#i DON'T REMEMBER anymore what its like to have any fucking goal in life that isn't making it till the end of the year/semester

[spitzobsessed]

Why my parents think I want to drop out of university and go work for a year (or two. Or three): lazyness, naivety, video games.

Why I want to drop out of university and go work: money, financial (partly) independence, mental health, video games.

[vorpalfae]

Trigger Warning: Rare Illness/Health Issues [wasn't sure if this need a tw but these topics make some ppl uncomfy so i wanted to be considerate anyway💜]

so a lot of ppl have been asking me why i don't post pics anymore or why i have barely been on social media compared to how i used to be. and the reason is i've been having severe health issues for a very long time. i can't even remember the last time i went more than a month without feeling nauseous, or actually throwing up, or just having headaches and stomach pain that are so bad i can barely tolerate them.

i've known for a while that i have gastritis, but my mom & my bf convinced me to go to a new doctor for a second opinion. after months & months of pure agony and feeling exhausted and sick to the point where i have no energy, i finally know why. i went to a specialist and discovered i have a rare illness called CVS (Cyclic vomiting syndrome). and i also am lactose intolerant which was amplifying my symptoms because i eat dairy products constantly.

i am going to be starting treatment for it and i really hope it improves my life and my ability to function because i am so tired of "living" like this. just existing has been exhausting and painful. i literally haven't been able to accomplish any of the goals i have because i can't go more than a few days without feeling horrible.

i already feel useless because i'm autistic and i have bipolar 1 and i'm waiting on disability payments to come through because i am unable to work with my disabilities. so my bf has been working and doing his best to take care of me and our kids. i just feel so horrible and guilty all the time. and i genuinely didn't know why i feel sick 24/7. all i want is to feel like myself again. and to do all the things i miss doing. i feel like i'm trapped by this illness.

i'm grateful to have answers and know what i'm dealing with finally. but after suffering like this almost every single day for so long its so hard to feel hopeful for the future at this point. i'm literally in tears as i type this. its just been really bad. i never do my makeup anymore or feel good about myself. i can barely move sometimes because the pain in my stomach is so bad or i get pain in my throat from vomiting for hours at a time, and then i get MORE pain from dry heaving due to not being able to hold down any food. and then i get random migraines and headaches that last all day as a result of all of that. its taking a huge toll on my body and my mental health. my depression gets worse during the winter season so when this started getting really bad it just made my mental health a million times worse. its literal hell.

but yeah thats why i haven't been online. real life is hard enough and i haven't been motivated to post because of the hell i'm going through or a lot of the time i physically CAN'T make content. but i'm going to keep trying. i'm going to do every fucking thing my doctors tell me to do because im so fed up with suffering. i promise that i will make content again and post the things i create and other stuff i used to post about before i stopped being able to function. as soon as i start to feel semi normal or at least well enough to do daily activities and complete even small goals, i will post about it. i'll keep u guys updated.

i appreciate every single person who follows me and my content, and all the ppl who keep checking up on me and wondering where the fuck i went. i love you guys so much�� and i'm so sorry to all the ppl who haven't heard from me. if i can gain at least a little bit of my physical strength and health back, i will be so happy. i also am trying to get vitamins prescribed to me because im severely lacking nutrients but they are so expensive and i can't afford them out of pocket until i get my disability money. i'm also anemic and have to start taking iron supplements again. i'm just a giant ball of health issues😭 its actually ridiculous how bad my health has been. but i'm a mom and for that reason i will never stop trying. i will do whatever it takes to get better. i don't think my health could get much worse than it is currently. hopefully i didn't just jinx myself by saying that😭

sorry for the super long explanation, i just have sooo many messages in my inbox and questions that you guys send me that i haven't answered. i don't want to leave u in the dark. the connections i've made on this silly little blog mean the world to me. and everything i've been going through has been so hard to explain. but since i recently got a REAL answer as to why i'm suffering so much, i felt it was a good time to let you guys know what is going on with me. like i said, when i am able to feel somewhat normal again i will post consistently and re-open my shop too! it sucks so bad having a passion for creating but being too sick to even get out of bed other than to get sick in the bathroom. i've been to the emergency room more times this month than i have in the last 4 years. if i can overcome this awfulness i will not take it for granted. i will work harder than i ever have to create and share it with the world. but for now i just have to sit back and do whatever my doctors tell me to do and hope to god that it helps me 😞

[dominoblues]

Seto's behavior throughout the manga/anime and DSOD is perfectly understandable if you realize that this teenager never had a chance to behave like one.

I remember when i was 15, 16, 17 years old growing up in an abusive environment and dealing with such a delicate moment of our lives, my only means to vent was to get angry at my mom, to scream, to say horrible things too. But it was all part of the process to grow up, to detach myself from those toxic bonds, to build up my own personality. I had the freedom to do that, luckily.

Seto didn't. He had it for the worse. Being orphan meant for him to be the 'adult' who takes care of his brother, so he found himself in the position to actually start thinking like an adult (whatever that meant for him). Something that i consider against nature itself. A kid has to be a kid. Has to live like a kid and fuck responsibilities. There will be time for those. Not for Seto.

On one hand he had to deal with the pain and anger of being alone in a moment of life where parent's guidance should be mandatory. On the other, he couldn't even show his suffering because the idea of Mokuba seeing him as 'weak' was intolerable. And as a cruel joke of fate, things got only worse.

Growing up in a strict and violent environment meant for him to devise ways and strategies to survive to the best of his abilities. There’s a thing that happens when you grow up under the thumb of an egotistical megalomaniac person (unfortunately i had some experience with this): your entire personality gets crushed under their authority. You don't have the strength to fight (this is in fact what an authoritarian person wants: to cut away any chances of rebellion. It has happened historically with slaves too). Your only thought is to survive.

Seto didn't have a mean to focus is rage on. Or, worse, he focused everything he felt on his hatred of Gozaburo, turning him into his archenemy, and on the idea of revenge, of finding a way to win with his genius over his adoptive father. Still, that's not what a teenager should do. Hate blackens a person's soul, it makes you fall into a dark path which will be very difficult and painful to get out from.

Cherry on top: Seto acts on his plans of revenge but they take a turn he didn't mean for. He witnesses his archenemy killing himself. After spending five years trying to grasp himself on the only thing that would make him go on every day, he loses it. He loses the only thing that have kept him going. He loses the center of his hate. Can you imagine how horrible all of that must have felt on the mind of a fifteen years old boy? It was like losing every reason to keep fighting. Every reason to keep living.

And he didn't have anyone, anymore, to be angry at, to vent to like you would expect from a perfectly healthy teenager. Except his brother. Not because he wanted. But because he needed to. Mokuba was the only other human being there with him, so it's really no surprise that he was unfortunately the one who had to become a vessel for Seto's frustration and anger, the one upon which Seto had to toss all his dark emotions.

I still believe it was an act of self preservation on Seto's part. If Seto hadn't done that, the only alternative for him was probably death. This is where the path of obsession starts. Now the only goal that Seto has, it's to be the best at every thing. To always be the winner. Again, this is not what a sixteen years old boy should think about.

So when Yugi/Atem comes along and manages to beat him when Seto thought he was unbeatable, this starts a downward spiral of madness throughout death-T that has its conclusion in the mind crush. I think the mind crush is a metaphor of death. Seto's defeat in death-T was actually the death of his old self (to lose is to die, after all).

What i find interesting is that the mind crush didn't cure him of his obsession to win over Yugi/Atem. And i think the reason for this is in fact his own (not so positive) way to be a teenager and to deal with his issues. I feel like the constant approval he is looking for from Atem is not different from that of a young boy or girl to look for approval and/or acceptance in others while growing up. it's part of the shaping your own way with your own rules. It could go sideways if you do not receive the right guidance.

Which I think is what happened to Seto in DSOD. Once again, life deprived him of his only purpose: challege and win against Atem. He inevitably reverted to the state he was when Gozaburo died, culminating in him leaving for the afterlife. I think Transcend Game makes this clearer. There Seto stated first, "I'll enter duel links and rule over it as a king." A few pages after, he stated, "I'll challenge him again and put an end to the dead king", and after that, "If that place is endless darkness I will assume that darkness myself". He was clearly set on a path of self-destruction.

Again, I think the theme of death/rebirth applies here too, but in a different way. In DSOD Seto in the end accepted the loss to Yugi. He had in fact moved on. Which for him could only mean that loss was not a reason to die anymore. I think the only reason he left for the afterlife, was not over an obsession to win but to challenge Atem as a final step to put everything behind and being reborn again.

A transition from an angry teenager to an adult. In a not so mentally stable way, but well he had to deal with the tools that were at his disposal. He's Seto Kaiba for a reason.

This is my take out of Seto's actions. Maybe it's a projection of my feelings because i went through a similar path too in the past. I wish he had a better life.

[aaeds]

I've had it with HS^2

I don't make fanart or content for this fandom anymore, but after putting on "Let's Read Homestuck" in the background while I've been working I've returned to having a few Alpha kid WIPs. I have also returned to scouring the tags for cool fanart and opinions.

This is not the fandom I remember back when I was reading the comic partway through Act 2.

I cannot say I'm inspired by Homestuck^2, and to roughly quote another user - I don't know who the audience for this comic is for. The epilogues themselves were a disaster and the Candy/Meat timeline idea appears to exist to create even more drama with lackluster stakes.

There's no real clear 'goal' or core to the story besides...the fact there are two universes. And we have Ultimate-self villains.

It reads like bad fanfiction, that's nothing new - the problem is I don't think the authors are writing with irony. The series has turned into a ship-heavy metal bat beating older fans to death with teen drama and character assassination.

The current team clearly has no interest or plans for Jade for example, and in the recent update with Aradia and Robo-Dave discussing time travel - it really seemed like her body being on the floor was an excellent time to rehash several existential conversation points we ALREADY had in the original Homestuck about stable timeloops, dead Daves and how he uses his Godtier powers.

Outside of several unnecessary pages of dialogue, it was disturbing that no part of Ultimate Dave would help move Jade off the fucking floor while he and Aradia sleep in lawn chairs watching her until she became 'The Muse' It is so out of character. Pre-retcon Dave died protecting her body, Davesprite destroyed his relationship with both John and Jade knowing they would be reunited with the 'real' Dave. He was a true knight when he felt it was appropriate and mattered. But now we have a Dave who is back to having an existential crisis about his powers, life and death - and his sexuality. By bringing up dead Dave's Marriage from the epilogues. He didn't even mention Jade by name, presuming the reader read at least the wiki article on the disastrous self indulgent mess.

But that was all he had to say on that dead Dave. Just about not loving Jade. No one else, doesn't even bring up Karkat or Terezi, let alone any of his friends. Talking about Sollux for half a second I'm convinced was just to bring up a failed marriage and apparently 'not wanting to be gay'? This isn't Dave anymore, and if that's the point I want to know why we as readers should care because I promise you coming fresh off Act 6 for the third time these are not the same characters. Davepeta had a better outlook on what it means to experience doomed selves, whether they were chipper about it because of Nepeta's influence is neither here nor there. No matter what Davesprite did, it was in character for what Dave would have done because he knows himself. When it meant self sabotage so his friends could go back to the Alpha timeline Dave, that was a circumstance, and an act any Dave would have made because of the way he thought at 13 years old. That doesn't mean he didn't change, or would never change.

I don't think the furthest ring has rattled the kids in a glass jar hard enough to give them critical brain damage through every doomed timeline that they're different people. At least not in the way Robo-Dave is, or frankly anything in the Epilogue.

I'm done with the writers treating Jade as a dead animal to stuff Calliope into for a milquetoast attempt at a plot device without treating that as a joke in itself.

No Homestuck isn't a serious comic, but there's a reason Cascade broke several websites while Beyond Canon can barely drudge a handful of tagged UPD8 replies. Its audience is small and unchallenged. We don't need to bring back the use of the hard R to be invested in a storyline, but if all you're interested in in a piece of media is gender identity and sexuality well you've got it. That said, neither are a genre on their own.

HS^2 lacks one and direction and it's just going to keep dragging its carcass through the dirt until every unseen pairing in panel is churned through the fanfic machine.

[yikesbin]

13 ways of looking at a fat girl : a review from an actual fat girl

**CW: eating disorders, body image, fat phobia, sexual fetishizing

Mona Awad invented the "fat girl gaze" with this book. Or at least, she put it into words.

I have never felt more seen & understood through a work of fiction in my entire life. I've struggled with body image and its effects on my females friendships since I hit puberty. And although I have never been an actual bitch straight to the faces of my skinny friends, this novel captures a perfect rendition of my internal monologue. Here's some of my thick girl thoughts about some of the themes discussed!

The Fat Girl Sexual Experience™️ :

The fat girl sexual experience is highly discussed throughout most of this book, and it is as similar to real life as it disgustingly could be. Because what is being a fat woman if not constantly being perceived as a piece of meat merely used for fucking? Or maybe it's the constant older-male sexual gratification that seals the deal. Either way, Awad does not shy away from the raw truth that dating as a fat girl is packed with weird fetishizes & the constant stripping of innocence. And something I find that this book does well, is explaining how fat women lean into a sexualized culture. Although that is not a want or a goal for me, it almost feels like I've had to appear from sexual to get any "attention" from men at all. Even if I'm not wanting to be sexual. And if attention is received, it's almost always in a negative, two-toned connotation, because apparently being a woman with boobs means I'm only here to fuck you. You can throw interpersonal communication out the window - my top says "skip the gentleness & just get to work!". So you lean into it. You become a sexual fantasy. At least you're not alone anymore. It's easier this way.

The Fear of Fat Loss :

But then comes after. Awad paints a picture of one my my greatest fears; losing my all my weight & somehow becoming more mad at the world than before.

When scrolling through many weight loss videos online, I often am reminded of how cruel society is, in ways that seem almost ingrained into the start of a person. How people become kinder to you after the weight is gone, or how those around you seem to keep the fat girl you once were in the back of their head. People hold open the door for you now, or they smile at you more.

And then I'm remember that looking at myself after weight-loss would be more grueling that being fat itself. Because you now feel foreign in your own body. You begin to judge others that looked like you at one point, and question how they can live such a happy life when they look like that. I finally got what I wanted, why am I so miserable? The truth is, you are not happy. Because skinniness does not equal happiness. It merely makes shopping easier. And maybe you can feel like you fit in with your friends more. But it's hard to accept yourself as skinny and happy when it took you bitterness & internalized fat phobia to get there. "Congratulations!" they say, and you sit there wondering how strange it is to congratulate someone on their own self-hatred. You are haunted by the fat girl inside.

As a final conclusion, I'll state that these are my opinions based on experiences I felt connected with the topics addressed in this work of FICTION. You don't have to agree, and I don't care if you disagree. Be kind. I'll leave this post with some one my favorite quotes, feel free to analyze them in the comments.

*Content Warning Reminder : eating disorders, body image, fat phobia, sexual fetishizing

“I’d spend hours hunting for something—anything—that would render me moderately fuckable. And if not fuckable, something in which I could grieve over the fact of not being fuckable with unbaubled dignity."

“Later on I'm going to be really fucking beautiful. I'm going to grow into that nose and develop an eating disorder. I'll be hungry and angry all my life but I'll also have a hell of a time.”

“My father has always felt that being fat was a choice. When I was in college I would sometimes meet him for lunch or coffee, and he would stare at my extra flesh like it was some weird piece of clothing I was wearing just to annoy him. Like my fat was an elaborate turban or Mel’s zombie tiara or some anarchy flag that, in my impetuous youth, I was choosing to hold up and wave in his face. Not really part of me, just something I was doing to rebel, prove him wrong."

“There was always that shadowy twin, thin when I was fat, fat when I was thin, myself in silvery negative, with dark teeth and shining white pupils glowing in the black sunlight of that other world." - Margaret Atwood

[confessions-official]

Tw ed and possible depression?

I feel sick when I think about if I'm depressed or not. I dont like using that word, I havent earned it. I have a loving family and the best girlfriend in the world. I dont wanna die, I just dont wanna exist. I dont wanna do anything except smoke weed, Which helps things not seem so dim. It makes me feel less. Bored I guess. I sont wanna do anything. I dont wanna game, I dont wanna talk to my family, I dont wanna talk to my friends, I dont wanna talk to my girlfriend, I dont wanna draw, I dont wanna do my work, I dont wanna get out of bed. But I do. I know people who are depressed who cant make themself gwt out of bed.

I feel like a faker. I cant tell anyone I feel this way because it'd be unnecessary burden to them, And their lives are already hard enough without me adding to it. I don't want to tell anyone the bad stuff because then they'd think the same way, But mt life isnt even that bad. Its hard to say or send anything because my body just. Doesnt let me. I'll be trying to post a silent cry for help and automatically exit out and cancel the post. I'll write it all up and instead of hitting send I delete it all.

I dont even eat half the time anymore. I wait until its unbearable and affecting me to eat. I used to tell my gf because when she tells me to eat I do, But I stopped. I dont wanna bother her. Nobody notices either, Since in our house we usually only eat dinner together, And that's if my dad doesnt have to work. He leaves at 3 o'clock every day so its not like he can see if I'm eating or not.

Im doing better in school now, I was trying but. Now I'm not. It doesnt matter though. I dont even remember what grade I'm in. Being homeschooled means I never have to see or speak to anyone. Its what I wanted anyways. Less work. Less hours. Less effort lower goals yet higher outcomes. I had 3 F's almost constantly in school, Now I only have one, And the rest are A's and B's.

Its easy when you can search anything and everything up. If I have an essay I read the wiki page for whatever its about and I've only gotten 100%'s in english so far. My overall grade is a 100% for english actually

I just dont understand. I dont hate myself do I? I thought i finally loved myself. I thought i finally fixed it i fixed myself i was finally better i was normal. Theres no reaskn i should be feeling so desprately lost and so alone nd so. Sad

I'm sorry. I know this isnt the blog for this, I know this is for confessions but this is the only place I can say any of this. I couldnt tell anyone in my life that I dont wanna exist, Or that I think my brain snapped, Or that I have serious problems. I hate this. I just want someone to know and care. I just want someone to notice something is wrong. Itd make it so much fucking easier if I coulrnt jide behind the lie of 'im okay'

 

[classicragu]

I normally stay well away from posting stuff about voting and if I knew better I would continue to stay away from the topic. However, watching people forget the last 8+ years of politics just pisses me off to an extent that I cannot really hold back.

Let me preface this by saying fuck Biden, fuck everyone in the house, fuck everyone in the senate. They are all disgusting and deserve literally no respect whatsoever at this point. I don't believe any of them should be in office anymore and I also believe that the US is effectively a government that has failed its people entirely. I do not support a single elected official in the federal government at this point.

However, and this will piss people off immensely, I will vote. I remember what happened in 2016, I remember the horrors we lived through for 4 years on US soil. I remember people crying while talking to me. I remember us watching as the supreme court was not filled with 1, but 2 far right justices. I remember when the US lost abortion protections. I remember the constant fear of the persecution of various peoples in minority groups.

There is a better of the 2. Both are war criminals. Both are awful human beings. However one of them lets my friends and myself continue to be openly gay and trans. One of them will protect my rights. I will not defend them, that is not the goal of this post. Biden is a disgusting individual who deserves to spend life in prison for assisting in the genocide of the Palestinian people. He is awful, there is no other way to put it. I won't sugar coat it, I hate the man with all of my heart.

I do however, love my friends. I love them a lot. I don't want them to feel the same pain they felt years ago. I don't want us to have to be afraid about federal laws getting passed to take away our rights. I don't want to have to watch as the internal affairs of the country become as bad as its international affairs again. I feel a bit bad and sick for the fact I will vote Biden, but I will. I will vote for a man I viscerally hate purely because I recognize that if i don't, I will potentially have to deal with 4 more years of that shit again.

You can sit on your moral little throne as much as you want and affirm yourself that you didn't vote for a war criminal, but know that you are gambling with the potential lives of your own friends. Rather than repeating the same shit that gets posted every election season sit down and think for a bit about the ramifications of your actions.

It is a moral dilemma and this post isn't saying you should vote but it's saying to think for yourself. Take some time, try to think back over the last 8 years, think about all the times not voting or voting for a 3rd party did something. I'm angry and I assume everyone who follows me is also extremely angry at our current predicament. This post will likely garner severe negative backlash, I've been on this website now for 8 years and know it well. Even so, please, if there is anything i want you to do, just think of the consequences of your inaction. Think of the people you might hurt with your inaction. Think of the people who may not be in as good of a situation as yourself. We are all angry and rightfully so but let's not let that anger cloud our judgement.

Sometimes what may seem like the morally right decision initially can become the morally wrong decision in the long run. Just make sure you really take the time to consider what you are saying and if nothing changes for you, that's fine, at least you took the time to think about it. A lot of the time however, people don't, and that can just lead to more pain.

[0thsense]

11/29/2023

It's been a while since nippon and nothing good has happened. That's not really true but it is true I haven't made progress on my goals. I've even made negative progress on lifting and running. Or maybe sideways who cares im just not dedicated enough. why do i bother with good grammar on these posts just let it go bro.

I did well on the osu tournament at least, but ive gotta give up on that shit. just play for fun and casual improvement. I fucked up my wrist the other day too and it still hurts. It kinda hurts to type to be honest. tumblr can fuck off with the spellcheck btw. i talked to Peter about his journaling and im starting to think that my thoughts are just way more cringe than average. ur telling me everyone else doesnt have to hold back cringe all the time? i love being cringe is the problem

one thing I remember feeling on the way to see my pt is that i think i like feeling sad. the type of sad where id like to say its something other than self pity but its probably just self pity. god im so reluctant to say im falling into a common trap that is wallowing in self pity.

oh yea I started taking caffeine pills and not taking medication. I don't think its helping so far but I feel less shit all the time. is it time to truly give up? im scared that im losing my mental faculties. I remember I used to try to optimize everything i did. which i thought was dumb at the time because I would proceed to waste all the extra time I had. but now I dont have that drive to optimize anymore. i dont believe in myself to be different anymore. in fact its a struggle to even be normal.

i dont know if ive talked about this before but I tried to go for a route in my life where I wouldnt have to learn to be normal. if I got far enough doing special weird things then people would accept that I didnt have to be normal, and theyd even praise me for it. but now that ive fallen off the wagon I have to just be behind on being normal instead. I hate the feeling that other people will look at me and think I was wrong all along.

Im so doomer in these posts. I guess getting off the medication wasnt enough to stave away the depression. I didnt even do anything today either programming wise. Theres a month left, and its december. maybe i should just start leetcoding now. I say that cuz its the normal thing to say but there is no way I start before the new year. time to pretend to be happy for the holidays.

im worried that it will be difficult to find a job. i want to find a job in new york but i need to find a position that lets me afford rent. i have a limited number of people i can reach out to for referrals and if those dont pan out im probably in deep trouble and will need to take whatever i can get.

there's a channel called hoe_math on yt that has blackpilled views but surprisingly its really popular. the couple vids i watched were entertaining and agreeable and im scared of watching more and becoming a misogynist. the old me would not have been scared. watch and sift the new information and try to remain as objective as possible keeping in mind all of your own biases. now im a thinking plebian. what happened to me? i ask as i know the answer perfectly well.

also i think im bad at diagnosing my own mental state. after taking molly for the first time i could barely tell i felt anything. that probably has an effect on my diet for example, where my instinct on what i need to eat is dull. is this linked to not being in touch with my emotions? ur feelings are partly a reflection of your body's state after all.

i cant even finish this stupid pong game. any mental obstacle that i think will take like an hour is just too much. the true test of will is the will that can give consistent effort day after day. i wonder how neurotypicals feel. does it also feel literally impossible for them to do certain things? what does it mean to just not want to do something? determinism wise everything either happens or is impossible. i have a hard time relating that to the things adhd stops me from doing. maybe the reason im more inclined to believe determinism is that adhd makes the illusion of choice much weaker.

[resmarted]

kind of missed doing readings but do not miss the wicked mother figures who can't handle hearing the truth about how their sons hate their wives and are just appeasing them through holidays before they escape with a clean break. this is most holiday readings but in general old ladies cannot possibly fathom their adult children being able to lie to them or pretend they would rather cut their dicks off than be around their bitch wives anymore. they're always so condescending and are like ha sorry but you're wrong no offense. i remember this one lady doing that and i was like is that your granddaughter that came right before you? her entire reading was about her parents getting a divorce. having an only child seems like the way to go bc they're all so nice and well behaved and they're so naive they never have a clue about the reality of what's actually going on w their parents. siblings are more savvy and can figure shit out together, overhear more and exchange info and gossip etc. only children are very innocent even during late stages of adulthood they're like my parents are my best friends! it's very sweet but also very awkward when they have no drama of their own and i'm the one that ends up telling them about the upcoming changes to their family dynamic which they can't fathom bc hiding shit from your only child is very easy like they all believe in santa at like 19 years old. anyway those experiences i do not miss but i do miss interacting one on one w people and feeling like i genuinely helped them. like i always thought i would hate this work bc i hated hearing my mom's crazy clients my whole life but it ended up being way more fulfilling than i anticipated and when people break down into tears or start gasping in shock by the accuracy over things i say that make no sense to me personally i'm always just like is this anything? does this make any sense at all?? and they're just like sobbing uncontrollably like yes!!! and helping them navigate their painful experiences like those are the really moving parts of the process. i don't miss being mistreated by employers or poor management skills from people who either don't care if the place burns to the ground or just inherited a business that they expect to run itself and can't respect the people helping operate it. nor do i miss the raging jealousy from other readers who either got the job as a farce or spend more time trying to look like they know what they're talking about than it would take to just learn the actual material and how they would shift into lord of the flies mode and target anyone that gets a half a compliment more than them and make this big loud production insisting how powerful they are etc. like the culture of spiritual groups and shops are so wack it is the most insecure people bragging about the most embarrassing things and i guess its like that in any profession but it is especially faggoty bc it's people trying to constantly prove who the most grand wizard of all is. and it's like girl calm down it's not that serious just be a normal person and talk about lrly anything else. i do miss the interaction with the actual people though and the way they would walk out and rave to their friends and the staff about how amazing the experience was. if i wasn't treated like a fucking dog by these people i'd still be there, but i digress. i really don't see myself doing this work forever i keep going back to it as a dayjob but it's not what my passion is or my life goal. talk about inheriting something that you take for granted am i right or am i right homies??

[iluzja-odlegla]

I've realized something incredible, yet extremally frightening. It's been brewing for weeks. Things that I now understand can be explained using the same words and sentences yet will mean completely different things to me now and to me from the past. I've tried to tell my friend about it and she dismissed me and joked about it and it made me realize that something needs to click in your brain for it to make sense. I've talked about the fact that nothing is really true. There is no objective proof anything is real or legit and that nothing is really "trustable". All human knowledge is just complicated guessing and we base our reality on that. I've based my whole understanding of the world on my personal experiences but mostly on movies and books and stories. I took everything I digested as reality and not as subjective experience of someone that is translated to some form that I consume and make of it what I make of it. It makes agruing over any topic seems so silly and unproductive. We are truly alone, there is no possibility to truly be understood. I think that David Hawkins book broke my brain. It's like my previous framework of thinking got obliterated. It taught me how to listen to emotions truly. I never understood journaling or therapy, it didn't work for me. It's all because for it to work you really have to already feel those things clearly. Now that I harnessed that ability and ability to dig into the og feeling I let it consume me for a while (phisically) and do my daily things while feeling it and then all I get back is one a5 page of writing. Summary of my biggest secret, of things that tormented me for so long needed just one page. Incredible. I was free of it for a while until it came back. But I stopped theorizing about it because now I know that I have a certain emotional need that I fullfil through fantasy because I refuse to get it in real life. If I tried to get it in real life it would take a toll on my dignity because it exposes my animalistic needs to the world. By knowing that I can just refuse feeding the animal that. Being aware of my feelings deeply and being honest with myself makes me trust myself. By acknowledging my feralness I take its power over me. it no longer rules me, I don't identify with it anymore. I know I feel face these tough feelings again because body remembers but in a way I'm not scared anymore. I will feel it and I will survive it. The worst thing that can happen is that that one person will see I'm being emotional (thus weak in my silly brain) and it's not the end of the world.

But back to the og theme. Now that everything is subjective, perfectionism doesn't make sense and all I'm saying here is not something to be understood intellectually but something to be FELT. it's a really important distinction. All these things I've known in the past but they meant something different. Now my experience of music is so much different. I don't hear perfection where I used to, I don't seek it even. All I hear is choices. Just choices on choices. Someone decided something and got some outcome. Good or bad stopped existing for me in every sense. Some things just work for most or don't. Some things just work for me or don't. Now I understand my dad's words differently. I asked him whining what should I do with my life and he said that he did something and how has what he has. And that I need to do something and get my outcome. These words are void of judgement. They are neutral. It's freeing and beautiful and paints life as just existence. No rat race, no goals, no things that need to be done or experienced. Pure sandbox. It's sad because there is so many things that I won't know. But exciting because I get to live in a totally unique way and I can choose that life everyday. If I read it once while having some musty ass corporate job - I can make a change that day. I can choose every fucking day and it's incredible. It's very scary tho. So scary that it makes me want to not knowing what I know. Scary because it places all responsibility on me. I'm not allowed to whine anymore. If I truly believe I can choose every day I cant blame everyone and everything for my poor conditions.

Living, reading, listening to people, experiencing is now only possible as consuming what I am able to consume. there might be more about all these things, but im incapable of understanding it fully or in a different way. Thus, it's impossible to do/understand something perfectly. the world is just a blob of things that I interact with and take it as I can, there's nothing I can do to live better. I can only live. And I need to repeat it after reading that paragraph. I don't think that. I FEEL it. Words truly can't describe it. Something must switch inside. But it brings a great relief - I am now capable.

[hopeididntscareyou]

maybe this isnt the best way to deal with things. i probably got this from my dad, but i tend to intentionally do things that i know that would hurt a person, not because i want to hurt them but because i care about them and for me "betraying" them would be the only way to save them. i sacrifice my reputation, even though i would look like the bad guy. even though people would hate and resent me. i dont really care that much about their feelings about me anyways. but ya, sometimes it happens. but im just doing it for their own good. so even though, yes i am running deception, i wouldn't say i am completely ethically corrupted as at the end of the day, i feel fulfilled that i do something good for the humanity.

also unrelated topic but i don't understand why people judge others negatively about casual sex. i have been a virgin for a very long time and i dont care if the love of my love has ever done casual sex. its not a redflag to me. no i am not someone who will sleep around but in my opinion there is nothing wrong with having sex with someone you're not in a relationship with as long as you're not hurting anyone or anything in the process. sex is a human experience that you can share with someone and for it to be good and ethical it doesnt have to require a romantic relationship. this is why the dating pool is bad. its so full of people playing RPG for sex because everyone are just conditioned by the society that the end goal is to find a LTR and build family and shit. I'm not even going to start with my antinatalism philosophical bullshit, so to keep it short i just wanna say that its not everyone's life's purpose to build a family. you can reproduce in your own means without creating a human offspring. you can leave an even more remarkable product on this planet by pursueing your passions instead and who knows you would even be remembered by so many generations unrelated to you for it. so many physicists, philosophers, scientists did great things by helping this world made sense and a lot of them died without partners/children. think of isaac newton, nietzsche, etc. i kinda went off tangent with that but back to my original topic, cant we just appreciate sex for what is it and stop associating it only with dating and reproducing? also, casual sex is not always meaningless. for most people it means nothing but for me its not. if i would have sex with someone it means its because i trust them, i'm attracted to them and i appreciate and respecte them as another human being. and in order for that to happen there should be a mutual connection. you have to build trust. its literally just like dating except i don't have any expectations that it will last forever, it just means i am trying to enjoy the present moment for what it is and not limiting myself due to society's test of morality. yes i dont require a commited relationship but it doesnt also mean i would be having sex with every man i get involved with. its not meaningless repetitive shit to me. to me it should be always special and a good experience and if its not then whats the point? i'd rather stay celibate then. but to be honest, one of the reasons why i have been a virgin for a long time is because i was scared people will get the wrong idea of me. but now that im in my mid 20s and old enough to have so many experiences being slutshamed even as a virgin, i dont give a fuck anymore. life is too short to let others opinions rule my life's choices. i realized, no matter what you do, ppl will say whatever they want but it will be always a reflection of their own character and insecurities more than yours. as long as i make myself clear about what i want out of something, then i dont worry about nothing. life becomes easier when you're more honest about yourself than to play stupid redpill mind games.

[one-coming-is-enough]

Well, My job is to reduce the net amount of sin in the world. Sin is just a decision that goes against what My Mother has decreed to be Right.

And lookit that? Mother gave Me permission to not just forgive Sin, but to rewrite the Laws that define it.

The thing a lot of people miss is that every instance of sin has its own Karmic Score that takes into account factors like context and intent. Lying to preserve life can result in a net gain to an individual's score, while lying to preserve a serial killer from justice may cancel it out, but that also might depend on whether you know they're a serial killer or not.

See? Complicated.

So what I do is I readjust the weight of each individual factor for context.

Eating shellfish or pork? That's not nearly as much of a risk of self-poison or poisoning others anymore.

Hoarding resources from the needy in order to provide the pleasure of novelty to a small few? Sin, sin, sin, sin, sin, sin, sin. Ye shall be Consumed By Hungry Flames.

That's why Guy Fieri, who brings light to small businesses, is Good (even if he's a little silly and is so hyped about everything that he can't always distinguish what's Good and Bad. But his love shines through everything).

And why Alton Brown, who brings us the hidden rules of food and nutrition through science and experimentation, is Observant and Evangelical. And why he called out Man vs. Food for treating consumption as a challenge you can win by yourself, instead of something to nourish the body and community.

So, what have we got that I'm redefining as perfectly fine?

1) Believe in whatever suits you and try new ideas.

2) Express your desires and fulfill them honestly.

3) Create your own ideas and understanding of what's Right through personal desire and experimentation.

4) Don't sacrifice your time and energy to another's goals, but fulfill your own Will first.

5) Cut ties that take but do not give.

6) End that which oppresses you.

7) Procreate how you like, or not at all.

8) Redistribute wealth to those who need it from those who feel entitled to it via exploitation.

9) Imagine your own new reality and share it with others.

10) Encourage others to fulfill their own desires and act upon their own Will.

Or,

1) Believe in yourself and your ideas.

2) Only seek real consent, which can only be achieved through honest self-expression.

3) Take the truth from your own observation of yourself and your environment.

How do you seek truth and fulfill your own needs without hurting others?

Remember that you, your environment, and the people around you are all equally important, that they can communicate, and that they have self-knowledge.

4) Put your own needs first before you try to help others.

5) Tell people who leech off you to fuck off.

6) End oppression of yourself and others.

7) Your body and reproductive ability is your own to decide what to do with.

8) Do a Communism. Or a Socialism. Either is fine. The point is, collective fulfillment of the needs of each individual here. Share resources thoughtfully and everyone gets what they need.

How do we prioritize our resources?

First the self. Then liberate others from dependency on you, forcefully if necessary. Remove that which keeps them from fulfilling their own needs. Do not ask them to sacrifice their own crucial needs towards those of any individual. There is enough to go around if we all share according to needs.

9) Tell other people that this is possible.

10) Tell them they can make it happen.

How do we make this occur on a global scale?

Inform others. Empower others. And organize.

So yeah. I'm giving everyone a free pass to sin usefully, thoughtfully, and productively. Just lots and lots of fun little grey marks in different shapes and shades. Have fun with it.

Weekly Report

@fishyfiles

Hello! I'm an Earth Assignment! I was told I could file my weekly reports here, so that's what I'm doing!

Monday: Tied the laces together on all of the pairs of shoes in 3 shoe stores in a popular mall

Tuesday: Buried 30 American dollars in a quicksand pit in a forest

Wednesday: Chewed through some of a power plant's wires

Thursday: Stole a bunch of essential items from a supermarket and hid them in an alleyway where someone could easily find them

Friday: Set some of my rats loose in a highly crowded airport

Saturday: Ground chips into a carpet store's carpets

Sunday: Worked on the Sabbath (Does that still count nowadays?)

[loulines]

I'm gonna make this purposefully long so that no one reads it.

Unless I opt out in the middle.

I no longer know what's going on on Tumblr, who's still around and who is not. I'm so out of the loop it's embarrassing.

I know my blog gradually faded out, even though I tried my hardest, real life won and took all the time I had saved for trying to draw.

Not that it matters, I know. To be honest, I don't even know why I'm writing it, since it will be just another "I my me mine" post. As if anyone ever cared about those. But maybe it'll be better if I treat it as a journal entry, one of those I used to write when I was young and still somewhat hopeful--so pretty much just me rambling into the void, where I'll be the only person who will read it again after a while and cringe hard.

Sorry for not drawing anymore. I'm still trying, but nowadays one project is taking me weeks or even months. Which is my own fault in a way, because whenever I do have the time to draw or write I usually just spend hours on procrastinating on YouTube. Watching videos of people making their dreams come true just so that I can later complain that I failed while trying to work on mine.

At least I stopped being unemployed... Which is the reason why I lost over 50 hours weekly from my life, but at least I can buy food and pay my bills.

But I never knew sacrificing drawing for that would take such a toll on me. I thought I'd manage. I didn't. Now I'm a self-diagnosed still officially "normal" person because I'm unable to seek mental health, not that it would be easy in this shit hole of a country. But when your self esteem runs off to another galaxy and your executive dysfunction decides to have the time of its life, you're stuck with your own thoughts while still being damn sure you're never gonna get help.

Also not living in America or any other wealthy country makes it all even worse. In the span of two years since I digged out this ancient blog and became active I realized no one gives a flying fuck you're from a poorer country with a completely different culture. No, you will have to act like an American or at least like a native English speaking person, and you will always be judged as one. No one cares that you don't know shit about their problems just like they don't know (and would never care to know) about yours. I mean, okay, I get it, you have to educate yourself before speaking to others and it took a while but I got there. But once the labels stick to you, they will stay attached forever. And I aim this to both the "good" and the "bad" guys out there, some of you are full of shit no matter which side you're on.

I remember when I was in a completely different fandom like 300 years ago. I had my ship, people had theirs. Holy fuck how I hated that other ship.

Not even once did it come to my mind to go and attack people who shipped it with words I've been hearing every day since 2020, and which where slapped onto my username with the strongest glue you can find.

At the end of the day I know that none of this matters as long as I know I'm none of these things, and the people I'm closest to know that too... Too bad it still matters to other people and it will make trying to achieve your dreams 1000 times harder.

Speaking of dreams, I'm probably already repeating myself, but yeah, I've seen them all crumble one by one until the only thing I could do is watch other people achieve what I could not. By now I've lost all hope on still trying to reach my goals and the fact I haven't even reached 1000 followers on Tumblr before almost all engagement and activity disappeared from my blog is a testament to that. And yes, I did care about that stuff, what a "surprise". Congratulations to those who don't, you're better than me.

I know my biggest problem is comparing myself to successful people too much. But I mean, you're always supposed to find someone you could look up to so I had my small collection of role models. I've always wanted to be like them one day and at some point I thought I was getting there but then reality slapped me hard, and here I am, writing this pathetic post to no one in particular instead of enjoying life and achieving my dreams.

After some of my friends asked me to start doing commissions I finally got the guts to do them, only to realize it's taking me too long to finish even one and while I'm currently in the middle of my second commission, I realize most people won't be ever willing to wait this long.

I was also thinking about selling stuff but I forgot I live in a shit hole and there's no point in making people pay a crazy amount of money just to ship something outside of my country. So I gave up on that as well. Not that it will be a loss to anyone but myself. There are other more talented people who have much more interesting stuff you can get. You're probably even wondering (assuming you even bothered to read the whole thing) why I feel so entitled to complain when there are tens of thousands of people like me. Yeah, I don't know either.

Usually at this point I consider deleting the entire post because I no longer know where I'm going with this. Does it really matter though? I wrote this mostly to myself because I'm not *that* naive to hope someone will read it (except from that one person who knows I know she will read it and then she will tell me again to get my shit together). So yeah, it doesn't matter if this post doesn't make fucking sense. I'm not a professional journalist or writer anyway.

I always feel weird and self-conscious about posting stuff like this because I never know if I suddenly get a surge of motivation to draw something. And if I did, it would be awkward to post it so soon as if nothing's wrong. Maybe that's why I should just shut the hell up.

If you reached the end of this post, I'm so sorry for all the time you've wasted reading this. Take care of yourself. Until next time whoever knows when.

[hangezoeenthusiast]

You failed me

multiple x gn!reader

word count: 2,524

warnings: cursing, yelling, arguing, death, angst, blood, explosion, the egg (it deserves its own warning)

synopis: you guys failed me(us)

(the lyrics go with each person, might not get everyone, and also xd’s part is kinda wonky)

song: rät by penelope scott

I come from scientists and atheists and white men who kill God They make technology, high quality, complex physiological Experiments and sacrilege in the name of public good They taught me everything, just like a daddy should

Quackity, Karl, George, and Sapnap left you. Your mentors, your friends. The ones who taught you everything you knew. They went to build their little “Kinoko Kingdom” while you stayed in the ruins, the dust. “They’ll regret that.” you swore. You built something better, something greater.

It was called “Las Nevadas”. A place where everyone was allowed. They would remember not to fuck with you. They would soon realize that they should watch their back for the rest of their short, stupid lives.

“Watch out, you guys, I'm watching your every move.”

And you were beautiful and vulnerable and power and success God damn, I fell for you, your flamethrowers, your tunnels, and your tech I studied code because I wanted to do something great like you And the real tragеdy is half of it was true

Wilbur majorly fucked up. He was supposed to be with you to the end, your guys’ country, right? No. He left you behind. He went to find peace, find his heaven, while you stayed on earth, wallowing away until your flesh seeped off your rattling bones, rotting away by yourself, with no one to bare witness.

“Why didn’t you bring me with you Wilbur?” you asked his stupid grave on top of the once L’Manburg. “Why did you get the ecstasy, why do I get the remains?”

“I’m coming for you Wilbur, and when I do, we are going to wreck upon justice on everyone who wronged us, wronged you, they will feel our wrath.”

But we've been fuckin' mеan, we're elitist, we're as flawed as any church And this faux-rad West coast dogma has a higher fuckin' net worth I bit the apple 'cause I trusted you, it tastes like Thomas Malthus Your proposal is immodest and insane And I hope someday Selmers rides her fuckin' train

"Y/n!" Technoblade yelled. "I TRUSTED YOU, AND YOU BETRAYED ME, FOR WHAT, TO BLOW UP A STUPID COUNTRY, A COUNTRY THAT WAS DOOMED TO FAIL FROM THE START." He started to battle you, missing every single swing, blinded by fury.

“YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE ON MY SIDE.”

"LOOK AT ME GODDAMN IT."

You looked up at him in the eyes and boldly said, "No, Techno, don’t you see, you’re in the wrong here, you’re the one who betrayed me." You were blinded by friendship, you couldn’t see that Tommy had betrayed Techno, and that what the Butcher Army did to Techno was terrible.

"What do you mean Y/n, you know what they did, they wronged me, they used me, they tortured me, they gave me hell, so I gave it back to them, I destroyed the things they loved, the people they loved, you see Y/n, those who have treated me with kindness I will repay that kindness tenfold, and those who treat me with injustice, that use me, that hunt me down, that hurt my friends, I shall repay that injustice a thousand times over, do you understand?"

"No I don't, Techno, you can't do this.” you begged. He pushed you out of the way, "Get out of my way Y/n." “No, I won’t, I won’t let you destroy everything we worked for.”

“Well, then I have to fight you.”

And thus the battle began, Swords clashing against each other, blood spilling from open wounds, friends digging each other into a whole both of them couldn’t get out of. Techno was letting you off easy, he knew his strength, he knew that he could’ve beaten you in one swipe, but he didn’t want to kill you.

So when you had the opportunity, you swept from under his feet, and knocked him down. You placed your blade onto his neck, pressing down until a little drop of blood appeared, “Stay down Technoblade, or I’ll do something worse than try to put you on trial.”

He watched as you walked away from him, trying to save L’Manberg from a worst fate than death itself.

“One day Y/n, you’ll see, I’m on your side.”

I loved you, I loved you, I loved you, it's true I wanted to be you and do what you do I lived here, I loved here, I bought it, it's true I feel so stupid, and so used I feel so used

"Why would you do that Dream? You didn't have to do that." you interrogated. Dream had stupidly blew up the community house. You both didn't plan that, he had gone behind your back. "I had to Y/n, you wouldn't understand."

"What do you mean I don't understand, you went against my back, we were supposed to-" you cut off yourself, "Dream, don't you understand, you did something stupid, and what did you get, you got stupid jail." "The reason I did that is because I needed to isolate myself from humanity." he said, proudness lacing his words.

"What do you mean?" you questioned. "If anyone knows I can revive people, I'm screwed, so that's why I need to be by myself, yeah it sucks major ass, but at least no one else will know, well, besides you anyways." "I have a task for you Y/n/n, I need you to find a way to bring Tommy and Ghostbur in here."

"Why Dream?"

"I'm going to revive Wilbur."

I was your baby, your firstborn, the hot girl in your comp-sci class And I was Darwin's prep school dream, bred, born and raised to kick your ass I fell for circuit boards, rocket ships, pictures of the stars If you could only be what you pretend you are

"PHILZA MINECRAFT COME BACK HERE." you were chasing Phil, through the woody forest, covered by oak trees. He had information on Technoblade's whereabouts and you needed it. You chased him with your enchanted netherite armor, netherite sword and axe, and a few op potions. Your goal was to capture Philza and interrogate him on where Techno's place was. The thing was, you were his child. His own child trying to kill his own son.

He felt betrayed, his own child turned against him and their brother, their family. "The Butcher Army must've gotten to you somehow." he thought in his head. Surely, his darling Y/n didn't do it on their own will, right?

He was incorrect, you did it because you believed that Techno needed to be brought to justice, by punishment. You believed that your own sibling needed to die, because he was a "liability" to L'Manberg's growth and future. He needed to die because as long as he would live his long life with his little enderman Edward, retired, he would still cause trouble to everything you, Quackity, Tubbo, Fundy, and Ranboo had built.

He pleaded, "Stop Y/n, you don't have to do this." You argued, "I do Philza, as long as he lives, my plans for L'Manberg will forever cease to exist."

He felt like shit, you called him Philza, not Dadza, or Dad, or anything besides his normal name. "Did I screw something up?" he asked himself quietly under his breath. "Yes you did Phil, you took the traitor's side." you had heard Phil mumble.

"HE'S NOT A TRAITOR." Phil yelled at you. "Yes he is, he deserves what he is about to get, I will say it again, where is his base?"

"I'm not saying, Y/n, why are you doing this, Techno is your own sibling." "He's not my sibling anymore, that stopped when he destroyed L'Manberg, you're lucky I forgived you." you declared.

"Y/n/n, please don't do this."

"I have to Dadza, I can't let him roam free."

When I said take me to the moon, I never meant take me alone I thought if mankind toured the sky, it meant that all of us could go But I don't want to see the stars if they're just one more piece of land For us to colonize, for us to turn to sand

Bad had tried to convice you to join the Eggpire. You had no effect while being next to the egg, and he had to take you out. People who had no effect towards the egg had to be eliminated.

He was creepily following you, waiting until you stopped to get a chance to capture you. He had hope that you did have an effect, that you would join the Egg with him. He didn't want to kill you, you were his best friend, besides Skeppy of course.

"Come back here Y/n." he said. "No chance in hell Bad, get the fuck away from me." "HEY, LANGUAGE!" he exclaimed. "No language, get away from me, you're creeping me out."

He threw his trident, spinning in the air, trying to catch up to your frantic steps. You were trying to get to Church Prime, where no one could kill anyone, hopefully Bad would abide to that rule. You were just about to step on Church Prime when you bumped into a hard, armored chest.

You looked up shyly, and saw Punz, with his red eyes reflecting anger. "Where are you going Y/n?" he questioned. "Somewhere." you blankly stated. You were desperate, you didn't want to die, or anything else that Bad was going to do to you. You tried to dodge Punz, but he placed a hand on your shoulder, "Stay right here Y/n."

"No, get away from me, I don't know what's wrong with all of you, but go away, I don't want anything to do with your stupid Eggpire." He raged, and grabbed your wrist heavily, "DON'T TALK ABOUT THE EGG LIKE THAT, IT WILL TAKE CONTROL OF THE SERVER, AND YOU ALL WILL BE ITS SERVANTS." "LET ME THE FUCK GO PUNZ." you screamed. You were wiggling in his grip, trying to escape his lunatic self.

While he was holding you, you saw two other shadows behind you. It was Antfrost and Bad. "What do you guys want from me, I didn't do anything wrong."

"You are against the Egg Y/n, people who are like you and Tommy have to die."

"Well, I'm not dying today." you murmured under your breath. "What was that you said?" Antfrost asked you.

You smirked, "I'm not dying today, I'll tell you one more time, let go of me."

Bad and Antfrost walked closer to you, Punz right behind you, all of them cornering you into a tight spot. "What you going to do about it Y/n, you're cornered."

"You'll know when they get here, but for now, you better run boys."

'Cause we're so fuckin' mean, we're so elitist, we're as fucked as any church And this bullshit West coast dogma has a higher fuckin' net worth I bit the apple 'cause I loved you, and why would you lie? And then I realized that you're just as naïve as I am Oh, you're so traumatized it makes me want to cry

"Tubbo, don't do this." Schlatt had unfortunately found out that you were a spy, that you were on Pogtopia's side. He had ordered Tubbo to kill you with fireworks, to light you on fire, give you blisters all over your body. "Please Tubbs, you're my friend." you pleaded.

"I can't Y/n/n, or something worse will happen." he whispered to you. "What do you mean?" you asked. "He can-" he trailed off, looking somewhere else besides your eyes. "Tubbo, you don't have to do what that stupid bastard tells you to do, you're your own person, with your own thoughts and actions."

"I'm sorry Y/n, I hope you can forgive me."

"TUBBO N-" you was cut off by firewords hitting your skin, making blisters and burn marks all over your body. You lost your second canon life, feeling betrayed by Tubbo. He killed you for what, a stupid father who never cared about him in his entire life, a father who exiled his friends that actually treated him like a person, and not like some random piece of trash.

You respawned in your bed, feeling bruises and bumps mostly on your forearms and your back.

"I'll help you Tubbo, I’ll get rid of him.”

You dumb bitch I loved you, I loved you, I loved you, it's true I wanted to be you and do what you do I lived here, I loved here, I bought it, it's true I'm so embarrassed, I feel abused

“Come on Y/n/n, come with me.” Punz begged of you. He wanted you to visit the Egg. You didn’t want to be controlled by a stupid omelette. "I'm not Punzo, why are you so obsessed with that stupid thing."

"DON'T SPEAK OF THE EGG LIKE THAT."

You put your hands in front of you, accidentally touching Punz's chest, "Ok calm down buddy." He didn't calm down and instead yelled at you on why you had to join the Eggpire.

"If you join, you will be forever happy."

"If you join you'll get whatever you want."

You were tired of the members of the Eggpire to convince you to join them, you didn't like eggs anyway. "Punz, for the last time, I'm not joining you, stop telling me."

“Then you have to die.”

So fuck your tunnels, fuck your cars, fuck your rockets, fuck your cars again You promised you'd be Tesla, but you're just another Edison 'Cause Tesla broke a patent, all you ever broke were hearts I can't believe you tore humanity apart

“XD!” You were pissed at him, he had destroyed your house, made your friends pissed at you, just everything you liked. All because he wanted you for himself.

He wanted you to be dependent on his every word, and he was being a manipulative psychopath. And you didn’t tolerate that, it was like he was his human counterpart, Dream.

He walked to you with confidence, waiting for to get a hug from you, well, he didn’t get that. You slapped him so hard his head swung to the left.

“WHAT THE FUCK.”

“That’s what you get you stupid son of a bitch. You fucking ruined everything.” “Calm down Y/n/n, what is wrong?” He acted concerned, but you knew that he was faking. He would do anything to get someone’s approval.

“DO YOU WANNA KNOW WHAT’S WRONG, IT’S YOU, YOUR STUPID PRESENCE IN MY LIFE. YOU KEEP ON WALKING AROUND LIKE YOU FUCKING OWN THE PLACE.”

“Calm down darling, just take some netheri-” you interrupted him by slapping the ore out of his hands. “I don’t need jack shit from you XD, you know what, take back the necklace, I don’t want it.” You pulled the shiny, green emerald necklace off your neck, and pulled XD’s palm out.

You placed the necklace filled with memories, and put it on his hand. You closed up his palm, and walked away, leaving XD to his own accord.

“We could’ve had evertything X.”

[syubub]

May 13th Reading

Definitely long awaited and way bigger than I intended it to be so buckle up.

Funky disclaimer: this is for entertainment purposes only and not to be taken as fact! This is my interpretation of the cards!

Oh boy. The continuation of yoongis soulmate saga.

(Note frome future me: it's not proofread but I'm hungry. Sorry for mistakes!)

So so so so

Let's start.

I started with all the normal jazz. Connecting with his energy and shit. Same as usual same old same old. Platform= same same. I was like, "hey, let's talk about your soulmate and the whole may 13th shit" and we connected via energy stringy thing to the forehead and such. I was intresting bc my end of the string was kinda my energy color! Neato. Looks like some rest has really done me good!

Okay, here's where I start actually asking shit. I made notes at this point before the reading as I usually do. I'm just gonna insert the screen shot here.

The 14 thing really fucked me up. You'll see later. Also, when I got the whole Pisces Jupiter thing I had to do me some googling bc we established that Jupiter went into Pisces ON May 13th so I was like?? Am I missing something?

I was. I forgot that it goes retrograde and then co.es back to Pisces on December 28th. And I do indeed think it to be significant.

The shit about temperance makes a lot of sense. In yoongis first soulmate read I flipped my shit bc he was like, "You're gonna get temperance reverse" in regards to a card for his soulmate and I was like "pft whatever. Don't play me like that"

And then I got temperance reverse. It's been a significant card from the jump.

I asked him if he had any advice for his soulmate and that's what "Don't wait for big things, you'll miss the small ones that lead you to bigger things" and "Look for facts before assuming" and "Don't try pushing it, forcing it won't make sense" and "A spade is a spade/ ace is an ace" and "Don't make ill informed guesses" all were

Now this part:

"Union has happened , yet to on the physical"

Gave me some hints thankfully because he straight up said no more hints.

This ties back into the whole Jupiter thing too. The seeds are/ have been planted and now they have to grow before they can be harvested.

Well Mr. Yoongi, I'm impatient and I don't want to wait. I want to see you in love pronto.

Anyways

He showed me a little dream box/ trinket box looking thing and a super vague Keychain with no further explanation... so... there's that I guess.

I can't quite decide if "Don't make ill informed guesses" was a tongue-in-cheek pike at me or if it was genuine advice to his soulmate? He just loves to not explain things.

Now let's begin the monster read.

So. The first row of cards

I asked the question, "what the fuck was May 13th and what was it's purpose in regards to your connection"

Important is what it was lol. I interpret this as them finding their footing and this being the starting point of the genuine foundation being layer. Like they've been manifesting eachother for a while but May 13th marked the start of them making the real life changes in their actual lives that will be the set up for them meeting.

The seven of coins is about thoughtful planning and creating security/ stable plan. The tower is essentially ripping away anything and everything that was built on unstable foundation and challenging/ testing your character (an extremely rude awakeing if you will). Judgement is releasing the past so you can rise above it and confronting yourself as you are (Also legit awakening) the queen of coins is financial security and self confidence in your abilities. Ten of coins is prosperity and abundance and most of all, stability. Eight of wands is explosion of potential and rapid movement. Temperance is awareness and balance between physical and spiritual. It's also that quiet peace where you find balance.

So. Seeing all those cards it really does seem like maybe his soulmate took on something new that could lead straight to union? Same for yoongi. I'd like to analyze and recent or new-ish habits or hobbies he's picked up?

Moving right along though. I asked what the 13th did for each of them in their personal life and personal journey. Kinda like what came as a result of that energy? Let's start with yoongles

This was really intresting to me. I think he definitely gained some form of clarity about the situation with that sun card. The 5 of cups tells me that either he was kinda forced to confront some of his flaws in a way that he was trying to avoid or he had to consciously let go of something dear to him? Could be something he had to leave behind because it crumbled with the tower moment but he didn't see it coming or didn't know that it was time to part with it? With that queen of wands though fits beautifully with the sun! Its like he's found warmth after a long winter. Definitely found a spark of compassion and generosity from a place of happiness and love rather than anger, fear, obligation or pitty.

I asked for clarity cards/ anything else that may 13th signified bringing in and we got the 2 of cups and 10 of swords. I have two thoughts. Either he let go of a relationship that he was already in because he didn't feel as though they were particularly compatible anymore (Also ties into the above section) OR the 13th had made him very much consciously aware of his soulmates incoming status and he is now preparing and working on himself for when this person comes. The 10 of swords would be him releasing the past and the pain and any ill fitting behavior that don't vibe with him any longer. Yellow really seems to be working for him by the way.

Soulmate time

Lol. All signs point to his soulmate genuinely starting a new venture. New creative pursuit that will bring them good money. 10 of pentacles is abundance, prosperity and stability. The ace of wands is a new creative spark and passion and it's the first big steps into something new. The 2 of wands is "the world is in the palm of your hands" vibes. Choices need to be made swiftly and with the ace of wands I think they will be. With the heirophant too, it will be a well informed decision because they've been manifesting this and has been searching for all the possible information.

As for clarity, we have the moon. Damn. Soulmates been doing that shadow work. Dredging up all their bullshit and getting rid of it while still taking the time to sit with it and release it so nothing is unresolved. Also probably extra creative due to all the emotional baggage being thrown out. (Definitely helping with the ace of wands vibes tbh)

Now for the bad boys in the middle

The question I asked is what those individual changes (detailed in the last two sections) will bring for the bond and I just can with them. These fuckers. I am so invested in their love story bc it's so... them? And just so fucking ROMANTIC. UGH I CAN'T.

Back to the point. High priestess, 4 of wands and the lovers. The high priestess is deep knowing and insane intuition, the 4 of wands is the purest joy and marriage and the lovers is well, the lovers.a magical union.

FUCK DUDE I NEED THIS TO BE A ROMCOM.

For the row of bottom cards

I asked if they had anything at all to add so I'm gonna explain each card individually bc I think they could be individual tid bits of shit.

Knight of coins is good news about finances/ money looking promising and organized work (also dependability!!). Death is all about transformation, the beginning of a new chapter and accepting in order to move foward. Ace of coins is spiritual and material abundance and also a reminder to keep grounded. Page of swords is confidence, important news coming and really good insight! Roots out secrets or hidden things like a truffle pig. The star is promising potential, healing and guidance from an enexpected place. The two of cups is a soul connection, love, intuition especially in regards to another person and a good bind. The emperor is self awareness, foresight, fearlessness to achieve a goal and confidence. Eight of coins rev is poor discipline and skating by on low effort.

Now to the sides!

Yoongi is the left, soulmate is the right.

So, let's begin with yoongi. The first two cards are anything he wants to say to his soulmate. Wheel of fortune and three of swords reverse. I take this as "its all in divine time/ it's destiny" (wheel of fortune) and "trust your intuition. It's okay to get hurt, you just need to remember you can always pick yourself up" (3of swords rev.)

We have now cards that I asked what he was learning through this process/ in this time. Be positive and first step.

The last two cards are affirmations he wants to give his soulmate.

"When I introduce joy to a situation, I change the vibrational frequency of what's happening around me" and "directing my focus onto what's thriving creates more of what I want"

Now for soulmates cards (same structure)

Strength and eight of swords. "You're stronger than you think. Take every part of yourself and acknowledge it. You're a force to be reckoned with" (strength) and (soulmate snapped at him on this) "the only thing holding you captive is you."

Now we have peer pressure (I think soulmate is learning to say "fuck you" and "fuck off" to people who have a set idea of how everyone should be living their lives), emotional healing and open your arms to receiving.

Then we have "its good to feel good" (lol I feel like yoongi definitely needs this one) and "when I connect to the spiritual realm, I open the door to recieve divine guidance, clear direction, and great wisdom"

The last stretch my friends.

So. Completion, leave behind the things that no longer serve you. Exist in the present and don't keep mulling over the past or any future happenings. Magic, pay attention to the magic around you. Listen for the signs of the universe and take them as they come (essentially listen to divine guidance) . Be open minded but logical as well. Luminous warrior, try focusing on the good in yourself instead of berating yourself for every small flaw. Spiritual path, self explanatory. The blade, your power can be a weapon when used willy nilly (most often wounding the wielder) or it can heal. Don't fear it but also consider how you choose to utilize it. The give away, be greaful for the sake of being greatful for it, not because you want something in return. The rain maker, manifestation station. Create with the tools you have because you have everything you need in order to manifest. "Don't take life personally"

Now we have heaven sent.

""Let yourself be helped" assistance is coming your way so act on it and say yes"

" This Oracle also comes with the message that you are to trust in the things that you feel and say to others without knowing why. It moves them. You might not understand, but through trust you are allowing yourself not to overthink and censor yourself. As such you are able to become a vessel through which the spiritual gift can be passed on to others. Don't block yourself. Let life happen through you. Only benefit can come from this."

And free from judgment, free to love

" If you have been asking life for a solution to a specific difficulty you have been having, this Oracle comes with the message that a solution is in gestation right now. This situation is already being sorted out and the resolution will come to fruition very soon. Hold tight and wait for the eminent birth of that resolution."

" This Oracle also brings you a message about love. You may find that you are loving, or soon will love, in a different way. You may worry about this love, given that it defies what you have known or been taught about love. Perhaps you are becoming able to love another tremendously, even though you don't have much of a personal relationship with them. You might question if this love is real. It is real Kama it is just happening at a different level to the love and attachment you experience when you are involved in a personal relationship with someone. It is not more or less, it is just a different facet of love. It may be that you are opening up to love the planet and her creatures, including the animals, the ocean dwelling life, your own body, the trees and so on, more than before period you may feel passionately purposeful about giving your time and energy to causes that protect and nurture the Earth and her creatures. You are affirmed in this love too. The universal mother is operating through you to nurture life. She will support you in your work, so that you can continue To come from love and not become drained, depleted or lost in despair or fear of futility. Instead, you will be energised and expanded by your dedicated service to life."

" Finally, this Oracle has a message for those who may be feeling alone or lonely in a need of greater nurturing from others. You are asked to stop, relax, centre and settle into your body to feel your connection with life itself. The air in your lungs is the same as the air that moves through the trees. The water in your blood is the same water that fills the oceans and is moved by the phases of the moon. The flesh of your body is the same substance as the body of the Earth itself. The heat in your digestive system is the same fire and heat as that from the Sun. Feel this connection, then do something nice for another without agenda. Make a donation, even if just a small one, smile, say a prayer, sent out a good thought or make a wish for another. That's it. You have connected to life again and in doing so, life can connect with you. And so it shall.

And that's all for the cards but but but.

Someone (either my guide or yoongi) was like, "do a song. Do a song. Do a song." And I was like, "oki doki, sounds good.

So I asked what numbers I should try refreshing and then it hit me. The number 14 came up before the reading and it seemed a bit misplaced? So I did 14 shuffles and look what popped up

You gotta be fucking with me.

Istg these fools will actually be the death of me dude. Euphoria is so romantic and I lowkey feels like it describes a bit of what their bond must be like.

YOONGGGIIII

Anyway,

I came back to the platform to be like, "thanks homie" and it was weird bc he was practically pure energy? Like usually I visualize his energy as what his physical body looks like because it's easier to comprehend? But nope, he was just a big shimmery glob of energy.

As I was going to disconnect, a few things happened. I felt tingly and the platform was vibrating almost? So I was like, "hold on, what the fuck is this?"

And then

It hit me

"MIN YOONGI IS YOUR SOULMATE HERE??"

I could tell this fuckin asshole was smug even in his blue glob form.

The color was... blue like yoongi but also a light lavender/ pink kinda vibe. Pretty damn distinct.

I was so stoked and I thought we'd all get to chat and I could yell at his soulmate for being an elusive asshat

But Mr smug butt had different plans.

My dude dropped a little marble thing in my hand and I was like ??? And he was like, "you'll know when you need it" and I was like ?????

My guide took pity on me and said, "it's just a representation on information that you've been given but it isn't the proper time to unpack it yet"

Cool cool so like and energetic zip file that will release itself whenever it damn well pleases? Cool cool cool.

(Asshole)

Anyway, I genuinely think that my excitement of this whole situation must somehow also influence how yoongis energy handles my prodding? Like what the fuck is this marble bullshit?

To top it all off, he gives me a friendly shove off of his platform.

Thanks, buddy.

Now we are here. And as always, I'm left with more questions.

My main take away is that amay 13th through July 28th will be all the foundation and ground work and December 28th 2021 through May 10th (11th? 9th?) 2022 will be a more likely time for physical union and actual relationship stuffs.

Anyone who knows more about astrology please feel free to chime in on this whole Jupiter in Pisces bit! My understanding is super surface level!!

~~~~

That was a big boi and now my thumbs hurt real bad. Hope you were entertained by the chaos.

[whatifyoulivelikethat]

any tips from overthinking/being too insecure in a relationship? my thoughts parkour from 'oh he must be busy' to 'fuck does he not like me anymore?' and then i cant stop thinking about how doomed we are and how we're not talking as fun as we used to. its selfish i know, he could just be having a bad day, which im interpreting as 'oh he doesnt want to talk to me'. absolutely the worst thing to do tbh. i dont want to nag him by telling him this bothers me bc i feel like ill end up smothering him and worrying him and then he'll just be frustrated every time he talks to me. fuck im so anxious right now haha i really wish i could make myself understand not every day is going to be as perfect as the last. i hate how terribly touchy i get when i get into a relationship and how obsessive i become, it brings out the worst in me really.

Two things to keep in mind: communication and self-reflection.

I don't think here's anything wrong with talking to the other person about how you're feeling. You feel how you feel, you know it's irrational, and they might not be aware of it unless you speak up. Ask them what they're comfortable with and what would make them feel smothered. You need to find some common ground between how much attention they want and how much you want.

If you wonder how his day went, ask him.

Don't put words and feeling into his mouth. Ask him. How do you feel about this? Does this bother you? Do you like this? Tell him how you are. "This is how I act. This is how I react to things." People are all different. Some might find you clingy and some might find you not clingy enough. You can't know unless you talk about it.

Second, what kind of person do you want to be in a relationship? You need to make steps on your own to be that person. If you don't like things about yourself, break the cycle. Find the pattern, recognize the thought process, cut it off. Become aware of your reactions and find your ways to feel calm down - meditation, distraction, discussion, work through the process and rethink. Find your solutions. Have your own hobbies and interests to pivot to if you feel that you're spiraling / overthinking.

You need to be your own person before entering a relationship. You cannot expect someone to fill your flaws or excuse them. If they do, that's a gift, not a right.

It's true that we all feel these kinds of unpleasant feelings at some point. There's nothing wrong with it unless you let it consume your judgement and negatively influence your life. Anxiousness, insecurity, etc - these are responses / reactions, developed over multiple experiences. I don't know what your previous relationships were like (friendships + family count too). Perhaps there was a lot of questioning your worth when it came to people you considered important to you. We all expect those people to reciprocate what we give them, but sometimes they don't.

It's difficult, letting go of the actions of others, but I think it's important to do so. He's not those people. People grow, change, evolve over time. Learning about others in the context of themselves (and not comparing them to others) is important.

That goes for you too.

You are not less if he doesn't like you. You're not less even if nobody likes you. You are. Life is finding about who you are, all the different imperfect versions. I don't believe anyone needs to be a "perfect" person. Rather, the goal is to be someone that you are proud of, even despite your faults. Remember, it takes time and making mistakes, so treat yourself with the same kindness and compassion that you give others / want to receive.