#hopefully this will cast it out

[thegoblinwitch]

[tw: talk about death, suicide attempts, mental health issues and general unpleasantness therein]

i've been thinking about suicide a lot lately. which sounds a lot more dramatic than it actually is, i promise. thinking about the act itself and my 'relationship' to it, rather than than actually about killing myself. my past's been haunting me much more than usual for some reason this past month and a bit, and putting thoughts to paper (so to speak) and casting it into the void that is this hellhole site seemed like the best idea.

when i say i have a relationship with suicide, i don't so much mean myself as the people around me and how it 'influenced' my life.

the defining factor, the cornerstone, the act that started it all, was the suicide of my maternal grandmother when mother was 16. and the added 'insult to injury' that she tried to convince mother to kill herself with her. i don't remember when i was informed of this, but as far back as i can remember, i've always known about it. it was thrown about regularly both as an accusation and as a justification my whole life. for those of you wondering about a parent or relatives mentioning this to very young kids, i would say that 'age appropriate' has never, ever, been a consideration and i have other examples i could give, but those are a different kettle of fish.

back on track. the death of gramma marguerite kinda set the tone for her kids and their kids, though her husband, the poophead, def had a heavy hand in it too and in additional trauma, but again, different story. mother is the youngest of 3 and was the only one still living at home at the time, and obviously having to be there and having to deal with a mother that wants to take you with her in death is it's own additional trauma on top of a parent killing themselves. that's not to say that it didn't impact her siblings.

my uncle, the eldest, i never knew him well, and i've no idea if he ever tried to kill himself at some point afterwards. from what i knew of him, he was more the type to try and convince other people to kill themselves for their own good, cult leader style (won't go into details, not the point of this post).

my aunt, i knew her better than my uncle, but not that well, we rarely lived in the same country at the same time and then she ended on the other side of the world. i've always known her sad. even when i was a small kid, she never seemed happy. i know for a fact she tried to kill herself several times after the death of her mother and it escalated to the point where she tried again, only this time she tried to emulate her mother and tried to take her son (a couple years younger than me) with her. she didn't manage it, but it resulted in her being permanently drugged up to the gills and all her legal rights removed. it never sat right with me, but that was her husbands prerogative and my thoughts on the matter (and her husband in general) aren't the point.

that leaves mother. i also know for a fact she tried several times to kill herself after her mother's death. i grew up expecting to get to visit her at the hospital, even though i personally knew of only a few before i realised the steps and my grandparents had tried more or less successfully to hide a lot of them in the guise of impromptu stays with family. i grew up to father saying he didn't push for custody because mother threatened to kill herself if he did. which, while a case of he-said-she-said, is plausible, knowing both of them, even if it makes my eyes twitch thinking about a parent not actually fighting harder if in father's place. i grew up knowing mother didn't love me enough to care about how her actions affected anyone but her. i grew up to see a disturbing pattern to her suicide attempts and her brandying about her mother's death. her mother's death was always mentioned when someone would negatively wonder about her mental health. it would always be used by her as a justification for how she was now. which, while not intrinsically wrong, comes off as a useless excuse when it's been more than 20 years and she's done nothing about it except throw it in everyones face when it suits her. the suicide attempts in themselves have always happened when either there was a conflict that she wasn't gonna win or people where looking at her in anything less than shinning innocence or didn't see her as the poor little victim that must be protected at all cost. i still remember vividly my 3rd year of secondary school, where the bullying got so bad i refused to go to school and ended up having to go to see a psychologist every week to approve my absences and the talk of child protective services not being happy with mother and all our acquaintances whispering about bad parenting and weak willed single mothers. then bam. mother tries to kill herself. and all of a sudden it's 'poor dear, having to deal with such a difficult child', 'it's not her fault, maybe the kid is just a bad seed and needs to be in an institution'. she came out smelling of roses and me as the villain of the story, again, and more surprisingly in my opinion, no more talk of cps. i heavily suspect step#2 having had a hand in that tbh.

as i got older, every time i had a notification mother was in the hospital i just got angrier at her and wanting for her to actually manage it for good so i'd be done with the back and forth. the last time it happened while i was still living with her, her friend that let me know was outraged that i wouldn't come visit her. didn't matter that i had been there and done that to no difference or that i had to awkwardly ask grocery money to my then bf's parents, or that i had to make an excuse for her missing a parent-teacher conference and hope they accepted it, it didn't matter, it never did.

then there's me. i was 16 and my morbid curiosity got the better of me. i've always been curious of the occult and the morbid, mother used to say it was because i was a scorpio. obviously death was an ever present subject and mother and her brother were always into new age-y stuff and reincarnations and part lives and near death experiences. we had priests and shamans coming to the house at all hours to perform exorcisms and purifications, etc.. my imaginary friend for years was the ghost of a napoleonic soldier named bartholomew. and my last year of high school i did my final year dissertation on death and how it's treated in different religious traditions with side notes about near death experiences and the taboo of suicide. so i was 16 and decided that i really wanted to see what it was like, to die or be near death. i didn't want to die, it was actually a pretty good period all things considered at the time, but i was ready to accept the consequence. and i always thought i'd die young, so why not see of 16 was it. so i wrote letters to those that mattered in case i died, i packed a bag for the hospital in case i didn't. i made sure the flat was tidy so mother didn't have to worry about that on top of anything else, made sure there was enough left overs to last a few days, dressed nicely so it wouldn't look too bad for mother, then raided her pharmacy box. she's a hypochondriac that had both over the counter and prescriptions pills for everything under the sun, i had ample options to choose from. i took a dozen boxes of different meds and filled a cereal bowl with them. lined the boxes near the head of the bed so that emt could see what meds i took, then proceeded to swallow every last one, no matter how hard it got, before lying down on my bed and waiting. i was ready to withstand the effects of the meds, but then out of nowhere a big push to get up and get the landline to phone for an ambulance. after that, i started to lose time. i just remember some flashes: the emt banging at the door, them trying to get me down the stairs to the ambulance, managing to give them mother's mobile number when asked, the tetanus jab due to the cuts they saw on my arm, the pain of the tube being jammed down my nose to my throat and stomach, waking up vomiting black goo with the beeping machines in the background and the blood pressure cuff pumping intermittently. when i woke up it was to very judgemental nurses and being told that apparently i'd spent the night in the icu and that cps was waiting to talk with mother and me. i was lucky, the doctors said, the cocktail i took should've killed me. in my opinion, i was lucky that i hadn't actually been suicidal at the time, because the experience at the hospital and then after with the police and the mandated psychologist, would have made me want to just try harder asap. so i got to live past my curiosity with only an aversion to swallowing pills that took me years to overcome, though i still have trouble with some of them. and i was of the opinion that 'i came, i saw, i conquered'. and my answer to questions about it was generally always a shrug and an 'it wasn't my time'. i've been lucky that i've never really been suicidal and wanted to actively kill myself. that's not to say i haven't thought about being dead, or dying or simply not existing anymore, but those are more passive suicide ideation.

it took me years to work on my views of suicide and people that try to kill themself and to see it as the last resort and cry for help it is rather than the selfish act my childish expectations saw it as. but in mother case, i can't seem to be able to apply that perspective. suicide attempts where just another weapon in mother's arsenal of manipulations. her attempts are in the (high) double digits, always with medication. statistically, what are the odds that not once would she actually take enough that it would kill her or at least send her to the icu? her lengthy stays were never because of her physical health but because she needed to spend a week or two in the psychiatric ward, since it was a suicide attempt. and though she sometimes had to have her stomach pumped, she was never as bad as i got that one time. but then she's never managed well with pain. it just all seems awfully convenient. maybe i'm just being particularly judgemental and unkind, most probably i'm biased and influenced by all the other shit she put me through, but although i reserve judgment for those attempts when she was younger, in my mind the ones from at least after my birth were all calculated 'risks' rather than genuine call for help. especially considering she never accepted help afterwards and was always at her happiest in the few months after.

i don't know why all this has been plaguing me recently. i haven't spoken to her in nearly a decade and took steps to make sure i didn't get an unexpected email like i used to. maybe because i feel like i'll never be free of her until she's finally 6 feet under, regardless of the distance. i dunno. i'm annoyed at myself even if i can't really control my thoughts. with any luck casting this in the aether will somewhat calm the deluge.

[celtrist]

I really want to see a more fucked up version of Charlie in canon. Like, okay, I am a die-hard for sweet bubbly girls in media. But I always see how some people make Charlie actually, oh I dunno... demonic? And it's so refreshing for her type of character. I could honestly see her having low empathy (and we kinda see this with how she handled Angel's situation or even Vaggie's nervousness about taking control on an activity). An exploration of that trait (if it was intended) would be interesting to see for a protagonist, especially when her main goal is about helping others. I would love to see her actually have a level of difficulty in understanding others' feelings from the other residents, sinners, and even her father.

But give her a fucked up side. Not a "she gets more power when she's angey uwu", but a "oh, she's a little fucked in the head". It would give so much to her character that she just doesn't have.

@/murmurmurena (don't wanna bother them so slash there we go) has some fun ideas with Charlie. I highly encourage people to check their stuff out! So many fun dark ideas with her character while also still keeping to her canon personality pretty well! Personally, I think Charlie being a bit more naive to her own messed up traits would work best but her also being aware of these traits can make for some interesting character for her.

THIS FIC, "A Game Between You and I". RIGHT HERE WITH THE FIRST CHAPTER. A bit of spoil for the fic here: but I love how they handled Charlie’s absolute ignorance as to why the idea of Russian roulette is horrifying to Angel Dust. It doesn't feel like her being intentionally malicious or aware that she's the odd man out here. This is also a pretty old fic going by only the pilot, but the point still stands that it was such a fun take for her character!

Charlie is one of my favorite characters in the show in part of the POTENTIAL she could have as being the most bubbly sweetheart character while also being the most messed up character in the show. I can't say I have strong confidence with the show's writing and fully expect them to stick with Charlie being the "nice girl but oh no, don't get her angry or she gets scarwy". Which isn't bad for a character mind you, there's just so much more potential to Charlie outside of that trope, especially when you get into the theories of her either being a doll, Roo's biological daughter, or what have you. And for the MAIN CHARACTER of the show, it would be not only interesting but also bring the spotlight back to her.

There's really no question that the side characters steal the show, particularly all the male characters. If I'm honest, Charlie does not feel like she gets a lot of love from the show itself when she's supposed to be the main character. She feels far more flat compared to the rest of the characters (again, the male cast in this "female-lead" show has more depth than most of the female cast currently. I wouldn't be pointing this tidbit concerning the genders of characters if it weren't for the fact Viv defended Helluva's lack of development with their female cast by saying "Hazbin is a female-lead show and Helluva is a male-lead" and Hazbin ended up with it not feeling female lead (to me) and the male cast just completely stealing the show. I don't normally care about gender stuff, especially since I do personally lean interest towards male characters. But using one show as a defense for poor development of the female characters, and then that show not really holding up with no very interesting well-developed feeling female characters irritates me. It's just very clear that these shows don't seem to care much about the female cast :/)

If you like how Charlie is written that's totally fine. PERSONALLY, I just think they're missing so much opportunity with her character by just making her the standard female character type. I honestly don't have a lot of faith they'll actually do something with Charlie's character though. She's a pretty static character in S1 being the same from start to end. Not changing or learning anything to create any development. What does the end of season Charlie do that start of season Charlie wouldn't do? Fight back? Because we see with the pilot (which is the “first episode”) that Charlie does fight people if pushed like with Katie Killjoy and even Valentino. Static characters can work in media depending on the show or their role. But Charlie is the MC of a show about “bettering one's self”. So to have her as a static with not a lot of strong dilemmas for herself (like we see with Angel Husk Al and even Vox) seems silly. Plus, considering Hazbin is telling a whole story and it's not a fun episodic thing, characters are expected to grow on some level. Or else, what was the point of their hero's journey?

[courtesanofdeath]

The Blue Wolves of Mibu

[cookiesandcantarella-art]

So I played gore x vigilant and to say I was distraught once act 3 started and terrified all through act 4 would be an understatement

[ID: digital painting modeled after pietro canonica’s the abyss. My Skyrim PC and modded follower Gore embrace each other tightly, both glaring at the camera with fierce expressions. Both are bloody and disheveled, lit by dramatic red lighting. End ID]

[thekittyokat]

Hi! Please please please, could you tell me more about your coffin chain ideas?/nf

I am obsessed but barely anybody has jumped onto the ship yet and I am VERY new to the fandom so I wanna wait with making it myself until I know more lol. You are lowkey fueling this entire operations and I wanna thank you for that either way.

(rubs my paws together) you have no idea what you've unleashed anon i've been holding onto this ask specifically bc i've been sapping dopamine from it like a little leech waiting until i had time to hastily doodle up a little dynamics timeline for different stages of the ot4

i REALLY hope this makes sense . i feel the need to say this every time i post abt coffinchain but my ideas are rly specific and i've had time for them to infect my brain like mold so i'm defo ready to accept this all being rly niche and really just for me and like 3 other people

buuut if this little peek into my mind speaks to ANY of y'all i absolutely encourage implore and beg you to send me asks and ideas and whatnot about these 4 bastards literally whenever you want!!

TL;DR one half of the trauma bonded couple reaches out and forms an immediate kinship with the big scary guy that no one likes & convinces his petty boyfriend to let him fw them. then he starts bringing his deranged fbi otter around they start double-dating only for it to become a situationship and then the worst polycule ever

[thedevillionaire]

Chosen

Much shorter than it has any right to be, given how long it's taken me to actually finish. Plot? Uh, no, not really. But anyhow... She's been away. He's been unwell.

---

He looks at her like she’s the most welcome hallucination he’s ever had.

Kia closes the door slowly behind her as she takes in this chaos of a makeshift apothecary, the loungeroom in an utter state of disarray and her beloved not faring much better, red-nosed and unshaven and dressed in a black silken pyjama and robe ensemble which, while inarguably stylish, was very definitely not his usual late afternoon wear.

And not at all what she had been expecting to come home to.

A miscellany of potions and concoctions and gods-know-what-elses lie scattered across the coffee table. A teacup, mostly empty. Two tissue boxes, one apparently even emptier than the teacup. Some sort of book...no, manual. Looks instructional. A wilderness of failed curatives.

Oh my god.

She walks further into the room. The air smells of menthol and embers.

“Babe, what are… Are you… What have you even been doing h…?”

You absolute beautiful total disaster.

“Trying not to… hh-HH …let thi…this-damn-cold…” Cerberus turns from her as his sentence dissolves, the syllables collapsing against one another in a desperate rush to give way to greater need and deep breath of purpose, and he raises a finger in urgent, undeniable pause. "Huh-TSSCH-uu!" Hurriedly claiming a series of tissues in a brief, expectant hiatus, he surrenders completely and sneezes again. "Hh-AATSCHH-uu! *snff-FF!*" A quiet groan in the aftermath. He excuses himself, adds another tissue to the set, blows his nose and immolates the lot. "Pardon me." He sighs. "Trying not to let this godsdamned cold win,” he manages, with an accompanying sharp sniffle. Neither heavy congestion nor the way his voice cracks slightly lessens any of the seething distaste in his tone.

“Oh, honey.” Kia brushes some errant hair back from his face. :Bless you.: She touches a tender kiss to his temple. “You’re getting your ass kicked.”

She offers him a soft smile to hopefully lessen a little bit of truth's sting. "C'mon, shift over," she says gently as she joins her beloved on the couch, nestling up beside him, resolutely ignoring every caution he tries to give her advising against doing so. Notably half-hearted as those cautions are.

Because while it’s true that he very much doesn’t want her to catch this, he’s also well aware it’s more than likely already too late for such concerns. The entire house is probably some sort of incubation epicentre. And, sincerity of expressed warnings aside, the entire sorry vista surely constitutes warning enough. He's fairly certain he couldn't look more biohazardous if he tried.

Cerberus sighs again, sniffling again immediately afterwards, and gives his bonded a look of resignation.

Further elaboration hardly seems necessary.

But also he doesn’t press the issue because in truth the last thing he wants is to send her away. He’s not even sure he has the energy to insist on it, anyway; he’d be infuriated about this entire ridiculous circumstance if he wasn’t so damn exhausted. So, small obligatory protests done, with another damp sniffle Cerberus shifts some disarrayed blanketry out of the way and wraps an arm around Kia’s waist, drawing her close.

Her soft perfume of violet, strawberry and vanilla is lost on him anywhere outside of memory right now, but her presence is more than enough and he closes his eyes for a moment, just appreciating the simple fact of her being here beside him at last; he's missed her immensely, constantly.

“You know, you could’ve just asked me to come back, if you wanted me here,” Kia muses as she nestles further into his heat, adding, “It wouldn't have been a big deal,” without accusation. She leans her head against his shoulder and looks up at him with gentle azure gaze, her unspoken thoughts of I’d always choose you. How do you still not know that? readable despite her not voicing them.

And he does, of course, know that – in fact, it’s the very reason he wouldn’t ask. Cerberus sniffles thickly, wiping his nose. “Ah, love. I'd hardly ask you to put yourself anywhere near this—" He gestures around the room in a general presentation of contempt for the whole situation. "—vortex of infectious absurdity,” he concludes, thick congestion lacing his words. He clears his throat but it doesn’t make any notable impact against the wreckery his voice has become. "And it's about your... *SNFF!* ...your autodoby."

Kia peers at him. “My…what?”

“Your au…” Cerberus, all too aware that several critical consonants are unequivocally not working for him, rolls his eyes at himself. Honestly. Taking another fresh succession of tissues from a very rapidly depleting supply, he blows his nose forcefully but completely ineffectively.

He excuses himself once more and tries again; it goes equally badly.

Kia, baffled, raises her hands in a friendly but very clear nope sorry babe no idea expression, accompanied by a gentle little laugh that she just can’t help.

A long-suffering and immensely frustrated look comes her way, followed by a resigned, defeated sigh as her beloved entirely gives up. “Free will.”

For a moment, this makes even less sense to Kia. “Why would…” she begins, but cuts herself off in triumphant realisation. “Oh, autonomy!” She laughs. "Oh, sweetheart."

“That’s what I s… hh-hh! I...” And even this is hijacked, and the Demon king capitulates entirely, doubling over desperate into crooked elbow, “Huh-TSCHH-uu! Ah-HEHTSCHuu!” 

He takes some moments of bleary recovery, Kia's heartrate spiking alongside the :Gods, forgive me: Cerberus Mindsends her.

"Oh, bless you, babe." Kia doesn't try to fight the thrill that flashes through her and she wraps herself around her bonded to kiss him again; a kiss deeper, more needful, than is probably wise. But wisdom isn't what she's craving right now.

“You know what? You’re going to stop talking and let me make my own choices.” She brushes a stray lock of hair from his eyes, touches the softest of lingering kisses to his forehead and meets his gaze. :Talking really isn't working out for you anyway.: "And besides—" Another kiss, deeper again, and she presses her arousal against his, salacious, wanton.

:—you know we both want the same thing.:

---

[passionartx]

A few days ago I got cast as Dorothy in my local theatre company’s production of The Wizard Of Oz and I just know this means I’m gonna be hyperfixating on @whotfletamothhyperfx’s @sonicwizardofozau 10 times harder! So I decided to draw their AU Tails design + T-Pup

!Defo check their au out if you haven’t already cause ahhh it’s so, so good! The world building, the character designs, the art, the everything!✨!

[sharkneto]

Me, for the past week: Man, I am sick of fixating on [insert minor anxiety], blowing it up into a constant worry that I have repeatedly had to talk myself down from. What the fuck is up with that

November 5th:

[14dayswithyou]

💖 14DWY OFFICIAL PLAYLISTS! 💖

aka songs that make me think of these characters ^^ Ironically, it has nothing to do with the recent poll lol /srs

Ren | [REDACTED] Leon Violet Teo

BONUS! For the crackpot theorists & those who like overanalysing lyrics: here's a mystery playlist with 14 very specific songs: 9 songs based on the cast, 4 songs based on the game endings, and 1 bonus song based on Ren's introspection ^^ First person to correctly guess which song belongs to each character and ending can get a free art commission of their choice!!

[rawpastamoth]

Some cleaned up doodles and some less cleaned up doodles for a Pokémon AU thing (different from my other Homestar Pokémon AU)

I promise these choices all have reasons behind them I'm just too tired to type them out. Sorry for inaccurate sizes

[lexi-howards]

just saw a post here calling madison a bully and saying that she gets away with stuff bc of her body…this is how ik this fandom is misogynistic as FUCK and now i’m so happy that bum left the show the way he did

[akkivee]

ICHIBAN ICHIRO ICHIGO ICHIE

[thenotoriousscuttlecliff]

So confirmed now that Thom will be back next season. Interested to see how he'll be reintroduced (will he just randomly show up in Falme?) and which storyline he will be in. While the main characters are all, more or less, following the same path as their book counterparts, the secondary characters are getting shuffled around a bit. Loial basically got Min's role in Falme while Min took Thom's place as Mat's travelling companion. You could feasibly fit Thom into any of the book four storylines, he isn't really all that essential to Elayne and Nynaeve's. To be perfectly blunt, Thom isn't really essential to any storyline, he's pretty much just guy who tags along offering advice.

[pharawee]

Bake Me Please (which for some reason does not have a mdl page yet) starring Ohm Thitiwat, Guide Kantapon (IFYLITA), Prame Nopanut (Love Puzzle), Atom Nathaphop (7 Days Before Valentine) and Poom Phuripan will release 19 November on gagaoolala. Apparently it's going to be a miniseries about (lmao) people who love baking but the teaser is literally just about them looking pretty in black and white so we'll see.

[lesbianmaxevans]

Ramona Sanchez || 3.02 For My Son

[timetravellingkitty]

I could elaborate on said negative feelings but that would require not having a runny nose