#how can i have faith i can do sth when i never did

[vechter]

Top 5 Dick and Bruce moments or things

it's gotta be what faith tells dick in JLA (1997) #73

just the implications of it all. how bruce recognizes he hurts people, whether its criminals or the people who have chosen to love him. but still. still. he is immensely and immeasurably proud of dick. he can never say it, he wouldn't know how to even begin to tell dick how much dick means to him. also the crazy thing- we all know dick is insane about bruce and how endlessly devoted he is to him. but bruce is equally insane about him in his own neurotic way. he puts dick on a pedestal (he is right to) but just how fucked up of him. bonus scene from the obsidian run (#76) that always makes me grin:

2. this one is from robin: year one (2000) #4

so bruce fired dick after two face nearly beat him to death with a bat and dick ran away and managed to end up joining a league of assassins vengeance school under this dude named shrike. i won't bore you with even more plot but something about this panel just kills me. they're both so lonely and desperate for each other's partnership. bruce knows he miscalculated firing dick even if it was for dick's safety- dick isn't going to stop being a vigilante just bc batman said so (bruce u fucking idiot) and i think this instance of firing, while glossed over later in favour of the whole two-face of it all did sth that changed their dynamic fundamentally and irrevocably. it is probably the catapult for all of dick's future doubts and insecurities about his role and place in bruce's life. meanwhile, bruce giving dick agency in what he wants to do next- he needs dick just as much as dick needs robin. it's incredibly sad because i think there is a part of bruce that believes dick is only coming back to be robin, a doubt furthered when dick eventually forms the titans and loses all semblance of a life outside the mask.

3. this one is from outsiders: five of a kind - nightwing/boomerang (2007)

basically, dick decided to hand over the outsiders to batman and this is owen boomerang, the son of the guy who killed tim's dad. this is post-adoption so dick is more secure in his role as bruce's son. and just sth about how dick won't stand for people criticizing bruce, even when he might be thinking unfavourably of bruce. bc he can do that. but other people? no dice. also the added angst from owen talking about his own dad and his own version of legacy. i like to think dick probably felt some type of way about owen yelling out 'he was my father' bc while dick probably hasn't ever verbalized that, he has probably felt similarly.

4. batman (1940) #636

bruce brooding over the past. little does he know his second son is back and ready to haunt him literally instead of metaphorically lol. but anyway, this always makes me froth at the mouth. both bruce and dick have a tendency to look back on those years very, very positively and something about how nostalgia warps your memories but also how much of it is nostalgia and how much is truth? bruce is forever living in the past. @nighhtwing summarizes one of bruce's core truths in their fic Hereditary beautifully: Bruce has lived with grief longer than he’s lived without. It’s easy, then, to mourn this moment even as it’s in front of him, alive.

5. basically all of the comic batman/nightwing: bloodborne (2002). one of the most stellar pieces of bruce and dick writing. the art's a little funky but the story is fantastic. the devotion dick has. it's debilitating, it could kill him. it should have (thinking about the blast dick took for bruce in infinite crisis and how it was supposed to have killed him). the same toxin and anti-toxin runs through their veins. something about the intimacy and inherent religious imagery and nature of sharing blood. but it isn't even a cursory thought to dick. of course he will put himself in death's way if it means being able to save bruce. dick's biggest fear: being unable to save bruce like bruce saved him all those years ago. the way it all takes place on the anniversary of his parents' death. fantastic, killer, devastating show-stopping even.

[valkyrieandstrangeridingaragorn]

I really dislike Disney's new trend of "the girl saves the villain" that's been done with both kylo and loki

I don't even think that's the case with loki but the more i read about how the fandom interprets sylki the more i get this vibe, and while i don't exactly like rey and kylo/ben as a couple i can see how rey may have impacted his choice for redemption, she showed him compassion and had faith in him that he decided to twist to his own good

But in case of sylvie and loki i can't really see how sylvie treats loki any different than the people in his life that made him like that in the first place

I've also seen metas discussing that loki was so attracted to sylvie because she is a braver version of him one that he lacks the strength to be like her and while I don't want to bash sylvie but she is not brave she is vengeful try hard as i can i still can't see a single thing about her that makes her more powerful than other lokis, her backstory is almost the same as every varient in the tva only she is the one that managed to escape in the dumbest way possible? I still don't understand why she wasn't eliminated by the TVA for so long

Ones she escaped she must have had some time to try to figure out how this technology works cause as shown by the show she only spent a couple of hours in the TVA before her escape, and even if she did figure it out and the tva had been hunting her for so long why couldn't they just prune the timeline she hides in and get rid out her?

Thinking about this show hurts my brain tbh, and seeing the two couple compared to each other just made sth break loose in me

The biggest difference for me is Rey is good... but Sylvie is not. I know a lot of people tend to see someone with a "troubled past" and they're super quick to defend and justify the character no matter what they do (WF handles the story beautifully but the amount of fans I've seen justifying Namor really makes my skin crawl), but that's just not the way to go.

In Sylvie's case it's the same as Namor's, what part of her story means she's good? She's seen torching people alive, enchanting both agents and innocents at will, she's completely selfish and everything she does is for her own petty revenge. The only character in the series who never hurts an innocent is Loki. He's the only one.

So to claim that the girl saves the boy it's laughable. That implies the boy is bad but the girl is good, except we know she's not and the same attributes that are condemned in him are praised in her on the basis that it is her doing them.

But to claim that Sylvie is a braver version of him... oh my. How funny. So Classic Loki escaping means he's a coward but when it's her escaping that means she's brave? So brave that her method of violence is enchantment? Don't they see the irony in that? 😂😂

If her actions had been done by Loki they would be against them, they just don't want to admit that because the framing supports that.

PS. I agree with you about Reylo by the way. I'm not a fan, especially when Finn was right there! I loved those 3 characters but the story was so bland... oh well. We'll always have the throne room fight + Finn and Poe flying the tie fighter

[nerafris]

You are so eloquent and so, so good with words. I feel like I’m reading fragments of a book, which is fun (in a good way). I want to match your energy, but I can’t because I’m terrible at texting to the point that I can’t even form a proper sentence that makes sense. ALL OF THAT to say that you are absolutely right in everything you said. I guess that often when we are mad or frustrated, we say irrational things without considering the consequences of what we are saying.

I like games, but if I have to pay to play certain games, then I’d rather spend my money on something else (unless it’s NFSMW, Pokémon, Mario games, or games for Wii).

Honkai games? Should I google it? I feel like I’m gonna see some titties idk why ahah

Hmm... cars... what? So you don’t want to hear me talk about the new flying car that’s supposed to come out by the end of 2025? :p jk

Why wouldn’t they? Just because you can’t see your own worth doesn’t mean it isn’t there. It doesn’t mean other people think the same. Someday, someone will look at you and think how lucky they are to be with you. You can be in denial about that, but shove your denial up your a$$ because that’s going to happen BECAUSE YOU ARE FUCKING AWESOME

Like i said, it's mostly a consequence of this format, i get access to enough time to properly formulate my thoughts. When i'm actually talking to people in real time i'm a complete stuttering mess (esp if it's in my native language where i gotta cross-translate phrases often to not be too much of a weirdo who can't even speak their native language). And yeah, it's very easy to lash out in frustration at anonymous strangers on the internet and it feels natural, which disappointingly makes it extremely common. Actually so many of our instinctive responses are so toxic which is quite frustrating honestly. Yeah i get that, like i said people engage with stuff on various levels with different priorities. For me gaming is like my primary hobby so i don't hesitate at all to spend money on it. Btw nintendo wasn't really a thing here so i never did get into any of their stuff. Only played pokemon crystal once back in high school on my phone (Cyndaquil is the most adorable starter ever i will fight for him) :3 Also i'm lowkey fake trans cause my fave eeveelution isn't Sylveon, it's Umbreon >_< I'm just hesitant to recommend Honkai games (or Genshin) since while they are f2p, they're also gacha which is just a complete mess and can bait people into spending insane amounts of money. You're safe googling, but there's an absurd amount of fanart for those games and if you search em up here or on twitter you're definitely likely to see some titties ^^ (i'm personally partial to KiaMei, Kafhime and Starch pairings :3) zzzzz... huh wait you were saying sth? :3 Idk, i don't think my stance is entirely baseless, i personally don't see any worth or value to speak of that i could contribute to a relationship really, and in my 30 years of life not a single person has ever expressed attraction towards me so i mean idk how else i'm supposed to interpret that. Not saying that to look for pity or anything, just being honest. As for the 'someday, someone', i acknowledge that anything can happen but i really don't have any actual faith in something like that happening. And tbf partially that's on me too, i can't expect a miracle without putting myself out there, but based on what i just said, you can see why it'd be hard to convince myself to actually do that when it feels completely pointless. And like i said, for friends it's a different story and i do have a few people that enjoy my existence to some degree and i consider us friends (tho honestly even that is a bit of a sore subject), so it's not like i'm *all* doom and gloom ^^

[amerasdreams]

Well we can't adopt the cat bc moms dogs aren't up to date on vaccinations. And she can't get an appointment til late August. So the cat I was looking at will probably be gone by then. 😞

[okkottsus]

PLS READ THIS, its important

i didnt want to have to make this post, but since it has come to this, here we go.

so one day a few weeks ago i woke up to a bunch of messages from people that someone, (who at that time i didn't even know the user or their blog), had claimed that i took gifs from them and recolored them. their ‘proof’ was that my gifs and theirs had the same ‘grain’ and ‘motion blur’ and therefore i had stolen them. naturally i was really shocked to have woken up to this and tried to prove my innocence to all these people, even talking FOR HOURS to prove i was not an elephant and that i make my own stuff. countless times i told these people i was willing to screen record myself while i edit to prove i make them myself. despite this, they said that they do believe i make my own edits so there would be no need for that, but still insisted that i took these specific gifs to add to my set. i even gave this person the benefit of the doubt admitting that my gifs did in fact look quite similar(i did use blur and sharpness in the gifs, nevertheless, since it had been a long time since i made that set i didnt remember the exact settings), but knowing my truth i have not stolen them. (sometime later i learnt from a friend that the gifs i 'stole' were from more than 2 years ago). 

a big issue i had was that they sent other ppl to talk to me on their behalf whilst not directly confronting me about this matter. other than the things i mentioned above, i really had no way to prove i was innocent at this stage. since they would not accept my reasons, i felt they werent willing to listen to my side of things and had already made up their minds long before they confronted me. this matter had already been spread amongst many people (and across a whole server i believe) and they had only reached out to me having made up their mind. i understand being protective of ur work, but the confidence with which they concluded i stole from them was so overbearing, i ended up getting angry. In retrospect, maybe i should have respected their feelings more, so in good faith and after much thought, i deleted the post that was the cause of all this, since its presence made them uncomfortable (this is a compromise on my part, but does not mean im going to admit to sth i havent done).

as one can imagine, this really took a toll on my mental health. it was such a shock to be accused of something i havent done, especially since tumblr has always been one of my safe spaces. out of the blue i was accused of something i have always spoken up against (reposting, stealing content) and no matter how much i tried to defend myself and tell myself i have nothing to hide, i was already noticing none of those people would be open minded and listen to anything i had to say. i thought i could keep creating as normal since i know my innocence and truth, but when some of my mutuals and friends started believing this person without a second thought, kicking me out of events and sideblogs without even talking to me about it, it made me absolutely devastated. (ofc i wont name anyone, since this isnt a call out post. i also chose to leave a certain blog and event on my own, cause i didnt feel safe being in that environment anymore, so pls dont assume).

The thing is, i really did not care if people i didn't even know believed these lies  about me, since i myself know im not guilty. but the fact that people i considered 'friends' didn't even bat an eyelash and very easily believed one side of the story rather than listen to both sides is what absolutely crushed me. after the incident, i decided to take a break from this site to see if i can get my confidence back. Now im starting to feel a bit better and ready to make this post. thanks to the support of people who have reached out and stood by me, i was able to become a lot more hopeful about returning to tumblr. I love love these people so much and they made me see who my true friends are.

moving on from negative situations has never been easy for me, but i’d like to try since its the new year and i still love this site. Creating is an enjoyable and relaxing hobby for me, so i really want to continue doing what i love. im aware that my creations are not be the best out there and im still learning, still trying to find my distinct unique style. but i just want to make it clear that i would NEVER steal from anyone. i have always tried to support as many creators as possible and i value everything that goes into creating, cause i know first hand how hard it can be(even tho i’ve only been editing since may). 

lastly i just want to say thank you if u read this far! this post is in no way a means to call out anyone or create drama, i just couldnt stay silent anymore, i needed to get this out and make my side of things clear. the people who accused me and those who believed them no longer affect me and i hope the same goes for them. you can choose to believe what you want and act accordingly, but I hope that, after reading this post and listening to my side of things, you can approach this situation with an open mind. I also hope tumblr can become a more positive place for creators again and that we dont tackle these issues the way this one was handled. since the tumblr community is so small already, i think we as creators should come together, rather than cause tension with each other.❤︎

i ask of u not to reblog this, just like it so i know u saw it pls, esp if we’re mutuals :)

[Just one more kinda unrelated thing: i’d like to apologise to those who had requested sth for the 1k celebration a while back, i was finished with all the requests, but i deleted everything during my dramatic outburst that day (🤡) and i dont feel like working on the same edits again after all this. I might do sth if i hit another milestone in the future tho, to make it up to u.]

[crazyyfilmyfreak]

The Devil All the Time ( 2020 )

OBVIOUSLY SPOILERS FREE REVIEW

"There's a lot of no-good sons of bitches out there"

Okay alright first of all 

This is not your generic go-to netflix crime thriller if you are watching it with that intention everything is wrong with you 

This Film is dark , not just dark but dark as hell which is filled with gore elements which also includes a multi layered story telling and the film is filled with a group of astonishing cast members and every one of them has a potential to carry the whole film on their shoulders with no hard work but just with grace and ease so these reasons altogether might have over hyped few people's expectations and i think that is the main reason why i am seeing some mixed reviews here and there online or maybe just because you started watching this film with a very wrong intent or wrong mind set like i said before and i am stressing this so much because of in my opinion this film is just perfect maybe there are flaws obviously every film will have flaws but i just couldn't see them ? Maybe because i am a big fan of tom holland i might be little biased but to me this film is top notch and this is a perfect film film 

Now speaking about the cast & film overall 

This is a very slow paced slow burning piece of art 

It takes you to the places you can never think of mentally and it makes you feel completely lost in emotions by the end of the film making you numb 

Antonio Campos is a fucking genius i love his way of story telling 

He's honest , he knows what he is doing , he loves taking risks and he never fears when ever he goes out of the conventional film making style and i very much love how he connected every character in the film like i mean every character in the film is interconnected and if you remove any one character you will feel the void , disturbance and unbalance in the film. 

Film lovers might argue with me or hate me for saying this but i feel this film is so much better than christine 👀🤝🏻 atleast to me ? And this is coming from a person who also loved it a lot 

Now the cast 

I cant speak about everyone in the film because this has such a long list of talented actors 😭 who rocked in the film i am only going to speak abt some of my favourite performances as of now i promise to speak about every other cast member and their performance in the later days coz i am very sure this is a film i am going to talk a lot from now and this is also a film that i am going to watch and enjoy in the future days 

First TOM FUCKING HOLLAND 

I have been seeing this dude's films even before the civil war where he played the spidey role and i always felt he was a very raw and potential actor since his childhood but after seeing him in civil war and spider man hoco its just impossible for me to not like him as an actor ? HE IS SO GOOD ON SCREEN and he makes you believe everything when ever he's on screen maybe its swinging from wall to wall or putting a donut or whatever into a guys mouth while kicking his ass and making it look bad ass af🔥 few might feel this are such a silly examples to say but to me this is about how tom brings a realistic approach to a scene and makes it good and i have always been a big fan of tom holland since spiderman hoco and this is nothing related to tdat but y'all might already know timothee was the second closest option of mcu to cast as spidey and tom grabbed that role ever since tom is just busy with mcu films and where as timothee had a incredible and unbelievable growth as an ACTOR for real to me that is stunning because he did it in such short of span and to me as fan of tom holland part of me was always loving him as spidey but a big heart of me felt a void and sad because tom is missing a lot of great opportunities which has a chance to showcase his real acting abilities which made me think what if timothee got the spidey role instead of tom? Maybe we would have seen a serious tom holland as an actor and this thought killed me everytime but everything happens for a reason and tom holland is undoubtedly the best spidey we have ever got and anyways when films like tdat happen many people realise and understand how great and how fucking incredible tom holland is as an actor and i love when everyone appreciate him for this !! It makes my heart very happy and this is the exact reason why this film is so personal and special to me 

Sorry for completely deviating from the film but this is tumblr and i am not a serious film critic lol so forgive me. 

And speaking about his performance in the film he is just surreal and outstanding . The character that he played is a very complicated one not many relate to that character but every one can understand his emotions, actions and intentions in the film and all the credit goes to tom for bringing a life to that character and playing it in such a beautiful way listen to me very carefully when i am saying this not many actors from this generation can bring bundle of emotions at the same time in a same scene but tom holland does that with such an ease and i stg i am not exaggerating if you watch the film you will know what i mean !! And i am very proud to say i am his big fan 

Now Robbert pattinson 

What the fuck should i talk about this asshole 😂🖕? 

My dude's been killing it since remember me and as an actor like i said in the Tenet Review he has matured a lot as an actor since good time and he played a very powerful and sick role in the film i am not gonna spoil it for others just go and watch the fucking film atleast for him he did a great job and i dont understand how the women and gays are dealing with him? Seriously even as a straight guy its hard for me to concentrate on the film or scenes where ever he's present because this asshole is so fucking hot and sexy 👉👈 The directors should either deglamorise him by making him fat or bald or just hide his face with prosthetic make up or sth just like how directors hide tom hardy's face in every film he's in 🙄. Now coming back to his performance its really hard to dominate him when ever he's on screen dude just want all the attention towards him , such a selfish actor huh 

Bill Skarsgard 

He played a very important and crucial role in the film he maynot have big screen time but we can totally feel his presence through out the film i think this one sentence explains how important his character is to the film and how well he potrayed the role and he's the only guy in the film who got an incredible character growth throughout his journey in the film

Harry Melling 

It would be very unfair if i dont speak about harry's performance in tdat 

DUDE KILLED IT . HE SCARED ME WITH HIS EMOTIONS AND EXPRESSIONS . He didn't even a play a negative role but he just added a lot of depth not only to his character but also the film with his intimidating portrayal 

Sebastian stan 

This is the most honest and a very raw performance from Sebastian stan so far ( i am saying this based on the films that i have seen of his ) i just wish he had more screen time thats the only thing that i didnt like in the film also there are so many blanks that needs to be filled about his character 

Eliza Scanlen

I dont remember her from any film or tv series that i have seen before but she's outstanding in the film , the character doesnt have much something new to offer so i can't speak a lot for her but as far as the character concerned she did her best and her performance is a impressive one and many people are gonna love her . 

Riley Keough 

Unlike the previous films & tv series she's been in 

This film gave her a very challenging role and she's the only women in the film who's been through ups and downs and has a very complicated but a impressive character growth with minimal limitations and dimensions 

She was fabulous and incredible . It just stuns me how the character has begin and how it ended at the end 

And special mention to jason clarke and the old couple who played grandparents ( kind of ) to Arvin Russel and lenora . Not all heroes wear the cape. 

Finally despite the mention of god several times in the film this is not really about god at all its about the DEVIL , The DEMON that carries and plays a very pivotal role in the film you cannot see it but you can sense it and feel it 

Its about the blind faith, its about the irreversible & inescapable fate . I really love how Antonio Campos has connected all the dots by the end of the film with a very impressive film making and with a steady gothic theme running till the end internally and i haven't completely finished the book ( The devil all the time ) but if anyone really wants to completely bring the book life they cannot do it in a single film it will take you atleast 4 or 5 tv series to do so but Antonio Campos did it with a single film and added a very deep meaning to the core of the film w/o deviating from the roots of the book & even touched the aspects like duality of a man and some of you grateful fucks are complaining about him 

OBVIOUSLY films ard subjective but you all need to be more open about this film 

In simple words please fucking watch this film guys 🤗❤ 

This one is not for everyone but everyone will have atleast a small aspect in the film that y'all are going to like / love / hate / discuss about. 

The devil all the time is violent , brutal , honest and perfect in every possible way atleast to me and i really want you all to watch it if you're into such type of stuff 

Remember No country for old men ? Now make it 10 times more violent but add some meaning to it with a realistic approach but more slow burning drama and a little bit of darkness ... now that is what The Devil all the time is .

Gif credits : Milesgmorales

[thedetectiveofinaba]

Last mun post of 2020 - thank God for this year ending & thank you for the life lessons I learned

I'll be most likely offline from Tumblr & Discord for the most of the day to celebrate the New Years with my family & answer most asks after the socializing. Until mentioned otherwise, I'll try to do all Xmas asks/replies until the 1st of January and post them directly.

As for my thoughts about 2020... it could've been worse but I'm not missing it the slightest. It has had its good moments like me finally moving out from my parents' place and getting a peace of mind from that & learning more how to balance my RPing time and other free time + focus on Uni and shitty moments like family drama BS, the crisis I went through due to overanalyzing a kids' game and learning the hard way how letting go of the nostalgic series you had and finding sth else you enjoy more hurts. It has had its good sides and negative aspects I don't regret going through (and instead wish had been easier to process), and this includes in me learning how to RP better and write trauma and angst better when enabled and reeled down so I don't overdo that.

Still... fuck 2020 and its pandemic bullshit and everything this year will represent to some people. Things could have gone better and it will irk people, but at least we all can have faith in knowing that covid-19 stress/this scenario didn't kill us & we are stronger than we thought at first. We all made it alive and more than likely can deal with stress caused by several factors better. If you're still recovering from sth this Hellscape caused, it's OK to take your time and heal properly. Rushing things is never worth it and nobody had any right to assume you to achieve sth only because they did that faster than you did.

Here's to a better year, less pandemic BS aftermaths and more successful and fun life experiences & RPing times.

[freegrain]

Promot - phosie where Hope is for some reason sick "Have you ever treated a sick tribrid? What even happened" or sth like that some angst but a lot of fluff

Heyo, sorry for taking to long, but I hope you enjoy this! {AO3} 

Lights swam before her eyes, too bright for her to stand. And slowly, she dragged herself from unconsciousness. Hope opened her eyes to see Josie hovering over her. 

"Oh, thank God you're awake!" Josie gasped. "I was so worried!" 

"Jo? Hey, uh, what's going-" Hope was cut off by a wave of nausea and she groaned. "What even happened?" 

"You were poisoned. By the manticore," Josie said casually. "We finished it off but it still got to you." 

Hope glanced down at herself and her eyes widened when she saw the bandage winding its way around her torso. It was stained a dark purple. That explained the pain and headache. Hopefully it wasn’t too bad. 

"What…" 

"It… should be curable," Josie said. 

"Should?" Hope tried to sit up but then her head spun and her vision blurred. “Ugh…” 

"Hope?" Her girlfriend sounded worried and she couldn’t blame her. This wound did not seem good. 

Hope blinked her eyes to focus on her. "Where's Penelope?" 

Penelope had been fighting the manticore with her. The beast hadn’t held back when it attacked them and she didn’t see her other girlfriend anywhere. Josie was here but Penelope- 

"Okay," Josie reassured her, taking her hand. "She's actually trying to extract the manticore's venom. For a cure." 

Hope sighed in relief. She was glad. If she lost her girlfriend in a fight, she’d never be able to forgive herself. Not when she could have saved her. But Penelope was a capable witch and able to defend herself. She should have known she’d be okay. 

"Hey, you're going to be okay, alright?" Josie said. 

Hope gave her a weak smile. She couldn't let her see how sharp the pain was, cutting into her stomach like an acid. Soon it would spread through her. She didn’t know how fast acting manticore poison was but oh, maybe she’d find out. 

Josie left and returned, dabbing her forehead with a rag. It was cold against her skin and Hope winced. 

"You're burning up," Josie said, voice falsely calm. 

Hope groaned. "Maybe I'm just hot-" 

Josie rolled her eyes. "That too." 

She left the rag on her forehead in an attempt to still her rising fever. Josie pressed a light kiss to her lips and it was only when Hope noticed how cool they felt in comparison did she realise how unwell she actually was. 

"So… this bad, huh?" 

Josie chuckled. "Bad enough. Maybe now you'll let me take care of you." 

"A pretty girl waiting on me hand and foot? Maybe I will let you." 

Josie blushed despite herself. "Penelope had really rubbed off on you." 

"What? Can't I flirt with my girlfriend?" 

"No, that's my job," said an amused voice. 

Penelope appeared in the doorway, spinning a thin vial between her fingers. A dark bruise was spreading down her arm but otherwise, she looked okay. Hope was relieved. 

"Hey, you're awake," Penelope said as she sat down on the opposite side of her. "How you feeling?" 

"Better now that you're here," Hope grinned. 

"Oh? Oh, she's good," Penelope smiled with a glance at Josie. "Is Hope always like this? Or am I missing something?"

Josie laughed. "Fever-ridden Hope is a bit of a flirt, I think." 

"I like it." 

Penelope offered Josie the vial. "Think we can do something with this?" 

Josie nodded, eyeing the substances. "Definitely. Might take a bit though." 

Hope smiled, though a fresh wave of nausea came over her. "Take your time. I could stare at you two all day." 

"You start, I'll keep our sick girlfriend company." 

Hope shifted over in the bed as Penelope slid in next to her. Josie took the vial and went to the other side of the room. Hope vaguely heard her start to work on making a cure. But her attention was taken by her other girlfriend. 

"Damn, you're warm," Penelope said in a worried voice. 

Hope didn't feel very warm. In fact she cuddled close to Penelope because there was a chill she couldn't get rid of. She shivered and Penelope’s frown deepened. 

"I'm fine," she insisted. 

"I wouldn't trust that," Josie called over. 

Penelope nodded, fingers starting to stroke though her hair. Hope felt bad that she was putting them both through this. She never liked to worry them. That should be her job—she was the tribrid that protected them. 

"Are you okay?" Hope asked. 

Penelope nodded. "A little beaten up. But okay." 

Her girlfriend touched her stomach gently, eyeing the purple bandages. Josie had done a good job at patching her up. 

"Doesn't look good, does it?" Hope whispered. 

Penelope grimaced but didn't answer. 

Her silence was answer enough. Hope sighed. She was starting to feel tired. 

"Rest, okay?" Penelope murmured. "I'll check on Josie." 

She was trying to hide it but Hope knew she was worried. Both of them were. Hope could have been worried but honestly, she was just too weary. The fight had taken a lot out of her. And so when asked to rest, she was only too able to comply. 

Penelope leaned down to kiss her before leaving her side. Hope smiled at her before she drifted off to sleep. 

-- 

"She's not good, is she?" Josie whispered to Penelope as she joined her. 

Penelope shook her head grimly. "She's strong but that manticore stabbed her in the stomach. It will spread." 

Josie sighed. "I'm trying. I don't exactly know how to make a cure from this."

Both of them had taken Chemistry of Magic and knew about making cures but Josie never thought she'd have to make one. If she had, she might have studied harder. But she hadn't and now she had to focus hard to save Hope. 

Penelope sat down next to her. 

"I could try contacting someone." 

"I don't think we have time." 

By the time anyone else made it out there, Hope would be beyond saving. And Josie couldn't let that happen. Hope had gone through so much, she didn't deserve to die sick and poisoned. 

She didn't deserve to die at all. 

So they worked together while Hope slept  Penelope sat close to her, giving pointers when she thought about it. 

Josie was glad she was there with her. If she’d been alone, she didn’t think she’d be able to hold it together. She couldn't lose Hope, didn't think her heart could handle it. 

But Penelope sat by her side as she worked on her potion. She touched her arm, stroked her thigh, just gentle reassurances for both of them. They would get through this. And Hope would be okay. 

Behind them, Hope groaned in her sleep. 

She wasn't getting better. 

Part of Josie had hoped that her supernatural healing would win out over the poison in her system but that wasn't the case. She was dying. And they were the only people who could save her. 

And it wasn't easy. 

Penelope stroked soothing circles across her back as she leaned closer. 

"Mix the elixir," Josie murmured under her breath. "And then add sage…" 

She hoped it was enough. There was only so much they could do. 

"I think that's it," Penelope said gently. 

And it was. This was the end result. 

The cure was a strange orange colour, a few bubbles reaching the surface every few seconds. She didn't know if it would work but there was only one way to find out. 

Penelope kissed her temple. "I believe in you, JoJo. If anyone could do it, it would be you." 

Josie nodded. "Okay." 

She wished she had the same faith in herself but honestly, she didn't. 

Penelope followed her across quietly. 

Josie opened Hope's mouth and she didn't stir, which was a bad thing. Still alive but barely. She poured the cure in and closed her mouth, forcing the liquid down her throat. From there, all they could do is wait. 

Penelope sat on the other side of Hope, taking both their hands in her own. 

"Hey, I'm here," she said softly. "Okay?" 

Josie squeezed her hand. And Penelope squeezed back. 

Hope didn't wake up but her motions ceased. She calmed down. Was she sleeping? Or dying? Josie stared, begging her to wake up. But the cure wasn't immediate and would take time to work. 

And so they waited. And waited. And Josie prayed to whatever force was out there for Hope to survive. 

-- 

"Penelope? Josie?" 

Sometime while watching an unconscious Hope, Penelope had fallen asleep. She hadn't meant to but after such a long and strenuous day, she hadn't had a choice. Her body was taxed. 

She opened her eyes to see Hope blinking down at her. 

Josie sat on the other side of Hope, still asleep. 

"Babe, you're okay," Penelope gasped as she wrapped her in a hug. 

She was cooler too, a good sign that her fever was gone. 

"I feel better," Hope admitted. "It worked. I'm fine." 

Perhaps not completely fine but fine enough that caused for celebration. Penelope kissed her quickly before turning to their girlfriend. Josie looked so cute when she slept. She almost hated to wake her. 

Penelope nudged Josie gently. 

And Josie stirred, staring at the two of them with sleepy eyes. Those pretty eyes then widened when she realised exactly what she was looking at. 

"Hope!" 

Josie hugged her too, pressing her face into her hair. "I was so worried!" 

"You and me both," Hope chuckled. 

"Make that three." 

"I knew I could count on you two," Hope said, still holding onto Josie. "Always here to save me, aren't you?" 

"Well, where would you be without us?" Penelope teased. 

Josie sighed contently and leaned back, arms still holding her like she didn't want to let go. "Though I could do without worrying about you."

Hope chuckled. They could never not worry about each other though. With the lives the led, they were constantly getting into one danger after the next. "There isn't anything that we can't get through. Together." 

Penelope smiled at her girlfriends. Yes, together. Together, they could do anything. 

[whats-the-story-tc]

13th-15th of May, 2020

"The One Where the Mask Drops"

[INCREDIBLY LONG SORRY]

Hey, I'm not dead! And to show you how incredibly not dead I am, let me tell you a story.

It's around 2 AM that Wednesday, I'm going to sleep. God knows I'm incredibly exhausted, but there's one last thing I needed to write into my diary. One last thing I couldn't go to sleep without.

"please be good to me today"

I went to sleep hoping that finally, after two weeks of feeling like shit when I thought about us, the tide would turn.

That morning, it rained. I immediately remembered a rainy Wednesday morning just like this two months ago, when the rain brought V back to me. I got very excited. Things were going to change for the better again, I felt it. Suddenly, I couldn't wait for class.

8:30 AM that morning, I'm getting ready for my 9 AM class. Google Classroom–notif. V. Private message. Uh-oh, I thought. The make-or-break moment, and not a minute too soon.

V: Thank you very much for your work!

I almost laughed out loud. "Wow, [Name], don't strain yourself!" I remember saying as I read it.

One infuriatingly boring English (as a foreign language) class later, it was time for V's class. I was ready five minutes in advance, but as I went on The Platform That Shall Not Be Named... no one was there. I found it odd. Usually, there are a couple of us by now. Anyway, I didn't enter the voice channel. I waited five minutes in solitude outside for someone to show up.

Well, V did. And I wasn't very well going to leave her alone, now, was I?

She greeted me 0.1 second after I joined. I tried not to be awkward about it just being the two of us, I immediately stroke up a conversation. I told her how I was already waiting, all the stuff you guys already know, and she asked if we had any lessons prior. I told her about one third of us having had English just now. We spent about two minutes alone together, as I rambled about the awkward and unfortunate situation and she listened, mostly in silence.

She was very audibly tired, and said very little, that much was to be expected from a 10 AM class. But... I might just be overthinking it, but I heard something there that concerned me. Something crushed and disappointed, something that told me she wasn't expecting only one person to show. There was something painfully lonely in that voice.

Bookworm Friend joined, about 3-ish minutes into class, and Debate Friend a minute or two later, but they were both muted, so I carried on. I asked V to tell us what happened in school in the past two days, what we missed out on, enthusiastically replying to everything I could, so she wouldn't feel like she was speaking into the abyss, so she'd know I was trying my hardest to be there for her. Then she brought up the tests she was correcting at the moment, even naming a really stupid mistake she encountered with a little laugh. But what really smacked me in the gut was when I brought up the small attendance, and she said: "There's nothing we can do." in this very melancholy voice, like she was giving up. She even texted the class group chat that she's waiting.

How do I know that she wasn't just simply tired, and that's why she sounded like that, so worn and discouraged, especially at first? Because as soon as the others, who don't belong in my friends' circle, started showing up, her voice and entire behaviour did a 180°, as if she suddenly woke up. But she didn't. I know for a fact she didn't. Nobody just wakes up that suddenly.

It took me until that afternoon to realise that I'd just spent 5 minutes with the real V, the same V I spoke to in early December, who didn't try to hide her emotions. Not from me.

If you only heard the next thirty minutes of class, you could never tell she was feeling sad to begin with. And there was a LOT to be heard. Starting with how she mispronounced "cheat somebody out of sth" as "EAT somebody out", which is... well... all I'm saying is, I fell on my knees and tried to laugh as silently as I could. Prime moment.

She said something along the lines of "We're all very sober here", after which I just texted my friends:

S: "Darling, you tell us drinking stories every two weeks, would you mind if I didn't believe you?"

and sometime after, this text was also sent, for which I will not be offering context:

S: "[Name], that was enough sex for 10 AM, I'm gonna pass out"

And, of course, after all that went down, V saying "you can't satisfy everyone" sounded VERY different.

At some point, I attempted to joke around, but as she was reading a message in the chat that was sent at the same time, I got quite the half-assed response. But what happened in the last five minutes? Oh, that changed everything.

Art Friend knew how upset I was that V didn't reply at all to my assignment, and I told her I wanted to talk to V about it. During class, she texted me if I still wanted it, and I told her no, because I'm no longer upset with her. And what does this madwoman do? SHE ASKS ABOUT THE ASSIGNMENTS.

V is absolutely enthusiastic, she goes on about how much she liked what she saw and how creative we were. Art Friend asks about hers. Then comes my leap of faith. It's now, or never.

"I hope I didn't go too far..." I said, a bit nervous, not knowing how she'd react. She never did like me trying to undermine myself. And you guys... she chuckled. Incredibly soft and warm and just what I needed to feel at ease. That already threw me off, but then, she followed it up with: "No, I really-really liked it." I could tell she was smiling on the other side of the screen and that she was completely honest. I had to sit down after that, because I just couldn't believe what I heard. That I really just witnessed all that, that I got a reaction I couldn't overthink and/or misinterpret, because I heard it with my own two ears, in real time. I felt like I could do anything in the world.

And yet, the next day, I didn't do my usual notes for her test. Because what did Specs do all evening instead? I was fucking singing. I couldn't deny being a goddamn theatre kid if I tried.

Friday. The day of the test. I'm restlessly taking notes in the morning, but I don't have the time to get into the analytics of poems, only the basics of the dude's life and works. It makes me incredibly frightened, because V's tests are only easy if you come prepared — if you have no clue what she's talking about, abandon all hope. I had absolutely everything open for cheating that I could open, and you guys? I lucked out. Most of the test was just "Explain what [insert quote] means in 2-3 sentences", and if there's something I excel at, as you've probably noticed, it's talking. It was easy as could be.

The only thing making me anxious were my classmates. They were all trying to ask for help, constant questions and begging, everyone is hopeless, because they couldn't give two shits about preparing beforehand. They were all assured some loser was gonna give them the answers. And the some loser was me. I gave it to them, everything except for the final, longer essay. That was private, only meant for V to read. After all, how was I supposed to show them my essay, that ends like this?:

"Even if our existence is finite, it's always worth fighting for happiness."

And yes, yes it is. Always. Look at me. I powered through weeks of a shitstorm, where every single day felt like years, where I no longer knew or cared what was going to happen. And let me tell you, the sun always shines beyond the clouds. You just can't see it yet. But GOD, you will. You will.

I needed time to write this. There's loads going on at the moment, not necessarily V-related, and I'm trying to work my way through it gently enough that I can make it the end sane and healthy. Currently, it's three weeks since all this happened. One and a half weeks left until school ends. I might get to see V in person again, but we'll see how it goes. All I know is that whatever happens, I can do it. Because even if my existence is finite, it's always worth fighting for happiness.

~ S ♡

[Every story I share here, no matter how specific I get with my wording, depicts actual events from my own life.]

[marshmallowprotection]

So I've been reading some of your imagines and I just can't stop smiling. The fluff with Saeran is A+ and I'd like to request sth as well (if request is open,I hope). How about Saeyong, Saeran and V (+ Jumin,Yoosung if not too much) with a S/O who has the habit of refusing to eat when she's really angry or sad (empty?). Like "I don't need (your) fucking food!" or "I don't deserve it." But she's normal again the next day. I'm like that 2 n I know it's bad but I just feel bad eating smts.

This is pretty much how I experience life, except I usually don’t eat with people because I’m basically on a liquid diet for the rest of my life. It can be really weird with how society makes everything center around food, seriously, think about some fun functions and you can’t hardly think of anywhere food isn’t a serious part of the thing. I understand people trying to make you eat with them for the sake of it not being weird, or like, they think they’re doing you a solid by asking you to eat but they usually aren’t. Haha. It’s a little different for you because you just can’t do it when you feel bad, but don’t feel bad, others understand where you’re coming from. Sometimes it’s a little frustrating and you lash out at others because they just don’t get it. 

also sorry this took forever

Saeyoung Choi

”I’m not in the mood, Saeyoung.” 

“Well, if you’re in the mood, then neither am I.” 

This is what you call a stalemate, my readers. Two people staring each other down at the table with a sharp look in their eyes that simply cannot be defeated. 

Seven is going to try to sweat this out with you as long as humanly possible. There’s no stopping him and you just have to accept that he’s about to get under your skin big time. This isn’t something that occurs all that often in your house, but when it does, boy, Saeyoung is determined to get the route of the cause and get you to eat something. That, however, isn’t something that he’s capable of doing the first few times that this happens. 

Seven has always been pretty bad about taking care of himself. I think that’s something that most people pick up on without even knowing him for very long. 

It’s not that he’s punishing himself, or actively trying to not eat anything when he screws up. He just often forgets to go and get actual food into his system when he’s working, and usually just goes off what he has at his disposal while he’s working. It’s a lot of work to get up from his computer and work in the kitchen. 

He’s fortunate that Vanderwood took pity on him and helped him out when he needed actual nutrition. 

It’s a long night when you’ve had a bad day and try to shut down, and while he hates seeing you trying to sabotage yourself, he realizes after his few screw-ups that he needs to help you slowly, rather than try to make you do something you don’t want. He’ll be a lot softer, and not throw a fit to make you eat. The thing that you need most during this time is somebody that understands and can not try to mother hen you with directions. 

He’ll sit there with you while you’re upset, and do what he can to make it easier for you. Seven is relieved when the next morning comes and you’re feeling much better about yourself. He’s going to try his best to make sure these bouts are few and far between, but when they do happen, count on him to hold your hand and reassure you. 

Jihyun Kim

“I just don’t want anything, Jihyun. Leave it at that.” 

“…I understand.” 

As opposed to Saeyoung’s reaction, Jihyun is actually pretty bad about doing this himself except he doesn’t lash out at others when he does it to himself. He just closes himself off to the world and punishes himself by not eating a bite. He really doesn’t think that he’s deserving of such a thing when he feels like he failed both of the Choi boys. It’s just one of the many ways that he uses to get back at himself for feeling like an awful person.

It’s not a great thing, though. It’s something that you both of you need to objectively work on, and try to get better together. That’s just how it’s going to get easier in your house. He’s gotten better about it because you’ve been so persistent with him to take better care of himself because he really needs to be nicer when he’s speaking about and to himself these days. 

Because at one point, you were trying to do the same thing for him that he’s trying to do for you now. 

It’s just different when it comes to helping yourself, he realizes that very fast. Jihyun gives you your space when you find yourself in a mood. He’ll be gentle, and remind you to at least drink something if you are going to forgo eating something that evening. He’s always in the background, making sure that you have anything else that you might need, and when you’re willing to speak with him—

he’s always there waiting for you with open arms. 

He may not always know what the right thing to say it, but that doesn’t mean that he won’t try his best for you. While it’s great to see that he can help you through the night without hurting himself, and seeing you back to your usual self in the morning is great; He really does want to understand why you’re struggling in this way. 

If something’s bothering you, then he wants to be able to help you work through it like you did for him.

Even if it feels like baby steps on the road to recovery rather then big leaps. There will times that he’ll fall back into a bad habit, or you will do the same. It’ll work out as long as you have faith in yourselves and keep trying to find a healthy headspace. 

Saeran Choi

“…I appreciate the effort you’ve made. I just don’t think I deserve food right now.” 

“Y/N…” 

There’s always this pained look in his eyes when he realizes that he can’t do anything for you to make this easier to handle. 

Look, there have been times when he has denied himself food at all for the sake of his work. He was made to believe that he wasn’t worthy of that unless he proved himself during the day or with his work. So this kind of thinking that you have isn’t all that far away from what he’s dealt with before in his life. So, he’s definitely somebody who understands where you’re coming from when you say that. In fact, 

I think he gets it better than anyone else. It doesn’t mean that Saeran likes it when you think so poorly of yourself. 

For a long time, he believed that you were perfectly alright, and the things that you told him to do—

were things that you practiced in your own daily life. He never did imagine that someone like you could be struggling with your own demons. You’re just as human as anyone else, he realizes, and it’s that realization that really helps him start to work to harder at treating you like that. 

He’ll give you space if you storm off in a huff. 

If you stick around, then he’ll do his best to take your mind off of whatever has bothered you to this point. He’ll try just about anything to make a smile come back to your face, if he has to play something for you, or if he has to read something to you, this boy is dedicated to your mind, body, and spirit, he’s out here pulling out all the stops when he can. 

There are times when he doesn’t have a lot of energy either, and he wants to shut down as well. Those nights are the ones where it’s hard for you both to cope. 

that’s when you guys just sit in the dark and talk about the things that are bothering you until they’re gone like the wind. 

It’s a long process of trial and error, just like anything else in life, and as long as the both of you are trying to work on yourselves together, then things will be okay. 

💜 Mod Kait 💜

[outerspaceisbetterthannothing]

Blame [Surgeon!Calum AU] Ch.3

Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 7

Summary: What do you do if the only person you feel the connection to is the person you blamed for your sibling’s death?

A/N: This thing came up from my headass asks to wonderful Summer about neonatal surgeon!Calum au, which you can see here and here and here to understand the concept. I didn’t plan to do it at all, but the idea stuck in my mind and with support and encouragement from Summer, I came up with that. This is my first time publishing anything on Tumblr, so the feedback is extremely appreciated. Enjoy

Warnings: much less angst (I promised it’ll get better very soon), couple curse words, lack of proofreading

Chapter 3

The morning was gloomy just like Anna’s mood. She yawned again and switched off the stove, her fried eggs almost ready. She grimaced, moving them to the plate and sitting at the table. She didn’t like fried eggs, but that was basically the last piece of food in her fridge.

She remembered yesterday’s wish to cook something for dinner. Like there was anything to actually cook.

She added grocery shopping to the to-do list she was currently making up in her head and winced at too bitter taste of coffee. She ran out of milk… when exactly? Last week?

Anna wasn’t typically so bad at housekeeping. But last week’s events really messed with her routine. If things had gone differently, she wouldn’t have sat here having breakfast out of the last two eggs from her fridge. She would have been staying at Staten Island with her parents, helping around the house. She’d planned to be back to her flat the very morning of her first classes and purposefully emptied her fridge not really wishing to deal with spoilt leftovers. Now she had to adapt to new circumstances.

She finished her eggs and gave it another thought. It was Thursday morning. She was about to leave to her parents’ the next afternoon and stay at their house for as long as possible. Was it reasonable to go grocery shopping now? Or better fall back into the sinful habit of takeaways?

The very moment she was tossing between those two options, her phone vibrated shortly.

Anna took a deep breath and checked her messages. It was Ally. Anna felt her heart slowing down. Of course it was just Allie and not him.

“Jo’s cooking lasagna tonight, so I thought about grabbing some Thai food. What do u say? Noodles and wine?”

Anna couldn’t help smirking to that. Jo had an Italian Grandma, who she’d never seen in her life. Grandma Falsetti died pretty young, couple years before Jo’s Mom and Dad even met. Nevertheless Jo felt some deep connection to her late Grandma Falsetti. This connection came out in a peculiar idea that Jo had a secret talent to cook true Italian lasagna. How and when that idea settled in Jo’s eccentric mind girls had no idea. But every now and then Jo tried to prove her secret and probably yet sleeping cooking talent. She bought everything the little Italian grocery shop nearby could offer and started another crusade towards her dream dish. It would have been probably an easier task if she’d ever looked up any lasagna recipes. But Jo didn’t believe in online cookbooks and instead had an absolute faith in her spiritual connection to Grandma Falsetti. Allie and Anna never questioned that connection. They learned after the first lasagna dinner that Jo was her own fiercest critic, and every result of her desperate attempts to wake up her Italian roots was eventually thrown away. And every lasagna dinner was easily turned into a pizza dinner. Or Chinese dinner. Today it was Thai. Anna particularly adored lasagna dinners for their optimistic spirit. Jo, being a crazy passionate optimist, was never taken down by her failures in the kitchen and kept repeating that every experience was an experience. At least now she knew several wrong ways to cook lasagna, which only brought her closer to the right one.

Today’s invitation, being welcoming and well-timed on its own, also solved her grocery shopping dilemma.

Annabelle typed back “Sure! Will be there by 8. Wine’s on me” and wanted to switch off the phone but halted, her gaze settled at the contact name of the next dialogue. Her heartbeat picked up its pace again. She opened the tab, scrolled up to the very beginning and started rereading their messages. As if she hadn’t already learned them by heart.

She remember last night’s hesitation and sudden urge to text him. Still hadn’t quite understood what made her do it. And of course the first ever idea of what to type was exactly as silly as all her words said or sent to him so far.

23.46 “What would’ve happened if I’d taken a coffee?”

Even several hours later she still blushed rereading that. Why couldn’t she have started with simple “Hi” or “It’s Anna, sorry to bother”? Why her subconscious was making her look ridiculous?

23.47 “There would’ve been one coffee less on the table in the on-call room”

The speed and simplicity of his answer was calming and exciting at the same time. He stated that just like they were continuing a conversation they’d paused a minute ago and not fifteen hours. It made her almost dizzy. To the point of completely losing her mind judging by her next questions.

23.48 “That easy?”

23.49 “That easy”

23.49 “And nothing more?”

23.50 “And nothing more”

Anna dropped her phone on the table and hid her face in her hands, groaning quietly. Such a dumbass…

She recalled staring at his short unimaginative responses last night for couple minutes. After which she’d remembered about good manners.

23.54 “Sorry for the late night messages”

“Especially so stupid ones,” she thought now.

23.55 “I’ve at least 8 more hours on a shift so not so late night for me”

23.55 “Oh, ok”

The sounds, that were Anna’s reaction to that fine piece of epistolary genre, were hardly human.

23.56 “Working tmrrw too?”

23.57 “No, days off till Sat. Y?”

Anna’s hands started shaking again, almost like last night when she was typing her next message, praying at the same time for an alien invasion which would instantly block all the mobile connection and stop her from finishing her question. Whatever impediment this insane world could offer would actually do, she’d thought, cause she wasn’t able to stop her fingers from typing and feared to death to actually ask him what she was about to ask.

23.59 “Could we maybe meet up? For a coffee or sth? I really need to talk to you”

She still couldn’t believe she wrote about coffee. But as usual realisation came after she pressed send. She’d sat on her bed after that biting her fingers nervously and looking at three little dots showing on his side of the screen.

00.00 “Sure. Fri noon ok?”

Annabelle hadn’t noticed she’d hold her breath till she got that text. She’d gasped for air and almost jumped on her bed.

00.01 “Yeah, totaly”

00.02 “Let’s hold on to that, but i’ll confirm tomorrow evening in case they call me in overnight”

00.02 “Yeah, cool”

00.03 “Goodnight then”

Anna exhaled loudly rereading that last message from him for a thousandth time at least.

Why that simple sign of politeness was raising such sensation in her? Why did she see something more than just politeness behind those two words? And why everything about that man was so damn intense?

***

“It’s all about the right mood,” Jo repeated for the third time, putting her future masterpiece in the oven.

“Whose mood exactly?” mocked her Allie. Jo continued staring into the oven through the thick glass and didn't pay much attention to her friend’s words.

“Yeah, Jo, whose mood?” joined Anna, “A cook’s?”

“Or maybe guest’s?”

“No, no, no, I know! It’s all about the lasagna’s mood!” Anna started giggling, mostly because of her fair share of wine, consumed while Jo was cooking.

Jo smirked, standing up. “You are absolute bitches today, ladies! Congratulations!”

Anna and Allie raised glasses in a joky toast from the opposite side of a kitchen island.

“So, how are your parents?” Allie asked in much more serious tone.

Anna put her glass down and shrugged silently. Jo sent Allie disapproval look.

“You’ve seen my Mom in the hospital. She tries to act normal. But of course it’s hard. It’s hard for everyone,” finally said Anna. “I don’t even know what is worse, the way she acts now, or if she spent all her time alone and crying and mourning.”

“Of course second option is worse, darling,” said Jo softly.

“But shouldn’t you like… go through it. You know, anger, depression, all that stuff. I feel like she’s stuck in her denial phase. What if she’s actually harming herself that way?”

Jo was obviously lost for words. Allie sighed deeply and noted, “Everybody copes their own way. Knowing Jennifer, it’s quite understandable that she doesn’t want other people to see her grief. She’s exactly that type of woman who’d cry for three days and then stand up and go on with her life. She was never the one to dwell.”

Anna nodded, took another sip of her wine. “I get it. And you right. It’s just. I don’t know, I feel like I miss on something. The way they react… We did have time to prepare to any outcome, knowing about Grayson’s heart condition for some time. But… I sometimes feel like they overcame it in like couple hours. I know they actually didn’t, they do grieve. But the fact that they don’t really show it leaves me confused. Because I don’t understand anything. What should I do? Should I cry? Should I be angry? Should I let go and act it like there were no baby at all? I cried with my Mom the very first day, I had my gush of anger. But now…” she shook her head. “I’m literally at a loss. And my emotions are at a verge. One moment I’m completely alright, the next I’m sobbing in the middle of a parking lot. I mean, what is wrong with me?”

“Hey, nothing is wrong with you,” reassured her Jo, while Allie simply hugged Anna and stayed like that. “There is no instruction that will tell you how you should feel. Because there’s no should, Belle. You just feel, the way you do. And if it means crying in the middle of the fucking parking lot, then fine!”

Anna snorted to that, feeling tears in her eyes. “I just feel like a freak.”

“You’re not. You are hurting. It’ll take time. Just give it some time,” almost whispered Allie.

“Guess, you’re right.”

Anna took another sip of her wine and went faster, like she just remembered it. “About Saturday, there’ll be no funeral. Mom wanted cremation. So it’ll be just a little memorial-ish stuff at our house, nothing official at all. Only family and closest friends. Will you come anyway?’

“Of course, darling,” confirmed Allie. “Noon?”

“Yeah.”

They kept silence for some time, drinking and not looking at each other. Then Jo, visibly hesitating, decided to ask. “Belle, is Bryan going to come?”

Allie rolled her eyes to that question and Anna snorted.

“Yes, Jo, I’m sorry to upset you, but Bryan is going to be there. We messaged yesterday and he confirmed, that he won’t leave for school till Monday.”

“Messaged?” Jo asked in slight confusion. “You didn't talk to him?”

Anna shrugged nonchalantly, than added. “Wasn't feeling like talking.” And set her gaze at the wine glass she was twisting in her fingers.

Jo looked at Allie, who shook her head asking Jo to drop the topic. Jo widened her eyes in fake innocence when Anna sighed and gave in. “Say it,” she stated firmly.

“What?” Jo decided to continue acting innocent.

“Whatever you wanted to say. Just say it.”

“I just-” Jo hesitated for a moment, which made Anna look up at her friend in mild surprise. If there was one thing Jo could never be accused of it was hesitation. “Don't you think it's rather odd, Belle? He’s your boyfriend of more than three years and you wasn't feeling like talking to him in the probably darkest moment of you life.”

Anna frowned and looked at Allie. “Do you think it's odd too?”

Allie shook her head finishing her wine. “Can you please keep me out of this conversation?” she said, when realised that her friends’ gazes didn't move from her.

“No?” Anna raised her eyebrows.

Allie rolled her eyes at Jo and looked at her empty glass. “Well, I guess, it is a little odd. I guess if I was in the relationship I would want the guy to take care of me in such moment,” she shrugged. “But everybody's different. And if you feel like being alone, it seems totally fine to me,” she concluded, stressing her last words and looking at Jo again.

“Well, I'm sorry for being so hard-heartedly honest, but it doesn't really seems fine to me,” stated Jo.

A loud sound struck in the settled silence. Anna looked back at the couch where she left her phone. “To tell the truth, Jo, Bryan is definitely the last of my problems right now.”

She stood up and stepped to the couch to check the message. She was intended to keep her face emotionless not to give much away (mostly because there was literally nothing to give away), but she couldn't help her smile when she saw the contact name.

“Still up for that coffee?”

Her fingers started typing before she even thought about her reply. She waited a moment till he sent her an address of a little coffee shop next to the NY public library, switched her screen off, went back to the kitchen island and realised that girls’ gazes were on her all that time.

“What?” she played dumb under Jo’s questioning look.

“Who was that?” Jo obviously had a hard time trying to suppress her curiosity. Anna looked at her, then at Allie, who as usual wasn't giving much away, but was definitely interested too.

“That was…” Anna stumbled. How would she explain all of it?

“Don't say that was nobody!” exclaimed Jo. “I swear, Belle, if you say it was nobody, I'll steal you phone and look.”

Anna was taken aback. “Hey, chill, would you? Why does it even matter?”

“Because you smiled,” quietly said Allie and Anna felt almost betrayed.

“And not just smiled! You smiled your special little smile,” continued Jo as she started to slightly bounce on her tiptoes impatiently.

“Special smile? I don't have any special smiles, what are you even talking about?”

“You do,” noted Allie matter of factly.

“See? Thank you, Allie! Now spill the beans!”

“There's nothing to spill. It was Dr. Hood.” She took a bottle and poured herself more wine, but mostly just to occupy herself with something cause she suddenly felt awkward.

“Dr. Hood?” Jo repeated in disbelief and Allie almost choked on her wine. “Is it that hot doctor we saw staring at you at the hospital?”

“Well, yes,” Anna confirmed, still not risking to look at her friends.

Jo shrieked and spinned throwing her arms up in the air. “I knew it!” she yelled looking at Anna with excitement. “I knew there was something between the two of you!”

“There’s literally nothing between us, I swear,” Anna said holding her hands up in calming gesture.

“Wait, first things first! How did it even happen that you text?” bursted Allie being as excited as Jo, to Anna’s utter bewilderment.

“Well, he gave us his card, you know, just in case, when Mom only got to the hospital,” Anna explained.

Jo gave a whistle. “So it was you who texted first? I can say that I've never been so proud of you, my little Belle!”

Anna sighed and hid her head in her hands. “It’s absolutely not like that, Jo!” she groaned. “Can you not, please?”

“Then just tell us!” begged Jo.

“I shouted at him, okay?” Anna confessed, still hiding her face. Then she took a deep breath, took her hand off of her face and met two shocked stares. “The gush of anger I had,” she started explaining. “It was the very night Grayson died. I'd been hiding in the hospital corridors for some time, needed some privacy to bail my eyes out, you know. And then I decided to come back to my Mom's room and I saw him in a hall. And… it was really awful. I blamed him for everything, said he hadn't saved my brother, that it was his fault. Then started crying again. An absolute mess.”

Anna shook her head on the unwanted memory.

“What did he do?” Allie asked softly.

“Nothing much. He held me the whole time I was crying, ‘s all.”

The room was silent for some time.

“So why did you text him?” finally asked Jo.

Anna looked up at her. “I asked him to meet me. I need to apologize properly for what a horrible person I was to him.”

“Anna,” Allie gasped putting her hand on Anna’s back and stroking her soothingly. “You aren't a horrible person. You were devastated by your loss. What you did is more than understandable.”

Anna chuckled bitterly. “It wasn't actually the only shit thing I did.”

“What?”

“The day you came to visit my Mom, I was sitting on the bench in front of the hospital that morning. I was sitting there every morning before entering, actually. Needed a moment to myself, you know. So he sat next to me and offered coffee he’d bought for me. And I just shoved him off like a total bitch. And he just tried to be friendly.”

“Belle, I'm sure he understands,” tried to reassure her Jo.

“Of course, he does,” Annabelle agreed. “But that's not the point at all. The way I acted, that's not me. I'm not that person and I need him to know it. I can't explain, but I just can't leave it like that. I owe him an apology no matter what reasons I had.”

“When are you meeting?” Jo asked a moment later.

“Tomorrow noon,” she answered as Jo’s oven alarm went off.

Jo bounced again in anticipation and picked potholders. “Finally!” she breathed out, opening the oven.

They understood something was wrong as soon as Jo started cutting it in portions. The dish was basically breaking under her knife with loud crunching. Allie and Anna looked at each other too scared to say a word. Jo groaned, mumbled something about “the fucking fuck” and threw another result of her cooking into her trash bin. Then she looked up at girls and asked, looking tired and pissed, “So, what did you bring today?”

“Thai,” confessed Allie with shy smile. “But we need to heat it up.”

“Well, you know how to use my microwave,” Jo shrugged waving to Anna. “Belle, give me that damn bottle, will you? I need to drink up that disaster.”

Annabelle giggled, handing Jo wine and smiling at the visibly lightening mood. She couldn't help but thought that no matter what was happening in her life, lasagna dinners would always be there to save her from all the troubles. And at that moment she couldn't be more grateful for that.

***

“Are you sure you wanna go today?” her dad asked for at least fourth time. “Traffic’s gonna be awful.”

Anna smiled. “Dad, it's New York, traffic’s gonna be awful no matter when I decide to come.”

He chuckled lightly. “Okay, sweetheart. You gonna stay for the whole weekend?”

“No, actually I was about to stay till Tuesday. I've got first class in the afternoon so I could leave in the morning.”

“You sure?”

“Well, yeah. As long as you okay with me bothering you for so long,” she joked.

“Don't be silly.” Annabelle could see her Dad’s frown right now and smiled wider. “I just thought as it’s your last weekend before school starts you’d want…”

Anna didn't let him finish. “There’s no other place I’d rather be right now, Dad.”

“Sure thing, Anna.”

“I'll text you when I set off, ‘kay? Don't start dinner without me!”

“Can't promise you anything, sweetheart. Your Mom’s cooking curry tonight so…”

“I won't speak to you ever again if you start without me!” she threatened, giggling.

“I'm just saying I wouldn't waste much time for packing if I were you,” Mark teased again.

“I’m leaving right now,” Anna heard her father chuckle again and the sound made her heart shrink. Or maybe it was the sight of a tall man in black shirt and black jeans waiting for her outside of a quite busy coffee shop. Anna felt her hands starting to shake. “Dad, I have to go, but I'll text you later.”

“Okay, darling. I love you.”

“Love you too. See you tonight,” Anna mumbled and finished her call.

That very moment he saw her and put his phone he was scrolling through while waiting in the pocket of his jeans.

Anna felt her heart setting off in a running pace. Say Hi or Hello? Smile or better not? What was more appropriate in conversation with a man she’d accused of the most horrible things?

“I thought of buying us coffee, but realised you’ve never actually told me,” he said with a ghost of a smile on his lips, saving her from struggling with her first words.

“Never told you what?” Anna felt lost at this.

“What coffee you prefer,” he explained and let smile touch his face finally.

Anna widened her eyes half because of the fact that she didn't understand that herself, half because he wanted to buy her coffee even after she shoved him off the last time he did. “Er, cappuccino would be fine, but you don't have to buy me coffee,” she shook her head frowning a little.

He shrugged and stepped into the coffee shop without sparing her another word. Anna followed him just to see the barista noticing him and raising an eyebrow in a silent question.

“I was right,” told him Dr. Hood leaving Anna even more at a loss.

The barista guy smirked and handed him two coffee cups, giving Anna an examining look.

Dr. Hood turned back to Anna and gestured her to go back to the street.

“There are tables in the park across the street,” he showed her. “We can sit there and talk. And here's your cappuccino,” he handed her a cup and stepped towards the said park.

“So you did buy me coffee,” she concluded looking at his back and following him suit.

He shrugged and Anna thought she heard him snort. “It was a lucky shot. You just seemed like a cappuccino type,” he said and looked at her as they entered the park.

“A cappuccino type,” Anna murmured to herself having close to no clue what he was actually talking about. What was a cappuccino type after all?

“Well thanks for the coffee,” she said as they settled at a table next to a big tree and as far away from the walking paths as possible. She noted his lips twitch a little. “And thank you for not commenting on it further,” she sighed, looking away from him.

“Any time,” he answered, took a sip of his coffee and asked, “How have you been?”

Anna shrugged. What could she answer to that? Was she alright? She wasn’t even sure what alright was anymore. She looked back at him, taking slightly aback by the unexpected seriousness in his eyes. She shrugged again and saw his nod of understanding. He wasn’t looking at her with sympathy or pity, wasn’t judgemental or embarrassed by the pain behind that shrug. He just understood. And surprisingly it was exactly what she needed right now.

“So why did you wanna see me?” he asked after another minute of sitting there in silence.

Anna felt tears coming up to her eyes and took a deep breath. She wasn’t going to cry in front of him, not again. She gathered all the courage she had left in her and breathed out, “Dr. Hood, I-”

“It’s Calum,” he interrupted her with a shy smile.

Anna looked up at him again. “Um, what?”

“My name is Calum,” he repeated, his smile widening. “We’re no longer in doctor-patient relationship. Truth to be told we’ve never actually were. But anyway, call me Calum, please. Dr. Hood still has me a little uncomfortable,” he admitted.

“Oh, okay,” Annabelle mumbled, cursing herself again for the stupid childish answers. “Well, Calum, I just wanted to apologize,” she stated, looking at her hands, started picking on her nail polish out of nervousness. “For the night it all happened and for the Wednesday morning too. I had no right to blame you for what happened, I know you’ve done everything that was possible. And I’m sorry I was a total bitch to you when you just tried to be friendly. And-”

“Hey, don’t,” he stopped her again and suddenly Anna felt his right hand gripping on hers. His hand was hot and soft and so big, with three letters tattooed between his thumb and index finger. He waited till she looked back at him and said softly, “You don’t have to apologize. I totally understand.”

Anna shook her head and leaned back on her chair, her hands are still in his grip. She noticed with her side sight a little girl in pretty pink dress running excitedly around a woman several meters behind Calum and felt tears coming up again. “It doesn’t matter if I had a reason or not. I’m thankful you understand, but I still had no right to act like I did towards you. And I’m so sorry that I did. And I really hope you could forgive me, cause honestly words cannot even start to explain how grateful I am for everything you did.”

Calum smiled again and started with, “Anna, you-” but this time he was interrupted.

Two tiny hands gripped on his left arm and a chubby cheek pressed to his tattooed biceps. Calum turned his look to the little intruder. Annabelle freed her hands from his grip and looked at a little girl in confusion. Pretty pink dress with a flowery print told her it was the same girl she noticed couple minutes ago. The girl was about three, had pretty curls the color of milk chocolate and big blue eyes, which were fixed on Calum’s still slightly surprised face.

“And who is that here?” he chuckled, big smile on his face.

“It’s just me, doctah Cawum,” she replied and giggled, not looking anywhere but at him. “I made a wish I meet you today,” she revealed shyly and giggled again.

“Seems like a real magic to me,” Calum chuckled again, standing up from his chair and bending down to the girl. “Now, I guess I deserve my hug.”

The girl laughed happily, as he lifted her up and spinned couple of times, squeezing her in his massive arms. They stopped and the girl pulled back a little, settling comfortable on his hip. That was exactly when a woman the girl was with came up to them, she looked a little embarrassed and angry.

“Aubrie, how many times do I need to tell you not to run away from me?” she nagged little girl in a rather soft voice.

“But I saw doctah Cawum!” Aubrie stated, like it was totally indulging. The woman snorted, looking at the man holding her little daughter. “Of course you did,” she sighed. “Hello, Calum! And I’m sorry we interrupted you,” she looked apologetically at Anna.

Calum hugged her with his free arm with no hesitation. “Don’t be ridiculous, I’m always glad to see you. This is Anna, by the way,” he looked back at Annabelle. Anna smiled at the woman. “And these are Laura and my favourite patient Princess Aubrie,” he introduced them, bouncing Aubrie on his hip.

“I’m not a patient, I’m your friend!” exclaimed Aubrie and hid her face in his neck.

“Oh, I’m so silly! I’m sorry, princess, of course you’re my friend!” he agreed easily and moved his gaze to Laura. “You were at the hospital? How is our little girl?”

“Yeah, we were at the usual checking. Dr. Irwin said she’s absolutely okay. Even approved on dancing classes,” she smiled, stroking Aubries curls.

“Will you come to my concert when I be dancin’ pwincess?” Aubrie asked, pulling away and looking at Calum with eyes full of adoration.

“Wouldn’t miss it for the world,” he promised, hugging her again.

“Okay, angel, we have to go,” her mother sighed. “Hug doctor Calum goodbye and let’s go.”

“No, Mama,” whined Aubrie and clung on Calum’s neck with both hands, making him laugh quietly.

“Remember you wanted to buy those beautiful cups for your garden party? If we go now we’ll probably have enough time to do it today,” traded Laura with a mischievous grin.

Her trick obviously worked, as Aubrie let go off Calum’s neck with a sad expression on her face.

“Will you come to my garden party?” she asked him, before letting him put her down.

“Well, if your Mom and Dad are okay with that,” he hold back for a moment.

“Come on, Calum, you know, you are always a welcome guest in our house,” smiled Laura at him.

“I will most definitely come,” Calum promised to the little girl in his arms. “When is it going to be?”

“Next Saturday, at around three,” said Laura, as Aubrie struggled with answering, probably not very good with days and time yet.

“Then I’ll see you there, right, princess?” Calum asked Aubrie, and she nodded excitedly, glowing with happiness.

He hugged Aubrie one more time, they said their goodbyes with Laura, who shared one more smile with Anna, and with that they left.

Calum stood there for a moment more, looking after them, and then sat back down on his chair, shy smile still on his lips.

“Sorry about that,” he mumbled, looking at Anna.

“That’s okay,” she smiled back, even though her heart was aching from the sight of a happy little kid. “Did you treat her?”

Callum hummed admittedly.

“Tell me about it,” Anna asked.

Calum frowned, her request took him by surprise.

“Well, Aubrie was one of my first patients after I started operating after couple of years of residency. She was born premature and had a heart condition.”

“Like my brother?”

“Not exactly,” he shook his head, his stare not leaving Anna’s face for a moment. “There was a little problem with her cardiac valve, it’s rather easier than what your brother had. She was operated on the third day after her birth and spent almost four weeks after that in an NICU. She needs regular check ups now. Although her chances of living a healthy life without any other operations are very high.”

“You aren’t the one who checks up on her?” Anna asked, slightly confused.

“No, my job is finished after the first month of their life,” Calum explained. “Then we pass our little patients on to pediatrics. But I do like to follow their progress,” he finished quietly.

Anna nodded, not really knowing what to say to that.

“Why’d you ask?”

She looked straight at Calum and felt a lonely tear fall down her cheek.

“I don’t really know,” she said, wiping a tear with her hand and smiling apologetically. “Just needed some good story, I guess.”

“Hey,” Calum stretched his arm forward and grabbed her hand again, making her shake a little. “There’ll be plenty of them in your life. Just give them some time.”

She smiled back at him and sniffed. She squeezed his hand in silent thank you and offered, “Do you, maybe, wanna walk a little? Of course, if you’re not-”

“I’m not,” he smirked, standing and pulling her up by her hand, “whatever you wanted to say next.”

Anna let him snake his arm around her shoulders and lead up the street. She was dazed by his easiness and by the way her heart felt lighter. She couldn’t even try to explain all the things she felt, too overwhelmed by his presence. But she was absolutely positive about one thing. She wanted nothing more than to spend the rest of the day with his arm around her shoulders.

Taglist: @dancingonanemptywallet @5saucewho

[vanthistuff]

tl;dr: I am sad, the world is a weird place, and I still try to do everything I can to not lose hope for Poland, my country. 

Sorry for long post, But I don’t think anyone will look at this so It’s not a problem I think?

I just want to say sth rather to myself than anyone else, but I also want to have it written somewhere here on the internet. I am not brave or engaged in discussions enough to post it on facebook, so my quiet reblog tumblr there is. 

I am incredibly sad about what is happening in my country. Death of Gdansk President is the first assasination here, during our times after communism. And it was political one. Even though the attacker was mentally ill, he clearly stated to everyone that this was a political decision (and he chose moment, that would be seen across all media, in the most happy event of the year, but more on that later. It was definately not a coincidence (but the police is working now, so this is still my opinion))

He was not a president of my city, so he wasn’t my representative, I didn’t have a chance to vote for him, I don’t live in Gdansk, although I am very fond of this city.  He was not even a member of a party that I most often vote for. He left it before last election. 

But still... I cried. Not only after the death of man, a good man, who has done so much for his city. But also for the state of this country. The country I am not willing to leave, ever. I grew up here, I like most of it’s traditions, I am connected with the history, the places, the nature here. But it’s now filled with incredible hate. Hate that is carefully nutrished by ruling party, which accepts most of it’s form (like having some disgusting (in terms of their speech and opinions) people in parliment, spreading fake informations, using hate speech, not seeing hate crimes as crimes and so on). But to be fair, it’s not only their fault. It’s fault of everyting that happend to this country. Most recent ones: After the communism lots of people were left alone, forgotten, with hardly any means to live. The income inequality is huuuge, polsih schools are not teaching with... sense. I don’t know how to write this but obligatory education is weak.  All of the above results in uneducated, easy to manipulate society, that is just lost and afraid. And hate looks like the way. Because life is easier when you have enemies, when your failures are happening because of them, not because of you. And ruling party used that. Used the most primitive instincts and allowed all of this hate.

And now, this hate resulted in violence bigger than ever here. And I don’t know what will come. Maybe people will stop and think. Or maybe they won’t do anything. Or in the worst scenario this violence will result in bigger violence. 

I am concerned and afraid of the future here. I still have faith in upcoming elections. That hateful people won’t rule my country anymore. 

I have faith, that WOŚP will never fall, even when such horrbile act happened during this beautiful fest. WOŚP is one of the biggest charities in Europe. And it’s prom polish folks to polish folks. the amount of good they did during these 27years is unbelivable.  Do you know that we are the country with the lowest percent of children with hearing loss? that’s thanks to WOŚP, which funds snail implants to ALL children who need them. And this is just one of their numerous actions. 

I have faith that things will change. Here and in the world. Because with more alt-right movements, such events will be more and more common. More good people will die, more hate will turn into violence. 

I don’t know what I want to say. I just... cannot watch what is happening. I can’t believe it.  But I am extreme optimist, that’s why I am so sad. I was hoping that modern medicine would save the President, he was operated by the best specialists, even in European standards. But some things cannot be fixed. I hope that in some parallel universe, doctors are triumphant and are saying that thanks to best equipement and their skills he fought death and won. I am sad I don’t live in that universe, that my universe is takin a path that I don’t want it to take.

I hate (yes, this is the one thing I hate) losing my faith and my optimism. Which is on the brink every time sth more horrible happens.  But at the same time, I won’t give up. I still believe that there is hope, that things will be better. That world will see, that current direction is leading the wrong way. I’ll believe that no matter what. I am just sad, that the road to change is through things that should’ve never happened. 

But now I am just sad. And those who now me, know this doesn’t happen often...

[notallballs]

talk to me about that - you're my mission au - you have been trying to write because that's exactly what's sitting in my drafts for the last two years but maybe it is time to do sth about it.

Regarding this winter soldier au art. Oh man I would be so delighted if someone wrote that!! 

let me preface this by saying i’m not a historian and know very little about JP culture/history, this is patched together from my hodgepodge knowledge gleaned from 3 years in cap fandom + listening to a bunch of history podcasts + being a voracious reader.

So I envision it mirroring the Steve Rogers/Cap & Bucky story quite closely because….I mean that was my main fandom before Haikyuu and I wrote a lot of historical fic in it so it’s really near and dear to my heart.

I can only imagine Iwa as Cap. I mean, the whole point of Steve Rogers as Cap is that he’s a good guy, he’s the best guy, and as much as I love Oikawa…he’s not wholly a good guy. Sorry, oiky. 

What’s also REALLY fascinating to me about this AU is that...a big part of the story of Captain America (and a huge factor toward the tragic element of his story) is the fact that America won the war. But for Iwa, he wakes up to find that even after his sacrifice, Japan lost the war.

What’s even more fascinating about that, is that Japan and America did (and obviously still do) have huge cultural differences, and one of the major differences of someone growing up in 20s-30s Japan is that every person would have been willing (and strongly encouraged) to die for their country. It was almost shameful NOT to die for their country. Dying was much better (much more socially acceptable) than sitting in an enemy pow camp. 

For Iwa, waking up to find that the worst happened, that his country lost the war, and yet things just carried on, that would be hugely difficult for him. The fact that after all that happened, after all he gave up, that his country just surrendered, instead of fighting to the last man. I think he would have a lot of conflicted feelings about continuing to fight, and I think it would be VERY hard for him when he finds out Oikawa is alive and his sacrifice in the line of duty was interrupted. I think he would be incredibly relieved that Oikawa had survived, because this is his best friend, the only one who ever believed in him. But it would also seem almost like sacrilege to him, for Oikawa to have had that sacrifice snatched away from him, to have been kept prisoner all this time and forced to fight for the enemy. 

I think, for these reasons it would be really hard for Iwa to go on fighting for his country. At the same time, I think he would still do it. That same loyalty would drive him to keep fighting for his country - he sacrificed himself and it didn’t take, so I think he’d have that captain america recklessness (the immortality blues) where he’s just gonna keep fighting because it’s what he knows, because he doesn’t know what else to do, and also because of the remnants of this cultural fanaticism that drives him to go all out in defence of his country and culture.

So regarding Oikawa...I think there are a few different things you could do there. He could still be a Russian/KGB agent, or perhaps he was taken by Korea (who would have been under Japanese rule while iwaoi were growing up. Or, you could flip it and say he’s been made an American agent. You could even go with China. I honestly don’t know what option to pick because there are SO many fascinating things you could do with each. Again, you’d probably need to know much more than I do about Japanese history from the beginning of the C20th to know to make an informed choice about this. It would be a fascinating thing to research. 

The actual wartime section would be very different too of course, because they would likely have been stationed in the Pacific theater, whereas Captain America takes place in the European theater. I’m personally interested in parts of the war that took place outside of Europe, because my grandad fought in Burma, so I’ve always had this awareness of the fact that this war was truly global. Unless you specifically take history in high school, it’s not something we’re taught a lot about in British schools, we mostly learn about the European theater and the holocaust (which...are hugely important issues, every child should be taught about the ww2 holocaust, but I do think there’s a troubling western bias in what we’re taught here).

Regardless of all the differences, I really like the idea of maintaining as much of the narrative elements of First Avenger and Winter Soldier as possible. I think it’s more interesting to stay close to original canon when writing divergence, finding ways to stay faithful while changing the vital elements. For instance, how would their equivalent of SHIELD operate? That kind of agency is regarded and operated very differently in the States than in Japan. Also, SHIELD is a response to the kind of terror elements the US has been engaging over the past thirty years, themselves a response to oil exploitation since the end of ww2. What would be the equivalent for Japan?? THERE’S SO MUCH TO THINK ABOUT.

So, you can see why I’ve never actually gotten around to writing this :’D I don’t have the energy for the amount of research this story requires, but I take my hat off to anyone who does. Also, I’ve only really scratched the surface here of the things you could explore in this story. There’s tons more to think about and play with.

Probably the easiest way forward is just to pick a couple of crucial scenes to rewrite and handwave a lot of the historical/cultural details!

[roominthecastle]

1) do u ship michael/eleanor 2) if yes pls share ur thoughts and feelings :))

*cracks knuckles* Just remember: you asked for this, anon.

1) Yes.

I am oh so predictable and this dynamic offers everything - literally everything - that gets me going, so I got going at once. Like act 1, scene 1,

“Hello, Eleanor. I am Michael and you are dead.”

A dapper amoral non-human puppetmaster becomes emotionally compromised as a kickass mortal woman keeps foiling his ridiculously meticulous plans, and they end up bonding over the confusing struggle of self-improvement, survival, & being messy benches who love dramaaa?

Honestly, they gave me no chance to even consider resisting this.

2) Oh boy. This is where we duck behind a read more bc length & GIFs

I should probably start by saying that as far as strict canon goes, for now, I only see solid evidence of the tightest, beautifulest friendship btw these two, but the potential for “more” is def there, as well, imo. I broship them on the show and ship them like mad in this nice little bubble of Could Be where I’m happy bc canon is generous w/ the fodder. That being said, the furthest I can see canon pushing this ‘ship is a bittersweet unrequited love area, sth like [ this post ] I reblogged the other day. No bitter Friendzoned™ bullshit bc Michael ain’t a gross-ass dick like that. Friendship is his most precious treasure like he kept the spoon Janet gave him and put it on display in his office. My heart almost gave out at that part. I think he felt lonely and isolated among his kind even before his solo project started going off the rails, forcing him to defect to the human side, so I’m sure he would never consider “friendship only” w/ Eleanor to be some second-rate outcome. (neither would I)

But he is only beginning to discover the various dimensions of human relationships, so his feelings are likely in flux and mixed. He might consider chaste romance friendship, too, since he has no previous experience to draw on whatsoever. I mean, feelings are v difficult to sort even w/ plenty experience as evidenced by the humans around him.

Eleanor is to Michael who/what Chidi is to her, imo. Every round of the Eleanor/Chidi dynamic is characterized by a rollercoaster of “is it platonic or is it romantic or both or neither or what the sweet fork is it?”, and I can imagine Michael going through a bit of that confusion himself as he gets more and more attached to Eleanor but w/o the pressure of “pick a label already and act on it”. A general feeling of attraction (not necessarily sexual) would be natural, esp for a being who is experiencing his first intense connection with someone who actively challenges, rewards, and punishes him in ways no other being has before and no human has ever dared before.

She takes him down a few notches, no question. Chidi is the teacher but Eleanor is the one pushing and pulling Michael along their rocky, scary, insane path of self-improvement, which, just like hers, starts out as an empty nuisance deal of self-preservation (“You get help but only if you take ethics lessons”) and turns into a genuine effort to become better. She insists on him taking these lessons and makes sure he “stays in school” despite the initial difficulties. Out of his 4 humans, she is the one he consistently looks to for emotional pointers, support, and validation.

The subtlest (and my most favorite) display of this is how he keeps half-turning back towards her when he pleads their case in front of Judge Gen.

She is his person who has faith in him when no one else does and reaches him when no one else can or want to. She is his anchor pulling him back whenever he drifts off too far, be it as a result of a massive existential/midlife crisis or venting frustrations in his old, cruel ways like tormenting Chidi:

He listens to her and tries to reciprocate even if it means breaking some fundamental rules of the afterlife or turning on his own kind or giving up his immortality or going behind the back of the All-Knowing Judge who can condemn anyone for eternal suffering with a snap of her fingers. This is the same kind of glitch Janet describes in 111 (aptly named “What’s My Motivation”): to act unpredictably and behave in ways that run counter to how you were programmed to behave. a.k.a. the “human error” a.k.a. LOVE

Eleanor just instinctively gets him in every sense of the word bc they are very similar, and while at first it causes alarm, discomfort, and tension for both of them, it transforms into friendship - sth that I believe has its origins in S1 when he is supposed to be faking everything. That day spent together having all kinds of fun has left some genuine positive marks on both, imo, despite both “participating” to cover an agenda.

This bond is now the kind of stuff that would need only a tiny, unexpected spark to ignite. I don’t think it will in ~that~ way on the show since Eleanor is focused elsewhere in that department atm & maybe forever, but the groundwork is def there, so I can imagine billions of excellent fic scenarios blooming from this + as I said somewhere above, a potential canon scenario where Michael harbors unrequited feelings but keeps silent bc it would be a secret he is ethically allowed - maybe even required - to keep. Again, it is one of the lessons that come up when Janet’s “glitching” and they consider breaking up Jason and Tahani as a solution: “It’s not permissible to ruin their happiness to save ourselves. … It’s okay to keep a secret as long as that secret isn’t harming anyone, and telling them that secret might cause harm.” Michael knows Eleanor needs Chidi to stay on course towards eternal happiness, and, given the group’s track record, telling her that he has feelings could cause confusion sufficient enough to derail everything and that’s not permissible. But this is pure speculation ofc.

Despite the circular narrative and reboots, nothing gained is wasted on this show, it only changes forms and feeds further development. For example, everything Michael pretends to feel and do in S1 he ends up feeling and doing for real in the first part of S2, then gradually gains a more thorough understanding of these actions and feelings in the second half via Chidi’s lessons and by watching/helping others deal with their problems. He fakes it till he makes it. He essentially mirrors Janet, the other non-human member of this group dynamic, who unexpectedly bonds with Jason and her behavior becomes erratic as a result and calms only when she understands what is going on and how to deal with it. Michael’s “demon programming” starts glitching, too, and Eleanor is right smack in the middle of that mess.

Janet “orbits” the “Jason-Tahani unit” w/ a link to Jason, Michael the Eleanor-Chidi one w/ a link to Eleanor, which forms the two interconnected triangles of the show - an “arrangement” further reinforced by the image of Janet and Michael glued to Jason’s and Eleanor’s monitoring thingy respectively at the end of S2.

He is the (recovering) devil on Eleanor’s shoulder sitting opposite to Chidi (also they are the only two guys who wear glasses in the afterlife??), but no matter how well they click and how much fun they have together, it’s Chidi whose presence needs to be tangible (800+ reboots proved that), not his, no matter how/what he feels or what he wants. Removing himself from the equation, sacrificing his own wants & needs, is the only way to ensure Eleanor & Co. have a shot at eternal happiness, so he literally pushes her away and advocates for a solution that involves them completely forgetting about him. It is the ultimate act of selfless love if you think about it, and it makes me feel A LOT.

Also just look at them when she sees he did not die and he sees she (and the rest of the gang, I know, but that’s not our focus here) has not been eternally damned yet bc OFC HE COMES BACK WITH ANOTHER IDEA + 369 BACKUP PLANS + CHEAT CODES bc this is the demon who literally tried a billion ways to sneak them into heaven and was plagued with “after sad” when he failed.

And then we have the scene where he just can’t help himself, breaks yet another rule, and sneaks down/up/idk to Earth to nudge his lost pal back on track and she ofc doesn’t remember him bc the Judge wiped her afterlife memories and he pretends to be her BARTENDER in STING’S DESERT ROSÉ (!!) and delights in her drunken ramblings - it is too much goodness like I’m this close to a Cheers rewatch and also just… THESE FOOLS OWN ME NOW

[davidjjohnston3]

I am mad at my biological father... People in Milwaukee have strong spirits but they don't test or discern from whence these spirits come (Satan); they have a kind of 'anti-a'ga'pe' that wants to send people to Hell.  I finally got fed up and started cursing or at least confuting in my head and heart, wishing there would be terrorized for messing with me / my soul.  I want them to be chastened.  In what universe is it OK to antagonize someone's soul rather than build them up / edify?  It's Babylon America: commerce is king, pornography is the supreme teacher(?), media is religion, movie-theaters are temples.  All this time my 'father-in-law' was trying to teach me the American way of lying to the civil authority and medical professionals... A while back I took stock of 'our' old family home and realized in some ways my biological parents are not that bad.  I told my biological father as much and he got even more mad / contemptuous of me. Do I not assess the man properly? Reddit got mad at me for saying 'social form' and some Christian on Twitter tried to 'nope(?!..=|)' me for saying I prayed Sec. Pompeo will be President.  'No room in the Kingdom for phony Christians.'  What's phony about defending the faith worldwide?   Paul Washer of HeartCry Ministries extols the authority of the African father and the son kneeling before him but Caucasian American dad-son relationships are not that way in my experience.  Once I bowed to my dad but it didn't mean much.  Once he bowed to me after my (near)-suicide-attempt in Korea and that did mean.. Anti-racism seemed like an important concept to me but then I thought there are so many people who just wanna get stuff and if I met Ibrim X. Kendi in real life he's probably be cordial enough but not hesitate to unlease looters and rioters against me for his vision of the greater good not to say communist-disintegrationist-chaoticist utopia.   Everyone in Milwaukee seemed to be mad at me a while back since the story of me in Korea at the high school was not 100% storybook.  'Oh David James Johnston he fell in love with his 16-17-year-old student, but realized they are being left behind or the Korean War is really terrible and they're all in danger up there then some things happened with the faculty and he tried to kill himself.'  That is not totally inaccurate but I wasn't 100% the depressive melancholy young prince over the last 9 years.  I had some ambitions and I studied a lot and I also had bad habits like smoking. I got a short-sleeved white polo shirt at the department store and lost a bit more weight.  I am around 5'11 165 I would guess.  I really have to make sense of my cardiac condition although hopefully it was acute / idiopathic from the Pfizer vaccine.  What scares me is that I had a foreaugury or prophecy(?) of it in 2016 when I felt something like a powdery liquid running down behind my breastbone at the same time as when I was walking around Lake Park in terror of Koreans from the past coming to kill me, angel soldiers, 'the stars throwing down their tears,' the tiger of wrath, and also, feeling like God was feeding me something without having to eat. I still haven't read all of Blake's 'America: A Prophecy.'

* The psychiatrist whom I respect offered or 'ordered' me Prozac last week and it made me think.  I feel almost like the Boomers saw Millennial children as having no souls.  My parents wanted to send me to Hell.  My mother always used to speak about 'Rosemary's Baby' and when I was young I ran around with a red cape in a strawberry patch.  My mother told me this when I was in the mental hospital in 2013, afraid of the color red and not wanting to tear my chicken sandwich since I thought that it was metonymic(?) for tearing the Scripture rather than swallowing / appreciating it whole.   'We Boomers worked hard, stopped the ['totally causeless not trying to help anyone'] Vietnam War, Civil Rights, moreover weathered the traumas of JFK, MLK, RFK assassinations; ergo we earned the right to treat our daughters as sex-slaves and fire out our sons in order the better to take advantage of our neighbors' daughters whilst also amusing ourselves by medicating and psychologizing our kids rather than loving them and tending / nurturing / ministering to their souls.'   I didn't take the Prozac but I did think of (Ms. / Artist / [Singer]) Kim Taeyeon - 'Love in Color' is my favorite song of hers which makes me think about abortion-culture in a way and how 'too many choices' can destroy or over-modulate the distance or scuff and wear down the love in a relationship - and bipolar disorder.  I was diagnosed with bipolar in 2012 and suffered manic symptoms for most of my childhood.  I felt in the hospital that one possible 'aetiology' or origin / backstory of bipolar is knowing that people out there want to kill you; or even, damn your soul to perdition / Hell / everlasting eternal conscious torment for displeasing them or going against their norms / expectations. My diagnosis was later jacked up to schizoaffective / bipolar schizoaffective, then nearly 'crossed the ionosphere' into schizophrenia, and is now back to schizoaffective thanks to the wonderful, integrity- and probity-filled psychiatrist, who was also the only person telling the truth and not being a corporatist tank-driving-vehicular-manslaughterer at my commitment hearing where Father in Law lied to a district judge and the justice system treated me like a second-class system.  The ONLY person whose yes was yes and no was no. I still think sometimes about 'the condition of fiction.'  I wish I could develop my more scholarly ideals sometimes rather than writing in this 'free' style as I don't really like freedom I like formality and rules. I miss [].  I used to see so many colors and I saw this person in my mind's eye / Spirit when I met her online; but yesterday I felt like I just saw 'dark red.'

*

My brother is really rich (from Data Science)... I need to mend fences with him... I feel as if over the years I might've had mixed motives in 'taking him under my wing.'  We had a bad relationship when I was young and I even stole money from him a couple of times.  I also tried to catch him looking at pornography online rather than rebuke or chastise or plead with him not to, for courting death and failure.  I just wanted to embarrass / shame him. I helped him get a job shortly after the Great Recession and I guess some part of me falsely believed he owed me a favor for that. I sent him many books over the years. After my initial diagnosis of a possibly disabling mental disorder my mother told me he had said that I could live with him if I needed help but that no longer seems a possibility - in fact he said, 'I never said that.'  I was worried since I'm weak.  Hopefully God willing I can get back to where I was a couple of months ago and actually execute sth like the description of the educational administrative job that I was offered. I came to a point in my life lately where I no longer know whether something is destiny.  When I took the HS job in Korea - maybe the biggest decision of my life - I was confident.  But in the last couple of months has been a tempest or fog of war or I simply made so many decisions I don't recognize myself completely.   I want to work on 'Leaving Babylon' or 'Leaving Milwaukee' or 'Leaving America.'  There are or seem to be good Christians in Milwaukee but why live in Babylon - commercial empire worshipping all kinds of false prophetesses, porneia, objects, death, child-rape, abortion, post-partum abortion, automobiles, meals, brands, money / Mammon and other 'stuff' Pastor Timothy Keller calls 'Counterfeit Gods' (to say too little since they're actually often demons from Hell)... I'm not sure how to write it without penning distracting trash that would give wannabe writers bad habits and make naive readers think they know more than they do. My net worth is about 2,000 dollars but I want to give it away just because I'm mad.  I thought about selling my Lenovo X-1 laptop since it's Chinese Communist poison / curse, I know it's hacked by Huawei or whoever through a nano(?)chip, Father in Law tracks with AI... I heard the new Samsung smaller notebooks have around a 17-hour battery-life.

Milwaukee's Child Protective Services appear to be some kind of CCP-derived 'metaphor-joke.'  Amber Alert a child has been kidnapped in either a silver Kia or a Chevy Impala.  You can mount a plate-reading AI-camera on a 50-dollar drone easily...

I'm applying to a job in Korea.  I have no idea if I'll get in.  It is in my favorite neighborhood, and I liked the video of their staff. This would be a 'redemption-arc' for me.  'I am so exciting.'   I don't know if it can be. I listened to a few minutes of 'Inferno' by C. Cho.  Masterpiece.   Did I ever pay dues like a BigLaw junior associate?  Was I ever fast-tracked?   Career-decisions are difficult.  I have literal rejection-demons, I think, or uncertainty-demons.  Maybe it is Belial himself: sensuality plus intellectual abnegation.  Like I want to pretend the Spirit isn't there.   Other people also suffer disappointment-demons, I feel.  Loss-demons.   Understanding others can be challenging, and the fun of it, moreover, is overrated for some people.  IDK if I can ever. And too, some people, once you understand them - when they realize you understand them - become shameless.  They get more seared-conscience than ever, like the only reason they were ever acting good was to save / maintain face.  'Buyaolian.'   In past I tried to be all things to all men but lately I ended up trying to be 'Chinese mistress' to someone in a bad way.  I had already tried 'Japanese daughter, daughter-in-a-box.'  I don't know why I don't try 'son' except it makes him fake more than usual, that I know of. I felt praised like a daughter when I got praised; although maybe it is just me. 'Hello Kitty is a girl,' Said the Sanrio person. I looked at our family cat Ariel the other day and thought, 'my adult daughter Yves from LOONA.'   He used to look like a manly lion, like Jesus even, the Lion of Judah. Cats are feminine. I would get a cat but I just want to teach and write. This cat seems at peace; he no longer overeats nor conversely is hyperthyroidal and thin / 'dried out.' I miss the cat Pukah from down the way, who was fat and 'crepitant' in her voice-sound.  I took care of her for pay and bought some Audiobooks with the 'loot' or 'lucre.'

I honestly have a theory about Koreanness I don't like to share called 'Han Death Runes' that says some people see Koreans - women and girls - and just want to rape and beat and kill them.  They just do.  Japanese soldiers / officers / the entire government did.  Doubtless Chinese did before that.  Korean men did too.  Caucasian men do now.  Other people look at babies and want to kill them - not a joke, empirical Science has recorded it; Saint Augustine some 1600 years ago developed the category of Original Sin.

For a time I was convinced that ShowerThoughts on Tumblr was the Korean girl whom I attempted to save from attempted sex-trafficking by implying she should work hard in tenth grade and learn about [AI, IT]... 

I am interested in helping orphans and other young people; today in lieu of the Lead Teacher offer I missed out on I applied to some Assistant jobs at Christian private and charter schools and was impressed with the humaneness of the management-questions on the online hiring-assessment.  Nonetheless, ‘Blessed Are the Peacemakers,’ and the world will need I think / believe for somebody to prove that it is possible to take care of young people who don’t have good parents such as through a better orphanage-system someday.  At least, this is kind of what I dream and daydream about.  I think Saint Paul would talk more about older women helping younger women to be good mothers, however, or ‘teaching’ them, whatever that means.  

The pro-life cause as this political cartoon long ago pointed out is supposed to be in favor of life far beyond the emergence in to this world as a defenseless eight-pound baby.  

*

I feel lately as if I ‘waged a war for peace’ and ended up as the only casualty.  I don’t mean to aggrandize myself.  I strengthened my enemies and all I got out of it was a clarified love.  I hope / wish that this constitutes suffering and not just punishment before Moses for being a bad teacher with abominable taste in student clientele, and also forget to send off graduates with a graceful hail and blessing, maybe a final exhortation and prayer, and let them be they.

[withered-rose-unbreakable-lotus]

Gonna talk about personal here regarding having sex. And etc.

I never had any romantic relationship, but had one experience (like sexting?) when I was teen to someone two years older (we've been pals for years and never do it physically). It was a thrill and I don't think I want to do it IRL, because part of me assumed it as traumatic experience, and I always afraid to look for romantic partner / starting a family of my own.

Aside sexual thing, like basically everything could ruin your marriage. I don't want it. But I'm touchstarving fellow who's weakness is keeping good relation to anyone.

I'm super envy when people goes saying how they love their partner. I want to be / have one, but I'm a coward and couldn't praise anything.

I want to take care of people, but to imagine people does it to me? Give me a break.

First off, I’d like to say I was going to answer privately to that, based on the subject, but, since it’s on anon, I am really sorry I have to post the reply like that. This is something I consider personal, therefore easier for both the person sending and myself to be open to such a conversation without fear who’s watching, judging etc. To your message, now, I too have never been into a romantic relationship before due to various reasons, some of which are based on a couple of same fears you’re describing here so, I totally understand what you mean and it’s super valid to feel that way. People keep mentioning only people who feel better not being in a relationship, or being in one and not having sex, when it comes to that subject, but not much for people like you or me, who do want the relationship part but can’t imagine themselves succeeding in keeping it strong, loving, passionate, or sth else, or even all of the above. People who’ve suffered abuse are also mentioned in such conversations, people who’ve been traumatized to try and then wish for their partners to have patience with them, as not everyone who’s been through sth like that can just “get over it“ or heal by themselves before trying a relationship with someone who shows them they deserve to be loved, or to not be afraid of abuse cause not everyone is abusive, or anything else their trauma has created in their mind and body to feel that fear. The thing is, whether it’s talked about or not, there are various reasons for people not to "feel ”able to get into a relationships or sexual contact with someone, and I use the word “feel“ loosely, because I personally think everyone is able to get into a relationship if they really want it, but fear or trauma or sth else holds them back. I am not talking about those who really don’t want it, here. Relationships are not something everyone wants and that’s okay, so anyone not into relationships here please don’t bite, that’s not what I meant.

I generalize a lot, though. To be more specific: In my opinion (which could be super wrong so please don’t take this as a fact or judgement) if part of you thinks that was a traumatizing experience for you, it is. I have experienced this myself and known people who’ve been through this before. I mean having been through something many people have and find normal, yet when you went through it, it felt scarring or even traumatic. When you go through such a feeling for something considered “normal“ you often end up thinking that maybe you are exaggerating, or that you are being oversensitive, but let me tell you what, not all people have the same limits and sensitivities. If some people are fine doing sth like that, good for them, but it’s not the same for everyone so, if you feel that hurt you, it probably did, so I think you should start from there when you think “when did i start feeling scared of getting into a relationship.“. Like you said though, there is more to that than that experience and like I said, several of these things I have felt too for my own reasons. I suck at keeping friends for a long time so i also understand your feeling unable to keep good relationships with anyone. I’ve only now started to get some balance, the last two-three years and honestly I don’t trust myself that I will manage to keep doing that. I think about it at least once a week. When I am down, it gets worse, I often find myself thinking who I should speak to and how that would affect my relationship with them because I am tired of losing friends. As for partners I have never tried but I’ve also come across people who never managed to keep friends, but have found excellent partners, so I no longer think that your ability to keep your friendships going has anything to do with your ability to keep a romantic partner or have a family. Just bringing that last one up as an example and personal observation.

I feel touchstarved a lot too, sometimes, but due to the fact I’ve also grown to dislike being touched without permission, it doesn’t bother me as much as not having someone to hold, myself. It’s like you want to give a hug but not receive it? xD Sth like that. I want to give a lot, but not necessarily receive as I too can’t imagine someone taking care of me, both due to seeing the kind of love most people enjoy (which is unfortunately not my type, but luckily that equals to me not being jealous of anyone unless I see the kind of love I am looking for, which is rare) and also because I don’t feel I deserve it. So envy is super rare for me but I do get that with all of the social media image, most people like me or like you would feel that way. If it helps in any way, try to think that those posting their love life a lot might not be showing you the bad or even real moments of their relationship. I am not saying that everyone who posts about their love all the time are fake, some people can’t stop talking about their partner when in love (been there, just with my feelings not returned), but a big percentage of them are so tell yourself that when you are feeling jealous and specify the kind of love you want and if you’d really like to have that kind of love or just love in general. It won’t solve anything but it might make you feel better.

Anyway, I am sorry I shared some advice too, I am sure you only wished to share your feelings and you already know the things I said, I didn’t say anything revolutionary anyway but please don’t give up. If it makes you feel better, start with friendships. Find people you got as many things as possible in common and try to get involved. As for partners, I don’t know what to say because I gave up on the idea long ago, but I really believe you can find someone, if that is something you want. Will it heal your fear your marriage could go to waste every single moment? No. I have the same fear, I don’t think it ever goes away. But you can always discuss it with your partner when it shows up. Now, if you are a person who dates men, it might get harder to discuss this frequently as I have noticed men find it a bit annoying when you constantly want to discuss your relationship, but if you’re into girls, I think it’s easier. Even if you don’t put yourself in a box and don’t mind such a thing, I consider women and nonbinary people more likely to discuss this often, than men, I don’t know. I guess I have lost faith in men way too much. ^^’> Again, if you wish to give up on the idea, do it, but envy is there for a reason, so I’d suggest you kept trying to find sb you like and if you do, try to be friends with them at first. You might get friendzoned yes, but in my opinion, the percentage of the possibility to be friendzoned is almost the same as that you’d get rejected at the first or one of the first dates with someone. Get to know the person you like, give yourself space to feel comfortable with them and if it is to happen it will happen. If it happens then instead of focusing on the ways everything can ruin it, focus on the ways you can save it. :) Think to yourself “what does my partner like“ and then which of those things are fine for you to do or try to show them your love. If they still leave despite your being giving, understanding etc, then they just weren’t for you. It’s not always your fault. People can be cruel. And those of them who are broken might give up on something they needed because they didn’t think they deserve it, which is why I said focus on the ways you could save it. You don’t have to force yourself though. That’s a big no. You can choose to heal inside a relationship or before getting into one. You could address to a psychologist to learn to control your fear, as well, I personally refuse to do that, but not everyone is me, so you can do as you please.

Either way, I really hope this eventually works out for you and you can always get into a relationship without expecting anything, that way you can get less hurt if it turns sours, but it can be so rewarding when you eventually realize someone is actually giving back. ^^ Give it a chance only when you are sure you can trust a person at least at 10%. Your fears won’t allow you trust them completely and your self-sabotage might get in the way so try that, if you really want to be with someone one day. Get to know them, try to see if you’d trust them and then try to make a move oooor discuss it with them, what kind of person you are looking for I mean. They might like you back if they realize what you are looking for is “similar“ to them. :3 Best of luck to you, dear. As hard as life may be and as hard as it might have hit you, don’t let it win. It’s your life, goddammit, if you want sth go after it even if you’re afraid. Courage has nth to do with being free of fear, it is being able to tell your fears you’re doing this even if you’re shaking. If it is what you want (getting in a romantic and loving relationship), then no one, not your fears, nor social media, nor society, not even God, themselves, if they exist, can tell you you cannot have it.