#how writing can help cult survivors

[venniekocsis]

Writing Helps Cult Survivors Reclaim Their Voice and Identity. Here's How.

Cults are often defined as groups or communities that use manipulative tactics to control their members’ beliefs, behaviors, and identities. Surviving a cult or cultic community can be an incredibly traumatic experience leaving survivors struggling with a range of emotional and psychological issues, including feelings of helplessness, confusion, and a loss of identity. One powerful way that cult…

[galoogamelady]

What’s Fallout like? Like I know I can google what kind of game it is but more than that what games would you compare it to? and is it more story-based or gameplay-based?

That's a difficult one to answer and I'm not sure I have the authority to do it lol

But I'll try!

The Fallout fandom is fairly complicated due to the IP being passed around and the lore/values of its storytelling being muddied over the years. That being said I think both old-school and new fans would still agree that the story is the most important element, as they're meant to be role playing games where you make decisions on often heavy matters (especially in the games of the original devs).

Fallout 1 and 2 are turn-based isometric rpg-s from the late 90s. If you like that type of gameplay, they're fantastic games and cult classics. They don't shy away from heavy themes.

Then the IP got sold to Bethesda and their version of Fallout is a FPS/TPS action experience, as seen in Fallout 3 and 4. The combat is fun but even the newest game is shit by shooter standards. If you played an Elder Scrolls game (like Skyrim), they're like that but set in a retro futuristic post apocalypse. A large slice of the fandom has only played these ones and skipped the original turn-based games.

Fallout New Vegas was made by the original team but using Bethesda's engine. Many fans would tell you that out of the modern titles, that's the one with the best writing.

Fallout 4 was a very popular title due to the scrap and build system. As you adventure, you can scavenge all sorts of trash and then build your own little settlements in the wasteland and populate them with settlers. Add mods to that, and the community really did some magic. It made people connect with the world of Fallout on a personal level.

The story in a nutshell: in an alternate timeline, survivors of a devastating nuclear war are trying to rebuild and make the irradiated wasteland of the United States liveable again but every group and faction has a different take on how society should be rebuilt. When the writing is done well, your choices have weight and it's impossible to be fair and please everyone. You get to discover a variety of different factors that lead to the Great War and you have to wager whether humanity is doomed to make the same mistakes all over again. Is there a way to avoid them? What kind of sacrifices does that require? Etc.

A lot of it is supposed to be a critical look at war, 50s Americana and the dangers of nationalism, rampant consumerism, xenophobia, etc.

Hope this helped a little! It's difficult to find two Fallout fans who are on the exact same opinion of all the games. I personally think, the fun part of the games is when you get to carve a little slice out of the wasteland for yourself and your community and the stimulating part is the overarching story and lore.

It's no wonder the original writers made The Outer Worlds too, which I don't consider a legendary game but the similarities are obvious in the themes.

[phlurrii]

It’s finally time to introduce the secondary project I’ve been working on >;Dc

I’ve had this queued for sometime in June, did not check when, so hello on [random date in june] ;D

I’m also here to explain how I’ll be posting this stuff going forward! Everything will be posted here, on my main account before being reblogged over to Soul’s Anchor a side bog with the place holder title. Unless it deals with more adult/suggestive content or heavier topics, of which will be exclusively posted to Soul’s Anchor side blog. As I don’t want certain themes alongside AM! I’ll also be referring to this series as Anchor for short! I will encourage any and all Questions, Mentions, and Thoughts to be directed there for those interested and those who are not, dw! You’ll only see the initial posts here, no asks or follows up, but this is still my art account and I shall enjoy it as I please ;3

Brief Synopsis about the Story:

A queer love story following a cursed pirate and a cult refugee implanted with a god’s eye as they combat the reality of living in a world which was created solely to feed the gods that govern it. All whilst a sapphic couple attempt to help guide the pair along a path to to a better future, one that’s validity comes into question. A dark fantasy story that aims to represent the disabled community, the LGBTQIA+, and SA survivors written by fellow members of these communities.

Also brief disclaimer, I, Phlurrii, am simply an ally to the disabled community, my partner in crime writing alongside me, ArtJunco on Instagram, is our resident community member ;]

Anyways onto the meat of this!

Below is a collection of some, emphasis on some, of the concept art and processes I went through to develop and create one of the two main characters, Lumae.

Here are some of the earliest ideas, the basic thoughts I had in my brain when developing this goober after a 3 hours pacing in my kitchen at 1 am when that inspiration struck. His hair was the HARDEST bit for me to figure out. Which sucked as usually the hair is one of the first things I figure out because of how much I love it, so it was Agony while brainstorming that part.

I also briefly considered a goatee, however it was so cruelly shot down by my dear friend. So in stead we compromised that he may get one later down the line story wise… and see how we feel then. However, upon finally figuring out his hair I was bloody elated, still has some tweaks now and then, but the base is there.

As for this next concept, this was actually the FIRST thing created for Lumae and what started everything else about his character/design! His eyes! They are still my favourite but about him and something I adore whole heartedly! They are the core of his character ;3c

These next few are early refs and mock ups of his full design, testing our colours, experimenting with shading, getting used to drawing humans again, and general concepts I had for him as a character! Also a sneak peak at Ayric, our second main goober for this story! Who was lovingly designed and created by ArtJunco!

And finally his most recent WIP ref! The only thing currently bothering me about his design is the colour for his boot covers, I have no idea what to do with them so I’d you have suggestion or ideas, sincerely, feel free to shoot an ask to the Anchor blog! I’d genuinely love outside opinions!

As for the main curiosity of why I’m doing this, for those that missed the last post, I’ll give a brief explanation below ;3

To help with burnout so I can hop between fixations, help to avoid losing interest in AM in the future!

Keep up practicing humans and critters alike.

To take a break from story telling to do story building! Give the telling part of my brain a break, while still making cool stuff ;]

To have a more interactive blog with ya’ll! One where I’ll likely be asking advice and discussing a lot more hypotheticals, doodling asks, and general audience interaction given I am not bound by any updates! Purely just “ooo… shiny-“ and anyone is welcome to join me ;D

Last thing I request is to please read Anchor’s blog bio/description before you follow, as this story will deal with subjects not suited for all audiences posted/discussed exclusively on that blog.

Anywho, that’s all for now folks, hope you enjoyed this brief intermission to kickoff the second project being public!

[textsfromthetva]

I can’t believe I missed this gem. Not being on twitter can cut you off from some good stuff on occasion. Like Rafael Casal continuing to be the #1 Brad apologist out there. We have so much in common 😌 I also enjoy how he never ever disagrees with the “Brad was totally horny in the interrogation scene” takes, that’s so much fun.

Seriously, that whole tweet sounds like something I’d shout at you guys daily if I didn’t have any self control 😅

I’m kind of dying to know what Brad going to therapy pre-Breaking Brad-recapture would even look like. Like, did he go to a therapist in the 70s, or do some light time travel to get a more modern perspective on it? How do you find a therapist that can help you with something like this? I mean obviously he lied about a ton of stuff, or he would have ended up on a mental hospital, but still. Maybe a therapist specialised in helping cult survivors? That would actually make perfect sense. I should write about that at some point.

Anyway, we stan. #FreeBrad

[literaryvein-reblogs]

can i request any words/ phrases/ themes linking to the word ‘relic’?

Writing Notes: Relic

Relic - an object esteemed and venerated because of association with a saint or martyr; souvenir, memento

Relics - remains, corpse; a survivor or remnant left after decay, disintegration, or disappearance; a trace of some past or outmoded practice, custom, or belief

Reliquaries - the containers that store and display relics

Where the bones of martyrs are buried, devils flee as from fire and unbearable torture. —St John Chrysostom

Etymology

Middle English relik, from Anglo-French relike, from Medieval Latin reliquia, from Late Latin reliquiae, plural, "remains of a martyr", from Latin, "remains", from relinquere "to leave behind"

Related Words

Afterimage - a lasting memory or mental image of something

Artifact - an object remaining from a particular period

Corpus - the body of a human or animal especially when dead

Decedent - a person who is no longer living; a deceased person

Memento - souvenir

Oddment - something left over; remnant

Oeuvre - a substantial body of work constituting the lifework of a writer, an artist, or a composer

Remnant - a usually small part, member, or trace remaining

Souvenir - something kept as a reminder (as of a place one has visited)

Vestige - a trace, mark, or visible sign left by something (such as an ancient city or a condition or practice) vanished or lost

Martin Luther complained about the profusion of relics and the absurd claims being made for them: "What lies there are about relics! One claims to have a feather from the wing of the angel Gabriel, and the bishop of Mainz has a flame from Moses’ burning bush. And how does it happen that eighteen apostles are buried in Germany when Christ had only twelve?"

Examples

ANCIENT GREEK RELICS. At Athens the supposed remains of Oedipus and Theseus enjoyed an honor that is very difficult to distinguish from a religious cult.

BUDDHIST RELICS. Relics of the Buddha and various saints were (and still are) venerated. Following the Buddha's death, his bones and teeth were divided for the purpose of being used as relics in order to illustrate his teaching of impermanence (anitya). These relics were so valued that they caused armed conflict between factions for possession of them. Afterward, these relics were taken throughout Asia with the gradual spread of Buddhism.

CHRISTIAN RELICS. Since the dawn of Christianity, relics have been an important part of Christian devotionalism. During the Middle Ages, the selling of relics became a lucrative business. The concept of physical proximity to the “holy” was considered extremely important. A pilgrim's possession and veneration of a relic was seen as a means to become closer to God. Instead of having to travel hundreds of miles to become near to a venerated saint, a Christian could enjoy closeness with him/her through their relic at home.

MUSLIM RELICS. Although certain sects of Islam strongly discourage (or outwardly prohibit) the veneration of relics, a very large collection of Muslim relics is preserved in the Sacred Trusts, located in Istanbul, which contains more than 600 treasured pieces in the Topkapi Palace Museum.

The Roman Catholic Church makes a distinction between veneration and worship of relics and icons.

3 Categories of Relics According to the Vatican

First-Class Relics: Items directly associated with the events of Christ's life (manger, cross, etc.), or the physical remains of a saint (a bone, a hair, a limb, etc.).

Second-Class Relics: An item that the saint wore (e.g., sock, shirt, glove). Also included are items that the saint owned or frequently used (e.g., a crucifix, book). An item more important in the saint's life is considered a more important relic.

Third-Class Relics: Anything that has touched a first- or second-class relic of a saint.

Sources: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 ⚜ Writing Notes & References

Hope this helps! Do tag me or send me a link to your writing if it does. I'd love to read your work.

[helpmeimblorboing]

Imagine a world where, after Tim lost his brother, he went to the Cult of the Lightless Flame for help

Imagine Desolation Avatar Tim, with fire that springs to his fingertips on command, and a disconcertingly amiable personality, kind and charming and so, so similar to our Tim, right up until he sets your house on fire with your children inside

Imagine an Eye avatar Jon who got his powers organically, without meddling from Elias.

Imagine a man conflicted and torn about his actions, orchestrating events where technically, he never directly hurt anyone - think feeding on social anxiety, exposing people’s secrets and feeding on their despair.

After all, if they didn’t want to be his dinner, they shouldn’t have kept secrets, right ? He’s not a bad guy. He’s just…doing all he can

Now imagine a Tim who feeds off of Desolation by following closely behind Jon’s actions.

Oh, Jon revealed that so-and-so was cheating on his wife ? Well, that sounds like a mighty painful experience for the wife. Seems a shame to let all that good fear go to waste, right ? Might as well feed !!

Now imagine Web Avatar Annabelle Cane , watching from the shadows as all this happens.

Eventually, she reaches out and makes contact with Tim, and makes a deal - call a local fast-food place, and Cane will trick them into believing Jon’s a police officer. Then Jon can make the employees humiliate one of their own, as Tim feeds on the target's pain and Annabelle feeds on the control she's exerting, both over the employees, via social conditioning, and her fellow Avatars

Perfect deal. Why would Jon go along with it, you ask ? Why would Tim ? Well, if Annabelle conveniently made them forget the meaning of the terms “strip search”, then they have no reason to turn her down, right ?

Seeing how well this turned out, the three decide to make their dynamic a daily thing, each one orchestrating events that let all three feed. True symbiosis

Maybe they get Spiral Avatar Michael in on their shenanigans too, sometimes - he makes someone hallucinate their way into believing all their secrets have been exposed, killing themselves in front of a loved one, and feeds on their madness as Tim feeds on their loved one’s pain and Jon on their humiliation

Maybe they find that even more useful and now he’s part of the team too !! Woo gang !! Friends forever !!

Maybe they try to get Flesh Avatar Jared Hopworth in as well, only to realize he’s already made a deal with Hunt Avatar Daisy Tonner - she hunts and kills one out of a pair of travellers, and Jared convinces the survivor to feed on the corpse

Maybe they decide - hey, fuck it - and form an alliance with Slaughter Avatar Melanie King. She kills, and the others feed on the chaos that ensues. Maybe Jared and Daisy get in on it too sometimes - one big happy Avatar family, each one feeding everyone with their actions

And maybe one day Jon has an epiphany - maybe he accidentally hurts someone he cares about or sees the consequences of his actions. Maybe he decides he doesn’t want to be an Avatar anymore

Maybe he runs away from the group. Maybe he goes to the Magnus Institute, using his position as a fellow Eye Avatar to get Elias to help him out

Maybe Elias agrees and sets him up in a small house by the countryside. But wait - unfortunately, he’s going to have to share the space. You see, the Institute recently helped a prized pupil of Peter Lukas escape his grasp

Oh, who ? Why, Lonely Avatar Martin Blackwood of course !!

Sorry, just having thoughts about my Avatar Crew AU. Do y’all want me to write it ? I might

[fishy0bishy]

Merrit time!! And some questions to answer to clear any confusions

(space Au belongs to @onyxonline go check them out!!)

”why did she join?”: Joined in hope her knowledge in botany could help survivors and discover more while having a little fun

“how old is she?”: she is 22 and first joined as a trainee when she was 17

“Who is Patrice?”: Patrice is elderly Opossum and family friend to Merrit’s family and played a big part in Merrits Childhood

”What is her species?”: Shes a Ferret and her planet is Mostly tiny rodents(?) like Opossums,Ferrets,Rats,Raccoons, and rabbits.

“What is Merrit’s Home Planet?” It’s called “Aquarius-0128” and It’s a lush green planet that was colonized by the other rodents but Ferrets are native to Aquarius-0128

”does she stay on the ship or goes out?: A little of both sometimes staying on the ship to develop more of the “living soil” but she’s mostly Outdoors dealing with the cult

“What all does her leaf ability do?”: It has multiple uses like being a Hoverboard to fly more better, She could also use it as a shield for defense or ram into others. And her favorite use for her leaf is to use Projectiles that rain down on enemies

”can she drive?”: Yes she’s one of the best and can slip through the tiniest on cracks even if it seemed impossible

“what is Merrit’s relationship with the other riders?”: She’s friends with everyone on the ship and even sees Crafty and Bubba as parental figures. her absolute best friends are Hoppy and Kickin (she has a thing for kickin but doesn’t know how to deal with it)

bonus facts: Merrit is very flexible. Merrit one of the faster ones on the ship. Merrit has kind of bad memory so she carries a journal to write down important information she might forget

that’s all I have for now but yeah here’s a doodle I made while this was sitting in the drafts

[mystique-6]

Kinktober (It's really Whumptober) Day 7: Spanking

 Summary: Ailis' unresolved trauma is triggered and she takes her feelings of guilt and remorse out on her companions. Astarion makes her pay a price for it.

Hello! My hyperfixation on Astarion has got me in the writing mood so I will be participating in Kinktober using @flightlessangelwings Kinktober list. The pieces may be part of a bigger fic(s). I have started the fic. If you like this please consider checking out my main fic, This is Me Trying. (Can you tell I like Taylor Swift?) Either way, I hope you enjoy. I do plan on completing the 31 prompts though it will take me past October. I also have the fic posted on AO3.

Warning: Anyone under 18 do not interact. Please pay attention to the tag warnings below.

Tag Warnings: Spanking, Light BDSM, Safe, Sane and Consensual, Un-Resoled Trauma, Guilt, Survivor's Guilt, Nudity, Snuggling & Cuddling, Aftercare, Whump, No Sex, NSFW

Additional Note: This fic involves Spawn Astarion. I have stated that some of these prompts will be used in my main BG3 fic, This is Me Trying. This one definitely will be. This is actually a very important chapter for my OC and I saw an opportunity to have a practice run of the chapter. I'm glad I did it because I know now for sure that a flashback chapter will be needed. This ended up being too much exposition. Still, I hope there will be some people who enjoy this fic. If you are reading This is Me Trying and don't want spoilers though, you may want to skip this one.

Disclaimer: I do not own anything from BG3.

        

  Ailis felt her headache growing as her group argued over how to rescue the tieflings…again.  Two days ago, they’d entered the Shadow-Cursed lands.  Earlier this day they’d met a group of Harpers and had helped them in a battle against a batch of shadow monsters.  This had gotten them an invite to the Last Light Inn, the final sanctuary left in these lands.

            Once there, they’d been revealed as true souls.  The leader of this faction of Harpers, Jaheira, had made to attack her group, but thankfully the tiefling child, Mol, had convinced the woman to give them a chance.  It was clear now, though, that Jaheira just saw her group as a tactical maneuver.  She wanted them to use their status as true souls to infiltrate Moonrise Towers and find a way to kill Kethric Thorm; the person who had taken over these lands.

            She didn’t necessarily oppose to looking into Kethric Thorm.  He seemed to be involved with the Absolute Cult and they were in desperate need of answers about their tadpoles.  Looking into Thorm and getting information on the Absolute and their tadpoles aligned with each other.  However, Jaheira also wanted them to go on a rescue mission.

            While her team had scouted around the inn on their arrival, they found some of the tieflings they’d helped at the grove.  About half of the group was missing.  It turned out that the road they had intended to follow to Baldur’s Gate had been destroyed.  They had opted to travel above land through all the Shadow-Curse instead of cutting out most of it by going through the Underdark.  The group had been attacked by Absolute cultists.  Many had been killed or captured, but the rest had found their way here.

            Ailis was sympathetic to their plight.  She could feel the hopelessness, grief, and guilt from those who remained.  She couldn’t stop Rolan’s angry words towards her earlier in the day from playing on repeat in her head.  But they had their own problems.  They needed to start putting their whole attention on getting rid of these tadpoles.

            “This arguing is ridiculous!”  Wyll’s shout caught her attention.  He made eye contact with her.  “Chief, tell this lot we need to save the tieflings first.  Thorm can wait.”

            “If we go in and bust their prisoners out, we’ll make the cultists hostile towards us and we won’t be able to get the information we need,” Shadowheart protested.  “The tieflings have to wait.”

            “There are ways around that,” Gale said.  “We could use confusion spells or disguise spells.  Or we could make it look like the prisoners broke out themselves.”

            “That seems like a lot of effort when we can just rescue them after we take care of Thorm,” Shadowheart said.

            “I agree with Shadowheart,” Lae’zel said.  “Though it pains me to say it.”

            “This is getting ridiculous,” Wyll sighed.  “Ailis, come on.  Set this lot straight.”  She felt a surge of anger course through her.  She always had to be the one to solve all their problems or play mediator.  It was growing tiresome.  It was draining her.  It was too big of a job with this crew.  She could feel her skin crawl with anxiety over the overwhelming job of managing all their egos.  Her nerves prickled at their expectant stares.

            “Ailis…” 

            “We don’t have time to be wasting on the tieflings again,” she snapped as her emotions boiled over.  A part of her was horrified at what had just spewed from her mouth and her gut roiled with guilt from the shocked and dismayed looks on Karlach’s and Wyll’s faces. 

            “I’m surprised to hear you say that,” Gale said in a saddened tone.

            “As am I,” Lae’zel agreed.  “I didn’t think you had it in you to ignore people in need.”

            “Oh please,” she said.  “I’m hardly a hero.”

            “You are to these tieflings,” Karlach stated.

            She ignored a fresh stab of guilt and shook her head.  “We need to focus on these tadpoles,” she said.  “We don’t have time to spend on a group of people who are clearly doomed.”

            “Wow,” Shadowheart said.  “I would expect that level of callousness from Astarion, but not you.”

            “Well, that’s rather rude,” Astarion whined.  “I probably would have kept that thought to myself.  Probably.”

            Ailis sighed.  “Look, what happened to the tieflings is tragic, but we need to focus on our own problem,” she said.

            “Then it’s settled.  We’ll investigate Thorm, and then we can free the tieflings,” Shadowheart said sounding pleased.

            “Well, that depends on what we find out about these tadpoles while looking into Thorm,” Ailis replied.  “Don’t forget these parasites are time sensitive.  At some point we will transform into mindflayers.  If we discover that’s going to be sooner rather than later, we won’t have time for the tieflings.”

            “You’re seriously saying you don’t want to help the tieflings at all?!” Karlach cried angrily.

            “I’m saying, that our tadpole problem is more important right now,” she said.

            “I suppose if we take out Thorm, that would make it possible for the Harpers to help the tieflings,” Gale cut in.  The wizard was always trying to find the middle ground.  He wanted so desperately to be liked.  She usually found this endearing, but right now it only fueled her anger.

            “I suppose that’s an option if we need to take out Thorm at all,” she muttered.  More incredulous looks greeted her.

            “If we need to take out Thorm?” Wyll repeated, astonished.  “Ailis, have you not paid attention to these realms?  Look what the man has done!”

            “What he’s done doesn’t concern us,” she argued.  “Our focus is getting rid of these tadpoles and if we can do that without spending time killing Thorm, then that’s what we’ll do.  End of discussion.”

            “I think there’s a lot more to discuss,” Karlach snapped.  The floor around her began growing scorch marks.

            “Easy now,” Wyll soothed.  “There’s no need to get worked up.  This is just a disagreement.”

            “One that we’ll all work out,” Shadowheart added.  Ailis snorted and the cleric glared at her.  “And what did that mean?”

            “Oh, I just thought what you said was amusing,” Ailis replied.  “‘We’ll work it out’ Ha!”

            “What are you getting at, Ailis?” Shadowheart snapped.

            “I just think it’s cute that you think you all will figure it out,” she replied.  “What you really mean is I will figure it out because I am always the one to figure out what we’re doing.  I am always the one who manages everyone’s opinions to come up with a solution.  I am the one who manages everyone’s ginormous egos!”

            “Now, that’s not really being fair,” Gale tried to intervene.

            “Fair?” she shrieked.  “No!  What’s not fair is dumping all your trauma on me and expecting me to deal with it for you.”

            “Darling, I think you…”

            “Don’t ‘darling’ me,” she snapped at Astarion.  “I have to do everything for everyone!  And no one ever helps me.  No one ever checks in on me to see how I’m doing.  So the only one whose opinion matters here is mine.  We need to learn about these tadpoles.  If that leads us to needing to take out Thorm fine, but if not, our next step is whatever gets rid of these parasites.”

            “You’re out of line, Ailis,” Shadowheart growled.

            “Now, hold on,” Wyll intervened.  “Ailis did make some fair points.  We could put more effort into controlling our emotions and…egos.  However, Ailis, you are the leader of this group and it’s your job to…”

            “Yes, I am the leader and I’m doing my job,” she cut him off.  “I’ve told you what we’re going to do.  That’s the end of the discussion.”

            “So, we just have to do what you say now?  Our opinions don’t matter?” Shadowheart scoffed.

            “That’s exactly, right,” Ailis replied coolly.

            “And if we’re not willing to go along with that?” Shadowheart asked through gritted teeth.

            “Then you can leave,” Ailis said.  She knew she was going too far, but she couldn’t stop herself.  She couldn’t bring herself to back down.  The frustration of the last few weeks was bubbling over.  Still, her guilt increased at the look of hurt on her companions’ faces.

            “You’d really kick out any who disagreed with you?” Lae’zel asked in a tone of surprise.

            “Don’t tell me you suddenly disagree with that philosophy,” Ailis replied.  “You’d have had me kick out most of this group a few weeks ago.”

            “I…”

            “You know what?  I’m done with this,” Ailis cried.  “Whoever decides to join me, meet back here in the morning.”  She turned and stormed out of the building.  She stalked angrily down to camp and began pacing the rocky shores of the lake nearby.  As she paced, she could feel her anger and anxiety turn inwards.  She shouldn’t have yelled at them.  They didn’t deserve that.  She just couldn’t stop thinking of Rolan’s words from earlier that day.  He was right.

            “You’re going to burn a hole in the ground if you keep pacing like that,” Astarion’s snide voice called out.

            Ailis glanced up at him and scowled.  “Go away, Astarion,” she said.  “I don’t want to talk right now.”

            “Yes, I gathered that,” he replied sitting down on a large boulder.  “Still, someone needed to check on you.”

            “And they decided to send you?” she asked.

            “I sent myself,” he replied sounding a little annoyed.  A stern look crossed his face when he noticed her look of disbelief.  “I’m not completely callous to your well-being, Ailis.  I care that something is clearly upsetting you.  Why don’t you tell me what it is?”

            “You don’t want to know,” Ailis replied bitterly.

            “Ah, but I do,” he said.  “It must be something big to make you go off like that.  Now go on and tell me.  It will make you feel better.”  She began to pace again.

            “You just want me to go back to being complacent,” she grumbled.  “You don’t care.  You just don’t like it when I’m a bitch, but it’s not my…”  She cut off when he stepped in front of her to stop her pacing, and gripped onto her shoulders.

            “You’re not a bitch, Ailis.  You’re just upset.  And yes, I do care,” he said.  “If you talk to me about whatever has you so upset, maybe you’ll feel better.”

            “I…I can’t,” she replied.

            “Yes, you can, darling,” he said.  “Just tell me what has you upset.  It was what Rolan said, wasn’t it?  You’ve looked agitated since that conversation.”

            “I can’t tell you.  You’ll leave if I tell you.  You all will,” she cried, tearing herself out of his grip.  She began pacing anxiously again.  This time, he didn’t try to stop her.

            “No one’s leaving, darling,” he said.

            “You would if you knew,” she said.  “You’d have never agreed to travel with me if you knew.”

            “Well, now I think I have to know,” he said, trying to teaser her to a lighter mood.

            “I’m serious, Astarion,” she replied, though she did stop pacing.

            Astarion nodded.  “I’m sorry, darling,” he said.  “Still, I think you better tell me.  I think it will help.”  She sighed and closed her eyes.  She opened them when she felt his arm wrap around her waist, and he led her over to the boulder he’d sat on before.  “Here.  Sit down here and we’ll talk.”  She gathered herself for a moment and stared out at the still water of the lake.

            “This isn’t my first time leading a group of people,” she said slowly.

            “I gathered that,” Astarion replied.  “You lead troops in the Espax War, didn’t you?”

            “Yes, and I have plenty of guilt over that, but that’s not what’s bothering me now,” she said, and then glanced up at him.  “How much do you know about the Espax War?”

            Astarion shook his head.  “Nothing,” he replied.  “I’d get bits of news when hunting targets, but that’s it.  Espax is a long way from Baldur’s Gate.”

            Ailis nodded.  “The war started as a rebellion against Espax’s government,” she began to explain.  “By all accounts, Espax had an incredibly corrupt government.  There were two factions running the rebellion.  Both wanted to take out the existing government, but their ideas for the future government differed.”

            “A recipe for disaster,” Astarion commented.

            “Exactly,” she said.  “The factions managed to overthrow the original government, but they couldn’t agree with each other enough to build a new one.  They began fighting and it turned into a full out war.  Both sides began recruiting soldiers, originally from their own people.  However, one faction was more popular than the other amongst Espax’s citizens and most went to fight for them.”

            “So, the faction you fought under had to resort to other methods of recruitment,” Astarion said.

            “By the time I was press-ganged into service most of the people fighting were doing so unwillingly,” Ailis replied.  “Even those who had originally joined freely had turned against this faction by that point.  They committed horrendous atrocities.  Many even said they’d rather have the old government back than continue to support this one.”

            “And you led people in attempts to escape?” he asked.  “Or overthrow?”

            “Escape,” she answered.  “When I first got there, I tried to escape on my own.  When that didn’t work, I started recruiting others who wanted to leave.  There were a few of these attempts.  They all ended with many of my group dead or tortured as punishment.”  Her hand came up to her face to worry at the deep scar running down her cheek to her jaw.  She had a smaller one below her right eye.

            Astarion gently moved her hand away from the scar and rested their intwined hands on his lap.  “Is that how you got those scars?” he asked.  “Trying to escape?”

            “Helping someone else to escape,” she said and then smiled bitterly at his incredulous expression.  “I had given up trying to escape by the time I got these scars.”

            “But you were still helping others to escape?” he questioned.

            “Not at first.  For a while I just gave up and did what they wanted me to,” she said.  “I’d accepted it as a just punishment for my previous crimes.  I proved to be a good soldier.  After a while they trusted me with training new recruits and then leading small groups in battle.  Eventually, I began to form friendships with others there.  The two relevant to this story were Nash and Marissa and her three kids…”

            “Kids?” Astarion said.  He looked surprised.

            She nodded.  “They recruited anyone they could,” she said.  “They’d take criminals being transported to the gallows like I was to travelers just passing through.  Many of the travelers had children.”

            “Is that what happened to your friend?” he asked.

            “No,” she replied.  “Marissa was in the war almost from the beginning.  Her husband was part of the rebellion and was a supporter of this faction.  Marissa had no idea until after he was killed in one of the first skirmishes.  The faction blamed her husband for the loss of so many lives in that skirmish and so did a lot of the dead’s’ families.  The faction told her if she worked for them, they’d forgive her husband’s failure and keep her and her children safe.

            “There was no choice for her.  She agreed.  She mostly did secretarial work for them.  She wasn’t thrown into battle until the last few years when things were growing increasingly desperate,” she explained.

            “They started putting the kids into battle, didn’t they?” Astarion guessed.

            Ailis nodded.  “When I first arrived, all children stayed in camp,” she said.  “The older kids kept the barracks in order and watched their younger siblings.  But the war wasn’t going well and they couldn’t get enough soldiers.  In the penultimate year of the war, they decreed sons that were fourteen or older would be put into battles.  They would ‘try and keep them off the frontlines’ they said, but we all knew they’d end up there eventually.

            “Marissa was beside herself with worry.  Her oldest son was nine months off from fourteen,” she continued.  “We all saw the war would be ending soon, but not soon enough for her son.  On a night off, me and our other friend, Nash, took her out for drinks to let her vent her worries.  She kept repeating that she had to do something.  That she couldn’t let this happen to her son.”

            Ailis closed her eyes and sighed.  “I was the one who suggested escaping,” she said.  “Marissa was hesitant about it at first.  Punishment for runaways by this point in the war was almost always death, and if they didn’t kill you, they’d make you wish they had.”  She worried at her scar again.

            “You got her to agree to the attempt though, didn’t you?” Astarion said.

            “She came around to the idea,” Ailis said.  “She didn’t like it though.  It didn’t sit well with her.  She didn’t think it was fair that just she and her kids would get out.”

            “Why would she care about that?” Astarion asked perplexed.  “She should have just worried for herself…and her kids, I guess.”  Exasperation and amusement settled across her expression.  The vampire spawn’s lack of empathy tended to reveal itself in inopportune times.  There was no point admonishing him, though.  She’d accepted by this point there were some things Astarion would just never truly understand.

            “Marissa wanted to get more people out,” she continued.  “After some convincing she got me and Nash on board.  Well, she got me on board.  Nash only agreed to it because I was going to be involved.”

            “You and him were involved?” Astarion asked.  She could see he was trying to just sound curious, but she heard a jealous note in his tone.

            “We had an arrangement.  Like ours, really,” she admitted.  “There weren’t any deep feelings.  We both got what we wanted out of the other.  And Nash wasn’t exactly hard to look at.”

            Astarion snorted.  “So, did it work?” he asked.  “Whatever plan you concocted to free people.”

            “For a time,” Ailis said, “but after six or seven months they were cracking down.  Nash insisted we had to stop, at least for some time.  But Marissa’s son would be turning fourteen in just over a month and there was already talk of lowering the age to thirteen.  I insisted that we do one last escape to get Marissa and her kids out.

            “Nash didn’t like it but he agreed if it was just Marissa and her kids I led out.  The night started like every other escape night, but…it all went wrong,” she said, closing her eyes against the painful memory.

            “Nash betrayed you,” Astarion said.

            “No.  Not Nash,” Ailis said.  “The night guard he bribed to ignore anyone he saw escaping.  He might not have done so willingly.  I’ll never know.  They killed him.  Guns went off when we breached the camp.  We ran off into the woods, but they knew our routes.  Marissa and I tried to gather the kids together and come up with an alternate route, but a soldier shot off a gun near us and her little girl ran off frightened right into the open and they…they shot her.”

            “Ailis…”       

            “We went back with them after that,” she continued through her tears.  “They brought us to the General’s tent to interrogate us.  They wanted to know everyone who was involved in the operation.  We did our best to conceal who’d been involved, but in doing so, Marissa incriminated herself by admitting it had been her idea to help families escape.  I tried to intervene; to convince them it was all on me.  I had the history of escape attempts, not Marissa.  All my attempts got me was a knife to the face.  They then forced me to watch as they killed Marissa.  They killed my friend right in front of me and her remaining children.  That was my punishment.  They wouldn’t kill me.  I was too useful to them.”

            “What happened to her two sons?” Astarion asked.

            “Nash got them out,” she replied woodenly.  “He was high ranking in the army.  One of the lead officers had a niece who couldn’t have children.  They lived away from the fighting.  They weren’t involved at all.  They were willing to take them in.”

            “Nash couldn’t have done anything for you or Marissa when you were captured?” he asked.  She could tell he was judging her old friend.

            “No,” she replied, harshly.  “He made it very clear from the beginning when we were planning the operation he wouldn’t lose his position for something he thought was foolish.  He did what he could for us when we were captured and that’s it.  What happened to Marissa and her daughter wasn’t his fault.”

            “It wasn’t your fault either, Ailis,” Astarion said.  “None of what you’ve just told me was your fault.”

            “It was though,” she insisted.  “If I hadn’t planted the idea of escape in her mind, Marissa wouldn’t have thought to include other people in it.  I should have insisted that night that we would only get her and her kids out.  Or I should have caved and agreed with Nash.  He had high rank.  There were things he could have done to keep her son safe.

            “I got Marissa killed.  I got her daughter killed.  I got all the people from my original escape attempts killed,” she said.  “I can’t help the tieflings.  I’ll get them killed.  I’m going to get everyone killed!”

            “Ailis, darling, look at me.  Look at me!” he repeated when she turned her face away.  She reluctantly turned and met his gaze.  He looked very concerned.  “Ailis, what happened to your friend and the others was not your fault.”

            “It was.  I…”

            “Did you force them to try and escape?” he asked.

            “What?” she cried, confused.

            “Did you force them to try and escape?” he repeated.  “Did you threaten pain or death if they didn’t follow you?  Did you blackmail them into joining you?”

            “No!” she cried, appalled.  “Of course not!”

            “Were they aware of the risks they were taking when they agreed to join you?” he grilled.  “Did you tell them the potential consequences?”

            “Yes.  I drilled it into them what could happen if we failed,” she replied.  “Astarion, why…”

            “I’m asking you, darling, because I’m trying to understand why you think you’re at fault,” he said.  “Based on everything you’re telling me, you only gave everyone an option to join you.  You didn’t force them.  You let them know the risks so they made informed decisions.  I’m failing to see how you bare any responsibility for what happened.”

            “I led the attempts.  I was responsible for all their lives.  I am responsible for their deaths,” she said.  “You should leave.  You should let the others know what a failure I am and leave.  Nothing good will come of following me.”

            “I’m not leaving, Ailis,” Astarion said.  “And neither is anyone else.  If you told the others what you just told me they’d tell you the same thing I am.  What happened was not your fault.”

            “I was responsible for all of them.  That makes it…”           

            “That does not make it your fault,” he said firmly.  He gave her a soft expression and gently wiped tears from her face.  “The burden of the failures may be ours, but what happened to those people…that’s not your fault.”

            “You’ll feel differently when I get you and our companions killed,” she whispered.

            “You’re not going to get us killed, Ailis,” he said.  “We’re all getting out of this alive.  We’re not like your previous groups.  You have a group of skilled individuals with you.  You’re not alone in defending everyone.  You have us to reply on.  Everything is going to be fine.”

            “You don’t know that,” she said.

            “No, but I have a feeling,” he replied with a smile.  She said nothing in return.  She just sat there and stared out at the calm waters.  He began to massage her scalp, probably hoping to help her relax, but she couldn’t let her failures go. 

            “Sometimes I think it would have been better if that wagon had reached the gallows,” she said.  His hand stopped moving through her hair.

            “You really think it would have been better if you had died?” he asked.

            “A lot of people would still be alive right now,” she replied.

            “You don’t know that,” Astarion said.  “They could have died later in the war.  They most likely would have.”

            “They’re not the only lives I’m responsible for losing,” she said.  “Trust me, Astarion.  I deserved to be brought to the gallows.”

            “You don’t think four years forced into a war that wasn’t yours was punishment enough?” he questioned.  “You don’t think your guilt is punishment enough?”  She shook her head.  “Well, I do.”  He stood up and she felt her mood plummet even further.  She had wanted to be alone when she came down here, but now it was the last thing she wanted.  She couldn’t blame him for wanting to get away from her though.  She’d just encouraged him to do exactly that.

            He didn’t walk away, though.  Instead, he turned back towards her and held out a hand for her to take.  “I think I know a way to help ease your guilt,” he said giving her a smile.  “Do you trust me enough to give it a try?”

            When they’d first met a few weeks ago, she wouldn’t have agreed to anything he proposed.  At least not without a detailed breakdown of what he intended.  Now though, she took his hand and let him lead her through their camp.  She was relieved to find it was still empty.  She didn’t want to face her companions yet.

            Astarion led her through camp to the abandoned building they’d found.  There had been a squabble over it as most of the group had wanted to take up residence there as it had a bed.  It was decided that no one would set up permanent camp there.  They would use it for group meetings or personal time only.  She guessed the latter was what he had in mind now as she looked at the clean sheets that had been put on the bed.  She felt a spark of irritation.  She should have realized he thought sex would make her feel better.  It was the last thing she wanted right now.

            Still, she would go along with it.  It would be easier than trying to explain why his action was insensitive to her feelings and the argument that would ensue.  It wouldn’t be the first time she endured sex to please a man’s ego and it most likely wouldn’t be the last.  And Astarion was very skilled in bed.  Maybe it would prove a good distraction from her thoughts.  As they approached the bed he let go of her hand and then sat down on the edge of it with his feet shoulder length apart.  He looked at her with a serious expression.

            “Remove your pants and undergarment, Ailis.  They get over my lap,” he ordered.

            Ailis blinked and stared at him dumbly for a moment.  This wasn’t how they usually did this.  “I…what?” she said confused.

            “You wanted to be punished, didn’t you?” he questioned and her face flushed a hot red as she realized what he intended to do.  He smiled wickedly at the sight of her blush.  “I do love it when you blush.  It’s such a rare occasion.”

            “I…I’m not a child,” she protested, though that statement certainly made her feel like one.

            “Only children can be spanked?” Astarion replied with a widening grin.

            “I…I’ve never…”

            “You’ve never received a spanking before?” he questioned, surprised.  “Your mother never had you over her knee?”

            “My mother didn’t believe in hitting children,” she replied, defensively

            “Well, as you’ve just pointed out, you’re not a child,” he said. 

            “I…”  She didn’t finish her statement.  She didn’t know what her statement was.  She squirmed where she stood and stared at the floor, trying to come up with something to say.  Astarion’s feet suddenly came into view, and then she felt his cook fingers caress her chin as he lifted her face so she was looking at him.  He brushed a loose strand of hair behind her ears.

            “You’re rarely this flustered,” he murmured softly.  “What has you concerned?”

            “I don’t know what you’re expecting to get out of this,” she said.

            “He frowned, puzzled.  “Get out of this?” he repeated.

            She flushed.  “I know some people do this for fun,” she said.

            He nodded.  “Yes, and you may find you enjoy this, but that’s not the intended purpose of tonight,” he said.

            “Then what are you getting out of this?” she persisted.  “My pain?”

            His eyes widened.  “Your pain?” he said shocked.  “Ailis, how hard do you think I’m going to hit you?”

            “I don’t know!” she cried.  “I’ve never done anything like this, except for that Loviatar priest.  I don’t know how this works.  I know you enjoyed watching that priest strike me.”  She expected him to get mad, but he just stared at her thoughtfully for a moment.

            “Hold out your wrist, Ailis,” he ordered.  Confused, she did as he asked, holding her arm out in front of her with her palm up.  His own hand struck her wrist before she even saw it coming.  She hissed and drew her arm back, cradling her wrist to her chest.  She gazed at him with a shocked expression.  His own was perfectly neutral.  “Did that hurt?”

            “Yes,” she replied in a tone that made it clear she thought he was crazy for asking.

            “Is the pain unbearable?” he asked in the same neutral tone.

            “No,” she answered, eyebrows furrowed.

            “That’s as hard as I intend to spank you, give or take a little,” Astarion said.  “I’m not going to beat you black and blue.  You’ll be able to sit down tomorrow.”

            “But when the priest…”

            “I didn’t know you very well when you let the priest beat you.  I hadn’t fully decided I trusted you.  I thought you must have been into that sort of thing and responded accordingly.  I was surprised you never asked me to do anything similar when we began having sex.

            “You’re not wrong that I get off on others pain.  I’m not going to lie about that,” he said.  “But the purpose tonight isn’t the pain.  You carry a lot of guilt over your past.  I just want to try to help you release some of it.  As for what I get out of it, well, control.  We don’t have to do this, though, Ailis.  I’m not going to do anything to you that you don’t want.”  She believed him.  Even before she really began to tryst him, she’d trusted him to stop if she asked.  He was always attentive of any boundaries set during sex.

            “Okay,” she finally agreed.  “What do I say if I need you to stop, though?”

            “Just say stop,” he told her moving back to his previous position on the bed.  She didn’t follow yet.

            “Don’t people use specific words for this sort of thing, though” she questioned, “because they might say stop on instinct?”

            “Yes.  A safe word is usually put in place for that reason.  However, due to our personal histories if you say stop, I’m going to take that at face value,” he said.  “So don’t tell me to stop, Ailis, unless you really want or need me to, okay?”

            She nodded.  “Okay,” she agreed.

            “All right then.  Remove your pants and undergarment and come here,” he ordered pointing to a spot right next to him rather than demanding she get over his lap right away like he had originally.  She moved slowly as she completed his orders.  A nervous anticipation had her heart racing, and she couldn’t help trembling a little.  Astarion noticed and took her hand in his, gently massaging her knuckles with his thumb.

            “Are you all right, darling?” he asked, giving her a soft look.  “We can stop.”

            “No, I’m all right,” she said.

            He nodded and his expression turned stern.  “Do you understand why you’re being punished?” he asked.

            “For failing to save…”

            “No,” Astarion said and she gave him a puzzled look.

            “You said this was to try to relieve my guilt,” she said.

            “It is, but I’m not going to punish you for something that wasn’t your fault or something you already received punishment for,” he said.  “Pick something else.  Something more recent.”

            “I shouldn’t have yelled at our companions,” she said after a moment.  “I was being unfair.”

            “You certainly were,” he said.  “You shouldn’t have taken your problems out on them.”

            “I know.  I’m sorry,” she whispered.

            “I know you are.  Still, you need to receive punishment for your actions,” he said.  “How many times should I spank you?  How many have you earned?”

            “I…I don’t…” she looked at him helplessly.  She had no basis for this.  She felt completely lost in the moment.  Luckily, he seemed to understand.  He gently squeezed her hand in reassurance.

            “How about I give you two options, and you choose what works best for you?” he suggested and she nodded her agreement.  “Option one: I give you ten harder strikes.  Option two: I give you twenty with fifteen being the same strength I slapped your wrist earlier, and the last five a bit harder.  Either way, you’re going to be able to sit tomorrow, Ailis.”

            Ailis thought about it for a moment.  Ten sounded more appealing than twenty.  She wouldn’t have to be in an embarrassing position for as long.  However, the slap he’d given to her wrist earlier had stung and the skin was still a little pink.  The skin on her ass would be even more sensitive.  She’d never done this and she wasn’t sure she was comfortable having him hit her any harder.  Getting through five hard strikes seemed better than ten and if she couldn’t handle it and had to tell him to stop, she’d have already taken at least sixteen.  She’d be able to say she gave it a fair chance.

            “Twenty,” she said quietly.  He nodded and gave her hand a final squeeze before letting go.

            “All right then, darling,” he said.  “Get over my lap.”  She awkwardly positioned herself over his lap.  He helped her maneuver so his one leg helped support her upper torso even as her head hung down just below his knee.  She held onto his one knee with one hand and the sheets on the bed with the other.  Her ass was completely exposed to him, and she trembled with nerves.  She jumped when he placed a hand on the center of her back.

            “Try to relax, darling.  You’re safe,” he soothed, rubbing her back a little.  She took a few deep breaths and slowly felt her muscles relax.  “That’s it.  Are you ready for me to begin?”

            “Y-Yes,” she said.  “Do I count them out loud?”

            “Hmm, that is an appealing thought,” he said in a teasing tone before growing serious again, “but not tonight.  We can examine that possibility another night if you decide you like this or find it helpful.  I don’t want to push limits tonight.  Now, take one last deep breath for me before I begin.”  She did as he said, and the first stroke came as she let the breath out.

            She let out a startled squeak.  It hurt.  It felt worse than the strike to her wrist had.  Still, it was not unbearable.  She hadn’t quite processed it, when the second strike hit, and then she stopped thinking as he continued to land blow after blow.  By the time he struck her ten times she realized she’d made a mistake in choosing twenty strikes.  Her skin where he’d hit her felt like it was on fire and the pain was increasing with each strike even though the strike’s strength hadn’t changed yet.  When he reached the fifteenth strike her tears finally spilled over and down her cheeks.

            He stopped after the fifteenth strike for a moment, but any relief she might have felt vanished when he shifted his leg so the seat of her ass raised to a higher position.  She whimpered as she thought of where the last five, harder blows were going to land.  He hushed her and comfortingly stroked her back.

            “It’s just five more, darling, and then you’ll be done,” he assured her.  “Do you think you’re ready to apologize now?”

            “Y-Yes.  I’m sorry!  I’m sorry!” she cried.  “I didn’t mean to act like that.  I couldn’t stop myself.  I…I…I…”

            “Shhh.  Shh, darling,” he soothed.  “Breathe for me.”  She tried to do as he said and took big gulps of air in until her breathing found a rhythm again.  “Good girl.  I’m going to give you the last five strikes now.  I want you to try and release your guilt with them, all right?”

            She nodded and then the first blow hit and any thought of trying not to cry anymore escaped her.  She started sobbing and it took everything in her to not ask him to stop as the next blow hit.  She had felt worse pain before than this, but this just felt so intimate.  She wanted to bare it for him.  Right now, she would do anything for him, so at the last strike, she tried to release some of her guilt.

            Astarion helped move her into a sitting position on his lap.  He managed to adjust her so her ass was mostly between his thighs so nothing rubbed against her reddened skin.  She buried her face in his shoulder and sobbed ash she clutched to him like her life depended on it.  She stroked her back and hair and pressed a kiss on the top of her head.

            “Shh.  It’s all right now, darling.  All is forgiven.  You’re all right,” he soothed.  He repeated a variation of these words until her sobs turned to cries and then to whimpers until finally, she ran out of tears.  She rested, slumped against him, feeling more exhausted than she had in her whole life.  They sat like that for a few minutes and then she felt his hand slide between her legs and a cool finger split hear seam, running the length of it before brushing over her clit.  She let out a shaky gasp.

            “What do you think, darling?  Based on how wet you are, you seemed to enjoy that.  Should we move on to more enjoyable activities?” he asked.  She thought about it for a moment.  She was surprised to find she had evidence of arousal, but in the back of her mind she’d been aware of a stirring of heat between her legs that was different from the heat on her ass from the spanking.

            Still, she shook her head.  “No.  I’m sorry.  I don’t feel up to it,” she said, her resolve to endure it from earlier cracking.  She knew he wouldn’t make a big deal out of it.  “I’m sorry.  I know you were planning on having sex tonight, but…”

            “It’s all right, Ailis,” he cut her off.  “Don’t apologize.  We both have to want it, remember?”  She smiled and nodded.  He moved his hand back to a more acceptable spot on her thigh.  “So, what do you want, darling?  How are we spending our time tonight?”  She opened her mouth with an immediate response but then just as quickly clamped her mouth shut and looked down at her lap.  “What’s wrong, Ailis.”

            “Nothing,” she said.  “It’s just, what I want…you won’t like it.  I’m trying to think of something else.”

            “Ailis, darling, look at me,” he ordered and she raised her face to meet his eyes.  “You’re just tried something very new to you that had you completely out of your element tonight.  You’re going to get whatever you want.”  He grinned.  “Within reason of course.  So, tell me, what do you want.”

            “I just want to naked cuddle,” she said.  “And I want you to stay with me all night.”

            Astarion nodded.  “Very reasonable,” he said and kissed her forehead.  He slid her to sit on the mattress.  Her full weight was on her ass though and she felt the skin burn as it brushed against the sheets.  She jumped up from the bed and clutched her ass.  Astarion laughed and she gave him a hurt look. 

            “I’m sorry, darling,” he said as he stood up.  “The look on your face was just funny, that’s all.  Here.”  He helped slide her shirt and upper garment off.  “Stand there for a moment while I undress and then we’ll get you on the bed comfortably.”  He kissed her forehead again and she stood waiting as he quickly undressed.  When he was naked, he sat down on the bed and then moved until he was lying down on his back in the middle.  He held out his arms for her.  “Come here, darling.” 

            She climbed onto the bed and crawled over to him.  He pulled her down so she rested mostly on top of him.  Her head rested on his shoulder.  She hissed when he pulled the top sheet over them, but the sting only last for a minute.  He stroked her back and left gentle kisses to her forehead every few minutes.  Her eyelids grew heavy and she felt sleep trying to claim her.  She tried to fight it, but Astarion wasn’t having it.

            “Go to sleep, darling,” he ordered her gently.  “You need to rest.”

            “I want you to stay,” she murmured through a yawn.             “I’m not going anywhere, Ailis,” he promised.  “I’ll be here when you wake up.”  She smiled sleepily as he pressed another kiss to her forehead.  It was the last thing she felt before sleep finally claimed her. 

[lavendersartistry]

I didn't expect this one post about the fandom to hit this high and still get notifs about it.

I made this at the start of 2024 so may as well update my opinions before 2025.

This will NOT be under the main cotl tag, but a special tag (cult of the lamb critical) because it's good etiquette to tag your posts properly.

With that being said:

LAVENDER'S 2024 TED TALK OF COTL FANDOM.

(Check UTC)

OKAY. So I'm taking from my January post + other critical points and updating my initial thoughts of the fandom.

Death and the Archivist has been long gone and has been forgotten. Check my COTL Blog for the better AUs.

The fandom still tends to pull a blind eye and do "Narilamb AU #7899" but to me personally, it's not much of a personal problem. It still clogs the main tag (much like how DCA clogs the main FNAF tag).

The only thing that probably has stayed is the inappropriate jokes regarding the Sins of the Flesh update. Mainly the ones that force Narinder to the mating tent (we'll get to that section in a bit, same goes for the infantilization bit).

Again, Death and the Archivist doesn't exist anymore.

My point still stands. I much rather see content of AUs that focus on how people can interpret the game as it is (the Lamb claiming revenge for their kind because of a prophecy caused by Narinder's ambition to cheat death) rather than a AU that is Narilamb with no interesting aspect. This is why I like the Gang/Mafia AUs people do for Narilamb. They interpret that the dynamics are going to be a wild rollercoaster, Narilamb-focused or not.

Another point that still stands. I still never get how people look at the implied atrocities the bishops have done to not only the Lamb's species but to other creatures and think they are innocent then turn and put Narinder in situations such as abuse and torture. It is a really sour taste.

sighs in wtf was my early 2024 braincells were writing

It may be just me but I look heavily at the details the game offers (ex: Sozo's shroom addiction). These aspects of the game can work immensely for AUs but the fandom, at least a good portion of it, doesn't explore it because it can't fit in their Narilamb puzzle. It's a personal gripe.

The other points like woobifying characters, not making ocs interesting, and not placing more attention to other NPCs that no one gives more a fuck about are either personal gripes that I can't set a opinion on or can't comment.

Remember that the abuse/torture tags are here for a reason and this is the moment where I explain my big gripe with the fandom about this.

I very much hate this part of the fandom and I took a VERY LONG break when these "jokes" came out when Sins of the Flesh announced/released. These "jokes" were never funny to begin with. They're gross and those who make these "jokes" need serious help.

I am not a survivor but I have seen how insensitive people can be about survivors. I am ashamed to be in the same space as these insensitive people.

This is a big gripe with the fandom as a whole. I love Narilamb (certain interpretations) like the next person but they are becoming the next "DCA clogs the FNAF tag" issue. Narilamb isn't the only thing this game provides. Broaden your horizons.

There is possibly more around here in the critical tag that I haven't put in this post but just scroll through.

All in all, this fandom is fine. It just has its moments where people get really weird and you need to take a break from the fandom because of seeing disgusting shit like Bishop x Bishop or Narinder abuse/torture in the tags or in reblogs of people you follow.

That's my TED Talk. I am off to get some work done about my fellow OC x Canon lesbians.

[incandescent-creativity]

Week or two after finishing TMA and I have questions that will never be answered but nonetheless I will write them down.

This got very long but if you’ve listened to the podcast all the way through I think you’ll get it so

Mostly I’m thinking about like? How much do people remember? How much was the world twisted in tangible ways that stayed behind after the fears got vacuumed away?

One can imagine the worm-people stuck in the ground were finally able to crawl back up, and the suburbanites were finally able to exit the endless cul-de-sac, but? What about the people stuck in the wellness center? The prison? The kids trapped running in the dark? Hellen’s halls? The places that twisted physics in a way that they couldn’t remain as new landmarks on earth.

Could they? Has the environment changed so drastically that the human garden is still there? The perpetually burning houses no longer burning, but charcoal walls still there? Does London feature a new tower?

How does that change how people move through the world? Did they tear them down? Avoid them? Where do people go after if they’re real places now? Can you reclaim something like that? Would you want to? Would you have another choice?

What happened to the people in the cult that Georgie and Melanie started? What happened to that guy Jon saved from the ants, who became an avatar unwillingly?

For that matter, what happened to all the people who had given statements about things they’d seen before (the ones that didn’t die after giving it)? Did they figure out how their experiences fit into the wider scheme of things, or did such things pale in comparison to such a bad time in the apocalypse that they don’t even register anymore? If the former, did that make it easier to cope, or harder? Is this something they’d tell other survivors about, or not? It would probably depend on the individual, but still. What a choice to have to make.

An tiny bit about all this can be inferred by Melanie’s line at the end of MAG 200:

about “Oh you remember what happened when people found Simon Fairchild” (they like? Tore him apart ig?). She characterizes him as a “some powerless left-behind avatar.”

The confirmation that people did lose any inhuman abilities when the fears left is nice, but that makes logical sense. Suck the fears thru a portal, their connection to this dimension is severed, no more powers.

I get stuck on… People know who the avatars were. They know who was torturing them, which means they must remember what happened to them.

Do people know why? Do they know how? I mean nobody really knows how, but. How much do they understand what an avatar was? They had to have understood it at least a little bit, since they wreaked vengeance upon Fairchild. They had to have a reason for targeting him specifically.

How did the word spread? Not just practically (did they have phone lines post-fears?), but on a global perception level? Who told the public, our main cast? Was there any resistance to the idea, any fight about it, or was it just like “that was so undeniably fucked up that that’s the only explanation that makes sense.”

What did the scientific community think of this new model for the world? How did the study of physics and history change after this? How did philosophy and religion change? How does one person, let alone an entire society, recover from something like this? How do governments even proceed after this? Did they need to enact programs to help tear down the hellscapes left behind?

This interaction:

Implies that there is at least some mundane supplies left, such as from the marketplace hellscape that they used during scavenging runs. Or that people have been able to go back to work and start producing things like batteries and tinned tuna again.

(Speaking of tuna: what happened to the animals when the fears entered the world? We know their fear fueled at least some of the entities, and if I remember correctly the Admiral was acting as an avatar too. How did this work in the ocean. Did the tuna fish get tortured? Were people trapped in perpetual drowning hellscapes?)

(Double side note: grasping at straws but I love the casual inclusion of nightlights and using that word specifically. Not flashlights/torches, not lamps, but nightlights. The things kids use to fight their fears. Potentially, something everybody in the entire world uses now, and everybody understands why)

How does anybody have an interpersonal relationship anymore, when you have found out, without question, both your worst fears and how you act when confronted with them?

The entire show is predicated on “What happens after the world is ended? How do the characters move through this post-apocalypse world?” but good god I can’t stop thinking about the post- post-apocalypse.

[annabelle--cane]

you've listened to a lot of podcatsts right? do you have any recomendations? (ive already listened to tpp, tma, wtnv, w359 and malevolent)

sure thing, so a few of my faves you might like include

I am in eskew: the horror podcast that has genuinely scared me the most. protagonist david ward is trapped in fucked up nightmare city eskew and tries making audio logs about his experiences to help cope, while, unbeknownst to him, and investigator on the outside tries to track him down. if you're looking for something with kinda similar vibes to tma statements, this also has an incredibly sad british man monologuing about The Horrors. one season; two voices; completed.

the silt verses: horror drama/fantasy, made by the same people as eskew. takes place in a fantasy world where sacrifice-hungry gods are the main tool of social and political control, follows two acolytes of an outlawed river god as they try to make a pilgrimage without annoying each other to the point of murder. if you really liked the entities-as-cults aspect of tma, this may be for you. two seasons done, one more on the way; multi cast.

red valley: sci fi with some mystery and horror flavors. warren godby has a new job in accounts at some big company and is told to track down info relating to a seed vault in scotland that they want to shut down, but when he starts turning up stuff about human cryonic trials he begins to get the idea that it's not seeds they're keeping in that vault. very good character writing and short enough that you can inhale it in a few days. content warnings are on the official website as opposed to the episode descriptions and I'd highly recommend paying attention to them. two seasons done, one more on the way; multi cast.

mirrors: sci fi, horror, mystery. in three different cities in three different centuries, three women start seeing the same ghost. they've never even heard of each other, but you can't help but notice patterns and parallels as you listen to their individual audio logs. slightly weird connection, but if you liked the movie arrival then this could be for you. three seasons; complete; multi cast but each voice is fairly isolated.

the strange case of starship iris: sci fi, dystopia. biologist violet liu is the only survivor after the ship of the research mission she was on explodes, and after she's taken in my the crew of a passing vessel and starts investigating, it starts looking more and more like the explosion wasn't an accident. it's hard to explain in words, but this is one of the most grounded and tangible feeling pieces of dystopian fiction I've ever come across, it has a very good grasp of how people would actually react to living in a situation like this. if you were really into the found family space pirate vibes of s3 of the penumbra, this may be up your alley. two seasons, another on the way; multi cast.

[dykepvppy]

You keep asking for blurbs or something so.... here's some from like everything I can think of! (Also idk the survivors need in tcm but like am in love with them? And sissy.) But I'm obsessed with Yellowjackets and love Sam Carpenter!

1. SISSY - Ok what would happen if I tried to fight her? Joking! I need this woman to call me Suger. Like her lines in game 🛐 I'd run towards her (I wouldn't make it off the chain 💀) just her calling you Suger as you like run from her and stuff...

2. SAM, Ghostface Sam? - Her girlfriend has to help her with a "random" wound on her stomach, and just checking her out like "I know what you are." Your ghostface, and I'm ngl that's hot as hell come over here so we can debate who's next

3. NATALIE - I NEED to smoke with her on the roof of her shity trailer and watch the stars as we either sit in silence knowing damn well both of them are in love with the other

4. LOTTIE - idk if you write for her, but, Shrooms Lottie has my heart. Like yes girl go crazy and hunt this man! Yeah! Girl things! Now could you hunt me? Like that seemed scary as hell but I need to know if I could get away. (I couldn't) And then instead of cannibalism it's like a weird cult wedding/bonding.

If you see a pattern here no you don't 🏃

I enjoy your writing btw! Need more wlw writers (especially for sissy.)

This is random and rushed as I know how annoying boredom is 🏃💨

MARKS - SISSY SLAUGHTER

( and yes I do the girl survivors 😫 need Ana to top me idk but y’all think sissy a Lana stan idk )

Tw: blood, bitting,marks, dirty talk, fingering , possessiveness (?)

'please open'' you picked at the door with a lockpick, stuck in the basement of the slaughter family, wishing you didn't come here. fighting for your life with the damn door.. ''come on come on'' breathing heavily, upon trying to pick at the door you heard soft singing and humming.   ''my love your love our love'''. the feminine voice hummed.. ''fuck fuck'' you groaned as you kept picking at the door. as soon you got the door unlocked you felt a hand pull you back and it was sissy one of the family members.

''look what we have here sugar'' the blonde giggled

 as she crouched down to your level , her razor cutting you a little causing blood to drip out, groaning from the pain. sissy smiled getting close to you licked the blood off your neck sucking it.. you tried to hold back a moan. ''mm you taste so good'' the slaughter member spoke.. you froze in horror you couldnt move. she left marks on your neck..  her slender finger grabbed your chin and made you look at her .

''imma keep you sugar'' her fingers traveled down to your shorts she licked her lips she slowly got close to you again and bit your neck softly her hands roaming around your body, you tried not to moan.. ''mm sugar let it out'' her hand unbuttoning your shorts she quickly pulled them down and saw a wet damn in your underwear.. ''oh sugar are you this wet''  her blade slowly cut your underwear showing your throbbing clit. this caused sissy to tease you. her fingers was almost inside you.. 

''mm sugar your this wet'' she jokingly teased you, you moaned out and grabbed her other arm for support, ''please'' begging for the girl to finger fuck you.  ''mm you want it sugar'' before you could say anything she added her two fingers in you pumping in and out of your tight cunt.. ''mm sugar your so tight have you been saving it for me'' speaking to you going fast into you. you loved how her fingers felt you wanted to deny it but you couldnt.. you were close to cumming on her fingers the blonde pulled away fast , licking the juices.         ''sugar you taste so good'' whimpering from her comment.. she opened your legs and licked your puffed clit. whining out in pleasure her nails digging into you as she ate you out.      she was ravaging you like someone tried to take you..        

''oh fuck'' your legs wrapped around her head making the girl go deep.. ''mm'' sissy muffled in your clit causing vibrations.    you slowly grind on her face.. you felt a knot in your stomach bubble up.

"FUCK...fuckkkkk.. im gonna cum'' moaning loudly as you let go, the family member lapped up every drop as she pulled away , you breathed heavily..       ''sugar i might keep you'' she spoke.. but you were to tired to stand up or hear her your legs was shaking and sore, sissy giggled.

''your mine sugar say that yer' mine''     

everythinge was a blur but you were so drunk on her sluring your words ''immm yours''. the blond gave a grin and rubbed your cheek ''good now get some rest''

she put you back in the room hoping you dont leave her.

[thetoyboxau]

Do u have any ideas for ppl that wants to creates there own AU like tips and general character design and maybe writing tips (if u do writing au) like ideas on critter character design

🎤: hiya! And yes I do!

with character design for already existing characters, its pretty important that you keep their original vibe in tact, but of course go as crazy as you wish!

for me personally I find that styling the characters/your characters is good to leave your mark and make an easy-to-recognize au (or at least in my experience)

I might not have a popular AU in that sense, but with styling the character from the original source can not only be fun but give you a chance to add in your own quirks for the character ! :3

For example, you could add stuff that portrays their role in the AU or what they are known for (like giving a main character more style or referencing stuff thats already happened to said character if wanted)

As for Writing tips, for AUs try to think about it this way-

what is this AU focused on?

for the TOYBOX AU its Simon and their want to figure out what happened to the factory and if he can save anyone

Who would be the main character that we would be following, who are their allies? Who wants them dead? Are there teams?

for this AU, Simon is our angel, Flurry and some other heretics are his allies, and the prototype cult wants him dead- there being the teams of bystanders, heretics, and the survivors ^_^

and with that, thinking about character relationships can help with story-building and even design choices! Like making colors be in contrast, or showing similarities through shapes or color, either way its really up to you but subtle hints like that can really put it all together-

and with building your universe, you can flesh it out with your own perspective of things, for instance if you believe in a certain theory or want to use it for a AU of some kind you can incorporate it in somehow! Its all really up to you and your speculation so of course you can do what you please, but if your looking for more direct advice, heres a list/questions of things that could help you get started :]

What are the Character designs + relationships?

Who are the main characters / roles, whos bad whos good, whos perspective is all of it from?

what time period it takes place

how close to canon is the universe ?

what will be the main plot?

what are the possible endings/ending you want it to close with?

how do you define each characters personality and/or will ypu incorperate it into your own work or change it?

To me, I think the most important of all to really think about is what will you keep, what will you speculate, and most importantly- what will you add or change?

Hopefully you found this helpful! Apologies if not, peace! - 🎤

[ombretree]

Yellowjackets research post

Welcome to a research post, where I list out resources for you to look into topics you might be writing about. Today, I am writing about Yellowjackets, and links that might help fanfic writers find things to include in their stories. Included: research on cults, cannibalism, soccer, plane crashes, starvation, hypothermia, and impacts of childhood trauma.

When I first heard the story of Yellowjackets, I immediately thought of this story. It's essentially real life Yellowjackets. Please be respectful of these survivors, they went through horrible things.

Up next, cults:

(please don't use this to start a cult.)

Here is a link to the Mayo Clinic on hypothermia:

And here is one to starvation:

On a similar note, here is some stuff about cannibalism:

I'd imagine being in a plane crash leads to a lot of trauma, which would impact the girls as adults.

And finally, because I am a dumbass when it comes to sports, here is a basic guideline to soccer.

If you have a specific show you'd like me to make a post like this about, or even just a topic you want me to do research into, feel free to ask me.

[winterslibrary]

"...oh, doctor Lucianna! I have to admit, for as long as I've been working here and trust me, I've spent majority of my life here, I never saw anyone else as talented and dedicated as Lucien. Despite their own issues with health, they continue helping other patients and fighting tirelessly for those letting out their last breaths... I still fail to understand why do you think they are related to those disappearances. Our Lucien is a good soul, they wouldn't hurt a fly. Wasn't that man a criminal either way? I get that it's your responsibility take care of this, but isn't it better that that man is gone?"

━ ISABEL, head surgeon, about LUCIANNA

NAME: LUCIANNA, also known as LUCIEN or LUCIE. RARITY: 5 STAR COMBAT TYPE: QUANTUM PATH: ABUNDANCE USUALLY RESIDES IN: PENACONY

IMPORTANT: lucianna is non-binary and uses they/them! i personally call them by lucie but lucien and lucianna are also a-okay. they usually introduce themselves as lucien though. also both fem and masc terms are okay !! everything's written in more general language than trying to pull out my writing braincells cuz i have none for now </3 but... for sure i will write write something with them at one point.

GENERAL NOTES: Although Lucie usually resides in Penacony, the hospital they work at is on completely different planet. They tend to travel a lot because of that, one day chilling among luxuries of the Penacony's Golden Hour, the next day rushing to a hospital for a sudden emergency! It can be tiring sometimes, truly. But Penacony gives them enough time to rest before another week spent working on sick or dying patients. There's something else they do between their job, though...

(tws for: human experimentation, medical malpractice, cults and (mass) murder in lucie's backstory. feel free to skip that part !!)

BACKSTORY: There's thing thing, you see. Lucie from always was a rather sick child, struggling with their health and at one point things got so bad, that Lucie truly believed the end was near. With no money to afford proper medicine, only thing left was pray for a miracle, and yet what Lucie got was a curse under the guise of one.

Because they were young and desperate to live, when a mysterious doctor offered them medicine that could save them they instantly agreed, unaware how big the pay would be for their life.

That doctor turned out to be a part of a group of abundance followers, that in the name of Yaoshi would perform... rather questionable medical experiments, be it on medicine, be it on other human livings and Lucie, not wanting to lose their only source of medicine, forced themselves to join the group and assist them in whatever experiments they were doing, even if it included hurting other people.

Luckily, with time Lucie managed to learn how to brew their own medicine– alongside with more general knowledge regarding medicine, which allowed them to run away from that terrible group of people, self-called followers of Yaoshi yet filthy liars in reality. But not without a revenge, no.

To this day people wonder who– or what killed that group one by one, everyone dropping dead like some flies... Lucie wouldn't know. They are happy to be the only survivor and to be finally free.

After that, Lucie started expanding their medical knowledge– turns out that when you don't have to literally torture people with poisons and dangerous surgeries, medicine is quite interesting! And that was how Lucie ended up working in a hospital, slowly climbing their way up, soon becoming one of the best doctors out there. They genuinely care about their patients, always willing to stay up nights and weeks to ensure that someone survives.

That doesn't mean Lucie completely let their past away, no. They spent years in that... weird group, among these people using an aeon to commit atrocities on often innocent people. And Lucie, as much as they wouldn't want to admit to that, a big chunk of their knowledge learned from all these experiments and dangerous researches they were forced to either witness or lead. It was unethical and terrible, but...

That dangerous side of medicine, it was an interesting one– and if researched in proper surroundings, the results could benefit everyone! From finding out new poison antidotes, to learning about toxins, how human's body functions and so, so many others...

Please, if you ever hear screaming coming from the lower levels of the hospital, don't mind it. You didn't hear it and doctor Lucianna is busy, so it's best you wait here and don't go bothering them. You wanted to talk about that criminal who just... suddenly disappeared, right? A nice chat won't hurt anyone.

MISCELLANEOUS:

━ Lucie is a cane user. They use a cane majority of the time, even in Penacony, but they don't need it always. Some days are better, some days are worse. Nonetheless, they keep it around all the time because their cane, in reality, is also a concealed blade. Great to defense!

━ Despite what one might think, they genuinely are a nice, sweet person, always willing to help, sometimes they even appear quite naive and stupid but don't believe it, Lucie is far away from being a little, naive sweetheart. Although, that attitude stays even when they are experimenting on someone... it's unsettling, sometimes.

━Their work schedule is chiller than a normal doctor's though. They are allowed to have more free time and they don't have to be at the hospital all the time. It's because their health is already quite poor and they tend to overwork themselves, so they more time to rest, to be able to perform their duties.

━ Close with Aventurine, their relationship is... interesting to say the least. For sure Lucie is his little lucky charm (meaning, more of a bodyguard and someone to bother while gambling all his money away) but they also are his sound of reason, always complaining at him to stop gambling so much, you're going to do something stupid and finally lose a game and, please, stop spending so much on me, I have no ways of paying you back anymore...

━ They enjoy researching on medicine, toxins, antidotes and poisons a lot. Genuinely they do. It's an interesting topic and they are quite good at that! Lucie did, in fact, made their own medicine after all...

━ Their post attack animation is literally them spinning their cane on the back of their hand. It's a little extra. A little fancy.

A/N NOTES: ueue. it is a little rough YES but im currently going through a writer block so dont mind the roughness HAHAHA im gonna... add more stuff one day. lucie's still kind of a wip so that too. anywyahashagsh introductions done!! voicelines next. also, have a lucie picrew as i struggle with their outfit and full design </3 have a great day everyone my back HURTS also i decided to not describe their personality just yet... because i dont like doing that. yeah im really gonna give u guys more lucie lore WHEN IM DONE WORKING ON THEM ok bye fr

[asirensrage]

As a CSA survivor abused by a family member I think people have gotten way too comfortable using incest in a kink setting (not talking about as a wider part of a story where it is driven by plot or characterization, I write about self inserts who survive incestual abuse). If you have sexual fantasies you explore through fiction of fathers having sex with their daughters or brothers with sisters, maybe take a long hard look at yourself. I have been there and there is absolutely nothing hot or sexy about it.

In a relationship, incest kinks are huge red flags to me, especially with serious partners that might lead to having a family later. Last year, I had a guy ask me to dress up in a frilly dress and wear my hair in bunches. As foreplay he wanted to take me to a toy store, come home and have sex where I had to pretend to be a little girl and call him Daddy. Apparently his other partners had no issues with this, and didn't understand my reluctance. As far as he was concerned it was legal and consensual and a fantasy. It wasn't real. But a man that infantalizes women and wants to act like his daughter is a huge red flag.

I appreciate that you sent this to me, that you feel comfortable enough to tell me.

I totally get it. As someone who's a fellow survivor, I get it. In real life this shit is traumatizing and awful and, like many dark things I write about, overall terrible. There's a reason I don't like people I don't know well even touching me in real life. Things like that have lasting effects. But at the same time, being able to write about it, to read about it, even if you know it's not realistic in any way, can help people. Even those who have experienced that type of trauma in their lives.

My writing is fiction. I list warnings on all my dark content because I want people to be able to avoid things they don't want to read. That includes things like torture, dub-con, drug use, obsession, murder...etc. I'm not trying to be a dick and trigger people when I can make it safe enough for them to avoid it.

Personally, I wouldn't say it's a kink of mine (I've written about it once so far) but I view writing about it the same way I write about things like obsession. It's about what drives someone to it...what makes them make that choice (and I don't just mean about the power trip). That's what interests me, the same way I'm fascinated by how people get drawn into cults or gangs.

I left multiple things on that list that was generated that aren't things I'd usually write about (or even interested in) because the point of it is to be a challenge for myself. Whether or not I succeed, I can promise that everything will be properly labelled with warnings and under read mores so people can choose what they want to read. I'm not forcing anyone to read anything of mine that they're not comfortable with.

Thanks for reaching out and I hope my wording makes sense in this. I hope you stick around but I also understand if not. You gotta choose what's right for you. Hope things only improve in life! <3