#hudson: crackhead

[richardgrimes]

it's funny how the good boy/bad boy dynamics of my dogs have changed. my dog who just passed away was the angelest of angel babies and could never do anything wrong. my younger dog is a crackhead. now that it's the younger dog and the puppy, he's the good boy now. when the puppy is bad we'll be like "WHYY can't you be a good boy like hudson?!" and be like wow. never thought i'd say that

[smbhax]

Eat a small piece of meat in PC Genjin 2 (PCE / PS3 JP) to transform into PC Beauty.

The PC Beauty form was replaced in the Western version, Bonk’s Revenge, with a sort of crackhead

[scentedchildnacho]

Ameri indian trailer crackhead terrorist....the fair sex....Persians for women were considered the most valuable because they never left confinement.....obsessed with good being not white ..true some cultures do not need to trade white man papers they have other bartering systems...

The world that doesn't look at sin as allopathic medicine is English philosophy they have life Spans like cats and dogs live a short misery know nothing but Poe to misery and people start wanting to know if children are saints or what their soul actually was

Mechtilde of magdenburg what horrible God is without masculine passion?

Racism all humans come from manju and narin in India ...madness.....they get to be and the psychiatric victims have to be .....

New left terrorists....rowe library.....if indianism doesn't have a heart ...then there won't be any environmental in indigenousness and other racists disagree about doing some good in the world environmental is indigenousness

New left...post modern crazy quilt....always very intransigent that catharism a burning heresy be produced as smarter then pope Francis....make me say w...say it go to the french monarchy to be saved from ones bondage....to incapability and starvation

Catharists medieval....white

Free white people hudson bay company canada

Chicago as Manchester...white

Hells angels white as poor crime...African ghetto white

It's all a different quilt square and thread....

Federal...white...

Indigenous reform constructs white as a passive object

White priorly the bougousie very flamboyant military dress expansive markets....and their power is way more influential then your power

Former latter very different fragments and complete binary

White only object of Adolph hitler

White product of Latin American emigration to Florida out of Buenos Aires ....

Che You

White...called of judeo Amish Appalachian inherent protected stranger in fascist systems no actual technological development....

[cardierreh15]

✨Oh my GOD!✨

Spoilersssss under cut 😵‍💫

This chapter was fucking intense! From the moment reader was getting the tea from Mrs. Hudson about her husband at breakfast, to her going in Sherlock’s filthy ass room and reading all of his debts. How Mrs. Hudson admitted that she be listening to him and his whores!

No lie. Mrs. Hudson made me giggle.

I was really expecting him to react soooo much worse than what he gave but I’m so damn proud of her for standing up for herself. I know it was hard and he’s big and intimidating but we gotta put our foot down on this silly fool.

Baby girl the dialogue— you always compliment mine along with the story telling but you— give me a run for my money! I am so excited to read chapter 4. See how she manages that anaconda if she oblige. ✨

But we gone fix Sherlock. By the end of this book… we gone have him trained like a pup.

WE REFUSED TO BE MARRIED TO A GAMBLING CRACKHEADED WHORE! FIX IT!

Wails of Wedded Bliss

Chapter 2 || Masterlist || Chapter 4

Chapter Summary: After finding his debts you decide to take matters into your own hands...what a terrible decision...

Pairing: Sherlock Homes x wife!reader

Chapter Warnings: 18+ Dead Dove Do Not Eat, Dubious Consent, Historical Typical Sexism, Debts, Domestic Abuse, Sexual Abuse, Blackmail.

Word Count: 9k

Author Notes:

★For those of you possibly turning around and saying “£290 is nothing for all of what Sherlock has bought”

...I’ll remind you this is set in 1890 and so since then inflation has risen greatly...

★So for the modern reader I must insist to explain that £290 in England is now worth £30,671...

★And for my American readers that would be $38,948

★And for my Australian readers that would be $58,490

★Basically...Sherlock Holmes is a material gorl 💅

Inspiring Song: "Ghiribizzi" by Paganini

•❈•≫≪•❈•≫≪•❈•≫≪•❈•≫≪•❈•≫≪•❈•

7:35am Tuesday 6th May 1890, 221B Baker Street, Marylebone, Westminster, London, England.

You wobbled onto your feet as Mrs Hudson entered the apartment with a scowl... probably because of something Sherlock said to her in passing the stairs.

The old crow’s frown spirited away when she noticed you were awake and outside of your bedroom.

She smiled warmly in fact and bid you a good morning. You returned the expression as she came and collected the breakfast plates.

Your fingers trailed over the countless of papers on the table and the sleek wood of his violin.

Shuffling through each parchment and a sigh drawled from your lips.

“Mrs Hudson,” you hummed as she passed you, “I request you show me the expenses of the household purse.”

It was a common duty of a wife nowadays to keep track of all home expenses.

She paused and her eyes widened, her mouth flapped open and closed quickly again. Her teeth grimaced and her bony finger wagged, “I am afraid my dear, they are in Mr Holmes bedroom, and as I said yesterday, he can be an incredibly private person.”

His bedroom? Oh yes...he kept it locked. But by god you needed to get to the bottom of this theory you were building in your mind. You were married and a married couple shouldn’t withhold secrets.

“I am his wife, I am the second close thing to the holy trinity in his life now,” you snorted softly as you collected all the papers on the table and made a neat single pile, “I will see the documents and understand his predicament.”

“And which predicament may that be?” the housekeeper inquired as she laid down a fresh virgin cup to pour scolding tea from the hot teapot.

“Enola mentioned something about debts,” You clutched the front of your dressing gown to contain some decorum while you sat back down and gestured to the chair beside you for her to sit in as well, “his foul dismissal of my presence suggests not only disdain of our union but in addition a set of a secrecy and disfavour I will not permit in my marriage.”

You needed to know exactly how much debt he was in. You were willing to part some of your dowry to pay for it if you could. His aggression was surely caused by the stress of these debt...if you could lift them off his shoulders, mayhaps he would be kinder, gentle and respectful.

She passed you the cup and saucer while she took to pouring herself a cup. The elder woman smiled giddily.

You were pleased that there was no judgement of your modesty before her. It was a fine change compared to your strictly grandmother who would berate you if you dared leave your bedroom under dressed.

The elder cradled her cup and lowered it carefully, clearing her throat, “Mrs Holmes...”

You blinked...you believed you had asked her to not call you by your new name, out of friendliness.

“Mrs Hudson?” you queerly answered.

“Before your marriage,” her lip curled inward and her fingers lightly tapped her cup, she looked to the tea and quickly glanced up at you, “The detective entertained himself in some...appalling activities. I think it best not to open those locked pasts for your own sake.”

Appalling activities...in a world of proprietary that could mean anything...you did have your thoughts...you were only surprised that the notorious detective would risk tainting his reputation with some illicit practice.

You swallowed dryly before sipping lightly at the tea. You licked your lips and sighed shaking your head, “Speak plainly Mrs Hudson.”

“Oh please,” She prayed mortifyingly, “I daren’t repeat it.”

It wasn’t difficult to see the pink rising in the pale wrinkled face of Mrs Hudson.

You leant over the table and used small tongs to pick up a sugar cube and clenched your jaw. You wouldn’t play in another game of riddles, especially not with a elder woman with a privacy for embarrassing details. The sugar fell into the cup with a soft plop in the awkward silence, a ticking of the clock caught in your ear.

“Tell me or leave Mrs Hudson,” you pinched the papers on the desk , “I have documents to find and unless your words hold any meaning, do not bore me with unheard gossip.”

Her beady blue eyes under her spectacles fluttered, her lips parted at your stern tone. She inhaled deeply and looked around the room before leaning in closer to you.

She said in a hushed whisper, “My dear girl, your husband is a whore mongering, drug addicted gambler.”

Now that was a surprise to hear fall from her wrinkled lips. You pinched your forehead and rubbed thoughtfully. How would you handle this type of man?

You glanced at her with a small grin.

“Was- Mrs Hudson,” You corrected, tapping the table with your knuckle, “I will not allow such boyish whims into my marriage,” you wagged your finger at her and flashed her a devious smile, “He shall need to divorce me if he wishes to continue such behaviours, it might be harder for me to remarry but I trust not a single woman would last longer than me as his wife.”

A small laugh came out of the woman who gave you a dramatic military salute, she grinned and chortled, “Well, I admire your determination, but however will you enter his chambers? He has the only key.”

Your chest deflated, she was right. How would you? You chewed the inside of your cheek and looked over your shoulder to look at the closed bedroom door on the far side of the wall beside your own.

You slowly pushed up to your feet again and trapesed back to your bedroom, “Mrs Hudson, wherever did you put my hat box?”

The elderly woman put down her cup and swayed inside to follow you, she pointed to above the wardrobe. Standing on your toes you palmed the box down and laid it on your unmade bed.

Mrs Hudson was opening up your wardrobe and peeling through your hanging hooks of dresses and coats.

“My dear, surely you’re not intending to go outside in your frail condition?” she muttered as she trailed a fresh chemise over her arm.

Shaking your head you jerked you chin, “No Mrs Hudson, indoors I will remain.” Your hand clenched your lower belly with a hiss as a nasty cramp prevailed, “I don’t recall entirely but I believe a doctor was here last night, said I have begun my menses for this month.”

“I can see dearest,” Mrs Hudson hummed, pinching at your dressing gown...you had bled through it. A wet crimson patch stained the white cotton. You balked and flushed.

“Best get it off now,” Mrs Hudson winked, pulling it back and off your naked shoulders, “I’ll make you some packing.”

You shuddered and gasped at how forward your housekeeper was presenting. Respectfully speaking, you wondered if Mrs Hudson had been a ladies maid in her earlier years before her own marriage.

You tiptoed to the water basin on the vanity and squeezed the clean cloth inside of it. You cleaned the red and burgundy chunks and stream between your thighs. Your washed your hands back in the water and faced Mrs Hudson sheepishly. She smiled and pulled the chemise over your head.

“Let me roll some packing,” she said, pulling a bandage from the top drawer of the vanity and folded it into a flat palm of thickened fabric.

You shoved it up against your intimate flesh and squeezed your thighs together tightly.

Mrs Hudson then found a sanitary apron in the same drawer and helped tie it behind your back.

“Mrs Hudson you are a fine woman of elegance and saintly kindness,” you exhaled, “Thank you.”

“I remember when I was a freshly married girl,” She clucked happily, “My dear friend was a constant visitor and helped me with these things. Mr Hudson grew very jealous of our time together,” she sighed, “Now, do you require a corset my dear?”

You shook your head and plucked your fingers, “I shan’t accept any visitors, and in my sickly state it would be kinder to leave it be if I should make a mess of my inconvenience.”

If your stomach threw up from the stress of your internal curse, you didn’t want to wash through the delicate fabrics of your whale bone undergarments.

You found a loose blouse and black skirt to pull and button onto your body. You pulled up a pair of stockings.

You sat on the bed as Mrs Hudson buttoned your shoes up with a hook. As the kind older woman did this gradually with her small fingers and greying eyes, you pulled the lid of your hat box away.

You pulled out a long metal stick...

A sharp hat pin.

“There we are, all done and ready for the day!” the housekeeper announced, rising to her feet.

You rose up with her and smiled, “Please Mrs Hudson, might I burden you with making another pot of tea?”

She beamed and nodded.

•❈•≫≪•❈•≫≪•❈•≫≪•❈•≫≪•❈•≫≪•❈•

08:45am Tuesday 6th May 1890, 221B Baker Street, Marylebone, Westminster, London, England.

You were grunting on your knees before Sherlock’s locked door. Your hat pin jammed into the key hole. The tip of your tongue stuck out the corner of your lips as you shuffled the metal and tried to carefully listen to the locking of the inner gears.

Little did anyone know...this little talent you learnt on your own... Breaking into your grandfathers wine cellar was not a overexerting task when you were fifteen. It wasn’t a desire to rebel, rather a desire to educate yourself...you wanted to be seen as intelligent and knew your wines.

It wasn’t too long before you came to hate the bitter taste...and then found your grandfather’s rum drum.

When he found you, he didn’t not strike you and decided the headache you received in the morning was punishment enough for your sinful deed. And for a whole week he made you drink a cup of the stuff every night, to teach you why alcoholism was not befitting for a lady...

You smirked at the memory. Perhaps it was unorthodox. But it was kinder than a lashing or earful from your grandmother.

It was just one of many secrets between the both of you.

The loud click and sliding of the last inner lock made your eyes sparkle. As you twisted the handle the door peeled open with a awful squeak.

“My lord, what a mess!” you gasped.

The room was in a disarray. A smell of mould and death hit your nose. You gagged and felt your belly churn.

There was cigar burns in the rug, papers, news papers and books thrown about. There were plates that were piled up in the corner on a desk and there was a dirt dried mud trails...

The curtains were stained and the dust was unbelievable. When your finger ran along a small stand beside the door your finger came back looking pitch black with the soot.

You sat back and stood up. Piece by piece you picked up all the papers and went to his filing cabinet drawer, it was empty! Of course it was empty, all the contents had been tossed about, decorating the room messily.

You fingered the massive haul of papers and sighed, you would need to organise them all...

Taking them back out to the dining table you started to arrange piles of parchment stacks. Receipts, paid and unpaid, by date and purchases. Your eyes catered to the numbers, you fetched a notebook to tally the expenses and sighed, cupping your mouth every so often at his choices of spending.

You were so caught up in your own thoughts and game of pounds, shillings and pence, you hadn’t heard the return of Mrs Hudson with a fresh pot and tea set.

“Dear me,” she said clicking her tongue and shaking her head, “It looks like you’ve got your work cut out! Now what’s all this?” She asked picking up a receipt off a pile.

Rolling your shoulders back she smiled proudly at the organisation of affairs. You gestured to the individual sheet stacks.

“Ah sings Den, Cocaine Tooth Drops, Black Shag Tobacco, gambling...prostitutes,” you chewed your lip worriedly as you glance back at the small note book you write on with a blunt pencil, “He has wracked up a wicked sum...”

The housekeeper put the receipt back and sat beside you after pouring you another warm tea, this time she added the sugar cube for you and stirred.

“How much?” She whispered looking over the thick almost book like mountains of papers.

Since the new year began...Sherlock had designed quite the irresponsible money expenses and debts...

£5.65 for the Opium Den experience.

£3.25 for the Cocaine drops

£10.41 for the tobacco.

£120.78 for the overall gambling.

£150.33 for his Mayfair Row whores to Madam Adler.

Total: £290.42....

You felt your lips tighten, your belly squeezed. You paled and frailly held the cup to your lips, softly blowing and softly stating, “Perhaps that number I will keep to myself Mrs Hudson,” you pushed a pile close to her and tapped at the top, “Be not alarmed however, he seems to dedicate his rent responsibly to you.”

She chortled and shook her head, “Oh I don’t mind that, I trust him to,” her eyes narrowed at the

Mayfair receipts, “I just never liked the company he brought home.”

Your eyes widened and it was like air had been stolen and kicked from your lungs, “He brought...” you choked, shutting your eyes, “Those...those women back here?”

She grit her teeth and finished her tea, “Yes, they leave like newborn foals with wobbly legs.”

When Mrs Hudson caught your worrisome eyes she gasped and tapped your hand softly, “Forgive me, I needn’t provide details.”

You pursed your lips disapprovingly before conceiting, “As much as it is wounding to hear, it is unavoidable,” you sighed and poured yourself another tea, “As his wife it is best I know everything about my husband and if he is to keep secrets from me,” you shrugged, “However shall I be a decent partner?”

Mrs Hudson put her cup aside demurely and leant closer to you. Still in her hushed tones, ashamed of the secrets she was sharing...but her eyes were full of excitement, perhaps this gossip was something she needed off her conscious.

“I would hear them in the night, screaming...I thought he was killing them,” more colour was flushing back into her face. A rosy hue dusted her nose and cheeks, “I am thankful every time when I would see them leave with smiles on their faces.”

You sat back in your chair abruptly and looked at her curiously, “Screaming and smiles?” You whispered under your breath, “How peculiar.”

It wasn’t possible. Did he hurt those prostitutes like how he had done to you? How did they walk away with smiles? Was it because he paid them? Not even you could think how to muster a smile after experiencing such awful tortures.

“I thought perhaps, he did what he had done onto you my dear...but when I saw the blood and your lack of pleasantry, well, I can confidently say-”

You slapped your cup on the saucers hard enough for a loud clatter, you said tightly, “Mrs Hudson I’d very much prefer to forget yesterdays events, if you don’t mind...please do not refer back to them.”

The mention caused a spike of pain inside you, reminding you where he stuck his hot selfish poker.

The elder woman grew quiet for a moment. She looked off at the window in the distance and then down at her cup.

She nodded and tried to share a soft smile, “Apologies for any offence.”

A stab of guilt panged in your chest, you hadn’t mean to be so rude to her. Your nerves were in a terrible mood. In a moment you would be happy and then the next you would feel worrisome and hungry. Perhaps you might’ve grown to be afflicted by the disease of Hysteria?

Oh Hysteria, what a terrible condition...you dreaded the thought of need to go for a medical massage. One of your female cousins had been to one and her description made it sound both enlightening and frightful. In fact she said it felt like she had died and gone to heaven and returned.

All of which made you scared beyond belief.

“None received,” you pat her hand and brought her palm to your lips, “You are a kind Christian and for that I say god bless you Mrs Hudson.”

She smiled warmly and stole a soft kiss to your cheek, all was forgiven between your temper.

“Oh my dear, I must additionally confess,” she stunningly proclaimed, “Sherlock doesn’t attend church.”

Your brows rose, “What?” You snorted through a laugh, unable to comprehend her truth, “Don’t be ridiculous, what upstanding gentleman doesn’t attend church?”

You giggled and cheerfully wiped a tear away, your sanity returned when her face had remained stone solid. She did not find it funny and you realised finally it was because in fact not a joke...

You glanced over the papers...back to the number on your notebook...ah of course...no god fearing man could sin so easily...waste away fortune so carelessly and spend it on unnecessary frivolous activities.

“I think that might be the answer to your own question. The Doctor Watson wrote his newspaper articles and depicted him London’s hero. He can be truly a godless man. Frankly I believe he’s a sadist.”

You tilted your head at her and drank some of your tea.

You hummed and held a finger to your lip in thought, “Yet you said those women had smiles on their faces when they left?”

Mrs Hudson shook her head curtly and smirked, “Well I think I’d smile too with the amount he probably pays them.”

Laying your elbow on the table with your chin on your head you looked at the brothel papers, “You are right...they are over priced...Mayfair Row...they’re quality...but nonetheless still he pays them far too much.”

Your husband was an exuberant tipper when it wasn’t his money. Mayfair Row...you hadn’t been inside the Dove club where Sherlock spent most the wealth...but you knew the average price of a whore...it took you back to a time...many, many years ago...back when you believed you had a mother that loved you...back when seeing a naked man behave like an animal writhing on-top of her was your normal life. Where you mimicked the actions with your cloth doll that you carried everywhere. You tried to remember the name of that doll....Susie? Harriet? God only remembers now.

They weren’t pleasant memories...the stench of mud, the screaming of women, the yelling if men, the bite of hunger and the itch of lice in your hair and fleas covering your clothes.

You shuddered. Thank god you still did not live with her anymore. It was the only life you knew in those days but suffering is suffering and you amazed you how long you survived in such conditions.

The elderly woman looked into the pot and sighed at the low level of tea.

“I am surprised you know so much about them,” she casually noted, glancing back at you.

You realised how strange you must’ve sounded...you heart began to race. You grimaced, annoyed at yourself for being so relaxed you lost thought of your own words.

“Call it a terrible interest Mrs Hudson,” you licked your bottom lip and lied, “I was a reader of Josephine Butler’s work on her dismantlement of child sex work.”

She nodded slowly, clearly Mrs Hudson had no idea who Mrs Butler was...you felt a twinge of agitation for the uneducated.

You tapped your fingers nervously on your cup again and off handedly asked “Do you know if there are anymore receipts I might find Mrs Hudson?”

“No idea I’m afraid,” Mrs Hudson said as she noticed your cup was finally empty. She collected the tea set items and placed them on the tray. You turned in your seat and looked back at Sherlocks open door, there was still so much mess. You shook your head.

Before the housekeeper left you touched her arm.

“Please fetch me a broom and cloth and clean water.”

She followed your gaze at his room and warmly cupped your face, “Dear, perhaps you should lay in bed for a while, you shouldn’t be working so perilously in this physical state.”

You smiled and held her hand, rising out of the chair. You walked back to his room and called over your shoulder, “I would rather clean my husband’s hovel. No wonder he’s a beast considering he lives like one.”

You could hear Mrs Hudson cackling behind you as she went back down stairs only to return with your requested items after a while.

A clean room might clear his head, calm his woes.

•❈•≫≪•❈•≫≪•❈•≫≪•❈•≫≪•❈•≫≪•❈•

12:23pm Tuesday 6th May 1890, 221B Baker Street, Marylebone, Westminster, London, England.

After hours of sweeping, dusting, mopping, washing and organising Sherlock’s room you tiredly flopped back on his mattress and yawn.

At this rate you considered a small nap was required. Except you knew yourself, you knew if you stopped your progress you’d be discouraged to finish.

There was one last thing to organise after folding and hanging all his clothes. At the foot of Sherlock’s bed was a large chest. It could be easily mistaken for an ottoman. Maybe they’re would be more debt documents or clothing in there.

You crawled down and climbed off his bed to crouch beside the chest. You clicked the latches open and lifted the lid slowly.

Inside were sinister objects...you gasped...too shocked to even close the chest. Rope, shackles, knives, long thin sticks, a riding crop, a whip, a bridle you knew deep down was too small for a horse and meant for a human...smaller boxes with printed words....rectal dilators and hysterical paroxysm vibrating aid. And the illustrations...

There was a book you were reading...you weren’t really thinking, you were just curious of the horrid that might follow within...

Men and women, all nude, illustrations and photos of them performing elaborate sexual deviancy. Your eyes widened and your breath caught in your throat. Between your legs the buzz of arousal enlightened to your belly.

There was a woman who was tied up in ropes in star like patterns being mounted by a man who held a riding crop in his hand. You paled thinking he was beating this poor woman...and as you read the words, it was discovered she enjoyed this...took pleasure in the agony??

It was very confusing for you to read such hypocrisy.

Who would enjoy being hurt like this?

And as you read more and more, the deeper into this strange arousal you sunk into.

There was a illustration on a woman holding her lover’s intimate member in her mouth. And another where the same lover was licking with a long snake like tongue at her clitoris.

Your thighs squeezed tight and you groaned as a cramp rippled through your body down to your knees.

Hearing your name on your housekeepers lips tore you away from the novel. You threw the book back inside the chest and shut it hard. You felt short of breath and grasped the wood of his canopy to stay stable before leaving his chambers.

You told yourself that it was wrong to be looking at such art and imagery of lust. A part of you however desired to peak back inside...curiosity was your master and chastity your mistress. So who would you listen to first?

Your eyes fluttered shut.

You met the elderly woman out in the sitting room where she was dusting at the unlit fireplace mantle... She was moving little trinkets and photos.

Within the centre of the mantle stand was a frame containing your own portrait. You had the image taken at a tintype shop over a year ago. You stood beside Mrs Hudson as you took in the reflection of yourself. You smiled at how brilliant it captured your likeness. You were still confused how it worked, something about sand and light...your grandfather stood aside that day and said he would be sending the image to his son to remind him of you, his daughter...you were embarrassed to say the least but dared not argue with his wisdom.

Well it seems your father didn’t get the photo...or perhaps he send it back. Now Sherlock had it in his ownership.

She smiled at you and ran a hand softly down your back and said, “I just wanted to ask if you liked mutton dear, I hope to cook some this evening for dinner.”

You smiled with relief, you told her, “I am ever grateful for any food you provide my husband and I, thankyou Mrs Holmes.”

The elderly woman eyes widened with joy. She turned on her heel, taking the bucket and cloth with her.

You looked over at the table covered in receipts she had kindly left untouched.

“Mrs Hudson,” You called after her as you stepped hastily over to a side board bureau and began to write up a cheque, “is there any chance you will be attending the bank today?”

Facing you she pat the door handle and exclaimed, “No, however I can stop by if you need me to, I am officially in need to buy some fresh mutton from the butcher.”

You smiled at her cheery attitude. You filled out the numbers and printed the expenses. You tore it away from the book and held it out to her.

“Fantastic...here. Take this.”

The housekeeper stepped closer and raced her eyes over the cheque. Her eyes blew up wide at the price you had written out.

“I don’t quite understand...” she shakily stated.

You sighed and clapped your hands as you went to finally sit down on the lounging chaise. It wasn’t hard to admit you needed the rest with how your head spun. You were dizzy and it was possibly from all the cleaning you had conducted and dust you had inhaled.

“Sherlock needs to be rid of these debts and I need to rid of his temper...my dowry Mrs Hudson I pray brings me peace.”

Yes, you were sure of it. Your very expensive dowry...you were going to pay the debt off and help your husband become less of an animal. Perhaps you might convince him to attend church.

“Mrs Holmes,” your housekeeper stammered, “I would advise you hold onto this...please...you cannot just-”

You cut her off dignifiedly, “Mrs Hudson, this cheque card will enter the bank whether by your hand or mine. And before you have insisted I rest. So please if you care enough for me, you shall hand it in on my behalf.”

Her face was flushed and her eyes shut tight. She shook her head disapprovingly while muttering

“Very well dear girl, I hope you know what you are doing.”

Out Mrs Hudson went, and down you went. Your face pressed into a cushion. With your eyes fluttering shut, you feel back into the darkness and peacefully slept, listening to the wafting sounds of Baker Street flow from Sherlock’s bedroom window.

•❈•≫≪•❈•≫≪•❈•≫≪•❈•≫≪•❈•≫≪•❈•

6:00pm Tuesday 6th May 1890, 221B Baker Street, Marylebone, Westminster, London, England.

Sherlock still had not returned home from his morning flee. As Mrs Hudson laid out a plate of roast and potatoes with gravy she assured you that Sherlock had a habit of staying out for hours. Whether for a case or his own pleasures and addiction.

On the table in front of you was the paper bank statement, it accounted that the cheque had been entered and applied to the debts.

Now the Sherlock Holmes was a debt free man...

After you finished your dinner, Mrs Hudson kindly helped remove your shoes and change your bedding. You were redressed in a night gown and over your shoulders a warm dressing gown.

You now only wore a sanitary apron to protect yourself from your blood.

All his paid debt receipts were in a folder, you stared at that manilla folder smugly. Your left it on the table as you went to inspect the book shelves on the far wall near the entrance of the home.

You looked at the many novels on the shelves, now some of them being the ones brought over from your grandparents estate. On quick flicking through pages you found most of them being related to science, language and anatomy. Glancing back at Sherlocks open door, you thought about the book in the chest. That was more than just an anatomy book...

You squeezed your side, you were feeling a spike in temperature and a shortness in breath reimagining those images...those words.

It wasn’t the smut novella Fanny Hill, but it stoked fires inside you much like it. You knew it was something you probably shouldn’t have come across, because you shouldn’t have been inside his room, touching his belongings.

You had to. It smelt like something had died.

You prayed this would sort him out. You could only hope that the years ahead would not be so testing.

You had a list of mental rules. You may be his wife and beneath his status, however you would not just stand back and watch him act a fool and fall victim to further ridicule in society. You would not sink in the same boat again. You were excluded from many balls as a teen when some wicked foul mouth girl had revealed the secrecy of your parentage.

Your step mother was only eleven years older than you, so really...there was no possibility of pretending to be her child. Everyone in high society of they knew you, knew what you were. And because they knew you were treated like a unspeakable burden and unwanted pet at parties.

It wasn’t a mystery to you why you started playing the role of a wallflower at only fifteen.

You refused to allow Sherlock to bring you to such shame in society.

The heavy foot steps outside the close door alerted you to an approach made by someone other than Mrs Hudson.

With the loud snap of the handle and click of the lock, in entered a breathless giant. Sherlock.

He tore off his hat and coat and only after hanging the items on the rack by the door did he acknowledge you with a small nod, “Mrs Holmes,” he bid. Under his arm you noticed was a paper wrapped package.

You heard him march through the house towards the middle room and heard him swear under his breath, follows by a repetitive “no no no.”

You heard him frantically skid around the carpets and floor boards of his own room. He was tearing open and slamming drawers and wardrobe doors.

“What the hell have you done! What have you-?”

Storming out of his room, you gasped at how his face reddened and he continued shouting, but thankfully not at you. He raced to the front door and tore it open screaming down the stairwell,

“Where are you woman!? Mrs Hudson! You shrivelled cow!”

You slapped the book in your hands shut, regarding him disdainfully, “Our housekeeper is not to be rewarded by your insults.”

The turn around he made was slow as realisation came to his heated face. The snarl was replaced by a begrudged sneer as he scoffed, pointing his finger sharply back in the direction of the bedrooms, “...You did this destruction?”

“Destruction?” You whispered. What destruction had you done?

As he approached, you unconsciously took a step back and nervously licked your bottom lip. You felt air being pulled from you as he towered above and stabbed you beneath a invasive gaze.

His darkened eyes looked across the light material of your nightwear. His fingers tugged the book out of hands and pushed it back into the shelving where it belonged.

You decided you needed to stand firmer against him, You craned your head back and stared up at him.

“H-hardly...I have organised. Cleaned.” You took another step back and felt the wood of the display cabinet behind you dig into your waist.

“By subject,” you felt his body press up against you, what the hell was he doing? Trying to intimidate you? You were hardly dressed compared to his full clad attire. It scared you. He looked formidable, like he was going to tear you limb from limb, his nostrils flared. Your insides jumped and that buzzing feeling ran through your lower half. God...why did this of all things arouse you?

Your throat felt shaky, “then- then ah numerical dated followed by alphabetically.”

You glance him over and blinked at the red spot on his chest, was it ink? No, ink isn’t so dark....under Sherlock’s jaw was a scratch, a slight discolouration to his skin and under his hair curl on his forehead as another mark.

He leant down and pressed his mouth to your ear, “Do not ever enter my chambers or touch my belongings without my permission again.” It was a mix between a whisper, an disciplining snarl, and a lusty moan.

It left your knees feeling bloodless. Your own eyes shut closed at the hot breath that breathed into your lobe and hair.

As he pulled back, he stood away and for the first few moments you needed to remember how to control your breathing.

He looked over the dining room table and slid the thick folder closer to himself.

“And what is this?” he asked you.

“Your debts,” You swallowed and wiped your palm across your forehead, a trail of sweat drenched your hand, “Paid for.”

He smirked and shook his head, “Mycroft.”

“No,” you bluntly said, smoothing your hands down your dress to rid of the wrinkles that rose up. Seeing how your nipples had hardened beneath your nightgown you pulled the dressing gown tighter around you and crossed your arms protectively over your chest.

You looked at his body hunched over the table and blinked at the white marks over the edges of his dark navy suit jacket. It looked like flour...except flour had a tendency to clump. His nails were also clean of any baking incredibly. But his finger pads on the wooden table left little faint prints...

“You?” he chuckled condescendingly.

You nodded, “Yes.”

His laughter quickly fell away, his head snapped up fully to look at you, his brows knitted together,

“Why?”

His lips settled into a frown.

He put his hands on his hips, a power play...he was trying to show confidence, dominance...perhaps in response to your arms folded over your chest.

It would’ve been good to just tell him the truth, but to explain it to him would be impossible. You chose to simplify the answer...

“Easement on your consciousness?” You offered dryly. It wasn’t a total like, the less stress, the more relaxing and kindness....right?

His mouth twisted into a snarl, “Why you insufferable little-”

“Where did you go today?,” you pondered, cutting him off from finishing his insult, “A school?”

He jerked back slightly, he tilted his head and narrowed his eyes, he took a deep breath and cupped his hands behind his back, “Excuse me?”

Good, he was calmer now.

This time you took to action...you stepped forward and sighed solemnly pinching one of his vest buttons.

“Chalk, on your cuffs. You smell like sweat in a teenage boy rather than a man. You’ve also had a scuffle with someone much shorter than you from the marks on your neck. Your shirt has a speck of what I believe is blood and the button is loosen,” you pinched and ripped it from the shirt and it’s faint loose thread.

“Fret not...” you smirked and pat his chest, “I will mend it should you ask.”

His hands came around and squeezed your forearms, his head moved back a little. He was perplexed...a light upturn in his lips revealed his sudden amusement.

He lifted a hand up and gently touched your face. He was breathing in a controlled state. You felt the intimacy of his closeness without fear of his wrath.

“No...” he drawled, “I was at Scotland yard. A poor deduction...” his thumb ran across your chin, “dear wife.”

You felt your heart pick up as his soft hand touched your face, you tried looking away from his staring eyes. Sherlock’s edged closer to your lips.

“Poor deduction but I am not stupid,” you consoled.

His lips broke into a wider smile revealing his teeth, he chuckled, “...I beg to differ.”

He moved abruptly back and fled to escape to his rooms. You knew his intention perfectly and chased after him, emphasising, “You had almost three hundred pounds in debt Sherlock. I at least know how to wisely spend my money.”

He spun on his heel and snapped at you, pointing harshly at your chest, “oh ho! Playing this game then are we? With your dowry gone, you have nothing left. I’d hardly call paying off my debts which were none of your concern, wise spending.”

You grabbed his finger and announced softer, serious and less aggressive, “Indeed, which is why I implore you to cease all further transactions in regards to your addictions.”

“Do not patronise me wife,” He scoffed and rolled his eyes tried tearing his hand away but your grip on his index finger tightened and the both of your grunted.

You grit your teeth at him, “Do not patronise me husband.”

He sighed and wiggled his finger from out of your hand.

He dusted his hands on his waist coat and huffed. He peered at you with a mischievous gaze.

“My debts...they included my friends...yes? From Mayfair?”

Oh that was cruel indeed. Mentioning those women when you were married to him. You wouldn’t dare let him threaten you over them.

You fought the urge to hit him and stomp your foot. You turned away from him and quickly composed yourself. Hastily you plucked some matches from the small box ontop of the fireplace mantel. You struck a small flame and tossed it into the fire place where you discarded some old newspapers as kindling.

“Yes,” you admitted tightly, “I know about your scandalous behaviours and forbid you from consorting in that demonstration again.”

He pushed passed you and unbuttoned his jacket and vest fully. He draped them over the back of one of the lounges, he pulled up his trousers slightly as he sat down.

He chuckled, “You forbid me?”

You glared at him and shot back up off the floor. You squeezed your eyes tightly as you firmly dictated, “I am the only woman to ever receive you carnally from now on.”

He smirked and spread his legs wide, folding his arms on his chest. He jerked his chin up at you and clicked his tongue, “I don’t believe you know what that means. Believe me little lamb, my fidelity is that last thing you’ll desire...or did you not learn from yesterday?”

You rolled your eyes and shook your head.

“I stand by what I mean Sherlock. You will not commit adultery while married to me,” you snapped. You wanted control, this would not be taken from you if you could help it.

“Or what?” He laughed, he then condescendingly moaned, “You’ll tell my big brother?”

As he went back to his smug chuckling you clenched your fists and stood over him. You weren’t thinking straight. Only a red shade cast in your eyes. You grabbed his collar and tugged him hard, spitting down at him with full anger as you threatened, “...Or I will kill you.”

He stopped laughing but didn’t stop his smug smiling. His hands came up and grabbed yours, prying them from his shirt.

“Barely been forty eight hours of wedded bliss and you desire to murder me. Ha! I now owe John five pounds,” he looked down at your chest which you realised was hanging in a uncompromising position. He could see right down your chest practically to your third rib with your lack of supporting chemise. Sherlock tongued the inside of his cheek and hummed, “My word.”

You gasped with horror and attempted to rip away from his hold, you grunted gruffly, “You are a pig Sherlock Holmes!”

He pulled you forcefully downwards and made your knees buckle. Your chest fell into his and you both hissed at the impact of crushing into each other.

Lewdly his hot wet tongue licked its way from your neck up to your earlobe while his hands pushed your thighs up to straddle over him, his fingers sharply stabbed into your backside under the night gown.

“You have absolutely no clue to what I am little Lamb.”

You tried pushing off him immediately, and felt his arm wrap around your waist and trap you against him.

Your legs so wildly spread and pressed against his trousers made you feel like you were riding on a horse.

Despite the plethora of farm animals you could compare in his and your name, you had both your wrists this caught in his one hand.

“Go on,” he chuckled as you struggled against him, “Tell me how you would do it...,” he taunted,

“How would you kill the great Sherlock Holmes, London’s finest Detective?”

You shrieked as you felt crushed under his baring arm, “I can think of many ways!”

“Well go on,” he smugly waited with raised brows, “Tell me.”

Your eyes rolled and you whined when he dug his nails into your wrists.

“I’ll push you down the stairs!”

He barked with laughter and shook his head, “You cannot be sure the fall would kill me, perhaps I might be paralysed, with many broken bones, but no no, I also don’t think you have the strength to push me around anywhere, look at you right now.”

“Fine!” you yelled, “Ill stab you with a knife!”

“Ah a violent approach, but what of the blood?” He grabbed your hip and moved you to grind your centre down on a lump in his trousers, “Why, even those idiots in Scotland Yard would figure out it was you; blood staining the clothes, carpet and blood beneath your nails, and where would you ever be able to hide the weapon?”

“Sherlock! Let me go or I’ll poison your tea!” you whined terribly.

He bit his lip and shook his head at you, “Oh dear Mrs Holmes, it’s possibly the most common death among an unhappy married couple. Wives are known to favour poison greatly.”

You heaved as you tried to catch your breath. You fell forward a little. Your sweaty forehead touched his.

“Please,” you whined, “let me go. All I want is you to be a civilised man and honour our marriage bed.”

He looked down at your parted lips. He looked back at your chest and shut his eyes.

“You want me to give up my whores Mrs Holmes?”

You gulped and nodded, “Of course.”

When he opened those blue orbs with the brown flecks, he whispered, “I promise to forsake them...if...”

“If?” you stammered and narrowed your eyes.

“Hush!” He reprimanded, “I promise to forsake my whores on Mayfair Row...If I can have my whore of Baker Street.”

Before you and time to reply and question what he even meant, he stood up and tossed you onto the floor. Sherlock crawled over you and pinned your flailing hands above your hand.

“You want to please me, please your husband, Mrs Holmes?” he gasped as his other hand went groping and squeezing around your soft body.

You weakly nodded, your head rested on the floor trying to get back the breath he knocked from you when he pushed you down.

You hissed softly, “Please, you’re hurting me.”

His hands loosened but held you trapped to the floor.

His lips danced over your cheek, “Then you will need to perform like a whore for me.”

A sobbing cry ripped front our chest, unsure of his real intention you quickly jumped to the conclusion of his implications.

You choked and shook your head, “No! I am not going to become a prostitute!”

He cackled at your fearful cry.

“No, this body belongs to me,” he said as he pinched the strings of your night gown and pushed the material away to show off your bare breasts.

His lips wrapped around your right nipples and sucked hard, tickling you with his tongue tip. Tears started to well in your face. You didn’t understand what he was implying to do to you. It tickled and felt so warm.

You were scared. You knew some men of the world were evil. Evil husband’s that pimped out the women they married. You couldn’t imagine being so intimate with another person. You couldn’t imagine succumbing to the agony you received the night before by Sherlock’s hand.

Kicking your feet across the rug and tried pushing your body from under him. He grunted as your nipple left his lips. He pressed the hand hard on your hip and affirmed, “Keep still, little lamb.”

“Sherlock,” you started to beg on a whimper, “Please, stop! You are frightening me, you’re h-hurting me!”

He looked down at you, his hair falling slightly on your head. His smile wavered as he took note of your tears and wobbling lips.

His gaze softened along with his voice, “...be completely honest with me.”

You nodded desperately, “I will, I will!”

“Did you look in the trunk at the foot of my bed?”

The chest full of explicit items and torture devices.

Your eyes squeezed tight and you exhaled, “I did.”

He smirked and let you go completely, standing up and held his hand to assist you too. When you were finally upright, he pinched your exposed nipple. You shrieked.

“I am a man Y/N, I have needs. I expect you to fulfil them earnestly if you desire I abandon my charity to Mayfair.”

You tried pushing his hand back and covering your breasts with the dressing gown. He smirked and shook his head at you, “No, no, let me see them.”

The silence was vile. The crackling of the fire place was the only ambience that showed attendance.

You couldn’t do it. It was wrong to be so exposed beyond the bedroom.

He waited and when you showed no sign of showing him, he sighed and nodded, “Very well, good night Mrs Holmes, I will call upon my friend Irene.”

He walked around you and journeyed to his open bedroom door.

As if all colour drained from your face you feverishly held out a hand and quickly called, “Wait, please! Look!”

You all but chased him into his own bedroom. He snapped his head in your direction. You stood in the centre space between his bed and the door.

He raised a brow and watched almost unimpressed as your trembling fingers shed your dressing gown and pulled the neckline of your night gown open...there he could finally observe your luscious breasts.

“Why Mrs Holmes,” he mused, sitting on his bed and peeling his cravat off his neck, “Your teats are exposed, careful,” he sarcastically warned, “One might mistake you for a slut.” You felt breathless and curled your lips inside.

You couldn’t believe it, you were letting him hurt you in a new way. You were letting him bully you. It wasn’t right and you desperately hated it, but what else was there except to let him defile and destroy your holy vows?

“Is that a sanitary apron on your waist?” he question, pointing at the lump under your gown.

You nodded, “I am still bleeding husband...”

“Do you know what that means?” Sherlock said unbuttoning his shirt.

Your licked your lips, folding your arms behind your back you tried hard to not cover yourself,

“My body is extinguishing my mental illnesses.”

He smirked and rolled his eyes, “Your medical knowledge is dated, but that is not what I implied...I meant that you should come to your knees and perform fellatio.”

Your eyes widened...fellatio was such a naughty word to hear let alone say. It was the type of practise in the book in his chest. Oral sex. Seeing the woman hold her male companions member appeared lewd and distasteful.

You hadn’t thought of ever doing it yourself, it served no purpose in procreation with god.

Flustered and shy, you cupped your hands over your face to think.

Sherlock’s voice was softer this time. He wasn’t mocking you as he explained, “I will not force you to do this Y/N, you do not have to if you do not want to.”

You shook your head and scowled at him from your hands, “But I do! I don’t want you to ever lay with a woman other than me! I am-“ you choked on some on coming tears, “I am your wife Sherlock, please...promise me if I do this you won’t lay with another woman.”

He unbuckled his trousers and sighed, “Then get on your knees,” he pulled out his semi hard rod, “and kiss your husbands cock.”

You looked over your shoulder at his door and then back at him.

Would you do this? Humiliate yourself in promise of keeping his vows loyally to you?

Helplines:

If you are a victim of sexual abuse, assault or domestic violence or know someone who is please reach out to these links that share helpline services, phone numbers or emails. Consent and respect is important in every relationship whether between friends, family or even strangers.

Australian Helpline Services

UK Helpline Services

American Helpline Services

India Helpline Services.

[house24]

Everyone besides bell and Hudson:

Hudson: WHO THE F**K KEEP TALKING DURING MY LESSON

Everyone besides bell:

Hudson: BELL

Bell:

Hudson: GET OUT

Bell: oh my- 

[thisisnotjaeu]

Actors AU Lookism

Literally everyone loves each other

Daniel has pretty much the same personality. That or he is a gremlin. Just pure gremlin energy

Zack is a flirtatious and shameless bi, his mere existence make everyone question their sexuality

Vasco a little more serious, kinda introverted and uses his intimidating appearance to be left alone but he is a crackhead at heart and started opening up to more people ever since he worked in the series

Jace is a little more bitey and sarcastic but he is easy going with people and literally has info about everyone

Mira is badass in real life and it's her first time playing a good girl role. She tries so hard not to break character-

Zoe is Zoe cause she is also perfect. She is also bi-

Crystal is either the same or have gremlin energy like Daniel

Jiho is older than what people think and he is beloved in real life. Series Jiho had to be killed off because Actor Jiho is suffering from trauma in past roles

Darius is a drag queen and owns a mini van. He is surprisingly, nowhere near the character he plays in the series

Jake is still Jake, what's there to fix when he's already perfect

Samuel...is lovey dovey to Jake- He's just this lovable but really chaotic gym bro

Eugene is "pick me up mom I'm scared" cause tiny gremlin with the rest of the crackheads. Just imagine Eugene surrounded by tall ass coworkers and all he could do is just look up to them

Xiaolong and Vivi is a couple in real life. Though they question their roles and the relationship but Vivi said she'd rather have her real life boyfriend acting by her side cause she feels too uncomfortable with other people

Hudson is a model. And a half blood. One time he won a competition, fair and square but the first runner up wasn't happy. Hudson got flak for winning but his supporters started sending comments like "you're (first runner up) mad cause you lost to a half blood"

Channing is a math teacher. How he got hired is one of the most interesting stories out there and every time they have a break, he would start writing equations on whatever surface is available. He used to be Jace's teacher too-

Jacky is a trainee or dancer. Jacky is still Jacky, the difference is that he adores Zack but gets very flustered seeing him

Taesoo is a Broadway star who lives outside Korea

DG is still DG. He actually got in Lookism because his idol company wanted to expand on his lore

Logan is still the devil but just think of him as a tsundere. He acts mean to everyone but really he cares for them

These are not done but I'm running out of ideas so please add to it or help change some :v

[holy-crap-i-am-russell-adler]

Nicknames I give Call of Duty characters. Some of these are from what I barely remember disassociating.

Russell Adler: Russ, Ad, America's favorite crackhead

Simon 'Ghost' Riley: Ghosty

2019 Ghost: A whole unit

Gary "Roach" Sanderson: Roachy

John "Soap" McTavish: Soapy

2019 Soap: (None)

John Price: Pricey

2019 Price: Santa Claus

Edward Richtofen: Doc (there are two more but not really kid friendly)

Nikolai Belinski: Nick

Tank Dempsey: Demp

Takeo Masaski: Tic-tac

Frank Woods: Living Hurricane

Alex Mason: Al

Jason Hudson: Ice Cube, Hud

David Mason: Kid

Mason granddaughters and any other family these two had that I don't remember: Crackhead one - however many there are.

Donnie "Ruin" Walsh: Don, Wal, Gravity Spikes guy (this is the same as BO4)

[writer-of-various]

Bell: *points to Adler* That's Mr. Know It All

Adler: *points to Bell* That's Ms. Crackhead Aunt

Woods: I'm Onion

Hudson: *eye twitches* Those WILL NOT be your calling cards!

Lazar: Can I be Park's #1 Simp?

Sims: *wheeze*

[11daysofapocalypse]

Rules for Dating Darla Mallozzi

(IB @auroras-blend post for Leo’s requirements to date HIS daughter 😊)

If you’ve cried in the last ten years get the fuck out of this house

Absolutely no drugs - there’s only room for one crackhead in the family

You have to be at LEAST 5’11” (two inches taller than Darla) and if you are taller than Salvatore (6’2”) you have to accept the fact that his respect will be limited

If you have a blue collar job, great, grab a beer! If you have a white collar job, don’t try engaging Salvatore in conversation. If you don’t have a job?? HAH.

If you work(ed) for Salvatore, you better be REALLY good with a baseball bat because what other skills would you even have

You better want kids because he wants grandchildren

But at the same time don’t touch Darla. Don’t kiss her, don’t look at her, don’t even BREATHE in her direction, you smug little prick

And if you get her pregnant out of wedlock, we’ll send you on a nice little trip to the bottom of the Hudson (says the man whose daughter was literally conceived out of wedlock)

The family has every single right to turn you into a speed bump if we ever see so much as a frown on her face.

If you meet all these requirements, congratulations, you’re worthy of Darla’s time! (Won’t stop you from getting hounded by her mother and father every time they see you and constantly being told that no, you aren’t worthy, and this whole relationship is a sham)

Bonus: Marianne is upset because she’s only 5’5” (and also, ya know, both her and Darla’s parents are raging homophobes)

BONUS bonus: Sal Jr. has no dating requirements except to not get a girl pregnant (he never dates anyway tho)

[glowinggator]

Hey, I was wondering if I could request a match up? (It's totally cool if you don't get round to doing it though!)

I'm a guy, pan, 5'7, with blue eyes and dark blue hair. Pretty chill and more extroverted once you get to know me, and I love checking out small towns and looking into all the alt/thrift shops. I love horror movies, slapstick cartoons and tend to watch the same show 6 times before feeling comfortable enough to watch something else. I paint my room and change it around at least 3 times a month (it's an anxious tick 😅). I'm the middle child of 7 and I'm totally down with the whole crackhead aesthetic

I match you with...

Leonardo!!  Where do I even start with him? Honestly, this sounds like a match made in heaven. He loves how you become a bit more extroverted as he gets to know you; in fact, it’s part of what draws him to you! He loves to play off of the newfound energy, asking you out to do more and more things together. He also loves your naturally chill nature, too! No matter what, there’s always something to do!  Thriftshop dates? Thriftshop dates! He loves going into Snowlines and Goodwills a lot, honestly. Who would have guessed? He always finds the weirdest stuff, too. Not weird as in creepy, but weird as in hyper-specific t-shirts and mugs, or strange contraptions. You’re amazed at his weird luck. He also likes to find ugly af granny clothes so he can try ‘em on to make you laugh. It works every time. (He also buys some of them for future recon missions.) He also just really likes the vibes of thrift shops. Roaming the rows of old trinkets and clothes, worn with years of memories is a calm enough experience, but doing it with the best boyfriend ever? Who could say no to that?  Movie nights are always fun, but beware of the movie you pick! Paranormal horror (particularly poorly written ghost movies) with lots of plotholes are 100% gonna get made fun of. He can turn pretty much any B-List horror movie into a comedy. (Although, that probably isn’t the most daunting task in the world.) Popular horror ain’t safe from his comedic wrath, either. Psychological horror, though, will always get him. Throw on something like Oculus, or maybe even It, and you’ll have a very clingy turtle on your hands! He’ll try and play it off, cracking quiet jokes every now and then, but the way his voice shakes as he clings to your arm betrays his fear.  He’s a huge fan of slapstick cartoons too! He low-key grew up on CatDog and Ed Edd and Eddy, so it has a very special place in his heart. (His favorites out of the two were Dog and Eddy, respectively.) Give him some recs on new ones!! He also loves to watch ‘em with you as well. If you’re not watching movies on TV night, chances are it’s a slapstick you picked. And he’s great with rewatching things as well too, so don’t worry!!  He’s super fascinated by how you dye your hair. He gets these little stars in his eyes while he watches you, although you can’t seem to pinpoint why. He’s all too happy to help you get the back of your hair. (He never wears the gloves, and usually ends up with stained hands for a while afterwards. He’s super good at it though! Despite having no hair of his own, he’s really good at dying hair. If you ever wanna do something multicolored or intricate, he’s a safe bet. He’s awful at picking colors himself, though.)  He loves going on road-trips with you. There’s a surprising amount of small towns in New York, and he knows ‘em all. His favorite place to road-trip with you to is Cold Springs, hands down. An old, small town with a lot of charm. It’s a comforting town to walk around and explore. It’s fun to look at the older houses around there and go into the little shops that litter the streets. With so many independently owned shops, it’s hard to not find a little bit of charm there. Not only that, but it’s next to the Hudson River! Leo is an avid swimmer, so you’ll probably have to hold him away from the water if you didn’t bring something to swim in.  Middle child buddies! Tell him the family tea, he fucking loves it. He’s a super good listener too, and he gives the greatest advice.

Honestly, he’s cool with helping you reorganize your room. If it makes you feel more comfortable, than why stop? So long as you’re happy, he’s happy. He’s also a great mover, too. Literally the king of pushing heavy stuff around the room. PLEASE move your trinkets off of your dresser first, because he won’t move em. He’s confident that they won’t fall over, and he’s wrong every time. At least he has good reflexes! The painting thing is super new to him though! He admires the dedication, honestly. He totally asks Mikey for some cool designs to show you, in hopes that you’ll add em to the blank walls. 

He’s still taller than you, so prepare to have him rest his arm on your head and shit like, 24/7. He takes great pride in grabbing items off of the top shelf for you. It’s never in a condescending way though, and he’s fine with backing off if it’s an insecurity. If not though? He loves gentle teasing like that. He also thinks it’s kind of cute, lowkey. He likes leaning down just a tad for kisses.  He loves to sit behind you with his arms wrapped around your middle. It’s the comfiest thing in the world to him, and he’s fallen asleep many a time like that. 

[pumpkinmaster999]

Heroes Walk in Dirt

By Jess Awh

At last call at the bar I am eight shots in, swing dancing with a broom while Sasha wipes the wood down. His face says he’s wondering how a mess like me can be trusted to clean shit up.

I tell him when I’m home I like to vacuum drunk. Drunk vacuuming is kinda like being on a swing: you blithely toss your body around the room in a tango with the vacuum, singing to yourself, forgetting certain corners. I sing the live recorded version of a John Prine song, “That’s the Way that the World Goes Round.” Sasha asks why live. The song’s got this line: “it’s a half an inch of water and you think you’re gonna drown,” I say, but on the live tape John Prine tells the crowd how a woman came up to him in San Fransisco once and asked him to play his song about the happy enchilada. She thought it went, “it’s a happy enchilada and you think you’re gonna drown.”

In my bedroom I take eight shots of Jim Beam and grab the expensive vacuum I bought at Costco with the different detachable heads which I call “my vacuum ingredients,” and I swing and sing to myself about the happy enchilada.

Sasha shrugs and scrubs the gun line. He says that that John Prine song has a verse where John Prine pretty much says it’s ok to beat your wife. It isn’t okay to beat your wife, I don’t sing that verse. I know it isn’t okay to beat your wife. My wood floors shine. I hate when dirt from the floor sticks to my feet as though it were all the world’s injustice.

I smoke in the tub and I swim in the Hudson, so in a way no bath I take is ever clean as a true baptism. I dislike the laundromat, so I wash clothes at home and hang them on the fire escape. In a nutshell, all I can do is try, I say, in a nutshell. Trying is what we do when succeeding eludes our sight. Sasha once came over after work and laid on my bed eating pistachios, setting the empty shells down on his chest. He’s been upset because his ex is about to marry a man she loves less just to get him a green card and have some kids. I’d never ask anyone or anything to change. I would’ve vacuumed his shirt, though.

I walk to the train to work like always and Lee is waiting outside the liquor store. For whatever reason, the liquor store people hired him seemingly just to stand outside and ask people how they’re doing as they go by. He’s hardly ever inside, and when he is he doesn’t seem to be doing anything. He doesn’t have any flyers to hand out. “What’s new, Lee?” “Oh, you know, new gangsters, new crackheads.” “Oh yeah? You look spiffy. I like the blazer.” “Ah, thanks, it’s gettin’ cold.” “Yep, yep.” “My birthday’s coming up.” I like that one because he always tells me what’s new with the block when I’m really asking what’s new with him. “Shit, when is it?” “The 26th.” “No way, I’m having a party that night. I’ll bring you a piece of cake or something.” We laugh. Lee is always in a clean black button down and black pants that are never wrinkly. He’s like a blackboard that got wiped down with a wet towel. I’m gonna bring him cake because he doesn’t expect me to. We live in this charmed narrative where we move one plant into the sun, or put a sardine out for one stray cat, or organize one shelf, and then the sky opens up so sunbeams land on our shoulders like we somehow answered a prayer God didn’t even say out loud. I read this story in American Girl Magazine when I was nine where they’re walking on the beach and they find hundreds of washed up starfish dying in the sun. The one girl says “we can’t save them all, it’s pointless” and the other starts throwing them in the water one by one. She goes “but we can at least save a few, and that still matters.”

I get to the bar and this guy I know is there drinking, Grant Barber. I tell Sasha I’m going to go hide in the basement and he knows what I mean. A couple summers ago when I was bartending in Chinatown I became friends with Grant Barber because he was living in the radio station. He’d listen to my show on the mail room speakers on Sundays and say things like “I’m glad you played Patsy Cline” or “I can tell you like the music, that’s why you’re such a good host.” Grant Barber has blue eyes like Santa’s eyes, and that’s why I started buying him lunch and letting him shower at my apartment. I’m a good person but I get starfished sometimes. So I served court papers to the squatter who’d forced him out of his place in BedStuy, I went with him to the notary and everything, but when the legal shit started to drag along and he was sending me messages like “I’m gonna kill myself today” and “why won’t you answer me, I’m going to die” I stopped replying. I couldn’t fix it any more for him, and what was I gonna do, sit there listening to a dude I barely knew threaten suicide because I ignored his Facebook DMs? He said he never asked me to “fix it,” just to be there, and then he said he was in love with me. I said this is too many starfish. Actually, I said nothing.

Grant Barber talked to Blaze Foley in Austin back in 1985. I believe that story because he never lied to me about anything else besides the killing himself. “Fuck, I love Blaze Foley, seriously?” Yeah, at this concert at The Outhouse where he was double billed with Townes Van Zandt. Townes played for an hour straight, and I was there with my girlfriend, they were waiting for Blaze to come onstage but no one could find him I guess. He came on and played one song, then left again. That night is the only time I talked to him ever even though I saw him twice or three times. I’ll never forget what he said…I went to the men’s room and he was there barreling through a fifth of whiskey…slouched over a urinal. It was just us two and for some reason I started rambling about how much I looked up to him, how his music moved me, and then he stared at me and said one sentence. He said, and he was slurring—it took him a whole long minute to say this—he said “my problem is that I can’t stop being funny.”

I was funny once, at a nude figure drawing session held by a local art club. They had offered me thirty bucks to play the guitar and sing my songs while the models posed and the artists sketched them. The room echoed like the inside of a drum and the floors were shiny. I sang things I had written and they mingled with the dust lit up by the window and hovering in the air. Afterwards a girl came up to me and said “I loved your lyrics, they were so funny!” And maybe they were funny, but I recoiled because I felt stung, because I had been admitting that I was weak, which is braver than most things I do. Blaze Foley got shot in the chest by his friend Concho January’s son. That’s how he died. He confronted Carey, the son, about stealing Concho January’s veteran pension and welfare checks, and a few days later Carey shot him. Blaze’s friends covered his coffin in duct tape because he never got starfished, he knew his strength even though he looked to be made of flesh. Sasha was uninvited to his ex’s wedding because Gavin (the new fiancé) hates him, and when he found out he said fine, I’m happy for you guys, then cried on my shoulder in the bar basement later.

I love Blaze Foley but I doubt I would’ve ever dated him because I bet his hair was dirty all the time. He has this song called “Sittin’ by the Side of the Road” that’s about being homeless and being fine with it, because what do you even need besides a guitar and a meal to eat? I need a sanctuary that I can control and retreat to. The best gift I’ve ever given a friend is an invitation to stay with me, to hide in my house with the vacuumed floors, out of New York, and feel clean. This is why I wouldn’t date Sasha: his apartment is an unheeded hodgepodge of once-important or still-important things not set in order, not categorized, not scrubbed with Clorox wipes. I wonder what service he’s out there doing that makes him forget about cleaning. He texts me that Grant Barber left the bar and I come upstairs, eyeing the balled-up napkins and brown leaves sprinkled on the ground as I walk to the front door. I will clean this up before anyone else has a chance to disregard it.

[makeempay]

Pls do a loki x sherlock fic 👁👄👁

Omg you requested this like five years ago and I still haven't answered.. my baddd. okay let’s just get into it.. yuhhh GET INTO it.

Alr you guys so just a quick back story, Loki and Sherlock live together in 221b Baker Street because Loki got kicked out of Asgard, and the only one that would accept him was the one and only, Sherlock. 

Sherlock woke up on a Monday morning. He looked at his watch next to his bed and realized it is only 5 am in the morning. He grunts and smashes his head back in his pillow trying to fall asleep. but he kept hearing clanging noises and a faint smell of something burning outside his room, and ofc his sherlock senses needed to get up and find out what that noise was. he got up, put on his slippers, and went straight to the kitchen.

In the kitchen was a shirtless Loki struggling to make himself some type of food (which he obv burned). Sherlock just stood there admiring the view, after a couple minutes he decided to go help out the struggling creature. 

“YOUR BURNING THE EGGS MATE”, Sherlock yelled in Loki’s ear. Loki JUMPED and yeeted his head back at Sherlock, “first of all you scared the hell out of me and second of all I will not be yelled by a mortal just because I burned some eggs”.

“Oh well, why are you making eggs at 5 am anyway??” sherlock asked.

“I’m hungry okay? Don't mind me.. just having a quick bite”. Loki replied, kind of annoyed.

“Okay okay, I'm heading back to bed, but please try not to burn the kitchen down, oh and none of the bloody magic either” sherlock then walked out of the kitchen before hearing any more nonsense from Loki. 

4 Hours Later:

Loki wakes up feeling grumpy. “it was probably those burned eggs,” he said to himself. He went to sherlock’s room to grab some socks, but when he enters (without knocking smh) he finds a naked sherlock trying to put some pants on. “OH BLOODY HELL, KNOCK ON THE BLOODY DOOR, WOULD YOU?” sherlock instantly yells. by the time sherlock finishes yelling Loki had already turned around ready to just evaporate out of this world. “I WAS JUST TRYING TO GRAB A PAIR OF SOCKS FAM”.

Later that morning Loki finally finds the courage to leave his room and act like the awkward incident didn't happen this morning. when he went to the kitchen, sherlock looks like he was doing the same thing because he greeted Loki with, “Fancy a cuppa?” (British way of asking if you want tea), “Oh yes please, I'm very knackered today” (way of saying I'm tired).

After sherlock gives Loki his tea he heads to his classic chair and puts his fingers together the classic sherlock way (lol).

“Mrs. Hudson, bring me my first client of the day please”

the client entered the room looking very sad. 

the client basically explained that she saw a handsome man who had shoulder-length black hair, she was really interested in him so she went to talk to him, the second she finishes the man disappears.

“did he say anything back to you”, sherlock asks.

“yea actually.. he sai something along the lines of being the god of mischief”.

Sherlock closes his eyes and takes a deaaaaaaaaaaaaap breath, this was the 400th case that had something to do with Loki and he was getting tired of it.. its time to do something about this, sherlock grabbed his classic coat and left the room, and yes the client was still sitting there clueless and well.. abandoned. 

A/N: Oh wow that was probably the longest fanfic I ever wrote, well this fanfiction wasn't meant to be funny honestly so sorry if I disappointed/bore you. I really hope I didn't but guys let me know if you like this or my crackhead fanfics better, or maybe a bit of both,, just lmk in the comments lol. 

[ballplayersxo]

NYC girls (and those who might visit), add this to the list: Patron of The New at 151 Franklin Street between Varick and Hudson.

This is the store that JB and Brandon were seen at this week. They also have multiple rappers, baseball, and football players on their page. So next time your fave is in NYC, you might suddenly need men’s clothing lol or atleast a bite to eat nearby.

Note: The Geeenwich Hotel is the only luxury hotel I can think of nearby.

I’ve passed this place multiple times and haven’t seen anyone, but I’ll be honest I only pay attention when people give crackhead vibes lmao, so knowing me I walked right past Kemba and D Book 😭

(PSA: I only posted the first one cuz I know the girls like Lonzo. Please DO NOT leave your house looking to run into Kyle Kuzma.)

nyc girlies y’all know what to do!! & not the kuzma shade 😩

[florianwirtz]

What do you think about england nt?

not much

you know what I'm just gonna say what I think about every player based on those who were called up last time (based on wikipedia) because I’m bored

Jordan Pickford - crackhead, shouldn’t be first choice keeper

Nick Pope - good

Dean Henderson - our baby!! What a great season he had until now! Should be england’s first choice keeper if he keeps his form, also I hope one day he’s going to be united’s keeper!

John Stones - no

Danny Rose - real person, he says things how they are and isn’t afraid to speak up. His times as a player are over tho

Harry Maguire - great defender, gets too much stick because of his price tag when he has been doing well for country and club. Has been a great captain and I rate him as a person too.

Kieran Trippier - no idea how he’s doing at atleti but the last time I heard him doing something useful was at wc 2018 scoring that free kick. Good for him getting revenge at Liverpool in cl.

Ben Chilwell - I probably don’t have to tell you that I absolutely love him and would give my life for him because I already wrote an essay about him saying that. I don’t really rate him as a player tho, he’s mediocre at best but he can still improve cause he’s still young.

Trent Alexander-Arnold - good player

Joe Gomez - good player I guess

Tyrone Mings  - I didn’t like him because he stepped on ibra’s head and that’s literally all I knew about him lol. But since he’s been at villa he’s doing a great job and is probably one of their better players. Good for him getting a call-up

Fikayo Tomori - don’t think i’ve seen him play enough tbh

Jordan Henderson - I don’t rate him as a player but as a person, he seems like a top human being.

Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain - good player but all i know about him that he’s Perrie’s wag

Ross Barkley - all I know about him is that he’s half Nigerian. Also I saw someone on my timeline suddenly thirsting after him ma’am please

Fabian Delph - no

Declan Rice - overrated, also he betrayed the Irish and nah how he snaked himself out for the england bench is disgusting, don’t like him

Mason Mount - okayish

Harry Winks - slightly above average player for me but I used to fancy him lmaoo

James Maddison - great player, however, I don’t like his attitude, he’s on that slight line between arrogant and confident, not my thing. Also dresses like he robbed a gucci store

Raheem Sterling - I admire how he’s always speaking up against racism and he’s a very good player but dives too much for me

Harry Kane - very good player but often injured, unfortunately.

Marcus Rashford - can’t express how much I love him!!! Great player on and off the pitch, what he does for charity is simply amazing!!

Jadon Sancho - I don’t fancy him but I think he’s a hilarious person lmaoo. Also unbelievable player, if we don’t get him at united i’m gonna cry.

Tammy Abraham - think he didn’t show everything he can do this season but it’s his first season and if keeps working, he’s gonna be a great player!

Callum Wilson - good player

Callum Hudson-Odoi - I’d rather not talk about him.

[firstaidspray]

Far Cry 5 nicknames

Wasn’t tagged to do this directly but uh heres what I call them. I tag anyone who wants to.

Joseph Seed - Man Bun

Faith Seed - Crazy Bitch (said out of love)

John Seed - Jared Leto

Jacob Seed - Bastard

Sheriff Whitehorse - Old Man #1

Deputy Hudson - Lesbian / Aww Nana Not My Prison Shank (reference)

Deputy pratt - Sexy Crackhead #2

Marshal Burke - Asshole

Dutch - My New Father

Nick Rye - Mullet Man

Boomer - Babie

Adelaide Drubman - Slut (said out of love)

Hurk - Idiot (said out of love)

Jess Black - Quiet (MGS) but Feral

Cheeseburger - Beesechurger

Grace Armstrong - Legend and Queen

Mary May - Bar Lady

Jerome Jeffries - Church Man

Eli Palmer - Beard / Feral Man

Tammy Barnes - Cardigan

Wheaty - Kickin’ Wing (reference)

Kim Rye - Mother

Sharky Boshaw - My Boyfriend / Husband / Fucking Idiot / Sexy Crackhead #1 / Totally My Type

Virgil Minkler - Old Man #2

Peaches - Karen (reference)

Tracey Lader - Didn’t have one for her tbh

[skinnycarameltay]

i talk to noah about this like everyday but i DO NOT UNDERSTAND THE CATS CAST. so half of the cast is like hoity toity hollywood people like idris elba and judi dench and jennifer hudson but then the other half is crackheads like jason derulo and rebel wilson and james corden and then you have taylor that is like... somewhere in the middle cause she’s not like a Hollywood Film Star but she’s also not like....... jason derulo THE WHOLE THING DOESN’T MAKE SENSE I LITERALLY CANNOT IMAGINE THESE PEOPLE INTERACTING AT ALL LET ALONE MAKING A WHOLE ASS MOVIE TOGETHER I AM SO CONFUSED