#honestly it feels like every other day someone i really admired turns to our polarized culture of hate

[lilaccatholic]

Man, I feel like every clip I see from Pints with Aquinas lately Matt Fradd is demeaning women. Really sad to see it, I used to love his interviews :/

[wheredemdokis]

[tastebreaker review] Law School (no spoilers)

Sometimes, I wish I could have a shrine for all the cerebral media that I consumed, because it definitely is my favourite archetype. Death Note was a masterpiece that I hungrily binged in one day - similarly with Psycho Pass (though I haven't watched the second season due to most of the reviews I have read). This extend well into non-anime media for me - State of Play (with Russell Crowe, Ben Affleck and Rachel McAdams) remains one of my favourite movies, Inception and, well, honestly anything by Christopher Nolan, and I have recently began watching The Matrix as well.

And so, the thirst for real mystery and brain games was quenched when I started watching Law School, with Kim Myung-min, Kim Beom and Ryu Hye-young, directed by Kim Suk-yoon. Needless to say, throughout the whole trip, I was hooked, counting down days until the next episode came... but towards the end - an unpopular opinion - I was actually quite disappointed.

And so, before you start your cross-examination, allow me to present my findings first.

- How did I start watching this?

My friend and I were looking around for something to binge on Netflix and forget about COVID-19. This series popped up, and the moment I read the title, my sapiosexual senses were tingled.

- And how was it?

Very good!... until the ending came. ;w;

- Genres & overarching themes?

Genres: Mystery, Thriller, Psychological

Overarching themes: murder mystery, law vs justice, intelligence (as in, the characters are all really smart hahah)

- Plot: 4/5

It could have been a high four, near five if it wasn't for the ending, frankly. The first episode started out with Professor Seo Byung-ju of Hankuk Law School dead, and the spotlight shines on Professor Yang Jong-hoon (the man in the poster above), the first suspect. But was it really him? From then, the mystery unfolds as our favourite study group (who shall be very well elaborated on later in this review) launches itself into investigation for true justice.

The series started out extremely strong in my opinion, with its first few episodes filled with twists and sub-plots that were waiting to get wrapped up. Every episode just leaves you gripping on the sides of your seat in suspense. It really makes you doubt every single person that appeared on-screen and watch out for anything that happens - the show uses the Chekhov's Gun trope really well. As the knots become unravelled, we gain more depth into the characters. However, as we near the end - about two-three episodes for me - the show started to lose its thrust, falling into a comfortable stereotype that made things rather frustrating.

One of the major advantages of Law School, in my opinion, is its ability to twist and turn everything. It prompts the viewers to realize that when the case is really examined in a whole different angle, with more and more evidence coming to light, everything changes. The use of different suspects' stories being told in each episode is a pleasure to watch - the viewers feel like an omniscient judge, overseeing the motives and evidence to draw out a conclusion for themselves on who might be the murderer. The series prompts the viewers to think, which is a trend I really like. It's also interesting to question why characters do certain things they do. Professor Yang Jong-hoon (my favourite character!), for example, is a very... chaotic (haha) character, who keeps on surprising people with his actions - yet, his actions are all elaborate executions of his strategy, a whole plan that he has concocted which accounted for multiple steps ahead, thanks to his extremely sharp vision of what could happen. Thus, it is extremely satisfying when everything falls into place as Yangcrates (a nickname he earned due to his Socratic teaching) explains everything that led up to a particular tense moment where the truth was unveiled.

Yet... this very trope had its downfall near the end. The murderer was so heavily shadowed on in the beginning that the viewers would have expected the murderer to be someone else completely unexpected, a mastermind that pulled the strings behind all the proceedings. Yet, the murderer and the mastermind behind the murder were someone so... I dare say, unimpressive. I mean, this particular 'mastermind' behind the murder fell into so many traps! The murderer was definitely my major disappointment - the villain was a weak character, an unsatisfying antagonist that the intelligent heroes, once having figured who he/she is, didn't even break a sweat to bring to light. The last, final twist that was supposed to be the most glamorous of them all, completely knocking the viewers off their feet, fell completely flat.

Secondly, whilst having a lot of sub-plots still remains a favourite trope of mine as I'd expect everything to wrap up nicely near the end... well, it didn't. Whilst most sub-plots were hastily answered, there was one particular sub-plot which was just left completely unaddressed (for those who have watched it, it's about J****s), and unless they're hinting at a second season where this would be further elaborated on, this was a dead-end sub-plot, a plot with no elaboration or continuation whatsoever.

Overall, the plot was breathtaking in the beginning. It lost momentum very near the end, and wrapped everything up with an anticlimactic last episode.

- Characters: 4.7/5

Definitely the strongest set of characters I've seen in a Korean drama, frankly. All characters were so well utilised, each having their own quirks and flaws which were delightful to watch. Everyone was so, so intelligent, that they honestly were the main fuel to the series, our main stars.

Allow me to first start off with my favourite character, Professor Yang Jong-hoon. Stoic, yet with an extremely savage side that he does not hesitate to show to anyone of any ranks or social standings, Yangcrates carefully plots everything, always thinks, questions, and then thinks even more. Intelligence-wise, this man is most definitely the smartest on-screen persona I've seen in the Korean drama franchise - able to see miles ahead and figure out all the answers down to their root, he is someone that definitely earns all the respect he has, from both his students and viewers alike. Personality-wise, this man is equally interesting as he is smart. With a cold exterior, Yangcrates does not take any bullshit (cue a particularly funny water spitting scene), and does not hold back harsh words to point it out. Yet, underneath this cold exterior is a burning desire to find the absolute truth, which would in turn bring justice to ones who have been wronged (refer to a particular lecture-like speech he made in episode 10), and a passion for teaching his students. He secretly cares for his students a lot, and expresses it in his own way.

Next, our favourite study group - a group of capable, enticing individuals. Firstly, we have Han Joon-hwi, a complex character that always pursues justice and fairness. His intelligence shines through with the way he, firstly, is able to take advantage of his sharp understanding of law into the case, and his careful processing of the evidence he gathers during investigation. Whilst he always keeps a cold head when needed, he has an equally warm heart, genuinely caring for wronged and innocent people. His expressions were all extremely raw and did not feel fake at all - really, props to his actor. More on this later.

Then, we have the two girls - Kang Sol A and Kang Sol B. Don't be fooled by their names - they are very much polar opposites. Whilst Kang Sol A is excitable and wears her heart on her sleeve (sometimes a bit too much), Kang Sol B always keeps a cool head, sometimes taking it to the extreme. I do admit that if I had to pick out of the two, though I love both of them very, very much, I'd probably lean a bit more towards Kang Sol A - even though she definitely gets on my nerves sometimes because of her overload of emotions that could be disruptive, she has her frequent bouts of creativity and "a-ha!" moments that display her underrated intelligence (I'm always soft for underdogs that are underestimated by everyone, only to turn the table on them later). She is also an extremely loyal friend and a very generous individual that isn't afraid to place herself in danger just to help others - overall, a very warm person. Kang Sol B, on the other hand - perhaps due to her family environment - does not really taking other people's emotions into consideration, though I really, really admire her for her intelligence, her ability to always keep a calm head (making her the blue counterpart to Kang Sol A's red), as well as her straightforwardness which has proven many times to be necessary to push the case forward. She does have a soft spot, though - a very adorable one at that. These two make an extremely adorable pair of friends.

My favourite student of the study group must be Seo Ji-ho. I'd say he's a less intimidating version of Kang Sol B hahah - cool and composed, Ji-ho is a reliable member who always pursues logic and reason first. He is also driven to achieve his goal and, like Joon-hwi, utilizes his deep understanding about law very well to solve his own case, his sub-plot. Though his sub-plot eventually was wrapped up as an open ending, it was a nice sub-plot to watch. Not to mention his dynamic with Joon-hwi is very adorable as well - the two really balance each other out.

Other students also have their own quirks and flaws, but for the sake of this review's length, I won't elaborate them as much - but I will say they are all a delight to watch, adding their own personal elements to the overall study group. I will definitely miss this set of characters so, so much. ;-;

- Acting: 4.4/5

Frankly, perhaps because of some K-drama series I have watched, I had a problem with acting in some K-drama series - the actors and actresses did not feel genuine, and they either overacted, pushing their expressions to the extreme, or underacted, simply being way too... stiff (some of my personal favourite actors and actresses so far are Kim Seon-ho, whose theatrical experiences probably really helped with his very natural acting, Jo Jung-seok, and Kim Hye-yoon, an actress who impressed me with both of her most popular series - hope to see her versatility shine through with more diverse roles though). This series, however, is a definite favourite of mine in terms of acting. Firstly, Kim Myung-min is a veteran actor that deserves so much respect - he basically morphed into Yangcrates. I absolutely loved the way he delivered his dialogues - very long ones! - without even so much as taking a breath in between - it was smooth and the flow was excellent.

Kim Beom also became one of my favourite actors after this series - the way he handled his role was so good, his expressions, actions, everything. I noticed that he's very good with his eyes, if that's the right way to put it - he is very good at displaying emotions with them, all emotions ranging from sadness to adoration (towards a particular someone *wink*). It's a top-notch skill, really, and I'm glad to have seen him on-screen. Similarly, Ryu Hye-young impressed me so, so much that I shall add her to my list of favourite actresses as well - I can't spoil, but she is really able at... altering her vibes, yes. She seems to have studied her character really carefully too, being able to bring all Sol A's quirks to real life. Other actors and actresses were amazing, but for me, these three definitely shone.

- Doki moments?

Ah. Definitely some between Sol A and Joon-hwi, as a lot of other people have commented. From the way they tease each other to the way he cares about her every little thing, the way he stares at her, the way his whole demeanor just changes around her and the way she unknowingly influences him so much - they do balance each other out really well, Joonhwi being the cool to Sol A's warm. I do find myself thinking Sol B and Ji-ho would be rather compatible as well (also, them being study rivals in high school? My rivals-to-lovers side is ready).

- Enjoyment: 4/5

Again, could have been higher if it wasn't for the ending! But yes, overall, a whole trip worth embarking on.

- Overall: 4.2/5

Really, could have been higher... but yes, still an excellent show. I just hope they could have had more episodes to really wrap everything up nicely and maybe throw us one final, absolutely ground-breaking twist.

- Watch it or neh?

Yes, please do watch it! And let me know how it goes, too. ;3

[prettywordsyouleft]

Hidden Confessions

Summary: you had once written a letter confessing your desire to be more than just friends with Jackson Wang. However, you never gave it to him. You never planned on him ever seeing it since you believed it was only a one-sided crush all these years on still. Perhaps though, you were wrong.  

Pairing: Jackson Wang x reader

Genre: friends to lovers au 

Warnings: none

A/N: thank you for the request, @itsallabigmess! I had so much fun writing this for you… Jackson isn’t a member of GOT7 I’ve really explored much about, but whenever I do, it is so much fun! I hope you enjoyed this story. And no, this wasn’t inspired by the movie, To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before, despite having some minor similarities in the beginning that I didn’t realise I had written, haha.

Word count: 3221

You stopped when you found the small box at the back of your wardrobe, smiling softly as you pulled it out. It held all your special trinkets from over the years and although you were clearing out your room in preparation to move away to university, you stopped to sit down on your bed, thumbing through the concert stubs, wristbands from events, and some awards you had received. You continued to travel through memory lane until you reached the letter that you knew resided at the bottom. Opening it up, you were transported back three years ago when you had avidly penned the love confession to your closest friend, Jackson. You had poured your heart out into this letter, writing down from when you had first met him as young children, to your first kiss you shared in a truth or dare game with friends, and then finally about how over the previous year you had started having feelings towards him. At fifteen, you had been pretty in touch with your emotions and it showed in the words you had written down.

“And so I wondered if could ever be a chance that you would see me as more than a friend as well? I hope you will one day. Love, Me,” you read out the last line before collapsing back on your bed and giggling. You couldn’t help but adore this letter, even though you never gave it to Jackson. The reason why soon made you sigh heavily, knowing you had precariously carried this note around in your school bag for three weeks until you had enough courage to give it to him.

And then he told you over lunch that he was seeing Stacy from cheer club. It had crushed you completely and you had more than once attempted to destroy the letter. But you couldn’t. The emotions were too honest and you admired your past self for being brave to write them down. Placing it back on top of your belongings in the box, you picked it up and placed it back into the wardrobe.

You couldn’t let everything from your life so far be cleared away just yet. Closing the door to your almost empty wardrobe, you turned to pack up the things you needed to take with you into the next chapter in your life.

Of course, even though you had written him a letter that you failed to give him, Jackson was still your secret crush. You hadn’t been able to stop loving him over the years, and there had been instances where you had hoped to have another chance to confess. When he broke up with Stacy, you were ecstatic. Until Laura came along from Class President elections, not only beating him in the race but capturing him in a whirlwind of a love affair along the way. There wasn’t a rhyme or reason to who Jackson liked; he genuinely didn’t have a preference.

Except, just not you.

Maybe you had been too good of a friend for him to risk it with. At least, that’s what you liked to tell yourself whenever you saw him on campus laughing with the girls that followed him around. As an athlete and musician, Jackson attracted a lot of attention. Despite still being down to earth most of the time, you knew he liked it. You weren’t so fond of the limelight, but he thrived in it and you could happily watch him from the sidelines.

Jackson didn’t really like that though, often dragging you into everything he did. Even if your lifestyles and degrees were polar opposites. It was always you who he spent the most time with too.

“Hey Princess, how’s today been?”

You rolled your eyes as he sat down in the spare chair next to you in a library study room. “Will you ever drop that horrid nickname? We’re not eight anymore. I’m definitely not up in your treehouse calling out to be rescued by a knight from the bad dragon below either.”

“You do look like you could do with being rescued from all these books,” Jackson mentioned with a light-hearted chuckle, scrunching his nose up at the textbooks surrounding you. “Let’s go get lunch.”

“Can’t, some of us have to study for mid-terms unlike you.”

“I’m offended Princess, you never turn down hanging out with me. Besides…” He slung his arm around your shoulders and leaned in close. “I did save you from the big bad dragon. Can’t you come and make sure your knight is well fed?”

“Honestly,” you said dryly though inwardly your heart was racing and you couldn’t help the smile that crossed your lips.

He didn’t ever choose you, but you knew you would him every time.

Just because you loved Jackson, didn’t make you ignore social norms either. You actually tried to find someone better to be your knight as Jackson always liked to refer to himself as. You were no damsel in distress and by your second year in your degree, you had actually dated a couple of times. It was important to you to experience all you could, both education wise and socially too. You knew you’d never get these years back and spending them only buried in a book would be wasteful.

The men you dated were generally quiet like yourself, with sensible goals ahead and not nearly as ambitious as Jackson was. You liked the change but even you had to admit it didn’t really excite you. So, when you caught the attention of one of Jackson’s teammates, Adam, you were kind of surprised. You didn’t normally attract men like him, but you agreed to go on the date all the same, feeling empowered as you got ready.

“Is it true?” Jackson asked as he stepped into your room of the apartment you shared with him, folding his arms across his chest as you put on your makeup. You looked at him through the mirrored reflection and nodded. “You and Adam, really? You know you can’t trust an athlete right?”

“Duly noted. I can’t trust you to put out the trash like I asked you to, so you’re right. Still, I’m going.”

“And you’re wearing that?” he continued, stepping over to you and looking you up and down, scrutinising your dress choice. You smiled to yourself and went back to applying your makeup. “Don’t look so good. If you look this amazing on the first date, he’ll expect too much from you.”

“Thank you for saying I look amazing.”

“Yeah, well…” Jackson rubbed at his neck awkwardly, avoiding your gaze when a slight blush rose on his cheeks. “You don’t normally go to so much effort. Which, you really shouldn’t. It’s only going to excite him more.”

“And what’s so wrong about that, we’re both grown adults, Jackson.”

“Right.” He looked away and you stood up, a small part of you wishing it was him taking you out to dinner tonight. You placed your hands on his shoulders and Jackson visibly flinched, blinking at how close you were. You stretched up to peck his cheek before going to grab your bag.

“Don’t wait up for me.”

“As if.”

“And,” you started, smiling a little more genuinely. “Maybe I need someone like him. I’m pretty awesome, you know.”

“You’re more than awesome and that’s why I don’t want you to go.”

It took you a few dates to figure out why Jackson had been so adamant about Adam, and discovering that he had three other girls from different departments he was stringing along kind of stung. Jackson had found you on the sofa later that night after the revelation, his expression softening at seeing you eating a tub of ice-cream and watching The Notebook alone. He knew that was your go-to movie whenever you wanted to sob like a baby over true love.

“You know, they should have gotten really sick after all that confessing out in the rain,” he mentioned gently as he sat down, taking the tub out of your hand and placing it down on the coffee table. Jackson then pulled you into his arms, stroking your back. “You okay?”

“Maybe I thought I was too amazing after all.”

“You are amazing. You’re the most amazing person I know.”

“You have to say that, I’m your best friend,” you chided and Jackson clucked his tongue disapprovingly at you immediately. You smiled and glanced up at him. “It’s true, you have to like me, I’m the longest friend you’ve had.”

“But I’m honest too; you wouldn’t be my friend if I didn’t love you, Y/N.”

It hurt to hear him say that, considering how deep down you harboured a love for him that was not made entirely out of your friendship. Sure, you loved him as a friend, but there was so much more to that love too. It made you sigh heavily, more humiliated by the fact that you kept trying to find the connection like the characters on the screen had when you knew you couldn’t commit to it without letting go of Jackson first.

“If I lose my memory, you better write me a book about our life story,” Jackson mentioned a moment later and you laughed. He sat up and frowned. “I’m not joking. You have to make sure I remember you every day. Forgetting you would be the worst thing to happen to me.”

Some days, you wished you could forget Jackson, just so you could move on from loving him so much.

Graduation loomed and you both had found jobs to move into after your student years were over. It seemed fitting that you were both travelling back to your hometown for a high school reunion before the school was closed down from the premises it had been on since it first opened. Wrapping up from the old times, along with your current student life would leave nothing but the fresh opportunity of your careers ahead.

You were rather excited to go back and see the building where you had discovered so many things – your love for literature, painting, and had fallen in love with your best friend.

“Hopefully Mark won’t be here,” Jackson muttered and you glanced at him as he pulled the car into the parking lot, driving slowly down the aisle to find an empty space. “He knows too much.”

“He’s probably forgotten all about whatever it is,” you encouraged, though you couldn’t help but be intrigued either. “And if he hasn’t, I know who I want to talk to first.”

“Don’t you dare!” he cried immaturely, parking the car and shooting you a disgruntled look. “I have plenty I could dish out to all our friends about Y/N the college student too, you know.”

Just remembering the freshman orientation week made you shudder and zip your mouth firmly shut.

“Oh my god, its Jackson Wang and Y/N!” someone cried as you entered the hall and you smiled warmly as you saw Mimi Chambers approach you both excitedly. The night wore on in a similar fashion, meeting with old friends, hearing how their lives were turning out and sadly, not hearing what juicy gossip Mark Tuan had on Jackson despite your endeavours.

“He hasn’t told you yet?” Mark asked, confused and glanced at his girlfriend Namra, who merely smiled back at him. “Didn’t you both come together?”

“Oh, well we room together in the city so it was easy to travel that way, but we’re not together together.”

Namra grinned. “But still together in a sense.”

The conversation only left you with more questions, which you tried to make sense of on the way back to your family home. Your parents were out visiting your relatives for the weekend and had asked you both to look after the house until they were back on Sunday. “And then Namra mentioned we had still come together. Isn’t that odd?”

“Mm, pretty odd,” Jackson said too easily, clearing his throat as he drove up to the garage of your house. “And this place never changes.”

You grinned, looking up at your family home and feeling a sense of belonging. Opening the door, you reached into the back for your overnight bag and then headed for the door. Of course, it wasn’t your first time coming home since starting school, but you always enjoyed the experience of walking through the front door like you had every day before. Your mother had left you a small care package on the kitchen countertop and Jackson dove for her homemade muffins.

“Ugh, so good,” he managed through his mouthful and you rolled your eyes.

“I’m going to take a shower, you cool to just chill until then?”

Jackson nodded, picking up the whole tray of muffins. “Your mother’s baking and I have some reacquainting to do.”

“Just please don’t be sick,” you murmured, shaking your head as you went upstairs to the bathroom. Just as you got out of your clothes, you remembered your bedroom’s heating source and groaned. Sticking your head out of the door you called out for Jackson. He appeared at the foot of the stairs, plate still in hand. “Can you go into my room and grab out the heater? It’s in my wardrobe. You know how icy my room can get since the heating doesn’t make it in there. I want to sleep in a toasty room tonight.”

“Sure thing.”

As you showered, you continued to think about Mark and Namra’s words. What had they meant about you being together? You and Jackson had literally been joined at the hip since you were six. You went to all the same schools and even with different degrees, you had both ended up at the same university. Besides, living together meant you literally had the most obvious reason to turn up together. But it still bothered you, and as you dried yourself and dressed in your pyjamas, you contemplated the word together in a different meaning. You tried to rein in your thoughts as you crossed the landing over to your bedroom, shaking your head softly as you imagined it in the way you had always wanted together to mean for you and Jackson.

“Oh, I uh…” Jackson startled, and you blinked out of your thoughts to find a very familiar box and its contents half sprawled across the bed, a specific letter within his grasp. You gasped, wishing simultaneously that you had destroyed the love confession years back and that the ground would open up and swallow you whole.

“How much did you read of it?” you asked quietly, unable to look at your best friend as your cheeks flamed with embarrassment. “It’s an old letter, don’t buy into it.”

“Really?” he asked quieter than usual and you could hear the disappointment in his tone. “You don’t feel like this anymore about me?”

“Well, I-”

“I had no idea you loved me like this, Y/N.”

“Considering I never gave you the letter, I didn’t expect you to know.” You turned away from him and sighed. “Like ever know.”

“Why didn’t you tell me or give this to me? You clearly had thought this out well,” Jackson said, getting up from his spot on your bed and approaching you. Despite not looking up, you could see the letter in his grasp and tried to reach for it. He moved it away. “Why didn’t you give me this?”

“Because on the day I was going to you told me you were dating Stacy from the cheer club.”

“So why didn’t you give it to me after we broke up?”

“I don’t know, maybe I felt like you’d reject it anyway. Does it matter? It’s a letter from years ago.”

“I wouldn’t have rejected you though,” he said simply and you finally glanced at your best friend, overwhelmed by the emotions on his face. He appeared vulnerable despite how strongly he stared back at you. “I would have been really relieved to have received this letter.”

“What?”

“I liked you as a teen too,” he admitted, chewing his lip a little. “Okay, so I liked you a lot. But you just seemed so perfect and you liked these guys in the books you obsessed over and not one of them was like me. I wasn’t the smartest guy in class or the best looking, and none of them was into sports like me and so I just thought I stood no chance.”

You stared at Jackson intently, deciphering if this was a parallel universe or real life.

“So I dated those girls because I hoped I would forget about you. But I broke it off with all of them since they weren’t as funny or as smart or beautiful as you are.”

“You liked me?”

“That’s why I was trying to keep you away from Mark. He told me if I didn’t tell you that I still love you during university that he would tell you himself because I was too gutless to admit it. I’m amazed he didn’t actually tell you tonight.”

“Wait,” you said, holding up your hand to collect your thoughts. “Liked or love, Jackson?”

“Hm?”

“You said you liked me a lot, and now you’re saying you love me. I want clarification.”

He seemed uneasy for a moment, before stepping closer to you and shaking the letter in his grip a little. “Is this true?”

“I asked you first.”

“I liked you before university and now I love you.” He took a shaky breath before continuing. “Now it’s your turn. Is this letter outdated?”

You stared at your best friend before you smiled, reaching up to press your lips against his. Jackson grabbed you to balance you both, your own arms winding around his neck as the kiss deepened. You both moved across the room blindly, settling down on your bed before you finally separated, breathing heavily from the kiss.

“I guess that answers things,” Jackson mused and you grinned, nodding happily. “You really have loved me all this time?”

“And you didn’t friend-zone me like I always thought?”

Jackson chuckled and kissed the letter he somehow still held in his hand. You whined that it wasn’t on your lips instead. “I’m so glad I saw the box and had ample time to look through it tonight. I was always curious about what was in here.”

“You were?”

He nodded, leaning in close to you again. “But now I don’t have to worry. Because the Princess found her Knight again.”

“Oh my god,” you groaned, still grinning away. “You and those nicknames.”

“I didn’t realise a letter would rescue us both from not confessing though,” he admitted with a frown and you laughed, crossing the space between you and kissing your best friend avidly again.

When you pulled away, you cupped Jackson’s face in your hands and smiled. “You did tell me you wanted me to write out our lives together in case you ever forgot me.”

“And will you?” he asked, pulling you into his arms.

“Of course. I’ll make sure the emotions that you read in that letter continue through every chapter we have ahead of us too.”

“Just as friends?” he teased and you shoved Jackson lightly before kissing him again.

“As the Princess who loves her Knight in shining armour.”

_________________

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[sprydecreates]

ferry lookout

requested: nope

warnings: mentions of drinking, language

pairings: calum hood x reader

type: fluff w an angst scene ; headcanon/list ; 3.4k+ words ; gender neutral

summary: you and college!calum finally thought you had found something with each other. too bad there was a miscommunication. or is it?

a/n: i originally intended for this to be a valentine’s day thing, but it never felt right for it. so i spruced it up, and i think it finally feels decent.

i’ve been off my writing game for a bit, so i’m sorry if it feels different halfway through (this is due to being off me game and also changing the idea completely). hope you like it either way! i think it’s sweet.

it was a kind of restless night, and you and calum were having a drive to a lookout.

everyone had things to do, except cal.

ash had a night at the club

mike and luke were studying for an exam they both had the following day

so, cal texted you and asked if you wanted to hang out.

you and calum exchanged numbers the semester before

you sat together for economics, and contacted each other for homework help usually

since it was during spring semester, you both went your separate ways for summer, and didn’t really contact each other

there were the occasional likes on instagram, and texts of memes about how awful the professor was, but nothing else

pretty much an excuse for you two to still talk

you both thought the other was cute, but you didn’t know how to come forward with it. as, you could see, all you two talked about was class, and memes relating to the class

when classes started again, you got a text from calum asking what you were taking

you didn’t have any of the same classes, as your majors were polar opposites

but, he did wish you a good year, and said if you needed any help with your math course, he’d be glad to help

you two spoke every other day, but nothing huge

the lookout was popular with locals, but you hadn’t ever went up there, or heard of it rather, so calum insisted that was where you two would go.

initially, you were just going to grab some late night snacks and head back to his apartment

but on the way, you passed the lookout.

“where’s that little road go?”

“what do you mean where does it go?”

“uh, like, is there a house up there?”

calum pointed to the lookout sign, “are you talking about that one? with the huge ass sign saying ‘ferry lookout’?”

“so, it leads to a lookout?”

“...have you never been?”

“no..? is it big or something?”

calum gives you a playful side eye, then focuses on the road again, “i’ve been up there so many times i can’t count. i can’t believe you’ve never heard of this place. this calls for a change of plans, we’re going up there.”

so, after grabbing your respective late night favorites, you and calum headed towards the lookout.

on the drive, you took this opportunity to ask calum how long he has lived here

“uhh, like. five years, maybe?” calum answered while turning into the road to the lookout.

“ah, i see. so you’re from australia, right?”

“yup. accent give it away?”

“yeah, i mean i noticed you say your i’s like ‘oi’. like you pronounce your friend michael’s name as ‘moie-kol’. but i noticed on instagram that that’s where you went for summer, and you have sydney as your hometown.”

“oh, yeah. i always go back home for the summer to see my family.”

“wait so you’re out here on your own?”

the car neared the parking spaces for the overlook, and calum parked the car in the middle of the lot before continuing his story, “yup. i, well, me and my friends, moved here when we were younger for our band. i was about seventeen at the time.” calum reached into the 7-eleven bag and popped open his bag of pretzels, “we moved here because our first album went kinda big, at least on social media. so we made the choice to pack up, and see what america had for us. we got here, got too cocky, and it all went to shit. had to go back home for a little, live with my parents, save enough money, and then came back.”

“well?” you had already gotten your snack ready, munching from time to time while calum spoke.

“you want the full story?” he glanced over to you, chuckling a bit after seeing you scrunched up in the passenger seat, eager to hear his story for once.

“hell yeah! i wanna know what happened to this band of yours. pleeeeease?”

he quickly swallowed the pretzel he was chewing, and took a gulp of his slurpee, “okay okay, fine. we’re called bromance, by the way. but after we came back, we were still together, just not so hard. like, instead of us making music for fame, we made it because we wanted to. like we sat back in straya talking about what we needed to do, cause we went from thinking we’d hit it big, to having to ask our parents for money for a plane ticket back home. we already had two year leases on two apartments, and we couldn’t exactly break them, so we worked until we had enough money to cover a few months rent on our own, and then we came back. got more jobs, and stabled ourselves.”

you nodded, and closed your jaw which had been slacking with admiration, “is that why you went to college here too?”

he nodded back to you, “mhm. that’s why i’m twenty-two and in second year classes still - i could only afford to take like three courses per semester, if that.”

you held up a hand and shook your head, tilting it downward while doing so, “no judging here, i’m only here because i won a scholarship. i’d be back in my hometown in the local community college if it wasn’t for it, honestly.”

calum raised an eyebrow, “damn, you got a scholarship?”

“yeah, i wrote an essay about my life struggles, and they gave it to me.” you shrugged, and then realized how ungrateful you sounded, “don’t get me wrong, i’m grateful for it, i just don’t see how i got in with it.”

calum pushed and stretched out his bottom lip in both agreement and confusion before he spoke, “well, it must’ve been good if you got in.”

“eh, whatever. tell me more about you, though. i wanna know about your family, and this little bird named ‘mali’ you have tattooed on you.”

for the next hour or so, you and calum explored each others past, and present. the conversation kind of went dry when it came back to this lookout, as you two pretty much knew everything about it that you needed to.

calum was staring out at the vast lights carrying the city to sleep, and he spoke softly to keep the mood, “i still can’t believe you’ve been here for two years and you haven’t been up here. it’s like, the most romantic spot i know.”

you scoffed, raising your hand and shooing off his last comment, “bold of you to assume anyone has asked me on a date since i got here.”

he scrunched the left side of his lip up while looking over to you, “you’re kidding.”

“well, halfway,” you began, lightly speaking with your hands, “i’ve been asked out, but it’s only to fuck.”

calum turns his head back to the view, “i can see that. i never got that bit; i love going on dates, and hanging out and stuff. i don’t know why it’s been looked at as a joke from 2017 on.”

“right?!” you snap your head to calum, “it’s like, what the fuck ever happened to just chilling with a person for a couple of weeks or something and getting to know them that way instead of playing an over-sexualized game of twenty-one questions?”

calum widened his eyes, pointing his index finger at you while you spoke, “honestly!” you two exchanged feelings about current relationships standards and past relationship complications, until it got kind of serious on calum’s ends: “that’s why i don’t really believe in love. cause like, i always try to be a nice guy, like an actually nice one and not a ‘m’lady’ neckbeard thing, but i always get fucked over. and i try, but it’s like, why even attempt if you know something will never come to you?”

you sighed, nodding along with what he was saying, “i get that. but at the same time, you gotta look at the world around you. there’s what, nine or ten billion people in the world that you haven’t met?”

“yeah, but it’s like, if i were meant to fall in love, shouldn’t i have already found a trace of something real?”

you raised your eyebrows, gaining a stern but gentle tone with him, “calum you can’t base love off of what you got when you were seventeen and in your first real relationship. we were kids, and we’re bound to break ‘love’, no matter what age we are. people fall in love at forty, some at twenty - some with their hometown best friend, some with a person halfway across the world. love isn’t dead because it didn’t happen to you like it did in the movies. wouldn’t you rather have something real as to something scripted?”

and with that, calum mentally took note, and decided maybe he’d give love a chance again.

but, that was roughly four and a half months ago.

it was now the end of april, and you and calum had gotten closer than ever.

after the night drive and you both got home safely, he texted you and said, “Thanks for a fun night. It’s cliche as hell, but I think you’ve opened my eyes a bit. Hope to hang soon.”

of course, you two hung out two days after. and two days after that. and after that, and so on.

it was really cute though

lots of sweet banter

couple of deep conversations at each others apartments at two in the morning

which would turn into sleep overs after you two talked more

comments on instagram that were kinda flirty, but still open-ended

any lovey dovey stuff, really

your notes on calum:

really, really good guy. god tier guy.

very romantic, but not a huge fan of pda

humble

insecure but passes it off as humor and refuses to take a compliment or believe someone might like him

offers you hoodies when it’s upwards of seventy-five degrees inside

has made you several home cooked meals

doesn’t shame you or put you down if you’re having bad mental health days and need space

says your name reeeeaaaalllly giggly if he’s feeling soft

knows stan language and actually made a stan account for his own band to secretly interact with fans because you told him about an au where that happens

he of course didn’t tell you to make a stan account for him so you can recreate said au

brought you back a surfboard key chain with your name on it from his trip to australia for christmas

you’re in love with him

calum’s notes on you:

realistic

pushy in the right ways

honest, but sometimes in a backhanded compliment type of way

fashion forward, has given him a couple of new styles to work with

encourages him to try new things and to fully be himself

plays with his hair in order for him to fall asleep

leads to cuddling because he had his arm around your waist and head on your upper torso

gives him confidence to try out ‘feminine’ things (painted nails, (heart stud) earrings, etc)

up to talk about his problems with him

gets along with his friends, and doesn’t act weird because they went viral a couple of times

also interacts with fans as though you’re a stan account yourself

stays around to help with homework, even if you don’t know a thing about what he’s doing

comfortable silence is brought up here too

he’s in love with you

spring is of course, the season of budding romance. or, at least it is to you.

you know, flowers blooming, warm sunsets and seeing each other in golden hour, an overwhelming sense of acoustic guitar playing in the background; that sort of thing.

so, you know what that means?

you decide to ask calum out on a date.

yeah, you! you know he likes you, what could go wrong? 

on a friday evening, you got dressed up, and decided to take calum on a fancy dinner date.

you were ready to go at about six, and gave calum a ring.

“hey (y/n)!”

“hey calum,” you were smiling ear to ear at this point, “whatcha up to?”

“eh, nothing too big. what about you?”

“oh, you’re up to something?”

“umm! kinda but not really?”

your smile drooped, and your tone changed, “oh, alright. cool.”

calum was silent for a second before speaking in a concerned, soft tone, “everything alright?”

you were breathing in through your nose to stop the tears brimming, “yeah, not a problem. i’ll leave you to it. see you.”

what the fuck?!!?!!!!!!!!!!/!?!!!!!!!!!e,me39834,m?!?!?!?

calum? going out????

he wasn’t seeing anyone?E>.dW>QDLWE<

oh my god it was that girl commenting on his pictures that he followed back

he played you

oh my GOD he played you and you LET IT HAPPEN. YOU THOUGHT HE WAS THE ONE FOR YOU AND HE SAT AND SWEET TALKED YOU INTO BELIEVING HE LIKED YOU TOO AND PROBABLY GOT MAD BECAUSE YOU DIDN’T LET HIM HIT IT YET

YOU KNEW WHEN HE SAID HE WASN’T A M’LADY HEADASS THAT HE WAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

coincidentally, your best friend, (y/f/n) called:

“hello?”

“hey! whats up?”

since you and calum were never an official ‘thing’ (even though you told your friends you thought something would happen), you decided to keep it calm, “not a thing, why?”

“wanna come help me get ready? i’m going to the club an-”

“sure, be over in ten.”

(y/f/n) seemed a bit off, but you didn’t really pay attention. you were just trying to get wasted, and throw away the feelings you thought were finally, fine.

this being said, you two jetted to the club.

“hey, (y/n)?” (y/f/n) asked, turning their head to face you.

you turned your head to (y/f/n) while you waited in line to get into the building, “what?”

“is everything, like, good?”

you turned away from them, nodding once, “i’m gonna make it be.”

about an hour and a half after you both got into the club, you received a text from calum.

“You busy?”

left on read

“If u sent something, I never got it”

left on read

“Is everything okay?”

left on read

“Dude what’s going on?”

you rolled your eyes, and angrily slid your phone onto the table in front of you, grabbing what’s left of your second drink and taking a swig. (y/f/n) watched and started to question.

“what’s up?”

you finally broke, “calum.”

(y/f/n) rose an eyebrow, “what about him?”

you sighed, “i finally thought we were gonna be something. i thought he liked me, but right when i got up the courage to ask him out, he told me he had something planned.”

(y/f/n)’s eyes widened, and they started to stutter, “he uh, he said he had something, planned? when? like right now?”

you nodded while you spoke, “yeah,” your hand flew from the crossed position it was in and pointed to your upside down phone, “right before you called, he told me he had something to do.”

“what do you think he’s doing?”

“no clue. he usually tells me he’s going out with his band mates, cause he had to call me one night to help him get one of ‘em home. so he’s always told me to keep me on standby. this time, he seemed really giddy, and like nervous.” you sat quiet for a few seconds, debating on whether or not to stop yourself from tearing up again, “so i’m guessing he found someone and didn’t wanna tell me.”

(y/f/n) picked up their phone halfway through you speaking, probably to look people up to mark out suspected people for later, “i dunno (y/n), i think you’re over thinking a bit.”

you gave (y/f/n) a defeated sigh, shrugging afterwards, “i don’t know. i mean i hope not, but i’m not gonna hold my breath.”

after a few minutes of tense silence, (y/f/n) suggests you two leave, and head back to your apartment to talk.

on the way back, you got to complain about how you thought calum was made for you.

(y/f/n) did keep smiling weirdly. were they the one calum was seeing?   

thoughts came to a standstill, though.

why?

calum’s car was in the parking lot.

or at least it looked like it. you didn’t have his tag memorized, obviously.

(y/f/n) parked, and finally turned to you with a not really well hidden smile, “sorry you thought something was up.”

you had your eyebrows furrowed, “what?”

all they said was, “have fun,” and ushered you out of their car.

you, although confused, walked up to the front door and started towards your room.

when you unlocked your door, you heard a soft guitar playing from what sounded like your living room.

you tiptoed into the dimly lit room, and turned the light switch on. there sat calum, a yellow tinted acoustic guitar sat on his thigh as he strummed it, and started to sing the good side by troye sivan.

it was one of those songs you told calum about, and how it reminded you of him.

not in a ‘we broke up and one of us felt worse than the other’ way, but more or less, ‘we’ll meet in the spring’, as you two did come back to each other during that season; ‘traveled the universe twice’, where he came from australia and stayed by fate; ‘i got the good side’, as you found growth and goodness through each other in hard times. so, in a ‘i love you, and the universe wanted us together’ way.

throughout the song, you had found yourself sat in front of calum, your heart beating as though you had just ran a marathon, and it only sped up as the song ended.

you sat with your palms pressed against the insides of your calves, staring at calum as he let a wide smile settle on his face. he spoke while he sat his guitar on the table in front of the couch where you both sat, “sorry about lying.”

you finally found the strength to whisper, “about?”

he had positioned himself closer to you, now looking into your eyes, “being busy. i mean, i was kinda busy, setting this place up and all.”

you took the opportunity to look around for once, seeing that he had picked up a bundle of your favorite flowers, and scattered them around the room. he had a couple of candles lit that you had smelled since you walked in. and you didn’t know if he meant to, but he was wearing the shirt he wore when you two went to the overlook for the first time.

after taking it all in, you turned back to him, “you did this, all, for me?”

he nodded, giggling a little at your surprise, “mhm. you look beautiful, by the way.”

“wait, did you know?”

“know what?”

“that i liked you?”

“wait, you?” he cocked his head to the side, trying to form a sentence.

“yeah? i was going to take you out to dinner tonight, and like when you said you were busy, that’s why i got so distant, cause i you know thought you were entertaining someone and i got jealous-”

you were cut off by calum cupping your cheeks, “i’m so sorry, i didn’t think to word it differently i just thought you were having like, a night or something and got annoyed not because you thought i liked someone else.”

your palms found their way to calum’s cheeks as well, “no it’s nothing now, i just got freaked out and overreacted without giving you a chance. i’m sorry too.” calum had started to rub his thumbs against your cheekbones, and it threw off your thought process a bit.

this was all you wanted. this, is all you wanted, and it’s right here in front of you; rambling, and shaking, and loving.

“please.” you shook out of your realization, and asked him to repeat himself, “kiss me, please. i’ll pay you if need be.”

to say the least, he paid you in rent money when he moved in five months later, in tickets used to meet his and your family, in presents exchanged during holidays, in a down payment on a house, in baby clothes for your four dogs, and obviously, in all the love he had ever given / had for anyone he had ever met: you. his soulmate that he fell in love with due to an unplanned first date.

[aseriesofunfortunatetexts]

All right, so I was trying to write a short little Esmé/Georgina/Olaf snippet for @countolafnph, and somehow it ended up being 2700 words long. I hate it, and my life, I’m basically just waiting for the sweet embrace of death over here, but until that happens, how about I let all of you watch my descend into poorly structured fic hell too? Oh, there are smutty parts btw. Surrounded by way too much blabbering, but they’re there.

She honestly doesn’t even notice that Olaf has stopped trying to be part of their conversation before it is pointed out to her so rudely by Olaf himself.

In Georgina’s defense, Esmé is one of the most fascinating people she has met in her entire life. She has always had a very hard time explaining this to other Volunteers back when they used to meet up to discuss work and consumed a bit too much alcohol, back before the Schism finally broke them apart for good, because those boring, narrow-minded idiots would look at Esmé’s most distinctive personality traits – namely her obsession with beauty, fashion, glamour, and what’s “in”, as well as her perfect disregard of any person who isn’t herself – and see them as proof of what a rotten human being she is. Meanwhile in Georgina’s world, these things are what she admires most about her on-off-maybe-sometimes-lover. She can listen to Esmé drawl on for hours about recent developments in fashion, changes in the restaurant scene, which clubs are hot and which ones you should never go to unless you want to be ostracized from polite society, simply because she enjoys how passionately Esmé feels about it all. Georgina has always been drawn to passionate people, and while it has gotten her into trouble in the past, she hasn’t been able to bring herself to quit this particular habit just yet.

In turn, it’s obvious that Esmé appreciates finally having a proper audience for once. Her pathetic excuse of a husband isn’t interested in these things at all, and while his cowardice and fear of conflict leads him to make constant attempts to pretend like he cares to gain Esmé favor, it’s obvious to everyone involved that he doesn’t actually care. Olaf can fake interest quite convincingly for a short amount of time, especially if the conversation revolves around what a delightfully cruel person Esmé is, but he will start getting too bored to keep up the act within an hour. Or he will realize that he won’t be awarded for his obvious sacrifice with sex, and you can see it very clearly on his face when he does.

Georgina on the other hand doesn’t have to fake anything, she loves every second they spend together, no matter what intrinsically pointless things Esmé wants them to do. Once in a while, when she plays her cards right, Esmé will take her out shopping during her visit, and that is the experience of a lifetime. Esmé clearly admires Georgina’s personal style, because rather than simply trying to force her into things that are in at the time, like she does with literally everyone else, she will try to find ways to combine the two. Like when Orientalism was suddenly in for two weeks and all the women in polite society had to wear saris, the brighter the better. Esmé bought her a dress in dark blue silk instead, in the professional cut Georgina prefers, covered in the most beautiful embroidery, elaborate flowers made of silver thread and tiny sapphires, all of them glinting like stars when she moved. They went to a party uptown later in the evening, probably hosted by someone important, but all Georgina remembers from it is that Esmé never took her eyes off her all through dinner, and as soon as the plates were cleared she dragged Georgina into the bathroom without a word, accidentally tearing open a seam in the dress when she tried to rip it off her too quickly. Neither of them cared.

They brought Olaf along for one of these shopping trips once, and it was well worth the energy it took to convince him to come. They managed to buy two nice suits for him before they accidentally got too close to the women’s section, and after that it was all dresses and lingerie for the next six hours. What should have been a brief weekend visit ended up with them staying in the penthouse for a week, just so they could fully appreciate every purchase – a phrase that here means treat Olaf like a dress up doll all day long, fuck in all of the seventy-one bedrooms at their disposal, as well as most of the living rooms, dining rooms, sitting rooms, standing rooms, etc. only pausing on occasion to eat and discuss who is the most pathetic loser, Jerome or Lemony Snicket, and then moving on to whatever dress and/or room came next.

Olaf had looked particularly gorgeous splayed out on the polar bear skin rug in front of the fireplace in the southwest corner library, wearing ridiculously expensive lingerie in deep, blood-red colored lace, with a matching garter belt to keep up a pair of sheer stockings, the crisp white fur beneath him a stark contrast to the black wig he favored that week, his make-up perfectly applied, And even though Georgina and Esmé did nothing but look at him for a very long time, he didn’t mind at all, he just basked in their undivided attention. When Esmé told him that they wouldn’t be touching him, that he would touch himself based on their instructions instead, he didn’t voice a single complaint, in fact he practically purred at the idea. He was so well-behaved that night, doing anything they asked, never reaching down to touch his cock before they told him to, even as the front of his pretty panties became more and more soaked with pre-come the longer the torture continued. By the time they finally decided to take pity on him, all it took to break him was a simply question: “Would you like to come, Olaf?”

The noise he made was so beautiful, a whimper so high-strung that even Esmé couldn’t deny him when he finally managed to whisper, “Yes.”

Esmé had gotten to her feet and slowly walked over to his tense, sweat-soaked form, bending down low enough to see that his mascara had started running, and he had ruined his carefully applied lipstick by biting his lips. She reached for his face, dragging her sharp fingernails down his cheek, then along his jawline, smirking when he sighed at the touch. “You know the magic word.”

Olaf’s eyes, previously unfocused and clouded with lust, had cleared immediately, and for a moment all he did was stare at Esmé in silence. They never really know how he will react to such a bold demand, whether it will be met with defiance or not. That time it was met with surrender, unconditional surrender. “Please,” would no doubt have sufficed, but he went on to actually beg afterwards. Esmé rewarded his decision by kneeling down next to him on the rug, tracing her fingers in nonsensical patterns down his heaving chest while Olaf pushed his hand down the front of his panties and finally grabbed his cock, moaning so loud that if Jerome was somewhere in the penthouse at the time, and he probably was, he would definitely have heard.

As high strung as he was, Olaf hadn’t lasted long after that. When Esmé caught one his nipples between her fingertips, pinched it hard, and called him “our pretty little slut”, it was all over, and Olaf came with a roar, arching his back off the rug. Some of his come landed on Esmé hand, and for a second he looked terrified when he noticed. But Esmé simply held the hand out towards him, and as he licked it clean, Georgina could see the color of his cheeks deepening, even though they were still flushed from his orgasm, and she mentally added another entry on her long list of Kinky Shit Olaf Likes.

… But she digresses.

Esmé is making them another round of drinks at the bar (this week’s hottest cocktail: The Mamarita. It has wine in it, so Olaf approves), happily listing all the places she would have taken them this evening, if it weren’t for the fact that all of them were 'out' by lunch. Georgina stands by the windows, enjoying the gorgeous view as she listens, only to be startled by Olaf suddenly sliding up to her. He steps right into her personal space, forcing her to crane her neck back to look him in the eye. The decidedly irritated – and therefor very unattractive - look on Olaf’s face does very little to convince Georgina that she ought to shift her attention from a woman as beautiful and alluring as Esmé to a petty man-child like him. But it does make her realize that it’s been a while since Olaf spoke, or maybe it’s just been a while since she cared to listen. In any case, the lack of attention they’ve paid him has obviously become too much to bear. Still, he doesn’t say anything, he just glares at her, so Georgina decides to forego words as well, tilting her head a bit and smirking instead of actually asking ‘what do you want now?’

For a while nothing happens. Then, with a gracefulness that you wouldn’t expect a man Olaf’s age to be capable of, he carefully drops to his knees in front of her. Oh, the look on his face is still angry, bitchy even, endless defiant despite the position he just put himself in. Georgina almost laughs at him. Olaf really brings a whole new meaning to the term ‘attention whore’, although she supposes she shouldn’t feel too above it all in this situation, because his ruse is going to work; she can’t say no to him when he gets on his knees, no matter how obvious it is that he’s only doing it because he can’t think of another way to get her attention. Does it count as being manipulated when you realize that it’s happening and allow yourself to be pulled along anyway?

Esmé is still talking, oblivious to what is going on behind her back. Georgina tries to keep listening, but then Olaf puts his hands on her ankles, slowly gliding his long fingers upwards along her calves with enough pressure that she can feel the touch clearly through the boots she’s wearing, never breaking eye contact with her at any point. When he reaches the upper edges of the boots he lightens the pressure, running his fingertips teasingly along the bare skin just above them while Georgina tries her best to keep her breathing steady, before finally curling his fingers around the back of both her knees and resting them there, his thumbs pressed against the sides of her kneecaps. If he had been holding on tighter one might have been tempted to accuse him of clinging to her knees, but like this it’s somewhere between playful and reverent. The effect his touch is having on her – damn him for knowing her this well – must be clear, because his scowl is fading, quickly replaced with growing smugness. Obviously he decides to push his luck then, releasing her knees with a leer and trying to slide his fingers up the back of her thighs and under her skirt.

Georgina punishes that startling display of insolence in the same way she always does, by delivering sharp blow with the end of her cane to the part of Olaf’s body that happens to be within closest striking distance. In this case it’s his thigh. He lets out a sharp gasp, his fingers stopping their journey upwards immediately, although he doesn’t let go of her. His eyes are shining brighter than usual, his pupils already growing large with arousal, and when Georgina reaches down to card the fingers of her free hand through his hair, he leans into the touch like a cat seeking attention from its owner. She indulges him for a little while before grabbing a fistful of hair without warning, pulling it sharply to force him to tilt his head back and expose his throat to her. He has a very nice throat, actually, and the noise he makes when you pull his hair is very nice as well, an appealing mixture or pain and delight.

Said noise must have gotten Esmé attention, because she suddenly stops talking, and when Georgina manages to tear her eyes away from Olaf to look at her, she finds that Esmé has turned to face them, finished cocktails held loosely in her hands. The wicked smile she directs at Olaf’s kneeling form makes Georgina’s pulse skip a beat. “Have we been neglecting you, darling?”  

Olaf looks ready to deliver a snarky response, so Georgina gives his hair another hard yank, and the only sound he ends up making is a long hiss. “Don’t ruin it already,” Georgina says. “You were doing so well, keeping your mouth shut.”

For a few seconds Olaf seems to be silently debating how best to proceed from here. He has their undivided attention now, so all that’s left is for him to decide what he wants to do with it. It can’t have been a difficult decision, because moments later he allows all his muscles to relax, dropping his head back and willingly bearing his throat further without Georgina having to pull his hair to make him do it. He lets his hands falls from where they were still resting on Georgina’s things, and instead, very slowly, puts them behind his back. And even in this position, with every aspect of his body language screaming submission, his eyes are still glinting with barely concealed insolence. They will need to work to keep him like this.

Well, Georgina Orwell never shied away from doing some work. She lets go of Olaf’s hair and starts petting it instead, knowing how much he secretly likes that. “Say, Esmé?”

“Yes, darling?”

“Is submission ‘in’ these days?”

Esmé laughs brilliantly. “Submission is always in.”

“Lucky you, huh?” Georgina ask Olaf, dragging her fingernails along his scalp and smiling when he shudders.

Esmé leaves Olaf’s drink at the bar, but she brings one over for Georgina, who immediately accepts it without acknowledging Olaf’s pointed sigh at her decision to stop petting him in favor of alcohol. Like he’s got anything to say in regards to alcohol and priorities. “I’ve been meaning to ask,” Esmé says, reaching down for Georgina’s cane. “Have you ever used this on him?”

Olaf tenses momentarily, but when Esmé starts stroking her beautiful fingers up and down the cane just under the handle - which Georgina has to admit she is clutching a bit hard right now - the sight of her caressing the sleek black wood is obviously arousing enough to him that he soon manages to get a hold of himself and relax once more.

“No,” Georgina answers, unnecessarily.

Esmé giggles this time. “A good old fashioned caning is a beautiful thing.” As if sensing Georgina’s hesitation, she continues. “I’ll go first, show you how it’s done?”

The only immediate reaction that springs into Georgina’s mind is that she wants to kiss this amazing woman, so she does. Esmé’s lips taste like the cocktails they’ve been drinking and her expensive lipstick, and it’s the sweetest thing Georgina has ever tasted. They kiss until Olaf starts shifting his weight from one knee to the other in a clear sign of impatience, at which point Esmé pulls away back from Georgina to glare at him. “The fifth bedroom on the right. There are already ropes attached to the headboard. When we get there you’ll be naked and kneeling on the bed, ready to be tied up. You got that?”

Olaf is just as remarkable graceful when getting up from his knees as he is getting onto them, Georgina notes.

“Do you want to bet on how many strokes he can take before breaking?” Esmé asks once he is out of the room.

Georgina gives her a wry smile. “When was the last time we managed to break him?”

“There’s always a first,” Esmé says. “I’m betting ten.”

Georgina’s lack of experience with this particular kind of physical punishment makes is very hard for her to come up with a good estimate, but she decides to give Olaf more credit than Esmé apparently does; “Fifteen.”

Esmé smirks, taking a sip of her cocktail. “You’re on.”

[the-fangirl-way]

She’s A Little Runaway

I have always said if ever there were a book written about my life, I wanted it to have a surprise twist that keeps everyone on their toes and anticipating till the end, and if there were ever a movie made about my life, I wanted Jennifer Lawrence to play my character.

Only, the only thing they could write about my life is that it hadn't really began up to this point, and J-Law would never be spending New Years Eve wiping down tables in a dusty old pub in the middle of the tiny town of Mullingar, Ireland where I ran away four years ago from two parents who had never, and would never understand me and my dreams; instead catering to a twenty four year old pessimist named Meg who only worried about herself and her life, my older sister.

I ran away from home not really knowing what to expect, I certainly didn't see myself tending a pub every night and living in a small apartment making ends meet while trying to establish a career in music, but here I was.

It was fifteen till midnight, Rockin' New Year's Eve was on tv and I watched as thousands of people huddled together in New York City in freezing temperatures waiting for the ball to drop. They all looked so happy, carefree, excited to see what the next year would bring them; and I couldn't help but wonder the same.

Up to this point, I had written hundreds of songs, made demo tapes, and tried my luck with several record companies who all said the same thing, "we'll give you a call."

I knew, at fifteen years old that I wanted to be a singer, I wanted to be in the lime light, be a star someday, my parents Harrison and Janice couldn't understand that, instead they encouraged me to give up on that dream, go to college, etc. At eighteen years old, fresh out of high school, I made my own destiny and that's how I found myself here, stacking napkins and refilling straws into a dispenser.

The door to the kitchen swung open and out walked my raven haired best friend Ava, her combat boots clomped against the hardwood as she sauntered over to me, hopping up on the bar, something she did frequently although Tony, our boss, told her not to.

"How much did you make tonight?" She asked pulling her tips out of her apron and thumbing through them.

"$36.50." I answered pulling the bills out of my own apron.

"$39.00, slow night." She said stuffing them back into her pocket, blowing the fallen hair out of her face.

Ava Langria was a character within herself. I had met her six months after moving to Ireland, she was working in this very pub and had gotten me the job. She was very different, inky tattoos littered her pale skin, something I had always been fascinated with, but was always too afraid to do. Her nose, lip, and eyebrow all had piercings through them, and she wore heavy makeup most days. Her clothes typically consisted of black, band tees, ripped jeans, today she was wearing a black jean skirt with fishnets and combat boots. She had jet black hair and almond shaped green eyes, she was beautiful and although she and I were vastly different, with my long wavy red hair, blue eyes and freckles. But, we hit it off almost instantly. People would often look at us strange when they saw us out in public.

"Tell me about it." I said looking around the empty bar where not a soul had came in within the past hour.

"It's odd, really, you would think people would be out drinking tonight, what with it being New Year's Eve."

"Yeah, but it's also Sunday." I said leaning my elbows on the bar top and she shrugged.

"I suppose. Got any big plans tonight?" She asked pulling her phone out of her apron and browsing through it.

"Not really, unless you count spending the night with Sam."

She rolled her eyes laughing.

Sam was my overly affectionate chocolate lab who chewed up my shoes on a daily and barked too much, but he was my life and my best friend. I found him when he was an eight week old clumsy puppy tripping over his own paws, he followed me home not a week after I moved here and I spent two weeks trying to find his owner and when no one claimed him, I kept him, that was four years ago, Sam had really gotten me through some tough times.

"Well I'm meeting Lee at the Beaverdale, his band is playing there tonight, you can come if you want to."

Lee Jones was Ava's boyfriend and yet again a polar opposite of herself, he was quiet, reserved, but he was lead guitarist for his band Strega, and they played a show just about every weekend; but Beaverdale was a club on the West side of Mullingar and I wasn't one for the club scene.

"I'm good, I'm actually really tired, I'm probably going to go home and take a hot bath, read some maybe, and then go to bed."

"Lame." She said rolling her eyes and hopping down off the counter.

"Well, if you change your mind let me know before we leave and you can ride with me and we'll come back and get your car."

I nodded and she disappeared back through the door to the kitchen no doubt to the back office to call Lee.

I squated down to find the spray bottle of cleaner to wipe down the bar when I heard the jingle on the front door.

I heard a bar stool slide out and someone take a seat.

"Welcome to Flanagans what can I get you?" I asked standing up and locking eyes with a pair of blue gems that made my breath catch in my throat.

If I had seen that face one time, I had seen it hundreds of times on every billboard in Ireland. I would recognize that tousled brown hair and soft smile anywhere, the golden boy, Mullingars very own Niall Horan.

"Hello." He greeted with a smile and I swear my legs instantaneously turned to jello.

"H-hey, what can I get for you?" I asked, my voice a lot steadier than I felt.

Do not freak out on him, the last thing he needs right now is a screaming fan in his face.

"Guinness draught." He replied and I nodded turning on my heel to grab a mug from the counter behind me, filling it and returning to him.

"Thanks." He said taking the mug and sitting it on top of his coaster, pulling his phone out of his pocket he began scrolling through it.

I stood there awkwardly, not wanting to gawk at him, or make him feel uncomfortable.

I began making myself look busy by wiping things down that really didn't need to be cleaned, I didn't want him to feel like I was hovering.

"It's okay you know." He said behind me and I turned to look at him.

"Excuse me?"

"I mean, it's okay you don't have to make yourself look busy or anything." He reiterated and I nodded.

"I uh, I just didn't want you to feel like I was being some weird creepy fan girl, as I'm sure so many others are." I said laughing a dry awkward laugh.

"No, it's fine, really, you're not being weird at all. Infact, what are you doing working? It's New Year's Eve, I was surprised you guys were still open." He said taking a sip of his beer.

"You and me both, but my boss keeps the doors open just about 365 days a year, with the exception of Christmas of course."

"Of course." He said smiling another soft smile.

"I should ask the same about you, what's Niall Horan doing at a pub at almost midnight on New Year's Eve? Shouldn't you be at like, a celebrity party or something?"

"Ah, you would think that wouldn't you?" He asked and I nodded.

"Well, truthfully I don't know, I was invited to several parties tonight but I just wasn't feeling it. I've been writing on my new album a lot and I really didn't want to be bothered with leaving my house, well, until I got writers block and decided to come out for a drink to clear my head."

"Yeah, cause that makes sense, drinking a brain altering substance will make you think better." I said laughing and he joined me.

"Yeah, okay, you caught me, I just needed to get out for a little bit, without cameras and people everywhere." He said honestly and I nodded.

"It's understandable, I couldn't imagine."

"It's not so bad most days, but sometimes you just want time to yourself you know?"

"I do know." I said nodding in agreeance.

"I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name?" He asked quizzically.

"Oh, it's Avery, Avery DeLaney." I said and he smiled again that soft sweet smile.

"It's nice to meet you. So what brings you to Mullingar? I can't help but notice your American accent."

"Oh, I uh, I ran away from home about four years ago as soon as I turned eighteen." I said and he lifted an eyebrow.

"Can I ask why? Or is that pushing my limits?"

I laughed.

"No, I, well, I wanted to start a career in music and my parents didn't believe in me, so I just ran."

"You ran all the way from..?"

"Kansas City, Nebraska."

"You ran all the way from Nebraska to Ireland?" He asked almost puzzled.

"Well yeah, at first I thought about maybe going to Nashville Tennessee but there's already so many people claiming stake there, I decided moving abroad to England or Ireland would be my best bet, I had always wanted to see Europe anyway, and I know there are quite a few record producers out here. I found a listing for my apartment in a newspaper ad while I was on the train from the airport to England and I took the first available train out to Mullingar, and four years later; here I am." I said taking a breath after my spew.

"Wow, that's pretty.."

"Crazy?" I finished for him.

"Actually, I was going to say brave, inspiring. Not many people would have the courage to just uproot and move like that."

"Yeah, well, I've always been one to ride the wind; to some extent." I said laughing a little at my decline to go out to a party with Ava about ten minutes ago.

"That's admirable." He commented taking another gulp of his drink.

"So, any luck with your music then?" He asked and I shook my head.

"It's always the same thing-"

"We'll give you a call." Niall said mocking every record producer.

"I take it you've been there?"

"Multiple times, it wasn't always this easy for me." He said running a hand through his hair.

"Hey but listen, why don't you give me a call sometime and I'll give one of your songs a listen? Maybe I can help you out?" He offered pulling out a pen and scribbling his number on a napkin, and my heart skipped a beat.

"Are you serious? That would be amazing! Thank you!" I said and he smiled a genuine smile.

"It's no problem."

The crowd on tv started screaming the countdown for the ball drop catching both of our attentions.

"Five, four, three, two, one, HAPPY NEW YEAR!" They shouted excitedly and all began planting kisses on each other, a New Year tradition I myself had never taken part in.

I glanced over at Niall awkwardly and he was looking back at me.

"Happy New Year." He said flashing a soft sweet smile and I swear I could feel my stomach gathering butterflies.

"Happy New Year." I commented and he finished his beer, grabbing my hand off the counter unexpectedly and giving it a soft kiss on the back of it, in a very gentlemen like way.

The door to the kitchen swung open and out walked Ava.

"Hey Ave I'm fixing to take off-" She started stopping in her tracks when she caught sight of the scene, Niall standing in front of me kissing the back of my hand.

He pulled away and smiled at her.

"Hello."

"H-hey.. you're.."

"Niall Horan, yes."

"Woah." Was all she said and he laughed.

"Call me tomorrow?" He asked turning back to me and then grabbed his phone slipping it in his pocket.

"Yeah, okay."

"Have a good night Avery," He said starting to the door, "Ma'am." He said to Ava before exiting the pub.

It was silent for a minute and then Ava exploded, in typical Ava way.

"WHAT WAS THAT?"

"What.." I asked casually.

"What?! Niall Horan?? Kissing you?!"

"It was just the back of my hand Ava, calm down."

"Calm down!? The very bane of Ireland shows up in our bar of all places and you want me to calm down?! Tony even has a framed picture of that boy on his desk in his office, it’s like he’s his illegitimate child or something! What did he say? What was he doing here??"

"Ava, take a breath, jeez you're going to give yourself a hemorrhage."

"Avery-" She started again.

"He just came in for a drink is all, said he was working on his music and needed a break, nothing crazy, honestly."

"Wow, that's so cool, and he gave you his phone number?? What's that about?" She asked raising her eyebrows.

"I told him I was into writing my own music and he said he would give it a listen is all."

"That's all?! Avery that's huge! Beyond huge! This could be your big break!"

"Calm down, I'm not getting excited just yet until I know I have a reason to be."

She rolled her eyes.

"Oh, and I supposed a mega babe like Niall Horan strolling in here, giving your his phone number, and kissing you is no reason to be excited??"

"On the hand! He kissed me, on the hand. It was hardly anything!"

"Hardly anything.. you are so blind." She said shaking her head.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, obviously Avery he's interested, why else would he "give your music a listen" and give you his number and kiss you?"

"On the back of the-"

"Whatever," she cut me off, "All I'm saying is he's famous, he's got a lot of fans and probably a busy schedule and for him to take time out to help you with your music is huge."

I shrugged my shoulders, but deep down, I knew she was right, it was unusual for someone like Niall to do something like that so quickly for someone he didn't know, but I was grateful for it.

Ava continued chatting a million miles a minute about Niall the entire rest of the time we closed up and all the way out to our cars.

"Seriously Avery, it is a big deal."

"Yeah, yeah, okay, we'll see how it goes."

She rolled her eyes and laughed.

"Only you, Avery DeLaney could peek the interest of an international superstar and treat it like it's no big deal."

"Cause it's not." I countered.

"Right, okay. Well, I'm going to be late to see Lee play, are you sure you don't want to come?" She asked again hitting the autounlock on her car.

"I'm sure, thanks though Ava, be careful tonight, and I'll see you tomorrow?"

"Definitely." She said blowing kisses and getting into the car.

I unlocked my own car and slid into the driver's seat sitting my bag in the passenger, pulling the folded napkin with Niall's number out of my jacket pocket.

I wondered where this was going to lead me, and although I knew I should remain cool about it, I couldn't wait to find out

[rosecolored-gay]

All them questions bitch

Okayyyyy

1. Are you a side, back, or front sleeper?

- Side or stomach, mainly stomach.

2. When you hum random music what song is it?

- Probably the jeopardy theme song.

3. Explain your username

- I am a gay, and rose colored because of the Paramore song.

4: Explain my username

- Anon?

5: How did you fall into the tumblr hellpit?

- Lol, my friend Tuna from high school marching band.

6: What fan interest of yours would you least prefer to explain in your workplace?

-My hidden love for Degrassi, and other shows from when I was kid.

7: What fan interest or yours would you most enjoy explaining in your workplace?

- Definitely my love for Grey’s Anatomy

8: Last song you listened to?

- High Hopes - Panic! At the Disco

9: Weirdest thing on your dash today?

- Not weird, but saw a lot of porn

10: In a perfect world, what animal would you most like to adopt?

- A polar bear!

11: What animal would you most like someone else to adopt?

- This question doesn’t make sense to me

12: What’s something trivial you have strong opinions about?

- OOH man, if you want to get me fired up, I have a strong opinion on LGBTQ rights, gender inequality, a woman’s right to choose, and race inequality. I’m a sociologist, so.

13: What would your super-villain finishing move be?

- Spiderweb like Tom Holland did in Homecoming.

14: Explain your icon.

- It’s me, looking hella gay.

15: You meet your true love(s) today. Possibly again. Describe your ideal hilarious romcom meetcute. (can be aromantic)

- Ummm, I always love the idea of two people picking up each others coffee order by accident and then they go to switch it and the one person is like “why’d you order this like this?”, idk and it leads to conversation, lol. I have a wild imagination when it comes to writing.

16: Your comfort food, and why.

- I really really really love Matzo Brei made by my dad. 

17: What type of mad science will you Show Them All with? (ex: mad chemical engineer, mad library scientist, mad linguist). Which of your creations will probably turn on you?

- I have no clue

18: Favorite cheesy trope?

-The having to share the bed trope

19: Favorite trope nobody writes enough of?

- Fake dating

20: Rec me a book, comic, or anime, or other piece of media you wish there were more like.

- Mmm, I could always go for more LGBTQ fiction.

21: Wierdest tumblr drama you’ve been a part of or stumbled across.

- Uh well, someone was harassing me on anon for a while. 

22: You know those things from a million years ago your brain suddenly reminds you to feel embarrased/guilty/bad about in full technicolor? Tell me one of them.

- L O L, how about the time I decided not to listen to my mom, and I was swinging my body back and forth on my grandmother’s walker, and it was on concrete, it moved, and I fell on my ass and bruised my tailbone so bad I couldn’t sit for a week.

23: What is something you collect?

- Notebooks

24: Pens. Do you know where the one closest to you came from? Would you be distressed if someone took it?

- Its a pilot precise pen, it belongs to my mother and if I took it she’d murder me.

25: The last game you played is crossed with the zombie apocalypse and now going down outside your window. How boned are you?

- Like video game? Uh, Super Mario Bros.

26: What was the last thing that made you cry?

- Getting a job that I really wanted.

27: Most embarrassing/weird/personal body thing you’re willing to talk about.

- Umm, I have a lot of freckles just randomly placed all over me.

28: Your icon is now the voice of your inner therapist. How is this gonna go?

- So, I’m my own therapist?

29: Name a kink you only like hypothetically.

- I’m so vanilla

30: Name a kink you find bewildering.

- Anything with animals is just fucking weird

31: You have acquired: a mouse, a lizard, a rabbit, a spider, a domestic fox. Name them! Who gets to sleep on the bed?

- Mouse is definitely now named Mickey, the Lizard is Godzilla, Rabbit is Dash, Spider - No way in hell am I keeping a spider.., Fox is named Zeus

32: What was your favorite childhood toy? Do you still have it?

- It was a barney plush, and he’s in a box in my closet

33: Hit “shuffle” on your media player and tell me your favorite lyric from the song that comes up.

- “Did you take him to the pier in Santa Monica? Forget to bring a jacket, wrap up in him cause you wanted to? I'm just curious, is it serious?”

34: What fan media (of yours or someone else’s) would you most like to see art/fic for?

- These Strange Steps, it’s a Faberry fic on AO3. 

35: What do you ship that you think would be hard to explain convincingly to other people? Attempt an explanation.

- Uhhhh, I kinda shipped Arizona and April from Grey’s Anatomy.

36: What meme gets on your nerves?

- The salt bae one I guess

37: Showers or baths?

- Showers

38: Who was your biggest childhood nemesis and why?

- This kid Talia, she lied to a kid that liked me and told him I hated him and almost ruined our friendship.

39: First writing prompt that comes to your head.

- AU on fake dating

40: Least favorite color.

- Purple

41: What was the last thing you got really obsessed with?

- Cutthroat Kitchen

42: What’s the weirdest experience you’ve ever had on a mind-altering substance? (prescription, recreational, otc, or food)

- Uh, got high and drunk at the same time and just felt hella fucked up

43: Shuffle up a random song on your media player. Now tell me what ship/story goes with it.

- Wowwww, its How To Save A Life by the fray, it just means someone on Grey’s is prob gonna die.

44: What’s making you happiest recently? :)

- Rach

45: What’s scaring you these days? :(

- Writing 60000 papers, will my brain turn to mush

46: Post a funny video for me.

- Too much work

47: Did you ever have a dream/nightmare that stuck with you for years?

- YES, ok make fun of me all you want, but one night I had a nightmare that a hippo chased me up a palm tree, been scared of hippos since. Absolutely the most irrational fear ever

48: What’s a movie you thought you’d hate but you turned out to love?

- Honestly, I thought I’d hate marvel movies, but I love them now that I’ve given them a try

49: Tell me a really obscure fact you know.

- There’s a spot in the brain where if someone smoke cigarettes and you injure this part of the brain, they’ll immediately quit cold turkey

50: Hot or cold?

- I hate hot weather, love the cold

51: How did your parent(s) punish you as a kid? What do you think of that?

- Taking away my phone or something I wanted to do. It was good incentive not to misbehave anymore

52: What’s something you thought was true about yourself that your feelings have changed on over the years?

- That I wasn’t smart

53: Write a story in seven words.

- uhhh

54: What is your favorite curse word?

- fuck

55: Favorite food for every color of the rainbow.

- pink - cotton candy, green - broccoli, yellow - pineapple, red -strawberry, blue - acai berry

56: If you were a poltergeist where would you haunt and what would be your preferred style of prank?

- I’d haunt my enemies, scare the shit out of them

57: What is an art style, craft, or skill that you can’t do, but you really admire in others?

- anything art like

58: What is a skill you have that people probably don’t know about?

- I can write poetry well

59: Name a pet peeve you have, and something you do that is probably a pet peeve for others.

- PEOPLE THAT CHEW WITH THEIR MOUTH OPEN, uhh i click pens constantly. Sorry lmao

60: Dragons, dinosaurs, or aliens?

- dinosaurs

61: What was the last big fight you had with someone about?

- About what show to watch at dinner, with my mom.

62: Insult the asker of this question creatively.

- too lazy

63: In an ideal world, what would you like done with your body after you die?

- do that thing where i become a tree

64: Find me a weird stock photo and post it.

- no

65: What was your bedtime ritual as a kid? Did you have one?

- my dad used to come in my room and open my closet and check under my bed for monsters and yell at them to leave

66: What are the three traits you value the most in others?

- humor, loyalty, honesty

67: What are the three most interesting wild animals you’ve encountered in your life?

- manatees, elephants, trump supporters

68: What is a word you really enjoy saying?

- shitballs

69: Answer number 60 like it was a “fuck, marry, kill” rhetorical.

- dude no thats nasty

70: Describe something that happened to you today as if you were a narrator in a film noir, nature documentary, or 50s teaching video

- ummm no

71: Create five new nicknames for yourself as quickly as you can.

- hey you, asshole, gaymo, flaming homo, queerer than a deer

72: Shorts, pants, skirts, or other?

- basketball shorts, or jeans

73: What’s a song you hate and why?

- Anything by Meghan trainor or taylor swift

74: If you were a superhero, what would be your one weakness?

- id stop on my way to save people if i saw a cute puppy that id want to pet

75: Describe a weird encounter you had with a bug.

- I killed a spider yesterday that had hitched a ride in my car

[laviestailleurs]

Chapter 1: The beggining

1.

I remember the orange sunset on my tanned skin, the warm breeze making the crops slow dance, the freshness of a sweet air filling my lungs. It was a calm afternoon, it was the beginning of an ending, and yet I was slowly walking through the crops, feeling them on the palm of my hand as if in few minutes my whole life wouldn't dramatically change forever.

I was at my sanctuary, the only place I felt at peace and myself, far away from the overprotectiveness of my mother. In between the crops I felt as if I could finally reveal my true self, far away from all the expectations of others, but especially from her. I knew I wasn't this person, but I didn't know who I was. My life felt off, as if the story was the wrong one, as if there had been a mistake. Deep down I always felt like I was meant to be someone else, someone with a bigger purpose. But here I was, feeling useless and lost, walking without a purpose, until I heard a sound.

My body froze, my hands became cold as ice, nobody could have been here with me. The sun had turned into this blood red color that was rapidly disappearing from the field. Everything inside of me was yelling at be to run as fast as I can. The crops started to move, I was hearing footsteps coming towards me. I started to run away from the path I should be getting home to, away from the footsteps coming to my way. I was running with all the force and breath I had, but somehow it wasn't enough, I was still being chased. The moment I glimpsed over my shoulder, I tripped over my long white silk dress and everything went dark.

2.

When thinking about my life, it feels more like a blurry dream than a life. Maybe my awareness disappeared with my numbness I had about everything happening around me. Fighting became worthless the moment I understood it wasn't going to change anything. I was a pawn under the control of the ones with power, but mostly my mother, Demeter.

I love and admire her with all my heart, but our personalities and the way we see life and how to live it are so different that we can never get along. She's the most powerful women I know and I will always admire her for it, but after my dad and her separated, I felt as if she focused all her energy towards me, when all I ever wanted was to become this free spirited person I knew I was deep inside. A lot was expected of her, she needed to be viewed in a certain way that also affected me. I was a part of a world I didn't want to get involved in. The way I had to dress, the way I had to act, the things I shouldn't do nor say. At some point I was drowning in secrets I had to keep to myself. And I think I was cursed by the weight of secrets from an early age. My father, had never been around much, making appearances from time to time, Although I always had this powerful love for him. Everyone loved and also feared Zeus.

But my fears were different ones, a part of me always feared of being forgotten and not being loved by him. And with time, our fragile relationship grew further and further away. Both of my parents are complete opposites. The relationship I have with them is also very different. When I think about it, fate might have given me the challenge of dealing with opposites althrought my existence. But honestly, I'm exhausted from always being the one stuck in the middle, the one that always tries to figure out the truth when being thrown many different versions of reality. My energy is drained from trying to keep a feet on each world of both of my parents as equally as possible. And yet, this was only the begging of my fate. A fate that was neither a gift nor a curse.

My life's challenge of always being as diplomatic as possible by staying in the middle ground and by equally visiting very separate worlds was decided without my free will. This is the reason I believe we have no say when it comes to our fate. Which was clearly designed for us to pass a challenge in which all the circumstances of our lives will allure us to the completeness of this main lesson. My life's lesson that I had no choice over was to learn to deal with polar opposites of every circumstance. To learn how to deal with two very different worlds. And I had no other choice but to accept this fate.

3.

I opened my eyes to a stabbing pain inside my head. The air was humid and cold. My whole body was shivering from the mixture of shock and cold. The room was like a cave because of the texture of walls. I gathered all my force in order to stand up but was brutally stabbed to the ground by chains over my waist which were attached to the walk behind me. My breaths grew stronger and faster which were making the chains hurt me more. I wasn't aware this much fear and panic was even possible to feel and I was even less sure if my heart would continue beating after all this panic rushing through me. I finally managed to shout for help, wishing someone could come and release me from this hell.

The door opened brutally:

"I was wondering when you would wake up." appeared a dark deep voice through the shadows.

"Who are you? Where am I? " I was surprised by how calm and determined my voice was coming out of my mouth.

"I'm Hades and you are in the underworld." said very stoically

I knew exactly who he was and apparently my family life was even more complicated than I thought it was. I've heard of Hades before, one of my father's brothers, but I have never met him until now.

How strange is it all of the masks we put in order to hide all the emotions happening inside of us. Showing any kind of emotion is always linked to being weak. But maybe not being able to show emotion is the real weakness. Maybe hiding behind a pretend mask is the real weakness. But at this point, I didn't have any other choice but to pretend, I had to pretend to be strong until I eventually did become one.

"Why am I here?" I continued

"You tripped and fell at the field of crops. I took you to my world. A change of scenery never hurts anyone."

"But chains do hurt. Unchain me! I want to leave now!"

"Fearless I like it."  lightly smiled then continued:

"A please would be nice. I suggest you try it again but nicely next time."  Hades then swiftly left the room shutting the door behind him.

I was once again left alone with millions of burning questions inside my head.

4.

The moment I realized I was taken captive by Hades, my anxiety did calm down a little. At least I knew where I was and I was also sure people were going to look for me. I knew my mother was going to tear the world apart until she found me. But until then, I was all by myself. The best chance I had was to play along with Hades and to buy myself some time. Once I became calmer, I looked at the chains around my waist, after carefully examining them, I realized the chains were not locked to the wall. And I easily managed to unchain myself with my hands. Why did he purposely forget to lock the chains? Was the door really locked? I began to walk towards the door and hopelessly tried to turn the knob. The door did open, But I couldn't help myself from wondering: Was he watching me? What was his plan?

Adrenaline rushed once again through my whole body. This room somehow seemed safer than the unknown underworld out there. I also knew I couldn't escape from the underworld so easily. Trying seemed worthless. I wish I had a bit of courage in me, but I didn't. I closed the door without fully opening it and went back to where I was sitting before.

The truth is, I always overthinking every circumstance of any action before doing it. This makes it impossible to go through with anything. One simple action had the possibly of causing so many outcomes, and in this case, all the outcomes did end up pretty badly.

After a while, Hades did show up again. But this time he was accompanied by a hound that was scarier than him. After carefully observing, he began to speak "Don't you want to come out? You are missing out on a whole other world." said amusingly

"I want you to take me back. I don't belong here."

"How can you know where you belong without even experiencing it first? You should give it a chance. You might be surprised."

"Is he going to hurt me?" I said looking at the hound.

"Maybe the question should be, am I going to hurt you?"

"You would have hurt me by now if you wanted to."

"Touché." smiled Hades

"Why am I really here?"

He examined me once more. I wasn't sure if he was thinking of an answer or if he was trying to read me. Keeping a courageous act was draining all the energy out of me. And I didn't know how long I could keep up with him.

"Come with me" finally said Hades opening the door for me to follow him.

5.

Here I was stepping into unknown grounds. A world I never thought I would see. I was mesmerized by how every inch of this place was decorated with silvers and golds while precious stones were keeping them company. The most dominant color was shades of purple and blue. I couldn't help myself from not showing how surprised I was in front of this view.

"The purple you see is created from a stone called amethyst. I find something mysteriously attractive about this stone. The color of purple symbolizes a very powerful energy. However every shade of blue you see is caused by stones such as apatites, azurites and diamonds."

"Why is there so many of them?"

"We are under the world Persephone...It's where stones and minerals are."

"Where is all the fire and torture happening then?" I asked

"Above ground." replied Hades with his famous smile.

Maybe this was the reason why he rarely visited my world. Not because he wasn't allowed, but because he didn't want to. The job of gods and goddess above earth is to assure everything works smoothy so that the living can continue to exist. But humans never get satisfied by anything. Humans always want more, when they do finally get something they want, the pleasure disappears in few days and the never ending cycle of always wanting something they don't have continues. Dooming the human kind for a lifetime of suffering.

Above ground, I've seen countless wars, deaths, and never ending sufferings. And the worst part is everything happens for no evident reason nor a good cause. The reason behind all kinds of quarrels is caused by human greed. And greed is a sickness that cannot be healed.

I did see love and kindness above ground but they always ended with some kind of jealousy or disappointment. Hearts getting broken because of loving too much or not enough. Humans don't know the definition of balance, everything is either too much or not enough. They do not know how to stay in the middle ground and this human condition has no remedy. Secretly, I always preferred any other living species than the human kind. Plants, animals and even bacterias were better than humans. Maybe the world would have been a much better place with only plants and animals living on it.

"Are you going to take me back?" I asked

"I'm sensing you are in desperate need to take a vacation. You are too tense for your young age. And I am feeling very generous today. Stay here, be my guest, you can do whatever you want here. You are free as long as you don't leave."

Nothing was making sense but I was curious, so I proceeded: "What is there to do in here anyway?"

"I don't know, try walking on sunshine."

"But there is no Sun."

"Right, we obviously don't have the same definition of Sun. Just pretend that the lava is the sun. I'm sure you'll enjoy it in any case."

"Are you being serious right now?"

"You will have to discover this by yourself." replied Hades, and he continued giving me the tour of the underworld without leaving me the chance to ask any further questions.

[stosslenz]

Hippie Gypsy Child Dancing In The Cloud Of Cigarette Smoke

Sometimes I wonder when it all happened inside of me.

When it all started; the very beginning of finding out who I always wanted to become?

I don’t believe I ever wanted to be the damsel in distress, I honestly don’t know at what point I allowed myself to swallow that bullshit.

Although, I grew up watching the women around me sick over the need for the love of man who didn’t take good care of them.

Thinking about all those scenes I watched unfold me, as a young, impressionable girl, hungry for understanding all the parts of life the adults seem to have secret keys to. I knew my mother was sick, that she picked what wasn’t good for her, for us, over and over again. But she was beautiful in a tragic yet untouchable way, like most women weren’t.

I thought the world of her. She could be on her worst of days, abusive to herself, and all of us who she desperately wanted to understand how to love differently- but didn’t feel capable of doing so- and even these days I worshiped her. The way she did her hair, the way she dressed herself, the way she smelt, the way she danced to Billie Holiday and other brokenhearted artists, the way she painted something troubled yet perfect on canvas, wood, scraped of nothing, and made something that was nothing so special, the way she lit incense, the way she looked in the fog of her cigarette smoke. The way she turned into an alter person entirely after one glass of wine or can of beer. She may have been so broken, crazy, waiting for all of us, even me as a young helpless child, to save her, but I forgave her before I even needed to, because to me she was absolutely perfect.

The chaos she seemed to gravitate towards felt like her paintings. The way it didn’t make sense, but you couldn’t stop looking-gocking at the entire thing unraveling. The men that walked into our lives wanted to save us, but they couldn’t even save themselves. So it never went well. I called too many men I’ve never seen again, Daddy, I thought they’d be there forever, and then when they weren’t it felt normal. But it never should have. None of it should have felt normal, but it was after all, all I knew.

I suppose, I may have adopted the belief that in some dark and twisted way, I too wanted to create that world in my own romantic relationships. I suppose I craved normalcy and familiarity the way we all do. The issue being that my understanding of what “normal” or “familiar” to me, was all too unhealthy.

I realized when I got into junior high, that everyone had their own issues and weird hidden things happening at home, but I never met anyone else who danced around naked in my parent’s cloud of smoke, until a very old age, like a gypsy child, raised by gypsy hippies, strung out on heroine, trying to make sense of a world that didn’t have much sense at all.

The feeling of being a weird black sheep turned into that anxious nauseous feeling, deep down, in the pit of your stomach that has never seemed to completely go away.

I think it was around this time. When it happened. When I began acting contrary to what I really wanted.

It doesn’t make much sense to me, why we do that.

Why we know who we want to be, but we feel too young, too small, too insignificant, to create our own version of ourselves; different from that of our upbringings. I knew I didn’t want as much chaos as I had grown up in, I knew I was afraid of drugs + alcohol- I knew I wanted nothing to do with addiction. But I also didn’t know love outside of a dramatic, abusive, conditional, constantly inconsistent, realms.

Life was bi-polar, as most of the people who raised me were.

I didn’t even have to be truly bi-polar, to feel so closely what it was indefinitely like.

And so at this point, around 13, at the peak of puberty, and deciding I wanted to experience romance with a man, that I’d have to go off of what I knew. What I saw growing up, what I gathered from the stories in books, movies, tv shows, music that I devoured since I was so small. So swallowed that bullshit, I told myself to stay small, to stay insecure, and to wait for some guy to come fix it.

It was a flawed and over romanticized thought process, but it became so a part of me.

Even in the youngest, strangest, impossible, junior high relationships, I sought after situations that were off from the beginning.

It makes me sad to know that the version of me that I am now, stronger, braver, existed all those years, the woman that was not a damsel in distress, the woman who could thrive instead of just survive, but she was suppressed for so long, and only God really knows why.

I can sit here trying to trace back my steps, my old beliefs, trying to map out how it all came into my head, how I allowed my heart to follow after such strange ideals that weren’t healthy…but I’ve learned in the last two years the power I have in where I place my gaze.

And placing my gaze on the past, has great power of my life, when I let it. And the result of that has never been good, so I’ve stepped away from that habit. Not completely, but mostly. I’m proud of that.

The greatest feeling is that which comes from the power to keep my gaze fixed forward. It is the most freeing, most stellar opposite of destructive + chaotic living that I’ve ever dreamed of.

Still, I find it hard, to completely allow myself to be this stronger version of myself, to not keep her suppressed under my skewed version of what normal is.

I often feel behind still in understanding what lies behind the doors of true adulthood, like there are still so many secrets to be discovered, but I haven’t yet found the keys to those doors quite yet.

Sometimes, I still feel like a strangely naïve, yet too grown up, hippie, gypsy, child dancing naked around in the cloud of cigarette smoke- just twirling until I’m so dizzy, that I have to lay down until the spins in my head fade away.

That version of myself, that child wasn’t bad, she did the best could with what she had. And I am forever thankful to her for that.

Isn’t that odd? To think we can thank, forgive, admire our former selves?

I had an ex-lover who hated when people talked about how often we change. He had to believe we were always mostly the same. It was as if the disenchantment period of life was scarier to him than death itself. He wanted to have the pleasure of always staying true to the child he came into this world as, more than anything else on earth, he wanted that.

It made me uncomfortable, because at the same time that he was desperately grabbing onto his child self to stay, I was ferociously trying to let mine go for good. I couldn’t understand why someone would be excited to know that we’re constantly changing, that we can take that as good news, because that means we get to grow and grow and grow and keep getting better.

This part of being human still absolutely elates me, and maybe that’s why we never worked out- because I wanted to use my power in gazing forward, and he wanted the opposite- he wanted his power to always be in looking behind. My best was not yet to come, I was running in an opposite direction as fast and hard as I could from what was behind me. Eager for what was to come, and he was unraveling at the idea that his best was constantly getting farther and farther behind.

Interesting how we can all be so different right?

I don’t think he was wrong, or that people who think like him are wrong. I just think our life experiences are different, I think that’s okay, but not everyone does.

Romantic relationships are painful for me. I have to suppress the part of me who still craves chaos and it’s sickly comforting familiarity.

Sometimes that makes me feel disabled relationally.

I know there’s no red A sewn into my sweater that everyone can see, but sometimes, just because I can feel the little hippie gypsy girl still alive inside of me, hungry for the only kind of “love”, I knew, that it feels as if everyone can see it too.

And then I find myself settling for other people, shamefully walking around with their bright red A’s marked into their being for all the world to see. And then we end up destroying the chances of moving forward to the good we could have ahead of us, together, and I don’t like it one bit.

I know that I’m not that woman anymore, not that kind of girl anymore.

I know what I need and what I don’t need.

I know what I want and what I don’t want.

And my favorite part of it all, is that I no longer need anyone else to tell me that it’s okay that it looks drastically different from what I’ve always experienced.

People tend to be quicker to share stories of how they came out of the muck and the mire more than they do about how they ran around in simple green pastures chasing butterflies and dancing around like Julie Andrews in the Sound of Music.

And you know why? Because we all are made up of those moments where we fell apart, and that is truly where our brightest, strongest, bravest, most beautiful pieces of ourselves come together. Can they really ever come together without the breaking apart?

Life is full times where we are broken down, in our homes, in our school, at work, in friendships, romantic relationships, even in time alone with ourselves.

And those moments don’t have to be dark or unsettling. Maybe they can be something we take with us, without the disgust.

Maybe we can become better versions of ourselves every day, no matter how broken we’ve been here or there, then, or even now.

I have to believe in the power of looking forward. Knowing I have only more awesome things to understand about life as I grow.

I don’t feel like I have to run as hard, fast, and anxiously from my past like I used to.

Mostly now I feel like life is more about figuring out how you keep going after you’ve sailed away forever from all that is TRULY behind you.

This space of redemption is so new for me. I feel as if the pilgrimage has finally just begun, and as much as it can be frightening to not feel like this space is normal or familiar to me at all…it also feels like coming up for fresh air, after years of slowly and painfully drowning.

I don’t necessarily know what happens next, but I know what doesn’t happen next, and that is doing what I’ve always done.

No, this is all different now, the ground my feet stand upon, is new, even though I’ve physically stepped upon it many other times before, even though I’ve been in this same body for over 25 years now…it’s all brand spanking fucking beautifully new.

It’s exciting. To look forward, to not feel afraid that looking forward is only the same as looking backward- to know the two are drastically different. To know it doesn’t matter how I got to this broken place or flawed belief back then, but to know that it’s where I’m going that matters- in fact it is all that matters.

[worldofsurvivortibet-blog]

RITES OF PASSAGE

The Rites of Passage is a time for eliminated people to reflect on the game, and the Final 4 to say final words to the eliminated contestants.

Ally

Chrissa - I like her I don't think we were on a tribe but she is an icon 

Kendall - Who and or what are you?

Nicholas - first boot QUEEN I MISS YOU 

Amanda

Chrissa - voted out never got a chance to work with her but I like her.

Kendall - You were a rough vote, I really didn't want to through you under the bus. And though it's unlikely we will ever speak again, I did like you. You were the light our the reality show fan trash tribe.

Nicholas - goddess, queen, legend! it was so great to get to know you and i wish that we could have gotten to play the game together more

Darian

Carson - I cant remember what i ate for dinner last night, much less this vote, which happened 84 years ago. Sorry I had to turn on you so early, but there were just people I trusted more at the time who were telling me you weren’t on my side : ((( 

Chrissa - i originally didn't vote him out but voting him out really helped my game I feel i was in the majority that vote 

Kendall - We never talked but I sort of reveled in your demise. Nothing personal, I was really happy when we won immunity for once. 

Nicholas - DARIAN GOGGIN I WISH U WOULD HAVE MADE MERGE U FREAK <3

Julia

quack

Chrissa - never got to work with her but she is cool 

Kendall - Okay we did talk and from our time on the summit you seemed really awesome and a fun conversationalist. Sadly you were voted out before we could wreck any havoc together, so alas I can only dream of what could have been.

Nicholas - idk u

Julia Rae

Carson - Queen of quitting games!

Chrissa - I love Julia Rae icon just Christ walked but I love her 

Kendall - Yeah I can only think of you as the lesser Julia of the season. Carson said you were psychic though and that’s pretty bitching.

Nicholas - thx for walking and making me have to actually talk to people ://

Dani

Carson - I’m so glad we worked together on Kailash, and it sucks you got #swapfucked. Wish you could have stayed longer so we could regroup at the merge!

Chrissa - we aligned when Darian went and I love her 

Kendall - Like other Julia and Darian, I have never communicated with you. But Carson and Trysten adored you, whenever they spoke of you it was highly and makes me wish I had the opportunity to meet you. 

Nicholas - idk u

Ting Ting

Carson - You're such an icon in this community, and it broke my heart that I had to vote you out <3

Chrissa - I got her out to build trust with Kendall and it worked I like ting ting but she had to go 

Kendall - Sorry about gas lighting you and all that jazz, I mean not entirely because I think it saved me but yeah still sorry for any emotional damage I may have caused.

Nicholas - idk u

Eddie

Chrissa - never worked with him but he seems pretty cool surprised I made it further than him 

Nicholas - idk u

Ace

Carson - I just wanted to take this time to tell you that I’m disgusted that you put that shit on the wiki. That was incredibly rude, offensive, and uncalled for, so bye!

Chrissa - I love ace personally but never worked with him I heard he said some inappropriate words though

Kendall - Look, what you did to Jaiden was insanely fucked up but you were a good player and a good friend. And I hope you grow as a person from this.

Nicholas - LEGEND! WHAT THE HECK I WISH WE COULD HAVE SLAYED THIS GAME TOGETHER BUT YOU WERE A HUGE THREAT TO ME! either way it was fun to get to work together!!

Matt

*flips Seamus off* *waves goodbye to everyone else* :3

Carson - My bad for not getting to know you better in the small amount of time we played together! 

Chrissa - he went for me with Johnny lol luckily voting him out really did save me if I vote trysten that week I would have been screwed 

Kendall - You probably hate me right now and I get that. But the reason you were voted out wasn’t because you were an easy vote. It was because you were a threat. Also ONE DAY I’LL CATCH YOU AND ADD YOU TO MY POKÉMON COLLECTION. *pathetically pelts you with pokéballs*

Nicholas - i didn’t talk to u but I’m sure u are a nice individual

Elena

Carson - You were fun to talk to when you were actually here!

Chrissa - inactive I loved her she was so nice 

Kendall - You were the first to go in the mass medi vac and it’s a shame you did but overall not very surprising. No offense. 

Nicholas - QUEEN! I am so sad you got med evaced you were so sweet to talk to and you were highkey robbed!

Jaiden

Carson - I love the unpredictability you bring to games. I was looking forward to working with you so bad bc it was the first time we've played together in a year, but I completely respect you for quitting after that. Best of luck in India!

Chrissa - he was nice to me he walked he was extra so extra he was the most tame though in this cast 

Kendall - NGL from what I had heard from Amanda and a bunch of other people, you sounded like the spawn of satan. But low and behold, you subverted my expectations by being a decent conversationalist and a fascinating individual.

Nicholas -

Johnny

Carson - You had me SHOOK when you went from “carry me on your back” to “never mind im going to run this game”. Honestly, you were such a contender to win once you started to pull voting blocs together, and thats why I became weary of letting you get any farther. Still, I’m glad you made the game so interesting!

Chrissa - he lied to me told me he had no one then told me he voted for me cause he had Matt like what's the truth getting him out was the smartest move I decided to make

Kendall - You were the closest thing I had (aside from Jared) as an archenemy. You were cunning and manipulative and absolutely fascinating. Had I not played my idol, you would have gotten Chrissa out. I admire your skill greatly.

Nicholas -

 ok what a king of the minority! i loved our crackedt ass plans to try to flip votes and i am really glad that that we got to strategize together!

Keyonjay

I'm sorry I went out the way I did, but I love you all and I'm proud of you guys!

Carson - You had such a great social game, and I’m pretty sure the only way you were leaving the game was being medevaced. 

Chrissa - my ally so sad he was too inactive but I love him 

Kendall - GOD DAMNIT KEYONJAY! YOU HAD ONE JOB! NOT TO GET BRUTALLY VOTED OUT! YOU JUST HAD TO GO UP AND GET YOURSELF MEDI VACED! YOU BITCH! But seriously, I adore you and miss our conversations about existentialism and arson.  

Nicholas - KING! LEGEND! ICON! I AM SO SAD YOU ARE GONE! YOU ARE A LEGEND AND IT WAS SO FUN PLAYING THIS GAME WITH YOU FROM START TO FINISH!!! <3

Trysten

Carson - I’m still kicking myself for not being closer to you. I really missed a chance to work with you because looking back at it, you were so open to it even after I threw a vote at you during pre-merge. Anyways enough rambling, you definitely had a great under the radar game, and congrats on making it as far as you did!

Chrissa - his vote out was sad but voting him out also helped 

Kendall - You went through a lot of shit this season. Like I’m pretty sure you were in the minority for every vote that you have been apart of. Which is a shame because I did like talking to you about dangan ronpa and other things. 

Nicholas - you were really sweet to talk to when we did talk and i hope everything is well with you!

Seb

Carson - King of calling people out! I’m so glad we were allies since Day 1. You were someone I knew I could rely on, even when we didn’t vote together :~) 

Chrissa - very polarizing but a good player but he called me a flop cause I voted out his friend. 

Kendall - What’s a nice way of saying I hope you get ass cancer?

Nicholas - next!

Jared

Carson - You're a legend, but also a rat for giving me my first vote! You had a lot of bad cards dealt to you and you persevered through so much, so congrats for that!

Chrissa - I had mixed feelings sometimes they were a lot but that's why I voted them out they were threatening they didn't think so but they really were plus we never pmed I feel the people I agreed to vote out have helped me get this far.

Kendall - Ah my white whale. We said a lot of terrible things to each other and we probably went a tad too far in our rivalry. But overall, you really aren’t all that bad of a guy. I hope you don’t take a few of my confessionals too seriously, they were rather harsh.

Nicholas - the baddest bitch in this game!!! you were robbed :/

The Immunity will be posted soon!