#honestly I might've forgotten some

[shy-sapphic-ace]

List of queer books I read, loved & recommend!

(There isn't any particular order, I wrote these as I remembered them)

Master Of One - Jaida Jones & Dani Bennett (mlm, fantasy, very cool worldbuilding and magic system, funny, cool characters)

Legends & Lattes - Travis Baldree (wlw, fantasy, very soft & chill vibes)

The Priory of the Orange Tree - Samantha Shannon (wlw, high fantasy, cool worldbuilding, kinda reminds me of LOTR but with more dragons and feminism and lesbians)

Even Though I Knew The End - C.L. Polk (wlw, supernatural noir, cool 1930s detective story with angels & demons, I loved this one!)

The Love Interest - Cale Dietrich (mlm, science fiction, very cool concept)

The Darkest Part Of The Forest - Holly Black (side mlm, fantasy, cool fae lore)

The Weight Of The Stars - K. Ancrum (wlw, not quite science fiction but space stuff is involved, lovely and complex characters)

Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe - Benjamin Alire Sáenz (mlm, fiction, very nice in general, there is also a sequel)

The Gentleman's Guide to Vice and Virtue - Mackenzi Lee (mlm, historical and vaguely fantasy, nice story but I preferred the sequel honestly)

The Lady's Guide to Petticoats and Piracy - Mackenzi Lee (wlw, the sequel to the one before, more fantasy elements than the first, asexual main character!!)

Gallant - V.E. Schwab (no romance, but in the background one of the characters(?) uses they/them pronouns, very cool dark fantasy vibe)

Stranger Than Fanfiction - Chris Colfer (gay main character, trans main character, coming-of-age, nice book)

Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda (yes it's the Love, Simon book, mlm, fiction, pretty nice)

They Both Die At The End - Adam Silvera (mlm, sci-fi ish but mostly fiction, cool ideas, but the ending is sad! Very amazing book though, I haven't read the prequel yet)

The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo - Taylor Jenkins Reid (wlw, bi main character, historical fiction, cool story, just a neat book in general)

This Is How You Lose The Time War - Amal El-Mohtar & Max Gladstone (wlw, sci-fi, very cool time travel stuff!! and very beautiful, it felt like reading poetry most of the time)

One Last Stop - Casey McQuinston (wlw, background trans & pan & queer characters, sci-fi or fantasy idk, but time travel, I loooved this book, great)

The House In The Cerulean Sea - TJ Klune (mlm, fantasy, THIS BOOK oh my gosh you should read it!!, just cute and lovely and good)

Under The Whispering Door - TJ Klune (mlm, fantasy, this book is also sooo amazing, great character development and awesome relationships and stuff, it's been a while since I read it but it was so good)

In the Lives of Puppets - TJ Klune (mlm, ace main character!!, sci-fi, now THIS is found family, oughh feelings. argh, tj klune you’ve done it again, a human and his family of funky robots… I love them)

And They Lived... - Steven Salvatore (nblm, fiction, about gender identity and learning to love yourself, read it a while ago but it was very nice)

I Wish You All The Best - Mason Deaver (nblm, fiction, about finding your identity and people who care about you, very cute and sweet)

The Song Of Achilles - Madeleine Miller (mlm, historical, very good in general)

Carry On - Rainbow Rowell (mlm, background wlw in the third book, fantasy, it's a trilogy, basically Harry Potter if it was gay and also better)

Silver In The Wood - Emily Tesh (mlm, fantasy, very pretty, lots of fae stuff and lovely descriptions, it has a really good sequel too)

Pretty much anything by Alice Oseman (all cute and lovely and great, though I've only read Radio Silence so far I hear only good things, Solitaire is on my to-read list)

I Kissed Shara Wheeler - Casey McQuinston (wlw, fiction, it's been a while but I liked this book)

The Falling In Love Montage - Ciara Smyth (wlw, fiction, this book was so cute and funny and deeply emotional it made me Feel way too many things, I'd definitely recommend it)

What Big Teeth - Rose Szabo (a bit of queerness all around, fantasy, werewolves and monsters, this one was pretty cool!, lots of original ideas for the world/character building)

His Quiet Agent - Ada Maria Soto (mlm, asexual, fiction, about like spies but this book was so gentle and sweet I wanted to cry in the best way possible)

Some By Virtue Fall - Alexandra Rowland (wlw, historical fiction(?), theatre drama!! rival romance!! duels!!, a very good read in general)

Don’t Want You Like a Best Friend - Emma R. Alban (wlw, historical fiction, I’m not usually one for regency romances, but I really liked this!!, very cute and lots of drama, and there’s a sequel coming out soon!)

[moongothic]

God I wish I could remember what Oda once said about mothers in One Piece... I can't remember if it was about Luffy's mother in particular or moms in general, but he essentially joked about how you'd have to be A Really Horrible Mother to allow your child to go off and become a pirate (dangerous business no loving mother would allow)

And just... My vague memory of that comment is living in my head right now, because truly, if Crocodile somehow is Luffy's mom, truly nothing would make him a worse mom than

Literally trying to murder his child and beating him to near death multiple times the first time they actually meet

Going so far to stop being a mom that he became a dad instead

[thenightshiftcomic]

I wanted to doodle them and could only think of this

[chuluoyi]

𝐍𝐎𝐂𝐓𝐔𝐑𝐍𝐄 𝐎𝐅 𝐓𝐖𝐈𝐋𝐈𝐆𝐇𝐓

- zayne x reader

he is your husband and you are his wife. but of course you know the bitter truth—you will never be able to replace her.

genre/warnings: 18+ suggestive content—minors do not interact!—angst, hurt/comfort, unrequited love, drunken sex, mentions of injury, blood, hunter!reader (not l&ds mc -> l&ds mc is zayne's late ex-girlfriend here), spoilers! from zayne’s bond story nostalgic sweetness

note: wc. 8k ! i've been having these bits and pieces scenarios for zayne in mind and then i thought what if i combined it all into one angst joyride? :)) tagging per request: @kissxcore @rjreins @i2s2m @tom-pls-fuck-me @yueyoonie @sanriosatoru

07.15 p.m

Zayne would be getting off work soon. He had just finished an emergency surgery, and it had been exhausting. Now it was quite late.

“Dr. Zayne! Great job today!” Greyson exclaimed, suddenly strolling into his consultation room with a grin. “Want to grab dinner with us?”

Honestly, he was starving too. “Where?”

“Oh, you know, that new place that just opened nearby! They have the tastiest tiramisu, or so I’ve heard. C’mon, we’re inviting the nurses too!”

He knew he needed to head home soon, but fatigue and hunger blurred his thoughts at the mention of dessert.

“Alright.”

. . .

08.25 p.m

Getting together with the hospital staff was always nice. They were rowdy, but it was definitely a great way to unwind after a hard day.

The tiramisu was as great as Greyson said. Speaking of his assistant, he and Yvonne were having a blast. Other doctors were getting drunk. Zayne could only shake his head, and it suddenly dawned on him that he had been here quite a while.

It was only when he turned on his phone and saw the time that he realized, with sinking heart that—

He was supposed to meet you at six.

If you were asked how you felt about your life now, you’d be hard-pressed to say you were completely content.

You were a stellar fighter in the Hunter Association, more than content with your job, and you had a good husband. To some, you had what they would call the perfect life.

The wife of the Dr. Zayne. True, it was a flattering title, yet unbeknownst to everyone, also a humbling one.

And the notion struck you once again when your husband of almost two years stood you up on your dinner date without so much as a notice.

“Miss... we’re about to close now...” The waitress approached your table for at least the third time, and you nodded sheepishly, finally finishing your meal.

You paid for it and left the restaurant. The chilly night air hit your skin, giving you goosebumps as you walked home. It wasn’t the first time this had happened. Granted, Zayne had a packed schedule, and you figured he might've had an urgent matter to attend to that he forgot to let you know.

Still... it hurts. Knowing you were not a priority in your husband’s eyes wasn’t a fun feeling.

Your phone buzzed in your pocket the moment you arrived at your shared home. Your husband’s name flashed on your screen. The time now was 08.40 p.m.

“Hello, Zayne?”

“Y/N?” Your husband’s voice sounded frantic. “Are you still at the restaurant? I’m going—”

“Ah, no need to. I’m going home.”

“I’ll pick you up then. Stay there—”

“I’ve already arrived.”

An awkward silence settled between you, and you could clearly hear the noise on the other end. Greyson’s laughter was unmistakable.

You forced a laugh, still trying to sound cheerful for him even when realizing that he had completely forgotten about you. “It’s totally fine, Zayne! Are you heading back?”

“Yeah...”

“Take care then. See you at home.”

You ended the call with a sigh, trying to shake off the sting in your heart. As you made your way upstairs to your bedroom, you passed by a large portrait on the wall, and a bittersweet sensation washed over you.

Your wedding photo. Both of you were smiling on what was the most wonderful day of your life. Zayne’s smile was reserved, but yours was radiant.

It is the most wonderful thing that has happened to you... but is it the same for him?

At that time, despite everything, you were convinced a lifetime of happiness awaited you, yet now... it got harder to fool yourself into believing it.

Your marriage has always been lukewarm.

Zayne wasn’t an overly excited person, and you were his opposite—but try as you might, some things between you just didn’t work out. As a result, both of you tended to keep certain things to yourselves.

Most days, this didn't bother him. He valued his privacy, so the way things were suited him just fine. However, several days later, when Greyson approached him with a worried expression and a news, even Zayne had to draw the line.

“Dr. Zayne? Uh, how do I say this? I think I saw your wife being wheeled in earlier with the injured from the hunt zones raid…”

. . .

“Your husband is a doctor here. Why aren’t you calling him?”

Xavier, your fellow Deepspace Hunter who was partnered with you in this mission, questioned you with a hint of annoyance as he observed your pathetic state on the stretcher and crossed his arms. “Why do you have to bleed out in ER when you can get him?”

You winced, pressing the bloodied cloth against your stinging abdomen as you felt yourself growing faint. “He’s... a surgeon,” you panted. “He’s busy.”

Above all, you didn’t want Zayne to see you like this. You could already imagine his angry face, and that mental image alone made you recoil.

“What sort of husband is busy when his wife is injured?” Xavier raised an eyebrow. “Did you at least notify him?”

You shut your eyes, feeling a migraine coming.

“I will then.”

“No.”

“Y/N, you—”

“Shut up, Xavier—”

The curtain was suddenly pulled back, and you braced yourself for whoever had come to check on you next. To your surprise, the cloth in your hand was snatched away, and you felt your uniform being torn open with urgency.

When you opened your eyes, you barely made out your husband’s figure through your hazy vision. “…Zayne?”

His expression was stern, unforgiving even, as he started to disinfect your wound. Despite the tension, you couldn't deny the relief that washed over you. You knew you were in good hands, even if you had to face his fury later on.

Your consciousness slipped away not long after that.

. . .

The next time you woke up, you found yourself in a private room, with a nagging itch where you had been injured.

You groaned, your limbs stiff and heavy, and the room slowly came into focus—along with your husband's face.

"Zayne?" Your voice came out barely above a whisper. He stood pristine in his white coat and glasses, assessing you with a scrutinizing gaze.

"Your wound is, thankfully, shallow," he said flatly, his tone lacking any real concern. "You'll be discharged tonight. I'll take you home as soon as my shift is over."

"Ah..." You blinked several times to clear your head. "Good then. Sorry for showing up out of nowhere. Xavier and I were on a rescue mission, and I accidentally—"

He walked away before you could finish, the abruptness snapping you fully awake. He was furious, that much was clear.

"Ha ha..." You forced a laugh, fiddling with your fingers, trying to ease the awkward tension between you. "It doesn't hurt much, actually. You're right—I'm fine..."

Zayne shot you a sharp glance. "You passed out due to blood loss."

"This isn't the first time it has happened and nor will it be—"

"And it didn't even occur to you to inform me at all. I found out that my own wife was wounded because Greyson passed by the ER and saw you."

His words left you silent, caught red-handed, but your annoyance was reaching its limit. You had imagined how nice it would be if he panicked about you, showering you with care when he found out. But instead, Zayne chose to rebuke you the moment you woke up.

“I’m not a child,” you reasoned, keeping yourself calm. “I’m a hunter. This is nothing new, and you should understand that.”

“The least you could’ve done is to tell me—“

“Do you know why I didn’t? It’s because I know how you’ll react!”

“—and it would do you better to prioritize your safety and not rush headfirst into danger.”

“Believe me, I do but—!”

Suddenly, Zayne spun around to face you, his eyes blazing with fury as he raised his voice. “I’ve told you so many times already, you have to stay back, or you’ll end up—!”

He stopped abruptly, leaving his sentence hanging in the air, but right at that moment, you knew all too well who he meant, and what the implication was.

His, without a doubt, greatest love. His childhood friend, a hunter like yourself, someone he had vowed to save but succumbed to her illness before he could do so, died on arrival.

The irony was sharp. You had become everything she once was. You knew her well, too. When she passed, the entire Hunter Association mourned her loss. And more than that, on the night she died, you had been with him.

Looking back, you should have seen it coming. Still, it hit you like a splash of cold water. Your husband was still preoccupied with thoughts of his ex-girlfriend, and worse yet, he saw pieces of her in you.

And you suspected he had for a while—perhaps even, from the very beginning.

For a second there, not for the first time, you felt your heart shatter.

“I don’t have Protocore syndrome,” you stated, steeling yourself against the heartbreak. “My heart won't suddenly fail because I get injured. I’m not that weak.”

You turned away as Zayne refused to respond, missing his look of disdain as he stormed out of the room.

That was when your first tear fell.

Right from the start, you knew you had to brace yourself for this. You knew that eventually, this tragedy would overshadow your marriage. Because while Zayne might be your husband by law, deep down, his heart still belonged to someone else.

To her.

You two are too much alike.

It wasn’t the first time he had noticed it. And it wouldn’t be the last.

On bad mornings, when his eyes were bleary and he hadn't had a good sleep, he would see her instead of you in your shared bed. And with that mistaken sight came a fleeting sense of relief... until his vision cleared and he remembered she was truly gone and it was you.

Zayne knew how wrong this was on so many levels. It was terribly unfair to you.

Still, his concern for you was genuine. Seeing you lying still on the stretcher brought back that very same nightmare, and really, he truly never wanted you to be hurt.

After his outburst and your clipped response, the two of you barely exchanged any words for the rest of the week. To make matters worse, he was sent on a business trip the following week, and all in all, you went two weeks hardly speaking to each other.

And before he knew it, her death anniversary was only a couple of days away.

. . .

"How much is this?"

"Ah, the bow is 50,000 Gold, sir!"

Inside the airport's souvenir shop, Zayne examined the intricate light blue and white bow clip. Made of tweed and adorned with small pearls, it looked nice.

He thought it'd suit you well.

"I'll get this then."

"Right away!"

As the clerk went to wrap the trinket, Zayne reflected on these past two weeks. A nagging feeling twisted in his gut as he thought about how curt he had been with you in text messages and how often you had left him on read.

Husband and wife shouldn't be this way. He wanted the unbearable air between you to end. Determined to resolve things, he planned to talk to you when he returned. He was on his way to the airport taxi when—

"Zayne!" He stopped in his tracks, recognizing the familiar voice, and turned around.

There you were, waiting by his car with a smile.

It was never in you to stay angry for long. It was a blessing and a curse, really, because while you no longer wished to give your husband silent treatment, a part of you still felt conflicted.

"How was your trip?" you asked as you started the engine, pushing the events of the past two weeks to the back of your mind.

Zayne didn't immediately answer, and you felt his gaze on you as you drove the car. "It was okay."

You hummed in acknowledgement, and he followed up with, "How is your wound? Do you dress it daily?"

"Mm-hm. It's getting better."

"I'll have a look at it later."

"Sure."

Silence. Usually you would ramble to distract him, but now, even you weren’t sure if you should.

Then, he said, "You really didn’t have to pick me up. I could have made my way home on my own."

To that, you pasted on a smile. “You always pick me up whenever I have to go on business trips. It’s only fair I do the same for you, husband.”

Ah. Was it the wrong move? The word had slipped out so easily that you didn’t realize it until after you said it.

But to your surprise, Zayne let out a chuckle and played along. "Well, thank you then, wife. It certainly felt quite off without a certain someone the past week."

So, he actually likes having you around...? The thought made you almost giddy. Despite his usual taciturn and sarcastic demeanor, you knew he was genuine in his own way.

"Bet you missed me," you teased, grinning.

He raised an eyebrow. "Oh? Are you sure it's not the other way around?"

"Nope. But I did miss getting new snowmen."

"...why do you like them so much? I've made plenty for you already."

"No particular reason. Snowman just kinda reminds me of you somehow."

The tension between you had melted away, and you felt a sense of relief. Beside you, even Zayne couldn’t hide his smile. For the rest of the drive home, you chatted like you used to.

When you arrived back at your shared home, he suddenly stopped and presented you with a little box. "I got you something."

"Huh?" you paused, bewildered, as he took your hand and placed the box in it.

"Open it."

With curiosity, you lifted the lid, and were surprised at the sight of a pretty bow clip inside. "Whoa, how cute..."

Zayne eyed you expectantly. "Do you like it?"

Your eyes lit up with delight, and a smile spread across your lips.

"Yes!" you beamed at him with zero hesitation, and in that moment, something struck a chord within him. Zayne had always thought you were easy on the eyes—

—but when you smiled like that, you were truly charming.

"It's healing nicely."

You felt somewhat self-conscious as your husband examined your bare abdomen, where your injury was, as you lied on your bed. His hands, cool and practiced, tenderly removed your stitches.

It wasn't as if Zayne had never touched you. You two had been married for almost two years, and of course you had been intimate several times, but it wasn't as if you were a passionate couple to begin with—so you often found yourself flustered.

"Mm." Despite yourself, you squirmed. Noticing this, he looked up at you, his unfazed eyes meeting yours with a frown.

"Does it still hurt?"

"No, not really... It just feels as if you're tickling me."

He was positively unamused. "I'm not trying to tickle you."

"I know!"

Zayne wrapped your midsection securely with the bandage. When he was done, he let out a sigh and you felt like you had to show him your gratitude somehow.

“Thank you, Zayne…” you mumbled, avoiding eye contact. But in the next second, your heart skipped a beat as his hand rested gently on your head.

"You can thank me by being more careful next time." Your husband looked at you with the smallest of smile. "Your safety comes first, always remember that."

Without either of you realizing it, you both had tried to bury that argument from two weeks ago, yet it was still gnawing at you all the same. The thought that he too was bothered with it made you warm.

"Noted," you cheekily grinned. "If I'm not safe and sound, a certain iceman will get angry at me."

Zayne shot you an unimpressed look. “If you come to me injured again, I’ll start charging you fees.”

You let out a dramatic gasp. "How stingy! I'm your wife, not just some stranger!"

"A very uncooperative wife, you are."

You huffed, and he chuckled. You really thought all was well between you two now, until Zayne suddenly stood up and grabbed the car keys. “Well then, rest. I have to go.”

“Where are you going?”

“I’m going to stop by the florist—”

And it hit you. In two days. The day everything ended three years ago.

Zayne seemed to realize it too, but you quickly masked your falling smile with a faux one. "O-oh, right..."

No matter how, it's still going to be an important day to him. You had nothing against it, really. Your husband's late girlfriend had once been your colleague too, and you mourned her just like everyone else did.

Still, even with that understanding, in your heart of hearts, it remains just as bitter.

You didn't want to, but you needed to find closure. You hoped that by doing this, it would finally put an end to all your insecurities.

"Let's go together, Zayne. I want to pay her a visit too."

Two days later, you and Zayne, a bouquet of flowers in hand, stood before the grave bearing many colorful flowers and postcards.

You supposed you knew already, but seeing it firsthand, you realized just how deeply she was loved still. The outpouring of respect from the Hunter Association was evident in the tribute left behind.

"It's been a while," Zayne, dressed in his most formal black suit, said solemnly, his gaze fixed on the name etched into the pristine stone.

You watched as he knelt to place his flowers and then brought his hands together in prayer. You followed his lead, placing your own bouquet beside his.

What should you even say to her? Your mind raced with countless thoughts, but none felt right to voice before the woman who had so deeply captured your husband's heart.

In the end, when you sensed that Zayne had finished with his prayer, you decided to remain silent and rose with him.

. . .

“Does it get easier?” you asked out of curiosity afterwards. “Three years has passed already.”

Although Zayne wasn’t one for drinking, even the need won today. He didn’t meet your eyes as he sipped his wine, humming thoughtfully. “Somewhat. As they say, time heals.”

You two stopped by a fine restaurant after visiting the grave. The cemetery had been a two-hour drive from Linkon City, and now it was already evening.

“She loved jasmines,” you remarked, recalling the pot of them you once saw on her desk and the flowers overflowing at the grave earlier.

“She did.” The alcohol seemed to loosen his tongue as he continued, “She loved old popsicles and macarons too.”

“And you like them as well.”

“To be honest, I started liking them back when we were kids…” Zayne had this pained, faraway look in his eyes as he had another sip. “She cried over her melted popsicle and it got me to wonder if it was really that tasty...”

The idea that you had to compete with a dead woman for your husband’s affection left a bitter taste in your mouth. You felt like you had failed thoroughly as a woman.

Despite hating yourself for asking, you needed to know. “Do I help you… in any way at all?”

Zayne was clearly taken aback by the question. His sharp, gray eyes locked onto you, mind whirred as he tried to grasp your meaning.

“Y/N, you...”

It was foolish, you knew. But you waited with bated breath for his response, even when one wrong word could shatter your heart beyond repair. You were ready for any sort of unfavorable answer, but then—

“I... am glad it is you.”

His words made you look up, and you found yourself caught in his gaze. Zayne’s ashen eyes were steady, piercing into you.

“You were there on the hardest days. And ever since, you’ve always stayed by my side.” He held your gaze firmly, voice was thick with emotion you couldn’t quite name. “I’m grateful for that.”

And then, with a sincerity that pierced through every uncertainty, he added, “What I want to say is... I’m glad I married you, Y/N.”

You have loved him for so long. Since the days when you know he isn’t yours to love, until now.

Your heart swelled with so much warmth that tears brimmed in your eyes. His acknowledgment of your presence filled you with a profound sense of belonging you never knew you needed before.

Was it the alcohol?

You suspected it might be, because in nearly two years of marriage, Zayne had never lost his control like this. As soon as the bedroom door was shut, he pushed you against the wall and devoured your lips hungrily.

“Mmph!” His hands gripped your arms while his lips and tongue pried yours open. The kiss was searing, almost forceful, with the faint bitterness of wine still lingering.

“Zay…ne…” you gasped between his kisses—teary, breathless, your voice trembling.

But your breathy grunts only seemed to spur him on. His dark eyes, clouded with lust, fixed on you as his hands slipped beneath your blouse, deftly unclasping your bra with a flick.

He is hot. Your husband was everything a woman desired in a man. Cool, handsome, blessed with hands that could do wonders—

In no time, he had you naked and wet before him, and with alarming speed, he too discarded his own suit and pants, throwing them away in flurry. And you could hardly believe what you were seeing next.

He spitted on his hand, ran it along his member—stroking himself with a practiced ease, never breaking eye contact with you. The next thing you knew, he yanked you into another burning kiss and made you topple on top of him—

“Ah!” his hands guided your hips with precision, positioning you and entering you. The instant he did, you whimpered at the sudden, sharp sting of pain.

“Does it hurt?” he asked almost in a growl when you clung to his shoulder with uneven breaths.

It was too sudden, and you hoped the discomfort would pass, so you timidly shook your head.

“If you don’t want this, tell me to stop.” Zayne tangled his fingers in your hair, turning your face to his. “Understand?”

There was always a distinct, almost commanding aura about him whenever the two of you were in your marital bed. Perhaps the way his voice sound lower, but it just hit different.

And you are a willing prey... whenever he becomes that beast.

He inched inside you slowly, making you moan with each instance. He was thick, warm, and taking him in was a challenge in itself. And when he finally sheathed himself fully, your nails had made its first scratch on his skin.

You felt full, and the way your womanhood stretched and clenched around him with each breathe you took made you dizzy. Panting, you finally met his gaze. Zayne’s silver eyes were still clouded with desire as he placed his hands firmly on your hips. Unable to resist, you reached out to caress his face.

"Hmm..." he subconsciously leaned into your touch, pressing his eyes shut together. "You smell nice," he huskily muttered.

Right this moment, all negative thoughts eluded you. It felt gratifying that your husband sought your touch like this as you towered over him.

And yet, despite that...

“Do you... finally see me now?” you asked, trailing your other hand down his toned chest and starting to grind against him. Zayne drew in a sharp breath and groaned, his fingers gripping your bum tighter.

Depending on his response, you would either find peace or face another heartbreak. You had placed your happiness on this pedestal more times than you could count, and it was a cross you had to bear.

But you never received your answer.

Your husband merely gazed up at you with a dangerous gleam. And oh, you could've sworn, this sight of Zayne eyeing you as if he were about to ruin you right then and there, would live-free in your mind for many days to come.

He then buried his face in your bosom, sucking on you with such fervor that your hands instinctively reached for his head to massage his scalp. The room was soon filled with your erotic groans and the squelching sounds from where your flesh were joined together— as he thrusted inside you over and over.

Right in this moment, you felt truly desired and wanted.

You are so happy. Incomparably so.

At the crack of dawn, Zayne woke with a start.

The first thing he noticed was how spent he felt, his limbs stiff and a throbbing headache pulsing at the back of his head.

Then he turned to his side, and the sight that met him twisted his gut in such a way that snapped him fully awake—

You were beside him, barely dressed and still deeply asleep. Your hair was a mess, and love bites were scattered across your skin, some on your chest looking almost like bruises.

It dawned on him that he, too, wasn’t decent. A sudden coldness gripped him, though it wasn’t just the morning air.

Him and you... last night...

Yesterday marked the third year. He meant everything he said to you, but the fact that he did this, with you, on the day of her death...

There was... nothing wrong with what he had done. You were his wife, no one could condone him for what he instigated. Yet, it still made him shiver.

And to make it worse, his thoughts from last night echoed back with vengeance, and—

He suddenly feels so immensely guilty.

. . .

It was the best sleep you’d had all week.

When you woke, sunlight had seeped through the window, and you discovered yourself already in pajamas, tucked snugly under a blanket. Still groggy with a dull ache in your lower belly, you relished the lingering afterglow, sighing in pure contentment, until you noticed Zayne wasn’t beside you.

Where did he go? You wondered amidst your haze. Sluggish, you stumbled out of the bed, flinching when your foot met the cold floor.

You eventually found him downstairs, sipping coffee at the dining table still with messy hair. "Zayne?"

He glanced up at you and nodded. There was something different about him, a subtle shift you couldn’t quite place. As you took a seat across from him, you hesitated, unsure of what to say.

Before you could find the right words though, he spoke first.

"I'm... sorry," he said, his tone laced with regret, causing a sharp pang of unease inside you.

"What?" you stared at him, feeling small and unsettled. "What are you sorry for?" you questioned as you gripped the hem of your shirt.

And then came the killing blow—

"Last night," Zayne muttered, avoiding your gaze. "I wasn’t in the right frame of mind. It was a mistake."

Mistake. The word echoed in your mind, but it was still hard to grasp its full weight.

"How was that—" you faltered, trembling, as the realization hit you like a truck and you gasped in disbelief. "Oh..."

Her. Again, and again, and again! Even when he was married to you, even when you were the one next to him each and everyday— even so!

Your husband considers that a night spent with you—his wife—a mistake!

The last of your patience snapped, as you broke down in sobs before him. "You're the worst!" you screamed at him amidst your mournful tears.

Zayne seemed taken aback at your outburst, his eyes wide. "Y/N, wait, you don't—"

"Screw you!" But you were beyond explanations at this point. You fled back to your bedroom. Zayne followed you suit, but you slammed the door in his face and locked it. As you collapsed onto the floor, the realization hit you with full force.

No matter what you did, you would always come second—or not at all.

The fracture in your marriage was undeniable.

Things had changed. Your home felt colder, and the tension was so stifling that you sometimes spent the night at the Hunter Association’s dorm just to escape it.

Zayne initially tried to reach out, but you were unwilling to listen, and eventually, he gave up. Before long, nearly a month had passed with this strain in the air.

You threw yourself into more rescue operations, using work as a distraction from the turmoil that lingered in your mind. Despite your best efforts to distract yourself, the unresolved thoughts and feelings clung to you.

"Xavier, am I lacking as a woman?"

Your frequent partner these days cracked open an eye despite his attempt to nap before today’s rescue mission. "What...?"

"No, forget it."

Things couldn't go like this forever. It was obvious by now—as long as he couldn’t let go of his past and you couldn’t accept him as he was, this marriage couldn't be saved.

Just as you headed towards the printer in the room, Xavier responded. "You talk a lot, eat a lot, and always bothering me when I'm about to sleep..."

You shot him an irked glance, disbelief evident on your face. "Hey!"

"But—" his clear voice cut through the air as he turned to you with half-lidded eyes. "You're exceptionally kind. If anyone can't appreciate that, then it's their loss."

At that moment, the ice inside your chest melted. To know that your own co-worker thought that kindly of you gave you a little boost of confidence.

But then Xavier added, "Sometimes you're stupid too. It's funny to watch."

"—?! You're so mean!"

A subtle smile curved on his lips as he turned to his side, ready to resume his nap. "Anyway, what are you printing?"

You feigned a huff as you gathered the papers and brought them to your desk. "Just something I need to submit when necessary."

A part of you wasn’t fully committed to it, of course—it was just that your emotions had no proper outlet even until now. As you pushed the drawer shut, a wave of bitterness washed over you as you reread the title on the blank form:

Petition for Divorce.

Zayne genuinely wanted to treat you well.

You were a nice girl. Too nice even. From the moment he laid his eyes on you some years ago, as a friend of a friend, he knew you were nothing but kind and cheery.

He still remembered that morning vividly: the hurt on your face, the tears welling up in your eyes, and then you breaking into inconsolable sobs. That sight inflicted something in him—it felt as though his own heart had been split in two.

Believe it or not, he cherished you too.

That night, even though he didn’t show it, he was still mourning her. When alcohol took over his mind and he saw you, you seemed like a perfect escape. He thought that even if he forced himself on you, there would be no consequences.

He hated that he had thought that way. He hated that how, in the end, you had become a means of relief for him.

Now you couldn't even look him in the eye, and Zayne didn't want to risk trying to coax you further. You were angry with him and rightly so, but when you ignored him and went home late more often, he was worried.

It was what drove him to volunteer for the rescue mission. When he saw your name on the hunter list, he felt compelled to make sure you were okay.

. . .

It was strange to see you on duty.

With your hunter uniform and your hair tied up, you were the picture of a very capable hunter. Zayne found himself unexpectedly following your movements as you came and went.

"Dr. Zayne, are you checking your wife out?" the EMT next to him teased with a grin. "Well, when you have a pretty wife such as Y/N, of course..."

He cleared his throat and the EMT giggled as he sauntered away.

So, you were also considered attractive here. Of course you were. Zayne knew it, but he just didn't expect that anyone here would blurt it out so openly.

But that wasn't the most surprising of all—

"Xavier, shush!" you playfully punched the blonde man next to you in the chest, your broad smile lighting up the moment. The two of you whispered closely, and Zayne found himself feeling uncomfortable, like being prickled by several needles.

He has never made you laugh so openly like that. The nagging feeling inside him grew stronger as he watched you—even if it was just in a platonic sense—with another man. It stirred something within him, making him want to pull that blonde aside, give him a word or two, and overthrow him altogether.

Amidst the growing storm inside him, you suddenly turned sideways and caught his eye, and Zayne could've sworn... he felt time stopped at that moment.

It was so candid that it took his breath away. The way your earnest, unclouded eyes met his. How natural you were while loading your gun...

Ah, they were right. His wife was exceptionally pretty.

But before he could fully appreciate it, you broke the eye contact and turned away, pretending as if you hadn’t seen him at all.

Zayne wondered then, why did he feel so hurt all of a sudden?

Battlefields were always a place of chaos, and Zayne was no stranger to it.

He was on standby at the makeshift hospital as patients surged in, continuously aiding first-aid. Some were hunters on duty, and his heart was in his throat the entire time, anxiously hoping you wouldn’t be among them.

"Doc... it still hurts," a little girl sniffled right after Zayne wrapped her injured arm with the gauze. Despite the anxiety, seeing this tearful girl softened his frown.

"It's just going to take a while, hmm?" he patted the kid in the head. "It's going to be better soon enough."

"My mom is still inside..." she said, her eyes welling up with tears. "Doc, will they get her out?"

Zayne hesitated, his thoughts briefly drifting to you. He managed a reassuring smile. "Don’t worry, they’ll—"

Crash! —all of a sudden, a loud explosion shook the hospital, the sound echoing through the chaos. The little girl clung to his coat in fear.

"Call for retreat!" someone suddenly shouted from outside. "Alert all personnel immediately!"

Retreat. The thought that you might be safe soon brought him a sense of relief. He turned to the girl, trying to keep his composure.

"Look, the hunters are retreating, it means most are already evacuated." Zayne managed a reassuring smile. "Stay here. I'll help you find her later, okay?"

He went to the survivors' camp outside, attending to the wounded and keeping a vigilant eye on each returning hunter. Even until 30 minutes later, he still hadn't seen you. Thinking to contact you, he reached out for his phone.

"Who hasn't gotten out?" Jenna, your team leader, demanded the receiver with a stern voice, standing tall several feet away from the camp, and Zayne overheard the snippets of her conversation.

A frantic voice responded, "Xavier is still inside! Y/N too!"

"Those two! They are always—!"

What?

Zayne almost dropped his phone when he heard your name. Terror gripped him instantly, and then suddenly, again, it was his greatest nightmare realized.

You are still inside. You could be hurt. It was possible you had no means to get out of there.

He didn’t register letting go of his coat or crossing the police line—all that mattered was getting to you. He sprinted away, ignoring the shouts of those trying to stop him.

No. Not again!

Debris flew everywhere, and the roars of Wanderers grew louder as he neared the building wreckage. As a splinter was about to hit him, ice shot through his palms, creating a barrier that shattered it.

"Y/N!" he shouted your name, his voice cracking with panic. "Where are you?!"

All he could think about was the memory of you bleeding out in the ER. Zayne never wanted to see that again. Should anything happen to you now...

He didn't want you to be hurt. He hated seeing you cry. For the past weeks, it had torn him apart to see you so unhappy. He wanted to be the one who made you smile, the one you looked at with love.

The realization washed over him like a tidal wave. Yet it wasn’t an epiphany but a simple truth he had always known but never fully grasped until now.

If he lost you now, it'd destroy him.

He continued screaming your name over and over. And then, after turning several turns, he finally saw you, standing alone in the middle of the wreckage—

You turned to him in surprise when you heard your name in his shout, and were rooted to the spot, in disbelief that your husband was right before you.

Zayne felt a wave of relief wash over him, until a hollow croak from above caught his attention. He squinted—

A glass panel had crumbled and was falling directly towards you.

A sense of dread so great overwhelmed him, a lump formed in his throat, and the smoke made it hard to breathe. He sprinted forward, and with everything he had, he pushed you out the way.

The next thing he knew, everything went pitch black.

"Zayne? Zayne!"

A memory flashed in his mind's eye. The one memory he wished he didn't have to relive ever again.

Sitting on the deserted hospital bench, his eyes were vacant. Utter hollowness choked him, leaving him motionless. It was over. There was no blood on his hands, yet it felt as if there were.

Your grip on his shoulder was tight, shaking him. "Zayne, snap out of it!" and only then he brought himself to meet your eyes.

"She died." That was the only thing he could mutter, pain woven in each word. "She really died."

Your eyes widened in horror, an inaudible gasp left your lips. "Oh..."

He didn't really know what happened next, but he remembered the warmth from when you pulled him to your arms, when sobs wracked his body as he thought the world was ending.

Since then, you have always been there.

And subconsciously, he may have regarded you as his lifeline.

. . .

Another memory.

"Are you awake...?"

His mind was hazy, but he recognized your voice. He blearily opened his eyes to find you placing a cool compress on his forehead.

"Who would have thought the great Dr. Zayne can get a fever?" you said with a soft laugh, patting his hair. "Don’t worry about me. Go back to sleep."

You came to see him. He remembered telling you not to. But you still did, and the fact thawed the ice in his heart.

Just as you were about to leave, his hand reached out and pulled you closer. "Don’t go."

"Are you trying to make me catch your cold too?" you teased with a soft laugh.

"Hmph. Who told you to come here...?"

"Ah, so you're whiny when you're not feeling well," you observed with a smile. "Okay, I'll stay! But only if you agree to nurse me if I catch your cold!"

You were noisy, but endearingly so.

. . .

"Don't pay her any mind," you fidgeted on your seat, a frown on your face. "My mom always does that."

There was never any talk about the nature your relationship between the two of you, but it was clear to everyone nevertheless. You were always around him, and he seemed to enjoy your company just as much.

And not for the first time, your mother pushed him towards marriage with you.

"People are always getting the wrong idea," you grumbled. "Sorry, Zayne..." you lowered your head, seemingly in regret.

He was puzzled, because to him, it wasn't necessarily false. All things you did together lead to this.

"What if it isn't a wrong idea at all?"

You looked at him with slight surprise. "Huh...?"

Your presence was a gift. That tragedy was devastating, but having you constantly by his side made it bearable. He was fond of you, and the thought that if it's you, then surely...

In this memory, he was more sure than ever. What he said then, it came from the truest place in his heart.

"What if I told you... as of right now, I can't imagine being with anyone but you?"

The side of his head was throbbing with pain. Everything hurt, the hard asphalt was bruising his face as the headache set in. He could smell the scent of blood and sweat, but more than that—

"Zayne! Ah, hah— Please, please! No!"

Your voice, choked with tears, blared in his ears as you desperately shook him. You sounded so heartbroken, so utterly panicked, and your voice gradually pulled him back to consciousness.

Opening his eyes took tremendous effort. At first, everything was a blur, but then it came into focus—the sight of you disheveled, smeared with soot, with tears streaming down your face. But still you— the woman he had married two years ago.

Yet his heart lurched. You're crying again... why is it that whenever with me, you're always crying?

"Are you... alright?" he rasped, lifting his hand to touch your face.

"Why did you—" You were startled by his question, your gaze fixed on the blood pooling on the side of his face. "Your head is bleeding!"

Ah, so you're fine. The sheer knowledge brought him relief, a faint smile forming at his lips. "I'm glad..."

"I'll help you get back! Hold onto me—" you said after brushing away your tears, lifting him up and draping his arm around your shoulder. "Can you walk?"

"I'm... fine..."

"You're not!" you refuted harshly, voice trembling. "You have to go back!"

You made him lean on you as you made your way back to the makeshift hospital, each step accompanied by your sniffles as you supported his waist.

Zayne glanced at you, feeling a warmth in his chest despite the migraine. "D-Don't cry... I'll be fine."

"You're an idiot!" you choked out, struggling to hold back your tears. "Why did you even come out here?"

"I... have to find you. They said you haven't returned."

"There are still civilians inside! I'll return eventually!"

"I can’t wait for that. I... have to know you're safe."

His response only fueled your frustration. "You don't have to—!"

"You are my wife—" he snapped, turning to you sharply, his eyes flashing with anger. "How can I not worry— for you?"

The forceful tone in his voice went straight to the most tender part of your heart. It really struck you at that moment that he had come out here for you, that his concern for you was that profound.

And that after all these weeks, he still keeps you in his thoughts.

He had pushed you out of the way, even at the cost of himself, barely missing the fallen billboard in that violent crash. If he was in the wrong position, he could've lost his life.

You stared at him, tears glossing your eyes.

"That's enough... Don't cry again." Zayne reached out to wipe your cheeks. His hands, however, were smeared with his own blood, leaving streaks on your face. "Ah... I got blood on you..."

But in that moment, you couldn’t care less. There was this indescribable sting of grief, but also paired with a sense of relief so great in your chest the very second you realize that now, he sees you.

You threw yourself into his arms, hugging him tightly as you sobbed, calling out to him in broken voice. “Z-Zayne...!”

“Why are you crying again...?” he let out a resigned sigh, but still embraced you regardless. “What a crybaby...”

You buried your face deeper into him, shaking uncontrollably. “You... saved me...” you managed to say amidst torrent of tears. “Y-You... got hurt...”

“I’ll be fine,” he retorted in your ear albeit in a hoarse voice, holding you close, even as blood trickled down the side of his face. “And I’d do it again. I refuse to see you hurt.”

You cried harder, and he pulled you tighter, his chest aching at the sight of you so inconsolable. And in that moment, he made the decision right then and there.

He will protect you so long as time will allow him to.

It was as if the invisible wall between you had crumbled to dust after that incident. You stayed by Zayne's side night and day, monitoring his condition.

And one night, several days later...

"Here, don't move..."

You carefully dressed the wound on Zayne's temple, sitting close beside him. He quietly observed your worried eyes and trembling fingers without a word.

"You even need stitches..." you lamented, biting your lip as you wrapped the bandage around his head. Tears pricked your eyes, overwhelmed by the concern you were pouring into the task.

"I'm telling you, I'm fine," he gruffly insisted in an attempt to erase the sadness from your face. He felt the delicate, almost hesitant touch of your fingers on his face. "It'll heal with time."

Even as he said that, a part of you was still troubled at the sight of the wound on his head and cheekbone. No matter what he said, you couldn’t shake the feeling that it was somehow your fault.

"I'm done. Now go rest," you said softly, your voice tinged with bitterness after tying the gauze. You rose to put the kit away, but even after you finished, Zayne remained upright on the bed, so you leveled a frown at him.

"What, why aren't you— Ah!"

Before you knew it, he pulled you by the arm, and you tumbled into his chest in surprise. "What are you doing?!" you yelled at him, clinging to his shoulder and looking up at him with ire. "You could've hit your head!"

He looked down at you with a flat expression, or is that a hint of amusement glinting in his eyes? “Can't a husband cuddle his wife?”

You blinked dumbly, caught off-guard. “Yes, you can, but...”

His arms then enveloped you, fitting you on his chest and he sighed against your hair. “Then there’s nothing wrong with it. Let’s just stay like this for now.”

And so, that was how he decided to sleep throughout the night—with you on top of him, held close. You felt self-conscious as Zayne had never initiated this closeness with you since that night.

"Are you sure you want to sleep this way?" you wriggled a bit in his grasp.

He draped an arm around your waist, pressing his eyes shut. "Mm-hm."

"You..." A part of you recoiled at the vulnerability but decided to ask anyway. "Won't this be… a mistake...?"

That caught his attention, as Zayne's eyes fluttered open. He looked down at you, who avoided his gaze with a pout and a torn expression, making yourself small in his embrace.

It dawned on him then that this persisting issue in your marriage was thoroughly his fault. His past was something he could never—and would never—trade for anything, but right now, you were that sense of peace that grounded him.

At one point, he has to let it go. These feelings inside him… they drive him to.

He softened, his gaze full of understanding as he gently brushed your hair back. "No," he said quietly, his voice tender. "We’ve come too far for it to be one."

Your clear, innocent eyes reluctantly met his, and at that moment something akin to clarity resonated within him.

He once thought nothing could ever mend the hollowness in his heart. And once, he indeed hoped that being with you would provide some form of relief or replace what he had lost.

But right now, feeling how vulnerable you were in his arms like this, he understood that you were not, and could never be, a replacement for anything else. Even before he realized it himself, what he felt for you was something entirely different— something dear that had grown and evolved into a genuine affection different from what he had felt for anyone else before.

Those times spent with you, wanting to protect you... Now that he reflected on it, it was never about filling a void, after all.

“I... want to treasure you better.”

Oh. Your heart thumped loudly as those words left his lips, warmth spreading through your entire being. Overwhelmed by the sincerity in his voice, you clung to his chest, feeling a surge of love and a profound sense of being freed from the chains of insecurity that had taken you hostage all these years.

Most precious. Zayne smiled at you, pressing a kiss to the crown of your head.

“This time for sure... I will.”

And at last... he could say it without any lingering guilt.

[skynapple]

Rafayel Into The Canvas: Analysis **Spoilers**

Long analysis ahead!! I've tried to break it into chronological chunks!

TL;DR - Sky rambles about Rafayel for a very long time.

I never know when he like, plans his coincidental showing-up-where-she-is things because... they really could be coincidental but I think maybe we're meant to think they're not. But the disappointment here is my weakness. Quality time is one of my love languages so like, the showing up for her and then actually being discontent with not having her time is what's really endearing to me. There's a lot of moments I really enjoy how obvious Rafayel makes it that he wants nothing more than to be around her and share the same space as her.

Then, he knows, right? He knew what she was going to say, he asked anyway, just in case, and just to acknowledge that and make it known to her.

Then ok omg 🥺 his voice.

He gets quiet, and soft, and like he's clearly trying to reassure her, in spite of what he's feeling. Just... the way he knows how she is. He knows how she gets. I could CRY.

Honestly MC really does want to, also. Like you can tell she doesn't want to let him down. That moment of not wanting to say she can't but not knowing if she can agree is sooo real. And then he captures that sentiment immediately, and in so many short words tells her like, 'Hey, I get it. I'll be here for you.' and all without saying that outright but. I used to hate how much he doesn't seem to communicate with her -and yeah he has his secrets- but the more I play this game the more I kinda realize he's the one who's allegedly 'had' her the longest over all the lifetimes so far,* so more than anyone he really speaks her language well.

*Sidenote: Cause current!Zayne doesn't know about any of his other lives with her, and Xavier although he's also spent multiple lifetimes with her... admittedly a lot of their 'long' lives weren't spent together in earnest, in their past lives there has always been a bit of a wall between them. Sylus I'd say comes maybe closest to seemingly not having their barrier but we don't know enough of his lore yet (although from what I've played through it does seem like he also speaks MC very well).

MOVING ALONG.

~5 Days Later~

I WHEEZEDDD

Leave it to Rafayel to bribe a child into making sure she finds him again. Honestly, there's some hidden messages here.

MC acknowledged she's nearly forgotten already that Rafayel said to call her. I'm sure he anticipated that (sadly 😭). And also, maybe that she'd be... directionally challenged in a brand new town? And if he's busy with the painting lessons, he probably wouldn't have been able to get on the phone and try to guide her that way himself or, maybe knew GPS wouldn't have good reception? Anyway he's SO thoughtful.

We're seeing here also Rafayel's unexpectedly very good with kids. But... maybe he's really keen on giving kids the treatment he never got as a child? Kids want to be acknowledged and taken seriously, and be dealt with patiently, and want space to let their creativity soar. Who knows how much of that he got in his childhood.

I love his "teacher" mode and it's exactly his fault for saying "paint wherever you like." Please I would have ABSOLUTELY done the same.

And he does it right back to her but like, also I couldn't help but think of God of the Tides? As a couple, did they also spend time painting their markings on each other? I wonder if it was attendants who did it for them. Was it everyday or was it some kind of water tattoo? I digress. I still think it might've sparked some memories for him.

And she proceeds to stare at him like half the time, really in awe. Same.

It's just a very, very sweet moment. There's something really special about watching someone you love do something they're really passionate about.

This is immediately becoming my favorite Rafayel card (I want to say not because I'm an artist but I'd be lying). Just the admiration they both clearly have for each other. Also, she really gets it, I think now more than ever, just how much she means to him, and also, how much he means to her. These tender moments are just as special and intimate as any physical ones, and sometimes even more so.

It's sooooo soft.

His little blush when he realized he was being stared at took me out alskdhslkg sir please have you looked in a mirror? He's so pretty when he's focused.

What got me also is him saying he'd just wait for her. Of course he kind of "teases" that she promised she'd meet up with him when she clearly didn't, but knew they'd meet up eventually if he waited long enough. This is a constant theme with these two.

Her not necessarily being willing or able to make promises to him, and him just waiting for her to fulfill these unspoken promises anyway. Either because of his love and determination, he knows or is just hopeless enough to think fate be damned, it'll happen anyway.

There's an interesting translation difference. The English "translation" that's captioned says this:

But it was either the voice actors or voice directors choice to change the spoken dialogue. What's actually spoken is this:

And I like the decision because it takes the "no big deal" out of it, which I think gets to the heart of the message and the character more.

As a voice director one of the most difficult things working with translation teams is trying to capture the essence of the story. It's not always about translating word for word, it's - ok, what's going to get this very specific point across to the audience?

Maybe it's not a big deal to Rafayel, or maybe he would say that –because he has waited so long to be physically in her presence the past few centuries already– but it's more impactful that the point is just:

No matter how long he has to wait, he will always wait a bit longer for her, because she means that much to him.

Then of course there's more playful banter, and allusion to a few things. Using the kids as a slight analogy. She did miss Rafayel.

I think it's sweet too how much she honestly does think of him in earnest, she's just not the best at explaining or expressing this. Again, her saving grace is he does speak her language and understands her.

Sometimes I think a lot about why MC is ... like that, and you know I always have to remember like... she was probably always trying to be tough as a kid? Who knows how often "grandma" was actually home, and having a "brother" kinda makes you tougher as a person. She grew up constantly not wanting people to worry about her, and it's really clear in all her routes and stories she has always struggled to express exactly what she means... mostly also because this is her "first" relationship of this nature. And there's always a huge learning curve in navigating communication like this in your first serious relationship. But... she's trying. And she's relying less on him picking up what she's putting down.

I know MC is meant to be "you" in the story but as for me, I like to imagine she probably had a sheepish grin on her face when she mentioned they lantern she made, it probably made it even easier for him to clock what she was thinking about. And even if he already planned on "gifting" it to himself, I feel his bright wide grin is probably just him realizing, 'Really? She would have gifted it to me anyway?' Because as much as you think you know someone, sometimes they find ways to surprise you anyways. You can literally hear in his voice how like,,, excited he gets.

And she's not even really embarrassed, it's heartwarming, and she laughs at her painting skills.

We get more MC continuity here!

I can't fault her for not saying like "I hope I get to spend more time with Rafayel" cause lollll as much as we wish, like, I dunno!! In that moment wouldn't you also be thinking of something like your family or your overall future?

For MC though, this is just one of her strings of continuity. She is very work and 'world peace' focused. It's in all of her routes with every LI. It's not that she doesn't love her S/O, this is just how and who she is. It's not like Rafayel isn't included in that ''healthy, happy life" she mentions.

I see it occasionally in discourse (occasionally from newer players where less lore is accessible) people immediately fault MC for not putting the boys first so... verbally, the way they do. But to me, she doesn't need to. To me, this is her way of doing so. She wants to work hard so everyone can live more peacefully, him and her included, and I think that's sweet. And I think Rafayel gets it.... even though you can tell there's a smidge in him that wishes too that she'd just outright say she wants more of his time too 😆 but, again, I think he gets it.

And then of course there's his wish, too. There's so much to unpack here. And it goes beyond him "getting it" he's... so immediately supportive. He wants to be with her every step of the way along her dreams.

You just know he's going to find ways to continue running into her. But less superficially, again, this is him saying he covets just being in the same space with her.

And then of course the ever-so-subtle lore mentions. Even if he can't be with her necessarily, he's always going to wait for her to come to him (even if she can't or won't because she doesn't remember-- but he knows she will, when she does remember).

All in all there's just this huge boost in trust between them and enjoyment of the mundane intimacy between them. He's not whiny, or pushy, he's patient, and she isn't standoffish, or embarrassed, she genuinely wants to just sit in that peace and space with him. They've grown a lot and it's very, very sweet to see.

[starsfic]

Inspired by those Bai He and Azure ideas floating around, but Azure having to pick up Bai He from school since everyone else is in the scroll?

Mrs. Li had seen a lot of things, especially related to the Zhu-Tang family.

Most of those were honestly good things. Qi Xiaotian had been a great student, even if he got a little distracted by things sometimes. When the couple presented Bai He, a young girl that they had adopted in the wake of the Lady Bone Demon's attack, Li was delighted to meet her. The young girl was just as great as her newly adopted brother. The list of who could pick her up was even bigger, including the largest river demon Li had seen in this city and his cat. That didn't include the fact that Xiaotian was now their city's hero.

This tall lion was just the latest.

"Apologies, Xiaotian would've called ahead, but some things came up." The lion pushed forward a folded-up note. "He didn't want his sister to be forgotten about, so he asked that I pick her up."

Li picked up the note and unfolded it. Yep, she recognized that scrawl. Something about a scroll eating his parents and the other members on the contact list, this was Azure Lion, he was so sorry about not calling ahead, and on and on until he finally gave permission for this Azure Lion to pick up Bai He. It was exactly the kind of thing she could imagine him doing. She glanced up at the lion, taking him in.

He was incredibly good-looking, even with the old-fashioned clothes. If Li was single, she would've tried to flirt, just a little bit. He also seemed a little nervous, looking around, even with his easy air of confidence. She was tempted to ask more questions, but she trusted Xiaotian.

"Alright." She pulled up the phone and tapped in Bai He's class number. "We were getting worried when nobody showed to pick her up."

"Is she always picked up?"

"Well, considering that she's recovering from a nasty case of possession, yes." That might've been too much information, but his eyes were warm.

Soon enough, Bai He arrived. She only looked briefly surprised until Azure passed her a note. She unfolded it and looked it over, raising a brow. "Are they okay?"

"They should be. I have a lot of faith in Qi Xiaotian and Long Xiaojiao."

Her smile lit up her face, just like Xiaotian's sunshine grin. "You should." She held out her hand. "Come on, I'm tired."

Azure took her hand. "As you wish, my dear."

[becauseimanicequeen]

My Pride Month Watch List

In celebration of Pride Month, I've decided to watch some (or a lot) of the stuff I've been meaning to watch and want to watch. My list will include current watches, what I want to rewatch, and things I want to watch for the first time.

Here are all the things I will watch this beautiful month of June (in alphabetical order because, yes, I'm that person):

Current Shows

These are shows I’m currently watching and the ones I know I am starting this month.

At 25:00, in Akasaka (Japan)

This is nearing its end. I've enjoyed it so far (despite the dead fish kisses). Not one of my favorites, but definitely enjoyable.

Blue Boys Part 2 (Korea)

Part 1 was so good in terms of the chemistry and overall vibe that I'm excited to see part 2 (which is set to be released sometime this month).

My Stand-In (Thailand)

One of my favorite current shows. A naive (but slowly growing) main character, a scum male lead (whom I absolutely love), beautiful cinematography, grief is present (and I love that shit because it's like therapy for me), angst, supernatural elements, etc. It also has Up Poompat and Poom Phuripan in the main roles. I just love it.

Knock Knock, Boys! (Thailand)

This show started this week with the first two episodes, and it exceeded my expectations. I went into this series wanting to watch it for Seng (who is an amazing actor) and Best (who has something I can't quite put my finger on that pulls me in every time I see him). So far, after only two episodes, I already love it for the chaos (and I’m sure more chaos will come). Also, it includes a loud and proud pansexual character! I love both him and the representation.

Love Sea (Thailand)

It's about a writer (which means I have to watch it) and about the sea (which I love). And not just the sea, but diving as well (I love that even more). I'm starting this as soon as it premiers on the 9th.

My Marvellous Dream is You (Thailand)

I haven’t started this yet because I wanted some episodes to be out before I dove in. But I really like the gifs I’ve seen so far and will definitely dive into this series this month.

OMG! Vampire (Thailand)

This is the 3rd(?) series I'm watching with Frank and Long but I'm having a hard time getting into it. It started with a bang with Frank and Big kissing (dead fish kisses are clearly banned here, and I love it!) and then a bite (which is one of my kinks, lol). But, then... I'm hoping it picks up again soon because it has the potential to entertain me.

Only Boo! (Thailand)

Definitely not my cup of tea. This is way too cute for me. But, since it's about artists, three boys who want to become dancers/performers/idols, I have to watch it. The acting is great, though. I'm really impressed with these kids.

The Rebound (Thailand)

It's Meen. That's it. That's the reason. It's set to start on the 26th.

Sunset X Vibes (Thailand)

I need more Mos and Bank on my screen. That's it. That's the reason I'm watching this. Honestly, I don't know that much about this series, and want to go in blind. I know they'll deliver on the chemistry, and that's more than I can ask for. I'll be watching this as soon as it premiers on the 15th.

The Two of Us (Thailand)

This is the Freya and Meji spinoff from Deep Night and I can't wait to watch these mature sapphic women being domestic. The first episode came out on Thursday, but I'm watching it today.

Wandee Goodday (Thailand)

Another one of my favorite current shows. This is everything I want in a light, funny, super horny show and I love it so much. Yak is one of my all-time favorite GMMTV characters, and I love how this show has paired two buff eye candies together in Inn and Great. (I can't remember if I've seen this dynamic since Max and Tul, but my memory is fucked so I might've forgotten the others...) I just love everything about this show and the chemistry between Yak and Dee. It also includes an ace character, whom I hope I get to see more of in coming episodes. And it includes a lot of neon lights (and I'm a slut for that).

We Are (Thailand)

I'm watching this for the artists that are in the series (and since I'm an artist, it's my duty, lol). I also love Tan and Fang as well as Q and Toey (which are currently the two couples that are keeping me hooked).

Rewatches

These are, just as the headline states, stuff I want to watch again.

I Told Sunset About You + I Promised You the Moon (Thailand)

I want to be blessed with this cinematography and the amazing chemistry between Billikin and PP Krit.

Secret Crush on You (Thailand)

I just love the friend group in this show so much that I want to rewatch it again. Also, it has neon lights (and I'm a slut for that). And Looknam. Do I need to say more? I think not!

Step by Step (Thailand)

This series isn't necessarily that great, but I want need more Up on my screen. Also, Man is such a huge man (and Scandi), and that's a big plus (that he's huge, I mean). And it's got Zorzo (my ideal woman) and Poppy (he's such a gem)! Despite its flaws, I'm really excited to rewatch this.

To Be Continued (Thailand)

I've been meaning to rewatch this since it ended because I loved it so much. So I'm telling myself to dive into it again this month.

Unintentional Love Story (Korea)

There was just something about the vibe of this series that I want to experience again. Also, it's about a potter (and, as you can probably tell from this post, I love watching shows with artists of all kinds).

New Watches

These aren't necessarily newly produced. They are shows/films I've been meaning to watch for quite some time without having gotten around to it. But now is my chance (and duty) to dive in.

A Shoulder to Cry On (Korea)

I've heard some mixed feelings about this, but that doesn't really deter me. And since Korean BLs are usually short, it doesn't matter that much if I end up not liking it.

The Blue Hour (Thailand)

This is a film with Gun ATP (one of my favorite Thai actors), which I've been putting off for far too long. I'm going into it without knowing very much, which is just how I like it.

His (Japan)

I've been meaning to watch this for months, especially after seeing Miyazawa Hio in Egoist at the end of last year.

Light on Me (Korea)

I've heard about this from various sources a lot lately, so I figured I would watch it this month. I don't know anything about it, but I've heard it's good.

Mama Gogo (Thailand)

I've been putting this off for far too long. It was created by Jojo. That's all I need to know, and all I need to dive into it this month.

The Warp Effect (Thailand)

I've been putting this off for far too long. It's about damn time to watch it. Also, it was created by Jojo.

I could put more on my list, but they say June only has 30 days. So, I'll start with this.

[readingwiththestars]

₊˚⊹♡ THE GRANDEST GAME

["Riddles are for people who enjoy playing,” .... “Do you consider yourself playful, Mr. Hawthorne?”]

| ✮ 4 stars |

THOUGHTS ° ᡣ𐭩 . ° . [!!!!SPOILERS AHEAD!!!!] this is very long guys sorry

ok so *cracks knuckles* lets talk about tgg

!!warning i'm finishing this like four days after i read tgg so i might've forgotten things because reading until 2am and remembering what i read is apparently a hard thing for me to do!!

first of all.... JLB, you and i need to have a chat because that ending was not okay. you literally just left us with no answers. seriously. what the hell????? and while i wanna kick my feet and scream because we got two kisses and then you had to go ahead and ruin it in the span of two or three pages and give us that shitty ending.

i would like to point out one question i had through out the book, which was why was grayson playing? what was the point of that???? like seriously was there an actual need for him to play or was it just jameson, avery, xander and nash fucking with him? whatever it was it didn't make sense and just felt like jlb was trying to shove lyra and grayson into forced proximity so they could interact.

speaking of thatttt i love graysonlyra and rohansav (more thoughts on sav later) the banter the looks the touches the everything i love it sm omg AND AVERYJAMESON!!!!!!! THE CRUMBS WE WERE GETTING MADE ME SO HAPPY OMG!!! I CAN DIE HAPPY!!

i will say i feel jlb really did pull out all the stops for this book the different levels of everyone's connection and knowledge of how to solve the riddles/puzzles (i was literally CLUELESS) like how does one make all that connect. the level of detail was insane connecting books and characters together just weaving some kind of intricate web of characters.

and at first i did feel like the game felt really short but i think that was just my 2am dumbass brain forgetting this is only the first part of the game lol. i did kinda hope there would be more like running around and trying to solve things on the actual island not stuck in a house though but who knows whats happening in the next book soooo

it did get very confusing there with calla (who is fucking INSANE BY THE WAY!!! SHE TORTURED KNOX??? WTF????) and the whole calla lily thing with lyra and odette was confusing af. so its like calla (the person) has a connection with knox and brady and then a calla lily has a connection with odette and lyra (also kinda gray cause he knows abt it i guess)

and and and and im a die hard gigislate shipper (and brady daniels hater) so im praying that we get an enemies to lovers with gigi and slater where he's forced to be mean/hate or wtv because of *gags* eve and then its like oop no im breaking you out of here idc what eve thinks because i only care abt you. ESPCIALLY because gigi was talking abt how no ones ever looked at her the way jameson looks at avery throughout the book (SOMEBODY HIRE ME FR)

OK THATS ENOUGH RAMBLING ITS TIME TO FOR THE CHARACTERS

CHARACTERS ° ᡣ𐭩 . ° .

lyra - ok i love her. she was such a good strong character it was so much fun to read about her interactions (with grayson 😏) she was actual so wife material but idk why i felt like i wasnt allll that into her character too much like i love her but didn't really feel connected with her?? idk she was a very good fmc to read about tho!! but i do wanna know about miles end and her whole connection with her dead dad (who btw is an ass who tf kills themself in front of a FOUR YEAR OLD???) and whoever's stalking here (honestly i had a whole ass thing thinking its ALL PROBABLY EVE LIKE SHE WOULDA DONE THAT MUCH RESEARCH OR SOMETHING or maybe eve was js there for gigi) but now i think it might've been something to do with alice. who knows honestly

gigi - this is my time to shineeeeee. if gigi has zero fans i am dead (and slater bc im delusional like that) i love gigi so much omg. she's my no 1 girl i love her. my girl just needs someone to love her fr she talks through out the book about how she wants to be looked at with so much love (she thought it was brady BUT NO EW) i loved reading from her perspective abt how she just wanted to prove that she was good enough to be in the game AND SHE IS!!! im still bitter about her getting kicked out of the game - AND IM NOT EVEN GONNA TOUCH ON THE WHOLE KIDNAPPING AT THE END (GIGISLATE ENEMIES TO LOVERS WHEN????)

rohan - marry me. thats it. honestly just marry me. u need to work on ur nicknames tho- it was super interesting to read about his way of think and the whole labyrinth thingy lol. there wasn't too much more about his backstory tho WHICH IM SO INVESTED IN FR. WHAT DO YOU MEAN HIS FIRST MEMORY IS DROWNING????

savannah - girboss fr. she could step on me and i'd say thank you. its really interesting to me how (obviously) she's been manipulated by eve and it'll be super interesting to see how jlb will play out her whole revenge plan. she's extremely driven which is admirable and a good characters (she's literally like a female grayson imo - which also reminds me of that one scene where she goes "i am grayson hawthornes sister" which made me smile so big fr)

there are so many characters oml

knox - ok so my buddy boy knox. broski, brozilla, broville, brother from another mother, u need a hug? i didn't really like him in the beginning tbh he was a moody lil girl working through his issues. but after a while when he warmed to gigi it was nice to see the softer side to him (which tbh wasnt for very long until oop trauma dumpppp) but seriously oml knox baby the scar???? imma find calla fr (jlb cant write new characters also why complicate the shit out of everything and have a calla lily be relevant to lyra and also have calla be a person???) i did like how sweet/soft he was with gigi when she fell though that warmed my heart.

odette - iconic grandma shit tbh. she was third wheeling the entire time and at some points actually seemed like she was shipping them but then two seconds later she was warning them? saying no? idk the whole 'seizure' thing seems faker than eve's lies. and the fact she instantly gave brady the watch after gigi said no. like um what about knox? idk if thats js my brady hate coming through here though so yeah idk if i trust her or not (bet everyone is working for eve except for gigi, lyra and rohan)

grayson - marry me. love me. choose me. pls. i'd do ANYTHING. my simping for this man aside. IT WAS SO GODDAMN REFRESHING TO SEE A HEALING GRAYSON. like yes. it made me so happy to see him admit he was wrong but also know that its okay to be wrong skdjhaasd. this is so short because i love him and cant write proper thoughts about him fr.

brady - *cracks even more knuckles* brady daniels....... you know i've always wanted to know what it'd be like to write a hate paragraph. i guess im finding out now. i hate him. literally. i have unbridled hate for this man - who by the way still shocks me that he's only 20 he acts like he saw the fucking first world war. its one of the reasons i never liked him like he sooo took advantage of gigi's smartness and kindness like HE DID ABSOLUTELY NOTHING during the game gigi carried the entire team and when she refused to take odette's watch and then him instantly taking it. ICKKKK don't even mention how he lied abt his mom like dude just admit it you knew you were fucking cooked in that fight and the only way you could win was by lying. AND WHAT ABOUT THE WHOLE BOMBSHELL ABOUT HOW (i cant remember his name but the dude who raised knox, calla and brady) died??? and then being a little shit and dropping gigi's heart. like we get it u dumbass man child u think you're clever cause u can speak so many languages and read even more but NO. i was onto you, i never trusted your crusty old man ass. like he even touched gigi without her permission (on the stomach) which so gross to me, the dogshit under my shoe can do better than you brady. seriously. i hate him. i'm the leader and founder of the I HATE BRADY DANIELS CLUB. so thats at least something to sate my anger. help this got so long 😭

QUOTES ° ᡣ𐭩 . ° . [i'm putting like two because this already wayyyyy to long for anyone to actually bother reading.]

"you will come back to me, or i will make you come back to me." - grayson

"Beside Avery, Jameson was looking at her like she was the sun and the moon and the stars and eternity, all rolled into one." - gigi

"give me your eyes sweetheart." - grayson

if you're here at the end of this *APPLAUSE* i commend you on getting through that kilometre of my shit thoughts. have a piece of cake 🍰

[vctrvn-ls]

hi i love your writing it makes my heart feel so funny and warm so thank you🫶🏾🫶🏾. i was wondering if you could write for sharky. maybe something about sharky meeting y/n at kenny's birthday party and then y/n gets really drunk so sharky offers to bring them home and in the end its just all really cute and fluffy and all the boys are teasing him afterwards.

love this, it’s so cute 🤭

That One Room | Sharky |

warnings: language

wordcount: 5.5k

"Oh god this fucking dress." You huff as you pull the bottom down, annoyed at your choice of clothing.

"What? It's so cute!" Your friend Nella looked you up and down through the bathroom mirror. You gave her a "seriously?" look and walked out of the bathroom into your hotel room.

You glanced at the time on your phone "It's almost 11:00." You say as Nella plops down on the couch next to you with a big tired groan. You sit down beside her and close your eyes, enjoying the quiet for a bit.

Today was the 20th of March. Kenny's birthday.

Yes the Kenny from YouTube's Beta Squad. You personally knew him from FootAsylum, and because of your weekly shootings, you had become good friends. Maybe not too good, but good enough for him to invite you to his massive celebration right in the middle of London.

He rented out a whole floor at one of London's fancy hotels (which you didn't even know the name of) and invited a shit ton of people.

Crazy guy is what you thought.

The floor was mostly a club or some sort of disco area and the rest of it was an indoor pool.

Weird.

And knowing that you'd probably get drunk out of your mind, and because you didn't want to drive back and forth through London, you and Nella did what basically everyone else did: get a hotel room a couple of floors below (couple of floors because no one wants to hear booming music in their drunken sleep).

And as you and Nella laid around on the couch, you couldn't stop complaining about your dress and the fact that it kept riding up and almost revealing your butt, little did you know that that was something you will have forgotten about almost instantly.

"Girl I got you. I won't be leaving your side. I'll cover your precious ass." She joked.

"Nells I'm serious!" You gave her a shove "I'm not going to survive the embarrassment if tomorrow a drunk video of me in my underwear will be surfing the net!"

"Oh god y/n, these aren't Hollywood superstars. I know like more than half of these people and they aren't as vile as you think they are!" Nella had a point. You had only just began your whole YouTube career after one of your FootAsylum videos skyrocketed and you became (not a well-known) but a known influencer.

As worried as you were, you might've been overreacting a little. You knew a good amount of people (or more like heard of them) that were coming and really nothing could go wrong.

"Hey, Kenny." You say as he waved from inside the party room that was practically empty.

"Where is everyone?" You quiz as you lean in for a greeting hug.

"You guys actually came early." A tint of enthusiasm was heard in his voice which made you feel welcomed and wanted.

"You guys can do whatever you want. Toilet's down the hallway and out the door, it's both men and women so don't get scared, bar is right there," Kenny pointed to a fancy setup which was mostly made up of glass "If you need to get away you can go down the other hallway, there's like couches or something...but honestly I doubt anyone will use that room. Pool, smoke room I think they have hookas there-"

"Shiiit," Nella grins excitedly.

"Yeah and uh if you need anything come to me." Kenny claps his hands and looks at both of you.

There's nothing you can do except nod, all of a sudden all the previous worry washed away. This place was too good and too worth it to be hiding in a little corner.

Five minutes later you and Nella ended up splitting. You went to the bar and she was too intrigued by the hookas that she couldn't wait until you got your hands on at least one drink.

You hop on the stool in-front of the counter and smile at the bartender "One Negroni please."

"Yes ma'am," he says extra formally, in a joking way, and starts throwing bottles around and doing...bartender-y things.

While he was working his magic, you were busy looking around the room. A few more faces showed up and some of them looked familiar. You recognized Chunkz, Niko and there were two more guys, names of which you struggled to recall.

One thing you knew for sure is that they were part of the Beta Squad and you thought you even saw one on the set of FootAsylum's Liar Liar. Your thoughts were quickly cleared and forgotten as the satisfying clinging of the glass caught your attention. You turned around and saw your drink, instantly grinning and picking it up "Thank you." You nodded and turned to face the spacious room, determined to find Nella as fast as possible.

You didn't really need to "search" for her. You knew exactly where she was at.

"I'm scared for your lungs." You stood over Nella, who was spread out on the couch, blowing puffs of smoke in your face.

"Ironic. Well I'm worried for your kidneys." She points at the drink in your hand and sends another cloud at you, making you break out into a series of coughs.

"Right-" you wheeze "I'll be at the bar if you need me." You cover your mouth and hurry out of the room, sighing as you felt the fresh cold and airconed air hit your skin.

During everything that was mentioned earlier, somewhere in the middle of the room all of Beta Squad, along with Harry and Filly, were exchanging thoughts on the upcoming party.

"This place looks fire." AJ said, looking around in awe.

"Yeah, crazy how many people he invited." Niko chuckled pointing at Kenny.

"What? How many?" Chunkz raised his eyebrows, sure that it couldn't be that much.

"Not that much," Kenny tried looking away.

"Oh yeah, yeah," Niko said sarcastically "I saw the list. It's mad, I'm telling you he's gone up to every single person in London and asked if they wanna come."

Everyone laughed at Niko's comment.

"Nah it'll be fun." Kenny nodded "It's a chance for everyone to meet new people." He shrugged.

"Yeah or clart them." Harry blurted out, all his jokes being more out of pocket than the previous ones.

"Woooaahhh!" Chunkz exclaimed while everyone laughed, probably more from how awkwardly Harry had said it rather than the actual "joke".

"On the topic of new people." Sharky spoke up, coming over to Kenny and placing a hand on his shoulder "Who's that with Nella."

Kenny followed Sharky's gaze, seeing you talking to Nella next to the bar.

Of course everyone else looked.

"Guys don't stare!" Sharky whispered aggressively, nudging Chunkz and Niko that were closest to him.

"Yeah see he gets what I mean." Harry said, referring to his previous joke.

"Tsk, Harry what the hell." Sharky furrowed his eyebrows while everyone tried to hide their giggles and smiles.

"That's y/n." Kenny turned back to his friend "Haven't you met before?"

Sharky shook his head "I think I would've remembered."

Kenny shrugged "I can introduce you."

A few woo’s and ooh’s emitted from the guys, which Sharky quickly had to shush down.

"No I don't want it to be awkward." He glanced at you one more time, this time seeing you by yourself while Nella went to the smoke room.

"Go talk to her," Niko poked Sharky's shoulder "While she's alone."

"Nooooo," Sharky hissed at Niko, flicking away his finger "It's gonna be awkward as fuck."

"Pussy." AJ stated.

"Aje shut the fuck up." Sharky fired back "I said I don't wanna scare her."

"Or maybe you're just scared yourself." Kenny grinned.

"You too? Seriously?"

"Ok, ok, sorry." Kenny put his arms on Sharkys shoulders and hurried to apologize.

"How about Kenny just introduces all of us to her and then like...you know," Chunkz moved his eyebrows up and down.

"Yeah that could work." Kenny nodded.

"Can't believe Sharky's scared of gyal." AJ snickered from behind Filly, who was also trying not to laugh.

It really came as a shock to everyone that one of the most good looking guys of the group was scared to approach a lady, despite Sharky saying that "he didn't want to scare you off". Yes, maybe he didn't, but he was also scared himself, just like Kenny had said.

Fast forward back to the present where you were walking out of the hookah room. You took a sip of your Negroni before opening the door and as you did, you were caught off guard by the group of people that were right in front of you. Your breathe hitched but instead of breathing air you inhaled a bit of your drink and began coughing.

"Oh shit we did scare her." AJ commented from behind everyone. Luckily it wasn't too bad to get everyone worried.

"y/n, remember how you asked me about the Beta Squad?" Kenny gleamed at you.

You cleared your throat "Yeah."

"Well I'd like to introduce you to Chunkz," you shook his hand, of course you knew Chunkz, "And this is Niko-"

"Nice to meet you." He was very tall in person.

"AJ," that's who looked familiar off of FootAsylum's set "Then you've seen these two around often on shooting, Filly and Harry."

"Hi," you tried to put on a friendly smile, but really you were terrified by the amount of people you were in front of right now.

"And Sharky."

You extended your arm out before looking up. As you did, your fake smile quickly turned into a real one as you acknowledged the man before you. You shook hands too and as you did his friends spoke up.

"He likes football." Someone stated.

"He can drive-"

"Also he started cooking-"

You furrowed your eyebrows and chuckled in confusion as the comments kept coming.

"Yeah he makes the best soups-"

"Guys what the hell." Sharky tried to get everyone to calm down, but no one was planning on stopping. They didn't do it out of jokes, they genuinely wanted to present their friend.

"He has a podcast."

Now that caught your attention.

"Really?" You quizzed, interest drawn all over your face and Sharky caught onto it straight away.

"Yeah." He nodded proudly.

"I've been wanting to start one for ageeess," you explain, now forgetting about everyone and focusing on Sharky and what he had to say "Could you maybe like," you shrug "Give me any tips? Or maybe like tell me how you started everything?"

"Yeah sure." He said as calmly as he possibly could, but inside he was bursting! Not only did he successfully approach you (well kind of) he ended up gaining your interest which hinted at a future conversation.

"Alright, then we'll leave you to it." Kenny smiled, he was probably more excited than Sharky himself in the moment.

"Oh- Like right now?" You ask "Are you sure? I don't wanna like-" you motion to the guys "Separate you from everyone. It's a party after all."

"It hasn't even started yet." AJ said bluntly, earning a smack on the head from Harry with a whisper of "Shut up."

"No I don't mind." Sharky shook his head "Besides it's one of the things I can talk about for a loooong time." He grinned.

Your face was glowing with enthusiasm and you couldn't wait to hear Sharky's story...and possibly spend time with him, but you were still working out that part. After getting yourself a Martini, you and Sharky headed to the couch areas, yes that exact room that you were sure no one was going to use. But hey, this doesn't count, like AJ said the party hasn't even begun yet.

"Soooo," you said as the two of you sat down next to each other, maybe a little awkwardly "What's the best advice you can give me?"

Sharky chuckled "Well it's all about the desire of actually doing it. Just like with anything you have to be passionate and patient to get the results you want."

You nod in agreement, surprised at how wise he sounded.

"You need to choose a topic and it would be best if it's a range of things that are connected to one other thing so you don't feel like you're going off topic when you talk."

You nod, genuinely interested and fully submerged into the ongoing conversation.

For half an hour the two of you talked just about podcasting, but the other half hour was when things started to get a little more interesting.

The conversation steered in a totally different direction after you asked Sharky "Wait why didn't you get yourself a drink?" And then you discovered that he apparently doesn't drink at all.

"WHAT!?" You exclaimed "No fucking way."

"Yes fucking way." Sharky laughed.

"You're telling me you've never had alcohol? Ever?"

He shook his head.

It was like your world had exploded.

Then after religion you started talking about life in general. Sharky told you all about The Beta Squad and how it all started, whilst you shared your story about how you became friends with Nella Rose and ended up on FootAsylum.

You were currently talking about sports and who supported which football team, when suddenly you heard a loud bang vibrate through the glass walls. You turned to the door seeing Nella with a shocked expression and two drinks in her hands. You looked back at Sharky "Shit, we should probably go back."

He scratched the back of his head, nodding.

"Well, I'll see you around." You flash a smile at him before getting up and joining Nella.

Sharky watched you leave the room, saying something to your friend, making her laugh.

He didn't take his eyes off of you, watching you take a sip and wince at what he probably guessed was a strong cocktail. He kept his gaze stuck onto you until you turned the corner and disappeared back into the main party room.

He sighed taking a second to process his thoughts and feelings. He didn't know what exactly it was that he was feeling. Ironically everyone always said that he was the "ladies man" but as soon as it actually comes to the real life interaction, he was just as confused as everyone else and that did not help his confidence whatsoever.

Meanwhile you were back in the familiar room which was now full of people, strobing with colorful lights and boosting with music. The base was so strong that you felt the sound waves through the floor.

"LETS FUCKING DANCE!" Nella screeched into your ear, snatching your empty glass and placing it onto a table, before grabbing your wrist and pulling you after her right into the crowd of dancing people.

You felt like you were at the club, or a disco.

It was full of unfamiliar people that had only one thing in common with you: they were drunk to shit. At least you felt carefree and happy, even though it was drunk-happy. You and Nella jumped, danced, sang into each others faces and even had a mini dance battle. 10 songs later you were stumbling back to the bar, thirsty and exhausted.

"Can I have a-a," you furrowed your eyebrows, drunkly running a hand through your hair "Margarita?" You raised your eyebrows, saying the first thing that came to your mind.

A minute later you were washing down the alcohol in just a few gulps.

"SHIT YOU CAN DRINK!" You heard a voice yell somewhere from beside you as the bottom of your glass clacked against the counter. You turned around and saw Sharky, face instantly lighting up.

"Hhheeeyyy!" You smiled, tilting your head. Luckily Sharky could tell you were stoned out of your mind, so he didn't deem your unusually long "hey" as embarrassing and just chuckled.

"Wha-I didn't see you on the dance floor." You said, leaning forward in a clumsy motion.

"Uh, yeah," he raised an eyebrow, amused by your tone and enhanced drunk facial expressions.

"Why not?" You tilted your head again, maybe a little too much.

"I was-"

Sharky didn't even get to finish.

You hopped off the bar stool and yanked him after you, heading to the crowd of people. Despite feeling tired after the rave with Nella, you still wanted to go with him.

"Oh." He watched you struggle to walk in a straight line, entertained but also worried.

On the way there you bumped into Nella, Filly and Chunkz, who stopped you with a big "Hey!"

There was a slight pause as everyone focused on Sharky and you holding onto his hand.

"What are you guys up to?" Nella quizzed with a grin as she glanced at Sharky who had the most forced "I'm okay" smile known to humanity.

"Apparently he hasn't been on the dance floor yet!" You say it like it's the most outrageous fact they could've heard.

"Wow," Chunkz says nodding his head dramatically.

"I know!" You were too drunk to notice how playful that "wow" actually was, and took it in as his genuine surprise.

Sharky rolled his eyes to Chunkz's statement.

"You know, it's funny cause he's actually a dancer." He pointed at Sharky with a mysterious snicker.

"What!?" You exclaimed into Sharky's ear "You didn't tell me!"

"Yeah, I just...forgot? I’m not really-"

You widened your eyes "You need to teach me some moves!"

"Yep, he loves teaching!" Chunkz gave the situation a little nudge.

"For real?" Your mouth opened in excitement as Chunkz continued "Yeah! He teaches us all the time!"

Without anymore words you continued dragging Sharky towards the dance floor and as you did, he flipped off Chunkz in the process, knowing damn well that AJ and Niko were so going to make fun of him tomorrow.

"Teach me!" You yelled over the music, excited to see what type of moves you'd learn.

"Uh, well..." Sharky's eyes darted around the room "Maybe," he did the macarena and you instantly cracked up.

He watched in awe as you laughed away, trying to hide your face with your hand but failing drunkly.

"Cmon, be for real now!" You moved your hair behind your ears, ready to actually learn something.

He shrugged, then proceeded to move his hips while his hand did smooth motions around him, one in front and one behind, before then switching and repeating the same thing.

Your mouth dropped open as you watched.

"That was actually so good!" You yelled.

"Thank you!"

"Okay, okay, my turn." You got into position and after a small pause tried to copy him. The hands were fine, you actually managed to mimic him perfectly in that area, but the hip movements were absolutely hilarious. Sharky didn't want to laugh, but you were doing it so weirdly that he really struggled to keep it together.

"Whaaat?!" You whined, stopping.

"Nothing, nothing." He bit his lip and shook his head, but that wasn't enough to contain his laughter.

"Whaaat!?" You giggled, giving him a playful shove on the shoulder to which he again shook his head.

You roll your eyes, realizing that dance was evidently not your strongest talent.

You were about to say something to Sharky, but your mind quickly switched to the song that began playing in the background.

"Oh my god!" You shrieked "I love this song!"

You instantly recognized the familiar nostalgic tune: On the Floor - Jenifer Lopez.

And so did Sharky, this song reminded everyone of the good old days. In the rush of exhilaration you grabbed Sharky's hand and swerved past everyone in the crowd of people in efforts of getting closer to the DJ booth. While Pitbull rapped his verse, Sharky was trying his absolute best to hold onto you, afraid that he'd lose you in the wave.

"Sharky!" He heard someone call out. He turned around seeing AJ waving while beside him Niko did questionable dance moves.

All Sharky could do was mouth a "sorry" before disappearing behind two dancing girls.

"Hey, was he with y/n?" AJ faced Niko, who was now trying to do the robot.

"What?" He stopped.

"Was Sharky with y/n just now?"

"I don't know." Niko shrugged.

"Can't you see them over everyone with your long ass neck?" AJ snickered.

"Aye you be quiet," Niko whacked him on the back of the head before the two continued with what they were doing...or more like dancing.

While that happened, you and Sharky found a little space next to the stand between a group of people that were all preparing for the adrenaline-filled beat drop.

"You know we're running shit tonight on the floor! Brazil," you pointed to Sharky.

"Morocco!"

"London to Ibiza!"

"Straight to LA!"

"New York!"

"Vegas to Africa!"

"Daaance the night away live your life and stay young on the floooor," you and Sharky both hummed while doing slowmo movements, that actually looked really funny from the side, but really so did everyone.

You both leaned in, continuing to sing the lyrics as your eyes locked and breathing unified "Daaance the night away grab somebody, drink a little moreeee."

On the "grab somebody" Sharky scooped both of your hands into his and raised them up.

"Are you ready?" He yelled over the booming music. You giggle and nod your head.

With the beat drop came the electrifying surge of adrenaline and thrill. The lights flashed and everything looked like a stop motion movie. Without letting go of Sharky's hands you jumped up and down, eyes closed and soul open as you sang along "Laaaa la la la-la la la la la la la la la laaaa, tonight we gon' be it on the floor!"

As the two of you jumped, spun, sang and yelled, everything else around you seemed like a blur and it wasn't just because you were drunk. It was like the two of you were in your own little bubble, your own little world.

Lots of people were looming everywhere, but all Sharky could see was your bright smile, adorable squinting eyes and funny dance moves that he found very cute.

You were going all out, already sweating, panting and trying your best to breathe through your laughter.

In the moment everything felt so surreal and you didn't want to lose that feeling.

You didn't want to lose that serotonin that engulfed you with every melody.

You didn't want to lose this special happiness.

You didn't want to lose Sharky.

The music was pumping, and the rhythm was addictive. The two of you let yourselves go, lost in the magic of the moment. Your bodies moved in sync, eyes locked onto each others. You danced like you had all the time in the world, like nothing else mattered in the moment. Time stood still, and for a few fleeting seconds, you forgot about all your troubles and worries, lost in the moment, with each other, dancing like no one was watching.

As the song came to an end you felt like you were going to throw up, exhausted, from previous dancing with Nella, and drunk, but glowing out of pure joy.

"Are you okay?" Sharky gleamed at you.

You nodded "I think I need to like-"

"What!?" Sharky couldn't hear you from how loud it was. He placed his hands on your shoulders and leaned down, pulling you in closer so he could hear you speak.

"I need a breather!" You shout.

Sharky was quick to get you out of the packed crowd and back to the bar, where you ran into Harry Pinero and an unfamiliar girl.

"Hey, Sharky," Harry said in a playful voice, noticing you next to him.

"Hi." He replied unenthusiastically.

"Can I have a water please?" You leaned over the bar table, ignoring the conversation that was going on behind you.

"I see your nights going...well." Harry smirks, taking a sip of his drink.

"Yeah, it is actually." Sharky admits, glancing at you who was now finishing the glass of water like you haven't had any in days.

"Good for you." Harry nods, raising his glass and finishing it in one gulp before then turning around to his companion and heading to the hookah room. Sharky watched them, dreading tomorrows morning encounter with all his existence.

"You alright?" You snap him out of his thoughts.

He looks down at you and nods with a smile "Are you?"

"Yeah I feel a bit...sick."

"Oh shit, wanna go to that room we were in? I doubt anyone will be there."

"Yeah," you breathe.

Sharky puts his arm around your back, making sure you didn't trip over, as the pair of you made your way to the next door room.

You let out a sigh of relief as you felt the soft couch dent under you, resting your head on the back of it. Sharky glances at you, a little concerned by how unusually tired you look.

"Are you sure you're okay?"

You nod with your eyes closed "I just feel a little nauseous."

"That can't be good." Sharky thought to himself, realizing that it was best if you were to lay down or maybe even go to bed.

He's seen how much you had to drink and the more worrying thing was how much he hasn’t seen you drink.

"Hey, listen maybe it's best if you were to lay down, I can drive you home or you can have a rest in my room." He paused and hurried to add "Not in like that way you know just if you're feeling unwell- uh- like maybe if you feel sick- like the bathroom, you know-"

Even drunk you could tell how uneasy and flustered Sharky felt.

"I have a room here with Nella." You chuckle as you sit up and catch his gaze with your half open eyes.

"I can walk you there." He almost whispered as you moved your face closer to his, the distance between your lips gradually decreasing.

Sharky's eyes widen as realization slowly creeps in on what's about to happen. His breathe hitched as he felt your warm lips ghost over his, but before you could lean in and kiss him, he jolted back.

You felt your stomach knot and mouth go dry.

Why did he pull away? Did he not want to kiss you? Did you do something wrong? Did you go too far?

You felt your throat tighten and eyes begin to prickle with tears as you moved away from Sharky, trying your best to hold yourself together.

"I- Uh- Sorry I didn't meant to-" your voice was thick and raspy as your words came out choked and messy.

"What? No no no no no," Sharky placed his hand on your arm "No, y/n, that's not- Oh my god no!" He saw your eyes glisten and a thin line of tears form over them.

You sniff shaking your head "Sorry, I just thought-"

"No please don't cry," Sharky moves over, wrapping his arms around you. Despite the fact that he had just somewhat rejected you, you can't help but hug him in return, hiding your face in his chest whilst trying your best not to cry too loudly.

"y/n please don't be upset," Sharky says in a hushed tone as he rubs your back.

You sniff before looking up at him "Why don't you wanna kiss me?" By now your mascara had a mind of its own, running from the corners and smudging under your eyes.

"I do. Trust me I really do," he smiled softly "But you're drunk and you aren't feeling well. I just- " he sighs "It just wouldn't feel right considering the vulnerable state you're in."

"Oh." You snivel. Sharky let's out a small laugh and wipes your cheeks with the sleeve of his sweater.

"I feel so dumb." You groan, hanging your head down to hide away from him in embarrassment.

"Hey it's ok," you can hear the warm smile in Sharky's voice "Honestly it took all of my self control to do that."

You let out a small chuckle before looking back up at him.

That night Sharky walked you to your room and made sure you were alright with going to bed yourself.

You fell asleep with a grin on your face and with the feeling of excitement to wake up in the morning.

"Yep girl, that's it. Let it all out." Nella patted you on the back as you crouched over the toilet seat, throwing up everything your stomach had.

"Oh my god." You panted, looking up to take a whiff of air "Im never drinking again." You whined.

"Uhuh, like the last time you were never gonna drink again?"

"You know what I-" aaand you were back at it.

In the meantime everyone else you knew was having breakfast on the top floor of the hotel, enjoying the buffet and the open fresh air.

"So Sharky," AJ snickered "How'd yesterday go? You disappeared for quite some time."

"Really?" Kenny's eyebrows jumped up in surprise.

"Yeah, with we-all-know-who."

Sharky shook his head without any amusement, continuing to eat his breakfast.

"Oh cmon you have to tell us about it!" Chunkz threw his arms up.

"Nothing. Happened." Sharky stated.

"Ain't no way nothing happened." Harry joined in "I've seen you go into that couch-room."

"Oh, good to know someone actually used it." Kenny chuckled.

"Used?" Sharky raised a brow "I'm telling you, nothing happened. She felt sick so I," he shrugged "You know walked her to her room and then she went to bed." Sharky couldn't keep in his smile, remembering last night like it was something from a fairy tail, even that almost-kiss had his heart fluttering.

Chunkz caught onto that and gave a cheeky giggle "Aayyeee look at him smiling and everything." He pointed at his friend "Sharky likeesss her."

"Yeah so much that he apparently abandoned his friends on the dance floor." Niko furrowed his eyebrows and raised his hands up.

"Wha- I didn't abandon you. No need to be so dramatic."

Niko scoffed jokingly "Bros before girls!"

Everyone broke into a series of giggles and laughs.

"y/n is nice tho," Kenny said while chewing, evidently being the most innocent one out of everyone.

"She really is." Sharky agreed while everyone else continued to laugh, this time at Kenny's random statement.

"What?" He quizzed in confusion.

"So what you gonna go on a little date?" Niko asked.

As much as everyone was teasing Sharky about it, they were also invested in what was to come.

Was he going to ask you out?

Would you agree?

"Yeah I guess. I mean I do like her."

"Sick." Kenny commented "Look at me bringing people together."

"Yes, let's toast to that...With water because almost everyone is insanely hung over!" Harry raised his glass.

Unfortunately you didn't end up going to breakfast at all because you spent the entire morning throwing up.

As you rolled around in bed, holding onto your stomach, you and Nella heard a knock on the door.

"Ill check, you stay down." She says, getting up and heading to the hallway. Five seconds later you heard her call out your name, and without any thought you got up and lazily dragged your feet to the door.

"Who is-Oh my god hi." You almost fainted seeing Sharky there, considering your messed up state. He, on the other hand, looked amazing.

"Wha-You look insanely fresh for a person who's been partying all night." You speak your mind as you look him up and down.

"Thank you, perks of not drinking." He grins.

"Oh right, you don't drink." You nod, remembering yesterdays conversation "Well I did and now I look like shit." You scratch the back of your head.

"Nah, nah. You look..."

You raised your eyebrows, waiting for him to continue.

"Maybe just a little tired."

You chuckled rolling your eyes.

"Anyway I uh, didn't see you at breakfast."

"Yeah, sorry couldn't make it, I was throwing up all morning."

"Ooohhh...right okay makes sense." He nods. You can't help but grin at how awkward and shy he was acting, standing there in front of you, swaying from side to side whilst fiddling with the sleeves of his sweater.

"I uh wanted to ask, if you would want to go to the-I mean on a date? Maybe?"

"Are you kidding? Obviously."

"Obviously?" Sharky let's out a confused chuckle.

"Oh please, just because I'm sober now doesn't mean that I don't like you. I remember yesterday quite well."

"Ah," he nods "Okay that's good."

You grin "It is good. And I can't wait for the date."

"Text you?"

"Do you have my number?" You raised an eyebrow.

"Yeah," his tone was unsure.

"Wait how'd you-"

"Kenny."

You nodded "Alright. I'll be uh, waiting."

"Yep." Sharky looks around "Bye?"

You step forward, embracing him in a tight hug "See you."

[heartgirl2020]

Chibis!

I'm honestly surprised that I haven't uploaded these here until now. Then again, I drew these back in August of 2022 and didn't create my Tumblr account until November of the same year, so I might've just forgotten to do so. Nevertheless, here they are now after two years and almost two months!

In August of 2022, I had an idea regarding one of my favorite Lunime games, Gacha World. I noticed that many of the characters in Gacha World didn't get a chibi version of themself as a collectible pet in Gacha Studio, so I drew some rough doodles of my interpretations of a few characters' chibis. I plan to draw more chibi designs for GW characters and possibly for a few Anime Gacha and Gacha Resort characters (at least, the ones that weren't already featured in Gacha World). I can't wait to show you them once they're complete, and until then, I hope you enjoy what I have so far! 😊��

Characters Included (from left to right)

Row 1: Blaster Evllyn, Dice, Idol Kinen, and Blooming Tiff

Row 2: Phoenix Ami, Melnya Kyuzo, Cindy, and Scythe Ripper

Row 3: Jack Ace, Kazeto Nekoshima, Lovely Lunith, and Gwen

Row 4: Efreet, Atom, Cyto, and Undine

Bonus! - Linked below are a few examples of the chibis seen in Gacha Studio, which were the main inspiration for these doodles, courtesy of LunimeGames's DeviantArt page.

https://www.deviantart.com/lunimegames/art/Luni-Chibi-Gacha-Studio-682152510

https://www.deviantart.com/lunimegames/art/Sylph-Chibi-Gacha-Studio-682152398

https://www.deviantart.com/lunimegames/art/Phantom-Chibi-Gacha-Studio-682152487

https://www.deviantart.com/lunimegames/art/Mitsuko-Chibi-Gacha-Studio-682152441

All characters featured belong to their respective creators.

[necrophilemagpie]

Alucard characterization headcanons and Why exactly making Seras a vampire was something he felt the need to do. And why she felt the need to resist it so much.

So, here's the big one that p much drives my personal characterization of him

He's not some sort of just-because devil figure that 'corrupts people for the fun of it i guess.' No, his reasons for doing what he does are deeply painfully personal and informed shamelessly by his own trauma and things He wanted back before he lacked power.

Oh and wanting to justify himself and that pesky thing called being afraid to be alone.

"I wish everyone that's hurt me ever died a painful gory death" is something a lot of people feel, but he makes the assumption that it's something people also want to Act on. He did.

How Exactly he became Dracula is not known, but it is strongly implied something happened and he Gave Himself that kind of power through the rage he felt.

And then the dynamic flipped. He became a powerful feared warlord, he was in a position where, if he so wished anyone that as much as looked at him wrong could be easily be rid of forever in a matter of minutes or seconds.

He also got to know all too well when he was defeated just exactly how painful it was to be powerless again, though not entirely this time, by comparison it must've Felt exactly like coming back to being a scared kid.

Especially having been betrayed further, and, as far as he knew, being tossed to that basement to the end of time, unable to even move, until Integra found him.

And in his mind, not only did she Save him, she saved him By Giving Him Power again.

And he wants to replicate that feeling, that exhilaration of being granted power to... honestly just reach the absolute safety of being the scariest thing around really.

He saw Seras and realized, maybe, just maybe thats someone thats kind of like him, maybe that's someone that Could Be Like him, maybe if he gives her what he previously mustered for himself, and what Integra gave him

finally, finally somebody will understand him. Finally he can justify who he is by saying 'look! here's someone, here's someone who thought the same!' that he's not a monster, or at least not that much of a monster, or at least that being a monster is a normal, reasonable thing to be.

Trouble is, Seras, no doubt growing up with no real support as an extremely traumatized, and, honestly, likely autistic child knows something about the human world he might've forgotten about.

And that something is, that outliers are not Welcome in the world, that the world is Always bigger, that being visibly hurt is Dangerous and that lashing out will get you in deep shit and it's best to not give anyone reasons to notice.

She's not just a bubbly girl simply to be cute I guess, the girl is masking.

Oh but she no longer lives in the human world. And to him it's weakness, to him it's bullshit. To him it's Seras digging her own grave.

He doesn't quite get at first that she doesn't just cling to humanity because change is scary, but because her humanity has been The One Thing she's had to protect herself with. And Acting Like A Normal Human was her one defense against being neglected and othered more than she already was.

It did literally take the human world visibly crumbling around her for Seras to realize, wait, that's not, that's not as real or as powerful a structure as she thought and it wont even apply to her anymore once its back.

And likely shocked as he was, that Seras turned out a very different kind of monster from him, Alucard, nonetheless, got something much better than he bargained for. Not a copy or a follower. An equal.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

this was quite a while ago so my memory is hazy but it still sort of bothers me, so

AITA for making a quick comment about a ship dynamic(???) i didn't like in the ship tag?

before you jump on my ass, this isn't pro/anti stuff. literally just a matter of preference.

not going to mention the specific characters or media in question for pure anonymity's sake. i'm just going to assign arbitrary names to the characters in question for readability. let's say Albert and Bartholomew, or something. and the ship name can be Fucking BartBert I Guess.

"Bartholomew" had a traumatic experience in his childhood that had a very large impact on his mental state, let's say. as a fan of. um. "bartbert". i had noticed a trend in fan works of this ship depicting an AU version of Bartholomew that had never had this traumatic event happen to him. not that there's anything wrong with that, really. i just found it sort of strange and i was more interested in the canon character, additionally i found it sort of comforting to think that Bartholomew was worthy of love scars and all, so to speak. so i made a short post in the tag expressing pretty much that. along the lines of "why is there so much fanart like this? can't he be loved the way he is?" or something like that, and tagged it as bartbert because i wanted to see other people's thoughts on it. in retrospect it could've been read as dismissive or inflammatory i suppose but i really didn't mean it like that. i was just a little bit annoyed and confused by it.

fast forward a little while and this person comes into my notes saying something along the lines of "for some reason i can't reblog this on my main, but it's because people have been nice enough to make fanart of the AU that i made." i didn't think i knew this person at all, so i essentially just responded trying to assure them that i don't know them and wasn't trying to attack their art or them personally or anything.

i'm not sure exactly what happened after that because it's been like 2 years but in essence, i had actually blocked their main a few months before, because they had been posting about that AU and i didn't like it, so i just blocked and moved on like i usually do with stuff like that because i didn't want to see it in the tags. i probably didn't even realize at the time that they were the creator of the AU. but this person pointed out that i had their main blocked as like, evidence that that post i had made was a personal attack against them, or something like that?? of course i didn't mean it in that way, i had just blocked their main months ago and forgotten about it, and i wasn't even really trying to be rude but they blocked me before i could try to explain myself.

i remember this whole thing pretty vividly because i was at the zoo with my family that day and feeling like i was being accused of something i didn't do, or being called mean or being picked on by someone with a much larger following than me presumably, just for making a single post the night before was really stressing me out on what was supposed to be a fun day. in addition i ended up leaving the fanbase for the work in question entirely pretty soon after because i didn't want people to think i was weird or mean. it's sort of colored my recollection of the work in general, which sucks because i do still really like it.

in retrospect i'm honestly not sure if what i did was wrong or not. i suppose i shouldn't have put negativity in the tag but also i feel like you should be allowed to express negative opinions the same as positive ones, right? as long as you aren't being a jackass about it. although at the same time i can sort of see their perspective because i think if i saw a post like that about something i had made i might've jumped straight to being defensive about it, too...

but anyways it's one of those memories that creeps up on me while i'm trying to go to sleep, so,

was i the asshole?

What are these acronyms?

[moongothic]

So, back in early 2023, our local yarn shop sadly closed down, and I got some Really Nice Yarn at a really, really good discount. Like I would not have bought this Malabrigo yarn ever had it not been on discount. And, because it's nice yarn, I had been saving it up for a good, long while. Mainly because I had other projects I wanted to finish first, but also because this Really Nice Yarn, and I wanted to make something really nice with it, with care.

I wanted to make something wearable with this yarn, but at the time I had little knitting experience. I do love making things in crochet, but I don't like crochet on wearables, and crochet eats up so much more yarn I did not want to risk running out of yarn. So yeah, I left the yarn to wait, and over 2023 I got better at knitting by just knitting a lot of small shit, and this year I made my first knitted sweater. With all that I did finally get enough confidence to finally get working with this yarn. And over the last year I had had plenty of time to think about what I wanted to make with it specifically.

I wanted to try to make a colorwork sweater.

Now specifically, I wanted to practise doing colorwork. A traditional colorwork sweater (with colorwork all across the yoke and maybe even the whole thing) seemed like too much for me to figure out, like that's a lot of floats to manage and tension to figure out. For a long while I was thinking a peppermint themed sweater with vertical stripes could be super cute, and relatively simple (at least in design) but also the floats of that intimidated me a lot. But also, I'm working with red and white here, what else can I do with this color palette? I did also think about knitting like a ribcage pattern on the sweater, but that also intimidated me a little bit.

Then I had another idea; what if I do a sweater with an intarsia section? That would allow me to practise doing colorwork, managing floats and figuring out my tension, but at a smaller scale. I can just do a topdown raglan like my previous/first sweater, and amp up the difficulty just a little bit (instead of a lot) And... yeah, with this colorpalette in mind, I had one idea for what I could try to knit; a bleeding, anatomical heart.

So I bullshitted a chart together

(Blew it up to a bigger size when actually using it)

And I just. Got to knitting.

Honestly I don't even have much to say about the knitting process, it went smoothly and I had fun, although I was very worried about my tension the whole time, unsure if I was knitting it too tight or too loose, and praying blocking the sweater would help it in the end.

But yeah, once the knitting was done, it was time to block.

Took one photo of my floats before blocking

And then. Disaster struck.

Now, in hindsight, thinking about it deeply, I think the seller at the yarn store might've actually warned me about this, but I had completely forgotten about it until now. But the red dye started bleeding from the yarn while blocking. I had a fucking meltdown y'all. Like I started seeing the water in the lil tub I was blocking the sweater in turning a little pink and I was getting worried, I pour the water out and rinse the sweater with running water hoping the red dye hadn't stuck to the white yarn, but it had. In utter desperation I flung this thing straight into the washing machine (either a wool cycle or a quick wash), hoping a quick rinse would help the red dye come off. I did so much shit, in complete panic, just desperate to make my sweater not pink.

But it was too late, I had been too slow to react.

The white yarn, previously a stark white, now has a pink undertone to it.

Okay it's not so bad, you can definitely see it better in person than in the photo, but regardless, after all the time I spent working on this damn thing the dye bleeding really did just wreck me, to the point I left the sweater to sit by itself for a month, still kind of unfinished, because I could not bring myself to even look at it.

But yeah, eventually, I got over the yarn staining, and returned to the sweater. I had some loose ends that needed to be weaved in still, yes, but also.

My colorwork was kind of shit and I had to do something about it.

I had done a decent job with the red floats, maybe a bit too tight in some places but not too bad. The white floats however, were far too fucking loose, and so there was massive gaping on the sides of the colorwork. And while I could kind of pull the white floats inwards, they would come loose again and the gaping holes would return.

A normal person would realize you just have to frog the whole sweater and redo it because there's no fixing shit tension like this. But, look. If there's something I've learned from doing comics, it's that while I could spend months trying to master this one thing, I could also, instead, just call it a day and move onto the next thing. Or, in this case, try to bandaid the issue and improve my tension with my next colorwork project (whenever that may happen).

So I did spend some time trying to find any suggestions on how one could try to "fix" this shit tension, but I couldn't really find anything. But after futzing around with the yarn and the floats, I wondered... If I somehow managed to hold down the white floats on the inside of the sweater, could I not artificially tighten the tension and fix the gaping?

So I grabbed a small crochet hook and...

You know when you drop a stitch when knitting and then rescue it with a crochet hook, looping each round of yarn with the next? Yeah, I just. Did that. Creating a little chain stitch. And just to hold THAT down and keeping from unravelling, I grabbed a little bit of sewing thread and knotted it at the top of the stitch so I can't fall out.

Yeah, this is not an Elegant Solution, this is an Improper Knitting Technique and Most Shameful, I should just frog the project and redo it and Git Good.

But like.

It kinda really did work, man.

Now I did pull the chain a little too tight in a few spots so I created new issues (in the form of buckling) lmao, but like. There's no more gaping holes. Like, I dunno what to tell you man, it kinda worked, the main issue I was having and most unhappy about is gone. Like I wanna take that W, man.

Anyway, there were other issues with the sweater, a quick rundown:

I made the sleeves too long, the yarn switch was meant to happen at the same height as the torso but the sleeves really stretched the fuck out when blocking and so not only is the color change in the wrong spot but also they're just too long. Whoops. (Thankfully I can just fold the sleeves over, it's just the ribbing won't be the same lenght as the bottom of the sweater)

I dunno what I did but the sleeves are a bit too big and so the fabric of the sweater just kinda creates these weird folds in the upper arm that annoy the shit out of me (I'm just confused because I did it the same as my previous sweater but I didn't have this problem with it??)

The yarn is thin, and so the sweater is shockingly seethru. Like, you can see the black Roadhog Overwatch t-shirt I'm wearing underneath it, which is mildly annoying. Just, gotta wear white and/or plain t-shirts underneath this thing, I guess.

When bullshitting my chart together I may have stretched the heart out a little too much so it looks maybe a smidge too elongated, and generally speaking the heart looks a bit off (but that's more of a "I don't know how to create an image that reads nicely when knit" problem) (Also I could fix some of it by duplicate stitching on top, if I felt like it)

In hindsight, maybe using this superwash wool wasn't a great pick for colorwork since the yarn won't stick to itself (which you would want with colorwork, right?)

So the human heart lies about in the center of your chest if a smidge to the left, and so I tried to do that "just a smidge to the left of the center" positioning. And like, while the pattern did go exactly where I wanted it to go, I did the math right, maybe in hindsight I should've moved it just a little bit more to the left because right now it looks like... unintentionally off-center??? Like had I moved it 5 more stitches to the left it'd probably look more intentional (despite the position being intentional to begin with)

Aside from that though, it turned out Relatively Decent. Not as good as my previous sweater, but it's fine, I'll wear it, and I learned a lot during this process. And that's what really matters, doesn't it.

[thefandomenchantress]

A new Disventure Camp episode came out today!! I figured now would be a good time to list some of my thoughts. Not only on this episode in particular, but also on Hunter's whole situation.

I mostly liked Ashley this episode, which is good since it was her last, but there's this one point in the episode that bothered me a lot, that being how she blows up at Jake and Ally for not getting along...And then just immediately forgives Jake the next scene when he gets sad?

I don't care if they make up, that's not what I'm getting at, but I really wish Jake would've apologized and said something like: "I'm sorry, Ashley, you're always so supportive and I just keep messing things up. I--I should've blown up at Ally like that-" and then have Ashley forgive him. As it is, I got some severe whiplash by how it seemed like Ashley was having a falling out with Jake and Ally, genuinely being mad at them, only for that to just be forgotten a few minutes later. I understand that Ashley is a forgiving person, but it seems too extreme even for her to just forgive him without him doing anything but complain about Tom being close. That's just what I think, though.

I really liked the rest of the episode, besides that small nitpick. I was worried I wouldn't like Gabby as much if she became evil and a legitimate threat, since I liked her more cartoony demeanor. Luckily, my worry was misplaced, because Gabby is just as silly as ever, even if she is trying to be evil. She literally said she was going to make a costume with a cape and mask to be evil in like she's a Scooby-doo villain or something, I love her so much. Then again, Yul did say she was a "Tumblr girl" so maybe it makes sense that I like her haha. While Gabby is a threat now, the writers don't try to make you take her super seriously, which I appreciated. Non-serious villains are always my favorites.

Sadly, I got Ashley's elimination partially spoiled for me (someone replied to a comment I made on the YouTube trailer for the episode, saying something along the lines of, 'yeah she goes home :)' to someone else in the replies who speculated she would. The downside of your comment becoming popular I guess). But I still liked it and genuinely considered that the person might've been lying when the elimination ceremony started. That was a pretty good subversion of expectations, I really thought Aiden was a goner.

I've never been a big fan of Jake, and while I'm not desperate for him to go home...I'm kind of over him, if I'm being honest. I know he's supposed to be flawed and partially unlikeable, but personally I just can't deal with all his bullshit, it stresses me out. I've never been too invested in TomJake, so all that nonsense this season hasn't been too fun for me, I'll be honest. I understand why people like it, but it's just not for me, I suppose. At this point I'm thankful James got out early, so that at least there's no drama between him and Aiden (yet). Most of the relationships this season are going downhill, haha. Except for Ally and Tess (please bring the polycule back I miss it it's one of the only polycule representations I've ever seen in media PLEASE--).

(Now starting the Hunter section. if you don't want to hear my insane ramblings about him, turn back.)

...I don't know when I'm going to make another post about Disventure Camp so I'm gonna vent about Hunter here, too. He was technically mentioned this episode, so it's totally relevant that I talk about him, right? Right.

Hunter was my favorite in season 2. I honestly don't know why, since he's pretty bland all things considered. Usually, I like the zany characters. I think it was him repeatedly failing to befriend Tess that pulled me in, since I can never resist a...Boyfailure? I think that's the internet term for it.

But this season I was just...NOT into his characterization. And as far as I've seen, I'm in the minority with that opinion, since I've seen a lot of people say they like him more now. The main line of reasoning I've seen is, "He was boring in season 2, and I liked him better in All-Stars because they gave him flaws."

And...I don't agree. I'm fine with them 3-dimentionaliszing his character, I agree that he was pretty flat before in terms of characterization. Actually, I'd love if they gave him some flaws! What if they highlight how bad he is at making connections/alliances with anyone other than Ally and Tess? They kind of do this by making Fiore be on his team and showing how his strategy of "win challenges to stay in the game" completely falls apart when he can't win challenges. And I thought that was all fine and good.

The thing I don't like is how they decided one of his main flaws should be being a not-good boyfriend. Which just doesn't feel right to me? His whole thing in season two was offering emotional support to Ally and Tess, and now they spin it so that he isn't paying proper attention to Ally or what she says, not grabbing her Switch, not listening to her when she talks about her games, etc.. I'm fine with Ally and Hunter having relationship troubles, but...I don't know, I guess I'm just a little mad they took his compassion away. He just seems a lot angrier and more mean-spirited this go around. He's not fun to watch. I think I have a good example to prove what I mean.

In the Secret-revealing episode of season 2, one of Ally's secrets is that she yelled at a group of children until they cried because they were using cheats in a game she was playing, and her excuse for doing so is that she was stressed. The writers bashing Ally aside, Hunter says something like, "Do you always yell at children when you're stressed?" in response, showing that even though he hasn't met those children who were doing something wrong, he doesn't think lashing out at them was okay.

...Meanwhile season 3 Hunter is yelling and lashing out at Fiore, a child, the whole time he's in the game. I know it's not exactly the same, Fiore is a bit of a demon-child, and Hunter was, ironically, stressed, but still. He seems so much more competitive and not as nice as he used to be. Being chill used to be his default, but now it's a sort of aggressiveness that just doesn't mesh with the original Hunter in my mind.

...I recently read that something happened behind the scenes that helped create this change in characterization, but as someone who wasn't aware of that when the first episodes aired and became upset when he was changed, I really would've liked to at least have an in-universe explanation instead of this just happening. Because until I read that information, I thought they changed him just because they thought the audience didn't like him much in season two. In short, I thought it was a needless retcon and became upset when there was no explanation for the change. If the behind-the-scenes stuff was a big enough deal that they wanted to change him like this without in-universe explanation...I might've preferred them just not using him at all. Then again, the season's not over. So I guess it's a little unfair of me to assume anything yet.

Anyways, that's all just my opinion. Feel free to share your thoughts or tell me why you think I'm being too dramatic about Hunter, haha. I feel like I'm one of very few season-two-Hunter enjoyers, so I'm not expecting that to be a super popular take. I'm just mopey that he changed, I guess.

[fenimores-book-nook]

Books (again) and other things

10.22.24 ~ Tuesday

Welcome back to the Book Nook! First things first: HAPPY ASEXUAL AWARENESS WEEK! I want to do something special for every day of Ace week (I have yet to decide what) and today it's going to be a drawing of a frog with an Ace flag that I found on Pinterest. Maybe that's what will happen every day, I guess you'll have to tune to find out this week. ;) I'm also aware that Asexuality Awareness week started two days ago, on the twentieth and it is in fact, October 22nd. Tuesdays usually feel like the "actual" start of the week to me since it's the first day of work for me. So...it makes sense to me.

I will also be going on a trip to Arizona on Thursday, so you best believe Imma be rocking some Ace and Aro pride while I'm there. ;) I wanted to try to wear something Ace or AroAce every day but I might've forgotten today. BUT I have made AroAce bracelets to sell in the shop I work at, so we got one of those on. Plus, I got my nails done recently and they've got purple ombre, so I think that counts as well.

Something I did for Aromantic Awareness week is make a bunch of Aro colored bracelets and had them out for free, so I want to do that again for Ace week! But I am low on those bracelets, so I'm gonna be a bracelet making machine when I get home today. Besides, better late than never. ;)

One of the main things I wanted today's blog post to be about is a book series that I really love. The Baby-Sitters Club (the graphic novels) books based on the original BSC books by Ann M. Martin. The illustrators/authors have changed as more books have come out but I love looking at all the different art and writing styles.

This is probably the main book series that I will always get new releases for, no matter how old I get, no matter what age the books are for. (Quick side note on that topic: it literally does not matter how old the books you read are intended for and it does not matter how old you are. Heck, I'm twenty and I regularly read middle grade books. Because I like them. And that's all that matters. I'm someone who has had a bit of trouble with not feeling embarrassed with reading some of the books I read but I shouldn't feel embarrassed! No one should. READ WHAT YOU WANT TO READ, WHO CARES WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK.) Okay. Side note over.

I never really got into the original Baby-Sitters Club books, though I've read a few of them. I love the graphic novels a lot, I feel like the art adds so much more to the story. So far, there's 16 of the graphic novel adaptations out. (And yes, I have all of them, hehe.) I know they've skipped some of the original books, probably because they felt they didn't add enough to the Baby-Sitters Club universe. (Or not, I don't know.) But the ones they have made, I love. And of course, we're going to talk about my favorites.

These are three of my favorites out of the BSC! I'm sure if I re-read all of them, I'd include a few others, but we'll talk about these for now.

Good-bye Stacey, Good-bye is book number 11 in the series. Lemme just preface by saying, Stacey is probably my favorite BSC character's point of view to read from. She and Claudia are probably my favorite BSC members, honestly.

I love this one because it's Stacey moving back to New York City and while her leaving Stoneybrook is sad, the way she looks at moving back, I really like. Also, I've always wanted to go to New York City and explore, so I'm gonna love any of the books that have to do with it. As well with Stacey and Claudia's friendship, I love it so much. In this one it's shown quite a bit, their dedication and care for each other. The art style in this is one of my favorites. It was a bit of a change to get used to when Raina Telgemeier stopped illustrating them (I love her own books as well), but I think I kind of prefer this style more. I love them all, but this one just scratches my brain right.

Jessi's Secret Language, book 12. As a CODA (Child Of Deaf Adults), I really, really love when authors include deaf representation. There needs to be more representation, but over the last few years I've really noticed deaf characters being more included in books. As well as deaf representation, I'd love to see more normalized LGBTQIA+ representation. Seriously! But we're getting on a tangent now.

I love book 12 because of the things I've already stated, but also it's such a sweet book too. Jessi's love for dancing and how the kids and other BSC members show their support; I love it all.

And the last Baby-Sitters Club book we'll talk about today: Stacey's Mistake, book 14. Like I said about Good-bye Stacey, Good-bye, I love all the New York City vibes in this one too. But I'm also drawn to it because of the friend issues that happen. I haven't read this one in a bit, but I remember something in my brain going, "oh wow, I feel seen." I love books that make you feel like that. The way everything ends up okay-like every BSC book but that's partly why I love them so much-makes my heart smile.

I love all of the Baby-Sitters Club books and I will probably revisit talking about them in the future. They just give me this comfort and peak my interest every time I read them. And I'll also add: this is probably the only series that I've felt a real interest in writing fanfic and/or creating fanart for. But fanfic in the sense that I cast some of the characters as AroAce in my head. Honestly, it's kinda a lot of fun; I can see why people like creating an alternate story line to original stories in this way. :)

That is all for now, have the best day ever, and never stop reading what makes you happy.

All my love,

Thalia <3

[aidedharbor78]

this morning I dreamt up a new episode for mcsm, but unfortunately I've forgotten almost everything that happened in it bc my ability to remember things that happen in my dreams is dwindling-

I only rly remember 2 of the sets. one was sort of like a lava dungeon underground, it honestly looked cool, there were rocks that kinda served as platforms and there were some dungeon-y elements like iron bars and chains and stuff (I feel like it sort of resembled the volcano mines in Stardew Valley)

and the second one was I think somewhere in Beacontown, but not in like the main town square area, it was a bit further away. it was sort of grassy, so maybe like the outskirts of town?

actually I think there might've been another one that was just a cave, this one I feel like I remember bc I think in the dream I thought "this pretty much looks like what I envision the cave in the Answers fanfic looking like" but I'm skeptical if that actually happened or if my brain's filling in gaps-

so I remember some the visuals, I just unfortunately don't remember the actual story elements, which is sad- especially since in my dream I seemed to enjoy it.