#honey badger dont give no fucks

[grapejuiceproductions]

Best thing about Thanksgiving is that no one is gonna judge you for eating an entire thing of mashed potatoes on your own.

[kraken17]

Enid: Okay, I finally have a cute pet name for you.

Wednesday: Good grief.

Enid: I'm going to call you…. Honey.

Wednesday: Absolutely not.

Enid: As in Honey Badger. Because you're small, you dress in black and white and you don't give a fuck.

Wednesday: …acceptable.

[west-tokyo-incidents]

So badgers are related to weasels and badgers are some wicked mother fuckers.

Rage's name is literally Raiju, which is also the name of a weasel beast that rides lightning.

I therefore propose to myself a drawing of Rage as a really fucking pissed off honey badger.

[h4m1lt0ns]

HEARTBREAK SYNDROME.

episode one :: SELFISH.

꒰꒰◌‧₊ ⬪˙⋆ pairing ︴max verstappen x singer!y/n

꒰꒰◌‧₊ ⬪˙⋆ genre ︴social media au / irl snippets

꒰꒰◌‧₊ ⬪˙⋆ summary ﹔five years worth of love thrown away in the trash, all at y/n’s expense.

fc – wonyoung jang (aged up to 28)

꒰꒰◌‧₊ ⬪˙⋆ warnings ﹕cheating, angst.

[may, 15 2023]

y/n

♡ liked by redbullracing, danielricciardo and 4,294,103 others.

y/n here’s to five years of u being fuckin annoying. i love you maximilian.

839,193 comments.

maxverstappen1 i love you so so much more

maxverstappen1 wait that’s not my name

→ username LMFAOOOO 😭

→ username PLSSSSS

username this is so cute i will cry

username very normal abt this. very.

username five years is long enough y/n you can come back home now 😍

username how much is her paying her bc HOW

redbullracing our favourite couple 😍💙

username i dont know man i still don’t like him

username parents 🗣

username mama y papa ong

username not my wife posting her man like

username they’re so goals 😩🤌🏻

username i want what u cunts have

username god me when 🧎🏽‍♀️

username a gf like y/n pretty pls 🙏🏻

username i want u so bad y/n it’s not even funny anymore

username praying to whatever fucking god max prayed to

username how did max bag you we’ll never know

username leave him for me bae i can drive and be dutch too 🤞🏽🤞🏽

username GIVE US Y/N BACK MAX 🔫

username y/n come over pls. and don’t bring him.

username five years later and i still don’t think he’s good enough for her

load more comments…

☆ IMESSAGE with ; honey badger

honey badger: where are you

y/n: ???

y/n: in the studio rn, do u need anything?

honey badger: huh

honey badger: wait are you not coming?

honey badger: i thought we were doing

karaoke together ���️

y/n: bro what are u talking about

y/n: come where? i already have plans tonight

honey badger: i’m ??

honey badger: hold on

y/n: …danny? 😀

honey badger: bro why aren’t you here

y/n: BROS NOT MAKING SENSE 🔥 🔥 🔥

honey badger: bae we’re all at the usual club

rn and i was wondering why you’re not here 😃

y/n:…

y/n: now who the fuck is we.

honey badger: 😭😭😭😭

honey badger: bro how do u not know

honey badger: didn’t max tell you? we’re supposed

to go out

honey badger: y/n?

y/n: wait

y/n: oh this motherfucker

honey badger: wait what

y/n: is max with you

honey badger: bestie i’m scared what’s going on

yn: we’ve been fighting recently

y/n: him and i are supposed to go out

for our anniversary and to talk things out

why the fuck is he at a fucking club

y/n: and he didn’t even fucking tell me

y/n: this the second year in a row what

the fuck is his fucking problem

honey badger: wOAHHHHHH

honey badger: HOLD ONNNN

honey badger: CALL ME RNNN

☆ IMESSAGE with ; funeral guest list.

honey badger removed maximilian!

honey badger: y/n pick up the phone

honey badger: come on please

chal eclair: y/n please answer the call

my baby lando: y/n please

alabono: i’m sorry we couldn’t stop him

chal eclair: ^^^

chili!: y/n come on now

chili!: y/n please answer the call amor

princess george: y/n we know it’s hard but we need to know if you’re okay

PIERRE GASLYYYY: we’re all worried y/n

PIERRE GASLYYYY: GUYS SHE ANSWERED KIKA’S CALL

chal eclair: i see how it is y/n 😐

my baby lando: mom do u not love me anymore

chili!: woooooowwwwww okay y/n

honey badger: all of you shut the fuck up

honey badger: pierre what’s kika saying

alabono: lily and carmen are on their way to you y/n

PIERRE GASLYYYY: she’s crying

PIERRE GASLYYYY: while cussing out max

PIERRE GASLYYYY: but crying hard

chili!: so y/n of her

my baby lando: real

yukino: i will run him over for you 💕

chal eclair: okay relax

chili!: true

my baby lando: yes but not now

honey badger: y/n say something

alabono: lily and carmen are with her now

alabono: she’s not okay guys 😕

yukino: what are they saying

alabono: she’s crying really hard and isn’t breathing well

my baby lando: WHAT ELSE

chal eclair: IS SHE SAFE

honey badger: DOES SHE NEED ANYTHING

chili!: alex i swear to god 😃

alabono: she’s safe and doesn’t need anything rn. lily and carmen are gonna sleep over w her, they won’t leave her alone

princess george: oh okay thank god

my baby lando: i blocked max but someone tell him it’s on fucking sight when i see him

chal eclair: i second that

yukino: count me in

PIERRE GASLYYYY: kika said we’re setting his house on fire

alabono: bringing the gas

[justanotherdrfan]

WELCOME ALL DANNY FANGIRLS TO YOUR INSTALMENT OF DANIEL RICCIARDO’S DTS BREAKDOWN! 🍯🦡

I’m leaving this one open since you all skipped straight to this episode! (I waited and I don’t know how)😂

S6E9 (Three’s a Crowd)

GIF by @arturleclerc

DANNNNNNNNYYY BOYYY 😍😍😍😍😍😍

He’s already laughing (god I love him)

‘Alright, what’s up?, Daniel Ricardo, this is season six drive to survive, and yes I’m back’ (fangirling HARD)

WAIT HE WAS IN SYDNEY, HE WAS IN FUCKING SYDNEY (why did no one tell me I would have called sick at work)

Daniel and Blake I really wish you went ahead with that podcast because you two are poetic chaos together

Cue another Daniel montage (they have his whole discography on file don’t they?)

He looks so fucking tried though

Logan and Alex talking about DTS frothing at the mouth about Daniel returning is the most factually, correct thing I’ve ever heard 😂

Logan: ‘All I know is the most excited people when Danny Ricciardo came back was Netflix.’

Alex: ‘I literally think they had to change their pants three times. I know the episode already. Let…let me run it through. Ready? Here we have Danny Ricciardo watching on the sidelines. “Yeah, it hurts to not be racing.” Then all of a sudden, pans to Nyck de Vries. Lock up. [imitates brakes screeching]. Off the track. Crash. Oh shit! Boom. Fast-forward. Silverstone. Test. Daniel Ricciardo. Super quick. [laughs] Danny looking at it like…big smile on his face. “It is what it is. You know?” [man]“I never left” “I never left. I’m back,baby. Honey Badger. Don’t give a shit.” (Hire him now DTS because he nailed that)

Fuck why they got to follow that shit with Zandvoort though

Daniel whoring about in his Enchante tattoo thigh high shorts

“Feels right. Feels good” (It sure does Danny is sure does)

EVERYONE LOVES DANIEL

And they get him straight to a photoshoot to whore him out

THEY DID NOT USE HIM WINKING IN THE INTRO (da fuck you lot doing? Give the people what they want)

Yes Christian 2025 prospect (he’s a shoe in ahh? See what I did there) 😉👟🍾

FUCK YOU MICAHEL ITALIANO (why is he getting air time) I’m glad he’s left F1

OHH NO OHH NO OHH NO NO NO NO NO NO

IM CRYING AGAIN. I CRIED WHEN IT HAPPENED AND IM CRYING AGAIN

Ohh they have his X-ray

Clairey bear

Cue Liam Lawson (I do love you but I missed Danny terribly)

The others telling Liam to be prepared (this is very welcome to our toxic work environment)

‘She doesn’t even go here’ (a Danica story)

Liam out qualifies all the red bull drivers (yes kiddo)

DANNY BACKS (SCREWS AND ALL) for engineering purposes only

Umm why are you hurting him? DONT TOUCH HIM! (Look yes I know it’s physiotherapy and he needs it. But I’ve broken my hand before the left one as well and driving a normal road car caused me to cry in pain so when I say don’t touch him I mean it)

I SWEAR TO GOD ZAK YOU STAY THEY HELL AWAY FROM HIM

Checo clips Yuki and he’s out (he probably thought it was Daniel trying to take his seat. It’s his in 2025 mate there’s no fighting it)

Ohh look Alpine with reliability issues (things you continue to see)

Yes DTS let’s show Russel’s crash from another angle 😂

POINTS FOR LIAM 🎉🥳

Are we positive he was in Sydney and not Perth?

Yes king SWEAT SWEAT SWEAT

Yuki GP time

Not Suzuka having Daniel, Yuki and Liam on all the banners

Poor Yuki being overwhelmed by the fans. I understand fans being excited but he’s cornered in the car and clearly doesn’t feel safe (and for Michael to be like it’s ok the fans are happy is actually the problem at hand. His and all the drivers safety has to come first and he point blank didn’t feel safe you arsehole Michael so it’s not okay)

Yuki honey it’s okay Liam not going to hit you

If we can’t have an Aussie a Kiwi will do

Liam finding out Daniel’s and Yuki are getting announced for 2024 🥺

Liam mate I’m sorry you deserve better

Mexi-coooooo

HES BACK BACK

Yes yes your P10 in the constructors (just you wait, just you fucking wait)

Checo out before turn 1 (its AUSGP all over again)

Ohh look another McLaren/Alpha Tauri incident 😤

No McLaren the plan is not to attack Daniel (haven’t you fucking done enough?)

P7 BABBYYYYYY

ENCHANTE, MON AMI

See your P8 now (told you to wait and see)

Yes Christian, Daniel did drive a good race (remember that and who didn’t)

Look at him and his little moustache

Will: ‘ I think this is only part one of a far wider story.’ (Yes 2024 season will be epic for Danny Ric)

[holepic98]

honey badger dont give a fuck ❕❕❕💯💯👆🏻‼️👆🏻

[elvisqueso]

My other niece, however, is the Bringer of Destruction and apparantly a cat: she couldn't decide whether she wanted to be inside or outside for most of the afternoon.

[funnywtfpicsandvids]

HONEY BADGER DON'T GIVE A FUCK!

[skyheartdemon]

🦡 Honeybadger don't give a f*** 🎩

[danthropologie]

That’s the thing about Daniel right? Just because he is always smiling and being nice people dont think he has that streak of ruthlessness (meanness? Machiavellian?I don’t know what to call it) but you have to have it to be able to survive the red bull program and get the grudging respect of even helmut marko.

You also have to consider he navigated the whole internal politics of the red bull complex on his own. Like max had jos as a driving force to get that red bull seat, Carlos jr had Carlos sr and Lando has papa’s check book. Like he’s one of the few drivers in the sport who didn’t have a mentor or any connections to the people in it when he was trying to make it.

And that cuntiness you say he has, I don’t think it’s something he naturally had. There’s this anecdote he always likes to talk about - his dad being angry at him for not being willing to attack during one of his karting races because he was scared to and this is such a contrast to the stories you hear about the other drivers. He had to go and find that side of him and i think that in itself is more dangerous because it’s a side he keeps carefully hidden, it’s a side of him that he constantly has to feed and grow. Yeah it might have taken a hit during the McLaren stint but this is why I think if a rejuvenated Daniel gets the chance to come back in 2024 in a car he’s mildly comfortable in, he’ll be an unstoppable force

oh my god you're SO right?? it's interesting cause i think that need to continually hone his own ruthlessness is even something he's alluded to with his choice of the honey badger personal mascot and the way he always talks about it being this cute, non-threatening thing, but then it'll also go fucking nuts and attack animals way bigger than itself when it needs to. being able to keep that side of himself in check and maintain relationships with so many competitors in the paddock is SUCH a testament to who he is as a person, i think.

and i totallyyyyy agree that a refreshed and rejuvenated and ready-to-prove-himself daniel could be absolutely fucking massive when (not if, when) he comes back. when you look at his career, some of his biggest performances have come from those sorts of moments- his 2014 season, his first with red bull, up against 4-time reigning world champion seb as a teammate, SO much want and need and drive to prove himself and he ended up beating seb, getting third in the championship, and had merc not been SO dominant, there might have even been a shot at a championship. or his 2020 season, coming off the back of covid lockdowns and months at home to rest and disconnect, but also signing with a new team during the break and really feeling the need to prove to renault that he's still in it 100% with them, and we know exactly how that turned out! consistently great drives, multiple podiums, fifth in the wdc, and one of the best seasons of his career.

so now going into this time where he's intentionally taking a step back to give himself the time and space and distance he needs while also simultaneously (possibly) re-entering an environment that, yes, is cutthroat and ruthless if you're not delivering results, but at the same time also stokes the fire inside you and pushes you to be the best version of yourself possible? it feels like exactly the sort of duality he needs right now in order to come back with a vengeance sooner rather than later

[actualbird]

the song I Won't Say (I'm In Love) but it's a vyn/artem animatic but i cant make animatics so i just rewrote the song with added scene directions

note 1: song rewritten not to imply that vyn has had many shitty past relationships, but that he just cannot believe that of all people to be in love with, it's ARTEM

note 2: i made this while sick, dont question it too much

-

[VYN is in his garden, looking upon his plants with a solemn yet frustrated expression]

VYN: If there's a prize for rotten judgement, I’d rather not like to win that Artem’s not worth the aggravation That’s idiotic, my heart won’t buy that

[From the bushes, MC, LUKE, and MARIUS reveal themselves, ready to support/badger VYN about his feelings realization]

MC, LUKE, and MARIUS: Who d'you think you're kidding He's the earth and heaven to you Try to keep it hidden, Honey we can see right through you Girl you can't conceal it We know how you're feeling Who you thinking of

[VYN, alarmed, grabs a spade and starts gesturing with it threateningly, though only at MARIUS]

VYN: No chance no way I won't say it, no no!

[MARIUS, very alarmed and offended that he’s the only one being targeted, starts running while MC and LUKE continue the vocals backing]

MC and LUKE: (You swoon you sigh why deny it oh oh)

VYN: It's too cliche I won't say I'm in love!

[VYN momentarily abandons his mission of hunting MARIUS for sport, more focused on huffily continuing his verse so the scene won’t stall]

VYN: He’s cold yet caring; a contradiction But if it’s love, then I have doubts My head is screaming "Get a grip, girl Unless you're dying to cry your heart out.”

[MC, LUKE, AND MARIUS pop up from behind the bench. MARIUS is hiding behind MC and LUKE though.]

MC, LUKE, and MARIUS: Girl you can't deny it Who you are is how you're feeling Baby we're not buying Hon we saw you hit the ceiling Face it like a grown-up When you gonna own up that you got got got it bad

[VYN turns, squinting dangerously as he reaches for a pair of garden shears. MARIUS goes pale.]

VYN: No chance no way I won't say it, no no...

[MC and LUKE realize a murder may occur. LUKE kicks the shears out of VYN’s reach]

MC, LUKE, and MARIUS (though it must be noted that MARIUS is now singing in a tone that somehow communicates “Dude, what the fuck? Why ONLY ME???): (Give up, give in, check the grin you're in love)

[VYN, aggravated at being weaponless, decides to be threatening by just singing with gravitas]

VYN: This scene won't play I won't say I'm in love!

MC, LUKE, and MARIUS: (We'll do it until you admit you're in love)

VYN: You're way off base I won't say it! Get off my case I won't say it!

MC, LUKE, and MARIUS: (Girl don't be proud it's okay you're in love)

[VYN sighs, as if tired all of a sudden. He reaches out to a nearby flower he, fingers tracing its petals, as he sings the last line softly]

VYN: At least out loud...I won't say I'm in love

[honeydvew]

what's the biggest life decision (you feel comfortable saying) that you've ever made? do you ever think about what would've happened if you hadn't made a certain choice/how it would've affected your life?

canofworms0 downloading tumblr. i know that sounds stupid but honestly its real. im not allowed to have anything else in regards to social media. not instagram, not twitter, not snapchat, not tik tok, nothing. my mother knows i have tumblr so i dont know why she doesnt make me delete it (but it might have to do with the fact she thinks its like deviant art or smth) but im so glad she doesnt. as social-media-addicted-teenager as this sounds without tumblr my life would fucking suk right now. i wouldnt have the things i do and i wouldnt be as happy. and i can give you examples.

lets go in order of events shall we :)

1. i downloaded tumblr some time last year (around may i think) and i immediately found a blog i liked! they were a 13yo like me they shared some of my interests and they seemed really cool! so i followed them. i dont know this blogs current @ but im so lucky i ever found them. a month or so later they posted about a server! it was a community server that they and some friends were in. i joined. thats where i met @starry-baby-katie and @gayishgothamite. and i love those dorks (affectionate)! we might not talk very offten but i think of them as people who are SO important to me. i love them with my whole soul and i dont know if my life would be as bright without them.

2. around 11/5 of last year i was scrolling through tumblr like usual. i saw an add for a server. at that point i was in maybe three servers on discord and didnt have many friends so i thought you know why not! its a mental health server and i wasnt in the best place maybe could benefit from it a bit. i joined and there were maybe 14 members including the mods. we didnt really think the server would go much of anywhere for a while and i honestly didnt interact much for a while but you know what. now that server is such a huge part of my life i dont think i would be here without it. i mean i love every last person there so much. literally all of them. @the-final-braincell bun bun is honestly one of the best people ive ever met. they’re funny and joyful and just the best to be around. talking to them always cheers me up and she always manages to make me laugh. were on the mod team together and she is such an important part of the team that we wouldnt run as smoothly as we do without her. i love them so so much and if i hadnt gotten tumblr? would never have met them. then theres @sir-tigerr. tiger. just. tiger. hes so amazing and i honestly would die for him. i love him so much and just talking to him can make my day. i wouldnt be as happy and the sever wouldnt be as fun without him. and @reallyradrat server owner :) sammy im so grateful for sammys existence just.. overall. they made the sever. they wrote the add post. and they’re such a good friend. i cant imagine not having them in my life they’ve made such a difference. so just... thank you <3 and @tiredconfusedandgay!! cub!! i love them!! theyre such a joy to be around and them being in the server is such a lucky thing! it wouldnt be as fun and bright of a place without them and they bring so much every time and i love seeing them in chat everyday. and with leo comes @canofworms0 baby child. anni is so amazing. just overall. so happy and funny and just an amazing person to be around and im so happy to have them in the server. @lentil-darling !!! kittycat!!! i love them!! they're so amazing and have helped me through things on more than one occasion and I'm so grateful for that and for them. they're such a good friend and i always have such a good time whenever we vc! its honestly something i look forward to! and speaking of VCs @gayest-unicorn is amazing. VCing with them is so fun and i hope we can do it more often. and on top of that just messaging them is great! and they're puns (ouns ;)/ij)? FANTASTIC! i hate puns by most means but whenever they crack a joke it makes my day 4000 times better. he's just amazing and i think he deserves the world. cant say enough praise to him :) so i low key have to speedrun this bc im running out of time to type this but all of these people also deserve the world and i wouldnt know them if it wasnt for tumblr @smoll-lightning-bug  @totally-tater-tot @savemycrustysoul @a-broken-laptop @nantuckets-weaver @undead-mutt  @hufflepuff-pide-honey-badger @human331279 and just so so many more whos @s i didnt get or couldnt find. i am so grateful to have in my life because of this server and that post. that post literally changed my life forever and i cant imagine my life without it and without these people

3. a few months went by and i made some mutuals and friends and whatnot. my at the time friend irl then made an account. i was really excited! why wouldnt i be! friend made account! awesome! but another thing about that? i had a crush on them.. and they could now see my account. but fuck it it was a great trade off. we spent a lot of time sending each other asks and messaging while in quarantine and it was just great. then i saw an ask game and i rebloged it. i realized this ask game said “♻ are we a qpp or what?” as one of the asks. now im a coward and i could NEVER have done this outside tumblr in anyway but i took the chance. i sent them the post and said “you should rb this! you have followers that would interact im sure” and so.. they did. i sent the ask and they said yes :) five months later and we’re still dating. whos this amazing person? that my friend would be @mossofthecosmos the most amazing person ive ever met. theyre the light of my life and if it werent for tumblr i would still be a blushy, semi-verbal, embarrassed, mess around them. and we wouldnt be dating. i cant even imagine what that would be like. i love them so much and they make every day wroth living for me and if it werent for tumblr, i wouldnt have that. 

4. and ive made friends. so many of them. and i love them all so much! i dont talk to a few anymore but for the while we did they made my days and made me so happy. without tumblr i wouldnt have met @mimekyo or @books-andbiscuits who are both people that have made my life a brighter place! 

okay so i cried writing this and i cried HARD

bottom line nonie? this question is so loaded it took me three hours to write an answer and a stupid amount of words that no one will read all the way through

i cant put it into words but this website is one of the best things that ever happened to me and i cant imagine life without it 

[agentvencm]

Has the loss of his legs affected how Flash sees himself? If so, how so?

contrary to– at least some belief, flash doesn’t hate the stumps, or regret his actions that lead to the amputation. in fact, he’s stated time and time again that should he have to make the choice again, he would not change a thing. it was, in his words, what a hero would do– what spider-man would do. which, of course, is just ‘flash’ for it being the right thing to do. because of him, his commanding officer got to come home to his wife, and their baby on the way. he does not regret this decision.

he does not want anyone feeling guilty, or pity towards him. spider-man has shown to feel at least a bit guilty seeing as flash openly did what he did because it was his hero he was inspired by. but flash won’t have any of it. honestly, had it not been for the vigilante’s effect on flash to just keep on keeping on, no matter how bad things got, flash is sure he would have been killed in action. besides, these actions were his own. way he sees it, the second he joined the army, he knew the risks. he was merely doing his job.  to be fair——  never once in his life had flash thompson accepted pity or concern from anyone, and he wasn’t about to start now. but truth be told, he was not ashamed of these stump legs——  the after math of his act of heroism. these were consequences of his actions, ones he would proudly accept.

in terms of body image, there have been times he despised the loss——  times of anger, denial, depression, begging whoever he could grasp for a way out, for a way to put flesh and bone back where it once belonged. never a wish to turn back the clock, but a desire to be both hero and able bodied, terrified of the difference this change would bring. but like any loss, he learned to live with it, learned to accept and make peace with the price he paid for the heroism he’d always dreamed of.  finally deciding that maybe, this is not the end of the world. sure, flash has always been quite the proud individual when it comes to the body——  always the first to show off the muscular, carefully chiseled physique he trained so hard for, and you’d think this flaw, this stone cold slap in the face of a realization that there were now things he simply was not able to do, would crush him. and it did, for a moment. the wound had taken its time to heal, and the mind did the same.

flash doesn’t hate the stumps, no. after all, how could you hate the proof of an act of one of the very little things about yourself you love? after a long track record of bad decisions, awful things that had titled him ‘bad person’, the mark of biggest act of trying to redeem himself was not one he’d name ‘ugly’ or something to be ashamed of. this lack of legs from the end of the thigh down, these scars, and every flaw that came with it, was part of him. he wouldn’t mind if things were different, if he had never run into that six headed group of enemies all carrying assault rifles or if there were a completely safe way to recover his legs—— but this was the way it was, and in all honesty, he wouldn’t change it for the world. if anything, he’d want to tackle changing things about himself emotionally and psychologically first, before even considering the legs.

[thatonedumbbitch]

Things people have said to me and inside joke with my sister that I will forever find hilarious

"If your going to go out and party and drink with your friends dont buy the cheap beer it tastes like ass"

"Get ready 'cus life is about to tap dat ass"

"I dont need sex the government fucks me everyday"

*says anything* "honey badger doesnt give a shit"

*says anything* "uneducated rat"

*says anything* "FUCK YOU! GOATMAN"

*says anything* "Bob Ross"

*says anything* "why do you hate me brother"

[lenientravesty]

list of canadian animals that i feel like you could totally find in australia and nobody would think its weird

moose: basically horses but 20x more dangerous (head spikes), also have a bad temper. they  can fight off wolves so you bet your ass they can fight a dingo. only reason they might not is bc they’re called swamp donkeys and idk if theres swamps in australia

bobcat: okay im forgoing the fact that we have fucking lions in canada and giving you guys bobcats bc theyre like lynxes but all-terrain kinda. they dont give a singular fuck abt whats going on and even though theyre like the size of a housecat you see one outside your door when youre getting home from a drive you wait in the damn car and hope the cat doesnt strike you down with the wraith of parents who just saw your 49% average report card

black widow: you guys already have all the poisonous spiders n shit take another youll like her shes quiet

wolverines: like a cross between the honey badger and the tasmanian devil with a little bit of opossum thrown in. theyre deceptively fluffy but do not pet although i guess australians shouldnt have a problem with that. we named a superhero after them bc they shouldnt be fucked with

puffins: alright here’s an easy one for you puffins are basically warmer penguins they vibe and also have sick striped beaks

beavers: okay maybe another easy one but beavers can actually be really aggressive and with those teeth that is not something that you want to be bitten by. basically a smaller capybara but can live in the water and also teeth

bighorn sheep: sheep with big horns. they will fuck you up if given the chance. considering they live on mountains you might not want to let them

army worms: these little fuckers kill people every year but its not because theyre poisonous. nonono every 7 years they get together and fucking s w a r m the roads and walkways. once you squish them they turn bright fucking neon green and become slippery as hell, so if youve got a roadway full of them you might get a death to the worm army this year. people regularly join together on sidewalks to crush these fuckers and its one of the only bugs we actually do this to (minus the next thing on the list). you can also tell how evil they are bc they have tiny skulls all along their backs

pine beetles: HOO BOY I MADE THIS E N T I R E LIST BECAUSE OF THESE FUCKERS WHO DESERVE A SPECIAL PLACE IN H E L L . ACTUALLY FUCK IT THESE GUYS A R E THE LAST CIRCLE OF HELL. HUGE ASS FUCKING BEETLES WITH GIANT ANTENNA WHO W I L L GO OUT OF THEIR WAY TO BITE YOU. IF ONES STUCK IN YOUR SHIRT YOULL HEAR IT LET OUT AN EARPIERCING SCREAM ONLY RIVALED BY THE DEATH OF GOD ITSELF BEFORE LATCHING ONTO AND INTO YOUR SKIN WITH GIANT F U C K I N G MANDIBLES AND NOT LETTING GO UNTIL ITS DEAD BECAUSE FUCK YOU, FUCK IT, FUCK EVERYTHING ITS HERE TO CAUSE YOU PAIN. worse than wasps, worse than stepping in a puddle with a sock on, 0/10, please fucking take them australia we Do Not need them

[anastasiaskarsgard]

Meeting Roman Godfrey

Chapter 2

Warning: cursing.

Author notes: establishing these two dynamic. The calm before the storm if you will. Lol.

“I can honestly say that I’m jealous.” Roman mumbled as he stared in wonder at myr Uncles’ home. Walking around touching the original furnishings, and admiring the extensive art collection that was everywhere you looked, in some form or another.

My uncles home had been designed by famous architect frank lloyd wright and was dramatically built on top of a waterfall, giving it the suitable name of “Falling Water”. It was as famous for its genius design, as it was for being owned by a reclusive antisocial billionaire that didn’t allow journalists, photographers, architects or anyone for that matter near the home, let alone photograph it.

I think, the waterfall is annoying,the kitchen impractical,pretty much had no storage space, was constantly in need of some major renovation or repair, and was as close to living in a fish bowl you could get. I’d never admit any of those things out loud, because it truly was beautiful, but deep down I hated living in the famous home.

“I’m just shocked you drove all the way out here. I figured for sure you’d see how far it was and be like pass.” I said trying to draw some attention from the home.

“He recognized the address.” I spun around to find my Uncle standing by one of the homes many staircases.”hello Godfrey. I bet you’re beside yourself to finally have a look inside.”

“Absolutely, sir. It’s an absolute honor to be in your home.” Roman said politely.

I looked at him incredulously. He was known for being a pain in the ass and a brat, but maybe he was just smart and chose his battles. My uncle was as famous for being an asshole as he was for being a genius, but it seemed as though they knew eachother. “So I guess you two know eachother?” i asked. 

“Since i can remember. your Uncle loves to tell me to go fuck myself on the regular. Well not since I tried to buy this house right before....” Romn trailed off as he seemed to get lost in some distant memory...

“What happened to your cousin Letha?” My uncle asked. Strange for him to even ask personal questions, let alone remember names (even if it was my name too)

“Uncle! It might be polite to ask him how he is first...” I huffed.

“I dont care about his emotional state. I care about how a perfectly strong healthy girl died so suddenly and then it just went away.” he analyzed Romans reaction, but there was none. my Uncle liked to test people.

“brain or blood vessel burst in child labor. I was there. So much blood... then she was gone.

“Uncle!!! Are you seriously...”

“No need to defend me Letha.” Roman interjected with a pleasant smile, “your Uncle is one of my favorite people.”

“Did I ever tell you how not just one, but two women ended up with your terrible name?” he asked me with one of his mischevious smiles. “in Greek it translates to forgetful, and considering you’re not forgetful in the least its ironic. Marie and your mother both hated Olivia, and bonded over that mutual hate. Marie was so taken by your others charms, she named Letha after you the following day.”

I looked over to Roman and he was staring into me. i glanced away to my Uncle, who was watching Roman wth a strange smile on his face. He was acting kind of strange, even for him. I’d better get Roman out of here before he hates me. 

“. Come on out here with me and we can chat you two. Letha grab me a ginger ale and get Roman a water since he’s driving.” my Uncle ordered.

I agreed and hurried to the kitchen and watched in curiosity as the two notoriously difficult business tycoons seemed to be enjoying one another  out on the terrace.

I hadn’t planned on inviting Roman in, but he had been so obviously enamored by the famous home, that i couldn’t refuse when he’d politely asked to see it. Normally a guy asking to see inside was a question with shady intentions, but the pure wonder on his face had proven otherwise.

Now i didn’t even know what to think about my Uncle being his version of kind to Roman. Uncle hated visitors. I wasn’t totally sure how much he liked me even. I felt like I was in some alternate reality 

I grabbed the drinks, put them on this fancy tray and carried them out to the terrace. It was just nearly dusk and this was one of the prettiest times to see the house, when it was all lit up like a lone lantern in the thick forest with the dramatic waterfalls, and otherworldly feel. 

It was kind of silly that the house was the view, instead of the house having a view. And ironically, the house was so hidden away on 1700 acres up a long winding road, behind a massive gate, with full time security, that nobody really ever got to view it.. Uncle has grown tired of people just showing up or seeing flashes in the woods, so he hired this crazy security company to keep everyone out and monitor all the borders. Hardly anyone ever made it thru now. It was private, but extremely isolated and lonely.

“I’m surprised you’d take interest in Letha.” My uncle said, eyes narrowing obviously oblivious I was right behind them. I held my breath and didn’t move a muscle. I wanted to hear this.

“Why? She’s a beautiful girl.” Roman chuckled.

My heart warmed and stomach fluttered a bit. OH HELL NO Letha. Keep that shit in check.Hes gorgeous, and tall, and sexy, and charmng, and smelled nice, and could hold his own with your uncle, but hes also famous for bedding every woman in his path.... 

“Frankly her breasts are too big for my taste, they seem like a handicap more than an asset, but that’s trivial and shallow. She’s too smart and she doesn’t listen for shit.”

“I had noticed that actually...” Roman said thoughtfully.

“Which part?”

“All of it.”

I cleared my throat, so I didnt hear anything else wrong with me. “Drinks guys.”

Roman hopped up to help me but I signaled him to sit, as I served them their beverages. I could feel his eyes on me, but was careful not to look at him and notice.

“Take a picture, it’ll last longer.” My uncle said. I was gonna punch him in the face, hes such an ass! god I love him.

I burst out laughing and looked at Roman who was 3 shades redder and forcing an uncomfortable smile.He isnt that cool, he does get embarrassed, thats better.

My Uncle started to laugh but winced. “Ouch. Shit. Fucking neck.” He cursed as he was reminded laughing wasn’t allowed yet. He hardly ever did laugh so it wasn’t really an issue normally.

“You’re my favorite person in the world Uncle.” I meant it too. He’s always been there for me, and when I heard he’d hurt himself and may need my help, I dropped everything, hopped in my car and drove the nearly 3000 miles to his house.

It’d taken nearly a whole day to get permission to pass the guards. They were new and usually my uncle came to see me. I’d only been to this house one time when I had graduated high school more than a few years ago. With me going to University, my uncle no longer had to live in the city, so he came here.. Something about the house and town was unsettling to me.

“Well considering the competition, it’s not much of a compliment.” My uncle said dryly. “One day you two should compare notes and see which one of your mothers is the more despicable creature.”

“Is it ok if I take Roman on a little nature walk so he can see the house in all its glory?”

“Go ahead. I’m gonna go to sleep shortly but no hanky panky you two.” He said with a mischievous grin.

Now it was my turn to be red. I turned to Roman and he was already up by my side. I took his hand and walked to the floating stairs that led to the ground floor. I was sure to walk slowly so he could take in all the house had to offer.

“Beautiful.” Roman said under his breath.

“Oh my gosh I know! Can you believe they built this out in the middle of nowhere in 1935? Can you imagine? And it hasn’t been cheap or easy keeping it perfect like this. A few years ago they had to rip half the house apart and reinforce it because the terraces were sagging. Uncle spent like 11 million dollars that time on engineers and architects and materials. He was not letting it go, and I don’t even think the whole house is worth that, but when he likes something, not hell nor high water can change his mind.”

“I wasn’t talking about the house, although good to know.” He smiled at me almost shyly.

“Are you trying to be adorable? You aren’t shy, and yet you’re acting almost sweet.”

“You’re so weird. You just spit out whatever you’re thinking don’t you?” Roman challenged me. Super cocky confident Roman returning.

“Omg you’re a peacock. Look at you preening about, puffing up your chest.”

“A peacock? Really? What does that make you?”

I had to think about that for a moment.”I’d have to go with a honey badger I think.” I said.

Roman choked on his water. I pat him on the back, giving him a moment to catch his breath. “Why is that such a shock?”

“No reason.” He tried to look innocent but I could see thru his shit. “Why did you choose it?”

“Well I’m resourceful, fearless, I don’t listen, I prefer my own company, no one can keep me contained, and snakes don’t intimidate me.”

“Ya?” Roman got very close to me and wrapped his arms around me looking down through long lashes. He oozed sex appeal and I could see how all the girls fell all over him.

I reached up and booped his nose. “Boop.” I giggled hysterically at his facial expression.

“What was that?” He asked confusedly.

“Shut. The. Fuck. Up. No one has ever booped you in the nose? That’s crazy! You have the best looking nose I’ve ever seen.”

“I’ve never gotten that one.”

“Well that’s cuz most women are probably trying to be sexy and mysterious with you. theyre not being themselves. Boop. Ok last one. Sorry. I barely know you, I can’t go booping you all over the place on our first date, you’re a nice Christian boy...” I said sarcastically. I grabbed him by the hand and pulled him along the way. “We are almost there and it’s getting dark. We don’t wanna get eaten out here or have to kill something.”

i looked back and Roman was genuinely smiling. I felt warm all over, I looked t our hands intertwined and was puzzled with the feeeling i felt. i looked back at Roman and he was looking at our hands too...

We walked along in happy silence until we reached the rocks across the lake and waterfalls from the house. I was wearing Converse, but his dress shoes were proving to be less than nature friendly. We finally got up the slick stairs cut into the stone to reach the sitting area, after a lot of effort and laughs. They were the worst shoes for this environment ever.

Upon seeing the house, Roman audibly gasped. He took a few steps ahead and I just admired his profile and form. He really was beautiful. I knew he was going to kiss me before the night was thru. I knew better than to trust this boy, and I knew this was really stupid and I couldn’t put my finger on it, but I was completely enthralled and was going to see it through. I didnt half ass anything, and i wasnt going to start with him.

“Take a picture, it’ll last longer.” Roman said playfully.

My eyes flashed at him trying to tell me what to do. I lowered my head and looked up at him thru my lashes with a sneer.

 “Hey hold on, that’s my trick! We can’t BOTH have intense sexy stares.” he walked over and casually grabbed me around the waist.

“Good thing mine is just evil then.” I said in my best creepy witch voice.

He burst out laughing, eyes shining. It was a genuine laugh. I could tell by the way he instantly tried to control it, that it didn’t happen often.He tried to be so intimidating and serious, but there was a warmth to him, just under the surface.

“You’re a nerd.” He said quietly. 

Oh boy here we go. He’s gonna try this again. My mind was running 1000 miles a minute as I tried to decide whether I was going to let this happen, when all of a sudden it was too late. His lips were on me as he pulled me into a deep embrace. If I was the type to get caught up in a moment, this would be that moment. He smelled amazing, and tasted so sweet. I felt gum in his mouth with my tongue and I snatched it. I pulled away victorious and mock screamed like a roaring crowd, jogging in a circle arms raised.

“You did not just steal my gum.” He beamed at me, chasing me and catching me in his arms before slipping and pulling me down on top of him, wincing at the impact. 

i hovered over him laughing hysterically. “grace and beauty,” i teased. “ No gum is safe when I’m around.” I grabbed his hand and dragged him to his feet and then back to the stairs. “Time to go on the date I have planned for us.”

His eyebrows shot up and he looked genuinely shocked. “You planned out a date?”

“I did. And I have a feeling, you’re going to love it giiiirrrlll!” We both were giggling like school kids as we made our way back to the house.

I looked up to see my Uncle watching us from his terrace, a worried look on his face. That was kind of odd, but this was Roman Godfrey for chrissake.

I obnoxiously kissed my hand with a big “muah!” And threw it at my uncle who ducked like he was really avoiding getting hit.

“You nearly got me that time.” He yelled down to me.

I laughed and waved goodbye as we walked around the house to Romans Mercedes G wagon.

“Do you know why this suv is so expensive?” I asked him.

“It’s a Mercedes.” He said rolling his eyes.

“Although that’s part of it, these are built by hand and take over 40 hours buy two master craftsman to build. They have all the top-of-the-line materials used as well as three locking differentials. It’s the only one in its class with that so it’s superior for off-road Ing especially with the all wheel drive. Add that with superior safety and brand reliability and you have a very expensive, amazing machine. And since you of course have the AMG, you have to add two more craftsman to its build to hand build its engine that’s a mechanical marvel in itself.”

“You know more about my car than me. “ he laughed.

“It’s no big deal, I just never forget something once I’ve read it.”

“Never? I understand your ironic name now”

“Nope. It’s a blessing and a curse. I get it from my Uncle I guess.”

“That’s impressive.” He said sincerely. “I better never lie to you.”

I looked at him and our eyes locked. We stood there eyes locked on one another, neither of us wanting to be the first to look away. A smile crept across his face and i did an exaggerated silly wink.

“You are full of surprises Ms. Letha... what is your last name? Same as your Uncle?

“Nope. My last name is Dahl although I’d love to change it. Not a fan of my father. 

“Oh? Family drama Letha Dahl?’

“You have no idea.” I winked and got in the passenger side before he could reach the door and open it for me. I watched him walk around to the drivers seat and stop to read a message and reply. He scanned thru his phone and slipped it in his pocket. He climbed in and pushed the button to start the car. I went to the navigation and entered the address of our destination and pressed start.

I looked out the window analyzing my thoughts and emotions with scientific precision, first identifying the particular emotions and then assessing where there root was, before filing them away as solved. This was how I regulated thoughts and feelings, so they never got the best of me but this time there were emotions, I had no name for and there was nothing logical about them. I’d dated and even had boyfriends, but I’d never been this absolutely enamored by a man. i felt .... God, what was it?

Roman Godfrey was way cooler than me, but I was smarter, but for the first time in my life, I wasn’t sure if that was an advantage. I had never let emotion take the wheel, but i almost wanted to. I wanted to be lost in this tragic gorgeous boy.