#how do i lose weight and keep it off
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"Seungmin would be SO hot if he got muscle like, can you imagine?" You would be hotter if you shut your mouth but we can't always get what we want so <3
#the amount of times ive seen this exact comment or sentiment over the past 6ish months in particular#truly pissing me off <3#like first things first- hes already handsome so if you dont see that... its fine. we all have different tastes but also be quiet <3#but like we know first hand from him that he isnt particularly interested in the gym and working out#hes not a changbin. its not his thing- he goes to keep up stamina for live shows#and the fact hes been very specific in saying so any time anyone mentions him working out and going to the gym is so like......#its kinda obvious that hes doing a polite 'please dont hassle me about getting bigger' so he makes sure to always go Its For Endurance#and yet i still see this and also. um theres other members who are muscley so why does seungmin also have to follow that route?#like if you want muscle theres people you can go look at... but also half these people cant even identify actual healthy muscle#vs. someone being so skinny that they have no fat on them and somehow think thats real muscle so like lol#its been so specifically the past half a year tho like whats that about why#its really one of those be quiet im so tired#well on the otherhand i was so stressed about my doctors appointment but now annoyance took the worries place so 🤷♀️#like its funny how X should lose weight comments are recognised for being shitty but the 'x should totally change his physique' is chill tho#like if seungmin organically of his own accord ever becomes a muscle bro bc /he/ wants that than for sure i'll be like Woo go seungmin !!#but only if he wants it. not the fans being annoying not bc of staff or beauty standards not bc of the other guys
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Tag drop: Aventurine.
#aventurine. [ mr. cavalier gambler: uptight. overcautious. inferiority complex. you've won so much but you're still so afraid of losing. ]#aventurine: ic. [ they see only the straight flush. they don't know the other hand below the table clutching your chips for dear life. ]#aventurine: inquiries. [ time to make a move my friend. say goodbye before you shuffle off. it's… best to die without regrets. ]#aventurine: countenance. [ now go. and pick the clothes that you like. then choose your desired identity and use them well. ]#aventurine: introspection. [ “sleep is the rehearsal of death”? why does life slumber? because we are not ready for the final rest. ]#aventurine: meta. [ the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason. but you've never gone in any other direction. ]#aventurine: little notes. [ you will keep winning; having never lost before. but why you? why... must it be you? ]#aventurine: wishes. [ even if the chance of winning is close to zero. well... you can't win if you don't play; right? ]#aventurine: etc. [ the chance… no matter how small: the potential is what you hang onto. that is what justifies the gamble. ]#aventurine: ipc. [ … i'll give you that and much more than that. the ipc will give you whatever you want. even what you don't want. ]#aventurine: trio. [ three cornerstones who for a measly penacony... offered their everything. you're more united than the family. ]#aventurine: astral express. [ friends: the game has commenced and you cannot choose to decline… nor do you have grounds to. ]#aventurine: fate. [ if the dice of fate are always weighted then that is our destiny. why then... do we struggle against it? ]#aventurine: past. [ our paths will cross again beneath kakava's shimmering auroras. farewell: kakavasha. ]#aventurine: luck. [ he's only drunk on the moment that makes his very life quiver. hell is only one decision away from heaven. ]#aventurine: topaz. [ i never expected the beautiful and kind-hearted director topaz to resort to distorting concepts like that. ]#aventurine: topaz. [ but since i survived i realized: wherever you go that's where i'll follow; nobody's promised tomorrow. ] immobiliter.#aventurine: jade. [ it's often used as a counterfeit for jade. but it looks like jade… can be substituted for aventurine too. ]#aventurine: veritas ratio. [ unfortunately for him; i make for a more competent conversationalist than the other dimwits around here. ]#aventurine: black swan. [ nothing remains hidden from you… does it? i will find my place in the web of your schemes; memokeeper. ]#aventurine: sunday. [ is this what the harmony represents? is it built upon constraint and coercion? ]#aventurine: acheron. [ only by casting aside reason does one truly gamble. “emanator” — I know you'll match my wager. ]#aventurine: v. youth. [ but the sun could not kill me and the quicksand sent me back to the embrace of the guild and the ipc. ]#aventurine: v. penacony. [ i seem that way because i am nervous. maybe you can help. what do you say; put our palms together a last time? ]#aventurine: v. future. [ the once falling die has at last landed on its earthly rest. quietly… peacefully: it at last landed. ]#tag drop#[ ... i wanted to add in a tag for robin. but i think that may have to come personalized. ]#[ /rubs hands together. lets see if any of these are broken. ]#aventurine: robin. [ so she sings; but does she dance? ] avaere.#[ okay i changed my mind-- there's a robin tag. ]
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bc its been bouncing around in my head i think another little tiny grievance i had with totk is that i got to the end and just felt a sense of ‘well what the hell was that all for then’
#salty talks#like. ok. look at me. do you ever think abt how link loses an arm but absolutely nothing comes of it#it was basically just an excuse to give him powers and there was nothing actually done with yknow#him losing an arm. or how the light dragon thing didnt really have any long lasting consequences#and generally like. i had to think for a moment to remember why the hell she did that#what was her purpose in the past again???? what did she accomplish actually??? oh right the fucking sword#its like. i get to the end and like nothing has changed it all resets to zero it barely even feels lile a change#woth the other races pledging loyalty like the past (gags) bc barely anything abt hyrule changed between those two times#mineru leaves. she was a lot of wasted potential. nothing CHANGED it all just reset back to the status quo#no one learned anything i feel nothing new or interesting just oh hyrule is good :) it all feels so hollow#like you go on this big adventure and then at the end you dust yourself off and go back to doing basically#exactly what you were doing before that all happened like nothing happened. thats how it felt. what was the point#yeah sure new zonai stuff but that never sinks in its not important to the main narrative so it feels like nothing#it just. felt like there was no real point to the adventure except to affirm that yeah the past was perfect keep doing that#while none of the characters actions really have any lasting weight to them and they barely feel involved#i need to stop i can feel myself wanting to keep going lol. link losing his arm but the game not at all engaging with it is frustrating#totk salt#like to me it’s an issue bc its a long game with a lot to do but when you reach the end it just rings so fucking hollow#the main story/narrative equivalent to all those fucking collection items where the prize is a useless fucking token
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Literally I don’t want to hear a single word from anyone about Nicola Coughlan’s body!! She has been clear about this !!! She doesn’t need to hear your fucking opinion about her body and appearance!!! If you say anything about her body I will melt your head with a laser beam. God!!!
#skulltalks#fat people can’t win!!! I’m so fucking tired!!!#if you gain weight you’re too fat if you lose weight you are a ‘traitor’ to the body positivity movement!!#fuck!!! fuck off!!!#stop making comments about people’s bodies!!! stop!!!#’but what if it’s positive?’#STILL THEN LIKE!!#do you know how EXHAUSTING it is!!!???#I would literally go mad if I was famous and had to hear the WHOLE WORLD’S opinions on my body#Nicola coughlan is fucking awesome and unless youre talking about how awesome she is keep her name and comments about her body OUT ya mouth
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#Tw: weight#tw: ed#been getting increasingly pissed off because I’m trying to eat healthy and in smaller portions#and for some reason my weight just keeps going up??#I’m seriously at a loss as to what to do and I’m so tired of being so big that like#it’s really REALLY hard to not just starve#I have like 60lbs to lose now so EVEN MORE because my body REFUSES to stop gaining weight#I’m so fucking tired of this#I just want to like what I see in the mirror again#honest to god I love myself and even my face but I hate seeing how I look to the world#I hate that nothing fits right and everything always hurts#I hate that I feel like I’m fighting an uphill battle and I’m doing it alone#please help if you have any tips. I’m willing to try ANYTHING.#personal#text
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household enemy to the yyh watchthrough number one is the olympics. it's taken us a week to get two episodes into the gamemaster fight
#out of three. please the third episode's what makes it okay im fighting for my life out here#it is NOT for lack of trying on my part but theres only a brief window of time when the olympics is not happening#and as it turns out the watchthrough is Not my mom's first priority (how dare she etc)#i do feel slightly bitter that we've gotten through two eps of band o brothers in the same time#we are fighting for the same timeslots yet somehow the hour long show's gotten a leg up??#you don't have time for a 23 min ep but DO for a 60 min one?? explain the math to me please#idk how to explain the vague feeling of betrayal bc it Does Not make sense Nor matter in the slightest#but cmonnnn we were doing so well. and my little bro's starting up school again soon and my dad's gotta go back to work#sometimes eventually (<- hes on medical leave) and my grandparents are coming over next week We're Losing Time Soon#ughhh if i'd known the olympics were happening (<- somehow completely oblivious to this) i'd have accounted for#my mom getting whisked away by the land of synchronized divers and shot putters and whatever the hell#happens in the summer olympics (<- only pays attention to winter olys)#bc that always happens. and *i* have to go back to school in Some Amount Of Time Im Too Scared To Check (p sure it's late aug though) and#when that happens i'll (hopefully) be stuck across town which means we won't be able to do it any time besides the weekends#and i don't wannaaaaa#i know this is the least important problem anyone's ever had like i get that i know but#it's important to me that they sit down and watch this with me. and watching it pull apart and being#the one who's easily the most invested it makes me look all desperate when i ask them for their time and they can't give it#we can only pull this off neatly in the summer and we were so close and now we're losing it right at the finish line#i don't want life to get in the way of this little bubble i've fought so hard to make y'know#and it's childish and embarrassing and whatever but i just want them to have fun with me with this thing i care about a lot#but i can't do that bc my mom needs to watch the judo matches at Every weight class#even though she's recording a lot of them? i don't understand but whatever i know it's her thing im just moping about it ig#i want it to be as perfect an experience for them as possible and it's slipping away from me#and i don't wanna leave this project unfinished when i start school y'know. sighh#i think they might feel like i only want them around when we're watching stuff. whcih is weird bc that's like#The Singular Way we family bonded literally my whole life so idk why they wouldn't get that when reversed#but either way that IS how i wanna spend time with them. i want them to understand this thing that's become a part of me#and i wanna talk With them about it. and so far it's been fun in a way it's never been before. my mom at least seems to really like it#and i want it to Keep going well bc if we lose momentum im worried they'll start finding it tedious. sighh
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the ennui today is real
#i've felt like shit all day#not like sick or anything just like a vague headache#found out my mom got 5150d and has been under suicide watch for the past 72 hours#idk how to feel about it#i'm honestly sadder about losing all my art on my phone? (my boot image got corrupted for some reason)#at least i know i feel sad about the art thing anyway. i just don't know how to feel about mom#and it's weird i keep finding out these things about my mom through my sister. whom i don't talk to. cause she sucks.#bleugh.#plus i went off one of my antidepressants cause it was making me gain weight and idk how that's affecting me#i'm just bleugh today idk#so i don't wanna do anything
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Dont appreciate how skinny and sickly they made kiryu in y8 like that wasnt cool
#Yakuza loveblog#how am i going to get any sleep at all for the rest of my life when he looks so unhealthy and thin when he had such a robust figure before#like do they expect me to keep jacking off my penis forever ? is that why they made him lose so much weight#hes literally dying of cancer they could have sent him off without seventy of my loads splattering on top of his urn
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so I did not get anything I wanted to done today, but I did manage to find ten years old pictures of myself and feel bad about my body enough to sign up for a gym class later today so there’s that
#personal#blurgleshutthefuckup#i just#like i look at my body and the way it was growing up#and first of all why was I so mean to her??? she was cute and very normal sized???#and then I’m like. how did THAT turn into THIS?#my fourteen year old self never imagined myself looking the way I do now and that’s just kind of a fucking bummer#and honestly I know blah blah internalized fat phobia I am AWARE okay#but It’s different when you’re the person who has to live in this body#and i want to try and get into shape again and lose the weight#but theres a part of me that is scared I’ll never get there so like why even try?#Bc it’s so hard to keep weight off#and idk man it’s so hard to take care of myself#and i know weight gain is natural but since starting college I know it’s a direct result of not taking care of myself#AHHHHHHHHHHH#anyway#I’m gonna go feed my cat
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me: I just feel so hopeless. I've been making all of the recommended changes to my life - cutting out alcohol, eating healthily, exercising, in therapy - and nothing is helping me feel even slightly better. In fact, if anything I feel like I'm getting worse. I don't know what to do and I need help. therapist: well you can't expect to lose 100lbs overnight :\
#i'm not even kidding this is exactly how the conversation went#like are you fucking serious#you listened to all of that and your takeaway was#'I'm not losing weight fast enough'#i'm literally in that fucking david firth unfixable thought machine video#every time I tried to be open and honest about how severe my symptoms are#she just went off about how a CBT therapist can't do anything to help with that#like ma'am trust me I did NOT ask to be referred to you#in fact I specifically requested to NOT be referred to CBT because I knew this would happen#'well you were a good fit for CBT when you referred to us'#no I was not the NHS is just desperately trying to use CBT as a paper-thin plaster over the gaping wound#of the country's worsening mental health crisis#like I'm sorry okay?#I'm sorry I can't just 'get better' on a fast and convenient timeline#believe me if I could then I fucking would#I'm not deliberately keeping myself in constant daily agony as... what some kind of bizarre 'gotcha'?#I just want to scream and cry and give up because what is even the point#brain adventures#mental health#bpd#tw suicide
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Everything is hitting me at once emotion wise and I am not vibing Scoob.
#vent#rant#personal#delete later#i am so overwhelmed with my life#taking care of the animals#trying to keep the house clean#realizing i dont have time to do anything i like#having a crisis because things i used to like such as drawing or reading arent fun anymore#and i want them to be fun#now it just feels like added work#im tired all the fucking time#theres always too much to do#on my days off im running errands for myself#or my mother#i just never have time to myself when im motivated and dont feel like going into a sleep coma#ive been gaininf weight too and im hating how i look and the fact i cant lose it
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#body talk#tw weight#complaining (tm)#gonna bitch about it all again and there'll be like numbers and such so please don't read on if that'll bother you#it kinda bothers me tbh#well. had a very stressful week and lost all my weight gain progress :/ well almost all im back at 108#if i lose four more pounds my bmi will be in the 15s#which can't be good! like i know the bmi system is wildly flawed but cmon#they brought up taking me off my adhd meds at my psych appointment but i promised i'd keep trying to gain weight#i can't go off my amphetamines i'm already fighting god every day to stay in college as it is#bout to start filling my pockets with weights before each appointment. god damn#ironic how im only having the problems of someone with an eating disorder now when my relationship with food is actually not bad#im trying i promise i am. i want to be strong and fast. if my bones stick out no one will want to hug me :(#anyways. im a sisyphus understander#delete later#edit: just had to do some rugby registration shit that required me to put down my weight and i died a little inside#what am i doing here.
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Ackk
#time to admit that other than being lazy and out of shape and trauma another reason i don't work out is bc i Do Not want to be hot#bc i was trained under a tiger mom i went through a lot of. sports as a kid. and it's kinda the only thing keeping my body still in shape#but it also gave me a lot of problems and pain and we don't talk abt that that's not the point. the point is that i have. a base there.#whenever i lose weight whenever i slim down whenever im not as flabby the muscle tone comes out the abs start to look like abs#and aside from how im scared of muscles and etc. i do not want to have that muscular twink build.#like i think back and arm muscles can look good and hot and. i have the ability to have that build. but i really. ack.#seeing how i look in a cropped sleeveless thing. i. ack. ack. ack. yes i like how it looks but only through a screen#yes objectively i look hot yes smash but the thought of that actually being my body makes me feel a bit sick to the stomach!!#i do not know whether it's my dysphoria or my inherent fear of. associations of physical violence. and it's so silly. it's just a build.#it's just having a little bit of muscle tone I don't even have much it's mostly bc ive lost so much weight. but idk i just. i feel sick.#im scared of men im scared of being underneath someone bigger than me im scared of not being able to escape when someone is on top of me#bc it's really scary. you can spar a red belt and manage to hold your ground but the moment someone is on top of you you're stuck.#I've felt the fear and genuine terror of not being able to get someone off me. and idk. it's going to take a long while to get over it#but yeah! body image issues!!! i don't like how i look when i gain weight i don't like how i look when i lose weight#i think i just need to take down every single mirror there is in the bathroom i do not want to perceive myself.#maybe the plan is just to get. so hot im more distracted from my dysphoria lmao if i can dissociate from how i look#bc im still a losercore at heart im still the little kid ppl would ask out as a joke im not supposed to look hot in the mirror#having ppl regard me as attractive is so weird bc im not used to it i never was the person ppl crushed on in middle school due to the racism#so sometimes when i see myself idk i feel like im seeing videos or pics of some other. person. who belongs somewhere else. not here. not me.#but that's enough for body image issues today lmao we get it u don't recognize yourself in the mirror but at least in the mirror u look hot
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Vent in tag
Tw guilt tripping, anorexia eating disorder, sh, more guilt
#so theres a few reasons for this relapse (mainly money lol) (im so broke its ruining my life more)#but i made one little side comment about how im sad old clothes dont fit#and the qpp tells me the thing i always tell him to never say around me#“If you want to lose weight you have the ability”#i told him off and how stuff like that is dangerous#and look what happened anorexia relapse#its not like i was already stuggling with eattibg enough /s#arfid has been killing me#and now im obsesing over unachievable goals and hating my body#a part of me wants to keep going deeper into this relapse to truly show him why he shouldnt fucking say things like that#or maybe ill just sh relapse lol#next time he sees me with scars#fucking hell#i hate being a bitch#but idk how to get it into his skull My body and brain struggle is healthy weight loss#granted ive considered sh relapsing to let everyone in my life know im not ok and maybe ill get some pity and love finally#(note some people actually do love me and have actively made steps to tell me and care for me)
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oof. going to the gym today was the opposite of helpful for my pain levels. gah
#seasons! are! changing!#and i've! been stressed! as hell! from work!#my neck is wound so fucking tight#that i can feel it in my *eyes*#at least my friend already knew the moves we learned in bjj today so she was able to be very gentle with her attacks#we learned a shoulder attack that if you rven *let go* wrong you could do serious damage#at one point the instructor was talking her through another move and i had to keep tapping out before he could show her how to do anything#just the position alone was miserable#i have a lot of fun at bjj but my body can't fucking keep up#part of me wonders if it's an issue of not going often *enough*. like maybe if i suffer though breaking the ceiling ive hit it'll get easier#but i don't know if i can break through without burning out on the way. and without getting *significantly* stronger just once a week is too#much for me. and i can feel the difference if i skip a week. my body needs So much conditioning to maintain any level of strength#it's like trying to fill a balloon you can't tie off. as soon as the high pressure airflow stops the balloon deflates#i've always been like that. and it's stark enough that i wonder if it's a symptom of some underlying issue#but i'm going to give bjj another month or two (and ideally some time with a schedule that means i can go to the wednesday class too)#but i need to seriously consider how sustainable this is. bc as much as i enjoy it i dread it in equal measure#and i've felt like garbage all day because i had to push myself so hard. i was worn out just from the 10min walk to get there and#stretching to get warmed up. i was maybe two minutes from mustering the courage to go back home when my friend finally showed up#i'm trying very hard to set aside the feelings of failure and shame at the thought of quitting bjj.#bc i'm fat Of Course i should be trying to exercise and lose weight! i need to be constantly repenting for the sin of my body!!!!#im not at all doing bjj to lose weight or anything like that. but the *impression* of what it would mean to an outside viewpoint still hurts#and in the end the thing i've gotten out of bjj was my new group of friends (been nearly 6mo already!!)#and they mean far more to me than anything i could gain from bjj as a sport#personal
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DUDE
(13 pages) Forlorn
#trigun#trigun stampede#millions knives#on an episode of “how much can i woobify knives :D”#his character is interesting to explore. so much loneliness mixed with strong emotions repressed behind a cold facade#i wondered how he would react to the realization that he misses vash#if he brings his plans to fruition then they'll be reunited -- that's what he tells himself#maybe to keep the loneliness at bay but sometimes it catches up to him#i thought maybe this cold and perfect facade knives parades would shatter and the “ugly” emotions hidden behind would spill out#which would be smth out of his control. and knives hates it. or deep down is terrified of it#smth smth knives seeing vash in his reflection on a stolen red plant#and oh#oh he's PISSED#he let a part of himself break. he showed weakness. and over what? over vash?? but hes doing everything for HIM#he thinks -- so it's vash's fault he's losing his composure right?#it's vash's fault he's distracted from what could reunite them. his fault knives is doing all of this. feeling all of this#using vash as a scape goat for his own emotional turmoil#and that piano be damned. it's a monolith of his loneliness#if only it could all disappear-- the piano-- the cold-- the memories-- the weight on his heart-- the FEAR#there's smth about his rage being rooted in fear that intrigues me#fear of remaining alone-- fear of the hurricane of his own emotions-- fear of time passing and loss of control#then his hood falls off and he's left vulnerable and exposed#also i like the idea of knives looking pretty when he's composed but when he shows strong emotions he turns ugly and wrinkly#comic#i forgot it was in my drafts lol also not kv btw ^^#Thank you for reading! :3#addition
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