#how to pay for medical school
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i hate how entitled I end up feeling bc this is my sentiment but . Really really resenting that my parents aren’t going to help me with school or rent or anything while they super can
#230k income and they say they can’t afford to help. bull fucking shit#I work full time and make 30k a year and my mom said#and I quote#‘that’s it?’#YES THATS FUCKING IT HOLY SHIT?#I had to beg her to help with medical expenses for the cat she LEFT US WITH#and she says her and my dad can barely afford their house but she has never had access to their financials#so how would she know all of a sudden#I don’t know I’m struggling and I’m making a budget spreadsheet and I don’t have time for hobbies trying to do both work and school#and it makes me so angry because all my friends get help from their parents and mine just. I don’t know#I feel abandoned and hurt because it was like my mom and us against the world but she chose my dad in the end and that meant shutting us out#like whatever it is what it is. but it’s also not and I have so much hurt and anger pent up because I feel fed to the fucking wolves#btw out of their 3 kids I’m the only one they would have to pay ANY tuition for#and I’m going to a state school in the state which I was born and currently live. it would not be financially devastating.#(for them.)#fafsa is going to give me nothing unless I get married to my boyfriend so I can be an independent#bc fafsa is so fucking awful and is like mmmmm your parents will pay :) but they WONT THATS THE FUCKING POINT
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truly humbling to go from gifted kid and top of my high school class to only kid accepted to ivy league school to graduating with honors and one of two students to go onto a PhD program to president of your field’s professional association to the idiot who took eight years to graduate and the only graduate you know to be unemployed with zero job prospects after finishing said PhD program
#i have lost track of how many students have come and gone through my lab but i do remember every. single. one. of them had a job lined up#and here i am#having one of those nights where i feel like a total loser with a capital L don’t mind me#also all my friends are saying things like ‘trust the process’ and ‘enjoy the time off’#like i’m sorry i’m stressed but i have bills to pay and have a major medical procedure coming up that i’m barely insured for#i’ve been making grad student wages for EIGHT YEARS. i do not have a nest egg. i don’t want to ‘trust the process’#anyway i’ve gone from complaining about school to complaining about not school but that’s what happens when you’re feeing like a Loser#tbd
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Tfw I got a call from the student loans people and I realized I haven't paid it for 3 months
Whoopsiees
#speculation nation#sick of paying this shit. well im going back to school again so it's probably gonna go back on forbearance. Hopefully#honestly it's a wonder i have a good credit score with how much i forget to pay for things like this#im so lucky they dont count medical debt towards credit scores bc i always forget#actually i do need to pay off a medical bill still and also my dentist#my dentist is probably used to my shit by now. i just end up not paying my bill until i come in the next time.#perhaps not the best way to go about it. but it's not intentional.#and ultimately theyre getting the money either way!!! just a bit delayed.#anyways i hate owing money. cant wait to be out of school so i can start getting rid of this shit.
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hate my sister's shitty good for nothing boyfriend. can you imagine being a 30yo man with two kids who won't even scramble an egg. Not for his kids, not for his girlfriend, not for himself. literally if my sister doesn't leave out pre-made meals when he's watching the kids he will rip up bread or pour them dry cereal or open a granola bar and make himself microwave dinners. like, lowest effort possible. but if i mention this to my sis, she'll be like "no he's definitely cooked for the kids! he scrambled an egg for them once! i watched him do it!" but it's like...so he scrambled one egg in the last five years. just to like, prove he can? at your direct insistence? should we all clap? like seriously. hate this guy. had to really hold back recently because he had someone over and he was interacting with the kids more than usual for appearances, and he had to keep asking me and my sis what the 5yo was signing because he barely bothered to learn his own son's primary form of communication. i was so tempted to say "that one means 'go home' but you wouldn't know that because you don't take them anywhere." so hard to hold that in. If I had to describe this man in two words they would be these: Low Effort. Not quite bare minimum, but JUST enough to convince my sister that it would be too much hassle to get rid of him. he's stupid as fuck, but just smart enough to quickly stop shit like screaming obscenities at the kids for doing normal kid things. and he once stomped on my headphones and broke them in a fit of rage, but gave my sister money to replace them so it was "fine." Like, my sister thinks that he's just struggling with his anger issues, because he had a bad childhood, blah, blah, and oh he would never actually hurt her or the kids. and like, good for you, but i don't trust like that. genuinely hoping he gets struck by lightning and dies instantly.
#my sister and i do all the hard stuff and most of the easy stuff too tbh#cooking and cleaning and sorting out benefits and insurances and getting the kids to school and events#doctor's appointments and medications and dentist appointments and taxes#we get the groceries and care for all the pets and kids and household things#we both have jobs#i actually have 3 jobs#good for nothing boyfriend makes $12 a year plus some under the table cash as a “private trainer”#which means between that and selling his plasma and borrowing money from his mom he can...pay his super cheap tiny part of rent#and occasionally hand my sister like $20#he doesn't buy groceries or diapers or household supplies or clothing or toys or literally anything#literally the only household chore he does is fold laundry#that's it. and it's not “DO” laundry. it's just folding the clean and dry stuff#you know. the chore my parents would have us do when we were like 10 so we'd feel helpful#the 5yo is medically complex and we frequently make trips to a slightly distant hospital with him#and they literally asked us to stop bringing my sister's boyfriend along because he was disruptive and confusing#which was a polite way to say 'obnoxious and stupid as shit'#do you know how many times in one visit w/the same doctor he would ask 'so when does he get superpowers?'#he also obviously didn't know how to answer basic questions like 'how many times does he poop a day on average'#and 'how often has he been eating and what has he been eating day to day?'#like bro this man can go days without changing a diaper and will not even heat up a can of spaghettios to feed his own kids#he cannot answer those questions with any kind of accuracy#also i'm saying boyfriend because my sister desperately wanted to at least be engaged so she could say fiance in front of ppl#but just like marriage this was apparently a 'waste of effort'#not even the cheapest ring or the most underwhelming proposal or a courthouse wedding was worth his energy so...#yeah glad she hasn't married this waste of air. and i'll be praying for that lightning strike
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I've never heard of emts working only at events? What's that like for you if you don't mind my asking?
Yeah, there are ambulance companies that staff certain events, but there's some event specific companies out there lmao. For me specifically, it's almost entirely college events, whether it's happening on a campus or not. It's not great, usually pretty boring, but it's better than being on an ambulance or in a hospital. We do get actual emergencies sometimes, but usually it's just getting drunk people to the tent or giving out water and bandaids lmao. Again, boring as fuck, but I chose this over working on a 911 rig, so that's on me 😔 if I'm being so real tho, other than my coworkers, the best part of the job is the food lmaoooo it's so good and all the food trucks/food booths give discounts or free food to us depending on the location and event. And there's almost always a ton of downtime, so I basically just get paid to sit there and vibe for the most part
#not snz#when i say i love my job i mean i love very specific parts of it lmao#idk if I've said it here before or not and this is gonna sound so bad coming from someone working in healthcare#but i don't like patients lmao#i love the book stuff and i love everything in theory and i know how everything works and I'm very enthusiastic about it#but man do i not like patients ahskaksk#there are exceptions obviously but those are few and far between#it's why i love being an emt at my fire station bc we don't reslond to medical calls#like I've done medical calls there for the public but very rarely bc people either approach us or we stumble upon them#so i really only do my emt things on the people i know and i love that#i love my coworkers so I'm always happy to make sure they're okay and help them out when they're not#but i feel nothing for the public and i didn't realize i genuinely couldn't care less about them until i started doing my clinicals#it's just awkward and I'm not invested in them i just like figuring out what's wrong with them and interact with them as little as possible#again there are exceptions and i do like some of the patients but generally I'm just trying to hand them off asap#so yeah i do like working events bc the alternative is being confined to a tiny box or trapped in a hospital#i like being outside and being able to walk around the place and do things if i want to#and obviously i adore my partner#and even on the rare occasions i work with someone else all day i love my other coworkers too#and i mean yeah this might be more boring than working on an emergency rig However#it pays so much better#like why do y'all think my medic partner works there lmao he's actually good with patients and prefers the ambulance#but the pay in the field is shit so he gets paid way more working events than he would at the three letter company#insane actually that he makes over ten dollars more an hour working chill events than he would being overworked on a rig#anyway i digress#I'm looking into pathology assistant school rn bc there's like no patient interaction there but i still get to be nosy#so that's perfect for me lmao#everyone keeps saying i missed my calling as a vet tho like i don't cry when a dog dies in a movie lmao i wouldn't survive#working with animals would be amazing but the only thing that really gets you money is being a vet#so that can be a hobby
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household enemy to the yyh watchthrough number one is the olympics. it's taken us a week to get two episodes into the gamemaster fight
#out of three. please the third episode's what makes it okay im fighting for my life out here#it is NOT for lack of trying on my part but theres only a brief window of time when the olympics is not happening#and as it turns out the watchthrough is Not my mom's first priority (how dare she etc)#i do feel slightly bitter that we've gotten through two eps of band o brothers in the same time#we are fighting for the same timeslots yet somehow the hour long show's gotten a leg up??#you don't have time for a 23 min ep but DO for a 60 min one?? explain the math to me please#idk how to explain the vague feeling of betrayal bc it Does Not make sense Nor matter in the slightest#but cmonnnn we were doing so well. and my little bro's starting up school again soon and my dad's gotta go back to work#sometimes eventually (<- hes on medical leave) and my grandparents are coming over next week We're Losing Time Soon#ughhh if i'd known the olympics were happening (<- somehow completely oblivious to this) i'd have accounted for#my mom getting whisked away by the land of synchronized divers and shot putters and whatever the hell#happens in the summer olympics (<- only pays attention to winter olys)#bc that always happens. and *i* have to go back to school in Some Amount Of Time Im Too Scared To Check (p sure it's late aug though) and#when that happens i'll (hopefully) be stuck across town which means we won't be able to do it any time besides the weekends#and i don't wannaaaaa#i know this is the least important problem anyone's ever had like i get that i know but#it's important to me that they sit down and watch this with me. and watching it pull apart and being#the one who's easily the most invested it makes me look all desperate when i ask them for their time and they can't give it#we can only pull this off neatly in the summer and we were so close and now we're losing it right at the finish line#i don't want life to get in the way of this little bubble i've fought so hard to make y'know#and it's childish and embarrassing and whatever but i just want them to have fun with me with this thing i care about a lot#but i can't do that bc my mom needs to watch the judo matches at Every weight class#even though she's recording a lot of them? i don't understand but whatever i know it's her thing im just moping about it ig#i want it to be as perfect an experience for them as possible and it's slipping away from me#and i don't wanna leave this project unfinished when i start school y'know. sighh#i think they might feel like i only want them around when we're watching stuff. whcih is weird bc that's like#The Singular Way we family bonded literally my whole life so idk why they wouldn't get that when reversed#but either way that IS how i wanna spend time with them. i want them to understand this thing that's become a part of me#and i wanna talk With them about it. and so far it's been fun in a way it's never been before. my mom at least seems to really like it#and i want it to Keep going well bc if we lose momentum im worried they'll start finding it tedious. sighh
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To whatever dentist that decided to shave my canines to match what were mostly baby teeth at the time. Thank you not only do i look slightly stupid but you fucking over did it a smidge , and now im in fucking pain you silly shit. If YOU every see this, i bring shame upon you, shame upon your family, shame upon your dam cow.
#to dentist out there dont shave down a childs teath on a huntch especaily after there faces have been bashed in You give em so mutch troble#down the fucking line aggg.#enamile past or whatever you used to repare it dosent turn well long turn you fucking goob. you fucking half baked maxillofacial surgeon#i may be miss identifing things but still#dentist#maxillofacial surgeon#maxillofacial surgery#child hood injury#dare i say medical malpractice#im only posting this in hopes that they or another dentist sees it and knows how fucking silly you fucking are#the fucker didnt even do it perficly evenly#did you hand me over to your fucking understudy#did you finish your fucking DMD or whatever the fuck your did clearly dishonestly#did they just look at your 3 years of residancy and go yea you know what you get a pass your clearly paying well and good atitnoeon to the#care with pacianct and are quilified to oporate on a child#was the child specialist simple not in on that faithful weanedness day#and you piped up like yeaaaa i can do oral surgary on an adult i can shur as hell oporate on a child i mean its mostly baby teath so it#coulnt be to long term right right#or did you walk in going whats it matter its not like it going to be my problem just save the skin off my back and hand it over to the next#guy#wear you fresh out of medical school.#its not noticible now but holy fuck is it anoying
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Whatever happens i hope the entirety of the medical system and every other established bullshit broken system run by people whi think theyre entitled to other peoples worth burn to the ground as painfully as possibly and the people effected get to mount their heads on sticks before being given contracts to be involved in the rebuilding process so its actually fucking fair and works
Rapidly losibg vacation time i cannot just simply go to work after just fuck all bullshit
#winter speaks#i am so tired#that is the last phone call i am ever fucking making to anyone in the meducal industry ever the fuck again#if anything serious ever happens i think id honestly rather jhst wait n see if it kills me rather than get one more#blown off fuck you from people who went to school for years and years to help people and end up with the solution to everything#jusy being the mosy basic tests they can scrape by orderibg to shutbthe patient up long enough for insurance to kivk in#fuckij hate the system we libe in hate being percieved female hate that this is just how the fuck it is and now i just#have to play dr fuckin google and see if i can scrape uo enough energy to fix mg damn self bc god forbid#the medical industry to anything but wring you dry and yeet you to the curb as soon as theyre bored#fucking god damn son of bitch shit fucking sgupid ass bullshit#theres not enough floortume in the eorld for this i want to put my head through concrete#i have chronic issues please dear god help me. ha bet you fuckin loser eat shit n die but live long enough yo pay me#fuck
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#well. today was a nice day of not doing anything but drawing really. theres an au where i went to art school and am a happier person lol#except not really bc im sure my head would ruin that too. anyway. its a shame i have to return to the pain tomorrow. i have so much to grade#plus a paper to write plus data to work with. a protocol to figure out. and an exam to study for and a final project thatll kill me#god. i also have to get ready for lab Monday. christ. and what shall i say to my therapist Tuesday? well we could try to tackle the deep set#looming issue that prevents me from getting better in our tiny 50min session or i could be like listen. just fucking listen. let me give u#the case 4 and against me having adhd so i can stop feeling fucking nuts. just like give me feedback. ya kno?#it would b inattentive bc im not hyper unless im losing my mind and bordering on hyp0mania. but my focus is something i cant control#executive functioning has always been a problem but now im so worn down im in danger of actual consequences. and its not just things i dont#wanna do. im not just anxiously avoiding. i cant start tasks and stick with them. i flip back and forth and get nothing done. i spiral#sometimes for hours. im not doing anything fun im just not doing anything. frozen in anguish. i dont even wanna think abt how much money ive#lost by not filling out reimbursement sheets which arent hard to do. theyre easy i just never do them. why??? i dont fucking kno. but im not#forgetful. im thinking constantly abt these things. i just cant make them happen. theyre stuck buffering. i do have memory issues tho#my short term working memory is like that of a literal child. so i cant follow complex instructions. i constantly need new info. constantly#need sound. spoken words plus music at the same time. but the main reason i need an answer to this is the reading issue. which is that im#dyslexic but also my thoughts r like an interfering frequency. without realizing ill b thinking and not reading. its a problem no matter#what im reading. its severely disruptive. i will physically read out loud to try to hold my attention in place and still get distracted by#my own head. do u kno how frustrating it is to read something aloud 3 times and not know wtf u just read bc u arent thinking abt anything#interesting u would rsther b reading but u can't fucking pay attention long enough. genuinely if its not adhd and i cant get medication to#fix my focus issues i dont kno wtf im gonna do. im so bad at reading and its extremely frustrating. but is it just dyslexia? idk what i#described doesn't fucking seem normal or like a reading problem. sounds like a focus issue. so riddle me that#idk ive got adhd on both sides of my family plus my focus fluctuates with ny hormones plus homones possibly induce hyp0mania. like i mean#ive got other issues which make a diagnosis difficult to parse but like i feel like that's decent evidence for possibly adhd? my friend said#she was always worried she had a brain tumor before she was diagnosed. to me ive always felt like my brain is full of holes. im missing the#parts that would let it operate correctly. the frontal lobe is just fucked. ugh. i wonder how much accommodation i could get from the#disability office if i actually went to them. i wont bc im fucked up and i dont think they could actually do anything for me at this stage#but alas im curious. ugh. y do i do this to myself? i kno y but not enough time for that in 50min. bad attitude mostly. half my brain#just craves death. the other half is just trying to tread water but its hard with someone trying to drown u. so its all fucked#unrelated
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idk if it's genuine excitement or the energy drink i had earlier that's actually letting me focus and work but dude. i am CRUSHING this essay. this is Fun To Write. i think i'm actually doing a really good job here. wtf. i love my major man
#i am a LITTLE bit sad i cant do grad school bc like. im going to miss writing essays and researching and all once i graduate#i do genuinely like doing it. call me a nerd or whatever but i love it esp when its on smth fun and interesting like this#now im not sad enough to actually DO grad school lmao#unless i got offered a scholarship or smth idk. wont happen but. hm. if it did.#seriously tho. i would think more seriously abt it if it werent for my adhd. i just dont think its realistic for me#as much as i like my field i dont think i have the ability to focus well enough to complete the work id need to complete#i went to the meeting abt grad school i learned abt what it requires/why people do it and all. i just dont think i can do that#and bc i ultimately cant get diagnosed -> cannot get help/medication thats not going to improve any time soon#after years of learning how to adapt and work with my brain this is probably the best i can do without medical/institutional intervention#its not worth paying a shitload of money and possibly setting my career back by years only to fail out yk?#im not too torn up abt it. ill give it more thought if it becomes relevant but rn its not really on my radar#ive done an excellent job in school! im getting an honours degree (hopefully)! most people dont even get that far#a lot of people with my condition dont even get into university let alone graduate. im incredibly lucky to be able to do what i can#levi.txt#this is all over the place but takeaway is im having a good time! things are coming together i feel confident in my work#im gathering theorists and sources for the section on night of the living dead and having a blast#ive got my examples all lined up my arguments make sense in my head i know where to look for applicable theories etc etc#i just need supporting quotes and im working on that rn!! it hasnt even been that hard#ok. back to work. i need to harness the power of caffeine once more (made my brain quiet) (no longer full of bees) (im in charge)
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Ugh
#when i was a kid my parents would scarcely speak to me for some years because all i would talk about was dogs#spending hours upon hours researching random breeds and breeders#doing as many school projects as possible on dogs#i wrote essays about dogs in my free time#drew dogs#had documents of name (call and registered) ideas#and now i finally come close to my dream#i graduate in may#and i know i should take her words with a grain of salt but my little sister who has never worked a day in her life#constantly mocks me for my passion and calls me irresponsible and tells me how much things cost#i KNOW how much things cost. /i/ pay for them. /i/ pay my medical bills. my car maintenance bills. my credit card bills. for my gas and food#its just so disheartening that she has so little faith in me#i try so so so hard to spend time with her and connect with her#to help her and be there for her#but shes never been there for me. shes never. not ever. been there for me.#at what point to i give up?
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According to 6 different serious health/psychology pages I have BPD, do you think that means I should see a therapist?
#i've been thinking about the possibility for a while but never looked up symptoms because i was scared#and now it's starting to get out of hand so i finally did even though i originally didn't want to be officially diagnosed#for various reasons like the stigma in society and my health insurance knowing so all my future doctors will go back to their#'it's only psychological stop being so dramatic you're not actually sick' shit and invalidating me and my health problems in the past#some of them straight up refused to write a sick note for school when i actually had the flu back in 8th grade#so that's one reason why i don't want any mental illnesses to appear in my medical record#plus the cost factor because i'm not sure if the insurance would even cover everything but i might end up paying for it myself#if it means the health insurance won't be informed even if it's probably a lot of money#but in order to get therapy i need to get diagnosed by a professional so once i read into it a bit more i'll figure out how to tell my mom#and see if i'll call this one therapist in my town who apparently treats psychosomatic disorders#i'm sincerely sorry to everybody i've talked to recently (aside from casual fandom chatting) who may have noticed me behaving kinda shitty#advice is greatly appreciated because this hit me like a train and i don't fucking want this. like at all#i thought my switching between depressed and anxious and angry and empty and hyper was just. idk something else but not That#mel talks
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my worst quality as a student is that if i think an assignment is not worth my time i just dont do it. like thats not to say if i think its annoying or dumb i dont do it bcoz i still do some of those but if the net gain to my education and me personally isnt substantial i just wont do it! like what is the value here. what does this teach me like actually. like girl shut up
#the pharmacy wont fill my vyvanse PLEASE LORD. I AM DROWNING LORD PLEASE#even the stuff that i want to do and that im GOOD at is like. oh my god the focus is not focusing!!!!!!#300 mg of wellbutrin xl and an absurd amount of notebooks and planners only gets a girl so far………….#anyways genuinely i wish i were good at school like. its such a privilege to even be able to go to school and yet i am fucken. dying#constantly. like i have gotten so much better and i love the work i do and what i get to learn!! but oh my god like the adhd is suffocating#how did i survive this long without a diagnosis lol#ugh whatever#iits not just that ig i mean there r other factors. i wish i could just be like. an On Campus Student whose only responsibility is to learn#and do their assignments but. idk. i just didnt get that. whixh is not to say my life is like sooooo hard but idk its just#watching friends n my peers get to have the College experience when u gotta like pay bills n stuff is. idk. alienating. and idk how much of#my shittiness as a student is the syndromes and how much is just like my life situation#uggGHHHHH. WHATEVER#if i dont get my medication soon i will explode forever#first crit in my fiction workshop is comin up and i gotta get at least 10 pages done which is like feasible i just need to be medicated lol
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Incredibly cool that the US now has the long wait times for medical care that Republicans always scaremonger about, and we get to go into debt over it at the same time! Land of the free, baby!!!!
#personal post#I had to drop out of school cause of medical issues#I contacted my doctor in October and can't gget an appointment until mid-December#tell me again how single-payer medicine will make my life worse#bc it's pretty fucking bad now when my PCP isn't available for two months out#and I'm still going to have to pay her office $20 just to be there and be told she needs to refer me to another doctor#and god knows how long that'lll take...#so glad I get to pay hundreds of dollars in insurance for this level of care
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