#honestly it might make it worse and I'm not in too bad shape but I don't want to relapse again

[i-put-the-s4p-in-s4pphic]

pacing my room chanting to myself to be the change you want in the world. treat others how you want to be treated. you will reap what you so. what you put out is what you will receive. karma.

be the change you want in the world

[clownery-and-fuckery]

The fact that Harry is canonically FEARED by people in Jamrock really surprises me. Like, I know he's the "human can-opener" and that has boosted his reputation and name among the people, but learning what he was like pre-amnesia is a whirlwind of an experience. Why don't more people talk about it?

This is coming from the wiki page so some things might be a lil inaccurate (I honestly don't know how well I can trust that source just yet) but it says he was on drugs/drunk for the majority of his service (even pre Dora), I imagine this got worse especially during those six years after Dora left him. By that time, he had already partnered with Jean, and had probably rejected his promotion number one.

After Dora left, the substance abuse got worse, but his work got better. It was hard to discourage their best detective, I guess. Even though he was actively funding the thing he was trying to shut down. It's a conflict of interest, he shouldnt have kept his job.

Also, during "THE UNSOLVABLE CASE" its said he left a man unable to walk, held a woman hostage, and shot wildly at a man.

That's just one case. You don't get a reputation like Harry's from one case. You don't make someone run at the mention of your name in the area. Ruby didn't run because of that one case.

Harry was a scary man. An ex gym teacher, off his rocker on an amount of drugs he couldn't count on two hands. He was talking to the tie before he lost his memory. The skills probably weren't a new thing. I like Harry, too, but his routinely "the women are the bourgeoisie" bit isn't just a post-amnesia thing, that's a cemented belief that's hung around his head long enough to become a foundation of every belief, even if you're an ultra-liberal. I don't think he was that popular with anyone he met.

The public were honestly right to be afraid of him.

But the RCM promoted him again. Or they tried. Because, what, Jean somehow managed to cover up everything Harry had done? What else has he done? How bad did things get, if beating a man with a ledger isn't anything more than a footnote in a case file?

Speaking of Jean, he confuses me a little. I mean, he respects Harry enough to cover up everything he did/does, but when it comes to talking about/to him, he puts him down, chews him out, makes it sound like he thinks Harry's actions are unacceptable (which I'm inclined to agree, at least pre-amnesia) but he also actively tries to make this narrative of Harry being crazy and wild and dangerous a thing, to everyone. Even Kim. Especially Kim, at the end. Look at this dialogue:

Those are the words of someone hurt over and over, watching a cycle repeat in another. But Jean still, when he doesn't really need to, decides to cover up Harry's missing gun and badge, and hears him and Kim out at the end of the game. He tears Harry down out of habit, but he also helps him out of that same habit.

He uses the word bewitched. That interested me, because it's infinitely more affectionate than manipulated, or tricked or just lied to. Jean uses it in a sympathetic manner, because he, like the RCM, like Dora, had been drawn in by Harry, and forced to stay until they left, like Dora, or became too bitter to go, like Jean.

It set up an interesting narrative for an aftermath. Would Kim, too, be driven away? Or would he get so sucked into the endless torment of being Harry's favourite, that like Jean, even if he wanted to, Kim wouldn't know anything else? Or had Harry actually changed? Does he get better, or does he get worse?

I would love to see more exploration on Harry after the events of Disco Elysium. I want to know how his reputation shapes how he acts after, I want to know how people interact with him. Its so interesting to me. It's all a bit of a jumbled ramble but yeah!!! :D

[killuagirly]

Yandere!Noah's Ark Circus[Separate] x Reader

Summary: Noah's Ark Circus members[Separate] seem to have a thing for you, but it only gets worse as you don't notice their obvious attempts to court you. What might they do in return?

Notes: I LITERALLY WAS SO EXCITED TO WRITE THIS FOR NO REASON AT ALL. The idea for this was taken from this post, but slightly changed up to fit more general circumstances. [Also because this is Yandere yk] I tried to make sure they all had a lil' sum but writing for this many characters in one post obviously means less content per character. Hopefully I'll get around to the main characters too, like Ciel, Sebastian, and so on.

CW: Yandere, Obsessive tendencies, Possessiveness, Slight mentions of violence[nothing really bad], etc. Read at your own risk!!

────────── ʚ♡ɞ ──────────

Joker

The 'ringleader' has special tricks up his sleeve just for you. It really couldn't get more obvious to everyone around you when he's leaving gifts outside your tent that range from flowers to clothing and so much more. He'll make sure you acknowledge his tricks and jests during the announcing and performances by making silly inside jokes between the two of you during the show.

Eventually he may start to notice patterns in your behavior when you take his romantic gestures lightly, as nothing more than two close friends. Experimenting to see if his assumptions were correct, he even went as far as kissing you on the cheek before wishing you goodnight after one of his shows.

As he suspected, you only laughed it off and told him goodnight in return. He starts to wonder if the way you keep looking the other way is because you may already have eyes for someone. If even it may seem so, Joker keeps his cool and focuses on improving your view of him. No action will need to be taken if he can simply draw your attention away from other.

If means necessary, he's not hesitant and will slowly push everyone away from you to worm his way into your heart. If it gets to the point where your unmindful habits could be taken as rejection, he may be the type to just outright tell you about his feelings for you. If you still brush it off as some kind of joke, I pray for you because this man will take it to no means end to make you understand his love for you.

Beast

One of the most gorgeous women you'll ever meet, falling for you. Honestly, I'm jealous. Beast is the one who'll communicate her love for you through silent actions, no doubt about it. She'll be your shoulder to cry on, help you with any questions or concerns you have regarding the circus, and you can always come to her with outside troubles as well.

Beast honestly would most likely get upset rather than offended once it hits her that you aren't receiving any of her hints in a romantic context. Maybe she was going about it the wrong way? No, you're just unaware of her feelings towards you. No worries, she can just lay it on a bit thicker so it's within your grasp. After that, how could her love for you still go unnoticed??

If you still manage to get past her flirting however unbothered, she'll probably start looking for outside causes. Could it be that you've got your mind elsewhere? Beast might actually begin to grow self-conscious because of the situation, wondering if you could be judging her for 'flaunting' or 'showing off' her body feature due to her costume. She might even start thinking about changing her main performance outfit.

She may also outright ask you about what you think of her choice of outfit or general body shape saying something along the lines of, "I'm only curious t' know what y' think." In the context that she believes you're thinking of another in a romantic sense however, Beast might get a little pushy with you making sure that you're out of the path of anyone who could be considered a threat.

Dagger

Dagger is literally a whole other story once he's fallen for you. He's very outgoing and honest, not to mention he'll literally serve you compliments on a silver platter for completing even the simplest of tasks. You wore something new today, did your hair differently, got new pair of shoes? He's dying to tell you how great you look, showering you with love and affection.

Is it even possible to stay oblivious to this boy's feelings? He's all over you all the time, craving your praise, attention, literally anything and everything he can get out of you. So how and why on earth would you not acknowledge his efforts to present his feelings for you? It definitely runs through his mind that you could genuinely not feel the same for him.

Honestly, try getting him off of you once he's realized you aren't giving him the attention he wants anymore. Dagger isn't the type to act desperate, but it can surely come off that way at times. He'll even outright bring up this form of, "neglect," you've been giving him. I hope that he doesn't suspect anything between you and another member of the circus, because he'll do anything in his power to keep them away from you.

Dagger often proposes that you both train together, help him out with his act, or even silly little things like eating at the same table together in order to draw you out of any situation involving someone he sees as undeserving of your attention, insisting that you come with. As persistent as he is, he does know his boundaries and won't take it too far, most of the time anyways.

Doll

Doll is an awfully touchy person, and she isn't afraid of showing it. When she's not all dressed up with the main cast, she'll be out and about following you around left and right. This girl could talk for hours without getting bored and proves it when she's with you by literally talking your ear off. Not that you really mind, especially when she's coming up with some new ways to compliment you. Calling you, "alluring," and "incredibly skillful."

She's also very expressive with you, not caring to hide much from you. You'll probably know about how she's a first-tier member long before the sharing secrets phase in a friendship. She also enjoys helping you in every way she can, teaching you tips, tricks, and everything she can about the circus since she's, "more experienced than y'!"

Eventually she comes around to flirting with you shamelessly so, trying to catch your interest. "Lookin' great t'day love," and trust me, it doesn't stop there. Coming around to your disregardful mindset started annoying her though. She'll probably go to Snake or one of the other members in hopes of figuring out what she's doing wrong. "How can't they not see 'm 'n love with 'em?"

If it ever comes to a point where she believes that you may be in love with someone else, she will literally drive herself crazy about it. "Why don't they love m' like that, 'm I doin' somethin' wrong?" She'll pull you along, adamant that you spend more time with her instead of someone who's unimportant. Doll's jealousy is laid out on display for you, and she isn't shy about it either.

Wendy

Spending time with you has become the highlight of her days, and she could go on and on about whatever is on her mind just relaxing and being with you. Wendy fawns over things like your choice in style, your makeup on that given day, honestly anything and everything that is noticeable about you. She's such a sweetheart, caring for you and making sure you've got everything you could ever need.

Wendy is the yandere who might not even realize that her feelings towards you are considered romantic at first, taking her heart's increased pace as simply enjoying time spent with you as her friend. Once she does come to this realization, she's lovestruck and infatuated with you like no other. Honestly her change in behavior would probably be considered a bit concerning by the other members.

If she actually starts flirting or making moves on you and you manage to overlook her signals, she'll automatically go into overthinking mode. It would go something along the lines of, "What 'f they don't find me attractive? D' they think 'f someone else 'ere 's prettier than me??" Peter would probably be the one to notice and calm her down.

In the ensuing days, she'd probably get after anyone who got a little too close to you for her liking. Her main focus would be regaining your full attention, which much to her appeal, would probably be easy given her outgoing nature as your close friend. You can take my word for it when I say this girl isn't letting you go so easily, practically dragging you along with her just for some attention.

Peter

Peter is a little ignorant when it comes to showing his love for you Trying to court you for him is like trying to survive falling into a volcano, it's seemingly impossible. Don't underestimate him though, he does try his hardest for you. If you ever need help with your act, he's there for you. Couldn't grab a bite to eat from the mess tent in time? He'll share with you, just keep your mouth shut about it or he might get embarrassed.

For a while, Peter might be in denial about this little crush of his. After that stage passes however, he goes right into, 'If anyone at all ever hurt them I would take them out with my own two hands.' Not to mention he just might follow you around like a lost puppy, seeking out your attention. Though he'll never say it aloud, he does enjoy your when your attention is completely focused on him and him alone.

Once he realizes that you aren't understanding his hints, - bypassing his love for you - he just gets straight up pissed. What is he doing wrong? Is it because of his condition that you might find him unattractive compared to other circus members?? Bless your soul, if you thought he was clingy before he's not letting go of you now, and anyone who tries to start up a conversation with you is rudely interrupted by a short blonde who isn't having it.

Peter will go off at anyone who tries to speak with you even if it's simply an everyday conversation, no romantic ideals involved. He won't make it seem like the reasoning behind the way he's treating the lower-tier members is his jealousy and possessiveness over you, but some like Wendy might notice him having more sudden outbursts. He'll go as far as physically hurting someone over a harmless compliment about you. In his eyes, he should be the only one telling you such things.

Jumbo

Jumbo's ways of attempting to court you seem the usual, showing off his strengths and starting small talk with you. He enjoys the simple things, like complimenting your skills whenever you do well during practice, or listening to how your day went. Whether you're feeling down in the dumps, or having a wonderful day, he's always there to listen and chat with you.

The silence or calming atmosphere will put him at ease while he simply basks in your presence, even being near or just seeing you after a long day at the circus is enough to put a smile of his face. He cares a lot for you and your well-being, and simply can't imagine a world without you anymore. He may become aware of his feeling much later than he should, and once he does he begins noticing the other things too.

Like how you simply turn your back when he's performing, of course you watch every now and then but you only pay attention to him as much as a good friend should. Jumbo probably starts realizing that you may not feel the same way for him as he does for you, which he simply takes notice of to try harder. Playing the harmonica for you, complimenting your tastes as often as he can, and so on.

Eventually he understands that his efforts are going completely unnoticed in any kind of romantic sense. Could it be someone else has you wrapped around their finger or are you simply oblivious to his methods of courting you? Jumbo definitely seems like a gentle giant, so he probably won't hurt anyone even if they are testing their limits with you. Just a menacing glare from him and they'll know to back off, and he'll only even go that far if they're getting awfully touchy.

Snake

Snake trying to court you is.. practically bound to go south. Well, from his view anyways. He just wants your love and attention, but he's much more closed off than most of the other members which makes it harder to get his feelings through to you. He may absent mindedly gravitate closer to you in public settings, but he still doesn't say very much to you in his own voice.

He prefers to let his snakes talk for him, not often speaking to anyone himself. However, for you, he'll start slowly trying to start small conversations even if they only last moments. Sometimes he even watches you from afar while you're busy training with your act. When you notice him, maybe even flash him that pretty smile of yours, his cheeks will get all flushed and he'll scurry away.

Snake is rather insecure about himself, so he automatically assumes the way you brush off his subtle attempts of flirting with you is because you couldn't be interested in him with his out of the ordinary looks. In addition to that, he's probably not all that offended or upset if you tend to shrug him off just taking it as if he's not good enough.

Although, the other members[especially Doll] may end up offended on his behalf when noticing he the efforts he's putting in for you. He's trying his hardest, isn't he? Snake may be hesitant to step in if the cause of your disinterest in him is the fault of another who's caught your eye. Given his timid nature, I highly doubt he'd go to the extent of acting upon your disinterest in any way besides simply trying even harder for you.

────────── ʚ♡ɞ ──────────

Masterlist

[yandere-romanticaa]

People don't talk about yandere! Atsushi and yandere! Akutagawa and you know what, that's a real shame. Lucky you, I'm here to change that.

Tell you the truth, I feel like they both have a similar type of person they like - someone kind.

Neither one of them is used to any sort of kindness or goodness being extended towards them so this would be something that catches their attention immediately. While Chuuya and Dazai are a bit more complex with what kind of person they like, thus making it almost impossible for them to fall for the same person, Atsushi and Akutagawa aren't like that. They're simple people in their cores who only want some attention.

There's a good chance that you are nothing more than a civilian who's just living your best life and meeting either one of them was by pure chance. Atsushi is definitely the type who would fall for you if you just smiled at him and that smile would be engraved inside his mind for ages - did you really just smile at him? Him, Atsushi Nakajima?

Did he die and go to Heaven?

He's probably the type who would say "I should avoid them, I'm not good enough for them." only to accidentally follow you around town, oops. He is awkward and blushes like a schoolgirl but you always indulge him and never make fun of him. He was always met with kindness and understanding which never fails to make his limbs turn into jelly. Atsushi does his best to be there for you and he likes to be helpful in any way he can ie. carrying your bags for you, helping with chores, disposing of anyone who he thinks is a threat, all that good stuff!

Akutagawa though, he's... He's not quite so easy to woo. Well, he is but not in the same manner as Atsushi.

Those who kill better be prepared to be killed themselves, that is something that Akutagawa has said to himself since day one. He is aware of everything he does and knows all too well that with one wrong step or one bad encounter with the wrong person could end his bitter life in less than a second. He is a person who is used to conflict and abuse in any way, shape and form - just imagine how jarring it would be for him if he met someone who was genuinely nice.

Akutagawa prefers to take on solo missions so you might find him injured on the side of the street and offer yourself to help him but he is having none of it. He's limping and choking on his own blood but he keeps angrily mumbling that he is fine, he has been through worse and he does not need your stupid help.

That's what you are to him, stupid. Can't you take a hint? Leave him be. If he so wished he could tear you to shreds right where you stood, there would be nothing left of you and no one would be able to recognize you, no one to claim your body.

Just as he was about to voice out his thoughts those same words die on his tongue as he takes one good look at you and for a split second his heart is no longer his own. It leaps forward with an emotion he has never felt before as an overwhelming feeling of softness takes over.

Despite his gruff and honestly downright horrible attitude he is grateful to you. He owes you now and he kind of hates a little you because of that but that's besides the point.

Akutagawa makes no effort to be in your life like Atsushi but he lingers, almost like a shadow. Blink and you'll miss him, he always disappears into the crowd just before you even think about calling out to him, his only trace of even being there is his just barely visible black coat that flutters along with the wind as he casually strolls away to the opposite direction.

He would however take great offense if he saw you with Atsushi.

Bitter anger overcomes him as he spends his days following you and the weretiger around, a permanent scowl etched onto his face as he is forced to watch that stupid beast slobber all over you like a dog in heat. "He is pathetic and weak." Akutagawa thinks to himself.

"He could never protect you like I could."

He's playing dumb but Atsushi is aware that he is being followed especially if he is with you, his favorite person. His senses have never led him astray and he is quick to figure out the identity of the stalker. He's nervous, does he make the first move and confront Akutagawa? What does he even want? Days turn into weeks and Atsushi's patience is on thin ice, he has to know.

Strong as he is, Akutagawa was sloppy, tracking him was a cakewalk. He hid himself in the shadows close to the building you were currently in and was most likely waiting for you to exit.

His attack was swift and merciless, pinning Akutagawa to the ground was almost too easy. Naturally, Akutagawa's troublesome ability was quick to retaliate as Atsushi could feel Rashomon's sharp talons being pressed against his back meanwhile Atsushi's own claws nearly slit Akutagawa's throat.

They were neck and neck. Had they not been so close to so many civilians there was no doubt that a horrible brawl would have happened but due to their specific circumstances they called a truce... Barely.

If looks could kill Atsushi would be buried six feet under but he felt no fear, all he wanted was to understand what Akutagawa was doing. The man in black scoffs and turns his back to the weretiger, as if Atsushi was already supposed to know the answer.

"I am in their debt." he says as a matter of factly.

"I could never allow you out of all people to keep that person safe."

Oh his words stung... but Atsushi bit his tongue and calmly (read clenched teeth) asked for a proper explanation and after what felt like hours he finally got one.

Akutagawa has the emotional intelligence of a rock and Atsushi knows this. He is frustrated with the fact that Akutagawa wants to be so close to you but he knows he can't beat him nor can it happen the other way around.

There really was no getting out of this.

In that moment Atsushi made a split second decision that was either going to make his life Hell or maybe, just maybe, a little bit easier.

The two of them made a deal - they were both going to keep an eye out for you. Neither one could be too pushy or demanding, they needed to play fair.

As much as they hated each other they could at least agree that your safety was the most important thing of all.

🕊️ TAGS: @yanroma, @oneoftheprettynerds, @misdollface, @sxy0ung, @rosemary108233, @c4xcocoa, @gettinshiggywithit, @ophticcus

[cherlawa-panna]

Barney Barton META: Childhood

This isn't exactly the META, more like a big note with my thoughts about Barney's personality during his childhood. Given that Clint's past, and Barney's past as well, is changed too often in the comics and it's confusing to understand what's going on, I'm going to take the bits that I think are important and squeeze it together. Because if I wanted to put everything in order logically, it would be impossible - his agenda changes too often.

I'll only talk about their lives before their parents' deaths and their first years in the circus. Barney's personality changes dramatically as he gets older and I don't want to write too much in one post.

Dedicated to @carcrash429 and @hawkzeyes. I love you <3

TW: Mentions of child abuse, violence, underage drinking

1. What kind of child was Barney?

The first thing worth noting is that despite the constant changes in Barney's personality, the authors always try to emphasize his role in Clint's story — as one who is "the worse brother," the "rotten" one who causes problems and is a schemer. The bad brother who is the opposite of the good brother. Two sides of the same coin — you know the deal.

Honestly, only Hawkeye Vol.3 showed Barney in some way as "morally better" than his brother. Everywhere else, it's emphasized that he's the worse version of Clint. You know the deal, Clint is the good-shoe guy, and Barney is the worst thing that ever existed. But why?

As we know, childhood plays a crucial role in shaping a person. To truly understand Barney, we need to delve into his early years and explore what kind of child he was. So let's start it, shall we?

- VIOLENT

A recurring trope we see in Clint's childhood memories is Barney teaching him something. I'll mention about this later in the post, but for now, let's focus on the most significant skill he taught Clint, which reveals a lot about Barney himself: he taught Clint how to fight.

(Hawkeye 2012 #12)

Not the self-defense way where you hit someone and run away. Not the stereotypical superhero kind where you fight to defeat someone because you're the good guy and they're the bad guy. No, Barney taught him how to fight in a way that would hurt, how to knock someone down so that they wouldn't be able to stand on their feet anymore.

(Hawkeye 2012 #15 & #21) [rip photo limit]

If someone attacks you, you show no mercy. An eye for an eye. A tooth for a tooth. Beat them so they won't want to hurt you anymore.

(Hawkeye 2012 #19)

If there’s no one to defend you, you have to defend yourself. Barney started teaching Clint how to fight after Clint attempted to attack their father. It’s clear that Barney is the reason why his brother even knows how to hurt people. However, it was never explained why Bernard knows how to fight or where he learned this skill. And that's understandable; this flashback is about our golden boy, not about his problematic brother.

To understand why Barney might know how to fight, we need to explore his relationship with violence as a child.

He is an example of how trauma can make you angry—at what happened and what continues to happen. As a child still living with his parents, Barney is filled with hatred towards their father. This contrasts with Clint, who, for a long time, was the "good child" trying his best to earn his father's affection and better treatment.

(Solo Avengers 1988 #2)

Bernard was a "smart-mouth brat" who didn’t hesitate to speak back, even though he knew the consequences of doing so. Even better, this little guy wanted to beat his dad up so badly. Clint would never consider acting this way (until the events of Hawkeye Vol. 4, but I'll discuss that later). And it also seems that this wasn’t the first time Barney had behaved like this.

I have a theory that Barney likely had conflicts with other adults as well, mostly because of his statement in Solo Avengers 1988 #2 panel, where he says, "I'll show them all." This implies that he probably didn't want to take revenge against JUST his father. The way I interpret it is that his father wasn't the only person who treated him badly. We can interpret this in different ways: maybe he was talking about his bullies, maybe teachers or anybody who ever treated him badly. Who knows?

Avengers: Roll Call highlights how different their approach to their father was. Barney is explicitly described as being cynical and resentful as a child. In fact, he is described as a bitter kidwho took of his frustation on Clint by bullying him.

And his different approach to Harold is visible. Barney he has never been shown to say anything positive about their father. True, Clint also hated Harold, but as shown earlier, Clint for some time hoped he'd change, whereas Barney never believed in it. He always saw their father as a scumbag.

(Hawkeye: Blindspot #1)

His hatred for his father and how he was treated, naturally influenced his behavior in childhood, which you could see before. And we know he wasn't a "good boy" in any ways. Like for example, in Blindspot, Clint mentions that Barney was never the smarter of the two and believed that sometimes you need to fight dirty.

This panel illustrates that Bernard believed that the best way to resolve conflicts wasn't through calm, peaceful ways but by fighting dirty. It paints him as someone who often relied more on brute force. Because, in his eyes, it is an easier and more proven way to deal with problems. He saw it from his father and most likely from others that it was the best way; it always worked on him and Clint after all. 

Barney is depicted as a child who has no problem with being aggressive or violent, as shown in Hawkeye (2012) even towards his brother. Yes, while his intent was to provoke Clint, stir him up, and push him to act, the fact remains that Barney still resorted to violence.

Additionally, Barney used violence against Clint because he knew that this was the most effective way to provoke a reaction from him. By mimicking their father, he wanted to trigger Clint's deep-seated rage and bitterness—emotions that were already boiling beneath the surface.

Barney knew that Clint, fueled by anger and resentment towards their father at this moment, would respond to this. It’s likely that Barney didn’t spend much time thinking what he should do; he simply resorted to the method he knew best.

Despite his hatred for his father, he still copy him in some ways, and this behavior pattern stayed with him. Barney struggles to express his emotions or wants verbally, something that continues into his adult life. He rarely communicates his thoughts directly, instead, his feelings are often showed through his actions. This tendency is mostly evident in how he expresses his anger, which is often in violence.

He never fully learned healthier ways. While joining the army may have helped him develop some emotional control, his involvement in the Trickshot "business" clearly ruined it lmao.

Before I expand further on Barney's ability to fight, I want to finish the subject about their father (because I started it and I want to finish it. I know it makes this post very chaotic, but I can't help it).

-AFRAID

In Hawkeye (2012) there is a noticeable shift in the Bartons brothers. Barney becomes more calm, while Clint got increasingly bitter. It’s almost as if they’ve swapped their attitudes.

This is particularly evident in a scene where Clint attacks their father.

Initially, I thought Clint was solely focused on his father during this scene. However, it wasn’t until I noticed Barney’s eyes—fixed on Clint—that I realized he was also looking at him. He would first glance at Barney and then shift his focus to their father. Remember this, because it will be important later.

So let's focus on Barney in this moment (because this is a post about him, duh). Specifically when he says "Clint."

While we might interpret this as a warning to prevent Clint from doing something stupid, because Barney might have known it would upset him and make him do something reckless. But based on Barney's reaction afterwards, you can get the impression that it was the first time when Clint did something like that.

At that moment during dinner, Barney probably shouldn’t have know that Clint would react this way. So this "Clint" warning doesn't make any sense. Given that Clint was known to be a well-behaved child and Barney was his polar opposite, we have to look elsewhere for an explanation. And I'll rush you with my theory.

Since we know from All-New-Hawkeye, Barney was the one who always stood up for his brother (for example: Barney took the blame when they were suppose to work, but they sneaked in to see a perfomance)-

-then Clint might have been looking at Barney, hoping he would speak up against their father. Since he has been "obedient" so far, it’s reasonable to think that Barney might have developed a habit of standing up for him. After all, Barney didn't care about their father's opinions and hated his guts, so he could also speak on Clint's behalf just to piss their father off.

But when Clint realized that Barney had no intention of that, he reacted himself, which, as I mentioned earlier, was something he had never done before.

That's why I think the "Clint" could be interpreted as "Clint, not this time." Especially since Barney appears resigned to me.

Now you might be wondering: Why didn't Barney react? Why did Barney change his attitude? The answer is simple! This whole situation happened after Clint lost his hearing.

Let's take a closer look at this: Barney in Hawkeye (2012) is much calmer than in earlier comics showing him as a child. Here, we see that he's trying to take care of his brother (like when he came to Clint's room after the whole incident and brought an ice pack for the bruises). I think he stopped being so "rebellious" at home to not upset their father. Probably out of fear; if their father was capable to beat Clint so badly that he lost his hearing, what else might he be capable of?

So it's only logical for Barney to temper his normal behavior.

-A Troublemaker

Let's return to the topic of fighting: We can see that he learned how to fight so he could defend himself from his father. And due to his previously mentioned behavior, we can get the impression that he engaged in fights very often as a child.

He must have learned these skills from somewhere, so it’s clear he picked them up outside the home.

How did he learn? Who did he learn from? I don't know! It was never shown or mentioned where he learned all this, but I have theories.

Personally, I think Barney got himself in the wrong crowd during his childhood. Why?

Barney's main 'thing' in the comics is that he was in his brother's shadow and wanted to outshine him. And seriously, this is one of the main reasons why Barney hated his brother when he was in Dark Avengers lol. I honestly believe that their parents, especially after Clint lost his hearing, focused more on the good behaved younger brother, which may have led Barney to seek attention elsewhere. As a troublemaker, Barney likely engaged in stupid and dangerous behavior to gain the approval of others—behavior that fits his character trope. And I'm talking about drinking alcohol and stealing candy from the store.

Barney was shown twice drinking alcohol without flinching. While it’s possible he started drinking occasionally because their father did the same, I believe it’s likely that he also picked up this habit from other kids.

Adult Barney in the comics is portrayed as a charismatic guy with notable leadership skills. That's why I think that he definitely had a lot of childhood friends and wasn't a loner. However, he probably was not as popular as he wanted and due to his difficult personality (his bad temper), he certainly did not have stable friendships. This means there’s a good chance Barney fell in with the wrong crowd and because out of desperation to be liked, he would definitely do stupid things.

This kid was good with people. He was a fast-talker and had the ability to easily persuade people. Like, he successfully convinced Carson to take in two orphans from an orphanage. C'mon, he clearly had skills.

Barney is a manipulative bastard, who had a natural knack for playing people like a fiddle. I don't think I need to provide much evidence for that; after all he was in the mafia and held a high position there as an undercover FBI agent. That says it all.

The beginnings of his manipulating and persuading tactics began in childhood. We see in that infamous panel how he used his brother to do his chores. Of course, Clint started it on his own, hoping it would prompt Barney to stop being such an asshole. But you can bet that Barney did everything in his power to ensure Clint continued to do his chores. You can see it in his smirk.

(Solo Avengers 1988 #2)

From Avengers: Roll Call, we also know that Barney was bored and unloaded his anger on Clint by bullying him. Does this make Barney a villain evil brother? No. Based on other Clint's memories, he wasn't abusive, he was simply an asshole. And Clint, desperate for any form of affection, ended up in a this mix with Barney. It's a recipe for disaster.

Another intriguing detail worth mentioning is that Barney clearly had a thing or two on his conscience. We can see from the interaction between him and Jacques when the old man tried to persuade him into stealing.

"But you, you're a scrapper, Barney. Something tells me you know what it takes to survive"

So we know he wasn't an innocent child then. And Jacques was aware of this and knew that Barney would not refuse such offer. Of course, it can be said that he knew survival techniques from the orphanage, since as we know, the life in there was not sunshine and rainbows. But as we know from their life, their hardest lessons in survival came from their father. For years, Barney has learned how to play dirty to survive, even more than Clint. As Barney himself reflected in Hawkeye: Blindspot, he was the "Tricky One."

Did he steal before? Possible. Maybe he stole things in the orphanage. Or maybe candies from the store like I said before. No matter what, we know that he wasn't a good child.

-ENVIOUS

Since we’re discussing Barney’s involvement with stealing for circus, it’s worth noting that his agreement was fueled by jealousy. Because Clint got more attention and could do something better than him. This jealousy was never about wanting to be a performer/archer himself—contrary to what some people in fandom might think, Barney never showed any desire to be a circus attraction like his brother. In fact, when Swordsman offered them the chance to be his assistants, Bernard immediately refused.

He was simply envious of the attention Clint received and didn’t care about the circus itself. This jealousy made him more willing to engage in thefts—he was driven by a desire to be better than his brother in something. And well, being a tricky was one of the few things Barney excelled at.

2. What kind of brother was Barney?

-A TEACHER

The fact that Barney took care of his brother is already known from the post. He taught him everything from silly things like tossing a coin into a bottle, to more practical skills such as driving a car (possibly even a motorcycle) and how to talk with women. This shows that Barney genuinely cared for Clint and didn't want him to be a loser in life. Which makes sense since Bernard was in some way his caretaker after their parents deaths.

-A PROTECTOR

But more of him being "a caring big brother" was shown in All-New Hawkeye. While I don't like Hawkeye All-New, I do appreciate how it delves into Clint and Barney’s past.

Barney is the one who goes to their foster father and took the blame, because he did not want this bastard to hurt Clint.

He was also the one who offered to earn money for Clint so his brother could focus on learning archery instead and wouldn't be kicked out of the circus.

He repeatedly shouldered every responsibility and tried to protect him.

As previously mentioned, when Barney first got involved in "work" for Carson, his initial motivation was jealousy of the attention Clint was receiving and a desire to prove his own worth. However, as time went on, Barney became less enthusiastic about the thefts but felt compelled to continue. He knew that stopping could lead to them being throwed out from the circus—the only place where they could call a "home". And despite everything, he was determined not to drag Clint into this mess too.

In Hawkeye Vol. 3, it’s noted that Barney encouraged Clint to pursue his education ever since they escaped from the orphanage. I interpret this as Barney recognizing that life in the circus was neither secure nor ideal. He was not emotionally attached to this place, viewing it merely as a temporary situation. Barney wanted Clint to have more opportunities beyond the circus, which contrasted sharply with his brother belief that the future was bound there.

(That’s why I dislike the trope in fanfics where Barney is portrayed as someone who would let Clint to die because of circus. NO. While joining the circus was initially Barney’s idea, they stayed because it was their only option at the time. Barney would always choose his brother over the circus. He only left because he was fed up with living that way and saw no way to get Clint out, since Clint was too stubborn.)

What’s interesting to me is that Barney seems to have stopped stealing for the circus once he became an adult, considering their conversation after Clint was offered the chance to join to the "business".

(I KNOW that this comic was made before All-New Hawkeye and that’s why Barney reacted this way. BUT I’ll interpret it however I want, and there's nothing you can do about it.)

I don’t know why Barney stopped, but perhaps when he became an adult, he was able to take on more demanding jobs in the circus and no longer had to steal to pay for their upkeep (plus, Clint started performing and earning money). And as we can see, Barney doesn’t want Clint to steal. Even though Barney had do the same thing as a child to keep them in the circus, he didn't want Clint to fall into that same trap.

-A CARETAKER

FINALLY, I’d like to shift the focus to Barney’s role as a caretaker for his brother, particularly during their childhood, even before they ended up in the orphanage and Barney had to fully assume the role of guardian. Specifically, I want to delve into Barney’s responsibilities a caretaker when Clint lost his hearing.

I don’t have comic panels to back up my words because the comics don’t delve deeply into Clint’s past as a deaf child. However, I’ll draw on real-life knowledge to support my points. Although I’m not a sibling of a deaf person, but I have deaf friends and have read a lot of psychological studies to better write the dynamics of Clint in his family lol.

Sometimes a hearing sibling, often under parental influence, takes on the roles of caregiver, rehabilitator, or translator for their deaf sibling. They're often actively involved in therapeutic processes, taking on numerous responsibilities related to helping their deaf sibling in their everyday life.

Why do I believe Barney had such a role? The answer is simple: Barney knows ASL since he was a child.

I know it doesn't immediately meant that he had this kind of resposibility. But hear me out. We don’t know if their parents learned ASL and how Clint learned it, but one thing is certain: Barney learned it with him. Depending on how we imagine the situation, Barney could have acted as a communicator between Clint and their parents, as well as with the outside world. I've read about cases where deaf kids learn sign language, and hearing siblings often pick up the language better than their parents. This often leads to the siblings acting as translators between parents and deaf child.

Another evidence is that he was also present during Clint's visit to the doctor.

Barney probably really wanted to be present during this, but why did his parents let him? I find this strange. Maybe they just expected Barney to help take care of his brother?

This certainly made Clint more dependent on his brother.

Clint clearly was dependent on him, since he always consistently influenced Clint's life decisions. Why did Clint run away from the orphanage? Because it was Barney's idea. Why did Clint join the circus? Because it was Barney's idea. Why didn't Clint leave the circus when he discovered its true nature? Because Barney said it was the only way they would survive.

Why did Clint later want to leave the circus despite his reluctance? Because Barney wanted to leave.

As Barney put it in All-New Hawkeye, "Where I go, Clint goes." Clint's life revolved around his older brother for many years. Mainly because after their parents' death, he only had Barney. But even before that, we can feel that Barney had a significant role in his life.

For instance, we see this during the moment they received the news of their parents' passing.

Barney only needed a few seconds to comprehend what happened before he immediately focused his attention on Clint, ignoring his own feelings at the moment. Maybe he wasn't fully aware at the time, but he felt from that moment on he would have to take care of Clint completely.

We need to be aware that Barney wasn't an ideal brother for such a role. He was full of anger, bitterness and of his own problems that he couldn't fully address due to their situation. He was just a kid himself. Barney was thrust into the role of a parent and teacher when he himself needed a parent and teacher. His attempt at "raising" Clint was a series of trial and error because he had no idea what he was doing.

But despite being a troubled child, Barney did a good job taking care of Clint, at least considering what Clint says about him in Blindspot.

I know many fans are angry at Barney for leaving Clint, but I see it as a moment when he finally did something for himself. He accepted that Clint was mature enough to decide for himself. Besides, him leaving Clint's life was good for Clint because if he had stayed, his brother probably would have never left Carson (or he would have joined the military with him) and never found himself. Clint relied on his brother for so long and he needed to be on his own for a while to find his place in the world.

3. The summary

Barney was hot-headed, extremely bitter, and was the most angry kid ever. But he also adapted well to the situation imposed on him and tried to help Clint adapt as well. We know anger often stems from fear, and to me, Barney is a scared child who doesn't know what to do but still wanted to do something.

And that's all I wanted to write about his childhood. Was Barney an angel? No. Was he the worst brother in the world? Also no. Does he need therapy? Absolutely.

[lavender-jedi]

Ok I love joking about thrawn being forced to put up with ezra and being deeply annoyed by the bad guys in ahsoka trying to pull him back into the conflict but in all seriousness I REALLY hope this series doesn't go in one of two ways-

Bad option 1- Thrawn's been holding Ezra hostage the whole time and is super psyched to get back to the Empire (bc he canonically does not give a fuck about the Imps past their ability to help protect the Ascendancy from the Vong)

Bad option 2- Thrawn's actually besties with Ezra and is down to help the New Republic (same reason as above, the New Republic is way too new and splintered to help the Ascendancy; also Ezra would never let a relationship with Thrawn get past "extremely reluctant ally out of necessity" at BEST)

In my not so humble opinion, the answer to what Thrawn's been up to that actually fits with his canon character/motivation should hit most of the following points

Immediately into his exile he knows that even if he gets back to the Empire and NOT get immediately killed for his failure, Project Stardust is still going to fuck them over because it's a fucking stupid idea, so the Empire is a lost cause for his purposes

Thrawn's resourcefulness will have him then take whatever of his fleet plus the Jedi he now has in tow and hike back to the Ascendancy to make do with that

He should also have to work VERY hard to convince Ezra that he can hate Thrawn all he wants but the Vong are SO much fucking worse and that the Ascendancy needs his help (knowing Ezra, the "people need your help" card should do the trick in getting him to play ball)

I think the above reason plus physically not being able to find a way back is sufficient enough reason for why Ezra stayed in Deep Space

I'm honestly not sure how Thrawn will react to the Imperials rolling up to wherever he his, but I will be massively disappointed if he was in fact "calling" them for any reason other than "I have this imperial shaped hole in my current play against the Vong that I'm going to fill with these shmucks", and even then the writing will have to do a LOT to convince me how that makes sense

Honestly what would make the most sense to me is if he knows that luring Dark Jedi to his location will also lure Ahsoka to follow them bc the New Republic might not be very useful but his old allies's incredibly powerful apprentice sure would be

Bonus points for him reuniting with Eli and shacking up with him, and having Ezra as a very grumpy reluctant neighbor (who refuses to let on that he actually kind of likes Eli because it's literally impossible to not love that sweet bean)

[thesovereignsring-if]

Honestly, maybe if you were forthright on how the story gonna be like, then the anon(s) wouldn't be so mad. There where a bunch of asks about whether the MC would be competent but instead of giving a straight answer you went about what this story is and isn't without actually answering the questions. Sometimes you make it seem the mC is only relevant because the other characters love the MC, and that's the only merit the MC has. And instead of confirming witch it is, you keep talking about power fantasy like wanting the mc to have qualities other than love interest/siblingtTM is wish fulfillment.

I've scrolled down the whole blog, and don'tknow wha

I know you're probably saying this kindly, but I'm probably going to answer slightly more emotionally than usual. Since you scrolled down the whole blog, you should have a seen idea the kinds of asks I've been answer to and why I might colour my words the way I have been.

But before I do that, I would politely ask you to never try to justify a certain anon's anger or behavior towards me by saying I should do this or that- I'm not here to placate people. I am here to write and produce a story and game. I don't care if people agree with what I say or not, and honestly I don't care if people get angry, but lashing out in anger in THIS fashion is completely unacceptable.

I believe I have been forthright and I already give away more information about the story and plotline than I really should to temper audience expectations.

I zero in on the 'power fantasy' and 'wish fulfilment aspect' because because that's what, at the end of the day, what those anon(s) want. That's what a large majority of fiction sets out to be. Especially popular media. Wish fulfillment. And it's exactly what I say it is:

A power fantasy is wish fulfillment, empowerment and feelings of accomplishment, in all shapes and forms. It’s feeling you have worth, it’s feeling like you did something good or right. It feeling like your useful. It’s all the things that send the happy feelings to your brain. Being “competent” and “useful” can also falls into that category.

How can I not be more clear that the story is meant to be oppressive and disempowering etc?? That it's not going to be that?? I explain, justify with reasons within the MC background. I've already buildt up and fleshed out in the game why the MC is exactly way they are are the beginning of the game. AT THE BEGINNING OF THE GAME. But if larger thematic concepts are too broad, then I've already said the MC is the underdog. Do people know what that even is anymore? I feel like I'm losing my mind.

So I'll be clear on this once again. This story is not going to give you instant gratification, you might not get it all at. The whole narrative is meant to be bittersweet at best and painfully depressing at worse. That is in almost every aspect of the narrative, including the MC.

You're going be used. You're going to be lied to. You're be betrayed. You're gonna be humiliated. And sometimes, you're going to have to gritt your teeth and move on. The MC is going to have to do that. So does everyone else in this goddamn story.

I don't give concrete answer because it's clear what I deem is competent does not match what others deem competent. Because if I do, people are going to come back and be say "but you said this..., you said that..." No matter what I say or do, people have their own expectations and belief and it's probably not going to live up to those expectations because.

And that's too bad. I've already written enough in Chapter 1 that shows mages and soldier MC can defend themselves just fine. I've already written that the MC can have a fruitful future ahead of them with their conversation with the Empress. They aren't the best in their field- they can't. They're barely an adult when the story starts. Do you hear how crazy that sounds? Most of the cast the far is 5+ years older than the MC. They have wars and conflict to prove themselves. The MC has basically finished high school and can already land a pretty comfortable career in the Empire for the rest of their life already.

This story has magic and monsters and kings and queens, but write my characters with a more realistic foundation. A lot of popular narratives have MC that dominate the narrative and I've telling everyone again, that this is not going to happen. The MC is going to have fight tooth and nail, like everyone else. It's on equal grounds.

And I say that the MC is loved and is relevant for simply being alive and loved- its because they are. The whole narrative conflict of the game is a succession dispute with in the family, were all the current successors have equal claim to the throne- including the MC and their older brothers who love them. It doesn't matter if the MC is the strongest, most powerful, capable or if they're passive. This is a constant that cannot and will not change no matter what kind of MC people play.

Sorry, but I'm starting if i'm starting to loose my patience with you, Anon, cause it does seem like you sent this in good faith, but I am getting tired of trying to justify myself all the time, especially after dealing with a particularly obsessive individual, who would not accept any explanation I gave and instead called it 'bullshit plot armor', when it really is a different flavor of realism. So forgive me, if I stop being kind, polite or generous with my time for them. Furthermore, you didn't read the messages they sent to my inbox because I made the choice not make them public and delete them. I only have so much time in the day to write game and answer every ask in my inbox. I wish I could, but I cant. There's 45 messages in my inbox as I'm writing this, but I try to answer the ones I feel are relevant and time sensitive.

Now I've said my piece, I'm gonna go retreat into my writer's den. If people are upset with what I've written so far, then I implore them to go back to pinned post, read and decide for themselves if they're willing to come along for the ride. Because if you people come at me with the same questions, I will answer the same way. If you do not understand what I am saying, than perhaps you may need to see it at a different perspective.

[echantedtoon]

In The Moon's Shadow (Yandere Kokushibo x Reader) Ch7 To Which The Emotions Uncoil

(IMPORTANT EDIT FOR THE STORY PLEASE READ: I have a real treat for everyone. After this chapter I will be working on the next few chapters at once since honestly..most of them are already done. Which means that the next three or four chapters will be posted at once. Stay tuned for when they arrive.

This will mostly be from Kokushibo's P.O.V. and spand over about a month.)

The sounds of the peaceful town was delightful to his ears. After dealing with the annoyance of his city and dealing with months of death littered battle fields, a place like this was perfect for a break in the schedules. Like the last time he came to this town he settled down in the cabin in the woods near the exit of the village. The place like Y/n said was indeed abandoned. No one had lived in it for quite some time judging by all the dust and cobwebs settled into the walls. But that's fine. The home was still in decent shape and it sheltered him from the weather outside. So it would suffice. He's had worse living conditions before. 

Things were going well.

His mother would be pleased with her gifts. Yoriichi would no doubt be married like he wanted, after all he already had their mother's blessing and even if their father disagreed with the entire situation, he had a single soft place for his wife. As long as she was so ill and fragile, their father wouldn't dare argue with anything that could possibly cause her stress. So more likely than not, Yoriichi would be able to fulfill his dreams. The peace talks although delayed looked promising and once his father was able to set a time to talk, perhaps this long useless war would finally end. News was that the head of the Kibutsuji Clan was ill and this might not survive until the end of this year which would leave his son, Muzan if he remembered the name right, the one who would take over. Rumor also had it that they were also tired of fighting so perhaps it will also finally stop.

Then he could finally go home for some well deserved rest.

Then perhaps he could finally focus on the duties he's been neglecting for so long. Being ready to take his father's place in the future. Taking over the care of his mother since his brother hasn't been listening to the doctors and making her rest. Finally get his territory back in order. Do something about the resource issue. Build his troops back up to standards.

But most importantly become married. 

His prospective marriage was put to the side as soon as this war started three years ago now. Only a small handful of noble women and women whom his father considered to be high enough status had been brought to him (four to be exact) and none of the four women were anything he found any interest in. The first had been rather beautiful, but she had been rather vain and spoiled only ogling him and not so subtly seducing him or trying to just for his status. He dismissed her immediately. They were terrible traits in a wife, and a mother. The next two barely spoke at all and all they did was cower before him. Fear was bad traits to pass down to his heirs and he was tired of them not looking his in the eyes as he spoke. The fourth was actually not too bad. Nice and polite and managed to at least look at him when he spoke...but she was too naive. She literally didn't even get the fact he was a demon until he literally pointed it out to her. Ugh. He still remembered the moment she asked him.

"Why do you have six eyes? Is it a new medical condition?"

".... I'm a demon."

"No. Really?! I never would've known! You hide it so well!"

"....."

His children were absolutely NOT going to have...THAT as a mother. He was supposed to meet another woman but shortly after his land was overtaken in the far east where most of the valuable resources like meats and weaponry came from. It was almost a blow to their entire territory.. Almost. But he'd soon be meeting them again once this war ended. He'd find a woman who'd bring dignity and pass down strong traits to his children. Someone-

Someone who could be firm but calm. Doesn't treat him like a lesser being because of a single difference. Someone who worked hard and someone who had turquoise...eyes..

....oh ....

 OH NO-

He was always quick to vanquish those thoughts from his mind. The sparking turquoise. He was only fascinated by the color. It was a rare color. One he hadn't seen before on anyone else. Man or woman. He just needed to get his head straight and focus on what was important. Which was his mother and then getting back to his post, which meant that he couldn't let obstacles get in his way. The girl needed to work. Her wench of a boss was in the way of delaying her work. Therefore logically the best course of action to ensure her best working pace would eliminate the obstacle in her way to eliminate the bigger obstacle in his way. Yes. That was the only reason why he threatened the old woman into treating her normally again. Surely. The old woman would think twice now before causing such headaches for her-..HIM and stop especially when he was around. 

But to be sure he walked past the shop a few times to check on her the first week....HER PROGRESS. To check on her progress.

A quick peek through the window of the door they left open due to the summer warmth, had confirmed his theory. Everytime he gave a quick look, she always saw her sitting peacefully at the table with one of the six candles and a small metal pencil like tool working on carving into the wax. Her peaceful face and calm smile reassured him that everything was fine. At one visit the old bat caught sight of him looking through the door from across the street. Her face paled and as fast as her old legs could carry her, she ran for the back. Her sudden movements caught the attention of the working woman who's head turned to watch her boss flee before she then turned to peer out the door. Their eyes made contact. She smiled brightly at him and waved. ...He quickly turned his head and walked away. It'd be best if he didn't distract her from her work.

He did not bother coming by the second week. She'd be fine anyways. He'd be busying himself with training in the meantime and hunting for food. The forest nearby did have a few nice fat pheasants, and a decent fishing hole. If only the fields up east were this plentiful with food...Too bad this wasn't Tsugikuni territory. Hmm. That's a thought. He'd bring up the idea of claiming this part of land to his father later, after all there was a lot of beautiful-... BOUNTIFUL things here. It could aid their resources until they stabilized. However the home he was currently staying at would hold a surprise for him once he returned. He senses the second presence within the home's walls before he even got close enough to the the door. 

Now who would be foolish enough to trespass in his temporary home?

The wild pheasant from his hunt was dropped to his feet with a thud. A hand gripping the hilt of a weapon. A woman's shriek echoed throughout the home as the door was quickly slammed open weapon aimed and raised. ... But then was lowered.

Turquoise eyes met six red and yellow ones.

"My prediction about you being troublesome proceeds itself." The long sword was slowly returned to its sheath with a small click. This woman was no threat. Even if she was very troublesome as stated before. "How do we keep meeting in the most inconvenient of ways?"

Large sparkling turquoise eyes blinked up at him from the floor. It was a woman. The same woman who was SUPPOSED to be working like he paid her to do, and yet here she was. On her knees with a scrub brush in her hands and a bucket of water next to her, near her also against the wall was a broom and a few other things too. 

"What is your purpose here?"

"I-..I came to deliver a few things to you but you weren't here," she slowly spoke.

"Clearly I wasn't. What do you think you're doing?"

"I'm cleaning." She blinked at him like it should've been obvious to him. 

"I can see that. Why?"

"Because I don't think it's fair for you to live in such conditions."...He slowly blinked. "This place was pretty filthy when I came inside. There wasn't anyone around so I..." Her gaze turned to the side and a hand shyly fiddled with the scrub brush in her hands. "I figured it was the least I could do after all your help. No one deserves to be forced to live in a dirty home."

The demon did not say anything but looked around the home. The cobwebs and dust was gone. What little furniture the previous owner left behind looked cleaned. And by the looks of her, she was almost done with the floor. 

A sigh escaped his lips. "I did not ask you to do this."

"I know but I wanted to. No one made me. Just let me finish up and I'll show you what I brought with me."

He only sighed and reached out to pluck the pheasant back off the ground. "Very well. But next time I would like to be notified of your visit to me beforehand."

She chuckled. "Fair enough."

He sat to the side patiently watching as she finished with what she was doing before tossing the bucket of water out and then returned to him with a smile. "I'm so happy you're back! I think you'll like what I brought you." He remained silent but watched as she brought over a few things. A pillow and a semi thick blanket being the first things handed to him. "Here. I have extras. It'll be better than sleeping on the hard floor." He silently took them from her lightly surprised. "Here. I also made you some food. I figured you might be hungry."

A rather large bento box was also given to him. Upon opening it, he found a rather decent amount of cooked rice and a meat and vegetable dish he hadn't seen before but it all certainly was home made. He just..stared at all of this unsure of how to feel about it but she wasn't done gifting him things. She also gifted him some soap for use during his stay there and lastly-

"I also brought a few candles I finished."

Already? It's only been almost two full weeks yet she was done with a few? He silently continued watching as she reached into a pocket sewn into her kimono and brought out two of the candles he had requested. The other things were pushed to the side so he could slowly take the two finished ones from her soft hands.  It was the blueberry scented one and the pink one that smelt like cherry blossoms. Each one had detailed work carved all around their surface. Rolling clouds floating across a blue waxy sky while their neighbor occupied Sakura flowers blooming so fiercely that he felt any moment real petals would come falling off their stems. Sparkling eyes watched anxiously as they were turned in his hands as six eyes carefully examined them.

"I-I started on a third. The design is simple so I'll quickly be done with another. ...Do you like them?"

He remained silent and still before a sigh left through his nose. "These are both acceptable." He nodded. "They'll do." She smiled brightly at him making him tighten his grip on the candles slightly. "How is your hand?" She blink. His head turned down to her hand. It was still bandaged so he couldn't tell how bad the wound was. But her eyes went even more wide as he reached out to gently grab it with surprising gentleness pulling it up to his eyes. "Is there any pain?"

Her eyes blinked before her face lit up a light pink. "Oh. It's healing W-Well." She gently pulled her hand away and he stays still.. slowly closing from the lack of warmth from her soft skin. "T-There's not really too much pain." Her eyes shyly looked away. "It just stings every so often."

"That's good. I trust you haven't had trouble from that man then?"

"Sabo?" Her pretty smile scrunched into a frown. "Thankfully no. He hasn't been around since you told him off, but it is curious. My boss seems to have changed her mind about my punishment."

"I suppose she's not stubborn enough to keep up the bluff...You should return back and finish the task I entrusted to you."

She had left soon after and he was left to stare at everything before him. The food, the sheets, the clean living space-...Is this what came with being taken cared of? Well he supposed that he was always taken cared of this way. The maids always took care of everything he needed and the cooks always provided him with food at a snap of his fingers. Or in more recent years he's resorted to hunting and forging for food during these last three years because of the war and slept  wherever convenient. If he was lucky he'd be able to sleep on a soft patch of grass with a rolled up animal hide for a pillow. He never complained about it. He never saw the point of complaining, it wouldn't change a thing and only make him look like a fool. Everything was always either handed to him without question by his birth right or he had to struggle to obtain himself. 

....It was unheard of for someone to choose to do this for him.

Yet...she did. She chose to cook for him. To clean for him. To care for him. He supposed it was just all out of thanks for helping her even if he did it unintentionally. The candles were placed to the side. The food smelt..good. Chopsticks were used to shove into the dish and slowly raised it too a fang filled maw before it disappeared within. It tasted..good.  AMAZING. Perhaps it was only because he hadn't really had a home cooked meal for almost three years between the battlefield and home but it did taste delicious. Especially the vegetables and boiled beef. It was covered in spices and some kind of sauce he was unfamiliar with but he did enjoy it after eating plain roasted animals. ... Perhaps he should get her to cook the pheasant? No, no. She was already busy and he couldn't have anymore delays. He was already testing his father's patience with fulfilling his mother's request. A blanket was unfurled with a whoosh sounds..it was very soft and so doubt would keep someone warm. Spread onto the cleaned floor it went followed by a pillow just thrown down, and a body slowly sinking into it's soft surface. The pillow dipping to accommodate the head laid across it's surface. Six eyes stared at the ceiling free of cobwebs now.  It had been so long since his body had the comfort of something soft to rest on. 

It would be a nice change of pace.

Perhaps if she didn't have anything tying her down here or was married by the time the war was over, he should offer her a job as a maid in his estate. She'd certainly be a good addition to the staff. Hard working, focused, kind, caring, responsible, actually spoke to him as a person- Hmm. Or maybe she'd fit in better with the cooks? She could certainly make a good home cooked lunch. He could make her his own personal cook. Or maybe he'd make her his mother's personal maid. If she was able to care for that old wench so well then surely she'd care for his own mother better.

Or maybe...she could be his own aid.

Eyes closed banishing the thoughts from his mind. Turning his head to the left facing the empty old fireplace. He already had a few maids assigned to care for his room while he was gone to was. He didn't need another. Besides all of these were only based on a what if scenario if he actually decided to extend a job offer to her and only if she said yes. There was also plenty of other candidates that could make a better maid or cook than a woman he's only known for less than a year. There wasn't even any jobs that needed women in his estate other than a maid or cook..

Except for being a concubine.

The very thought of him having one disgusted him. He didn't see the point of having an endless amount of women annoyingly bothering him or trying to seduce him when he just wanted to get things done or have some alone time. It was too much hassle for something he didn't even need. However his father had suggested the idea of just having one for if nothing else just to bare an heir for him. He supposed it was a solution for his bloodline and would save him the hassle of finding a wife, but even so he'd need to find one that'd be a suitable mother so in the end it didn't solve anything other than he didn't have to marry her. He hadn't found any woman suitable for a concubine let alone a wife. What woman would do?

A brief picture of his ideal woman passed in his mind. A woman who smiled at him with wide sparkly turquoise eyes, draped in beautiful silks matching her beautiful soft eyes, her body adorned in the finest jewelry, her silky hair framing her gentle face, and soft lips letting giggles escape as she gave him a shy look with a smile gently holding his hand-

 CRASH-

He sat up panting, heaving for air. A nearby vase was sent flying across the home making contact with the wall from a throw, leaving spiderweb cracks in the wood and clay pieces all over the once clean floor. His eyes blinked one by one as he stared at the mess, only now becoming aware that his free hand had sunk into the wooden floor splintering it. Silence sank in the longer the demon sat there slowly processing his situation and what had just happened...A slow exhale left his mouth before a hand rubbed at his face.

"Troublesome woman. AWAY WITH YOU FROM MY THOUGHTS!!"

Gods was he this starved from any real affection that his mind is plauging himself with impossible scenarios with the first lady that showed him decency?! Sigh. Alright. First order of business after the war...Find a wife. He wouldn't allow himself to drag himself down to the level of a degenerate!! He decided to occupy his thoughts by going out and harshly training himself for the rest of the day to cleanse his thoughts. 

He decided to visit her again at work about halfway through the third week. Not because he was concerned about anything, but he was genuinely curious if she had finished anymore of his mother's candles. The door was still left open considering the extremely warm summer weather, and sure enough he saw her sitting there in her usually spot but no signs of her boss anywhere. Good. A rest for the ears.

She didn't notice him standing in the doorway at first until his shadow fell over her making her pause and snap a look over her shoulder... before smiling. "Well hello! I wasn't expecting you to come here today. Are you in need of anything?"

His head slowly shook no. "No. I simply came to see your progress. The timeline you gave me is almost over."

She smiled brightly at him and gestured to two candles set to the side. "I have two others finished and a third one nearly done. If you'd like to see them, you may."

He was already reaching out for them before she even finished her sentence. She did pause though when he leaned over her to grab both in one hand, his soft bangs brushing against her cheek briefly before leaning back up to inspect the two candles set in his hand. It was the green mint smelling one and the darker blue one that smelt like his mother's violets. Vines reached out and swirled within the mint's surface blooming realistic looking leaves. Waves rolled and crashed throughout the blue ocean in his palms. Beautiful work. 

A hum left the demon. "These are also acceptable. I will take them."

She smiled wider. "I'm glad you like them! I will admit, carving waves wasn't easy as I'd never done it before but I think I managed really well."

He hummed looking at the candles in his hands before glancing back to her hands. Her hand was still bandaged and it it was the peach scented candle. On it's surface was half a beautiful dove mid flight on its curved cylinder surface. This one probably wouldn't take too long for her to finish as it was a single picture instead of patterns all around it's sides. She started back onto it despite him still standing there watching. She seemed at ease despite the looming demon casting a shadow over her. Curious.

"...May I watch you work?"

She looked up at him surprised but soon smiled calmly. "Of course. I don't mind." Her eyes followed him as he slowly walked and chose to sit down to her right. He was still wearing that hat and moved his bangs to help hide his face. "Are you hungry? I made a pie earlier today."

"I do not want to interrupt your work only observe."

She was already getting up placing her tools down. "It's not a problem. Wait here and I'll be right back."

She left before he could even protest, blinking at her retreating form before a sigh escaped his throat with a shake of his head. She didn't have to and shouldn't have bothered but she did anyways. Ten minutes later she returned and placed both a warm red berry pie in front of him and a cup of hot tea with a smile.

"Here. You're probably hungry just walking around town waiting for me to finish."

"I busy myself by training constantly. Meditation also helps pass time." 

He slowly picked up two chopsticks and the plate that was given to him. Hmm. Smelt good. When was the last time he had a pie?  He gave it another smell, determined that it was fine to eat, and then just took the tools left to him to chop off a piece to lift to his mouth. The taste of sweet cooked berries, sugar, and the crunchiness of the crust filled his senses. All six eyes widened.

It was delicious.

His mouth despite his usual control watered as fangs chewed and swallowed.

"I hope it's alright. I haven't baked a pie in a while so it might not be as-"

She blinked as despite his usual composure and control, he dug into the delicious food. Bite after bite was had. When the sweet pie was already long disappeared into his stomach, it seemed to finally dawn on him on how rude he might've looked, he looked at her with slight embarrassment in his eyes about ready to apologize for his manners. To his surprise she was giggling holding a hand to her cheek.

"Well I never suspected someone would like my cooking that well."

"My apologies. I must've been more hungry than I realized. I'm ashamed of my rudeness-"

She waved him off. "It's alright. Eat slowly next time. You have a bit of berry on your face."

The demon blinked and raised an arm to clean off the wrong side of his mouth. The girl giggled again and just reached into her kimono pocket to pull out a napkin. He rubbed the side of his face and looked at his sleeve annoyed that nothing came off his face but paused when he felt something soft pressed against the other side of his mouth.  The demon's eyes stared into turquoise ones, and he felt something stirring within his chest. 

"There." He still didn't move as the plate was taken away with a smile. "If that's the case I'll get you another piece. There's plenty enough." She left again and two minutes later came back to him sipping on the tea she gave him. "Here." She said sliding the second piece in front of him.

He nodded. "I thank you. Forgive me for my behavior earlier. It shall not happen again."

"It's alright. By how fast you ate, it looks like you never had a pie before."

"I assure you I have. It has just been a while. Almost three years now."

She blinked. "That was about as long as the war lasted." Her eyes again glanced at his katana before she slowly sat down. "...Does that mean you fight in the war?"

He was quiet for a long moment before the cup was placed down and he again picked up the plate. "Yes but I don't like to discuss it with those who are not involved and who are innocent. It could only bring trouble...I would appreciate you do not tell anyone of this either."

She immediately nodded her head. It wasn't any of her business what he does and it doesn't involve her plus it wasn't her place to pry into his private life. They were acquaintances at best, and customer and employee first. Her hands silently picked up the candle again. Silence resumed for a while as he silently ate and she carved away on the candle. Eventually he took a moment to look at her.

"The owner is not here. Where is she?'

"My boss went to help her daughter-in-law with cleaning out her son's house today. So it's just me and you right now."

"Hmm. And has THAT man returned to bother you at all?"

"You mean Sabo?" His grip slightly hardened on the chopsticks. "No. He hasn't been back since you told him off thank the gods."

He relaxed. "Good... However I am curious on one thing. How did you come to work here?"

"My boss needed someone to help around her shop so she took me as an apprentice when I was a teenager and taught me how to make soaps and candles although she definitely has a knack for me being her maid too, but I would still rather work here than around drunk men at the inn. What about you?" Her eyes briefly glanced at him as she worked. "Why did you become a samurai?"

"It is an honorable family tradition passed down. I take pride in my path in life."

"You certainly seem to have the skill for it. How did you come to fight in the war?"

"Family duty. How did you come to carve?"

"I wanted to be a woodcarver but there wasn't any real opportunities for me to do that. I discovered that wax and soap was way softer than wood and I thought it would be good to practice carving on them so I can one day be a carver. It was just a hobby really but my boss noticed and she thought it would be a good addition to the store."

He completely stopped. "SHE thought it would be a good addition? So she didn't ask you if you were comfortable with doing it professionally?"

"No...Not really but I don't complain about it. It's still fun to do."

Disgusting greedy wench! If it was up to him, he'd arrest her entire bloodline! Unfortunately he needed to keep his cover and this wasn't his territory...Hmm. Asking his father to claim this territory sounded more tempting to him by the minute. 

"I see..How is that candle coming along?"

She smiled again as she kept working. "I'm almost finished with it then I'll only have one last candle to carve for you."

"Perfect."

By the end of the day he walked out with three more candles finished and a small wrapped up pie she insisted he take with him to eat later. She just had one last candle to carve and then he'd be able to get back to his mother. She also seemed to be finishing a few days earlier than expected so he'll be able to leave sooner than later. On the last week of the month long time line she gave, he was meditating. Meditating with a head clear of thoughts until something knocked on his door. Six eyes snapped open. A hand instantly grabbing his weapon as his head snapped to the door.

"Kokushibo?," a woman's voice called from the other side. "It's me. May I come inside?"

...His form relaxed. Oh. What a troublesome woman. "You may enter."

The sliding door went open and the turquoise eyed woman stepped inside. In her hands was a small cloth bag and a pure white candle. "I finished so I thought I would come give it-"..She paused. Blinked. Before her face lit up a red and she looked away instantly. "W-W-WHY ARE YOU SHIRTLESS?!"

His brow rose. "Because it is summer and very hot. I prefer to meditate without sweating. I'm not indecent."

"P-PUT IT BACK ON PL-PLEASE!!," She squeaked out flustered at the sight of his toned upper body visible.

An amused huff left his throat before he reached for the discarded haori coat. "I assume you are completely finished?" She nodded still looking away. "Excellent." 

The coat was tied around him quickly as he stood up and walked over to her. She shyly looked up at him and seemed relieved to see him fully covered again. The rosiness of her cheeks were soft compared to her sparkling eyes and the shy stance she took looked so-

B E A U T I F U L

He shook his head. "Let me see the candle." She handed it over without saying anything. The smell of sweet vanilla filled the air as he grabbed it and saw dancing snowflakes across it's surface. "...This is acceptable. Your obligation to me is done...What is in the bag?"

She cleared her throat. "W-Well, I heard you were leaving as soon as I finished everything so I brought you something to eat before you left." She handed over the bag to him. "It's a few baked sweet potatoes. You can eat them here or while traveling."

He took the bag from her and brought it close to his face. Indeed he was able to smell the food she described. "Hmm...These will also be acceptable. I thank you."

"Oh it was no problem." She smiled sweetly as a fluttering noise erupted behind him. Something black stopping on a window. "I was more than happy t-"

 CAW!!

She squealed out and whirled around. He calmly turned his head behind him. Perched on an open window sill was a complete black bird with a purple ribbon around its next. It tilted its head at him before opening its wings and flapping them.

 CAW!!

It shrieked again at them making her blink. "A raven?"

"Messenger crow," he corrected. His mother's personal messenger crow. And around her leg was a decently sized note rolled. "Hello, Ebony." He placed the objects in his hands down before walking over to her. He reached out and the crow happily let him scratch her neck. "Were you bringing me a message? What a good girl you are." The crow ruffled her feathers pleased and held still as he untied the message from her leg.

"Oh she's beautiful." The woman next to him smiled at the bird. Ebony puffed up ruffling her feathers more in pride. "May I pet her?"

"Certainly. Hold out your hand. If she doesn't move, then she's allowing you to touch her." He pulled the message away and unfurled it. "If she backs away, leave her be."

He didn't pay attention to her as she reached out to pet the crow...nor did he notice when the crow suddenly hopped onto her shoulder. His eyes scanned the message his mother sent and-...Oh no.  This was not any kind of good news. As he suspected, the peace talks did NOT go well. His father wanted him back as soon as possible. Yoriichi was also taking the opportunity with his father absent and marrying Uta at the end of summer. This message was also a formal invitation for his brother's wedding ceremony...Which he won't be able to attend because of his father's demands to come back and help him with the next upcoming battle. 

....It would be improper to not at least give Yoriichi a wedding gift unless he wanted rumors to spread.

He looked back up but..blinked seeing Ebony perched on top of the woman's shoulder. She was happily thrumming as the woman gently stroked her head. "She's very friendly isn't she?"

"Not .. usually. I've only ever seen her let two other people besides myself hold her like that." Which was his mother and Yoriichi.

She giggled. "Then I feel honored to be in her good graces." She looked back to him. "What did the letter say?"

"..My brother is getting married soon."

"Oh. What does that mean?" 

"It means I have one more job for you before I leave."

[familyofpaladins]

I HAD A REVELATION

okay so I was thinking about gender. My gender. And my feelings about being a cis girl over time.

When I was little I used to wear all kinds of dresses and wore nail polish and even occasionally makeup (but like. Sloppily as a 7 year old would lol) and how overtime I stopped wearing nail polish and stopped wearing dresses and despised make up. I dont really remeber why I stopped with nail polish. Maybe because it flaked off too easily or maybe I was sick of the few colors we had idk. I know I gradually stopped wearing dresses and night gowns because I was sick of being told I couldnt "put my legs up [up against the wall or just straight up in the air] or that I had to sit a certain way while wearing one. So I wore more and more pants.

I think about how i used to stand in the toys aisles while my mom did grocery shopping and look at "The Boys" section and think how much cooler it was than the girls section.

And I think about how my music teacher told us one day we'd hit puberty and we'd grow and us girls would be like "[in a high pitched voice] OH MY GOSH I LOVE BOYS AND DID YOU HEAR ABOUT SO AND SO" and I looked over at my classmates and friends to see if they were also terrified of becoming annoying teenage boy-obsessed girls.

And i think about how when I was at my friend's house and we were building "tree forts" in the woods i would wish I had a penis for the convenience of being able to just go pee behind a tree, because squatting near the ground was Not Fun and I hated walking all the way back to the house. And I think about how I hated that I'd have to wear a bra once my boobs started to come in

Now you might be thinking. Friend I think you want[ed] to be a boy. But the thing is, i dont.

I may have hated being restricted in dresses but I dont actually hate them. I've gotten a couple dresses in the last 10 years (for prom and graduation and a [not my] wedding) and how I actually did like how I looked in them and enjoyed wearing them for that time.

I think about how I was jealous of the boys selection of toys, but also how I had a ton of barbies that I massively enjoyed and how if I'd been a boy I probably wouldnt have been able to enjoy them (thanks to pressure from society) as well as a bunch of other "girly" items and shows and movies. I think about how I'm actually Asexual and that I wasnt scared of becoming "a young woman", I just didnt understand the obsession with sex/romance/boyfriend&girlfriend stuff.

And while having a penis is more convenient for peeing I also remeber thinking that it would suck to get kicked in the balls and/or that trope of falling on soemthign between your legs that happens in so many movies (not that it feels any better with a vagina honestly). And that if I had been born a boy I'd most likely have to deal with all the toxic masculinity forced on me, and I'm glad I dont have to deal with that.

And while me and my boobs dont always get along, I remember that after getting my first cute bra, I thought. Oh well maybe this isnt so bad. And I mostly wear sports bras now because I do wish they were smaller and I HATE that so many bras (EVEN THE SPORTS BRAS) are already padded into cup shapes, and while I don't mind Having Boobs, i Do Not want to show them off. And sometimes i think that maybe i wouldn't mind chopping them off, but then i think how my figure/outline/silhouette would look with out them, and that seems worse.

And i think about the times I've accidentally been called "Sir" from tired fast food employees when wearing gender nonspecific clothing and felt happy about it. But not "oh it feels right to be called sir/he/him" , but more of "hehe I fooled you! You thought this was a dress but its pants!"

And really this is all to say. I was born a girl and grew up that way so it's what I'm used to. If I'd been born with a dick then I guess I'd be a guy. If you magically stuck me in a male body right now, would I feel like a Guy or feel like a girl in a guys body? I honestly dont know. So am I non binary? Maybe that that doesnt quite feel right either.

Being a girl is what I've grown up as and into, and it's what I'm used to and going by anything else is… odd. Maybe itd be better and maybe it wouldnt. It's like an old blanket. You've had it forever and maybe its frayed and patched maybe a little too small and it's not what people expect you to have for a blanket, and maybe you could do with a new one. But nothing feels right with out it. No other blanket feels the same. It's what you're used to and its familar. It's a comfort blanket.

And that's why being a [cis] girl is my comfort gender.

[whatevertheweather]

Hello, salutations, happy Wednesday. I've been thinking I want to share something, but I don't know what to share, so I'm going to share a little of everything. Every WIP I have. Six snippets. Roughly in order of how much I've been working on them. Here we go.

One:

Baz had thought of Simon as someone who would indulge in any available vice, but it turns out there are only a few, very particular vices he cares about, and the rest is anyone else’s problem. “I don’t need much,” he said, which is an extremely relative statement at best and a reckless conflation of ‘much’ with ‘many different things’ at worst. He had, in his own words, half a drinking problem for a bit, and he’s never much interested when there’s alcohol on the literal or metaphorical table, but they did get high together the other night. (“Drink is to numb the bad. Weed is to augment the good.”) Simon had brought them up to the roof of Baz’s building because he wanted to look at the moon. They laid down under a sky of sullen grey clouds turned sickly by the city lights, and Baz said, “Where is it?” and Simon shrugged, and then he found them a blunt to smoke instead. They passed it back and forth until Simon told him he wanted to eat the stars, and Baz asked why. Simon said he thought it would feel good. Baz laughed until Simon shut him up with a hand over his mouth and tried to explain that it would be a power trip, that you’d never feel more pure and full than having a star in your belly. Baz told him you would never feel more dead, and Simon threatened to make him dead, and the moon never showed her face, but it was rather a lovely night anyway.

Two:

“What?” Baz says, and Simon’s eyes snap up to his. “Nothing, just, you—” What? You have a nice throat? “—you have a bit of fluff,” he mumbles, and he reaches out to brush the lie off of his neck. It was a bad idea, because now his fingertips are on Baz’s skin, and he’s cool to the touch, he’s softer than Simon expected, and it’s right there, all he wants to do is trace a finger over the shape of his Adam’s apple, down to the hollow of his throat. His collarbones, too, they’ve a nice slope to them. Gentle, smooth. His shirt’s open a bit (his shirt’s always open a bit), and his chest hair peeks out of it. He’s got more than Simon. Simon would get his fingers into that, too, rub his thumb over his chest, push his palm flat over his heart. “Surely you’ve gotten it by now.”

Three:

Simon’s curiosity was losing the fight, honestly. On the whole, he was just so very glad Agatha had whatever weird baggage this was so that Simon had the chance to fix what fate had boggled by not sending him to the same school to room with Baz. (And look at Baz. And talk to Baz. And maybe get under Baz.) (Definitely get under Baz.) (He’d have found an excuse to manage it at school, one way or another.) “And now?” Simon asked. He was downright giddy with it every time he got Baz to look at him. He felt it all the way down to his toes.

Four:

He thinks on that first night, as he shoves at the sash, fights with the frame, rests his hands on the sill to breathe once he’s managed it, that he might be truly, profoundly pathetic. That he craves the familiar, the routine, the mundanity of Snow’s existence so desperately that he will do this for just an echo of it. But he thinks on the second night that he is wrong. That maybe he wants the familiar but it is not this, because the open air doesn’t make Baz think of Snow. It makes him think without relent about how fucking cold he is. No other thought stands a chance. He buries himself under every blanket and he shivers still, he watches that open window and he curls in on himself, he feels no warmth and that is what he wants, something physical and immediate that is so loud in his head that there’s no room for anything else. He aches with the cold, and there are worse things to think about than that.

Five:

This is the first time he’s felt suited to actually sitting in this car like he belongs here instead of accidentally existing in it like some kind of dodgy hitchhiker, and it’s making him restless. He feels like he’s wearing someone else’s skin. He huffs again as he drops his head to the side to look at Baz. “Can I hold your hand?”

Six:

He’d gone out to the alley to get some fresh blood in him. It was a stupid idea—you had to be drunk to be humming happily while you sucked blood from a rat’s neck, and from there sobering up could only be a steep downward tumble—but Baz was a stupid drunk. The sort who thought the line between stupidity and brilliance was very thin, and that he was always wobbling on the correct side of it. The sort who thought he could get away with flashing fang in central London just because everyone else in a three-block radius was also being a stupid drunk.

This is an open invitation for someone to come round and hit me with a pool noodle until I finish any of these, please and thank you.

Now, tags:

@fatalfangirl @you-remind-me-of-the-babe @moodandmist @artsyunderstudy @cutestkilla @confused-bi-queer @ivelovedhimthroughworse @basiltonbutliketheherb @martsonmars @facewithoutheart @captain-aralias @forabeatofadrum @aristocratic-otter @ionlydrinkhotwater

[lorbanery]

I am a Sally Hansen hater. They put out some very cute nail polishes, but I've personally never met a Sally Hansen nail polish that ever actually dried.

But I saw these cute ass press on nails and I wanted a set for some photos I'm getting done and these were perfect. So I figured, what the hell? It's just plastic and super glue, even THEY couldn't fuck that up.

FORESHADOWING

Now, I've been applying press-ons all Pride month — this is my fourth set and third brand. So let's get it out of the way now: When I say these were a pain in the ass to get on? It's not just a skill issue. I know how to apply press-ons properly, I still consult the directions every time, and I've had a good amount of recent practice.

First things first, they call these "almond shaped", which you might agree with based on that top-down photo. But consider this from another angle:

Now, I don't have anything against claw nails. It's a very cool maximalist aesthetic that allows for a lot of artistic and style expression; and, let's be honest, it's a style that was created by Black women and femmes and the dislike of those kinds of nails is deeply rooted in misogynoir (that particular combination of sexism and racism that Black women experience). Besides, it's just created by the natural curve of the nail (or at least the curve of the false nails recreating the curve of the natural nail). But USUALLY you don't get that real claw look for AT LEAST another inch. I don't know why they have this extreme curve. For that matter, going back to the "almond shape"? Almonds aren't concave like the edge of these nails!

I know that's hard to achieve a perfect almond shape when you're doing it yourself. But I'm 87% sure these are molded, and also you are a MASSIVE manufacturer. You can afford to make nails that are ACTUALLY almond-shaped and not have this weird angle and concave edge that makes it look like I'm cosplaying an iguana.

Moving on. I have used press-on nails since the days you could only get semi-opaque white nails in square or oval shapes that required you to nail polish them yourself. I have NEVER found a press-on that was this cheap, flimsy plastic. Below are two comparison photos to show you how much they bend.

Onto the actual application. It is normal for some glue to seep out at the edges of the nail. It's even normal that, occasionally, your pressing down finger will get stuck to the press-on while the press-on didn't get stuck to your nail. But it happened for 8 out of 10 of these nails. All but the thumbs got a healthy, ugly coating of nail glue while I struggled through multiple attempts to get the press-ons to actually STICK TO MY NAIL.

Now, I will give SH this: I was able to wipe some acetone nail polish remover over them to remove most of the glue without straight up melting the plastic, or even losing the shiny finish. Which was inconceivable twenty years ago. I'm pretty sure that's one of the many reasons they started manufacturing them with colors and designs already on the nails. Because if you made a mistake while you were painting them yourself there was a high probability that the only remover you had on hand was acetone-based, so you were SOL.

So credit where credit is due, not only did these not melt, not only did they not lose their shine, I don't even see any evidence the design was affected in any way.

On the other hand I've never had this much leakage. Like, it was so bad that I, someone who had previously been under the impression that acetone was still a no-no for press-ons, broke out the acetone remover. And you can still see some of the leftover glue residue.

These nails are more expensive than Kiss nails but infinitely worse quality.

I guess we'll see how long the glue actually lasts, but I'm not holding my breath. I still have some leftover Kiss glue I could use instead, but honestly their glue is pretty shit too. Like not as bad as SH, but once the press-ons have lifted/popped off once, you'll get maybe a day out of the new glue application before they lift/pop off again. I wish I still had the OPI glue to use, but by the time I got frustrated enough with the Kiss glue, the OPI glue had leaked out and coated the whole applicator tip in semi-cured nail glue.

Anyway fuck Sally Hansen.

[literaryreference]

okay so. aa6 is undeniably a mess. it is my least favorite aa game. i'm not trying to defend it. but i do think that when criticizing it, it is important to understand that khura'in is almost literally japan in a funny hat. like, even aesthetically, they are barely trying to make it look like it's not japan. and you might say, okay, well, they clearly did zero research for their "our great country bringing enlightenment to the benighted natives of a backwards land" narrative and that just makes it worse, but the "this is obviously just japan" aspect is so blatant that personally i feel it is probably on purpose. i think the racism of aa6 is instead, primarily, the racism of using another culture as window dressing for a commentary on your own. and that's still bad! it's just a different kind of bad.

japanese media does of course sometimes contain colonialist apologism on purpose. but these narratives tend to be based on long-term occupation and/or administrative control. "we built them roads! we educated them! sure we also tried to destroy their culture and language but look how much better off they are! why aren't they grateful?" aa6 doesn't really hit any of the talking points i would expect to see out of imperial japan apologia. instead it's acting out something that looks a lot like the usa's late-20th-to-early-21st-century imperialist narrative of "we'll just drop in quickly, fix things, and then leave." and that's not really the shape that japan's imperialism has taken, which i think makes it less likely to be intentional.

i think that in aa5 the writers got a little overly self-indulgent and decided they didn't want the protagonists to keep struggling to wring individual victories out of a defective system like in real life, they wanted them to be able to fix it, to win in a definitive way. but then they've got another game to write. and they've painted themselves into a corner because the end of aa5 takes most of the themes and concerns of the series to date off the table. and since the permanent fix in aa5 isn't reflective of anything in real life, it's not like those themes and concerns aren't still relevant, and there's not an obvious new angle to explore. so what do they do? they make a country that looks uncannily like japan, that is named after maya's japanese hometown, and they put funny hats on everybody. now it's a different country that happens to still have the same problems! easy fix.

of course, the better move would have been to just, you know, not do that in aa5. (i don't know if they knew there was going to be an aa6 at the time, but idk, i didn't love the permanently-fixing-the-system angle even in gaa/dgs where it happened at the end of the duology. it just feels a little too pat.) so again, i'm not really defending the writers here. and the fact that we are pretending that khura'in is not japan means you do end up with a narrative where the pcs go into a different country to fix the other country's problems and that has unfortunate implications regardless of what the intent was. but i do honestly believe that the "our great country bringing enlightenment to the benighted natives of a backwards land" narrative is an unintentional byproduct of bad writing choices and that the writers are not trying to claim any actual moral high ground for their own culture.

[ladymorghul]

I genuinely think they tried to add complexity to Aegon but it looks like some clash in the writers' room because he is written and acted one way on screen and then he is described as someone who is doing these horrible things off screen. Also the rape storyline was done to create a conflict for Alicent to solve and kind of bond with Dianna over traumatic experiences but it wasn't conveyed very well on screen and they threw Aegon under the bus in the process. They might think he will "pay" for his crimes when he will be badly injured and the audience will sympathize with him like they did with Viserys whose suffering was shown in detail. Especially compared to Aemond who was shown as a tough guy who didn't cry (they even showed him smiling) when he lost an eye and his recovery process was skipped completely, so the audience doesn't really sympathize with him because they don't see an effect it had on him, it's left off screen. I think it's too early to say where they're heading with both Aegon and Aemond.

i don't think they genuinely tried. i mean if i try to take the writers' comments seriously it honestly doesn't sound good? like they're like "we made him a monster but he's not a monster" because they describe the horrible things he did but then only verbally do they say he's not that bad and worth of sympathy. none of that translates in the show. either they lack the ability to write him the way they thought they would write him or they just never wanted to. they literally wrote him comically bad. his only temporarily good quality is being somewhat self aware but he's also not doing anything worthy with that information and it goes away as quickly as he's handed some power. yes, he's had a complicated relationship with his mother and a horrible one with his father and i've discussed this in the past at length, i would have to dig up the asks, but at the end of the day, there's plenty of characters who have had... a worse experience? of course it offers you insight as to why he turned out the way he did and makes you sympathize with him as a child but he never actually stands up and does something good for anyone to sympathize with him. he doesn't take his responsibilities seriously at all, he is presented as being mean to his siblings, not caring about his wife or children or dragon, constantly disappointing his mother by doing terrible things, making gross comments to women in his vicinity, being cruel to children etc.

i'm sorry but genuinely.... if that was an attempt from them it was a poor one. my final opinion is that they did a very bad job with aegon and whatever comes in s2, no matter what it is, is shaped by the bad job they did in s1.

we can agree to disagree though.

[openedmaw]

ok so, I have no idea if you're the right person to ask about this but I ain't got anyone else so I just gotta try it

my black latex creature thing whatever the FUCK they're called kintype is a predator of humans, whenever I think about them for to long my mouth starts watering, I get hungry, and my hunting instincts flare up, I see humans as prey. the thing is... most of my friends are humans, and deep down I can't help but just want to devour them, I'm hoping you'll have some advice for how to deal with this, I don't wanna make them uncomfortable and they don't know I'm a predator yet.

honestly I don't have a whole lot of suggestions as i don't actually spend a lot of time around humans. i tend to keep things i can chew on with me and that helps with the biting/devouring impulses, you could also keep things like meat sticks with you if having a taste is important to your desires.

depending on your friend group and how they react to things, as well as whether this would actually help quell the want or if it would just make it worse/harder to control, something i do with my human shaped friends is just. bite them. some can take harder bites than other, and i like to make chewing motions as well. not hard enough to hurt them too bad but enough that it feels like im kind of eating them.

i hope this is helpful somewhat, my followers are free to add suggestions in the replies/reblogs if they have other suggestions! i also wanna tag @scarsmood bc i feel like they might have some input, it feels in their wheelhouse :°]

[chaoss-incarnate]

hi everyone! i don't think people are really interested but since i started talking about a possible disability, my cane, etc, on here, i thought i might update jsjsj

SO i went to the doctors three (i think?) weeks ago, and he told me that the problems i was having were caused by bad posture and my feet are a weird shape because of me walking weird (i was not aware of this lmaooo). so he said i should start swimming (i was gonna start this week but i got super sick).

the problem. my issues are DEFINETLY not caused by the shape of my feet and poor posture. i mean, i could certainly improve my posture and do more exercise (in fact, i'm working on it, remembering to sit up straight, doing stretching/yoga usually once a day, etc), but like?? theres def an underlying problem that i think is chronic pain and fatigue. like, doing simple tasks around the house leaves me pretty tired (like now for example, i washed the dishes, cleaned the stove and brushed the floor, and my back, arms and knees are KILLING me, and i feel pretty lightheaded). so yeah, i know this is most likely worsened by the fact that im sick and on my period (triple whammy lmao) but its been getting worse for over a month. like, i leave my house and stay out for like 3-4h doing errands and shit and i can barely walk home, having to use my cane AND my mum's support to walk around. it just kills me. plus sometimes my legs get so tired from pain and shit that my knees buckle and they hit the floor, overall making it worse. plus my fucking migraines-

okay, im SO SORRY for ranting about this, its turned into a vent about my pain and honestly you dont have to read it. the thing is that me and my mum were planning to go to the emergency room at some point when possible, but today she told me to call my regular doctor? i haven't done it yet since i want her to explain why to me.

one big problem regarding this is that i downgrade my symptoms to people, i worry about being a nuisance. however, i do this at the doctors too, and thats not good because they wont take me seriously unless i tell them everything (and maybe even exaggerate a little, everyone says to do it). if anyone has any tips for this lmk .

also! i quite like my cane but sometimes i believe that i could use some more support, and i really hurt my arms and shoulders using my cane. i was looking into crutches? im honestly not sure. anyways, if you have an opinion also lmk <3

i apologise for this absolute rant, but i think i needed it, thanks for reading if you've reached here

extra: i was reading about spoon theory and i definetly will be using!

[sorcerous-caress]

Don’t worry, I went to sleep and I’m at university and a whole adult so you aren’t corrupting the youth or anything.

Jubilee is a gold dragon sorcerer, and I have a hell of a lot of thoughts surrounding that she jokes that she’s biologically obligated to worship Bahmut but maintains that Justice really isn’t her thing. Her companions usually tease her about this because she’s generally such a goody two shoes but she maintains that compassion and justice are extremely different and compassion is the superior option by a lot.

I also think most draconic sorcerers have keener than normal senses with her large ears Jubilee is practically a radar dish and her sense of smell is on point. It’s very useful and actually is great because most illusions don’t account for smells so she’s quite good at sniffing them out. Unfortunately these overly keen senses can lead to some pretty severe sensory overload and she has to bury her face in someone’s shoulder and try too block everything out, I like to imagine Karlach bought her earmuffs at one point trying too help but Jubilee’s floppy rabbit ears are too big for them.

I also think that if Jubilee uses too much magic (aka runs out of spell slots) feral dragon brain takes over. She still retains her personality as a sweetheart so the worst she ever really does is hiss at someone and lay on Karlach like she's a warm rock but it's absolutely hilarious to watch their normal overly chatty and charismatic leader just go creature for a few hours. Jaheria and Halsien will wild shape to join her so it's bonding time.

The best and most practiced draconic sorceress in the lore of D&D can sometimes ascend to become actual dragons Jubilee has no real interest in this however Lae’del found out and is constantly badgering Jubilee to do it and be her Dragon mount. She maintains that since Astarion didn’t get to ascend it is only fair that she doesn’t either.

She says “my friends are my horde” like it's a joke, it is not she loves them, treasures them and guards them as fiercely as any Dragon would protect its horde. Other thing in her hordes included various insects (because she thinks they are neat little guys) and recipes (because she is a baker and cooking for people is her love language.)

I can not stress how much Jubilee adores each and every one of her companions because she does to pieces, even astarion (he is lucky Jubilee has more love in her heart than I do)

She seems so lovable, She is really keen on showering all the companions with all the love they never got, which honestly yeah. Love is the best medicine especially after traumatic events.

Halsin, Jaheira, and Karlach would probably adore her creature mode. First two because they can relate and Karlach because she thinks it's absolutely adorable.

She seems like the kind of person who is immune to being teased or bullied because she is so sincere and pure hearted that the offender just feels bad or backs off. Like if someone was mean to her, she'd disregard it and ask if they're okay or need help, completely taking people by surprise and making them feel ashamed of their actions.

Maybe she can be a sister or a friend figure to Asterion, god knows he needs platonic love so desperately. He is akin to a wet cat in a basket with a soggy cardboard cutout saying "adopt me" above it.

She does seem very selfless to a self sabotaging degree, Minthara would try to half a talk with her about it maybe. Halsin might encourage it or make it worse because he is like that too.

And the companions as her hoard thing, yeah, I relate to it! My sorcerer did the same thing, except it just resulted in them being more controlling, possessive, and protective.

I don't care what Mystra says Gale, you belong here.

Shadowheart sit your ass back down, I'm talking to Viconia when we get down there.

Vlaakith can suck my massive cock, Laezel, the gith hunters can claw you out of my cold dead hands.

Also, the second they unlocked level 11, they just flew everywhere. Even places that are walking distance, they just kept flying on buildings and forgetting their companions back down.

I made them carry my 100,000 gold worth gem pouch because it got too heavy, it was a privilege to the most favourite of the day tho.

Mostly Halsin, no one else really had the inventory space tbh. The dead clown body parts couldn't carry itself.