#honestly she just has no bad looks
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so so so SO random but can you imagine if ellie had brown eyes… that woman would be a problem—
this ask made me open up facetune…
well, yes now i can imagine it and a problem is an understatement holy—
i present to you,
✧ brown-eyed ellie williams ✧
#ellie the last of us#ellie williams#ellie tlou#the last of us 2#the last of us ellie#i love the last of us lesbians!#the makers of tlou knew she would be too powerful this way#brown eyed ellie would be the death of me—#like seriously#honestly she just has no bad looks#her eyes could be neon-orange and i’d still be drooling…#thank you for this thought it’s gonna rot my brain for the next five days—#cup of jupi ✩°。⋆⸜🫖
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Hot take:
Crosshair does not have the Imperial disillusionment and redemption arc of The Bad Batch
Emerie does.
Crosshair has an arc for sure yes but it's not that.
I was thinking about this scene:
and how it got right what this scene kinda didn't:
(It was so close but then bad writing decided to undercut the moment with a joke rip)
And I think it's really interesting that these characters who were more or less raised into the Empire/First Order and chose to leave it are all directly asked why.
But take a look at Crosshair's answers in comparison:
Different context for the asking, yes, but still, compare that to clones like Howzer, Cody, Slip and Cade who left or turned against the Empire because they knew what the Empire is doing is wrong and they weren't just going to blindly follow orders:
Crosshair - Loyalty, Purpose, and Survival
Crosshair didn't choose to join the Empire (though the show isn't very clear or consistent about how much control the inhibitor chips have) but he did, for whatever reason, choose to stay. By the end of S1 we know his chip has been removed and as he definitively says "This is who I am." There were likely still other influences on his decision, but listen to how he talks about the Empire in the S1 finale:
Hunter: Crosshair, I've seen what the Empire is doing. Occupying planets and silencing anyone who stands against them. You know it's not right. Crosshair: You still don’t see the bigger picture, but you will. Hunter: Can't you see they're using you?
Crosshair: We’re not like the regs, we never have been. We’re superior. The Empire can’t protect the galaxy without strength, this is what we were made for. Think of all we could do, together!
Crosshair: You all are meant for more than drifting through the galaxy. It’s time to stop running. Join the Empire, and you will have purpose again.
Hunter: They destroyed an entire city! Crosshair: They did what needed to be done. Kamino, regs, the Republic, that time is over. The Empire will control the entire galaxy, and I am going to be a part of it. Hunter: Don't fool yourself. All you'll ever be to them is a number.
He undeniably knows what the Empire is doing, but he does not care. In fact it sure sounds like he actually supports it and finds self-meaning in it. Hunter spends those episodes trying to convince him it's wrong, he doesn't change his mind. In the end they offer him an out and he doesn't take it.
Wrecker: You coming with us? Crosshair: None of this changes anything. Hunter: You offered us a chance, Crosshair. This is yours. Crosshair: I made my decision.
The next we see Crosshair in "The Solitary Clone" (S2:E3) he follows orders and shoots the Desix governor, right after Cody heartbreakingly tries to do what's right and find a peaceful solution.
Cody: Tell me something, Crosshair. This new Empire, are we making the galaxy better? Crosshair: We’re soldiers, we do what needs to be done. Cody: You know what makes us different from battle droids? We make our own decisions, our own choices. And we have to live with them too.
After this (glorious!) conversation, Crosshair stays. Maybe this began to seed some doubts, but he actually smiles a few scenes later when Rampart assigns him another mission. It seems like for him it truly is as he said in S1:E1 (chip not enhanced yet but still influencing him enough for his brothers to notice he's acting strange):
Crosshair: Republic, Empire... what's the difference.
Crosshair: Orders are orders.
This unethical mission that finally pushed Cody over the edge does not change Crosshair's mind about the Empire, at least not enough for him to take action.
But what does?
Mayday: And here we are, the survivors. Combat troopers stuck babysitting cargo shipments. Crosshair: Mission’s a mission. Mayday: Yeah, I used to say the same thing.
Mayday: After all the clones have done, all we’ve sacrificed. We’re good soldiers, we followed orders. And for what?
This mission has nothing to do with how the fascist Empire treats the galaxy, it's about how they treat their soldiers. It's about how Mayday loyally fought and served his whole life and Lieutenant Nolan let him die
Lt Nolan: He served his purpose as a soldier of the Empire. Crosshair: You could have saved him! Lt Nolan: Perhaps you didn’t hear me, he is expendable, as are you.
Crosshair thought he could find purpose within the Empire, and Nolan shows him exactly what that will be.
His turning point is accompanied with this powerful visual of the ice vulture, a symbol (and threat) of death, and also set up within the episode a symbol of survival:
Mayday: Vicious creatures, but you have to admire ‘em. They find a way to survive.
This critical moment (that gives me chills, oof this episode is a masterpiece!) comes right after Nolan calls him expendable and directly threatens him:
Lt Nolan: And if you speak to me again with such disrespect I'll see to it you meet a similar fate, clone.
then Crosshair sees the vulture's shadow and turns to Mayday's dead body (ahh visual storytelling my beloved) then makes his decision:
Crosshair turns against the Empire not because he believes Hunter was right about this:
Hunter: I've seen what the Empire is doing ... You know it's not right.
but because he was right about this:
Hunter: All you'll ever be to them is a number.
Redemption (both in fiction and irl in my humble opinion) comes with making amends and reparations (which is why death 'redemptions' bother me so much but that's a rant for another time). Unlike Emerie, Crosshair never explicitly denounces the Empire or his own actions within it. He never says anything to specifically show if and how his views have changed from what he said on Kamino. He makes amends with his family (sending the warning message, helping Omega escape, making up with Hunter) but that's about it. The most we get in terms of acknowledgement is this:
Crosshair: I thought I knew what I was getting into with the Empire. I thought I was being a good soldier. Hunter: Nobody really understood what was happening back then. Crosshair: I’ve... done things. I’ve made mistakes. Hunter: I have regrets too, Crosshair. All we can do is keep trying to be better, and who knows there just might be hope for us yet.
Which is nice and all but it's more about them making up as brothers so it's way too excusing tbh ("no one knew what was happening back then" ummm? "The Empire will control the entire galaxy, and I am going to be a part of it" remember? And even if at first Crosshair was being controlled by the chip, the fact that he chose to stay after it was removed* means he condones and is therefore still accountable for those actions).
There's also a bit of self-destructive guilt:
Crosshair: Omega, don't risk anything for me. I belong in here.
Crosshair: Omega needs you both. So I’m doing this alone, it’s what I deserve. Hunter: Don’t even think about plan 99, Crosshair. Omega needs all of us.
(which thank you Hunter for pushing back on the death redemption bs and oh look is that a wrap up for the purpose thing?)
But there's no action taken on his part to make up for what he's done or to stand against the Empire (aside from the bare minimum of help with Tantiss, only after it became personally relevant, which like yeah he had trauma to deal with but still).
While I do think the implications/follow-up of Crosshair's turn should have been handled better in S3 (like rip Howzer! he deserved an apology, but that's a rant for another time), I don't necessarily** think this arc is a bad writing choice. It's just saying different things than we expect:
Maybe Crosshair's story is not about standing up against an unjust system, like we see with many other characters (who deserved more screen time but that's a rant for another timeeee). Maybe his story is about how even those who are loyal to the Empire, who actually believe in it, still suffer under and within it's rule. Not to garner sympathy, but to show that there is no winning.
Crosshair has another 'so what changed' convo in S3:E14 with Rampart, in which they draw parallels to each other:
Rampart: You used to believe good soldiers followed orders. Crosshair: Depends on who's giving them. The Empire betrayed us both. Rampart: And you think you can fight them? That's not you. You're like me, loyal to no one but yourself. Crosshair: I've changed.
(note how he says who's giving the orders, not what the orders are)
"Loyal to no one but yourself" describes Rampart much more than Crosshair, since we often saw Crosshair pride himself as a loyal soldier of the Empire whereas we saw Rampart abuse power to be self-serving within the Empire (like when he killed Wilco to save face). But they were both betrayed either way. Vice Admiral Rampart, snively Imperial opportunist through-and-through, shouts "I was following orders!" as he is arrested for the Empire's purposes. (Edit: and where Crosshair rejected the Empire and found new purpose fighting for his family, Rampart was still self-serving in the finale. He still tries to gain power for himself and he gets his comeuppance).
Even Hemlock, the final boss immoral Imperial scientist, who has to be benefiting the most from this system, echoes the expendability idea:
Hemlock: What I am working on is beyond your understanding. Something so vital to the Empire it makes me indispensable.
Then there's CX-2, also set up as a parallel/foil to Crosshair (fight me), who in the end is discarded as no more than a weapon, a tool that served it's purpose, showing us what would have become of Crosshair if he had stayed.
There is no winning in the Empire. Loyalty is not rewarded, it "doesn't go both ways." Everyone has to fight for their value. Even high ranking individuals** who for a time benefit from the injustice, in the end are just pawns to be used up and cast aside at a whim for the Emperor's gain. Even people who are motivated by self-interest alone cannot survive within this system, the only viable option in this galaxy is to fight the Empire and dismantle that system. (unless you conveniently find a magically safe island to hide away on but that's a rAnT fOr AnOtHeR tImE)
Which brings us back to...
Emerie - Cooperation, Compassion, and Choice
(Okay this post has already gotten away from me but I still want to talk about her to show the contrasts.)
Emerie may not have been given a lot of screen time to really flesh out her development, but there is a lot that is pretty clearly implied with her:
Crosshair: They’ll never turn her [Omega] over. Hemlock: They don’t have a choice. She is a clone, and therefore Imperial property. *Camera cuts to an angle more centered on Emerie’s face*
Crosshair: Give me your access card! Emerie: It won’t get you outside!
Emerie: I tried to warn him what would happen if he did not cooperate with the Doctor.
Emerie: Prisoner? Omega, you are no such thing. It will take time to adjust, but you will acclimate. It is far safer in here than out there.
Emerie: You should go back to your room. Crosshair: You mean her cell?
Emerie: Why children? Hemlock: Children are easier to attain and more agreeable to the subjugations. They are unaware of why they are here and what they possess.
Emerie: They're children. Like I was... Was your plan to discard them too? Nala Se: The Empire will keep them in order to control them.
We don't know a lot about Emerie's background, but it's clear that she had a lot less choice than Crosshair and less opportunity or ability to leave. Unlike Crosshair, we never directly hear Emerie's views of the Empire (and she was most likely 'taken under Hemlock's wing' before the Empire even came to power), but lets look at how she talks about the Tantiss:
"Remain calm. Cooperate and you might survive."
"Don't make this worse, Crosshair! There is no escape!"
"All of us serve a purpose here."
"The Doctor will inform me, if it's necessary."
"It's best not to ask questions."
"Escape is not possible, Omega. This is for your own good."
She honestly does the best she can within the system she is also trapped in. She tries to help Crosshair, Omega, and the vault kids in the only way she knows how (warns Crosshair about the hounds and security, tries to protect Omega from Hemlock, tells Scorch his "actions were extreme" with Jax, insists on overseeing Bayrn's retrieval, double checks his m-count (to give him an out), and tries to find out where he came from). When she gives Omega, and later Eva, the doll, I think it shows just how little she really is able to do here (and it's kinda heartbreaking imo).
The framing of this shot especially (after Jax's escape attempt) visually shows how Emerie herself is trapped/imprisoned:
Despite the fact that very little of this is Emerie's fault, she has very little power and she is doing all she can, the narrative does not excuse her role in the Empire:
Nala Se: What will you do, Emerie? Emerie: There is nothing I can do. I don't have that kind of power. Nala Se: Don't you?
Emerie: I- I was doing my job. Echo: Yeah, I’ve heard that before. You’re a clone. How can you be part of this?
These fighting-the-Bystander-Effect conversations parallel these exchanges:
Hunter: We made a choice, and so did you. Crosshair: Soldiers follow orders. Hunter: Blind allegiance makes you a pawn.
Crosshair: We’re soldiers, we do what needs to be done. Cody: You know what makes us different from battle droids? We make our own decisions, our own choices. And we have to live with them too.
which did not change Crosshair's mind. And honestly, all respect to Echo's disappointed mom glare™ but I think it's clear Emerie had already made her decision, she just needed help to actually be able to do anything about it. When she stopped Echo, with her voice wavering on the verge of tears (ahhh v good voice acting), she clearly had no intention of turning him in. She's on her own in the Empire's most secure facility with very little resources, if she had tried anything on her own she most likely would have failed and been killed
Omega: Emerie, you don't have to do this. Emerie: (sigh) I’m sorry, but I do.
but as soon as she is enabled by an ally, she immediately turns around to help: giving information and getting Echo through security, helping the kids escape, and giving Omega the tablet that allows them to free the other clone prisoners.
Where Crosshair's turn is accompanied by the symbolic imagery of the ice vulture, Emerie's is the removal of her (literally rose-tinted!) glasses:
Symbolizing how she has shed her previous views/indoctrination that altered her perception of the Empire and blinded her to it's wrongs. It's disillusionment.
Emerie's story shows us that even those who are raised and indoctrinated into this system can, should, and will escape (with needed help). Even those who did not choose to be apart of the Empire and are not making the decisions still have the responsibility and ability to act on what they know is right.
Emerie, whose name means 'Home strength' 'Brave' and 'Powerful', and "reflects the importance of leadership and authority in the workplace".***
While Emerie is only in one more scene after her turn, so the wrap up is a bit rushed, she still very simply does what Crosshair does not:
Emerie: Because I was wrong about this place. And I'm trying to do the right thing.
Echo: I’m sure Senator Chuchi would find what you have to say very helpful for our cause. Emerie: I have a lot to make up for. I’d like to help out however I can.
She admits wrong, takes accountability, commits to making amends, and leaves with Echo to go take on the Empire (which hopefully we will get to actually see more of some day).
So, in short, she's showing us how redemption is done right!
---
Notes:
*Whether this writing choice was good/logical/in-character or not is another discussion entirely, but I'm going off of what we were given, what the show is presenting in the canon text and (reasonably inferred/intentional) subtext. Crosshair is pretty multifaceted and I could only touch on so much here. There's a lot of ways to interpret his character/choices, but I tried to avoid the realm of speculation or fanon explanations (even if they sometimes make more sense lol).
**History and political theory are not my area of expertise at all, so I have NO idea how well this aligns with real-world fascism stuff and therefore what implications this storytelling choice could have. I think the message of like 'if you think you could survive or gain power by doing what the Empire/fascist system wants you are wrong' could be good (like how everyone is actually harmed by the patriarchy type of a thing), but I hesitate bc maybe there are those who would benefit, since it's a hierarchal system, right? If anyone more knowledgeable than me has incite to share, by all means
Either way, I do think it works in-story and in-universe though. It's just in the execution. The main problem (even from a strictly theme/character arc stand point) is the lacking follow-up/consequences for Crosshair in S3. Like you gave your character accountability by removing the chip and I think that's great setup for an arc but you gotta follow through with that and actually hold him accountable!
***I'm always curious when clones have 'normal' names, like why did they chose the name Emerie of all things? So I looked it up. Idk how reliable sources are for name meanings so take it with a grain of salt but it's still fun. Fits pretty well, and clones names have definitely had significant meanings in the past (like how Rex and Jesse both mean 'king') so I'm pretty sure it was intentional.
Anyway, thanks for coming to my tedtalk
#this fandom has been SLEEPING on Emerie's arc yall!#like look at her I LOVE her#I was kinda neutral about her on the first watch but now i'm realizing just how sad and scary her story is#she's honestly pretty cool and interesting as a character and i do hope we get to see more of her at some point#also the outpost is such good writing ahhh if only the whole show had the same quality#sorry crosshair girlies your blorbo is kinda a fascist?#like we don't judge a character based off who they were/what they said at the BEGINNING of their arc#they have to start somewhere to end up somewhere else#it's how well the writing executes that transition that matters#but also where did he end up? really :/#star wars#the bad batch#tbb analysis#tbb critical#those rants may come we'll see#star wars finn#emerie karr#tbb crosshair#arc trooper echo#captain howzer#commander cody#commander mayday#tbb cx 2#writing#writing pet peeves#character analysis#redemption arcs
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i feel like. theres designing a character with certain themes and motifs in mind, and then theres making a gijinka for the water bottle on my nightstand
#me when im the only person on the bus wearing a mask: i should make a furry plaguesona#its hard to explain bc. most of the time i try NOT to give my characters a 'strong' theme like making their whole design around#one thing like apples or even broad stuff like baking or cottagecore.. idk if its partly for flexibility or because i cant imagine them#making it their whole personality. not bc i find it cringe or overblown but more like ive learned to associate design with character depth#i had a cutesy uwu persona for most of highschool because i thought it would make me more. likeable? easy to remember? since#memorable character designs are easy to recognize. and one way of doing that is simplifying it with a theme or symbol so you form an#association. but since im a real person its exhausting keeping up that appearance all the time and denying myself things when they dont#fit my 'aesthetic' or 'theme.' i think ive grown past that bc i just collect stuff because i think it looks cool and dont let myself dwell#on how it might 'fit' with my image. but i cant help feeling bad doing it to my own characters bc it feels like im making them too one#dimensional. despite knowing that theyre not real and design alone doesnt reflect depth i cant help feeling like its wrong#despite that i love seeing motifs because it feels like it reflects the characters soul and paradoxically gives them depth. it makes them#interesting to look at too and honestly its pretty fun combining things that fall under a similar category when designing#i struggle find a balance between those two things#actually this reminds me of noelles christmas theme.. i dont remember her saying anything abt liking christmas despite a lot of#her design and character tying back to it. it makes me wonder if she would have feelings about that or doesnt think abt it too hard#or if its like a matching family shirts situation and shes just going along with it??#maybe i should just do whatever i want with my character designs since theyre not real and im thinking abt it too hard#although. this probably has something to do with deep seated identity issues huh#yapping#oc talk#oc
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Just finished episode 4 of The Penguin and sorry... Penguin who? Give me 4 more episodes of just Sofia Falcone please and thank you. Absolutely exilerating yet terrifying, I love it.
#is she... becoming a new comfort character? maybe. Do I want to know what this says about me? Absolutely not.#i was actually just saying how Star & Jobu Tupaki are my comfort characters earlier but she can be a new addition!#but HOLY COW she's insane! she's calculated. she's meticulous. she's vengeful. I love it.#ok but honestly? She's the real victim here got the short end of the fucking stick I'll tell you that much#not that she hasnt done bad things now but before Arkhan? yikes thats unfortunate#ok spoiler time#she really just killed off 95% of her family huh#& left the guy I hate the most alive. god.I am so excited to see her next move I'd say she couldnt top this but she continues to suprise me#i was on the edge of my seat this whole episode. what an incredible performance Cristin Milioti has give us. just give her the Emmy already#The Penguin#the penguin spoilers#Sofia Falcone#The Batman#Matt Reeves#Batman Matt Reeves#its giving 'looks like she can kill you; will kill you' but also cinnamon roll!!!
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#ruffled feathers#sometimes work is so fucking frustrating#like i had this one kid hit another kid and then when i told him off he just mocked me and then the entire class laughed#and like. there's nothing i can do. i can't send him out of the classroom bc i'm not allowed (there's nowhere to send him)#i can't call his parents bc i'm not allowed (and my japanese wouldn't be good enough to speak to them anyway)#i told him he couldn't join in the game and he just didn't care. spent the game throwing stuff at other kids + ruined it for everyone#then he shoved some crayons up his nose/in his ears and started running around#which is. y'know. REALLY FUCKING DANGEROUS so i can't just ignore it#when i spoke to the japanese teacher she was like 'ohh he has adhd' and i'm like ??? he assaults others. that's NOT bc of adhd#i don't work at a school i work at an eikaiwa. i'm the only staff member on location (no assistant no receptionist etc)#i have 11 kids in that class. most of them are 6-7 years old#and the japanese teacher just lets them do what they want most of the time so it's basically impossible to control them#i just. i fucking hate this classroom honestly. the kids are so disrespectful#i know it's not just me like everyone i've spoken to says it's a Problem Classroom#but also. it makes me feel like i'm a bad teacher bc i can't control the kids#it makes me feel like i should just quit my job bc obviously i'm bad at it#anyway i'm really not looking for advice here i'm just venting so please spare me the 'have you tried' messages#i've already asked my supervisor and senpais for advice and the general consensus is we need more staff#and also for the jt to not actually tolerate 7-year-olds behaving like 2-year-olds#delete later
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hi I like gelato a lot
youtube
#ask#anon#hi anon. sorry that i used this opportunity to talk about the sims 2 console port#ive had this template made and didn't use it for much besides a few jokes to send to friends#but i think it's on par for Gelato to be this knowledgeable about one of his favourite games.#but yeah basically i grew up with the xbox version of Sims 2 and since the xbox was my brothers console. i didnt get to play it a whole lot#and years later i bought the sims 2 on PS2 and noticed a lot of slowdown on actions and stuff#and the golden bolt (i think thats their youtube name) did a video about the console ports of sims 1 & 2 games#and i was kinda confused hearing them talk about how the sims 2 only had one save file (on PS2) because the xbox version had like eight#and so that. paired with me looking through the cutting room floor page of the sims 2#i was kinda curious to see if the xbox version really performed as bad as it does on the ps2 version#because the golden bolt was also talking about that in their coverage of the ports#and so like again. there's only two videos on youtube that I could find of the xbox version#and the ones uploaded by IGN run on the ps2 version. because of the fucking button prompts they show on screen#anyway. so like thankfully one of the only other xbox videos showcased making a sim. and it's. so much fucking faster than the ps2 version#like on the ps2 version. you'd select a hairstyle. wait 5-10 seconds. and then the hair changes and you get the ui element to customize it#press cancel and you wait 5-10 seconds to revert back to your previous hairstyle#on the xbox version though? it's so much fucking faster#i haven't checked gameplay of the gamecube version but ik that speedrunners use specifically just that version of the port?#im not sure why only because i havent done the research to check what's better about the gamecube version#granted. i have to get around to getting an original xbox controller at some point to prove it for myself that the xbox port runs the best#i know it probably wont be perfect due to the disk having a few scratches. but its gotta beat my ps2 copy#im also curious to see how many save files i used. because im almost certain i used like 6-7 of them#just because i kept creating new story modes with almost identical alien sims with mohawks#in my last playthrough. i think i broke that tradition and gave my sim a flatter haircut. i also forget if i made him an alien or not.#i havent played it in a year due to getting my computer and it taking up the space i used for my crt setup#anyway. hi anon. sorry about that. im happy you like Gelato :)#i genuinely love him so much ever since Helper sketched him up. like she absolutely nailed it. literally couldn't ask for anything better#and writing up stuff for him has honestly made me love him so much more#thank you for the ask anon!! :)
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what if purple never calls him dad
#what if the word ‘dad’ is something purple doesn’t like.#what if it carries a bad connotation for them and a bitter reminder for mango.#family doesnt always have to look like one thing yknow? i dont think those two would have a traditional dynamic in that way#maybe purple does consider him their parent. they just dont call him ‘dad’ unless its in third person#and theyre fine with that and so is he#king is his father figure yes but he’s also a mom. a big brother. a sister. their dynamic just isnt captured in purple calling him ‘dad’#maybe his name is the best way they can say it. the best way they can appreciate him#because for purple a father is someone who hurts you. someone who leaves you#i think ‘purple calls him dad on accident’ is a cute idea#but honestly it would make more sense if they called him mom on accident instead. or if it happened when they were afraid. not comfortable#(this is presuming orchid is his mother and navy his father based on the pronouns used in the react vids iirc)#because why would purple refer to someone he sees as a parent with the title of the one that presumably did not raise them?#and on mangos end#i think u can kinda tell who in this fandom has never lost a loved one in how they characterize him#guys. grief doesnt leave. it never leaves.#you just learn to live with it!!!#mango is not okay just because he has a new kid to take care of. i would know this my bio mom passed and i have a stepmother!!!#she does not fill that void and i do not expect her to because it cannot be filled. but she brings a lot new to ease the pain and is a#wonderful part of my life#the same thing here#mango will never ever just .. go back to how he was#he will never be the same since gold died. and thats okay#purple will not change that. they will merely add something new#their dynamic can be beautiful and nontraditional and a showing of how grief can change you#it doesnt have to be ‘replacement dad and replacement son’#its so much more#oke. tag rant over#fett rambles#ava#uhh should i tag the chars
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watched the 2004 punisher movie yesterday with pixie and honestly i had fun 👍 some stuff was good some stuff was eh some completely irrelevant stuff made me mildly annoyed. but most of all it was funny and they had frank hang around with his tits out for multiple scenes so i mean how could i not have a great time tbh
#marvel#frank castle#the punisher#its also the movie that has the frame that i found like. on a wiki or something? and that pushed me down the punisher rabbithole#maybe im insane but i REALLY liked how frank looked in that movie. lost. confused. profoundly sad. bare chest glistening with sweat#whats not to like honestly. i also felt incredibly bad for thinking this the entire movie because im actually going. a little insane#like lately i just feel generally bad for liking frank in that way at all. as in both romantic and sexual. just. im sorry frank really#so the entire movie id hide my face in my hands every couple of minutes going 'oh god hes so hot im so sorry hes so hot im sorry'#what the fuck is this kid doing#anyway the thing i also liked on a more serious note was that the death of maria and his son was dragged out#because it like. like it kept going. and going. and with every second we both just felt this sense of like. dread and helplessness yk#like you KNOW theyre going to die anyway. and yet you watch them struggle and. its such a specific emotion#my least favorite horror story from a book i had invoked the same emotion in me but worse#and it was called sth like 'the torture of hope' so like. thats the best description i can give#also the thing that annoyed me for no reason was joan being blonde. why is she BLONDEEEEE#SHE JUST LOOKS LIKE MARIA LIGHT THIS IS SO. STUPID#also poor third neighbour but i assume in this movie he had the same role as in the comic (none) because its the 2004 one#i liked daves vibe. seemed like the type of guy my friend karol would have us smoke weed with on her birthday#and also he was just like me fr
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#are you guys not as down bad as me or what?#im very close to purchasing this movie to see if there is more of her#cries what is point i will never be her#like are you actually kidding me with that bedroom scene she has some nerve!!!!!!#wags my finger around REMEMBER i-i ain't gay!!!!#what's it like to be skinny and in a relationship bros#i want her fits#listening to 80's power ballads while making these gifs only makes the job harder#looking at her very respectfully#yeah im normal about this sure#honestly shocked no one has tried making gifs from this but i'll do it and take the bullet it's fine ill just spiral further into madness#kate mulgrew#(sighhhhh)
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you ever just. become overwhelmed by a sudden out-of-nowhere wave of tenderness and affection and longing for reconnection directed towards someone to whom you no longer speak for Very Good Reasons
#‘out of nowhere’ she says like she hasn’t been doing a lot of reading/thinking recently about various tragic messy breakups#and the later regrets of the parties involved#anyway. tell me not to text her#it’s been over two years since the last time we talked… absolutely no reason to break that streak now. lord give me strength#she was really fucking mean to me! like objectively intentionally unwarrantedly cruel! it ruined an entire year of my life#and fundamentally changed me as a person on a deep level! there’s a lot of things i used to like about myself that i don’t think i’m ever#going to get back#and yet every once in a while we have to do the whole ‘maybe i could make things right’ song and dance 😔#the thing is most of the time i’m not even really angry with her anymore like enough time has passed since all the shit went down that#really i just sort of look at her behavior and feel sad. both because of the impact on me but also because of the ‘that’s really how you#felt you needed to act towards someone who cared about you? you couldn’t have just expressed your feelings in an honest and productive way#instead of just lashing out in the cruelest possible way and ruining the entire relationship beyond hope of repair?’#and i feel bad and sorry that it went that way and honestly i kind of pity her and hope she’s gotten some of her shit worked out#so i’m not like. actively pissed off at her anymore. but also i can’t think about her without thinking about the worst year of my life so 🙃#i don’t actually feel that trying to reopen that door would be very healthy for me at least#we did try a Reconciliation of sorts a couple of months after the initial falling-out and while it was kind of helpful for me in that she#like. apologized lmao. and affirmed that i wasn’t crazy and she did in fact On Purpose say the most hurtful things she possibly could have#said to me given the information she had at her disposal. and that i really had not done anything to her that could warrant that. etc.#it also left a sour enough taste in my mouth that i just don’t see a future where the two of us spending time together is enjoyable for me#and yet… the regret will always live inside me i think. maybe if i were a stronger person…#caseyposting
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shoulder feels like it’s in the wrong place and needs to make a mighty crunch but i keep trying and it just makes weak little clicks and feeling more and more tight and hurting. help! i have joints 👎
#bluejay.txt#my flute professor would Get me for this honestly. it’s definitely from holding tension while i was playing earlier#she’s always all over me for playing with tension and pushing through pain#she’s right but i’m afraid she also doesn’t get that me and my stupid demon collagen are gonna have pain no matter how perfect my posture#but i should fix it as much as i can and i just have so much trouble with that.#at least i don’t play with Visibly bad posture anymore. my elbows are down my neck is up spine is straight knees not locked etc.#used to do all that & looked like the hunchback of notre dame.#now i just hold too much tension bc i’m afraid my shoulders will evacuate the premises (sockets) while i’m playing 💀#which has happened before and is very unpleasant though it doesn’t hurt.#music school moment#i guess#i should have an EDS tag but it would probably just make me sad lmao#man i just want my joints to work right. i would sacrifice the scary shoulder party tricks for less pain and instability fr#been a while since i used this site as a diary like this. hope you all are enjoying it i guess :)
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wanted to put every outfit Sabé wore in visual media on her slide but the amount of variations her Darth Vader comic outfits have depending on the artist and colorist is insane so for her I'll just do the main ones
#it's not Sabé in half of those pictures because it's just representative of what she wore#i'm not hunting down full-body pictures of her in each of the handmaidens outfit#also there are variations on the existing outfits from darth vader and then there... whatever they did in the 2024 fcbd issue#wish they kept that look honestly#the short hair was so nice#starting the personal slides with Sabé was a bad idea because she has everything from everywhere#FUCK she wore a handmaiden battle dress in that one kids' book do i add it#i will#i love Sabé but this is torturous there's just SO MUCH#and i haven't even gotten tow riting down anything more than her birth year#at least i know it won't get any worse than that#this is as bad as it gets#handmaidens guide wip
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you know if they didn't want us to root for the greens they shouldn't have 1) made all the members of team black both very boring and very stupid (or in daemon's case the most awful asshole to have ever lived in the kingdoms at this point in time) and 2) made all the members of team green desperately hot
#personal#house of the dragon#that entire side's collective face card has never declined#alicent? beautiful. aegon? ethereal. helaena? the prettiest girl. aemond? divine bone structure. criston? super hot. otto? rhys is a dilf.#(i mean hell even alys and larys are carrying on house strong hotness after harwin got barbecued)#(just cuz larys is a shit doesn't mean his actor is bad looking)#and honestly even the dragons especially when compared to the awful designs some of the tb dragons have#(caraxes is idk okay and syrax looks awful)#and meanwhile sunfyre? the it girl of westeros. dreamfyre? a queen. vhagar? gilf rights.#and again the only interesting member of team black is rhaenyra herself but i'm sorry she's also got two brain cells to rub together#this should be an easily winnable war for you but you made shit decisions for twenty years straight#and every character surrounding you is a plank of wood there is Nothing there#(why i'm writing my au where the dance is between rhaenyra and daemon and rhaenyra has more of the traditional greens on her side shhhhhhhh
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in my quest to quell my pain ive only hurt myself worse. damned if i do damned if i dont.
#i need better coping mechanisms but it’s so easy to just turn to substances when you’ve never learned how to cope w your emotions#and physical pain. however a lot of it has been brought on by the substance abuse aka i did it to myself#so i probably deserve it#but i started with them in the first place to get rid of pain that was so overwhelming and constant#it feels like every time i do something to preserve myself im punished for it#and im so sick of it. i cant believe its gotten this bad#i drink to help the pain -> i get hungover and the pain is way worse -> i drink to stop that pain#and the worst part is it always works#realistically ive depended on substances for like a decade#i started drinking at 13 and fell into a rut of alcoholism at like 15/16#my mom was going thru a phase of alcoholism and roped me into it so bad if be woken up by her bringing me a drink at 9 am#and we’d drink till she passed out and i had to walk her to bed and cook for everyone and do all the chores#it went on for months one summer#then it was weed and i smoked every day from like 18-22#only thing thwt stopped me from drinking until i started again after both my parents died#i havent recovered since.#im still so traumatized and depressed that i looked for any method of relief#the dph phase was the worst. i think alc is even better than that lmfao it was horrible#once i got access to alc i stopped all that. wouldnt have if i hadnt had alc tho#it’s honestly been one addiction after the other for a decade#and my parents fueled so much of it#‘oh id rarher you drink under my eye than do it behind my back’#BRUH YOU WOULDNT LET ME GO ANYWHERE OR DO ANYTHING. HOW WOULD THWT HAVE HAPPENED#crazy how i was obsessed w drugs and shit by the time i was 10 and i remember thinking wow im gojna grow up to be an addict.#why am i so irreparably fucked up#idk whatever. like im not gonna drink abt it lmao.
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Getting closer, getting really close now I swear (Patreon)
#Doodles#Just Desserts#Villainsona#True Villainy AU#Just ignore how many times I've said that up to this point lol - I'm serious this time!#I always feel so bad designing TVAU outfits because Charm is always so miserable as a model haha#Could this be a contributing factor as to why it's taken so long?? No I enjoy drawing her like that lol#Made some design notes about the important elements of what I want for her True Villain look - more than just ''Her but Kaiein influence''#I'd still really like a nod to dragon scales of some kind but honestly her classic design is more that#Always going on about her spider theming how to make it dragony! It's the one thing I'm still hung up on lol#As for the rest I think it's Really getting close :) I got to actually turn her little ''shawl'' - I always knew it was Kaiein-related -#Into something that properly mimics his shape! It's all controlled by her tho it's not a part of his body - just magic-infused matter#Made to look like him so there's still that creep factor but it's more her body than his - she can control its shape :D#And I got to keep the jewels! Yesss - made it a motif! Now it's also on her hips and knees to break up her visual space yes very good#It's drips :) Y'know - like ink :) Finally figured that one out lol good job setting up my own symbolism me#And then some elegant drapey bits to match her ''shawl'' and continue to break up her space!! Yes! Good!!#I still haven't decided on a colour palette I think black and white is too obvious and too Kaiein but hmmm - she has a lot of colours#Lots of options to pick from but which is the Correct one - her hair would stay pink so maybe some of her pinks or purples#I'll play with some digital swatches later :)#I'm also so glad I could implement the hood design from one of the scrapped outfits ah <3 I love her in a hood she's so cute#I'm rather pleased with the way the spider web design breaks up her form as well - it's more subdued than the full bottom/shoes stripes but#It's also not very clear here lol the long ones that all the way down to her feet are the third from the center ignore that second one#The second lines out from the center host her wings! Very important!#Kinda reminds me of my holosona in a way actually :0 They /are/ both Evil-aligned hmmmm#All the more reason to colour palette! Differentiate the colours in my head#Really do feel like I'm approaching it now fdjsklafd getting close now!!
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The whole "if a person is mad at you it's their responsibility to tell you" thing just made me realize how fucked my situation is. Like just. woah
#who wants to hesr the story of how I lost my irl friends recently (you will I'm spitting everything right now)#anyway so last year one day one of my friends decided to randomly backstab me and she started talking behind my back#and yeah this all made me mad because?? what the fuck#she started talking and revealing stuff that i had confide to her to other people and they slowly started drifting from me#BUt the thing here is that she was manipulating the story. she changed it every time she told stuff to people to make me look bad#i heard one of the things she said about me once and i was like ?? she even make me dislike me in her version which like woa#anyway I didn't understand why she did that because it was ? so random? and then she started ignoring me and has not talked to me ever since#the thing is. she apparently didn't have enough with just doing that. she slowly started to rot my other friends' brains too?#in the sense that. suddenly the rest of my group was ignoring me too. they never said anything to me. or stated that they had a problem#they just ignored me in my face? and yeah that. hurt#recently i found thanks to a third party that one of them decided to stop talking to me because apparently i had hurt her uncountable times#and she was just soo sick and tired of me doing that. which. honestly made me mad because she did not ever express that to me?? so#what was i supposed to do. if she never said anything.#anyway one of my friends confronted her about the treatment they were giving to me. the whole exclusion thing. and her answer was-#”well it's not my fault that she doesn't have more friends and doesn't talk to people”#and i was like. woah. what a poor reply. is that really it.. also apparently they all had agree to stop talking to me as a group-#-and they never informed me so. thank you?#and I'm still here asking what i did to that ex friend of mine. later on i found out she had hooked up with the guy i used to like btw#and she kept it secret. oh and then i started dating my current partner ! person she also felt attracted to. and that's my only explanation.#she started gossiping after what happened with the first guy. so that's really everything that comes to mind as a reason#ANYWAY now that i was at the hospital i didn't receive a single text from any of them. so i guess that was it. people who don't care-#-like that are not friends. those people are not my friends. people who ignore me on purpose and gossip like that are not. my friends#so yeah that's why I've been feeling down lately but ! here I am i ended up ranting so. much#rant#vent#?#woah i actually feel so much better after spitting it all#I'm also following that sour grape advice btw I'm not giving them the privilege of cutting me out. I'M the one who dislikes them now
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