#huntleys point

[slidesworthseeing]

Found slide: Looking towards the Sydney Harbour Bridge from the construction site of the new Gladesville Bridge, which opened sixty years ago this week, Huntleys Point, Wallumedegal Country, March 1962. Photo by a member of the Tyler family

[wedevinerug]

Top-quality Rug Cleaning in Huntleys-point

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[lulu2992]

If anyone is interested, I translated the character descriptions :)

Vaas Montenegro

Vaas was born into the tumultuous and poor environment of the Rook Islands where lawlessness and brutality are the norm. A member of the indigenous Rakyat tribe, his youth was shadowed by the harsh realities of the region. Raised without stability or education, he relentlessly refined his survival instincts and his determination as he grew up.

Vaas’ journey led him to a life of crime and power, fueled by a charismatic personality that often explodes with implacable ferocity. He quickly rose through the ranks of the local underworld, establishing his dominance using fear and coercion. His strategic craftiness based on exploitation has made him a formidable force to be reckoned with.

His cruelty and unpredictability are defining traits that inspire both loyalty and terror in those around him. Vaas has extended his influence through intimidation and manipulation, gathering around him an army of cruel pirates in search of easy money. Now alone at the top of the crime pyramid, he is ready to crush anyone who would challenge his authority.

Unaware of the danger, the group of friends did not know they were on Vaas’ land. How dare they march into HIS territory without permission? Their carefree and naive lifestyle is an insult to his way of living where one must fight for survival.

To him, they are unsuspecting prey waiting to be captured. He can therefore make them pay for their carelessness by taking away their freedom. Since he had to adapt to the harshness of the islands to survive, they will have to do it too...

Grant Brody

A former American soldier, Grant is the eldest of the Brody brothers. He always felt a duty to protect his friends and family.

Today more than ever, as they are captive to Vaas’ insanity, he guides them through the perils of the Rook Islands.

Dennis Rogers

Born in Liberia, disillusioned with his life in the United States, Dennis finally feels at home on the Rook Islands.

Deeply connected to the indigenous Rakyat tribe, Dennis helps the team in this unforgiving environment, hoping they can help him in return.

Dr. Alec Earnhardt

Drowning in grief after the loss of his daughter Agnes, Dr. Earnhardt left Oxford and his brilliant career to eventually wash up on the Rook Islands.

The island’s unique flora allows him to create innovative medicinal concoctions, thus helping him cope with the harshness of his current situation.

Willis Huntley

A cunning and enigmatic CIA agent, he operates in the shadows and plots to achieve his goal.

It seems you can count on him. As long as you have common interests...

New Far Cry 3 Board Game featuring Vaas Montenegro titled Far Cry: Escape from Rook Islands (Summer 2024).

[soulsforscrapbooks]

How the Dracula Stage Play Influenced Future Adaptations

So I wanted to let people know about the stage adaptation of Dracula, because it established a lot of tropes that have come to define the novel as well as vampire fiction in general, despite the fact that large changes were made when bringing the book to the stage. Sometimes, honestly, it seems like more adaptations pull from the play than the book. Okay:

The original stage adaptation of Dracula was written in 1897 by Stoker himself! Here you can see the manuscript in his own hand:

Apparently he hated how it turned out, because he called it “dreadful” and it was performed only once and then never again. The role of Mina was played by Edith Craig, a well-known figure in the suffragist movement and the daughter of Ellen Terry, Stoker's friend, whom he mentions in the book. The next attempt at adapting the novel would not be until the 1920s, after Stoker had died.

The 1924 adaptation by Hamilton Deane stays fairly close to the events of the novel. Some key points:

The entirety of the action takes place in the Harkers' house

Mina and Jonathan are already married

Dracula is already in England, and the storyline involving Jonathan as a prisoner of the Count has been omitted

To accommodate the female members of his theater troupe, Quincy is now a woman! Her name is still Quincy, and she is described as “feisty,” and is a close friend of Jonathan and Mina. (There don’t seem to be any photos from the 1924 play, sadly.)

It is in this first major adaptation that the idea of the Count as suave and debonair is brought into existence. This change is to allow Dracula to interact more easily onstage with the other characters, whereas in the book he stays an offscreen threat for large amounts of time. This is also the first instance of Dracula wearing a high-collared pointy cape, which was originally done to hide the actor better whenever Dracula had to “disappear” through trapdoors. 

Here is Raymond Huntley as Dracula in the 1924 stage adaptation:

The play was a success, and quickly moved to Broadway:

This version, adapted by John Balderston, was a complete revision not just from the book but from the 1924 stage play, and a LOT of changes were made:

Quincy, Arthur, and MINA have been removed from the story. Mina is mentioned as having died mysteriously before the play takes place.

Jonathan’s relationship to Dracula has been completely removed. He is not involved with bringing the Count to England at all. He is also now wealthy, and has traveled Europe extensively, where he has heard folktales about vampires.

Lucy is now engaged to Jonathan, and her last name is now Lucy Seward. This is because……..

John Seward has been aged up and is now Lucy’s father. 

The action takes place at Seward’s house/asylum.  

Renfield is allowed to just sort of…wander around Seward’s house when the plot requires him to be there. He gets dragged away by attendants whenever he needs to be offstage. He also survives. 

The Broadway version also made large changes in characterization:

Lucy is weak and feeble when we meet her in the play. She is helplessly preyed upon by Dracula, and yet is sexually tempted by him when under a trance. She and Dracula share a passionate kiss at the end of Act II, right before she willingly exposes her neck for him to bite. 

Jonathan is still concerned for Lucy as she is slowly turned, but he is more wary of her and goes along willingly with Van Helsing’s ideas regardless of how Lucy feels.

Renfield is portrayed as actively malicious, through fearful and subservient to the Count. 

Seward is seen as a strong-willed father who leads his asylum with a firm and confident hand. He believes Van Helsing more readily when confronted with the existence of vampires.

Dracula himself is once again depicted as charming and suave, and he spends time during the first act as a mysterious but pleasant dinner guest of the Sewards.

Despite these massive revisions, the Broadway version was a hit, partially to due the charisma of Bela Lugosi, who originated the role. (Below is Bela Lugosi as Dracula along with Seward, Van Helsing, Jonathan Harker, and Renfield on the floor:)

Bela Lugosi, of course would go on to star in the 1931 film adaptation. Other famous stage Draculas include Jeremy Brett and Frank Langella (Langella's revival would also give us this amazing Edward Gorey art:)

So we can see that the stage plays influenced many versions that would later come, as well as the idea of vampires in pop culture at large. It’s interesting how the motifs and themes we expect when we hear the word “Dracula” were actually the creation of people besides the author, and these differences don't seem to have been majorly disputed in the last 100 years. Has this happened with other classic novels? I'm not sure, but I'd love to see an accurate adaptation of Dracula in stage or film form, and see how it might influence filmmakers and directors for the future.

[swearingcactus]

Obscure Far Cry Promos and Content

I'm a big far cry fan, which means I have to make my own food in this economy. But sometimes I just want some ACTUAL canon or canon-ish or even just canon-adjacent content, y'know? It has gotten to the point I go into youtube rabbit holes or watch a remarkably below average hallmark movies for 5 minutes of an actor's screentime to hopefully hear Jason or Ajay or whoever talk. And so in these quests, I've found a couple obscure promos. Gonna compile them here for myself mostly :)

Far Cry 3

Far Cry 3 - The Voices of Insanity: Doctor Earnhardt //a live action video with Alec Earnhardt's VA

Far Cry 3 - The Voices of Insanity: Vaas //same thing but with Michael Mando

Hoyt Audition Far Cry 3 //the last part of "The Voices of Insanity" videos, couldn't find the one from Ubisoft's own account but someone else had posted it on youtube

Far Cry 3 for PS3: TV Spot

Far Cry 3 -- Island Survival Guide: Psychopaths, Drugs & Other Dangers // video narrated by Willis Huntley

Far Cry 3 -- The Savages: Vaas & Buck // this video shows a rare render of vaas with tataus on his arm!

Far Cry 3 | The Tribe: Citra & Dennis //this video has a deleted scene where Jason hallucinates the tatau snaking up his arm

Far Cry 3 -- The Tyrant: Hoyt

Far Cry 3 - Insane Edition // this is a promo done for a special edition for the game, Michael Mando probably couldn't shoot the promo himself and just voice acted, and so they used another actor and made it so the camera never sees Vaas's face.

^ There is also a survival guide titled Face Your Insanity written by post-Rook events Jason Brody as part of the Insane Edition.

Far Cry 3 | E3 2012 Step Into Insanity Trailer [NORTH AMERICA] // this has a few close-ups of Jason and Vaas switching places with each other

Far Cry 3 Interviews (via @lulu2992)

Far Cry 3 Tweets by Jeffrey Yohalem, the lead writer. (also compiled by @/lulu2992! Thanks again!)

Far Cry 4

Divya Kandala's Blog (archived on the Wayback Machine) // Divya Kandala is a fictional journalist who wrote a blog about her travels to Kyrat, her blog's basically world-building promo for FC4. You could also find the house she stayed at in Kyrat!

Far Cry 4 TV Commercial

Far Cry 4 | Kyrat Tuk Tuk Stories //this is the MOST we see ajay in third person in promo content

Far Cry 4 - CGI Trailer // this isn't exactly RARE but it took forever for me to find that clip of ajay's eyes reflecting from the kukri. plus he looks EXTREMELY caucasian which really doesn't help the rumors I've heard that they originally wanted Jason again as FC4's protag

Comedy Central Far Cry 4 Commercial feat Danny Pudi & Donald Glover

Far Cry 4 and Childish Gambino: The Collaboration | PS4, PS3 // a music video for Crawl by Childish Gambino done as a collab

Old Archive.Org link to the Far Cry 4 webpage that had a choose your own adventure campaign

^ and the youtube video to promote it

Far Cry 4 | Behind the Scene Trailer 1/3 [Europe] // developer vlogs when they visited Nepal and interviewed the ghurka that became base for Golden Path, you can see the village that resembles Banapur a lot!

Far Cry 4 Performance Capture Interview // you can see Janina Gavankar, Amita's actress doing some mocap in this

Janina Gavankar Talks Far Cry 4 - ^ and the interview with her after

World Gameplay Premiere - Walkthrough E3 2014 - Far Cry 4 // this was to showcase gameplay but they eventually took out this entire mission where you have to wingsuit to Ratu Gadhi (Yuma's fortress), which is a shame because it looked very nice.

Far Cry 5

i'll be honest, im not a fc5 girlie, so i dont usually do a lot of digging, and im pretty sure these are actually not obscure at all. but these are trailers i found that really blew it out of the park. the marketing team for 5 really went HAM

Far Cry 5: Teaser Trailer | Ubisoft //this has a peggie banging someone's head to a church bell rhythmically with the gorgeous view of Montana mountains as backdrop and i for one, find it hilarious

Far Cry 5 | The Sermon - Live Action Trailer

Far Cry 5 | The Baptism - Live Action Trailer //somebody once mentioned this one has Joseph looking like Trevor GTA and i have never quite known peace ever since. it really also shows the reality of how Joseph is actually just really Unwell, and lore that Joseph killed Pastor Jerome's daughter that never showed up in-game.

Far Cry 5: Anything Can Happen, Everything Will - Live Action TV Spot | Trailer // mixes live action and game CGI renders, pretty cool actually!

The Making of Far Cry 5 | Behind the Scenes of Ubisoft [Documentary]

Far Cry 6 Comics

not gonna put in FC6 stuff because they're actually very easy to find! lots of trailers and mocaps and interviews on youtube :) Far Cry 6 actually has a more obscure lore in their comics

Far Cry: Esperanza's Tears comic // this is a Juan-centric prequel comic that features a completely new country, lore about Far Cry universe's political landscape, and lots of cameos from 3-6's characters! very interesting read especially if you're a sucker for backstories like me

Far Cry: Rite of Passage comic // this is more popular as it features Anton telling Diego the backstories for 3-5's villains.

There is also a book titled The Official Far Cry Survival Guide written by a fictional character called Hunter Nash, who supposedly grew up with Hope County-level of a doomsday prepper dad and winds up as a journalist who travels to the locations of 3-6 and wrote how to survive each location accordingly. It's adorned with official artwork of the games and plenty of survival tips. Not much lore-wise, but cool nonetheless! it also fuels my co-workers au ideas but that's personal.

i have actually found stuff like a really old MTV show called Undressed with Gianpaolo Venuta where he uses his Jason voice for his character, and how Patrick Kwok-Choon, the new voice actor for Ajay does voice acting in Thomas the Train Engine and Paw Patrol, and an indie movie with Greg Bryk where he wears fun sunglasses like Joseph, but that's neither here nor there to the franchise, so eh. // i'll edit this post if i find more, so maybe check back sometimes!

[statusquoergo]

i've been rewatching suits and this is such a small detail, but it blew me away now that i've noticed it. in 3x08, after the whoel stephen huntley revelation and ava's trial beginning, jessica shows up at harvey's door with a very expensive bottle of scotch that he gifted her. they drink it, formulate a plan, and harvey then goes to mike's place to pull him.into the plan. and the first thing he does when he gets there is walk to the fridge to grab some of mike's cheap (i'm assuming) beer. something about that those two drinks being back to back just hit me

That is indeed an astute observation, thank you for pointing it out! I never realized Harvey's taste in alcohol isn't quite as discerning as he likes to pretend; "any port in a storm," as the saying goes.

Right, okay, done with that obvious absolute lie. Of course, it's not at all about the quality of the liquor in either situation; I mean, sure, the quality of the scotch in connection to Jessica and the quality of the beer in connection to Mike are their own minor symbolic gestures, but both scenarios are more about the overall symbolism than the product itself. Harvey is just as comfortable in that shitty apartment with the Pabst Blue Ribbon as he is in his penthouse with Johnnie Walker Blue Label because it's not really about the drink at all, it's about who he's drinking it with. Not that I think he'd mind if Mike refined his tastes a bit, but there's certainly something to be said for not needing to put on any pretenses, and letting down his guard for a while.

I sure hope he doesn't still have the taste of whiskey in his mouth by the time he gets to Mike's, though, I cannot imagine those two would blend well...

[tacticalhimbo]

unorganized far cry 6 thoughts that have been plaguing me for days now:

out of all the regions, maximas matanzas' was sadly the weakest one. i really wish they'd shown more of just how cruel the true yaran academy and the abusive system maría marquessa was in charge of really were. you can find notes about it at different outposts and restricted areas, sure, but i wish there was more to it in general. propaganda is a lethal weapon, and i wish we got to see more on how that impacts yara and its culture.

especially when you consider the whole subplot and the lore with oluso, the oluwas, and the triada. the fact this indigenous yaran culture and religion is so hidden as the game's events take place... far cry has just always like. hit the nail on the head with the overarching theme of colonization done through brutalistic military (or psuedomilitary) force.

i wish we saw more of the oluwas and the triada...

that said, i really enjoyed how they showed how easy dani (as an individual) really had it in terms of escape in comparison to people like paolo. alejo was the one who'd made the deal with bembé to get him and dani out of there; dani just knew they had a free ticket. paolo is the mirror to alejo in that sense... he made the deal to try getting himself and talia out, it fell through, and now paolo is stuck paying that price.

speaking of maría marquessa... i want more castillo family drama. i so badly wish we could have seen more interactions between maría and diego and antón.

i wholeheartedly believe that behind the scenes, maría was there for diego. the bits we do see really give off the vibe that she cared for him and would die for her son (i mean, she died... not for him tho-) and i just... i wish we saw that. more. whether through small interactions in existing scenes, new scenes, or in notes, of how being a mother has impacted her/her work.

also idgaf what anybody says, the queer representation in this game is incredible. the subtler confirmations (re: clara garcia effectively being confirmed by her voice actress) and the outright demonstrations (re: paolo and rosa mel/gilberto, to name a few) are just so... good. and diverse in their own right. paolo's line about his revolution not ending when yara's does is so fucking good and he made many points.

once again spreading my agenda that juan cortez and willis huntley were enemies/allies/lovers with benefits like... the tension between them in the comics? the fact there's notes (iirc) about willis you can find. the fact the dog tag charm you can get for dani's gun(s) are willis'???

circling back, i can see why they did this system (both in terms of logistics and themes; i remember what lucky mama said about dani being like el lobo) but... i still lowkey wish we got human companions/amigos in addition to the animals. imagine if they kept the current amigos, introduced some of the recurring side characters as potential amigos. and either had it where you could only have one amigo at a time, or utilized a fallout-esque system of "one human; one non-human".

and there's more to this but i can't like formulate it. a lot of it just boils down to i wish we saw more sides to the central and side characters and saw them a bit more fleshed out...

that said far cry 6 is my favorite far cry. like. genuinely. i LOVE the others (esp 3 and 4.. my beloveds...), and i liked the stories of 2 and new dawn... but MAN i just. love. far cry 6 and i think it has so much good potential and an astonishing environment.

i'm just a whore for lore and i need to know everything and flesh it out and OUGHHH...

[deewellsosd]

The Revolution Will Not Be Televised… And Here’s Why That Still Matters

Gil Scott-Heron’s iconic spoken-word piece “The Revolution Will Not Be Televised” (1971) isn’t just poetry—it’s a wake-up call that’s just as relevant today as it was over 50 years ago. Whether you first heard it sampled in hip-hop, studied it in school, or are just now discovering it, its message is clear: real change doesn’t happen on a screen. It happens in real life, through direct action.

So, what does he mean by “the revolution will not be televised”?

Scott-Heron wasn’t saying that the media would ignore the revolution (though let’s be real, mainstream media has a history of distorting Black movements). He was making a bigger point: You can’t sit back and watch revolution like a TV show. It’s not passive. It’s active. You have to get involved.

A Warning Against Media Distractions

Throughout the song, Scott-Heron name-drops popular brands and TV shows of the era—everything from Green Acres to NBC’s Huntley-Brinkley Report—to highlight how media and consumer culture keep people distracted. Sound familiar? Today, we scroll through endless content, from celebrity gossip to viral dances, while real issues demand our attention.

Even more, his line “The revolution will not go better with Coke” calls out the corporate co-opting of social movements. (Think of all those brands that suddenly “care” about social justice—until the news cycle moves on.)

The Power of Black Consciousness

Scott-Heron’s words align with the radical thought of the Black Power Movement, Malcolm X, and the Black Panthers. He challenges people to wake up, get organized, and recognize that change won’t come from watching—it comes from doing. His call to action? Stop waiting for mainstream approval and start making change happen within your community.

Why It Still Matters Today

Fast forward to 2025, and we live in the age of viral activism. Social media can be a tool for mobilization—but it can also create the illusion that sharing a post is enough. Scott-Heron’s message reminds us that hashtags and news clips aren’t the revolution—showing up, organizing, and taking action is.

His famous line—“You will not be able to stay home, brother”—rings true now more than ever. Whether it’s fighting for voting rights, equity in education, or justice in our communities, change requires more than spectators. It needs participants.

So, what’s your revolution, and how are you making it happen? 🤔

[astrophysicist-guitar-god]

Calling all Freddie-philes, and in particular anyone familiar with pre-Queen/verrry early Queen Freddie...

So! This comes from Part 5 of the fabulously information-packed Queen Before Queen series transcribed and posted by @melisa-may-taylor72. 

From Queen Before Queen, The 1960’s Recordings - Part Five: Ibex, Wreckage, and Sour Milk Sea, here. I’ve included the entire section for context, but the last paragraph is what has me...curious. Pertinent bits bolded by me.

Why did Freddie ask another guitarist to come play with Queen, specifically to “jam a bit” with Roger and John? 

This guy didn’t have his own guitar, so he tried to play the Red Special (and couldn’t). Were they (Freddie) thinking of adding another guitarist? And if so...why? 

The group was set by that point, so...why? 

I am unendingly curious about this, and I’ve never seen it mentioned outside of this article. I think I did a few half-hearted Google searches, but nothing came up. If you know, hit me up with that sweet, sweet, knowledge. Thanks!

SCHEMER

“When Sour Milk Sea broke up it was a terrible shock,” admits Chris. “It was fairly acrimonious. Rubber had basically bankrolled the band by buying all the equipment, so he took back his Gibson SG Standard that I’d been playing and my Marshall stack, and I was pretty fucked. I was just eighteen. Our drummer, Rob Tyrell, went off with Rubber in another band, and I went off to work in Huntley & Palmer’s bakery in Reading for months on end to get the money to buy my own guitar.” And, as Chris revealed to Mark Hodkinson, “I was planning to form another band with Freddie, but not having a guitar and not having much money put the kibosh on the idea”.

“We liked Freddie,” admits Rob Tyrell. “He was fun. But he was quite a schemer in a way. He had other things cooking. I could feel it in my bones he wasn’t really interested in us. He knew he was good. He kind of used us as a stepping stone.”

Freddie had been through three different groups in less than seven months. What next? “He finally persauded Brian and Roger to form that band,” recalls Mike Bersin. Having known and observed each other for a while, Freddie, Brian and Roger were more compatible than Freddie had been with relative strangers like Chris Chesney and Jeremy Gallop. All the new band needed now was a name.

The previous summer, members of Ibex, Mike Bersin in particular, had began to refer to Freddie, and indeed to Roger Taylor, as “queens” or “old queens” — as Freddie’s letter to Celine Daley shows. And Freddie was obvi­ously far from averse to the term. Brian and Roger put forward the Grand Dance (from C.S. Lewis’ ‘Out Of The Silent Planet’ trilogy) as a suggestion for their new outfit. “But they decided on Queen as being more direct,” adds Mike Bersin. It had, of course, been Freddie’s choice. By this time, Freddie had changed his own name, too. Bulsara was too exotic, too Zanzibar. The explanation of his replacement comes from Chris Chesney. “Freddie was a Virgo,” he reveals, “and Mercury was his ruling planet.”

“Later on,” concludes Chris, “when they auditioned John Deacon, Freddie made some overtures for me to come and play with Queen. I hadn’t played for a few months, but they wanted me to jam a bit with Roger and John. It was really awkward, because Brian’s gui­tar was unplayable if you’re used to playing a proper, commercial guitar. It wasn’t what I wanted to do. And anyway, by then, I felt they had the chemistry in Queen just right.”

[nat-seal-well]

Werewolf (WIP) Wednesday

I’m on my lunch break right now and I figured I would share a little bit of the original thing I’ve been working on <3 it’s been a long time since I last wrote anything original, so we’ll see how this goes, lol.

(TW for emetophobia)

Lauren Huntley wakes the same way she does about once a month, which is to say she wakes sore, with her head at an angle that sends pain shooting up the back of her skull, and covered in something that is sticky. Or was sticky, once. It’s dry now and tight across the exposed stretches of her skin, like a second epidermal layer.

All of these things are not unusual. They are not unusual on their own, anyway. Desperate, Lauren can handle them, like tasks to address and cross off on a list one at a time. All at once is an entirely different story. She pries her eyes open and then shuts them closed again when her ailments bombard her, as if doing so will make them go away, like they had before she first woke.

It doesn’t work like that, her brain says idly. Technically, it was all still there before you opened your eyes. You just weren’t away for that.

To which Lauren tells the lump of fat in her skull, Thanks for that.

It occurs to her a second later that she actually has a brain to have stray thoughts again in the first place. Maybe she shouldn’t be so hard on her wandering mind, after all. Having actual, coherent musings is a luxury she’s learned to appreciate after all these years. Most people wouldn’t consider it to be a luxury at all, and rather a normal part of everyday life, and being—you know, human—but then again, that’s most people. Lauren stopped being a part of the majority a king time ago. For better or worse. And usually it’s for the worst.

As nice as lying in place for the rest of forever sounds, she knows she has to get up and start moving at some point. Might as well get it over with.

Light overhead blinds her when she opens her eyes a second time. She has to blink it away before they can adjust, but she already knows what it is. The source can only come from one thing. Besides, the rest of her senses already have enough information gathered to put together a general picture of where she is. More or less.

The sunlight is warm and early-morning yellow, pale like the shade of a child’s bedroom wall. (Lauren’s was never that color, but she had a friend whose room was, and it reminds her of fresh days and cereal bowls after late-night sleepovers.) She is flat on her back and facing the sky, and it would be almost pleasant if it weren’t for the mud under her. And all the other things that are already bothering her. The bubbling of a river at her side is a nice touch, though. She’ll have to thank the other her for choosing such a nice place to black out after… all of it. Even if she ended up deciding to use a rock as a makeshift pillow.

As wakefulness returns to her, she finds she’s grateful for the moving water more for than just the soothing background noise it provides.

Lauren fights against the aching in her bones so that she can haul herself upright and into a sitting position. There is a—a taste in her mouth. She recognizes it in a sort of twofold way. There is the other her, the one who was responsible for it. That version revels in the gamy lingering on her tongue and the tang of iron. But unfortunately, that one is not at the forefront at the moment, or in charge of all the controls. If she was, Lauren wouldn’t be here, in this physical form, gagging at the persistent flavor of raw, massacred—is that elk?—still in her mouth. And because it’s this version of her, she lurches to her knees so she can make for the undergrowth by the riverside, where she promptly empties the entire contents of her stomach onto the forest floor.

Elk. It’s always elk. Lauren hates elk.

[realityjoey]

THE WOULD-BE PRINCE OF DARKNESS (1.3)

COLOUR KEY.

RED = lust / hot / tension / desire / dirty / overprotective

ORANGE = family & friends moments

GREEN = anger / jealousy

BLUE = sad / denial / confusion

PURPLE = romantic / cute / they’re so in love / caring

PINK = funny

The next day, Joey had woken up and decided to do some further research on Lucifer. She was currently sitting at the breakfast table of her house, laptop open, googling ‘debunking hypnotism’.

Joey was focused on reading an article when Arlo comes through. “Are you doing homework?” He asks, looking up at her curiously.

“Um, sort of.” Joey replies.

“What’s the assignment?” Arlo asks.

“Uh, well, I saw Lucifer do some things that I can’t explain.” Joey replies, vaguely.

“Is Lucifer a magician?” Arlo asks, smiling.

“That’s sort of what I’m trying to figure out.” Joey says.

“When Stevie comes, maybe he can help.” Arlo suggests. “Sometimes Stevie helps me with my homework.”

“I’m not sure Steve has the answers to these questions.” Joey says.

“Why don’t you just ask Lucifer?” Dev asks, from the sofa.

“Because if he’s a magician, then he won’t reveal his secrets.” Joey tells her. “So I have to find out on my own how Lucifer does… these things…” She says, when suddenly her phone starts ringing. “That I can’t explain.” She then picks up her phone, seeing it’s coming from an unknown number. “Oh, that can’t be him.” She mumbles to herself, before answering. “Anderson.” She answers. “Lucifer, how did you even get this number?” She asks, Arlo grinning up at her.

Lucifer had asked Joey to meet him at a location as it was an ‘emergency’ yet he wouldn’t specify what. Steve had collected Arlo and Dev to take them to school, and Joey headed straight over.

“Excuse the mess, but it’s so good of you to come, Detective Anderson.” Lucifer thanks, walking her through the mansion as Joey looks around, confused.

“Thanks for being super cryptic in a really unhelpful way. What’s the emergency?” Joey asks.

Lucifer chuckles, then places a hand on the small of her back, directing her in the right direction. “Well, it’s— it’s better to show than tell, really.” He says, stopping in front of a swimming pool, where he points uncomfortably to a dead girl, floating face down in the pool.

Joey had gotten a team over, and had spoken to the coroner. They had found out it was a murder rather than an accident, so Joey began assessing her suspects.

“So, what happened?” She asks Ty Huntley, the owner of the house, therefore host of the party.

“Um, well, I woke up early, ‘cause my head hurt. I… uh, I had a hangover. I… I’ve never drank before, so…” Ty begins.

“That’s on me. Sorry.” Lucifer apologises, interrupting them.

“Yeah, so I came down to get some water and that’s— that’s when I saw her in the pool.” Ty explains.

“Did you know her?” Joey asks.

“Not before last night.” Ty answers. “I talked to her for a little bit. Her name was, uh, Ali, maybe?” He says. “I don’t know, I mean, I’m having a hard time remembering.” He sighs. “You think she fell in the pool and drowned?”

“No. I think she was murdered.” Joey states.

“Oh, my God, that’s… that’s terrible.” Ty says.

“So why didn’t you call the police right away?” Joey questions.

“Well, I told Lucifer. And he said… he said that he would call the police.” Ty replies, looking at Lucifer.

“And I did.” Lucifer says, as Joey glares at him. “Detective Anderson is a homicide detective. She’s been very helpful in the other murders that I’ve encountered.” He tells Ty, proudly.

“I am not your personal police concierge.” Joey whispers, facing Lucifer.

“You are gonna find out who did this, aren’t you?” Lucifer replies, smiling.

Joey inhales deeply. “Of course I am, because that’s my job. Not because you want me to.”

“Right.” Lucifer scoffs.

“First things last: Do you have any idea of who had contact with her last night?” Joey turns her attention back to Ty.

“Um, no, uh, no, but they asked me to get the… the guest list.” Ty replies, handing Joey a sheet of paper.

“Oh, geez.” Joey whispers to herself. “250 guests. You know what that means.” She says to Lucifer.

“Great party.” Lucifer smiles.

“250 suspects.” Joey corrects, sighing.

Later on, Joey catches Lucifer irritating one of the forensic scientists by messing around with their equipment, so she walks over, grabs his arm, dragging him away. “Stop interfering.” She tells him.

“I’m helping. You forget that my expertise is finding the right people to punish, Detective.” Lucifer replies. “It’s what I do. Or, uh, did at least.”

“You want to do something? Then help account for everyone who was at the party.” Joey says.

“Oh?” Lucifer says, raising his eyebrows.

“Coroner puts the time of death between 1 and 3am. Actually, is there someone who can vouch for your whereabouts at the time?” Joey asks.

“Several someone’s, in fact.” Lucifer grins, then looks over to a trio of girls talking to a police officer and points in their direction. “Get them to tell you every little detail just to make sure that I’m not lying.”

“I’ll have someone else handle that.” Joey says bitterly, walking away.

“So… a bona fide killer on the loose that needs to be punished.” Lucifer shouts, following after Joey, who’s now leaning over Ty. They’re looking at the photos from last night. “Time to punch in.” He says, peering over Joey’s shoulder.

“There she is.” Joey says, pointing at the screen. “Do you know anyone here?” She asks Ty, referring to the other people around Ali in the photo.

“No, sorry.” Ty apologises, looking at the people in the photo. “I mean, people just show up to these things.” He shrugs.

“Did anyone look suspicious?” Joey asks.

Lucifer scoffs. “Where do we start, Detective? I mean, look at those big strong hands.” He says, pointing at a man in the photo. “Perfect for squeezing the life out of someone.” He says. “Oh, ginger lad.” He points at the red-head. “Soulless bastards. Give even me the creeps.” He shivers. “I..” He goes to continue, until acknowledging Joey’s glare.

“You need to sit with the witnesses.” She decides, taking a hold of his hand and leading him over.

“Haven’t I proven myself extremely useful at detectiving?” Lucifer argues.

“Actually, no. I don’t need your help colour-commentating.” Joey tells him. “I need facts and hard evidence. So, unless you can help me with either, stay.” She orders, as she slides the door shut, leaving Lucifer on the other side to her.

“But I don’t want to be stuck out here with these miscreants.” Lucifer complains, looking through the transparent sliding doors at Joey.

“These are your people.” She teases, before walking away.

“Detective!” He shouts through the glass, placing a hand on it, but giving up when he realises Joey has left. Lucifer looks around at the people surrounding him, seeing somebody throwing up in a nearby bush. “This won’t do at all.” He mumbles to himself.

Meanwhile, Joey had been searching through all of the leftover items from the party, when Dan and Chloe enter the room.

“Hey. We heard all hands on deck, so we came as quick as we could.” Dan tells her.

“These all the unclaimed items from the party?” Chloe asks, as her and Dan slide a pair of gloves on.

“Yeah, I checked everything. Unfortunately, no I.D that matches our victim.” Joey tells the two.

“So, what are you thinking?” Dan asks.

“Well, I’m thinking our victim wore a cute red dress.” Joey begins, handing Chloe the iPad with the photo of the victim for them both to look at. “There’s no way she’d have that pink clutch. She was out to have fun, so that nixes anything big and bulky, like a tote.” Joey rambles, tossing aside unsuitable items. “I don’t know. I’m looking for something small, a little sexy, classy…”

Chloe notices a small, sparkly silver purse, and picks it up. “Something like this?” She asks, handing it to Joey, whose eyes light up.

“Wait a minute, I thought you said all this stuff was searched already for I.D.” Dan questions.

“I’m not looking for an I.D. I’m looking for a car.” Joey replies, finding the car keys in the silver purse, fishing them out and pointing them to the car on the driveway, unlocking it. Bingo.

Due to Joey finding the car keys and now having access to the car, they were able to discover further details about their victim. “Ali Thornton, 23, from Boise, Idaho.” Dan reads off the iPad. “Her info matches the registration we found in the glove box.”

“Hmm.” Joey hums. “She was a long way from home.”

“What were you doing here, Ali?” Chloe asks, looking at the photo of Ali again.

“I’ll see what I can find on her.” Dan says, picking up the iPad, leaving.

“Detectives, I found something in the master bedroom.” An officer tells Joey and Chloe, leading them upstairs. “Found this here in the bed.” She tells them, picking up a fake acrylic nail between a pair of tweezers, shining a torch on it for them to get a better look. “And it matches the missing fingernail of the victim.”

“Isn’t this Ty’s bedroom?” Chloe asks.

“Yeah, looks like they did a lot more than talk.” Joey replies, when suddenly the sound of a woman moaning comes from the other side of the wall. Joey follows the sound, peering round the corner, looking down the corridor, only to spot Lucifer leaning against the wall, smirking at something he was watching on his phone— where the sound was coming from.

Joey leaves the master bedroom, making her way up to Lucifer. “What the hell are you doing?” She asks, irritated.

“Well, since you banished me outside with the lepers, I decided to make myself useful.” He replies, keeping his eyes locked on the screen.

“You call watching porn on your phone useful?” Joey asks.

“This isn’t my phone, Detective.” Lucifer corrects. “I think it’s our recently departed’s.” He tells her. Joey then takes the phone from his hands, looking at the screen.

“Where did you get this?” She asks, realising it’s a sex tape of Ty and Ali.

“Just heard a ringy-ding and followed the noise. Now, is delete the little rubbish bin—?” He begins, going to press the delete button.

“No.” Joey says, moving the phone out of his reach. “You can’t delete anything on this phone.”

“But it shows Ty and Ali having sex.” Lucifer says. “It’s very distracting.”

“Wait.” Joey says quietly, still watching the video.

“Ooh, you reached the money shot?” Lucifer asks, peering over her shoulder to watch the rest of the video as well.

They watch the video together. In the video, Ty is seen to notice the camera and the fact that Ali is filming them. Ty then angrily grabs the phone, ending the video. Joey’s face drops; she looks down the corridor, seeing Ty speaking to an officer. Suddenly, she makes her way towards him— fast.

“Where are you going?” Lucifer calls. “Detective!” He shouts, following after her.

“Hey!” Joey says, approaching Ty.

“What’s going on?” Ty asks, confused at Joey’s demeanour.

“Detective, you’re making a mistake.” Lucifer tells her.

“Stay out of this, Lucifer.” Joey tells him. “Cuff him.” She orders the officer who had been previously talking to Ty.

“Wait, what?” Ty asks, as his hands are cuffed behind his back.

“Ty Huntley, you’re under arrest for the murder of Ali Thornton.” Joey states.

“This is ridiculous. Lucifer, this is all your fault. I wish I’d never met you.” Ty blames him angrily.

The officer takes Ty away. Lucifer sighs, turning to Joey. “Trust me, Detective. I have been doing this a long time. I know evil. You’ve arrested the wrong man. The person responsible is still out there.”

“How are you so sure?” Joey questions.

“Well, what desire would Ty have to kill a girl giving him a wonderful time?” Lucifer retorts.

“Ty had a squeaky clean image. He sleeps with a girl. Then he finds out she’s taping him. She’s gonna ruin everything. He gets angry and loses control. You saw the video.” Joey guesses.

“The only thing that video proves is that Ty had sex.” Lucifer defends. “He was horny, not murderous.”

“Then why would he lie about it?” Joey asks.

Lucifer pauses. “Blame the tequila.”

“He had motive and opportunity.” Joey shrugs.

“Look, I just want to make sure that you’re punishing the right person.” Lucifer says.

“I will.” Joey nods. “That’s what I do.”

“Lovely, we want the same thing.” Lucifer smiles. “And there’s something else on the phone that you should look into—“

“No more porn. I’m good.” Joey interrupts.

“No, it’s not that. We should look into it—“

“We, as in the LAPD, will look into it.” Joey interrupts again. “You can go now.” She dismisses, as he nods hesitantly, walking off. As soon as he’s out of sight, Joey curiously opens up the phone.

Lucifer makes his way back to Lux, when he notices Maze by the bar. “Line up some shots, Maze.” He calls as he walks down the stairs. Maze turns around, holding a hand up for him to wait as she’s listening to someone on the phone. Lucifer sighs, “Oh, hell, I may just take a bottle.”

“Thank you.” Maze says to the person on the phone, then puts it down. “That was the LAPD.” She tells him.

“Ah, was Detective Anderson calling to apologise?” He assumes, pouring himself a drink. “Unless it involves lingerie, I don’t accept.” He smirks.

“Financial Investigations Unit.” Maze corrects.

“Hmm?” Lucifer furrows his eyebrows.

“Apparently, you destroyed the honeymoon suite at the Budget Hut in Tarzana last night.” Maze tells him, struggling to withhold her laugh.

“I’d rather return to the fires of Hell than spend a night in Tarzana.” Lucifer says, scrunching his face in disgust.

“And then, someone with your name and credit card skipped out on a $2,000 tab at Zany Wings.” Maze now lets her laugh out, turning into a cackle.

“Do I look like I’d eat a Zany Wing?” Lucifer asks, offended. “Someone is clearly masquerading as me!” He says, as Maze continues laughing. “Rap battles and hot wings.” He scoffs. “You need to find this cheap knockoff and make him suffer— do you understand?”

“Why? You said it yourself— humans are fascinating, right?” She teases. Lucifer scoffs. “I can’t wait to see what this one does next.” She grins, walking off, laughing to herself;f.

Lucifer then decides the best solution to discuss his feelings about this impostor is to visit Dr. Linda. Currently, he is pacing up and down the room whilst Linda listens to his ‘extreme’ problem.

“It’s not right!” He declares. “I mean, Budget Huts and Zany WIngs?! I mean, this malfeasance reprobate is diluting the Lucifer brand! Finally, I get my father’s beef with graven images.” He says, angrily.

“Sounds like this guy’s really gotten under your skin.” Linda comments.

“Typical in a town full of charlatans. This is a place built on lies where nothing is authentic or genuine. You don’t even have to be famous to get a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame? You can just buy one!” He yells, astounded.

“Are we still talking about the imposter?” Linda asks.

Lucifer finally sits down. “Yes. I’m gonna tear him limb from limb.”

“Uh… is it possible you might be overreacting a bit?” Linda suggests.

“No!” Lucifer disagrees. “How would you feel if some off-the-rack impostor was dragging your name through the trenches of Encino?”

“Well, someone stole my identity a few years back. And after a few long calls to the IRS and the bank, everything was fine. No big deal.” Linda says, only to receive a scoff from Lucifer.

“No big deal.” Lucifer laughs. “That’s because you’re you. I’m me! And this is a— a travesty!”

“But your reaction, your anger towards this minor inconvenience feels a little… disproportionate to the crime.” Linda tells him. “There might be some displacement.”

“I’ll show you displacement when I displace his bollocks and throw them on the floor and stamp on them one at a time!” Lucifer snaps.

“Why don’t you tell me again about this case you were working on?” Linda changes topic.

“Well… nothing more to say.” He shrugs, taking a sip of his water. “A girl was killed and Detective Anderson is going after the wrong person.”

“And that doesn’t bother you?” Linda asks.

“Well, why should it?” Lucifer replies.

“Well, because from everything you’ve told me, it sounds like Ty probably had nothing to do with this murder. That he got himself into— or someone helped him into a bad situation.” Linda explains. “And that bothers you.”

“Yes.” Lucifer nods.

“Why?” Linda asks.

“Because I punish the guilty. And Ty’s not guilty.” He replies, leaning forward, smiling as an idea pops into his head.

Meanwhile, Joey was visiting Ty’s agent in the agency building. Joey walks up to the front desk, showing her badge. “Detective Joey Anderson, LAPD. I’m here to see Ty Huntley’s agent, Joe Hanson.”

“I’m sorry, without an appointment—“ The receptionists begins, before Joey’s attention is caught by some loud laughing nearby. Joey looks up the stairs where the laughter was coming from, only to hear Lucifer’s familiar voice, seeing him talking to a bunch of agents.

“Let me get this right, the clients do all the work, yet you chaps make all the money?” Lucifer smiles, the agents nodding. “Really? And they call me the Devil!” He laughs, and so do they. “If I ever return to Hell, you kids will be my first call.”

Joey shakes her head, walking up the stairs to him. “Oh, one last thing before I go. Which one of you is into killing attractive red heads?” He asks, just as Joey appears by his side. All the agents look uncomfortable. Rightly so.

“Lucifer?” Joey mumbles sternly.

“A word?” She asks, walking away from the agents.

Lucifer turns back to the group of agents. “Oop.” He says to them, as if he’s in trouble, before following Joey.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” Joey asks him, once he walks back to her.

“Finding, then punishing Ali Thornton’s actual killer.” Lucifer replies.

“How did you know to come to this agency?” Joey questions.

“I tried to tell you, Detective. On the dead girl’s phone. She called here—“

“Here and traded calls with Ty’s agency a few hours before she was killed. I know. I checked her phone records.” Joey finishes off.

“And you’re welcome.” Lucifer smirks.

“I also found out that the call was transferred to Ty’s agent, Joe Hanson.” Joey adds.

“Right, so why did the dead girl even know Ty’s agent?” Lucifer asks. “I mean, she was Ty’s one night stand. It hardly makes sense.”

“Well, that’s what I’m here to find out.” Joey says, pointing out the obvious. “And that’s why you can go now.” She says, only for Lucifer to start laughing. “What’s so funny?”

“Well, the fact that you think I’m gonna go.” Lucifer replies, smirking. “It’s hilarious, actually.” He continues laughing.

Joey smiles dryly at him. “Lucifer, I don’t need your hep.”

“Look, I’m not trying to solve this for you. I’m ensuring that the right person is held responsible.” He says, as Joey shakes her head. “Look, come on, I’ve been helpful before, haven’t I, Detective?”

“You step out of line one time—“

“You can give me a right good spanking, I promise.” He smirks. “Come on, let’s go.” He says, brushing past her, back up the stairs.

They reach Joe Hanson’s office, and begin talking to him. “Ty wouldn’t do something like this. He’s such a good kid.” Joe says, sitting in his officer chair, as Joey sits opposite. Lucifer on the other hand has decided to scope out his office.

“I’m actually more curious about you, Mr. Hanson.” Joey replies.

“Me?” Mr. Hanson chuckles. “Why? I didn’t even go to the party. I had to work.”

“You spoke to the victim a few hours before she was killed.” Joey says.

“Maybe it’s best if I don’t say anything without my attorney.” Mr. Hanson says.

“Joey! Joe, Joe.” Lucifer suddenly shouts, catching Joey by surprise, only to realise he’s referring to Mr. Hanson. “There’s no need for that. Why don’t you tell me what you really want, hmm?” Lucifer says, walking over to him. “What desires drive a man such as yourself?” He asks, placing his hands on the desk, leaning closer to Mr. Hanson.

“I want to be the greatest agent of all time.” Mr. Hanson replies.

“Really?” Lucifer says.

“And to do that, I need to protect my clients.” Mr. Hanson continues.

“Come on.” Lucifer encourages, wanting more.

“And, uh…” Mr. Hanson falters.

“If you want to protect Ty, tell us what you know.” Joey says, standing out of her seat, leaning her hands on the desk like Lucifer.

Mr. Hanson pauses, then chuckles. “Let’s make a deal. I’ll tell you everything. You look into something.”

“Here’s a deal. You tell us everything, and I don’t cuff you in front of your coworkers and take you in.” Joey replies. “I know how this goes. Ali’s a young actress looking for a break. An agent promises to help her out, in exchange she’s treated like a party favour to your star clients.”

“Okay, okay.” Mr. Hanson holds his hands up. “I did call Ali.” He confesses. “I hired her to have sex with Ty.”

“Wow, seems I wasn’t the only one who wanted the young virgin to loosen up.” Lucifer smiles.

“No, I loved the virgin angle. It’s a clean hook, got him a lot of attention.” Mr. Hanson says, before getting out of his chair, walking over to his draws. “But, Ty was a mess. I needed him to get over his ex.”

“Why?” Joey asks, as Mr. Hanson grabs a file from the draw, opening it and putting it on the desk in front of Lucifer and Joey. “Geez.” Joey mumbles, flicking through the file.

“Popular boy, this Ty— isn’t he?” Lucifer adds. “So what, did this anger his ex or something?” He asks, pointing to the file which was almost like a shrine of Ty.

“No, it’s from his ex.” Mr. Hanson says. “Debra Macall. She left this behind one of the many times she came here trying to find him.” He says. “She used to call all the time trying to get a hold of him.”

“So, he dated a crazy fan?” Joey says.

“He didn’t know it at the beginning.” Mr. Hanson replies. “So when I figured it out, he had already fallen for her.”

“Oh, I supposed I can understand why.” Lucifer chuckles, pointing to one of the photos of Debra, showing Joey who stares at him blankly.

“After a while, Debra got possessive, controlling— she thought she was managing him. So, I told Ty he needed to break up with her. He refused. I made Ty file a restraining order after she broke a girl’s nose just for buying him a mojito.” Mr. Hanson explains.

“Quite a hair trigger on this Debra, by the sounds of it.” Lucifer says, Joey humming in agreement.

“If Debra found out that Ty was with that poor girl…” Mr. Hanson says, shaking his head.

Lucifer and Joey had decided to go and visit Debra, who was supposed to be at some yoga class, so they were waiting in Joey’s car together for her to finish and leave the building.

“Hmm. Finally, some rain.” Joey comments, watching the rain drops fall down her window. “Maybe someone up there is looking out for us.”

“I can assure you, he’s in no way meteorologically inclined.” Lucifer replies. “Apart from the whole Noah thing, and that was a one-off.”

Joey pauses, looking at him strangely. “Anyhow, her roommate confirmed that she took the 4:00pm class, so… Ty’s ex should be out any second now.”

“I told you you had the wrong man.” Lucifer says. “Wrong gender as well, apparently. Finally, we’re getting warmer.”

“Why are you so hell-bent on proving Ty’s not the killer?” Joey asks.

“Like I’ve been saying, I want to punish the real killer.” Lucifer says.

“But why?” Joey asks. “Is it ‘cause you pushed him towards Ali at the party?”

“Well, I don’t see what that has to do with anything.” He replies. “And I think you’re starting to agree with me.” He looks her up and down. “Otherwise, you wouldn’t be here, would you?”

“There she is.” Joey says, noticing the blonde girl walking out of the building.

Lucifer and Joey both get out of the car, walking towards her. “Debra Macall? I’m Detective Anderson, LAPD. We need to ask you a few questions about Ty Huntley.” Joey calls, walking up to her.

“I’ve got nothing to say.” Debra replies, turning her back and walking in the opposite direction from Lucifer and Joey, heading for her car.

“It’s either here or down at the station.” Joey says, carrying on walking after her.

“Leave me alone!” Debra shouts back, carrying on.

“Debra!” Joey shouts, when suddenly Debra’s car explodes into a cloud of flames, the impact sending both Debra and Joey to the ground. Lucifer, a few steps behind Joey, manages to stay on his feet.

The car is up in flames, the alarm blaring across the car park. Joey inches closer to Debra on the floor, placing a protective hand on her shoulder. “You okay?” She asks, but Debra is too in shock, looking at her car in horror.

“See? Warmer.” Lucifer shouts over the noise.

Joey had to call a whole squad down to the scene. It was now early on into the evening, although the sky had already turned a dark blue.

“Found this on the undercarriage.” An officer says, handing Joey a plastic bag with a remote in.

“Remote detonator.” Joey says, looking at the item inside the bag. “Whoever set off this bomb was nearby. Scour the security cameras in the area. Get facial I.D’s on anyone within a hundred block radius.” She orders, the two officers nod, leaving.

Joey then overhears Lucifer talking to Debra. “You couldn’t live with yourself for committing murder, so you set your car off to explode, didn’t you?” He accuses. “Eh? Wanted to go out in a blaze of glory.”

“Of course not.” Debra denies, as Joey walks up to them, standing next to Lucifer. “Murder? What are you talking about?”

“Oh, come on…” Lucifer scoffs.

“The bomb was triggered remotely. Whoever set it off did it before you got to the car. There’s a clear line of sight. I don’t think the plan was to kill you. I think they wanted to scare you.” Joey tells Debra. “So… you know of any reason why someone would want to do that?”

“No.” Debra shakes her head, a frightened look on her face.

“Yes, why did you run, Debra?” Lucifer asks, recalling what had happened. “Awfully guilty-looking.”

Debra hesitates. “I thought you were going to bust me for violating my restraining order.” She confesses. “I went to Ty’s party last night.” She reveals as Lucifer and Joey glance at each other suspiciously. “No, I… I just looked. From outside, through the window. I couldn’t help it, I miss him.”

“Yes, breaking up’s so hard, isn’t it?” Lucifer sympathises sarcastically. “You’re like two pathetic peas in a pod.”

“Okay, we are made for each other.” Debra says passionately. “As good as he is at football, that’s how good I am at being his girlfriend.”

“You mean ex-girlfriend.” Joey corrects.

“No, we never stay broken up. It’s just a phase.” Debra replies. “Okay, no one looks out for him the way that I do. And then I saw him kissing that girl and I…”

“Squeezed the life out of her?” Lucifer guesses.

“No!” Debra says.

“Where were you between 1:00 and 3:00am this morning?” Joey questions.

“The only place that always makes me feel better.” Debra replies.

Dan had come round to Joey’s later that evening for them to discuss further details on the case. They were currently watching the footage of Debra crying all night in a froyo shop.

“How long does this go on for?” Dan asks, shocked.

“Three hours.” Joey answers.

Dan laughs slightly. “That’s the saddest thing I’ve ever seen.”

“Yep. All night froyo shop puts Debra there well past the time of the victim’s death.” Joey says. “Her alibi checks out.”

“So Debra didn’t strangle Ali.” Dan concludes.

“Well, whoever planted the bomb went to great lengths to make us think Debra did it.” Joey says.

“Why?” Dan questions, sipping a mug of coffee.

“I don’t know.” Joey replies.

Dan pauses, then stands up, walking over to the kitchen, going into his bag. “We might actually know who rigged the car.” He says, catching Joey’s attention. She stands up, walks over to him. Dan opens up a file, showing her. “Ronnie Hillman.” He says, Joey looking at the photo.

“The big Hollywood fixer?” Joey asks, remembering the name.

“Yeah.” Dan nods. “A security cam caught her walking nearby, right after the explosion.”

“This can’t be a coincidence.” Joey says. “Someone must’ve hired her for this.”

“I’ve been trying to build a case on her for years, and every time we’ve approached her, she’s lawyered up immediately.” Dan says. “Ronnie is a pro.”

“So how do we approach her?” Joey asks.

“She’s picky about talking to strangers. Definitely no cops.” Dan says, as a light bulb goes off in Joey’s mind.

“What about someone she’d never expect us to work with?” She asks, thinking of a certain British man.

The next morning, Dan and Joey had gone to Lux to explain their plan to Lucifer. It was currently the following evening, and they were setting everything up in his penthouse.

“Do I get a code word?” Lucifer asks excitedly as he pours himself a drink. “You know, for when you take her down.” He says. “If so, might I suggest ‘monkey bottoms?’ ‘Cause trust me, I can work that into any sentence quite naturally.” He waffles.

“You sure this is a good idea?” Dan asks Joey, disapproving of Lucifer’s childishness.

“Lucifer reached out to her and she agreed to meet him, so it’s our best shot.” Joey replies, then looks at Lucifer. “And you won’t need a code word, and you wont be miked, because she’ll be looking for that. This is a simple handoff. All we need you to do is vouch for Dan as someone that needs her services.” Joey explains.

“Vouch for Detective Douche?” Lucifer says. “Oh, gosh, this is gonna be harder than I thought.”

“Once I engage with her, I will hire her to fix a problem of mine.” Dan continues, ignoring his insult.

“Right. Well, if it’s that stick up your ass, I’m afraid there’s no one strong enough to pull that out.” Lucifer teases.

“She goes there to fix my problem, our people will be waiting to arrest her.” Dan says.

“Ah.” Lucifer nods.

“And then we’ll have leverage to find out what she knows about Ali’s murder. She has information we need, so let’s just stick to the plan.” Joey reminds Lucifer, knowing what he’s like.

“Assuming, of course, Ronnie hasn’t run off because our sting suddenly turned into a Michael Bublé concert.” Lucifer teases, looking at Dan’s suit.

“Lucifer, this isn’t a game.” Dan says.

“Oh?” Lucifer replies.

“Now, are you up for this or not?” Dan asks.

“Am I up for encouraging someone to commit a nefarious act?” Lucifer says, walking up to Dan and Joey. “Mm, let me think. “ He says, then locks eyes with Joey. “Put me in, coach.” He says in a raspy voice. Joey sighs at his lack of seriousness, but nods.

They get the sting ready for action, and Lux is now full of people. Lucifer wanders around the club, when he walks past Dan, who has his arms spread on the booth sofa. “Try to look even more like a douche.” Lucifer comments. “Mission accomplished.” He says as he walks past.

Dan just ignores him, then notices Ronnie walk in. “She’s here.” He says into his mic.

“Okay, great. Here we go.” Joey replies into Dan’s earpiece from her position upstairs in Lucifer’s penthouse.

Lucifer sneaks up to Ronnie. “Ronnie Hillman.” He whispers in her ear. “Problem solver and extraordinaire.”

Ronnie smirks, turning around to face Lucifer. She traces her hands from, his face, to his neck and down his chest.

Lucifer chuckles. “You checking for a wire or are you just pleased to see me?” He teases.

Ronnie smirks, then presses his waist against hers very sexually. “Little bit of both.” She says.

“Mmm!” Lucifer hums, their mouths extremely close.

“Hello, Mr. Morningstar.” She says. “Rest assured… I can help you with your problem.”

“Well, actually, I don’t need your help.” Lucifer begins. “I… wait, what do you think my problem is?”

“Impostor running around ruining your name.” Ronnie answers. “Your professional reputation has taken a bit of a dive.” She tells him, before leaning in to whisper in his ear, “As has your sexual one, I’m afraid.” She taunts. “All those unsatisfied ladies… word gets around.” She watches Lucifer’s eyebrows furrow. “That is the reason you reached out to me, isn’t it?”

Lucifer hesitates, momentarily looking over at Dan, before focusing back on Ronnie. “Yes.” He lies. “Yes, it very much is. I do have a problem that could use your help.”

“I am all yours.” Ronnie tells him, seductively.

“Oh! Well, I like you, monkey bottoms.” Lucifer chuckles, checking her out. “Now, here’s what I need you to do…” He begins whispering in her ear.

“Lucifer, what are you doing?” Joey whispers to herself as she watches them interact through the planted camera. “Hey, Dan, what’s going on?” She asks into the mic.

Dan looks back at Ronnie and Lucifer. “I don’t know. They’re still talking.” He replies, then sees Ronnie walk away from Lucifer, heading for the exit. “And now she’s leaving.” He tells her, jumping out of his seat at the same time Joey makes her way down to the club.

They both walk up to Lucifer together. “What the hell did you do?” Dan asks Lucifer, who is ordering another drink from the bar.

“I hired the fixer to fix a problem, like you wanted.” Lucifer replies, whiskey now in hand.

“You let her go. What happened to the plan?” Dan scolds.

“I made a better one.” Lucifer shrugs.

“How?” Joey asks, annoyed.

“Just sit tight, and we’ll all get what we want.” Lucifer says calmly.

Later that evening, when Lux was now empty, Ronnie had successfully delivered the impostor who had been stealing his identity, with a black bag over his head, covering his face; and hands tied behind his back.

Lucifer struts down the stairs of the club. “Finally!” He shouts, as the impostor whimpers. “The would-be Prince of Darkness.”

“Payment due upon delivery.” Ronnie tells him.

Lucifer lets out a wry laugh, holding a finger to Ronnie. “I’d like to examine the goods first.” He says, walking closer to the imposter.

“Your dime.” Ronnie replies, taking a seat at the bar, watching as Maze and Lucifer circle the masked individual like hawks.

“Right. Let’s see the face of my impostor.” Lucifer says, Maze ripping the bag off his head, laughing at his appearance.

“The resemblance is uncanny.” Maze teases as Lucifer walks round to her side to examine the impostor.

“It most certainly is not.” Lucifer says, offended. “How could anyone think that you were me?” He says, astonished as he looks the thief up and down.

“You know who you’re messing with?” The imposter questions, in one of the most unbelievable British accents ever. Lucifer raises his eyebrows. “I’m Lucifer freaking Morningstar.”

“Oh… are you now?” Lucifer says, gasping. The imposter nods. “Well… you’ve certainly been a busy bee, haven’t you, ‘Lucifer?’” He says, walking over to the bar, topping up his drink. “Eh? Apparently, you’ve started a modelling agency, pitched a Web series.” Lucifer walks back to the impostor. “And I hear you’ve also been very active with the women.”

“Ladies love me. What can I say?” The impostor replies, a hint of nervousness in his voice.

“It’s what they’ve been saying that’s the trouble. It seems you’re a bit of a two-pump chump.” Lucifer replies. “Also, a crier afterwards.”

“That happened one time.” The impostor replies.

“Right. Well, we can’t have you running around cheapening the Lucifer brand, now, can we?” Lucifer says. “What do you say, Maze? Impalement?”

“Hmm… why rush?” Maze says. “I say the rack.” She suggests, whipping the impostor teasingly with the bag that was previously on his head. “That way we can really enjoy it.” She whispers in the impostor’s ear.

“Better. Yes, much better.” Lucifer nods. “Every joint of every limb dislocated before it’s torn off.”

“No, no, no, no, no— look, look, look, I just… I just… I just wanted to get chicks and— and free drinks.” The impostor explains. “Um really, I—“ He says, then drops the fake accent, returning to his original American one. “My name is Justin. I’m from Sherman Oaks.”

Maze and Lucifer can’t help but burst into laughter at his patheticness. “Oh, Justin…” Lucifer smirks. “… the things I’m gonna do to you.”

“Oh, no, no, no, I-I’m sorry!” Justin apologises out of fright. “I only came here one time and I just told some girls that I owned the place, and… and that opened some doors for me and so I just started rolling with it.” He explains.

Lucifer grabs Justin by his collar. “How dare you abscond my name!” He yells.

“Please, don’t hurt me.” Justin begs, on the verge of tears. “Please.”

“I’m not gonna hurt you, Justin, I’m going to destroy you.” Lucifer threatens.

“Oh, this is so hot.” Maze comments. “It’s like you’re punishing yourself.”

Lucifer’s face drops at her comment. “Seems I could be just, um, overreacting a bit.” He says, loosening his grip on Justin. “Go.” He orders him. “Go on!” He repeats, and Justin takes no time to escape while he can. “And never sully my name again!”

Maze stands in front of Lucifer. “Let’s at least take a finger.” She pleads, eagerly.

“We’ve done enough, Maze.” Lucifer tells her, and she storms out. Ronnie then gets up from her seat at the bar, walking up to Lucifer. Lucifer holds up an envelope with her payment inside.

“Pleasure doing business with you, Lucifer.” Ronnie says, taking the envelope.

“Yes, it was, wasn’t it?” Lucifer agrees. “Which is why I’m going to have to apologise for my friends.”

“What friends?” Ronnie asks, confused.

Lucifer’s eyes then trail to the staircase, where Joey, Dan, and some officers are entering. “Ronnie Hillman, you’re under arrest for kidnapping and assault.” Joey announces, jogging down the stairs.

Ronnie stays facing Lucifer, her back to Joey. Ronnie holds her hands up, and Joey walks over, grabbing her wrists and handcuffing her. “Would you mind calling my lawyer?” Ronnie asks Joey. “Her number’s in my back pocket.” She says, bending over slightly.

“Yeah, sure thing. I’ll tell her about the kidnapping, the airtight evidence we have, the attempted murder on Debra Macall.” Joey lists, standing next to Lucifer. “And then when we connect you to Ali Thornton’s murder, maybe you’ll get a nice injection of drugs, and you can go to sleep forever.” Joey says, Lucifer smiling at the harshness of Joey’s comeback.

“Hang on— I had nothing to do with Ali’s murder.” Ronnie says. “Debra Macall, Ty Huntley’s ex, she’s the murderer. I cared about Ali.”

“Mm-hmm, here’s what I think.” Joey nods. “I think you tried to scare Debra into confessing to Ali’s murder, but Debra didn’t do it. She’s got an ironclad alibi.”

“This is my fault.” Ronnie whispers.

“Why?” Joey asks.

“I promised Ali I would protect her. All she ever wanted was to be an actress.” Ronnie tells them. “She was gonna leave her mark. But you know how that goes. Endless rejection, she ran out of money. This was her first gig with me. She didn’t even know if she could do it. But I told her… I told her it was just like acting. Besides, who doesn’t want to sleep with Ty Huntley?” She says.

“I thought Ty’s agent hired Ali to sleep with him.” Joey says.

“He hired me for a number three special: blackmail. Slip him a roofie, get naked, whip out a selfie stick, and voilá.” Ronnie replies.

“Well why would he have any desire to blackmail his own star client, a client he’s all about protecting?” Lucifer questions.

“Ty’s agent told you Debra killed Ali.” Joey puts the pieces together.

“He did, yeah.” Ronnie nods.

Joey then taps Lucifer’s arm, nodding for them to have a private conversation. They walk a few steps away from Ronnie and begin speaking in low tones. Lucifer manages to guess what Joey is going to say by the look on her face.

“You think Joe’s the killer, that he took things into his own hands, quite literally.” He says, referring to Ali being strangled.

“We don’t have any proof.” Joey says.

“Right, well, how do you propose that we get him?” Lucifer asks.

Joey shakes her head. “Joe pointed the finger right at Debra, painted her as crazy.”

“It’s not that hard a picture to paint, in her case.” Lucifer adds.

“Why was he so certain she’d make a good suspect?” Joey thinks.

“Maybe he found out she went to Ty’s party.” Lucifer suggests.

“Maybe he knew she went to Ty’s party.” Joey says, a flash of realisation flickering into Lucifer’s eyes.

Joey, Lucifer, and a few backup officers make their way into the same agency building as the other day, heading for one of the meeting rooms where Joe Hanson was currently hosting a meeting.

As they walk in, Joe was finishing his speech, and everyone burst into clapping, smiling up at Joe. Lucifer decides to make their entrance known by joining in with the clapping, though extra slowly and loudly. Everyone hears Lucifer, and their heads spin round.

“Rebranded, eh?” Lucifer mimics, having overhead the final statement of Joe’s speech. “Does it come with a new scent? Free toy inside?” He teases.

“What do you want?” Joe asks, nervously, as Joey and Lucifer walk up to him. “Ty is free on bail.” He reminds them.

“We have to talk to Ty down at the station again, maybe walk him past a few reporters.” Joey threatens, as she grabs Ty’s arm, pulling him to a stand from the seat he’d been in.

“Whoa, hold on, uh, Joe, what is this?” Ty asks his agent, confused as he stands next to Joey and Lucifer.

“Oh, come on! This is ridiculous.” Joe snaps, as Joey passes Ty to the two backup officers. “Ty wouldn’t hurt anybody!” Joe shouts, taking a couple of steps closer to Joey and Lucifer. “What about Debra? I told you to look into her. She’s the crazy one.”

“Yes, well I thought it was her all along. I mean, the woman certainly redefines ‘intensity.’” Lucifer replies.

“But Debra was home with a friend the night of the murder.” Joey lies, attempting to lure Joe into their trap.

“What?!” Joey exclaims. “She’s lying.”

“There’s no evidence placing her at the party. No one saw her.” She tells Joe, before turning to Ty. “So, are you ready to face the cameras?”

“His sponsors will love the free publicity.” Lucifer says to Joe. “Tell me, what’s ten percent of nothing?” He adds, before going to walk out with Joey.

“I saw Debra there.” Joe blurts out, causing them to turn back to him. “I went by the party.” He confesses. “But a work call came up, and I never made it inside.” He says, as Lucifer and Joey walk back up to him. “I didn’t say anything before because I told my wife I was working late. When I was driving away, I saw Debra outside Ty’s window.”

Joey folds her arms. “So you admit you were there that night.”

“Yeah, and so was Debra.” He reminds her. “That’s the proof you need, right?”

“That’s the proof we need.” Joey agrees. “We have a sworn statement from Ronnie Hillman saying that you hired the victim to make a sex tape with Ty to blackmail him. I just needed to place you at the scene.” Joey explains.

“Yeah, see, that’s why I don’t lie.” Lucifer comments. “It’s so hard to keep track of who knows what.”

“It’s not true.” Joe denies, then looks a Ty. “I only want what’s best for you, Ty.”

“You know, I still don’t understand. Why is it my own agent would want to blackmail me?” Ty asks Joey and Lucifer.

“Because he thought eventually you were gonna leave him.” Joey answers.

“What, because I took one meeting with another agency?” Ty asks Joe. “Joe… I only did that to make Debra happy.”

“But even though you’d broken up, he knew you’d get back together.” Lucifer continues. “So, he decided to strike first, get some leverage.”

“If he left me, I would be ruined.” Joe spits. “I mean, do you understand? He is my Brady, my Manning.” He compares, pointing at Ty.

“But Ali wasn’t cut out for this sort of thing, was she?” Lucifer says, raising his voice. “She didn’t want to give you the video.”

“Stupid bitch.” Joe mutters, causing Lucifer’s entire body to fill with overbearing anger. Joe turns his back to them, walking away. Lucifer follows him. “She said she realised Ty was a good guy. She didn’t want to go through with it.”

“Her name was Ali Thornton, and you killed her.” Lucifer states, angrily. “For what? Greed? Ego?”

“I didn’t want to hurt her.” Joe claims. “I just wanted her phone. And…” he sighs. “But I squeezed too hard.” He confesses. “I’m done. Forget this. I’m out of here.” He then goes to walk out the door, past Lucifer, who stops him. Lucifer holds an arm out in his way, gripping his neck and launches him through the glass windows. Joe goes flying, glass flies everywhere and everyone gasps, standing up.

“Did I squeeze too hard?” Lucifer shouts, ironically.

“How did you…?” Joey asks, as Lucifer had managed to throw Joe as if he was as light as a feather. “What did…?” She mutters, until realising Lucifer is making his way over to Joe, who was unconscious on the floor. Joey rushes over to him, placing both hands on his chest, attempting to get in between him and Joe. “Lucifer, what are you doing?” She asks.

Lucifer carries on tauntingly towards Joe despite Joey’s attempt to stop his movement. “Finally focusing my anger where it belongs.” Lucifer replies, not taking his eyes off Joe— still full of sheer anger and frustration.

“Lucifer…” Joey says gently, finally managing to catch his attention. Lucifer looks into her eyes, his gaze instantly softening. Joey can practically see the anger leaving his body. Lucifer takes a deep breath, chuckling awkwardly after realising what he’s done. “Yes, of course. Your turn, Detective.”

Later on, there’s sirens wailing outside of the agency and reporters ready to catch their shots of Joe as the officer leads him out of the building, cuffed.

“I still can’t believe Joe did this.” Ty says to Joey and Lucifer, as they watch him get taken away. “I wasn’t even gonna leave him, you know that? Definitely gonna leave him now. But you know what, you, uh… you stayed good to your word, Lucifer. Thank you.” Ty thanks.

“Yes, well, now you owe me one.” Lucifer tells him, smiling.

“Ty!” Debra shouts, pushing past the reporters.

Ty jogs down the stairs. “Oh, my baby. Oh, my god, I’m so glad to see you.” He says, as Debra runs up to him and he engulfs her in a loving hug.

“You are?” Debra asks, surprised.

“Yes. You are crazy, baby. But you’re my crazy, you hear me?” Ty says.

“Yeah?” Debra grins up at him. Ty nods, and they begin making out.

“Warms the cockles, doesn’t it?” Lucifer says to Joey, as they watch their interaction. Joey side eye’s Lucifer, not surprised he’s said something like that. “So, Detective, looks like you’ve solved another case because of me.”

“I solved this case despite you.” Joey corrects.

“What? What about the cell phone I found?” Lucifer asks. “That was key evidence.”

“Evidence you almost destroyed.” Joey reminds him.

“I got you the leverage you needed to crack Ronnie.” Lucifer argues.

“You co-opted a sting operation for your own gain.” Joey replies.

“And I solved another crime.” Lucifer adds. “Identity theft.” He chuckles, Joey shaking her head. “Come on, admit it— we solved this one together.” He says, then sighs. “Or are you too egotistical to acknowledge my help?”

Joey glances at him. “Okay, yeah, you didn’t completely destroy the case.” She admits. “So you can stop blaming yourself, great.”

“Whatever do you mean?” Lucifer asks.

“The whole reason you tried to prove Ty’s innocence?” She says, looking at him.

“Was to catch the true culprit.” Lucifer answers.

Joey nods, though doesn’t actually believe him. “Yeah, sure.” She shrugs sarcastically, before walking away, leaving Lucifer confused.

Later on, Lucifer had decided to pay Dr. Linda Martin a visit. After they’d finished having sex, he was updating her on the whole situation.

“So, I decided not to punish myself.” Lucifer tells her, getting dressed.

“Yourself?” Linda questions, having only the duvet to cover up her nakedness.

“Well, my fake self. The person I’d kidnapped. I decided not to beat him up.” He explains, sighing. “You were right, I was, um… what’s the word?” He thinks.

“Displacing?” Linda replies.

“… displacing my anger and frustration on Lucifer-phony, because the right person wasn’t being punished for Ali’s death.” He continues.

“And who was the right person?” Linda asks.

“Well, the sleazy agent, of course.” Lucifer says.

“Ah, yeah.” Linda sighs. “Of all the cities in the world, Lucifer, why did you decide to come to Los Angeles?”

“Well, the same reason as everyone else. Uh, the weather, porn stars, Mexican food— mm!” He replies.

“You know, you say… you say people are phone here, but I think people come here to reinvent themselves.” Linda replies. “And I think that’s why you’re here. To reinvent yourself.”

“Why would I mess with perfection?” Lucifer chuckles.

“You like working with the detective, don’t you?” Linda says.

“I told you, I’m good at punishing people— nay, I’m the best at punishing bad people.” Lucifer ignores her question about Joey. “I didn’t enjoy it when my father forced me to, but now that it’s on my own terms, it’s downright delightful.” He says, putting on his blazer.

“Yeah, well, I think you don’t just enjoy punishing the bad guys. I think you’re starting to like seeking justice for the good ones.” Linda observes. “Like Ali.”

Lucifer scoffs, standing up, walking over to the door. “Another reason to hate L.A.— all this self-indulgent therapy. You should be ashamed.” He teases, opening the door.

“You’re doing it again.” Linda sighs.

“What?’ Lucifer asks before leaving.

“Displacing.” Linda replies.

“No, I’m not.” Lucifer disagrees, smiling, before walking out, closing the door.

“And that’s denial.” Linda calls.

“That’s a river in Africa.” Lucifer tells her, opening the door again. Linda chuckles, and he leaves for good this time.

During this, Joey had arrived home, put Dev and Arlo to bed, and had been watching the cctv footage from the agency on repeat. She was trying to wrap her head around how Lucifer could do the things he does…

[skruffie]

actually fucking furious at an otherwise incredible genealogist right now who has done a lifetime's amount of work and research for Métis. She's pulled up the 1950 census that lists Buffy Sainte-Marie as Beverly J. Santamaria and is like "how sad this italian woman became a famous cultural icon"

You want to play that game? Let's fucking play the game.

1900 Census straight from Ft. Fucking Shaw Indian Residential School. Angela Nedow (Nedeau). Indian child aged 6. Names are misspelled all the time.

The same ancestor ten years later. Name misrepresented now as Angelina. Race listed as white.

Residential school did such a great job at assimilation it changed her entire race, right?

Ralph Huntley, mixed Yurok and Scottish. This photo was taken in direct sunlight next to his white wife Henrietta and you can observe with your eyes how much darker he was even while mixed. His father was brown enough to lie and say he was Mexican because it was safer for him to be seen as Mexican than as a Yurok man. Due to the terror and racism of being seen as Yurok I am honestly not sure if his father ever actually talked to him about how they were not Mexican and in fact from Northern California, but regardless Ralph is listed as white on census reports and on his draft card. White with a "ruddy" skin tone.

The shit that I've seen on census reports has been frustrating to no end. While casually trawling some of the earlier ones in Humboldt county page by page, you know what I saw when I got to the pages that were the communities largely comprised of Chinese immigrants?

Not a single name, sex, or age was listed accurately. The census taker instead wrote down a term I'm not going to repeat here and then just essentially went " " down the whole page. Is it much of a stretch to imagine the census takers being a little dishonest now and then? Is it a stretch to imagine a child adopted out of her community into a while family in Massachusetts, knowing nothing, would be listed as white when she has no other information available to her?

None of us know what is going to come out in this CBC report but at the end of the day the Piapot Cree still claim Buffy and this is only going to cause further harm.

"but if she wasn't actually born on the Piapot reserve--" I don't care. I do. Not. Care. She is a member now. She has family there. I still grapple with feeling like I don't have a dog in this race because of my own disconnection story but I don't really care about that at this point either. Gail Morin should know better.

Whatever comes out in this program is going to be a hot topic conversation for a while but it's only going to serve at silencing other people who are struggling to repair their broken connections. Tribal nations are going to be even more wary about people who have legitimate claims. Everything is already broken so why the fuck are we breaking it even more?

EDIT: I've seen the broadcast. Not at all surprised that Keeler and Tallbear were in it, and I'm also really annoyed that Talliet specifies online she's a niece of Riel but the stupid fucking broadcasters says she's a descendant. Louis Riel has no direct descendants. You put in all this time and effort into poking through someone else's history and trauma and don't even catch that in the final edit before you start the show? My original point here still stands because it is exactly people like Keeler that pull these tactics without digging into the historical context of why our ancestors would have been identified the way they are in reports.

[theuniversitychallengereview]

I wrote a blog called No Spoiler last year, about how easy it had been for me to avoid spoilers for the previous day's episode of The Challenge, and how that was an oddity in our information-dense, social-media flooded lives. Well, on Tuesday I innocently logged onto Twitter, having missed this week's episode due to my Book Club, and had the result spoiled for me. It was my own fault - as I said in the other post, when you log on to a Twitter account which is specifically for University Challenge then that is the kind of fire you are playing with. 

For the past few weeks, I've been watching the Netflix Tour de France documentary with my girlfriend. With no prior interest in the sport of cycling she really got into it (and really loved Wout van Aert, which did make me a bit jealous, but who doesn't?). Despite the fact that it was about last year's Tour, the result of which has been known for nearly a full twelve months, and despite the fact that we watched several stages of this year's race together, she made it to the final episode with no knowledge (besides her correct inclination that there was no way redacted would be coming back from such a large deficit going into the final few days) of the overall victor. 

What's the moral of this story? Nothing particularly profound, just that its interesting how siloed our consumption of things is. If I had to estimate, I'd say that I read/heard the fact that cyclist A beat cyclist B in the 2022 Tour de France more than a hundred times in the past month, but if you're not looking out for something, or if your personal Internet isn't pre-programmed to show you it then this sort of thing is far easier to avoid. 

It would be pretty funny, I think, if I did go ahead and not review this week's episode, but I've already spent a while looking up cool stats and I don't want to waste them, so with that in mind; here's your first Starter for Ten.

You can watch the episode here before reading my review...

Birkbeck were regulars in the early years of the Paxman era, appearing six times in the first nine series, culminating with victory in 2003, after which they weren't seen for seventeen years. Oxford Brookes, meanwhile, have only been on five times in total, making the quarter-finals twice.

Brookes skipper Manton buzzes early on the first starter, but he's wrong, and McMillan swoops in for Birkbeck to steal the points. An easy bonus set on films nets them a full house, before Manton makes up for his earlier mistake with epiphany. They grab a hat-trick on the Biafran war, but remain behind thanks to the incorrect interruption.

Another from McMillan stretched the Londoner's lead, but Gardner hit back for Brookes to keep things tight. McMillan is then able to give one of the coldest possible UC answers of all time when asked to complete the phrase written on Woody Guthrie's guitar, 'This machine... kills fascists". Rajan shows off his cricket credentials, scolding Birkbeck for mistaking a doosra for a googly, and demonstrating the bowling action at his desk. 

The first picture starter continues the ping-pong nature of the game so far, with Broadbent, eyebrows plastered in a kindly frown, quickest to recognise the Togo flag. He blitzes the bonuses too to tie the game. Two more consecutive starters for Brookes open up the biggest lead of the game, but Birkbeck fought back through Huntley and McMillan. 

It looks like no one knows the musical on the music starter, but Chadha guesses Funny Girl after hearing the lyric 'good for a laugh', which is excellent quizzing. After the bonuses we're back level, at 110 each. 

The scoring has been going at quite the clip and doesn't let up in the second half. Brookes get a couple to go ahead again, but three in a row from Birkbeck nudge them back in front. No one is allowed to build up too much momentum though, and Broadbent buzzes rapidly with games console to regain the advantage for Brookes. Its an absolute basketball match of a quiz, but who is going to be the one to score the dagger?

McMillan puts Birkbeck five points clear, and skipper Chadha gives Taylor Swift (an answer for the second time this series) to put the game beyond Brookes.

Birkbeck 220 - 205 Oxford Brookes

Phew! You can definitely see the effect of Rajan's quicker questioning here. 

This was the first match with a combined score of 400 or more since Durham thrashed Strathclyde 360-55 in 2018. You've got to go back to 2014 for the last match where both teams scored more than 200, when Trinity beat Manchester 285-205 in the quarters.

So despite the fact I think the average score is going to be a bit higher this series than in recent history, Oxford Brookes can count themselves supremely unlucky, and will definitely be returning as high-scoring losers. 

See you tomorrow for Southampton vs Christchurch

[autisticsupervillain]

It's Fictional Throwdown Friday!

This Week's Fighters...

The Deputy vs Bell!

Conditions:

Call of Duty Zombies and DLC Weapons are restricted. The Deputy during Far Cry 5 is used.

Scenario:

After Willis Huntley is done using the Deputy to retrieve confidential information, he decides to cover up his involvement with them by having Bell dispatched to eliminate them.

Analysis: The Deputy

It is the year 2018. Facism in America is on the rise. The nation's people are gripped by an overwhelming xenophobia fueled by an unquenchable nationalistic pride. The world is spiraling towards nuclear war, riding off the back of national supremacy and modern manifest destiny.

Seeing the oncoming nuclear war, a Christian extremist named Joseph Seed took all of this as a sign from God that he needed to save mankind. Creating the cult of personality known as the Project at Eden's Gate, Joseph would have his family take over all of Hope County. Those who refused to conform would be drugged into compliance or mindlessness by a drug called Bliss, while those who fought back were summarily killed. All to ensure that the humans who survived the nuclear war lived up to Joseph's ideal of a sinless society.

Four these crimes, the government would dispatch a small squadron of cops to arrest Joseph Seed. Of course, the small town cops are immediately overrun and captured by an entire county's worth of cultists, leaving only one Lone Deputy to take the fight to the Project at Eden's Gate.

If there is any good thing about being stranded in rural America, you'll never by short of an arsenal. All the doomsday preppers will have helpfully gathered one for you. The Deputy comes geared up with shovels, bats, brass knuckles, and sledgehammers for close range combat, and an assortment of handguns, SMGs, and an M-79 grenade launcher as side arms. When they need a little more fire power, they bust out the shotguns, the M133, the SBS, the SPAS-12, and the 1887, each with additional incendiary rounds. Their submachine guns and rifles come with armor piercing rounds, while their smiper rifles can be silenced with a suppressor for that clean kill. And that's on top of all their machine guns, bows, and rocket launchers, including a homing rocket launcher to take down those pesky helicopters.

And then there's just the plain old weird stuff. A homemade flame thrower isn't that odd, I guess, but the shovel launcher raises a few questions. As does the Actual Fucking Space Gun. The Magnopulser is a gun given to them that fires magnitized microwaves. These waves cause everything they hit to float helplessly off the ground and can completely vaporize human beings if fired at point blank.

Luckily, the Deputy need not rely on doomsday preppers or... aliens for their fire power. They're a force to be reckoned with all on their own. They're strong enough to chuck a shovel so hard that it spears a man through the chest, smash a wooden door to splinters, beat bulls to death with their bear hands, and survive falling off the hand of this giant statue of Joseph Seed.

Using what appear to be Ponderosa Pine trees around it as a ruler, the statue's hand would have to be 470 feet tall. Assuming that the Deputy weighs the average of a 6'3 American man (Joseph Seed is canonically that tall and they're roughly the same height), they would've landed with an impact of 368 kilojoules. For reference, a speeding car traveling at 70 mph only hits with an energy of 31 kilojoules.

It is notable that the Deputy is comparable to other Far Cry protagonists. They can keep up with Hurk in live combat, who in turn and keep up with Ajay Ghale, who can dodge bullets from an AK-47.

AK-47 bullets move at 710 m/s, meaning Ajay would have to be moving at nearly Mach 2 to dodge them.

With that kind of skill set, it's no wonder they're am expert at.... anything it occurs to them to try, really. Hunting, fishing, arcade gaming, acting, studying aliens, and even various stunts. They're good enough with their wingsuit to hijack planes and helicopters in midair, able to climb any mountain in Hope County with their mountain climbing rope, and good enough at stunt driving to re-enact all the greatest stunts of the best stuntman in the world, Clutch Nixon. They're a jack of all trades, capable of slaughtering cultists both with stealthy gorilla tactics and guns blazing Rambo gun fights. Quite the impressive feat considering each of these cultists were trained by Jacob Seed, a veteran from the first Gulf War in Iraq, who was able to survive eight days in the Iraq wilderness with no resources, no food, no water, and no shelter. Yet the Deputy still kicked his ass.

Yet, for all The Deputy's badass skills, those attributes can sometimes be their biggest weaknesses. For as good as they are at stealth, they're absolutely lousy at getting snuck up on, getting upducted no less than nine times over the course of the game because they were ambushed with a tranquilizer or sprayed with Bliss. Once captured, they're very susceptible to mind control as well. Like when Faith forced them to jump off the Joseph statue I mentioned earlier, or when Jacob mind controlled them into slaughtering their own resistance teammates. Or, most damningly, when Joseph himself completely erased their personality and rebuilt them as The Judge, turning them into his post apocalyptic enforcer.

It was a deliberate tragic irony. The Deputy killed Joseph's entire family in their quest for vengeance, dismantled his entire cult operation. So, in return, Joseph took everything from them, killing all their remaining friends and completely erasing their personality. The conflict left them both with absolutely nothing left to call their own. Just blood on the sand and nuke blasted hellscape to share between them.

Analysis: Bell

The year is 1981. The Cold War rages on. Even with both the United States and the Soviet Union staring down economic crises, both hover over the nuclear button waiting for the other to blink. The fate of billions lay in the hubris of empires.

It is in the midst of this chaos, American black ops operative Russell Adler, known and feared as "America's Monster", stumbles across the master plan of the mythical Russian spy Purseus. Supposedly the spy that leaked the Manhattan Project, though until now, he was considered nothing more than an urban legend. The reveal that the agent was involved the Iranian Hostage Crisis and seemingly had bigger plans on a global scale, was enough to put the United States on high alert. President Reagan authorized Adler to take Purseus down by any means necessary, treaties and international laws be damned. This gave Adler the green light to concoct a particularly devious plan.

Upducting one of Purseus's top agents, Adler subjected them to the United States's experimental mind control program. He tore apart their old personality and rebuilt them from the ground up, creating new memories for them to recontextualize the vital knowledge they already had. They weren't a co-conspirator in Purseus's plans, they were sn American agent who decoded them. They weren't a Soviet operative, they were MI6, no CIA, no ex-KGB. Whatever Adler needed them to be for his current narrative and operation. Their old self was gone, rebuilt and replaced with a codename. Bell. And they had a job to do.

They could still be nonbinary though. Adler didn't care about that. He may be America's Monster, but he's not transphobic. Diversity win?

As amoral as the action was, Bell proved to be worth the risk. They're highly trained in weapons from all over the globe of the Cold War era, including those which technically shouldn't even exist yet. For close range combat and stealth operations, they carry knives, throwing knives, smoke grenades, stun grenades, M67 grenades, tomahawks, and even C4. But for full on gun battles, they come decked out with a variety of rifles, machine guns, and pistols. From the tranquilizer gun when stealth is of the essence, to the glorious and iconic SPAS 12 shotgun. Oh, sorry, the "Gallo SA12". It's a SPAS 12 guys. The trusty recursive bow and "Pellington" (*cough* R700 *cough cough*) sniper rifles make silenced sniping a breeze, while the War Machine and Thumper Grenade Launchers helpfully obliterate everything in their path. And for everything in between, the MP5 and AK-47 submachine guns and automatics shred through dirty communists and filthy capitalists alike.

Bell possesses a remarkable intellect beneath all that firepower too. They're smart enough to track Purseus's best agents across the globe, covert enough to infiltrate the KGB Headquarters in the heart of Moscow, and deadly enough to kill everyone there should their cover be blown and leave no witnesses. The sheer fact that they can get away with half of what they do without causing World War 3 is a testament to their skill and lethality. Hell, the whole reason Adler mind controlled them was because traditional interrogation techniques just wouldn't work on the bastard. And with a willpower like Bell's even that only gets you so far...

As Purseus's plan unraveled, more dark secrets about both sides were revealed. The United States had secretly inserted nuclear weapons inside of allied nations "just in case" they needed to be detonated, and Purseus was planning to activate them to turn the world against the US. Cornered and desperate, Adler had no choice but to dive even further into Bell's mind... inadvertently allowing them to break free of their control in the process.

Bell had seen the worst sides of both halves of the Cold War. Seen that both were perfectly happy to kill billions for their own benefit. The Cold War wasn't a war of ideology, it was two dying empires using foreign nations as a chess board to stroke their ego. And now Bell, fully themselves again, had to choose which one would decide the fate of history.

Should Bell choose to rejoin their Soviet Allies, they'll get the rare pleasure of facing the legendary Alex Mason in combat. The one who fought his way out of a gulag with just a rusty handgun. The one who, when under Soviet mind control, assassinated John F Kennedy. And they would have the even rarer pleasure of killing him.

Early in that very game, Mason would survive an aircraft wing falling right on top of him and get up completely unharmed. A 48,000 kg aircraft wing falling from a height of 48 meters would hit with a force of roughly 1686 kilojoules. And Bell could still kill him.

Of course, the cost of that honor would be allowing Purseus to kill billions. Would it be worth it? Which of these rotting empires deserves the world on a string? And which is the least likely to have Bell killed once the choice is made?

Throwdown Theme:

Throwdown Breakdown:

This fight has a few moving parts to it, so lets break this down.

First off, Bell is certainly more skilled. While the Deputy taking down Jacob Seed is nothing to scoff at, Bell taking on Alex Mason impresses me a fair bit more, as well as soloing entire Soviet Army bases and having official training from both sides of the Cold War. Secondly, the Deputy's arsenal, surprisingly, isn't that much more advanced or versatile than Bell's. Shovel launcher and space guns aside, the two actually share some weapons, like the SPAS 12. That and I don't think the Deputy's traversal tools are all that helpful here. They're fairly circumstantial and in the event they can use it, the wingsuit would really just give Bell the chance to snipe them while they can't fight back.

Despite that, I do think The Deputy would win a straight up fight. They are hilariously faster than Bell for starters, who has no real superhuman speed feats to scale to, and Bell cannot possibly prepare for an antigravity space gun or homing rocket launcher.

That said... this isn't a straight up fight. Bell is a stealth operative and if The Deputy makes this a straight up fight, than Bell can just drop a smoke grenade and disappear again. The Deputy has been canonically defeated nine times by people far less skilled than Bell using simple ambush tactics and stealth is Bell's whole specialty. If they can raid an army base during the Cold War and not start World War 3, they can get the drop on the Deputy.

And once they do, they only need to hit the cop with a tranquilizer. Or snap their neck with their five times strength advantage (1686 kilojoules vs 368 kilojoules). Sure The Deputy could dodge the bullet, but that'd require them to see it coming first.

In hindsight, we shouldn't be suprised the nonbinary communist kills the cop.

This Throwdown's Winner is...

Bell!

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[verbnounadjective]

I remember this cus the pills bottles being addictive prescriptions was the whole point

(bbc sourced gettyimages which is less direct but getty also has franks name)

hope thats mystery solved

Okay I do not give a shit about this article at all but where did they get this picture of the skeleton wearing prescription pill armor

Like this is the coolest fucking thing I have seen in a while who made this