#i also ate pasta. this is irrelevant i feel

[fix-me-sixteen]

why does everyone hate vegetables so much. they genuinely taste good. i prefer them to so many other "good-tasting" foods. like genuinely. give me your vegetables i will eat them for you give them to me now. seriously where do they get their icky reputation from. why do children hate them. i’m confused

[lokishornns]

Make a Wish [2]

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masterlist

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— send requests!!

pairing: loki x reader (fem)

type: series, some humor?

rating: pg13

word count: 4,419

warnings: cursing? probably. occasional mentions of being killed. loki being annoyingly arrogant

summary:  You’re a new employee for the Make a Wish foundation, struggling to make a living in the ever expensive New York City. When your boss - who, for the record, hates your guts - assigns an impossible task as a way to get you fired, you do everything in your power to make a kid happy. Even if that does include getting face to face with the most hated man in the city.

notes: im actually dead but i managed to crank this out, so hopefully, this does well. also, a huge thanks to @lady-loki-ren for being a saving grace for this chapter!

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“So, this kid wants to meet Reindeer Games?” Tony asks and you hum in acknowledgment.

“Yeah, not sure why, but I don’t really think it matters too much,” you shrug, eyeing the billionaire from the back.

In all honesty, he’s not super impressive. His presence is intimidating and practically terrifying, but presence set aside – he almost seems normal. He’s on the shorter side and his hair is starting to grey – from stress or age, you couldn’t really tell. His skin, however, is smooth as hell and you wonder what products he uses to get his skin like that.

Tony turns into a random room that’s shrouded in darkness and smells far too similar to a hospital. You glance around in the darkness, hoping to catch sight of everything, but you can only make out a few computer monitors. Tony goes to one, turning it on, the light piercing through the darkness.

“Unfortunately, Reindeer Games is hard to contact, but if I piss him off enough, he’ll answer,” Tony says, and you crack a bewildered smile at his words. They almost seem like teenage enemies.

Tony begins to type in some random credentials that you probably shouldn’t know or even be around to witness him doing it, but he doesn’t seem to mind, so you watch as he pulls up some sort of program, typing in what you could only decipher as code. He leans back in the chair, his fingers now interlaced and placed over his chest.

“What do we do now?” you ask, peering at the screen, unable to make out any of what Tony had just done.

“Give it a minute, Loki does not really care for the ever-pressing concept of time,” Tony explains as you nod. You resort to leaning back against a metal table, the edge biting into your skin in the slightest.

Time passes slowly in the room and the awkward silence seems to make everything significantly worse. On top of that, your stomach growls loudly, startling yourself and Tony.

I would kill for a piece of bread, you think, or maybe some hot chocolate.

“When was the last time you ate, kid?” Tony asks and you’re surprised at the amount of concern you detect in his voice.

“Uh, maybe last night? I’m not entirely sure,” you say, sheepishly.

“Well, we can’t have you starving, can we?” Tony says, springing up from his seat, then instantly regrets it. You watch as he sways in the slightest, his hand going to cradle his head. “There’s a price you pay for being a near-alcoholic,” he mumbles before regaining his composure and striding out of the room in his ‘Stark’ glory.

You’re not sure if you should follow, but you aren’t in the mood for being in an abandoned room that houses the only communication to the most villainous person in New York City, so you scramble after him, your feet almost tripping over themselves.

You soon reach what could only be described as a massive kitchen. There are white, polished wooden cabinets that are on almost every wall – save for the one wall that is purely windows – and around four or five ovens are pushed into one section of the kitchen. Drawers litter the kitchen and it’s hard to miss the impeccable stainless-steel sink that seems to be as big as your bathroom in your apartment. Your eyes land on two massive fridges that you initially thought were doors leading into the many rooms in this monstrosity of a tower.

“Whaddya want? We have pasta, some leftover beef roast, some pop-tarts; really anything you want,” he says, and you glance back at the massive room, surveying the large granite countertops and the grey backsplash.

“Whatever is fine, I don’t want to impose more than I already have,” you mumble and from what you can tell with his sunglasses on, Tony rolls his eyes in the slightest.

“Please. You know what, Bucky’s been annoying me lately; let’s just swipe some of his snacks,” Tony suggests – or more instructs – and heads over to some cabinets on the opposite side of the kitchen. He shuffles through some things before snatching up some chips and other random snacking items.

He motions for you to grab the snacks and follow him out of the kitchen, walking down the same hallway you had come from before entering the same dark room. He sets the chips and snacks on the table, grabbing a bag of chips and sitting down in his seat. You carefully pry some saltwater taffy from the pile, popping it in your mouth.

A loud beeping sound makes your heart jump and your attention is drawn to the monitor that is now flashing red and has words you can understand. Incoming call.

“Perfect timing,” Tony mumbles before hitting the enter button on the keyboard, answering the call. A loud, staticky crackling sound pierces your ears at first and you wince alongside Tony who’s practically cringing away from the sound. The crackling fades away to a light static sound before a voice comes through the monitor.

“What does my brother want now?”

You’re surprised at the voice. You had never heard Loki talk and his voice is surprisingly smooth – much smoother than Thor’s. He doesn’t sound like a villain.

“We have a special guest who is very eager to meet you!” Tony cheers with fake enthusiasm and you frown, not sure if Loki’s going to be all too happy with his enemy taunting him. But surprisingly, he bites back.

“A guest so special they came through you? How exciting!” the sarcasm drips from the monitor and you almost want to laugh before remembering that this dude terrorizes New York on a daily.

“Yes, I’m afraid so. I have someone from the Make a Wish foundation here,” Tony starts, and you hear what you presume to be a snort crackle through the speakers.

“And what does that have to do with me?” Loki asks, and before Tony can respond, you tap his shoulder gently, as if asking if you have permission to talk. He nods and you swallow thickly, your hands beginning to shake.

“There’s a little boy in a hospital right now who would love to meet you,” you pause waiting for some sort of evil comment. “He really idolizes you –”

“A terrible idea, really,” you hear Loki’s voice puncture through your sentence and a snort slips from you before you can control it. Who knew that Loki Laufeyson had humor?

“I was just wondering if somehow we could work something out for a visit? He’s in his last stages, so he doesn’t have very long,” you chew on your lip as you finish your anti-climatic speech to the literal God. You only get more nervous as the second tick on, feeling as if it’s been an eternity since you fell silent.

“This child can die happier without knowing me,” his words cut through you like a knife and before you can respond or plead for his assistance, the line goes dead and you freeze, your mouth open wide. At this point, you didn’t care about your job, but you sure as hell cared about this kid.

You groaned – loudly, staring at the now-blank screen. What were you to do now? Go back and tell this kid ‘hey Danny, what’s up, so you’re probably going to die without meeting your idol, sorry!’? You dragged a hand down your face, cursing the dumb villain that is too sure of himself and prideful to do anything for a dying kid.

Tony swivels in the chair, offering a sympathetic look towards you. You only smile weakly as reassurance before a loud clanging sounds from outside the room.

“Dammit, Bucky and Sam can’t work together to save their lives,” Tony mutters before racing out of the room to somehow stop a quarrel. You stand silently for a minute, surveying the room as your mind reels over the recent events.

Your eyes land on the keyboard, noticing a manila folder placed underneath it, as if a cheat sheet in a test. You hadn’t noticed it before so Tony must have put the folder there. You peer at the doorway, holding your breath as you wait for the Avenger to come back in, but he doesn’t, and the loud sounds are still erupting from the kitchen. You tiptoe over to the folder, gently scooting the keyboard off it. Your eyes widen a fraction when reading the name of the folder.

Laufeyson, Loki

You hesitate, your fingers tracing the small bends and creases in the folders as if it were ages old. You pry open the front, your eyes trained on the folder. In it are news reports, criminal records, and details of some of the encounters with the villain. You’re just about to shut it closed when a bright orange tab catches your attention. You flip the papers to the orange tab, shock filling you. There’s an address.

And it’s Loki’s.

You wave your goodbyes to the few Avengers, assuring that you would be able to navigate on your own, and thanking Tony and Thor for their hospitality. You actually cringe once you meet Steve’s gaze that holds a petrifying look, but you just escape into the elevator, giving an unsure smile.

You’re finally able to breathe in the elevator, your head pounding from the number of experiences you had gone through today. You had met with some of the Avengers, stole and ate snacks with Tony Stark, and contacted a Supervillain. Oh, and you also stole the address out of the file, but no worries. You may just get tracked down by a gang of superheroes and find yourself eternally imprisoned.

Why do they have his address, yet they don’t attack? You shake your head of the irrelevant thoughts. All that matters is this kid.

You meet Helda’s gaze as you step from the elevator, and somehow it makes you curl into yourself and reminds you that your clothes are still damp from the torrential downpour. You glance through the windows that are black and spotted with raindrops, your steps uneasy as you approach the doors that lead outside. You give one last look to Helda before pushing out into the rain.

You’re immediately met with burning cold rain that tears down your face and clothes, prompting you to shiver through the walk. You glance occasionally at the small post-it note that has begun to get ruined by the rain, the ink smearing slightly. You tuck it into your hands, hoping to keep it as dry as possible.

When you arrive at your intended destination, it’s well past ten and the sky has retreated its attack, only leaving a small drizzle in its place. You glance from the paper to the house, your brows furrowing. This was the right address. Loki lives in this?

It was a large, modern-style home with black doors and polished, white rock that made up the body of the building. Large, opaque windows stood ominously encasing the black doors. You gulped.

Well, Loki sure did have a flair for design apparently.

Your nerves begin to overtake you, anxiety springing through your bones like lava. Your hands are trembling, and you can’t tell if it’s from the damp clothes that are still on your back or if it’s from the prospect of coming face to face with the most feared dude in New York. You bit your lip.

You cautiously approached the door, knocking twice on the doors that now seemed much larger than when you surveyed them from across the street. You waited patiently, your eyes catching sight of a small and hidden camera in a crevice, the camera facing you. You narrowed your eyes at it before looking back to the house and knocking again. When you were once again met with only silence, you rolled your eyes, stepping up to the camera. You hoped this thing had a mic on it.

“Hey, uh,” you pause, not knowing what to say. Improv is obviously not exactly your forte. “I spoke with you over the weird communication thing with Tony. I know this is probably really weird and kind of imposing, but I really cannot have this kid let down. I am totally willing to let you kill me if it means this kid gets everything. Oh, and no Avengers are with me. Most of them didn’t seem all too happy with me anyways.” You glance back at the door, waiting a few moments for a response. You’re just about to give up when you hear a crackling sound.

“Ah, so this is the brave little girl who spoke to me on the phone. How delightful to see you for once,” you hear his smooth voice even over the crackling of an intercom and you think you’re about to pee yourself. You swallow your nerves.

“Listen, buddy, don’t think you’re slick by escaping me on the phone call earlier. I really, really just need a moment to speak with you. It won’t take long unless you’re down to let me camp out on your porch,” you call out and you sense a hesitation in his response.

“My, my, how mouthy you are. That mouth is in desperate need for discipline.” You can practically hear the smirk in his voice and your jaw drops. Did he really just insinuate that? You stand in shock, not able to process what he just said.

“I beg your pardon?” you ask incredulously.

“Oh, dear. You have much to learn,” he almost mocks and your stomach churns at the sound of his voice. You’re just about to lay one on his camera when a small chime rips your focus back to the door where it’s now swinging wide open.

You give one last look to the camera before stepping through the threshold, squinting your eyes in the darkness to make out details of the house. Two winding staircases meet at a second floor, a small table with a white orchid poised between the two of them. Further back you can see a sitting area, but for now, it mainly rests obscured from creeping eyes by darkness. You’re just about to start exploring for yourself whenever you hear footsteps approaching from above.

You glance up to find the Loki Laufeyson carelessly strutting down the stairs.

“You’re much more enticing when you’re not dripping on my floors like a wet dog,” Loki bites and you look down to see that you have indeed made a puddle around yourself and a small trail of water from the door. Your nerves hit you like a brick and suddenly you feel like fainting.

“I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to-”

“Such a submissive thing. Shielding when one hint of criticism is thrown your way,” Loki taunts and your eyes narrow at the villain, forgetting that he could very well kill you right now.

“No, I just happen to have respect for housing and nice floors,” you snap and surprisingly, Loki’s smirk is soon replaced by what seems to be an amused smile before it quickly fades.

“Are you here to plead to me about your insufferable cause?” Loki asks, making his tone very dramatically exasperated and you roll your eyes at the notion. You freeze, realizing you just rolled your eyes at a notorious criminal.

Jesus Christ, I’m such an idiot. I’m going to die. Yep. It’s been awful, bye world, you think. You manage to find your voice through all of your anxiety.

“Yes, and by the way, it’s hardly insufferable for you. I’ve lost my dignity multiple times today. I was almost detained by a woman named Helda; can you imagine how humiliating that would have been?” you babble, not noticing the way Loki seems to be scrutinizing you until you stop. You wish you were smaller. Loki’s facial details were hidden to you by the shadow that lurked over him, making all that you could see of him a lean and muscular body.

“I do believe you have no clue what this entails in terms of my appearance,” Loki patronizes, and you press your lips together, awaiting his next words. “First, the hospital will go under complete lockdown. Then, the police will arrive, and Odin knows that when that happens, the SWAT team arrives. Then your precious friends. I’m not particularly fond of searching for chaos.” You crinkle your nose in confusion.

“Aren’t you the God of Chaos?” Loki sighs deeply before rolling his eyes.

“While I do like chaos, chaos usually finds me, not the other way around,” Loki concludes, and you look away. Weirdo.

“Alrighty, bud. Aren’t you the most powerful guy in New York? Like isn’t that enough to go to the hospital? I’ll make sure no law enforcement reaches you, but I can’t promise for the Avengers,” you sassed. You realized a second too late that it’s probably not good to feed into his ego, but he only gave a small smirk.

“I may consider this pathetic deal of yours, but I need something in return,” he says and raises an eyebrow. Your face distorts in disgust.

“Uh, if you’re into sex stuff, I’m probably the last person you should ask-”

“What? No. You’re not my taste,” Loki says, startled, scanning your figure with his eyes and you become hyper-aware of the dampness of your clothes once again. Your face flushes a bright red and you attempt to cough the awkwardness away.

“I guess you get attention out of it.”

“I get attention all the time,” Loki deadpans and you flush even redder – if possible.

“It’s good attention. Someone who genuinely thinks you’re super cool,” you try to remember the marketing class you took in college, attempting to throw random rhetoric strategies in your words.

“I do hope you realize I get far enough of good attention too,” Loki lowers his voice, smiling suggestively at you, and you have to restrain yourself from gagging.

“Fine, what do you want?” you ask, exasperated. For a moment, Loki seems caught off-guard, hesitating in the slightest before his lips curl into a smile that eerily resembles a sneer. Sheesh. Pretty teeth, though.

“For you to work for me.”

“No,” you say quickly, your facial expression only showing bewilderment and disgust.

“Ah, that’s too bad,” he hums. “You could have gotten your precious boy a visit.” You almost waiver at his bargaining, but you bite back.

“You’re scared? And that’s why you’re escaping this?” you ask, making sure your eyebrows were raised for an extra effect.

“No-”

“You must be. And let me tell you,” you take a threatening step forwards, the god following you with his eyes, “I sure as hell know how to make this a lot scarier. So, I suggest that you concede to me and we be done with it.” By the end of your little escapade, you feel your hands trembling, hoping that Loki doesn’t notice. But Loki only cracks a smile.

“My, my, you are far fiercer than I initially believed. You have quite a bit of fire in you, little one,” Loki says, his eyes sweeping over you once again as you huff, attempting to stand taller.

Why am I even trying? This dude could probably kill me with his eyes. Whatever. Girl power, am I right? Black Widow would be proud.

“I thought you already had shitty morals, but this is even lower. He’s a child for god’s sake. Can you extend any sort of kindness? At all?” you almost plead, realizing that pleading like this was most likely going to be the best way to convince him. Let him know he had the upper hand.

“Kindness is not in my nature.”

“But mischief is, and I promise you, this will take a lot of mischief,” you say, watching as his eyebrows draw together to study you. You attempt to smile, but you’re sure your lips just pull into an uncomfortable, thin line.

“Why do you care so much?” Loki asks and you stand for a moment, unsure of what to say. Why did you care so much? Why did you even come here, in the face of one of the most dangerous criminals, to plead with him for a kid? You didn’t know, so you let your mouth run away from you, hoping that will be the best way to a truth.

“I don’t have a lot of time in my life like you do, and I guess it’s human need to leave an impression. Plus I love the kid; he’s super funny,” you conclude, your shoulders slightly relaxing from some unknown tension. Loki hums.

“Human nature is a repulsive and disgusting thing. You mere mortals usually end up tearing yourselves apart,” Loki decides to say before abruptly turning back into his monstrosity of a house.

You stand in shock at first before he turns around, waving you forward. You stumble to keep up with his steps, his long legs taking impossibly long strides. Damn him and his long legs.

“However, although you are quite persistent and annoying, you are far more intriguing than most mortals I have met,” Loki speaks over his shoulder, and you glare at his back, wishing you could pierce holes through him with laser eyes. Screw being a villain, he was an annoying ass. You huff, following him through winding hallways, a thought popping into your head.

What if he’s leading me to my death? What if he’s trying to kill me? Oh, god. I guess I deserve it.

You almost sigh in relief when he leads you to an open and covered balcony. You study him, careful to make sure the psychopath isn’t looking.

He’s attractive. Dammit! You are not supposed to find him attractive! He’s a villain! He could kill you in an instant.

You feel the ever-constant, ironic want of death rise in your stomach, wishing to erase those thoughts from your memory. You glanced at yourself, horrified that you even began to think any such thoughts of the villain. It’s over for you if you find out you’re somehow attracted to criminals and psychopaths.

Do they have standards? you wonder.

You’re caught red-handed as you look back up to the villain, who’s watching you with a bewildered look.

Oh great, he probably thinks I’m a lunatic now. I guess they do have standards.

“Why did you take us out here?” you ask, just as the cold begins to seep into your clothes, giving you a bitter reminder of what your day had entailed. Loki glances back to the door – which he’s thankfully left open (for needs of escape, of course) – and reverts his gaze back to you as if thinking that he couldn’t trust you. Haha, buddy. Very funny. You’re the villain here, Mr. Bad Guy.

“There are prying eyes everywhere, fierce one. In this storm, no one can hear us,” Loki says, this time his tone isn’t biting or sarcastic as usual. He’s serious and for some reason, that makes your stomach feel very unsettled.

You turn to survey the balcony. It was only what you could call enormous. There were occasional sitting areas and plants, leaves blowing in the wind. There was a firepit across the balcony and you wished you could somehow cuddle up next to a raging fire and fall asleep, warm and dry. You still shivered.

“Are you going to kill me?” you asked, apprehensively. You swear you almost felt faint when he chuckled.

“No, mortal, I have no needs or intentions to do so. You are not a threat to me, and nor am I to you,” Loki said, an amused smile on his lips. You almost felt comfort in his words. Almost.

“You’re the God of Lies; how can I trust you?” you ask, biting your lip again. He only cracks a bigger smile.

“Although I am the God of Lies, I don’t lie when I need to. What motivations do I have to kill you?” he asks, arching a teasing brow. Wow, his brows are nice. Ugh. This is so bad.

You think for a moment, trying to come up with some plausible reason that the bad guy in front of you would kill you. Your eyes narrow as you pick out a few reasons.

“I’m annoying you, plus, you get off on watching people die,” you state, pointing a finger at his chest before turning a dark shade of red and retracting your finger. Loki only quirks a brow, as if asking ‘Is that the best you can do?’.

“I happen to not find satisfaction in death. If I need remind you, I am the God of Chaos. I get off on chaos,” he says, and you furrow your brows. Uh-huh, sure buddy.

“Chaos makes people die, so, it’s basically the same thing,” you point out, thinking you have him in a corner, but he only laughs.

“Darling, we could debate all day about this, but unfortunately it is quite late, and I do want a good night’s sleep,” Loki responds, and you shiver at the nickname.

“I’m not your ‘Darling’,” you drawl, glaring at the God, but he pretends to not notice as he takes a seat on a nearby couch. You stiffly follow him, plopping into the seat across from him. Surprisingly, the seat cushions are warm and dry, contrary to the storm that seems to be picking up again. You curl into them.

“So, do tell, who is this boy?” Loki asks and you respond, filling him in on Danny – the one, who for some reason, loves Loki. Loki only seems to become more and more intrigued by each word, and soon it feels like he’s staring through your soul. You shift, unsettled by his stare.

By the end of your little biography of Danny and occasional, thrown in rhetoric devices, you blush, realizing you were taking quite a long time to explain it all. However, Loki doesn’t seem to mind as he leans back against the couch, his finger absentmindedly rubbing his chin in thought. He still studies you, yet this time is less intense, and for that, you’re relieved.

“Do you trust me?” he asks out of the blue, and you stare at him as if he lost a head.

“Of course not,” you respond, watching his mouth pick up the signature smirk that’s starting to annoy you.

“Clever girl, now, about the boy. Where is he located? We must plan this soon, for time is of the essence of you pathetic mortals.”

—

taglist:  @quenilla @darkprincessloki92

[junkpoetic]

Six

The next morning, Elliot was a bit ornery about what we should do for the day. He didn’t seem to want to get out of bed and grab breakfast, so I met Juno in Quincy Market at a place called Neptune’s Café. The walls were painted cold blue; however the atmosphere was warm. I left

“Why are you so intrigued by my name?” She asked.

“I don’t know, it’s a good name, I like it.”

“You’ve never asked me where I am from.”

“Yes, I did, Winnipeg.” I replied.

“No, I was born there, I am from Jersey, I am actually going there soon.”

“How soon?” I asked accidentally.

“How soon is now?” she smirked.

“I love that song! But aren’t you from where you are born?”

“Not necessarily.” She arranged her thoughts in her head before continuing. “I live in Boston. I am from Jersey. I was born in Winnipeg.”

“Okay, so where you’re from, is where you grew up?”

“I guess it changes. If I were on vacation and a stranger asked me where I am from, I would say Boston, because Jersey is irrelevant to them.”

“So… if you asked me where I am from, I should tell you where I live now, not where I am from?” I teased.

“I haven’t asked where you are from?”

I thought about it. “I don’t believe so.”

“Am I a stranger?” She asked.

“You are not.” I replied.

“Where are you from?”

I laughed. “I don’t know anymore; I am so fucking confused.”

“Places are just places right?” She smiled.

“What’re you going to do in Jersey?”

“I planned a surf weekend with friends. They might come here instead though. It depends on the weather.”

“Surfing in October?” I thought she was kidding.

“Prominent breaks man, the best waves all year. Not to mention the ocean is empty, so all the waves are mine.”

Curiouser. “So, you’re a surfer?”

She slowly inhaled a sip of coffee. “I don’t know, I like to surf. What constitutes being a surfer?” She said coyishly.

“I always assumed the act of surfing?” I replied.

She raised the question. “So… if you kill one person, you’re a murderer?”

“It depends on if it was murder…” I replied.

“If you kill three people and by pure happenstance all of the killings are done the same way to people with the same profile, are you automatically a serial killer?” She was on a roll. There was no stopping her.

“Hmmm, I am not sure. I guess it depends on the connotation.”

“So, if my intent is to become a serial killer when I grow up, the first few kills would be in training? Then once I hit a number, I get my serial killer certificate… however, if I just happen to accidentally kill three similar looking people, the kills are considered null, and I am not a serial killer?”

I tented my hands and stabbed my chin with my fingers lightly. “Yes, I think we’ve nailed it down.”

She laughed. “Yes, I am a surfer.”

“Epic.” I smiled.

I learned a lot more about Juno Rafferty that morning. Eventually Elliot met up with us, and then Madeline did too. It’s funny I have known of Madeline for such a long time, yet I know nothing about her other than her nickname she acquired somewhere in her youth from being known for enjoying a cocaine high. She may have only done it once and I have defined her by it. She seemed to be very successful, she owned her own internet clothing company, and lived in a large flat on Newbury. It goes along with what Juno said about one thing defining you being untrue. Imagine if our youth defined our entire lives? Imagine if we could never climb out of it? I had to laugh though, here I was with Juno, who’s name literally means youth, and here she was defining me. There are some days I like being inside my head, stuck, like we were on the rooftop, today was one of those days.

Elliot was very intrigued by surfing in October. So much so that he was looking for spots nearby. He’d never even surfed but always wanted to at least try it. All the years we’d been coming here, it was always summer, the beaches were overcrowded, and the waves sucked. Juno explained that if you can surf the north Atlantic coast, you can surf anywhere.

We had two days left on trip and things felt a little awkward now knowing Elliot’s fate, and though he was vague when I asked what kind of cancer, it was still very sobering knowledge. Like anyone, I held out hope that maybe a mistake was made somewhere. Maybe they mixed up his chart. Maybe he was just too dehydrated and out of shape on marathon day. I kept putting all these thoughts in a blender and spinning them around my head. Adding to it with every new thought, or glimmer of hope.

After breakfast Juno and Madeline went about their separate ways. Elliot was fixated on his phone searching for surf spots. Whenever he got something in his head, he had to live it out. I loved that about him. He had the confidence to do really anything. If I mentioned skydiving, we would probably be on a plane this afternoon. Instead, we spent the afternoon in a surf shop that Juno recommended called Motion Surf.

Lorelei Zimmerman had the curliest blonde hair. She was named after Marilyn Monroe’s character in the fifties movie “Gentleman Prefer Blondes”. She had never seen the movie, but she liked that the origin of her name derived from Marilyn Monroe. She was in her early thirties, probably the same age as Juno, or close to it. She had a welcoming soul, and she took the time to explain surfing to Elliot and I, two guys amid their forties, who had absolutely zero clue about it. She spent her youth surfing in Australia, it was in her blood, she studied abroad in Boston where she met her now husband Rami and they put their roots down in here. The way she spoke of Australia, I could tell she missed it dearly.

“Catching an unbroken wave is one of the most difficult things to learn as a novice.” She explained that patience and persistence would pay off because the feeling of dropping in on a green wave for the first time is an out of body experience. She reflected on her first green wave as if she had just ridden it into shore. Elliot handed her his credit card and told her to get us everything we’d need to surf and since we were leaving in a few days, he told her to teach us as fast as she could. She laughed and began talking about the four stages of waves and how to approach them.

“The first stage is a lump in the water, and basically impossible to catch. The second stage is the delicate sweet spot and hitting it right is essential. This is where you begin paddling into it. In the third stage is when the wave breaks onto your back. The wave is broken in the last stage and now white water. Positioning is everything when trying to predict when the wave will break.”

Elliot was listening so intently as she spoke. Her accented words were becoming glued to the inside of his mind.

“You want to be about five meters out from where the waves are breaking. Look for the lumps in the horizon that look like stage A waves. Once you pick a wave paddle with it matching the speed of the wave. Matching the speed is difficult because there is no force pulling you forward. Once you have proper paddling strokes and your body is centered on the board, gravity arrives. Keep your head down low over the nose of the board as you’re lifting up on the wave. Gravity becomes your best friend once you’re in position. When you feel confident on the wave, you’ll know when you feel it, that’s when you pop up. Never hesitate to pop up.”

She popped up on a surfboard on the carpet showing us the proper ways.

“Don’t go out too far, it’s such a common mistake new surfers make. See where other surfers are and follow their lead.”

She helped us pick out surfboards, and then even waxed them for us. Elliot’s board had a drawing of a guy on it that looked like he was vomiting a rainbow. It looks much better than it sounds. He said that specific board spoke to him as if it were the chosen one. I just nodded my head and said OKAY. My board had a skull on it with a snake crawling through the mouth and up through the eye of it. It was colored with the most beautiful blues and greens. The first wetsuit Elliot tried on was too tight leaving little to the imagination. It was hilarious watching Lorelei try not to look down at his forty-six-year-old package. He was almost flaunting it, but he kept a straight face.

 Lorelei said she’d be happy to meet up this weekend at Nauset Beach to help us get our feet wet, no pun intended. Her words not mine. We agreed to stay through the weekend, because well, Elliot was now obsessed with wanting to surf… in Boston, in October. It’s also weird how long ago the marathon felt … fucking time.

We kept it pretty low key later that night. We went to an Italian restaurant called Giacomo’s on the north end and ordered the works. It was our favorite spot to eat whenever we came into town. Italian food tastes worlds better in October than it does in June. Maybe we’ve been doing it wrong the entire time. Elliot ordered as if it were his last meal. King prawns, calamari, manicotti, some sort of pasta with scallops too. He ate every god damn bite and then washed it down with a five-hundred-dollar bottle of Amarone. I was full just watching him eat as I snacked on bruschetta drizzled in the freshest olive oil. I also had the caprese salad with pesto along with a seafood linguini. Everything tasted so damn good I almost wished it was our last meal.

“You really think we can pull off surfing?” I said tossing my napkin onto my plate.

“We’re going to god damn try.” He said still chewing whatever it was he was chewing.

“Always an adventure.” I said feeling a bit sentimental.

“Still can’t believe I couldn’t finish the marathon…”

“But you did…”

“In a way.” He said modestly. “I wasn’t going to tell you by the way.”

“Tell me what?”

“That I am dying.”

“Oh, sorry.”

“I haven’t even told Louise.”

“Are you kidding?” I almost choked on a cherry tomato.

The waitress interrupted and Elliot ordered us an entire key lime pie for dessert, and I must be honest, I didn’t think I could fit another calorie in my body. When they put it in front of us it was still smoking from the freezer and God dammit when I sunk my teeth into that tangy ice cold vanilla and key lime pie all down to that glazed graham cracker crust I saw my life flash before me in a montage both bittersweet and beautiful from the time Elliot and I were kids in the street playing baseball and drinking lemonade, all the way up to the rooftop last night with Juno Rafferty and attempting to feel up every single one of the shiver bumps on her tight cold skin. All the good, the bad, and the ugly, in that same fucking blender that I call my mind that just spins constantly like a cyclone vomiting rainbows among other things less attractive.

After dinner we walked out into the rainy night and up and down the streets in the north end. We bought cigars and smoked them on a sidewalk outside of an all-night café before catching a cab back to the hotel and calling it a night.

“Today was a good day.” Elliot said before we parted ways for the night.

[thedappleddragon]

twofer because sleep schedule madness

Woken up at noon by dad, left at 2something to go driving for a couple hours to practice parallel parking, running over lots of cones in the process because they were too short for us to see. Stopped practice early so we could go to the hardware store to pick up hooks so my sister can set up a hammock, and went grocery shopping where it was VERY CROWDED and gave me a little headache, partially from chewing gum too long. We got home and my dad started cooking dinner on the grill and I helped by making stuffed mushrooms which turned out amazing :) we had asparagus and mushrooms and scallops and burgers and pork chops and hot dogs and pasta salad and potato salad oh my. My friend dropped by to pick up the bear I made them, but first they went grocery shopping and lost their wallet lol. Afterwards I hung out for a bit and accidentally fell asleep. I woke up for half a second when my dad came in to turn off my light, and didn’t wake up again until 1am or so. My dreams were centered around a mechanic of matching rhythms and events to move time forward or something, idk. But since I went to bed early and just now woke up when I would normally start thinking about going to sleep, I’m afraid I’ve fucked up my sleep schedule and won’t be able to go back to sleep tonight. I’m gonna try tho. (all that was typed at 1 am, its now midnight the next night) so no I did NOT go back to sleep. instead I watched tiktoks and drew Bugsnax but mostly some random gemsonas. I washed the sun rise and heard my mom come home from morning shift, but eventually my sister got up and started her day so I got up too. I felt just a little sick, just like the embodiment of sour milk, and my head spun just a little bit as I walked down the hall. but I ate a bagel and hung out and was fine. there was freezing rain outside so all the trees had little icicles on them so I couldn't go outside with my cat, and I couldn't go driving with my dad. I finfished up the tiktok and hung out, played some stardew valley, ya know. I talked with my mom for a little bit and we ate together and I struggled to not eat the rest of the girl scout cookies dad bought yesterday. I was just chilling in my room when my sister walked in with a letter from ball state talking about tuition costs, and I made the mistake of showing my dad which stressed him out on his day off which I feel kinda bad about. but then he kept giving me lists of stuff to do and kept telling me; in the kitchen, in the living room, standing in my doorway- it sucked. instead of doing something productive I listened to tally hall and put on 5 asmr videos at once to block out everything I possibly could and I just laid like that for a while until I could move again. my brother texted me and i watched a video about the dorm I'm staying in and DAMN IT LOOKS SO NICE?? its a new building with fully stocked maker spaces and a kitchen and semi-private bathrooms and communal spaces that remind me of my high school and a really clean and tidy laundry room. I think I'll like living there, but tbh lately I've been stressed and hesitant about college. I know it’ll be a great time and I'll learn a lot but I cant help it. idk man. but I did spend some time checking off stuff for the to-do list they sent in the mail. I don't understand the proxy but I promise I'll do it soon. I also set up a time/date for my drivers license test which I do not feel ready for AT ALL but hey we still have a week and a halfish. I also need to tally up my driving hours which is hard because I didn't consistently write them down :x oops. I'm pretty dang sure I have enough, I just have to fudge the exact times. that's another thing I was supposed to do today. ugh god I'm thinking too much about college tuition. maybe if I can funnel my energy away from stardew and back into fursuit making, I can make some decent money off of that. I just need to order a couple furs but the long white shag is out of stock right now. it’s never in stock tho which fuckin sucks. bleh I have too many things happening at once, and on top of all this I feel like a lazy shithead disappointment of a child because I just bum around the house all the time while all my friends are working full time or doing school or both and fhdgfdsflgjs shit sucks :( I think I'll get some good pictures of my brown puffy paws and try to pawn them off, maybe sell one of my mostly-finished fursuit heads as a fixer upper and throw in her unfinished paw and the fabric I used for it if I can find it. for now I just dont want to think about it and play stardew valley or something instead. I was gonna say maybe I’ll play Webkinz but it brings me a little sense of dread because I feel bad for not playing daily but when I do it feels like a chore. ughhhhh why do I have to throw myself into things 100% for a while and then give up on them? oh right its the mental illness. fuck. maybe some of this is just from being awake for almost 24 hours now. but does it even count if most of that time is laying in bed concerting energy anyway? I found out during highschoolI can pull an all nighter mostly unscathed as long as I'm laying down in bed while I do it. Ifeel guilty about not using my desk or cleaning my room or having mom spend all this time money and effort to try and make my room nice but instead I still do everything in bed. fuck. I wished I could have talked with my friend about feeling left behind and unproductive since school let out but it turns out she’s been working full time so I really am a slacker and dragging behind everyone else. why the fuck am I like this I hate it here why do I have to go through life with unmedicated adhd. godamnit this is all gonna be irrelevant in like 5 minuted when I fuck off and watch youtube to forget about it anyway so who cares. I didnt mean for my daily report to turn into a vent, sorry

[ladyoftheshrimp]

I Want You To Want Me

This is for the amazingly wonderful @auroargraves. Happy birthday my sweetest ray of sunshine, hope you have an incredible day!

The story was inspired by this song.

Throughout his life Percival had thought that he just wasn’t made for love. Nobody ever stuck by him, his lifestyle too linear and too dedicated to his work. There wasn’t anyone who could keep up with him, who would wait long hours at home when he got caught up in paperwork and forgot to cancel date night. Percival thought that it was probably for the best. He didn’t need anyone to make his life complete, he didn’t have room in his life for anyone outside of his work. There were flings, potential romances that fizzled out after one too many nights at the office, a few too many close calls where his aurors walked home but he was laid up in hospital. But that was his job, to protect and to serve. If someone couldn’t appreciate that then they weren’t compatible. Percival needed his job to feel whole.

Of course Percival wasn’t dumb. He saw the looks Newt gave him, the small gestures and the build up to their little coffee dates. Newt seemed to tolerate his dedication to his job. He never chastised Percival for missing a date, for risking his life out in the field. After all, the man too seemed dedicated to his job. They tried. Tried to make it work but after a few tentative months Percival could see Newt’s small frown when he got to a date an hour late because there was a report he wanted to read. He could see the way Newt stopped approaching him quite so often to have lunch together. Slowly they drifted apart, they saw each other in passing, in the hallways and they’d still smile albeit Newt’s would be tinged with sorrow. It was okay though, Percival thought, Newt shouldn’t have to wait around for him. Percival was a difficult man to love, an impossible man to love. It would have been nice if Newt could have coped with his lifestyle but it just wasn’t going to be the case.

There was no reason then why when Percival ventured out for lunch one day his heart should have given a painful thump when Senior Auror Weiss invited Newt out and the other man accepted with a shy smile. Weiss was a good choice for Newt, steadfast and sensible but with a flare of mischief that took years to curb. Percival hoped that they would be very happy together. He went about his lunch with his usual friendly nod and smile at Newt who blushed but followed Weiss out the door.

That evening Percival got home late, as usual. He waved his wand and a meal started cooking while he shrugged out of his coat, loosened his tie and put his shoes away. By the time he sat down at his table, tired, a bowl of simple pasta and tomato based sauce had floated over and sat steaming as it waited for him. Percival ate his meal in silence and his mind wandered. He was a solitary creature, one without habits as such because his work hours were so unpredictable. The oppressive silence of the house had never bothered him when he was younger. He needed the space to himself. Yet now, older, maybe a little wiser it just seemed empty. The rooms could be filled with knickknacks and mementoes, he had a whole folder of letters of thanks from people he’d helped save. But they didn’t fill the void that had inexplicably crept up on him. Against all odds perhaps he did want to be loved. It wasn’t something he admitted to himself often, and even when it did he usually shrugged it off.

The next morning he went to work and kept a careful watch. He wanted to find out why he was so unloveable that nobody could stick by him for more than a few months. It wasn’t for lack of trying on his part, he thought. He’d had flings that lasted a few sordid days of mindless sexual pleasure but some also stayed for a bit longer. Then there were those, like Newt, who he would gently woo over weeks until there was the frail beginnings of a relationship. Except nothing ever moved beyond that. There were ample enough interested people so it wasn’t that he was unattractive, it had to be something more than that. He was honest about his work, about how that was his main priority so that shouldn’t have been a surprise. There were no lingering secrets that lurked in the dark, he wasn’t an addict. Percival couldn’t fathom what it was about him that seemed to turn people away from him so much. So he experimented. On his way in he smiled more, asked how people were. It got him a few concerned looks but over all people seemed receptive to his approach. So he kept it up. Watched as people turned to him with friendly smiles and actually came to him with issues out of his remit as director.

A few weeks of this and he was having coffee with a few of the aurors on their break and laughing. It felt easy, it felt nice. Suddenly people wanted to be near him. They kept a certain amount of distance still because he was their boss but there was a difference.

“I’m glad you’re here boss. Was starting to think you were an automaton!” Delego laughed as he drained his coffee.

“An automaton?” Percival asked.

“Yeah, you know. Work crazy hours, stoic in the face of everything. Mr. I Have No Needs forever alone kind of guy.”

Percival tried to laugh it off but it got stuck in his throat. The group fell into an awkward silence as they watched him, fearful of reproach. That hurt almost as much. Eventually he huffed out a weak laugh.

“Well, I’m sorry if I disappointed.” he rinsed his cup and walked back to his office. At least he now had a probable answer to his question. The fault had been in him throughout it all and not the others. In retrospect he should have figured that would be the case, it wasn’t possible that everyone else was at fault and he was right. Not in the face of so many failed attempts at relationships. But now that he knew he needed to change he had another big question to worry about. How do you tell someone you’re ready to be loved? Because that was his big problem. He hadn’t wanted to be loved, to be cherished because it might have meant he was a lesser man for it. It was almost a weakness to admit he needed to be loved. That he needed anything. It was why nothing ever progressed beyond those first few sweet dates. Because Percival didn’t want to be taken for a weak, needy thing.

Over the course of the following few days Percival wracked his about how to make changes, make things right. How to make himself lovable. His mind strayed to Newt, how sad the man had looked on their last couple of outings, quietly resigned to coming second to Percival’s work. Priorities needed to be changed, Percival realised. His reports and paperwork would be there the next morning while his partner might not. The more he thought about it, the more he realised he wanted to feel wanted. Of course he was needed at work but it wasn’t the same. It wasn’t someone at home with him there purely because they enjoyed Percival’s company and wanted to share time with him. His mind kept straying back to Newt. Weiss hadn’t taken Newt out again since their first lunch date by the looks of things - perhaps they weren’t compatible either. Percival didn’t want to think about the possibility of Newt having found someone else. Not when he was ready to ask for forgiveness and another chance. The thought of begging Newt briefly flitted through his mind but he wanted to be loved, not pitied and tolerated. Begging was a whole new level he never wanted to sink to. The next day he went into work and his first stop was by Newt’s desk.

“Newt, would you like to get dinner tonight?” Percival asked, cutting straight to the chase. The other man looked up at him with a brittle smile.

“I’m not sure that’s a good idea Percival, but thank you for the offer.”

“Understood. I hope you have a nice evening with your partner.�� Percival nodded and willed his cheeks to stay their usual pale colour. He’d figured things out too late and Newt had found someone else already. Of course he would, he was kind, patient and actually knew how to love and be loved in return.

“Actually, I was going to spend the evening with Jacob, Queenie and Tina.” Newt clarified.

“Then…” Percival hoped that Newt would offer another night for them to try again.

“I don’t think I can spend another evening waiting for you. I’m sorry.” Newt said and picked up the permit he needed to file.

“Give me another chance? Prove to you that I can change.” There went Percival’s refusal to beg.

“But I don’t want you to change. I just. I wanted your attention. That’s all I wanted. But there’s only so many times I could realistically make myself stomp down the bitterness when paperwork won out over me once again. I’m sorry. I should have told you all this back then, not now. It’s irrelevant now.”

Percival stilled Newt with a hand on his arm.

“I’m sorry. I realise that now. I just hoped that perhaps you’d still be amenable to try again.”

“I need time.” Newt replied and pulled away. Percival stood rooted to the spot, his whole body heavy with rejection. Perhaps he really was better off by himself, unlovable after all these years alone. All the same, he wanted to make a change, wanted to see if there was happiness out there for him, even if it wasn’t with Newt by his side. So he continued to smile, to make time for other people. It seemed to work. Along with the easier, softer manners Percival found himself making other changes. No longer did he dress so formidable, his shirts weren’t so crips and white any more, he allowed more colour into his life. He even pulled out his brown leather shoes and shined them in place of his usual formal black ones. Over time he noticed people were so much warmer towards him, the invites for group drinks began to trickle through, people wanted to spend time with him. And on some of those nights he caught Newt’s eye before they both looked down to their drinks, embarrassed at being caught staring. The gentle ribbing was something new too. His colleagues picking up on his soft spot for Newt and the teasing became relentless. Oddly Percival welcomed it even if his heart broke a little each time he was reminded of his past mistakes and the potential happiness it cost him.

Somehow he’d become hung up on Newt. There was no logical reason for it and rationally he knew that Newt wasn’t his, probably never was. But it wasn’t possible for the brain to argue in the matters of the heart.

It wasn’t all fun and happiness now that Percival was actively trying to make himself more human. The lonely emptiness he went home to each night was a grim reminder that he was all alone and not getting any younger. After a restless night Percival was feeling flayed open and vulnerable as he made his way into work. There was a hubbub in the bullpen as people grinned and cheered. Newt was in the centre with a beaming Tina and Queenie. Percival’s stomach dropped even as he made his way over.

“I’m so happy for you!” O’Brien was saying and Percival wanted to turn around, head for his office and never come back out.

“Thank you. Tina is going to be my maid of honour. Newt’s Jacob’s best man.”

Oh. Percival’s clenched muscles loosened. When Newt’s eyes sought his out he even found it in himself to send him a small smile and a nod.

“Congratulations Queenie, that is wonderful news.” Percival said warmly and turned to his office. On one hand he was happy for Queenie, she had found the happiness she’d deserved. On the other hand he sank heavy into his chair and fought back his tears. He’d done everything he could to make himself open, approachable, loveable, and yet there was nobody who wanted him. The sniffle that accompanied the tears were wiped away. He didn’t have time to feel sorry for himself. It was unprofessional and utterly unworthy of someone in the position of director. A knock on his door had him straightening up and wiping his cheeks dry. Newt stuck his head round the door shyly and obviously balked at the sight of Percival with damp eyelashes and flushed cheeks.

“I could come back later.” he offered tentatively.

“It’s okay Newt, I always have time for you.” Percival replied and took a deep breath. He was okay, he could do this.

“Just before you started work, I wanted to ask something off the clock.” That got an eyebrow raise out of Percival. Before everything he’d been an absolute stickler for personal issues being discussed out of work hours. Work time was for work, personal issues were for the home and only the home.

“It’s okay. You can ask me anything whenever you need to.”

“In that case,” Newt cleared his throat, “was the offer of going out to dinner still available? I think. I think I’d like to take you out.”

Percival smiled broadly and nodded enthusiastically. It was something he very much wanted and until then he hadn’t realised how rarely he got what he actually desired outside of work.

That evening he was meant to meet Newt at 7 outside a small restaurant. By 5 Percival had put his things away and left the building promptly at 5:30 when all the other employees left too. Nobody commented on him leaving at a sensible time but a few people cast him surprised glances. At home Percival got ready for his date and in his eager anticipation to not keep Newt waiting he was loitering by the restaurant by 6:30. His hair wasn’t slicked back quite as severly as usual, his coat while still flashy didn’t give him the air of a bastion of solitude. Five minutes to 7 Newt arrived and he looked so surprised to see Percival there already.

“After you.” Percival opened the door for Newt and they headed in. The evening went by quickly, they were still friends, comfortable with each other but Newt seemed more relaxed now, his smile given more freely so much like when they first started going out for coffees. At the end of the evening Newt walked Percival home and they agreed on another evening out the following week.

Time passed by and Percival got into the habit of leaving work with everyone else. His reports waited patiently for him and the world didn’t end when he pushed deadlines back. His evenings with Newt grew in frequency and each time he showed up on time, sometimes with flowers, sometimes with an extra creature, Newt would look delighted.

Evenings at home became less oppressive when he knew that he would see Newt again the next day. Even better were the nights Newt came to visit him, bringing his suitcase along too. The best night though was the one when Newt stopped going back to his place and called Percival’s place home.

[cosmosogler]

hey, nerds!!! i’m still sick.

i had a whole lot of trouble getting up this morning. i was kinda late for class. i’m starting to realize that this professor is just really bad at lecturing. like, unfollowable. my classmates and i resolved to decipher the textbook ourselves and dig up some old undergrad notes to get started.

and i went to my other class and took notes and zoned out when i realized i knew all the stuff already. i made sure to write down at least the key words. 

me, soham, jennica, keegan, and harrison all went to get spaghetti lunch. i’m low on money (or i thought i was- something’s not right about the charges on my student account right now and i have to sort that out tomorrow) so i brought my own pasta salad and ate it with them on the lawn. it was... nice to not be starving? 

jennica started explaining my own jokes to me so i cut her off with a “YES!!! :)” and she stopped for about fifteen seconds. i don’t know how to say “stop doing that” other than saying “yes i know” or “yup!” or “THAT WAS THE JOKE, YES, THAT WAS IT RIGHT THERE”

because i don’t have a good sentence to describe what she is doing.

i got a few things done. i went to the extra class. i already know most of this stuff and one guy repeatedly slowed the lecture down with irrelevant questions so that was kind of irritating. 

it’s not just that the questions were irrelevant, because i can understand trying to link two concepts together. that’s fine. the problem was that the professor would say “no that’s not really in play here” and the guy would push it two or three more times and interrupt the professor and then the lecture would go nowhere because all you can say is “that’s just not what’s happening here.”

i biked home and neglected to make any dinner and got working on my script. it’s really coming together! i’m at the point where i am figuring out what i’m comfortable with taking out, and what i’m adding in is analysis and specific dialogue clips and background details. which doesn’t add to the length of the story, it’s just... the details of the story. i made sure i put all my scrapped ideas in a file where i can come back and doodle something about them if the main story gets kind of upsetting again and/or i just need a break from drawing the same landscape from different angles fifteen times.

i’ve also been combining scene prompts to make sure there’s enough going on during each page i gotta draw... and figuring out which game scenes i’ll need to either rearrange, add to, or just kinda... change. i don’t remember if i brought this up earlier but in the game the audience gets the benefit of the villains talking about a lot of stuff they should already know. the drawback is that they don’t go into the amount of detail i like in my stories. so i gotta repurpose some stuff and i hope my audience doesn’t mind too much.

i’ll try to find a few more things to take out. i feel like i’m rubbing up against “all of this is pretty important now” territory at least. the length of my story notes document is starting to be mostly because i have a lot of details i need to put into some pages or reminders i want to leave myself for later.

i did force myself to eat some oatmeal for dinner. one of those instant cups. it helped. i set a reminder telling me to “go the f to sleep” so i should probably do that. i gotta teach my first two sections of lab for the semester tomorrow.

must... try to leave....... my music......................

[lisacongo2-blog]

‘Shrill’ Shreds Hollywood Stereotypes About How Women of Size Eat

The first time you see Annie, the protagonist of the new Hulu show Shrill, eating, her meal doesn’t look particularly pleasant. Played by SNL cast member Aidy Bryant, Annie grabs a plastic container from the fridge, opening it to reveal three white disks — supposedly pancakes — from a Tupperware labeled “Thin Menu.” While standing in her kitchen, she tries to break off a slab, puts it in her mouth, and wrinkles her nose in disgust. Her roommate, Fran (played by Lolly Adefope), walks by to witness the three doughy pucks, and says, “Good God.”

It’s not the only time Annie eats in her kitchen. Later in the series, Bryant opens a sealed container of leftover spaghetti, standing alone over an island near the sink. She twirls noodles around her fork, grinning in anticipation. She looks confident, blissed out, holding her hand under her chin as a noodle inches toward her lips. She scrunches her eyebrows and crinkles her nose, the perfect opposite of her look of disgust eating the Thin Meal pancakes. She nods and smiles while chewing, enjoying the moment.

The annals of TV are full of stories where women change themselves, from Mad Men’s Peggy Olsen to Eleanor Shellstrop in The Good Place. But Shrill, the six-episode adaptation of writer Lindy West’s memoir of the same name, is a different kind of “transformation” story, starring a woman of size. The show tells the story of Annie, a Portland-based calendar editor for an alt-weekly newspaper, trying to jump start her career, earn the love of Ryan, a painfully oblivious loser, and become a more honest, self-assured person. What Shrill is not is a story of body transformation, of a fat woman getting thin. Although it shows Annie eating diet meals and exercising with her mother, her real goal goes beyond the universal challenge of self-acceptance — she wants to feel powerful, as a woman of size and simply as a woman. She wants to demand respect from the people around her.

Those people often fat-shame Annie, whether it’s her obsessive online troll, her perpetually sneering editor, or an invasive personal trainer who eventually devolves into calling her a “fat bitch.” Still, Annie’s relationship with her body is more nuanced. Her insecurities are more often portrayed in physical details or unspoken interpersonal choices she makes because she feels that, in her words, “there’s a certain way that your body’s supposed to be and I’m not that.”

In media where a woman’s relationship with her body plays its own role, the eating scenes are telling. There are countless movies in which women devour ice cream during break-ups or lonely moments. And for years, when a person of size ate on screen, it was portrayed as comic relief, from Melissa McCarthy consuming a napkin in Spy to a cross-dressing Chris Farley on Saturday Night Live inhaling his friend’s french fries while asking, “Can I have some?”

Even in shows and movies celebrated for their representations of non-normative bodies, eating is reserved for emotional distress. In HBO’s Girls, Hannah Horvath (played by Lena Dunham) is often caught eating during low moments, like when she eats cake with her hands after her purse is stolen on the train. In Real Women Have Curves, it takes a conflict with her mother to get the protagonist, Ana (America Ferrera), to eat a bite of flan in a moment of overall positive defiance. Rarely do women of size get the opportunity to eat happily on screen without some tumult, some churning emotional hang-ups or interpersonal conflict. The exception, of course, is when people of size are shot eating healthy foods, like when the contestants on The Biggest Loser marvel over turkey burgers. But if a not-thin character is caught eating a cupcake, the audience is meant to laugh or cry at their expense.

When Annie eats so-called “indulgent” foods in Shrill, she’s not considered a failure, and it’s not used as a comic device. Instead, it’s often tied to a moment of personal or thematic triumph completely unrelated to her weight. By simply showing Annie eating the foods countless people love in a way that’s empowering, Shrill reinforces the idea that people, regardless of size, have the right to enjoy food in its entirety — not just salads and apples and other pious things, but rather the foods that are seen as permissibly comforting and luxurious for people of a smaller size. Like last year’s hit culinary travel show Salt, Fat, Acid, Heat, Hulu’s new series rewrites the rules for who gets to enjoy food on television.

Annie isn’t the only big millennial woman eating spaghetti on TV. In a scene on Girls, Hannah grabs handfuls of noodles from a takeout box, dangling them into her open mouth. There is an element of watching this scene that feels relatable, especially for anyone who lives alone, but nothing about that moment is sexy or empowering. At its best, it’s a moment of comic relief born out of universality; at its worst, it’s Dunham’s self-ridiculing humor shaming herself — and other women — for eating without control while not thin.

This is far from the only moment when a woman eating sugary, greasy, and otherwise “bad” foods on television works as a boiler-plate scene representing rock bottom. In her essay “Why is it sad and lonely women who turn to chocolate?” Telegraph culture writer Rebecca Hawkes recalls similar moments in romantic comedies, like when Renee Zellweger devours chocolates under a blanket in Bridget Jones’s Diary, or when Sandra Bullock turns to ice cream in Miss Congeniality. “When you look at the trope in more detail, the implication is that eating chocolate is something ‘naughty,’” she writes. “It’s something that (calorie-counting, figure-obsessed) women shouldn’t be doing, but can’t help resorting to in moments of extreme trauma — or simply due to a comedic lack of discipline.” In her essay, Hawkes also brings up another classic plus-sized person comically shamed and punished for their gluttony: Augustus Gloop, the rotund little boy in Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory, presumably killed for wanting to eat some of the chocolate in a literal river of chocolate — as if anyone wouldn’t.

Ryan (Luka Jones) and Annie (Aidy Bryant)

Photo: Allyson Riggs/Shrill

But still, beyond little boys, beyond thin ladies, it’s plus-size women whose eating is most often used as a thematic example of a psychological and/or personal failure, whether it’s comical or supposedly tragic. “With any overweight, unruly woman, there’s always a tendency to pathologize their relationship with food,” says Kathleen Rowe Karlyn, author of The Unruly Woman: Gender and the Genres of Laughter. “[For] women who dive in to the quart of ice cream or the box of chocolate, food is a source of comfort because life is not giving them other types of comfort.”

If women get fat as a plot device, they’re often shown eating something like pizza, ice cream, chocolate, or other sweets — take, for example, Goldie Hawn gorging herself on frosting post-breakup in Death Becomes Her. If a character appears to get them out of a slump, a chicken wing might be yanked out of their hands. And they won’t reach personal fulfillment until they’re skinny again. Meanwhile, women who are thin and confident — whether it’s Drew Barrymore in Charlie’s Angels, or the titular Gilmore Girls — are free to eat as much as they please, to the delight of all who watch them.

Annie didn’t originally eat the spaghetti. It was made by Fran’s brother, Lamar (Akemnji Ndifornyen), who spends the third episode, “Pencil,” visiting his sister and her roommate. For most of the first few episodes, Annie is busy obsessing over a man (Luka Jones) who is so embarrassed by her that he sends her out the back door of his apartment so his roommates can’t see her. On their first date, she eats a salad. When she arrives home after Ryan has stood her up, Lamar and Fran offer her the spaghetti. She turns it down.

Lamar, a chef, spends the episode quietly fawning over Annie. When he arrives, he gives her a box of chocolate turtles, an elaborate reference to a memory from their past. He lights up when she enters the room. And later, when she comes back after choosing not to see Ryan, he admits that he likes her, and that he always did. After they have sex, Annie tiptoes downstairs to the kitchen, where she finds the pasta he made. The scene is romantic and almost sexy, in a totally subtle, maybe even unintentional way. He didn’t make the pasta for her, specifically, but it was made by him.

But beyond the romantic arc of Annie and Lamar, the scene’s impact comes directly from what it means for her, in her path to self-respect: she’s giving herself what she wants and deserves, on her own terms. And the bewildered delight in her face as she eats is so contagiously joyful that the context of her weight becomes irrelevant.

Annie (Aidy Bryant) and Lamar (Akemnji Ndifornyen).

Photo by: Allyson Riggs/Shrill

Beyond the men in her life, one of Annie’s most fraught relationships is with her mother, Vera (played by Julia Sweeney), who’s responsible for the Thin Menu meals. During a pivotal rant, when Annie describes the ways the people around her have made her size seem like a moral failing, she says, “At this point, I could be a licensed fucking nutritionist because I’ve literally been training for it since the fourth grade, which is the first time that my mom said that I should just eat a bowl of Special K and not the dinner that she made for everyone else so I might be a little bit smaller.” One of Annie’s most significant plot developments with her mother, when she pushes back against her health policing, starts with a meal of meatball subs with her father. And when the season ends, we leave Vera lying on the ground with a bag of chips, suggesting that Annie’s number one advice giver also needs respite from controlling everything.

“Whether they’re very curvy like Mae West or they’re slender, I think what we haven’t seen in a long time is the ability of women just to be seen enjoying food,” Karlyn says. “Food is enjoyable (to women), not because they’re neurotic, not because they’re crazy, not because they’re sex-obsessed, just because food is a natural pleasure of life.” That’s how Shrill treats food, but also most of life’s joys: dancing at a party, swimming in a pool, having sex, being honest. Counter to the ways television and movies have previously presented plus-size women, as victims of their own lack of self-control, Shrill shows how restrictive life as a plus-size woman can be, and how often that’s a direct result of their self control. Shrill seems to be advocating for more self-designated freedom for women of size — the freedom to live with abandon. As Annie says, lying in bed and taking charge, “I’ve got big titties and a fat ass — I make the rules.”

Brooke Jackson-Glidden is the editor of Eater Portland. Edited by: Greg Morabito

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Source: https://www.eater.com/2019/3/28/18284128/shrill-hulu-aidy-bryant-food-eating

[maddielivesinbooks]

Well folks I’m back, and I have something to say: I am a flop, and this reading blog is proof of that. For Spring Break, I challenged myself to read six books in week. It did not go well. So, without any further ado, here is my Week In Reading #2.

Monday, April 1

Happy April Fool’s! Today I read a whole book! Just kidding! April Fool’s. I forgot to take note of anything I read today. Mainly because I barely read anything. Let’s recap the day.

11:00 AM: I sleep in because I have no plans for the day. When I get out of bed, I begin to look for food and decided that for breakfast I need to make cheesy pasta dish. Maybe I’ll turn on the audiobook I have, Bowlaway by Elizabeth McCracken. Ha! Why would I do that? It’s not like it’s one of my most anticipated books of the year! I listen to podcasts, despite the fact that this book is due in four days and there are nine people waiting for it.

12:00 PM: My food wasn’t that good and I kind of feel sick. Naturally, I nap and sort of listen to Bowlaway. What’s it about, you ask? To that I say, um I don’t know, bowling? I like it, and the writing is super nice and pretty but the plot is kind of lost on me.

3:00 PM: After hours of doing nothing, I finally pick up a book, The Dream Thieves by Maggie Stiefvater. You know one, the book I have been working on for two weeks, even though I’ve already read it twice. That good news is, it’s very good and I think I’ll finish it. The bad news is, I don’t think that’ll happen now because my cat has appeared on my lap and is munching on the pages and getting hair all over it.

5:00 PM: I did it! I finished the book. I loved it. Just like I did when I read it April of 2017, and February of 2018. Now I should probably read something new, like one of the seven library books I brought home with me for spring break.

6:00 PM: I listen to Bowlaway while on the treadmill. I still don’t get what’s happening.

Bedtime PM: What the heck did I do all night? I don’t know. Eat, probably. Listen to podcasts, probably.  Bother my cat, probably. Not listen to Bowlaway, probably.

  Tuesday April 2

10:AM: Good morning fans and haters! Today I am going to be productive. I am going to read, I am going to exercise, I am going to cook, I am going read. I start the day scrambling eggs, and you guessed it, listening to podcasts. Bowlaway? I don’t know her.

I also go to my grandma’s to do some cleaning. While there, I listen to my audiobook for about five minutes, before deciding it would be better to listen to a podcast. Whose surprised? Not me.

1:00 PM: Once home, I start another book, We Set The Dark On Fire by. I’ve been anticipating this book for a while, so I’m actually excited to read it. I’m hooked immediately. The story is action packed, and the world is compelling. I pretty much figure out who the love interest is right when they first appear, and I’m super into this f/f romance.

2:00 PM: I turn on Bowlaway and fall asleep.

4:00 PM: I read more of We Set the Dark, and actually get through a big chunk of it. It’s not my favorite thing, but it’s quick and easy.

5:00 PM: Its dinner time, and I volunteer to cook. My family is big into healthy eating, so I make a Shepherd’s Pie with ground turkey and mashed cauliflower. I don’t know why I’m including this, maybe just to brag, because I can assure you that all I did while cooking was listen to podcasts.

Bedtime PM: Once again, I do not know what I did all night. I read a lot of my book, and listened to Bowlaway. I really need to hurry up with this audiobook because its due on Friday and I am only four hours in. Despite not knowing what’s happening, I actually dig it. I mean, there’s a character named Louetta Mood! Incredible.

Wednesday April 3

8:AM-9:PM: I wake up, feeling like death warmed over. Apparently, my body is weak and lets in whatever germs it wants. Unfortunately, I have dedicated myself to spending the day with my grandmother. We shop and get lunch, and after I almost lay down and take nap on the floor of Kohl’s, we go to the walk-in.

We head home late in the afternoon, and I’m armed with tissues, nasal spray and a venti green tea. Even though I just want to sleep, I try to read my book, and listen to Bowlaway. Only *spoiler alert* when you are feeling feverish, a book about bowling and the Great Molasses Flood isn’t actually ideal. I watch Bob’s Burgers instead.

Thursday April 4

10:00 AM: After a good night’s sleep, several doses of nasal spray and enough Dayquil to make me forget what happened on last night’s Survivor, I am feeling a little better. In fact, I finish We Set The Dark On Fire in the morning. And I’m super conflicted. It follows our main character, Dani, after she graduates a school that trains women to be wives and marries a power-hungry military man. She becomes a spy for a resistance group, and the story continues from there. I liked a lot of it, mainly the fast pace, the parallels to our modern border crisis, and especially the incredible hate-to-love lesbian romance. That being said, I didn’t find this super memorable, and thought the characters were one dimensional. Its a solid three star read.

1:00 PM: I am now confronted with the fact that Bowlaway is due tomorrow and I am just over halfway through it. I try to buckle down. I turn it on 2x speed and listen to it while I do chores, eat lunch and hang out with my cat. The thing is, it’s not keeping my interest. The two characters I like best, Louetta Mood and Joe Ware are being featured less and less. I’m having trouble following the plot lines and family connections. Still, I like it enough, and I’ve gotten this far.

3:00 PM: I give up on the audiobook. I know, I’m a loser, but I vow to get back to it, and all of my two fans must hold me accountable. I reach for Summer of Salt by Katrina Leno instead, and though I am only one chapter in, I adore it. It follows twins Georgina and Mary, who come from a line of magical women. They’re family runs an inn on the island of By-the-Sea, also home to Annabel, a rare bird.

6:00 PM: Summer of Salt might be my favorite read of the year.

7:00 PM: Summer of Salt has a cute lesbian romance and an adorable, socially awkward boy who loves birds.

9:00 PM: Summer of Salt discusses rape culture in a smart and beautiful way. Please read Summer of Salt, even though I am not even finished with it yet.

Friday April 5

10:00 AM-3:00 PM: Here’s the thing: I don’t really know what I do all morning and afternoon. I read, but I don’t keep track. I mourn the loss of Bowlaway, which has been returned. My Brother, My Brother, and Me plays all day long.

3:00 PM: My evening plans are thrilling. My cousins and I are ordering Cracker Barrel take-out (we can’t go in because one of us has beef with our local old country store). We’re going to eat and play games. I am genuinely excited.

We get the largest take-out bag I have ever seen, and feast on biscuits and hashbrown casserole and Coca-Cola cake. I don’t read, so this is all irrelevant. Just wanted to remind everyone that Cracker Barrel really hits the spot sometimes (sponsor me).

10:00 PM: This is around the time I get home, and I don’t read before bed. Just sleep. Bye.

Saturday April 6

9:00 AM: Today, I have a lot of plans that don’t include reading. I have to get some groceries to take back to school with me, meet up with some friends to get our nails done, and then we’re getting lunch. So, no reading.

4:00 PM: It’s almost time to read! First I decided to take some pictures for Instagram and for this blog. I get out my whole Raven Boys collection and my current read and throw them on the nice, fluffy rug in my parents house. The pictures are looking okay, but they’re nothing special. Guess who shows up to save the photoshoot? That’s right, its Tickles the cat!

She loves to read! These pictures are proof that my cat read more than me this week. Also, her favorite Raven Cycle character is Ronan. She wishes she was as tough as him.

5:30 PM: I’m reading now! Y’all, Summer of Salt is wonderful. I’m putting off finishing it because I am not ready to leave these characters and their island and their bird. Also, I am in love with Harrison. Deeply.

6:30 PM: Okay I stopped reading but for good reason. This book inspired to just pick up my laptop and start a play about a boy whose baked goods are magical. Yay!

7:30 PM: My laptop freezes. I’m not sure my work is saved. Its annoying, but I still have my ideas saved away in my head. Also, I need to pack to go back to school tomorrow.

9:00 PM: Packing is quicker than expected, but the bad news is, I am a trash person who decided to turn on American freakin Idol instead of reading. Sorry, I have a weakness for cute, singing boys (looking at you, Walker. Vote for him and Jeremiah!).

10:30 PM: Its bedtime. My book is not finished, but I sure am. Boy is it draining to get your nails done and eat enchiladas and cry at boys on American Idol.

Sunday April 7

I don’t read a single thing today because I was too busy at church. I love the Lord. Christ has died. Christ has risen. Christ will come again, and so will my interest in reading.

I also head back to school and do not read because it makes me carsick. Tragic.

The end

I am a flop. Sure, I finished two books, but I was already like ¾ of the way through one of them. Also, I let Bowlaway go without even putting up a fight. But let’s focus on the positives.

I recovered from my 55th cold of 2019

I ate enchiladas

I ate everything from Cracker Barrel

My cat is cute

Thanks for reading! Add me on Goodreads, follow me on Instagram and Twitter!

P.S I finished Summer of Salt on Monday and loved it. Also this is incredibly late because COLLEGE GETS BUSY SOMETIMES.

Breaking: Local Idiot Fails Her Own Challenge|Reading Blog #2 Well folks I’m back, and I have something to say: I am a flop, and this reading blog is proof of that.

[situations-are-irrelevant-now]

Answer all 100 questions!✨

Ayyyy okay! Thank you 😄1.Is a kiss considered cheating?Yes.2.Have you ever faked orgasm?Haven't we all at least once?!3.If you could have one superpower, what would it be?Travel through time.4.Do you think you are going to be rich in 7-8-9 years?Not likely.5.Tell us some funny drunk story.Oh god. I have so many. They're stories for another time because they're too long 😂6.Why are you no longer together with your ex?Things just didn't work out.7.If you had to choose one way to die, what would it be? Natural causes or like a quick death.8.What are your current goals?Honestly just to be healthier mentally and physically.9.Do you like someone?My girlfriend ☺️10.Who was the last person to disappoint you?Myself I think (OooOooOoO deep)11.Do you like your body?Mostly yes ☺️12.Can you keep a diet?God no.13.If the whole world listened to you right now, what would you say?Look after animals properly, they don't have a voice to tell you how they're feeling, they're so innocent, give them lots of love and care. Adopt don't shop.14.Do you work?Nope.15.If you could choose only one food to eat to the rest of your life, what would it be?Pasta.16.Would you get a tattoo?I already have 12.17.Something you don’t mind spending all your money on?Food, tattoos, friends, family, girlfriend.18.Can you drive?Nah.19.When was the last time someone told you you were beautiful?A day or two ago. 😊20.What was the last thing you cried for?My fuckin' hormones made me cry for no reason 😂😂21.Do you keep a journal?On and off yeah.22.Is life fun?It's pretty lit most of the time. 23.Is farting in front of people irrelevant?Depends on who it is.24.What’s your dream car?Convertible.25.Are grades in school important?God no.26.Describe your crush.My girlfriend @cobain-kurt27.What was the last book/movie that really impressed you?Looking for Alaska and basically any horror classics.28.What was your last lie?I don't generally lie to people so idk.29.Dumbest lie you ever told? One time when I was 8 I said "fucking bitch" and a friend tried to run to my house to tell my mam and I cried and wouldn't let them in my garden, then when I was like 11, I went to my mam crying and told her I lied about not saying bad words and she laughed at me and told me to go away 😂30.Is crying in front of people embarrassing?Only if it's someone I don't know well.31.Something you did and you are proud of?Uhm one time I ate 3 take aways in one day, I guess that's something right? 32.What’s your favourite cocktail?Purple Rain from TGI Fridays ❤️33.Something you are good at?HAHAHAHA. I don't really have a skill, I guess socialising? 34.Do you like small kids?If they're well behaved sure, if they're spoilt brats then ew g'way.35.How are you feeling right now?Im alright. Could be better, could be worse.36.What would you name your daughter/son?I've always like the name Sarah, I used to use that name in all the games I played as a kid, for a boy I like the names Ryan and Conor.37.What do you need to be happy?To surround myself in people who care about me.38.Is there some you want to punch in the face right now?Ah there's always at least one.39.What was the last gift you received?Food ❤️40.What was the last gift you gave?Also food 😂41.What was the last concert you went to?Avenged Sevenfold.42.Favourite place to shop at?H&m and Topshop.43.Who inspires you?My mam.44.How old were you when you first got drunk?15.45.How old were you when you first got high?16.46.How old were you when you first had sex?15.47.When was your first kiss?2013 at a Pierce The Veil concert.48.Something you want to do until the end of this year?Sesh and travel.49.Is there something in the past you wish you hadn’t done?The choices I made made me happy and I wanted at the time, so nah.50.Post a selfie.I'll post one later.51.Who are you most comfortable around?My girlfriend and my close friends.52.Name one thing that terrifies you.Losing the people I care about.53.What kind of books do you read?Romance, mystery, supernatural kinda books.54.What would you tell your 12 year old self?M8 you is gay. Stop being so loud and annoying. You're gonna find good friends don't worry, don't be a push over.55.What is your favourite flower?Rose (cliche I know lmao)56.Any bad habits you have?I over think, talk a little too loudly without noticing, interrupting people while talking (I don't mean to I just get excited) I'm stubborn.57.What kind of people are you attracted to?Cocky, forward, confident kinda personality.58.What was the last thing you cried for?There was no reason for it, just hormones and over thinking.59.Is there something you don’t eat? Some food that truly disgust you?Fish, squid, lamb, turkey.60.Are you in love?Yes.61.Something you find romantic?Just putting in an effort to show how much you love your parter is enough 😊 62.How long was your longest relationship? 2 years and 8 months.63.What are 3 things that irritate you about the same sex?Girls can be so nasty towards eachother, not much else tbh.64.What are 3 things that irritate you about the opposite sex? Sometimes they just can't take no for an answer, when they put their hands down their trousers ew, and when they're like "hmm lesbian? I can turn you" UGH.65.What are you saving money for?Tattoo.66.How would you describe your bad side?When I get angry I can switch off feelings completely and be really cold.67.Are you actually a good person? Why?I think so. I try my best to care for others.68.What are you living for?The people I love, mainly my cat.69.Have you ever done anything illegal?Yas.70.Do you like your body?Didn't I already answer this? 71.Have you ever made someone feel bad about themselves intentionally?Nope.72.Ever sent nudes?Yep.73.Have you ever cheated on someone?Nope.74.Favourite candy?ANY CANDY IS MY FAVOURITE CANDY. Probably red liquorice though.75.Is there a blog you visit every day, or almost every day? Tag it!Nope. 😂76.Do you play any computer games? What is your favourite game?Nah but I play PS4. I like Little Nightmare, Crash Bandicoot, Layers Of Fear, Mirrors Edge, Life Is Strange, Until Dawn, Beyond Two Souls, Heavy Rain etc.77.Favourite TV series?I have too many omg. Black Mirror, OITNB, Pretty Little Liars, Gilmore Girls, AHS.78.Are you religious? Does God exist? Nope and nopeee.79.What was the last book you read? Did it impress you and why?It's been a while since I've read, I don't remember.80.What do you think about vegetarianism/veganism?It's g, people can choose eat what they want. 81.How long have you been on Tumblr?Like 2010.82.Do you like Chineese food?HELL YEAHHH!83.McDonalds or Subway?McDonalds.84.Vodka or whiskey?Whiskey. 85.Alcohol or drugs?Alcohol.86.Ever been out of your province/state/country?Yas.87.Meaning behind your blog name?It's lyrics from Escape The Fate - Situations (Emo I know, but I will never give up the URL heheheh)88.What are you scared of?Everyone I love leaving me, a painful death, dying young because of CF.89.Last time you were insulted?Ayyy I insult myself all the time 🤙🏻90.Most traumatic experience ?When a friend of mine had died and I never got to say goodbye to her properly, or even get to go to a funeral for closure.91.Perfect date idea? Literally anything, I'm happy as long as I'm with the person and having fun ^.^ 92.Favourite app on your phone?I don't have a favourite.93.What colour are the walls in your room?Cream94.Do you watch Youtube? Who is your favourite youtuber? Yeah, GloomGames, Idubbbz, Jenna Marbles and her boyfriend Julien.95.Share your favourite quotes."I won't die defeated" "at some point you just gotta pull off the band-aid, and it hurts but then it's over and you're relieved" "I will love myself despite the ease with which I lean toward the opposite" "seize the day or die regretting the time you lost"96.What is the meaning of life?42.97.Do you like horror movies?YASSSSS!!!!98.Have you ever made your mum cry? What happened?Nope.99.Do you feel lucky or special in a way?I'm lucky to have such amazing people around me who care and look after me when I need it ❤️100.Can you keep a secret?Generally yas.

[chellum]

(I’m writing this on the 9th April because when I tried to post this on the 5th April my app crashes 2 times and the other days were either stressful or I was awake for to long and to tired to write, sorry!) Hello again! Today wasn’t really exited. Because our teachers were on an advanced training we had a free day. Some students who have maths or social sciences in their Abitur had class but as i know it was voluntary and because I don’t have any of these in my Abitur I had a completely free day! I have to say that I first was a bit disappointed about the free day because of that we only had 3 days for our mottoweek but as I woke up in the morning I realized that I kind of needed a free day. Maybe you know that feeling on free days within the week. I can’t explain but for me the weekend isn’t relaxing as a free day in the schoolweek. After I woke up my grandma, my sister and my uncle drove to an industrial selling for hygienic and washing stuff. I stayed at home and did some laundry and also some work in the household. After I finished the work I watched some YouTube videos until my grandma and the rest arrived at home again. They brought me some stuff as you can see in the second picture. The Creme shower smells so good. I helped to unpack the bags. After I emptied the bags I ate this beautiful pasta pizza. I freaking love this pizza. For me it is a present of the heaven. So if you can buy this in your country - TASTE IT! <3 Then I return to watch more YouTube videos. If you understand German I want to recommend the first 10minutes of this video: https://youtu.be/_CUTG17gRv4 It’s a minecraft let’s play of the most famous let’s player of Germany: Gronkh! I follow this man for about 5 or 6 years and I really like him. He’s like a father for his viewer and has a really good sense of humor. So in this episode of his minecraft let’s play he talks about his political opinion and especially about refugees. It’s been a long time I watched a video of him but because I’m really interested on his political opinion I clicked on the video (but I don’t only watched the first 10 minutes. I watched the whole video because besides the political message it was really funny too!). To put his opinion in a nut shell, he said that he knows that there are bad people among the refugees but he explained that there are also bad people in Germany. I think one quote talks for itself:“But it is irrelevant if you’re an refugee or not, ‘cause assholes are found everywhere! (…) Assholes or the 'assholeness’ is international.. that’s a matter that proves that we’re all humans because to be an asshole isn’t a question of religion, isn’t a question of nationality, but only a question of being an asshole, 'cause we’re all humans!” (I tried to translate it in Englisch) The video was 30 minutes long so after it I went out with the dog. She wanted to play in the field and during the play she scratched my hands a bit. In the evening I did some more work for our abi-magazin. Before I went to the bed I had a shower. I was almost in bed when I realized that there was something missing for my costume for the next theme day. After an abortive search I decided to sew it by myself. And I have to say for a person like me that can’t sew or have any handcrafting skills it went quite good. You will see the result in the next diary. That was all for this day. Bye! :)

[shelbeymurphy-blog]

Day 4 - February 27th, 2020

TODAY I AM HALF WAY!!! If you cannot tell, I am excited today. Hitting the half way point today has given me another push to complete the challenge. So far I have not cheated. I have not accepted any free food or snacked on all of the good things in my pantry (which I think may be a form of torture). 

If you read my post yesterday, you know I had quite the day. I am glad to say that today is a million times better. I woke up this morning again feeling quite drowsy and still tired but I forced myself out of bed, had a cold glass of water and was ready to go. 

BREAKFAST - 08:30

Today, on my morning stroll through instagram I discovered that it is national toast day. This super irrelevant and small fact somehow made me a little more excited to eat my plain toast. 

LUNCH - 12:30

Today lunch gave me lots of energy and I finished lots of homework afterwards. I found the pasta for lunch was a really great choice because I fills be up for a bit and it is my meal that has the most flavour. Therefore, because it has more flavour, it is the meal I have been looking forward to the most. 

I had a banana with my lunch and I have found that if I mix in a fruit with my meals that I feel way better. I enjoy having more of a balance to my meals and including more food groups. 

DINNER - 18:30

Tonight, my dinner tasted a lot better than it has every other day strictly due to the fact that a stranger in the hallway told me it smelled good (I know, for once a new photo background). Honestly, having someone else say that my dinner smelled appetizing to them made me more excited to eat it in a way. 

SNACKS - 20:00

When I got home from class around 8 o’clock I needed a snack so I ate my granola bar and an apple as pictured below. 

THOUGHTS

I apologize that I do not have more to say about each meal but because I did not give myself the option to change my meals I am running out of both complaints and good things about them. However, today was a really good day for me and I got a ton of work done. This definitely proves my theory that the busier I am, the less I think about food. 

One big change I have noticed throughout the week and I mentioned it before but I have been drinking way more water than usual. Today I filled up my water bottle at least 7 times and it holds 710 mL. That means I drank almost 5 L in one day. In thinking how lucky I am to be able to have this drinking water I started to think about how I cooked all of my food for this week using water in some way. I used a pot of water to boil my pasta, to make my rice, and to steam my vegetables. If I did not have clean or safe water to use to make my food I would have been without two of my main meals. 

In thinking about how much water I used in just one day I did some more research regarding the water crisis around the world. The World Health Organization (2020) states that in 2017, 2.2 billion people do not have clean drinking water. Out of that 2.2 billion, 435 million people are using water from unprotected wells and springs and 114 million people collect their water from untreated lakes, ponds, rivers and streams (World Health Organization, 2020). Furthermore, in our Global Health class we discussed communicable or contagious diseases that are water-related. The diseases include, but definitely are not limited to Cholera, E. Coli, and Norovirus (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 2016). I use water so mindlessly everyday and I am not sure that I could make it through this challenge if I could not drink water. I cannot imagine having to worry every time I go to fill up my water bottle or use water to cook that I might get sick or some kind of disease. 

Today I also meal prepped my lunches and dinners for the last three days of the challenge and I have to say this half will be much better. I was so worried about not having enough food to finish that I actually made my meals for the first half way smaller than they needed to be. In fact instead of making the three pasta lunches I had planned on making, I had enough to fill five medium sized containers. My dinners are also larger than they were in the first half and have way more vegetables that I originally thought I was going to have. Overall, I think the next half of this challenge will be easier than the first half (knock on wood). 

To read the World Health Organization’s factsheet on drinking-water: https://www.who.int/news-room/fact-sheets/detail/drinking-water

To look at the CDC’s website about Water-Related Diseases: https://www.cdc.gov/healthywater/disease/az.html

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Back in time to Mother’s Day, wow, that feels so long ago. What was it? 2 weeks? 1? Anyway, in the aftermath of REXTAB, I woke up at 10:30 as I had promised Kate the night previous, and dragged myself out of bed for an update, only to find Kate and Vron leaving for Jules’ soccer and Lindfield already.

I suppose I had already made it pretty clear that I didn’t want to go to Lindfield so early, but I had assumed that Kate would come with me (given that I often go out of my way to keep her company for trips because she doesn’t like being alone) but turns out she dislikes public transport so much, that she is willing to watch a 13-year-old’s soccer game in the dull drizzle outside and then spend a whole day in an Internet-less house. The bitterness is just me being ditched and a hint of jealousy that has continued in recent times at the realisation that with my absence in other social things and preoccupation at the hospital, Kate and Vron have probably become better friends than Kate and me. Also, Kate has been too caught up in stressing about all the things she has due to spend much time with me, so I feel like we haven’t had any nice interaction for a while. Lucky we pre-scheduled the massage for this Saturday, before things get distant and then she just leaves for New Zealand, but anyway, I digress.

They left, and I attempted to feed myself, but the kitchen was at a new level of filthy. I wasn’t about to clean it, because I was feeling generally spiteful and also because I had definitely been so absent during the week that I hadn’t had time to eat in that kitchen, so contributed about 0% of that mess. I cleared enough space to make 2minute Shin Ramyun noodles (the spicy Korean ones that are my favourite) and Marmite toast and then I rang mum (for a rant) to wish her Happy Mother’s Day. Nick was on the Leeuwin, a fancy boat that Christchurch takes him on to sail and learn physics and teamwork and things, so mum and dad had Mother’s Day all to themselves. Mum and I had a big talk about Veronica’s idiosyncrasies and how I could stop myself from getting so irritated because I don’t understand them, and Nick’s parent-teacher meeting, which obviously went well because he’s such a charmer, and then we got onto my ILP project, which mum is making a big deal about (turning it into a burden in my life I am not looking forward to). Things turned a bit sour, but I managed to squeeze in a discussion about potentially volunteering in a 3rd world country over the December holidays, to get in some work experience (in a country with less strict regulations, where I’ll be allowed to perform procedures and it will be useful) and then she remembered my lack of ability to drive and yelled at me about that so that we ended the call on a bad note. Very typical.

I was feeling very trashy by this point, and nobody was home to keep me company, so I had round 2 of 2minute noodles by eating the Mama tom yum ones I had stocked up and then I watched Grey’s Anatomy and ate Cadbury chocolate chip cookies and leftover Easter eggs and took a sneaky swig of Vron’s orange juice (out the bottle, ha) and had a packet of crisps. Just making myself as disgusting a human being as possible, really.

By now, it was late afternoon, and I didn’t want to turn up to Veronica’s house for dinner late, given I was already only turning up for dinner and not to spend time with her and Kate, so I did a quick hour’s work writing up List B for my Onc-Pall assignment which was due the next morning and then hopped onto the dreaded public transport for my trip to Lindfield. I did decide to wear my puffy grey Guess jacket which I got in New York, and it was extremely warm and so fluffy, really elevating the mood of my particularly average day (although I felt alright, I just knew it was from being a slob).

The train ride was uneventful, and I arrived around 6:15. Veronica was in the shower or doing her laundry or something, but I had a nice chat with Kate, Anna and Vron’s mum whilst her dad made beef Wellington – a specialty he creates every Mother’s Day. Both the dogs put their heads on my lap and fell asleep which was therapeutic and so, so cute. Everyone had a contentious discussion about Veronica wanting a dog – does she get a brand-new therapy dog, or does she take Charlie and Lola or just Lola, oh my goodness, so many decisions. I wasn’t really listening, to be honest, because the dog conversation has really tired me out recently – I’m a person who makes decisions and sticks to them, so if I want a dog, and I decide that it’s not too difficult to have one, I’ll just get one. I won’t suffer having multiple circular discussions about it and end up on no decision. So, I just cuddled the dogs and minded my own business, though I did throw in the suggestion of a rabbit or a guinea pig, that wasn’t taken too seriously (but I wasn’t being serious either, I ain’t cleaning no cages).

Dinner was huge, but really, really yummy and I felt bad for being the pig as usual and eating all the food (despite all the junk during the day) when everybody else picked at something or the other or left bits on their plate. I guess I never really was taught to leave anything on my plate and being in situations with people makes me nervous where I eat more, because I’m afraid people will think I’m not eating, which is stupid and irrelevant and not the stage of my life that I’m in anymore, but I think it’s a remnant of that. After beef Wellington were choco hot-o pies, which is basically a self-saucing chocolate pudding that we had at Veronica’s last time which is super rich and delicious (brilliant with vanilla ice cream to cut out the richness of consuming pure sugar and chocolate). I had mine early because I like it a bit gloopy, but everybody else heated theirs up further.

Afterwards, Kate and Vron were tired and anxious to go home, so we had a quick pat of the dogs and then headed. On the way to the house, they had a disaster, where the bonnet of Veronica’s car wasn’t secured properly, so it flipped up whilst they were in the middle of the road and they couldn’t see anything. I’m very proud of Veronica that she didn’t freak out and navigated everyone to safety, which just goes to show that honestly, she’s not as incapable as she believes she is (or her anxiety believes, I don’t really know how that all works). Anyway, Veronica’s mum dropped us home and I stayed up late finishing my assignment. I got it in at 11pm sharp, with minimal proofreading and giving myself huge leeway on the word count, but it was completed on time, and with minimal fuss. I watched a bit more Grey’s before bed which was nice.

So, that’s all I have for now, I am running super behind on updates, but this was the last long one I had planned, so it should jump back to the present very soon. I got out of hospital early today by literally running away because I was so tired and had a sleep at 4pm. I was too tired to go to the GHSC tonight, which is a big shame, and I was too tired to correctly estimate how much pasta I needed and ate 2 huge bowls so now I feel a bit sick. My diet has been crazy bad recently, but I’ll probably fix it up soon, idk. Tomorrow I must go to uni an hour earlier because my group project group prefer to wake up earlier than skip an SH lecture. Ridiculous. Anyway, that’s all for now, hopefully things are less weird in the house tomorrow as I’m cooking dinner – family dinner should fix things up. Okay, till next time 😊