#honestly i probably do just need to lose weight or start exercising literally at all

[cephalomon]

also my shoulder is flaring up in new and exciting ways. its starting to ache in my collarbone and sometimes it aches all the way up into my ear ♡ i slept it off just now i think ? but holy shit was it annoying

[edrecovery-space]

So, two things…

number one isn’t ED related, but I’m worried the anxiety of it could potentially make me relapse? But so far I’ve been doing good… I have a yummy sandwhich for lunch and I’ve been doing really good about eating healthy this past week or so

for thing two : tw weight loss and sort of vent??

I’ve been waiting for a DID diagnosis for a while now… and the other day my psych reached out to my father and therapist. She said I don’t have DID, but that I have major depressive disorder and PTSD… and that I may have or am severely at risk for having BPD… my therapist disagrees and still thinks I have DID. The main reason I think my psych said I don’t have it is because she asked about alters and I panicked and mentioned this one alter who is a trauma holder and basically her whole role is to hold guilt and trauma… which made the psych think I have BPD and/or just have “personalities” as a “coping mechanism”… because the alter only holds a specific emotion so she took that as my alters are just me but different emotions and aspects of myself, just not in a DID way. Weirdly the way she explained it all sounded almost exactly like DID though… and some sort of other disordered system… and she said that that may not be a final diagnosis and that me thinking I have DID and my symptoms are still valid and should still be taken seriously… so I’m very fucking confused about all that… she’s going to talk to me personally and talk to me more about all that stuff. BRIGHT SIDE- she lectured my dad for an hour on how he needs to use he/him pronouns and our chosen name for us

I fucking lost weight and I am pissed about it… I was finally happy with my body, but then I had a health issue/concern so I had to exercise more and lose weight… so I had to work out a lot and eat healthier but also had to eat 3 meals a day minimum… and that was a bit ago. And now that I’ve stopped exercising and working out I’ve somehow lost fucking weight… I was confused at first, but honestly it could just be that my body is no longer in starvation mode so I’m actually eating properly now… still upset about it… because my old jeans from 2+ years ago are still way too small… but my new jeans are way too big and literally falling off me… you can see the difference in my stomach size… and idk. I’m annoyed. I realize I should probably be happy but it feels like more of a loss than a win… because it reminds me that I still need to lose so much weight and makes me feel gross because I’m still heavy and overweight

im keeping up health eating habits. So yay

hoping I can continue keeping them up…

the other night I did almost start binging BUT I did not… someone in the system stopped me… so yay… I’m proud of myself about that at least

sorry for sad stuff 😅

-🐥

sounds a tad bit like your psych might not fully know about did or is mistaking what they understand for something else, the later of which tends to happen a bit.

very very proud of you for healthy eating /gen

i hope things only keep getting better for you from here on out!

[paleclementine]

okay i might as well do the update now. I'll try to include as much as I'm able, but I'll probably miss some details.

thank fucking Christ the semester is over.

Holy shit, I hadn't had such a hard time in school since my sophomore year of highschool. The classes were the most boring ones I've ever taken. The professors were so boring and terrible. I hated going to class, but it was one of the few things that got me away from my roommates. I can't stand thinking about them now, So i might later. I started losing weight and cutting down calories significantly, and since I started on November 8th, I've lost 7-10 pounds, but I've hit a plateau and can no longer (as of now) lose weight just by eating less, so I'll need to exercise again. tbh, I think all the weight I lost actually came from those first two weeks where I was running and doing abs and actually burning calories. Outside, of course, because it wasn't balls-fucking cold and burning my nose. I'm proud of myself for losing that weight, but I still have a long, long way to go. I want to get down to 88 pounds (ugw). I don't plan on staying there- genuinely, I don't- it's just... I want to be able to say I did it. That not only was I capable of it, but I actually accomplished it. I've never been underweight in my entire fucking life, and for once, I'd like to not be the duff. it will take hard work and discipline, but I'm not afraid of hard work; I'll get everything I want.

The new york trip was really fun, but physically draining. Anthony was a good sport about it, although he did play bloons tower defense on his phone more than I would have liked. He was good around my family though, and supportive of me when I got disgusted of the streets and subways and crowds. Side note- I hate new yorkers. They're so rude. There's lots of little things that happened, but my favorite parts were ice skating at Rockerfeller, getting peanut noodles (twice!) with Anthony in Chinatown, and hearing all his spiderman facts, watching Wicked, and napping when possible. It was a long trip, but worthwhile.

Now I'm home, and it's comfortable. I got everything I wanted for Christmas and liked all of my stuff. Unlike other Christmas's, I know I'll use everything I got. Me and Hailey watched all the harry potter movies together, and now I'm in a harry potter phase again. It's so good! Liking it isn't cringe (as I once thought- ugh, I got too consumed with millennial hate).

Btw, I went to hang out with Emily thinking we were going to eat dinner together and just talk, and then guess who was there? SAM. The fucking bastard. I don't know what the fuck happened- how it played out- to make him join, or if Emily let him come in the first place. I. Fucking. HATE HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyway.

I'm doing well, trying to just chill out completely. God knows I need it and will continue to need it. I deleted tiktok and I already feel myself settling back into my natural rhythm again. I really, really appreciate that.. the norm for myself is not being on tiktok. My body and brain naturally don't want that level of overstimulation, and the mere act of not being on it makes me more relaxed. I literally had the app for two months-- maybe more, honestly, but I cant remember. that's a long fucking time. Since I've deleted it, I've read over 200,000 words of fanfic on AO3, and in my opinion, that's a much better way to spend my time. Sighhh. I hate tiktok. I hate social media. I think I'd end up fine if I got a flip phone so long as I could still listen to music.

Anyway, back to reading fanfic :) overall, I'm happy here. I don't want to go back to the cold. But I'll do what I must- because I must do it.

[mellow-worlds]

older rants

I kind of want to feel the same way it felt that day my aunt and uncle wouldn't leave me alone and forced me to eat. I don't want that part, but before eating anything, I was probably as close to fainting as ever. I want to faint. Do I? Well, I want people to know I'm unwell. I suppose fainting would be very dramatic. But it would make my issue seem real. It honestly feels a little wring to be so whiny when in reality, nothing much has happened. I'm not being that whiny, but I'm pretending to be super anorexic or whatever, when I'm not. I just don't eat all that much and do intermittent fasting overkill but hahsjs ksjsjbshs I'm fine. I do still have some anorexic traits and thought patterns but that doesn't mean I am anorexic. I havent even been doing this for all that long, maybe 3 weeks?? And honestly, feeling weak is awful. But it'd be real? I just hope the pain doesn't come back. Anorexia is super painful. I hope it doesn't sneak behind my eyelids while I try to sleep and I hope it doesn't make me moan in pain.I'm so jealous of the people who are naturally skinny. I'm so jealous of K. I should eat healthily. Ofc I'm not losing weight if I only eat sugar. And I'll try to exercise at least a little. Hhh. I guess it's a start. And I eat so unhealthily, anything would be an improvement.

I think I have so many toxic traits because of my abysmal self esteem. For example my constant need for validation and attention and in the past my need of some sort of control and wanting to be seen as good and being marvelled at which never happened lmao. But then again, sometimes I do think I'm pretty smart? Evidence says otherwise but sometimes I do feel a little smart. And sometimes I think my face shape is pretty. So maybe my self esteem isn't as bad as I'm claiming it is? Maybe it's not to blame for me being a terrible person?Talking with P today was so nice. It was only short but very very nice. L was also there and we laughed a lot and gosh I like this man so much. I think I'll really just "keep trying". It's fine. We can be friends. Rn I'm not as willing anymore to kms because I talked to G at uni again and it was a lot of fun, but honestly...... yeah no. It's the right thing to do.

Anyway, P looks so good. :) I really do get obsessed too easily. Is it obsession though? I just write about him a lot, I don't necessarily think about him incessantly. He does look very good, especially with his glasses. Today in the lecture, our arms touched just a little bit. And he smells sooooo good. Even his tobacco smells nice somehow. But he also has this other scent that's just so nice. Idk I think I could gush about him for the rest of time. Maybe. I think he's awesome.I really, really enjoyed talking to him and L. And I hope to talk more with L in the future in general. And ofc I wish I never stopped talking to P. I wish he liked me. Istg I'm trying. I'm trying to be better and prettier. I wish I was good enough for like literally anything. I'm not really anything and not good enough yo be anything. I wish I was skinny so P could have half a reason to like me.I saw that there's scars on L's arm. They looked artificial, but also well healed and I couldn't really get a good look. I don't really know what to make of this. She doesn't seem like the type of person to hurt herself, she's too sweet. But I suppose I shouldn't try to deny it? And I guess that ultimately, it doesn't affect me. She seems really happy now, I don't think I have to be worried. Makes me wonder what people would think about my scars. Luckily, so far no one really seems to have noticed. Maybe this one girl from my old class. Or A and J. Definitely no one from uni :). Sucks enough that my sisters know. I also wonder how people will react when I kms. I suppose I also don't seem like the type of person to do so. Momentarily, I'm super happy. Yk, when I get to talk to friends. It turn to shit the minute I'm left to myself. And this morning, thinking about P, it really made me sad. He'll never like me. It's fine. Just sad. I shouldn't be sad about things i could expect. Still am. Oh well.

[gobbluthbutagirl]

my bmi is literally 25.01 now are you shitting me

[catboyantichrist]

Hi there! Can you please do relationship headcanons of a gender neutral MC with autism and ADHD dating the seven brothers? I’d love to see more positive writing of a neurodivergent MC and how each of the brothers would love and respect them regardless of their disabilities. Feel free to do this if you want to. If not, that’s ok! Have a great day! 😁👍🌷🌹🌺🌸🌼🌻🌷🌹🌻🌼🌸🌺

This ask literally made me squeal- my neurodivergent ass is gonna have way too much fun with this- LMAO Just a warning, I'm basing this mainly off of my personal experiences (I have ADHD and am possibly getting tested for atypical autism in the future.). Ill try to be as broad as possible but I'd just like to give a heads up.

Just know that if you don't relate to this post or something in it, that doesn't mean you aren't valid! Everyone experiences neurodivergencey differently ^^

☆The Brothers Dating A GN!MC With Autism & ADHD☆

Day-to-day life has always been a struggle. As it feels like no human truly understands why you function the way you do. From bosses, to teachers, to neurotypical friends. Life can feel draining and like a chore when you're living in a world that doesn't function the way you do.

Then your world literally changes. You're in the devildom now. Most people would be terrified that they're living in a house full of demons. But you weren't. You felt like you finally belonged, and eventually you finally found love. Something that people assumed you'd never be able to find. Well jokes on them because your lover treats you with so much respect and kindness, and of course you do the same. This is some of what your lover does that just makes your heart spin:

Lucifer:

-Much to your dismay, before Lucifer started to get to know you he was similar to the humans you've encountered in the past. This doesn't last long though as one of the brothers (most likely Leviathan or Mammon) try to explain. He begins to go a bit easier on you, and also falls for you.

-When you guys start dating, he makes it his goal to help make your day-to-day life easier. Dare I say, he takes pride in it. (Hahahah aren't I funny?)

-He notices how you need a schedule to function, but how much you hate schedules. So with your permission, he makes a loose schedule and follows it WITH you. It simultaneously helps you function more than usual, and it helps Lucifer take breaks when he needs to.

-You two begin to do everything together, as doing stuff together and holding each other accountable is a lot easier than doing it alone

-If someone ever dares to make a rude comment about you Lucifer will um... "take care of them".

-If you ever get overstimulated from the environment you're in, Lucifer keeps his office wide open as a quiet place for you. He keeps a weighted blanket, some headphones and any stim toys you usually use in a corner of his office. If you're not comfortable with them out in the open he'll keep them in a special box somewhere in his office that others can't get into.

Mammon:

-Executive Dysfunction gang! The both of you are relieved that you understand each other and some dumbass wont just go "jUsT gEt Up aNd dO iT!"

-If you guys are struggling with it at different times, you'll try to help each other do small tasks that require very limited effort so that one of you don't get overwhelmed and stressed out. If its a particularly difficult day, you'll just stay there to support the other if they want that.

-If both of you are struggling that day, you do nothing ✨together✨ and just vibe with each others company.

-This man brings you shiny things. They don't even have to be worth anything, they're just shiny. You proceed to do the same. You two now have a designated spot for shiny things you bring each other. If you have an interest in art, you and him will probably end up using the shiny objects as art projects.

-A LOT of impulse shopping. You guys enable each other. Although you quickly realize that you impulse shop for each other. Every second day you end up bringing each other gifts and laughing about it after.

Leviathan:

-Y'know that arm thing two neurodivergent people do when they find out that the other person is neurodivergent? Yeah you two did that. And still continue to do that. It's your greeting now.

-You two spend tons of time either cuddling and talking about your special interests together, or both of you are pacing around Levi's room talking about your special interests together.

-And if you end up having the same special interest?? Oh man the serotonin you two both get just being AROUND each other.

-If you have a hard time around tons of people (in general or just at certain times) he's more than willing to share his room with you and for you two to do online school together. I mean hey, doing school by yourself online is difficult. (Even if it's more comfortable for you both)

-Will he get you a matching pair of noise cancelling headphones if you have auditory sensory issues, or if you just like the pressure on your head. (I don't know if that's a neurodivergent thing but I will wear my headphones just so that I feel some sort of pressure on my head)

-You both communicate what you need, and whether you need alone time or not. Making sure not to trigger any form of rejection sensitivity dysphoria for eachother.

Satan:

-If you were one of those neurodivergent kids that spent all of their time in the library, going through books like wildfire in middle school, get ready for that to be reignited.

-You two will read together all the time, and if you're having a day where you're more fidgety and don't wanna stay still, Satan is more than happy reading to you while you pace around.

-Satan has a natural curiosity, and loves to learn about anything that he doesn't already know about. So if you have a special interest about your own neurodivergency, he is more than happy to listen to you ramble about your life experiences and symptoms.

-Honestly, it doesn't even have to be about neurodivergency, Satan is happy to listen and learn about anything you're interested currently.

-If you aren't big on physical affection from humans or, well... humanoid people, that's perfectly fine! That's what animals are for! He'll take you to a cat cafe and will enjoy spending time with the animals with you.

-Similar to Lucifer, if anyone makes a comment about the way you act, they wont live to see another day. Unlike Lucifer, the demons who say these comments don't even finish their sentence. They're dead before MC blinks.

Asmodeus:

-When Asmodeus finds out that you have sensory issues that affect what you wear, he decides to hand-make clothes with fabrics of your choice. He has no issue with you prioritizing comfort over appearance, but if you want to put effort into your appearance and texture is stopping you, he's more than happy to design some stuff for you.

-Asmodeus has always been a touchy person, but if you aren't comfortable with that he'd never force you to cuddle. If you are interested in physical affection one of his favourite things to do is put makeup on your face, or just touch your face.

-Speaking of which, if you ever impulsively cut your hair whether it be from breakdown, normal impulsivity, or sensory issues with your hair being longer. He'll always help you cut your hair. He wants to make sure that once you cut it, you wont regret it the next day.

-Depending on whether you like going outside or not (or if its depending on the day) he's more than happy to take you to the fall! He'll make sure you're always comfortable and if you need the attention diverted from you if you need a break!

-If you don't like going outside, Asmo will dedicate certain nights for just you two to hang out. He can always energy match you. Hyperactive? Oh he's right there with you bouncing of the walls. Calmer? He doesn't mind just vibing with you. Comfort? Oh you've come to the right guy.

-Asmodeus is very emotionally intelligent, it may have originally been for the wrong purposes (charming others) but now he can use it to help you work through issues with socializing with others, past traumas from other people, he'll always do his best to support you as long as you'd do the same for him!

Beelzebub:

-Beel is always well meaning, but whether you're neurodivergent or neurotypical, communication is key with him. So, if you're unintentionally blunt to neurotypical people, that's exactly what Beel needs and wants. He knows you don't mean it out of harm, you're just trying to state your boundaries.

-Do you need a weighted blanket? This man will become the weighted blanket. He wants to make sure you're comfortable at all times!

-If you have trouble eating, Beel is here to help. If you take meds for ADHD and they make you lose your appetite, or just general forgetfulness, he'll remind you to have at least some sort of small snack throughout the day. Nothing too filling, just enough so that you aren't running on zero food throughout the day.

-All the go-to and comfort foods that you had in the human world? Beel would make it his MISSION to get them, and TONS of it too. It's the only food in the house he wont eat because he knows how important it is to you. He will tear up a bit if you offer to share though.

-If you're in a hyperactive mood, or anxious, Beel will convince you to do some light exercise with him to help calm you down

Belphegor:

-If you have trouble sleeping, Belphie will definitely try and help. Ranging from cuddling, aroma therapy, getting Beel to do exercise with you. To more magical means (if you're comfortable with it) like sleeping powder.

-If you just have a different internal clock than the average person, that's fine too! It may be permanent but that's okay- Belphie will sleep at any time with you.

-Isn't generally a social person so if you're not that big of a fan of social interaction you don't have to worry. Belphie would even do online school with you!

-He would let you use his pillows and blankets to stim if that's something you're interested in. He'd also listen to you ramble about your interests while doing so! As long as you don't mind him talking about the stars afterwards.

-Definitely the most blunt out of his brothers, so communication wouldn't be an issue between you two. If his bluntness is a bit too harsh for you he'll try to tone it down a bit, but it would probably just end up as him trying to explain the reasoning behind the bluntness and how it's not out of harm.

[queerautism]

hello! love ur blog btw and im here for the ask game thing.

im autistic and have ptsd so i already consider myself disabled in that regard but i only recently started to accept that i was also physically. i feel a Dull pain pretty much all the time, mostly in my finger joints, wrists, back, shoulders, neck, hips, and sometimes my ankles. my feet and hands are sensitive to cold and they also fall asleep super easy which is annoying. when i walk for long periods of time by body starts to hurt more.. just to name a few symptoms

i recently got a cane to help when i need to walk a lot, and weed also helps calm the pain too. but ive never gone to a doctor about my chronic pain bc im used to being invalidated bc im fat. pain in my side when i walk? need to exercise more. cant get past round 10 of the pacer test? youre just fat and thats why. literally anything weakness or pain or fatigue?? you need to lose weight. all my life my parents would hound me about my weight as if they werent the ones feeding me all the fast food i was eating.

now that im older and i dont live with them anymore, i feel more comfortable accepting myself being "physically impaired", i still dont use 'disabled' bc im actually very mobile and energetic in short bursts, which is probably a silly cop-out, but yeah. my parents also have no idea i have a cane and im gonna show up to their house with it this summer bc idrc what they think anymore lolz (they treat me with more kindness and respect nowadays so i feel safe doing this dw)

anyway thank u for being a kewl blogger rouke much luv <3

Hey thanks! <3 Honestly it does sound like you're physically disabled, and i know theres a disorder where the cold hands and feet and falling asleep stuff is very common, but cant remember the name right now. Im sorry doctors are so fatphobic i fucking hate it. Well done on getting a cane though!!!! Thats amazing 💜

[mckinlily]

ok so i am love with your writing and your foster care au (it’s so good!!!) and i wanted to ask if you had any other headcanons/deleted scenes/puns or basically anything related to it. (no pressure if you don’t but your writing is incredible and i adore this au so i wanted to ask)

Oh my goodness, Nonnie!! Do I have more for the foster care au? Do I??? My dear friend, I have a two page document just listing out fics I still want to write in this au, and I've only written two out of the list. How did the au get this big?! [laugh-cries]

Honestly, the hardest part of answering your ask is deciding which headcanons to share verses wait to write it into fic to share in a more polished state. I want to share it all, but I am not a fast writer (why????).

I working on a longer Allura-centeric fic for this au (you didn't think I'd leave her OUT did you?), but it's causing me some pacing issues so I've been working on that one for...like a year? More? [deep sigh] I WILL finish it. But you, Nonnie, will be happy to know that you also inspired me to go through the edits of a Hunk-centric oneshot which is finished. So that should be coming out soon!

But you asked for some headcanons, and I am so incredibly delighted by that! (I thought I was going to be the only person really interested in this au). So let's see what headcanons I can share, hopefully that I haven't shared before.

These are going to be Shiro-centric since...that's where my mind went today (anyone surprised?):

Shiro's main (only) method for dealing with his mental health is exercise.

He and Keith will go for runs around the neighborhood, even if it's bitter cold and the sidewalks are literal sheets of ice. Self preservation was never a strong suit of theirs.

The others are invited, of course, but they always decline for some reason. Or, in Pidge's case, declare they are "allergic to running."

(In Pidge's defense...valid.)

Shiro also works out at the local gym nearly daily.

He's found that if he does things like weight training regularly, particularly working on his off-balance upper body, his body punishes him at least less for whatever the hell Honvera did to him.

But, obviously, they're poor and can't just afford a gym membership.

Fortunately Shiro is hot, the middle-aged secretary at the gym is severely lacking attractive men in her life, and Shiro is a very good liar.

The first time he made a big deal about losing his card and belonging there--and whether she believed him or not, she lets him in without checking his account every time after that. Though not without some winks or suggestive smiles.

Shiro goes red. Every. Single. Time.

The kids tease him about it mercilessly. Shiro very well might never have been as embarrassed in his life.

But, well, he needs the work out time to clear his head. And he could never afford it if he had to pay for it.

So...slightly flirtatious secretary it is. At least she seems to find his blushing cute. Oh g-d, does that make it better or worse?!!

Shiro and the kids have very elaborate and often nonsensical codes they use to communicate with each other, including over text.

The most ridiculous codewords and phrases were made up by Lance and Pidge. No one dares ask for their thought process.

"Strawberry pancakes" for instance means "I want to skip school."

Most the code talk seems silly and non-sensical until you start to realize why they started coming up with such complicated ways to communicate with each other.

Shiro curling three fingers over his opposite bicep, for instance, means, "I'm lying to the adults, don't believe me." There are variations on the gesture that mean "Stay quiet" or "Collaborate my story" or "Hide" or, most importantly, "RUN!"

In truth, their non-verbal codes are probably even more complex and convoluted than their verbal ones. They lived for a long time when they needed to be able to communicate without anyone knowing that they were.

On the other hand, this makes them a terrifying team to go up against in, say, paint ball or laser tag. Someone starts singing "Toxic" by Britney Spears, and seconds later you're surrounded by all five and being efficiently, terrifyingly taken down.

(Keith: "I'm still mad you made me learn that song." Lance: "I regret nothing.")

Thank you so much for the ask!!! You have no idea how delighted this made me. If you have specific questions/headcanon requests for this au (or really any of my aus), send them along! I'm happy to answer!

[olivia-anderson-fanfic]

Alt Ending, Part 5

Hot take but finals kinda suck

First part

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Tag: @solangelo252

You’d think her body would be grateful that she was finally giving it food, but no. She put it in her mouth and instantly felt nauseous. It didn’t even want to go down her throat, and keeping it there felt basically impossible.

But Tim had looked so happy when she had tried, so she forced it down.

(Well, she forced some of it down. If he noticed that a good amount of the food she brought to her mouth actually disappeared into the sleeves and folds of her dress he didn’t say anything.)

Tim started coming by three times a day with food after that. She didn’t complain despite her discomfort, she had really missed him.

Also, he looked stressed out and/or exhausted whenever she saw him. She worried about him. They both had a tendency to overwork themselves when they hit blocks, hell she’d sometimes joined him in his week-long deep dives into cases, but now that she was an outsider looking in… she was kind of shocked she’d ever let it get that far for either of them. When was the last time he’d slept through the night? Taken proper time to clean himself, even? A while, she guessed from the deep bags under his eyes and the way his hair was frayed from running his fingers through it.

“Timmy,” she chirped.

He flashed her a tiny smile. “Hey,” he said, coming over and taking a seat beside her on the bed.

She took the bag from him and set it aside, much to his dismay, but then she reached over and dragged him into some cuddles and he suddenly had new concerns. He groaned into her shoulder.

“Bean, come on, I don’t want to sleep.”

She didn’t let go. “You need to.”

“Don’t have time.”

She rolled her eyes, bringing a hand up to start attempting to smooth out his hair. “You have to sleep eventually.”

“And I do!”

She didn’t answer, which he took to mean she didn’t believe him (a good assumption, she didn’t).

“I do! I get at least a few hours a week.”

“Wow, amazing. I take it back. You totally have a healthy sleep schedule.”

“Worry about yourself, first. You don’t sleep either,” he huffed, but he was starting to relax into her hold nonetheless.

“I’m also literally dead.”

“You used to say you’d sleep when you were dead.”

Marinette scoffed. “Well, to be fair, I thought I’d actually die when I died.”

He gave a short laugh, and she opted not to acknowledge that it was a little forced.

She yawned and laid back with his face in her shoulder. “I’m surprised none of the others have drugged you to get you to sleep yet.”

“They’re too busy drugging B --.” He winced just slightly. “They’ve just got a lot on their plates is all, I’m the least of their worries.”

She didn’t say anything about his tiny slip up, just gave a light hum to say she understood.

She didn’t dare to move until she was completely sure he had nodded off. Even then, she only did so to pick up the food he’d brought for her.

Her nose scrunched a little at the prospect of eating, but when she opened it and saw it was fried rice she perked up a little. She nibbled at her food.

Honestly, she didn’t know if it was working. It seemed to be, but then again most of the things that got better could be attributed to other causes. Her skin was gaining color again, but the bleach may have just started to wear out. She was feeling more energized, but then again she was now getting a total of four cups of coffee a day thanks to Tim and Jason fueling her addiction. Exercise was getting easier and she was packing on muscle again, but she was also working out enough with Dick for it to be explainable that way…

She didn’t know if it was working. She didn’t even know if she WANTED it to work. The plan had been ‘kill Bruce and then quickly off yourself before the others can react’ and not having an instant out was kinda problematic when it came to finishing that plan.

Not that the first part of that plan was working out for her, either. Bruce still hadn’t come to see her. She doubted he ever would at this point.

She didn’t even have a way out, as the door was automated and presumably opened by someone outside.

No. The only way she would ever leave was if she managed to ‘fix’ herself, and that wasn’t happening because there was nothing to fix! She would know. Her entire thing as Ladybug was fixing things.

She looked down at Tim. When he slept all the little wrinkles in his forehead smoothed to make him look much younger. She smiled a little at the sight, pressing a kiss to where she knew the creases usually were.

At least, even if her situation couldn’t be helped, she could still help others.

~

She’d come to expect a routine of sorts, so the moment it was broken even slightly her brain short-circuited.

Duke stood in the doorway as usual, but when she glanced past him…

“Where’s Cass?”

His grin disappeared a little, but he pulled his back to his face with ease. “Wow, I’m really feeling the love here, Mari.”

She rolled her eyes. “Please, we both know Cass is the best person to ever exist.”

Duke nodded his agreement and came over to take a seat next to her. She cozied up to him as usual, curled under his arm as he pulled up their newest show on his laptop…

She had a lot of thoughts about Cass being missing.

On the one hand, she just missed her friend’s too-warm body pressed up against her and quiet complaints about how the actors were doing it all wrong.

On the other hand… Marinette was completely aware that they had Cass stopping by as much as she did to check on Marinette, to see if they were making any real progress with her. Cass was a human lie detector, able to detect when someone was going to be dishonest before they’d even realized it themselves, and they’d be stupid not to take advantage that. So, the fact that they were no longer making Cass drop in as often… either they thought she was doing better, or that she never would do better.

Marinette hoped it was the first. She knew it was the second.

She found it harder than usual to enjoy Duke’s snide comments about how dumb and cliche some of the characters were. She turned and pressed her face into his side. The glasses on the bridge of her nose dug into her skin.

Fuck. She was never getting out of there, was she?

She felt his free hand come up to run through her hair and she sighed.

“Duke…”

He pressed pause on the show.

“Tim told me you’re a meta, that you can control light. Can you do it for me?”

There was a beat.

“Why do you ask?”

She laughed a little. “Does it matter? Can’t I just be curious about why my favorite brother didn’t even bother to tell me that he has powers?”

“I thought you already knew. It’s common knowledge.”

She huffed. “Maybe I just prefer to be told things than meticulously look through every piece of information to figure it out.”

“What kind of bat are you?” He joked.

She winced and the hand in his shirt balled it just a fraction tighter. She didn’t respond.

There was a few seconds before he sighed and moved his hand from his hair to her chin, gently pulling her face out of where it was hidden in his side. She refused to meet his eyes.

It was silent again, neither of them sure what to say.

“Here,” he said after a moment, putting his free hand out and making light dance across his palm.

Her face lit up, literally and figuratively, at the sight of the tiny ball of light. She leaned a little closer.

“Aw, it looks like a tiny sun!”

He laughed a little. “Yeah. I can also…”

There was a moment of silence as he concentrated and the tiny ball of light split into the colors of the rainbow. She giggled, reaching out to cup his hand in hers. It was the first non-artificial light she’d seen in months, the first rainbow she’d seen since… Paris, actually.

Well, even if she wouldn’t ever see the outside world again, at least she could still have this little fake sun. It was basically the same, just as good, she told herself. She ignored the tears rolling down her cheeks that were telling her otherwise.

~

She tossed the plastic spoon she’d stolen from one of her meals in the air idly.

The plan had been to turn it into Baby’s First Shank but that probably wasn’t going to work out. Pen to the throat was at about a .01% chance of working, attacking him with a spoon-knife needed a few more zeroes added to that already insanely small number. She gave it a .000000001% chance at best.

Then again, the other option was trying to strangle someone who had an insane height and weight advantage to death before someone else could interfere...

She sighed to herself and put the spoon in her teeth, starting to pull.

She didn’t get very far before she heard the metallic whoosh of the door opening and she barely glanced up to see Dick.

He stared at her from the doorway, his eyebrows slowly raising as he watched her attempt to bite an edge into a spoon of all things.

She pulled it from her mouth with a ‘pop’.

“I think your eyebrows are trying to escape,” she told him.

He blinked at her before rolling his eyes and walking inside fully. “Thanks for the assist. Would have lost them otherwise,” he said sarcastically.

“I’ve seen you lose your phone three minutes after putting it down, Dickie, I wouldn’t put it past you.”

He gasped and rested a hand over her heart. “You think that low of me?”

“Lower. I was being nice.”

Dick pouted and walked over to the bed. She didn’t think much of it until he was diving onto her stomach. She put her hands out in an attempt to soften the blow, but it wasn’t enough to save her. She groaned in pain as his extremely hard head made contact with her not-so-hard stomach.

“FUCK. This is why your parents called you Dick, y’know!”

He only laughed at her.

Despite herself, she gave him a smile.

She rested her head back in the pillows for a moment (mostly just to catch all the breath she’d lost) before pushing him off. “Ready?”

He groaned into her comforter before rolling onto the floor. “‘Kay.”

Marinette grinned as she took a seat beside him, starting her usual stretches. He pushed himself up to sit with minimal groaning and started working on his shoulders.

It was quiet for a while as they stretched.

Marinette bit the inside of her cheek and kept her eyes on her foot when she spoke next: “Dick?”

She could feel his gaze on her.

“I… can I have some more stuff? Everything here is so boring. I just… I want new things to do. Or, at least, new things to look at.”

There was a long silence between them. Anxiety bubbled under her skin. She switched legs so she could gauge his expression through her bangs. His expression was carefully neutral.

She cringed.

“Obviously I’m not ungrateful! You guys have all been really nice and accommodating! I get food and a phone and, honestly, that’s fine --!”

“Mari!”

Her mouth snapped closed.

“It’s fine. You don’t have to apologize. Anyone would be bored here. I can talk to them. It’ll probably depend on what you want.”

She finally looked at him properly, eyes wide. She really hadn’t been expecting that to work.

He slowly pulled his legs to him to sit criss-cross applesauce, head resting on his hand. “I can probably get some baking things, a sketchbook, just blunt objects in general. Deadly, but not before someone could get there.”

Marinette nodded her understanding, a smile making its way across her face.

“You’re the best.”

“You constantly say Duke and Cass are the best.”

She was torn between agreeing with herself and flattering him. Since she wanted something, she decided on flattery: “That was, like, a few hours ago. I’ve grown since then. You’re my favorite now, Dickie.”

“Can I get that as my ringtone?”

“Only if you only use it to mess with Jay.”

“Deal.”

They shook on it.

~

The door whoosed open and she barely moved her head to look at it.

She froze.

Bruce?

No. No way. There was no way in hell.

But was there? Cass HAD stopped coming. Maybe she had somehow convinced them that everything was working out and everything was fine.

Marinette hadn’t done anything differently, though, so that probably wasn’t it…

Oh. Oh shit.

Maybe she was actually going insane. Because there was no way the bats would have made that kind of mistake by letting Bruce in when she was still intent on murdering him. He had to be a hallucination, because nothing else really made sense. Kwami, Tim was going to be SO smug about this one.

Actually, no, he didn’t have to know.

Her gaze slipped away from Fake Bruce and back to the dots on her ceiling. Because, as everyone knows, that if you don’t acknowledge hallucinations they go away…

“Marinette,” Fake Bruce said, trying to trick her into outing herself as losing it.

“Marinette,” he tried again, starting his way over.

She did her best to ignore the footsteps and the way the bed shifted when he sat down. No wonder schizophrenics fell for this shit, this was all so real…

Except... weren’t schizophrenics not supposed to be able to tell what was real and what wasn’t? Wouldn’t her knowing (thinking?) he was fake be an indication that he was actually real? Or was that just her mind trying to justify believing it?

Marinette bit inside of her cheek and let herself look at Fake Bruce again.

He cracked a smile for her. A hand reached over and pushed some hair away from her face. “Hey,” he said.

She hesitated.

It would suck if this all was fake, the others would get confirmation and she really wouldn’t have a way out. But if it was real then this was her only shot. If it was real Cass would be watching the cameras to see what she was thinking and she would know for sure that Marinette was still intent on killing Bruce…

Fuck.

Marinette pushed herself into a sitting position and looked Maybe-Bruce up and down before grabbing him by the front of his suit and pulling him into a hug. Tears pricked the corners of her eyes when he hugged her back.

“Fake.”

The man tensed underneath her and then sighed as he pulled back.

He gave her an awkward smile. “I’m sorry, Marinette.”

She shook her head slightly and fell back. With a flick of her wrists the knife she’d created out of her plastic spoon was in her hands and she absently tossed it at the hallucination. Either it would make him disappear or it would look like it stabbed him and she could pretend that it actually happened.

But then it didn’t do either of those things.

Her eyebrows knit together when the spife shattered upon impact.

He looked unconcerned as he gently swept all the pieces into his hand and then put them in his pockets.

“The fuck?”

“Language,” he chided lightly.

She grinned. “You really need to work on your ‘Bruce’. Accepting a hug that quickly is one thing but chiding someone for language? In OUR family? I’m pretty sure he gave that up by Jason.”

The man chuckled and shook his head. “I’m Superman.”

“Oh.” She blinked a few times before shrugging to herself. “Okay. You look just like Bruce. It’s kinda creepy.”

“Yeah, trust me, we know. It’s pretty helpful, though. One time a person tried to assassinate Bruce and ended up fighting me. It wasn’t their day.”

She smiled a little, but it didn’t last very long. She fell back in her pillows and glared at the ceiling. “This sucks.”

“I’m sorry this all happened to you. You’re just a kid.”

She rolled her eyes. She’d long-since given up on denying that something had happened to her. Not because she no longer believed it, but because it wasn’t worth the effort. No one ever believed her when she said it.

(Could she blame them? No. She almost believed it herself just a few moments before. Still annoying, though.)

Instead of saying any of that, though, she brought a grin to her face.

“You and B should switch houses for April Fools. See if anyone notices anything.”

~

She really should have noticed something was up when her coffee didn’t energize her at all.

It had all been going fine. She was making Jason dispose of all the pieces of food she’d used sleight of hand to get away with not eating (she was still a little bitter about him stealing her pen and this was the most she could really do to get back at him, compromised as she was). They made idle conversation, mostly just about how Damian had got himself a new pet cat that he had named BatCat (though, apparently, they had heard him slip up and call him Charles a few times). They debated over how good that name was and the merit of Jason’s suggestion -- BatPussy, of course -- as she drank her third cup of coffee of the day.

It was about halfway through her drink that she began to notice that something was off. She squinted at Jason suspiciously.

“Decaf?” She asked, her voice worryingly sweet.

He raised his eyebrows and tried to look unimpressed despite stepping back a good half-step. “Please, if it was decaf classical conditioning still would’ve made it work at least a little.”

She opened her mouth to retort, then realized he was right. Or, at least, she was pretty sure. She couldn't seem to think of anything against it.

She frowned, looking down at her drink again and swirling the contents around. She drank the rest of it, trying to figure out why exactly it wasn’t working.

Was she already at the point where caffeine had little effect on her again? She didn’t think she was that bad yet… hell, she probably couldn’t be because she was depending on others to give her her fix…

She shook her head slightly and then quickly realized that was a bad idea. Pain stabbed through her skull and she stumbled into Jason. The plastic thermos slipped from her fingertips and went rolling across the floor. Her head crashed into his chest and arms were quick to wrap around her.

“You got shitty coffee, try a different place next time,” she murmured, closing her eyes.

He laughed a little. “Yeah, okay, kid. I’ll be sure to do that.”

She nodded as much as her headache would allow and felt the arms around her slip down to pick her up. She blinked her eyes open blearily and regretted it when the light attempted to murder her via knife to the head.

Heh. Little light particles with little knives.

Wait.

Did she get a concussion? Somehow? Without getting hit?

She buried her face in his shoulder and it was then, as he set her in bed and tucked her in, that she realized what had happened.

“Bitch,” she murmured above whatever drug they had put in her drink.

He pressed a kiss to the crown of her head and she could do little more than scrunch up her nose and vaguely wave him off. Her eyes fell closed again.

~

Marinette woke up a while later.

The first thing she noticed was that the lights were dimmer, something she didn’t have to open her eyes to see because her head wasn’t pounding as much.

Then she realized a person was with her. They had entwined themselves around her, tangled their limbs with hers. They needn’t have bothered, everything felt like lead. She wouldn’t be moving for quite some time.

… why was she being held down? Oh no. That was probably bad, huh?

Marinette made a sound in the back of her throat and started trying to shift away from the person pressed against her back. She needed to see who they were. They didn’t bother to tighten their hold on her, she wasn’t really getting anywhere.

In fact, a hand stopped holding her down. Instead, it came up to pet her hair.

Oh? This was nice.

A voice by her head told her it was all okay. After a moment she realized she recognized that voice. She smiled sleepily. Cass. She liked Cass. She pressed closer to her and was rewarded with a hand rubbing up and down one of her arms.

She nearly fell asleep again. Cass was safe, Marinette was safe… the warmth against her and the soothing touch… of course, it certainly helped that the drug was still in her system and she was exhausted...

But then her mind wandered back to her first question. Why WAS Cass holding her down? Why did they drug her in the first place?

She moved so her hair could block some of the light and then cautiously cracked her eyes open.

The batboys were all moving things inside almost silently. Jason was carrying an entire fridge on his own. Dick and Damian were arguing over the positioning of the table they had just brought in through angry hand motions. Tim and Duke were working together on… was that a gaming set?

And she was being held down because the door was wide open.

Marinette looked at the doorway for just a moment longer. She allowed herself to imagine getting out and swinging through the city with her lasso, allowed herself to pretend she could lay in the grass, allowed herself to believe that she could see the sun and the stars and just breathe fresh air again…

And then she closed her eyes and sunk into Cass’s grip.

What was the point in trying? Even if she could somehow beat out all six of the people in the room with her and get past whatever security Bruce had to have outside of the room all while drugged… then what? No money or idea where she was… and she’d be running from the bats of all people…

Yeah. Useless. She curled up and allowed sleep to take her again.

~

Quite a while later she woke up and blinked a few times when she realized she wasn’t the only person in bed. At first she thought it was just Cass or Tim, they were the most likely culprits, but then she realized everyone had managed to cram themselves onto the bed with her. Her and Cass had gotten brushed to the side of the bed to make space for Tim, Dick, and Damian. Jason had collapsed across the end of the bed -- presumably for space, but Duke was laying half on top of him so that obviously hadn’t worked out.

Marinette smiled faintly and buried her face back into the crook of Tim’s neck.

~

When she woke up again, most of the drug flushed from her system (somehow…?), she thought she was alone.

This was fine. She was able to stretch out and sit up.

She blinked when she saw Damian, who was sitting on her floor and playing a video game.

Huh? Video game?

She looked around her room confusedly. The bats had basically made her a one-room apartment, complete with kitchenette and a tiny study area. Of course, it was much higher quality than the apartment she’d had, with a high tech gaming system and a little dining area and holy shit that was a MINI LIBRARY?

Wild.

“You’re finally up.”

She hummed lightly as an agreement. She crawled over to the end of the bed and smiled when he handed her a twizzler. It was objectively one of the worst candies, but she liked having something to do. She twirled it in her hand idly.

“Do you think… do you think it’s working?”

She frowned confusedly and dropped off the bed to sit beside him on the second beanbag chair. She chanced a quick glance in his direction to gauge how he was feeling... his expression didn’t let anything on other than that he was thinking hard, though she was pretty sure that was about the game.

“Gonna elaborate on that?”

He clicked his tongue. “Are you going to join the Undead Robins Club?”

She grinned at him. “I wasn’t a Robin.”

“You know what I mean.”

Her smile disappeared a little and she trained her eyes on the game. “I don’t know.”

“You know we never will know for sure, right?”

She blinked. She hadn’t expected anyone to acknowledge it. They were the bats, they were never going to chance taking off her glasses because if they were wrong and she WASN’T better… well, it wasn’t the kind of mistake they could easily come back from.

“Yeah, I know,” she said after a few moments.

“Do you care?”

“Doesn't really matter if I do. It won’t change anything.”

He frowned. “That’s not answering my question.”

She bit her cheek. “I… yes. I care. It still doesn’t matter.”

He looked like he was going to argue, but instead he just went back to playing the game.

“Damiiiiiiiii…” she whined and, when he gave a vague grunt to show he was paying attention, she continued with “... shouldn’t I get to play first? It’s mine.”

“You slept in too long,” he said without looking up.

She huffed. “Only ‘cause I was drugged!”

“Unfortunate.”

She got off the beanbag chair and whacked him over the head with it. He barely acknowledged it outside of an annoyed click of his tongue.

She huffed and pulled the chair back to herself to sit again. “Is it two player?”

“Nope.”

“You’re a bitch.”

He clicked his tongue again.

She pouted for a little while longer before looking back at the screen with a smile. “... heard you got a cat named Charles. Wanna talk about him?”

Damian’s face lit up. “Can I?”

“Only if you let me play.”

He looked pained. If he gave it to her then he’d be giving her something she’d want, which was a sibling no-no, but if he didn’t then she probably wouldn’t listen to him gush about his cat. A few moments went by before he reluctantly handed over the controller.

She beamed and scooted her chair over to rest her head on his shoulder. She could feel him stiffen underneath her but, when she didn’t move again outside of what was necessary to play the game, he relaxed again.

“I thought you were going to listen,” he chided lightly when she didn’t take a break between levels.

“I can listen and play.”

Damian sighed a little and shook his head.

“You don’t have to talk about him if you don’t want --.”

“I’m getting to it! So, he’s a black cat that apparently hadn’t been adopted because everyone thought he was evil so the pet store was going --.”

~

Marinette noticed something was up the minute the door opened.

First of all, it was Duke and Damian. That’s all that really needs to be said. Those two together… it’s never a good thing.

Secondly, they were there as Signal and Robin. Most of the time the others avoided even talking about their lives as vigilantes for fear of setting her off in one way or another, but here they were showing up in their suits? No, something weird was going on.

“Hey, Mari, can we skip a fight and you just put a bag over your head and let us pick you up?” Tried Duke.

Her eyebrows furrowed. “You want to…? Huh?”

“We don’t really have much time to explain. I’ll tell you on the way.”

Damian held up a potato sack and some twine, which really wasn’t all that encouraging.

She hesitated. “... what’s something only you two would know?”

“Really?” Said Damian with more than a little exasperation.

“Hey, we’re all bats here. I’m not moving until you prove you’re who you say you are.”

(Technically, if they were really Duke and Damian, they could fight her and do it anyways. She probably couldn't beat both of them at once. Still, that kind of fight would hurt all of them and she really didn’t want to have to do it at the moment.)

Duke hesitated before shrugging. “Your favorite ice cream flavor is mint. Which I don’t understand. Just brush your teeth if you like that taste so much.”

Marinette rolled her eyes. “Alright, you’re who you say you are. Robin?”

“… early on I lied and said that Nightwing’s real hero name was actually BatNightwing to mess with you both.”

She frowned. “I forgot about that. You’re a dick.”

“No, Nightwing’s a Dick. He’s a Damian.”

Marinette was THIS CLOSE to fighting them anyways.

But she didn’t. She was kinda curious about where all this was going. So, she allowed them to bind her hands and slip a bag over her head. Arms wrapped around her -- she didn’t really care who it was -- and she was lifted off the ground. Then, they were walking.

Part of her wondered if this was some kind of test. They were checking to see how compliant she was or how likely she would be to run once outside. Maybe they had Superman on call in case she tried to escape.

She really couldn’t tell.

She didn’t think that they had any reason to take her out of the perfectly safe and well-stocked place they had put her in.

Maybe her location had been compromised and they were moving her to a backup? No, that didn’t make sense. Duke made sense for transport, Damian didn’t. Damian was one of the worst fighters in the family (he was in no way BAD at fighting, of course, it was just a byproduct of being in the game the shortest amount of time and not being a meta) and he was the second most likely person to end up fighting her after Jason. What the fuck?

Wait, Duke said he’d explain on the way.

“What’s going on?”

“New idea on how to bring you back,” said Duke simply.

Well, she guessed that was more information than she’d previously had. She’d take it for now.

She heard a quiet whooshing noise and frowned confusedly, only to feel herself get set down… somewhere. She felt carpeting underneath her, which meant she was in… a house? No. A car, she thought as she noticed the quiet hum of an engine. She’d been put in the fucking trunk. She kicked out as much as she could without knowing exactly where they were and gave a cry of protest, but then the lid was clicked over her head and she was thrown into uncomfortably complete silence.

She scowled to herself. She shouldn’t have thrown her spife at Superman, it would have been really useful right then. She tested the bindings against her hands and winced at how tight they were. Did they really use zip ties? Those were notoriously bad for circulation.

… oh. Yeah. She was dead. That actually wasn’t that bad, then.

Still annoying. Hard to get out of. Assholes. She wondered if it was worth dislocating her arms…

Yeah. Probably. If she could get out then she would be OUT.

She flipped herself onto her stomach. She pulled her feet up to her arms and then started pushing back. Her body strained in protest and she bit down on the front of the bag over her head to stop herself from making any sounds.

And then she felt a pop in her left shoulder and a flare of pain and the makeshift gag wasn’t enough to hold back her sobs. Her arm throbbed and it was only made worse when they reached the city proper and the roads started getting choppy. Every little bump in the road sent a new wave of pain rolling through her and all she could do was ride it out.

They started hitting smoother roads what felt like hours later... it was kind of concerning because she had no clue where they could be, those were uncommon in Gotham, but at least she no longer felt like she was going to die every few seconds.

She took a few seconds to bring her breathing back to normal before she started slowly wiggling her arms out under her butt and legs and then they were in front of her. Great. She picked herself up as much as she could in the tiny space, checked her angle mentally, relaxed her muscles, and then dropped down on her shoulder to get it back in place.

She breathed out a sigh of relief. It felt weird and still kind of hurt but at least it was mostly better.

She pulled the bag off of her head and relished in the slightly fresher air.

She looked down at the zip ties on her wrists and she sighed a little. Time to do that hack that looked stupid but actually worked if the kidnappers were stupid enough to leave you alone.

She brought her feet up, untied the laces of her shoes, and tied them back around the ties. Then she set to work trying to saw at the zip tie.

She paused when she heard the low rumbling of a plane. Were they near an airport? Oh. That was going to be a problem. She went faster.

Unfortunately, Marinette didn’t get very far before there was a click and the trunk opened.

She cried out in pain at the sudden light and squeezed her eyes shut, turning to press her face into the carpeted interior.

Hands grabbed her and pulled her out of the trunk. Before she could do much to look around so she could get her bearings and make herself a portal, the bag was forced over her head again and a strong grip on her arm (the good one, thankfully) kept her from pulling it off again. Then someone knelt in front of her and fixed her shoelaces.

“Really, NightMare?” Duke said, unimpressed.

“In my defense, I was left unsupervised.”

Damian scoffed.

Someone picked her up again and she sighed as they carried her along. They were definitely at an airport. She could hear people milling about. She was sure it was Gotham, too; she could feel a few stares, but most people seemed comfortable with the vigilantes among them.

Then came the normal airport stuff. Walking. Some arguing over whether she counted as luggage or if she could go through the metal detector with them. Sitting. A little chatting with civilians. More walking. More sitting. Very light chatter, just formalities and asking for drinks (Duke, who she figured out was the person carrying her, slipped a box of orange juice up her bag so she could have something). And then they were in the air.

After some time in the air the bag and zip ties were removed. She kept her eyes closed to let them adjust to light naturally and instead focused on rubbing feeling back into her hands.

One English alphabet later, she opened her eyes.

They were in a private plane (or was it a jet?), which explained why it was as quiet as it was. Damian was drinking a glass of water and reading something on his phone. Duke was nibbling at some complimentary pretzels and working a Rubix Cube. They both glanced in her direction from time to time, but they seemed pretty confident that she couldn’t do anything while they were in the air (which was true, but annoying).

She looked around a little more and found that there were no other bats.

“Um… where’re…?” She trailed off, unsure.

They stopped glancing in her direction, ignoring her and her question. The frown that had been on her face since pretty much when they’d first taken her from the room deepened.

“Do they… do they know what’s going on?”

The silence spoke volumes.

She rested her head in her hand. “I’m going to need something stronger than a juice box for this.”

Duke sighed but called a friendly looking woman inside to get her some wine. Marinette and Duke sipped at a glass each (Damian wasn’t allowed any, something Marinette took a little too much joy in). She scrutinized the two over the rim of her glass.

“Are you going to explain or let me guess? Because letting me guess is going to end up with me assuming you’re doing something way worse than you actually are.”

Damian sighed a little. “It’s hard to explain.”

“We’re in a plane. I’m going to guess we have time. Start talking.”

“We drugged them all -- except Orphan, she’s just out doing patrols and won’t know what’s going on for a good few hours -- and grabbed you.”

Duke gave Damian a pleading look to make him continue for them.

Damian, reluctantly, put down his phone to talk. “Signal and I have an idea on how to bring you back from the dead. The others won’t like it, especially not Red Hood, so we’re making the executive decision to not ask.”

Marinette didn’t know a lot about when Jason had been resurrected, it was a sensitive subject so it was avoided pretty much at all costs. All she’d gathered was that it was a rather messy experience for everyone involved.

She rested her head on her hand and then looked back down at her drink. She snatched the bottle from the table and, when Duke protested, set him a glare and started drinking directly from it. They were actually going to bring her back through probably shady means. She was NOT drunk enough for this shit.

~

She got stuffed in a suitcase when they left, which was extremely insulting (and a little embarrassing, if she were honest).

She rested her head against the side of the suitcase and listened to the dull thrum of people talking on the other side. She vaguely recognized the language, both Nino and Damian both spoke it when frustrated, but the words were all Greek to her.

Well, they were all Arabic, but you get the point.

~

She didn’t even realize she had been asleep until she was awoken. Rather abruptly. The zipper for the suitcase was opened and she tumbled out. Marinette cursed in French as she hit the ground and laid there, her entire body aching from not moving for so long. She hadn’t known her face could get pins and needles, she wished she could go back to her blissful ignorance.

“Are you sure about this? You want to save her?” A woman’s voice said above her, sounding a little skeptical.

Marinette forced herself to roll over so she could glare at whoever it was, she knew when she was being insulted, and then she blinked up at the new person.

A tall woman with dark skin and hair and a body to die for stood above her, hands on her hips.

“Holy shit, Dami. You got terrible genes. She’s gorgeous and you’re… you? What?”

Duke hid laughter behind his hand and Damian scoffed.

Amusement flickered behind Talia’s ‘I could kill you before you could even scream’ expression. “I’ve changed my mind. I like her.”

“Cool,” said Marinette as she quickly pushed herself to her feet. Her body wasn’t ready for that, but that was the least of her concerns. The pretty lady was ushering her along and Marinette wasn’t going to hold her up if she could help it.

“How did you die?” Talia said, which was an interesting choice for conversation.

Marinette shrugged, though, unconcerned. “I don’t know, really, there wasn’t this ‘oh, wow, I’m dead’ moment. My guess is I either drowned in acid or died of dehydration at some point. Does it change anything or…?”

“No. Just curious.”

“Oh. Good.”

“... do you not know why you’re here?” Asked Talia carefully after a moment’s contemplation.

Marinette shook her head. “Nah, they’ve been avoiding telling me. I assume it’s painful.”

“... yes. Very.”

The four lapsed into silence after that.

Marinette felt weirdly on edge as they walked through the facility, her hands rubbing the goosebumps that were prickling along her arms. The further they walked, the more on edge she felt. They were approaching something unnatural, something so undeniably WRONG, and she needed to GO.

But Damian and Duke were behind her, probably sensing her unease, and running ahead would only get her there faster… so she walked.

She bit the inside of her cheek in an attempt to ground herself.

But, the moment they stepped into the room, she froze.

Green water. That apparently hurts.

Acid.

“FUCK.”

Duke was ready for her to run, apparently, stood in front of the only exit and ready for a fight before she could even get a full step away from the hell that awaited her.

“No no no no no no wait it’s fine I actually don’t mind being dead it’s fine guys please --.”

Damian grabbed her arms and she choked out a sob,

“Damian god damn it I was kidding about the mom thing you’re perfectly attractive or whatever I promise I really didn’t think it would hurt you that much we don’t need to do this let’s tALK IT OUT --!”

“It’s not about that --!”

Duke managed to get a hold on one of her legs and lifted and all she had to struggle against either of them was a foot and she was SO fucked --.

“PLEASE DUKE PLEASE I DON’T KNOW WHAT I DID BUT I PROMISE I CAN BE BETTER YOU DON’T HAVE TO DO THIS PLEASE PLEASE LET ME GO I’LL BE FINE WE CAN FIGURE SOMETHING OUT PLEASE --.”

Talia grabbed her last leg and she sobbed as she thrashed around uselessly. They started dragging her towards the acid. Nothing to do no way to run no help in sight no --.

“PLEASE! I PROMISE I’LL BE BETTER PLEASE JUST LET ME GO!”

And they did. They let her go and she fell into the acid.

[afriendlyblackhottie]

I feel like this is an annoying question cause it rly come down to determination and everything but like girl how did you get consistent with a healthy lifestyle in terms of food and working out😩😩😩I struggle so much with staying consistent but the annoying thing is that being healthy makes me feel so much better on a daily basis but it’s just hard to keep up with it😔

Aw boo it’s not annoying at all! It was hard as hell to get to this point. I honestly would have never gotten here if it wasn’t for the Panasonic cuz I haven’t had to work and I’m not going to pretend that it wasn’t a factor for me to start this the way I did.

Sorry this is gonna be long cuz idk how to put it into shorter words but if you need to ask questions like do not be afraid to ask them. I get why it’s so hard because I’ve literally never done this before and I think that’s why I’ve been posting so much because it’s all so new to me and I feel like damn this is all it was like this is all I had to do like I’m having fun doing this you know. And I know how hard and scary it seems to start but it doesn’t have to be. Like we make things go complicated for no reason and I hate that

And it’s because we want the quick fixes which duh I can’t blame anyone for that but considering we don’t all have access to drop 10k on some lipo those quick fixes probably aren’t happening tomorrow either so the least we can do is make today count and that’s what I had to get through to myself in the first place.

First of all I had to work on my mental health first. There were things that I just never realized about myself that needed to be realized. And honestly if I hadn’t started coming on here I probably would have never gotten to this point. Like it wasn’t just the diet and the exercise it was a lot of things.

Then I found this channel

and just applied a lot of things she said (you can skip the fiber stuff. I tried it and it l didn’t notice anything different)

I usually eat between noon and 8 pm. Sometimes it’s not perfect but don’t beat yourself up too bad about it.

DRINK PROTEIN before a work out. Swear it made a difference immediately.

Do you not eat things that you don’t like. I have done a lot of stupid diets. I did keto I’ve done this other really stupid diet I almost did a stupid diet in between this but don’t do it. It’s tempting because they always promised dramatic weight loss but I promise you don’t do it eat foods that you like. 

Now what I did was substitute foods so instead of eating A baked potato, I was swap The potato out for sweet potato because a sweet potato counts towards your servings of veggies and fruits.

And I still eat out a lot but the thing is what I eat out is usually like chicken and rice so it’s really not that bad. like I don’t like salads so I don’t eat salads but a lot of diets are like all you need to eat a salad is it a salad for lunch no fuck that I hate salads.

Also those less carb tortillas were a godsend because for things that have bread sometimes I’ll substitute the bread for the tortilla and of course it’s not like fluffy like bread is but still it’s fine like it’s really not that much of a difference. Like I legit cannot eat like I used to I get so full and that’s the thing listen to your body the most. your body will tell you when you have had enough. 

Also drink water. And black coffee counts towards your water intake. I drink my morning coffee as a cold brew with caramel syrup and sea salt and it counts towards your water intake. So does the protein. And tea.

Most importantly have fun. People frame getting healthier as a chore. That was the problem for me. Because I would do stuff and I would be so bored but now that I’ve been going to the gym it genuinely feels good and I feel like I’m having fun doing the work out like it’s like a little game for me. have fun with it have fun with eating. have fun with working out. like make this an enjoyable time and that’s I think the biggest problem is we frame it as it I don’t have to do all that I just want to be able to lose the weight or I don’t have to go and work out but it feels good have fun. 

I’m telling you literally do what works for you. Do not let other people tell you to do dumb crash diet‘s or that you shouldn’t eat certain things Because for me that’s what made it harder before. Like it would be like keto like oh you can’t eat fruits what kind of diet tells you can eat fruits don’t listen to that shit that’s bad you need fruit fruit is good for you.

If you want a burger eat a fucking burger do you want fries eat fries do not let some thing tell you to not eat something you enjoy just because you’re doing a diet. Restricting yourself isn’t going to make it any easier and if anything it’s going to make you panic and you’re going to go on a bed and that’s way worse eat what you want when you want it so that later you’ve already had it and you’re like OK whatever.

I would say portion sizes are so much more important so what I try to do sometimes is to fill up more on veggies and then I will eat the stuff I enjoy after so that I’m already kind of full but then I still get the thing I want and it’s nice like a little treat. 

Also one of the things I realize is that once you start doing this your body craves less. Like outside of having the munchies I don’t really crave food like I used to. That’s why I’m telling you to not deprive yourself of things you enjoy because pretty soon you might not enjoy them that much like I don’t really care for burgers anymore actually like I can eat them but it’s not something I would pick on a day-to-day basis anymore last time I had a burger I was like eh 🤷🏾‍♀️ like you’ll see your body will change on its own just listen to it as you go.

Think of this as a journey. It isn’t going to be short and it isn’t going to be over by tomorrow but the least you can do is make sure you have fun with it. It’s not a chore and it’s not a punishment. your body is good in all forms. this isn’t about weight loss this is about changing your lifestyle so you can be the best version of what’s already there.

[hipboneregression]

tw: back on my ed bs

excuse me while i compulsively blog about my stupid and fucking relentless ED since i'm at work again and have access to a desktop computer, so i can just rant rant rant all day long instead of helping my clients like i should be

i didn't get out of bed & start "working" until noon today. i'm thoroughly depressed and my anxiety has been killing me. but at least i can recognize that there's no reason why i shouldn't be depressed or struggling right now (not that things like depression and anxiety ever need an external justification).

since october i've lost 3 people close to me or my partner - one to suicide, one unexpectedly died due to cancer, and my grandfather passed the week of christmas. my uncle was arrested for creeping on my cousins (no fucking joke) and is ripping that side of the family apart. my BIL relapsed his sobriety in a super triggering and embarassing way at a friend's party (it was HORRIBLE). and i've been struggling with infertility on top of all of that.

this last one probably sounds fucking insane, but my partner and i have been trying to have a baby since 2020. also, keep in mind, i'm a fucking old - i'm 30 years old, i own a house, i have a six figure job, i'm married, like on paper i'm a fully functional adult and no one knows i'm struggling with my ED like this atm (being a fat fuck does have its advantages, i guess). we've had no luck bc my partner has bum sperm, and i've recently found out that i have a massive polyp in my uterus that i'll have to get surgically removed, and probably also some endo on my left fallopian tube, but that'll be confirmed later.

i honestly think my struggle with infertility is what actually laid the foundation for this current relapse, especially once i began seeing an infertility specialist who seemed to give literally zero fucks that i have an extensive ED history. that doctor triggered the fuck out of me. in a way, the lapse feels justified because i do need to be at a "healthy"/"normal" weight/BMI to have a healthy pregnancy and because polyps are caused, in part, by fucking obesity. i fully plan on immediately stopping all destructive behaviors if i do ever manage to get pregnant, and practice harm reduction with strict calorie counting and portion control, but i'm taking advantage of our current situation (my surgery won't be until march, the earliest) to lose as much weight as possible. i feel horrible, but i can't wait to hear her say "good job!" when she sees my weight again.

so i'm really back on my bullshit right now, especially since the holidays are over, and everyone has COVID. i am hunkering down this month with my stupid OMAD and my stupid bone broth and my stupid peloton and i'm going to fully send it. i'm determined to hit a "normal"/"healthy" BMI by the end of the summer. I know i can do it if i just fucking stick to the program.

i feel so detached and numb from everything that's happened and i'm avoiding anything to trigger the stupid flood of emotions that i know is hiding inside of me. i don't want to feel the weight of everything that's happened, because it's too much, for literally anyone. so i'm coping the best way i know how, and that's with my ED.

what's really interesting to me is that i've seemed to fully switch EDs. i'm not engaging in any real purging behavior and i haven't binged once... (knock on wood lol). i'm not using exercise as a purging behavior and i've only taken lax once. i'm just fasting and restricting like no one's business. it's almost like restricting is so much easier. when i had exercise bullimia i was so sore and tired all the time and fucking miserable. i felt like i couldn't help but binge after my work outs for the day. with restriction, it's just a matter of not fucking eating. and *surprise* but if you don't exercise 2-3 hours a day, you don't feel like a starving fucking animal all the time. i'm fat enough rn for my body to literally just live off of my reserves with little to no issues. i hate how fucking easy this is, how effective it is, the high that i get from both being hungry and seeing the scale move down consistently for the first time in years. i feel like i've cracked some sort of cheat code.

fucking hate this shit.

xxx

[heartwerx]

Humble (albeit pointless) beginnings

I’m certainly not expecting much here. I just want a place to write and  with honesty and be seen without consequence. I miss the days of online diary community. I am unimpressed with the ones that remain. I am fully prepared though to be another Tumblr waste of time that no one really reads. I am ok with this. I just. want. to write. 

Currently: I’m listening to chill beats on spotify but before I started writing I was listening to “The Body Keeps the Score” on advise of a multitude of people who think about a lot of the things I think about. It’s long and kind of dry. It will probably take some time to finish. I have no real opinion of it yet.  I’m feeling anxious. Unsettled. Scared. And, well, like a failure, honestly. I’m not making the money I want to make, I’m not losing the weight I want to lose, I’m not exercising like I know I should. I battle with my self on the daily about eating and food and doing the things. I have to fight HARD to believe that I can do what I am trying to do. I see failure in all things I do. I’m a mess. Lately, my marriage is uninspiring at best. We are on two different paths and I’m not sure how long we’ll be able to be side by side if it keeps going. I am working day after day to change my habits and routines for the better to improve my heath and our lives. And he is too.. in fits and spurts. One day, we’re all fired up and rah-rah-rah let’s DO THIS! And, LITERALLY, the next day he’s 3 beers deep, playing video games or zoning out to some show, ignoring us, his work, the work we need to do here. Just. Everything. And every time, I fall for it, thinking when he’s motivated that some how this time he’ll stay motivated. And every got damn time, I find him passed out on the floor or worse. It’s exhausting. It’s sad. I see myself sinking again and again as the cycle continues. And sometimes I want to go. I don’t because I can’t support myself and baby girl on my own. Not yet.  And, maybe I’m making too much of it. Maybe I’m creating problems where there really aren’t. Maybe I’m using a story of resentment and blame to explode our marriage because I’m uncomfortable with being tied to someone else’s choices in the outcome of my life.  

I spin out. often. BUT I keep coming back. I keep getting back up. I fight not to sink into the depths of anxiety and depression. I fight hard to reframe my relationships before I sabotage everything. I choose, even when I believe there’s nothing to be had for me, to keep working to be better.  So, I got that going for me. ‘

I am tired though. As I’m sure so many humans are in this season of madness. The pain of my career and the health challenges that have become almost overwhelming at times shudders through me. I know it could be worse. But I’m not here to minimize what I’m feeling for the sake of sparing myself from your judgement. I’m here to be honest. I’m tired. I hurt. And yes, I will keep fighting to the absolute end. But, in the meantime. What the actual fuck? 

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #378

“come as you are, as you were, as i want you to be”

Have you ever dreamt in another language? No. How long will you try out something you don’t enjoy before giving up on it? It really depends, but in most cases, admittedly very quickly. What’s something you recently realized or discovered about yourself? *shrug* What’s the most interesting news you read or received recently? What about the most depressing? Not in a good way really, but it was certainly interesting to learn I have such severe sleep apnea. Like, I was certain I didn't. The most depressing would be uhhhh... I guess Jason's mother's death, but I don't know how "recent" you'd consider that by now. Would you let politics get in the way of a relationship? It depends. Some beliefs I absolutely would not tolerate (like anti-LGBT), others I would just agree to disagree with. What is one way in which you need to learn to control yourself? I need to get better at controlling my mouth when I'm extremely upset. Do you use a photo editor? I use Lightroom and Photoshop for photography. Is your dad overweight? No, I think he's actually underweight. Ever been honked at? Yes. What’s the name of the most recent baby a friend has had? Easton, I think? An old middle school friend had him. Have you ever taken medication to help you fall asleep faster? Yes, but they never work for me. How did your parents pick your name? I dunno. If you had to move to another country, where would you move? Canada. Do you have a balcony? No. Who is a singer that has given you chills? Man, I get chills easily with music. David Draiman from Disturbed, his cover of "Sound of Silence" is BREATHTAKING. That's number one. There are many others, they're just not coming to me at the moment. Do you have a drone? No. What was the spiciest thing you’ve ever eaten? Some wings at Buffalo Wild Wings. I got some crazy hot sauce. Have you ever discovered something gross in your food at McDonalds? No. What was the last thing you used sliced bread to make? A sandwich. How long did your shortest relationship last? Like a day lmao. Would you rather have a trampoline or swimming pool? A POOL!!!! I've talked before about how I want one so, SO very badly to exercise my legs without having to worry about sweat, and I can take a break the very moment I need to. Do you own a Snuggie? Yeah, somewhere. Do you listen to any unsigned bands/singers? Who? Yeah, quite a few on YouTube, but my favorite in Jonathan Young. He is SO damn talented. Who is your favorite video game character? Pyramid Head from the Silent Hill franchise. What kind of pictures do you post on Facebook/Instagram/Snapchat most frequently? Mostly of my pets lmao. Have you ever been on vacation with a significant other? No. Have you ever considered “unplugging”/taking a significant period of time away from technology? No. I know I'd never stick to it. Do you prefer to watch a documentary that is about a situation/event or a documentary that is more of a personal character study/biography? The latter. Meerkat Manor comes to mind with that, and everyone knows how much I adore that show. There was also one about rhesus macaques I fell in love with. Basically, I love animal docs, haha. Can you think of a recent time in which you might have been better off resisting, but you did something because you “just couldn’t help yourself”? Probably eating something. When you are getting to know someone, do you tend to worry that the other person will lose interest in you once they get to know the “real” you? Yyyyep. What is something that you would like to do, but really aren’t able to because of your location? (e.g., see art or get a certain job) Man, a lot of things. Photograph meerkats is a biggie. What sort of job do you think is best suited for your skills? Is this an in-demand position or something you’re unlikely to actually get? If I could actually handle the heat and was in good shape to traverse the outdoors, I think I'd be a great wildlife biologist. Even more though, if I could beat my social anxiety, I would ADORE being an animal educator with kids. Do you believe it is the responsibility of businesses, or prominent business leaders (think Bill Gates) to take the lead on social issues whether by using their influence or their money? Saying it's their "responsibility" sounds unfair and puts a lot of weight on their shoulders, but I do feel they should by their own volition and kindness use their position for good, such as through monetary assistance and other things. Have you ever gone to a job interview and realized that you didn’t want the job? Yep. Have you ever asked that someone sacrifice something (a habit, relationship, job, etc.) for you? A habit, yes. Looking back it was stupid as shit. What would you call your body type? Ew. Has anyone ever hacked your accounts before? Yes. Do you enjoy big holiday dinners? Considering I spend them with my sister's bigoted, homophobic, and racist in-laws, not especially. I always feel very uncomfortable and disliked among everyone for being the "black sheep" among 'em. Is your vision good? God no. Even with my glasses, it's very poor. I need a new prescription badly. Do both of your parents have jobs? Mom has something of the sort, like she cleans a local church for a small pay, but it's not really a "job." She's still recovering from cancer, getting her strength back up and such before she can handle a consistent job. Dad's had a job for as long as I've lived. What is something you’ve always wanted a boy to do for you? How heteronormative. But whatever. It's so fucking cheesy, but singing a cute song to me while slowdancing sounds so super adorable to me. What food are you craving right now? I am craving something sweet like you wouldn't believe. It's annoying. Have you ever been in a car accident? Yes. Do you have a lot of scars? Yes, but most are very negligible. I just scar extremely easily. Last person you saw other than your family? My primary doctor. Last movie you’ve seen in theaters? The The Lion King remake. Who was the last person you played a video game with? Ummm I think Girt. Last game you played at an arcade? Zero clue. What was your favorite nursery rhyme as a child? I THINK I particularly liked "The Itsy-Bitsy Spider?" None stand out strongly, though. What is your favorite cousin’s first name? I don’t have a favorite cousin. Would you prefer to travel around the world by yourself or with a friend? I think with a friend to prevent loneliness, but at the very same time, I see a great beauty in traveling on your own. Just taking new things in, seeing so many different cultures, beautiful scenery... I feel it'd be a great chance for exploration of insight. Remind yourself how small you are, that there's a much, much bigger picture than your own problems, that people are so unique but hopefully share common morals... I see a lot of poetry in it. Do you like the smell of coffee? It's one of my favorite smells. If you have a favorite photographer, can you describe their work? I can't possibly pick. I watch literally hundreds on deviantART, and many of them absolutely blow my mind. What’s one aspect of your life that did not turn out as you expected? My lack of a career. Outside of school, have you ever used a thesaurus? Well, online ones for writing. When you see a good-looking girl in skimpy clothing, what is your initial thought? I envy her confidence, like gotdamn girl. Have you ever been in a lighthouse? No. Are you on a laptop or desktop? A laptop. What color is your shower? White. Where do you order your pizza from? Domino's or Little Caesar's. What was the name of the last dog you pet? We've been calling the dog we're holding right now Zoe. Have you ever had anything stolen from you? Yes. Have you ever seen the White House? I don't think so, but it's possible I have when we've driven up to New York, but from a distance. How about Niagara Falls? No. What do you like in your salads and what dressing do you prefer? I just like regular iceberg lettuce with some bacon bits and ranch. Man, that sounds good right about now. Any posters of a band on your bedroom wall? Yeah, Metallica and Marilyn Manson. Do you think it’d be cool to have your body mummified after you die? No. I couldn't rock the mummy look even if I tried, haha. Can you tell the difference between a Scottish & an Irish accent? Not really, no. Can you read music? I used to be able to. Do you work the night shift? I don’t have a job, but if I did, I absolutely do not want to work the night shift anywhere. Have you ever slept over at your best friend’s house? Yes. Is your mother diabetic? Are you? She is, but I'm not. Would you like to learn how to make ceramic pottery? It'd be cool, sure. Ever sang someone to sleep? No. Who did you last kiss? My cat. Why did you last lie? I don't recall. Probably to just avoid confrontation with Mom. What do you put on your hamburgers? Cheese, ketchup, and mustard, generally. Who do you think cares the most about you? My mom. Have you ever sent a dirty picture? No. What’s at the center of your dining table? Honestly, we sit in there so rarely that I don't even know. I think we might have nothing, actually. Have you ever started a rumor? No. Do you like being outside? If it's cool, yes. What’s your favourite condiment? Maybe ketchup. Or honey mustard. Who sang/played the last song you listened to? Chris Motionless is the singer of Motionless In White. I don't know if that's his real last name, though. Do you like yoga? I used to. Now all the bending and shit would make me dizzy as hell with my "how are you still alive" level of low blood pressure. Do you always carry breath mints? No, but I do carry Tictacs with me, but they're for my dry mouth. It forces you to salivate, so it helps. What do you think your reaction would be upon entering the White House? I don't really know. I honestly don't even know how it looks inside. Thinking about it, I'd probably be more scared than anything, waiting for a bomb to drop or some shit lmao. Have you ever grown your own sea monkeys or dinosaurs? OH MY GOD I LOVED those!!! I definitely did! Have you ever thrown a game controller (or the game) and broke it? No, I've never been the type to do that. If I'm SERIOUSLY getting mad, all I do is tighten my grip. Did you ever own an Etch-a-Sketch? Yes. Do/did you ever have glow-in-the-dark stars on your ceiling? I believe so. What movie were you really worked up for that ended up disappointing you? My answer is Warcraft, but only because the fucking orcs' voices were so baritone that I couldn't understand them almost ever lmaooo. Like I had a mild idea of what was going on because of the game, but still. What part of a paper is hardest for you to write? The intro, or the conclusion. Both are difficult to me. Like I want to compose a gripping beginning as well as an end that doesn't just repeat everything I've already said and ends on a strong note. Does it bother you that almost everything is done on computers now? No. KFC Chicken: original or extra crispy? I don't like fried chicken. Think about your first kiss. Did you have any idea what you were doing? I mean, I guess? Like I'd seen kisses enough to know how to give someone a peck. It just came naturally. Did you get Happy Meals just for the toys as a kid? Not just for the toy, but it's the main thing I wanted, sure. Have you ever seen your parents cry? If so, how did it make you feel? Seeing my mom cry absolutely destroys me. I don't want her to hurt EVER. Especially if it's seriously unfair bullshit that has her upset, I also get very angry (not at her, of course) and protective. I've seen Dad tear up once, back when he was telling us about his mother's funeral, and I felt immense surprise more than anything. He does NOT cry. How do you feel about animal testing? It's fucking disgusting and barbaric. Find a different goddamn way. Do you add condiments to your ice cream, or just eat it plain? If I'm having vanilla, I'll usually add chocolate syrup. Have you ever witnessed a crime? Yes. What’s the coolest personalized license plate you’ve ever seen? I'm forever gonna get a kick out of this one that just said "omw," haha.

[wwwafflewrites]

Blood, Sweat, and Tears

Possible trigger? Ish?

Note: I mostly wrote this because I've been feeling sore as hell from sports and I wanted to see if I could replicate that feeling here in an angsty way.

Basically she misinterprets the Winchesters hesitation for her not being good enough to hunt, rather than their worry and fear after having lost so much family. And she resorts to unhealthy means of weightloss and exercise. There's nothing graphic though.

///

Hunting has never, in the history of ever, been a skill that came along easy. To anyone. The unforgiving profession took years of work, practice, and patience to master it. Not only that, but it took research and last minute problem solving. Every hunter needed to be downright perfect if they ever expected to make it in this life.

So when you told the boys you were going to become a hunter, you didn't understand why they hesitated. Dean outright scoffed, as if the notion was ridiculous; you'd be lying if you had said that didn't hurt. Sam was a little less blunt about his reaction, but the way he bit his lip told you he was dubious. Did they have that little faith in you? You really didn't see the problem. You had worked with them for years as the research girl, gathering information and piecing each case together when the Winchesters didn't have the time to. It only made sense that you would qualify as hunter material. People, ordinary people, became hunters all the time! What made you so unqualified?

Somewhere in the cavities of your mind, a small voice whispered because the hunters that rose from nothing often had nothing to lose, and they couldn't care less if they died on their first hunt or if they succeeded in their endless quest for revenge. That's why you were different; you have a family, and it would kill them if you left them. They've already lost so much.

Sam approached you, hesitant still, as if he wasn't sure what to say quite yet. He took a breath, took a moment to gage your expression, and then sighed. "You're sure? Absolutely sure you want this?"

"I'm sure."

The Winchesters respected you. You weren't a child; if you told them you wanted something, you reserved the right to have it. However, that didn't make this less excruciating for them. In their eyes, they were letting you put a target on your back.

They didn't object to your proposal though. Instead of talking you down from your idea, they worked with you. The bunker had a gym, complete with a target range and a ranging supply of equipment. They certainly didn't sugar coat it for you. Sam told you about crushed dreams, and Dean told spoke of old friends and their partings. They made clear that you understood that this job would literally haunt you for the rest of your life. As you sweat, they reminded you that you were preparing for the lifetime of war and pain that would soon be your own. It was a heavy weight to carry, and an even bigger commitment.

From this, you imagined they were trying to scare you. Of course, they weren't lying about anything, but in the way that they said it to you, like they were stuffing your mind of ideas like newspaper to a kindling, made you think they were convincing you to give it up. They were trying their best to protect you with fear, to have you become a scared little girl who is afraid of the monster under her bed so they could fight it for you like they always have.

But you didn't scare easily.

The workout was intense. There were very few pauses or breaks, because on a hunt there was no such thing. Once you had completed a set of workouts, they had you do another. They did it alongside you, letting you see how much you had to catch up with. Sam and Dean were both six feet of toned muscle and calluses. 

After three hours, you had completed all the workouts thrown at you. You were drenched in sweat, and every muscle you had was aching and smarting. You finally stood, expecting this to be the end.

Dean nodded to you. "Go get a drink. We're going to spar next."

You stared at him a little, processing this. Sparring. That meant hand-to-hand tactics and conditioning. That meant wrestling. That implied more hours before this was over. You wanted to protest, but you held your tongue. It was never over; that was the lesson they were giving you, and you could either complain about it or suck it up, because this was your choice.

You pushed down your growing disappointment and masked it with an indifferent one. You were certain it didn't fool the boys, though.

You were careful not to drink too much, but enough so your lips weren't as dry and your aching throat was soothed. And then you returned, Dean was wrapping bandages around his knuckles, and motioned for you to do likewise.

You weren't going to lie, that scared you a little. Dean was a strong guy, and you weren't sure how rusty you were. Or how good you could duck.

But the hunter seemed to know what you were thinking. Your eyes met, he analyzed them, and he chuckled. "Don't worry, these aren't for you. We're using the punching bags first to get you warmed up."

You held back your retort, which was just a smart comment about being 'warmed up'. You were practically on fire. But it wouldn't get you anywhere complaining. You took the bandages, observed Dean's fluid wrapping motions, and mirrored them in silence.

You were exhausted, but you still followed Dean to the punching back with your head held high, feeling stubborn. Your muscles were starting to retaliate, begging for the work to end, but you pushed on, ignoring the shakiness in your legs as you followed Dean and the ache in your shoulders as you raised your fists to the red enemy—the punching bag. You pummeled it with all your lasting might, determined to show Dean you would not be deterred by a little sweat.

His hands reached to guide your motions, coming behind you to correct what he felt was unnecessary in your throws. "You like to drop your right hand during the left hook. Keep it lifted, or you'll leave yourself exposed." He showed you an example, and you just marveled at how he was still at his prime.

Punching the bag required coordination that you lacked. You could punch fine, but your muscles were protesting and twitching when you pulled back. You were slow, and Dean made sure to tell you. You knew he was trying to discourage you, to get you to quit on your own. But you were a stubborn one, as they liked to say.

Once Dean seemed satisfied by your form, you both went to the mat, which was clearly set up for a spar. It was unfair—Dean was hardly breaking a sweat, and you felt ready to break apart. Another lesson, you realized. Hunting wasn't fair.

You narrowed your eyes, bracing yourself to fight. Your heart was thrumming, and every limb was shaky in pain and adrenaline. But your eyes were strong, and you made sure that Dean knew it.

You weren't great, by any means. Dean was a professional, and you were no match against him like this. However, you managed to hold some ground, and retain what they had taught you, regardless of how sloppy it may be.

After who knows how long, Dean finally called it quits. You were panting with adrenaline and feeling rather lightheaded. And you both needed to eat and shower. 

"Good job, kid," Dean made sure to say to you.

You smiled. Dean was impressed.

You both cooled down a bit, then exited the room that would likely rule your dreams for a while. Every muscle was sore; even your eyelids were heavy.

When you reached your room, you allowed yourself the slump your shoulders some. You honestly felt terrible and tired. Everything hurt. You sucked in a breath as your calves painfully tightened into a knot. You were temporarily paralyzed, grabbing your leg and gritting your teeth. This was going to suck.

You limped to your bed with a gasp, and let out a muffled cry into your pillow. The bed was cold against your nearly feverish self, and you soaked it in. You were acutely aware that it was only somewhere around six o'clock (as that was the only digit you had registered), and that the Winchesters would probably search for you to eat dinner with them, but you were already falling into a deep sleep.

///

The morning was worse.

Every movement was slow and painful. It took roughly twenty minutes of pained whines and sobs just to sit up, and you still couldn't convince yourself to stand. Because standing meant walking, and you didn't think you could handle that just yet.

You, with another moan of agony, turned to the clock, letting out a strangled exhale when you saw that it was eight thirty-five. You supposed, fortunately, you had been so exhausted you had slept through most of the pain in the night. The Winchesters had left you alone, and you were at least grateful for that.

Finally, you gained enough courage to stand. And as painful as it was, you were a hunter now. The Winchesters had to toughen up all the time. They had died before, the least you could do was hide some grimaces. You slapped on your poker face and walked as straight as you possibly could to the kitchen, albeit it wavered here and there.

Dean was making french toast for two, while Sam made himself a smoothie. You thought on this. Maybe, to better help your workout routine, you should cut back on the food. It wouldn't kill you to go on a diet and lose a little weight. So instead of Dean's offered french toast, you made a beeline for the fridge, where you grabbed a honey crisp apple.

Dean looked rather offended. "You don't want my french toast?"

You forced your face to be calm as your calf twitched and seized. "Oh, sorry, no. I actually ate a few hours ago. I went to bed at five, remember? I didn't sleep for fourteen hours," you said naturally. Oh, yes you did. You definitely did that.

That little nagging voice curiously asked you why you lied to them. Why couldn't you just tell the truth? What was with the white lies and deceit? Perhaps, you told yourself, you knew that it wasn't your best decision. You knew the Winchesters would not approve of it. You knew it was wrong.

And you figured when you had gambled with one white lie, how could another few hurt any?

So when you knew the Winchesters weren't watching, you would limp, biting back groans as your limbs struggled to cooperate with you. During your workouts, no matter that Dean would tell you to tell him when it was too much, you always bit your tongue, knowing the best workouts came from 'too much', and that you would live.

Your scale was your friend: you became more encouraged of your progress as your weight dropped.

You knew they were just trying to get you to admit defeat—that if you couldn't handle the intense workouts, then a monster would inevitably overpower you.

In this, you began to wonder of the importance of being a hunter. Did you really want this? It had become less about training and more about proving yourself to Dean that you were ready. However, you were glad they'd given up trying to sway your decision. You had shown to Dean clearly that you wanted in, and you had won them over. Once they built you up, you would finally be a hunter.

That's what kept you going.

And the workouts continued, and you felt yourself deteriorating by the thirteenth day. Standing too fast suddenly had you seeing stars, and it took several seconds to recover.

And by that thirteenth terrible day, your knees buckled, and of course, Dean was there to catch you by your armpit.

Your sweaty armpit. That had to be disgusting.

However, if Dean thought it was gross, he wasn't showing it. In fact, he seemed concerned. "You good?"

You nodded, but your breath betrayed you, hitching a little. "Just a leg cramp." Just then, your vision blurred and you leaned back into him at the wave of nausea that followed.

He turned you to face him. "Hey, what's up?"

"Just…" You felt sick. "Just a bit… dizzy. Can I sit down?" You used him as a crutch, lowering yourself until you were leaning up against the wall. Your vision was telling you you were on a carousel, and you shut your eyes tight. Your breathing was irregular as you fought the rising nausea.

"How much water have you had?"

You shrugged, and then regretted it. Your shoulders were on fire. "Some," you croaked.

"Some?" He asked, incredulous. He rubbed his face in frustration. "We've been doing this for hours. You should be drinking more than 'some'. The hell?" He looked down at you angrily from where he was crouched. "Christ. Alright, let's get you somewhere else." He pinched his nose and shouted down the hall, "Sam?!"

Sam had already seen though from where he stood in the gym. He was making his way over to the both of you.

"She's dehydrated," Dean told him. "Can you go get some water?"

"Sure," Sam said, heading to the kitchen and leaving Dean with you again.

Dean reached down and scooped you up. He had his bicep under your knees, one under your back, and his abs against your hip. He was carrying you bridal style.

And with what little consciousness you had left, the sudden motion almost made you pass out.

It also made you nervous. A nervousness that made stars break behind your eyelids. Look at you, swooning over some boys. Hell no! Shame on you. They spend half their hunts reeling over other women, it's not like they like you like that.

You wiggled, panicking a little on the inside. You threw out your hands. "Dean!" You yelped, trying to control the shakiness of your voice. "I might be tired, but this is unnecessary."

"Enjoy it," Sam called from down the hall, as if he knew exactly why you were trying to escape. He probably did. Frick Sam and his way of reading people so well. You were twenty feet away from him and he just knew.

Sam made his way back with the promised glass of cold water.

Dean said, "Next time, don't skimp on the water, okay? There's a reason we take water breaks." He took the glass from Sam just to hand it to you. "Just take some sips, alright? We don't need you getting sick on top of this."

As Dean watched you drink, his heel bounced from where he was crouching. "How much have you eaten today? No, no wait. Scratch that. What have you eaten today?"

You froze, trying to visualize the fridge space and what was in it. But lately, you would just grab some fruit and leave. You didn't really know what to tell him. "I… had some oatmeal." You recalled that being on the shelf a week ago.

Dean's frown impossibly fell further. He looked devastated. "I told you she was lying, Sam. I told you."

Sam sighed then, and his sad eyes flicked about the hallway.

"Wh…" you started to say, internally panicking. "What do you mean?"

Sam's stiff shoulders dropped. "We finished off the oatmeal a few days ago. It's even on the grocery list."

Dean sent him a look. "You make grocery lists?"

"Yes, Dean," Sam says. "Otherwise you would just get jerky, beer, and pie. That's not exactly a square meal."

Dean shrugged, but then shook his head, realizing his distraction. He turns back to you. "Wait, have you eaten anything? At all? When's the last time you actually had a meal?"

You wanted to say something, you did. But you were about as calm as a deer in the headlights.

Dean stood, throwing his hands in the air. "The hell?!" he exclaimed, and then to Sam, "What the actual hell?!" 

Sam couldn't really believe it either. The younger Winchester gathered himself. "Have you really been starving yourself?" At your lack of response, he blinked. "You're… c'mon, you're smarter than this. I know you are. What even compelled you to hurt yourself like this?"

You scoffed and denied it. You weren't hurting yourself.

"Look, I know you think this isn't doing anything, but you're wrong. You do know that to build muscle, you also have to eat protein, right? It doesn't come from nowhere. I see where your mind is going and I've seen how far you've been pushing yourself lately, but I also thought you were eating. That's a vital part of working out. Of course, you have to do it right, but it's vital. Muscles don't come from nothing," Sam told you.

You shifted, embarrassed. You were being scolded like a child.

Dean was glaring at a wall and cursing. "Sammy's got a frigging point. Also, you literally pushed yourself until you collapsed. If I hadn't caught you, you would've fallen flat on your face. And you can't even tell me that I'm wrong." He took a breath. "You were going to break yourself. Sure, you were kicking ass, too. I was impressed. And I'm—I'm still impressed, don't get me wrong. I'm impressed that you can push yourself that hard. That's good for a hunt. But kid, you couldn't tell me when you wanted a break?"

You offered a small, timid shrug and broke your gaze with him. You felt awful.

Dean looked so crushed. "God, do you really think that's what we wanted from you? To starve yourself? Kid, you got it backwards. All we want is for you to be stronger when you go out there. This? This isn't strong." Dean was quietly seething, but his anger wasn't entirely toward you. Perhaps he blamed himself, that he didn't notice sooner. "This is… this…"

You looked away, rubbing at the tears that you couldn't stop from rolling down your cheeks. You couldn't look at them or they'd see it. You couldn't face them until you were fine again. As steady as you could, you whispered, "Sam… Dean… I didn't… I am so sorry. I just wanted to be strong. I wanted to be like you."

Dean snatched your shoulder, pulling you to face him. And when you finally saw the heartbroken look in his eyes, your mouth wavered as a sob escaped you. Dean pulled you into a hug, his hands fisting your shirt and clutching you tight. You let yourself go, unable to contain your sobbing in his embrace. You just ugly cried into his shoulder, having your own pity party about how stupid you had been.

"Well," Dean said, his eyes alight with unshed tears. He didn't even bother to wipe them as they trailed. "You got that part mixed up, okay? We're not asking you to starve. We're just scared for you, alright? We want to make sure you're prepared. We can't lose anyone else. Hell, I still don't want you out there." He was torn.

Sam cut in. "But you're an adult, so it's your call. But this? If there is anything we're going to stop, it's going to be this." 

Dean began to lead you by the arm to the kitchen, careful that you were steady on your feet before moving. "Think you can stomach some of Sam's rabbit food?" Dean motioned for Sam to help and squeezed your shoulder to comfort you.

Sam nodded, opening the fridge. "I'm sure a light salad and a hard boiled egg will be okay."

You leaned into Dean's touch, knowing that they would always be there when you slipped up. When you fell to your lowest. When you did something you knew was stupid.

Because that was family.

[dontcallmeangeljournal]

TW: ED and mentions of SH and wanting to d**

I started having ED thoughts in middle school but I actually had an ED for years and didn’t realize. My best friend moved across the country and I took my feelings out on food. I would eat massive amounts of food and gained a lot of weight at 8 years old. My mom took me to a “nutritionist” and they said I was hopeless so she took me to weight watchers and I was weighed in front of middle aged women and that was enough to wreck me for life apparently.

All throughout middle school I was super depressed and bullied a lot so I didn’t really take care of myself or my appearance but my 8th grade year I started dressing better and showering more and a former teacher of mine complimented how much prettier I looked to my mom. So then I started paying a lot of attention to how I looked. I got makeup and trendy clothes and became obsessed with trying to fit in and with my appearance.

And people always say that high school is like a fresh start and you never stay friends with your middle school friends so I saw that as a chance at reinvention. Spoiler alert. I definitely took that shit too far.

So the summer before freshman year I started thinking about how I wanted to look different for my first day at high school. I did a ton of tennis and took summer dance classes. I definitely didn’t lose much if any though. I wasn’t trying THAT hard. I went clothes shopping and like PINK was trendy then so I got a ton of that so I could fit in and be cute like everyone else. That’s really it.

The first day of high school I feel is where things really started turning. The first day was like a little “meet your homeroom teacher” and quickly go through your classes to see what the schedule is like and all that. But at the end we had a class BBQ and I distinctly remember skipping all the food and getting a soda. Idk if it was diet or not but honestly probably. I remember my homeroom teacher asking me about it because she was handing out drinks or whatever. I don’t remember what I said but yeah that was the first time someone noticed which is funny because I was not thin in the slightest, like I definitely could skip some meals. Little did I know that teacher would save my life and ruin it at the same time.

A few months went by, I stopped eating breakfast and lunch and would go on like 5 hour walks after school. It was honestly not even THAT intentional, I wasn’t thinking about it much, I was just doing it. One day in December I got the flu and was out for like 2 days and when I came back everything changed and I remember this day like it was yesterday.

I walked into homeroom and a girl I had been going to school with since kindergarten was like “here eat this” and it was like a sports bar or whatever and I didn’t want it, mainly because I’m a picky eater. I said no and she insisted so I took it to shut her up. I had a few bites and then threw it away, little did I know that everyone in that room including my homeroom teacher knew something I didn’t at that moment. As we were leaving my homeroom teacher blocked the door and pulled me to the side and waited for everyone to leave before BLUNTLY asking “are you starving yourself?” I was so flustered and taken aback by this I couldn’t even process it as quickly as I needed to. I said “no” and other words were exchanged that I don’t remember before she let me leave. She never brought it up again for awhile.

Come to find out my “best friend” at the time had told like 6 people in my homeroom including the teacher that I was starving myself. Thinking back on it, she wasn’t wrong but also, I can remember not even realizing what I was doing. It wasn’t until after that situation my ED went into overdrive and I started purposely doing things and being serious. For a few months I did a mix of restriction/starvation, chew and spit, over exercising, and purging until I realized I really did have a serious problem. Every calorie I ate and every calorie I burned was recorded in my journal, I was weighing myself multiple times a day and recording it, making plans of when and what I was going to eat and how much was allowed, and using Twitter and tumblr to come up with pro-ana diets such as the ABC diet, that one was definitely a fan favorite with me.

One day I ended up totally crumbling under myself. I had started “punishing” myself if I didn’t lose weight by cutting. It was so over the top and I was literally drowning in my ED. Every second of every day was consumed by food thoughts and horrible things about my body that I just fell apart. One afternoon I sat down with that homeroom teacher and told her that I lied when I said I wasn’t starving. She definitely was like “yeah I know”. At this point her and I were getting close because we had some things outside of school that aligned and we related to each other in a way nobody else really could.

I honestly don’t remember a single thing she said to me other than I needed to tell my mom or whatever. I begged her not to call her and not to tell anyone and she said she wouldn’t but spoiler alert, she did.

A day or two later I got a hall pass from the guidance counselor asking me to come to the office and I threw that shit away. The next day I got another and also threw that away. The day after I got another and also threw that away so the 4th day she came and personally got me and escorted me to her office and that was the first time I truly wanted to die lmao.

She sat me down and said a teacher came to her with concerns *eye roll* and then she had the audacity to tell me I *definitely dont* have an ED and it’s *just* disordered eating (because I didn’t look like your typical Anorexic). So that definitely threw me for a loop and made everything worse. Then she called my mom and told her I was “throwing up” which I didn’t even tell her or my teacher that so she just made that shit up (even though she wasn’t wrong). Then my mom freaked and wanted to take me to the hospital for “being crazy”.

The next day I got acquainted with the school social worker and that was an absolute shit show. When she showed up at the counselors office she was like a 90 pound stick and everything I wish I looked like so that was fun. She also told me it was disordered eating and brushed it off. I literally saw her multiple times a week for 3 out of the 4 years until they all finally decided I needed an actual therapist lmao.

But yeah that’s only the start of the story.

[earstwo]

hi hun, hope you are doing ok. what do you love the most about our beautiful adam?

hi friend! i am doing pretty well, thank you for checking in. i hope you’re doing okay and staying safe/healthy, etc.

as for your ask - i need you to know that i’ve been thinking about how to answer this question since you asked it last night bc i am nothing if not overdramatic. much like with ‘what is your favorite adam look’, there’s no way i could ever narrow it down to just one. it’s physically impossible for me. 

as such, here are a few things i love most about adam driver. these are in no particular order and i will try to not gush…too much, but no promises:

- his sense of humor and the fact that he doesn’t take himself too seriously. you’d think that for how serious and intense he is in general that he’d be like, a stick in the mud when it comes to comedy but he’s just not. i love the fact that he’s hosted SNL 3 times and just gets more and more ridiculous each time. he’s effortlessly funny in a way that we all we wish we could be. 

- he’s very self-deprecating. he makes fun of himself constantly (”that’s a bad joke”, “i’ve derailed this interview and now i can’t remember your question”, “i would be jabba the hutt if i weren’t kylo ren”, etc), and he’s god AWFUL at taking compliments, even when he absolutely deserves them. it’s something that makes me want to bear hug him and tape little post-its on his mirror that say “you are the best human on the planet” so he stops ever thinking otherwise.

- i love how much he lights up when he’s comfortable in his environment. if you haven’t yet, watch the VICE mini documentary about AITAF and his interviews during the logan lucky press tour with channing tatum and you’ll see what i’m talking about. that adam is probably more who adam actually is IRL and it’s literally just…i don’t even know. he’s funny and giggly and silly and absolutely fucking magnetic in every way. it’s almost hard to watch.

- i’ve honestly never tried to put this into words before, so i might fail miserably, but here goes: adam is the kind of dude that i’d be into IRL (putting his looks aside here because duh) because he’s strong and smart and masculine in a way that’s never once felt toxic to me. i love when a guy is self-sufficient and independent. i love when people don’t talk just to talk. that’s something that i struggle with often and i admire so much about him because he thinks about what he says for a long time before he says it and is always thoughtful and considerate with the words he does choose, so they always carry so much more weight. it’s so fucking attractive to me it’s insane. 

- i think it’s so fucking amazing how he’s able to fully transform himself into whatever role he’s playing. he disappears as adam and becomes his character. a perfect example of this is adam sackler, who was my intro to him as an actor. i thought for so long that adam driver just was adam sackler because that was long before i ever watched any interviews/learned about him as a human being. his ability to fully immerse himself in whatever character he’s playing is so incredible that i genuinely can’t see where he stops and his character begins when he’s acting. it’s so goddamn impressive.*side note: i fucking love how dedicated he is to each character he plays, too. doing all his own stunts as ben, learning to drive a fucking bus as paterson, losing 50 lbs for silence. that boy never does anything half-assed and it’s so fucking admirable. 

- his work ethic. don’t judge me too much here, but sometimes when i’m feeling lazy about work or exercising or literally anything, i think about adam driver and how hard he works constantly and it motivates me to get my shit together. i will literally probably never meet this dude, but i still want to be the type of person he’d be friends with and therefore try to always work harder than anyone else in the room. lmao i’m such a mess

- i promise i didn’t intentionally save his looks for the end of this post, and i feel like that’s very telling of how wonderful i think he is as a human, BUT IN ANY CASE, he is obviously incredibly handsome. that goes without saying. people that say he’s ‘weird hot’ can take a long walk off a short bridge, because no. he’s just hot. not ‘unconventionally’ or ‘nontraditionally’ hot. JUST HOT. beautiful. gorgeous. rugged. dark and tall in every way that a heartthrob should be. i love his crooked teeth and his ears because they make him more human; if he didn’t have them it would honestly just be too much. he’s already like a fucking greek god walking among us, we need these little human imperfections (can we even call them that?) to remind us that he’s not actually adonis. i love his hair. i love his eyes and how he can convey 19389294 things with them in mere seconds. i love his stupid half-smiles and smirks. don’t even get me sTARTED ON THE WINKING. men winking in general is something that sends me - watching adam do it had me on the fucking floor gasping for air and wondering when death was going to finally take me. 

- HONORABLE MENTIONS: *he always signs autographs or makes time to go talk to fans*he always turns conversations regarding his talent around so that someone else is receiving the praise instead of him (see: him complimenting noah baumbach’s marriage story script) *the thing with ben affleck’s son and how good he is with kids in general. christ on a cracker, as if i needed more reasons to be obsessed with him*dogs love him too and that’s just not a thing we should take lightly*the fact that he’s not on social media at all and actually hates it*HIS VOICE. JESUS FUCK. HOW COULD I FORGET THAT VOICE??phew, okay - 

i’m not gonna sit here and act like you asked for this, because you didn’t. you asked for me to tell you what i love most and i’ve written you an essay about ALL THE THINGS i love. and i also hope you know that i really did have to pull back here and stop myself from piling more things onto this.

TLDR: adam driver is a devastatingly talented, humble, intelligent, gorgeous, and kind dude. he’s everything that i think a ‘celebrity’ should be and even though i know he doesn’t really care about this kind of stuff, i hope he knows how inspiring he is in so many ways. he’s gotten me to write and create again by simply being my muse and he’s gotten me to be more thoughtful and intentional with my words and actions because of the level of commitment that he gives to everything in his life. i don’t actually know if you can love someone you’ve never met or spoken to, but if you can, i love him. a lot. 

also, i’ve said it before and i’ll say it again: i miss him and hope he’s doing okay. knowing what i know about him, he’s probably enjoying the time he’s got to sleep and spend with his family but also probably itching to go back to work. whatever the situation may be, as long as that boi is safe and healthy, i’m gucci.