#how many days until my dopamine returns

[starqueensthings]

but remember this gut punch?

[navybrat817]

How Far Down

Pairing: Mickey Henry x Female Reader Summary: Mickey is bad for you, but you just can't stay away. Word Count: Over 2.1k Warnings: Explicit sexual content, semi-public fingering, implied public sex, unhealthy relationship, codependency, bittersweet, spooky vibes, Mickey Henry (he's a warning, okay?). A/N: Fic #3 for Navy's Trick or Treat Nonsense! @tavners , thank you for suggesting Mickey and semi-public sex! I hope I did it justice. ❤��� Not beta read and written on my phone, so any and all mistakes are my own. Divider by the talented @firefly-graphics and Mickey edit by @rainbowkisses31 . Please follow @navybrat817-sideblog for new fics and notifications. Comments, reblogs, feedback are loved and appreciated!

Mickey was like a drug to you. His touch sent dopamine through your body, the pleasurable sensation bringing you to new heights again and again. You needed more of him to satisfy your craving. He delivered every single time.

But being addicted to a man as free spirited as him was like trying to catch the wind in your hand. He slipped through your fingers quicker than sand. When the inevitable comedown happened, it left you disappointed with the harsh reality that he would never truly be yours. So you walked away.

Until he called you back to him.

"It's the Halloween bash. C'mon. We'll have fun."

You should’ve had the strength to ignore him or say “no”, but you were helpless to resist his call. You asked for the address when you messaged him back and hoped you didn’t sound too eager. One night wouldn’t hurt. You’d only stay long enough to make an appearance and you’d be on your way. Besides, it was a party and Mickey had a job to do.

He wouldn’t notice if you left early.

“Better not bail on me or you’ll hurt my feelings. And I’ll hunt you down.”

You wouldn’t dream of bailing on him. The thought of hurting his feelings produced a pain in your chest so great that you thought your heart would give out. That was one of the things that scared you about Mickey. You gave so much of yourself away and did you get enough in return?

It would be fun if he hunted me down.

The day leading up to the party was a blur, your stomach twisted in knots as you got ready. You had no reason to be nervous. It was a night of fun to be had and nothing more. As long as you didn’t let Mickey suck you back in, you’d be fine.

There was a line out the door of the club as you arrived and you wondered just how long people were waiting to get in. Mickey instructed you to give your name to the bouncer, which you did. For a second, you didn’t expect your name to be on the list. He could’ve done it as a prank to get back at you for walking away. It was a silly thought. He was many things, but he wasn’t cruel.

Still, you let out a sigh of relief as the bouncer let you go right in. If that wouldn’t have worked, you would’ve tried to flirt with him. Your slutty angel costume left little to the imagination, which was both sexy and ironic. You never felt angelic or innocent around Mickey, but it was fun to be in his presence.

The halo fell from my head a long time ago.

Orange and purple strobe lights flashed in time with the music, giving the club a perfect Halloween glow as the bodies moved along the dance floor. The array of costumes brought a smile to your face. Everyone was having fun, uncaring of what happened tonight. Problems would still be there tomorrow, so why not let loose?

“There you are.”

You heard Mickey over the music and blinked a few times, not remembering walking through the crowd to get to his booth. Your throat constricted as the two of you locked eyes. While you were some form of an angel, he had demon horns and an open red shirt. The light around him accentuated his muscles and gave him an ominous glow as he walked around the table, grinning as held out a hand for you.

It only took you a second to take it.

“Knew you couldn’t resist my invitation,” he said, jumping down to join you on the floor instead of pulling you up to the booth. “Though a small part of me wants to punish you for staying away for so long. Why did you run away from me?”

Part of the charm of Mickey was that he didn’t come across as arrogant. Playful, the life of the party, and someone who encouraged you to make the best out of bad situations, but never full of himself. You admired that. He was also unreliable, too spontaneous. A distorted dream of a man that you could never have.

“You know why I left,” you reminded him, putting your arms around his shoulders. “But we could both use some fun, so why not take you up on your offer?”

“And that’s just what I am, aren’t I? A good time,” Mickey smiled, slipping an arm around your waist to drag you against him. “Everyone’s having a good time tonight.”

Even if you didn't leave at the end of the night with Mickey, you knew it wouldn't be a boring evening. Watching him in his element was hotter than you cared to admit, the gorgeous man making everyone get lost in the music and atmosphere. It was like he encouraged people to lose their inhibitions. No one cared about the consequences.

They lived like there was no tomorrow.

The flashing lights reflected off his blue eyes as you gazed at him, but they almost looked black. “We can’t have too much fun,” you teased as he began to grind his hips against yours.

“Why not?”

You sighed and wondered if he was trying to goad you or if he really didn't get it. “Because we both know how this’ll end and I'm a little tired of it.”

Mickey would happily go on his way while you were left with a void in your soul. The worst part was you were certain he didn’t do it on purpose. The bond between the two of you wasn’t pure enough to be love, so why would you expect him to treat you like you were his other half?

“Why does it have to end at all? C'mon. You and I always have fun together,” he argued, grabbing your chin with a firm hand so he could lick you from your chin to your forehead. “Besides. Your aura is so delicious. I've missed it.”

A lustful sigh left your lungs before you attempted to step back. The smile on his face looked strange. “My aura? What the fuck are you talking about?”

Mickey threw his head back as he laughed, his chest shaking as his fingers dug into your hip. He sometimes struck you as a man more intelligent and deeper than he let on, but always swayed you from those thoughts with a slip of his tongue or the slide of his cock. He was lust in human form. But he led you down a path with no end.

So why did you follow him?

“You know what I mean. Your whole glow screams lust. And lust is a sin that feeds itself and grows,” he said as he pushed your costume up your thigh. It didn’t matter that there were others close by where anyone could see. And you didn’t put up a fight. It wouldn't be the first time you fooled around with people mere feet away. That was part of the fun. “But I don't need to feed myself with you around. You feed me plenty.”

At that moment, you almost wondered if Mickey’s costume was real as he hooked a finger in your panties and moved them aside. He could easily lure people in under the guise of a good time. Lost in his hypnotic gaze, you moaned as his finger circled your hole. “It's like you really are a demon,” you breathed as one finger pushed inside you, making you clamp around him.

His teeth flashed in a wicked smile as the digit moved in shallow thrusts. “Demons come in all forms. All shapes and sizes,” he said as you frowned. He had to be kidding. “This city is my playground with plenty of people to play with.”

You smiled after a second, playing along. “Is that what you're doing? Playing with me?”

“You make it easy to play with, even when I have to chase you. Though I didn't exactly chase you, did I? All it took was a text,” he said, though you didn't feel insulted at the implication of how easy it was to get you there. “And dressing up like an angel? You’re far from being immune to temptation.”

It wasn't fear that moved through you, but your smile slipped all the same even as he dragged a finger in and out of you. “I, oh, was kidding about the whole demon thing.”

The gorgeous grin was back on his face. “So was I.”

He sealed his lips against yours as he pushed another finger in, the feeling making your head spin as you rocked your hips. Wantonly, you practically humped his hand as he took what he wanted from you. It was pathetic that you allowed him in so easily, but didn’t he always make you feel good?

“You’re bad for me,” you whined, gasping when he bit down on your bottom lip.

“The worst,” he agreed, pressing his palm hard against your clit. “But you’re so good for me, aren’t you? Such a good girl.”

The praise warmed you as your moans got louder.

“I could fuck anyone here tonight, but it’s you I want,” he went on, curling his fingers just the way you needed him to. “My filthy, desperate angel. You’ll let me do whatever I want to you and you won’t stop me. Do you know how good that makes me feel that you want me so badly?”

You wanted to argue that he was wrong, but how could you deny his words when you were so close? And he was right. He could fuck anyone he wanted, but his fingers were deep inside you because you were special. You meant something to him.

Right?

“You want me, too,” you stated, but the words came out like a whimper, lost in the music.

“Of course, I do. You’re my favorite. That’s why I wanted you here with me tonight,” he smirked, the words as empty as how you felt when the sun came up. But you believed him because you wanted to believe him. That it didn’t matter if he took other lovers because they didn’t mean anything to him. He was still your addiction and you wanted to get high. “Now come on my fingers. I know you can do it.”

With a shudder, you did as he said and soaked his fingers with your juices. He licked into your mouth as it went slack from pleasure, an almost smug hum reverbirating as the digits continued to glide along your walls. The familiar haze washed over you as he guided you through your orgasm. If anyone around you noticed, they didn’t care.

Neither did you.

“Delicious,” he purred as he drew his fingers out and shoved them into your mouth. “How do you feel?”

Licking your taste from his fingers, you swallowed with a heavy heart. “Empty,” you admitted, the high crashing even sooner than usual. You hated it. You wanted it to go away.

You needed to go, but your feet wouldn't allow you to move.

He didn’t look at all offended by your answer. Instead, a pleased smile spread across his face. “That’s because my fingers are never enough. You need my cock.”

You both knew you weren't going anywhere. Why argue? “I need your cock,” you agreed. All he had to do was fill you up and it would make it better.

“Bend over my table and I’ll give it to you,” he promised with a glint in his eye. It was like staring into an abyss and you wondered how deep it went. Would you ever reach the bottom if you fell?

“But the crowd-”

“They won’t even notice. They'll just think we're grinding to the music,” he said, gracefully hopping on the stage as you followed with shaky limbs. “And even if they did, who gives a fuck? They’ll wish they were in your place, but they never will be. You know why?”

“Because I’m special?”

“Yeah, you are. My favorite angel who feeds me well,” he assured you, the void in your chest slowly starting to grow smaller as he brought your back to his chest. “But don’t ever walk away from me again, okay? It'll only hurt us both.”

There was no sarcasm in his tone. Only truth.

“I won't walk away,” you said, letting him pull your dress up again as he pressed his clothed cock against your ass.

You'd always come back if he called.

“That's my girl” he praised, lightly biting your earlobe. “Now hold onto the table so we can have some real fun.”

With a nod and a smile, you fell into the abyss.

Why is he so pretty? Love and thanks for reading! 🧡

Masterlist ⚓ Misc Sebastian Stan Characters ⚓ Ko-Fi

[thegratefulsouth]

TWD Caryl - A Tree Fell in the Forest

I just finished watching TWD and searching a bunch tonne of stuff on this here Tumblr which I'm brand new to, and I have thoughts.

I am strangely drawn to imperfection, its beauty, and TWD sits in this place, hovering near almost faultlessness (characters), to being nearly unwatchable (where did the characters go), sometimes within the same episode. It's utterly fascinating! I am hooked! A little late, yes, but isn't that the story of my life.

I honestly have not felt this way about characters since the late 90's, when my 17 year old Willoz shipping heart waited desolately for Oz to return, and ... we all know how that turned out. Ah, shipping. I literally had not shipped a single ship since that day. Until I watched The Same Boat. TWD has some pretty special characters. Though I love Bojack and Ozark and Travis Fimmel's Ragnar, I did not feel compelled to examine the inner workings of those beautiful humans/humanoids beyond the show.

There I was, happily not shipping a ship, apart from my own relationship with my own beloved, which I ship ecstatically every day. (This is the kind of ramble I can indulge in when I think readership will be non-existent). Got another ship in!

Anyway, my point is that a Caryl romance is clearly canon, even though the relationship isn't (yet?).

I didn't actually fall in love with Carol until she listened to my urgent pleas to take care of the Wolves at the start of season 6. I should point out that I have ADHD so I didn't always have the dopamine? Emotional regulation? Focus? To listen to all of your speeches, Rick, or to watch entire episodes devoted to new characters, Tara, Magna, Alpha. So, apparently, I missed entire stuff.

Even after "C'mere", I just thought Carol and Daryl had this extremely unique soulmate bond, like that of Ragnar and Athelstan in Vikings. It is an extremely rare and unique portrayal of a transcendental devotion that cannot be likened to any other kind of relationship, because there are no other relationships like it. The bind encompasses every aspect of love and support needed to utterly fulfull and complete someone.

At this point I had stumbled onto Tumblr because I realised I needed pro-Carol recaps from Carylers, as they seemed to best understand and grasp this very special character. I went back and rewatched from the beginning and I was shocked. I rewatched (and noticed for the first time) the flirting, the hesitation, the banter, the unspoken LOOKS, oh so many. Drew the links from Consumed ("I kinda like it." "Stop.") Watched interviews, waded through the mass of gaslighting that abounds, which seems to wrap itself around every subtle, telling moment.

Why? Because it's fascinating. A mystery. Pretending something that happened, did not? A tree fell in the forest and some people did not hear it. Well I didn't hear it either! But I went back and found the tree. That tree is on the damn ground.

Carol and Daryl are so in love with each other it hurts. Their romance exists. Therefore, I'm gonna ship it.

TGS

[cosmic-ghost-hermit]

Heyo! All the art on these readings is drawn by me. Take what you can from the reading and leave all that does not resonate behind but always be open to new perspectives.

The archetype reading was inspired by the deck I used today. The guide book uses examples from anime to fit the descriptions of the tarot cards. I thought that was really clever so I decided to build off that idea and tell you what archetype you are most drawn to wants to tell you. In short, this is really a message from a specific cards energy. I hope this helps anyone who might be struggling!

PILE 1

Crystal: Tigers Eye

Character: Badtz-Maru

Archetype: The Empress

Astrology: Taurus ♉️, Libra ♎️, Pisces ♓️, Virgo ♍️

Dear pile 1, you are represented by the empress of this deck. The archetype you embody is someone who is luxurious, modest, kind and attentive. You care deeply for those you love and would do anything to assist them and make their life easier. You are a fantastic friend, partner and companion. You don’t necessarily have to be a woman to embody that energy. The message this part of you wants to tell you is that your kindness is being taken for granted. Your attentiveness is being discarded as if the love you gave isn’t worth anything. Your intuition is telling you to withdraw from the connection that is causing this. You maybe started this friendship or connection a while ago but you have started to notice this pattern from the other party in this relationship. They don’t return your love. They don’t say thank you when you go out of your way to be good to them. This doesn’t mean you should necessarily cut them off. Just don’t go out of your way anymore. They are undeserving if they cannot be grateful to you for all you do. I see if you did stop it would barely be noticed at first. However, the person will slowly realize how much you did to assist them. How much work you did was important and helped them get through the day easily. If they apologize and communicate they did wrong that won't necessarily be your queue to go back to scratching their back. You need to wait for them to lend their assistance to you. That will be your invitation to return to being kind. Until then use the extra time you have working on your passion projects and aiming for your dreams.

🖤✒️🔎💻🕋🛞♟️🎤🎼🎱🏴🪨🐕‍🦺🕶️🎩🐦‍⬛💣🎵🎶♣️♠️🏴‍☠️👁️‍🗨️

PILE 2

Crystal: Flower Agate

Character: Keroppi

Archetype: The Devil

Astrology: Leo ♌️, Aquarius ♒️, Capricorn ♑️, Gemini ♊️

Hey pile 2! Your archetype is the devil. Don’t worry though, for this doesn’t make you evil or bad. All this communicates to me is you are an enjoyer of the darker parts of life. You enjoy what other people usually fear. This is definitely not something horrible you should shame yourself about. I see you probably enjoy altered states of reality or perhaps you are very free with your sexual expression. I see you like the taste of control, power and vengeance. Again not a bad thing in my mind. Humans have many states of being and no part of existence is incorrect. Your message from the devil archetype is not asking you to cold turkey your behavior. However, I think it is saying balance is super important when you dabble in darkness. You might be prone to addiction to literally anything you can get dopamine from. I am an addict as well. I know how hard restraint can be. Even doing this reading is giving me cravings to be honest so I know you deal with cravings constantly. Your cards are saying it doesn’t matter if you feed the addiction. You will always be starving for more. You will always be chasing something you can never achieve. Please take care of your body before the cravings lead to worse. When I was dealing with my addiction I ended up in the hospital multiple times. It would have killed me if I hadn’t stopped. It is okay to dabble in darkness but seriously I beg you, from the bottom of my heart please moderate. Moderation is key to keeping yourself safe. If you are meant to have the darkness, it will be in your grasp. If you are in need of a break. Trust the universe when it takes it away. You are not evil for needing. I want to reiterate that because I know how it feels to need something that hurts you.

💚🦈🪀🧃🍵🪦🥗🥒🥑🌪️🫒🍸🍏🥝☘️🌱🥈⚓️🪴🎍🐍🦎🚬👒🤢

PILE 3

Crystal: Carnelian

Character: Tuxedo Sam

Archetype: Emperor

Astrology: Cancer ♋️, Aries ♈️, Sagittarius ♐️, Scorpio ♏️

Hey, pile 3! Your archetype is the emperor. You are a force to be reckoned with. A master of your craft and skilled beyond other people's wildest imaginations. You have a plan and have been putting so much energy into it. You know exactly what you want and exactly how to get it. Your cards are pretty straight forward just like you are. They are telling me that working hard is good! That your progress is fantastic and you have made it so far! However, the pace you are keeping at is almost unsustainable. You can’t juggle all of the tasks you are trying to keep under control. You cannot do it all by yourself. That isn’t logical! Humans are not solitary creatures. We need community and connection to continue on. Humans who have been left alone for too long go hecking crazy! You absolutely can handle all of it mentally. I am not saying you are incapable because you are SO CAPABLE. Rome was not built in a day. Masterpieces are not made out of minutes, they are made out of days or months or years. You are creating a masterpiece so allow yourself time to think about it. Allow yourself the space to brainstorm and be patient with your body and your creativity. Be gentle with yourself. You are only one person and the secret you are missing is that you are not alone. The silly little secret is that you don’t need to set a deadline for the greatness you are going to grow into. One of my favorite artists didn’t make it when he was 20. He grew into his greatness when he was 35. Does that make him any less of a great artist? Absolutely not!!! You are cool, awesome and wonderful! Why do you need to prove that when you already know it is true?

💙💤🌀🪬🌨️🧿💎🚿🧊🫐🌊🌧️🌬️💨🌏🦋🪼🐬🧢🫂🥶💠

-ghost 🖤🩵

[twoinoneflesh]

June 17th, 2024

jesus wept. and yet, i think we all weep more.

i sit alone in a cafe. they have this large glass garage door. today, it is only 55 degrees fahrenheit, and they have the bottom of this huge door cracked. it tickles my ankles. as the breeze rushes in through its 14 inches of freedom, i find little goosebumps in little places. i sit right next to the door because the sting of chilly breezes in june makes me feel alive, even if it feels wrong.

i hear a song that makes me feel alone. isolated in my nostalgia. lonely, i sip on hot chocolate that i expect to burn my lips and the tip of my tongue, but it never does. sirens blaze. i can see the cop shop from this impressive window, not a very impressive view.

i take a bite of an orange that i expect make me feel something, and it is not what i anticipate. it tastes of the essence of all purpose cleaner, as if it had no flavor at all until someone spritzed mrs meyers in its general vicinity without a second thought. i eat it anyways. i tear away the pith, my hands now smell of it.

i havent written for a few days. i worked a triple. 13 straight hours, 2 hours of rest, and then another 8 hours. i do not get lunch breaks. i do not really get breaks at all. for 2 days i could barely bring myself to leave bed. my fatigue knows no bounds. i used to have to do this every day, at least now it is only every couple of weeks. i think about all the ways i can to leave the industry and recover, i draw blanks.

i go to the cafe to write, and now, i do not want to write. there are many ways in which i feel deeply unhappy with myself. i do not want to write them, but i should. i wait for sin to get off work so we may exist in the same space together again. sin is married but the two of us are more like a married couple than sin and their wife are, but that is because sin is in love with the people who can't figure out how to love them in return.

i shiver in in the cafe and i take a long draw from a contraband device. i try hard not to get caught, the breeze aids me in this even though it overwhelms my senses. i cant make it a day without smoking. my dopamine left me long ago, and this is the only way i find comfort when the pangs of panic arrive.

im supposed to clean today. i would rather return to bed. i think the depression has reared its ugly head once again. i need a haircut. i need a vacation. i need a new job. i need to get laid. i need to move. i need to leave this city. i need to reinvent myself. i need to be a parent. i need to own a farm. i need to get away. i need

[sorencd]

day trip date hcs

a/n: a short thingy i needed to barf out!! after listening to day tripper for like the thousandth time the thought of going on a cute little road trip to the next state with wilson stuck with me whshsehd enjoy! AND!! AND the steven one is next this was just sitting in my drafts rotting for so long i had to post it dhasd

yesterday, you've already practically spent the entire morning until noon in bed lazing off in wilson's arms. only occasionally going out to grab something to eat and swiftly returning under the covers. now that you've recharged your drained out battery caused by a hectic last week, you brought up the idea of spending the day off on the road to wilson.

he loved it of course! he's already packing up all the stuff u need waaaay before you. he prepared the food, snacks, your favorite tunes, a map so u know where you two would like to stop, and of course he can't forget ur trusty camera!

you've decided to drive through west virginia and kentucky, and each time you saw something that you find interesting (even if it isn't that interesting) you'd ask wilson to stop for a bit and pose beside it so you could take a photo of him. and he would stand so awkwardly by it but his smile makes it all worth it!

"we need to take a photo of you and mothman."

"why?"

"you two would look so cute!"

and that brings u to him standing beside the infamous mothman, his thumbs up with a goofy smile and a pair of shades on him! u could've considered him a dad atp with the fit he was wearing.

and how could i ever forget singing songs with windows rolled down??? screaming the lyrics at the top of both your lungs like absolute loons??? you've seen so many confused looks from many of the cars you've passed by lol

and when the dopamine blast has settled down and the car is engulfed in silence, which is something u aren't really fond of since u can't last like more than 5 minutes without hearing wilson's voice, you'd be spitting random facts left and right.

"what do you know, female hyenas have dicks. huh. did you know that?"

"??? did i need to???"

he's grown accustomed to it and has learned to accept the sudden bombardment of unnecessary information.

you love feeding him the snacks he brought!! he suggested multipled times that he could always stop at a gasoline station or restaurant but you always insisted that you would give it to him instead. wilson wasn't one to complain though and happily obliged without hesitation.

your camera roll would be filled to the brim with both cute and silly photos!! there would be some polaroids scattered around the car of a close up of james' nose, or his eye, a weird selfie you took while he was focused on driving, or maybe him doing a funny expression beside a landmark u two stopped by to see!! your collection of polaroids that u put on the refrigerator door continues to grow by the second, and u love it!

when the day comes to an end and he's driving back home with the sun setting down, u tugged on his shirt and asked him to watch the sunset. he thought this only happened in movies! james could feel his heart swell when he looked to left to see your pretty face that he loved so much being hued by the setting sun on the horizon.

DUH how could he not kiss u at that moment??? he softly grabbed your chin to crane your head towards him and kissed you, causing a surprised yelp to escape your lips. and after that he jusy continued driving and left u all blushing and stuff lol

masterlist

© sorencd . 2023 ─ do not copy, repost, translate or claim any of my works as your own.

[solunstell]

Notes I've taken from the first three bsd novels... brainrot included

Entrance Exam:

Dazai is a terrible driver

Kunikida is scared of ghosts

Kunikida actually makes lots of references to Christianity. From the direct quote "Let there be light" when using a flashlight to "There is no difference between myself and them. Are we not all born on the same planet, only to ultimately return to the eternal heavens together in death? O divine creator, answer me." (I say Christianity because I know for a fact that the first quote is directly in the bible)

Karen Dazai

Dark Era:

Dazai is repeatedly noted as appearing younger than he is or compared to a child by Oda

This novel really helped me understand Dazai's relationship with suicide better. The way I read it, it seems like it's not about dying but almost dying to him, similiar to the dopamine rush of skydiving or mountain climbing. This lines up with the fact that he always makes dumb mistakes that fail the attempt, something that would be out of character if it were accidental mistakes.

I love Oda's narration. A bit dry and blunt. Very fitting for his story.

Untold Origins:

Naomi's suggestions for the entrance exam all being [redacted]. Also her characterization in this novel was great. Really helped me understand how the author intended her be written in a way that wasn't as transparent in the manga or anime.

Dazai says "methinks"

Kid Ranpo's voice is compared to a chicken

He also seems to have terribly hand-cut hair

Fukuzawa plays by the rules of the secretary's maze of papers, Ranpo does NOT

Oh my god Oda my boyyyyy

I noted that he is vengeful even in his assassin days

Also kinda funny how Oda's youngest appearance in the series and one of his oldest appearances in the series are both in scenes with Ranpo. I wonder if Ranpo knew...

The fact that Oda talks down about V killing for justice is very ironic.

Also, V being after a skill-less world is very similiar to the whole Fyodor Dostoyevsky thing

Natsume owed a debt to Ranpo's father

Throughout the novel, Fukuzawa notes how bad he would be at being a leader or in power. Ironic.

He also didn't know he was a skill user until after starting the agency haha. An interesting world building question is how many people have abilities that they just never know?

Ranpo autism moments:

Not eating the mochi

Getting confused over if he was using the word granted right ("You can’t take connections like this for granted… Wait. Taken for ‘granite’? ‘Granted’? Uh…”)

Immediately calling Fukuzawa's business card and saying “Please help me, Mr. Bodyguard, sir. I don’t have a job, and I’ve got no place to stay tonight. I’m going to die.”

Fukuzawa can hear him doing this over the phone and across the cafe

Actually the phone call is a bit desperate.. this entire meeting has been a bit desperate on Ranpo's part. It feels like he is trying to reach out to Fukuzawa and practically begging for help. The most interesting thing about the phone call is that it is the most honest Ranpo is about his emotions and motives in the entire meeting, and yet, he has his back to Fukuzawa the entire call. And when he gets what he wants - when he is accepted - he turns around with a big grin.

Psychoanalyzing Egawa and being confused as to why she gets mad

You have to be exact in what you ask with him or he WILL NOT know what you're really asking

My babyyy adults get mad when he speaks the truth cuz he's smart and blunt

"What's a skill user" sweetie it's the middle of a play

Ranpo NO TALKING in the middle of THE PLAY

RANPO NO

RANPO

RANPOOOOO

He's very physically expressive

He is often portrayed as more cool and collected by fanon, but this scene of the play, although it takes place when he is younger, really shows the depths of his emotions. He is confused. He is agitated. He is angry and scared. He doesn't know how to deal with his emotions and he doesn't know how to ask for help. And he has a breakdown at a really really dumb annoyance because it tips him over the edge. Probably one of my favorite scenes for his characterization.

And Fukuzawa doesn't invalidate his feelings.

His parents raised him so well. I would live an au where they didn't die and were able to bring him up the way they planned to. I think that would be fascinating to see how Ranpo would turn out.

Ranpo doesn't look down on others cuz his mother taught him not to.

Fukuzawa dad moments:

Says he'll feed this kid he doesn't know later if he keeps talking

Tempted to tell everyone in the restaurant that the kid just followed him there

“Hear that? Those are the wails of the mochi you left behind”

Tempted to say he's only thirty two when Ranpo calls him old

Ranpo basically adopted him as his dad

"Three times, Fukuzawa told Ranpo to quiet down as he whined for candy. Twice, Ranpo wore down Fukuzawa’s patience until he caved. Three times, Ranpo asked Fukuzawa why planes could fly. Four times, Fukuzawa convinced Ranpo to keep walking when he complained his legs were tired. Four times, Fukuzawa carried Ranpo on his back."

Keeps imagining ways to leave Ranpo

When Fukuzawa lashes out, Ranpo is legitimately stunned, even shaking for a while afterwards

Using a chi attack to make Ranpo think the glasses did something lmao

Fukuzawa chewing out Ranpo for the whole plan

[hollygl125]

On rabbit holes and fanfic (in my own life):

*This is a note I wrote for AO3/FFN, but I’ve been meaning for a while to write a post on how I—a member of the Oregon Trail generation—wound up signing up for Tumblr in January 2022, and this kind of hints at that, so I thought I might as well share it here, too.*

What follows is a TMI note on why I can’t make any promises on when the next chapter of this story will be up; please read or don’t, as pleases you.  I would like to state first, though, what I also state at the bottom of this note: thank you so, so, so very much for reading; your kind support means more than I can tell you.

So, I’m, ah… not very good at all this.

Two years ago now, as I was doing a “CSI as love story” rewatch and falling far, far, far down the GSR rabbit hole, I was also falling deep into ADHD burnout and overwhelming anxiety (without, at the time, realizing that I had either ADHD or a lifetime of anxiety).  By the time spring 2022 rolled around, I was lacking executive functioning abilities for even basic tasks, while my mind sought solace or dopamine or whatever it was with—you guessed it—these two lovely science nerds.

I read hundreds and hundreds of GSR fics, without managing to leave a single, solitary comment/review.  (I wanted to comment!  I couldn’t!  I’m not saying commenting would have killed me, but I just couldn’t do it; I wouldn’t have been able to continue reading if it were required, and obsessing over these two science nerds was basically all my mind could handle.  So when I tell you that I get that commenting can be too much sometimes, I get it.  I should also note my eternal gratitude to all the amazing GSR fic writers who—unknowingly—helped me during this time.)

I occasionally questioned whether I might try writing something about these science nerds, but I always dismissed that pretty quickly.  I’d never willingly undertaken a creative writing project in my life (unless you count my last dog’s Instagram).  For added context, until 2022, I had last (and first, for that matter) previously read fan fiction in the mid-2000s, when my favourites on The West Wing were taking their own sweet time.  So in January 2022, while desperate for more GSR content, I was like, “Is fanfic still a thing?  Is there GSR fanfic?”  I literally started by googling “GSR fan fiction.”  I’d never even heard of AO3 or FFN; I think the fic for The West Wing had been on Yahoo! Groups.

But I had all these romantic scenarios and headcanons and such constantly running through my head, and I was getting tired of having to recreate the dialogue for them every night as I fell asleep.  So eventually, in late June 2022, I thought maybe I should try writing something down—at some point in the future, once I’d had more time to prepare.  Naturally the next day my brain was like, no, now, now, we’re doing this now.  I had no conscious say in the matter.  I wasn’t sure whether I was going to post anything, but apparently I was going to write it.

I had a lot of fun writing out so many of my thoughts and feeling and hopes and dreams for our two lovely science nerds, and pretty soon I had a draft for this series of stories (although it was only a fraction of what I have now written).  I started posting the first story in September 2022.  Luckily I got to participate in a (also luckily, not very mentally taxing) overseas professional placement for several months at the end of 2022, and this was a welcome distraction from *everything else* about my life.

When I got home in winter 2023, the anxiety returned in full force.  I got an ADHD diagnosis, but neither that nor the anxiety are effectively managed yet.  And, truth be told, posting these stories gives me a lot of anxiety.  It’s sort of been a weekly cycle of posting, feeling very anxious about it for several days, talking myself back to a place of peace, getting ready to post again, posting again, rinse, repeat.  Sometimes I’ve found myself feeling too anxious to post, and the chapter/story in question has been pushed back by a week.

So I wasn’t exactly feeling great about the posting process, but I was still determined to proceed.  I had a posting schedule that would have seen me finish posting this story by the end of November (last month) then post the remaining four shorter stories over the next couple months.  (A few of them are synced to dates/times of year: the winter holidays and February, i.e., the anniversary of the AAFS conference.) But then, with the last chapter I posted, I was just too anxious/unhappy.  This may have been because I’d slightly accelerated my posting schedule and hadn’t left myself enough time to process everything; I’m not sure.  But I found myself looking at Tumblr gifs of our two lovely science nerds and feeling sad and resentful, not happy, and I realized that, if I continued on as I was doing at the time, I was going to destroy both my deep love of the characters and my own happy place.

So I told myself that I didn’t have to keep posting now—that, as much as I was determined to have the complete series of stories posted, I could do it in months or in a year or some other time when no one was left to read it; honestly, that thought made me feel a lot better.  But then I decided maybe I didn’t have to wait quite so long—that I could try posting once per month or something like that.  On the upside, I tell myself, this should also leave time for me to respond to comments more promptly and to go engage with other writers’ stories.  (I managed to go back and read and comment on a handful of stories this summer.  Commenting still gives me a lot of anxiety; at one point I felt like I almost gave myself a panic attack.  But I’m going to try to work at it.)  As of this morning, I have responded to all comments on these stories, including to comments by guests/people who aren’t logged in (unless I thought the comment was from a bot!).

I can’t promise when the next chapter will be posted.  My goal is for next month, but it really depends on how I feel after posting this one and how I feel next month.  I do hope you’ll come back to read it, though!

If you’ve read this far—both in this series and in this note—thank you so very much!  You certainly didn’t need to know all the information in this note, but I needed to share it, if you get what I mean.

Thank you so, so, so very much for reading and for your kind kudos, comments, follows, faves, and reviews.  Supportive comments/reviews always, always, always make my day.  Your support for this series of stories is truly what has allowed me to get even this far in posting these stories, and I appreciate it all more than I can tell you. 💛💛💛

[passionfruitmango]

I'm starting my vent post here, cancer season is doing it's thing and I'm up in my feels struggling to focus on fact

Yay I'm home and not yay I cannot leave until after sunset, there are too many people outside my building and everyone wants my attention, I just don't want to hear my government name while forcing small talk about my job, nor do i want to visit the lemonade stand with the parent flagging down tenants (mind you they don't even live here). I wanted to take out some garbage later and sit downstairs to try to ground myself and relax since I'm so yucky feeling today, but idk how fucking long the lemonade stand is going to be there. My social battery is NEGATIVE. I'm sorry I want to be fucking alone in peace without people feeling entitled to my ears and energy. Need to buy some fucking over ear headphones so people can stop assuming I can always hear them (I wear raycons for music)

I didn't realize how much the current climate of the US was getting to me, I'm genuinely spiralling about that and I can see how I've been using my furby obsession+consumerism to cope. It's also led me to thinking about semi irrational but not too far from reality fear based scenarios such as "how will I survive when/if the US loses internet?" I don't fit in with my local community and those that I do feel one with are nowhere near me. I'm stressing about how to become active in my community while simultaneously paralyzed with fear over who is and is not safe, since this county is very conservative and many people have made it loud and clear how "phobic/ist" they are of most things I am.

I really started feeling the 12H pain of "feeling like there's a glass window between you and others that prevents them from seeing you as who you are" today as I was "noticing" (I know I was projecting, but these things won't leave my head) how differently coworkers talk to me, if at all. Been in my head about how I'm a bad friend (because i am) and even as im typing this I see how silly that all is, because it doesn't really matter if people like me or not, but I crave the validation of others for my right to exist.

I'm sad that singing along to songs I love gives me anxious adrenaline when people are around now. I can't perform without feeling fear that someone will make a stupid comment. Is it even performing though if its just singing along to whatever bullshit is stimulating me through the workday?

Idk, I'm stressing over the fact I'm watching the US's pluto return in action, what good does talking about it do? It just solidifies the sad reality of the lies we were sold.

And I know it's so wrong to impulse buy things to get easy dopamine but it's that or drugs and I don't quite feel like doing dxm when i work the next day. I've also gotten myself to stop doing recreational drugs to cope. But also like, iykyk how hard it can be to say no to an old vice that you know gets your brain just soft enough to feel "okay" for a few days.

Ughughugh, I'm gonna feed my cats and shower.

[rainbowmoodring]

Not Goodbye, Just Until

I've had a poem Squirming around in my stomach All week Just waiting to go home So I could type Each Body Segment Out.

It's been impatient With my patience. But it enjoys How I sing As I explore the airport. It wiggles delightedly at the Thought of you, How you make me feel, And how it greedily Feeds Off my joy, So I never quite feel full. I could ask for more, More of you, As much as you could give, But thankfully You're the sensible one And I'm the one With a half more Mango mojito Being one of the many things Blushing my skin.

But the poem inside of me That yearns on my behalf Is teaching me to be Ever Slightly Bolder, Not as wild as I imagine, But enough to ask For you. Last night I was compelled the Whole way home To ask you later to kiss me, Hold me, make me feel like You didn't want me to go either. But all I could get out Once you wrapped your Arms around me, Was,"I don't want to leave." And I didn't have to ask, Because the gentle pressure Of hands, of body, my face Ushered into your neck, Answered for me. I am free to be vulnerable With you, Silly with you, Be disappointed, learn with you, be and do “Anything I want, Forever.”

It's so funny to have so much To say And struggle to say it, To make the words Heard And understood with intent. So I enjoy the quiet And the listening Just as much. And how do I write All that I feel? Have felt this whole week? So much of it is a skipping Vinyl record, "I love you" scratch "I love you" scratch "I love you" scratch "I love you" shhpshhpshhpshhp (Don't leave your record in the su-hu-hun) And so many new feelings Difficult to describe. But I always want to be as clear As I can be, And you with me. Because frankly I don't think our anxiety Can handle it otherwise.

Yet, My skin is so clear, (My crops are watered), And while this return flight Is different from the last, Where I was giddy and bubbling over, This time, This time, I am glowing from my core. A dim, cozy glow, That feels like home.

To feel so safe with a lover, I really never thought I would. I trust you with me. The check-ins, The gauging reactions And making sure we're both happy And on the same wavelength, Especially in different places, Different paces. But god, I've never felt so safely loved. We are attuned to our energies, That we can beam cross-country, Felt effortlessly in a shared room, But harder to "feel," So I'll practice.

That it's you, With your strengths and Weaknesses, And how you fit so well As a bigger little spoon, And you laugh with me, Smile into my kisses, Make me feel like I Belong with you, Because that's what we chose, And continue to choose Every day. A day that you're a part of mine Is a better day. And it's already been a year, An entire year, Of loving you And being loved by you, And I can hardly believe it. Can you?

So while my poem has Gotten its fresh air While I'm miles up in a Dopamine blue sky, The stars are coming out, And I know you'll be able to see The same ones Soon, Starshine. I hope you're resting well, Alone again in pleasant self company, And that my touch Lingers Like a crawling phantom bug, But like, More pleasant. Like yours has.

I've left a part of me In Washington.

I am yours.

-

4.6.2024

[thegreatclowncat]

The results of a Fast

for the last 20ish days I picked something to fast, and so i took the opportunity to stop consuming entertainment: I could only create to keep busy. for the past three years, ive had so much trouble getting myself to do things i wanted to do! i could barely get myself to draw or to craft or to make anything. so i made it my only option.

No videos, unless they were tutorials on something i was currently making or instrumental music. No movies, no tumblr, no pinterest, no video games. The exception to this was that I could engage in all of these when I was hanging out at my bf's house twice per week.

I could only create to keep myself entertained, and let me say, I've never been so entertained in my life.

consumable entertainment was almost impossible to wean myself from before, but apparently dropping everything cold Worked. You know, with the extra backup that i am being watched with omniscience to keep me on track.

it was hard for the first two days. every time i was bored (every 30-60 minutes), instead of going to youtube to see what interesting thing there was, i was forced to pick which activity i would have the most fun with. So far I have started developing an app, learning how to use Godot, and composing creepy chiptune music. i made titanium jewelry. ive been dancing or at least exercising each day. I forgot about youtube and tumblr by day 3 (thank you, non-habit-forming-ness).

one thing that has helped infinitely much is that I got an app to ring a bell and tell me the time every 30 minutes, like the clock tower I used to live by. i no longer lose hours of my day because i cant tell that time is passing.

one thing i wasnt expecting: i usually have a hard time waiting for things. eg if i have to leave in 30 minutes, i find a video to watch or scroll until i leave. or if i have something in 2 hours, i wont try a task that might take too long. now, when i have class in an hour, im like "great i will compose music" or "time to experiment with this makeup powder" until the second i have to go

because im bored! im so bored all the time and theres too much time in a day, but i have many things i can do with my hands and thats the best

the hardest thing to stay away from was video games. towards the end of my fast, i broke it and played spiritfarer for a few days, but i stopped again. and now im logging back in to tumblr send my friends memes.

what's most important is now, when i do these "consumed entertainment" things, my brain asks to go back to creating. I had such a mental high and a giant dopamine return that these consuming-things leave me unsatisfied. which is good! they werent satisfying to begin with, but i was still stuck on them because i didnt know what other options i had.

I will take efforts to restrict my time with consuming entertainment. i will probably let myself look at tumblr like. once per week, maybe even less. I will play video games for 2 hours on non-school days. I dont think i will watch youtube outside of when I am sewing clothes. I tasted freedom and i dont want to lose it again. it was great, and now i am going to make a tune on JummBox

[andrewskennedy50]

Blog Post #1

Emma Rathbone’s article and Max Stossels's lecture brought some very interesting perspectives to the topic of social media. I appreciate Mr. Stossel’s approach to the topic of social media because it focuses on how human psychology, particularly in the developmental period of people’s lives relates to the effects of social media.

In Mr. Stossels’s lecture, his slot machine analogy helped me conceptualize how the effects of getting a “rush” from anything involving dopamine can all be extremely addicting. When I think about how social media affects me daily, I would be foolish to assume that this “rush” does not affect me somehow. Even on an app like Instagram, I find that sometimes when I make a post, I frantically return to it several times over the next few days to see how many likes it gets. Another example is that when I use Twitter and I reply to another user about a specific topic I disagree with, I feel anxious/excited feeling and check for a reply from them every ten or so minutes until it arrives. When social media gives me that “rush,” I find it hard to put my phone away and be present in the real world, even to watch a movie or share a meal with a family member.

Even though it is difficult at first, forcing myself to take a break ends up being really rewarding every time I do it by about the 3-day mark. I do this every year when I sail on a 3-day sailboat race from Port Huron, Michigan to Mackinac Island. On this race, I am on a sailboat with seven other people without internet access. The small space on the boat forces us to interact, whereas taking a “social media break” in your regular life you might do other introverted activities. On these ventures, it becomes much easier to get into the moment of things and I feel more clear-headed, but the sailboat race ends, and social media seems to always creep into my life again in one way or another. Giving up social media entirely would be difficult, and it would likely hinder access to people I have connections to, but I no longer live around.

Limiting social media in a logical and intentional way would likely be the most beneficial change for me. Some examples I would like to implement are removing all social media use before 9:00am every day and removing all social media from 8:00pm until bedtime. The time periods I mentioned are the times when I honestly would like to be relaxed and clear-headed, so that is why I chose them specifically. Mr. Stossel seems to suggest the reason that I might become more clear-headed is that we are constantly attempting to multi-task when we are glued to our phones. Once humans are forced away from their phones, they even score better on tests and retain information in general. As Ms. Rathbone puts it, “before the internet” people were allowed to be completely in the moment, even lost in it. Her article nostalgically paints images of inner peace, moments where we were all ignorantly bliss to the future where we no longer can be completely lost in the place where we are. Reading her article makes me ask questions like “if life was clearly so much better when social media was not in it, why are so many people unwilling to give it up?” and “what kind of harmful psychological effects could this bring to a species who have not had this tool for more than 30 years to adapt their brains to this type of connectivity and communication?”

How would you respond to those questions yourself? I would love to hear would you might have to say, so feel free to reply!

[nandostateofmind]

Goals Are Dangerous!!!

Playing it Close to the Chest….

Goals are a beautiful mess. Goals help you achieve things that you never thought possible. Goals are great for guiding for actions and improving your situation. However, goals can be dangerous as fuck. Or better stated, goals spoken out loud can be dangerous as fuck. Goals spoken give you the same dopamine hit that actually achieving the goals do. With that being said I achieved exactly one of my goals listed in 2022. Only one. Well………… Two I “read” 15/16 books out of the 10 I “goaled” for myself but that’s relative because I didn’t physically read them they were read to me om Audible. So if I allow myself the leeway of having been read to instead then I “finished” 15/16 books in 2022. The Only other goal I hit was I made over 100K. That’s it.

On a list of 13 goals for 2022 I did two. I realized too late that many of my goals were dependent on other people being involved. I’m trying to not make that mistake again in 2023 these goals are for me and me alone. Somethings were achieved because of unforeseen circumstances. Some things weren’t achieved because of a change in goals mid-year. Somethings were subjective dependent on others to get to them. Others however were my failures and mine alone. Those are the ones that bother me most…

I never reached 200 lbs flat. I did end up weighing more than I ever weighed post weight loss surgery though. At one point reaching as high as 242lbs again which depressed me and made me feel like I was going to end up fat and sick again. I was drinking suddenly all the time. It became habitual to drink every weekend at least one day. Often that one day of drinking wasn’t a single drink it was to get tipsy or sometimes even drunk. Ultimately, I lost some weight I’m back to 229.4lbs this morning and I have put back the goal of being 200lbs. My mentality has changed largely in part to reading a book called Mini-habits by Stephen Guise. It stresses creating small habits to change your mentality and achieve goals. With that being said I stopped focusing on reaching 200lbs and I have begun focusing on make better choices in exercise and diet and focusing the next lb instead all the lbs I want to lose. If I lost just one lb a month but keep it off for a year that’s 12lbs that not bad at all and imagine if I keep that trend going for 3 years I would be well below my goal of 200lbs. So that’s all im doing making small manageable changes towards it. No drastic shit that ultimately fails because of overreaching trying to do too much at once.

I didn’t run a 5K because I injured my knee unexpectedly. I don’t expect it to improve without rehab or possibly surgery. I may try this anyway with a brace depending on the health of my knee. I didn’t invest 8k. I realized I was getting about 8-12% returns on my passively managed investments and I was paying out 18-19% on my credit cards so I felt like I was kind of losing 10%. So I reduced how much I was investing to reflect that change of goal. That being said I didn’t pay off the percentage of debt I had hoped to in 2022. I didn’t take 2 vacations, I only went on one, or one that including a flight somewhere mainly because my wife didn’t really have the time or agree on the locations I wanted to travel to. I didn’t learn to edit videos and frankly, I didn’t look at my goals list enough to make this a priority. My wife was busy running her therapy business to run her beauty line business but I made no real effort to help make that better. I didn’t list my eBay stuff out of pure laziness, I definitely had the time. I am obsessed with Brazilian jiujitsu but I understand that the ranking is subjective and that the journey is part of it so I didn’t get two stripes on my blue belt but this one doesn’t hurt. I don’t mind I know that the stripes mean nothing unless you are a black belt. So until the color of the belt changes it isn’t a huge hang up for me. So, I included stripes for my 2023 but that the one that matters the least to me especially I don’t particularly feel ready for my purple belt anyway.

Now here are the two that I failed at miserably. I didn’t blog much at all and absolutely positively purchased shoes and sneakers, many of them. The blogs I am using my same mini habit strategy for that this year. Which is set a super small goal to achieve daily towards it. A goal so small that even on my worst day I could manage it. My goal for blog writing is two sentences a day, which resulted in this blog itself. Now the sneakers and shoes……..I may give you on that one and just accept that like Brazilian jiujitsu I want to be a part of it the rest of my life. ​

Which brings us to 2023. 200lbs is again the gift and the curse the dragon I’m chasing forever and always. 2 stripes on my blue belt the least important but the most fun to chase. Compete in two Brazilian Jiujitsu tournaments regardless of outcome but just to overcome the fear of it. Read or listen to 10 more books, which should be easy considering I only have to listen and absorb the books. Writing 30 blogs may not be realistic but hey only 29 left let’s see what dreams may come. Lowering my debt is happening by default because I did a debt consolidation that is 36 months I believe or 48 months and by simple mathematics by the end of the year as long as I don’t increase my debt 25% will automatically be gone just because of the nature of the consolidation. Going to the gym twice a week, another fairly simple one because I love Brazilian jiujitsu and I love weight training so twice a week feels deeply manageable but I may edit that one to work out twice a week for the sake of not forgetting to work out at home if I need to. Drilling more Brazilian moves is for me to feel I’m making an effort at getting better every day. Finally comes making more love. This began as a joke that I sent to my wife but fuck that this is genuinely a goal. Love making improves my mood and focus. So for 2023, I want to make sure more of these goals are met. I’m going to try my best, best of luck to any of you who may stumble upon this. Success isn’t a finite thing there’s enough for everyone, your success doesn’t directly correlate to my failure so I hope we all win!

[rhaenyratargayen]

style // s.b.

summary — you’re the only one for sirius black and the thought overwhelms him.

word count — 3.3k

warnings — smoking cigarettes, intimacy issues, but lots of fluff.

a/n — another intimacy issues fic? oop. // my second fic for @natasha-romancff ‘s taylor swift writing challenge, my prompt is the song Style.

Y/N’s bare feet padded along the wooden floor of her home as she shuffled towards the kitchen, the small, cozy home lit by a single lamp in the corner of her living room. Her eyes squinted as the light from inside her fridge illuminated the small space as she opened the door. She pulled out a pitcher of water and a glass from the cabinet, downing the cool liquid as it soothed her sore throat.

Her black heels had been discarded by the door, her hair that was once styled to perfection fell lazily along her shoulders. Still, she was clad in a tight, baby pink skirt that clung to her hips, a sliver of her skin showcased between the top of her skirt and the bottom of her black tank top. Last but not least, a leather jacket hung from her shoulders, too large to have been bought for herself, but a gift, a memory, that kept her warm.

Her girlfriends had dropped her off just moments ago before they continued on to their next club of the night, they insisted she come along, claiming, “the night is still young, Y/N/N” but the absence of a dark haired dream at her side the past two weeks plagued her more than she would like to admit it.

She was taken from her thoughts as a low engine hum sounded outside her door, her brows furrowed as she set her glass down on the marble countertop and glanced out the window facing her front yard. Her heart skipped a beat at the sight, a black motorcycle with none other than her handsome, dark haired dream.

He shrugged off his helmet as she watched. Locks of dark hair fell perfectly as he removed the helmet, falling into place, a singular strand dancing closely between his dark eyes. His stark white tee shirt was a sharp contrast to his other strictly black clothing; dark jeans, a leather jacket and a pair of boots.

She rushed quickly to the door, opening before he could even knock softly. His eyes widened as he saw her, where once was a characteristically accurate straight lipped blank expression was now a gentle and charming grin, where his lips turned upward at the sight of the girl he longed to see.

He stepped forward, assuming the open doorway was a direct invitation, one he’d received many times before with how often he stayed at her house. But his brows quickly furrowed as the door moved to close, the gap between the two of them narrowing subtly. He immediately looked to her again, his eyes flitting between her own, searching for any discomfort or pain.

Her body was hidden behind the doorway, the swoop of her loose hair falling behind her shoulder, the black strap of her tank top being the only indication of her outfit. She swallowed when he made eye contact with her, finding it difficult to refuse him when he pleaded so softly to be with her.

The truth was, he hadn’t stopped by in weeks. The last time he saw her he was leaving her bedroom in the early hours of the morning, she chased his lips for a trail of kisses as he reluctantly left for work, promising her he’d return that night; he never did. She spent the next week and a half in a pit of sorrow, his lively personality and euphoric touch being her favorite source of dopamine.

It wasn’t until her girls dragged her from her bed that very day and convinced her to go out that she was able to regain balance on her own two feet. She was a confident woman, a strong character who held her own, and while she was perfectly capable of a life without such an intoxicating lover; she would rather not live without him.

“You were gone for two weeks, Sirius.” She raised a brow, the slow hint of anger in her chest slowly unravelling, overshadowing any sorrow that she held on the frontlines.

He blinked, a taste of bitterness on his tongue, he hadn’t expected her anger. But Sirius Black was not foolish, he hung his head low as he embraced the shame of his actions. Standing in her presence now, there was no excuse acceptable for the time he took from her. He was constantly reminded of how easily she had him wrapped around her finger, and it was that thought in particular that led him to flee in fear of falling deeper in love with her in the first place.

He cleared his throat, “Y/N–”

“I don’t want an apology.” She sighed.

“– You have no idea how much you mean to me.”

She paused. Her poker face was incredibly well put together, a drawn out gaze taking in his demeanor despite the uproar of butterflies swarming in her stomach at his very words. And her heartbeat picked up when she looked into his eyes, dreamy and grey, there was no other match for her.

The moment she opened the door she was in his arms, he’d scooped her up into his hold before she could take a breath, but judging by the way she sank comfortingly into his hold led Sirius to believe she was accepting his affection.

His face tucked in the crook of her neck, pressing light kisses that drew out a soft moan from her lips. He smiled, the familiar sound rang like a perfect symphony in his mind. He continued into her house until her back met the countertop of her kitchen, her back arching as he leaned in closer to her.

“Merlin, I missed you.” He exhaled, his warm breath coating her chilled skin.

She clung to him, the soft, cotton material of his shirt bunching up in her fists as she thought of letting him go again.

“Don’t you ever disappear like that again, do you hear me?” She ordered.

“Never again, love.” He pulled away from her neck and stared down at her in the dim lighting.

He admired her for a moment, his hand raising to cup her face as his thumb drew along her bottom lip. He tucked a strand of hair behind her ear as he leaned down slowly, placing a soft, delicate kiss to the corner of her lips.

“Don’t be a tease.” She whispered.

Sirius smirked, a light, angelic chuckle falling from his lips. He dipped down closer to her, connecting their lips at last. He moved slowly against her, his tongue tracing her lips as his chest warmed at how easily he remembered the shape of her.

She reached up to keep their lips together as she felt him move away, he indulged her, grabbing her face gently in his large hands and pressing a firm kiss to her yearning lips. She only pulled back when he broke into a smile.

“Let’s go for a ride.” He mumbled against her lips.

And she was putty in his hands then, already begging for the feeling of the cool air whipping past her as she clung to him on the back of his bike. She nodded, a giddy agreement that brought a smile to his lips, showing off his pretty teeth. He laughed and grabbed her hand in his, pressing a kiss to her forehead before he led her out to his bike.

He handed her the extra helmet on the back of his bike, the one she wore many times before. Sirius watched silently, his heart soaring at the sight of her so eager to be with him, his skin grew warm at the thought of her arms wrapped around him on the back of his bike.

He tilted his head as he leaned down towards her, he pressed a quick kiss to her lips before he pulled away with a smirk, admiring the grin that rose to her lips. Sirius tugged on his own helmet then revved his engine as he sat down on the bike.

“Hold on tight, love.” He smiled over his shoulder.

Once he felt her delicate hands clasping around his middle, he picked up his boot clad foot from off the ground and drove out of her driveway.

It was night out, the breeze was just cool enough to create a fresh film over her skin without growing chilly. The echo of her laugh had Sirius’ heart pounding, he wasn’t entirely sure it wasn’t a symphony of angels behind him.

He drove her through all her favorite roads, the roads with large turns over the highway that allowed her to toss one hand in the air. They drove through backroads, occasionally stopping at a lonely stop light where he’d reach back and rest his hand on her thigh, gently rubbing his calloused thumb over her smooth skin. The sensation brought goosebumps to her skin and she’d lean forward and press a kiss to the leather of his jacket over his shoulder.

Most of the time their drives never had a destination, it was the cool night and the proximity between the two of them that made riding his bike so enjoyable. But tonight, Sirius pulled off on a backroad they hadn’t taken before. He waved through the turns of the road until he arrived at the vacant lookout just off the road.

“You’ve really outdone yourself, Black.” Y/N teased as the engine turned off, stepping off the back of the bike and taking off her helmet to admire the night sky.

“Had to make it up to you somehow.” Sirius replied, wrapping his arms around her waist from behind and leaning forward to kiss her cheek softly.

He felt her grow tense at his words and he stopped immediately, loosening his hold in case she stepped away. But she didn’t, instead she placed her hands over top of his and interlaced their fingers, running her thumb over the back of his hand.

Sirius felt the weight release from his chest, her physical comfort bringing his mind out of the depths so painlessly. Sirius often thought of her as his anchor, whatever it was that the two of them shared he hadn’t experienced with anyone else.

He leaned down again then, and pressed a much longer, deeper kiss to her cheek, peppering shorter kisses along her jawline to draw out a giggle from her lips.

Y/N led Sirius to the bench that looked over the viewpoint. He released her hand only to jump onto the bench, spreading his legs as his feet sat on the bench while he sat atop it. He held out his hand to Y/N, his eyes remaining on the night sky, and led her to sit between his legs.

Sirius pulled a cigarette from his pocket, the faint smell of tobacco blowing past Y/N’s nose, a tell tale sign Sirius Black was around. He lit the cigarette and held it to his lips, inhaling softly his eyes fluttered closed, his free hand tangling in her hair. As he pulled the cigarette from his lips he rested his chin atop her head and reached his hand around to hold the cigarette between her lips. She took the end between her lips and inhaled slowly, the rush of the smoke filling her lungs and Sirius’ hand caressing her jawline had goosebumps trailing up her skin.

They sat in silence, admiring each other and basking in each other’s presence as they finished the cigarette. Sirius finished it off, moving now to sit properly on the bench, ultimately pushing himself closer to Y/N as she shuffled comfortably in his lap.

“You look good in that jacket.” Sirius mumbled, his voice carrying softly into Y/N’s ear from where his head rested on her shoulder.

“Yeah?” She smiled, leaning her head back to rest against Sirius.

“Yeah,” He nodded, dipping his head down to kiss her jawline softly, “It’s sexy.”

“Oh?” She teased, “I guess it’s a good thing we’ve both got one then, isn’t it?”

Sirius exhaled a humorous breath before settling back comfortably against the back of the bench. He watched Y/N as she watched the sky, his attention easily drawn to the most beautiful sight of the night. Who cared about the sky, he’d seen it plenty of times anyway.

It was quiet for a little longer, and while it was definitely comfortable, there was an empty space waiting to be filled, words waiting to be said that inched closer to the tip of Y/N’s tongue with every passing moment. She debated over whether or not to say something at all, for fear of ruining the moment with her lover, but her mind traveled to the weeks she felt alone and she owed it to herself to know the truth.

“Sirius.” She spoke up.

He hummed in response.

“...Where were you?”

Sirius paused behind her, his body stiffening slightly. The silence from him scared both of them, Sirius, for the lack of response he could conjure, especially to someone like Y/N, who always seemed to read his mind anyway. And to Y/N, for the abyss of possible answers she awaited.

Y/N swallowed, “Were you with… someone else?”

Sirius’ eyes widened, his body shifting from stiff to almost in shock, like all of his muscles flexed at once. He felt a pit in his stomach at the thought of even being with someone else the way he was with her. And although her question stung the very core of his heart, he recognized the consequences of his actions, and his mind ached at the thought of all the fears the girl in his arms had faced in his absence.

He cleared his throat, “I know I don’t exactly have the best reputation when it comes to dating... and you have every right to be wary of me,” He swallowed, “But every moment I was away from you I was alone.”

The weight on Y/N’s chest sank with a thankful breath, and while she no longer felt the fear of her lover being with another, Sirius’ words still hung in the air, unfinished.

“Godric, ‘m a coward, Y/N.” Sirius scoffed under his breath.

Y/N furrowed her brows, shifting in her seat to partially face Sirius. Her hands gently caressed his jawline, lifting his gaze from his lap where he fiddled with the zipper of her jacket to her curious and comforting eyes. He exhaled slowly as he made eye contact with her, the warmth in her presence slowing his heart rate.

“Talk to me.” She exhaled, raising her thumb to swipe over his furrowed brow.

Sirius bit his lip, the words were threatening to spill from his lips, both of them knew he would tell her anything, it was the courage he lacked in getting there that got him into this mess in the first place.

“I was scared.” He admitted.

Y/N tilted her head, moving slowly so as not to frighten Sirius as his walls crumbled brick by brick.

“Of what, Sirius?”

“Bloody hell,” Sirius sighed, almost humorously, “Intimacy? … How ridiculously in love with you I am? The ache in my chest every time I bloody think about you when you’re not around?”

He chuckled lightly, sarcastically, the effect of the intense emotions spilling from his lips going right over his head as he missed the look on his lover’s face; teary eyes and a glowing smile.

“Merlin, it’s like I’m going mad,” He shook his head, “That's why I left, that’s why I was a coward. I was afraid of how quickly I was falling for you, I couldn’t even think straight.”

Y/N felt the wetness of a single tear fall from her eye, coating her cheeks. She swiftly wiped it away as she continued to admire Sirius, her actions and the sniffle from her nose drawing his attention to finally look at her.

“Darling,” Sirius tilted his head, confused by her reaction to his words but moved to comfort her, wrapping his arms tightly around her waist to hold her to him, “I’m so sorry, sweetheart, I promise I won’t ever leave you like that again–”

“Sirius,” She interrupted, her voice soft and gentle, filled with adoration and a pinch of humor. He loosened his hold on her to allow her to look up at him.

“Why are you smiling now?” Sirius furrowed his brows, chuckling lightly as he tucked a piece of hair behind her ear.

“Because I love you, Sirius.” She nodded, “I love you and I always will.”

The thoughts circling Sirius’ mind were too many to count, he had just confessed the fears behind his stupid actions and she was telling him she loved him? He longed to question her, and he would, but the look on her face drew him in like a sailor to a siren.

He cupped her face gently in his hands and brought his lips to hers. He exhaled against her, the initial feeling of her so closely to him had his brain going fuzzy. He was overwhelmed with the feeling of her, the smoothness of her skin beneath his calloused hands and the sweet smell of her shampoo filling his every breath. It was intoxicating.

Sirius guided her hips as she moved to straddle him, her fingers tangled in the longer strands of his hair at the back of his neck. Her nails lightly scratched at the back of his head, tugging softly at his long hair. He moaned softly into her mouth, the feeling had her breath stripped from her lungs. As she moved to deepen their kiss, Sirius suddenly stopped and pulled back.

Y/N looked down curiously at him, lips swollen and eyes hazy, a view Sirius took a moment to admire before he spoke.

“You’re not angry with me?” His voice was so gentle, as if he were afraid of the answer.

She sighed, a light grin on her lips as she kissed his lips softly once more.

“I’m not angry with you,” She shook her head, “I’m glad you told me, even if your timing was a little off. I love you, and the only reason I was so hurt was because I thought you didn’t love me back–”

“Of course I love you.” Sirius interrupted, he smirked as he chased her lips.

She giggled, indulging him with a few gentle pecks to his lips, gasping lightly when he reached up to hold the back of her neck, keeping her in place as he kissed her deeply.

“I know that now, Black.” She teased, speaking softly against his lips.

“And I’m sorry I didn’t say it sooner,” Sirius continued, “But I promise you I will say it every second for the rest of my life if you asked me too.”

“Hmm,” Y/N tilted her head, pretending to mull over the thought, “I quite like the sound of that.”

Without hesitation Sirius kissed her fiercely, only pulling apart to mutter the words he so enthusiastically wished to shout to the entire world, “I love you, I love you, I love you,” he covered her face in sweet kisses, from her cheekbones to her jawline, to her lips.

“Alright, love–” Before she could protest he cut her off with another kiss.

“I love you,” He chuckled.

“You’re ridiculous.” She laughed softly as she caught her breath.

She settled comfortably in his lap as their laughter died down. It was only a few moments before Y/N was yawning, her head falling softly on Sirius’ shoulder as sleep threatened to take over. Sirius smiled fondly, and leaned down to kiss her forehead. He felt the overwhelming intensity of love for her, he felt heat strike in his chest, but he knew now that it wasn’t a feeling to shy away from. Instead he embraced it, allowing himself to indulge in every moment with her.

––––––––––––––––––––––––––––

marauders taglist:

(if your url is crossed out I couldn’t tag you)

@izzyyy-1 @lumos-barnes @omghufflepuff @anywherebuthere @amourtentiaa @its-a-metaphor-barnes @ch0colatefr0gs @nuttytani @nah-she-didnt @accio-luna @freds-slut @breadqueen95 @navib3a @jamespotterswifey @Hufflepuffalice @dancer0614 @magicalxdaydream @nuttytani @mais-e @lilylovegood @pottertherotter @justasmolballofstress @msmb

[gloryofluv]

How do you think the brothers would react to walking into MC’s room after looking for them to find them lying on bed, headphones in with a full face mask on? I’m talking cucumber slices on the eyes the whole deal. (Obviously Beel is gonna eat the cucumber but hey 😅)

Ah, thanks anon for a fun one! Self care is soooo important! Makes me want to go do a face mask now. Especially if my favorite boys are going to be there.

The Brothers Walking in on MC Enjoying a Face Mask and Self Care

Lucifer-

Busy demon boy. He knocks but is a bit concerned when he doesn’t hear an answer. Actually, a bit perturbed, if we’re honest! (Solely believes you should definitely answer him at whatever time he spends the time to do a welfare check)

Stops at the door when he sees MC lounging on their bed. Amused. Amusement turns to warm fuzzies. There they are, the affliction of his wounded heart, relaxing and listening to music, completely oblivious to watchful eyes.

The face mask even adds a pleasant smell to the room. Well, well, aren’t they a gorgeous, flawed mess? Won’t admit to wanting to encourage this in his personal space. Most certainly won’t confess to wanting to slurp up the peaceful energy of said self-care either.

Instead, he slips into the kitchen, being positive to not being seen. He prepares a relaxing herbal tea that always refreshes him on the off chance of a moment of peace. Once that is brewed to perfection, he will, with deadly silence, sneak into MC’s room and set the cup down.

They manage to peel the cucumbers off just before watching his silent escape. The warm tea is steaming next to them on the night table.

Cute. Stalkery, but cute.

"I enjoy thoroughly that you don't need to be instructed to take care of yourself."

Mammon-

Never knocks. Don’t expect it now. Even after he heard Asmo gave MC an excellent something or other to have some personal time. MC’s time is his time.

He barges into the room with his usual bravado, to note that MC hadn’t even commented. He glances over to see this goopy mess with cucumbers and a towel around their hair. Ugh. Asmo has them into that stupid self-care crap he’s been shoving!

Pouty boy. Wants attention and their attention to be real. He slumps on the bed and removes a cucumber from MC’s eyes. Starts talking regardless of if MC can hear. Then blames MC for not paying attention when they take off their headphones.

Starts a nonsense conversation. Doesn’t care about the topic, but he will continue it as long as MC gives him attention. Will be a blushing mess if MC asks if he wants them to do a mask for him.

Mammon snorts and deflects about that being Asmo’s thing. However, if MC offers to do the whole pampering effect that comes with the face mask… well, he might, ya know, be alright, maybe? Blushy blushy mess.

MC kisses his cheek, and he’s done for, even if he jumps up and spits out about it being gross and crackly from the mask. Has to leave. Cuteness overload. Poor baby boi doesn’t know how to handle soft feelings so well.

“Yeah, well, I gotta go. Maybe when you clean that crap off, you can come to my room. We’ll do something, ya know, together?”

Levi-

Knocks twice. Pissed MC didn’t answer. Glances in and blinks. Oh, they looked so peaceful. Is that the Rui-chan plushie he gave them? Oh, MC is tugging at his heart like an anime trope!

Slides inside and debates on bothering them. Just wants to admire MC a moment while he’s blushing and his brain is sputtering. MC had the plushie against their chest while relaxing on the bed.

Fiddles with his fingers and knows he should leave but likes this. A lot. Wants no one else to bother them. This moment is his. Cute. MC is a cute, adorable anime story waiting to be told. The only thing missing…

MC shifts and peels off a cucumber to reach for the boba tea he bought them earlier. Cue, nervous, mortified otaku!

However, MC doesn’t get upset and waves before taking off their headphones. They say they were just enjoying the TSL soundtrack. Even more blushing??! He can’t handle it and covers his face.

Sputtering about some streaming he needed to do, he tells them not to forget to meet him after dinner for their friendship dailies! Runs, not walks, out of the room.

Clutches his heart the whole way up the stairs and even hides his face from Mammon as he passes him on the stairs. It was just like that anime. I fell in love with a witch, and she didn’t even realize it because I can’t speak. The scene was remarkably similar.

“Ah, yeah, well, I just wanted t-to be sure you’re still coming t-tonight. You are right? I mean, I don’t want to bother you with it, y-yeah?”

Satan-

Knocks three times. Patiently waits. Until he’s not patient. Not happy to be ignored without even a response as to why MC isn’t answering.

Opens the door to see MC on their bed in a face mask. Aww, that’s cute. He likes cute things, and MC is equated to a cat sunbathing in a window. Walks over and touches MC’s shoulder.

MC jerks, but as the cucumber is removed, they smile and pat the bed. He is so pleased. Sitting down toward the center of the mattress, he assists MC to relax against his lap. Without removing their headphones, they comply.

He then opens his book and begins to read while removing the towel around MC’s hair. Ah, yes, this was peaceful and relaxing in so many ways. He was able to stroke MC’s hair and read with them while they indulged in self-care.

Perfection. He even offers to help them clean their face. Sweet little nerd. Knows why self-care is so important and relishes that MC doesn't mind his presence while doing so.

“I know you can’t hear me, but I thoroughly enjoy it when you take care of yourself. It makes me want to take care of you more.”

Asmo-

Barges in. Knows exactly what they're doing when he sees MC. Actually, knows it’s a great idea and skips up to his bathroom for his face mask! Has it prepped and ready to go with his own set of cucumbers.

Races into the room and tucks onto the bed next to MC. They remove the cucumbers and smile with a nod before taking off their headphones. He is so happy! Place the cucumbers on his own eyes.

Talk. Real talk, honey. Will go on about his Devilgram, what he saw at RAD, and even his brothers. All of it is light and airy. No bitching in a pamper session. This is all about that dopamine and good feels.

Insists that they continue with this pamper session with massages and manicures. Won’t mind at all if MC says they want to start doing this weekly. He is there, baby!

It becomes routine, and no one is going to disturb them! Encourages MC to try different masks and will be the guru of making them look as great as they make him feel! Expect cuddles and lots of kisses after the mask comes off!

“Oh! I’m so happy you want to do this! If we can do a whole session instead of just the mask, I will make you feel almost as great as I look!”

Beel-

Hungry boi. Wants to invite MC out for a snack, but no answer to his knocking? Are they alright? He saw them go into their room earlier.

He walks in to see MC on the bed, headphones on, and a mud mask? That’s what Asmo calls them, right? It smells waaaay too good to be mud. Walks over and eyes MC with confused interest.

Had no idea they liked putting food on their face. Food. Sits down on the bed and grabs one of the cucumbers. Tastes just like the sweetness of MC and food. Loves it.

MC smiles and hands him the other before taking off their headphones. Happy boi asks what they’re doing. They answer with a simple answer of self-care. The long day at RAD made them feel tired.

Asks if the mask is edible, to which MC replies and laughing negative. Oh, that makes no sense. It smells good. They offer to do a mask for him but doubt he’d be able to not eat it.

He laughs and nods before asking if they were almost done. He now has a craving for ice cream and maybe a half-dozen of burgers. MC sits up and kisses his cheek before nodding.

He is glowing with happiness and kisses their masked cheek. Unfortunately, he couldn’t help it and licks their face. Definitely doesn’t taste as great as it smells. MC laughs and pats his shoulder, saying they’ll be out in a few minutes so they can get a snack.

“You always taste good, but that mud doesn’t. You still look cute.”

Belphie-

Not a knocker. Doesn’t care to knock. MC is his human, and love knows no bounds. That includes doors.

Walks in to see MC on the bed with headphones and a mask. Cute. Adorable. Cuddly. Now his whole plan of going to the attic is out the window.

Slumps on the bed and buries his face in MC’s chest. Looks up to see they peel a cucumber off to see it’s him and smiles. Thump. Thump. His heart is growing by the second.

MC sighs and starts running their fingers through his hair after placing the cucumber back on their eye. Happy, sleepy boi. Cuddles closer and nuzzles with the equivalent of a sadistic sleepy cat.

MC has to beg him to let them go so they can remove it. He pouts and waits for them to return, only to entrap them in his arms and claim they smell too good to let go, and they feel so peaceful. Time for a nap.

“I love that you smell so wonderful and refreshing. Next time tell me when you’re going to do this so I can enjoy the whole thing.”

[winderlylandchime]

Don’t Call It a Comeback (or, On Health and Happiness)

I’m sitting at my desk in my home office surrounded by my two dogs and one of my two cats. It’s a rare rainy day in Los Angeles and, while it might seem contraindicated, the change in weather from warm and sunny is great for my mood. I have strong coffee and a bubbly water within arm’s reach. I’m wearing a t-shirt and blazer, jeans, house shoes, and my hair is brushed and my make-up in on. This is relevant. I have my first appointment of the day in a half hour. I’m back on tumblr, albeit with a new name.

I last posted to tumblr more than a year ago... actually just under exactly 18 months ago. I had to leave. I didn’t want to delete my tumblr because I had put time and effort into curating this stupid little blog. I made friends here. Many of us have drifted. That’s on me. 

Depression steals so much. The fandom I was a part of imploded and I became obsessive around it. Obsession is something I have come to learn is a bright red flag my depression waves. Obsession is also not the right word, compulsive captures some of it but I’m also wary of these words and the very specific medical meanings they carry. I do not have OCD, I have depression. A constant gray companion that sunk me into a cloud of nothing, a hazy dream world of monotony and an endless seeking for that next dopamine hit from the next social media post that fills that exact craving I’m compulsively looking for. I spent my days sleeping until just before my first appointment of the day, I would throw on a reasonably professional top, pull my hair up, and face the screen. I would resume scrolling in the in-between times... life became small. Tumblr got changed over to Instagram for my endless scrolling. I gained weight (this is not a moral judgment on weight gain or loss but the fact is that I gained weight, I stopped fitting into my clothes, we live in a society colored deeply by fatphobia and diet culture, it was hard). I lost myself. I did the bare minimum of work. None of it felt good. I woke up every day asking myself, “in what ways will I disappoint myself today?” 

It felt ridiculous that someone in her 40s and who is a mental health profession could struggle so much. And yet, here we were. 

Recovery started where so many things start, with the people. No one knew how deeply depressed I was. Not even my sweet spouse. But the people helped nonetheless. My spouse listened as I confided how much I had been struggling. My friends just persisted. I got closer to people I had been less acquainted with. I threw myself into a course related to both my profession and to my personal work to heal. I met people through there. 

I started taking walks. At first I walked to my favorite tea shop and got milk tea and chocolate croissants every day. Then I started doing a loop around my neighborhood. The loop became two miles. I returned to practicing yoga weekly at my beloved gym. Occasionally, I lifted a weight or two. Very occasionally. 

I became infuriated when walking worked. Like so very angry. The stupid thing about getting outside and seeing the sun and moving my body actually worked.

I have tried to spend less time on social media and see it as a dark mistress that tempts me away from my first, true love: reading.  

There have been hiccups, of course. I got covid and had some significant symptoms. My apartment flooded... twice. I am still dealing with those repairs. My mother is in her 80s and the pandemic has not been kind to her.... a stroke, hearing loss (which is correlated with cognitive decline). I’m an only child and I live across the US from her and my dad. It is not easy to witness from afar. Anything that throws off my routine has the potential to start a slip back into depression. I’m still working on getting back to my routine of walking, meditating, and doing some spiritual practice/journaling after a bad cold. My body is still larger than it was. 

There has been help from acupuncture and microdosing. 

I remain a work in progress. Because I am alive. But I am doing better. Now. For now. I wanted to return to tumblr because it has brought me joy. I hope to engage here in a different way than before. I’m not active in any fandoms currently and how to be a little more distant. I hope to return to the joy of fandom but I don’t choose them, they choose me. 

So I’m back. But, you know, don’t call it a comeback.