#i mean!? it's cool! okay! more time off!
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can't express accurately how happy it makes me that c.s. lewis did not leave room for many interpretations in narnia. it's christian and you can't get around it. susan chose to care more about worldly things than what matters and he said what he said. the lion is Jesus. evil is evil and good is good and people have to choose. and that makes some readers angry because it's nearly impossible to ignore and they want to ignore it. they want it to be something else and they can't make it something else without making it not narnia. love that. that is doing it right
#that's. how. it. should. be#if there's room for interpretation in your writing as a christian you are doing it wrong#if people read your work and get to pick and choose what it means and you left it OPEN to interpretation-#-and they can divorce your fantasy world from the truth? you are doing it wrong#looking at you john ronald reuel#readers you're upset because susan cares more about “nylons and lipstick” than Aslan? 1. that's not really what lewis said#2. you should be upset because she made the wrong decision#and if you're upset because you can't get around the christianity in narnia let me share something with you - that's the point#it's a christian series#it's telling you christian things. this is not lord of the rings. this is not Cool Fantasy World open to interpretation#you can't worship the fantasy world and ignore the christian truths#you can't separate the two. that's what it should be#that's what all christian writing should be#if you write something amazing and centuries later people host parades for your fictional world and there's no God in it? no truth?#wrong. you did it wrong. they should not be able to separate the two - unless the point of your writing was to write a cool story#congratulations you wrote a cool story. but did it point people to the truth? unavoidably? no? then what a waste of freaking time#what a waste of a beautiful God-given talent#okay I got off on a tangent#my point is: be upset because Narnia is Christian and you can't get around that with ease#I am so. glad. you can't get around that with ease#this is why Lewis is my favorite author in the root of me#he did it right. this is what we as christian authors should aspire to#not LOTR. Narnia. NARNIA.#christianity#narnia#the chronicles of narnia#thoughts in the tags#doverstar's thoughts#writing#authors
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i've seen a fair bit of... pessimism about dorym lately, esp with the ep107, for example wondering if dorian's opposing views on the gods making orym fall out of love, and i have to say. i very highly doubt it, ur fr talking about the man who has held on to will for so long, holding onto will's family and affectionately calling this *his* family too because that didn't stop when will died. i dont think falling out of love is an option or even a thought to orym.
that said, we know that orym has contingencies for if anyone in bells hells crosses the line into being a version of themselves they would despise, for anyone who jeopardizes their mission. his mission. i think, for the first time since knowing dorian, orym finally has a contingency for him. the longer dorian is back, the more orym sees how scarred he is by what's happened (understandable so) and knows that dorian is with bells hells all the way. but if he isn't...
#lynx speaks#critical role spoilers#cr spoilers#dorym#dorian x orym#i'll be so fr i hardly interact with the cr fandom at large bc soooooo many people are deeply pessimistic#i want to have fun!!!!! i AM having fun#and then i come here and see the most bad faith takes in all of the world ever and its disheartening!#where's ur fucken JOY where's ur fucken WHIMSY#bells hells is one of the wackiest groups with crazy dynamics between them all and its enjoyable!#ur Allowed to enjoy the things u watch i prommy#and to that point! people keep complaining that bells hells r indecisive and there r too many opposing views muddying things etc etc#1. ofc there r a lot of views. the real world is like that too. opposing views is one of the best story elements to enrich ur made up world#2. whenever there is a Big Decisive moment many instantly go 'noooooo not like that!!! that's not what *i*wanted' (ex: the shard.)#the cast receiving backlash from fans every time they r decisive and do something objectively fucken cool and interesting#means that any time they Think about doing a Big Thing... it gets a little harder bc what if the fans hate it. again. should i even do this#separating fandom from cast is a bit more difficult for this form of media and the inherent close proximity or creators to audience#so. just. maybe some of us could chill and cool off just a little. and maybe examine why This Thing is so terrible to u. and remember.#it may be terrible to *u* but thats where it stops. the specific bad feelings u have r not always indicative of media being Bad.#sometimes it's just not ur cup of tea and i PROMMY that its okay if its not
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okay fuck it actually heres a drawing from the other day
#probably all ill post maybe idk im not sure tbh…….#scribbles#klonoa#popka#uhh nothing much to say abt this tbh thats why im posting it XD so uh heres some rambling ig#i feel like ive been drawing a lot more oc stuff lately which is cool ig cuz i barely ever draw original stuff#but at the same time it Sucks cuz like. idk theyre some newer ocs i kinda feel weird abt sharing for some reason#like idk i feel like theyre lame 😔 plus im still figuring out a lot of stuff for them so idk maybe thats part of it#uhhh also uh i feel like ive been getting like? actually really fucking good st art ? and like i feel like this every#few months (which is a good thing it means im improving / enjoying how my art looks) but like.. idk it judt feels more legit this time like#idk idk it doesnt really make sense but im having fun with art and thats good#i drew like. seven full drawings yeaterday for artfight im still like . stunned by how i managed to pull that off without having#drawings i ended up hating . like even with some that were an absolute pain in the ass to draw they turned out so cooollllll#okay ill stop rambling now idk what im trying to say
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quick note - this blog is gonna be sparse again for at least this week. trying new medications and tbh initial side effects are not super pleasant + actual effects build up. as a result: currently as if unmedicated for mental health, with anxiety+ side effect, extra fatigue, dizziness, and fatigue. it's uh, sure something.
totally recognize that most of y'all know we're absent at times due to health things, just wanted to give a heads up that this one is at least anticipated.
#fun fact sometimes condensing meds just means poorer treatment of some conditions#this is a re-expansion + new thing#so that instead of poorly treating my mental health and using an unusually high dose SNRI for another (physical) condition#i will hopefully both be in less pain AND not depressed af AND also have an appetite again#i doubt i will be lucky and not have a fucked stomach due to meds but one can hope that an appetite will allow me to eat foods that upset#my stomach a lot less#my health is forever a massive balancing act#every time a medical thing is like 'so what meds do u take' i'm like here i wrote it down for u#and they're like 'oh. ooookay. let me just...' *five minutes of typing and clicking later*#'so! what did you come in for again? uhuh. you said you experience pain daily? with your chronic pain thing? hm. have you tried yoga?'#/gen#like. straight up every time i say 'i am in pain all the time due to fibromyalgia' they are like 'ooh studies say regular exercise helps'#and like. theoretically yes! but also. i would be lying if i said the fibromyalgia studies i've skimmed don't set off general 'bad science'#alarm bells in my brain#like... cool you performed a fibromyalgia study with... all male lab rats? mhmm? so are you aware fibromyalgia appears to occur#overwhelmingly in women? like. data seems to suggest between 70-85%?#(not that the data can't still indicate things but it certainly makes male rats a poor choice of model for tests on it)#also just... idk i've looked at some metaanalysis and been like 'okay cool theory and for all i know about human bio or bio in general that#sounds more or less correct BUT. you never discussed that one study on this subject that did NOT support your conclusion.#and that's 1) interesting when it was the most diverse group of subjects and the exceptions often teach just as much as the 'rule'#2) just shitty science. tell me how your theory is still credible when some evidence doesn't fit the model.#like... 'given that all other studies were primarily conducted on white american women in their 30s to 40s it is possible that this model#only explains (the early effects of fibro since that's a typical onset period) / (a possible genetic link primarily found in white women) /#(a possible sign of bias in diagnosis that demonstrates the possibility that there are different causes) / combinations of all of those#like... idk a paper that just throws out things that don't support it is a pretty big red flag#it doesn't mean the conclusion is entirely incorrect but it is often important to understand the context in which it applies#like... it's very easy to jump to an incorrect conclusion if you used something in the wrong context#ie: thumbs up is a good job / positive thing in a lot of western civilizations. teenage kee once went to china and discovered it to be#neutral to offensive in many areas outside of major tourist locations that were used to it#anyways i gotta sleep
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Hey as a super introverted but not shy person I'd just like to say the jokes about extroverts "adopting" introverts to "get them out of their shell" are actually completely unfunny and it just goes to show how little respect a lot of y'all have for the fact that we genuinely don't want excessive social interaction and that y'all are forcing us to do something that brings us extreme physical and mental discomfort because you perceive our introversion as a failing rather than as purely a difference in personality.
We don't need your "help" to socialize. We're not children. We're simply not interested in spending every waking second of our lives talking to people and being talked at in return.
#again i scream from the rooftops that there is a monumental chasm between being shy and actually being an introvert#a shy person is someone who's afraid of social interaction. an extrovert can be naturally shy.#a shy person can WANT lots of social interaction but simply have not learned to feel comfortable in social situations.#people who are just very introverted simply have little desire or capacity for excessive human interaction.#we're not “afraid” of it. we just don't enjoy it and it wears us out.#you don't need to swoop in and save us because we can't handle ourselves. we're perfectly fine thank you#extroverts are constantly demanding that we get out of our comfort zones but few of you are willing to make the alternative more comfortabl#if you're a very extroverted person please do not take it upon yourself to jokingly “adopt” introverts you meet.#it's not funny and it's not helpful. it's irritating that you perceive our quietness and low social battery as something that needs “fixing#we won't miraculously learn to love and be comfortable with excessive human interaction. that's not how we're wired and that's OKAY#i'm honestly getting so sick of the “the lonely introvert and the extrovert who adopted them” memes#i can guarantee you that if you are an extrovert who operates this way then your introvert “friend” is actually probably very uncomfortable#and just don't want to say anything because they think it would be rude to bring up the fact that they don't want what you want from them#this does NOT mean extroverts and introverts cannot be friends nor am i saying all extroverts are annoying or that they all do this#i'm simply saying that if you are very extroverted and you have a friend who's very introverted#then it's on you to be aware of your introvert friend's limited social battery and STOP pressuring them to just “put up with it”#don't spend every second with them constantly talking. be willing to spend some time just in the quiet.#be willing to let them bow out of something if they're exhausted and are low on social energy.#don't expect them to want to come to every meeting or party or get-together because it WILL drain them completely.#be willing to let them spend time alone when they need to to recharge.#letting an introvert cool off and recharge when they need to is ALWAYS going to make social situations less stressful for them.#PLEAAAAASE take their feelings into account and understand that they do NOT perceive social interactions the way you do.#most very introverted people do not find socialization relaxing or invigorating. they don't do it to unwind#they have to unwind AFTER lots of social interaction#that's about it. thank you and good night
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love that my mum just gave me a lecture (more like an unnecessary reason to argue with me though tbh) about internet safety as if I'm doing something really terrible and I'm a vulnerable, naïve child when I'm literally almost 20 years old :)
#there's looooots more to this but long story short she thinks she can still control me hahahaha yay#I should also add the context that she didn't stop going through my phone until I was 17 and that's because I changed the password#she probably means well but has a fucking awful way of showing it#instead she's been incredibly over-protective my entire life to the point where it's actually suffocating and damaging#and apparently that still hasn't changed much despite me being an adult#I understand to a certain extent because she's a single mother to an only child but there comes a point she has to realise#I'm not a little kid anymore and I respectfully need her to back off a bit more#because honestly I feel like she crossed a line here and it's not okay#and the other thing is that she thinks she can tell her boyfriend everything I tell her without my permission#simply because he's her boyfriend#I've told her multiple times it makes me uncomfortable buuuut she doesn't listen to me :)#she actually outed me to him a few years ago and that REALLY hurt because I told her how dangerous it can be to out people#and she just completely dismissed everything I said because “he's not homophobic”#cool. great. doesn't mean I didn't want the opportunity to tell him myself when I'M ready :) cos I barely knew the guy#well........ anyways :)#just needed to get this off my chest 😭#personal
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Tbh, can't believe I'm cutting ties with Fnaf before Batim.
#em.txt#negative#all thr fnaf stuff that's come outta my rbs since the anniversary have just been queued. my queue is huge it takes a bit#anyways#bendy has given me pounds of grief & a lot of it is my fault for like. falling in love with a proof lf concept#& not waiting for the game to come out in full & rushing in to each chapter looking for hints#to a conclusion i made up in my mind & was never ever coming. the ending to game one is quite trash#& while the sequel tries to make the ending in 1 worthwhile it's too little too late#because while a sequel can recontectualize its prequel it cannot erase how it was when it first was released#yeah so like. i figured between how shit the studio heads were & how I didn't like the first game ot the second game#or really the spinoff which i played i am like the only bendy fan i know that played that thing#& I'm not like. super stoked for any of the 3 games they teased in secrets of the machine#which i think is fine btw secrets of the machine is okay but i refuse to judge it as a game because it's an advertisement#i think some of the secrets in that game like the poster one are stupid but most of it is fine kinda cool. glad they got to reuse#all those assets from previous games & also cameo the car from the mobile game#ANYWAYS i figured all this would pile up to mean i would cut off batim. but I haven't. when the next games come out i will#probably at least check out a playthrough maybe play them myself if they seem interesting#meanwhile. like. the fnaf 10th anniversary happened#they dropped a sequel to help wanted. they dropped 2 more fnaf games. & I don't give a shiiiiittt#i woke up the day after the anniversary & realized like. I don't like the games. I don't give a fuck about the books.#the movie has practical effects & was cute but nothing i will think about deeply. the lore is a industrial sized dumpster fire#I don't like the community i only play ONE fan game & i just don't care about this series that used to eat my brain whole on the daily#so i gave it a month. maybe this was just a depressive spike. but no it seems like something shifted in my brain permanently#I don't like fnaf anymore which sucks#but what sucks more is i still like this other piece of shit that has easily given me worse times
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alright, i think i'm going to close drawing requests for now. maybe i'll open them back up at some point but i'm going to keep them closed for now.
#not art#there's two reasons for this#1. artfight is upcoming ofc#and 2. i'm think of offically opening commissions at some point. once i get my own bank account#and yeah i know it sounds like a rip off to go from free requests to paid ones but i think it will be worth it for myself and you guys#and oh yeah this doesn't mean i'm not going to draw the other requests in my inbox rn#i haven't got to them because there's a lot going on in my life rn so there's not as much time to sit down and draw#but i will get to them. trust me. and if i don't then uhhhhhhh i forgor sorry#maybe if i open free requests again. it will be small sketches while my more complete drawings will be paid.#i think that's a good compromise for my bitches with no money but still want a cool drawing#okay i'm rambling but yeah. requests will be closed unil further notice
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#messing around in ms paint#i was working on something to post on halloween but i got frustrated with it and set it aside for now#maybe i'll redo this later 'cause the actual picture grew on me#there's more i could do to this but really i just don't wanna sleep#i think they call it reclaiming time and i should stop so i'm going to do that#anyway kris and noelle#i don't really have anything cool or profound to say#just that their relationship is so bittersweet#they have a bond that was quite possibly very strong a long time ago#despite whatever happened#i think kris still cares a lot for her#but an already strained relationship crumbled once more by something completely out of your control#is extra painful when that person was like family to you#i mean she's the first to notice something is off with kris in *that* route#granted she spent more time with them alone#but to catch it before their own mother??#i know we have pretty good guesses as to what happened but i wanna know for sure#what could possibly drive you away from someone that close to you for so long#okay its 3:19 AM i'll stop blabbing now#kris#noelle#deltarune
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iansan relevance right off the bat let's fucking go
#personal stuff#delete later#cannot believe she's electro. cyno treatment#also nice to see they're at least making an effort with the npcs if not the playable characters. hm.#ALSO I WAS RIGHT ABOUT THE FROGS AND SQUIRRELS BEING RELEVANT TO NATLAN. HAH.#we finally get to see what the pilgrimage referred to in the pyro gemstone is!!!#natlan being entangled with the abyss. that's fun. looks like we get to go there / a tainted part of natlan and get trapped!!#really appreciating the idea that natlan is the nation of war because it's constantly at war *with the abyss* and not with itself#and that its competitions are to keep the abyss at bay#CAPITANOOO. HIIII . I'M TWIRLING MY HAIR. I LOVE HIS DESIGN.#when he threw off that coat i went WHOOO. also my man how were you not dying of heatstroke in that#CRYO CAPITANO...#the pyro archon is giving lantern vibes except i KNOW she's going to have a better personality and playstyle. trust#also the big fight being between a pyro claymore user and a cryo sword wielder....... don't look at me.#something REALLY interesting to me is that throughout the entire trailer the traveler's ornaments are still glowing blue for hydro#do we not get to resonate with a statue and get pyro? do we have to earn it? is it just an oversight? i'm intrigued#OHHH OKAY they clarified. we can't get it right away. interesting#they say it's because of the abyss. i wonder if that has anything to do with childe's vision not working in fontaine? interesting#capitano *is* ranked first. don't talk to me i'm inconsolable#not that he's ranked first necessarily i think he's cool as hell i just hate that the theorists were right on this one#bc the second half of that theory is always dumb as hell. head in hands#no xianyun rerun..........#it's fine i have more time to save for her. i guess#the new natlan forgeables look cool. really funny to me that the pyro archon is using one in the trailer...#like ik it's probably because they haven't modeled her actual weapon but man. could you imagine#[looked at leaks] they're def and hp based... thank god. yun jin is getting treated well#also i bitched about the liyue > natlan skip but then tumblr axed my tags. fine. it's whatever i just don't like it#also the extra benefits are fine. THEY FIXED THE WEAPON BANNER that's all i care about. free 5 star means free diluc cons for me#THE MUSIC THOUGH. THE MUSIC IS REALLY GOOD
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they look half dead ☹️
#weezer#rivers cuomo#brian bell#patrick wilson#matt sharp#i rlly like rivers’ hair in this one! it’s epicness#i liked his hair in the 90s with his bowl cut.#bowl cuts are cool#and he looked great w it !#anyways yesterday was my boyfriend’s birthday party; and i got him some chaos emeralds from sonic that he’s been wanting like ; forever!#it was fun for the most part; but nobody told me we would be swimming plus i was the only girl there sooo i was just sitting around while#everybody swam and stuff. and my friend hayden i guess felt bad so he stayed out of the pool despite having swimwear and just played mobile#games with me; which was fun and i really appreciated but this guy ; who will remain nameless was being rlly mean to me at the party#like he was saying stuff abt how my boyfriend didn’t really like me THAT much (we have been together for nearly a year…)#and other things like that; which made me rlly sad and i kept asking my mom to pick me up but she wasn’t answering so i couldn’t do anything#besides trying not to cry and stuff. but it’s okay#and after everybody went inside besides me and my boyfriend ; we were cleaning up the table since the guys left all their trash and i had#like a whole pile of trash; like tons of plates and a whole stack of trash still; the guy from earlier who was mean just like#put his trash on top of the trash i was already carrying inside#since the guys were all crowded around the trash cans (he was closest; but he couldn’t throw it away; rather he wanted to deliberately just#put it on the pile i was carrying ) and it wouldn’t be a big deal if he wasn’t mean earlier; i wouldn’t have cared so much#but he was being real mean and just did that. and i’m a passive person ; but i rolled my eyes a ton at it and idk it felt like the#other guys were laughing; which made me feel even more awful about the fact but yeah so i rolled my eyes tons and he told my bf that he was#sorry about it; but didn’t say it to me and stuff and idk it just made me feel bad#when i was younger i got bullied a lot and people would throw their trash on my lunch tray n it just reminded me of that and made me sad;#but it’s okay now! other than that i had a good time and it was fun! my boyfriend said he loved my gift to him so ya! :D it was fun other#than the stuff with the guy! but yeah. not rlly weezer related tags today; just really wanted to get that off my chest#my boyfriends mom asked if i felt left out; which i definetly did and really wanted to go home but ik i couldn’t so i was just sitting at a#table alone for abt 20 mins while everybody was changingninitially#but it’s okay! ty for listening to my rant i love u all
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weekend melancholy is starting to kick in >~<
#im gonna go and do my food shop etc to keep myself busy and hopefully my 2nd meds will kick in and we'll be able to handle it together#i think i kind of do this so regularly bc my brain is just processing everything bc i dont rly have time during the week#all cool tho im doing good overall def on the up n i feel way more capable of coping emotionally which is nice. i <3 meds#also.. possibly settling on the idea that i might be agender. very tentatively. lots of experiences n thoughts coming together rn#ive been reacting in unexpected ways to a lot of gendered shit atm which has made me reconsider the way i think abt myself#but very difficult to articulate it to myself let alone anyone else. so ive been sitting with it for now until it precipitates#gender stuff has never rly affected me much or ive never been in a place to explore it which is why i havent thought abt it super hard#but im not the sort of person who needs a lot of internal exploration to figure out my identity like im v self aware tbh#and while im wildly indecisive abt most things in my life for some reason i never have been abt stuff like this. i learned abt lesbianism#like idk 9 years ago-ish and straight away was like yeah that makes sense for me. never looked back since#n similarly ive experienced forms of gender dysphoria before n just immediately dealt with it symptomatically n moved on#its never been smth to agonise abt for me like i know what makes me comfortable in my skin so theres no question abt doing it#and ik im privileged to be able to do that. and also it helps that gender for me is mostly divorced from external perceptions#+ that im v autistic so social pressures dont stick to me very well. i mean yeah i was bullied for it as a kid but i was stubborn asf#so yeah from the moment i realised i was genuinely uncomfortable/upset abt it earlier this week i was like okay. lets try this instead#its given me pretty instant relief from any distress i was feeling so far which is nice. rare respite from one of my torture labyrinths#just testing out internally whether it frames things more clearly n makes me feel more myself/at peace before i choose to stick w the idea#but not gonna do a whole coming out fanfare either way. dont think i wanna change how ppl interact w me + im still a dyke#so i dont consider it relevant to anyone else unless they share a similar understanding of gender to me. or if we're v close#ill prolly broach it w other trans friends eventually bc insert philosophers talking image. but to everyone else its business as usual#happy to play my cis-sona at work. + w new queer ppl i meet ive been introducing myself recently w mirrored pronouns instead of any/all#and i think i prefer that. virtually indistinguishable but theres smth nice abt inviting ppl to recognise me the way they do themselves#like translating + localising a non-gendered language into a gendered one... simplifying decisions abt how to perceive me#and ofc ppl are still gonna perceive me however but idc much unless we're actually friends. the rest is all a performance anyway#doubtful anyone on here ever has reason to refer to me but if u do for some reason... im freeloading off ur pronouns now btw <3#but yeahhh. much 2 think abt. i need to read more alien/ai sci fi.. non-human sentience has been such a comforting concept lately#but yea tldr i woke up one morning this week like damn im prolly agender but i have a full time job to go to rn so idc abt that#.diaries#okkkk my dex is kicking in im no longer on the verge of tears lets go get these groceries wooohoooo
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been telling my siblings 'you would NOT make it in vulcan academy' when they do smth goofy recently and nobody's been able to refute lol
#just me hi#listen here you little idiot... [<- fond]#anyway i've been doing this for months and it brings me much joy hbfhsvh#to me it's just an academy. with vulcans. and they are NOT getting enrolled loll#//so speaking of siblings i've been off and about with my dad more often#which is cool but that means spending a lot more time away from my siblings and ouhhrhrhrhrhrhrhhghhhhhhhhh#[tears in eyes]#my buddies :( Where Are My Buddies :( lmaoo#staring out car windows yearnily bc i want my brother's opinion + dumb joke combo on some random thought i had but he's miles AWAYYYYYYYYYY#i'm home rn but like. Man hfbhsfbvh#//oh man but here was one time one of them used the academy thing on me and i could only sputter. touche motherfunker lolllll#//anyway i am exploding all of them with my mind [<- endearing]#my youngest siblings do art (because they saw me doing it [funkin dies and explodes and cries and stares at a wall forever] lol <3) and#they're ! ! ! ! ? ? ? ?#leo does humanoids + has a more geometric style atm and it's really cool!! he keeps asking me to help him draw hands but he asks me at like#1 a.m. when my brain isn't working practically anymore so it's just me going 'yea and the thumb bone connects to the hip bone. +~Somehow~+#[mystery chimes]' and then he goes off on some sort of random thought and we are derailed forever hgbbfhsh#and ruff is so good at drawing animals it's insane. like have you seen this kid's cats they are Sick ! ! ! i genuinely did a double-take#when i saw her stuff a couple months ago loll#/and then my older siblings are v into video games#which is cool bc if i am ever bored they have like 5000 things that i can suffer on while we all laugh hfbhsfhv#i think i'm still helping test one of apollo's games that he's working on -#he's learning code and all kinds of cool stuff - also he's insanely good at blender like Woauhghsgh. wizard shizz hbfhsvb#+ reed helps him w/ that bc i believe he's the architecture guy lol :) - also it turns out reed n i share a lot of opinions on media and#stuff so that's awesome :D he didn't know what whump was but he liked all the points of it so i tried explaining that to him the best i#could hbshfv o7#+ chess has been trying to convince me to give him + leo a ~mystery~ story to play and i finally caved lmjfhsjf#he's real good at the clues it's going well :3 i am scared for my life HFBVhsfvh#also trying to convince him to play kartrider w/ me again cuz i have leo on it now and we need a 3rd okay-to-decent player in our soon-to-b#posse Loll :33 //i ran out of tag space... ouhhh..... okay then.. ciao ciao toodles :D
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me: maybe i should... go back to work. let this medical leave run til the end of the month as dated. specialists i barely heard back from: nuh uh. at least 2 more months. push the leave longer. me, under breath: son of a bi-
#⸻ ₊˚ʚ delete this. ₊˚✧#── ♡ ❝ i can bring the sex appeal. ( ooc )#i mean!? it's cool! okay! more time off!#but GOD im#i guess .. ill look at it as more time to get my body mods lol#i wanna go back bc i miss seeing certain people#and kinda earning my play if that makes sense#(i also earned it by giving my sanity)#(but the physical perks was nice too. exercise on the job basically)
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idk why we can't just accept that people will interpret media/characters differently and that it isn't inherently an attack on you personally (obviously if people are directly fighting you/harassing you/trying to invalidate you or are generally being bigoted that is different and you should be able to defend your thoughts/block people!)
#in terms of theories and headcanons and such#tp#saying it again for the millionth time: if you see mike as gay or bi that's completely valid#i dont think seeing him one way or the other invalidates his journey or story.. bc mike being bi would still entail being attracted to boys.#being bi isnt Queer Lite#that being said if people see mike as gay and don't believe the feelings he has/had for el were romantic that is also okay and their...#personal interpretation. either way we should stop acting like our own interpretations are the ONLY ways ppl are allowed to think#also just simply disagreeing one way or another isnt biphobic or queerphobic BUT some people definitely come off as such intentional or not#bc i always worry i come off more aggressive than i mean to: i respect both interpretations of mike's identity! and i love seeing#arguments for both and how ppl interpret scenes and actions differently i think that's really cool and interesting!#also this isnt directed at any one person I've just been seeing this come back up again
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Daily Log 9
Trying out (probably just temporarily) making short daily-ish notes about things, in an attempt to see if it helps me be more reflective or productive lol.
Activities: Worked on the previously mentioned tapestry style painting thing for like 5-6 hours today (with a few breaks in between), and that's just for the border around the main picture lol.. I think all the little sections and detail always take longer than I think they might. But hopefully the final product will look interesting! :0
I feel like I'm entering another Sick Phase where I just am weird/ill/sleepy/having joint pains much of the day (probably some vitamin deficiencies or hormone imbalances or general bodily inflammation or whatever nonsense seems to randomly pop up from time to time lol), so couldn't focus on anything more intensive like writing or editing videos, unfortunately. It's good to have smaller crafts I can do that don't take much mental effort and are just menial hand tasks (like carving, painting, sculpting, etc.), but I still always feel frustrated falling behind on the things I see as much more broadly significant to my overall life and potential career (making games, writing, finishing videos, socializing, costumes, etc.)
Organized my desk a little. Responded to some doctor emails. Paid bills.
Planned out something I might make with pressed flowers tomorrow.
Edited like 4 costume photos.
Also have a lingering sense of dread due to the weather. The heat often makes me feel terrible, and if I'm already in kind of a Bad Phase at the moment, I'm afraid of it making it even worse... stimky..
Which I know these temperatures are nothing to some people but.. to me... aUGHHHH... I am abnormally heat sensitive + live in a dinky old apartment with no ventilation that gets direct sun the hottest part of the day.. on a 90F day outside, it literally gets about 84F inside.. like.. even people who love the heat I feel like would struggle to sleep at night if their bed is 85F lol... hewwo.. You can spray yourself down with water, drink ice water, put a fan on yourself, etc. etc. but.. sometimes it just feels so oppressive and inescapable..
ANYWAY. Aside from painting, feeling weird, and dreading the upcoming heat/contemplating my entire life and how to get enough money to move to a different climate somehow one day/existential exhaustion/etc., I didn't accomplish very much lol
Spent maybe 30 minutes thinking about a little more worldbuilding stuff, and some things in reference to the game I mentioned resuming work on at some point.
Notable sights: The clouds were really pretty and pastel this afternoon, and some stars are visible in the sky for once since the nights are beginning to be clearer. The 'forget me not' flowers that I thought had died after transplanting actually seemed to be perked up and healthy looking today, and perhaps may actually survive. >:3
Goals moving forward: Do new poll adventure post. focus on social activities, finding new friends in the places I want to move, communicating with the ones I have. Physical therapy exercises. Finish and upload videos, edit costume pictures & etc. Do the new costumes I've planned. MAKE SCULPTURES at some point, I miss them.
Notable foods: Not much, kind of a warm day so didn't really want to use the oven. No idea how I'll handle the diet I've been put on by my doctors (involves usually cooking all food fresh, using the stove a lot, nothing is supposed to be canned or processed or premade, so that eliminates a lot of 'quick easy simple warm weather' meals, etc. etc.) during the heatwave. I might just have to break the diet a little and hope it doesn't give me stomach pains while I'm already hot and feeling sick lol..
I did have a boiled egg with some green onions on top, which is very simple but was refreshing somehow lol. Another ice cold ginger ale treat today, and some cold prune juice (which I know most people find gross/it's an old person food/etc., but I like that it's a smooth textured and not very sweet juice? Like it's slightly thicker than apple juice, has a lightly bitter taste, etc. I just find it nice for some reason. More evidence I am secretly an 85 year old wizard)
#why can't it be global cooling instead of global warming.. what if everything was just ice and I was comfortable and happy all year around#heat also sometimes gives me like a.. mild situational claustrophobia (like not a place that you are confined in/can't escape#but more an environmental factor that's all consuming. Like when there's fires and smoke fills the sky for days and it's like no matter#where you are you could never get away from it unless you're locked inside shut off from the entire world. if you need a breath#of fresh air or are feeling too confined you no longer have the option of going outside. it's all toxic. etc.)#Or like part of why I hate long car rides is for that reason. If I'm 3 hours away from home there is no way for me to get home#other than to ride 3 hours back. If I suddenly decided I really would rather be home I could not get home quickly. the 3 hours#to get home is an inescapable barrier. No matter how sick I started feeling or how bad things are and how much I wish I was comfortable#and safe at home - the only way to get there is to get there. you knowwhat I mean lol? I can't just be home in 20 minutes#it's a 3 hour ride or nothing. etc. etc. Like if you're on a ship in the middle of the ocean and suddenly just desperately decided you need#to be back on land. there isn't anything you can do. nothing will get you back on land but to stay on the ship and travel the hours it take#to get there. there's no quick exit. No way out that isn't doing the thing you already really don't want to be doing anymore (being in a ca#r or being in a ocean or etc. No alternative route but to just suffer the situation longer). idk.. if that makes sense??#so with the heat sometimes it's like.. it's hot INSIDE and it's hot OUTSIDE and it's hot everywhere you go theres no escape#from it and nothing you can do but just.. be hot. no matter how desperate you are to just BE COLD even for a few minutes#you simply don't have the option. The only way to get cool again is to just wait out the hot weather. You can yearn for the feeling of a#cool breeze all you want but abdolutely nothing will get you colder than just to be miserable in place and wait for the passage of time.#I always get that feeling in the summer like after five 90+F degree days in a row you're like AAAAAAAAAA#JUST AN ESCAPE JUST A QUICK ESCAPE DEAR LORD ' and then 5 minutes later like 'hee he. no its fine. haha. im actually so okay#with my situation i am coping.' short bursts of heat induced frantic anxiety with some resigned calm in between ghjgj#ANYWAY. yes every year I complain about the same thing. I am a hater and a complainer first and foremost ggh.. I love to be honest and#express my thoughts and opinions. I think way too many people are so reserved and repress everything for the sake of like social etiquitte#or personal insecurity (like owrrying they're being annoying or talking too much or that novody cares what they say etc.)#and then that ends up causing passive agression and communication issues and resentments that boil under the surface for years because they#re never adequately expressed. I don't think complaining is an inherently negative thing and it's weird to me that people react so#like it's some sort of moral thing to be against it. Like of course within reason. don't complain to the point that you appreciate#none of the good things around you or like where you start bullying people or something. but broadly speaking. being able to express your#concerns and thoughts in small bursts easily and openly and release some of that tension is better than just holding onto it all and having#it come out larger later or making you internally miserable or etc.. ANYWAY.. yeaghh.. hate heat.. hopefully done with painting soon.etc.#daily log
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