#honestly i believe all of these quotes can be read either platonically or romantically

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sleep token + posts about love i saw on pinterest

[alwaysmicado]

https://www.tumblr.com/free-my-mindd/746081775532605440/chris-mc-geown?source=share <- this is the link i supposed to add in previous ask but dunno why disappeared (i still can't figure out how to add a link in the ask 🤦🏻‍♀️)

read the latest part. my logical side told me that torturing joel somehow means torturing our baby reader, HOWEVER, my rage keep screaming that DON'T LET THAT FUCKER EXIT SO EASILY PLSSS. (of coz i well believe you will keep developing about reader's mind tht this chapter's ending doesn't mean the cloud is cleared or joel is forgiven.) he definitely has not sufferedorry enough. (or will there be a joel's POV chapter to let that fucker explain himself?)

what can i say about tommy? i thought their relationship is so unbelievable (in good way). where would the world got a married guy that still care a girl enough that pick up drunk/cry-call in the middle of night and not hang up? (or my friends are just too shitty 🤦🏻‍♀️) hope i didn't get it wrong from this chapter, besides the common ground from their traumatic history, tommy is just an extremely sweet guy? stupid question here - they seems cleared the prospect of romantic involvement but still able to keep a close relationship. <- i should get this from this chapter or that will be further flashback about this?

thanks so much for your great work and patience to read my rambling 💛

Hi Rachel 😍 Oh yeah, this quote fits reader perfectly:

there were two reasons I was scared to let people in; the damage they could do, and the damage they could find.

After Sunshine, @witchofthedeepwoods was also saying that Angels Like You by Miley Cyrus reminded her of reader and I couldn't agree more!

It's not your fault I ruin everything And it's not your fault I can't be what you need Baby, angels like you can't fly down hell with me I'm everything they said I would be

About Sink or swim:

he definitely has not sufferedorry enough. (or will there be a joel's POV chapter to let that fucker explain himself?)

First of all, you calling Joel a fucker is so damn funny to me, I dunno why 😂😂😂

Second of all, YES! The ending doesn't mean it's all resolved. Not at all. It just means that she's finally ready to be honest with herself, with Joel, and also with Tommy (since he knows now anyway). I guess we'll have to see if Joel makes the right call in the next part and is able to reassure reader somehow that he really is serious about her 😌. What I have planned for sure is to write out the confrontation between Joel and Tommy. I dunno yet if I'll post it separately or within the next part, but it's coming.

hope i didn't get it wrong from this chapter, besides the common ground from their traumatic history, tommy is just an extremely sweet guy? stupid question here - they seems cleared the prospect of romantic involvement but still able to keep a close relationship. <- i should get this from this chapter or that will be further flashback about this?

I think Tommy sees a lot of himself in reader and that's why he understands her so well. And she is comfortable with him 'cause she really feels like he does understand her without judging her. Plus, he's proven over time that he won't abandon her, and that's also huge for her.

At this point, their relationship is platonic and they both appreciate it for what it is. I'm not gonna tell you if that was always the case or if they had more going on after their first night (or even what happened there exactly). Maybe I will some day, but for now, you're free to imagine whatever you like 😋.

I could imagine that Joel's got his own thoughts/questions about their relationship though hehe. But, as @pattwtf and I discussed, I'm positive that Joel honestly wouldn't care either way.

Thank you for reading my story and taking the time to share your thoughts!! It's so much fun and I appreciate it a lot! 😍 Have a wonderful day! 🤍

[kissmyhandcallmedarling]

my controversial ahs opinions

yeep. don't come at me. please. thank you. they are controversial for a reason. everyone has the right to like what they like, ship whom they ship, etc etc, as long as it's not insensitive towards sexuality, gender etc etc.

and remember these are just my opinions!

okay. thank you.

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1. i don't ship cordelia and misty

i'm sorry! i've just never really seen this as a romantic connection between the two of them!

they certainly do have a connection and i would consider them platonic soulmates

and the fact that lady paulson herself denied this ship also sorta shapes my opinion. she said, i quote "cordelia LOVES MISTY. she just doesn't want to kiss her. but she is very special and important to her"

and thats essentially the way i feel about it too :)

2. i adore apocalypse

i know apocalypse has gotten a bit of a bad rap; you either love it or you hate it, and whilst i would have prefered a different ending, i loved it

it was so EPIC and NOSTALGIC at the same time! like; BANG, we have witches; BANG, we have cordelia being the badass supreme she was made to be; BAM, we get a jpm cameo; BAM, murder house with tate and violet. i just loved the way it had all these crossovers. made ahs feel more complete and compact

i literally still get goosebumps and chills when i watch certain scenes, like the cinematography is exquisite, and induces physical reactions in my body.

i just love apocalypse. it's my second favourite season (after hotel, before coven)

3. i am a tate stan

i honestly don't understand why tate stans get so much hate?

like yeah, he did some shitty things, but so did james march, and no jpm stan is hated on as much as their tate-loving counterparts. it's a horror show; the best characters are going to have done fucked up things - i'd argue villains make better characters simply because they have more to them - there's always a reason why thy became who they are - they weren't born a monster

i really love how violet softened tate; she gave him a reason to be good, and loved him in a way he'd never been loved by anyone

4. maggie didn’t deserve to die

i must admit, maggie’s death in freakshow was one of those moments where i had to ask myself “did that actually just happen?” - even for ahs!!

i know everyone has mixed feelings about this character and yeah, she was in it for the wrong reasons at first, but she was young - society taught her that the “freaks” weren’t people. everyone was brought up like this. they were taught that their lives didn’t matter, so for maggie to realise on her own, that what stanley was doing was wrong, AND do something to fix her mistakes, was a huge character development. she could have easily gone along with it, even taken the money from stanley and ran, once the freaks mutilated him, but she did what was right

her death was terribly unfair and really quite sudden and random - and very much in vain! she had a good heart, and considering she admitted up to her mistakes and ended up saving the freaks (well, from stanley at least) she really didn’t deserve the ending she got

5. i don’t like mallory

it’s probably just because she is the next supreme in line, and that takes the supremacy from cordelia, even though there must be a successor blah blah blah

idk she just annoys me and i feel like she just appeared and then bang! new supreme

i just don’t like mallory. yeah she’s really nice and whatever, and i love billie, but i’m not a mallory fan

6. antichrist + miss supreme = power couple (under certain circumstances)

DONT COME AT ME! but i lowkey could see cordelia and michael together

i actually started writing a fic about this titled ‘are monsters born or created’ where i explore the idea if michael went with cordelia when she told him she could help him if he went with her. it’s a work in progress and i need to go back and work on it and flesh out the chapters a bit more, but you can read what i’ve drafted out so far, if you’re interested :)

honestly michael langdon has sexual tension with everyone, but under specific circumstances delia x michael could work, or at least, I believe it could

7. austin loves women too

i have mentioned this before, but im going to restate it again; i don’t believe austin sommers is exclusively mlm

if this character’s sexuality was in fact canon, then obviously i wouldn’t question it, but as ryan murphy said, austin’s sexuality would not be revealed in red tide, it is obviously up to audience interpretation

my interpretation is that austin isn’t explicitly gay, but instead bi, pan, or even unlabelled. he loves many, many genders and sees beauty in all of them!

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[borat123]

Analysis Pro NH Anti NS

Naruto Manga Part 2

Part 13 Finale

The reanimated Minato appears on the battlefield. He asks Naruto out of the blue, if the girl healing him is his girlfriend. Naruto’s reaction to this is actually very flat and careless. He hesitates and fumbles his words, then he falsesly agree and says ”if you’re splitting hairs, i guess”. The defintion of splitting hairs is and i quote: to make often peevish criticisms or objections about matters that are minor, unimportant, or irrelevant.

So clearly Naruto doesn’t even remotly see her in a romantic light. Not that he ever did, his ”crush” on her was only a side effect of the rivalry with Sasuke. He only noticed her because she actively tried her best to get noticed by Sasuke and made herself as pretty as possible. And Naruto being the goof that he is, saw the biggest Sasuke fangirls attempt at getting his attention and got jealous of Sasuke and tried to get her attention instead of Sasuke so that he could be better than Sasuke at something.

Anyway Sakura becomes furious and immediatly punches Naruto (in the middle of healing him by the way) and he comments on how she’s supposed to heal him and that he’s suffered more damage now because of her (honestly if anything they are more like two siblings quarrelling).

Then Minato out of the blue just like his stupid girlfriend comment compares Sakura to Kushina. But he actually looks embarrassed that she resembles her not so positive side. Kushina obviously has her loving, caring and ambitious side and he certaintly doesn’t compare her to that, but only her temper (that sooo many girls share in Naruto by the way it’s not exactly a unique trait). Minato looks embarrased and nervously laughs and then says somewhat sarcastically ” i leave my son in you’re capable hands”.

So he doesn’t actually supports them as a couple as some have claimed. Naruto later tells him that he hasn’t found a girlfriend and he accepts that and supports him.

Naruto thanks Sakura for healing him and then tells her to rest. He doesn’t actually see her as a capable kunoichi and he never really believed in her strength. Compare this to how he treats Sasuke or Hinata where he willingly invites them into battle with him and it becomes blatantly clear that Naruto doesn’t respect her. Besides Sakura even comments on how he only sees her as a damsel in distress and she’s not exactly wrong.

The first thing Naruto thinks about when he sees Sakura’s new super strength is how she’s gonna ”turn him into a stain” if he makes her angry. Her physical abuse on him has obviously had an lasting effect if that’s the first thing he comes up with. Compare this to Sasuke’s reaction where he smirks proudly instead.

We get another perspective of Naruto’s and Hinata’s hand holding where we see Naruto squeeze her hand harder and him smiling at her. We also have more foreshadowing of Naruto and Hinata’s future relationship. She notes she wants to stay beside Naruto forever, while remembering Naruto, she is able to not only complete the Eight Trigrams Sixty-Four Palms, but also combine it with Gentle Step Twin Lion Fists.

Naruto is later at the verge of death and Sakura uses her role as a medic Ninja to try and save him. She talks about how his unbeliveable dream is just around the corner and also does CPR on him (which a lot of people confuse with a kiss for some reason, i guess they’re either stupid or desperate for anything remotely close to NaruSaku). Besides it feels a lot more like Sakura is desperate to save her friend, who is much more like a brother to her than a romantic partner. Honestly the girl has been horny for Sasuke most of her life so why would that suddenly change just because she tries desperatly to save her friend who she only has nothing but platonic feelings towards.

When Naruto’s saved he doesn’t even thank her and just says ”lets go”. The depth honestly astounds me!

Later Sakura performs a very wise decision of rushing straight towards Madara with no plan or warning of her ingenious plan. This is very similar to when she decided to come back and stab Sasuke when he fought Kakashi. Typical case of narcissism, thinking she’s hot shit and can do everything herself even though Sasuke and Naruto (her much stronger teammates) saved her sorry ass. Naruto and Sasuke then help her and she doesn’t even thank Naruto for saving her and only despairs over Sasuke not caring. Naruto barely reacted at all to her getting stabbed. Compare this to when Hinata got stabbed when he went bat shit crazy and almost transformed into the Nine Tails.

Hinata is put under the Infinite Tsukuyomi and mentally calls out for Naruto...

And Naruto hears her mental call! In his protective nature he almost ran out of the Susanoo, leaving Team 7 behind. He is only just stopped by Sasuke. Let me really talk about this here, not only could he hear her mental call, but he also had no hesitation to rush out to save her even though he would leave Team 7, his ”family” behind. I mean hearing mental calls and seeing emotions through eyes, that’s some next level shit honestly!

This sort of validate the idea that Naruto and Hinata are connected. Both Naruto and Hinata constantly use words the other has said (for example Hinata says his Ninja way and Naruto makes a refrence to being ”selfish” earlier in the war. There are so many parallels between them that i cant list them all here). They also understand each others hardships, how they are both ”proud failures” who work hard to change themselves. They are kindred spirits. They both admire and respect each others will to never give up and that’s also ironically why they both start falling for each other. We know how in Naruto people are connected through blood, for example with the summoning jutsu. Naruto’s blood vow to Hinata was him sealing that connection between them.

Inside the Infinite Tsukuyomi, Hinata dreams of being with Naruto, while Neji and Hanabi watch. Which, incidentally, also discards claims that she cared nothing for Neji because apparently her greatest dreams was being with Naruto and Neji being alive.

Interesting how they show Hinata in this panel as it could be viewed as an in direct reference to Naruto’s and Hinata’s relationship and past.

We see Naruto and Hinata standing very close to each other at Neji’s funeral. It was implied that they actually got really close after the war. Hinata is also seen crying at Neji’s funeral so that debunks stupid claims of her not ”caring”. Honestly he was like a brother too her, of course she would care?! What’s wrong with people?

Besides i think that it’s very likely that the Last could have worked to be set shortly after the war. Both Naruto and Hinata have shown (atleast for me) that they both love each other and that they are ready for a relationship. But at the same time, Naruto, even though he’s matured a whole lot compared to the start of Part 2 is still oblivous to real romantic love, even though he has shown signs of it towards Hinata. That he thinks Hinata and Ramen are the same thing is actually somewhat believable since he confuses his love for her with his childhood comfort food that has brought him happiness. It’s actually a very Naruto thing in my opinion.

So it still makes sense to be set 2 years after, the characters need to mature and be older sure, but it defiantly could have worked earlier.

Anyway that will be all for these analyses. It was a lot of fun to write these and hopefully you learned something new by reading them. Hopefully this brought some new light towards NH and also some depth as to why NS was always a crack ship.

Naruto and Hinata’s relationship is something that had always interested me since the start. Actually NH moments in Part 1 are my prefered subject and i wouldn’t mind maybe doing analyses on them too. Thanks for reading!

Here are all the previous parts:

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6

Part 7 Part 8 Part 9 Part 10 Part 11 Part 12

[ladybirdwithoutdots]

do you really need to bring shipper wars in the Austen fandom too?

Full offense but people who deny Emma is in love with Mr Knightley and hate on him because they ship her with Harriet, and pretend she should’ve ended up with her, are bullshit.  I’m tired of these posts (including the Harriet stans whom I saw bashing even in some emma/knightley posts when fans of the latter are the first to make cute posts about Harriet too), and honestly, you all just make me feel very negative about Harriet and unable to truly appreciate her scenes with Emma.

Maybe I just don’t care about being a bitch but here’s what an Emma fan who is just tired of the anti Emma/Knightley crap honestly thinks about your nonsense:

Hating on the last Emma adaptation because Emma is in love with Mr Knightley and marries him in the end is as disingenuos and idiotic as hating a Pride and Prejudice adaptation because Darcy and Elizabeth are in love. Le duh!  You can ship him with Bingley and her with Charlotte (or Wickham, if that’s your mood I’m not judging shipping choices here) but if you watch a movie based on an Austen’s book you know what you are getting yourself into, especially when her canon romances tend to be very important plot elements for the protagonists and their character growth. 

I get it’s 2021 and hating all het romance makes some people feel woke and edgy, and I totally get alternative readings and things like that, but out of ALL Austen ships and all her female heroines, Emma is the one female character who doesn’t even need, neither want,  to get married and truly only does that in the end because she is in love.  Emma is the LEAST Austen heroine whose romance you should even question because she honestly only married the guy because of love and no other reason.   Furthermore, unlike most of romances from that time, the guy Emma marries isn’t just some random guy she has met two seconds ago, it actually is her best friend, someone she knows since years and the one person who knows her best and loves her in spite of her flaws. Austen was very forward for her time with their romance, especially given the fact her male love interest actually decides to live with Emma and her father in the end instead of doing what every married man had the right to do at the time (take his wife to his own home where she’d have little to no power). Knightley and Emma are the (original) best friends to lovers relationship. He’s the best friend Emma had loved from the beginning without realizing it. It’s one of the main points of her story and the great irony of the novel that she thinks love isn’t for her, and she had never been in love, but she already is in love with him without realizing it because of their friendship. I’m sorry bro but that had never been Harriet, and it seems hypocritical tbh for some of you to want to give Harriet the story that Mr Knightley has with Emma, all the while hating on him and the romance. Even with the last movie, you have people take quotes de Wilde said about Knightley and Emma (e.g., the one about the movie making you think about ‘the best friend you maybe should have kissed’) out of context to manipulate others into thinking she was talking about Harriet instead (and queer baiting, which would be homophobic)

On one hand, we really do need more stories that put an emphasis on female friendships too and on other relationships that aren’t just the romance. On the other hand, it’s completely useless for writers to try to give us that  (e.g. de Wilde in the last Emma) if everytime two characters care about each other and share screentime together, people claim that relationship (and all scenes that make perfect sense with a normal platonic relationship) must be romance and romance only. It’s almost as if some of you never had a friend and therefore believe that everytime a character cares about another character they must be romantically in love with them. It also makes me believe, more than anything, that romance is the only kind of love that exists or is important for many of you. And if that is the truth, why even bother with fictional friendships then? Why even complain when writers don’t give us that if we are unable to appreciate those relationships as something of equal importance with romance?

I really can’t take people serioustly when they overinflate Harriet and her relationship with Emma all the while they minimize Emma/Knightley’s mutual feelings.  I read people who apparently find it harder to erase Harriet’s baseless crushes on every guy who gives her attention, than erase the actual love story and feelings of the protagonist! Tbh, even if you wanted a gay adaptation of Emma (and not one that is that just for the sake of), it would make much more sense to simply turn Mr Knightley into a female character, therefore still respecting the canon couple and Emma’s character arc, than ship her with Harriet. The latter is a weak alternative and frankly baseless for me because the only things she and Emma have in common is the fact they are both girls and they have an ‘e’ in their name. Full stop. Intellectually, Harriet is no match for Emma and their ranks in society are so apart that their relationship could never ever be equal (and it never was). I don’t want to be harsh but tbh I was never convinced they are actually friends in the novel, and the last movie made it even worse for they emphasized Harriet’s blindness about Emma’s feelings, and how one sided that dynamic is for it’s just Emma who makes an effort to be a friend in the end. Let’s be real here, Harriet doesn’t even know Emma and never really acts as a friend to her, unless your definition of friendship is ‘someone who worships you, and pretends you are the best and right even when you aren’t, as long as they perceive you as a savior who can help them'.  That’s not what being a friend means to me. It speaks volumes to me that the one and only time movie-Harriet actually notices that Emma is a human being with flaws and feelings too is when she gets angry because Emma wants the same guy she wants. I don’t know if Austen’s ‘naive and completely clueless Harriet’ is worse or better than de Wilde’s version but the latter really emphasizes one of the biggest issues of Emma/Harriet even more, to me. As a book Emma fan, before an adaptations fan, I read all kinds of comments about this novel and character but honestly, I never read any real convincing argument why Harriet and Emma should be a couple instead of her and Knightley. Most of what I read boils down to people taking things out of context and/or claims that Harriet is ‘better’ for Emma just because she’s a woman and she agrees with her all the time, while Mr Knightley is the bad guy because he’s older than her (he’s only 37, btw) and criticizes her ( as if Emma doesn’t need someone to criticize her, and her character growth isn’t dependent on precisely that). I get some people wouldn’t like to have someone who is criticizing them but worshiping someone is =/= being their friend or appreciating their real qualities. I also read people point up how much Emma praises Harriet in the book as proof that she’s in love with her, but the same ignore the many instances, especially after Harriet tells her that she loves Mr Knightley, that truly show Emma’s real colors and how much she still considers Harriet her, and especially Mr Knightley’s, inferior to the extent she regrets their friendship and thinks Harriet is ‘uppity’ for thinking Mr Knightley would ruin his reputation to marry someone like her. When I read those arguments it seems, if anything, that people want to have the cake and eat it by saying that Austen’s own story doesn’t matter (and she doesn’t understand her characters’ real feelings) when it comes to the things those people don’t like (eg the fact Knightley is the one Emma is in love with and all the explicit hints about that ), all the while still selectively using some of her writing to support their alternative version of the story. Now with the last movie adaptation, it’s even worse for me. It’s telling that the two scenes people romanticize as pro Emma/Harriet are two phrases/moments that actually emphasize the bad side of their relationship, and why their friendship isn’t good for either of them. The first is the scene when Emma says she ‘wants to keep Harriet for herself’: not only there is nothing romantic about that ( that line is in the book too as well as Knightley’s ‘your infatuation is blinding you’. You are reading a book written in 1800 with modern goggles though, and that alone doesn’t really work) but that phrase should actually make you cringe for it emphasizes how selfish and manipulative Emma is by treating Harriet like her new pet project just because she’s lonely. She doesn’t care about the girl’s feelings for Robert Martin, and what is truly the best for her due to her rank (and how dangerous it actually is for Harriet to not marry and find someone who can offer her protection), even if it’s what she tells herself, she only cares about her own desire to have a new female friend because she lost Mrs Weston and she feels lonely and bored. It’s also true, though, that she is still lying to Mr Knightley too because she does actually want to match Harriet with Mr Elton, that which is obvious in the other scenes, but even that is an expression of Emma’s selfishness and not really a hint of her caring, let alone loving, Harriet as a human at this point. If you read the book, it’s particularly obvious given the fact that Emma isn’t blind about Harriet’s feelings for Robert Martin for she knows that her behavior is bad and the girl actually cares about the guy, but she manipulates her into thinking Mr Elton is better because it’s her choice and she prefers him (until he proposes to her, of course. Then she thinks Mr Elton is trash for being so arrogant to believe someone of his rank could marry her) The second phrase people romanticize is only in the last movie and it’s that annoying ‘I refused Robert Martin because of you’ phrase by Harriet later in the movie. I hate that because, once again, that phrase has nothing ‘romantic’ about it unless you obviously ignore the context and what is actually happening there. Harriet is being passive aggressive with Emma there, gaslighting her and blaming her for the loss of her first suitor BECAUSE HARRIET WANTS MR KNIGHTLEY for herself. Harriet is angry with Emma there because she realizes she loves Mr Knightley TOO and Emma has more chances than her. The most likely sentiment behind that flippant phrase for me is something along the lines of Harriet impulsively telling Emma to move aside and let her have Mr Knightley because she made her lose Robert Martin already. She is trying to make Emma feel guilty, subconsciously or deliberately, but this surely is how Emma herself perceives Harriet’s words too for the poor girl really thinks it makes her a bad person to accept Knightley’s proposal in spite of loving him back. Harriet made her believe she was stealing her man and yet, AND YET, had Harriet been a real friend, to begin with, she should’ve realized Emma’s feelings for him way before she deluded herself into thinking the guy wanted her. But Harriet never cares about Emma’s feelings and even their reconciliation in the end is all, still, about what Emma needs to do for her. Not a word from Harriet about being happy for her friend too. Nothing.

Listen, I really appreciate de Wilde’s attempt to make the Harriet/Emma dynamic better than it is in either the novel or other adaptations, even if it personally doesn’t convince me it’s friendship. But I get it. Like I said at the beginning, it’s important that movies display different kinds of love too beside romance and if you can’t do that with characters like Emma who are the protagonist then when you can even do that? I think it was valid for her and Catton to want to emphasize the fact that Emma, at her core, is truly young and lonely and she doesn’t have friends in the truest sense of the word (Mr Knightley is one, of course, but their point is more about her having a female companion too whom Emma could do more ‘girl’ things she can’t do with her husband or father) but, honestly, I maintain no adaptation ever truly got their relationship right. No one.  Overrating them and pretending that they are best friends forever when there is no substance for that is as incorrect as an interpretation of Austen’s writing as it is treating Harriet as a silly girl Emma barely tolerates. I appreciate the movie shows Emma’s conflict about Harriet when Knightley proposes to her because most of adaptations don’t do that: in the book she really, for a moment, feels so bad for Harriet and feels simultanously happy Mr Knightley loves her but also bad for taking the guy Harriet wants. She is no hero who wants to give up about him to let Harriet have the guy instead, though, but it isn’t like she doesn’t care either. She does and it’s a source of anguish for Emma and part of her character growth that she actually cares and feels empathy for Harriet.

However, if you want Emma to have a real female friend that’s not Harriet and that’s not really the story Austen wrote and the role she gave to Harriet. Like many academics pointed up, like many of Emma’s ‘mirrors’ in the story, Harriet is put there by Austen to emphasize Emma’s immaturity at the beginning and the fact she deliberately doesn’t choose her equals as friends and picks Harriet, instead, as her new pet project because her inferiority makes her easier to manipulate and, like Mr Knightley very eloquently points up, she makes Emma feel superior and more accomplished than she is. Emma doesn’t want to be friends with Jane, for example, because not only she could be more her equal but she actually does see her as superior in the aspects that make Emma the most vulnerable and insecure.

It’s great the movie gave more space to Emma’s relationship with Harriet, and I get that if you want to put the spotlight on female friendship too it’s either Harriet or Mrs Weston but also, let’s not pretend the movie wasn’t focused very much on her romance with Mr Knightley too, perhaps more than other adaptations did. People commend this adaptation for showing his feelings for her more and it’s true, but I will also argue that this movie does emphasize her feelings for him more than adaptations usually do for you really see Emma’s feelings and jealousy towards him before she even realizes her feelings. It’s obvious since their first scene when she’s waiting for him and runs to her piano because she wants to get noticed by him. Her breath constantly hitches when he’s close to her or because of her feelings for him, and she definitely reacts to dancing with him. She may not know her feelings from the start, she might be in her own ‘work in progress’ to figure everything out, but the movie makes it obvious to me that she loves him. If there is any adaptation where you want to be disingenuos about their chemistry and deny their romance, this really isn’t the one tbh. Look, if you want to headcanon Emma as bisexual you’ll find me agreeing with you, but pro LGBT readings and actual representation doesn’t mean, for me, shipping two characters together just because they are the same gender and the writers make them care about each other a bit, or give them screentime. Like I said at the beginning, if I wanted a gay adaptation of Emma I’d rather make Mr Knightley a woman than ship Emma with Harriet or Mrs Weston or Jane. Because regardless their genders, it’s the Knightley character the one Emma loves and wants to be with, and it’s this character who truly represents her best friend and the person who knows her best. It’s Knightley the only one who cares about her well being so much that when she is being the worst version of herself and no one cares, he is the one willing to tell her even if he hates doing that and he feels he’s destroying every chance he has to make her love him back. It’s the Knightley character who ultimately inspires her to be a better person and loves her in spite of her flaws.

[scentdiffuser01]

Hiya - how far do you personally believe “mclennon” went? Do you think it was unrequited love on Johns behalf, or that they had an actual relationship, or something else?

Hi anon! I'm sure this is a question that's been countlessly circulated around Tumblr's Beatles ecosystem, and I'm curious why it's me of all people that’s being asked this now lol.

To answer that, I believe their relationship was borderline romantic, but whether they pursued those feelings in a non-platonic way with each other, I don't really have an opinion. Honestly, there's little to no context of any sexual relationship between them either (cue Mr. Immovable Heterosexuality).

John and Paul were closely involved both professionally and personally with each other; their formative years were so intertwined that their partnership felt like a marriage. They were dying to get back and work together again during the Lost Weekend after those crazy, feuding years that I won't get into details without rambling for hours.

John never stopped thinking about Paul, always mentioning him or his new music everywhere he went, pretending he so much didn't care yet contradicts himself on the very next sentence (can someone link me back to that quote?) He left a tape labeled "For Paul", consisting of unfinished songs in hopes of linking them back together. And Paul, he was patient yet persistent; in 1976 he'd stand on John's front door during late hours with a guitar in hand, to the point where John himself couldn't approve of this unruliness. He cared about John's well-being above his selfishness, his wanting of John back into his life, and made the decision to convince him to return with Yoko. John needed a hook to keep him from straying afar, and at the time Yoko would've been more capable. There's so much I can get into this period, but you'll discover the story yourself given enough time.

Over four decades after John's death, Paul is still rather protective of what's left of John's legacy. He tells the world about the candidly good side of John Lennon - not as some superficial music god - but a person in his own right, a really good friend he deeply cares about all his life.

Without my reasonings, you'll find yourself agreeing that JohnandPaul was/is an unstoppable force either way. This whole essay was an excuse to vent about my obsession with them, in a simplified version of what I've been looking into every day. Hope you had fun reading it!

[austennerdita2533]

Hey!

I love Penelope Douglas for sure check her out! She writes some of the best smut tbh. I’m working my way through her devils night series right now-I’m on book 2. It’s good so far, definitely dark though. I’m interested to see how she goes about a redemption arc for the character Damon right now I don’t think he deserves one but I hear such good things about his book, Killswitch, but that’s book 3 so I will see how it goes. I definitely recommend Birthday Girl from her though I loved it and the couple from it are my favorite age gap could I’ve ever read. I find myself still re reading some of their best moments.

I am slightly embarrassed by Credence though so I hope it doesn’t bother you too much if you read it. Just so you know before going into it, it is about her and her step uncle/cousins. To be fair they are not blood related and very distance to the point she didn’t even know about them. But she does call him Uncle Jake during a sex scene, and the two others call her cousin during one too. There’s also a MMF scene with her two cousins. But on top of that there is a sexual assault scene (it does get stopped but the intent is there)-personally I wasn’t a fan of how she inwardly dealt with that scenario it felt like she was blaming herself for it instead of holding the other character accountable. Uncle Jake also does kiss her when she is still 17. So if any of that makes you uncomfortable don’t read it.

I’m so happy you liked the atlas six as much as I did. I can’t believe we have to wait until next year for the sequel to see what happens. It’s too long!! I also liked Callum the least, I still appreciated his character though and what he brings to the story I just wasn’t a fan of his, probably because of his problems with Libby/Parisa. Plus his powers terrify me-as someone who likes to have full control of my emotions the fact that someone could just change everything scares me. I also loved Nico he is my typical character that I love the whole I’m an asshole but soft and caring for the people I love gets me every time. Parisa is my queen though I’m obsessed with her. Like I’m literally in love with her, I wish she was real so she could be with me instead. Not that she would because I’m broke have 0 magic or power to give to her, but still. But I have a thing for power hungry women so I was gone the second I met her. But anyway if she was real she could destroy me or do anything she wanted to me and I would say thank you. Reina I also love and agree she could destroy the whole planet and one day probably will. I just love how she is there and wants all that knowledge but also doesn’t give a fuck about anyone else. Tristan also grew on me I’m still not completely sure how much I like or don’t like him yet he gets annoying sometimes because he is constantly in his mind about his alliances but I also love how loyal and caring he is. Libby is my girl!! I also relate to her as well since I was an outcast and battled inadequacy and all that (you and I must have some stuff in common!) Out of all the characters I relate to her the most and am rooting for her so hard-also because the author made her from Pittsburgh and I’m also from the area so I felt personally attached. But Olivie just did an interview and said Libby is getting a corruption arc and I am so excited about it!!

Okay ships- so I will be honest and I think it’s an unpopular opinion but oh well-I am a nicolibby stan. They have every single dynamic that I love in a ship and they could potentially be my favorite book couple of all time if that is the road they are being taken. Honestly I was obsessed with them from their first interaction so i have it bad for them. Obviously I know they were not romantic in this book but the potential (at least for me) was there especially in some of their quotes in the end. I fully believe they are soulmates though-even the author said they were born on the same day and feel like their other half is missing in an interview once-whether that will be platonic soulmates or romantic soulmates I have no idea and I could see either happening. My heart will break if it is platonic but it’s okay I can just live in my own little head about their potential.

But I get the idea and also like both libbytristan and NicoGideon and could see those happening instead of nicolibby too. I wouldn’t say I would be mad about it either-I do like both just to me the potential of nicolibby works more for me! My only thing about libbytristan though is I’m not sure how much of their tension/feelings are real (like did any of it exist before Parisa put the idea of the other person in their thoughts to lead to all the feelings.)

Weirdly enough since they probably my least favorite characters I also adore Tristan and Callum together. Their dynamic just works for me.

And I love Parisa and Dalton too and I’m so interested in how that relationship pans out because they have some stuff to figure out. But they work well together and honestly they are just so sexy together so I’m down for it. Although I do ship myself with Parisa more than her and Dalton but I’m biased.

Honestly though all the ships are wide open though so I’m curious to see what ends up being endgame. But omg yes the twist I was not expecting it-I’m so excited for the rest of this trilogy!!!

In other news though I finished up the ravenhood series. I know you said you either read it or it was on your tbr. But god I loved it. That series broke me and then put back all the pieces. If you haven’t read it and want to feel both heartbreak and happiness I highly recommend it!

Oh and don’t apologize for babbling as you can tell I also babble!!

-ACOTAR anon

Hiiiii sweets!

I've been sifting through a bunch of summaries of Penelope Doulgas' work on Goodreads and there's a bunch of stuff there I think I'd enjoy. I'm all about good smut. I didn't realize she had that many books. I'm excited! Thanks so much for the rec! I love dark romances/erotica every now and again so I'm also going to have to dive into the Devil's Night series at some point.

Oh, and idk if you know about it/read it but a couple of my friends told me about the Crossfire series by Sylvia Day a while back. It's BDSM, like Fifty Shades, but supposedly loads better. I don't know if you're into that but I figured I'd just throw it out there anyway. The smut is supposed to be steamy. I haven't read it yet but I do have the first four novels on my Kindle (where they've been sitting, unread, for about 2 years now)...so that's something haha.

And please don't be embarrassed about Credence. Seriously, the most wonderful thing about reading is you can go wherever tf you want in your imagination. No one can stop you. There are no rules. No restrictions. You can be whomever or whatever you want to be for a while, morality notwithstanding. One of my favorite things about books is that I can experience the most bonkers, outlandish out-of-this-world stuff that I'd never dream of wanting/liking in real life. It's liberating!

Thank you for the trigger warnings, though. I appreciate that. None of them sound off-putting enough to keep me from reading it. (Tbh, I want to read it more now.) I've read loads of books where characters marry or have sex with their cousins or siblings *waves at ASOIAF, the Secret History* so it doesn't bother me. I've also read most of Lolita and all of My Dark Vanessa by Kate Russell, which both romanticize pedophilia in disturbing degrees, so it takes a lot to put me off. If curiosity could kill then I'd be long dead by now. Hell, sometimes I will purposely read things I know will upset me to my core. What can I say? I'm a weirdo. 🙃

I DON'T WANT TO WAIT A YEAR FOR BOOK 2 OF THE ATLAS SERIES, EITHER. AHHHHH. How am I going to make it that long? It seems so far away!

Callum is the most terrifying of them all right now, imo. I think that's why I disliked him the most. Like you, it shook me to my core to imagine someone like him being able to toy with my emotions. I have a tendency to detach, to keep my emotions pressed close to my chest so that I can't be manipulated or hurt, and the idea that someone could have power over them, over me in that way is...no freaking thank you! I would put as much space between him and me as possible. Most of the Atlas crew had the right idea there. He does bring a lot to the story, though, like you said. I have a feeling he's going to be one of those characters I "love to hate" as the series progress. I might even grow to "hate to love" him, idk. He's just such a shady bastard! And so judgmental/mean to the girls.

I'm with you on Parisa, by the way. She's the kind of conniving, ambitious siren of a woman I can get behind. She has a similar vibe as Katherine Pierce on TVD. I mean, there's nothing in her arsenal she won't use and I love how she weaponizes her beauty. It's delicius. She's unpredictable. Definitely the type of character who inspires "scared and aroused" energy any time she walks into a room. Like, she could choke you and instead of crying you'd just ask her to do it again...harder lol.

Reina has the same kind of "no fucks given" attitude I have because I genuinely don't care what people think of me, either. I'm just here to do my thing. Be nerdy. Learn. Whatever. And Nico is my fave for the same reason as you--the asshole who only has soft edges for those who matter to him. *heart eyes*

Omg, Libby is going to have a corrupted arc? AHHHHH. That's going to be amazing, I cannot stinking wait! I was sort of hoping she'd go dark so now that it's confirmed I'm even more pumped. Also, I think you and I have more in common than either of us realized. I'm from the Pittsburgh area, too! How wild is that? Maybe there's something in the water here and that's why, like Libby, we've both felt inadequate and like outcasts at different points in our lives? Olivie might be onto something here...🤔

The thing that's been so cool for me about this series so far is that there are a bunch of potential pairings I could get behind. And I kind of like that it's not clear cut right now. Most series I know who I want together or who will be together like halfway through book 1. I like that I don't know have firm preferences and am still open. That's novel. Not to mention fun!

I don't blame you for shipping Nicolibby so hard, though. They're definitely one of my top contenders for a romantic pairing. They have that enemies-to-lovers element with witty banter that I always gravitate toward. And you're right about Libby/Tristan. I don't know how much of their connection was manufactured because Parisa intervened, either. That'll be fun to puzzle out moving forward. And Callum/Tristan should NOT be a ship I like but they have a palpable something that I can't put my finger on. I've got my eye on them, for sure.

The Ravenhood series is still on my tbr. I'm so happy to hear you enjoyed it so much, though! It's rare to read something that just ticks all your boxes. The next time I'm the mood to binge a series I'm gonna have to pick that one up. :-D

I've been trying to clear out my backlog of ARCs lately. (Not possible because I'm getting more on the regular - as in constantly haha - but I'm trying.) I just finished Wish You Were Here by Jodi Picoult, which has a Sliding Doors premise that is set during the pandemic where the main character has a parallel life experience (one, where she's in the Galapagos Islands on vacation when the shutdown hits so she's stuck there with strangers, alone, not speaking the language; the other, where she's in Manhattan with her surgeon boyfriend and recovering from COVID). It's intense but so, SO good! Picoult is such a good writer. Anything I've read by her has been moving, with rounded and real characters. I haven't been disappointed yet. I so recommend her.

Oh, and if you're into nonfiction/biographies at all I finished The Splendid and the Vile by Erik Larson not long ago, which is about Winston Churchill as well as those around him, and it was fantastic! Read more like fiction. I loved it. I am no longer surprised it was on all the BEST lists for 2020.

[dahlia-coccinea]

I reread Patsy Stoneman’s essay, “Catherine Earnshaw's Journey to Her Home among the Dead: Fresh Thoughts on Wuthering Heights and 'Epipsychidion,” and my feelings towards it pretty similar to how I feel about J. Hillis Miller’s essays. I enjoyed reading it but I don’t agree with 85% of it. I haven’t reread any of Miller’s takes (since there are a plethora of metaphysical interpretations it would be so repetitive) and that probably allows for me to still appreciate his essays as much as I do...I think rereading Stoneman’s essay was a bad idea because reading it a second time made it much less enjoyable and I read it much more critically.

There are a lot of similarities between the metaphysical and Romantic love narratives, and they also share a lot of the same failings. They tend to be very selective about what scenes are analyzed and they aren’t put into a larger context, and they tend to be the most poetic scenes. Typically these arguments cannot place the meaning of the 2nd generation into the context of the novel either. I’ve already said quite a bit about the metaphysical arguments, so I’m going to try and discuss just the points in this specific essay. Sorry parts may be a little repetitive because critics often bring up the same quotes and ideas again and again. And this will be very long.

First, Stoneman identifies that there are two popular theories about Catherine and Heathcliff’s relationship: “One is the myth of star-crossed lovers, who are cheated of marriage by social forces,” and then the metaphysical argument which, “presents Catherine and Heathcliff’s love as of a kind which is in itself incapable of social consummation.” She then volunteers a third option that is based on concepts of free love and/or “twin love” that can found in Romantic literature.

It is interesting, but I’m pretty sure Catherine also thinks she betrayed her own heart? She does tell Nelly she knows in her heart and soul she shouldn’t marry Edgar, and on her deathbed, she says “If I’ve done wrong, I’m dying for it.” I know some take it to mean she thinks that she didn’t do what was wrong to her, but she does add “You left me too” so I think she does agree with Heathcliff that she, in a way, left him. 

There is ample room in the novel to compare Heathcliff and Edgar as there are few similarities between them. The society in which they live is violent and hierarchical and that never seems to be questioned by any character - I think that is an important backdrop and allows for commentary on class, race, and gender. I don’t think this particularly has to do with how we view exclusive relationships. And based on the reasons Catherine gives for why she would marry one and not the other, I think Catherine understands she is limited by this society. Her reasons for marrying Edgar are all very practical.

Instead of any fulfillment, from the start, Nelly says Catherine struggled and had an “objection to her two friends meeting at all.” Catherine is aware they dislike each other from the start and this makes things more difficult for her as Hindley wants her to marry Edgar, Heathcliff is more and more remote, and the two of them are stuck suffering Hindley’s cruelty. Nelly even says during this time, “I’ve had many a laugh at her perplexities and untold troubles, which she vainly strove to hide from my mockery.” If what Stoneman says is true she would have to be beyond naive, if not utterly foolish, to think that a relationship with both Edgar and Heathcliff would be desirable for spiritual fulfillment after Heathcliff’s treatment at the Grange, or his throwing applesauce on Edgar (which this scene brings her to tears and she blames Edgar for Heathcliff’s resulting punishment). 

Stoneman does attempt to reconcile the Catherine confiding in Nelly that she knows in her heart and soul she is wrong to accept Linton’s proposal - she says this statement is negated by her insistence of never being parted from Heathcliff and that therefore means her love for him must simply be different and Romantic, rather than romantic/marriage-oriented. I’ve written a lot about this already but so I’ll just say that is pretty selective of the whole conversation with Nelly. 

Stoneman says, that from this scene and how we see Catherine greet Heathcliff this shows, “No sense of tragic irony seems to enter into her consciousness, nor any foreboding of difficulties.”? Seems to be a bit of an overstatement when you consider that Edgar’s proposal brings Catherine to tears because she feels she isn’t meant to be with him. She doesn’t excitedly tell Nelly that she loves them both, and she doesn’t seem very optimistic when she says Edgar, “must shake off his antipathy, and tolerate him, at least.” While idealistic in thinking Edgar would help Heathcliff she is still pragmatic in understanding how few options she has. She fears Heathcliff listening to this conversation and will be hurt by this, or him finding out how much she loves him. Is her "delirious” joy upon Heathcliff’s return really a sign of her lack of conformity and utter loss at understanding their jealously? Or is it more likely because she thought he might be dead for those three years? She also tirelessly spends the next 3 months balancing Heathcliff’s dislike of Edgar (which I believe also spurs her to continue concealing her feelings towards him), Edgar’s jealously, and a new fun problem: Isabella’s infatuation with Heathcliff. 

I won’t go into too much detail in this because it’s so similar to the metaphysical argument, but Stoneman notes that in Shelley’s ‘Epipsychidion’ there isn’t just the concept of free love but of “twin love” between 2 of the 3 person triangle, so it assumes that Catherine/Heathcliff could more platonic or at least asexual. 

In this interpretation Catherine “revises the traditional masculinity” of the “Romantic lover:” 

“Shelly’s experiment depended on women’s readiness to be generous and co-operative, and Catherine’s similar plan founders on the combative notion of masculinity endorsed by our culture. Attempting to ‘divide’ her love between men who seem to her too different to be rivals, she finds them transformed into the ‘chained friend’ and ‘jealous foe’ of convention.”

I don’t agree with the idea that Catherine sees them as too different to be rivals? She does compare them which casts them as two men vying for the position of her husband. Also, she based her decision to marry one and not the other on socioeconomic advantage, not who she loves more, or how they differ as people and might give her different kinds of love, although she points out her changing/more superficial and limited love for Edgar compared to the love she has for Heathcliff which are like the “eternal rocks beneath.”

Her love for Edgar is full of stipulations - she would “only pity him—hate him, perhaps, if he were ugly, and a clown.” Heathcliff’s degraded state does nothing to change her love, which is why I say her love for them is unequal. I honestly think saying she loves them equally yet differently, or that she is totally unaware of their jealousies is so preposterous based on the text, I don’t understand how so many critics, that have written extensively on the book all parrot it? Yet Stoneman continues to assert Catherine is “innocent” and “baffled” by their jealously. With almost everything she says about Catherine I find myself thinking, “well yes, but no?” For example, with this idea: 

“Catherine’s apparent self-destruction has to be seen, not as willful egotism, but as a despairing response to her two lovers’ failure to love her enough to share her attention”

I do think this is mostly true. It is not willful egotism, and she is upset that they can’t tolerate each other - but Catherine’s illness is a long-running problem that is closely associated with her relationship with Heathcliff and his absence that began after he first runs away. Through the next three years, she says she “endured very, very bitter misery.” I’d say it has nothing to do with her feelings towards Edgar who she has been making herself distant during this whole time while telling Heathcliff (in spirit since he isn’t actually in the room): “If I dare you now, will you venture? If you do, I’ll keep you.”

Again I do somewhat agree with Stoneman’s interpretation of Catherine telling Heathcliff, “you and Edgar have broken my heart,” which Stoneman says, “can only be explained if we accept that while Catherine still relates to both her lovers, Edgar and Heathcliff have broken her heart by defining love as exclusive.” I think they do break her heart by their selfishness over her, and I think she never intends to hurt either of them. She has at different times suffered to protect one or the other. But this still doesn’t change her stronger, unconditional, yet socially unacceptable and thwarted love for Heathcliff. Her issue isn’t the loss of Edgar, they broke her heart by both behaving in a way that cast Heathcliff from her company. Divorce was not really an option for her - the most dysfunctional couple in the novel, Heathcliff and Isabella, never legally separate even. So why wouldn’t she try to keep the peace between them to be near Heathcliff? The Romantic love interpretation is difficult to reconcile with her rejection of Edgar which happens on a few occasions and most apparent when she tells him, “What you touch at present you may have; but my soul will be on that hill top before you lay hands on me again. I don’t want you, Edgar: I’m past wanting you. Return to your books. I’m glad you possess a consolation, for all you had in me is gone.” 

As the essay went on I felt it got weaker. Stoneman says Catherine’s haunting of Heathcliff must be read as an “appeal against his failures of generosity.” Not because she wishes she was never parted from him, as Catherine herself said? Catherine doesn’t seem to die with any animosity towards Heathcliff - she forgives him for leaving her, asks for forgiveness, and tells him, “You never harmed me in your life.” 

**** EDIT *** I just meant that he goal isn’t to punish Heathcliff, since before her death she makes it clear she doesn’t want to parted from him. I do prefer the theory that she she haunts him in part to call him off his revenge and harming those she loves and to bring him back to her. I don’t think her ghost is static or simply a “reward” for Heathcliff despite all the wrong he did. I think she does become “incomparably above and beyond” them all and remains a force as she was in her life. Or she could be not a ghost at all and he encounters with could be proof of Heathcliff’s madness and later becomes a simple old folktale and superstition. (I’ll admit I like to view the ghosts are real and I think there number of references to them by other characters do suggest that we are meant to read them that way). ***

After Catherine’s death, Stoneman says, “There is, after all, something in the haunting which the usual readings of the novel fail to explain. If the ghost of Catherine wails to be let in, and Heathcliff begs her to return, what is it that keeps them apart?” I think we’d have to all agree that what Lockwood saw was actually a ghost, and I have seen this interpreted a million times? Stoneman says it is Heathcliff’s own “implacable obsession with revenge, which effectively shuts her out of his consciousness.” Which I could agree if we are reading it assuming the ghosts are real...but then she says that Heathcliff reaches his heaven only as he abandons his revenge against Edgar and “at last he ‘comprehends in his person’ the preposterous simultaneity of her loves.” This made no sense to me. I don’t see any reason for thinking he begins to accept Catherine’s love for Edgar, which he kind of already had? He tells Nelly that he doesn’t physically hurt him for that reason, he just also believes she loves him more. And I would say he does defeat Edgar and Hindley? Just because he can’t also destroy Hareton and Cathy II doesn’t negate that in his lifetime he outlives his enemies and has control of everything and everyone at Wuthering Heights and Thrushcross Grange (which he never shows signs of regretting his actions). It might not have gone as far as he originally planned, but I would say he does sort of win. And his abandonment of revenge isn’t ever associated with Edgar? Heathcliff does give some insight to what causes him to lose interest in his plot, an aspect of it being the connection to Hareton. In a discussion between him and Nelly he tells her she may think he’s insane “if I try to describe the thousand forms of past associations and ideas he (Hareton) awakens or embodies.” It is because of this intense association with him that he says, “his society is no benefit; rather an aggravation of the constant torment I suffer: and it partly contributes to render me regardless how he and his cousin go on together. I can give them no attention any more.” I believe the last time Heathcliff mentions Edgar is right after his death and he tells Nelly that, “I wish he’d been soldered in lead,” and goes on to describe yet another plot against Edgar by having his and Catherine’s graves opened on the side nearest each other so that they don’t have any barriers between them and then, "by the time Linton gets to us he’ll not know which is which!” So the idea he softens towards Edgar or becomes more willing to share Catherine in any way is...improbable to me. 

The theory also suffers (like so many others), in ignoring the ending when forming the narrative. Stoneman mentions the three graves and says that the people seeing Heathcliff and Catherine’s ghosts are basically country folk who are inclined to sympathize with “Heathcliff's final possession of his 'woman’” and also most readers fall into these same “hegemonic constructions” by not considering that the "the sleepers in that quiet earth” are at peace together. I agree with @princesssarisa that it doesn’t quite fit into the fact that many of the people that see the ghosts didn’t support or even know of Heathcliff and Catherine’s relationship - the young shepherd boy doesn’t seem to know who Catherine even is. To also say that the reader is projecting their desired ending doesn’t feel right because the ending is something that Heathcliff and Catherine have been foreshadowing through the whole book. Catherine says, “I’ll not lie there by myself: they may bury me twelve feet deep, and throw the church down over me, but I won’t rest till you are with me. I never will!” She doesn’t refer to Edgar, who she says can be buried anywhere, it doesn’t matter to her (poor Edgar). She also tells Heathcliff, “I shall not be at peace,” and “I only wish us never to be parted,” as well as other similar quotes implying that she will be waiting for Heathcliff to come to her. I don’t like the view that Catherine is so lacking agency in her relationship with Heathcliff either - I’ve never thought that he “possesses” her. She’s the one who makes the demand that he leave the world behind and join her - the end does seem to be him finally following her, as she says he always does. 

And then, what of Cathy and Hareton? How do we reconcile the narrative with the features of the second generation? It would seem, if we assume Catherine has a differing yet equal love of the two men, and wished for a relationship where they can be peaceful together, and then the only scene we have of them together is in their graves, it feels pessimistic. Our one Shelleyan model is dead and buried with two people incapable of overcoming their jealousies and possessiveness. When considering the ending with Hareton and Cathy, would we have to conclude this a cautionary tale of Catherine’s naivety? Stoneman does make almost this suggestion and says it could also be because Emily had watched Branwell and Charlotte get hurt by love married people, so it could be showing what tragedy befalls if love is selfish and possessive. Though there is nothing to suggest that Hareton and Cathy love isn’t any of those things? 

I must be terribly boring because I think the easiest way of describing Catherine and Heathcliff is that they are, “star-crossed lovers, who are cheated of marriage by social forces.” Obviously, that is simplistic and glosses over their more spiritual aspects and certainly, they are not how the 1939 film interpreted them, which Stoneman rightly says, “recasts the novel in class terms as 'the story of the stable-boy and the lady’” - but I still think its closer than saying they are models of Freudian psychology, siblings, celestial beings, or Shelleyan. There certainly is spirituality and complexities in their love, and throughout the plot, as well as other characters, but it is still very much possible to read too deeply into double meanings and what is left unsaid.

My end take - some lyricism of Epipsychidion is echoed in quotations from Catherine and I would have much preferred to compare and contrast the two works rather than the attempt to shoehorn the rest of the story into a similar narrative. I think if you made a comparison to just the part after Heathcliff returns, a really interesting and strong argument could be made about how Catherine does try to create a similar relationship as described in Shelley’s work. I don’t think the situation was ever her ideal, but she certainly has no desire to be cunning or vampish - that’s not in her nature, and her relationship with Heathcliff doesn’t necessitate them having sex. She does try to put into practice a semi-Romantic love triangle but I don’t think she harbors any delusions of Edgar’s and Heathcliff’s animosity. Rather than a bohemian approach, it is her forcefulness and controlling that keep them both at bay. Tellingly she tells Nelly, “I believe I might kill him (Edgar), and he wouldn’t wish to retaliate.” She feels confident in her sway over him to get what she wants and she wants to be able to continue her relationship with Heathcliff in any way she can. It’s not necessary to revise and add new narratives to situations in the novel that are clearly able to be discerned from the text - such as Heathcliff’s failing desire for revenge or people seeing their ghosts at the end. I don’t think Epipsychidion is a terribly good lens to read Catherine through as her love can also be jealous, selfish, and possessive. There are too many aspects of Catherine’s character that conflict with the ideas Epipsychidion expresses.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #456

“i don’t even need your love, but you treat me like a stranger, & that feels so rough”

What was the longest time you’ve had the hiccups for? I know at LEAST over an hour. I was in agony. What type of TV shows are your favourite? Animal docs. Have you ever been a complete fangirl/fanboy over anything? Bitch I still am lmao. Do you know anyone who has died in battle? No. When was the last time you went on an adventure? Bro, I could NOT tell you. I haven't had one of those in what feels like eons. What brand is your vacuum cleaner? I actually don't know. I don't pay attention. Are you good at rapping? Never tried, but I'm sure I'd be awful. I stutter too much. Name one world issue that upsets you. Just ONE????????? Well, I can name homelessness as very high on the list. How do you feel about tanning? I hate it. I can't stand the heat, so why would I deliberately go bake in it? Have you ever given a public speech? Yeah, in front of the whole 4th and 5th grade when I was innnn... one of those grades, idr which. It was for my D.A.R.E. essay. Do you read comic books? No. Do you force your way into conversations in which you are not involved? NOOOOOOOOOOO I'm way too awkward. Kiss with your eyes open or closed? Bro who tf kisses with their eyes open, that shit is creepy. Do you believe you can change someone? No. One can only change themselves. How did you react when your first pet died? I have no memory of our first pet. Have you ever drawn anime? No. Can you use a pogo stick? When I was a kid, I became a MASTER. I got one for I want to say Christmas and I was obsessed. When’s the next time you’ll see the person that you like? Idk, first he needs to get on Facebook and see I messaged him alsdkfjalkdj. He like never gets on there. Do you like bathing/showering? No. One, it's a chore, and two, it's actually painful for me, standing up so long and propping my legs up and stuff like that to clean myself properly. Have you ever considered entering a race? HEEEEEEEEEEELL no. Rihanna or Lady Gaga? Probably Gaga, idk. Who was your first good kiss with? Jason. What accessory do you want in your bedroom? I actually kinda want a TV now? What do you take the most pictures of? Flowers. What are you always in the mood for? Lately, Krispy Kreme donuts, lol. I haven't had one in a very long time, but goddamn does a hot glazed donut sound BANGIN' right now and has for days. What is something that you never turn down? Hm... how am I blanking??? What is something that you always turn down when offered? Certain foods or drinks, like tea. Name something sexy about your significant other. I don't have one'a those. What is one of your hobbies that you refuse to give up? Um, idk. As interests work, I may move away from any hobby eventually. If you could be a professional in any sport what would it be? Dance. If you could be a professional at any instrument what would it be? Violin. Would you rather be a surgeon or mortician? A mortician. That job doesn't even seem all that bad to me? I think it'd be kinda chill somehow???? I could NEVER be a surgeon. I'd be terrified of fucking something up. Have you ever been on a subway? No. Are you in love? No. Do you like having your lip softly bitten when you’re kissing? *eyes emoji* Do you want to get married when you’re older? Yes. What was the last band shirt you wore? PROBABLY my Metallica shirt? But I'm unsure, ultimately. You can have a milkshake right now. What flavor do you choose? Ugh, I've been wanting a nice chocolate milkshake for a while. Have you ever given someone flowers? For Mother's Day one year, I collected some wildflowers to put in a jar for Mom. I've also given Jason roses before. I really wanted to give Sara some when I surprised her for her birthday, but I didn't want to ask her parents to drive me somewhere where I could buy her some, ha ha. What day of the week is usually your busiest day? None. My days are all the same. Do you have any concerts coming up? No, but UGH, I was so hyped a few days ago because I saw Motionless In White was going on tour next year, but of course they're going to the big city on the OTHER end of the state versus the capital, which I'm way closer to. -_- Bands ALWAYS choose Charlotte on the super rare occasion they come to NC... Do you like or hate the smell of fish? Ugh, I hate it. What’s your favorite brand of chips? Doritos, maybe? Between Mountain Dew and those... I am such a fucking gamer stereotype lmfao. Have you ever written a poem and then read it aloud? I think I had to before in school? Idr. Do you like pineapple? Love it. Does your house have a dishwasher? Yes. A dishwasher is one thing I MUST have in my own future house. I cannot stand touching dirty dishes. Do you know anyone who has a flower tattoo? Oh, absolutely. Sunflower tattoos are especially popular around here. How many different languages can you say goodbye in? English, German, and uhhh Spanish? Agree or disagree: You like Adam Sandler movies. I don't mind them. I've never understood the hate, honestly? I think he's capable of being funny. Have you ever had to get a tooth pulled? If so, what for? Only by myself when I was a kid losing my baby teeth. Have you ever dated anyone while they were in jail? Nooooo. If you’ve ever babysat, do you like it? Fuck no, I hate it. What is your favorite flavor on sunflower seeds? I don't like those. Do you get cold easily? No, but I get hot extremely easily. Do you get a lot of spiders in your house? I don't think so, no. Do you admire nature? I positively adore nature. If only we treated it better... Name one naughty thing you’ve done. Done sexual things in places I probably shouldn't have, oops. Name two of your favorite things as a child. Pokemon and Webkinz. Do you own a Pillow Pet? No. They're cute, though. My niece has one. Do you tend to solve problems with violence? Absolutely not. Have either of your parents gone to jail? No. Do you know a hoarder? Yes. Do you wax, pluck, or leave your eyebrows? I just leave 'em be, honestly. Do you have any interesting scar stories? Not really. Do you hate the texture of meatballs? No, I love me some meatballs. Do you get migraines? Very, very rarely. They fucking suck. Do you like guns? NOOOOOOO guns terrify me alsd;kjfal;sdjfk Are turtles amazing creatures? All animals are. :') How much time do you spend taking surveys? A whole lot. It's just that I'm like... always bored and the randomness of surveys can add interesting little flares to the day, I guess. Would you rather visit: The Eiffel Tower or Egyptian Pyramids? Pyramids, for sure. Would you like to work at a candy shop? No. I don't want to work directly with people. Do you have feelings for someone? It's funny; now that I've settled the extreme indecision, I've come to realize that they're very strong feelings. How you go from being indecisive to really, really liking somebody, hell if I know. Which one of your guy friends is the best looking? Uhhh Girt is like my only real guy friend, so I guess it's by default him, ha ha. I'm not particularly attracted to him, but he's not ugly by any means. Do you have anything to say to your ex bf/gf? I'm so sorry. Which band do you have the most of on your iPod/music player? Either Ozzy or Metallica. Most likely Ozzy, though. Which song describes your mood at the moment? Hm. I dunno. Which movie(s) do you quote the most? None, really. Which one of your best friend’s friends would you most likely date? None; we don't share irl friends, being many states apart, and not even that many online ones. Would you ever let anybody else drive your car? I don't have my own car. Which one of your friends will be the most successful? I'm not psychic. What store did you last shop at? Mom and I picked up a Wal-Mart order the other day. Do you think telepathy is real? Absolutely not. When did you last draw something for fun? A few days ago, I started a drawing of Maieykio for Sara. Who makes the most in your entire family? I have no idea. Do you like writing essays? I don't mind, if the topic interests me. Do you think plastic surgery is no big deal? Nah. Well, I think you can take it to an visual extreme, but that's just my opinion. Do what makes you comfortable in your own body. Do you take your trash to the dump or have it picked up? It's picked up. When you sneeze do you sneeze into your shirt or your hands? The inside of my elbow. Do you usually have sex in the morning, noon or night time? It usually happened at night. Did you ever fail your learners/drivers test? Haven't taken it yet. Would you rather listen to Luke Bryan or Lil Wayne? OH MY GOD NEITHER Name someone you’ve become a lot closer to recently: No one, really? Well, unless you count my change of feelings for Girt, but it's just that: a type of change. I've loved him platonically since high school, and it's like, I feel the same for him, just in a romantic way now? Does your car have a sunroof? No. Are you closer to your mom or your dad? My mom. Have you ever had a friend with benefits? Nope, not how I roll. Who’s the last person you cuddled with? Sara. Unless you count my cat. Are you friends with any of your teachers on Facebook? Former teachers, yes. I feel kinda bad for 'em now... They're all the sweetest, God-fearing people, and then there's my outspoken (online) and liberal ass sharing shit that's gotta disappoint them now lmaoooo.

[booksandwords]

Autoboyography by Christina Lauren

Read time: 2 Days Rating: 4/5

The quote: This is how we reveal ourselves: these tiny flashes of discomfort, the reactions we can’t hide. — Tanner Scott

Autoboyography is a wonderful book that enjoys a lot of praise. I really enjoyed it. This review ended up being quite lengthy. I have chosen to focus largely on the characters of Autoboyography which I really appreciated. This is a well thought out and designed story, intended to provoke thought in readers. Not just about religion and relationships but maybe about themselves a bit. It deals with The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints referred to as LDS with at least some dignity, more than is normal.

The opening is great, a walk through the relevant parts of Tanner's life and clarification on the LDS. Some stereotypes are displayed, these are still high school students. The LDS we all think of are those on their Mission. The pacing of the plot is at least reasonable, it fits the relationship. Especially after the line "You've always led with your heart first and your heart second, but I need you to think about this one." (Jenna to Tanner, p 100). There are a couple of moments that are questionable. A convenient change in the enrolment numbers for the Seminar (14 to 15), one frequently mentioned moments comes to nothing. The plot is described as Tanner falling in love with Sebastian, which just feels right it really is that simple and that complicated. The ending feels right. An HFN was almost certain but it was the journey that I was unsure of and really enjoyed.

Characters are multidimensional and of their circumstances. With Emily and Jenna wholly distrustful to the point of nearly hating LDS due to their previous experiences with it. Paul knows what could have been and knows the situation his son his in, as well as his familial history having a role to play. Due to the differences between the families, Tanner and Sebastian don't face the same concerns or restrictions within their relationship, though both have the same source to a degree. Tanner's family objects to Sebastian's religion. Sebastian's family stringently objects to same-sex relationships. Autoboyography is one of those books that shows love in multiple forms. Familial, in different forms. Romantic between the protagonists, it's complicated and messy. Platonic between friends and unrequited love as well. Autoboyography has some wonderful quotes about love, faith, family and friendship.

Tanner 'Tann' Scott is a bi, senior and transplant to Provo, Utah from Palo Alto, California, a move that put him firmly back in the closet. Even his best friend, the brilliant Autumn doesn't know his true sexuality. His parents are extremely supportive of his sexuality but don't want him to get hurt in the very Mormon town he now lives in. His subject strengths are in the math/science stream. he's an honors student essentially with his pick of universities. After accepting a challenge to join the Seminar, a semester-long book writing course he is introduced to local celebrity Sebastian Brother. Tann's attraction to Sebastian is instantaneous  "His smile ruins me." (Tanner, p 22) which is a great line, I remember being bowled over like that. His fast movement from infatuation to love is interesting to read. Tanner is helpless to resist even though he knows he should (Sebastian is in the same position there). His coping mechanisms are sometimes healthy, sometimes destructive, reading both in the same character added a great depth. I quite like Tanner, because of how this book his written I could feel his anger and pain.

Sebastian 'Seb' Brother is a published author tutoring the Seminar Tan is in. After the semester is over he goes on book tour than on his two year Mission. While he is attracted to men, he doesn't identify as gay. His father is the local Bishop as such his family are expected to lead by example in both word and deed. Seb's family are very welcoming and accepting of Tann when they meet him. Sebastian's experimentation and reluctance to label (and hair-splitting) were extremely off-putting. I've been known to DNF a book for less, despite what I said earlier, that was more about Tann's reaction rather than Seb's choices. "I'm not gay, I'm not straight, I'm me" (Sebastian, p 224). The very thing that makes him off-putting makes him a great character, it's the circumstances and expectation (familial and communal) that make the person. He also has a hidden passion that is shown only at the right times but it was definitely needed, and it, not a small streak either.

In the support cast, there is a standout. Auddy. Autumn Summer Green. Tann's best friend, she is ride or die but with a complication. Those unhealthy coping mechanisms I was mentioning, they relate to her. My one question about her is how can she be so beautiful and accepting of everything that happens? It's not passivity she's just a really well written best friend. But Tann's family are great. There is a lot going on there. Full acceptance of Tann's sexuality, but wanting to protect him from the pain they experienced. "How would this be any different from his parents saying guys are off-limits?" "It's completely different. Among a hundred other reasons, going to church is a choice.. Being bisexual is simply who you are I'm protecting you from the toxic messages of the church." (Tanner and Jenna, p 99).

One of the minor problematic elements in Autoboyography is a sense of abuse between Tanner and Sebastian. It's psychological, not physical and it called out but not in words. Some people won't have an issue with it due to the context but I did. Your identity is your own if Sebastian (or a real-life person) wants to live their life according to a religious doctrine rather that is their prerogative. There is of course the larger issues of homophobia. The LDS elements may be an issue for some readers. It is core to the plot and cannot be ignored. Those with a particular issue or history with such religions/ doctrines/ cults should read with care. I make no judgements on organised religion here.

Reading the acknowledgements I read something interesting. "We started talking about this book years ago; Cristina worked in a junior high counselling office in Utah, and Saw teen after teen coming through who honestly believed, devastatingly, that their parents would probably rather have a dead child than a gay one. As a woman who grew up bi in the queer-friendly world of the Bay-Area, Lauren felt a social obligation to reach out to teens whose experiences weren't as easy". I like that this is where Autoboyography came from. Built on their experiences with at-risk teens. Given this was the source of the idea I love the inclusion a resource section. The Song of Achilles is entirely unsurprisingly, it is hugely popular and stunning. Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe has been on my tbr for far too long. The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert is an absolute classic and is also a brilliant stage musical. LGBTQ Reads I'd never heard of but it's really good. If I may add my own recommendations; The Gentleman's Guide to Vice and Virtue by Mackenzi Lee (it's my purple pride book) and Cemetry Boys by Aiden Thomas (own voice Trans POC).

[bexterbex]

A Soul to Mend His Own | Ch. 44

Warning, PLEASE CHECK TAGS IF YOU SEE SOMETHING YOU DON’T WANT TO READ THEN DON’T READ.

Tags: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Will tag as I go along, Will update tags, Slow Burn, Influenced by Star Trek and other Sci-Fi themes, References to We Happy Few, Tons of References and quotes to George Orwells 1984 see if you can find them all, The First Order is the new Big Brother,  but who is really surprised, Blatant Nazi Symbolism, Interrogation Themes, Eventual Smut, Eventual Romance, Really just drawn out Slow Burn, Don’t repost without permission, Torture themes, Suggestive Themes, Execution themes, Disturbing Themes, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Verbal Abuse, Controlling Kylo Ren, Physical Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Kylo Ren is Not Nice, Kylo Ren Has Issues, Supreme Leader Kylo Ren, Possessive Kylo Ren

A Kylo Ren x Modern! Reader in a soulmate au with some canon divergence. —————————————SLOWBURN————————————–

He is already the Supreme leader, searching the universe to find you, his Empress. Your name on his wrist has been the only constant in his life, while you have doubts about his existence and his acceptance of you. He isn’t in the database and why did the name Kylo Ren cover Ben Solo?

MASTERLIST

Chapter 44: Facing the Consequences

You awoke with pressure behind your ear. As you become more conscious you realized Kylo was leaving a love mark behind it, for whatever reason. “Ah, Kitten is awake. Good, I need to go to training.” He got up from behind you before pulling you up to do the same.

It was just as early as the other morning you had watched him train. You weren’t coherent enough for this, but he had said that he was going to keep an eye on you so that is what he intended on doing. You were a kitten on a leash or a songbird in a cage. You were attached to his hip.

You got up and got ready this time putting on a turtleneck and trousers in an attempt to hide his love marks. You did a subtle amount of makeup in an attempt to draw attention to your face and not the dark bruise behind your ear. When you came out of the bathroom Kylo hooked a finger in your collar while his lips grazed your cheek before whispering in your ear, “I know exactly what you are doing Kitten.” His finger then widens the opening of your neck while his lips dipped down to make one of your marks darker. His other hand came to squeeze your ass, “Mmm Kitten there is no time to play.”

He was telling you there was no time to play? He was the one obsessed with playing with you, you wanted to be left alone. He was the horny one, your spark mostly ignited when he kissed you or touch you in certain ways. Your body often betraying your brain.

Like the last time, you and he were to have breakfast after training. You were greeted by the lieutenant as usual. You all made your way to the room, the only real difference this time was the presence of Captain Phasma. You joined her and Hux on the outside of the circle. Phasma moved so they were now on either side of you.

Kylo and the knights proceeded to spar. He routinely glanced in your direction, you couldn’t tell if it was because he needed to make sure you were there or if it was because he was looking for something else. You made the conscious decision to ignore him.  

The lieutenant produced a cup of stimcaf for you without you having to ask. That man needed a pay raise, you thought as you brought the just right temp liquid to your lips.

You were the first to speak in your little group, “I have been tasked to choose a lady in waiting. And I have no idea how to do it.”

You watched the general who contemplated your predicament, but it was Phasma who spoke up first. “The girl from the shopping center. She seemed to be knowledgable enough about what you would need.”

Before you could respond the Hux asked, “what was her name?”

“Olivia-Rose Gordon,” responded Lieutenant Mitaka.

This caused Hux to look up something on his data pad, “She is 27, unmarried, matchless, no children, a clean record. She would be a good candidate.”

Your head was spinning. “I can’t just ask her to be my lady in waiting.”

“Why not,” asked Phasma.

“Because she might feel pressured to accept and then she will be trapped in space far from home,” the weight of your words not fully hitting you yet.

“I assure you m’lady she will not be trapped. She will be given one of the most prestigious positions in the galaxy. She will be able to travel with you and given many luxuries your planet cannot offer her.”

Your mind was frozen. You knew she would be trapped with you if you were to ask her, would it even be fair? Before you could respond Phasma spoke once more, “she seemed taken with you m’lady, and she seemed interested in the opportunity to travel, she asked about it during her registration.”

“Send someone out of uniform to ask her, I don’t want her to be pressured into it. If she says no, we will need to respect that.”

“As you wish m’lady,” responded the general who then seemed to type out the order on his data pad.

You then just all seem to watch the training, your mind drifted back to the horrifying thought that you will no longer be able to be home in a matter of minutes. That small rational part of your brain kept telling you that you will still be in the solar system for a few days. That you will still be home in a sense.

Your mind then drifted to all the memories you didn’t get to make, all of the Friday nights going out to the bars with Carter and Hayden, all of the birthdays with your nieces and nephews, all of the holidays back at your parents’ place. You had no idea when you would become empress so you had no idea when you would be able to come back, if at all.

If Kylo was any other man you could simply reason with him to end any sort of romantic relationship, and just be platonic matches. You could then be free, and not caged like you are now, but he wasn’t any other man, and your heart wouldn’t be able to take it. You had to face the fact that you loved him, as twisted as he was becoming you did love him.

Another thought drifted into your mind, who would he choose? You were allowed to pick one of your ladies-in-waiting but who would he choose? Did he already know her? Did you already know her? Come to think of it you had yet to ask the general what happened while you were gone. How did Kylo react?

“Tell me general, how did he react to my departure?”

“I was able to have the damage done to your chambers repaired before we returned, but just barely. There are still several communications terminals that need repairs, an entire squadron of ‘troopers are still recovering in the medical bay, as is that female officer,” his voice trailed off.

“Oh, no what did he do to her,” you ask.

“It wasn’t pleasant, to say the least, she has a broken clavicle, a fractured sternum, several cracked ribs, a dislocated shoulder, and broken femur.”

“Why did he do it,” you were concerned you had rather liked her.

“Several reasons apparently, in his eyes she failed to report that you were leaving, both the lieutenant and I had orders from you one way or another as to not tell him, she did not. She had taken a few pieces of jewelry while you were packing, and she has had a not so subtle infatuation with the Supreme Leader. This is not uncommon among some of the younger female officers. Especially if they have had the chance to see him without his helmet.”  

“Even if she did do all that she didn’t deserve to be beaten like that.”

“I say she got off better than execution,” replied Phasma. “She also attempted to seduce him once he cornered her.”

You felt as if you were not talking about the same sweet girl that helped you pack. “But she should have been demoted and reassigned, not have the crap beaten out of her.”

“I would have executed her,” commented Phasma.

You looked at her.

“What? It’s what I would have done,” she reasoned. Even through her helmet, you could hear that she was honestly telling the truth.

“I still feel bad, maybe I should go and apologize to her.”

“I don’t think that would be a wise decision m’lady. I also do not believe the Supreme Leader would allow it,” said Hux.

You frowned. Of course, he wouldn’t, but then again he would probably want to escort you so maybe it was for the best, not having him near her.

Kylo and the knights were wrapping up training, all of the high ranking officers done giving him their morning debriefings. Soon you would be at his will once more, following him wherever he pleased. He took your arm in his and took you back to your chambers.

You both ate breakfast before he got ready for the day, while he was in the shower Trudgen and Kuruk were waiting with you along with the lieutenant. You felt as if this was to tell you there would be no running away while he was busy. Once ready he informed you that he had one last meeting at the White House, to set up General Parnadee as the Commander of Earth.

You went about down the halls to the hangar where you were greeted by the large entourage of Hux, Parnadee, Phasma, Pyre and an escort of ‘troopers. Throughout the flight down to the surface Hux and Parnadee were discussing some of the importance of what she would be doing along with how many ‘troopers she would be expected to recruit initially.

The shuttle lands and you all depart. Kylo’s grip on your arm tightens and you feel the Force around you do too. No running. Even if you did have the chance to run, where would you run to?  

Your parents would send you back, as would Carter and Hayden. The education they had received would be sure of that. You had no idea what state of mind your siblings would be in but you were pretty sure they were in the same boat. The entire planet was in the same boat. Your ark. And it was your covenant with Kylo that would keep it afloat. Your covenant would end the floods, and the suffering they may receive.

Before you and Kylo enter the room the Hux asked to speak to you for a moment, and by you he meant both of you seeing as Kylo refused to let you go.

“M’lady we have received an answer to your inquiry from earlier this morning,” said Hux.

“We have,” you honestly didn’t expect an answer so soon.

“Yes, m’lady. She has agreed to take the position as your lady-in-waiting. She will join you tomorrow on your departure from the Steadfast to the Supremacy. I have made arrangements for everything she will need. One of our seamstresses will assist you with packing, the lieutenant was kind enough to make an itemized list of your purchases, and everything will be checked. After that, any other trip you shall take one of your ladies-in-waiting will help you prepare,” responded Hux.

Really, he was the one running things, making sure the whole First Order was together and operating with stellar efficiency. Whereas Kylo was the hammer that cracked down anytime he saw fit. He had others do the work, but he made sure those others were people that could do their jobs. Just as he was going to have you be his diplomat. He was an enforcer, a brute, a beast. You would be refined, tame, and calculated. You needed to keep a closer eye on the general to learn tips from him. He almost always knew when to bite back at Kylo and when to hold off, but you suppose it was because they have been doing this dance longer than you had, and he knew all the steps.

Kylo then had Hux enter the room and you were left alone in the hallway with him. A hand came to hook itself under your chin to bring your eyes to meet his, or rather where his were supposed to be under his helmet.

“You will behave yourself. Your people are to believe that Earth is completely under General Parnadee’s control and therefore my control. They are not to know exactly when we are leaving. You will remain quiet unless it is called upon you to speak, do I make myself clear Kitten?”

“Yes, you made yourself very clear, Kylo,” you respond. You could feel his grip on your chin tighten as you said his name. But you had an agreement that if he called you Kitten when you were alone that meant you could call him Kylo.

He released your chin only after his leather-clad thumb swept over your lips, if he wasn’t wearing the helmet he would have kissed you. You entered the room together, much seemed the same except for all the projectors seemed to have video conferences with all of your world’s major leaders, like a giant U.N. meeting. Upon your entrance, everyone stood and gave a weird sort of salute, and in unison said, “Long Live the Supreme Leader.”

All of the eyes of the world leaders looked different than from just over a week ago, they now looked dead. Their eyes had no life behind them, no soul. You were afraid, you were very afraid. Your ark was now tainted with sin, the devil had won. Your people were no longer your people anymore. You were alone in the galaxy.

[dinosaurs-last-day]

@nobodystentacle more Remy angst?!?!? You have a one track mind my friend. I can’t promise it will be any good, but I try. Sorry, this took slightly longer than I expected! 

Note: this can be read as platonic or romantic, I don’t care which. 

Go under the cut for story! Or, you can read it here on ao3!

---------------

“Remy darling, I love coffee as much as the next person, but don’t you think seven cups in a single morning is a bit extreme?” Janus asked as he watched Remy pour himself another cup of pure black coffee in the kitchen.

“Nah babes,” Remy said, laughing nervously, filling his mug to it’s limit. “I don’t think there’s such a thing as too much coffee, besides, I love the rush it gives me.” 

Logan cleared his throat. “Actually, there is definitely such thing as too much coffee. If you-” Remy shushed him, not wanting to hear whatever scientific thing Logan was about to start quoting. 

“I’m fine, I just like my coffee.” He walked out of the room, avoiding more questions. The moment he wasn’t visible, Remy yawned, his body begging for sleep. But Remy knew sleep wasn’t a good idea, he couldn’t deal with any of the nightmares he’d been dealing with. Remy physically cringed at the thought of those nightmares. He hadn’t told anyone about them because he wasn’t sure how to properly explain them without sounding crazy, and he didn’t want to feel like a burden to his friends. They all had their own lives and problems, they didn’t need Remy’s problems on top of all that. 

Remy decided that he was going to do something active, something that he couldn’t fall asleep doing. He poured his coffee in a travel container and headed out the front door for a long walk. 

~

Janus waited until he heard the door close, making sure that Remy was gone. 

“I think coffee boi out there has a sleep problem,” Janus said, turning to Logan. 

“Why do you say that?” Logan asked, looking up from his book.

“Look at him. He loves coffee, sure. But recently he’s been drinking more coffee in the span of a few hours that I’ve seen him drink in a couple of days normally. He’s totally out of it, he isn’t as quick on his feet as he usually is, and I’m 98% sure I saw some pretty dark bags under his eyes when he took off his sunglasses. He’s sleep deprived, and he’s trying to make up for it with coffee.” 

Logan nodded. “Remy is a very vocal person, he’s not afraid to speak his mind on almost any subject. I would assume he’d say something if he had a problem, especially if the problem was important like a lack of sleep.” Logan continued to read his book, leaving Janus severely dissatisfied. 

“I’m going to hide the coffee,” Janus said, getting out of his seat and headed to the kitchen. 

“Why would you hide the coffee? People drink that you know,” Logan said, sighing and setting down his book.

“I believe that Remy is using it to stay awake. If he freaks out because the coffee is gone, that might tell us something.” 

“Or he could just be freaking out because the coffee, his favorite drink, is gone simply because you don’t want to ask him directly if he’s been sleeping okay. Just talk to him, don’t make him suffer.” 

“Fine, but if I talk to him and he doesn’t give me a clear answer, I’m hiding the coffee.” 

Virgil walked into the kitchen at that exact moment, turning to Janus. “I have no clue what you’re talking about, but if you’re hiding the coffee, I’ll use your own technique and shove you down a flight of stairs.” 

~

Remy finished his coffee way to quickly, so he decided to head back home to get more coffee. He jogged back to the house and opened the front door, headed straight to the kitchen. 

But the kitchen entry was blocked by Janus. “Hello Remy darling. I think we need to talk.” 

Remy rolled his eyes under his sunglasses. “Can we talk after I get my coffee? I’m all out.” He shook his travel mug to prove that it was empty of coffee.

“I think it’s best that you get coffee after we talk,” Janus said, pulling Remy into the living room and forcing him to sit on the couch. 

“What is going on?” Remy said. “I feel like I’m about to get interrogated.”  

“I’m not going to beat around the bush, I’ve been told that the best way to get an answer out of you is to just say what I’m thinking. Have you been losing sleep for any reason? How is your sleep pattern?” Janus stared at Remy, waiting for a response. Remy squirmed in his seat, visibly uncomfortable. 

“If I answer honestly, can I get more coffee?” He asked. 

“Depends. Now answer the question.” 

“I’ve been sleeping just fine. I don’t know why you’re so worried.” 

Janus sighed. “You do realize that you’re talking to the best liar in this house. I’m literally the Lord of Lies. I can tell when you’re lying, so please, let’s just be honest with each other.”

Remy stared at the coffee mug in his hands. 

“Take off your glasses,” Janus said suddenly.

“What?” 

“Take off your glasses or I will take them off for you.” Janus reached over but Remy blocked his hand and took them off. He had planned on putting some makeup under his eyes to cover his bags, but had never gotten around to doing it, so Janus could now see the full dark circles right under Remy’s eyes.

“Why haven’t you been sleeping Remy. You’ve practically shouted from the rooftops that you love to sleep, so why are you suddenly not sleeping? Why all the coffee, why the endless cycle of activities to keep you awake? You’re either going to die of exhaustion or too much caffeine at this point, neither sound very pleasant.” 

Remy sighed, realizing that he couldn’t stop hiding his problems from his friends. “I’ve been having this reoccurring dream, a nightmare actually. Something from my childhood that I must have repressed and then dragged back up to the conscious part of my mind. But either it’s made me not want to sleep, so I’ve been fighting it with everything I can think of. Coffee, energy drinks, things to keep my mind active. Anything I can think of. As long as I’m not sleeping, I can’t have the nightmare.” 

Janus thought for a moment. “Maybe if I helped, I could use some techniques I learned with Virgil to help you go to sleep with your mind in a much calmer state, which would make it less likely for you to have this nightmare. Please, let me try to help. It’s better than dying.” 

“Fine, you can try some of your things.” 

Janus stood up, offering Remy his gloved hand. Remy raised an eyebrow.

“Right now?” 

“Yes right now, you need sleep. I don’t know how many days you’ve gone without it, but I can tell you that it’s definitely too many.” Remy took Janus’ hand and the two of them walked up the stairs and into Remy’s room. 

“In bed, I’ll get the stuff.” 

“What stuff?” Remy asked.

“A white noise machine, and some calming tea, which does not have caffeine. I also found that Virgil slept better when there was someone else in bed with him, but we can skip that one if you want.” 

Remy thought for a moment. “We can try it, but I reserve the right to kick you out of bed at any point in the night.” 

“Sounds good darling,” Janus said, leaving the room to go the the white noise machine and tea. He brought them back, handing Remy the tea and ordering him to drink the entire mug while he set up the white noise machine.

Once everything was set up and Janus had checked to see if Remy had finished the tea, Janus crawled into the bed next to Remy. 

“It will probably work better if I was basically cuddling you, but if you don’t want that, then we do it your way,” Janus said. Remy nodded, scooting closer to Janus and letting Janus wrap his arms around the other person, holding him. 

Remy wanted to complain about something, anything. But he felt so at peace and calm, that his brain started to shut down and he began to drift to sleep. In almost no time, he was was in a deep sleep. 

That night he slept perfectly, without a single nightmare. He started using the white noise machine every night and the calming tea regularly. If he had problems sleeping, he’d ask Janus to come and help him fall asleep, and every time Janus was more than happy to help. 

“I just want you to take care of yourself,” Janus would say every time he would crawl in bed next to a sleepy Remy. Remy would mumble something that Janus usually couldn’t make out, because Remy was already mostly asleep in Janus’ arms. 

Janus allowed Remy to continue drinking coffee, as long as it was in moderation. Remy would complain a bit whenever Janus asked him how many cups he had drinken that morning, but he tried to be more mindful of his caffeine intake.

Soon, Remy didn’t worry about nightmares or lack of sleep. His sleeping pattern had returned to normal, all thanks to Janus. 

---------

I hope you enjoyed this fic, it was so much fun to write!

If anyone wants to send me a writing prompt, I’m always grateful to receive more! Please read my rules (found here) and then leave the prompt in my inbox! If you stay off anon, I will be sure to contact you with details and things. Though if you leave it as an anon, that’s fine too!

[stubbornness-and-spite]

Remind Me Why I Fell In Love With Happy Endings

It’s Because They Have Happy People

~

Fandom: Sanders Sides

Summary: It hurt. A lot. They felt drained dry and defeated, but there hadn’t been any villain or monster to fight. They were supposed to be a team. They could fight monsters, not deal with this. Emotional vulnerability sucked.

Takes place directly after Learning New Things About Ourselves

Pairing(s): platonic LAMP, romantic if you want to read it that way but I wrote it platonic

Characters: Logan, Patton, Virgil, Roman, Thomas is mentioned

Genre: hurt/comfort, angst with a hopeful/happy ending, angst and fluff

Warnings: cursing

Word count: 2420

Notes: kind of an AU? Just timeline-wise. I’m playing fast and loose with the timeline, which is only going to be important and/or relevant if I actually finish the follow-up fic I have planned for this. Since in this story/universe, the sides are real and Sanders Sides videos are not really scripted, there’s much less time between videos(because editing, writing, and directing are figuratively thrown out the window).

“Well, that went well,” Virgil snarked as they sank back down into the common area.

“Our goal was accomplished,” Logan said sharply, avoiding eye contact. “Thomas is feeling better about his chosen lifestyle.”

“His lifestyle you hate, you mean?” Roman grumbled. “Just looking for some extra clarification. Wouldn’t want anyone to be confused.”

“Now, kiddos,” Patton chided, his smile not reaching his eyes. “I think we all came out of that one a little bruised.”

“Metaphorically,” Virgil cut in before Logan could protest. “Emotionally bruised.” Logan nodded with a pinched effort at a smile.

“Is everyone doing okay?” Patton asked softly.

Logan scoffed. “Of course, Patton. No new information was relayed to me and therefore my emotional state, which is negligible, was not significantly impacted.”

“Logan…” Roman grimaced. “I really am sorry. I didn’t mean it. I should have said something more when we were up there, but I-”

“You were more concerned for Thomas’s mental state and more concerned by his opinion than you were for or by either of mine,” Logan cut him off. “Perfectly understandable.”

Roman shook his head. “I should have been concerned for both of you. I shouldn’t have put you in a position where hearing an apology from me for something I specifically said to hurt you was a great kindness. I called you a lot more than ‘stupid’ that I should have apologized for.” He lifted his chin and stood even taller. “And I am now,” he declared. “Logan, I am truly and honestly sorry for the hurtful things I said to you and about you and I hope you can find it in yourself to forgive me for speaking to you in such a way and treating you as if you were worth less than you are.”

Logan sighed, some of the tension falling from his face. “Thank you, Roman. I forgive you.” Roman smiled weakly and Logan nodded in return. “Also, to be clear,” he said, adjusting his glasses and smirking. “I’m not remotely offended that you called me a bitch.”

“Roman!” Patton cried, affronted. “When was this?”

Roman blushed. “I got carried away.”

Logan huffed, his smirk softening into a smile. “I like to see you so passionate. I like to inspire it, even if it comes in the form of calling me Sanders Claus on Bitchmas and suggesting we build a snowbitch and kiss under the bitchletoe.”

“Roman!”

“Patton,” Logan said, turning to him. “I was much more insulted by being called stupid. Both of which Roman has apologized for. There is no need to berate him further. I believe I have done enough of that for quite a while.”

“But Logan!”

“Hey, Pop-star,” Virgil chimed in, drawing the focus onto him. He shrunk back slightly but kept talking. “If L says he isn’t upset, then getting upset on his behalf is only making everyone feel bad. It’s okay to let it go sometimes.”

Patton sighed. “I guess you’re right, kidd-- Virgil. Sorry.”

Virgil flinched a second after Patton did, at the sound of his name. “Pat, I-” he sighed. “Nevermind.”

Logan reached over, but stopped, his arm hovering near Virgil’s shoulder. “May I touch you?” At Virgil’s nod, he slid his arm across Virgil’s back and squeezed his shoulder. “Have we not made clear that being open with each other is the only way that things can be solved?”

“Guys, I was a real jerk today and I’m sorry,” Virgil said in a quick breath. He tilted his head to rest on Logan. “Logan, I shouldn’t have jumped to the conclusion that everything was your fault. I shouldn’t have blamed you for something that we all knew we were all contributing to.” He looked at Roman. “I shouldn’t have blamed you either. I know how hard you work. I know how much it kills you when we criticize what you do and I know we have to sometimes because that’s our job, but we’ve been taking it too far lately. I’ve been taking it too far lately and especially today.” Virgil looked over at Patton who had tears in his eyes and quickly looked away. He stared at Logan’s shoes for a moment before forcing himself to look back at Patton. “Patton, I love you,” Patton whined as his damp eyes filled a little more. “I love that you call me kiddo. I wouldn’t give you dad-themed nicknames if I didn’t. I like being a dynamic duo with you. I feel like you get me sometimes in a way that someone whose function isn’t emotion isn’t able to.” Logan stiffened, but didn’t move his arm. Virgil kept talking. “What makes me uncomfortable isn’t all that. I like being your ‘dark strange son’.” A small grin crept onto his face and he rolled his eyes fondly. Virgil paused, catching himself and hesitated before taking a breath and blurting out, “I don’t like being called an angel. I don’t like you telling Thomas that I don’t mean the things I say just because they’re negative or because I disagreed with you. It makes me feel like you don’t think I can do my job. It makes me feel like you think I’m less capable than you are.” Virgil winced and looked tentatively at Patton, already waiting for scorn.

“Oh, Virg-- kiddo,” Patton sighed. “I didn’t mean to make you feel like that.”

Virgil shrugged, his expression relaxing as he leaned into Logan and pretended he’d never had any doubts. “I know. That’s why I said something. If I thought you were doing it to upset me, I wouldn’t have asked you to stop. I know you didn’t mean anything by it, which is why I felt safe telling you that it upset me.”

“Can I hug you too, kiddo?” Patton asked, fidgeting with his hoodie sleeves.

Logan spoke up before Virgil could respond. “Oh, Virgil and I are not hugging. I am merely ensuring that he feels safe enough to express the feelings that we have previously established are important to share.”

Virgil rolled his eyes. “By hugging me. Face it, L, we’re basically cuddling.” Virgil smirked as Logan blushed, but was pleased that Logan’s arm around his shoulders didn’t move at all. “Come hug us, Patt-- Dad. Come hug us, Dad.”

Patton barrelled into them, tackling them into the couch, his arms outstretched to wrap around them. Virgil laughed as he went down, pulling himself into Logan’s side as he curled up on the couch. Logan readjusted until he was seated normally on the couch with one arm draped over Virgil, who had pulled his knees up and was leaning onto him. Patton picked himself up and sat on the other side of Virgil, placing his arm next to Logan’s and gently grabbing Logan’s shoulder. Logan looked over to see Patton smiling at him as he squeezed his shoulder. Logan let out a breath and dropped his head to rest on Patton’s hand.

“Well, this is just absolutely adorable,” Roman stood awkwardly above them, looking down with a bright smile that didn’t reach his eyes. “But I should be going.”

“Come cuddle with us, Princey,” Virgil muttered. “You deserve cuddles, especially after today.”

Roman’s face lightened a bit as he breathed out a soft laugh. “You look very comfortable. I’ll just be off.”

Patton looked up at Roman. “I have another arm, kiddo. There’s a spot right here if you want it.”

Roman took in a sharp breath and let it out shakily, looking at Patton as if he’d just told Roman that he was going to get everything he’d ever wanted right then and there, a mix of disbelief and desperate longing on his face. “Thanks, padre, but I’m good,” he finally managed, a blank smile slapped back on his face.

“Roman, why do you feel the need to lie to us when we are openly offering you affection?” Logan asked, not bothering to look at Roman.

Roman scowled, but quickly regained control of his face and smiled again. “Because I don’t need it. I’m doing just fine. This last video just illustrated to me how much work I have unfinished and I need to stop letting my ego get in the way of productivity.”

“You’re lying,” Virgil mumbled, not looking at Roman. “You sound like Logan when you lie and not in a good way.”

“Do you just know all of our tells?” Roman snapped. “Are you studying us, Virgil? Does it make you feel special to have us all figured out, Emo Nightmare?”

“Now, Roman, kiddo…”

“That’s enough, Roman.”

Ignoring Patton and Logan’s jump to his defense, Virgil started to hum a tune that was still fresh in all of their minds. “Sometimes the problems at play are not all plain to see, so we lash out at our loved ones, disregarding our bond sanctity,” he sang awkwardly.

Roman sighed and flopped down on the couch. “Don’t quote me to me, Panic! at the Everywhere.”

Virgil snorted. “You’re pretty quotable, Princey.”

Roman laughed. “Whatever you say, Hot Topic.”

“You reused that one on purpose,” Virgil taunted. “You think I’m hot.”

Roman huffed a laugh and snuggled into Patton’s side. Patton hummed softly in delight and pulled Roman closer. “I already told you you’re adorable, do you really need me to admit you’re hot too?”

“Children,” Logan groaned.

“Aww, Logan!” Patton chirped. “Have you finally admitted that we are the fathers to two wonderful sons?”

Logan frowned. “No. I was telling Virgil and Roman that they were arguing like children.” Virgil and Roman laughed and squirmed closer into their hugs. Quietly, into Virgil’s hair, almost so soft that no one heard him, Logan mumbled, “And I thought I was one of your kiddos too.” But they did hear him and Patton squealed. Roman and Virgil flinched at the sudden noise and Patton stopped with a sharp intake of breath. He looked back and forth between the two of them, both of whom had relaxed once they realized it was Patton that was squealing, and squealed again, much softer.

“Of course you’re one of my kiddos, Logan!” Patton cried, reaching over to try and hug Logan too. Virgil grunted softly as he was crushed between them. Logan reached over with his free hand and placed it over Patton’s on his shoulder and Patton stilled, settling back between Roman and Virgil. “Of course you’re one of my kiddos,” he repeated softer. “You’re all my kiddos. I love you all so much.”

“Love you too, Pat,” Virgil mumbled.

“The feeling is mutual, Patton.”

“I love you as well, padre.”

“Love all of you!” Patton cried, getting a little weepy. “Now say you love each other!”

Logan blinked. “Was that not abundantly clear? I thought it was rather obvious that I care for you all. I concluded Patton was the only one to require regular reminding. Was my reasoning not sound?” Logan’s panic increased as he went on, his breathing quickening and his volume rising. Virgil tensed under Logan and Patton’s arms. Roman went very still.

“I didn’t want to put you out, L,” Virgil admitted. “I don’t want you to say it just because you think I need to hear it. I’m fine, really.”

Roman nodded. “I feel the same. It is a wholly unnecessary venture. I am not so shallow as to need constant praise and validation.” He turned to Patton. “No offense, Patton.”

Patton smiled. “None taken, kiddo! Remember what Thomas said? ‘Honestly, it didn’t hurt me. It’s clear you’re the one that’s hurting.’ Didn’t you listen to what we said?”

Roman scoffed. “It’s all well and good to say things for a camera. I’m quite familiar with the process myself. I was flattered, of course, that you came up with so much so quickly.”

“Aww, kiddo, we meant it!”

Virgil suddenly sat up ram-rod straight and whipped around to face Roman. “I shouldn’t have said almost,” he blurted out. Everyone turned to look at him, but he barrelled on. “I thought you knew what parts were serious, but Roman, we love you.” he paused and shook his head. “I love you. Nothing you could do would make me or any of us stop.” He scowled. “Dammit, even Deceit and Remus love you and they’re bastards who can stuff it. You’re awesome, Roman. In every case, we’d embrace you. Nothing is ever going to make us stop loving you, let alone hate you, okay?”

“Yeah, Virgil,” Roman choked out, trying valiantly to keep from crying at Virgil’s speech. “I know.”

Virgil went red, suddenly realizing how much he’d said. He settled back down between Patton and Logan. “Yeah, well, good. Don’t be stupid and think we don’t love you again, Princey.”

“I love you all too,” Roman mumbled with his face buried in Patton’s cardigan.

“I love you both as well,” Logan murmured. “I shall endeavor to remind you all more often. I have often spoken against the logic of assuming other’s thoughts and jumping to conclusions. It would be hypocritical of me to continue to do so after it has been brought to my attention that, in this case, actions do not figuratively speak louder than words.”

Virgil snorted. “Love you too, Logan. Now shut up and let me sleep. I’m exhausted and emotionally drained.”

Logan nodded, leaning onto Virgil and resting his head atop his curled up body. Patton lifted his arm to let Logan relax and lay down half on top of Virgil who had tilted to lean on Patton. He set his hand down on Logan’s head, gently running his fingers through the other side’s hair. Roman leaned all the way over, resting his head in Patton’s lap. Virgil and Patton shared a small smile as they both moved a hand to play with Roman’s hair. Roman let out a pleased hum and the quiet attention, leaning into both of their touches. Patton took a final look at his friends, his charges, his family, all curled up and leaning on him, letting him love and support them the way he tried so hard to do, and let out a breath he didn’t know he had been holding. He leaned his head back and felt a pillow materialize behind him. He glanced down to see Roman’s smile grow slightly. Patton lifted his hand up to his mouth and pressed a soft kiss onto his fingers before pressing it onto Roman’s head. He leaned back on the pillow and closed his eyes, the comforting weight of the other three on him quickly lulling him to sleep.

[kootenaygoon]

So,

The sky glowed light purple as Chelsea wandered down the train tracks to Red Sands. Our friendship had fizzled a bit over Christmas, while she engaged with a short-term boyfriend, but as summer approached we’d been hanging out again. She lived in a party house up in Rosemont that was covered in psychedelic paintings, and through her I’d been introduced to a local tattoo artist named Joe Nillo who specialized in avian artwork. He was in the midst of creating a trippy metaphysical version of Mother Nature, using one of her roommates as a model, and I’d written a glowing feature about him for the Star.

"There’s two quotes from that Joe Nillo story that I really love. There’s one where he compares watching Alex Grey work to ‘watching God with a sore back watering some flowers’,” I told Chelsea.

"Then the other was: ‘God made man in his image, but that doesn’t mean he looks like us and wears T-shirts. It means he’s a creator and he wants us to create.’”

Chelsea took a slug from the beer in her hand. “I like that. Except God is a she, for sure. The divine feminine giving birth to the universe.”

“I’ve always figured God would be a mix of both, like masculinity and femininity mashed together into a giant cosmic mix. Do you even believe in God?”

She shook her head. “Not God like most people understand it, but there’s definitely an energy that’s bigger than all of us. A power to the universe that’s beyond our comprehension.”

“I like that quote ‘a God comprehended is not God’.”

She turned to me, intrigued. “I’ve never heard that.”

“I picked it up in this comparative religions class in college. It’s this German hymn writer named Tersteegen. I get a kick out of that idea, that we can’t even try to wrap our heads around God, like we shouldn’t even try.”

“But we do anyways.”

“Exactly.”

As we rounded the bend towards Red Sands Chelsea was balancing on the track with her arms out, clearly tipsy. We’d been drinking for a few hours and had smoked three or four joints during that time. She always had killer weed. At least one of her roommates was a pot dealer, if not all of them, and they sustained a party lifestyle I was already too old for. At one point she lived with Blayne, who was now permanently settled out in Victoria, but now the house was occupied by her, her adorable friend Aussie Chris, and Joe’s ex Kylie.

“For me, it’s not even a choice,” she said. “I just have to create. My work just sort of flows out of me without my permission. I don’t even like thinking about a life without that creative outlet, without my writing, because it would just be empty.”

I nodded. “Plus you have that performance element. Most of my work is designed to be read in silence, but your poetry begs to be sung.”

She laughed. “I’m not singing for you tonight. Not while I’m drunk. I’d be too embarrassed.”

When we reached the opening in the forest that led to the beach, I walked in front of Chelsea so she wouldn’t slip out of her sandals as we worked our way down the slope. The horizon had darkened to a royal purple that made the ground lilac.

“So how does your friend feel about Joe spending all this time painting her? They broke up, right? Isn’t it kind of awkward he’s obsessing over an art version of her?”

“Kylie was kind of weirded out at first, but she gets it. His art is his whole life. And I think secretly she’s flattered. Even through all their fighting, he’s still spending all this time trying to get her exactly right. And I bet when he’s finished he’ll give it to her.”

“I saw the painting in his studio, with the universe growing out of her palm. Trippy shit.”

“Yeah, it’s dope. He’s been slaving over it for like a year now, adding details and layers and new elements. He works on it live at music festivals, feeding off the energy of the crowd.”

“That’s so cool. He told me he’s going to be at Kamp and Shambhala this year, and I’m going to both. I told Ed that this is the year I want to go to all the major festivals, become the resident expert.”

Chelsea took another long haul of her beer as we settled on a spot, right in the middle of the beach, to lay down a towel. This was becoming an increasingly romantic encounter and I was feeding off her flirtatious energy, even though I knew she was on the verge of road-tripping down to California for the summer. We’d established the platonic nature of our relationship many times, but tonight felt like a good opportunity to nuke that plan. I maneuvered my body under hers and she settled on my chest with her eyes heavenward.

“I heard you took naked pictures of Blayne here,” she said, after a long comfortable silence. “She showed them to my roommates.”

I took a sip of beer, not sure how to play this. “She asked me to do a photo shoot with her last year and there were just a few, yeah, that were nudes. She wanted to show off her new tattoo. I knew her from burlesque world.”

“And you guys weren’t even hooking up?”

“It wasn’t about that. It was the images I was most interested in. I feel like it’s more intimate than sex, letting someone see you like that. I actually wrote a non-fiction piece about it while I was at UBC years ago called ‘What I look like naked’.”

She rolled over, pressing her body tight to mine. She was close enough that I could smell the alcohol on her breath. “Have you done that a lot? Taken erotica shots for women?”

I shook my head. “I don’t think of them as erotica. I mean, I’ve sexted before and I’ve taken photos that are pornographic, but shoots like that are about worship. I want the women to feel worshipped. I want the images to reflect that. Reflect my obsession with the female form.”

She blinked for a long moment, her eyes in shadow.

“I hooked up with this girl in Thailand right around the end of my trip overseas a few years ago. She was a geneticist from Berkeley and she showed me these nude photos her boyfriend had taken of her in Yosemite Park,” I said.

“She took them in the exact place her mother had taken nude photos thirty years earlier. Her mother had told her that when she grew older she would want these mementos of how she looked in her prime, with the flush of youth and love. They weren’t crass or sexualized at all. They just showed this empowered girl mid-hike in love with her body and in love with life.”

“Cool.”

“I figure if that’s a gift I can give someone, then that’s pretty fucking meaningful. And honestly, those pictures of Blayne are some of the most beautiful images I’ve ever captured in my whole life.”

“I didn’t actually see them, but Kylie described them to me. She said there was one where you had her hold a little leaf to cover herself, Eve-style?”

I laughed. “Yeah, and I used the smallest leaf I could find. The whole shoot had a Garden of Eden vibe, an innocence to it. It was like going backwards in time back to Genesis, before the shame God rained down on us, and finding something pure.”

For a while we were quiet, as the wind picked up and pulled at our clothing. Chelsea kept her face against my chest, one hand stroking my ribs, as we segued back to the topic of God. I told her about my Christian upbringing, about Camp Qwanoes and how I lost my faith. I told her about how I’ve never really gotten over it.

“You’re going to find a way to believe again. I’m sure you will. I don’t know what you’re going to believe in, but you’ll find something.”

I sighed. “I hope you’re right.”

Then she was kissing me. We rolled together until I was looming over her on the blanket. She watched as I undid her jean shorts and shimmied them down her legs. Our mouths surged back and forth while my left hand stroked her legs, massaging them. I hooked her underwear with a thumb and pulled. When she began to moan moments later it sounded exactly like her singing voice, a rhythmic ululation.

“Hold on,” she said. “Hold on, hold on.”

I stopped, pulling my head back.

“I’m really into this and everything, but I can’t go there tonight. I’m sorry. My heart’s too raw, I don’t want to leave for California with any attachments, I just need to stop here, okay? Is it okay if we stop?”

I nodded. “Of course. That makes perfect sense. We’re okay.”

For the next few moments we fumbled our way through getting her clothes back on, my erection screaming disappointed. I stroked Chelsea’s hair and held her face with both hands. Sometimes I forgot she was a decade younger than me, but it was very apparent in these moments. She was a girl, open-minded but still inexperienced. I’d been consumed in the grey chaos of the Kootenays’ sexual landscape, but ordinary monogamy was the only mode she understood. It was either fall in love or don’t engage at all, which was how I used to be when I was her age. Her purity was heart-breaking.

“You’re such an awesome guy, really,” she said, apologetic. “It’s not about you.”

“Don’t say anything else about it. I understand. No worries.”

Chelsea stood up, cracked a new beer, and gazed up at the black silhouette of Elephant Mountain. She was visibly trembling. I wondered if I’d done something wrong here, if I’d fucked up our friendship irrevocably. Was everything going to be different now? It had felt right, connecting with her, but maybe I needed to fundamentally course correct how I approached relationships. I finished my beer, threw it down, then walked over to embrace her from behind. She sighed into my hug, pressing her face against mine. Then she turned to face me.

“One day I want you to take my picture.”

The Kootenay Goon

[five-wow]

to avoid extreme spam of anyone brave enough to follow me, i’m putting all of my 9.12 thoughts in one post. tl;dr: i loved it.

the (much, much) longer version:

the “previously on” starts with scenes from episode three or four of season one oh gosh

THIS IS A GRACE HIGHLIGHTS REEL. I’M ALREADY EMOTIONAL

first question of the night: rachel wakes up and finds that grace didn’t come home so she jumps in the car and races to danny’s, but where did she leave charlie in the middle of the night??? i’m assuming he was with her

i’ve already seen this very first bit in one of the previews but still: grace was driving a car that stan bought her two weeks ago and that DIDN’T HAVE PLATES YET and nobody told danny. there are so many things wrong with that

these actors are both so good in their despair though. the opening credits are just now starting and my heart has already been squeezed to a pulp???

steve!!! the very first thing we see after the credits is steve, sick with worry, half running into the hospital and speeding up when he sees danny to wrap him in a hug. he does this little hop thing?? that kills me??

so steve squeezes danny (and it kind of looks a little like danny was going for a handshake bro hug thing but steve just bulldozered over him and gave him the real hug they should be having? good steve) and then he rushes to rachel to hug her too, like a matter of course. i like that

oh noooo. the other girl’s dad turns up and blames he crash on grace (understandable under the circumstances but not helpful in the least) and as soon as steve realizes what’s happening he steps over to situate himself in between this guy and danny??? i love steve so much gosh

duke turns up with critical info and he tells steve about it??? not danny or rachel, and admittedly he maybe has a stronger bond with steve i guess but at least danny he definitely knows pretty well too (they’re ohana too, right?) but he tells steve about what’s technically danny’s daughter and there’s so many things to be read into that (the main thing obviously being that steve is as good as grace’s parent too and it’s canon fdjkfdjk)

i’m five minutes in at this point and i already have this much commentary. this is going to be long

i think i’ve said this before but: it’s not necessarily bad that stan bought grace a car. it’s not bad either that rachel didn’t tell danny, but if what rachel says and it’s because grace wanted to tell danny herself, then rachel should have put her foot down and not let grace go out with the car (that didn’t have plates yet??? that can’t be legal right?) until grace had actually told danny about it!!! rachel just doesn’t learn from her past mistakes about not telling danny shit about their kids that danny DEFINITELY should have been told and it’s a believable character flaw but it’s so painful

“there’s all kinds of things that happen that you should’ve told me about that you don’t tell me about, i’m used to it, alright? i’m used to it.” danny fucking knows and this is honestly the number one reason why romantic danny/rachel can’t ever work again as far as i’m concerned because it would be built on so much resentment and pain and pure shit that it’s just too much to put behind you, because they won’t ever be able to fully, completely trust each other again (and not all of it would be rachel’s fault, btw, i’m not saying that - it’s just that when she fucks up, she fucks up big time)

“i’m a cop now. i’ll keep it professional.” [cut to tani pushing her suspect out of his chair and onto the floor] well, you know, she’s got a point there. that’s exactly what professional looks like to five-0 (i like this secondary plotline a lot though! tani as protective and slightly violent older sister is super interesting)

danny is calling steve to update him even though there’s barely any knews because steve deserves to know everything (and probably because danny’s wants to hear his voice, lbr) and it’s good

this phone call between tani and junior is also super sweet!! (though it does kind of add obvious fuel to the fire of parallels they’re drawing between tani&junior and danny&steve, whether that’s something you like or not)

the whole team is so concerned about danny and of course they are but it’s still really good to see!!

of course grace can’t just get in a car accident, it has to be some kind of a crime. (i don’t even really mind but it’s just so predictable, gosh. they need someone to blame)

kamekona and flippa are bringing food to the hospital!!! that’s so thoughtful!

charlie! he exists in this episode! i’m still slightly fuzzy on where he was all night (because noelani comes in with him but the way she then asks charlie if he wants to hang out doesn’t seem like he’s been with her this whole time, so where the hell was he?) but it’s good to see him now, at least

also!!! noelani babysitting charlie!!! EVERYONE IS HELPING OUT. OHANA. <3

danny had noelani bring some stuff for rachel which is good and kind but the sweatshirt thing makes me... a little concerned... about romantic connotations. but i’m stubbornly deciding to read this as a purely platonic gesture to help out a sort-of-friend/co-parent

OOPS steve calls because they located a phone that grace received a threatening text message from at the hospital, but is leading danny to this person really a good idea right now? oh gosh

oh god grace was helping a classmate that got bullied and she dropped a girl’s phone in someone’s beer to stop her from showing around a picture and i love grace

the thing is, right. the thing is. I KNOW that grace is going to be okay because she’ll be in the next episode, eating pancakes at danny’s and laughing with steve, but i’m STILL almost crying watching danny and rachel wait with all this sickening tension without knowing anything and then watching them rush to get some news only to hear there’s been a complication and all they can do, AGAIN, is wait more

it’s GOOD but it’s SO PAINFUL

steve, junior and lou watch a security tape of zippy’s where some creepy guy keeps coming up to grace and katie’s table and then grace gets up and clearly tells the guy to go away and a) that’s really good on its own but also b) steve’s proud “atta girl”!!! yes!!!

danny apologizes for being mean about the car, holy shit. and yes, he was a little mean, maybe, but he was also incredibly stressed and he had a right to be angry, god.

“i should have been more honest with you. about a lot of things.” at least rachel had realized that much, omg.

rachel is playing the “what if” game and danny tells her that she shouldn’t and it’s actually a really nice moment. i like this.

THAT VIDEO. and both rachel and danny just crying and crying and the mutual forehead kisses and comfort??? i think i’ve made it pretty clear that i don’t ever want romantic danny/rachel again but this? i LOVE this. they can’t be a couple but they can still be a team and family in this weird way through their kids.

danny is just sitting on the floor in a hallway now and steve finds him and sits down next to him before they even say a single word and i’m already swamped with feelings just from that. i’m easy like that djfdkjf

steve says that grace is really taking after danny by going after bullies and standing up for the little guy and danny says “i think maybe she gets that from you more than me” anD I AM DECEASED. RIP ME. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO HANDLE THESE FAMILY FEELS??

i’m not going to quote their entire conversation about steve being in more of grace’s pictures than danny and steve saying they should throw grace a big graduation party in steve’s backyard and danny actually smiling about something but i COULD because this is EVERYTHING I EVER WANT.

rachel finds them with the news that grace is OKAY and FUCK YES but also???? danny and steve’s expressions of relief???? are the exact same??????? and then there’s THAT ONE HUG that involves danny and rachel and steve, all three of them, and at this point literally nobody can convince me that steve isn’t as much a parent to grace as either of these other two

ALSO. LET ME JUST TALK ABOUT THAT HUG FOR A BIT. danny and rachel fall into each other’s arms because duh, at this point, of course you’d hug, and danny kind of swings them around a bit and then REACHES FOR STEVE who’s standing there right next to them with his hands on his hips and just DIVES into it and rachel makes room for him too? and then they’re CLINGING TO EACH OTHER and steve has closed his eyes and wrapped himself around them and he has his chin on danny’s shoulder and danny is smushed between them and have i given of the vibe that I LOVE THIS yet because I DO

grace! we get to see grace in color for the first time this episode!

there’s a party for grace at danny’s home!!! and danny says he didn’t know about it and i’m leaning towards believing him because i can easily be 100% convinced that this was steve’s doing oh gosh

GRACE AND STEVE HUG. literally just the hug content in this episode is lethal to me oh shit

“we’re still here, okay. anytime you need us, we got you.” PRIME DAD!STEVE. FUCK YES.

djfdjkfd @ steve somewhere in the background when kamekona mentions the restaurant going “i still prefer the name steve’s”

koah’s thing about appreciating tani and appreciating being brought into this big weird family????? almost made me cry again

OH NO. yep i was bracing for this already because i’d seen enough people talking about this, but i’m at the end, with danny and rachel outside at a small table and danny brings her some food they ate at their first date and she points that out and he says that it’s on the menu because it was their first date meal and, uhhhh, no. nope. don’t do that, come on, guys, what the fuck

alright, so yes, there are pretty undeniable flirting vibes here, but i’m stubborn. i’m still going to deny them. i’m going to view this as a happy end where danny and rachel have been brought a little closer together as divorced parents of two kids and where they can share a moment again without it devolving into a fight and i’m choosing to let that be all it is. and steve’s look and smile at them? that would honestly be out of character if it was supposed to be “oh i’m happy that danny might be getting back together with his ex-wife” so obviously i’m going to interpret that as “oh i’m happy that danny and rachel seem to be getting along platonically because that’ll make danny and grace and charlie’s life easier”

okay, now that i’ve seen all of it, two things:

what happened to katie??? she was just as bad off as grace from what we heard but we never got to hear if she was alright??? and the thing with her dad was never resolved either???

MELISSA. remember, danny’s girlfriend??? i’m about 99.9% sure we never heard that she and danny broke up, unless i missed something, and i don’t think i did. so. what the fuck are we supposed to think there? i’m not certain they’ve mentioned her once this season but at the same time danny was definitely teasing steve about his lack of dates in 9.01 and that was a prime opportunity for steve to say something, anything, to danny about danny’s dating life as a comeback, but they didn’t take that chance so at that time i assumed he was still with melissa. but? now they seem to be doing this thing with rachel? and melissa has been forgotten? i see people in the fandom say that danny is single all the time and i get it because at this point it’s an assumption that makes sense, with how little melissa has been mentioned for seasons now, but we’ve never gotten confirmation of that and it bugs the hell out of me because she’s a character that supposedly played a big role in his life at one point and she was in multiple episodes and now they don’t even have the time for like, one line of dialogue that somehow tells us what’s what? the complete irony here is that i never really liked danny and melissa’s relationship (she is so young for him, and that’s just the start of it) and now i sound like i’m defending it when really i just don’t want this poor woman to be treated so ridiculously. i swear i’m going to file a missing persons report omfg where is melissa #melissadeservedbetter

aside from my bitterness about melissa though - i LOVED this episode. it was tense and painful and i’m as concerned about the danny/rachel hints as the next guy, but it’s not that explicit here and i do like seeing them together as friends so i’m good with it for the most part for now? and there was SUCH good dad!steve content and some amazing steve/danny and the steve-danny-rachel hug killed me as much as i’d hoped and there was a steve and danny hug and a steve and grace hug and the sideplot was great too and i loved seeing tani and koah together more, and i just??? really loved almost every second of it a lot

[bestiard]

Shipping  meme!

What  is  your  OTP  for  your  character? Being really honest it’s Lucia and Alex ( @vamytas  ) but going a little bit to the platonic side of the force my big ship is also Lucia and Male!Ivy ( @pxrokinesis ). 

What  are  you  willing  to  write  when  it  comes  to  shipping? Honestly I’m up for almost everything really ( except, of course, non-con and dub con stuff bcoz it’s a hella big NO for me ); from super duper sweet fluff to heart-wrenching angst, deep action and dumb casual stuff too. I’m really up to work with anything, I’m just not that good and secure about smut tho.

How  large  does  the  age  gap  have  to  be  to  make  it  uncomfortable? I honestly believe that, for Lucia, shipping won’t happen if the character is underaged ( especially in physical terms; for instance, in case of vampires stuck in a kid body )... We just ------ can’t.

Are  you  selective  when  shipping? Yes, I definitely am, but not as much as I may appear to; If there’s chemistry or at least a good motivation, context and scenario for it, I really can find a way to build up a good and coherent ship.

How  far  do  steamy  moments  have  to  go  before  they’re  considered  NSFW? As I am really not that good with smut, and am not really that enthusiastic about it either, I believe when the touching of intimate places begins it’s far enough to put on NSFW tag.

Who  are  the  other  characters  you  ship  your  character  with? Literally, there’s no one else I’m shipping Lucia romantically at the moment. I mean, there’s one muse I believe she likes but she knows it’s a lost cause ( cof cof @inkxpapers cof cof ); There’s also Newt ( @ledesespoirderriereunsourire ) but I’m more inclined to believe it’s a protective thing rather than sexual desire. She usually prefers to be the Mom Friend ™ instead of a romantic interest.

Does  one  have  to  ask  to  ship  with  you? Not necessarily; It would definitely be good though, so I am going to be sure about other peeps’ interest. 

How  often  do  you  like  to  ship? To quote my dear friend Clara: “ as often as the chemistry allows it ”. Its just a matter of being respectful of people’s peace and comfort for these things; Don’t force anything, let it happen naturally ~.

Are  you  ship  obsessed  or  ship  more-or-less? I honestly think  that once the ship becomes somewhat solid in my head I’m all about it; I draw them, reblog quotes, write headcanons and all that jazz. I may also bother my partners in private with stupid ideas and stuff I’ve read and seen. I do like to spoil people after all.

Are  you  multi-ship? I’d like to see myself as a multi-shipper, but I often feel I might prioritise certain ships over others; neglect partners without meaning to and so forth. I also get a little confused with various ships in the same verse/timeline/whatever. I feel sorta uneasy if they happen like “in parallel”. I also had some issues with anons asking me if I preferred one ship or the other ( don’t do that kids ). So I tend to keep just one ship for a specific verse which is compensated with the multiple verses and timelines I have.  

What  are  your  favorite  ships  in  your  current  fandom? Uhm, technically Alex and Lucia are from the same fandom; World of Darkness. Roughly there are no canon ships in this fandom except supernaturals and perpetual suffering.

Finally,  how  does  one  ship  with  you? People can approach me in private ( as I’m not really comfortable about being “exposed” ) ask me politely and understand my reasons for accepting or declining the ship. Nothing too complicated really; We can always resolve things through dialogue. 

Tagged by: @tatteredxclaws ( THANK U BOOBOO ILU ) Tagging: @alphadelameutedelycan, @oflegendaries, @braineatnr, @sothynda, @kagxra, @starxwalker, @temettnosce and whoever feels like doing it! And tag me so I can see it!