#how to avoid imposter syndrome

[girl4music]

This is why Willow Rosenberg is such an important character in ‘Buffy the Vampire Slayer’ and why she’s so relatable and resonatable. Imposter syndrome may not be the only mental condition she has but it is arguably the first one she has - which means that every other stems from it and is manifested because of it. Power corruption, addiction, repressed sadism, consent issues, OCD, anxiety disorders,… the lot.

All of it is informed by her simply believing like she doesn’t belong and doesn’t deserve and isn’t worthy. This condition is a problem for her right from the start of the show. In her very first interaction with Buffy she is already in that state of mind where her extremely poor self esteem is informing everything she does and says about herself, about other people, about the world and her involvement in it. She doesn’t have any friends besides Xander and the soon-to-be-dead Jesse. Xander is also someone who is viewed as a geek and a loser and so she feels comfortable with him. She knows that she belongs in his friend group. But as soon as Buffy comes along - it’s a different story because she comes along with Cordelia. The most popular girl at Sunnydale High and her bully. Before Willow knows anything about Buffy being the Slayer she already automatically understands that Buffy is off-limits and she has no right to be around her. Internalizing her geek and loser status as “wrong” for her. And so when Buffy comes up to her and asks her for help later, Willow just thinks she wants her to move. That she wants her to disappear so she can sit in her space. She already and immediately thinks that Buffy is “someone” and she isn’t. She is just nothing.

When they become friends at the end of the episode and she is now following her around and being her “Slayerette” she makes herself useful to her however way she can. But the feelings of doubt that she actually cares about her and wants to be her friend still linger. And they linger all the way up until we get a proper look-in to her mind in Season 4 with ‘Restless’. In her dream we are privy to things we wouldn’t ever be otherwise. The way she truly thinks and feels about herself and everyone else. The way she perceives of herself and everyone else. She’s not the heroine that saves the day. She’s the damsel in distress. She’s the helpless victim. She’s not the one everybody relies on. She’s the one everybody stares and laughs at. She’s the one exposed for being nothing at all. She’s just a sham, a fraud, an imposter. She’s just playing a role.

This condition is never resolved in her arc in the show even though it’s an on-going condition right up until the very end of it. Willow’s arc is never fully concluded. She has a good endgame. Don’t get me wrong. I really did like what they did with it. Had her settle with being the “BIG GUN” only by activating all the Potentials. I thought it was good. But it wasn’t enough. That big gaping hole of where and why her insecurities and anxieties started was never addressed properly and therefore not explored to make her endgame earned. Willow’s initial and foundational condition was imposter syndrome and because they didn’t address and explore this, then ‘Light Willow’ or whatever THAT Willow was was just a symbol and not an evolution.

The thing about the condition of imposter syndrome is that the person is never an actual imposter. It’s just that they believe that they are and it only affects their whole life because they believe it. It’s a self-corruption and self-sabotage. It is a mental condition. It doesn’t exist in external and objective reality. It’s made up. And it’s true, people can become the worst of people because of that of which they believe of themselves. They can destroy their whole life - their relationships, their environment, their well being - because of it. But the honest truth of it is that it is not real. And if it is not real than it is not you… Because you are real. You exist. You are an external and objective existence. You can only do the best you can in the moment. Let go of control and let somebody else carry you for a change. There’s nothing wrong with you other than what you let be wrong with you. Other than what you believe is.

[cerullos]

genuinely thrown by all of this. is drag an inherently binaristic artform? what knowledge do we have of chappell’s own gender to confidently make the call that her methods of engaging w/ drag culture only “count” if she dresses as a drag king?

chappell has publicly expressed that she is doing drag (or attempting to, apparently-ymmv) and this conversation does seem to enforce the idea that when (presumed!) women do drag, their efforts are subjected to greater scrutiny by others in the community because why do multiple aesthetic hallmarks of drag amount to “drag inspiration” on chappell when they would most likely be accepted as drag on a gay man? not being facetious here, i truly don’t understand

[thejolteonmastertj]

BOTW Link was always a crossdresser confirmed. 😂

[leyyvi]

Doing cons has made me realize I could never be a creative as a career dncjvjdjdjcjfjf

[wander-wren]

[thinking about fics to write bc i havent had a new one in ages] yknow what i need in the world. i need some rep for people who can instantly shut down their mental breakdown if the wrong person walks into the room

[a-place-to-exist]

when i'm on dissociatumblr i'm fine with talking about DID with people and stuff but when i'm like in the wild and someone with DID appears i get like. Irrational anxiety and I don't even know why. There's this person who I'm pretty sure has C-DID and everytime I see them my body goes WUUUUH WUUUUUH we are in danger and it's a shame bc we could be friends

[cazshmere]

Lilith (h12) / Mean Lilith in the Houses and What We Feel Ashamed Of 🥀

materialist🔖

DISCLAIMER: These are just my personal observations and are meant for entertainment purposes only; it may not resonate with everyone due to the nuances of astrology. Please respect my work and avoid copying or stealing it. Enjoy reading!! (long post ahead)

🥀 LILITH IN THE 1ST HOUSE : feeling ashamed about your appearance, your personality, how you present yourself to the world, feeling insecure about your face, shying away from social events, embarrassed about how you act in social situations, fear of being perceived as 'too much' so prefers to stay in the background, sometimes embarrassed for using your body/physical appearance to get the things you want, feeling ashamed about self-expression, embarrassed for needing validation or attention from others, constant fear of being scrutinized or judged, feeling guilty for standing out or being bold, ashamed of the attention their natural magnetism attracts, fear of being seen as selfish for prioritising yourself and your own needs and desires, might struggle with imposter syndrome, feeling undeserving of your accomplishments or afraid that others will see through your facade, tendency to overthink how you come across to others, leading to excessive self-doubt and anxiety about first impressions, ultimately hindering your ability to be authentic and true to yourself in various situations.

🥀 LILITH IN THE 2ND HOUSE : feeling ashamed about how you derive your self-worth or validation, ashamed of your finances or the way you accumulate your income, ashamed of how greedy you can get when you want something, feeling ashamed for being too lazy, embarrassed about how much comfort you desire, ashamed with how you spend your money or how much you end up spending, feeling guilty about shopping too much or indulging in luxuries, feeling guilty for placing too much value on material possessions, ashamed of relying on material wealth or status for self-esteem, embarrassed by the need for external validation through possessions or financial success, feeling guilty for being too possessive or overly attached to things, shame around fear of financial instability, even when secure, and embarrassed by needing excessive comfort or luxury to feel secure.

🥀 LILITH IN THE 3RD HOUSE : feeling ashamed about sibling rivalry or competition, embarrassed by how often you curse or use foul language, ashamed of having negative or intrusive thoughts, feeling guilty about being too opinionated or outspoken, ashamed of struggling with communication or expressing your true feelings, feeling insecure about your intellect or how you articulate yourself, feeling embarrassed by being misunderstood or judged for your ideas, ashamed of gossiping or engaging in idle chatter, and feeling guilty for harboring resentment towards others in your close circle, embarrassed about the neighbourhood you live in, embarrassed about the vehicle you drive or the transport you use to commute.

🥀 LILITH IN THE 4TH HOUSE : feeling ashamed about your family dynamics or family background, embarrassed by your mother’s behavior or choices, feeling insecure about where you live or the condition of your home, ashamed of your roots or where you come from, feeling guilty about wanting to distance yourself from family expectations, feeling embarrassed about your private space or personal sanctuary, ashamed of your emotional vulnerabilities or how you express feelings at home, feeling guilty for wanting more than what your family can offer, feeling insecure about how your upbringing shapes your identity, feeling like the black sheep of the family, and feeling guilty for being different from the rest of your family, can even feel embarrassed about crying in front of others.

🥀 LILITH IN THE 5TH HOUSE : feeling ashamed about your dating history or past relationships, embarrassed by your romantic choices or how you express love, feeling guilty for not being able to commit or for being perceived as a flirt, ashamed of your hobbies or interests if they seem childish or trivial, feeling insecure about your creative pursuits or the way you express yourself artistically, feeling embarrassed about seeking validation through attention or admiration, ashamed of your playful side and how it might be viewed as immature, feeling guilty for prioritizing fun and pleasure over responsibilities, feeling uncomfortable with how your personality might overshadow others in social or creative settings, and feeling ashamed of overindulgence in addictions such as gambling, substance use, or alcohol, often leading to feelings of regret and self-blame for losing control.

🥀 LILITH IN THE 6TH HOUSE : feeling ashamed of your body or how you perceive your physical appearance, embarrassed by your work ethic or how you manage your responsibilities, feeling guilty for not working hard enough or for procrastinating, ashamed of how you spend your time or how it reflects on your productivity, feeling overly concerned about health and fitness, often leading to obsessive thoughts about diet or exercise, germophobic and ashamed of your fear of germs or dirt, feeling insecure about your daily routines and how they compare to others, feeling guilty for not taking care of your mental health or neglecting self-care, feeling uncomfortable about your ability to balance work and personal life, feeling ashamed of interpersonal dynamics with coworkers, including rivalry or competition, embarrassed about being perceived as a slacker or underperformer in a team environment, feeling guilty for not being a team player or for asserting your individuality too strongly, and feeling anxious about workplace criticisms or how you fit into the office culture.

🥀 LILITH IN THE 7TH HOUSE : feeling ashamed about your relationships and how they reflect on you, embarrassed by how the public perceives you in partnerships, feeling guilty for relying too heavily on others for validation, ashamed of how you act in one-on-one interactions, often feeling insecure or awkward, feeling uncomfortable with confrontations or disagreements in relationships, feeling guilty for having enemies or strained relationships with others, embarrassed about your fashion choices and how they may be judged by others, feeling ashamed of your desire for intense connections while fearing vulnerability, feeling insecure about the balance of power in partnerships, feeling anxious about being seen as too needy or demanding in your relationships, feeling pressured by societal beauty standards and how they affect your self-worth, and struggling with the desire to conform to certain beauty ideals while also feeling rebellious against them, embarrassed about any legal issues that you’ve got into.

🥀 LILITH IN THE 8TH HOUSE : feeling ashamed about the many secrets you keep and how they shape your identity, embarrassed by your sexual partners or choices regarding sex, feeling guilty about your desires or fantasies, ashamed of your struggles with intimacy and vulnerability, feeling insecure about your emotional depth and how it affects relationships, feeling uncomfortable discussing taboo subjects or exploring darker aspects of life, feeling guilty for being drawn to power dynamics in relationships, ashamed of your fascination with death, transformation, or the occult, feeling anxious about your financial entanglements or shared resources with others, feeling like your hidden aspects are too intense or overwhelming for others to understand, feeling ashamed of opening up emotionally due to fears of rejection or betrayal, struggling with feelings of jealousy or possessiveness in intimate relationships, feeling uncomfortable or ashamed of your body, especially in sexual situations, feeling guilty for exploring non-traditional sexual practices or desires that might be seen as taboo, being overly analytical about emotional bonds and feeling guilty for questioning their depth, feeling insecure about trusting others, leading to feelings of shame for being suspicious or paranoid, feeling overwhelmed by the fear of losing loved ones, leading to emotional withdrawal, and feeling ashamed if relying on partners for financial support or feeling insecure about financial intimacy, and struggling with attachment issues and finding it hard to release past relationships or experiences.

🥀 LILITH IN THE 9TH HOUSE : feeling embarrassed about your beliefs and values, especially if they differ from those of your peers or family, ashamed of where you studied for university or the subjects you chose to pursue, feeling guilty about your academic achievements or the degree you hold, feeling insecure about your intellectual capabilities or how they compare to others, feeling uncomfortable discussing your travel experiences or lack thereof, feeling ashamed of the places you’ve visited or not visited, feeling anxious about sharing your philosophical or spiritual views, fearing judgment for your perspectives on life or morality, feeling guilty for being too opinionated or outspoken about your beliefs, struggling with a sense of wanderlust while feeling tied down by commitments or responsibilities that prevent exploration, feeling ashamed that others may misinterpret your beliefs or values, feeling insecure about not completing a degree or feeling unworthy of your academic accomplishments, feeling uncomfortable with enjoying or adopting elements from other cultures without fully understanding or respecting them, feeling embarrassed about not having traveled enough or not having 'exotic' travel stories to share, feeling ashamed of challenging established beliefs or societal norms, particularly those taught by educators or mentors, feeling uncomfortable or unqualified to share your knowledge or beliefs with others, fearing judgment or rejection, being excessively critical of your own beliefs or ideologies, leading to feelings of confusion or self-doubt, feeling guilty for being too rigid or intolerant in your beliefs while desiring a more open-minded perspective, and feeling ashamed of not measuring up to certain spiritual or philosophical standards set by others.

🥀 LILITH IN THE 10TH HOUSE : feeling embarrassed about who you look up to and your role models, feeling ashamed of your father or the way he acts, feeling insecure about the career you are pursuing, feeling guilty about how you climb the social ladder, feeling uncomfortable about using taboo or unconventional methods to increase your social status, feeling ashamed of your ambitions, fearing judgment from others for perceived superficiality, feeling guilty for being too focused on reputation, feeling overwhelmed by public failures and mistakes, feeling insecure about standing up to authority figures, feeling shame for wanting too much and being perceived as greedy, feeling burdened by the need to curate a specific professional image, feeling guilty for neglecting personal relationships in favor of career aspirations, feeling inadequate in your field and fearing a lack of expertise, feeling embarrassed about choosing non-traditional career paths, feeling overly concerned about public perception of your career choices, fearing being pigeonholed into a specific role, and feeling emotionally detached from your work while struggling with conflicts between personal values and professional obligations.

🥀 LILTH IN THE 11TH HOUSE : feeling embarrassed about your friends and the way you act around them, feeling insecure about your online personality and how you present yourself on social media, feeling ashamed of how you use technology and fearing judgment for your digital habits, feeling guilty for being too obsessed with online gaming or virtual communities, feeling uncomfortable about your interests and hobbies if they are seen as unconventional, feeling anxious about not fitting in with social groups or communities, fearing rejection or criticism from friends, feeling insecure about your contributions to group dynamics or collaborations, feeling overwhelmed by the pressure to conform to social norms within friendships, feeling ashamed of needing validation from peers, feeling guilty for having differing opinions or beliefs from your friend group, feeling hesitant to express your true self in social settings, feeling isolated despite being surrounded by others, as if you don’t truly belong, feeling pressured to engage in activities that don’t align with your values, feeling guilty for resisting peer pressure and worrying about the consequences on your friendships, struggling with the fear of disappointing friends by not living up to their expectations or demands, feeling overwhelmed by the complexities of group relationships, feeling ashamed if your beliefs about social issues don't align with those of your friends or peers, feeling embarrassed about having friends who are considered outsiders, feeling guilty for not keeping up with trends or fads that your friends are engaged in, worrying excessively about how you are perceived online, feeling insecure or jealous about your friends’ success and achievements, feeling pressured to compromise your values to maintain friendships, worrying that others may not view you as reliable or dependable, feeling self-conscious about unique personality traits or habits, and feeling disconnected from others in online communities despite frequent interaction.

🥀 LILITH IN THE 12TH HOUSE : fear of revealing your dreams and subconscious desires, shame around mental illness or struggles with mental health, insecurity about hidden fears or anxieties. guilt around spiritual beliefs or practices, especially if they’re unconventional, fear of being judged for retreating into isolation or needing alone time. overwhelm from emotions that are hard to express, shame around vulnerability and feeling the need to hide your true emotional state. fear of being misunderstood or judged for your inner world, shame about feeling disconnected from reality at times, guilt for engaging in escapist tendencies like drugs, alcohol, or other substances. fear of being perceived as weak for needing solitude or indulging in unhealthy coping mechanisms and addictions. fear of hidden enemies and betrayal, shame around being suspicious of others. insecurity around self-sabotage, feeling guilty for destructive patterns that hold you back. embarrassment about repressed memories or past traumas that surface unexpectedly. fear or shame around having psychic or intuitive abilities, worrying others will think you’re strange. fear of losing control of yourself emotionally or mentally, shame around emotional breakdowns. embarrassment or guilt around belief in past lives or karmic ties. insecurity about helping others or being overly compassionate in secretive ways. fear of hospitalization or institutionalization, and shame around the possibility of needing help in these areas. guilt over unexplained fears, phobias, or anxieties that seem irrational but still affect your life deeply.

banner/pic credits to the rightful owners

© cazshmere 2024 [All Rights Reserved]

[aos-presents]

If you are exhausted and feel that you are experiencing growing pains, you may need to rework your plan, so that you will have the time, energy and mental capacity to keep going

[penvisions]

stages of devotion {away from the city}

Pairing: Tired Dad! Joel Miller x Experienced Camper! Reader

Summary: The neighboring campsite hosts a tired dad who seems to be ill-equipped for what he openly admits was a rather impromptu getaway with his teenage daughter. Thankfully, you keep extra supplies in your hatchback and are willing to share.

Word Count: 4k

Warnings: canon typical language, cussing, brief mention of bleeding injury, sexual tension, pining, mutual pining, fluffiness, super soft yearning, sexual content, adult content, piv, fingering, dirty talk, pet names, depraved descriptions of the male body, just a light little piece for me!

A/N: hoping this isn't as lame as it seems in my head. imposter syndrome is flaring, y'all

ao3 link || series masterlist || navigation || ko-fi

“God dammit.” A deep, gravely voice solemnly murmurs from the next site over. Slightly muffled from inside the tent the broad-shouldered man had dipped into shortly after pulling into the parking spot in a dark blue trunk. He had managed to get it pitched in a miraculously short amount of time despite the giggling and bouncing teen tangling the guy lines and rucking up the corners of the tarp underneath.

“Everything okay, dad?” The teen in question asked as she popped up from the cooler she was digging around in, a can of soda in her grip.

“…yeah, everything’s good, baby girl.” She glanced over at you with a roll of her eyes, not believing him for a second and needing someone to share in the moment. Before she could call him on the obvious lie, a loud hissing sound ruffled the side of the tent, billowing it out in a rather funny way.

Trying to keep your laughter low to avoid attention, you got up from your spot tending to the flames of your fire, foiled single use pan over the grill plate of the pit. A casserole you had parbaked last night in preparation for today. It was a broccoli cheddar one, the noodles and chicken beginning to season the air along with the crackling pine offered for visitors at the general store at the entrance to the park. The trunk of your SUV was silent as you lifted it and scanned the supplies you had stocked up in the space.

The spare air mattress you kept was on the smaller side, but it didn’t hurt to offer it to the little father and daughter duo. You pulled the fabric of your hiking shorts down a little, to cover up the bandage over a cut you had gotten earlier that afternoon on a hike before gripping the box and walked over to the edge of your site.

“Excuse me, sir?”

“Uh, give me sec!”

“Sir?” You walked over the invisible line between yours and theirs, aware of the girl now fiddling with a small MP3 player, wired earbuds already popped into her ears beneath a mane of kinky hair pulled back into low buns at the back of her head. “I’ve got an extra mattress if yours has holes in it.”

“Huh?” His head appears in the opening of the tent, dark curls tousled and slightly damp with sweat. His brown eyes were wide, his plush lips parted underneath a thick moustache. He was on his knees, prompting you to look down as you approached the tent. He looked up at you through his hooded eyes and you swore your heart jumped in your chest. He had crows’ feet at the edges of them, those and the deep wrinkle in his brow adding to his appeal.

“This is my spare, you’re more than welcome to borrow it.”

His eyes flicked behind you, gauging where his daughter was and why he hadn’t heard an interaction from her before you appeared before him with a gift in your hand and kind words on your lips. She knew how to hold her own, but he still worried for her because the world could be cruel. Her music was a low hum even from here, telling him she was gone from his world for the meantime, social battery probably low or even just a bit bored with him out here in the middle of the state park while he set things up.

“Uh, thanks. Who’re-“

“I’m from just over there,” You lean back a little to wave to the left. He had seen the hatchback parked there all day but hadn’t seen the camper until just now. You must’ve snuck back into the grounds from a mid-morning hike that begins off the campgrounds or a nap you were possibly taking in your rather clean tent. He felt self-conscious at the way he was looking up at you with wide eyes, the dirt and dust that coated everything from his cooler to his own truck to the tent he was currently kneeling in. The trip was last minute, but it just reminds him of how much better he needs to be about upkeep in his own home and garage. The truck he could get away with, but he didn’t want to bring his work home with him more than he already did. “We’re campsite neighbors.”

“Mighty nice of ya, think mine has a leak somewhere.” The admittance is easy from his lips, shocking you in its honesty. The last time you had tried to offer similar help, you had been shot down and denied a chance. Told you didn’t know what you were talking about and that the person who had been having trouble knew more than you did, that you should mind your own business. Shaking the bad memory and relationship from your mind, you offer a polite smile and lean over a little to peer into the space around the man eclipsing the entrance.

“Mind if I take a look?” You set down the rather hefty box containing the spare bed and lean down to unhinge the ankle strap on your campsite sandals. It may be a little forward of you, but he seemed willing to discuss the issue, and you wanted to help any way you could. When he doesn’t protest, still gazing up at you with that doe eyed expression, you step into the rather dusty interior. The mattress is in the center of the back wall, the foot end of it facing toward your campsite. You crouch down to inspect the area around the boston valve. Just as you reached out a hand to feel around the base of it, you felt heat at your right side.

“’s over on the other side, I think.” The man’s voice was close, the baritone of it vibrating through you as you turned your own curious expression over to him. He seems to have composed himself, as he shuffles close to you, nearly pressing his broad chest into your side to motion to the left side of bed. The near contact makes you jolt, the way he had almost unconsciously fallen into your personal space. Not having been so close to anyone in recent memory makes the moment into more than it is on the surface, and you try not to let it get to your head. Just a friendly interaction, that’s all.

“Apologies,” He’s moving away just as suddenly as he had appeared beside you, leaving your heart racing in your chest so loud you hope he can’t hear it within the confines of the nylon enclosure. You can’t tell with the bright afternoon sunlight, if there’s a tinge to the tops of his ears and the back of his neck. But you’re pretty sure if there is one it’s because of his embarrassment of the thoughtless act and nothing more. A simple accident of invading a stranger’s space and nothing more.

He’s just a stranger who needed a bit of help, nothing more. Tamping down the runaway thoughts of the man and how calming his presence is even with just a few moments of interacting with him, you focus on the task at hand.

After a few moments of fiddling with the valve and ensuring its secure, you have him press down the palms of his hands on the top of the mattress as you scoot it out to feel where the air is leaking from.

There’s a slit in the groove that helps to support the weight of whoever lays atop it, barely visible.

“Ah, yeah. It’s here.” You switch places with him and he sees what you’re talking about.

“Shit,” He’s rubbing a hand over the dark scruff on his chin, dragged down the column of his neck as he realizes it’s not even a hole but a tear. A mighty long one that he’s incapable of fixing out here with no duct tape or putty.

“No worries, you can use the spare I brought over.” Standing up, you clap your hands to rid them of the dust that you had gathered on them. Doing the same with your knees, you glance around the space and realize how small it is. “Is this the only tent you brought?”

“No, uh, Sarah – my girl out there,” Joel is hunched over, the inside of the tent not tall enough for him to stand at his full height, he’s following your form as you exit, taking the offered box that contains the solution to his current problem. “This one’s hers. Gotta get mine set up. Was just gonna give her mine if hers was damaged. Saved me the pain of sleeping on the ground.”

“I’ve got a small handheld vacuum, if you want to get the dust cleared up for her.” You offer with a slight smile, the small worry of overstepping making you self-conscious. “Just…if you want to.”

He pauses as he places the box beside the slowly deflating bed he had tried to set up. His eyes catch yours and you see something flash in them.

“’m not normally this unprepared, but she was…well, she was havin’ a bad week so we packed up after school and just hit the road.”

“Hey, no worries at all! I totally get needing to get away sometimes. That’s why I have enough to offer you my spare. Keep a bit in the car, a bit in the garage. Kinda ready to go whenever I feel the need.”

“It’s much appreciated.” His own lips twist up and you feel butterflies between your ribs. He’s effortlessly handsome, his chocolate curls mused and his face showing the years he’s spent raising his daughter and no doubt working hard to do it.

“I’ll just go grab that real quick then, leave you to finish setting up.” You crook your elbow and point back to your own campsite, but your feet stick to the ground when you see Joel crouched back down on the ground in his simple tee and jeans. His biceps flex with the way he begins to roll the remaining air out of the no-good mattress, catching your attention like a cat to a sunbeam.

“You’re an angel, can’t believe we lucked out with such a cool neighbor.” Joel chuckles to himself as he works, unaware of your watching gaze. “Last time we had this older couple that didn’t believe she was mine. Kept asking if she was okay or needed any help.”

“S-Sounds like a nightmare.” The lump that appears in your throat sticks even after you attempt to swallow it down. You couldn’t imagine the stress that caused, even if just fleetingly. They were obviously bonded, their easy temperance with each other speaking volumes for those around.

“Much better this time around, despite the faulty mattress.” He looks up once it’s rolled up and secured with velcro ties. His smile is brighter, reaching his eyes in a way that makes them sparkle. “Name’s Joel, and the tone-deaf teenager out there is Sarah.”

You look over your shoulder at the dancing, twirling teenager. She’s still got her music playing a touch too loud, her lips mouthing along to most of the words. Some of them she sings aloud, and it’s��it is rather tone-deaf. But it brings a smile to your face all the same, she’s allowed to feel like she can be herself around her father. That’s an impressive feat, that they seem so close with no underlying awkwardness or feelings of insecurity.

Turning back to him, you offer your own introduction.  

The sounds of Joel finishing setting up his campsite fill the air but aren’t bothersome. Just a part of the afternoon that grows into the evening. Others showing up as well, the sound of rubber mallets securing tent spikes in the soft ground, of vinyl and tarp being stretched out and shifted into place, of grills being filled with charcoal and the sizzling of food as it hits the hot grates. Laughter and soft conversations float through the air amid the gentle breeze and you sigh as you sit down at your table with a bowl of the casserole that had finished cooking.

The peaceful reverie is enhanced by the infectious giggling of Sarah, the teenage girl just over the invisible line between the campsites. Joel’s own carefree laughter making your chest feel light. They’ve got their stuff all set up, the propane grill Joel brought working hard as he cooks what looks like too much food for just the two of them. But they both load their plates up and settled at their picnic table with freshly opened drinks from the cooler.

You feel the look before it registers, so caught up in the book gripped between your hands. It’s been on your list for far too long, a few pages read here and there throughout your hectic day, before bed as you try to wind down but end up passing out with it flattened on your chest. But now, the reading seems to be disrupted in the form of Joel. He’s at the edge of your space, calling out your name.

An offer for food if you wanted some, that there was a little bit of everything and plenty of it if you cared to join them. With no thought for the passage you had just been immersed in, you close the book and leave it in the seat of your camp chair. The vinyl hushes with the wight of the paper but you pay it no mind as you ask after what all he’s got and pick up a fresh beer from your cooler.

Easy conversation flowed and soon your laughter rung in the air alongside theirs.

Sarah had gone to bed after a bit of gentle prodding from Joel. Her head had bobbed a few times, trying her hardest to stay up despite her fluttering eyes and deep breaths as she sat in front of the dwindling fire alongside you both.

They hadn’t been able to get one going in their own pit, too much debris left behind from the previous inhabitants. So yours had been stoked and kept alive for hours now as night fell. Their chairs had been effortlessly moved beside yours, surrounding the once roaring warmth, something you hadn’t minded in the slightest. He’s walking back up to now, hands in his pockets and a flannel added over his tee. He looks so cozy, so at home now that he’s gotten settled.

He sighs heavily as he plops back down in the chair beside your own, scooting it closer now that you’re alone. You can smell the lingering scent of his cologne on the new addition of clothing and it has you unconsciously leaning into his space.

“Mm, you smell good.”

“Thanks, darlin’. You smell mighty good yourself.” He’s smirking when your eyes snap up at the realization that you just said that out loud.

“Oh my god, I am so sorry. I didn’t-“

“’s okay. But I’ve been wonderin’ something.” His tone tilts, pitches low as he regards the fire that’s more smoldering ashes than flames in the pit. The shadows cast over his profile take your breath away, make your heart ache for how beautiful he is. He’s a good man, if your evening together was anything to go by.

A devoted father, a caring family man, a capable man who worked himself perhaps too much sometimes.

“Y-yeah?” You feel the air shift, something sparking between you two now that you’re alone. You wonder if he’s about to tell you his wife is back home waiting for their return, if he’s going to ask you why you keep stealing ogling glances his way. If he’s going to reveal to you that he’s onto you and doesn’t like the attention. But his question is exactly what you wanted to hear, because you have the exact same one for him.

“You got anyone waitin’ for you back home?” Joel’s voice is even, despite the way one of his hands is tapping away at the armrest of his chair. The empty beer in his mesh cupholder sweating and the label is peeled off. It’s endearing to see his quirks, the man rather enticing despite only knowing him for a few hours. Your heart skipped a beat, butterflies tickling your insides as you realized he may be as attracted to you as you are to him. Unless he was just making polite conversation now that it was just the two of you…

“Like a boyfriend?” You dare to ask, seeking clarification. Feeling the slight charge in the air is making you a little dizzy, the looks you had caught him giving you when you were busy helping Sarah with her smores only making you feel even more so as you recall the way his eyes had shown in the amber firelight. You lean toward him, finding that he had done the same. There are only a few inches between you now, elbows crooked and bodies curved toward each other. You try to disguise your surprise, but you’re sure he can see in as his lips quick up on one side.

“Like a boyfriend.” His breath is so warm as it puffs against your lips. He’s so, impossibly close and it wouldn’t take but a tilt of your head to close the gap.

“Oh.” Your eyes search between his own, looking for something behind them. Finding no ill intent, no underlying darkness. There’s only hope flickering there, shielding the loneliness you can sense in him, the same that you mask in your own life. You feel your lips pull up into a teasing smile as you glance down at his plush lips. “No.”

“Good.” And he’s closing the gap. Hands coming up to cradle your face and nose brushing against yours as his lips capture yours.

The next morning, you’re packing up the remainder of your stuff as quietly as possible. The sun has yet to rise, the sky barely beginning to lighten on the horizon. Joel is snoring just loudly enough that you can pick up the sound coming from inside his tent. You don’t want to bother him, seeing as he’s resting after a rather long night. You feel the ghost of his lips against yours, the way they had dragged down your throat, your collarbone, lower still beneath your shoved off flannel and rucked up tank top.

“Don’t normally do this kinda thing.” He groaned into your skin as his exploring fingers undid the small tie at the front of your shorts. The thickness of them as they hooked in the waistband and pulled made you dizzy, made your body clench around nothing at the heady thought of them delving lower.

“What? Make out with strangers?” You huff a giddy laugh that turns into a choked whimper as his knuckles graze between your legs, feeling the dampness there. He presses close, and you feel the pressure of his hand against your swollen lips, can feel the way he slowly parts them with gentle movements. Fingertips find your sensitive bud and your body glitters, eyes fluttering shut.

“Make out with anyone. Been so focused on other stuff.”

“Focus on me then, just for now.” You whisper as you reach for him, guiding his face back up to yours and kissing him deeply. He swallows the moan that bursts from your chest as his fingers find your fluttering entrance. He’s knuckle deep and crooking them before you can catch your breath. It hitches, leaves you and causes you to break away from him when they nudge a spot just right, lighting up your body in a way it hadn’t been in ages.

“That’s the spot, huh darlin’?” He thrusts his fingers in a slow, deep rhythm. Feeling your soft walls clench around him, the jolt to your body and the arching of your back telling him he’s found exactly the right spot. “C’mon, you feel so damn good. Lemme see how pretty you are.”

Through a heavy-lidded gaze, you see him hovering above you. His outline stark in the glow of the string lights strung up around your campsite. His brown eyes are glittering and blown wide, his lips are parted and panting for breath, chest dusted with the same dark hair atop his head. When had he even taken his shirt off? It doesn’t matter, you lose the thought as your hands begin to explore his chest. Nails raking lightly down his pecs and toward the softness of his belly. Belt unbuckled and pants undone, but still secure around his waist.

Heat encompasses you, your body alight as he beckons you closer and closer to the edge. You fall with a cry of his name when he leans down to nip at your breast, nipple taut between his teeth. He guides you through it, fingers dragging it out before he gently removes them from your fluttering core and twitching clit.

“That’s a pretty sight indeed, darlin’.” He kisses your temple, your cheeks, your forehead. A grunt of surprise falls from him when you surge up and wrap your arms around his neck and use your feet to push his jeans off. His rumbling laughter fills the dark space as he quickly pushes them off all the way and kicks them off the bed. “Gonna let me have you, sweet girl, gonna let me feel you come on my cock?”

“Fuck, Joel, yes, please.” You rut against him as his erection bobs up toward his stomach, needing more, needing to feel him. This safe, beautiful stranger you hadn’t known existed until today. He was intoxicating. The hot, long line of him hard where you grind against the underside of him. He groans a deep, guttural sound at the feeling, the slick of your swollen lips and the beads of precum falling from his tip making for such an easy glide.

His hand snakes down to guide himself a little lower, eliciting a cry from you when his head rubs roughly over your clit.

“Shh, shh, gotta be quiet now, don’t wanna wake the whole campground, do we?” He’s watching your face twist in pleasure, the way your bottom lip plumps between teeth as you try to quiet yourself. He tries to muffle his own loud moan when he finally pushes in. Everything stills for the barest of moments, eyes meeting and breath hitching. Before he’s snapping his hips against yours, bending over you to lift a leg over his shoulder and his teeth grit as he tries to keep his sounds restrained.

You’re lost to the feeling of his body moving against yours, moving inside yours. He’s filling you so deeply, hitting that spot you didn’t believe any guy could find and it’s making your vision sparkle bright white.’

Your face heats as you recall the way he had desperately asked ‘where’ in that gravely twang of his. The feeling of him still filling you, dampening your underwear as he dribbled out a little bit at a time. It had been rather risky a move, but the pills you took everyday would help prevent any…mishaps with the handsome man you hadn’t expected to meet on your own impromptu excursion from the city.

Austin.

He was from there too and something compelled you to write your name and number on a blank page of your small notepad. A little note saying to call you for a coffee sometime because it had been nice to talk to him and his daughter. You left the remainder of the casserole in the tin and secured the crumpled foil over it before cautiously lifting the lid to their large cooler. Thankfully there was space for the extra food, they would need it with their additional night in the park.

But you needed to go, real life responsibilities calling your name back from the slice of reprieve you had sought out.

Picking up the packed tent, the handles rough in your hand like Joel’s calloused palms, you looked the campsite over one last time. Everything was packed now, the city beckoning you back though this camping trip had provided you with something you hadn’t had a taste of in a long time.

Hope.

next part

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[tealvenetianmask]

So despite hating himself, Blitz is confident about sex and about work, right?

Right???

Where did all of that confidence go? It's a fun kind of confidence that takes us along for the ride and makes us want to see what he'll do next, and I miss it. Not to mention, seeing him start to break down is a little too relatable.

I've seen a lot of good analysis recently about how and why Blitz's mask is slipping. He's been shaken to the core by everything that happened with Stolas, and now he can't maintain the facade of confidence that's been getting him through daily life.

Recent events have made me think differently about Blitz's hallucination in Truth Seekers. Yes, it shows us lots of fear of relationships- of hurting and being hurt. But the insecurity in particular is standing out to me a lot more now.

Take these quotes from hallucination-Moxxie (actually Blitz's own psyche speaking):

First quote: "I simply follow your orders. It isn't my fault if your orders are as nonsensical as a sun tanning bed left out on the cold rainy porch of a fresh April shower."

Second quote: "you don't know what you are doing half the time and depend on me and the missus to manage your foolish flights of fancy."

I want to point out before getting into the words that in all of these frames the animation is drawn to look like Blitz is glitching out on a computer screen, with frames overlapping and stark colorful lines reverberating. It's like he's barely able to hold onto his identity. It's like he's losing himself.

Now the content of the quotes themselves-- even though Blitz's confident assassin persona is convincing, even though he frequently calls out Moxxie for mistakes and builds himself up, even though when we see him fighting, he KNOWS HE'S GOT THIS, and even though he talks confidently about his schemes, this man SERIOUSLY DOUBTS HIMSELF AT WORK.

Blitz is an improviser, and I've written before about how much I love this because I relate to it. Blitz talks through plans that sound pretty extravagant but don't have many details ironed out (and this drives Moxxie up a wall), and then he pulls them off by acting intuitively and making decisions in the moment. He's great at it. I get it. When plans are too detailed or too set in stone (at work, when traveling, in my writing), I feel seriously boxed in. I need grand vague ideas to get me excited to get going and a lack of details so that I can do what's right in the moment and avoid getting stuck. I did not outline this post. I love that this tendency of Blitz's is portrayed so positively, because in my own experience, it often gets misunderstood as laziness or unrealistic thinking.

Or *cough* "foolish flights of fancy."

So what we have here is Blitz doubting one of the very personality traits that makes him so successful in his work, interpreting it as not knowing what he's doing, and feeling like he has to cover it up. He's down in the imposter syndrome pit with the rest of us.

[bellawoso]

Head Over Heels

Jana Fernandez x fem!reader

Jana Fernandez my love, you have my heart.

You and Jana had been keeping your relationship under wraps for a while, from the team and from the public, with the only people aware being your two’s family- which was still fairly new.

Your relationship stemmed soon after you signed for Barcelona, with you moving from England and struggled with the spanish language, Lucy and Keira quickly took you under their wing.

At first you struggled to make new friendships with your teammates, being constantly wary of the fact they are the top players in the world, however this feeling wasn’t new to you.

Both Keira and Lucy knew that you struggled with imposter syndrome after you signed for England and had constant nervous episodes before a match after you were told you were to be in the starting 11.

However, each time your anxiety spiked, either one of them would always be there to comfort you, which was why you were having such a hard time not telling anyone about yours and Jana’s relationship.

In a way, you felt as if you had to be more open with Keira and Lucy due to everything they had done for you, being honest with them was the least you could do.

———————————————————————

Honestly to begin with, you had a bad first impression of Jana, with you previously playing for Arsenal, the only interaction you have had with Jana were the 2021 games against Barcelona, which left you having to listen to Beth’s rants about how the young defender was shoving her all throughout the game.

It was your fault you weren’t friends with Jana really, despite you attempting to make an effort to speak to some of the Barça girls who spoke English, you had completely avoided the brunette who constantly haunted your thoughts.

Everyone on the team knew that Jana and Bruna were their own duo, they tended to pair up all of the time in drills, sit together on the bus and at lunch, they had been best friends since their youth.

You were used to seeing Jana and Bruna constantly looking at you, giggling, and rapidly whispering in Spanish, which didn’t help to ease your worries of not fitting in.

Until one training session where Bruna was ill left Jana without a partner for a drill. You usually partnered with Keira, but after some encouragement from the English girl that she would be fine and partner with Aitana, you walked over to the brunette defender and asked if she wanted to partner with you, to which she happily accepted to your surprise.

The brunette seemed eager to get to know you during the drill, and after training she offered to take you home instead of Lucy and Keira as your car was currently being fixed.

It turned out that you two didn’t live far away from each other, so you both car-shared after that training session, until one day you were confident enough to invite the brunette in after she dropped you off.

You both laughed over coffee, which led to you admitting how you thought she hated you at first, as you always saw her laughing at you with Bruna.

Jana simply looked at you in shock, and was quick to reassure you that she never hated you, but she was just very nervous around you.

At hearing this you offered her a soft smile, encouraging her to continue, when you noticed her hesitance to continue.

Jana was then quick to confess her newfound non-platonic feelings for you, until you cut off her rambling with a chaste kiss to her lips, effectively silencing her.

“I like you too Jana”

After a few more dates, Jana asked you to be her girlfriend which you happily accepted, you had been dating for 4 months now, with nobody suspecting anything of you two.

———————————————————————

Barcelona vs Real Madrid

A highly anticipated match, that always left people on the edge of their seats at Camp Nou.

Sadly, both you and your girlfriend weren’t playing, with you two both sporting matching muscle injuries, however you were both just as happy to watch.

You and Jana both loved physical affection, so it was a shame your relationship wasn’t public to anyone yet. You had both decided to wear many layers of clothing in attempt to prevent anyone from recognising you, so that Jana could at least have a hand on your thigh without a fan snapping a picture of it.

You had both decided that you would look more weird in your disguises in the friends and family stands than the public stands, which left you two in a random part of the stadium, surrounded by fellow culers.

Both you and Jana were clad in big puffer coats, beanies, face masks all in attempt to not be caught by fans.

Honestly, you did start sat down in your chair, however as the match progressed, you began to miss Jana’s lap, so you were quick to climb onto her, as she welcomed you in an embrace.

The Barcelona weather was honestly quite hot that day, so you were fast to discard your extra layers.

Everyone was focused on the match, so who would actually notice you?

With Jana’s extra layers, they made it impossible for you to nuzzle your face into the crook of Jana’s neck, so you made the rash decision to pull off Jana’s disguise, insisting it was too uncomfortable, to which Jana happily let you, the girl being as head-over-heels for you as you were for her.

You were right, no fans noticed either of you, Jana’s hand resting dangerously low on your back the entirety of the game, and she placed regular kisses on your forehead every time you tiredly mumbled “te amo” repeatedly.

With you too tired to look up, and Jana too enamoured with you, both of you failed to notice the camera which projected both of you clearly onto the big screen.

———————————————————————

As soon as the match ended, both you and Jana were quick to part ways, keeping up the facade of you two not being close.

Jana immediately went to her friends, and you went up to Esmee, who to Jana’s annoyance, you had grown quite close to over the past month. This was something you constantly teased your girlfriend for, and even though Jana knew you were loyal, she couldn’t help the sudden rush of jealousy she felt whenever she saw Esmee hugging you.

However, today Bruna noticed Jana’s glare at Esmee who had lifted you to a piggyback, as she interacted with the fans. The forward chose to not pick at Jana’s sudden dislike for Esmee, but it stayed at the back of her mind even when they were on the bus.

Your teammates noticed your fatigue, and chose to leave you alone when on the bus, as they knew both you and Esmee were such good friends due to your shared trait of always being tired. Both you and Esmee were currently sharing AirPods and appreciating the unusually calm conversations going on around you.

Until it was broken by a shriek from Claudia which immediately had you jolting awake, only to turn back to see what the problem was, to be met with a sympathetic smile from Jana, which had you subtly smiling back at her and then relaxing back into your seat instantly.

The back seats that day consisted of their usual group: Alexia, Jana, Bruna, Lucy, Mapi, Claudia and Patri, usually the loudest and most energetic of the team on the way back after a match.

After choosing to settle back into your seat, and once again blocking out the conversations around you, you were made completely oblivious to the incident arising at the back of the bus.

After Claudia’s sudden outburst caused everyone’s conversations to stop, she was immediately met with Alexia asking her what was wrong. Claudia however was still in so much shock, that when she attempted to tell Alexia and the others what was wrong, she could only stutter, until she was cut off with a scolding from Alexia for being so childish, who mistook the shriek of surprise for one of mischief.

When Alexia’s lecture had ended, Claudia managed to muster up a few words which immediately made Jana freeze:

“Twitter, Jana, Y/N”

Claudia quickly shoved her phone in the awaiting hands of her captain, who’s only reaction was a sharp intake of breath and a soft “ay dios mio” which the group knew was not a good sign.

The phone was then passed around the rest of the group, only landing in the hands of Jana last.

As the brunette studied the picture, she couldn’t help but smile at the candid photo of you two on the big screen, you on her lap with your head resting on her shoulder, however the photo also had captured Jana’s blush and the hand that rested way too low on you for any couple in public.

Out of the corner of her eye, Jana could see you jolting awake, after being shaken awake by Mapi, who she had not realised had got up to confront you.

Jana immediately went to stand up, her protective nature shining through, only to be pulled back down by Alexia.

“She will come over here, maybe she can sit on a normal seat, instead of your lap this time?” The captain teased.

This was only met with a scowl from Jana, the only available seat was next to Mapi, and Jana was not planning on leaving you anywhere near the Zaragozan, as she knew that the blonde would only tease you more.

As you neared them, Jana could see Mapi tugging on your wrist harshly in excitement, not noticing the wince on your face, the brunette reached over to smack Mapi’s hand, to let her know to get off you. Hesitance was evident all over your face on where to sit, so Jana hastily tugged you by your waist onto her lap.

This confirmation that you were in fact together sent Claudia into a rambling state mainly consisting of how she couldn’t believe it, and that she didn’t even know you and Jana were friends.

This combined with Patri, Mapi and Lucy’s teasing only irritated Jana more, and Alexia studying the picture of you two on the big screen did not ease your worries.

Jana noticed this, and tapped your thigh as a signal for you to stand, as she led you to the front of the bus for the last ten minutes of the journey. As soon as you arrived back, Jana pulled you to her car where you went to her house as you had been spending most of your time there recently.

After a long conversation with Jana, you had decided that although you two had already been hard launched by some random cameraman, you two could still go through the process of making your relationship ship official online.

———————————————————————

yourinstagram

Head-over-heels inlove with you from day one my love ❤️

Liked by alexiaputellas, janafernandez3 and 57,675 others.

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janafernandez3

Mi amor in her natural habitat: on my lap ❤️ (no where else I would rather have you)

Liked by yourinstagram, lucybronze and 49,873 others.

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———————————————————————

A/N: i <3 jana fernandez

[neptunes-sol-angel]

Just a reminder that everyone has both a masculine and a feminine side, so don't hesitate to read the feminine version of this pick a card too.

Paid Readings | Botanica | Tip Jar

Pile One 👢

BEYONCÉ- RIIVERDANCE

Someone could be feeling really entitled to your energy. They could be asking a lot from you, where one demand is contradictory to the other demand, which can be very draining for you. Then on top of that, they could be trying to tell you to change certain aspects of your personality that interfere with their gall to have excessive control over you. They could be naturally intimidated by you and use microaggressive verbiage to get you to submit to them. Like if they’re being passive aggressive with you, your tendency to be direct, would make them label you as aggressive. Or if you’re not even the type to use your voice a lot because of anxiety, they could ask you to communicate instead of being avoidant, and then when you do speak up it’s still a problem. Your masculine side is trying to get you to see that this double-edged sword is not an excuse to continue letting others walk all over you and stagnate your life and comfort. You’re in a situation where boundaries simply aren’t enough for this relationship to be balanced, it’s time to cut ties. You must take that control over your own life back and stop placing so much value on what other people say that they want you to do because the thing about people pleasing, is that whether you’re doing it or trying to recover from it, people will never be satisfied or happy with what you do and how you do it. You're always going to piss someone off or be labeled in some way as “not doing enough” of something, and that’s the other message, which is to learn what’s in your control and what’s not for you to control. If you’re dealing with someone who’s exhausting you that you aren’t biologically responsible for, I’m hearing “do it. It’s ok to do it”. Deprive that person of the resources that you’ve given them to remind them of what they really didn’t deserve in the first place, not as a punishment, but as a way to remind yourself that you are the source of your own power and to stop keeping people around who are pulling you down because they convinced you that you need them.

Pile Two 👢

BEYONCÉ- AMEN

Give your body a break. Give away this idea that you need to be fighting all of the time to get what you want and need or that you have to sacrifice yourself to provide for others. That message is mostly for those in my collective who are the eldest child and have to bear the brunt of responsibility. Something needs to be done differently, but it all starts with putting your foot down. Call out what’s being done that’s unfair to you. If there's a double standard with your gender, say that, because you’re not crazy. It’s not the coconut oil to all of your problems but changing your mindset does allow for some shifts and changes to your situation to happen. Acknowledge that you’d rather invest your hard work into something else, like getting your own place or making moves towards something that harmonizes with your ambition, because no matter how difficult it may be to accomplish those goals, keeping your focus on that target is what will help make getting to that goal or goals a lot faster without you feeling a loss of motivation on the way. For others in this pile, you need to allow others to help you. When you’re going through a mental crisis or an addiction, it is heavily underestimated how healing socializing can be. You don’t need to be ashamed or feel less than because you need assistance, having a community is so important because there can be times where your own mind can be your enemy and the way to combat it, is having a friend or in general someone, who cares, to help pull you out of that. Imposter syndrome and intrusive thoughts could be something that’s being struggled with and just know that you are worthy and able to get help with it, but remember, even on your worst days, that you are enough and you can do whatever your mind is trying to create doubt around.

Pile Three 👢

BEYONCÉ - LEVII'S JEAN

If you feel like your love life is nonexistent because it has to do with the way that you look, the answer is both yes and no. You think it’s because people don’t find you attractive, but people find you to be extremely hot, but you know what’s also hot? Your aura, and people don’t want to be burned whether they deserve it or not. Even if you don’t have big expectations in love, you look like you do, or you’re not aware of how you sound when you talk about the things that you like or want. I even have this feeling that if the majority of people who secretly admire you approached you, you would not be impressed with them and that’s ok. Your standards and expectations, even if you don’t think that they are high, are what protect you. Don’t let your curiosity of stepping outside of what you want, be your temptation for something that you could potentially regret. One day you will find that love that you’re looking for and some of you have actually already found it, but you’re not seeing yourself as someone they could have feelings for. You need to start seeing yourself in a better light and having more confidence over your divinely given features, both physical and internal, because it’s so easy to miss out on opportunities in love and your career because you don’t see how gifted you are.

[promptsbytaurie]

how to show ~guilt~

!!please credit me!!

"it should've been me. it should've been me."

sick, dull feeling in their stomach

replaying the same thoughts over and over

not meeting other character's eyes, averting eyes/eye contact

self-sabotage

self-deprecation/self-deprecating thoughts

denying others' attempts to tell them it's not their fault

heavy breathing/lots of deep, shaky breaths--even struggling to breathe

fast heartbeat/noticeable pulse

feeling disconnected

feeling like an imposter/imposter syndrome

insomnia/light + uneasy sleeping

eating less--generally just a decline in self-care, depending on the level of guilt

brink of tears all the time

avoids source of guilt (e.g. if Person A is wounded, guilty Person B might avoid Person A for a long time.)

anxious + stressed

[freakyfrye]

ᝰ. perfect stranger

requested: stolas x gn! swan reader, what if stolas never met blitzø at the ‘not divorce’ party

type: oneshot

content: no mention of pronouns (just “you”), slow burn, wholesome & vulnerable fluff, love at first sight (for Stolas maybe, up to interpretation), flustered & subtlety turned on stolas (not too much tho stolas), down to earth reader

note: for the record, I don’t hate stella (i actually like her character, villains have a soft place in my heart always), y’all idk about this—this is trash 🚮 I hate how I wrote it, imposter syndrome is heavy with this one but I don’t want to rewrite it and make you wait longer! I know I said I’ll wait until I wrote all my wips but I need this out my drafts neow!

Anyone who could be considered important, on some level but no more than she, knew that Stella Goetia just adored throwing parties once in a blood moon. In her fancy mansion, she’s the face, the main character, and she plays her role as host so well that people tend to overlook every other bad quality she has among the very few pros. Or perhaps, they would rather not have bad blood with someone of her caliber.

You, on the other hand, couldn't care less—about the parties, the fancy mansion, or Stella herself, frankly. Parties were never your first choice for outings; they were the most energy-draining events, with all the overcrowding and having to pretend to enjoy the company of ill-minded individuals.

But alas, you begrudgingly attend this one, and many others, as a representative of your family name. You're not silent in your disagreement, always voicing how they couldn't have picked a worse member for the job—if your frown, ever present since entering the oh-so-lovely and homey residency of the royal family, was anything to go by.

Doing your due diligence, you converse with a few guests as you make your way through the herd of people, keeping it curt and unseasoned. Finally, you reach the woman of the hour. Locating her wasn’t difficult; her boisterous, obnoxious laughter, reminiscent of a terribly played violin, rang through the room.

Exactly what you’d expect from her. Respectfully but quickly, you greet her, say a few false words of endearment about living a long life, and then scurry off back into the sea of snobby kiss asses. To her and anyone around her, it might look like you were scared, tucking your tail between your legs. In truth, you were trying to keep your big mouth shut in case she couldn’t keep her nasty comments to herself.

The party continues uneventfully. The music, more like a lullaby, would have lured you to sleep if you hadn’t downed a few cocktails to prevent it. The partygoers, annoying as they are, fail to read the room and approach you regardless of your many excuses to avoid meaningless conversation. They just want insight on why a (surname) is at a party alone, much less why you of all people are here.

By evening, you were running out of excuses until you grow hungry—using the lack of vegetarian options as a way to escape their gossip. Now standing beside a gigantic window, you contentedly munch on some leafy greens, finding interest in staring outside. The view is much more impressive than the building itself—isolated enough from Imp City yet overlooking it enough to make a grand statement. It is truly beautiful at night, the lights like little twinkling stars rivaling the sky.

Your head snaps in the direction of a crash, eyebrows raised in disbelief at the sight of wine dribbling down the glass of the window beside the one you stand near, shards scattered on the ground. To your surprise, or perhaps not, the vandal is Stella, who now leaves the scene in a fit of laughter, two idiots in tow beside her.

Why in hell would she do that to her own home? The thought Interest you some. She should know the potential damage that could have caused, let alone to one of her guests who could have been injured. Stella looked back, a sinister grin spreading across her face as she shot a rude remark past you towards someone. It made you realize she didn’t really care—neither about the mansion nor how it made her look.

Your lips form a tight line when you realize her comment was directed at her husband, who retorts with a low, irritated chirp. It seems this wasn’t much of a homey residence after all. Sighing, you place your drink onto the tray of a passing imp, heading over to the stained glass, each step revealing more of the prince hiding behind a column.

There wasn’t a memory with him that you could recall as you took out a handkerchief, wiping the window clean. You knew he attended all parties, cursed with the duty of family, but you never interacted with him. As you bent down, picking up the shards piece by piece, you considered whether you should approach him.

There were plenty of reasons why you didn’t want to or shouldn’t, like the vibe he was giving off as he shamelessly gulping down a bottle of absinthe. But it was your duty to greet all hosts, and even though he wasn’t mingling like his wife, he still counted. It was better to get it over with.

Hurriedly, you call over a wait staff, dropping the shards on their tray with a fleeting explanation, “Have that area swept thoroughly,” while gesturing towards it before brushing past them towards the prince. Stolas grew in size as the distance closed, standing a few feet taller than you. It would be only slightly intimidating if not for him choking on his drink after you suddenly appeared before him.

Sending him an apologetic smile, you bow, “Evening, Your Highness. Hope I didn’t frighten you.”

He managed to squeeze out, “I’m fine,” in the middle of coughing before fixing his posture and smoothing down his vest, handing the bottle to a imp beside him. “It’s quite alright. I just wasn’t expecting company…” he trails off, eyes flickering up and down, clearly confused as to who you are or why you were talking to him of all people in the room.

“I’m glad. I would hate to be the reason the prince falls ill. That would not bode well for my family,” you admit, half-jokingly, before addressing the second half of his statement. “You’re in a room full of like-minded people; surely someone besides me has come to talk with you.”

Right? Because that makes sense. He is the prince.

He blinks owlishly at you before stuttering, “Well—” He clears his throat, placing a hand on his abdomen before continuing, feigning nonchalance, “Why, of course. It’s only appropriate in this setting. I presume that’s your current agenda?”

“Yes,” you answer truthfully, finally glancing up and pausing. A giant banner hangs loosely above his head that reads “NOT DIVORCED!” in bold lettering. Usually the observant type, how in the world did you miss this? “However, if I’m honest, that’s part of the reason,” you add, curiously. You didn't realize it was that kind of party. Maybe you should start paying more attention to the invitations.

“Oh?” Stolas tilts his head slightly, eyes widening. He leans in closer, his voice a mix of confusion and genuine interest, “And what, pray tell, is the other half of the reason?”

You open your mouth, ready to speak what’s on your mind. You've never been one to hide how you feel—superior or not—otherwise, it would consume you. But then you close it, pursing your lips in thought. Perhaps that would be too rude, too personal off the jump, too far outside your jurisdiction to ask him about his marriage at his “not divorced” party, which his wicked wife obviously threw just to spite him.

Damn, you wish more than anything that you could have continued the party without ever seeing that sign or witnessing Stella’s public display. You didn’t care for gossip, but you were a curious individual by nature. He’s standing there, waiting on you to say something—anything, or you’ll risk looking like a fool.

“Do you want to get out of here?” you blurt out after a pregnant pause, cursing yourself inwardly for what you were getting yourself into. Anything would be better than what had came out of your lips.

His body recoils in apparent disgust at what you dare ask him, a prince. You can’t say you blame him; you’d be creeped out if a random nobody asked that too. “Wait, what?” he replies, dumbfounded at your boldness. Was this a joke? He scans around the room, as if searching for something but finds nothing before returning his gaze to you, a faint blush dusting his face. “Could you repeat that?”

You've made your bed, might as well lie in it. Besides, you never wanted to be at this party in the first place, and it's becoming painfully dull. Ideally, you'd slip away alone after greeting him—but this could work out—satisfying your curiosity before the night is over, it could potentially end badly but who knows when you'll cross paths again. Probably at another miserable gathering, actually.

"Ditch the party with me?" You casually rephrase, keeping your head high, silently hoping you don't come off as too much of an idiot. “Or not. Either way, I’m bored stiff here, and it doesn’t look like you’re having a blast either.”

Stolas blinks a few times, processing your proposition. “You’re suggesting leaving the party together?” he repeats, confirming what you’ve just asked, though you’d already clarified it. His lips curl into a hesitant smile, betraying a hint of nervousness at the unexpected proposal.

“And where would we go?” There’s a playful gleam in his eyes, signaling his curiosity and a willingness to entertain the idea of breaking away from the formalities of the event.

You hum in thought, not having planned that far ahead, before shrugging and tilting your head with a genuine smile. "What about the garden? There seem to be a lot of plants around the palace. Someone must really care for them. I bet it’s beautiful," you suggest, recalling the impressive variety of plants, including the carnivorous ones, on the way to the ballroom.

His feathers ruffle as he lets out a low, excited squeal, his smile growing more confident as he leans down to your height. "You have an interest in plants?" he asks, almost unable to believe it, his hands clasped together. Everyone he's ever come across has called his interests boring. He never had a friend who was.

You nod, your posture relaxing after seeing his genuine reaction. "It's a bonding activity between my mother and me that started in childhood. I take it by your reaction that you handle their care?" Perhaps he could be good company after all.

His comical blush returns when he remembers that your suggestion came with a compliment. “Yes, I do. I’m surprised you noticed. Not everyone cares for botany…” He gestures toward the exit, silently saying ‘after you’ before adding, “I would be delighted to accompany you to the garden. I can show you the new species of carnivorous plant I acquired...if you’d like?”

Chuckling at his enthusiasm, you nod and reply, “I’d love that.” You head toward the door, with Stolas quickly falling into step beside you, his hands interlocking behind his back. There’s a respectable distance between you both, ensuring you don’t draw unnecessary attention as you discreetly leave together.

Stolas takes the lead after exiting the ballroom, and a comfortable silence settles between you, broken only by the sound of your footsteps. You notice how he occasionally glances at you, curiosity and excitement in his eyes, as the distance between you subtly closes. You don't voice your observation, letting him assume he's being sneaky when he's not.

"You know," he begins softly, eyes now trained forward, "I never caught your name." A stifled snicker escapes you, causing him to snap his eyes towards you, filled with confusion and a tad bit of worry. "Did I say something amusing?" he asks, tilting his head slightly.

Shaking your head, you respond, "No, it's just... It's a silly thought to think that you might know who I am." you tease.

A flustered noise escapes him, his shoulders stiffening as his mouth drops open and then snaps shut. He stops abruptly, turning his whole body toward you as he stutters, “That’s not... well, the reason...” He struggles to find his words before speaking honestly, “I don’t have a real reason, but if I had met you before, I wouldn’t forget you.” As if he could, you were the first creature in a long while to spark his interest so effortlessly.

Sighing softly, you gesture for him to continue walking. "Actually, it's refreshing not to be noticed immediately upon entering a room," you admit with a slight smile.

Finally reaching the garden, he opens the door and holds it for you, a gentle smile playing on his lips. “I understand how you might feel,” he sympathizes softly, closing the door behind him as he follows you inside. He watches with pride as your eyes widen in awe at the lush, vibrant space filled with an array of plants.

Taking your hand lightly, he guides you to a particular section of the garden where an unusual, striking plant catches your eye. “This is it,” he says, reluctantly letting go of your hand. “My newest addition. Isn’t it fascinating?”

You glance between him and the plant, chuckling in disbelief. "You’re kidding, right?" Your eyebrows shoot up at his confused expression. "Satan, I don’t know what I was expecting, but this—this wasn’t it. How in hell did you get an earth plant to thrive?"

He hums, glancing at the plant lovingly. "A bit of nurturing, a touch of magic, and voilà—a thriving earth plant."

"That simple, huh?" you ask, stepping up to touch the plant. It's soft under your touch and bends with ease—it's real. He wasn’t joking, but then again, why would he with all these other live plants around? It’s just a little hard to believe, is all. “Simple but significant.” you add, remember an affirmation your mother used to say.

Smiling, you let go of the leaf, your eyes following a path that leads deeper into the garden. You start walking, momentarily forgetting your original agenda: why throw a 'not divorce party'? Why not a normal party like normal couples do? But then again, was anything ever normal when you’re raised in the royal family?

Chances are they were arranged before they could even walk. Everyone who grew up in the scene knew that love wasn’t always part of those kinds of marriages. But you thought that wasn’t the case with those two. They hid it so well.

You become so engrossed in the scenery that you jump slightly when Stolas starts to speak, forgetting that you are in his home and not a museum. “Earlier… you said greeting me was only part of your agenda.” He raises his arms in a gesture of harmlessness noticing your jitteriness before continuing, “I’m purely curious… inviting me to escape with you wasn’t the other half, was it?”

"You’re more observant than I gave you credit for," you tease lightly. "You’re right. I still think it’s a touchy subject for you, but I can’t help myself. It’s like an itch in my brain that needs to be satisfied."

“There’s a lot you’d come to find out about me. I’m quite attentive toward things or people who interest me. Plants, my darling Octavia…” Stolas trails off, leaving his lost words hanging tensely in the air, but his gentle eyes on you have you forcing your brain to stop misinterpreting him. He shakes his head, as if to dismiss his own thoughts, "You can ask, as long as I get to ask you one in return. A fair exchange, yes?"

“Fair enough,” you agree, still hesitant and unsure of how he would take it but blurting out your question anyway. “It’s not hard to see that there’s some tension between you and your wife… almost painfully obvious.” You sigh, recalling the earlier events. “So my question is, why are you together, throwing a ‘not divorce’ party when it so clearly should be the opposite?”

There’s a long, pregnant pause between you two. Stolas stares at you, blinking as he processes your question, truly not expecting that to be what was on your mind. You were right—it was a rather personal question, one that really wasn’t any of your business. The nerve of you to be so crass as to ask him that of all questions, and yet, he couldn’t find it in himself to dismiss you.

Instead, he thought of all the reasons why he should answer—someone cares, someone’s listening… the list goes on and he checks them all off. The results are in and it’s still unclear if he should, even though his heart wants him to. Eventually, he expresses himself candidly, laying himself bare for a stranger who unexpectedly stepped inside his world.

Stolas sighs heavily, running a hand through his hair as he looks down at the ground. For a moment, he seems lost in thought, grappling with the complexity of his situation.

"It's... complicated. Stella and I, we've grown apart, to say the least. Our marriage was never really based on love or mutual respect, but more on the idea of strengthening our family's influence and securing alliances."

He lifts his gaze to meet yours, his eyes haunted by a deep sadness.

"But to leave her... it's not that simple. Divorce is rare and scandalous in Goetia. It would be a massive blow to my reputation, and I'm not sure I'm ready to face that kind of backlash just yet."

He shrugs, a wry smile tugging at the corners of his mouth as exhaustion settles on his face. The facade he’s been building crumbles in the wake of vulnerability. Now you feel slightly guilty for asking, but you know you had to—not because you were nosy anymore, but partly because he needs to know that there is an alternate ending, one where he could be happy. That it was possible, you were proof.

“I understand the expectations of royals as much as you do. However, I refused to give up that part of my life to my duties. I saw how taxing it could be from the outside looking in. Sometimes it works, other times it doesn’t. I couldn’t leave that up to chance, and I believe you shouldn’t have to either. So what if the royal family judges you? They’re going to do that regardless. If they are, why not live for yourself? You don’t have much to gain from the marriage anymore. Your daughter’s nearing adulthood, right?”

Stolas numbly nods, hanging onto every word. “Then set yourself free before you drive yourself mad trying to keep up with appearances.”

Stolas is at a loss for words. No one has ever cared enough about him to offer such kind words of support. Not his father, not his wife, not even those with whom he sought intimacy. Yet here you are, a stranger, offering him hope. He feels himself choking up with emotion, but he expertly covers it with a cough and a polite smile behind his hand.

However, you can see just how much your words have affected him when you look into his glossed-over eyes. It's like looking at freshly polished rubies. You fear if you confess that the tears he hasn’t shed will flow. Heavens when did you become so soft…

His hand moves from his lips to rest over his heart, which beats so aggressively against his ribcage that he might be concerned if he weren't immortal. You are dangerous for his health, he thinks, when you tilt your head cutely, causing his heart to flutter momentarily before finding its appropriate rhythm again. His throat tightens as he tries to swallow with a dry mouth.

“That might be the kindest and most genuine advice anyone has given me… thank you,” he mutters, afraid to speak louder than a whisper for this conversation. Stolas's face grows hot as he confesses his next words, a hint of longing in his voice, “I wish I had stood up for myself then. Maybe things would have been different…”

“It’s never too late to do what’s right by you.” you reply without a beat, nodding in all seriousness.

“You’re right!” Stolas steps closer to you, moving his hand closer to yours. “It’s time to live for myself. I think I deserve that much. You’ve given me much to think about.” His hand hesitantly brushes against yours. “But I do believe it’s my turn for a question.”

You perk a brow at his change in tone, noticing it drop an octave but it doesn’t match the coy smile he sends you. “I said it before: it’s only fair after the little discomfort I caused you,” you remind him, side-eyeing him, standing rigid and unsure of the sudden change in atmosphere.

He chuckles softly, finally taking your hand in his, “The only discomfort I felt was at that stuffy party, which was soothed by your presence,” he replies, before dipping down to place a gentle kiss on the back of your hand. “Can we do this again? Going out, I mean.” Rising back up but not letting go of your hand, he continues, “I enjoy your company, and your honesty is a breath of fresh air compared to everyone sugar-coating. You’re the first person I’ve met who shares my interests too. It would be a shame, on my part, to leave it at this.”

Your purse your lips, brows furrowed. Since attending this party, nothing has gone right. Instead of leaving alone, you ended up escaping with the prince, and now he wants to see you again. It wouldn’t be an issue if it weren’t for the subtle hints he been giving since you’ve met. Let’s not forget that he is still married.

Despite how shitty a marriage it may be, he was taken. Not that it was your intention to steal him away in the first place. This could only end badly if people were to take your sudden friendship the wrong way. Now getting out of an arranged marriage with someone else was one thing, but having a situationship with the prince of Hell was another.

How were you going to spin this? You avert your eyes from his, filled with anticipation and hope, ignoring the gentle squeeze of his hand in yours. “I don’t think that’s a good idea, your highness.”

Stolas coaxingly coos gently, drawing your attention to your hands, which he interlocks. "Oh, please? We could have it at your place this time if it'll make you more comfortable."

"Oh fuck me," you groan, closing your eyes and rubbing the back of your neck with your free hand, missing the way Stolas bites his lip as a shiver slithers through his body. You reluctantly agree, opening your eyes, "Alright... You have to give me time to get everything up to par for a prince."

"Not need! For company like yours, I’m fine anywhere."

rules, masterlist

[jichanxo]

two birds with one stone sounds right. as much as yagami does mess with his plans, i think kuwana can see he won't look away from what he perceives as injustice, and that certainly means something personal. choosing to step in and not to look away is an admirable thing, even if it's not necessarily convenient for kuwana.

i mean. i also put a disclaimer at the end of my ask so we're probably feeling similarly. i feel odd sometimes talking about these two like i'm some kind of authority, because i feel like half the time someone is going to come out of nowhere and call my bluff. i love these two and i certainly have opinions on them, but i feel like i'm operating based on vibes rather than a concrete understanding of them as characters. especially true of yagami, since it took me a while to warm up to him, which means i'm not as brushed up on JE as i could be. I can talk about him in relation to kuwana, but he's a whole person with his own experiences and people in his life, and anything I say about yagami isn't going to be as deep or nuanced as someone who is more familiar with the text. anyway. hopefully i'm going to replay JE/LJ soon, because i love them, but love can only get you so far. dialogue helps a lot though for sure, and i love taking little bits and pieces from other people. short kuwana? great. kuwana listens to nickelback? love it. kuwana calls yagami "pretty boy" sincerely but yagami initially misreads it as a jab? so fucking good. here we are enjoying our blorbos in public and letting our interpretations be enhanced by other peoples' readings

coming to your ask box to tell you that what you said about kuwana being protective of yagami is real and true actually. if kuwana weren't so busy trying to keep himself safe, he'd be doing more to try and keep yagami out of this (though he also desperately wants to be with him more). kuwana knows that yagami can handle a few scratches (and an explosion apparently, lmao) but he would take it very personally if anything ever happened to yagami ....i think. perhaps we're having shared delusions

thank you jichan, you're still the only one ever

yeah. though, he knew if he just went and disappeared without letting yagami know where he's going, it would kinda slow his process of getting into shit and endangering himself, even if for a bit. if kuwana actively and purposely involved him into everything, yagami would be in much more trouble i think. killing him was always an afterthought for RK, but if he'd be involved with kuwana more, well... it just paints a target on his back. and yagami wouldn't try to hide. he has ties to other people, he has something to lose.

so pushing yagami away and out of this all was a bit "two birds with one stone" kind of situation

though he also desperately wants to be with him more

yeah lol, i just realized that when kuwana gives him the pendant so he'd help ehara, he says that yagami is the only one he can trust with it, and like, really? you have lots of accomplices whose actions you can literally control, jeez, man xD

and of course kuwana suspected (or anticipated) that yagami would use this against ehara, so there's that also. but. his motivations are a mess, so we can be a little delusional about this as well i think

and an explosion apparently, lmao

explosion is nothing compared to all injuries yagami suffered in the end of JE, kuwana figured, he can survive a little explosion <3 it'd be good for him <3

but he would take it very personally if anything ever happened to yagami

no no, you're right. i mean, he does beat himself up over sawa, as well as mitsuru. he couldn't not feel responsible if this case would lead to yagami's demise as well. if anything, i can't say that kuwana doesn't care about other people. he even cares about his students even knowing that they despise him (i can't stop thinking about the fact that he agreed to meet with yagami so they'd release mamiya... it's not like he was afraid she'd spill everything, i mean, he tells yagami about a lot of things himself)

or maybe i really want to think that kuwana is a better person than he actually is. idk.

tbh i doubt my characterization of them a lot, hence all these disclaimers lol. and i really want to know other's opinions and why i can be wrong in how i view them? i mean, we are a small community. i can see people disagreeing with me, though in silence. but i want to discuss this, because i strive to see all sides of things, and i think it's fun to take their relationship apart again and again

i re-watch quite, uh. let's say, often the cutscenes featuring the two of them, and sometimes the moments where there's only mentions of them. i've started to write an "analysis" of each scene and their (presumed) reactions to their interactions, because it really does make things clearer in my head. i'm replaying the game rn, trying to see anything beyond my insanity lmao, but it's still just one view on things, you know? i really want to have a discussion and see where i can be wrong. and just... it'd be fun to listen other people talking about my favourite characters.

(is this approach insane? of course! but i'm having fun at the very least, and if i can have fun two years after i've finished LJ for the first time, well, i'll take it.)

when i say that i think about them a lot, i really mean it lol. (that's not my first rodeo, so business as usual for me.) but even if i strive to open-minded, and even if i re-visit canon again and again, it's hard to not be biased about lots of things.

and, yeah, i'm really glad to hear that you agree with me on this hc. but even if you, or anyone else, didn't, i'd want to hear all about it

[1chaerry]

in your eyes

summary: for as long as Ace knew Saram, she always held a strange gaze in her eyes whenever she saw him. even now, as they are adults, everything about them changed, but that look in her eyes stayed the same

c.w: angst, dimension, au, open ending, Marineford, ace lives, trauma, imposter syndrome, romance (?)

w.c: 1.6k

Reader is called 'Saram' meaning 'Human/Person'

"Ace?"

"Yeah?"

"I won't let you die."

Ace frowned at Saram's words before laughing. She always said the strangest things. Since the day Dadan introduced her to the ASL trio, she had always been an enigma. Her words, her behaviour, her gaze - it all felt as if she was never fully present, her mind always somewhere else, always running. After Sabo's death, Ace and Luffy became even closer, brothers, that they were.

"What stupid crap are you saying now?" Ace laughed, ruffling Sarah's hair. She simply smiled, that damn smile. He looked into her eyes, that damn look was always present. In that gaze, Ace always felt like Saram could see through him, like she knew him more than he knew himself.

And Portgas D. Ace was afraid of that.

Dismissing her words, Ace simply shook his head and headed back to the house with her. Lately, Ace had been feeling restless. He wanted to go on his journey already. He wanted to set sail already but something kept him from going. He didn't understand what it was. Ace never felt so restless. Glancing down at the woman beside him, he wondered, why was Saram always so steady? So calm.

Saram, to Ace, always felt far away. Like her mind was always running, her thoughts never stopping. His eyes always tried to avoid her gaze because it felt as if she could see through him. And there was always this strange emotion in her gaze that he could not decipher. Something deep and dark. Something solemn.

Ace never could find out what it was.

Saram knew immediately that the world she had fallen into was of One Piece. Way before the beginning of the series. Way before everything began. Before Ace's death. Saram saw herself in Ace. Difference was that Saram could never find the family Ace found within the Whitebeard Pirates and his brothers. People loved Ace. Saram wondered why he couldn't understand? (But then again, Saram also never understood that people loved her too.)

Ace was so close yet so far from her reach.

Whenever she saw him, his smile and his death would flash by her eyes. She would remember the way she cried when she saw his death and how much it had affected her. For Saram, Portgas D. Ace was everything she wished for and everything she could never be. For her, he was what she wanted to protect against the world.

"What stupid crap are you saying now?" Ace laughed, ruffling her hair. She simply watched him. Watched him smile. Watched him laugh. Watched him spar. Watched him grow up. Watched him get ready to leave.

Saram watched like she always did.

Ace was out of her reach.

Like he always was.

"In your eyes, Ace, what do I look like?"

Saram asked Ace, he was in the process of getting ready to leave the island - Luffy had gone back to get the last of Ace's things. He paused in his administrations, he turned towards Saram, his eyes meeting her own - that damn look was present like always.

"You have always approached everything terrible trustfully. You have always wanted to let everyone monster. Saram, you are someone who befriends monsters, not trying to tame them, but to understand them."

As he spoke, Saram wondered, was he talking of her or of himself - Ace was the one who talked to her despite how much of a bad person she was - he didn't turn away from her when he saw her fight. (He didn't look away when she killed someone who tried to harm him and Luffy.)

Ace wondered if she knew that he was talking of her. Of how she didn't condemn him to be doomed like the world did since his birth. How she looked at him like he was worth something to be looked at it. Like someone who was not completely doomed to failure. Like someone who was still human. (Her eyes never faltered upon him, even when he killed that man who tried to kidnap her.)

"Saram."

Ace wondered if she could see the way his voice trembled when he called her name. Ace never was good with his feelings - even as a child and now as an adult - he found them tantalising, terrifying.

"Ace."

Her gaze was locked onto his. Ace loved her eyes but that look she carried scared him yet intrigued him. He found himself lost in her, her very essence seemed to always dismantle his walls.

"Will I ever see you again?"

Ace couldn't help but ask. He felt that if he left today, if he left her behind today - he would not see her again. And Saram smiled. That damn smile that always made him weak. Made him feel human. She ought to be a devil. How else could she be so quiet yet so loud? How else could her gaze make him feel so bare?

"Even if I see you again, I will never see you again."

And Ace knew exactly what she meant.

Saram watched his boat sail away. Watched him leave.

Eventually, Saram, too, disappeared from the island a few days later. A simple letter to Luffy and a simple goodbye to Dadan - the bandit may have been harsh on them growing up, but she knew that the woman loved them like her own - Saram was gone.

When Luffy met Ace in Arabasta, neither expected that Saram was missing. Ace, on the hunt for Teach, wondered would he ever see her again? Wondered if he would never know what her parting words to him meant. Saram's disappearance was strange. No one knew where she was, who she was. Luffy's crew and Ace's crew could only hear her stories and wonder, if Saram was as important as they held her, why could they never say anything about her that was not of their memory with them?

It was as if, Saram, had no life except be in their own.

That was the tragedy of it all.

"I won't let you die, Ace."

Those words echoed in his ears as he and Luffy were pushed to the side. It felt like static in their surroundings. Her eyes met his and time stopped. She was smiling. She was smiling at Ace while Akainu's fist had impaled her.

"Saram!"

Luffy and Ace screamed as they held her, her crimson blood dripping non-stop. They never knew blood could be so warm, so red, so dense. They never wanted to know.

"Listen, Ace, Luffy."

Her voice was calm. Why was she so calm? Why was she not blaming them for not being able to save her?

"Don't die. Please, don't die. You guys still have to live. Please."

And as Ace held her gaze, he finally realised what that look in her eyes was.

Since the day they met, when they ate together, sparred together, sailed together, fought together, smiled together, laughed together, cried together, looked at each other - Saram only ever had that one look. That look Ace never understood. Yet now he did. Now, when it was too late, he knew what it meant.

Love.

Saram loved him.

She loved him since their roads intertwined. Since, Dadan introduced her to him. Loved him when he went on that Stupid date with the bartender. When he was drunk. When he fell asleep on the table. When he cried. When he was a wreck. Saram loved him, even when he left her behind on that island for a life of adventure. (Stupid, stupid, Ace - who would never know that Saram loved him before he even knew of her existence.)

And Portgas D. Ace loved her, too.

"In your eyes, S-Saram, what do I look like?" Ace asked, crying.

"You look like Ace. The sun and moon met and their love created you. You did not abandon me, even when I abandoned myself. You're the blood in veins, the air in my lungs, Ace."

Ace wondered if he could ever love someone so deeply, so unadulterated, so raw.

Three people entered Marineford that day.

Three people came out.

Two people escaped.

One person lost it all.

And that was the tragedy of it all.