#however ik im right
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#what am i doing with my life anymore#however ik im right#detective l#ben jie ming#luo fei#ashton originals
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Yeah ik there's something pure sweet about Lucanis feeling safe enough to sleep a full night around Rook etc but bloody hell he looks fucking exhausted 😭
It's honestly all the more impressive he's even functioning, let alone at the high level he is, given how tired he looks
Honestly the day he's had more than one night's worth of a full sleep, it's so over for everyone lmao
#yes ik sleep deprivation was v much part of his training#however#ugh i just need the guy to get some rest omg#cerys is right there ready to help him with that#she'll start waxing lyrical about her favourite style of pen and stock the lighthouse with horlicks instead of coffee#“count sheep with me” “really?” [they get to 200 and she gives up]#honestly im sleep deprived and all i get it bb#(not as bad but still)#anyways#she talks!#dragon age#veilguard#dragon age: the veilguard#lucanis dellamorte#datv#davg
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hhhhidea...,,,, CUTE idea (kinda?) dust reading to phantom papyrus during night to lull him to sleep,,,, but really its just a way for him to pretend that everythings not really that shit (as if phantom paps isn't just dust's denial incarnate) and to help him NOT wake up because of a nightmare again or something
(and just because i can't resist now im imagining this with mtt. not that dust stopped reading to paps in place of killer and horror (because he wouldnt he simply wouldn't) but now the two join them for storytime. horror knocks out pretty damn fast and eventually dust falls asleep too after he makes sure that paps is satisfied with the amount he read and then killer's just left to sit there. maybe he tries to fall asleep maybe he doesn't,,,, maybe he picks up the book and continues reading but EITHERWAY,,,,,, this scene in my head so 💥💥💥😇😇😇)
#sweet soft mtt taking OVER triglycercule's brain has been invaded with them.........#horror probably sleeps like a rock man. dust is a very very very light sleeper. killer doesn't sleep at all and when he does#its just like that half asleep state. better than nothing tho....... those weeks of not sleeping probably leads to the most delicious naps#now in an ideal world killer learns to get a proper sleep schedule even if he can't feel his exhaustion#however in MY mtt dominated world killer doesn't fix his sleep habits and instead just takes a shitton of naps everywhere#they killerfied the house (made everything softer to sleep on) and killer always has 2 walking pillows to sleep on#sure he might not get 8 hours of sleep like during night. but he got that over the day so its ok TRUSY#this surely wont have any bad side effects but whatever its the mtt since when do they care about PROPER habits. if it works it works#ik i aaaaalways say hrkl wouldn't like phantom paps and find it weird but also now im considering#like. them being jealous of dust for always having kinda papyrus with him#like damn..... horror fucked up his brother permanently. he will never get the old paps back#and killer doesnt want to see his papyrus again because then he thinks hell just ruin everything again#but dust gets to talk and laugh and joke with his paps all the time!!! he got it better than them and thats just cus he hallucinates!!!! wt#i mean phantom paps isnt a 1:1 version of papyrus but hes close enough in my eyes#another idea....... horror (and maybe killer if he warms up to it) hanging out with dust JUST to talk to phantom paps#dust could easily just lie about what phantom paps says (although unless he had a reason he wouldnt risk upsetting paps like that methinks)#but theres something there. something something toxic mttpoly dynamic or whatever idc man. im in the mood for FLUFF!!!!!!!!!!#i think it would be funny if phantom paps says dusts deepest thoughts about hrkl. and then if he wants to say it dust has to filter it a LO#they could be sitting near killer and phantom paps would provide a detailed description of why killer has the mannerisms of a cat#and then dust would (hesitantly) agree to everything paps said (he was thinking it too) but when killer looks back at him#(he's been staring at killer for the past 10 minutes to see if what paps said was right) dust just says like. you remind me of a cat#OR BETTER YET he doesn't wanna admit that he thought of that so he just says paps says you remind him of a cat#insert horror version of this moment here. and killer quickly realizes that dust's just using papyrus as an excuse for why he says stuff#like that sometimes. horror just thinks dust's a weirdo freak (but unlike killer he takes the little observations to heart. loser)#killer sans#horror sans#dust sans#murder time trio#utmv#tricule hc
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i have the sudden desire to try out a very fem aesthetic...like total 180 from how i usually look...🧍♂️saw this one tiktok like appreciating the office siren aesthetic or something similar to that and i was like damn....wish i could pull that off :/ someone do my makeup when...i do feel like if i dug out an old dress or something it would look funny...UGH IDK THIS IS JUST A YAP
#dont get me wromg I LOVEEEEE being masc/butch sm the values and aesthetic are so comfortable for me and truly feel RIGHT#however every so often i think ab that stupid thing thats like “mascs are masc bc they arent pretty enough to be fem...”#IK THATS TOTAL DOODOO. BUT IM PROLLY PMSING AND WHO THE FUCK KNOW
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ooooo everyone hates alicent so much. sorry im on the side of late stage abortion.
“she’s a terrible mother and it’s her fault that aegon is king when he didn’t want to be” blah blah blah. yeah she fucked up. but if it wasn’t alicent in his ear it would’ve been otto, let’s be honest.
alicent deserved to #killthatthing as soon as she realised she was pregnant with a baby she didn’t want with a man she didn’t want to impregnate her. but she didn’t get that, and instead she had years of otto and colecel in her ear telling her to get aegon ready or let him die, after discovering that she actually couldn’t trust rhaenyra like she’d maintained she could for years - despite her being a terrible friend to alicent since the marriage was announced. then because she didn’t want those children, and all they represented was her pain, she wasn’t able to love them in a way they deserved.
2/3 of those who she raised turned into pieces of shit, and the 1 that didn’t, was forced to marry and bear children in the same way alicent was, and she had to watch that happen and then live with herself afterwards. not only that, but it was 2 of her children forced to marry each other despite it going against everything alicent was raised to believe is right.
and now, that child who turned out gentle, whose son was murdered in front of her for a war everyone keeps telling alicent that she caused, isn’t even getting the agency to refuse going to war? despite the fact that everyone knows it would ‘break her mind’?
yeah i’m getting my daughter and saving her from that fate like i couldn’t save her from mine, too - even if it means sacrificing my rapist son and my kinslayer* son.
#OPINION#user: opheliahightower#disclaimer i’m aware this is like not the Right way to see it yadyadayada#however the joy of fiction is that you can look at it however you like#not team green or anti team black btw#i like rhaenyra#rhaenyra is considering massacring more innocent people yet i see nothing about that#we all have our own limits for what we can accept in the characters we love <3#*ik aemond didn’t mean to kill him but aemond has yet to admit that to anyone but his mummyprostitute#alicent hightower#hotd#house of the dragon#also before i have to see anyone else being annoying no im not claiming this because of a warped view of feminism 😭
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its so embarassing likee. going to talk abt a feeling you have but you already know ppl will be like Oh that sounds like depression lol and its like. well yes . i know . trust me i am so aware i am depressed . but its still like a thing ive been thinking abt and wanting to talk abt but ik itll just be like Ok hun 👍. idk idk what response i would want tho ig FNFNFNF
#not anything serious i was just thinking how like. idk. this is gonna sound rly stupid#but for me personally like. sometimes. How do i phrase this without sounding rly evil#i think obv ppl can spend their money however they want but like. its kind of hard 4 me to grasp sometimes like. there r things that ppl#spend a lot of money on bc it makes them happy like umm. vacations or pets or hobbies or whathaveyou. and obviously thats fine but#i iust feel like its all so. temporary and like. idk. idt im ohrasing this right at all i just likee. the thought of working all year to#afford to take a vacation and then working again to afford another vacation just makes me feel like i want to die. like. idk... i like#vacations we dont need to go on them a lot but ig its just like. everything we do just feels like a waste of time. not in like a Ohh you#should be doing more work Obviously its just like. idk. maybe it is just me. but i feel like im just waiting until i die and can be done#with it i guess. and everything i do is just to fill time until that happens. yk ? which is silly bc of my whole. Thing i cant talk abt#but ppl talk abt like. going out and partying or going on vacation or whatever and i like. I like those things its nice when they happen#but they dont rly make me longterm any happier i guess. everything just feels like another thing im doing. idk. this rly isnt coming out the#way it is in my head. and Again i know this is just depression shit or whatever im just like. its all exhausting. it just makes me feel so#tired. to think abt working and working and working so i can pay to be alive and i can save to do one fun thing every so often to keep me#sane enough to keep working and working and working and i probably wont ever be able to retire itll just be. work. and then ill die. yk.#but i feel like the vacations and stuff dont like. refresh me very much. maybe its just bc ive only been on one 'vacation' as an adult and#it was just like. coming home to see my family. and realizing id have to move back home yk..#+ like. my mom nd my gran taking me out for a weekend when i lived up there#nd those things were nice and all but once its over its like. it doesnt fuel me to keep going it doesnt make me feel any better abt having#to work for the rest of my life#ik im being ridiculous bc im literally unemployed and i cant even get up off my ass to get my stupid fucking ged so i can get a job and be#Useful to my family its just like. idk.... i try so hard to be like Oh nothing mayters and thats why everything matters type thing like. Yes#all things end and the point is to just try to be happy until it does#but i feel like it just doesnt happen for me. i feel like any happiness i feel is so insanely like. it happens and then its gone. and its#back to just. the knowledge that im still fucking stuck here. and i will be until it happens. yk. i play video games tomoass the time until#i go back to sleep then i wake up and i make a spreadsheet to pass the time until i go back to sleep#and everyday just feels like passing the time until i go back to sleep and itll just keep going until it happens. and its nice to have nice#days but whats like. the point. yk. everything just ends#IDK. this is all very whiny im sry. ive just been feeling it a lot lately . i hope this doesnt feel like me being like Ohhh you ppl r so#dumb participating in hobbies and going out and having fun dont you know yr gonna DIE? thats not what im trying to be like#its just like. i feel like it doesnt make me as happy as it does other ppl like. none of it refreshes me or makes me want to keep going
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something I think is actually hilarious is that if you go left enough you start having more stances in common with (individual) conservatives, and if you go right enough you start agreeing with (individual) leftists. like i have a pretty close friend who's self described as "just far enough right that I hate politicians" , whom I hard disagree with his overarching political stances. but the finer details of it... yeah we agree with each other. gun control/gun rights opinions taxation opinions pro-small government opinions slight separatist opinions anti two party opinions anti-corporation opinion ect ect ect.
we stand on opposite sides of a standard political compass but I genuinely think if I were to count stats, I'd agree with as many of his stances as I would a liberals/democrats stances. my hs gov teacher described the difference in right vs left to us as "everyone's goal here is the betterment of mankind, they just think the best ways to do it are different" and that's literally the best way, to me, to describe what the difference in right vs left is regarding anarchism specifically. we got ESSENTIALLY the same opinion but the ways we think are the best ways to go about enacting said opinion are what makes us different. and something abt that is really painfully funny to me. envisioning a world where an-something is the major world thing, not capitalism.... and there's STILL right vs left... but The Anarchist Versions. christ.
sorry for the book i wrote in the tags. ignore typos I am NOT retyping any of that to fix them xoxo
#this is a controversial post to post here ik. however i think can we all agree that echo chambers and bubbles aren't... good.#and i think something that gets forgotten a lot by leftists is that there ARE anarchists on the right#yes we are EXTREMELY different but its important to like. remember that should The revolution come in our lifetimes their still gonna exist#and political disagreement on an individual scale CAN and SHOULD be civil so long as neither party is coming from a bigoted stance.#as in.. no i dont agree with a good chuck of what his stances but by disagree i just think hes wrong abt economics bros not like. a bigot.#in this same vain i also think (myself included) people shouldn't conflate conservativism with racists and homophobes. t#theres proud gay conservatives and conservatives who are poc... erasing those people means we cannot know of how the other side works.#i genuinely believe that if i were to go read every political theory book on right leaning politics id fine something uniquely republican#/right/whatever that i would agree with and then adapt into my own politics. im sure at least one of the unique-to-the-right stances has#actually standing and isn't a load of shit (again probably something economic rather than social).#and thats not a bad thing and if you think it is a actually don't know how to explain it to you! we MUST critically but civilly interact#with political opinions mirroring our own to 1 understand other people 2 fully understand and develope our own stances and why we have em#i genuinely find political conversations with that friend extremely enlightening even if we both walk away still set in unchanged opinions.#because it means i understand WHY others drift to those options but more importantly why /i/ drifted to my own
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#something something... i don't wanna date. i just wanna magically be in a relationship. or HOWEVER that post goes.. ya#i think it might happen IDK. its like....... god this sounds SO... CHEESY#avert your eyes. ....#i think that like. something is gonna happen between us for sure. idk what it is. ik what i Hope it is but JDJDJJDJDJDJDJDMXMXM#gosh its so scary im just. idk !!!@@@ i feel like whenever i start to mega doubt... hes like... right there.... IDK#and like idk !!!@@@ he sure feels like my person idk. JDJDJDDKDKD#i just like being around him. like even if we dont have any interests in common i literally dont care bc we have like really similar values#and temperaments#IDK IM JUST !!!!@@@@@!!!!!#i wanna see him JDKDDKKDKDKDKDKD#like messaging is fine. but i just !!!!!@@#ah well.... for sure in feb !!!! but i hope b4 then :))))#he's so cute and like.... avert your eyes once more...#hes like... as i know him today.... perfect for me. like i just !!!!!! idk how to explain. like personality thay i like AND hes cute ?????#i just. idk i think we'd balance each other so well...... IDK...... i just like him so much#i cant explain properly but ya !!!! just feel like...... !!!!!! the universe was listening to me JDJDJDJDJJD#like hes even taller than me but just by a few inches which is Perfect. i dont care that hes under 6 feet bc hes the perfect height for me#JDJDJJDJDJDJDJDJD N E WAY#personal
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my dad and i are so normal that when i was a kid he had a computer in his office and one in the living room and the way we spent time together is we would both be on one computer in different rooms of our house playing diablo together
#97#a lot of my childhood was just watching my dad play video games while he didnt rly pay attention to me#and also watching movies he liked#he did also watch cartoons w me but he didnt like most of them so hed fall asleep most of the time#however he DID like totally spies lol#that was the only cartoon hed be actively watching w me and im sure it plays in it remaining my favorite today#we are so alike in silly ways.. whenever he comes to my place for coffee he still always sits on the floor right in front of the couch#im a big floor sitter as well so ik the urge..
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spectragus dont get enough credit for being a sun and moon ship but like. destructive sun and moon ship. sun and moon ship but they're the forces of nature the sun and moon actually are. the sun is harsh and relentless and unpredictable in its evil but also it's kindness, the moon is sharp and cold and cruel, a harsh light that doesn't allow you peace, but can also guide you, a light in the darkness. even on nights with a new moon, with no light in the sky, the moon is always reflecting the sun, and it'll be that way until they come to their end.
#spectragus give me a dopamine high that any sort of drug couldn't even come close to giving me#its the loyalty. its the seeing each other at their worst and still staying.#its the being the only person still around who knows and understands what youve been through#its the being so important to each other's characters that u cant mention one without recognising the impact the other has on them#i dont rlly do shipping unless its funny but also im a huge gus fan so like. yea. plus my view on romance is a bit all over the place anyway#something something my skrunkles deserve complicated relationships that are more than romantic but something else#its the trust thats the most important thing to me. trust and loyalty and devotion and#im sorry but i would have exploded if i like. didn't write down these thoughts#anyways fucked up gay people who are a package deal and that is a threat thats them#ik the majority of my posts are hee hee funnie and i usually dont take things too seriously#but these two have taken up part of my brain permanently since i was 8. like. they just live there. rent free.#i am like rabid rn. i am feral and i am insane and i am crazy and there are so many things wrong with me#i cant even write down all my fuckin thoughts there's so many my brain is going to Explode pray for me#idk if u understand how important it is to me the times they show kindness even while at their worst#they're not good people but they have people they care about and they care abt each other and that matters SO much#i take 0 criticism on my posts i only take cash. however there is no possible criticism to be made bc i am RIGHT#also this all kinda sparked from me getting obsessed with a certain kh character who has a connection to the moon#who is also one of my favourite characters ever#and if u know who it is and u also like him ur very cool#im not tagging this w character tags. im like. very shy. but#i love gus i love spectra i love spectragus#anyways see u next time where i should hopefully have art maybe potentially#i found the brushes i used to use back when i did lineless art so i am rlly happy
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LMFAOOOO THEY ADDED A CANONICAL JOURNEY TO THE WEST IN GENSHIN.....
(from a scene note puzzle in the veluriyam mirage, vers 3.8)
transcription under the cut
id: screenshot from the genshin impact fan wiki. the text reads: “scene notes: this is a cut scene from the show “journey to the east”. the original idea revolved around a tale of a traveler and their journey eastwards from Fontaine to Sumeru to search for unassuming wisdom in the House of Daena. This scene concerned how the traveler saved the "Master of Earthly Transformations" from being crushed by a massive boulder, and their adventures on the road. Unfortunately, the Hydro Eidolons acting the part of both the traveler as well as the Master of Earthly Transformations have disappeared. If only someone could bring them back, and capture the rehearsal by the huge boulder...”
end id.
#however why did they make it from fontaine to sumeru#they even have a fake china region.. like guys#LIYUE SUMERU INTERACTION WAS RIGHT THERE GUYS!!!! WHY SUBSTITUTE THEM WITH WHITE PEOPLE#anyways. gonna think about this it's HILARIOUS#genshin when will we get a monkey boy so the sun wukong fanclub can start celebrating#jk please dont i don't need more lego monkie kid fans it feels weird to be consuming like. real mythological deities as fan content#ramblings!#like ik chinese and easian people who enjoy it but im sorry for the rest of yall i'm gatekeeping idc!! people get SOOO weird about it like g#guys go away and touch grass#genshin impact#genshin spoilers#3.8 spoilers#veluriyam mirage
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when i was a kid the idea of like surprise birthday parties was so like. idk i wanted it and it never happened but now its actually like. gonna happen to me but at a really really bad time when i am going to be very stressed and whatever the surprise thing is will probably make it worse so its like. hmm. early birthday gift of being nauseous with anxiety a month in advance
#my brother had good intentions telling me but also like. i have been tearing up all night and when i tried to explain my reservations to him#i just felt stupid so its. mm. this sucks#its also weird bc like. guuuhhgg i had a weird Thing a while ago that was apparently really bad i guess#so it feels like. idk. my mother trying to 'fix' that with this. so i feel like i cant say no to it#(especially bc she doesnt know i kinda know about it)#but its also like. well. when it happens i might really really freak out badly and that would ruin things for everyone. right.#kind of feel like im stuck between a rock and a hard place here bc like i WANT to talk to my mother abt this but also again she doesnt know#that i know and i dont want her to be disappointed that my brother said something to me. even though i dont know what the surprise is#just that there is one planned#also in recent years ive realized i get i suppose anxious when people get me gifts i havent Asked for#so surprises like this arent really my thing anymore. i think when i was a kid i mostly wanted one bc in tv shows theres always a lot#of people there for it and i was a lonely child.#anyway i realize this is something of a stupid thing to complain about#in my defense i feel like a lot of things that should be 'about me'#(however self centered that sounds. it makes me wince to say trust me.)#are made to be more about other people namely my immediate family.#so like my gender isnt about me its about how my mother feels about it. and my birthday isnt about me its about other people celebrating it#again ik ik its a stupid complaint. just saying that because of that *points up* which ive been feeling for nearly 10 years now#its all a bit of a tender bruise. emotionally speaking. for me.#personal
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there waz that post ages ago i believe pre my sweeneytoddification beam (watched the movie on a whim and then immediately made my sibling and 💀💀💀 watch it with me (seperately (i watched it 3 times within 2 days (im fairly snti movie now its like.. whateverrr its kind lame. also ewww to the lead actor who shall not be named)))) that post tyat was like Whats the unreleased project/song/movie/game/whatever that youre modt sad abt... And i didnt ha e an answer at the tjme but oh my god dude its literally the restnof the 2012 london cast recording I WANNA HEAR THE REST OF THE SONGSSS
#ik they didnt cut at least most of them they may have a bit theres a boot on yt that i watched and it had some that werent on the album#(pirelli. (no actually taking this out of parenthesis rq))-> The fact pirelli is not in any of the songs. in the 2012 cast recording. bc#they judt didnt upload any of the songs he was in. to the vast recording. ITS SICKENINGGGG i judt know theirnoirellis wouldve slapped i#just know their the contest wouldve slapped. UGH. AND NO GREEN FINCH AND LINNET BIRD??? DIABOLICAL.#sighh. i wish there was a proshit butterlass. the boot that i watched was pretty low quality which sucks bc from what i could see (not much#at all) the swt design was so cool...#also i say in this post in anti movie. dreadful secret. for the songs that arent on the 2012 beautiful london cast ..i do sometimes turn to#the movie over the 1980s.. and obvi over 2005 be serious. im likee#idk. helena bonham carters lovett is. fine. she has anice voice. However its like an entirely different character likee. why is she young#and sexy. Hashtag not my lovett. but its like. whateverr different interpretations whatever#i can accept different interpretations of the characters *looks at 2005* ... to an extent#but yaaa basicslly. the movies Whatever. it is also missing a lot of the songs oh my god and also . the fact . that they cut god thats good#or no. it wasnt cut they just removed everything that made it good right. So lame. and swapping its place eith johanna (?#am i misremembering...)... Incredibly bizarre decision 2 me. ehatever though
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i feel like i should change zeros actual name... since I didn't know Isaac was a hebrew name... and dont wanna convey the wrong message... but goddamn does "isaac charles winslow" roll off the tongue.
#when i say it in a medieval announcer voice it just. sounds so right. best if you roll your r a bit too on charles.#my ocs#zero#ik realistically it shouldnt matter- but i have some conspiracy brained people in my life who stalk me on here and i dont want#any conservative for even a second to come under some delusion that zero has nothing to do with them and has something to do w jewish ppl#bc i promise he has EVERYTHING to do with specifically christian conservatives.#im sure my siblings and father would love to pretend hes just a metaphor for my mom and gma. im sure thats what they so badly#want to believe is the case. but guys. i promise. hes WAY more inspired by yall :^) LMAO#controlling physically abusive nature? my dad.#weird manipulative shit and convincing people to hate me? my sister.#and if you know me i probably dont need to explain how hes like my brother and also dont want to bc its disturbing.#treating animals like creatures they get to control and own and treat however? all of them#tendency to threaten violence to you specifically if they're abusing you to shut you up? all of them#mom might have some issues but quite frankly most of the issues she had im 95% sure she accidentally absorbed from my dad#maybe not the emotional expression issues but everything else? yeah...#and struggling with expressing emotions doesnt make her the most evil person on earth.#personally id rather be around someone who struggles to express their emotions than someone who might try to start a fight with me#to prove im actually a man#just saying.
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sighhhhh made an entire schedule for an imaginary 3mo baby. and wrote down a bunch of notes about how to take care of my imaginary 3mo baby. but then i got rly sad bc i started writing notes about how im going to be working 8 hours a day 5 days a week during the majority of the babys awake time and now im a bit sad . whatever
#Im not having a baby anytime soon i just like planning and researching and thinking about my imaginary baby that i might never actually have#makes me so happy#i do have a disease where i just cant fathom Another person being there. so if there is thats gonna muck up my schedule potentially...#but. i think daycare is a good option if i can find a nice one that i can afford. hooooopefully by the time i have a baby ill have a good#paying job and obviously if there is another parent thatll help with like. money and stuff#sigh idk im trying not to think abt it more but my little momey earlier reaffirmed to me idk if im ever actually going to be able to be in#romantic relationship and that might be for the best. and also idk im just very paranoid that even if i do magically get uncrazy and fall i#love with somebody and im well adjusted enough to have a kid likee. what if they end up being abusive or neglectful of the baby. you know.#its one of my biggest fears obviously id like. talk In depth abt having kids w them before we have kids and wed work out plans and schedule#together but im just very paranoid basically. but. it doesnt actually matter bc this is all imaginary and Again might not even happen.#im also. hrmm. bc obv a big costsaver daycare wise would be having my parents watch the baby if im living in the same area. however#i have very very specific rules for how ill interact with my baby and i dont know if i trust. my parents. to interact with them the right w#like mainly when they get older one of my big things is that i never ever ever want to yell at my baby i never want to like. yk. i dont wan#to Snap or get angry ik its normal to get overwhelmed and overstimulated but i dont want my kid(s) to like. see me being overwhelmed or#upset w them. you know. but i dont know if i can trust my parents not to snap at my kid . yk. not that i dont want them to meet my kids i#i love my parents despite All that but. idk if id be comfortable leaving my kid alone with them the majority of the day.... yk. maybe#weekend visits once the kids older but i will be Sitting my parents down and Lecturing them . abt how to treat my kid#ik ppl r usually better as grandparents than as parents tho. so hopefully they like. idk. im just very paranoid abt if i do get to have kid#if i do reach a place where i can have kids and take care of them properly like i rly rly want to im rly worried abt like. i just want my#kids to be happy and welladjusted and have a good life And well see this is part of the reason im not ready for kids is bc i place too many#expectations on them already. and i shouldnt go into having a child w a savior complex i shouldnt have a kid for the gratification of#being the one to give the kid a good life. not that i shouldnt want to give the kid a good life but like. you know what i mean. i shouldnt#have a kid just so i can vicariously live out a happy childhood through them. you know. which i fear might be what im subconsciously doing
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really horribly anxious this morning and can't seem to shake it off :-(
#struggling not to dissociate. just don't really know what I'm going to do with all this i think thats where its coming from#+ exacerbated by so much recent disappointment. its hard not to direct that towards myself even when im not really at fault#not to mention disappointment in other people. which is really just more self disappointment for having expectations in the first place#which are unfeasible/not communicated. i just feel so unreal and unreachable. kind of just incompatible with the world i think#and i dont remember how to weave myself back into it again.im not sure ive ever really known how. immiscibility innit#its ok. going to try and start meditating daily again. and negotiate better boundaries for myself. it might help to journal it out#not on here i mean in a physical journal. i can't hold this exclusively in my head or I'll want to start harming again ik its a trigger#its all okay tho sorry this sounds more dramatic than it actually is. my flatmates gone out so at least i can cry while doing chores#she was dressed up nice and came to say goodbye when she left which she doesnt normally do so i dont think she'll be back for a while#hope she has a good time whatever shes up to. probably shouldve asked in hindsight but im too anxious to be able to talk today#and selfishly it would make me feel worse trying not to compare myself to how much more meshed with reality she is she makes it look easy#she only wanted me to do her suncream but i started trembling rly badly after. just cant physically be around other people right now#well at least i didnt cry in front of her so thats something. okay. ive made a list of tasks so im going to pick them off one at a time#i shouldnt have to think too much about them. and hopefully by the time im done ill feel much calmer#and then maybe i can play a game or smth. but if not i wont be hard on myself ill just go lie down and listen to music instead#man it is a shame about this festival though but it is what it is. therell be other days. i guess im not really a weekend person hey#ah itll all pass its all good. im always okay again eventually however temporarily. i dont need anything other than that#.diaries
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