#hopefully i’ll get out early
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going crazy!!
#i wish i could watch it now but i have class :((#hopefully i’ll get out early#dan and phil#dan and phil games
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got a tablet recently so now i can draw on the go >:-)
#rare instance where i draw dhes instead of kel…#(i did actually draw kel first but i didn’t really like it so…)#officially the tablet is for school but….#the added bonus is i can use it for drawing too so#yay :-)#still not entirely sure how to use procreate yet but i am figuring it out#i’m very much used to krita#mostly i’ve just been trying to find brushes i like#n e way. school is going ok.#the work load is not as bad & overwhelming as i was expecting tbh#the worst part is honestly having to go back & forth to campus everyday#i am not a guy who leaves his house much#this is very different for me#& the waking up early thing…. i get tired at like 9 pm now. ridiculous.#but yea! hopefully i’ll get to work on some edits soon. we’ll see#rainyrambles#artwip#kinda
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happy monday and good morning friendz ! ! it’s the start of a new week, so let’s make it a good one ! i hope you all have a great day <3
#this is me today i fear#running on a few hours sleep and a dream 🙂↕️#but it’s okay bc my boss is leaving early today which means i’ll be able to chill ( & hopefully write )#just need to get to 1 pm >_< !#might cave & redownload love & deep space bc … sylus………#but also my head is so full of my other blorbos idk if he has room yk 😓#kenji barely holding on in here from the way the others keep running around in my mind#poor fella#sigh#oh well#i hope you all have a great monday !!!#sending out so much love <3#₊˚⊹ ᰔ xoxo aims#ヾ( ˃ᴗ˂ )◞ — ✩ daily yap.
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Just had a wild dream. I was at RTX and went to the DnDads event, but it wasn’t a live show, they showed a whole Dungeons and Daddies animated movie. I just watched Across the Spiderverse last night, which has bled into my brain forever, so it had all that good trippy dimension stuff and the teens were superheroes (sorta. Normal slipped into a dimension where they were superheroes and was trying to fix it but doing a bad job) and of course it had the gorgeous animation style of Spiderverse. Anyways. All this to say, I might need to make a superhero AU now
#dndads#dungeons and daddies#noodly#it was such a cool movie in my dream#I wasn’t even mad about not getting to see the guys#I need to draw the manga pages then hopefully I can indulge in this tomorrow#I’m gonna need to pick out superpowers for the teens#I’m sure I’ll manage with costumes#I was a comics fan a few years ago#sometimes I see some of your avatars and usernames and I worry you know me from my past life#it’s early and I’m excited about this so I’m rambling#but you’ll see more from me on this!#mark my words!#oh#I will be at the real RTX too tho#in case anyone wants to be my best friend for a weekend and do the escape room with me#I’m a solid mid-tier at escape rooms
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woke up at 4am feeling the weight of my life crushing me, so I’ve been sitting out in my car for the last couple of hours because I just need. to. be. somewhere else.
#tumblr ate something like this but I think I deserve to shout uselessly into the void#shits rough dawg#I know it’s rough for everyone. I feel shitty even talking about myself. still… compelled to vent… big butts#haven’t really been on here much since it hasn’t really scratched that itch lately & just makes me feel lonelier#it’s cold#saw the Jazzercise studio open across the street. 5am for Jazzercise? wow. early.#and then everyone left an hour and a half later. lights out. everybody gone. weird schedule. I am perplexed.#went down the road and got a soda and I’ve been sitting in my driveway contemplating for the last 2.5 hours#guy at the gas station tried to talk to me but I just half assed a smile and nod and left#even though I know I’d love to just… talk to someone. I suppose it has to be ‘on my terms’ whatever those are#I miss having a therapist. or even just when my little brothers would talk to me. when anyone would. blegh#my insurance is still a mess and I’m about to run out of one of my blood pressure meds this week#maybe I’ll have a stroke. scary to think about. I think about dying a lot but that potential feels too real. just… pop! and I’m done.#I’ll try today to finally push to straighten it out but everything feels daunting#woke up with so much anxiety. about my health. my hearing. no money. my life. had to get out of the house even if it’s just right outside#hate to say it but I need(want) thc. haven’t wanted to spend money on it but I could have really used it this morning#can’t be sad if you can’t feel anything (jokingly but also not. whichever is less sad sounding)#actually treated myself to Dune 2 last week and it was so so good. wish I could go again. but it’s drugs food or movie right now. so…#I know. dumb priority but BIG SCREEN. maybe it’ll hit theaters again for the next awards season hopefully. just a real nice loud experience#anyway… I should go inside. almost 7am. need to take my brothers to school then drive my mom to her daily appointments#I’ve felt so hollow and angry and sad for so long it feels like. I feels so weak and sad and I’m tired of it. I’m so tired.#I’ve been eating about 1 meal a day and sleeping a lot. this is the worst my body has ever been. I feel like I’m just waiting to die.#is this relatable?#just have to look past it. it is nothing. this body is nothing. just enjoy your soda.#gonna look at pictures of butts now#ok gotta go I love you goodbye forever#you can ignore this#text
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Applied for accommodation for my uni
#I’ve been waiting for a while#but they said late may and early June#and they sent it out last night whilst I was working#so I’ve now had a good luck at the different options#it is quite pricy but that is a given with the area#luckily it’s not a first come first basis#I have a deadline to send the form by 12th of June#then I’ll find out sometime late june to early july#so hopefully I can get my first or second choice 🙏🏾#gatherrambles#thegapyeardiaries
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#i woke up early today#and i feel like that tiny flower all alone next to that tree#uni starts in a little over a month for me and#im not ready ugh#it’s so crazy to me how i’ll be in second year already��it’s sort of comforting#like i made it to this point which clearly shows time will pass but it also means im getting older and growing up and i do not like that!!!!#anyways.#my walk this morning was really lovely as always. the sun was out !! >< very happy abt that since it’s been cloudy for a longggg time#and i just had a yummy breakfast :P and now im watching my best friends wedding <3#i got a new diary yesterday so im gonna start that a little later and HOPEFULLY (praying so hard) my bnd album comes in the mail today#the end of summer is always so bittersweet#♡ dear diary…
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Helllloooo I’m off work
I crieddd todayyy and was just really sad and stressed out very weird day, also my head hurts
Here is a picture of my doggg because she has never worked a day in her life but acts like it
#I’m not even working five days a week btw#but working w kids is very hard they aren’t mean but there’s always something going on#the day started off rough and ended sorta sad but my mom is being understanding and comforting me#I’m getting pizza now so I’ll hopefully feel better#I don’t really get time to eat at work#anyway im sorry for complaining service was awful there and I couldn’t post earlier#I accidentally showed up an hour early#and sat in 90 degree heat til 1#anyway lover youu guysssss im gonna pass out til I get home bye
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i think the real solution to getting me to be motivated about stuff is to romanticise the hell out of my life
so instead of staying at home tomorrow in sweats and never looking in the mirror, i’ll go to a café and pretend i’m meeting al-haitham for a study date, maybe then i’ll actually do something
idc if people think i’m delusional, a) they don’t know and b) if it gets me to study then it fucking works
#chatter spell#being in a public space will also peer pressure me into working hopefully#+ posting about it now is a means of holding myself accountable i hope#so everyone please force me to go to sleep early today#i need it#i’m also bribing myself with getting to buy a new book when i’m productive#and maaayyybe i’ll even put in a third coffee even if it goes against my new year’s resolutions#so we’re pulling out all the stops
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love being an older sister sometimes bc like i get to be like omg i am going to fill your lives with so much joy and great memories
#i feel like i’m already on the path to this since i bagged the sisters trip to the eras tour in nj#and now…#i’m planning more hehehe#so basically i want to lead a huge euro trip for me and my little sisters#rn they are 13 and 14 and i’ve told them listen. if you save up your money to cover flights and most of your food i will take you guys on a#big euro trip when y’all are 18 and 19#and i’m in the midst of getting an over all plan ready for this#like yes it is like 5 years away but it’s never too early to start planning especially bc saving up money takes time#and hopefully in 5 years i’ll be done with grad school so this will be a perf way to celebrate that and welcome my sisters into adulthood#rn i’m trying to plan out all of our destinations#i know for a fact i would like to see ireland and scotland#def want to go back to italy too#ooo and i really want to go to amsterdam and copenhagen#i would like to go to sweden as well but idk if i’d be able to fit that in for this trip#maybe spain would be good too?#maybe spend like 2 days in london#i don’t care much for england but if we’re close by might as well check it out#but i’m so excited for this!!#i’m buzzing with excitement#i will def be going back to europe before this lol#like ik i’m visiting italy again soon#and might travel around the uk a bit while i’m there#but this big trip is gonna be something else and it’s gonna be great!!#i just love being a big sister bc i can make shit like this happen#like i wish i had someone pushing me to travel when i was younger#and now i will be able to take them on a big trip just us girlies and it’s gonna be amazing
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c (dawg) o m i n g s o o n
#it’s almost 4 in the am lemme have this joke panel p ls—#the actual chapter’s scheduled for a few hours later though… no clue why i scheduled it instead of just posting it but ✨it is what it is✨#i have no clue if i even have a target audience for the idol sengen tls nowadays lol. slow updates amirite~~~~#b ut even if i did have a target audience… it’ll be y’all on this hellsite and n o t those who read it on m a n g a d e x dangit—#anyways!!! i finally figured out how to outline text while typesetting so it (hopefully) looks easier on the eyes!!!#g o d i felt like such an idiot when the text outlining tutorial finally clicked for me#that’s 15 mins of experimentation (+almost a year’s worth of tling and failed typesetting rip) i’ll never get back#i’m prolly not gonna re-typeset my old chapters though.. i have a day job mans i don’t have the time for this (sads)#m a n i’m beat. time to turn in for the night and p r a y that i don’t get woken up early by the doorbell again—#no clue when the next chapter will be up btw i wanna emblem the fires or something—#it is suiyoubi my dudes
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Chronic pain really got me going to bed before it’s even dark out (also my little pink unicorn lights Millie got me look so cool in the second pic)
#my back and shoulder are killing me and I’ve done nothing but smoke weed and stretch and I just hurt so bad#so I’m gonna go to bed and hopefully feel better tomorrow#I work at nine again tomorrow so if anything hopefully going to bed early helps that#I’m excited to sleep hopefully a lot and hopefully really well bc 1) weed. 2) took sleepy cough meds to try and mooch extra pain reliever#out of meds in my cabinet. 3) took a back and muscle pain Aleve (even tho I hate taking pills and it took me like three whole min to get it#down my fucking throat. 4) tired from actually using my brain and anxiety from work tired#5) period tired and chronic pain tired#like guys my brain and my body are both exhausted and the idea of getting up tomorrow and doing any of it again makes me miserable and I did#nothing but sit at a computer for three and a half hours that’s itttttt#like doing two week road-trip then non stop either emotional or physical shit every day until my first day at work#like I’m already setting myself up for this to be the summer of the grind#gonna make a bunch of money (and spend too much and blame it on the summer time and needing a little treat every time I venture out into the#heat or work a day or do anything at all) and then save a bunch all fall winter spring and once it gets colder and I feel like I can handle#my job more I want to focus on how to make moving out happen. like I need to figure out if maybe there’s somewhere I want to live that has#an Office Depot I could transfer to cause office depots are everywhere and maybe that’s an added way for me to figure out where I want to#move#hmmm okay I’m gonna lay in bed on google maps looking at Office Depot locations in New England and I’m just gonna daydream and try to fall#asleep and I’ll look at / add to my Pinterest board of house and apartment inspo#going to think about the future because I want to live !!!!#anyways yeah this is the summer of being miserable and spending all my money on bullshit and daydreaming and disappointing my mother#and also the summer of my weed tolerance doubling forever until I’m back to smoking constantly to the point where I’m making myself sick and#then I’ll get sick of smoking weed for a bit and that’ll lead me into saving money again#or force me into a tolerance break where I stop buying weed#either way I’m going to smoke all summer it’s gonna be weed and sweat and fresh fruit and laying in my room during all of my days off and it#it’s gonna suck and I’m gonna be thinking about my dad the whole time and it’ll be depressing and isolating and lonely and I’ll come out of#the summer recentered and motivated towards big goals again like I always am#and then I’ll crash and burn next spring as always. cycles continue forever thank u seasonal depression.#I want to grow up and mature in the ways I deal with myself my health and advocating for my mental health I feel like I need to grow up a#bit so I hope I do that and it feels good. I hope I make friends and I can daydream about the future every night and my room will smell like#weed and incense and sweat and love and tears and it will be incredible
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#I’m travel prepping atm#going to a Louis concert with my sister and friends on Tuesday#(haven’t seen my sister since early May I think?)#going to visit a close friend I haven’t seen in a year and a half the day after#traveling to my sister’s place the day after#then going on my 3 day writing retreat the day after that#and once that’s over I’m going up to see my family and stay with them for a week cause my grandpa is turning 70#and the whole family is expected to show up 💀#won’t be home for over two weeks#back home by mid-September and hopefully I’ll have a new work contract by then#we’ll see#but yeah busy busy busy times ahead#but I’ll be dropping some writing inbetween#I always write best when I’m traveling and getting out of my apartment#life update#m travels
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✹ — i just dropped off my dogs to board for the first time and i am crying. dog mom life, amirite.
#nσt α drαgσn ; вut cєrtαínlч α sαlαmαndєr ( ooc )#mobile post.#|| not me bawling my eyes out in some parking lot#bc I don’t wanna be separated from my baby#anyway I’m gonna go get coffee#and then go run errands#I’ll get to write hopefully tonight#bc I leave early early early tomorrow to go into the city for an event#ooooof
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Fuck it, I’m assembling my purple tree.
#I kept talking myself out of it because 1) the sads & 2) I’m trying to start packing up the apartment to hopefully move soon#-& I didn’t want to add to the workload I’ll have next month in getting everything boxed up#but not having any holiday decor out was making me even more down sooo … I guess a little extra work in January disassembling it is worth it#Usually I put it together in early October & just swap the Halloween ornaments out for winter-y ones around thanksgiving#But it’ll just have to be nakey this year. It’s prelit so it’s pretty as is.#Next year I’ll just have to go bigger to make up for this year being such a holiday downer
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I’m back to my old dose of meds again today and oh my god everything feels so much better. I can Think for the first time in 8 months instead of having a single thought and then static for 5 straight minutes afterwards until I forget what I’m doing it feels amazing. Big fuckin shout out to my psych for actually doing her job compared to my old one
#personal#chronic health tag#she’s also re-referred me to the autism assessment people after my last psych lied to me about sending the referral along with a note saying#that she’s VERY CERTAIN that I’m autistic and for the assessor to actually read my notes this time#fingers crossed I’ll hear from them soon and also finally get my PT and cardiology referrals through too#I need to get all my medical shit sorted out and it feels like the ball is moving again#hopefully this also means I can get back to drawing like I was back in early 2023 before my mental health spiralled big time#I miss drawing my blorbos from my music :(
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