#honestly I'm REALLY scared of it being mould because I don't think that that will mesh particularly well with my asthma

[merlinfromberlin]

Can't believe that I went from a dorm room where the kitchen was infested with moths to a dorm room that might be starting to develop mould.

[volturissideslut]

Hi! Just read your Marcus x reader fic where they get compared to Didyme.

I was thinking maybe a Poly! Volturi comparing Reader to their ex/late partners and Reader shuts down. They don't mention it, but it really hurts cause they've always been a replacement, so they leave Volterra. The Volturi don't realise for a while.

Feel free to ignore this if it's too repetitive or you've done one like it before.

𝖁𝖔𝖑𝖙𝖚𝖗𝖎 𝖐𝖎𝖓𝖌𝖘 (𝖕𝖔𝖑𝖞)

Angst, no comfort. Pure angst, literally no fluff at ALL. Bad relationship, couple of swear words in there, let me know if you want a part two of making it up <3

Part 2

It's not like you were the second choice

They had been adament that they wanted you, that you were their true mate

So why were they acting like this now?

After almost a year of being together, they were starting to fall out of the 'honeymoon phase'

Had it always just been a phase? Was this doomed from the get-go?

It started with little snippy comments about acting proper. You were human, not raised in the fine luxury and manners they were, and apparently that showed in your actions. And apparently the way you dress too.

It's like they were moulding you into their exes, it it was making you miserable

And it's not like you didn't try to tell them, you did. Only to be shut down. "Cara mia, I'm working. This is not an appropriate place to discuss this" Aro told you, despite being within the privacy of his study

Caius was no better, in no mood to 'entertain you' and your 'whims' as he put it, brushing you off with a sigh

Marcus, too, was no use, disregarding the emotion and making it perhaps worse by saying that didyme would have taken of the constructive criticism

So there you stood, looking at yourself in the mirror. The big dress, the light makeup, the haircut, even the fucking posture just want you.

And so you left.

Silently, seeing as communicating clearly wasn't an option

How long had it been when they realised you were gone? Three days at least

Honestly, Aro had assumed you were annoyed with them and wanted space, telling his brothers suck. It had never crossed his mind that you had left

I mean, the clothes you wore every day were still there, all the gowns and dresses still in place and -

Where were the clothes you brought with you?

The ones they insisted you wouldn't wear?

Caius walkers into your personal room with a huff, intending to talk some sense into this tantrum you've been throwing, and instead intruding on Aro's realisation

The grounds are searched and Marcus is informed

It is pure and utter panic

Chaos as they look for you

Demetri was called back from his mission early to search for you and you were in another country

Marcus was practically having heart palpitations, he can't lose another mate. "Why would she do this, Didyme would never scare me like this"

And he pauses

So does Aro

And so does Caius

And for the first time, they truly hear themselves

Caius is the first one to remember you bringing it up. "Did she talk to you about it too..." the proud kings' voice is for once delicate and quiet

"... I made her leave" Aro practically folds in half, having to grip over where his hear would be in his chest and lean over because of the burning sensation. It aches, it physically aches him to know he messed up this badly - he didn't give you the time of day

"... I told her I don't have time for this" Caius' fist is buried in his hair, gripping in stress and nearly ripping the strands out of his head. His hands are jittery, shaking, and his hair is tussled - a perfect relection of his inner turmoil

"... In the very moment she asked me not to compare her to Didyme anymore, I told her Didyme would take the criticism" is it possible for vampires to be sick? Because I think Marcus is about to be. His eyes sting and he makes a gagged choking noise like he's dry heaving. Like his fight or flight has chosen freeze and the rising anxiety makes his stomach churn

A knock on the door is what pulls them away

Instead of coming to the turbulent kings and taking them with him, it seems Demetri picked you up on his way back instead and brought you right to them.

There are bags under your eyes, and your skin is sickly. Your cheeks are stained with dried up tears and your eyes are bloodshot like you cried so hard you broke a vessel

They rush toward you and Demetri takes that as his cue to leave

Marcus ever so gently holds your face, eyes scanning you for any physical harm, and when he finds none he feels so much temporary relief he almost collapses into himself. "Thank goodness you're okay, I couldn't bare to lose you-"

"what, like you did Didyme?" you spit back with more venom in your voice than their combined fangs have ever produced in their millennias of life

"No, no" Caius' voice has never been so gentle, he takes your hand in his and places a kiss to the inside of your wrist

"Oh, so I'm gone for three days and suddenly it's about me and not your exes?" there is spite in your voice, but it still wavers with how upset you are

Exclaiming "three days?!" was a big mistake on Aro's part, but in that moment he was so full of concern he hadn't realised it would only worsen the situation

"... You didn't know?" and the look on your face is absolutely heart shattering

And they have no words, nothing to say. Because there is no words, and there are no excuses.

"I was gone for three days, and you didn't care enough to notice?!?" your angry now. And you have every right to be. But they have no idea how to fix what they've done

[diagonal-queen]

chuuya, kunikida, and dazai with an s/o who would hide under the bed for no reason besides its nice down there and would sometimes grab their ankle to scare them

i would love to hang out under my bed tbh but i keep all my stuff under there lol. good deterrent for demons because then they can't fit under there

S/O who hides under the bed

♡ pairing: Chuuya Nakahara, Doppo Kunikida, Dazai Osamu x gn!Reader

♡ synopsis: How are these guys with an S/O who likes hanging out under the bed?

♡ cw: Swearing, teensy tiny bit of NSFW in Dazai's part.

note:

Seriously though. Thank you guys for all your sweet comments and messages I really appreciated all of them very much (and yes each one made me cry). I might not say it very much but I love all of you guys and I'm thankful for your support. Apologies for errors and I hope you enjoy x

Chuuya:

He's just kinda like...wha...? He's so confused at first lol

Even if you grab his ankle and try to scare him, he's just like...why'd you do that babygirl (gender neutral term). He'd also find it kind of adorable how frustrated you get that it didn't work, but what were you expecting? He's a mafia executive babygirl (again, gender neutral term)

Chuuya is little amused by your under-the-bed habit and lowkey thinks it's pretty cute. At first though he was kinda worried as to what caused it, but if it makes you feel better then he doesn't care

If he wants you out of there he will coax you out with your favourite food or something like you're a puppy (he's getting his yearning for a pet dog out of his system don't worry)

Probably wouldn't go under the bed with you super often, but you guys would have a lot of conversations while he's laying on the bed and you're laying under it. It's surprisingly easy to do!

Would start leaving you little gifts/snacks down there sometimes as a surprise

Probably wouldn't encourage you to sleep under there though. Spinal health and all

As always Chuuya is very supportive and all he wants is for you to feel happy and safe <3

Kunikida:

Worried about this habit at first. He assumes that it's some kind of trauma response. Whether it is or it isn't he'll learn to accept it don't worry

That being said he doesn't really love it. If you wanna relax he'd rather that you do it in a more comfortable space. If you're under there because you don't feel great then he'd rather you just talk to him. He'd do (almost) anything to make you feel better :')

If you grabbed his ankle one time to scare him he might never recover. Like he'd be genuinely terrified. Might faint or burst into tears or scream or something idk

Absolutely would chide you for your "childish behaviour". In all honesty he just feels like it's something Dazai would do and he suffers enough from this kind of thing at work

But yes in the end he would forgive you if you apologised to him. Might not be so kind if you continued trying to scare him though

Leaves you a pillow and a blanket down there just in case you get cold. He won't leave any food though because he's worried about ants and mould and stuff

Wouldn't go under there with you though. Sorry but he just doesn't wanna 😪

Honestly? As long as you're getting your shit done, he doesn't mind where you spend your free time

Dazai:

He literally doesn't even question it. Sometimes small spaces are just cosy y'know?

Dazai literally lived in a shipping container (at least I think? I haven't read Stormbringer yet T-T). He'd be all up for hanging out under the bed whether or not you were with him lol

The first time you grab his ankle to scare him, if you're lucky, you'll catch him off guard. But you're never getting his ass again, ever

I mean sometimes he might play along to humour you, but you'll literally never actually scare him again. Like he just walks into your bedroom under the assumption that you're under the bed and prepared to scare him.

Straight up if he can't find you when he wakes up or something he'll just guess that you're under the bed and won't bother you.

That being said if you straight up disappeared or something he'd obviously worry about you. But he gives you space when you need it, and will only come under the bed with you if you say he can

Also he would definitely start doing it to you. Both as revenge and just because he thinks it's funny, but he'll stop if you ask him to (you don't. It straight up becomes a war)

He straight up might try to get it on with you under the bed, as if there's room or something. Damnit Dazai

taglist~ ♡ @gettinshiggywithit, @fedyushka, @flower-of-darkness, @bejeweledgirl

[kyouka-supremacy]

You said In the tags of your recent asks "akutagawa actually is portrayed very naïve in canon".

Could you explain this more pls? Because I want to improve my writing of his character in my fics and in a sense i do understand what you mean here but I can't put it into words?! Like I don't have good grasp on this aspect of his character..

(And sorry if you received this ask twice my connection is bad idk if my previous ask has been sent or not 🙏)

I'm truly endlessly flattered you would take my interpretation of the character as characterization model, but at the same time I feel like advicing you to take everything I say with a grain of salt, since I feel like my interpretations can be a little unpopular in the fandom... (´；ω；｀)

Hi, thank you for this ask! I love talking about Akutagawa, and I find this to be a very endearing trait of his. Although I don't have many specific instances to pinpoint, I believe that there's a series of mannerism and inclinations he has that, together with his personality, can be explained in a picture of general naïvety. In particular, I think his general impulsivity and habit not to think things through result in such outcome: he's very... Superficial in a way. He takes things at face value. He's easy to trick. He doesn't constantly question and overthink as Atsushi does; he's simply very straightforward and direct. That's just how he is! (It's cute). The most blatant example for me is when he falls for Atsushi-Dazai's trick in chapter 34- of course, he's desperate, it's a very heartbreaking moment, but you see how Dazai wouldn't have fallen for it had him been in his place. Atsushi probably wouldn't have either, because he cares about his life enough not to jump off a balcony just like that. And that's the thing about Akutagawa's naïvety in the scene- he acts impulsively, spontaneously, without thinking about the consequences of his actions (even ignoring the putting himself in danger, he ultimately was easily tricked into letting Atsushi escape).

Akutagawa *is* narrow-minded. He speaks very bluntly and honestly, and he wears his heart on his sleeve. I remember one post defining him as having a single set of priorities that goes like “1. Kill the weretiger 2. Get Dazai’s approval 3. Die. That is his entire plan for his future. He has not planned farther than that.” and I think it really catches the character's essence. He doesn't overthink! He's straightforward! The man is thick. Take a look at his guidebook profiles answers: “What did you feel when joining forces with Atsushi? I’ll kill him next time.” “What's something you've recently been worried about? Does Dazai-san think about how much I've grown stronger?” “Something you've been into recently? Searching for Dazai's house.” “What do you want to overcome? My nemesis, the man-tiger.” “Where do you see yourself in 10 years?: Becoming the strongest ability user in Yokohama.” He really has like, two thoughts going on for him, and doesn't think much further than that. His whole “all you think about is slicing up the enemy before you” attitude as put by Atsushi is symptomatic of his simpleness of mind; and Atsushi is not wrong about him. Do you understand why I say Akutagawa is naïve? He's got a very limited set of priorities, and doesn't think much beyond of that.

By the way, in my opinion Akutagawa has been moulded by Dazai specifically not to approach things critically, to make him more inclined to follow orders blindly and not question things; so that contributed to this certain tendency to simply believe that what he's being said is, generally, true. I believe it makes sense for his position to contribute to that, too? Akutagawa is a pm executioner, a scary serial murderer; there's not that much people who would dare lie to him, but that probably ended up backfiring in the way that he ended up not expecting it from people, and he'll be assuming his own frightening aura will scare people off trying to lie to him, which in reality doesn't always work.

It’s quite endearing. I think Akutagawa is childish in a lot of ways - impulsive, immature -, and that's simply because he never got to grow up, you know? I stick to my take that Akutagawa looks way younger than he is in age, and that contributing to the horror aspects of his imaginary- like a ghost who was killed too soon and didn't get to grow up. Him having been deprived of normal circumstances that help properly develop critical thinking skills is self-explainatory, so that also explains him being so naïve, like a child.

[m34gs]

What is a belief you had as a child that you no longer have? Why did that belief change?

Hi hi! Thank you for the ask! So sorry to have kept you waiting; I was working a stretch and it left me too tired to put in the effort I wanted to for this ask so I waited until I had a day off! Some of my answer gets a bit heavy, so I will put that part under a cut in case anyone wants to skip it. 💜

Some of this hurts a little to admit, but I think maybe it's good to put into words. When I was a child, I believed what I needed most in life was the approval and praise of my family. I thought that as long as I had that, I would be able to live a happy life.

That is not true. It was never true. And I didn't truly realize it until I fully moved away from the town I grew up in, when I was 23. In the middle of a the pandemic.

I had been in the closet about being queer, and I never imagined I'd be able to be open about it. I was only just starting to explore my love of horror and horror movies more fully. I was under the impression that I needed to attend church to be a good person. When I moved away, I got to be unapologetically gay in my own home. I could watch whatever movies I wanted without fear that my father would walk in and complain about how gross and bad they were...you know, he honestly tried to tell me that children cartoons I watched when I was younger were the reason I had nightmares and that Ninja Turtles (yes, the teenage mutant ninja turtles. crime-fighting turtles, a completely fantastical thing that I not only knew wasn't real but that was a massive source of comfort and joy to me when I felt really alone) were the reasons I was a sinner. I stopped going to church (partly because of the pandemic) and I realized I felt so much better when I didn't worry about other people judging me or fitting into their little mould of what is "good".

And I realized what a shitty way I was treated by my father. He's not wholly a bad person; I always feel the need to preface it with that. He does good things. He can be kind. He's just a person, not evil or pure, and unfortunately he directed a lot of his unkindness toward me. I realized I don't need him. I don't need his approval. I don't even need my mother's approval. I need no one's approval but my own. Yeah, it stings if they judge me or don't like what I'm doing, but when it comes down to it, this is my life. I realized I don't need to stress about impressing distant cousins at the family reunions, and that I don't need to tolerate the bigotry of some of my father's family. (My mother says maybe it's good I don't go to the reunions on my dad's side as much, not because she doesn't want me there, but because she hears how other people talk and she doesn't like it and she knows the things they say would upset me for sure. She's right. If I'd gone to the past few, I absolutely would've gotten in a fight, and given my newer attitude of "if you're gonna be stupid, you'd better be tough/fuck around and find out, bitch" toward people who think they can just spout whatever hate they want, I am not sure it wouldn't have been a fist-fight.)

Funnily enough, while my father can definitely tell there's a change, he doesn't meet me with the hostility and rage I was expecting. Not sure if that's a testimony of his therapy sessions and anger management courses, or if mother told him how close I came to fully cutting him off, or if my confidence scares him. Maybe it's all three. I kind of hope he is scared of me. Call me petty, but I lived in fear of him for 23 years. He can learn to fear the monster he fucking created :)

Thanks for the ask, and sorry this got a little more soul-baring than I initially intended💜💜

[destinyc1020]

Hey destiny,

I dont know if you want to respond to this ask because it's about Tom and post Romeo and Juliet. I write this cause there have been so many think pieces bout hisbchiuces and some fans catastrophize, and I value your perspective on these things.

I'm excited for SM4 and Uncharted 2, but after that, I don't want Tom to be a part of Avengers 5 or any crossover until he has success outside of the MCU.

He's too talented to be stuck in that franchise that rn doesn't sound secure and looks to be dependent on him. Shawn Levy gave him praise a few days ago, teasing a deadpool crossover and for me thats an alarm bell in my head because it's so obvious they are trying to make his SM the Iron Man of that universe. What is baffling with me with his career is that he's doing these films cause he wants to, but deep down, I don't think he just wants to do just this. I remember the q&a for TCR for sag-aftra and how he was scared to go outside of the MCU bubble before taking that role and how he was happy he was doing this.

I'm confused because it's not just for money to stay in that universe. Tom avoids fashion shows and campaigns that could pay more than a movie star salary. He could really milk his persona for money due to him being a walking meme. He actively avoids socialising in hollywood or going to parties or events, yet he's stuck doing sequels? Tom is still young, he can always come back to those films cause the demand is high and i dont mind those films but i want some more variety. I selfishly want to understand where his head is. I would understand if he was deeply pretentious, but he's not. I've yet to see him do an a24 film or projects filmtwittwr has a hard-on for, lol. I don't like film twitter, sorry. Very toxic imo.

I rewatched TCR, and it's honestly so much better than I remembered. Tom is displaying an arpeggios of emotional acuity that is so uniquely rare that I didn't even want it to finish. I wanted to know more about Danny and his treatment. I'm not against big ip movies, I'm concerned with the lack of vision, director, scripts, and lack of practical effects. I want style as well as a blue screen.

The winner rumours are giving me hope because it's a risk, and I know Tom can do this. I think my irritation for his existing ip as of rn is those toxic fanbases and biased critics that use it against Tom as a cautionary tale. Don't do Marvel, or you'll end up like him like he isn't in high demand and talented af. Like JE is considered a movie star yet tell me a film he's opened as a lead not supporting, that made profit for over 200 million? They always move the goalposts for Tom and also Z, but that's for another day, lol.

If there's on actor Tom should look for inspiration, it's Tom Cruise. Take away his personal life, an actor who didn't fit the mould for most male actors of that time,he's the only one career that has still stayed intact. I remember reading that after being cast for his role in the interview with a vampire, he was swarmed with hate against him doing the part. Even the author and brad pitt were against his casting, and he proved them wrong. He doesn't have an oscar, but he's still considered a movie star as opposed to his peers who faded out.

Tom is a movie start idc. He sold out his show with just his name alone and an old pic, without Spiderman with a cast that was yet to be announced. Every day after a show, crowds are swarming to see him and the cast, not SM.

He has the sauce, I just hope he uses it now and don't wait.

Whew! Anon....You wrote a LOT in this ask lol. I'm not sure I can get to everything you've addressed in here, but I'll pick out some main points. I'm not sure if you intended this to be a "confession" or not, but I'll just answer normally...

First off: I write this cause there have been so many think pieces bout hisbchiuces and some fans catastrophize, and I value your perspective on these things.

I'm sorry, but WHAT?? 😅

I have no clue what that word means.

I'm excited for SM4 and Uncharted 2, but after that, I don't want Tom to be a part of Avengers 5 or any crossover until he has success outside of the MCU.

Hmm...I mean, I guess I can sort of understand that sentiment. You just want him to not be typecast as a Superhero, or to be seen as someone who can only be successful in action films/popcorn flicks I'm assuming? I think that's pretty fair. With that said, I will say that even though some of Tom's projects outside of Spiderman haven't been as well-received as we as fans might want (i.e. "Cherry", CW, TCR, I personally thought TDATT did pretty well actually), I will say that he's been very fortunate that a LOT of these have been only STREAMING projects. It's not like they were put out in theaters, so even if they weren't that well-received by critics, who cares?? It's not like they had "box office numbers" to also worry about.

Plus, who knows if these films might have done well at the box office even in spite of negative film critics' reviews? 🤔 Did anyone ever consider that? Either way, to me, it hasn't been that big of a deal?

He's too talented to be stuck in that franchise that rn doesn't sound secure and looks to be dependent on him.

Tom is definitely very talented! But does TOM himself feel "stuck" in the franchise? He hasn't filmed a Spiderman movie since 2020/2021...that's almost 4 years ago. Is he really "stuck"?? 🤔

What is baffling with me with his career is that he's doing these films cause he wants to, but deep down, I don't think he just wants to do just this. I remember the q&a for TCR for sag-aftra and how he was scared to go outside of the MCU bubble before taking that role and how he was happy he was doing this.

I definitely don't think that Tom wants to be typecast or put in a box... He seems to want to do other things outside of MCU films (hence, his venturing and experimenting with other more challenging roles), but at the same time, I do think that he genuinely enjoys playing the Spider-Man character? I don't think two things can be true at the same time. 🤷🏾‍♀️

I'm confused because it's not just for money to stay in that universe. Tom avoids fashion shows and campaigns that could pay more than a movie star salary. He could really milk his persona for money due to him being a walking meme. He actively avoids socialising in hollywood or going to parties or events, yet he's stuck doing sequels?

Maybe those just aren't his thing? 🤷🏾‍♀️

With that said, I mean, I DO think it's good to go to Hollywood parties SOMETIMES, because those afford you a lot of ways to network and meet people you look up to, and maybe influential people who can possibly give you another acting job at some point. 👀 To me, it's just smart?? But not everyone likes to go to parties, and not everyone is really wanting to have a persona. In Tom's case, he's UBER famous, so he might actually be trying to TEMPER down his fame a bit, so that's why he prefers not to really be out there. Even his dad said that he worries at times about Tom's fame (not about the work), because his level of fame might not afford him the ability to just go out and do things like that, and still live a normal life w/out being hounded, ywkim?

I've yet to see him do an a24 film or projects filmtwittwr has a hard-on for, lol. I don't like film twitter, sorry. Very toxic imo.

I'm not really understanding what this has to do with anything. MOST actors take on roles that speak to them or ones that they find either challenging or interesting. MOST actors aren't taking roles because they think "Film Twitter" is going to like it. 🙄 Most actors don't even care about what their fans or people are going to think when choosing roles.

They choose to do a role because it's a great opportunity to maybe work with a great director or cast that they've always wanted to work with, or because the story/writing/plot is very compelling and it's a role that they can really sink their teeth into.

I rewatched TCR, and it's honestly so much better than I remembered. Tom is displaying an arpeggios of emotional acuity that is so uniquely rare that I didn't even want it to finish. I wanted to know more about Danny and his treatment. I'm not against big ip movies, I'm concerned with the lack of vision, director, scripts, and lack of practical effects. I want style as well as a blue screen.

Yea, Tom did an amazing job in TCR! 😃 I'm sorry the series was so heavy that it kind of made him go into a dark place while filming it 😔, but overall, I'm really glad that he went outside of the grain and did something very different from the norm! 😊

And the Critics Choice gave him a nomination, sooooo.... Obviously it must not have been hated THAT badly by the critics lol.

If there's on actor Tom should look for inspiration, it's Tom Cruise.

I've been saying this for a while now! 😃

Tom is a movie start idc.

Of COURSE he is!! Why do you have doubt anon?? 😅

He has the sauce, I just hope he uses it now and don't wait.

Tom definitely has the sauce, and I actually think he's already been using it?? 🤔 What are you looking for anon? Also, do you know that actors (male actors) are typically able to have a long-running career in Hollywood and be just fine?? It's female actresses that usually have a time limit on the types of roles they can play. But men can play just about anything for as long as they're still alive. It's unfair, but it's true.

Tom is a white, hetero, MALE actor in Hollywood. He will be just fine! He has DECADES to play a ton of roles Anon. Some actors out here are only JUST NOW getting their shine and they're past their 30's and 40s. Look at Coleman Domingo for example. He JUSt now got an Oscar nomination this year, and he's 54 years old. Idk where fans get this idea that Tom (or ANY actor for that matter) needs to be winning Oscars in their 20s, or doing such huge roles before they've even hit their 30's, as if their time is going to somehow run out and they don't have 30 MORE years to go in this industry lol. 😅🤣

Even Leo didn't win an Oscar until he was well into his 40s. He got his first nod at age 19, but didn't actually WIN one until his 40s'. Leo has been touted as some kind of acting prodigy, but even HE didn't get recognized with an Oscar until his 40's, and he's been acting since he was a kid! So, Idk where this sense of urgency comes from when it comes to Tom and his acting career, but the man isn't even in his 30's yet lol. He has PLENTY of time to do a wide range of roles! 😊

[neighbourhoodwaifu]

For me I've always had the problem of mirroring people I see on TV, subtly adopting some of their mentality or traits if I'm exposed to them too long and relate to them on some level. It usually goes away after I stop watching the show. Typically protagonists I watch are men, and if they're cool or relatable I mirror them a little. I don't think I've mirrored many women on shows or movies. But I definitely easily connect with them. The one that comes to mind is Ripely from Alien. She's just a person, she's not a "girlboss" or something it has nothing to do with that. But she's so cool.

I also have always been fascinated by shows like Sailor Moon. I remember being a kid and wishing I could transform the way Sailor Moon does. I saw myself in her because she was pale and had blue eyes blonde hair like me. I didn't understand that this was weird for a while. I grew up to reject my more girly habits, and honestly became homophobic and a bit transphobic during my teenage years. Despite having weird fantasies. Lots of self loathing there.

The point is its been so hard to reconcile everything in my head and my life experiences because there's so much conflicting information. When I look in the mirror, and have a light beard and stern look, I think I look pretty good. Sometimes. But I look at my body and I want to be skinnier. I want to be curvier. I want to be sexy like a woman. Not like a man. But I've never been fit in a masculine way. Maybe I'd love myself how I am if I worked out more. But then I've always hated shopping, and never really liked clothes. Never really clicked. I ended up buying things I felt would make me look good for other people rather than for myself. Oftentimes I would lean toward things that broke the mould of what men typically wear. Like lots of pinks and pastels instead of blues and blacks. But it never felt like me. It felt like a costume. Like i was trying to fit in. When all I really wanted to do was throw on a shirt or sweater and some jeans or something. And women were so lucky because they have such amazing clothing and look so pretty or sexy or beautiful... and I think I resented help my wife pick out clothes because I was jealous. But it also would be fun to dress her up the way I want? Like... holy shit.

I am self diagnosed autistic. Shoot me. If you spent 10 years with me like my wife has you'd agree I'm autistic. I think people have always known, especially when I was younger and hadn't learned to cope or mask or fit in. None of it comes naturally to me and I'm not always "in" on what's going on. I've had to brute force my way to understanding by listening and shutting up for the first half of my life. Now I'm pretty good at navigating. But I think ive been holding back and pretending for so long that I never really found out who I am. And I think I've been depressed because I'm not really being what I want to be, just checking off the boxes everyday. And whenever I've had a wrongthink moment I've been scared of people judging me and thinking less of me. There so many threads and veins that interconnect and create this confusing concoction of emotions and holdbacks.

I think another problem I have is that I don't really FEEL my emotions right away BUT I will act on them in the moment. It's like the emotional side of my brain is living separately and just does whatever it wants with my body without me knowing until it shows itself. I don't cry much anymore except when really tragic things happen. But I have always had anger issues. Probably because of the autism, mostly. But also probably from not feeling comfortable expressing my emotions. Holding back tears. Holding back honest reactions and beliefs. It makes sense. It's not like I've had a terrible upbringing or friend group either. My family has been open to us being queer for a long time, and my friends are often queer. But the shame and fear of fantasizing about being a woman still remained my whole life. I've always seen it as a perverse fantasy rather than maybe a sense of desire to express my true self. Probably because of puberty. And my sexual attraction to women. I guess I couldn't tell the difference between gender envy and sexual attraction. Especially since I've never been sexually attracted to a man ever. So being a straight man was just obvious and simple. No extra steps needed. And I got a wife who loves me for me. And she's fine with whatever I want to do because she's probably asexual but she's worried because it seems sudden to her since I never really showed any of this. I never really considered it a realistic option. I assumed I never could be... but... I could... and it's the only life I have. I've though "I hope my next life is a woman, that'd be fun" but... there is no next life... so... if I want to be one I have to do it now. And I can. There are ways to do it. It doesn't have to he a fantasy. And worst case scenario I have to spend some money to undo some of the effects if I want to go back to being a man. But I don't think I would... because I don't like my face. I don't like my body. And I don't think getting toned and fit will remove all the apathy I have. Being healthy is good, but I think it's deeper than that.

I'm tired of living how I'm supposed to and want to live more hedonistically. I'm not a hedonist, but I want to embrace my natural desires more. If I want to buy a cute article of clothing I should just do it. If I want some cutesy item I should get it. But I don't want to gaslight myself and give into stereotypes. I want it to be my genuine desires. It's so hard to avoid falling into traps of "pretend" when my whole life has been some level of pretending. Putting on a show. I'm performing an act and the character is me. I just want to be me. I just want to be.

[crystalsnowmins]

Yoonmin Scenario #31

Taegimin! Au, In which Yoongi and Jimin break up on good terms and a few days later, Taehyung ask Yoongi if he can help him by pretending to be his fake boyfriend. Yoongi agrees, deeming nothing wrong with the arrangement, until one day Jimin knocks on his door and ask him that he has to play pretend with him for a few while because he hasn't told his parents that they have broken up.

In short, Yoongi is fucked when these two family meets and Yoongi has to pretend to be a boyfriend to two different people individually.

In retrospect, Yoongi should have thought everything thorough before shit was about to take down. Lying is bad kids.

Firstly, he shouldn't have pretended to be Taehyung's boyfriend when he freshly gotten out of a relationship. He shouldn't have given to Taehyung's stupid antics.

But he did anyway because him and Jimin ended things on good term, no hard feelings, or so he thought. At least not from his side. He doesn't know about Jimin, but when they broke up, it felt right.

So Yoongi didn't think why he had to dwell over a relationship that ended mutually and on good terms. He wondered why he shouldn't take Taehyung up on that offer and fuck with his parents who are homophobic in 21st century.

Secondly, he should have maybe told Jimin sooner or later than latter finding out on his own. Or, in hindsight, Yoongi should have explained the situation to both of them when they came across each other. But life fucks you up and that's that.

It's bound to make Jimin sad and Yoongi saw it, how his face changed from confused to sad when Taehyung introduced himself as Yoongi's boyfriend. And then Yoongi wondered why he didn't correct him or why did they pretend to be boyfriends in front of Jimin.

They were once in love, Jimin and him, it's heartbreaking to see your ex-boyfriend already moved on and Yoongi couldn't let Jimin feel that. He had loved him, still does a little bit, given their history, he couldn't give him wrong impression.

So they sat down and explained the situation in hand, and then he saw Jimin relaxing and Yoongi felt relieved too.

Thirdly, he should have known Jimin simply didn't come around. Something was up. He should have not accepted the offer. But goddamn, he has spoilt Jimin so much in their relationship, now the younger can pout and get his way.

That is how, he was standing in front of a room in the hospital, holding Jimin's hand and pretending to be a boyfriend for his ex-boyfriend.

In retrospect, Yoongi shouldn't have been weak to cute guys.

Jimin has explained how his mother had a heart attack and he's worried if he told her about the breakup, things will get worse. So he just wants Yoongi to pretend that they are together until his mother is stable.

For Sunday, Wednesday and Saturday, Yoongi was Jimin's boyfriend.

Other days, he was Taehyung's boyfriend, pretending to make Taehyung happy and falling in love so that his parents understand that being gay isn't just a phase and he can be happy falling in love with the same gender.

In retrospect, he should have heeded to the warning his friends put forward, but Yoongi thought he was just helping his friends out. He didn't find any harm.

Until, he realised how Kim Taehyung spent time with him when he didn't have to, since they were not in public or in the vicinity of younger's parents. He noticed things that aren't supposed to be noticed by someone who's playing pretend.

He started noticing the tan honey skin on Taehyung, his husky giggles and when he smiles genuinely, there's this boxy smile that takes place. He notices the long fingers, manicured nails and how elegant they look. He noticed how Taehyung doesn't sleep without something to cuddle, since he has been a victim of such cuddles.

And somewhere he started wondering how would kissing Kim Taehyung would feel like. Would it be clumsy like himself or would it be soft and calculated? Would it be teeth and tongue or would it be just moulding of lips? Would it be soft or chapped? (Soft, Yoongi knows because he has seen Taehyung applying lip balms and licking his lip constantly that brought the thought in first place.)

He realised sooner than he thought he would really, he was falling for Kim Taehyung and he doesn't know how he let that happen or if Taehyung feels the same. It was supposed to be fake.

When he's with Jimin, things are normal, because his movement doesn't have to be calculated. Even if it feels like a breath of fresh air with Taehyung, with Jimin it feels like that one afternoon where you just wanna let the day go by and cuddle.

With Jimin, it's easy because they have dated. It's easy to calculate and read Jimin because they were in love. Things fall naturally between them despite the fake pretense.

But as the things fall easy, a thought falls over Yoongi. If things were this simple, why did they break up? Does he really not miss how Jimin likes cuddling and attaching himself to Yoongi? Does he not miss how soft Jimin looks when he's sleeping and Yoongi feels content looking at him ? (There's always something new to notice.) Does he not miss the hushed giggles and breathlessness? The uncontrollable moans that escape Jimin when they are making love? Does he not miss pillowtalk? How Jimin talks about meeting cats just right after they had sex?

And when one evening, when he realises that he actually misses those moments with Jimin, he knows he's fucked because of course, he's still in love with Jimin.

And he's starting to love Taehyung.

Just his luck.

In retrospect, he shouldn't have kissed Taehyung when he knew he had feelings for Jimin. But all the times Yoongi dreamt of Taehyung's lips, he couldn't just push him now. He should have stopped and talked but he didn't and things escalated. Oh, it escalated, alright, with a naked Yoongi waking next to equally naked Taehyung, cuddling like-like it's right when it isn't. (Even when it felt right.)

Or maybe, since his reminiscing those days, where he could have stopped things from taking wrong turns, he shouldn't have initiated that kiss with Jimin, a week after sleeping with Taehyung, when he knew he was falling well for Taehyung, hard and fast.

But he did because Jimin was crying, and when Jimin cries, Yoongi hugs him and kiss his face, things escalated but thankfully they didn't sleep. Kissing Jimin reminded Yoongi of all the things he loved about Jimin.

Namjoon would question, what the hell is wrong with you dude?

Yoongi would say, he doesn't know.

And leading them both was a wrong, wrong thing, bad Yoongi. Really.

Which led every wrong turns to this major wrong turn, a clash between Park and Kim family and a tiny Min Yoongi standing between them. He doesn't know whom to side with.

The ladies of Park and Kim family are in heated argument about who's boyfriend really Min Yoongi is?

Little shits are scared to open their mouth and they should feel ashamed of their stupid plan. Or maybe Yoongi should feel stupid because even being an adult, he agreed to these stupid arrangements.

Yoongi glares at them and gestures them to come clean because if things turn to him, he will run. He hasn't felt this much embarssment since he peed his pants when he was 7 years old.

"There's a thing called polymorous relationship kids are doing these days, maybe that's what it is," Kim Seokjin finds the situation amusing as he says that and drink from his wine glass.

Yoongi glares.

"Yoongi-ah and Jiminie has been dating for two years now," Mrs Park flaunts.

"That's bullshit! Yoongi has been dating my son for about eight months now," She argues.

Technically, he started fake-dating Taehyung 3 months ago, but the lovely son lied his ass off.

"Jimin-ah, are you dating both of them?" Jimin's mother ask him and Jimin blushes and says no, says he's only dating Yoongi. That doesn't make it easier when they aren't dating. "Don't lie, Jiminie," His mother patiently ask again and Jimin is insistent.

"He's right, we aren't dating him and neither he's dating us, It's just Yoongi and I," Taehyung clears and that...doesn't make it easier because again, they aren't dating for real.

Which leads to another argument about who's really Yoongi dating?

"Ladies," Seokjin gets their attention, honestly, why is he here in the first place? "The only person who knows the truth, is Min Yoongi himself," Oh no, and all the eyes turn to him.

Fuck this shit. Fuck Kim Seokjin. Fuck his life. Fuck Taehyung and Fuck Jimin. Not literally.

He takes a deep bteath, if those two brats aren't going to come clean, he will. Because fuck it hurts.

"Jimin-ah," He simply says and offers his hand. Taehyung looks worried and a little hurt. Mrs. Park look satisfied and Mrs. Kim looks confused. "Let's tell her," He nods calmly.

"Hyung, no." Jimin worries his lower lips.

"We'll tell her calmly, okay? I'm tired, hyung can't run two paths, Jimin-ah, let's end this pretense here, please." It's whispers between them, nobody could hear them but everybody is equally intrigued.

Jimin looks and for the first time maybe he notices and tries to understand what Yoongi is going through. How he wakes up on Tuesday and had to rush to Taehyung for a family breakfast. How he smiles when he talks about Taehyung, how he says that Taehyung slept over again but he doesn't mind. How he fondly complains that Taehyung hogs the bed and blanket and how he cuddles like a monster. But it's fond. It hurts but he understands now. That's why Yoongi chose him to confess because he doesn't love him, he loves someone else and Jimin should let go.

So he nods and they make their way to Jimin's mother. The kneel in front of her and Yoongi takes her wrinkled hands in his.

"Eommeoni, whatever we tell you, take it calmly and do not panic." He smiles. "Jimin and I broke up three months ago-" She opens her mouth to ask.

"Eomma, just listen to him," Jimin asks of her.

"We broke up when you had your first heart attack and Jimin was sad, he didn't know whom to turn to. So when he asked me to pretend for a while until you are stable, I decided to help him because I couldn't see you both hurt in anyway. I know you thought we'd last for long and possibly have a future, But we fell out and we fell out on good terms." He turns to Jimin who nods at this and smiles.

"I love him and I guess I always has and I always will," He feels eyes on him, more prominent Jimin's. "But things wouldn't have worked out between us, I know. I rather have him as a friend than a lover because I don't want to lose Jimin, I want him as a friend. And this is good for us, so don't worry. Jimin... he'll find someone, someone who will love him more and better." Yoongi smiles and looks at Jimin who is smiling, relieved.

"And don't worry about whom Jimin choose, we will go through the guy together so that we know our Jiminie doesn't end up with someone bad," Jimin let's out a wet chuckle as well as his mother. He kisses Mrs. Park forehead and rubs her tears.

"I hope you're no mad at us, we only wanted to look out for you, even it was unconventional." He hugs her.

"I couldn't be mad at you Yoongi, after everything you have done for my Jiminie. It will suck that we lost you but I wouldn't force you guy to try again." She says and pats his back.

"You never lost me, I'm here, one call and I'll be there." He promises and she nods.

He turns to Jimin and kisses his forehead as well, apologising for everything. Jimin says he's fine even when Yoongi chides at him for lying.

"Then I'll be fine," He promises.

When he gets up, he looks around. Everybody's eyes are on him, waiting for an explanation.

"See, I told you, hyung and I are dating," Kim Taehyung speaks and Yoongi realises he cannot carry with that as well because it hurts knowing you love someone and they don't love you.

"Taehyung, come on," He offers his hand. And he understands immediately.

"Hyung, no." He parrots Jimin's earlier words.

"Tae-"

"They wouldn't understand-please, I'll tell them later," Taehyung pleads but Yoongi still pulls him.

"I don't wanna do this anymore, Taehyung." Yoongi sharply says only because Taehyung was being difficult. "Is that enough reason for you tell now?" He asks and let go of his hands because fuck, it has always hurt.

"Mrs. Kim," He greets.

"Yoongi,"

"Taehyung and I weren't dating, we only pretended to date so that you would understand that it's okay for Taehyung to be gay and in love with another male. We mean no harm, I hope you can find it in you to forgive us." Yoongi wasn't kneeling nor was he holding Mrs. Kim's hand because they weren't close but he was as respectful and polite as ever.

She opens her mouth confusedly-

"Eomma, let's talk later, at home. I promise I'll explain everything." Taehyung pleads and she nods.

"I hope you understand that Taehyung wasn't pretending to be happy. He was genuinely happy, even with the thought of dating another man. It's not a phase, please accept him as he is. He only went through all this because he wants your blessing." Yoongi finishes and takes a deep breath.

"I don't know what to say," Taehyung's mother speak.

"I don't expect you to, but I hope you forgive me." He bows down to her one final time and face Taehyung.

"Taehyung-"

He raise his hand, a cold expression on his face unlike how Jimin took the news.

"Dont sweet talk to me," He says without even looking.

"I only did this because you're my friend and you knew we took-"

"I-I don't wanna be your friend. I-" He doesn't say anything. "Eomma, let's go." He redirects his attention to his mother, leaving Yoongi hanging.

"Stay, the party is still going on. If that's all, I'll take my leave," Yoongi announces and looks around. He bows down and decide to leave. When he's outside, he takes a deep breath of cold air, feeling a little relieved but a lot more hurt. Hurried footsteps follow him and he waits.

The person stands next to him, "That was very mature of Yoongi."

"Thanks, hyung." He smiles at him. "Don't think I forgot how you almost jeopardise everything."

And Seokjin had the audacity to wink.

"You know what I wanna do?" They start walking.

"Make this as a career?" Seokjin jokes and Yoongi unimpressively looks at him. "Too soon for such jokes?" He wonders and Yoongi nods.

"I wanna go home and sleep like dead and wake up to the day when Taehyung asked me to be his fake boyfriend." He has reevaluated it and he knows that day, he should have said no.

"If it was so easy to change the past, you think people would have regrets?"

And it makes Yoongi think about it for the whole night.

They walk, not knowing where they are going.

"Hyung, how come you were there?"

"A little birdie told me that Parks and Kims are attending the same function, I couldn't resist to see the disaster taking place."

"Thanks, Hyung. I'm glad you find my misery amusing."

"Always."

"How the hell did you even get in without an invitation?"

"With a face like mine, I could get in anywhere."

"True."

"I'm almost like a God."

"Almost makes a difference."

Jin flips him for that.

"Hey, Hyung? If you really are God, can you make sure Jimin and Taehyung are okay after this?"

It's after two weeks of not mopping but still being sluggish, Yoongi opens the door to Mrs. Kim.

"Mrs. Kim?"

"You don't look too well too," She secretively smiles. Yoongi scratches his neck. She passes him a box.

"I was visiting Turkey and I bought some Turkish sweets." She explains and Yoongi nods, almost lost. "I won't take much your time."

"Please come in," He moves aside. But she shakes her head no and smile.

"I just wanted to apologise, you were right about Taehyung being gay. As a mother I should have accepted him sooner. If I would have, things wouldn't have turned out like this. I'm sorry for dragging you through our family dramas." She speaks fastly but also genuinely.

"I don't mind-"

"A month ago, I called Taehyung and we talked about him being gay. I told him I accepted him and that I'm proud that he didn't try to hide. I told him I'm happy-oh?" She looks behind Yoongi to see Jimin standing there cluelessly. He bows down to her.

"Is it a wrong time?" She asks, her smile seems forced now.

"No, no, I'll be in the room." Jimin instead answers and leaves.

"Where was I? Oh, right. I told him I was happy for him and I accepted him. At that time I didn't know he was dating you out of pretense and he didn't come clean then as well." She speaks after that, her speech was hurried but it was different type of hurried. Like she wanted to be done with and leave. "I just-i don't know why he kept lying even after I accepted him and that's why I wanted to apologise, even after everything, Taehyung still dragged you." She breathes and nods to herself.

"I-I don't know what to say." He looks bewildered at the revelation.

"I don't expect you to," She smiles. "But I hope you can forgive him." She says and bows down, taking a leave as soon as she came.

Yoongi enters the kitchen and places the gift on the table. Jimin sitting there, munching on nachos and completing his assignment.

"What was that all about?" He asks with mouth full.

"Taehyung's mother already accepted him and he still kept fake dating," Yoongi concludes after he told Jimin about the conversation that took place. "Why would he do that?"

"Are you stupid?" Jimin scoffs as he tries to slide the Turkish delights towards himself but Yoongi swats his hand away for calling his hyung stupid.

Yoongi looks at him for an explanation and Jimin rolls his eyes.

"Why did he indeed lie to you, hyung?" Jimin presses and Yoongi looks back, shrugs. "Aish, so clueless," he shakes his head. "He likes you or even love you." He even spelt the word love to Yoongi so that his hyung wouldn't have trouble understanding.

"I-"

Yoongi doesn't know what to say. He's at loss of words. Taehyung loves him?

"Hyung, you too love taehyung, dont you?" Jimin asks sweetly and Yoongi nods because he does, he still does. "You should tell him," He suggests and slowly takes away Yoongi's Turkish delights while he's processing.

"How-I don't even know if it's true!" Yoongi argues.

"It is, trust me." Jimin pouts. "Why would he lie when he got what he wanted? Because he wanted to stay with you. Keep pretending go be your boyfriend. Because once you fake breakup with him, you'd leave him." And as Jimin kept explaining, it started making sense a little.

"Hyung, I know how Taehyung looks at you, it's how we looked at each other once when we were in love. And hyung, you love him, he loves you. You do the math, you'll get the answer. You should submit first then. Because Taehyung doesn't have the correct equation yet, not until someone tells him what does addition symbol do. You love him, you know he loves you. He loves you but he doesn't know you love him, hyung." And Jimin was babbling, he was eating Yoongi's Turkish delights and the powdered sugar coated his lips. He looked like the least selective person who should be giving advices.

But fuck, "It's scary whatever you said made sense." Yoongi points out. He does have the complete equation, he should simply add and get an answer and he has to submit first. Fuck. He loves Taehyung and Taehyung loves him back. Fuck.

"What do I do?" He wonders panicking, pacing around the kitchen.

"You go to him and confess," Jimin shrugs, licking the chocolate from his fingers. Yoongi looks at him like he has third eye on his forehead. "What? Don't be a wuss hyung, just confess and I say you do it now because Mrs. Kim must have had the wrong idea when she saw me here." And then he's back to his assignment.

And fuck, how didn't Yoongi realise that? That's why she left in a hurry.

"Park Jimin, you're genius," Yoongi breathes out and cups his face to kiss his forehead with a big, wet smack. Jimin pushes him away annoyed but still a blush cover his face.

"I know," He mumbles to himself.

And half an hour later, Yoongi is standing in front of Taehyung's apartment, ringing his doorbell and hoping Mrs. Kim didn't arrive before him while he was still sorting his thoughts.

The door open and Kim Taehyung, in all his glory, stares confusedly at Yoongi who's panting like a dog.

"Did-did your mom come he-here?" He pants out.

"Uh no," Taehyung answers. "What are you doing here? Are you okay?" He wonders and wait for Yoongi to calm down in front of his vestibule. "Did you take the stairs? The elevator works just fine, you know?" Taehyung snorts, leans against the door frame, hands folded on his chest.

Yoongi looks up to glare at him but it dies down because how soft Taehyung looks and then Yoongi once again realises how much he loves Kim Taehyung.

"Fuck," Yoongi takes deep breath and stands straightly. "I love you," He says without beating around the bush. "Fuck, I love you. And before your delusional ass say anything else, I know you love me too, so don't pretend." Yoongi warns. Taehyung stand up straight too, looking alarmed and Yoongi is satisfied.

"And even if you dont, I do. I love you, Kim Taehyung." He breathes out, body requiring more oxygen than usual.

"Why didn't you tell me anything? Why didn't you tell me your mom was fine with your sexuality?" Yoongi asks, ruffling his hair. He knows why but he wants to hear from Taehyung himself.

"She-uh, she told you?" He meekly ask, avoiding eye contact.

"Yes," Yoongi huffs. "Why didn't you say anything?" He presses.

"Because I thought you didn't love me!" Taehyung throws his hands up in exasperation, then brings it back to clutch his hair. "I thought if I tell you, you'll find me clingy and what not. And fuck! I thought you still loved Jimin." He frustratingly snaps, looking anywhere but at Yoongi. Tg2ey should take it inside but Yoongi cannot bring himself to care.

"Of course I love Jimin," Yoongi mumbles and Taehyung let's out a fake chuckle. Yoongi is immediate to correct himself. "He's my ex Taehyung, I loved him once. And he's my friend. We've been together for two years, it takes time to let go." He calmly explains to Taehyung and moves closer. If Taehyung notices, he doesn't move back.

"I love him as a friend, nothing more. Because I couldn't love him anything other than that when I was completely in love with you," As Yoongi says this, he takes Taehyung's chin and make him face Yoongi. "I still am," He confirms, looking at Taehyung's lips. "And I missed you and I don't think you're clingy, just when you cuddle and hog stuffs," He gets a rightful punch from Taehyung and grins.

"God, Taehyung, I'll do anything to prove you that I love you and not Jimin." He looks deeply into his eyes to prove his point.

"Anything?" Taehyung playfully smirks.

"I don't like what you're thinking," Yoongi worries.

"You said anything." Taehyung sings songs. "I'll let you know soon," He promises. "Starting, how about you kiss me so that it can prove how much you missed me?" Yoongi quirks.

And he kisses him like he missed him, alright. He kisses him like he missed his body, he kisses him until Taehyung breathlessly returns the confession around his mouth.

And he kisses him as a real boyfriend would.

***

Because I love taegi. No other reason.

Before yall go around saying it's technically Taegi Scenario, which is technically but it had yoonmin and that's all the reason I want to make it as a Yoonmin Scenario. Adios.