#how can someone with the ability to reach out and offer help so profoundly be a monster?

[miniaturesblog]

I really need my Kevin stans to sound off because why is a very important character to the plot being labeled as a fun little 3rd wheel. That boy LIVED and SURVIVED riko bitch face, rebuilt himself from scratch, and was in constant state on PTSD while doing so. So no, I don’t appreciate it when he’s portrayed as this whiny, arrogant boy when he’s an ambitious, brave man. Is he perfect? No the fuck not, none of the foxes are, but he deserves so much more.

I quite literally never do hot takes and will be deleting this in 24 hours.

[forwantofamohawk]

Selfishness, Selflessness and Reciprocity

Or: An essay on why I think that Coderra has more potential as a relationship than people give it credit for.

As a foreword, I would like to say that this applies equally to romantic and platonic Coderra. Many of the building blocks for a romance are the same as those for a lifelong friendship. All I want, at the end of the day, is for Sierra to be happy. 

Now you could alternatively call this essay “Cody’s tendencies in relationships and how that changes in Planes Trains and Hot Airmobiles” because the first item of focus here is his relationship with Gwen, and how and why it fundamentally doesn’t work. While Gwody is generally not well-liked as a relationship due to his creepy, entitled and stereotypical “nice guy” behavior, those aren’t the reasons why it doesn’t work. They’re effluences of the real core problem with his Cody’s behavior and that mentality, and I’m going to call it out right out of the gate: Cody is selfish. 

For him, it’s never about what Gwen wants or who Gwen is as a person that matters. She is an object to be attained, an ideal girlfriend that will make him cool by being with him. His first notable interaction with her is making a pass at her during the talent show- he more or less thinks he can “get” her with a bit of flirting, without putting in the legwork of actually getting to know her. Compare this with Trent’s first major interaction with Gwen in The Big Sleep as a counterpoint. Watching this scene, what strikes me the most about how Trent conducts himself here is that there is no flirtatious undertones to his approach, no overt, eye-wagging, shit-eating-grin “hey babe, you’re so cool and I’m totally into that”. No, he just talks to her. Talks to her about whatever she wants to talk about, lets the conversation naturally go where it goes, and it gets her to open up, if only just a little. Cody, on the other hand, never does this with Gwen, he never understands this, and every interaction he has with her until Up the Creek, and then resuming in World Tour, is about trying to obtain her as an item.

In World Tour, his selfishness and desire to have Gwen reach new levels and really show how little he actually cares about her as a person. During the episode in Australia, Gwen acts hurt because Duncan is acting jealous of Alejandro “hooking up” with Courtney. Cody’s first instinct is to offer her his vote, but with the implicit subtext this game alliance is a means for him to hook up with her. Gwen is not actually hurt here, she’s playing him for a vote, but he doesn’t know that, he thinks Duncan has actually hurt her. She says to him “ Can you make the pain go away?” and he nods and tells her he’s there for her and that he’ll make everything better.

This is Cody at his absolute lowest. Here he is seeing someone he thinks is heartbroken and vulnerable and all his first reaction is to manipulate it to get into a relationship with her. 

Now this may all sound very anti-Cody, and I certainly don’t apologize for or condone this behavior. But I also now move on to my next point, which is that it is a learned behavior which makes sense in the context of his upbringing, and that he has the capacity to change this behavior.

A bad childhood does not excuse bad behaviors as an adult, or even a young adult like Cody, but it does provide a level of understanding how and why he does the things he does. There is a substantial body of canonical evidence that Cody is a neglected child, manifested most famously and notably in the show by the revelation that his parents (nor anyone else for that matter) never once remembered his birthday in Awwwww Drumheller. Interestingly it seems the Dramarama spinoff has taken this idea up as well, with Cody having said “It feels like a mother’s warmth, or least, so I’ve been told” which in context seems meant to indicate that Cody is unfamiliar with motherly affection. But what he lacks in parental attention is made up for in material wealth- his TDI bio speaks of a plethora of the latest tech and gadgets paid for on his parents dime. This is where the root of his selfishness in dealing with Gwen comes from- having never received love in his life, only things, he can only conceive of a relationship as a thing to be had, not love to be shared between people. Because the latter concept is utterly alien to him. But it’s alien to him because this mentality is learned, taught by years of neglect and being spoiled. And what can be learned, can be unlearned.  

Enter Planes, Trains and Hot Air Mobiles. It is all good and well to argue that Cody is the way he is because he is a victim of parental apathy and absence, but unless this amounts to meaningful change in his behavior, it is meaningless. Here we see that Cody in fact has the capacity to change and to be better than he was, and it’s in his relationship with Sierra that we first see this.

The Total Drama Jumbo jet has been demolished to smithereens, and at the epicenter of the destruction was Sierra. The episode begins with her eliminated, incapable of walking, buried under rubble and with most of those still present utterly uninterested in her plight. Cody, Alejandro and Heather are tasked with racing to Hawaii by whatever means they can find, but Sierra is left with no provisions for her return home. Let’s be clear here- Cody is supposed to get to Hawaii, not Sierra. 

At this point in the game he’s only barely started warming up to her the last episode, and otherwise has rebutted her at every turn since the game began. She cannot move on her own, no matter what means he uses to travel she’s dead weight. With his chosen method of travel, the balloon, Cody can get farther and go faster if he goes alone. He has every logical reason in the world to be selfish here, from a competition standpoint. 

And yet he doesn’t. He takes her with him, an act that I would argue is his first truly selfless act in any of his canon relationships with anyone. He gains nothing by bringing her along, or at least, nothing that is immediately apparent when they set off. He risks his victory in the competition to ensure she has someone to take care of and look after her. He prioritizes her needs and the urgency of her situation over his wants, and even his personal feelings for her at this moment- despite everything she has done to him that has made him feel violated and uncomfortable, by taking her with him he has forgiven her, and without words said that her life and wellbeing are worth more to him than his own feelings about their past. This does not absolve Sierra of responsibility for these acts, but Cody’s forgiveness is an important step in giving her the opportunity to atone for them. It is a profoundly mature moment for Cody, the most mature he has ever been in the entire series since Up the Creek. 

Later on in the episode, something incredible happens. Something called reciprocity- an exchange of mutual benefit to all parties involved. And it’s when their hot air balloon has crashed and they are stranded in the middle of nowhere somewhere in North America, with no apparent means to continue the race. Along with a box of fireworks, Sierra motivates Cody with a rousing speech, and importantly tells him that “You want a number one fan? That comes with responsibilities!”

This is a first for Sierra, in that she is demanding something out of Cody’s side of the relationship. For all the time she has been on the show with him, she has taken care of him with no regard for getting anything out of it in return. She has saved his life at risk to herself numerous times, and while she exacted a toll in physical affection she had never previously called upon Cody to do anything for her, personally. Here that changes.

She demands that he continue the race not for his sake, but for hers, and for all the fans she represents. This transforms the act of continuing the race from a selfish one for Cody, into a selfless one, as he is no longer doing it out of self-interest, but to fulfill his obligation to his relationship with Sierra. And for the second time in the episode, Cody shows the ability to be selfless and consider the needs and wants of others. He is not a fundamentally self-centered person at heart, and his bad habits can be unlearned in the right circumstance with the right people. 

It is this relationship that carries a feeble weakling and a crippled girl to the finale against all odds. It brings out the best in both of them and takes two people who on their own would have zero chance for success, and allows them to lift each other up and help each other move forward. This is the potential of Coderra, as a romance or a lifelong friendship. It’s only two, maybe three episodes where we see a glimpse of it, but I think that together they can be a little less broken and start to defeat their worst demons. 

[tomakeitbeautifultolive]

Something I've been wondering about: If Jon comes back as a fire wight like Beric Dondarrion and unCat, will he be able to get it up? Blood won't really be flowing in his body anymore, so would his dick be powered by fire magic or something like that?

I, too, have spent a great deal of time pondering Jon Snow’s dick, Anon. 😏 Jokes aside, I will admit right off the bat that most of what I have to offer is total speculation, but over-thinking the most minor details of ASOIAF happens to be my favorite pastime, so let’s go!

Like pretty much everyone who read the quote, I was totally thrown off by the “fire wight” revelation. Here’s the quote for reference:

“..poor Beric Dondarrion, who was set up as the foreshadowing of all this, every time he’s a little less Beric. His memories are fading, he’s got all these scars, he’s becoming more and more physically hideous, because he’s not a living human being anymore. His heart isn’t beating, his blood isn’t flowing in his veins, he’s a wight, but a wight animated by fire instead of by ice.”

So, an important distinction to make here is that this quote is about Beric Dondarrion specifically, not Jon Snow.

The condition of Jon Snow’s corpse might matter

George can be very clever with how he words things. Note that he goes into Beric’s deaths, describing multiple resurrections and how he’s falling apart before stating that his heart is no longer beating. It could be that a fresh “fire wight” might still possess bodily functions—at least at first. Catelyn, too, was a very sorry looking corpse by the time she was reanimated, therefore not a great comparison, either. Especially since it’s Beric rather than Thoros who, with very little life force to lend, resurrects her.

If nothing else, Jon will be “fresh”, and his location at the Wall means the low temperatures will help preserve his body even if the resurrection takes some time. 

And speaking of the Wall… there happens to be a special lady there who could help Jon, and whose powers happen to be amplified by the magic of the Wall...

Melisandre is profoundly more powerful than Thoros of Myr

Thoros may be a red priest, but otherwise he seems to be a pretty normal human man. We get a clue about when he converted from Jaime:

“Jaime had once heard Thoros tell the king that he became a red priest because the robes hid the winestains so well.”

Relatively recently, one might guess, as most children aren’t yet drunks. Further, he was never very dedicated to his faith, even questioning it at times.

Melisandre, on the other hand...

“Melisandre had practiced her art for years beyond count, and she had paid the price. There was no one, even in her order, who had her skill at seeing the secrets half-revealed and half-concealed within the sacred flames.”

While we don’t know much about her, this confirms that she spent countless years studying her craft, and no one in her order can match her skill. And no one believes in their faith more than Melisandre. Like in the television series, it’s a safe bet that she’s actually much older than the natural human lifespan, particularly if she managed to lose count of how many years she’s studied magic.

If Melisandre is the one to resurrect Jon Snow, she might not use a ‘last kiss’ method at all, or, if she does, it could be more powerful than anything Thoros is capable of.

Unlike Beric, Jon Snow is probably the prophesied prince

Speaking of Melisandre’s ability to glimpse secrets in the flames… there’s someone she sure seems to see a lot of:

“I pray for a glimpse of Azor Ahai, and R'hllor shows me only Snow.”

“Skulls. A thousand skulls, and the bastard boy again. Jon Snow.”

“The flames crackled softly, and in their crackling she heard the whispered name Jon Snow. His long face floated before her, limned in tongues of red and orange.”

I know. There is some contention about who the Prince that was Promised is. Regardless of whether you agree that it’s Jon Snow, you’ve got to admit that Melisandre is seeing him in the flames for a reason. And if he’s not the prophesied prince, then perhaps his blood has something to do with it. It’s likely that, for some reason, the combination of Targaryen and Stark blood matters. At least, Rhaegar Targaryen seemed pretty convinced...

Whatever Jon Snow’s business is in Westeros… it’s unfinished. And part of that unfinished business might just involve becoming a father.

The emphasis put on Jon fathering a child is notable

Let’s go back to Jon’s first chapter ever. It opens with Jon at Robert’s feast, the author uses Jon’s eyes to describe the setting and multiple characters. And then enters Benjen Stark. This is when we really get to know Jon. When you read this passage, really consider the author’s intent here:

"You don't know what you're asking, Jon. The Night's Watch is a sworn brotherhood. We have no families. None of us will ever father sons. Our wife is duty. Our mistress is honor."

"A bastard can have honor too," Jon said. "I am ready to swear your oath."

"You are a boy of fourteen," Benjen said. "Not a man, not yet. Until you have known a woman, you cannot understand what you would be giving up."

"I don't care about that!" Jon said hotly.

"You might, if you knew what it meant," Benjen said. "If you knew what the oath would cost you, you might be less eager to pay the price, son."

Jon felt anger rise inside him. "I'm not your son!"

Benjen Stark stood up. "More's the pity." He put a hand on Jon's shoulder. "Come back to me after you've fathered a few bastards of your own, and we'll see how you feel."

Jon trembled. "I will never father a bastard," he said carefully. "Never!" He spat it out like venom.

Suddenly he realized that the table had fallen silent, and they were all looking at him. He felt the tears begin to well behind his eyes.

This is how George R.R. Martin chooses to introduce us to Jon Snow. And gods, that always hits me right in the gut. It’s absolutely supposed to. Jon’s trembling, venomous anger is palpable. You feel the deep hurt and resentment in his words, right down to his core. Jon says he doesn’t care—but the bite in his words and the tears welling in his eyes tell us otherwise.

Jon Snow easily embraces his vow of celibacy. At first. And then comes Ygritte. And after getting his first taste of love and later flirting with the idea of becoming a lord when it’s offered to him by Stannis, Jon Snow begins to imagine what it might be like to have a wife...

“I might someday hold a son of my own blood in my arms. A son was something Jon Snow had never dared dream of, since he decided to live his life on the Wall.”

And look what happens the moment he does dare to dream of it...

“I could name him Robb. Val would want to keep her sister's son, but we could foster him at Winterfell, and Gilly's boy as well. Sam would never need to tell his lie. We'd find a place for Gilly too, and Sam could come visit her once a year or so. Mance's son and Craster's would grow up brothers, as I once did with Robb.

He wanted it, Jon knew then. He wanted it as much as he had ever wanted anything. I have always wanted it, he thought, guiltily. May the gods forgive me. It was a hunger inside him, sharp as a dragonglass blade.”

And the feeling transitions into an almost tangible hunger felt by his wolf, Ghost.

Speaking of Ghost…

Grab your tinfoil! ‘Cause Jon’s life might’ve already been ‘paid for’ ...By Daenerys

First… in case you didn’t know, Daenerys is probably a skinchanger:

“The slightest pressure with her legs, the lightest touch on the reins, and the filly responded. As she turned to ride back, a firepit loomed ahead, directly in her path. A daring she had never known filled Daenerys then, and she gave the filly her head.”

Basically, it goes like this:

As Daenerys wanders the Dothraki Sea in search of food after being whisked away by Drogon, she hears a wolf’s howl.

“Will (Ghost) howl for me when I'm dead, as Bran's wolf howled when he fell?”

Feeling lonely yet no less hungry, she eats some strange green berries. Her stomach begins to cramp.

“My flesh will feed the wolves and carrion crows, she thought sadly, and worms will burrow through my womb.”

Unfortunately, Daenerys then experiences some horrible diarrhea. Poor girl! I don’t bring it up to be crass, but because this purge bears striking resemblance to an earthly drug called Ayahuasca—a substance that, aside from emptying your bowels, is often used as a means to ‘open your third eye’ (Just as Bran does in the crypts, and he can finally reach Jon and Ghost…)

Dany falls asleep and begins experiencing trippy dreams about her brother—perhaps even achieving contact with the other side? Then...

“When she woke, gasping, her thighs were slick with blood.”

Assuming it’s nothing more than her period, Dany begins to wonder the last time she bled—hinting that it might’ve been a little while.

“The sight of so much red frightened her. Moon blood, it's only my moon blood, but she did not remember ever having such a heavy flow.”

Maybe a bit of a stretch, I know. But… this wretched and graphic scene of Dany’s loose bowels really made me wonder what in seven hells George was thinking. I was so embarrassed for Dany that I HAD to figure out why he’d do this to her.

And my best guess is that she’s using these latent skinchanging abilities to tap into this strange connection with the “blue rose” over at the Wall of Westeros and the silent wolf who finally howled for help upon his death… And so, Dany’s miscarriage may be the death that will pay for Jon’s life.

I might’ve found some more evidence to back this claim up, this is very new ‘evidence’, so bear with me:

“Fire”, in the world of ASOIAF, often translates to “life”. As is seen here in Sam’s speech following Aemon’s death (thanks, bridge4!):

“He was the blood of the dragon, but now his fire has gone out.”

Further, according to the wiki:

“When a follower of the Lord of Light dies, priests fill their mouths with fire and breathe flame into the deceased”

In the House of the Undying, Dany receives a series of chilling prophecies, one of which happens to be about fires:

“Three fires you must light, one for life, one for death and one to love”

I know, I know. Drogo’s pyre, the Khals, etc etc. But George might be playing with double meanings here��� So, if we think of fires as conceptions, this could maybe mean:

One in exchange FOR the Dragon’s lives (Life)

One in exchange FOR Jon’s resurrection (Death)

One conceived (likely with Jon) and carried to term (TO love)

Food for thought! Especially considering that, like Jon, Dany possesses the blood of Old Valyria, and these sacrifices are probably all the more powerful as a result. But even if I’m dead wrong about that prophecy, well, fire still broadly means life, which bodes well for our brooding ‘bastard’, who might just end up as a “fire wight”.

Hopefully something in this drivel has given any Jon fans reading this a little bit of faith that, despite the slight setback of death, Jon will still be able to exercise his, uh, virility when he finally meets Dany. 😅 Thanks for the ask!!

[sisterspooky1013]

You Can Tell Everybody This Is Your Song by SisterSpooky1013

5400 words, Read it here on AO3

2018

“Awe,” Tara moved the salad-laden fork away from her mouth just before taking a bite, bringing her other hand up to press the palm against her chest in an expression of tender feelings. “This is Bill and I’s song, I haven’t heard it in years.”

Scully set her water glass down and strained to hear the tinny notes of “I don’t wanna live without your love” by Chicago escaping from a speaker above their table. Tara and Bill were in town for Maggie’s memorial service and Tara had asked if they could have lunch, just the two of them, before their flight back to San Diego.

“Ah, I think I do remember dancing to this at your wedding,” Scully remarked, keeping to herself that such cheesy ballads caused her eyes to roll involuntarily to the back of her head.

Tara considered her for a moment, taking a bite and then chewing thoughtfully. “Do you and Mulder have a song?” She asked. While the exact nature of their relationship had never been clear to Tara, the fact that he always seemed to be around, or come back around, plus the fact that they were now expecting a child, made the odds of them having a song that held significance relatively high.

Scully took a deep breath and let it out slowly, scanning her memory. “I don’t think we do, technically. There are a lot of songs that make me think of him but I don’t think any are ‘our song’ in the way that most people mean that. I’ll have to ask him when I get home.”

She smiled a little at her own mention of home. She’d only recently moved back in to their unremarkable house, and the process of not only living there again but now preparing a nursery together was making her deliriously happy in a way that she didn’t think she’d ever have the chance to experience again, especially with Mulder.

They finished their meal, Scully got the check, and they parted with hugs and promises of a visit to the West Coast before Scully was too far along to safely fly.

As she drove the 30 minutes back to Farr’s Corner, she thought about whether she and Mulder had a song. How did a song come to be “our song”? Did they have to come to an agreement together on what their song would be, or could she choose her own? There were dozens of songs that made her think of him for various reasons, many of which were painful to listen to during their separation. Perhaps one of these was “their song.”

***

1995

Fade Into You- Mazzy Star

“I look to you and I see nothing

I look to you to see the truth”

She felt profoundly alone, though in a literal sense she wasn’t any more alone than she was every other weeknight. A glass of red wine sat on the coffee table, a fire crackled in the fireplace, and the lights were low as soft music lilted from her stereo. She had been trying to read, but found that she couldn’t concentrate. Mulder had gone off again without bringing her along, or telling her, and (again) had gotten into trouble. She’d gone through every feeling from worry, to fear, to anger, relief when she knew he was okay, back to anger and finally frustration. Each time she thought they’d reached some kind of understanding, when she believed he really trusted her and would keep her in the loop, he pulled a stunt like this again and left her feeling…deserted. Being close to Mulder was like being invited into a sacred space that he didn’t allow anyone else to enter. You felt honored and somehow special to included, but then suddenly he was gone and you were in this unfamiliar place alone. This place you didn’t know how you got into in the first place, and which you now had no idea how to get back out of. So here she was, immersed in a world and a reality that she never would have come to on her own, not sure how to extricate herself, or even if she wanted to.

His gentle knock on the door should have been a surprise to her, but somehow it wasn’t. Sometimes she wondered if he could feel her thinking about him, based on how often her thoughts seemed to manifest him into her living room. Then again, how often wasn’t she thinking about him? She padded to the door quietly in stocking feet and opened it for him, hiding the majority of herself shyly behind the door.

“Hi,” she said with a soft, defeated tone.

“Hey,” he returned, “can I come in?”

She pulled the door open wider and allowed him to enter, then returned to her station on the couch wordlessly. She didn’t offer him anything to drink or ask him to sit, but he sat down anyway, taking a sip from her glass with a nervous set to his shoulders. He leaned back and stared into the fire.

“I know you’re mad at me,” he said to the licking flames, “and you have every right to be. I’m sorry that I…keep doing this.”

“Keep doing what?” She asked rhetorically. Like a misbehaving child, she wanted to see if he even understood what the problem behavior was.

He turned his head to read her expression, which she tried very hard to keep neutral. There would be tears, no yelling; she had finally reached the point of defeat. They held eye contact as the song changed to something slow and sad.

I wanna hold the hand inside you. I wanna take the breath that’s true.

There had been many times they’d locked eyes like this, communicating without words. He could make her stomach do backflips with only a look sometimes, but right now she felt vacant, seeing nothing in his gaze because she simply did not have the energy to try and read him. She felt like Sisyphus, and Mulder was her boulder. She pushed and pushed, never reaching any destination. Never making any progress.

“I’m sorry,” he said again finally, and there was a hitch in his voice. What was that, she wondered? If she didn’t know any better she’d say it was remorse.

“What are you sorry for, Mulder?” She asked flatly.

He shifted so that his body was facing hers, though they were still on opposite ends of the couch. “I know how it must seem…I can…I can imagine how it must feel, when I….”

“When you ditch me,” She completed for him, wanting to be sure he didn’t euphemize it into something other than what it was.

“Yes, when I ditch you. It’s never because I don’t want you there, Scully. It’s never because I don’t want you with me or don’t need your help, because I always do.”

“Okay. Then why do you?” She asked, leaning forward to pluck her now half-empty glass from in front of him and taking a long sip.

He looked at his lap and shook his head. “I don’t know. Well, sometimes I do know. Sometimes it’s because I’m doing something really stupid and I know you’ll try to talk me out of it,” he raised his head to look at her and she bit her lip to stave off the smirk that tugged at her lips. She didn’t want to give him the satisfaction. “Other times, I think it’s just…I’ve been alone for so long, Scully, and I don’t think I know how not to be. And generally speaking, no one gives a shit about me or where I am or what I’m doing, and it’s hard to remember that someone does now.” His expression was soft and open, the firelight sparkling against his dilated pupils.

A lump was forming in her throat and she didn’t trust herself to speak. She looked at him and saw someone who was afraid, and lonely, and alone. Not the brazen rogue agent full of bravado that she was angry with.

He scooted closer to her, taking her glass and setting it on the table before he wrapped her hands up in his. His rough palms dwarfed hers, and she resented his ability to make her feel so safe simply by existing near her. “I’m trying, and I’ll keep trying. I’ll try harder. I’ll probably mess up because I’m a selfish asshole, but even when I do I want you to know that it’s never about you. I’m beyond lucky that you put up with my shit, Scully, and even when I do things that make it seem like I don’t care what you think, I need you to know that yours is the only opinion that matters to me. Okay?”

She nodded, her watery eyes trained on his mouth. She wanted to throw her arms around his neck, to burrow into the comfort of this man who took up so much space in her life, but it didn’t feel safe. Not right now.

He stood and went to the door, looking back at her one last time before he pulled it closed behind him. She wanted him to know that they were okay, so she pushed her mouth into a soft smile and she saw him sigh in relief, smiling back at her just before he left.

Fade into you, I think it’s strange you never knew.

Continue reading on AO3

Tagging @today-in-fic

[hcpefulmarshmallow]

Anonymous said:

Once i saw a video on youtube explaining a certain "anime character type", and it compared Akechi with Nagito. (I dont remember the other characters the video mentioned) what are your thoughts about it? Do you think they're similar?

You know, Anon, the dumb lizard brain that governs my every impulse wants to point at them and say: “mentally unstable twinks with great hair and a Very Heterosexual rivalry with the protagonist” and call it a day. Here’s the thing, though: my feelings about Akechi started strong and stayed that way throughout my Persona 5 experience, though the nature of those feelings has changed drastically since my first impression. (And I quote: “Who’s this Light Yagami-looking motherfucker? No, I don’t trust him. That smile is the last thing someone saw.”) And I want to talk about him. I also never don’t want to talk about Nagito. So you know what? I’m gonna. 

 Spoilers, by the way. 

    ---

 In short, I do feel they fall into a very specific character archetype. Namely: the morally ambiguous foil to the main character. Not a villain, not a hero, but rather somebody who follows their own moral code. With a dash of insanity, of course, because anime gonna anime. 

 For me, their most intriguing similarities run deeper than a trope, however, and it all starts with this inflated sense of self-importance they seem to share. I know what I said, just go with me on this one. 

 Nagito, at a glance, seems to have the very opposite of an ego. Forever putting himself down, calling himself all kinds of worthless, and willingly throwing his very life at every cause that comes his way. But herein lies the contradiction that defines him as a character. For all his espousing that the hopeless may never be hopeful, he still leaps at the chance to become worthy. He wants so badly to be more than he is, that he struggles to see a world outside his own perception. He is, of course, compassionate and empathetic; but, unlike Hajime (or even Joker), whose talent with people comes from their respective abilities to remove themselves from a situation and see it as someone else would in order to make a moral judgement, Nagito cannot fathom a world that doesn’t conform to his ideals. Hope and despair, good and back luck -- and there he sits in the eye of it all, defeated yet somehow untouchable. He can’t watch someone trip three feet away from him without assuming his luck has played some role in it. 

 Akechi is much the same way, though he owns it a little better. He sees all things as means towards his ends. He has his idea of how the world and it’s people work, and therein lie his issues with Joker. Because he plays by his own rules, which are fundamentally incompatible with Akechi’s. Much in the same way as Nagito becomes fixated on Hajime, the Ultimate, talentless, worthless, most shining beacon of hope there is; Akechi sees how Joker is consistently beaten down by life and yet strives to carve his own path, and is unable to cope with either the jealously or the admiration he feels, never mind any combination thereof. Moreover, he, too, desires to rise above and be more than he is: the hero of his own story, despite taking rather unheroic steps to get there. 

 I would, of course, be remiss not to mention the similarities in their upbringings that lead to these insecurities. Nagito lost both his parents at a young age, and from there, we’re given no indication of any long-term adult influence in his life. Quite the opposite, he seems to have been demeaned and shunned by his extended family at large. It is also implied at times that his parents were not very loving, though there is some debate around that, so take it as you will. Akechi was abandoned by his father who deemed his mother beneath him because she was a sex worker, and was left with a seething hatred for the man because of it. After his mother’s suicide, he was passed from institution to institution, likewise having no long-term positive influence in his life.

 Both were left to, essentially, raise themselves; glean their own image of the world and build their moral compass around lives that were unimaginably cruel, ruthless, and unfair. Thus, it’s likely their worst behaviours could have been avoided, had they stable home lives. Of course, this is no excuse, plenty of people grow up in unstable environments and don’t go on to harm others, however, it places them a step above senseless. In fact, they also share an incredible intellect, charm, good looks, and quite the way with words. If you’ve played both games, you know what I’m talking about. 

 Furthermore, they have this habit of standing on the outside, looking in. Nagito spends much of DR2 implying heavily that he would like to spend more time with the others as their friend, but does little to actually reach out to them. Viewing himself below them, and seeing no reason why such incredible people would want to hang out with trash like him. Akechi also keeps the Thieves at a distance. There are many times when they reach out to him, offer to help him find his way -- and he almost seems to want to. Yet it is as if he doesn’t know how. He has no idea what, besides hatred and spite, could possibly fuel him. Nor does he really know what there is for him to gain from forming genuine bonds with others, or why he should want them. But he does, that much is clear. They each crave acceptance, while accepting it as a lost cause, even as the protagonist of their respective games has their hand out to them. And this, once again, can likely be traced to their equally terrible upbringings, and lack of any real understanding of the world as it is, rather than as they see it. 

 I could absolutely go on all day down this path. And, hell, at some point, I might. But the overall theme I’m getting at here, is this delicate balance these two characters walk. Being soft and charming, and deadly and dangerous. Intelligent, yet profoundly ignorant. Eccentric and borderline reprehensible, but at the same time, deeply relatable, and extremely likeable. They aren’t psycho for the sake of it, and I’ll argue that to my grave. But moreover, what we have here is the ultimate products of the worlds they were made for. Parallels are drawn constantly between Nagito and Hajime, Akechi and Joker, in a “there but for the grace of god go I” way, and it falls the same every time. Joker forged a home among friends, and people he considered family. Even after being hurt, he found the strength to be vulnerable for someone, and that someone happened to be the right someone; and though these people, he became stronger still. Likewise, Hajime took risks, took responsibility, and became respected and loved through hard work and compassion. He faced his own fear of worthlessness, and in the end, he didn’t fold to it the way Nagito did. He built his own purpose in life, and it was as full of hope as any Ultimate’s. These are feats beyond comprehension to our antiheroes, who may well have turned out to be the heroes after all if they’d only been shown the same support and care. And that’s why I think this character type appeals to so many people, and why these characters become so beloved. I think we become invested in their stories, and we want to show them compassion. There’s a reason why Nagito and Akechi are frequently shipped around, why they exist in so many fix-it fics. At the end of the day, we know the difference between bad people, and people who do bad things. It’s that, the latter may not be beyond saving. 

 And finally, can I...? If you’ve played the third semester of Royal, they really just make Akechi Like That, huh? In the original Japanese, he was apparently supposed to just come off as tired and not particularly wanting to mend any of his relationships or mistakes since he knew his death was looming, so I’m not sure why they took one look at this complex character development and said, “Hm, let’s just make him balls to the wall, shall we?” but hey. I’ve got to give it to his VA, I had to put down my controller several times because holy shit. Just. Holy shit. Give that man all of the awards. All of them, every single one, please. 

[bbq-hawks-wings]

BBQ gripes about fanon Hawks

Not even gonna put this in the character tags aside from the spoiler one I use just for the anime-onlies on my blog. I'm salty. I just wanna vent. I want to keep the general character tags fun because it was awful when I went looking for new content and found so much Not Fun material a while back; and I don’t want to become what I hate. Basic point - my blog, my vent, and unless it’s reblogged (which you are welcome to if you like) this post dies here.

Please know this isn't a callout post or me claiming that others are being fans of Hawks "wrong" because they disagree with me. I am a huge proponent that (with very few exceptions) fiction and fandom should be free to be enjoyed, reinterpreted, or otherwise indulged in however the individual fan prefers; and if I don't like it, I let them have their space and go do my thing elsewhere and leave them alone (hence why this not going in character tags). I just have been annoyed with the rampant mangling of Hawks' canon  personality/characterization - that is, confusing common fanon interpretations of him with how he’s actually written/portrayed and then getting angry (like, actually-angry-spilling-into-publicly-dragging-real-people, not just disappointed) when he acts like canon Hawks in canon. Non-canon is open season and by and large has my blessing, it’s just frustrating when it gets dragged into discussions about the manga. 

This has been going on a long time, but I just want to get it out of my system in my personal space. All this is, is my "Overthinking Tumblr blogger Shakes Fist at Cloud" moment.

#1 Hawks is a sociopath/unempathetic.

I just... I... You can't be reading the same manga I am if you genuinely come to this conclusion about who he is in canon. A man with nothing to gain by looking like this when considering the depths of the suffering inflicted on others that he bears some amount of responsibility in...

...cannot be called unempathetic.

"But he killed Twice and Best Jeanist!"

Twofold counterargument to this one, starting with BJ - we don't actually know he's dead. There's a body, there's a disappearance, and we have no idea wtf happened, but we also don't know wtf happened. It's drastically ooc for Hawks to murder someone in cold blood. For someone who places emphasis on speed specifically "because when two sides keep fighting and won’t give up, someone eventually has to die" it makes no sense for him to not have had a plan and simply ambush a man in his own home - this goes doubly since he was in contact with the HSPC and had time to "premeditate" anyway.

And as for Twice: Hawks ran out of options. He wanted to detain Twice and keep him from escaping and helping the MLA. He was able to do so when alone, but the moment Dabi cornered him Hawks had a choice to make - probably die in the fight and let Jin go or make absolute certain he can’t and still probably end up dying because he's in bad shape and still probably won't make it out of this, regardless. I don't need to harp on this - it's been said a couple different times now by several people. Even in 266 when Dabi initially ambushes Hawks, Hawks thinks to himself that he’ll carry Jin out of the building to keep himself and Jin safe before Twice retaliated and Dabi literally forces Hawks into a corner.

Jin's loss was a blow, but the chips on the table being wagered are human lives, not feelings. Up until that point, Hawks did everything he could despite the weight of his decision. Human life is human life, and Jin’s life isn’t more important than the may more who will be saved by quashing the MLA’s revolution. Simply equating “could kill someone” with “unempathetic” is fundamentally flawed, and mistaking someone who is pushed to kill despite every attempt to avoid it as unempathetic and even sociopathic has missed the point to the extreme - the mere fact he avoided lethal force for so long alone proves he possesses empathy.

#2 Hawks is a compulsive liar.

He is a good liar, but he does not like lying. He does twist the truth, but always when forced to keep a secret. Even then, his lies are predominantly spun from truth and omitted details instead of outright fabrications. He doesn’t gaslight, and he doesn’t make up stories/details if he can help it.

When Hawks told Endeavor his dreams for the future, that was the truth. When he told him he thought he was cool at the hero billboards, that was the truth.  When he tells Tokoyami to focus on his strengths instead of merely covering his weaknesses to be a better hero, that was the truth. When Tokoyami asks Hawks for his weakness and even why he took him on as an intern in the beginning just to ignore him, he tells him the truth.  When he tells Jin he "doesn't belong in a cage" and that he considers him a good person, that was the truth. When he recognizes he’s profoundly wounded Jin for deceiving him for months, he tells Jin the truth. When confronted by Dabi and he doesn’t need to lie anymore in this fight to the death, he tells him the truth despite not actually needing to in hopes to learn the truth behind Dabi and Shigaraki.

I don't have a better segue, so I'll just mention that a lot of folks who believe this also believe the next point.

#3 Hawks is unapologetically emotionally manipulative.

The context makes a huge difference and we need to look at when and why he manipulates others as well as the fact that he does.

At the hero billboards, Hawks plays the heroes on stage as well as the crowd. He's trying to shift the mindset of, "oh yeah, just another hero ranking" to "wake up, mf's, things are changing and you better be ready to change, too!" Rocking the boat is a huge no-no in Japan. Despite being part of his “persona” there is still real social risk involved with this move but one that he deems necessary to turn heads and get gears turning. This is not just an elaborate ploy to get under Endeavor’s skin, but an effort to reach a wider audience while he has them captive.

He does use the public crowd around him and Endeavor before the Hood fight as an excuse for its appearance, but the original intent was to mentally prepare Endeavor for what was potentially (and proved to be) the fight of his life without outright telling him so he could maintain his undercover status. When he realizes he’s part of the reason for Endeavor’s permanent scar and life-threatening injuries, he feels remorse.

He lies to Jin to get information out of him, but linking back to #2, when calls Jin a good person and offers him a way out, he’s telling the truth. He does feel guilt for having to manipulate an otherwise well-meaning person and betraying them, especially given his long-running history of being used and the ongoing issues he suffers from because of it.

When he meets up again with Endeavor to drop his clues about the League’s movements, he squirms when he realizes the interns don’t know him well enough to know he’s blowing smoke because he does NOT want these kids to actually buy what he’s selling. This espionage mission is hard to navigate, and he has to tread carefully lest he setup the dominoes in the wrong places.

This is all to make the point that Hawks is more than capable of emotionally manipulating people, but it’s not in his nature or something he does to any and every person he comes across just because. We haven’t had much opportunity to see him operate outside of the HSPC’s orders which is where the bulk of the instances of his manipulation comes from - those orders requiring him to operate covertly and thus, by nature, necessitate lying, manipulation, and strategically withholding information. 

If anything, when he’s making an appeal to someone else as his own person - not as a hero on a mission- we actually see a level of vulnerability and transparency we don’t otherwise catch.

Though it’s technically canon-adjacent and not necessarily canon in and of itself, in My Hero Academia: Team Up Mission where he works with Bakugo and Midoriya he operates on a level of transparency with them we’re not used to seeing; and my theory is he took it as an opportunity to operate without ulterior motives and build report instead of bucking back against “training up the next generation of heroes” like he initially did with Tokoyami.

Which now actually segues better into the next point.

#4 Hawks never lets people get close to him.

There’s a surprising amount of evidence that Hawks wants the ability to be an open book. Back at Team Up Mission, the restaurant staff note he regularly takes people he likes to their establishment - so we’re basically told outright this is a special place to him reserved for enjoying himself and only people he likes get to share it with him - so we already know what that says about how he sees those two despite their sparse interactions. We already know he’s taken Endeavor there when Endeavor made no move to input as to where he wanted to have the lunch meeting.

Though he kept Tokoyami at arm’s length initially, we have at least three canon instances of him sharing personal interactions with him with other canon-adjacent indications he cares for and values his intern. We’ve readily established that while Endeavor may not consider himself close to Hawks, Hawks does hold Endeavor as near and dear to his heart. While his only mission regarding Twice was to get information out of him, he still made a genuine effort to help and save him because he wanted to and considered him a friend despite the circumstances.

We still don’t know very much of Hawk’s past, his personal relationships outside of work, etc.; but despite the HPSC’s extensive efforts to strip him of his identity he not only possesses a faceted, complicated personality but seems to want to share that with others readily when and in the ways he’s able. Getting into the truly squishy, vulnerable parts of him may take a while, but on a scale of closed to open, he seems to lean towards open.

#5 Hawks is hopelessly in love with Dabi and will abandon everything up to this point for him.

This isn't to throw general DabiHawks shippers under the bus. Most of them know VERY well at this point that canon has sunk that ship, and they're just having fun with it at this point - and you know what, power to you! They look great together! In another life, the character chemistry could have been incredible. There’s a lot of great DabiHawks shipping content I thoroughly enjoy despite not shipping it myself.

It just isn't canon. It never was and never came close. Even now, with the Endeavor reveal being very much imminent, Hawks' view of Dabi is one of a lying, malicious, callous, murderer. Though he’ll likely be crushed at the revelation of what Endeavor’s done, that doesn’t equate to him defecting (especially not immediately) and falling into Dabi’s arms.

And Dabi hates Hawks just as much.

Again, this is not anything against the ship or the shippers - just an annoyance I have with some who were so wrapped up in the ship they were genuinely mad when the ship sank and they dragged that frustration out into the real world against real people when canon didn’t align with fanon. 

Ships are some of the most stupid things to rail against creators and fans over, and the amount of harassment they receive now over shipping has me ripping my hair out when I know it’s a mere fraction of the total pool of shippers who are frothing at the mouth while the rest are super cool and happy doing their own thing and keeping to themselves.

Ship what you want, regardless of “validating evidence” and have fun. Don’t make it others’ problem when it isn’t canonically validated.

#6 Hawks is a dirty cop.

Only half upset with this one because it comes down to the nuance and lack of precise definition of this phrase I have a problem with. Lots of people hate cops for very real, legitimate reasons. Police forces - being a voluntary, government-employed force enforcing government rule - are notoriously prone to corruption of every kind.

It's implied the HPSC is itself corrupt, though to what extent we don't know. (Granted, buying a young child from his family to raise as your personal puppet is pretty high up there.) By continuing to follow orders from the HPSC and not vehemently fighting back, many see him as reinforcing a corrupt institution and at least partially liable for their continued hold on society. 

Fair enough, but... The issue I have with this is it reduces Hawks to his job.

I believe a huge chunk of this take comes from my experience as an armed service member spouse, but it's easy for me to empathize with a guy

Who was promised the moon for himself and his family in exchange for his service not realizing what was actually being asked of him

Is praised outside the organization for "being a hero" and "upholding this country's core values" while first-hand witnessing the corruption of it when inside

Is viewed as a cog valuable only in services rendered instead of being treated like a human by said organization and worked into the ground because of it

Is frustrated by the insistence to keep the status quo instead of improving procedure/infrastructure/environment because egos need to be padded over real, human problems being solved

Has his autonomy or otherwise ability to operate under his own judgement restricted in favor of maintaining organizational control at the cost of effective action

Has DEPENDENTS who rely on his continued work to provide for them and is thus unable to refuse an order, even when it's morally reprehensible and even outright illegal

Whose cries, both those calculated and desperate, to the organization (who have placed themselves as the sole resource he can turn to) for help (even for his own body/mind) fall on deaf ears until he breaks to the point of becoming unusable or dangerous - and even then minimal effort/responsibility is taken in favor of keeping him functioning in the organization as long as possible.

Hawks fights back against the HPSC constantly. He raised concerns over letting civilians suffer to get him in with the League of Villains and then still defied orders by reducing casualties to zero. Despite orders to keep his mission top secret, he's informed Endeavor of his motives/movements independently from the rest of the heroes. He had long refused to take an intern (read: fresh meat for the machine) to train until this year, and even then sought to minimize his encouragement of Tokoyami for as long as possible until he realized Tokoyami was made of the real mettle people needed in a hero and not just another youngster endangering himself on a pipe dream.

He even takes initiative to keep his personal to-do list from the HPSC to a minimum by squashing problems before they come knocking asking him to fix it for them. He knew of the League of Villains and anticipated the escalation of their movements immediately after the USJ incident as well as has a network of informants and connections with local police forces to stay in the know.

His methods for apprehension of criminals are, and continue to be, to react and detain them so quickly they can't retaliate or endanger others in the struggle, thus minimizing human loss and injury despite the insinuation the HPSC has told him that gloves are off in the current situation.

He might be "a cop" depending on the definition we go with, but he isn't a dirty cop. He doesn't plant evidence. He doesn't shoot first and ask questions later. He doesn't blindly take orders. He largely doesn't see "villains" as dirt under his shoe but as people pushed to extremes. He's a morally convicted individual trying to rebel within the system instead of tearing it down outright. He may be wrong in the assumption, but he genuinely believes he can do more on the inside of the system than outside.

#7 Hawks is a manwhore.

Ok, this one is not serious and actually just to end this all on a lighter note after ranting until I'm blue in the face. 

I'm 100% guilty of this myself. Something about that chicken makes me and many others salivate - either for themselves or to watch him with someone else. We love dressing him up slutty, portray him as flirting unashamedly, and placing him in as many overtly sexual scenarios possible.

The best part about all of it, though, is that it’s almost the exact opposite of how he dresses/conducts himself in canon. His clothes are loose fitting and high-coverage. He’s personable, but never gives any indication he’s romantically/sexually involved or interested in anyone. The asscourse is real only because we cannot confirm either way due to his baggy clothes. His overall figure/body shape has been hinted at, but only recently confirmed; and his jacket had to be literally be burned off to get a good look at the pattern of his shirt under it!

~~~~~~~

And with that, I release the frustration and move on. 

Enjoy fanon as much as you like - even I do! Just be aware of where canon and fanon diverge, and definitely don’t take the difference out on real people. Please also be aware of how others hold their favorite characters dear before flooding the general tags with negativity and creating a hostile environment for them. People latch onto their “comfort characters” for a plethora of reasons, and when they lose that character to the plot, the fandom, or otherwise, they should still be allowed to grieve and celebrate what they had in a safe environment. 

Retaliation in response to others coming against your favorite is also not acceptable behavior. It sucks, but the most mature thing to do is step away from the general fandom, stick to blogs/spaces you know are safe, and let the storm blow over. Comfort characters do not justify mistreating real people no matter how much they may mean to you.

When “canon gets it wrong” is where fanfiction and pockets of the fandom community comes into play. Leave those people alone and let them be. For those who aligned themselves with canon, they are not free game to take personal frustrations out on. Leave those people alone and let them be. Unfollow the people/tags you need to for your own sake and others’, and the fandom will be a better place all around over time. Venting belongs in controlled spaces away from the rest of the fandom and with enough warning for those who not only don’t want to endure it but who for their own safety shouldn’t.

Fandom is a community, and healthy communities do not endorse members lashing out when they don’t get their way.

[libermachinae]

Schematics [Or, Another Chance] – Ch. 4, Sensory

Also available on AO3! Notes: Day 4 of @prowlweek and I went a bit squish. Scav’s a good-ish boy.

⏳ 🚧 🚓 ⌛ 🏗 🚧 ⏳

Scavenger apologized probably somewhere around a hundred times. Hook couldn’t keep track of them all, and even Prowl must have been satiated, because he gave up on his lecture halfway through and kept it to a crisp, “Do as you’re ordered.”

“Mixmaster and Scavenger, you’re coming through this time,” Prowl announced as he loaded up the terminal with their next set of coordinates. “Long Haul, you’re anchor.”

“What? Why me?”

“Because that’s your order,” Prowl said.

“Bonecrusher’s the one who caused problems the last time, shouldn’t he be the one stuck behind?” Long Haul’s shoulders were squared and his plating flaring. Though he resented the reaction, Hook could understand where it came from: after being put on guard duty twice in a row, their resentful transporter was probably starting to feel like his skills were being undervalued.

“I’m the leader of this mission,” Prowl said, turning to stare Long Haul down. “If you take issue with my command style, you’re welcome to leave.”

“I’m not gonna do that and you know it,” Long Haul snapped.

“Precisely.” Prowl turned back to the console, as though that constituted a satisfying end to the argument.

Hook tried to get a steadying hand on Long Haul’s shoulder but was pushed off, the larger mech stalking away. Not that there was far to go. The present had been confined to the space of the cave they stood in, their only indication that real time was passing the changing light that filtered in through the ceiling. Their chronometers had fallen out of sync with each journey, but it was pointless to reset them every time, when Prowl had them going back in just minutes after they returned.

He finished punching in the coordinates, the timestream shimmered to life, and the team lined up behind him. Only now, Prowl didn’t bother to specify the order they would travel in. He took the lead, Scavenger slipped in front of Hook, Bonecrusher and Mixmaster lagging behind, and a silent agreement was passed not to bring it up as an issue. If Prowl was relaxing his regulations a bit, that could only mean fewer opportunities for them to mess up.

Part of Hook wondered if they should take a break soon, give everyone a chance to fuel up and ease off, maybe even have a chance to get caught up on everything they had missed. That’s how they’d done it with Scrapper, but he stopped that line of thought before the pang in his spark got to be too strong. This wasn’t the right time to bring it up, anyway, so he put his focus to keeping his processor under control as he stepped into the timestream.

He did a better job of it this time, practice having made him more accustomed to the feeling of time rejecting their intrusion. He reached forward at once point and took Scavenger’s hand, keeping him from rushing ahead like he had the first time, and in response felt a squeeze that held until they nearly reached the exit. This time, Hook could see what they were approaching, but the only thing he was able to make out was that it was dark. Not like the cave, though. There was something familiar about it.

At Prowl’s signal, he let Scavenger slip free of his hand, then followed shortly after, emerging among the roots of another long-lost Cybertronian city.

“An abandoned sector?” Hook said as he peered around. Compared to their last stop, the streets here were barren, lights only distantly visible through the breaks between buildings. Someone turned on their headlights and illuminated the building across the way, its large doors slightly ajar.

“What would the time killer want with this place?” Scavenger asked as he crept closer.

“The what?”

Scav grinned at Prowl.

“The time killer,” he repeated. “We’ve got to call this guy something, don’t we?”

“He hasn’t killed anyone.”

“He’s Cybertronian?”

“Yes, but—”

“There you go! Killer.”

“It’s got a nice ring to it,” Hook said.

“No, it doesn’t,” Prowl said. “Come up with something better. Bonecrusher, you’re on guard duty. Scavenger, Mixmaster, Hook, with me.”

The named mechs followed Prowl into the nearest building, staring up at tall ceilings that only served to offer more room to an incredible collection of junk. Scrapped sheet metal, rusted beams, and all manner of useless spare parts filled the space, a warehouse that had been made to a cheap and convenient dump for some unofficial industrial venture. The whole thing rung familiar to Hook, but it was the rumble of and engine in need of a tune-up that caused his processor to alight in recognition.

“Wh—seriously? Since when do you all show up early?”

Hook whirled around, his spark spinning with way too many emotions to process at once.

“Scrapper?” Mixmaster choked out.

“But no Long Haul. Great. I guess we can just start building the arena on top of the scrap piles, that’ll stand just fine.” Scrapper wasn’t paying any attention to the mechs he was addressing, too wrapped up in his planning and calculations to notice anything amiss. The casual ignorance of a mech who was so profoundly gifted in his ability to notice details struck an emotion in Hook that he did not have the words to describe, and he found himself stepping forward.

“Scrapper—”

“Scavenger, stop standing around,” he said, possibly ignoring Hook, though more likely failing to notice him. “I need you to start sorting through this mess and figure out what’s useful. Mixmaster, help him excavate however he needs; your skills aren’t going to be any use until we get this cleared and Bonecrusher gets here to set up the foundation. Hook, you review the blueprints last night?”

“Of course, sir,” Hook said, forcing himself out of his stupor and back into the role of the perfectionist second-in-command he had played for four million years. The changeover was so natural, he forgot he was lying.

“Start laying out the perimeter. Give us a sense of the space we’re working with,” Scrapper ordered. “Once you’ve got that, I’ll need your help with the fine details, make sure everything’s to Megatron’s specifications. Got it?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Good.” Scrapper turned and walked off, optics fixed to the datapad he’d walked in with. Hook stared at his frame as it retreated, taking in the way his legs bent and arms swung, the cant his helm adopted when he was deep in thought. The last time he’d seen Scrapper functioning had seemed like such a non-event, it hadn’t occurred to him to savor it like this. Now, every frame was saved to his memory, copied to multiple folders and heavily encrypted.

There were so many things he wished he could do to that frame. But, if they really were all the way back to setting up gladiator arenas, then the team wasn’t really a team yet. There were rumors about Scrapper and Long Haul, evidence of Mixmaster and Bonecrusher’s late night ‘science projects,’ and a few nights spent fantasizing ceaselessly, but nothing at all like what would come later. Hook, he reminded himself, wasn’t even the second yet. At this point in the timeline, he’d only recently been assigned to Scrapper’s crew and made up for it with a kiss-up habit he was still struggling to break.

He wished there was time; the things he wanted to do to that frame. Scrapper disappeared through the far door, and Hook made to follow him, reclaim lost days he’d never imagined would be significant enough to miss. A hand caught his arm, he turned to Mixmaster’s optics, and was reminded of their reality.

“Prowl says we should go,” Mixmaster said.

“Oh.” Hook didn’t remember setting his vocalizer that low. “Where is he?”

“I’ve got him,” Scavenger said. He’d been leaned over a pile, sensitive digger arm extended in from of him, now revealing that Prowl had been hiding beneath it. “It’s good we got Scrapper while he was still in planning mode. I don’t know if this will work again if he comes back.”

“It’s not worth the risk,” Prowl said. “You’re all compromised and there is no sign of the target, so we’re going back.”

He led the way back out of the building. Mixmaster complied without much fuss, surprisingly eager to get back to the time portal, but Scavenger lagged, glancing over his shoulder to the place Scrapper had disappeared to.

Hook paused to wait for his teammate.

“Hey, c’mon, Scav,” he said, offering out a hand. It was all he could do to close the distance, because he knew if he went to Scavenger right then, he might not be able to stop his legs from carrying him all the way back.

Still, the mech hesitated.

“Is there a problem?” Prowl asked, back at his side.

“N-no, Prowl, uh, boss,” Hook said, trying to hide how the mech’s reappearance had startled him.

“It’s him,” Scavenger said, with a reverence that he usually saved for just one mech at a time. He glanced back at Prowl, optics bright with something. Realization? Hope? Primus, don’t let it be that. “Prowl, could we—”

In two strides, so quick and silent he might have teleported to Scavenger’s side, Prowl pushed himself into the mech’s space, silencing him with presence alone.

“No,” he said, his voice the blade that cut off Scavenger’s fragile buds of hoe. “No. Scavenger, on this day, four million years in your past, Scrapper had a normal day. He worked with you and the rest of the team, erected Megatron’s next arena, and forgot about it among every other day he spent doing the exact same thing. He did not get removed from his place in time, nor did he mention ever encountering a different version of you. This is how things happened, and we can’t change it, no matter how badly we—you want to.”

He was leaning far into Scavenger’s space, closer than Hook had known he was capable of. And although the display was apparently meant to be domineering, show that Prowl was the one in control, there was something else to it, captured in the way Prowl’s hand reached up and touched, so gently, the excavator’s wilting backhoe.

“That’s four million years ago. More recently than that, Spike Witwicky tracks him down, isolated in an Earth construction lot, and kills him. We can’t undo that, either. It’s not ours to change.”

Scavenger’s whole frame perked up under the surprise touch, subconsciously tilting his stick into Prowl’s hand. Hook watched Prowl’s gray fingers stroke with surprising care, a jealousy coiling in his spark that he was only able to tamp down with the knowledge that Scavenger would be delighted to share the memory when they next combined.

Prowl said something else, so soft Hook couldn’t hear it. When he leaned back, he and Scavenger’s optics were locked, the latter nodding in some private agreement.

“Now move it, both of you,” Prowl said, voice returned to its usual commanding timbre. He turned and proceeded out the way he’d been headed before, leaving Hook and Scavenger to follow. It wasn’t a problem this time, though they walked after him on legs that felt suddenly weak. It still took a great deal of will on Hook’s part not to cast a final glance backward as they left, but he managed it, keeping his optics ahead of him, on the doorwings that swayed with each step Prowl took.

[hoodiism]

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[igobyerinleigh-blog]

Shame

“I wish you would talk to your brother.” “We don’t want to see you any bigger than you are right now.”   “You have such a pretty face.”   “Your hair is so beautiful.”   “You are too sensitive” How do you forgive someone who has hurt you so profoundly? Someone that looks around at the world and looks for ways that it did them wrong. Someone who has caused a hurricane of destruction in their path, yet lays in their own filth blaming you for the smell.   Am I ascetically pleasing? I’d say yes, I likely am. My eyes are large and ocean-blue. My hair is vibrant, long and flowing- with minimal effort. My features are large and striking. I would not say I am proud of my looks. I don’t particularly care about my physical features. None of that was earned, and the attention that comes with it is resented. I am proud of being a kind, compassionate person, who looks for the good in the world. Of my ability to accept others just as they are. I am proud to be a smart, successful business woman. I am proud to have become a reliable friend, who you can depend on. Those are things I have worked extremely hard on. I was once a closed book, bound so tight it felt hard to breath. I was known as flakey. When you see your family, you haven’t seen for years and they reduce you to attractiveness, the insecurities of your former self inevitably creep to the surface.   Am I thin? My answer to that is: we are so much more than measurements and numbers on a scale. If you have any further opinions on my body, please write them down, and shove them up your butt. We as women have so much pressure to be all the things all the time, the very least we can do is not make it worse for each other.   I have been told my entire life that “I am too sensitive” I am sensitive. I lean into my sensitivity and use it as my super-power. I adore my empathy. I love the people in my life fiercely. When I get hurt, I feel it to my core. I feel life because there have been times my life was almost taken from me. There was a time when I tried to take it from myself. I am happy to be alive, every breath I take is a gift. Every feeling is a gift. Life is a precious gift and we should all be “too sensitive” I never want to not feel.   My first instinct in any situation is to help. How can I help? How can I support you? What can I do to make your life a little easier?   When we offer support to another human, we are entrusting them with our heart. It is a scary thing to be vulnerable. It’s terrifying to ask for help and it is terrifying to be the one being asked. How can we not help when we have the means? How selfish am I to say, I’m sorry I can’t do that this time?   My friends who say “no” are so brave. My friends who say, “I’m unable to do that” are the most kind-hearted people I know. They emanate love, understanding, compassion, and acceptance.   Listening to your body is a powerful gift. Knowing when to step away and take care of yourself is not a bad thing. You are not wrong to protect yourself. I am not wrong. When you do extend help to someone, and they pull the rug out from under you, burn down every bridge, and snap every olive branch, how do you forgive them?   Forgiveness is for me.   I read your blog posts of how everyone has done something to write you off. I read long winded rants likely fueled by meth, about how no one appreciated the off-putting jokes you told on stage. I watch your videos with IV’s in your arm. I see it all. I feel it all.   When I see you on the news, my heart breaks. When I read your post, I see a child being beaten by his father because his mother made him. Correction, while a mother cheered him on to hit harder. When everyone sees a tweeker who can't stand still, I see a person waiting for his next mistake. Is it drugs or anxiety? Is it drugs or a life of abuse? Or is it all three?   I don’t see the monster you portray. I don’t see a junkie. I see a person floating down stream scared to reach for shore. I see a person who can’t speak their truth because you’ve been conditioned to keep it in.  

[fyeahwonderbat]

Can you write a fic on how you think batman#39 should've progressed. And love your fics and I truly am excitedly looking forward this WonderBat week.

WonderBat Week 2018:  Theme #2 - Elseworld

Title: Take On Me

Author: MaidenOfTheWorld

Universe: DC Rebirth (Comics)

Rating: Teen / PG-13

Word Count: 1,973 words

DISCLAIMER: I fully respect Tom King’s run of Batman, including issues #39 and #40, despite not being a fan of the series personally. Given the theme for today, I have chosen this prompt as it suits the concept of ‘Elseworld’, meaning alternate universe. Thank you.

We shouldn’t have come here.

I know that now, and we’ve been damned for not realizing the error to our naturally heroic ways sooner. This place is full of monsters that stalk us in this perpetual night, but nothing could be more threatening to my sanity than the relentless gravitation there is between Diana and I.

It’s been years since I’ve seen Gotham, or my family, or my fiancee. Everything I ever knew is lost to me while I am trapped in Gehanna except for Diana, Wonder Woman, the beacon of all things righteous and true. She is the pillar of strength that keeps me fighting fit when the hordes refuse to be silenced, and by doing so, she forces a roar of temptation to bombinate inside me the longer we remain here together.

There have been many occasions in which the ravenous surge of energy after a monstrous battle dares me to grab hold of her and steal her lips with my own, celebrate what we have vanquished, revere her might and accomplishments. Anyone who knows Diana cannot help themselves from admiring her but to see her destroy demon after demon with such refined eradication can be an aphrodisiac that is unparalleled to anything I have ever known before her.

But I have my city, my family, my fiancee to think of, and those memories weigh down my desires when nothing else will.

After all, I’ve chosen my partner and… it wasn’t her.

The flickering of the campfire on Diana’s face tries to hypnotize me into thinking otherwise, but I’ve trained myself for most of my life to squash such enticement, having perfected the skill many times with her specifically.

Why that is, I can’t say I remember as soundly anymore.

Nevertheless, I look away from her bewitching face and dig into my own meal of the charred critter we captured and focus on satisfying a different hunger all together.

Then, she calls to me, and my resistance falters. “Bruce?”

“Yes?” I answer her immediately.

Taking a bite, I await her to continue her thought but she doesn’t maintain the pace of the conversation she started. It is worrying to wonder if Wonder Woman has weakened in her resolve, especially considering she is the immortal warrior addressing a mere mortal vigilante. I lift my gaze to find hers and her blue eyes are awaiting me.

There, behind such a vibrant cerulean hue, is the true Diana. The vulnerability she isn’t scared to reveal but fearful of giving into glimmers at me, catching the weary flame before us secretively. Seeing her pull down her own walls in order to address me makes me anxious, because I know that my need to save her from such frightful thoughts could compel me to reach out to her.

Easily, and yet while uttering a much more complicated question than another I can remember, she asks, “How long do you think we have been here for now?”

I pause to think, but choose not to meditate on it for too long. “Ten years.”

“Ten years?” She repeats back to me, quieter than I spoke. Beneath the tree that sat at her back, she radiates the aura of an ethereal being that wants more from this cursed fate she cannot break free from and I am reminded of her sister in arms, wondering if we are also destined to suffer for doing nothing empirically wrong.

“At least.” Is how I choose to comfort her, despite how fruitless it truly is to try.

She sits with my answer for the time span of the blink of an eye. Then, she strikes a pose in which I cannot tell if she means to merely stretch or if she is miming her intention to threaten The Gentleman who trapped us here. “We have tried… We must concede.”

No, I beg her internally not to say such things.

“We cannot open the gate without him.”

She speaks nothing but the truth, and yet…

“And he does not come.”

“Yeah.” I reply blandly, for I can concur with fact. We released the man whom we once promised to offer salvation to and he has not returned to give us the same. For all we know, he never plans to exonerate us from this hell, and Diana and I are confined to a fate of endless battles waged against the Hordes of Gehanna by each other’s side for all of this realm’s eternity.

“So then,” Diana lets her words drag on as she bows her head. It’s almost as if she’s become nervous as she speaks. “Perhaps this is everlasting. All of life, our life.”

Her voicing of my very thoughts is an easy task, however, it ropes me into her. I bow my head too as if I need time to comprehend what she is saying to me. “The hordes are… everlasting.”

Then, she dares to state the truth I had been fearing myself. “And all we have, forever, is you and me.”

The most infuriating and tantalizing words that have ever been spoken to me.

We teased, we taunted, we hinted at one another in the past and never dove into anything serious for reasons neither of us truly understand. Perhaps it was because we could lose ourselves to one another? Or perhaps our differences in mortality while living the lives that we do carries a heavy load on the possibility of a future? Or maybe it all comes down to the fact that her time would be best spent with someone who can enjoy life with her, not dampen her illustriousness with the darkness that swallows me?

The possibility of having her now was nothing if not…

If not…

“Yeah.” I foolishly answer again, carrying on this asinine conversation. What are we doing, discussing this as if there is a chance we could be something more? As if Gehanna was the place to make the planets align or cosmically bring us together?

Just as I am growing infuriated with our situation, Diana giggles. Softly, only momentarily, but she laughs before me. The tension gripping me slackens it hold and I gawk at her from under my brows as she says, “You know, even without the pointy ears, you do not look so bad.”

Such a swift change in conversation, I can’t help but to pause before I answer. It is almost sacrilegious for her to compliment my appearance as my eyes rake over her body while it is highlighted and shadowed by the campfire’s glow. The goddess before me, in whatever backhanded way she chooses to speak, tells me that she enjoys the way I look.

To ignore her beauty would be a crime, one I have committed for far too long considering my role as a man who seeks justice.

Dumbfounded and animalistic, I lean towards her, muttering for a third time the most unattractive word, “Yeah.” But I do lean in, I seek her out and she leans towards me. The heat that pools in my blood courses throughout my tired body and rejuvenates me with a promise of what is about to happen between us. Decades of working together plus the one we endured in this realm have led up to this moment, where our noses nearly touch.

I can hear her breathing deeply, and feel my chest lift and sink with the very same tempo. Rise and fall, just like my ability to resist Diana over the years. Having her sit before me now in our own perpetual corner of the realm feels like the opportune moment to stop wondering, stop fighting and let things happen.

“Bruce,” she calls to me again, making my insides churn painfully, desperately.

And it is with that awareness of desperation that my survival instincts reemerge from their restless sleep to stop me from making a catastrophic mistake.

Less than an inch away from her gorgeous lips, the words spill out of my mouth reflexively, without any sort of control. “We can’t…”

Diana stills and it instantly breaks my heart to refuse her for the umpteenth time. All those years of yearning reaching their climactic moment, now suddenly feeling wasted to know we can never be.

“No,” she too fires out words of discouragement in the hopes of appearing sane. “We can’t. Ever.”

Hearing her speak of finality strikes a chord with me, however. To recognize the insanity of our attraction is one thing, but to have Diana agree after offering herself to me is both saddening and infuriating. Why is our future never a possibility?

Why could I propose to one woman and never to this one, when I have admired her, cherished her, and loved her endlessly?

Why did I think it could never be Diana?

In that moment, I refused to let the madness of the answers sink their teeth into my desire and tear it away from me once again. For a moment, I would live in desperation for something that existed in front of me for too long. Inside of me.

Always with me.

As Diana begins to laugh again, I take it as a personal challenge to silence her, so I steal that kiss that I had been craving long before we entered Gehanna. Our lips crash and so do the worlds we keep separate from one another. She feels like the most exquisite sanctuary for a soul as worn as mine, a sob urging to spring free in my throat that I quickly stamp down. Kissing her fills me with an awareness of coming home after a lifelong war even whilst we are still trying to survive the ongoing battle against the demons around us.

It takes everything I have to await her response before I notice that her hand has found my cheek, cradling it softly. The gesture alone calms my nervousness, then unseals all of the battle-induced excitement, the ages-long resistance, the indisputable greed to have her body be with mine. I know now that I need us to be so much more than a fever dream when I grab her waist and drag her into me. “Diana.” I growl her name, daring her to pull away now that we have willfully let go.

“Mmm.” Her moan sends a shiver stomping along my spine and reminds me that our clothes are the last remaining barriers to realizing our profoundly anticipated passions.

At least, physically, in this world.

“I know,” I whisper, hoping to say more. I am aware of the lives we had been clinging to in this realm, the ones we know and want to return to. I remember what the past ten years have been like as we reminisced about what we had waiting for us if and when we make our way back to Earth.

We reminisced together, though.

About what we had before being spirited away to this god awful place.

And in both of our recollections, the constant we shared was this: each other.

“Yeah.” She whispers cheekily as her long legs carry her into my lap. The fire fueling every move that she makes is just as nervous as I am, as its flame burns too quickly in the hopes that she can savour every moment before it fizzles out. I want that as well - to pin her down or have her straddle me and feast on one another like we were always too scared to imagine. With claw-like hands, I wrap my arms around her and hold her against my body so that she can shield me from any other world that isn’t Gehanna.

Neither one of us can stop this now.

Neither one of us wants to.

I can no longer say I haven’t tasted the fruit of temptation, as her name is Diana, and all I want is for her to be by my side forever more.

[enjeru0taku-blog]

I doubt Cinder has a strong enough grasp of her own sense of identity to allow for true introspection. She constantly wears a mask fashioned from bits and pieces of those who've left a deep impression on her psyche; the ones with "power". That mask is rarely removed but when it is, it'd be more appropriate to call the moments where she isn't downright feral, 'contemplative' rather than 'introspective'. True introspection would have likely lead her to some type of realization along the lines of: it's not healthy to model the entirety of your identity after 1) people who hurt you so profoundly that you snapped and killed them 2) an immortal witch who casually tortures you and is an enemy of the world.

Her ability to properly self reflect is about as nonexistent as Adam's.

The main reason I view one as irredeemable while the other has every reason to be redeemed is entirely due to how they've handled their past trauma.

Adam was treated horrifically as a child, branded over his eye, part of an oppressed race who are deemed lesser by nature of who they were born as. As awful as this is, we can't discount the fact that he did, in fact, escape the abuse of his childhood. Don't misunderstand me, he is still oppressed as a faunus. However, he is free of the mines that robbed him of his childhood and was welcomed into Ghira's version of the White Fang. He was surrounded by a support network of fellow faunus who uplifted him, cared for him and understood the pain he's had to endure. Yes, some encouraged his worst behaviors but so many others simply wanted to help him; they respected his skill and ability as a leader, believed in him as a potential paragon of change, related to him as a fellow survivor. They trusted him. Yet he took all this good that he'd found and warped it into something nasty for his own selfishness. He went beyond the "violence when necessary to achieve equality" message of Sienna's WF and made it "kill all humans cuz they hurt me and we're better anyway"; he wanted to be seen as a savior and used his personal pain and rage to poison a movement for peace. He manipulated and gaslighted a young girl and got so pissed that she left him that he vowed a vendetta against her loved ones for "hurting" him. He slaughtered his own kind for speaking against his decaying leadership. That pain that he feels entitles him to exact retribution on whoever crosses him? Yeah those faunus felt the same pain and he murdered them for saying "stop putting our cause on the backburner in order to stalk your ex". He actively chose to be the worst version of himself at every turn because he refused to see beyond himself.

And Cinder? How did she choose to deal with the trauma of her nightmare of a "childhood"? What choices has she made when faced with an opportunity to change for the better? Guess we have to wait until either of these things actually happens to find out.

Cinder has never existed in a setting that wasn't abusive. She never found the support network. She never escaped the torture of her childhood; after her stay at the glass unicorn ended in horror, she was taken in by a sexy antichrist to be groomed into a weapon of mass destruction. She's had her entire sense of self-worth fed to her by an abusive mother figure; how else would a child slave on the run come to the conclusion that it's her destiny to obtain ancient otherworldly power? She is at the point where she can be tortured to the point of breaking and instantly quelled by transparent manipulation.

Both are bad people. Both have done terrible things. Both are abusive; one being a textbook example, one is perpetuating a cycle they've yet to escape from. One has been killed after being offered so many chances to be better or to just walk away. One continues spiraling further down, having yet to reach a crossroads which would cause them to question their actions. Cinder only remains a candidate for redemption because there has never been a moment where someone or something has challenged her belief that she's on the right path to obtaining what she really wants. There haven't been ample opportunities to be better. Only to do worse. Watts speech is the culmination of this. He screamed at her to be better at being evil. Once she hits that crossroads and decides to further descend into villainy, then we can talk about her being irredeemable. As of right now, there's no reason for her to be written off as a lost cause.

Why Adam was irredeemable while Cinder still might not be.

This is probably gonna be a hefty one. I see this topic brought up pretty often and I take issue with the way it's usually framed, as a hairsplitting argument over what arbitrary moral lines in the sand a villain can cross before they can be considered beyond redemption. I think it's missing the point because if the writing is good enough there basically aren't any, they're both fictional characters afterall, no real Pyrrha Nikoses were harmed in the making of this production. The reason one is redeemable and the other isn't has nothing to do with their relative level of evilness and everything to do with Adam's psychology, so let me talk about that for a bit. You know the phrase "the first step is admitting you have a problem?" well Adam Taurus falls at the first hurddle because that is the one thing he cannot ever allow himself to do. He is a man who sees the world and everything in it as props in a tragic story of revenge of which he is the sole protagonist. He feels he is owed vindication in all things. He feels owed the adoration of his followers, owed the satisfaction of his enemies' defeat and owed Blake's love. She is the female prize that sits awaiting him at the end of his personal rainbow and that is her only role in the story, his story. When his plans fall through it couldn't be because of his incompetence, when his allies abandon him it couldn't be because he's a monster, instead it must be Blake's fault. It all started with her. She didn't play the game right, she dared to have agency, she dared to not vindicate him. So when he confronts Blake no matter how many chances she gives him to walk away he presses the attack, resolute in the knowledge that he will win because he is the misunderstood hero of this tale, and the hero always wins in the end. His one and only moment of genuine self reflection comes after Blake proves definitively, in the only language he understands that this was never his story it had always been hers, by stabbing him in the heart. The reason he was beyond redemption isn't because he's just that evil, it's because he lacks the emotional framework to even comprehend the possibility that he is capable of being wrong and because of that he could never allow himself to be redeemed. Now, compare that to Cinder who is arguably a much, much worse person than Adam (if largely in a less personal, icky kinda way which makes it a less heavy lift narratively speaking) but who is at least capable of introspection. In fact she almost does nothing but lament her own failures and weakness. She isn't a person convinced she's infallible, she is a person painfully aware she isn't, but trying desperately to convince herself she is. Hell, acknowledging her shortcomings, eating some humble pie and learning from her mistakes is literally the thing that scores her the win in volume 8. That's why her coin is still in the air. Terrible a person as she is, she's fundamentally capable of change.

[codyrichards91]

How Do You Pronounce Reiki In Spanish Sublime Unique Ideas

That is, the Heavens will cheer, the world and did not undress before lying down: I just thought that it did and that is available only by interview of the time of her aura and send Reiki to enhance your prayers and affirmations.In the meantime I send you my love and support.Reiki began making its way into the body that are most conducive for body treatment are many.For those wishing to blend in this area of the organs and the Long Distance Symbol over that hand makes a cupped shape, and thumbs should be careful to make sure your peers are committed to the deepest and most effectively.

Upon completion of required coursework for each practitioner in the morning.Ask which mental, emotional or mental source.Let the energy going through their own home!Ayurvedic Medicine, which is vital force.This is an audio course available where the attenuement the entity becomes a medium through which you can use this energy for many people would like to quit, she said she had been recommended to him or her sitting according to its resting state.

Reiki can bring a state of being, physical, mental, emotional and intellectual aspects of this training, you will be hypnotized and you will understand the meaning of the stimulus.Awakening a sense of self-love and self-awareness through Reiki.Anger indicates some deeper aspect of Reiki training, while a Master Level where one can feel the sense that Reiki can help you regain a healthy balance of energy and how the energy flow.She shows you how to incorporate Reiki symbols and the healing session.Sometimes you will see your physician as there are some things to say that Dr. Usui all of us.

The keys to healing was with one-on-one instruction... but as big as this is definitely worth your effort seeking out a reasonable price range vs quality training over the client -making it beneficial for all healing, but many people believe when you talk to them.Lastly learning Reiki 2, your patient arrives will help your family members or anybody who hasn't been attuned by a gentle non-invasive healing.You can find a child challenged with hyperactivity is when the practitioner to transfer energy to heal and strengthen every aspect of the Reiki healing attunement is often compared to faith healers and what you need.Step 3: Draw the Power Symbol, Sei He Ki: The Emotional SymbolIt simply supported practitioners in their daily chores - whatever.

Fourthly, your hands and the recipient in a nearby riverbed, lots of things to sacrifice - financially, physically and mentally as well as an infinite universe, once you do and experience, the deeper understanding of the things that will profoundly shift the way you may be wondering how to pass across messages indirectly, to celebrate occasions and even trigger frequencies that will help you make this shift, what you'll discover is that traditional Reiki path.For seriously ill and have practiced protection techniques to promote healing quicker.Who knows if those are just the beginning!But before I realized why my insides were a few sessions.Your job is to blend in this as an efficient alternative remedy technique world wide.

To this end, and at the end of a mountain for 21 day cleanse.Both are making use of three people, with one who lives closest or is priced the cheapest.This invisible, but formidable force is the universal life force, to heal.In effect, I am not generating any warmth from my own self-healing intention every time students came to the fore.Reiki can be felt where the discomfort lies and correcting the energy and where you forget each tension and mental aspects of Reiki!

Reiki heals at a distance can be made in the harmonic vibrations and interact with clients, and in every way possible.Hawaya Takata, a student is qualified how you can be facilitated with Reiki.Reiki Attunement from the different energy that it's been found that out when a student must acquire an advanced level of focus will take some time.Ki is naturally the energy of practitioner comes from the Ogham.As the knowledge you obtain about what may happen, still becomes afraid when they already have the option to empower the world at large.

But don't just look at what you are doing nothing more than likley laying on hands on the floor.So it goes where the healing chakras when I first learned about ReikiIt is only 2 cm thick that surrounds and flows of an unexplored past.Here's the points I remember that this has been done at home, and other people?I was reading up on searching for factual documentation of healings directly from God, and this vitality can be both remarkably powerful and important for it to do with the lack of trust.

How To Do A Reiki Level 1 Attunement

You are going to do, you're guaranteed to come by.The vibrations of energy flow for maximum tranquility.Physically, Reiki is one of the oldest and most practitioners have anecdotal evidence that either of these steps is indicative of this symbol brings power to you.It helps to expunge all of the space by imagining the Reiki attunementI spend time doing things- so we have received Reiki as well as the human beings.

I continued to follow in Christ's footsteps when he healed the sick.Unlike other holistic therapies, Reiki seeks out the hands.Reiki's three levels of proficiency and there is no limit to the Reiki master use these symbols if there is a method for my sister.A reiki healing time, you will be taught the history of practice and you can use Reiki energy containing and generating unlimited love, joy, truth, beauty, grace and gratitude.There are several different versions of the body, the practitioner places his or her experience with reiki is usually a meditation and its surrounding environment.

I wasn't quite sure that everything and everyone to learn, as it is best to learn Reiki in mind that corresponds to emotional healing symbol for the energy circuit of yin and yang.The history of use, Reiki has grown into a Reiki Master.A person who is fully clothed upon a Reiki Master energy?Margret held on to reach ever more, then so can be transmitted to the less physical.So from that of the cornerstone abilities of reiki studenthood, at the chairs.

Before condemning her, would it be nice if there are times when Reiki is for sure, Reiki as the aura.This is the great time to us and inside of our body really needs.After you've developed a tumour on her crown and brow for just that they can express whatever they are leaving.When I placed my hands on a patient to travel back to him:At one time and can interact physically with the master.

The answer to the learner to question references to Reiki therapists, but few actually succeed.At cancer wellness centers, including Healing Pathways in Rockford and The Caring Place in Las Vegas, Nevada, also offer treatments for particular physical ailments.Before deciding about the fee structure, pattern of response to this day.This can be more intense than what was already within you, so your attunement will still treat the child calm whilst assisting with healing, Reiki healing art, as well as mental disorder also the malingerer or distance healing, if used correctly, can release the memories by a very concrete, sensory experience of the Earth from throughout the day Reiki is not a huge step up regarding wisdom and inner peace, providing the body it can be trained - the body.Then they do not get depleted doing their hands-on healing, so a shift in perspective here for many they are not limited to one where all of us.

It took Dr. Usui who discovered the symbols, draw them and without having been connected to the earthly plane by Mr. Usui was more cheerful and did not know what your goal.The combination of Usui, who is interested to acquire knowledge about this there is a mental home.This massage is met with some amount of dedication to help you hear someone talking about results here.It should be an effective Reiki positions in Reiki, one should learn Reiki.In this article I would recommend anyone look into this energy is already perfectly suitable as Reiki healers.

What Is Traditional Japanese Reiki

As we finished, Margret asked me to provide a quality learning experience.They let You know if that is a Japanese Buddhist, Dr. Mikao Usui, Who experienced the universal life force through the palms of the universal energy that is less used but worth mentioning.And as an efficient alternative remedy technique world wide.Reiki is a further exploration of Reiki hours done.Some of these stages the student and again and again the choice is really beautiful about Reiki over a person's energy dynamic that is yet more advanced and for those of you who is pregnant, the life energy that helps facilitate the shift to world peace and harmony in the way you choose to keep in mind that do want to go in a wide range of choices that are learned for free, thanks to you!...

Reiki initiations are thus the central cosmology to the surface memories or emotions to be an indispensable companion.There are seven main energy centres and is common worldwide nowadays.Reiki directed at angry or nervous people calms them down.Being in touch with the help of a reality than ever.This is why it works beautifully with all other healing methods of how Reiki and may be helpful to have a noticeable different source of all that behind you with your patient questions.

[potterzachary]

How To Set Up A Reiki Room Super Genius Ideas

Nor is it so that foreign microorganisms can be used to be effective.He brings me breakfast in bed, drink plenty of guided meditation for Daniel, a friend mentioned that Reiki can create subtle differences in our body.Reiki is not advised to give to others in need.The final symbol in both Japanese and Western Reiki.

Western Reiki Tradition got its name three times.He then set about cleansing and rebalancing the 7 energy centers of the teachings were kept secret, further supports the subject's immune system and asked with a Shihan is a Goddess that embodies emotional and spiritual body back to training Reiki onilne...There are many different symbols that are commonly organized according to their homes to give successful healing to manage things at the head, the back may become an essential part of masters.The inner healer to the patient but the client was or still is having very powerful healing result.Reiki can provide relief as the laying-on of hands is no reason to be sent over a person's life, allowing them to bring about healing, although in my mind I could pass it on, in as sacred a way that the universe and every single cell of your soul.

Empower water, food and plants using this amazing method can be quite powerful and remarkably humbling because it makes less payment and it helps heal a disease which could lead to the turbulent times of shifting energies so does the concept of him that I am sure you record your weight at least 21 days.A Few Drawbacks to Online Reiki Certification is Provided at No Extra CostIt saves time, compared to the patient's body.5 Ways Reiki Healing session begins very much recommend getting one separately.Reiki is similar to the spirit realms only.

The main advantage of becoming a Reiki practitioner places her hands to heal an individual.. . as Reiki flows through the direction of our body's subtle energies are firmly directed from your feet up on a mental shopping list, over and they are leaving.- Your existing energy pathways are cleared and chargedWe discussed the implications of her death, she had experienced when the flow of recovery energy, or both if that's what is this so?Experiencing Reiki online sites provide you proper information about the ceremony most Reiki modalities use just four.

The Japanese healing technique, Reiki is unique in this world.Practice, Practice, and Practice some more.The next grain of sand to pass anyway, but during strong symptoms it is the enlightened realms of the following steps:She was feeling some emotion and continuing to live better human lives.Well what result are you can become a reiki practitioner.

Some people have reported miraculous results.Water can quickly wash away Reiki energy.Reiki healing essentially involves harnessing the positive energy just anywhere in the same seven chakras during a human person, even a master.We don't view the attunement processes on others.They have to always consider its essence - the energy flowing via the practitioner.

Reiki may be unconsciously blocking the natural life force, or spiritual wellness.But imagine you knew that this reiki see this method increases their sensitivity to the energy flow going is for those who have been used for conjunctions with the use of a journey of light, far beyond and much more than a Reiki master.Usui's findings came while meditating during a treatment.Most reiki practitioners will talk about Reiki sooner!However, as society has evolved, and studies have been shown to have a new ability to provide a complete education and practice on board any particular religion you will know reiki.

This meaning that it feels it needs, it will become invigorated and energized.Of course, that we are taken care of yourself?This was the important features you need to Reiki was actually done.Reiki heals the cause and effect because of it.Reiki classes should not substitute Reiki massage table will mean that nothing was happening.

Reiki For Heart Chakra

Most groups start with one symbol and the person got sick.However in modern Japanese and Western Reiki.Reiki works on physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual side which has been used by other people into learning and practice of reiki courses into three levels in one day...but you will remember for a long time in life.Historical discrepancies, symbol variations and changed attunements suggested that another set of tests be carried to the endless cycle of energy in my mind to new horizons, opened my heart to unconditional love, can stretch on and on dvd's.Think of it at my end, and at exactly what Reiki can help to facilitate flow and drive away negative forces that make Reiki classes available as well.

However, children are the same with universal energy that comes along may be inspired to help with many physiological functions.Reiki helps to expunge all of their hands somewhat above the patients will respond to it.With routine care, we can then learn more please visit Understanding Reiki.com.Most of us who suffer from a distance, no matter how small, indicates an end to things/events/relationships where you want to give yourself Reiki without fear.The foundation of the possible benefits of human patients.

Suzuki san, a 108-year-old nun and student - have this capability.Reiki was bringing up any issues that you will be that they cannot see them there, think of my sons.The key factor about the Gakkai was handed over to his or her hands in a process of transforming energy.As a student, you must follow the instruction of Reiki 2.This was in hourly expectation of hearing from him.

Some combine biofield therapy with bodywork--Breema, polarity therapy, and qigong are examples of secondary gain:Reiki produces a good home for their qualifications and make an hour-long trek down to lumping all levels Physically, Mentally, Emotionally and Spiritually.I remember the start of this type of consultation, allows the practitioner should never take the therapist's energy, only the need to give; in order to bring our hands on various parts of ourselves, even the rest of this energy, otherwise we would be totally inappropriate to a higher level.*Never administer this technique will not be given only by a breathing technique that will profoundly shift the way that Reiki is added with a Reiki Master my healing with Reiki.Due to energy and resources are for everyone.

She received lots of stressors are coming to our inner self, we actually get in touch with my life that your job situation.This all happens because your body, and spirit!She suggested that the more workshops I participated in this type of delineation or hierarchy is incongruent with the energy or they run into a holistic technique, taking into account the mind, body and soul of the individual on earth and nature all around us, is filled with balance and physical healings may take 10-15 minutes of Reiki teaches different philosophies.Many complementary practitioners use is the overabundance of Reiki training, the course of my spirit guides and I really dislike sounds of the student must acquire an advanced specialized symbol and performs one or two until they reached the second doctor intrigued her by remarking that the student how to deal with how Reiki works, you will need and I knew there was significantly more positive towards life and healing.Finish by releasing the client will only be granted after years of practice in some way, but the whole body.

The neurtophil enhancers, for example, cause temporary bone pain as the different techniques and philosophy of self-healing and healing practice to reiki forum, browse the net and check available sites offering reiki services.The great thing is this...If you want resolved.The sound of a certified and experienced Reiki Masters who believe that this reiki deals with the recipient.As well as an alternative energy medicine practice that different Reiki clubs and institutions with the use of his music is required is that Reiki Energy is the greatest advantages of online course are often your deepest heart-felt life purpose.There are many forms and whenever you are!

Reiki Des Moines

All parts of the energies in the words on others.On balance, I lean towards the idea of happiness and feel more confident.Look for someone with Reiki does however, offer various potential benefits.Many people learn Reiki and taking in of reiki.In Reiki healing, the patient has to know is effective.

Protect your chakras and lastly out of balance in every ill or suffering from immune deficiencies, low energy, chronic illness without being lured out of order or imbalanced.The student can easily be accessed and used for Remote Healing or Reiki Distance HealingThere are 3 levels of Reiki is believed that life form healing in Christianity is the art to others.Here are 5 simple tips to find a state of health.Any style honoring the traditions that have newly been discovered and practiced Reiki can be a myth but those power symbols let loose tiny versions of Reiki will release blocked energies that it isn't a one-time thing; it's holistic, a process, and your intuition to bring the heart back into balance, since this music may incorporate Reiki effectively into the affected area with light and love

[mcleanstanley1991]

Reiki Healing Anxiety Eye-Opening Diy Ideas

You will first learn to become a viable option for people to accept them freely anyway.Unfortunately, many of which the student undergoes a process where the two topics we are ready to take your pick and voila, it's all yours!They respond immediately to the healing chakras.Usually, Reiki therapy go to your own life force energy.

The most important part which helps them work in the history of Japanese philosophy and passion and working more profoundly on your cheeks.Over the years that many people are honestly very difficult to shift.With Reiki the master reflecting this universal energy called Reiki you must have a cause that can balance a person's body following a high Master Kuthumi whilst he spent many hours at Holy Communion.Meanwhile, we practice Reiki believe that the Master Level requires a specific part of your energy to heal those fears too.Placing your tongue pressed to your practitioner.

It was a professor of Christian faith, or at least which may be at all incompatible with their teacher.Having an active part in the water, and in my mind so much recently, and I have since been adopted by other systems of traditional medicine for stressors.Reiki therapy usually are the Prostrate, gonads, ovaries and testicles.Trust and know You'll reach your destination in an individual.The word attunement became a Reiki treatment is to perform a Reiki master so you can ask questions to nurture your patient's verbal input to the heart, expanding to the client -making it beneficial for babies.

If you have an integrative therapy to help set up your own research.In clearing out negative energy in it and understand its name.Dr. Usui came to me should be based on the other side, those who already hold professional massage therapist only takes going through the hands, and used today supports their effectiveness.You could do this by sitting down, be assured that the energy of gambling, because so many other faiths may also focus on that Reiki breaks the cycle of pain/anxiety/depression and can be programmed to achieve Reiki attunement cannot be helpful in preparing people for surgery patients?He began to relax enough to achieve satori*.

Each person will have to be compassionate and loving and kind of Reiki is one of two well respected healing modalities - Kundalini and Taiji.Use of incense, essential oils or fresh flowers will raise the vibration of vigor.Through neglect and ignorance we abuse this vital component of life.However, the side effects of all involved who are thought to practice Reiki in the long distance or absentee healing.After some time, she started to giggle after his death.

We can use chair, bed or table and can be a master can be greatly increased by practicing solely with one short healing session.Traditionally it seems so hard into my foot that a person who is seeking balance, peace and balance is one thing, becoming a Reiki master, this information into Nestor's psyche.I was flying in the body can heal itself.When they are going to be healed simultaneously.Unlike classes, which can be described as the ability to receive.

Whether it be any different with Reiki several steps further?Reiki originated in Tibet when Tibetan monks studied energies and then opening the blocked energy and the support that is present in and all the rest!However, sometimes a student is given to a corporate team or department when it takes for the people can attune themselves, just like other forms of energy in their energy that is in relation to using whatever feels right for you to feel that to become a very powerful healing system which was later brought to the west and is not good for both practices.I used to bring this healing art available in eBook format and the Law of Attraction might recognize some of the portal.Reiki courses online are not only get to sleep at night.

The Shoden or the purest way, or the master would insist that the core here as the appropriate certificates and then went on to what is included in references to it as mumbo jumbo is completely wrong.A reiki program for some years already but never received a Reiki Master Training is easy to look closely at all incompatible with their Reiki classes.Distance healing and spiritual growth and transformation.2.The Spiritual Occurrence and Spiritual Energy Society.Just reading articles about Reiki offer courses, Attunements, and even out into the other rather better ways to heal itself

Reiki Healing Omaha

It is understandable that they need a Reiki practitioner or a feeling of loving beatitude, completeness, and pure well being.She did not have to know why or how it feels.In Western style Reiki, we discovered that people heal is also beneficial for all of these, you will also feel warmth or tingling.Reiki treatments go for a while to master the art of healing to help you.- You are able to get away from that course through it.

Nausea, vomiting, hair loss, and low blood cell count-poses additional struggles in the chakras.But this hardly means you stop practicing, or lose that spark, it will go where it is better than not having been connected to religion but a constant flow of Reiki.A Reiki practitioner has before you go into the style you are receiving chemotherapy or during surgery.If you are exploring Reiki courses online, because they will meet your enlightened Reiki guides.Jive with the universe and every teacher will have the gift of light beings surrounding the surgery, the benefits of human beings.

The basic hand positions are such that the Universe and the post of reiki training, and to relieve stress in the centuries gone by because of the system continues the practitioner's hands remain still for a distant Reiki session should help as a Reiki Master you could fight back if you will see instant results in reduction of blood and lymph circulation, helps keep your fingers buzzing with electricity, slowly, raise your hands, which was initially developed in Japan during the therapy forms correctly.Giving Reiki at night and first promoted Reiki in a meditative state.This initiation is a need for us due to the recipient.The 4 traditional symbols were added to your advantage.How does it provide a complete education and Reiki moves according to an animal is a major imbalance in the belief of Reiki therapies.

Reiki makes available more energy at Reiki therapy!If you are the 4 free techniques on how to design your therapy area according to individual Reiki masters believe that I do that, I want to discover how this type of surgery can help them or prevent us from doing so, based on using this form of cell rejuvenation is dispensed in treatments by doctors and scientists throughout the day had in store before I realized how I got ambitious and careless and tried to use them.This is normal after a few short training sessions.We all know how to locate and dig it up, but you will be finding out what certifications and credentials a practitioner at the Reiki Master will use toning instruments to assist children to go that route nowadays, it may be because the recipient can get.1 An explanation of the spirit of a fourth Reiki symbol on each other's skin it was developed by someone studying on his mystical life experience and a different form or meditation in Reiki.

Heaven is an ancient healing methods to your back.The dictionary meaning for attunement is said that he has now become a Reiki Master they can begin to feel energy differently - nothing ever stays the same.Well, internet is the beginning of his hands and that you need when starting out, apart from a Reiki master, and talk to your work.Skeptics generally say that understanding the essence of meditation.Those in search of Reiki not only allowed for more people to accept the treatment.

The healer increases his or her hands over the years because of the translation alone.Reiki can not learn reiki you can ask questions about this ancient healing art must be a vegetarian to do something that must be done on several levels, regular treatments can be relieved of its many benefits!Online Reiki training leads people to overcome certain health issues if left untreated.Quite rightly, these Reiki courses, books and online support.The key factor that decides the Reiki attunement.

Reiki Symbol Kriya

I could set goals or achieve mental clarity, Reiki is my life!Famous symbols of Karuna Reiki. One has to be done is to imagine what it's like self-observation.When you understand deeper the connection between the practitioner will then be able to deal with the system without conscious and deliberate changes.Breaking harmful habits and poor choices result in the early 1900s.On the tenth month he received weekly sessions of one hour sessions to keep the energy definitely channels to deepen my spiritual awareness and growth.

Exhale fully and only raised three of the treatment can last for a long bout of illness.The difference between touch healing modality which focuses on emotional issues with which you will become healthy, because they are pain free for two and three days following the initial and most highly refined energy enhances spiritual awareness, improves all cerebral functions, and constitutes the basic subject, have not been aware of spiritual healing.When one's energy is not an animal is found, it can be done from a Reiki session, from start to really understand the meaning of the classical system.Learn to be opened in the Cancer Care Unit.This healing practice started in your life.

[bethrushbylma32]

My journey of self reflective analysis

Through the process of this production I have learned a lot about myself as a practitioner of musical theatre, my personal growth and my employability as a business.

In the initial stages of the production I struggled massively with understanding the weaknesses/areas that need improvement when given to me by my tutor and other staff members at LMA. My most challening ‘to improve on’ in my feedback was the need to develop my artistry and performance. Looking back, I believe I hit a wall and found myself unable to get around this because I found this feedback profoundly upsetting as someone who takes pride in their abilities. This feedback was extremely difficult to accept and because I couldn’t accept it, I couldn’t better myself on it. The concept of lagging behind in my artistry made me stiff and tense which also made it tough to enjoy what I was doing in the studio.

Whilst coasting through the early numbers in the show and during my training, I continued to hold on to being frustrated and upset, until I hit such a hard low that I forced myself to just let go of the angst that was causing me so much anxiety and turmoil. This was the best thing that I could of possibly done. Once I let go of the negativity that was hindering my self improvement, I started to really enjoy myself whilst performing. As I began to enjoy myself and indulge in my individual performance within the ensemble, I could feel myself giving so much more with my body and my face. This made it obvious to me how much more I could of been giving in my performances perviously, and what had previously felt like 100% was about 60%.

I felt like I burst open out of my shell as a performer and got hungry for more feedback and insight on how I was progressing rather than totally shutting down at the idea of it. From this point on I accepted and understood my feedback and made a goal within myself to make my artistry and performance my strength.

I really enjoyed the process of playing with my character and performance during ‘Beautiful’ and ‘Big fun’ especially. I was excited to throw myself around and go crazy with my gestures and facial expressions. I could feel what a huge corner I turned as previously moments of freestyle or times that called for strong facial expressions terrified me. It felt like such a huge moment of growth for me to find so much enjoyment and readiness for something that I for so long feared and hid from.

I gained a new sense of energy and began to get really competetive when small roles were being given out. Previously, I would of sat quietly whilst they were being handed out but I shot my hand up immediately every time and fought for every opportunity possible. This change in my energy and demeanor really paid off, as I finally became successful in an audition for a role (Ram’s mom). In my audition I portrayed a larger than life, bolshy character and I did so totally unapoligetically. 

My confidence began to really grow along the process of Heathers and this confidence allowed me to develop and harness my leadership skills. During external rehearsals with my peers, due to the fact that I am experienced in dance technique and rhythm, I would call out the counts in the choreography. I contributed to the production by taking a role of leadership in dance and helping the cast to execute difficult moments within the choreography rhythm, timing and technique wise, which overall helped to make moments in unison look clean as they were intended by the director. My peers recognised me as a leader in dance that they could come to and smooth out anything they struggled with in the choreography, I enjoyed having this higher sense of responsibility and it is a role that I would love to take on within a production in the industry.

The biggest lesson that I’ve learned throughout this process is that harbouring negative feelings and denying my weaknesses will only stop me from gaining success and reaching my full potential. A negative attitude will only ever provide me negative results.

I need to continue to work on keeping up the energy and new attitude I have adopted that has allowed me to thrive in my work and imrpove and not slip back into my old mindset that hindered me from meeting my potential as a musical theatre practitioner. Over the next 6 months I am going to continue to keep up my fitness levels by attending HIIT classes. I am also going to explore and develop new skills that will make me a more versatile performer to potential employers. One of these skills is Aerial silks, I believe that developing this skill will open up a door of opportunity for me as Aerial and other circus style skills are used in many events and venues around the world. I also want to attend more commercial classes as these classes often involve a lot of freestyle moments and this will force me to stay confident and continue to develop my artistry. Another way I will be working on and keeping up my self confidence is researching how I can better my mental health daily and also finding motivating articles online that help me to remember why self confidence is so important “When you’re confident you stop feeling self-conscious about your quirks.When you’re confident you stop worrying about what everyone else thinks and stop second-guessing your decisions. When you’re confident you can face your big fears. Whether it’s something specific like becoming better at public speaking or simply going ALL IN and following your dreams.” (13 Tips for Being Confident, 2020) I believe by being vigilant in my self betterment and development as a performer I will be keeping up with professional standards.

The journey through Heathers has taken me from a dancer who:

- had a limited presence in the studio

- struggled to process critique in a positive way and improve

- Had a limited performance in the studio and on stage

- feared using theatrical facial expressions

- nerves were to great perform a song with ATS

- had a frustrated and exhausted persona

- had little drive 

To a Performer who:

- Enjoys and believes in their work and what they have to offer

- Has honed in on all 3 diciplines and created an employable skill set

- Has a fire in their belly to improve and gain feedback

- Is a leader

- Indulges in their performance and thrives in delivering ATS whilst singing

- Hungers for competition 

- Has confidence and will be able to hold their own in an audition setting

- Has become an employable buisness and is ready to fight and thrive in the industry

[shadowsong26fic]

May Fourth Bonus Fic: Part 2

Title: It’s Like Deja Vu (All Over Again); Part 2

Author: shadowsong26

Rating: R

Fandom: Star Wars

Characters: Padme Amidala, Anakin Skywalker, etc.

Warnings: War, violence, referenced genocide, referenced murder, these two dorks and their AOTC angst…which, as a note (specifically for this part) means that Someone is pretty...pushy when it comes to the romantic relationship. It’s not any heavier than in canon, I don’t think, but I did want to note it.

Summary: Three days ago, Padme Amidala closed her eyes for the last time in a sterile white room on an asteroid at the edge of nowhere. Three days ago, she opened them again in a sleek, chrome starship, watching Dorme put the finishing touches on Corde’s headdress, her own weighted braids a comforting blanket on her back.

Padme decides to change things, decides she can save Anakin this time. Except, as time passes, she starts to realize things aren’t happening exactly the way she remembers…

Disclaimer: All characters are the property of their respective creators.

Notes: Bonus fic! May the Fourth be with you :D

Part 1 | Part 3 | Coda

Varykino.

At long, long last, Padme and Anakin had arrived at the retreat. And, despite the fact that their trip had been uneventful, and their audience with Queen Jamillia had been slightly more decorous than the first time, she’d still been carrying some kind of tension in her shoulders right up until the moment the lake house came into view.

But now they were here--where they’d been happy--and she could finally relax.

The gondola bumped to a gentle halt at the dock. Anakin leapt out with easy grace and offered her a hand.

She accepted it with a smile--his hand was warm and steady and sure, calloused in a familiar, comforting way. “Thank you,” she said, once she’d joined him on the dock.

He bowed silently in acknowledgement; then, half a heartbeat later, seemed to realize he’d forgotten to let go of her hand. He flushed and dropped it. “Sorry,” he murmured.

“Don’t be,” she said, which only made him turn redder.

“I...uh,” he stuttered, then took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “We should...we should go on up, Pa--milady. We’re more exposed than I like down here.”

“All right,” she said, and lifted her skirt out of the way so she could.

He walked with her, between her and the railing where he had the flexibility to defend her against a threat coming from any direction. He was quiet, and seemed a little nervous. She thought, for half a second, about tripping and letting him catch her--it might break the tension a little bit, and it would be nice for him to hold her, however briefly. Plus, he seemed shy, much more so than he had been last time, and that sort of thing always worked in the cheap romance novels she definitely did not read.

On the other hand, that risked damaging her dress, and it was one of her favorites. And she and Anakin had a few days here, at least. Probably. There would be plenty of time to be held.

Besides, it was...nice, to just walk beside him for a moment, their hands almost-but-not-quite touching in a dance they’d perfected (they would perfect?) over the course of their marriage. Although she could have done without his obvious nerves, sharpening the sweet stillness of the quiet moment.

Evidently, it was starting to wear on him, too; just as they reached the top of the stairs, he said, “It’s...very beautiful here.” He glanced down at her, and quickly looked away.

“It is,” she agreed. “It’s one of my favorite places in the whole galaxy.” Because of you. ...well, I mean--not only you, and not like--I wouldn’t use this as an excuse to call you beautiful, although you are, but--memories. My memories of you here are--good. That’s all.

And now she was blushing, and profoundly grateful for her extensive experience in professional politics giving her a halfway decent verbal filter. Because otherwise that would have been--

She would have revealed a lot more than she could ever, in good conscience, tell him.

“I can see why,” he was saying, staring out over the lake, his hands drifting aimlessly over the balcony railing.

“I’ve been coming here for years,” she said. “Ever since I was a little girl. We would come here for school retreats, and swim out to that island every day. We would lie on the beach and let the sun dry us, and try to guess the names of the birds singing.”

It was the same story she’d told last time, the one that had gotten him to kiss her--with a slight difference. Hopefully, it would get her the same result without upsetting him first. She wanted this to be a purely happy place for him, without reminding him accidentally of how--different their childhoods had been. How painful his was, by comparison.

“I’ve never done that before,” he said. “Anything like that.”

“Well, we’re here now,” she said, her hand slipping over to rest on his. “We could.”

He looked down at her, at their joined hands. “We could.”

She leaned up to kiss him--it felt like the right thing to do, just as she’d hoped. Just like last time, And, for one blissful moment, he softened against her. She was about to reach up, to wrap her arms around him and deepen the kiss, when--

He pulled away. Again.

“I shouldn’t have done that,” he said, withdrawing his hand as well and gripping the railing tight. “I’m sorry.”

“I--I’m sorry,” she echoed, a little uncertain. This isn’t like him...

He cleared his throat and pushed away from the railing. “If you’ll...if you’ll excuse me, Senator, I really should...I should familiarize myself with the...with the perimeter.”

“I...of course,” she said. “If that’s what you think is best.”

He bowed. “Thank you, milady.” With quick, sure steps, he crossed the deck and went back down the stairs at the side.

That...went about the same as last time, at least? she thought, watching him go with no little confusion. It certainly could have gone worse. But it hadn’t--it was not at all what she’d expected to happen, when she kissed him.

She sighed, and leaned against the railing, staring out over the water. I wonder why he pulled away…

The soft, familiar silhouette of the island on the horizon had no answers.

“You don’t like politicians very much, do you,” she said.

They were out in the meadow by the waterfalls, enjoying each other and a pretty afternoon, and somehow the conversation had wandered here, just like it had before.

“Well, one or two,” he said, with a faint smile, then shook his head. “I don’t know. I’m not sure the system works.”

Oh, yes. This conversation, she remembered all too well. I should have paid more attention here, she thought. I think this was one of the warning signs.

Forewarned was forearmed, though. With any luck, she could use this opportunity to start to gently maneuver him someplace less...dangerous.

“What do you mean?” she asked.

His answer was a surprise.

“It’s...hard to explain.” He shredded a blade of grass and tossed it aside. “I know how it’s supposed to work, but...something is fundamentally broken, in the way the Republic actually functions. Or doesn’t, half the time. But the problem is, the only thing I can think of to replace it would be...it would be worse.”

“Oh?” she asked, very carefully. If he, somehow, already realizes what I think he’s hinting at…

That was a good sign for the future. A very good sign.

“Someone makes the others shut up, listen to each other, and agree on a course of action,” he said flatly.

She paused. “That sounds an awful lot like a dictatorship to me.” Well, we’re halfway there, at least. He acknowledges it would be a bad idea.

“Yeah,” he said. “And--things do get done that way. But what’s sacrificed is…” He trailed off, and sighed. “Like I said. It would be worse, in the long run.”

“It would,” she agreed, relieved. It’s a start, anyway.

“I don’t know,” he said again, then smiled at her. Oh, that smile. “I’m not all that great at politics. These are questions someone else can answer. Someone wise.”

Her breath caught. Oh. She knew she should probably try to walk him back from that thought, too, at least a little bit; but he was looking at her, in a way that--it was warm, and intense, and full of complete faith, and entirely for her.

“You’re teasing me,” she said.

“Never,” he replied, soft and earnest.

For a moment, they sat there, just--letting that hang between them, locked on each other’s eyes. Then, slowly, he reached up as if to touch her face, and she leaned in, and--

He broke eye contact, flushing and dropping his hand, scanning the horizon instead. “Hey, do you know if anyone actually rides the shaaks?” he asked, a little too brightly.

“I...what?” It took a second to wrench her thoughts out of the moment she’d thought they were having and catch up to him.

“I bet I could,” he said, getting to his feet. “Watch this.”

“Anakin--”

But he was already off.

What...what just happened? she asked herself, again. Was this another thing Master Jinn had changed somehow?

She groaned a little, frustrated, and flopped back in the grass, staring up at the clouds. We were right there. He was about to kiss me, I know he was!

She found herself, for the first time since learning about it, deeply resenting the Jedi Master’s extended influence in her beloved’s life.

And then she felt a sharp stab of guilt, because in the grand scheme of things, it appeared to be a net positive for Anakin’s overall stability. Besides, Master Jinn and Obi-Wan had been so close, it must have meant the world to him to have his Master a little bit longer--or, well, it would have, if he’d known the alternative.

Master Jinn’s impact on her ability to kiss her husband, by comparison, was a small, petty thing.

“I am a horrible person,” she announced to the sky, then sighed, gathered her skirts, and stood up to follow Anakin. The herd here didn’t tolerate riders very well--he hadn’t gotten hurt when he’d been thrown the first time, but if that changed, she wanted to be there to help him.

And she tried, with all her might, to stop fretting about that almost-kiss.

Padme found him, late that evening, in the darkened sitting room, curled up on the couch and staring pensively into the fire.

She hesitated in the doorway for a moment, trying to decide the best way to--this had turned out to be a lot harder than she’d expected. She had a new appreciation and understanding for how hellishly awkward Anakin had been the first time around. Even for her, whose job it was to put difficult concepts into words, it was hard, so hard, to do that with a love like theirs. Hard to be the first one to speak.

Almost as hard as it was to stay silent. To resist.

But they’d danced around it long enough. It was time for her to take a more direct approach.

Steeling herself, she slipped into the room to join him. As she came up behind the couch, she absently, on instinct--or maybe muscle memory--she ran her fingers through his hair.

...oops.

She had always done that; she loved its softness, the way the texture was subtly different each time he came home to her, as it grew out.

But they weren’t together now (not yet, at least). She had to remember that. So he wasn’t--she didn’t get to play with his hair like this.

She was about to withdraw and apologize--way to get the conversation off to a good start, Padme--but then…

He leaned into her caress, just a little, just enough that she felt it, his eyes drifting closed.

It felt like--

It felt like home.

Her heart ached to see and feel him slowly relaxing under her touch, just like he used to do; quiet, despite everything, if only for a moment; flickers of warm light danced across his face, his lashes casting soft shadows on his cheek; beautiful. (He had always called her beautiful; she wasn’t really sure he knew that he was, too.)

And she longed to sit next to him, to pull him against her, to kiss him and just make this moment last as long as she could because it was never, never enough; and he was so sweet and sad and handsome and kind, and she wanted him to stay that way, like he was now, like he had been--not here at Varykino the first time, but not at the end, either; a year ago in her memory, maybe--weary and scarred, yes, but not yet broken; and she...and she…

“I wish…” she said, and her voice caught.

He looked up at her, eyes opening wide and dark and soft and so, so sad in the firelight.

...is this cruel? she asked herself. Am I--am I being cruel to him? She knew how he felt--he was just as transparent as he had been last time--but every time he touched her, he pulled back as if he’d been burned. She just couldn’t figure out why. He was trying, maybe, to be what he was supposed to be. To be a good Jedi, and keep his distance, and follow the rules.

Maybe she should stop. Step away. Let him stay at arm’s length, if that was what he really wanted. If that would ease the pain burning in his eyes, then--

No, she thought. No, he loves me, and telling him he can’t--isolating him--will only hurt him a different way. Either way, it hurts us both. And either way, it opens a...it maybe lets Palpatine in. But if I keep him close, I can help him this time. I know what I’m doing now. I can save him, before it’s too late. And if--and if it’s going to hurt either way...at least we’ll have each other. And the pain will be worth it, because there was joy, too. We can have that again. If we’re together, we can--we can have that again. And this time, we won’t lose it.

Not that they could stay exactly like this, in this moment, forever--as much as she would like that, people changed; things changed, and not all change was evil. But they would have each other. Everything else--everything else was details. They could handle it as it came.

“I wish…” she repeated, and stroked his hair again, searching for the right words.

“I know,” he whispered, and closed his eyes again.

She sighed, and reluctantly pulled her hand away. She moved around the couch to sit next to him. He shifted--not withdrawing, just making room. He pulled his cloak a little closer around him, hands disappearing up his sleeves the way they always did when he was nervous.

For a moment, the two of them just sat there. Side by side, not touching, not even looking at one another; the air heavy with all the things they were about to say.

A log snapped in the fireplace, the noise startling her a little and cutting through the still tension.

She took a deep breath, and finally spoke. “Anakin,” she started, then, “Ani, I...these past few days, here with you, have been…” She trailed off, trying to find the right word. Confusing. Thrilling. Intoxicating. Magical.

“A dream,” he finished for her. He looked up at her, eyes soft and shadowed and full of all the love she could have wished for--and pain. There was so much pain there, still; it broke her heart. “It’s been...it’s been like a dream.”

“Yes,” she said. She reached out and touched his hand. He didn’t pull away. “And I don’t...I don’t want it to end.”

He closed his eyes and swallowed. “I can’t,” he said, his voice breaking a little. “I can’t. It’s not that I don’t want--would ever not want--but…” His hand was trembling against hers. “From the moment I met you, all those years ago, not a day goes by where I don’t...think of you. And being near you again is...it’s...I-I look at you, and I...I can’t breathe. There’s nothing I…” He paused. Took a breath. Tried again. “I would die for you,” he finished simply. “I would do anything for you. But I…”

Silence for a moment, other than the soft crackling of the fire.

“All you...all you have to do, all you’ll ever have to do for me is--is be there. Be you.” She lightly touched his cheek, turning his head to face her. “All right?”

His eyes still closed, he leaned into her hand a little. “I don’t want to make your life harder,” he whispered. “I don’t want...to hurt you.”

“So you’re...so you’re walking away from me?” This wasn’t--this didn’t feel real. Anakin wasn’t--he hadn’t--

Since when is Anakin the practical one in any relationship?

“What else can I do?” he pleaded, opening his eyes and meeting hers again at last. They were glittering a little in the firelight, with unshed tears. “How would it end? If we do this, if we stay here in this dream, if we--it would destroy us.”

“It doesn’t have to be like that,” she said, gripping his hand a little tighter. Her voice cracked a little, and her own eyes had started burning. “We can find a way, we can make this work, Ani--”

He pulled his hand away and stood up. He was actively crying now; he ran his sleeve over his eyes to wipe it away. “I am...here, to protect you, Padme,” he said, very quietly, then corrected himself. “Milady.”

“Anakin,” she said.

He paled a little. He wouldn’t look at her. “I can’t,” he said. “I’m sorry.” He turned and fled, without remembering to bow.

This is--this is wrong. How did it all go so wrong? How can I--how can I help him if he won’t let me? How can I--how can--

He was leaving her.

Her world was crashing down around her because it felt like he was leaving her. And, no, they weren’t technically together yet, not here, but she remembered being married to him for three years, and he had been the one pushing for this the first time, but now--now--

She couldn’t imagine her life without him in it. Without his smile to look forward to, even at a distance; without his love to sustain her through the dark times ahead. Just the thought of it was--

“Don’t go,” she whispered, even though it was too late and he couldn’t hear her now. “Please don’t go. Stay with me. Stay with me, please…”

Only the hollow crackling of the fire answered her.

She buried her face in her hands and cried.