#however no one except a dude will flirt with me irl

[barclaysangel]

I might be a lesbian

God that sounds so scary to even type out. I've suspected for a few months that I could be but my bff Jay @king-of-wicked seems fairly convinced that I am.

The only men I crushed on irl were just guys that were nice to me cause I was lonely. Almost all of my male fictional crushes are feminine in some way. And I do feel more for girls than I do for guys. I've never dated anyone irl though (I had a couple online girlfriends years ago but we just stopped talking and there was never a "breakup" but still, I would get all giggly and happy when I did have an online girlfriend) so I can't outright say if I am attracted to both men and women or only women.

I've gone from saying that I was bisexual, to biromantic, to queer, to sapphic over the past few years. Now thinking that I could actually be a lesbian scares tf out of me.

My parents are mostly ok with me being "bi" since there was still a chance of me being with a man and having children that way. I want kids more than a partner, but I'm scared to admit to my parents or even myself that I might have been forcing my attraction to men because I had so much compulsive heteronormativity shoved down my throat growing up.

Just wanted to get that off my chest. I'm far too scared and unprepared to label myself a "lesbian" so I'm just going to go with "sapphic" for now and...see what happens, I guess.

I'll just wait for the right partner to finally drop and slap me in the face with realization.

That's what I'm going through this pride month, hope y'all doing better :)

[dream-launch]

I better get a girlfriend at uni or what's the point

[squishysvt]

Yellow Over Red Roses.

Member: Taeil (nct)

Genre: fluff, angst?

Words: 3k+

A/N this is a soulmate au for those of y’all out there who don’t think romantic love is the most important part of life uwu -Admin Ay

Warning: profanity

     Fate could go suck a dick for all you cared.

Out of all the other people the universe could have chosen to bare the mark that resided on your left wrist, it had to be you.

You stared at the timer as it changed, indicating the time until you met your soulmate down to the second. The same bitter taste that filled your mouth whenever you remembered your other half existed still present. Honestly speaking, you had no problem with whoever it might have been. They were probably one of the sweetest people you were ever going to meet.

It was the fact that you even had a soulmate in the first place. Soulmates were always displayed as ideal romantic partners. Everyone who had already met theirs spoke of how they fell in love within the first second of eye contact, and decided they would marry them within the first minute of speaking. Those who were not bound all seemed to sigh in longing as they day-dreamed about meeting the person they were meant to love for life.

You, however, were never attracted to the idea. Sure, dating always seemed nice as a concept. Loving someone was described as one of, if not, the best feelings in the world. Apparently it made you feel butterflies in your stomach and lifted your mood ten times more than chocolate ever could. But when you tried to think of practicing the act yourself, your thoughts would immediately turn into a mantra of disapproving words, as if your whole body rejected the idea

So, you could say that you were not very happy with the idea of having a soulmate, the definition of a lifetime date mate.

You huffed and violently shut the book that was in your hands, thoughts long a strayed from the history of glassblowing you were originally attempting to read.

You looked down to your wrist and saw the numbers that seemed to mock you.

-30:15:02

     You watched as the fifteen minutes turned into fourteen, then thirteen, until it drove you crazy.

Before you knew it the quiet of the library you sat in added more to your frustration, causing you to let out a pained growl.

Mark, who sat across from you, dropped the pencil he had held in his hand, startled.

His eyes widened in question and worry as he witnessed the mini-breakdown occurring in front of him. He was going to ask you to quiet down, but an angry college student sitting at the next table beat him to it.

“Dude,” Mark hissed, “What is up with you? Are you okay?”

You ran a hand over your face, groaning into it before resting it on the table between you and him.

“I just...it's that soulmate shit getting to me again, I’m sorry.”

Mark sighed and moved his work to the side, and then proceeded to lean closer to you.

“You were seriously making a big deal out of this last night. Chill out, the person probably isn't even that bad. You’ll probably end up really liking them, y/n. You’re--”

“--Soulmates, after all. Yeah, I know, Mark. You’ve told me all this before.”  

Mark smiled at you, flinging a paperclip towards you and missing.

“And you know I’m right. Now c’mon, let’s go raid a some place for snacks. I’m tired of working anyway.”

You hummed, following Mark’s figure already moving towards the library exit.

Mark’s efforts to fix your mood were definitely helpful. Half-priced gas station donuts tended to have that effect on you. You figured, however, that the sensation Mark’s light-hearted giggles in your ears and the sugar in your mouth was only temporary as you layed in bed freshly showered.

You knew that looking at your countdown would only sour your remaining bit of bliss, but you did so anyway.

-20:00:47

     Twenty hours left. You half considered staying up all night, savoring every moment of your freedom before you met your other half. But the tug of your eyes and the fact that you had work the next day convinced you otherwise. So you shoved all thoughts of your future to the back of your mind and drifted off to sleep.

-09:12:56

     You rubbed your earlobe between your thumb and index finger, sighing as you waited in line for a smoothie.

An obnoxiously affectionate couple stood in front of you, whispering cheesy nothings in each other's ears. They were soulmates, quite obvious from the intricate tattoo-like markings they shared on the napes of their necks.

Will you and your soulmate be like them?

Did you even want that type of relationship with...anyone?

A shiver ran down your spine as you thought of you and your partner flirting with similar goofy, love-struck smiles. No, you did not.

Your chest tightened and you wanted nothing more than to get out and go back to work, away from the pressure of the universe's decisions and distract yourself with the large stack of papers you had left to file. Just then the cashier called out your name, placing your order on the counter. You grabbed the cold smoothie into your hands and rushed through the door of the small shop, earning a few curious glances on your way out.

-00:30:02

     The night air bit at your skin as you shuffled out of your small apartment. The air that escaped out of your mouth made its presence known, condensating in the air. Pulling the muffler around your neck a little higher, you made your way to the grocery about two blocks away. You were too tired to cook an acceptable dinner, so you instead decided to stock up on a few television dinners until you gained your energy back.

The bright lights in front of the grocery contrasted greatly with the soft shine of the moon above your head.

-00:15:00

     The skin on your wrist began to burn, and you rolled your eyes, immediately knowing the reason why. Your meeting was coming closer.

Despite your previous freakouts, you felt oddly calm as you strolled back to your apartment. An acceptance to your fate regardless of how much you did not think you would enjoy it.

-00:00:32

     You watched the moon follow you as you walked. It’s large craters seemed to stare back at you in wonder, and if you had an inch of artistic ability in your body you would have painted it. You settled with ingraining the sight into your memory instead.

-00:00:03

     A flash of silver was the last thing you remembered before ending up on the ground, a scrape on your knee and a bone to pick with whatever person decided to throw a door wide open without even looking at their surroundings.

00:00:00

     “Shit, I am so so sorry, oh my God.”

You rubbed at the side of your head, it baring the forefront of the attack, and scowled.

“Yeah, it's fine--”

When you looked up to see who it was it felt as if all the air was sucked out of you once your eyes met. His large brown eyes felt familiar although they had no place in your memories and a name sat on the tip of your tongue that you had not even recalled hearing before.

You sucked in a breath as you felt your wrist burn, the numbers on your timer changing from how long until you met your soulmate into how long since.

00:00:18

     You snapped your eyes away from the man once you realized how long you had been staring. He did the same soon after, realizing how uncomfortable you might have felt.

You cleared your throat.

“So...I’m guessing you're the notorious soulmate of mine?”

His head tilted and you repressed thoughts of how astoundingly adorable the gesture was.

“Notorious? What's that supposed to mean?”

You scoffed, “Nothing, don't worry about it.”

After brushing yourself off and standing up, you held out your hand.

“I’m y/n, although you probably already know that.”

Your soulmate took your hand in his, accepting the handshake.

“Taeil.”

13:05:00

      Mark’s jaw dropped, releasing a series of surprised noises. You gave him time to collect himself.

“So you really met him last night?”

The question came out cracked and raspy, and all you wanted to do was help Mark out and buy him a bottle of water.

“Yes, this is like the fifth time I've said it. Keep it together, dude.”

Mark took a deep breath, attempting to compose himself before speaking again.

“When do I get to meet him?”

“I just met him last night, can you chill out for like, one second?” You sighed, regretting telling your friend about the encounter so soon.

“Yeah, but I should know what Taeil’s like so that I can give my official best friend stamp of approval before you both start going out!”

You flinched at Mark’s words.

“I…” You swallowed, “I haven't really decided on that last bit.”

“What, going out?”

You nodded, not wanting to expand on the issue any further.

“Aren't you supposed to want to date your soulmate once you meet, though?” Mark’s eyed widened. The expression was comical, and normally you would have giggled.

However, the implications of what Mark had said was the only thing that had filtered into your mind. According to everyone else, yes, you were supposed to want to date him. By now you were supposed to be head over heels for Taeil. You sat and wondered why that was not the case with you at all.

You felt different...broken.

84:21:36

     You: hey, can we talk [read, 12:00 p.m.]

Taeil: sure??? wht is it ? [12:01 p.m.]

You: i’d..rather talk about it irl [read, 12:02 p.m.]

Taeil: alright...let’s meet at the mall in an hour? You can help me run errands! [12:04 p.m.]

  You rubbed your sweaty palms as you sat in the mall food court, waiting for Taeil to arrive. Deep breaths were the best way to calm yourself down as you rehearsed what you wanted to say in your head.

“Y/N?”

The feeling of Taeil’s delicate fingers on your shoulder caused a shock to run across your skin and you flinched before relaxing into the touch.

Taeil sat in the chair across from you before smiling.

“So...you wanted to tell me something?”

You hummed, not exactly ready to start talking yet.

Taeil nodded and slumped in his chair. His eyes seemed to dart everywhere except towards you, and you took the blatant avoidance of your stare as a chance to prep yourself.

Significant others, life partners, soulmates, you let the words bounce through your consciousness as you evaluated yours.

His eyes were deep and worried. His smile faltered yet was genuine.

“Uhm so,” you coughed, “Taeil, what do you think about...dating?”

Taeil choked and rubbed at his neck.

“Well, I mean-- I’ve done it before..?”

You shook your head.

“No, I mean you and me dating. Like, exclusively, only us two doing...romantic stuff.”

“I haven't really thought about it?”

You picked at your fingers.

“To be honest I wasn't that big on it either, but you know--”

“Everybody's saying that we should?”

Taeil smiled as you visibly relaxed in your seat. He reached over the table for your hand. Had it been anyone else you would have moved away. Perks of being a soulmate, you thought.

“Listen, I won't force you to be in a relationship with me if you don't want to, and you shouldn't let anyone else either.”

“I don’t know,” you stared at how Taeil’s hand enveloped yours, “But I guess I’m willing to think about it.”

244:00:17

     “Sweetie...are you sure that’s what you want to wear out today?”

Your mother scanned your body with a grimace. You rolled your eyes.

“What’s wrong with me wearing jeans and a t-shirt out?”

You made your way towards the front door, ready to leave, but you did not miss the smirk that played on your mother’s lips.

“I just think you could do better for your first date with your soulmate.”

Choking, you stepped out of the house. You did not even have to question how she knew about Taeil as you pulled out your phone from your pocket.

You: mark lee if your loose lipped ass did what i think it did i will not hesitate to slaughter you tomorrow. [read, 4:00 pm]

Mark: :) [4:00 pm]

244:45:30

     You could pinpoint Taeil’s figure from about a mile away, his broad shoulders standing out from the small line in front of the theater’s ticket window. Taeil had planned the date, wanting to watch a movie together and go out for lunch afterwards.

Before you knew it his name slipped out of your mouth, him jumping in surprise from your sudden call. You skipped up to Taeil’s side and hummed a tune as you watched him exchange money for two back row tickets.

A daunting feeling settled in the pit of your stomach as you waited for Taeil to finish his transaction. You felt as if you were doing something wrong, that you were out of place, but Taeil tapped you out of your reverie before you could understand why exactly that was.

245:00:07

     You shoved a handful of popcorn into your mouth from the bucket in your lap as you watched the movie. Clangoring explosions rang throughout the room as an action sequence played out on the screen. Taeil chuckled at every eager whine that escaped your throat whenever the leading characters would escape death.

Distracted by the fight scene occurring within the movie, you barely noticed it as Taeil’s hand creeped onto your knee. Uncomfortable from the sudden intimate touch, you shifted your leg away. You missed Taeil’s eyebrows crinkle at the movement before reverting back to a placid expression once again.

515:12:21

     Mark nudged your leg from his position on the floor.

“What do you want, loser?” You groaned, lifting your head from where it rested as you layed in bed, scrolling through your phone.

You gasped when Mark’s head popped up from the side of your bed, almost directly in front of your face.

“How far have you and Taeil gone?”

You felt your face warm at the question.

“I-- what do you mean? We’ve been together for, like, two weeks?”

Mark rolled his eyes as if you were feigning ignorance.

“Dude, shut up. Everyone knows soulmates hook up even sooner than that.  You haven’t even kissed?”  

You shrugged, “I don’t know, I just...haven’t felt compelled to do so?”

Mark scoffed, rolling his eyes once more. “Sure, Jan.”

Offended, you shot up from your bed and crossed your arms.

“And how far have you gone with Yukhei, Mark Lee? You met him a few days ago if I am not mistaken?”

“Stop trying to change the topic.”

You smirked and fell back down onto the bed, picking up your phone once more.

“Thought so!”

564:28:19

     “Babe, let’s break up.”

You stopped mid-sip of your coffee, your green straw a centimeter away from your face.

“Taeil...so sudden?”

Taeil drummed his fingers against his plastic cup before taking a long, thoughtful gulp and speaking again.

“Look, I’ll be honest with you. This isn’t my first time dating. I know what it looks like when someone is invested in a relationship and you...aren’t.”

Your eyes widened at the sudden frankness of your soulmate.

“Oh...okay.”

“See? You’re barely even reacting to me breaking up with you! Most people would start, I don’t know, crying or something but you’re just...taking it? As if you were waiting for this.”

You could feel your heart scrunching up while processing Taeil’s words. Suddenly, you were overly conscious of your breathing, your heart rate, and even the way your tongue settled in your mouth. Nothing was out of the ordinary, in fact, you were not affected by the event at all.

Despite your efforts to formulate a coherent sentence, all that managed to come out was a defeated sigh. Taeil reached for your hand as he smiled. It was as if he knew that the breakup was bound to happen. His patience and understanding caused your heart to swell.

You laughed when you felt tears prick at your eyes.

“I really don’t deserve you, Taeil.”

He nodded, silently agreeing.

You chuckled and rubbed his thumb between your fingers.

“Honestly, I’ve known forever that I didn’t want a relationship. Ever since I was little and my friends would talk to me about their crushes, I wasn’t able to understand any of it,” you struggled to keep going, a knot forming in your throat, “And I felt so wrong for it. Like, maybe my brain was wired the wrong way.”

Taeil’s face scrunched together as he spoke.

“Y/n, there is nothing wrong with you. You didn’t have to date me if that’s how you felt--”

“I thought I had to!”

Your face was hot and wet tears ran down your cheeks. People were staring at the commotion you were causing but you could not care less.

You saw the way that Taeil had jumped back in his seat. You took a few breaths to calm yourself down.

“I felt like I had to, okay? What normal soulmates don’t date? I had to at least try.”

A light bulb seemed to blink over Taeil’s head as he appeared to remember something.

“Actually, I know a few soulmates that aren’t in a romantic relationship! I should take you to go meet them one day.”

Weight lifted off your shoulders at the news of others being like you, and you felt your lips twitch into a smile before you could stop yourself. Taeil typed furiously into his phone, most likely texting the said people. Gratefulness swelled in your chest as you watched.

“I love you.”

Taeil’s head shot straight up, face covered in shock before calming.

“I love you, too.”