handing it over to you. “I'm alright, really.”

He doesn't say anything, and when it takes too long for you to move, Billy puts the jacket around your shoulders. You're immediately surrounded by warmth, and also his scent. It's familiar now, even though you don't spend too much time around him. But it makes you feel... Odd. In a good way.

“Thanks.” You whisper, stepping back and clearing your throat. “I gotta go now. Before the rain catches me.” With a little wave, you start walking again.

But Billy is quick to grab your arm, gently. “Do you really think I'll let you walk home with a storm coming?” As if to make his point clear, a distant thunder echoes.

“Billy...” You don't want to go with him. Being around Billy is dangerous, it brings out feelings you don't understand. Feelings you don't want to think about.

“(Y/N), C'mon. It's just a ride home.” The grip on your arm slips until he's holding your hand. It sends some kind of wave through your arm, like electricity.

You're moving before you notice, following him.

“Hey, Billy boy!” Someone shouts, and you give the guy a quick look before going for the passenger door. “Saturday at my place! It's gonna be wild, don't forget.”

“I won't.” He answers as you get inside, putting the seatbelt on. Billy is quick to settle down, turning the ignition. “Party on Saturday. Wanna come?”

“I can't. My group will come to my place to work on some papers.”

“Is it true or you just don't wanna go out with me?” Billy hits the street, and you struggle to deal with the anxiety. But it doesn't take much until you notice the... Normal speed. A lot different from last time.

“It's true.” You simply say, feeling yourself relaxing.

“So... Does that means you'd go out with me some other time?” Billy glances at you, and you feel your cheeks blushing.

You're supposed to say no immediately, make it clear this is just a ride home. That you're just... Friends. But why didn't the words come out? It would be so much easier... “Billy, you know we-”

“Mhmm, the age thing.” He cuts you off, a smirk in his voice. “Why don't you do the most simple thing?”

“Which is?”

“Ask if I care about it.” He's already staring when you look at him.

“Eyes on the road.” You warn him, and he smiles before complying. It's getting hard to deal with all this. Billy doesn't get out of your head, and you were hoping whatever this is, it would fade away. That time would help. But here you are again, with him, and all the walls separating between you are crumbling down... And you like it. You want to take them all down. But you are a thinker, and you're scared. None of the guys you were interested in before made you feel this way. But why now? Why Billy?

You just want to get home and stay the hell away from him and all the feelings he causes.

“Alright, Princess.” He sighs.

“Don't call me that.”

“Why not?”

“Well, do you?” You burst out, almost involuntary. Your heart and mind are at war, and both want to win.

Billy smiles, slowing down for the red light until he stops completely. Then, he looks at you, those blue eyes almost hypnotizing you. They're powerful... Or are you the one who's too weak?

“You're the only girl I ever met that I really want to know.” He says, voice low and deep, sending shivers down your spine. “So no. I don't give a damn about your age, Princess.”

You're frozen, still looking at him when someone blasts the horn, and you snap out, seeing that the light is green. “Some other time then... Maybe.” You whisper, clearing your throat and running a hand through your hair.

Your heart is beating fast, cheerful to know how he feels about it. But your mind... It tells you otherwise.

@aunicornmademedoit @alexa4040 @goth-cowgirl-03 @nyctophilic0vitnir @minispice-1

[gothic-thoughts]

Formal Introduction

(he's my father fr, so the first fic for him wont be nun freaky)

Aizawa Shouta x Black GN Reader Fluff

FatherAU, HighSchool!Reader(cuz UA duh), Kind of a Drabble

CW: starting a new school, reader has social anxiety, switched perspectives, breathing exercises(brief)

TW: Mini anxiety attack

A/n: (any and all Japanese is either written or confirmed by DeepL. And is also written in Romaji to pronounce)

"Oi. Look at me." I say, caressing their cheek, "You're acting like they're gonna eat you alive."

"Dad, you said that it's a tame class." They whisper aggressively, "They look the opposite of tame to me!"

 We take a second peek through the skinny window of the door to see my "tame" class of 20 kids doing everything from standing to talking, some even yelling. Denki, of course.

"Hm, sore wa honto da(that's true), but they'll quiet down when I walk in."

"Daaad"

"You'll be fine."

"What if my quirk's not cool enough?"

My eyebrows raise as my arms cross, "And who cares?"

They shrug, "Wakaranai(don't know). Sorry, I'm just worried. They've been here since the first day and I'm like 3 months late!"

"It's not, besides you're my kid. Who's gonna care how late you are or how cool your quirk is?"

They hit my shoulder making us both chuckle a little at my words.

"Remember to--"

"Yes Aizawa sensei. Only call you 'dad' if absolutely necessary."

"You're gonna make it." I smiled, "You're gonna have to or your mother will kill me."

 I opened the door, leading them inside as my class's loud talking turned to murmurs before they disperse, quickly and quietly running back to their assigned seats.

"Ohayougozaimasu(good morning)."

They all bow slightly, "Aizawa sensei, ohayougozaimasu!"

"As you can see, we have a new student joining us today." I look over at them, "Douzo(go ahead)."

(Y/n) plays with their bangs for a little before taking a deep breath.

"Um, I'm (Y/n) and..." They stammer, "...and um I can...."

They visibly freeze, causing a few of the kids to mumble amongst themselves. Come on, you got it. What happened? My angel looked back at me and I tense upon seeing the fiery traces of scarlet in their eyes spread out to overtake their entire iris was red. Their quirk was a combination of mine and their mother who could see 20 feet through anything.

(Y/n)'s quirk being active means I couldn't activate mine and neither could anybody in a 20 foot radius behind the board. I know they're not the best with public speaking but they haven't been this nervous since elementary. I guess I could just point to the back of the room to get them to look away from me, but they have to learn how to control their powers somehow. I look at the class, clearing my throat.

“Karerano onamaewa (Y/n)(Their name is [Y/n]).” I say, leaning back in my chair, “Watashino kodomo desu(My child)."

 (Y/n) sighs in relief as their red eyes reduce back to the natural shimmer in the black of their eyes. I sigh, closing my eyes while the class gasps.

"Your child!?"

"You have a kid?!" Ashido yelled.

"How did they survive!?" Kaminari yelled.

"You never told us you had a whole kid, Aizawa sensei" Sero chimed in, "Much less one our age!"

"She's so pretty!" Ururaka gasped.

I sigh, “Is it too late to enroll you somewhere else?”

(Y/n) laughed into their palm, “You won’t be able to watch me.” 

“Fair enough.” I facepalm. “Oi, ochitsuite(calm down)! Just because they're my child, doesn’t mean treat them different that anyone else in the hero course. I'm giving you all 5 minutes to get to know them a little before we start."

"Can we see their quirk?!" Kirishima asked.

"What is her quirk?!" Midoriya asked.

"Idiot." Bakugou said, "It's obviously something with her eyes!"

“You can all ask her within the 5 minutes.” I sigh, rolling my eyes, “Dozo(go ahead).”

 (Y/n) walks closer to them and I watch as the class welcomes them in with open arms and plenty of questions, mostly ones about me and our home lives. I scan the room, noticing almost everyone was crowded except Bakugou, who was avoiding eye contact completely. I sigh wistfully watching as (Y/n) is overloaded with everybody's names to the point of pointing at them and saying them out loud.

"Alright, alright that's enough." I yawn out, "Give her some breathing room. Kore gara hajimeruzo(we're going to start now); (Y/n), you can sit next to me until we get you a seat."

"Okay." 

 They jog to the available seat next to my desk. That's better, there's that smile. Just needed a little push. I quickly discard my smile and stand from my desk, waiting for them all to sit down so I can start my lesson.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Let's run it back

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Formally Introduced

"As you can see, we have a new student joining us today." Dad looks over at me, "Douzo(go ahead)."

I play with my bangs for a couple seconds before taking a deep breath to end the dreadfully awkward silence in the room. I try to speak after that but it was nothing but another breath.

"Um, I'm (Y/n) and..." I stupidly stutter out, "...and um I can...."

I can't. There's so many people. Dammit. I freeze, causing a few of the kids to mumble amongst themselves. Desperate, I look back at my dad and when he tenses up, my heart rate skyrockets. His breathing becomes slightly louder as he tries to get me to copy it's slow speed when his eyes leave mine, looking at his class with a gentle "ahem".

“Karerano onamaewa (Y/n)(Their name is [Y/n]).” He says, leaning back, “Watashino kodomo desu(My child)."

I sigh in relief as my heart rate began to settle, closing my eyes before they fly open at the loud and sudden collective gasp from my new classmates.

"Your child!?"

(A/n): this is kind of an OC too cuz of the quirk i've been thinking of

[justmeinabigolworld]

You guys remember Schoolhouse Rock? That stuff came out before my time, but I watched it in school, especially in third grade, since my third grade teacher had it on DVD and loved to show it to us whenever there was free time. One song that really stuck in my mind was "$7.50 Once A Week", which was about a boy who gets 7.50 a week for his allowance and has to balance his budget. This always made me a little jealous, because back then, I only got five dollars a week (technically for completing the chores listed on my weekly "chore chart", but eventually I stopped actually doing most of the chores, and so the 5 was basically just allowance).

Not too long after that, in fourth grade or so, my dad put his foot down and decided to stop giving me and my cousin 5 a week, since we weren't doing our chores. Now, it wasn't like I bought stuff regularly anyway, since I never really went anywhere without a parent -- there was nowhere to walk to in the boring suburbs (not that my parents would let me walk anywhere without supervision), and it was frequently too hot to go outside anyway, so if I wanted to go anywhere, I had to be driven there by a parent. In those days, I couldn't split up with my parents at the mall or anything, so really, I didn't have much of a chance to buy stuff for myself. I had to ask my parents for everything. But even though I wasn't exactly a shopper, I was still upset at not getting an allowance anymore. It did help that my great-uncle started sending me checks every Christmas (with another one attached for my birthday, which came four days after). Come to think of it, though, I don't really remember actually using that money until high school. I think I just forgot about it, and my parents didn't remind me...

I know I shouldn't blame them for anything, but I've been doing some thinking about that "7.50 Once A Week" song, as well as a bit of internet research. The song came out in 1992. Using an inflation calculator, I found out that that lucky boy was getting almost $17 in today's money every week! That's huge for an allowance, right? Now, as for me, it was around 2014 when I stopped getting my allowance. Five dollars then is about $6.64 today.

Also, the boy's allowance can be supplemented with money he gets from doing chores and helping around the house, as he notes in the video. He can get more than his weekly allowance! Damn, that boy is rolling in dough.

When I heard (around seventh grade or so) that other kids my age were getting paid for their good grades, I was confused, and I brought it up to my dad. He said, "We don't pay for good grades, we expect them."

That does track. I did well in elementary school, but since we didn't use traditional letter grades there, I'm not sure exactly how well I did. In middle school, however, I got all As every single quarter all three years, and I was taking advanced classes. When my grade in one class briefly dipped to a B in sixth grade, my mom said she wasn't mad or disappointed or anything, but she wouldn't stop bringing it up, and she kept questioning me about the details of the assignment that lowered my grade down to a B. I think it was actually one of those things where the students would grade each others' things, which was weird, as I remember it being an essay, something that's much too subjective for eleven-year-olds to grade for each other...

It's not that my parents didn't have money. I mean, the only time I was ever outright told we couldn't afford something was one year when we didn't do our customary watching-The-Nutcracker-Ballet thing. But we lived (and still live) in a nice house out in the suburbs, with two cars and a dog, and that was on my dad's income alone! My dad even called us "upper class" once when he was talking about how I didn't know how good I had it, although I doubt that. Even so, money has always made me really nervous, and in the past, my dad has used that fear to guilt me out of asking for things. For example, one summer, I was going to do a three-week teen Shakespeare program, but then my dad told me how much money it'd be at the dinner table, like, "Are you sure you want this?" and of course I said I didn't want to do it anymore. No mention of how good we had it then!

(I wound up doing the teen Shakespeare thing the next two summers, and it was amazing.)

Another time, more recently, my phone broke and I was trying to decide which one to replace it with. I was shown two phones in particular. I liked one better than the other, and I kept remarking about how nice it was, to which my dad kept responding, "It'd better be!", and when I said that it was the phone I wanted, my dad pointed to the price (he wanted me to get the somewhat cheaper one). I panicked a little and changed my mind, saying that I wanted the other one. Then, however, my parents changed their minds, saying that I should get the first one after all, and when I kept saying the second one was fine, they acted like I was just being weird. I wound up getting the first one, but the whole scenario left a bitter taste in my mouth.

What am I even getting at here? I just started ranting...

I guess my takeaways are that:

My parents (or at least my dad) weren't too keen on giving me and my cousin money when we were kids

Some things I thought were normal were actually the result of having strict parents (god, it's still feels weird to call them strict; surely truly strict parents would be much worse, right?)

That kid from "7.50 Once A Week" is loaded by today's standards

Ugh, I feel bad writing all this about my parents without the full context of all the nice things they've done for me and how great they usually are. I feel like I'm slandering them for things that don't really matter and shouldn't have ever made me upset...

Where am I even going with this? I'm gonna stop now

[kafus]

ok i am gonna share that nightmare i had yesterday actually. tw for a variety of topics including cults, attempted murder of a young child, kind of barely an age gap relationship between a younger child and a teenager, gun violence, listen it was crazy i have no idea what my sleeping brain was cooking. i should not have to say this about a nightmare i had while unconscious but to be clear i don't ENDORSE any of these topics IRL or some bullshit like that

also this nightmare involved pokemon horizons characters for some reason so if you watch the pokemon anime and don't want to hear about hypothetical nightmare scenarios of very AU things happening to them i would also avoid

so i'm setting the stage here. as far as i can tell i was just normal me in this dream (notable because i am usually Not "just me" in my dreams) but i was a teenager again instead of a 24 year old. i was living in a large multi-story house with the main cast of pokemon horizons (everyone on the brave asagi), and like a few other people not from horizons but they don't really matter. the dream timeskipped through a lot of years of me living there, like i had been there for a while.

despite me saying the cast of horizons was there my brain was very pick and choosey with what actual character traits or recognizable features remained of these characters other than their names/general appearances. importantly liko was a good bit younger than her anime appearance, not sure of her exact age but like, elementary school. she was Extremely chronically ill with some sort of undefined illness my brain made up, i guess. she lived in the basement of the house and was totally bedridden Most of the time, as to survive she had to constantly be hooked up to a somewhat bulky machine. she could be off of it for very brief periods but to get around anywhere, that machine had to come with her. she was generally way more timid and also way more woozy and relied on everyone for care.

^ like imagine her but even smaller and very sickly constantly. if you have never watched pokemon horizons lol

^ the main other person i interacted with was amethio who was probably the most recognizable - similar personality, though it was probably what i'd imagine him to be like after a hypothetical redemption arc, still irritable and brooding but like, he has a soft side. me and him were around the same age here (14?) and we were the main two watching after liko. he was like?? in love with liko??? my brain really never acknowledged the age gap here it was just normal and no one thought anything of it. that being said that's not something he expressed directly to her and they weren't in a relationship

anyway so the major thing here is that this household was pretty much a small cult. isolated from the outside world, general actual cult shit, but also we had some sort of belief we were all indoctrinated into by the higher up adults that liko had to Die at a specific time and date, i don't remember if it was for sacrificial reasons or if a reason was even provided in the dream at all, but tldr me and amethio were expected to unplug her life support stuff without her knowing and let her die with the assumption that she would be too woozy or confused to do anything about it herself. after a lot of implied bonding with her i was expected to pretty much murder a child. suffice to say this was horrifying

we actually did the deed and like halfway through watching liko's energy fade i started thinking like. wait. why am i doing this. i know that liko is supposed to die, but is she really? am i really doing the right thing? watching her die is awful. i've cared for her so much for years and i don't want her to die. so in the middle of all of this i take amethio aside (he was off in another room because he didn't want to watch liko suffer, i was taking the role of making sure it happened) and i'm like. amethio why are we doing this. you love her right. you love liko so you don't want her to die. i don't want to kill her. and he's like. Fuck you're right this is insane i don't care about the past however many years i cannot let liko die. so we agree to plug her life support stuff back in and confront the rest of the house

after ensuring liko was hooked back up and starting to recover, i made my way upstairs to confront the adults in the house while amethio worked on getting her out of there safely, and like. holy shit.

NEVER THOUGHT I'D HAVE ANY SORT OF DREAM/NIGHTMARE WHERE FRIEDE FROM POKEMON HORIZONS TRIES TO LITERALLY KILL ME, but i GUESS this is the life i'm leading now. i was like dude why are we killing liko you can't just make me kill a child i'm sorry and his positive demeanor quickly turned sour and the rest of the dream devolved into a blur of confusing violence, one because i was being chased after multiple fully grown adults in the body of a teenager, both by violent pokemon and like, literal guns, i was being shot at, and also because from here on out the dream started heavily deteriorating, like it became more weird and less linear and stuff that didn't make sense was happening. i never knew what ended up happening to amethio and liko because in a particularly close bout of violence i suddenly woke up sweating/shaking/heart pounding. and then after i caught my breath and realized i was awake i was just like. HELLO???????? WHAT THE FUCK?????

idk the last time i had a dream this vivid much less one this off the walls. i keep thinking about it cause like, due to Reasons if i'm dreaming about liko, especially as someone in such a vulnerable and awful position, that probably means something/pertains to my personal real life trauma, like the general aura of this dream read as a ptsd nightmare to me, but fuck if i'm gonna be able to parse all that today i have no idea what the fuck any of this means. i'm just losing my shit. especially because i went back to sleep afterwards and had another dream about pokemon horizons characters but it was literally just cute shit where i was liko and in a relationship with dot high school AU style and we were hanging out after class. like the complete tonal whiplash is so fucking funny. why on earth did my brain make the most wildly contrasting pokemon fanfictions of all time while i was asleep. helpppp

[tepli-mravenci]

I just had an epiphany about the Barbie movie and I need to share it

So I watched Barbie like a week ago with my friend and I liked it, don't get me wrong, but it wasn't really life changing to me, it didn't really feel like I was the target audience despite having been raised as a girl and partially still identifying as a woman.

It never crossed my mind that I should change for a man, that I should serve a man or that I should tie my worth to a man, I never had to overcome that because I never really...cared about those things. I'm a lesbian and even as a kid, even as a teen I didn't think having a boyfriend was an inherently good thing, if anything I viewed it as a nuisance because my friends would mostly just complain about their partners.

I walked out of the theater thinking it was a really nice movie and feeling glad that it made a lot of people reflect on themselves and our society. I felt glad for others, because I didn't really feel targeted by any of the themes the movie was presenting.

That was until I thought about it at home and realized something. The friend I watched it with was a very femme cishet girl, she was very much the target audience of this movie. She listens to Melanie Martinez, she has a history of toxic boyfriends, all that jazz.

I remembered that during the montage of reminding the Barbies who they are, she said, out of nowhere "Oh, I hope they find the Weird Barbie doll and fix her too, that would be so nice." and I was so flabbergasted by that and I had so much to say to her about that that I just shushed her instead of saying anything and ended up forgetting about it by the end of the movie.

So when I recalled that, I also recalled that it was really hurtful, in that moment, to hear it from her and I couldn't place why.

I understood that she didn't mean it in a bad way at all. I understood that she saw the damage on Weird Barbie as traces of abuse, the sequence with the girl doing it was very violent and I understand she would've interpreted that as a traumatic event. I understood how she would view Weird Barbie getting restored as her healing from that trauma, becoming again who she was before it happened. But I... didn't really see it that way.

You see, I was in the "popular" girls group when I started elementary school, I gossiped with them, I laughed with them, I had a pool, that was all it took to be a cool kid when you were 7. But eventually it wasn't enough. They changed their style and priorities and suddenly they didn't care about Monster High and Winx anymore, they cared about boys and make-up. I was called immature and childish for still playing with toys when I was 11-12...by 12yo girls. I dressed in a very colorful expressive way, that was called weird. I was advised, by my classmates (only girls), to try dressing "normal" and try wearing a little mascara when I was 13.

The thing is, I didn't feel like the weird one, because from my point of view they were the ones who changed and were being weird now. I didn't like how they dressed and how they acted and how they presented themselves so I rejected that and continued expressing myself the way I wanted. So I was pushed away, I was silently dismissed. I was called weird behind my back and to my face. I was mocked for being myself. I was advised again and again to just try and fit in. But I didn't want to because I understood, even at that age, that it wouldn't make me happy to fit in with these people.

In high school I doubled down in the opposite direction and went full goth, which still made me stand out, but I understood that the people who would stick with me even tho I didn't look like them, were the ones worth being around. I literally wore smudged black eyeliner and black lipstick and goth casual to the Barbie movie.

So I realized, that my representation in the movie was Weird Barbie. And if she did get "fixed" I would genuinely be upset and it would also go against the message of the movie I feel. Even tho she was shunned from her community she remained kind, she was more understanding than any other Barbie, she was herself unapologetically. Yes, her looks were the result of her getting damaged by her girl but she embraced it, she expressed herself through it, she was the coolest Barbie in Barbieland.

Because she was like me.

[storybounded]

15 Questions For The Writer

1. Are you named after anyone? Off of tumblr, my family named me after a character from the soap opera, 'D.ays of our Lives'.

2. When was the last time you cried? Mmmm. Christmas eve? Not going to divulge in that though haha. Just out of frustration.

3. Do you have kids? No.

4. Do you use sarcasm a lot? Oh yes, though I try not to use it against people who I don't know or who aren't keen with it. But if I hear someone use sarcasm, I'll do it right back.

5. What’s the first thing you notice about people? Mainly what clothes they are wearing. Or if they have a cute bag. Or listening to them react to their environment, whether it's positive or negative.

I can't look into faces of strangers I don't know. I know in interviews with a stranger for a job, it's a lot different, but I still have to force myself to give eye contact. Otherwise, it makes me physically uncomfortable if I don't know a person. So my eyes are usually drawn by colors of apparel first, or the sounds going on around me.

6. What’s your eye colour? Hazel Green

7. Scary movies or happy endings? Happy endings rn. I cannot physically stomach scary movies (or even shows with 'everyday' scary themes currently, but I know I will get back to those eventually).

But I was ruined with scary movies in 4th /5th grade when one of my old friends forced me to watch em'. I never recovered and C.huckie still is the stuff of nightmares to me, I cannot look at a baby doll the same way again 😂

8. Any special talents? ...falling up the steps rather than falling down. I swear, the amount of times I do it. Even my dog does it from time to time ( though she is very fine, she just slips on one step up but never falls completely.)

9. Where were you born? USA, Georgia.

11. Have you any pets? I am on my second pupper! First one passed of old age after high school, and I got the second a year and a half later and she is still going strong 😊

12. What sport do you play/have played? Oh my god. I am a limp noodle when it comes to sports and I don't play anything currently. I would be 'THAT kid who would be the last one to be chosen' type of bad LMAO

When I was little, my parents tried to force me to do sports, which is probably why I hated them for so long (though I have grown to appreciate them a decade ago and will not say no to trying out new things).

I know I did gymnastics in like...early elementary school years...I have a few plastic participation trophies from them l m a o. But I honestly cannot remember anything about it but the big foam cube pool. Ballet, but that did not last long at all despite also having two or three participation trophies. Little me HATED it. I felt so embarrassed wearing those frilly tutus during recitals... I was not that kind of little girl. It even came up during Christmas recently, and my grandpa admitted to me that I NEVER looked like I was having fun during those show recitals, I always had this look of ' 'I have no clue what I am doing' and 'why am I here' while my mom and grandma always raved about how cute I look in that heavy makeup lmao. Because apparently I never looked out to the crowd, I always watched what the other kids were doing and tried to keep up. 😂 I think I must've been like. 5 at the time.

I think?? I did one lesson with horse riding, but even though I enjoyed it, I was never taken back to it. But I was so little and I realize now that costs are expensive l m a o.

I think I went to tennis practice two times in elementary and was done. They tried to put me in cheerleading classes, which was laughable, I did one class and said no. Karate...was more interesting in middle school since it was the first time I chose it, but I was frustrated that I could never remember what to do during performances and my parents were never supportive anyway since they wanted me to be in the "girly girl" sports.

All in all, all the personal sports memories I have are rather negative, which was unfortunate.

13. How tall are you? 5 foot 3 inches. s m o l l.

14. Favourite subject in school? Other than art, I loved when the football coaches in high school taught history because they made it fun.

15. Dream job? I would absolutely love to do something with my art. Currently, taking baby steps to make them feel achievable. Current SMALL dream is to open up an etsy to run on side while working a job. I got a heat press to make shirts, and I got a cricut to make all sorts of others things.

tagging: YOU tagged by: @yukikorogashi (thank you friendo!)

[disneyanddisneyships]

@gyubby99 here's my trauma recap

May be triggering so.....

Once upon a time~

My parents divorced when I was 3.

So I ssit h houses a lot which is really taxing because you have two homes but your parents wants you to consider their house your real home.

Anyways, along the time in there my aunt stays with me, my mom, and my sister for a bit. She's off her mess so she trips, falls and cracks her head open in the bathroom while 3 year old me is staring at the blood. (I don't remember this tho. Hence the thing I said abt forgetting trauma because it was too traumatic)

Don't remember anything until I'm in elementary school.

So at 8 years old I got made fun of and bullied a lot.

It's when my depression kicked in.

Got made fun of for my eyebrows, my curly hair, my laugh, and my weight.

Then my older sister moves out and never really talks to me again.

At the elementary school I'm at, my then best friend starts to constantly Dutch and abandon abandon for this other girl.

I begged my mom to move schools.

Then I finally moved elementary schools.

Everything was so great at the new one..... I made friends.... one by the name of Christian.....

I had two best friends, and a crush on this guy who was also a teachers kid like me.

One day, my two best friends don't wanna play what I want, but I already had social anxiety at the age of 9 so I didn't wanna fo anything new. They were fine with that so I turned around to get the stuff we usually do, I turn back and they ditched me... instant flashbacks to the other school.

We're friends again yadda yadda.

Elementary school ends.... I go to middle school....

One of the best friends in as talking about has a twin sister...

Her twin sister hated me for some unknown reason.... all she did was be mean to me.... my teachers were awful (except for my art teacher)... then my best friend and her sister moved to a different school....

I made new friends.. and oh hey, my old friend Chris is there. He does the weird "Yes, No, maybe" thing to qn eraser and asks it if we'd ever be in a relationship. Lmao. It said yes.

The year passes. Chris moved schools.

I had friends that were bad for my mental health. I started self harming.

But it's okay because I had 4 amazing best friends and a few other good friends.

This is when I get my first boyfriend.

He was okay.... I guess... I had art class with him and at the 8th grade dance he said he liked me and asked me to be his girlfriend. I said yes.

But over the summer he ghosted me and my mom had to tell me to give up....

Freshman year of high school.

My dad gets a girlfriend and we all go up to see my grandparents in which my grandma and my dad's girlfriend were teasing me for having a fictional crush. It made me angry

I text the group chat with 3 of my best friends because I need a stress reliever.

My best friend just says "no" to the meme. Doesn't read it, doesn't care.

I blow up because I'm sick of disrespect. "I look at every single meme you guys send. I'm sick of you," is what I said.

My best friend blocks me.

I text my other friends trying to get her to unblock me so I can apologize. She unblocks me, I apologize. She doesn't accept it, calls me selfish and says "and you've lost 2 friends because this person doesn't like you either". I confront the other friend and she calls me manipulative, so I block her.

Me and the other friend didn't stay good friends for long (but they're cool now. We're in the same chour class. They have a Tumblr that I follow)

Um.... then I get closer with other people. Specifically my now former friends.... and.... my other friends ex....

I got so desperate to be loved that me and him started dating.

It was a secret and I didn't tell my mom....

Until she found out by looking at the bill of my phone....

Then she found out I had been self harming.... that was.. traumatic all on its own.

Anyways. Covid hit, and.. he moved schools for sophomore year..... over text we sexted a lot.... I was... desperate for some form of love....

But when I tried with boundaries... it.... I felt bad because when I said I didn't want to, I thought he'd hate me.. I thought hed leave me.....

I didn't even know what was happening was considered assault at the time...

The thing that really stuck with me was when he took his (small) dick out and brought my hand to it. I pulled away but he just grabbed my hand again and made me touch him....

Anyways um....

Later on he starts ghosting me.... a lot..... then one day after not hearing from him for 2 weeks he questions our relationship...

We breakup after 2 years... and we break up right before i go to Disneyland with my family.

He wanted to still be friends but I said i needed time.

I have a breakdown in the hotel at Disney.

And after about a week he texts me and asks if we can still be friends, I say no.

He starts trying to manipulate me. Calls me a bitch. I block him.

I get back from the vacation and I have two friends supporting me. Christian and my other unnamed friend.

I find out Chris likes me and had a crush on me in middle school...... he asks me out but I say no because I just got out of a negative relationship.. so I gave myself the entire summer to lull that over..

Then he asks me out again when senior year starts and I say yes.

He helps me realize that my ex assaulted me.... he also told the counselor by "accident" and I had to tell my parents....

Things go fine... but....

8 months later Chris starts to get flaky. He ghosts me for a while at a time (nowhere near the other guy though)

Until I find out that he told the counselor i was suicidal, and then he broke up with me.

And here we are.

[szycee]

AS TOLD BY HER FOOTPRINT

On a cold night in a sparkly season, an autonomous girl was born named Kristelle Joyce P. Tambio also known as Elle. I was born on December 24, 2004 in Pasuquin, Ilocos Norte. My mother’s name is Mylene Tambio, she is from Caloocan City and my father’s name is Albert Tambio, he is from Davao Del Sur. I have 4 siblings and I am the youngest daughter. Hannah Louisse Victoria is the eldest sister, Dustyne Philip the eldest brother, Raine Jewelle is the middle child and Albert Leanard is my youngest brother. I do not remember much of my early childhood,but according to my mom and dad I was a mischievous and bubbly kid.  I would do anything just to get what I want, a spoiled but not a brat. I had a happy yet traumatic childhood.

 I started school when I was five years old. I took my elementary education at Cababaan Elementary School from grade 1 to 3. In 2014, I transferred to another school because my family decided to start a new life in the city. I continued studying in Camarin Elementary School and enjoyed my journey as a transferee student until I graduated. At the age of 14, I was passionate about dancing and writing. My grade 7 teacher helped me to enhance my skills and I also discovered that I am capable of being a leader in our class. But unfortunately, my enthusiasm was gone.

They said challenges and difficulties are a necessary part of our life. I’ve been through a lot. I got bullied for being the top 1 in our class, but at a very young age, I promised to myself to be fearless and resilient. That's why I overcame those struggles and life must go on. 

Years passed, I graduated from JHS and I had to face a new journey - life during and after the pandemic. I once was lost because of the things I never expected would happen to me one day and that is to experience depression. Melancholy, misery, hatred, regrets, nightmare and sorrow; the feelings that I don't want to feel again. After all the pain, suffering and heartbreak, I gave up. One event that influenced who I am today is, I gave up believing that my life is miserable. I take the plunge - best decision I have made. I encouraged myself to remember who I once was—a cheerful, soft-hearted person.I finally accepted myself. After all the hardships, it taught me to be independent. To be the best version of myself no matter what happens. To know what I am capable of. That you have to stand up because that’s how life is.  

After the pandemic, life had changed. It’s not easy to meet new people because of the life that I have experienced. Eventually, I found this circle that gave me comfort. A friendship that surely will last.  One of the most memorable days of my life was when I unexpectedly met this fascinating man. He became my boyfriend. He's the reason why I am not afraid to love, explore and enjoy the things that the world can offer. Despite the struggles in life, I always choose to survive. 

One phrase that I’ll never forget is “Never let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game”. I firmly believe that being fearless will make you stronger. So, this is how my story ends. I've done well and bad; I've erred and been egotistical. I'm not the ideal woman that I set out to be. I might not ever be that person. In my own life, I'm fearless and that's how I've always been. That then sums up who I am.

[gay-kurapika]

Anyway I had a really good conversation with a new coworker (not the homophobic one, she's the one who is my age and who I thought was really hot the first time I met her). She and I have a lot in common. I want to be friends with her, I think. We talked about a lot of stuff, but like she hates cops, which is like the moment I figured out how much we have in common I think. Like she literally said "(our cities) cops don't even fucking do anything. Remember last year when there was a bomb threat at (elementary school in my hometown) they didn't even go in." And then like, we talked about how she's vaped in her car and been scared cops are going to pull her over for a trumped up Marijuana charge because she's not white. And I told her about how Jayne had abused me and the cops arrested me not her, even though she had been suicide baiting me, she had physically attacked me, and she was really drunk and had been yelling so loudly that people in the building across from me could hear her and one of them came over to tell her to quiet down. I told my coworker that I just couldn't trust "law enforcement" when it's clearly not for people like us, it's for whoever is already in power. I think I sounded like maybe a little crazy but she was on the same page, she like Got It. I also think she was kind of testing me, like she needed to know if I'm the white bitch who loves cops lol, and I'm glad she let me dispel that idea. Like I do not blame her for being careful, I wouldn't have had this conversation with anyone else either, but I'm glad I'm like not giving off the vibe that I'm unsafe to be around, if that makes sense. I'm not giving off bootlicker vibes lol. And we talked about other stuff too. She found a round-about way of asking me my pronouns, like she said "I was worried I had hurt your feelings the other day when I called you dude and man, I said it without thinking about it because I talk kind of valley girl" and then she said, "please let me know if im calling you by the wrong pronouns or anything" and to be honest I was like. Flattered? That she was being so considerate? That my pronouns are even something she had thought about. Because like, literally only one person in my real life calls me Andi and uses they/them pronouns. I expect nothing and I get nothing, I'm almost completely closeted. I thought it was really nice that she even cared that that could have been hurtful to me. That says a lot about who she is as a person and what she values. I did tell her that I use they them among friends but not at work and she was really cool about it.

[alexvalder]

i read your answer in shinras ask (my ask) and wanted to apologise cause I kinda agree with you now. it's always convenient for people like me who live in a country which isn't yet directly involved. there's kinda this mentality here that 'even if russia attacks there are so many countries as buffer zones' or a coworker who once said 'we have the perfect location cause to hurt us (our country) they'll use nuclear weapons and that at least means a quick death, not like ukraine has to go through' -which is a sick way of thinking.

there's so much happening right now with the second year mark, the middle east conflict in multiple areas. and all the intertwining which happens or will happens with the us election, whoever china will support etc.

feels like the whole world gets more fascist with all the little right wingers gaining support in european countries. netherlands with their own trump, germanys afd.

don't exactly know what's going on in argentina but also nothing good.

The ask in question.

I'm no historian myself, but what I know from school history... Both World Wars were very different. There was that incident, when two battling armies had a shared Christmas together in WW1. You can't imagine that in WW2. You can't imagine this in any conflict that's going on now as well.

It's been more than a century since WW1 and 80 years since WW2, there are not even many people alive who remember WW2, not even talking about WW1. Heck, most of that old people were born during or after WW2 (like my grandparents), they can't remember it. I think I only saw one person who actually fought in it - a man in 90s who was in Red Army on Belarusian frontline. I don't remember his exact age and I don't know if he's still alive, but if my approximations are correct, he was a minor when WW2 started, and barely turned 18 when Nazi German attacked USSR. I don't think there's many people who had more experience and understanding of world situation at the time who are still alive.

And yet, despite how seemingly long time has passed since WW2, it's such a debatable topic still. Well, debatable in certain circles.

Long text incoming, it'll get related I promise:

You see, I was born in Eastern/Central Ukraine in Russian-speaking family. I didn't speak Ukrainian until elementary school, and even now the easiest language to do creative writing for me is Russian - the next one is English just because how much I read in it, and for the past two years I think I cleansed nearly everything from anything Russian from what I read, watch etc. online. I can't really do creative writing in Ukrainian, except for school assignments, and when I did some bigger project for a grade - I remember actually writing it in Russian and then translating. Why is it?

My great grandmother, my grandmother's on maternal line mother, was from a village, and she was Ukrainian 100%. She survived Holodomor and Nazi occupation (her mother put lots of bandages on her and told Nazis that she's sick with syphilis, and Nazis were too disgusted with this to check - that's why she wasn't deported to Germany for forced labor). And she married a NKVD officer, who, despite living in an Ukrainian city since childhood, was from Moscow, 100% Russian. My grandmother even now considers herself Russian, and was actually offended, when I said that I'm not one, that I'm Ukrainian. My grandmother's husband had a Ukrainian last name, but he himself was somewhere from Moscow too - and there are still his relatives not far from it there. I never met any of them, except one woman who visited us once. I don't know what's the story there. My mother... not sure what she considers herself, but she has master degree in Russian language and literature, and doesn't really speak Ukrainian well, but does understand it very well. My father also speaks Russian, as well as his side of the family, but I know they have roots in nothern Ukraine, so not Russian too. He's a huge vatnik though, and actually moved to Russia with his second wife and a little son... Meanwhile I started to realize, that despite sharing a common native language, having some cultural connections (like those goddamn Soviet cartoons that I was shown as a kid) etc., I don't have much in common with Russia and Russians. They're foreign people to me, there's some big gap in mentality and worldview, maybe because I don't consider myself a part of titular imperial nation, and they do.

I told this to describe, that I grew up with very rusified environment, and I, as well as my family, were the target of Russian propaganda and psy-op campaign in Ukraine. And, when I was growing up, we even had Russian TV programs imported to local TV stations, so I watched them. And I also, naively, didn't really understand everything about the world and was reading stuff in Russian online. And was too trustful to it. And believed my grandmother, who has a huge Soviet nostalgia. I know better now.

There was and still is, some fascination with Nazis in Russia. How many times I heard, in different variations, narrative that "Actually, Nazis weren't that bad". Anon, do you know about how Russia differentiated between WW2 and "Great Patriotic War"? The latter is just Eastern front of WW2, that conveniently cuts out everything where USSR was a bad guy (invasion of Finland and Poland, for example). Every country, when talking about its role in WW2, will focus on what affected it the most, but I don't know any other country that separated WW2 in different wars for this. USSR wanted to wash its hands, and to build a narrative how it was a sole fighter who defeated fascism. Russia went even further, and now Allies like Britain and America are also enemies in stories about WW2. Now it's USSR Russia against the whole world. Very convenient for modern political situation, isn't it? Russia now is in some kind of WW2 Nazi-fighting hysteria - starting with "denazification" of Ukraine, just bringing up nazis all the time, and then repeating steps Nazi Germany itself did decades ago. And having that piece of shit "Shaman" singer who's basically cosplaying a nazi, but without swastika. He has Z, which basically serves the same purpose in Russia now as already mentioned symbol in Germany in 30s. They're planning on allowing women with children to marry already deceased Russian occupiers - which is reminiscent of a similar law from NG. "We're Russian, Gott mit uns God's with us" is also a common saying, was even before the invasion. They even have similar reasonings for invasion - and I can fucking tell, no one threatened my life or well-being for speaking Russian. But Russia did! :) It ruined the language and everything associated with it for me, but it looks like I can't really abandon its usage (my family didn't switch to Ukrainian, and I hate that I have that comforting feeling when I can finally talk in Russian after long period of talking in other languages... maybe if more people spoke just Ukrainian, war wouldn't have happened? I have so much fucking guilt over this, thanks to Russia).

Russia was cooperating with Iran for a while already, not sure what they paid with, but they were using Iranian-made kamikadze drones, Shahed, to target Ukraine - including civilian infrastructure. I just recently read about Russia using missiles made in North Korea to bomb us. I think, in general, if we look at who's friends with who, we can see who are Russia's allies now (which includes South Africa, for example). I don't really blame African countries for siding with Russia or China - while they're all evil to me, they did hurt African nations like USA and Europe did. They're just choosing evil that didn't hurt them. So, I'd expect an understanding why Ukraine is seeking alliance with America and Europe against Russia, even if someone hates USA and Europe.

I do think that WW3 is already ongoing, and it's way more similar to WW2 than WW1. WW2 didn't just start overnight with many countries, it started small-scale and then spread over Europe and other continents. People didn't wake up one day with "World War has started" before their eyes, it was cooking up for a while until it logically resulted in a bloodshed. While Russo-Ukrainian war is ongoing for nearly 10 years (holy shit), full-scale invasion happened 2 years ago. Would 24.02.2022 be the start of WW3? (Next day after Feb 23, aka Men's Day/Defender's Day/Soviet Army day in Russia) Or would it be Oct 7, when seemingly a new horrible shit started with new force in Middle East? (btw, Taliban and HAMAS representatives were both invited to and visited Moscow at some point). I don't really know, I guess we could really be certain only after it's over (I hope it'll be soon). Deceased people won't be back, however. And there's more worrying things in other parts of the world, as you said, something not right in Argentina (though this one is on America's side seemingly, similarly to Israel), and global rise of fascist politicians. I hope it won't get worse there too, we have enough battlefiels already. (And it also will distract attention from Ukraine, which I don't want to happen). We're living in "history", and it's not fun for anyone.

Regarding China, imho it is playing smart and while it doesn't openly allies with Russia, it seeks to benefit from the situation first and foremost, and it's also against America. Not an ally to us in any case. I remember spring 2022, when Chinese accounts even on here were posting about how Bucha is faked and how good Russian soldiers are. Could be Russian psy-op, though, they are quite good at that, which makes me paranoid about nearly everything.

[hi-i-vent-here]

Today we will talk about me and school. Tw: self harm. Tw: Vent and abuse.

I hated school, I could do the subjects at the time but no one knew how to actually teach me. I could do the exams and get enough to pass, but it was hell.

One of my happiest memories is me skipping class to go to my abuser's house when he wasn't there, eating popcorn and watching south park, and coming back to my house while it was raining. I would do anything to not be in school, but funny enough I was known for being smart (and also insane). Yes, some part of me takes pride in that even if I dropped out.

I was known for being unstable because of how I spoke, for being short tempered, physically fighting my peers, and for self-harming.

Some weird part of me also takes pride in physically fighting my peers at a young age, because in my ill head this is a good thing and I was protecting myself (they were kids like I was), but I consciously know it wasn't a good thing that I was beating other kids until they cried, still. (A very odd episode that I clearly remember was me threatening a girl with a razor because she said something about my hair. I was 12)

About how I spoke, I sometimes say things that don't connect, so I might sound like I'm saying gibberish but in my head they make sense, sometimes it was funny, sometimes it wasn't.

My short temper was difficult, I would constantly fight people, it didn't matter if they were teachers, I would throw things, fight and get mad at them for no reason.

My mother would have to go to school because of the fights I would get into. But this was when I was like 8 years old, when I got older she didn't cared that much anymore. She would only get called in my school if I was self-harming in class or skipping too much, and the "warnings" that I got, I would just sign her name. /my abuser found that out and it was fucking hell, like it always was with him./

I was really into theater and ballet as a child, but I abandoned it.

I grew isolated of almost all my peers, for obvious reasons. I wasn't bullied, like BULLIED, I knew how to fight back, I was just isolated from everyone. It's funny how relatives told me that I was so happy and talkative as a child but I grew quiet and isolated, I wonder what happended...

This is elementary/middle school, highschool was a whole different can of worms.

I already mentioned it but I didn't mentioned how my abuser would put so much pressure, so much pressure, I was having panic attacks thinking about the future (15 years old) I had an awful mental breakdown in front of him because I couldn't hold it until I was alone. HE would do this to me, he would constantly mess with my head and when I had breakdowns he would pretend like he didn't mean it or he didn't said nothing. ( I remember a specific case of one of his girlfriends seeing me having an crisis while they fought and saying "Do you want me to end up like THAT? Do you think this is normal? Look what you did to your child!". I believed I was going to die, I even said goodbye to people and said that I loved them in case something happended to me. I was 15 years old, I was 15, I was 15. This wasn't even close to the worst things he did.)

The time I dropped out, was almost the same time I cut ties with him at 16(which also I have a lot to unpack about this). He manipulated me into going to that school, he knew I couldn't do it, everyone knew. I stopped going slowly and I became homeschooled/would study at the library. I studied my HEART out, I studied sooooo hard sooo sooo fucking hard, like I had never studied before, and no one was forcing me to do so. I studied because I wanted, because I want to get my GED. At this time I even learned french, read books, studied, (learned chess to impress my mother) watched a billion of lessons used a billion of books from the library, then I burnt out. At the time I wanted to study abroad. I'm poor, that is impossible for people like me.

I stopped studying all togheter after march of this year. Btw all this time I was studying and I would tell my mother everything I studied and she didn't gave a fuck, she never gives a fuck. I was never enough. I left school because I wasn't learning, they didn't knew how to teach me. I taught myself but I always would be a disappointment. I'm simplifying things but I would be everyday fighting people in my house because I dropped out.

That's enough for today.

[chemicalarospec]

So. Death Note isn't my first anime because I read the manga, but Saiki K. isn't my first anime either, because long, long ago, I fully watched one two-season anime....

Angelic Layer

There isn't really going to be a main point to this post, just a lot of reminiscing.

TW: loss of mobility through disease/deteriorative disease (Parkinson's and multiple sclerosis), death of a grandparent

Aside: I also watched other animes before properly getting into J-media this year, here is the full list:

Pokemon - I watched when I was even younger, but people sometimes do not count it as a real anime. I watched all the way through the Indigo League episodes available on Netflix.

Glitter Force - I watched it around the same time as Angelic Layer, but I did not finish, plus I thought it was a Netflix fake-anime until I just now looked it up, so I do not count it as my first. Basically my entire understanding of Magical Girls tho. (fun fact: I stopped watching it and Winx Club because I saw their next episodes were body swaps)

Revolutionary Girl Utena - sometime between Angelic Layer and Yuri on Ice, never finished but I think I watched most of the first season... would like to finish.

Yuri on Ice - I had to pirate this off of Vimeo or Dailymotion when I decided I wanted to watch it in like, 2019, after seeing tumblr posts in my blog-stalking days, I think.

I was in elementary school when my younger brother came home with Plants vs Zombies comic book from the Scholastic Book Fair. I read it, and in the back, there were ads for other comics published by the same company. One of them was entitled Angelic Layer and the description & title instantly pulled me in. Fearful that I wouldn't be able to find the book, I looked it up online and discovered that this wasn't just a comic -- it was a show.

This was back in the days where you could watch anything on Youtube. I even had the choice between a dub version and a sub version (which I did not know the meaning of... I believe I figured it out and that "sub" stood for "subtitles", but not what "dub" stood for... don't recall which I chose, but I would expect subbed but at that age I could have gone dub). I actually tried a few years ago to rewatch it, but I could only find videos where the show was tiny in the corner of the video. I actually would like to see it again, so I guess I'll either have to find more legal or more illegal ways.

Anyways, if you don't know, this is a fun battle anime with the main character, whose name I remember as M. Misokichi but that's definitely not right, fights her way through the ranks of this game, Angelic Layer, where dolls telekinetically controlled by the players fight. She's living with her aunt, but her mom is like, the Best at this game, so Misaki (I looked it up) wants to win the tournament to impress her/see her again. Or maybe she doesn't know her mom is the Best and just really likes the game - I don't remember. (I LOVED Misaki and her angel and the game and I wanted it to be real and I wanted to be her tbh.)

I remember a few other things, like Misaki's prodigy little girl friend, the guy who played Wizard who became her boyfriend I think, the Mean Girls, the weird scientist guy making someone eat octopus (????), and the weird scientist guy having Misaki do dance moves as training (when I tried to rewatch, I remember getting that far before giving up on the tiny video).

Besides Wizard's shield and the dance move training, I remember one other scene very clearly. (This is where the TW comes in.) It is a flashback to before the invention of Angelic Layer. The scientist guy brings Misaki's mother, who is in a wheelchair, in front of what looks like a traffic light with just red and green (or maybe just red?). (As a kid, I might have thought she was paralyzed in a car crash or something, but I also have a vague memory of understanding she had a genetic disease. Wikipedia said she has multiple sclerosis.) The scientist guy (whose name I for some reason think is Eglan, but a quick google search reveals no one ever's name has been Eglan [edit: THE FKING EVIL GUY FROM THE STUPID EVIL racist Micheal Vey series is Elgan]) puts something on her head, and tells her to turn on the red light by thinking about it. She does. He tells her to turn it off, which she does. The light starts flickering like crazy and Mr. Scientist thinks something has broken, but Misaki's mother is just so elated to be able to control something again.

My grandmother had Parkinson's Disease, and at that time we had recently hired an aide to live with her because my grandfather couldn't do everything. She was still walking, cleaning, and sometimes talking. By the end of her life (3-5 years later), she was completely bedridden.

At the time, I don't think I connected my grandmother to the anime beyond that one scene, I don't think I explicitly thought something like "I wish this was real so it could do for my grandmother what it did for Misaki's mom" (I mainly thought it was pretty cool, but I could have... it's so long ago), but looking back I think the show, or even just that scene, was really what I needed at that point in my life. The normal terms of "relate", "representation", ect., don't feel quite right here... I think it just kept me from feeling alone. My grandmother wasn't the only one going through this. My family wasn't the only one watching this happen to someone. It wasn't some unknown horror. The show kept me company like one of the silly illustrations of empathy from school as two animals sitting together being sad during the awful transitory period between "Wai-Po is sick and this makes her weak" to "Wai-Po is going to die, eventually. she's going to get worse and worse until that day comes." It also gave me a positive fantasy, I think, of impossible cures and stuff. I don't know. It wasn't really that important to me, but I didn't watch many shows, but I did especially like it -- I remember I had a vague mental crossover between it and Ever After High. I just remember sitting downstairs watching it on the black laptop that's a hunk of junk now, with the power cord that was sticky at the top because the duct tape that was covering the fraying connection would always end up sliding around. I think it was melting. I have a lot of random early childhood memories on that laptop... first saw a tumblr website when I looked up "fanfixx.net" after reading Fangirl to see if anyone had made a real version of the site (that site was gone a few years ago btw). Listened to Laura Shigihara once when my dad was napping next to me during a time when I hadn't switched fully over to the blue laptop. Played Akinator after watching DanTDM play it. Found some anime game (Elsword, I think it was) that I really really wanted to play but never did. HabitRPG. Laying on the floor of my room for Akinator, and again watching Angelic Layer when a babysitter came over. I knew how many episodes I could watch on a full battery. Sometimes I wish I hadn't pushed it hard at the end and maybe it wouldn't have collapsed, but it definitely would have. I think it had a CD player and when I was very young, my dad played movies on it for me once or twice. Every now and then, I have a dream where I'm using that laptop. They're rare, but it still happens.

[poly-queer-nomad]

Email to Grandma

Hey, grandma. I asked Gabi for your new email since I didn't have it. I asked her a while ago, but I haven't sent a message yet because I have been avoiding it. The reason why I have been avoiding it is because the last time I was over, and the times before that you haven't respected my pronouns or name. After some time thinking about it, I am hoping that it's just because of your age. That you're just very forgetful and that you wouldn't disrespect me. Even if it's something you don't understand. I know that learning a new name can be hard, especially neo pronouns. But, it would mean a lot to me if you would put in effort. With the evolution of life, neo pronouns are becoming more popular, and also people using They/Them as pronouns. It's becoming the new normal, and accepted. Though, some places like Texas, and Tennessee are trying to make laws against Trans people, and even Drag queens. It's scary. They are trying to also slowly take away free speech. Which as they slowly do that, the pride fests that used to exist with riots might be happening again soon. I would be surprised if they didn't with how everything is going downhill now.  

If my thoughts were right about how you just are very forgetful, and it's age. I will continue to let you know what's been going on with me. 

As you know Alakzandar and I have been saving up to live on the road. The past year I realized that not only because of us working our butts off to save up money to do this by barely going out to hangout with people. Do fun things. Etc. But, also because the breakup with Freyja has really caused a lot of trauma for me. Not just the breakup itself, but everything that Megan caused with it as well. I tried to pack it all in a little box and forget about it. But, that's not healthy. It made me lose trust with people. Made me put up walls I used to have years ago. I started to not want to reach out to family, or friends. Or even make new friends. I kept to myself, and just focused on my goal with nothing else in sight. 

I still don't know if I will be the person I once was before the breakup, but that's okay. We are human after all and always changing. We will always question who we are. It's just been harder than it has been for quite some time to know who I am. I feel like I always defined myself by the people I hangout with. But, with me only working and coming home to work on pricing everything to sell, or cooking, to eat, and head to bed. I don't have the guidelines I once had to know who I am. 

I feel like I lost a huge part of myself. But, I feel like that's got to be normal after a breakup. Along with losing a best friend. Megan. Then before that, losing mom. After losing mom I really didn't know who I was anymore. I feel like what made me feel like I had gravity on this earth, was her. I feel alone. Maybe that's because I told mom everything that went on in my head. I knew I could, because I knew she would never judge me for anything I told her. She was always very open minded, and willing to learn. That's probably why all my friends called her mom, and reached out to her. 

I feel like traveling will give me the answers I am searching for... Who Am I 

I remember when I was a little girl. Mom and I were driving past Washington Elementary School. Mom asked what I wanted to do when I grew up. I pointed at this RV, and said "I want to live in that, and travel the world." I was so so small. I am surprised I even remember that memory. But, it stuck. Just like the memory of me wanting to be a model, when I was like three years old. Which I am glad I took that path, and got to experience being a runway model. It was very empowering. 

We bought a truck. We are getting our RV in about two weeks or less, we already have money down on it. It's a 5th wheel. Pretty big, compared to what we thought we were going to originally get. But this way we can keep all our animals. Currently, I have been searching for remote jobs. I got an offer for one, and have a 2nd job interview Monday for another job. So for money making, I will have one on the road. Alakzandar is looking at jobs for Forests, or Campgrounds. We would have the company pay for our RV site, plus him hourly. Then I could stay home and work, and the animals wouldn't be alone. If Alakzandar can't find a job, he will just find a normal job, and we will pay for an RV ground. Then just stay there for a few months, and travel once it gets cold. Just keep moving slowly. 

I never felt like Wisconsin was enough for me, Which is probably why I have packed my bags and left like three times now. But, coming back due to many issues I ran into. I am hoping since I will have a home on wheels that this is it. That if I don't like a place, or it's too expensive that I can just leave, but keep my home with me. It's funny really... I used to make sure that I didn't have that many things so I knew I could pack up my car and leave. But, after being with Freyja, I thought that settling down was the best thing. So, I started to buy more and more things. I remember having a breakdown once to Freyja about being settled down... How uncomfortable that made me. She told me that I would get used to it. But, I don't think I ever want to get used to that feeling. I want to see the world. Mom did too. 

Mom taught me to love nature. The love for hiking. I used to just do it with her to do something with her. I thought it was somewhat boring. But, as I grew older I found the love for it more and more. When I wanted to move out of state before, it was because I wanted to get away from everything. Everyone. Now, I want to leave because I have seen almost everything Wisconsin has to offer with nature. Did you know I will travel three hours, just for a hike?... Then just drive back home once I am done with the hike. I have done that so much that there isn't anything left anymore. Some places up north of Wisconsin I haven't seen everything. But, I have gotten hotels just to visit more places up north. It's beautiful. There are so many waterfalls, it doesn't even seem like the Wisconsin we know over here. 

Hiking makes me feel alive. Makes living seem worth it. Seeing new things. Mushrooms, plants, bugs, water formations. Birds. Kayaking in the water. Soon I hope to be able to do skydiving. I tried Ziplining once. It was too boring for me. Too safe. 

I have a vlog on tiktok, but I think I am going to start one on Youtube. You could watch them if you wanted, see where I have been. I want to share my experience with others. To share, to inspire. 

I love you, Grandma.

[noys-boise]

putting this under readmore because it's long

like. okay this would require some school traditions to be explained which i can't bother to properly do but. we had the annual campaign except I'm pretty sure school just started? in my dream? it's supposed to be february at EARLIEST but there's been times it was in MAY. why was it just one class (even though the rest of them still happened but no one cared about them) WHY was their stand on the 11th floor (we don't have that many and in my dream there was still no elevator or anything) why did my classmates seem to mysteriously disappear when i entered WHY WERE THERE ELEMENTARY SCHOOL AGE KIDS THERE why did the classroom become open like no roof when i entered. and why was campaign on one day in a classroom where this class' stand was normally it's not one day and there's DEFINITELY no stands in any classrooms) the whole thing was off. also the food was store bought instead of hand made that's very unusual as well. and THEN they made us stand up and march to a children's song (this part isn't as weird there legitimately is a children's song to march to in hungary) the weird part is by the time i wanted to sit down there were these construction workers?? at every desk with ladders (even in my dream i kind of went "haha game changer deja vu reference which is the most realistic part so far. i would do that.) which is weird because like i said there was no roof at this point. and it made sitting down near impossible and they just ignored us.

at this point i texted my mom that I'm running late which is funny because it must've been like. 7 pm at this point. she did not reply at all. and i only left half an hour later at which point i realized that leaving the school somehow led to a completely different place that is not where leaving the school is supposed to lead me?? i started navigating with google maps and it actually seemed to work (i don't know what to make of the random woman that ran out of a building that was next to the school in my dream and clearly was trying to hide) i had to cross a small river that had a bridge and it was kind of hard but i managed. then i saw my mom with some guy she was as apparently following somewhere but then the guy kind of disappeared and we were at a train station. which again makes no sense. it would not make sense for us to go by train i live half an hour from the school right now none of this makes sense. then another train went by not the one we were supposed to get on and an announcer voice said we need to go to the train conductor immediately like us two by name. and my mom said to just ignore it. then 5 minutes later we heard it again and it said we broke some train law?? but my mom said this has happened to her before and we can just ignore it.

our train came and she must've been right because there were never any consequences to our apparent train crimes.

we then went to a mall and let me remind you it must've been at least 8 pm at this point it's absolutely wild that anything was even open let alone that we would decide to shop at this point. so anyways we went to get more of my medicine but the cashier was so confused?? by my medicine?? i think she thought it's some kind of dark magic or something because she kept saying things like "how did you get such powerful medicine..." and "you know this will stay with you for 10 years right..." and it was really uncomfortable. then she asked how many I take and i said 2 (i don't know why, i only take one per day) and then she tried to literally just give me two pills?? I'm supposed to get 30 in one pack?? at which point i had the realization that she thinks i literally take the same pill every day and then spit it out or something. and then my autistic instinct won because i just yelled out "um, actually, I'm supposed to get the entire pack!" and i remember being so smug about it for some reason i think i just enjoyed being able to do a dropout reference without anyone noticing.

and THEN my mom took me to some weird store where a video was playing on a screen and i truly don't know how to explain this video. the background of it was this store itself (which btw was full of plants) and it was very hazy and random people kept appearing and the screen showed their name and pronouns while they said "i wanted to be [thing] because [reason] but then i decided to instead [something else] and then there would be a sparkle effect and a lot of times their pronouns changed which sometimes was related to what they said but sometimes not a lot of it was related to being trans.

it was like. "i wanted to use fae/faer but instead i decided to use hee/theem!" "i wanted to be a she/her but instead i decided to just dress differently!" and my personal favorite "i wanted to be a ballerina because i wanted something that would make me uncomfortable and take up a lot of my time but instead i decided to start owning snakes because of the same reason!!"

and at this point i didn't know what my mom's intentions were. I thought it was something transphobic but then she said "this video is relatable because it talks so much about choice like when my ex boyfriend cheated on me and i decided to move out of the country!" she just dropped that on me without any explanation.

and then i seriously started thinking through the day and instead of any of the surreal things i just mentioned my dream brain fabricated a fake memory of me in biology class where the biology teacher was telling a story and i was half asleep and i thought she was talking about herself in third person and somehow THAT'S what made me realize this is a dream. at which point i told my mom "this day isn't real" very matter of factly. and then i woke up.

what the FUCK was my dream it was an entire journey that left me in universe saying "this day isn't real" well it wasn't.