#how to cope with trauma? run directly towards it!

[transgenderism-horror]

I'm obsessed with future Theo being a nurse. In my head it makes so much sense

[yearning-for-autumn]

Acotar Trauma-Verse -- Part 1

Azriel

A/N - This is a self indulgent character study series, I wanted to explore the trauma of each of the batboys, and how it manifested in their childhood. This is pure angst.

---

Summary - Azriel has been in Rhysand's house for about a month. He is struggling.

Warnings - Childhood trauma, angst, unhealthy coping.

Pairings - None

Word Count - 900

“Azriel? Azriel? Azriel.”

Someone was calling his name, but Azriel couldn’t hear them. Well, he could. They were muffled as if they were underwater. Or he was underwater. He felt wet, and warm, like he had been swimming. He would be cold if he had been swimming wouldn’t he? He wasn’t sure. He didn’t think he ever had been swimming before.

“Azriel, wake up.”

It was Cassian’s voice. At least, it sounded like Cassian. He loved Cassian. He loved both of his brothers. His new brothers. They were nice to him. He wasn’t always that nice to them. He had been mean to Rhysand today, he pushed him down the stairs. Rhys had cried. Why had he cried? Doesn’t he know there’s no point? No one’s coming to help you. Even if you cry. Even if it hurts. Even when you need someone to—

“AZRIEL!”

He jolted awake with a gasp. Instantly he could tell what was wrong. Cassian was sat by the foot of his bed, Rhys by his side. Rhysand had been the one to finally wake him, shouting directly into his mind. Both of them knew by now not to shake him awake.

Azriel’s shadows had flooded the space, swirling around his brothers frantically. By the looks on their faces, they weren’t contained to just his room. They must have infiltrated the entire house. He stared off into the distance, praying that they were at least masking his scent. His brothers couldn’t find out. They could never find out. He could feel his hands shaking violently and willed them to stop, they didn’t obey. Tears pricked at the corner of his eyes, but he wouldn’t let them fall. He could hear Rhys and Cassian asking if he was ok, what happened, what’s wrong, Az. Az?

“Azriel.” Her voice. Her scent. His shadows slowly retreated back to him. “Boys, leave him alone for a while, I will look after him. He’ll be ready to see you again in the morning.” Rhys’ mother. His mother. Her gentle hands, calloused from her hours of sewing and tailoring, guided him towards her. He couldn’t speak, but with Cassian and Rhysand gone, he could cry.

He took heavy, shuddering breaths as he cried. Hot tears running down his cheeks and wetting his mothers shoulder. She held him firm through it all.

“Now, darling.” She said as his tears calmed. “Let’s get you out of bed and cleaned up.”

Anger bubbled up inside him. He didn’t know where it came from. Nor could he control it. His shadows lashed out before he could and slammed the door that was barely ajar.

“No!” His voice was hoarse from disuse.

“Azriel, I know you’re upset. But you need to clean up. I will stay, I will help you.” His mother, held his hands in hers, gently massaging them over the thick bandages. He growled, and something like delight flickered in him when she flinched, before it was swamped by crushing guilt.

“Mama.” He said softly, and she kissed him on the forehead.

“My darling. Please let me help you.”

“I don’t want to!” He knew he was yelling, it felt good to yell. His mother looked resigned and let him. He screamed. Screamed and screamed and cried. The wardrobe door was squeaking on its hinges as his shadows flung it open and slammed it over and over. His desk was hovering just off the ground, as if the dark whorls of energy were ready to send it flying out of the window. The curtains ripped and tore.

Light returned, after a little while. After his voice grew tired, and his screams became sobs and his shadows got bored of wreaking havoc on their room. Rhys’ mum took a calming breath, in through her nose, out through her mouth.

“I know. I know you don’t. Let’s at least get you out of these wet clothes.” She said, her voice shook a little, but her hands stayed firm.

Azriel pulled his hands away, a movement that jolted his mother backwards. He scrambled out of the bed, grimacing at the cold air on his soaked pyjamas, and hurriedly hid himself in the corner, his shadows completely engulfing him.

He could hear nothing. He could see nothing. He could feel nothing.

His wings pressed up against the cold of the wall, but it didn’t matter, they were useless anyway. They weren’t like Cassians, or Rhysands. They didn’t work. Maybe they never would. It took him a while to let his shadows retreat again. But when he did, his mother was still there. Sat in the same place on the bed that he had left her. She smiled.

“Are you ready?” She asked. Azriel took a shaky breath, and nodded.

He let her dress him. Tried not to look at the wet clothes and sheets that got piled into the laundry basket. He wanted to help her make the bed. It was the least he could do. But she refused. Once she was done, she extended her arms and he was helpless to stop himself. He crawled into her embrace, letting himself be tucked up tightly under the duvet, his mother curled around him. She hummed gently, an old Illyrian tune. He let it lull him back to sleep. She kissed his hair, his cheek, his forehead. He could never deserve something so gentle. But he was selfish. And he took it for himself. His shadows sheltered under the duvet with him.

When he woke she would be gone. She always was. To work. To tend to her husband. Or her real son. But for now, he let himself dream that she stayed.

[lu-is-not-ok]

horrid thought i had: if your theory on k corp hong lu being semi-conscious during stasis is right, does that not mirror carmen during lobotomy corporation?

...

Wait. Hold on. Wait. Wait hold on.

Ok, so here's the thing: For a while now I've already had a suspicion that Hong Lu's deal is like, way more important than he lets on.

This might sound like a conspiracy Game Theory Matpat rant, but here me out.

First of all, Hong Lu has this weird tendency to break patterns in much less obvious ways than the other suspicious Sinners, to the point it's been driving me insane?

Like.

Okay.

First.

Remember those promo PVs of each Sinner? And how each of them ended on a glimpse of their trauma and All of them either directly referenced a potentially traumatic event or had the Sinner sound distraught? Except for Hong Lu, who doesn't sound in any way distressed like the others did, and then after the game logo is revealed he asks if something he said was weird.

Like, sure, it does make sense for him to say that in context of what he says during that video, but isn't it so fucking weird that the one Sinner with a section in his promo that seems slightly off is also the one who asks if anything he said during that section was weird?

Second.

You know those intro segments during the prologue, that are also on the official limbuscompany.com website? The ones that offer managerial instructions for each Sinner?

Pay close attention to those. For every Sinner, these instructions specify how to deal with that specific Sinner's eccentricities.

Don't show Gregor your disgust. Wait for Rodya's bad mood to pass. Give Sinclair positive reinforcement. Wait patiently for Yi Sang to finish thinking. Look Ishmael's way for sound advice, but don't break her trust. Understand Heathcliff is simple-minded and contact HR if he causes problems. Play along with Don's Fixer act. Don't make Ryoshu breed personal resentment towards you. Give clear and concise commands to Meursault. Give Outis short replies of agreement but keep an eye on her. Simply nod and get it over with when conversing with Faust.

...But then there's Hong Lu's. Which says nothing how to deal with his eccentricities, but rather to not let Other Sinners get physical with him over them. It's not about keeping him in line, it's about keeping other people's reactions to him in line.

I want to note this especially because several other Sinners break patterns in their introductions as well. Meursault's is one sentence. Ryoshu and Outis have a warning. Don Quixote's particulars include a [REDACTED] on the website. Faust's directly asks the manager to fuck around and find out. However, the way Hong Lu's intro instructions break the pattern is the most subtle out of all of them, to the point I genuinely did not realize that was the case until I had read all of them over multiple times.

Third.

Hong Lu's Base E.G.O animation. If you watch all of the Base E.G.O animations in a row, you'll notice that for all of them, the Sinners start already in frame... Except for Hong Lu, who visibly jumps into the frame from off-screen.

Now, you could argue that, technically, Don runs into her animation from off-screen as well, however I think there is a bit of a difference here. Don's animation is too quick to see her actually run in. We see she's not there for maybe a frame, before she pops with an animation that implies she had just run in and needs to break her momentum. This is unlike Hong Lu's, whom we Actively See descend from Off-Screen.

Now, I know what some of you may be thinking.

That I am coping. That these are coincidences. That I'm looking too deeply into things.

However. Here's a connection that I just recently realized, that has been Fucking Me Up.

Mild spoilers for Canto IV and like the first two chapters or so of Dream of the Red Chamber, if anyone cares.

You know how Limbus Company has this... fixation on stars? There's the whole thing with Dante following a star, stars granting wishes, people turning into weird beings from wishing to be stars, and there's this general connection to the sky and space because of Demian also doubling as a reference to The Little Prince.

And then something weird hit me.

See, Dream of the Red Chamber starts with a bit of a backstory to the jade that would later be reincarnated into Bao-yu. You see, it was one of the many stones used by a godess to create the sky. However, this one specific jadestone ended up being the only one not used in that creation, which then led to it feeling horrible about itself, which then led to a monk and a taoist deciding to have that stone reincarnate as a human and live through a human life, kickstarting the rest of the novel.

I'm like, heavily simplifying this, but that's the gist of how that whole thing starts.

Which. Made me think. A jadestone that was part of the ones meant to build the sky, but ended up being left unused. The sky. Stars. Hong Lu being seemingly named after the jade rather than Bao-yu directly.

Holy shit there's no way they won't reference this in some way, right? Right?

So, now imagine me, at my fucking wit's end, having the biggest crackpot theory brewing in my mind.

And you send this ask comparing K Corp Hong Lu to Carmen.

I am going insane.

[inamindfarfaraway]

Elena of avalor goes crazy

Esteban’s song something I would never do Is essentially a whole soliloquy in a preschool show

Elena of Avalor goes SO HARD. Sometimes it’s pretty standard Disney Junior fare, but then every now and then, to keep you sharp, it punches you in the jaw with darkness or moral complexity or really profound, emotional storytelling. Esteban’s whole antivillain-antihero ping pong arc is rightfully iconic. But I want to call out Elena herself too. The protagonist of this Disney Junior princess TV show, the one little girls even younger than Disney’s average demographic are meant to look up to and connect with, clearly has PTSD, repeatedly demonstrating symptoms like flashbacks, panic attacks and hypervigilance. Her character growth is so well-done. She has serious flaws and makes meaningful mistakes, and then matures and takes accountability for them. Not all her issues are resolved within a few episodes or even whole seasons. In Season Three she gets a lot worse in some ways due to trauma. But she chooses to do the right thing enough, and receives enough help and support from her loved ones, to remain a good person and become a better one. She’s a genuinely great role model for kids and has so much older people can relate to and appreciate.

Like, Frozen has got a lot of praise for its portrayal of mental illness. And I am so glad that it did what it did, giving symptoms of anxiety and depression sympathetic representation in a mainstream, theatrically released, incredibly popular Disney movie. But Elena does everything Elsa does on Disney freaking JUNIOR and more over more time. Superpowers? Check. Beautiful, evolving relationship with her younger sister? Check. Rules a kingdom? Check. Is mentally ill, uses unhealthy coping mechanisms like emotional repression and learns healthier ones? Check. Sings amazing musical numbers? Check. Never falls in love? Check. None of the main cast have a romantic subplot! The importance is all on family and friendship! It makes this asexual very happy. Nearly kills people? Multiple times! Actually kills someone? Check. Wait, what? Elsa didn’t do that!

Yeah, let’s talk about the murder, shall we? I particularly love how this series handles revenge. Elena really, really wants to kill Shuriki, both to protect her country and to avenge her parents and herself. Her family have a debate about this. Do they argue that killing or acting in hatred and anger is always wrong? That not even the pure evil Shuriki deserves it? That it would be an irrevocable moral stain on her soul to take any life? Nope! They argue that she matters too much as the ruler to run off and attack an extremely powerful, deadly threat and it would be more effective in the bigger picture to let her royal guards do their job. Their disagreement is entirely practical. Nobody suggests that Shuriki should be forgiven or offered a second chance. When Elena later defeats Shuriki in an epic final duel, she does indeed kill her! She incinerates her with a fire spell! The narrative never shames or punishes her for this, only rewards her, and she doesn’t feel any remorse or forget to value life as a result. A Disney Junior princess commits first-degree murder in cold blood and it’s depicted completely positively. She did what she had to do and is happier and safer for it. BUT then in the next season, she really, really wants to kill Esteban because he was directly responsible for Shuriki getting to do everything she did to Avalor and its royal family, even though he initially has no malice toward anyone and just doesn’t want to be imprisoned. Her pursuing him with unnecessary aggression and coldly disowning him when he tries to make amends gradually drives him to seek power and be an actual villain to compensate for his ruined life. She’s disproportionately fixated on catching and hurting him over the greater good and her own wellbeing. This time her thirst for vengeance is negative because it harms herself and others who don’t deserve it. She’s sympathetic and understandable throughout, but not making wise or kind decisions for herself or her loved ones, like not letting Isabel to talk about her feelings on Esteban with her. In the end, she does need to forgive Esteban to save everyone and have peace. But only after he tangibly proves his change of heart by sacrificing himself for her. The NUANCE.

Also, going back to Frozen comparison, I would like to point out that if you’re sick of them, Elena of Avalor has no twist villains. But it does have an array of interesting villains who are fun to watch and can be surprisingly layered and dynamic. Victor and Carla have a natural redemption arc building off their established true love for each other. Ash loses her love for her family to become even more immoral. She essentially kills (petrifies) her husband before their daughter’s eyes. They didn’t need to go that hard, but they did. Shuriki is a sorcerer queen with classic Disney villain confidence and flair, and has the added menace that a) she literally murders Elena’s parents in front of her in her first scene and b) she’s a colonising dictator who we actually see oppressing her conquered people through realistic methods of cultural suppression and police intimidation. They didn’t need to go that hard, but they did!

Thanks for the ask!

[farolero-posting]

Judging by your reposts of my posts you like Cedric huh?

Go listen to Moremoney - Pilot (YOU'LL SEE WHAT I MEAN BELIEVE ME)

Also I think Ced owns this shirt.

Also what do you think TWM and Cedric's relationship would look like. This is the work of his Father's life, and it, in fact, took it away in the end- So i imagine it being very complicated to say the least😭 like, i think Cedric knows it's not TWM's fault but he still feels very bad about it all-

[Start ID: A dark grey T shirt that reads "engineering? I'm engi-nearing my limit" in different expressive fonts of red orange yellow and white letters. End ID.]

Alright first of all cool song!!! Give Cedric daddy issues!! I see it. I think in the end Cedric is forgiving but he must have a lot of mixed feelings, because the Author, while a loving guy, could not have possibly also had that much time to dedicate to Cedric, or any of his other children, for that matter.

Now. Regarding TWM... You know how I said Cedric is somewhat detached? He avoids talking about the old world, unless pushed by Niko. He avoids the thought of living in a simulation and insists on that, almost like a coping mechanism. I think some of it may be grief from this lost world, but some of it may be his own distance towards TWM and what it can cause on the code. After all, he's likely equally as vulnerable as everyone else to the squares.

It's uncertain whether TWM directly provoked the Author's death, considering he "left on his own terms", but symbolically? It may have, yeah. The Author invested his last years working on this project that's meant to last beyond himself and his world, but in turn most likely sacrificed time and opportunities to live himself. It's a selfless act, but that doesn't mean his children don't need him to be present too. The younger you headcanon Cedric as the worse this is. (night has placed him as grad school student age, but many do consider him a teen). Cedric may try to avoid thinking about this and making this connection, but it would be a low blow to face any grief he has about his father.

And to add even more fuel, because of the Solstice run, Cedric likely has trauma from the squares and TWM's influence on them. He has to actively run from them. They damage his flying machine, they cause the labs to collapse, they destroyed his brother's body. But unlike him, Cedric can't just replace himself if he gets hurt. He may put on a brave face and be proactive to get things done (let's face it he carries the Solstice run), but this still has to impact him in some way.

On the World Machine's side I imagine that it has mixed feelings on the trio as a whole. In a way it's thanks to their efforts that it could be tamed, but according to Rue it also spent so long thinking of them as not real, and to have this view challenged has to be a big thing to get used to.

[clairdeluneeeeee]

Perfectly Imperfect - An analysis of Mari and her portrayal in the Manga.

It’s no secret that the new manga has been a hot topic of discussion ever since the first chapter was released.

I, myself, harbour very mixed feelings about it. On one hand, I’ve really enjoyed the way some parts were arranged to make the story more entertaining to follow, together with how some secondary characters got more compelling motivations behind their actions and better development (primarily Kim), on the other, I can’t ignore the strange pacing and the way some of the main characters were portrayed.

I’m not going to expand on this point further, given that we’re still on chapter three and I need to see how things will turn out from now on.

However, there’s a character in particular who gained my curiosity, specifically right after the second chapter came out. I’m talking about Mari, the “muse” of the story herself.

Under the cut, I will analyse further the possible reasons behind some writing decisions concerning her, and I’ll try to make some predictions over how things may go in future chapters.

Keep in mind that this post is not spoiler free, so, uhm, MAJOR SPOILERS under the cut about both Omori the game and the manga.

Right from the beginning, Mari is presented as a rather strange figure, surrounded by an aura of mystery, even more than she was in the game.

The manga starts off with coloured pages featuring every single main character during their youth. Except for Mari. The only page in which she isn’t in black and white is the initial one, and in that one, her face is being obscured and we can’t really see her expression.

Furthermore, once Mari introduces herself, everything suddenly turns grey, like if she stole the colours from Sunny’s peaceful world.

As we’re already aware of, the manga begins on a total different note than the one the game started with. Instead of reassuring us with a playful and childish world, we’re thrown in the middle of its psychological horror elements right off the bat.

We see Sunny’s most prominent core memory: the day his friends gifted him a violin to allow him to play alongside his sister, Mari. A joyful moment that will turn out to be the beginning of a tragedy.

So, our first impression of Mari isn’t the protective and kind older sister that Sunny idealises in his dreamworld (like she was in the game), but that of a pushy, perfectionist individual who wants to keep everything under her control. Basically, the embodiment of Mari’s worst traits, something that Sunny is trying to suppress due to the way they’re directly connected with the accident.

Here Sunny is experiencing a flashback. Mari’s words look like a distorted version of what she may have said to Sunny during their argument on that day. Desperately, she’s trying to understand why he would waste the thing they all worked so hard to get him, confused and angry at her dear little brother for ruining everything, rendering all their efforts useless.

And then, Sunny wakes up, and Mari is nowhere to be found.

Next time we see her, it’s her dreamworld-self, eager to help us and ease our fears. However, here the way we’re meant to feel towards her is reversed.

We’ve already seen Mari’s “dark side”, so we’re more than aware that this “perfect girl” isn’t totally loyal to who she was as a person.

She’s described as the “glue that holds everyone together”, foreshadowing the reason why the friend group fell apart after her passing. Without her warm smile and attempts to make everyone get along, the kids grew more and more distant, forgetting the special bond they all shared with each other.

Now, chapter 2 is where we get more interesting pieces of information about the dreamworld version of Mari, more specifically, the impression she left behind and how Sunny highlights her positive traits in a desperate attempt to run away from his trauma.

For anyone who is familiar with the game, this is nothing new. We all know about Sunny’s coping mechanism and how this affects his headspace.

However, what I found fascinating is the contrast that was built between the dreamy version of Mari, and her real world counterpart.

When she gets talked about there, she almost feels like an haunting presence. Someone that came back from the death just to disrupt the others’ (and in particular, Sunny’s) peace. Despite this, when Sunny closes his eyes and gets transported in another dimension, he can still relish the warm and caring side of his deceased sibling’s personality.

Mari is seen as perfect, someone who is good at everything and can do no wrong, to a degree where she stops feeling like a human being, and instead turns into an idealised individual with little to no agency.

The characters give long speeches about how Mari is unique and special, they idolise her, to the point where they feel less like her dearest friends, and more like fans of hers, who know her superficially because of the image she built upon herself, and not for the complex and nuanced human being she actually is.

Of course, this is just Sunny projection this belief in his imaginary world. I do not believe that the other characters saw her in this manner, at least definitely not Hero, and I’m also 100% sure that even Sunny didn’t have such a distorted view of her when she was still alive. This is just his twisted way to cope with the grief.

Another thing that I feel like it’s important to note, is the way Mari acts so meek and defenceless.

This is already explained in-game as Sunny’s way of protecting her from “anything that could possibly harm her once again”. But here, I feel like we have a really interesting scene that expands on Sunny’s guilt and his desire to pay his sister back for all the good she did to him.

When Boss is holding Basil hostage, he starts harming his friends in an attempt to get revenge since they didn’t invite him to their party. In the heat of the moment, he even goes after Mari, who is incapable of fighting back due to her bad knees. That’s when Omori steps in, defeating Boss and saving her life in the process.

Omori’s final strike is enough to bring Boss to finally give up, and for a moment, he’s able to come across as Mari’s hero.

Mari, who is nothing but a sweet and pure angel, the person who sacrificed so much for his sake. She helped him in more than one of occasion, she literally was the reason why he didn’t lose his life drowning in the lake. And yet, he kept failing her, by being a failure, by not being good enough for her. This probably caused him to develop an inferiority complex of some sort, which only got worse once they started practicing together. No matter how much he tried to meet his sister’s standards, he simply couldn’t, the pressure was too high for him, and playing the violin wasn’t even his biggest goal or passion. This eventually will bring resentment to build inside Sunny’s heart, and he’ll end up snapping at her, causing the catastrophe of Omori to ensue.

Mari and Sunny loved each other deeply. They cared about the other’s feelings and wanted to see their sibling succeed. Yet, their bad communication was what ruined them in the end. Sunny refused to tell Mari how he really felt, both because he always had major problems communicating his thoughts, but also because he really didn’t want to disappoint her. Mari wasn’t aware of any of it, and she assumed that his brother was fine with their practice routine, when in reality, the pressure of it was becoming too much to handle, and he ultimately couldn’t take it anymore.

This single event will forever plague him, and I think that this simple moment truly shows it in the most heartwarming way possible. If his existence only hurt Mari when she was still alive, at least here he can be the person she looks up to, who protects her and tries to keep her happy. He may have been the reason why she tragically lost her life, but at least here, in the darkest corner of his brain, he can be the one and only who allowed her to survive.

This is also why Mari always looks so physically fragile. She gets exhausted easily and can’t go much further from her picnic zone, so Omori must be the one to take on the role of her protector.

Thing is, none of this can be healthy in the long run. Sunny can’t keep treating Mari as a flawless individual, demonising himself in the process, he needs to come to terms with the fact that they were both two very flawed people who ended up hurting each other, but their faults don’t inherently make them irredimibile, either, and the chance to forgive themselves and one another is still there. Only once he’ll realise this, he will be able to let go of his past.

He needs to see Mari as neither an haunting presence who wants to punish him for his sins, nor a perfect creature who’s incapable of any malicious thought.

The two Maris need to coexist to give a more balanced and realistic portrait of who the girl actually was.

The game already does this masterfully, but I truly hope that we will get more flashbacks featuring RW Mari, stuff that will allow us to come to a more three-dimensional conclusion of her character.

So yes, in conclusion, while I’m disappointed with how certain characters got portrayed, Mari is not one of them, and I’m truly eager to see more of her in future chapters.

[chaoticfandomthot]

The connections between Little Miss Why So and Two Minutes (to me)

! Long Post ahead, I can't figure out how to do the cut thing, my bad !

[Disclaimer : this is just one of my many theories about TAD's songs, I do not claim to think that this is true or right and it is not a very strong analysis. Music is subjective, if you don't like the idea just scroll past, thank you.]

In this theory, Joey's character in Little Miss Why So and Joey's character in Two Minutes are the same person.

It places Two Minutes inside the narrative of Little Miss, towards the end, either right before or right after the breakup. I imagine Two Minutes to be his attempt at coping as he's trying to pull himself back together after he's tried everything.

"It’s like all the wallpaper inside my heart

Is slowly, slowly peeling off

And I’m showing

All the stains and things

They wrote on the wall before"

So as we start, we have Joey's character who is unravelling. He feels like he's being stripped bare and it starts to pull at him and old issues / trauma start to ressurface.

This resonates with Little Miss Why So to me because it's exactly how it feels to try to pull someone out from the depth only to realise you can't, and you've started to sink as well.

At this point there is the question of characterization, in LMWS, Joey's character is desperate, but feels detached (not the right word but you get it) and maybe even resentful, while in Two Minutes he is raw and deeply hurt.

To me this makes sense because LMWS is how Madeleine's character perceives him and she feels like a burden to him, while Two Minutes is his own thoughts and he feels like he tried so hard and for nothing.

"We’ve left all the blinking lights and shouting behind us now and I’ll stare at you,

As you stare, as you stare right back at the sky"

So the first half talks about shouting, which gave me a bit of hesitation because Madeleine's character is silent, and that's the problem in LMWS. Luckily for me, it doesn't say they're both shouting and Joey's character is metaphorically (literally ?) shouting at her to wake up the entire song, so I'll use that.

It also goes to show that he doesn't ask anymore, he's done. He's tried and tried but she just stares at the sky and he can't help but stare at her as she does, maybe hoping she'll glance his way. She doesn't.

This also directly ties in to this verse from LMWS;

"I'll make a hundred paper planes

To decorate our tiny room

I've even learned to cook

Just stop staring at the moon

That's why I put up fairy lights, just to distract you"

The next verse is when we get the chorus.

"Give me two damn minutes and I’ll be fine

Give me two damn minutes and I’ll be fine

These hands are growing cold

They’re running out of things to hold

Give me two damn minutes and I’ll be fine"

I'll ignore the repeated chorus for now to focus on the cold hands imagery.

It feels like a call back to the fact that he can never reach her in LMWS, how he can't feel her warmth because she is also getting so cold. How lonely it makes him.

There's also this from LMWS

"You don't see daylight any more

Something's sucking out your core and it's so boring"

Which gives me the empty cold of depression and makes me think that even if he could reach her, he couldn't hold her without freezing.

"If there was one place I could be right now, I’d be standing there between you and him

And I’ll fight you both, fight you both for the rest of my life long days"

This (to me, for this theory) refers to this verse from LMWS.

"Why won't you let me follow in your footsteps

As you trek into that underground world?

What's that hold that the big dark king of nothing

Has got on you, my girl ?'

At first, he wants to fight the 'big dark king of nothing', he wants her back and is willing to go far for it. Alas, by the time he sings Two Minutes, he's realised that he can't fight one without the other.

Madeleine's character doesn't feel like she can come out of the cave, she's trapped so deeply that to try and tear her away is to fight her as well.

It's a testament to how dedicated he was to fighting off her sadness, even though he never understood it, and how at the end of the day, it turned them against each other.

How Madeleine's character wishes that he understood that she can't just stop, and how he can't accept it.

By fighting the king of nothing, he's hurting her as well.

"But today we ripped it off, we ripped it off, we showed the world that we exist

Never really liked the pattern that much on the wallpaper so anyway"

This one I'm honestly not so sure about, so I'll skip over it slightly and just talk about the recurring wallpaper imagery.

It feels like however much he wishes he could fight them for the rest of his days, he's realising that it is ripping him apart, ripping away his wallpaper.

Now about the 'give me two damn minutes and I'll be fine'. This to me means something different towards the beginning versus towards the end.

At the beginning I interpret it as him asking for more time, 'I'll be fine, I just need two minutes, I'll figure it out, it's okay.'

"I can hear the children calling as though across the bar

I can hear the children calling"

This is when I think he made the decision of leaving. He can hear his own exit, a bit like when you're surfacing in a pool and the sounds get clearer.

"If I’m good will you come back

If I’m good will you come back

If I’m good will you come back

To us"

The rest of the song is him wondering if there's any chance left, if there is any other way to bring her back.

The ending of LMWS answers that question.

Why so, why so sad?

Stop asking why I'm sad (If I'm good, will you come back?)

Just know, it's enough to know I'm sad (If I'm good, will you come back?)

Yeah, but why?

Yeah, but why? (For Christ's sake, just say something)

He says, said"

You can hear him ask her, beg her to say something, anything.

Is there still a chance ? Can they fix this ? Can she come back ?

"Wish I'd said

'Cause if I'd said then maybe

You'd still be snuggled here in my bed

Watching Netflix

And now I can't

'Cause you changed the password

When you left"

They can't.

The last 'give me two damn minutes and I'll be fine' is the acceptance. The concession that he can't help her, and that he chooses himself.

Thanks to @dandelight and @podcastenthusiast for the nudge I needed to actually write it down and post it !💕

[printer-mob]

ooc post:

Panic. Mattjö is not yet ready to be transformed. He still wants to be human. He still thinks humanity has a chance. He also has yet to be faced with anything directly supernatural to his face.

Become paranoid and defensive. Lock doors, become more secretive, not let anyone know what’s eating him.

Mattjö has a few trusted online friends that he likes to game with, and he’ll occasionally share happy new there. He doesn’t really know anyone in person, at least not where he lives.

Hole up in his room. He might binge something online, or do busy work. Eventually he might go to a friend from work for help, but at this point in the timeline he doesn’t know them yet.

Mattjö has led a fairly safe life, and he’s likely to choose flight over fight. It’s in one of these situations that his powers as an avatar will begin to manifest.

When threatened, Mattjö tries to appear intimidating and scare off the other party, although it rarely works. He still holds onto this coping mechanism from grade school, in a sort of ‘outrun your friend not the bear’ kind of way.

Run. Mostly metaphorically, but maybe even physically. He eventually might send a sheepish apology text, but he’s not very good at processing those sorts of things in the moment.

He’d likely say yes, as he’s fairly lonely (lowercase), and he’d try his best to be a good partner but he’s not very good at attachment. If the other person gets through the first phase of Mattjö getting his bearings, then they have a solid chance of the two of them staying together. Mattjö is however a mess and doesn’t recognize that he has this beginning phase, leading to estrangement and a feeling that Mattjö does not want to spend time with his partner, often leading to a quick breakup, and renewed obsessiveness towards whatever Mattjö’s latest project is.

Internalize it and become even more obsessive about something else to make up for the new hole in his life.

Pretend things are fine until someone notices and forces him to go to the hospital.

Try to call it out, or record it on his phone, either audio or video.

Take a few photos. He recognizes this is wrong but it’s not as though it’s really something he thinks about before doing it. It’s almost subconscious. A compulsion to make things digital, to be in a format where it can be stretched and rewritten and forever part of the expanse that is the internet. Eventually he might drag it over to his printer and xerox the person’s face because Greta wanted to try something different.

He’d get a little panicky, and call a mutual acquaintance.

Hit them with something heavy and bring them inside. If it’s just someone who he sort of dislikes, he’d tell them to fuck off and slam the door.

Stay as far away from the other person as long as possible and then fall asleep and end up fully cuddling with them. Wake up second still in their arms and have many many questions.

Not eat much, but if his crush insisted, then he’d probably have a few very embarrassed spoonfuls. He would be bright red.

Full blush either way. Mattjö is not good with physical touch and gets very anxious, especially when he can’t be in like a digital safe space. Mattjö nods, embarassed, and doesn’t say a word.

Family in this case manifests as his leitner collection, and the answer probably depends on how far into his Change he is and how long he’s been with his lover. If they were someone who’d gotten past the complicated getting used to things stage, probably lover, but if Mattjö were half avatar already he’d be hard pressed to allow anything to happen to his digital library.

Turn bright red and be very confused. Some variation on wtf is said. He might end up trauma bonding to his enemy tho. And becoming less of an enemy with them.

(Assuming this says be hunted) Mattjö is very wary of Hunters. He would probably keep dancing and whatever fear entity his dancing partner serves would get a heaping helping, as well as the hunt.

Cough a lot if still mostly human, if not, eat more. Glass is silica after all, and silicon is essential for the Machine.

Break down into tears, and confess some heinous shit. Like “I found a body and scanned it on my printer and I still don’t know why I did it but it just happened and now I have so many secrets!”

This would likely happen close to becoming an avatar. Mattjö’s powers are almost entirely defensive, so he would use a weapon if it came to it. This is a moment in which he says goodbye to any sense of normalcy. He closes his eyes, and shoots, and leaves humanity behind.

Mattjö’s driving motivation is a desire to have a sense of purpose. And self sacrifice to save the life of someone you love seems like a good purpose. The extinction would not let him die tho, turning him into a ghost in the machine, his final form as an avatar.

If Mattjö were ever forced to destroy his files of digitized leitners it would cause him immense pain. To alleviate it, he’d have to scan parts of himself into Greta, first a hand, or an eye, but then his whole face or arm. He’d feel the sacrifice was worthwhile, but not want the consequences of it. He isn’t ready to be changed. But you can’t be ready to stop being human until you aren’t one any more.

what will your character do..

(reblog and brainstorm, lovelies! u can also write drabbles with theseee )

if they're met face to face with their plot, with no warning?

if they're stressed?

if they're happy? who will they want to share it with?

if they're sad? will they go to anyone for comfort? if yes, who?

if they're forced into a life of death situation?

if they're being threatened?

if they're kissed by their ex?

if they're confessed to by someone who they had no clue liked them? (given, they're single or not)

if their lover betrays them?

if they're coughing up blood out of the blue?

if there's a strange presence in the room, and it feels ominous?

if they discovered a dead body?

^ if the dead body is their best friend? (great question to start and develop a plot)

if their enemy is at their doorstep, bruised and injured?

if they had to share a bed with someone they don't particularly hate? ahem

if they had to be fed by someone they didn't like/their crush?

if their partner-to-be? enemy? pulls them into a secluded and shushes them? (their bodies pressing and all that!!)

when asked to choose between their family and their lover? (given the circumstances of ur story)

when kissed on their head by their enemy after a near death experience?

if they're dancing with a stranger, and the stranger says 'stop dancing, sweetheart and you'll hunted. do u wanna die?' ?

if they find out the food that served to them has glass dust on it? (who is it served by?)

when being pulled into a hug when they most need it by someone they least expect?

when they have to hold someone they loved at a gun point? why would it even occur?

when they have to choose between their own life and their lover's?

when they've to give up something (of great importance to the character) to save their lover?

[john24smit]

How Anti-Cultists Use Public Trials and the Media to Wage a Hidden Information War that Shapes Public Opinion

In my previous article, I began discussing how a shadowy force manipulates anti-cultists worldwide, who, in turn, through media outlets they control, drive the entire world towards death through negative imagery.

For more details, read my article:

I continued my research on this issue and found a scientific fact:

In 2013, a study was conducted by scientists: Holman, EA, Garfin, DR, Silver, RC: The Role of Media in Broadcasting Acute Stress After the Boston Marathon Bombings.

This study investigated whether repeated media coverage of the Boston Marathon bombings was linked to acute stress. 

This research also included a comparative analysis of the impact of direct exposure to the terrorist attack on those who were present at or near the bombings, compared to the impact of media exposure through television, radio, print, the internet, and social media coverage of the event.

Researchers conducted an online survey of 4,675 adults from Boston and New York 2–4 weeks after the bombings.

The results shocked everyone: repeated media coverage caused more acute stress in those who watched and read the information than those who had direct contact with people who were at the bombings.

Scientists have found that repeated media coverage of traumatic events can prolong acute experiences by constantly reminding people of the traumatic information and encouraging reflection.

In simple terms, repeatedly watching negative news in the media will constantly replay anxious, depressive thoughts and memories for people.

These thoughts alone can cause stress, even when nothing alarming is happening. This "mental chewing" worsens a person's mental state and affects their physical health.

(I read about this in the scientific study Holman, E. A., Silver, R. C. (1998). Getting “stuck” in the past: temporal orientation and coping with trauma)

As a reminder, I am conducting a personal investigation into the activities of anti-cult organizations. Remember their modus operandi: these are the most scandalous public trials of global significance. They last for years and decades.

It turns out that anti-cult organizations, using public trials and the media, are waging a hidden information war that shapes public opinion.

This means that anti-cultists are waging a real terrorist war against humanity.

https://actfiles.org/the-real-killers-of-humanity-who-are-they-how-negative-news-impacts-health/  I highly recommend reading this article.

And it is this war that has a detrimental impact on people's mental and physical health, comparable to the consequences of world wars.

It has become clear to me that people, for the most part, do not know the true reason for this mass genocide – crimes against humanity.

That's why I run my blog to warn people, literally save lives!

It is obvious that news directly affects our worldview, our attitude towards each other, events happening around us, our mental and physical health.

Therefore, it is crucial to critically evaluate:

what does the news contain?

what information does it carry?

how useful and truthful is it?

Because it directly defines our lives and the world we live in.

Please support this article with likes, shares, comments, and thunderous applause. In doing so, YOU contribute to the world learning the truth and being able to live in a truly democratic world! 

[7-milena-trajkovski-7]

Art Theory and Criticism - Journal reflection 8

Figure 1: Picasso, P., La Minotauromachie (Minotauromachy), 1935, Etching, engraving, and scraper, Link: La Minotauromachie (Minotauromachy) (x1986-104) (princeton.edu)

Putting into context Picasso’s personal struggle to cope with the uprising of the Spanish Civil War, along with the trauma that was inflicted on the victims, these symbols create a narrative that is inspired by the Surrealist movement and its use of symbolism, dreams, and the unconscious. Whatever is repressed in the unconscious is directly expressed in this artwork, with a foggy landscape foreshadowing the destruction of the figure’s surroundings. The two girls comforting each other while watching death and chaos unfold underneath them, are holding a dove, which is the symbol of peace. This can be interpreted as them, the peace bringers, being ignored and are forced to watch the situation run its course and end on its own without their interference. The Spanish tradition of bullfighting, which is a controversial tradition in itself because of animal rights and ethics, is used to interpret the country’s internal downfall, as if turning against itself. The violence that is depicted by the wounded female bullfighter directly symbolises the country’s internal betrayals and conflicts, just like how a bullfighter must risk his/her life when faced with fighting the bull, an ‘irrational’ animal in a ring without escape.

The Minotaur itself has been a key figure and symbol dating to ancient Greek mythology, which describes the King of Crete Minus prayed to the god of the sea Poseidon to ensure he is favoured as king compared to his rivals. Poseidon sent him a white bull as a sign of his reassurance and asked that he kill the bull, however, after growing attached to the bull he couldn’t bring himself to do it and instead sacrificed someone else in its stead hoping Poseidon does not notice. This infuriated Poseidon and as punishment made Minus’s wife fall in love with the bull, which ended up with her giving birth to the beast. Horrified, Minus placed the blood thirsty beast in a labyrinth. With this context on the symbolism of the Minotaur, the beast depicted in this artwork could possibly represent the amalgamation of multiple conflicts which built up fear and resentment, and ultimately went rouge. The spilling of blood was brought not because of one problem that happened to irritate and create this reaction immediately, but like the French revolution, accumulated till there was too much to bear and was impossible to not notice the tension.

The bearded man climbing the ladder could represent a wiser and older generation that foresaw this result and decided to protect themselves. By escaping to a higher place, maybe even praying to God hence ascending to the roof, they tried to get away from the hell depicted on the bottom. The snarling horse, which is animal that suffered a lot throughout the centuries during wars because of their practical use, is the symbol of suffering and ongoing pain that is trusted on the creature. witnessing and waiting for a better and more hopeful future is the boy holding the candle. The candle can be a symbol for light, and a guide towards a better future through the despair and dark times. Holding the Boquete of flowers can be interpreted as a symbol for growth and rebirth, as they make a point to always appreciate and hope for healing after such trauma, and that hopefully over time, a new era can be born which is more fruitful to its future generation. Of course, with the stinging memory of the past to thank for their sacrifices. All of this can be further explained using Jungian archetypes, which are based on Jung’s theory of the Collective Unconscious build on universal and archaic symbols, and human experiences.

The girls holding the dove in relation to my interpretation, can be described as the innocent archetype, which represents safety and the seeking of spiritual guidance. The Minotaur is the opposite of the ruler archetype, described as control and falls under the category of providing structure. Since the Minotaur brings chaos and loss of control, it breaks the collective unconscious’s accepted attributes that make this system, hence he poses a fearsome threat to the collective, and is emotionally haunting. The bearded man can be described as the rebel, which is described as liberation, which leaves a mark on themselves and people around them. The horse is a caregiver, as he is in the category of providing a service to strengthen the structure. However, he is not being put to good use and is instead being traumatised. The female bull rider represents the Hero and is defined by mastery. She should leave a mark but is instead being killed by the animal she is supposed the be the master of.

These archetypes are put into the opposite and negative use when comparing to their use in a balanced structure of the collective unconscious. Hence, this situation proves to be damaging and traumatising the collective unconscious, as everybody becomes involved once full-blown wars start and seem to never end. And when they do, there is far too much damage to the collective psyche and accumulated traumatic memories to cope with. Hence why this artwork is a warning of the mental and emotional trauma and damage these events do to the collective unconscious and entire generations, and juts how much they are repressed. They are constantly shoved down and instead, without even knowing, expressed through artworks even though history and its horrendous mistakes are repeated throughout history.

Reference:

Mythology & Fiction Explained, 2017. The Minotaur Explained - Greek Mythology. [online] www.youtube.com. Available at: <https://youtu.be/_fVRJXECkhY?si=TqHVzb0MnzaKTYPY> [Accessed 17 December 2023].

[rxi-d]

𝐦𝐮𝐬𝐜𝐥𝐞 𝐦𝐞𝐦𝐨𝐫𝐲 — 𝐬.𝐫𝐞𝐢𝐝

────────────

𝐬𝐲𝐧𝐨𝐩𝐬𝐢𝐬 ⇾ it’s only muscle memory for him to go to her when things go bad.

𝐫𝐞𝐪𝐮𝐞𝐬𝐭 ⇾ @itsalicewickedmcgee ; Can I put in a request for Spencer Reid? After a run in with Cat Adam's, his s/o comforts him six ⤑ "look at me - it won't hurt if you look at me.”

𝐩𝐚𝐢𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠 ⇾ spencer reid x female!reader

𝐜𝐰 ⇾ swearing, mentions of mental trauma, minor injury

────────────

IT WASN’T ENTIRELY A PROVOCATION for alarm when Penelope Garcia comes bustling into the conference room of the BAU, crimson flush beneath the application of her blush on her pale complexion, bursting with words as quick as the pace she keeps on a keyboard. 

Therefore, when the blonde woman came hastening through the doorway, a pensive energy taking fleeting residence within her typical one of amiability, Y/N didn’t instantaneously spur with any significant extent of a reaction, solely sparing a prompt and greeting smile towards her. It was an abnormally placid day within their unit, such serenity offering an opportunity for masses of discarded case files to be tended to by begrudging agents like herself. 

“You know if they’re doing a lunch order or something…? Spencer would be on my ass if he knew I was supplementing meals with coffee, and don’t you dare tell him that I have been,” Y/N’s hours of silence filtered into a mound of rambles of the prosaic thoughts that had littered her mind within that time, her pep mining into the pen balanced between her thumb and pointer. 

When the nonchalant and eased remark descended into a rigid discomfort within the room, Y/N glimpsed away from the typed summary of one of their prior cases, her capricious twiddle of the writing utensil fading into a stillness alike to that of the atmosphere around them and within the stature of Garcia. 

Her abandonment of the humdrum of the file before her on the wood table allowed her now discern the palpable fret entangled with the blonde’s expression.

“Garcia, what is it?” Y/N dubiously acknowledged how a surge of disquiet now gnawed at her nerves. 

The ever-apparent profiler instinct within her consciousness noted then how Penelope winced like she was in anguish, how her bejeweled fingers restlessly fidgeted against her stomach, “It’s Spencer.” 

The boy genius at the root of her concern had taken an abrupt personal day, muttering some semblance of his exhaustion to behave as his excuse for the atypical absence. The very boy genius who was her boyfriend and would, to a fault, tell her utterly anything and everything occurring within the intricate firing of his neurons. Y/N didn’t have her phone directly on her person, rather it was tucked into the rear pocket of her purse so as to not deviate attention from her cluster of case files. If she did, she would have found that there had been an absence of his daily deluge of manic remarks and nonchalant mentions of random statistics from her text messages. 

“H-he visited Cat today; that’s w-why he requested today off,” Garcia’s internal conflict released through a lump in her throat, thronging her hands with a fervency that may just cause her numerous rings to slide away from her fingers, “And now he’s i-in with Rossi, super u-upset and I think I saw - maybe, I don’t really know - a scratch on h-his cheek. Why would he go there to see her? She ruined your guys’ life - she almost killed you!” 

It was a furious question that Y/N herself harbored, a hollow feeling bloomed at the center of her chest almost immediately as the words registered quicker than she would’ve preferred. Alongside that borderline demand was the prosperous misery of the memories of what the Adams woman had done to her, a despair that had been suppressed by the fortifications of a mind unable to cope properly. Why would he? She would further beg the query as to why he didn’t tell her, but it was an inquiry with an evident answer; she would’ve stunted any effort he made to do whatever he did at the prison that day. 

A subtle throat clear that teetered with a crack resounded from the doorway, a meek divulgement from Spencer himself for his reluctant presence as he angled against the scaffolding, lanky figure dynamically pinched with a hunch. His radiating dismay and frustration could nearly be felt in the confined room, burning like a furnace. 

His fingers were morass in a nervous jumble, his thumb repeatedly brushing over his knuckles that flashed white in the clench of his hands. And, he deliberately eluded the pair of uneasy and fretted gazes of the two women before him, both hushed as to allow him to speak if desired rather than have either of them inundate him with their questions.  Within that prolonged silence that skirmished with the established tension to dominate the atmosphere, Y/N could confirm Penelope’s hunch about the scratch on his cheek.

The swollen laceration was the evident aftermath of a fingernail crossing the slightly tanned complexion of her boyfriend; she had been witness to it enough in their line of work to discern it with a passing glance.

“Uh, could I-” Spencer cleared his throat once more - an agitated tic that Y/N had noted within the years of their friendship then eventual relationship - vaguely gesturing towards her with dubious stare upon Penelope, all a jumble of implicit and explicit indications for her to spare a moment alone for Y/N and him. 

The blonde woman briskly nodded, bumbling out of the conference area, only after duly casting a sidelong, reassuring smile to the other woman and sympathetically squeezing Spencer’s forearm. He gradually eased the door shut once she departed, fingers straying into a haphazard thrum against the sleek curve of the doorknob. 

Y/N could practically see the neurons that impulsively collided into a mess behind the broadness of his eyes as he stalled there at the door, her own thoughts conjecturing if he was internally debating as to whether or not to leave. 

“Spence,” she edged into the terse silence as if to hinder any desperate desire to walk out, observing how his anxious fingers halted in a hasty reaction, almost cramping at the abrupt cease of movement in their tense tendons.

To her bewilderment, his body jolted out with a meager quiver, any withstanding fortifications set alight by the overwhelming misery and humility devouring his soul; a trademark of the impact Cat Adams had on his prodigious psyche. 

The same remarkable one that was in the throngs of an electrical storm, lightning striking with tidal waves of anger, frustration, and anxiety in his mind as he bore his weight against the door. 

The manilla folder along with the pen was entirely forsaken on the wood of the table as Y/N pushed away from her chair, her footfalls a perturbed song as she approached him promptly. And he couldn’t refuse when her hands drew his head down into the crook of her neck, despite the stark contrast in height that thrived between them. She embraced him tight as he clung onto her now, pulling her against his slender and hunched figure. 

When he attempted to say her name, it sputtered out in a shattered and rough gurgle, his throat so throttled by tightness and raw from emotion that she almost didn’t pick up on the whimper against her neck. He’s vulnerable now, rather novel territory for Spencer Reid to venture into, and he's found himself astray in the shallow waters of a defenseless position he incidentally inserted himself into.

“Spence,” she approached once more, her sigh sounding nearly defeated as she tread a few fingers through his messy, disheveled hair. His wayward breathing almost instantaneously steadied with the slight yanks at the tufts of his hair brushing his neck, yet his press against her shoulder blades in his own embrace remained pressured with desperation. 

“I thought I-I could confront her. Get s-some extent of a r-reason for everything. She almost murdered y-you and we weren’t even t-together so any excuse of jealousy is shit!” he rambled, misery bleeding into frustration amidst his muffled tone as his mouth was still partially pressed against her skin. And he sounded profoundly frustrated, something that bubbled painfully throughout his every nerve and neural pathway. 

His face was warm between the clasp of her palms as she eased it out from the bow of her neck, and Y/N was fleetingly relieved when he didn’t turn away or endeavor to scramble from her effort at reassurance. Nevertheless, his chestnut eyes, fevered with tears, took a stubborn oath to elude her gaze. 

“Look at me - it won’t hurt if you look at me,” her thumbs brushed away the lukewarm tears trickling down the arch of his poignant cheeks, edging into the crimson border of his scratch.

His toilworn eyes warily flicked up to her own as she spared a moment to examine the aforementioned laceration amidst the smooth of his skin, subtly and fleetingly tilting his head in her scrutiny. 

“Whatever answer or reason exists, we both know it’d only upset you further. She doesn’t deserve any more of your time, Spence.”,” Y/N asserted as she steadied his chin out of her clasp, hands favoring to brush stray curls from his forehead.

His frustration tensed with a clench of his jaw, a brief spark of anger igniting beneath the watery facade of his eyes, both peeved actions a fleeting presence within his demeanor as he propelled his focus on her. 

“I know,” he murmured with a flush exhale, his downcast expression gradually acquiring a quality both warm and admiring - essentially muscle memory for him when around her.She then pressed a whisper of a kiss on his lips that were still bowed in a frown,  lingering there to defuse the ticking bomb of fury within the abyss of his psyche. A sole hand wandered down to ease into a tender clasp with his own, subtly wrenching at the flex in his fingers as to prompt him to follow her as she uttered with a nod towards his scratch, “Why don’t we go get that cleaned up and go home?”

And he allowed himself to be guided out of the conference room by his girlfriend, every remnant of his extolled psyche pinned in churns of implicit misery and anger that were curbed by her very existence. One of the few coping mechanisms that managed to elicit any success in his intricate mind was rather simple (and rather cliche), but nonetheless a triumph for him in his dunes of desolation: look at her and it wouldn’t hurt anymore.

[whumpbby]

Love to read your thoughts on this story, holy heck:)

I have a bit of an adjacent/differing/coinciding take on why WWX went right to defending LWJ in the Ancestral Hall and, for me, that is sort of a pattern of behaviour with him.

Wei Wuxian deflects. He deflects like crazy. Whenever situation comes too close to home for him and demands him to show/experience unpleasant feelings, he will deflect it as if his life depends on it. Even inside of his own head.

His whole joky persona is built on that base, I think.

The scene where JC states that his father doesn't like him serves as a good example - WWX instantly deflects that. Completely changes the conversation into a grand adventure they will have together int he future, etc.

I am of opinion (and it may be far-fetched, but hey), that this is the reason he went so far and so hard on the Wen Cause. Apart from his moral outlook, this was the lowest low of his life so far and he was in desperate need for something else to direct his pain and despair towards. Drinking wasn't helping, he couldn't engage with his sect, because that carried a risk of the secret coming out... External cause became the focus of his manic need for distraction. Reviving Wen Ning became the new cause.

The whole Core Transfer, imho, happened because of WWX's inability to process negative emotions. He loved JC and didn't want him to suffer, obviously, but I think that the urgency and desperation came from the him needing to outpace this problem.

And the internal explanation of " Jiang Cheng's pride won't be able to stand this!" is so obviously tacked on - and I think it came from the fact that since Wei Wuxian cannot process negative emotions, he cannot imagine others processing them either. Often in the novel, he seems to be downright denying others their own emotions (JFM obviously liked JC, JGY didn't feel sad after SuShe's sacrifice, QinSu's whole situation, LWJ obviously disliked him, etc). He doesn't even give JC a chance to process his trauma and - most importantly - doesn't allow himself to process how damn unhappy he is about it. It's straight to fixing things and running from his own mind.

(And because they are all do damn enmeshed with each other, WWX's emotional shortcomings directly affect how JC and Yanli develop their own coping mechanisms. Yanli to a lesser degree - she is older and ahead in that development. But JC learned to hold things in - because he was never given words to express himself constructively - until he explodes. Because when he screams that's the only time he's heard and acknowledged. But that leads to WWX deflecting even harder, and the circle closes... Yanli's presence was about the only thing that could pull them out of that cycle, because her default was to soothe.)

So, it is easy for me to believe that his behaviour in the shrine is a continuation of this - protecting himself would mean dissecting a lot of negative emotions (emotions that he DOES HAVE, as is stated above) and that is a No. Lan Wangji was there and could be used as someone to deflect towards. Someone with an external problem that didn't tie back to WWX and his guilt.

This is quite a fascinating quality in a fictional character, because there's being unreliable narrator and them there's, well, This. Someone very smart that almost chooses to be selectively dumb in this one specific area that affects people around him in such stark and acute ways.

Looking at the underlying current of JC and WWX's relationship, I see years of one side asking to be heard and the other responding with "but there's nothing wrong!" So, like "they need to talk!" isn't really a solution, because before that happens, WWX needs to stop running.

As an aside to my chaotic stream-of-conscience:

The fact WWX manages to finally fall into bed with LWJ is, I think, partly due to LWJ being such a blank slate externally. WWX doesn't know of the Emotions rolling underneath - he isn't threatened by the negative feelings LWJ may have, because they are never shown to him. He's not expected to do any emotional labour in this relationship. No sorries and thank-yous, after all, (until you think about it for a second and realise it will make for a very unstable relationship long-term) and he's not ever made to feel bad about anything. LWJ is always there to either take over or cut things short when any unpleasantness arrives. A perfect relationship for someone who never wants to stop running from himself.

Do you have any feelings opinions or analysis of the golden core reveal or just how the scene in the ancestral hall went down?? Because I have a lot of feelings about it but I can't quite put them together into words and I love your analysis of the story and jiang cheng

thank you for the ask!!!! and thank you for your kind comments!!

god i have so many opinions about the golden core reveal, and the ancestral hall scene that precedes it. i don't quite have all my thoughts in proper essay order right now, but i will probably write another long-ass post about my Hot Takes some day soon.

unorganized thoughts as of right now:

for the ancestral hall scene, i am almost purely on jiang cheng's side. jiang cheng was rude as hell and he did verbally escalate instead of peacefully allowing wangxian to leave, yes. however, they are in his house. they are in front of his ancestors. they are in his ancestral hall, which they entered without permission. to me, it seems like wei wuxian wants to have his cake and eat it too: he wants to avoid jiang cheng and all the anger the jiang cheng of the present has at his (very real and rather devastating) mistakes, but he also wants to freely come and go in jiang cheng's own goddamn house, like he used to be able to when he still had a positive relationship with jiang cheng. if wei wuxian is going to act like jiang cheng and yunmeng jiang are nothing to him anymore, then he should properly commit to being a full outsider.

it's also interesting how wei wuxian focuses his retorts in his argument with jiang cheng on "how dare you be cruel to lan zhan!!! i'm protecting lan zhan!!!!" when in my view the vast majority of jiang cheng's verbal abuse was directed towards wei wuxian himself. jiang cheng calls lan wangji "riffraff" and "an outsider," but that...is incredibly mild language to me. jiang cheng is ruder to wen ning (by calling him a "wen dog") for heaven's sake. instead, jiang cheng is much nastier towards wei wuxian himself: wei wuxian is shameless, wei wuxian's idiotic hero complex got all his family members killed, wei wuxian is why jin ling is an orphan, wei wuxian is a heartless ingrate, etc etc.

wei wuxian, defend YOURSELF! jiang cheng is barely being nasty at all to lan wangji, but he IS being nasty to YOU! compared to all the horrid shit he yells at you, he barely even brings up lan wangji at all! at the very least, tell jiang cheng not to call wen ning a "wen dog"!

i haven't fully thought this out yet so i'm not sure how fully i stand by it, but the fact that wei wuxian gets that heated "defending lan wangji" when jiang cheng barely even insulted lan wangji that much, is very interesting. it implies to me that, while wei wuxian thinks he does not have the right to properly rebut jiang cheng's criticisms of himself, that he truly is guilty and therefore should just take jiang cheng's verbal abuse of him lying down - deep down, he is still upset about jiang cheng blaming him specifically. when jiang cheng calls wei wuxian an ingrate who got all of jiang cheng's family members killed, wei wuxian is in fact upset and does in fact want to protest. however, he is unable to openly do so because he also feels incredibly guilty himself about the role he played in jin zixuan and jiang yanli's deaths, and therefore thinks he does not have the right to defend himself against jiang cheng's rage on the same issue.

but wei wuxian is still upset and still wishes to rebut jiang cheng's fury. therefore, "defending lan wangji" becomes an excuse for wei wuxian, a pretext to find issue with jiang cheng's arguments and therefore fight back. it's somewhat similar to when someone writes an incredibly effective counterargument to your post, so you hyperfocus on mocking them for a spelling error instead: you can't think of a way to properly rebut their rebuttal, so you jump on the first thing that gives you an excuse to disagree with them and poke holes in their argument. wei wuxian believes (accurately or not) that he does not have the right to defend himself against jiang cheng; however, he is fully justified in defending lan wangji from jiang cheng, which gives him an excuse to argue back when jiang cheng insults wei wuxian.

this is evidenced by the fact that, in the ancestral hall scene, wei wuxian does not defend wen ning from jiang cheng at all. jiang cheng also gives wei wuxian shit for "let[ting] the Wen dog wander around in front of our gates," but wei wuxian just fully lets that comment slide in favor of defending only lan wangji. while this could be because lan wangji is present to hear jiang cheng say this while wen ning is not, for me, another reason comes to mind as well: in wei wuxian's mind, wen ning is also involved, however tangentially, in the deaths of jin zixuan and jiang yanli. wei wuxian's guilt extends to encompass wei ning as well. therefore, wei wuxian feels that he also does not have the right to defend wen ning from jiang cheng. it is only lan wangji out of the three people jiang cheng insults that wei wuxian has the right to defend, because lan wangji alone was not involved in the jiang family tragedy of wei wuxian's first life.

also, it was wei wuxian who first escalated a verbal confrontation into a physical one.

regarding the golden core transfer scene.....first, i find it absolutely hilarious that wen ning of all people spilled the beans to jiang cheng, and got so mad about it to boot. king, you helped operate on him. king, you helped lie to him about it. king, there is no shortage of things you have the full right to be angry with sect leader jiang about, but him believing the lies you actively chose to tell him and not figuring out that you were lying is not one of them. as someone else put it, one person between wen ning and jiang cheng had a free and active hand in removing wei wuxian's core and putting it into jiang cheng, and that person was not jiang cheng. wen ning helping violate jiang cheng's bodily autonomy and then weaponizing said nonconsensual surgery later in an argument against the same jiang cheng is kind of crazy to me, honestly.

imo (and i'm stealing from an analysis i read somewhere), wen ning was this harsh about the golden core reveal despite being one of the surgeons who nonconsensually operated on jiang cheng and then lied to him about it for similar reasons as i described for wei wuxian above. wen ning is also deeply angry with jiang cheng for a lot of things: jiang cheng repeatedly calls him a "thing" and kicks him around like he isn't a human being; jiang cheng also led the first siege of the burial mounds, which killed all save one of wen ning's family members. that is a completely reasonable thing to be mad about. but wen ning, having seen firsthand the wrongdoings of qishan wen, probably has a guilt complex of sorts about being a wen; more importantly, he feels incredibly guilty about his "role" in killing jin ling's father. therefore, wen ning probably does not feel he has the right to defend himself from jiang cheng.

but deep down wen ning is still angry. he is still incredibly angry with jiang cheng for the things jiang cheng did to wen ning. and, while wen ning may not feel like he has the right to defend himself from jiang cheng, defending wei wuxian from jiang cheng is a different matter. in wen ning's eyes, wei wuxian did no major wrong and always had good intentions. therefore, jiang cheng has no right to be angry with wei wuxian. therefore, if wen ning absolutely wrecks jiang cheng's shit defending wei wuxian (and not wen ning himself), then wen ning would be entirely justified.

second - and my thoughts on this haven't fully baked yet - there's this undercurrent in both the golden core transfer scene and the guanyin temple scene that, because wei wuxian gave jiang cheng his core, jiang cheng does not have the right to be angry with wei wuxian for the pain wei wuxian's actions caused jiang cheng. that jiang cheng is now permanently indebted to wei wuxian, which therefore voids all of jiang cheng's right to say that wei wuxian hurt him.

i don't like this undercurrent. i don't like this idea at all. if someone - even accidentally - caused you a lot of pain, the fact that they also once sacrificed themself for you does not negate the pain they caused you. you should be grateful for what they did for you, but that doesn't mean you no longer have a right to your pain.

to flip the script, jiang cheng in reality also sacrificed himself for wei wuxian: he only lost his golden core to begin with because he drew that wen patrol away from wei wuxian. it is factually correct to say that, were it not for jiang cheng, wei wuxian would very likely be dead. but if anyone were to say: "jiang cheng once sacrificed himself for wei wuxian, meaning that wei wuxian owes his life to jiang cheng; therefore, wei wuxian does not have the right to be angry with jiang cheng for the first siege of the burial mounds," that would be fucking stupid. because that's not how it works.

i hold this to be true even though there is a cause-and-effect relationship between each person's sacrifice and their later actions. wei wuxian not having a golden core explains a lot of his later lying and other behavior, and jiang cheng having been tortured because he saved wei wuxian in turn explains a lot of his later resentment and other behavior as well. but neither of their fates were set in stone. both of them still had free will and still could have made different decisions afterwards.

the above is all a lot of blaming, refutation of blaming, and morality wank, so here are some assorted non-morality opinions:

the gift of the magi esque dual-sacrifice wei wuxian and jiang cheng pulled for each other is my favorite part of the story. like holy shit.

wen ning did phrase the golden core reveal to be as hurtful as possible. i find the idea of a sacrifice performed out of love and care for the recipient later being weaponized against that same recipient to be a very interesting idea.

wei wuxian absolutely did not give up his golden core out of only a sense of duty. there was quite a lot of duty, obligation, and guilt (spurred on by jiang fengmian and yu ziyuan's last words to him) mixed into his reasons, but i think wei wuxian gave his golden core to jiang cheng because he loved jiang cheng and didn't want to watch jiang cheng suffer.

jiang cheng, meanwhile, led the wen patrol away and thus got captured in place of wei wuxian purely because he loved wei wuxian. in doing so, he specifically failed his duty to his dead parents, his ancestors, and his sect.

wei wuxian's internal narration about how he later conceptualized the golden core transfer as "his duty to the jiang" is interesting because it is written to be a post-hoc justification. as in, he came up with those reasons and that line of thinking after he already gave up his golden core, and was trying to make the outcome acceptable to himself.

jiang cheng postcanon is in a position to start healing. this take is also stolen from an analysis i read somewhere else, but the one question that's been cooking jiang cheng for the past 13 years is Why. why did wei wuxian do all that? did wei wuxian ever truly care about him, about his family, or was wei wuxian lying from the start? wei wuxian consistently accomplishes the impossible, so how could wei wuxian allow this to happen? but now that jiang cheng knows wei wuxian gave his golden core to him, suddenly all these questions have answers. the cause and effect relationship between A and B makes sense now. and now that jiang cheng has answers, he can let the questions stop cooking his brain and begin to heal and move on.

thank you again for the ask and the kind comments!

[arrozaurus]

Hello, hope you're somewhat well. I was wondering if you could possibly explain what the whole deal with bismuth and rose was. To explain, I am confused on why exactly bismuth was wrong with her idea about killing the the diamonds and rose's later response. I remember reading somewhere that the reason that bismuth was wrong with her plans was because a) the diamonds are just too powerful and b) it wouldn't really fix/help anything because the system would still be in place (you'd just have dead dictators). Is that correct? And so why did rose later on do somewhat of what bismuth wanted if she (assuming here) knew it wouldn't work? Pink would be dead, but the system not at all dismantled. Please explain as if you were speaking to a really dumb person (me)

Thanks for this question. I know it's been sitting for a while in the inbox but I didn't forget, I just think that I should leave this macerate... because? that's a complicated question??? you're not dumb at all.

I think that you're conflating perspectives here: what the story is trying to tell, morally, with how the characters feel and do and where they morally position themselves regardless of the story. The first corresponds with your first question: why Bismuth's plan was wrong (in the sense that it was flawed, not necessarily inmoral--though it is). And the second question corresponds with what pertains the characters inside the narrative.

Objectively, Bismuth's plan was not going to be succesful, and it would've been a mistake in the future. We know this because... Rose went in with the idea, she carried it out. She killed Pink Diamond and it changed nothing about the situation. Homeworld's status quo, its hierarchy and its system, remained unchanged, but moreso it created an earthquake, a trauma, on the landscape that reverberated back on the crystal gems.

I want to say that this is normal. It's a plan that is blotchy, messy and runs on a very emotionally charged motivation. Bismuth was right on feeling this way, these emotions are admirable and also very valid. But having the right feelings does not mean that things are going to go the way you expect and the way you want to.

Let's look at what the story says about this: Steven Universe is a medium that sits on the belief that justice must be restorative in order to be justice. Punishment, vengeance, other contemptious actions are always unwarranted under this principle, because they're not considered useful to actually amend the hurtful situation and are in fact almost always counter productive to mitigating the injustice. Hurts keeps going because we keep hurting each other back.

There are several examples were this statement particularly stands out in the show, most notably Steven in Homeworld Bound when he shows resentment towards the Diamonds, perceiving injustice for the trauma they directly caused on him and feeling vengeful at this injustice. This is portrayed as wrong. It's okay to have feelings on the matter but if you want to kill someone that is actually already trying to fix their wrongdoings, the story says, you're the one that is going too far and the one that needs help.

Bismuth is another example because she also has resentment towards the Diamonds (for a completely good reason!) and wants to revenge her friends and free everyone by getting rid of the only thing that seems to be perpetuating that. While the way Rose acted is unfair and kind of cruel? , Bismuth's plan is never warranted by the story because it collides with this principle of restorative justice.

Parenthesis, part of the reason Bismuth hates the Diamonds so much is that she's been swallowing everything Rose had been saying about them. Rose comes from a place of self hate and she's particularly harsh on Pink Diamond when she talks about them with the CGs. We could talk about how she uses this to cope with her own inner critic and to find what feels to her like an honest response to her inexcusable behavior, but maybe not here.

Moving on to why Rose follows through despite disagreeing with that plan... I think she doesn't, necessarily, disagree on the plan of Killing Pink Diamond. I think that's a possibility although we cannot know for sure. What she's definitely against is the weapon. She doesn't think it's right. And I think it makes perfect sense when you think about her background and her feelings on the matter of destruction: she has the core belief that her nature is inherently destructive and she's deeply ashamed of it, she wishes to make it disappear, to not reproduce that destructive nature ever again.

There is some complex trauma around it that gets triggered when Bismuth shows her the breaking point. She had swore to never hurt anyone ever again but here it is the most Crystal Gem of all telling her that she created a weapon of (at the time) irreversible destruction... As irreversible as Volley's scar. How is she not going to feel responsible for this, after all she created the Crystal Gems, and how is she not going to feel contempt at someone who wants and seeks to do something like this to someone else?

Who says they wouldn't use this weapon against any other gems too? I don't know, I think Rose simply didn't want to get more gems hurt so horribly. Which is not incompatible with killing "herself".

One thing is that Rose is not aware of the impact this action will have when she decides to go through with it. She's under the impression that she's utterly irrelevant and that no one on Homeworld will miss her if she were to be gone (and I don't think she can truly believe it even after that, since she does it a second time).

I think that the major catalyst to this decision for sure was what Blue told her in Can't Go Back. Immediately, she believes the words, fixates on them. Earth will be a colony for as long as she's there to rule. And materializes the idea in her mind. For as long as she's there. If she's not Pink Diamond anymore, if she gives up her status and kills this part of herself, Earth will be free and the war will end. And everyone will be free. She will be free.

With this comes the second and last realization, Rose’s goals killing Pink Diamond were never about dismantling the system. Not because she's conservative, that'd be absurd, it's just that she simply does not believe that she's capable of that at all (out of feelings of powerlessness). She thinks reedeeming the system is impossible, and therefore the only solution is to escape the system and create a new solar punk anarchist utopia outside of it.

[kass-storycorner]

Mentally I’m getting worse again (tho I try to do all the stuff I learned from two years in therapy to … prevent it from getting bad bad ), so I’ve only been thinking about how some of the Genshin characters would comfort me? So here have this, whatever this is, that I wrote at 2am on a night before I have 11am shift at work. Using you in all of this but honestly this is 100% self indulgent. I just want someone to cuddle with. Pretty sure most of this isn’t really in character and every point is vastly different from the others but hey, it is what it is. As long as I’m in my current mindset my stuff won’t be any better than this

Genre: fluff, a bit of angst I guess idk man, comfort i hope

Content warnings: depression (?) I don’t go too much into detail, don’t want to write out those negative thoughts HA but you know you are just not in a good spot in these, absolutely inconsistent writing, every character has to deal with a different stage of feeling depressed and yeah

Characters: Diluc, Childe, Albedo, Yoimiya

Fun fact: my app crashed while writing this so thank the tumblr admins that you can restore posts you wrote after the app crashes one of the few good features of the app

Diluc:

Would definitely notice the first small changes in your behaviour, but wouldn’t think much of it in the beginning.

Maybe you are just tired? And even if not Diluc knows best that no one can always be chipper.

Still he doesn’t know how to act around you when you are sad / heading towards a depressive episode.

He would offer you his help, you just need to say what you need and he’ll give it to you.

Ah, but Diluc didn’t really consider at first that you would be too afraid to ask, even when he offered it to you.

One day he will directly ask you in the privates of your home if you are okay. At first you would try to brush it off, not wanting to be a burden on Diluc. You know how much he’s been through and that he also has his emotional scars… would be a bit selfish to dump it all onto him, wouldn’t it?

But oh, you’ve been dying to talk with someone about your feelings, craving a warm hug and words of comfort… so when Diluc doesn’t drop the topic you just let it all out.

He will take you in his arms and hug you, cuddle you, as long as you want. He’ll stroke your hair, quietly listening to your words, only small “mmmhs” and “it’s okay” leaving him, to reassure you that it’s fine for sharing it all.

When none of you talks all you can hear is his steady breath and oh, it’s so soothing.

Maybe you end up crying, while sharing all of it with him. All he does is to pull you closer into his chest, saying that it’s okay and tell you to let it all out.

Diluc hides his softer side from the people of Mondstadt, always hiding behind the more grumpy image some of him have, but he knows that it’s not good to run away from your own feelings. What you need to do is to feel them, do not try to push them aside because you are uncomfortable with them.

Generally he would be soft, kind and understanding. At first he might give you too much room, afraid he might be overstepping a boundary when he keeps pushing you in the beginning. Ends up in you isolating yourself / pulling away more, but once Diluc sees the pattern he will be more attentive to your needs and learn to differentiate between you needing space and you isolating.

Though please communicate with him better, he’s busy and if him having less time for you causes you distress you need to tell him, he might only notice it after the feelings festered.

Childe:

Oh boy - he hasn’t seen you in a while, Fatui duties you know, so when he knocks on your door one day he notices immediately that you are not in a good place.

This man - he cooks, he cleans, we all joke about him being the perfect husband but seriously. He sees the state of you, the state of your apartment and immediately helps.

Having spend the last week or two in a depressive state caused you to neglect your housework - the dirty dishes are everywhere and laundry keeps piling up. Not to talk about how you look.

Childe will make you a bath and while you’re in it he cleans. An immense help!!! Taking away a good chunk of thinks that made you feel just so overwhelmed and helpless.

The whole time he wouldn’t breach the topic of why it has come to that point, but now after you finished the bath and the apartment looks liveable again he asks you what’s wrong.

Honestly you don’t know yourself, you’ve been just lacking more and more energy to do the basic tasks and suddenly everything was a mess.

Will wipe away your tears and tell you “don’t cry, I’m here”, taking you in a hug.

When he’s around more, will he notice it when it slowly gets worse? Mmh, yeah!! He definitely notice when you are feeling more down, seeing how your interactions change and how your laughs become more forced.

In the beginning he will just try to make you feel all the “positive” feelings, not wanting you to feel any “negative” emotions at all

this man definitely represses his own trauma a lot and has a horrible way of coping with it so I doubt he would be the most emotionally intellectual person to help you through it

Though when you show that you don’t feel like showing your sadness aside and you just want someone to share it with / need some comfort he will adjust to your needs

Albedo:

Boy as impeccable observation skills, he will notice immediately when something is off.

However - he somehow struggles to understand your feelings. Like. At all.

When he asks you what’s wrong and you tell him that there is not a reason for your feelings, you just feel a bit depressed that’s all, he will not get it.

How do you feel a certain emotions without something causing it? There must be a reason for it.

And honestly he’s right there is always a reason for a certain feeling to arise, but sometimes they aren’t easy to understand for yourself or to spot, sometimes it’s just that your inner child needs a hug and it takes you three weeks and a metal breakdown to understand that this is all you needed… plus a good cry

He’s gonna be so awkward at trying to comfort you, making you feel better, at first. Trying everything out to cheer you up, he really doesn’t want you to feel bad. Asks around for advice what helps others when they are sad.

Honestly? The things he does, the small presents he gifts you - they are nice and make you feel loved, but it doesn’t make the bad feelings go away. Even worse it somehow builts up this immense pressure for you to get better quick because look! Albedo does nice things, he tries to help. He tries to figure it out. Why can’t you give him the results he hopes to get???

Only when someone (Timadeus for sure) finally tells Albedo that it’s not a special dish or flower or even place that helps with sad feelings - it’s that they remind them of something that’s comforting. Klee told him Dodoco helps when she’s sad, because Dodoco reminds her how much her mum loves her. So when people told him about certain foods or flowers - it was more because those were valuable for those individuals, doesn’t mean it has value to you. Most importantly is that he’s just there for you.

With that new bits of information he will try to adjust to your needs more, to learn what you need and to understand it.

He will be so upfront about it too, coming into your room and telling you that he’s been trying to make you feel better the past couple of weeks and noticing how your mood has not improved at all. Finally asks you what you need opposed to him only having asked why you feel that way

Will definitely make you cry with how he approaches the topic. When he apologises for making you cry you cry even harder at how soft he says it.

Albedo will remember what he was told, that it’s important to just be there for someone, so he will stay at your side, his hand on your back rubbing it while you are just sobbing.

After the tears have calmed down you can just be honest with him, tell him that you sometimes don’t know yourself what will make it better, that sometimes you just have to life with the feelings and accept them - but that his attempts really didn’t help.

He will apologise for putting more pressure on you, asking if you need a hug (something a lot of people have told him helps them but he was just to shy to actually try it out). After saying yes you both stay for a long time in the hug, the first thing in a long time to make you feel better.

Yoimiya:

My love, the light of my life, my future main - she would be SO good at helping you through an episode.

Notices the way you act towards her changes and immediately confronts you about it, afraid that something in the relationship is amiss until you tell her the truth that you are a bit depressed.

Canonically the one with the best communication skills, if you were to put her, Diluc and Kaeya in a room I’m 1000% sure those two would leave it as brothers again.

That said she can sometimes be a bit too overwhelming - she can talk a lot, but she’s a good listener too, but in her attempt to fix the issue she goes a bit overboard.

She’ll want you to talk it all out which isn’t a bad thing per se, but sometimes you just don’t feel like talking or that talking would help.

However the way Yoimiya is it will make you communicate with her more about how you feel and what you need - she kinda just seems to be more approachable and the kind of person you can pour my heart out to after meeting her on the toilets of a bar.

Will cuddle you as long as you need.

And honestly? 100% sure she would even make you a firework to cheer you up that you both watch from her favourite spot on a blanket while doing so (the cuddling!)

or you know maybe it’s just what I would really want to do with her when I’m depressed aka RIGHT NOW MAN

[takaraphoenix]

Ship game!! What about Nico and Will?? It’s pretty popular, but I don’t think I’ve seen you write much of it…

That's an interesting one in that I have vocalized my reasons for disliking it way back when it first became popular but instead of just linking that, it has been years so I think it's time for an updated version.

Firstly: This post is gonna be properly tagged and not crosstagged so if any shipper comes across it and feels the need to bitch about it, just don't; your lack of curating your own tumblr experience is not my problem! ;D

Now, there are three key factors that play into my dislike of this ship: How it was written, what it represents, how the fandom around it acts.

1. It’s rushed and uncomfortable

In BoO, it was incredibly rushed. They had literally five sentences of interactions before they walked into the literal sunset together. Five. It was just entirely born from Riordan's Noah's Ark Complex, where he just can't let people be single. The series was ending and he needed Nico to have an endgame so he rushed into some random romance with zero build-up.

The way their interactions went down was also severely uncomfortable for me. Will was acting so offended by Nico not wanting to go to camp and be friends in an entitled way that he had no right to be, he downright guilt-tripped Nico about how he had wanted to be friends. Nico has been just so severely traumatized at such a young age and his coping mechanism, as unhealthy as it was, was to run away and hide. Will acted like Nico not wanting to form attachments to people who could potentially leave him again was somehow just an Edgy Emo Decision and not a direct reaction to his trauma. His entire approach to Nico was basically all these hippie posts of "Don't have depression!! Just go out into the sun and stop being depressed!", which is already a bad take with non-medical people but he's supposed to be a doctor (and let's not get into the shadiness of him technically being Nico's doctor).

There is also an inherent "I can fix him" angle to this ship and to me, only few ship dynamics are more uncomfortable than that. If you want to fundamentally change a person's behavior and personality, you... don't actually want to be with this person.

Now, here's where my points overlap, because the following parts of their writing that bothers me also stand for what this ship fundamentally represents.

2. Solangelo is a queer ship written by and for straights

I'm a queer woman and as a queer woman, I want queer wish-fulfillment, not what straights want out of queerness. I'm kind of tired of that, I've been sitting through it for enough decades now. That's, of course, not to say that no straight writer can give proper queer representation, but far too often do straight writers - even the most well-meaning ones - project straight desires of queerness into their queer representation.

Let me explain that closer through this ship.

Nico's been in love with Percy for years and I'm going to do my best to not hijack this post with some Percico agenda; that's not what this his about, this isn't some "my ship is better than your ship" ship-war nonsense. It's simply a canonical fact that Nico has had romantic feelings for another character for years.

A character who, in this medium, is heterosexual. And if you're queer, you've been there. In love with your straight best friend. It's a cliche, but it's a cliche for a reason.

We have also all been well-meaningly rejected by said straight friend.

And here's the straight desires for you: The queer person who was in love with a straight person just immediately stops having those feelings and will then as quickly as possible fall in love with the next queer person they meet to be happy and no longer uncomfortably in love with a straight person, because that thought makes the straights uncomfortable.

Queer wish-fulfillment would be for Percy to return those feelings, for the queer character to get his first love, to not be rejected. That thing queer teens always dreamed about for themselves.

Aside from the wish-fulfillment angle, the pacing is another problem. Let me repeat, Nico was in love for years. But a five sentence conversation with Will once causes a crush on Will and we see him physically turn away from Percy and toward Will just immediately to rebound and actually fall out of love with Percy and in love with Will. Anyone who's ever been unlucky in love will attest to just how unrealistic and ridiculous the pacing here is.

It's also straight queerness in another respect; Nico has been the first ever queer character we meet in that world. He loves a straight guy - and to get over that, we introduce the second queer character. Because heaven forbid there are multiple queers to pick from. No, in straight-written queer romances, there is always that one main queer and then they introduce a second one and the two just immediately hit it off and develop a romance like all a queer person needs to form attraction to someone is the confirmation that the other person shares your sexuality.

Also the notable gay guy on gay guy ship here, whereas the more queer-wish-fulfillment option would have also included more nuance to the queer experience, because Percy doesn't have to be heterosexual just because he has only been with girls so far. It's a very old-fashioned - think 90s and early 2000s - kind of straight-written queerness that there are only exactly two homosexuals and that those two homosexuals then pair up.

And, listen, I'm not immune to these outdated straight-written queers entirely, I have many such ships that I grew up with that I am still fond of because they were groundbreaking at that time and they weren't outdated yet back when they happened in said 90s and early 2000s. I am however a grown woman now and just like I have grown, so has queer rep so I am not as easily baited into falling onto my knees in gratitude for canon rep. You have to go with the times. And this ship, by all that is given to us, is just entirely outdated straight-written rep.

Which, I mention earlier that even straight-written rep can be good. If the author tries. Riordan doesn't really try though; he does the bare minimum when he writes any of his rep - and there have been many, many more qualified voices being very vocal about his depiction of people of color and, as a woman, I've been vocal about his depiction of women. I don't want to derail this post with all of that, but I do think that it bears mentioning that Riordan doing rep but only doing a bare minimum and not putting in the necessary work to deepen the representation he wants to give is a repeating pattern that has been pointed out many times by now.

(I’d also like to point out that no, it is not just the ship and not just the listed instances that make it straight-written rep for straights. It’s Nico’s entire queer arc, starting with his forced coming out. A severely traumatizing event that is completely brushed over because the straight author doesn’t understand the impact this has on queer people. Not to mention the framework; Nico’s coming out isn’t Nico’s story, it happens in Jason’s POV, it is given to us through the POV of the straight bystander who gets to be Best Ally by assuring Nico that being gay is okay. This kind of coming out is not a queer wish-fulfillment, it’s a straight wish-fulfillment of getting to be the straight savior, the ally to show the gay the light of acceptance. And, additional to the ridiculous pacing of how fast Nico gets over his love for Percy, Nico also gets over years of internalized homophobia just because of, I don’t know, Jason’s few encouraging words and the fact that Will paid attention to him? For a gay kid who was in the closet all his life, the nonchalant way in which he publicly confessed his crush to Percy at the end made absolutely no sense and was written as basically a joke, finished off with Nico literally high-fiving Percy’s girlfriend despite those two never having seen eye to eye before but this is straight wish-fulfillment so all straights are Super Allies, because that’s the way straights want to see themselves, even though Annabeth has shown before just how jealous she can be and she most definitely wouldn’t go around high-fiving people who confess to her boyfriend. Nothing about Nico’s queer arc in HoO felt natural or queer or satisfying.)

Sure, Solangelo on a surface level is big because it's a canon queer couple in a YA book-series and kudos for that and yay for the kids who get to grow up seeing queers in YA books, but I actually do think that kids growing up with books written in the 2010s shouldn't grow up with 1990s levels of representation, because the 2010s overall are actually at a far more nuanced and better level of representation when it comes to queerness. And I do reserve the right to quit on too straight-written and too outdated queer rep in a landscape where I can get more satisfying representation elsewhere; we don’t live in times anymore where you necessarily have to love every bit of rep because it’s the only one you get.

Now that we've gone through my first two gripes, let's wrap this up with the final point, because it also directly ties into this.

3. The new wave of antis hiding behind this ship

A huge part of the fandom is so busy kissing Riordan's ass solely for giving them queer rep at all they think that both the author and the ship are beyond flawless and that kind of attitude is not good. Just because an author includes rep doesn't make either perfect. Absolutely no one is beyond critique - especially not when said critique comes from the very people the author is representing. And even beyond any "valid" critique on the ship, quite frankly, someone should also be allowed to just not like it, without any reasons given at all.

But there is a certain... protective obsessiveness about this ship that doesn't allow a not liking. Very similar to how PJO bore this mindset around Perc/abeth already. It's okay to have OTPs, even OTPs that you have a blindspot for and just don't want to see any flaws in. It is however not okay to then go around attacking people who don't like the thing and mind their own business.

Solangelo's bred a new generation of antis in this fandom. And, particularly with the fact that this post too receives an "anti" tag, I feel like there needs to be a clarification (because tumblr likes to forget what actually makes an anti). Not liking something doesn't make you an anti, venting in properly tagged posts doesn't either; it's the people who harass others, who seek out the content they dislike to then complain that it even exists and who actively try to make others stop creating for it - those are antis.

And with Solangelo's popularity, there was a high rise in Percico antis, who sought it out, were unnecessarily nasty about it, harrassed creators and tried to enforce some kind of "Solangelo supremacy" that won't allow other ships for the characters.

I've been in fandom long enough to be perfectly aware that not all Solangelo shippers count into this category and that there are completely normal and nice Solangelo shippers, but this is a Venn diagram where the overlap between Solangelo shippers and antis is too large to not widely associate the nasty people with the ship itself. (I've been there myself, shipping the very ship behind which a fandom's antis all hid. The second-hand embarrassment of having these people give the ship a bad name is horrendous and I do feel bad for all the normal Solangelo shippers.)

The more often I encountered these people, who made Percico bad (sometimes in wildly ridiculous manners that bent and deliberately misinterpreted canon) and who in the same breath praised Solangelo high, the more tired I grew of that ship. It's a simple game of association, really. You see that linked to the gross and nasty behavior and you start associating the ship itself with that gross and nasty behavior - and with all the things I said before that already weighed into my dislike of the ship, this just was the final tipping point, really.

And that's it. That sums up why I dislike Solangelo. It was hastily rushed, uncomfortable in its execution, it is outdated rep that very much feels as straight-written as it factually is and it does not feel aimed at me as a queer person but rather at the straight audience and it has gathered a cult following of quite uncomfortable people who on their own would be reason enough to avoid it so you can avoid them.

Send me a ship and I will explain why I do or don't ship it

[satanicspinosaurus]

There's a lot of good stuff in here, but I want to hone in on #2 and specifically say we should differentiate it more from #3 a bit more. (While also linking it a bit with #9). Halsin has changed a lot from EA, especially with the newer patch 5 dialogue for a romp with the drow twins there's been a move from conceptualizing him as leader who went through trauma and overcame it, to someone whose coping methods are just better in an outsider's perspective- because they place less demands on them. (This is also similar to Wyll, who I think is an amazing person for retaining his sense of romanticism and optimism. But while he clearly has issues he deserves the space for, he often isn't given it in the fandom or game.) Some of the lines I am thinking of, it's Halsin's response to Astarion if the player didn't find out he was a vampire. ("It's kind of obvious," in a flat tone.) Or the line set that went around a few days ago if the player tried to demand they be cured instantly. It showed he could resist intimidation, set boundaries (a theme they have kept a bit more into the modern patch Halsin) and be a confident leader when needed. Halsin was somewhat therapist coded, especially when you look at the option they had for him to speak to you about the prism/ Guardian. ["That sounds....novel" is peak therapy speak, IMHO.] I think that path would have also established him as a more active character, and it does seemed to have been very scrapped. Which is a little sad and I think how some people think of him as a himbo. Likewise, his EA line about Kagha ("I will speak with her, I will discipline her and then I will forgive her"- with the emphasis on the last bit) is meant to invoke a very positive style of masculinity.

Somewhere along the way, we see him moving more towards someone who has metaphorically healed a broken bone wrong. He's a leader, but suffering in the position because it came about after the last first druid died. (Interestingly, the scrapped idea of him more causing the SC would make you think he'd be in a worse spot. But hey, you can heal from a lot of things!) We start seeing how he sprinkles in loss, not directly, because he's not allowed to have needs. You learn slowly he's lost his entire family, the 3 years a sex slave, the repeated cpatures, etc. I think those can clearly be labeled traumas. And we get sprinkles of him also being forced into a gendered role of "the big guy". #3 talks about it's downsides for sure. But I would say #2 is more benevolent sexism, and that causes different wounds. I don't think his emotions are being demeaned and mocked. I think they are being ignored because of his size. He's a "bear of an elf"- someone untouchable, fierce, capable. This means he can't be hurt, unsure, vulnerable. Halsin admits to a specific type of maladptive coping. The stress of running the Grove lead him to "gild undeserving memories of his youth", and I think that's inline with this. He can also admit that his life gave him "scant chance for reflection", so I don't think it was a very conscious choice. Rather, I think he saw people placing him in the mantle of someone who was so far past his trauma because of the good qualities and agreed with them. And I think that lines up with his mouse moment! He's never learned to process the 'AND'. If he wants to be good (and oh boy, does he), he must be perfect. Being seen as a complicated person is new to him and I think it's because of this. His size made him invulnerable in many people's eyes, and that's not a good thing in the least. I'm glad he can sense it happens to Karlach too. Ultimately, I do kind of wish Halsin had stayed more in the EA post-healed situation. I think that's a fun thing to have in a game around a lot of trauma. But I do love seeing him earlier in his path. It really shows that kindness isn't something you can beat out of this man in regards to how you treat him. I also will say, that as cruel as the "escaped pet" line is, it is great to see Halsin get to (by his standards, this man cannot self-advocate well) tell you to piss off. And it's fascinating that this becomes the moment he reflects from hosts -> captors. Again, I see this as him breaking away from the benevolent sexism. Large men can and are victims of trauma. (Disclaimer: I'm pretty sure that the dialogue from #2 is one you get from repeatedly breaking up with him. Which is obviously active assholery. But we have so little content of him, I think it fits this concept better.)

Some of my favorite, understated moments with heartbreaking implications for Halsin

1. Halsin threatening to turn into a mouse in the epilogue if the player brags about his achievements- he's so shy and humble that just being acknowledge for LITERALLY BUILDING A COMMUNE HIMSELF makes him want to hide. A mouse is a very symbolic choice here: not only easy to hide, but also easily overlooked and forgotten. The idea of his accomplishments being acknowledged is so terrifying for him that he wants to turn into an animal no one will notice, instead of his usual strong, large, noticeable bear.

2. "Sometimes, I think people look at me and imagine my feelings can't be hurt." This isn't the kind of thing that happens after one or two people act like jerks. This is years and years of cruel treatment, of his emotions being demeaned and mocked because of his size. Of people judging him before even meeting him- and forming an entirely wrong view of him. Halsin is a bighearted, tender, sentimental man, yet because he's big... Well, big people don't have feelings, surely. /s

3. "You and I may struggle to go unnoticed in such environs, Karlach[...] Folk of our stature can be a lure for drunkards seeking a brawl, I have found," combined with, "There is a particular discomfort to besting one you know to be weaker than yourself - even when needs must," from a different scene. People have sought him out and fought him because of his size (which had to have been terrifying, especially the first time), and he feels guilty when he takes out someone he knows is weaker, even if they STARTED it. How many times has the poor guy been traveling and then had to defend himself against someone 1/2 his size, making HIM look like the asshole to onlookers, and reinforcing that whole "people think I can't be hurt" thing?

4. "It was always destined to be so, if we prevailed. But the foreknowledge makes it no less bittersweet..." (About the players' paths diverging post brain battle), combined with "I see... After all my years of living, I know all too well that nothing lasts forever. Yet a parting can sting, nonetheless," if the player breaks up with him in the ending. This poor guy was having the time of his life adventuring with the group (and possibly falling in love there) yet never believed it would truly last (because of his abandonment issues). And then to have it confirmed.... he must have felt so awful in that moment, even if he was being dignified about it.

5. "You came for me... thank you. I feared Orin's accursed smile would be the very last sight I beheld," when Halsin is freed from Orin, combined with, "Orin's blades. I hoped my friends would save me..." If he is killed by Orin instead and Speak With the Dead is used on his corpse. The tone of his voice in the first line, especially added to that bit in the second... he never thought the player was coming to save him. He HOPED they would. Not "believed". Hoped. He thought he was going to die there- just like how he was in the Underdark for THREE YEARS and no one came to save him. And if it's confirmed... Yeah. That. (Sidenote: if you ask his corpse if he has any regrets, he says not telling Thaniel and Oliver goodbye, and not getting to see their land flourish. :( My heart. :( )

6. "I... have not had true confidantes for some time. The Shadow Curse robbed me of almost all my peers, and replaced them with the weight of responsibility. Perhaps that caused me to gild undeserving memories of my youth." Halsin was so miserable and stressed being Archdruid that he romanticized his past as a sex slave, viewing it as a safer, even happier alternative. There were actually times when Halsin thought he might rather be a sex slave than continue to be Archdruid. In a sense, for the 100 years the Shadow Curse was around, Halsin was just as much a prisoner as Thaniel was in the Shadowfell, but Halsin's prison had invisible bars. The Shadow Curse took away his entire support system, and being Archdruid forced him to be the strong one, always, never allowed to be weak or scared, forced him to take control of situations when he hated it, forced him to spend his time sorting out people instead of being in nature. And he was MISERABLE. For 100 years.

7. "You understand me almost perfectly. Only my late mother may have bested you." (Said if you get one question wrong at the love dryad test). He misses his mama. :( Especially when you consider that if you steal Balthazar's "Mother Dearest" and taunt him about it, Halsin disapproves (and is the only one to do so), while returning her gets you approval (which only Halsin approves of). And then the line when you look into a mirror while controlling him, "more like my father, with each passing day..." He really misses them. :(

8. "I am loathe to see anyone behind bars. It reminds me of my time as a guest of the goblins." He is, secretly, still quite traumatized from his time in the goblin pens, but he brushes it off. Just like every OTHER time he is hurt.

9. "I am aware [of having a habit of getting captured]. Perhaps I put too much faith in my skills of negotiation, or want to see good where there is none. It would be easy to resort to nature's fury whenever something stood in my way, yet I cannot help but feel I would be sullying the Oak Father's gifts. Naive perhaps... but I still draw breath." Halsin is aware he gets hurt often because of his desire to see good in people until he has no other choice, but refuses to give up anyway (which is backed up by that letter Gut had on her where she reveals Halsin TRIED to help the goblins, saying he could cure them of their tadpoles, only to be thrown in the cage, with Gut threatening to have his stomach cut open and maggots placed inside it.) Further, even though he is an Archdruid, and one of the most devoted, and explicitly has Silvanus's favor (Halsin says that gaining his favor was the only way he was able to open the portal to the Shadowfell), he still constantly worries about using Silvanus's powers, to the point of wondering if an actual threat to his safety actually merits using his powers. Which... combined with some other stuff, reads like one hell of a problem with self-worth.

10. "At least you were not present. Grim as [the ruined battlefield] is now, it was worse on the day of the battle. A vivid wound upon my memory[...] I was lucky - I lived, when so many did not. It would take me a day and a night to recite the names of all the friends I lost" combined with, "I was [present when the Shadow Curse was unleashed]. Part of my spirit was shorn away from me here, and never left," and, if Last Light falls, "All gone... devoured by the shadows. Oak Father preserve us, it's just like a hundred years ago[...] We are [still standing]. Yet there is a burden to being the survivor... the witness to others' tragedies. It only grows heavier with time." He has so much PTSD and survivor guilt from the Shadow Curse. :( No wonder it's all he can think about- to the point that some of the other companions even get annoyed at him for his obsession.

11. "I never quite realised how burdened I was, until I met you. The threat of the shadow curse, the politics of the grove... I was forgetting who I was, but you lifted the fog. Thank you." Not only does this tie in with the above, with his PTSD from the curse and his utter misery at being Archdruid, but this HEAVILY implies Halsin had depression. Like... that "fog" line hits HARD if you have or have had depression, because that's exactly what it feels like. And the "forgetting who I was" bit too. Not just losing his sense of self to the depression, but to the neverending responsibilities of being Archdruid. I keep repeating myself, but damn, this guy has really and truly spent an entire century being absolutely MISERABLE. :(

12. "Forgive me. I... lost the run of myself. Sometimes, if blood runs hot enough, it's difficult to tame the beast." With that little disgusted groan/sigh, the fury and disgust at himself visible on his face, and the way he rushes to get out the rest of it- he thinks he fucked up so badly that you're about to leave him, maybe forever. And then if you reject him after this? "Ah... I see. Well, of course. Back to camp then." He has the most heartbroken look on his face here, and the way he says "of course" like he just... knew this was coming the instant he accidentally wildshaped. He felt that the first time he let ANY of his imperfections show, the player would leave him. :(

13. "Death is nature's final slumber - it awaits us all. Do not punish yourself over those lost, or give in to despair - not while there are still folk in need of your help." (Said to a Dark Urge if they tell him they're not much of a hero and most people needing them end up dead) Not only is Halsin speaking from experience here, but it's very clear he is STILL doing exactly what he tells Durge not to do, to himself- punishing himself over those who were lost, struggling with devastating survivor guilt.

14. "The grove has cut itself off from the world, to jealously guard its own little pocket of nature. No one shall ever enter or leave again. And I have been evicted from the very place I was charged to safeguard. A telling summary of my time as Archdruid, perhaps..." If the Grove is sealed and you ask him about it later, this is what he says. Interesting that he views being evicted from the place he was in charge of protecting to be a "telling summary." He was forced to take the leadership role there, and yet it was clear he wasn't wanted or respected by a great number of the Druids (exempting Nettie, Rath, and Apikusis). He got a truly thankless job that took damn near EVERYTHING from him emotionally/mentally, causing him to develop depression and causing him to backslide in his previous healing from his trauma from his time as a sex slave, he still gave EVERYTHING to the Grove, and in return...... almost none of his Druids appreciated or even liked him. (I could seriously write at least five metas about how obviously miserable Halsin was at the Grove, despite caring for it deeply).

15. "You could have done anything, gone with anyone... yet you chose me." Said at the epilogue to a solo romanced player who went to the commune with him. There's so many layers of heartbreak here. He is still surprised, six months later, that the player chose him. He even thinks the player will regret it, and will decide they want an adventurer's life after all after seeing everyone else. He doesn't think he is good enough- doesn't think he deserves the player, and yet at the same time he loves them so much that he is heartbroken over the possibility they might agree with him. He thinks that given a chance, there is little chance they would actually choose him again. (He is put at ease quickly when the player promises they picked him for a reason, but even the explanation he gives for why he was so worrie is heartbreaking- that he's so used to a tumultuous life that he thinks something must go wrong. He has been so traumatized so many times over the years that he just has almost no ability to think that true happiness is possible [or deserved] for him.) Something about that is just heartbreaking, even though his ending is one of the happiest of any of the companions.

Someone give this sweet bear man a hug, please :(