#how little writing my grad studies had compared to hers and how it still made me nervous

[pallas-cat]

next therapist appointment im dedicating time to my horribly, horribly frayed relationship w writing and reading before school starts again lmao

[emptymanuscript]

I feel like this one has so much room to play around in.

Like, are we talking, I go back knowing everything I know and it's just, do you wanna do it again? Or are we talking I rewind time and only remember enough of the future to know that in some alternate timeline I had my current opinions about my education? Or... some other variable, like if you went and did this degree instead I know my life would be different in these particular ways? And how often can one redo and compare? And how big can the change fallout be, etc? Oh! and how far back are we talking? Like are we just going back to first day of class registrations or are we going younger to prep for a different major and things like that?

I know a lot of the stuff that I am most pleased with in my life are emergent effects from decisions that include my BA. So I would be EXTREMELY hesitant to seriously change it. I even met @coatntails specifically because of mutual school connections. We were both friends with findingsherlock and minion who were in my major with me. I'm even fairly certain we would never have gotten together if findingsherlock hadn't made it her freaking mission to get us together, which we finally did ON THEIR WEDDING DAY. @coatntails was one of the bridesmaids and I was the officiant. And findingsherlock and minion gave up their fourth wedding anniversary to return the favor and officiate for us. Come to think of it... pretty much all the people from college that I still talk to regularly, I met through my major. So... you know... I don't really want to give that up.

But I could certainly enjoy tweaking it. Like, I would absolutely send a very emphatic message back in time to my college age self looking sadly at statistics requirements and demanding that I buy myself a copy of excel and take the damn "Statistical Methods in Psychological & Brain Sciences" course because I really do regret how close I came to getting a minor in Psychology and giving up. If I went back with everything I know, I would abuse the hell out of my priveleges and aim hard for a dual major in Psychology instead of just a BA in Creative Studies with a literature emphasis. Get the damn double major.

I would also damn well send myself a message to NEVER take a break from the SBWC, that is a HUGE regret for me. It nourishes my soul. And, you know, it might offer some huge advantages.

Where I would seriously consider changing is actually my Masters. My Masters Degree was good. But I'm not sure I couldn't have done better with less pain by taking another path. And the easiest way to do that would be a very stern message to my past self to really go all out on language learning.

If I could go far enough back and really communicate or hold onto knowledge, I think I'd try to convince my former self to not just stick with but actually try significantly harder with Hebrew, Spanish, and Russian. Actually can I go back and talk to my parents? (Very Dangerous Idea) but like just to say, hey, start Hebrew REALLY early, like immediately, I'm gonna have a really hard time with it so I'm gonna need a lot more help a lot earlier if you want any possibility of me being able to work with any of it. Also, talk to your kid about Talmud and Kabbalah instead of... whatever we called Sunday School (Thursday school? Temple school? Can't remember). Religion and what passes for history isn't gonna work. Go with ethics and mysticism, those things your child actually cares about. Then I wouldn't have the impulse to choose the grad school I did because a decent chunk of my choice was based around finding a school that both offered a PhD (which I now know I do not actually want in writing or literature, at least not enough to do that much work for that little return) but also didn't require me to know two foreign languages (which I do not).

But you know, if you're going that far back and can communicate or even just remember everything, like can you just try and track down your people vastly early. Most of the people who are my primary attachements in my current life not only lived in my country but in my home state. Three not only lived in my state but in my county! Minion, even though I never met him until college, actually lived closer to me in time and mileage than I went to school in 4th, 5th, and 6th.

Of course then there's the convincing of people... hi, is ____ at home. Heuy, ____! Look, I know you've never met me but I have traveled back in time from a future where you are important to me and I miss you and don't want to wait until we actually enter each other's lives naturally. Might be a bit awkward.

...though I do wonder if I could save some friends pain. Like, could I interfere somehow with people who I know will be hurt if I kind of know where-ish, when-ish, and how-ish they were hurt? Would they then end up the same people? Hmmmm....

This is how we end up with alternate lives stories... huh.

If I can keep the people and what I know, though... then I wouldn't have to keep the places. Then, yeah, I'd probably change my major so I could have more knowledge because I LOVE being an insufferable know it all. Of course then I'd have to decide if I wanted psychology, education, or linguistics. Maybe religious studies but I'm always fascinated by religious studies UNTIL I'm actually taking classes and then I'm bored out of my mind, so probably not. There's also media studies :/ that would be useful.

Hmmph... I'd probably need to go back early enough to give some thought to what I'd actually want to study XD.

I think I'd still want the same ideal job that I ideally want now (and am not going to get). So... probably education, I guess. Yeah, there's a change I think I'd rather... just going so much harder after the job I wanted when there was time, energy, and momentum on my side.

Bleh... that sounds depressing.

Hmmmph.

[nevermindirah]

Dorothy Freeman facts

By facts I of course mean headcanons, because Nile's mom doesn't get a first name in canon (or even confirmation that her last name is Freeman). All we know about her is the picture on Nile's phone lock screen (which is Kiki Layne's real-life mom and brother!) and a few lines that Nile tells Andy about her. I’ve been collecting my Dorothy headcanons for a while now to eventually make a post, and @mprosperossprite​‘s excellent post giving non-Americans context for what it means that Nile is from the South Side of Chicago prompted me to go ahead and share this. Disclaimer that I’m white and I will absolutely make corrections if it’s pointed out that I’ve caused harm with any of this.

So here have some fun facts about the version of Mama Freeman who lives in my head rent-free:

Her family and growing up:

she was born in the mid-'60s and named after Dorothy Dandridge

I can’t decide whether she was born in Chicago or moved there later on (maybe with Nile’s dad?) and when in the waves of the Great Migration her family left the South

she came of age in the "post"-Civil Rights movement and went to college in the mid-80s when a lot of what are now the foundational classics of Black feminism were being written

she was a young adult when Anita Hill risked so much to report that a Supreme Court nominee had sexually harassed her, and as a result she HATES Joe Biden

Marriage and babies:

she met Nile's father — I can’t decide how they met and I have two competing headcanons for his name, either Gideon for the hefty Biblical masculinity vibes (Giddy for short among family, that man loved to laugh) or Carl, which started out as a shitty Carl’s Jr burger chain joke that turns out to be perfect (it means free man!), and @knoepfchen​ used it in the sequel to if you do take a thief where Carl is alive!! — and Dorothy was a little skeptical of his near-religious devotion to the military but he was really hot and really devoted to her and they made it work

she's a little pissed that she was right but it's unbearable if she thinks about it too often

it's going to be a long, long time before she can look back on pictures of Baby Nile stomping around the house in her dad's combat boots (this is a Gina Prince Bythewood headcanon, whyyyyyyyy can I not find a link to where she said this)

she named their second baby Indus, Indy for short (this is nearly as established fanon in Book of Nile circles as how much Booker loves eating pussy, and Indy Freeman as a young adult is portrayed by either Aldis Hodge or John Boyega I don’t make the rules)

Work:

Dorothy did some office jobs but nothing really grabbed her, and she was probably gonna have to move for her husband's career, so she decided on teaching — high school humanities

she’s been active in CTU (one of the strongest teacher’s unions in the US) her whole career and one year she was on the bargaining committee and her babies know damn well never to trust a boss, not even one who says all the right things — if she ever finds out the way Nile said "like Quynh?" when Andy promised to protect her, she will lose her mind with pride

(Nile was 18 and freshly graduated from high school in 2012 when CTU went on strike for the first time in a generation and she brought her mom snacks on the picket line)

one of her very favorite things is getting her students to laugh despite themselves at her "oh my GOD you're so EMBARRASSING" old-people jokes

she's one of those teachers who can get 30+ teenagers to go dead silent with judicious application of body language

she's known to occasionally go easy on grading subjective things like essays when she knows students are having a particularly rough time at home, but the second she gets the feeling they're taking advantage and not trying their best that shit is over and they better mind their Ps & Qs

she's the kind of person who says old-people shit like that

she gives her students assignments like "help 5 neighbors register to vote" and "write a compare/contrast table about the candidates in this local election" and "research 5 different ways you could get grant money to do X" and other practical civic-minded shit

standardized testing is her supervillain origin story, just kidding it’s Rahm Emanuel, why the fuck did Obama trust that asshole

After her husband died:

she would have lost her goddamn mind if it weren't for her church friends after her husband died, people from the church raised money so they could make ends meet while his pension paperwork was taking forever, church friends watched Indy so Nile could go out for the soccer team, etc etc

she sold her and her late husband's house and moved to a 3-bedroom co-op unit when Nile started high school, it's more affordable and it meant she didn't have to worry about household repairs in the same way, she can use a wrench if she needs to but she doesn't have time and it just makes her grief flare up (co-op housing has a long history in Chicago and other US cities (like Washington DC where I live) as a way for Black people to access decent, affordable housing in the face of entrenched discrimination)

the move meant putting a longer commute between her and church, but she didn't even bother looking for a church closer to their new home, she loaded the kids into the car on the weekends, parking is hell in their new neighborhood but it's worth giving up a hard-won parking spot to not have to wait so long for the L on Sunday mornings

Indy lived with her through college and he was gearing up to get his own place when Nile died, Dorothy was planning to move into a one-bedroom in the co-op building because she doesn't need so much space anymore, Indy took a day off from his new job (not so new anymore, her baby's so grown!) to help her sort things to donate when those dress-uniform Marines came to their door

part of her wishes she could've been home more and not had to rely on Nile so much for help with Indy, but he's turned out such a kind young man, and he's a much better cook than his sister is (was, oh God — no wait, is! she’s alive! what do you mean you’ve been alive all this time??)

some of the girls from church are encouraging her to check out this social dancing thing, nobody's pressuring her to date but there's definitely been some ribbing, and with Indy out of the house... maybe? probably not, but maybe

Her feelings and beliefs and likes and dislikes:

she's an absolute badass and also she's a soft human woman with lots of feelings

she's very, very traditional in some ways, and part of her mixed feelings about Nile following in her dad's footsteps is gender stuff, she's proud of her daughter and would never stand in the way of what Nile wants to do with her life, and if Nile came home and told her she's a lesbian she would never reject her, but if Nile came home and told her she's bisexual maybe she can just try focusing on men? “I love you sweetheart and I want you to be happy I just know how hard it is already for us in this world” type shit

she has been on team natural hair basically her entire life and one of the worst fights she and Nile ever had was over Nile wanting to straighten her hair as a pre-teen

Indy takes more after her and Nile takes more after their dad, she's so proud of both of them, but Dorothy's activism was mostly wearing her natural hair to work and daring bosses to give her shit, Indy's out there marching in the streets like her parents had and she WORRIES

she teases Indy for going to so many protests like he's using it as an excuse to meet girls, but she WORRIES

when she turns 60, she gets box braids with streaks of dark purple, subtle enough that it's still work-appropriate but it makes her smile, she may be old now but damnit she’s still pretty!

she loves Grey's Anatomy and Star Trek and she watched Bridgerton all in one day

she has a dirty-old-lady celebrity crush on Chris Hemsworth

if she's ever masturbated thinking about Donna Summer, well, that's nobody's business but her own (do non-Americans know about the queen of disco??)

If you want to read fic featuring Dorothy:

I won't have to leave alone, 1000 words, Nile has a nightmare and decides to go tell her family she's immortal

I See Your Eyes Seek a Distant Shore, 65k, Nile adjusts to immortality and does a lot of soul searching about what it means to "do what we think is right", Booker goes to grad school for trauma studies, the working title of this fic was Booker Reads Edward Said and Gloria Anzaldúa and Goes Down on Nile and the final product has an annotated bibliography in the author's notes if you’re into that kind of thing, a lot of my Dorothy Freeman headcanons were born of my process writing this

Gather round the table, we'll give you a treat, 2279 words, college AU, Nile brings her Jewish boyfriend home for Christmas

a contribution I made to Shitty Old Guard Deaths: (Booker, USA, 2025, cause of death: a mother’s righteous wrath)

[alotsgonnachange]

Mystic Messenger Saeran’s AE Thoughts (.......And Prayers..) #Spoilerz

Hello, I just finished Saeran’s after ending and I have a lot of things to say and I am going to write it down while I'm still all keyed up about it.

First of all… Please DO NOT ask me how much money I spent to finish this as fast as I did…. I’m grown but my bank account is certainly going to have a good ole fashioned CHUCKLE at this….. It’s been a long quarantine I deserve a lil happiness as a treat methinks!

I have been playing this absolutely insane game since I think 2016? When I first started playing the deep routes had JUST come out I think? And I was just finishing up high school and am now a college grad...lmao

I’ve played all routes at least once except Jaehee but i’ve seen walkthroughs of her route (I’ve heard it makes you hate Jumin and he’s my favorite so um. hehe). V’s and Saeran’s routes I found to be so emotionally intense and just….a lot and I've been waiting a long ass god damn time for this after ending okay…. I would theorize and make up an ending in my head but i’m no writer so it was hard to figure out lol. I’m a Jumin stan mostly but I love everybody and yeah I should probably play that jumin dlc too but I need like a DAY to recover from Saeran’s AE. Enough about me HERE are my thoughts on it overall

Major Saeran AE Spoilers under da cut!

Can we please discuss V showing up to the C+R conference room with basically chloroform and made everybody Pass Out like??? I was alone in my room at like midnight just SCREAMING at my phone???? And the creepy ass CG ???? It’s like that gif of sarah paulson from ahs being like “I put arsenic in the wine….and the pasta”

Anyway I screamed at V a lot during this process!!

Loved RFA being sweet and kind to saeran (before V fucking drugged them…)

This is such common V behavior “I have to do it all myself...there’s no other way..” GIRL SHUT UPPP You do this every route....

SO many CG’s and I enjoy them a lot

Saeran’s sprite looks a little TOO crisp compared to everyone else but maybe its a glitch??? V next to him is in 480p while saeran is like 1080p

Hearing both Saeran and Saeyoung missing the other brother the whole time??? PAIN. All my homies know is PAIN

BOSS and his V for Vendetta ass guy fawkes mask??? I literally yelled “this game is TERRIBLE!!” several times at my phone

Their dad is so>??????? When he was sitting on the couch with saeyoung in that one CG while simultaneously telling him to kill himself?????????? Maybe chairman han is actually the best dad in this game somehow

When V and Rika were like we’re back together teehee teehee okay pack it up bonnie and clyde ..

When chairman han calls u and says hes jealous of u and saeran…..HUH????? I’m calling HR

When they go to the apartment and see boss and vanderwood and poor saeyoung is sitting there seeing his brother for the first time in years i wanted to D word sooooo bad like PAIN...PAIN….

Can we HAVE A DISCUSSION ABOUT JUMIN HAN BEING THE BEST CHARACTER IN THE GAME AND HE LOST EVERYTHING IN THIS AE……. he just took the blame and moved on jumin what the hell….. I love him so much r we serious? He watched his 2 closest friends betray him in the worst way and found out abt how Rika abused Saeyoung and Saeran???? I felt just AWFUL. Terrible ...Terrible….

Rika’s change in demeanor from Saeran's actual route is certainly a Choice. I find her much more bearable this time around and unfortunately i think I was too nice to her and ended up with a bad end LMFAO

I was happy to see Saeran stand up for himself and become stronger and confident. You go king!

The CG of Yoosung laying in Zen’s lap is everything to me…

HOWEVER YUP I sure did get a bad ending and I was so mad fdsafdskfdhsf ! (I would be happy to clarify how I got the good one the second time.) MAKE SURE To SAVE EARLY in days 2 and 3 bc the branches on day 4 is where the bad end will show up. For me it was the first day 4 chat and then a story mode titled “SAVIOR”.... If you see that RUN FOR THE HILLS!!

I was so mad! But I had saved in day 2 and replayed and MANAGED to get good end

I’m obsessed with everyone calling V and Rika “that psychotic couple” like…..its true its true…

No those two are so toxic… V’s route was torture watching them go on and on about the sun like yo can yall just call each other babe like normal people.

I respect straight people but not V and RIka that shit was just wrong… Straight marriage was a mistake

Oh lord i also FULLY Forgot Rika killed the twins’ mother…. Yeah that scene was um Certainly a lot but it needed to happen eventually

Like it’s good they know but damn that storyline is just so bleak

I think it was satisfying TO A DEGREE….To see Rika understand where she was wrong, why she was wrong, fess up and even APOLOGIZE! I was very surprised.

Saeran and Saeyoung are Certainly twins with the amount that those two self sacrifice in every route MY GOD…..

The scene with Jumin talking to his father and the other scene of him praying oh my god I cannot tell you how happy I was to see him begin to understand and address his own feelings in a route that was not his own. My main problem with Jumin’s route has always been the trapping MC in his penthouse aspect.. This way Jumin understands love and emotions without being overly possessive !!! YAY also loved seeing him be on good terms with his dad who was surprisingly profound

That last Story mode was Really a Lot…. and Strange things occurred which I will get into in just a minute

Jumin becoming a politician is so funny but ngl … i see it.

Yoosung going to france to study pastries ok king I see u! (it made more sense to me than the vet thing anyway)

Lastly Zen FURRY ERA

MY BEEF With the AE

I was happy with how they handled it for the most part. I think Cheritz heard our feedback about V’s after ending and was like okay….let’s try something different

HOWEVER

Saeran…. Sweet kind saeran… IS SO AFFECTIONATE HAHA….

He must have said I love you like 300 times…..very mushy gushy flowery language...and maybe that’s just his personality but for me it was like eating cake with buttercream cake. It means well, but god damn is it sugary and going to cause a stomach ache later.

He was just… SO MUCH! SO forward and ON all the time in his affections. I honestly felt kind of smothered and by day 3 and 4 I was sooooo over all the compliments… King you’ve come a very long way, but ur still putting MC on a pedestal and probably need to see a therapist.

Nextly….Rika and V….. Naw that knock out gas really ...that hurt lol. Coming from “I would do anything to protect RFA” V? Idk like…. EYE felt betrayed reading that. It was just hurtful. I can’t even imagine how the members would have felt as they were passing out. It was just so cruel. I suppose I understand why but like?? Just TERRIBLE

Them being in cahoots with the agency and the prime minister..HUH??? Also too much

V just felt so irresponsible like I do understand that he ended up in a weird web of secrets that’s hard to untangle but he’s so fucking stubborn he’s SO stubborn it makes me insane. Like sir… It seems like in other routes he wanted to try to protect Rika and the RFA.. But in this AE it seems more to me that he was like yeah i’m protecting Rika and That’s It… so fucking hurtful to me. Both of y’all apologize ESPECIALLY to the twins and Jumin..

The forgiveness thing…… Okay so I think some people will not like that Saeran decided to “forgive” the people who hurt him (Rika, V, Saejoong, his mother). I would point out that I actually think this was approached somewhat well. He says at one point that he doesn’t think they’re good or bad, just people. I think he sounded mature and like this was the way for him personally to accomplish his healing process. Would I have loved for Saeran to flip V and Rika off and kick Saejoong off a cliff? Yea I really would. But like…. If that’s what HE needs to do to heal then who am I to judge?

HOWEVER…. Everything Eye just said goes out the window when the scenes at the end with Saejoong come up… I was PERPLEXED. Like why did he HUG his deranged father who just kicked the shit out of him??? Also all the chat options that MC has with him r like blah blah you’re like this because no one loves you were so corny to me LMFAOOOO?

AND WHEN HE WAS IN THE ROOM LATER WITH SAERAN… i’m sorry but if that were me I would have called a nurse to deck his ass. Cool he turned himself in YOU SUCK SOOOO BAD AND I NEVER WANT YOU TO COME NEAR SAEYOUNG AND SAERAN AGAIN THANKS.

*scratches ass* I wish I got to see saeyoung and saeran finally sit down and have that first conversation after a long time and hug CG but the ending was fine I GUESS….. I dont care about ROMANCE I want those boys to be happy brothers together

Anyway that was really emotionally exhausting but I fr think I got it out of my system after literal years… And I can rest in peace knowing the choi twins are happy. THATS ALL I WANTED TO KNOW!!!!

[luthienne]

Hello, I love your blog <3I didn't know you were a singer. Who are your favorite opera singers (any gender)? Also, what do you think of contemporary opera singing? I think much of the singers that are considered stars nowadays are really poor in voice quality production, and the industry now prefers more mellow voices instead of stronger, more developed ones. I'm not versed in music at all (I just love listening to opera), so I'd be genuinely curious to hear from someone so experienced!

and even if I try listening to/watching productions/recordings now wanting to like them, I don't feel they sing with the same force and artistry as they did before. So I always end up listening to older recordings. Thank you for your blog <3

hi <3 so i actually think there are so many amazing singers out there today and the idolization of old stars like callas or scotto or freni can do a disservice to the stunning talent that we have (or could have) onstage today. i see a lot of these comments on youtube videos and as a contemporary opera singer, it can feel a little disheartening. yes, singers today don’t sound like callas or sills, but neither did sutherland or bartoli or price (or callas, herself! she experienced so much emotional trauma in trying to meet the expectations of opera-goers who had idolized her voice at a specific period of time in her life). not to mention how much more we expect of contemporary opera singers—and not just bc we’re comparing them to the recordings of opera legends. singers today are expected to have studied all of the old recordings bc we have such easy access, we’re expected to create our own brands, to market ourselves, to be models and sound studios, to have studied stage combat and movement and to be able to complete athletic feats onstage while singing (i performed in a don giovanni where i was expected run up and down the stairs, then crawl across the stage on my hands and knees all while singing batti batti).

i think there are tons of issues with contemporary opera: the focus on the body over the voice, the structural/power imbalances that give singers very little power, the institutional barriers that keep less economically privileged and non-white singers from ever making it to the big stages or from pursuing the education at all, the ageism that goes hand in hand with the exclusivity of the field (the idea that there is one single track for opera singers: undergrad to grad school to pay-to-sings, to summers working for poverty wages in YAPs, w cut-off ages of 25 / 28 / 30 as though we can all get our lives together in that time period, as though we don’t need to be working one or multiple day jobs just to pay off our student loans and pay rent in cities with high COL bc the opportunities are there), etc. i just don’t think that the way singers sound today vs the way they sounded 50 years ago is one of the issues.

when you say mellow over stronger i’m not quite sure how to understand that. i’ve personally always had a “lighter” voice with a warmer/darker tone while a girl i went to grad school with had a very “strong” voice but with a very bright squillo in her tone. art is so subjective. who’s to say which of us had the “better” voice? (neither of us!! bc we’re not in competition!! our voices were simply different and suited to different music bc we’re human beings with completely different bodies and vocal cords and it’s unreasonable to expect us to achieve the same sounds!!). yes, there are different schools of singing and we can achieve a similar bel canto sound. it’s still unrealistic to expect either of us to sound like a completely different opera singer.

anyway, as far as contemporary singers i would recommend!! let’s go: lisette oropesa is one of the most talented singers ever to grace an opera stage, and she’s only 37!! her technique is !!!!! flawless. it’s a perfect bel canto technique. (i’ve attended her masterclasses and she is an equally amazing educator! she knows her stuff.) erin morley, ailyn pérez, lawrence brownlee, jessica pratt, julia bullock, morris robinson, janai brugger, pretty yende, renee fleming, joyce didonato, angel blue, susan graham, jamie barton are currently performing singers who have all my respect! 💗

i really appreciated your question and your thoughts!! and i hope you understand that my own feelings toward contemporary opera come from a place of deep feeling for the art form and the deep desire for opera to be made more accessible in general. but it is an art form, and thus completely subjective, and if you prefer singers from older recordings that’s totally ok. the older stars were stars for a reason! and i have learned so much from listening to them and watching them sing. my old italian voice teacher (who had flawless technique) studied with freni, and had me study the pedagogical writings of rosa ponselle. there’s a reason they had such long careers, and it’s bc their technique was rooted in healthy singing. unfortunately our current system prioritizes profit over longevity of career, so often big name singers will be asked to take on roles their voices are not suited for or ready for. (another problem that i think lies with the industry rather than the singers.)

[dawnrider]

yeeeeeeeessssss . fluff 12: “Am I your lockscreen?” “You weren’t supposed to see that.”

Soooooo.... A million and a half years later, I’m finally getting to this prompt that @superpixie42 has now officially forgotten she sent me. 🎉

This hails from the Stocking Stuffers Universe which also included Dinner and Dancing.  A nice fluffy “how they met” type story.  It also happens to coincide with @inukag-week‘s prompt for the day of Acceptance.  Enjoy, Lovelies!

The grassy knoll at the bottom of the biggest hill on campus was the best spot for a break between classes.  Kagome made a point to meet up with friends there at least once a week, but often stopped alone to sit under the large maple that remained its central focus.  There was a large retaining wall higher up the hill that was a frequent spot for the architecture students to sit, sketching the buildings around them, analyzing the lines… usually horsing around.  Kagome favored a book in her spare time, since she did so much studying at home, but today she had a test to finish reviewing for in her next class.

A chorus of laughter caught her attention, drawing her eyes up to the wall. There were several male students and a lone female student,  sitting with a sprawl of meal bags and large sketch pads. One young man, with dark hair pulled in a low tail, was playfully elbowing another in the ribs. With silver hair that nearly glinted in the sunlight and a look on his face that promised retribution, the other young man fairly vibrated with irritation.

Until it burst.

"Fucking...fine!" he shouted, vaulting off the wall with amazing grace and landing as though it were nothing. Which Kagome realized had to mean he was at least part youkai, because that wall was high. She read in the campus paper a month or so before that a human student had broken a leg and arm trying to impress friends by jumping down and miscalculating the height. And the fact that there was a hill at the bottom.

Kagome went back to her textbook, paging to her next sticky referencing the basilar membrane and set in for a very technical read.

"Um…"

Blinking, Kagome looked up and found the silver haired guy standing near enough to obviously be addressing her without getting too close. "Hi?” His eyes widened at her soft greeting and she could see that they were golden in color.  “Can I help you with something?”

“Uh. Well… I…”  He clearly hadn’t thought that they would get this far into the conversation.  Still not sure what his goal was, Kagome slowly sat up and set her book aside.  “My friend has been giving me a hard time and…”

“I noticed.  I’m Kagome, by the way,” she cut in when he was struggling to continue.

“I-Inuyasha.” She smiled at his light blush.  “See, he thinks that you’re probably a freshman, but I thought you were older.”  His eyes widened when her eyebrow went up at his choice of words. “Not that you look old or… Shit.”

Kagome grinned, resting her chin in her hand while looking up at him, nearly sweating under the collar with anxiety now and ready to abandon his mission.  “Sit down a sec.  You look like you need a break.”  He complied without a second thought, plopping into the grass beside her.  They both pretended not to hear the jeering calls from the wall.  “Is this a bet? ‘Cause you won.  I’m a junior.” Inuyasha’s golden eyes flashed triumphantly, then he winced.  “I’m guessing you lot are younger?”

“No.  I’m a senior.  Miroku, my friend, he’s a senior on a victory lap. Maybe a second one… I can’t remember now.”  Kagome giggled.  “We’re architecture.”

“I figured.  I see you guys up there a lot.”  She noticed the intrigued look in his eyes just before she noticed the pair of fluffy ears that seemed to appear on top of his head.  She let out a little delighted gasp, which caused them to lay back again and his face to shutter.  “Saw that landing too.  Nice.  Way to not break anything.”

Inuyasha froze, then slowly relaxed.  He obviously sensed the acceptance in her demeanor.  “Yea, well that kid was human and didn’t know how to roll into the impact.” They chatted for a few minutes about the incident, then fell into a faintly uncomfortable silence.  “What are you studying?”

“Oh!  I have a test on the cochlea in a bit.  Reviewing the basilar membrane functions…”  Inuyasha stared at her with no indication of understanding.  “It’s part of the inner ear.  It moves when sound waves impact the…”  She paused again. “It’s pretty boring, really,” she murmured shyly.

“So you’re like, in pre med?”

“No. Audiology.  Or I will be.  Have to do grad school for that.  Right now I’m Speech and Hearing Sciences.”

“That’s cool.  You study ears and hearing.”  Kagome wasn’t sure he realized that he was wiggling his very prominent ears at her in his excitement.  She grinned and nodded.  “Wow.  Do they have anything on… on canine hearing in there?” he wondered.

Kagome laughed.  “Not really.  This book focuses on human hearing, but I have another textbook at home that compares human to non-human hearing.  I could… Well… if you wanted...”

“Will you be here tomorrow?” he jumped in.  She nodded.  “Keh.  Bring it then.”  A light flush lit her cheeks.  “I-If that’s alright?”

“Yea. It’s alright.”

The pair continued to meet in the grassy knoll almost every day for a week, only the intense rain one afternoon keeping them from seeing each other.  Kagome realized after the storm that she had no way to contact him. They could have chosen one of the libraries to meet instead!  The next afternoon, she put on her brave face and sucked up her nervous feelings so she could ask for his number.

“Oh!  Yea!  I mean,” he paused, clearing his throat, “that would be cool. Or whatever.”

He crouched beside her, starting to put in his password. So focused on the pattern, Inuyasha didn't notice Kagome glancing over his shoulder. He yelped when she grabbed the handset out of his long fingers, studying the screen intently for a moment before looking at him with a faint frown.  “Am I your lockscreen?”

She could see the proverbial "oh shit" in his eyes before he snatched the phone back. Kagome waited for him to respond but found that he was speechless. It was a candid shot, obviously taken from the wall, with her casually laying on her stomach, reading a book. The distance and zoom made it a little blurry, but it was definitely her.

“You weren’t supposed to see that,” he finally squeaked out. Kagome could see by how flat his ears lay against his head that he was about to panic. She had picked up on some of his tells in the last week, as well as done a little research about canine youkai.

What she had also picked up on in her brief search was that hanyou, like Inuyasha, were in an odd place in society.  She had never really met anyone with mixed heritage before, so she wasn’t aware of the stigma.  Inuyasha was likely made very aware of it, regularly and from an early age.  

“You didn’t get a very good angle,” she said lightly, pulling up her own phone and flipping the camera so they could see themselves on the screen.  Inuyasha still looked confused and terrified.  Kagome smiled brightly and caught one shot that way, then nudged his shoulder.  “You gonna smile or what?”

It took him a moment to process what she was doing, how she was reacting to him. That she was… accepting him.  When he finally understood all of that, he relaxed, gaze softening, ears returning to their normal position and a faint grin lifting the corner of his lips.

“That’s better.”  Kagome snapped another couple of shots to make sure they got a good one.  “Here.  Give me your number and I’ll send them to you so you can use one of those instead.  Much better angle.”

Inuyasha chuckled even as he took out his phone again.  “That was pretty slick, you know that?  I wouldn’t have guessed you had that in you.”

Kagome grinned as she put his number into a text and shot off the pictures with a heart emoji.  “I think there’s a lot of things you’ll find out about me that you wouldn’t have guessed.”

Inuyasha matched her smirk with one of his own.  “I accept that.”

@lemonlushff ​​ , @fantastiqueparfait ​​ , @heavenin–hell, @clearwillow ​​ , @mamabearcat ​​ , @thunderpo ​​​ , @keichanz ​​​ , @meggz0rz ​​​ , @disgruntledbeast ​​​ , @sarah-writes-stories ​​ , @zelink-inukag ​​​ , @rikareena ​​​ , @cammysansstuff ​​​ , @mcornilliac ​​​ , @redflamesofpassion ​​​ , @superpixie42 ​​​ , @underwater0phelia ​​​, @cstorm86 ​​​ , @noviceotakus-blog ​​​ , @lavendertwilight89 ​​​ , @hinezumi ​​​ , @wenchster ​​​, @hnnwnchstr ​​​ , @lady-dark-69 ​​​ , @itzatakahashi ​​​ , @juliatheanimelover7 ​​​ , @kazeinori ​​​, @theinuyashareader ​​​, @inupotter ​​​, @eternalnight8806-3 ​​​ , @smmahamazing ​​​ , @willowandfog ​​​, @gaysonthefloor ​​​, @sistasecbhere ​​​, @jennybean91 ​​​ 

[margridarnauds]

re: your post about Celtic Studies, what do you mean by respect? do you mean within your department, that you were treated differently from your peers, and in what way? trying to get a sense of what to expect from grad school (not Celtic, but a similar field)

GENERALLY, and I’m saying this from the perspective of one person in one department, so my experience can vary....While quite a few people in the program did really go out of their way to make us feel like we were a part of the program, I got the vibe from some of the fellow postgrads (NOT the faculty, interestingly enough) that I wasn’t...a Real Scholar™? Like, I was tolerated, but it was like I was a tourist who was passing through as opposed to someone who was a fellow scholar. And, in all fairness....we started off with four American students in the program and, by the time that the first semester wrapped up, we were down to two (the other two were older, they had their own families in the States, and things came up - It happens. It wasn’t the program, it was just the reality of being an international student.) 

It wasn’t outright RUDENESS, more.....distance. It was like they didn’t really know what to do with us and we weren’t really PART of the program. They let us sit in with them at their weekly coffees, so it wasn’t like a “You can’t sit with us” type of situation, more “....what do we do with them? Why are they here?” Part of it was that they didn’t really know us, but I can also say from observation that the experiences of the incoming Irish scholars in the program tend to be much warmer to begin with, with less of a....curve. 

I can almost carbon date when it began to turn around: It started sometime around...I want to say January or February of my second term, when our Old Irish tutor looked at me and said “*Professor Name* says you’ve been flying it in Old Irish.” And then, when Covid hit and I made the choice to remain in Ireland, waiting for the library to open up while I was trying to get my dissertation done, I’d say that that was really the general turning point from me being someone to be humored and kind of given a friendly pat on the head VS someone who is genuinely competent in my own area. (Just don’t....ask me about ecclesiastical stuff.)

I will say that, in Celtic Studies at least, they are USED to getting around one or two American scholars per year, and most of the direct anti-American sentiment I was on the receiving end of came from outside - my department actually got behind me when it hit a high point around July or so last year, but there is also kind of the idea that we aren’t as serious about it. But, if you go to a place that has an American professor, that will also change the dynamics, because they can’t really OPENLY disrespect you for it without disrespecting one of their own professors. 

A phenomenon I’ve observed around some grad students is essentially....an “I’m Not Like Other Girls” thing where they essentially toss other students under the bus in order to make themselves look better, so it should also probably be kept in the context of that. Most grad students are lovely people! I value the friendships I’ve made in my program! But sometimes, because imposter’s syndrome is so rampant in academia, you will find people doing that, and taking their misery and insecurities on others. (Also, I’m willing to say this - It’s especially common among female academics, because they’re subjected to misogyny and then take that out on other female academics out of a combination of insecurity and internalized misogyny. Not every female academic, I hope to God I don’t do it and I’m very grateful for the female professors I’ve had for showing me what being a professional looks like, but it does happen) And, in cases like that, obviously, it wouldn’t matter if you’re American or not - They’re going to be miserable one way or another. 

Also, depending on what country you might be studying in, you might be subjected to a different academic culture that can make things awkward. For example - Ireland, for the most part, is quite laid back. People usually show up to class either at the time it’s supposed to begin or about three minutes after, while most American students I know tend to be there at least 5-10 minutes before (I like to be there 30 if I can.) American students, compared to Irish students, tend to be more emotionally reserved, which can create an image of coldness, while our tendency to make strong assertions (which I was always taught to do when writing college papers, being scolded if I didn’t show confidence in my arguments) can be interpreted as arrogance. It took AGES for me to refer to my lecturers by their first names and, if they were to take it in the worst possible light, that could be seen as me distancing myself while, from my perspective, it was giving them their proper respect. If you travel to one of the Germanic or Scandinavian countries, you might find a very different idea - Personally, I tended to get on swimmingly with the German students.

Outside of the field....I will warn you that if you want to be more public facing, you might get blowback. I’ve seen....probably around 4-5 posts on here, at various times, that are very “Irish studies for the Irish”, including insulting the credentials of scholars who were German or American and had been in the field for decades, purely based off of their nationality. And, in the course of some arguments on here, the details of which I won’t go into to keep the peace and which aren’t relevant to the topic at hand...it has been insinuated that I’m only pretending to be a legitimate academic or that I’m essentially dressing up as a Celt. (Should be noted: I always say I’m a celticist. I’ve never said that I come from any Celtic speaking country and am quite open about being from the United States. Some American celticists do gaelicize their names, I never have because, as far as I’m concerned, it’s a part of me and I feel like it would be hiding a part of who I am.)

Which....to some extent, I can UNDERSTAND it, since they have every right to be skeptical of Brits and Americans handling material that....our countrymen have been known to butcher. I can, especially in the context of Ireland as a former country that is rather tired of its materials being colonized. But also, realistically, if I’m in Ireland, studying Old Irish, I think it can generally be said that it’s safe with me? It isn’t like I suddenly woke up one evening and decided that I wanted to be ~one with the leprechauns~. I’ve been studying Old Irish materials for close to ten years at this point. I don’t know everything, but I can say that I have a solid grasp of my given area. It wants some ultra-nationalist ideal that, frankly, has never existed in the field, even when the field was most intricately tied to Irish Republicanism. If you want to take out American mythographers alone, you’d have to take out the contributions of Carey, Nagy, and Gray (her edition of CMT alone...), and that’s not touching on the fact that many of the great early Celticists were German or Dutch (Van Hamel, Thurneyson, and Meyer, among others....which, predictably, got awkward when World War II came around and we’re still dealing with the fallout from that, but I digress) and that scholars exist as far away as Japan. 

Personally? I do feel like it’s still worth it to go for it - I can’t speak for your field, but I can say that....you might have to prove yourself more than the others, BUT you can prove it, at least to the people who really matter. I will say that I’ve never had a professor treat me differently (...okay, they might spend a little bit more time explaining the basics of how Irish is structured and then save the tough questions for your classmates, BUT in terms of bad experiences, I haven’t really had any, everyone in my program was really kind to the incoming students) and, despite the occasionally rocky start, most of the grad students in my program are people who I genuinely do feel a strong amount of professional respect and personal affection for. It is just one of those things that I wish, looking back, my younger self had known.  

[thebeautyofdisorder]

The Undone & The Divine (BBC Dracula) - Chapter 8

A/N: Okay, sorry it’s been like two weeks since I posted the last chapter. I am such a mess. This is a bit shorter, more of a set up than anything, but informative? I have so many ideas for this, that it took me a minute to figure out in sequence what’s going to happen when.

Pairing: Dracula & Agatha/Zoe, off and on Dracula/OFC

Rating: M, for blood, language, and mercenaries with guns.

Chapters 1-2 Here - Chapter 3 Here - Chapter 4 Here - Chapter 5 Here - Chapter 6 Here - Chapter 7 Here

Can be found on AO3 - Right HERE - or enjoy below the cut

Chapter 8

By all accounts he appears as a human man, at varying states of age depending upon how regularly and well he is fed, lingering even at his most satiated at around 45-50 years – presumably the age of his death. His hair is thick and inky black, kept shorter and slicked back when in public view; his nose aquiline and aristocratic; his eyes appear black at a distance but in close quarters and lighting seem to have a dark mossy-brown hue; admirable bone structure, and a mouth that is at times both harsh and jovial depending upon what impression he wishes to put across at the time. His accent is tainted by those of his victims, but always holds a slight thickness and gravel, reminiscent of his native tongue. His teeth, even when not in the state of blood frenzy, still seem longer and sharper than normal, particularly the canines. His fingernails also are long and honed to a point, and seem to be of inhuman durability and sharpness. He is excessively tall and somewhat broad, though of a generally slim build regardless of his bestial strength. No physical deformities upon the rest of his body when in his humanoid state, though his eyes can seem to gleam in the darkness like those of other nocturnal beasts.

When in the presence of human blood, those eyes dilate and become ringed in crimson, and all blunt edges of his teeth sharpen to slight but lethal points. Animalistic tendencies manifest – hissing, snarling, growling, the hunched stance of a predator, etc. Interestingly, he also seems to bare all the normative signs of the common morphine addict – tension, restless movements, irritability, the inability to control his emotions and behavior. He possesses speed the likes of which the human eye can barely detect, but only in small bursts in the midst of attack, by my witness. He was able to manifest a continual fog, as stated earlier in my narrative, and could very well be at fault for the storm swirling in the seas now, as I write. He can deform himself to fit into any small space, one could assume, though I have only seen him do this by defiling the physical forms of other living beings – notably a wolf at the convent, and the late Jonathan Harker, who was also undead at the time. Whether that’s relevant to this ability, I don’t particularly know. He can call wolves and bats to his service, and possibly flies – whether this works with all creatures and he’s merely chosen these for theatrical purposes, or if he’s limited to creatures of darkness and decay, I have yet to discover.

The ‘kiss of the vampire’ is a strong opiate, meaning most victims are often unaware of his bite or the danger they are in until it is too late. He can create and control the dream state in which they enter, often choosing scenarios of an erotic nature. Whether this is for his own amusement or because of the effect it has on the blood, I can only deduce. This method seems to be equally employed through both sexes though I have yet to see any direct indications of intercourse, willing or unwilling. If he possesses a sex drive at all, it is seemingly outranked by his desire to feed.  

He is highly intelligent and possesses a biting wit, which in another context might even be endearing, and his charm is carefully honed to attract potential victims. Though his mental weaknesses are notable, including his arrogance, lack of self-awareness, and dependence on his victims to take in and retain key skills and information. As opposed to learning the language of a new land through study, he merely drains one of its countrymen and absorbs their inherent knowledge. This leads to a flurry of unpredictable behavior and reckless death, and also speaks of his impatience and lack of discipline, which has undoubtedly lessened with age. He was, in life, an excellent ruler and even better general with a skill for strategy currently wasted on petty mind games. If he could ever reach a point of managing his appetite for blood and destruction, he could be an invaluable resource - a first-hand witness to the last four hundred years of European history.

I’m sure you will, dear brother, quickly dismiss this as folly, but however much you would like to categorize him as yet another mindless demon from the pit, I assure you he is anything but. He may fear the cross, but don’t think there is a heavenly power that instilled that fear. It reeks of an entirely human weakness. You would do well to remember that, should you run across him or any of his kind in the future. While his existence seems to have been very luck of the draw, it’s nowhere near as anomalous as Dracula himself would like us to believe. Others could have survived and done what he has done. In fact, I could almost guarantee it.

Zoe read through Agatha’s words again, this particular afterward for maybe the twentieth time since she’d found it. Not for any particular information, more over just marveling at the clarity, simplicity, and dare-she-say fondness with which it was written, in comparison to the information she’d been brought up with. Shockingly, the nun was able to more realistically sum up the vampire than any other Van Helsing before or after her (granted, she had the firsthand experience), and with so much less fire and brimstone, religious nonsense. It was half of why she’d spent so long away from ‘the family business’ as it were, until she’d had to take over the institute. Science had always been the only god she would acknowledge.

Whatever logic Agatha had administered from across the pond however, while well used, had been entirely riddled with her elder brother’s showmanship and particularly Catholic brand of fending off the forces of darkness. Agatha may have seen him as the devil incarnate, but that didn’t stop her from acknowledging his humanity – and in that, Zoe couldn’t help but agree. Dracula was very much still a man, no matter how immortal or powerful, and he still had all of man’s other weaknesses, sans physical vulnerabilities. Minor detail.

She supposed it had made it easier for both the zealot and the scientist to see their subject of animosity as no better than a rabid dog that needed to be analyzed and destroyed. But that had never been the case at all. A self-serving lesson to learn, she had to admit, but an important one. So long as he had retained some of his humanity, there was certainly hope for her.

It was the only thing keeping her sane through the mock trial this experiment had turned into. Every turn she was being questioned and analyzed harder than she had since grad school, and yet still regarded as the antagonistic and dangerous party. It was a contradiction that made her genuinely question the mental capacity of her colleagues.

Yes, let's aggravate the person we're terrified of. Honestly.

Their latest critique, however she loathed to admit it, was actually sound. They needed a control. A 'direct contact' feed to compare to her bottled one, and they all knew there was only one vampire to compare to. Clearly they didn't actually expect him to participate, they only wanted to de-legitimize her process.

But it would make an impact, wouldn't it?

-----

It was just before sunset, traces of red just beginning to seep onto the surface of the sun, and for the first time in a great while, Count Dracula was unenthused. He was beginning to be rather fond of daylight, even if it came with certain disadvantages, as he was beginning to discover. Perhaps vampires were better off as creatures of the night after all.

Most if not all of his preternatural abilities were greatly weakened by the sun, though why he wasn't sure. It made him feel languid and slow, which was perfectly fine for an afternoon on the beach, but highly inconvenient when he got hungry and none of his more willing resources were available. Physical conditioning or a lesser reality of the lore he'd always accepted, who was to say?

Who indeed.

He had given Zoe plenty of space to run her little experiments without interference, aside from keeping an 'eye' out to ensure she wasn't in any immediate danger. But there was only so long that would last, and despite having ample opportunity to create more brides...he felt like he needed more answers before that inevitability occurred.

Agatha had been right, annoyingly, as usual. Lab rats were not something he needed, especially ones who could question him on topics even he didn't fully understand anymore.

If the Van Helsing women were good for anything, aside from healthy competition, it was certainly bluntness and clarity. Being the only thing close to another vampire of any mental capacity to be in his proximity for over 300 years certainly didn't hurt.

Zoe Van Helsing was someone he needed, a concept he could scarcely understand and wasn't entirely fond of, but if he wasn't mistaken, she needed him as well - and hated it even more.

----

"Dr. Helsing, is this really necessary?"

Zoe found herself staring at the younger but far more egotistical doctor through the glass that separated them with an expression not unlike one would give a particularly frustrating insect who refused to die as fast as she wished it would.

"Is what necessary?"

The man, Dr. Connors, pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose, punctuating his next words with unnecessary flare.

"Well, our sponsor doesn't understand the necessity of this trial, when it cannot possibly prove anything. All of our intel on the 'vampiric condition' states simply that they require blood to sustain life, but also that it's nearly impossible to kill them. Surely your continued …  existence without blood doesn't fully prove or disprove anything. And without anything to compare it to…"

"For now," she interrupted stubbornly, attempting to ignore his tendency to discuss her as though she were a theoretical construct.

"Even so," he continued blandly, "There are surely better uses of our time, in the face of an increasing number of...undead. Preventative measures, protection for the innocent. Unless you can get some sort of control data…"

Their 'sponsor' had sent this idiot to report back on how his precious money was being spent,  and it had become an increasingly infuriating thorn in her side. Or stake in her heart, she was sure he hoped. Zoe had just begun to second guess her tendencies toward homicide, when she felt the tell-tale hairs begin to rise on the back of her neck.

"Oh fuck me," she cursed aloud, completely indifferent to the confused looks of those observing her. They wouldn't be confused for long.

"Careful what you wish for Doctor."

Everyone but Zoe took a startled glance around. She turned around, eyes directly finding the dark ones on the outside of the glass, quirking a stern brow despite the relative chaos of everyone else receding into the corners in panic.

Count Dracula merely flashed her a shit-eating grin in response, relishing her disapproval in equal measure to the human fear beginning to fill the room. Pungent and yet satisfying, she noted, rather unhappily.

"Oh Zoe how the tables have turned," he couldn't resist prodding at her through the encasement, ignoring the guns pointed at his back in favor of taunting her, hands in his pockets. The picture of malicious nonchalance.

She wasn't trapped, as he had been. They'd learned their lesson in that regard at least, but it was a barrier she'd permitted for her own sanity. Watching everyone walk on eggshells around her was grating, and it ruined her focus. Plus, it helped with the sensory overload until she got more accustomed to it.

"And yet you're still the one at gunpoint," Zoe shot back with a hint of a blithe smile.

He turned and directed his overly fond smile towards the tattooed gentleman with the over-sized assault weapon, greeting him like an old friend. The man that Zoe had never seen with a single facial expression looked so dumbstruck that she had to fight down a laugh. This was apparently the last straw for their visiting dictator.

"Count Dracula," came more of a squeak than a shout from the bespectacled doctor's mouth, with such a forced amount of distaste that Zoe was now certain he had lost his mind entirely. "You will not be permitted to attack anyone here."

Shooting Zoe an incredulous look, mostly as she could read translating to ‘Is he serious?’, the vampire watched her answering eye roll very obviously telling him ‘He's an idiot, but reports to the money’.

Dracula finally looked away from their silent exchange, and took out a small pocket flask, not unlike the one he'd left her before, and shook it in the other man's general direction as he passed by him with total indifference.

"Not to worry, I brought my own," he stated, opening it and taking a long swig. It cleared a direct pathway for him easily, bee-lining for Dr. Bloxham who sat at the control panel. She naturally flinched on his approach, despite trying to hide it. He noticed and flashed her a charming smile, to his credit only showing the slightest hint of fang.

"Terribly sorry about the finger," the Count apologized humbly, almost convincingly sincere as he draped a long arm over the back of her chair. "...But would you mind letting me in?"

Bloxham looked somewhat confused. "You want to go in there?" Her eyes shot up to the ceiling. The sun had not completely set. He gave her an encouraging smile with a faint trace of pity.

"I would love to go in there."

Zoe merely rolled her eyes and tapped on the table with relative impatience, as he paced through the parted seas of scientists and interns alike to join her in the completely ineffective glass prison.

"You evil little thing, you didn't tell them," he accused with quiet glee as he approached her from the opposite side of the table.

"If their superstitions help them feel safe, then all the better for me," she excused in a murmur, hoping he hadn't just given the game away completely.

His grin was one of near pride, as he bent his tall form forward to rest his hands on the table. "I can go slit his throat if you want me to. Heaven knows you won't."

She sighed, not trusting herself to answer. "Why are you here?" she asked instead.

"You needed me, didn't you?"

------

Okay, so this could go really amusingly or very terribly - we’ll see what I come up with, eh? Shouldn’t be as long of a wait this time, fingers crossed.

Tag List: @break-free-killer-queen @mephdcosplay @charlesdances @punk-courtesan  @crowley-needs-a-hug @hoefordarkness @bellamortislife @malkaviangirl @imagineandimagine @chelsfic @dracula-s-bride @my-fanfic-library @hyacinth-meadow @mymagicsuitcase @littlemessyjessi @desperatefrenchwriter @ss9slb @crazytxgradstudent @claesbang @mr-kisskiss-bangbang @gettingcrazyforlife @carydorse @dreamerkim @gatissed @alhoyin @girlonfireice @festering-queen @jangleprojet  @guardianbelle @vampiregirl1797

Share with your friends, if anyone else wants tagged let me know!

[springday-aus]

iKon’s Bobby: The Second Chance

Fic Piece Written by: Admin Grandma of @springday-aus​

Moodboard Link: Created By Admin Grandpa

Character Pairing: Y/N [gn] and iKON’s Kim Ji Won (Bobby) 

Other Characters: Twice [Momo and Jeongyeon] and ex-soulmate!Jisoo [Blackpink] 

Genre: romance, little angst (if you squint hard enough), soulmate!au with Bobby (timer + words of the first exchange) 

Type: one-shot writing piece

Word Count: approx. 4k 

Plot Summary: everyone has a destined soulmate, which can be found through a timer and the words of their first exchange. It was created by the gods to help the humans, in leading a less-chaotic life. Ironically enough, this whole soulmate fiasco is unneeded chaos you would rather live without. 

⤷ Alternatively: who the hell says “oh, shit” to their soulmate when they first meet? 

Warnings: long-ass intro/set-up before Bobby is introduced; mentions of polytheism; profanity 

You stare down at the personal time bomb that’s permanently tattooed along your arm. No matter how hard you increasingly stare at it, the time continues to go down—second by second. You already seem to have begrudgingly admitted your fate as you lay your head in between your history textbook. 

You’re doomed. Today’s the day. You’re going to meet your soulmate and it doesn’t seem like the gods were willing to push it back any further. 

In another world, you would’ve chosen a life without a soulmate bond. You’re happy with the way you’re life is going now. Things are just settling. You’ve finally gotten your own apartment; you have a stable paycheck and you’re actually able to study what interests you. You might be research soulmates, but you weren’t supposed to worry about meeting your new soulmate for another five years. So, why did no one out of nowhere have to invade your life now? 

Too preoccupied with your misery, you don’t notice the little chime from the library’s cafe door. Momo enters, looking past the bookshelves and tables for you—her ankle boots quickly clack on the polished wooden floors as she makes her way through. 

She spots you in the corner and walks over, dropping her books on the table. “There you are,” she says. “Sit up, you look like you’re dying.” She takes the seat in front of you, taking in the depression cloud that hovers over your head. “You know, you’re in a public space. You could at least have a nervous breakdown at home, like a normal person.” 

You groan. “You don’t even know the half of  it.” 

“Okay, try me. What happened?” 

You simply lay out your arm out, displaying the little numbers counting down. 

“You’re meeting your soulmate today? That’s great! I thought you had, like, what? Four—or was it five? Five years, right?” 

You finally look at her. “It was five years. But, for some odd reason, the time jumped when I made the decision to meet you and Jeongyeon.” 

Momo grins at you. “I’m glad I don’t have to deal with that anymore. I think the anxiety would have killed me.” 

“Let’s just move on. Did you order anything yet?” 

“No, not yet. I’ll go now, since I know you’re not actually dying.” Momo flashes another smile at you, before leaving the table to head towards the counter. 

Meanwhile, you sit yourself up and clear the table of your previous set-up. It’s fine—everything’s fine. You’ll just focus on what you’re here for in the first place. You pull out your phone for the recording, as well as a notebook and several colored pens. Once Jeongyeon arrives at noon, you can officially start the interview process. Your research is more centered on abnormal soulmate bonds, but you still need normal couples to compare to—Momo and Jeongyeon are the most normal of couples you happen to know. 

You take the last sip of your tea and glance around. The library cafe is supposed to be another study area for university students, but it seems like it’s been overtaken by couples. The open windows allow a bizarre amount of sunlight to pour onto the lovey-dovey atmosphere. Empty cups and plates rest on the occupied tables, and everyone’s eyes sparkle as they look into their sweetheart’s eyes, clearly too invested in whatever the hell they’re talking about. Love: what a gross concept.

Momo comes back, with two coffees in hand and Jeongyeon right behind her. They both settle themselves in the seats facing you, setting down their bags and taking off their jackets. 

“Geez, (Y/N),” Jeongyeon says. “Try not to look too disgusted.” 

“I can’t help what I feel.” 

“Go easy on her,” Momo says. “She’s a bit moodier than usual.” 

“Oh?” Jeongyeon turns to you with wide eyes. “Why’s that?” 

You visibly grimace, practically retreating back into your shell. Momo chuckles, before answering for you. “(Y/N)’s soulmate meeting is happening today.” 

“That’s exciting!” 

You let out a laugh, but it’s one of disbelief and slight dread. “No, Jeongyeon. It’s not.” 

“Why are you even studying soulmates if you hate them so much?” 

“To prove my point.” 

“Which is?” 

“That love is absolute bullshit,” you say. “Even with the gods involved. You know that divorce rates haven’t entirely diminished, right? My research proves that at least three percent of soulmate bonds don’t actually work out. Seventy percent of soulmates may have succeeded, but ten percent have the possibility of getting reassigned.” 

“Yup,” Momo says. “That’s our lil’ ray of sunshine.” Her eyebrows furrow, realizing something. “Isn’t this, like, a conflict of interest? You know, since you and Jisoo ended up splitting—” 

“Nope.” You cut her off, refusing to let her bring up that painful memory. “Nope, none at all.” 

Momo gives her a pointed look. 

“Drink your coffee,” you say to her. You focus your attention elsewhere. You clear your throat, in hopes of moving away from the topic of your first-soulmate rejection. Luckily, the Jisoo incident happened before Jeongyeon joined your little friend group as Momo’s soulmate, but it doesn’t hurt any less because you don’t bring it up often. 

You try not to think about Jisoo often, especially since you were basically kids when you’d first met. You don’t think about how you felt when you first saw her on the kickball field in the fourth grade, or how the wind danced with her hair and the light sparkled against her skin. You don’t remember how bright Jisoo’s smile was when you first looked at each other. You don’t think about you practically spent your entire childhood together—up until sophomore year. 

You don’t think about how much pain you felt when someone—who you were supposed to be with for the rest of your life—suddenly left you because the gods decided you were no longer meant to be together. You don’t think about how shocked you were when Jisoo dropped their relationship so quickly once her timer reset. You don’t think about how angry you still are whenever you see those stupid teenage soulmate bondings in front of your face, as if the gods are rubbing salt into your wounds. 

You don’t think about how Jisoo and stupid Junmyeon got together a bit too quickly, especially when you two had only broken up a week ago. You don’t think about how they were practically showcasing their relationship all throughout the rest of high school. You don’t think about how they’re probably married now, living in some generic neighborhood with their stupid kids and stupid minivan. 

Nope, you don’t think about it at all. 

Your fists clench, nearly snapping the pen in your hand. Momo sips on her coffee. 

Jeongyeon glances between you two before speaking up. “So, why are we here? I think our soulmate bonding went just fine.” 

You try to refocus, racking your brain for the right words. “From what I remember, you didn’t have some corny Nicholas Sparks designed meeting. Plus, I’ve known Momo since middle school, so I can ask whatever I want to get the data I need.” 

Jeongyeon hums in agreement. Then, she leans towards you with a particular look in her eyes. “You know, there’s conspiracy theories that the government is behind all of this. They all probably drugged our water and all of this is an illusion.” 

“What are you talking about?” 

“The theories. There’s one that says pollution is to blame. All those harmful chemicals that are up in the air, went into our water, and it’s causing us to hallucinate. The government is using this to cover it up.” 

Momo rolls her eyes. “Yeonnie, you think the government’s involved with everything.” 

Jeongyeon turns her body towards Momo. “We’re in the presence of an expert—” 

“Grad student.” 

“—we might as well confirm it.” 

“First of all,” you say. “That’s not how this works.” You pause, placing a hand under your chin and the other to twirl your pen. “You two experienced it first-hand, shouldn’t you understand how this works better than I do?” 

“Our first exchange was rather generic,” Momo says. “Someone else introduced us. The first words Jeongyeon said to me was literally ‘what up my guy.’” 

To prove her point further, she shows the words inscribed on her wrist—written in perfect little cursive, alongside a blank timer that’s clean of numbers in line. 

“We met in high school,” Jeongyeon says. “You should’ve known there was gonna be a stupid line on there. It’s not like yours was any better. Do you think I enjoyed having the words ‘I’m sorry, what?” on my wrist?” 

“I needed you to repeat the words! I didn’t actually think you’d be my soulmate.” 

“Didn’t you hear the chimes, bells—whatever you call them—when I said it? Or the little tingle from your arm?” 

“Well, I did. But I needed to confirm it. At least, that’s what I was thinking at the time.” 

“You know,” you say. “The whole point of the chimes and the timer tingle, as you called it, is for you to know that that person is your soulmate. The research time assumes the gods made that modification, after the fraud crimes started to go up around the first generation of the soulmate bonds.” 

“That was a thing?” Jeongyeon asks. 

You nod. “That—that was actually a thing.” 

“Wait, (Y/N),” Momo says. “You got a new phrase! What does yours say now?” 

The couple stare at you, but you move your arms underneath the table and turn away. In hopes that they wouldn’t be able to hear you, you mutter under your breath. “It says, ‘oh shit.’” 

Unfortunately for you, Jeongyeon picks up on it. “Oh shit?” 

You nod slowly, feeling yourself sink into your seat, and reconfirming her words. “It says ‘oh shit.’” 

“Oh,” Momo says. “Shit.” 

You sigh. 

“I’m sure it’s not as bad as it seems,” Jeongyeon says. 

“Yeah,” Momo says. “Maybe the gods have something special planned for you, especially since they kind of screwed you over the first time.” 

You lean back against your chair, your arms wrapping themselves around you tighter. “Let’s just focus back on you two. After this, I just need to go home and stay home. If I’m lucky, nothing will happen and the time will change back to five years.” 

Your plans to hole yourself in at home are officially ruined. 

After the official interview session, Momo and Jeongyeon were planning on going to the farmers market. However, Jeongyeon had forgotten she’d already made plans with an old friend of hers—something about an engagement and party planning—which is how Momo successfully ropes you into coming with her instead. 

“Come on, (Y/N),” Momo says. “They probably have some of those fruits that you like. You don’t even need to worry about meeting your soulmate yet. You have time.” 

So, here you are at the farmers market in front of a grape stand. Momo stands over each bundle, inspecting each bunch carefully. Meanwhile, you’re just there, next to her, smiling awkwardly at the lady on the other side of the time from time to time. 

For a while, you stand there in silence, but then you finally ask her. “Do I really need to be here?” 

“Yes, I’m not like you,” Momo says. “I can’t be alone for a long period of time.” 

“You were probably going to be here for a couple of hours max.” 

“Still. I don’t like being out alone. You should know this by now.” 

“Gods bless for Jeongyeon.” 

“Speaking of which,” Momo says, trying to be cautious with her words. “I don’t think you have to worry about your new soulmate.” 

“Momo, I really don’t want to talk about this.”

“I know you don’t. But, this could be good for you. You haven’t been the same since Jisoo left and I know you’re still hurt, but it happened in sophomore year. You need to move on...maybe that’s why you’re meeting your new soulmate today.” 

“That can still change.” 

“I don’t think you should get your hopes up. It’s been years since Jisoo. Face the facts: this is happening today.” 

You sigh, knowing Momo isn’t going to let go of the subject. “Well, I still think this whole scheme is bullshit.” You pick at the stems of some of grapes in arm’s reach. “The gods should have left me alone after deciding to pair off Jisoo and Junmyeon together.” 

“They’re able to find their happiness. You have the right to find yours too.” Momo stands back up, facing you. “All of this.” She gestures towards your face. “Is more of a reason to push it.” 

“But, why?” 

“Well, you know what they say.” 

“No, I don’t.” 

“‘The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else.’” 

Momo’s car rolls up in front of your apartment complex. After putting it into park and turning on her blinkers, she looks at you, but you’re already unbuckling yourself from the car seat. 

“Have a fun night in with Coconut.” 

“Oh, I plan to. And, please let Jeongyeon know I said thanks again for today.” 

“Of course.” 

With that said, you get out of the car and slam the door shut, ready to wrap yourself in a soft blanket and cuddle with your cat. You’re able to head into the building, only to hear Momo shout from her car window. “Hey! Wait!” 

You turn around. “What?” 

“Keep me updated on the soulmate thing! Let me know how it goes.” 

“Alright, bye.” 

“Bye!” 

With a wave, you watch Momo’s care drive off. You take notice of a familiar car that rolls up to the building. Gods, it’s your neighbor from across the hall. He has never personally disturbed you, but it wouldn’t hurt anyone if he learned how to properly park his car, play his music at a more appropriate volume, or have less house parties on weeknights. You understand that he’s a more social person, at least more social than you, but still. 

What’s his name again? It starts with a B... Brian? Billy? Bob? It’s Bobby! You vaguely remember seeing it on his mailbox. You really should make an effort to know your neighbors better. Someone could be a serial killer and you wouldn’t even know it. You shake your head, taking yourself out of your thoughts. 

You enter the building swiftly, in hopes of avoiding Bobby. You walk through the lobby and into the elevator, pressing the button for the sixth floor. As the doors start to close, a hand comes between the doors and you have to suppress a groan. 

Bobby’s face pops in with an apologetic smile, but it doesn’t stop you from giving him a couple of choice words in your head. You look away from him, trying not to make eye contact. 

Despite being neighbors, you don’t talk to one another. Granted, it’s normal since it’s only been a couple of months since you’ve officially moved in. But, you can’t seem to recall if you’ve actually spoken to him. There’s been the polite smiles, nods, and the occasional waves (and some secret glares you give him from previously mentioned disturbances), but never an actual greeting. 

Although, you have heard things. It’s not that you mean to eavesdrop—it just happens. The rooms are close enough and the walls are fairly thin; eavesdropping was bound to occur. One night, you were organizing your data from the previous week, you had overheard one of Bobby’s friends (Junhoe, maybe?) laughing his ass off from across the hall. Long story short, whenever he meets his soulmate, they won’t be thrilled to meet him. 

You couldn’t help yourself from glancing down at his arm. It’s fully covered by his shirt’s sleeve, yet the wrist exposes his partner’s oh-so special words: you need to get the fuck off of me. You almost laugh aloud just thinking about it, but you suppress it by biting on your lower lip and focus on the elevator’s floor. 

Yeah, he could play his music a bit quieter and learn how to wear less cologne, but you can’t help but feel sorry for the poor guy. You can only imagine what would happen for those words to be uttered. 

The elevator stops at the sixth floor and the both of you get off—footsteps matching one another’s. You remain silent as you both make your way to the end of the hall. With another polite smile exchanged to one another, you unlock your door and step into your respective home. 

Once you shut the front door, you’re greeted by Coconut. You can’t help but coo at the little ball of white fur that walks between your legs, rubbing his head on your ankles with a soft purr. 

“Hi baby, did you miss me?” You pick him up, hugging him against your chest. “It’s just you and me tonight.” 

You bounce him a bit in your arms, lost in your own world and that’s when you hear it—a strong bass beat plays in the background. Your face contorts—gods, you’re really praying for his soulmate. 

The bright light of the TV shines against the darkness of your living room—well, at least you and your couch. You sit cross-legged with Coconut lying comfortably on your lap, a blanket on your shoulders, and the remote in hand. You go through the movie selection your Netflix account, before debating whether or not if you should watch something else or just bury yourself underneath your sheets to avoid your up-incoming doom. 

You could binge-watch a random show for the time to go by quicker, or you could take one of your fifty milligram sleeping pills—which Jeongyeon gave you a while back. One of those suckers is enough to knock you out for the next twelve hours. 

If you’re being honest with yourself, you don’t really feel the need to do anything too drastic. You’re prepared to stay in for quite a few days. You’re well-stocked on food and you don’t need to go to the lab until the next week. Also, Coconut doesn’t need to go out, so that means you don’t have to go out. Had you gotten that cute Pomeranian from the shelter instead, you might’ve had to meet your soulmate sooner rather than later. 

You find yourself grimacing once more at the thought of having to meet your new soulmate. If the first one didn’t work out, what’s to stop the second one from doing just the same? Granted, you’ve interviewed a lot of couples and most worked out on the second try. Key term: most. 

There was that one lady who divorced, at least, three of her soulmates. The gods must have given up after the third try, because she ended up dying alone. You should’ve been left along, just like that lady. 

Jisoo is certainly thriving with her new soulmate—you can say whatever you want, but nothing’s stopping you from seeing all the godsforsaken photos on Facebook or Instagram. 

Nope. Nope, you’re not dealing with this. You’ve already covered up the timer with some bandage wrap (who knew that the first aid kit would come in handy) to prevent yourself from looking at it all night. Maybe if you sleep now, the would just reset back to five years. That sounds reasonable...right? 

No one has ever successfully avoided their soulmate. All throughout history, it shows that timers would just reset. You aren’t trying to avoid your soulmate forever—you’re just trying to avoid whoever your soulmate is now. You were fine with waiting for five years, or even ten. What are the gods thinking? You’re not ready for this. You should’ve been given a warning or something: all of this is just giving you a migraine. 

You shut off the TV and move yourself off the couch, despite Coconut’s protesting meows. You move towards the door and the windows, making sure they are securely locked. You might not trying to find your soulmate, but that doesn’t stop the gods from making them coming to you. Shame that there’s nothing you can do about the fire escape; that’s a lost cause. 

As you look out the window, you can easily spot out Bobby once again. What is it about today that you’re seeing him all over the place? He’s dressed in more casual war—compared to when you saw him in the elevator. He’s yelling and laughing with some of his friends in plain sight. 

“I’m meeting my soulmate today!” He yells. “Whatever happens, happens!” 

All of them start to chant like frat boys. “Bar hop! Bar hop! Bar hop!” 

Oh dear gods. 

You move yourself away from the window and go over your mental checklist again. After securing the locks one more time, you walk over to your bedroom and crawl into the full-sized bed, quickly making yourself familiar with your sheets. Coconut follows shortly after, jumping onto the bed and nuzzling his nose towards you. 

Reaching out, you pet him and scratch his chin, then you speak with a soft whisper. “Good night, Coco.” 

Someone’s in the living room. 

You’re trying to ignore it. 

There’s a crash, followed by a couple of swear words, which is followed by another crash. 

Coconut has woken up, meowing at the closed door that separates you from possibly experiencing life or death. You bury your head further into the pillow. This—this cannot be happening right now. 

You should’ve taken the sleeping pill. 

There’s another crash, followed by heavy footsteps, which are now right outside your bedroom door. 

That’s when you realize: you didn’t lock the bedroom door. That’s it. You’re going to die. 

You swiftly grab your phone from your nightstand and turn it on silent mode, before retreating back underneath the sheets. You can easily call the police if they actually come in, but what if it’s too late? 

You don’t bother poking your head out. Instead you cling onto the comforter and try to quiet down your breathing. Is it a burglar? A thief? Or worse? Could it be…? 

Meanwhile, Coconut moves himself off the bed and towards the corner, already losing interest in the odd noises. You should’ve gotten the dog. 

Your door opens and the footsteps get closer, eventually stopping at the edge of your bed. Your heart drops. What’s this person going to do? 

You grunt from the sudden weight being thrown on top of you. Because for some reason, this fool—this complete stranger—has laid himself on top of you. Well, technically, next to you, but his body is spread out—an arm and a leg lays on top of you. 

The familiar smell of alcohol hits your nose. That’s definitely vodka. 

This idiot is drunk. 

Your curiosity gets the best of you and you end up tugging the comforter down, taking a peek at the intruder. You’re met with the view of Bobby. His bangs dangle down, brushing softly against your forehead. Your eyebrows furrow: this can’t be right. 

He’s slightly sweaty. His skin looks like he’s shimmering. His eyelashes have an almost perfect curl to them. His cheeks are flushed and his mouth is slightly opened, his natural pink lips are parted to let out his breath. Your heart pounds in your chest, flustered from the close proximity. 

You nudge him once.

He doesn’t wake up. 

You push him, nearly shoving him off your bed. He finally awakes, cracking an eye at you, only to shut it again with embarrassment written on his face. 

“Oh, shit,” he says. He laughs at himself. “I’m in the wrong apartment, aren’t I?” 

Your heart stops, feeling the tingle from your arm and the little chimes in your head. Your head spins and you rack your brain, trying to find the words to respond to him. Ironically enough, you can only think of the one phrase you should have been avoiding. “You need to get the fuck off of me.” 

[classicdaisycalico]

For the prompt thingy, Luigi and Daisy with "I heard you crying." ;)

Miscellaneous angst starters.

Aaaaaa I’m sorry this took so long! Grad school is taking over my life and I have no time left over besides to study and work part-time (although I think this week might be less of a work-load for me, so that’s good!)

Okay, now for the Italian lessons:

Dimmi = “Tell me”“Non è stato facile.“ = “It was not easy”Per certo = “Fore sure”

Luigi and Daisy, “I heard you crying.”

***

Someone else was sitting at the hilltop.

This puzzled Luigi greatly; almost nobody knew this place on the outskirts of Toad Town. Just getting to the top without getting tired was difficult as it was. Doing so required someone with long legs of some variety, something the Toad citizenry of the Mushroom Kingdom sadly lacked. Furthermore, he was only one of two people who even knew about the overlook to begin with.

The only other person he knew who was aware of its existence was Daisy. He had shown it to her the day they met, after spending the afternoon in town getting to know one another. Maybe it was her sitting there?

Slowly and quietly, he inched closer to the figure. Its shoulders were hunched over, face in its hands, shoulders shaking every now and then. The person must have been crying. He walked closer still, suddenly stopping when he finally recognized that it was, in fact, Daisy.

Truth be told, it took him a while to recognize the princess. Her ruby red crown had been replaced with a golden one, instead. Gone was her yellow dress with the white dollop pattern at the bottom. One with orange trim and matching panniers took its place, with an extra overskirt. What caught his eye the most, however, was her hair. Instead of falling past her waist, it now settled at the middle of her back, flipping at the ends.

But why was she crying? Just seeing her so sad was enough to make Luigi’s own heart ache along with hers. The fact that she came to the hilltop, of all places, made him suspect that Daisy didn’t come here just because she could. She probably wanted him to find her here.

So he did, cautiously and carefully, pacing ever closer until he was right next to her. “Princess?”

Her face was still buried in her hands, but upon hearing his voice, she froze immediately. Slowly, she lifted her head. “Luigi?” she whispered.

The princess suddenly began fiddling with her hair, trying to hide her tear-stained face. “What are you doing here?”

The plumber tilted his head slightly, confused by her reaction. She hadn’t once looked at him, instead turning her head in the complete opposite direction. He reached out to Daisy, hoping he would get an answer somehow. “I heard you crying,” he said, sitting down next to her. “Is something wrong?”

She furiously began wiping away her tears with her free hand, still keeping her hair in place with the other. “I’m fine...don’t worry about me.”

That didn’t sit well with him. “If you were fine, you wouldn’t have been crying,” he countered. “I know what I saw and I know what I heard. Something’s wrong. Dimmi.”

The tension in her body loosened as she let out a sigh of defeat. Taking as much time as she could, Daisy turned around to finally face him. She could barely give him a quick glance before her eyes flickered back down to the ground. All the while, she half-heartedly tucked some of her hair behind her ear. “I got a letter from my parents this morning,” she began, her eyes still looking away. “They said I should be clear to fly home soon.”

“Did they say how soon?”

“No.” She swallowed hard, to keep more tears from coming. “I know I should be happy about it, but...I’m not. And if that weren’t enough...”

She gestured to herself. “I’m sure you noticed something different about me?” she said quietly.

How could he not? “It’s...different.”

“I knew it.” she lamented. “I knew putting all this together was a bad idea. The only good thing about this outfit is that it matches Peach’s, but the haircut makes me feel...gross. I appreciate the idea...really, but right now I just don’t feel like myself.”

For a while, the plumber didn’t know what to say, so he just continued listening.

“I’m not so worried, though. I mean...” she laughed weakly. “It’ll take a while, but my hair will grow back. But right now...”

She leaned against his shoulder. “This is all happening so fast. This stupid haircut was just the tipping point. I’ve gotten to know Peach’s home all over again, and just when I’ve gotten used to it, now I have to uproot myself again so I can reacquaint myself with Sarasaland. There’s no way of knowing how much it’s changed compared to how much the Mushroom Kingdom did.”

So that was what her problem was. Honestly, Luigi and his brother could definitely relate to that, since they were still re-acclimatizing to the Mushroom Kingdom themselves after six years of living in New Donk City. “I don’t know how Mario and I ever did it,” he admitted. “Non è stato facile. Even now, while we’re still recovering from the terror attacks, it isn’t easy.”

“Of course it wasn’t. A lot changed in the six years you were away. But what did you and your brother do when you moved back home? And what can I expect when I do the same thing?”

He thought back to several months before, when he and Mario encountered their hometown in complete disarray thanks to the Koopa Troop. When they finally resettled, they didn’t have much familiarity to go off of.

Still, some was better than none. Perhaps that was how they were able to restart their lives so quickly. “You know that saying? About how the more things change...”

“The more things stay the same?” she finished. “Yeah. What about it?”

He put a reassuring arm around her. ”I think you’ll be surprised by how much is the same. It might be more than you expect.”

Daisy smiled as she felt him her closer. “You’re sure?”

“Per certo. It makes whatever is different seem less frightening. Sometimes, what’s different is less than what hasn’t changed.”

“That’s good.” She placed a hand on top of his. “Except now there’s one more problem...I’ve gotten to know so many people here, and now I have to leave them all behind soon. It’s not fair.”

Her fingers laced through his, not wanting to let go of his hand. “I’m going to miss everybody so much. Mario, Peach...”

“Me?”

“Especially you,” she said. “I’ve never grown so close to someone so quickly...especially not like this. It’s a little scary, now that I think about it. But I don’t want to lose this. What if this is the last time I see you?”

He shook his head immediately following her question. “That won’t happen.”

“How do you know?”

“I just do. I’ll write every chance I get if it means talking to you in some capacity. I’ll scrape every bit of savings I can together for me to go wherever you are, just so I can see you...haircut or otherwise. And I know you want the same thing, too.”

She blushed as she felt him kiss the top of her head. “Always.”

He let his head lean against hers now. “It won’t be the last time, Princess,” he assured her. “I promise.”

[samwise-though]

Sabrina’s Top Ten

This is a little bit (a lot bit) out of my blog’s wheelhouse, but I ask you guys to bear with me! For one of my seminars, I have to do a Top Ten project, in which I talk about ten different things relating to Pop culture, music and/or theory. So, if you don’t want to read this, that’s fine! I’m putting the bulk of the post under the cut!! This is basically just me commenting on how weird pop culture is, and fangirling about Taylor Swift.

(Sorry Dr. Burke, you’re absolutely going to have to read about Taylor Swift, and I am realizing that after Adorno I’m incredibly cynical about popular culture now)

#1: Taylor Swift: Archive, Collecting and Identity

I think as I began this year, there was this feeling of necessity to blast off with the song “22” from @taylorswift​’s album Red. All the way back in 2012 little fifteen-year-old Sabrina knew that when she turned 22, she would be playing that song All. Day. Long. 

Here’s the thing though: while yes, I did listen to “22” more than any of the other songs on Red that day, I also spent a lot of time listening to the rest of the album as well. I came to the realization that I could identify with the album better than ever. There was something so profound about the way @taylorswift​​ captured that moment in time, in her life, and have it still remain so relatable. I spent a long time considering this, but it wasn’t until I encountered Jean Baudrillard’s The System of Objects that I really began to find a way in which to understand what was happening for me (and undoubtedly many others, considering Swift’s success). In chapter two: “A Marginal System: Collecting” Baudrillard references Maurice Rheims’ ideas of collecting for children, “For children, collecting is a rudimentary way of mastering the outside world, of arranging, classifying and manipulating”. Ultimately, collecting is a way in which we learn to form identity - and what is an album, if not literally a collection of music that in and of itself acts as an ultimate tool of identity construction? I’ve been listening to @taylorswift​​’s music since her official 2006 debut. That is a lot of time spent self-identifying with a musician and her music. Constructing even part of your identity from something that is a collection that is very much a large part of someone else’s identity is such a weird concept. Why do we do that? 

Even more interesting though, is the fact that Taylor has said on multiple occasions, that her albums are like diary entries (not to mention the great number of other people drawing that particular comparison). Thus making each album that she has released up until this point a small archive, collecting and ordering that point in time. Either way, @taylorswift​​ continues to find success in creating archival collections that are reflective or refractive of her own identity.

With the release of Lover and the inclusion of her diary entries as an addition to the deluxe versions of the record, it follows in the history of including controlled snippets of her life in the physical copies of her albums. From the first five albums, she included secret coded messages within the lyrics of each of the songs. In 1989, Taylor included copies of polaroids with lyrics written across the bottom of them, each numbered - so you knew you got certain ones, and not others. As well, starting from 1989 @taylorswift​​ has also included voice memo recordings from her writing and recording sessions, so that fans can have a better understanding of her creative process. 

All of these details add to the personal feeling that @taylorswift​‘s albums seem to emanate. This feeling is only magnified through the additions of the diary entries in Lover (deluxe). Each album is a carefully constructed archive of @taylorswift​‘s life, that her fans then go on to add to their own ‘Taylor Swift collections’ and continue to alter their identities through the new piece of the collection that she has created.

#2: The Reproducibility of Childhood

If there is anything in recent memory that should be considered with Benjamin and mass-reproducibility in mind, Disney and the company’s capitalizing on re-making all of their old animated films should be discussed.

They did this really clever marketing tactic in which they pretty much re-do the original trailer they released for the original movie, shot-for-shot with the new film footage:

I will admit it didn’t work quite as well with the 2015 version of Cinderella, in which they altered a greater amount of the story, as compared to The Beauty and the Beast. Obviously, the trailer that has found the most success thus far with this tactic, was the most recent release of The Lion King.

What is the most intriguing thing is that Disney is embracing the past iterations of the movie, basically just repackaging the old story in (for most of the movies) live-action acting rather than animation and selling the audience very nearly the same exact thing. And not only are they very blatantly reselling the masses the same thing, but they are also saying, with these side-by-side trailer comparisons that “hey, look, we're doing this thing exactly the same way” and without question, we buy into it because it is familiar and feels of childhood. Having read Adorno’s Culture Industry Reconsidered, I feel as though we should really be taking a moment to question why we are allowing Disney to amass so much capital from movies that we have already seen. By drawing on our cultural memory of these movies that were so fundamental to many children in Western society growing up, Disney is literally monetizing our childhood memories. It is just as Adorno says, “The culture industry fuses the old and familiar into a new quality.”

While these movies get a shiny new paint job, it is still blatantly the old and familiar.

But I guess Disney has always been about capitalizing on memory.

#3: The ‘Classics’ and Aura

I have spent a lot of time over the past year, shaping my identity. I made a lot of life-changing decisions, one of which was to go to grad school. It was not a quick decision, and it more or less happened over the span of a year, during an English course I took. The class was a lecture on Victorian and Edwardian literature. I found myself really fascinated by the Victorian novels that we started the class with. When we got to Thomas Hardy’s Tess of the d’Urbervilles I was a goner.

I fell in love with Hardy’s story and my love for the Victorian and 19th-century studies only solidified further throughout the semester. However, my entire experience at the university has been plagued with serious imposter syndrome. Thoughts of how “I don’t belong here,” and that “I don’t really know what I am talking about” were the soundtrack playing in my head every single day. I was always worrying that I had grossly misunderstood the texts we were studying, my interpretations were wrong, and that I would make myself look like a fool. All of these feelings, when analyzed at a later time, were all rooted in the idea that we were studying ”The Classics,” narratives that were part of the Western Literature Canon. How could I possibly understand literature that was considered “Great”?

There is a constructed aura around the literary canon that is also extended to the place in which that canon is taught. A very elitist feeling that has been cultivated since the beginning of higher education. For me, when making the decision to continue my university education by taking the leap to apply for Grad schools, this aura only grew - to the point in which it almost feels that it will be impossible for me to get into a graduate program. It feels as though Graduate programs are meant for a specific group of people - and somehow I am evaluating myself to not fit into that group. 

But what exactly is it that still continues to be such a fundamental influence over the population that University is considered elite, and those narratives should be the ones to makeup Western Literary Canon? Is the legacy of Colonialism still so etched into our ideas that we literally still believe that the novels that a bunch of white dudes agreed were good are the be-all-and-end-all of good literature?

What’s bothersome about this is, I didn’t get to start asking those sorts of questions, and experiencing a wider array of literature until I reached my upper-level seminar courses, for my honours degree. 

Courses that you cannot take unless you are a part of the honours program.

Ironic isn’t it? The elitist aura can only be questioned from well within the elitist institution.

#4: The Avengers: [Streaming]Game

Marvel’s first cycle has now come to an end with Avengers: Endgame. It’s odd to think just how emotionally attached the fans (myself included) have become to the superheroes that, many of which will not be returning after this installment in the Avengers franchise.

(Loki Gif included because bae deserved better - and a TV show that I have to pay for absolutely does not make up for it)

Marvel is now going to capitalize on certain character deaths (see above), by giving them TV series and prequel movies to help entice the masses that have been so invested in their stories up to this point in the cinematic universe. The problem is, though, any character receiving a show, it will only be aired on the Disney + streaming service.

The Disney + streaming service comes long after Netflix, Hulu, Amazon Prime and other streaming services have already established themselves. The issue that arises out of this system of individual streaming platforms, is that subscribers have to either subscribe to every new platform that arises or else to pick an choose which content they are willing to not have access to. It's a ridiculous system, and it will make it nearly impossible to have conversations with those around you because it should be a safe assumption at this point - ad if not now, certainly in the near future, that no, they probably haven’t watched it, because they don’t have access to it. 

This is obviously just a new way to control the products that companies produce. But it also brings to mind Benjamin and his ideas regarding mass production (”Work of Art”). Has the aura of the film been diminished because of the sort of re-producibility that come out of easy access (watching it any time you want), or, has there been a new mutated aura created for these films and tv shows because of the lack of access people may have to multiple platforms?

I guess we got what we wanted, easier way to access the tv shows and the movies we love, but at the cost of having to choose where we are willing to spend our money. It's a very Adornian thought, in that we wanted something, it was produced to the best possible economic value for the companies creating them, and then we continue to buy into the product. 

#5: Sparknotes and Memes

If you have a twitter account, and like literature, you should really check out SparkNotes’ twitter account.

They have become more and more popular over the last few years due to their use of the relatable internet language we know as memes. They, of course, are not the first company to engage with their users in such a way, many companies have been using social media to brand themselves in a very personable (and personified) way.

By doing this, they are making themselves appear more accessible to today’s youth, who are primarily influenced by what they see and interact with on the internet. 

There is something less sinister about SparkNotes utilizing the internet and memes to direct themselves to the younger audience - they are after all an educational aid group in which they are providing texts in more manageable and understandable terms. 

Other companies, however, like fast-food restaurants who utilize social media as though they are an individual rather than a company... That is quite a bit more insidious. 

 #6: Concert Movies

I want to return to music once again. But not in the traditional sense. I want to discuss concert movies.

There is something so weird about concert movies! They seem to exist in a separate space from actually attending a concert with live music and listening to the album. There is something very artificial in the sense that most of the time it feels very engineered, because of camera cuts and camera changes, and the difference in going from a front-row perspective to the camera shot cutting away to a wide shot so that the stadium is in full view. But then it also fulfils its purpose as “live music”. There is this sense in which it feels like you can’t look away, in case you miss something, even though you can pause it! 

It is a heavily controlled, or perhaps, curated experience. Realistically, there are so many different cameras that are recording the same moments, that in post-production they are able to choose the best possible moments to cut together to provide to the viewers (I avoid the word audience here, because there is, in fact, a physical audience that we as viewers of the movie, are separated from). 

I looked into the history of concert movies, and a quick google search led me to Pink Floyd: Live at Pompeii a concert movie in which Pink Floyd played a short set of songs to no audience and recorded it.

Which is an odd concept, especially when you think about how it inspired other artists to film concerts. 

That they played. 

To no one.

I could see with Pink Floyd it being more of an artistic venture, but more recent concert movies like: Jonas Brothers: The 3D Concert Experience, Reputation Stadium Tour and Justin Timberlake + the Tennessee Kids all are more framed as giving the viewers the opportunity to experience the show, but still having them remain apart from it. Some of these concert movies feel as though they were produced to allow those who did not have the opportunity to attend the show in person the chance to experience what that might have been like, others are made with the intent to give the viewer a little bit more of the backstage/behind the scenes experience. What all of them have in common, however, is the opportunity for the artists to profit once again off of the shows that they have already played. 

Whatever the purpose is behind the movies being produced, they all are this weird experience of not-actually-being-there and knowing exactly what it would have been like to have attended. 

#7: Instagram: Curating the Self (Definitely inspired by Sophia’s Presentation) 

The Instagrams of popular artists are heavily curated to really emphasize their brands (”that’s very on-brand for you”), and who they are trying to portray themselves as. I feel as though no one really does this better than @taylorswift​. 

Shortly before she released reputation she wiped her Insta clean and started sharing gifs of different parts of a snake - a motif that she fully embraced for that particular era in her career. It was a practice she embraced again, leading up to the release of the first single of Lover. While she didn’t wipe her Instagram clean again, she did lead up to the release with little hints and teaser images that were all very inspired by the colour scheme and feel of the new album:

If you look at any artist’s Insta account you will find at least some of this curatorial work.

This brings us once again, back to the class on collecting, archiving and how collecting plays into identity construction. Each artist is curating their identity that they want to show the world (not unlike the discussion that we had involving Lana Del Rey and the front that she presents to the world, instead of her true self).

The work that goes into the Instagram account is mirrored in every public appearance, every show they play, and every interview they give. It is an odd concept when considering it in regards to the artist, but it becomes even weirder when we consider it in terms of just everyday people. We curate our lives on social media platforms to present ourselves in the best way possible. And we don’t have millions of people watching us while we do. Perhaps the hope is that the ideal that we portray could someday be reached, and that's why we continue to collect the images and videos to construct the ideal identity for ourselves.

While my life certainly isn’t very glamorous, I definitely do at least some curatorial work on my own Insta.

#8: Nostalgic Television

There has been a resurgence in the love of some older series like Friends and Gilmore Girls through the access to the full series on streaming platforms. Some of these shows have not aged very well (see: a good deal of Friends’ jokes), but the love for them continues anyway. 

Recently, tv shows such as those named above, have been branded as “nostalgic television” and has been slated to be psychologically beneficial to help with anxiety. 

But why do we remain so attached to TV shows such as these? Well, supposedly, just like the way we are drawn to watching the remakes of Disney’s movies as I mentioned earlier, it reminds us of our childhoods:

Will Meyerhofer, a New York-based psychotherapist and author, says watching our favourite old shows can be a useful tool for dealing with anxiety and mild depression.

"For my clients, these old shows are like the food they grew up with. 'The Brady Bunch' or 'The Facts of Life' or 'The Jeffersons' is like that beloved baloney sandwich on Wonder Bread with just enough mayo the way mom used to make,” he told TODAY.

 A recent Facebook post on The Mighty health community got hundreds of responses to the question: "What TV show from your childhood would you want to marathon-watch on a bad flare day?" The answers ranged from "The Waltons" to "Barney Miller."

That's because television from yesteryear can make us feel safe and secure in a world that feels increasingly chaotic.

“In therapy terms, it's an instant — and for the most part healthy — regression in the service of the ego,” Meyerhofer said, adding that he unwinds with old episodes of "Star Trek: The Next Generation.”

We long for a time when we felt safer, less stressed and when we were able to really enjoy the things we liked. TV shows that we watched as we were growing up provide us with the nostalgic fulfillment that we need to feel happy - even if it is just for the length of a thirty-minute Friends episode.

#9: Screen TIme 

 Something I noticed when I was watching Reputation Stadium Tour... for research... there was very few people who were actually just watching the show. There were many screens visible in the crowd at all times. 

Something that has become very prevalent in concert culture, is that you don’t actually experience the concert first hand, you view it through your phone screen, as you record. 

It is something that I have noticed myself doing, and have set the limitation of only allowing myself to record two songs out of the entire concert.

By viewing the concert through the recording, the actual experience of the concert is altered, and even though you are standing there in the room, you are participating at a distance, rather than being involved in the moment.

The need to record and to photograph, I would argue, comes out of the feeling of necessity to archive and sort every memory that we have. Concerts are special occasions and we don’t want to forget them - and if we don’t have a video or photo, did it really happen? We need to archive every moment so that we can go back to it later and remember how great it was. 

But how great was it really if you were staring at your phone screen the entire time?

#10: The Rise of KPop in Canada and the US

There seems to have been a shift lately in Western popular culture in which Kpop (Korean Popular Music) is now being considered more mainstream.

Groups like BTS have found success on Western pop charts, their collaboration with Halsey, Boy with Luv, peaked at #10 on Billboard’s hot 100. Other Korean groups like Blackpink and Twice are also making a name for themselves on Western pop music charts.

What is interesting is that Kpop doesn’t really follow the same frame that most of the Western pop does. A lot of Kpop seems to be more dance-influenced, thus influencing the music stylistically and opening a lot more interesting opportunities for music videos.

Kpop is something different and separate from what Western Pop is comfortable with, and what influence it will have on the framework of the norm will be very interesting to see. I do wonder what Joshua Clover would have to say about Kpop groups and their involvement in popular music, and whether or not he would classify them in with the “Abject, feminized, and inauthentic: *NSYNC, Backstreet Boys, and Britney Spears...[who] dominate the list of best first-week sales”(103). There is, after all, something about the rhythm-based and often synthesized melodies that are prominent in Kpop that feels like a call-back to boy bands and pop stars of the late 90′s and early 00′s

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Well, that is it for my top ten! If you made it to the end, and are not my Prof [who does have to read it all the way to the end - Hi Dr. Burke! You made it! ] Thanks for reading!! 

[academiceve]

Grad Profile #1: Interview with a Health Psychology Masters Student

I thought that it would be fun to introduce interview style blog posts on my blog! I have friends in amazing places, doing amazing things, some of which are attending graduate programs! I would also like to talk more about Psychology and what it is like to continue your studies in one of the subfields, so I hope I can hunt down more people but also include those in different disciplines too!

This first interview is with my dear friend, whom I know from undergrad, as we both studied Psychology. She is currently in her 2nd year of a Health Psychology masters program. 

The Interview

1. Why did you decide to study Psychology for undergrad and what was your experience like?

Psychology was not actually the initial undergrad choice. I got interested in the subject sometime after taking an elective Psychology class in high school. It grew on me. Then after some researching and career testing, I decided to stick to the field. It was one of the best decisions I could have made. I thoroughly enjoyed my undergrad studies.

2. Name 3 favourite/least favourite Psychology subjects that you had to take during your undergraduate studies.

The favourite courses that I had in undergrad were definitely Abnormal Psychology, Marriage and Family, and Family and Addictions. The subjects were interesting on their own, what with dealing with different psychological disorders, subtleties of family life, and a broader understanding of addiction disorders. In addition, they were taught by the most amazing professors, who were really passionate about their subjects and knew a great deal, both from an academic standpoint and from personal working experience.

Meanwhile the subjects I liked the least were Evolutionary Psychology, Organisational Psychology and, as useful and necessary as it is in the field, Statistics. The first two subjects were simply not as appealing to me (and were perhaps taught by the wrong people). Meanwhile, statistics was never, and is still not my thing. I think that it’s alright because not everyone is destined for research and not everyone has to like the same things. The important thing is to try.

3. How did you know that you would like to further your studies by obtaining a masters degree?

For me, getting a masters degree was never a question of wanting it. It is just something that has to be done in order to actually work in the field. The question I had to face was figuring out which masters to get.

4. How and why did you choose to study Health Psychology for your masters degree? Talk a little about your program, how long it is, what kind of classes you take, etc.

Choosing Health Psychology for my masters was not an easy choice. It involved a lot of research and a lot of talking. There were talks with professors, family and friends. The first offered their professional insights. Family, meanwhile, helped to figure out the financial/scholarship matters. Lastly, friends were there to listen and to offer their own insights. Honestly, sometimes, it felt less like talking and more like rambling about the same thing over and over again. But it helped. All the options were considered. It makes me all the more glad that I had someone to talk to.  

As for the program itself, the Health Psychology program takes two years to complete and consists of 120 credits. Each semester consists of classes worth 30 credits. It amounts to about 5 subjects each semester, except for the last, which has only 2 that are worth more credits: second practicum and thesis writing and defense. There are several mandatory classes, such as counselling and psychological evaluation, statistics (yay, but sarcastically), rehabilitation, etc. Then there are 3 elective classes that can be taken. For the thesis, it takes 3 semesters to write. The first semester is dedicated to literature review and introduction, the second to methods and the last one to discussion and results. 

5. What do you like/dislike about studying Health Psychology? Is it what you expected it to be? Is it different from what you expected? If so, how?

In regards to my personal liking of the program, I can say that I am rather enjoying it. Some of the subjects are particularly interesting and valuable. For instance, I do not know what I would have done without the psychological evaluations class or the mock counselling sessions in various other classes. They were the basis I used during the first practicum, where real people came with real problems and real psychological evaluation needs. My masters was my standing rock, helping me bit by bit become better at what I want to do in my life.  

Other subjects are naturally, not as interesting or valuable. Then again, it has to do with personal interests and qualifications of people teaching them. You might be surprised to hear that sometimes a person with three degrees and teaching a masters course might have no idea what they are talking about.

On an ending note, here is something I wish someone would have told me.  It might sound out of blue but I hope it helps. Health Psychology, while part of the medical psychology branch, deals a whole lot more with somatic diseases and their psychological treatment, e.g. diabetes or heart attacks, and less so with psychological disorders, e.g. depression or schizophrenia. Clinical, meanwhile, does the opposite. That said, if there is anyone out there undecided between health psychology and clinical, really consider that distinction. While I made my choice, no one made it clear enough while I was applying. To me the two fields seemed completely overlapping (I was wrong). 

6. How did you feel before beginning your masters studies? What the transition from undergrad to post grad was like?

Starting something new can be a pretty scary experience. It was for me. Especially because I had to move to another city. It was my biggest leap of independence yet. Though, scary as it was, I was still excited for my studies. As for the transition, I expected it to be more challenging. It wasn’t easy and there were certainly days when I called my family or my friends and told them that I wanted to quit, to come back home, to try again later or maybe never. I was fortunate to have them there at those times. Then, as the academic year went on, I made new friends, I got adjusted to the different system, different language, new professors and a schedule that was absolutely different than the one in undergrad. All in all, life got better.

7. What was your first year experience like of your master’s degree?

I started the year very excited, albeit a little scared. There were ups and downs, subjects I adored, professors who were amazing, then there were classes I skipped (yes, even in grad school) and the professors I dreaded hearing lecture. Then the motivation was gone. I am not entirely sure why. Health Psychology is something that I do like. Perhaps what I missed was a gap year, to take a break from academics. The summer that I took off was not enough.

So here’s another advice: if you feel like you need a break, take it. No one knows you better than you. Maybe you don’t need a break, maybe you can go into grad school right away and nail those several years. If not, rest. Grad school won’t go away.

In my personal experience, I don’t regret the decision of not taking a gap year. I had an enjoyable year. I just don’t know if I would make that decision again given a second chance.  

8. Is the workload different from undergrad? If so, how? Do you do more work now or is it about the same? Do you have days off? Any tips for adjusting to the workload in graduate school?

It’s rather difficult to compare the workload between undergrad and grad school. In undergrad, the classes were spaced out during the week, Monday to Friday, usually every day; there was a lot of homework, a lot of reading. Now, the days I need to physically go into class range from two to maximum three, as a way to benefit students who also work. The readings are still just as plenty but I guess undergrad teaches what to read, what to skim and what to pretend to have read. For homework, well... It’s all about whether you manage your time right. If I did my assignments at the rate I allowed myself in undergrad, I would have failed the year. The expectations are much higher, instructions are fewer, and getting used to writing papers in my native tongue after doing it in English for four years has been difficult. Do not even get me started on the length. Enjoy undergrad while you can.

Key to getting everything done comes down to time management, multitasking and a few other things I would like to briefly expand upon. One, it is crucial to communicate with your professors. Look at your assignment due dates (make a list of those) in advance. If you see that a semester worth of assignments is crammed into a single week, tell them. The professors can and usually adjust the dates to benefit the students. Unless they are told hours before or after the due date. Two, for the love of puppies, take time off. Go see a movie, read a book, invite a friend over for tea, whatever you like, the important part is that you don’t fry your brain trying to do everything in one sitting. Leave that for the midterms and finals. Everyone says they will study ahead but no one does. Cure? None.

9. How do you manage your time? Are there any productivity/time management apps/tools that you use?

As said above, time management is crucial. To better succeed at it, I have all of my due dates for assignments listed. It helps me decide which projects are a priority, how much time I can dedicate to each, by when I should be done.

Another tool is making a list of everything that needs to be done, say, in a day. Write it down on a sticky note, a piece of paper, whichever; it helps to keep focused. It is also very satisfying to cross things out.

Lastly, I would like to promote Zotero or Refworks when it comes to making “References”. It saves a lot of time and frustration. It stashes all the read articles in a single place and makes references for you with a few single clicks. Saved me hours!!!

10. What was the application process like for grad school for you? Did you have to do a lot more/or less in comparison to undergrad? Did you have to have an interview?

Contrary to undergrad application, which has a national-wide online system to help you out, applying to grad school is on you. Every university has different application dates and deadlines and there are always the application fees. Universities also limit to how many of their programs you can apply to. Mine had four (for both paid and government financed studies), meanwhile another university I applied to had twelve. Most require to come for an interview. Applying is rather stressful and much more independent. Though, at that point in life, it’s not something you can’t handle.

11. Since you had to do an interview, please share what kind of questions they asked you and any tips that you have preparing for an interview.

As much as I would love to share my interview experience, I am afraid it’s already mostly lost to me. I was super stressed out on the day because it was my number one choice program. What I do remember was being asked why I wanted to study in their university, why the particular program, would I still come to study there if I did not receive a scholarship (which was an option for me) and if I could read 10 English books in a year (still don’t know the point of that). I think they also asked me to tell them about my professional experience. Not that any undergrad has much. It then helps to speak of conferences, what you’ve attended, if you’ve presented somewhere.

Interviews are scary, but they shouldn’t be. Just remember that the interview is such a small tiny thing. Even if it doesn’t work out the first time, you can try again. A lot depends on our cognitions. If we tell ourselves it is frightening, then we make it so, in turn making ourselves more prone to “stress mistakes”. If we don’t, it’s not. I think I remember telling myself: “whatever happens, happens”, before going inside. That helped. Besides, the outcome depends as much on the interviewers’ moods, personalities and personal bias, as it does on your personal input. 

More specifically, to please the interviewer(s) you should look up your program. Knowing what classes you may be able to take and gushing how excited you would be to take them is really a bonus. Tell them how it aligns with your professional interests, so have at least some idea what your professional interests are.

12. What are the top 3 study tips that you use while studying for your masters degree?

Write down due dates and start completing the assignments at least several days before it has to be turned in.

Do readings on time.

Make detailed ‘to-do’ lists for the assignments at hand. Cross off completed work to feel better.

13. I know that this is the most annoying question, but after your masters studies, do you have an idea of what you would like to do? Talk about your dream career choice. What kind of further schooling you will need to achieve it?

Doing my practicum has helped me realise that I would really like to work as a health psychologist. I found that I rather enjoy doing psychological evaluations and counselling people. I am well aware that I still lack the skill and the practice. It makes me look forward to the second practicum, where I will get a chance to improve and learn more. And after I am done, I hope I can apply my knowledge and continue to improve as I work. I do wish to go into one of the psychology schools and become a psychotherapist. Perhaps, sometime later in life, once I’ve rested from the academics and actually earned the money necessary to further my studies. We’ll see. I’d like to be hopeful and encourage the same in others.

I hope you enjoyed this interview and a massive thank you to my friend for agreeing to answer questions and talk more about her experience in graduate school! If you would like to read more from me, click HERE to see other blog posts! You can also follow my studygram HERE for some inspiration! 

[dnkaus]

Fateful Visions | Chapter 13: Infatuation

Namjoon x Reader (OC)

Summary: Idol Namjoon meets a grad student, Maya, but he experiences strange visions each time their eyes meet and they touch one another. Fate plays a magnetic role, & keeps bringing them together. Are these visions a sign that they should stay away or stay together?

Genre: Angst, Fluff (eventually)

Previous Part: Chapter Twelve  Next Part: Chapter Fourteen 

After the conversation with Namjoon, Maya truly grasped the reality of her own situation. She realized she was going on a date the next day. She also realized this was no ordinary date. This was a date with Kim Namjoon. Was this really happening? Had she really been just asked out on a date by Kim Namjoon? As Maya came in terms with her reality her blood pressure started going up. She began to question everything. She began to realize she didn’t even know where he was taking her on the date. She had no idea how she should dress or what they would be doing on their date. Maya started to panic. Why didn’t she ask him where they were going? How could she be so stupid?!

Meanwhile, Namjoon was also almost as much stressed as Maya. He had managed to ask her on the date, but he had no idea where he was taking her either. Namjoon did what every other millennial does when they are unsure about things: he searched the web for the best places he could take Maya on a date. He also had to pick a place that was secluded so that they could be alone without anyone knowing. No fans or paparazzi. Namjoon decided they could go on a hike on a small trail near Inwangsan mountain. That trail was usually pretty empty and would be an easier stroll for the two of them. He hoped that Maya was okay with their date being somewhat less fancy. It was just hard for him as an idol to go to public places. Nonetheless, Namjoon decided to ask Maya what she thought about his idea. Namjoon texted Maya around 2am, thinking that she was probably asleep by that time and that he would probably just end up receiving an answer the next day. However, Maya could not sleep at all after their phone conversation, and so she was wide awake when she received the message from Namjoon.

Once again, Maya had somehow managed to subtly read Namjoon’s mind. Maya knew what Namjoon meant when he said go to sleep. In fact, her response was supposed to be for Namjoon’s original message that he didn’t end up sending.

Maya’s heart was full after that text conversation. Namjoon would never know just how grateful Maya felt when he asked her about how she felt about hiking. This was new to Maya. With Caleb, things rarely went the way Maya wanted. The fact that Namjoon was so considerate of Maya’s likes and dislikes just made Maya less nervous about her choice.

On the other hand, Maya would never know just how grateful Namjoon was to know that she was okay with them just going hiking. Namjoon was worried, because Ji Hyu was not really into nature and she hated outdoor activities. It was good to know that with Maya at least Namjoon would be able to be more of himself.

Soon the time arrived when Namjoon was supposed to pick up Maya. He had just finished his schedules for the day and had told the members he was going to go hiking with his other idol friends. Truth be told, members were getting more and more suspicious of Namjoon’s behavior. Besides, Yoongi no one really knew what was happening.

Namjoon also messaged Maya that he was leaving, before he left, just to give her a warning that he was coming over. Namjoon wanted to make sure Maya was comfortable. He wanted to make sure that she did not regret giving their relationship a chance.

When Namjoon arrived to Maya’s apartment, Maya was all ready to go. Maya had especially went shopping just for the outfit she would wear for their date. She was afraid that her usual clothes would fall flat compared to Namjoon’s high end wardrobe. In fact, that was one of Maya’s biggest worry going into this relationship. She was worried she would not be able to keep up with Namjoon’s elite idol lifestyle. Nonetheless, she was trying her best. Little did she know that Namjoon could care less what type of clothes Maya wore, so when she walked out with her unusually expensive outfit, Namjoon was slightly confused.

Namjoon didn’t say anything when Maya came towards the car. Again, his main priority was to make sure Maya felt comfortable with him and besides she looked amazing, so he had no reason to comment. At least not now. Namjoon went around to open the door to the passenger side seat for his new lady friend. Maya was caught by surprise at his gesture even though he had done the same thing the last time they rode together.

“Here you go,” Namjoon said while opening the door.

“Oh, you don’t have to do that. I can open the door” Maya replied.

“I know you are completely capable of opening your own doors, and might even be better than me at opening doors. But still, I wanted to. Please, if it’s okay with you. Can this be our thing?” Namjoon asked gently.

“Our thing?” Maya asked, her heart fluttered a little with the way words sounded when they came out of Namjoon’s mouth.

“Uh, nevermind...maybe that was a bit too forward. I am sorry! I won’t do this if it makes you uncomfortable. I just--” Namjoon was doing that thing again and Maya realized so she stopped him.

“Namjoon, you are fine. You can open the door for me, but in return I get to have a ‘our thing’ too” Maya smiled. She was good at bargaining.

Namjoon tilted his head, indicating that he was taking her offer into consideration. “Alright, what type of thing?” Namjoon asked.

“Hmmm, I am not sure yet, but I will let you know when I find it.” Maya answered.

“Hmm, alright. Well, for now let’s head out, shall we?” Namjoon responded.

Maya nodded and sat down in the car. Namjoon closed the door once Maya was settled and went back to the driver’s side seat.

Soon they were off to Inwangsan mountain trail. At first, both of them were quiet, as they didn’t know what would be an appropriate topic to talk about. They had always stuck to topics like books and literature, but they both knew they eventually needed to branch into other conversations if they planned on getting to know each other. Hence, they both took the first few minutes to figure out what to say. Eventually, Namjoon came up with a topic they had not previously talked about much.

“So, do you really have 5 siblings?” Namjoon asked. He assumed he should know at least a little bit more about her family if they were going to date.

Maya laughed. “Yep, I do and they are all brilliant.”

“Oh, really? More brilliant than you? I doubt it.” Namjoon looked over at Maya with his hands still on the steering wheel.

“Oh, but it’s true. I have 2 brothers and 3 sisters. Two of my sisters are studying to be a doctor. One wants to be an anesthesiologist and the other wants to be gastrointestinologist. Both are twins and they just applied for a Doctors without Borders program in Cambodia. My other sister is in the pre-law program at UCLA and she wants to study immigration law so she can help those who get wrongfully deported from America. One of my brothers wants to work for NASA, and has already received an internship from NASA, even though he is only a sophomore in high school. And my youngest brother is only 14, but he builds computers as a hobby. I am telling you, my siblings are way more brilliant than me.” Maya explained.

Namjoon gulped after hearing the background of each of Maya’s siblings. He imagined what it would be like if he met any of them. Would they ever approve of Maya dating someone who has only studied music? He tried to shake away the thought as he was worried he would have a panic attack just thinking about it.

“Wow, you do have quite a family. But that doesn’t mean you are any less brilliant.” Namjoon retorted.

“Namjoon, you don’t have to lie just because we are...you know…” Maya couldn’t finish her sentence. The word ‘date’ made her heart beat too fast and she didn’t want to have a heart attack while she was on a date. Maya blushed and looked down at her hands.

“We are on a what?” Namjoon immediately noticed Maya’s hesitation in using the word ‘date, and so he decided he had to take this opportunity to tease her about it.

“We are...you know” Maya still couldn’t say it. She bit her lips and looked outside her window. She could feel Namjoon staring at her but she wouldn’t dare look at Namjoon.

“I am not sure what you mean?” Namjoon was starting to enjoy this game.

Maya sighed and looked back at him. “Why are you doing this?” she asked in a frustrated voice. Of course, Namjoon found her frustration even more adorable.

“I am not doing anything though. What did I do? I am just asking since you didn’t finish the sentence.” Namjoon answered with a smile, and he shrugged his shoulders while his hands remained on the steering wheel.

“Fine. I’ll say it. You don’t need to lie to me just because we are on a…(inhales) date” The last part of the sentence came out as more of a mumble. She again became shy, and started staring out the window.

Namjoon couldn’t control his laughter at Maya’s response. How can someone be just so cute?  He thought. “Anyways, I wasn’t lying when I said you are brilliant. Pursuing your PhD in writing isn’t a small feat.” Namjoon decided to get back to the original conversation.

“I guess…. But writing isn’t really viewed as a good career in my family.  My parents always say I am wasting my potential.” Maya’s face became glum as she thought about her parents’ reaction when she told them she wanted to become a writer.

“I understand. At the beginning my parents also had a hard time accepting my choice of pursuing music.” Namjoon replied.

“They did? How did you convince them?” Maya asked.

“I don’t know. I think my mom saw how happy I was when I was with my music and she realized it was more important for me to be happy.” Namjoon answered.

“Hm, well I am grateful you pursued music, because who knows what this world would have done without your music.” Maya thought back to the night when she wanted to break up with Caleb. It was BTS’s lyrics that had given her the motivation to break up with him. The messages in their songs were what kept so many people going.

Maya’s words tugged at Namjoon’s heart. “Thanks. I guess I wouldn’t have been able to meet you either if it wasn’t for my music.” Namjoon looked over once again.

This time Maya returned the look and a small smile spread across her face. “I guess not.”

The rest of the car ride was quiet again. It wasn’t the awkward silence. It was a reflective silence. Both of them were just thinking of all the things and decisions that had led them where they are.

Soon Namjoon pulled the car towards a small parking space in front of a park. He parked the car, put on his mask, grabbed his backpack from the backseat, and said “here we are. The trail is actually a bit farther away, but this is the only place for us to park, so hope you don’t mind the walk.”

“Of course, not. We are here to hike anyways!” Maya said as she  picked up her bag from her lap and  tried to open the car door. However, before she could open the door, Namjoon suddenly appeared by her door.

“This is our thing remember?” Namjoon reminded Maya as he held the door while Maya got out of the car.

“Are you seriously going to do this every time?” Maya asked while laughing.

Namjoon aggressively nodded.

“I am going to need some time to get used to this” Maya replied.

“No worries. Take your time. What’s the rush?” Namjoon assured.

Maya gave a slight nod and looked away, her heart was still beating fast. She tried to calm down her nerves as they both began walking towards the trail. However, there was just no end to Maya’s nervousness.

Halfway towards the trail Namjoon suddenly stopped and opened his backpack.

“What happened?” Maya asked out of curiosity.

Namjoon pulled out two water bottles and handed one to Maya. “Here take this, in case you get thirsty.”

Maya laughed as she took the water bottle in her hand. Namjoon gave her a confused look.

Maya explained the reason for her laughter by opening her bag and pulling  out two water bottles. “I have one for you too.” Maya said as she handed Namjoon one.

Namjoon also laughed. “Great minds think alike!” Namjoon said.

“Especially when they have 98% same biorhythms.” Maya added.

Both stopped and laughed for a while. “I guess I won’t be needing this one then.” Namjoon said as he  put the water bottle he brought for himself back into his backpack.

“Same here.” Maya also put the one she had brought for herself back into her bag.

Both exchanged a smile  for a second and continued walking. Soon they arrived at the trail.

“Here it is.” Namjoon said once they got to the front of the trail. There were brochures and maps at the front for hikers to grab before they started their journey. Maya immediately went and grabbed every brochure she saw. There were some about the history of the town, some about the trail, and the maps were about all the different routes they could take to reach the mountain. Maya started reading. Namjoon also joined in and both started talking about the different things they were learning about the place. After a few minutes, Namjoon realized they should probably pick a route and start hiking.

“So, should we start? Which route do you want to try?” Namjoon asked.

Maya looked at the map and tried to decide the route she preferred. “Umm, maybe route B? There is also a view of the lake if we take this route” Maya suggested. It was the route that she thought would be most scenic.

“Okay that works for me.” Namjoon agreed. “Let’s go.”

Namjoon and Maya started their hike. Both of them focusing on their surroundings. Every now and then both of them would point out something they saw or stop to take pictures of the scenery. At one point, Maya saw a grasshopper on a leaf so she stopped and went towards it to take a look. “Woah, look at this little fellow.” Maya said. As she observed the colors. Unlike other grasshoppers this one was colorful. Maya became absorbed in the beauty. She pulled out her phone and started taking pictures. However, instead of the grasshopper, Namjoon was more intrigued by Maya’s reaction to it. Namjoon also pulled out his phone. However, his subject was Maya, not the grasshopper. He wanted to capture Maya’s curious expressions. Her eyes were focused on the little bug and she was so absorbed in the moment that she didn’t notice Namjoon taking her picture.

“He is so pretty!” Maya said she finally looked up at Namjoon. As she did, Namjoon quickly tried to hide his phone to prevent her from knowing that he was taking her picture. But it was too late. Maya became suspicious.

“What were you doing?” Maya asked.

Namjoon was terrible at lying his expressions were flustered and he didn’t know how to hide it. “Umm, nothing. I wasn’t doing anything.” Namjoon responded.

“What were you doing with your phone then?” Maya asked. She folded her arms.

“Oh, I was just looking up what type of grasshopper it was.” Namjoon tried to come up with a reasonable excuse.

“You were taking a picture of me weren’t you” Maya squinted her eyes and looked at Namjoon.

Namjoon gulped. Crap! She knew!

“No...I wasn’t” Namjoon gave one more futile attempt at hiding the truth.

“Delete it!” Maya demanded.

“But why?” Namjoon asked.

“Just delete it! Please!” Maya pouted.

“But...but I don’t have any pictures of you…and you looked so cute…please let me keep it” Namjoon pouted back.

Maya started making whiny noises, which were even more adorable. Namjoon was afraid he would melt and give in to her puppy face. But he knew he had to hold his ground. He really wanted to keep that picture.

Maya continued to whine  “No, it’s not fair. I don’t have any pictures of you either!” Maya said.

“Are you kidding me? You can just google my name and get a billion pictures of me a thousand different angles. At least let me keep this one” Namjoon argued back

“Uggh, fine. You are getting away this time mister, but now I am watching you.” She pointed at Namjoon and warned him. Then she continued to walk ahead. “ Aish, it’s probably such an ugly picture.” Maya mumbled to herself.

“It wasn’t ugly! I don’t know how to take ugly pictures! See” Namjoon pulled out his phone and showed her the picture. Namjoon was right. It was beautiful. The trees in the background, and Maya’s glowing skin under the small beams of sunlight that peaked through the canopy of the forest made her look beautiful. Her attention was on the rainbow colored grasshopper and there was a small smile on her face. It was perfect.

Maya carefully looked at the picture and then rolled her eyes. “Whatever. I am watching you Kim Namjoon. Don’t try this tactic again.” Maya reminded.

“Yes, Ma’am!” Namjoon jokingly put his hands up in the air as a gesture that he was retreating. He couldn’t stop smiling knowing that he had still gotten to keep the picture.

Maya scrunched her face and continued walking. The two of them continued to walk until they reached a stream. Namjoon was about to step over the stream until he saw Maya’s hesitation.

She gulped when she saw how wide the stream was. She wasn’t sure how she would cross it. There was a rock in the middle, but it was covered in moss and the force of the water was strong. She was worried she would fall. Namjoon knew exactly what was going through Maya’s head.  Namjoon slowly went ahead and stood on the rock that was in the middle of the stream. It was wide enough to fit both of them. Then he reached out towards Maya. “Give me your hand.” He said.

Maya looked at him with hesitation. She shook her head. “It’s okay.”

“Maya, just trust me. I won’t let you fall.  Just give me your hand” Namjoon insisted with a demanding voice.

Maya gulped and slowly put her hand into Namjoon’s. Namjoon grabbed her delicate hand tightly and slowly pulled her forward. Maya gently stepped towards the rock where Namjoon was standing. They were both standing close. So close that Maya could hear Namjoon’s heartbeat. So close that Namjoon was tempted to pull her into a hug, but he was trying to resist. That was until Maya almost lost her balance, so Namjoon quickly put his hand around her waist to keep her steady and Maya grabbed onto Namjoon’s shirt to keep her balance.

“I got you. You are okay” Namjoon assured as he felt the panic in Maya’s body language and noticed how tightly she was holding on to his shirt. Holy cow, was this real? Why did it feel so right? She didn’t want him to let go. He didn’t want to either. But he eventually had to for him to go forward.

Namjoon slowly let go of her waist and took another step towards the other side of the stream. He was still holding on to Maya’s hand, but she was feeling scared again as she was alone on the slippery rock. “You are still good. You are okay.” Namjoon kept mumbling as he went  to the other side.

Once he was on the other side. He gently tugged on Maya’s hand, to gesture her to come to the other side. She followed by slowly stepping forward. Namjoon even reached out his other hand in case Maya wanted to hold it. She took the offer and now was holding both of her hands with Namjoon’s.

She then reached the other side and let out a sigh of relief, while she continued to hold both of Namjoon’s hands. She realized within the next split second and let go immediately with her face becoming bright red. “I am so sorry. Thank you for helping.” Maya quickly put her hands in her jacket pocket and  looked away. Namjoon was a little disappointed when Maya let go of his hand. He wanted to hold it longer.

“You can hold it longer...if... if you want.” Namjoon blurted out his selfish thought.

Maya immediately looked back at him. Her heart was pounding, but when her eyes met his chocolatey brown orbs she couldn’t feel any nervousness. Of course, she wanted to hold his hand longer and it was clearly written all over her face. Namjoon read her expressions, and he smiled and held out his hand again. Maya looked at his hand, gently tucked one of the strands of hair behind her ear, and put her hand gently into his again. Namjoon pulled her closer beside him and they started walking again. Both were careful not to make eye contact while the held hands. They just walked quietly. Enjoying each other’s company.

Soon the trail ended and they reached the exit. “Welp, we made it!” Namjoon said.

“Wow, is it already over?” Maya questioned as she gently let go of Namjoon’s hand.

“Why? did you want it to go on longer?” Namjoon jokingly asked.

“No...I mean...it was fun” Maya hesitantly replied.

“Yeah it was. I am glad you had fun too.” Namjoon felt relieved.

“I guess we should head back.” Maya said.

“Yeah we should.” Namjoon agreed.

They both got to the car and again, Namjoon opened Maya’s door before she could even think about it.  Maya laughed and sat down. Then he came around and sat down on the driver’s side.

Namjoon started driving. It was quiet until Maya requested that Namjoon play his music in the car.

“I always like the songs your recommend on Twitter” Maya told Namjoon.

“You do?” Namjoon was surprised to hear.

“Yeah I think almost all of them are on my phone.” Maya said.

Namjoon felt thrilled to know that Maya liked the type of music he listened to. He loved sharing his music with the world, and it felt like now he had someone close that he could share his music with too. It warmed his heart.

Namjoon again reached out and took Maya’s hand into his. “May I?” He asked.

Maya smiled, nodded, and intertwined her fingers with his tightening the grip. It felt so right.

The two then began to talk about their childhood days. They talked about Maya’s life in California and Namjoon’s life in Ilsan. They talked about Namjoon’s trainee days and Maya’s undergraduate experiences. They shared anything and everything that came to mind. No filtering and no hesitation. Their conversations were just falling into place.

Unfortunately, the car ride eventually came to an end when they arrived back at Maya’s apartment. Namjoon sighed. “I guess here we are.”

“Yeah, time keeps flying by too quickly.” Maya noted.

Namjoon decided to at least drop off Maya till her apartment door. He was trying to buy as much time with her as he could. They walked upstairs together to her apartment and stopped when they reached the door.

“Maya…thanks for giving me a chance” Namjoon said almost in a whisper to make sure none of the neighbors heard them.

“Thank you for today” Maya whispered back.

“Does this mean you’ll go on another date with me?” Namjoon asked. Maya was looking at her feet, but Namjoon saw the shy smile that spread across her face. She simply nodded.

“Maybe you can plan next time, if you want” Namjoon suggested.

“Really?” Maya’s eyes lit up as she looked at Namjoon.

Namjoon suddenly became worried. There were not many places he could go with her, he thought he should tell her that they can’t go anywhere with a lot of crowd.

“It’s just...we have to be careful. We can’t go out where there are…”

“I know. Actually, I am not sure how you would feel about it...but can I ever come see your studio?”

Namjoon was surprised at Maya’s request. Of all the things she could have asked. She wanted to come see the place where he felt the most comfortable. It was as if she had read his mind.

“You really want to come to my studio?” Namjoon asked, his eyes were wide in surprise.

“Of course. I want to see where you create all your masterpieces.” Maya laughed.

Namjoon smiled. “Ah, I wouldn’t call them that...but I would love for you to come see it.”

Maya quietly clapped her hands. “Eeee, I am so excited!”

“You’re silly!” Namjoon shook his head. He couldn’t understand why she was so excited to see it.

Maya merely laughed and slowly started unlocking her door. She wanted to spend more time with him. She didn’t want him to leave. But she knew he would eventually have to. “I guess I should head in.” She said.

“Alright. I will see you next time.” Namjoon waved and started walking away from Maya’s apartment. Maya stood there for a moment. She felt like she already missed him even though he was only just a few steps away.

“Namjoon…” Maya called out his name before he started heading downstairs. Namjoon stopped in his tracks and turned around.

“What is it?” He asked.

Maya had no idea what she was doing. She just went along with what her mind told her. She went up to Namjoon and gestured him to lean closer to her. Namjoon was confused but he followed Maya’s directions. She leaned into his ear and whispered “I like you.”

A really bright smile formed on Namjoon’s face as he comprehended Maya’s words. And as soon as the dimples appeared, Maya leaned in again, gave him a quick peck on his right dimple, and ran away while saying “you’re silly too!” and closed her apartment door behind her.

Namjoon was so astonished he couldn’t move for a good while. He just touched his cheek where he still felt warmth from Maya’s soft lips. He was so disoriented that he almost stumbled down the stairs. He wanted to scream and shout with joy, but he couldn’t. He had to somehow drive to his house without having a complete meltdown.

Meanwhile, Maya had a meltdown after she realized what she actually did. She had no idea why she did what she did. She collapsed onto her bed and hid her face in the pillow trying not to  think about what she had just done. She couldn’t believe it. She had just given a kiss on the cheek to Kim Namjoon. Had she gone crazy? Perhaps she had.

The rest of the night both Maya and Namjoon were submerged in the euphoria from their date.

Few days later

As per Maya’s request, Namjoon picked out a day when she can come to his studio without any of the other members knowing. This time happened to be late at night. He had told Maya they had to meet at night so that there wouldn’t be other staff or members there. Maya understood.

Maya had insisted that she would just meet him at the studio as it wasn’t very far from Maya’s apartment. Namjoon had told her to call him, when she got there so he could let her into the building.

Maya arrived 5 minutes before their decided time and called Namjoon. Namjoon was busy organizing his studio, making sure everything was perfect. He didn’t want anything out of place. Still when Maya called, his heart began to beat faster.

“Hello! I am here” Maya said as he picked up the phone.

“Hey, I’ll be right out” Namjoon said.

“Okay, see you soon” Maya said.

Namjoon half ran to the front door of the building and before opening the door put his hand on his heart trying to calm himself down. Truth be told, he was still not over their last date.  Maya’s sweet parting gift from last time still had left Namjoon intoxicated. How would he see her today without melting?

Nonetheless, with shaky knees and butterflies in his stomach, Namjoon opened the door and found Maya’s smiling face.

“Hi…” Namjoon managed to mutter.

“Hi…how are you?” Maya asked.

“I am...I am good” Namjoon answered.

Namjoon opened the door wider so he could let her in. She stepped inside the building feeling a bit overwhelmed. She couldn’t believe this was the BigHit Entertainment building. She couldn’t believe she was stepping into the world that she knew almost nothing about just couple years ago.

“What’s wrong?” Namjoon asked as they started walking towards the studio.

“Nothing, I just can’t believe I am in this place.” Maya said.

“Why?” Namjoon asked.

“I don’t know. It’s just hard to believe everything that’s happened the past few days.” Maya answered as she adjusted the shoulder strap of the bag she was carrying.

Namjoon nodded. “I understand.”

Eventually they reached the studio and Namjoon unlocked the door and led Maya inside. Suddenly Maya felt a wave of familiarity wash over her. She remembered she had seen this room in some of her visions.

“Here it is. My safe haven.” Namjoon introduced his studio.

Maya smiled and looked around at all the little figurines and collectables. Maya knew about Namjoon’s obsession with collecting KAWS toys. She found it incredibly precious and also thought it impressive how many he had managed to collect.

“I hope my collections don’t scare you away.” Namjoon joked.

“Nah, this doesn’t scare me. You haven’t seen my collection of stamps.I understand the obsession”

“Wait, really? I didn’t know you collected stamps. You’ll have to show me sometime” Namjoon asked.

“Sure...my book is at my apartment.” Maya replied and continued observing the studio. She was careful not to touch anything and just looked from distance. Namjoon also had some gifts from fans that he had on display, along with a picture of BTS and his family. Maya and Namjoon had talked about his family during their last date. It was clear that Namjoon was close with his mom.

Namjoon just let Maya look around for a bit and then asked “So, what do you think?

“Oh, sorry...I just got carried away. It’s awesome in here. It feels like...it feels like you” Maya responded.

Namjoon nodded in intrigue. “Interesting. And what do I feel like?” Namjoon asked.

Maya thought for a second. After her bold move during their first date, Maya was slowly letting go of her walls around Namjoon. “I guess this might come off as a little weird but you feel like a sanctuary” Maya responded the word that came to mind every time she tried to describe how she felt when she was around him. It was a feeling of both contentement and tranquility that was fused in with her emotions of euphoria and ecstasy. He was becoming her sanctuary. Namjoon made her feel safe and free at the same time. It was strange because she had never felt that way before.

Namjoon was silent for a moment. He just continued to look at Maya. Maya suddenly became self-conscious about her words, regretting her decision to be so forward and to give away such personal thought she felt towards him.

“I am sorry...that was a bit weird wasn’t it.” Maya said as she put her hand on her forehead out of regret.

But her regret faded, when she suddenly felt Namjoon’s arms around her. A feeling of both excitement and  serenity spread  throughout Maya’s body as she felt the heat of his body enveloping her. Her sanctuary was embracing her.

“I have wanted to do this for a long time. I hope this is okay.” Namjoon said as he was going through similar waves of excitement and peace inside of him. But he still wanted to make sure Maya was comfortable with his sudden move. He had never felt so complete or content in his life. When Maya called him her sanctuary, Namjoon knew exactly what she meant as he often felt the same way around her. He knew there were no real words to express this feeling, so he just described it through his actions.

Maya nodded into his chest, as she wasn’t sure she would be able to speak. She slowly put her arms around him, slowly melting further into his arms. Namjoon pulled her closer in, as he had finally had her permission. Namjoon could smell his favorite Maya’s fragrance again and that elevated all his feelings. He wanted to stay like this forever.

Namjoon suddenly heard muffled sobs coming from Maya. He immediately loosened his grip to see what was wrong.

“Hey, what happened?” Namjoon asked as he looked down towards her. He saw tears rolling down from Maya’s cheeks. Maya quickly let go of Namjoon, took a step back,  and hastily wiped her tears.

“I am sorry, I am not sure where these came from.” Maya replied. “This is embarrassing.” She let out a fake laugh.

“Maya, is everything okay? You can tell me anything.” Namjoon was concerned. He understood the overwhelming emotions they were feeling, but he couldn’t quite understand the tears.

“No, everything is fine. I guess, I just got carried away. I didn’t mean to scare you.”

“You don’t scare me, Maya. Just know that you can tell me if there is something bugging you. Okay?” Namjoon was concerned because he suddenly remembered what Junmyeon had said about Maya’s past. There was something painful that Maya had been through, and Namjoon wondered what it was.

Maya nodded. “Okay, I will...for now, I wanted to ask, have you already eaten?” Maya changed the topic, returning back to her bright and cheerful self again.

Namjoon knew this was just Maya’s way of changing the topic, but he didn’t want to force her to say anything, so he decided to leave that discussion for later. “Ummm...no I haven’t had dinner yet. Why?”

“Well, I actually brought dinner for us.” Maya took out a few containers from her bag.

“Dinner? Really?” Namjoon was surprised. “Wait is this homemade?” Namjoon noticed the tupperware.

“Yes it is!” Maya answered excitedly.

“Wait, how? I thought you couldn’t cook…” Namjoon asked.

“Yeah, but I am learning from Han Bi. Let’s be honest, I can’t keep eating convenience food for the rest of my life.” Maya laughed. “Anyways, Han Bi helped me make Samgyeopsal, and kimchi stew, and for dessert we made rice cakes.”

“Wow, really? Did you really make all of this just for me?” Namjoon asked. He was too surprised.

“Well, it’s not just for you. I am eating with you.” Maya laughed.

“Yeah but still…This is too much.” Namjoon complained.

“I mean, this was supposed to my planned date right? So, let me have this. In fact, this could be my ‘our thing’!” Maya suggested, as she moved a small table in the corner,  in front of the couch in the studio and set up the food.

“What do you mean, you are going to bring homemade food everytime you come here?” Namjoon was getting worried. He really didn’t want Maya to feel like she had to bring him things every time.

“Well, maybe not homemade food, but just some treat of some sort.” Maya shrugged and sat down on the couch. “Please let this be our thing” Maya pouted.

As expected, Namjoon couldn’t resist. “Okay, fine”

“C’mon sit down, let’s eat! I am hungry!” Maya encouraged Namjoon to sit down on the couch next to her.

Namjoon sat down next to her and they both started eating. “So, do you like the food?” Maya asked half way through.

“It’s surprisingly good.” Namjoon gave a nod.

“Why is it surprising? Did you think it would be terrible since I helped make it?” Maya raised her eyebrow.

“No, I thought you didn’t want to cook because you weren’t good at it, but now I think you would be pretty good if you learned it” Namjoon replied.

“Yeah, I think I am mostly used to living alone and I never really felt like cooking just for myself,  so I never learned it.” Maya answered.

The conversations continued with the dinner. When it came to the dessert, Maya tried to convince Namjoon to eat the last rice cake, but Namjoon pretended like he was going to eat the cake and at the last second stuffed it in Maya’s mouth. Maya looked so cute with the rice cake stuffed in her mouth that Namjoon couldn’t stop laughing. In return, Maya jokingly kept hitting his shoulder. “You are so mean!” Maya tried saying with her mouth still full, which made Namjoon laugh even harder.

After dinner they cleaned up everything and Maya put the small table back into the corner. Both were happy and satisfied.

Then Namjoon dragged Maya towards his office chair where he would sit for hours and make his music.

“Sit here” he said.

“Are you sure? Isn’t this like your main chair?” Maya asked. She was surprised by Namjoon’s suggestion.

“Of course. Sit here. I want to show you something.” Namjoon insisted.

Maya followed Namjoon’s direction and sat in his chair, while he leaned over her shoulder to find what he wanted to show Maya on the computer. He clicked on a password protected file and then quickly entered the password to access the document he was looking for. It was a music file.

Before playing the file, he turned on the speakers with a remote that was sitting next to the computer keyboard. Then he finally clicked on the file.

Music started playing. At first Maya didn’t understand what song it was until she heard Jungkook’s voice. Maya slowly turned her chair to face Namjoon. She wasn’t completely sure if her hypothesis was correct. But from the lyrics she was starting to feel like her assumption was true.

She looked up at Namjoon. “Is this the song that…” Maya didn’t need to complete her sentence because Namjoon nodded before she did.

“It’s our song.” Namjoon confirmed Maya’s hypothesis. “Just listen to it.” He added.

Maya’s eyes stayed glued to Namjoon’s while she silently listened to the lyrics of the song. Her heart was so full with warmth that she was unsure how long she would be able to hear such sweet words before her heart failed completely. Jungkook’s sweet melodious voice filled the room, which fit the lyrics of the song so perfectly. Maya knew what the lyrics of the song meant. These lyrics were Namjoon’s way of asking Maya to give him a chance. His way of saying he believed in whatever strange fate that had brought them together. His way of saying just how much she meant to him.

She suddenly got up and wrapped her arms around Namjoon’s waist again. He returned the hug by wrapping his arms around her shoulder and they both stayed like that until the song ended.

Maya let go of Namjoon and stepped back after the song was finished so she could look at Namjoon again.

“Namjoon this is beautiful.” Maya said. She wanted to say more, but there were just no words. However, Namjoon was able to hear the unspoken words. He could feel what Maya was trying to convey.

“You think so?” Namjoon replied as he stepped closer caressing Maya’s cheek. He was careful not to look into her eyes. He focused his attention on her face and lips. Maya could feel the blood rush up to her cheeks. She couldn’t breathe due to Namjoon’s closeness.

“I wrote it while thinking of you. I really like you, Maya.” Namjoon stated the obvious, but hearing those words made Maya’s heart skip a few beats. Especially since he was gently cupping Maya’s face into his large hands. Maya was careful not to look into his eyes, even though she was dying to.

“I really like you too” was all Maya could mumble as she put her hand over Namjoon’s hand that was still cupping her face.

“Close your eyes” Namjoon suddenly demanded. Maya became confused, but she followed his direction.

Namjoon finally let out a small sigh of relief, as he was now able to look at Maya without worrying that they might accidentally make eye contact while touching, which would trigger a vision. He was relieved because now he could look at her carefully and memorize every curve and freckle on her face without worrying he would get distracted by her beautiful eyes. He was relieved because after all this time, Namjoon could do what he had been dying to do.

Namjoon leaned his face closer to Maya’s bringing his lips closer to her right cheek, while he still had his hand under Maya’s chin, leaving a small peck and he whispered “this is for last time.” Maya let out a small sound of shock, as she had not expected him to do that. But Namjoon wasn’t done yet. He leaned in towards her left cheek, and left a small peck there, and whispered “this is for earlier when I saw you at the door”. Maya inhaled sharply. Her stomach was in knots. Of course, Namjoon was still not done yet. He leaned in once again, this time aiming for her lips. His target was clear.  Next thing Maya knew, Namjoon’s lips crashed against hers. The sweet taste of his lips took over whatever sanity Maya had left inside of her.  The euphoria that Namjoon had described in the song was now being felt ten times more by both of them. They both felt fireworks going off inside their hearts as their soft lips moved so delicately against each others.  Maya slowly put her arms around his neck and stood on her toes while Namjoon moved his hand away from her face and put his arms around her waist.

They could feel their heart beats synchronize and their brain waves molding into one, even though their eyes were closed. They could feel their union being celebrated somewhere in the heavenly skies by some deities and angels, as this had to be a divine intervention that had led them to this moment. Their kiss was gentle like rose petals and feathers landing on the ground, but their kiss was also strong like waves of an ocean taking away any small  fear and doubts they had about each other. This kiss was the beginning. A turning point for their journey and they both knew they would never be able to turn back.

Namjoon slowly let go of Maya’s lips and whispered “this is for everyday from now on.”

[glitterysummerkitty]

Dr Bombshell & Mr Hollywood

A Jake Gyllenhaal Fan- fiction

Prologue// Chpt 1// Chpt 2// Chpt 3// Chpt 4// Chpt 5// Chpt 6

Chapter 7

        Sunday evening was by far the most phenomenal day Candice had, in terms of fun, in a very long time. As soon as the game began Candice fell completely in her zone and she had even managed to impress the hell out of everyone present. At the end of the day Dave had been a proud captain and both Jaylon and Ronnell were all praises with Ronnell even trying to bribe her into abandoning Dave and joining him for the following matches.

      Even Mabel was surprised and after the glorious victory of the Omega- 3’s, the first question Mabel had asked her was ‘Where the hell have you been? Jheez Candy! I didn’t even know you were so good at this sport.’ Candice blushed but didn’t think it important to remind her best friend that she had been the captain of her team college team and they had won several trophies. She even won several awards, which were now displayed proudly in a pristine glass shelf at Washington State University.

      At the end of the friendly match Pizza’s and beers were ordered and jokes and stories about their spouses and children were shared. Candice kept mum and tried to stay out of anyone’s focus but more often it had been futile since she was the star player of today and so everyone’s attention was on her. Especially Uma. Candice had never thought at the beginning of the evening that she would ever be comfortable with Uma but surprisingly at the end she found out how hilarious Uma really was. Basically Uma was Gemma multiplied hundred times. Candice believed she could handle Uma and her eccentric behaviour.

      After such a beautiful Sunday came Monday bringing along with it, its infamous blues. Candice groaned as she reached out and shut the alarm. She tilted her head and looked outside the window. It was still dark out there and although it wasn’t snowing anymore it was drizzling. Candice saw the little droplets of water glistening under the streetlight against the glass surface. Candice sighed. Strange fact check about Candice- she hates rain. Yes, she loves snow but hates rain. Why? Don’t ask because even she didn’t have a reason for it.

      With the comforts of her warm sheets and Mr Ruskin’s hot body pressed against her sides, Candice didn’t feel like getting up. But work was work and so she closed her eyes counted from five to one backwards and then hopped out of her bed.

      She barely got time to breathe on Mondays as she had three classes to teach and the clinic is almost always full on Mondays, filling up her schedule for early evening to late night. The first class was with master’s student and their class had been on a topic which was more challenging and close to her heart- Maternal Nutrition and it’s consequences. They had discussed and critically analysed some of the studies out there and compared the methods and their varied results. It was fun.

      But then her next class was with first year Grads and that wasn’t something she enjoyed especially considering she would have to face Zachary. After that day, when she had kicked him out her class, she hadn’t seen him and it made her slightly nervous. Also, after just having such a challenging class, to have to talk about the process of digestion wasn’t something appealed to her.

      Mentally preparing herself, Candice pushes open the door to the large hall and entered it. As she did, the rambunctious class fell to a low hush. As usual, on the very first row at the very centre the seat was occupied by one of her least favourite students Brianna. Candice had observed how the slightly obese girl with a bad case of acne and a harsh expression, never mingled with her other classmates. She always sat by herself and had minimal to no contact with her mates. Candice had also made an observation as to how Brianna seemed to have a problem with her although she would never understand why.

“Good morning class. I hope you all had a great weekend.”, she started as she scanned the class and found it devoid of Zach. She didn’t know if she should be relieved by it or not.

“We sure did!”, someone said but Candice couldn’t point out.

“How was yours Dr Averell?”, a slim, blonde seated two rows up from the front row asked in her sweet voice as she twirled a piece of hair in her finger.

“Better. Thank you Cameron.”, Candice smiled back.

“So... Today I am going to talk about the whole process of digestion, absorption and Metabolism.”, there were some groans, some exited rustling of pages showing eagerness to write down notes while some just sat straight with their nose buried in their phone screen.

“Digestion is the first crucial stage where food is broken down to smaller chemical constitutes for absorption. There are two ways this is achieved- Mechanically and chemically.”, Candice moved to the next slide on her presentation, when the door to the hall opened and in strode Zach. Instantly every girl’s, except Brianna, attention was consumed by him and Candice felt compelled to roll her eyes but she didn’t.

“Sorry I am late, Dr A. I was eating breakfast and went in deep thought about all the things I could do during the time I waste during your class and lost track of time.”, he smirked as she took to his usual seat. Immediately the class broke out into an “Ooooohh” and “Burn”. Candice gave the entire class a sharp look before finally settling her glare at the infuriating boy.

“Really?”, Candice feigned surprise, “Well from observing Mr Meyer’s performance in class for an entire year one would assume that he’s incapable of deep contemplation but I am glad to know you can.”, with that Candice turned her attention to her PowerPoint. She ignored the snickers and Zac’s stabbing glare as she went on about peristalsis.

      Candice decided to grab lunch from the ‘Four Hundred Guild’- a restaurant within the campus that served exclusively to the faculty and staff of Pruitt and Hearst University- before going to her next class. She shot Mabel a text, letting her know where she was and then decided to call Bethany to check up on her aunt. Apparently Aunty Aubrey wasn’t doing so well. Her latest cycle of chemo had left her very weak. It had Candice worried but Bethany assured her that she and a few women from the church were doing everything to help her through this. Candice end the conversation with a promise to send some more money by the weekend and also a request to fill her hospital room with some Calla Lily. “She loves them.”, Candice said.

      Over a lip smacking lemon thyme chicken, Candice narrated the whole incident over Zach to Mabel, who was flabbergasted by Zac’s audacity and also found it hard to believe that Candice had stood up against him.

“While I am very proud of you for what you have done, I am also worried. What if he decides to take action on his threat? In my opinion you shouldn’t continue to antagonise him. It’s a question of your career.”, she advised as she shoved a brussel sprout in her mouth.

“I know. It’s just he’s so infuriating.”, Candice grumbled.

        At half past three Candice left from the university. Once again she made a stop at Starbuck on her way to clinic and faced the same server as the last time. She placed her order without making much eye- contact and then sat down at the table. This time Candice had time enough to have her drink at the café.

      As she waited for her Tarragon Chicken Salad Sandwich and a tall cup of Americano she got her laptop out to check her e- mail. There lay a tiny dose of happiness waiting for her and Candice grabbed it.

  From: reader1980@fmail.com

To: lbrooks.lkb@cjg.com

Date: 19 Feb 2018, 10:00 am

 Dear Lynne,

    I have finally got time today and I am determined to spend the day reading and hopefully get to the end of your book. As I am typing this mail, on my desk lies your book, a tall mug of coffee and a lot of snacks. Believe me when I say that I am on a mission to finish this book today.

      You can expect to hear from me by tonight on my opinions on what I thought about the book. Until then I am signing out! Xoxo

                                                  Regards,

                                              An Avid Reader

        Candice grinned. She loved the reader’s enthusiasm and could only hope she felt as enthusiastic once she finishes reading the book. Candice wasn’t one to care much about what other’s opinion. She wrote ‘Love Knows no Bounds’ because it was something she believed and something that she wanted to write about. It didn’t matter if others didn’t buy what she had to sell. But for some unknown reason ‘An Avid Reader’s’ opinion mattered to her very much. She giggled silently to herself at the (xoxo) part making her wonder who the reader could be. Was it a man or a woman? Was he/ she old or young? Which part of US was this person writing from?

 From: lbrooks.lkb@cjg.com

To: reader1980@fmail.com

Date: 19 Feb 2018, 3:45 pm

 An Avid Reader,

  Your enthusiasm towards my work is encouraging. For any artist, I believe, appreciation of their work means above all and they while they can do without it, when a reader like you shows so much eagerness it really gives much pleasure. I hope you continue to show similar gusto until the end and after that too.

      I will be waiting to hear from you as well. Until then happy reading!

                                                Regards,

                                            Lynne Brooks

                                              (Author of-

                                         “Love Knows no Bound”)

        As she ate she went through some more fan sent e- mails and replied to few. She reached clinic on time and Ashley greeted her with a great news that owing to the bad weather, Mrs Laine had cancelled her appointment and so had two other patients.

“Dr Averell. Do you think I could leave early today? Actually it’s my boyfriend and I seven month anniversary.”, Ashley asked. In the three months that Ashley had been working here this was the first time she had asked for anything so Candice didn’t have the heart to say no.

“Sure. Oh and I probably think it’s a good idea because on Wednesday I need you here late. I want all the patient files organised and prepared for the next month’s audit.”, Candice informed. The red head looked happy.

      Candice saw the few patients who had braved the weather while using her free time to update her patient’s information into the software. The said task was mundane and taxing to Candice but something that she had to be done. When only one file was left on the table she opened it and the name sent both, shivers down her spine and anger through her veins. Candice marvelled at being able to experience two varied emotions belonging to different spectrum, simultaneously, at the sight of the same name.

      There is a knock on the door and Candice looked up, expecting to see Ancil walk in but it was Ashley.

“Dr Averell your seven o’ clock is here. I just wanted to ask if it’s alright if I leave?”, Ashley fidgeted with her fingers. Candice thought, amused, if she came off intimidating to Ashley.

“Of course you can leave. Thank you Ashley.”, she smiled. Ashely smiled back nervously before scrambling out the room. Candice wondered what she ever did to intimidate the poor girl.

“Good evening Dr Averell.”, that familiar baritone voice filled her room making her tremble in her seat.

“Good evening Mr Dumont. Please have a seat.”, she mumbled as she motioned for him to take a seat. It didn’t matter if Ashley found her intimidating or not but Ancil managed just fine to drain every ounce of courage she possessed.

“You look gorgeous. As always.”, he lowered his voice and by the time he said always it was merely a whisper. Candice squirmed in her seat as she felt her muscles in her stomach and everything south of it clench.

“Thank you... How are you today?”, she said a little out of breath and blushed deeply. She kept her gaze fixed on the file before her.

“Better than I have been in days.”, he replied.

“Good. How much of the plan have you been able to follow?”, she asked as she made notes on her file.

“Hhhmm...”, Ancil trailed off forcing her to look up when he didn’t say anything for a while. Candice watched mesmerized as he tapped his lean finger against his lips. His face looked like he was genuinely trying to recollect. Candice wanted those lips wrapped around her own, she wanted to run her tongue over it, she wanted to...

      Candice flushed as she found him smirking at her, apparently having caught her staring at his lips. While she knew her body had its natural cravings, she chastised herself for fantasizing about her patient right in front of him. Embarrassed she turned her attention back to the file and for the rest of the session didn’t look up until necessary.

[uncle-ak]

Freeze, Freezing, Frozen… What is Frozen?

It’s cold outside… not talking about the Christmas song! Yeah, Christmas is long gone but it’s still winter season. On some days it may be freezing cold outside and sometimes even inside too; inside as in within ourselves. This could translate as being stuck in a comfort zone or having difficulty letting go of something that no longer helps us grow or is in the way of us growing. Which is better; flowing water or stagnant water? Think for a moment about what happens to stagnant water.

How is the year unfolding thus far for you on an individual level? Given what happened at the US Capitol barely a week into the year can make us feel doubtful about what’s to come. Not to talk of stories of the new Covid-19 variant (guess we can call it Version 2.0) now in the US. I’ll like to stay hopeful and not feel frozen stuck in 2020 or feel that 2020 is creeping into 2021. It may or may not; it is all about perspective/mindset. 

Have you watched the movie Frozen or do you consider it a kids-only movie? Well, its target audience is children but I think it has a message that adults could use. Back in November 2015, I took my youngest brother and cousins to go watch a live show of the movie Frozen. Prior to that, I don't recall hearing about the movie. I do love musicals even though I’m not much of a TV person and I love live shows/plays as well. As much as my youngest brother and cousins were excited about the movie, I was more curious about how the movie was going to be brought to life.

A little background story about my state of mind during that point in time. I had just graduated from graduate school in May of that year and had been studying to take the board exam. I was freshly out of a relationship; barely a week or so. I had postponed my board exam because my emotions were all over the place; sometimes feeling mentally frozen from the breakup, so focusing on studying wasn’t happening. More on the background story here…

Seated in the basketball arena where the movie unfolded, my youngest brother and cousins were all giddy while I unconsciously zoned out into processing the end of the relationship (more detail on this in my upcoming book). Then came the applause in the arena as the movie/play started, drawing my attention back to the present moment. Some of that moment has stayed with me since then to the point that I find myself replaying them in my head surprisingly during the colder months of the year especially when it snows and or freezes outside.

At the beginning of the movie, Elsa is playing with her sister Anna forming ice/snow patches, and mistakenly injures her sister, their parents take Anna to see Grandfather Troll so Anna can be healed. He said, You are lucky it is not the heart...; the heart is not easily changed but the mind can be persuaded… fear will be your enemy. At that moment, I thought to myself, why does it take so long for the heart to accept what the mind/brain has already accepted? I sometimes still ask myself that question not necessarily in relationship-related situations but when life’s journey takes a different turn be it work-related, friendship, or otherwise. Do you ever wonder the same?

During Elsa’s coronation party, her sister Anna asked for her blessing to get married. Elsa’s reply was “You can’t marry a man you just met.” That made me chuckle given my state of mind then… January to October (which is how long I had been in that ‘relationship’) didn’t sound like “just met” but what quantifies “just met” anyway? Then Elsa walked away while Anna followed her trying to get her attention, Anna reached for Elsa’s hand pulling off one of her gloves. In Anna’s attempt to still get Elsa’s attention, Elsa gets angry and her freezing powers go into action. In that moment, I remember wishing I had powers to give the guy a taste of the ache I was feeling but I realized that the more I felt resentful, the achier I felt. I had always heard that forgiveness is not for the other person, it is for the self; easier said than done but admitting that was the first step in the healing journey.

At the beginning of the movie when Anna and Elsa were playing as kids, it appears that it was Anna’s head that was injured/frozen, so she was easily healed. When they got older, it appears it was Anna’s heart that got injured/frozen. Anna thought the man she had introduced to her sister that she wanted her blessing to get married to would be the one to give her a true love kiss to prevent her from freezing but she found out she was wrong about that. Instead, he wanted Elsa to be killed in order to bring back summer and save the land from ice destruction.

Olaf (Snowman) to Anna: What happened to your kiss?

Anna: I was wrong about him.

Olaf: We’ve got to find an act of true love to save you… putting someone else’s needs before yours isn’t…

 It turns out it was the love from Elsa that defrosted her iced-up sister Anna. In Olaf’s words “love will thaw a frozen heart.” I however thought that Anna would love herself out of that frozen situation but I didn’t write the movie so… The Let it go soundtrack to the movie was befitting. On one hand, we may become dependent on love (not necessarily romantic love) from others to save us or pull us out of a funk. On the other hand, it may be the little nudge we need to get rolling but we shouldn’t live life expecting it because we may be expecting ‘oranges from an avocado tree’. More on that perspective here . 

So what’s the point being made here? Why share a 2015 experience in 2021? Well, the memory crossed my mind as last year was winding down. It helped me reflect to see if I'm holding on to anything and if there are things to let go of. Another mental difficulty with this season could be the experience with Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) which is described as a feeling of sometimes profound sadness typically experienced during the Fall through Winter and early Spring months associated with the shorter daylight. It may be severe in some people presenting with symptoms similar to depression. More information on that via the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH).

Given my educational background then, I was close to self-diagnosing but given the relationship breakup, the feeling of sadness was a typical grieving process. I however monitored myself as the season unfolded to make sure it was just grieving and not SAD. Between 2017 and 2019 during the winter months, I noticed my mood changing as the season changed and it wasn’t relationship-related so, in the fall of 2019, I sought counseling. I had no resistance in seeking counseling because I did in grad school (story here) and with my professional background, I knew I needed it. I must say last year's fall and into this year’s winter, despite the pandemic, I have been in a better mental space. Not that everything has been smooth and dandy, it hasn’t been as mentally foggy and weighed down compared to the previous years. 

There are a lot of misconceptions in the African community surrounding seeking counseling/therapy. I’m not a counselor by profession; I am an Occupational Therapist, A Certified Mental Health First Aider. We as a community need to work together in decreasing these misconceptions because it could be holding us back from getting help in order to thrive and journey towards our greatest potential. Life can be challenging, there are helpful resources that we willingly have to seek. What we know or don’t know can be limiting or liberating.

Whatever is frozen or feels frozen within, let it go. It may sound easier said than done but the first step to letting go is consciously deciding to let go and then actively taking steps towards letting go. It doesn't happen overnight but taking the first step in the right direction helps. Exhale whatever is weighing you down. It doesn’t necessarily have to be romantic relationship related; it could be friendship, family-ship, work-related, or business-related... Resentment towards others, self, or situations can make us feel frozen. Trying to control outcomes that are beyond us can make us feel frozen. Letting go doesn’t dismiss what happened, it acknowledges what happened without keeping us frozen stuck in the situation that happened. 

Letting go may be seen as giving up but s/he who wears the shoes knows where it hurts. What would be the point of holding onto something that isn’t there? Let it go and believe in yourself. Believe in your ability to heal, believe in your potential. Believe in yourself so much that any external belief or love from other people is just icing on the cake. Sometimes as adults, we even take off the icing from the cake before eating it. So, see yourself as cake and anything external is the icing. Acknowledge and appreciate the icing. Just don't revel in it or dwell so much on it that it becomes an expectation. Redefine your why if needed, examine your mindset. It may require facing your fears.

What are you believing in yourself for this new year? They say 2021 is 21 now and grown-up. Let's bring on our 2021 positivity energy staying hopeful. What is yours? 

[blackgirlunedited]

hope for a story remaining unwritten: blog post #3

During 2015, I was turning fifteen and trying my best to survive high school in my rural, cornfield abundant town. The best part of my day was hearing the sound of my bedroom door lock and the click of my keyboard - from eight grade to sophomore year, I wrote every single day. This was, of course, the time period though that I discovered whatever fanfiction was and is, and figured that writing stories of other characters could somehow make my day worth smiling about. While I’m now sure it’s not as popular now, the well renowned site Wattpad.com was booming with content. Fanfiction, Horror, Romance, and many more genres were creating content rapidly, and some of these fan-made stories were later developed into stories. However, my stories were never read. There was something compelling about writing an entirely new reality but no one would see it but me; it existed, but for me. I would log chapter after chapter for a multitude of stories, except for one. I wrote simply an introduction, an explanation, and a name list for this story, but I still think about it so frequently. It’s plot has stuck with me for years, and I often feel like if I’d invested, the idea would have been well-received. Without doding on, I’ll try to explain it the best I can.

Firstly, it’s imperative I start with the characters - that’s what catches everyone’s eye in a good story, whether or not we admit it. The story revolves around Sloane Meyer, a twenty year old from Haines, Alaska who’s packing up and heading to college at Antioch University. Sloane is perceived to be mean by most, but she understands that. Her features are narrow and sleek, with sharp, angular shapes framing her face; strong jaw, upturned nose, broad and defined shoulders, etc. Sloane’s voice is raspier than most and low, too - sometimes this makes her voice sound monotonous or bitter. Her father is black as well as deceased, and her mother is Native Tlingit. I find it interesting but also reaffirming how fifteen year old me, with no thoughts of college, chose this character’s major to be philosophy, because that’s mine now. After Sloane, I feel the title for second most important is a toss up between her love interest and professor.  Evan Glasco is a 29 year old recent grad school student who’d been thrown into the position of professing almost two years ago now. He’s a wreck - bad anxiety, intense tremors, a slight stutter that was easy to conceal, and much more. He comes from wealth and a sheltered lifestyle, being saddled with the repercussions of being a mommy’s boy. His physique is lean, with pale, freckled skin and he has a soft demeanor to him. Comparing closely in importance is Sloane’s classmate and Evan’s student, Lennox Bianchi. Lennox is a returning student who flunked out years before, now approaching his 26th birthday. He’s italian and strongly involved within the history of his culture. Standing at 6’2”, (still shorter than Sloane, however) he’s toned but leaner. His features are soft - sad eyes and full lips are the prominent features that catch attention. There are many other characters within the story to support the plot, but none are as significant as those three.

In an attempt to be a good little author and make sure everything was thought out, I asked myself: “what are the characters trying to do and why is it worth telling a story about them?” The answer isn’t too far off from what I feel I’d type now. Here’s a glance at the unedited 2015 verison:

“the characters are challenged to identify one relationship they already have, or start a new one, within a month following Sternberg's theory of love and change it. this is worth following because the main character believes so strongly that people cannot change, especially when it comes to love.”

If anything, I think I could have given more context. The story is based on the life of Sloane who goes to college for philosophy and takes a sex, love, and emotions study class. In that class, the professor tasks the class with researching Sternberg’s theory and forming or ceasing relationships that identify as the subgroups of the triangle. The text is broken into 7 stories essentially, each one representing the elements of the triangle and following a platonic or romantic relationship.  Another piece of text from years prior helps give even more perspective to things:

“what could go wrong and provide plot twists? while going through with the project students could be emotionally hurt, and the job of the professor is at stake. plot twists will be given when characters finally come to terms with things they haven't accepted only to have that same thing treat them the way they had expected before.

the protagonist has a lot to lose. she's on a scholarship that she's close to losing, and she also has the last bit of her sanity left to lose. what she has to gain, in her eyes, is the satisfaction of knowing she was right. believing love is a social construct and producing a project so well made it proves that, but what the protagonist doesn't know she has to gain is a knowledge of how love has lifted and guided people throughout life - love for god, parents, friends, an object. she also has a love interest to gain but pushes that away at all costs.”

In short, I’ve begun to think that the constant memory of this story in the back of my mind means something. Sternberg’s theory of love has always fascinated me, and I feel that creating seven different unique lives and stories with differing sexualities, life backgrounds, gender identifications, and so many more qualities would be gratifying. Being able to focus on how there are so many perceptions of love itself and so many factors that contribute to our character that influence the way we feel about love is so enamoring to me, and I really believe that I might have to write a page or two here soon.