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lovesickeros · 10 days ago

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☆ i dream of embers

{☆} characters arlecchino {☆} notes no au, drabble, gender neutral reader {☆} warnings none {☆} word count 1.1k

The House of the Hearth is quiet — or, if you really wanted to be precise, the rats scuttling through the walls are working around the bubble you exist in. The children dare not tempt fates hand unless you asked for them by name, a contradiction. An order to the rules — they mustn't approach you with trivialities, but they must listen if you speak. Your words carry more weight than gold in this house, whether you know it or not.

A tenuous position.

You haven't done anything to earn their reverence, their almost acrid fear — but Arlecchino has. She wields her silver tongue with as much ease as her polearm, ensuring your care in her absence. Her devotion, her service, is felt in the warmth of her chambers, the silks she adorns you with, the bed so soft you feel as though you melt into it. A gift, a promise — a gilded cage need not be something undesirable.

You've grown used to the encumbrance of her presence, these days. The deep timbre of her voice, honeyed yet melting into something rougher, quieting into haunting silence as if she seeks not to disturb you. Dim candlelight is all that illuminates her broad frame as she slowly presses the door open and closed behind her, pallid skin streaked with darkening red, her bottom lip smeared with it like lipstick. There is a tension to her shoulders even when she sets aside her polearm, out of sight and out of mind, harsh lines on her face visible in the deep furrow of her thin brows.

Here, she let's the weariness settle deep into her bones — it's just the two of you, even if she hasn't acknowledged you at all. Still, it's a vulnerability she shows no other, even if that vulnerability is hidden behind layers of barbed wire and teeth.

You watch rather idly from the bed as she wets a cloth in a basin of water, the bed creaking beneath you as your feet sink into the plush rug beneath. You know from experience that trying to help her is like trying to soothe a wild dog, but your knuckles brush over the sharp line of her cheek anyway, free hand stealing the soaking cloth from her hands when her jaw flexes and tenses beneath the pads of your fingers.

It is only then that she looks down at you, eyes as sharp as blades yet so indescribably warm — like a flame licking at your skin, burning so deep you feel it linger for weeks after. Arlecchino is not soft, far from it — but she blunts her jagged edges for you anyway, brushes her lips against your knuckles and allows you a moment of adoration. Carves her worship bone deep in the ghost of her touch against your lower back as she leans down, let's you wash away the blood certainly not her own, never blinking as if you'd simply up and leave if she stopped looking at you for even the smallest moment.

You are well aware she is caging you in. You let her.

Though she is still stiff as a board up to the moment you set the washcloth over the side of the basin, her jaw flexing again, a moment of consideration given. She is not used to soft and brittle things, though — not used to touch that does not lead to steel at her throat, in her gut, carving out softness like a butcher carves up meat, section by section.

But this affliction of affection is stronger than the discomfort, at times.

You almost half consider letting her take the room and have a night of proper rest, but she is faster than you — a calloused hand tilts your head back, half lidded eyes glinting beneath the weight of exhaustion, her thumb firm against your bottom lip. She could kill you without even blinking, you are aware, but she is nothing but careful with her touch — not soft, not Arlecchino, but there is adoration in her touch. Like thumbing a locket portrait, trying to imprint their features into memory by touch alone.

Her touch is fleeting, but the warmth lingers long after — you don't need to be touching to feel the weight of her attention. She stokes the flames of the dying fire, has one of the children bring a fresh pot of tea, lingers even when she doesn't have to. You're sure her desk in her office is far more comfortable to work at, but she'd crammed a small desk into the room anyway, stayed even long after you fell asleep most nights. You never did get to stay up long enough to notice her slip in beside you, nor wake up early enough to find her there with you, but the heat lingers — she leaves breakfast at your bedside table, a small note of affection if she's feeling particularly sappy. Even when you don't see her, she makes sure you feel her presence however she can.

Neither of you need to speak to express it. The silence is..oddly comfortable, filled by the shift of paper or scratch of a pen, the clink of a cup or crackle of fire. It's a little too easy to get lost in watching her work, masking a smile whenever she glanced back at you with a question on the tip of her tongue that goes unsaid.

It's better that way, you both think. The silence was best left undisturbed — as if trying to break it would be like breaking the mirror to each others lives. You don't busy yourself in the affairs of the House of the Hearth, and she doesn't make you. It's better that way, too. Maybe that makes you naive, blind even, to the bodies at her feet piled so high she could drown, but you don't want to give up this fragile tranquility.

So you let the dull scratch of a pen lull you to sleep, try not to smile too much when a hand reaches out in uncertainty to cup your cheek, thumb brushing over your cheek with so much affection it makes it hard to breathe.

It's a tenuous balance, but come the next night you will wipe the blood from her cheek again and she will care for you the only way she knows how — distant service.

And when you wake up to an empty bed, warm despite the fires long burned out, you'll still feel her presence in the allure of a warm drink and pastries at your bedside, a note tucked beneath the plate.

Just like the day before, and just as you expect tomorrow to be. But one day you'll gently pull apart the barbed wire and be let in — not today, no, but someday. It's a slow process, but you're patient enough to wait — and when she let's you in, you'll tend to the scars that it left like you've always done.

One step at a time, one day.

#fic tag #genshin impact x reader #arlecchino x reader #genshin x reader #gender neutral reader #so yall know how i said i probably wasnt gonna be writing like. at all. um.#so i lied <3 #IN MY DEFENSE ARLECCHINO IS HOLDING ME HOSTAGE YALL #dangled furi like a set of keys as a wishing ritual w just enough pulls 2 guarantee c0r1 CLORINDE #won on weapon banner..cool i have pulls left over so i can get a guarantee for next banner bc my luck SUCKS #let me friends choose. they chose arle banner. 0 pity first ten pull. CAPTURING RADIANCE C1 ARLE #sweating bullets. keep pulling. 50/50 win for c2 arle. end call #do ONE extra ten pull to try for c6 CHEV and get ANOTHER 0 PITY FIVE STAR. qiqi #guaranteed c3 furi now #i had enough pulls for 2 guaranteed 5 stars at high pity. i got FIVE.#i wasnt even really interested in arle cons but she had other plans man #sorry 2 whoever i stole arle from TWICE my bad #now im obligated to do a 5 part deep dive dissecting her brain #this is just the appetizer. i need distant arle who doesnt know how to function in a relationship. loser (affectionate)#arle just going well it kinda works for the kids surely it will work this time too right..#(spoilers it doesnt. she gets dragged into being loved and cared for kicking and screaming.)#but also butch who does acts of service as a love language ough............shes such a weirdo i need her #also no angst just arle being Traumatized tm. acting like a strict and unfeeling father...GET THERAPY!!!!#i could expand on how her story relates to gender and her masculinity but if i keep yapping ill hit the tag limit LMAOOOOOO #also lesbianism. bc arle is a lesbian this is true AND real trust me hoyo said so themselves guys #arle is like peak butch lesbian i am not even kidding #okay im packing up see yall in 6 months

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johnsbleu · 2 months ago

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Hold My Hand: John Wick x Reader Chapter 179

warnings: nsfw moment hmh masterlist

“Momma,” Ronan walks over to you with a flower in her hand, and you smile as you take it. “For you.”

“Well, thank you, baby.” you lean over and laugh when she tucks it behind your ear. “Where is your dad?”

Ronan shrugs before she rushes over and plays in the yard with Bleu. You’re supposed to be going on a walk, but John had something he needed to grab quickly, and he’s taking longer than expected.

After the Peter incident, it’s been…different around the house. John is just quiet and a little disengaged with things. It didn’t happen right away, but about a week after everything happened, John got really quiet. He got into his own head, which makes you worry. He’s been shutting himself in the basement more often than not, which means you and Ronan haven’t been spending as much time with him.

You take the flower out of your hair and set it on the table, then you open the patio door and stick your head in, “John, you still coming with us?”

“Uh, I don’t think so,” he calls from the office. “You two go without me.”

You frown a little, but you let him have his space, “Okay, well, we’ll be back in a bit then.”

Just as you go to shut the door, you see John poke his head around the corner, “I love you.”

“I love you too, John.” you smile softly, “We’ll be back in a bit.”

You watch as John goes back to the office and closes the door, and you try to keep yourself composed as you turn around to look down at Ronan.

“Daddy?”

“He’s busy, so it’s just us girls,” you say, praying she’ll be okay with it. “Is that okay?”

Ronan nods her head and holds up Bleu’s leash, so you take it and clip it to his collar. You lift up Ronan and put her into the stroller, then you fix her hat and make sure she’s bundled up. It’s not really that cold, but there’s a little nip in the air.

“Should we maybe go to the park?” you ask, and she nods. You lean down and kiss her cheek, “Alright, let’s go.”

Ronan is playing with some other kids at the park as you watch her, and she waves when she looks at you. You wave back at her and laugh when she giggles loudly. She truly can brighten any gloomy day. Even though it’s not really gloomy today, you feel gloomy. Whenever John isn’t feeling like himself, it hurts you. You just want him to be himself again, but you don’t want to push him. He’s allowed to process his emotions. It just sucks that he’s shutting you out.

“Hello, sister.” Tess says, leaning over the back of the bench you’re sitting on, “Watcha up to?”

You gesture to Ronan, “Just letting her get some energy out. How about you?”

“On a walk. It’s so nice,” Tess says, then she smiles as Jimmy chases Finn to the playground. She sits down next to you and rests her hands on her growing belly, “Where’s Wick?”

“He stayed home,” you say, watching Tess look at you from the corner of her eye.

She shifts a little on the bench to allow Jimmy to sit next to her, “He didn’t want to come with?”

“No, he’s…I don’t know,” you look down at your hands and shrug, “This past week or so, he’s been a little quiet. I know it’s not Helen, like an anniversary or anything, plus we talk about that stuff now. He’s open about it.”

“Think it’s Peter?” Jimmy asks, and you look at him. He inhales deeply and nods, “I worried he’d do this.”

You nod, “Me too.”

“Want me to talk to him?” he asks, and you look at him and shrug.

“It might be good for him to hear from someone else for a change.” you let out a stiff laugh, “I’m sure he’s sick of me.”

Tess shakes her head, “Don’t. This isn’t on you.”

“It’s just when he decides to shut down and shut people out, it’s so fucking lonely for those he shuts out, and I know he’s lonely too. Or maybe he’s not.” you whisper as you tear up, then you look at Jimmy, “Please talk to him.”

“I will,” he nods, reaching over for your hand, “I will.”

Tess smiles as she looks at you, “You up for some ice cream?”

Of course you were up for ice cream. You feel like shit and ice cream is obviously the answer. The idea of letting Ronan get energy out at the park ended up being pointless since she’s going crazy over some sugar now, but it’s fine. She’s playing with Finn in the playroom, so hopefully she’ll get the rest of her energy out.

When you got to Tess’ house, Jimmy went to your house to talk to John. You hope it’s going okay. John loves Jimmy and knows he wants the best for him, so hopefully John will be open with him.

“Have you two talked about the whole Peter thing?”

You nod, “We did. I was the one who told John to kill him, well, actually mom said it first.”

“Excuse me, mom said what?”

“Yeah,” you laugh quietly, “When we were in the hospital, she said she wouldn’t blame John if he killed him. She said she doesn’t understand everything about John’s past but she understands enough. Anyway, I told John at the police station that he should do it. I didn’t say it in those words, but it was implied. So, it’s not like I didn’t know John would do it. Hell, I knew he would before I ever even suggested it. I know John. I know he’ll do whatever he can to protect his family.”

Tess nods as she shifts on the couch, “What do you think is going on with him?”

“He’s getting into his head and overthinking everything, which means he shuts down. Gets emotionless. He said something the other day that concerned me, but I just kind of brushed it aside because I was tired of living life with a cloud over my head.”

“What did he say?”

You look at Tess, “He said he’s let his walls down and now he’s weak.”

“But him letting his walls down is actually the opposite. He’s strong and brave for allowing love back into his life. He understands what loss is. He’s incredibly brave for it.”

“And I told him that. I told him that letting his walls down is why I’m here and why we have a daughter. I just feel like maybe it went in one ear and out the other. Or maybe that’s not what is bothering him, or maybe he just needs to talk about something else. I hate feeling like this,” you frown as you look at her, “I hate not knowing what’s going on with him. He’s my best friend. I know him better than anyone, and I hate feeling like I don't know him right now.”

Tess opens her mouth to say something, but the front door opens as Jimmy walks in. You turn around to look at him, and he quickly leans down to kiss Tess before plopping into the chair and exhaling sharply.

“So, how did it go?”

Jimmy rubs his hands over his face--oh, it was that bad then. He sits up and shakes his head, “He has thick fucking walls, Y/N. I couldn’t crack him. I usually can. I have before in the past, you know, that’s my…that’s my fucking best friend, but I couldn’t. Not this time. I’m sorry.”

You sit back and sigh, “It’s fine. Thanks, Jimmy.”

“I can go over tomorrow and try again, but…”

“It’s okay,” you look at him and smile softly, “Thanks.”

Tess reaches for your hand, “So, what’s the plan?”

“He wants to be alone, so I’ll let him be alone.” you say, shrugging. “I mean, I’m always going to be there for him, but he clearly isn’t ready to talk about it, so I’ll give him space until he’s ready. I can wait. I love him more than anything; I can wait.”

“Wanna sleepover?” Tess asks, and you frown as you tear up and nod your head. She wraps her arm around your shoulder and looks at Jimmy, “Sorry, babe, I can’t snuggle with you tonight.”

Jimmy laughs as he gets up and kisses the top of her head, “That’s okay. I understand.”

You smile when Jimmy ruffles your hair, “Thanks, Jimmy.”

“Anything for family, right?” he says, and you nod your head. “No need to thank me.”

Since you’re just packing a little bag for the night, you left Ronan with Tess but you brought Bleu back home. He immediately goes to the last place John was--the office--but he quickly comes out and looks at you. You furrow your brow and look to your right at the basement door that is slightly open.

“Hey, you down here?”

“Yeah,” he says, and you make your way down to find him working on a book. He doesn’t even look up at you. “How was your walk?”

You let out a small laugh, “Our walk ended about three hours ago, but it was fine. Thanks for asking. Um, Ro and I are going to stay the night at Tess’.”

That gets his attention. He looks up at you, “Why?”

“The kiddos wanted a sleepover, and you know Tess, she loves them too.” you say, and John nods before looking down. “You’ll be okay here?”

“Yeah, I’ll be fine.”

You inhale deeply as you shuffle in place a little, “I’ll miss you.”

“Well, I’ll be here,” he says, which completely shatters you.

You blink a few times to rid your eyes of tears, “I’m gonna go pack a bag for us.”

“Did you send Jimmy over to talk to me?” he asks as you step onto the stairs. You look over your shoulder at him and shake your head. He sets his utensils down, “You did.”

“I just wanted, maybe, ugh…” you turn around and gesture to him, “You’re being quiet, so I thought maybe you didn’t want to talk to me, and if you didn’t want to talk to me, maybe you’d want to talk to your best friend. I guess I was wrong.”

John nods, “I appreciate you looking out for me, but I don’t want to talk about it.”

“You have to eventually, John. It’ll eat you alive otherwise. Just talk to me.” you say, walking over to him, “Talk to me.”

John rests his hands on your waist and looks up at you, “I can’t. Not right now.”

“Am I asking too much of you? Am I being too much? How can I fix it?”

“This isn’t you.”

“No, this isn’t you. Being so quiet, shutting me out, it’s not you, John. You’re not that guy anymore.”

John shakes his head, “I’m always going to be that guy.”

“Stop repeating words you’ve heard from enemies.” you say, tilting his chin up, “Listen to me, listen to someone who loves you: you’re not that guy.”

“I appreciate it, I do, but…” he looks down and sighs, “Just not now, okay?”

You frown as you look at him so small and defeated, “Okay. I’ll be at Tess’ if you…need me.”

He won’t call. Maybe he’ll text just to say he loves Ronan or something, but you know you won’t hear from him for the rest of the night.

“I love you,” you whisper to him, and he looks at you as you walk to the stairs. “While you’re busy putting up all those walls again, remember who broke them down last time. I did once, I’ll do it again.”

You can’t avoid the house, nor do you want to. It’s your home, and John isn’t some big, scary creature; he’s just having a hard time. Maybe just your presence will make him feel a little better or something. Probably not, but it’s worth a shot.

When you got home, you saw that the kitchen and living room were a little less than tidy, plus you had a big pile of clothes that needed to be washed. Logan has always washed his own clothes, but since he’s been working a lot more than usual, he hasn’t had the time, so his clothes are in a basket in the laundry room as well. You’ll toss them in and get that taken care of first.

As you sift through his clothes, you peek out to the living room and see Ronan playing by herself with her toys. You smile when she makes a little noise, then you load the washer and turn to grab some soap.

“Daddy!” Ronan calls out, and you peek around the corner again, watching as Ronan hugs John tight.

“Hi, baby girl.” John ruffles her hair a little and smiles when she holds up a toy to show him. He sits down on the floor with her and plays for a few minutes, “Are you being good for momma?”

You watch as Ronan nods her head and points to where you’re standing. You quickly move so John can’t see you, then you put the soap in the washer and start it. Since there’s nothing left for you to do in the laundry room, you head to the kitchen and start cleaning up in there. You gather up some papers that have been sitting on the counter for a few days and bring them to the office, tucking them away in a drawer. You’ll deal with them later.

John is, surprisingly, still playing with Ronan when you walk past, and you smile to yourself when you hear the two of them laughing. Even though he’s shutting you out, it’s nice that he’s spending a little time with her. He adores her, and she adores him.

After spraying and wiping down the counters, you start the dishwasher and put away some small items that are around. You really want to mop the kitchen floor, but Ronan isn’t ready for a nap yet. You want to do it once she’s napping so that she won’t walk on the wet floor, plus you can mop and have a little snack afterward while you wait for it to dry.

John clears his throat, “Hey.”

“Hey,” you glance up at him from where you’re cleaning the windows.

“How was your…sleepover?”

You shrug, “It was okay. We crashed in the basement, and it was really cold.”

“Yeah, their basement is freakishly cold.”

“Probably a ghost,” you joke, and John’s lips tip up a little. “Are you busy?”

John nods, “Yeah, just working on some stuff. I heard noise up here, so I just wanted to see Ronan.”

You look over at him and feel your nose burn as you tear up. He looks at you and widens his eyes before shaking his head.

“No, that…that came out wrong. I wanted to see you too--”

“It’s fine,” you put your hand up and wave it off, “She’s cute and can barely talk. I get why you’d just want to see her.”

John steps closer, “It’s not that I didn’t want to see you.”

“You just didn’t want to talk to me,” you say, holding his gaze, “I get it. We don’t have to talk. I’ll go back to doing what I’m doing.”

God, this is killing you! You just want to fucking talk to him. He obviously doesn’t realize that what he’s saying is hurtful and it sucks. You know John, so you know he’ll apologize for acting this way, but until he’s ready to talk, it will be a lonely time.

You look over your shoulder to see John looking around the kitchen for something, “What are--”

“Where was the paper that was here?” he says, tapping the counter, “I had a paper here that I needed. It was important. I need it.”

“I…” you set the cleaner aside and walk around to search the drawers, “I just was cleaning and I put--”

John sighs, “You misplaced it. Or threw it away.”

“I didn’t throw it--”

“I really needed that, Y/N”

You look at him, “And I’ll find it. Calm down.”

“I just needed--”

“You needed it. Yeah, got it,” you roll your eyes and close the drawer, then you head to the office to find the stack of papers you had earlier. You bring them back to John and throw them a little too hard on the counter, and some slide to the floor. “Is it in this pile?”

John looks through them and takes one, nodding his head, “Yes, it’s here.”

“So, no, I did not misplace it or throw it away. You’re welcome.” you say, and John looks at you and opens his mouth, but you stop him. “Don’t. I really do want an apology, but you’re being a true asshole right now. You can shut me out all you want, but I draw the line at being a dick to me. I’m not cool with that. I’ve always stood up for myself, and that won’t stop today. You’re being mean and incredibly unfair to me when all I’m doing is giving you space or just trying to let you know I’m here for you. If you’re going to continue to be mean to me, then you can go back downstairs and continue ignoring me too.”

“Look…”

You turn to him, “John, no! I said I’m not looking for an apology right now. You’ve made me feel like shit. I want to be left alone. I’m respecting you; do the same for me.”

John stands there for a moment before he lets out a sharp sigh, “Fine.”

Looking ahead, you watch John from the corner of your eye as he waits for a moment. You know this man better than anyone, so you know he’s waiting for a moment longer so he can see if he can apologize yet. Not only is this killing you, but deep down, you know in your heart it’s killing him too.

John taps the paper against the counter, “I’ll be downstairs.”

The moment you hear the basement door shut, you put your head down on the counter and cry.

You’re ready to talk to John. Whether he’s ready to talk to you or not is still the question. He’s been up and down from the basement all day today. You think he’s trying to work up the courage to talk to you, but you feel like he doesn’t know how to go about it.

After stepping out onto the patio with a cup of coffee, you smile when you see Ronan playing with Bleu. She gives her best attempt at throwing the ball for him, and it only goes a few feet, but Bleu is very enthusiastic about it anyway. He gets it and immediately drops it at her feet.

You look over your shoulder when you hear the door open, and you smile softly at John before looking back at Ronan. John chuckles quietly when he sees her throw the ball for Bleu.

“She can’t throw very far, but he doesn’t care,” you say as John stands next to you. You sip your coffee and offer him some. Surprisingly, he takes a drink of it before handing it back. You take a deep breath and look at him, “Can we talk now?”

John looks down at the ground as he shuffles in place, “I don’t know.”

“I don’t want to force you to talk about it if you’re not ready, but I can’t keep doing this.” you say, turning to face him, “I can’t live my life without talking to you. I can’t live my life without you. I can’t live my life with you shutting me out. I want to talk. I want to listen to you. I just want to fix whatever is broken and move past it. Not because I just want to get past it, but I want you to be okay. I want my husband back.”

John blinks as he looks at Ronan, then he furrows his brow, “What is she doing?”

“She’s playing in a pile of leaves.” you say, deflating and tilting your head back, “John, we need to talk.”

John pushes past you, “No, she’s playing in the flowers. Ronan Charlotte!”

You watch as John walks over to her and grabs the dead flower in her hand, and you immediately follow him.

“Where did you find this?” he asks, and Ronan points at the ground.

Your heart sinks to the ground when you realize she’s been playing on the spot where Daisy is buried. John plants flowers there every spring. They’ve died, but they’re still there and will be until next spring when he plants them again.

“You do not play there, and you do not take these flowers, you understand me?”

Ronan instantly starts crying, because why wouldn’t she when her gentle and sweet dad is scolding her, and you lean down and pick her up, looking at John in horror. He’s never yelled at her. He’s barely even scolded her.

John huffs, “She’s not supposed to play on that spot.”

“She didn’t know.”

John shakes his head, “I’ve told her before. She didn’t listen. You can’t play there!”

“Jonathan!” you turn Ronan away from him, “Stop! She is a toddler. Stop yelling at her!”

“I’ve told her before--”

You put your hand up to stop him, furrowing your brow and looking at him in disgust, “Stop! Who the hell are you right now? Yelling at our daughter for playing in leaves, for picking flowers. I don’t…I don’t know you right now.”

It must be a sobering thing for him to hear because John’s entire demeanor immediately changes. His tense shoulders relax, his cold eyes turn warm but sad.

“I’m…”

You shake your head, holding Ronan tight to your chest as she cries. John steps forward, so you step back and put your hand out.

“Don’t.”

John begins to crumble, “Mouse, I wouldn’t…I wouldn’t hurt you.”

You scoff, “Right now I don’t know who you even are, so I can’t say that I believe you.”

“You think I’d hurt you?”

“Do I think you’d physically hurt me? No, of course not, John. But you have hurt me. You have hurt me all week, Jonathan. You’ve been fucking mean to me and to Ronan. You’ve ignored us.” you say, and he frowns. “Don’t follow me inside. Just…leave us alone for a bit. Now I’m shutting you out.”

John puts his hand over his heart as if it hurts, “Don’t do this. I can’t…I can’t deal with that right now. I need you.”

“You should have thought about that sooner.”

You hoist Ronan up and kiss her cheek as you walk into the house, soothing her along the way. You close the door behind you and look back at John as he watches you, then you head up to Ronan’s room with her in your arms.

Who would have guessed that sleeping on your daughter’s tiny bed would cause your back to hurt? You feel stiff as a board as you get up and stretch. You stretch your arms above your head and yawn before looking down to see Ronan isn’t in bed. You open the door and hear a fork scraping against a plate and Ronan giggling, and you put your hand over your heart where it’s hammering away.

“Want more?” John asks, and Ronan nods her head as she looks up at him. He leans down and kisses the top of her head, “Hungry little bug.”

You smile as you watch John looking down at her adoringly. You clear your throat and give him a small wave when he looks at you.

“Hey, I just got her some breakfast. She…crawled into bed with me this morning.”

You pull the sleeves of your sweater down over your hands, “Yeah, I think she was tired of sharing with me. Sorry about that, bug.”

“I had plenty of room to share with her,” he says, and you look at him, “You could have crawled into bed with me too.”

“Yeah, well,” you shrug as you lean against the counter, “Me from last night didn’t want that.”

John chuckles, “But you from this morning with a stiff back…”

“Yeah, she, on the other hand, would have loved it.” you say, letting out a small laugh. You look up at John as he watches you, then you take a deep breath and say something just as John does. He gestures for you to start, but you shake your head and gesture to him.

“I made breakfast.” he says quietly, gesturing to the counter, “I haven’t made pancakes for a while, so I thought I would.”

You lean on your elbows on the counter and grab a pancake. You rip a piece off and eat it, “Peace offering?”

“It’d be a rather poor one,” he says, and you look at him as he grimaces, “I can do better.”

“No need to do anything for me.”

John nods, “I already apologized to her. She…stuck her finger up my nose, so I think she’s forgiven me. I can’t tell though. She’s a hard one to read, kind of like her mom.”

“You understand why I’m upset?”

“Absolutely.” he nods, and you set down your half-eaten pancake. “And I want to talk about everything."

“Let’s sit down and have a real conversation,” you suggest, motioning toward the table. John nods in agreement, his expression serious yet open. “Let’s talk about what’s really going on.”

“I know things have been strained between us,” John begins, his voice tinged with sincerity. “I can’t exactly explain everything I’ve been feeling because it doesn’t make sense. It really doesn’t. But I want to apologize. I want to fix this.”

You listen intently, feeling a glimmer of hope. There is so much vulnerability in his eyes. You’re honestly a little surprised he’s having this conversation in front of Ronan, but this is how you know he’s ready to talk. You could be petty and tell him you’ll talk to him when you’re ready and make him wait, but you’re not that person. You’re his wife who loves him more than anything in this world, and you want this weird tension to end.

John reaches across the table for your hand, “I’ve been an asshole to you. I’ve been mean, I’ve been distant. I made our baby cry. Trust me, nothing in this world could make me feel worse than that.”

“Why? Why have you been acting like this? I thought everything was fine,” you hold John’s hand with both of yours, and he leans over more, placing his hand on top of yours. “After Peter, I thought things had gone back to normal.”

“Remember what you said about me putting my walls back up…” he says, and you nod. “I started to put them back up. I quickly realized putting them back up hurts the people I love the most. I was pushing you away.”

You bite your cheek before you squeeze his hand, “Was it a self-preservation thing? Trying to protect yourself like you did before?”

“I think so,” he admits, and you squeeze his hand again, “There was a moment where I thought that if I put those walls up again, I’d be…safe. It was so second nature to me that I didn’t even realize I was doing it at first. I don’t want to lose you, and putting those walls up caused me to lose you.”

“You didn’t lose me.”

John looks down, “Yet.”

You loosen your grip on his hands and pull away, and John furrows his brow and leans over more for your hand.

“What do you mean ‘yet’?” you stare at him as you tear up, “Are…are you breaking up with me?”

“No! Oh my god, no.” he says, pulling your chair as close as he can to him, “Hell would have to freeze over before I ever did that.”

“Then what do you mean by ‘yet’?”

John sighs, “I can’t stop feeling this way. I don’t want to get hurt. I can’t stop feeling like I have to protect myself.”

“Do you remember when we first started dating?” you ask, and John smiles as he nods. “Remember how I would be so weirded out when you’d do nice things for me? I’d immediately assume you just wanted to get laid, but I quickly learned that you were just really nice. You’re just a really nice guy, I still think that now. Remember how you’d try to do something nice for me and I’d immediately try to shut it down because…no one has ever just done nice things for me before. You taught me to let my guard down and allow someone to just be nice to me, and because of that, well, here we are.”

“This is a little different from that.”

You shrug, “Maybe so, but we’ve gone on to have such a great relationship because, while yes, someone hurt me so deeply in my past, I don’t let it define my life now. If I did, John, we wouldn’t even be together still. I would have completely sabotaged our relationship, and sometimes, if I don’t catch myself right away, I still see myself getting ready to do it because despite everything, sometimes I feel like I still don’t deserve this life.”

“But you do,” he whispers, reaching over to cup your face, “You deserve everything, Y/N. You deserve every good thing life has to offer.”

You cock up your brow and smile at him, “Now say that to yourself.”

“That’s different,” he drops his hand and sighs, “I’ve done…bad things.”

“Who the hell cares? Do I look like I care?” you ask, and he laughs quietly. “Is this…because of Peter?”

John looks at you, “I haven’t had to be that person for a long time, and I guess I’m having some sort of conflict over it. Imposter syndrome or whatever.”

“John, you deserve a good and happy life, and guess what?” you whisper, tilting his chin up, “John Wick deserves one too. I don’t just love Jonathan, I also love John Wick. I love every side and every inch of that man, you know that, right? I love every single part of you.”

“If Helen were here and I had to do this,” he shakes his head, “She’d never forgive me.”

You smile softly when he looks at you, “But I’m not Helen.”

“I know,” he nods, reaching for your hand again, “I know you’re not.”

“And John, she loved you. She’d have forgiven you. Despite you thinking you’re some monster who is cursed, you’re not. You’re just a guy.”

John starts to laugh, “Well, thanks.”

“You know what I mean!” you laugh as you get up and sit in his lap, “You don’t ever need to apologize to me for protecting me. I told you what needed to be done. You needed to kill him. I would have done it myself!”

“You don’t ever have to do that stuff. You have me for that.”

A smile spreads on your face as you look at him, “Don’t shut me out. No matter what you’re feeling. I want to know because I want to help, and even if I can’t help, it’ll help you to just get it off your chest. Doesn’t it feel good to just talk to someone?”

“It does.” he nods, then he puts his hand over his face, “I am so sorry.”

“You’re still learning.” you say, pressing a kiss to his cheek, “We’re still learning. Yeah, we’ve been together for a few years now, but we’re constantly learning more about each other. We’re being put into different situations every day, and it helps us learn more about each other. We’re not automatically going to know how to navigate all of it just because we love each other. But because we love each other, we’re always going to want to help the other. I love you more than anything in this world, and all I’ve wanted these past few days was to make you feel better. I wanted to make all the bad feelings you were having go away.”

John touches your cheek gently, “I love you.”

“I love you too,” you smile at him, “Don’t shut me out.”

“I won’t,” he shakes his head as he leans up to kiss you, “I promise I won’t. God, I completely shut Jimmy out too. He probably…hates me.”

“Stop saying things like that. No one hates you because you’re having an emotion that’s something other than happiness. We get mad, we get sad, we get anxious, we shut down, but no one hates us for it. I do not hate you for it. Jimmy does not hate you for it.”

John’s eyes are so sad as he looks at you, “I shut you out.”

“You did,” you nod. You’re not going to beat around the bush. “You really hurt my feelings. You scared me.”

“I’m sorry, I really am,” he cups your face and rubs his thumb over your cheek, “I’m…so worried that word will get out to people and they’ll think I’m coming back.”

You furrow your brow, “Like last time?”

“I went back in for a reason. Someone wronged me, and I wanted revenge for that. Then suddenly, people were coming out of the woodwork…”

“Santino?” you ask, and John nods, “Yeah, but he’s dead. I think everyone would understand why you did what you did; to protect your family. Peter was…a nobody. He didn’t know you. He didn’t know your past.”

John nods, “I just don’t want anyone to try to pull me back.”

“If they try, they’ll have to deal with me, because if you go, I go. Two minutes in a car with me, and they’d bring you back.” you say as John laughs, “Trust me, if someone were to step foot into this house and try to pull you back in, I would stand in their way and not move. I’m not letting you go back to that life. You deserve to have a good life, John, and I’m going to make sure that you have it.”

“I do have a good life, because of you.” he says, and you wrap your arm around his shoulder and hug him. He holds you close and rests his head on your chest, “I’m truly so sorry.”

You close your eyes and rest your cheek against the top of his head, “Thank you.”

“You should never feel that way, and I always promised that I’d never make you feel that, but I did.”

Sitting back, you look at him, “It would be so unfair to you if I didn’t allow you to have any emotions. How unfair would it be if someone told you that you’re never allowed to get upset or sad or pissed off about something? I would be beyond upset if that happened to me. I’m allowed to feel every emotion under the sun, and you are too. I will never be the person who tells you how to feel. That’s not fair to the person that I love, and it’s not realistic. It is so unrealistic and, again, unfair to hold you to a standard where you’re not allowed to feel certain things.”

“I hate when we fight.”

“I do too! But not to sound like a broken record, it is genuinely so unrealistic to hold you to some standard where you aren’t allowed to be upset or have emotions. I truly hate the saying ‘love means never having to say sorry’, because it basically just means you get to treat someone like shit and never apologize, but you and I, we apologize. Immediately once the dust has settled.”

John chuckles, “Because I don’t like when we’re not getting along.”

“And I don’t either.” you press a kiss to his lips and hold his gaze. “You’re allowed to feel things, John. You’re allowed to not always be happy. Okay? And when you feel like shutting down, just don’t shut me out. I want to help.”

Letting out a big breath, John reaches up and tucks your hair behind your ear, “I won’t. I promise I won’t shut you out.”

“Okay, good. And no one is coming back to drag you into that world, okay? I’m not kidding when I say I will stand in their way. You’re not going anywhere. We need you,” you say, gesturing to yourself and Ronan, who is covered in maple syrup, “We need our guy. Don’t we, Ro?”

Ronan nods her head, “Yuh!”

You laugh when you see Ronan with maple syrup on her face, “See? We need you here, and you’ve already been gone for too long.”

John smiles, “It was a rough few days.”

“I know, but you’re back, right?” you ask, holding his gaze as he nods. “Good. I’ve missed you so much.”

“I missed you too,” he whispers back, pulling you closer so he can kiss you.

You smile softly, “How are you feeling?”

“Better,” he nods, sighing a little, “Still worried someone is going to call, but if they do, I have no problem telling them that I’m done. I want to be here.”

“And those walls you were putting up to protect yourself?”

John nods, “They’re gone.”

“Good. I mean…” you get up and flex your arm, “I have no problem busting them down again. I did last time.”

“Effortlessly, to be honest.” John says, and you smile as he stands up in front of you. He pulls you closer and wraps his arms around your waist, “I’m sorry.”

You let out a small laugh, “I appreciate the apology.”

“And you forgive me?”

“Of course I do, babe.” you wrap your arms around his neck and smile at him, “Remember? Love means never having to say you’re sorry.”

John begins to laugh, “Yeah, at face value, that quote is pretty shit.”

“I forgive you, John. I just want you to be able to come to me next time instead of shutting me out.”

“And I will. I didn’t…want to bother you with--”

You gasp, “Bother me? You? Bother me? Do you think you’ve ever bothered me before? I’m your wife! You do not bother me. The only thing that bothers me is that you feel like you bother me.”

John laughs, “Okay. That’s good to know.”

“What didn’t you want to bother me with?”

“I didn’t want to keep talking about him.” he says, and you nod. “I didn’t want to bring it up and upset you. We went through a lot. But I did need someone to talk about it with. I wanted that person to be you.”

You smile softly and whisper, “I am that person. I will always be that person. Do you still want to talk about it?”

John takes a deep breath and nods, “I do.”

“Okay, well--”

Ronan throws a pancake onto the floor and fusses, kicking her legs, “Out!”

“Later?” John says, and you lean up to kiss him.

“I will always make time for you and your emotions, John. I’m always gonna be here.” you cup his face while Ronan continues to cry, and you both start to laugh. “Tonight. You and me. We will talk all night long.”

John nods, “Sounds good.”

“Okay, I’m coming,” you say to Ronan as you get her out of the high chair, “You are filthy! You need a bath.”

“Thank you,” John says as you begin to leave the kitchen, and you turn around to look at him. “For being patient with me.”

You laugh, “I wasn’t exactly patient, and I certainly wasn’t very nice. I am sorry for that.”

“You were better than some people would have been.” he says, and you shrug. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” you smile at him, then you lift up Ronan and look at him, “I am all yours tonight, John, and I’m all ears. I’ll be there for you.”

John puts his hand over his heart and smiles, “Thank you.”

You and John spent about an hour just talking about everything. He opened up to you and shared how he had been feeling. He truly just didn’t want to bother anyone with his feelings, which is crazy to you. You’re his wife, and you thought that he would know he could come to you. He just didn’t want to keep bringing up his past and Peter, which you understood in the end.

John pulls the blanket over your bare shoulder and smiles softly, “I missed you.”

“Oh, no, you mean you missed sex.”

“No!” he laughs, and you smile at him. “I mean, yeah, but that wasn’t what I was concerned with. I hate when we’re fighting or not getting along.”

You scoot closer and feel the warmth radiating from his naked body, “Me too. It’s lonely when you shut me out.”

“You’ve shut me out before, so I know what it feels like too,” he whispers, closing his eyes, “It’s not fun.”

“We should probably never do that again, huh?”

John laughs, “Yeah, I will never do that again.”

“Good,” you lean over and kiss him.

“At first I didn’t even realize I was pushing you away. I just got so focused on some work, and next thing I knew, I hadn’t talked to you all day. You were in bed when I finally came upstairs. Ronan was asleep. I didn’t even get to eat dinner with my girls or watch a movie.” he says, and you nod. He exhales as he shakes his head, “I am so sorry. I am more than sorry. I don’t know how long you want me to keep apologizing, but I’ll do it forever. I will beg and plead for your forgiveness, if I’m even worthy of it.”

You let out a small laugh, “Stop it. I love you, Jonathan. I didn’t ask for you to apologize 17 times. Once is enough for me as long as it’s genuine, which I know it is. I forgive you. And of course you’re worthy of my forgiveness.”

“Should I go check on Ro?” he asks quietly, and you smile at him before you nod.

Ronan is only a toddler, but John is desperate to know if she’s forgiven him--she has! She was clinging to him all night after dinner. She doesn’t even know what was happening, but John still feels awful for having yelled at her.

“I’ll be back,” John whispers, and you watch as he gets up and puts on his pajama pants and a t-shirt before disappearing around the corner to Ronan’s room.

You shift under the blankets a little and freeze when you hear the front door open. Logan is home. You can hear John’s voice, but you can’t make out the words, so you grab the blanket and wrap it around yourself to peek around the corner.

“I wanted to apologize,” John says, and you frown as you look down at him and Logan, “I’ve been a little distant lately.”

“I don’t blame you. What happened was nuts,” Logan says, and John nods. “I know it was hard on Y/N, which meant it was hard on you.”

John nods again, “It was, but we’re good now. I’m…sorry if I ignored you. I hope it didn’t remind you of your dad or anything.”

“Nah,” Logan waves it off, “You two couldn’t be any more different. Trust me, I understand. And hopefully this doesn’t sound rude, but I’ve been working so much that I hadn’t been around for a lot of it. Y/N was really alone then, huh?”

“She was,” John glances up at you, and you smile at him. “I think she’s good now. I hope she is.”

You laugh when they both look at you, “Yeah, I’m good.”

“We have plans tomorrow.” John says as he backs away, “You’re invited. Family day.”

Logan laughs, “Yeah, okay. Cool.”

“Goodnight,” Logan waves, then he heads to the kitchen for a late-night snack.

John smiles as he comes back up the stairs, and you back away and laugh when he shuts the door and locks it behind him. You open up the blanket and close your eyes when he wraps his arms around you and kisses you as you walk backwards toward your bed.

“Lay down, beautiful,” John whispers, and you do as you’re told. He fixes the blankets and holds your gaze as he pulls his shirt off and takes off his pajama pants.

You smile when he crawls back into bed with you, “Might want to turn the TV on. A little extra noise.”

John laughs as he reaches for the remote to turn it on. He turns the volume up just two clicks more than usual. It’s not too loud, but at least no one will be able to hear what’s happening in your bedroom.

“Ready?” you ask, and John scoffs before he playfully rolls his eyes and nods. “I’m just asking. The last one was…intense.”

“I’m always ready.” he says, and you shiver a little when he looks into your eyes.

You hum as he kisses you, “Good.”

After he turns off the light on his nightstand, John leans over and kisses you deeply, and you close your eyes and reach up to cup his face. He moves to hover above you, so you take the invitation and scoot over until you’re beneath his body. Using his legs, he spreads your legs open, and you both let out a breath when he slides between your legs with ease. You whimper into his mouth as he pushes himself in deeper, your nails digging into his back.

You bite your bottom lip to keep yourself from moaning too loudly, but when John thrusts his hips, you can’t help but let it out. You put your hand over your mouth and squeeze your eyes shut for a moment, then you reach up and grab a fistful of John’s hair, gripping it in your hand; he does the same to you.

Your head involuntarily tilts back as you moan, “Oh, fuck, John.”

“I love you,” John whispers against your forehead as he thrusts his hips, “I love you so much.”

You kiss John desperately as he rolls his hips, “Show me how much you love me.”

Those are the last words from your lips before John sits up and flips you over onto your stomach. He pulls you up by your hips and slides back between your legs, and you instantly dissolve into moans.

He trails kisses up your spine, sending shivers down your body. His hands explore every inch of your skin, finding their way up to your breasts. He cups them in his hands and gently helps you sit up so you’re leaning back against his chest. You roll your hips and moan softly, and John sucks on your neck for a moment before he places his hand over your mouth.

“Fuck me harder,” you demand, and John chuckles softly into your ear before laying you back down on the bed.

“Don’t have to tell me twice.”

You feel his warm breath against your skin as he trails kisses down your neck, covering your body in goosebumps. His hands explore your body with a gentle and soft touch, igniting a fire within you. All worries and stress melt away as you lose yourself with John, and his whispered words of love.

taglist:

@spiderfangirl22 @im--blushing @ruby-octo @sunnythebunny7 @livetosing21 @lilithlinen @ladyren33 @multifandombliss @tnu-ree @scream-queen-25 @beingnerdyissupercool @sakurachan-9

#john wick x y/n #john wick x reader #john wick x you #john wick imagine #fic: hold my hand #idk this chapter didn't turn out as exactly how i wanted but i still like it #i love john so much and his big complicated feelings lol #and i love reader and her understanding heart #I LOVE THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#anyway i hope yall enjoy this!#things ramp back up in the next few chapters :) they were very fun to write #ok love yall byeeeee #stay safe and warm out there!

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