#honestly might be the hardest i’ve cried (at least in a very long time)

[zaddyazula]

not even funny how hard i was crying yesterday like jesus christ

[mobagehelllocal]

“lucky ending” extra notes i & iii

Hi, I said I would do it but then I released ver i so long ago that I felt I shouldn't do this unless I had another version out at least so yay! finally! ... I'll add ver ii here when I get around to writing it... *shifty eyes* So as usual, this is just my thought process and ideas while writing lol.

*please do not read if you haven’t read “lucky ending” ver i (dorm leaders) & ver iii (rook & lilia).

It was inspired by an anon ask and the button tradition from Japanese schools.

The anon ask went like this: First at all, I like do much your writing and I hope you are doing well. Second, I was wondering what would happen if the MC (Fem!s/o I guess) decided to not go back to her world, like she decide stay with her villain? Can you do make headcanons of this for the dorm leaders? Thank you very much. – from Anonymous

The button tradition, as narrated by the first years, is done when one person confesses and the other responds by giving them the button closest to their heart. In most Japanese uniforms it’s the second uniform, but in Twisted Wonderland--I looked at the ceremonial robes and the closest button should be the fifth. Maybe. I could be wrong. 

The songs I listened to while writing this! 

The original dorm leaders (and Rook) was written while listening to “Lucky Ending”, the ending theme of Fruits Basket. The English lyrics (translated by otenkiame!) are: 

“Change is important. I want to do it well,/ but I wanna cry. It's still bad. I wanna cry” 

“The word "goodbye" has disappeared completely from this world/ All that remains is me fooling around next to you/A day you don't laugh won't come anymore”

“I've understood it since being here/ These feelings of wanting to protect you aren't a misunderstanding/ If we can call what connects us bonds,/ everything changes/ everybody changes/ Even if in a different world, it'll never be different/ everything changes/ everybody changes/ Don't change, ever/ Stay here, stay here”

I think it’s obvious why I chose to use this as the title of the series. It’s a story about change but it’s also a story about the things you don’t want to change... And I think it’s not wrong to want to hold onto things. 

I also listened to the same playlist that I listened to while writing “wendy?” “hello peter pan”:

“Can’t help falling in love” cover by Annapantsu, “If you’re not the one” by David Beddingfield, “Who Knew” by P!nk and “All Too Well” by Taylor Swift. 

For Lilia in particular, I was listening to three Beauty and the Beast songs on loop. “Evermore” by Josh Groban, “Days in the Sun” by the live action cast and, of course--”How does a moment last forever” by Celine Dion.

“How does a moment last forever?/ How can a story never die?/ It is love we must hold onto/ Never easy, but we try/ Sometimes our happiness is captured/ Somehow, our time and place stand still/ Love lives on inside our hearts and always will”

Also for Lilia, Tolerate It by Taylor Swift.

“You're so much older and wiser and I/ I wait by the door like I'm just a kid”

“I made you my temple, my mural, my sky/Now I'm begging for footnotes in the story of your life”

Malleus was definitely the first piece finished. Closely followed by Vil’s. I believe there was a gap inbetween them before I did the others? I wrote bits and pieces of Leona, Idia, Kalim and Azul’s. I think I finished Leona, Idia, Kalim then Riddle because I distinctly remember saving Azul for last. 

One of the most important things for me, is that each story stands distinct of each other. So I gave myself a really hard time trying to figure out how each one uniquely belonged to each of the characters.

For the Prologue... I think because it’s set at the graduation of certain characters, I used that to my advantage and implied the stronger bonds between the Yuu!Reader and the entirety of the cast. Because a lot of time has passed and I feel like--regardless of what other people believe, bonds will be made and relationships will have strengthened enough for it to happen. 

Riddle is honestly another really difficult character for me to write. I generally do love him and I enjoy his story, but something about him is difficult and I’m not sure why. 

I think a part of me is also really miffed because from Heartslabyul-Savanaclaw, you could feel that Riddle really cared for Yuu on some level but then he just straight up disappears come Octavinelle chapter. I feel like there was potential to develop their relationship even more. 

He WENT UP AND TIED YOUR RIBBON I REMEMBER I WENT DOKI DOKI OVER THAT. 

I feel like because I’ve established that it’s a Yuu!Reader, it’s impossible for this story to not include both Ace and Deuce. So of course they featured in really big roles for this one, being responsible for telling Riddle the story.

I have to thank my friend, Mes, for bouncing ideas with me. They were the one who suggested what I could do with Riddle’s story by having ADeuce play such a big part!

I also tried my hardest to include Trey and Cater, and I’m pretty happy with their cameo. In a way, they definitely helped Riddle figure out his own feelings for you. 

My favourite lines are: “I think you earned that much. I don’t believe anyone’s ever been in your situation before so—there’s no right or wrong about what you’re doing. It’s all about what you want to do.”

I wish someone would tell this to Yuu in general though. They’re the only one who has ever been in their situation (to our knowledge at least) and like... they’re definitely allowed to be even more selfish. 

Leona is someone who I used to dislike a lot. I never hid that. It’s primarily because of how disappointed I am in the story of Savanaclaw probably. But like, I was always concerned about writing him properly because I thought that it was only right that I did right by him, because there would be people reading these stories who loved him. And I felt like I had to do right by that love. 

I think... it’s wrong to believe that characters... villains... cannot fall in love or “won’t fall in love.” I think it’s wrong also to think that “people don’t change for love.” 

In fact, people do change. You definitely shouldn’t change yourself to be loved, but... people change all the time to be their “better” selves. So whose to say that a good person, who you love, will not make you want to improve yourself? Isn’t that what we want when we meet people? To fall in love with someone who will ultimately make you better and never worse. 

Or so that’s how I try to write the Twisted characters when they fall in love... With an understanding that “morally” the person they are falling for is “kind” and “good” and how a part of them might just want to be better just for that person. (Especially Leona and Azul). They don’t necessarily have to be nice to everyone, but if they can be better for one person... We stan healthy character growth.  

But yeah, Leona is driven by understanding that he’s a very selfish person. But that he’s also very unfortunate and he doesn’t want tie you with someone who, he thinks, is actually worthless. He probably, deeply, thinks you deserve more.

Though his selfishness eventually wins out and well... Won’t you forgive him for it? :) For tying you down to this worthless second prince? 

I think his own self-awareness does make him try harder. Not for everyone or everything... but for you. Just for you. I think that would be Leona’s love language--spending time with you, trying for you.

He’d appreciate if you didn’t call him out on it though, that would be very embarrassing. 

Looking back, I’m surprised that it was the only version where none of the other boys from his dorm showed up lol. Which means Ruggie is the sole character who has yet to appear in the “lucky ending” series, huh.

My favourite lines from his story that still leaves me breathless and patting my past self in the back: ““I’m home—” you said—even if a part of you felt that home should have been two green eyes, a cocky smirk, and a warm patch of sunlight on the grassy ground.”

Like honestly, what was I on? Who was she?

Azul is, like Leona, someone who is so keenly aware of the things he’s lacking. In fact, he’s someone who thinks he’s lacking when he’s probably perfect in some aspects. He might act proud but a part of him--I think--thinks its not enough. It’s never enough. He can certainly do better still.

In that light, it’s why he thinks he’s undeserving of a partner. Especially one who is “kind” and “understanding.” While ultimately, Azul deserves people in his life who are that and “accepting” of him--I think he still thinks he doesn’t. 

And thats why he lets go of the Yuu!Reader. It’s why he doesn’t “chase” after her like Leona did.

It’s because he’s selfish, because he wants her--that he forces himself to let go. 

Azul needs someone who’ll tell him that he is worth something and that he’s definitely worth the effort. So please praise him a lot until he’s crying in happiness. I’m sure it’s the one thing he’s always wanted to hear from people around him.

Also my Poly!Octavinelle Agenda has never died and I am pleased Past!Ai got away with so much Poly!Octa hints in this story lol. But honestly, regardless of wht Octavinelle says... god, you can tell they genuinely care about each other.

I recently rewatched Octavinelle’s chapter and... by god, the amount of things I missed out on first watch. Jade’s concern when he realized Azul wanted to get rid of that photo... The fact Floyd was so willing to drop the fight to return to Azul too... Anyways, Poly!Octa Agenda for life.

Favourite lines: “Azul’s pathetic whimpers turned into guttural sobs. His fingers spread to cover his eyes—and his glasses slid off his face, down to his lap and then to the ground—at his actions. His whole body shook as he cried his heart out.”

It’s not as poetic as a lot of my other favourites, but for some reason these lines always get me when I reread them. There’s something so visceral about it. 

Azul’s piece is probably the least visually stimulating out of all these stories? His was so emotionally driven compared to the others and I worried a lot about that.

I think I remember I was crying so badly as I was writing this. 

Kalim is really hard for me because I feel like I struggle a lot with finding conflict in his character? He’s such a genuinely nice person, I find it hard to believe that the Yuu!Reader would feel alienated from him or something. So I brought in “environment” to get in the way. 

My use of celestial imagery for Kalim is because of the Scarabia trailer! I really loved how it put Kalim as the sun and Jamil as the moon. I definitely will take advantage of that when I get around to writing for Jamil.

So because I wanted to use the sun, I chose to use the idea of comets for Kalim? I think I remember something about how meteors are drawn to the gravitation pull of the sun and can “escape” it or “be destroyed” by it. Haha, hot. 

Jamil is someone who ultimately cares about Kalim too and I had fun writing his banter with the Yuu!Reader. I think I wanted to decribe the shadows licking his face reminscent to the marks from his Overblot but... I felt like doing that would give Jamil too much focus so I ultimately decided against it.

It would’ve been hot though. 

Oh yes, one thing I wanted to talk about is Kalim’s rushed proposal. I remember people talking about it in the tags, comments... even in asks at that time. The reason he does it is because he’s someone who didn’t realize his feelings until you spelled out your own. It was a sort of: “Oh. Right. That is the word I’d use to describe my feelings.” 

My favourite lines from his story is: “How does one bid goodbye to the sun?” and “No one ever willingly bids goodbye to the sun.They spend the rest of their lives trying to find the right way back to it.”

My god, who was this genius.

Vil is probably the most visually stunning out of all these stories. I feel like my stories go from super vivid imagery and setting to just complete emotional disasters lol. (Vil being the former and Azul’s being the latter... not that it’s bad, it actually suits the characters). 

Oh man, I remember thinking that Vil is such a hard character to write because we don’t know what his motivation for perfection is. All we knows is that he wants to be the best but, why? 

It’s like, for example, Idia. His motivations could be otaku-related. He doesn’t want to go to class because he’d rather go play or something. That sounds in character--but Vil was so hard because he wanted perfection.

But we already see him as such a perfect character, so what else did he need to be even more perfect? In that light, Chapter 5 did a really good job on presenting Vil’s motivations. 

But honestly, I think I can comfortably say that the Vil I’ve written so far is pretty accurate? To his character. I’m really grateful I read his chat lines because his comment about intelligence really got me thinking about his possible motivations. It made it really easy to understand that Vil wasn’t like majority of the real world’s influencers. 

One other thing that I was really happy about with his story is the use of the flower language. It’s something I hope I can use more because it’s so beautiful. 

Oh! And the roses the Yuu!Reader talks about are double delight roses. They are specifically bred to have two colors--yellow in the center and pink on the outside. I thought it fitting that the Yuu!Reader breed special roses for Vil.

They can be called... err... Vil Roses?

My favourite lines from his story is:  ““My happiness will not be dictated by others—no, Vil Schoenheit is a person who will grasp happiness with his own hands.” [...] “I’m giving you this button because I’ve already found happiness by your side.”” 

This line was actually inspired by Zelda C.W.’s MYth series. Specifically Hera’s story, Will. 

Idia ...for him, I somehow had a very hard time imagining him trying to tell the reader to stay. Like that didn’t compute for me? I felt like his version was better approached in a more comedic light somehow. 

I also felt that it would be cuter if the Yuu!Reader had already chosen to stay and Idia would need to hastily retrack his confession... Unfortunately, Yuu!Reader won’t let him. 

Honestly looking back on it, I wonder how much of Chapter 6 is going to make me scream and want to rewrite Idia’s part? 

My favourite lines from his story is: “He was never particularly good at lying—nor was he good at keeping secrets from you. You were a person he considered a dear friend—and he was always the type of person who ended up spilling everything to you. He liked being able to talk about the things he enjoyed—he liked that he had found someone who wanted to hear him out.”

A lot of my interpretation for Idia is closely linked to personal experience as an anime, manga and gaming fan. It was just a couple of years ago where people would actually be bullied for liking these things--but nowadays its become a norm. It’s... stunning actually but it makes me happy to know that maybe nobody will be judged for loving anime.

That being said, Idia’s longing to find someone he can talk to is something I really relate too--back then, it was so difficult to find someone to talk to about my interests... So I interpreted Idia as much the same. That what he enjoys about the Yuu!Reader is their ability to simply sit and listen to him talk. 

Malleus... man, recently I’ve been starting to fall in love with him all over again. He was my first oshi ever... Anyways, moving on. You think I’ve talked enough about immortal x mortal but nope, we are not done. I love this theme in general, romantic or platonic. 

I will never shut up about it you can’t make me. 

Sebek having a good enough friendship with Yuu!Reader is such a delicious concept. Like mutual respect and Sebek understanding that Yuu!Reader gives Malleus a different type of companionship that Sebek, Silver or Lilia couldn’t... 

And also, ultimately, Sebek and Yuu!Reader do love Malleus. In different ways, but I like the thought of Sebek respecting that and respecting the Yuu!Reader.

Me realizing just now that Silver joins Ruggie in the: “has never appeared in a lucky ending fic club.”... Sorry Silver, I swear soon. Once we get more content on you.

Celestial themes for Malleus are primarily, again, because he only ever seemed to meet you at night. And I thought it would be wonderful, if you were a bright spark to him. 

Favourite lines are definitely:  “Oh, bright light… I would prefer to live the rest of your life by your side… rather than spend centuries contemplating what it could have felt… to hold you in my arms.”

I am, always, going to be such a big sucker for the idea of immortals constantly remembering and loving mortals. Always holding them close in their memories, because in that way--their lovers have become immortal with them. 

I also like to imagine that he eventually figures out a way to connect your worlds together so you can still talk to your friends and family from that world. He is one of the most powerful magicians around, I’m sure its possible.

Rook was honestly the most difficult piece for me to write because he’s so hard(?) for me to understand. He’s a mess of contradictions honestly and I... guess I’m excited to see what he’ll do come Chapter 6. 

I actually rewrote his story so much. I got about 500 words with a different idea/plot in mind before deleting that completely and restarting from scratch. 

I feel like Rook is someone who talks big and talks about love without actually knowing what it truly might feel like. He’s someone who doesn’t understand it and ends up mistaking it for his fascination. 

Aside from me enjoying inserting other characters from the same dorm as much as possible, I felt that Vil was the perfect person to snap some sense into Rook.

Epel’s appearance there is basically to reflect how much I really hope the first year kids get really close to one another. 

Rook is also someone who I think, doesn’t try to explain himself too much. He’s someone who I think talks a lot, but if people don’t understand him then he doesn’t need to be understood? That’s my impression. Lol, when “lucky ending” became a character study. 

I also really loved the idea that Rook was fine with people running from him--to him that makes it all the more thrilling. But then you start running away from him and that just ends up making dread pool in his stomach. 

My favourite lines from his story: “‘When something ends, it must be sad. So, tell me then, how an ending could be so beautiful?’ [...] .‘But there was one ending that was beautiful, non?’ [...] ‘That’s right. ‘They lived happily ever after’—are those not the words that define a beautiful ending?’”

I used the dusk metaphor for Rook. My idea is that he starts seeing dusk as an ending and how he can’t fathom how any “ending” is beautiful. When a story ends, it’s not beautiful to him, humu. But when that ending is the happily ever after then... That makes all the difference. 

Lilia was actually easier than Rook’s but also fairly difficult. I had written the middle of Lilia’s piece while stumped on Rook’s actually. Lilia’s was probably easier because I love the idea of immortals and mortals.

I don’t really like the idea of mortals becoming immortals. Like, yes, it’s certainly sweet and spending eternity with a one true love is definitely the best possible ending but... I think there’s so much weight in an immortal choosing to love a mortal while knowing that they will ultimately lose them.

The biggest theme for Lilia is definitely time.

Thinking about it now... There’s been a lot of things in real life that’s just... Made me think about how we have less time than we actually think we have. And I think I ended up channeling that through Lilia... Though I feel like it is ultimately things Lilia would think about though. 

The most important imagery would probably be the stars.

I honestly wanted to avoid it because I used celestial imagery for both Kalim and Malleus but the words just flowed out in a way that I felt that I couldn’t replace. So I went with it. 

Lilia is no stranger to loneliness. One of the reasons he feels less alone is because he has family now and he doesn’t want to rob you of that. Family is so important to him because they are people who are meant to be with you--they are people who will make you less lonely--or so thats how I think? he thinks. 

My favourite lines from his story: “He would relish in the way—You made the world pause. You made a moment extend into an eternity. You made an immortal crave just a little more time.”

I’m so immensely proud of this one? I don’t really have much else to say. There’s something so raw about it that I love. Also the part where it continues on to say that  “Because there is never enough time.”

Me realizing my extra notes is just half me simping over these characters, half sharing headcanons, have actually giving good advice? perspective?, half song lyrics, half character study/analysis?

“lucky ending” is about change. Whether we want them to happen or not it’s... the human condition to change. For better or worse, we change--day by day. I think we all operate under a small panic about how everyday things are changing...

But “lucky ending” is also about the things that don’t change. Won’t change. Will never change. The things worth holding onto, the thing worth fighting for... or so I’d like to think.

[mckinlily]

ok so i am love with your writing and your foster care au (it’s so good!!!) and i wanted to ask if you had any other headcanons/deleted scenes/puns or basically anything related to it. (no pressure if you don’t but your writing is incredible and i adore this au so i wanted to ask)

Oh my goodness, Nonnie!! Do I have more for the foster care au? Do I??? My dear friend, I have a two page document just listing out fics I still want to write in this au, and I've only written two out of the list. How did the au get this big?! [laugh-cries]

Honestly, the hardest part of answering your ask is deciding which headcanons to share verses wait to write it into fic to share in a more polished state. I want to share it all, but I am not a fast writer (why????).

I working on a longer Allura-centeric fic for this au (you didn't think I'd leave her OUT did you?), but it's causing me some pacing issues so I've been working on that one for...like a year? More? [deep sigh] I WILL finish it. But you, Nonnie, will be happy to know that you also inspired me to go through the edits of a Hunk-centric oneshot which is finished. So that should be coming out soon!

But you asked for some headcanons, and I am so incredibly delighted by that! (I thought I was going to be the only person really interested in this au). So let's see what headcanons I can share, hopefully that I haven't shared before.

These are going to be Shiro-centric since...that's where my mind went today (anyone surprised?):

Shiro's main (only) method for dealing with his mental health is exercise.

He and Keith will go for runs around the neighborhood, even if it's bitter cold and the sidewalks are literal sheets of ice. Self preservation was never a strong suit of theirs.

The others are invited, of course, but they always decline for some reason. Or, in Pidge's case, declare they are "allergic to running."

(In Pidge's defense...valid.)

Shiro also works out at the local gym nearly daily.

He's found that if he does things like weight training regularly, particularly working on his off-balance upper body, his body punishes him at least less for whatever the hell Honvera did to him.

But, obviously, they're poor and can't just afford a gym membership.

Fortunately Shiro is hot, the middle-aged secretary at the gym is severely lacking attractive men in her life, and Shiro is a very good liar.

The first time he made a big deal about losing his card and belonging there--and whether she believed him or not, she lets him in without checking his account every time after that. Though not without some winks or suggestive smiles.

Shiro goes red. Every. Single. Time.

The kids tease him about it mercilessly. Shiro very well might never have been as embarrassed in his life.

But, well, he needs the work out time to clear his head. And he could never afford it if he had to pay for it.

So...slightly flirtatious secretary it is. At least she seems to find his blushing cute. Oh g-d, does that make it better or worse?!!

Shiro and the kids have very elaborate and often nonsensical codes they use to communicate with each other, including over text.

The most ridiculous codewords and phrases were made up by Lance and Pidge. No one dares ask for their thought process.

"Strawberry pancakes" for instance means "I want to skip school."

Most the code talk seems silly and non-sensical until you start to realize why they started coming up with such complicated ways to communicate with each other.

Shiro curling three fingers over his opposite bicep, for instance, means, "I'm lying to the adults, don't believe me." There are variations on the gesture that mean "Stay quiet" or "Collaborate my story" or "Hide" or, most importantly, "RUN!"

In truth, their non-verbal codes are probably even more complex and convoluted than their verbal ones. They lived for a long time when they needed to be able to communicate without anyone knowing that they were.

On the other hand, this makes them a terrifying team to go up against in, say, paint ball or laser tag. Someone starts singing "Toxic" by Britney Spears, and seconds later you're surrounded by all five and being efficiently, terrifyingly taken down.

(Keith: "I'm still mad you made me learn that song." Lance: "I regret nothing.")

Thank you so much for the ask!!! You have no idea how delighted this made me. If you have specific questions/headcanon requests for this au (or really any of my aus), send them along! I'm happy to answer!

[kindahoping4forever]

Do You Hear What I Hear? // Ashton Irwin

Day 2 of Hoe For The Hoe-lidays! Thanks to everyone who read/shared/yelled at us for yesterday’s offerings and if you missed out, all stories posted so far are linked in the event masterlist below. Cass has already posted her 🥵 Cal blurb for the day over on @cal-puddies​​ so be sure and check that out too!

This might be my fav that I’ve written for the week and I’m excited to hear what y’all think! 

Warnings: Sneaky, sleepy, sweet Boyfriend!Ash lovin’ on Christmas morning. Unprotected sex within an established relationship. 

Word Count: 1585

Hoe For The Hoe-lidays Masterlist

Masterlist // Taglist and Ko-Fi linked above

Let  me  know  what  you  think!

"Baby…" He whispers, voice cautious, reprimanding. “What if someone saw you?!”

You invite yourself into his bed and despite his hesitation, he instinctively wraps his arms around you, pulling you close against his chest. "Ash, it's the middle of the night, no one's awake to see me. And I missed you," you reassure him, voice muffled against the waffled fabric of his shirt.

When you called your mom to confirm plans for your Christmas visit, you can't say you were surprised to hear her casually but pointedly mention that your room was ready and they'd also cleared out the guest room for Ashton.

Your parents had always been old-fashioned and while you often found it endearing, lying in bed by yourself instead of snuggling your boyfriend in the early morning hours of Christmas had you questioning that sentiment.

After hours of tossing and turning, you impulsively made your way to the guest room, impressing yourself with how well you remember from your youthful days of sneaking around which floorboards are the creaky ones.

He presses his lips to your forehead. "Missed you too, baby. Hard to sleep without you," he confesses. "Can't remember the last night we weren't in the same bed, can you?"

You answer as you burrow yourself further into his side and he quietly chuckles at how unintelligible it is. He gently pokes you and you squeak, peeking out at him. "I said probably not since your last tour and that was over a year ago," you point out. "Even the nights I manage to get back to my place, you end up coming with me. For such an intellectual, you really don't know how to take a hint."

Ash gives an offended "hey!" and grabs you by the waist to roughhouse with you; in your playful scuffle, the legs of his silk pajama pants ride up slightly and your cold skin brushes against him. "JESUS woman, your legs are ice, what the fuck?!" He whisper-shouts in disbelief.

You pull a face at him. “I’m wearing shorts because I’m used to sleeping next to your radiator ass so technically my ice legs are your fault. Thus it’s your job to warm me up, dude,” you declare.

Even in the dark you can see the grin spreading across his face. “Oh, I’ll warm you up,” he mutters under his breath. You giggle as he brushes his hand across your face to kiss you slowly and softly. He murmurs against your lips, “Thanks for coming to see me.”

“Couldn’t let you spend the night alone, 'specially not on Christmas," you coo. You turn to your side to snuggle into him and smirk to yourself when you’re greeted by his stiff cock poking your ass. “Mmm, here I was thinking you were being sweet but it turns out you’re just happy that now you won’t have a blue Christmas.”

You feel your hair blow off your face as he exhales a laugh. “I was asleep! Give me a break,” he chuckles, nudging you forward. “And not to place blame anywhere besides nature, but you have been wiggling around quite a bit since you got in here.”

You shoot a pout over your shoulder. “I’m trying to stay warm, it’s cold!”

“Then wear pants! Oh my god,” he snickers into your shirt, pulling the neckline over with his teeth just enough for him to kiss the back of your shoulder. “Nice work on the blue balls joke by the way: subtle, holiday themed, good stuff.”

You grin as you grind against him, enjoying the sensation of him hard between your cheeks. “Oh but baby, there is nothing funny about this,” you sigh, feeling yourself get more and more turned on with each roll of your hips.

Ashton’s touch feels searingly hot in the cold air as his hand glides across your neck to tilt your chin for a kiss. It’s slow, needy and sensual, just like all your favorite morning encounters with him. His hand sneaks underneath your long sleeve tee, dancing across your stomach before shooting up to tug at your nipples. You continue moving against him until you can’t help yourself any longer and you reach behind you to squeeze him through his pajamas.

He groans into your mouth and nibbles gently at your bottom lip. “You sure, baby?” He asks quietly.

You stroke him through his pants, eyes clouding with arousal. “They won’t be awake for hours,” you promise him. He first makes a displeased noise when you stop touching him, then a hungry one when he sees you stripping off your bottoms. He pulls himself out of his pants while you settle back in.

He moves in closer behind you and you lean into him, reaching between your legs to grab his cock; you grind on it a little more, coating him with your wetness before pushing him slowly inside you.

You twist slightly so you can capture his mouth in a kiss, hoping to muffle the satisfied sighs you're dying to make. He sinks in further and further and by the time he's buried inside you, you're panting into his mouth and his hands are back under your shirt, gripping your breasts maybe a little rougher than intended, you just feel that damn good he doesn't know what to do with himself.

"Feel so full from this angle, fuck," you whisper, choking back a whine.

Ash begins to move and you both quietly gasp at how intense it is. After a few thrusts, he adjusts your legs slightly, bringing one back over his, opening you up more. "Too tight like that, baby, was gonna be over way too quick," he explains gruffly.

He rocks into you and you whimper at how deep he's able to hit now. "Not gonna be very long for me regardless, babe," you admit, sliding your hand inside his sleeve to dig your nails into the skin of his forearm.

"Oh yeah? All the sneaking around get you going?" He teases, dragging your earlobe between his teeth.

You start moving your hips along with him, hoping the extra movement doesn’t increase the noise level too much. “Honestly, maybe,” you giggle. “How’s it feel knowing I’m willing to blow up an entire holiday for your dick?”

“You said you missed me,” he protests in mock offense. A small pinch stings your ass and you giggle even more. “Thought you wanted to cuddle, turns out you were trying to get laid.”

“You’ve spoiled me, can’t even go one night without having your cock put me to sleep,” you reply cheekily, clenching around him just to hear his reaction.

The strained groan that results satisfies you more than you anticipated. “Gonna get us both in trouble,” he huffs, grabbing on to your leg for leverage as he pumps into you faster. “Can’t have the whole family knowing what their precious baby girl is really up to.”

Your hand trails down your body to find your clit and you massage it briskly, in time with his thrusts. “Your baby girl now,” you reply. Your remark gets a belabored growl out of him as you expected but it's your own moans that ring out through the stillness of the bedroom.

Ashton shushes you, hand flying to cover your mouth; if you’re being honest, both of these things only turn you on more and his hand muffles another series of cries. “Come on, baby, need you to cum for me before you wake everyone up,” he encourages you, grunting himself as he feels your pussy flutter.

You try your hardest to keep your whines in but he hits your spot in exactly the way you need and a few escape your lips as your body tenses and you pulse around his cock; you feel his hand clasp tighter over your mouth and you swear it sends another wave of tremors through you.

His breath is frantic and heavy against your skin as he fucks you through it; you’re squeezing him so tightly you’re surprised he’s still able to move inside you. He buries his face in your hair, weakly murmuring your name as his rhythm stutters and he fills you with cum.

You reach up to stroke his hair and he lazily pecks along your neck as you both come down. The mood is quiet but affectionate as he quickly helps you clean up but you’re a little surprised he doesn’t object when you climb back under the covers with him instead of heading back to your room.

“Wanna sleep in here with you,” you explain, sighing in relief as his arms envelop you once more. “I’ll leave before anyone’s up, don’t worry.”

“Whatever you think, baby,” Ash responds sleepily, squeezing your shoulder.

“Oh now that you got it in, you don’t care what happens anymore? I see,” you tease, playfully pushing a cold foot under his pant leg.

He snorts. “You snuck over to come on to me, icy girl,” he shoots back. “Lucky for me, at least there’s one part of you that’s still warm.” He pinches your inner thigh, just in case you didn’t get his point.

You gasp in mock horror, “Disrespecting your own girlfriend in her family home on Christmas?” You jab his side repeatedly until he pins your wrists to your chest and kisses you sweetly.

“I’m glad we got to have our own little holiday,” he whispers. “Merry Christmas, baby.”

You smile as you snuggle into him, eyes feeling heavier by the second. “Merry Christmas, Ash.”

————-

Taglist issues again so my apologies if you get notif’d more than once (or not at all)

@mymindwide​​ @suchalonelysunflower​​​ @pxrxmoore​​ @loveroflrh​​ @ghostofmashton​​ @sexgodashton​​ @feliznavidaddycal​​  

@castaway-cashton​​ @ashtonlftv​​ @cashtonasfuck​​ @megz1985​​ @ashdork-irwin​​ @angelicfluffs​​ @findingliam-o​​ @youngbloodchild​​  @irwinsbetch​​ @everyscarisahealingplace​​

@wiildflower-xxx @metalandboybands  @realisticnotes  @makeamovehemmings @golden166​ @burstintocolor

@mfartzzz​​​ @babyoria​​​ @petunias-pet​ @youngblood199456​​​ @notinthesameguey​​​ @seanna313​​​  @zhangyixingxing1​​​ @stardust-galaxies​​​  @zackoid​​​

@lovelybonesetc​​​ @xsongxbirdx​​​ @justhereforcalum​​​   @ashtonangst​​

@laura66sos​​​ @calumrose​​​ @karajaynetoday​​​  @pilunb​​​ @jazzyangel242​​​ @babylon-corgis​​​  @heyheyhaleyd​​​ @calmsweetcreature​​​

@spicycal​​​ @talkfastromance4​​​  @holystxne​​​

@meetmedowntown​​​ @myloverboyash​​​

@irwindoll​​​ @cheekysos​​​ @carrielfisher​​​ @lukedorkyhemmings​​​ @creampiecashton​​​ @lovelywordsblog​​​

@trix-arent-for-kids​ @uh-huhh-honey​ @tobefalling​ @aladyofalbion​ @likehuhdude​

@curlycalums​​​  @cxddlyash​​​  @reddesert-healourblues​​​

@fedorable-killjoys​​​  @iamcalumswhore​​​   @i-like-5sos​​​   @Too-et-moi215

@photochic18  @kouska901 @Indermeow  @dantord

[brutal-nemesis]

E&T: Unfamiliar

Things are finally gonna get LABBY boys, I’m fuckin excited. Also this got so fuckin long so I Apologize

←Previous - Masterlist - Next→

Ingredients: noncon touching (like. a lot. but its unsexy), painful magical healing, unsexy nudity (bro just takes a shower it ain’t graphic), emeto mention, drugging, noncon surgery mention

PART II: Monster Without A Name

The things that hit him first were the brightness of the sun and the overwhelming heat. They had teleported into a sort of palace garden, similar to the one they had just left, but at the same time not similar at all. As Erebus was led away, he couldn’t help but look around in terrified fascination. Everything about this place was so different, from the color of the stones to the plants to the way people were dressed, making it clear just how far from home he was. He tried to focus on the allure of seeing so many new things instead of the feeling of isolation that was closing in on him. 

Erebus knew that every step he took would lead him closer to his fate, but honestly, all had been lost the moment he had arrived in Taiyorum, so he let Rhys pull him along. He tried to remember the way, but there were so many twists and turns and steps going down and unfamiliar sights that he quickly got lost. Eventually, they stopped in front of a door. “I think I’ve got him from here,” Neteri said, taking the leash from the guard, “thanks, Rhys.” He nodded and left them. Erebus steeled himself as Neteri opened the door and ushered him inside.

The cell was larger than the one in Nathar, and Neteri hadn’t lied when she’d said it would be nicer, but then again that wasn’t a very hard requirement to meet. It had a bed along the right-hand wall and a desk on the left, with a small chest of drawers against the back wall. There was a door at the foot of the bed, though Erebus couldn’t quite see what it led to. He was too caught up in looking around to notice what Neteri was doing until he felt something cold clamp around his ankle. Why had he been expecting not to be chained up again? At least it wasn’t his wrists, and he would’ve been mortified if she had just attached the leash to the wall. Thankfully, she removed both it and the rope around just wrists. He stretched, happy to have his arms free for the first time in days.

“Alright, let’s get you fixed up for good. Do you need help taking your shirt off?” Erebus shook his head and gently pulled it off before sitting down in one of the two chairs in the room. She sat across from him and held out her hand. “Let me do your arm first.” He offered it to her, and she held onto his wrist as she gently unwound the bandage. She inspected the wound and nodded before placing two fingers on one end of the gash. “I know this is gonna hurt, but please try to keep your arm as still as possible.” Erebus nodded, bracing himself as she muttered the spell’s activation word, her fingertips beginning to glow faintly. She traced them slowly down the wound, and he gritted his teeth as an intense, itching pain lit up his arm. Thankfully, it was over soon enough, but he knew there was still a lot more to come.

His back was next, and he couldn’t help but wince as she removed the bandages around his torso, partially because of the pain and partially because the brand hadn’t mysteriously disappeared overnight as he had hoped. She had him turn around, and he hugged the back of the chair tightly as she healed each lash, pressing his forehead against the wood and fighting to keep himself from crying out. It was like he was being whipped all over again, each wound burning with agony as it was closed up. Every time he thought she might be done, she placed her fingers on another wound and the pain came back anew. After what felt like hours, she finally stopped. “You did great, Erebus! I think that was the hardest part, so your chest shouldn’t be as bad. We’re almost there.” 

As far as the pain, she wasn’t exactly wrong. The healing of his chest was a little less intense, a little less itchy. But he had watched her start to trace the burns, daring to hope that the healing would erase them completely, and instead saw them morph into very prominent scars. He screwed his eyes shut, he couldn’t watch that symbol get put on him a second time. He gripped the sides of the chair tightly, reminding himself he wasn’t up on that podium, there weren’t hundreds of eyes trained on him, he wasn’t screaming in front of them all. When Neteri was finished, he pulled his shirt back on as quickly as he could, covering up the brand along with the memories.

“There we go! Now,” she stood and smoothed her skirt, “I have unpacking and whatnot to take care of, so I’ll be back in a few hours. In the meantime you can get yourself cleaned up.” She gestured to the closed door and then paused for a moment, narrowing her eyes. “You can, like, do that yourself, right?” Erebus nodded, giving her an odd look. He hadn’t been that pampered. She held her hands up defensively. “Okay, just making sure. Oh, and that chain is enchanted so clothes pass through it, which is great because that means you’re not stuck wearing the same pair of pants for forever! There should be clean clothes in there, by the way.” She pointed at the chest of drawers. “Alright I think that’s it. I’ll be back eventually.”

Once Neteri was gone, Erebus took a deep breath and let it out with a sigh. He was tempted to just bury his face in the pillow and cry and process everything, but he knew he needed to wash all the blood and dirt off himself first. The door Neteri had pointed to led to a small bathroom. His gaze went to the left first, where there was a sink with a mirror above it.

Upon seeing his reflection in the mirror, Erebus flinched. It was the first time he’d seen himself since his capture, not that there was much left that he recognized. Gone was his long, beautiful hair, his fine clothes, his prince’s circlet, and the smile that he’d always worn so effortlessly. The person looking back at him was defeated, collared like an animal, his eyes filled with grief and dried blood smeared around his mouth. And while his short hair didn’t necessarily look bad, it still wasn’t him in the slightest. Maybe Erebus really had died two days ago, and this was just...some other person looking back at him. Unable to bear the sight anymore, he tore his gaze away and looked around the rest of the bathroom.

He didn’t see a bathtub, so he wasn’t exactly sure how Neteri expected him to wash himself. There was a drain in the floor near the wall across from the sink with a couple bottles of soap nearby. And there, on the wall, there was some sort of lever. He hesitantly pulled it, unsure if it was a door handle or what, and suddenly found himself being sprayed with water. He cried out and jumped back to find that the water didn’t follow him. It appeared to be coming out of an oddly shaped piece of metal protruding from the wall that he hadn’t noticed before. It was like...an intense little rainstorm. While part of him found this new technology interesting, the other part was disappointed he wouldn’t even get the comfort of a bath.

Regardless, he still wanted to get clean. He removed his now wet clothes and stepped back into the water. It was freezing cold, but he soon figured out that pulling the lever further down made the water warmer. He felt a lump forming in his throat as he started washing his hair. He’d always loved taking time to care for it, and now it barely took a minute. It shouldn’t be worth getting upset over, and he knew it would grow back, but he couldn’t help missing it. He just didn’t feel like himself without it. And as he moved onto washing his body, the feeling lingered.

Before he knew it he was scrubbing furiously, not just trying to get off the blood and grime, but the feeling of hands, ropes, chains, that he could still feel trapping him, forcing him towards this destiny he didn’t want any part of. But he couldn’t get it to go away, even as the physical reminders of his captivity washed off. No, that wasn’t entirely true either. His wrists were still chafed, his ankle was still chained to the wall, his chest was still branded, his neck still had that horrible collar around it, and his mouth was still very much missing a tongue. He couldn’t forget where he was or what had happened to him for a single second. 

At some point he’d gotten off everything he could, so pulled the lever to stop the little rainstorm and dried off with the towel hanging on a nearby hook. He pulled a clean set of clothes out of the chest of drawers and got dressed. They weren’t anywhere near as nice as what he was used to, but they were an improvement compared to what he’d had on before. He collapsed on the bed, staring blankly at the ceiling. This was it, huh? Day after day he was going to wake up here and go through...experiments. He shuddered, pushing the thought out of his mind. Dwelling on it would only make him upset, and did not want Neteri coming back and seeing him sobbing. He’d already cried in front of her once today, and that was pathetic enough. 

Upon searching the desk, he found a blank notebook and a pencil, so he busied himself with drawing cats and plants and writing his name. He was never the best artist, and people always told him the way he wrote the “r” in his name was strange, but it was something else to focus on. After a while, Neteri came back with a notebook of her own and looked at his scribblings with mild interest.

 “Was that left in the desk? Huh. Well, whatever. I’m going to need you to stand up and take your shirt off again.” Erebus simply leaned back and raised an eyebrow. “What? It’s nothing painful, I just need to make some observations and take some measurements. And if you don’t cooperate I’ll just get Rhys again and we can take you down to the lab and strap you to the table.” She shrugged. “Either way.” Erebus sighed in defeat and did as she asked. He desperately wanted a break from being tied up and manhandled, and what Neteri wanted, even if it was a little humiliating, was harmless enough. At least it seemed that way, until she started.

Erebus had felt a bit objectified when Neteri had looked him over the first time that they met, but that was nothing compared to what he was feeling now. She was methodically scanning practically every part of him, making measurements and taking notes all the while. She grabbed and stroked and pulled and prodded with no regard whatsoever for his personal space. When she moved to study his chest, he leaned back, but she hooked a finger through the ring in his collar and pulled him close again. He shuddered as she ran her fingers over the brand, she had to be aware of how incredibly uncomfortable she was making him given the way she seemed to be writing down his every reaction. 

He thought that’d be the worst of it, but once again he thought that too soon. Neteri pushed him so he was seated on the bed and started studying his face. He tried to turn away, but she grabbed his chin and forced him to face her. There was nothing he could do but stare intently at the corner of the ceiling as she pried his mouth open, no doubt studying what remained of his tongue. She even ran a finger along his teeth, paying particular attention to his canines. He desperately hoped that whatever she had planned wouldn’t involve messing with them. She moved to his eyes next, pulling at his eyelids and turning his head to force him to look her in the eye. He gave up trying to avoid her gaze and stared back. The way she was looking at him...it was as if she didn’t see him, just his eyes and his face, but not Erebus. 

Suddenly, her eyes narrowed and she leaned back. “Why is your face so red? Wait...am I making you uncomfortable? I am, aren’t I?” Erebus instinctively smacked himself in the face with the palm of his hand, dragging it down a bit before nodding. She was looking at him that closely and just now noticed? What had she even been writing down, then? No, he didn’t want to know, he was certain it would just make him feel even more objectified. “Sorry, I just got sort of caught up in my note taking. I think I’ve got enough now. That was it for today so I’ll just...go.” Right then, as if on cue, Erebus’s stomach growled loudly.

“Oh wait, I haven’t fed you at all today, have I?” Erebus gave her an incredulous look and shook his head. “Shoot, sorry about that. I’ll run and get you something. Be right back!” She called over her shoulder as she dashed out of the room. Erebus sighed. Better late than never, but seriously? You’d think after how excited she was to...get ahold of him, she’d be a little more on top of things. His gaze fell on the notebook, and he belatedly realized he could’ve been using it to actually communicate with Neteri. The majority of the time he’d spent with her had been after... what she did to him...so being able to talk to her by any other means than making faces hadn’t even occurred to him. He spent a bit debating what he even wanted to say, but he eventually landed on a question he wasn’t even sure if he wanted the answer to.

When Neteri came back, profusely apologizing for her oversight, he handed her the notebook before he started eating. She squinted at it. “Is this supposed to be the letter ‘r’?” He sighed and nodded. “Your handwriting is weird. Anyway, to actually answer your question of what’s going to happen to you...I think a lot of things we’re just going to have to play it by ear. Nothing beyond that’s set in stone beyond the fact that you’ve got your first procedure tomorrow.” Erebus jumped out of his chair, backing up a few steps. His first what was when??! “I probably shouldn’t have told you that because now you’re just going to freak out. You know what, I’m gonna go grab you something, so finish your food.”

Erebus shakily tried to do as Neteri asked while she was gone, but fear and nervousness were starting to make him feel ill. He forced down as much as he could, knowing he really needed the nutrients. The word procedure kept echoing in his mind over and over. He’d known she was planning on doing that sort of thing to him, but it had seemed like some vague, horrific future that wouldn’t come to pass, and suddenly it was happening tomorrow, and any hope of rescue had been ripped away, and it was inevitable, the procedure was tomorrow, the procedure was tomorrow, the procedure was tomorrow-

“Hey, hey, you’re alright, you’re gonna be okay.” He jumped as Neteri started stroking his back; he hadn’t even heard her come in. “There, there, let’s get you to bed.” She helped him stand and walked him over the bed, forcing him to lie down. “This will help you sleep, so drink it, okay?” she pressed a small vial of dark blue liquid to his lips. He hesitated a bit, but ultimately drank it. As much as he didn’t want tomorrow to come, he’d rather get whatever hellish thing she had planned over with instead of agonizing all night. He closed his eyes as drowsiness overtook him, trying his best to pretend that the person stroking his hair wasn’t going to cut him open tomorrow.

Next→

Tags:  @dramaticcollapse @thehopelessopus @just-a-whumping-racoon-with-wifi @as-a-matter-of-whump @galaxywhump @mnmlover2002 @tears-and-lilies

[thefloorisbalaclava]

pragma - part twenty-three

Pairing: Frankie ‘Catfish’ Morales x F!Reader

Warnings: light smut, talk of death, and the rest is fluff

A/N: I haven’t updated in so long and I feel so bad. I hope this makes up for the long wait!

Summary: Frankie is happy with how much his life has changed and he believes it’s all because of you.

[pragma masterlist]

Leaving was the hardest thing to do after spending any amount of time with him. You never liked saying goodbye so it was always ‘see you later’. Frankie liked that better too.

Once you got home, you called to tell him that you got home okay, but it turned into you two being on the phone with each other for almost an hour.

You were in bed wearing one of the hoodies you had ‘borrowed’ from him as you spoke. “We should go away,” you said.

“We went camping a few weeks ago.”

“I mean away away. Across the country. Out of the country. Somewhere far away together.”

“What brought this on?” he asked and, for some reason, your eyes filled with tears. He seemed to always know. “Babe…what is it?”

“I hate being away from you,” you cried then tried to laugh it off. “Sorry, I’m being silly.”

“Shh it’s okay. Talk to me.”

“I lost you once. I don’t wanna lose you again.” You sniffled and wiped your eyes.

“Why do you think you’ll lose me?” he asked.

“I don’t know. I told you I was being silly.”

“Your feelings aren’t silly though. Not to me. I want you to be able to tell me everything.”

“I had a bad dream a few weeks ago…about when I left all those years ago. But this time when I did you…you…” You couldn’t say the words. What if speaking them made it come true?

“Died?”

“I can’t stop thinking about it, Frankie. I shouldn’t have-"

“Yes, you should have. I was no good for you back then. Hell, I’m still not good enough for you now.” He paused. “But I know I love you and that I’m not going anywhere.”

“Me neither. Never again. I promise.” You cried and he let you. He couldn’t quite hold you but hearing his voice and being wrapped up in his hoodie would do for now.

“Wanna talk about something happy now?”

“Yeah…are you excited about starting your new job?”

“I’m nervous as hell, babe,” he confessed. “I may have to call you tomorrow morning for a little pep talk as I get ready.”

“You get to play with puppies all day. I’m jealous!”

“I’ll take pictures.” He went quiet for some time before speaking again. “Baby…remember what we talked about when we were dancing?”

“Yeah.” Your heart was beating out of your chest. “Why?”

“I…um…you know what? We’ll talk about it when we see each other again, okay?”

“Okay. You should probably get to sleep. You need all the rest you can get to keep up with a bunch of puppies.” You smiled as he chuckled on the other end.

“You’re right. I’ll call you first thing. Love you, babe.”

“Love you more.” You hung up and rolled over, falling asleep easily.

*

Your phone rang with a video call from Frankie at 6 am. You blinked against the brightness of the phone as you answered sleepily.

“Morning, my love. Do you think this is okay?” He showed you his outfit as you yawned and tried to keep your eyes open.

“That’s fine, Frankie.”

His face appeared on the screen again and he smiled apologetically. “Didn’t mean to wake you up. Wanna go back to sleep?” he asked, walking through his house drinking coffee.

“I will after we’re done.” You smiled to reassure him.

“You look so adorable all sleepy and wrapped up in my hoodie. Makes me wanna come take it off of you.” He winked.

“Is this really what you should be talking about before work, sir?”

“Talking about morning sex with my girl before work? Hell yeah! What a motivator.” He pouted. “I can really use that right now, to be honest.”

“God, Frankie…” you sighed. Honestly, you could too. “Don’t tease me.”

“You wanna…you know…” He wiggled his eyebrows and smirked.

“Over the phone? At six in the morning?”

“What? You’ve never had phone sex before?” he asked.

“Have you?” You waited for his response but he only gave you shifty eyes. “Oh my…”

“Are you upset? Don’t be upset.”

“Why would I be upset?”

“It was only when you were-"

“You don’t have to explain, Frankie.” You laughed and shook your head.

“And you’re not mad?”

“No. Now go finish getting ready for work and call me on your break or something. Good luck, hot stuff.” You blew him a kiss.

“Love you, sugar,” he said before hanging up.

You knew that he’d still be thinking that you’re upset with him so to prove to him you weren’t, you pulled up the hoodie you were wearing and snapped a quick picture. You had nothing on under it. Thinking it might be too distracting to send right as he was getting to work, you waited a few hours to send it.

*

Around 12:15 he called you.

“Babe…I really don’t think it would be good for me to pop a boner while working with a bunch of dogs,” he said and you snorted.

“Just wanted to give you a little surprise,” you started, “How’s it going?”

“I love it. You gotta come by someday and meet everyone.” It was nice hearing him so excited. “Are you gonna send me another picture?” he asked.

“You’ll have to wait and see…”

“Are you still…just wearing my hoodie?” he asked, his voice low and slightly needy.

“Well, I’m actually wearing one of your shirts now. I just threw it on after my shower.” You sat down on the couch and smiled at the small sound he made.

“Which one?”

“Hold on…” You took a few pictures instead. “There.”

“There what?” Then you could hear him moving the phone to look at the message that you had sent him. “Holy…the flannel button up…was wondering where it went.”

“Do you like it on me?” you asked innocently.

“Babe, you could be wearing a trash bag and I’d think you look great. The fact that it's my shirt does make it a little hotter, not gonna lie.” His voice was even lower but you knew you couldn't keep talking about this, at least not while he was at work.

“We’ll talk more about it later. Tell me about the dogs.”

He was so excited and you could hear it in the way he talked about what he did. You were incredibly happy and proud of him. It brought tears to your eyes.

“So, you're happy?” you asked.

“Very happy.” He was smiling. You could hear it.

“Good. Make sure you call me when you get home so you can tell me more.”

“Okay and make sure you send more pics. Love you. Bye.” He hung up quickly so that you couldn’t scold him and you laughed. You love him so damn much.

*

You were settling down in front of the TV and waiting for Frankie’s phone call when someone knocked on the door. You groaned and stood up again to answer. Checking the peephole, you gasped and opened the door excitedly.

“Surprise!” Frankie said. He opened his arms and you ran into them.

“Frankie baby! What are you doing here?” You kissed, running your fingers through his hair. “You’re wet.”

“I showered before coming. Smelled like dog.” He walked inside with you. “Wanted to tell you about my day in person. I brought food!”

“I’ll grab some drinks,” you said walking to the kitchen. “Beer?”

“Yes please.”

“So, tell me, how was it?” You bent to get the drinks out of the fridge. “Frankie, tell me how-" When you stood up again and turned, you saw the way he was looking at you.

“You’re still wearing the shirt,” he murmured, looking you over.

“None of that until we eat and you tell me about your day.”

He pouted. “Fine.” He sat at the table and took the food out of the bag as you walked over with the drinks.

“Don’t pout,” you said before bending to kiss him. He smiled brightly. “Ah, there’s my Frankie.”

“Your Frankie would like to see what’s under that shirt.” He gave you his best puppy dog eyes. Usually you’d fall for them—those big, brown eyes captivated you—but you sat in the chair beside him and rolled your eyes.

“Am I allowed to eat first, sir?”

“I guess,” he huffed. “Here.” He handed you his phone so you could look through the pictures as he scooped some food onto the plates.

“Oh my god, look at them! Look at you!” He had taken selfies with some of the dogs. “God, you’re cute…wait what’s this?” You turned the phone so he could see.

“Oh, a hammock,” he said nonchalantly, taking a bite of food before feeding you some.

You chewed and swallowed the food in your mouth before speaking. “You made a hammock…for the dogs?”

“Yeah and they loved it!”

You looked at him and smiled. “I ever tell you I love you?”

“Ehhh…maybe a few times,” he teased, feeding you some more food.

“You’re so good to me.”

“Nah, you’re the one who’s good to me. I’m a whole new man because of you.” He wiped your mouth with a napkin then kissed you. He pulled you onto his lap and laid his head on your breasts.

“I don’t want you to be a whole new man though…”

“You know what I mean. I’m…better because of you.” He looked up and smiled.

“And I’m better because of you.” You touched his face and he closed his eyes.

“I’ve been thinking about you in my hoodie and shirt all day.” He gave you a dreamy smile making you laugh.

“Is that so?”

“Yeah. I told you what that picture did to me.” He slid his hand up your thigh as he spoke.

You gasped as his hand slid between your legs. “You wanna go upstairs?”

“Not really.” He watched you as he fingertips finally found what they were looking for. “Don’t think I can make it that far.”

“So…you wanna…right here in the chair?” You smiled as you pushed against his fingers.

“Will you keep the shirt on?” he asked, pressing his fingers firmer against your core.

“Y-yes,” you whispered, looking down at his hand.

“Good. You still hungry?” You shook your head. “Okay.” He pushed the food out of the way and sat you on the table.

“What are you doing?” You ran your fingers through his hair as he kissed up your thighs. He looked up at you as he hooked his fingers on the waistband of your panties. You lifted your hips for him and he slid them off then dropped them on the floor. “Frankie, you…ah!” You felt his tongue on you but couldn’t see him very well because of the shirt you wore. You bunched it up to your stomach and immediately met his eyes. “Oh my god…”

He pulled away and grinned at you. “Dessert.”

“You’re so naughty sometimes. Wonder where you get it from.” You pulled his hair a little and he closed his eyes. When they opened again, he looked at you with a sort of hunger. He took no time in delving back between your legs, tasting you and letting you know just how much he was enjoying it with all the sounds he made. “Come here, Frankie.”

“Mm!” He pulled away from you and kissed your thighs again. “I wasn’t done.” His hands slid under the shirt you were wearing before he slid them back out and started to unbutton it.

“I thought you wanted me to keep it on.”

“It’ll stay on. I’m just unbuttoning it to get a better look at you.” He smiled slyly as he stood to reach the rest of the buttons. You pulled at his shirt and he let you slip it up and off. He admired the way the shirt hung off your shoulders now that he finished unbuttoning it. You were laid bare to him and almost felt shy.

“Are we really about to make love on my kitchen table?” you asked, pulling him to you.

“Yeah, I think so,” he said, smirking.

It didn't take long before Frankie had all his clothes off. The food had long been forgotten as he pressed into you slowly, kissing along your collarbone. You held him close as he made love to you. He took his time and you savored each minute. It was clear you both missed each other.

*

After a bath, you both laid in your bed and looked at the pictures and video he had taken on his first day at work. You learned the names of most of the dogs and looked at Frankie with such admiration as he talked about them. It was hard not falling in love with him more every time he spoke.

“I'm so happy for you,” you told him and he put the phone down to look at you.

“I owe everything to you.” He laid his head on your stomach and you played with his hair. He looked up at you with those big brown eyes that enraptured you every time.

“Give yourself some credit, Frankie.”

“I don’t think I would’ve done this if you weren’t back in my life,” he confessed. “I never really had any direction since leaving the army and losing my license…and losing you.”

“You found your way,” you reminded him.

“No, you found me again. You helped me find myself. You helped me find the guy I was all those years ago—the guy you fell in love with. I had lost him for a while.” He took your hand and kissed it.

“And you helped me in more ways than I can ever say. You saved me. Don’t you ever forget that.”

It was quiet for a time before either of you spoke again. “Do you believe in fate?” he asked. “I never used to before. Thought it was a bunch of nonsense…but then I met you and my mind changed about a lot of things. I think we were meant for each other even if I’ve done fuck all to deserve you…”

“You deserve me more than anyone. And yes, we are meant for each other. I’m never letting you go…again,” you added quietly.

“I hope I never give you a reason to again.” He looked at you as if to say ‘I won’t let you down'.

“You’re stuck with me,” you said.

“Well, ain’t I the lucky one?” He smiled at you then nuzzled your stomach, getting himself more comfortable. You hoped he knew how lucky he made you feel.

[twenty-four]

pragma taglist: @cable-kenobi @saltywintersoldat @ahopelessromanticwritersworld @pedrosdoll @psychobillybunny @behindmyeyes-insidemyhead @keeper0fthestars @mrsparknuts @thinemineours @huliabitch @synystersilenceinblacknwhite​ @mrscrain-x7 @fioccodineveautunnale @gooddaykate @themilkface @ms-dont-care @mus1caln0tes @awesomefandomsunited @seawhisperer @virtualxjournality @badassbaker​ @lokiaddicted @forever-rogue @sloantravels @javier-djarin​ @longitud-de-onda

permanent taglist:

@demigod-dragonrider-schoolidol​ @tiffdawg

​

@cryptkeepersoul

​

@heresathreebee

​

@jawabear

​

@agirllovespasta

​

@opheliaelysia

@thisis-theway

@huliabitch

@sammiesweet

@pedropasscals

@katlikeme

[heckinhacker]

Heyy may i request bff headcanons for Kyle, Cartman, Craig & Tweek? If that’s too much characters, then just Kyle please :)

Kyle, Cartman, Craig and Tweek - Best Friends Forever headcanons!

A/N: Honestly, south park is rare on this blog so no, no problem at all! Wanted to write it sooner but writer’s block T~T’ 

Rest is under the cut cuz it might get long-

Kyle Broflovski

As I always say, South Park is a shithole and finding some REAL friends might be hard.

Kyle sometimes doubts his own existence, or everyone else’s. Literally. That’s how bizzare things are happening here. 

He cannot trust anybody, maybe Stan only. But sometimes he doubts him too. (Brutal truth) 

So seeing someone honestly concerned about him, and being stubborn at it, would make him soften up pretty quickly. 

As long as you’re not a Cartman, you’re fine. 

Maybe he didn’t start right off bat to spill his secrets out, but he invited you to hang outs more often when he realised you’re fine. 

The most of trust he shows when he invites you over his place. Without anyone else. Just you two. 

Nothing over-friendly line, you just laugh at stupid youtube videos, share some memes, tell some stories you somewhere read or heard. Friend things. 

If you prefer to stay inside, say goodbye to the comfort of your room. Kyle LOVES long walks, and he forces you to go with him. “It’s more healthy than ‘taking a walk’ simulator, [Y/N]!”. 

Long walks - long talks. 

Kyle never shuts up. No matter what. You know something’s wrong when he does. 

Kyle realised you’re his BESTIE FOR LIFE when Hanukkah was hitting close in the calendar. That time of the year he talks to noone since everyone celebrates Christmas. 

But you? You, beside spending time with family, decided to gain some knowledge about Hanukkah. 

You searched in the internet, asked Kyle’s parents, you just tried your best. And decided to surprise your best friend with Hanukkah gifts. Well, if you’re at it, you should get something for his parents and Ike too. 

Your pocket money cried fo mercy, but you had none. 

Everyone expected  your arrival but Kyle. 

And boy, was he emotional?? He had TEARS in his eyes. But he’d never addmit that. 

After that he’s loyal to you as FUCK. 

Anyone picks a fight with you? No need to strain your arms, Kyle is already at it. 

Someone made you sad? Emotional support Kyle right away. 

Cartman always teases you that you love yourselves so much you should date!

But you’re both comfortable with things the way they are now. 

Eric Cartman

From this four? The easiest one to befriend. 

Noone really stays around enough to get to know the deepest of him for him to call someone best friend. 

But here you are. 

Cartman is not very secretive when he likes someone. He just brags and brags about himself and his most private things. Just because he’s that egocentric. 

Not the best of friend material, really? His advices are shitty, mostly he’s the reason you’re sad or hurting, but you just stay beside him anyway, God knows why but he doesn’t. 

When he’s NOT the reason you want to cry, you can sit beside him and cry yourself out, he’d let you lean on his shoulder. Maybe he’d be silent, but he’d hear you out. 

If that’s what you want, he’s more than enough. 

Please don’t be chaotic duo with him one Cartman in South Park is enough.

BUT if you’re as rude as him, South Park is done with you two. You’re inseparable. 

Miss Cartman loves you as much as her own child, she’s just so grateful someone takes care of her Eric and is not here only for...any other reason.

You’re the only one person that Cartman knows that when picks on him and laughs at him, it’s for jokes, never for reals. 

That’s why he’s the most comfortable with you, to be honest. 

Too lazy for walks, but will go out when he has some bigger purpose than just wandering around, doing nothing. 

Craig Tucker

Almost the hardest to befriend. He’d be the most difficult, but we have Tweek on the list. 

Feels bad. 

Noone had any clue WHY are you trying so hard. Even his group sometimes have hard time figuring Craig out. 

He was very cold to you at first. 

He was worried you’d put him through some weird shit, like main four did. And he’d hate that. 

If you want to befriend him, you have to get trust of Token. At least. 

Don’t start with Clyde, Clyde likes everyone (almost), so you’d be nothing new, Craig will still ignore you. 

When Token, on the other hand, says you’re cool, you have to be. Craig would groan, but would try ot hang out with you normally. Well, as normal as he can. 

You knew he acts somehow different, so you held into that thought, trying to get to know him even further. 

“Why are you trying so hard?” - he’d once ask you when you stayed behind, when Craig was packing his things the slowest. You were alone. 

“ Well, you’re always beside people, but you still look alone. That looks like it hurts, so I want to help to stop it.”

“Weird.” he just answered and started walking out of classroom, you beside him. 

Well you weren’t wrong? He bottled his emotions inside, with noone to know about that. Even himself. 

“He’s just like that”, they’d say. 

Maybe he is, but he still has to have some kind of emotions, right? He’s a human being, after all. 

Maybe his emotional needs are not as big as for others, but they do, indeed, exist. 

Best advice giver. Plus he can help you out of panic attack. He’s REALLY good at it. He’s best friends with Tweek after all. 

If you make him actually more than tolerate you, trust me you’re safe and sound with this dude. 

Rely on Craig Tucker. 

He’s a ‘stay inside’ type of dude too. Watch some things together in silence, talk a little but not too much, just...vibing together.

Unlike Tweek, he’s okay to go outside though. To take some photos maybe, take in fresh air. 

Pro tip: never make small talks with him. He hates them. 

Tweek Tweak

my absolute favouritest boi

The hardest to befriend out of everyone. Literally.

He has big, BIG trust issues. 

Don’t force him into anything. Seriously. 

Small steps. Baby steps, even. 

Try to hang around him in Tweek Bro’s. Or at school where others are at. 

Never try to be with him alone at the beggining. Dude will freak out.

He generally freaks out when he notices you being around him most of the time.

“Y-you having any problem?? I’ve got an eye on you, you won’t kidnap me! My friends already know who to suspect when I’m-!”

“Tweek.”

“Wh-What?!”

“I don’t want to kidnap you, man. I just want to see how you’re doing. 

“...oh.” 

Still doesn’t trusts you, but relaxes. You’re in public place, after all. Many other people would see if you’d plan something on him. 

It takes a shitton of time for him to warm up to you. You see every single sign of him trusting you. 

Inviting you to hangouts with friends? Small step. 

Asking if you’d come when he’s working? Even bigger step. 

Damn, noone’s here beside you? He invited only you? Friendship points!! 

You know he considers you as a friend when he invites you over to his house. He never did that. When he asks if you want to come, you almost cry. 

You took your time and got sweetest boy as a friend. 

He notices the smallest changes in you, so when you’re feeling down by even slightest, he’d point that out. 

Advices are almost pointless, he cannot help himself, so helping others is even worse, but he tries to act like Craig acts when you open up to him. 

It’s so noticable you smile right away. Tweek tries his best.

He sometimes gives you free coffee. “It’s on me”, he says. He’s scared of what will his dad say, but you can count it as a payment. He doesn’t get paid for three people’s work on his shoulders, so he has rights to do what he wants. 

Prefers to stay inside. 

Big events and parties are a big no-no. 

He can force himself into big event happening somewhere close to South Park, but parties are NEVER an option. 

I’ll just mention, but boy do I hate Tweek’s surrname?? It feels like he’s a joke but he’s so important to so many people it’s sad-

[lotusthekat]

Help is just around the corner (for us)

Fandom: Steven Universe

Rating: G

Relationships: Platonic Lars & Steven

Characters: Steven Quartz Universe, Lars Barriga, Lion; other characters are only mentioned

Summary: “Hey, it’s not a big deal. I’ve been through worse,” Steven insists.

“Dude, you’ve been wincing the entire time, don’t tell me it’s not a big deal,” Lars mocks, annoyed.

Steven can’t help shivering inside - both at Lars’ observation and his tone. He’s seen Lars angry, of course… but never because of this.

--

Sometimes, Steven's healing powers don't quite work, but it's nothing he hasn't dealt with before. Yet Lars is... surprisingly upset about it.

Word count: 2.226

AO3 / Fanfiction

A/N: Don’t mind me writing self-indulgent stuff for my boys in the very year of 2021 *peace sign*

Half inspired by loubuttons’ “Rare and Sweet As Cherry Wine” and a comment on another Lars & Steven fic, Novantinuum’s “The Brother on the Other Side”. Both are great fics and they’re on AO3 :)

Title is from Help Is Round the Corner by Coldplay.

TRIGGER WARNINGS - past bullying/abuse, major character injury, flashback and trauma

--

“Hold on – what the heck is that?”

The outraged question was so far from expected, that Steven almost drops the bowl he was supposed to grab. The boy wonders if there’s something wrong with the bowl, until he realizes that Lars’ eyes are glued to his arm. His pink sleeve has fallen off, revealing the wound from earlier.

“Oh, I- I got in a gem fight earlier, but it’s nothing really!” Steven reassures him, “My healing powers will take care of it… eventually,” he then doesn’t sound as confident, admittedly.

Immediately after, Lars grabs him to the nearest chair and rushes to find a first-aid kit somewhere in his house. When he returns, Lars is inspecting his arm with desperate focus.

“Hey, it’s not a big deal. I’ve been through worse,” Steven insists.

“Dude, you’ve been wincing the entire time, don’t tell me it’s not a big deal ,” Lars mocks, annoyed.

Steven can’t help shivering inside - both at Lars’ observation and his tone. He’s seen Lars angry, of course… but never because of this.

Basically, Steven got into a fight with a group of gems in outer space. He’s received plenty of reports of gems that turned against Homeworld’s new system – and Steven’s decisions specifically – yet he found out too late that a specific group was larger than he anticipated. There was no time to call for help when he was attacked mercilessly, but he called the Diamonds after it was over, at least.

His healing powers usually do most of the job for him after battles, but lately they haven’t been working as well as they should - even though Steven consistently watches over his hydration and health. He’s not sure what’s happening, but he believed he could figure it out for himself, so he hasn’t told the gems… yet.

Regardless, Lars works on soothing the wound as gently as possible, despite his serious frown. Steven struggles to swallow through the pain, though it eventually gets better once Lars is almost finished.

“Are there any other injuries you’re hiding?” The pink boy demands.

Steven shakes his head. Lars then begins bandaging the former’s arm, and it’s definitely better now that it’s not burning… yet Steven can’t help raising an eyebrow at his friend’s behavior.

“Hey, don’t be mad,” Steven tries to tell him.

It’s no use in saying that, because Lars promptly and angrily ignores Steven as he insists on bandaging his arm.

“Lars,” the younger boy tries again, “I’m okay, you don’t need to–”

“Except I do, because you’re a knucklehead .”

Steven blinks and frowns, affirming, “I can take care of myself.”

Lars simply stares at him with an unamused look.

“What? It’s true!” Steven exclaims in defense. “You don’t believe me?”

As a response, Lars shakes his head in disapproval and looks away. Before the other thinks through it, Steven’s voice raises, “Fine, it’s not like everyone else takes me seriously!”

The older boy’s eyes widen. “Wait, Steven, that’s not what I meant–”

“Oh, really? Because I’m tired of everyone treating me like a baby!” Steven steams. “I’m sixteen now! I saved the entire galaxy! What else do I have to do for you to realize I grew up?!”

“That’s exactly the problem, Steven!” Lars argues. “You can’t keep doing everything alone because you think you have to!”

“What do you know? You’re not a Diamond!”

“But I know you’re still a kid and you deserve help!”

“I’m not a kid, and I didn’t ask for your help!” Steven pushes his hand away, harshly.

Instead of yelling more, however, the look on Lars’ face disperses Steven’s anger. He looks… hurt. Really hurt, like those particular words left a wound on him. Steven’s heart drops in regret.

“Lars… I…”

The other boy looks away and mentions nothing for dragging minutes. Steven doesn’t know what to say, because what he feels is true, but he didn’t mean to sound so ungrateful, either. This is why he’s never confronted anyone.

When Steven senses a hand hesitantly reaching his, he almost flinches.

“I think you should go rest, at least,” Lars suggests, not demanding like before; yet his voice is awfully quiet. “We don’t want you getting worse, right?”

Steven would have protested but he genuinely doesn’t know what to say to make up for it.

“... Right.”

Lars nods in silence. “Do you want to go home?”

Maybe he shouldn’t, Steven considers. He should really apologize to Lars; he’s not one to run away from his mistakes.

“Yeah… okay,” The sixteen-year-old replies.

There’s no other argument. Steven gazes at his bright, messy pink hair that covers his friend’s eyes. Sighing, Steven enters the pink, hairy dimension and arrives home in no time. When there, he greets Lion taking over his bed. This time, the half-gem doesn’t tell him to get off.

Lion’s gaze already tells him the big cat is looking through him as usual. Steven knows Lion can’t talk, but it’s not like there’s anyone else.

“I shouldn’t have been so hard on Lars,” Steven admits. “I know he cares, it’s just…” he pauses once remembering Lars’ look from earlier.

It hurt, but not only because Steven was rude. There was something else about it, too. It was a different kind of hurt. A pain so ingrained, so deep that words might not be able to describe it. And to think Steven brought this hurt to Lars…

“I don’t want to hurt anyone,” Steven whispers wetly. Right now, he doesn’t sound like he’s sixteen.

Lion snuggles against Steven to comfort him. The boy leans back on him, tears filling his eyes.

You’re still a kid and you deserve help!

(Does he?)

--

Honestly, it doesn’t look that bad.

He manages to sneak to the bathroom, after quickly replying to the usual “how was school today?”. His parents don’t really check in on him – though he doesn’t know if he’d want them to.

Because Lars knows he’s just a stupid, whiny kid. He cries too easily, he yells a lot and gets pathetically hurt too often. Who would want to help him? His teachers certainly don’t. If he went to the nursery again, they would call his parents and he’d be exposed and punished. He’d be even more humiliated for having both of them baby him in front of everyone.

Lars locks himself in the bathroom, contemplating his dirty t-shirt, his scratched arms and the ugly purple smudging his face. Well, it’s nothing he hasn’t dealt with. He’s hidden some of his mom’s make-up to cover the worst of it, and the first-aid kit can be easily found. It’s far from perfect but it’s enough not to raise too many questions. As for the t-shirt, he could lie he was playing in the dirt and tripped. He’s said this for so long, they believe everything he says.

Problem is, he won’t stop crying.

He knows it’s his fault. Everyone tells him that. Lars has to deal with this alone. So what? This shouldn’t make him so emotional.

Yet his head hurts from crying too much, even more so than the purple in his cheek. The tears are burning hot, and all Lars wants is to hit something, yell, do anything because he wants so badly to give up .

… but he can’t. He shouldn’t.

Lars is twelve , for crying out loud. A teenager. School has never been easy. He should’ve learned at this point.

He can’t keep being lame.

He’s…

He’s a big boy now. It’s what his dad tells him.

Lars dries his tears with his arm, and glares determinedly at the mirror.

Yeah, he’s a big boy now. He doesn’t need coddling.

Lars will prove to everyone he can be cool and he will finally be accepted. Yeah, that’s right. He’ll get over it and be great.

(Lars tells no one, however, that he might still cry himself to sleep some nights.)

--

This time, Steven takes the longer path to Lars’ house – because he can think of something to tell him on the way. Today is cloudy, with high chances of raining. If anything, it makes him a little more uneasy.

Steven shouldn’t have left Lars alone yesterday, but at the same time he knew he couldn’t do much. He still hasn’t quite processed what Lars meant – that Steven deserved help, and the way Lars reacted to Steven’s outburst… he didn’t want to assume anything, so the half-gem figures it wasn’t the right time to ask. Well, that’s what he’s telling himself. He can only hope Lars is okay.

When he gets to Lars’ home, Steven swallows the hardest lump he’s… ever swallowed. He has to do this, though. It’s the right thing to do, and he cares about Lars. He’s not going to run away.

… but then he notices Lars isn’t inside. No, he’s actually standing on the porch, gazing at seemingly nowhere in midst of the many other houses. He holds the same distant and pained gaze from yesterday. Steven takes a deep breath and heads on awkwardly. Lars doesn’t seem to notice him until Steven has already climbed the few stairs.

“Steven?” Lars greets him with relative shock.

The younger boy clears his throat. “Hey… are you, um, doing okay?”

Lars exhales, in what sounds to be exhaustion and… fondness. “Yeah. Yeah…” As soon as Steven rubs his arms, though, his reaction is quite another. “Does it still hurt?” he asks, eyes wide and worried.

“No, no! It’s fine now, I swear,” Steven tells the truth. Lars believes him and sighs.

“Right. Okay.”

They both look away.

“D… Do you mind if I…” Steven nervously gestures at the space beside him. Lars thankfully gets it as he nods.

Steven settles in close, almost enough for their arms to brush. He plays with his hands for quite a while, unsure how to begin. Lars lets out no words, either. He’s as quiet as the town today.

“Lars,” Steven tries, “I’m…” His eyes begin to twitch. He swallows again, “I’m really sorry, I shouldn’t have…”

“Don’t worry about it,” Lars speaks up, tone low. He pauses for a moment before saying, “I shouldn’t have called you a knucklehead.”

“No, you’re right! I am a knucklehead. I always take up a lot more than I can. It’s…” He sighs as he rubs the back of his neck, unsure if he should go on. “Everyone always expects me to do all these- these things, because if I don’t…” Steven swallows, “I feel like I won’t be worth it. I fear everyone’s going to pay for what I do wrong.”

He senses Lars staring back at him, maybe in shock over how strong these words are. Steven has never quite admitted it to anyone else, and never so clearly to himself.

“And I didn’t expect you to be upset, either,” the half-gem continues. “Like, it’s become so normal to me that I feel like I’ve convinced everyone not to worry about me. So, they don’t. I don’t get many questions and then I’m…”– he clenches his fist –“I’m alone.”

Steven leans on the porch, isolated raindrops hitting the wooden house. He smells the rain, the wet plants and flowers from afar. Some of the rain hits his face softly. The ambient noises are the only ones to speak at the moment. Despite the rain, everything seems so… clear.

Eventually, though, Lars is the one that approaches him, wrapping an arm around his shoulders.

“Listen, I… I get it,” Lars tells him. “Maybe not the ‘being a Diamond’ part, or the ‘savior of the galaxy’ part, but I get you have wounds you can’t show others. Even if you want to, even if you’re hurting badly”– his eyes fall upon Steven’s arm sadly –“you’re not ready to show them. You might not be ready to show in a long time, you don’t know.”

At this, he turns Steven around slightly to face him.

“I just want you to know, you can trust me with that stuff. You don’t need to hide your wounds from me,” Lars reassures him. “I might get upset, yeah… but I’d rather know than have no idea what’s going on with you. Because I care about you, Steven, and I can’t stand the thought of you hurt and me not being able to help.”

Steven won’t lie, he might cry right now. He hasn’t realized how badly he needed to hear this. That it’s okay to hurt. Because, being honest, he’s so tired. Nothing ever ends, and his happily ever after might never come.

“But, uh, you don’t have to come to me, if you don’t want to. I won’t judge. Just… know that I’m here for you, okay?” Lars adds. Right after, Steven replies with a jump hug, because he wants this. He does.

They hold one another while the rain goes on outside. Once it’s gotten worse, they go inside, and soon after Steven is wrapped up in a blanket and he’s glued to Lars on the couch.

It’s nice.

[terrm9]

CHAPTER 4 - The Talk

Ethan woke up from yet another nightmare, cold sweat sending shivers down his spine. Ever since Chiara's accident, the nightmares kept creeping back into his sleep, making it almost impossible to actually rest. It was 5 AM but since he knew he wouldn't be able to fall back asleep, he decided to workout a little bit in hospital's gym and use gym's shower while he was at it. He missed the comfort of his own apartment, but couldn't stand the idea of going home with no one watching over Chiara here at the hospital. So he kept sleeping in his office, using gym's shower and eating whatever a vending machine had to offer at the moment. He let out a humorless laugh when he remembered Naveen's olden words that Ethan would move into the hospital one day. This situation was not what he had in mind back then.

After running on a treadmill for 40 minutes, trying to run away from the fear that consumed every cell of his body, fear that he would never hear Chiara's laugh again, refreshing shower and short conversation with an old lady that couldn't find Cardiology, he walked in into the diagnostic office, June and Baz already inside, going through a file together.

"What do we have there?" Ethan asked as he put some other files on the desk.

"Woman, 60 years old, sharp chest pain, fever, troubles when swallowing. She was admitted an hour ago."

"Pericartidis?" Ethan asked without even sitting down to go through the file.

"No, the ultrasound already ruled that one out. I already ordered blood test," June replied, trying to sound neutral, but the tension between her and Ethan was still obvious, leaving Baz in rather uncomfortable position.

"Okay, I'll go talk to her," Ethan nodded and left the office.

He didn't mind talking to his patients, quite opposite, but he knew Chiara was much better at it and that it would be her talking to the patient now, if only she was there. He entered the patient's room still deep in his thoughts and without thinking about it twice - he did it all the time after all - greeted the woman lying on the bed without even looking at her.

"Hello, I am Dr. Ramsey and I'll be taking care of you while you are here, Mrs.-"

He stopped abruptly, frowning at the name written on the chart. He had to blink several times to make sure that he is reading it right, that his sleep-deprived mind is not playing tricks on him and only then he looked at the woman lying in front of him. His eyes widened at the realization, the absurdity of situation getting down on him. He was shocked and surprised and so full of anger at the same time, but finally he found his ability to stay calm and distant and with the flat voice, he simply asked: "What are you doing here?"

"I was admitted with chest pain and fever."

"That much I know. I am asking what are you doing here, in Edenbrook of all the places? There are plenty of hospitals that would treat you."

"Ethan please. We need to talk."

"No we don't."

"Ethan, listen to me-"

"I said no."

Ethan tried his hardest to stay calm, to be the doctor and nothing but the doctor, but the anger built in his body was suddenly stronger than any other feeling and he felt himself losing it all. The next second, he was almost shouting.

"How dare you to use his name? My name? You left us 26 years ago and now you are telling me that I need to listen to you? I've seen my father crying himself to sleep for months, because he couldn't imagine his life without you. And then, after I made sure that he was asleep and safe, I cried myself to sleep because I has no idea what did I do wrong for you to leave us. You left your child, you left a little boy without any sort of explanation. I always tried so hard to be a good son, I worked hard at school, I cooked with dad and helped you garden, I never asked for much and still you decided that I wasn't good enough for you to stick with me and left like a coward! Dad might have forgiven you, but I never will. I was a child. A child! I needed a home, I needed love and security and all I ever got was wrecked father and feelings of self-hatred. Because no matter how hard I tried, my own mother left me without goodbye. I never trust anyone, because how could I? I push people away before they can push me away. I am not able to love someone because you made me feel like love didn't exist."

"Ethan, please-" 

"Don't please me here. I don't give a single damn about what you have to say. For 25 years I felt unworthy of love, I felt like a failure, I felt like everyone will leave me eventually. And when finally someone comes and for the first time in all those years makes me feel like I might be worth of their love, I am not able to love them back because I fucking forgot what love felt like. And now she could die any second-"

He stopped, realizing at his outburst wasn't leading to some point, ashamed of himself for even letting the emotions out. He could do better. They stared at each other for a long time, neither of them breaking the silence that filled the room. He tried to see some familiarity in her eyes, he tried to remember the best memory from his childhood that could maybe, just maybe make everything feel a little bit better, but all he could recall was the pain in his father's eyes and the empty feeling in his chest.

"I am sorry, Ethan. I am truly and honestly sorry." Mrs. Ramsey broke the silence after all.

"Save it for someone who cares. I'll get you another doctor."

Without any other word, he left the room. He felt the need to punch something rise in him, the need so strong that he locked the door of the nearest supply closet and smashed the wall so hard that some of the plastering fell off. And then again and again, Ethan kept hitting the wall with intensity that could cause serious injuries if it was a person instead of a wall. His knuckles started to bleed and it was enough for him to calm his own breathing, collect himself and get out of the tiny space.

On his way to office, he decided to invite Naveen over for dinner, the strong urge to finally share his feelings with someone supporting the decision. Just as he found Naveen's name on contact list and was about to dial, he spotted group of interns chatting near the nurses' station, the last sentence catching his attention.

"You think they'll make another competetion for interns to get the spot when she dies?"

He stopped in his tracks and with gritted teeth listened what they had to say next.

"I don't know," the tall, blonde guy shrugged, "but I am definitely not willing to sleep with Ramsey to win."

"What do you mean?"

"Well it's pretty obvious, isn't it? Everyone knows that Ray fucked Ramsey to get the spot in diagnostics team. She is average doctor, at best, so I guess she must be outstanding in bed."

Ethan's fists clenched at his side and without thinking, he moved forward to throw a fist into the asshole's face. However, before actually moving, he was stopped once again, staring wide eyed at the scene unfolding in front of him. Dr. Varma, apparently hearing the conversation too, stepped in front of the blonde intern and with blades in her eyes, she asked: "What did you say?"

"I...ugh... nothing! What do you mean?"

"You know what I mean, asshole. At least stand up for what you said."

Ethan could see that the boy was shocked and maybe even embarassed, but after few seconds he grinned and repeated what he said earlier. "So you're saying that it's not true? That Dr. Ray slept with Dr. Ramsey to get the spot?"

"What I am saying is," she hissed through gritted teeth, "if I ever hear you talking about Dr. Ray this way, I will personally fuck whomever it takes to have you kicked out of this hospital. Even if it's Banerji himself."

Despite feeling so much anger, Ethan had to chuckle at the idea of Naveen being seduced by woman that charming and that scary. Heck, looking at the scene, even he was terrified of the young doctor. Jackie turned on her high heels and started to walk away when she noticed Ethan staring at her. She grinned, waved at him and disappeard in the patient's room.

~

Being in his own apartment didn't bring him half as much comfort as he thought it would. He enjoyed cooking in his own kitchen, using his own shower, listening to piano compound rolling peacefully from his phonograph, filling the whole apartment with soft tunes. The evening could be perfect if not for his frequent need to check his phone in case something changed with Chiara. Exactly at 7 PM, soft knock on his door interrupted him while setting the table.

"Naveen, hi. Thank you for coming."

Dr. Banerji smiled softly as he entered the apartment, handing a bottle of red wine to Ethan.

"I am glad to be here. I missed talking to you."

Ethan couldn't help but feel slightly ashamed at Naveen's word, realizing very well that for the past few weeks, he didn't do much to preserve their friendship.

"I'm just surprised you are not spending another night in the hospital," Naveen added.

"You've noticed."

"Of course I have. So, what made you change your mind?"

"Rafael Aveiro is back in Boston for three days and he asked me if he could stay with Chiara tonight. It puts my mind in ease knowing that someone is by her side."

There was no point in lying. Naveen could see through Ethan and he would know he was not telling the truth. They sat down and started to eat in silence, Ethan forcing himself to take at least few bites of the food he made.

"I am sorry for being so distant Naveen," Ethan broke the silence with statement, trying to put all the sincerity into his words.

"Oh, don't worry about that. I understand that life is hard on you right now. I heard from Dr. Hirata that your mother is in hospital?"

With a long sigh, Ethan put the fork down, knowing that he's done with eating. After short hesitation, he nodded and told Naveen everything, from being angry at June for wanting to replace Chiara to meeting his mother and spilling his heart to her before he could stop.

"It seems to me, Ethan, and don't get angry now, that you haven't made your peace with the situation at all."

"Which situation?"

"Your mother leaving. Your mother reaching back. Neither of them."

There was a long silence as Ethan let Naveen's work sink in. When he spoke again, his voice was almost whisper.

"I can't make my peace. She ruined me."

"You are not ruined, Ethan."

"Oh but I am. I push people away because I am scared of them leaving. I despise love, because I am scared of feeling something so transient, so conditional. It all happened because of her and it keeps ruining my life, now more than ever."

"I take it you are not talking solely about your mother now?"

Ethan looked at his mentor, not knowing what to do. Telling him the truth about Chiara would mean confessing that there is the truth to reveal in the first place. That there are feelings he is trying to hide even from himself. And what if Naveen would judge him for falling for his intern, his protége? But again, Naveen observed and analyzed people all his life, he probably knew already.

"It's Chiara. I care for the woman so much it hurts me physically sometimes. She is not only brilliant doctor, she is such extraordinary person I just keep wondering how does one like her even exist. And I know I am hurting her by pushing her away, but it's the only right way."

Naveen was smiling knowingly at Ethan and at the same time, his heart was breaking at the sight in front of him.

"And what makes you think so?"

"Because I am not able to love, Naveen and she deserves someone who will love her. And even if she thinks she loves me, the moment one of her conditions for loving me abolish, she'll stop feeling that way."

"You keep avoiding unconditional love like a plague, but it actually exists, Ethan. Listen to me now and listen very carefully. Chiara always stuck with you, even when you were very persistent in pushing her away. When she found out about my illness and kept it hidden from her friends even though they share everything. That's love. When she spent her free time with you, trying to diagnose me, with you being, well, an asshole. That's love. When you left the hospital and shut yourself off at the times she needed you most and she still found her way to talk to you and make sure you're okay. That's love. When she found the cure for me, but didn't tell you until she was absolutely sure, because she wanted to save you a heartbreak in case she wasn't right? When you accepted your position in Edenbrook back without ever telling her and she was happy for you? When you left to Brazil and didn't talk to her for two months even though you knew it hurt her? Oh, my boy, even if she had any conditions for loving you, you made sure to ruin every single one of them and still, she did never hesitate to show you she cares. What conditions for loving her do you have? Being a brilliant doctor? Showing her affection? Pushing you to be better? All the things she did until the accident? Because right now, she offers you none of those things and yet, look at yourself, sleeping in the hospital every night to make sure she is okay. Talking to her daily, hoping it could get her brain started. Never leaving her side for the three days after the surgery. Hell, you didn't even sleep in the hospital for me!" Naveen laughed before taking a sip of his wine and continuing. "What you are doing is unconditional, Ethan boy. It's the very same unconditional love which existence you recant so much. And don't give me this incredulous look now. I remember very clearly that one call I received from you when you were in Brazil."

"Which call?"

"The one that came in the middle of the night. You were obviously very drunk and you were crying. I never heard you cry before, but even through the phone I could hear the sobs escaping you very clearly. And you just kept repeating that you loved her, that you loved her and had to leave because you loved her. That you even wrote her 'a damn poem'. Not once have you mentioned who "she" is, but I am not that old or stupid."

Horror run through Ethan's face as he recalled blurred memories of the night. He was indeed very drunk and the damn poem was the proof that Naveen was telling the truth, but Ethan didn't remember anything about the call.

Everything Naveen has said was slowly settling in and the voice in his head, now more clear than ever, kept repeating the new truth.

I love her.

Fuck, I really love the woman.

Instead of admitting it to Naveen, he frowned and said: "Even if it was true, it doesn't matter. I am her mentor, her boss and so there's no way we could work as a couple."

Naveen laughed again, Ethan's mind and his morals never stopping to amaze him.

"Oh please. You wouldn't be first nor the last to maintain such relationship. You two kids love each other already and it doesn't affect your work anyhow, so what difference would it make if you allowed yourselves to actually be happy? Sure, Chiara's reputation could take a hit, but I think the two of you would be able not to make it too public until she is an attending, wouldn't you? It's not illegal."

"But it is immoral. Unethical."

"Look, Ethan, you can be ethical and wretched, or you can change the way your morals work and actually find happiness, after all those years."

~

Nine days after his dinner with Naveen, Dr. Ramsey decided to spend his lunch break in Chiara's room, telling her about the newest patient. He stood by the window, looking at the street below him, hands in his pocket as he talked about the man whose nose bleeding was so extensive it made him faint. When he got to the ideas about what could cause such odd bleeding, the device monitoring Chiara's brain activity started to beep somehow more frequently. Ethan didn't pay any attention to it - it happened on daily basis now, showing that her brain actually still works, only not enough for her to wake up just yet.

"...we ruled the brain tumor out but it could-"

"Hurts.... head.... hurts.... hurts."

He turned around and in two steps got back to Chiara's bed, his wide eyes showing broad spectrum of emotions, from disbelief to relief to fear to shock. He leaned over Chiara so that he could see and hear everything perfectly, and really, she was trying to open her eyes while wincing painfully.

"Shh, it's okay, I am here. I am right here. Let me just page others," Ethan put his doctor expression on and with trembling fingers paged other doctors.

"...head hurts," Chiara let out, her words so silent he almost didn't hear.

"Does it hurt when you try to open your eyes?"

She nodded.

"Okay, keep them closed. Does it hurt when you are talking to me?"

"My throat... sore.." He took her hand between his own and started to draw soothing circles on her skin with his thumb.

"It's okay, everything's okay. Your eyes need to adjust to the light. Can you tell me what your name is?"

"Chiara... R...Ray."

"Wonderful. Do you remember what your job is?"

"I - a doc... doctor."

"You are doing great, Chiara. Keep going. Could you try to open your eyes now?"

Chiara's eyelids fluttered and she had to blink several times, but she managed to keep her eyes open for a while.

"Perfect. Now, can you tell who I am? Do you remember me?"

Ethan's heart skipped a beat at her words and all he wanted to do was to take her into his arms and hold her, tell her how much he missed her and how sorry he was, but the moment was interrupted by Baz, June and Harper Emery entering the room, their expressions shocked.

She even managed to create a small smile before saying: " Ethan Ramsey. Unforgettable."

"When did she wake up?"

"Four minutes ago. No memory loss."

"Where does it hurt, Chiara?" It was Dr. Emery, already poking into one of Chiara's legs. "Can you feel this?"

"Yes, but the legs hurt. And head. And my back. It all hurts so much."

Harper looked at Ethan and nodded. "No paralysis."

"It's natural for your body to hurt now, Chiara. We will run all the tests we can and monitor your functions to make sure you'll heal properly. Do you recall what happened?"

"Not really," Chiara said, closing her eyes again, not being able to bear so much light. "I remember driving... driving home and that's it."

"Okay, you need to rest," June stepped into the discussion. "Keep your eyes closed, don't move, rest. We'll come with a treatment and recovery plan for you soon."

Chiara nodded and all the doctors started to leave the room. As he was leaving, Ethan squeezed Chiara's hand and whispered: "I'll be here as soon as I can."

~

As evening fell over the city of Boston, Chiara Ray finally didn't feel like her head would explode everytime she opened her eyes. She was now laying on the bed, staring at the ceiling, waiting for some other doctor to come and examine her. When the door opened, she didn't even have to look to know who entered the room, his scent so unique she would recognize it anywhere.

"Hey," she smiled softly. "Another test?"

"I came to check how you were doing."

"I need to know if my friends are okay. Someone should finally talk to me."

Everytime she asked about her friends, the girls sitting in the car that night, she would be stopped and told to rest. At first, she was so confused and in so much pain it didn't really startle her, but now, feeling much better, not knowing was torturing her.

"They are all alright. You were the only one seriously injured."

"Can I see them?"

"Not now, no. You have to take this slowly. They'll come to see you tomorrow. Right now, you really need to rest."

"From what you told me, I've been resting for the last seven weeks."

"This is not the right time for jokes, Chiara. It's a miracle you are alive and this well at the moment and I am speaking as someone who doesn't believe in miracles. It will cost you a lot of strenght and dedication to heal. You basically need to learn to walk again. And for that, you need to rest."

She turned at him, finally taking a good look at him, observing every detail.

"Look who's talking. What about you? Which musketeer are you audiencing for with that beard and those hair? Athos?"

"I have no idea what you are talking about."

"You don't know The Three Musketeers?"

"No."

Even though she still felt physically miserable, she couldn't stop herself from rolling her eyes at him.

"Okay, well you could also play Sirius Black after he ran away from Azkaban."

"Who again?"

"Don't tell me you don't know Harry Potter."

Ethan sat down on the chair next to her bed and shrugged.

"I don't, obviously."

"God, you're hopeless. So, what is it going on in your life that made you look like this?" 

She knew something was going on, even if she didn't pay attention on his appearence, his eyes screamed that he was in pain.

"Nothing serious. Just a lot of work. It's not important now. What is important is you getting better, that's why you are not allowed questions today. Don't put too much pressure on yourself already."

"Come closer," she told him softly and he leaned over her, looking straight into her eyes. She reached for his hair, wincing with pain as she lifted her hand.

"Closer," she repeated and he got closer, so close that he could see how her green eyes turn into colour of rosin around her pupils. His breath got stuck in his throat, because damn, even now she was the most intriguing woman he's ever laid his eyes on.

"Ramsey, is this a gray hair I see here?" she whispered and chuckled.

Ethan closed his eyes, trying his hardest to maintain serious, professional face, but hearing her chuckle made him let out soft laugh too.

"You are really stepping over the line here, Rookie."

"Of course I am. Seriously though, Ethan. What is going on? You look even worse than I do and that's almost impossible at the moment."

Her voice was caring and he couldn't bring himself to pull away from her. But he had to, after all, so he sat down back on his chair, holding her hand from there.

"It's really nothing Chiara, just work. I am down to a member of my team after all, remember?"

She knew he was hiding something enormous, but it was too soon to push him into telling her. She would have plenty of time for that.

He wanted to tell her everything and he knew she sensed his lies. But at this time, her recovery was the most important thing to him and he didn't want to put that at risk. He knew he would have plenty of time to tell her everything.

[shanie-the-toyaddict]

So I watched The Undertaker’s Final Farewell. Thoughts. I have a BUNCH..

Of course Shane comes out first. I don’t know why the hell I thought otherwise.

When I heard Shane was coming out wearing black, I was thinking to myself “ooh, potential figure?” Thankfully, he just wore his usual black on blue jeans and I already MADE that figure.

Shane offering to hold the ropes for Show concerns me. How destroyed is Big Show that Shane would need to hold the ropes for him? At first I thought it was a joke, then Shane DID hold the rope and I’m like “Dude, WTF”

Mick got OLD. Like, holy shit. Although, the hell that man put his body through for how long, I don’t know why anyone would be surprised time would be cruel to him. At least he can still walk, which IS surprising.

Have they ever actually acknowledged Taker’s biker gang clique before this? I mean, I know it’s falls under the category of “Worst Kept Wrestling Secrets” but have they ever actually acknowledged his crew on TV before? Just curious.

Booker T looked good tonight.

Someday, we aren’t going to have Ric Flair with us anymore and when that day comes I want a 10 bell salute, no questions asked.

Hunter, nobody likes “King of Kings”. Sorry.

While I’m glad Kane showed up in costume, that singlet... doesn’t do him any favors. Ouch.

METALLICA!

That video package was *chefs kiss*

I was considering making a #thankyoutaker music video, but NAH, I can’t beat that. My job was done for me.

I feel bad for Vince. I know I rail on him constantly, but he was having a HELL of a hard time with that and you could just see how emotionally wrecked he was. I’m almost glad there was nobody in the audience for THAT part that might cause him to lose focus because that was probably one of the hardest things Vince McMahon has ever had to do.

How big was the check Vince wrote that gave him the right to say “WWF” on a PPV? I’m honestly curious. I had a bit of a chuckle because my mind thought “I wonder if, when they came to terms with the World Wildlife Fund a bit back that let them use the WWF Logos again if they earned the right for one last usage of the verbal name and Vince was like “No, we’re saving this for the perfect time” and that time was the Undertaker’s Retirement.

I’m torn on the musical tesla coils. On one hand, musical tesla coils are neat. On the other hand, they sound like chiptunes and it didn’t work well here. Maybe they should have just stuck with using them for lightning bolts.

SO MUCH FIRE

And that brings me to the Deadman himself.

I need to say this right now because it’s breaking my heart. I’ve endured a LOT this year. We all have. The Pandemic itself and the lives lost to it are by far the worst thing going on, but I feel that it’s ok to be upset about the side effects of it as well. One of those is tonight - There was nobody in that arena for what should have been the greatest, most emotional moment of Mark’s career. You know all that chanting and cheering we heard?

I’m pretty sure he didn’t, Or, if he did, if they did pipe it into the arena proper, it had to break his heart knowing it was canned.

That was so incredibly painful to watch for me, knowing that The Undertaker, the friggin PHENOM was denied his proper sendoff by the fans because of COVID. It’s going to piss me off tonight, tomorrow and for a long GD time, I just know it. He deserved to feel that electricity, to hear that crowd chanting for real. Say what you will about Mark and his politics and stuff, but the man is a true legend and nothing can take that away from him.

But the fact that his final ovation came from a speaker system taints the entire experience.

That said, I cried HARD at the Paul Bearer hologram. That shit HURT.

All in all, it was very emotional, although mostly for the wrong reasons. I wanted to be able to celebrate Undertaker’s farewell. Instead, I couldn’t get past how much was taken from him in this moment by the pandemic and the bullshit surrounding it.

Just my thoughts.

Thank You Mark Calaway. Thank you for 30 years of greatness and for turning what would otherwise be just another idiotic WWF gimmick from then into pure, legendary, EPIC GOLD. Thank you for the matches, the segments, and the promos you have gifted us with. You truly are the Phenom and there will NEVER be another like you.

[mostlysanesstuff]

They say, hearts are meant to be broken. Who knew that it would hurt this bad. Maybe it would have hurt less if you would have broken up with me like everyone does instead of cheating on me with my best friend. When this happened, I not only lost you, the one whom I thought was the love of my life but also my best friend. The only person whom I was able to share anything with is no more now. I loved you. I loved you with all my heart but I loved my best friend more than my heart. I was ready to do anything for you. I was so much into you that I even was ready to give up my dreams.

Our memories together had a great impact on me. I lost myself trying to search for you. I broke into pieces when I found out. Memories of us shattered everywhere. I became mad, seeing you in everything I did. From coffee in the morning to the late night talks, everything reminded me of you. I cried everyday wondering if I was at fault. I blamed myself for everything that happened when you were the one who cheated on me. I cursed myself all the time for not being able to be a person you wanted me to be. My heart became weak. I started crying over small things. I started writing stuff so deep that showed my feeling naked. I regretted everything about you later on.

Having being heart broken, I acted strong on outside but was screaming for help inside. I was lost, very much that I sometimes had no idea what I was doing. Eventually I became alone because everyone thought I was weird. I tried making friends with new people, ended up having more people hate me. I tried looking for love in every stranger but it wasn’t that easy. I spent time thinking about everything we did, living in the memories that were left behind after you left even when you promised you wouldn’t. I sit alone and, slumped down and break myself with these thoughts. I stopped opening my heart to people. Leave alone relationships, even for a friend, I was not able to trust anymore. I wished love was perfect as love itself. I was scared that same thing that might hurt me will happen again. I lost the ability to do anything. I couldn’t take it anymore. I had no idea what to do that will help me move on. I drank. It did not help me. Eventually I stopped because I need to get a grip of myself. I can’t let that person know how weak I am. This is what I kept telling to myself the whole time. There was time where I actually thought of making you jealous so I can make you come back to me but you didn’t give a damn. I kept thinking that sadness will wind us together but it didn’t. ‘I need to move on. I will from tomorrow.’ I said to myself and cried every day. I used to cry every time I see myself in mirror. I became quite unsure of who I was. ’ Maybe things would have worked out if I were pretty’ I thought to myself and cried going into deep sorrow from there. I had no one by my side who will understand me, how I felt at the moment. You took away everything I had.

Everyone said it was my fault. They blamed me when you were the one at fault. They said that I didn’t love you properly, that a bitch like me never deserved a gem like you, that I was using you to show off that I had a guy in my grip. I did not care about it in the beginning like I never did about what everyone thought. But I did when I came to know that you were the one who went around telling every other person that I was at fault. I remember that day. I remember how I collapsed in my bathroom, trying to cry without making any sound, screaming loud with my mouth closed with my wet hands till I went completely out of breathe so that my parents wouldn’t hear me. I was not able to do anything about it, how I felt so much pain but was not able to say a word about it. That is what hurt me the most. I remember putting both my hands on my fore head and wondering how long I must go through this because I couldn’t take it anymore. For a moment I think that should go back to how I was, like you did but it wasn’t as easy as they say it is. I was the only one who got hurt. I persistently kept remembering you in terms of the pain you caused me. Vivid memories of us often came by. Nights were particularly hard. I had no one next to me to at least act like. Memories of us that came at night took me away from present back to the days when I as happier only to hurt me more. Memories came flashing, with me screaming inside but that was left un-heard. I was afraid to love again. I was clinging to the past that never let me choose. I kept on wondering what went wrong almost every day but the memory I have left of us gave me answers that I never wanted to believe. I started over- thinking every little situation in hope that something will give me an answer I was looking for but on the contrary, all I was doing was rehashing the past. Sure, yeah I was smiling but I was breaking inside. Letting go of him is harder but knowing that me holding on to him didn’t matter to him anymore hurt me harder. Maybe the thought of him falling in love with me was terrifying because I just wanted everything to go smoothly even I know nothing can work out perfectly and I was just constantly wandering if I were doing the right things and saying the right words and making the right decisions to trust him where had ever chance to break me.

You say that I am unfamiliar to you when you were the one who changed me. Ever babbled into the mirror trying to figure out who you are? I was quite unsure of who I’ve become. I was no more that pleasant, charming, so- called cute, short girl who always gave every one the brightest smile she ever had and you the brightest of the brightest smiles. You took that away from me. I still can’t believe how normal you act when you see me like there was nothing between us. I started panicking every time I saw you. I started hiding every time I heard you dropped by so that I can avoid those anxiety attacks. It feels like someone is choking me every time I see you now. I can’t talk then. I will be out of breath in no time. I start shaking, my whole body will start shaking and it hurts. My heart aches every time I see you. Tears keep rolling down my cheek and I am completely stupefied. I start remembering how I felt the first time I saw you. There were goose bumps, raced hearts, red cheeks, happy in the inside but faking like not caring from the outside. It is depressing how it turned out to be completely opposite now. I always wondered why you started showing up suddenly out of nowhere. I thought it was to see how I was doing. But when I think about it, it is to see how I was suffering. Did that satisfy you? I am stuck between the past and future and suffering in the present because of you. I really wanted to rewind the time and start over so that way maybe I would’ve avoided meeting you in the first place. Everything returns to the past in seconds when I try to find a reason to live in present. Honestly, I never stopped thinking about you, not even a single day but I really want to erase you. I say I want to erase you but I can’t really let you go yet. I want to blame myself like everyone including you did but blaming you hurts less. I tried distracting myself by working my ass off, keeping myself busy, but I still feel the ache in my heart. Maybe I am spending too much time waiting for you to complete the broken me. I am searching for something that I can’t reach. I became the source of my own hell. Our relationship was so beautiful but everything beautiful is ruined eventually. You probably don’t even know that I am living like hell.

Emotionally I am done, mentally I am drained. I hardest thing that I ever did is to walk away when I still love you. Every one including you think I’ve moved on but I just got better at hiding the pain. I got tired of listening to my own tears. I cried and cried and now I have no more tears left to cry. Even my tears left me alone. Now, all I can do is lie in bed and hope to fall asleep before falling apart every day because the kindest of hurt have more pain. My journey has been painful and one that hurt me really bad. The way is left explains every doubt I’ve had. As they say, the broken thing that I keep trying to put back together can’t compare with the beautiful thing that’s waiting to be built. I wait for a change that I need. I realized heart breaks are not the ending. They can also be the beginning. Take charge of your life, begin attracting and manifesting all the desire in life because you are beautiful when you accept your flaws.

[nicknellie]

It’s been really fun to brainstorm with you, honestly this has been so much fun!

Yes, honestly at first I was thinking that Bobby and Reggie would have a little solo in it however I was just thinking to myself that it’s kind of like unsaid Emily where Luke has to talk about how he feeling and although that would be cute it’s much more emotional with just Luke singing. I’m just starting to imagine this song and them just crying and it’s so sad. That’s exactly what I was thinking, you articulated that so well!! I agree that they all have different doubts and insecurities, just briefly mention them I think that Luke thinks that he causes a lot of issues (which is some thing I feel like all them kind of share but Luke more so). Alex (especially after death and the Caleb issue could be thinking that’s his fault) may be having some fear that they will leave him, Reggie thinks that he’s too hyper active and that they don’t actually care about him, also Bobby is kind of the same but seeing how close Alex, Luke, and Reggie are he may having doubt about how he fits in and if he does. (Kind of confirms after they died and let’s not think about 17-year-old Bobby just crying because his dream with his friends is now crushed and he doesn’t know what to do) sad times

Mission: Support Alex, slay I love that so much. I just just see the boys having ‘secret meetings’ (Alex knows about them but he just thinks that they are doing something else)

Also kind off-topic however I feel like Bobby would totally be the one who gets into fights with people who are rude to Alex with Luke supporting him in the back/also getting into a fight. Reggie would be distracting Alex because due to his parents fighting he doesn’t like participating or watching other people fight.

To Bobby it might not have mattered that they where not on there by name because he knew how important the songs were also to him he could’ve possibly thought that he was still honoring them although he wasn’t really (although most people don’t come back to life and the boys parents weren’t exactly the greatest so who knows what else he could’ve done).

Wait, I was totally thinking Alex for the 4AM thing (I think he’s light light sleeper and although at first he would begrudgingly not want to after like a minute he would) however that works perfectly. I can totally see it, also he most definitely would be making jewelry for them. Going along with your poetry theory for some reason I keep thinking to myself that Reggie would be a very good artist although majority of his paintings are either Star Wars, pizza, or the boys. But yes, he totally would be just casually slips Reggie a little poem or some thing just before he has to go back home (same to Luke and Alex when they still lived with their parents).

(Honestly I feel like Alex (or Reggie works either way) would be a stress baker and although he didn’t get any sleep either he would jokingly tell them that they looked tired) However none of them wake up Reggie, he is the one person who needs at least 10+ hours of sleep and majority of the time he isn’t able to sleep at his house so whenever he is able to go to sleep no one wakes him.

Yes, you read my mind because that’s exactly what I was thinking. It’s been 25 years but he still can’t over them (and then one day he gets ‘hi Bobby’ which was probably done because he is terrified of ghosts and the boys knew that or at least Alex did)

Wait I didn’t even think about him making his own charity (my mind is blown in the best way possible) but yes that is exactly what he does alongside donating to countless others. (Possibly helps Mitch set up the one for Luke ?)

Honestly the fact that Emily and Mitch are the most supportive parents has been on the back of my mind for the entirety of this conversation. I’ve seen many theories where Bobby’s parents were just neglectful and honestly I don’t disagree with them.

Honestly if the show says that someone other than Rose is Julie’s mom, a lot of people will rage I’m just calling it. But yes, that is exactly what happened and although it wasn’t the closure that Luke’s parents got from his song it was pretty close.

Oh yes, Ray definitely did (or if not they had both of their last names and then as you said once she passed away they just took on Molina)

I was actually thinking about this when you were talking about Rose knowing Mitch and Emily however what if they actually knew Julie as a baby because Rose took her over once and just as you said they couldn’t recognize where they knew her from but they definitely recognized her (and then cried once she left) it could be another instance where Rose helped people out in ways that they never expected (bringing the boys to Julie and once Julie had music back again it helped Ray and Julie helped Emily and Mitch)

I’m really hoping that season two focuses on them more because I think part of it is due to the fact that they only had 9 episodes that were 25 minutes so they can’t put a lot in without either overwhelming people or taking on more than they could’ve handle however it was mostly focused on introducing people and Luke’s backstory. So I would love to see more about Alex and Reggie (also Bobby and past sunset curve)

Exactly, Luke taught him a few chords which is enough for him to do the song. Honestly for no reason I’ve also been thinking that he can play piano but yes a violin fits so much better!!

Agreed, and he’s just trying his hardest and although he may have gone about it the wrong way he had pure intentions (or at least that’s what I’m going to assume). He does have to take his family into account because if he didn’t then that wouldn’t have been the best upbringing for Carrie with him being in the spotlight for that reason (he is in the spotlight but not for that reason).

You took the words right out of my mouth, I kind of wish that they had shown more of a reaction because aside from Alex the only thing we really get is Luke saying that it’s been 25 years (also kinda Reggie with his parents house being turned in a bike shack) however we don’t see either Luke or Reggie really dealing with it or at least acknowledging it like Alex has.

That did make sense or at least I got what you were trying to say, due to the fact that they haven’t processed it it’s harder for them to acknowledge the fact that it’s been so long and especially when they originally found out none of them had really thought about it.

Yup, that is exactly what would happen and in the end they both would feel so much better. (Bobby for sorting out his problems and Alex for being able to help him out)

Honestly all we can do is aspire to be on Reggie‘s level, he is the true fanboy. (Also once he accidentally drew a character in the margins of Luke’s notebook which Luke wasn’t entirely pleased with). Yes to all of that, thinking about Reggie finding out what a Jar-Jar is (although he loves Gizmo, I have no reasoning just that) potentially Reggie writes a song about how much he can’t stand Jar-Jar and how people are ruining the franchise. (This is where Julie gets really concerned)

Alex and Reggie bond over photography so much, they definitely watch the pictures come out and then sometimes Bobby and Luke join them (they have no clue what is happening however they are just happy for Reggie).

So I looked it up and apparently Polaroid cameras were but I’m not completely sure how authentic it is (one can never be to careful). However I am definitely seeing Reggie out of the blue pulling up at Polaroid camera and taking pictures of the band.

I didn’t even think about Reggie being a photographer out of the band but yes that is exactly what his backup plan is. Honestly Reggie has so many scrapbooks that everyone even if they don’t know a single thing about him just say ‘oh you’re the scrapbook band member’.

Exactly it would show how he is able to know that also how he can listen to Ray without losing interest.

I’m not sure if I mentioned it earlier however the little photo that Carlos found, Reggie definitely took it (he set up the camera somewhere and in the album there’s numerous pictures that he took but sadly that was only a demo)

Yes, the amount of pictures of Alex and Reggie fills up about two scrapbooks, and because Luke can’t say no to him there about 3 of just Luke. (Luke is an actual puppy) (part of why he is so photogenic)

Also once they discover social media and potentially get onto Instagram, Reggie has a photography account which consist of Luke, Star Wars, photography things, and pouty Alex (and or just Alex and Luke jamming out, great pictures of Julie as well) (also occasionally he has pictures of Alex and Willie because and occasionally Flynn because she is also photogenic)

Exactly yes, that’s what I was thinking. Reggie would be to excited and because Alex knows how much this means to him he always grabs whatever he can (refuses to grab wrappers)

That would be such a great bonding moment between Reggie and Julie, that’s so adorable. I’m just picturing it now.

So sad, I was not expecting you to say that and once again I am just imagining Bobby looking at these developed pictures and crying. (Also there’s one of all of them with the back saying ‘we were going to be legends’)

Completely, (they are all a little sentimental). Yes, they all had a little something that set the gifts apart, for Bobby it was the knitting, for some reason Alex is weirdly good at wrapping (but can’t make a decision on what to get someone) and Reggie is not (tends to use newspaper that sometimes he draws on, also as you mentioned he gives really great gifts), and Luke is known for using whatever can possibly not something be shown to wrap also something completely the wrong size. (One year a circle gift was wrapped in a square).

They totally shared clothes, Luke more often then not steals Alex’s hoodies (also the rest of them because Alex is tall and soft hoodies), they just steal each other clothes all the time. If the item can’t be found then there’s a 10 out of 10 chance that another bandmate is wearing it.

Agreed, I feel like it was their way of making some thing for Bobby however they are not jewelry maker so they couldn’t make it as good as he could (I mean Luke writes music for everyone and Reggie is banned from writing any of them country music), however they tried and Bobby did tear up.

Precisely, in the end he did have to buy a necklace because he couldn’t make something with breaking down.

Yes, Luke is such a musical fan, honestly between Reggie and Luke they would watch movies for everything even sad gigs. (However to Luke every gig is successful so the boys can quote Grease every single line) Also for some reason I’m thinking that Alex and Bobby just love horror movies (which are reserved for truly successful gigs) and although Alex does get scared he loves them. (not the present ones to him, that is terrifying and is not cool however he loves older ones).

Exactly, (great songs by the way), they all kind of hate Star Wars (once again can quote everything) however they just do it for Reggie.

We all know that Alex is the choreographer, best statement I have heard because it is all true. That is precisely what they all do, it’s plays to what they are best at.

Yes, honestly for some reason I keep thinking that dance was really important to Alex‘s parents so after he came out he wasn’t able to dance in front of people anymore because it reminded him too much of them (comparing this to again Julie with not being able to play music after her mom passed ). Also could possibly be why the boys were so happy for Alex during ‘all eyes on me’ because it was the first time he had danced in such a long time (also just in general happy for him)

It’s really fun to share my thoughts and hear what yours are as well! Agreed this is really long 😂

And good night! (Or technically when you’re reading this good morning!)

This was a joy to wake up to omg! Once again I’m gonna have to put a keep reading thing because otherwise it’s gonna be painfully long lmaoo

I definitely think it would have only been Luke singing it, yeah, like him just looking Alex in the eyes the whole time, desperately trying to connect and convey how much he meant what he was singing. Bobby and Reggie probably had background vocals they were supposed to add but they just broke down halfway through the song (like there was one line that set them both off crying) so by the end it was just Luke and his guitar. And I think you’re totally right about their insecurities. They all know really that they’re important and the band wouldn’t function without each of them but it’s still hard for them all to see past their doubts because they believe them so forcefully. Luke would definitely worry about causing issues - I reckon when arguments happen within the band he’s usually involved and that’s why (not that it’s like his fault specifically, it just so happens that he can be headstrong and will argue about creative differences with any of the guys) and it worries him that they’ll think he’s too much trouble. I totally agree that after everything Alex would have some sort of fear of abandonment or being left alone or whatever. He could definitely have some trust issues and there’s always a thought at the back of his mind that the guys could kick him out at any moment. I think you said Reggie’s totally perfectly as well omg like YES - I read a fic a while back that basically talked about Reggie worrying about stuff like being too over the top and it was heartbreaking. And same with Bobby, maybe he didn’t have the best friends when he was a really young kid or he was bullied lots or something so he finds it hard to recognise that he’s just as close with the other boys as they are with him.

And no no no I do NOT want to think about Bobby crying after his friends are gone it hurts! Like he’d walk into the studio one day and it’s silent - it wasn’t that he expected the guys to be in there playing their instruments, but there had always been some sort of noise in the studio. Them chatting or the crappy TV they had down there or a pen scratching on paper as Luke scribbled down a song or Reggie did a crossword. He walks in and is greeted with nothing and it just breaks him.

And yeah lmao Alex totally knows about the secret meetings - he has guessed they’re about him because he’s never invited but whenever he asks the boys give him a different answer. Bobby’s are the only convincing ones, Luke’s just don’t make much sense, and Reggie’s are completely unbelievable.

I 100% agree with the fight thing, literally you read my mind. Bobby seems really chill so people think they can get away with saying anything but the second someone insults his friends he’s ready to deck them. Luke would mainly stick to shouting at people which could be equally intimidating but he would fight if it came to it, though he wasn’t quite as good as Bobby was.

Ooooh yes I can see that I totally think Reggie is good at art! I included it a little bit in a headcanon I wrote a while back about Reggie’s relationship with his grandad. I think they used to do a lot of art together and Reggie wasn’t quite as good as his grandad but he did gain enough skill to do pretty good paintings. He’d definitely paint those things, and he’d also use the photos he takes as references, so the studio at one point was filled with canvases just of Luke’s face because Reggie had so many photos of him lmao. And yes omg where Luke would write comfort songs for the boys Bobby would write comfort poetry omggg

I love the idea of Alex being a stress baker! On bad days/weeks/even sometimes months the studio will smell of cookies and cakes because Alex just keeps bringing the guys more and more food like “hi I made this at 3 am please tell me you like it”. The guys wait until after they’ve finished eating all Alex’s amazing food to talk about whatever is bothering him and force him to take a nap.

And yes Reggie needs as much sleep as possible or he won’t function. He’s never tired - he skips straight past tired into overtired and gets even more hyper and excitable so the guys need to know the right time to get him into bed. Or sometimes he won’t get overtired he’ll just get sad and distant and won’t tell the guys what’s up; when that happens it’s only Alex who can convince him that they care about him and the best thing to do is sleep.

Yessss he would totally help Mitch! Especially if they were still close, then Bobby could use his fame and influence to get other important names to support the charity and it grows massively.

And yeah with Mitch and Emily even though they didn’t like the band I think they came to see all of the boys as sons and they could always talk to them or stay at their house when they needed to. After the boys died I think it was one of the first places Bobby went - he hadn’t seen them since Luke ran away, but he explained everything that had happened since then and got very close with the two of them again. I can totally imagine Bobby’s parent being neglectful in some way - that way like the other three he would find solace and a new family within the band and be much happier there.

Bro I will be the first to riot if the show says someone who isn’t Rose is Julie’s mum. I will genuinely be furious. And yeah her talking to them would definitely give them some sense of closure. And yes omg, your mind!! Mitch and Emily knowing baby Julie is PERFECT. Like maybe they only saw her once or twice, so they wouldn’t recognise her when she’s all grown up, but the name sticks and they silently thank Rose when they realise it was her daughter who brought them so much closer to their son.

Yes me too I hope we get to see storylines like that developed more in the second season. We got to see barely anything of Alex and Reggie’s backstories, like all we know is Alex’s parents were homophobic and Reggie’s parents fought a lot. I’d love some flashbacks to the nineties, like the boys are telling Julie a story and then we as the audience get to watch the story play out. I just think that’d be cool

I can see Trevor/Bobby being such a family man. After losing his own family (the boys) he was determined to make his own family kind of perfect or to at least look after them (also if his parents were neglectful then he’d strive to not be) I truly think he really really loves Carrie to the ends of the earth and I’d love to see more of that in season 2. It only makes sense that he’d want to protect her from all of that sort of thing.

Yeah exactly!! It’s almost like they don’t care that they’re dead. Maybe they talked it out in the weird dark room where Alex cried, but Luke says that’s only an hour and that’s definitely not enough time to get over any death, let alone your own. The sadder option is that they genuinely just didn’t care - it’s like a fresh start for them and none of them really had the best life. Maybe they’re dead and they’ve left everything behind, but at least they’re still on earth and together.

And yes that’s exactly what I was trying to say, I’m so glad it made sense!!

Yeah, I feel like Alex would feel so accomplished after helping Bobby talk about his problems. Like he’d proudly tell the others that he’d helped Bobby out and they’d be like “okay Alex well done”

Yes omg lmao the song Reggie writes about hating Jar-Jar isn’t some country song like he usually writes, it’s this full-on heavy metal death song complete with verses that are just him screaming “die Jar-Jar die” (and I’m gonna be honest: I’ve never seen Star Wars so idk who Gizmo is but you’ve been right about literally everything else so far so I’m going to agree with you that he does love Gizmo lmao). Like you said Julie definitely starts worrying then, and one day she finds Reggie just like lying face down on the floor and she asks him what’s up and he just goes “stupid Jar-Jar”.

Yessss the guys would all really like watching the photos come out but it was kind of like Alex and Reggie’s “thing” like they felt it was their little experience just for the two of them (though they were more than happy to have Luke and Bobby there too). Yes to Reggie just randomly pulling out his Polaroid and snapping pics of them just whenever, that’s adorable and he definitely would. Yes lmao people know Reggie most out of the band because he’s kind of famous for just constantly buying scrapbooks and filling them up and needing to buy more scrapbooks on an endless loop.

Yes yes yes I definitely think Reggie took that photo. It was a little stressful as he had to put the camera on a timer and run into place without looking like he’d just sprinted across a room, but they eventually made it work.

Yes omg he has so many scrapbooks of Luke. When Julie first asks to see some of his photos he just smiles and says “I know which ones you’ll like” and pulls out these three overflowing scrapbooks filled with pictures of Luke. It’s mainly his face and his arms lmao

Yesss Reggie’s photography account is basically just everything he loves! There’s so many photos of the band and also food (because when he’s looking over that lady’s shoulder as she takes a photo of her food and he says that’s a great pic?? Yeah he likes doing that even though he’s a ghost and can’t eat the food). I absolutely love the idea of Reggie and Flynn being best friends so she’s more than happy to feature on his account because YES she is so photogenic it’s unreal.

Omg yeah if Alex refuses to grab wrappers (“no Reggie they’re sticky and gross get them yourself!”) then it’s fine because Luke just doesn’t throw things away so he has a ton of sweet wrappers in his pockets and will let Reggie have them because he doesn’t want them really

Wow ‘we were going to be legends’ on the back of one of the photos BROKE ME so thanks for that lmaooo. Bobby wrote it down with shaking hands and smudged the writing with tears. He couldn’t make himself bring it out of the studio.

You’re so right with the gifts and the wrapping thing, that’s so perfect I love it. Idk if you’ve ever seen the show Gavin and Stacey but there’s a Christmas episode of it where one of the characters wraps all his gifts in tinfoil and I feel like Luke or Reggie would also do that too lol

Alex would buy a new hoodie and be like “do you like my new hoodie” and the other three would just be like “our new hoodie, thanks Alex, we love it”

I feel like that pretty much sums up the band’s whole relationship, just that they try their best for each other. It isn’t always perfect or pretty but they’d give the world for one another and it’s all any of them could ask for

Oh they definitely love horror movies! Luke and Reggie are less keen and they’ll huddle together under a blanket for the whole thing, basically just cuddling each other with their eyes closed. Alex loves the feeling of being scared by the older movies and Bobby just somehow doesn’t get scared at all. And yes, Alex hates the newer ones they see after they come back as ghosts, but Willie convinces him to watch a few and he just uses it as an excuse to hold on tight to him.

On the subject of Choreographer Alex, I’m now picturing him making the others do mini aerobics classes. Like those pictures Owen Joyner posted of his Halloween costume, Alex would unironically dress up similar to that and make the boys copy his actions in a little class to keep them all fit and healthy. Reggie was very enthusiastic, Luke definitely was not, and Bobby went along with it because he found it funny.

Oh yeah I can totally see that! Like Alex’s parents used to be dancers and they wanted to get him into it - he loved it but like you say it was too painful once they didn’t accept him. I feel like he and Julie could bond over that, and she would gently encourage him to get back into dance like she did with music and he finally does at the Dirty Candi performance!!!

Ok that was about as long as I was expecting it to be but still extremely long 😂 I love how all of this came from two posts about a jigsaw lmaooo

[kny-imagines]

burning [me], burning [you]

dedicated to my dear friend @kimetsu-no-yaiba-imagines (sending lots of love and support your way! pls survive your internship!!) and my wife @knybits who likes to cry about tanjirou a lot!!

special thanks to @knyimagines for being my mental support as i cried blood while writing this.

↬ sum;

you smile a lot, but it never reaches your eyes. kamado tanjirou, however, has the sweetest smile you’ve ever laid your eyes upon.

↬ ch; kamado tanjirou x gn!reader

↬ genre; angst; fluff

↬ warnings; none (except slight angst LOL)

↬ words; +1.8k

You smile a lot, but it never reaches your eyes. 

You weren‘t always like this, you recall. Years ago, buried somewhere deep in your memories, you were as carefree and happy as a bird. You soared above skies, looked down the vast scenery and felt like the ruler of a kingdom beyond imagination. But soon reality caught up to you and ripped your wings off your back. Before you knew it, you were flying headfirst into the ground.

 "Demons" you had heard them say. „Poor thing. Losing their family like that." 

The scars still burn, but you never show it.

____

You first meet Kamado Tanjirou in April and he comes in like a wild spring breeze.

 He makes a huge commotion with his appearance, and soon all residents of the Butterfly Estate are all over him. You don‘t pay him much mind; it has always been your preference to stay uninvolved with others. „Stay out of my business and I‘ll stay out of yours". That had always been your policy and so far everyone seemed to have gotten the silent note. Everyone except Tanjirou. 

“_____ you always smile, but are you happy? You seem so sad...” he asks one day after you you had brought him his meal. 

This aggravates you. You didn‘t spend years building the perfect facade just for some random guy to break it all apart. You excuse yourself and leave. It‘s cowardly, but you feel like staying with him in a room any longer might make you lose your composure and you don‘t want that to happen. You may have locked away your feelings, however, you still have pride.

____

Avoiding a guy like Kamado Tanjirou is hard. Like the wind, he comes fluttering in and before you know it you‘re surrounded by him. You know he means well whenever he tries to spend time with you. Maybe that‘s why he irritates you so much. You can‘t see a single trace of malice on his face and that scares you. You don‘t want nice things in your life. They only give you a false sense of security just for them to disappear again. They exist to give you a taste of happiness and even the worse aftertaste of loss and failure. You already had your share of pain and you‘re certainly not looking for more.

Soon enough you learn that Tanjirou is a very stubborn person. Subtlety doesn‘t work with him and even when you tell him bluntly that you don‘t want his company he completely misinterprets your words and bothers you the very next day again.

“Nezuko is very important to me,” he tells you one day. You're both sitting outside the porch and you pretend not to listen, yet he continues. “She's very important to me, but so are my mother, my father, and my many beloved younger siblings. I grieve their deaths, but I know I have to live my life to the fullest for them” 

You stay quiet and decide to play with the hem of your long Kimono sleeve instead. A red thread has come loose and you rip it off. Tanjirou doesn't say anything anymore.

____

Tanjirou has a sweet smile. Honest and warm - unlike yours. He‘s well-liked by both low-ranked demon slayers and pillars. Someone as bitter as you has no place next to him, you believe. He belongs somewhere up in the skies; He‘s the sun himself. You, on the other hand, belong hidden deep inside an abandoned tower. But even so, he seems to look for your presence. You push him away, he pulls you back - it‘s a never-ending game you‘re not sure of how to stop. (You don‘t know if you want it to stop.)

When you're both together, neither of you talks much - and if anyone talks it's always Tanjirou. He usually just rambles about his day, tells you about his friends and all the crazy things he had done. You would never admit it, but around him, you feel like you can put off your mask for a little while. 

“Your voice reminds me of the gentle sounds of wind chimes. It has a nice ring to it”, you mutter a little too loudly for your comfort. Seeing Tanjirous apple-red cheeks and beaming smile makes it all worth though.

It's when you're about to doze off in the sun as Tanjirou fondly brushes your hair aside, your anxieties rush back in. Tanjirou had gotten closer to you than anyone was ever supposed to. The ice around your heart had slowly begun melting and all your alarm signals were ringing. Your head hurts. Your scars burn. You hate feeling this way.

Letting people into your heart means losing them, you‘ve learned that much by now. So you do what you‘re the best at: You shut them out.

Your eyes shoot open and you slap his hand away. Your heartbeat quickens and you try to get as much space between you and him. You don't even dare to look him into the eyes - you don't need to look to know what expression he must make right now. The silence lies heavy; You walk away.

____

The next days you try your hardest to avoid him, but it's much more challenging than you had anticipated. In the deepest of your heart, you had hoped for him to get angry at you - not to openly seek you out so much. 

“That's enough.”

It's the first you've spoken to him in weeks and you're surprised by how calm you sound. (It's only a facade: Your hands are sweaty and your heart wants to jump out of your chest.) 

“Let's stop these fake games. I've had enough of this childish nonsense.” 

The whole world is spinning; You're getting dizzy. 

“I don't want you around me anymore, it's honestly such a pain. You don't really mean this, do you?”

“I don't understand-” His voice is trembling. “Please let me understand-” 

You don‘t want to be understood. You just want to be left alone. If you can‘t fly up high the skies anymore, you‘d at least like to be left alone in your ivory tower. Your voice is dripping with malice. "Stop bothering me. It's getting creepy.”

It all falls apart (like most nice things, you muse). It‘s your fault and you know it, but the pitiful person inside of you tries to reassure you it‘s for the better; It‘s to protect yourself from hurting. You know you shouldn't turn around, but you do it anyways and immediately regret it. Seeing his pained expressions sends a bullet through your heart. Walking away burns. You've hurt him. You've hurt him and now you're paying the price. You don't look back anymore.

____

During the night your scars burn the most. Memories of a happier time leading to a painful night come rushing back in and leave you screaming in agony. You wake up to a dry throat and a body covered in cold sweat.

The wooden floor is cold beneath your feet and brings you back to reality with each step you take. Nights like these aren't uncommon, but you never truly get used to them. Your body still shivers like the first time and your heart still beats so quickly, that you'd prefer it if you could just rip it out with your own two hands. Maybe then life would be easier.

Whenever breathing becomes a hassle, you escape outside. The wind howls and you can hear raindrops falling. There‘s something nostalgic about the wind and you let out such a bitter laugh that it hurts your dry throat. 

Regret? You don‘t regret turning a gentle spring breeze into a distant wind. It‘s better this way. It has always been. 

But the rain keeps getting louder; everything is so noisy, so annoying. Everything hurts. Your back burns. Your eyes burn. Your head feels dizzy. Your mind is clouded. 1000 things are happening at once and your head screams at you for being unable to process them. You just want to forget. Forget what it felt like to be close to others, what it felt like to be vulnerable. 

It burns. So you drown it. Your lungs burn, but your scars burn worse. There‘s a scorching pain in your back and no matter how much you engulf yourself in water, it always comes back, taunting you for your weakness.

You don‘t know what‘s more painful: Drowning yourself or coming back up to gasp for air. In the back of your mind, you can see your parents, but their faces are always blacked out. You‘ve disappointed them again.

And then Tanjirou is suddenly there. His features seem to be glowing underneath the moonlight and his hands look blurry and soft when they reach out to you. He takes you in his arms and carries you through the rain. 

There are many things you want to tell him. You want to tell him that you‘re sorry. That you meant none of the things that you told him. That he‘s the only one who made you feel like you‘re flying again and that it just made you so terribly scared. That you‘re just a scared person in general. A coward. 

But you‘re so, so tired and your mouth is too dry to form any coherent sentences. So you just cling to him and cry.

____

This time you wake up to sunlight and a weight on your stomach. Though the weight disappears as soon as you shift around on your bed and instead you‘re greeted with deep magenta eyes. “

Tanjirou?”

“Yes?”

“I‘m sorry.” 

He smiles and your eyes start to water again.

____

His hands are a bit rough but feel gentle against yours. 

“Your scent was always so faint, it almost felt like you were on the verge of disappearing. I suppose this made me curious, but I don‘t regret it.” 

Tanjirou has always been gentle. Gentle back then and gentle right now. 

Words are still too difficult to use sometimes, so you do what comes naturally to you and kiss his hands. You kiss his hands, his arms, his neck, his chin, his cheek, and his forehead until he takes your cheeks to stop you.

If Tanjirou‘s smile would be the sun, then his cheeks would be the sunset tinted in pink. Staring into his eyes makes you feel like you‘re drowning all over again, but it doesn‘t bother you. You close the gap and pull him with you under. 

With each kiss, the ice around your heart melts and you drown even deeper. You‘re floating in a sea of water that was once ice and you‘ve never felt freer. When both of you pull back, Tanjirou smiles and you smile back.

____

You lost your wings a long time ago; Every now and then the ache of your scars remind you of that. Yet Tanjirou's gentle wind carries you up high and makes your heart soar again. 

[Finally, your mask crumbles and gets carried away by his spring breeze.]

[haikyuu-matches]

@ my-me1ody 

hi lily ! it’s vy from quotev ^o^ finally set up a tumblr lol ~ this may be a little long ? anyway if it is you can just skim or delete the unnecessary parts haha. hope you’re doing well ~ and stay safe ^o^

general: female / she - her, heterosexual, aries sun&moon, libra rising, infp

personality: i’m pretty quiet to strangers ^^ and very polite. i’m the type to add “miss/mister” in front of names if the person seems older. pretty shy at first, i hate confrontation and try to avoid that haha. i can be really loud and talkative to my friends. i’m really critical of myself, but i tend to neglect the flaws of others and only look at the best. i usually out others’ interests in front of my own, which is a habit i’ve formed especially since i’m the eldest and only daughter of three. i’m pretty naive with little to no common sense, which is typical of a book-smart girl ^^’. i can be clumsy, i have butter fingers and trip a lot. i’m also really sensitive and i feel emotions in short bursts. i laugh really easily but i also cry very easily. when frustrated, i cry - scared, i cry - sad, i cry - disappointed, i cry. i’ve never cried due to happiness though, strangely. my motivation and ambitions are heavily reliant on my fear of disappointing others, usually my parents.

basic appearance: 151cm/39kg, black hair with blunt bangs past my waist, i’ve been told i look like a “vietnamese princess” type of girl. i definitely lean towards the cuter side vs pretty/hot side.

hobbies/interests: — reading, mostly romantic fiction ~ because i long for those kinds of things TT even though i’ve never had a true irl crush before lol.  — crocheting, i like making small stuffies. -— baking, i really, really suck it it. very much so, but i like to do it … haha

likes: — reading — anime/manga — cute things, i absolutely adore anything cute and/or fluffy/soft. just wanna squish. — food, i am an absolute foodie, and i can eat a l o t for my size ^o^. but i have a low tolerance for spice/sourness

dislikes: — scary things — criticism — false accusations

fears: — bugs/spiders, if it has multiple legs and or wings, i’m terrified. i nearly cried because a ladybug almost landed on me once, i have an irrational fear of bugs. — demons/paranormal, friggin scary, no other explanation needed. — heights, i tend to overthink things a lot, especially with things that can go wrong, since i lean towards pessimism for myself but optimism for others. — anything scary, i’m a huge coward. anything scary, i’m probably scared of it TT

fun facts: — i played the violin from age 4, but had no motivation due to constant criticism from my parents, so i’m pretty bad at it. i can do the bare minimum and get into local orchestras/symphonies. — i’m allergic to basically everything, including peanuts, grass, trees, and pollen. i developed immunity to some like milk, wheat, soy, and fish ^^. — i’m a speed reader, i can read 500 page novels in around 8 hours or less if i’m interested. —  i can cram-memorize something, but will forget it all shortly after.

thank you so much lily ! i hope you have a great day :)

✶⋆｡˚☆ﾟ✦

vy! you’re literally so precious; i hope you like your matchup !! (❁´▽`❁)*✲ﾟ*

˚✶⋆｡˚☆ﾟ✦

i match you up with … 𝐎𝐈𝐊𝐀𝐖𝐀 𝐓𝐎𝐎𝐑𝐔 !!

i think you & oikawa would make such a cute match just because you’d balance him out & i think your overall demeanor definitely makes him attracted to you from the get go.

given that you’re more of a shy, book-smart girl, i feel oikawa woudn’t really know of your existence at first. but when he does end up interacting with you, he definitely gets that “dang. .  .who is she?” and the “why haven’t i seen her around before?” feeling. 

plus the fact you look like a vietnamese princess definitely makes him attracted to you, at least from a superficial standpoint. 

anyway, oikawa will definitely take in the little things that you do- he’ll notice how polite & considerate you are of others, how you are sensitive but in a good way wherein you have the biggest heart.

honestly, the people who are genuine & wear their hearts on their sleeves? that’s the kind of people oikawa would go for just because he doesn’t have to play mind games or guessing games with that kind of person. 

they make him soft, too?? 

and this coupled with the fact you like to see the good in people? mhm yeah- oikawa will definitely be content whenever he’s around you because for once, he won’t be overly smothered by fangirls or on the flip side, told that he has a shitty personality.

when it comes to you, he’ll feel an overwhelming urge to just hug you whenever you cry & wipe away your tears tenderly because he’s weak to your crying face. and if you were to cry because of him, he’d want it to be out of happiness.

in passing, oikawa also notices the way you look out for others & the fact you try your hardest to succeed, due to your fear of disappointing others.

he might try to persuade you to succeed for yourself and not be driven for the sake of others but that’s another topic of discussion. he honestly just wants you to be happy & i don’t think he’s the type to push his significant others too hard?? unless of course he thinks he’ll truly be helping them.

supportive oikawa?? for you, of course.

okay so … he’ll most likely seek you out because i get the vibes you wouldn’t be like his annoying fangirls or someone who would fault him for his passion for volleyball. in fact, you probably become his fan when you watch him play for the first time! just not in a crazy way.

anyway, i get the sense at the beginning stages of your interactions with him, you may be even indifferent of him?? especially at first! like, oikawa’s name is well known, however, you’re out here, studying & being a big brain ( like danng, you’re a speed reader. okay i see you! )  that you really never been apart of the oikawa hype train.

which means oikawa is even more interested in you. cliche trope i know but still.

oikawa is a bit childish & has a boyish charm about him, so he probably will lightly tease you for your clumsiness for your attention. it’s his way of showing affection to you. in all honesty, he can switch from being a little mean to you to absolutely lecturing you about how amazing you are when you’re being too critical of yourself. he’ll pout & comment how he doesn’t like how you treat yourself.

he knows you don’t like the criticism… but-

how can you not see what he sees?

you find that he’s both smart & dumb, kind & mean, mature & childish… and you wouldn’t have him any other way. you probably end up poking light-hearted fun at him as payback for him teasing you.

side note– he finds that your ambitions & interests are really cool. basically, you’re hella smart, play the violin, bake, and crochet?? he’ll be blown away by how cute your stuffies are & at the same time, he’s like “yeah that makes sense” because you’re cute yourself.

he probably shows off your talents & just how adorable you are to his teammates all the time to the point iwaizumi has to be like “shut up, we get it, your new girlfriend is amazing.” because his teammates are basically so, so envious & oikawa knows it.

on top of that, i can imagine oikawa absolutely brimming with happiness once you show him your talkative & loud side– he’ll feel so accomplished that you’d open up to him like that. he might have a smug face like “yeah i knew you’d open up”, but really he’s ecstatic.

once you guys become official, oikawa will be so affectionate with you?? like it’ll be a little embarrassing & perhaps overwhelming at first, but overall endearing. he’ll pull all the romantic fiction moves– from cute nicknames to late night convos to classic dates… but he can also have a chill, laid-back side in the sense he just wants to be with you & not everything has to be perfect. especially since you both get busy-

when you’re able to, you guys probably go out to eat a lot & take aesthetically pleasing foodie pictures & cute selfies & ah it’s just perfection.

in the end, i think you’d make a wholesome match & you guys end up making each other better by being together?? 

also you two are so photogenic, so people would be like “of course they’d be together- they look so good together”- 

possible runner-ups:

bokuto koutarou

hinata shouyou

˚✶⋆｡˚☆ﾟ✦

— lily ! ♡

[rakuyokoyo]

APWTCB: I hope BNHA goes to America!

Hello! Quick updates, some Koyo Predicts with some APWTCB notes, and RD chapter 14 snippets!

—

Romance Dawn (a One Piece Story) chapter 14 is finally in the editing phase. It’s the last chapter of the arc and the future of RD seems very unclear, hence the long writing time. I plotted 130 chapters back in 2016, but now it looks like there needs to be another revamp as my standards have changed. Sigh.

I’m not rewriting anything, but I think some of the story for future arcs post-Amare needs serious attention. What I decide to do next will change the ending of chapter 14, so I’m sorry for the long wait!

APWTCB (a BNHA story) are the acronyms for TBE’s new title! There were three major reasons as to why I never published APWTCB: (1), there are twelve OC families, but I wasn’t sure how to write eleven of them (lol), (2) I’ve become increasingly anal about chapter titles, and of course, chapter 1′s title was the hardest to choose, and (3), I wasn’t happy with the original name for this story because it didn’t hit hard enough for all the love and labour I’d put in.

Surprisingly, I was able to solve these issues last week! I still don’t think chapter 1 will be out anytime soon, but the chapter title has changed from TBE to APWTCB. Yes it’s long, yes it’s ugly, but I think it suits the story much better. TBE Notes and #tbenotes will both be altered to APWTCB Notes/#APWTCBnotes from now on.

—

Koyo Predicts/APWTCB Notes:

So, the end of an arc. Chapter 253 and the start of the Paranormal Liberation War Arc began on December 9th, 2019, and is (likely) on its last legs, over a year later.

I wrote a few predictions (here) last year and they went pretty well, with the big wringer being able to guess Bakugo’s hero name. I don’t make predictions to gloat or even start a conversation, but fanfiction writing requires you to assume certain things will happen, especially if you’re writing an OC.

I’d call these less predictions, and more of ‘this is what I’m assuming is going to happen, so I’ll write accordingly’.

The way that this arc ends doesn’t exactly matter—Twitter seems to think Deku will have his own mini-arc with the vestiges. Sure.

There may be a 1-A or 1-B student who dies or leaves (after being revealed to  be the traitor), and Shinso Hitoshi will fill the seat.

I also think BNHA might end—at least the Hero Academia side of it. They might focus more on pt. 2 with Movie 3 and the ‘WHA’ badges the Origin Trio had on their arms and go global. (World Hero Association?) Maybe a timeskip as well.

I’d personally love it if the cast goes abroad. This is a bit of spoilers, but Kana was raised in France/United States (California), so it’d be nice to not have to bring everyone to Japan. From the twelve families that I mentioned earlier, many of them still live in L.A and have hero names that are created from compounded words: Warmachine, Foxnine, Stormchaser, Braveheart, Heartmender, Oathkeeper, Lovelace, and Overdrive are the major ones for now.

The direction of BNHA has been... odd with the start of Season 4/Shie Hassaikai arc, and APWTCB has been especially hard to write because I’m never sure how dark BNHA will turn, or what Horikoshi’s end goal is. Regardless, Kana’s story continues to be written and Scrivener tells me I’ve hit 200k words yesterday! It’s looking to be extremely dark which was the opposite of what I wanted, but it’s also a story about hope, and I want to do it justice.

—

Romance Dawn chapter 14 snippet: sorry for the wait!

She tried over and over again.

Most of her nights on Root Island had been dreamless and uneventful—no memories of the past and certainly no predictions of the future. Always dark, dark, and alone, helping her rest well for the next uneventful day.

But now there was someone she specifically wanted to meet, and yet she was never there.

What do I have to do? She found herself asking daily. How can I see you again, Amare?

The answers were disappointing.

One thing that’d changed from her time on Root Island, however, was that she did dream—quite frequently, in fact. Instead of the vast expanse of familiar darkness, she found herself time to time on a cliffside that poked out from a seemingly infinite forest. Next to her was a massive waterfall, the waves crashing down onto a pretty pond below her. Connecting the cliff to the other side, however, was a red, arched bridge with a pale, wooden flooring. The other side didn’t look too interesting—just another forest—but something inside of her always hesitated when she thought about crossing. The shide streamers tied onto the side of the traditional bridge swayed gently with the soft tickle of wind, tugging on her hazel hair.

Something about the scenery made her heart hurt. A weight that made her uncomfortable, but not painful enough to cry out. On some of the rougher nights she felt that the weight was replaced with a hole—as if someone had carved out a part of her heart and was forcing her to live like a fish on dry land.

She also knew that the days on the Moby Dick had gone by disturbingly fast, to the point where everything became blurry and melded into a giant mush of colours. The funeral proceedings for Carlos’ platoon and Amare had gone by without a hitch but she could barely recall any of the details. There were no more tears left to cry. No more strength left to fight.

“What’s the point of a funeral with an empty casket?” She’d asked her captain when they stopped by a nearby island. “That little girl is out there somewhere, so far away from home. Can’t you at least bring her body back with your influence?”

The captain gave her a careful glance. “I’ve contacted Sengoku, but…”

“But what?”

Falco shook her head quickly. Many of her crewmates had come to her, offering condolences and words of hope and strength in an attempt to lessen her grief, and Falco realized for the first time how many people truly seemed to care for her. Florence always made sure to pop between her rounds, checking up on her before scurrying away to tend to another injury. Thatch and Marco treated her like nothing happened, trying to lift her spirits with their usual jokes and antics. People she’d never even talked to asked if she was all right, if she needed anything or if there was anything they could to ease the burden a bit. She appreciated the help, honestly, but there actually wasn’t much in her head. There’d been no tears after they’d returned. No pain.

Nothing.

One thing she had noticed though was the dormant memory problem—like her brain was lacking storage and the only thing that it could do was to either throw out the oldest memories or the most painful ones. Root Island was all but a distant past now, and the only thing she could remember was the very first time she’d met her two best friends—a man brighter than the sun and a little girl who always seemed to know her better than she did herself.

Although Falco knew she couldn’t exactly control who she wanted to remember and what she wanted to let go, the possibility that she could forget everything that hurt her one day felt comforting, in a way.

Amare.

Fingers curled up to a tight fist as her heart felt the resolve that she so desperately needed.

I have to leave, she told herself, feeling the tears roll down her cheeks. Leave, and never look back. Think of this as a happy dream with a tragic ending.

But to forget hurt would mean forgetting Love. And yet, remembering Amare would mean reliving that nightmare over and over again. The sound of Ace’s heart shattering into a million pieces. Her screams and cries that refused to bring a little girl back to life. The desperate shouting of everyone around her, trying to get her to wake up. A flatline.

The rose pendant felt heavy around her neck.

[metamorphicrocky]

Leather Jacket

y’all were so hyped over this headcanon earlier that I took the fic I was writing about the headcanon and completely rewrote it. some surprises are afoot, so beware of that fun stuff. enjoy!!

Little Cato is walking through a bustling market, his hand being held by someone else's. Tonight is much busier than he thought it would be, so he tightens his hold on the hand. Getting lost in this crowd would not be good.

"Can we get street meat?"

Little Cato laughs, glancing down at the hand he's holding. The little human girl is smiling up at him, and she starts swinging their hands back and forth.

"Yeah, of course we can," he says, leading her towards the least sketchy stand.

She points eagerly at the largest kebab he's ever seen, but he buys it for her anyways with the intent to eat the rest that she can't finish. It's, uh, definitely expensive. Now he understands how Gary must have felt whenever he asked for anything.

They continue to bounce around from stand to stand, Little Cato buying whatever they need for home. Once they've seen everything, he steers her back to his hovercycle. He packs up the groceries, makes sure the kid is secure so that she doesn't fall off and die on the way back, and then sets off for home.

The ride is calm, his kid hugging his torso with her little arms, the cool wind breezing and rustling the leaves. The sun is almost set, and the two moons are rising in tandem, one much larger than the other.

They get home safely, and they put the groceries away together. Little Cato is planning on starting on a random house chore when his hand is grabbed, and he's dragged outside by his girl.

"Stars! Cato, I wanna see 'em!" she insists, trying her hardest to drag him along as he slowly walks along.

He laughs. "Okay, okay, I'm coming, Grace."

They walk out to the clearest part of the property, and they sit down on the grass and stare at the night sky. The heart of a galaxy can be seen, and Grace has a giant smile on her face. The wind blows again, and it causes the girl to shiver.

Little Cato immediately takes off his leather jacket and wraps it around her shoulders. He laughs as it completely engulfs the child, swallowing her up whole. Grace quickly snuggles into its warmth, and she smiles up at him.

"Your jacket is really warm," she states.

Little Cato smiles fondly. "You know, this was your grandpa's."

Grace gasps dramatically and leans up towards him. "Papa Gary?!" she shouts excitedly. "Now you gotta tell me the story!"

"Oh, so now it's storytime? I thought you wanted to look at the stars?" Little Cato teases.

"Story! Story! Story!"

He laughs, ruffling her hair intensely. Grace laughs at it, swatting his hand away playfully. "So, our story starts not too long after Gary adopted me...."

----

Little Cato and Gary were walking around a festival during the fall, and it had been super fun so far. Well, until now. Mainly because Gary told Little Cato to grab a jacket since it would be cold, and he thought he could handle the weather. However, after about an hour, it was getting a bit too cold.

Okay, yeah, he was shivering. But he could handle it! He'd been through worse, a little chilly weather wouldn't stop him from having fun!

He was so caught up in trying to not be cold that he didn't notice that Gary had taken off his jacket until it hit him in the face.

Little Cato caught it and spluttered, staring at his dad in shock. "What was that for?"

Gary gestured to the jacket. "You didn't answer me, so now put it on."

"I don't—"

Gary leveled him with his dad look that said he wasn't going to argue about this, so Little Cato put it on with a huff and oh—

"It's so warm," Little Cato whispered, staring up at Gary in shock, his arms spread out at his sides.

His dad burst out laughing, doubling over and clutching at his stomach in pure amusement over the sight of the Ventrexian in the jacket. Little Cato looked at himself, and he could understand why his dad was curled up on the dirt in hysterics. The sleeves were dripping off of his hands, and the jacket went down to his knees.

He wanted to be mad, but the jacket was just so warm. But honestly, the longer Gary was rolling around on the ground for, the more attention was brought to him. To say the least, a lot of people saw him and were also very entertained by how the jacket engulfed him.

"Gary!" Little Cato whisper-yelled, starting to get a little bit embarrassed.

His dad stood up finally, still laughing. He wiped away a few tears, and he started to calm it down to only giggles.

"Okay, okay. I'm sorry, it's just...so big on you." Gary tried to stifle a laugh, and he took out his phone to take a picture of a disgruntled Little Cato. "It's so cute!"

Little Cato tried to hide a smile while he started to struggle to roll up the sleeves because the other sleeve would get in the way, so Gary knelt down and did it for him. That definitely did not ease the embarrassment of looking like a little kid, but it didn't really matter when he thought about how nice the jacket was. No wonder Gary never took it off.

Gary ruffled his hair when he was done. "Isn't it much better to be warm?"

The kid nodded, then laughed excitedly as Gary swung him up unexpectedly onto his back in a piggyback ride.

----

That day on, Little Cato knew how comfortable and comforting that jacket could be. The first time he stole it, he was upset over something, and Gary was busy doing something that Little Cato didn't want to interrupt. Those were the days when he was still worried about bothering his dad with his problems.

The Ventrexian was just wandering the Crimson Light, rubbing away at tears, when he noticed the jacket just lying on the back of a chair. He grabbed it instantly and put it on. The scent of Gary that was on the jacket, an odd mix of metal and mechanical grease, comforted him, so he just curled up in an empty closet and cried until Gary found him later.

If he had been surprised about the kid wearing his jacket, he didn't show it because he was mainly concerned about how Little Cato was upset.

After this, Little Cato realized just how much he liked the jacket. One, it looked cool. Two, it was warm. And three, it reminded him of Gary, which made a lot of sense seeing as how it was his jacket.

So, the kid made it a habit to steal it whenever he wanted it. At first the habit was manageable, where he would only take it if he was upset or cold. But the longer it went on, the more he wanted to wear it. It was so frequent that he would take it that Gary actually grounded him once for taking it and refusing to give it back when his dad had to go out to do something important. His dad didn't mind that he liked to wear it, but it did take a stern conversation for Little Cato to agree to relinquish the jacket back to its owner when Gary wanted it.

Little Cato missed it when he didn't have it, so he bought the first leather jacket he could find. It wasn't the same at all, and he hated it. Turned out that he didn't just love it because it was a cool-looking jacket, but because it was Gary's.

As he grew up, he grew into it. When he was just about to turn sixteen, he mostly fit into it. He was a bit skinnier than his dad, who had bulked up a bit over the years, but it still fit. But as he grew older, he felt that he couldn't keep taking a jacket like some scared kid. Little Cato kept doing it, but the odd guilt was there every time.

His sixteenth birthday rolled around, and his friends and family all came for a party that Gary put together. It wasn't that many people, but it was still nice. He was given so many presents, and he loved all of them. Honestly, Gary gave him way too many, but they were all amazing, especially the hovercycle, even though it was old and beat up.

"Wow, thank you all so much. This was like, way too much," Little Cato said, pushing his unstyled hair away from his eyes.

Gary put a hand on his shoulder and smiled fondly. "There's one last gift, little buddy."

Little Cato spun towards his dad in shock. "Seriously? You did not have to do all of this."

Gary just smiled brighter, how that was possible Little Cato didn't know, but it was the most fond and proud smile he had ever seen on the man's face. His dad just took his jacket off and carefully held it out to his boy.

Little Cato was confused. "Is the present...in your pocket?"

His dad laughed quietly. "Spidercat, say hello to your new jacket."

Holy shit. Little Cato's jaw dropped to the floor, and he shook his head in disbelief. This was not real. This was not happening right now.

"But Dad, that's your jacket. You can't just...give it to me!"

His dad just walked closer to him, still holding the jacket out in front of him. "Yes I can, kiddo. It's yours. Ever since you started stealing it, I've been planning on giving it to you when you actually fit in it." Gary laughed again. "Now come on, put it on before my arm falls off."

Gently, Little Cato took it out of Gary's hands. He just stared at it in awe for a moment even though he had literally worn it thousands of times. Slowly, he slipped his arms in the sleeves, then spread his arms out to see how it felt.

Gary smirked teasingly. "Damn, I think I might have gotten the wrong size." The people around him laughed. "It's fine though, you'll grow into it. How does it feel, bud?"

Little Cato stayed silent, just continuing to stare at his dad in surprise. Gary's smile fell the longer he stayed quiet, but then his expression turned concerned, making him quickly cross the short distance between them.

He placed his hand on his kid's cheek and wiped away tears that Little Cato didn't realize were there. "Hey, what's wrong?" Gary gently asked.

The Ventrexian shook his head. "Nothing," he said, his voice choked up from the tears. "It's perfect. It's really, really perfect."

He smiled wetly as he continued to cry, but then he pulled his dad into the strongest hug ever, burying his face into Gary's shoulder. Gary hugged back just as strongly, one hand rubbing his back and the other carding through the fur on the back of his head.

"Thank you so much," Little Cato cried. "I love it."

Gary pressed a kiss to his forehead. "I'm glad, buddy. I don't know what I would have done if you didn't."

Little Cato laughed, pulling away slightly to look his dad in the eyes. Oh great, he got Gary to start crying, too.

"I love you, Dad. This is the best present I'll probably ever get."

"I love you, too, kiddo." Gary smiled fondly and wiped away his tears. "Come on, now it's time for cake."

----

Grace laughs, leaning into Little Cato's side to stifle her very adorable giggles.

"Papa Gary was being silly if he thought you would hate it," she stated firmly.

Little Cato laughs, but it quickly turns into a frown.

"Actually, there was a time after that where I hated the jacket," he says sadly. "And Papa Gary."

Grace's face falls, and she quickly holds his hand for support. "Why?" Her voice isn't judging, just concerned over why he would hate someone he has only talked fondly about.

He sighs and looks up at the twinkling stars.

"Because he died."

----

It had been a week since the final battle with Invictus. Little Cato had just woken up after sobbing himself to sleep in his grief. He didn't want to get up. He picked up his phone and looked at the time to see that it was the middle of the night. He continued to just stare at the time, but his eyes caught on his lockscreen.

The tears came back full force, his hand beginning to shake over the picture Quinn took of him and his dad wrestling on the beach. Giant grins adorned both of their faces, both of them were soaking wet, but it had been such a nice day. He remembered that Gary had accidentally thrown a frisbee right into another dad's face, and the fight that followed was the funniest thing he had ever seen.

A choked up laugh escaped his lips at the memory, and he began sobbing in full force again. He was glad that the lights were off so that he wouldn't be forced to look at every piece of his dad around the room. He clutched onto Gary's leather jacket like it was his only lifeline, but it really was. One of the last intentional pieces of himself that he had left behind in his death.

Little Cato punched the wall next to him, his chest heaving as he cried out what little bit of his soul was left.

His door opened suddenly, light flooding in from the hallway, illuminating the pictures, posters, and items around his room that screamed Gary at him, painfully reminding him that his dad left him behind.

Little Cato miserably looked up from his pillow to see Quinn standing in the doorway, a glass of water in her hand. He didn't say anything, so she came into the room and sat on the edge of his bed.

"Drink," she ordered, shoving the glass into his hands. He just stared at it with dead eyes, so she repeated herself, "Drink it."

Little Cato pushed himself into a sitting position and drank the glass, slamming it onto his table when it was empty.

"Come and get something to eat," she said quietly.

He shook his head. "Not hungry," he rasped. He hadn't done anything except cry and scream for days.

Quinn closed her eyes, clearly trying to compose herself. "You know that he would want you to eat."

Anger sparked inside Little Cato, and he spat, "What he would have wanted doesn't matter."

"Come on, don't say things like that," she said quietly.

"He left me after he promised not to." His hand curled into a shaking fist around the leather jacket. "I hate him."

"Little Cato!" Quinn exclaimed, grabbing his shoulders. "You don't mean that and you know it."

What he was feeling wasn't anger, it was pure fury and rage. "You two talked about him doing that. You knew that he was gonna die, so you said your goodbyes. But I didn't!"

"Little—!"

"No!" he yelled, his other emotions finally coming out. "He looked me right in the eyes and said, 'I promise not to sacrifice myself for you.' He lied to me because I don't see him here right now! I trusted him like a stupid fucking kid, but all he did was give me false hope and leave me alone to pick up the pieces!"

He was seething now, his chest rising and falling rapidly as more tears poured down his face, hot and angry.

Quinn stayed silent, tears of her own pooling in her eyes. She grabbed his hands and held them in her own, forcing his attention on her. "The only reason he did that is because he loves you so much, you have to know that. He couldn't stand to see you get hurt," she pleaded with him.

Little Cato moaned, another sob breaking through. "If he loved me, then he would have known that him dying is what would hurt me the most."

The Ventrexian huffed, choking on another sob. "You loved him, too. How are you not mad that he would do that?"

"Oh, kiddo," Quinn sighed, placing a hand on Little Cato's cheek. "I'm more pissed than you, and your dad knew it. I made sure to tell him that I would never forgive him if he did this, and he was fine with it if it meant he finally got true closure in ending Invictus himself."

He sniffed, leaning into Quinn's hand. "Why was he fine with hurting us?"

"You can't have love without hurt, cookie cat." She smiled sadly at him, then stood up. "Get some actual rest, and maybe it'll make more sense in the morning."

She left without another word, shutting the door behind her. He did sleep, but it never made more sense. After several funeral services, after so much crying, and after absolutely everything, Little Cato still hated him.

The now young adult had been putting away every item that screamed Gary at him into boxes, hiding them in the attic to never look at them again. His room had basically been gutted, there was so much. Finally today, everything had been removed. Quinn didn't approve, but she didn't understand how betrayed he felt either.

Little Cato sighed heavily, and his eyes caught on one last item...his dad's leather jacket. He grabbed it off of his bed and held it up to the window, the light of the setting sun surrounding it in a beautiful halo. His hands shook, his knuckles tightening in the material.

This...this was the last link to his dad. The dad who left him, knowing that this was the only thing that couldn't happen....

He was going to burn it.

Little Cato quickly put it on, grabbing a lighter on his way to the garage. He slammed the door open, and he jumped onto his hovercycle, taking off into the approaching night. There was a cliff nearby where Gary would take him on occasion, and it was perfect for burning things to lose them for eternity.

In the back of his mind, he noticed how pretty the purple and red and orange of the sunset blended into the dark sky, stars he used to explore glistening in the cloudless sky. No, he shouldn't think about that part of his life, it would only make this worse. He sped up, trying to outrace his thoughts.

Soon enough, Little Cato slowed his bike, coming to a stop a little bit away from the edge of the cliff. He stepped off and walked to the edge, having a direct line of sight to the setting sun.

He gently took the jacket off, holding it out in front of himself like he did when it was first given to him.

The boy sighed, dropping his head back to stare at the sky above him. "I said that this was the best gift ever, but it isn't. It was you, Dad."

He took in a deep breath, closing his eyes. And then he opened them, and glared at the jacket in front of him. "But that was before, and this is now!" Little Cato shouted, whipping out the lighter and flicking it on, holding it to the edge of the coat.

The flames licked at the leather jacket that didn't even smell like its original owner anymore, slowly burning away his only remaining attachment to his dad. He watched the flames catch on the jacket, so he set it down on the ground and watched.

Well, he would have, if he hadn't noticed a piece of paper sticking out of one of the pockets. He plucked it before the fire could consume it, his curiosity getting the better of him. It was a note in his dad's handwriting, simply saying "treehouse."

"Oh fuck," he whispered.

Immediately he burst into action, stomping furiously on the jacket to put out the flames. Thank god that he had only burned a small area on the bottom, otherwise he would feel even worse than he already did.

The boy picked the jacket up and slipped it on, his tears quickly making themselves known. He crashed to his knees and wrapped his arms around his torso, feeling the regret come on strong.

"Buddy, did I ever tell you that I burned down my house?" Gary asked randomly one day while they were playing cards.

Little Cato dropped his deck of cards, staring at him in shock and confusion. "What the hell?! No, you absolutely did not tell me this, and now I need to know every detail."

Gary laughed awkwardly, rubbing the back of his neck. "After my dad died, I stayed in our house alone for a long time. The longer I stayed there, the more angry I got over my whole...situation. I was kind of an idiot, and also like twelve, so I thought the best way to leave it all behind was to burn the bridges. Well, house and treehouse, in this example."

The kid frowned, swinging himself over to sit next to Gary in the booth. His dad looked down at him and smiled sadly, ruffling his hair gently.

"Truth? I didn't regret it until a few days after I adopted you," he admitted quietly.

"Why?" Little Cato questioned, genuinely curious.

"I don't have anything to pass down to you that means something to me. If the Earth was still around, I would have loved to show you my treehouse. That's where all the memories were," Gary finished softly, smiling at him with a fond and loving expression, only to slap down a winning hand of cards with a laugh.

"Fuck you, Dad," Little Cato laughed, watching his tears drip down onto the hard ground. "You're still being you even when I'm alone."

He sat up, letting his silent tears continue as the sun finally dipped below the horizon, only the constellations providing light to see the last etched words of his dad.

Wasn't that a fitting closure.

----

Grace hugs him around the waist, and he hugs her back.

"Do you miss him?"

Her eyes are staring right into his soul, and he knows that he would give up everything for those eyes to see the universe. He didn't understand why his dad did what he did until he experienced it himself, but it makes so much sense now.

"Every day, kid." Little Cato cards a hand through her short hair idly.

"He must love you a lot," she states with the utmost confidence. He quirks a confused eyebrow at her, prompting her to explain. "Well, he gave you this! It might've been a jacket to him, but you loved it so he gave it to you because he loves you!"

Little Cato sits there in surprise over how smart of a girl he has, and he laughs warmly.

"You are absolutely right," he praises, hugging her tighter.

"Spidercat, you didn't tell me my granddaughter was a genius."

Little Cato and Grace turn around so quickly that he doesn't know how they don't get whiplash, and they're met with the sight of a tall blond figure whose arms are open wide, waiting for a hug.

"Dad," Little Cato whispers at the same time Grace screeches, "Papa Gary!"

She leaps up and sprints towards Gary, jumping into his awaiting arms. Gary hasn't seen that particular move in several years, but he catches her flawlessly and spins her around, laughing the whole time. His dad plants a giant kiss onto her cheek, and she giggles the whole time.

Little Cato stands up as Gary gets a proper hold on the girl, holding her on his hip.

"You didn't tell me I was gonna meet him today!" Grace yells excitedly.

Little Cato shakes his head and gives his dad a look. "I didn't know either, don't blame me!"

"I'm gonna put you down for a second, sweetheart. I gotta hug your dad to death," Gary whispers loudly, acting like it was some big secret. She nods eagerly, jumping down and to the side, looking excited just to watch them interact.

"Um, hey, Dad," Little Cato says, seeing Mooncake greet Grace out of the corner of his eye.

His dad's smile softens into a look that he has learned is only reserved for him, and it makes his heart melt. Neither of them waste anymore time, so they wrap their arms around each other tightly. They both sigh contently at the same exact moment, and Gary plants a quick kiss to his forehead.

After a good minute or two, his dad pulls away to look him up and down, then he smirks. "Have you grown since the last time I saw you?"

Little Cato rolls his eyes even though his smile is so wide that it almost hurts. "Dad, come on. You lost that right years ago."

Gary laughs, wrapping an arm around his shoulders and ruffling his hair. They watch Grace chase Mooncake around happily, the leather jacket swallowing her up whole and most definitely slowing her down, but she doesn't care.

"You gotta stop making it sound like I'm dead in that story," Gary reprimands lightly.

Little Cato scoffs. "Well, I didn't know that you had gotten misplaced time-wise at that moment, so neither can the audience."

Grace rushes up to them, hair a mess, Mooncake in her arms. "He's so squishy!"

Little Cato pets Mooncake happily and nods. "Yeah, but don't squish him too hard, he won't like it."

She lets go of Mooncake and smiles up at Little Cato, her arms up. He picks her up and launches her upwards, causing her to screech excitedly, and he catches her and puts her up on his shoulders with ease. Grace bends down to stare at him upside down, and they blow raspberries at each other, making each other laugh.

Little Cato glances over to his dad to see tears shining in his eyes, but then his vision is blocked by the arms of the leather jacket. They all laugh, and everything feels right when his dad high-fives his kid and smiles proudly at him.