#i actually have a hana playlist that i had playing while thinking about how to answer this ask lmaooo

[ofmermaidstories]

[im very invested in your oc hana, idkk if any of this makes sense, feel free to ignore]

on my first read thru of your story, her betrayal was nowhere near as impactful to me as it is now. i was blinded by the grandeur of pro heroes being so powerful yet oh so human, and by a selfish, insecure, and very human artist. thus i glanced over one of the most realistic charcters. hana is the epitome of a slippery slope that is being human, so many of us claim to know that we will never tumble, that we will never become the monster, after all its always us versus them. the thing is, we could all be them. we're all capable of selling our identity to society and ignoring that, or worse, denying that notion just emphasizes our susceptibility to being the next victim. it took me a while to figure that out, but once i did i realized how much i could understand why hana went the way she did, and i just began to see how she couldve started to fall (how any of us couldve fallen). it all started with little hisae (what a steep cliff that is). but in hanas eyes, in her mind, its so much easier to blame the heroes, to blame society than to blame the unyielding circumstances that she (and everyone else in japan) found themselves in. just imagining the thought process hana must of gone thru is so devastating. going from regular thoughts of grief and self-blame to slowly becoming more desperate in your search for both answers and justice:

"how did no one see her?", "why did no one save her?", "what if i had stayed in the shelter?", "what if someone had noticed sooner?" and so on, and so forth until hana would finally come to the conclusion "whats the point of heroes?"

then fin, your morals and beliefs are forever changed. the juxtaposition bw hana and hisaes death vs scribbles and hanas death i feel like also highlights how we can all become a monster, we just have to decide not to. at the end of the day, its just like uncle hideyo said. our loved ones have the same duty to us as we do to them. hana had a decision to make - she had multiple decisions to make - and she made hers, so now we must make ours.

anywayss, i just wanted to appreciate your ocs, theyre some of the best ive had the pleasure to get to know, and hana, hideyo, miki, hitomu and yua will always have a special place in my heart (and hikoboshi [rip :(] plus tobi cant forget them) <3

ps if you have any notes/tidbits youve been wanting to share about your oc i would love to hear them

people are a lot more selfish than they tend to give themselves credit for! grief is just a surefire way to illuminate that. and for hana, like you so thoughtfully point out, it’s a slippery slope. 🥺 radicalisation is so easy when there’s pain involved and none of us are the same, none of us will deal with it the same way. and with the world that Horikoshi’s created in My Hero, the power imbalance is so like, obvious and literal lmao. Look at Shigaraki’s pain, and how that was used against him. Spinner’s. Dabi’s and Toga’s! Twice!! it’s not a stretch to imagine ordinary civilians with like, nominal quirks or whatever, seeing that struggle between the villains and the pros and then similarly being affected by it—wanting to fight against that. and then that fight being perverted by assholes with crueller agendas. :/

and like, even then, though? you’re right. hana had choices to make, and she made the wrong ones. she knew what she was doing was wrong. the same woman that was smuggling in nail polish for a captive kid was helping another mail like, photocards. of course she knew; you see the drop even when you’re sliding down that cliff-face, i guess. and we never get this in the fic because the point-of-view never allows it, but i do think hana’s internal justification for staying with the group, for being apart of imprisoning those kids was that it was going to happen with or without her, that by being apart of it she could mitigate the horror somehow. of course, the tragedy is that she still perpetuates it by being there—because she’s selfish. selfish and scared (she knows she’s not walking away from it) but still selfish (at the heart of it she’s still that grieving, angry teenager. she still wants revenge against the pro heroes who weren’t there. and being apart of the gala attack gives her that, and she has to ignore the bruises on Yua’s arms or the resentment of some streetkid? Then whatever. Hisae’s body was unrecongisable, afterwards).

maybe more support as a teenager, afterwards, would have given an hana the ability to transmute her anger. maybe uncle could have done something more in regards to like, trying to press charges or otherwise seeking justice. maybe scribbles could have noticed, should have noticed, the cracks. but none of that happened. you can’t play could’ve, should’ve, would’ve when it comes to other people’s choices, because they still choose. scribbles—and uncle, even—are fundamentally different people to hana. they choose differently! we chose differently, in the end.

for hana and for scribbles both, their grief is about survival (all grief is, which is why all grief is selfish). scribbles—us, we—needs other people. so much of something is people like, reaching out to scribbles (to us). so when it all hits the fan that’s what our little self-insert needs more of: other people who choose to stay. and that in turn gets scribbles to a place where like, they can help other people in turn (uncle, hitomu, miki, tobi). hana by contrast rejects everyone, because she felt abandoned. you can’t change things now; you can only do better for the people in your life going forward. so much of healing is learning that.

thank-you for reading, anon. 🥺 i’m so grateful you liked the gang. 😭 being human—and being loved, even by a perfect superhero—means knowing and being surrounded by others who have their own lives, beyond your story. something needed it’s little cast. 🥹 deku and scribbles are empty puppets without the people they love (or are hurt by) beyond each other. and the fun of doing a series is that they’re not limited to their own stories. hitomu pops up, in shouto’s fic! and hana’s presense drifts in and out—rippling out with those choices she made. a ghost along the riverbank, following the current of a story she’s no longer apart of, i guess. 🥹

[i-literally-cant-with-this]

A/N ♕ This is gaudy as shit and I don't care. Idk. There may be inconsistencies with the story, so, sorry. I've been working on this all day. 8 pages on Google Docs so you're in for a read. Good stuff starts at page 3 (mind you, this is from Google Docs perspective.) I read, reread, rereread, rerereread, rererereread .... until I couldn't. This is a little headcanon-y and a little fic-y. It's just what I was feeling. I know you know what to do if there's anything horribly wrong. For real, though. This is so fucking long I never want to see my laptop again.

C/W ♕ Unprotected P->V, F->M & M->F Oral, M->eating his cum (sorta) from F, kinda rough sex but they like it. I'm so brain dead right now that I can't remember everything. Soft broken Hanma eventually. I like you, no shit? I like you too. Kiss kiss. Snooze snooze. Happy happy.

Funsies ♕ A link of the playlist I made while I was writing this in case anyone wants to check it out. I don't think the read will exhaust the playlist so pick any song you want and it should, theoretically work at any point?

WC ♕ 3,915 (ISH - I change things once I get it here on Tumblr, but it's around that.

♕ You'll never forget the first time you rode on the back of Hanma's bike with him.

♕ He wasn't really keen on the idea of taking you home. You weren't even his responsibility.

♕ But it was a favor for one of his captains.

♕ Hanma put his helmet on you, tightening the strap under your chin carefully so he wouldn't pinch your delicate skin.

♕ He was so pissed when he noticed how pretty your eyes were, staring so intently back into his. He had to shake himself out of the distraction.

♕ "You're not wearing a helmet, Shuji?" You asked.

♕ "This's the only one I have, obviously. And you're going to wear it, got it?" He was so adamant about that.

♕ He got you settled in the helmet and threw his leg over his bike. Looking at you impatiently, waiting for you to get on, he put his hand out and you took it.

♕ You hopped on behind him and wrapped your arms around his straight waistline. And you're not sure if your heart skipped a beat because you were so nervous about being on the back of a motorcycle with him for the first time or if it was how you felt with your cheek pressed to his back

♕ He also noticed how nice your arms felt wrapped around him. He turned his head before he took off and told you you'd better hold on tighter, he doesn't drive like a 30 year old.

♕ Hanma thought he turned his head enough from your line of vision before he smiled. But you saw it.

♕ So you did what he asked and squeezed him tighter, pressing your chest harder against his back.

♕ He started the engine and the vibrations sent shockwaves throughout your cunt body like you've never experienced.

♕ Both you and Hanma thought it wasn't possible for you to get any closer to him, but you both somehow managed to impress the other.

♕ He was at a stoplight about 3 blocks from your house and he reached back to give your thigh a little pat.

♕ "Hold on to me, hana. I'm gonna go like hell when I see that light turn green."

♕ His hand stayed on your thigh even after he took off. Stayed there for so long, actually, that you were getting concerned about the upcoming turn in the road. But he pulled his hand forward just in time to take it with ease.

♕ The wind against your face that carried his scent - which you could NOT place, (Sandlewood? Cedar? It was DELICIOUS to say the least) was starting to make you feel drunk.

♕ You could just barely hear the music playing through the small (but strangely loud) speakers --- Be Quiet and Drive (Far Away), Deftones. You had heard the song before and liked it but now it held a certain heaviness over you. Everything about this moment felt right. The night was warm. The stars were out.

♕ How the fuck had you not realized this before?

♕ Hanma is ... he's fucking sexy.

♕ He pulled up to your place and he stopped the bike, letting it idle while sitting in your driveway.

♕ "Ok, you have arrived at your destination. You're welcome, for the ride of your life." He seemed a little more lighthearted now than when he first was roped into taking you home.

♕ "Yeah. Yeah, thanks. Um, thanks. Do you - maybe ... want some ..." you just couldn't fucking talk. He looked so handsome in the soft yellow lights that lined the street.

♕ "You got some food? I could eat, yeah." He kicked the bike stand out and turned it off and reached up to remove his helmet from your head.

♕ If he missed the blush that washed over your face he'd have to be a blind man. But you noticed a faint smile on him, too. So you think he caught it.

♕ "What do you feel like? I just went shopping and I'm fully stocked." You stood with your back to him, he was in the living room looking around at the shit you had all over your walls. Weird art that made him feel things. Stuff he's never thought himself capable of feeling - not bad things, either. But new things.

♕ And you felt comfortable with all of this. Knowing he was in another room than you. Except, he wasn't in the living room anymore. He was right fucking behind you. You stopped to look up into the cupboard you stood in front of to see what was there, if it was easy and quick to fix up.

♕ He reached out and traced the curve of your waist and leaned in, putting his face to the back of your head. "You going to feed me, y/n?"

♕ Your first thought was who's going to perform CPR on your right now because you're about to die. His breath was so hot on the back of your neck you were able to document the time that your heart actually stopped beating for a second.

♕ Hanma put his hands on your shoulders and ran them down your arms. When he got to your wrists, he pulled them behind your back more roughly than you've ever been touched by any man before.

♕ And he's so much taller than you, so he has to bend over so he can talk right into your ear.

♕ "I'm sure it's ready for me to eat right now. Not much prep is going to be required. I guess, in a way, you could almost call it fast food?" He yanked you so you were standing up straight and your back was flush with his front.

♕ You didn't know what to do with your hands so you just left them where he placed them. He had his free hand back on your waist, squeezing and exploring.

♕ "I don't think I've ever wanted something so bad as I do right now, hana." He said, letting his fingers dip lower and lower. You threw your head back and it fit into the dip between his neck and shoulder.

♕ You couldn't help but think he was such a fucking gentleman, waiting for your permission before he took anything. You leaned back against his chest and turned your head to kiss him. "Then take ... take it. Take what you want, Shuji. Take it all."

♕ Hanma's hand went back up to your throat and squeezed just enough to make you gasp.

♕ He leaned around and pressed his mouth to the corners of your lips, teasing you into giving yourself fully over to the kiss and sliding his tongue down your jawline to your neck. Ending up at your ear once more.

♕ "Good girl, hana. You're so wet for me right now, I can fucking smell it. Tell me what you want me to take. Hm? You want me to take you? You're going to be so good for me. Or maybe not? Maybe you're just going to be a nasty ... little ... bitch. I think I'd like to see that. This sweet girl act you put on. I've seen you walking around like you're just the best thing around here. Well? You going to prove that to me, hana? Huh?" He said, his voice dropping an octave as he ran his hand down your stomach and dipped his fingers into your panties.

♕ He moaned into your ear, "Oh fuck, hana. You're dripping for me. I'm going to fucking ruin you."

♕ He turned you around more roughly than he had to and hoisted you onto the counter, yanking your pants down and kneeling down before you, inhaling your scent. Deeply.

♕ Hanma looked up at you with such fire in his eyes, you couldn't help but feel a little intimidated. He traced his finger over your pussy, feeling your wetness before leaning forward and dragging his tongue over the same invisible line his finger forged on your trembling skin.

♕ You arched your back and gasped as he brushed his lips against your thighs. You could feel how heavy his breathing had gotten. He pushed one finger passed your folds, then two, and you could feel yourself tightening around him.

♕ "Shu, f-fuck. Please, I need ... I need ..."

♕ He looked up at you with his eyebrows raised. "What do you need, hana. Use your words."

♕ You reached down and grabbed him by the ears, pulling him up to your face. "I ... fuck me, Shuji." You kissed him, tasting yourself on him.

♕ Hanma didn't waste a second. He pulled you off the counter and dragged you into your bedroom. You turned around and yanked at his belt buckle, pulling it from the loops all at once and threw it across the room, unzipping his pants and pulling them down.

♕ He leaned you over the bed, spreading your legs and reaching up to squeeze your ass. You looked back at him, wanting him to fill you up.

♕ Hanma rubbed his tip up and down your slit, teasing you. "Shuji just ... just fuck me."

♕ You were so whiny and needy. It was making him so hard. He wanted to fuck you right then and there. To give you what you were so desperately and metaphorically, on your knees for.

♕ But the sadist in him, found it hard to acknowledge your pleas so soon. He didn't want you to work for this, per se. But he wanted to make good and damn sure you wanted him as much as he wanted you. So what if he had to deny himself instant gratification. The look on your sweet, flushed face was already worth having to drag this out.

♕ "You've been so good for me, hana. I'm going to give you exactly what you need. But I don't want you to come too soon." He said, smirking as he pulled you back to your feet and turned you around, pressing his hands into your shoulders until you were on your knees.

♕ Hanma reached down and pulled his cock out of his boxers and he patted your chin a few times. Urging your mouth to open so he could slap it on your tongue before pushing his tip into your mouth. You let him guide you as you took him down your throat. He kept his eyes on you, watching as you struggled to take him all the way in.

♕ "Fuck, y/n. Look at you. Taking me like a good little slut. I knew you were going to act like a little bitch in heat. Choking down my cock like that." He praised you through gritted teeth. Despite sounding so volatile, it made you feel so good to be used by him this way.

♕ He pulled out of your mouth and pushed you back onto the bed, flipping you over onto your stomach. He pulled your hips up and guided his tip into you, slowly pushing himself in until he was all the way inside you.

♕ Hanma held himself there for a minute, feeling you tighten around him. He started moving again, in and out of you.

♕ You felt like you were on the edge of an orgasm with every thrust. The disgusting way he used you for his own pleasure and the way he spoke to you was driving you mad.

♕ "Shuji, fuck ... I'm gonna cum."

♕ He pulled out and turned you onto your back. He spread your legs apart and leaned over you, pushing himself back inside you and pressing his lips to yours.

♕ "Yeah? How close? How close are you?" He dragged his teeth over your ear and on down to your visibly beating pulse point and left a purple mark in his wake. You clenched up around his cock so hard when he did this that he had to stop moving and pull himself together. "Fuck! Hana! Keep that shit up and this is over. I'm fucking finished."

♕ He thrust into you harder, his balls slapping against your ass wasn't helping you hold off cumming all over him. You felt your orgasm building up inside you. You reached down to rub your clit, but he saw where your fingers were aiming and he brushed your hand aside and started rubbing soft circles on it for you. It made you moan - the most whorish, slutty sound you have ever let out.

♕ It was out of your control at this point. His dick pounding inside of you, hitting all the right spots at all the right times was making you more cock-drunk than you have ever felt. If you could even consider yourself aware of anything other than his golden eyes burning holes into yours and the rise and fall of his hips against your spread legs.

♕ Your cunt swallowed his cock so perfectly. The thought crossed your mind that you were made for each other. But that's ridiculous. Hanma hates you. Right? He didn't even want to take you home. So why, then, is he balls deep inside of you right now. Don't fucking ask, you thought to yourself. Doing any and every little thing you could to stave off your imminent crash.

♕ He could see your eyes start to roll back and he knew what was happening. He pressed his thumb harder against your clit and started circling it faster.

♕ "Cum for me, hana. Show me how much you wanted this, how much you wanted my cock inside of you." He sucked on your nipple as he fucked you. Balancing over you on his left hand, his right hand still trifling with your pulsing clit. You tried to buck up against him for any extra stimulation but he only pulled back. "Aht! I make you cum. You ... you let me. Understand, hana? I ... make ... you ... cum." He growled through his clenched jaw directly into your ear. Punctuating each word with driving his hips harder and harder against you.

♕ You couldn't hold it in anymore. You came so hard and you didn't even care that he was watching you so closely. You let your body relax and gave in to the moment. You'd pretty much checked out mentally, but whatever connection remained between your brain and your body was otherworldly. You felt his cock sliding in and out of your soaked cunt. It was so thick and long. Nothing like you imagined it would be by just looking at his tall, thin frame. (But aren't those guys always the wildcard?) It was all you could focus on.

♕ Hanma was ready to cum, too. He pulled out of you and turned you over onto your stomach again. He slapped his wet cock against your ass before pushing back into your pussy, making you moan into the sheets.

♕ You were still twitching against him. As close as he was to blowing his sticky load of cum inside of you, as hard as his cock was twitching, he was so transfixed by how you felt around him. So fucking hot. So fucking soft. So fucking beautiful. Like a goddamn flower. Your pussy made him think of the most beautiful flower and nothing would ever change his mind about that. (And he would never figure out why - but he wondered if it had to do with the weird art in your living room).

♕ "Fuck, hana. Fuck!Fuck!Fuck! You want me to cum inside this pussy? Want me to cum in my pussy, huh? Yeah? Fuck, cumming so fuck- hard, holy shit. Fuck!" Hanma came with such force, you could feel his cum pouring into you. And soon after, seeping out of you from around his cock still inside of your stretched hole. He collapsed on top of you, both of you breathing heavily. He didn't want to move, not yet.

♕ And he felt like it should bother him that he was still here with you. Still, physically, a part of you, as much as you were a part of him. But he couldn't think of a single reason why he should leave. Let alone why he'd want to leave.

♕ "Shu, you ... I ... well," you tried to speak but couldn't form a coherent thought just yet. "Um," it was useless. You couldn't think. So you just laid there underneath him. Feeling more and more empty with each passing second as the sadness of this being over filled you instead feeling full from Hanma. It was not a good placeholder for him. It was not feeling nearly as good as he did. And you felt like crying.

♕ Whether because it was just too much for you or it was just nothing to him. What if it were both? Shit. You're starting to cry.

♕ He felt you tremble underneath him and he rolled off of you, turning you over to face him.

♕ "Hey, what's wrong? Hana? Look at me, now. Did I hurt you? Did I do something?" He looked more concerned that irritated. And that's probably what surprised you the most. You tried to hide your face, but he grabbed your chin and pulled you back.

♕ "No, it's ... it's nothing. I just ... it was too much. You were too good." You said, laughing hard through the tears, wholly embarrassed by your generous assessment.

♕ "Oh, what now?" Hanma smiled and kissed you on the forehead. He reached down and grabbed your hand, bringing it to his mouth and kissing it. "You say I was too good? Were you even here? I mean ... I guess it's impossible for you to feel yourself. But, I guess ... I guess I'm only as good as who I'm with? And, hana," he cupped your face in his rough, slightly grease stained and scarred hand, "you were good, too."

♕ You laughed again, shaking your head. "Don't ... don't be nice to me. I can't handle it. And that's not even ... you don't have to say that to me. I know you don't like me. You can't fucking stand me. I knew all of this when I asked your captain to make you give me a ride. How embarrassing is that. I fucking am so pathetic sometimes." You rubbed your eyes with the heel of your palm. "God. You can go. You don't have to stay. It's alright. I'm ... I'll be ... fine. I always am."

♕ Hanma sat up on his elbow, looking down at you with his brow furrowed. "Hana. I can't believe you're this stupid." He rubbed the back of his neck and looked out into the hallway.

♕ "Shuji! Who the fuck is Hana? And why do you keep calling me that? My name is-" great, now you look sad and insane.

♕ "Chill, crazy. Hana means blossom. And I think, ffffuck. Ithinkyou'reprettylikeaflowerplusyourpussyispretty." His words ran together but you heard every single separate syllable. You're pretty sure you fell in love with him a little bit, too. The fucker.

♕ He leaned over you again, pressing his lips to yours. You moaned against his mouth and reached to grab his cock, but he stopped you. "No. I wanna make you feel good. It's your turn." He kissed your neck and made his way down to your pussy, licking up his own cum that had dripped out of you. You bucked your hips up into his face, reaching down to grab a fistful of his hair.

♕ He looked up at you with wide eyes, smirking. "Hold on, hana. I got you." He sucked your clit between his lips, pressing his tongue against it and making you cry out in pleasure. He pushed two fingers into your pussy and started pumping them in and out of you, hitting your g-spot while he circled your clit with the tip of his tongue.

♕ "Fuck, Shu! Fuck me!" You screamed.

♕ He looked up at you with his eyelids still heavy. "That's what I'm trying to do, baby." He said, chuckling. "Just this time, it's with my mouth. Ok? So sit back and enjoy the ride." He leaned back down and continued sucking and licking and pumping you until you couldn't hold on anymore. You came for him, all over his face. And he didn't seem to mind one bit.

♕ He crawled up to you and laid beside you again. You looked over at him and smiled. "You're such an asshole. But I kind of like you."

♕ He leaned over and kissed you, letting you taste yourself on him. Again. "No shit? I've liked you for a while. But I ... hell, I don't know. I guess I thought you were too good for me or something." He put his head against your chest, subconsciously counting the heartbeats coming from your body. "That's usually what people tell me. The guys and stuff. They always give me shit about anyone I like. Except ... except for you. They respect you."

♕ You nodded slowly, spacing out on the chunk of blond hair above his forehead. "Yeah, it helps having a cousin who's a captain. But Shuji, I do. I really do like you. I just wanted you to know that."

♕ Hanma looked up at you with a softness in his eyes you had never seen before. "I know, hana. I know." He kissed you again, pulling the sheet over both of you. He didn't want you to see him get worked up. Not over you. Not emotionally. Not just yet. But he was pretty sure he was starting to fall in love with you. And that was just something he wasn't prepared for. Though he'd have to face up to it. Sooner, rather than later, he thought.

♕ He turned over onto his back and let you snuggle up next to him, throwing your arm over his chest. He closed his eyes, thinking about how much he'd like to do this again. Just like this. Just you.

♕ You reached over and turned off the lamp, laying your head against his chest and simply being in the darkened room with him. It was so easy, you thought. And you hoped it would always be that way, though you knew better than to believe that. Because Hanma was a very complicated man on the outside and inside. And you wanted to be the one who could be there to understand him. The one who could get to know him. The one who could make him laugh and cry and feel any and everything he ever wanted to feel. You wanted to be the one who'd be there to listen to anything he had to say. Softly spoken or screamed out.

♕ And that's all you wanted. To be there for him. And with him. And with him.

♕ "Good night, little hana." He said, pulling you tighter against him.

♕ "Good night, beautiful Shuji." You smiled in the darkness and drifted off to sleep.

♕ And you didn't care how much you'd regret saying it or how much you'd try to deny it. It was true. You were in love with him. And you knew it would be some time before he could admit he felt the same way. But you would give him whatever amount of time he needed.

♕ He hoped he would be worth it. Hanma wasn't necessarily a good man. He has never been called a good man. Never has he ever really felt like one.

♕ But he heard you talking to him in the morning before you got out of bed to fix the coffee. Telling him how you'd be there for him as best you could. No matter what.

♕ He thought to himself that he hoped he'd never disappoint you. No matter what.

Taglist ::: @katkitkats @darkstarlight82 @arlerts-angel @viburnt @kazutora-kurokawa

[hyunjinspark]

ahh i havent sent anything in a while but i just wanted to let you know that im very much present on your blog and reading every single ask you answer !! i also read the last star lost update and in all honesty among all the aus and books ive read in my life (and ive read a lot) this is my absolute favourite!!

i’ll try to comment on the chapter a bit more detailed once my semester is over and im on a break but !! as always the way you write hyunjin and yn is amazing 🥺 actually while im at it lemme comment on the chapter as a whole lmao

despite the whole situation and general (hyunjin and hana, hyunjin and yn, felix and yn etc etc) i just wanted to say that the whole friendship dynamic is really cute and fun to read 🥺 i love it a lot (despite the whole hana situation) also hyunjin and yn are just sooo cute together and i love their convos a lot but i feel so bad for felix 😭 (also him interrupting every time theres a ‘moment’ 👀 pretty sure hes doing that for his own sake hehe) guess we’ll have to see how that plays out… but also excited for more yn and felix interaction especially on his bday party but also the whole chocolate making thing…

also yeonjun 😳 you mentioned he’d appear in the au but i didnt expect it so soon (and the convo him hyune and yn had was very insightful to say the least; poor yeonjun, hes such a nice guy 🥺) omg im really excited for when yn and hana actually get to have a real talk about the whole situation especially after her and hyunjin called things off for now (which im not too excited about even though i wanted it to happen, but i cant help but feel like this is just the calm before the storm (and its not like hyune and yn will just suddenly be able to date each other 😭))

hmm what else… if i could i would comment on every single dialogue but i have to get back to studying 😭 but also yn sleeping on hyune in the train reminded me of only fools 😭 and all the tiny things like the streusel bread shjdjdjd youre such a great writer 🥺 and just the whole scene at the end was just adorable i love star lost so much 🥺 but as previously mentioned, i cant help but think of this as the calm before the storm but that depends on your plans for the future chapters 😵‍💫

on another note! im so excited for the book you have coming out soon because you’re genuinely my favourite writer ever 😭 ive never felt so enthralled by anyones writing like this before so im looking forward to it a lot 🥺 please take care of yourself (i remember seeing you say that you were sick a few days ago) and don’t remember to take breaks eat well and stay hydrated!! hope you have a great weekend and following week as well 🫶

ah also! im curious about you as a person as well so i wanted to know if you have any hobbies? i think your work has something to do with digital arts (sorry if i got that wrong) but hows that like? (if its not too personal) and are there any tv shows movies youve watched recently? (sorry i have this habit of wanting to know a lot about people haha..you can just ignore questions if they make you uncomfy) also last but not least, i love the star lost playlist you made 🥺 i always listen to it while reading the chapters 🫶

-🦥

hi cutie ! im sorry for the delay in getting around to this ask about part 7. first of all, whaaat ?? of all the books youve read ? you will make me cry 😭 i hope your semester is going well <33

im glad you love their friendship dynamic, i love writing all the little relationships and connections to each other. it was my favorite thing to do in only fools. hyunjin and yns convos are so so so cute indeed 😭 they make me smile crazily.

you’re absolutely right about it being the calm before the storm haha ! things will not be that easy for hyun and yn even after they ended with hana. i guess you would have seen that in part 8 itself.

this whole message is so sweet and so full of love. thank you so much, don’t worry im not sick anymore and im taking care of myself, you’re so kind.

the fact that you’re curious about me makes me giggle haha😭 i am really really into pop culture, half of my personality is that haha. i do work with digital arts and designing packaging and brands 🫶🏻 it’s not too personal, don’t worry ! it’s really good actually, i love the arts and anything to do with the creative process so ive pretty much always wanted to do this! and for recent movies and shows, umm i have to think about that cause i watch a lot of random stuff when i get the time haha. but i can tell you my favorite movies ! it would probably be: arrival, interstellar, scott pilgrim vs the world, black swan…warm bodies, everyday, the day after tomorrow, and i can’t think of more but there are tons lmao 🎬 im so glad you like my playlist, im surprised people heard it 😭😭🥺🥺

[taehyungs-perm]

strawberry girl pt 2

taehyung x reader; college au; childhood best friends to lovers au; jock!fratboy taehyung

genre: fluff; major angst lol

word count: 11k

summary: i can pretend i don’t miss you. i can pretend i dont care. all i want to do is kiss you. what a shame you’re not here

part 1 here  part 3 here; part 4 here; part 5

playlist vibes 

electric | alina baraz ft khalid

goodnight n go | ariana grande

here | alessia cara

teenage dream | katy perry 

floating | alina baraz ft khalid

singularity | bts

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------You woke up in a panic to the shrill sound of your phone alarm. You turned over to your side to shut off the alarm, briefly glancing at your roommate’s empty bed. 10:34. You rubbed your eyes while yawning, you had a restless night of sleep. You couldn’t stop thinking about Taehyung. You felt butterflies in your heart when you thought back to last night: the way he called you cute, the way he hugged you, the way he nuzzled the crook of your neck. But those warm feelings were immediately squashed when your phone buzzed. 

Tae: hey so i got a bit held up but i just need to shower and ill be at lilys! I’m sorry!! 🥺

Then, you remembered what actually went down last night. Jennie telling you Taehyung would never even look at someone like you, some girl grinding on Taehyung, and, oh yea, the fact that he fucked some girl last night and that’s definitely the reason why he’s late this morning. Your mind was swimming with thoughts. You exhaled deeply and sat up in your bed, staring at your wall covered in polaroids. Taehyung doesn't like me. Why would he like me? You’ve seen the girls he’s been with. They are so beautiful. How could someone like you even compare? 

You fell back into your pillows and wrapped your arms around your fluffy white pillow, hugging it. And you don’t like him either. You can’t. Because you can’t handle all the pain that comes with it. Your phone buzzed again.

Tae: should be there in 10

You: same

It was definitely a lie but you doubted Taehyung would be on time.

Tae: ur lying. Ur def just lying in ur bed. Bet ur still in pajamas 

How the fuck did he know you so well. 

You: 🖕🏽 

Tae: 🥰

God, he is such a headass you thought, shaking your head. You managed to pull yourself out of bed but all the while you got ready, you kept thinking about him. You wondered if he thought about you as much as you thought about him. Probably not. 

You were definitely 20 minutes late but you really didn’t care since it was just Taehyung. You pulled open the door of the diner and inhaled the scent of freshly cooked waffles and fried eggs. You scanned the restaurant and saw Taehyung sitting in a corner booth. He was wearing a light grey sweatshirt. You loved that sweatshirt. You thought he always looked adorable wearing it. You walked over and sat across from him. He was so absorbed in his texts that he didn’t notice you sit down. 

You stared at him and he still didn’t look up. Annoyed, you huffed loudly but he still was preoccupied in his phone. 

Fine. He’s being a little bitch then. You leaned over and flicked his forehead and he yelped loudly. 

“Ow! What the fuck was that for?” He said whining.

You huffed, “Oh shut up. I’ve been sitting here for like ever and you've been just staring at your phone.” 

He was rubbing his forehead, “Sorry I didn’t mean to ignore you. It’s just like there’s a lot happening at once.” 

You were about to ask him what was going on but then the waitress came by to take your orders.

You ordered chocolate chip waffles and Taehyung ordered 4 different dishes. You glared at him as the waitress took your menus away. 

“What? I’m hungry.” he said innocently.

“Whatever. You're paying. Anyways, what’s going on?” 

“Oh yea, so like we just have this huge game coming up next week. It’s against our rival school and it’s the championship game.”

You interrupted “It’s the championship game already?”

He gruffed, “You would know if you came to any of my games.” 

Oh shit. Taehyung had been asking you to come to at least one of his games, but you had been brushing it off. You had been giving him the excuse of having too much school work. The truth was you didn’t really want to go to his games and see his personal cheerleading squad on their knees for him. Hana went to a few games to see Jungkook play and she told you about them. Jennie was the leader of the group of the three girls and they were at every game, wearing their cheerleading uniforms, screaming Taehyung's name. The very notion of it made you feel nauseous so you just avoided going to any of his games just so you didn’t have to witness it. It’s not that you had a direct issue with the girls themselves but they were just a reminder that Taehyung would never look at you the same way he looked at them. 

“Oh sorry. I told you it w-“

He interjected, “Yea, I know you said you needed to study.” He looked upset. Fuck. The words came out of your mouth before you realized, “I promise I’ll be there for the game next Saturday.” 

His eyes lit up, “Really?”

You nodded, “Okay so continue.”

“Yea, so we are all really stressed about the game and like Hobi hyung wants us to practice everyday for like 3 to 4 hours until the big game. But like I’m trying to take school more seriously now, and I don’t know how I can manage that much soccer on top of school. Namjoon hyung is on my side but like there’s just this huge argument in our group chat right now.” Taehyung was rubbing circles on the temples of his head. 

His phone started buzzing, like he received a chain of texts. Then he growled. You were in shock. You had never seen Taehyung this pissed off before. 

“Then this fucking girl won’t leave me alone.”

You were kind of scared but you asked in a calm voice, “What girl?”

“The girl from last night. She keeps fucking texting me. She won’t stop.” 

“What’s she saying?”

“She keeps asking to hang out. And I don’t want to. I told her last night before anything happened that this was just a hookup. Just sex. And if she wanted something more or if she wasn’t okay with that, then I would stop. But she said she was fine with it. Then it took me forever for her to get out of my room this morning.”

“Taehyung!”

“What? “

“You kicked her out? That’s so mean!”

“I didn’t kick her out. I just said I had shit to do so I needed to get ready. But she wanted to stay and I thought she wanted to fuck again and like we did which is why I was late. But she’s still texting me. And I told her nicely that I just wanted to stay friends, but she’s relentless!”

“If she’s bothering you that much, just block her number.” 

“Can I? Would that be mean?”

“Well...kinda but like if she’s causing you stress then it’s fair.”

“Okay bet.”

He instantly looked relieved. He was about to say something but then the waitress arrived with your food.

After hearing about Taehyungs fuckboi antics from last night and apparently this morning, you suddenly lost your appetite. You started slowly cutting small pieces of your waffle. 

Taehyung asked in a concerned voice “Hey. Why aren’t you eating?”

“Oh. I’m just stressed. About school.”

Taehyung pointed his fork at you with his mouth full of waffles, “You need to find a stress outlet.”

You rolled your eyes, “I do have a stress outlet. I bake.”

He covered his mouth with his hand, laughing, “Clearly that’s doing jack shit. You need something better.”

You threw your hands up, exasperated, “What then? What do you suggest for a stress reliever?” Even though the cause of your lack of appetite wasn’t stress, you did feel like picking up new habits could help with your overall anxieties. 

Taehyung looked you straight in the eyes and said confidently, “Dick.”

You choked at his bluntness, “Excuse me?”

He shrugged and continued to shovel waffles in his mouth, “You need dick. You’re so tightly wound up. You just need some dick to relax”

You scoffed at his words, “Taehyung, unlike you my life doesn’t revolve around sex okay? I’m honestly doing perfectly fine on my own.”

He looked at you with serious concern, “Okay, tell me this when’s the last time you got laid.”

Oh god, you were not going to tell Taehyung about your completely nonexistent sex and romantic life. 

You forced your eyes to the table, looking at the marble pattern, “Uh it’s been awhile.”

He asked curiously, “How long like 2 weeks? Or..”

You moved your eyes to your plate and said quietly, “I don’t know.”

You were staring at the syrup patterns in your waffle and Taehyung seemed to be getting fed up, “Cmon _____ I tell you about my life, just tell me.”

You snapped, angrily glaring at him, “Taehyung it’s really fucking hard to get laid when you haven’t even kissed a guy yet.” 

You saw his eyes widen in shock. 

This is so fucking embarrassing. You covered your face with your hands, mortified.

Great now he thinks I’m a prude or a weirdo. With your million thoughts running through your mind, you realized that Taehyung was silent this whole time.

You couldn’t take the awkward silence anymore, “Okay, I’m going to leave since like it’s really fucking awkward now.” You began to slide out of the booth, but then Taehyung grabbed your hand, “No! Sorry I didn’t mean to make it weird. I’m just shocked I guess.”

You sunk back down into the booth seat and snatched your hand away from him. 

“I don’t really think it’s a big deal that you haven’t done anything but like is there a reason why?”

“I dunno. School is just like all I focus on so it’s kept me busy.” 

“That’s such bullshit. School doesn’t occupy every waking moment of your life so there’s obviously more to it.”

You racked your brain. There were many reasons why. One of them sitting across the table in front of you. You could give him a partial truth. You sighed and fiddled with your fingers, “Because I want my firsts to be with someone I love. I’m so scared of regretting it if I just gave away those special moments to someone who didn’t actually care about me.” You paused then continued, “It’s dumb I know.”

Taehyung smiled, “That’s not dumb at all. I had no idea you were a romantic.”

You squinted at him, “Yea well if you tell anyone I will personally see to it that Hoseok makes you run laps until you puke.”

Taehyung rubbed his forehead with his hand, “You give a fucking headache you know that right? There’s this one side of you that’s like an innocent naive romantic and there’s the other side of you that will start a fight with anyone who underestimates you.”

You took your straw wrapper, crumbled it, and flicked it at Taehyung, “Fuck off. I’m not that complicated.”

He, of course, dodged it, “It’s okay cause I’m the only who knows both sides of you” he said with a wink. 

You internally winced because he had no idea how right he was.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You left the diner about 20 minutes later as Taehyung said he had soccer practice soon and you needed to get some work done. You were going through your mental checklist of things that needed to be done: I need to go to the grocery store and pick up some actual food I need to revise for chemistry because there’s an exam coming up. You were so invested in your thoughts that as you unlocked your room door you didn’t hear the distinct voices coming from inside. 

Your thoughts of your checklist were interrupted as you saw Hana and Jungkook laying in her bed (fully clothed thank god).

Your eyes widened and your jaw dropped at the sight. At the beginning of their friends with benefits relationship, Hana made it very clear to Jungkook, they would never hook up in her room. As a result, Jungkook had never been over. You knew Jungkook from your writing course. You and him worked together sometimes, but you two weren’t close friends. 

“Hey _____,” Jungkook said from the bed, in a casual voice.

“Um hey Jungkook,” you tried to say as calmly as possible because, internally, you were freaking out. If he was here, it meant something had definitely changed with Hana and Jungkook’s relationship at the frat party last night. You made eye contact with Hana and her face was completely red.

“So where were you this morning ________?” Hana said, trying to maintain a calm demeanor.

You set your purse on the swivel chair next to your desk and held up your bag of uneaten waffles, “I was at breakfast with Tae.”

“Oh nice. Are those.... leftovers?” Jungkook said in an innocent voice.

You threw the bag at him and he caught it, “Go for it. I didn’t really have much of an appetite.”

“Bet thanks,” he said, opening the paper bag and pulling out the cardboard box containing your chocolate chip waffles.

Hana looked disgusted and exclaimed, “You are not eating on my bed and getting crumbs everywhere!” Before Jungkook could retort, Hana pushed him to the ground.

“Ouch!” He said rubbing his leg that he bumped against the side of the bed. 

The room was awkwardly silent because you and Hana were both staring at each other, trying your best not to laugh at the situation. 

Jungkook broke the silence in a careful tone with a mouth full of waffles,”I thought Taehyung was...ya know..with someone.” He looked back and forth between you and Hana.

You said quietly, “Yea...he was.”

Hana folded her arms across her chest and said forcefully, “I don’t get him, _______. Like he literally doesn’t make any sense. I saw him last night. He was being so flirty with you. But then he goes and fucks some random girl? He’s just making things so confusing for you.”

You sighed and looked at the ground, “There isn’t anything to be confused about. He doesn’t like me. And I don’t like him. We’re just friends.”

“Well, why do you sound so sad then?” Jungkook asked from the ground. Fuck I forgot he was here.

You snapped, “I’m not sad. I’m fine. I don’t give a shit about who Taehyung hooks up with.”

Jungkook raises his hands in defeat, “Okay okay. But like I want to say, I’ve spent a lot of time with Taehyung these past few months and I’ve never seen him happier. And I know it’s cause you are in his life again. I don’t really know what his feelings are but I do know that you mean a lot to him.”

What does that mean? Does that mean he could maybe like me? No that’s crazy. He’s still fucking different girls every weekend. He couldn’t do that if he had feelings for me. 

Hana shook her head, “I don’t know. This all feels really weird to me. Boys are so fucking oblivious. Men are trash.” Jungkook looked up at her and pouted. 

“Except for you...I guess” she said looking down at him

You were so shocked at what was happening in front of so you just blurted out, “Okay I really need to ask because I’m so fucking weirded out right now, but are you two together?”

Jungkooks jaw dropped and he turned to face Hana. He said, hurt, “You didn’t tell ________ about us?”

“Oh shut up Jungkook. We’ve literally been together since last night. When would I have told her?“

You cleared your throat, “Wait wait just to clarify....you two are dating?”

Jungkook stood up and wrapped his arms around Hana tightly,“Yep she’s my girlfriend.”

Hana nodded weakly, “Yea I’m dating this idiot.”

You clapped your hands together, “Oh my gosh I’m so happy for you two! I’ve been rooting for this since Jungkook sent you that candy bouquet.”

Jungkook's phone started ringing and he looked at you, “It’s your man.” He answered the call before you could say anything.

 “Hey man, what’s up?” Jungkook paused before his eyes widened in realization, “Oh fuck I completely forgot. I’ll be there now.”  

He hung up the call and quickly started putting on his shoes and jacket, “I forgot we had a practice scheduled for today. I’m so fucking late.” 

Hana rolled her eyes, “You are so clueless” 

Jungkook was about to leave but he walked over to Hana and planted a kiss on her cheek, “I’m your clueless boyfriend now.” 

You saw her cheeks turn red and you knew she was head over heels for Jeon Jungkook. 

“Ugh just go to practice,” she said trying to remain cool. 

“Bye ______! Bye, love! I’ll text you when I’m done.” he slammed the door shut.

You turned to Hana and smiled widely teasingly, “Someone’s in loveeee.” 

“God I hate this,” Hana said, drowning her face in a pillow. 

“You’re so whipped. But good thing he’s a simp too. You’re both perfect for each other.”

She removed her face from the pillow and looked at you with a love struck gaze, “I am so whipped. I really like him ________. And I really like being with him. I never thought I would say this but he makes me really happy.”

Your heart melted at her words. Hana was only this sappy when she really meant it. You felt a sudden ping of sadness in your heart. It’s not that you didn’t want it. You wanted love. You wanted romance. But in order for any of that to happen, someone has to like you back. Someone has to want you in that way. And that’s only something that could happen in your dreams because you had always been the girl no one had a crush on. So your fairytale romance was something that was unattainable for you. You knew if you voiced these thoughts to Hana, she would tell you that you needed to try first. That you needed to actually tell that special someone that you liked them. But you couldn’t do that because you were so afraid of rejection, so afraid of letting someone in and having them walk right out.

She noticed your change in expression softly, “Hey. What’s actually going on with Taehyung?” 

You laid flat on your bed and exhaled deeply, “I don’t know. I just know I feel really unsure but I really don’t think I like him. I also think I need to stop hanging out with him.” 

She didn't press further, “If you think that’s what you need, I’ll support you.”

“Thank you Hana.” You were glad she didn’t start any arguments with you. She just listened to your wishes. 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------You had been sitting in the library all morning trying to avoid Taehyung. Just all of the things that he did this past week had been making you feel ~things~ but you felt sure that you didn’t like him. You knew if you hid out in the library Taehyung would never find you mostly because you were certain he had never stepped foot in the library. You told Hana where you were and made her promise to not tell Taehyung so you were quite surprised when you heard a chair pull out in front of you and there was Taehyung and his mischievous smile.

“Hey strawberry girl,” he said plopping down in the chair in front of you.

You asked in a concerning tone, “Taehyung.... you realize you’re in the library right? Like you aren’t lost?” 

He was wearing black sweatpants with a plain white t-shirt. He looked like the dictionary definition of a fuckboi with his backwards black SnapBack on. With a confident smile on his face as he took out his laptop from his bag he stated, “Nope I’m exactly where I need to be.”

Alright what game is he playing? “What the fuck are you doing here?” you said in a harsh whisper. 

“You know what I realized? Everyone thinks you’re this naive innocent girl but I swear we have not had a single conversation where you didn’t say fuck.” He saw your pissed off face and then went on to say, “But if you are so curious, I’m here to do work. You’ve bailed on me all week claiming you had ‘work’ so here I am. You’ve really forced my hand. Bringing me to the library to study. Imagine that.”

“Taehyung, I came here to do work alone because you always distract me.”You looked up from your books and noticed the sly glint in his eye and realized what you had done. But it was too late. 

Taehyung broke out into his signature huge smile and said, “Oh so you find me distracting?”

“That’s not what I meant Taehyung. I mea-”

He ran his hand through his hair and raised his eyebrow at you, “Is it because of my insanely good looks or because of my witty charms?”

You dropped your head against the notebook lying out in front of you and then looked Taehyung directly in the eyes saying, “God, I hate you”

He raised his eyebrow in a cocky manner with a wide grin on his face, “You're lying.” 

“Oh fuck off.”

“It’s okay cause I know you love me.”

Your stomach did a flip flop. You caught yourself; he didn’t know anything because there was nothing to know. 

“How the fuck did you know I was here?” you said exasperated.

“Your best friend has a weak will. Maybe don’t trust her with secrets.” He then did his annoying wink that always sent chills up your spine. 

Why did Hana tell him? Whatever. It was too late now. You resumed taking your notes and luckily Taehyung was able to do his work quietly. 

You became absorbed in your biology textbook until you heard a squeal, “Taehyung!”

You looked up and saw a really pretty girl standing by your table. She looked vaguely familiar but you couldn’t place where exactly you had seen her. She had a huge smile on her face as she was intently staring at Taehyung. 

Taehyung looked up from his laptop with a bit of a shocked expression on his face. He glanced at you quickly and then looked at the girl, “oh hey Eunjae.”

She was twirling the front strand of her hair with her finger and giggled, “What are you doing here at the library? I’ve never seen you here before.”

He chuckled nervously and nodded his head to you, “I’m here studying with _________.”

She turned her head to you and flashed a gorgeous smile. You gave a smile back and then went back to looking at your notebook. “So what are you studying?” She said leaning her hands on the table, craning her neck to see his laptop. 

“Um I’m working on a paper. It’s due next week so I’m trying to work on it before I get busy with practice,” Taehyung said, typing on his computer. 

“Oh yea! The championship is next Saturday. I’m so excited to be there to cheer for you! I've been to every game this season so I would never miss your biggest game!” Eunjae said gushingly.

“Oh wow. That’s really nice of you to come to every game.” Taehyung said.

Ugh. If he’s going to flirt, why does he have to do it in front of me? You tried hard to focus on your biology notes but the conversation between Eunjae and Taehyung was especially distracting. You were hoping she would leave soon so you could study in peace but once she pulled out the chair next to Taehyung to sit down, you knew she wasn’t planning on leaving anytime soon. 

You tried to tune out their conversation but something Eunjae said caught your attention. You weren’t sure exactly how Eunjae and Taehyung knew each other. You figured it was because she came to every game but even Taehyung didn’t know that. Then she said softly, but definitely loud enough for you to hear, “You know, Tae, I had a really good time with you last weekend. I was wondering if we could maybe hang out this weekend or something.”

Last weekend? Then it clicked. Eunjae was the girl at the frat party. She was the girl who was sitting on Taehyung's lap. I guess Taehyung never actually blocked her number. Of course he wouldn’t. She’s a really pretty girl giving him attention. You internally rolled your eyes. 

You heard Taehyung clear his throat, “Uh yea. That sounds good. But like this would be just as friends?“

She gave a high pitch laugh “Of course! I just want us to be friends. And then I mean, whatever happens, happens right?”

Taehyung said, “Yea I mean that’s fine with me.”

You hoped the conversation would end there because it was becoming excruciatingly awkward for you since both of them were blatantly ignoring your presence. But of course it didn’t end there, and Eunjae began talking about the cheer team to Taehyung. 

You didn’t want to be rude but you honestly felt yourself losing brain cells at this conversation. 

You had enough of their flirting because it was distracting you from doing your work. Not because you were jealous or anything. You closed your notebook and started packing your stuff. The sound of your backpack zipper caught Taehyung's attention and snapped him out of his conversation with Eunjae. 

“Hey _______ you're done studying?”

You didn’t really wanna want to get into a conversation with Taeyhyung so you simply nodded.

But of course Taehyung wasn’t satisfied, “So what are you doing now?”

You rolled your eyes. Why couldn’t he for once mind his own business? Eunjae desperately wanted his attention. Why couldn’t he just give it to her and not involve you?

“Back to my dorm.” you said not looking at him. “Bye Eunjae. Bye Tae.” And you stalked off.

You didn’t look back at him. 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You were going to murder Hana. You told her specifically not to tell Taehyung where you were. But what did she do? She told taehyung.

You burst your room dorm open and there she was laying on her bed, with her laptop balanced on her knees.

You smiled sweetly at her, “Hana, I'm going to kill you.”

“Perfect, because I’m really sick of studying for chemistry and if you could kill me before our exam next Wednesday, that would be great.” she said excitedly. 

You dumped your stuff on the ground and jumped onto your bed, “Maybe then I won’t kill you, so you can suffer.” 

She laughed, “Okay okay but what did I do?”

You tapped your index finger to your cheek, pretending to think, “Um...lemme jog your memory. Did a certain headass ask where I was today?”

Her smile dropped from her face, “Oh fuck.”

“Yea oh fuck. I told you that no matter what, Kim Taehyung was to not find me. What happened?” you exclaimed as you slammed your head against your pillow. 

Hana sat up straight in her bed, crossing her legs beneath her, “I’m sorry okay! I really did try to keep it a secret but he came over here because you weren't answering your phone. And I told him you were busy and he just kept on badgering me. I ended up telling him to shut him up.”

“Ugh. He actually came here? That’s so gross. Did he say what he wanted?”

“No he just said he needed to see you. Did he ask you anything at the library?”

You thought about it for a minute, “No he didn’t ask me anything.”

“Well then,” Hana said in a smug voice, crossing her arms. 

You turned your head to face her, “What?”

“It’s obvious _______.”

“What’s obvious?”

“Oh my gosh how are you this dense? He likes you.”

You scoffed in disbelief, “He doesn’t.”

“Cmon _______. When he came in here he was begging for me to tell him where you were, it was annoying but he was so genuine. I can tell there’s something.”

“There’s nothing.” you said flatly, turning away from Hana.

She said insistingly, “Why are you being so negative about this? He’s trying so much with you!”

You closed your eyes and took a deep breath, “Hana, I can’t fucking like him. I did once and it fucked me over.”

She went quiet. “What happened?”

“When we were highschool, I liked him. I’m pretty sure I loved Tae. And I was so sure he felt the same way. He gave me so much attention just like now. He cared about me so much. I was so convinced he liked me too. And when I was going to tell him, he said he started dating someone. And that someone became his forever for highschool. It fucking hurted so much, seeing him with her. It broke my heart over and over. And I just needed to get the fuck away from him. Because the worst part was, he had no fucking idea I was hurting so bad. So yea, I don’t think he likes me and even so, I don’t like him anymore. I honestly don’t have the emotional capacity to fall in love again.”

Hana whispered, “I’m sorry. I think you’ve moved on and I don’t want you to go through it again. Whatever it is, I’ll be there for you. I’ll help you keep your distance from Taehyung.”

You opened your eyes and looked at her. You were so grateful to have such an understanding friend like Hana,  “Thanks. You’re such a good friend.” 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Your plan to keep distance from Taehyung was going down the drain really quickly. It started off with an unlikely text.

Jimin: hey ________ this is last minute but i had an idea. This is jimin btw.

Jimin texting you was a bit out of place. You had only exchanged brief hellos and words when you encountered each other. 

You: hey jimin. whats ur idea 

Jimin: taes birthday is during break so I was thinking we could surprise him and celebrate it early. 

You: when were you thinking 

Jimin: this Saturday. That way we can all have some fun before finals and the soccer match 

This Saturday was a bit soon but you figured if anyone could pull it off, it was Jimin. 

You: sounds good. But we better start planning right away

Jimin: already on it. Jin hyung said we could use his apartment 

Kim Seokjin. You hadn’t personally met the guy but you knew he was on the soccer team and in the BTS frat. However, since he was a senior, he lived in an apartment off campus. 

You: bet. We need to figure out food, desserts, and invites 

Jimin: do you want to meet up tonight to figure out all the details 

You: sure. 

Jimin: you can come by the frat tonight. Taehyung will probably be out.

After finishing some homework, you grabbed your jacket and walked over to the BTS frat. As you approached the door, you saw Jungkook and Hana leaving. 

“_______? Are you here to see Taehyung? I think he just left,”  she said with concerning eyes.

“Hey Hana. I’m actually here to see Jimin.”

Her mouth gaped open but before she could ask you any questions Jungkook pulled her along.

“Sorry, love, but you can interrogate ______ later. We’re going to be late!”

“Bye Hana! “ you called as she waved bye.

You walked into the house and saw Jimin sitting there with Namjoon and Hoseok. You knew Namjoon because he was your biology lab TA. He had helped you with many frustrating biology labs and he was probably the only reason why you were passing the class. You only heard about Hobi from Tae’s stories of soccer practice. 

“Hey_____!” `Jimin called motioning for you to sit down.

“Hey,” you gave a little wave to all of them. 

Hobi smiled brightly “I don’t think we’ve met properly but I’m Hobi. “

You smiled and introduced yourself to him. 

“Finished with your biology lab presentation?” Namjoon said with his dimpled smile. 

You chuckled nervously and brushed your hair behind your ear “Uhh working on it. It’s taking much longer than I thought it would.”

“Phylum Nematoda is definitely a hard topic because there’s not that much information,” he said understandingly.

“I know and it’s jus-“

Jimin interjected your incoming rant, “As riveting biology lab is, we are here for a reason.”

“Right! So Yoongi is taking care of the catering. He has a family restaurant that he claims served the best korean food in the area so we don’t need to worry about that,” Hobi said reading off his phone.

“And Jimin knows all of Taehyung's friends so he will take care of all the invites,” Namjoon said.

“And all there’s left is the theme and desserts,” Jimin confidently stated.

You were confused “Theme? Why do we need a theme?”

“It would be fun ________!” Jimin said. “It can be lowkey but I was thinking we should do a formal theme. To appeal to Taehyung's bougie side.”

You thought for a moment and nodded, “Taehyung honestly does love getting dressed up.”

Hobi stood up from the couch and said, “Okay so then it’s settled. Everything is planned.”

Namjoon laughed and you chimed in, “Not yet. But I can take care of the last part. I’ll order a cake for Taehyung and have it delivered to Jin’s apartment.”

Jimin stood up and stretched his arms, “Okay, now everything is planned.”

You got up and said goodbye to Namjoon and Hobi as Jimin walked with you to the door. 

Jimin smiled at you, “Thanks for coming and helping us plan this. Taehyung’s going to love it. He’ll definitely surprised”

You both stepped outside and stood on the porch. “I mean I’m not sure how much I’m doing but I'm glad to help,” You said with a light laugh. 

“Well we’ll try to clean up Jin hyung’s apartment and decorate it on Saturday before the party. If you're free, we could definitely use the help then.”

“Yea I’ll be there. You can text me the details.”

You were about to head down the steps and say bye to Jimin when you saw Taehyung and someone else walking up to the house. 

You were trying to see if there was maybe a way you could hide from him or leave from a side path but it was too late. Taehyung had seen you.

“_______! You’re here? You didn’t tell me you would be coming over” he said walking onto the porch. You didn’t recognize the girl he was with but with her arms wrapped around Taehyung, it was clear that they were going to hook up. 

You gave Jimin a panicked look. Before you could say anything Jimin put his arm around your shoulder, just like how Taehyung did at the party, and said, “Well she wasn’t here to see you. She was here to hang out with me.”

You smiled weakly ,“Yep. Jimin and I were just studying chemistry. We have an exam coming up/”

“Yep chemistry,” he said nodding.

Taehyung had a weird look as if he were mad or something. His eyes lit up with a dangerous, angry glint that sent a shiver down your spine, “Oh. That’s nice. I didn’t realize you guys studied together.” 

You knew Taehyung well enough to know that he was using his fake polite voice. Jimin glanced at you and you realized he also knew that Taehyung was angry.

“I just was having some trouble and _______ said she would help.” 

Taehyung's eyes narrowed, “Maybe you should just get a tutor next time.”

You could sense the tension escalating, “Yea that’s probably for the best. I don’t think I was very helpful anyways.”

Taehyung opened his mouth to say some retort but the girl by his side whined, “Taehyung, can we please go inside?”

You smirked. Taehyung had been kind of irritating you with his weird interrogation so you plastered a fake smile and said in a fake sweet voice “Yea Taehyung. You should go inside. It’s getting cold out here. Bye Jimin.” You waved bye to Jimin and gave a glare to Taehyung.

God, boys give you a fucking migraine.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You and Taehyung had been in that weird fight for about a day before things went back to normal. He just texted you as if nothing happened 

Tae: are you busy Saturday night?

Saturday evening was Taehyung's surprise party so hopefully he wasn’t making plans then.

You: uh not sure yet. What’s up?

Tae: the guys are having a dinner to like get hyped for the game next week. Do u wanna come?

Ah. That must have been the excuse to get Taehyung to Jin’s apartment.

You: lolll no way. but try to have fun and not stress out about the game 

Tae: ugh ig. wish you wanted to come tho :(

You: we can hang out some another time. 

Tae: you say that EVERYTIME.

You: i mean it this time 

Tae: i’m holding you to it 🍓 girl

You turned off your phone and tried to fall asleep but the warm fuzzy feeling in your heart kept you awake. The sound of your phone ringing woke you up. 

You answered the phone groggily “Hello?”

“_______? Did you just wake up? I told you I was going to pick you up at 9:30!”

You looked at your phone. 9:21. Fuck. 

“I’m up and ready Jimin. No need to freak out.”

“Good cause I’ll be there in five.”

Hana groaned from her bed, “Why are you up this early?” 

“I have to go help set up but I should be back by 4.”

“You better. We have to get ready together.”

You quickly brushed, washed your face, and pulled on sweatpants and a hoodie. By the time you had your shoes on, Jimin was texting you to come outside. You said bye to Hana and raced out the door. You spotted Jimin waving in his black Audi and jumped in the car. You and Jimin chatted on the way there. You found yourself actually enjoying Jimin's company. He was very smart which you already knew since he was taking the same pre-med courses as you but he was also very sweet and funny. He pulled up to a very tall apartment building and you both got out of the car. You helped take out some of the boxes from Jimin's trunk that had tablecloths, plates, and other silverware. You two made your way up to the 7th floor where Jin lived. Jimin led you to his door and knocked. The door swung open and there was Kim seokjin. 

“Jimin! You’re late! It’s 9:41 and you said you would be here by 9:40.”

“Shut up, hyung,” he said, shaking his head.

You got a good look at Jin and he looked like he came off of the vogue runway with his blue button down tucked into brown slacks. Were all of Taehyung's friends seriously good looking? You finally understood why there was so much hype around them. They were all hardworking, handsome, but also genuinely kind, funny, down to earth guys. 

Jin took the box from your arms and said, “You must be ________. Nice to finally meet you. I’m Jin. I’m the most handsome and funny one of the BTS frat.”

You were taken aback by his forward ness but went along with his comment, “I mean your only competition is Taehyung and Jimin so no wonder that is.”

He laughed loudly, “See even she agrees and she just met me Jimin.”

Jimin rolled his eyes as he put down the boxes, “You can’t encourage him. It’ll only get worse”

Jimin, Jin and you cleaned his apartment and began to decorate. After listening to what it seemed like the 30th dad joke from Jin, you heard the doorbell ring. Jimin went over to the door and it was a guy who looked like Jin’s age carrying foil covered trays. He was wearing an oversized flannel and black skinny jeans. 

“I brought the food but there’s still a shit ton more trays in my car,” he said as he entered. 

He placed the trays in the kitchen and looked at you, “Who are you?”

“I’m _______” you said as you took the tray Jimin handed to you.

“Ah you're Taehyungie's girl. I’m yoongi, one of his hyungs on the team.”

You placed the tray on the table, “Nice to meet you. But I’m not Taehyung's girl. Just a friend.”

He laughed, “Maybe you should tell him that. He’s constantly talking about you. ________ made me cupcakes. ________ helped me study. ________ went to breakfast with me.“

You fought back a blush and said in a bored tone, “Yea well, We’re just friends. He doesn’t like me and I don’t like him. I’m so sure at this party he won’t even talk to me. I bet he’ll be busy with Jennie or something.” You felt like Taehyung always got distracted with other people whenever you guys went out. That’s why it always ended with you ditching Taehyung. 

“Really? I’ll take that bet. $20?” Yoongi stuck out his hand.

“Bet,” you said, shaking his hand. “He has to imitate the conversation and it can’t be small talk.”

Yoongi nodded in agreement picking up a tray and putting it in the oven,“Can’t wait to make $20 tonight.”

“In your dreams.” you said as you helped him put another tray in the oven.

The cake you ordered got delivered and Jin placed the large strawberry chocolate cake in the fridge. 

Since everything was ready, you and Jimin were about to head out from Jin's apartment. 

Hobi called from the kitchen in a stern voice, “You both have to be here by 7:30 otherwise I will make you run laps.” 

You and Jimin laughed and said goodbye to Hobi.

By the time you got to your dorm, you were kinda exhausted but Hana wouldn't hear it.

“Get up!” She said tugging your arm as you laid on your bed. You reluctantly got up and got ready with Hana. Hana had to force you to actually buy a nice outfit for Taehyung's birthday because you had left most of your nice clothing at home. You helped lace up the back of Hana’s dress and looked at her in admiration. She was wearing a satin navy blue dress that coordinated perfectly with Jungkook's navy suit. 

You opted for a floor length skirt that was black with dark pink and white flowers and simple black top. 

Once you and Hana were finally ready your phone read 7:15. Hana and you raced out the door after putting on your shoes and found Jungkook leaning against his car outside. 

He walked up to Hana and placed a kiss on her cheek and smiled, “Wow, love, you look...so beautiful. I mean you always do but wow.”

Hana gave a shy laugh ,“You have such a way with words. You look handsome too, I guess. C'mon we have to go! Hobi is going to kill us.”

Jungkook opened the door for Hana and looked at you and smirked, “Wow ________ not wearing jeans. It’s a fucking miracle. But I guess she’ll do anything for Tae. Am I right?” 

He opened the door for you and you narrowed your eyes at him, “I suggest you watch it Jeon Jungkook if you still want me to proofread your next essay.” 

He smirked at you as he hopped into the driver's seat and drove to Jin's apartment. 

You hadn’t realized how many people Jimin invited until you went up into Jin's apartment. Jimin had invited, of course, Jennie and the cheerleading squad, some guys from some other frats like EXO and ATEEZ and sororities like TWICE and LOONA. It honestly felt like way too many people but Taehyung was a social butterfly.

By 8:00 Namjoon arrived at Jin's apartment with Taehyung in tow. The surprise went well but you couldn’t really see much as you lingered in the back of the crowd with Yoongi. 

“You know you can’t actively hide from Taehyung. That’s not a part of the bet,” Yoongi said as he shoved his hands in his dress pants pockets. 

“I’m not actively hiding. I just don’t like crowds,” You said shrugging your shoulders. 

Yoongi nodded, understanding the feeling. You got a glimpse of Taehyung and he looked like he just got off of a photo shoot for GQ with his black curly hair and silver earrings. He was wearing a fitting black suit with white shirt and black Tie. Instead of a handkerchief, he had a dark pink carnation pinned to his suit jacket. He was saying hello to everyone, greeting all of his guests in a friendly manner and genuinely chatting with them. You really liked that about Taehyung. He obviously had his people he didn’t like but he was always kind to everyone. He was heading in your direction but Taehyung got pulled aside by Jennie. She pulled him to the couch and practically sat on top of him. Jennie looked really pretty wearing a short satin dark green dress. You sighed, once again feeling those familiar feelings of insecurity. You knew once Jennie got to Taehyung, he would be completely distracted by her. Well at least I’ll get $20 out of it. You sat down on the opposite side of the couch and looked around.

Hana was dancing with Jungkook. Hobi and Jin were trying to get more people up and having fun. Namjoon was with his girlfriend, talking with Yoongi and a couple other guys. 

You were wondering where Jimin went but then you felt someone sit next to you on the couch and heard his voice, “Hey _________ why aren’t you dancing?”

You turned to Jimin and saw his beautiful smile flashing at you, “Not really one for dancing I guess. Hana’s the one who dances.”

“Bullshit. Everyone dances. You just gotta be comfortable and have fun.”

“I guess.” You shrugged “There’s just a lot of people here.”

He smiled sheepishly, “Yea I guess I went overboard with the invites.”

“Well I mean as long as Taehyung is enjoying himself,” you said trailing off and glancing in the direction of him. Jennie was still on him, with her hands traveling on his jacket and his tie. You felt a bit nauseous at the sight. 

“I think Taehyung is having a good time,” Jimin said laughing at him and Jennie.

You felt that Jimin might have sensed a bit of sadness from you at the fact that you had worked hard on this party for Taehyung and he wasn’t even talking to you as Jimin spent the next hour or so sitting and talking with you. 

You could totally understand how Jimin got so many girls with his enchanting smile and charming personality. Your conversation about the stupidity of learning about the cow digestive system in biology was interrupted by Hobi calling everyone over to cut the cake.

Jin placed the cake you had specially ordered for Taehyung in front of him. Taehyung glanced at you for a second because who else would get him a cake covered in your shared favorite fruit. Jennie clung to his arm and squealed, “Okay let’s sing!” 

After singing happy birthday, Jin sliced the cake while you and Yoongi took out the food. 

“Seems like you’ll be giving me $20 tonight,” you said softly to Yoongi. 

“Hmm, I'm still pretty confident. A little hindered for sure, but I do think you’ll be the one losing twenty bucks,” he said smoothly, uncovering the foil from the trays.

You shook your head and resumed sitting on the couch while everyone got food and cake.

You were scrolling through Instagram and suddenly felt your arm being pulled.

By the time you fully registered what was going on, you realized you were being dragged to the guest bedroom in Jin's apartment. 

“Ow what the fuck!” You exclaimed, yanking your arm from the person's grip. You looked up and you saw Kim Taehyung.

He closed the door of the bedroom and walked right up to you. You had to almost crane your neck to look up at him. He looked pissed off. It was kinda hard to tell because his curls covered his eyes slightly but you could tell by his silence he was mad. But you were annoyed at his behavior: him ignoring you all night, Jennie being all over him, and him physically dragging you from the party.

You crossed your arms, “What’s your problem Taehyung? Why did you do that?”

Probably not the best way to start off a conversation with the birthday boy but you didn’t really care.

“Excuse me? You’re asking me what my problem is?” Had his voice always been this deep or is it because he’s angry?

“That’s what I fucking said, right?” You said back aggressively. 

Then he growled. You had never been particularly intimidated by Taehyung but right now, you were questioning all of that. 

“How about the fact that you didn’t talk to me all night? It’s my party for me and you spent the entire night eye fucking Park Jimin. You were talking to him all night and didn’t say a word to me!” He leaned his face closely to yours. His eyes were a fierce obsidian. You could smell his cologne, your knees went weak.

Why the fuck was he acting like this? Was he being jealous or was he actually just mad his friend didn’t say hi? Probably the second one.

You put crossed your arms defensively and stabbed your index finger into his chest, refusing to back down, “Okay Taehyung, chill the fuck out. I was just talking to Jimin because he sat next to me and actually talked to me. You literally went and said hi to everyone but me so it seems like you were ignoring me. Also, how could I come and talk to you when Jennie was sitting on your dick the entire party?”

He scoffed at you, “She wasn’t sitting on my dick. You could have walked over and just said hi. I don’t get why you’re hanging out so much. You’re mine.”

You widened your eyes at his words but before you could say anything He cleared his throat, “I mean you’re my friend.”

You were getting fed up with Taehyung's childish behavior, “Okay first of all, we are just friends. And I’m allowed to have other friends that aren’t you. And you don’t get to say anything about me talking to Jimin because that’s more than you did. Sometimes, I don’t understand you, Taehyung. I never say anything about the way you live your life so why are you saying shit about mine. But I guess if it isn’t clear enough, Jimin and I are friends and if your whiny male ego can’t handle that, then maybe we shouldn’t be friends.” You narrowed your eyes at him and then left the room.  

You were furious. How dare he say anything about you when all you do is try to be a good friend? This just reaffirmed your feelings about Taehyung: you didn’t like him. He was completely reckless. He was being so weirdly possessive and jealous even though you two were not dating and didn’t have feelings for each other. 

You put your face in your hands and sighed deeply. You felt completely drained and just wanted to go back to your bed to curl up and watch a documentary. These past couple weeks had been so busy that you barely stress baked other than the cookies you made on Monday.

You felt someone sit besides you on the couch and you peeked out of your hands. It was Taehyung. His head hung low with his curls completely covering his eyes.

He whispered in a hoarse voice, “I’m sorry. I'm a dick. And inconsiderate. And a jerk. And I shouldn’t have said those things. I don’t know why I did but I did. And I’m sorry.”

He looked at you and you saw his puppy dog eyes and melted immediately. How the fuck does he have so much control over you?

“It’s okay,” you said quietly

“No it’s not. You didn’t deserve that. You literally planned this party for me. You’re such a caring friend and I’m an asshat.”

You laughed softly, “I mean that’s true but it’s okay cause I know you're sorry.”

“Do you wanna get out of here?”

“What? Like leave?”

“Yea. I like this party and all but it's getting a little hard to breathe in here,” He said tugging on his shirt collar.

You laughed, “I’m always down to ditch a party.”

He pulled you up by the hand and led you through the crowd. He grabbed something from one of the coats hanging by the door and walked out of Jin's apartment with you in tow. You honestly had no idea where you were going but Taehyung kept a firm grip on your hand as he pressed the G button on the elevator. 

“Taehyung where are we going?” You said insistently. 

“Just relax. Don’t worry. I’ll bring you back to his apartment in one piece,” He said with that iconic mischievous glint in his eye. He led you to Jimin's black audi and opened the door for you. You got in and then he got into the driver's seat.

“Does Jimin know you took his car?” you said pointedly. 

“Jimins has been pissing me off and it’s my birthday so he’ll be fine,” Taehyung said as he put his hand behind your chair looking to the rear view window to back up.

You kinda forgot about the destination part of the journey as Taehyung drove. You got lost in the moment of chatting with him about his friends while The Weeknd played in the background. You snapped back to reality when Taehyung put the car in park and you looked around. He had parked in a vacant parking lot overlooking the sea. You stepped out of the car and heard the soft crashing of waves. The scent of salt water immediately relaxed you.

“Nice right?” Taehyung said, making his way to the hood of the car. 

You nodded, taking in the beauty and calming scenery, “How did you find this place?”

“I came out to take photos this morning and I drove around the area and stumbled on this place. I knew you would love it.” He sat on the hood of the car and patted the space next to him. You hopped onto the hood of the car and stared at Taehyung. You were always aware that Taehyung was insanely good looking but moments like this where you two were alone and you could clearly see him made you really appreciate everything about him. His boyish innocence, his kind nature, his ability to actually apologize for his actions. It only took the words ‘I’m sorry’ from Taehyung to make you forgive him. 

Your eyes drifted to shine that caught your eyes. It came from the rings on his hands. His fucking hands. How the fuck did Taehyung make hands look attractive? You loved the way he wore simple silver rings on his long fingers, the way he always wore the same three bracelets on his wrists, and his vintage Cartier watch on his right hand he received from his parents. You realized you had been staring at his hands for quite some time because he waved his hand in front of your face and said, “Hello? Earth to _______? Why are you staring at my hands?”

You felt a blush creep over your face.“Oh sorry. I just was looking at your rings. It’s cool,” You tried to say as nonchalantly as possible. 

“Thanks. I saw Jimin wearing rings the other day and it looked really good so I decided to incorporate it into my style.“

You cleared your throat, trying to change the subject, “So are you and Jennie like together or?”

He chuckled nervously and started to mess with hair like he usually did when he was getting nervous, “No. I mean like we fuck occasionally but like we aren’t an official couple.”

“Oh. That makes sense. I just wasn’t sure with the way she was acting today. It seemed like you guys were a couple. Other than the fact you weren’t matching.” You said with a small laugh.

“Yea. I’m honestly not sure why she’s like that. Whenever she sees me when there are other people around, she gets so clingy. And I don’t really know what to say to her because I’ve made it clear that it’s just sex,” he said, adjusting his watch on his hand. Then he looked at you, “Why do you ask?”

“Oh no reason. Just wanted to make sure.”

“Why? If I said we were together, would you ditch me again?” Taehyung said in a serious tone. 

You realized he was referencing how you two became distant once he started dating Yejin. 

“Taehyung, it’s more complicated than that.”

“Why is it complicated? You gave me a completely bullshit answer when I asked you.”

You sighed and turned your gaze away from him to the blue sea in front of you, “Because Tae, you can’t have a girlfriend and a girl best friend. Your girlfriend should be your girl best friend. Having both makes things complicated and I didn’t want to fuck anything up between you and Yejin. It was just easier to become distant from you.” That was partly the truth. You didn’t want to be that girl in the relationship and you truly felt that Yejin and Taehyung's relationship deserved to grow without any obstacles. Because that’s what you were: an obstacle in their love. 

Taehyung gently placed his hand over yours, “I wish you told me that. I thought you hated me or something.”

You tore your gaze from the crashing waves and looked into Taehyung's dark eyes “I could never hate you.”

He smiled  and winked, “Don’t worry. I know that strawberry girl. It’s comforting to know you’re just as whipped for me as I am for you.” 

You pushed his shoulder, “Shut up. I’m not fucking whipped for your dumbass.”

He went quiet for a moment and looked deep into your eyes, “I think it’s really sweet you're waiting for love. That you want to experience your firsts with someone you love.”

“You don’t have to say that. It’s really fucking lame.” you said, playing with the ends of your hair, twisting the strands around your fingers. 

“I don't think so. It actually makes perfect sense for you.”

“What do you mean?” you said confused, not understanding what he was saying.

“I mean there's a lot of different types of girls. Some like to fuck different people and some would rather not. And that's all fine because everyone has their preferences and a right to live their life the way they want to. I think girls like you are meant for something lasting, girls like you are meant for love.” 

You wish you could tell him all of your insecurities about love and romance; that you couldn't possibly fathom someone liking you back but of course, you had insecurities about talking about your insecurities. 

All you said was, “One day.”

“I think you’ll find the love of your life soon. You better introduce me to him right away.” He said chuckling, bumping his shoulder against yours.

It was getting really dark but you and Taehyung kept talking as if you had all the time in the world. 

“Okay, what’s your favorite quote?” Taehyung excitedly asked. He always came up with the most random but interesting questions to ask you. 

“Like from a movie or book or show or poetry?”

“Anything. I know you watch and read a lot of stuff so you must have some lines that have stuck with you.” 

“Um. Lemme think. You have to do yours too.”

“Okay bet. Well mine is ‘I wish they would only take me as I am’. Van Gogh said it,” he said in a soft tone. 

“Why do you like it?” 

“I just...feel like everyone has this perception of me you know? And I have to live up to it.”

“What perception do you think people have of you?”

“I guess the perception that I’m some stupid frat boy who only cares about soccer. I can’t have things I care about like photography or school. I constantly have to be this upbeat happy guy. I can’t have other feelings than that. I can’t have people I care about like my hyungs or you. And I’m automatically a douche for sleeping around. I mean I just wish people understood that I never try to fuck with feelings and I’m always upfront about everything. And no one ever wants to talk to me and get to know who I am. It feels like everyone wants something from me. I just wish” he exhaled deeply, like all of his anxieties were coming out of him, “that people took me as I am.”

You were quiet for a moment. Taehyung had a lot of expectations weighing on him and you had never really considered this internal conflict he was having. You said sincerely, “I hope you get to a point in your life where you don’t have to pretend for other people.”

“I don’t have to pretend when I’m with you.”

You smiled at him “I like the real Taehyung. The one who likes sitting by the ocean and taking pictures of his friends.”

He leaned back on his arms “I’m hoping other people will too. Okay, your turn.”

“Um okay, so mine is from a book. ‘Each of us is more than the worst thing we’ve ever done’. It’s from the book Just Mercy by Bryan Stevenson.”

“Why do you like that quote?” 

You thought for a moment carefully choosing your words, “Because so many people are hard on themselves. Myself included. And we like to beat ourselves up for the mistakes we made. Just dwell on it and let these mistakes define us. It’s hard to pick yourself back up and move forward. But I guess that quote gives me hope. For myself, for humanity.”

Taehyung nodded “I agree. It’s beautiful. I think, humans as a whole, we just are wired to constantly critique ourselves.”

You added, “And also, as a society, we tend to dehumanize anyone who does make a mistake. Like with our system of law and order. Our entire justice system is fucked and is a form of systemic racism that cultivates a binary understanding of morality. It punishes individuals who make mistakes rather than working on reform. It’s just-” you realized you had been talking for a while and turned red, “Sorry I kinda just went off there”

Taehyung just stared at you with awe, “No I like hearing you talk. You’re so fucking smart. Keep going, I wanna hear more about how our justice system is fucked.”

You felt your heart flutter at his words. You continued to explain to Taehyung about the internalized racism in the American justice system and the contemporary issues that are rooted in the systemic oppression of people of color as he listened intently. 

After talking for a little while longer, Taehyung glanced at his watch. “It’s almost midnight. We should probably head back.” 

You agreed and went to the car. The drive back was peaceful, with you two just enjoying each other’s company. Taehyung parked Jimin's car and you guys headed up to Jin’s apartment.

Before you knocked on Jin's apartment door, Taehyung pulled you to the side. He was holding your hand gently, “Hey. I’m really sorry for how I acted today. It was really bad and you had every right to be mad at me.”

“Tae I told you. It’s okay I’m over it.”

“I know. Thanks for making this night fun.” Then he leaned and planted a kiss on your forehead. You felt his warmth envelop you. Your cheeks turned red immediately and you felt your heart pounding. It felt like time had slowed down as his eyes completely entranced yours. Completely mesmerized, you thought, All I really want to know is what’s running through your mind when you look at me.

You tried to ignore the feeling of your heart melting so you crossed your arms defensively and retorted, “Even though you ditched the fucking party I planned.”

He smirked and knocked on Jin's door, “We both know you wanted to leave.”

Yoongi opened the door and when he saw the two of you standing at the door, a huge smile spread on his face,  “Well. Look who it is. I guess the lovely matching couple finally decided to join the party.”

You and Taehyung looked at each other. Fuck. It does look like you’re matching. Taehyung's dark pink carnation pinned to his black and white suit coordinated perfectly with your pink and white flowered black skirt. 

“Fuck off,” you glared at Yoongi.

Taehyung just laughed and entered the apartment. As you brushed past Yoongi, he snarked “So where’s my $20?” 

You flipped him off, “You’ll get it later.”

You saw that most people were gone which was a bit strange but it made clean up easier. It was just the BTS guys, Hana and you at Jin's apartment from what you could tell. You got to helping Hana clean up all the trash lying around. You were pretty absorbed in cleaning up and didn’t notice all the snickering coming from the direction of the BTS guys.

You looked at Hana in confusion and she shrugged her shoulders, also confused what they were talking about.

You heard Jimin and Hobi laughing really hard and looked over. You saw them doubled over in laughter and a very angry Jin. 

“Why the fuck is this happening to me?” He grumbled. 

Jungkook patted his shoulders, “Hey hyung. You just gotta let it go. It’s his birthday.”

Then it clicked to you that you hadn’t seen Taehyung since you guys entered the apartment. Hana and you walked over to the kitchen where they all were standing. 

Hana, with her hands on her hips, stated, “What in the world is going on? Why are you guys laughing and why is Jin mad?”

They all go silent and look at you. 

You furrow your eyebrows, “What? Why are you all looking at me?”

Then you hear it. A very loud and clear moan of Taehyung's name by none other than Jennie. Somehow you manage to remain emotionless and maintain a stone cold face but internally you felt your heart sink to the ground. 

“So you guys were laughing over the fact that Taehyung is fucking Jennie in Jin’s guestroom?” You scoffed, “How old are you guys? Five? I’m trying to go home as soon as possible so if we could all hurry this all up, it would make my life infinitely easier.”

You turned your back to the group and hope they bought your indifferent reaction. You continued to clean the apartment and tried to breathe shallow breaths. You tried to ignore the sounds coming from the room as much as you could but Jennie and Taehyung were being very vocal. You felt sick, with waves of nausea hitting you. After 20 minutes, you felt like your head and heart were going to explode. 

“Hey Hana. I’m really tired so I’m going to head back.”

She had a concerned look on her face, “Do you want me to come with you?”

“No, no I’m fine. I’m going to crash as soon as I get back.”

She nodded, “Okay text me when you reach.”

You gave her a hug and waved bye to the guys. You somehow were able to find the strength to make it back to your dorm.

The second you closed the door to your dorm, you sunk to the ground and the tears you had kept in came pouring out.

It hurt.

Fuck it hurt. 

author’s note: thanks for reading! lmk if ur enjoying the fic so far and if u would like to be tagged. pt 3 will be up soon!

tags: @fleurmoon @tangledsparkles @chocolatebelievercrusade @brokenobserver @ncitydreamies @soulstaes @bonnyskies @thelilbutifulthings @busansgloss @imluckybitches @xlectrahearts

[kurogiriis]

A/N: *I had to re-upload this bc tumblr is annoying* Apparently you guys really liked HOH Bakugou, so I guess I have no other choice than to write some more 😌 technically, 🤘 this means rock on, compared to 🤟 which means I love you but let’s just say the reader does 🤟 because they don’t know the difference lol not that it really matters since I just noticed JSL has a completely different sign for this 😔 Also, I absolutely ADORE rock, it’s my #1 genre so, excuse me while I plug my music taste into the reader’s playlist *ends up mentioning like 3 bands and they’re not even my faves smh* Also, this ended up being really long 0.0 I just love this headcanon.

HOH Bakugou with a crush who’s really into rock and accidentally does the ILY sign

💥 When Bakugou first met you, he was immediately attracted to you. 

💥 You were powerful, talented, smart, and most importantly, had a good music taste. 

💥 Fortunately for him, you were also really into him and enjoyed his company. 

💥 Unfortunately, neither of you were aware of the other’s feelings. 

💥 You and Jirou were always talking about new releases from your favorite bands in class or music from older bands you had rediscovered. 

💥 During the school festival, you became closer friends, spending time together during rehearsal. 

💥 Although he would never admit it, he wanted to spend more time with you, even after the event was over, switching seats to be closer and asking you to pair up during projects. 

💥 However, the more you hung out together, the more you noticed his unusual behavior when you listened to music. 

💥 At first, you began to think it was second-hand embarrassment. 

💥 After all, nothing could stop you from acting like you were in an actual concert when Bohemian Rhapsody or Kimi to Iu Hana played on shuffle, singing loudly off-tune and banging your head while doing what you thought was the rock on sign 🤟. 

💥 Every time you listened to your favorite songs over your headphones, he would always look uncomfortable, maybe even flustered. 

💥 One day, he just couldn’t take it anymore. While you were waving your hands around and singing out loud, he just snapped. 

💥 “Could you stop doing that fucking sing!” 

💥 “Huh? This one? 🤟” 

💥 He was blushing while he said it, looking away while muttering something under his breath. 

💥 “Yes, stop doing that, it doesn’t mean what you think it means, idiot.” 

💥 “What does it mean then?” 

💥 “Look it up, I’m not your encyclopedia.” 

💥 With that, he left your room, leaving you to wonder what that whole conversation was about.

💥 After hours upon hours of weird google searches seriously, try to describe hand signs with words you stumbled upon an ASL website explaining common mistakes beginner ASL learners made. 

💥 One of the first ones was how many did the I love you sign when they actually meant to do the rock on one. 

💥 You were confused at first. Why would Bakugou know sign language? But finally understood the reason he was flustered all those times. 

💥 When it finally dawned on you the meaning of your gestures, you felt very embarrassed.

💥 You had a big crush on Bakugou but telling him you loved him before you were even dating was a bit too much. 

💥 “How do you know sign language?” you asked the next day during homeroom. 

💥 “I’m going deaf,” he said matter-of-factly. 

💥 It all started to make sense and wanted to ask more questions, but class was already starting. 

💥 Once the period was over, he pulled you aside and explained further. 

💥 “My explosions,” he explained, “the bigger and louder I made them, the worse my hearing got. Before you say that you’re sorry for me out of pity just know I’m still better than all these fucking extras and I’m gonna be number one no matter what.”

💥 “I wouldn’t expect anything less,” you responded, being met with a pink tint on his cheeks. 

💥 Over the following weeks, you started to pick up some sign language and tried to communicate with Bakugou using it, seeing that it was easier for him to understand. 

💥 The time you spent together, becoming closer friends, the more your feelings for him grew, and, as cheesy as it sounded, you planned to confess to Bakugou with some of your favorite songs. 

💥 At first, you planned to follow that old trend of making a spotify playlist and confessing through song titles, but the songs just didn’t match. You just couldn’t have a rap song followed by two pop songs and then by modern and classic rock just for the sake of forming a coherent sentence. 

💥 You wanted to go with something that conveyed your feelings while not being too forward. This proved to be a difficult task. 

💥 There were a seemingly infinite amount of songs talking about love and heartbreak, but it seemed impossible to find one that truly resonated with how you felt. After all, you really liked Bakugou, but you also wanted to take things slow, wanting to actually tell him you loved him when you actually meant it and not during a silly misunderstanding. 

💥 After hours of scrolling through your playlists, you finally found one that was perfect. 

💥 At first, you were gonna go with IWBYL by Breimen, but I wanna be your lover might be taken out of context. Then you thought about going with What I Like About You by the Romantics. It seemed like a perfect option until you noticed Bakugou didn’t fit any of the things they mentioned in the lyrics. Crush by Tessa Violet also seemed like a good option until you imagined how you would react if someone made you listen to that song. It sounded a bit obsessive, so you decided to go with something else. 

💥 Feeling defeated, you thought about planning another way to express your feelings.

💥 You pressed shuffle on your playlist while you opened your laptop to look for ideas. 

💥 That’s when you heard the chorus.

💥 “Come over here and sit next to me” “We can see where things go naturally” 

💥 Although it wasn’t what you originally planned, the song just fit. You decided you would make him listen to it and explain afterward if he didn’t understand. 

💥 During one of your study sessions, you tapped him to call his attention. You had the song prepared on your phone and were planning to hand him one of your headphones, knowing that waiting for someone to listen to a song you recommend while in silence is possibly the most awkward feeling known to man. 

💥 As you held the device towards him he just looked at you in confusion. 

💥 “What?” 

💥 “Put it on.” 

💥 “I can’t, in-ear headphones mess with my hearing aids,” he said, annoyed at your ignorance. 

💥 “Oh.”

💥 You went back to your books. You knew you had to do this today or else you would chicken out forever. Tapping him for the second time, he turned towards you. 

💥 “What now?”

💥 Carefully, trying not to mess up regardless of your nervously shaking hands, you signed I like you. 

💥 His cheeks went crimson as he looked at you in disbelief. 

💥 “Are you sure you signed that right?” 

💥 “I hope so,” you said with a nervous laugh, signing it again carefully and adding a lot at the end. 

💥 “I-,” he was speechless and managed the seemingly impossible feat of turning even redder before nervously signing back I like you a lot too.

[kuratoki]

Changes 10

This was probably one of the hardest chapters I’ve had to write. I had a song on LOOP while writing these next few chapters so I hope the emotions can convey what I put into words :)

Do you agree that things change in time? Well four years abroad would tell wouldn’t it?

Pairing: Reader x Jeno ft. NCT`

Words: 2041

Warning: Swearing/Mentions of death from sickness/angst

1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 6.5 - 7 - 8 - 9 - 10

“Y/N.” Yukhei said your name once more, “I really think we need to talk.” 

You felt the sadness of losing your friend being replaced by anger when you heard Yukheis voice. You knew why you faced so much torment over the last four years at your school where technically no one knew of your old life. You knew why you almost lost your ability to dance, you knew it all. Renjun had indulged you of his findings the day the two of you went to the Moomin cafe and there was a large part of you that was unsurprised. You couldn’t believe you were some pawn in this stupid game of unrequited love that you wanted nothing to do with.

“What do you want to talk about Yukhei?” you asked in a low tone, not wanting to cause a scene but also wanted to get this conversation over with and your point across. “Do you want to talk about how you did your sisters dirty work?” you asked, glaring, “Or do you want to talk about how both you and your sister don’t do well with rejection?” you suggested crossing your arms.

“How about we talk about how you played with Xanders feelings this whole entire time when you still had feelings for someone back home?” Yukhei shot just as irritated and emotional, “Don’t act so innocent Y/N, Xander was like my brother and you led him on all these years while my sister stood on the sidelines being his number two. You left Y/N, you left him heart broken.” he continued, tears brimming his eyes, “It was because of you his sickness came back, it’s because of you he’s gone.” 

Suddenly a loud slap was heard across the room as your hand made contact with Yukheis cheek. If you didn’t want to cause a scene, you had definitely failed now. A crowd started gathering in the kitchen as you growled.

“You.  Know. Nothing. Wong. Yukhei.” you said between breaths, your eyes hidden beneath your bangs, “Xander was like an older brother to me like Jongin is to Renjun. Like he was to you. Xander never played favorites and you know that. The fact that you’re accusing me leading him on shows how well you actually paid attention to our group. Who was there with him during his chemo appointments Yukhei?  Who rushed him to the hospital when he collapsed in the middle of dance practice? Definitely wasn’t you or your sister.” your voice got lower as you went on and took a step towards him so you were right in front of his face.

“Your sister had feelings for him, he couldn’t return them and you very well know why. You also knew why I rejected you time and time again.” you narrowed your eyes as you looked at Yeeun from the corner of your eye and she looked at you wide eyed, “Little birdies told me that you and Yeeun were a thing back then. Did you think I was stupid enough to be the other woman?” you asked him with disgust. 

“You knew that he had feelings for me yet you pursued me behind his back while he was in the hospital all the while having a girlfriend back home. What kind of friend did that make you? Instead of being there for him at his worst, you and your sister were busy planning a vendetta to get back at me. Year after year, all for unrequited love. The two of you act like the victims here but you know and I know very well that Xander and I were the ones who were the victims of your stupid game. Stay the fuck away from me Wong Yukhei or I’ll really let Jeno loose on you.”

You then shoved passed him and through the group that consisted of almost everyone, including your friends and ran out the door leaving everyone else in shocked silence.

Renjun and Jeno looked in the direction you ran and Renjun nodded his head towards the door. 

“You go after her. You know the neighbourhood better than I do;” he said and narrowed his eyes as he directed his gaze to Yukhei pissed at all the accusations that he had thrown at you, “I have a bone to pick with this guy. Just make sure Y/N’s alright.”

“I’ll do my best.” Jeno said and put his hand on Renjuns shoulder, “Thanks for clearing the air earlier by the way. At least now I know I can trust you.

Renjun shrugged, “Hey, you’re the one who caught me. I’m glad that you came to your senses sooner than later. Now go.” he said and cracked his knuckles before starting his war path towards Yukhei, “WONG YUKHEI YOU FUCKING…HOW DARE YOU ACCUSE Y/N OF SUCH THINGS!!”

Jeno was out the door as Renjun continued his tirade and trusted that the guys in the house would be able to handle the situation at hand. Taeyong, Johnny and Doyoung were all there to mediate and Jeno knew that if he had stayed, things would’ve gotten worse. He, Jaemin and Hana were on the way back to your house when they overheard Renjun trying to comfort someone over the phone. He ignored it until the words, “Baby, please don’t cry when I can’t be there to hug you and comfort you’ left his mouth. When Renjun got off the phone he turned around only to see the shocked faces of Jaemin and Jeno while Hana was there with a knowing smile. She had known all along what Renjun was doing from day 1.

Jaemin had asked if Renjun was talking to his girlfriend and he decided to come clean, Renjun admitted that yes he was talking to his girlfriend. This jumped into a whole weird conversation about how everyone thought he liked Y/N and Renjun told them that it was his initial plan in order to get Jeno to  confess to Y/N. He explained that though he and Y/N were good dance partners, that was all they were. It was the golden rule of the Select Dance Company that partners maintain a professional relationship in and out of the company. This was why the two of you were so comfortable with one another, you knew your boundaries and kept to them.

They were pulled out of their conversation when Jisung ran out saying that you and Yukhei were having an argument in the kitchen and by the time they got inside, the only heard Yukhei accusing you of whoevers death and before Renjun or Jeno could step in, you had slapped Yukhei, leaving everyone frozen in their spots.

Jeno ran and could only hope that you’d be at the one place that you both knew. He hoped that somehow, you internally depended on him enough to be in a place where he could find you or at least a place someone could find you.

 Running up the familiar path, he let out a sigh of relief when he saw your silhouette further down the hill, looking over the cityscape.  Like the first night he saw you, he slowly approached from behind and stood at your side. You didn’t seem shocked that he was there, it was as if you wanted him to find you.

“You don’t have to say anything. I just want you to know I’m here.” he whispered, his hand lightly brushing against yours, he smiled when he felt your fingers interlace with his and you let out a shaky breath. You were trusting him, you were letting him in.

“Thank you.” you whispered, tightening your grip on his hand and shuffled slightly closer so your arms were touching, “Thank you for always being there, for always finding me.”

“Wherever you go, I’ll always find you.” he said and wrapped his arm around your shoulders, bringing you close and he felt you lean against his shoulder, finally letting the silent tears flow and all Jeno did was hold you. No words were said, just small gestures of comfort. He needed to show you that he was going to be there for you, no matter what.

After a few minutes of silence, you let out a soft sigh, making Jeno look up from his phone where he was checking his messages to see what was happening back at your house.

“Can we go somewhere tonight?” you asked out of the blue, voice shaky, “I just...I don’t want to be here right now.  I don’t want to answer everyone's questions back at the house...not now..”

Jeno thought for a moment. Of course they could,all he had to do was round up the gang and they would be able to go anywhere. It was the weekend after all.

“Just the two of us?” you requested before he could say anything, “I just...want to spend time with you…” you wanted to tell him everything, just him. So he could understand what you were feeling.

“Oh.” Jeno said quickly erasing the text to Jaemin and instantly thought of the perfect plan and texted Hana for a quick favor, “I know the perfect place.” 

You look up at him with a questioning look and he gave you a reassuring smile.

“I got it. Just stay here and meet me at the road entrance when I tell you to okay? I won’t be long. Promise.” Jeno said, kissing your forehead and started running back to your houses, leaving you in your thoughts.

By the time he got back to his house, Hana was waiting in his driveway with two bags, your purse and his car keys. 

“Don’t worry about things here. The guys can take care of it. Just make sure Y/N’s okay.” Hana said as she put the bags in the back of his car, “Call us if you need anything.” 

“Thanks Hana, I owe you one.” Jeno said with a thankful smile, getting into his car, “I think she just needs to get away for awhile. She’s been under too much stress. Make sure you don’t tell anyone”

“Your secrets safe with me. I know you’ll take care of her.” Hana said with a wave before a crash was heard, “That’s not good. I should go check it out to make sure everythings okay.  We’ll see you when you guys get back.”

Quickly sending you a text on where to meet him, Jeno drove off. 

“Where are we going?” you asked as Jeno drove at a steady speed on the highway, the sound of his playlist playing quietly in the background, “We could’ve taken the train somewhere.” 

“I wasn’t sure how long you wanted to be away for. This way, we won’t have to ask Jaemin or anyone to come pick us up.” Jeno reasoned, reaching over and taking your hand in his and he chuckled when he saw the color pink dust your cheeks, “I just want you to relax for a while and talk to me when you’re ready.” He wasn’t pushing you. Just letting you know he was there and didn’t plan on going anywhere soon.

Your hands remained intertwined throughout the drive. Somewhere along the way, you had fallen asleep, with your head leaning against the window, leaving Jeno deep in his thoughts. He had so many questions that he wanted answered but he also didn’t want to push you to tell him everything out of respect for your privacy. You were in a vulnerable state now and after what Renjun told him, the person that passed was someone who meant a lot to the both of you.

“He held the group together, someone that we all cared for deeply. But I think Y/N should tell you the rest. Be patient, don’t push her. She only found out the real reason weeks ago.”

Renjuns words rang through his head once more and Jeno glanced at you as your brows furrowed in your sleep, a lone tear sliding down your cheek. He wanted so badly to take the pain you were in away, he wanted to tell you that everything was going to be okay. But he couldn’t...and because of that, he felt helpless.

[fistsoflightning]

mune ga hachikire-sōde

my chest is about to burst.

                          gatheredfates’ [30 day WOL challenge] | prompt: letter 

just a lil bit of catharsis for me… sort-of kind-of a follow up to holy! also @to-the-voiceless​ i am So Sorry for this, thank you for letting me take the linkpearl idea from this fic but also i’m really sorry for the angst again??? that playlist you made for harudewah. i am Still losing my mind over it.

also CW: a’dewah definitely has an anxiety/panic attack and it’s. kinda hard for me to read through and i was the one who wrote it? just take caution since emotions are Messy!

[ao3 mirror] (the word count rounds to about 7.5k!)

“but i find that lately i've been crying like a tall child…  

...please, hurry, leave me, i can't breathe

please don't say you love me

mune ga hachikire-sōde

one word from you and i would

jump off of this ledge i'm on, baby

tell me "don't", so i can crawl back in”

- first love/late spring, mitski

it’s barely three nights after the last visit to the cabinet that a’dewah finds himself again holed up between shelves and books, studying potential ways for g’raha to infuse the damned auracite with his blood, and a’dewah has only just realized that his hands are shaking and he has a craving to teleport to doma on a whim. a small craving for salmon muffins tickles the back of his mind, but he shoves it aside.

“i suppose i should have expected this,” he sighs to no one in particular, a small wave of magic stopping the shivering in his fingers. if only he could heal away the rest. magic can only keep him running for so long, and to extend one’s waking hours like he does would be considered harmful at best and eventually fatal at worst, should he keep doing so.

whatever must be done to keep myself from doing something stupid.

it’s not hard to see him falling back into old patterns—of tiring himself out so he doesn’t think too hard about what he doesn’t want to dwell on, of slipping further and further into both avoiding his feelings and drowning in them. his old friend; that familiar hollow, needy feeling that chews at his sanity yet again as he keeps writing down formulas that might save g’raha from doing something rash that will absolutely earn him a beating from… well. a number of people in the future. that tiny, loud, intriguingly horrible idea that sits in the center of the empty warmth burning low in his chest like a lantern running on its last bits of oil.

an angry, huffy exhale escapes his otherwise tightly sealed lips. hells, that hollow feeling shouldn’t even be there in the first place; it’s not as if he had no source of comfort here on the first—he doesn’t need haruki’s attention like some fragile flower, he could just ask zaya or wyda for a hug if he really needed the warm feeling. he shouldn’t be needing to constantly argue with himself whether he should write a letter, or call, or do nothing at all.

really, what he should do is stop thinking about it, but here he is, squeezing his eyes shut and keeping his hands planted on the table. he shouldn’t want what he nearly destroyed this much, and yet—

greedy, he chides, forcing himself to hold the quill tighter so that it presses into the callus forming on the side of his finger; a quiet, grounding pain. not even elwin sounds this silly. ‘wanting’. he doesn’t particularly care for arcanima, but if it helps him in the game of tag he’s playing with his own feelings for what feels like the millionth time in his life…  

a’dewah keeps writing. reaches out for a book to his left, only flicking his eyes over for a moment to see the cover he needs, and then he sees the kanai-anzen omamori sitting on top of the very book he’d been meaning to crack open next, waiting from when zaya quietly snuck over to sit with him for a few bells.

great.

the prospect of slamming his head into the damned table and giving himself a dire enough concussion so that someone in this library gets the guts to drag him to chessamile and have her put him to sleep—preferably for a long, long time—grows more enticing every moment his brain spends convincing him that making a small, short call wouldn’t be so bad. so does the idea of finding a pouch of dream powder and using as sugar in his chamomile tea later even though he knows how lengthy a lecture he’ll receive from g’raha, alphinaud, y’shtola and lunya if he does try it.

y’shtola would be disappointed in me; looking for a simple way out instead of pushing forward, he thinks, lifting his quill from the page and glaring at the small ink pool in his usually neat (doman) handwriting. he’s still not accustomed to writing with a quill but eorzean shopkeeps don’t carry calligraphy brushes, especially not ones small enough for his needs. 

but someone in kugane might, he thinks and gods he just needs to get it over with otherwise he’ll never make it to tomorrow night with his sanity intact.

he leans back in the hard, wooden chair, running a hand through his too-tightly tied up hair until his fingertips brush the edges of his linkpearl earring, searching for the one that cools his burning hands like diving into a river. once he finds it, it’s almost too simple to thumb open a connection despite the larger-than-usual tug on his own aether, the gentle chiming as he waits leaving him to wonder if this was going to be another one of his mistakes. he takes a sip of his (cold, stale) tea, steals a glance back down at the damned arcanima circles, stares back up at the glass ceiling of the cabinet and counts the stars as he waits, still pushing away the wanting that suffocates his heartbeat.

the monotonous chimes give way to a whole lot of static and the quiet rustling of leaves in the wind, and a’dewah almost thinks he’s used the wrong linkpearl until a tired, gentle voice like lazy river water whispers, “hey, can you keep this quick? it’s kinda late, and i’ve had a pretty long day.”

“ruki,” a’dewah breathes out, sitting up straight in his chair as haruki gives out a small ah of surprise. his tea is definitely cold, but he feels warmed anyways, a jolt of energy restoring the clarity to his murky thoughts. “sorry, is it a bad time?”

“a little, but i really thought you were hana-chan, or tsukiko—sorry, mune fell asleep while we were out and i was a little preoccupied.” for a connection made across worlds, the quality isn’t all that bad—a result of zaya’s very long search for a good linkshell to gift him, probably—and through it he can hear running water, maybe a few splashes and the click of haruki’s sabatons against stone as he walks slowly. he’d have sped up, if a’dewah were actually there to see him. he must be at the docks of the enclave, walking home with mune cradled in his arms. “what’s up?”

“nothing, really. i just—” needed to hear your voice. wanted to take a bit of your time. craved the warm feeling that fills my chest anytime you laugh or call me sunshine. “i have a bit of down time, and thought i’d see if you were, uh, free to talk? we—last time i was dragged into treasure hunting before i’d got to catch up with you, so i was thinking we could, well, just talk.”

“for you? of course,” haruki says, and a’dewah nearly breathes out a sigh. “just lemme get mune in bed and we can ramble about our days, or… weeks? hey, is it night there too?”

a’dewah nearly says yes, but the chirping birds and first light outside the windows of the cabinet tell him otherwise… but if he says it’s early morning, like very early, will haruki just tell him to go to bed like everyone else? he lays his head down flat on the table, staring at the quill loose in his hand and the incomplete formula on the parchment in front of him longingly. he doesn’t want that. ah, and again; wanting.

“no,” he lies, steadying his voice. a little half-truth wouldn’t hurt him… hopefully. “it’s a little later than dawn, but it’s still morning.”

“er, sir a’dewah?” just his luck; moren comes around the side of the bookshelf, eyes worried and moss green hair tied into a bun—it seems the warmer weather was getting even to the recluse librarian. “the exarch requests you do sleep soon, partly on lady lanya’s behalf? i… don’t quite know how he knows your whereabouts, but he said something about requesting the help of a “hagane-san”... d-do you think he’s in need of chessamile’s sleep draughts again?”

a’dewah stifles a groan, because moren had thoroughly blown a massive hole in his lie and haruki would have heard him. plus—since when did lunya and g’raha know about his sleeping issues? why is g’raha threatening him with hanami? why is lunya so worried about him? he lifts his head from the table, somehow pulling himself together enough to smile back at moren.

“send him my deepest regards, and that i will as soon as i’ve finished here.” a’dewah points to the linkpearl earring gleaming lightly in the dim candlelight and then to his pile of papers, and moren nods before scurrying off, presumably to wherever g’raha is watching him from. gods, if he didn’t fear lunya’s wrath, he might have strongly suggested g’raha stuff it.

haruki pipes up after moren’s footsteps recede into the sounds of dawn, more worried than chiding when he says, “dewah—”

“i know, ruki, sorry, i was just—i’m in the middle of a formula and got stumped so i called instead,” a’dewah says sheepishly, picking up his quill and writing down a few more calculations before capping his inkwell. less so being stumped and more so not wanting to do it, really, but that was for him to know. “i’m getting out of the library, don’t raise your voice, remember mune has better hearing than you.” he always forgets that he isn’t a child anymore, somehow, with a booming voice and bigger lungs to talk with.

he hears a small sigh, the creaking of leather and a small squeak of metal hinges on a door accompanying it. almost amused, but still a little annoyed, and he can hear the new clack of metal boots hitting wood much clearer, the echoing distance quieter as haruki heads inside. “...go to bed; i’ll talk to you as much as you want once you’re in bed, ‘kay?”

“keep talking to me while i get back to the pendants,” he tries, a little desperate as he starts to clean his table, re-shelve the books and pick up his research. “and i promise i won’t make a stop at spagyrics to get g’raha more sleeping draughts.” a false threat; he’s not going to invite chessamile to worry herself over two miqo’te scholars losing sleep, but he… he needs haruki’s voice. wants the background noise as he makes a long walk to the other side of the crystarium, not wanting to risk aethernet travel bungling up his work. “just any old story will do.”

“sure,” haruki says, resigned and soft enough to make a’dewah feel like melting. “hey, something kinda funny happened in kugane today…”

as a’dewah quickens his stride so that he might cross the crystarium faster, passing by the aetheryte crystal that can’t take him home no matter how hard he tries, haruki regales him with the story of mune running off (worrying) and finding a great big green chicken (even more worrying) that was apparently the pet of a gigantic man named yojimbo (oh, he’s heard this tale before, with different names) and haruki having to chase him down, eventually running into hildibrand, nashu, and some poor sekiseigumi they dragged along for the ride who were also looking for yojimbo. at one point, he breaks his sentence to whisper good night to sleeping mune, whispering even softer than before and a’dewah finds himself whispering the same thing as he climbs up the steps and passes the manager of suites without even a hello. it doesn’t matter; he’s not loud enough for mune to hear him or know that his dad is talking to his uncle across the rift, and somehow that hurts more than the bruise he gets when he trips over the last step to the third floor.

“i suggest staying far away from anything involving hildibrand,” a’dewah says as he cracks open the door to find an empty suite awaiting him; wyda and tehra’ir had left for eulmore. duscha and valdis accompanied y’shtola back to rak’tika, while lumelle and elwin trekked back to the inn at journey’s head by alisaie’s side. everyone else is… on the source. “he has a knack for getting everyone into trouble.”

haruki laughs, the bright sound covering the rattling wind against the windows—it must be a summer storm rolling in for it to be that violent in less than an hour. “i know; i called hana-chan and lunya about him when i couldn’t find mune and the damn chicken and she nearly choked when i mentioned his name.” the quiet rumble of wooden drawers opening, latches being unclasped, and oh dear a’dewah needs to distract himself before he starts blushing like a drunkard. “i think ihget’sae nearly strangled him; ‘pparently lunya wrangled everyone to come investigate when she heard mune got lost in kugane-dori.”

lost in kugane-dori. even a’dewah’s a little frightened by the thought of mune getting lost, remembering what almost happened to elwin. “anyone would, really. hildibrand is…” a’dewah mumbles. he pulls his boots off and tosses them next to elwin’s sandals, hachigane and gloves placed on the countertop by syhrwyda’s new cookbooks. it takes a lot more effort than he thought it would not to just collapse into bed with his battle robe on, carefully moving to grab his kimono cardigan and pajamas from where zaya folded and placed them on the bench. “he’s a force of nature. a very dense force of nature.”

“so, like us, but… worse?”

he sounds almost hesitant, and a’dewah feels his ears pin back in slight embarrassment. “you’d have to ask hanami for her opinion. she’d described us as, er, something colorful when she realized i hadn’t told anyone i was no longer interested in g’raha. lunya overheard and, well… i feel you know us all well enough to understand just what happens when lunya finds out your secrets.”

“you didn’t tell them, ” haruki exhales in a wheezy breath. his voice is muffled momentarily by metal and leather being carefully set aside, back onto the third shelf in haruki’s closet just behind the spare miqo’te sized clothing, just for him. he usually wears his yukata to bed, and convinced a’dewah more than once to take one of his spares when he’d realized his normal sleeping attire was back home. he—rather shamefully and awfully desperate—imagines haruki digging through his closet for the right colored yukata, chest bare and shivering as a’dewah bites back a laugh of his own, remembering how he had to point a bleary, rushing haruki to where his usual clothing was when he nearly missed mune’s genealogy presentation because he kept both of them up half the night. he imagines seiryu’s scale and how it never comes off from haruki’s chest for longer than a few moments, mostly because it keeps coming back, and a’dewah can kind of hear the thrum of the auspice’s aether. he’d always jokingly stuff it in his own pocket when haruki got fussy about it, and they hadn’t realized it would stay in his pocket so long as he didn’t leave yanxia til a’dewah went with hanami to namai with it still there, sitting quietly in his robe’s pocket. “did hanami—”

“she threw me to the wolves, yes, and i can still hear lumelle and a’satina’s screech of excitement, do not laugh at me,” a’dewah says fruitlessly, since haruki’s already choking down his laughs so not to wake maki and have her yell at both of them for being rowdy at whatever time of night it is. at some point, haruki sounds like he’s inhaled helium, and that sets a’dewah off in the middle of taking off his robe, bending over and dropping one of the clasps for the chain keeping the front close and the sash tumbling to the floor.

“i—kami, i really love you,” haruki says as easily as he breathes once he catches his breath, followed by the sound of the closet door closing, the drawer rolling back into place, and his lance being set against the wall. a’dewah’s breath hitches, something more than a little terrifying starting to worm its way out from the cracks haruki’s i love you tears into his tempered walls. his cardigan feels scratchy against his skin as he sits on the too large bed, moving to grab a blanket or two as haruki resumes his routine.

and after he’s practically wrapped himself in the blankets to the point where he’s swaddled like a newborn, he mumbles, “i’m in bed.” the rumbling static climbs in volume as a small clap of thunder sounds—he wonders, briefly, if the storm is zaya’s fault somehow—but a’dewah can still hear haruki’s quiet humming, the tune familiar from when they were just ten and still tripping over the lyrics. haruki makes a small noise of affirmation, hums quieting down. he can see haruki’s eyes scrunching up, focusing in on whatever it might be.

he starts to remove the clips and pins in his hair as haruki’s softened hums keeps him company. part of him wonders if haruki’s untied his hair yet, letting the mess of turquoise and teal down from the singular hair tie he somehow keeps it all in, or if he’ll wait until he’s already in bed and about to fall asleep when he suddenly remembers about it. his fingers tingle with the feeling of carding through haruki’s hair and braiding it just to see if he could. part of him hopes haruki will let him do it again, even though the first time he’d somehow tangled up the three parts into more of a twist than a braid.

“okay! now i am too.” a loud puff of air comes through; haruki must have flopped onto the futon with his arms and legs spread out. the rustling of the blankets, even though a’dewah is certain it’s summer and there’s a rather humid storm outside. he usually pulls the covers up to his stomach, especially when haruki tugs him onto his chest and into his arms. “anyways, how was your da—er, night?”

“i was in the library for the past sixteen bells, ruki, i don’t think you want to hear about it. talk about your… your past few weeks?”

“ah, right,” he says, not at all phased by the confused tone of a’dewah’s voice. “well, i got back from gangos with a new staff for mune! i’m saving it for when he finishes his current lessons with the kojin on, er, water aether? he still doesn’t like going there alone, though; he keeps asking when you’ll come back whenever i mention it.”

“is that so?” a’dewah cracks a weak smile like haruki might see it somehow. “promise i’ll be back soon… but who made a custom staff for him?”

“oh, the bozjan resistance got… was it gerolt? well, it’s something about him being a great blacksmith perfect for reconstructing the blades of gunnhildr, and he was offering services to anyone who could get him the materials, so!”

haruki rambles on about how he’d needed to “expertly persuade” hanami into helping him out with finding the inscriptions for the weapon only to realize he couldn’t do shite since they’d have to delve into the memories of poor cid, who really deserved to have a break and a lot of tea, and with each sentence a’dewah sinks deeper into something horrible. the part of him that is selfish, craves attention and touch, seems so much colder now than it was before, the hollow pit now a yawning chasm of wanting. of yearning.

he does not deserve to be yearning for haruki’s hands running across his skin, scratching at the nape of his neck to comfort and behind his ears just for fun. love is not meant to be as one-sided as he’s making theirs, a cycle of unrequested but nonetheless cherished actions rather than one side constantly wanting and the other giving. part of him wonders if he really ever loved before, or if it was just the terrible, horrible monster inhabiting the same space as him craving affection and getting it however it could, wringing it from the people a’dewah cared for.

(did his short-lived love for g’raha feel as twisted as the garden of emotions he grows in his chest for haruki? or was this what being loved and loving in return felt like?)

he bites his lip as haruki mentions a few other things he’s had happen in the time a’dewah’s been away—a very lovingly made omamori from mune, complete with a cat charm that sounds terrifying to him that lunya chose out, something about meeting tsukiko in her civilian clothing and her panicking, a visit from seiryu and suzaku inquiring to his and hanami’s whereabouts that spooked shomi and maki for a precious few seconds, a conversation with someone who said how people dream to stay with someone even in sleep—and tries not to wish for too much. even with suzaku’s blessings, his heart was still weaker; if he stressed about how good a partner he was to haruki, he might die here without ever seeing him again.

he’s probably exaggerating a little, but he’s got that odd feeling he’s going to die soon. just a little.

when haruki finishes going on about his incredibly interesting past few moons, a comfortable, smothering silence begins. a’dewah shuffles himself about so his tail isn’t suffocated under the blanket, whipping about slowly. “hey, are… are maki-san and shomi-san still, er, angry at me?”

“you really can drop the honorific, dewah,” haruki chides quietly. “but! no. not really. mother might talk to you about communicating when you come back, but you’ll be fine.” it sounds an awful lot like i won’t let them hurt you, which is stupid; they’re haruki’s mothers, they wouldn’t hurt him intentionally—but a’dewah is much softer than the stuff aymeric and hanami and haruki are made of. a golden heart, haruki says, but gold is soft. malleable. melts, under enough heat, and he is already filled with enough molten feelings to rival the sun’s heat. a’dewah is fairly certain he will melt if he damages his relationship to the haganes more than he already has, the solar flares of regret and guilt worse than any magical red lilies he could conjure.

he wants and yet he fears what he craves, left wondering which part of him is the broken bit that needs to be healed so that he might be able to just ask for it instead.

“i… er, don’t believe you, really… but i miss all of you,” a’dewah admits, feeling a bit smaller and colder than before. then, a quieter, less sure thought that really has no business bothering him: “e-except maybe itomi-san, even though she d-doesn’t really count?”

“well, y’know, she and naonaka kinda disowned themselves, so you’ll be fine.” haruki’s voice drops a smidge into bitterness—well, that wasn’t what he meant to do, curse his stupid mouth—but haruki recovers easily. he always has. “homesick for here, huh? tell you what; you can list what you miss the most, and i’ll see if i can get hana-chan to carry it over for you. maybe a’khebica has some ideas.”

“i don’t—it’s. what i miss from there isn’t, er, something hanami can bring through the rift. khebica wouldn’t know, either.”

“well, the offer still stands; i might be able to arrange something,” haruki says, and a’dewah just knows he is winking to his ceiling with a gleaming grin across his face like a’dewah can see him, and in a way, he can. it takes everything he has not to groan and smile at the goofy thought in return.

even if he did list what he missed so much about home, he’d just sound so desperate because what he misses most is haruki. for the past four years he’s been confined to the first it’s been haunting him just how much he’d relied on haruki’s energy to fuel his own once garlemald started pressing down on them double time, wondering if any of his strength was really his own. he wants what the letters they send back and forth describe; the quiet nights spent in each others’ company, the adventures in eorzea he promised, the hugs and kisses and that one dance haruki really wants him to do, the garden they’ve been caring for since he’s been gone.

lunya had offhandedly mentioned, once, how he and haruki wrote to each other like a married couple in their honeymooning phase, and he flushed a brighter red than dalamud not because she implied they were married but because he really, really wanted that more than he should. a step too far too soon, especially with the empire breathing down the warrior of lights’ necks, but fuck he really wanted to promise his future to haruki even if he didn’t know how much longer he would live just because it felt more right than everything else a’dewah could have done.

he wants too much. greedy, needy, childish wants. he just wanted to be loved for so long, and now that he has it he wants more. wanton.  

“i can’t quite think of anything,” he lies through his teeth even though what he really wanted to say was i want to be yours, forever because he is and will always be a coward. “but if i figure something out i’ll tell you.”

for all his perceptiveness when a’dewah is sitting in front of him, haruki doesn’t seem to be able to pick up on him feeding both of them lies through linkpearl. maybe something to do with the interference. “‘kay.” the silence rolls back in, like an early morning fog that chills a’dewah because he knows what he’s dreading is hiding in that fog.

please don’t say you love me, a’dewah pleads even though that’s exactly what he wants to hear. i don’t want this to end, i want to listen to your voice for so much longer, i want to hear about you, i want, i want—

he must have pissed off some sort of kami of misfortune, because the very next thing haruki whispers to him, so sweet and kind and not at all knowing what he’s doing to a’dewah’s heart, is “i love you, dewah.”

“...l-love you too, ruki,” he barely manages to say, not even toying with the idea of saying love you more like usual, and oh he’s starting to cry, how embarrassing. it takes everything he has to clamp his hand over his traitorous mouth and patiently wait for haruki to end the connection, pull the blankets over his chest and go to sleep while a’dewah fights with the monster leaping out of the holes in his greedy, greedy heart.

for a moment, haruki goes quiet, only soft breathing coming over the aetheric connection, and a’dewah thinks he might be asleep. he… hopes haruki is asleep; he doesn’t know what he’d do if haruki heard him, really.

and then of course a’dewah’s fingers slip, a loud sob that sounds more like a dying cat than him tearing through the cracks, and the silent turmoil is broken as haruki obviously gets pulled from the beginnings of sleep.

“...sunshine?” haruki asks, sleep fogging up his voice and a’dewah stupidly opens his mouth to respond which only lets out a whimper instead of it’s fine , and gods he’s a horrible, horrible mess, why is he like this . it’s not fair of him to keep asking for haruki to talk him down from the edge, to cry every time he calls and expect haruki to pick up the pieces when they both know hearing him crumbles hurts both of them. “dewah? was that noise you?”

and on the other end, a’dewah can hear the rustling of blankets being pushed off—shite, he’s keeping haruki up by being a child about this—and haruki’s hands slapping onto his bedding in a light thump as he pushes himself up in fear. “what’s wrong,” haruki says so kindly and fuck, he’s crying harder now and a’dewah was already teetering on edge of something completely and entirely disastrous before he did this, why did he do this again? “did something happen?”

everything is happening at once, more like. 

“i don—i don’t know,” he cries, wrapping his arms around his head like he used to when prisca would say stop crying like it would keep him safe from his own thoughts… but haruki’s not prisca and he’s using his time for him instead of for himself so why is this even happening, he shouldn’t be panicking. the blanket tangles around him, comfort twisted into a trap and a’dewah feels like he’s drowning. “i wish i did but i don’t and i’m so sorry please just end the call i need you to sleep—”

part of him is screaming please don’t leave me alone and the other part wails don’t listen to me cry again, i can’t be good for your health while a third, utterly confused bit of him sits trapped in the middle, hunkered down. the monster a’dewah has been running from has opened its maw and spews out all the things he utterly craves but ultimately does not deserve from life, threatening to swallow him whole and permanently, this time.

“sunshine, i’m not going to let you be alone when you’re crying like that,” haruki says, and a’dewah can’t tell if it’s pity or disappointment pouring through the linkpearl but he hates it, please just leave him here to suffer. “unfortunately, you’ve found a very stubborn person to date.”

he knows, but he also knows haruki knows danger when he hears it, so why doesn’t he run from this? 

because he loves you, part of him thinks in mune’s voice, remembering the comfort the little raen boy could bring in four words when a’dewah looked worried in the middle of teaching him something and gods, since when was a child more emotionally mature than him?

maybe because you never got the chance to be a kid and grow up normally, he thinks again, teetering dangerously close to hyperventilating as he practically strangles his fingers in his tangled hair.

he has absolutely zero clue what haruki has been saying for the past few moments, evident in the rising worry seeping through haruki’s usually calm, energetic, happy voice. “love, i need you to breathe,” he coos, and a’dewah hisses, lungs not working with him no matter how much he wants to listen, his wanting finally turning on its head. “here; listen to me. follow, please, i can’t help you if you hyperventilate.”

he’s extremely glad past him had the forethought to tell haruki a bit about how he deals with scared patients, because he remembers to murmur in, breath deep, out, breathe out, and even though a’dewah chokes on his own air he can catch up. i’m here, i’m here, haruki hisses between breaths, and hells open, heavens weep, if he wasn’t already crying his dedication to making sure he’s alright rather than listening and cutting the call would have made him weep.

“hey, sh-sh-sh,” haruki coos once a’dewah’s breaths sound less like desperate gasps for air and more like struggling to breath past the fat tears streaming down his face. “i won’t leave you alone, you can pretend i’m there next to you until you can actually lie down next to me again.”

but you know i’m no good at playing pretend. he can’t believe himself, sobbing and wrapping himself further under his blanket and letting the fluffy, stuffy feeling wrap around him in some poor facsimile of being hugged. nothing here could possibly measure up to the feeling he so desperately craves, even though it’s just being in haruki’s arms. all he really wants is a hug. imagine that. 

gods, it must be killing haruki to listen to a’dewah sob like he’s dying—he’s never going to tell haruki that he actually died, a bolt of ice piercing through his chest and suzaku’s feather on a staff he had no access trying to save him once more—and he has half a mind to cut the connection between linkpearls just to save one of them from being in pain but his arm makes the executive decision to try and rip his hair out instead. he almost never has control over himself when he’s blubbering, so he’s not so much surprised as he is sickened by his lack of restraint.

“i—” he chokes on the words, a hiccuping gasp shocking both of them. “i’m s-orry, i didn’t mean t’ pull you back from sleeping.”

his chest feels like there’s a thousand ponze weight crushing it down into dust, his emotions becoming too much like they always do, inevitably. in a better universe, maybe he would have had the restraint to let haruki go to sleep first, cut the call, and be miserable on his own until wyda came back, or duscha decided to return because he somehow always knew when he’d break down next. so did krile. maybe there’s just something innately motherly about scholars when it comes to their younger peers (was krile older than him?).

“i wasn’t meaning to pass out then and there, dewah, but i’m sorry for making you think i was going to leave you hanging like that.” haruki makes a little noise that sounds like oh dear, followed by the quiet ripping of fabric. did he clench his sheets so hard his nails tore into them? “i had a feeling something was wrong from the moment you said you called because you had time.”

well then. isn’t that a bit embarrassing, to be found out from the beginning. “i shouldn’t have called.”

“but you did, and i’m very glad for it,” haruki answers honestly, and a’dewah can imagine him sitting, a little hunched over and relieved, eyes half-lidded and foggy with sleep, because he’s always been one to work himself down to the bone and pass out, and a’dewah’s been keeping him up for stupid reasons, this time. “you deserve to feel okay, and i don’t mind losing a lil sleep over it.”

a’dewah doesn’t deserve anything, really, but he’ll take what haruki gives just because he doesn’t want to be rude when he’s offering support so kindly. even if it’s exactly what he’s craving—comfort. haruki knows him too well and one day it’s going to get him killed, either from heartbreak when a’dewah screws up for the last time or from actual danger when a’dewah gets the haganes in trouble by being a public figure with a very peculiar lover and an adorable nephew that also happen to be related to another warrior of light.

“ruki, go to bed.” he curls up into his pillow, poking his head through a hole in the tangles of the blanket to breathe. he’ll just stay up until his stomach rights itself and the sickening dread-guilt sets in, something more comfortable than panic and safer than feeling content, because when he wakes up he absolutely won’t be okay no matter what.

“no, dewah, i think i won’t go to bed if you don’t too."

fuck, please don’t start this. “i—no, ruki, you can’t stay up on account of me being emotional, i’ll be—”

haruki scoffs, though more at the stifling tension and the lie than at a’dewah himself. “fine? please don’t lie to me. don’t close off again.”

“b-but… it’s not fair to you,” he croaks out, finally, throat raspy and dry. “to keep asking you to care for me when i break down. you—you’re not supposed to constantly have to listen to me cry, not when it hurts both of us because listening to someone you love in pain is horrible, horrible work.” he had experience with listening—watching over someone as they writhed in pain and knowing there was nothing he could do but watch if he didn’t want to harm them. he’d done it a thousand times before, and would do so a thousand more so long as the world needed heroes and wars. walking around amaurot besides hanami and zaya nearly tore his heart in two because no matter how afraid of them he might be they were suffering the whole time and even when he was pulled from the rift by g’raha and could heal again he couldn’t stop their pain as they all valiantly fought emet-selch. “let me just be fine, let me learn to take care of myself.”

he doesn’t want haruki to have to care for someone broken as him when the dirty work could easily be done by himself. he might be a caretaker by—not by nature, but by experience —but even the most stalwart caretakers have their limits and by nophica’s grace he does not want to be the straw that breaks haruki’s back. if haruki ever got tired of him, because everyone gets tired of a stubborn crybaby eventually no matter how much they love the person they can be, he wouldn’t know what to do. he’s too reliant, acting like a child when really he’s an adult, and it isn’t healthy for either of them to be like this.

a’dewah doesn’t want to leave but if his solar flares of emotions are hurting haruki he’d rather jump into the ocean and be extinguished forever instead.

“well, most people learn best by example. breathe,” haruki says, quiet even as the storm outside his home rages. he takes as deep a breath as he can, listening to haruki breathe with him. “can you name one person, besides me, all of balefire, and the scions, that has shown you how to care for yourself?” 

haruki leaves him in strenuous silence as he thinks, still there but waiting. he almost says my parents, but the last time he saw them was when he was eight, long since buried and he’s nearly thirty-six now—and really, did the nunh of any tribe really care for his sons past their strength, of which he had none because khebica said he’d inherited their mother’s love for the elements. mahja and tahja were too busy trying not to be a burden for him, atoh and vahno were both too young and needed to be cared for first, khebica was taught to care for herself first after what happened to her, and he was the only one castrum fluminis wanted anyhow and they nearly broke him before he was eighteen so who else? tsukiko was still too afraid of yudai, louisoix had so many others to look for first, e-sumi-yan didn’t even know—

“...i. i don’t know,” he says, and the revelation nearly shatters him. even among the people haruki had him exclude, he’d only just started letting them fuss about his wellbeing, except... “you might—you were the first. for a while, the only person i let try. you were just too—too...”

“persistent? thank you, it’s one of my strengths,” he says, a smile leaking through the crackling connection that makes a’dewah’s chest stutter in its rise and fall. “and besides, when i first saw you in that rice paddy i seriously got worried ‘cause i saw kotone almost drown there that same day. you were so much shorter, too.”

“ hey, i w-wasn’t that short then.”

“were too. anyways, you kinda proved my point. let me help, because i want to, and i’m sure you’ll be able to do it on your own soon. i want you to get better,” haruki promises, and the words a’dewah turns over in his head have a cool warmth to them, like diving into the one river in summer. something distinct, grounding. loving. “and if it means i have to share your pain, so be it. i can take a fair amount.”

great; he’s going to cry again, all because haruki loves him too damn much and he doesn’t know how to deal with it all, an ocean’s worth of devotion and promises poured into his hands and leaking through his fingers.

“i—i did warn you that this stuff is horrible, right? i don’t want you to get hurt from my issues,” a’dewah murmurs, hands grasping uselessly at his cardigan’s sleeves and fingers cramping from it all.

“yeah, and? it’s you. there’s not a lot that can keep me from helping you, save this damned soul-ghost situation. no matter what comes up, you’re stuck with me for the near future.”

a shaky breath on both sides, trying to survive the last few tremors of a’dewah’s fragile temperament. fabric rustling on haruki’s end; good, he must be tucking himself back under the covers, albeit gingerly. the guilt might eat at him later, if haruki says he didn’t sleep well, but for now the weirdly soothing thought of you’re stuck with me smooths the prickly bits in his chest back down.

“i have an idea.” haruki shifts, horn with his linkpearl brushing against his pillow. maybe he’s looking out the window, or looking out his door to check if he’d woken someone up in talking sense back into a’dewah. “we can keep the connection open ‘til morning; i’ve got aether to spare and you’ve even more than i do, right? it’ll be kinda like waking up next to each other,” haruki says soothingly, even though it won’t be like he says because a’dewah won’t be able to turn over and laugh at haruki’s bedhead, won’t be able to lazily pull haruki’s arm over his shoulders and feel safe. “we’ve got similar sleep schedules. it shouldn’t be too hard compared to saving the world.”

“i—i know what you mean, but…” what if when i wake up hearing your voice but not seeing you beside me just makes it worse, he would say if he had the guts, but all of those had jumped out the window with common sense when he made this damned call.

and yet haruki just knows him too well and answers anyways. “hey, it’ll be fine. think of it this way; part of me is always thinking about you, even if i don’t realize it, so just think of me,” haruki says, and a’dewah already knows where he’s going with this but isn’t that a thing they all reserve for mune, who is starting to grow up faster than they can keep up with? “and i’ll be there with you, always, because i trust you with my heart—and if that isn’t enough, i’m still just a call away, right?”

“r-right,” a’dewah whispers back, eyes brimming this time not with pained tears but happy ones, not even knowing how much he needed that little bit of permission until now. his heart is finally settling, after three or four nights of restless searching, restless wanting , simmering quietly in its proper place rather than leaving him hollow and melting. “and... i trust you with mine.”

neither of them have to say it, but even with the rain pouring down by haruki’s window and the winds outside a’dewah’s the silence coming over the linkpearl finally feels calm.

haruki’s next yawn is loud, and a’dewah can hear the tension melt from his voice like frost in spring and silver dew from plants in summer. “d’you think you can sleep now? or… should i serenade—”

his voice is utterly wrecked, but he somehow manages to yowl, “i can sleep fine!”

haruki’s bubbling laughter rises with the thunder outside his house, filling a’dewah with liquid gold warmth—not molten, but soothing, comforting, home. no longer threatening to melt him from the inside out but strengthening, and he can feel himself blushing at the thought of warm hugs just like this even though it’s not all that much, in the grand scheme of things.

when both of them manage to calm down—haruki from his ever bubbling joy and a’dewah from his constant state of embarrassment when it comes to haruki—it’s not too much for a’dewah to rub his eyes one last time and simmer in the dark warmth sitting further inside his chest, no longer threatening to overtake him for now. not bright, like his magic and the light and the harsh sun. dark, like the sunless sea and the stars and shooting stars overlapping, even if two of those things aren’t quite dark.

for someone proficient in white magic, it feels safer in the dark than the light.

“i miss you,” he whispers even though he has a feeling haruki found a way to laugh himself to sleep—oh, no, his breath hitches when a’dewah hiccups in an ugly croak, gods why does haruki find him attractive despite all of this—thinking of teals and oranges and fireflies that light up the white scales lining haruki’s jawline. “and i think i always will, a little bit. i want to be yours forever.”

there, he’s said it; i want. the simmering, unknown dark cools off, no longer warbling his voice, and his eyes start to feel heavy as adrenaline bubbles away.

“i could say the same, dewah,” haruki whispers back, words fraying as a’dewah’s past few days of running catch up to him, finally. “i miss you too, but you’ll be back soon, so for now? sleep tight.”

and he does, the tinny sounds of haruki’s breathing evening out lulling him to his dreams where he isn’t so far away from home.

[camillemontespan]

a kingdom divided [part sixteen: into the light]

Chapter Fifteen here if you want to catch up!

@jovialyouthmusic @pug-bitch @drakesensworld @moonlightgem7 @sirbeepsalot @ifyouseekheart @fromthedeskofpaisleybleakmore @dcbbw @notoriouscs @be-still-my-aching-heart @iplaydrake @thecordoniandiaries

***************************************************************************************

Camille changed into a white silk blouse, ripped blue jeans and brown sandals. She went out into the garden where Drake was cooking burgers. He was in his element. 

No, they weren’t in Texas yet. They were actually flying there that evening; no, they had decided to hold a barbeque in their gardens at their manor, as a goodbye party.

Camille had made her grandmother’s fruit punch and Drake had brought in burgers, hot dogs, chicken skewers, tuna pasta and other things. This was probably the most normal thing they had done since becoming a Duke and Duchess. He loved it and he felt it was an indication of what living in Texas would be like.

The head maid, Magda, had been showing the new servant Sarah around the manor. Camille had introduced herself and Sarah had tried her best to be outgoing, but really, she had felt starstruck. 

The servants had set up the long wooden table on the terrace, complete with the pink and purple glasses Camille had picked. The table had candles dotted around and fairylights were strung up around the Greek style columns in the garden.

Liam arrived first, as usual. He understood their reasons for leaving and he was only positive. He wanted them to be safe, especially with the baby. Drake was relieved that Liam had given his blessing.

Maxwell arrived with Bertrand. 'I've brought my iPod and speakers!' Maxwell announced happily. 'I've made a special playlist!'

Soon, everyone else was in attendance. Hana and Olivia grabbed Camille to give her hugs with Hana wiping tears away. She was really going to miss her best friend, though Camille assured her that they would be back after the baby was born.

Bertrand popped a bottle of champagne and everyone cheered. Drake smiled. This was how it was supposed to be. Easy, free and happy. He looked at Camille who was talking animatedly to Liam. For the first time in forever, her smile was genuine. Leaving Cordonia, despite the fact she would miss her friends, was needed. She felt relief.

                       *****************************************************

After saying goodbye to Drake and Camille, Liam went back to the palace for a meeting. He found his appointment sat outside his study.

'Emmeline. Its good to see you.'

Penelope's mother stood up gravely. She was beautiful, all porcelain skin and violet eyes, but the death of her daughter had given her a pinched look on her face.

Liam guided her into the study. He offered her a drink and she indicated the decanter of scotch. Liam poured her a drink.

'How are you holding up?' Liam asked gently. Emmeline took a deep gulp of her scotch. 'Not great,' she said. 'Actually, that's an understatement. I'm so angry. My life has been destroyed.'

'I truly am sorry,' Liam said.

Emmeline nodded. 'I know. I want you to know that I am your ally. I won't rest until this rebellion is put down. Cordonia needs to be a safe place, especially for all young ladies at court. I refuse to see it happen again to another innocent girl like my daughter. I feel a responsibility now.'

'What do you propose we do?'

'Well, what do you know so far?' Emmeline asked. Liam bit his lip. How could he tell her Penelope's best friend, Kiara, was part of the club who killed her daughter? But he was an honest man and he needed Emmeline to know. To keep this from her wouldn't be fair.

'Kiara wrote a note to my old servant who had been spying for me to stop or there would be consequences. I recognised her handwriting.'

Emmeline paled. 'Kiara is part of the secret club?'

Liam nodded. 'Yes. I'm so sorry, Emme.'

Emmeline gulped, tears welling up in her eyes. 'I loved Kiara.. She was always at ours to have sleepovers with Penelope. They were inseparable as young children. What on earth has possessed her to align herself with this horrific group?'

Liam sighed. 'I have no idea. I want to question her but I am afraid to show my hand too soon. But she is my only lead.'

Penelope drew her shoulders back, as if steeling herself. 'I'm not afraid of her. I just want justice. If there was a way to lure out Kiara and the group..'

Liam looked at her steadily. 'It is quiet at court right now. Everyone is too scared to be at the palace for fear the group will strike and I don't blame them. The group are hiding in the shadows.'

Emmeline gave him a cold stare. 'Then we must bring them into the light.'

                  ********************************************************

The King issued an invitation to his courtiers. They were invited to go to Portavira, where Penelope's family would be holding a farewell ball in her honour. A farewell to Penelope.

The invitation specified that attendance was compulsory, as Penelope was a popular member of court and deserved a send off that wasn't a funeral. Her own funeral had been too sad- this was to be a happy and bittersweet event.

It meant the secret club would have to attend. As Liam's servants who were also part of the rebellion couldn't go due to their positions, only nobles from the secret club would be at Portavira. Liam hoped it would narrow down his search for suspects. Nobles he could read and see behind their lies. Servants were trickier as they waited on him every day and he had no idea if their smiles were genuine. At least with nobles, he could tell a fake smile from a real one.

The guests were asked to wear purple, like they did at Penelope's funeral, as a sign of respect for her house and family.

                      ********************************************************

Emmeline stood at her balcony and watched the guests begin to arrive for Penelope's Farewell Ball. She scrutinised each person as they entered her Manor for signs of disloyalty, anger, rebellion. So far, nothing. She watched the King enter with a security team and his brother, Leo. He was dressed in deep purple military regalia complete with a silver sash. Emmeline smiled. She could always count on Liam to make an effort. Leo had dressed similar but with a gold sash instead. Gold to match his hair and skin.

She spotted the Ramsford brothers appear next. Bertrand was dressed in a purple suit while Maxwell's purple suit seemed to be glittering. Emmeline knew Penelope would have loved it.

Hana Lee arrived soon after with Olivia Nevrakis. Both women were dressed in purple. Hana's dress was made of silk and had purple chiffon trailing down from her elbows. Olivia's dress was tight and pushed up her cleavage. Emmeline swore she could see a dagger attached to Olivia's thigh, which showed through the deep slit on her dress.

Emmeline exhaled. 'I'm sorry I couldn't be there for you, Penelope,' she whispered. 'But I'll do everything in my power to make it right.'

                     ********************************************************

Drake's mother, Bianca, met them at the plane. As the Duke and Duchess were keeping their Texas break secret, she met them on the runway. Drake guided Camille down the plane steps and when he saw Bianca, he broke into a huge grin.

'Mom!'

'Ahhh my little boy is back! And Camille, look at your bump!' Bianca pulled them both into a tight hug. 'Come on, you must be exhausted. Let's get you three home.'

Camille fell asleep in the back of the car. Bianca looked at Drake out the side of her eye and smiled. 'You look so happy,' she said.

Drake nodded. 'I am. This is the best decision I've made in months. Just to get away from Cordonia.. I'm relieved.'

'How bad is it?' Bianca asked, wincing.

'It's terrifying, mom. Bertrand was poisoned, thank God he survived. Penelope is dead. There was a mob at the palace while the both of us were there.'

Bianca gasped. 'A mob attacked while my pregnant daughter in law and only son were in the palace?! Oh Drake, why haven't you both come here sooner?' She was staring at him in shock as she drove.

Drake cleared his throat. 'Mom, keep your eyes on the road.'

'You both have been through so much, why did you endure it for so long!?'

'Camille wanted to stay for Liam. She felt like she was abandoning him.'

Bianca sighed. 'That girl always puts everyone first before herself.'

Drake nodded. He knew that. It was one of the many reasons why he loved her.

They arrived at the ranch thirty minutes later. Camille woke up and yawned. 'Are we here already?'

They got out of the car and surveyed the ranch. Drake finally felt peace. When he glanced at Camille, she had the same expression on her face as he did.

                            *****************************************************

Olivia and Hana were on a mission. They stood by the bar with their champagne flutes in hand and were talking in low voices.

They had decided to team up when Drake and Camille left for Texas. Angry and sad that their friends felt forced to escape the danger, the two women had had enough.

Olivia had suggested they work together and Hana, to her surprise, agreed. 'Camille's our best friend,' she had said fiercely. 'All I want is for her to feel safe and those cretins have taken that right away from her.'

Their eyes roamed the room. 'There's Kiara,' Olivia murmured. Hana followed Olivia's eyes and saw Kiara playing with Penelope's poodles, Merlin and Morgana. 'That backstabbing bitch..' Hana spat. Olivia stared at Hana. 'Okay, cool it, babe. I think I prefer happy and sweet Hana.'

Hana sighed. 'Sorry. I just miss Cake.'

'Cake?'

'You know.. Camille and Drake. Cake. Its their couple name.'

Olivia rolled her eyes. 'You're sickening.'

'I suggest we spilt up,' Olivia said after a moment of disgusted silence.  'I'll go see Kiara, work out anything from her. I won't mention the letter, Liam is still biding his time. You go dance with Neville.. He is always vocal about his opinions and how weak Liam is, maybe he knows something.'

Hana groaned. 'I hate Neville!'

'Do it for Cake!' Olivia hissed, pushing Hana in his direction.

Hana sighed then fixed a smile on her face, trying not to act like she was off to her execution. He saw her approaching and a Cheshire cat grin developed on his face. 'Miss Lee! You look ravishing!'

Hana smiled politely. 'Care to dance?'

                       **********************************************************

'Hello Kiara.'

Kiara jumped when she heard Olivia's voice. 'Olivia! You scared me!'

'Good, my reputation is still strong. Its been a while since we've spoken. How are you?'

Kiara sniffled. 'I'm so upset about Penelope. She was my best friend, I never expected her to be caught up in this terror.. I can't believe she's gone.'

Olivia nodded, trying to look sympathetic. 'Neither can I. She may have been a bit too obsessed with poodles for my liking but I will miss her.'

Kiara blinked back tears. 'Sorry Olivia. I'm going outside for some air.'

'I'll come with you,' Olivia replied. She and Kiara crossed the room towards the French doors that led out to the gardens outside. As they neared the door, they passed Leo, who looked away from his conversation with Liam, to glance at Olivia. She could feel his eyes boring into her back as she left the ballroom with Kiara.

                          *******************************************************

There were a few nobles stood out on the terrace and Olivia and Kiara wandered away from them to go round the side where the fountain was.

'I like your purple dress, Kiara,' Olivia said. 'Penelope would love that you wore a narwhal as a nod to her house symbol.'

Kiara whipped around, staring at Olivia. 'Oh just shut up, Nevrakis! Quit being nice to me, I'm not an idiot.'

Olivia's mouth dropped open. 'Excuse me?'

Kiara rolled her eyes. 'I know you suspect me. But I wouldn't poison my best friend, I'm not that terrible a person.'

'So you wouldn't poison Penelope but you would poison Bertrand? What criteria do you have to fit to be poisoned around here?' Olivia blurted out.

Kiara froze. 'Poison Bertrand? You think I poisoned him?'

'I think you know who poisoned him. I wouldn't have you down as a killer but I can see you as a right hand man. You're weak, you're not a leader. You wouldn't have the stones to murder someone. But I can see you being roped into it, forced to watch, because you've always been that way,' Olivia spat.

‘You can't say no to people. You're a people pleaser, even worse than Hana Lee. But you would help the traitor if there was a benefit for you. Question is.. What do you achieve out of knowing who is part of a poison plot? '

Olivia took extra care not to mention that Liam knew about the letter or the club. That was up to him.

Kiara stared at her. 'I don't know what to say.. Except I am none of those things.'

Kiara advanced towards Olivia, hatred burning in her eyes. 'I am not a people pleaser!' she shouted. 'I am not weak!'

'Then be strong and tell me who is poisoning the court!' Olivia shouted back. 'Please Kiara. If you know something, anything, please just tell me!'

'Why?! So you'll tell Liam?! So you can laugh and watch as I am punished for treason?!'

'I promise I won't tell Liam!'

'Liar,' Kiara spat. 'You are so in love with him. He will never seen you that way though -'

'Believe me, I know that,' Olivia ground out. 'But if you tell me, you are giving yourself a chance. Save yourself! Help Liam!'

'Why would I help him?!' Kiara cried. She laughed harshly. 'I wanted to marry Drake but no, he went off with that commoner slut! And she is American! Liam allowed it!’

Olivia stepped back. ‘Wait, you liked Drake?’

Kiara ignored her, still ranting. ‘I wanted to be promoted so I could work in more diplomatic matters alongside Liam, I thought I could help him but he rejected me! Then he makes everyone a fucking champion of the realm or whatever they fuck they got called! You! Hana! Fucking Maxwell! What do I get? Nothing! And that is why the King deserves to lose his crown! He promotes everyone who doesn't deserve it and we are left with the dregs! That is why I won't give up the people who are poisoning his allies because Liam deserves what’s coming to him!'

Olivia stared at Kiara in horror as the girl spewed vitriol. So much anger and hatred was pouring out of Kiara. She was unable to stop. 'So no, I didn't poison Penelope and I didn't poison Bertrand but I am part of the people who are wanting to see the King destroyed! You think I am weak but you underestimate me because I am never. giving. them. up.'

Olivia clenched her fists. ‘Then you betray your King.’ Kiara’s eyes narrowed. ‘He is not my King,’ she hissed. Kiara suddenly sprang forward, a dagger shining in her hand. 

Olivia jumped back. ‘Kiara! What the fuck?!’

Kiara smirked. ‘I learned from the best, Nevrakis. Always carry a weapon, even at balls like this one. I’m sorry but I told you, I’m not weak. I can be a leader. Just watch me.’ 

With the dagger held high in the air, Kiara gave a scream and ran towards Olivia, her eyes wild. 

‘Olivia!’ 

Olivia turned to see Leo racing towards them, a terrified expression on his face. Her attention snapped back to Kiara. ‘You’re right,’ she hissed at the advancing enemy. ‘Always carry a weapon.’

Kiara’s body hit Olivia’s and the breath was knocked out of her. ‘I hope Liam knows you’re dying for him. I know he won’t care,’ Kiara hissed in her ear, before wrapping her hand around Olivia’s neck and squeezing hard. 

[nerdy-flower]

Folks on AO3 seemed to like this one, so I decided to cross-post it here! Enjoy!~

Solstice

Jesse and Hanzo's wedding ceremony + Genji's best-man-by-default speech, absolutely the sappiest nonsense I have ever written.

The tile of Fareeha and Angela's master bathroom is cool beneath Jesse's dress socks as he leans closer to the mirror. A delicate touch is needed with the comb to coax his hair into the nice, slightly slicked-back look he wants without raising any cowlicks. He sings to himself, a low echo beneath the struggling air conditioner and the chaotic din of their charming cabin-type setup.

Weddings have oddly never meant much to Jesse. The slivers he remembers of his mom indicate he was born on the wrong side of the blanket. His grandfather was just a photo over the piano and a pair of boots in the hall closet, his and Gran's rings pawned to pay for something or other back then. In Deadlock, no one could afford to end up on paper, even at a drive-thru chapel out of Vegas, so relationships had to be memorialized in other, louder ways. He's been to the occasional engagement happy hour for various coworkers since, but hadn't so much as attended a wedding until Genji and Zen got hitched last year.

“Oh I'm, gonna do this ri-ight,” Jesse hums, lips sticking together as he smooths his recently trimmed, still-damp beard into tidiness. “Show you I'm not movin', wherever you go-”

“Are you done yet, Jesse?” Ana raps on the half-open door, looking like she stepped out of a high-end fashion magazine. Forever classy, despite maintaining the highest kill-count in her division. She chuckles at his suit, seeing it for the first time. “Very handsome! But I thought white was only for virgins?”

“Nah, see? It's hussy white.” Jesse gestures to the cream-coloured jacket as he shrugs it on, satisfied with his face.

Ana snorts into her hand and brandishes a red rose, its stem wrapped with ribbon and baby's breath or whatever those little white things are called. “The flowers arrived, let me.”

“Thanks, Ma.” Jesse smiles warmly, sticking his chest out so she can pin the boutonniere to his lapel. “Everything goin' okay out there?”

The theme of their wedding might be “no fuss, for chrissakes” but Jesse still wants it to be a good time. Everybody had worked so hard to put this on for them. It might not be a big shindig, but he wants it to be a memorable, relatively disaster-free one.

“Of course,” Ana demures with a smile and a slow wave of her hand. “Everything's fine, nothing's on fire, these are not the droids you're looking for.”

Jesse laughs and gets an affectionate pat to the cheek before she hurries off to check on something or other. The younger Ms. Amari appears in her wake, plum-painted lips all pursed. “Get out of my toilet, I need to unfuck this eyeliner.”

“Told ya not to use your phone,” Jesse smirks, glancing at her enormous bunny slippers as they swap places. “Oh, please tell me you're wearing those for the photos.”

“I have hose on!” Fareeha gestures exasperatedly at her legs before rubbing a q-tip over her tongue. She looks real cute, all dolled up in that blue number Angie's sure to love.

Jesse shuffles down the hall in a mild fugue state, fixing his cuffs unnecessarily. He ought to be doing something, but he doesn't know what. The reception is a while away yet, that had been more his bag. He's less about ceremony and more about celebration, he supposes, but that's a bit reductive, isn't it? The faint burn of a red dragon recently inked into his upper arm is telling. He has a poetic heart, so he's told, a love for a symbol's secret meaning rather than its apparent one.

“There it is,” Gabe says behind him, Jesse turning on his heel to see Genji jogging up the stairs, a flush in his cheeks. “You alright? I heard shouting.”

“Oh yeah, just Hanzo being himself.” Genji rolls his eyes as he passes off Jesse's missing tie, nodding at him. “Do you have the lint-roller?”

“Olivia had it, last I saw.” Jesse answers, sending Genji hurrying back to the living room, hopefully to put on something besides pants and a tank top. “D'ya mind- ah, thanks.”

Gabe smiles as he leans into Jesse's space to fix his collar and tie the tie. “So, you ready to stand up in front of God and everyone and bet half your stuff that you'll love this guy forever?”

“Damn skippy I am,” Jesse laughs, watching Gabe's scarred hands work on a perfect knot. “Oh, by the way, I had Lúcio put 'Total Eclipse of the Heart' on the playlist for you two.”

“Aw, how thoughtful.” Gabe drawls, doing that fake-grin that stretches out the hole in his cheek for effect. “Are you gonna cry?”

“'Course not, we live together. There's nothin' to cry about.”

“He's gonna cry,” Jack says confidently, leaning on the banister while Gabe fixes the tie just so and steps away to grab some things. “Hana put tissues in your inside pocket.”

“You might need some, I won't.” Jesse retorts, jokingly defiant. He rocks back on his heels and takes a second to breathe. The last six weeks were a blur, but he remembers the next steps. Enter with Gabe and Ana on his arms, stand tall and look pretty waiting for Hanzo, everything else is on note-cards. Easy as pie.

“Hey.” Jesse adds after a moment's thought, and after Jack's screen-reader finishes telling him that Lulu ate her food and is doing fine at the kennel, thanks so much. “You don't feel- left out of this, do ya?”

He isn't sure what he'd do if Jack did, at this point, but it seems worth asking. Jesse's time in their patchwork family had seen him through their good times and their not-talking periods where Gabe continually said he was fine, but played way too much shitty music to mean it. His attitude had clashed with the former soldier's early and often, and at times it felt like it was him and Gabe versus Jack. He's way too old for that shit now, and the guy had paid for his GED, amongst other things in his quest to accidentally parent everyone he ran across.

“Hm? Oh, god no.” Jack breathes a laugh, folding his arms. “Honestly, I'll be happy to sit down and relax for the rest of the day.”

“You sat down the whole way here,” Gabe notes, handing Jesse his fancy shoes. “At least you got to nap.”

“I got out and pumped gas,” Jack replies, with an almost petulant cock of his head. “And do you know how boring that highway is without the scenery? I nearly lost my mind.”

“I know, I know,” Gabe scoffs, gripping the man's bicep in a manner that could be construed as loving. “And you did such a good job pumping that gas, it's what I keep you around for.”

“Hmph.” But there's an entirely fond smile with it, his fingers curling over Gabe's. Goddamn they're cute, in their black and slate suits with the little matching pocket squares. They had best not start making out at the wet bar, though that would be an improvement on Jack pretending he knows how to do the running man.

As they step out of the sliding-glass patio doors into the heady summer air, Gabe squeezes the back of his neck in what Olivia calls a 'man-hug,' though Gabe is far from the too-insecure-to-actually-hug type. “No la cagues, alright, mijo?”

Jesse snorts, knowing he doesn't mean walking down the aisle. “I won't.”

There's nothing fancy to it, not even a proper altar, just a bunch of folding chairs and a borrowed music stand  for Mondatta to set his notes on. Camping tents off to the side, lights and flowers strung through the surrounding trees, music playing softly through Lucio's speakers- a piano version of the ending credits theme to a movie they both love. But then Hanzo walks out, in the same outfit he'd tied Genji into last year, his brother on one arm and Amélie on the other. There's some shuffling and laughing over how to link elbows properly, but then their eyes meet while everyone's backs are turned and he smiles so sweet and Jesse's chest feels so full- “Oh god, he's so gorgeous.”

“Called it,” Fareeha whispers, smug as anything at his side, rose pinned to her chest and ringbox in hand. Jesse smacks her discreetly, to the amusement of the spiritual leader behind them, but can't say anything around the lump in his throat.

It's all he can do not to smooch those lips right there while Genji steps to one side and Amélie takes her seat. Hanzo takes his hands and grips tight, the afternoon sunlight doing wonderful things to his brown eyes, and it's enough for now.

“Dear friends, we gather here today to celebrate what will hopefully be only one of many happy days shared by Jesse and Hanzo. They have asked me to thank you on their behalf, for coming together to support them.” Mondatta begins, and goddamn if he doesn't sound straight out of a movie with the gravitas in his voice. Add the resplendent, silvery robes on top, and Jesse gets the draw of his speeches, and why Lena looks like she might explode whenever he's around. Dude's got charisma for days. “There are so many people who influence our lives and the paths we take, from before we are born until after we have gone. If you'll permit me a moment's indulgence, I would like all of us to close our eyes for a minute and think about those people, perhaps especially the ones who cannot be with us today. I'll keep the time.”

In the head-bent pause, Jesse feels Hanzo's hands shake minutely and he squeezes back tight. It's one thing to wonder, with gratitude and frustration, about how he got here and why. It's another to know, and speculate with all the acute pain of memory.

“Thank you,” Mondatta says, looking up from his simple wristwatch and back to his notes, a smile in his voice. “As we stand in recognition of the commitment that these two are making to each other, we acknowledge that their life together is not starting, but has already begun. They have withstood many hardships and experienced many joys that have led them to make this proclamation not lightly, but gladly, solemnly, and with great courage. In your shared life, we all wish you peace, but acknowledge the yet-unknown hardships that will test you and the bond you share. Are you prepared to take on these challenges together?”

“We are,” they manage in almost-unison, Jesse half a beat behind. Hanzo smiles at him sideways, sweat building at his temples as the sun beats down on the black cotton of his kimono.

Mondatta nods, almost cat-like in his satisfaction. “Good. Now, while you are self-sufficient adults-” Oof, that might be a stretch. “-You will still need a community to nurture you, and many hands to help you on the road ahead. So I ask all of you here today, do you pledge to support these two and the family they've created, to speak the truth kindly to them, and to lend them your strength in times of need?”

Scarcely a second passes before the air rings with “We do!” and the occasional “Hell yeah!”- even an impressive whistle from someone. Hanzo's eyes well up then, as they smile out over the crowd, though he thumbs the tears away quick as can be. Heaven forbid someone capture him having an emotion on film, Genji's quip materializes in Jesse's mind with only a sharp smirk over his brother's shoulder.

“How wonderful,” Mondatta continues, off-script and genuine. “The two will now exchange the vows they have written. Jesse, I believe you 'called first dibs.'”

Jesse's face aches from smiling while the titter dies down. He locks his eyes on his fiancé's and tries not to talk too fast. “Hanzo, you know me better than anyone else in the world and somehow, you still love me.” Muted laughter again, and an endeared chuckle from Hanzo, the same one he'll never get enough of. “You tell me all the time how I've made you a better man, but I don't think you realize that you've done the same to me and more. So, I promise to remind you of that every day, and I'll do everything I can to look after you and make sure you don't regret this, till death do us part.”

Hanzo's laugh turns wet, but his smile doesn't flag. He clears his throat at Mondatta's nod, shutting his eyes a moment to block everyone out. They had purposefully kept it short, Hanzo struggling to be sentimental in public. Even still, there isn't an ounce of hesitance in his serious, stage-worthy tone. “Jesse, I promise to always give you the best of myself, though you have often put up with my worst. I will take your family as my family, as you have already taken mine. I will work hard to make you at least half as happy as you've made me, to ensure our life together is well-lived, and I'll always draw you handsome.”

The laughter is mixed with sniffles now, one at Jesse's back and surprisingly none at Hanzo's, though Genji's glasses do nothing to hide the red in his eyes. The 'boring bit,' as their rehearsal sticky notes read, allows Jesse to catch his breath. They sign the register with their loopiest signatures, Genji and Fareeha stepping forward to do the same. Genji pours the sake for the san-san-ku-do ceremony Hanzo taught him the week before, Jesse kneading his chest afterwards. “Oof, shoulda had breakfast.”

“Do not vomit,” Hanzo whispers in that crisp, eye-narrowing tone Jesse's come to know and adore. He just snickers, though he hopes somebody remembered to make dinner rolls.

In the slim moment where the cups and bottle are cleared away, Jesse looks back. Zen's in the front row, neatly dabbing his eyes with a handkerchief, cute guy that he is. Ana is beaming, a single tear slipping down her cheek while she there-there pats a weepy Reinhardt. Gabe and Jack sit in similar tired old men poses, but their eyes tell all, Jack's arm looped around Gabe's shoulders. Torbjörn's brood takes up the two back rows, Brigitte shushing some of the younger ones as they fidget in the formal clothing they were wrestled into this morning. The rest of their friends sit rapt and smiling, leaning on each other and fanning themselves in the sticky heat. Even Amélie's smile is softer than usual.

“Now it is time for the exchange of rings,” Mondatta intones with something like giddiness, or as close as someone like him gets. He pauses so that Genji can open the box for his brother to take the ring, the glance between them speaking volumes. “Hanzo, if you would please take Jesse's hand and tell him first why you love him, second why this day is important to you.”

Hanzo obeys, having requested to go first so that he might 'maintain some dignity,' since Jesse's dignity obviously up and went a long time ago. He takes Jesse's flesh hand in his, his smile more than blue skies and sunshine to his fiancé in that moment. “I love you because you are a truly good man, one stubborn enough to love me.” Everyone gets a good laugh at that while Hanzo pushes his braid back over his shoulder. “And because I wished to show you that I'll never leave your side.”

The multicoloured band slips on with ease. They've worn them as engagement rings all this time, but slim tears still join at Jesse's chin. The levity in Hanzo's words somehow keeps the tremble from his own, but only just. Fareeha's grin is as big as his while she holds out the box, Hanzo's right hand almost fragile in the grip of his metal fingers. “I love you because you showed me that my dreams weren't anywhere near as good as reality.” Hanzo's lips pull thin at that. Who knew they'd both grow up to be such sappy bastards? “And because I wanted to prove how serious I've always been.”

The weight of Mondatta's hands on their shoulders is almost paternal, pride shining in his face as he speaks that much louder than his previous words. “What the two of you have made together, let no one unmake. You may-”

Hanzo's patience flames out exactly then. He cups Jesse's jaw and pulls him down for a chaste, but very firm and knee-weakening kiss in front of everyone they know.

***

Genji stands up and rolls his shoulders, much like their judo instructor taught them to do as boys. Lena passes him an unopened bottle of champagne (the good kind, he owes Winston a hug) with a cheeky grin. Hanzo and Jesse's thank-you speech was cute and all, but he'll never let his brother get one up on him.

“Several years ago,” Genji begins, minding his feet as he steps outside the circle of guests around the fire pit. “I agreed to go shoot pool with some weirdo I met in our dear Doctor Ziegler's waiting room, with the sole intention of getting him to stop bothering me. Spoiler: It didn't work, but at least I got him to quit calling me Shimada-san.”

That nets a laugh and Genji smiles, warmed by the setting sun and the half-finished fourth mojito in his other hand. He doesn't often drink now, beginning to fret over what medicine and addiction have done to his liver, but he's been working harder than Cinderella's mice this week and getting lit once a year never killed anybody. “Jesse and I spent a lot of time together back then, mostly eating and binge-watching stupid TV shows on a streaming account belonging to someone who shall remain nameless.” He gestures with the neck of the bottle. “But on an unrelated note, Fareeha, you should really change your passwords once in a while.”

“Son of a bitch!” Fareeha shouts from across the fire, firing a chunk of cake at Jesse which he catches and promptly eats just to spite her.

“I came to consider Jesse a good friend, one of the first I'd had in some time.” Genji keeps an edge to his smile while the crowd softens. No need to bust that emotional nut too early. “Luckily we never slept together, or this would be really awkward.”

Another chorus of giggles and snorts, the first groan of distaste from Hanzo. Perfect. “Around this time, a wild brother of mine appeared.” Genji quickly dances past the smoke, not wanting to linger on a painful point by collapsing into a coughing fit. “And in accordance with his lifelong pattern of terrible taste, developed a big fat crush on one Jesse McCree.”

“Love ya too, asshole.” Jesse smacks him on the way by, but Genji keeps going. At this point, he might need the perpetual motion to stay upright and dignified. Hanzo's eyes are trained on him, but he's not done yet.

“But unbeknownst to him, Jesse had also caught feelings,” Genji takes a sip of his drink for a brief dramatic pause. “Despite the fact that my brother is a stuck-up grouch who sucked his thumb until he was twelve.”

A proper snarl of his name sets him cackling, though Jesse is kind enough to restrain and smooch Hanzo into submission. He pushes his glasses back up, realizes he isn't wearing them, and carries on. “Jesse's approach to this situation was to drive to the other side of town every day for terrible sandwiches and a chance to glimpse his beloved's perpetually exhausted visage. Hanzo's approach was to do absolutely nothing.”

More laughter, more Hanzo grumbles. “They did finally go on a date with no insignificant amount of prodding from yours truly, but since it's their special day, I won't congratulate myself too much. Except to say, you're welcome!”

That inspires some gentle jeering aimed at the two of them, Genji bouncing back on his heels and almost slipping, gesturing with both arms. “But truly, I never expected things to turn out this way; Hanzo marrying the guy who taught me how to roll joints specifically because doing it one-handed is a pain in the ass.”

A deeper groan at that one while the others laugh and shout. “Relax, Jesse, it's not like your entire family's here or anything!” He slows his wandering to one side of the fire to avoid further swipes, lifting the bottle to draw attention to his left hand. “Being married myself now, I get to incorrectly call myself an expert and assure you that it's totally great- no, honest! Hey, I'm not here for those ball-and-chain jokes, you've all seen my husband. He's literally right over there, look at him.”

Zenyatta has been watching him with that knowing 'I will save you from yourself if necessary' look this whole time, but his posture softens noticeably, his hand on his cheek as he sits curled up on their blanket. So goddamn cute, it isn't fair.

“You already know exactly how annoying you both are, so I won't bother reminding you.” Genji grins again, lifting one finger from the stem of his drink. “Though by the same token, don't say I never warned you!

“Thanks again for letting us use your matrimony as an excuse to throw a party, that was cool of you.” He pauses for a chorus of cheers and glasses clinking, the sun nearly gone now and their friends' movements reflected in flickering shadows. “I think I speak for all of us when I say I look forward to you two enjoying a long and happy life together, and bickering like old hens when the sex gets boring.”

Another loud groan from Hanzo. Zen mouths 'be nice' at him on his way by, but Genji can tell he doesn't mean it. “Just kidding, a Shimada's stamina never dies! Don't skip physio, McCree!”

More jeering, a request from his brother to be put out of his misery. He paces again, his cheeks buzzing with laughter. “Hanzo and Jesse specifically requested no gifts- but we all ignored that and put money in the cards, right?” A beat before a series of nods and sarcastic put-offs, eliciting some whinging from the couple. “Okay good, otherwise I'd want my five dollars back.”

The laughter rises again and he speaks again before it falls, slowing the groove he's wearing into Angela's lawn. “What these two nerds don't realize is that I'm taking home the biggest gift of all, and they gave it to me without even realizing. Can anyone guess what it is?”

A few shout over each other, making Genji knit his brows together. “You guys are gross.” He smiles then, holding up his glass in proper toast. “The truth is that I've spent more time worrying about both of you than I care to say. When you two finally got serious, I was so relieved. Partly because I no longer had to listen to Hanzo's bitching, and partly because I knew I didn't have to worry so much anymore.”

Hanzo's face is rather blurry at this distance, but he can see the change in it. The way his eyes get big and how his spine straightens up. Genji's smile stretches impossibly wider. “The rest of you can laugh at this part if you want- but I honestly can't tell you how grateful I am that I get to watch you become who you always deserved to be.”

He keeps his gaze over everyone's heads because if he makes eye contact with anyone right now, he might cry and he cries super gross. “And I never thought I'd say this, but I couldn't be happier to have a new big brother.” Genji tips his glass in their direction, giggling at the odd feeling of the words in his mouth. “Thanks for sticking around, Jesse. God knows we haven't made it easy for you.”

He doesn't let more than a couple “aw's” and fond chuckles escape before interrupting, shaking the bottle as hard as he possibly can. “And on that note, congratulations! Let's get this party-”

The cork pops off suddenly, hitting the metal gutter of the porch with a spectacular bang while those nearest to him shriek and dodge the spray of foam. “Oh, whoops.”

“Trying to break my windows, are we?” Angela appears at his side with eyebrow arched, yanking him down by the tie as the others scramble up, Lúcio dashing to the DJ station he'd set up beside the bar.

“Now how was I supposed to know it would do that?” Genji giggles, filling her empty glass with flat champagne and kissing her cheek. She seems appeased as they finish it themselves, good. He's ninety-nine percent sure she could suplex him without breaking a sweat.

Hanzo and Jesse had opted out of the first-dance business because “It's embarrassing and I don't want to,” blah blah. That means Lúcio cranks the beats right from the start, to which Genji is not at all opposed. He lets Angela spin and dip him before shaking and shimmying his way to Zenyatta's side, then bouncing from person to person across the rented dancefloor like a tipsy pachinko ball.

It's not a huge group, the younger half of the Lindholm children already back at the monastery for a monk-supervised sleepover. The older half put the trampoline through its paces while the adults make fools of themselves. But damn, if there isn't a perfect energy to the night, both excitable and intimate. Emily pours him another drink and he revels in it.

Zarya ends up stealing a table to arm-wrestle any willing participants, which include his husband, who lasts an entire minute before she puts him down. Twice as long as Genji last time, he's impressed.

“You are like bamboo branch!” Zarya declares, lifting Zen's lean arm by the wrist and affectionately slapping his bicep. “Lean, but surprisingly strong!”

Zenyatta flushes, looking adorably sheepish as Gabe, Jack, Ana, Mei, and Lena clap for him and wait their turn. Genji's just about to walk up and tease the hell out of him when he feels someone grip his shoulder from behind. It's Hanzo, frowning slightly, how entirely unexpected.

“What's-” Hanzo wraps his arms around him before he can finish, his face pressed against Genji's shoulder. He can't help but laugh, though the tight embrace constricts his ribs. “Aw, two hugs in one day? You do love me.”

“Shut up,” is Hanzo's only reply, because of course it is. His eyes are doing the sad puppy thing when he pulls back. He was sort of born looking sad, but it's still concerning. “My speech at your wedding wasn't nearly as good.”

“You know, you're right! Tell you what, I'll get married again so you can do it over. Will that make you feel better?”

Hanzo scowls at him. Ah, such a nostalgic sight. “Can you stop ruining the moment for ten seconds?”

Genji downs the last of his cocktail and snaps his fingers into a point. “Nope.”

Hanzo sighs, his brow pinched like he has a headache but his eyes remain gentle, shining in the glow of the string-light canopy. He toys with the cord of his obi. “I will pay you back for this if it's the last thing I do.”

“The hell you will,” Genji huffs. “You don't have to wear that damn thing all night, you know. I didn't.”

“I like it, it's comfortable.” Hanzo insists, having not removed so much as the haori despite the heat. He folds his arms across his chest, his eyes lowered, the many piercings he chose to leave in because they were 'more attractive than empty holes' glinting slightly. His voice is barely audible when he finally speaks. “There is much I admire in you, and much I can never repay you for.”

Genji's response is stolen by the approach of Jesse. Hair askew, jacket off, and a big stupid grin on his face. “C'mere, you shit.” He hauls Genji into a bear-hug as soon as he raises his arms for it, gladly accepting it in lieu of the ones he used to dodge.

He groans as his toes leave the ground. “Ugh yes, crush me so I can skip this hangover.”

“Not a chance.” Jesse laughs, dropping him and slinging his arm around Hanzo, bending to kiss his forehead. The way he acts around him still makes Genji shake his head in disbelief. All Velcro eyes and little sighs and darlin'-honey-sugarbean's. Unbelievable.

Even more surprising is the ease with which Hanzo turns into his touch, lifts his chin to hold his gaze, lets his arm be stroked as they speak. To see his big brother smile again, watch him do the things he wants, not what he feels he must or is ordered to do- it's worth the world to him.

As he's having that realization, a certain slow song comes on and Jesse gets excited, tugging Hanzo towards the dance floor. He looks back at Genji for permission, legitimately concerned about his brother feeling ditched. Genji can't help but grab his face, squishing his cheeks and planting a smacking kiss on his forehead. “Pft, you're so cute, anija! Go have fun!”

“Ugh, don't.” Hanzo recoils from him like an angry cat before Jesse laughs and hurries him along.

He giggles and leans against the wall of Angela's house, considering asking Lúcio to put on something loud and fast after this so he can do an ill-advised handstand or twerk towards Bastion or something. No meds plus rum certainly leaves him with lots of ideas.

Zenyatta rolls up beside him then, merely smiling and setting his brakes when Genji plops himself into his lap, perhaps ten percent too confident his presence is desired there. God, he looks and smells so good. Buttoned into one of those gauzy pastel tops he prefers, features ringed with thin gold jewellery, nails painted and eyes lined in deep blue. His hand is so soft against Genji's cheek. He's beautiful. “You're beautiful.”

“And you're very warm,” Zenyatta observes, reaching for the buttons of his black vest. “Let's get this off before you overheat.”

Genji chooses comedy over tenderness, striking a pose worthy of a soap opera. “Ooh, Mister Tekhartha, are you trying to undress me?”

“Oh, you are drunk.” Zen replies, an amused statement of fact rather than a question, fixing him with a cheeky, freckle-bunching smile once he helps him out of it. “Try not to let your lips write cheques your body can't cash this time, hm?”

“I said I was sorry, I got the spins!” Genji whines in his defence, but quickly abandons that in favour of sweetly kissing Zen. He fits so perfectly in Genji's arms when he cuddles up to him afterwards, nuzzling against his temple.

“Do you want to go dance, dear one?”

Genji looks back, catching a glimpse of Hanzo tucked under Jesse's chin, Jesse's cheek on his crown, their hands clasped. With his glasses back on, their smiles are easy to see even from here. They both look so- safe, is the only word he can come up with.

“In a minute,” he murmurs, turning to share another, slower kiss with his husband in the electric night air.

[courage-a-word-of-justice]

Morose Mononokean II 4 - 7 | Mob Psycho 100 II 4 - 7 | My Roommate is a Cat 4 - 6 | Double Decker! EX 1 | Egao no Daika 5 - 7 | Shield Hero 4 - 6 | Magical Girl Spec Ops Asuka 4 - 6 | Royal Tutor movie

Morose Mononokean II 4

Aw, another little fuzzball to steal away my heart? I’m being spoiled, aren’t I?

For some reason, this episode was meant to be really emotional, but I felt pretty restless while watching it. Probably because I was thinking about playing Merc Storia all that time.

Mob Psycho 100 II 4

Didn’t expect Shinra to be back after his previous appearance…

Notably, you’d expect Matsuo’s name to have the kanji for “pine tree” in it, but it doesn’t - it has the kanji for “demon” and then one more.

I loved it when FLCL and SGRS went into manga mode, but for some reason, the transition into manga mode didn’t land as well here…hmm.

“I’ll go inside her…With an out-of-body experience.” - That sounds majorly wronggggggggggg, Mob, y’know? Even with context.

I find it interesting Mob perceives himself to be naked…as in, unguarded. He’s fine as he is and doesn’t need to change…in some ways, anyway. He could probably do with a few more emotions, but you get what I mean.

Wha-wha-wha-whoaaaaaaaaa. You mean, Mogami just got rid of Mob’s powers??? That is a nasty cliffhanger!

My Roommate is a Cat 4

Just seeing Hiroto near Kawase’s armpit…so unfazed…it’s kinda funny, but only mildly.

Tuxedo cat…ergh. The differences between American and British English never ceases to trip me up…I mean, the term makes sense…it’s just the differences between the types of English I’m annoyed at.

If you observe the OP, you’ll see Haru has that collar…I’m not sure if that’s meant to be a spoiler then…

Haru basically has the mindset of Kaguya and Shirogane, which makes this hilarious (and yet it’s still justified due to being a believable mindset for a stray!).

S-Smug dog!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Get out of the way of Haru-chan!

Shield Hero 4

“Draw your swords!” – Wasn’t there a rule saying Naofumi can’t use a sword anyway? Plus, Motoyasu has a spear, not a sword…

Balloon? Now, that’s funny!

Using magic to intervene is the cowardly action, methinks, Myne.

I find it interesting Naofumi sees Raphtalia as a little girl – it’s a perception of vulnerability, potentially weakness – when things are shown through his perspective.

Falling Through Starlight is beautiful, y’know that? Be-a-uuuuuuuuuuu-t-i-ful!

Magical Girl Spec Ops Asuka 4

Interestingly, Francine kinda looks like Mami (Madoka Magica).

Wait, is this woman Miura? (Sorry, I’m just wondering why Abigail – the blonde evil magical girl – would choose to use yakiniku to threaten people…)

Oh dear…it’s that train question (save one or save many).

Neding authority before you can actually do anything legal…now that sounds like Double Decker.

“Chef”? I was mortified when it came to the rusalka scene…but I think we already know why Povar is a chef…

CQC? Close quarters combat? Ooh, I’ve never heard it abbreviated before.

Well, I like how Povar and Rusalka Man (can’t spell Russian to save my life) always keep their salaries in mind. Makes them easier to see as evil.

Egao no Daika 5

Oh, this series has two moons? Kind of like Double Decker’s two suns, yeah?

I just realised Lily’s the only one with a skirt on her suit…

Morose Mononokean II 5

I don’t think I’ve seen a Fuzzy-centric episode ever since the first time we met the furball…

That hand on neck thing is apparently a CIA technique if I interpreted it right…just, it’s applied to a purple/white lion, so it’s hard to tell whether it’s the real thing…

Fluffy tadpole is best tadpole. All fluffy things are cute to me, even the lethal ones…I guess.

Seriously, if someone doesn’t call the animation of the Executive sakuga, I don’t know sakuga! That crow is some fancy animation!

Hanae’s mother is scarier than most youkai, given she can give me a nasty jump scare!

Mob Psycho II 5

This episode’s called Discord…which maks me think of the chat program of the same name…weird, huh?

Notably, it’s Dimple’s voice coming from Mob’s mouth…hmm.

That episode was real cool…it’s too bad by turning off the volume at the wrong time, I missed the Sajou no Hana song…

My Roommate is a Cat 5

Roku, Nana, Hachi…haha.

I noticed Haru has smaller eyes than Hachi…aside from the collar of course.

Aw…reunion too cute. I honestly think that this show has a fairly effective use of “filling in the gaps”, as it were, and thus making good use of cuts.

Double Decker! EX 1

Yep, we’re back with Double Decker!!! I’m glad to see it back, really.

Wait…ohhhhhhhhh. So Double Decker! doesn’t just refer to the bus in this show or the system. It means “2 Detectives” in Japanese (in a codeswitching sort of way). It was wordplay all along! Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh! I get it now!

This Deana assassin stuff must be a lie…

(after the commercial break) C’mon, Kirill, buddy. You’re drunk, y’know that, right…? Right??? Update: Oh, not drunk, dreaming. My mistake.

Oh, I was just saying that My Roommate is a Cat dos a nice job “filling in gaps”. Didn’t realise Double Decker did it as well. Also, how the heck is Doug unpopular with women???

So…Kirill actually got hired based on his feminine looks? Geesh, that Travis…

The thing I missed about this show was not being able to play the ED after an episode, so I’m glad to have it back!

Spec Ops Asuka 5

Having Kurumi fix up Nozomi’s arm kind of erases the consequences…but that’s what Kurumi’s for, right?

Barber Scissors…? Is this what happens when you take Kill la Kill way too seriously?

Wowee. Din’t think Sacchuu was capable of dealing nasty punches as well.

There’s gotta be some sort of parallel between Abigail and the queen vs Asuka and Kurumi…

Post-credits segment. Keep watching.

Shield Hero 5

Headbutt to the nuts! Oof!

When it comes to races, the one tune that comes to mind is one from the Dog Island (track 22 from this YouTube playlist).

I swear there was CGI during the race…on Filo.

Please don’t make jokes about Naofumi liking lolis, people. This is not that type of show…

Mononokean 6

Is it just me, or has this epiode been relying on the use of blue speech bubbles for humour more than normal?

It’s Mononokean: Sports Anime edition!

For some reason, I find the name “trashboat” hilarious. It was probably just “ponkotsu” (piece of trash) in practice, but the variation in English is really something to behold…

Ashiya sleeps like an old man, LOL. It must be cosy in that bed…

Moja is just adorable in whatever scene it appears in! Even Moja being dragged down a stream is cute~!

Relaxing your shoulders, huh? That reminds me that that’s a destress technique I haven’t used in a while. My head’s been spinning while I was trying to watch this episode, so I should probably get back to trying to do that stuff…after this episode, of course.

Price of Smiles 6

You think Spec Ops Asuka looks bad? Look at Price of Smiles melt in this “Yuni! You should recover!” scene.

For some reason, this one dude (I forget his name) being a father surprises me. He looks like the type to be single…

The female version of the name “Noel” is Noelle…get that right, people!

Layla’s right when she says one of the main causes of war is the struggle for resources and wealth.

Mob Psycho II 6

I noticed instead of a Mac or something, the computer is a “One” computer.

The board says something a lot more complicated than Saitama’s routine…which means One likes exercise. Maybe…probably.

“Codomo” phone, LOL.

The last time I heard of tofu in anime that I remember…was Boueibu. Something about Ryuu killing a man with tofu.

Somehow it didn’t occur to me until the eyecatch was over but the block…was tofu!

How do you even get drunk when there’s no alcohol in the drink??? (LOL)

Oh! Shinra again!

…Also Jodo Kirin!

Shield Hero 6

Naofumi is giving 0 f**ks about the dressmaker’s love of Filo.

Why is Filo CGI…? It looks unnerving, to be honest with you.

My Roommate is a Cat 6

Eleventh grade…16? 17? Heck, Yugo looks 27, not 17!

Notably, “Comic Polaris” is the name of the magazine that publishes the manga of this. Hence “Novels Polaris”.

Heck, Subaru. In the internet age in particular, people write to affect others. I should know, as someone who did just that just a few years ago!

Oushitsu Kyoushi Heine movie

Yay, we’re back! Crunchyroll bringing over movies is definitely increasing my workload for these commentaries, so with all the new things I’ve added to my lists of priorities as of late, I wonder if I can keep up…

Hitting us with CGI in the first minute of the movie…oh man, how far does CGI go these days???

Honestly, in my brain Wagner (Classicaloid) = the twins (this movie) = the Beppus (Boueibu LOVE! LOVE!). They’re very similar in terms of personality…

In the same way, Bruno = Schubert from Classicaloid (but swap one’s Sensei for the other’s Senpai).

Licht = Motz.

It seems like someone liked ponytail!Licht enough to keep him here. So it really wasn’t just me, huh?

Seriously, what’s this “God of War” stuff anyway???

Man, vocal exercises? This takes me back to my piano-playing days…I was a sightreader and only had to do one of the two (out of sightreading and vocal stuff), but there was someone else who had to do both.

This piano is bugging me. Its white keys are black and its black keys are white!

Somehow, Heine’s small top hat suits him. It’s probably because he wears a small beret in that same position usually.

More CGI background characters…*sigh*

Hmm…soft power at its finest(?)

Seriously though, why did that evil Duke guy appear in this movie again??? He has zero use plotwise. Sure, he was important in the first season and if we ever get a second he’ll be important there, but here? Nada!

Have you noticed Heine is in all those dance positions a girl would normally be in??? Hmm! Interesting! But still…if there’s one thing I ever missed from the anime’s experience, it would be-oh, scratch that! This is my cue to watch the cheesy live-action dance ending! I missed it so much!

Egao no Daika 7

Seriously…who is Eins talking to??? Whose emperor???

They still haven’t revealed what this new guy’s name is, even after his introduction…well, technically he was introduced at the River Deese, but we still didn’t learn his name then. (Did we?)

Spec Ops Asuka 6

Is Mia just this show’s version of Kyouko (from Madoka Magica, but American of course)???

Oooooookay, that (with the kissing and stuff) is so not what foreigners are like, people…

Oh, goodness. Have I really been living with this stuff (girl x girl teasing, with Kurumi in particular being one of the more extreme examples I’ve seen) in my magical girl anime for years now? I mean, Suite PreCure is laced with the stuff…

If ordinary rigor mortis business is at work, then I’d say the heater is to speed up the rotting of the corpse…

LOL, there’s Halloween-class…and then there’s Voorhees-class…how appropriate for Disas.

“Only one of the Magical Five would’ve known about that phrase.” – My bets are on Peipei, but we’ll find out for sure…someday.

Mononokean 7

As much as I found the pillow fight scene with Fuzzy in it funny, I swear Abeno is a bit too sadistic for my own good. What is it with some women and their sadistic kinks…?

Abeno calling Ashiya “hunk of junk” makes me think Ashiya isn’t much of a Sousuke (from Classicaloid), but they do have a lot of similar character traits, now that I think of it…hmm.

For some reason, I think Abeno knew the conditions of the deal and what the deal entailed in advance, hence the training camp.

Seiza…means sitting on the floor in the position Ashiya was in (knees to the floor etc).

Mob Psycho II 7

“Cheeseburger Tornado”, LOL.

When Reigen got angry at the TV, I was just like, “It’s Shield Hero (Mob Psycho version)!” I.e. you con the conman and not turn the conned into a conman…or something like that.

Those microphones are so obviously CGI, people…

I know I’m a fan of Yuzuru Tachikawa, but episode 5 actually didn’t do too much for me, to be honest (even though it was visual spectacle, which is Tachikawa’s strong suit). However, while episode 7 looked less punchy overall, it was miles better…

“First-press limited edition? That is the absolute best decision.” – What is that referring to??? Update: It’s referring to the BDs...or DVDs...or both.

Update: Forgot to add Double Decker to the title and tags.

[vvlin91]

Stage Patalliro -Stardust Project- Super Long Ass Review Pt.3 (end)

I’m finally getting to the actual play!

Here, with as little spoiler as possible, I'd briefly cover the show in general, the use of props, how they dealt with multiple injuries and what to keep in mind when you watch the online stream/DVD.

Pt.1 What makes Patalliro so special compared to other 2.5D productions?

Pt.2 It’s because of love - oh jealousy♪ - the BanMara perspective

The live audience, if inside the theater early enough, will be able to hear Patalliro, Bancoran and Maraich read out the preshow announcements, telling you to switch off your phones and stuff. They all use their distinct IC voices so it was really fun, and Sanaich would end his part with a soft moan. Just a sexy, sweet "Ahh~❤".

This play is titled "Stardust Porject" but it covers more than just that. It's actually based on the Stardust Project arc, "Fly me to the moon", that chapter where Maraich fake betrayed MI6 but was actually helping Bancoran and a few more tiny things from other chapters. It's actually quite ingenious to put the Stardust arc and Robby's story together because they are both space-themed. And they intertwined the 2 arcs together very elegantly it really doesn't feel in any way uncanon.

One pressing question many people had before the 2nd play was how it'd deal with the Maraich/Bjorn paradox. As we know from the 1st play, Maraich's encounter with Bancoran was completely different from the manga. Instead of having Maraich meet Bancoran in a masquerade, the writer put together stories from several pre-Maraich chapters, basically merging other pretty boy characters into one Maraich (I covered the reasoning behind this change in Pt.2). And that included giving Bjorn's story to Maraich by letting Maraich be the person to make love with Bancoran in the rose garden instead.

So where does Bjorn fall in the 2nd play? The writer simply compressed Bjorn's romance with Bancoran to a brief flashback with as little detail as possible. So Bjorn only showed up on stage when Bancoran was explaining their past to Maraich. There was little specifics to it and therefore does not contradict with what happened in the 1st play. Interestingly, they also paid tribute to Maraich's actual first appearance in the manga by letting Andresen show up to strangle Bancoran in a masquerade. The context is totally different of course but it's just a nice touch for manga fans who knew what they did with the story.

One thing Stage Patalliro is well-known for is its songs. I've seen many 2.5D musicals (at least I think I do lol) but to be absolutely honest, a lot of the songs are just mediocre. Even in a production as spectacular as Kuromyu, there are still songs I sometimes skip on the playlist. But Stage Patalliro's music is so insanely catchy it could easily beat 95% of the 2.5D musicals I have seen and it doesn't even call itself a musical! Also, all the original songs (not the cock robin song or other folk songs) are written by Director Kobayashi Kensaku himself! He has such an incredible grasp of the 70s-80s pop music style that I can well remember my dad asking me why Maraich's solo "That Man" from the 1st play sounded so familiar despite having never heard of it. The songs in the 2nd play are just as catchy if not more so. There are a couple songs that are taken directly from the 1st play, such as the Hana to Yume tribute song and the ending theme. The music is the same but they changed the lyrics to suit the new play. Overall, the music is just superbly awesome, I honestly cannot think of another play that's as karaoke-friendly as Stage Patalliro.

Besides reusing some of the music, they also made the 3 main characters enter the stage in pretty much the exact same fashion as the 1st play. Patalliro entered as he shattered his fake, beautified public image, Bancoran hopped on stage chasing away rascals with his killer eyebeam, and Maraich bursts onto stage with a hurried "Excuse me~!". Same formula, same taste but oh boy how sweet.

(In case anyone is confused this is from 2018)

Another beloved feature of Stage Patalliro is its use of intentionally "cheap" props, such as the famous "Cockroach Run" boards and Bancoran's actual laser pointer representing his eyebeams that were both used since 2016. One of the most outstanding examples in Stardust Project would be the tiny helicopter Andresen held on a long rope (as if he was flying down from it).

Also these plushies, used in a song that recaps what happened in the last play.

The use of such simple, almost idiotic props is both hilarious and such a nice tribute to the manga's retro style.

This year, Stage Patalliro suffered 2 injuries along the way. The first one was from dancer Sato Ginpei before the play even started touring. He surprisingly didn't leave the show, but instead just played "a guy in a wheelchair" throughout. Although they ended up missing one person in a lot of the dance numbers, they also added a few new jokes that were specific to the fact that he was in a wheelchair.

And then there's Yoshimoto Kouki, whose injury was probably too serious for him to even travel from Tokyo to Osaka. He ended up missing the entire Osaka tour. In 100% Patalliro style, they wrote on the official website saying there will be a "replacement" for his role without actually doing so. Kouki's character Tamanegi No.17 was not himself an indispensable character. There aren't any lines that MUST come out of his mouth. So his lines can easily be said by the other 4 Tamanegi boys. But even so, they refused to wipe away the existence of No.17. Even if Kouki cannot be here in person, they will make sure that the audience KNOW that he is supposed to be here with the rest of them.

At the start of every performance in Osaka, Director Kobayashi would come on stage in person to explain Kouki's situation and apologize. He said they made changes to the show that could give the impression that "No.17 is still here". And so what they did was that during the Tamanegi pheromone corner, where all of them have to perform their very own skits, the other 4 boys would just talk to air as if No.17 was present. "Hey, No.17, it's your turn." "No.17, good job!" even adding splashing sound effects to indicate No.17 entering the Jacuzzi. When they leave the stage all sitting inside the Jacuzzi, they will hold up a helmet to caress it while lovingly calling, "Oh, No.17..."

In the ending song, when all the Tamanegi boys would dance in a row arm in arm, Aoki Jin would extend an arm to his left to indicate that's where Kouki would be standing had he been there. During curtain call, they also encouraged the audience to buy Kouki's bromide set "so you know what he looks like". So even though the Osaka audience did not see Kouki there in person, it was impossible to not remember him.

(No.17′s invisible presence in their finale photo)

Lucky for us, they did the recording before Kouki got injured, which means fans can still enjoy his performance in this play by purchasing the DVD and/or online stream!

In a way Stage Patalliro has always felt like a strange family to me. A group of adventurers got together to attempt the implausible, and their crazy experiment ended up a huge success. That’s why they kept even the same ensemble team. Basically everyone who’s already here STAYS, only new people in, but nobody goes away. If you are in a wheelchair, we will let you play a guy in a wheelchair. If you can't even be here on stage, we will STILL make sure that you ARE ON STAGE. It's the kind of creativity and freedom that is uniquely enjoyed by a play like Patalliro.

Lastly, things you will not see in the online stream/DVD version. I write this list to remind you that plays evolve, accidents happen and what you can't see on the screen doesn't mean it never happened:

BanMara kiss: they did not kiss until they started their Osaka tour, the recording was done in Tokyo. Also missing would be Patalliro’s long disgusted scream after he saw them kiss with his own eyes lol

Bancoran's "Maraich" pink happi: he only started wearing it on March 23rd, the recording was done on March 21st.

Maraich's middle finger: at the start of their lovers' quarrel song, Sanaich would always give Tsunecoran the middle finger, but on recording day, he gave a thumbs-down instead.

Maraich's final reminder that he is pregnant: there are 2 definite places during the play where Maraich would exhibit morning sickness, and he would sometimes do it a 3rd time during the ending song. But he didn't do so on recording day.

Bancoran holding Maraich in both arms: in the couple's final showdown with Andresen, Bancoran would use his body to shield Maraich from Andresen's knife. Maraich would always hold on tightly to Bancoran with both arms, and Bancoran would have one arm on Maraich and another on the handrail. On both Tokyo and Osaka finale, Bancoran let go of the handrail and held Maraich against his chest with both arms. Recording day was neither of those days so he still had one hand on the handrail.

There are a couple other instances that might be better explained with gifs so I might as well save them for later posts. But then I also drew this for your reference: 

That's pretty much all I have to say about the play for now. Please remember to pre-order the DVD! I will update on online streams if they become available (hopefully on DMM). If you have other questions, feel free to message me here or on https://curiouscat.me/vvlin91

[thedepthsremember]

20 Questions: Choices fanfic writers edition 

Tagged in this by @breaumonts! Thanks :D 

1. When/what age did you start writing?   In elementary school, I wrote and drew my own picture books, which at that age I definitely thought was the best thing to do forever. In middle/high school, there was some self-insert Spider-Man and Harry Potter fanfic that I hope stays buried forever. I picked it back up more regularly during an awful period in college where I lost my love of drawing (unfortunate, considering my major) but still needed to express somehow. 2. What inspired you to start? Similar to my art it's been a way to express myself, to tell my side of how I'm seeing things. A lot of the time it's like solving a puzzle, what was that character thinking? And then I just keep chasing that thought. 

It weirds me out that writing feels more like..... excavating. Like it was there and I’m just uncovering it. Drawing doesn’t feel like that at all.  3. Where and when does inspiration usually strike you? I do a lot of driving, so usually then, or if I'm doing something repetitive at work and I can let my mind wander. While I'm getting a massage is a random one but I'm relaxed and my mind can just play without getting in its own way.

4. Where and when do you usually to write? Morning? Late at night? On the bus? In bed? Lately it's been my favorite way to procrastinate sleeping because it's like I'm being productive! Hahaaa

I'll write entire scenes in my head before I write anything down. Sometimes I'll dash down little parts on paper or in my phone to make sure I don't forget. 

5. Do you listen to music while writing? If so what genre/playlist? A lot of chill video game instrumentals are a good default, unless I have a playlist or an artist I know will set the right mood. I'm pop trash so usually that'll fall to the background enough that I can focus. 6. Which category do you like best? Angst? Fluff? NSFW? Other? I would love to wrote more fluff, but it seems to tend towards a lot of angsting and anxiety with some humor thrown in, I guess because that's how I deal with my own thoughts. I do get to give them happy endings, so that's nice! 7. Which category do you find most challenging to write?  Smut is really difficult and awkward for me, partly bc part of the appeal of the actual acts irl are they help me turn my brain chatter off, so it's hard to put that back into descriptions. Plus I'm just self conscious about how personal that is. 

Also anything with an actual plot. I can give you moments and that's about it. 8. If you had to pick your favourite Choices book, which one would it be and why? TRR is the one that sucked me in and stole my soul for whatever reason, BUT I can also admit a lot of that is for what it could be. It's a good thought playground. Like Harry Potter. 

Perfect Match is shaping up to be my jam, I live for sci fi and found families and all that "what is the nature of humanity" nonsense. It's like Dollhouse without being built on a base of creepiness. 

I also really love the ILITW cast, enough that it balances out how much of a wimp i am when it comes to scary things.  9. If your Choices LIs were real, which one (and only one!) would you personally want to be with? I've said before that Damien from Perfect Match is the closest to my irl type, but right now I'm kind of exhausted of that "I'm too cool to like things" sort of dude. Idk let's give older Lucas (ilitw) a shot. He's motivated but has a playful side, we might balance each other out. Especially after he figures himself out more in college. 10. Do you share any physical characteristics with your Choices MCs? Pics/selfies optional :) Riley is small and ready to brawl and I've basically given her an idealized version of my body type when I draw her. Uhhh like half of the others end up being long haired blondes because even though that's not my hair anymore it was like that for most of my life. 11. Which MC do you share the most personality traits with?   Perfect Match MC feels the closest, a lotta the other MCs are leader types, PM MC is like Alright yeah let's kick ass so we can go home and eat ice cream. Feels very purple Hawke. 

TRR MC in her more absurd moments also feels very familiar. I have a story about the fancy hats.  12. Which Choices character do you feel you have the best grasp of in terms of personality? I get Drake bc that fucker is every guy I've befriended who then caught feelings because he's not used to being treated nicely. :| He also has a “the people I care about deserve the things I want more than I do" thing that I am only now realizing feels.... awfully familiar....... :| …...let’s move on. 

13. What’s your favorite Choices pairing to write for? Obviously Maxwell x MC. I love pairs that have a good push and pull, where they can be silly but care about each other.

Sidedish of MC+Drake friendship because my wish fulfillment fantasy is those previously mentioned guys stop ruining a potentially good friendship with their moping and actually be a pal, dammit.  14. What is a pairing/s you hope to start writing for? Like anything else, lmao. More friendship stuff? Hana's only been in one of my fics which bums me out. 

Pretty sure some Damien x MC and Hayden x MC will be coming now that PM2 is happening. Something with more ladies. Eleanor x MC from THOBM! Ghost gf fitting into the modern world has plenty of potential. 15. What do you hope to improve in your writing? Current struggle is I keep trying to write smut and then distracting myself with what happens before/after. Gah. 

More actions / feelings. I feel like too much of my writing comes from dialogue with actions peppered in to meter the rhythm. 

16. Any pet peeves related to writing? So. Words have always been a finicky thing for me. Things will make sense in my head, and then I say them out loud and realize people aren’t seeing things from the same spot. So sharing my writing is A VERY SELF-CONSCIOUS TIME. 

In terms of the actual process: When I just wanna write something self-indulgent and I start actually trying, and then we're like 5 miles off track from the fun part. I also get pretty self-conscious that the OOC police or something is going to come for me. 17. Are you inspired by any IRL experiences when you write? Care to share? A lot of flaws or traumas I'll saddle my characters with are my own but tweaked, because I like the idea that someone can have them and still succeed. 18. Is there any particular piece of work you consider to be your ultimate writing goal? uhhhhh i. don't. know? If I could make someone laugh and cry in the same fic that's golden. 19. Did/do you write for any other fandoms? If so which ones? I have a bunch of drabbles for Dragon Age. I also just checked my ancient FF.net account to make sure the really old stuff is gone and found some Teen Titans and ATLA stuff I completely forgot about. 20. In your spare time (when you’re not writing) what other hobbies do you pursue?   Art mainly, I'm back into digital for the first time since graduation (I majored in animation/illustration) so that's kind of exciting right now. VIDEO GAMES. I like to bake but my housemates have way more self control than I do, meaning I always end up eating most of whatever it is, so that's dangerous. I do like to work out. Share and tag fandom writers! @riseandshinelittleblossom and anyone else who wants to! 

[taibu]

Genyatta - KARAOKE MAYHEM 2.0 (Genyatta Week 2018 - Day 1)

Well! Here we are! Let’s hope I’m doing this right haha! Super long and really badly written, sorry. But my arm was literally falling off near the end so I needed to finish it fast! Enjoy!

WARNING: VERY fluffy. Like. Holy fuck. Obviously gay shit. OOC mostly because I'm still new to the franchise haha. Also headcanons. Loooads of them. Mostly for Zenyatta tho.

Other things to note: Most characters not seen in this fic are either working for the Talon or haven't joined Overwatch yet, or in some cases are just away atm. Mostly because I can't be fucked to add them ALL in the fic, there is like, gazillion of them, Jesus. I'm already pulling my hair with the amount I have uuuugh Iris embrace me...

Oh! Here’s also a Youtube-playlist to all the songs used in this fic! Listen to it for effect! 

OVERWATCH - KARAOKE MAYHEM 2.0

"Seriously?" Genji asked, lowering the paper Hana had just handed him. "Yup!" Tracer chirped, jumping a bit. "I thought it would be fun to do something for the coming New Year and what better way than to revive the good old Karaoke Mayhem!" Genji let out a groan and threw his head back over-dramatically. Zenyatta, gently floating next to him, chuckled warmly as he took the paper handed to him. It was an invitation to the party Tracer had named Karaoke Mayhem back in the good old days of Overwatch. It had been when Genji was in Blackwatch, still young and hateful towards life, vengeful against his brother, lost and lonely. Back then he had stayed in the party just for the free drinks and snack, but as McCree had started singing Cotton Eye Joe he had locked himself in his room to brood. And McCree had been the THIRD to sing. But now things were different. Genji had found piece, he was full of life, and his relationship with his brother was getting better by the day now that Hanzo too worked to Overwatch. He mostly showed negative emotions for humoristic effect. But part of him still begged him to only go for the free food and NOT to sing anything. "It's a completely free-for-all experience!" Lúcio said. "I know there are some who will refuse to sing at all, but the invitation is always open and we have the whole night to use! So if you change your mind about wanting to participate of the stage, just hit me up and I'll find the songs ya need!" "The earlier you make your choice, the better, but no pressure!" Hana giggled. The tree said hasty byes to the two omnics as they still needed to give the invitations to many other members and to plaster the posters reminding everyone of the party in every free space on the walls. "Last time I wasn't able to enjoy any of it, mostly due my own discomfort with myself..." Genji said as he looked at the invitation, printed on bright pink paper, probably designed by D.Va. "What was the other reason then?" Zenyatta asked, folding his own invitation neatly and putting it in his pocket. "McCree's singing." Genji said with a smirk that was hidden by his mask, but Zenyatta laughed warmly which made Genji's heart flutter. "Well hopefully you'll stay long enough for my performance!" the monk said calmly, with a hint of excitement in his voice. "Whoa! You're going to sing, master?" Genji asked, positively surprised. He had known Zenyatta would participate, mostly to spent time with the team, but to actually go on the stage and sing? That made Genji's mind go all wild. He had never heard Zenyatta sing, and they had been spending a LOT of time together since they first met, and more now that they were with Overwatch. They trained together, their rooms were next to each other, they meditated every day for hours, Zenyatta would join the team in the cafeteria despite not needing to eat himself... yet not once had Genji heard his master more than hum occasionally when tending his plants or when cleaning. The thought of Zenyatta's warm and calm voice bursting into a full on song made Genji's legs shake. "Why yes! I am planning to. Just one song though. I'm quite rusty after not doing it for a while, but it will feel good to use my voice for it's original purpose after such a long time..." Zenyatta said, holding his hands together on his chest, clearly exited, despite his voice being so calm. "It's original purpose?" Genji asked. Zenyatta had mentioned that he was originally made into a worker for a restaurant, thus his calm and collected composure and lean and sleek build. He, and his late brother, had been replaced with the newer models soon tho and were abandoned, thus giving them all their time to experience tranquility. But where would Zenyatta need a good voice for if he was just a waiter? As if he was reading Genji's thoughts, Zenyatta answered: "Serving wasn't the only job I had in the good old joint... I also had to provide our guests with entertainment on occasion." "So you used to sing to them?" Genji asked, sitting in a lotus-position on the ground in front of his master to show that he was interested enough to sit and wait for the omnic to finish the story. Zenyatta floated slowly down until his body touched the ground. "Indeed. There was a stage in the restaurant where me and my brother often gave our best performances to our visitors. Many found it quite enjoyable. I had few admirers too!" Zenyatta let out a chuckle. "A young girl with short blonde hair once even asked for my autograph! I didn't have a name back then, so I just gave her a serial-number." Genji laughed, it seemed he wasn't the only fan his master had. "Did you enjoy it? Performing, that is?" he asked. Zenyatta let out what could have been seen as a happy sigh if he was a human. "Yes. Very much. Part of me misses it..." "Though not everyone found it that amazing. Some just didn't like omnics, but many also said that we were just build to spout songs out of our systems. That is not true though. Just like with humans, you need more than a good voice to sing! You also need to understand rhythm, leveling your voice, pitch... It takes some time to learn. Luckily I had all the time to learn in the kitchen while washing the dishes for the evening. My then boss heard me, and actually complimented me! Next week he pulled me off my own duty to cover for a singer who's voice-box had overheated suddenly. After that, I sang every once in a while to our guests." Zenyatta let out another sigh. "I... kinda miss those days." He lifted his hands in his lap, staring at them. "The late nights of me alone in the kitchen cleaning and singing to myself. My somber and dramatic performances. The "Happy Birthdays" I would sing to the children. The performances I would pull off with my dear Brother to make our guests laugh... I wish you could have heard him, Genji. Mondatta's voice was truly something else. If his speeches gathered crowds, his singing would have brought the world together in an instant!" Genji wanted to take Zenyatta's hand in his own. The omnic very rarely spoke of his late brother, especially like this. Last time the conversation had turned to Zenyatta overheating and hiccuping, only to excuse himself and lock himself in his room. Genji didn't know if Omnics could cry, but he was sure that was what Zenyatta had been doing for the following hours. Loosing Mondatta had been a huge blow to him. And Genji understood him perfectly. When his mother and father had died he had felt the same. Instead Genji decided to hold his hand on his master's shoulder instead. "I'm sure I would have enjoyed his performance greatly." he assured his master. Zenyatta lifted his head a bit, and even if he was physically unable to, Genji was sure the omnic was smiling to him. "What about you, my student? Will I find you on the stage as well?" he asked then, clearly ready to not think about his only family-member he had lost so painfully. Genji was taken back by the question. "Ah, I don't know... I've been in karaokes before, in my youth, but Hanzo said I sound like a dying whale when I sing..." Zenyatta laughed warmly. "That would be spirit-lifting!" "I suppose. And embarrassing." Genji sighed, rubbing the back of his neck. "But... If I got few laughs out of people, it would be worth it!" Genji meant to say "few laughs out of YOU" but changed it last second, not wanting to seem too forward to his master. "I'm glad you think of everyone else before yourself, Genji!" Zenyatta chimed. "It only proves your progress. I'm proud of you, Sparrow" Genji felt butterflies in his stomach as he heard those words. Zenyatta had told him he was proud of Genji before, but every time was more magical than the last. Genji was glad he had his visor on, otherwise Zenyatta would have seen the deep red shade his face took on these words. He simply bowed a bit and muttered a hasty "thank you master". --- Rest of the day Genji walked around base and thought about his master. His sensual voice bending into rhythm of the music and finding the perfect pitch for every word. But no matter how hard he tried he could not imagine it. He had to hear it. And he would, in few days. But the wait felt abysmal... "Yo! Genji!" Cyborg turned to see Lúcio skate to him, carrying something that seemed like musical equipment. "Yo!" Genji said waving his hand. They would have done a high-five but Lúcio's hands were too full for that. "You seem busy with the preparations." ninja said as he started walking alongside his friend. "Yup! I've been keeping track of everyone's music-requests, putting up lights, preparing the back-drops... Now I'm little worried we won't get everything done before the big day!" Lúcio huffed. "If there is anything I can do, please ask!" Genji said. He needed something to do anyway, he might as well help his friend in need. Genji found that working with Lúcio, Lena and Hana was more play than work. Everything was a race with Hana, Lúcio would spew out jokes and give them appropriate music to work for and Lena just had that halo of happiness that shone wherever she went. Genji let out a content sigh. He was happy for friends like these. He felt bad for acting the way he did in the past, and would work his way to be better person for everyone! But he would not be this way without his master... At one point Genji saw his master talking with Lúcio. He thought about going and saying hi, but saw that their matter seemed personal, and concerted on his work, or at least tried to. Twenty minutes later Lúcio returned to the others, reading trough the notes he had taken when talking to Zenyatta. "Your master sure knows what he wants from his show!" Lúcio said, flipping the book close and stuffing it in his pocket. "I hope he isn't too demanding?" Genji said, laying down a box filled with old microphones. "Not at all! I actually prefer people who know exactly what they want and need. It helps preparations a big time!" the ebony man said, smiling. The four then started testing the mics. They needed multiple, some for people who wanted to sing together, some in case some would break during the mayhem itself. They got seven working mics and threw the rest in Lúcio's room for spare-parts. "So what about you, ninja-boy?" Lúcio asked once they were walking back to the stage. "Are ya gonna sing?" Genji chuckled. "I've never had such a good voice... Ask Hanzo." "Dude, he's your brother! Of course he would think you sound like a stuffed elephant! Maybe you're just little... rusty." Lúcio snickered, gently elbowing Genji's arm. Genji let out a wholehearted laugh. Just few years before, he would have strangled Lúcio for making fun of his looks, but Genji was okay with his new body now. He knew Lúcio didn't mean to make him feel uncomfortable, and if he ever did, he would be sure to apologize in a heartbeat. Zenyatta had told Genji that in order to learn how to truly laugh, you first needed to learn to laugh at yourself. "Maybe so. Want to help me wash it off?" the cyborg asked. "Sure man! And if you're more comfortable with your local songs, just ask and I'll find them for ya!" "Sounds like a plan!" --- Last few days Genji helped his friends to put up the stage, and they got it done just in time. In between preparations, Lúcio would give Genji some voice-training. He helped Genji to find a good pitch for his voice, follow the rhythm and even some sick dance-moves. Hana and Lena were an excellent audience, giving cheers as he did something right, and laughing wholeheartedly when he missed a mark or made a funny noise, most just to make the girls laugh. Lúcio was a great teacher. Patient and filled with optimism. It filled Genji with a feeling he could only describe as friendship. Genji would think of his old "friends" he had in school. Most were jerks that only wanted to hang out with a rich kid. Rest were ass-kissers and air-headed cheerleaders Genji kept around for looks. He had never had this much fun with other people, not even his own brother when they were kids. And it made him feel safe and content. "You're making good progress, bro!" Lúcio chimed happily. "Tho in my opinion you still need some practice to be perfect. Unfortunately we don't have time to perfect your act before the big moment, but I know you'll do great none the less!" "All thanks to you, man!" Genji said, lifting his hand and Lúcio high-fiving him gladly. He then looked behind Genji and chimed a quick hello to someone, running past the cyborg. Genji turned around to see that Zenyatta had entered the room, carrying a box of some kind. He whispered few words to Lúcio, who smiled and nodded, taking the box. Zenyatta waved a quick goodbye to Genji and the girls and left as swiftly as he had entered. "So when you gonna tell 'im, luv?" Tracer asked suddenly. "Hmh?" Genji hummed, barely turning his head. "You know. That you like him?" D.Va added, smirking. "Who?" Genji asked, confused. "Zenyatta!" both girls and Lúcio who had walked to them shouted. "WHAT!?" Genji felt his voice glitch with surprise. "How do you- I mean when- I mean-" "Genji. Buddy. Everyone knows." Lúcio said, holding the box on one hand and landing other on the cyborg's shoulder. "Everyone expect Zenny apparently." Hana giggled. "How... long have you..?" Genji stuttered. "Ever since you almost took a bullet for 'im on a mission." Lena said. "Ever since you gave him, "The look" to him on the dinner on my first week here." Hana said. "Ever since ya put so much effort into your new move just to make 'im proud." Lúcio said. Genji let out some steam from his seams. "Tho-those could all be seen as platonic things, you know!?" "The fact you said "could" kinda sealed the deal, luv." Tracer said, landing her hand on Genji's arm. Genji groaned and slumped on the near by sofa. Lúcio took the box under his desk and joined him and the girls on the sofa soon after. "So. When?" Hana continued where they started. "Never. He's too good for me." Genji said matter of factually. "What!? Luv! You're perfect for 'im!" Lena gasped. "He is calm, collected, sweet, you're loyal, brave and strong! You complete each other!" "Lena's right, dude. Besides, I'm sure he likes you just as much!" Lúcio said. "Really?" Genji asked, trying to keep another puff of steam in, failing. "Well I mean... I can't really read 'im, no face and all that, but he talks about ya a lot!" he answered. "True! Every time I talk to him he says how proud he is of you!" Hana chimed in. "Yup! Even when the conversation has NOTHIN' to do with you!" Lena laughed. Genji let out another puff of steam to hold himself from overheating. Zenyatta... really liked him back? He could scream. Indeed, he might actually just do that! "Who talks about who?" Hanzo's voice chimed in just when Genji was about to let out a glitched scream of excitement. "Zenny about Genji." Hana answered. "Ah, that. Yeah, he does. A lot." Hanzo sighed, rolling his eyes. Even Hanzo confirmed it! Genji no longer felt like screaming, he felt like crying. With happiness. "What, we talkin' 'bout Zenny and Genji-boy?" McCree asked walking in. Where did all of these people keep coming in!? "Yup." Hanzo simply said. McCree laughed hard. "It is a surprise ya'll aren't all over each other yet! He totally has a thing for you, partner!" Now Genji didn't know what to feel. Happiness, embarrassment, annoyance, glee... It all manifested with a steady stream of steam that finally escaped his vents and a deep sigh. "So... not planning on telling him?" Lúcio asked, landing his hand on the cooling shoulder of the cyborg. "I don't know anymore... I just... want him to be happy. I want to make him laugh. I want to... make sure he lives every day of his life in bliss..." Genji sighed. Thinking about Zenyatta and his warm voice, his cute laugh and sweet embrace made Genji momentary forget where he was, but luckily for him, he was surrounded by friends and family who were happy for him. "By the dragons, you ARE in love!" Hanzo exhaled with clear surprise in his voice, but soon smiled and put his little brother in a arm-lock. "And here I thought I'd never see the day you settle down!" Hanzo laughed, ruffling his brother's hair gently. Genji was surprised of his brother's sudden showing of love, but took it gladly. "I think you should tell 'im, luv. I'm sure he would like it a lot." Tracer giggled, glad to see the two brothers so close all of the sudden. "I know. But... I'm not sure how yet..." Genji said as Hanzo finally let him go. "You could do it in the Karaoke Mayhem! With a help of a song!" Hana nearly squeaked. "Oh God no!" Hanzo yelled, over-dramatically. "Zenyatta's audio receptors will burst!" "Hey man! Genji's gotten better with his voice by the day! He may not be perfect, but at least Zen won't need to be repaired right after!" Lúcio chimed in, putting his hands around Genji's shoulders proud of his work. "Still, I think a song would be bit... over-dramatic..." Hanzo said more seriously. "No it would not! It would be romantic!" Hana giggled, stars in her eyes. "I would love if someone I liked sang to me!" "You're a romantic tho." McCree said. "Zenyatta is more... down to earth. I'm sure just stating yer feelings will be enough to 'im!" "You blokes are boring!" Lena scoffed. "But Genji, it's your call. Sing to him or don't, that's your choice to make, luv." Genji thought about it a long while. Finally he laughed a bit. "I'll tell him of my feelings, but not with a song. I... want to think about this trough with more time. I want it to be perfect. For now, I only want to make him laugh and enjoy himself." cyborg finally said. He looked at Lúcio with a smirk under his visor. "I know what song I'm going to sing at the party. Will you help me with the backdrops?" "Ya don't even need to ask, my dude." Lúcio said, smiling widely. --- The evening begun with a low techno-tones booming from the speakers as people started gathering in one by one. Lúcio visited each, welcoming them and asking one last additions to their performances, possible song-changes etc. Tracer flashed around making sure everyone had enough drinks and snacks, and D.Va paced around both exited and nervous of her performances. She had taken two songs, one at the very beginning, one near the end. Genji's turn was around the middle, just before Hanzo, and the two brothers, sharing table with McCree, tried to guess each other's songs. Genji was glad none of their guesses were right. When it came time to guess McCree's song, both brothers simply looked at each other knowingly. McCree laughed and tried to convince them that Cotton Eye Joe was not his choice for the first song this time, and although Hanzo let out a sigh of relief, Genji knew Jesse better than that. When Zenyatta arrived, Genji waved to him and invited him to sit with them. Zenyatta complied happily floating in the chair next to Genji. "It's good to see you in such good spirits tonight my student." the omnic said happily, talking bit louder than usual to make his voice audible over the rumble of the techno. "I can't help it! We've made such an effort for this to be as perfect as we can, the least we can do is to enjoy it ourselves!" Genji laughed, and was delighted to hear Zenyatta join him. "I suppose you're right. Although I must confess I feel bit jealous of you friends who got to spend so much time with you during these few days." the omnic then said. Genji felt flustered. Zenyatta was... jealous? For him? He then realized that during the last three days he had been spending less and less time with his master, in helping his friends and the singing lessons from Lúcio. He barely had time for their daily meditation. "I'm sorry I've left you alone like that, master. I never realized our time together meant so much to you..." Genji said, leaning closer that Hanzo and McCree, engaged in a heated debate over which was better; sake or beer, would not hear them. "Don't apologize, my sparrow." Omnic said, clearly smiling despite the lack of mouth. "It has been a bliss to watch you interact with your friends. I'm glad that you share your friendship with other people as well and not just you old boring master." Genji blushed. He wanted to tell his master that he would always have time for the omnic, that spending time with him was such a bliss he would never trade it to anything else, that his master was the only one he let see his most hidden things of his personality... but he took a silent breath and simply replied: "You are far from boring, or old, master. You're ten years YOUNGER than me." Zenyatta laughed again, but before he could answer, they were interrupted by Lúcio stepping on the stage with a mic. "Thank you all so much for comin' to the Karaoke Mayhem 2.0!" he chimed, followed by a wave of applause. "The list of the performances is on the wall over there" he pointed at the wall near the tables "so feel free to get yourself ready for your own while you wait. For now, let's stop talking and start singing!" Applause again. Before they died off, Lúcio, deepening his voice a bit, mumbled in the mic: "Ladies and gentlemen... It's Mambo N. 5!" Cheers followed as a familiar song started to play off the speakers. Lúcio sang with his great voice, making dance-moves that would have seen impossible for any other person. As the chorus came, they soon noticed he had changed the lyrics a tad bit... "A little bit of Angela in my life A little bit of Mei by my side A little bit of Lena is all I need A little bit of D.Va is what I see A little bit of Zarya in the sun A little bit of Ana all night long A little bit of Fareeha here I am A little bit of you makes me your man" Everyone cheered and laughed, all the girls in the base having a different reactions to their names coming up in the song. Mercy blushed, Mei even harder, Tracer laughed and gave a thumbs-up, Hana, who was recording the performance with her phone simply smiled, Zarya gave a cheeky smile and took a sip of her drink, Ana gave the man a toast, Pharah covered her face embarrassed. There was a huge roar of cheers and applause as Lúcio finished, bowing. Hana was next. Much more braver than before, she jumped on the stage and a jumpy K-pop-song started booming from the speakers. Hana's high-pitched voice started singing in Korea some song Genji had never heard but enjoyed none the less. Next up was Tracer. She flashed on the stage and laughed. Soon the familiar beat of "Wannabe" started playing and everyone cheered again. Lena would flash back and forth in time, singing the whole song by herself, using different pitches for each spice, sometimes Genji would swear he saw more than one Tracer on the stage at once, but cheered for her like everyone else did. Next up was Fareeha who sang her version of Cher's Believe. Her performance was not as jumpy as the three others, but it was a nice change of pace after so many exiting songs. McCree was next, and Genji was little surprised that he was singing Country Road instead of Cotton Eye Joe. But everyone seemed slightly disappointed when he didn't. Not that they said it out loud. Reinhardt was next and he sang an old German ballad, tearing up at the end so much he could hardly breath anymore. Genji could feel the old-timely nostalgia the crusader must have felt when singing and found himself misty eyed as well. He clapped to Reinhardt louder than the others so far. Winston was next, and sang Man on the Moon. Knowing Winston's past with the said space-rock, it gave his song a nice twist of irony. Tracer had her second turn after that, singing MMMBop, now much more calm performance, jumpy and happy yes, but without flashes between time and space. Genji was little shocked to see his name pop up next on the big screen. He got up, embraced the cheers and applause he received, and jumped on the stage, taking the mic from Tracer who winked at him. She must have heard from Lúcio what he was about to sing. He nodded at the ebony man, who turned his music on, and the lights off. When the ambient chimed in, some "woo"-ed a little, recognizing the classic instantly. It wasn't until the electric voice on the background first sang "Domo arigatou, Mr. Roboto" did Hanzo groan so loud it almost drowned the music. Genji smiled under his mask, and started the song. Thankfully the song didn't require amazing voice or perfect pitch, so he went overboard and acted out and dramatically on the stage, making everyone laugh. Except Hanzo who had hidden his face in his hands in shame for his blood-relative. With those cheers and laughs Genji heard his master's voice. The omnic would have dropped from his chair if he wasn't floating. That made Genji so happy he finished the song with as grace he had left, replacing the ending's "I'm Killroy"s with "I'm Genji!"s. Everyone cheered and clapped, Zenyatta even getting on his feel and standing to applause him. Genji was beaming under his visor. He had made his master laugh. His night could not get any better than this... "That was delightful, Genji!" Zenyatta said as Genji sat back on his spot between him and Hanzo, who still was hiding his face. "I didn't think you'd do it, but darn it boy, you did!" McCree chimed in. "I have no brother." Hanzo muttered getting up and making his way to the stage. Hanzo's song was much more serious than his brothers at least. Genji didn't remember the name of the song, but he recognized it as the same their father had often sang while driving, cooking or having a drink with friends. Tho Hanzo sounded much like their father (let alone LOOKED like him), Hanzo's tone was much more serious, somber, sad almost. Genji didn't even notice the tears that made their way down his face until Hanzo finally finished to the sound of loud applause. "At least one of us has some dignity left." he then said, sitting down on his place and taking his drink. Genji laughed a bit, noticing his voice cracking a bit. Hanzo noticed this and watched as his brother took of his visor to clean off the tears. "It's the song father used to sing, wasn't it?" Genji asked, still cleaning his face, Zenyatta handing him a tissue, wherever he pulled it from. Hanzo hummed and nodded. The elder brother smiled just a bit as he wrapped his arm around his younger brother's shoulder. "Didn't mean to make you cry tho." he said, almost as an apology as Mei began Donna Summer's Power of One with her meek and quiet voice. "You didn't. I got dust in my eyes." Genji lied, knowing he would not be believed. Hanzo laughed just a bit, holding his brother closer. Genji smiled back, his face exposed now and putting his mask on the table. With a content sigh he listened to Mei sing, getting braver by the word, soon going so strong and high that she seemed like a completely different person. If he wasn't so fixated on watching Mei's performance, he would have noticed how Zenyatta was looking at him, head bend slightly to the left, shoulders up, as if he was smiling... Angela and Zarya had almost refused to sing, Mercy due being embarrassed, Zarya because she didn't care, but Ana had been able to coax them into singing "I feel like a woman" with her, and all three seemed to enjoy the experience quite a lot, even having a group hug at the end. Maybe it was just because both Ana and Zarya were bit drunk and Mercy was just happy she had sang after all, or maybe the girls had forged a whole new friendship on the stage, Genji was eager to see. Ana's second turn was right after her first, and she embarassed her daughter by Singing Meredith Brook's "I'm a Bitch". Everyone else found it quite fitting however. Lucio would then sing one of his first singles, getting everyone pumped up again. Barely after Lúcio had finished, a familiar sound of bass started blasting off the speakers. Hana was standing on the stage soon, singing one of the most well known songs of her homeland. Gangnam Style. Most of the watchers got up to dance with her while Hana used her chirpy voice to make even Hanzo smile, despite no-one having any idea what she was saying. The beat and Hana's dancing was enough to get them pumped up. Even Genji got up to dance, and pulled Zenyatta to dance with him. The omnic was bit confused at first, but soon danced in perfect sync with his student. All too soon the song was over. When the party people finally calmed down, Genji saw Zenyatta's name pop up on the screen. His heart missed a beat. He had almost forgotten that his master would be singing too! And he had already thought his night would not get any better... Zenyatta's motor whirred louder than usual, and the omnic slowly got up, checking on his robes to make sure they were straight, and levitating his orbs on the table. "Watch over them while I'm on the stage, Genji." he whispered to him, making his way to to Lúcio who was holding the mic for him while everyone else cheered. Genji watched Lúcio whisper one last thing in Zenyatta's audio receptor, the Omnic nodding and taking the mic, slightly bowing. Ebony man bowed back and made his way back behind his desk. Zenyatta turned to face the crowd, seemingly eager to get to singing again. Genji didn't notice how he was at the edge of his seat, holding his breath. Slowly the lights dimmed to almost none at all, the only thing making light was Zenyatta's forehead-lights with their cold blue gleam. Silently the music started, and Genji recognized it soon as Owl City's Fireflies. Every time a little chime ringed in the song, the backdrop showed a colorful flash, adding more and more, until the room was filled with light. As the song kicked up, Zenyatta brought the mic to his face... and sang. "You would not believe your eyes If ten million fireflies Lit up the world as I fell asleep 'Cause they fill the open air And leave teardrops everywhere You'd think me rude but I would just stand and stare" As the omnic's synthetic voice calmly made out the vocals of the song, Genji felt shivers on his back. Master's voice was... like that feeling you get when you see snow for the first time in your life, or when a bird lands on your hand to feed of the bread-scrums you're giving it, or when the first gleam of sun breaks its way trough the clouds after a rainfall. He watched the slow, subtle movements Zenyatta made while singing. Those small moves that were in perfect synch with the rhythm of the song. "I'd like to make myself believe that planet earth turns slowly It's hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep 'Cause everything is never as it seems" The first chorus was sang quietly, almost as a whisper. Whisper Genji wanted to believe was only for him. Just to his ears. "'Cause I'd get a thousand hugs From ten thousand lightning bugs As they tried to teach me how to dance A foxtrot above my head A sock hop beneath my bed A disco ball is just hanging by a thread" The second verse was much more pumping that the first one, Zenyatta moving much more openly, almost like he was dancing to the beat. Genji beamed, watching his master enjoy every step he took, every word he sang, every movement he made in the rhythm of the song... Genji knew that the second chorus was louder, almost booming, knowing it would be the "Wow"-moment of the song. Genji held his breath and waited to see what would happen. He noticed Lúcio bending under the counter and opening the box Zenyatta had given him earlier that day. What came out made more than just Genji gasp in awe. "I'd like to make myself believe That planet Earth turns slowly It's hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep 'Cause everything is never as it seems (when I fall asleep)" From the box, thousands of small balls of light flew out, surrounding Zenyatta like fireflies he was singing of. They circled him like the orbs he had left behind just moments ago. Genji looked up to them fly around the room, and around the audience, gasping with wonder. As one landed on his nose, Genji saw that it indeed WAS a orb, just much, much smaller than the ones resting on the table right now. The light came from the shining symbols carved on them with great care. Genji wondered how long it had taken Zenyatta to make all of them, and where he had gotten the materials. He then noticed Mercy whisper something to Ana. Genji wasn't as good reading lips as Hanzo was, but he thought he saw her say "It took many hours to finish these little buggers. I'm glad they turned out so well!" Genji smiled. Of course. Angela would seem like a person with time, know-how and materials to help Zenyatta make all of these little things. "Leave my door open just a crack (Please take me away from here) 'Cause I feel like such an insomniac (Please take me away from here) Why do I tire of counting sheep? (Please take me away from here) When I'm far too tired to fall asleep (Haha)" The song went back to calm and collected again, Zenyatta now returning back to his more subtle ways of movement, interacting with the "fireflies" around him. All of the echoed lyrics in the background had a woman singing in them, and for a moment Genji though he could recognize the voice... But he brushed it off his mind as Zenyatta turned to face him on the stage. "To ten million fireflies I'm weird 'cause I hate goodbyes I got misty eyes as they said farewell But I'll know where several are If my dreams get real bizarre 'Cause I saved a few and I keep them in a jar" All throughout the verse, Zenyatta was staring straight at Genji, face expressionless, but voice with a slight hint of thousand feelings all mixed into one. Pride, happiness, sadness, glee... Genji was only half listening to the words themselves and just staring at the Omnic with wide eyes and a gentle smile on his face. Zenyatta was singing JUST FOR HIM right now... those words were just for him to hear. Now the things everyone had told him were confirmed to be true. Zenyatta did have feelings for him. Genji felt his heart burst with joy as Zenyatta turned back to the other audience to finish the last chorus. "I'd like to make myself believe That planet Earth turns slowly It's hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep 'Cause everything is never as it seems (when I fall asleep) I'd like to make myself believe That planet Earth turns slowly It's hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep 'Cause everything is never as it seems (when I fall asleep) I'd like to make myself believe That planet Earth turns slowly It's hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep Because my dreams are bursting at the seams" As the last words disappeared into the night, Genji found himself standing and applauding as hard as he could, alongside everyone else on the base, cheering and whistling to the most amazing performance they had seen in a while. Even Zarya smiled and gave few genuine claps and a toast to the Omnic. Zenyatta simply bowed and thanked everyone on the mic before handing it to Lúcio. "Master... that was... absolutely amazing!" Genji gasped, taking the omnic's hands in his own without even realizing it first. "Thank you Genji. Your words mean a lot to me." Zenyatta said, sounding bit winded. He quietly squeezed Genji's hand, making the other notice he was indeed holding them, and quietly freed his other, waving it few times, gathering all the wandering orbs and retreating them back to their box. After he was done, he took a deep breath and sat down. Controlling all of those small orbs at once must have taken some wind out of him, Genji though, sitting back to his place. Hanzo smiled warmly at his brother, seeing how he was still holding on to his master's hand. But McCree had disappeared. "Thank ya all for coming tonight! You all made this night amazing!" Lúcio spoke to everyone trough the mic, and everyone cheered. "Now feel free to stay behind and enjoy the great company! But before we wrap the karaoke-portion of this night up, there is still one more song we have to hear for this party to truly be seen as a Overwatch's Karaoke Mayhem!" he continued, smirking. Genji put two and two together; McCree was nowhere to be seen, and there was still one more song to. "Nooooo" he groaned. And just few seconds later, Lúcio jumped off the stage and McCree's voice started residing the well known words of Cotton Eye Joe. The crowd either groaning, laughing or cheering with tears in their eyes. Some were happy to hear Jesse's gravely voice sing the old classic, and some could not believe he actually did it. Genji turned to Hanzo just to see him mouth "We're done!" to Jesse. It happened to be a silent moment in to song and McCree mouthed away from the mic "But baby, I love you!" looking heartbroken. Hanzo simply blushed and looked away. Genji felt a wash of realization over him. How Hanzo and McCree spend most of their time together nowadays, how Hanzo interacted with the cowboy much more different than anyone he knew, how they even spend most time in this party! Genji almost threw himself to Hanzo to hug him and tell him how happy he was for his brother, when Zenyatta tugged his arm. "Can I speak with you in private?" He whispered. Genji's heart skipped a beat. "Sure." he muttered, as they left McCree finish the song and Hanzo to blush. --- "I can't believe I didn't notice before!" Genji gasped as they walked outside the base, the faint ending notes of Cotton Eye Joe on the background. "Notice what?" Zenyatta asked. "Hanzo and Jesse! They've been together this whole time! And I didn't notice until now! Haha!" Genji laughed, grabbing Zenyatta from his waist and twirling them around a bit. Zenyatta yelped, but laughed them as Genji let him down embarased. "Sorry. I'm just so happy for them! Jesse was my best friend back in the Blackwatch days and Hanzo... well, is my brother! And I thought he would never find anyone he would be happy with! And they are perfect for each other!" cyborg said, walking around, not able to keep himself still. "Hanzo is serious, loyal and smart, but bit too grumpy at the times. Jesse is funny, laid back and strong willed, but has a bad habit of forgetting to work before play! They are made for each other!" Zenyatta chuckled. "I'm glad to see you so happy for your brother and friend. It really warms my motor to see you so happy for someone else." "Haha, about time I suppose..." Genji laughed, stopping his pacing to face his master. He took a silent breath. This was it. He didn't care anymore! He would tell his master his feelings, here and now! All he needed was an opening... "So. What did you want to talk with me?" Genji asked, taking Zenyatta's hands in his own again. Zenyatta sighed happily, lowering his face a bit, as to smile. But he lifted his head soon and said: "You're ready Genji." "Ready?" Genji asked. "Ready to face the world as who you are. You are happy, you are one with your new body, you have friends and your relationship with your brother can only get better from here. You're ready now." Zenyatta said, happily. But then he lowered his face again. This time he wasn't smiling. "You... don't need my teachings anymore. I... have no more to teach you. You're... ready." Genji felt his heart sink. THIS was what Zenyatta wanted to tell him? That he was no longer the cyborg's master!? Genji felt his breath shorten, and only then remembered that his mask was still on the table alongside Zenyatta's orbs. "Ma... Master?" Genji began, but Zenyatta lifted his hand gently to stop him. "Just Zenyatta will do from now on, Genji." "Z... Zenyatta? Does this mean... you won't be my teacher anymore?" Genji stuttered. "I'm sorry this affect you so badly, Genji. But that is only bigger reason to let go now..." the omnic sighed. "It's... okay..." Genji said, taking a deep breath. Zenyatta had been more like a friend to him for months already! In bigger picture nothing much would change. Plus! Now they would not have an awkward teacher-student-thing to get over once he would tell about his feelings! This was a good thing! "We... we can still have our daily meditation, can't we?" Genji laughed. His remaining skin scrawled when Zenyatta didn't laugh with him. "I'm afraid not, my friend. I'm... leaving the Overwatch tomorrow." Everything went dark in Genji's mind. He could not process the words he had just heard. On the background he could hear a somber love song, as if to mock him. "... no..." was the only thing Genji could say. "No, master... Zenyatta! You can't go! I- We need you here!" "I'm happy you wish for me to stay, but the world needs me out there, not here." Zenyatta said, his voice clearly somber with sorrow. "I'm a monk, Genji, not a fighter. I wish to return to the road, find more people to help, more students to give my time to. I can't do it here..." All of the sudden Genji's mind went back to the night they had just spent together: Zenyatta saying how he felt jealous to his friends, how Genji had ignored Zenyatta during these last few days, the words of the song when Zenyatta was singing only to him: "I'm weird 'cause I hate goodbyes. I got misty eyes as they said farewell"... Zenyatta had been planning his leaving for a long time already... "No, nonono, Zenyatta, you can't leave now! I... I..." the words got stuck in Genji's throat and were replaced by sobs. Zenyatta seemed like he wanted to take Genji in his arms, but in the last minute backed off. "I'm sorry Genji..." he sighed, walking away slowly. He didn't return to the party, and instead headed for his room, only levitating his orbs back to him. "I'll leave first think tomorrow. I... would like it if you came to say goodbye. But I understand if you feel too angry to." the omnic said, stopping for a second. With a shaky voice he finished: "If I don't see you anymore; I'm proud of you Genji. Goodbye..." Genji fell on his knees as the tears came hard. This was not how this night was supposed to go! He was supposed to make Zenyatta laugh and happy! He was supposed to tell how he loved him! He was supposed to LIKE him! Why was he pulling away!? "Genji?" he heard Lúcio's voice near by and soon felt his arms around him. "Genji! Man, what happened!? Where's Zen?" the ebony man shouted, trying to get Genji to stand up. "You were wrong. All of you were. He doesn't like me... He... He's leaving Overwatch tomorrow!" Genji almost screamed, tears flowing from his eyes. Lúcio let out a gasp, and called Hana and Lena. The two girls, alongside Hanzo, McCree and Angela were soon there. "Brother!" Hanzo shouted, seeing Genji on his knees on the ground. "What happened?" he asked, wrapping his arms around his little brother. Genji sobbed something about Zenyatta leaving, and Hanzo looked up to the others who all turned to each other, not believing their ears. "That... doesn't make sense..." Hana sobbed with tears in her eyes. "Zenny was so happy when talking about Genji! They were supposed to get together and married and---" the rest was choked up by the girl sobbing and crying and muttering something in Korean. Lena hugged her and sobbed herself. "I don't believe any of this!" she sighed sadly. "This is not how it was supposed to go!" "Actually..." Mercy whispered and everyone turned to her. "When Zenyatta and I were working on those orbs, I asked how he felt about you, Genji. He said so many beautiful things about you. In such a voice that could not be mistaken to anything else but undying love!" Angela sighed with tears in her eyes. "But... he also said something that made me worried... He said he was not good enough for you." Genji lifted his head from his brother's shoulder and looked at Mercy with confusion on his face. "He also said he misses the monastery, the road, the buzz of big cities, smiles of the people he has helped... He misses his old life. But he could not see how he could fit his old life and his love into one life. I told him we would find a way together, but he said he already knew the answer... I though when he sang to you and then took you out that he would confess all this to you... I... I'm sorry, I should have talked to him more..." Genji felt like he was more torn between happiness and sadness than ever in his life. More than when he first met his brother after their fateful fight, more than when he first joined Overwatch, more than when he first met Zenyatta... He wanted to go and take Zenyatta in his arms and tell him how much he loved him, leave Overwatch with him and travel back to the monastery... He also wanted to let Zenyatta go, wanted to let him live his own life in piece. He wanted to go to Zenyatta and yell at him for even thinking that he wasn't good enough for him! All of these feelings fought inside him while the others around him sobbed, cried or simply looked sad. Hana was wailing in Lena's arms, Jesse had tipped his hat over his eyes to hide them, Lúcio was pacing back and forth not knowing how to feel, Hanzo was still holding him, eyes hazy with tears, Angela was swallowing back her's. That was when Genji realized that these people cared for him as much as he cared for them, maybe even more! They wished happiness for him, and when it was stolen from him, they cried with him... Genji took a deep breath, wiped his eyes, nodded at his brother, showing he was fine enough to be let go of, got up and looked at his friends. "I know what to do." he said quietly. "But I need your help." "Anything, man!" "Of course luv!" "U-*sniff*-Uh-huh!" "Whatever ya need, partner!" "Tell us what you need Genji!" "Anything, brother." Genji smiled. He spew out simple commands to each. Hana and Mercy to wipe their tears and go get Zenyatta back to the party as soon as they could. Hanzo and McCree to sit him down and make sure he would stay put. Lena and Lúcio to follow him back on the stage and help him out to put up a show just for Zenyatta. --- It was fifteen minutes when Hana and Angela rushed trough the door, dragging confused Zenyatta between them. Hanzo and McCree gave the omnic a cold stare, pushing him down on his seat and sitting on his both sides to make sure he would stay there. Zenyatta looked around confused. Hana and Angela had just broke down his door, Hana, with red eyes and raspy voice, had screamed something in Korea that Zenyatta's translators now processed as "heart-breaker" and "Dumb monk" along many other not so nice words. Angela had just been quiet and asked Zenyatta to come with them once Hana was done screaming at him. Now Hanzo and McCree were giving him cold looks as if he had killed someone. When Zenyatta noticed Genji on the stage, the sorrow he had felt before the girls came bursting in came back to him. Genji was holding the microphone in his hand, and Zenyatta knew what would happen next... part of his was afraid... and part of him wanted to burst into tears with joy. A soft piano started to play on the background when Genji came to the light to everyone to see. Many were surprised and confused to see Genji on the stage. Wasn't the karaoke over already? But when they noticed Zenyatta sitting on the middle of the room, they all gasped softly and nailed their eyes to see what would happen. Even Zarya took a better position to see what these two weird omnics were up to... Genji started to sing, in Japanese, but thanks to his translator Zenyatta understood each word. So far only him and the Shimada-brothers could understand the words sang on to the air, and that was exactly how Genji wanted it to be. "I'll become a happy butterfly, and ride on the glittering wind I'll come to see you soon It's best to forget the unnecessary things There's no more time to be fooling around" Genji had partly chosen this song because it had Butterflies in it, and he knew Zenyatta loved them. "What do you mean, wow wow wow wow wow? I wonder if we'll reach the skies But, wow wow wow wow wow I don't even know what my plans are for tomorrow" On the chorus many recognized the song. "Hey, isn't this from that super old anime?" Hana asked from Lena, whispering over the music. "Yeah, sounds like it. But It's a pretty song, so, I think it'll work!" Tracer answered. "After an endless dream, in this world of nothingness It seems as if our beloved dreams will lose Even with these unreliable wings, covered in images that tend to stay I'm sure we can fly, on my love" The words "on my love" were in english, so everyone could understand exactly what Genji was singing about and a quiet "aaw" washed over the room. Zenyatta was still as a stone, optics watching Genji. "I'll become a merry butterfly, and ride on the earnest wind I'll come to see you where ever you are Ambiguous words are surprisingly handy I'll shout it out, while listening to a hit song What do you mean, wow wow wow wow wow? I wonder if it'll echo through this town But, wow wow wow wow wow There's no use anticipating" The slow tone of the song didn't really give Genji much free will to dance to the beat, not that he wanted to. Most of his concentration was on the words and not to burst into tears in the middle of the song. Not yet. Maybe at the end... "After an endless dream, in this miserable world That's right, maybe not using common sense isn't so bad after all Even with these awkward wings, dyed with images that seem to stay I'm sure we can fly, on my love" Zenyatta was as still as when the song began, but from the slit's of his optics Hanzo and McCree could see something clear, like tears, slowly fall on his face. It was coolant. Many omnics would start "crying" it when their feelings got them overheated. His internal cooling system was swirling hard, and the Omnic seemed to be slightly shaking. "After an endless dream, in this miserable world That's right, maybe not using common sense isn't so bad after all Even with these awkward wings, dyed with images that seem to stay I'm sure we can fly, on my love" Genji let out a gasp as the song was over, dropping the mic down in his hands. He looked at Zenyatta with tears flowing from his eyes. Neither of them moved an inch for what seemed like a minute. Everyone, even Zarya, were on the edge of their seats... Finally, so fast neither Hanzo or Jesse could react, Zenyatta got up and started running. But not away. Towards Genji. The cyborg let out a happy sigh, opened his arms and let the omnic run into them. Everyone started cheering wildly. McCree even took out his gun and shot the cealing few times. Genji held the shaking Omnic in his arms so tightly, as to never let him go. "I'm sorry..." was the only thing coming from Zenyatta's voice-box. Repeating over and over, more sad, more somber than before. "Don't apologize. You're confused. You don't know where you belong, where you should go. Should you stay or leave. You have no reason to apologize..." Genji reassured despite his own voice cracking multiple times. "Genji... I don't deserve you..." "And I don't deserve you." "I don't want to leave... you or any of these amazing people..." "You don't have to..." "But... I miss home... I miss my life..." "We can always visit monastery! And take holidays to travel together!" "You... how can you come up with the answers to all this so easily?" "Because I love you." Genji held Zenyatta's shoulders and his forehead against his own. "I love you Zenyatta. I love your laugh, I love your voice, I love you the way you are. I'll live my life making you happy, protecting you, and if I ever let you go, I would not be able to live!" Zenyatta let out what sounded like a cry. Burrying his face on Genji's shoulder he sobbed. "I'm sorry Genji... I... I thought you didn't... I was so lonely... I'm sorry... I love you. I love you too my Sparrow! I love you so much!" "I'm sorry I left you alone for such a long time. I promise I'll never leave your side again! I promise... I love you..." The two Omnics were the only ones who heard the words they exchanged, only few words slipping trough the team's cheers and roars. Hanzo tried, and failed, to keep tears in, and McCree gave him his hat to hide his eyes with, openly crying himself. Lena, Hana and Angela were hugging, jumping and creaming with joy. Lúcio played some calm love-music on the background, fighting back tears. "Oh my god, just KISS ALREADY!" they heard from the audience. Everyone looked up to Zarya who had shouted it. Zarya looked down on everyone. "What?" she asked, lifting her class. "That's what everyone I waiting for, right?" and took a sip from it. Genji chuckeled, melting when he heard Zenyatta join him. He lifted the Omnic's face straight to his and pressed his lips against the seam on Zenyatta's face. Zenyatta pressed gently against him as the team cheered and clapped for them. Genji swore he could hear his brother wailing with tears of happiness, suddenly muffled by something, most likely Jesse's shoulder. But he didn't turn to look. All he cared for now was Zenyatta. END So yeah. here ya go! Some fluff for you all! God this took whole day to write! And it suuucks and is super cheesy haha! XD If there are typos I don't care lel Before you say that Zenyatta was being mean or out of character, please remember that you only read Genji's point of view here. I didn't do that good of a work to explain how Zen felt about this, but I might write a mini-fic about it if enough people whine about it lol.

[overwatchladieslover]

First Kiss: Moira

When you were first assigned as Moira O’Deorain’s assistant, which was just a cover-up for being a supersized human guinea pig, you had to admit that you were quite scared. Well, scared doesn’t even begin to cover just how utterly terrified you were.

You rarely saw the scientist, she’d often grab a plate from the mess hall, and walk back to her lab, when she actually remembered to eat. She seemed to keep to herself most of the times, or at least, around your friends. Perhaps the upbeat Lùcio, the loud Reinhardt, the ever so overjoyed Lena, maybe they were not to her taste.

When you finally entered the lab, a fearful knot of your guts pulsing in your stomach, you were not so surprised of the cleanliness of it, everything was immaculate. Even the rabbits in their cages looked peaceful. Everything was neat, and orderly, folders stacked on two neat sides, which was quite the welcomed change, as you recalled Angela’s office, a turmoil of mess, papers on every available surface… You coughed, trying to attract the redhead’s attention.

Her head poked from behind a paravent, she stared at you with a slight smirk, and even though you were awfully good at reading people, the scientist was even more skilled in the art of hiding her own emotions.

“Y/N, I suppose?” She asked, walking towards you in her usual lab coat, with a black shirt underneath.

“Yes, Doctor O’Deorain.” You stood in a military posture. She circled around you, like a shark around its prey.

Her eyes were vibrant, azure blue, and blood red, that was a most magnificent combination, one that brought out the detail of her chiselled cheekbones, of her sharp jaw.

You did not see her in the mess hall yesterday, nor had you seen her there on the day of your first official meeting with O’Deorain, so after asking a couple of questions to Athena, you decided to bring some food to your new superior.

And as you felt her gaze upon your skin, you just panicked, and held up her lunch bag in front of you.

She stopped her examination, her eyebrow raised.

“Dare I ask what that is ?”

“I thought you might be hungry, I haven’t seen you in the mess hall in a long time, so I kinda thought that it’d be great to bring you something.” You babbled, under her scrutiny.

After a short moment of silence, contemplative on her behalf, absolutely mortified on yours.

You looked up sheepishly, to find quite a rare sight. Her silence was not contemplative, at all. She was red from holding up her laughter, which finally burst in a glorious chuckle, followed by many others, to your delight as you joined in.

You were definitely not thinking about sharing a bizarre burst of laughter with Moira O’Deorain, of all people, about something as trivial as your awkwardness.

She wiped a tear from the corner of her eye.

“I’m sorry, Doctor O’Deorain…” You scratched the back of your head nervously.

“Call me Moira, after all, we shall spend a lot of time together, and were you to say my title each time you address me, we’d both die of old age before getting any kind of work done.” She grabbed the lunch bag, peeking inside.

You were hoping she’d appreciate your selection, you grabbed what she seemed to like the most.

She hummed appreciatively, fishing out a sandwich, as she detailed what you both had to do for the day.

And to say that your work was exhausting was no exaggeration, Moira was a perfectionist, everything had to be done just the right way, which just so happened to be her way. You learned that she appreciated literature, of any kind. When you asked for more details, she said that she was quite interested in Japanese, French, and Irish literature. You were quite puzzled, how could that woman find the time to read what you guessed were lengthy books, when she was making breakthrough after breakthrough.

At the end of the day, you were beyond tired, it felt as if your soul simply left your mortal coil to seek repose elsewhere.

Moira invited you over to the couch, hidden by the paravent, and you simply rested for a few minutes, before fetching dinner for you and the doctor.

The two of you ate together, while watching TV, some weird talk show about science, you didn’t exactly love it, but Moira occasionally chuckled, and that was enough for you, if your boss was happy, then so were you.

 You both fell into an easy, simple routine. You had breakfast with your friends, while Moira was still asleep, tired after long nights of researching and testing, despite your disapproval. Then, you headed to the lab, three cups of coffee, two cups of tea, and started the machines and the computers.

You two would work till 1PM, before you went back to the mess hall, to grab whatever was available, your shift ended at 7PM, and you would bring dinner to your superior. You’d eat while binge watching whatever stupid talk show Moira was engrossed with at the moment.

It was Halloween. To your delight, you were quite fond of the holiday, you found it funny, carefree, it was a nice moment to have fun with your friends and colleagues. It was also a great opportunity to make friends, watch tons and tons of scary movies while rotting your teeth with candies, to Angela’s utmost despair, who tried giving out apples and other healthy snacks, the only ones really paying attention being Aleksandra and Fareeha. One caring for her waist line, the other for the doctor herself.

The agents took turns cooking. It was a really nice custom, it allowed the agents to have tasty, rich meals, from different countries. The agents often cooked in pairs, with their co-workers or friends. When your name came up, Lena, Reinhardt, Lùcio and Hana were pretty sure that you were going to pick one of them to help you out. But you didn’t.

It was quite hard for you to do. You didn’t want to ruin the comfortable relationship between you and your superior. But still, you felt like this was something that you would both enjoy.

She knew something was up with you the second you stepped into the lab. She twirled her chair around, a cigarette in her hands.

“Yes, dear?” Your poor heart wasn’t exactly ready for the pet names. She walked up to you, she had taken off her usual lab coat and shirt for a coal-black shirt with a red tie which complimented her eyes.

She tucked a stray hair behind your ear, and your felt your skin shiver with the touch of her nails.

Moira stepped into your personal space, her body almost pressed against yours, as she leaned down and whispered into your ear.

“Let’s start cooking now, shall we?” Her voice was low, husky.

Moira was an amazing scientist. She was extremely smart, ingenious and meticulous. When working on chemistry, she was precise, her science was exact, sharp as her scalpel. Or nails.

But cooking with Moira was… an experience. The initially well-spoken, well-behaved scientist was currently screaming in Gaelic at a burning plate, as you were frantically trying to extinguish the fire.

You thought putting some music on was a great idea, but your playlist was over, and Moira listening to the same songs on repeat over and over again might lead to your inevitable doom.

“I’ll take care of it, why don’t you put on some music?” You asked as you unplugged your phone.

She nodded, you felt yourself smile as David Bowie started to sing. You shook your head, that one was extremely predictable. But what was not predictable, was the next song. As soon as Starman was over, some guitar played wildly, as some people started to sing along in Japanese.

You heard more than saw Moira fumbling to her feet, as she had to crouch to pick up the ashes of her latest try.

“Wait, is that Naruto?” You asked. She turned her hear in your direction, you could see in her eyes and the tightness of her lips that she was absolutely mortified.

You decided to help her out. As she turned to change the music, you grabbed her hand, to hold her back, and with the other one, you grabbed the sponge with which you were trying to clean counter, and started singing along.

“We are fighting dreamers~” She looked at you as if you had gone mad, and you decided to really go over the top. If Moira was embarrassed of her own tastes of music, then she’ll go the extra mile to make her feel better about liking it.

“What? I love that song!” Without a second thought, you jumped on the counter. It was at that precise moment that Hana and Lùcio entered, convinced that you were going to pick one of them to be your partner. Then they saw you, dancing on the counter to a Naruto OP like there was no tomorrow, and Moira, covered in flour, ashes and various bits of meat.

Lùcio was ever so good at reading people, and he knew you better than you knew yourself, so he just jumped on the table with you, and started singing along with you, joined by Hana. You looked at Moira’s smiling face, and you grabbed her by the sleeve, and pulled her up with you, so that she could join.

The song finished too soon to your likings, but you were out of breath, your cheeks had turned a quite agreeable shade of red, but most importantly, you were smiling, and so were the rest of your friends, Moira included.

“I can’t believe we just did what we did.” Stated the bedazzled scientist.

“Nor can I, but it was totally worth it, wasn’t it?” You smirked, and you could read the slight surprise in her eyes.

She nodded, and you could almost see the hint of gratefulness on her face.

You went back to cooking, with Lùcio and Hana’s help, which was more than welcome, and avoided several disasters that could’ve potentially destroyed the mess hall.

At first, Moira was feeling uncomfortable, fidgeting with her long, long nails. But Lùcio and Hana had their way with people, by exchanging stories, and asking a few questions about her work, they were able to make her feel better.

Seeing Moira being social, chuckling to Hana’s wisecracks, made you feel a tad giddy. You knew that despite what she might say, she did not exactly excel in social matters. Sure, she was extremely polyvalent, knew how to manipulate people, and was a prodigious doctor, otherwise, she would’ve never been able to get her place in Oasis. She hardly saw anyone but you, and actively avoided the other agents. ‘Cannot afford any distraction’ She said. You felt like chuckling, as you saw her laughing with Lùcio at Hana’s expense.

She did talk to Gabriel, but those occasions were far-in between. You wondered if she missed Talon, perhaps she felt out of place in Overwatch, even though she used to work for the Blackwatch. Your thoughts were interrupted by the insistant beeping of the oven.

You pulled out the cookies, and smelled them.

“Hmm, you’re getting great at this, Moira.” You said without thinking.

You raised your head when you received no answer, no sarcastic quip, no noise of agreement. She looked at you as if she was seeing you for the first time. And then, a smile broke her lips. Not a smirk, not even a grin. A smile, huge enough for her to narrow her eyes slightly, and you couldn’t help but smile back.

You put the tray on the counter, walking over to your superior, and hugging her.

“Happy Halloween!” You could feel her freeze in your arms, and for a moment, you were afraid you had overstepped your boundaries. She raised her own arm, and held you back for just a few seconds, but those moments mattered to you. You heard what pretty much everyone said about her. When you got assigned with Moira, you were scared shitless. They called her a monster, a soulless scientist, willing to sacrifice anything and everything for knowledge.

But you knew that she was just a woman, perhaps she made some mistakes along the way, but that did not mean that she was a blood-thirsty madwoman.

That was until you had seen her fight.

The base got attacked. You didn’t know how, but it did. You were peacefully sleeping in your quarters when the alarms came to life. You did not possess any kind of power, you were not an exceedingly good shot, but you knew how to shoot a gun, and figured that some of your friends might require some help.

You hastily put on some basic combat armour over your old army uniform, grabbed your gun, a box of ammo, and you dashed for the labs.

The lab you shared with Moira was empty, so you ran for Mei-Ling’s door, afraid that harm might have come to the sweet Chinese girl.

You burst through the door, only to find a few bodies. Completely frozen. Mei appeared from behind one of the victims.

“Oh, hey Y/N! Nice to see you!” She waved, as if she had not murdered in cold blood half a dozen of men that could’ve crushed her.

“Mei, are you okay?” You asked, worried.

“Of course! Why wouldn’t I be?” She smiled, and at that moment, you were quite certain that no one is the great organisation that is Overwatch, was sane.

The deafening sound of an explosion echoed over your heads, some rubble falling from the ceiling.

“Shit, they’ve taken the fight to the courtyards, they’ll be on us soon.” You snarled, gun still in hand.

“They must’ve pierced our defences. Never thought I’d say this, but I hope Jamison made it out alive.” You both ran for the exit, bracing yourselves against the door, trying to catch your breath.

You counted your bullets, 12 rounds. You wished you had a rifle, but there wasn’t much to do.

Behind you, you heard the walls caving in. You looked at your friend.

“Mei, listen, they could really use your help to defend the ramparts.” She knew what you meant.

“That’s a death sentence!” She grabbed your hand, you didn’t dare to look at her. Before you were assigned to Moira, you used to work with Mei, you used to be a great team.

“If we lose any more ground, that’s a death sentence for the rest of us!” You yelled. You never yelled at Mei-Ling. She didn’t say anything, her eyes just filled with tears. She still had your hand in hers. She opened your palm, placing a weirdly shaped pen.

“When it will be too much, when you think you are done for, stab this into your arms, and press the button, okay?” She looked up, and you could see her trying her best not to cry.

“I will. Now, go!” You urged her on her way, so she could not see the tears forming in your eyes. You were no soldier, but you were ready to die like one.

 You slid the pen in a little cavity on your bracer, before knocking the door open. There were many Talon soldiers in the courtyard, you freezed as they turned toward you.

You grit your teeth, raising your weapon, and shooting. Suddenly, you were extremely grateful for the times you agreed to accompany Hana on her shooting lessons with Morrison.

One down, the second barely had the time to raise his gun, his head already had a clean hole through.

You ran for cover, the sound of guns shooting was simply ear-splitting, you whimpered, feeling something warm dripping against your temple. You didn’t have to check to know that it was blood. You jumped over your cover, shooting straight for the head, but they were too many. You couldn’t take all of them down. You didn’t feel the bullets piercing your skin and your organs, but you felt the shock, you fell to your knees, weakly grabbing at Mei’s present. You put the needle against your skin, and pushed the button. Suddenly, the pain was gone, the taste of blood was all you could feel. Metallic, warm, and kind of cold at the same time, it was thick.

You rolled on the ground, you wanted to look at the sky, if it was the last thing you were to see.

Instead, your eyes were stuck on your enemies, they were laughing at your demise, at your failure, at your death. You were smart, you knew you just wouldn’t make it. One was coming, his step heavy, his gun raised to your head.

A blur of colour knocked him down. Sharp nails made quick work of him, his throat ripped open. The other soldiers raised their weapons to shoot at the intruder, at this… creature. But an orb, oozing deep purple came their way, and you witnessed horror. Their eyes started bleeding, they fell to the ground, coughing up blood, screaming in agony.

A sniper fell from his secluded spot, and aimed at the monster. A strange filament of the same colour of the orb erupted from its opened palm and the man shook, as his cries filled the now quiet courtyard.

Reaper appeared behind the monster. He pointed over at you, the monster turned around. It was Moira. Bloodied, covered in gore, but it was Moira O’Deorain. At that exact moment, you understood why they called her a harpy, a monster. And you also understood why she always wore gloves. Her nails were straight out of a horror movie, covered in blood and ripped skin.

She ran towards you, wiped the blood from her face with her sleeve, which only smudged some more blood.

“Y/N, hold on!” She held your hand, and when you looked into her eyes, she wasn’t such a monster, but nor was she just a woman.

In her eyes welled tears unshed, and upon your lips, words unsaid.

“Reyes, hold them back I’m taking her to our lab!” She carried you in her very own arms, and damn, she was strong.

She dropped you on the cold, cold table, the one you cleaned of blood so many times you had lost count, and you thought that this time, you wouldn’t have to clean it up.

You still had something to tell her. You had seen her monstrosity, her flaws.

There were so many things you could’ve focused on. The ceiling tiles were uneven, you thought that Satya will be less than pleased, or the regular drops of blood hitting the floor, in a melodious ‘flic-floc’. You could’ve also focused on the lights flashing in front of you, of the burst of angelic blonde hair, assisting a frantic, demonical redhead.

Yet, all you could focus on was Moira. Her face, her eyes, her hands, the way they worked, ticked, how deft they were, how soft they felt, despite the rough surfaces running across her palm. Her eyes, oh, how marvellous were they, when they were overcome with emotion.

You thought about those eyes, drowned in tears and sorrow, when the pain of today becomes the grief of tomorrow, when her hands will shake as they will take your name off the door, a final reminder of your tragic ending.

All you wanted to do was call for her, tell her how you felt, how delightful she was, how much you enjoyed her company, even if it was just her complaining about Angela making her lose her time with her ‘goddamn ethics’, or listening to music in the lab while sharing a ‘god-awful’ bottle of wine Moira bought. You looked it up on the internet, it was worth twice your salary.

Classis Moira. You chuckled fondly at the memory, the weak noise left your lips, attracting the redhead’s attention.

“Stay with me my dear, follow my voice, and you shan’t be lead astray.” She held your hand as Angela cut through your clothes with steel scissors.

“M-Moira…” You half-moaned, half-whimpered.

“I am sorry. I hope that you will find in your heart the strength to forgive me.” Angela grabbed your other hand.

“Y/N, I need you to know that I am not sorry for what is about to happen. You are not dying here, not today.” Her voice was raw with emotion, her jaw clenched impossibly tight.

 The light from the ceiling grew brighter and brighter, until your sordid surroundings faded away from your vision, as you took a sip of eternity.

  You woke up in a clean, small room. You coughed, you were plugged in to different I.Vs. You tried to move your fingers, it was perfect, you wiggled your toes against the soft sheet. You finally opened your eyes. The medbay. The aroma of cinnamon was Angela’s trademark, and so was the small box of swiss chocolate.

You reached out for the box, when you saw your hand. Red and black. As if your veins were lava, and your skin ebony.

You let out a shriek that could have shattered the windows, as you jumped out of bed. Your legs refused to obey, as you fell to the ground in a symphony of clatter, as your I.V fell to the ground. You unplugged it, carelessly. Angela burst through the door, gun in hand.

“Y/N, are you okay, schätz?” She asked, sympathetically.

You were hyperventilating, sucking in shaky breaths, tears running down your cheeks.

“What have you done to me?” You whispered faintly, your jaw trembling with every breath you took.

“I am sorry, I am so, so sorry, but we had no choice. You would’ve…” Angela didn’t dare to look at you, staring at the ground.

“What have you done to me!?” You screamed, the strength of your own voice surprising you. You could feel your new hand pulsing with a dreadful wave of pure rage, it was as if your heart was now in your hand, beating.

“There was no other way. You would’ve died, you are too young to-”

You interrupted her mid-sentence, shoving her against the door with a brutality and force that was not yours.

She fell to the ground, and in her eyes, you could read fear. Pure, unbridled terror.

Without a thought to spare for the medic, you looked at the window. You jumped through the window, without a single moment of hesitation.

Falling from the second floor should’ve killed you, but you felt the same energy in your hand flowing to your legs, and landed without a scratch. In front of a terrified Lùcio.

“Christ, Y/N, are you okay?” He asked, and you could read concern in his eyes.

He reached for a hug, but you dodged him, with a velocity that you had never had before.

“Who did this to me!?” You knew the answer. You knew of only one person who could do such a thing. Angela would’ve enhanced your capabilities with implants, with tech, and yet, you felt that this was in no way tech. Someone had fucked with your genes, with your body.

And there was only one person on this earth that was capable of such a feat.

“Moira O’Deorain.” You answered, as your friend looked at you with a touch of sadness.

“I’m sorry, if I had been faster, you wouldn’t have had to go there on your own.”

You paid no attention to his words, as you ran for the lab.

 On your way to your- her laboratory, you literally ran into Mei. You made her fly against the corridor’s wall.

“Rein-… Y/N?” You didn’t have enough time to dodge her embrace. She teared up in your arms, visibly shaking.

“This was my fault, all my fault, you never should’ve gone there without me, I should have sent snowball, I shoul-” You stopped her self-loathed rant with a finger to her shaking lips.

“Where is she?” You didn’t even need to tell her name, Mei-Ling knew.

“On the roof, she’s on her smoking break.” Mei pulled back from the hug, scratching her neck, as if she somehow regretted sending you to the rooftops.

You jumped more than climbed the stairs, and what would have been a most strenuous exercise was a simple formality, you felt stronger than you ever did before.

You swung the door open, and found her, leaning on the edge, smoking a cigarette.

She didn’t wear her tie, you had never seen her without one, and her shirt looked dirty, with coffee stains on it.

“Took you long enough, dear.” The pet name made your blood boil, in a few long strides, you grabbed her by the collar, and your wrath turned to something else.

“Look at what you have done to me, Moira. Take a good hard look.” You gestured to your mutilated hand, to its awful colour, to your reddening irises.

“I did what had to be done. I could not just let you die.” She looked at you straight in the eye, not flinching.

“You’re not even sorry?”

“Not remotely. It was either this, or death.” She took a long drag, blowing smoke on your face.

“Why didn’t you let me die?” You asked, feeling tears prickling your eyes. You cursed at yourself, now was certainly not the time to show any kind of weakness.

“You know why.”

“Why would I be asking, if I knew?”

“You…” She marked a pause, you let her go, she braced her forearms on the edge, eyes set on the distance. Her pack of cigarettes was sitting right beside her arm. Her gloves were still torn and covered in blood.

You grabbed one, and lit it up with her lighter. The sight of the said lighter would’ve made you laugh, had you not been devastated over your recent predicament. It had a nice picture of a cat, with its paws stretched towards you. You could almost feel the kitty purr.

“You, you make me happy.” Her accent got thicker, as if a monster like her could feel any kind of emotion.

“Do I, now?” The smoke burned your throat, but the pain was a temporary relief, it ground you, the smoke that left your lips was like the wool that was pulled over your eyes.

This woman drove you insane.

Because for all the hatred she had brought, she had a very simple reason. And that reason, was you. You who listened to her rants about science, you, who had been daring enough to embarrass yourself to make her feel better, to make her have fun.

You, who had gone out of your way to make her feel welcomed, not ostracised anymore.

You, who now looked at her like at a monster.

“You probably think I am a monster, some kind of freak, of mad scientist who needs to be put down. Perhaps I am.” She stated. She stood, in her tall glory, smelling of cold coffee and smoke, with dishevelled hair and bags under her eyes.

“If you are a monster, then, so am I.” Your monstrous hand held hers. You could feel her tense up against your fingers, as you removed her glove. She saved you, after all.

“I will not thank you. I shan’t fall to my knees and let my head rest against your bosom, as nice at it may be.” She chuckled at that, a low, humourless chuckle.

“‘Shan’t’ ? I am a terrible influence.”

“Aren’t you though?” You smiled, for the first time since you woke up. It was not a full out blown smile, it was a pained, bittersweet smile.

Almost as bittersweet as the taste of her lips. She turned to you, to look at you better, perhaps to throw a quip, or to nag you, but you did not give her the time. You grabbed her by her collar, torn and worn, bloodied and dirtied, and put your lips on hers.

And Lord, did she kiss you back. Her hands flew around your waist, pulling you close, you buried your hand in her hair. This was no simple kiss. This was meaningful, it meant forgiveness, understanding.

Your tongues danced against each other, not in rivalry, but in harmony.

You both had to break for some air, but you dared not to part. You rested your forehead against one another, never breaking eye contact.

Lost in her eyes, you had never noticed how truly wonderful they were. They seemed to gaze into your very soul, they were weary, they had seen so much death and destruction, so much pain and grief.

Yet, you found yourself thinking that never in your whole entire existence, you had ever seen such beauty.

The solemn beauty of a flower on an old, broken grave, the twisted exquisiteness of a single drop of blood on an immaculate rose.

Yes, this kiss was meaningful. And as you rested your head against her shoulder, in the warmth of her embrace, you understood that this also meant home. 

[jessemccowbae]

EVERYONE AT OVERWATCH IS HOT. A THESIS.

ALRIGHT KIDDOS SADDLE THE FUCK UP.

We have now officially reached the drunk enough to say shit you ort notta said part of the evening. And we have so many new people showing up, and said to myself, damn self, there are so many pretty people showing up tonight. And then I realized why: it is because LITERALLY EVERYBODY HERE IS ATTRACTIVE

I am not making this up. When objectively removing existing friendships and awkwardness and social niceties and power imbalances and general Reasons It Is A Bad Idea, I would most definitely bang everybody in this building.

So naturally before making suhc a statement I needed to double check the entire roster. And make sure I wasn't leaving somebody out or making someone feel bad. Or anything like that, because even if I didn't want to bang you all I still almost entirely like y'all and don't want to cause no hurt feelings. We're still a family and I still love you okay? But I went down the whole list and. I was right. Literally. Everybody. At Overwatch. Is like 100% bangable. Some over 100%.

For the purposes of this I am leaving Bastion and Orisa off the list. Because Orisa is a youngun and probably doesn't have a grasp on such things yet and Bastion seems to be like... three? Four maybe? Mentally? I mean given that we just had to explain porn I think there maybe issues with the concept of sex, much less consent. But it's definitely not just an omnic thing, as you will see.

So look. We're gonna go straight down the fuckin list and I will Mathematically Prove This To All Of You.

ANA. Alright, this is one of those where like I normally outside of this experiment wouldn't think about it mostly because Fareeha would murder me. But for the sake of makin' the point I will. The Captain was a fuckin' fox in her day and hasn't lost most of it. It's like 80% attitude, she could kill pretty much everyone I have ever met, but even if you base it just on looks she's got it nailed, alright? 10/10 gimme the damn time machine

HANA. I feel like I shouldn't because she is enough younger than me that it's creepy? So I will just say this: if she had been here when I was a 17-year-old recruit I would have basically tripped over my own dick trying to get her to so much as fucking glare at me. Hypercompetence is fuckin hot. */10 but teenage Jesse is like nerf me pls

GENJI. Is a hot dude. I'll just go there, alright? He is. I am also like 90% certain that some of those mechanical parts have functions that weren't in the instruction manual if you know what I'm saying, and I have watched his ass train, you would not believe the fuckin flexibility. Like if you like dudes even a little and you wouldn't fuck Genji you're lying. 11/10

HANZO. Go on and fucking laugh. Get it out of your system, I'll wait here. Okay, you done? Cause this motherfucker is carved out of fucking marble. Like I think if I punched him in the stomach I'd break my hand? And my hand is metal. Just fucking. Chiseled out of granite or some shit. Top to bottom. His face is the same too, he looks like some kinda Renaissance statue or some shit. Like even if I wouldn't bang him, which make no mistake I would, I would still want to touch him a lot to just see how he's fucking real. 13/10

JAMIE. Okay but lemme let you in on a secret. Happy fun laughing sex? Is the best sex. And if this little asshole is half as manic in bed as out you are in for a fuckin' time, alright? Plus he's tall as hell and has long ass fingers and the accent ain't bad either. Solid 8/10, probably a 10 if he could concentrate long enough to put actual effort into seduction? Either way, bring Gatorade

LUCIO. I mean, have you met this dude? He is probably the most gentle and caring and tender jackass you ever met in a bed. Will just dote the fuck all over you until you're a crying mess because you know no human can ever be that good back to him and he doesn't even care, he's just glad you're here, and then he wants to snuggle after. I mean sure, he's hot, but that's fuckin' secondary at this point. 11/10 also probably has the best sex playlist on the planet

MEI. If you have never seen Mei outside of her winter gear. Do yourself a favor. If it ever looks like she is about to take her coat off. Make sure you do not have any food or drink in your mouth. Because the first time I saw her in a t-shirt I basically snorted soda up my nose. She is a sweet and kind and wonderful darlin', make no mistake! But more prurient to the current subject her body does not even make sense. I'm shocked Winston ain't made a project of her yet because that many curves in that small a space has got to violate some laws of physics. Just... so much... EVERYTHING. All at once. Twenty pounds of bodacious in a ten pound sack. Here for it. 13/10 thighs would make excellent earmuffs

ANGIE. Okay. Look. You know all those American movies where there's this like shallow useless prop of a Gorgeous European Woman who's flirty and sexy and statuesque and golden? Now imagine they're also friggin crazy insane brilliant and like the kindest most loving person you ever met in your life and can also cook. Why do the rest of us even exist. Fuck me sideways. 11/10

FAREEHA. She is smarter than me, cooler than me, tougher than me, more educated than me, and can and has beaten me up. If you're into ladies and muscles this is your second best bet on base. And she's good at fucking everything? Which, again, I'm into, you should be too. 10/10 wear your pads

REINHARDT. Look. I'm just gonna come right out and say what we're all thinking. He's like 6'6" at least and about a yard wide at the shoulders. Even if he's just proportionally average he's still probably hung like an elephant. And hey, still got the bod after all these years, it's impressive. 11/10 I am a tall dude I've never been held up against a wall and it sounds fun

ROADHOG. You know what? Hog is a super fuckin sweet dude. I was not expecting that. But like, I got a big soft warm hug earlier just because I was drunk and sad.  And we ain't even super good friends yet. So honestly this probably goes the same way as Lucio, basically. Plus he's got big hands so hey. 10/10 why the hell not

JACK. I mean, fuck, look at him. Fuckin blond-haired blue-eyed pristine midwestern beefcake asshole. Got a fuckin' statue. You'd do him just to say you did it. 10/10

SATYA. Look, I'm normally real good at reading people and the whole aloof and mysterious thing is kinda played out? But she's working it. Like, just warm enough on occasion to reel you in a little. I dig it, very controlled, well executed. If you're into someone else taking control it's totally there. Or just insulting you, if that's your thing. And I mean, also gorgeous eyes and legs to the fuckin moon but did I even need to say that? No, no I didn't. 11/10

TORBJORN. YES I SAID EVERYBODY. Now look. Everyone wants to talk shit because Torb is small which is a fuckin disability actually, and it gives him migraines and shit and it makes everything hard and it sucks for such a good dude. But I have two points here. One: he is an engineer. I have seen him work. The level of manual dexterity is fucking astrounding. Two: He has like eighty-leven fucking kids, so he is CLEARLY doing something right. 10/10 get you some old man

LENA. Is a doll, alright? Everybody knows that. But everything I said before about happy fun sex applies here. Like yes, super cute, got it, but she's just like. Fun and happy just to be around. Lena makes everything a good fuckin time and if anything should be a good time it's fuckin', right? 11/10 maybe 12 if she brings British chocolate

WINSTON. Yeah I know. I said everybody. But like, here's the thing. There's the obvious Not A Human issues. That's weird. And weird in a way it isn't with omnics because he's a thing we normally don't view as equal but he's special and separate. So I am not gonna say this in a like, of me way.

But here's the thing. Winston is just. Good. Better than any of us, seriously. And he's the reason we all ended up back here. The reason I ended up back here when I damn well don't deserve to be. I walked away from the best thing that ever happened to me like a fuckin' idiot because I was scared and you all just. Let me back in. Like I didn't stab every damn one of you in the back when y'all needed me most.

I deserved what I had. Being alone and scratching out a meal and on the run. All I was doing was reaping what I'd sown myself and now... this. Now I'm home again and you all just act like I didn't...

And Winston gave me this. What I didn't deserve the first time around and sure as hell didn't deserve a second chance at. I owe him everything. I owe him my damn life. Winston is good and kind and amazing and wonderful and I want him to be happy and have whatever he wants, and if that includes getting laid then by God I hope he finds it.

10/10.

Anyway.

ZARYA. Holy hot damn. Like, I understand submissiveness in bed and whatnot, I may not entirely feel it but I get it. But I've never quite gotten the like, actual physical roughness thing? Until now? Because I'm pretty sure I want her to punch me. Honestly I'm suprised Lena can hold a conversation with her without choking. 11/10

ZENYATTA. Yeah yeah y'all were waiting for this weren't you. And this was gonna be a pretty standard "lol vibrating robot parts" joke but a little while ago I was snifflin' into this shot glass and he put one of those happy orbs on me? And just... guys everything is so good. I love y'all a bunch and we're all here together, an' we're doin' good an' makin the world better and it's so good. An' it don't even feel fake-good like getting drunk and forgetting your problems, which I was failin' to do earlier. Just... like there's so much good stuff already in the world an' I just couldn't see it before. Anyway what I'm sayin' is bangin' Zen might be the path to eternal enlightenment. 11/10 align my chakras baby

AND THAT. Is the thing. Is the post. That I have spent like an hour on now? But everybody here is hot and I'm surprised I can goddamn function.

[empress-otome]

Jack Rabbit (A Dva76 playlist. Link)

“They say I'm too young to love you. You say I'm too dumb to see. They judge me like a picture book. By the colors, like they forgot to read.” --Brooklyn Baby (Lana Del Rey)

Art credits: @phk1205exe and @healthdrlnk

Read more for song explanations...

1. Arigato- Julie Bergan

“Oh, what you trying to protect me from? I'm just 'tryna have some fun.”

This reminds me of D.Va’s crazy, girly, do-whatever-I-want personality. I think Jack would try to tell her to slow down or even baby her a bit at first. He might have to learn that Hana can look out for herself and is not quite the baby he thinks she is.

2. Bubblegum Bitch- Marina and the Diamonds

“Got a figure like a pin-up Got a figure like a doll Don't care if you think I'm dumb I don't care at all.”

This also captures Hana’s I-do-what-I-want personality, but also sings a lot about sugary pink things--a staple in Hana’s life. I think any D.Va ship playlist could use this song, or even “Primadonna” by the same artist. I didn’t put “Primadonna” on this playlist, though, because I didn’t want it to be too D.Va-centric.

3. Brooklyn Baby- Lana Del Rey

This song actually inspired me to make this playlist. I already had some good JackRabbit songs picked out, but this one really made me decide to put them all together!

“They say I'm too young to love you You say I'm too dumb to see They judge me like a picture book By the colors, like they forgot to read.”

First of all, a lot of her fans would think Hana’s too young to love Jack. And yeah, there’s a huge age gap and love like this isn’t common. But I think many of D.Va’s fans “judge her like a picture book” just like the song says. There’s a lot more to D.Va than her fans might think.

“Well, my boyfriend's in the band He plays guitar while I sing Lou Reed I've got feathers in my hair I get down to Beat poetry And my jazz collection's rare I can play most anything.”

This just reminded me of the popular BunnyRibbit (Lucio x D.Va) ship. I imagine that in this song, she’s dating Lucio but secretly has a thing for 76. Although Hana may not “sing Lou Reed,” I’m sure she’s still often on stage doing some kind of performance--video games or theatrical. Then her “jazz collection” being able to “play most anything” made me think of her giant video game collection she has!

“You never liked the way I said it If you don't get it, then forget it So I don't have to fucking explain it.”

I feel like she’d get a lot of nagging from both her fans and the media for dating someone so much older than her. But this line really describes how a primadonna like D.Va would handle that drama. Also, it sounds like a nice nod to people who ship D.Va76. Nobody gets why we like it, but we can’t really explain why we like it.

4. Starlight- TAEYON, Dean

“혼자가 익숙했던 회색 빛의 나의 하루에 사뿐히 다가와선 날 두드린 그 날을 기억해 빛처럼 날 비춰 어둠에서 나를 깨우곤 닫힌 맘의 창을 열어 줬어”

Gotta have that obligatory K-pop song! It’s not any kind of D.Va playlist without it~ This was just a cute love song and one of my favorite k-pop songs, so I just had to add it.

5. Liability- Lorde

“They say, ‘You're a little much for me You're a liability You're a little much for me’ So they pull back, make other plans I understand, I'm a liability.”

Lorde’s newest song! I love this one! It’s about how Lorde often feels like a burden to her friends and family for being a celebrity, and I couldn’t help but think of D.Va. Not only is she a liability to friends who don’t want to be around her paparazzi, but she may feel like a liability to her comrades. She’s very young to be in action, just a year above the minimum age. So some may feel like they need to babysit her on the battlefield, and when she messes up in a fight, people may blame her age or status--even Jack.

“The truth is I am a toy That people enjoy 'Til all of the tricks don't work anymore And then they are bored of me.”

I think every star has felt this way sometime in their life.

6. History Has Its Eyes On You- Cast of Hamilton

“Let me tell you what I wish I’d known When I was young and dreamed of glory You have no control  Who lives, who dies, who tells your story.”

Some words of wisdom from 76 to D.Va. Whether you ship them or not, this is a good song for the two.

7. Rabbit Heart (Raise It Up)- Florence + The Machine

“Here I am a rabbit-hearted girl Frozen in the headlights.”

When Hana first starting serving her country, I’m sure she was scared on her first few missions. Besides, gotta have a bunny song for a D.Va ship playlist!

“This is a gift it comes with a price Who is the lamb and who is the knife.”

Think of D.Va’s MEKA and how that was a pretty neat addition to her life! But it comes with a price of war and death...and seeing all that close up.

“I must become a lion hearted girl Ready for a fight Before I make the final sacrifice.”

Hana looking up to Jack as she finds her courage for battle.

8. Lolita- Lana Del Rey

“I don't care what they say about me, what they say about me Because I know that it's L.O.V.E. You make me happy, you make me happy And I never listen to anyone Let them all say Hey Lolita, hey.”

A lot of people think of the infamous book “Lolita” by Vladmir Nabokov  when they think of age gap romances. Thus, I think D.Va would be nicknamed “lolita” just for dating Jack. But this song has this sort of flippant nature; like, “yeah, call me lolita, I don’t care what they say, I still love you.”

9. MONEY & FAME- NEEDTOBREATHE

“I was sleeping with a loaded gun I was scared of all things I'd done Yeah, I know I'm not the only one.”

Jack looking back on all the fame he had in his glory days, but how it was a double-edge sword. And he knows he’s not the only one, D.Va’s living in the limelight herself and I think these two could sympathize to an extent.

10. Too Old To Fall In Love- The Poor Relations

Pretty self-explanatory. It’s how Jack might feel while falling for D.Va.

11. Girls- The 1975

“17 and a half years old I'm worrying about my brother finding out What’s the fun in doing what you're told?”

This song mentions an age gap romance, although D.Va isn’t quite as young as 17. This line makes me think of Jack worrying a bit about people finding out, but getting more in touch with his wild side and being like, “oh well, where’s the fun in following the rules?”

“They're just girls breaking hearts Eyes bright, uptight, just girls But she can't be what you need if she's 17.”

Jack having doubts both from himself and his peers about dating someone so much younger than him.

“I said ‘Yo, I think I better go, I can't take you You just sit and get stoned with 30 year olds and you think you've made it’ 'Well, shouldn't you be fucking with somebody your age instead of making changes?'”

Hana and Jack bickering a bit. He pointing out that she shouldn’t be around people his age, and her retorting right back that she doesn’t care.

12. Daddy Issues- The Neighborhood

“Go ahead and cry little girl Nobody does it like you do I know how much it matters to you I know that you got daddy issues.”

It’s not a Soldier: 76 ship playlist without a daddy kink song~ But I didn’t want an overly aggressive one that was super explicit--that just wouldn’t seem right. So I went with this one that’s more laid back. And the song still has a sense of love and care for the girl it’s singing about. Although Jack may know D.Va has some daddy problems, he still loves her regardless.