#hot sauron who fucks

[humorously-yours]

Gather here Tolkien readers, I have some questions for you. Kindly answer.🥺🙏🏻

What does that mean when Adar said to Galadriel about Sauron that "He offered me Children"??

"Sometimes to find the light, we must first touch the darkness" Does this phrase means that Galadriel once considered Halbrand as her friend before knowing his truth that he is Sauron or does it mean that she will join Sauron soon in the next season as I have read those blogs who are saying that?

I have heard that there is no mention of love interest between Sauron & Galadriel in the books, She only loved her husband Celeborn. As show makers already changed a lot of original lore, so will it be alright if they show Saurondriel kiss in real?? And based on your knowledge, I request you to tell me about the consequences of their kiss in the story line.

In the Lotr franchise, Sauron was too week to get a physical form again and at last have to turned himself into Necromancer and the flaming eye form, still he had an army to search for the One Ring. My quest. is what if he would actually got the ring. How would he be able to wear it & use its power??

[hibernobritonicdrunk]

[liminal-zone]

Last week, my favorite podcaster blorbo Joanna Robinson was asking twitter for the origin of ‘hot ___ who fucks’ and ofc it was so she could say ‘hot sauron who fucks’ on the pod and unfortunately the origin was HOT ARCHIE WHO FUCKS. Anyway-

[hirazuki]

Dates with Maedhros, Celebrimbor, and Luthien acquired. Finrod pending.

All in all, a productive day ^^

[shady-swan-jones]

"If they wanted us to stop calling him Hot Sauron Who Fucks, they shouldn't have made him look like this: the shining eyes, the curling locks, the very visible smattering of chest hair, I have no notes, this was great"

Mallory Rubin, House of R, Ep 1-3 deep dive (x)

[quinacridonered]

Rings of Power Recap - Season 2, Episode 4

ROP Recap S02 E04

Galadriel: You still mad?

Elrond: Affirmative.

Galadriel: And I have to do what you tell me?

Elrond: Affirmative.

Galadriel: And we are going on foot for no particular reason?

Elrond: Affirmative.

Galadriel: Gonna be a long trip to Eregion.

Broken Bridge: Longer than you think.

--

Homeless Wizard: There’s goats here?

Tom Bombadil: And honey! And soap!

Homeless Wizard: What is soap?

Tom Bombadil: Catch! No, no, don’t eat it.

Tom Bombadil’s Wife: *is evident*

Homeless Wizard: Who else is here?

Tom Bombadil: I could answer but I prefer gaslighting and mind-fuckery.

Sauron: Hey, that’s my thing!

--

Hobbits: Oh look! Other hobbits!

Other Hobbits: Oh look! Other other hobbits!

Probably Not Saruman’s Minions: Surrender the superfluous hobbits!

Other Hobbits: Our bloodymindedness is inversely proportional to our height.

Minions: And we are helpless before it. 

--

Homeless Wizard: Will you be my Yoda?

Tom Bombadil: Remains to be seen.

Homeless Wizard: Is Sauron my father?

Tom Bombadil: Wrong franchise. 

--

Elrond: Let’s go via the Barrow Downs. In Elvish, they are called “Don’t Go, There Are Wights There.”

Wights: BOO!

Elf #3: Holy shit! There are Wights here! 

Elf #4: I would answer but they already ate me.

Galadriel: *stab-stab-stab*

Wights: LOL

Elrond: Actually, you have to use their own weapons.

Galadriel: Nobody likes a pedant, Elrond.

--

Theo: I don’t know who imprisoned me, but I’m more scared of my co-prisoners.

Isildur: Hang in there, we’re co….

Ent Wife: FUCK! THIS! NOISE!

Isildur: And now a homicidal talking tree. Great.

Ent Wife: I shall smite!

Arondir: *speaks elvish*

Ent Wife: Or I’ll just chill with my ent husband.

Isildur: Wow, that really calmed her down.

Arondir: Elvish is very soothing.

Isildur: It’s the dental fricatives, isn’t it?

Arondir: And the diphthongs.

--

Galadriel: You still mad?

Elrond: Affirmative.

Galadriel: *ring-induced hallucinations*

Elrond: You just flashed back to Hot Sauron again, didn’t you?

Galadriel: No! Not at all!

Elrond: The lady doth protest too much.

Shakespeare: Has this line been cleared with my estate?

--

Elf #3: I hear drums.

Elf # 5: Could be a rave.

Elrond: Could be Adar’s army.

Galadriel: Can I go back to being a commander now?

Elrond: I can check with Elf Principal.

Galadriel: Take good care of my precious.

Elrond: You want me to carry your evil jewellery? What about our previous conversations indicates to you that I would find this even remotely acceptable? I don’t want to hallucinate Hot Sauron!

Galadriel: Gotta go! Orcs to stab!

Elf #3: She’s really focused.

Elrond: Eru help us.

--

Orc Daddy: A star shines upon the hour of our meeting, Lady Galadriel.

Lady Galadriel: Oh fuck.

---

More recaps:

Season 2, Episode 1

Season 2, Episode 2

Season 2, Episode 3

[serregon]

what your favorite Tolkien ship says about you

Sam/Frodo - looking back on your childhood, you can pinpoint Lord of the Rings as the beginning of your crippling addiction to soft gay cottagecore

Aragorn/Legolas - you still have that poster of Orlando Bloom from a tiger beat magazine that you taped to your bedroom wall when you were 10

Legolas/Gimli - you are a firm believer in the inherent eroticism of height differences

Aragorn/Boromir - you are a firm believer in the inherent eroticism of dying tragically, like if you cry every time

Aragorn/Arwen - your ideal date involves being carried off into the sunset by a buff man who drinks nothing but respect women juice

Eowyn/Faramir - you spend your days panhandling outside Peter Jackson’s house for footage of the deleted wedding scene

Eowyn/Merry - you saw Eowyn stabbing the witch king and you were like, “god I wish that were me”

Arwen/Eowyn - your ideal relationship dynamic is just girls being friends, gals being pals

Elrond/Celebrian - you just want good things for Elrond, and really, who wouldn’t?

Galadriel/Celeborn - you were thrilled when “Barbie is everything, he’s just Ken” became the hot new meme

Sam/Rosie - you are heterosexual

Galadriel/Sauron - you are extremely heterosexual

Bilbo/Thorin - you have written at least one fix-it fic where Thorin and Bilbo raise baby Frodo together

Thranduil/Bard - you’re just here for the dilfs

Thranduil/Thorin - your ideal relationship dynamic is that one meme that’s like “fuck you” “fuck me yourself, you coward”

Melkor/Sauron - your addiction to edgy boys got so bad that one day you were like “hey you know what’s better than one edgy boy? two edgy boys”

Maedhros/Fingon - you have a thirty page google doc citing HoME quotes that you incest—I mean insist—are proof that Maedhros and Fingon are Gil-galad’s true parents

Fëanor/Nerdanel - you have gotten into at least three heated internet arguments with people who think Fëanor is a fascist

Celebrimbor/Annatar - your ideal date involves getting pinned up against the wall by your sworn enemy as they place the tip of their sword just underneath your chin and then use it to tilt your head up a little

Celebrimbor/Narvi - half of you are coming here from shipping gimleaf, half of you just want Annatar to get eiffel towered

Túrin/Beleg - you are a firm believer in the inherent eroticism of the “I’ll cut your throat” “you’re beautiful” scene from Princess Mononoke

Haleth/Caranthir - you’re always a slut for MEN! GETTING! PEGGED!

Glorfindel/Ecthelion - your ideal relationship dynamic is verified himbo, certified morosexual

Maglor/Daeron - you are a film believer in the inherent eroticism of dramatic breakup songs

Beren/Lúthien - you are J. R. R. Tolkien

[ecle-c-tic]

Middle Earth Asks

🥔 po-tay-toes: one of the hobbits invited you for a meal; who are dining with? Which of the seven meals are you enjoying?

🍞 lembas bread: what's the best road trip snack?

🌾farmer maggot's field: what is your favourite plant? Do you enjoying gardening?

🌼 simbelmynë: You've got the opportunity to bring one character back to life, who is it?

🍃 leaves of lórien: what gift would you most like to receive?

📽 action!: rank all six of the films (or three if you're a hater)

🚲 bicycle basket: what is your favourite middle earth meme?

🌟starlight: you're allowed to live in one of the Elf Kingdoms of Middle Earth, which one are you picking?

💀 Hey, did you know-: What is your favourite piece of behind the scenes trivia?

🌙 moon runes: which of Tolkien's languages would you most like to speak?

🧂 best salt in all the shire: which small joys do you most look forward to? (particular tea, using a perfume, rereading a book, etc.)

✂ cutting room floor: of all of the things that didn't quite make it into the movies, what would you have most liked to see?

☕ may I tempt you with a cup of chamomile?: What is your favourite hot beverage?

🐎 bill the pony: who is the best mount in all of middle earth?

🌳 fangorn forest: Which of Tolkien's creechurs is your favourite?

🔮 palantír: you've found a palantir! Who are you hitting up in middle earth? What are you telling them?

⏳ time and age: which poorly aged scene from LOTR is your favourite?

✨ evenstar: Who is your favourite middle earth couple?

🎆 fireworks: you're invited to Bilbo's 111th, what present do you think you'd receive?

🕷 creepy crawlies: which of tolkien's creatures do you think is the most frightening?

💍 my precious: what role do you think you'd play in the fate of the ring?

📜the company of Throin II Oakenshield: who is your favourite dwarf from the company?

🕶 i care not: what common complaint about the movies or novels doesn't bother you?

📢 motivational speech: which film speech do you find most invigorating?

🔥 barbecue: who is the worst antagonist?

🍿 popcorn: list your top 5 supporting characters

🎇 firefly: which (known) deleted scene would you most like to see?

⛏ expedition to Moria: which side character's adventures would you watch a spin-off movie about?

🎞 extra film: is there an extended scene that should have absolutely made it into the theatrical cut? which one and why?

🎵 can you sing, master hobbit?: Which song (from books or movies) is your favourite?

🖋 quill and ink: which of tolkien's themes resonates most strongly with you?

🗝 lost heirloom: which heirloom/object in the films or novels would you like to learn more about?

💿 leitmotifs and orchestras: which of the films songs (Howard Shore or singer) is your favourite?

🍲eowyn's home cooking: which other way could the ring be destroyed? (funny answers only)

🧙‍♂️precisely when he means to: what is your favourite gandalf moment?

⚔ you have my sword: what is your favourite aragorn moment?

🏹 and my bow: what is your favourite legolas moment?

🪓and my axe: what is your favourite gimli moment?

🍄 MUSHROOMS!: what is your favourite moment from the hobbits?

💎 the arkenstone: favourite Thorin and/or company moment?

🧵 spool: list your top five favourite costumes from any of the films.

📕 the red book of westmarch : what is your favourite quote(s)?

💛 family: what is your favourite family moment throughout the novels/films?

👀 the eye of sauron: who are you looking at disrespectfully?

🗺 arda: if you could travel anywhere in middle earth, where would you go?

👑the silver crown: the war is won, the world is saved, the king has been crowned. Who are you partying with at the coronation?

✏ rewrites: here's a pencil, which ONE thing in the novels/films are you changing?

🐺 GROND GROND GROND: which of the battles is your favourite to watch? is there a combat scene in particular that you enjoy?

⚠ fucking buckleberry ferry: from the clip of Dom and Billy discussing the one swear word they could theoretically get by censors, which line would you change?

📚 boxset: how were you first introduced to Middle Earth?

🏔 the misty mountains: the pass is treacherous, which two characters are you taking with you to make it over the mountains?

🌄 the rolling hills of the shire: what is your favourite outdoor activity?

🌋 mount doom: what middle earth take are you throwing into the fire?

⚙ technology: everything is exactly the same but you can give one character a modern invention. Who is it and what are you giving them?

⛵valinor: we're approaching the end of this game, is there a take/opinion you absolutely want to share?

🦅 the eagles: What thing or thought saves the day when it's not going so well?

🦗 weta: you're allowed to take one prop (or the canon useful version) home with you from the set, what are you taking?

☀ when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer: either share a piece of good news or something you're looking forward to.

📖 final chapter: what unanswered questions do you have middle earth?

[neyafromfrance95]

I have a feeling is Galadriel is going to go with Sauron at the end the season as well. The scene with Elrond when she has the vision and then she ask him to oppose Sauron above her life and he agrees. I was like, 'Oh Gal is going with Hot Sauron.' I'm not sure for what reason yet, if she's actually going dark or sacrificing herself, but I believe that's where this is heading.

honestly i'm having the most excited + nervous time in all my years of being in the fandom bc i have no idea how the finale will turn out.

on the one hand, i go:

"no way they will actually go there. these shows always end up disappointing and underwhelming when it comes to their handling of romance/ships bc they chicken out."

but in this case, i think it really comes down not to the writers who i'm 100% sure do want to go there and are doing their best to somehow do that, but to the executives who don't give a single fuck about the good storytelling. all they care about is what brings in more money/viewership so they often avoid risky business (this is why tv is in a very bad state rn, btw).

so ofc i know it's wiser to expect them to just resolve galadriel's conflict in an "epic" fight scene, marvel-style, yk 💀

but on the other hand, galadriel "touching the darkness" or ending up with sauron in one way or another is not just one of the scenarios the writers might wish to explore or one of the cool theories that the fans came up with. the given storyline is literally leading to exactly that. that's why i'm saying that they've set themselves up. and the conclusion being a repeat of s1 outcome would simply be an objectively poor storytelling.

so idk folks.

[animatorweirdo]

How to kidnap yourself a dark lord husband? Part 2

Part 1

(Second part for the crack fic. I hope you enjoy this one)

Warnings: Reader being a headache to her family, Sauron just dealing with her antics, Melkor getting robbed of his lieutenant and Manwe not getting paid enough to deal with this.

----------------------------------

Nerdanel: *Sobbing* I can't believe our daughter would disappear again. What has Melkor's servant done to her mind to make her act like this?

Feanor: *Visibly angry* This is why the valars can't be trusted. They allowed something like this to occur to my only daughter. 

You: *Kicks the door open* Naneth! Atar! I'm home, and I have news for you! 

Nerdanel: *Startled* (Name)! Where have you been? And who is that beneath your arm?

You: *Carrying Sauron beneath your arm like a potato sack* My new husband! 

Your whole family: YOUR WHAT?!!!

Sauron: *Waving at them awkwardly* Uhm... hey. 

***

Feanor: (Name)! You can't just decide to marry someone you have only known for like a month! And he's one of the Ainur!

You: Don't worry. Mairon's a rogue, so he doesn't belong with the valar. 

Feanor: That's not what I meant! Why would you want to marry him anyway?!

You: One, he's less loud than all of you. Two, he's hot, and three, he gave me a dog— something you have refused to give me for centuries! 

Feanor: Seriously? 

You: *Holding Carna* Dead seriously!

Carna: Woof!

Feanor: (Name)!

Your brothers: *Glaring at Sauron* Hurt her, and you're dead. 

Sauron: *Deadpan* I'm literally the one that got kidnapped. 

***

Melkor: Well, well, well... now this is something I didn't expect to happen. 

Sauron: Hello, master. 

Melkor: So, what's your plan with Feanor's daughter? Did you seduce her? Did you brainwash her? Is your plan to have power over Feanor's house by marriage? 

Sauron: No. She just decided we should be married and forced me to come here. By the way, I've been meaning to talk to you about something. 

Melkor: Huh?

Sauron: *Slides in a resignation letter* 

Melkor: You want to quit? Why! Is it because you suddenly got a wife now?

Sauron: Master... it's literally been like 300 years since we even spoke. Everyone has literally gone in their own ways. 

Melkor: What? 

Sauron: Yeah. There's no one at Angband. We assumed you would never come back, so we didn't see a point to continue.

Melkor: Seriously? 

Sauron: No hard feelings. I might come back if you come up with something, but for now, I have different things to deal with. *Leaves*

You: *Grinning at Melkor* Haha! Fuck you, your lieutenant is mine now!

Melkor: *Silence*

Melkor: Oh dear– I got robbed of my lieutenant before I could rob her father’s silmarils. 

***

Your family: *Arguing with you in front of the valars*

You: *Arguing back* 

Manwe: *Having an headache*

Manwe: Alright! Settle down. I have a proposition that might help both of you in this matter! 

You & your family: *Look at him silently*

Manwe: (Name) Since your family wants you to stay, but you do not want to break your relationship with Sauron. How about this? During winter years, you shall spend your time with Sauron in Middle Earth, and during spring years, you will spend your time with your family in Valinor. 

You: *Thinks about it* Yeah, sounds good to me. 

Your family: Wait, it's the start of autumn. 

You: Woohoo! Which means half a year without you!

You: *Grap Sauron and began leaving* Bye! I see you in spring! 

Your family: *Sobs* (Name)!

[weirdly-specific-but-ok]

Lord of the Rings but I've never watched it

*slides into the post with a creepy smile* hello maggots it's me back again doing what Satan put me on this green earth to do, summarise things I have no authority to summarise.

I kind of read the Hobbit when I was like 9 or 10? And I may have seen a scene or two from the movie(s)? But that's it. So of course let's hear my hot take on the series.

The elves are hot. Like really hot. They are fucking pretty. Everyone is such a slut for them.

Now I hear some of you lil shits saying no asmi actually i'm a hobbit person no actually i prefer the dwarves and one motherfucker who says actually i'm a gollum kinnie and I'M PREEMPTING THAT BY CORRECTING POINT ONE. MOST PEOPLE ARE SUCH A SLUT FOR THE ELVES. DON'T MAKE MY POST WEIRD.

Oh yeah Gollum was a hobbit but now he's married to a ring and he calls it my precious.

I think he's also a cannibal. Not to indulge in profiling, but he looks the type.

There are like horsepeople of the apocalypse except they're just horsepeople of Smaug and they're like scary. I think their music theme/call is very cool. I do not remember.

Who is Smaug? Smaug is Bendover Cumsnatcher.

On reflection, the horsepeople might be of Sauron, not Smaug.

Who is Sauron? Idk but it's his ring and he has an eye.

Martin Freeman is the hobbit named Bilbo and he had to shave his legs for the fake legs so he has shaved legs in one Sherlock episode.

There's an old dude named Gandalf. He wears robes and says mysterious shit. He has a wand/staff and a possibly homoerotic history with the villain. He has white/grey hair and a long beard. He's the main character's mentor sometimes.

No, what do you mean R**ling's Dumblewhore is a ripoff of that? I see no similarities at all.

He's grey and then he dies and gets whitewashed by the narrative.

Frodo is played by that one actor that reminds me of Aamir Khan.

Frodo is like Freeman's nephew or something. He has a bestie named Sam. They take the ring somewhere to destroy it.

It could be Mount Doom. It could be not. It is in New Zealand. Idk.

The pretty elves live in Rivendell. I've studied to Rivendell ambience before.

The hobbits like comfort and they eat second breakfast and elevensies. I stan.

Thorin is dwarf. He's the king of something.

I had a Hobbit activity book when I was a kid. It was very cool. The riddles were fun.

Galadriel is an elf and they just made some kind of backstory series with her and ruined her character which seems on brand for modern cinema.

There's some kind of book called the Silmirallion or Similarlion or Smillylirryon IDK IT HAS A SI, L, M, A, R AND ON.

Uhhhhh that's all I've got. I am open to being educated, even though I clearly know everything about this.

[humorously-yours]

I thought I was the only one who gasped in this scene🫣 But, then I opened my Tumblr and found my bitches getting soaked after watching only 3 sec of Hot Sauron😌

BTW Why is he looking at Galadriel like that. Is he planning to book honeymoon tickets in his mind cause his ex-gf is back with her engagement ring and he's hearing wedding bells now🫂

Note: He looks so hot as always. Can't wait for that episode😩

[theivorybilledwoodpecker]

My favorite idea that's not going to happen is Sauron becoming so obsessed with Celebrimbor that he is fucking pissed when Adar shows up.

Look, all his evil schemes have left him with no time for home comforts. And he forgot just how good those were until he had a mattress like a cloud to sink into and Eregion's pumpkin bread and a quite frankly brilliant elf looking at Sauron like he wants to drop to his knees and worship "Annatar"...or do something else. And Sauron is just about to seduce Celebrimbor...when he hears the drums.

Sauron: What the hell is that? (Internally, oh right.)

Celebrimbor: (heads toward the balcony) I tink it's war drums! I don't understand..."

Sauron: Wait! It's...it's probably dangerous out there! Stay here with me!

Celebrimbor: I must see....(walks out onto the balcony)...how did they...

Sauron: (following him, muttering under his breath) Fucking cock-blocking orcs.

....

Then as time progresses...

Celebrimbor: Who are you? Really?

Sauron: I am the one keeping the storm at bay. And that doesn't need to change...as long as you stay with me and let me finish this hot chocolate.

[nyxshadowhawk]

I Read The Silmarillion So You Don't Have To, Part Eight

Previous part.

Picking up right where we left off...

Chapter 19: Of Beren and Lúthien, Part Two The greatest love story ever told, cont.

Back in Sauron’s prison, only Beren and Finrod are left. All of their companions have been killed. Sauron intentionally left Finrod alive, because he knows just from looking at him that he is a powerful prince of the Noldor, even if he doesn’t know which one. The wolf comes to eat Beren, but Finrod has had enough. He wrestles a werewolf into submission with his bare hands, like fucking Heracles!

Finrod vs. the wolf by @maglorious

Finrod kills the werewolf with his bare hands and teeth. Despite this unrivaled badassery, his wounds are too severe. He bleeds out in the dungeon of the tower that he himself built. He has just enough time to say goodbye to Beren, knowing that by the time he reincarnates in Valinor, Beren will be long gone.

Thus King Finrod Felagund, fairest and most beloved of the house of Finwë, redeemed his oath; but Beren mourned beside him in despair.

Beren and Finrod by yi tiao zhi xian chong

Not gonna lie, I’m so sad. I love Finrod! He’s one of the only Noldor who’s not a hot mess, and I’m gonna miss him. At least he’s the first of the Noldor to be reincarnated; Mandos (the Vala of death/purgatory) forgives him before the Curse is officially lifted at the end of the First Age, and the Lay of Leithian says that he joins his wife Amárië and his father Finarfin in Valinor. When Galadriel finally crosses the sea at the end of the Third Age, she sees her brother again for the first time in thousands of years.

I’m gonna cry. We need to move on!

Right then, Lúthien and Huan arrived at the tower gates. Lúthien sings a song that causes the walls themselves to shake.

Beren hears her singing, and sings back a song about the Big Dipper, which (in Elven lore) represents a sickle that was placed in the sky by Varda as a direct challenge to Morgoth. It represents hope and the promise of Morgoth’s defeat. Then he faints.

Sauron hears them singing back and forth to each other, and smiles. He’s already salivating over the reward he’ll get for turning Lúthien, the beautiful daughter of a Maia, into one of Morgoth’s slaves. He sends werewolves out to intercept Huan and Lúthien as they cross the bridge to the tower. Huan easily kills every single one of the werewolves, until Sauron sends Draugluin, the oldest and greatest of werewolves.

Lúthien and Huan in in Tol-in Gaurhoth by Randy Vargas

After a long and bloody fight, Draugluin flees, drags himself back to Saruon’s feet, and dies. Sauron knows that Huan is prophesized to die after killing the biggest and baddest wolf, and that was Draugluin. So, that menas that now Huan can die. Sauron wants to do the job himself, so he turns himself into an even bigger and badder wolf to kill them.

Upon encountering wolf!Sauron, Lúthien immediately faints, because his eyes are terrible and his breath is worse. (That’s a bit damsel-y of her, but I can’t judge her too hard — it’s literally Sauron.) As she falls, she somehow manages to throw a corner of her enchanted cloak in his face, and its magic makes him momentarily drowsy. That’s enough for Huan to strike. Huan pins Sauron down by the throat. Then we get another old mythic trope of Sauron shapeshifting into multiple forms while Huan holds him fast — he becomes a snake and then a “monster,” and finally his usual humanoid shape.

Lúthien stands triumphantly over Sauron, and threatens to strip him of his body and send his incorporeal form running back to Morgoth with his tail between his legs, unless he surrenders the tower. Sauron surrenders, and Huan lets him go. As soon as he’s free, Sauron takes the form of a vampire (which in this context I’d take to be some kind of bloodsucking bat thing?) and flies off.

With her magical voice, Lúthien declares that she is now the lady of the isle, and all of Sauron’s captives and thralls go free. All, that is, except Beren. Huan and Lúthien desperately search for him, and find him still lying, catatonic, by Finrod’s body. Lúthien assumes he’s already dead, and cradles his head. Beren wakes up in Lúthien’s arms, and they gaze at each other. Cue The Sun! The evil fortress crumbles as the dawn comes, just like in a Castlevania game.

But the story’s far from over. Sauron was only the Disc One Final Boss. Beren and Lúthien still need to do what they set out to do in the first place — steal a Silmaril from Morgoth.

Huan goes back to Nargothrond, and finds it in chaos. All the prisoners that Lúthien set free had gone there, and told the people of Nargothrond what really happened to their king. The elves immediately turn against Celegorm and Curufin. The mighty sons of Fëanor don’t have the balls to face Sauron, but Lúthien, a girl, took him down! The elves once again appoint Orodreth their leader, but Orodreth won’t have the brothers executed for their treachery. Kinslaying was the whole reason why the Noldor were cursed in the first place. So the brothers are banished from Nargothrond. Celegorm loudly declares enmity, while Curufin just gives that unsettling smile.

No one goes with them, not even Curufin’s son Celebrimbor, because all of them can see how bad of an idea that is. Only Huan follows them; Celegorm is still his master.

Beren and Lúthien bury Finrod on the highest point of the island. (It was his island first, after all.) Then they spend some time catching up with each other before planning their next steps. They wander as far as the Forest of Brethil, Beren wants to bring Lúthien safely home to Doriath before setting out again, but Lúthien tells him there’s no chance of that. She’s not about to wait in some treehouse while he goes and gets himself captured again. Wherever he goes, she will go with him, and if they die, they’ll die together. Their options are either to wander the earth as exiles, or to try to claim the Silmaril.

Before they can formally resolve to pursue the Silmaril, Celegorm and Curufin just happen across them as they’re fleeing Nargothrond. Curufin scoops Lúthien up and into his saddle. Enraged, Beren flings himself onto to the horse (this is so famous that it’s known as the “Leap of Beren”). He grabs Curufin around the throat and drags him off the horse. The horse rears, and Lúthien goes flying. Beren tries to choke Curufin to death, but Celegorm charges at him, on horseback, with a spear.

At that moment, Huan decides that he’s more loyal to Beren and Lúthien than to Celegorm, even though he’s spent literal millennia as Celegorm’s pet. Huan launches himself at Celegorm, so that his horse swerves, too afraid of the giant dog to approach Beren. Beren raises his knife (which is cool enough to have a name, Angrist) to kill Curufin, but Lúthien tells him to let him go. Reluctantly, he does. He tells Curufin to go do something useful with his life, and keeps the horse for Lúthien, so Curufin has to ride back sitting behind his brother. Curufin curses Beren to die “a swift and bitter death.” As the brothers ride away, Curufin, like the spiteful little ass he is, shoots an arrow at Lúthien. Beren jumps in front of it, and it hits him square in the chest.

Curufin by @bohemianweasel

But don’t worry, Beren’s the protagonist! He’s not gonna die that easily. Huan fetches some healing herbs (probably athelas), and Luthien uses them and her own magic to heal Beren. After that, Beren has a case of “I’m the protagonist so I must do everything alone to protect my loved ones”-syndrome; he leaves Lúthien in the middle of the night, trusting Huan to take care of her. He takes Curufin’s horse and rides to the far north, until he sees the peaks of the Thangorodrim. At the threshold of Morgoth’s realm, he assumes that he’s never going to see Lúthien or see the sun and moon again, so he sings the “Song of Parting.” In his song, he says that even if the world were to crumble into the abyss from which it was formed, it’s all worth it just because Lúthien can exist for a brief moment.

Of course, Lúthien set right off after Beren as soon as she found out he was gone, just like Sam insisting that he’s going to Mordor with Frodo. Lúthien already saved Beren once, and she can do it again! She again rides on Huan’s back. They stop at Sauron’s fortress and put on disguises. Huan disguises himself as the werewolf he killed, Draugluin, and Lúthien disguises herself as a vampiress named Thuringwethil, who is one of Sauron’s messengers. (Did you know there were vampires and werewolves in Tolkien?) They look so scary, that none of the monsters in the Forest under Nightshade bother them. When they catch up to Beren, he initially thinks that Sauron’s minions are pursuing him, and that he must have hallucinated hearing Lúthien’s voice, until she reveals herself.

Beren is really regretting that he promised Thingol a Silmaril. It’s starting to sink in just how impossible of a task that is. He thinks it would have been better for Thingol to kill him than to take Lúthien into Angband. Though I understand the impulse to want to keep your true love safe, I think Beren is underestimating Lúthien a little bit. She’s more capable than he gives her credit for. Huan speaks for the second time to offer ominous advice: Beren still has the option to turn back, but that would mean that he and Lúthien become exiles. Lúthien has already become mortal by choosing to stick with Beren, so, she’ll die no matter what he does. Either she’ll die alone after Beren’s life ends, or they can risk facing Morgoth. It’s kind of a lose-lose situation, unless by some miracle they manage to get a Silmaril. (And even if they do get a Silmaril, then they’ll still have to deal with the sons of Fëanor and that whole mess.) Huan tells them that he can go no further, but he hopes they’ll meet again.

Beren and Lúthien resolve to face Morgoth. They basically don’t have a choice at this point. They put on magical disguises again, Beren as Draugluin the werewolf and and Lúthien as Thuringwethil the batlike vampire. They arrive at the gate of Angband, which is so huge and terrifying that it makes the Tower of Cirith Ungol look like a vacation destination. At the gate is a huge and terrifying wolf called Carcharoth. Morgoth also heard the prophecy about Huan’s death after defeating the greatest of wolves, so he personally nurtured this werewolf into the biggest and baddest of them all by feeding him corpses of Men and Elves. Carcharoth sees Draugluin arrive at the Gate, but he knows that Draugluin is dead. He doesn’t trust the strange vampire and werewolf, and denies them entry. Then, through some deus ex machina, Lúthien is suddenly filled with divine power and commands Carcharoth to go to sleep. Okay then. That was easy.

Then Beren and Lúthien went through the Gate, and down the labyrinthine stairs; and together wrought the greatest deed that has been dared by Elves or Men. For they came to the seat of Morgoth in his nethermost hall, that was upheld by horror, lit by fire, and filled with weapons of dread and torment.

They basically walk straight into Hell. Welp, there’s got to be a descent into Hell in every great hero story! Katabasis, yaaaaay.

Beren maintains his disguise, but Morgoth immediately dispels Lúthien’s disguise. She looks straight into his terrifying face. (Remember, Sauron kept an aura of fear about him to make everyone in his vicinity cower in terror. If that’s Sauron, then imagine how scary Morgoth is.) She tells him that she’s a minstrel, and that she’s come to sing and dance for him. Because, y’know… Morgoth regularly has bards casually wander into his fortress looking for work. But Morgoth, like literally every other man in this story, immediately lusts after Lúthien. Tolkien says that he conceives of “a design more dark than any that had yet come into his heart since he fled from Valinor,” which is saying a hell of a lot.

Luthien and Melkor by Pete Amachree

Lúthien begins singing and dancing before Morgoth’s throne, and of course, her song is magical. She sings a song that’s so beautiful, it temporarily blinds Morgoth, and all of the evil creatures in his court — wolves, orcs, even Balrogs — fall to sleep. The Silmarils burn with white fire. Remember, the Silmarils are blessed so that nothing evil can touch them, and being surrounded by good magic makes them really weigh on Morgoth’s head. Lúthien opens her magic cloak, flies up to Morgoth’s face, and throws her cloak in his eyes, putting him to sleep. Morgoth literally falls out of his throne, crashing into the ground like a falling tree. Kind of undignified for the Dark Lord. Beren takes his knife, Angrist, and cuts a Silmaril out of Morgoth’s crown. The quest is complete!

Lúthien singing a song of enchantment by Pete Amachree

I love how Lúthien does most of the work. I love how proactive she is! Tolkien doesn’t write many women, but the women he writes are badass!

The Silmaril shines through Beren’s hand. Because he’s a good person, it doesn’t burn him. He figures that he may as well take advantage of this unprecedented opportunity and claim all three Silmarils, but his knife snaps, and a shard of it hits Morgoth in the cheek. He doesn’t wake up, but Beren and Lúthien realize that they need to get the hell out of there before they run out of luck.

When they make it to the Gate, Carcharoth has woken up, and he pounces on them. Lúthien is out of magic and can’t do whatever thing she did before, but Beren holds aloft the Silmaril. It shines in the wolf’s face, but Carcharoth bites off Beren’s hand. (I bet this is a reference to Fenrir biting off Tyr’s hand in Norse mythology.) Unfortunately for Carcharoth, swallowing the Silmaril is like swallowing a live ember. He runs around madly, howling, terrorizing northern Beleriand and causing a lot of damage to both good and evil creatures alike. Tolkien says that this is one of the worst things to come out of Angband (which is saying a lot, considering the Battle of Sudden Flame happened, and there are dragons still to come).

Carcharoth by Xavier Collette.

Beren faints, because the wolf’s fangs are poisonous (and also because it must be pretty damn painful to lose your hand). Lúthien sucks out the poison and dresses the wound, but they haven’t made it much further than the Gate, and Morgoth has woken up. Time is running out.

It would be bitterly ironic for Beren and Lúthien to succeed at getting a Silmaril away from Morgoth only for it to be swallowed by a wolf. But then a miracle happens. Guess what? Guess what it is? What does Tolkien do to get his characters out of every impossible scrape? That’s right, it’s the Eagles, baby! It’s not random, though — Huan tipped them off.

Beren and Lúthien are flown to safety by Ted Nasmith

Thorondor and co. swoop down and pick up Beren and Lúthien, flying them to safety. As they leave Angband, storms rage and volcanoes erupt, but Morgoth can’t do anything. They pass over Gondolin as they fly (what a way to find out where Gondolin is). Eventually, they reach the border of Doriath. Huan is there, and he and Lúthien both tend to Beren. It takes a while for Beren to recover, but he eventually does. He gains the epithet Erchamion, “one-handed.” (He’s in good company with Maedhros.)

After all of that, Beren and Lúthien still don’t have a Silmaril. But at least they’re both alive, and they wander in the woods like old times. Lúthien doesn’t mind going into exile with Beren, but Beren doesn’t think it’s right for a princess to live that way. He takes her home, still Silmaril-less and having eaten his words.

Meanwhile, Doriath is in a bad state. Everyone thinks Lúthien is dead, and has fallen into despair. Daeron has got depression. Thingol went to Melian for advice, but she tells him that he made his bed and now has to lie in it. Thingol gets a (now very outdated) message from Celegorm saying that Finrod and Beren were both dead, and that Celegorm would marry Lúthien in Nargothrond. Thingol decides that this means war, but his spies inform him that Lúthien is gone and Celegorm and Curufin are exiles.

Finally, Carcharoth the mad wolf breaches the magic wall of Doriath, because the power of the Silmaril is stronger than Melian’s magic. It’s the first real threat to assail Doriath in centuries, and all of the woodland Elves are terrified. Just as it seems like things can’t get any worse, Beren and Lúthien return to Menegroth. And there was much rejoicing. Thingol is amazed that Beren is still alive, but still hates him, and blames him for every bad thing that happened. He asks to see the Silmaril. Beren uses a bit of clever wordplay and says that the Silmaril is “in my hand,” i.e. the hand that was cut off and in the wolf’s belly. Thingol actually accepts this, and laughs. He finally, finally realizes that Beren isn’t just any Man. He seats Beren on his left, and Lúthien on his right, and they tell the whole court the epic story of the Quest. Thingol finally gives his blessing, and Beren and Lúthien are married. It’s about time!

But the Quest isn’t done yet. There’s still a mad wolf terrorizing Doriath, who conveniently brought the Silmaril right to Thingol’s doorstep. Beren, Huan, and a bunch of Elves (including Thingol) go hunting. Lúthien stays behind, but has a bad feeling about it. Carcharoth bites Beren in the chest with his venomous fangs, and Huan attacks him. The dog of Valinor and the dog of Morgoth fight each other, and Huan succeeds in killing Carcharoth, but not without suffering a mortal wound himself. Carcharoth was the greatest of wolves, and it’s time for Huan to die. He speaks for the third and final time, telling Beren goodbye. The king’s captain of the guard, Mablung, cuts the Silmaril from the wolf’s belly. He puts it in Beren’s other hand, and it gives Beren just enough strength to hold it aloft and declare the quest fulfilled. Then, Beren and Huan both die on the forest floor.

The quest fulfilled by Anke Eißmannd

So, that’s that. There’s no happily ever after to this love story. The minute the quest is fulfilled, Beren dies. Hope it was worth it, Thingol.

Lúthien embraces Beren’s body when he’s brought back to Menegroth. She tells him to wait for her upon the Western Sea. Beren’s soul hangs around in the Halls of Mandos, even though Men don’t stay in Valinor after they die, because he doesn’t want to leave Middle-earth without seeing Lúthien again. Lúthien dies of despair a little while later. When her soul arrives in Valinor, she sings for Mandos. If she could sing for Morgoth, she can sing for Mandos, too. Like Orpheus singing for Hades, she sings a song so beautiful and sad that Mandos is moved to tears. (It’s the first and only time that Mandos has ever been moved.)

Namó Mandos by Elena Kukanova

Mandos goes to Manwë to consult with him about what to do in this very exceptional circumstance, since only Manwë knows the will of Eru Ilúvatar. Manwë gives Lúthien a choice. She could live for eternity amongst the Valar in bliss, and forget Beren, or she could reincarnate with Beren, but become truly mortal, and pass from Middle-earth upon death.

It’s obvious what Lúthien chooses.

Until Arwen (who’s just an expy of Lúthien), Lúthien was the only one of the Elves to truly die, and to have left Arda permanently. But in having made that choice, she creates a line of descendants with both human and Elvish ancestry, uniting both races of Children of Ilúvatar. Middle-earth is better for it.

Fate of Beren and Lúthien, by breath-art

[spinningalbinoturtle]

Valinor Fourth Age

Finrod: Hello everyone and welcome to the Fuck-Sauron Club where we say Fuck You to Sauron. I’ll start he’s whiny bitch and I’m pretty sure his red hair is fake

Celebrimbor : I may have misunderstood the purpose of this meeting

Frodo (absolutely horrified): Why would you want to fuck Sauron the other way?!!?!?

Celebrimbor: You didn’t see him when he was hot okay. He was very persuasive and sexy

Finrod: Was he though?

Frodo: He literally tortured and killed you

Celebrimbor: But he looked hot while doing it

Finrod: [facepalms]

Frodo: THAT DOESN’T MAKE IT BETTER

Celebrimbor: Oh come on you guys are really telling me you wouldn’t fuck Sauron if you had the chance?

Frodo and Finrod together:

NO!

Celebrimbor: Well I guess we just have different tastes.

Frodo (who has amazing taste in hobbit men aka Sam): Clearly

[shady-swan-jones]

Poor Gil Galad with the leftover ring, Galadriel twists hers and sees Hot Sauron Who Fucks, and he sees dead fish