#hopefully. maybe coping just a little bit rn

[shalomniscient]

mega sevchino lore overhaul inbound……. mostly backstory stuff tbh and some timeline alterations but call me bear grylls the way i’ll—

[staybabblingbaby]

Felix Tinder AU (First Date Part) A2 D3

[Caution: These are not full fics, or even full parts of fics for some, these are part of my writing progress archive!]

Concept: You match with what you think is a Stray Kids fan account on Tinder. You get along great with the account's owner, and think it's probably your most successful match to-date. Little do you know who's actually behind the screen...

Word Count: 1,580

Notes: So this will probably be the actual beginning. Maybe. Some version of it, anyways. idk, the formatting for this one is a bit... And I still have to figure out how to make fake Tinder stuff without photoshop. I do not own adobe products. This may actually end up being the first writing part in a hybrid SMAU, so it might not be the first part at all. We'll see. I didn't read this one back for any editing notes bc This entire fic is fighting me rn and I don't wanna look at it lol

Warnings: None as far as I'm aware

Leave me comments or questions or anything! Love hearing from folks <3

Masterlist | Next Part (Coming soon!)

You nervously tap on your steering wheel, anxious gaze glued to the side door you were parallel parked directly in front of. You felt sketchy as hell, but this was the manager-approved pick-up method apparently. Or at least leader-approved. You weren’t really clear on the details.

You were still sort of processing that this was your life, actually. Details were a bit secondary to the big picture here, you thought.

At last, the door creaks open and the blond head you’d been waiting for pops out. After a brief cautious sweep of his gaze, his eyes lock on your car. You roll the window down to offer him an awkward smile and a little wave.

Then, with a bright smile that made your heart do stupid little summersaults, Yongbok Felix Lee is sliding into your beat-up little jeep. You’re shamefully distracted by his (very) pretty face for a solid 10 seconds before you roll up the window and start moving to a proper parking spot.

You may be dazed by his presence, but by all things good in this world you were not carting off a (sort-of) stranger without talking to them first.

“Hi!” He’s the first to break the momentary silence, sunny grin on full, blinding, blast in your passenger seat. Your brain stalls a second time as your (again) realize that Stray Kids’ Felix is in your car. Like right now. Currently.

“Wazzup?” You greet back with a cheeky little smirk. You feel a bit bad for Felix. Making light of things was your one and only coping mechanism. You hoped he hadn’t been expecting a serious candle-lit dinner from you.

Well. Candles, maybe. Depends on how late the two of you ended up staying out.

Luckily Felix seems delighted by your overly-casual demeanor, bumping your arm with gentle playfulness. It almost feels like you’re two close friends meeting up after a long time instead of (sort-of) near-strangers.

You know that if he spends enough time with you the shell of confidence you’re currently wearing will become transparent, but hopefully the façade would carry you through tonight.

“We’re just moving so we can talk without being in the way before we head out.” You explain, pulling into a shaded parking spot in the corner of the lot. You’ve pulled hopefully far enough away to not attract attention from the doors, but also not far enough to be creepy.

Felix nods, tilting his head curiously at you. “Sure, what are we talking about?”

You put the car in park and laugh a bit at his cuteness. “Just expectations and whatnot,” You say, unbuckling so you can turn and face him properly.

“Before all that, though, are you a hugger?” You hold your arms open a bit, not enough to actually touch him, and making sure you’re not leaning forward, letting him take the reigns of contact.

You worry you may be being a bit too forward, but you were trying for normality with all of this, and you really did open most interactions with hugs when you could. You were touchy like that.

Fears once again unfounded, Felix grins widely and quickly reels you in for as tight a hug as the two of you can manage whilst still seated. He reels you in so quickly, if fact, that your arms become trapped between the two of you and you struggle for a moment to wiggle them free and wrap them firmly around his waist.

As you settle in, you rock the two of you to-and-fro, and Felix lets out a content little sigh that has you melting into the embrace.

You sort of feel like giggling madly and tearing up at the same time. You feel a bit like you need to vomit, as well, but you hold all three urges back. It’s just that Felix holds you so warmly and delicately, you feel a bit like you might shatter before the night even begins.

You reluctantly pull back before you cross the bounds of appropriateness for a first meeting, skootching around so you can bring your legs up into your seat in a weird pretzel and start the conversation properly.

You want to coo at Felix as he imitates you and gets himself comfy as well. You’re down bad for this man already, unfortunately. IT’s best that you don’t let on quite how badly if you can help it. You don’t know if you can.

“So!” You start with a clap, “First of all, allow me to welcome you to our humble city.” You do an awkward showman’s bow, gesturing as grandly as you’re able when you’ve crumpled yourself into the world’s cringiest ball.

You’re so damn lucky that Felix seems so charmed by you so far. You’re begging with everything you can that your innate silliness will guide you through tis interaction without you panicking too hard.

“I’ve been here for several days now, first of all,” Felix starts, eyes twinkling with amusement and mischief. You play right into his hands, squawking with offense and playfully swatting at him.

You both dissolve into giggles as he tries to catch your hands to keep them from hitting him, and you loudly begin to complain, “Oh well, I’m sorry someone was too busy playing two fabulous shows to come see little ol’ me before now!��

“Oh, come on now, you wouldn’t let me get you seats, you deserve this ribbing!” He retorts back, finally catching your hands and putting a stop to your flailing. He pauses then, and you can practically see the gears in his head turning.

“Wait.” He tugs you forward by your hands, staring you down with an expression of delighted disbelief. “Fabulous show? Were you there?”

You quickly turn your head to hide the mirthful smirk on your face, replying only with a drawn out “Maaaaaybe.”

Felix gasps loudly, letting go of your hands only to lightly slap your knee, “Why didn’t you tell me? I could have gotten you backstage or something!”

You wave your hands in front of you, both warding off Felix’s playful attacks nd waiving off his words.

“No, no!” You deny him, continuing on to confess, “I actually had the tickets before we even started talking, I got them right as they went on sale.” You pause and duck you head a bit to hide your blush, “Besides, our first real meeting should be our first date, right? That’s how this works.”

To your slight mortification, you can very easily tell that Felix is trying his hardest not to coo at you, so you quickly rush to move on before he can interrogate you further.

“But we’re getting off track!” You exclaim, pointing at him in gentle threat. He holds up his hands in surrender, but you can tell by the smirk on his face that he wouldn’t let it go that easily. Still, he lets you move the conversation forward for now.

“So, I’m a bit paranoid,” You suddenly confess. Felix’s brow creases with concern, but you continue before he can get any weird ideas into his head, “I just wanna make sure we’re on the same page before we actually go anywhere.”

Felix makes a noise of understanding and gestures for you to continue.

“So I just want to make sure we’re both expecting this to be a romantic date and not, like, a platonic one.” You explain. Felix tilts his head a bit in confusion but nods along.

“Yeah, we’re on the same page there.” He agrees. His gentle smile feels a bit like he’s humoring you, but you plough on regardless.

“And I know we’ve already talked about this, but I don’t put out on first dates. I’m not into hookups, so even if you’re leaving tomorrow I’m expecting this to be the first of many or the first and last date.”

Felix seems to be cottoning onto the intended severity of the conversation, despite its relatively light tone. He nods along, seeming pleased about something. You pause to let him interject, but he just gestures you to continue.

You hesitate a moment, but then finish with, “That’s all, really, I just want both of us to be happy with things at the end of tonight.”

Felix smiles so fondly at you that you think you’ll combust, so you quickly reach across him to open your glove box to pull out a couple of papers, to Felix’s utter bafflement.

“Moving on!” You exclaim, pretending that your ears aren’t burning with the force of your blush, “I also have these!”

You present to Felix a paper with an address and your vehicle details as well as a map with a certain area circled.

“Ok, so, keeping as much a secret as I can,” You begin to babble as Felix examines the papers with confusion painted over his delicate features.

“But I was thinking about what we could do that didn’t involve being in public much and wasn’t expensive or anything, and I came up with a plan. A friend of mine owns some forested land with some nice hiking trails, so I thought we’d start there, but it’s a bit rural and I know it’s weird, so I brought both the lot address and coordinates and my car details so you can tell your people exactly where you’ll be and if phone service dies or anything no one freaks out and-”

You cut yourself off, realizing that you’d probably said way more than you needed to

[kilbuba]

I just finished reading Fukigen na Mononokean.

I knew that it ended in 2021, and honestly I put it off way too long because I didn’t want it to end… but I finally finished reading it today. Gosh. I have so many things to say about this manga.

Despite the small popularity and community it has, this series radiates so much comfortness to its’ readers. At least it does for me. I grew up with the manga, I remember I was 15 when I first reading it (in 2016 the anime came out and I began to read the manga too) and I was 20 years old when it ended. Realizing I have outgrown my favorite characters such as Ashiya and Abeno was so bittersweet, I remember that I used to think they were so mature for their age (despite us being the same age at that time). Gradually I realized how child-like they were and I think Kiri Wazawa presented it so nicely too! I’m so grateful for these characters,

ありがとうワザワさん！ 😭

And that ending!!! I didn’t expect it at all whatsoever. It was an open to interpretation kind of ending, and I still don’t know how to feel. What’s interesting about this manga is that it’s actually super interesting plot-wise, I love that there were so many mysteries that we unfold together as the story goes, how there’s still so many questions left unanswered all because the story ended. Maybe it was for the best. I wished Wazawa would explore them a bit more but perhaps less is more.

Personally, I think this manga did a good job in presenting sensitive themes such as grieving, PTSD, depression, coping mechanism, and acceptance. The character development, world-building, and how the characters interacts with the world itself was so well written! It’s as if they have their own agency and consciousness, as if that we’re merely watching what went on in their world. Ugh I’m getting too emotional.

I’m going to talk about Ashiya and Abeno’s relationship in another thread

bc I just can’t rn ( ｉ _ ｉ ）In short, I love how they love each other. Regardless of whether they’re platonic or romantic, they’re quite literally soulmates. I love how Wazawa indirectly confirms that one simply cannot exists without the other. I love them so much. Oh and Fuzzy too!!! That’s their son right there. A little family full of love and warmth. <3.

That’s all I wanted to say I guess (T ^ T) hopefully more people will pick up this manga too! ♡

[satanfemme]

i dont usually talk to you directly about kink related things so this feels slightly tmi buuut re: your head halter tags, its interesting how things that are Not good for dogs/etc that are fine for you as a person who can comprehend the situation that are Incredibly appealing. like. scruffing😳<imagine thats the bonk version

omg I can see the appeal of scruffing 👀, that's so good actually. if I were a cat I would love to be scruffed ngl. get picked up -> lose motor function / get a little overstimulated / thoughts turn off maybe <3 gonna contemplate that as a catgirl & catboy appreciator thank u

also yeah I kinda love taking adversive training techniques and recontextualizing them thru kink. it probably sounds silly but I think part of it is definitely a way to cope/heal from the things I had to witness in the animal care industry [insert standard ''kink as a way of coping'' explanation here lol], but I also find the idea of being controlled like that just so fun and fulfilling. & also adversives (ie. my prong collar) just fit so well into my aesthetic and fashion sense anyway (ie. it is a known fact that prong collars go hard aesthetically).

this is 100% a tangent, but a small detail I enjoy when using adversive training tools in kink (and which may already be apparent in the way I talk about them) is specifically viewing it through the lens of myself being a dog who is consenting to these accessories being used on myself, rather than just saying "it's ok to use these on myself because I'm a human" (<- which is how I thought about it when I first started experimenting with this, but it pulls me out of the doggy headspace / gives me species dysphoria) and also rather than roleplaying the tool being used in a genuinely adversive/abusive manner (<- which no hate for people who do enjoy that roleplay, just for me in this context it's usually a turn-off when implemented irl). maybe even with that explanation it's still a bit corny to say I specifically enjoy the element of consent in pet play featuring adversive tools, but personally it's genuinely really affirming (for both my therian identity and my sexuality) to not only enjoy these things but to also Say I'm a doggy who enjoys these things because it's like enrichment to me :3

hopefully this post is an interesting read, I have sooo so so many thoughts on pet play and my specific relationship with it I could go on forever, thank u for giving me an excuse to talk about it. & never worry about being tmi with me, kink is one of my biggest interests rn LOL

[dandyshucks]

update on stuff (cw abuse i guess)

hi sorry for serious post but again things keep looking like they're going to get better and then they somehow get Worse instead.

tl;dr my brother will be moving in for a bit, and this disrupts the one space i have in the entire goddamn world where i can relax even a little bit, so I probably will not be around for. a while. unless i figure out how to cope enough to get out of survival mode so i can like... have fun.

brother will be moving in for an undetermined amount of time (hopefully just for a month, but it is hard to find places to rent in town so I feel like it may be longer than just one month). he'll be moving into my section of the basement, and I guess my stress is a little bit my fault because my parents have always told me I should be constantly ready for any siblings to move back home at any moment just in case, but unfortunately I kind of let my guard down on that one so this is hitting me badly.

as scary and unsafe as this hell house is, my section of the basement is literally the One place in the whole fucking world where i've been able to feel like I can just. rest. to some degree. because I do not have to be On and Masking and Hiding Myself from others (because nobody is around when i'm down here usually). so that "safe space" will be taken away from me (this sounds ungrateful and bratty, sorry, i do not know how to word it better and maybe i am being bratty and ungrateful idk) and i will ... have no space to just. let my guard down even a little bit. i can't even go for walks alone like I used to because of wildlife becoming a safety issue around our house.

anyways. sorry this is way more info than i need to give probably but i'm struggling to put any of this into words at all so... shrugs uncomfortably. i am going to step away from here for a bit bc i'm genuinely afraid I'm going to go into some kind of episode and I don't want to freak people out. also I literally cannot do anything Fun rn because i just feel so fucking scared and cut off from reality, so even though the stuff on this blog is literally a coping mechanism, i'm far below the mental ability to engage in that level of coping. the coping we're looking at rn is like... breathing and pacing and huddling and methodical cleaning for the sake of keeping myself from falling apart.

i want to end off with my usual "oh well! life goes on! just gotta keep trucking forward!" type of thing but to be entirely honest i just dont have it in me to do that rn. this also might sound really stupidly dramatic and I am sorry if it comes off that way - there is a lot of abuse and trauma that I do not talk about and will not talk about that is contributing to how this feels for me. i'll do my best to stay safe and all, and again I really do apologize for like. posting any of this. I think part of me wants to reach out somewhere for attention but also I do genuinely just want to sort of ... explain why I'll very likely be disappearing for a while. and as we know i am the rambling rambler and overexplainer :'''')))

[therhythmafterthesummer]

it's been a while rhythm!! how is everyhting??

i have yet to read some of your latest works, but life has been a little bit hard lately and i found myself missing our dearest pack 🥺 unfortunately i don't have time rn to re read my fav one shots, but this week it's being kind of a parenthesis and i can breathe a little 一some needed rest before i dive in university life again.

i've seen what other anons said about the girls gang (wereroomies, i mean) hanging out together and supporting each other. even with their hobbies, and i keep finding confort on pretty because i feel like i have so much in common with her. those asks helped me a lot because university is a lonely period, at least at the beginning and in my experience, so reading about how they enjoy their time together made me realise i have to appreciate those little moments i have with my friends (who aren't studying the same degree as me, unfortunately i don't see them as much as i would like to).

these months have made me more mature, but in a good way. i have been carrying a very heavy load for years and little by little i'm noticing how it weighs me less and less, so i'm very happy rn. i'm in that kind of mood when i want to spread that happiness with everyone (so if you're reading this, known that you're amazing and loved and you deserve so much more that you think you do ♡).

oh, i also remember one time you mentioned that one hobby that pretty has is crochet!! i started this summer haha i crochet when i'm stressed, with a nice playlist 一which reminds me of skz's comeback!! what are your fav songs?? (mine comflex and cover me 🤭).

what i wanted to ask (this is a very chaotic ask i'm sorry) is how did pack members cope with loneliness and stressful seasons in university?? especially when they felt like there was no one they could tell how they felt, if that was the case...

i know i don't interact a lot, but i missed talking to you. have a nice day/night rhythm!! ily (❤️‍🩹)

things are doing fine! i'm tired but soon i'll be on holidays so i'll be able to rest lots hopefully~

don't worry, baby. my works will be there for when you have time💜💜💜 no need to stress about that, you've got enough of that in your life.

makes me happy that you can find some comfort in the silly conversations we've got going on in this blog. i'm glad people are kind enough to send in their thoughts and we can just have some fun with them together!

good friends should really be appreciated, and it's always worth it to nurture and maintain friendships, even if it's in a sort of cactus way (as in, maybe you don't meet often, but you know you can rely on them when you need them, you know what i mean?). that's really especial, so i hope you get to enjoy it to its fullest!

yes! i like to think pretty does crochet as a hobby, she just seems like she would, for some reason??? so yes hahah. i want to include it on an actual instalment at some point. it's cool that you picked it up too, though! it's really fun imo. putting a nice playlist or some video essay on youtube while you crochet is a good way to de-stress mewhehe.

i think my fave songs from the album so far are megaverse and social path (kor ver). all of them are good, but those two have me in a chokehold for sure.

as for your question...... here's the thing. werewolves live in packs for a reason, right? so, their pack was probably the biggest support they had in moments like those. i suppose they would've tried to lean on their friends, or to try and step back for a moment to put things into perspective. engaging in activities outside of school was probably a good outlet as well (like going on wolf runs, or going for a walk), just things they could do to remind themselves that there was life outside uni, and that ultimately it wasn't a race, they were there to learn, so as long as they learnt a bit, they could take their time.

i feel like Chris particularly would've struggled a lot, considering he was living alone alone during his first and second year. i can see him making the extra effort to meet with changbin and jisung weekly (or every two weeks) to avoid lone wolf syndrome.

thank you for dropping by and leaving this message! i hope that weight you're carrying continues getting smaller and smaller💜

[mangoisms]

omg i’m in my first year at community college and i’m also a psychology major 🙈 i’m also taking sociology ITS SUCH A FUN CLASS i feel so enlightened after every class LMAO but i wanted to ask about your later psych classes, what’s the main thing you focus on? cause rn my intro to psych class is very anatomy focused right now and i’m not very good at that aspect of it 😟 i’ve been understanding everything else though so i just would maybe like some insight? on your experience as someone who’s actually committed to the major? if you don’t mind of course 😊

omg!!! fellow psych major 🤝🤝🤝 and also YES that’s exactly how i felt with my sociology classes they are just so fun and insightful!!! really makes you Think!!

and i don’t mind at all!! i am very much the same way, the brain scares me LMAO. that’s really interesting too, i took my intro class Several years ago but intro classes should really just be covering the history, the fields and notable figures… although there is a biology aspect in cognitive psych, which is an area that is Very Very biology/brain heavy, but unless that is a class you’re taking, it shouldn’t be too biology/anatomy heavy? very odd…

i can say, at least for me, as i got further in, it should really open up! there is a tiny bit of an inherent aspect of biology but it shouldn’t be anything super crazy and shouldn’t be, like, professors demanding you already know what regions of the brain do in your classes? like all the psych classes i had up until i graduated and even now, if biology is being brought in, they explain it again and unless it’s a cognitive/neuroscience/perception/motivation, it shouldn’t be dominated by biology.

even for like, a health psych class, it wasn’t so much about just biology as it was about the psychology of it and the motivations and thought processes and influences. that was actually one of my favorite classes i ever took! and there was some reviewing of biology but not a crazy amount. same with another class i took on stress and coping which was also super interesting and informative. incorporating psych helps a lot i think because that’s what you’re there for! and the professor is important too so ratemyprofessor is highly recommended i can’t lie HAHA

but yeah, it’s not something i constantly encounter unless by choice of class, because that stuff can be super tough. that’s how it was for me tho it might be different for you! and this is still your first year so you (hopefully!) have time to figure it out! maybe sociology will end up being more up your alley ^_^ either way, don’t feel pressured to settle immediately and if you can, explore a bit! i hope this was at least a little bit helpful and if you need any more help, i’d be happy to give it!! good luck with everything and hopefully your intro class eases into something a little easier/familiar!

[prisonhannibal]

no worries if this isn't something you want to talk about but do you have any tips for someone who's trying therapy for the first time?? i've definitely struggled w mental illness my whole life but grew up in a family that doesn't believe in psychology and i want to see a therapist but i don't really know how it works or what you even do in therapy LOL

sorry I took a while to get to this ask i’ve been working 💖 I don’t mind questions about mental health or treatment, i’ve been very open about it so it’s fine!

I’m probably not the best person to ask about starting therapy because I first got put in therapy at 12 lolll but I did that for about 4 months and then started again at 16 and I’m still getting therapy (not super rich, just norwegian so I don’t pay for it) so I am a bit of a therapy review blog if I do say so myself. i’ve done CBT, DBT, trauma-focused CBT, EMDR, MBT, hospitalizations, and regular talk therapy, so that the kinda tips and mindset I could talk about depends a LOT on what kind of problems you’re getting help for + the type of therapy you are doing. this is what I can think of rn tho that probably applies to a lot of stuff

if you can switch therapists, don’t be scared to do that if it’s not working out! i’ve had great therapists (one who genuinely changed my life, I can’t describe how grateful I am for her she was like a relative to me) and absolutely horrible therapists, one bad experience doesn’t mean therapy isn’t for u!! just keep trying! it’s important to set boundaries and let them know if there’s problems in the therapy relationship too

be honest with your therapist, even if it’s about issues you have with the therapist. communication is important!

remember that therapy is something you DO. you can go and sit there for an hour every week, but if you don’t do the work and actually use the skills you learn, it’s not gonna help. believe me I did that for years and I thought that it was hopeless and that therapy wasn’t doing anything, but the reason it wasn’t working is that I just let a therapist talk at me for an hour instead of doing the work myself. therapists can’t do it for you, only help you do it for yourself

some coping skills sound stupid, but really help, so give them a couple of chances

sometimes it gets worse before it gets better (especially with trauma stuff!!!) so don’t give up when it gets hard, but communicate with your therapist about what way it’s hard, so you can figure out if it’s helping or hurting

you don’t have to talk about everything immediately. be honest, but don’t rush or overwhelm yourself, you have time

diagnoses aren’t the most important thing, but they can really help get the right sort of treatment. if a diagnosis doesn’t fit, don’t be scared to say so. if they evaluate you again they’ll either a. realize you have something else and hopefully change the treatment plan if needed, or b. find out that the diagnosis is correct. it’s fine either way, it’s always good to figure things out. personally I was misdiagnosed with BPD, so the therapy I got for like 2 years wasn’t helpful for me because it focused on relationships etc and I don’t have ANY of the relationship+identity problems people with BPD have, so it was kind of a waste of time for me. I literally just had mood swings, impulsivity and self destructive behaviors because I’m bipolar, so when I got diagnosed and treated for it I immediately got better

you don’t have to prove that you’re “sick enough”

sometimes you go in thinking you’re getting help for one thing, but end up having other things that need to be addressed too, just be open

if something is hurting you, please set boundaries. therapists and the mental health system aren’t flawless, and if something is harmful to you you are allowed to speak up about it and not just uncritically go along with whatever they say

it may take a lot of time. look at me lol. just don’t rush through it! it worked out for me in the end ❤️

that’s all I can think of rn! I hope it was helpful in some way. remember to take care of yourself, maybe a little bit extra right now because you’re probably going through a lot since you’re considering going to therapy, and also since you’re going to deal with some stuff that might be difficult. just be extra nice, treat yourself. sometimes it’s nice to eat some chocolate or draw or paint my nails after therapy sessions just because it can be intense sometimes. I wish you all the best hope it can help you with the healing you want and need 💖💖💖💖

[couriersiccs]

okay TWO notes (i can’t type less wordy rn i’m so sorry) about Coping With ADHD (Or Anything, Really):

1) have a truly Vast Arsenal of Various Mechanisms, so that when one strategy stops working, you can just try another one that you either haven’t tried or has worked before in the past. Timers stop motivating you? your brain is getting used to them. instead, use Playlists/Songs/Albums/Podcast Episodes of the length of time you need. surprise, it stops working? Change genres and/or familiarity level with the sounds. and when that’s done? find an kitschy lil egg timer at your fave secondhand shop. so on and so forth, until maybe Timers works again and you’ve come full circle and hopefully managed yourself well in the meantime.

since my life revolves around dogs, i’ll use the metaphor of the kong toy, the rubber balls with a hollow middle to hide interest-sparking food in. your darling lab mix named Cooper may go bananas over his post-dinner peanut butter-stuffed kong toy, and then day after day lose interest until he no longer takes any interest in it.

that is, until you switch from using peanut butter to pumpkin puree. then to his fave kibble, to wet food, to steamed rice, to a chopped hard-boiled egg, to fresh strawberries and banana, to whatever else you know is good for them. and at some point, peanut butter will probably do it for him again, even after trying something else that works just once. never underestimate the power of Novelty to the adhd Attention Direction.

so when i see someone discussing some Focus app and they’re like “yeah i liked it but only worked for a little bit :\” that’s not a drawback, that’s a FEATURE. that’s just ONE thing that works. use it when it works! use other things when it doesn’t! try using it after taking a break to see if it works again!

because the other thing is

2) everything feels better when you’re working WITH your mind and not feeling combative about it. you’re not at war with yourself. i'm very prone to getting frustrated with myself. i used to constantly see myself as my own worst enemy. but these days, especially after a goddamn diagnosis, i can remember that i’m on the same team as myself, and that i’m just functioning how i’ve learned how to function.

whatever strategies you use to “deal with yourself,” know that these should’ve been allowed to develop when you were young, but they were probably denied to you as the “wrong” way of doing things. you’re not wrong, you just exist outside of the rigid, narrow boundaries that other people decided everyone needed to exist within, where they believe they exist. you are so entirely not the wrong one here.

since you didn’t foster healthy-to-you habits and responses back then, you’re doing it now, and it’s hard, but you’re doing it because you know it’s important. because you want to live by your values and goals and learning - by trial and error - how YOU build your Psychological Self-Management Skills (aka Arsenal of Tools) is more important than building them how anyone else says you should be building them. (including me.)

you have to care for yourself like you wish your child self was cared for. allow yourself what nobody wanted to allow you. make your strategies interesting to you again, even if all it takes is varying the stimulation or the sense you’re stimulating. adding a little Interest-Sparking Seasoning is like giving yourself a Spoons Coupon, giving the Effort a considerable cost-reduction by upping the Internal Motivation. External Sensory Input makes the impermanent concept of time tangible before of you with a kitchen timer shaped like a hen sitting on a nest, and when that stops being fun, a fuckin Pictionary hourglass or some shit go wild baby

[laughingmagi]

Since I don’t really have a personal blog rn, you’re just gonna have to put up with some of my nonsense.

Just to clarify, my sad feelings are a continuation of my overall disgust, terror, and hopelessness of living in America. More personally, I’ve been coping with the drama with the Marilyn Manson drama, which frankly I mean, I’ve been hearing shit like that for years, but it was all part in parcel when it comes to a long history of excusing damaged men and hiding behind “separate the art from the artist”. Maybe the latter worked with bad behaviour as a budding rock star when he was in his twenties or his insistence of using the n-word in his songs, but in the literary sense of the term, not the racial. Dumb shit that pseudo-intellectual (white) men tell you, and manage to spin it with aplomb given enough a charm. Being someone that used to hang on every word watching his interviews back in the day, I can tell you the man oozed charm despite his unconventional appearance. 

But I’m tired.

I’m so fucking tired. 

For as long as he’s been with me, admittedly an artist I’d return to again and again because it scratched that itch, my own celebration of the twisted darkness we hold in all of us, or wallowing in the victim hood of feeling ostracized from society, I’ve let go and it feels weird yet liberating somehow. Still, there’s that vague sense of less. Maybe it seems a little silly, but I’ve been that person for most my life. That wanker that can talk your ear about bands, songs, music genres, their cultural impact, and will excitedly share music with someone. To deliberately end my “relationship” with an artist, not merely losing interest, it’s almost like cutting off a limb.

Meh, yes, this is all so stupid and pathetic, innit? Over Marilyn Manson, for god’s sake. ANYWAY. I’m gonna doze back off for a bit and hopefully wake up in a better state for writing and socializing.

[true-sapphire-star]

Mod Update (7/14/20)

Hello again everyone. Here’s a bit of another update largely to show you i’m very much still alive.

So. That CV. It’s uh... getting pretty crazy here in the USA. I’m safe, and nobody has it in my immediate family. It’s likely that I’ll contract it eventually, but for the most part I should be relatively safe? Regarding that cough... I’ve largely found out what the chronic cough was that I had, and it just requires a couple lifestyle changes to resolve. Nothing super serious luckily, but it does flare up with stress. Speaking of stress, I’m stressed to the nines and my depression is kicking like an angry mule, but still somehow holding on. Hooray for semi-decent coping methods! Some amount of relief is on the horizon though, so I’m holding onto hope. Next week is my final for my hopefully last class that I will ever have to take at my college. I’m not doing the best in it, but I’ve kicked into overdrive and I’m basically pouring all of my energy into studying.

Everything in my life feels to be out of control rn, but tbh. Outside of the worldly matters that I literally have no control over? Most that’s in disorder is my mentality and my room. So, I’ll say I’m doing pretty alright all things considered.

Regarding the blog...

I... Uh

Not going to lie. I didn’t think the blog would hit 100 followers. Especially since I’ve been on hiatus. Honestly, I just checked for kicks and I really didn’t expect it. So, that’s certainly a pleasant surprise. To everyone who joined recently... Hi! Pleasure to meet you, I’m Safi Mod. Glad that you like my stuff, hopefully I’ll be back soon enough and able to contribute a bit more! Speaking of back soon enough, here’s a (extremely rough) timeline of when I might be back: July 24th is the day of my final for this summer course. After that, the most that I need to focus on is locating a new full time job as I will have graduated college at this point, and will no longer be capable of working for the school as a student. So... I can keep my current job till... about December, if I recall correctly. Once college is done, I’m going to take a week or two to myself (hopefully) to just chill and recover and get things under control again. From there, it’ll just be work and job applications until I land something.  Sometime during that week or two, as well as a little bit past it, I’m going to start looking into my muse again. I need to re-read some of the old rps to get my head on straight regarding them so I don’t make an awkward bend in the character’s personality in the middle of an RP. This... is a grey area, and I don’t know how long it will be until I’m comfortable with the muse again. In all.... I’m guessing probably a month after my final, to maybe two before I really pick up activity again. As I said, this is an extremely rough timeline, and in no way binding. So... It may be later, may be sooner, or right on the mark. Who knows. I’m going to try to make it sooner rather than later, but... Y’know. Life happens.

So.. Yeah. That’s my update. I’m gonna go back into the abyss of school/work now, so please stay safe and stay positive everyone!

[quinn-firethief]

Quinn Firethief

Hello everyone! It’s currently four am but I’ll do my best here. Quinn Firethief is one of my oldest wizards. I made him two years ago after I downloaded the game for the first time in like, years, to play with some friends. The graphics update had me shook, y’all. My friends and I loved roleplaying as our characters (both in-game via voice chat and in our texting apps cause we’re weebs) so Quinn is pretty fleshed out. The problem is is that I’m poor so I’m currently stuck right before Marleybone. Hopefully, I’ll be able to change that once I graduate. But for right now, I’ll give you guys the rundown of his character up until this point. Quinn Firethief is a Prince. His parents are the King and Queen of Dragonspyre. Yeah, big surprise, amirite? When I made his backstory, I made it without knowing the whole story of the world. Bad on my part, I know, but I’m really attached to the idea now. So, how that works is that while most of Dragonspyre is unhabitable, there is still a very small part that is. That's where the royal family and a lot of inhabitants that were too loyal to leave ran to. It’s a very small place, they have a very small military, it’s very much a former shell of the great glory it once was. Because of this though, Quinn is well known among their people because there’s probably, at least, a hundred or two left there. He cares very much about them, he’s a great public speaker, very charismatic, and he just really cares about people and really loves helping them in general. It's such a small place that it's really not that big of a deal that Quinn is a prince, a few people might be like “wow what's it like???” but a lot of questions don’t really apply to him because he did live a comfortable life, just not a lavished one thanks to their current situation. But his family does have very good background to their name. Firethieves were the royal family after all. There’s a big legend that they got their last name-Firethief of course-by stealing fire from the Dragons themselves so that they could harness the power and learn how to control it. Depending on whether or not you believe that, you could say a lot of people have Quinn’s ancestors from many many generations ago to thank for fire magic. Others might say that the downfall of the world is probably the family’s karma catching back up on them if that is true.

Before I go into the next part. I no longer talk to the friend that played the next character that I’m going to be talking about. We didn’t end on good terms. But their character is very vital to Quinn’s story. I can’t just write them out. So I’ve decided to just not put their name. Maybe I will later, maybe I’ll completely change it; we’ll just have to see.

Quinn had a best friend who was basically like a brother to him. He was always at the castle, and people even called him a Prince too. When they were of age to go to Ravenwood and start practicing magic (which, in my opinion, is probably eighteen, maybe as young as sixteen if you’re super good) they went together. Like I said, Quinn’s family has a long history in fire magic, being the royal family of Dragonspyre after all, so Quinn immediately dabbled in fire magic. His best friend went into myth. When they started questing, they ended up meeting a life wizard named Sarai (her last name escapes me rn I’ll get back to y’all on that) who was in the same year as them. (She was played by my girlfriend, if she ever makes a Tumblr for her I’ll definitely link it here) They needed a healer, she needed some harder hitters, so they all started questing together. They became the best of friends. They were well on their way to being able to take down Malistaire. The journey didn’t come without difficulties of course. Sarai got sick with the Krok Plague during one of the dungeons, and the boys had to rush through the last few to get the cure for her. Quinn’s best friend ended up dropping Myth because he was doing so horrible. He did, however, become very interested in Balance thanks to Kroktopia and found he did very well in that. While Sarai was sick Quinn realized that he had definitely fallen in love with the sweet and gentle Life wizard, and while he came very close to confessing his feelings, he didn’t.

Krok ended well. They were able to get the cure to Sarai in time and they finished it all out together, with Sarai cured of the plague and coherent. They all crashed in Sarai’s house afterward and chatted about how far they had come, and how they heard that Marleybone was needing help next.

Now, this is when my friends and I stopped playing. Summer of 2018 had drawn to a close and I was going into my Junior year. We all got very busy, my family ran into some bad financial problems so I obviously couldn’t unlock the Marleybone zones, and then by the end of my Junior year, I was no longer talking to the friend that played Quinn’s best friend. I’m in my Senior year and I’m feeling nostalgic, and like most Wizard101 players I’m getting sucked back into this game(help me). But this is where I take some liberty with the story. The three of them do end up going to Marleybone, but after a good few weeks, they end up running into Morganthe who, at this point, is just starting to plan on getting a little public about her villainess. Obviously, at this point, I’m messing with canon a little bit, but not that bad. She ended up casting a spell that took ahold of Quinn’s best friend's mind and completely turned him against Quinn and Sarai. They tried to free him from the spell but it became very clear very fast that it wasn’t possible. They ended up having to kill him. Quinn dealt the final blow with his bow and arrow (I got it from a pack, such a good drop sorry now isn’t the best time-) and the place they were fighting in exploded. Sarai and Quinn were knocked out and then dragged to safety by some other wizards that heard the explosion. While the friend’s body was never found, it was plainly obvious that he was dead. Quinn and his best friend, who was basically his brother, had known each other since they were kids. Like, I’m talking six years old. they had known Sarai for at least two years at this point since Krok and Wizard City had definitely (in my mind) taken some time to get through and fix. They were a very close, tightknit group. They were well known around Ravenwood and it was rare when you saw one of them walking around alone. So, as you can imagine, having to kill their own friend was very, very hard on them. Especially Quinn. He and Sarai can’t even be around each other anymore because it hurts too much, the wound is too raw. Quinn ends up telling Sarai that he needs some time alone, some time to think. So they stop talking, they stop hanging out, and they both just stop questing in general. It’s not the same without their friend’s lute playing to cheer them on.

Quinn gets very depressed and turns to alcohol. At this point, he’s twenty-one, so it is legal. A favorite of his is Fireball. If he’s not sleeping or studying or practicing, he’s drinking. He has nightmares (and rarely dreams, those tend to hurt more) of his friend constantly. He has to move out of the dorm because they always hung out there and it just hurts too much, there are too many memories. He can’t even visit Dragonspyre because of all of the memories they have there, he’d probably drop dead the moment he walked in because of how hard it’d hit him. So he moves into the Fire House (the classic burning tower with all that lava) and to try and cope, he makes a grave for his best friend even though they never found a body. Yep, you’re right, that’s exactly what my header is. Depressing, right? I had a leftover present from some winter event, so I decided to put that there to make it even sadder. This is currently where I’m picking up with Quinn, where he’s at his lowest and he’s pushing everyone away and he feels completely alone. It really resonates with me because of how I’ve been feeling lately (for like NO reason might I add). I’m super excited to write about it, it’s definitely going to be fun. I hope you guys enjoyed that! I’m sorry this was such a long read lmao this took me like twenty minutes to type up. Mainly because I had to keep fact-checking and I’m so tired. It’s now five am and I need to sleep. If you guys have any questions, don’t be afraid to ask. If you wanna be friends, shoot me a text! I need more Wizard101 buddies so badly right now. I might open one-shot requests if enough people show interest in Quinn and my writings enough, but we’ll just have to see :)

Have a good day everyone!

[localrobosexual]

hewwo my fwiends it's currently real Loving Seaside Hours™ again as spurred by talking to a blessed pal of mine earlier today about our comfort characters, so as I'm tryina ride out this thunderstorm going on outside so I can actually go to sleep I'm just gonna take a moment and gush about this robot and how and why he means so much to me, that alright w y'all lmao

putting a breaker on this bc I already know it's gonna get long and ramble-y lmao. Not gonna mind if u skip this over and don't bother reading it, I just wanna kinda shout into the void about my ocs a bit, don't mind me!

HEY SO YEE I JUST RLLY RLLY LOVE MY BIG DUMB ROBOT SO SO MUCH AAAAAA HE MEANS THE WORLD TO ME AND I COULD NEVER SELL OR TRADE HIM EVER AND I JUST WISH I HAD MORE DISPOSABLE INCOME TO USE TO JUST BUY MORE COMMISSIONS OF HIM BECAUSE GOD EVERY TIME I DRAW HIM AND EVERY TIME SOMEONE ELSE DOES TOO MY HEART JUST FUCKIN SWELLS W LOVE AND HAPPINESS!!!!! THIS ONE LITTLE TRANSFORMERS OC DOES THAT MUCH!!!!!!!! AND ITS GREAT!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAA

ok but. For real now, besides my initial screams that I had to get out hksjdks. Y'all wanna hear some insight into what all went into making him and why he means so much to me and all. Strap in bc it's gonna get Real

let's start with something pretty well known. Maybe not coming from me but a well known fact regardless lmao. Truth be told I wrote out from the paragraph below this one to the bottom without writing an introduction first and I'm too tired to try to come up with anything good now so uh. Hopefully this isn't too jarring hkshdksk my bad y'all my bad.

Anyways. Mental health! Fucked mental health! that's so much fun right!!

Haha yeah. Nah. We all know this. Being depressed is rlly wack y'all. It fuckin messes up ur head big time. I still don't know if I have downright depression, because I still haven't been properly diagnosed, and I never rlly associated my symptoms and the way I was feeling with depression bc it didn't line up with the stereotypical symptoms of depression, so I was (and still am) just calling it my "existential crisis". That was rlly the only word I could use to describe it. And it was dark and it was lonely and crushing and so, so awful. Despite the fact that I had an extremely loving and supportive friend group, I was always, ALWAYS afraid of speaking up about it. Despite them and all, I still felt super SUPER alone in the way I was feeling about life, my future, and my general purpose. This was all just reinforced by my parents and other adults in my life who I tried to come to in the past who would brush me off by saying I was overreacting, or that I'll "figure it out, because everybody does", or just generally not really understanding or showing any empathy at all. It took my entire life up until SENIOR YEAR ENGLISH CLASS when I went to my teacher about how I was feeling about a certain project that was triggering my symptoms, and that was the first time in my life when any adult had actually shown any sort of understanding or sympathy towards me and my feelings. That was the first time in my life where my mental struggles were validated by someone I respected and held to high regard.

But I still felt so very very alone, with no one to really talk to or who I knew was going through the same thing as me. So I ended up just,, , making someone who did.

Fun fact, before I really went ham on his development, Seaside was just gonna be a one-off oc with a happy go-lucky attitude and not much else about him. It was only until I heard the song What We Will Never Know (which later ended up becoming one of his theme songs bc of this) for the first time that I decided "WAIT,,. ,, BUT,, , WHAT IF,,. , ,,, , I MADE HIM SAD TOO" pretty much hkHKDJDJSK and that's what kick started his development!!

here I was, this sad, depressed, deeply lonely bitch with a love for making characters who played on extensions of myself, finally able to make something to cope with how awful I was feeling all the time. And that's what Seaside kinda was to me at first, he was my coping mechanism for working through hard bouts of my existenial crisis. I crafted his backstory to fit EXACTLY what I was going through at the time. He was content but never truly happy with how his life had been for as long as he could remember, then something exciting and new happens and he's suddenly thrust into a brand new world with so many new possibilities, but as he starts to settle in he realizes just how lost and alone he truly is in this new environment and he doesn't know where to go or what to do with himself. This is literally, EXACTLY a point-to-point retelling of my experience going through high school, graduating, and trying to figure out what to do with my life all with my mental health rapidly deteriorating around me. And having someone like that in my life, even fictional, even one I literally made up myself, made me feel better. I'd daydream scenarios of of us going on little adventures at the beach at night where no one else would see him in robot mode (gotta keep up the disguise aspect and all), but mostly it was just us hanging out, usually cuddled up to each other bc it gets cold on the beach at night, looking up at the stars, chillin and talking and just taking comfort in each other's presences and knowing that we weren't alone in our struggles. And I KNOW that sounds super stupid and cringey and dumb but like, that's genuinely what made, and still does, make me happy and it's what I used to help me hold on just a little longer to get through some of the really rough periods of my existenial crisis. When it got super bad, when I still even couldn't tell my closest friends about how low I was feeling, I still at least had Seaside with me to help me cope.

it wasn't until it got to the point where I was pretty much (lovingly) forced to wake up to the reality that I was rapidly becoming genuinely suicidal that things finally started to change, even just a little bit. I only very recently finally started to get my mind right, I finally told my parents the whole truth about how I was feeling, I got put on some meds that are honestly doing WONDERS for me rn, and I'm definitely in a much better place mentally then I was just a few months ago. I certainly still have a long way to go, but for now I'm just trying to enjoy the ride and just soak up and relish in the fact that I'm, for the first time in years, genuinely going about my days just happy to be out here living life without constantly being weighed down by the soul crushingly empty sorrow that hung over me 24/7. (and to said close group of friends, if you're indeed reading this, this may be the first time you're hearing about what I've been going through all the time, and if that's the case, I'm gonna have to kindly ask that you not come to me about it. I'll know when I'm ready to talk about this openly, but now I don't think I am. I'm really sorry to have kept it from y'all for so long, it really was just eating me up inside, but I think I explained myself well enough)

so now that I'm doing much better mentally, Seaside's outlook has kinda changed, but at the same time, not really?? he's still my comfort character for sure, always will be, but now he's not so much a coping mechanism as he is just a solid source of happiness and peace to turn to every now and again. This one little transformers oc just genuinely makes me really really happy, and I love to just soak it all in and feel every little thing!! We still share the not knowing what we're doing with our lives aspect of ourselves, but now it's a little less completely lost and anguished and hopeless and a little more hopeful and reassuring. Things are gonna be ok. We'll figure this out at our own pace. And we'll still have each other to turn to at every step of the way.

there's a lot of different kinds of comfort energies that many different kinds of comfort characters give off, and different ones resonate more with different people. The most common one I'll see at least is a kind of is parental comfort, someone you can come to for guidance in life because they have the experience to advise you on what to do and can be almost a better pseudo-parental figure. Mom friend types, loving dad energy, that kind of thing. Someone to protect you and give you big strong hugs and stuff. Seaside gives off a similar yet very different kind of comfort energy to me. It's not parental in any way because he's far too young (relatively, even in Cybertronian standards. He'd be like, mid to late 20s in human years) and inexperienced, and, frankly, still a little too naive and unknowing about a lot of things to really be someone to turn to for guidance or just generally be a pseudo-parental figure, but instead, he's just a good friend. He's a perfect kind of friend that'd stand by your side and will always be there for you through the ups and downs of life, someone who knows how to cheer you up when you're sad, someone you can share a solidarity in where you know you're experiencing the exact same struggles. He's just a good shoulder to lean on and a constant reminder that I'm never alone. And I couldn't ask for anything better tbh

so yeah. There's my ramble I guess lmao. To sum it up rlly I just love this big dumb robot w all my heart and soul and I'm so so glad I made him 💕💕💕

[palemoonpersephone]

60 Question Tag Challenge

So I’ve been tagged by @kaffeinic to answer these questions. Here we go!

1: Selfie.

Gonna have to decline this one as I’m very shy but I’ll describe myself a little to make up for it - very long dark reddish-brown hair, brown eyes, pale skin, fun size.

2: What would you name your future kids?

Can’t say for certain, I feel it would depend on what name felt right for that baby but I like many Italian and Celtic names.

3: Do you miss anyone? 

Yes, definitely. Old friends, old pen-pals/online friends who just seemed to disappear. And I miss my partner and my friends when we’re apart.

4: What are you looking forward to?

the weekend Seeing my partner again, working on my writing projects, starting third year of uni, and unashamedly the new Witcher series on Netflix!

5: Is there anyone who can always make you smile?

The lovely @kaffeinic for a start! My best friend, my partner, my doggy 🐕

6: Is it hard for you to get over someone?

All depends on the context. I’ve had crushes in the past that have been relatively easy to get over but then I’ve lost a couple of close friends and that had a pretty traumatic affect on me. Other times it’s been very easy because it’s been the right thing to do because the person I cut off was very toxic/bad for me.

7: What was your life like last year?

In some aspects very similar, my interests are all pretty much the same, my mental health was still difficult to manage and I was looking forward to my upcoming year of uni. But this time last year I wasn’t in a relationship and hadn’t began a really amazing journey of self-discovery.

8: Have you ever cried because you were so annoyed?

feel so attacked rn yes, I very much have. Crying tends to be my natural response to most high-running emotions.

9: Who did you last see in person? 

Within my household, my mum as I’m currently home for the summer. Outside of that, my partner when he last came down to visit

10: Are you good at hiding your feelings?

I can be. I’ve found it depends on how well other people can see. Over the years I’ve had to hide all sorts of things, especially from my family. For years they didn’t know I was severely ill with anxiety and depression but that might be testament to poor observation and parenting skills, or maybe I just became that good and hiding things. I’m striving now to be more open about how I feel rather than bottling things up because it’s like drinking poison. 

11: Are you listening to music right now?

Not at this minute.

12: What is something you want right now?

a hug a life without crippling mental illness  probably inspiration to work on my novel

13: How do you feel right now?

Quite tired, a bit lonely. Really craving some energy and pizzazz

14: When was the last time someone of the opposite sex hugged you?

Probably the Monday before last at 4-ish in the morning when my partner had to leave for work.

15: Personality description?

Shy, careful, introverted, open, understanding, affectionate, creative

16: Have you ever wanted to tell someone something but you didn’t?

Pretty much the story of my life. For the last 10-12 years I’ve had to keep so many things to myself, especially regarding my family. I could never say what I thought/believed because it would all spiral into a catastrophe, wasn’t a very safe environment emotionally-speaking. There have been so, so many things I’ve wanted to say but haven’t for the risk of rocking the boat.

17:  Opinion on insecurities?

Most people I know have them, including myself but I think people can be misled to think that others don’t have them because of the outward images they display. And from my experience they’re usually there for all the wrong reasons (if there’s such a thing as a right reason to have an insecurity)

18: Do you miss how things were a year ago?

No, I’ve only gained things since then.

19: Have you ever been to New York?

Not so far but I can’t say I have any desire to

20: What is your favourite song at the moment? 

Perhaps Ring of Fire by In This Moment

21: Age and birthday?

21, born 18/09/97

22: Description of crush?

(also my partner) 6″1, dark/black hair, brown eyes, built like a brick shit-house, tan skin. He’s intelligent, considerate, honourable, principled, fierce, indomitable, funny, supportive and respectful. 

23: Fear(s)?

I’m just gonna say most things

24: Height?

5″3

25: Role model?

Not sure I have one. I aspire more to qualities like goodness, kindness and innocence

26: Idol(s)?

see above

27: Things I hate:

Small mindedness, cruel/selfish/narcissistic people, exclusion, organised religion (as more of an abstract concept), people not getting what they deserve, when people aren’t willing to listen and learn, having plans ruined, seeing people upset, people who don’t put in effort/only take and never give back

28: “I’ll love you if...”

Lots of possible answers as there lots of sorts of love. In short, if you give back. But then love shouldn’t be conditional, so I guess I should say I couldn’t love someone (in any way) who never gives back. 

29: Favourite film(s)?

Beauty and the Beast, Peter Pan, The Lion King, The Other Boleyn Girl, most Marvel movies

30: Favourite tv show(s)? 

Call the Midwife, Brooklyn 99, QI, The Last Kingdom, Doctor Who

31: 3 random facts.

I’ve been writing for almost 12 years now. I sleep with cuddly toys and make bed forts. I use fantasy to cope with reality.

32: Are your friends mainly girls or guys?

Right now, girls but when I was in secondary school most of my friends were boys.

33: Something you want to learn. 

In a physical/skills sense I’d like to learn how to dance. In an emotional/mental sense I want to learn how to unburden by troubles and let go of things holding me down.

34: Most embarrassing moment?

With an anxiety disorder many, many things feel hideously embarrassing. Don’t think I could pick out one exact moment.

35: Favourite subject? 

History

36: 3 dreams you want to fulfill?

Becoming a successful author. Make lots of money so I can give it to charities. Overcome/beat my mental illnesses. 

37: Favourite actor/actress? 

Probably Tom Hiddleston

38: Favourite comedian(s)? 

Stephen Fry, Dara O’Brian, Sandi Toskvig, Aisling Bea

39: Favourite sport(s)? 

Riding, archery, yoga (still physical activity so I guess it counts), swimming, running

40: Favourite memory?

Right now I think it’s when my partner told me he loved me for the first time

41: Relationship status?

If you haven’t guessed by now I’m concerned 😋

42: Favourite books?

Too many to choose from.

43: Favourite song ever? 

Probably Lithium by Evanescence

44: Age you get mistaken for?

Always younger than I am. I really haven’t changed much since I was about 16. Still get ID’d almost everywhere because I look younger than 18 apparently

45: How you found out about your idol.

Not really applicable.

46: What my last text message says.

That’s no one’s business.

47: Turn-ons?

Maturity, experience, intelligence, someone who knows themselves and is in control, someone who can give care and guidance, someone who can bring my out of my shell.

48: Turn-offs?

Idiocy, lack of self-care/hygiene, someone who isn’t willing to listen, entitlement, intolerance, confidence when it hasn’t been earned. 

49: Where I want to be right now.

The New Forest

50: Favourite picture of your idol?

Kinda need an idol first...

51: Star sign?

Virgo

52: Something I’m talented at.

anxiety? I’m quite good at riding and hopefully my writing isn’t too shabby

53: 5 things that make me happy.

Animals, people I love, random acts of kindness, smells that awaken nice memories, creative passion 

54: Something that’s worrying me at the moment.

Guess at random and you’ll probably be correct.

55: Tumblr friends?

@kaffeinic I feel we clicked really really fast and they are possibly the bravest person I’ve ever met and I hope we stay friends.

@alittleandherdaddysworld they’ve been really kind to me and we seem to have some things in common, I hope we get to know each other better!

@xxdaddyslitttleprincessxx they’ve also been really kind to me when I needed someone to turn to and I hope that we too can turn our acquaintance into a friendship!

@thorkingofasgard I think we’ve known one another for just over a year and have had many lovely talks over that time, they’re always a friend I can turn to.

@mblargh-its-me-loki a friend who I sometimes don’t hear from for long periods at a time and I often miss them and hope they’re doing okay

@c0ffeebee their artwork and dedication is second to none and I like to think we got on well when I commissioned them for some art

56: Favourite food(s)?

Love curries and stir-fry, anything involving noodles, Italian cuisine and I’ll never say no to cake

57: Favourite animal(s)?

Dogs, horses, deer, bunnies, foxes, otters, dolphins, mice (I really could go on so I’ll stop myself)

58: Description of my best friend.

5″5, dark blonde hair, brown eyes, tan skin. She’s lovely, intelligent, determined, hilarious, gorgeous and we know each other back to front

59: Why I joined tumblr?

At first it was to connect with more people and spread my fanfiction work but over time it’s become more about just sharing and interacting with what I like and trying to make more and more lovely friends

60: Ask me anything you want.

Hold nothing back

I’m going to tag my listed tumblr friends so that’s @alittleandherdaddysworld @xxdaddyslitttleprincessxx @thorkingofasgard @mblargh-its-me-loki @c0ffeebee and any of my followers are welcome to take part

[youveneverbeenalone]

Inktober for Writers/Fictober:

Day 30- Secret (Darejones)

Hello again, fam. Are you ready for the second to last installment of this project I took on a year ago and which took on a life of its own, but which has brought me such joy in the end? I think I am.

Today’s prompt, Secret, turned into one of my favorites. Maybe even my very favorite. It started as a crack idea that I barely started writing last year, but then I sat down and thought about it for a minute and realized ... I might be on to something. But then I took longer than I meant to in getting everything about it just right. I think it was worth it, though. I’m pretty proud of this one. I hope you like it.

Now, fair disclosure (and cw: sexual assault - not in the fic but in this paragraph): parts of what I write for Jessica are what I’d call ... autobiographically-adjacent. My story is different than hers in many ways (obviously) but there are still many similarities. That’s a big part of why I love her as a character so much and why I enjoy writing her. So occasionally I borrow inspiration from my own life and find a way to fit it into Jessica’s that will still make sense for her character and within her world. I try to do this with mostly little things. Details that the show never gets to or thinks to touch on. But I try not to do it with anything that would change the shape of her actual story. I never want to add something that doesn’t fit or seems out of character. Hopefully that’s not what’s happening here. Anyway, I may never have been experimented on and turned into a superhero, but I (like too many others) have been manipulated and experienced sexual violence against my will and one of the ways I chose to cope with that violation and reclaim my bodily autonomy was how Jessica chooses to in this one shot. So the idea didn’t just come from nowhere.

Anyway, this piece fits with the general timeline I was creating with the other Inktober for Writers oneshots from last year, right after they first get together. Like immediately after, in the morning.

To refresh your memory and/or to catch up, here are the preceding 29 days on AO3 (tumblr links are being fussy rn). Give me your thoughts if you’re so inclined. I’d enjoy hearing them if you’re interested in sharing. And again - thank you, with every fiber of my being for reading! You’re all the best!

Day 30 - Secret

When he happens to notice this new, secret bit of information about her is as much of a surprise as the discovery itself, because he is not typically one to miss such details, though he’ll chalk most of that up to the fact that the first time he was introduced to that patch of her skin, he was a little preoccupied. But when they’re getting up and around the next morning, he’s free of distractions as he happens upon it again.

It happens the morning after - after they spend the night together for the first time - when he offers to make her breakfast, having woken her gently with kisses, soft touches to her face, and general adoration that she pretends to despise but he can tell she actually loves. She grunts a begrudging affirmative, still groggy and very put out to be awake before 10 am, but gets up and puts on her underwear and t-shirt as he pulls on pajama pants and a t-shirt of his own. Next she finds her jeans and moves to step in them, but in her still half-asleep state, her foot catches in the fabric, and she starts to fall.

He’s behind her in seconds, pulling her up with one hand grabbing her hip and the other at her shoulder to steady her, a smirk on his face. But his expression immediately morphs into one of confusion.

“Wait, is that a tattoo?” The hand holding her hip now traces the skin slightly to the right of her left hip bone where a circular tattoo, about the size of a plum is inked into her skin.

She heaves a big sigh and fights a losing battle with a blush, rolling her head to angle away from him. “I was wondering if you were going to notice that.”

He chuckles softly. “Forgive me if my attention was diverted last night when I might have had the chance to notice it. I would hope my efforts were appreciated and that the oversight could be forgiven,” he says with a sly grin as he leans in and kisses her neck where she’s exposed it for him.

She shivers and he notices her pulse spike. The shiver seems like an indicator that she enjoyed the gesture, but he can’t quite parse if it’s the good kind of pulse spike or not as her adrenaline spikes as well. But then she turns in his hold so that they’re face-to-face, and he makes a mental note to avoid her neck from behind until they’ve had a conversation about it, just to be sure. She doesn’t seem too upset, though, and links her hands around his neck.

“I probably don’t want to know the answer to this question, but how can you tell?”

He settles his hands on her hips and shrugs. “It has to do with the … density of the skin in that area, for lack of a better word. I can feel the ink sitting in the dermis layer.”

“Yeah, that’s not creepy and simultaneously gross at all.”

He just smirks at her. “May I?”

“Fine,” she huffs.

With gentle, teasing fingers, he resumes his tracing of the outline of the shape with a quiet intensity. He pretends not to notice her sharp intake of breath or rapidly increasing pulse as he does. Instead, he narrates what he finds.

“So it’s a smiley face. But a … dead one? Like, with ex-ed out eyes?”

She huffs an exasperated sigh at him, but it sounds like she’s holding back a bit of a chuckle. “It’s the Nirvana logo, dumbass.”

Matt closes his eyes and inclines his head a few degrees, appropriately chagrined even if it’s not technically realistic for him to have known that. He wasn’t really a fan of grunge before the accident.

“Right. Sorry. It’s been a while since I’ve seen it.”

She bites her lip and rolls her eyes at him, still fighting a laugh. “I guess you’re forgiven.”

He puts a hand to his chest, voice feigning shock. “I’m touched by your magnanimity.”

At this, Jessica playfully punches him in the shoulder.

A beat passes as he begins re-tracing the outline of the shape on her soft skin, mesmerized by this new discovery. His voice is quiet when he finally works up the courage to ask the question that is suddenly burning a hole through the center of his brain.

“What made you decide to get it?”

She doesn’t seem to understand the sincerity of his interest and shrugs. “I don’t know. Why does any young idiot get a tattoo? I had just turned eighteen and was desperate to do anything that would prove my independence to any and everyone who would listen. Plus, I might have been a little drunk. And I, uhhh … nevermind.”

Matt cocks his head at the way that she begins to trail off, as though editing herself before sharing something too … well, he’s not quite sure what. But he has a suspicion.

“What?”

“Do you not know what ‘nevermind’ means?”

And the flinty edge that is now creeping into her tone does nothing to dissuade him of said suspicion. He runs a few contingencies in his head about how to proceed before making a calculated choice to respond with sarcasm.

“Oh, wait … I do know this one! It’s the name of a Nirvana album?”

“Cute,” she huffs with a halfhearted sneer of a smile. But it’s not too far off of the mark for what he was expecting in response, and it’s less of a shutdown than she could have given him, so he looks at the floor as he pushes her just a little harder.

“Thanks. But, it just seemed like you were thinking really hard about something before you changed your mind. And it just seemed like it was somewhat significant. Now, you don’t have to tell me; you never have to tell me anything you don’t want to. But you also don’t have to not tell me something just because it is significant. I don’t scare that easy, Jones. I’m Daredevil, remember?”

She shakes her head and scoffs at him. “I don’t — I mean, look, I just … ughhh. Fine. It’s just that … even though I wasn’t really consciously thinking it, looking back, it was something I wanted to do for myself. To myself. To show that even though those bastards at IGH had done whatever the fuck they’d done to me, my body was still mine and I got to decide my fate. Including choosing to get a shitty Nirvana tattoo on my hip.”

She’s deflated by the end - as though the disclosure took an inordinate amount of energy from her - posture sagging and looking down and away from him.

Matt blinks at her. “Wow, Jess. That is … surprisingly insightful. And it makes a lot of sense, actually. Thank you for telling me that. Truly.” He brings a gentle hand up to cup her face and lifts her chin, as if to make eye contact with her and emphasize his words.

“Yeah, well, congratulations. You know all my secrets now,” she says in a flat voice.

He struggles and fails to suppress a chuckle, because the idea strikes him as patently ridiculous. Someone as complex and complicated and intelligent and interesting as Jessica Jones is bound to have more secrets than a Nirvana tattoo. Surely.

“Somehow I doubt that,” he says in an arch tone.

But she doesn’t chuckle back or even huff a laugh under her breath at him. Instead she pushes hard against his chest, effectively breaking out of his hold, and smacks him in the arm with a surprising amount of force.

“What? What’s wrong?” he asks, very confused at her sudden change in mood.

“That wasn’t supposed to be funny, asshole. But believe me, I’m thrilled to know this is just a big joke to you. That I’m a joke to you.” She storms off, out of his bedroom and into the living room.

Matt hurries after her, his mind reeling and anxiety coursing through his veins. He’s never made such a terrible miscalculation in how she’d respond to his sarcasm, but he supposes it was bound to happen eventually. He just wishes it wasn’t in response to such a fragile moment that he unintentionally stomped all over.

“No! Jess. Never. You’re the furthest thing from a joke to me. I swear. I-I’m sorry. You’re right. That was … very unfair of me. Please forgive me for being so flippant. I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings or invalidate what you were trying to share with me. I’m sorry.”

A quick scan reveals she’s not particularly moved by his words, standing still and silent, arms crossed tight over her chest, as she stares out of his apartment window into the distance.

He runs a nervous hand through his hair and walks a few cautious steps toward the next window over, but she gives no sign that she acknowledges him. Heaving a heavy sigh, he leans back against the brick wall in between the windows and looks down, addressing his feet as much as he’s addressing her.

“I just meant that there’s so much more to you, so much more than what you present to the world. And I see that. Just as I see why you keep it locked away. You’d be crazy not to. Or at least a glutton for punishment with no survival instinct. But you’re neither of those things. You’re beautifully complex and complicated and messy and I love you for it. For all of it. But please believe me when I say I’m not scared of it. I’m not scared of you or of any possible secret you may have. I meant it when I said you never have to tell me anything, but you always can if you want to or if you need someone to talk to. About whatever.”

She answers him in the form of a heavy sigh as she shifts her weight, leaning into her opposite hip. But she still says nothing, staring blankly out at the city below.

Matt sighs in frustration before making himself take a step back to reassess. He’s pretty sure she’s listening - if not, she would have just left. She had every opportunity to. And he’s seen her leave for much less in the past. So he can’t give up yet. Matt licks his lips as he tries his last remaining strategy, edging ever so carefully closer to her as he speaks.

“Not gonna argue - I totally deserve the silent treatment, but that’s gonna make today pretty miserable for me. So is there anything I could do to make it up to you? Or to show you how sorry I am? I mean, I was already going to make breakfast, but at this point, maybe you’d like it in bed?”

She still refuses to look at him, but she turns from looking out the window to looking down at the floor as she leans her left side against the brick wall in between the windows.

Matt considers this progress and continues edging toward her and offering suggestions for how he could pay his penance.

“Or maybe some old fashioned groveling would help?”

Jessica rolls her eyes at that, and Matt smirks at the fact that he seems to be winning her over, slowly but surely.

“Or maybe … I could get a matching tattoo?”

She bites her lip at that, no doubt to keep from smirking at him. But he’s not about to let her get away with that.

“Is that it? Oh, I think that’s it. But where do you think would be best? Here?”

He holds up his arm, flexing his bicep, and though she can’t help but look at him now, she’s doing her damnedest not to smile. But Matt is nothing if not persistent.

“Or maybe here?” he asks, gesturing with his left hand to his right shoulder blade as he turns around and pulls his t-shirt over his head.

Casually, he drops the shirt to the floor, and as it falls, Jessica’s pulse begins to rise. Matt turns back around to face her and edges one last step toward her, stopping just short of arms-length apart.

He slides a finger under the waistband of his pajama pants and lowers them just far enough to expose his own left hip. “Or what about here? Then we can really match.”

Finally losing the battle against her will, Jessica scoffs at him as a tiny smirk breaks across her scowling face. “Idiot,” she says, though with decidedly less acid in her voice than a few moments ago.

“But I’m your idiot,” he says, as he moves slowly back into her space, allowing her the chance to turn away. When she doesn’t, he settles his hands around her waist and leans his forehead forward to touch hers, ever so gently.

“You’d better be,” she huffs with an exaggerated pout. But then she softens, and he watches, perplexed and absolutely elated, as she curls into him, resting her head on his right shoulder and tracing mindless patterns over the planes of his chest.

A sun-bright grin starts to break across his face, but he turns and presses a soft kiss into her hair to keep it from blinding her. This is a rare display of vulnerability from her and he doesn’t want to spook her or ruin the moment. Instead he responds in a tone with which he assumes she’ll be more comfortable.

“The infamous Jessica Jones showing some amount of affection?! What will people say if they find out?”

She pushes back far enough to give him a look, but it lacks the full threat of which she is capable. “You better not go around ruining my image, Murdock. I’ve got a reputation to uphold.”

She leans back against his chest, one hand wrapped around his neck while the other settles over his heart, beating steadily - if a little more rapidly at her close proximity.

Matt wouldn’t be able to stifle the magnitude of his smile this time, even if he tried. So he doesn’t.

“Your secret’s safe with me, Jones. All of them.” His hand returns to her hip and ever so lightly traces the outline of her tattoo as he speaks. “I promise.”

A beat passes as the tension between them swells, and Matt listens as Jessica’s heart once again begins to race. And then she’s surging forward, pressing her lips to his, and wrapping her arms around him with a resolution that makes Matt’s blood sing. But not just in a physical way.

Because the way she is reaching for him now feels different. More sure. More comfortable. Like he’s passed some kind of a test, or made it through some trial and proved his worth. Like he’s earned another clue to help him solve puzzle that is Jessica Jones. He understands that as of this moment, he has been let into her world in a way that few (if any) ever have. And he vows never to betray the trust or the gift she has given him in sharing these secret parts of herself with him.

He pulls her in like a lifeline and kisses her right back, sure hands settling at the small of her back and the base of her throat like anchor points, holding her to him. In doing so, he hopes that he has successfully communicated his promise to her. And if the look she gives him as she takes his hand and turns back to his bedroom after they part for breath - chests heaving in tandem - is any indication, he’s guessing she’s got some idea.

—

By the time they actually make it to the kitchen to start working on breakfast, it’s closer to noon than to a respectable breakfast hour, but Matt can’t honestly say he minds. In fact, he thinks that by being with Jessica, he may come to develop a new appreciation for the existence of brunch.

————-

P.S. If anyone is curious (and because I enjoy showing it off) - here’s my version of reclaiming my bodily autonomy by getting a tea saucer sized tattoo between my shoulder blades. So totally worth it.

[mental-health-advice]

👹hello, thank u for answering my last ask, it was rlly helpful and made me feel at least a little more normal, its hard to explain but rn ive been going to a gp for my anxiety and suicidal thoughts and ive received meds for my anxiety but am still afraid of doing things involving people ie. going outside, my dad says that they pay for my appointments but whats the point if its not doing anything and its been feeding into this mindset ive had bc ive been thinking that (1)

👹no matter who i talk to or what help i get im always going to feel this terrible, i often think idk that i cant find any bliss in life? like maybe i dont have dreams but i wanted happiness but i dont know how to get that and im just scared ig that i cant be fixed, people tell me that theres worth to living and that i have a purpose but i find that so hard to believe... thanks.

Hey there,

I’m so glad that I was able to help you feel a bit better! It’s great also that you’re seeing your GP for anxiety and suicidal thoughts, have the medications been helping your anxiety at all?

Sometimes GP’s can only help so much with a person who has mental health issues so could you ask to possibly see a therapist of some kind? A therapist will be able to work with you on the things that need addressing and will help you to implement stuff to help you cope a bit better with everything. It’s really good that your parents are paying for your appointments to see your GP, but maybe for the next step in your recovery, seeing a therapist may be more helpful at the moment for you?

I have lost count of the number of different therapists I have seen over the many years but one thing I found is that sometimes professionals can only help to a certain degree and so consequently it is normal to swap and change who you see from time to time. My latest therapist has helped me so much in the past 12 months I’ve been seeing her, more so than the therapist I saw before her who I had been seeing for many years. So perhaps this is something to keep in mind, that it’s more than OK to see someone different and especially if who you’re currently seeing is no longer helping  you to get better. Does that make sense?

In terms of being afraid of doing things that involve other people, is there a way that you can start small with just seeing one person and then build up from there? A change in medication or dosage may also be helpful, so I encourage you to see your prescribing doctor and see if anything can be tweaked to help make things a bit easier for you. Just an idea!

In regards to feeling as though you don’t have a purpose to live and that things will never get any better for you no matter how hard you try, have you ever heard the following quote..

“To the world you may just be one person, but to one person you may be the world!” –Dr Seuss

So never underestimate how much you may mean to one person, even though it may not always seem obvious. I can assure you that many people will be hurting and feel upset if you did give up on life. So try to keep living not only for yourself, but also for others who may look up to you and perhaps even see you as a role model!

It’s also OK to not have any dreams at the moment, maybe right now you can just focus on yourself and taking care of yourself! I know it can be hard to do things that you enjoy at times but maybe you can try to do one little thing each day? It’s also important to practice good self-care as this will also help you to improve your overall mental health and help you to feel a bit better and may even give you some extra motivation in life to keep fighting? So doing things like eating a healthy diet, doing regular exercise and getting a good night’s sleep are really important to do.

I really hope that this has helped a bit and helped to give you some ideas on where you can go from here and hopefully continue your fight for one day having a really great and amazing life! Just take each day as they come and know that you’re here for a reason, even if it doesn’t seem like it at times!

I’m thinking of you and hope you’re doing OK!

Take care,

Lauren