#i Might decline to answer questions abt it. but who knows

[lunar-fey]

i was tagged by @lidrens for this wip folder meme :3

RULES: make a new post with the names of all the files in your WIP folder, regardless of how non-descriptive or ridiculous. Let people send you an ask with the title that most intrigues them, and then post a little snippet or tell them something about it! then tag as many people as you have WIPs.

i dont actually have a wip folder. my entire gdrive is my wips folder. but uhh anyway lets go:

half empty or half full, either way it's just 1/2

do you regret it yet? / you ever been in so much pain you invent praying? (side story to ^)

nightmare / you find yourself in a void

hard to be a good person (when you're hardly a person at all)

heroine

dragon's son

okay lets see. im not getting 6 but 3 of those are real wips so. @composeregg @playtwewy @odysseys-blood . im sure more of you people have wips. feel free to say i tagged you <3

[itneverendshere]

hi again! so I've been meaning to send a request, but before i go about it I wish to say it's completely okay if you're not inspired by this, or if you simply don't want to write it, i would hate myself if I made you overwhelmed or smth. love you anyways 💕 so for the request: reader who's autistic. she's not very talkative nor socially active, never had a boyfriend, has one or two friends, yet somehow rafe notices her and finds her endearing. she's okay being herself with her friends, like she's funny, kind and passionate about her interests (like geek stuff, fantasy books, animals and such). she has zero flirting experience and is always dismissive towards rafe bc she doesn't think someone could like her romantically, and she's always suspicious of people bc they've wronged her in the past (in my experience as an autistic person i tend to believe everything ppl say and am kinda naive, so ppl played me or said unrealistic things and I believed them, which then is a reason for laughter, now I'm always suspicious to ppl's intentions). I'm giving you creative freedom with this, just wanted an autistic reader for once :) if you feel like writing it but need to know more abt autism, you can just post question and I'll answer in your asks, if that's okay. Just a reminder again before I go: feel free to decline this request, I know it might not be something cool to write and that's okay ☺️ love you lots, thank you for your time!

i tried my best, hope you like it 🫶🏼 and if you don't lmk so i can do better!! this was really fun since it's a compeltely new topic of inspiration. kinda left an "open" ending bc i couldn't make my mind up lmao. thank you for the resquest and sorry it took me a while to finally do it 🫂

got dreams but i can't make myself believe them - r.c

paring: rafe x autistic!reader word count: 6.9k

The party was a mistake. You knew it the moment you walked in, the thumping music and crush of people making your skin crawl. Your friends had been relentless, insisting that you needed to “get out more” and “live a little,” despite your repeated attempts to explain that “getting out” meant something different to you.

But somehow, you’d caved, and now you were standing awkwardly in the corner of a stranger’s living room, clutching your book like it was a life vest. You needed to stop letting them drag you everywhere.

It was the typical college party scene, at least the one's you'd heard or read about before. Red solo cups everywhere, groups of people huddled on couches or pressed together on the so called dance floor, and a few already-drunk guys yelling loudly in the kitchen.

This was supposed to be fun?

“Just stay for an hour,” they said. “If it’s really that bad, you can leave.”

Right. Except an hour felt like an eternity when you were trapped in a sensory nightmare. You took a deep breath, scanning the crowded room. There were people everywhere—laughing, dancing, chattering loudly in clumps—and the noise was a constant, overwhelming buzz in your ears.

This was definitely a mistake.

So, you did what you always did in these situations: you found a place to hide. After walking through the drunk college students, you eventually ended up on quiet nook near the back of the house. It was a small room, probably some sort of den or study. Blessedly, it was empty. With a sigh of relief, you settled into an oversized armchair, opened your book, and let the world outside your pages melt away.

Time slipped by as you read, the noise of the party changing into a distant hum. You were so engrossed that you didn’t even notice when someone stumbled into the room until a loud crash jolted you out of your fictional word. He nearly tripped over his own feet, catching himself at the last second with a slurred, “Shit.”

You looked up to find a guy standing unsteadily in the doorway, blinking blearily at you. He was tall, with tousled hair and a loose, easy grin that spoke of far too many drinks. His eyes were a striking blue even in the low light, and it took you a second to place him.

Rafe Cameron.

Oh, God. You knew him—well, of him, at least. He was in your sociology class, always sitting a few rows behind you with his gaggle of equally charming friends. He’d never spoken to you before, though, and you’d never had a reason to pay him much attention.

Until now.

Then his face split into a lazy grin, and he swaggered—no, stumbled—into the room, somehow managing to make even that look effortless.

“Heyyy,” he drawled, leaning heavily against the arm of the chair across from you. “It’s… it’s you.”

You blinked at him. “Me?”

“Yeah,” he slurred, squinting like he was trying to see you clearly. “T-The girl from my class. The quiet one.”

Your stomach did a weird flip, part confusion, part disbelief. “Okay?”

“Yeah.” He nodded sagely, as if you’d just confirmed some great truth. “You’re the uh, the smart one. With the books.” He gestured vaguely at the one in your hands. “Always sittin’ up front, all… all cute n'shit.”

Your cheeks burned. Was he seriously calling you cute? No. He was drunk—really drunk. He probably didn’t even know what he was saying.

“Do you need help?” you asked cautiously. “You look—”

“I’m fine,” he cut you off, straightening up as if to prove it, though the effect was somewhat ruined by the way he swayed on his feet. “Needed to get away from those idiots out there. Too many people.”

You almost laughed. Rafe Cameron, overwhelmed by people? The guy who was always surrounded by friends, girls practically draped over him like accessories? But he looked sincere—well, as sincere as a drunk person could look.

“Why don’t you sit down?” you suggested, gesturing to the empty chair. “You, um, might fall over if you don’t.”

“Pfft, I’m not gonna—” He paused mid-sentence, wobbling precariously. Then, as if he’d just made the smartest decision of his life, he plopped down in the chair, sprawling out like he owned the place.

“See? Told ya m'fine,” he said, flashing you a lopsided grin.

You couldn’t help but snort. “Right.”

He looked at you then, really looked at you, his gaze roaming over your face “What’re you doin’ here?” he asked abruptly.

You glanced at your book, then back at him. "Reading?”

“No, I mean… here,” he insisted, gesturing vaguely around the room. “At this shitty party.”

You shrugged, feeling awkward. “My friends dragged me. I didn’t really want to come.”

Rafe’s eyes narrowed thoughtfully, and for a moment, he looked almost sober. “Yeah, same.”

You raised an eyebrow. “Really?”

He smirked, a flash of the cocky, arrogant guy you’d seen in class. “Yeah, well… they’re fucking assholes, but they’re my assholes, y'know?”

You didn’t, but you nodded anyway. “Sure.”

“So, what’s that book about?”

You hesitated. “Um… it’s a fantasy novel.”

“Fantasy, huh?” He tilted his head, eyeing the cover. “Like wizards and dragons n'shit?”

“Sort of,” you admitted. “It’s about a girl who finds out she has magic and goes on a quest to—”

“Save the world?” he finished with a mock-solemn expression.

“...Yeah,” you said, narrowing your eyes. “But it’s more complicated than that.”

“Bet it is,” he murmured, his gaze still fixed on you. “You’re really into that stuff, huh?”

You shifted uncomfortably. “Yeah. Why?”

He shrugged, his smirk softening into something that almost looked like genuine interest. “You looked happy, talkin’ about it.”

Your heart did another weird little flip, and you frowned, pushing the feeling down. He was drunk. This didn’t mean anything. He probably wouldn’t even remember it in the morning.

But then, his eyes drifted shut, his head lolling back against the chair. Within seconds, he was snoring. You sat there, stunned.

What the hell had just happened?

Three days later, you were sitting in your usual spot in the lecture hall, flipping through your notes. Class was about to start, and the room was filling up with the usual pre-lecture chatter. You were just getting settled when someone slid into the seat beside you.

You glanced up, expecting one of your friends. But it wasn’t.

It was Rafe.

“Hey, friend,” he said casually, like you hadn’t left him passed out at a party a few nights ago.

You stared at him, completely disoriented. “Hi?”

He grinned, leaning back in his chair like this was completely normal. “Didn’t think I’d forget about you, huh?”

Your eyes narrowed. “I… yeah, actually.”

Rafe’s grin widened, and he leaned in closer, “See, that’s where you’re wrong, princess,” he murmured. “I remember everything.”

Did he just give you a nickname?

Your stomach dropped. “What?”

“Yeah.” He crossed his arms, looking entirely too smug. “You, sitting there all cute with your book, talking about magic and shit. Thought I was too drunk to remember, huh?”

“I—” You stared at him, completely off balance. “Why are you here?”

“Because I want to be,” he said simply. “Got a problem with that?”

You blinked, caught off guard. “No?”

“Good.” He flashed you a grin, all cocky charm. “So, you gonna tell me more about that book, or what?”

You gaped at him. “You actually want to hear about it?”

“Why not?” he shot back, raising an eyebrow. “It made you smile.”

And for some reason, that simple statement knocked the breath out of you.

“Okay,” you said, still unsure if this was some kind of elaborate prank.

But Rafe just leaned back in his seat, eyes fixed on you like you were the most fascinating thing in the world.

“Yeah,” he murmured. “I think I’ll stick around.”

The next few classes were…weird, to say the least. Ever since Rafe decided you were his new "friend," he’d taken to sitting beside you every lecture, plopping down in the empty seat as if he’d been there all along. It was confusing. Most of the time, he’d breeze in at the last possible minute, sauntering up to your row without so much as a greeting and settling into the chair with that infuriatingly self-assured smirk.

You were already seated, your notebook open and your pen poised to start taking notes when he dropped into the seat beside you with his usual nonchalance. He stretched his long legs out in front of him, casting you a sidelong look as if daring you to acknowledge him first.

“Hi,” you said quietly, eyes flicking back to the front of the room.

“Hey, princess,” he replied, voice low and teasing.

You kept your gaze firmly on your notebook. You’d quickly learned that the best way to deal with him was to pretend his presence didn’t affect you—no matter how much his proximity messed with you.

He’d spent the last three classes nudging your foot under the desk, passing snide comments under his breath, or leaning over just close enough to murmur sarcastic observations about whatever the professor was droning on about. And today was no different.

The lecture started, Professor Callahan launching into her usual detailed overview of sociological theory. You tried to focus, pen flying across your notebook as you jotted down her points.

“Is she always this boring?” he whispered, leaning in slightly so his arm brushed against yours.

You stiffened, eyes fixed on your notes. “If you listened, it wouldn’t be so boring.”

He snorted. “Yeah, right. Like I’m gonna waste my time listening to her go on about… what is it today? Class structure?”

“Yes,” you hissed, refusing to look at him. “And if you don’t stop talking, I’m going to—”

“You’re going to what?” he challenged, his grin audible in his voice.

You snapped your mouth shut, trying to ignore the way his leg brushed against yours under the desk. He was doing it on purpose—nudging your knee every so often, shifting just a little closer until the faint scent of his cologne surrounded you. It was infuriating. And yet, when you glanced sideways at him, he was looking at you with that maddening, lazy grin that made your heart stutter.

“Just pay attention,” you mumbled, cheeks warm.

“Why would I do that when I have such a pretty view right here?”

Your head whipped around, eyes wide. “What?”

But Rafe just smirked, his gaze drifting lazily up and down your face before flicking back to the front of the room as if he hadn’t just made your brain short-circuit. 

“Relax, princess. Just messin' with you.”

You swallowed, trying to refocus on the lecture. His attention was like a physical thing—intense and all-consuming. It made you uneasy. 

Determined not to give him the satisfaction, you forced yourself to look at the professor, tuning out the heat of Rafe’s gaze. Professor Callahan was in the middle of explaining something about social hierarchies when she suddenly stopped mid-sentence.

“Mr. Cameron.”

The entire class fell silent.

You looked up, eyes widening in surprise as Professor Callahan fixed Rafe with a stern look. “I’m aware that I’m not as pretty as your classmate,” she said dryly, gesturing toward you, “but I would appreciate it if you could pay attention for at least ten minutes.”

A ripple of snickers spread through the room, and your cheeks flamed scarlet. Rafe, however, didn’t even blink, he was completely unruffled and offered the professor a lazy, arrogant smile. “Sorry, Professor. Just got a little distracted.”

Your stomach dropped. He was staring at you, unabashedly.

The professor raised an eyebrow. “I’m sure.” Her tone was dry, unimpressed. “Would you mind keeping your distractions to yourself until after class?”

Another murmur of laughter swept through the room, and you shrank in your seat, mortified. His smirk widened, but he leaned back in his chair, raising his hands in mock surrender.

“Of course, ma’am,” he drawled. “No more distractions.”

Professor Callahan gave him a pointed look, then turned back to the board, resuming her lecture. You sat there, face burning, refusing to look anywhere near Rafe, but you could feel his eyes on you.

“Guess I got you in trouble, huh?” he whispered, leaning closer.

You grit your teeth, still staring resolutely at the front of the room. “Stop talking.”

“Can’t help it,” he murmured, his voice teasing. “You’re way more interesting than this shit.”

“Rafe, I swear—”

“Okay, okay, I’ll behave,” he said lightly, sitting back. But he didn’t take his eyes off you. You could feel him lingering, warm and intent, and you wanted to scream. How was he so calm? So unaffected, like getting called out by the professor was just a minor inconvenience?

You hated every second of it.

“Rafe,” you hissed under your breath, finally daring to glance at him. “Will you just—”

“What?” He leaned in again, eyes bright with mischief. “You want me to go back to ignoring you?”

“Stop staring.”

He hummed thoughtfully. “Can’t promise that, princess.”

Your heart hammered, and you squeezed your pen so tightly it nearly snapped. “Why are you even here?”

He shrugged, his expression turning oddly serious. “I like sitting next to you.”

Rafe Cameron—the arrogant, cocky asshole you’d written off as nothing more than a nuisance—had just chosen to stay by your side.

As soon as class ended, you gathered your things in record time, heart still thumping wildly. The room buzzed with students shuffling out, but you kept your head down, hoping to slip away unnoticed.

Maybe if you were quick enough, you could escape before he decided to make good on his new, annoying habit of sticking to you like glue. But, of course, he was nothing if not persistent.

You’d barely slung your bag over your shoulder when he appeared at your side, his tall frame looming over you as he fell into step like it was the most natural thing in the world.

“Heading to lunch?” he asked, all casual charm, as if he hadn’t just spent the entire class making you the center of unwanted attention.

“Yes?” You tried not to sound as thrown as you felt, but the way he looked at you—with that infuriatingly lazy grin—told you he could see right through you.

“Cool. I’m starving.” He said it like it was an invitation, like he was entitled to follow you, and before you could muster up a half-hearted protest, he was already steering you through the crowded hallway.

“Wait, what are you doing?” you demanded, glancing around in panic. People were staring, eyes widening as they took in the sight of Rafe Cameron, of all people, trailing after you. Whispers flitted through the air, curious and disbelieving, and you shrank under the scrutiny, feeling painfully exposed.

“Uh, going to lunch with you?” He made it sound so obvious, his voice lilting with amusement.

“I didn’t invite you!” You glanced at him, trying to tamp down the fluttery, nervous feeling his presence always seemed to stir up. “What if I’m eating with someone else?”

He shrugged. “Then I’ll eat with them too.”

You gawked at him. “What?”

But Rafe just flashed you that cocky, confident grin. “Relax. It’s just lunch.”

Just lunch, he said, like this wasn’t completely absurd.

You narrowed your eyes, debating whether to make a break for it, but he was already steering you toward the main quad, his hand ghosting the small of your back in a way that made your skin tingle. 

Your heart hammered as the familiar outdoor seating area came into view. Your friends were already there, sitting at your usual table—a small group of two girls and a guy, all talking animatedly. You hadn’t even sat down yet, and they still managed to look up as one, their expressions morphing from curious to shocked when they caught sight of you—and Rafe—heading straight toward them.

“Uh, hey,” you greeted awkwardly as you approached. They just stared, mouths agape.

Emily was the first to recover. “What the—since when do you two know each other?” she asked, eyes darting between you and Rafe like she was seeing some kind of glitch in the matrix.

“Yeah, what’s going on here?” Max, the guy in your small circle, chimed in, his gaze flicking to Rafe warily. “Is this, like… a project thing?”

“No, it’s not—” you started, but Rafe cut you off with a breezy smile.

“Can’t believe y’all kept her to yourselves this whole time,” he drawled, pulling out the chair beside yours and plopping down like he’d done it a thousand times before. “Thought you’d have the decency to introduce me to the most interesting girl on campus.”

Your friends gaped, eyes wide with shock. You could practically see their brains short-circuiting. Meanwhile, you were fighting the urge to smack him upside the head.

“Please shut up,” you muttered under your breath, cheeks burning.

But he just smirked, his gaze sliding over your stunned friends with lazy amusement. “What?” he said innocently. “It’s true.”

“What the hell is happening right now?” Emily demanded, still staring at you like you’d grown a second head. “You—you and Rafe Cameron?”

You sighed, already regretting every life choice that had led you to this moment. “There is no ‘me and Rafe Cameron.’ He just—he’s being annoying.”

“Annoying?” he repeated, feigning offense. “C’mon. I thought we were past that.”

“We are not past anything,” you snapped, shooting him a glare. But that only seemed to amuse him more.

“Okay, back up,” Max interjected, brow furrowed in confusion. “How do you guys even know each other?”

“Uh, sociology class?” you offered weakly, as if that explained anything. “He’s been sitting next to me.”

“Sitting next to you?” Emily repeated slowly, like she was trying to process a particularly difficult equation. “And now you’re… eating lunch together?”

“It’s not—” You looked helplessly at Rafe, who was watching the exchange with that insufferable smirk. “I didn’t ask him to.”

He looked completely unfazed by the mess he’d caused. “What can I say? I like the company.”

“Since when?” Emily shot back, clearly unconvinced.

Rafe shrugged, “Since she started talking to me.”

Your friends fell silent, eyes wide and suspicious as they turned to you, searching for answers. But you just sat there, feeling utterly, hopelessly lost. What were you supposed to say? That Rafe Cameron had decided, out of nowhere, to insert himself into your life? That he was following you to lunch like this was some sort of normal occurrence?

“Look,” you sighed, pinching the bridge of your nose. “It’s really not a big deal. He’s just—”

“Rafe Cameron is never ‘just’ anything,” Emily interrupted, folding her arms as she fixed Rafe with a suspicious look. “So what are you up to?"

“Nothing,” Rafe said easily, his smile all sharp edges. “Like I said, I’m just getting to know her.”

“Getting to know her,” Max echoed, clearly skeptical.

“Yeah.” Rafe’s eyes never left yours, his eyes gleaming with something that made your pulse flutter. “What’s so weird about that?”

Your friends exchanged looks. You didn’t blame them. This was weird. More than weird. You’d never been the kind of girl to attract attention—especially not from someone like Rafe. Popular, arrogant, and completely out of your league in every possible way. And yet, here he was, acting like sitting with you at lunch was the most natural thing in the world.

“So,” He said suddenly, turning his attention back to the group, “Are you gonna sit here gaping all day, or are we gonna eat?”

Emily blinked, snapping out of her daze. “Uh, yeah, we’re… we’re eating.”

“Good.” Rafe turned to you, eyebrow raised. “You eating, princess?”

You stared at him, “I—yes?”

“Cool. Want me to grab you something?”

You stared at him, incredulous. “You’re offering to get me lunch?”

He rolled his eyes. “Yeah, I am. Now, what do you want?”

“I—” You swallowed, glancing at your friends, who were watching the exchange like it was some sort of bizarre performance. “Um, a sandwich?”

“Got it.” Rafe pushed to his feet, his smile smug. “Be right back.”

And then, to your utter disbelief, he sauntered off toward the food line, leaving you and your friends staring after him.

“What,” Max said slowly, “the hell just happened?”

You groaned, burying your face in your hands. “I have no idea.”

The awkward lunch with Rafe didn’t end as badly as you expected.

Your friends had spent the entire time shooting you confused, bewildered looks, while he seemed to thrive under their scrutiny, lounging beside you like he belonged. He didn’t flirt—thank God—but he didn’t exactly tone down his usual cocky self either. By the end of it, he’d somehow managed to charm your friends just enough to leave them confused rather than outright hostile. Still, after that lunch, you’d expected him to lose interest, to move on to his usual crowd and forget all about his bizarre little experiment. But of course, he wasn’t known for playing by the rules.

You learned that the hard way two days later.

It was late afternoon, and you were holed up in the campus library, buried under a mountain of textbooks and notes for an upcoming exam. The library was your sanctuary—quiet, calm, and blissfully free of distractions. At least, until Rafe sauntered in. You didn’t notice him at first, too absorbed in your notes. The library was busy, students murmuring as they worked, the rustle of pages and the faint clack of keyboards filling the air. You were hunched over a particularly dense passage in your sociology textbook when you felt it—

You stiffened, glancing up cautiously, and there he was.

He leaned against the bookshelf a few feet away, his eyes fixed on you with a lazy, assessing look. He didn’t move, just watched you, his lips quirking in that infuriating smirk when your eyes met.

“What are you doing here?” you hissed, glancing around nervously. No one seemed to be paying attention, but you still felt like the entire room was suddenly staring.

“Studying,” he said, straight-faced.

“Since when do you study in the library?”

“Since now,” he said easily, pushing off the bookshelf and strolling over to your table. He pulled out the chair across from you, dropping into it like he had every right to be there. “What? Can’t a guy broaden his horizons?”

You stared at him, incredulous. “You’re joking.”

“Not today, princess.” He leaned forward, resting his chin in his hand as he peered at your open book. “So, what’re we learning?”

“We are not learning anything,” you muttered, eyes narrowing. “I’m studying. You are… I don’t know what you’re doing.”

“Keeping you company,” he said simply. “You looked lonely.”

Your mouth fell open. “Lonely?”

“Yeah.” He tilted his head, his gaze sweeping over your face. “All holed up in here with your books. Thought I’d help.”

What was he even talking about? This was insane. He didn’t just hang out in the library, especially not to “keep someone company.” He was the kind of guy who spent his free time at parties, or on the field, or wherever people like him thrived. And yet, here he was, sitting across from you in the library like this was normal.

“Rafe,” you said slowly, “you don’t even know what I’m studying.”

He shrugged. “Doesn’t matter.”

“It does if you’re trying to help,” you shot back, frustration seeping into your voice. “You’re—what are you even—”

“Okay, okay,” he interrupted, raising his hands in mock surrender. “Calm down. Just trying to see what’s got you all riled up.”

You bit back a groan, rubbing your temples. This was absurd. You didn’t need—didn’t want—his attention.

“Fine,” you muttered, turning your textbook around so he could see the page. “I’m going over Durkheim’s theory of social integration.”

Rafe leaned in, squinting at the page. “Durkheim, huh?”

“Yes,” you said, a little impatiently. “He believed that society functions through a collective conscience—shared beliefs and values that bind people together.”

“Sounds boring as hell,” Rafe said bluntly.

“It’s not boring,” you retorted before you could stop yourself. “It’s actually really interesting—he argued that a lack of social integration could lead to anomie, a state of normlessness that causes people to feel disconnected and isolated.”

Rafe stared at you for a long moment, his expression unreadable. At least it felt that way to you.

“What?” you demanded, suddenly self-conscious. “Why are you looking at me like that?”

He shrugged, a strange, thoughtful smile tugging at his lips. “Just… you get really into this stuff, don’t you?”

Your cheeks flushed. “It’s sociology. It’s important.”

“Yeah, but…” He shook his head, “It’s kinda cute.”

You blinked, your brain short-circuiting. “Cute?”

“Yeah.” He leaned back, crossing his arms as he regarded you with a casual, easy confidence that made your heart flutter. “You get all intense when you talk about it. Like, you actually care.”

“I—I do care,” you stammered, “It’s my major.”

“I know,” he murmured. “I like that about you.”

What—what was that supposed to mean? Why was he looking at you like that, like he actually meant it?

Before you could even begin to untangle your thoughts, a shadow fell over the table, and you glanced up to see another student standing there—a tall, lanky guy with dark hair and glasses. He looked vaguely familiar, probably from one of your classes.

“Uh, hey,” the guy said awkwardly, glancing between you and Rafe. “Are—are you using this seat?”

Rafe’s expression changed instantly, “Yeah,” he said flatly. “We are.”

The guy blinked, taken aback. “Oh, uh, sorry, I just—”

“You just can find another table,” Rafe cut in, “We’re a little busy here.”

You gaped at him, mortified. “Rafe, stop.”

But he didn’t even glance at you. He just kept staring down the poor guy, his posture tense and unyielding until, with a muttered apology, the student backed off, scurrying away like he’d just had a close encounter with a predator.

“What the hell was that?” you hissed as soon as the guy was out of earshot. “He just wanted to sit down!”

“Yeah, and we’re studying,” Rafe said dismissively. “No room for distractions.”

“We’re not studying anything!” you shot back, resisting the urge to smack him. “You’re just sitting here, being—being weird.”

“Not weird,” he corrected, leaning in again. “Protective.”

You froze, your mouth going dry. “Protective?”

“Yeah.” His eyes were dark, intense, locking onto yours. “Can’t have just anyone bothering you, can I?”

After the bizarre encounter in the library, you were convinced Rafe would drop this whole… whatever it was. Surely, following you to lunch and then “protecting” you in the library was enough.

So when you found yourself at another party two nights later—dragged along by Emily despite your vehement protests—you knew it was only a matter of time before he found you. Because somehow, no matter where you went, Rafe had made it his mission to seek you out.

“Come on, you need to have some fun,” Emily had insisted, half-pulling, half-dragging you through the front door of one of the fraternity houses on campus. The music was already blaring, the heavy bass vibrating through your body. People were packed in the main room, laughing, talking, drinking, the buzz of chatter filling the air.

“This isn’t my idea of fun,” you muttered, hugging your arms around yourself as you tried to avoid brushing against the partygoers. It wasn’t that you disliked parties, exactly—it was just that the noise, the sheer volume of people could get overwhelming quickly.

“Just stay for an hour,” Emily pleaded. “Please? I swear it’ll be more fun than you think. We can dance, have a few drinks—”

“I don’t dance,” you cut in flatly, giving her a pointed look.

“Okay, fine, I’ll dance, and you… can hang out and people-watch,” she amended, undeterred. “Besides, who knows? Maybe you’ll meet someone.”

You gave her a withering stare. “Yeah, because I’m such a social butterfly.”

You sighed, resigned to your fate, and began making your way through the press of bodies. After a few minutes you managed to find a relatively quiet corner in the back, near the stairs, and gratefully leaned against the wall. Maybe if you stayed out of sight long enough, Emily would give up on trying to get you to socialize and let you leave early. It was a long shot, but you could hope.

You hadn’t been there long when you felt it—the now-familiar prickling sensation of someone’s gaze lingering on you. Sure enough, when you glanced up, there he was.

Rafe, in all his infuriating glory, leaning against the wall a few feet away, his eyes locked on you with that lazy focus that made your heart stutter. He looked unfairly good, dressed in a dark button-up that clung to his frame in all the right ways, his hair tousled just enough to look effortlessly cool. And, as usual, he was watching you like you were the only person in the room.

You narrowed your eyes at him, your stomach twisting in irritation and something else. “Are you stalking me now?” you demanded, crossing your arms as you glared at him.

Rafe’s lips curved into a slow, teasing smile. “Would it be so bad if I was?”

“Yes,” you said flatly. “It would be very bad.”

He chuckled, the sound low, sending an unwelcome shiver down your spine. “Relax, princess. I just saw you standing here all alone and thought I’d come say hi.”

“Hi,” you muttered, your voice dripping with sarcasm. “Now you can leave.”

But he didn’t budge. Instead, he straightened, pushing off the wall and closing the distance between you in a few long strides until he was standing directly in front of you, his presence overwhelming.

You tried to step back, but the wall blocked your escape.

“Actually, I was thinking we could, I don’t know, hang out for a bit?” he suggested, tilting his head as he regarded you with a faux-innocent smile.

“Why?” you blurted out before you could stop yourself.

Rafe blinked, seemingly taken aback by the question. “Why?”

“Yes,” you insisted, frustration bubbling up inside you. “Why do you keep… doing this? Showing up, sitting with me, following me to lunch, acting like—like we’re friends or something. What is your deal, Cameron?”

Slowly he reached up, bracing one hand on the wall beside your head, leaning in so close you could feel the warmth of his breath against your skin.

“My deal,” he murmured, his voice low and smooth, “is that I like you.”

No. No, no, no.

That couldn’t be right. People didn't just like you. They tolerated you, maybe, or found you useful sometimes, but they didn't like you. Not like that. Not in the way he was implying. You felt panic rising in your chest, like a wave that was too big to stop. You couldn’t stop it.

“You’re lying,” you said shakily, shaking your head in disbelief. “You’re just—this is some kind of game, isn’t it? Some—some bet, or—”

Rafe’s expression tightened, his jaw clenching. “It’s not a game,” he ground out, his eyes flashing. “I wouldn’t do that to you.”

You swallowed hard, your chest aching. No, this couldn’t be happening. This didn’t make sense.

“I don’t believe you,” you shook your head stubbornly.

His eyes narrowed, “No?”

“No,” you repeated, crossing your arms defiantly. “You’re just… you. You can’t just decide you like me out of nowhere.”

“I didn’t decide,” he murmured, “It just happened.”

Your breath hitched, your heart racing. Why was he doing this to you? Why couldn’t he just leave you alone?

“I—” You broke off, struggling to find words, but before you could answer, a loud voice interrupted.

“Yo, Rafe! There you are, man!”

You both jerked back, startled, and you glanced over to see one of Rafe’s friends—Topper, if you remembered correctly—stumbling over, a wide grin plastered across his face.

“What are you doing back here?” Topper slurred, his gaze sliding to you. He blinked, “Who’s this?”

Rafe stepped in front of you slightly, his posture tense and protective. “Doesn’t matter,” he said curtly, “Go find someone else to bother.”

Topper blinked, taken aback. “Whoa, man, chill. I was just—”

“Go,” Rafe repeated, his tone brooking no argument.

Topper stared at him for a long moment, then slowly backed off, muttering under his breath as he disappeared into the crowd. As soon as he was gone, Rafe turned back to you, his eyes softening again.

“Sorry about that,” he murmured, “Didn’t mean to—”

“Why did you do that?” you cut in, your heart still pounding.

Rafe frowned. “Do what?”

“Get rid of him,” you said, shaking your head in confusion. “He was your friend. Why would you—”

Maybe you’d misread him. Maybe he didn’t actually mean any of what he said. He was probably just bored, looking for some amusement—another toy to play with for a little while.

“I wanted to talk to you. Not him.”

You blinked, bewildered. “But he’s your friend.”

He gave a half-hearted shrug. “So? Doesn’t mean I want him interrupting us.”

Us. Like there was an “us.” Like there could ever be an “us.”

You shook your head, trying to clear the fog of confusion. “But I don’t understand,” you mumbled. “I don’t get it. You don’t even know me.”

“I know enough,” he said quietly, his eyes holding yours in a way that made it hard to breathe. “More than you think.”

You frowned. It was impossible to shake the nagging feeling that he was just… playing with you. That this was all some sick joke and at any moment, the punchline would hit, and you’d be the idiot.

“You’re just messing with me,” you muttered, taking a small step back to put some space between you. “You’re bored or something.”

“I’m not bored,” he said firmly, stepping forward to close the gap you’d just created. “I told you, I wouldn’t do that.”

“I didn’t ask for any of this. You’ve been following me around, showing up where I am, saying all these things like—like we’re something, but we’re not.”

Rafe stepped closer, his eyes narrowing as he looked at you, as if he couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “What are you talking about? You really think I’m just messing around?”

“Yes!” you practically shouted, throwing your hands up. “Yes, I do! Why else would you be doing this? You’re Rafe Cameron, for god’s sake. You don’t even like me. This is just some twisted game to you, isn’t it?”

You stared at him, trying to read his face, trying to find any hint of dishonesty, any sign that this was all an act. But all you saw was that same intensity, that same focus, like you were the only person who mattered.

Your chest tightened, panic grazing at you. This wasn’t right. It couldn’t be. People didn’t just… like you. They didn’t seek you out at parties or show up in libraries to talk about sociology. Guys like Rafe didn’t choose people like you. There had to be some ulterior motive.

“You show up out of nowhere, act like I’m some project, some… someone who needs your protection—why, Rafe? Because I don’t fit into your world? Because I’m some joke to you and your friends?”

“That’s not it,” He growled, his voice defensive. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“I don’t know what I’m talking about?” you scoffed, shaking your head. “You haven’t been honest about anything. You haven’t given me a reason to believe any of this.”

“You think I’m lying? 

You moved your head again, harder this time. “That doesn’t make sense. You’re—you’re saying things that don’t make sense. I don’t understand.”

He took a slow, poising breath, his eyes never leaving yours. "What doesn't make sense to you?" 

"All of this," you replied, your voice quivering with frustration, "You, acting like you—like you actually care. Like you see me. People don’t just do that, not for someone like me. I don’t—" You cut yourself off, not sure how to finish the sentence, your thoughts spiraling.

It wasn’t just that you couldn’t believe him; it was that you didn’t know how to believe him. Your experiences had taught you to be wary, to always look for the catch, because there always was one.

Always.

Rafe's brows drawn together in something that almost looked like concern. "Someone like you?" he repeated, "What does that even mean?"

You swallowed, feeling your insecurities gripping down on your chest. "It means I’m not… like you. I don’t know how to talk to people, I don’t get things right all the time. People don’t notice me, and when they do, it’s usually because I’ve done something wrong, or because they want something from me. That’s just how it is."

He shook his head slowly. "That’s not how I see you."

You opened your mouth to argue, to say something—anything—to dismiss what he was saying, to protect yourself from the disappointment that was sure to come. But Rafe didn’t give you the chance. 

"You think I’m messing with you because you’re not like everyone else? Is that it? You think I’m playing some kind of game because you don’t fit into some stupid idea of who’s supposed to matter?" 

You wanted to pull away, to recoil into the safety of your doubts, but something in his voice, in the way he was looking at you, made you stop.

"I’m not going to pretend like I know everything about you," Rafe continued, no less serious. "But I know enough to know that I’m not bored. I don’t care if you don’t fit in with my world, or whatever you think that means. I like that you’re passionate about the things you care about. I like that you don’t put up with anyone’s shit—not even mine." A small, almost self-deprecating smile tugged at the corner of his lips. "I’ve spent enough time around fake people to know the difference."

You weren’t used to this—this kind of sincerity. It felt too real. And part of you still wanted to push it away, to reject it before it had a chance to hurt you. But another part of you—a much smaller, quieter part—was whispering that maybe he meant it.

"Why me?"

"Because you're you," he said simply, like it was the most obvious thing in the world. 

For a long, breathless moment, the two of you just stood there, the noise of the party fading into the background. Your mind was still processing everything, but there was something in the way he was looking at you, something that made you feel—just for a second—like maybe you could trust this.

You shook your head, "I’m not… I’m not good at this," you admitted, your voice uncertain. "At understanding what people mean, or knowing if they’re being serious or not. I don’t know how to read you."

Rafe’s eyes softened even more at your confession, and he took a deep breath, like he was trying to figure out how to make you believe him. "I get that," he said quietly. "And I’m not always great at this either. But I’m serious. I wouldn’t lie to you, especially not about this."

You wanted to believe him. More than anything, you wanted to believe him. But there was still that tiny voice of doubt in the back of your mind, reminding you of all the times you’d been wrong before, of all the times you’d trusted someone only to be let down.

You hesitated, your throat tight. "I don’t know if I can."

He didn’t push, didn’t demand anything from you. Instead, he just nodded slowly.

"That’s okay. You don’t have to believe me right now. But I’ll be here when you’re ready."

And with that, he stepped back, giving you the space you so desperately needed. He didn’t try to force anything, didn’t press for more. Instead, he just gave you a small, almost hopeful smile and turned, disappearing back into the crowd.

And as you stood there, your heart still pummeling into your ribs, you couldn’t help but wonder if you’d been wrong about him after all.

[swimminginyokohamasrivers]

Ooc: guys this is not related to anything at all.

But i was just thinking about my home! Yknow. The south usa! I love the south. And i really wish it was more accepting of queer people cause tbh? No, i dont wanna move out of the south. Its where i grew up and its where i got my accent from and its where i learned everything i know. Like... guys the answer for southern queer ppl is NOT to leave the south. I promise you.

I promise you that is not the answer. The thing we should do is fight for better queer rights there, too...

Also if i get one more sweet home alabama joke made to me i swear to god. Please please please please stop guys....

Also omg. Next time i get mocked for my southern accent ill cry i cant do this anymore yall. Who cares if i say "caint" instead of "cant"... who cares...who cares if i drop letters..

Giggling woukd it be funny if i started typing in my southern accent... would that be funny...

Anyway ask me questions abouts southern usa stuff because. Well. Because i love where i grow up and it actually means so much to me i swear... :( yes it has its downsides but i love it. I love it anyway.

ALSO. I always giggle when i hear bless your heart cause guys. Guys guys guys.... someppl dont quiiiite get the difference between "bless your heart (youre so sweet ily)" and "bless your heart (GOD YOU ARE SO STUPID.)" And it makes me giggle...

Oh and also also. Oops im kinda just yapping. Yall can ignore this ong but anyway. So. Southern ppl sometimes talk with a lot of nuance behind their words. Like they sometimes just do NOT say things how they mean them because. Manners are real big, yknow? Southern hospitality and all that... so i sometimes forget people cant tell that when i say "oh i dunno..." abt something im usually trying to politely decline.. sobs.. this is common with ppl i know irl i swear to you guys i swear...

@kijimha you might be the only person interested in this in the slightest... (PLEASE LET THE @ WORK THIS TIME BRO)

[official-soulriders]

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* Pinned Post ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*

woa how'd you do the sparkle thing??

It's easy, there's a website you can copy and paste them

Okay are the sparkles necessary-

I think they're fun, I don't see why not?

Guys, focus-

Oh, right. Halo, you wanna kick off introductions? This was your idea.

ok!

hi everyone, my name's Halo :) um, I'm from Jorvik! I live in Valedale and this is my horse, Buddy!

um, my pronouns are they/them

That all you wanna put?

yea

Alright, guess I'm up next. I'll try to keep introductions short too; my name's Alex, tech expert and lover of fun and chaos! And this bozo is my best bud, Tin-Can!

(She/her)

Hi everyone! I'm Lisa Peterson, up and coming music artist from Texas, but I live in Jorvik with my dad. This here is my horse and the namesake of my family ranch, Starshine!

(She/they)

Hi, I'm Linda! If you go to Jorvik High you might know me as the editor in chief of the JHS Gazette. This here is my horse and Jorvik's biggest glutton, Meteor:

(She/they)

My name's Anne Von Blyssen. If you're any amount of involved in Jorvik's dressage scene, you probably know who me and Concorde are already. I'd like to decline any questions about my disappearance a couple months ago, thanks.

(She/her)

Basically we're uh- I guess you could call us a riding club? We're dedicated to helping people around Jorvik! Kinda like charity work, I guess. But we also do fun, casual riding stuff too. When we aren't fighting off dark forces-

This blog was mostly an idea for Halo to make more friends, so they're probably the one you'll see on here the most- but you'll also hear from the four of us too, occasionally! We each have our own individual tags, too:

#🪐 speaks = Halo's tag

#⚡ speaks = Alex's tag

#🌟 speaks = Lisa's tag

#🌙 speaks = Linda's tag

#☀️ speaks = Anne's tag

(( OOC under cut ))

(( roleplay blog for the soul riders (including my OC) from SSO! i'm normal about them. my typical sso posting blog is @starbornsoulrider so go there if u wanna know more abt Halo! ))

RULES/INFO:

-light NSFW jokes are fine but nothing explicit.

-mun is an adult

-you probably know me from pkmn irl, so i just wanna say that even if you're a pkmn rp blog/any other kind of non sso rp blog you can still feel free to interact! i mean i might block for certain fandoms but i don't feel like listing them here

-magic anons are on, but depending on how I'm feeling i might delay answering them

-for ask games i kindly ask you to specify who you're sending an ask to! unless i specifically say im only doing an ask game for a certain character. otherwise i'll just pick one randomly

[gayferrari]

im sorta kinda new into f1, like watching races on the peripheral as a girl born into a #SportsFan family where we watch any sport available on the television BUT i have a question abt whether the drivers “watch film” or like analyse their competitors races as well as their own ?? like watching film is common with like others sports like basketball and like idk volleyball to like get the feel of their opponents before a match but do they do that in motorsports esp in f1? bc i rewatched the monza race and landos comments on how his front left tyres has gone and he doesn’t know why it does that made me wonder if analysing others onboards would make it better or if thhe car just really eats up the tyre? sorry if this is v roundabout but im rlly curious bc how do u rlly develop tyre management like jjabanskll thank uuu nd ur sports inputs r rlly fun and vv insightful esp with it being technical but also not rlly LMAO

"Do drivers watch film?" is SUCH a Sportsball Girlie question... I feel known and seen and loved <3 as a football fan I totally get it.

As far as I know, all teams have access to other drivers' onboards and radios, and any camera angles that are available commercially (if you can see them on F1TV, they're public). The FIA have access to all camera angles on every car, which are used to review incidents if necessary. Drivers can watch other drivers' onboards if they want to and I wouldn't be surprised if some do, but it's not very relevant or helpful in terms of improving your craft. Machinery plays such an important role in F1, and you can't just replicate something that someone in a different car with a different set-up might be doing. So much of F1 debriefs is looking at data — power unit telemetry and timing screens during the race, comparing race track data with data gathered during simulations to assess the reliability of simulator runs, things like that — compared to other sports where analysis software definitely have a place but aren't THE core part of a post-competition debrief.

Basically: drivers need to understand how to get the most out of their machinery, and looking at how others are doing is not the best way to go about that.

On tyre management specifically: tyre degradation depends heavily on track conditions (layout, temps, surface) and car set-up. Some factors that affect tyre life negatively include high-speed corners, speed transitions (acceleration/braking), harsh throttle application, bumping into kerbs etc. Being "good at tyre management" means being able to minimise these factors and driving as smoothly as possible while maintaining race pace over the course of the race <- that is the really tricky part — not just executing a great lap, but being able to pull it off multiple times in a row, as all these very fine margins add up. Usually in debrief engineers will have mapped out the track and offer feedback on areas that need more careful brake applications, ideal racing lines going into the corners and so on. It's the kind of skill that's developed my practice, and I assume sim works plays a big part as well, but there's always going to be a discrepancy between sim data and actual track data.

What I'm getting at — hoping this answers your questions: someone like, idk, Lando, would get more from his engineers giving him feedback on where he could have applied less throttle or been more careful with brakes or how he could have compensated for declining tyre grip later into the stint etc — than he ever could from watching Charles's onboard, especially not knowing the fine details and hard data of Charles's car.

Anyway! I feel like I just barely understand these things for myself so I hope this is clear! I'm gonna @toxicrivalries (who unlike me is a STEM person) in case he wants to correct something. You might also be interested in this article that lowkey breaks down some of Charles's moves in Monza — a lot of the fine work he did was about balancing the car going into the fast corners to avoid overstressing the anterior left tyre. (If this sounds super technical, it is — that's why F1 cars are fine-tuned to hell and back)

[moonlit-imagines]

Father of the Year (Part 4)

Tony Stark x child!reader

Quentin Beck x Stark!reader (platonic)

warnings:

a/n: yaddah yaddah. tony is fictional and this is an AU, dont be mad at me. yeah. i can tell already that this bitch is abt to flop, hoping it doesn’t tho

prompt:

part 1 part 2 part 3 part 5 part 6

Work didn’t feel like work with the brilliant team of disgruntled ex-Stark employees, they made you feel like you were invincible. And visible.

The way you all functioned around each other, it was like you were made for this. Sometimes you’d even burst into tears thinking about how lucky you were to be taken in by them, even if you were a Stark. But they knew you were different.

Every so often you would be extremely aware of your actions, though. You’d say or do something and think, “wait, that seems familiar,” and realize you picked it up from Tony. But Quentin pulled you aside and told you that just because you were raised one way didn’t mean you were destined to become that, and it stuck with you.

“Y/N, I need to pick your brain on this one.” He called to you from across the warehouse. You climbed the stairs and saw him diligently working on the screen.

“What’s up?” You squeezed yourself in there and Quentin draped his arm around you, something you were quite used to by now.

“Okay, so if I were to, let’s say, put a laser beam here...and here,” he pointed with his free hand and peered over to you, “do you think that would work for this drone?”

“I mean, yeah, it could.” You nodded, moving the schematics around and moved his points of interest a bit lower. “But is it a laser for calibration or a laser for cutting and burning?”

“Good question.” Quentin grabbed the bottle of water beside him and took a long sip, offered it to you (who declined) and set it back on the stool beside him. “For now, calibration.” He answered.

“Right.” You pulled the item on the computer-generated blueprints farther out and made sure it would be able to reach all angles. “That should be good.”

“Fantastic, now a follow-up question.” He smirked at you and you cocked an eyebrow, knowing he was about to ask something of you. “Could you build the prototype? If anyone could build it without a flaw, it’s you.”

“Yes, fine, I’ll do it. Just send these to my setup so I can work at my station.” You told him and watched him get right to work on that.

“Guys, come check this out! Y/N’s on the news again!” One of the team called you over and you saw the TV playing a video of you when you were younger, reporting that you’d been “missing” for over a year now. Then Tony appeared on the screen and made you nauseous.

“I haven’t been able to get in contact with y/n, no. My only hope us that they’re safe out there and they come home when they’re ready. Y/N, if you’re hearing this, I love you.” Tony told the newscaster and your blood went from a simmer to a boil. You had to step out, but just before you did, you heard:

“Miss Pepper Potts was asked to make a statement, but declined without further explanation.” It’d been a long time since you’d seen Pepper, but anyone who excused your father’s actions was no friend to you. “Y/N Stark has yet to be seen since their violent demonstration more than a year ago outside this very building.” One of the reporters recounted, which gave you an idea. Someone might as well have placed a lightbulb above your head.

“You’re in a better place now, y/n. You know that, right?” Quentin followed you away from the TV and leaned against the wall. “I know that we didn’t know each other while I was working for Tony, but that didn’t mean I never noticed you. I honestly felt bad when I saw you, I’d never seen you smile.” You leaned against the wall with him and you both slid down. “Ever since I met you, you’ve seemed so happy and free. You don’t need that shithead back in your life!” He jokingly punched your arm and you laughed.

“I think I need to make another robot.” You told him. “Just to send another message, if you know what I mean.”

“Use the one I designed, but don’t be afraid to add your special touch.” Quentin proposed, leaning you a little dumbfounded.

“Are—Are you sure? What were you going to use it for? I’m sure I could make yours first and then get to mine later, it doesn’t have to be now.” You rambled on and Quentin patiently waited for you to finish.

“Y/N, any jab at Tony Stark is a win for us. If the drone helps you, I want you to use it. We can put my stuff on hold for a while.” He assured you in a tone that you’ve heard few times in your life. “If you need me to help, I’ll be there.”

“Beck, how the hell did you create the ‘Tony Stark Hate Club’ and still manage to be one of the nicest people I’ve ever met?” You asked he crawled up from his spot and hoisted you up by the arm.

“Easy, you don’t know many people.” He shot back and you pushed him the moment you got onto your feet.

“I take it back.” You giggled and led him down to your work station. “Well, time’s a-wasting.”

—————

You had to leave base to antagonize your dad, but that was fine by you. Couldn’t risk anyone finding your fun little operation. You went alone, even as the others insisted they’d come for moral support, but this felt more like a family matter. So you drove and drove until you reached the destination, a parking garage near a park that Tony and Pepper frequented.

“Showtime.” You said while activating you newest drone, courtesy of Quentin’s mind. It booted up and flew straight out to your targets, and as soon as Tony saw it, he knew exactly what was going on.

“Pepper, honey, stay back.” Tony commanded as he faced the drone. “What the hell do you want, y/n?” He asked the drone as your lasers focused on his chestpiece, having him feel threatened enough to activate the nanotechnology.

“Oh, cool feature!” You sarcastically shouted into your mic. “Remind me now, wasn’t it my idea?”

“You know what, y/n?” Tony blasted at your robot and watched it do a barrel roll to dodge. “I was just starting to get used to you not being around. Should have stayed that way.”

“Used to?” You laughed. “You always acted like I wasn’t around...and you’ve been on TV begging me to come home.”

“What can I say? I’m a good liar.” You got sick of hearing Tony’s voice again and pointed the laser at his armor to scan for a weak point. Just as you were about to strike, Pepper jumped in the way to reason with you.

“Y/N, please don’t hurt him.” She begged you. “I know he wasn’t the best dad to you, but that doesn’t mean you have to do this.”

“I remember when he used to make you ‘take care’ of me, Pepper. Do you?” You asked her and watched her eyes widen through the camera feed. “You’re no better than him.” You actually revved up your drone and sent it full force into Tony’s head, protected only by the Iron Man armor. It was hilarious watching him flip around midair, and the bystanders seemed to enjoy it a bit, too. You weren’t done yet, but your time was cut short when a portal opened behind you and the man stepping through crushed your robot with ease. There was nothing left for you to do.

“Come on, pick up...” You muttered as you lifted the phone to your ear. “Quentin?”

“Yeah, did your plan work?” He asked immediately.

“It was going just fine until some...some guy just crushed my bot. I—I don’t know how.” You got back into your car and slammed the door, unconditionally upset that your father had seemed to win this one. While Quentin tried to calm you, another portal opened and you were tugged through, face to face with your dad. “Wha—”

“You should hang up that phone.” The man in the cape instructed.

“Shit...I have to call you back.” You ended the call and felt all the blood drain from your face as you noticed Tony standing in the room. “What the hell is going on?”

“Oh, well, my magic acquaintance needed my help with something, hence why Bruce is back. Say ‘hi,’ Bruce.” Tony told him.

“Hi...” He timidly waved.

“Anyways, I figured my help could be exchanged for a favor, that being that I get my ungrateful child to show their face again, whether they wanted to or not.” Tony explained to you while pacing around the room. “Now, what possessed you to attack me twice and run off where no one could find you?”

“You’re a shitty dad.” You blatantly told him and watched his cheeks heat up.

“Are you hearing this, Bruce? I’m a ‘shitty dad.’” He put in air quotes and Bruce looked like he didn’t want to be involved at all.

“I—I mean, I’d believe it. You might be a shitty dad.” Bruce backed you up. “I mean, the whole Ultron thing didn’t really reflect well on you.”

“Thank you.” You nodded and before you could continue this argument, there was an ominous booming sound from outside.

“We’re going to have to cut this short.” The wizard told the group.

“This isn’t over, brat.” Tony jogged outside with his people and you immediately dialed Quentin once again while checking the dangers outside. And of course, it was aliens.

“Hey, what the hell just happened?” He asked as soon as he picked up.

“There are aliens in New York. Again.” You felt weak in your knees. Last time this happened you got ditched, and I guess that was the case again, but you could handle yourself this time around.

But it wasn’t long before Tony was taken off planet and deemed missing. It was a real relief until Bruce started chasing you down.

“Y/N, wait up!” He tripped and stumbled over the rubble and you kept walking with your back turned to him.

“Sorry, Bruce. Any friend to Tony is no friend to me.” You stated when he caught up to you.

“You don’t have to go out there alone. Listen, I know Tony is a piece of shit, he’s not exactly my favorite person, and I know that he’s probably not the best dad.” That was an understatement. “But this is not the time to get picky over friends. We can help each other.”

“No thanks, Bruce. I have friends.”

—————

When you parted ways with Bruce, you were a ghost again. You stayed hidden for about two years the last time you ditched your dad, so when you dusted, not many people would know the truth.

Tony didn’t seem to mind, though. It was a load off to him—until Pepper told him she was pregnant. Then he lived in fear, fear that you would attack him with his guard down and ruin his “perfect family,” one that you’d never be apart of.

During those five years that you were gone, Tony swore that he would never teach Morgan about you...your own sister. Tony made himself out to be a victim of your hatred as if you were not a product of your environment. And now that he had a new child, he wanted to be a better father without acknowledging that he was awful the first time around.

And when the Avengers asked for his help, the one thing stopping him was that you might come back and ruin his happily ever after. The slight chance that you actually were one of the dusted was preventing him from saving half of the population.

But he got over himself and died in the process, bringing you back to a world without him in the way of your happiness. Things were not all perfect, though. You had a sister, Pepper had a restraining order, and Peter had tech that belonged to you and your long-lost team, who were happy to have you back.

This isn’t over yet.

taglist: @hc-geralt-23 // @dancing-tacos-23 // @huntective-kyeo // @angeldreifics // @coollemonsaresour // @directionerlarryzi // @babycarrot-1 // @alwaysananglophile // @rorybutnotgilmore // @locke-writes // @sweetheartliz07 // @queen-destenie // @natasha-danvers // @lokihiddles // @frostedficrecs // @johnmurphyisqueer // @teenwaywardasgardian // @pappydaddy // @captainshazamerica // @freya-xo // @ravenmoore14 // @xuxinoir // @ofthedewthesunlight // @canarypoint // @zoeyserpentluck // @randomawesomeperson102 // @brutal-out-here // @wonderful-writer // @of-a-chaotic-mind // @groovyfluxie // @procrastinatingsapphictrash // @lxncelot // @swanimagines // @randomfandomimagine // @petersgroupie // @dindjarinsspouse // @werewolf-himbo // @lost-fantasy // @legolas-with-hearing-aids // @moobrvoobl-moobmoob-oobmpoobroom // @summersimmerus // @cipheress-to-k-pop //

[night-fallz]

XY’s Muse

Based on this prompt

Like I have stated before, this is my first fanfic. Please let me know what you think of it. Any kind of criticism will be welcome.

uploaded on 01/23/21

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Ao3 // Wattpad

previous II next

Chapter 2

XY was staring at the ceiling. A week has already passed. And he still couldn't stop thinking about the day he spent with Marinette. It was the most fun he'd had in a while.

Before the whole Silencer fiasco, his father would not stop pressuring him to produce a new song. So when they met up for dinner and his dad came up with the idea of stealing someone else's music, he couldn’t bring himself to decline.

XY knew it was wrong.

But all he wanted was the chance to finally impress his dad. Bob Roth might not have the best attitude towards him, but he was all XY had left.

Xy already lost his mom. He would not lose his dad too.

At least, that's what he believed. He should've known that his father was just using him for money. According to his dad, money was the most valuable thing in life.

XY scoffed. He should've known better. He should've known that all his father thought of hi-

He felt a buzz in his pocket and his face immediately brightened. Marinette just texted him!

Marinette: what's up?

Marinette: have u been inspired yet?

Marinette gave XY the idea to just sit back and let inspiration hit him. It was a common idea but it was one that most people tend to forget in the long run.

XY: nothing much

XY: and nope.

XY: my dad has been pressuring me to come up with something tho

Marinette: ignore him

Marinette: he's just mad cause he can't get any ladies

The three dots popped up on his screen.

Marinette: OH CRAP I'M LATE

Marinette: TTYL.

XY rolled his eyes and smiled.

They've been texting back and forth these past few days. He's learned so many things about her and vice versa.

It was nice. It's been a while since XY has had a friend.

Maybe she'll be even more, XY couldn’t help but think as he ran a hand through his hair.

"Huh," XY said out loud. "Even more"

And just like that, inspiration for his next song hit him.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Marinette was thinking of a certain blonde-haired, blue-eyed musician when she heard her phone ring.

"Tikki!" she screamed, staring at her phone as if it was Hawkmoth himself.. "He's calling me. XY is calling me."

Tikki sighed and floated next to Marinette, "Maybe you should answer it. It would be pretty rude to keep him waiting."

"Right, right," Marinette answered his call and hoped her voice didn’t sound as squeaky as she thought it did.. "Hey."

"Hey."

There was a moment of awkward silence.

Marinette didn’t know what to do. She glanced at the small goddess.

Tikki rolled her eyes at their awkwardness as she gestured to the phone. Ask him why he called you, she mouthed to Marinette.

Marinette nodded. That was a smart idea. "So," Marinette cleared her throat. "Why did you call me?"

"Right, Uhm." Marinette heard him shuffling around his room. "You know how you've been asking me if I was inspired and stuff?"

Marinette's eyes grew wide and a huge smile took over her face as she started to nod before remembering that he couldn't see her. "Yep." she eagerly said, "Did you find any?"

"Yes!" Marinette could hear the excitement in his voice. "I was actually wondering if you wanted to design the outfits for my music video."

Marinette's eyes looked shocked. "Yes!" she jumped around in excitement before remembering she was still in a call with XY. "Why me though?"

XY’s voice sounded confused.. "What do you mean, why you? You're literally perfect for it. You're talented. Plus, everyone loves your designs."

Marinette’s cheeks resembled a tomato. She has never been more thankful for the fact that he couldn't see her right now.

"Thank you." Marinette managed to mumble. "That really means a lot."

"You're welcome." XY said. Marinette had a feeling he was smiling though. "I have to go and have my dad listen to the demo. But I'll text you later, okay?"

"Yep," Marinette whispered and gave Tikki a cookie. "Good luck. I know that whatever song you came up with is gonna sound good. No matter what he'll say."

Marinette heard a faint "Thanks" from the phone before the call ended.

Marinette screamed into her pillow and looked up and saw Tikki look at her with amusement. “I think I like him.”

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"So, what do you think?" XY asked as his father finished listening to his song. "Is it bad? Do you think people will like it?"

Bob Roth grinned at his son. "This is a Masterpiece. Where did you find this?" He gestured to the video of XY singing the song, "Who did you steal this from?"

XY's proud smile immediately turned into a scowl. "What do you mean, who did I steal this from?" He yelled at his dad, his blue eyes glaring at him as he grabbed the demo from the table. "I made it. I came up with it myself." XY felt his eyes tearing up. "Something you would actually know if you thought of me as something more than a money-making machine."

How could he? XY thought as he climbed up the stairs. Is it that hard to believe that I could come up with something good?

XY slammed his door shut. "All I wanted was to prove to him that I wasn't a talentless son." XY put his hands on his face. "I just wanted to make him proud."

XY felt a buzz in his pocket and immediately knew that it was Marinette. After all, she’s the only one that ever texts him.

Marinette: how did it go?

Marinette: did he like it?

XY wiped away the tears that were starting to come out of his eyes. He couldn't help but smile. Marinette certainly had an effect on him.

XY: he called it a masterpiece

Marinette: yes! I knew he would like it.

XY: yeah

XY: but then he asked me who i stole it from

Marinette: THAT JERK

Marinette: WTF

Marinette: THAT's SO MESSED UP

Marinette: HOW COULD HE-

Marinette: DO YOU WANT ME TO BEAT HIM UP FOR YOU????

XY laughed at her text messages. He only started to text her and he already felt better.

XY: no, it's fine

XY: i actually yelled at him

Marinette: ...

Marinette: do you feel better?

XY: actually, yep.

XY: he's a really sucky father

Marinette: for some reason, a lot of the blondes i know have a toxic parent

Marinette: it's kinda sad

XY: maybe it's a paris thing

They texted back and forth, XY laughing at the memes Marinette sent.

XY: You're definitely a daughter of Athena

Marinette: ( ⚆ _ ⚆ )

Marinette: is that a percy jackson reference i see

XY: yep

XY: have u read the books?

Marinette: duh

Marinette: you haven't lived til you've read the books

Marinette: sadly, the movies sucked tho

XY: I KNOW

XY: ANNABETH WASN'T EVEN BLONDE

Marinette: EXACTLY!!

Marinette: SJSJSJSJSJSJ

 Marinette: THE MOVIES SCARED ME FOR LIFE

XY: oh yeah

XY: before i forget

XY: what's ur insta?

Marinette: which one

XY scrunched his eyebrows up in confusion.

XY: What do you mean by which one?

Marinette: i have two

Marinette: one as my personal one and the other one for commissions and stuff

XY: ohhh

XY: smart

Marinette: i know ;)

Marinette: my personal one is @Mdupaincheng and the one for my commissions one if @MDCdesigns

XY switched his apps and searched up Marinette's personal instagram. He clicked on the first result that came up.

The profile picture was Marinette in a blue, silky dress that went just above her ankle. There was a slit on her left leg that showed her knee. It was nighttime and Marinette was practically glowing under the city lights. She was staring at something on her right side, with one hand running through her silky black hair which was down for once.

She looked hot.

After XY stopped admiring her profile picture, he finally noticed her follower count.

She had 200,000 followers. 200,000.

It wasn't as high as XY's follower count, that was still quite a lot.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

XY: i didn't know u were insta famous

Marinette: wdym?  

Marinette: which acc

XY: ur personal one

XY: u have over 200k followers

Marinette thought that she read his text wrong. There's no way that Marinette had that many followers. 200,000? There was no way.

Marinette: ur lying

XY: I'm not.

XY: check ur acc

It's been a while since Marinette has logged onto her personal account. The hate she got the last time she's been signed in was too much for her and when Alya told her to log out and just focus on her other account, @MDCdesigns, she couldn't bring herself to argue against her.

Marinette hasn't even thought of that account since that day. So when she logged in and saw that XY wasn't lying, she accidentally dropped her phone in shock.

Tikki looked at Marinette with a questioning look.  

Marinette ignored her kwami and texted the blue-eyes boy back.

Marinette: HOLY SHIT

Marinette: I HAVE 200k FOLLOWERS

Marinette: HOW TF DID THAT HAPPEN

XY: when was the last time you checked ur acc

Marinette: about 3 months ago

Marinette: the media thought i was adrien's gf and his fangirls came at me

Marinette: i got a ton of hate and a friend of mine told me to log out and just focus on my @MDCdesigns acc

Marinette: so i did

Marinette: i haven't thought abt that acc since then

XY: the fangirls were probably just jealous

XY: it's been months so they probably calmed down

XY: I'm looking through the comments rn and so far the latest hate comment you've got was about 2 weeks ago

XY: you've got a bit of a fanbase yk

Marinette: WHAT DO I DO

Marinette: DO I JUST CONTINUE NOT TO POST OR SHOULD I POST SOMETHING ON MY STORY ABT HOW THANKFUL I AM FOR 200k

Marinette: HOW COME NONE OF MY FRIENDS TOLD ME ABT THIS

XY: don't post anything rn

XY: post a picture of yourself and the caption it something that shows ur thankful for the number of followers u received

XY: OH

XY: a few hours before u post the picture, make sure u post on ur story abt how ur back from ur break on social media

XY: that way ppl will understand why u haven't been active

XY: it'll also have ppl prepared for ur post and they'll be waiting for u to post it

XY: that'll give u more engagement and stuff

Marinette: thank u

Marinette: that was really helpful

Marinette: when should i post something?

Marinette: AND I STILL DONT KNOW WHY MY FRIENDS DIDNT SAY ANYTHING ABT THIS

XY: u told ur friend that u were taking a break from social media right?

Marinette: yes

XY: then they probably weren't expecting u to post anything so they weren't checking ur insta

XY: u should post something on the weekend

XY: that way ppl wouldn't bother u during school this week

XY: if u want i can help u come up with ideas tomorrow?

Marinette: yes, please!

Marinette: do u wanna come over

Marinette: we can plan it in my room so that ppl won't overhear us

XY: guess I'll see u tomorrow then

XY: just text me the time ur available and I'll be there

Marinette: make sure to wear a disguise tho!

Marinette: we got lucky last time and no tabloids caught us

XY: ur right

XY: we must've been really lucky if no one got a pic of us

XY: but okay

XY: I'll wear my best disguise

XY: goodnight, princess

Marinette blinked a few times, making sure she read the text correctly.

Princess.

Marinette: goodnight ♥

previous II next

This is the first chapter of the story. Please let me know what you think

1,967 words

Tag list:

@iglowinggemma28 @mica-aa @lady-bee-fechin @maskedpainter @snnoww26 @ravenr22 @spiritofchaoticdreams @ravennm84 @heaven428 @finn-cipher @peterxwade24 @aliceofice22 @queenamongthorns @captainmac6

[the-bjd-community-confess]

More Divaz confos

Mod: Round two of these, previously: link. There’s some interesting customer reviews in this batch (5 and 8) which may be useful to readers.

1.Vic3mage "the secret bjdivaz vip group is just pictures of boxes coming in and going out". Yeah, between the bitching about d0llshe, asking people to post on doa for them, dunking on ex-customers, posting pics of random doll parts that they can't identify which doll they're supposed to go with, whining about how little money they make, whining when ppl e-mail them, whining. Yeah, other than that it's just boxes, and alpacas u can buy off amazon anyway lol.

~Anonymous

2.The butthurt users crying and guilttripping under every Divaz confession who have never been seen before elsewhere on this blog are extremely unsuspicious and unproblematic and definitely unconnected to Divaz and unbiased in every possible way

/s

~Anonymous

3.idk shit abt bjd1vas but v1cemage i can absolutely tell you the shit about ch0o is 100% accurate, fucker's got a long, long history of being an awful little man that stretches well beyond his involvement in the doll community. between the two i'd still trust bjd1vas over ch00 ch00 the fool any day!

~Anonymous

4.The Z3st and Div4s thing is really silly and both entities were being shady but did they really have to take the DZ waiting room down with them? :( He had even made a separate thread about it......

~Anonymous 

5. RE: BJD Divaz

I’ve been a customer of BJD Divaz since they first started, when it was only run by Chart3rline. I even contacted other BJD companies trying to persuade them to work with Divaz as their US representative. Most declined because they didnt like D's commission fee, but I was able to persuade a few of them.

I asked them to purchase a doll off DOA because I couldnt afford the asking price, and while they did, I found out later that instead of agreeing to purchase the seller's price, they negotiated the price to be lower. This significantly cheaper price was not passed down to me. I paid the full price +the commission fee based on that full price. I am disappointed I was not told this. This is when I stopped viewing them as a "friend" and instead, as a business. I dont hold this against them, it’s context to what Im going to say later.

I’ve stopped purchasing from D after my recent order from them. This company usually takes 3 or less months to make a doll. I’ve ordered the doll from D and it took 11 months. They let me know it arrived to them in March and that it will be shipped soon, except it only shipped on July, and only after I sent them several "reminder" emails. Before people in the comments try to put the blame on me for not sending a reminder soon, please keep in mind that I acknowledged the email in March and confirmed everything and they keep stressing to not send them emails because they are busy, I’ve emailed once every month since. I’ve since switched to ACBJD and Ive been happy with communication and the dolls ordered. I imagine ACBJD gets the same amount of emails, but they dont berate their customers if they email more than once.

I regret when people wanted a D0llshe, but not deal with him, I always recommended D. I would warn people of ordering directly and instead go through D. They assured buyers they would be handling communication and all the efforts so they wouldnt worry, except they didn’t. A person that I’ve recommended D to, who surpassed 2 years, keeps messaging me for help because D wouldnt reply to their emails. She is respectful, sweet and a timid person, not a Karen. This person, emailed D without a reply so would email a week later, only to be told that their email would be pushed down to the bottom if emailed again. No response, so she goes to FB and IG, who both tell her to email because they arent the person running orders. Finally got a response that they would get their refund, after D0llshe sends D's payment, but minus the PP fees. 3 months later and theres no refund, only a promise of them getting it later. Why is the customer missing out on fees when they have no doll? Customer emails d0llshe and he says he cant offer refund, because they didn’t order through them, which is understandable, but when all options are out for a customer, do you blame them for chargebacks?

If anyone files a chargeback, D will be blacklisting them from every company they rep, as in blacklisting you from buying direct from those companies. I urge everyone who has negative experiences with D to email the companies they rep instead of venting on confession blogs, and writing your experiences on social media. Make it count and send letters to the companies they represent, and please provide proof because they will try to make you out to be a liar.

Speaking of, they made vague posts on cl0ver singing for charging paypal fees, and that they offer guarantees as an official dealer, except when offering refunds, to non delivered products I might add, they are keeping the fees, and offered no help with d0llshe, even before they ended their dealership with them. Someone on DOA was told to not email them unless the wait time surpassed 1.5 years. They are even so petty that they post screenshots with the full name and address (dox) of the customer on purpose and then delete it out a day later as if they just realized their "mistake".

Before you try to make excuses for them about the fires, keep in mind, I am dealing with a business. The lower price negotiation with the DOA sale, I am in no way obligated to give them a pass or treat them as a friend when they made it clear that our relationship is strictly business. Their issues, are not my issues. D0lk got dragged for not shipping in time, others, including artisans, got dragged for being so late with communication and sending back refunds for cancelled orders. Why does D get to be exempt?

The supporters are the worst part of this, because of instead of being honest so D can improve, they support them for being "real". For example, look how micemage words it, to make it seem like this criticism is from one person, when there are people on addicts who didn’t have good experience. Check the bjd dealers tag here, you will see the supporters in the comments going off on any and all criticism of D. Some have sane comments, but the majority are cult like and try to identify the person venting as if it’s one person. Addicts deletes threads with criticism asking people to instead direct it to their feedback group; which lets be honest, no one is going to do because its "not that bad", and most dont want to join a new group, which is mostly dead.

This is my first and last confession on D, I’ve emailed each company they rep and told them my experience as well as contacting the 3 month wait company, with screenshots of my order, how they handled it, and the excuse they used to put blame on the company for being so late (package arrived march to D, 4 months to be shipped is on D, not the company). I’m not using company or order details because I know they are petty enough to try to identify me and publicly shame me like they have to others. This and the threat of suing is why not many people like to go public with their experience. They just keep feedback neutral, move on and never deal with again.

~Anonymous

6. Listen, I can't take you seriously in regards to BJD!vas because you're posting on a confession blog. If you were serious, you would have posted in buyer beware groups, DoA reviews or the board to get things resolved, or you would have made a complaint to the BBB. And your language makes you come off more as someone with an agenda rather than someone who is trying to warn people. If shipping is the issue, stop buying with standard shipping and pay the extra price for express shipping. I saw one of you complain that it sat with them for 20 days; that's probably because you're not the only one and they more than likely have a queue to check and then ship out. Do mistakes happen? Yes, because we're human. I've been in this hobby for a few years now and it seems like most people know you're going to have to wait, sometimes even outside the expected wait time. And shipping something as big as a doll is a timely endeavor. I shouldn't have to say that.

My point is simply to stop complaining on an confession board and either take it to the places previously mentioned. Posting here behind the anonymous mask makes you sound like a petulant child who didn't get their way right away.

~Anonymous

7.My only issue with BJD Divaz is how I never get any updates. Every email, they tell me to join their facebook page for status updates. I dont have a FB and I dont want to create one. I bought my doll through their website, updates should be posted on their website, or they could send me an email. That isnt asking much.

~Anonymous

8. Since there seems to be a lot of either "completely negative everything sucks" or "everything was sunshine and rainbows" confessions about bjd!vaz I thought I'd chime in with a neutral review.

PROS

-They were always polite and professional in their emails, and gave me very detailed answers to my questions.

-I got exactly what I ordered, so no mix ups or missing parts or anything like that.

-I think them being forthcoming about personal issues (only one person on staff, illness, the flooding isue etc.) on social media is good, since it keeps customers updated as to why there might be delays.

-If you live in the US their shipping is very reasonable.

CONS

-Reply times were varied. Sometimes it could take over a week, sometimes a couple hours.

-My order took about 10mo which, when comparing to other people who ordered through the same company around the same time, was about 3x as long as if I bought it direct and 2x as long if I had gone through a different dealer. I get some of the waiting time is out of their control, but it was kind of ridiculous.

-They dont necessarily ship the same day they send you a tracking number. I wish they said something like, "Here's your tracking number, our pickup is Xday so it should start moving after that" just so I could be aware.

All in all no major complaints. I got my doll and all that. Their lone employee is clearly overwhelmed. I hope they hire another person, if only to give the one a break.

Truthfully, I most likely won't buy through them again. I'd rather pay the international shipping and go direct, than deal with the extensive wait time. I'd still recommend them to someone looking for a very long layaway, though. I paid in full, but if I had a 12mo layaway I would've never known they weren't ready to ship my doll until month 10.

~Anonymous

[jee-ns]

(i) ladybugs. // kjn. // one-shot.

you couldn’t do anything. it was a curse you thought. all these years you’ve been through you’ve been waiting for this day. but what’s stopping you? what if you don’t want to get better. what if you wanted to stay this way. she was a miracle. that should’ve happened a long time ago.

note : this one took a long time and frankly i didn’t proof read it. and half of it might be confusing but please just hang on. i hope it’s good enough LOL. and we’ve been innactive for awhile. yeah srry abt that. OH and i started stanning gfriend idk why its kinda pathetic so im just saying i might have a gfriend fic coming up so be ready. - admin 🗣

warnings : violence, abusive behaviour, injury, blood.

words : 1.1k

next : (ii) ladybugs 

“do you need anything else master?”

you heard yehan shouted from down the stairs. her voice ringing trough the wooden walls with worn out paint on it. “no need yehan!” you shouted back out of the small crack of the door that you made. you closed it after you heard light footsteps scattering to the kitchen.

sighing while closing your eyes. i hope i wont die of boredom. you thought. there’s nothing much to do here it’s a typical suburban house in a small village. you could find it anywhere.

you sat down on the bed and wrote a letter to mother. saying that you’ve arrived safely at grandmas. but a little disappointed that she wasn’t here to greet you. you didn’t mind. that was the least she could do after taking you in before the surgery. you thanked her for keeping you in great hands.

you took a good look around the room. yehan said this was mother’s old room. the room was filled with books and old posters of some band. the walls having some barbie stickers and old photos with friends. the runned down colour of the sage green paint on the walls. you couldn’t believe your mom was into trendy stuff back then. she always seemed like a nerd who would always stay cooped up in her room with her head in a book.

the roomed looked neatly cleaned and you couldn’t complained. the sun rays through the sheer curtain gained your attention. you made your way to the window and your eyes were met with a tree. the bark has a camouflage pattern comprised of gray-brown outer bark.

‘a nice place to have a picnic’

-

the sun rays beamed through your sheet curtains. the morning breeze passed through it. you woke up to the sound of vacuum cleaning the downstair.

rubbing your eyes slowly you took a whiff of that fresh morning air in the village. your first night here wasn’t that rough. you were pretty comfortable to be honest. you wouldn’t mind staying her forever.

your feet touched the heated wooden floor with a creek as you got up to go to the toilet and brush your teeth before breakfast. as you made your way downstairs you admired the photos that was hung on the wall. there was photos of grandma and grandpa. one with mother when she was younger, and many more.

“good morning! what are you going to do today hmm?”

yehan greeted cheerfully as she placed a plate of eggs and bacon. you thanked her before setting your agenda for today. “well i just want to walk around and be familiar with the place, you know?” she nodded in understandment before smiling and going outside to water the plants.

after you finished your scrumptious breakfast you went outside and saw her trimming the bushed over the windows. “do you need help?” you offered. she paused and looked back at you, declining your offer.

you nodded and took a walk around the garden. the fences had overgrown bushes over them for privacy. there was some flower gardens here and there. peculiarly there was a single sycamore tree amidst it all.

your mouth twitched, turning into a small smile as you studied the tree. the light green maple like leaves danggling as the wind blows them. some falling off, some holding onto dear life.

a thought popped into your head as you were admiring the trees’ beauty. ‘i should grab a book and read it under the tree and do something productive for once’ you thought as you scurried back inside excitedly. atleast do something before you pass on.

you made your way to the tree with a small smile on your face. the wind grazes amongst your locks as you sat down in the big roots that over grown the ground.

after settling yourself, you got to page 4 until someone interrupted your chances of being productive. “what you readin”a soft voice said coming from a branch above you.

you looked up in shock and sat up straight “oh well you know the great gatsby” you said sheepishly with a shrug and motioning to your book. she smiled down at you and scoffed “booringg” she said while rolling the g’s.

“well what would you read then” your eyebrows furrowed as you challenged her. her brown locks and cat eyes really grasped your attention. her white and georgette dress dangling down to her legs makes her more cunning.

“i wouldn’t ... and you’re a kid go have fun. play with other kids or something.” she motioned around the garden. you looked back to where she was motioning and said “im- well i-im not interested in those stuff” with a hand on your nape and a shrug once again.

she doesn’t question tour stuttering “huh” she answered shortly after, while looking of at the garden field before asking “what are you doing here anyway. i haven’t seen you around.” you froze for a moment. why should u talk to  a stranger about your business here. a really really pretty stranger. you could either tell the truth and lie. you went with the latter

“im here to visit my grandma” she hums in understanding before jumping of the branch and landing right beside you. she sat on the tree trunk beside yours and grins. her gummy smile showing making you flustered.

she gasps and yours eyerbows furrowed “don’t move” she says as the cupped your cheeks. by now you’re already panicking. was this how it’s going to happen. under a tree in your grandma’s garden with a pretty stranger. your first kiss here?

you felt her finger slowly glide across your eyebags. you held a breath as she retreats her hands back, without her doing anything you were implying she would do. you opened your eyes slowly as if a ghost will come right at you. only to find her grinning while looking down at her pinkie finger.

“this little guy was on your face.” she said with an ear to ear smile as she showed you the small ladybug. you looked down at it and was flustered. she looked up at you and a worried look takes over her face. “are you okay? your face is red.” yes it’s red from embarrassment. i couldn’t believe i actually thought you were going to kiss me. i feel so ashamed. you thought.

you looked away and waved her off trying to calm down. “no no im fine” you looked back at her with a small smile. there was a small pause before a thunderous sound broke the silence.

you looked up and the sky was all gray with small droplets trickling down from it. you looked back at the girl. she was about to say something before "y/n get back inside it's going to rain!" yehan called out of worry for you.

[incorrect-ikevamp-quotes]

[SPOILERS FOR LEO’S ROUTE❗️] okay so i just got to the bit after leo reveals what he is, and mc and comte are talking on the balcony & comte offers to turn her into a vampire if she would like. obviously mc declines but i guess my question is, how do you think leonardo would react if mc DID agree to that offer? i am enjoying his route, but i kinda get the feeling he mostly/only loves mc because she is human :/ im interested abt what might happen if she didn’t say no? thank you v much💖💖ly lots

Aww, ily3 hun tyty 💕💕💕I’ll offer my thoughts below, I hope I can answer your questions to satisfaction! 

Ah yes, the point in Leo's route where I essentially get shot in the leg and limp through my walk of shame

Jk jk, but I think there has been a considerable degree of displeasure associated with Leonardo's line in the proverbial sand. No life with him can be spent as a vampire, MC must remain human. Despite his easygoing nature, he remains stalwart in his opposition no matter what the MC or Comte has to say. To summarize it quickly, Comte’s relieved exasperation at the end of Leo’s MS gets more across than I think any of my analysis can convey “Thank heavens one of you has good sense.” It offers the implication that he has tried to broach the topic with Leonardo out of concern, only to be met by a brick wall--or doesn’t try at all for fear that he’ll only ensconce Leonardo further into rejecting a greater future for him and MC.

As to how he would react I......really don’t think it would go well? Only because I think it would serve to reinforce the rifts that already exist in Leonardo’s self-perception. He would believe it was his own fault for pushing her in that direction, and while I don’t think he would hate Comte, he would definitely become estranged from one of his only close friends in life. (What GUTS ME about Comte offering to turn MC is that he is probably well aware Leo might beat the shit out of him, never talk to him again, or both--and he still fully accepts that he could lose his best friend to guarantee a future for both of them. Excuse me while I bawl in the corner) He probably wouldn’t hold it against Comte for too long, but he wouldn’t be any less aggrieved and hurt. And when Leonardo is vulnerable, he will hide and nurse his wounds until he can behave with some level of calm--or at the very least until he can pretend he’s okay after an initial explosion. He doesn’t feel comfortable troubling people with his own problems, so he tends to fall into silence when personal things come up. This doesn’t necessarily mean he resolves all of his emotional turmoil, or heals that fast; it only means that he wallows in those feelings alone unless they’re tugged out of him and worked through forcibly.

Basically, I see only one of two possibilities coming to fruition. The first is that he and MC would wobble only to completely fall apart if some kind of resolution could never be found. He’d continue to blame himself and start sabotaging his own happiness, and that would likely mean some level of selfishness directed at MC--resulting in anguish for the both of them. If MC takes on too much without complaint or Leonardo goes too far...I get the feeling that relationship would either end in shambles immediately, or result in a kind of twisted union in which both feel responsible for the other’s hurt but neither one can relieve it (until they’d be forced to split up before someone gets seriously hurt). They would be the source of each other’s suffering, so much so that the walls climbing between them might never again lower. 

This might sound odd, but if there’s one thing that Leonardo needs it’s control when it comes to his relationships with others. It is a subtle, but acute trait that might not seem obvious knowing his magnanimous disposition. He decides if MC gets to be a vampire, he bargains with Sebastian because he refuses to be a test subject, he refuses to validate Comte’s conclusions (despite knowing he’s right) because he doesn’t want to cede the power silence/smokescreens offer his emotional vulnerabilities. Even around villains like Shakespeare and the final serial killer, pay close attention. Shakespeare begins revealing deeply personal information and wishes that Leonardo holds close to his heart on purpose, snatching Leonardo’s agency and ability to control how his feelings are being conveyed. How does Leonardo respond? With explosive, forbidding anger--instantaneous and barely contained, nothing at all like his breezy attitude and calm.

If you think about it, it’s a fairly obvious extension of the humiliating powerlessness by which he was raised (he needs to be in control; he needs to be the one who decides who gets to walk away and who doesn’t. He doesn’t come on to MC because he wants to, he does it for the sole purpose of scaring her out of wanting to be a vampire. He doesn’t even attempt to explain where he’s coming from because he falls into whole-scale panic. When he loses control of the trajectory of others--of how they perceive certain things about him--all of his charisma fails him. If he can’t explain or justify where he is mentally, when he’s too afraid they won’t hear him or care, then he needs to redirect the opposing party). Additionally, he feels responsible; that he can better adjust the outcome with his experience--and while that may be true for some things, sometimes he gets ahead of himself. Only an individual can decide their own future and their own happiness, the most others can do is enhance or worsen aspects of life. He doesn’t have enough faith that his presence is positive or worthwhile enough to guarantee his spouse’s happiness ;-;

The other possibility I see is MC coaxing him as best she can into reassurance that she’s happy with her new life. While he may have doubts, there is absolutely room for her to help him approach those fears little by little. If Leonardo has even a hint of doubt in regards to his dismal feelings about her being turned, a potential for acceptance may be nurtured. I don’t think his uncertainty would ever fully vanish; there will always be a lurking fear that a fate tied to his can only mean suffering and disappointment. Prove his worth and compassion with time, and this man will be unable to remember how life was lived before her. It would take a great deal of patience and a sizable obstacle, but it wouldn’t be impossible. His heart is much too big for that, I think.

I don’t think happiness with a turned MC is impossible, only that it would take a lot of work to swing it after a heated moment of decision. I think the way to go with Leonardo is a more enduring effort. He shows much more receptivity after years of being together. I think time, ironically, helps him relax into the possibility of forever as a couple. I think he cannot conceptualize a world in which he is in love, and that this love is not conditional--not dependent on his ability to be the perfect companion, the brilliant inventor, the equanimous mentor. I think he needs to see for himself that love can be gentle and real and whole even when he’s at his worst (by his self-perception). 

Also I put some extra meta under the cut because I have brainworms and just can’t stop thinking about Leonardo rn so read if you like, but it’s more related to why he feels this way abt turning MC than necessarily about the outcome. 

That being said, I'm conflicted because I don't necessarily think Leonardo only loves MC because she's human? (Rather, I think it’s more a result of his history and the values he’s developed in response to that upbringing. But I’ll loop back to this in a bit, so stay tuned)

I say this for two reasons. Firstly, I don't want to say that no person in this period shared his values (I mean look at Comte)--this would be an overstatement, even if it was rare. But it does appear that Comte and Leonardo are acute exceptions within vampire society in elevating human beings to an equal status among vampires (if not a higher status at points or depending on the person). As such, a vampire partner he’d be comfortable living with is unlikely. Human beings are more optimal in some regards (more adaptable and more egalitarian than vampires, most likely), but he also knows that he’s more susceptible to falling in love with a human; so he makes sure to squash his feelings or remove himself when his feelings become too intense. 

Secondly, he's in close quarters with MC by necessity, and reacts to her isolation by virtue of the situation. That's probably half the reason they get together at all; he was fully intending to keep his distance despite his initial curiosity. One thing this signals to me is that even when Leonardo did feel attraction to any person he was in contact with, he would avoid them until they were removed from his presence--or he deflected their romantic approaches enough times for them to give up. With this in mind, it can come as no surprise that Leonardo has kept to himself for nearly five hundred years now. If it was another vampire hitting on him (especially a pureblood), he would be playing into his parents' expectations and would approach the vampire social hierarchy he was working so hard to escape. If they were human, he would deem himself a burden; he could never love them within the normal expectations of a human couple (growing old together, raising a family, etc etc). So ultimately I think it's less her being human, and more their compatibility and context.

As such, I think he just locks himself into a kind of Catch-22? Because in the end I think this is more about his own fears and insecurities--that he can never make someone happy, that he himself will never be enough (hello child of abusive home). Not to oversimplify his character, but one crucial element of his upbringing must be considered if he is to be analyzed properly.

There's something I often think about:

Comte, quoting Leonardo: "‘Not all parents love their children, or even think of them as such.’"  [Though he got away and was able to make a life for himself, he had to do it alone.]

There is. A LOT to unpack here. While we may not have evidence of what his familia is like firsthand, this description tells us...so many heartbreaking things. It tells us that Leonardo never once felt like anything more than a child intended to carry on a legacy. The likelihood that his insights, his feelings, or his entire self-hood were acknowledged is pretty much at a hardcore negative three. While it's been a good number of years since he was the problem child/family disappointment, I feel like so many of those experiences seep into his capacity to properly accept the love of another person. It's a good portion of the reason he struggles so intensely with being loved despite his unfathomable wealth of affection for other people. When a person is diagnosed with unlovable and cringe for having positive feelings for others, it's not really surprising that a person might have trouble accepting a commitment or attraction to another person. There is...a kind of Sisyphus dilemma that surfaces in the wake of that kind of life, a constant push + pull between craving acceptance and either expecting it’s loss and/or fearing it’s disappointment. Though he shows signs of healing from it, there are still portions that linger. (Jean-Paul shakes him from this self-berating in his MS, but after four hundred years he still struggles to overcome those instincts. I wish there were words for the extent to which that knowledge breaks my heart...Many say time heals all wounds, but sometimes I think only others can heal them.)

Keep in mind, I don't think his enduring fallacy that "human beings are the epitome of untainted purpose and vitality" is irrelevant or less problematic here. I just think it's a reflection of a deeper disturbance and loss. It's a reflection of his parents' unilateral rejection of the kinder parts of him; his devotion to patience and understanding. It's a kind of reiteration or what he's already known: he's doing exactly what his parents did in an odd way, he's rejecting vampirism whole-scale despite evidence of both pros and cons (just as it is for humanity). I will always offer that his fear of something going wrong during the change is completely valid--but it does feel more like a fear of admitting that vampires (and eternity for that matter) aren't inherently awful. He ran away from his parents for good reason of course, but for all his running he didn’t escape their black and white logic.

It’s funny too, because his absolutism is kind of reflected in his inability to commit to a single discipline in some ways; while part of it is that he probably exhausts study, I have to wonder how much of him oscillating is a fear of eventual failure. (Think his reaction to MC’s knowledge that he can’t dance, his mortification and utter...shock that she wouldn’t use it as a way to make him feel terrible about himself). He probably prefers to hone his skills helping people because the motivation of providing relief is a much more powerful motivator than knowledge for knowledge’s own sake. He needs the impetus, that drive to move him.

Granted, I won't fault anyone for feeling like Leonardo only loves MC for her humanity. At first glance it really did feel that way! But the more I think about it, the more I feel it has more to do with the weight of his life's experience, and the parts of himself he hasn’t been able to reconcile.

Sometimes, with Leonardo, I urge gentleness. So much of who he is disguises all the ways in which he has been hurt. While his decision is selfish and foolish, it comes from a broken place. My unhappiness will always lie predominantly with the fact that he believes to his core that happiness and self-respect is something he doesn’t deserve. 

[foryouthegays]

Egg [Dream SMP] summary and kinda liveblog but im tired so its not much

Sellout pog: 30:40, 1:41:00

Techno starts his stream in his house. He tells chat that he’ll be missing donations, and then he goes to Ranboo’s house and joins his voice chat. They talk, and Techno mentions that he might make a second house. Ranboo shows Techno his magic trick, making two beds out of one bed, and they talk about the laws of physics.

12:00 Techno and Ranboo go into Techno’s house and listen to a noteblock left by someone. They joke about Techno’s thumbnail, and eventually, they make their way over to their mailbox, which has new mail from Tommy. The book is an invitation for the grand opening of his hotel. While reading, Techno spots BBH staring at him, but he continues to read the book.

19:00 they go to the house, and wait for BBH to find them. BBH opens the door, and they stand awkwardly as they wait for him to join the VC. They talk, and BBH asks about any notes Techno’s gotten. He shows him the noteblock, and they spam it for a few seconds. BBH mentions that The Egg would love to know about the block, and Techno asks what that is. Without answering, BBH asks if Techno would like to go on a roadtrip with him. Techno asks if he can take Steve, his emotional support polar bear, with him, and BBH reluctantly agrees. They boat to The Egg and Techno sees Ranboo hiding behind a pumpkin. BBH asks if they’re being followed, and Techno denies it. BBH brings him closer to The Egg, and asks Techno to be open minded about it. Techno crafts an iron hoe. While walking around, Techno breaks some of the vines. BBH keeps insisting that someone, or something, is following them.

47:00. Once Techno and BBH reach The Egg, Techno hears a strange whistling noise coming from The Egg. He hears a echoed and distorted voice coming from it, and BBH asks if they’re being watched. Techno sees someone in the cavern, but turns around to give The Egg a piece of steak.

50:00 After The Egg responds in its strange voice, Puffy walks in and interrupts them. Puffy insists she has to talk to Techno, and they argue. Puffy asks what The Egg said to Techno, and he says that it’s hard to distinguish all the voices, and that Chat is spamming ‘egg bad’ and other such things. Puffy agrees, and demands Bad explains the Eggpire. Techno and Puffy agree that it sounds very government-y, and Puffy suggests they turn The Egg into an omelette. Techno asks what will hatch out of The Egg, but BBH doesn’t answer. He continues to insist that someone is watching him, and Puffy tells him to stop fantasizing about Skeppy and to talk to them.

When BBH realizes bribing Techno won’t work, he threatens him, which is honestly less effective. Puffy questions his methods, asking why BBH would ever threaten Technoblade, and he says that it isn’t a threat, it’s just a message. BBH leaves, and catches the person who’d been spying on them. While he catches the intruder, Techno runs, but goes back to continue the story. BBH takes Techno to Ranboo, who’d been watching them, and BBH takes him to The Egg. Bad and Techno argue about Ranboo should do, and BBH eventually decides that Ranboo doesn’t have to step on The Egg. They go to a picnic table and eat lunch together. Bad tells Techno that he’s the most powerful person on the server, and Techno asks if The Egg is scientology.

1:16:00 Bad offers to take care of the people who Techno doesn’t like, and Techno declines, because he can take care of things himself.

BBH threatens Ranboo, and they start planning to kill BBH. Techno mentions that the voices are saying ‘Blood for the Blood God,’ and Bad doesn’t seem happy about it.

Bad asks Techno to leave, and starts killing Puffy and Ranboo. Techno runs back, and they try to kill him, but he ender pearls away. During the chaos, Ranboo is shoved down a long tunnel with water at the bottom, and has no way up. Techno throws his trident down, and he starts stuttering, freaking out, and Techno starts giving him instructions, and gives him a pearl. Ranboo manages to escape, and Techno asks if he’s ok. He says he is, but is a lot quieter than he was before. Techno asks Puffy what’s going on, and he explains that Bad wants to take over the server, and that she doesn’t know what The Egg is for.

Techno decides to be pro-omlette, and Techno walks back to the house with Ranboo. While walking back, Steve almost dies, and Ranboo has to run to the house

Ranboo asks Techno about his voices, and Techno says that he can’t get attached to them, and that they’re saying ‘fire resistance.’

Ranboo says that he hears one voice, Dreams.

He talks about the enderwalk, where he isn’t in control of himself and the Dream voice tells him what he does.

They walk to the portal with Steve, and walk to the house. They end the stream after hitting the channel member bell a few times.

‘Does anyone love THEIR fans as much as technoblade’ enbyblade,,,,,

Techno explaining redstone at 7 mins is so funny like pls techno learn how to redstone

8:35 TECHNOSNEEZE

‘Why hello, bad boy halo, what brings you around here?’ Billiam voice billiam voice 20:40

26:30 whos a good boyyyy whos a good boy :D!!!! Im gonna cry i need fanart of steve n techno now

30:00 what kind of things are egg shaped? Eggs…

34:10 he just called the prison a middle school im-

49:00 egg morman

1:14:00 egg scientology

AWWWW 1:15:10 ‘techno, you dont really like people, right?’ ‘I mean, i kinda like ranboo’ IM GONNA CRY (and he mentions phil ofc gjfhksdl)

Is techno pro life? Is that what were getting out of this stream? 1:25:10ish hsdfjkghds

I cant believe they never continued to talk abt ranboos voice like cmon techno thats so rude

[oh-mother-of-darkness]

hello this isnt abt batfam or batman but i saw your age and was wondering how do i survive till 23? i am 18 now and 5 more years is very hard to survive please help

Interesting question. I turn 24 in ten days, and sometimes even I’m not sure. I guess I’ll talk about how I personally stayed alive this long before I try to give advice.

The very first thing I would say is that I am religious, and that worldview makes a difference. I don’t mean that in a “everything happens for a reason” kind of way, and as a matter of fact, I very much dislike that line of thinking. It does a lot of damage, and I’m aware that it rightly puts a lot of people off from religion in general. 

I hold two beliefs that I think are helpful in terms of survival. First, I believe that humans are by nature bad. Counterintuitive in this conversation? Stick with me. Every day, but especially at my lowest moments, I hate the things that I am. In a metaphorical sense, my mind whispers to me that I am selfish, that I am cowardly, that I think bad things and I am capable of worse. I’m hateful, I’m terrifying, and I am absolutely broken. At my core, there is something fundamentally wrong, and no matter how hard I try, I can’t fix it. 

I am disgusting. I’m several thousand evil things in a trench-coat pretending to be anything but myself, and I’m not fooling anyone. 

Well, yeah. Yeah, I’m all those things and more: manipulative, lying, self-obsessed, angry, unforgiving, and judgmental. I could, of course, go on.

Here’s the thing-- everybody is. I am no better and no worse than any other person in the universe, and though I am ever abhorrent thing, I am. I have the same dignity, the same worth, and the same life as any human anywhere. The dark things are part and parcel of my humanity, but although I am not good, I do good. 

I will never be perfect because that just isn’t possible, but I can be kind. I can be loving, I can be strong, and I can be wise. 

Shit, doesn’t that set me free?

There’s a lot more to this conversation, and the rest goes, in brief, like this: at the bottom of the darkness that is every soul, we have one great fear-- if I am truly evil, no one will ever love me. Good news on that front, there is a God who does. If that’s something you want to talk about, hey hit me up. I’ll evangelize on my own time. 

Back to it. My second belief is a kind of understanding about the passage of time, and it’s sort of hard to boil down into a few sentences, but I’ll try my best. I believe in a grand struggle between good and evil. I know the beginning of that struggle. I know the end of that struggle: that good will win. I am a part of the middle. 

I see my role in the universe as extraordinary small but absolutely necessary. I have a two-fold purpose-- love God, love humans. I interpret both as a call to help others in any way I can, and I think in the way my life has worked out so far, that’s really the most important thing keeping me alive. 

I see all of this through the frame of my religion, but I would argue that everything I’ve said so far is applicable outside of that frame, because a lot of folks get to the same place from a fully secular point of view. I cannot be perfect. I should care about and fight for other people. That’s really all we’re working from here. 

A few years back, when people asked me this question-- how do you stay alive?-- I used to answer “spite,” and that’s not untrue. I am a very angry person, and the grand majority of that anger is directed at what I perceive as unjust acts. I have a deep-seated hatred of establishments (including the established church), and you’d be shocked at how much of a motivator that can be. 

I grew up in an environment that was very intentional in teaching me to identify injustice. Though I have radically departed from many of the teachings of my childhood, the part about fighting for others was something I learned at day one, and that bit has stuck around. For the most part, I grew up in an environment where everyone was on the same page about it. 

And theeeeeeen I went to undergrad. Hello, Texas A&M. I hit campus as an 18 year old fully incapacitated by anxiety. I was the kind of person who didn’t-- in fact couldn’t-- speak in front of others. I had always lived my life in a way that minimized myself, because if I never spoke, if I never disagreed, if I never drew attention, I would never make anyone angry. I knew from experience that angry people hurt me, and I was afraid of pain. 

Then I experienced the absolute shenaniganry of conservative Texans. The culture shock sent me to space and back, and on the return trip I decided that I couldn’t be quiet anymore. 

I learned to speak my freshman year so that I could scream FUCK YOU. It was incredibly painful, and I can’t tell you exactly how I managed it other than I was angry, and I didn’t want to lose. 

I fought a similar battle on my homefront against parents that didn’t know how to deal with a daughter that disagreed, or even worse, a daughter that wasn’t okay. I wasn’t a perfect child anymore. I knew I had anxiety, I knew I was depressed, and we all knew who I blamed for that. They hadn’t been the perfect parents they thought they were. 

I found myself growing, little by little, into a person that could write and argue and hold her ground. That’s personal growth for sure, but it didn’t necessarily help my mental health. As a matter of fact, my health declined all through undergrad, and in my third and final year, I cracked.

I was desperate. I was isolated. I was flooded by fear and despair, and I was falling apart. I don’t remember huge chunks of undergrad because I was so depressed that the memories didn’t stick, but I do remember my tipping point.

It was something small. The ceiling fan in my bedroom was broken. The lighting chain worked fine, but if anyone pulled the fan chain, the whole thing would stop working. I mixed up which chain was which, pulled the wrong cord, and broke it for the fourth time. 

For some reason, that was it. I lay down on my floor and cried for an hour, and while I did, my mind went to, as the kids say, a dark place. Finally, I called my mom and begged for psychiatric medication, something I had always been afraid to ask for. At the time, my parents believed that antidepressants were overprescribed, and they mocked parents that let their children take them. 

At around the same time, I was deciding what to do with my life. I was about to graduate, and I had always wanted to be a kindergarten teacher. Instead, everyone in my life pushed me towards law school. I didn’t know what to do, but I began fantasizing, not about going to law school exactly, but about being the kind of person that could go to law school. 

I knew that law school would be entail public speaking and constant conflict and the kind of work that would be hard for a person who sometimes couldn’t leave her bed. I wanted to be someone who could do all of that, but I didn’t believe I was.

Enter Donald Trump. Post-November 2016, I struggled to understand how something like that could happen, and I watched everyone else deal with it too. I began confused, moved to distraught, then returned to what I always am: angry.

January 2017 was the inauguration and shortly afterwards, the “Muslim ban.” I read the news on my bedroom floor, and there was one specific part that stuck out to me. There were pictures of lawyers flooding the airports. There was a court case headed for SCOTUS.

I suddenly realized that one group-- one very select group-- was doing what I was powerless to accomplish. I hated establishments, and there was one group that could challenge and change them. Some people could fight in the way I wanted to, and those people were lawyers.

I have a very distinct memory of looking into the bathroom mirror of my third-year apartment and thinking, “I will be miserable for the rest of my life, no matter what I do or what career I pick. I might as well be a miserable lawyer.”

So I took my antidepressants and I went to law school. I’m not going to rehash everything that happened there in this particular post, because in this topic, I don’t think it matters. The relevant part is that I went, and I had my reason why.

Sure as hell can tell you that law school wasn’t good for my health. The last three years have been, in terms of sheer stress and despair, the worst of my life. I picked up a self-harm habit, endured consistent humiliation, cycled through six different antidepressants, had horrible relationships, and developed a psychotic disorder. Don’t get me wrong, there were good things too. I met people that are important me, and beyond that, I grew. 

I know that 18 year old me would be absolutely flabbergasted by the woman I am now, cracks and flaws included. I wouldn’t say I’m healthy or okay, but I am more healthy and more okay. I’m coming out of this mess with the institutional power I wanted, and now I get to decide what to do with it. 

I was wrong three years ago when I looked in that bathroom mirror. I know now that I won’t be miserable for the rest of my life. I’m going to be happy someday, and to the parts of me that say otherwise: fuck you. I’ve learned to say it now. 

I graduated law school this week, and this month, I’ve felt better than I ever have before. I’m singing again, I dropped two medications, and suddenly, everything is so, so funny. I’ve been laughing so hard my face hurts the day after. 

This is a huge turning point in my life, so I’ve been meditating on my past. I’ve come to the conclusion that in most of the ways that matter, I won. My family has been forced to accept what I am. I became the person I wanted to be, even though I thought I wasn’t capable of that. 

I know for sure that there will be times in my life where I hit rock bottom again, and that’s not gonna be fun. It’s likely that with my mental health issues, I will always have to work harder than my peers to get the same results. That’s unfair. 

I also know that high points exist, and I will have them. I am having them, and I will again. 

I guess in recap, I know that I have deep flaws and ugly parts, but I am at peace with that. I know that I must help others, and in pursuit of that goal, I became a person I like more than the girl I used to be. 

You have exactly the same potential. I want you to know that whatever you are now, that’s not your forever. Circumstances change, and you will change too. We’re human, you and I, and that’s an exciting thing to be. 

Your worth comes from your humanity itself, both evil and good, not the things you do or the fights you win. You never have to compare yourself to others because you are exactly the same as everybody else-- no better, but certainly no worse. You’re a person. That’s enough. 

I’m telling you all those things, and as advice, I’ll say this: get angry and fight. Fight for others. You can help them, and you should. Fight for yourself. You are worthy of respect, and everyone else should give it to you. Fight yourself. Any part of you that preaches despair is wrong. 

Find the thing that makes you angry and use it. Things are fucked up! There’s a lot to be angry about. I put it this way to my classmates, now my attorney peers: you get one hill to die on. What’s your hill? Go and defend it. 

Here’s an interesting thing, anon. Your hill can be yourself. There’s nothing wrong with that. You’re right. Five years is a lot, and all the years beyond that are more. Take your antidepressants and go.

[mugmyremarsh]

getting (back) into trading

have YOU just joined (or rejoined) animal jam? do u wanna get into trading? do you just know absolutely NOTHING about rares? cool. im gonna try help you to the best of my abilities :'D also for this ill be typing pretty damn normally just so that its legible so yea!

first things first tho! what do you know about rares? im talkin like. do u know what a long collar is. do you know what its worth.

your answer is PROBABLY at least a BIT. which is sick! good for you (*not sarcasm) but if your answer is smth along the lines of. absolutely fucking nothing to a little bit then may i suggest: reading up on the aj worth wiki. i only rlly recommend this if you dont know a whole lot. bcus the sites listed worths are not really the most accurate but they can be a good way to get a vague idea of the shit show!! id reccomend starting with rims n then working your way up cbs -> dbs -> (short wrists) -> long wrists (etc)

alright alright! next. do you know what things are worth? how many dbs should you trade for a good wrist? what shorts are fair for a green long? (lol idk why but that soundz kinda funnie)

if u dont think you know the answer to those questions then id recommend !!!! going on2 instagram unfortunately. the animal jam community is at its peak there i think (the animal jam amino can be kinda useful too).

what you wanna do there is just see what kinda trades ppl r accepting n stuff. the aj community there posts trades a LOT n theyll ask people to comment smth like o/f/u. o/f/u is outdated for some reason n they use something else. o/f/u stands for over/fair/under btw. jus checked- now theyre using g/f/l standing for good/fair/loss. so yea! most trades on the tag are for ajpw so :] i guess!

another way to learn is just through practise. what are people willing to accept and what are they declining? this one can be a bit tricky because some people are very picky with what they accept but overall? still pretty solid

btw the learning process can take about a week or so!! but also im slow.. at things. so hopefully itll be quicker for u!

finding people to trade with.

this shit is HARD. most jammers just go into aldan or wootmoos den. specific places in aldan are coral canyons, temple of zios, bradys lab (big boys only). ofc these places r only sometimes full of people. places which for sure have ppl is about any jamma township. trading parties are also popular!!

if u wanna be a cool kid u can post ur offers ~online~ main place id go to are the aj worth wikis and comment on either the item you are offering or that youre offering for ;w; makes sense right. you can also post your offers on instagram (tagged with animaljam) or the animal jam amino. i unno theyre both p good options.

actually getting shit 2 trade. well if ur gonna trade u need shit 2 trade ykno?

if youre a member, like every other person will say, i recommend the forgotten desert!! just host it or find sm1 else hosting it. it doesnt usually take very long for it to fill up. another thing- finding a group of people who will do it over and over again w you so you dont have to find new people every time.

if youre doing tfd (the forgotten desert) you wanna avoid doing the purple crystals. they waste time and u still get shit prizes from them. there were like. myths that youd get a headdress if you did them.. not true. jus do not bother w them. have your map open when you play tfd so you can see where youve already been n stuff, playing with audio helps cos youll hear a sound effect when youre able to collect a shard (useful for yellow 1z). its possible but unlikely that youll get a spike but i mean hey! i got my first spike from tfd!!! it was a yellow long! also be sure to pick up ground chests. there was a rumour that opening those would worsen your prizes which again. isnt true lol.

if youre a nm then i think people tend to recommend replaying the first adventure over and over again. i dont rlly have a lot to say abt this. its pretty simple.

and ofc :) the third way 2 get rare. the most... well i unno how to describe it but its something. ENTER GIVEAWAYS. you can find giveaways on instagram and youtube. honestly takes nothing to enter them and you have a chance of getting good stuff!!!

AAAND if youre artistic!!! enter art contestz!!! these dayz people barely enter art contests meaning that you have a higher chance of winning!!! and also! think about setting up animal jam commissions. post your art on the animal jam amino to get traction, people are more likely to see your commissions there!!! finding art contests is best on instagram though.

alright!! thats about all i have to say.. might add more in the future. but another thing. if youre trading then TRADE. offer for others peoples stuff. dont just sit in aldan and say unwanted on trd. alright. thats super not efficient!! also dont resort to scamming people? thats an asshole move.

next time! i wanna write abt how ppl subconsciously treat nms and unrare looking people while trading!!! ill link that here if i ever write it lol.

[ghost-of-a-girl]

03.09.20

Its been awhile since I've been active on this blog except for the occasional reblog every now and then. This is my safe place to use as a mental health/illness related outlet. However, things have... Changed.

- For awhile I questioned my gender. I had always accepted I was a cis girl and later that I was bi (or pan, but I prefer bi).

At some point in September Eli made a joke abt me being a trans boy and that got us talking abt how he had noticed the things I had said over the years abt presenting and genitalia without much thought abt what it meant. I thought abt the time I had been mistaken for a guy and how good that felt.

He fully embraced me figuring this out and even bought me a rather expensive realistic packer and answered any questions I had abt presenting. I still wasn't sure how to label it. Bigender seemed to make the most sense as I did, at times, feel like a girl even tho during those months I totally felt like a boy. I also didnt want to try hormones (tho facial hair would've been cool) or surgery as my body seemed easy enough to disguise (except for my height, lol. 5' for the win) and I could get away with just a sports bra and loose shirt and I actually love my body now- especially after my hips and breasts have finally developed now that my body has been out of starvation mode for 2+ years. But...

- I've recently found out it hasn't been just me. There are two others, maybe three, that I know of, also sharing this body. I'm working on getting a diagnosis (my guess is a form of OSDD as I'm sure I'm usually co-con and have only mild childhood (there were a few years I had completely forgotten trauma but a couple years of flashbacks kindly reminded me 🙃) and recent amnesia) and I really wish I had done it sooner. Ive been curious abt it but always pushed it away as "attention seeking" and didnt try to reach out to who might be there.

Now that I have... I realize poor James has been my voice of reason at certain times and I've been extremely rude and ignored him bc I always assumed they were my own thoughts. We talk a lot now. I only get minor headaches from our communication and we Haven't tried bringing him any closer to the front like we've done with the little (she actually kinda just does that by herself now that she knows it ok... She drains me, esp when she throws a fit but tbh, its 100% worth it and I love her) and already I've been a lot happier and made huge improvements in my life that have been issues for years.

Based on his name and appearance (his first way of making himself known was getting me to sketch his hair before describing what the inner world looked like already and why I was stuck where I was) I think he's been around for quite some time but either he's not sure how long or our communication still needs improvement.

Because of this I'm wondering if those months when I felt very masculine were him bleeding through, trying to help me while I rapidly declined.

- Eli and I broke up the day after Valentine's day and I have no other friends to talk to and my family isn't exactly trusted with this sort of thing. Any of it.

The URL of this blog is a line from a poem I wrote in long term in 2015-2016. ("Coward in a pillbox, ghost of a girl") I feel like I should change it but I'm not sure what to change it to. I'm more confused abt my gender identity than ever now, esp with how I seem to be mostly co-con with James and I still want him to be comfortable when he's closer to the front for long periods of time. Idk. This is all super new.

I might make a separate post describing how I discovered them and my time processing and accepting that it was real (James is very good at patiently arguing my denial, which I appreciate 💖)

So ye. I guess thats an update. Sorry its so long.

[stuclyblrs]

hi everyone !!!! i’m a rising freshman at college/uni and thinking back on the college apps process i realized that i learned a lot that i would like to share !! i was successful with my college apps so im hoping i can give good advice✨

want to see more of this series? click here for the rest of the posts !!

the basics

tbh i personally loved going on campus tours !!! i think they are a very important aspect of the application process and shouldn’t be overlooked. a campus tour can easily make or break ur college list. additionally, if it wasn’t for campus tours, i would’ve never found the ~perfect~ school 4 me

scheduling - a lot of posts abt tours i’ve seen say to try and go when class is in schedule to get the campus vibe but tbh even if u go during the summer u can still get a good feel of what the school is gonna be like i only did my tours over the summer and u can still get a rly good feel based on the campus itself and the small number of students are there !

info sessions - if an info session is offered before the tour then please try and go to it ! they provide some of the basics about a school and often have a small q&a session with the admissions officer running it

the tour itself - if you can hang around the front of the group. this will allow you to hear better, easily ask questions, and possibly overhear someone else asking a question that you might not of thought of. just trying not to constantly invade your guide’s personal space or bombard them with so many questions that they can’t give anyone else attention

ask for what you want to see - idk whose idea this was but so many tours that i went on did not show a classroom which makes no sense since you are here to learn. if you do not visit a classroom or any other facility you would like to see (for me, i made sure to visit the main libraries), then ask after the tour if you can see one! i rly did not have a problem with this and most people told me where there were open buildings where classrooms could be seen. just remember that you still might not be able to visit certain locations as most university buildings only allow students to enter (it never hurts to ask)

with this being said, pay attention on tours for classrooms. while the tour might not stop in one, there’s a good chance you could walk by one so peak through the windows (if their isnt a class in session there - dont be creepy) so you can get a feel for what they look like.

why you should go - as long as time/money permit, then you should visit every college you can. like i already mentioned (and will explain later in this post), a campus tour can help decide if a school is truly right for you. going on a campus tour also shows demonstrated interest in school which can only be a positive when it comes to applying. the school will have on record that you visited there and then you automatically end up on their mailing lists (if you can’t visit make sure u sign up for the mailing list for this same reason). even if u have unofficially gone to a school hundreds of times do a campus tour

note taking

i didn’t actually see a whole lot of other students taking notes but i felt it was important in remembering details about the school and to gather information (if needed) for the why X school essay. i had a small notebook that i would write the important things from the info sessions, the feel/look of the campus itself, the vibe other students gave, the way the dorms/classrooms/cafeteria/library looked, answers to any questions i asked, or whatever else i felt was important. just remember to give your tour guide respect and pay attention to them more than your notebook

as you can see i took note taking very seriously

asking questions

this is super important as it’s the best time to understand what a school is like from an actual student. while they are there to sell u a school, they’re still gonna be more honest then info pamphlets 

questions to ask

what made u choose X school among others?

this question is so !!! important !!!! i think this can help you grasp what kind of student fits w/ a particular school. if you end up with a tour guide who gives an insightful response, it can help reveal the values of both the school and the students. if u are like me and didnt have any top picks in mind beforehand or didnt rly know what you want in a school this can be helpful in understanding why people have their top choices and why they feel attachment to a certain school. additionally, if you are torn between two (or more!) schools when it comes to decision time, this can help u determine which school will be a better fit.

however, in my experience, many students tend to respond to this “i just had the right feeling when i visited the school” or some variation of this so you might not always get the best answer but try to get them to elaborate a bit more. for example, one of my tour guides was from london so i asked her why she wanted to go to school in america and what made her choose this school over other american colleges. while it’s not directly asking why X school i was able to get a more detailed answer to this question !

what are some unique traditions that X school has?

this ties into the previous question as it involves reasons for selecting one school over another but the main reason to ask this is for the “why X school” essay (i’ll talk about how to do these in a later post). not every school will have this extra essay, but many do so it’s important to be prepared ! this will give you content that’s more in depth and shows that you did research on the school

what’s the student body like?

are they super involved in service/volunteering? do sports function as the main social events? are people quiet and chill or major partiers?

while i talked about this in my post about researching schools, now is the best time to understand the ~vibe~ a school as. you should also observe other students around you and see what they are doing. you don’t need to ask the specific questions/similar ones that i listed, but make sure you get a general idea ! (unless of course you want to ask specifically about these things)

specific programs for your major

if you know what you would like to study, then ask questions about their specific program. (i did not know what i wanted to study, so i didnt ask these kinds of questions and unfortunately can’t offer much advice on how to ask)

ask about your tour guide’s major

if your major is not their major, they might not be able to provide much information outside of the general facts about it but ask about their major(s) ! i’m sure they’ll be glad to talk about what they are studying and it can give you a feel how the academics work in general about the school (especially if your major is within the same college/school @ the university b/c policies and whatnot will be very similar.)

@studywithanu has a guide on asking questions on campus tours written from their perpsective as a tour guide please check it out !

questions to NOT ask i can’t speak for tour guides on what they find annoying and what they don’t but just on the few campus tours that i went on i heard so much of the same bullshit questions (not trying to be harsh but some of it got to me). who knows, maybe some of these questions are only bad in my opinion but honestly i felt people could be using their time to ask better questions

what’s the difference between early action/early decision?

pal not to be rude but if u dont know this at this point then one props to u for not being completely obsessed with the college apps process as i was and two u have access to google.....it’s right there

but in seriousness, why waste your time on a generic question that can be easily found out and isn’t specific to the school you’re visiting ?? the purpose of the tour is to learn about one school not the application terminology. it amazed me how many different people i heard ask this

in case if u don’t know what the difference is i’m gonna tell u right here cause im feeling nice !

early decision - this is binding folks ! only apply ED if ur sure that your school is ur number one choice and you can’t picture yourself anywhere else and you’ll die if you dont go here. also u need to be able to afford it. the only way u can be let go of ur agreement is if the financial aid offered to you is too low (like way too low) and the cost will prevent you from attending college that’s it ! you can’t change ur mind b/c you think you like somewhere else better or somewhere else gave u larger scholarship. additionally, you submit your application (often november) earlier and find out about ur admissions status earlier (often december). note: some schools have ED II which basically is still ED, but you submit ur application at the same time as regular decision and you hear back earlier (normally february) 

early action - non-binding ! apply to as many schools EA if you want. like ED, the application process is completed earlier and you are notified of ur status earlier too. unlike ED, you are not bound to any EA school and can wait to accept or decline until their deadline (may 1st is the majority for most universities). sometimes, a school’s EA might have a greater acceptance rate due the lower amount of students but the competition might be stronger so keep that in mind ! note: there are some schools w/ restrictive EA meaning you can only apply to that school EA and no others (you are not bound to admissions tho) this is most common in the ivies and generally you won’t come across it much.

what’s the average gpa/sat/act scores or what’s the acceptance rate?

again, why waste ur time on facts that can be easily googled and were most likely presented to you in the information session

this will make you seem uninformed and ill-prepared, which we don’t want. ask the best questions you possibly can !

how did you get in/what did u do in hs/what were ur grades

while i (thank god) never encountered this on a tour, i do know people can be very upfront with asking other studyblrs/appblrs these questions - maybe it’s just due to the anonymous feature on here but sometimes people are quite rude about asking these kind of questions

while i do not think asking someone with a study/appblr what their activities in high school is bad (as we are here to discuss these kind of things), the question “how did you get in to X school” needs to stop getting asked in general b/c guess what - none of us know which little detail of our applications made the admissions officer know you’d be the perfect fit for the school

instead try asking them about their current activities (gives you an insight on how the students are involved) and if they find the academics to be just the right level of challenging 

anything that can be easily found on a school’s website

i know im basically repeating myself but if it can be found on the first few pages under the admissions section online or in any of their info pamphlets, then don’t ask it. it’s a waste of time - you want this tour to allow you to make an informed decision on if you should apply to this school. if you only go to learn stuff that you know is online (even if u dont know it off the top of ur head or haven’t looked it up yet) then what was the point of visiting at all ?

however, if you need more clarification about anything posted online (such as deadlines !) then ask away

is it right for me?

okay you’ve done all your research, visited all the schools on your list. now it’s time to ask are these schools right for me? should i apply here? there isn’t a right or wrong answer only you can determine if you should apply. since this is a bit more difficult to write clear-cut advice for here’s some examples from my personal experience

in case if you haven’t read my previous posts, the only factor i knew that i wanted out of a school was for it to be located in a big city, so all the schools i visited/applied to were in some major cities in the northeast. there was one school that i had high hopes for since it was located in the city but still had a traditional campus (hard factor to find in cities). however, upon traveling to this college, i discovered it’s on the outskirts of the city and a bit too far for my liking (i felt that if i attended i wouldn’t leave and explore the city daily, only on certain occasions if i felt like going out). additionally, i did not like the vibe the admissions officer that hosted the info session gave off. these two things were enough for me to say this is not the school for me, so after the info session my mom and i left and skipped the tour

when it came to the school that i will be attending, i only knew that it was my number one choice because of the campus tour. it was the last school i visited and while i had liked most of the schools i visited, i knew none of them were necessarily the “one” for me. they were all nice but my general reaction was just kind of okay i’ll still apply here onto the next school.... i hate that i can’t give a proper explanation as /why/ it was the right school (i always hated when my tour guides would say they picked their school based on a feeling), but yes i did have that feeling where i knew this was it. i could tell the students values aligned with mine, it was right in the city, it has an A+ study abroad program, strong academics, and more that i can’t put into words. if this doesn’t happen to you, do not be alarmed (tbh im surprised it happened to me) you don’t need to find the one for you to love your school. in fact, not having a dream school might be better b/c you can focus on your options logically and not get stuck on one school

a side note to this is my aunt always thought this one school was her top choice and that she had to go there but when she finally got a chance to visit, she absolutely hated it and later found a university that she loved (she still goes to football games regularly) don’t underestimate the campus tour !

can’t visit a school?

you still have several options to use even if you can’t visit somewhere (or even if u can these are still helpful)

virtual campus tours

youvisit - super neat campus simulation and some schools even have a virtual tour guide

campustours - also includes interactive maps

youtube channels

look for day in life vids, dorm tours, or any other content posted by students at the school + they’re gonna be more honest since it isn’t their job to sell u the school

school’s website/youtube

check the school website/youtube channel and see if they have maps or any kind of virtual tour

wow this was very lengthy so i rly hope this helps everyone ! if you have any other questions please feel free to send me an ask! my next post will cover basics to the common app so check back soon !

[jungnoir]

model!wonwoo;

okay!!!! we’re back with everyone’s favorite emo for this request

this is how i picture wonwoo looking before he glos up ignore mingyu

so okay,,, wonwoo, despite what everyone originally thinks, had no interest in becoming a model

like... at all

model was the furthest thing on his mind when he was thinking about what to do with his life

he’s never really seen himself as shockingly handsome enough to be on the cover of magazines and stuff

it’s not that he thinks he’s ugly or anything (he makes a big point in expressing he’s the hottest out of all his friends lmao), it’s just that like... the idea of standing around having pictures taken of you for your job just sounds so stressful??? like do i put my hand on my hip? do i stare into the lens?? what in the heLL?

it’s stressful for jeon wonwoo ok

but he remembers the day he’d been asked to model so very clearly

at the time, wonwoo was in school and was just kind of looking for some easy income to buy video games and food lol

he had been wandering around his local mall, seeing who was hiring and whatnot, when a woman in like a really fancy business suit who basically looked like her whole life was perpetually together walked up to him and handed him a business card like “you’ve got a face that’s a sight for sore eyes, kid. ever think about cashing in on it?”

at first he’s kinda like me??? this guy right here with the emo fringe??

but she just giggles and tells him he’s cute and he blushes so hard he has to hide his cheeks in his hoodie

“i don’t mean to embarrass you, and it’s no pressure if you don’t want to, but i’m a modeling scout and i think you’d be perfect. that’s my card, so if you decide you wanna make a lil cash modeling for my agency, give me a call and we can set up a meeting”

and then she stalks off and wonwoo can’t help staring at the card in wonder, his mind going at a million miles per hour

i mean... could he really model? would anyone think he was good enough?

but also, how much were they willing to pay for his ass to stand around for a few pictures 👀

after debating with himself for a few hours that night, wonwoo made the call the next day and next thing you know, he was standing in a stark white studio with a few dozen people rushing around with clothes in hand and props under their arms

the same woman from before places a reassuring hand on his shoulder and leads him to go get changed, telling him he’ll be a part of a simple photoshoot for a fashion magazine and that was it

the stylists start picking and pulling at him left and right, mumbling things about his build and hair and just overall making him feel pretty uncomfortable

they were shoving clothes into his hands that he knew he couldn’t afford even in his wildest dreams and telling him to get changed, before slathering his face in way too cakey foundation and shoving him into the small crowd of equally stylishly dressed models, all eons calmer than he was

he was about to chicken out completely when he saw... the photographer

you stand, holding your camera and looking over the screen at what you’d previously taken of a stringy haired blonde before you bite your lip and sigh, running a frustrated hand through your hair

wonwoo knows it’s not the Time or the Place but wow um. you’re really cute

you wave your hand absentmindedly and tell the blonde to go somewhere else, which she does with a scowl on her face

wonwoo watches as you silently stress over your photos for a moment, and the last thing wonwoo wants is to be called up for a picture only for you to be super disappointed in his lack of skill. i mean, at least these other models knew what they were doing

just as he’s thinking that, your eyes scan over the crowd for your next victim

and they land right on the shuffling boy who was desperately trying to avoid your gaze

“hey!! you!” you call, and when he looks up, he sees your finger pointing right at his chest, you a lot closer to him than he remembered you being

he jolts back a lil in shock but you’re already taking him by the elbow and leading him to the set, a certain excitement in your step

you notice the scared expression on his face so you just grin and pat his shoulder, “don’t worry, i don’t bite much”

so he quietly stands, eyes glued to your hands as they work on positioning him

every time you tell him to move, he moves

every time you tell him to turn, he turns

you’re kinda shocked that he does what you say so easily, especially since you’d been dealing with know-it-all models all day and you were growing tired

but from the moment you laid eyes on wonwoo, it seemed something was different about him

it was definitely obvious this was his first time modeling too

but he was also really good at taking cues and listening to you so in the end, it didn’t matter how long he’d been modeling in your opinion

carefully, you went back to where you’d been taking pictures before snapping a few, and when you looked at the results, your smile widens

you continued to snap pictures of wonwoo, helping him loosen up by asking him questions about his life and what he did for fun

wonwoo felt completely inadequate answering that most of his hobbies included final fantasy and falling asleep in strange places, but it seemed to amuse you so he tried to tune out his anxiousness as best as he could

and after a while, he was so calm he hadn’t even noticed how long you’d been snapping pictures of him

you had pictures of him in thought, mid-laugh, sitting on the floor, moving to stand and more and they all looked so graceful?? like you’d never seen someone so naturally fit for the camera

you decided to show him a few and his eyes widened at each one, unbelieving that that was really him in those pictures

“wow, you’re an amazing photographer” “more like you’re an amazing model” you shoot back, watching as his cheeks light up a dusty pink

in that moment it’s kind of obvious that wonwoo is someone special, even though he doesn’t really think so

there’s a warmness to him when you look at his pictures, kind of like you’d grown up next to him your whole life

eventually tho, you have to take pictures of other models, though you’re not v happy abt it :(((

wonwoo disappears to get lunch and the rest of the shoot just declines in excitement after that

when you end up seeing in the pictures for the magazine spread, you get an email back almost instantly that’s like “!!! who is that dude with the glare” and you immediately know who they mean

it turns out that the magazine is very interested in wonwoo and they start asking for more pics of him, which eventually turns into them asking for wonwoo to be like a permanent model for them

you’re really happy for wonwoo, but you can’t help feeling a lil dejected that he might end up being photographed by others and you might never get the pleasure of photographing him again-

SIKE U THOUGHT

despite the fact that he gets called back for more photoshoots, the pictures that other photographers take of him just don’t seem to amount to what his first shoot was like

at first, the photogs were like “it’s obviously his fault!!! he’s too stiff!!!” but some staff are like lol the other photographer loosened him up pretty easily so. u kno. 

snatched

and when the higher ups get word of this, they call you in to take over

and sure enough, there’s wonwoo, looking as awkward as he first did when you first met him

as soon as he sees you, he freezes a bit, but it’s like as soon as you smile at him, his worries melt into the floor and he finds himself taking the first breath he’s had since he started the shoot

they ask you to take over momentarily, just to prove a point, so you try to catch a grasp of the mood of the shoot before turning to wonwoo

you start to ask him how he’s doing, being polite and warming him up

slowly, he starts to loosen up at the sound of your voice and at the sound of every joke you make as you snap pic after pic

and yet again, he loses his sense of time when he’s with you

because soon enough, you’re showing your work to the higher ups and they find the correlation pretty easily

they decide that maybe you and wonwoo can come as a packaged deal, and it’s a weird set up but no matter how many shoots he does, it’s obvious he’s best with you

he just feels... safe talking to you

and you’d think it’d be a bigger deal and hassle for those at the photoshoot bc they have to get a whole other photographer to do wonwoo’s pics alone but in the end, no one actually cares

like the perfection and enchanting feel of wonwoo’s shoots are so good, the higher ups don’t mind the extra work

i mean he’s really stepped up his game

and even when wonwoo starts doing runway modeling, it’s always a comfort of his to know that you’ll be at the show, taking pictures of him as he walks

when he starts getting more fame, he asks you to snap pictures of him for his instagram (which has like 3 million followers but he only updates every two months lmao)

and he always makes sure to put “photo cred: y/n” at the bottom of each pic

no witty caption

just photo cred

and he tags your username in the photo like four times just to make sure

you’re also one of the few people he follows, next to a fellow model named mingyu and a stylist named jeonghan

it’s kind of funny how attached he becomes to you, even though you two only know so much about each other

like yeah, you ask him mediocre questions about himself during shoots and spill a few facts about yourself, but that’s really it

and wonwoo thinks if you’ll be working this closely, he should at least get to know you more??

so, after extremely hyping himself up, he gets the nerve to ask you out for coffee

you accept of course, thinking nothing of it

in your mind you think he might just want to talk about the future of you working together or something boring

but then he shows up to the cafe in a baggy hoodie with a backwards cap on his head and these round glasses hanging off the tip of his nose and he’s searching around the cafe before he sees you and 

he just

grins

and you think maybe the strong coffee aroma is getting to your head or something but the first thing that pops into your mind is how much you’d like to see that greet you every day

not at work, but on casual dates to the grocery store or late night walks around your neighborhood

you bite your lip to steal your thoughts away from stuff like that when he comes to sit before you, grinning wildly, “hey!! i hope i wasn’t late. i was going to take a car at first but i didn’t have that much pocket money left over for a cab”

and immediately you’re like “where does all your money go?? you’re like a top model now lmao” 

and wonwoo just shrugs “i keep what i need to survive and the rest goes to my family at home”

and you’re like 

oh

wonwoo just smiles at you and then turns to the waitress as she comes, before she starts buzzing about seeing him from somewhere and he’s shyly confirming it and taking a selfie with her for her insta

but all you can do is watch him

ever since day one, you’ve seen him become such an extraordinary model but you’ve also seen him grow into himself, and it hadn’t really become apparent

when you had first met him, he was around your age, but still quite young in himself

but over a year or so, he had become something much more

in fact, he even got along with other photographers now 

suddenly you weren’t being called in to photograph him all the time

he was carefully peeling away his cracked shell and you were watching him grow into the model you always thought he’d become

you must’ve been completely lost in your thoughts bc you didn’t snap out of your daze until wonwoo was leaning across the table, face inches from yours as he called your name quietly

“y/n? are you okay? y/n?” he asks and you jolt

and maybe wonwoo should have given you some space, maybe you shouldn’t have jumped so hard

but your head shoots up and your lips brush his for just a moment, just long enough for the both of you to realize what had happened

as soon as you do, you’re slapping a hand over your mouth and squealing an apology, your heart hammering in your chest as you think of literally any way to make the situation better

wonwoo is still frozen, leaning over the table with his lips slightly puckered as you look everywhere but at him

slowly, he sits

and you two meet eyes

you expect him to freeze up, or to ignore your gaze completely

but he laughs..?

like a genuine, happy laugh???

in fact, he’s laughing so hard that he catches the attention of other customers and you wonder if he’s like mentally ok right now or if that accidental kiss was too much for his shy self to handle

then he calms, and shakes his head, “so that’s what it took to get a kiss from you? i’ll keep that in mind”

you’re like.. bro what

“um... huh?” you manage, very articulately 

where hath you gone, oh shy jeon wonwoo

but wonwoo doesn’t mention it, just tells you that he ordered you your coffee how you like it while you were zoned out, and a few cinnamon rolls too bc boy has a sweet tooth

for the first time, wonwoo carries the conversation between you two

and for the first time, he’s asking the questions

he seems so relaxed in your presence, and it feels different now that you don’t have a camera in hand

nearing the end of the date, you mention you have a shoot to go to, and he’s reluctantly letting you go, his hands shoved deep into the pockets of his hoodie as you both walk out of the cafe

you raise your hand in a wave, about to leave, when his fingers intertwine with yours and pull you back, making you bump chests with him

“go out with me” he spurts out without a second thought, before mumbling a quieter “please” at the end of his sentence

you’re frozen solid with your hand wrapped up in his, and if you were anyone else on that street, you might’ve taken a picture to save the movie-like moment

but this was real, you weren’t anyone else on the street, and he was really asking you on a date

“sure” you blurt, tone laced with disbelief that he’s even asked the question in the first place

honestly, you’re surprised you didn’t ask first

and then that familiar, tentative wonwoo comes back, and he shyly releases your hand and backs away a few inches, giving you space to breathe as he stutters “y-you don’t actually have to, i know that was super out of line and i probably made you really uncomfortable but i just-” 

“wonwoo, damn it, i wanna go out with you” you cut him off mid-spiel

wonwoo blanches as he looks up at you, and then he’s grinning wide, his own little laugh of disbelief falling from his lips as he looks around him like he isn’t sure if this is a dream or not

“oh... then i’ll text you?” he asks, shuffling back quietly

“you better, or i’ll kill you” you warn with a raised brow, and wonwoo nods quickly, nearly tripping over himself as he waves you goodbye and goes on his way, sparing your back a few fleeting glances over his shoulder as you keep your head tucked down, fighting the burn in your cheeks as you brush your fingers over your lips, the feel of his own seared into your memory

now!!!

dating wonwoo is a bit of push and pull

there are times where he steps out of his comfort zone, tries to be as suave and confident as possible

and then there are times when he just fumbles over himself like a pile of noodles

you see him, dangling between maturity and youth, wanting to provide for his family and wanting to be the best he can be for the people he loves, but also trying to find himself in the process

he’s kind of inexperienced in the whole dating thing bc he’s been out of the loop for a while, so sometimes his pick up lines don’t make sense, and sometimes he comes off a bit cheesy, but it’s all so endearing

whenever he gets the chance, he’ll take your camera off you and photograph you instead

you always go like no!!! don’t!! but in all actuality, seeing the blurry, out of frame photos of you are more adorable than anything

you print them out and hang them up in your studio, with scribbles on the back from wonwoo like “taken at the bakery. i ordered the strawberry cheese cake, smeared strawberry sauce on my nose and pretended to get a nose bleed from how gorgeous you are” or “taken at the bowling alley. you threw the ball too hard and made a hole in the wall”

he keeps these precious moments close to his heart <3

his camera roll is just filled with pics of you or the two of you together, and he does this really cute thing where he’ll randomly write down things he loves about you in a notebook and leave them as notes in random places for you to find

like he’ll shove one into your pocket while you’re out on a date, or he’ll tuck one under your pillow when he comes over to hang

and you always seem to find them when you need them

mingyu, wonwoo’s model friend, is perpetually your number 1 shipper ok

even tho he claims he saw wonwoo first and that he has no qualms fighting you for wonwoo’s love

he even added you two to a group chat once......once

mingyu: you’re probably wondering why i called you all here today

you: ???

wonwoo: mingyu what are you doing

jeonghan: while i’m here, do any of you know where chan went? i wanted to put him in some cute overalls for his shoot today but he ran off :((((

mingyu: y/n, wonwoo, what are we naming the kids

mingyu: i’ll be the first to offer the name “mingyu” for a boy and “mingyu” for a girl

y/n has left the group chat

wonwoo has left the group chat

jeonghan: i’m serious where is he 😡

the other models that wonwoo is friends with also love to tease him

for shoots that you don’t do, if wonwoo is being a bit unenthusiastic, his friend seungcheol will yell “just picture y/n giving you a kiss!!” and wonwoo smiles on instinct

damn you choi seungcheol, now he’s red as a tomato

and jeonghan and fellow stylists seungkwan and jun poke their fun d a i l y

jeonghan: hmmmm i wonder if y/n likes you in leather or lace

jun: leather, he has to keep up the emo bad boy act

seungkwan: or lace, because he’s a sweetie 😊 and his zodiac sign is a cancer and there’s no way the bad boy act is real

wonwoo is just??/ always suffering

but you make it bearable :)

you visit home with him for the first time and his family is so in love with you

they keep making remarks about how wonwoo should be prepared to marry you and set out a future for the both of you

and while wonwoo listens, you notice his light dulls a bit

so when you two leave that night, you take wonwoo’s hand in yours and rub it with your thumb, smiling, “wonwoo, i know what your parents said but... don’t feel like you’ve got to do something you’re not ready for. parents can be a bit dramatic. i’m content just being with you like this now”

and you don’t know how badly wonwoo needed to hear that

bc he’s always worried that you’re too good for him, that he’s way in over his head

even though he’s been modeling for a while now and has gotten somewhat used to the life, he still feels like the average, everyday college kid who was looking for a job in a mall, and it feels like just yesterday

he doesn’t see himself as anything more than his mother’s child and another guy

so sometimes... he feels the world he found you in is the world he has to stay in

but you remind him, in small reassurances and gentle touches, that he deserves you just as much as you deserve him

and that at the end of the day, it isn’t y/n, the talented photographer or wonwoo, the heart throb model

it’s y/n, the person who loves wonwoo and wonwoo, the person who loves y/n

and as long as you love him, he knows he’ll do anything to stay as the person who deserves you and the life he’s building with you