#i actually look at my younger self with a certain amount of affection

[fairmoephelia]

pictures, personhood, and past “how long can you look at those photos until the person in them becomes completely divorced from the real thing? until you’re looking at something that doesn’t exist anymore?”

richard siken / mitski / jeanette winterson / car seat headrest / tumblruser angelcommunist / mitski / will wood / critical role, campaign two, episode 109

[image description: eight images of quotes and lyrics from different sources.

1. a quote highlighted in yellow that reads “how much can you change and get away with it, before you turn into someone else, before it’s some kind of murder?”

2. lyrics from why didn’t you stop me? by mitski that read “i look for a picture of you to keep in my pocket, but i can’t seem to find one where you look how i remember, look how i remember, look how i remember.”

3. a quote that reads “when we killed what we were to become what we are, what did we do with the bodies? we did what most people do; buried them under the floorboards and got used to the smell. i’ve lived my life like a serial killer; finish with one part, strangle it and move on to the next. life in neat little boxes is life in neat little coffins, the dead bodies of the past laid out side by side. i am discovering, now, in the late afternoon of the day, that the dead still speak.”

4. lyrics from the pre-chorus of destroyed by hippie powers by car seat headrest that read “what happened to that chubby little kid who smiled so much and loved the beach boys? what happened is i killed that fucker and i took his name and i got new glasses.”

5. a quote that reads “looking at old photos of myself thinking not only is that girl dead but i killed her.”

6. lyrics from the chorus of fireworks by mitski that read “and then, one warm summer night, i’ll hear fireworks outside and i’ll listen to the memories as they cry, cry, cry.”

7. lyrics from dr. sunshine is dead by will wood that read “all that i ask is keep those empty frames, if nobody’s in them, then no one is to blame. for your self-portraits, sign another name. well, who should i be then, if i’ll never be the same?”

8. an image of a transcript from critical role that reads “taliesin: well. we can make our best guesses, but you know, everybody’s haunted by who they were and who they thought they’d be.”

end id.]

[crapmagak]

Engage Drip Marketing: Framme

Well, looks like there’s no telling when these characters are gonna drop. Seems odd, but oh well. 

Today we get Framme, finishing up the starting Dragon Guardians. We’ve seen quite a bit of her already, so there isn’t too much information. Still worth checking out though. 

Again, these tweets were kindly translated by twitter user SatsumaFS

In her intro tweet…

Framme is a 33rd generation "Dragon Guardian", protecting the Divine Dragon in the Holy Land of Lythos. She is Clan's younger twin sister, and is more confident and energetic than him.

Then the cutscene tweet…

Framme's self-introduction. Although she's a Dragon Guardian, it seems that her admiration for Alear is more like the idolization from a fan than loyalty.

"I'm also a 33rd generation Dragon Guardian, Framme! I'm Clan's twin younger sister.

I've been waiting super long for you to wake up!"

She says "anata-sama"(あなた様) which is super respectful. Like Your Holiness or something if localizing.

In terms of first impressions, I was pretty indifferent at first. But now she’s reminding me of Mae from Echoes a bit, and she was one of my favorite characters. Still, not a fan of the whole “Alear fangirl” thing. I get that it makes sense in lore, but avatar worship always leaves a sour taste in my mouth. As such, she could very easily go the way of Edelgard for me. Hopefully she’ll have fun supports with other characters, though.

Other people noticed this earlier, but she and Clan seem to be the Cain and Abel of this game, at least in terms of colors. Personality wise, they remind me of this duo archetype in the older games; the young, mild mannered, and male mage, and his more upbeat, outgoing, female counterpart. Think Boey and Mae, or Azelle and Tailtiu. This time, though, they have a sibling dynamic, which is a fun way to shake up the formula.

I’m also fairly sure Framme will get an emblem ring too, though it is hard to say. If I had to guess, it’d be either Lyn or Ike. Framme uses asian based martial arts, and of the fe lords Lyn has the most asian influences in both design and fighting style (though Corrin also fits this criteria, I’m positive she’ll bond with the manakete of this game instead). Ike, on the other hand… to be honest, I have a hard time seeing who else of the major characters he could bond with. And fist fighting and using an ax kind of go together, a bit… Again, mainly having a hard time thinking who else he could go with. And Clan does bond with Micaiah, so there's also that.

Now it’s time for our crit clip…

Framme's starting class is Monk. A war monk that heals allies with staves. They also are adept at self-defense from Qigong training.

It should be noted that Framme is just a monk, not a war monk. None of the kanji between either word are the same, and there are specific terms for various warrior monks in Japanese, like Yamabushi. This means monk is probably a base class, with something like war monk or grandmaster acting as its promotion. Though, that does make me curious if we’ll get a more combat based fist classes, like brawler.

Edit: So, I didn’t catch this at first, but Framme’s class is specifically called Monk/ Qigong. Qigong is a form of martial arts which focuses on using “qi”, which is a type of life energy in certain spiritual beliefs. It certainly makes me curious. Earlier, I assumed states like Dragon, Cavalry, and Mystic detailed stuff like weakness and how terrain affects movement. Qigong is interesting. Will there be special anti qigong weapons, will monks and brawlers have an easier time moving through certain tiles? Or are these things terms for certain class families? Either way, I find myself eagerly waiting for the inevitable Famitsu article that clarifies how classes will be handled.

As for the clip, there's a surprising amount to chew on. We actually see a bit more menuing from Framme. From this, we can see that staves still have durability, while weapons don’t. She has two scrolls,  training and iron body arts respectively. A good deal of stats when selecting a weapon are shown as well. Before that, though, we have something really meaty, an option called “Chain Guard”.

What is chain guarding? Honestly I can’t say, but none of the other characters are shown to do it. Perhaps it’s a unique ability among martial arts classes. Seems like the kind of thing a famitsu article will cover though.

We also learn that fists have a weapon advantage over bows. While some have proposed a weapon triangle of Bows < Fists < Tomes < Bows, I think something else is going on. Both bows and tomes are gray, while fists are yellow. As such, I think it’s more likely fists beat bows and tomes, acting as an anti range weapon. Another thing of note is that she doesn’t double the archer. This can be explained by the weapon being a training scroll, which specifically doesn’t allow follow up attacks. Sadly, it seems like Framme isn’t a very combat focused unit, though, considering she couldn’t even kill her foe with a crit. Hopefully this is just the result of the training weapons being so weak, or poor Framme may find herself trapped in the heal bot mines.

Now when it comes to the map, there are some spicy things I took notice of. First, both Alfred and Celine are able to use their engage forms in this chapter, making me wonder if the concept is introduced here, or earlier. When Framme attacks, we also get to see a look at one of the walls, with large windows. They’re probably not important, but it's still a pretty sight. What really caught my eye, though, was a good chunk of empty space on the maps left side, with a stairway nearby. Seems like the kind of spot either new recruits or enemy reinforcements would enter.

So, to wrap things up, we have all the starting dragon guardians now. While the avatar worship isn’t great, they seem like a solid starting party. As for what comes next… I’d say Alfred and the crew we see in the windmill chapter are a safe bet. It’ll be interesting to get looks at characters outside of these heavily shown three, that's for sure. As for when we’ll see them… I have no fucking clue. Maybe we’re alternating between one and two characters a week, but at this point, only the social media managers know.

[funkymbtifiction]

After seeing this ask I wanted to ask, am I right then in thinking that being a 3 would manifest differently in a Te/Fi vs Ti/Fe type? Also that the type itself as a whole would influence it?

Yes, there is a difference, a huge one. 3 manifests very differently depending on your personality type, and certain combinations face struggles others lack (like a Fe 3 losing themselves in other people, because their orientation is outward and focused on "you," whereas a Fi 3 would never be that influenced by others simply because the orientation of Fi is inward -- centered on "me").

After reading several books by different authors, the core issue of fear of failure and shame related to any perceived inferiority is by far the one I related to the most. Also the attention to image managing (how appearance affects how others perceive you, how to communicate), having a natural competition orientation and needing to either win or not even compete to save face, placing high expectations on myself and others performances etc. Desintegration to 9 also sounds really familiar. But some of these authors, and also articles and videos online, only describe 3s as nonstop workaholics, a machine of a human who is obsessed with producing all the time. And that's far from how I am: I definitely have fits of behaving like this when very engaged with a project, or when I was in school/college and couldn't stomach the idea of failing the year. But I actually see myself as pretty lazy: I don't put nearly the same amount f importance or effort into everything I do, only in what I see as mattering. 

I have known both 3s who constantly work and produce (mostly sp/so 3s who are extroverts and thinkers) and 3s who do the bare minimum to get by and just care about looking good (some of the P types, since their natural state is unstructured). The stereotypes are describing your typical 3w2 ETJs so if you are anything else, it won't measure up to your behaviors. Singling out individual tasks that are "important to me" and throwing yourself wholeheartedly into them, while lacking the same momentum or energy for anything else, does seem Fi-driven. ("I care about X, so it gets the effort that nothing else does.")

Other sources focus on how 3s are social chameleons who either don't know who they truly are/are nobody behind the mask, or reject their true self.

That, I would say, is describing a Fe who is "lost" in what others think.

That also doesn't fit me at all. I'd say I'm pretty good at knowing how I come across and managing it (though this definitely wasn't the case when I was younger). <- this is 3, yes.

But I've also had a strong sense of self and could never create a persona to sell others. <- strong Fi

Not only it'd defeat the vanity purpose of my success (just like being an actress, they'd be loving the character, not me) but it also sounds exhausting. I also dislike the dishonesty: I might choose to only show my better angles, but they're all real. I'm against influencers using filters and photoshop to change their appearance for example, because they're selling a lie, false advertisement. Also, isn't it very embarrassing when people met them in real life and see they look nothing like their Instagram??? I'd be mortified!

I sense Te. "Here is the factual consequence of such deceit."

I'd assume I'm a different type, but the only other one I could really identify with was 8, however I doubt as a core since I found it very extreme, and they don't see to care what others think of them. Please correct me if I'm wrong.

3 seems right. :)

[eievuiisms]

ok so im finally just gonna infodump about that dhmis au i just randomly started posting like a week ago almost, which ive just referred to as the dollhouse au. anyway infodumping under the cut lmao

so as i mentioned in the og comic for it, it was kinda inspired by ‘inside a mind’s theory abt the dhmis webseries but likeeee mostly for the aspect of red guy being the main focus + having some level of responsibility irt the situation, but anyway i mention this since its the basis of this au more or less

so the trio were all humans once, & were all connected in some sort of way. i havent determined the extent of their relationships but they def knew each other, and werent like borderline strangers. in my mind, red & duck were coworkers + friends (and potentially working on getting to be more than that, but never got there) and red & yellow had a familial, brotherly type of relationship (ive tossed around the possibility of them being maybe step-brothers or smth like that, idk like i said i havent determined the extent so take that w/ a grain of salt)

(also fyi yellow’s an adult & is younger than both red & duck by a somewhat significant amount, but he’s def just a neurodivergent adult man. theres not any plot significance, i just figured i’d say lol)

now these 3 definitely all have struggles in their lives, some of which have been reflected in the show (red’s inability to connect with others ‘like him,’ duck not actually liking being alone, yellow having a poor relationship w/ his dad, etc etc). their lives arent exactly horrible but its far from sunshine & daisies

(ive kinna debated the idea that maybe a significant event happened that negatively affected red in particular but idk i dont think i wanna make it melodramatic so lets just leave it as ‘their lives arent Perfect’ for now lol)

so at some point, red comes across an antique shop that’s never been there before, one that holds all of the puppet props as well as the dollhouse from the TV series, which red is given with the claim that it ‘belongs to him’ (& yes, the person that gives it to him is lesley). so red is just kinda like ‘ok ig’ & takes this totally normal dollhouse that won’t cause him problems in the future home w/ him. what could possibly go wrong

anyway i figure some time passes after he obtains the dollhouse but basically to make a short story shorter, he - & the other 2 - wind up getting trapped inside the dollhouse as puppets, so theyre stuck in there & then in the normal world theyre obvs labelled as missing. while they’re trapped in this dollhouse, they dont remember anything from their prev life - they do not remember being human, and they do not remember knowing each other as closely as they once did.

so before proceeding, i will say that in this au, both the webseries & the TV series occur in the timeline, & they do indeed occur one after the other, so the webseries is ‘season 1′ & the TV series is ‘season 2′ (& i think i will be referring to them as such throughout the rest of this dump bc its easier than specifying ‘webseries’ & ‘TV series’ each time lol)

so during s1, red guy is in ‘control’ - in the absolute loosest terms, bc obviously these puppets cant control SHIT, but all i mean by 'control’ is that their surroundings are reflective of a certain individual. in the case of s1, it is red. because of this, the trio is a little more self-aware (as red particularly was in s1), and they remember each incident that happens between episodes. obviously, things go downhill reaallllyyyy badly because red doesnt have a grip on anything, so we get some pretty nasty incidents. additionally, the world all around looks more realistic & uncanny while red has the reins

eventually, red accidentally leaves following dhmis 4, and this leads to him going into a version of the real world (obvs not the actual real world. whatever forces that have put him & his friends there aint done with him yet), which, as we all know, eventually leads to him pulling the plug on the world. now, he did this with the expectation that he & the other 2 would finally be free. but no, all it did was take the control out of his hands and put it into the hands of someone else

enter s2, i’m actually going to go ahead & say that ‘transport’ is the first thing that happens chronologically. so here we have red coming freshly out of s1′s events which were clearly traumatizing, and who also expected to be free of this hell puppet world only to find himself right back in the thick of it, so yeah, he’s a little on edge and stir crazy and wants to be free. but here’s the real kicker: none of them fully remember the events of s1. yellow & duck certainly dont, & red only has hints of feelings remaining from it, enough to make him frustrated, but not enough to remember the gory details. this is meant to be the hint that the ‘control’ has switched hands, since as i mentioned previously, they could remember what happened between incidents under red’s control. by the end of ‘transport’ whenever yellow reacts to hearing lesley’s voice, that’s the reveal in this au that yellow’s the next person to be ‘in control’

ways in s2 that show that yellow’s now control: things are definitely a lot softer, while still having their darker moments (compare this to yellow’s brain friends & how cute they were, then how that eventually went downhill) + the trio only have vague recollections of previous events (yellow evidently has some memory problems according to ‘friendship’), among other things. but basically, just judging on how the show treats yellow in s2, its reasonable enough to say in this au that he’s the next one in control of the dollhouse after red, who was evidently seen as an inappropriate fit

anyway thats about all i got atm lol, ive just been rotating this au in my brain for a while so i figured its abt time i like. actually write out most of the details gkjfhgjk. especially bc ppl seemed to like the lil drawings ive done for it, so < 3

[wizkiddx]

in your own way

so someone sent me this idea and I thought it was really cute and wanted to do it as a blurb but then I got all confused so it’s very shite and I can only apologise. also I am not no genius so pretending to be one was literally just putting words together they make no sense ahaha

Summary: tom gets self conscious of his intelligence compared to you

        (bit of angst but mainly fluff ;))

tomhollandxreader

The doorbell ringing through the couch grabbed the attention of all five of you, your heads all whipping towards the door the round to each other. You’d already got the pizza (had demolished it too) and nobody had ordered any desserts - at least that you knew of. It had been a rather tame evening, your four uni mates all stuffed into you cosy but homely studio flat. Lix had just moved to London and had wanted some help with a new project that she couldn’t afford to cock up at her new job. So, assembling the ‘dream team’ back from simpler days, you were all crouched down over many print outs - trying to puzzle your way through how the plans could be redesigned to make the invention much more ergonomic. 

“Don’t stop working!” The four around you all just groaned in return, Josh lightheartedly slapping your leg as you skipped over him.  Laughing at their exhausted and almost beaten brains , you jumped up and hopped toward the door frame, picking a discarded pizza box off up the floor and onto the countertop on your way.  As you reached the door you tightened your hair in the scrunch before painting a welcoming smile on your face and opening the door. Whatever you had been expecting, it was definitely not what you saw. 

Warm brown ochre eyes, a mischievous grin and a bunch of beautifully arrange yellow and white flowers.

“TOM!”

Squealing his names, your body apparently decided to ignore the flowers he was grasping to his front, still choosing to throw your arms around his neck and pull him close - the precious petals squashed between your two bodies. 

“God I’ve missed you!” He grinned into the side of your head, only stopping to press multiple kisses to the side of your face till you arched back and met him with your own lips. 

“Thought we were meeting tomorrow? You asked against his lips, with a little smirk - you could have a pretty good guess as to why. He had just returned from a long shoot abroad and had planned on spending the evening with his parents and brothers, then in the morning the idea was for you to go get breakfast together. You would never dream of competing for his affection against his family, so had been more than happy to give them a day with their eldest back before you saw Tom. It was still early days in your relationship anyway, you actually only been a couple and in the same country for a matter of weeks, but of course the time he was away you made time for the long distance phone calls and FaceTimes. 

“Mhmm well I just kept imagining you in a cold lonely bed and it’s not like I’m gonna let them all hop into my bed for quality time is it?”

“Well you are close!” Giggling back, Tom playfully gasped before releasing his one arm from round your waist - both of you chuckling at the crumpled flowers. You stepped aside to let him in, in all the excitement forgetting you weren’t alone until you turned around and were met with four pairs of beady eyes staring at you. Because yes perhaps it had slipped your mind to mention to them you had a boyfriend of six months, especially forgetting to tell Josh - who you had a complicated history with to say the least.

Cursing under your breath, you watched Tom freeze up, clearly shocked by the fact you had company too. He hadn’t met many of your friends, purely because you and him were still on the downlown. Not that that particularly mattered with these 4, you were more than certain they would have no idea who he was - as Lix had said before ‘superhero movies are just stupid peoples version of research papers. Innovative and exciting, except papers don’t require the variables to beat each other up to keep their audience entertained.” 

So tom’s reputation wasn’t the issue in this situation…. Instead your ex boyfriend meeting his replacement. Josh could be cruel too when he was jealous, even if it had been a year and a half since you’d called your brief relationship quits, it was evident he still wasn’t completely over you either. The amount of drunken calls asking for a hookup was evidence of that. 

You’d been almost transparent with Tom, he knew this name ��josh’ was your ex, he was aware you were still friends and hang out. He didn’t know about the 3am booty calls but that was just to protect everyone, no other hidden agenda. He’d always regret it in the morning and beg for your forgiveness so it appeared very much to be a subconscious thought only copious amounts of alcohol could release.

“Sorry I didn’t know you had-“

“No no” You interrupted Tom, grabbing the flowers and placing them on the counter, ontop of the pizza boxes, before reaching out and squeezing his hand reassuringly. “It’s okay, let me introduce you guys.”

Following that preceded an awkward taking turns of hand shakes and small talk, though you were acutely aware of Tom’s tightening grip round your waist when the blue eyes boy introduced himself as ‘Josh’ - and in fact every time he spoke thereafter. 

The small talk was nice enough, the group of you all resumed your positions on the floor with Tom now squiggled between you and you painfully awkward ex flatmate Will. In fact it was all going oh so well till Lix opened her big bloody mouth. 

“So Tom, what do you do?” 

He immediately tensed against your side, you saw his eyes widening with shock. Instantly reading him, you realised Tom was shocked by the fact they didnt know. 

And he was! He assumed they hadn’t mentioned it purely out of respect, not wanting to make the situation awkward. They were, as you’d summarised to Tom before, nerds. As you were - no nerd shaming here. But this type of people were normally primed marvel superfans, or at least had some sort of awareness- so he was surprised to say the least. 

“Oh uh I…. I’m an actor”

“Oh really?” Josh’s eyes widened and he smirked. You knew , you knew what was coming. “So you convinced Y/n that drama’s a good thing? She used to absolutely hate everything when we had to do it at college.”

“I hated drama classes, that doesn’t mean I hate the whole entertainment industry dickhead!” You tried to joke, tried to lighten the mood. 

“Uh well she’s supportive of my stuff and I’m supportive of hers it doesn’t mean I have to like neuroscience either.”

“Neurobiologist. You’re a neurobiologist right Y/n?” For fuck sake. Will had no intention behind it at all. He was just oblivious to people and was so upfront at times it was painful, even if underneath it all he was the sweetest person you’d ever met. Watching Tom out the corner of your eye swallow thickly as he tried to compose himself you quickly worked to diffuse the situation. 

“Yeh but it’s kind of the same thing isn’t it? I say either or a lot!” Josh took a swig of his half drunk beer before nodding at Tom.

“Acting though… it’s impressive. I definitely wouldn’t be able to persevere through all the rejection though, seems cut throat to try and make it in.” There Josh goes. Tom shifted, his hand dropping from you side and his eyes fixed on the beer bottle you’d given to him as he smirked. 

“Yeh well the rejections hard when I was younger but I get that less now. Now I get to reject the parts I don’t like which makes it all so worth it.”

Josh’s face morphed just slightly in pain, as the penny somewhat dropped. Apparently Tom wasn’t the aspiring actor working 3 jobs between failed audition as he had assumed. Just as you were getting bloody desperate, a literal light went off in your head, shooting your back straight as you rifled through the haphazardly spread papers in front of you -  the groups focus now away from the obvious tension between Tom and Josh. 

“Y/n what do you need?” Lix asked slowly realising you might’ve just found the answer and not wanting to disturb the thought process. After asking for a pen and triumphantly ‘ah’-ing when you found the right plan you looked up with glee evident in your eyes first to Lix, then Will, then Sophie, then Josh. 

“We’ve been missing the whole point the whole bloody time. Look!” You jabbed your pen at an intricate diagram “It’s so bulky because we’ve been going on this assumption we need a battery and recharging ports but if we take that component out-“

“Then you just need a transformer for there” Will joined in with a sparkle in his eyes, him being the first to click where you were going with this.

“Exactly! And then size is no longer an issue and by placing an external detachable unit-“

“Y/N YOU GENIUS” “fuck that’s good” Lix exclaimed an dsimultaneously Josh much more inwardly praised your ingenious. 

“We got it!” Laughing back, you encouraged all of them to join in with, noting down all the necessary inputs and outputs and components necessary to form a vague redesign. 

Though it felt no time at all, the 5 of you consumed in mumbling through thought processes and logic of trying to actualise your theory, in reality it was almost 45 minutes before Lix leaned back with a relieved sigh. Announcing that you’d saved the day, she called time on the night, relieved that she could sleep worry free that night. You made light work between all of you of clearing her stuff up and saying goodbye to all of them with brief hugs. In all honesty, you were so in the zone you’d completely forgotten about Tom, who you were only alerted to when Lix went over to the kitchen to say bye as well. He’d obviously been there for sometime, clearing up all the greasy plates and pizza boxes, the flowers now sat in a vase in their full glory - or at least what was left of them after the crush injury. 

This wave of insurmountable guilt washed over you, realising he’d come here after only spending a couple of hours with his family after a long haul flight home to fall asleep with you in his arms. Instead, he’d faced your rude ex, been ignored for the majority of the time he was here and he’d done the washing up. You fucked up. 

Choosing till you’d finally ushered Will and Josh out, promising Will you would go and see their new shared flat soon, you closed the door slowly - knowing this wasn’t going to be simple. 

You walked up and leant against the kitchen counter, watching him place the last two mugs in the top drawer of the dishwasher before pushing it closed and then closing the appliance door too. 

“Thankyou for doing all this. You really didn’t have to.” He didn’t make eye contact, moving about the kitchen to wash his hands in the sink opposite. “And I’m really sorry I-I was gonna usher them out but the I worked it out and kind of got overexcited.”

“Mhmm … for an hour?” It was a rhetorical question and although he said it very quietly you knew he was demanding an answer. 

“I know I know I’m a shitty girlfriend, I should’ve sent them away as soon as you got here. I am so so so sorry.” That statement was left in silence for a few, painful moments.

“I was the one who showed up here. Don’t worry about it.” It was muttered and god only know you were still very worried about it. 

“No Tom I was a dickhead you have a right to be ang-“

“It doesn’t matter!” If it didnt matter, why the hell was was he answering so grumpily.Turning back around to you with a sigh, he spoke with shoulders slumped. “Look… lets just go to sleep yeh? I’ve had a long ass day.

He wasn’t in the mood to talk, you weren’t about the force him too - so with a small nod you half heartedly agreed. You knew you would have to address it at some point, but apparently now wasn’t the right time. 

So without much more conversation the two of you got ready for bed, even if the atmosphere felt jilted and cold. It was rehearsed, this wasn’t not the first time he’d stayed over so like a rehearsed scene the two of you got ready and then wormed your way underneath the sheets. You waited for him to make the first move, which of course he did. Pulling you into his bare chest which you happily obliged to, your leg wrapping round his as you nuzzled into his chest. Both softly whispering ‘goodnight’ your eyes closed as you tried to sleep.

Except it didnt work and wasn’t going to. Mainly because Tom’s heartbeat was thundering right under your ear. So you were hardly surprised when he whispered in the quiet. 

“Do we work?”

“What?” You arched up, a hand on his chest as your head hovered over his - your eyes burning into his in the dim light of the street lights. He sighed heavily, shaking his head and trying to avoid your gaze.

“I just- we have so little in common” 

“That’s not true.”

“It is. I have no idea about even what you do! Seeing you with all of them tonight… you were enjoying talking about stuff I could never ever understand!”

“I don’t have a clue about scene direction or physical acting does that make you dislike me?”

“No course not!” He argued huffily, making you sit up in frustration and reach over to turn the bedside light on.

“Then will you please explain what is going on?”

“Just… just look I know intelligence is attractive and-and well you are and I’m not.” 

That physically hurt you hearing him be so self conscious in front of. Clearly, you had made him feel like pure shit this evening and that guilt would surely eat you up later - but right now the focus was purely on making him feel assured of his own mind-blowing talents. 

“Tom…it’s not intelligence that’s attractive! You know…” You sighed, how the hell were you going to explain to him how much you LOVED HIM.liked him, you hadn’t said that yet. “You know when you’re reading a script that’s good your mouth move along as if your living and breathing every single word. And you completely are oblivious to anything around Tom, I always thought if someone crashed into the house you wouldn’t notice cos your so into it. And then when your finally finished with it, no matter what time of the day or night, you’lll be like this excited puppy running in to tell me all about it. Or-or when you’ve visited a children’s hospital and you phone me bouncing off the walls, full of stories of how these kids inspire you….” Trailing off, you looked intently between both of his two brown eyes. “Thats passion right? And ambition?” He nodded minutely. “Thats what’s so bloody attractive. For all I care, you could be a supermarket shelf restocker if that’s what your passionate about and you would still be the most incredible person to me. I love your passion you idiot, I don’t care if you don’t know stupid facts about astrophysics or where in the brain control movement of your big toe! In your own way your so bloody clever and I love you because of you and your passion you idiot.” 

“Seriously?” You nodded profusely at his whisper, now cupping both hands round his cheeks. “You seriously think…. I’m like a puppy?”

There was your boyfriend again, grinning from ear to ear as you giggled at him.

“Yes you most definitely are.” He gasped in fake shock, before pulling you closer and pressing his lips against yours. Now straddled over his body with the duvet weighing down on your back as you tasted the minty toothpaste still fresh on his lips. After a short while you once again settled back down on his chest, feeling much more warm than mere moments ago, and confident that Tom was reassured and happy once again. 

The silence lasted long enough for you to be slowly drifting off before a deep rumble had you blinking your eyes open, eyelashes dragging against his shoulder as you tried to focus on his voice.

“By the way…” Tom dragged it out, making you hum in encouragement as you listened to his slightly hoarse and sleepy sounding voice “in your big soliloquy just then… you said you love me?” You froze, desperately trying to claw a good answer or cover up. Completely failing, you went for the next best and oddly relevant statement. 

“I don’t know what solliquarity means because its an actory word so I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Solliliquy darling… but for the record, and I hope you understand this… I love you too.”

[fire-emblem-drabbles]

Precious Time and Little Lies

Pairing: yandere Xander x reader

Description: Once, when he was a different man, you had loved him. But now, Xander was a manipulative, terrifying monster of his former self, one you had no qualms running away from when the time came. However, you doubted how much he adored you-- and the atrocities he would commit to getting you back by his side.

Rating: sfw

Word Count:

Content Warnings: general yandere behavior, emotional manipulations, mentions of blood

Notes: Another commission for the ever so lovely @modern-zervis-lovemail! In addition, a friends helped me beta this one too, so thank you to @khaenruin for helping me figure this hot mess out. Also would you believe me if I told you I was listening to Kakusei from Promare the entire 5ish hours in total it took me to write this? Because why would I lie about that...

~*~

Today shouldn’t be a day spent on the battlefield. But fate had other plans for you, devious ones that wouldn’t be undone so easily. How long had you been running, escaping his grasp only to find yourself in the midst of his bloody desires? Xander may not be king of Nohr yet but defying still met certain death; or, it would have, had the crown prince of Nohr not held an unhealthy obsession for you…

In better times, kinder, gentler ones, you might have relished in his affection, may have even returned it and been something… more with him. But there was no going back on this choice. Not after you had seen the lengths he would go through for you… that he still continues to do. You can’t think about the lives tolling up in your wake because of him-- that’s just what he wants, for you to think this was all your fault, to break down and lean to him for support. To trap you in his grasp and cradle you there, coddling you and fooling you into thinking he wasn’t a monster with his sweet smiles… You wouldn’t fall for it any more.

Today was the Day of Devotion. You knew, he would be more motivated than ever to find you. You could hear his words now, feel them plaguing your very skull; how sweet it would be, to be reunited on the Day of Devotion. It was sickening. But you had to had to remain strong, Graciously, the Hoshidian’s had allowed you refuge in their country, even letting you travel with their army for a short amount of time to Cyrkensia, where you would hopefully be able to flee the continent altogether, right under Xander’s nose no less. Azura’s performance would be the perfect distraction for you. The fight that would inevitable follow was merely a bonus.

“I can’t thank you enough for allowing me to travel with you this far.” You turn to Corrin and Princess Sakura, as well as Prince Takumi, and bow your head. “I wish I could help you further, but even my mere presence here now is a danger to you all.” Corrin shakes his head, while Takumi just huffs.

“The information you provided is has been immensely helpful. It’s thanks to you we even know Xander will be here today. We can be prepared because of that.” Corrin offers you a small smile, which you return with one of your own.

“You’re absolutely sure they’ll be there?” Takumi isn’t as convinced. For the few days you’ve been here, he’s been on his tiptoes around you; you can’t blame him for his behavior, though.

“Positive. King Garon loves the shows here and…” You heave a sigh, shaking your head. “...had I still been by his side, this would have been the day Xander proposed.”

“Goodness, really?” Sakura gasped. “In front of all these people? How do you even know?” Her face is flush from the mere thought.

“It was the day he wanted to go public with it. We… were engaged far before that. He knew I couldn’t deny him in a front of a crowd of people who adored him…” You clenched your fist tightly.

“Xander…” Corrin looks troubled. Xander was his older brother, after all. The rejection of his younger brother, and now you, his beloved fiancee… Perhaps there was an explanation for his behavior but never an excuse. “I’m sorry this all happened to you _____, I can’t help but feel part of this is somehow my fault.”

“Corrin…” You sigh softly. “It’s no ones fault but Xander’s own. We made our choices, and though they were in opposition to him, they were ours to make.” You take his hand in yours, surprising him before you continue. “But if we fault in the paths we’ve taken, everyone, from the people in your army to Xander himself, will suffer for it. Stay strong.” With one last squeeze of his hand you drop it.

“...Right.” He nods, and you can see him steeling himself. “Today, we’ll end this…”

“The shows about to start, we should hurry.” Takumi sends a look to you over his shoulder, ushering his siblings closer.

“Stay safe everyone. I believe in you.” You send one more smile Corrin’s way before heading off on your own to the ports. If things went okay, they would be able to defeat Garon, and maybe even stop Xander…

You knew little about the world outside of Nohr, Hoshido, or even Nestra, but anything was better than the war that countries faced and the terror that followed you here. It wouldn’t be easy start anew in a foreign place… “You should catch a nice price though…” From your pocket, you produced a ring; casted in white gold, and gilded in the finest of amethyst, any woman would have been proud to where it on their finger. But these engagement ring would be a new start for you in a different way.

“…You kept it?” You gasp and snatch the ring close to yourself, surprised to find yourself cornered by none other than Xander himself.

“W-what? How did you…” Your words died on you tongue as he approached you. You were frozen in place, malleable to his touch as he carefully opened your hand and once more slipped the engagement ring on your right ring finger. His silence, and the lack of any signs on anger on his part made you apprehensive.

“Why did you have to leave me?” He held your shoulders, preventing your escape. His ruby gaze was inescapable, his apparent sorrow scalding.

“Why?” You frown, willing yourself not to fall for his tricks. “Look at you! You’ve become a puppet of your fathers will, Xander!” You wrench yourself free from his grasp, surprising yourself. “Once you were a kind prince, someone the people looked up to; someone who I looked up to.” You take a step but to distance yourself from him. “But you’re just as mad as him now. You’ve taken away my rights, treated me like a child, chased me down the realm and back, and for what? Will you drag me back to your side? Will you prove yourself the craven beast I know you to be?” You glared up at him now, trying your best to read his mood, to not be affected by the hurt you saw in his eyes. He had already done far worse to you.

“Who has fed you these lies, dearest?” Xander approaches you, finally acting on his desire, lies spilling forth from his lips as he stocked towards you. “Who has fed you this poison, that you are so freighted by me even my face before you has you trembling?” You hadn’t even noticed it before, but you were; your hands were shaking and the familiar feeling of adrenaline was beginning to course though your veins. Fight or flight was beginning to over take your mind as he merely got closer, spoke a little more softer to you. “Won’t you tell me who I need take care of?” He got close enough to caress your cheek with his gauntlet only for you to flinch away from his touch. He faltered, if only for a moment.

“You’re too blind to realize it was you yourself who led me to this. I would sooner forsake my homeland and take up arms with the Hoshidian’s than return to your side once more!” You tried to be fierce, to show Xander you weren’t afraid of him. “I won’t go with you.” He was frowning now, lurching forward and taking your arm in a gasp that wouldn’t easily be shaken off.

“Why don’t I take you to see the show? To see what happens to traitors.” His voice was even, his face turning dark as you tried to struggle. His grip was bruising, and you were willing to cause a scene.

“Corrin is your brother!” You argue. “Why are you willing to show lenience to me and not him?” You cry. His shock is enough for him to drop you. You pull back dramatically, gently rubbing the spot on your forearm where he caught you.

“You’ve yet to totally betray me.” His eyes linger on the ring you let him replace on your finger. You hold it protectively to your chest.

“That’s… this is different.” You huff, scowling at him. “There’s nothing left in me that cares for you as I once did.”

“Don’t be foolish.” You yelp, looking back to find Xander’s backed you up to the a large crate near the docks. “You just listened to the same lies those rotten Hoshidian’s fed to Corrin, didn’t you?” He shakes his head softly. “I won’t let them take you from me as well _____.”

“You’ve listened to nothing I’ve said!” You cry. “Xander, stop this! Actually listen to me for once in your life!” You beg him, hands finding place on his chest.

“You must be so confused… And scared…” He sighs, as if some great sorrow was just discovered, as if you really were as scared and confused as he claimed. He was clearly delusional, at least when it came to you and your thoughts and feeling; you really had to escape him now, lest you be stuck with this man who could not see you for what you were the rest of your life.

“I’m not confused! And the only thing I’m scared of is what you’re planning to do-- Xander, Xander stop!” He takes you by the arm, as any prince and gentleman should, and begins leading you over the performance hall. “Let me go!” Though you are loud and vigorous in your attempt to not be lead away from him, the grip he has on you is stronger than anything you could put up a fight against. There isn’t hardly anyone on the streets to see you struggle against him, everyone has gone to the hall to watch Azura preform… You know once you’re in there, it’s too late for you. People will recognize you, hanging off the princes arm. And if his siblings are there, they’ll only reinforce their brothers delusions…

“Everyone’s going to be delighted I found you once more, _____. Elise is even here with us… I dare say she missed you as much as me.” He laughed softly as he lead you inside, as if you weren’t fighting like a rabid animal to be free of his hold.

“...Elise?” You stopped your struggling at her name. You couldn’t let the young Princess know just how twisted and vile her dear older brother had become in your name… if she saw you…

“Xander! _____!” As if on cue, the young girl appeared before the two of you as you entered the building. Barely, you managed to catch her in a hug as she barreled towards you. “Ohh, I missed you so much! I was so scared for you.” She looked at you with big doe eyes, and your heart beat painfully at it. So, this is how he planned to keep you in line…

“Hey sweetheart…” You gently smoothed down her hair as she snuggled into you. “I’m sorry to have worried you, I just…” You pause, looking to Xander as he frowned softly.

“Xander said you didn’t love us anymore, is that true?” Her eyes were watering. You hushed her gently, moving to sit on your knees to better be at her level.

“I could never stop loving you, you know that.” You gave her a smile, a genuine one. Elise’s innocence was something to be protected… You couldn’t let her know the true nature of your relationship with Xander. “I just… had some business to attend to before our big day here, that’s all.” You sigh softly.

“Big day!” She gaps. “Are you two--” You hush her by placing your finger over her lips, and winking.

“It’s a surprise! Don’t ruin it for anyone!” You manage a smile for her.

“Come on you two.” Xander is smiling as well. He helps you to your feet and you can’t help the looming sense of dread that lingers in you as his hands leave you. “The show is nearly over now, and father is expecting us. We’ll get to announce the news after that.” With the joy only a young girl could bring, Elise bounds over to the stairs that lead to the balcony over viewing the stage. Once alone with you, he speaks again. “You even remembered what today was, didn’t you?” You hate how… in love with you he looks. It looks genuine; it brings up old feelings you would rather forget…

“The Day of Devotion.” You frown, looking away from him as you ascend the stairs.

“Today is the day we first say I love you to one another… Was it really two years ago?” He sighs softly and you falter for a moment.

“I said that to a man you no longer are.” He’s silent as the two of you finally make it to the terrace. Elise is there, as is King Garon. You’re greeted with the usual dismissal and nod he had given you in the past; you doubt he even noticed you absence. You look past him, to the crowd gathered on the boats and docks below. You note, its not yet Azura singing… She must not have preformed yet. You can’t see any familiar faces in the crowd, so perhaps Corrin’s army is more well hidden than you thought… Maybe, there was still a chance for you to escape.

“_____…” The songstress’s words are dying in your ears as you meet Xander’s gaze. It’s nothing but tender gazes and bygone feelings that twist around in your stomach. Oh, gods above, he’s kneeling-- Elise is gasping and even Garon has shifted his attention to the two of you, an unreadable look on his face. It’s nearly too much as your stomach turns and shifts inside you. “We’ve been through so much together-- I’ve proven to you I would do anything to keep you at my side. I’ve found you at the ends of our shores, and brought you back where you belong. Please, I can’t bare to be without you-- do me the honor of being my wife, and give me the privilege of being your husband.” He’s so serious. You know you can’t refuse him. Not here, not now. But still, words hesitate to leave your mouth.

“X-xander… I…” You stumble over your words, staring down at him as he gazes adoringly at you. Faintly, you can hear someone else has begun to sing. Their voice is familiar, and even the words they’re singing… Its not until you notice Garon in pain that you gasp. “Azura!” You drop Xander’s hands, much to his dismay, and turn to watch her. Her performance is breath taking and amazingly, its affecting Garon. He looks as if he’s about to burst or something, and things quickly devolve after that.

You can hardly keep up with it; someone is telling Xander the Hoshidian’s are here, Garon is quickly taken away to recover, and Xander is gearing up for battle as Corrin and his army show themselves. Xander, though it all, looks more than angered; you can see through his crimson eyes that this is something that cannot be forgiven.

“They dare ruin our moment?” Xander won’t even let you leave his side, hoisting you up on his horse to fight before you can think twice. “I think it’s high time I show them, and you, just what happens when you betray the kingdom of Nohr.”

“Xander wait! There are still innocent people here!” You beg, gripping on to his back as he rode into battle. “Please, let them escape! It’s not as it if Corrin knew what you had planned today! It’s not worth innocent lives to try and stop them.” You beg. “You have me now. I won’t leave, I promise. I’ll marry you if it means no one gets hurt here today.” Your desperate for Corrin and his army to make their mistake. A battle where they can get away is a battle they might be able to win in the future and that means a future where you might escape Xander.

“_____, dear, had you so easily forgotten what happened when you defy me?” He sighs softly, shaking his head. “These lives I take-- the blood I shed, its all on your hands as well. Perhaps, had you stayed by my side… we wouldn’t be here today.” You hide your face in his back as you feel warm blood quickly rush over you. He’s charging straight for Corrin and the other Hoshidian royals, you know. It’s all you can do to remove yourself from the situation and try not to internalize his words. Still, you can help but wonder… would things be like this had you stayed with him, so long ago? Would there really be no blood on your hands?

[uncurlinglikeflowers]

Queer Trauma, Coming Out, & the Long Road to Self-Love and Healing

As I’ve reflected on my past, I’ve discovered that my adolescence may be one of, if not THE most traumatic time of my life thus far as a queer person. The last few months with my incredible therapist have made me realize that the years of anxiety, panic, fear, self-loathing, confusion, and depression have scarred me deeper than I had previously thought. She also made me realize that this is at least partially because I have never really talked about it openly and in depth in a healthy and productive way before, which is what inspired me to start this blog to share my experiences with others that are currently struggling with their identity, or to allow those that are also currently healing from the trauma of their previously closeted life feel a little more seen.

I knew from a VERY young age that I was different, but didn’t know how or what it meant. I was a lonely kid for a lot of my childhood without many friends. I didn’t want to play football with the boys during recess. I sought companionship at lunch with a table full of girls more often than not, which in itself also made me feel incredibly self conscious at the time as well. 

I asked, (with incredible shame) for the “girl’s toy” from the backseat in the McDonald’s drive-thru because I loved to play with the mini-Barbies and craft entire storylines for them. They were easier to hide in my room than regular sized Barbies. I spent most summers off school alone playing video games and reading book and book after book. I didn’t really click with the boys down the street. I was obsessed with Britney Spears and the color purple. I was lonely without really knowing what it meant.

I feel as though that fear I felt in my childhood and adolescence held me back from SO much. Middle school in particular was absolute hell. I hated it. I always felt constantly insecure and uncomfortable. I had absolutely zero confidence or self love. I hated my body and how I looked. 

While other kids experienced their first relationships and first feelings of romantic love, I was convinced that it was just not a possibility for me. On top of being deeply closeted, scared, confused, lonely, and in deep denial, girls didn’t go for me anyway. I was the awkward chunky guy struggling with his identity feeling like he had to make up for it by working extra hard to get perfect grades and give himself 100% to other people. I tried not to think about it too much, but hearing about relationships, seeing people kiss in the hallways between classes, and girls talking about what they liked in boys which was the complete opposite of me... it was hell.

To make my self consciousness worse, I felt supremely uncomfortable in gym class and the boys’ locker room in particular. I was ashamed of my body and also self conscious for wanting to look at the other boys; terrified that they would catch on and beat me senseless. Hearing them consistently call each other f*g in a very VERY negative context drove me deep into the closet as the identity I already felt shame for was directly correlated with being a ridiculed outcast, and something that was inherently, disgustingly wrong and unacceptable. The worst insult teenage boys could deliver to each other in the safety of an unchaperoned locker room in a hick town often not kind to queer people or those that were different. I SO desperately wanted to fit in with the other boys instead of being any version of who I actually was.

Part of that façade of blending in with my hetero peers involved having a girlfriend for two months in 8th grade. We didn’t even kiss, let alone approach any sexual situations. I’m sure she had her suspicions. I was utterly obsessed with the concept of blending in by having a girlfriend like the other boys and just having someone special in my life, even if we really didn’t even do any couple things. 

Upon reflection, I don’t think the concept of ever being sexual with her ever crossed my mind in the slightest. Even the idea of kissing her scared the hell out of me, and not just from first kiss nerves. Deep down I knew it wasn’t right for me. Don’t EVER tell a kid they’re too young to know. Fast forward to modern times, my first kiss with a girl was with a close friend YEARS after I came out. Go figure. 

The idea of caring about and loving myself was non-existent at that time. It’s a very VERY new and ongoing journey for me. I didn’t really care about myself at all. I hadn’t learned how to. Mom was in and out of cancer treatments, and would later pass during my senior year of college and kick off my coming out process, but that’s a whole other post for another day. Spending pretty much my entire childhood watching mom deal with being sick, I didn’t want to cause my family any more discomfort. I was full of self loathing, fear, and confusion, but it seemed irrelevant and unimportant because I didn’t want to be a hindrance. 

Instead, I tried so desperately to be the perfect kid and son by befriending my teachers, being a model student, and joining band and a bunch of organizations to stay as busy as possible to stay distracted and impress everyone else.I didn’t love myself because I didn’t think I was allowed to or deserved to in my own head. While I did finally make more meaningful friends in high school, I continued to go through the motions to make my family proud to make up for the scared closeted kid who thought he had to make up for his queerness as though it were a shameful weakness, and it seemed to be the only thing that could possibly matter at the time.

Non-surprisingly, I never really knew any openly queer boys in grade school. It probably legitimately wasn’t all that safe to come out in that environment. I’ll never forget the two boys I saw holding hands in a Wal-Mart that absolutely shook up my entirely reality, because I had never seen romantic same-sex affection in person before. 

There was a lesbian couple at my school, but people said awful, degrading things about them behind their backs constantly and acted like they were the biggest freaks. Another boy in my grade in high school hadn’t come out yet officially but was very flamboyant, and thus was treated just as awful as the lesbian couple, if not worse. Other kids just regularly said despicable things about him without even knowing him at all. I even heard parents make blatantly homophobic jokes about him. 

His life had to have been hell, and as a fully out queer adult, I still regret not being able to stand up for him more. That definitely forced me deeper into the closet. He wasn’t even out but got talked about like he was some disgusting abomination. How could I ever assume that I could ever come out, let alone kiss, date, and love another boy? I HATED the idea of any attention being placed on me, so I just wanted to survive school at that point.

I had multiple people throughout high school ask me if I were gay just as though it were the most casual question rather than a triggering inquiry that sent me into a mental frenzy every damn time it was presented. Having one of the jock boys ask me such a deeply personal question in passing on the way to my seat in Algebra class was traumatizing. I of course always said no, as at the time I was still convinced it was a passing phase and that I couldn’t actually be gay. 

At home, in the days of Myspace, I got anonymous messages telling me they were pretty sure I was gay. The anonymity was arguably worse in some ways. 

At a young age, I became hyper aware of how I carried myself, talked, and acted. I loathed hearing my voice or seeing myself in pictures, for fear of sounding too feminine or standing or emoting too gay. I obsessed over the concept that boys and girls carried their books a certain way, or the boys would be labelled as queer. I was paranoid about where I shopped for clothes, the colors I wore, and the length and fit of my shorts. 

In middle school, I got a lilac colored trapper keeper for school that I ultimately had my parents take back to the store for a different one because I felt so self conscious about it all day. At home I played with my little Barbies, but didn’t dare tell the kids at school for fear of rejection and isolation. Overall, I felt grossly incompetent, irrelevant, and unimportant in my own mind. Unworthy of love and of course, deeply ashamed for my attraction to the other boys.

I never had anyone whatsoever to help guide me through the coming out process, because I didn’t know a single queer person who could. I’ve now dedicated a good amount of my energy trying to be that person I desperately could have used then for anyone else that needs that role to be filled, and for someone to tell them that someone is incredibly proud of them. An obscene amount of queer people don’t ever hear “I’m so proud of you!” when they really need it the most. 

I also didn’t have any good queer representation on TV or in movies, so I really did feel completely alone at times. Most queer characters in media existedly solely to be made fun of and mocked, ratcher than celebrated, properly represented, or God forbid, given a legitimate love story, and the public’s reaction was so frequently one of such repugnance and disapproval. 

This was also probably about the time that a close family member told me that he had punched a gay guy for hitting on him when he was younger, a story he again felt the need to share with a now ex-boyfriend and I when we were dating, as though that’s not a horrifying thing for an already scared and closeted queer to hear from their own family. 

I think during middle school in particular is when my anxiety and depression issues started, but I assumed either that I was being a baby and that my feelings were invalid, or that it was just teenage angst. The idea that boys and men should mask their emotions and feelings and feel shame rather than expressing them was, (and seemingly appears to continue to be) a very real thing in small towns and society in general. 

It didn’t occur to me at the time that I was experiencing varying levels of almost daily trauma that would fuck me up well into adulthood. If you take anything at all from this post, let it be that the conversation around mental health, (and men in particular in this instance) NEEDS to change.

Another particularly noteworthy event in my queer adolescence was when two of my friends, (both girls, shocker) discovered gay porn on my computer. While they pestered me about if it were mine while they laughed, I of course lied. I felt a deep shame and utter humiliation. On reflection, fucking IMAGINE if they had been able to be gentle and understanding with me and told me they loved me and still would even if I were gay. From then on I was terrified that they would bring that day up to our other friends as a joke. Perhaps they did a time or two, I don’t recall. These same friends made jokes about the queer kid I mentioned earlier, and both parents of one of the girls regularly gossiped and made homophobic jokes about him when I was at their house 

By the time school dances rolled around, I knew I would never be able to go with anyone but friends. Even if I weren’t still deeply closeted, I’m pretty sure my school still had pretty strict rules against bringing same-sex dates to Prom. While I definitely had fun with my friends at the dances we went to, I so desperately longed for a world where I could dance with a boy who loved me like everyone else was able to.

The loneliness and isolation I felt at the end of those nights could be unbearable because it didn’t seem possible for me, even as I looked into the future. I was fully convinced I would live a very lonely life without anyone to love me the way I craved. I didn’t belong in that world, and wouldn’t ever be set up for that kind of happiness, joy, and feeling of content. I would live for everyone else but myself because that’s just the way the world worked for us queers.

I wish I had had just one single person then who gave me full permission to be my authentic queer self on any level. Someone who could hug me and tell me life after high school and college could and would be vastly different. Someone to tell me I wasn’t an unlovable disgusting freak, but rather a kind-hearted boy who deserved a deep love someday because I was a valid and gentle soul who deserved the world. I certainly deserved more than the shame and pain that constantly haunted me. 

Maybe then I wouldn’t have thought about death before 30 so much and obsessed over it well into my college career. I might have realized that I needed to learn to be gentle with myself and take care of and prioritize me and my own happiness. So many people let me down and convinced me that I was a filthy sinner and an over-emotional kid with invalid perspectives and feelings. As most of my closest friends, (that I cannot stress enough have been the ones to save my life and encourage the authenticity that I present so proudly today) came into my life after I had already come out fully, they weren’t around during those dark early struggles. 

Sometimes as an adult I still wonder what it would have felt like and how profoundly different my life could be if someone had held me close and sincerely told me they’re proud of me for what I survived and overcame, and told me that they can’t wait to see my eyes light up with the love I’ve always dreamed of in a boy, and that I still continue to seek. 

Young, baby gay Travis would be in absolute awe if he knew what life had in store for him back then. To see a future version of himself painting his nails, wearing whatever he wanted, dancing with strangers at pride festivals, having the time of his life at drag shows with his queer family and falling in love with boys? Proudly holding a boyfriend’s hand walking downtown in a busy city? Openly telling his dad about the cute boy he’s going on a date with? Going Facebook official with a boy? Being a super vocal advocate and inspiration and mentor to not only queer family, but to people he hardly talks to but manages to influence and inspire just by unashamedly being himself? Genuinely looking forward to kissing his new husband in front of family and friends on his wedding day, knowing it’ll be one of the happiest days of his entire life? 

Holy. Actual. Fuck.

Travis of six or seven years ago wouldn’t have even dared to dream this big, let alone baby gay Travis. He probably would have been utterly mortified but SO comforted to see that future life when he didn’t believe it to be any level of possible.

I’m so fucking proud of myself for this journey, and no one will ever take that away from me or water down my trauma or the grueling work I’ve put in. Genuinely, this is the one thing in my life that makes me absolutely burst with pride. 

I think I want to learn how to keep baby Travis in mind with this pride without having to revisit the trauma in the process. Look back at him with open arms, excited to see him learn and blossom into his actual self someday. Even if he could have desperately used someone like the me I am today, he survived then, and continues to persevere today. 

He’s queer as fuck, and proud to shout it from the rooftops. He’s a voice and an advocate for the voiceless. A shining light and beacon of hope for those still navigating their terrifying escape from their closeted life. He’s going to meet a man someday and love him so deeply in the way baby Travis always dreamed of. Above all, he’s going to continue to make that little guy so incredibly proud because he knows now the importance of loving himself in the process. 

I’m so proud of that scared little boy. I just wish he could have known then how proud he would make himself one day.   

As you talk with the queer people in your life, please keep in mind that just about all of us have incredible trauma directly tied to our identities. Talk to them with love, compassion, and understanding. Tell them how proud of them you are for pursuing their own happiness in the face of oppression and rejection. 

Demand better from elected officials. Advocate for us. Shut down homophobic ideals, even if you think it’ll make your family and friends uncomfortable to hear. Support queer content, artists and creators. Be a proud ally, but don’t ever allow yourself to take the spotlight away from actual queer people or our queer spaces. Mourn, love, and celebrate with us. 

Understand why pride is SO fucking important to us, and why you never have to worry about needing your own pride events. Listen to us and love us for exactly who we are, and were always meant to be. Love is the most incredible, beautiful, and often rare human experience we’re able to experience during our short time on this planet, and it should always be celebrated.

Happy Pride!

[storysofmyown]

Seven stages of love Chapter 3: Ludus

Summary: Ever since the Celestial War, since they all fell, Asmodeus has  dedicated himself to his sin. Not caring about anything else, but  drowning himself in the pleasure and ecstasy of it all. But not anymore,  now he cant even handle the idea of it. But, what else is there to want? After so long of having indulged in his sin, what is there than  Asmodeus is looking for, something that will fill him, and that wont  drive him to destruction? Perhaps his brothers can help him with that. Warnings will appear in each chapter.

Trigger Warnings: Self depricatement (?), anger, mentions of exhaustion. Please tell me if I forgot to add one.

Word Count: 3278

Read on ao3

It had been at the very least an hour, and Asmodeus eyes had yet to focus on the damn page in front of him. His eyes were looking at the words. He was reading and he knew what each word meant, but it all felt like his brain refused to understand what was in front of him. He read the same word over and over again but in his mind all he could think about was Leviathans words and what it all meant to him. His heart rate had been calmer than ever before, but that didn’t mean it was good. That only meant that he was in such a state of confusion he had to look up from the book to realize he was in Satan’s room. A faint memory came to mind of him waking up in the middle of the day and making his way here. But…it was all fuzzy. Perhaps the best way to describe it would be to say it felt like his memories were submerged underwater. There was a faint recognition of things, words, and moments, a faint recognition of his own feelings…of the things that had presented themselves, and how distant they felt to him.

But, it all just felt so out of place. He knew his body was somewhere in the House of Lamentation, but his mind was everywhere and nowhere at the same time. Almost as if it was traveling through a cosmic place with all the answers he could ever need; to all the questions he could ever ask. But instead of looking at the answers, he was in the middle. Just starring at the everything of the world through the eyes of an spectator, and not through the eyes of someone that had his own live. Perhaps, if he just reached out into the overwhelming darkness of the water that submerged his entire being, he would feel better. But how to reach out to the unknown? What if what laid on the other end was worse than what he knew now? In the end he let out an audible groan and set the book back on the stand, a pout on his lips.

“This is impossible!” He was incredibly tired. His eyes heavy and mind completely gone as he yawned and turned to Satan who was smiling foolishly at his book. That’s right, Satan had stayed in the room as well, but it’s not like either of them had registered each other’s presence. He had tuned out of the world entirely, and he was sure Satan had done the same. Speaking of which, the blond demon had muttered something under his breath, before proceeding to chuckle.

How in the world did he manage to pay attention to something for so long, Asmodeus wondered, before a sigh escaped his lips as he decided he should just give up this meaningless search that had become his life. Maybe it was time he finally accepted that there was no way he would ever understand the yearning that had kept him awake for so many years in the house. The aching to be simply hugged by someone who wanted to hug him. Perhaps that’s how he was meant to be for eternity. Had his father made it so he would end up as the Avatar of Lust as a punishment so that Asmodeus never felt that?

“Please, you don’t believe him, right?”

Satan spoke once again. Making Asmodeus raise an eyebrow at him as he decided it was enough self-deprecating for a day. Leviathan had made him question his existence enough the other day. And so, he proceeded to approach Satan, standing behind the demons couch and looking over his shoulder at the pages of the book.

“What are you reading?” Satan jumped, hitting Asmodeus in the face with his book, making the lustful demon groan a little as his hand flew to his face, tears burning on the corner of his eyes as he glared at Satan.  “What was that for?!” His comment effectively making the wrathful demon glare.

“Why were you reading over my shoulder?!” He snapped, glaring harder at Asmodeus which only made him scoff.

“I just wanted to know what you were reading, you jerk!” Satan stared at his brothers in confusion for a moment.

“…I thought you had gone back to your room already.” Satan’s sighs as he calms down, sitting in his original position.

“Well,” Asmodeus walked around the couch before propping himself on the other end of it. “you can be quite scary when we barrow your books. Hence why I was going to read it here and then go but…”

“But?”

“…I don’t know. I guess I just don’t have the attention span to spend hours reading.” Asmodeus shrugged, sitting on the couch before resting his back against the armrest, letting his head fall back as he stared at the ceiling. Breathing slower with each passing second, eyes drifting closed.

He was exhausted.

His eyes were heavy. He wasn’t hungry at all even if he had yet to eat anything since waking up. He was so incredibly tired, but during the night he couldn’t sleep. Part of him felt like it had been carrying with the same weight as Beel carried for hours on end, simultaneously feeling  like his legs wouldn’t be able to take him anywhere. It didn’t help that his brothers had been acting so strange with all the space…but perhaps it was his fault for worrying them. After all, Belphie and Levi probably already had told the rest of their findings. Satan was the only one that still treated him with some degree of normality. And even so he knew he was trying to act…gentler with him.

“…you wanted to know to what the book was about?”

Heh, another confirmation of his suspicions. Satan’s voice made Asmo sit up, looking at his brother with a raised eyebrow before nodding. He might as well try to act like his whole world had not fallen apart a few nights ago and unlike each passing day was eating him alive to the point where even the simplest task would make him go into a frenetic state. Oh well, might as well try to keep up the act. He looked at Satan before nodding, the demon not letting go unnoticed the lack of usual spark his younger brother had.

“Yes!”

“Well, in that case” Satan sighed, closing the book and looking at the back, examining it for a few seconds before nodding once more. “Very well, the story is about those two strangers.” He starts, looking at Asmodeus. “Two strangers that become the most important thing the other has.”

“Eh?” Asmodeus answered involuntarily. Shifting in his sit as he looked at Satan properly now. It was a…interesting concept.

Two strangers. They meet in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by everyone yet no one at all. The voices are echoed by how confused and lonely they are. But then…then they see each other. Satan said that they didn’t necessarily feel the sentiments that that word imply. That word...the one that kept coming back to him and placing itself against everything Asmodeus knew. That same word was plastered all over the book, in each page, and even in the cover. But even so, Satan stated the book claimed to not be that. He said…it was about some kind of…superficial sentiment. Some kind of crush they had. A brief moment of passion the two shared for one another after just that one moment.

Satan went on to describe their journey. And how as they slowly got to know each other they started to actually fall into a more intense feeling. But, to be fair, Asmodeus had stopped listening the moment Satan had said the first few sentences. Two strangers. Two complete unknown persons, and yet they managed to feel a certain type of affection towards one another. From all the people he had met, to all those he had merely shared a bed with. No names exchanged, no number, no way to see each other again, to those recurring visitors whom he had even their birthmarks memorized…he didn’t feel like that with any of them.

Were there people that could actually experience that type of devotion? Perhaps it was all just made up. Yeah, there was no way that existed. Have a sudden romantic infatuation for one another? Just like that?! No, Asmodeus refused to believe something like that could happen. It didn’t make sense at all!

“…are you even listening?” Satan’s voice finally registered as he sighed, closing the book and setting it down. “You are free to leave if you are that bored-“

“I don’t understand.”

“You weren’t listening to me. Of course you wont understand.”

“What? No, that’s not what I mean!” Asmodeus protested, half glaring at Satan now. Damn it, he was so damn confused. First Leviathan told him there was an entirely different kind section of that word, which was reserved for friendship, and platonic relationships. And now Satan told him that it was possible for two people to fall in adoration with one another although they were complete strangers?! He could have sworn that each time he learned something new it just helped to…to make him despise his sin even more.

Asmodeus took the book from Satan’s hand, the bookmark he had placed neatly between the pages falling, the page being lost as Asmodeus opened the book and scanned the first page, almost immediately devouring the content of the book like Beel would do with a restaurant if not stopped.

“…I was reading that” Satan protested, glaring at Asmodeus as he got to take the bookmark from the floor. The demon turned to place it on a table, before looking at Asmodeus. He had bag under his eyes. Something his brother would have never let be shown in the past, or let it be seen by anyone at the very least. Be it by an extensive amount of makeup or by his hour-long beauty regimen, it was strange for Asmodeus to let show anything that he deemed a “flaw” in his skin. And the way he was reading the book…he was desperate. A desperation Satan had certainly never seen in any of his family members to this day. “…you can give it back once you are done.”

“Mhm, yeah” Asmodeus answered briefly as he got up and walked over to the door, hitting the wall on his way out as his eyes refused to leave the page.

For the next 4 days, Asmodeus did nothing but be enthralled on the pages of the book. To be fair, he had finished it on the second day, but he had been rereading it. Over, and over again. Each time more vigorously than the last, his eyes jumped entire paragraphs he knew gave no useful information to the questions he needed answers to. How could two strangers fall in such a way for one another? How could it be that two complete strangers could experience more feelings on their first meeting than he had on his long life?! From the celestial realm to this very moment, the only feeling he could remember was that of lust and perhaps pity…sadness. No other feeling had ever made its way to him in the nights before, but now, now it was different. He felt something, and he wanted a certain feeling.

To him it was almost a lie. From all his experiences, never had any of the demons or demoness he had been with looked at him with something other than lust. They never sought to make a conversation that went past the names and the “where are we doing this?” In his mind it was impossible that a feeling so deep be felt so easily. Because if it did…then what would that say about him?

On the fifth night, as the dusk hit the Devildom, under what was the bleak light of the stars coming through the window, Asmodeus finished the book for the third time. His eyes focusing on the very last line. Those words. Those three simple words being muttered from one person to another. And no more words. Not an explanation, not a reason, not even a damn hint of why they felt like that on that very night. Asmodeus could feel some tears burning on his eyes as he glared at the book and threw it on the nightstand beside his bed. The stupid book had only left him with the same exact question that had been plaguing his mind from the night of his revelation. He hid under his covers, ignoring the ache of his heart, and went to sleep, only to dream of his inner broken, soul, and the void.

The next day, he went to Satan’s room to give him his book back. Praying to the father that had hurt them for the demon to not be on his room and he wouldn’t need to even mutter a word. But of course, that wasn’t the case.

“Ah, Asmodeus, I’m guessing you finished the book?” Satan’s voice was heard, prompting a sigh from Asmodeus as he fully stepped onto the room. The demon was on the high end of a stepladder, reaching for one of the top shelves.

“…yeah.” He spoke on a defeated tone.

“Did you enjoy it?” Satan asked, looking at one of the books, taking it out of the shelve and dusting it off. Asmodeus thought for a second. Had he enjoyed it? Well, its not like he was all that invested in the story. His focus was more on finding answers than it was on indulging into the story. And so, he couldn’t even recall the name of the characters, or the name of the book. Much less if he had enjoyed its content. But if he had to give an answer… “Asmo-?”

“No” They spoke at the same time. Setting the book down on the table, just as Satan looked down at Asmo, raising an eyebrow. He was about to ask why, but it would seem Asmo beat him to it. “How can two complete strangers feel something like that?!” He spoke, not even having given his brother another look, passing around the restlessly . Asmodeus tone increased slightly as he walked around the couch, hands moving and gesturing to the book. “Isn’t that sentiment supposed to be worked and developed with time as you get to know the person?! Isn’t it supposed to take years for people to finally realize the extent of their true feelings for another person?! It can’t be that simple! It can’t be as simple as walking into some place and making eye contact and just…and feeling it!”

“You don’t have to shout!” Satan spoke louder as well, before sighing as he watched Asmodeus shoulders drop and look away. For a moment Satan stayed silent as he analyzed Asmodeus words, thinking back to what he had read of the book before finally speaking. “…they didn’t fall for each other. At least not at first.” He states, starting to go down the steps of the ladder.

“Eh?!” Well that was a lie, Asmodeus thought. “Yes they did. The book describes it the first time they meet! They-”

“And upon their eyes meeting it was like the music faded. The bodies dancing around became shadows, all surrounded in black like the rest of their lives, only for the still barely noticeable grayish color the other made them see. With each step they took towards the other, the color became more vibrant, bright. They were like fire on a pitch black room for the other, and they smiled. For the first time, it wasn’t a calm or sweet smile. It was a nervous awkward smile, as they barely managed to announce their names. As they barely managed to exist close to the other.”

Satan finished quoting the book, making Asmodeus stare blankly at the demon as he frowned.

“Show off...” he remarked under his breath, just as Satan reached the last step, sighing. Instead of hopping onto the ground and walking over to Asmodeus he sat down, giving Asmo a look that made him step closer.

“The way it was described, the nervousness and awkwardness…I don't think they fell for each other, at least not in that very moment. Sure, they wanted to meet and get to know the other. And they found the other interesting, and upon that conversation is that they became important to one another…but I don’t think it was as intense as you think it was. It felt more…innocent.”

Innocence…that was something Asmodeus used to be familiar with. But he had lost touch with it the moment his body hit the grounds of the Devildom. Once he discovered this new world and all the things his body was capable of…the things his body wanted, he become detached from that part. Never did he imagine he would be missing that side of him. The side that didn’t need to be touched to be validated, and simply spending time laughing and talking would be enough to make him feel important. He wished he could go back to the moments where he wasn’t aware of anything at all. He missed not being himself. How cruel of the universe. To put right in front of him the description of what he had felt during those first encounters…the feeling he no longer experienced. The feeling of being alive as his skin was set ablaze by the wonderful sensations now he would hid from.

“…how cruel.” Asmodeus whispered, as he proceeded to sit beside Satan on the same step, resting his head on his brothers’ shoulder without thinking, their shoulders bumped together as Satan looked carefully at his brother.

“Cruel?” He raises an eyebrow.

“So…at first…they really didn’t feel anything for each other?”

“…I wouldn’t say that. They certainly felt something…but it isn’t the type of sentiment you thought it was. Truth be told…I think those two were so desperate to feel happiness and desired…that they fell in **** with the idea of a relationship and being wanted…and then it slowly morphed into what they had at the end. True, absolute devotion.”

Asmodeus stayed quiet at the mention of the word. But on his mind, there was such a turmoil that only grew with each passing moment. He didn’t know what he was missing. But he knew that when he found it, he would feel…whole. But each time he went to try and find it, he only came back with a bigger puzzle to resolve and with barely any pieces to put it together. With barely any grasping understanding of the subject that was torturing him night after night.

“…I still don’t understand.” He pouted, making Satan chuckle as he leaned back, resting his weight on his elbows as he tilted his head back, looking at the ceiling.

“Yeah, I think that’s the point. It isn’t something that we are ever going to understand. Not fully, at the very least, it’s just…it’s just something that is.” Satan sighed, before looking back at Asmo who still had the same expression. A lost one. “…but that’s better. In my opinion, at least. What fun is there to have in a question that is so easily answered?” Satan merely got a hum out of Asmo this time.

But the demon was listening. And he was wondering. Perhaps his brother was right…but he was not about to give up finding a concrete answer. After all, it was the only thing driving him at this point.

Ludus: Flirtation, playful, lively. The discovery of a crush, its rooted on having fun.

****

Hello~, I hope you all had enjoyed this chapter. This chapter was so hard to write, honestly. Mainly because I didnt know how to have Satan make the connection and explain it to Asmo, but here it is, and I really hope you all enjoyed it! next chapter will be published on Saturday like usual, until then!

Previous chapter

Next Chapter

Other works

[pikaflute]

hi, sudafed cleared my sinuses long enough to think so here’s a giant post about most of my charles headcanons

Playlist

OH btw here’s my 4 hour and 23 minute playlist for Charles. Enjoy. Yes I know I’m insane: https://open.spotify.com/user/pikaflute24/playlist/4DBxaaxbqsmJt9Fvl8AgwZ?si=OcXlYCdFRzOhuKa4p_HdUQ

General Headcanons

He was born November 24 1965. He’s currently 56, but I usually write him in his late 40s in most fanfic and content I make. So there’s this middle aged man....

He has hazel eyes. Sometimes they look green, sometimes brown. Sometimes they’ll be white but that’s when he’s using his magic so mind your business

Gear brand over his heart >:)c

:) i think he has piercings and tattoos, a skull (dead man teehee) on his upper arm, a tattoo of a date (the date pickles and him first met TEEHEE) on his left arm also has a tattoo on his arm of the day he “died” on his right. had his ears pierced when he was a teen.

Has a sweet tooth so hard. Smuggles in treats into the drawers of his desk just to snack on during the day and has a mini fridge just filled with ice cream and also sorts of other goodies. He loves brownies and cookies the most

Likes to work out and keep himself in shape. it takes his mind off of stressful things like work and the boys, and just take his morning practice sparring and doing various exercises in the mordhaus gym. 

he’s uh also very flexible so he does yoga a lot when he exercises. don’t. look too deep into that

cannot cook to save his life. he almost burned mordhaus down trying to make himself a sandwich

he can play guitar! he used to play it more often when he was younger but he rarely has the time to play it nowadays. when he does get to play it, it’s usually in private (and mainly songs by dethklok), or it’s to show off to a certain lead guitarist that yes he is playing that solo wrong

he’s ambidextrous but prefers using his right hand. he’ll use his left hand to spar in order to go easy on his opponents because hes a smug cunt

he’s 5′7 but intimidation factor adds a couple inches doesn’t it

has a scorpion named princess as a pet. he lets her sit on his desk sometimes and it scares the shit out of dethklok which makes charles laugh on the inside

hes also a cat person. one time toki brought a cat home and it settled on charles’ lap and he almost cried

loves to be a smug asshole and relishes in it. will not take shit from anyone, especially from some asshole who is trying to pull one over on him

he has no idea how social media works at all. will print memes out to show to dethklok, he’s very fond of cat memes specifically (i can has cheeseburger type beat)

he has no idea what any internet memes means he isn’t going to start learning. he is going to misuse internet phrases. are you boys, ah, finding the imposter? [cue five groans from dethklok]

knows a lot of languages. not a comprehensive list but: french, swedish, norwegian, spanish, italian, japanese, chinese, german, russian and korean

is very competitive. scarily competitive. once he starts losing in smash or mario kart all hell will break lose

very bad at showing emotions or affection, when he gets compliments he gets all red and quiet and mumbles a thank you. 

weird about being touched as well and will usually avoid it unless it’s with someone he trusts

speaking of, his love language is acts of service :)c

hates being called charlie or chuck, unless the right person calls him it ;)

he’s autistic. was nonverbal for most of his life and only talked to certain people, or anyone at all. he stims with his hands and uses his pens to fidget.

has a collection of novelty socks. he likes the ones that have polka dots or stripes

sleeps with a garfield plushie he had since he was younger. it helps him with the nightmares

when any of the boys need help sleeping (usually toki or pickles), he’ll sleep with them in his bed. after dying he had trouble sleeping some nights, so dethklok returned the favor and all piled up in his bed and helped him sleep. he didnt have nightmares after that night

hes nearsighted, and prefers to wear glasses over contacts

lactose intolerant, hes still eating mac n cheese and paying the price

metalhead but pretends to not be just to mess with his boys

crippling addiction to match 3 games. also loves to play minecraft.

overly self sacrificial. puts ones he love needs before his own, results in himself being very isolated and distant from those he cares about because he’s afraid of hurting them

his favorite colors are black and purple

coffee kinda guy. black coffee or bust

has a lot of cute novelty mugs to put his coffee in. he ones from places where dethklok tours, dethklok official ones (the only two that aren’t adorned with spikes), some cat themed ones, a couple that have ties and math references, and one from his boys that says “most brutal manager”. he drinks out of that last one the most

he has a couple of grey hairs and wrinkles, but he keeps them because they remind him that he’s human. also pickles said old men were hot but you didnt hear that from me

likes to play chess but he can never find a good opponent. all the klokateers are too scared if they win and dethklok is too distracted to ever play with him or they end up losing to quickly if charles plays against them

really wants kids. he babies his sister’s sons and daughters a TON (uncle charles always brings the best gifts :) ) and also treats toki like his own son in a way. toki doesnt mind, he really appreciates the love

speaking of, toki does call charles dad once and it makes charles cry for like. a week and a half

his favorite dethklok song is the gears :)

he likes to collect knives as a side hobby, his favorite of his collection is a sleek black one with skulls on the handle

he has a motorcycle and likes to drive it around sometimes to just be alone with himself. it’s all black with a red gear on it

lightweight but only if he drinks the amount dethklok drinks. can hold his alcohol fairly well if he drinks like a sensible human, prefers brandy and wine

he can smoke cigars to be sexy for me and me ONLY

likes to read in his spare time. he likes mystery novels and science fiction

he has soft spot for cheesy sitcoms, they’re his guilty pleasure

his favorite youtuber is lockpickinglawyer. yours should be too

usually sleeps in only his boxers but will wear a shirt if its’s cold. he tends to sleep on his side (also wants to be the little spoon when cuddled but he will never admit that)

takes vacations sometimes away from the boys despite his worry that something will go wrong (it will!). many of his vacations are usually going to visit his family and going to the shore with them, or travelling to somewhere new for a change (cue charles being a yakuza substory on his one vacation per year)

he can sew pretty well. learned from his mom and used to sew the whole his sister use to put through her soccer uniform.

can also do makeup, and usually does it for one of the boys of there’s no one else around to help

bites his lip when he’s nervous. which is a lot

likes chococat and gudetama. he’s a man of tastes

laughs really loud if you catch him off guard. he snorts sometimes too. he’s embarrassed by it, but i think its’ cute

loves law and order obviously 

he likes men

has a lot of pent up rage. very good at compressing it. sometimes

as high priest, he stays up very late trying to decipher the ancient prophecies that dethklok needed to fulfill. he doesnt sleep very much when he starts out because he misses home, so the band makes him come back (or else)

also as high priest he becomes more intune with magic granted to him after he died and he mainly uses his magic to protect his boys when they go back to being a band. also to fuck with them

the band he managed before dethklok was a band named savior who said they were a metal band with a unique sound, but that unique sound was actually just being a christian metal band that were bad at playing music. they also treated charles like shit and blamed him for them doing so poorly with sales and shows. had an unfortunate “accident” with a tour bus after charles had enough of their attitude towards him.  he denies he had anything to do with it (he did.)

Family/Childhood

He’s the baby of the family. Spoiled rotten to the max. He doesn’t admit it though but whenever he comes home you know he abuses the “:)c im the favorite” card

He has 4 older sisters: Caroline who is a high school civics teacher, Cynthia who is a librarian, Callie who is a coach for a soccer team, and Charlotte who is a lawyer/manager who manages Ladyklok, which gets awkward (and funny) when Abigail starts dating the lead singer Natalie

charles is actually one of the tallest in his family. his dad is 6’1 and his older sister Callie is 5’11. cynthia is 5’6, caroline is 5’6, and his mom and charlotte are 5’5.

his mom is a doctor and his dad is an accountant. his mom’s name is giovanna and his dad’s name is elijah

caroline is the oldest sister, followed by cynthia, callie, charlotte then charles.

Charlotte and Charles are sworn enemies since they were born on the same day a year apart and basically have the same job. They do love each other though

His father calls him Charles. Caroline and Cynthia call him Charlie. Callie calls him Chuck. Charlotte calls him Charles (derogatory). His mom calls him a whole slew of nicknames that she made up when he was young (she calls him cheese ball and he turns red)

caroline has a wife (lauren who is a chef) and two kids (evan and shelby)

cynthia is dating a coworker (viola)

callie has a husband (john who is a stay at home dad) and they have three kids (brenda, melissa, and jeff)

charlotte is dating ladyklok (and abigail). this is a weird flex on charles i think.

He had a race car bed when he was like 5

He also was also one of those kids at family game night. He almost killed Cynthia over a game of monopoly

Always got to lick the spoon first after his mom baked brownies

He grew up in North Jersey (derogatory) (also yes im projecting state shot)

He’s also Italian (derogatory)

He got bullied in middle school for a little bit but once his older sisters found out, oh boy did all hell break loose

Was in band in high school. He played flute (DONT TALK TO ME I LIKE PROJECTING), he was of course a soloist and incredibly smug about it

Took gymnastics as a kid. Can do a backflip on command. Also very flexible.

First manager gig was helping his sisters sell girl scout cookies. They raked in a lot of profits when baby bro was behind the scenes. His cut was eating thin mints for free

Loved Star Trek when he was a kid

Was incredibly gifted, and taught himself to read at a young age. didn’t talk that much though

was always sick when he was little. he would always get sinus infections and colds if someone even sneezed weird

was in mock trial in high school. one guy on his team was a jerk to him so charles made it a point to be this poor kid’s nemesis

was on the student council, treasurer of course.

was also in nhs, and he was treasurer there too

was that kid who insisted on doing the group project by himself because he didn’t want to wait on anyone to finish their part

was super rowdy as a kid, always got into trouble but his mom was a little lenient of punishment (hes a mommas boy)

when he was like super young he bit people cause he was just a little monster (charles' sisters: mom charles is biting again. charles, biting one of them: im not :/ sheesh)

wanted to be a lawyer since he was 7

put his own siblings and parents on trial and would win every trial and would always get the last cookie or a higher allowance

he shared his room with his sister Charlotte and they would set up a pillow fort on one of the beds and stay up late reading together 

loved going to the beach as a kid, his mom still has his collection of shells from the beach

on the boardwalk, he would dominate at claw machines anad carnival games. he won a bunch of plushies from himself (and his sisters obviously)

his dad and him have a super close bond. they watched star trek together and also like to watch how the stock market would do. his dad was also sometimes the judge in charles’ mock trials at home

they were very supportive when he came out as gay, he was also the first of his sibilings to come out of the closet

College

Got his masters in business management at rutgers and a JD (law degree) from seton hall law.

Started college when he was 18 (1983) and ended college when he was 26 (1991)

Wasn’t a party guy. Never got invited to many, but he never went unless a certain redhead was in town

Sustained himself off of ramen, coffee, and SSRIs to get his masters (hey man i feel ya)

Did weed like three times. Three of those times were because of, you guessed it, a certain redhead

Speaking of, his first time having sex was in his dorm with Pickles. Pickles also kicked him off of the bed (those beds are fucking tiny) while they slept, and almost burned Charles’ dorm down trying to make toast the next morning

Absolute did not do essays until the night before. Bad habit that made it’s way into Dethklok managing when he’s forced to write a legal brief before 12 am.

Loved calculus 2 for some reason. Nerd

Had a mullet. Pickles thought it was hot (still is) while Charles would rather die than remember anything about that horrid hairdo

Also went through his goth/emo phase while in Law School. He stuck out amongst the sea of sweater vests and polo shirts

Was in a band with his fellow college bandmates. The band was called Habeas Corpses and he was the lead singer who also played guitar. Their sound was kind of similar to TWRP’s first two EPs (The Device and 2nite). they had a grunge aesthetic, and yes charles dyed his mullet black (with a purple streak), for the band.

his bandmates were all fellow law students. dillan was on drums, margaret was their bass guitar, and nick was their keyboardist. all three of them also got tutored by charles while in law school. they are still best friends and write to each other sometimes

Was on the debate team, but uh kicked off due to be very competitive (he threatened to punch the opposing debater)

Was also in the chess club, also kicked off for being too competitive (lunged at a kid for cheating)

After being kicked from the two previous clubs, he joined fencing, his very competitive nature made him the best in the state

nick (the guy in charles’ band) was charles’ roommate the whole time they were in college. they may or may not have had a brief relationship before they realized they would be better as friends

nick also has a nes and charles loved to played zelda and wrote an entire guide for himself because he’s was that into the game (nerd)

occasionally would be found sleeping in the library on campus

wanted to be an RA but the resident association at his schools thought he was a little much. charles took this as a compliment

worked out a lot between studying and classes. a lot of jocks underestimated him because of his size but charles was just :) [casually lifts something heavy]

a lot of fellow classmates thought he was super cool cause of the leather he wore, and how cool and quiet he was, too bad they didnt know he was a huge nerd

tried skateboarding. once.

had a cadillac that barely started and drove like a piece of shit but that was charles’ baby

pickles tried to have sex with charles in said car btw, charles almost killed him for even daring to suggest to tarnish his beautiful baby

has damaged his back permanently because of all the books he used to carry around in his crappy back pack

did some modelling for one of his friends in college. he was very attractive and got some other modelling job through it. he tries to hide that from the boys in the future because he thinks it’s embarrassing

Relationship with Dethklok

Pickles - he’s known the drummer the longest out of any other member, and if you couldn’t tell by now, he had a brief relationship with the drummer back in the 80s (and maybe also still has a crush on him :)). charles respects and admires pickles’ talent as a musician and sometimes they play together when they have time alone. he tries to be there when pickles has a relapse in either emotions with his family or something else, but still tries to maintain a distance because he thinks that pickles doesn’t feel the same as he did in the 80s. (he does btw). nothing could break the bond these two share. not even death

Nathan - understands nathan’s quiet nature (nonverbal kings!) and strive for perfection in everything dethklok creates because he is the same way. their similarities allow them to connect on a level that allows nathan to open up about his feelings that he likes to lock away. nathan also gets charles to open his feelings up and actually care for himself for once in his damn life. charles also helps nathan with the depression he develops after charles dies and how to deal with it despite it being not brutal. nathan wants to give back and he does by becoming one of charles’ closest friends (and maybe even lovers hehehe)

Toki - charles has taken it upon himself to be toki’s father figure after seeing the way toki’s family has left him for essentially dead. ever since toki joined the band, charles has made it a point to be there for him whenever he needed it. even if it meant spending late nights reading to toki or sleeping over in toki’s room to help him sleep, he’ll do it. he blames himself for toki’s disappearance but toki assures him that he did the best he could. toki calls him dad a lot after doomstar. it makes charles cry.

Skwisgaar - unstoppable asshole meets immovable object. skwisgaar sees himself above everyone else like he does with the other dethklok members but with charles, skwisgaar knows that charles isn’t intimidated by him nor will he bow to the guitar god in anyway. this develops a game of cat and mouse between the two, with skwisgaar trying to no subtly push charles’ buttons and to see what makes him ticks, while charles resist him at every turn with a smug ‘:) is that all you got’ and it delights him to finally see the guitarist squirm under pressure.

Murderface - at first the two are very. distant to say the least. murderface used to see charles as unemotional robot and charles was fine with that and accepted the distance. overtime however, and especially after charles died, murderface warmed up to charles confiding in him things he hasn’t told the band, mainly things about his insecurities because charles is ‘fucking smart with crap like this’. and charles helps him and is happy to see him work out his problems and not bottle them anymore like the rest of his bandmates. charles also enjoys murderface’s company as a friend as well. and….he’s gonna help murderface the most with the whole traitor stuff too.

Abigail - mlm and wlw hostility. but seriously they’re good buds. he sympathizes with having to deal the moronic actions of dethklok on a daily basis and also thinks she’s really intelligent and overall fun to hang out with. they take lunch breaks frequently together and like to make fun of people at dethklok dinners together as a fun activity together. abigail will bully his ass once she finds out she’s dating charles’ sister and WILL bring up those baby pictures to get a higher raise thank you very much

Knubbler - can you say coworker besties! like abigail, he gets along because they both have to deal with dethklok being, well dethklok, but with knubbler, charles can relax a little more. the two cause problems on purpose just because they can. the two are also close friends and knubbler tries to get charles to relax for once in his life, and despite charles protests and objections, he sometimes caves and hands out with his friend (maybe boyfriend OOOOO who knows)

Sex Headcanons (IM SORRY)

um maybe he can have a giant dick (10 inches for me), it do be swinging though

daddy kink (everyone stay on this side, ill take care of him….come to daddy ;)c)

likes to do roleplay. he has a lot of costumes prepared for when his partner wants to do a scene with him

likes to bite and be bitten during sex. after a very long night, he’ll be covered in bite marks, it’s kinda hot

no gag reflex ;) he likes to deepthroat but good luck trying to get him to go down on you without him teasing

remember how i said he was flexible like eight times? yeah he uh, uses that a lot to his advantage. likes being fucked in weird positions because of it

the suit stays on during sex

he likes topping because he likes to be in control of everything he does all the time, but really wants to be told what to do sometimes and will let those he trusts do that for him

he has a dick piercing i know it

he's a very busy man, so he relies on his huge collection of toys he keeps in his bedroom and office

really good with his hands. as soon as those hands are on you, its game over

he loves to do it on his desk, makes him feel powerful. when he gets blown under his desk, it really takes all of his willpower to not cum immediately

really sensitive in weird places, specifically his ears

he likes to cuddle after sex, hes the little spoon :)

likes to be tied up, sometimes he’ll get tied up under his suit

mating press and riding are his favorite positions, giving and receiving

size queen, likes large toys and well ;)

has a private room that he sometimes goes to relieve stress, it has a fucking machine that he likes to use often when his job gets too stressful

he’s sucking people off at the klokateer glory hole, he’s uh, very good at what he does

likes to be spanked and like to spank

uses collars and leashes

maybe the klokateers can fuck him, if they’re good ;)

freeballing

likes cum on his face but doesn't seem to realize that means he’ll get cum on his glasses and will need to clean them

he can wear a chastity belt :) for me

likes being came in but will still complain about being gross after

pretty much up for anything, he’s not picky, he just wants to be in control and get off

[nepenthendline]

Mental Health Headcannons - Tsukishima, Kageyama, Ushijima, Tendou & Bokuto

All these are from my knowledge and based off of each character’s actions haikyuu, this is all my opinion so feel free to discuss other thoughts! I’m happy to talk about each more in depth if anyone would like it :) this is just me projecting my own problems on fictional characters

You can also message me if you wanna talk about these too!!

This is going to be long

TW: Mental health, learning difficulties, eating disorders, self-harm

Tsukishima - Depression, Anxiety & OCD

Tbh someone else (I’ve been trying to find their username to tag them but I can’t find it, they’re called something like theguessmonta but idk) has amazing posts about Tsukishima and his mental health which I totally agree with all of it so some of this is going to be pretty similar

I think his mental health problems started when he was quite young, around the time when the Akiteru drama happened so he’s been dealing with these for a while

Having depression can often make a person seem very disinterested/sarcastic/negative as a way of pushing back emotions and self-protection which explains a lot of the way Tsukishima acts towards some people (I have a whole post on how he isn’t just some asshole)

His anxiety stems from a place of terrible self-esteem and self-image, it’s clear to see he has a bad sense of self-worth when he talks about how people are obviously a lot better than him, he’s just there to ‘stop trouble happening’

Tsukki suffers from panic attacks quite regularly (especially when he was a bit younger) but he tends to shut himself off then they happen, he doesn’t want anyone else to see him like that

His anxiety and overthinking is often why he keeps his headphones on him at all times, listening to music helps drown out the sounds around him and those in his head

His OCD got worse over time - first it was things like turning the light switch on and off repeatedly until it felt right, or tapping on his desk before he went to bed, but as his anxiety and self-esteem got worse it developed into him needing himself to be perfect

This included only eating a certain amount of calories a day (no where near the amount he should be eating) or getting a very specific grade on an exam, where even one number over or under set him into a panic

Things got to their worst for Tsukki around the age of 13 - this is where he was much too underweight and self-harming on his hips (so no one else could see)

Probably also thought about suicide a couple times around this point

He has tried a couple different types of anti-depressants in the past, however none have seemed to help

He likes a lot of time alone - he gets too overwhelmed dealing with other people

The only person besides his family and Yamaguchi that knows about his OCD is Kageyama - they both noticed each others odd, repetitive habits until Kageyama asked him about it one day, while they don’t get along too well, they feel some comfort in each other understanding their actions

Kageyama - Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD)

wow what a smooth segue 

this boy is like a walking definition of ASD - coming from a person with ASD

Kageyama was diagnosed with Type 1/High-functioning Autism when he was very young (probably around 3-5 years old)

He struggles with social interaction, knowing what to say to people and most importantly, how to say it, e.g. when he smiles people often think he looks angry

Kageyama has never had many, if any, friends before Karasuno, as he has often struggled with conversation and speaking in an inappropriate tone that may make some people uncomfortable or even scared

He isn’t very good when it comes to remembering academic studies but if it relates to his fixations (volleyball) he is extremely intelligent - this is seen clearly when Daichi shows their team hand gestures and Kageyama says he remembered them in a day

Kageyama uses masking a lot - it’s a technique people with ASD tend to do which involves copying other peoples actions in order to understand social situations, he does this many times in the anime/manga such as his awkward BBQ song dance, or high-fives

He visited a social worker once a week while he was little until he started middle school, resulting in his behaviours getting worse

Towards the end of his first year at Karasuno he went back to therapies regularly and has anger-management training in order to help him express himself in a manageable way - he probably won’t admit it but it helps a lot (key note is that having anger-management training often does not have anything to do with anger, simply just managing emotions in general but it often a great type of therapy for those with ASD although he is a bit of an angry boi sometimes)

ASD comes with repetitive, almost OCD-like tendencies - two examples include filing his nails every single day and having a very specific routine before going to bed that consists of drinking milk, putting on pjs, laying in bed and throwing + catching a ball, brushing his teeth and going to bed on his left side - if he doesn’t do these things at the right times/in the right order, he gets extremely anxious and agitated

It is important to remember people with ASD tend to also have another mental health issue, such as anxiety or depression

Ushijima - Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD)

autism buds with kageyama

I kid thats probably a bad idea

Ushijima was also diagnosed with Type 1/High-Functioning Autism when he was 5

Unfortunately due to the stigma around Autism, his family (besides his father) were not very accepting of this and he was put into therapy at a young age

While this was actually helpful for him, his family insisted his therapies should ‘cure’ him and were dismissive of the many times a doctor told them that ASD is not a curable disorder

Outside of therapy he does not receive much support from his family, except his father who got him a pair of noise-cancelling headphones he used to wear until he 8 whenever they went out together - he was only allowed to wear them if it was just him and his father, the rest of his family thought it made it too obvious there was ‘something wrong with the child’

Extending on this, Ushijima was very sensitive to sensory input as a child, and while he still is, it has become easier to manager as he has gotten older

His ASD is most prevalent in his lack of understand ways of communication, such as sarcasm or jokes, and tends to take things very literally 

@simp4satori and I came to the conclusion that if you were to call him daddy during sex, or ask him to ‘punish you’ the poor boy would have NO CLUE - would probably call your dad and tell him you needed to speak to him, or say you can’t watch anime for a week lol 

He is extremely direct when he talks, to the point where it comes across rude or hurtful but he doesn’t realise this until someone mentions it

Tendou probably helps him rephrase things from time-to-time in order for him to get his point across

He gets very anxious when faced with things he doesn’t know about or understand (this is mentioned by Tendou in the manga), this can include people, going to new places or trying new foods

It is important to remember people with ASD tend to also have another mental health issue, such as anxiety or depression

Tendou - Depression and Anxiety (also a highly sensitive person - that’s not a mental health disorder or illness but it does affect him)

Tendou’s mental health suffered from a young age due to bullying in school

This caused a lot of low self-esteem and low mood, and he was later on diagnosed with depression and anxiety

Only his family, Ushijima and his coach know about this, and even then, only his family know any details

No one would really expect Tendou to deal with such mental health issues as he always keeps a bubbly, happy persona around others - he doesn’t want people to think he is weak or cowardly

It is also hard for others to see and he is someone with high-highs and low-lows, so when he is happy or excited his emotions are quite extreme

Tendou’s anxiety relates a lot to his image, mainly his appearance and the way he acts, but he is also a general over thinker

He doesn’t have panic attacks as often as Tsukishima does, however they do happen occasionally when things just get too much

He often thinks that people are staring at him, or talking about him whenever he goes out, and he tends to hid this by seeming overly cocky or sardonic

When his depression hits, he tends to just feel sad or hopeless instead of numb, which tends to trigger his anxiety too

Tendou used to self-harm often around his hips/thighs however he hasn’t done so since the end of his first year of high-school 

Probably makes a lot of dark ‘jokes’, especially around suicide and people semi are like ‘...dude...you ok?’ and he’s just like ‘hahaha yeah im fine what’

He doesn’t like alone time too much as he tends to get trapped in his own thoughts

As expected of the guess monster, he is extremely good at reading and understanding people, which is how he finds it easier to help and communicate with Ushijima

Bokuto - ADHD

A lot of people at Fukurodani think Bokuto is just stupid, however he actually has ADHD

He was diagnosed a lot later than the rest at 12 years old

Bokuto tends to struggle with his studies as his attention-span is very low and can get distracted easily - either by things in the classroom or his own thoughts

He’s very forgetful, often forgetting his lunch at home or forgetting to do/bring in his homework, and this goes into volleyball too where he forgets how to do certain moves

Taking exams are the worst for Bokuto, he hates having to be still and quiet for such a long time and is very sensitive to little sounds or movements that distract his attention - you’ll often find his bouncing his leg or fiddling with his pen

He tends to butt into conversations or interrupt people when they are talking, he just gets a bit too enthusiastic to share his thoughts

He has extreme mood-swings too which we see often in the anime, especially when he is stressed or someone mentions his behaviours

Is very reckless - Akaashi has probably had to stop him from leaning too far out the window and almost falling to look something

The whole Fukurodani volleyball team are aware of his ADHD and do their best to help him and make him feel comfortable or accepted

They are the only people allowed to call him stupid - they will fight anyone else

I think there are more characters with mental health illnesses or disorders, such and Yamaguchi, Yachi, Kenma and Asahi having anxiety so I might write more at some point!

[mephew-j]

okay now I'm curious about all the Pokemon headcanon stuff you got 👀

Oh, dear.

Right. Didn´t think anyone would be interested. Thought this was just another story for myself.

But I´ll gladly tell ya what my brain got up with so far (and what my time allows me to write - I´m not done yet!). =)

Also sorry for taking so long but I have been chipping away each evening after work as I wanted to give a proper answer. But then I received my second Covid-vaccination on Monday and I didn´t take it too well and felt horrible on Tuesday. But I´m good again. =)

Ok, so it´s literally a persona AU in the Pokemon world which doesn´t have a name - yet at least - located in a new region due to me wanting to have Pokemon that don´t all exist in the same region.

So there´s the ME! Persona – a human girl/woman who moved to a more rural part of the region with her mother when she was younger when her parents decided to split up.

There she went to a normal grammar school and made a small amount of friends while her mother found an office job at the local breeder´s facility that provides the professor of this region – Dr. Primrose – with starters. And like literally every other child she was fascinated by Pokemon and dreamt about becoming a Pokemon trainer after school. Really basic stuff this far.

But when her friends and her graduated she found herself doubting to be ripe to becoming a trainer at the age of 10. She simply didn´t feel ready to be on her own yet.

So as her friends left to become trainers she stood behind alone.

Her mother told her not to worry too much and to proceed school instead giving her an advantage over the others her age one day. And so she did.

She attended and finished high school and the idea of becoming a trainer had taken a backseat in her life.

When she was asked what she wanted to do now that school was officially over she found herself quite clueless and decided on taking a few internships – at the local Pokemon store, the post office, etc. but nothing really seemed fitting.

One day her mother asked her whether she´d want to give the Pokemon breeder facility a try. She agreed and took another internship there.

After just a week in it was clear that she would do an apprenticeship there to become a “Pokemon nursing assistant”. In these three years of practical and scholar education she didn´t just learn the profession but also grew as a person and got her driver´s licence.

Mostly she got educated by the Pokemon working there as it had always been easier for her to work/communicate with them than with other humans. But her human colleagues took great care of her, too, of course:

There was the leader of the facility – an elderly woman in her mid-50s who had once been a trainer herself - her Machamp, Blaziken, Sceptile, Swampert, Kangaskhan, Chansey and a hand-full of employees along with a few other Pokemon that were rather deemed unfit as starters or simply decided to stay, who did a great job at breeding, hatching and raising starters and orphaned Pokemon.

Especially one Treeko had become fond of her and was usually the one who took her by the hand.

Nearly at the end of her apprenticeship the facility leader took her to the side and asked her to consider becoming a trainer after all as she would have “just the right stuff” to be a considerably good one.

Again Me! hesitated for a while until she decided to give it a try this time. She packed her things and when she went to the breeder facility to say Goodbye the previously mentioned Treeko quickly fetched his Pokeball. He stood in front of her waiting for her to kneel. Surprised she followed the invitation and when she had reached his level the Treeko placed the ball into her hands and gave her an asserted look. She reciprocated with a smile and nodded.

The Pokemon:

-Treeko/Grovyle/Sceptile: A male Treeko who was bred and born as one of the first ones in the breeder facility and was later handed to Dr. Primrose along with other starters to be picked by young trainers at the start of their journeys.

Unfortunately, though he was deemed unfit as a starter after several children had called Dr. Primrose shortly after they had chosen him as their partner and told her that they simply couldn´t handle him; he wouldn´t listen to a word they said or that he would be overall renitent.

Dr. Primrose had taken him back every time to give it a new try but decided to send him back to the breeder facility in the end. “No Pokemon can be forced to be a trainer´s Pokemon.”

The facility took him back and let him help there which he did.

Several years passed until one day a young woman showed up and started her internship at the facility. She seemed lost and shy like a Pokemon that had just hatched so the Treeko was quick to take pity on her. The pity then grew into fondness and when it was clear the now graduated trainee would start her own journey he rushed into the warehouse, grabbed his Pokeball and handed it over to her.

He had decided to be her starter.

The Treeko/Grovyle/Sceptile in my AU has a much higher age than a normal starter would have and more knowledge of life. Sometimes his behaviour will come close to that of a parent. His level also had been a little higher due to occasional fun-fights between him and some other Pokemon at the facility. It´s no wonder that he also had been the first one of the team to evolve closely followed by Yamask/Cofagrigus.

- Yamask/Cofagrigus: Me! and Treeko encountered him as they crossed a small deserted and desolate part of the region mostly inhabited by poison and ghost types just a few days from their hometown.

The Yamask seemed to be alone and hid badly behind the little that was there to hide behind as the two travellers took a quick break and meal. As it wasn´t hard to spot the ghost in his concealment Me! prepared a third meal and cautiously shoved it over the hiding Pokemon who took the food gratefully after inspecting it thoroughly.

When the two went on their way the Yamask must have followed them as they spotted him again when they erected their night quarters many hours later and quite far away from the bleak land.

´Weird, especially ghost Pokemon usually act in groups. Why is this one alone?´ Me! thought as she prepared another extra dish for the unusual guest before going to sleep.

In the course of the night Me! woke up again and again only to find the Yamask having come a little closer every time she opened her eyes until he had found his place right next to her and her Treeko on her camping mat by dawn.

So the next morning it had been clear to Me! that they´d have a new team member and as Treeko didn´t seem to mind the the new Pokemon in any negative way either Me! caught the Yamask.

Me! considered the Yamask could have only been a few weeks old as it didn´t act like a ghost type at all – sure every ghost Pokemon had their own personality but they were usually inclined to show certain character traits such as enjoying the one or the other prank or scare on their fellow Pokemon or even trainer – but this one acted more like it had just hatched. She had seen it several times before after all. This assumption had been confirmed in the next Pokemon Centre.

Yamask was a very timid, shy and overall scared Pokemon who would have always hid behind his trainer and would have always searched for shelter and warmth usually sleeping in Me!´s arms and thus in the middle of Me! and Treeko.

Me! never forced him to fight and in the beginning he didn´t seem too keen on doing so anyway. But the more he watched other Pokemon fight the more he seemed to want to try it on his own because one day – a fellow Pokemon trainer had challenged Me! – he simply hopped in front of Treeko and asserted himself. Treeko took a few steps back and gave him the opportunity. Yamask lost the fight horribly and when Treeko took over he evolved.

Spurred on by that event he tried to fight again and again and lost several times. Whenever he went K.O. he´d always watch Grovyle fight and tried to learn from him as best he could.

Until one day he won. From that they on he insisted on fighting all the more and as he actually won his fights now Grovyle barely had to take over.

When he evolved though he was overwhelmed and had a hard time coping with his new form. Other Pokemon – especially smaller ones – suddenly were scared of him and other trainers that had called his prior form “cute” were now frightened as well. He smiled at them but that only made it worse. He was barely able to move around let alone fight and what was he supposed to do with these appendages? He was especially upset that the couldn´t sleep in his trainer’s arms anymore.

The little self-confidence he had been able to built up through fights was blown away.

Me! hit a countless amount of books trying to help her Pokemon and while she could help him with some problems several other were left untouched.

Luckily though the team met another trainer soon after who had a fully grown/asserted Cofagrigus. The trainer and their Cofagrigus gladly helped and things turned better quickly allowing Me!´ Cofagrigus to move around properly and even fight again.

Me!´s Cofagrigus had never been one of the stronger Pokemon but he always tried his best and at some point his high level alone gave him an advantage.

Through all of the story Cofagrigus´ character barely changed; he had always been a timid and friendly Pokemon searching for his trainer´s affection and proximity seeing her as his mother. Though he had grown as a person being more self-confident (especially in fights) and self-aware having learnt that ghost-types were quick on inclining fear on others. The latter he would only “abuse” when things actually got dicey.

He would oftenly search for his trainer´s hand to hold while they were walking.

Me! had the idea to try and learn and teach Cofagrigus sign language as she had seen and read several documentations and articles about people teaching Pokemon this language. And a Pokemon with hands – how handy was that?

Me! sleeps in a sleeping bag on Cofagrigus whenever they are out in the wild with a ghost hand carefully placed on her shoulder. She would never admit that this causes her sacroiliac pain sometimes though.

- Ralts/Kirlia/Gardevoir: Male

- Sizzlipede/Centiskorch: Female

- Darkrai:

- Honedge/Doublade/Aegislash: Male

The other characters:

- (Name) and her Gastly/Haunter/Gengar “Na-na”: (Name) had never had a very close relationship with any of the family members as she had always been the odd one out even as she was little. Her grandmother – she fondly called “Na-na” - was the only exception as she also had been one to fall out the line.

Her grandmother had always used to tell her stories, myths and legends from all around the globe as she had been travelling as a young Pokemon trainer herself. (Name) had always loved these stories and her grandmother´s presence especially as she had always been the one to encourage her on whatever she did.

“I wanna be a Pokemon trainer just like Nana!” she once exclaimed in front of her entire family at a party. Her whole family immediately turned on her grandmother and accused her of planting stupid ideas in the little child´s mind. It wasn´t common to train Pokemon in this family but to get a good graduation and a well-paying job instead.

From that day on she was forbidden to see her grandmother. Though that didn´t stop any of the two to still be in contact; they wrote little messages and attached them onto “Nana”´s Murkrow to deliver the messages, whenever a lesson would have been omitted she would speed to her grandmother´s house to at least see her a few minutes, etc.

One day though no new message had arrived. Nor had any followed the next day.

She kneeled to her parents and pleaded to drive to her grandmother´s house and after a few hours they agreed and drove there. But when no one opened her parent´s started to worry as well and called the police.

…

A few days later was the funeral. (Name) had only been 7 years old and had lost the only person who she truly cared for and she didn´t cope with it well throwing temper tantrums, hitting other children in school, hitting even her parents.

They didn´t know what to do so they sent her to a children-psychologist with little effect.

One night when she had been lying awake again she had decided to go to the graveyard – she needed someone to talk, she needed her grandmother.

When she arrived at her grandmother´s tombstone she couldn´t keep it in any longer and yielded in crying.

Startled by the sound a Gastly flew up from behind the tombstone and paused in mid-air looking at the child below it. (Name) has had raised her eyes by now and looked at the Ghastly with big eyes.

She immediately remembered one of her grandmother´s stories in which a young couple had a baby but the mother died in childbed fever. When the husband and the baby visited the mother´s grave one night a ghost emerged from it and they were together again.

It had only been a legend from another region her grandmother had told her once but for (Name) it had been very real at this moment.

“Na-na” she had whispered and the Ghastly had come closer circling (Name) curiously.

To (Name) that had been an acknowledgement she was seeing her grandmother again.

From that day on she had been visiting the graveyard every night, so very happy to her grandmother again and talk to her and the Ghastly would await her arrival.

The psychologist had been assuming she would have made her grandmother up as some sort of imaginary friend as some children would do. Telling this her parent´s they were very relieved.

Until one morning a Ghastly came hovering down the stairs next to their daughter. The parents immediately panicked and yanked their daughter away from the Pokemon but when (Name) cried out “No! Leave Na-na alone!” they halted and called their daughter´s psychologist.

He advised them to better leave the Pokemon with their daughter as it did her extremely well and they complied unwillingly.

Why- of all Pokemon out there – did it have to be a ghost/poison type, wouldn´t have a Meowth or a Cleffa done too?

Name and Ghastly would have gone everywhere together from now on if others approved of it or not.

When (Name) had been old enough she started her own journey without her parent´s consent yet still they had known they couldn´t have kept her from going – she had been taken too much after her grandmother.

The two have been travelling the region from then on together knowing they can always rely on each other as many situations have already proven.

Of course (Name) has realized Na-na is not her actual grandmother long ago.

Na-na is female.

Institutions:

- The PSO (The Pokemon Safety Orgnaisation)

[reneejuliet]

idk if I sent the ask about save me and moonchild or not but would love to hear about them ans also all night long, danger , bliss ..if you don't mind :D

Hi yes hello! I got both of them, but I’m gonna just answer them all on this one!

As far as moonchild and danger go, I answered that here. I unfortunately don’t have too much going for either, so I can’t really give much more info or samples of those.

Save Me is my crappy attempt at a hybrid fic, focusing on the maknae line. I’m entirely unfamiliar with writing hybrids, only read a few myself, but I’ve been trying to challenge myself more by branching out of my comfort zones. It’s like a main focus of Jimin x reader, but obviously also features Taehyung and Jungkook. Undecided if the other members make an appearance or not. Here’s a very little bit:

You were almost in your car, butt nestled just on the edge of the seat, when you heard it. A clang of metal, a low hiss. Something akin to a growl. Your skin bristled, sent a shiver down your spine. But you weren’t afraid. Not yet, anyway.

Still half in your car, you waited, straining your ears. All you could hear was the grumbling of your car, the angry gurgles of the river. An occasional howl of wind as it wound through the windows of empty buildings. Nothing that should be out of the ordinary.

A gasp was torn from your lips as another breeze blew by, rippling your coat and chilling your skin. You felt the tell-tale drops of rain on your cheeks. Whatever it was you thought you heard, it was obvious you couldn’t wait around to figure it out. The weather was only going to get worse, and you had to return to the restaurant before you could go home. So you shifted your weight completely into your seat, closing the door behind you. The car groaned as you shifted gears, lights flickering for a moment before you pressed forward.

But it was only a couple feet before debris suddenly fell from above, clashing on the hood of your car before you slammed to a stop. Your eyes shot up, anger surging through your veins in preparation –

Only to be met with eyes, perched two stories above you. Three sets, all staring widely at you in shock and fear. As you stared back, you noticed the slight gleam in the nearest set. The way they seemed to refract light even in the dark. Your breath hitched in your throat.

Hybrids.

All Night Long is kind of a shitpost in my WIPs, lol. It didn’t have much focus when I was just dumping out the trash from my brain, but it ended up becoming something for Jungkook. Kinda self-indulgent, and actually the first bit of smut I ever actually wrote out, without choosing wording that just hinted at what was happening. Not sure this will turn into anything, but just in case, I’ll dump this bit here:

He'd fully intended to walk away after correcting you, but once you were in his grasp, responding eagerly to his touch - his mind went blank. He found himself beginning to guide you through the entire choreography, hovering close to you at every possible moment. And when you went into the body roll followed by the hip thrust, his eyes darkened at just how well you performed them now. Without warning, his feet stumbled him toward you until you were pinned beneath him against the mirror, chests pressed together, tension thick in the air around you as your breaths mingled in what little space still existed between the two of you.

"Don't sleep with Hoseok," he whispered under his breath, voice rough and ragged with his desire for you. He was desperate by now, shaking with the inability to control himself any longer.

His words didn't register at first through the haze surrounding you, every inch of your body focused on just breathing with him this close to you. He was intoxicating, though, especially so near that you could smell his cologne and sweat. The heat radiating from his body, so close you could feel each breath he took, could have melted you where you stood. Until the words finally did register, and a sudden awareness sparked in your eyes.

"What?" you asked, voice a whisper, but sharp. Your eyes narrowed at the younger man before you, breaths quickening in his ensuing silence. "What did you just say?"

His mistake landed with a heavy clarity on his shoulders at the way you glared at him now, his heart rising to his throat and choking off anything he could have said. He swallowed with difficulty, unable to move away from you just yet.

He didn't have to, though, as you suddenly put your hands between you and shoved him off of you. You side-stepped him to put more distance between your body and his, allowing the stuffy air of the practice room to fill your lungs and clear out the smell of him. When you spun back on your heel, accusatory look on your face, you were met with his wide-eyes, gaping mouth as he tried to find something to say. The heady look was still lingering on his face, and it panged something in your stomach, but you ignored it.

"How do you even know about that?" you hissed, hands lifting to tangle in your loose hair. "That - that was a private conversation!"

"I'm sorry," he finally muttered, the words breaking on his tongue. "I'm sorry, I - I didn't mean to overhear, I just... did, and..." His eyes turned pleading again, though they were softer this time, less desperate. "Please, though. Noona... don't sleep with Hobi."

You threw a hand out in his direction, unsure what you were even doing with it except interrupting him. "I didn't - Wh - That is none of your business, Jungkook!"

His head bowed for a moment, fully aware of how accurate your statement was. It wasn't any of his business, yet here he was anyway. "I know," he breathed, squeezing his eyes shut before turning to face you. "I know, I just-"

Bliss is, if anyone hasn’t guessed, my WIP for the second half of Ignorance is Bliss. It’s mostly outlines and research I did on brain activity, synapses, amino acids, etc., as well as main points I want to make sure I hit. Everything I’ve tried to write out yet has ended up scrapped because I haven’t liked it, but I do have this:

Bliss patches induce a certain emotion into users by releasing a chemical agent into the bloodstream that targets the synapses of the brain. The synapses then release the chemically fabricated neurotransmitters to stimulate the specific area of the hypothalamus pertaining to that emotion. Such emotions can include happiness, joy, anger, upset, or calm. Other affects, such as sleep and focus, are replicated within the brain by targeting and stimulating other areas of the hypothalamus. The affects of the pills/patches are harmless and wear off after a few hours.

Until a mutagen is introduced into the chemical makeup of Bliss patches that targets and distorts the amino acid tryptophan. The mutagen infuses into the tryptophan and corrupts its structure, causing it to deteriorate from within the body at a rapid rate. Without tryptophan, the body cannot survive. Thus a dependency upon the Bliss patches is formed, distorting the neurotransmitters within the brain and turning the user into a “junkie”.

Genetic mutation becomes further explored by developing a chemical compound that can be introduced into the bloodstream of a mother and absorbed into the nutrients passed on to her unborn child. This compound infuses with the genetic coding still forming within the child, altering the DNA to allow for sensory stimuli to be increased within the developing lobes of the brain. The mutation is experimental, thus the first few cases are both varying and unpredictable. The different lobes in the brain contract and expand at varying intervals, allowing for a concentrated amount of skill to be stimulated from within the lobes at any one time. These skills are activated by the increased focus of the neurotransmitters to the particular cells in use as the others have contracted, therefore require less communication. The mutation has been known to not remain limited to the brain, often including an accelerated rate of mending among the cells and tissues of the rest of the body, promoting a super human ability to heal. Though highly valuable among the test subjects, this mutation is very unstable and can often create an imbalance within the body.

^^Whether the science holds up or not (science is far from my forte lol), this is a more comprehensive breakdown of how Bliss works in that world, and why it’s such a slippery slope.

Hope that fed you well! 

[thetriggeredhappy]

I love your writing so much! Can you do more engiespy?

welcome to sweet domestic dad hour featuring these sweet domestic dads

(warnings for offhanded mention of mercenary work but no actual violence)

-

Spy was being far too sweet, which was his first hint that something was wrong.

Coaxed always from work to get something to eat, his choice made a bit easier by the fact that Spy had gone to the liberty of making dinner for the two of them. Not anything as fancy and involved as he probably would’ve liked, there on a bench together in his workshop with fluorescent lights and not candles, but delicious and pleasantnonetheless.

Spy had finished eating first, and taken to being all kinds of distracting, one hand wandering over his back and the other on the table in front of him tapping a slow, pleasant rhythm as he talked about some of the details he could disclose from his most recent mission. Once that conversation came to a close, Spy instead took to being even more outright distracting, kissing at the Engineer’s jaw and along his face in a way that would probably make most people absolutely melt.

But he was a little more used to such displays, behind closed doors and in the security that privacy provided, so he merely smiled and leaned into it, appreciating the affection without trying too hard to push for more. Spy was like a cat, in some ways—he would dispense his attention and loving gestures whenever he saw fit, but might flee at a moment’s notice if he felt trapped at all in it.

It was just that all of this was a good bit more effort than Spy generally went to—already an unusually high amount—and in a different way that usual, not to mention entirely unprompted. So the Engineer was a little bit worried.

He didn’t push it until he was done eating, and cleared their plates away, and told Spy that he had a bit more work to do but it could wait a little while. And he returned to being fawned over for a short time before tucking a hand under Spy’s chin to tug him into a long, slow kiss, and when he pulled back, then and only then did he say anything.

“You feelin’ alright?” he asked gently, quietly, and Spy’s eyebrows rose.

“Do I not seem to be?” he asked, light and teasing.

“You seem a little too alright,” Engie shrugged, and kissed him again for a lengthy moment before he pulled back and continued. “And it’s nice and all, but I worry, you know.”

Spy hummed, looked over his face. Pulled him into a series of short, almost playful kisses before he pulled back a bit further to reply. “Well. I suppose I just have some things on my mind,” he said simply. “Not necessarily unpleasant things, merely large ones.”

“Penny for your thoughts?” the Engineer asked.

“They’re worth much more than that, mon cher,” Spy joked, and his expression fell back to a neutral sort of contentment a moment later. “I suppose it isn’t so much... regrets. Just what might have been, would things have been a little different.”

“More “would if”s, not “what if I hadn’t”, then?” he asked.

“A little of both,” Spy admitted. He considered his words for another few moments, and the Engineer did him the favor of relinquishing eye contact to instead return Spy’s earlier affections, kissing beneath his jaw and ear and ignoring, as he always did, how odd the fabric of a mask felt. “I was simply thinking about how, had I met you twenty years ago rather than five, I might have killed you rather than fallen in love with you,” he finally admitted, and the Engineer stopped.

“...Uh huh?” he asked, pulling back to look at him.

Spy nodded. “I just suppose it’s... interesting to think about.” A small smile. “I was a different man back then. Much more cocky, much less scarring.”

“Wonder whether those might be connected somehow,” he joked.

His smiled widened just a touch. “I wonder.” Spy then leaned in to kiss at him some more.

“Think we’d have ended up like this if we met now, not five years ago?” Engie asked, tilting his head obligingly to give Spy access to the space below his jaw. “If we hadn’t been hired on together until now?”

“Assuming I was still alive,” Spy demurred against his pulse point, “and still willing to be hired here, and still fit for mercenary work, then... I don’t see why not.”

“Another five years from now?” he asked next.

“Again, assuming I would still be alive,” Spy hummed.

“You don’t think you would be?”

“I’m almost certain I wouldn’t,” Spy snorted, pulling back to look at him. “Already it was a combination of exceptional skill and astronomical luck that I made it far enough to be hired here, mon cher. I should not like to push that further.”

“And you think if we’d met earlier, you’d’ve killed me?” he asked next.

“That was my primary reason for meeting interesting new people, yes, was that I was hired to kill them,” Spy agreed, laughing a little. He leaned in for another kiss, this one brief. “Or perhaps, upon being hired to kill you, I would have instead fallen for your sweet Southern charms and given up a life of espionage altogether, mon beau, who knows?”

“Think I could’ve made a farmhand outta you?” he laughed, disbelieving but not upset. “Gotten you to settle down and go domestic, while I kept at work on my machines?”

“Well,” Spy hesitated, eyes flickering away for a moment, posture shifting. “It would not be out of the question, I’m sure.”

“What makes you say that?”

“It is not out of the question now, either, which surely means something,” Spy said, a touch fast, a touch clipped, not quite entirely looking at him.

Silence, for the several seconds it took for the weight of that to sink in, then he kissed Spy again for a long moment to buy the time to think of a response for that. When he pulled back, Spy looked a little tense. “Think you’d be happy like that?” he asked quietly.

“I’m... not sure,” he admitted. “Perhaps... I would still enjoy traveling, and... I do enjoy keeping up with world politics. But I’ll admit that I’m getting a little tired of fighting and murder. It’s lost the thrill, somewhere along the line. And when this job is over, I’m not sure I could commit to it for much longer, and... already, in most ways, you’re...”

He waited for Spy to sort his words out, clearly having a difficult time with them, unable to look him in the eyes.

“Already in some ways you fill that sort of role. A... place to return to. An anchor, almost.”

“Lighthouse?” he suggested lightly.

“Lighthouse, tether, safe haven, there are plenty of words I could use, mon chou. But... by this point in my life, the idea of somewhere and someone to return to after traveling is extremely appealing.” Spy smiled a little. “I suppose I may be getting old.”

“Well, apparently much younger and you’d be stabbing me in the back,” the Engineer joked, and Spy’s shoulders shook lightly with a silent laugh. He paused. “I guess we’ll wait and see. I don’t think I’ll ever stop working for Mann Co. in any official capacity, legacy Engineer and all, but... my father and grandfather both got to settle down at about this age, don’t see why I wouldn’t be allowed to.”

Spy nodded at that, paused for a long moment. When he spoke, his tone was much more lighthearted. “I intended for this conversation to be much more romantic. And with slightly more fanfare than a Tuesday night with work in the morning,” he admitted, just a little bit self-deprecating.

“You made me dinner,” he pointed out.

“...I did,” Spy agreed.

“Might have a candle or two around here somewhere,” he joked.

Spy raised his eyebrows. “Why do I get the distinct impression that you are making fun of me, mon cher?” he asked.

“Now where would you’ve gotten an idea like that?” he chuckled, and planted a kiss on Spy’s cheek.

A little hum. “Well. We can talk about it more later. As it is, I’ve taken up far more of your time than I should—“

“Always welcome in here,” he reminded.

“But not for terribly long when you have work to do,” Spy returned, and moved to stand. “I will be seeing you.”

“Have a good night, Spy,” he said, knowing well what it looked like when Spy was a little uncomfortable with the amount of honesty he’d dispensed and needed time to collect himself.

“You as well, Tinkerer,” Spy said, and disappeared from sight with a wave, and within two minutes the smell of his cologne and cigarette smoke faded from the room, and the Engineer was left entirely alone. And he didn’t particularly worry about it. Spy made it clear that he’d always come back eventually.

[diffuserlover]

Hello! Can I get Stray Kids, ATEEZ, and NCT ship? 💚

Appearance: She/her. 179cm tall, rectangle body shape. Fair skin complexion with quite a few birthmarks. Dyed dark brown-reddish, past shoulder-length, straight hair with bangs. The left eye is a mix of two colors – a smaller portion of (darker) greyish-blue and a larger portion of hazel; while the right eye is just a (lighter) greyish-blue. Heptagon face shape with two dimples on the left cheek and one on the right cheek (only visible while smiling). A gap between the upper front teeth.

Personality (good and bad traits): Ever since I was a kid, I was always quite mature for my age – I identify myself as an old soul. I come off as polite and well-mannered to strangers, yet I tend to keep it to myself by being reserved. But, that’s because I have social anxiety and I’m nervous and shy when meeting/talking to people. The only people I’m comfortable with being with my inner circle – closest friends and family. I am usually more “open” with my friends than with my family. With my friends I can be my “truest-self” – I smile more, I laugh more, I feel more accepted and understood. I am the mom and the fashionista of the group. Don’t get me wrong, I am fiercely protective of my family, especially of my mother and younger sister. But, lately, I’ve been feeling like the “black sheep” of the family, Cinderella who’s been taken advantage of. I express my affection for the people I care about in little, but practical, ways. I can be a little stiff when it comes to open, gushy displays of affection. Others turn to me for help and advice. I’m kind-hearted and generous, always ready to help a person in need. Always have been motherly towards children. Very awkward at keeping small talk (usually with people that I’m not that close with). Absolutely, hate speaking in front of a public, and if I do, because of my nervousness, I tend to mess up my words and/or I practice whatever I’m about to say in my head at first. I appreciate the simplicity and am often most comfortable when I’m not getting too much attention from the world. I am sensitive – both to criticism and to others’ feelings (I sponge up the feelings and moods of people and the environment around me). Have a hard time saying no or expressing my true thoughts, feelings. I get influenced by other people’s opinions/thoughts quite hard (I take everything to the heart), that is why I tend to keep a lot to myself (may come off as a little bit tense, secretive, mysterious). I avoid the harsh reality by daydreaming (almost every day) – imagining myself in situations far from my current circumstances. Sort of like a self-escape. I worry a lot and overthink almost everything. I am easily distracted and my attention span can be quite short. I have an internal struggle between my needs and wants. I can lack focus and be indecisive as a result – when I decide on one route, I am pulled in another direction at the same time (“But what if…”, “on the other hand...”). That is why I’m having a bit of a struggle with deciding what I want to do in the future (career-wise). I am easily overwhelmed by pressure and stress. There is a self-destructive side to me (self-critical, lack of self-confidence) that I’m working on by confronting my fears (coming out of my shell). Don’t like taking pictures, or other people taking pictures of me. I feel most content when I’ve straightened out all the details of everyday life. I have a routine, that I follow by mostly every day, and if something small changes in that routine, I start to have a small internal anxiety attack. Also, I like to do things my own way, like, when it comes to cleaning the house or organizing stuff, etc. I get triggered even if people don’t do the laundry the way I do. I guess you could describe me as a perfectionist, clean/control freak. In triggering situations I can be impulsive, spontaneous, quick to act. Quick flare-ups of anger/annoyance when being provoked on my patience. Even when I’m feeling low, I manage to find humor in life and have fun with whatever I do have. Although I tend to bottle things up, I am an emotional person and my emotions are genuine – I love and care deeply and passionately and wish no ill will upon anyone, yet it hards for me to imagine someone falling in love with me or just liking me.

Hobbies, likes: My hobbies are cleaning, writing (re-writing song lyrics, making small notes, writing stories), listening to any type of music, catching up on my favorite films and TV shows, hanging out with friends, going to the cinema, or the club, being out in nature, reading, traveling. I like history, cooking, fashion magazines (or fashion in general), road trips, spirituality, mythology, books, orange juice, previous decades, cottage-core, dark academia.

Overall: Hufflepuff. INFP-T. Bi-sexual. Pisces-Aries cusp sign. “Looks like could kill you, but is actually a cinnamon roll.” A feminist, support LGBTQ+ community. That’s it, thank you!

Hii! Thank you so much for requesting!! I hope you like your ships!! I got a little carried away so sorry it’s a little long:)

Stray Kids:

I ship you with...

Chan

He is very comforting and knows how to get to you😚

Whenever you are overthinking or overwhelmed he can tell🥲

He will sit you down and try to get you to talk about your feelings with him or he would take you out somewhere to distract you from whatever is overwhelming you💗

He would understand your perfectionist side and always makes sure that everything is perfect for you😁

He keeps you updated with his schedule if it ever changes because he knows how much you like a regular schedule 🥰

You guys probably share a calendar so all of your events are in one space☺️

He finds it so cute how polite and kinda nervous you were when you first met🤩

He always supports you and your goals for coming out of your shell, he is always so proud whenever you do😇

Chan helps you as much as he can when finding something you want to do career wise but due to the amount of stress it gives you I would say it causes some arguments🥲

He would never let the public see you and if your relationship ever gets released he is never saying your name or showing any photos because you knows you don’t like to be in the public eye😭🥰

He is beaming whenever he sees you with kids🥺

You guys are like the mom and dad of stray kids😊

He likes to take you to the studio and work on songs together for fun🤗

You guys go on walks a lot together to just look at the scenery 😌

He never watches shows or movies without you😋

You guys cook together a lot, you guys always have fun it’s not too serious while cooking😆

Extroverts and Introverts go best with each other 🙂

Chan reassures you a lot that he loves you and that he is so grateful to have you in his life☺️

Overall, you and Chan have the sweetest relationship. You guys are literally perfect together🥰

ATEEZ:

I ship you with...

Seonghwa

You and Seonghwa are both perfectionist😊

You guys have a schedule and certain ways of cleaning 🤗

You clean together to make it more fun😚

Wooyoung most likely makes fun of you for it😆🤣

Seonghwa I feel is really good at listening and you can tell he is really listening when you look into his eyes😍

He gets butterflies whenever you are with children he just finds it so cute 🥺😭

He appreciates how you leave little notes in his bag telling him sweet things, he always tries to give you little notes as well😇

Seonghwa is always considerate of your feelings 🥰

Extroverts and introverts go best together🙂

He treats you a lot even if that means just buying the food at the cinema he will do it🤗

When he knows you have had a long day he will cook for you😄

If he has had the worst day or if he is super tired he might just give you the silent treatment, you might have to physically ask him if he’s okay😬

He likes to sit down and have a meal with you 😊

I feel like you both don’t have much patience and kinda lash out on each other but it’s never something super serious😚

Seonghwa absolutely adores your smile and you always find something to laugh about😁

Overall you and Seonghwa have a real connection🥺

NCT ot23:

I ship you with...

Xiaojun

He is so sweet but he also silly😆

You guys are in the studio a lot☺️

He likes to play the guitar for you, you guys have written quite a lot of songs together 🥰

You guys have a lot of nights in just watching movies and cooking together😄

He loves your laugh so much it makes him smile just thinking about it😍

He understands how you like a schedule and doesn’t want to mess it up when something comes up, he always makes sure to call you or text you when he can to tell you😭🤗

He tries not to overwhelm you with his problems cause he feels bad but he also wants to talk to you about it, he has a hard time deciding😚

Xiaojun always makes sure you okay before checking on himself😇

He would never be as kind to his members than he is with you😂💀

Xiaojun loves his snacks, you guys go shopping at least 2 times a week so he can get his snacks🤣

He loves writing with you because he loves to see the passion in your eyes🥰

He studies the way you clean the house because if he ever wants to do it he doesn’t want to get it wrong😆

I don’t think Xiaojun is really into physical affection so I feel like he would be fine without heavy amounts of it😁

He loves how kind you are☺️

He labors to mess around and do anything to make you laugh or smile🙂

Overall you and Xiaojun are really cute and fun🤩

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #383

“the big bully try to stick his finger in my chest  /  try to tell me, tell me he’s the best  /  i don’t really give a good goddamn ‘cuz i got my lunchbox & i’m armed real well”

Ever had a friend online for a long time without seeing a photo of them? Well yeah. Most of my friends are online, and while I've seen pictures of most at least once or twice, some I still haven't. The last time you threw up, what caused it? It was a side effect of a mood stabilizer I started. Any foods from other countries you would like to try but haven’t yet? I'm sure there's something, idk. Do you think the world would be more peaceful without any religion? Yes. Have you ever had a stalker? No. Does it hurt your feelings when people talk shit about things you love? It makes me self-conscious way more than anything. I start to obsess over whether or not the person things poorly or weirdly of me for liking what I like. I just feel judged for liking it, but that's my problem. Do you like it when people give you nicknames? I do, actually. It feels kinda affectionate to me. Do you often find yourself checking out people’s butts? Haha I'm not gonna say it's never happened, but it's not something I make a habit out of for sure. What fandoms are you in? MEERKAT MANOR IS BACK BAYBEEEE, Markiplier, Silent Hill, Shadow of the Colossus, World of Warcraft, Spyro, Wings of Fire, and lots more, honestly. I'm into a lot of stuff, and I don't love in moderation, haha. Are there any fandoms you used to be in, but left? Yeah, like Supernatural, Good Mythical Morning, or Warriors, but it wasn't out of "I don't like it anymore" or anything, I just drifted away. Anything the fans in your fandoms do that pisses you off? World of Warcraft if particular has one of the most toxic fucking fanbases. There are so many goddamn elitists and people who whine about "boohoo WoW is dying" and "omg this game has been trash since Wrath" and yada yada yada and it's annoying as hell. They always find some shit to complain about. Then Silent Hill... ugh. I think people just hop onto the "the series sux after 1-4" bandwagon to fit in with a certain crowd, but that's not the main thing that annoys me; rather, it's the fact the former main admin of the SH wiki made a fucking joke out of us there. He was clearly having personal issues and made a HUGE and utterly ridiculous deal of Silent Hill 4 having heavy symbolism to the main character being obsessed with the bullshit idea of him being circumcised, and it led to a maaaassive thread of us members trying to talk some damn sense into him as he abused his power. He was finally banned by the Wikia staff, but not in time for some gaming websites to publish "news" stories about it because it was just that ludicrous. Now, YEARS later, we still get trolls coming onto the site to try and revive the drama by inserting absolute rubbish into pages or making new ones. Nowadays I'm the main administrator there, and it's fucking embarrassing sometimes. I'm supposed to keep the wiki under control and respected, you know? Ugh, I'll stop. I could rant for a very long time about this. Do you prefer ruffly or regular potato chips? Ruffly. Do you write down your own recipes, or just commit them to memory? I don’t cook. What color do you want to dye your hair? My top three are pastel pink, lilac, and a light creamsicle orange. I REALLY want to dye it SOMETHING. :( How do you like your chicken? Of course breaded (like nuggets, tenders) is my favorite, but I also enjoy is broiled and seasoned well. There's other ways, but because I don't cook, I, uh... don't know how a lot are made lmao. Do you enjoy cheese fries? UUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHH YES. Do you eat refried beans? I absolutely hate beans, so no. What is a food you enjoy, but don’t have very often? A whole lot because a lot of it is from restaurants and we don't eat out all that much. As well, my diet is very narrow just because of how picky I am. Marilyn Monroe or Audrey Hepburn? Why? I mean, what are we comparing them for? I think Audrey is fucking gorgeous, though. Marilyn is also beautiful. Favorite fictional world? Uh, I dunno. Do you use lint rollers often? No. Do you carry pepper spray? No, but I want to. Has your power ever gone out for more than a day? I think so. Other than a dislike button, what’s something you wish Facebook had? Hm, I dunno. What time do your parents normally get home from work? Mom can't work right now, but I think Dad gets off around 5PM. Are you afraid to ask people out on dates? Yep. Do you think it’s better to look for love or let it find you? Both can work, but I definitely prefer to let it find me. I feel that *in general* that usually has better results. Have you ever found yourself worrying about commitment? No. I'm a very committed person romantically. Would you get involved with someone if they had a child already? No. Have you ever had a rash from poison ivy? I don't believe so, no. Do you have any chairs in your bedroom? No. Did you watch Elmo as a child? Some, yeah. Do you know anyone who doesn’t eat meat? I don't think so, off the top of my head. When you throw up, do you cry? No, but I'm a whiner and will also shake from fear because I have such a phobia of vomiting. Doing it totally turns me into a baby. Who was the last person to carry you? I couldn't tell you the last person to full-on carry me, but back when I tore a ligament in my foot, my mom kinda had me lifted when she would help me walk. Is it easy for you to accept loss? Absolutely not. I handle it very, very poorly. Have you done anything sneaky lately? No. Have you ever had a rolling back pack? Yes. Who knows you better than anyone else? My mom, probably. Would you ever want to go to Brazil? Sure, if the opportunity came up. Are there any medical conditions that run in your family? A lot, mostly heart problems. What band has the best guitar solos? Metallica imo. Who is the biggest jerk you've ever met? She was somehow my former best friend. Have you ever swerved off the road to avoid hitting an animal? I've never been in that situation, thankfully. What's a charity you would never donate to? I'm really not familiar enough with charities and their practices to know which ones are sketch or not. Have you ever grown your own herbs? No. Do you have any exes you'd consider dating again? Yes. What were some of your favorite classes you took in high school? Art and German. Mythology was fun, too. Do you know anyone with a profession in law? Yeah, I have a cousin that's a lawyer. Have you ever Googled yourself? Yeah, outta curiosity. What's the shortest amount of time you've had between relationships? Like, two days. Part of the reason I left Girt was because I liked Sara. As a child, what comfort foods did your parents make for you when you were sick with a cold or flu? Chicken noodle soup. What's a movie series where the sequel was better than the original? Ha, for some reason Inspector Gadget came to mind. I guess from mentioning my childhood. I was FUCKING OBSESSED with that movie as a kid. The first one's fine, but I love the second one. Does your car have heated seats? Mom's doesn't. What is the strangest pizza topping you've ever eaten? Nothing strange, really. Describe your hometown. What’s it like there? Small and dangerous. Lots of run-down areas. A gang nearly broke into our house once, if that helps you get the picture. What was the last video game you beat? I replayed Silent Hill 2 forever ago. What did you learn from your last failed relationship? It really just taught me that you need to take care of your own mental health before you can effectively handle another's properly and strike a healthy balance. What country does your favorite band hail from? Britain. What’s something on your to-do list that never actually gets done? Finish decorating my room. -_- Have you ever been really passionate about something but then lost interest? If so, what was it? Good Mythical Morning, I suppose. I used to be OB-SESSED. I still adore Rhett and Link as people, they are fucking wonderful human beings and excellent entertainers, I just drifted away from their content. I don't really know why. Do you sleep with the TV or the radio on? No. What’s the worst thing about being male/female (whichever you are)? Menstrual cycles, I'd say. It affects your mood so much, and as someone who's bipolar, it can be very confusing. I like to know why I'm feeling a certain way. What movie has the best special effects? /shrug How many work hours per week is too much for you? I wouldn't know, I've never really worked long enough to figure this out. Can you remember your first day of school? I think I have the faintest memory of it. I know I was very scared to leave my mom (I had absolutely awful separation anxiety from her) and I MIGHT have cried, but I don't really recall with certainty. Have you ever entered a modelling competition? Would you? No thanks. Did you keep any drawings/stories from when you were younger? Most, no, because the level of cringe is LITERALLY unbearable for me. Do you have a safe? Mom does somewhere. What’s the scariest thing to happen to you so far? The breakup. That night was just fucking terrifying. I was so certain my life was over, like the situation was so, so impossible in my head. What was your last dream about? (or your daydream if you don’t remember) My memory's faint, but I just remember I had a nightmare where a LOT of my bones were totally snapped in half. When was the last time you saw a relative? Excluding my immediate family, I last saw my now-departed grandmother and my uncle a while back at a hotel as they were passing through. Have you ever been in a TV audience? No. Are you in any way close to reaching a personal goal? Not really... Do you prefer crosswords or word searches? Word searches. Do you like making collages? Not really. Do you remember any inside jokes from childhood? No. What would you love to learn to do? Digital art, like drawing on a tablet. Do you prefer monkeys or lemurs? Lemurs. Do you watch movies based on the actors or the movie plot? The plot, 100%. Are you more shy in real life or on the internet? I am WAY more shy irl.

[margridarnauds]

9 for berenice and 16 for electra

9. what do they dream about ?

Berenice...wants a lot, at different points in her development. When she was younger, she had this very general idea of freedom that wasn't tethered to anything. She kind of would look at all the ships coming into Alexandria and want to be on one of them. She wanted to travel, she wanted to learn every single language in the world, wanted to be glamorous and elegant like Cleopatra had been (since she was very much growing up in the shadow of Cleopatra's time, even though most of her childhood was spent in the early days of the Roman occupation of Egypt). She wanted to study, she wanted to be allowed to read as much as she wanted to, but not in a class structure, she wanted to be able to be with her friends for the rest of her life, she wanted to be able to stay out late and explore the city, etc. She didn't dislike being a noblewoman, she actively took advantage of the privilege of being a noblewoman, but she wanted MORE, kind of wanting to have her cake and eat it, too.

As she got older and put into a marriage that she actively despised, she changed her priorities: She actually had a decent amount of freedom now, especially since her husband didn't care for her and needed her claims in order to keep control of the throne. He didn't care if she spent late nights drinking or if she used her own money to found a new library. But now she wanted power, she wanted to rule without her husband in the way, she wanted revenge on the ones who had done this to her, and...even though she didn't set out on falling in love, once she met Bran, she did want to create a world where they could be together, where she could have a child with him and the two of them could be accepted. (She would never ADMIT to wanting children because she firmly believes that, following the grand family history of betrayal, any child of hers would end up killing her for the throne.)

Then, when she was imprisoned, she went back to wanting freedom and revenge, even though her idea of "freedom" is much simpler than it was when she was a child. She doesn't care if she goes to every country in the world now, she just wants to be able to choose her own clothing and see the sunlight on her own terms. She hadn't been able to see her dearest friends for years, didn't really know if they're alive or dead, so she also wants to be reunited with them. When she sees her sort of adopted brother Marcus for the first time in years, it really sparks off this drive in her to protect him, no matter what the cost is, because it's like a part of her old self is called into action. It isn't that she would NEVER have made a dash to freedom before that, but it's that suddenly she has someone to pin that onto.

After she's freed? I feel like she has a lot of what she really wants, in an endgame scenario. She has power, she has Bran back, she has her friends, she has wealth and elegance, most of her major enemies are gone. I feel like her only concern is going to be keeping that together. (Especially since Bran and Marcus do NOT get along.) I feel like her broader endgame will really be that she wants to be known as a living goddess who kickstarted a golden age - As a Macedonian Egyptian woman who lives up to the ancient stereotype of Macedonians liking the bottle, she's very much perceived, by some of the Greeks at least, as a barbarian cosplaying as a Greek, and choosing Bran for a partner (I can't really see a scenario where she actually marries him, at least in a formal way) didn't help that image. So, she very much wants to say, "Hey Athens! Get fucked!"

16. what do they beat themselves up over ?

Electra...like a lot of young children who go through a trauma, believed that it was her fault that her father was killed and her mother attempted to commit a murder-suicide with her (she succeeded in one of those). She channelled her guilt into a burning hatred of Berenice, but it was very much there. Like, "Why wasn't I there? Why couldn't I have done anything? If I'd been a boy, my father would never have left my mother", etc.

When she learned exactly what her father was and that, essentially, she and Berenice both took place in an absolutely pointless feud over two thousand years that had a decently sized body count on both sides, she feels REALLY guilty over that, since she was the one who kickstarted it. She essentially turned herself into a monster, and she's very aware of that. (The thing with both Berenice and Electra is that they're both very aware of the fact that they've become monsters over the years - The primary difference is that Electra more or less believed that she was doing it for some higher cause while Berenice knew fully well she was doing it to save her own skin.) She essentially totally cuts herself off from society after the realization, more or less becoming a hermit. (Khensa is basically the only one she receives - Berenice might stop by once or twice, though it's always painfully awkward, Atria and her have too much between them to even try.) A part of me would like to think that she can eventually rejoin the world and live a happy, normal life, but I honestly feel like she's going to stay this way for the rest of her life, however long it ends up being.

I think that the thing she most regrets, though, are her actions against Eleanor, both in helping to get her imprisoned and in trying to hunt her down afterwards, because that one affected a wholly innocent party, simply because of her connection to Marcus. There's a lot that she regrets towards Berenice and her immediate friends that she regrets, but Eleanor marked a certain point of no return, and she knows it. She does regret her actions towards Atria as well, because, as time goes on, she realizes that Atria was in a much more vulnerable position and she really abused her power over her. (Essentially - Electra and Berenice, when they were VERY young children, were friends. But, when Berenice came back from Rome, she came back with two new adopted siblings: The twins, Atria and Marcus, who had been taken off the streets. Electra's pride was stung by being asked to play with two street children with no parents, she essentially said "It's me or them", and Berenice, being stubbornly loyal, chose them. It didn't begin the WORST of the feud, which kickstarted when they were teenagers, but it did end their friendship, and Electra never fully forgave Atria for "stealing" her friend. When she took Berenice's power, she'd often make Atria's life very difficult as a result of that, ignoring that Atria's entire life relied on maintaining royal approval.)