#i NEED to see bôa

[lazyspeedy]

i was very social this past weekend 🧍

[emilbh]

NEW BÔA MUSIC AND THEY’RE COMING TO MY CITY

[urgonnaneedabiggership]

And All The Fears You Hold So Dear

Pairing: Miguel O'Hara (Spiderman: Across The Spiderverse) x Fem!Reader

Warnings: Language. Angst. Unplanned Pregnancy. Mild violence. Also there's like a smidge of nsfw talk there but thought I'd let you know beforehand just in case.

Word count: 4.3K

A/N: Part Three and Final Installment of something that started as a one-shot and somehow escalated into this¿¿

I just want to thank you for all your very kind comments and let you know that I got a couple requests that I'll be working on, so this might not be the last you see of me. Ily <3

also i cried so much writing this now you have to suffer like i did. xo

Right after the tears finally stopped coming, the emotional exhaustion translated into an intense weariness that made you collapse on the sofa. That hour spent out of consciousness was a blissful interlude in the pain that had your chest hurting and leaving you unable to breathe.  You’d once read somewhere that there was something called “phantom limb syndrome” in which people could feel pain in an amputated hand, arm, or leg. When you woke up, you looked out at the now dark sky and thought of giving Miguel a call to tell him about what an awful day you were having until the memories came back like a harrowing tsunami that had you tearing up when you wondered for how long you’d have to keep reminding yourself that he wasn’t there anymore. This time, however, you became angry. And oddly self-assured.

You didn’t need him. You’d given him a choice, and if a sad, pitiful, lonely life was what he wanted, then good riddance. His loss.

You could do this. Jessica’s pregnancy hadn’t stopped her after all. Sure, it would be challenging but there were mothers out there who took care of one or more children and balanced several jobs didn’t they? So what if you moonlighted as a vigilante whose life was on the line every day? What if you’d have to spend the rest of your life protecting him or her from the bunch of fairly dangerous enemies you’d made in the past months?

Or maybe you didn’t have to.

Your eyes wandered off to your suit which you’d mindlessly thrown on the floor the second you’d arrived home, scrutinizing the details and the care that you’d put into creating it. You wondered what it would look like inside a box, hidden in the back of the closet for years, or until your kid stumbled upon it and asked about mommy’s dutifully hidden past.

An obnoxious beeping sound coming from between the cushions snapped you out of your fantasy as you fished your watch. You hadn’t even realized you’d taken it with you and now it was issuing a warning concerning an anomaly with an amazing timing that had decided to pop into your dimension.

Placing a hand on your stomach, you looked out of the window and doubtfully pressed your lips together.

“Shit. Please, let it be a Vulture that’s literally a vulture, please,” you pleaded with whatever deity chose to listen to you as you picked up your suit and rushed to the bathroom, mindlessly throwing the test into the trash can before pulling the mask over your head.

Unfortunately, you didn’t arrive at the location to find a confused scavenging bird flapping around. You weren’t even sure of what you’d been sent to capture. At the scene, several police cars had formed a barricade outside of an empty warehouse and seemed to be lying in wait, aiming at the door with their guns. Good. That meant you could get in there and set things straight with the unwanted visitor before anybody got hurt.

You stealthily made your way from a nearby ledge to the roof, finding your way in through a broken skylight and landing on top of a pile of metallic crates solid enough to hold your weight but making your entrance noisier than you would’ve liked.

Whatever you were looking for, it was nowhere to be seen. The warehouse was in such darkness that, if it wasn’t for the night-vision lenses Miguel had fitted into your mask, you wouldn’t be able to see further than your own nose. They had come in pretty handy, and you couldn’t believe you’d been so opposed to getting them.

“(Y/N) it’s just one small modification, give me one reason not to.”

“Because you’ve already done too much!”

“Oh come on, it will take me what? Twenty minutes?”

“No, I don’t mean it like that. I mean you’ve done too much to my suit, Miguel. First, the emergency parachute, next the spine and nape reinforcements, then you literally said ‘You know what? How about we just redo the whole thing with fireproof fabric?’ and now another modification?”

“He added memory foam insoles too, said you wouldn’t notice, I’m with you on this one” Lyla chimed in.

You pressed your lips together to fight back a satisfied smile while Miguel glared daggers at the AI assistant, who refused to back down.

“She still remembers please and thank you, alright?”

“Lyla, will you please go check if there’s a faulty connection or a leaky pipe somewhere? Thank you.”

After throwing a sickly sweet smile his way, she vanished.

“Alright then,” Miguel continued arguing, “I’m sorry for offering to install state-of-the-art, potentially lifesaving enhancements to your suit. What was I thinking, not wanting my girlfriend to die?”

He lifted his hands in defeat and retreated to the other side of the room, minimizing the digital blueprints of the new glasses.

“And for the record,” He continued, “I didn’t do all the work for your new suit, you designed it, remember? I had no idea of what a ‘basque waistline’ was,”

When he finished talking, he was surprised to hear absolutely nothing coming from your side. Furrowing his eyebrows, he turned to see you still leaning against the metallic table on top of which your suit rested. You were staring at him with a surprised expression that only baffled him further when he noticed the bright blush spreading around your cheeks and down to your neck. Then it dawned on him.

“Oh shit, I’ve never called you that before, have I?”

“No, you haven’t,”

Of course, that small window of vulnerability was all he needed.

“Please let me put the lenses on your suit?”

What he didn’t know was that you can see both ways through a window. When he earnestly pleaded with you to let him install the stupid attachment, his true motives were as clear as if you’d heard them straight from his mouth.

Last time I wasn’t careful enough. I didn’t plan ahead. If something happens to you and I have the slightest notion that I didn’t do absolutely everything in my power to keep you safe…please. Do this for me, would you? For my own, selfish peace of mind?

And he’d been right. Out of the corner of your eye, you saw something dart from behind one container to the next one.

“I see you,” You announced, rolling your shoulders as your Spider-Sense began acting up, “Listen, you’re probably feeling confused right now and if you come out we could…”

You couldn’t even finish the sentence as something heavy and cold tackled you onto the ground. Instinctively, you rolled over just in time for something sharp the size of a harpoon to stab the ground next to your head strong enough to pierce the concrete. Without wasting one more second, you jumped on top of a container to take a better look at whatever the hell that was just to find that same spot completely empty. Whatever it was, it was fast. Wincing at the sharp pain in your shoulder, you reminded yourself you had to be more careful and avoid taking strong hits like that.

However, you couldn’t afford to be distracted right now. And, as if to affirm that thought as quickly as it came, your sense warned you of something coming at you from behind. Before it could take you by surprise again, you swiftly moved out of the way and shot webs twice to try and pin it down so you could at least take a good look at what you were up against.

“What in the…?” You gasped as you stared at what you’d captured. Before you, a 20-foot-long pale yellow scorpion furiously trashed about as it tried to free itself from your webs. Not even five seconds after you spotted it, the critter broke free of its restraints and disappeared behind another container. Well, reasoning and trying to bring him in peacefully wasn’t going to work with this one. For now, you knew that it was going to try and keep attacking you, so the best you could do for now was to keep an eye on him before he could plunge that hideous stinger through your forehead. Especially since the little shit was remarkably fast. What was that thing Miguel always told you to do?

“No, remember. You’ve got to think further, think two steps ahead,”

“You know, Miguel, repeating that a million times isn’t going to suddenly give me the ability to see ten seconds into the future,” you muttered, taking the hand he reached out to help you get up. With a wince, you placed a hand on your shoulder and rolled it until it popped.

“It’s not about seeing into the future, (Y/N), it’s about finding unprotected spots and patterns,”

“How come outside I’m love, gorgeous or mi chiquita preciosa de ojitos bonitos, but the minute we’re in here I’m back to being (Y/N),”

“First of all, that last one never happened, we agreed on it, I was in…a vulnerable…”

“You were drunk, you can say it, I won’t tell,”

He glared at you in a way you knew meant ‘won’t you?’. Hopefully, he’d never find out you’d told Peter every last detail of his drunken silliness as soon as you had the chance.

“Second of all, here you’re just like anybody else. You mean nothing to me and I mean nothing to you because that’s how the attackers are going to see you, as an obstacle to get out of the way. Now focus. I’m going to attack you again,”

While knowing beforehand he was going to come at you gave you some advantage, you managed to block the blow he launched at your head. Before he could try again, you noticed his next attempt at an attack was leaving his legs completely exposed. Then, you did what Jess had taught you to do whenever you faced somebody taller than you: go for the knees. You crouched and, with a classic foot sweep, managed to make him lose his balance just enough for you to hook your legs on either side of his and take him down.

You were so tired you couldn’t even gloat properly, instead settling for smiling to yourself and releasing a short, triumphant, ‘ha!’ with your last breath before crawling over to him and sitting next to his lying body.

“You know, if I’m supposed to think two movements ahead,” You say, a beckoning look in your eyes, “I think it’s safe to predict you’re going tell me that there’s nothing more you can teach me, and then carry me to your quarters to do absolutely unspeakable things to me,”

Honestly, it had been stupid of you to think he would give up that easily. Not even two seconds later, it was your back that was pressed against the floor as his large frame covered you, and his hand held your wrists on top of your head. Then he leaned in, painfully slowly, until he was close enough for you to feel the heat that radiated from his skin, a low chuckle left his throat.

“Chula, you don’t know half of all the things I can teach you. But this isn’t the place for most of them. Let’s get moving.”

Thankfully, you forced your brain to focus on the matter at hand before it could replay the entire memory.

Two steps ahead (Y/N), come on.

That thing always attacked with the stinger first. Then it would probably try to immobilize you with its pincers. Quickly tracing a plan inside your head, you started to roam the dark warehouse looking for the missing critter, your spider-sense as sharp as ever as you looked behind every crate and container only to find nothing. Maybe it had left the building without you noticing? Outside, the police still remained alert and in wait. There was no way it could have left without being seen.

Fine. If you couldn’t find him, then he could come and find you. Making your way to the center of the empty space, you remained perfectly still and waited for your sense to tell you where the beast was coming from. The wait was short-lived as you felt a sharp wave of shivers running down your right arm, your entire body shifting to face that side just in time to shoot enough web to completely wrap the entire stinger and leave enough web for you to jump and throw over a beam, leaving the scorpion hanging upside down while aggressively pinching the air around him with its pincers. Unwilling to take any risks, you covered them as well. You had to stand there and catch your breath for a few seconds before looking over to your watch to report you’d successfully captured the anomaly. Only then you had the chance to see that you had several missing calls from Peter.

“(Y/N)?” Peter asked when the call went in almost immediately, “Where have you been? I tried calling but you didn’t answer,”

“Yeah, sorry for going AWOL. I’ve been…busy. I caught something back here. I just reported it,” Behind you, you could hear the scorpion still struggling to free itself, “It’s an ugly one, Mayday’s going to love it.”

“(Y/N), listen, I think you should come back here. You and Miguel should try to talk…”

“P.B., I love you but I really don’t want to talk about that right now. Okay? How about you come over here and help me drag this feisty little shit back to the HQ so we can send it home? You won’t believe it; it has to weigh at least…”

When you turned around to proudly stare at your prisoner, you were met with nothing but a lone stinger, eerily dangling from the ceiling. Your proud smile faded as quickly as it had arrived. Before you could open your eyes to say anything else, you found yourself trapped between two cold surfaces that painfully squeezed all the air out of your lungs as you let out a painful yell. You desperately grabbed each side of the pincer, trying to pry them open to release yourself to no avail. With your brain already starting to run low on oxygen, your strength began to fade. You heard Peter questioningly say your name from the device still attached to your wrist, but he sounded as if you’d been submerged underwater. And his voice sounded as if it was further, and further away. You were falling into a deep and dark lake, air deprived and without enough strength to swim to the surface. So you let yourself sink further, close your eyes and let darkness engulf you as you keep going down.

You’d wondered once or twice what would come after life. Since there was no way for you to be certain about anything, you decided to believe what sounded the most comforting. You would wake up in a beautiful place, full of light, that smelled like freshly baked cookies all the time because you would be sitting at a kitchen table with all the people that you lost along the way, and it was time for all of you to have cookies with whatever you wanted to drink, maybe you just hung out in silence, or you would discuss all the wisdom that the act of passing away seemed to come with…the point was that in no scenario did heaven smell like antiseptic.

This discrepancy was what made you start slowly blinking as you furrowed your eyebrows, the intense white light surrounding you making your head spin. Eventually, you were able to discern some shadows that slowly morphed into a familiar face.

“Hey, welcome back,” Jessica gently greeted you from a chair in the corner of the room. The hospital room. Like they’d done hours before when you woke up from your nap, a new wave of unpleasant memories came crashing down once more as you tried to sit up with a worried expression.

“Is…are we both okay?” It wasn’t until you tried to ask that you noticed a certain reluctance at saying the word.

“Yes, don’t worry,” Jess immediately assured you. Then why did she look so troubled?

“Why didn’t you say anything?” She asked, rolling her chair closer and grabbing your hand gently, “Honey, of all people you know I would’ve understood,”

“Jess, I’m so scared,” Was all you came up with before shutting your eyes and clamping your lips together to keep the sobs inside, tears already beginning to fall from your cheeks, “This wasn’t supposed to happen, I don’t know how I’m going to handle this, how am I supposed to do this if I can’t even take down a lousy scorpion without getting myself killed?”

With a reassuring smile, the woman tried to hug you as much as her pregnancy allowed her, comfortingly running one hand down your hair and rubbing your back with the other.

“See? You’re great at this already and your kid isn’t even here,” You sobbed against her shoulder, too exhausted to return the embrace.

“What makes you think you won’t be?” She asked, pulling away to give you some space and much-needed room to breathe.

And you knew the exact reason. It came to you so fast and with such clarity that it scared you. But maybe she would understand that too. However, right as you opened your mouth to speak, a soft click coming from the door interrupted you right before it opened, leaving you completely exposed to the thorough, scrutinizing look of the man that hours ago you thought you’d never lay eyes on again.

You turned at Jess, hoping she’d create an excuse for him to leave you alone. You weren’t done talking to her. You desperately wanted her to stay. However, she’d already turned to look at him and left her chair.

“I’ll give you a moment,” She said and, after gently caressing your shoulder one last time, left the room.

And then there were two.

For the life of you, you couldn’t think of one single thing to say, much less anticipate what his next move would be. Yet, your eyes never left his. Your jaw hurt from how hard you had to clench it to keep yourself from bursting into tears again. Fuck, could the hormones be acting up already? Right when you were starting to wonder if, should neither of you say something, you would just stay there in this staring contest until the end of time, Miguel spoke.

“How long have you known?”

“A day. Or so.” You blurted out so quickly that he wasn’t done speaking when you replied. It wasn’t until his eyes left yours and wandered down that you realized you’d been clutching your pale blue gown the entire time. As you slowly let go of it, you realized your hands were shaking.

“And you didn’t say anything?” He asked again, his voice turning one octave higher right in the middle of the question.

“Well, I found out not so long ago, and immediately after I was called here to help so I thought we had bigger problems and this could wait. But then you said we had been a mistake all along so I imagined I was on my own for this one. And I think that pretty much covers it.”

Silently, he took a seat on the chair next to the hospital bed.

“There’s something you’re not telling me,” He replied, not looking at you but at an empty spot on the wall, “Back there, when I realized you were gone something didn’t make sense. You’ve pushed back much harder for less important things and now you just turned around and left? And with this, it makes even less sense. Even out of spite, you would’ve told me before leaving.”

You hated how well he knew you, and how right he was. And how what he said didn’t make you angry, but instead make you confront the harrowing confession you’d left unfinished before he walked in.

“What if you were right?” You asked taking a deep, shaky breath, “I didn’t intend for this to happen, you know? It just did. What we had was manageable because at least it was just between us, no third parties affected, if anything went wrong with the timeline and such we could call it off and that was that. But now there was something tangible real coming out of this and I panicked because what if it messed everything up? What if we’d made a mistake? But I just didn’t want to think about it until you sort of confirmed it,”

You weren’t going to cry. You refused to cry in front of him while having this conversation. You tried to focus on anything else to cope with his seemingly endless silence, anything but his slouching shape next to you. The soft fabric of your sheets, or the faint whirring of the monitor next to you displaying your vitals. Now you focused on your breaths. Long, deep breaths.

“So,” He finally spoke in a hoarse voice you were sure you’d never heard before, and you were so taken aback by it that you turned to look at him before you could stop yourself to find a strange, oddly endearing sight. He was crying. Well, maybe that was a bit of a stretch but there were definitely tears in his eyes and even if he was better at hiding it, you were sure he was struggling to keep them confined there as much as you were. Suddenly self-aware of the change in his voice, he cleared his throat before continuing.

“So, we’re having a baby?”

He sounded so expectant, and yet so afraid of the answer. He was absolutely terrified. You could see it in his eyes. This man, who faced life-risking challenges every day and had seen enough for several lifetimes, had never seemed so frightened. The thought, for some reason, made you laugh as you shuddered when you released a breath you didn’t know you were holding.

“Seems like it,” came the reply in such a croaky voice that it left you no choice but to laugh a little bit more.

This time he laughed too, although you could barely catch a glimpse of his smile before being engulfed in a hug that made you wish you weren’t in such a state so you could pull him as close to you as you really wanted. Instead, you settled for resting your forehead against his shoulder as he pulled away enough to plant several small and warm kisses on your temple.

“I’m sorry,” He whispered, “God, I swear I didn’t mean one single word. Whatever happens next, we’ll deal with it as it comes, I don’t care, right now all I know is none of this would’ve been worth it if it hadn’t brought me here to you,”  

“Hey, don’t get sentimental on me, O’Hara,” you jokingly said, pulling away to be able to look into his eyes, “We’re going to be just fine,”

“I won’t if you keep doing stupid shit like this, (Y/N), ¿qué carajos te pasa? ‘we’re going to be just fine’ Claro, si por tu culpa no me da un infarto primero,“ He scolded you, leaving his seat, “You know you’re benched, right? You’re staying right here, where I can keep an eye on you and make sure you stay out of trouble,”

“What about my dimension? There are plenty of non-interdimensional criminals there desperate to be caught,” You complained.

“Well, I’m afraid the NYPD’s going to have to figure it out for themselves for the next few months. Might even teach them to appreciate you a little more.”

“And if there’s another anomaly?”

“Dios mío, mujer,” He impatiently argued back, “I’ll go then. Or we’ll send somebody else. You’re staying here. Period.”

“Fine,” You huffed, not pleased at all with the order despite knowing you’d been very lucky this time, “But just for three months,”

“Six,” He stubbornly insisted.

“Five, but Peter’s going to be the godfather and you have to tell him.”

A disgruntled sigh echoes throughout the room.

“Fine,”

Taglist: @anywherebuthere @khaleesihavilliard @spookyboogyuniverse @sunshiines-stuff @letharue @withbeautyandrage

[appleofmyii]

and you dont seem the lying kind, a shame that i can read your mind

Now playing: 'duvet'- bôa

Synopsis: after finding Luke is the lighting thief and a traitor, you go to comfort and talk to him only to find him with someone else, leading to Clarisse mending your broken heart

fem!y/n x Luke Castellan, endgame fem!y/n x Clarisse La Rue

Warnings: luke, cheating, kissing, swearing. Lmk if I missed any

A/N: this is my first ever ff so please have constructive criticism only.

Your head spun and your heart felt like it was torn in half.

percy, Annabeth, and grover had just arrived back from their quest and it was revealed who the real lighting thief was, Luke Castellan, your boyfriend. While your head knew that the right thing to do was break up with him immediately, your heart still ached with love for him. 'Maybe if I just have a talk with him I can understand his prospective' you thought to yourself.

You start heading towards his cabin, other campers surrounded in a huge frantic crowd, wondering whats going to happen next. There were thunder clouds forming over the entire camp, and the lake tides were getting heavy, something serious was about to happen, but you didn't care, you didn't care that World War 3 might start, you didn't give a shit about that, all you could care about was finding Luke.

You slowly walked into the Hermes cabin, and you could hear muffled moans in the background. Luke's door was locked shut but you assumed that it was just because he didn't want to see, hear, or look at anybody. You softly knock on the door "go away I'm busy" Luke shouted, followed by a giggle. That giggle didn't sound like them though, it was sweet and girly. You wondered to yourself if you were just hearing things or if something was going on inside of the room, something that shouldn't have been.

"Luke it's me, look I know you may not want to see anyone right now, but we seriously need to talk, can I come in?" You shouted. " oh shit it's y/n" Luke whisper shouted as if their was someone else in the room "hide." You wondered who he was talking to and why they were being told to hide but then, luke opened the door, he was shirtless and only had his boxers on making you I tiny bit flustered, you blushed as you met his eyes "hey. Who were you just talking to?" You said in a soft tone voice making luke nervous, "no one." He said, looking down at his feet, clearly lying. "Well then may I please come in?" You said again in your soft tone and using your doe eyes as a way to persuade him, and while that usually drives him crazy and bends him to your will, today he was just not budging. "No. I'm kind of busy at the moment but I'll catch you at dinner" he said with a nervous smile.

You then saw another person far behind him, peering out of the corner whispering "is she gone? Come back I miss you." Luke looked at you with nervous and guilty eyes. You look at him with tears welling up "who Is that?" You tried to say but your voice broke, you already knew the answer, and you didn't like it. " I said who is that?" You shouted, your sadness quickly turned into anger, a trait you inherited from your godly parent. "Look I can ex-" luke tried to say but you immediately cut him off "You know what luke, down answer. Don't fix your mouth to speak at all. You know I was going to stick by you? I was going to deny everything and defend you even if it ment my friends and reputation gone? Gods, you might have been a lightning thief and a traitor to percy, but I would have never thought you would ever betray me. Go fuck yourself" you spewed out all in one breath, you thought that if you had said it slowly, you would break down, something you didn't want to do Infront of him or the person behind him.

you storm around the camp, unsure of where to go. If you went back to your cabin, your half siblings would want an explanation, something you weren't ready to waste your breath on just yet. You immediately thought of clarisse, your best friend, someone who was always there for you and vice versa. Though she was already pissed at luke for being framed as the lighting thief ,something you didn't believe at all, and you didn't want to fuel her fire, you urged to be held in clarisse's arms, crying your heart out.

You arrive at the ares cabin. Luckily no one else is there but her, you can see her though the window, sharpening her new spear, the spear that you paid double to get a hephaestus kid to make. You make your way through the door and you couldn't hold it in any longer, you burst into tears, clarisse immediately dropped her spear and rushed over to hug you " what's wrong pretty girl?" She said in a worrisome voice. The nickname immediately ran through your head. Pretty girl was the nickname she gave you when you arrived at camp, though back then it was used as an insult. "It's luke....." you managed to say through sobs " he's and traitor and a cheat." "He what" clarisse whisper shouted, her grip tighted for a second and you could practically feel the anger rushing through her vains, "im going to kill that son of a bitch." "No no clarisse don't do or say anything, he's already going through so much..." your voice started to shake as you trailed off. " he did you so wrong and yet your still protecting him, I don't understand you y/n." You spend the rest of the night laying in clarisse's arms

A few weeks has passed since the incident. Word got around about luke cheating on you and now he has been cut our and avoided entirely, including his own half siblings. You've gotten over him, with the help of clarisse. You almost want to thank Luke, if it wasn't for him you wouldn't have been spending this much time with her, or been able to see her in a new light.

calling it a crush was an understatement. You were head over heels, something you hadn't felt for Luke. Butterflies flew in your stomach by just the mention of her name. You excitingly anticipated your next meet up with her. You were completely and utterly down bad. And the feeling was mutual. Clarisse blushed at the sight of you, stealing glances at you and nervously fidgeting whenever you caught them. Now all you had to do was make it official.

You were nervous, not at her response but at others. Would people think its werid how you moved on from luke to clarisse? Would people think it was an odd pairing? What would your half siblings think? Hell- what would ares think? But all your thoughts washed away as soon as you saw her. She was just gorgeous. Suddenly you didn't care about what people thought about you two, not even the gods, if it ment that you got to see that face all the time. " clair..." you said, using your soft voice and doe eyes combo that once drove luke mad. "I want to be yours, and I want you to be mine." Clarisse was very flustered by this, she normally makes the first move and so to have someone else do it for her was a feeling she was not yet used to. You shot her a fearful look seeing as clarisse was hesitant to respond. "Im sorry if that's weird I just thought-" you tried to splur out but you were interrupted by clarisse's Lips meeting yours.

The kiss was surprisingly soft and sweet. You'd imagine what it would been like kissing her before and you always thought it would be rough seeing as she's an ares kid, but you weren't complaining. You kissed her back. Tugging on her curls and pushing your head forward to deepen the kiss, then you suddenly pulled away, "does this mean we're dating now?" You questioned her playfully, laughing at her astonished look from the sudden stop "what do you think?" She said in a annoyed tone. You giggled and continued on with the kiss

⋆ ˚｡ ⋆୨♡୧⋆ ˚｡ ⋆the end ⋆ ˚｡ ⋆୨♡୧⋆ ˚｡

[macaroonff]

This Autumn, - Shin Ryujin

Genre: Roommates x lovers, College +Domestic Au, Autumn feels Pairing: Shin Ryujin x fem! Reader ↪Content warnings: Mentions of a dysfunctional families, slight angst, mentions of homophobia, mention of insecurities Word Count: 7k+ words Suggested Songs: We found Love in October- Girl In Red I wanna be your girlfriend- Girl in Red Bubble gum- Clairo Duvet- Bôa October Passed Me By- Girl in Red Girls-Girl in Red Softly- Clairo You know where this playlist is heading- feel free to recommend more ↪not proofread

Sometimes fall meant that the clarity of summer had ended, and that the dryness wasn't accompanied by sweat, but by the heaviness of hoodies and the bareness of barks. A bore compared to the freedom and excitement that summer offered; a dispirited time when you look back to the last three months. 

Of course autumn wasn't all bad. The colours took on a warmer palette as the trees bore themselves devoid of its warmth: warmth which could be found in campfires and cosy sheets; in people's hugs and weighted blankets; in hot lattes, crunchy leaves and early sunsets.

But when assignments piled up from the start of the season, finding opportunities to revel in such warmth seemed unsuccessful. You hurriedly tried composing yourself from last month's activities: internships, staycations and pool parties, returning from a whirlwind of adrenaline. It was exhausting, and you were burnt out before the semester even started. 

But a student you were; a decent one you tried to be, as you file your assignments, albeit slowly due to sleep deprivation. The first week of autumn went by with professors dumping assignments immediately as you try to ease the pace at which you deal with it. Clearly, autumn had you drained from day one.

Autumn hated you more than you hated it.

Autumn, two weeks in wasn't too bad. You took time to catch up on deadlines, you made plans with friends, went on walks and you got especially close to your new roommate. Her name was Ryujin, a dark haired divinity with prominent features that meshed gently. Someone who never forgot to get you your daily dose of iced latte and her favourite mocha bread from the café opposite your dorm.

It started when she came back from her evening lectures on a Thursday, holding one mug in her hand, a woolly scarf tucked into her shirt. She came in to see you with hands knitted in your hair, frustrated at the work you had, feet bobbing in concentration. 

A small 'hi' was all that you returned when you noticed her presence.

"Another stressful assignment?," she asks, concerned. Her low timbre is soothing and takes you out of your sums for a brief moment, a sigh escaping your chapped lips.

"It’s calculus." You make eye contact for the first time since she entered, a polite smile greeting her, though the frown almost tilted the other way. 

She waved her hands in a light motion acknowledging your concern, the room key in her palm dangling in it to make a soft clack. 

"Understandable, it's a real headache, especially since you're in Mr Lee’s course. Anything I could help you with?"

"I just need a break," you reply dejectedly, hoping to get away from your monotonous, monstrous tasks. 

"Wanna watch a movie?" she asks, a soft grin hiding on her face. She watches your ears perk up and your eyes shine at the suggestion, to which a chuckle remains stuck in her throat.

"Why don't you choose something and I'll join you after I'm done freshening up." she hands you the remote before walking into her room, grabbing her white towel from the laundry rack.

You sit in silence and wallow in contemplation. Choosing a movie, should be easy. 

Would a sappy rom-com distracting you from your lamentable, gapingly non-existent love life suffice? Or did you need another of those poorly directed and filmed action ones, which would, undoubtedly help you fix your sleep schedule. But then again, would Ryujin watch it? What’s a movie she’d like? Slice of life? Coming of age? Horror?

A change in the lighting of the room, and Ryujin’s tap on your shoulder was what eventually brought you out of your dilemma, and you take your vacant stare off of the blank tv screen towards your roommate instead.

The warm lights had blurred everything in the background in a way that it brought Ryujin’s face into focus, a soft glow emanating from her cheeks. Her hair was wet, the towel lazily wrapped around her supple hair, doing a measly job at keeping it from seeping into her t-shirt. Her oversized black t-shirt had patches of darker spots that clinged to her because of it, making you worried she might catch a cold. You rush to hand her a new towel, one that would actually help. 

“Don’t catch a cold, not the best time of the year to fall sick.” you whisper.

She smiles in appreciation and holds your arm, accepting the fabric for you. "You're cold too y/n. It'd probably be best for us to grab some blankets." 

After ten minutes of rummaging through your creaky cabinets and five minutes of popping corn, you were ready to distance yourself from your headaches, with new-found warmth in your newly washed duvets. 

Snug and pressed against the cushions of the sofa, with your head on her shoulder. Snug as she pats your back until the television's whisper no longer has your attention and you find your heavy eyelids closing on their own. 

Snug as you embrace sleep after months of running away from it.

Snug, however, wasn't what you felt when you woke up in the morning, blankets tangled between your legs, and an annoying ache in your ribs, due to the crushing weight of your favourite cushion. 

Snugness was replaced by the bitterness of another new day, and your long forgotten assignments weighed heavier than they did before. 

All of a sudden last night's peace was something you regretted. And you regret having been swayed by someone you considered an acquaintance.

If Shin Ryujin hadn’t offered, you'd never have taken a break. You'd never have given yourself the opportunity to be wasteful with time. You shouldn't have been tempted by the thought of a moment's freedom. 

Freedom that remained a mirage. A mirage that showed you a time of comfort. Comfort that would last one evening until you'd have to revisit everything you ran away from.

What's the point in having comfort if it's given by someone you interact with for three hours a day? What was the point in comfort if it was momentary?

Shin Ryujin was a roommate you'd have for only two more months until her grandparent's apartment was done with renovations.

Shin Ryujin was temporary.

Autumn three weeks in, was no different. Except that your backlog had increased, your sleep schedule got worse and all that you cared about was getting over with your to-do lists. How you had energy to do everything one by one remained a mystery, but you soon realised that it wasn’t energy that drove you to finish work, but the fear of running out of it sooner or later. As if it wasn’t already obvious, you were on the brink of burnout.

Not that you hated burnout. For some reason being burnt out meant that you'd be forced to take time out for mental health sooner or later. You would be forced to slow down like you did last week. 

Sitting down and finally looking back, last week felt like a distant memory so far away from your reality. It was a privilege you gave yourself, and it was so worth it, contrary to what you felt immediately. She was right, the movie did help, the movie did get you back into a safe space from your anxiety; and you never cared to thank her for it. 

You’d do it today. Thanking her. You absolutely had to.

You spent the next ninety minutes planning the best way to return the favour. Essentially, you spent the next ninety minutes going back on all the little things Ryujin did for you. Which led to the realisation that her love language was a careful amalgamation of acts of service, quality time and physical touch. 

“Maybe I’ll just bake mocha bread. I couldn’t go wrong with that,” you contemplate. You weren’t the best baker on earth, however you had enough experience to go ahead with it.

All you needed was milk, eggs, flour, yeast, sugar and coffee. Everything you had at home, really not much could go wrong.

Until it did. There was no way the universe would let you have anything good before your semester tests. Of course it had to sabotage you when you tried to do one thing with actual love behind it.

The microwave oven she brought in with her beeped once before a loud pop stopped you in your tracks. It was overheated, and nothing you did brought the irksome device back to life. No matter how many buttons you pushed vigorously, or hit the back of it tiresomely, the empty  black box on the door showed no sign of the tiny numbers signalling time left.

Time left. You look at the Ikea clock hung on the wall. Ten minutes more for the bread to be baked until completion, and thirty minutes until she’d come back and discover this mess and the damage to her microwave.

And boy does she love that microwave.

Shin Ryujin knew something was wrong when she entered later at night, almost too late for you to be up right now, just a little before midnight, the smell of sweet coffee greeting her. She’d gone to visit the apartment her grandparents had bought for her, a half hour from here. She was so caught up in finalising the layout that she forgot to mention that she’d be late home. What’s worse was that she had got caught in heavy traffic, and her phone lost charge in the middle of dialling you. 

And when she got up here, completely spent from the work, it took very little for her to be consumed by frustration. Not particularly because of you. None of it had to do with you. She knew that the tedious microwave was ancient and that her parents only gave it to her to get rid of it. She also knew that she should’ve told you about it sooner, before it actually became a problem. So no, in no way was this your fault. 

She looked at your head buried under your arm on the dining table with a mitten on one hand and a post-it under your elbow. The post-it didn’t say much, just scribbled and crossed out words that all seemed to resemble different “I’m sorrys" and “microwaves". You had multiple other post-its crumpled nearby and she picked all of them up and carefully opened them one by one. Between the creases, one said, “I’m so sorry for the microwave Ryujin, ik you treasure it because your parents lent it to you. I just wanted to thank you for last week and I thought I’d bake your favourite but -” it stopped there at which point you must’ve crumpled it. 

Ryujin let her sight wander across the baking utensils washed and stacked neatly on the drying rack and a box of half baked, burnt dough nearby. She smiles, both grateful and apologetic, an urge to caress your head settling in. She takes a closer look at you, trying to figure how she could deposit you to your bed. 

She slowly lifts your head up, wiping excess dough from near your frowning mouth, and her eyes wander up, to your slightly fluttering eyelids facing the yellow lights. It was then under the warm lights that she noticed semi-dried tears under your lashes. Another surge of guilt ran through her, thinking of how worried you must’ve been. 

In the cold kitchen, she lifts you off the chair as carefully as she can and gently drags you across the living room. It was when she’d propped you against the headboard that you stir awake.

Through half-lidded eyes, you take in whatever you can. Ryujin was holding on to your hand gasping slightly.

“Ryujin?” you whisper.

“Shit I didn’t mean to wake you up,” she looks at you a little surprised.

“I’m so sorry-” you mumble in desperation.

“Shh," she places a palm over your eyes, "don’t worry about it love. Go to bed, we’ll talk in the morning”

You aren’t convinced but you also realise that now isn’t the best time to talk. Ryujin’s eyebags seemed deeper in the warm light and you knew both of you needed a decent rest. It had been a hectic time for the two of you, and all you needed was sleep.

Ryujin still had the benevolence to pull the blanket over you and stroke your hair until you fell asleep.

It was the second time you fell asleep in her arms.

The following weekend you were on a shopping trip.

At a semi-large Ikea warehouse about forty minutes away from the campus. It was Ryujin's idea to come out here despite you convincing her to find a shop closer, but she insisted.

"Trust me, it'll be fun. We can look at furniture too."

Of course, she needed new furniture. It slowly dawns on you that you have very little time to spend with her in your home. Home.

You don't remember the last time you called your dorm a home. For all that you knew, it was a messy damp space that you couldn't wait to escape from, an absolute nightmare with it's cramped furniture. But it was cosy, something you couldn't deny now.

Maybe because you were with her. All her little habits that grew on you, her impeccable daily routine that had become a source of stability in your life, even her lesser known quirks such as keeping a picture of her two cats at home framed on her desk and kissing the before going to her classes in the morning.

You admired all of it, and it wouldn't have been the same if it were someone else. You never felt like this with your previous room mates. They were just people who lived in their own solitary spaces. But with Ryujin, somehow you were involved in most housework together. You felt involved, and somewhere more loved than in your own home.

Your family wasn't bad, at least on the surface. They never compromised when it came to your education or your standard of living. But somewhere between those lines were impossible expectations they wouldn't hold themselves to either. And you got tired of them easily. They hid toxicity behind "criticism", where criticism only meant negatives beyond your control. Your last year of high school, particularly faced extreme criticism, and you felt your confidence dipping. You managed though. You're not entirely sure how you coped, but with support from school, you managed a scholarship, a meagre one but still enough to get away from your family.

You hadn't seen them in three years.

Ryujin, on the other hand, had a lovely family, and you were, at times jealous of how perfect she seemed; how perfect everything around her seemed.

She seemed to have every aspect of her life in order. Whether it be top of the class majoring in Business, or being captain of the girl's football team, or the fact that she could spare three hours to stay with her paint brushes and that they would come out having the entire beauty of the universe encompassed in them. She could manage being both a homebody, while still being popular in school, she could be assertive when she needed to be without actually disturbing the fragile ego of most in her class.

She surpassed every definition of balance mentioned in the dictionary. She was living it, breathing it. Stability.

You admired her, a lot, but you couldn't stop this ridiculously miniscule base of malevolence in your heart. And every day you were scared it would become worse.

Especially now, when all she wanted was to spend precious time with you, constantly putting effort into your friendship whereas you were held back by bitter thoughts. And you hated yourself for it.

You force back your envy, distracting yourself by browsing through the shelves of cutlery displayed. You notice the absence of Ryujin's presence, and slowly find yourself lost in this maze of a shop. Maybe it was better that she wasn't in this aisle now, or else you wouldn't be able to face her with the guilt of having thought of her so poorly.

You find yourself interested in the array of pretty pink melamine plates stacked in front of you, in the stainless steel spoons with animal handles, and little napkin holders shaped like boats. You pick up different pans, weighing how heavy each is, looking to keep your brain unnecessarily busy. If you spend a second more comparing yourself with Ryujin, you knew you wouldn't be able to think of anything else for the entire day, or week.

You remember what your therapist told you, all the comfort and validation that you needed pouring in through words. You open up your notes, all the affirmations typed out one by one. You repeat them in your mind, with a new goal in sight.

You wouldn't let your insecurity ruin another good relationship. Especially not with Ryujin.

She emerges after some time, holding in her hand, a grey device, and a grin painted on her face. "I think this is the one. It's a cool toaster cum oven sort of thing, and it's cheap," she winks at you.

How was she so decisive? you think again. It had only taken her fifteen minutes. If it were you, you'd have taken forty minutes more.

"I trust your decision," you reply, giving her a soft smile. You notice her eyebrows raise a little. "You sure?," she asks. "You usually don't agree this fast. You have this terrible habit of sitting on decisions for ages." she rambles on.

You take a moment to process this. You knew it was true, and she probably didn't mean malice, but it was not something you'd accept easily.

Ryujin never had to think twice about what she wanted. She knew exactly what she wanted, and she always got it. Whereas every decision you seemed to make bore consequences you didn't want. And often, the times you didn't heavily weight them out was when things backfired. The last time being with the microwave oven.

It was the only way you knew to trust yourself.

So it irks you greatly when Ryujin calls it a "terrible habit". Because for you, it was a habit that gave you security. Certainty wasn't achievable, but you'd try as fucking close as you could get, and Shin Ryujin won't tell you otherwise.

She'd never understand how imperfect you were. She'd never understand the little complexities that hold you back. For the most part, she had life easy. What would she ever understand?

You ignore her comment, instead picking up a ceramic mug from the shelf, thumbing on the floral patterns glazed onto it.

Ryujin barely senses your predicament, instead grabbing onto the mug placed besides the one you hold onto. "These are pretty, it's like a cute matching set. We should get them," she winks.

The rest of the day follows with more furniture in your cart, and mostly unnecessary plushies plaguing your living room. New pillows, potted plants, wardrobe organisers, a work desk and the biggest Djungelskog bear lying near the couch.

It dawns on you the next morning, after waking up to the chaos, that she was shifting out in two weeks.

On the first of October.

All of a sudden she was busy, very busy, and the two of you barely met, with bigger gaps in your schedule. Part of it was because of Ryujin arranging her main furniture in her new house, and part of it was because you were busy with academics, only that it was voluntary this time. It just so happened that you needed a few more credits to retain your scholarship, the only thing weighing your new found freedom. Along with that, you busied yourself so that you didn't have to face Ryujin later at night.

You were scared. Other than the obvious rent that you'd have to pay by yourself, you also avoided other parts of this change that bothered you. Which was spending time with her. You were scared you'd miss her a bit too much.

Sure, you were friends who were only half an hour away, but now that her colourful room started fading into a bleak white, the emptiness of it reminded you of why you hated autumn. The fall orange left you feeling lonely, and like the very leaves that craved pigmentation, you craved more life. Regardless of the minimal time you spent with her in the evenings, she slowly integrated herself into your life in the smaller ways.

Now they weigh too much in your life for you to be able to cope without it. You ended up distancing yourself from her, in a pathetic attempt to cope with the anticipation of absence. Maybe you just needed more friends, the thought crossing your mind a lot more these days. But you had plenty of them at uni, most of who you loved. But none of them were Ryujin.

None of them cared for you as much as she did. None of them taught you how to care for yourself like she did. None of them held you in their arms throughout the night, until you felt rested and loved. Nobody inspired you as much as Ryujin did.

Maybe Ryujin wasn't just a friend, something you were scared to consider in the past few weeks. It was a feeling completely new. Other than a failed situation-ship in high school, you never considered the possibility of a relationship, much less exploring your sexuality.

It was an intimidating prospect that you hadn't considered. Something that initiated urgency more than curiosity. Unlike the diverse spectrum that your feelings for Shin Ryujin belonged to, your thoughts focused on just one. She was important in more ways than platonic, and the distance that was to be would be extremely difficult to cope with. The distance that you had created seemed silly, but at the same time there was nothing you could think to resolve the conflict. You were going against this wall you'd built for yourself, and the facade of distance only grew day by day. So much so that at one point, Ryujin stopped approaching you first.

In a way, you deserved it. For someone who had been so unreceptive to her life as a coping method, this is the least you deserved for being a little jerk. Why would someone pursue any relationship, even platonic if you'd put yourself back into the mega cage you thought you'd escaped from. Something you'd escaped from only temporarily in her presence. Something you're going back to by the next week when she's gone.

You suffer multiple sleepless nights, the mid terms only a catalyst to your loneliness, when all you remember is Ryujin and her quirks.

You do accept another roommate later on, a mutual contact in your friend group, someone who was introduced to you by Ryujin herself. She'd dropped in a small text at 8 in the morning, on the way to class, you'd assumed. All it did was talk about how a common friend, Yeji needed a room to stay.

You accepted it of course, because you didn't have to foot the entire month's bill but also because you thought having someone else would curb your loneliness. And this loneliness was stupid. Ryujin wasn't the only thing you had in your entire life, and she should've been inconsequential, the same way the daylight hours gradually decreased. But it isn't too hard to notice once the sun's gone down.

The new roommate was like a transition from summer to winter, but unlike Ryujin , who helped ease the transition between the seasons, this one only reminded you that it would be cold. She wasn't a bad roommate, no she was perfect, did the laundry on Wednesdays, did the evening dishes at 6 and gave you lots of personal space. She was nice, but not like Ryujin.

You hated how you compared her to Ryujin, how you compared everything to her. "She isn't your entire world," you remind yourself. "Shin Ryujin was only temporary."

You'd decided that your feelings for her were only a means for you to be validated. That was all you'd craved from her, and that was all she'd given you- validation.

On October 15th, you feel relieved. Your mid terms were over with and you had a little bit of free time. Were you going to spend it wisely? Of course not.

You were going to sit in bed all day, scrolling through Youtube, a luxury you'd afford yourself rarely in the last month. You went home early, to a somewhat excitable Yeji. Another rare sight.

"What's up?" you ask her, noticing her vibrant demeanour.

"Nothing much, Ryujin's coming over today."

You're surprised to hear this, and a little disappointed that Ryujin never told you herself. Or maybe there was no reason to, it's not like you kept in touch with her.

"That's cool, are you guys ordering something? Or should I make food for you two?" you offer, realising the amount of free time you had.

"We'll just order pizza," she replies. She hesitates for sometime, as if she has something to say. "Y/n?" she calls out slowly.

"Hmm?" "...you're nothing like what Ryujin described you as."

You still in your spot.

"It's just that you're really kind you know. I thought you'd be more distant, and cold."

"Ryujin said that? About me?"

She nods her head.

Is that really how she saw you? Distant and cold? Sure you were closed off towards the end, but is that really who you were to her? After all the good memories? You weren't sure anymore, insecurity creeping inside you.

It hurt. Was it this easy for people to be unforgiving? But then again, you never apologised, so in a weird way what Yeji relayed sounded justified.

You offer her a stiff smile.

"I'll be in my room then, tell me if you need anything."

Dejected, you go back to your blank room, where even the orange of autumn feels comforting, something you hated previously. You stay inside the entire evening, occasional sounds of muffled laughter behind your walls being all that you focus on for the duration. Every time you heard her laugh loudly from behind the door, you wondered if she ever laughed like that in front of you. Did you ever make her feel happy? The same way she did to you?

You want to go out and say hi, but after what Yeji said, you stop yourself. She must hate you now, there was no other way.

It isn't later at night, after you're sure the laughter was no more, and only when the silence of the room becomes comforting, you step out to see a dim blue light in the darkness of the living room, Yeji working on the dining table. "Y/n, didn't come out to say hi to Ryujin?" she asks, with pity that sounds forced.

"Yeah, no I was just napping," you lie, "did anything fun happen?"

"Mhm, we were discussing Ryujin's blind date tomorrow with a senior from the engineering department. Apparently, he's handsome," she shrugs her shoulder.

"Ryujin likes boys?" you ask without realising.

"Hmm, I'm not sure actually."

A small part of you feels dejected as you get a glass of water, all while contemplating if you should have reached out.

"You like her don't you?" Yeji whispers, looking up from her laptop.

It's the second time you still in your spot. Yeji had brought up something you never thought was prominent.

"Your lights were on, I could tell from your slightly ajar door. You weren't sleeping were you?" she gives you a knowing smile.

"I'm not judging you- it's just that it's obvious that you miss her. It may or not may be romantic- but you do miss her don't you?". You don't know how to reply to her. You barely knew Yeji, but somehow she very accurately read your emotions.

As if she knows what you're thinking, she continues.

"You know, every time that I've tried bringing up Ryujin, you've always changed the conversation, instead isolating yourself in your room."

Looking back, it made sense. You didn't want to think about her anymore. Your meeting with Ryujin's was temporary and never mattered. It was almost crazy how dependent you were on her within just a few months.

" I realised that I don't know much about Ryujin, nor does she about me. Sure I know she loves mocha bread, she loves her big Ikea Djungelskog soft toy, that she's watched the perks of being a wallflower more times than she can count; but I don't think I could be truly vulnerable with her. I'm scared to be vulnerable with her."

Yeji sighs, almost disappointed. She went back to working, despite her twitching lips, like she had more to say.

That night, you reflect for longer. Why was it that you felt scared to lean on Ryujin? Technically you told her about troubles with academics, problems with some of your classmates- that is considered being vulnerable right? Then what was it that you wanted her to know, but you never wanted to admit? Was it your insecurities? Was it the thought she'd never understand it?

It was like your mind had accepted that you and Ryujin had come from two different worlds, and if you invited her into yours, she would run away, like your family. Despite you coming to terms with it, the distance with your family was a wound still fresh. And nothing would change, until you could put it behind you.

25th October, Yeji handed you an invite to one of her friend's Halloween parties.

After your confession, she'd been a little nicer; she was more active in initiating conversations, and you realised she was more extroverted than your first impression. Eventually, you did watch the Maze Runner with her again, and you appreciated how she gushed about Dylan O'Brien throughout it, dispelling any awkward moments.

"I designed this invitation by the way, cool isn't it?", she asks about the party invitation in your hand. It had black bat details engraved in a glossy reflective paper. "Please come, we've had a difficult week, one party won't hurt will it?" she states, the question more rhetorical.

You agree quietly, excitement bubbling in you.

Until it did hurt, a week later.

Barely five minutes after you enter the loud, congested apartment, with strangers in costumes, you felt a part of your heart drop. There was a tight feeling in your chest, something you were sure wasn't because of the new corset you wore. Because you felt comfortable seconds before you saw Ryujin with her hands wrapped around this guys neck, kissing him on the couch as if he were her entire life. At first, you weren't even sure it was her- her hair was shorter, dyed a platinum blonde. She wore a leather jacket and a white skater dress, dressed so differently than what you were used to seeing her in.

You weren't able to comprehend how good she looked in his arms, with all her attention focused on him, smiling. The same smile that you'd missed for a month. When she does look away from the vampire- you assumed was her boyfriend, her eyes scan the crowd and she almost looks bewildered. You were stood so motionless near the entrance from where you could see them, that even the crowd that pushed past you couldn't bring you to move. It was suffocating, and unconsciously you head for the exit, looking to get away.

But fate wouldn't be so kind would it? The universe wouldn't just let you be would it? "Are you leaving already y/n?" Yeji screams from across the room, which you were sure was audible to everyone. She finds her way to you, a smile on her face. "You just came in, why are you leaving? Cool outfit by the way."

"Thanks," you offer her a stiff smile, eyes going back to Ryujin, who because of Yeji, had finally found you.

Yeji, who just noticed the tension, holds your hand and pulls you towards Ryujin.

"Atleast say hi, y/n, it won't hurt."

Yeji's assurance of "it won't hurt" was what brought you here, it was indeed what hurt you. Her saying this now wasn't helping, and you scoff. It was almost like Yeji knew this was going to happen. It was like she knew how much it hurt you, and may even enjoy it.

"Why did you invite me Yeji? You knew about this didn't you? It hurts, I..I shouldn't have come." you spit out, trembling.

"Y/n, there's something you need to know."

"What? that she has a boyfriend?" you spat, annoyed by her deception.

Yeji sighs, holding onto your shoulders, somewhat urgent.

"No, it's something only Ryujin can tell you. Please, just talk to her. This once."

At this point, you couldn't trust anyone, neither Yeji, Ryujin, nor yourself. It was like you were at different crossroads- to run away, or to confront her again. She hadn't even done anything wrong, all she did was kiss a guy. She didn't owe you anything.

You choose to run away, until you notice Ryujin approaching you with her boyfriend. It's like she withheld any decision you make, with her forcing you into a circumstance you would not choose for yourself.

"Y/n?" she asks softly. Her otherwise comforting voice now made you uncomfortable, almost bringing you to tears by how much you missed it.

"It's been so long," she holds your hand gently.

Her hands felt colder than before, and before you could say anything, the tall, matching vampire spoke up.

"Hi y/n, I'm Jason, her boyfriend. I've heard a lot about you." he looks friendly, and he doesn't seem to hold any malice. But you still hated this guy.

"You have?" you ask saltily. "...good things I hope." you couldn't help but say drily, hands fiddling with the witch hat you'd worn.

"A moment please love," Ryujin signs to her boyfriend, who goes towards the bar with Yeji.

Ryujin takes your hand and drags you towards what you assume to be the bedroom, away from the crowd.

You enter the bedroom with her, with your head ringing because of the way she called him love. You remember how she'd called you love the day you'd tried baking, the day you'd fallen asleep in her arms. You thought the word "love" meant nothing, that it was an endearing term with no implications. But if that was the case- why did she address him as love?

Jealousy eventually overrode the confusion, and the hurt that stained you previously had multiplied. You couldn't feel more stressed, it was so much more than any calculus assignment you'd ever come across.

"Are you crying?" she eventually speaks, eyes concerned. You didn't even realise the visible tears falling down your cheek slowly, your mascara ruined in the reflection of the mirror behind her.

"What do you wanna talk about Ryujin?" you huff. "Y/n, do you need time to calm down? I don't think you're in the mood to talk."

"I'm fine. Just get to the point please." you say, barely concentrating on what was going on. She comes in to hug you, but you step back.

She looks upset by this, seemingly as confused as you. "I...I thought we were friends y/n," she whispers in the same tone she'd always used to comfort you. "We weren't this far apart were we? Why do you hate me?" she raises her voice in desperation.

This was an accusation you could not believe she had made, hate was too strong for what you felt for her.

"I don't hate you Ryujin." you speak, resigned. "Then why do you look so upset, why can't you even say hi?" she emphasises, her voice breaking in between.

"Because it hurts... I can't"

You fall against the bed post. Eyes finding the bear plushie you bought her. You slowly realise that this is her bedroom, and that you were in her new house- the apartment you'd never come to before. You were barely able to process all of this when she speaks up again.

"You can't what y/n? You can't accept the fact that you like me?" You look back at her, eyes widened, as though whatever little sanity you had remaining was destroyed like the branches of an autumn tree- fallen, and weak. It was almost humiliating.

"I don't like you Ryujin," you hide behind your words like a coward. "Don't lie to yourself y/n, is it that difficult to accept that you like me?"

You don't know where this was coming from. If she knew you liked her, couldn't she just let you down gently?

"What does it matter? You have a boyfriend. Even if I did like you; no even if I loved you, nothing would change." you say dejectedly. It must have been true, because there was silence that persisted for longer than you wished it would be.

"What if it did change? What if I said I liked you too? Would you believe me?" she asks quietly, reverting back to her calm persona as she takes a big breath. You scoff, noticing how different she had become in a month. The audacity she had to ask you if you believed her, right after making out with her boyfriend in front of everyone in the room disgusted you, something you don't think you'd ever be able to comprehend.

"Why would I believe you? I saw your boyfriend. Besides, if you did like me, you'd be honest with me. I think that's the least I'd expect from you, so don't play with my feelings; because unlike yours, I can say with conviction that mine are real."

You see her expression change, her eyes becoming teary.

She sits beside you, against the wooden footboard. "I can't be honest, because I'm scared. There's so many people watching me- so many people who my family knows. I barely had, or still have any privacy in my life. Do you know why my grandparents left me this apartment? Because they don't trust me." she pauses for a minute. Taking another deep breath, eyes now fixed on to the floor.

You don't know where she's going with this, but don't say anything because this may be the last time you'd get any closure.

"There was a girl I really liked in high school, but we could never be together, because my family refused to let me meet her. They pretend to be liberal in their thoughts- but they're as homophobic as they get. There's no way they'd understand. The only time I felt safe was in our dorm, because there was no one who would snitch on me, nobody who cared. It was utopia- where you were my solace, and I just basked in the temporary peace.

But when my grandparents asked about you, they'd worry I'd gotten too close to you, refusing to believe you could be just a friend. Two months after I shifted in to our dorm, they made preparations to isolate me in this house of theirs."

She couldn't continue, as tears you'd never seen from her before, collected as a tiny stream between the cracks of the tiles on the cold floor. You understood what she meant. In an evening's moment, you realised that she wasn't this perfect being that she always projected. Yes, she was amazing, but she had her own challenges, something you thought she'd never had. Unlike the two different worlds you thought you were in, your access into her world made you realise you were more similar than you could've imagine. All of a sudden you hated your past self for being so mean to her, for harbouring insecurities that in hindsight were not worth the pain.

"Jason, is my neighbourhood friend, and he's the one of the few people I can trust. He's pretending to be my boyfriend, so that if my family ever found out, they wouldn't doubt me." she explains, trying to resolve your distrust.

"I'm so sorry," you whisper, leaning your head against her shoulder, gently holding onto her hand."

The two of you sit their in silence, reflective, though relieved.

She gently kisses your forehead, arms wrapping around your waist.

"I missed you y/n. So much. But I'm also scared to go back to you, to our place. I don't know what we're going to do. I'm sorry too, for the situation I put you in. For the situation I've put both of us in."

You rub her arms gently,

"It's ok, we'll figure it out slowly. I'm sorry too . You were always there for me- and I, like the coward I am was scared of being attached to you, your generous love . I was also so insecure of how perfect you were- but now it's all so inconsequential."

To this Ryujin laughs, and she wipes her tears. "It's funny how both of our insecurities hurt us in the end. I promise, I wont' let it affect us in the future. I won't ever hurt you again y/n. I love you, so much."

"I love you too Ryujin."

You know that it's going to be a long road ahead of the two of you, but you'll be alright. You comb through her hair, leaning in to meet her lips. Her quivering lips are not soft as you expected, but slightly chapped, brushing against yours. She drags a cold finger down your spine, causing you to lose your breath. Her pulling you closer, slipping behind your corset, unzipping it. Your hands are tangled in her short locks, and you pull away in between to breathe.

With the kiss, and this new path, the autumn you hated so had come to an end. Autumn had become easier to think about, among the loneliness of the dry leaves and the warmth devoid in the air, you'd treasure the warmth that she provided. Shin Ryujin, unlike autumn wasn't temporary. Autumn will come and go, but Shin Ryujin would always stay, and you'd treasure her in every season. In the end, autumn didn't hate you as much you did, because despite everything, autumn gifted you Shin Ryujin.

Am I actually posting an autumn fic when its almost summer? Yes, yes I am. This is long overdue and idk why it took me this long to finish it ahhhh.

I appreciate any feedback, feel free to interact with this post!

Thanks for reading <3

-Macaroon

[bryscorner]

i have decided to join the FallFest ! <3

apple picking with jacaerys velaryon— twilight by bôa and leaf pile jumping. did i do this correctly? sending kisses & hugs your way ! ♡

Join FallFest !

Pookie I hope this suffices ! Sorry it took me this long to get to your request, with your song choice it was hard for me to correlate the right vibe ! This honestly isn’t my best writing but regardless I hope you like it nonetheless !

it’s been nothing but a gloomy, boring and soggy wet day. it would’ve been perfect conditions to read at home, snuggled up in your bed or baking some fall treats and watch a movie, but alas…it just had to rain making the leaves all mucky and not as vibrant and crunchy to leaf pile jump into.

the smell of the rain couldn’t get you out of this dire need for some leaves, jace could tell by the way you were looking out towards the foggy and moist skies out the window during one of your mutual classes the both of you shared.

it was agonizing to see the glum face of yours, really. jace tried his best, but he couldn’t understand how a measly pile of leaves could be this much of a downer for you. he asked you during lunch why this was the case, just trying to be on the same page as you, but he couldn’t comprehend, but he also couldn’t just let you mope around like a lost puppy!

after the most tantalizing slow and mundane day of classes jace can tell that on the walk back to your house, it was quite, maybe too quite it seemed. he didn’t want to break the silence if you weren’t in the mood to talk after what happened during lunch, but he couldn’t just stand there!

he found a semi-soggy pile of leaves up the road under a tree, granted you guys were walking next to a park, noting that there wasn’t a ton of people out and about on this rainy afternoon. without as much as uttering a word he stopped you in your tracks, gesturing to hold your hand and dragging you a bit deeper into the park to where the semi-soggy pile of leaves lay.

standing in front of the pile, you two stood there–still holding hands, but from afar it looked like you two were at a sad…funeral…for a pile of leaves. very cliche for the perfect scene in a movie might one add.

‘jace what are we doing here? i said im not in the mood anymore..’

rubbing circles into your hand, he motions his head to look at you, giving a solemn smile and lightly shook your intertwined hands,

‘i know, but I can’t stand you being so withered and down just because the rain stopped you from doing something fun! just thought you might’ve changed your mind by then is all’

looking back at the pile…it wasn’t too drenched…it still had the potential to be crunchy and maybe even cushioned the fall if you were careful enough…

‘but what if i get my clothes all wet if the bottom of the pile is wet?’ looking at jace, he seemed to have that look like he didn’t care.

‘that’s okay, here you can use my rain coat if you get too wet, plus we aren’t far from your house anyways to my understanding! so you won’t have to sit in your soiled clothes for too long’ his eyes gave a hopeful response, glistening with the notion of determination.

jace took off his backpack and handed it to you to hold as he was unzipping his raincoat and handing it to you to take. noticing the smell of rain and his signature cologne that seemed to stick to every piece of clothing he owns.

of course he would offer his coat to you, i mean how more gentleman can he get? before you could even rebuttal, he already took your bag away from you and threw his coat over your shoulders, putting on the hood that was too big for you. he thought you looked very cute with his clothes.

gesturing you to finally have some fun, he found a park bench that wasn’t drenched by the rain and sat there, watching the bags with the upmost care and made sure he had a good view of you messing around.

you stood there still a little unsure, stomping on the pile of leaves that still looked the same as when you first got there.

‘well what are you waiting for! we don’t got all day babe! the rain will be coming back soon!’ jace said as he threw you a thumbs up, ensuring you that it was okay.

You zipped up the coat, before falling backwards into the pile–not so bad! plus the leaves had that bit of sound of crunch that you were desperate for.

popping your head back up, you see jace adorn that ever so knowingly smile. relaxing a bit more into the bench, watching you. you gave him a thumbs up as to say that this was a good pile,

standing back up, you fix the pile again to your desired size and shape before you started to fast walk back to the leaves and pretended to shoulder slam the pile like it was a person–the leaves dispersing into the ground again.

jace noticed the smile on your face as you successfully made another attempt to dive into the leaves, making sure it wasn’t too wet yet. smiling to himself, he was glad that you were in a better mood now, even if the rain had soiled your plans of hopes of a much more crispier pile.

he took out his phone to take pictures of you whilst you were occupied, making sure to capture the perfect moments of you being your most happiest, knowing for sure that he can look back on the fact that you finally were able to go leaf pile jumping like you had initially planned.

[pumpkinsy0]

Can I have tally hcs ??cuz like ur one of the only ppl who thinks abt them the way I do

im actually shocked bc i swear i barely rlly talk about them???BUT ILL TRY TO NOT DISAPPOINT☝🏽☝🏽

•ion think they rlly kiss that much, like im so serious kissing is just not their thing, they probably only rlly do it when their hooking up 😭

• that lyric ”a shame that i can read ur mind” from duvet by bôa is so them i swear it is, but i specifically think tim is more aware of how alike they are, like dallas knows they are alike but tim just understands it

•they do NOT go on dates, like ever, i dont think theyve ever actually went on a date w each other, neither of them see the point, a smoke session in the designated smoking area and a drink at the bar runs these to pathetic rats fuel

•buck was the first person to find out about them ill forever hold onto this idea, they were drinking a lil too much and he thought they were just gonna fight some ppl somewhere else n leave but he saw they went upstairs and was trynna rationalize it

•ill tell u what when either one of them came downstairs putting on their shirt, buck needed a drink his damn self hes so tired of this fuck ass bar

•ik when he started going out w dally, tim stopped laughing w angela about curly going out w pony cause now he had NO place to talk about relationships and thats like one of the first things angela started noticing was a bit off w tim and that was a clue into her finding out about tim and dally LMAOOOO

•i think all the shepards love lives r a bit weird n crazy so they dont rlly meddle in each others affairs, but HOLY shit i think them talking about tims is actually so real cause???what ARE??? u thinking sir????

•i think dally and tim both generally have the same build but tims a bit beefier and dalls a bit taller so their clothes fit a LITTLE weirdly but u wont rlly be able to tell

•UNLESS that is if ur ponyboy curtis cause once pony was just STARING at tim bc he knew somethin was off, and then it clicked that tim was wearing something of dallys and tim just felt so exposed and didnt look at pony at all and tried acting like he aint notice/didnt care

•but let it be known that pony told curly and it just went “is tim wearing dallys ___” “”yea😕””😕”

•BUT BACK ON TRACK, i think they see the marks they leave on each other in fights most likely in bed and they just do NOT apologize at all, just stare and the other just rolls their eyes maybe one of em makes a slick comment

thats all i can think of rn but i swear maybe i can think of more some other time if u want em

[local-crying-boy]

Not me who made a Hadir Karim playlist because I couldn't find any and had to put matters into my own hands..

Playlist link for those who actually want to listen here

Not like it's a very long one or one that might be very connected to Hadir, just songs that make me think of him every time they start playing.

Here are the songs that are on the playlist:

1. waiting Room (Phoebe Bridgers)

“Know it’s for the better” He stole the gas and used it because he wanted Urzikstan to be free. And “Plus, I know whatever happened to me, I know it’s for the better” because let’s be honest he probably knew he was going to die at some point, and he knew that it most likely wasn’t going to be from natural causes, not with the war he grew up in.

2. Fool (Bôa)

“You and I, born as fools now.” I don’t know what it is about this line, but it hits and it makes me think of Hadir. Maybe because he used the gas, making Farah despise him. “You and I think, think we rule now” this mf became Commander at some point, which just ENRAGES Farah, no?

3. O Superman (Laurie Anderson)

Well, does this song need any explaining? I found this song on a Farah playlist (made by one of my favourite Tumblr accounts, hence me making a post about the Hadir playlist). So if this song makes me think of Farah, it immediately makes me think of Hadir.

4. Love and War (Fluerie)

Love and War, says it in the title, no? Plus, “the truth begins to show”? Him using the stolen gas to save Farah and Alex, but only killing the Russian army and some ULF soldiers (if I remember correctly). And don’t even get me started on “lover, hunter, friend and enemy, you will always be every one of these.” UGHHH it's such a good line and I think that it represents Hadir very well, maybe alongside Farah too.

5. In the house - In a Heartbeat (John Murphy)

Do I really need a reason for this song? It's so good and it makes me think of numerous edit ideas (despite the fact that I give up on editing the minute I open Capcut), just the vibe and sound reminds me of Hadir, makes me think of his whole character development, his story, ect:

6.Forest (Twenty One Pilots)

"The situation's becoming dire" The line makes me think of the moment when Hadir calls Alex to help him get the gas, making it be used and everything kicking off and him becoming the enemy. "And for some reason I smell gas on my hands" well, this needs no explanation. "This is not what I had planned" Although I think that Hadir knew that Farah would have gone against him the moment he decided to use the gas, I feel like he wouldn't expect her to basically turn on him so much that it seemed like she didn't love him anymore.

7.Army Dreamers (Kate Bush)

I think everyone can see why I put this song on here, not only because it is such an amazing song, but also because Hadir is obviously a solider. Also, I know the song's meaning is about a mother grieving her son dying because of war. HOWEVER, the song does heavily remind me of PTSD that soldiers suffer from (more so from the music video where all their eyes are wide, which kinda is like Shell Shock/PTSD), and I'm 100% certain that Hadir, like any other character is CoD, would suffer from some type of mental illness, or nightmares, or grief/guilt from being soldiers.

8. I know it's over (The Smiths)

The repeat phrase of 'Oh mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head" just makes me think of how he died and, in my head, I have an image of him just dead and, well, we know his and Farah's parents are dead. I don't know how to explain it exactly, been staring at this paragraph trying to figure out what the hell I'm trying to say. But it just makes me think a lot of him and his mother, because I seriously get vibes from him that he was a mama's boy before she passed.

9. Advice (Alex G)

"The world is full of fishes, but I trust you" really makes me think of him and Farah, because the two of them would have had to relied on each other at a young age after their parents died and when they were building up ULF and during their time in prison. They would have had a lot of trust in one another, which makes sense with the amount of pure betrayal and rage we hear in Farah's voice when she finds out Hadir stole the gas and then used it. The two of them would have had such an almost unbreakable relationship, not only because they are siblings, they trusted one another and they went through so much, they would have HAD to have trusted each other.

10. Poison Tree (Grouper)

This song alone has so much emotion to it, it ALTERS my brain chemistry. I love this song, so it just meant I had to link it to one of my favourite characters. Which, therefore, means it has a place on the playlist.

11. The Hand that feeds (The Crane Wives)

This song screams Farah, but I feel like it could apply to both Hadir and Farah. Afterall, the both of them are doing a tiring job that is going to both mentally and physically drain them. It's dangerous and they know it. "My papa taught me how to growl, how to bear my teeth and growl", although in the scene where we see of kid Farah and Hadir, their father turns to Hadir and says to 'stay strong for Farah', this is probably one of the many reasons why he does so much for her, even if makes her fucking despise Hadir for what he's done.

12. I wait for you (Alex_g_offline)

"I wait for you" I don't know what is it about the repeated line that makes me think so much about Hadir, about his whole character, but for some reason it really does.

13. If we have each other (Alec Benjamin

The song that makes me, really, think of any two characters that are related. "So I'm thankful for my sister, even though sometimes we fight" the line is more so towards the usual sibling type fights that happens throughout with growing up with siblings, which would easily be able to apply to the two of them. However, it also makes me think about the fact that Hadir still loves Farah and calls her sister, even when she hates him. When he was dying, he even said to her that he still loves her even though she hates him now (something along those lines)

14.Where'd all the time go? (Dr. Dog)

"There ain't no way to sweep up the mess that we've made" I know it says 'we' but I think that Hadir regrets what he did, even if he believes that it helps winning against the Russian army, I don't think he likes that fact that Farah hates him over it and he knows that he can't do anything to fix that, to 'sweep up the mess'. There's no fixing that, there was no fixing that broken trust between them after that.

[elliespassagerprincess]

The air is getting crisp fall is coming so a bôa song is definitely needed can you do twilight by them

Twilight - (ellie williams x reader)

hi anon! Your wish is my command! Ugh I wish it was fall where I live, it's literally so fucking hot lmao... I hope you enjoy it <3

this story is based off the song Twilight by Bôa, if you can please listen to the song as you're reading:)

Pairing: ellie x fem!reader

requests are always open, feel free to leave one!

HUGE Warnings: descriptions of violence, murder, death, gore, sadness, small mention of depression and graves (don't read this if you aren't in the right mental state)

Summary: In which you couldn't win Ellie's heart

Authors note: ladies and ladies, the violence is back! Idk man it's been a while since I've written something like this. Remember you are loved <3

Your word and my word and her word is

Yesterday, today and tomorrow

And twilight gives me, an inner sanctity

And you're feeling, and you're hungry for her

And you don't understand it

But you know you haven't planned it

Your feelings and mine are all lonely

And dawn comes you're there lying with me

And you reach out to touch me, but I am in the twilight

You heard Ellie let out a sigh as she continued venting to you about Dina.

Stupid Dina.

Seems like all Ellie could talk about was her.

Why her? Out of all the people on the fucking planet why did it have to be Dina?

"She said "hey Ellie" and she didn't even smile with me! like what the fuck???" Ellie practically yelled with frustration.

You rolled your eyes at Ellie.

"Ellie calm down maybe she had a bad day"

Ellie stopped pacing around the room to look at you.

"Yeah.... you're right! She doesn't hate me she's just tired" Ellie said with a small smile.

You watched as Ellie lowered herself onto your bed and she looked up at you with a shy smile. She reached out her arms in your direction "cuddle?" she asked softly.

You let out a sigh as got into the bed spooning Ellie. She let out a hum of satisfaction.

"Ellie you need to stop doing this"

"doing what?"

you only shook your head and thought: "making me fall in love with you"

"friends don't cuddle" you brought up.

"Friends do" Ellie argued.

"Dina wouldn't like this" you added.

"well Dina isn't here right now" Ellie spoke matter of factly as she snuggled closer to you.

All you did was sigh as you brought your hand up to scratch Ellie's head. She let out a moan and she closed her eyes.

"You are a great friend, you know that?" Ellie spoke through a yawn.

Yeah, you were a great friend.

Your feelings and mine are all holy but,

You know and I know it's untrue because

When day dawns you're there lying with me

And the dawn can fly away

And you know I love you but you know that

There's nothing you can do about it

Because you love her, and you still want me

If I could be her... but I'm not her and she's not me

And you're somewhere different, on a different planet

You loved Ellie. You loved her a little more than a friend should.

Every time you saw her, your heart raced. She made you feel hot by just giving you a smile. Ellie made you feel things. Things you've never felt before.

You loved her.

But you knew she didn't feel the same.

You lay many nights next to Ellie, listening to her complain about Dina who's oblivious to Ellie's feelings.

It hurt you.

Seeing how Ellie always smiled when Dina walked into a room. Seeing how excited Ellie got, every time Dina said something. Every time Dina complimented Ellie, she almost exploded with joy.

It made you sick.

You tried being Dina.

Maybe Ellie would love you if you were someone else.

Maybe it was the way you did your hair? Was it the way you dressed? Was it the way you looked? What made Dina so special?

You tried cutting your hair the same length as Dina. You started dressing like her. You even copied her stupid music taste.

You tried. You tried so fucking hard.

But you could never be her and Ellie would never see you like that.

You knew Ellie loved you. She wanted you, but not in the same way you wanted her.

You were her best friend.

The girl she could go to with her problems, the girl who would help her with her hair and outfits.

You were nothing more than a friend.

You wanted to be Dina and you prayed to the gods that you could become her. But you didn't. You were nothing more than a friend in Ellie's eyes.

You saw how much Ellie's crush on Dina affected her.

How much it hurt her knowing that Dina most probably doesn't feel the same. And you being the amazing friend that you were, you decided to help Ellie.

You made it your mission to get them together.

Even though it hurt you knowing Ellie would never love you, as long as she was happy, you'd be happy too.

That's how you got yourself in your current position. Sitting across Dina in her apartment.

"So" you stared as you took a sip from the orange juice Dina gave you.

"we need to talk"

"about?"

"Ellie" "What about Ellie? Dina asked confused.

"do you have feelings for her?" you asked.

You watched as Dina burst out laughing, you watched as she threw her head back from laughing.

Anger sparked in you.

Why the fuck was she laughing? What's so fucking funny about liking Ellie?

After a while of Dina laughing, she slowed down breathing heavily before she let out a "Why would I like her? She's weird".

You felt your eye twitch before all hell broke loose.

How dare she say that about Ellie?

Your Ellie?

Ellie loved her so much and this is what Dina had to say?

This was the girl Ellie loved. She didn't deserve Ellie. If only she knew the amount of tears Ellie cried for her.

fucking bitch

You leaped from where you were sitting onto Dina, you straddled her as you punch her over and over again.

"How-"

*punch*

"dare-"

*punch*

"you"

*punch*

You don't even know how long you sat on her, and listened to her beg.

"Please" she whimpered as she tried getting you off her.

You eventually got off her breathing heavily as you looked down at your hands.

Your knuckles were bruised, and your hands covered in blood.

Dina's blood.

You looked over at her, seeing her slowly breathing. She didn't move, she didn't even make a sound.

Maybe she was unconscious.

You couldn't even recognize her with all the blood and bruises.

If Dina woke up, she would call the police. She would tell Ellie. Ellie would hate you.

You couldn't let that happen.

You slowly walked back from Dina, as you heard glass shatter. Your head snapped in the direction of the sound.

You saw pieces of glass scattered everywhere. And your orange juice was all over the floor.

Fuck you wanted to drink that.

You slowly bent down to pick up a shard of glass, and you held in your palm.

You walked towards Dina and you slowly pushed the glass into her trachea. You watched as the blood seeped from the wound.

You took a step back, leaving the glass shard in place. The blood dripped all over her throat and clothes, blood came out of her mouth.

Soon after Dina stopped breathing.

You killed her. You fucking killed someone.

You knew you made the right decision by killing Dina, because now you finally had Ellie to yourself.

And you still want it

The inner sanctity

And it's an evil

But the evil is necessary

And you're still hungry for her

And you still want her loving

But she doesn't love you

You watched as Ellie sat next to Dina's grave. She was sobbing.

Why the fuck was she crying over someone who didn't feel anything for her?

After Dina's death Ellie really struggled. She struggled to accept that the girl she loved wasn't here anymore. And what hurt Ellie the most was that Dina never knew.

Dina never knew the love Ellie had for her.

You watched Ellie spiral. You watched how she suffered.

Your plan was get rid of Dina, not the hurt the girl you loved.

Late at night when Ellie would lay in your arms you would sometimes feel regret for what you did. You didn't know it would affect Ellie the way it did, and you never wanted to hurt her. The guilt you felt soon get's replaced with pride when you realize that you got rid of the girl that was only going to hurt Ellie.

You saved Ellie. You saved her from rejection and embarrassment.

You knew she would get over it eventually.

Ellie's life wouldn't stop because her crush died. At some point she'll just have to accept it and you'll be here waiting for her with open arms.

You quietly walked towards Ellie as she sobbed next to Dina's grave, you raised your right hand putting it on her shoulder.

Ellie looked up at you, and in her eyes you could see how broken she was.

"It's ok Ellie" was all you said before she continued to sob into her hands.

You let out a sigh at the sight.

Months after Dina's death you realized that Ellie wasn't going to forget so easily.

You watched as she printed out pictures of her and Dina, and she placed it all over her apartment. You watched as she went to Dina's grave every week.

You listened to Ellie cry almost every night.

Even though you knew Dina didn't feel anything for her, Ellie still wanted her. Ellie still craved Dina.

Yes, she got affection from you, but you were never going to be enough.

All she wanted was Dina.

And you knew in the years to come Ellie wouldn't be able to move on and forget.

Even though you were there for her through everything. Even though you showed her nothing but love, the only person Ellie ever wanted was Dina.

She wanted Dina's love. Dina's care.

You were nothing but a friend. The realization made you sick.

You did everything for her.

You even killed for her.

But you'll never be Dina.

All you could was comfort her and hope, she'll one day feel the same.

[txtmetonight]

Twilight—Bôa ✆

summary *. The twilight zone burns

pairing *. * Jaeyun Sim x Fem! Reader

genre *. Angst

warnings *. Mentions of blood

taglist ⋆ ★ @kflixnet

You wonder what the meaning of a promise is. What is the true definition behind the words that are uttered underneath stairwells and hushed lips? What does a human speak of when they vow? What do they sacrifice?  

“A declaration or assurance that one will do something or that a particular thing will happen.” 

You’ve been promised love by Sim Jaeyun but what does that mean?

He has promised not to taint you with the colors of black, and all that is foul–that he will protect your holy heart in its cavity of sanctity.

He has promised you a new life, a life to touch the sky, the stars, and the sun until you wither away along with him.

He has promised you the light that illuminates, the light that warms, the light that sees the beauty under the skin of people–the light that they possess in their fingertips.  

Yet you’re now back in the twilight zone where it’s dark and Jaeyun now flies in a plane of confusion and hunger. A hunger for more. A hunger for words that mean much more or nothing.  

Right now, he stands in front of you, and he is in a state of obsession with the desire to love and be loved. He says that he loves you, but you’re not blind. He loves both. He promises both–you and another.

But Jaeyun doesn’t understand it as you force-feed him his emotions and perhaps a mix of yours too. It’s messy and it slobbers down his chin, dribbling down his shirt. The man is too used to it though, and he doesn’t pay any mind.  

“Do you like her?” You ask.

He doesn’t look at you, but he merely stares ahead, his eyes locked on a woman in the distance. You know of this woman very well. She holds your distaste and your likeness in her hands even if she doesn't know it. She is oblivious.

With so much profound irony, his fingers intertwine with you, and they burn against your skin, tearing the flesh off as it exposes the skin and bone underneath. He then dares to turn his head around with the passing wind that carries away his moment of feelings.  

“Of course not. I promise I only love you.” 

You find yourself nodding. “It’s okay. I know that.” You then pat your hand against the soft grass but sigh when he has already looked away. You feel lonely. He’s isolated.  

“Lay down with me Jaeyun. Tell me exactly how much you love me. Show me.” 

Cry to me, unveil to me how much you love me–adore me, praise me. Like you praise her and the sacred beauty she holds.  

You soon enough realize that he is sinful. Jaeyun is rotted and he holds the disease deep inside him. It eats away from his guts and his intestines, spilling blood into his lungs as he chokes out the metal liquid.

He still tries to touch you, to hold you in his arms. He cradles you but you are repulsed by his touch. Or at least you act like you are. Because you’re already tainted but you don’t want him to know that.  

Jaeyun is a force to be reckoned with. He is the devil, and he is greedy with the thirst to keep his heart full. He deserves to go to hell, but he will drag you with him.

“Do you trust me?” He questions one night. You are both on your bed with the covers pulled up. It’s still cold though and he lights a cigarette that he stole from his father. The pack sits in his right pocket.

It takes you a second to say something back to him as you crinkle your nose from the sudden stench. He knows that you don’t like it but still does it anyways. 

“I do. But I don’t trust your heart. I don’t trust what it holds.”  

He lets out a puff of smoke into the air. It transcends into nothingness. 

“There’s nothing I can do about it, though. Can I?” 

“You’re fucking evil.”

You roll around and face the wall. You draw shapes on it with your eyes and he immediately follows your actions. Jaeyun kisses your back tenderly as if he were afraid that you would shatter into a million pieces.

“But I need you. You feed me–keep me grounded.”

You’re not sure if he’s lying. Sometimes he seems far away, taking shelter on another planet. Other times, he keeps his inner sanctity and goodness and stays with you.

As long as he comes back to you–he will forever be seen in the eyes that you behold as pure. And he knows that. And so do you. But does the other woman?

What does she serve him? What does she do to him?  

This led back to the promises once more–his breath reeks of sores because of the popping of never-met words towards you. You still let him kiss you though and the poison seeps into your mouth.

It fills your senses with heat, but you’re still left wondering with queries that you’ll never know the answers to. 

What does he say to her? What does she say to him?  

She’s not you. And you’re not her but maybe you wish. You pray on a shooting star that you have yet to see in the twilight zone. An area of muddy water and foggy air that you cannot traverse through, because he loves you. And he loves her. 

But she doesn’t love him back. And you do. So, he comes back to you; he’s still starving. 

You open the gates to twilight to let him in again. Again. Again. Let him suckle from the tips of your heart.  

[rimoriii]

→ O4/22/2O24 ᵔ₊.

ੈ♡‧₊˚ ❛ @rimoriii * .

momo's carrd

i hope you enjoy

reading this.

. . . . .

⌦ hello everyone !

this is my very first post <3

my blog today will be about . . .

WHAT IT MEANS TO BE ESU

——— — - - - —— - - -

❛ tᥲbᥣᥱ ᥆f ᥴ᥆ᥒtᥱᥒt᥉. ୨୧♡ᵎ

—---———------—--——

:: OO . . . . . . . . . . . disclaimer + rant.

:: O1 . . . . . . . . . . . intro to esu.

:: O2 . . . . . . . . . . . my story.

:: O3 . . . . . . . . . . . signs you might be esu.

:: O4 . . . . . . . . . . . resources.

:: O4 . . . . . . . . . . . outro.

. . . . .

→ O4/22/2O24 ᵔ₊.

ੈ♡‧₊˚ ❛ @rimoriii * .

﹏ ﹏ ﹏ ﹏ ﹏ ﹏ ﹏ ﹏ ﹏ ﹏ ﹏ ﹏

༄ ‧₊˚ ⌇ disclaimer + rant:: ↴ ! ❜⸼۰

before y'all start fighting in my comments section, nobody wants to fight you so hate will be deleted. you are entitled to your own opinion and i am entitled to mine and believe it or not, thinking this is valid IS an opinion. if you think otherwise, you're allowed to think that, what am i gonna do about it?? this post is really just me practicing argumentative responses, feedback or criticism would be greatly appreciated. i would love to hear your point of view as long as you're respectful !

esu, transracial, and rcta aren't the same thing so please don't say that. idek what transracial is but i assume it's the same as being rcta - rcta means "race change to another" and it is a newer term that we should NOT be using. why?

first off, race is a very broad thing, you can't just transition to a race, you have to be a specific ethnicity.

some of y'all don't know the difference between race, ethnicity and nationality so lemme just get that out of the way now :

race: race typically refers to physical characteristics such as skin color, facial features, and hair texture. it's a social construct used to categorize people based on perceived biological differences. however, there is no scientific basis for these distinctions, as genetic variation within racial groups can be greater than between them.

ethnicity: ethnicity relates to cultural factors such as language, religion, ancestry, and traditions. it's more about shared customs, beliefs, and history rather than physical traits. people from the same ethnicity may or may not share the same race.

nationality: nationality refers to the legal relationship between an individual and a sovereign state. it indicates the country of citizenship or allegiance, often determined by factors like place of birth, parentage, or legal status. nationality is about belonging to a specific political community, regardless of race or ethnicity.

now that you know that, let's continue.

the term race change TO ANOTHER implies that you were not that race before which would be untrue, it's a very hard feeling to describe but you've always been that race at heart, you're not "changing races"

this term was made by an awful person who is a groomer and pedo. they are also an asian fetishist. so by using this term, you'd be putting yourself under the same umbrella as them. im not going to talk about it but @.rctaisacult on tiktok has talked about it with screenshots and proof.

people who use ethnicity subliminals have ALWAYS been called ethnicity subliminals users, you can see that term goes back a lot of years, rcta on the other hand, very recent.

and for why you shouldn't use the term "transracial" ? there actually isn't a reason that comes to mind except for the fact that a lot of bait accounts or adults use it, there are many transracial adults out there that you can go to for help, large community! me personally, i don't really like to because i've noticed that most of the time, they have underlying mental issues that really need attention... im not trying to be like that so err i'd just not.

transracial is defined as: "Anyone whose physical makeup, emotional, racial, and/or self-expression is in conflict with current cultural racial stereotypes and racial norms, similar to transgender and sexual norms" (which it is not). it is actually the oldest term on the list, if you haven't heard of being esu, i'm sure you've heard of being transracial.

based on this definition, i feel like the difference between being esu and being transracial is one (has to) use subliminals and the other doesn't. they'll do things like cosmetic procedures instead.

i kinda wanna talk abt oli london but let's not address that

that tangent is over now and i just want to tell you that im not asking you to change your opinion, i just want you to be nice. the hate towards esu on the Internet is absolutely insane, i get it if you don't support, okay? if you don't like it, block don't report. we're just existing and it sucks that you think that's wrong of us. hate comments can be really damaging to someone's mental health, ESPECIALLY if that person is sensitive. if the hate is prolonged, it could lead to the death of someone, someone's child, cousin, uncle, aunt, mom, dad etc.

beating up someone because of their race/ethnicity or identity is absolutely insane, never ever resort to violence like that. what if that was a rumor? what if the person you just put on the brink of death was a bait account? what if they were framed? what if they lied? what if that was just a child? what if they were just minding their own business? you did that for what? for no reason at all.

i've lost many friends due to things like this happening, honestly just scroll, it's not that hard. the way that you'll just resort to violence like that is seriously disgusting, im sorry but you were not raised right. you all need to learn how to get over it, there's more to people other than if they're esu or not, it's their life, their decision, what are you really gonna do about it??

don't report, block me please

rest in peace to everyone we've lost and best wishes to everyone who has quit or left social media due to hate.

. . . . .

now that that's been said, let's start !

i hope you enjoy !

﹏ ﹏ ﹏ ﹏ ﹏ ﹏ ﹏ ﹏ ﹏ ﹏ ﹏ ﹏

༄ ‧₊˚ ⌇intro to esu:: ↴ ! ❜⸼۰ ꒱

esu : ethnicity subliminal user(s)

what is a subliminal?

subliminals are messages that are delivered to the subconscious mind by means of music, speech or visual stimuli. these messages often contain negative or positive affirmations that are repeated repeatedly in order to reprogram or retrain the mind. subliminals are commonly used in self-improvement programs, weight loss programs and various therapy programs.

how do subliminals work?

subliminals work by bypassing the conscious mind and communicating directly to the subconscious mind. the subconscious mind receives and accepts these messages, if this goes on for a prolonged amount of time (varies), it can influence a person's beliefs, attitudes and behavior and may have a long-term effect on their thoughts, emotions and physical health. subliminal messages can be delivered through a variety of media, including music, videos, affirmations, and visual cues.

what is the law of attraction?

the law of attraction is a spiritual belief that states that positive or negative thoughts and feelings create a corresponding positive or negative energy that attracts or repels similar experiences, events, and people into our lives.

according to the law of attraction, if we focus on positive thoughts and feelings, we are more likely to attract positive experiences and people, and if we focus on negative thoughts and feelings, we are more likely to attract negative experiences and people.

what is manifestation?

manifestation is the process of bringing one's thoughts, feelings, and desires into physical reality. it involves concentrating one's thoughts, attention, and energy on a particular goal or outcome and taking action towards obtaining that outcome, believing that it is already a reality and that the desired result will manifest. manifestation involves having a clear and focused idea of what one wants, consistently holding that idea in one's mind, and taking action to bring it into physical reality.

what are ethnicity subliminals?

ethnicity subliminals are a type of subliminal messaging that uses affirmations, music, or ambient sounds to alter the physical appearance or identity of an individual. these affirmations are aimed at changing a person's ethnicity, and are often used by people who have a desire to look like a different ethnic group. while some believe that ethnicity subliminals can be used to alter one's appearance, many view this as problematic and potentially harmful.

so.. what's an ethnicity subliminal user?

ethnicity subliminal users are individuals who use ethnicity subliminals, to change one's physical appearance, ancestry or identity. these individuals may feel the need to change their appearance to conform to societal standards of beauty (invalid), to fit in with a different group (invalid), or to simply change their appearance to suit their personal preferences.

While some ethnicity subliminal users may see these messages as beneficial, others may view them as problematic and potentially harmful.

when you are esu, you're using these all of these things !

﹏ ﹏ ﹏ ﹏ ﹏ ﹏ ﹏ ﹏ ﹏ ﹏ ﹏ ﹏

༄ ‧₊˚ ⌇my story :: ↴ ! ❜⸼۰ ꒱

the purpose of me telling you this is so you can compare yourself to me and see if our stories align, i've noticed that most esu have similar childhood experiences.

as a young child, i was always drawn to japan, but i didn't really know why i was fascinated by everything about the country: the language, the food, the fashion, and the architecture. it all seemed to resonate with me on a deeper level, and i would spend hours researching japanese history, traditions, and customs. but i kept these feelings to myself, afraid that others would think i was weird or that they wouldn't understand. i tried to suppress my interests and conform to the expectations of those around me. however, the pull of japan was always there, and i couldn't shake the feeling that there was something about the country that i connected with on a deep level.

my connection to japan and its culture has always been a source of both fascination and confusion for me. i felt drawn to the country and its cultures from a very young age. but i didn't understand why or what it meant. i kept these feelings to myself out of fear that others would judge me or think i was wrong. as i got older, i couldn't shake the feeling that i was different from the people around me. it seemed like everyone around me was comfortable with their race and culture, while i felt like an outsider. i didn't look like my birth race, and i didn't feel like i was a part of it either. i always felt out of place, like there was something wrong with me. i wanted to be japanese, so much so that i would tell people i met that i was. but i didn't know a single word of japanese, so when people would ask me to say something in the language, i would freeze up and feel ashamed. i tried to learn japanese, but as an 8-year-old, i couldn't quite grasp it. i turned to subliminals to try and help me become more japanese, but i wasn't any good at sticking to routines and eventually gave up.

it wasn't until a bit later that i finally started to figure out what was going on. i was depressed and sad, trying on so many different gender identities and sexualities, but nothing ever felt right. i wish i could go back in time and change all of those years of confusion and sadness. but it isn't possible. my connection to japan was always more than just a passing interest; it was a deep-seated fascination that captivated me for years even when i didn't fully understand what it meant. i would daydream about living in japan, surrounded by the culture and the language, and would spend hours researching everything i could about the country, desperate to learn more. but even as i dreamed of becoming fluent in japanese, living in japan, and being part of the culture, i struggled with the guilt of feeling like i was somehow betraying my birth race and identity. i would ignore my birth race's culture, trying to pretend it didn't exist, and would become uncomfortable when others mentioned it.

as a self-proclaimed "anime hater" in 2020 i kept my distance from anything japanese for fear of being associated with the weird and awkward people who idolized the culture. but when the pandemic hit and we were quarantined at home, my curiosity began to get the best of me. with nothing but time on my hands, i started to explore japanese culture through something other than anime, and food. i started to explore the different kinds of sushi and discovered the deliciousness of onigiri, falling in love with the unique flavors and textures that were new to my palette. and even though i tried to ignore it, my obsession with japanese food slowly grew. (love it! #fat) but wasn't just my love for japanese food bun that was changing, as i struggled through the isolation of quarantine, l started to feel very sensitive and empty, like there was a part of me that was missing, even though i thought | had finally figured out my identity, something still seemed wrong.

then, again, i turned to subliminals as a way to find answers. i tried ethnicity subliminals, hoping they would help me figure out where i belonged in the world. but after a short time, i stopped listening to them, feeling like they weren't providing me with the answers i was looking for. and then, it was the summer of 2023. everyone was talking about rcta, something l knew a bit about from when i was young. lt seemed like a crazy fad, and i was one of the people making fun of t butt deep down, i knew that something was still missing. i still hadn't found that place in the world where i felt like i belonged, and i was desperate for answers. and thus began my journey down the rabbit hole of the rcta/esu community. lt started with me simply observing from the side, trying to understand what all the fuss was about. i was intrigued by the concept, but didn't want to go all in just yet.

however, as l spent more time in the community, i began to realize that i felt a strong connection to the esu identity, it was like a missing piece of the puzzle had finally been found! so, l decided to create my discord server, hoping to help others who were also struggling to find their place in the world. at first, i didn't claim to be esu, but rather acted as a supporter, helping others navigate their journeys. with over 800 members, it was like a second home to me. everyone was so supportive and caring, and i felt like i belonged for the first time in a long time. but then things took a turn. i took a short break from discord, only to come back to a complete mess. it was all my fault, apparently, and i felt like i had let everyone down. so i quit that server and started a new one, this time i started posting esu content and started "baiting" as esu japanese.

it wasn't a surprise that i got a lot of hate comments on my tiktok. people seemed to hate the idea of changing races, and they didn't hold back when it came to expressing their opinion. the comments hurt me, but i refused to admit it to

myself instead, i lashed out and doubled down on my beliefs, refusing to see the other side. my mom eventually caught wind of the hate i had been spewing, and she confronted me about it and defended myself. arguing that chänging races were racist but then she asked me a simple question: "how is it racist? they just want to be their true selves." oh, how that question hit me like a truck. i realized that i had been going against everything i had said and everything thought | had ever believed. it was as if a switch flipped inside me, and suddenly, it all made sense, i had to know more, to understand this newfound realization.

so i started researching my culture, devouring every piece of information i could find. i scoured the web for answers, for stories from people who experienced the same thing l did. and every article, every testimony, every piece of information. i felt my identity falling into place. it's been a few months since that realization, and i have never felt more connected to japan. i've learned so much about my culture, from the food to the customs, language and history. i feel a sense of belonging i never thought possible, and a newfound sense of pride in who i live, let's have been a journey, but one that i am grateful for. and know that there's still so much more to learn and discover. but for now, i'm satisfied with my new identity as an esu, and i am proud to be a part of a community that celebrates our cultures and identities.

༄ ‧₊˚ ⌇signs you might be esu:: ↴ ! ❜⸼۰ ꒱

you feel a deep affinity or connection to a culture or ethnicity that is different from your own background.

you have a genuine curiosity and enthusiasm for exploring and learning about different cultures, including their language, traditions, customs, and history.

you may feel like you don't fully belong to or identify with the cultural norms, traditions, or values of your birth culture.

you may desire to integrate elements of the culture you feel connected to into your own life, whether it's through language learning, adopting certain customs or practices, or participating in cultural events.

you have experimented with subliminals or other methods as a way to explore or express your connection to a different ethnicity or culture.

༄ ‧₊˚ ⌇resources:: ↴ ! ❜⸼۰ ꒱

you feel a sense of resonance or belonging when engaging with esu communities or content that explores themes of cultural identity, ethnicity, or belonging.

OR you feel jealous or almost violent when you see these communities^^

if you're feeling this way, please think about why !

https://cryptome.org/2017/05/in-defense-of-transracialism.pdf

˗ ˏ` ᥆ᥙtr᥆. ೄྀ࿐

﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌

: : : : . . . . . .thank you for reading!

hopefully this changed some perspectives <3

‿‿‿‿‿‿‿‿‿ 下次見 ！. . . . . .

see you next time ! 。。‿‿‿‿ ⌲

♡˖°꒰ @rimoriii is logging off :: . . . .

[whitetaileddeer]

Gio as lyrics

stole this idea off all-we-know-is-falling :3

(these are in no particular order by the way, its a mix of lyrics that relate to events in his life and those that just reflect him as a person)

Elephant - Bôa

If I was to hold one hand over my face now

Would you know me, or would you see the other side of me?

And if you were to notice, that there is a plan I've been devising

To go, to go now, far away from here, now

And I'm gonna be so brave, and I'm gonna go so far away

Hey now - Shauna Dean Cokeland 

I once was a kid with long dark hair

Running wild through the forest like a white tailed deer

Didn't notice much 'til I saw it all at once

once was a kid in a little dark house

And I didn't talk to people

And I didn't go out

The place stunk like hell, burned my eyes

Now you'll hit my phone and say I'm lyin'

The doctors told me I can't stay 15 years old,

what kinda place would take a girl like that

It's strange, when you're sent somewhere to come back changed

Hey now, did I make you proud?

Tell me how I turned out

Full moon - The black ghosts

 And in the full moons light I listen to the stream

And  in between the silence hear you calling me

But I don’t know where I am and I don’t trust who I’ve been

And if I come home how will I ever leave

Home- Daughter

I was drunk again

Causing accidents

Oh, you're not a friend

No, you're nothing

I think I should be

A little more confident

In myself

In my skin

'Cause I don't stand a chance in these four walls

And he don't recognise me anymore

Burned out flames should never re-ignite

But I thought you might

Now he's moving close

My heart in my throat

I won't say a word

But I think he knows

That I've hardly slept

Since the night he left

His body always kept

Mine inside of it

Keep the nightmares out

Give me mouth-to-mouth

I can't live without ya

Take me to your house

Vampire empire- Big thief

Well, I walked into your dagger for the last time

It's like trying to start a fire with matches in the snow

Where you can't seem to hold me, can't seem to let me go

So I can't find surrender and I can't keep control

You turn me inside out, and then you want me outside in

You spin me all around, and then you ask me not to spin

You say you wanna be alone and you want children

You wanna be with me, you wanna be with him

Fame < infamy - Fall out boy

When I'm home alone

I just dance by myself

And you pull my head so close volume goes with the truth

Signing off 'I'm all right in bed but I'm better with a pen'

The kid was all right but it went to his head

I am Gods gift

Why would he bless me with such wit

without a conscience equipped

I'm addicted to the way I feel when

I think of you "There's too much green to feel blue"

Lover, you should’ve come over- Jeff Buckley

Maybe I'm too young

To keep good love from going wrong

But tonight you're on my mind

So... you'll never know

Broken down and hungry for your love

With no way to feed it

Where are you tonight?

Child, ya know how much I need it

Too young to hold on

And too old to just break free and run

So I'll wait for you, love

And I'll burn

Will I ever see your sweet return?

Oh, will I ever learn?

Oh-oh, lover, you should've come over

'Cause it's not too late

Be nice to me - The front bottoms

There is very little left of me and it's never coming back

There are certain things you ask of me 

There are certain things I lack

The beginning, we were winning

Now we're just making a fact

What's it matter anymore?

You believe the lies I tell

There's no meaning to words

But we still sing these songs well

And we all left it alone

I'm sure it will work itself out fine

They are playing with your numbers

And we are running out of time

You're a killer and I'm your best friend

I think it's unfair, your situation

You say I'm changing, 

Sorry I didn't know I had to stay the same

Can we talk about this later? 

Your voice is driving me insane

I try to write you poems, but the words they don't make sense

The hand tries to grip the pencil, but the fingers are too tense

I try to show emotion, but my eyes won't seem to wet

I'd love to tell you stories, but I can't remember how they went

Small hands- Keaton Henson

Please forget me, you were right dear

I am cold and self-involved

And though I'll miss you, recent lover

I am weak and therefore fold

Get distracted by my music

Think of nothing else but art

I'll write my loneliness in poems

If I can just think how to start

Wonderless - Pierce the veil

And if you don’t find me on the front page

Find a way to say that you saw me

And if you don’t find me in a movie

Find a way to say that you knew me

And if you don’t find me in the front page

Find a way to say that you saw me

and if you don’t find me at all

then I won’t care

Today I saw the whole words - Pierce the veil

While you stood over the pavement

I was biting the curb

Sick entertainment

But I'll bet it feels good coming down

Can't bear to wash out the wasted time

Between your lips and mine

Oh, can't you feel it?

You feed on my restless soul

Oh, can you see that

It's never enough, it's never enough

Today I saw the whole world

And I think heaven has a plot to take my life

Listen, I'm the one who made you

I'll be the one who brings you down

But this will be the last time

No care- Daughter

Oh, I'm too drunk to fight, hurling curses at your surface

Because I'm aware, because it hurts that I'm in love again

And you have kissed my neck so your arguments are insane

Fighting over the way something was said

Well, I'm still here like a cheap threat

No care, no care in the world

Dream brother- Jeff Buckley

Her green eyes blew goodbyes

With her head in her hands

and your kiss on the lips of another

Dream Brother with your tears scattered round the world.

Don't be like the one who made me so old

Don't be like the one who left behind his name

'Cause they're waiting for you like I waited for mine

And nobody ever came...

Twin sized mattress - The front bottoms

It's no big surprise you turned out this way

When they close their eyes and prayed you would change

And they cut your hair, and sent you away

I wanna contribute to the chaos

I don't wanna watch and then complain

'Cause I am through finding blame

That is the decision that I have made

I dont smoke- Mitski

I don't smoke

Except for when I'm missing you

To remember your mouth, how it tasted true

And I don't smoke

Except for after I've held you, baby

Being with you

Makes the flame burn good

So if you need to be mean

Be mean to me

I can take it and put it inside of me

Last words of a shooting star- Mitski

All of this turbulence wasn't forecasted

Apologies from the intercom

And I am relieved that I'd left my room tidy

They'll think of me kindly

When they come for my things

They'll never know how I'd stared at the dark in that room

With no thoughts like a blood-sniffing shark

And while my dreams made music in the night

Carefully I was going to live

You wouldn't leave 'til we loved in the morning

You'd learned from movies how love ought to be

And you'd say you love me and look in my eyes

But I know through mine you were looking in yours

These days- Nico and the velvet underground

I had a lover

I don't think I'd risk another these days

These days

And if I seem to be afraid

To live the life that I have made in song

It's just that I've been losing

So long

I've stopped my dreaming

I won't do too much scheming these days

These days

These days I sit on cornerstones

And count the time in quarter tones to ten

Please don't confront me with my failures

I had not forgotten them

Tin can ride- Gregory and the hawk

We won't mind if you try to fix him, and then cry into the mic.

According to stories fireside, he was raised by wolves then cut and left to die.

If it weren't so nigh, time you'd be screaming out, if it weren't your kid, you would give into doubt.

But these days you're trying to quit, like those smiles that he fooled you with.

We won't mind, feign a thick skin and then split at the sides.

Faulty rhymes - he was born heart beating to the pulse of poetic crime.

It's a hard one, kid, the paint's quite peeling, but, boy, the wood is fine.

Stay away from my friends - Pierce the veil

Baby stay away from my friends

Because I need them to carry me when it's over

I'll count back from ten

And you can listen to

Something that you've never heard before

But you don't know what it's like to wake up in the middle of the night

Scaring the thought of kissing razors

This blood evacuation is telling me to cave in

Stay away

Oh no

Just stay away from my friends.

[tonycries]

ok now i NEED to know ur top ten artists🙏🙏

literally i love bonding over music

🫐

AAAAA THIS IS HARDDD cuz they're always changing. Okokok let's see, in no particular order my current top ten:

Mitski

Weezer

Sagong

Childish Gambino

BABYMETAL

Wave to Earth

Nirvana

Daphne's Couch

Bôa

Tame Impala

[minkshame]

I did want to reshare the SPARE CHANGES PLAYLIST complete with tracklist and key lyrics... under the cut

SECTION 1 (TORD):

Half a World Away (R.E.M.) - My hand's tired, my heart aches / I'm half a world away

Leaving New York (R.E.M.) - You might have laughed if I told you (it's pulling me apart)

Dirty Imbecile (The Happy Fits) - When my heart starts beating, lungs stop breathing / All my fibers say to run away

Don't be Seen with Me (Oppenheimer Analysis) - I kept things under strict control / Resisted all diversion

How to Disappear Completely (Radiohead) - That there, that's not me

You've Got to Hide Your Love Away (The Beatles) - I can see them laugh at me, and I hear them say / Hey, you've got to hide your love away

Heart in a Cage (The Strokes) - See I'm stuck in a city, but I belong in a field

Back to the Old House (The Smiths) - Cause I never even told you / Oh and I meant to

Promise (Laufey) - And I should get a cigarette / For how much restraint

No Time to Explain (Good Kid) - It's been a while I've been out on my own / I'm in denial about living life alone

SECTION 2 (EDD):

I Guess He'd Rather be in Colorado (John Denver) - I guess he'd rather work / Out where the only thing you earn is what you spend

Give you My Lovin (Mazzy Star) - Cause you see, rain reminds me of you / And everything has turned to you

Hopelessly Devoted to You (Olivia Newton-John) - I know I'm just a fool who's willing / To sit around and wait for you

I Don't Wanna Be Okay Without You (Charlie Burg) - And I can hear so clearly all the words I wish I'd said / You're stuck in my head

Mamma Mia (Austin Weber) - Yeah, I've been brokenhearted / Blue since the day we parted / Why why did I ever let you go?

Livin' With a Heartache (The Beach Boys) - I'm no good alone, you know-a everyone sees / That you left me alone with nothin' but a heartache

Oh Love (Delaney Bailey) - And I don't want to turn back time anymore / But I do miss when I thought that I was loved

Duvet (bôa) - But you know that it means so much / And you don't even feel a thing

I want you (Mitski) - We're starting over / And I love you darling

SECTION 3 (GENERAL):

The Less I Know The Better (Tame Impala) - I was doing fine without ya / til I saw your eyes turn away from mine

Pork Soda (Glass Animals) - Why can’t we laugh now like we did then? / How come I see you and ache instead?

Spare Hearts (Exit Mouse) - I know you’re afraid / Of making a big mistake / But you’re just what I need / Spare me the fear

Les maudits mots d'amour (Le rouge et le Noir) - Mais dans l'ivresse de tes bras / Tout le reste vole en éclat, / Vole en éclat.

SECTION 4 (LOW POINT):

If I can't be yours (Loren & Mash) - I realize / We're not the same / And it's making me sad / Cause we can't fulfill our dreams in this life

Memento Mori (Red Vox) - Could it be, the presence of memory / Is all we are, all we'll ever be?

I Know It’s Over (The Smiths) - And it never really began / But in my heart it was so real

Sparks (Coldplay) - My Heart is yours / It's you that I hold on to

Turtles All The Way Down (Sammy Copley)- And I’m aware / That it’s not fair / To bring you here then send you on your way / You had so much to say / And to ask

Door (I DONT KNOW HOW BUT THEY FOUND ME) - If I'm out of line / Just show me the door / I promise you I / Won't come here no more

SECTION 5 (HAPPY ENDING):

Scary Love (The Neighborhood) - No one has ever cared for me / as much a you do

It's Been a Long Long Time (Harry James) - You'll never know how many dreams I've dreamed about you / Or how empty they all seemed without you

Those Eyes (New West) - I close my eyes and all I see is you / And the small things you do

Heart to Heart (Mac Demarco) - To all the days we were together / To all the time we played apart / In each other's lives

Another Believer (Rufus Wainwright) - And give me just one more chance, one more glance

Home (Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros) - Man oh man you're my best friend / I scream it to the nothingness

Genesis (Jourma Kaukonen) - And there I found myself with you / When breathing felt like something new, new / Along with you

[w3ath3r-0f-sw34t3rz]

a (not) mini rayla playlist 🪻⚔️🦋🫧💟🔗💤

you're on your own, kid (taylor swift) "you're on your own, kid // you always have been"

exile (taylor swift x bon iver) "you're not my homeland anymore // so what am i defending now? // you were my town // now i'm in exile, seein' you out"

old friend (mitski)

virgin veins (coma cinema) "virgin veins // hold the rushing pain // of a past that cannot die"

bobby (beabadoobee) "despite the love she'd get she dismissed // 'cause Bobby always saw the bad // blind to the life she had // who could've blamed her though? // bobby was fourteen years old"

sad, beautiful, tragic (taylor swift) "in dreams // i meet you in warm conversation // we both wake // in lonely beds // in different cities // and time // is taking its sweet time erasing you // and you've got your demons // and darlin' they all look like me // 'cause we had a beautiful magic love there"

milk of the siren (melanie martinez)

matilda (harry styles) "matilda, you talk of the pain like it's all alright // but i know that you feel like a piece of you's dead insidе // you showed me a power that is strong еnough to bring sun to the darkest days // it's none of my business, but it's just been on my mind ... anywhere you go, you don't need a reason // 'cause they never showed you love // you don't have to be sorry for doin' it on your own"

thorns (alex g)

homesick (boywithuke)

revenge (xxxtentacion) "i've dug two graves for us, my dear // can't pretend that i was perfect, leavin' you in fear // oh man, what a world, the things i hear // if i could act on my revenge, then, oh, would i?"

after the storm (kali uchis) "so if you need a hero (if you need a hero) // just look in the mirror (just look in the mirror) // no one's gonna save you now // so you better save yourself"

i'm your man (mitski)

sweet hibiscus tea (penelope scott)

little lion man (mumford & sons) "but it was not your fault but mine // and it was your heart on the line // i really fucked it up this time // didn't i, my dear?"

break (alex g)

take your time (chloe moriondo) "what do i have to do? // i wanna know // what will it take to make you let me go? // you don't fade like old stick and pokes // just swimming through my mind // i'll take a break, you take your time"

summer child (conan gray) "and you laugh and you dance in the wind // and you sway and you hug and you kiss // but there's darkness behind those eyes // even when you smile // oh, summer child // you don't have to act like all you feel is mild"

backstabber (keha)

duvet (bôa) "and you know i don't mean to hurt you // but you know that it means so much // and you don't even feel a thing // i am falling, i am fading, i am drowning // help me to breathe // i am hurting, i have lost it all // i am losing // help me to breathe"

see you again (tyler, the creator x kali uchis)

i was an island (john-allison weiss) "i was a fighter and i was so brave // but i lowered my sword when you held me and swore // you'd stay, stay, stay // i can't do this alone anymore // 'cause i'm no good on my own anymore // what did i do to deserve this? // what did you do to me? // baby, come back // you know i don't want to be free"

[astraydestiny]

WHAT HAPPENED YESTERDAY…

So as you all know, I did not post yesterday!! DANG IT… Why you ask? Well… Its simply because I was trying to solve this equation that involved Jade Leech + Trey Clover divided by the hypotenuse of the circumference of a square, and multiplied by the osmosis mitosis of the suns pneumonocultramicroscopicsilicavolcanoconiosis… After careful and meticulous solving… I reached the answer: Riddle did not cross the road. I feel as if I had done a service to humanity, and as such, deserve an award.

Now, in reality, what happened was-

BURNOUT 🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥

I hate to admit it… but yeah. As you can tell from my other posts, you can see that I do mention something like burnout in each one of them. And because I want to write more, I took a one day break so I could gather my thoughts, and stay consistent for longer!

If I’m being honest, I actually do this every week on fridays. Mainly because I just dont want school and stuff to get in front of my writing and stability and such. BUT YEAH! Thats it! If I’m gone for one day, be it friday, Monday, hell, even tuesday (who goes on breaks on tuesdays? Actually I dont need anyone to answer that question, tuesdays suck), just know I’ll be back sooner or later.

NOW THATS OUT OF THE WAY…

I NEEDA WRITE 2K + MORE WORDS TODAY!!! SO PROBABLY UPWARDS OF 4-5k!! So yeah… IMA NEED SOME ENCOURAGEMENT!!!

Okay… Well now I’m pretty clueless on whatelse to talk abt… So I’ma go! But ill be posting throughout the day to let you guys know of my progress so yeah!

Here are two music recs because I missed it kinda yesterday!

here is some food: 🥟🥟🍖🥓🥓🍖🍤🍣🍖🍖🥓🍣🍤🍣🍱

ALR CYALL LATERR