#honestly ............. i cannot explain to u why she loves it so much .

[pinkgrapefloyd]

wip word game

tagged by the amazing @zannolin! tysm!

Rules: you will be given a word. share one sentence/excerpt from your wip(s) that start with each letter of that word. my word was RUIN.

R (little excerpt from Ruin My Life (anti hero sequel). in this household, R is for Robby <3 have a little snippet of the miyagi fang gang playing never have i ever)

Robby crosses his arms. “I’m not, like, morally opposed to it. Just never happened. Didn’t know I was on trial here.” “You’re not,” Sam interjects. “Let’s move on.” “Hell no!” Demetri protests. “So you and Diaz never made out?” Miguel coughs into his drink next to Robby and honestly, Robby doesn’t blame him. This is just ridiculous.

U (from my spirk WIP. part of a little conversation between kirk and uhura which i really love)

Unfortunately, his mouth didn’t care much for his brain’s command orders. Mutinous bastard. “Dinner was great. So great, in fact, that I… um... tried to have the good old ‘what are we’ conversation with Spock.” Her face softened. She didn’t seem surprised by the monumental implications of such an announcement, and Jim couldn’t decide if he found that insulting or comforting.

I (garashir WIP my beloved... still in the very early stages but it's a ten course menu of miscommunication. fifty percent silly, fifty percent vulnerable. i cannot wait for you to read it)

It’s in his body, and it’s in the implication of his body, and in the air between them. I was trained to break people like you. Maybe it’s unwise to ask me to unearth the kindness I buried in the yard like a dead pet before you were even born. I’m not so sure what’s left of it now. I’m not sure you’d like looking at it.

N (another Ruin My Life snippet because I feel like most of you aren't here for Star Trek lmao. The worlds needs more Sam and Johnny scenes in my opinion!)

“No, I meant… singular they. Like when you…” Sam takes a deep breath. This day is already stressful enough without the prospect of explaining singular they to Johnny Lawrence. “It’s a girl.” Johnny frowns. “Why are you looking at me like that? I got a boyfriend, man. What do you think I’m gonna say, your father and I are super disappointed in you? You can have six girlfriends for all I care. Just don’t come home with that vegan shit.”

my word is STAR and I'm tagging @vimesbootstheory and @blinkasaurus and anyone else who sees this and is looking for a good excuse to share wip sneak peeks! :D

[allastoredeer]

Hola deer I was wondering what are your thoughts of who might have Al on a leash…I know many people are speculating it to be Lilith, but I feel like There is no way Al had a whole breakdown song just for being Lilith lackeys. True it might be that he just wants his power back, but the idea of Lilith requesting Al to keep an eye on the hotel it’s not that bad per se. The way he reacted when Husk mentioned his leash, that was the face of a man who is terrified to lose control and making a deal with Charlie was his last remedy.

The man is desperate and I can’t stop thinking about the fact the he was already so powerful when he come to hell, And unless he met someone who had a lot of knowledge on the place before dying, I doubt he would have got the title of overlord that quickly. Someone must have helped him right?! Same with Lilith. As the story goes she became so very powerful when she feel in hell, but how? Do u just know what your power are and how to use them when u die? Lilith was the first of her kind to get down there, there was no one she could have taken inspiration from. And what about Al’s shadow? I mean what shadows have in correlation with a deer man with a microphone? To me it would make much more sense if when Al was alive, he got in contact with someone very powerful from hell and made the naive mistake to trust it. He sold his soul and he got shadows to help him through his murders, then Upon dying, he made a second mistake and momentarily forgot about his leash, going around and killing Overlords for his own entertainment, until he was called back to fulfill his end of the bargain.

My speculation is that root must have his soul and maybe even Lilith’s soul, or at least some kinda of deal with her, that got her to be the queen she is remembered as. Heaven is the only place where root eyes are not visible, and it might explain why Lilith disappeared for 7 years in the angel land , same as Al. Maybe Lilith helped Al in exchange of him taking care of his daughter for her or something, and while they were together Lilith might have accidentally influenced Al’s opinion on the king of hell as well, causing the man to hate him at first sight lol

Just imagining Lilith ranting about his ex husband to Alastor, like Charlie did about Vaggie, when they were going to cannibalism town it’s so funny to me.

I like the idea that She's just Luci's long-suffering wine mom friend who is amicably divorced from him and ends up gaining a second man child once Luci and Al get together. I think her being the villain it’s just too cliche and I feel like it would be so much better if she actually start bickering with Lucy, angry talking like two feral cats lol

But let me know what you think😆

I get why a lot of people are speculating that Lilith has Alastor on a leash, and I wouldn't be surprised (or upset) if she does, but I really think it's Roo.

Or, at least, I want it to be her so badly.

I agree that I don't think Alastor would have a mental breakdown over being Lilith's lackey. Honestly, I don't agree with whole idea/concept that Lilith is even the bad guy. Like, I won't be mad if she is, because I love corrupt or morally grey female characters, but I think there is so much more going on them meets the eye.

A lot of people saw that 5 second glimpse of her onscreen during the season finale and kind of just assumed she ditched Hell and her family to live it up in Heaven, but I just...that makes absolutely no sense to me, especially given how she's been depicted in the background during the show. Given what little we know about Lilith, I just cannot see her leaving Lucifer, Charlie, and her entire domain to go fuck around in Heaven, whom I imagine she wouldn't have a very good relationship with, anyway.

And yes! I also massively agree about Alastor getting his power from some kind of source. It was specifically stated that he was toppling Overlords and gaining power faster than anyone ever has before, and from what we can deduce from the show, Alastor has the power to actually kill sinners - which isn't supposed to be possible. The only way sinners are supposed to die is with angelic weaponry.

Not only that, it also hasn't been hinted or implied that anyone else has been able to rip apart souls like he does. As far as we've seen from the other Overlords, the most you can do is own someone's soul.

So we have Alastor over here rising to the top of the food chain almost over night, gaining power at a rapid pace, with abilities that no one else seems to have. Yeah, I 100% believe he made a deal with someone when he first came into Hell, and I think that person was Roo.

I mean, what motive would Lilith have for making a deal with this random sinner who just entered Hell? Out of the hundreds (if not thousands) of sinners who have to be arriving in Hell by the day? What would she have to gain by doing that? What could Alastor possibly offer her that she, the Queen of Hell, can't do herself?

But Roo? She's the Root of all Evil. She doesn't need a reason. She can be evil for the sake of being evil. I can see her picking a random, wide-eyed, recently deceased sinner and giving them the deal of a lifetime - one that she can cash in on later.

And even if it wasn't random, I can see her looking for a lackey to give power to, to then use as a pawn farther down the road. I can see her being cunning and careful with who she picks, and I 100% believe she would see Alastor's insecure ass and know that guy would do anything to get power (the faster the better), especially if he only just died and didn't yet understand the full scale and structure of Hell, and how serious those kinds of deals are.

(And I can also see Alastor making a deal with Roo when he was alive and then suffering the consequences of it when he died. That's be super cool.)

As for why, well, Roo obviously doesn't have much sway in Hell, despite being the Root of all Evil, because we don't see or hear about her at all throughout the show. If she had power over any of the 7 Rings, we would've seen it or heard about it. In fact, she's only been alluded to once, and that was in the first episode, during the opening sequence of Charlie explaining Hell's origin story.

Still, Roo has to interact with Hell in some way, considering she's the personification of evil and this is THE place for wickedness and corruption. I just don't think she has power or dominion there. At least, not yet ;)

I think she's been cooking up a scheme for a while and what we're seeing in season 1 is her slowly putting the game pieces into place. I think she has Alastor on a leash (that she's had him on a leash for a while but she's only just now using it), and I think she's also the reason Lilith is in Heaven.

I mean, when you think about it, of course she would want Lilith out of the picture if she's trying to make a power grab in Hell. Lilith was the one running the place. She thrived in Hell. She empowered it. So getting her out of the picture makes perfect sense, and who would even think to look for Lilith in Heaven? The very last place you'd expect her to be?

I don't know, the whole idea that Lilith is just a big bad evil women who doesn't care about her family and hates Hell and wants nothing to do with either of them just...it doesn't sit right. It doesn't make sense.

I do think that Lilith and Alastor have met each other in some way, though. The both of them disappearing for 7 years, at the same time, is too much of a coincidence (I want her and Alastor to be besties :3) and I just KNOW that there is more to Lucifer and Lilith's divorce than people give it credit for. I want those juicy details. I want a full blown argument between them so we can get that tea.

But if Lilith does end up being one of our antagonists in season 2, I won't be upset, cuz like I said, give me those morally corrupt women. They'll be loved and appreciated here.

Still, my gut says its Roo. And even if Roo isn't directly holding Alastor's leash, I think she's involved in some way and that she's going to be coming into play eventually. She seems like the type who would manipulate things from the shadows, using people as pawns, and playing a game that no one else even realizes they're playing. I want her to be a psychotic little mastermind trash lady.

I neeeeeeed it.

[soph-the-podcast-nerd]

Warning more Juno Steel Spoilers

I’m doing another reaction for part 2 of the case closed

pt 1

Loving junos personification of Hyperion City

aw hes so happy to be a private eye again lol

PUCK FALCO? I was not expecting to see them in this episode honestly

The Sheriff Hates Paperwork

“yeah shes the best we all know that” SO FAIR

ah…. I’m getting Thea soul vibes

Yeah we don’t have a car cuz it went back to its home planet nbd 🤷‍♀️

You guys. I love rita so much. Like I can’t explain how much I love her. Rita is absolutely the best. Idk what I’m going to do without her :(

“Oh. Its you.” “Funny, thats exactly what I say when I look in the mirror each morning.” I love how the penumbra podcast can just be so casually funny with random lines like this

Pilot pereyra was. The one with the high heels I think? I don’t remember… was that the one that was with them at the old station when they were trying to find like. The underground city. Cuz that was a while back and I cannot remember (it sounds like I need to relisten to juno steel lol)

Wait was I right about the thea soul

cuz if juno had one in his office its possible they’re still out there

Ah. fuck.

Loving this music so much aaaaa

all the music is so great on tpp i love it

AAAAAAAAAA MICK UR BACK YAYYYYYYYY

also juno did you have some coffee. Why are u so hyper

i love mick so much hes so silly aaaaa

Juno my boy loves being a pain in the ass

also juno learn how to make tea its not that damn hard like mick doesn’t know much but he knows how to make tea

this is so funny everyone make fun of juno time because he doesn’t know how to use a computer, he doesn’t know how to make tea, but somehow hes an amazing private eye???

Well theres only one person we haven’t seen. Thats right Sasha wi

just kidding peter nureyev the man in glass

you ever think about. Trees?

bro is trying to…. stop… autumn???

hes so dumb I love him. Keep doing what you’re doing dude never change

also when was the last time we heard juno genuinely laugh. Have we ever heard him laugh like this? Hes just. So happy. I’m so glad.

i bet you that nureyev comes through the window in these last 13 minutes. Or hes already sitting inside

Aaa fuck you juno now I’m crying

why are doing this to me. I’m. Aughhhh. Crying.

especially with this music

FUCK. I’m sad.

We dont get a reunion? Aw

i kinda get it tho

Ah fuck I dont have any money

you guys I’m going to miss this show so damn much oh. Oh my god. Also I don’t have any money and the money I do have is in cash cuz I’m a minor without a job. But I’m so excited to hear about future projects

[vivacissimx]

hellooo, maybe i remember the scene wrong, but why alysanne should be against Viserra becoming queen in a possible marriage with Baelon? ok she was commenting the fact that Viserra loved more becoming queen than Baelon himself, it may be, but it's a very weird thing, complaining about your daughter wanting to be queen when you yourself ARE a queen and you've said more than once that women can and should rule. thus without the whole question of 'she doesn't want her brother for love, time to marry her to some old guy she'd probably hate'. i even like alysanne but this was so nonsensical and fucked up lol there's no reason why she's so adamantly against Viserra getting the crown. like, if Baelon had ruled, why are you against him getting a consort?

Alysanne's POV on the Viserra/Baelon is multifold to me; obviously the first concern she raises is that Viserra does not love Baelon, she just wants to be Queen. This makes no sense because Aemon was alive at the time but her concerns over Viserra's motivations aren't unfair. To put it plainly, she thinks they'd be miserable together, as Viserra wants something from Baelon that he cannot provide/that she might eventually resent him for. There is a motherly concern for her kids' happiness that tracks with her character.

We should remember that this is post-Saera so it's not as if her own marriage was in the best place. I think Alysanne was made insecure about her parenting by Saera's situation. There was Jaehaerys who blamed Saera. There was Saera who was unrepentant. There was Alysanne who was used to her family members desiring her approval & goodwill, which allowed her to play peacemaker among them, but which neither Saera nor Jaehaerys gave two shits about during the whole saga. Suddenly Alysanne's position in her family was not what she thought it was. A lot of her actions that seem harsh could very well be coming out of that headspace.

However, the fact that she came up with such an honestly terrible solution to the Viserra debacle in the form of Theomore Manderly makes me think two things: a) Alysanne did actually believe it was a possibility that Viserra could seduce Baelon, and b) Alysanne's personal favoritism towards Baelon clouded her vision when it came to anything that concerned him. While I don't think Alysanne was against Baelon ever marrying again, I do believe knowing the heights to which he loved Alyssa meant that consort absolutely had to be someone Alysanne believed could make him personally happy, as Alyssa had. I think she thought that if Baelon consented to marrying Viserra (0.000001% probability) it would be a mistake; a mistake she could prevent.

This protectiveness was not shown to Viserra. After all, Viserra was the one being sent away to one of the most remote places possible for a princess of her dynastic credentials, without eyebrows being raised about the match. Her husband would be a grown man unlikely to be easily manipulated. Viserra's children would not be heirs to anything, to bolster her position. She'd have to rely on the goodwill of strangers.

(Remember when Alysanne told her mother Alyssa Velaryon that even if she was sent to the corners of the world she'd fly back to Jaehaerys? Well Viserra didn't have a dragon & unlike Alysanne, she had a mother who was willing to send her to that very corner to keep her away from her brother. Sickly sweet irony.)

It's frustrating though, because Viserra tried in several relatively mature ways to explain she did not want this betrothal before appealing to Baelon. Viserra spoke to Jaehaerys, who dismissed her & acted like it was out his hands (mf u are THE KING). Viserra told Alysanne that if Alysanne liked Theomore so much, she should marry him - i.e. would you want him in my position/appeal to empathy. Seducing Baelon (mission failed) was a last ditch effort of a sixteen year old crying out for help.

Ultimately Alysanne didn't want to listen, she wanted to be right. We know she was a convincing Queen, that she had a knack for bringing people around to her viewpoints, but Viserra & Saera showed us the other side to Alysanne's strong conviction: she didn't back down when she was wrong, either.

[simmonsized]

🥑🌻🪐🥐☁️🎨 🧩 for Writers Truth & Dare Ask Game

1. 🥑 ⇢ you accidentally killed somebody, which mutual(s) do you text for help?

Probably the members of my Broblematic server (@outofstrings (bird and fae collectively, u may know of the Post-Cal ask blog), @future-geometries (Jess u are the first person I thought of) and definitely @alexharrier , who I think would probably hide me from the law even if I didn't explain the crime. I am not including beloved @chaton-katreal because I think she is too gentle, i would not want to muck up her life with murder!)

Or you know, my actual partner @notanotherdoodleblog probably LOL

All fantastic people, worth of hiding crimes.

2. 🌻 ⇢ tag someone you appreciate but don't talk to on a regular basis

Honestly most of my friends are pretty busy adulting 8( so we don't get to talk as much as I'd like to. @eggwyrt because our timezones are almost earth opposites. I love u!!!! I miss you!!

3. 🪐 ⇢ name three good things going on in your life right now

- I've got two real life best friends that I get together with and have coffee every weekend together, and sometimes do other things, and this is significant to me because adulthood makes it hard to keep friends, let alone see them.

- I got into the marine ecology lab at my school that I have been pushing for entrance into, despite missing a pre-req. I get to be on a boat for eight hours next quarter! Woohoo!

- I got fanart for a fic I am very proud of but very rarely interact with anybody about, which has boosted my confidence and made me feel really good, and each comment I've gotten since they posted the art has made my heart sing extra loud!

4. 🥐 ⇢ name one internet reference that will always make you laugh

Tbh I can't think of anything off the top of my head. My partner and I met through RVB, however, so we reference old seasons to each other fairly regularly, and I like to think we have a pretty good time c:

5. ☁️ ⇢ what made you choose your username?

(i do not even like Simmons that much but it's a solid username and now is part of my brand. also I am classically a blue team girly lol)

6. 🎨 ⇢ link your favourite piece of fanart and explain why you like it

This is an impossible task. Insurmountable, even. There are several!! Many!!! How can I pick one?? So I will list a few:

A. Everything anyone has ever drawn for my fanfics at all ever.

B. SPECIFICALLY everything @alexharrier has drawn for me, ever. Especially specially specially these two gifs which actually make me fucking insane every time I see them.

Honestly, this had me making sounds so incoherent only dogs could hear them, years ago when I did not consider my fic would be special to anyone. I really really really treasure them.

Also both my birthday gifts, Bro at Disneyland, and Bro at Home Depot 💕

C. This artwork for RNG chapter 66, from @101-sve . It is also special to me, and it's been my wallpaper on my phone ever since c: the atmosphere, the warmth, the halo of their hair i just... Yeah!!!!

D. Recent, probably familiar still, this Holy Fucking Shit Beautiful Atmospheric work of art for metempsychosis!!!! by @askinsufferableprickmod . I really actually cannot stop looking at it. It's so gorgeous, and honestly even if it had nothing to do with me I would still be in love with it. The concept of the kids are Gods, as beings outside the mortal world they made for themselves, all that is visible here, and I really really love it!

* I know all of these are things people have drawn for me, for my content, but honestly that is why they are my favorites! It is touching to see someone put heart into something that is related to something you, yourself, also put heart into!!! I love it!!!! I love these talented artists!!!!!

ALSO: we all know Theater of Coolty, but it is so beloved to me, I can recite it in my sleep lol.

7. 🧩 ⇢ what will make you click away from a fanfiction immediately

On top of the other reasons I said I don't like things, you do actually have to convince me 6 times outta 10 if you want me to read a Homestuck fic in the third person. There is just something to the flavor of 2nd person that hits different. There is a reason different perspectives exist, and I think they can all be utilized well, but something about that classic, well-patterned "you, and then you" just gets me, you know?

[ilovejojo]

character ask game... umm this is probably generic but rohan... u get him

ThankYou for the ask 💗

First impression: It was , a 6+ hour long continuous explosion of epiphany and realization.. i cannot describe the magnitude of his impact it was spiritual.. actually felt just like this: ↓

Impression now: hes so META, how do i explain what rohan means to me? he's an artist, above all else, whats most fascinating is the very fact that araki created this guy.

Favorite moment: The spider i condone it

And this LOL

Idea for a story: we got a lot of rohan stories at this point. but, i feel very curious about his parents.. however, it feels that because of the nature of his character, we are not supposed to know this, the same way he cannot die..

Unpopular opinion: he's not a dilfhunter desperate to get railed by jotaro or honestly anyone for that matter at least the way he is during part 4 is just so contradictory to this fan characterization, hes detached, rohan is detached from actual direct human relationships, hes not trying to get fucked its some of the most out of character things ive seen from the fandom it drives me nuts....... Rohan has turned people into objects of study..there is an emotional detachment. This is the core of all his problems. He does not even remember the trauma. He would never go out and seek relationships the way a lot of fan interpretations depict him, you know?

Another: i also think a lot of people dont often see rohans growth? the impact koichis friendship had on him, the realization that he can just, be friends with people, and he does, he makes more and more friends, hes still rohan, but this is not an insignificant change at all

Favorite relationship (platonic, familial etc): ok gonna list, a few. because how cant i.... Reimi..of course. It's so cute. i like to think she really encouraged him to pursue art when he was little.

Kyoka its perfect only they can handle each other. Also, why doesnt anyone talk about how she was the most important thing in his life during millionaire village ..!!!!???? canonically?! he trusts her so much she has the keys to his house x

and josuke it's the funniest thing ever and i love what it brings out in rohan..

Bakin if he counts, its so cute to me that he decided to get a dog, and bakin being apparently a labrador retriever like Arnold🥹 Ok i cant stop listinh these I also love his friendship with tonio 💗

Favorite headcanon: Pink dark boy is, within the jojo universe, what jojo is to us..a bit to the left, maybe, but, even to those characters, i believe pink dark boy is such an incredibly insane baffling colorful creation. We can only imagine

[skillbattle]

BTW I just wanted to say that I adore you art of Orbulon's disguise!! If you had to choose between the old and new design which one would you say it's your favorite?

HELLO THANK YOU SO MUCH SMILES SO WIDELY AT YOU im so happy u like my design that makes me so happy 🥹🥹🥹!!!!!!!! Omg very good question …. im usually the one who favors the older warioware character designs compared to the newer ones but i love mashing up the modern looks with the older looks for my person designs !!! i rlly like orbulons new human disguise …. i love his gender realness ……….

i actually really love how out there the red hair is on the classic one !!! and I like how the black dress is the same color as his cape!!!!!!!!!!!! but the new one speaks to me a lot in a way I cannot explain . she deserves shorter hair i think…. that’s a serve. i think that’s why I made the hair shorter in my personal design LMAO 😭😭😭 but I honestly like both of these a lot but I lean toward the more modern one!! :]

[sophiesonlinediary]

thoughts on ttpd (first listen)

fortnight ft. post malone - i was kinda disappointed i thought it would be more ? ig and i wanted post to have a verse but they're voices together are so pretty!!!

ttpd - def not my fav i like the chorus though

my boy only breaks his favorite toys - kinda catchy not my fav tho

down bad - loved this one so muchhhh! CRYING AT THE GYM EVERYTHING COMES OUT TEENAGE PETULANCE AHHH <333 fr one of my favs

so long, london - not what i expected but so sad i loved it like taylor you have done it again another flawless track 5

but daddy i love him - IF U COULD SEE MY FACE WHEN SHE SAID "IM HAVING HIS BABIES" LMAO AND THEN SHE SAYS "NOT REALLY BUT U SHOULD SEE UR FACES" I WAS DYING OF LAUGHTER SHE GOT ME GOOD

fresh out the slammer - very interesting but a whole vibe <333

FLORIDA !!! ft. FLORENCE AND THE MACHINES - AHHHH DUDE DEF MY FAV I BELIEVE ESP SINCE IM FROM FL LIKE YES MAAM AND THEIR VOICES !!!

guilty as sin? - very interesting too i think i need to let it grow but the chorus was good

who's afraid of little old me - i dont know why but i relate sm to this song and the fact she acknowledges that we're very scared of her like taylor alison swift is not a force to be reckoned with

i can fix him (no really i can) - i was honestly laughing the whole time cause i knew this was about matty like maam he cannot be fixed and then she acknowledges at the end 😭 i love it tho

loml - why did i cry?! like i cried idk this song made me so emotional </3 and the end with the switch up to loss of my life. not ok.

i can do it with a broken heart - really liked this one def one of my favs the whole chorus is just so <333 and the whole pre chorus is so ahhh like glitter pen i love it so much words can explain

the smallest man who ever lived - the whole time i could only think "DRAG HIS ASS TAYLOR" men aint shit and by men i mean ratty healy 💋

the alchemy - not for me fs this song is so cheesy and not in a good way like im pretty sure this is about travis but i hated it so much 😭 it felt like an snl parody skit of their relationship like the ai audio that's like "im one game closer to making kelce my last name" or sum like that

clara bow - the way i had to pasue the song by the second vers ebecause my sister didnt know who stevie knicks is the disrespect i thought i raised her better than that but any who i like that song def very personal to her and like im manifesting the pre choruses

its late and its my first listen so ill def reblog tomorrow with updated thoughts!

[hopelessfandomfreak]

B, M, and U

B - a pairing you didn’t initially consider, but someone has since changed your mind on them.

— stonathan (stranger things) - rowan, this one is thanks to your blog! I hadn’t really considered them too much as a romantic pairing until I started following you, and now I definitely see the appeal. all the fandom content of them I’ve seen is so good!!

M - a character you’d like to have for a friend.

— ohhh my gosh so many!! but I’m going to go with robin from stranger things. she’s smart and funny, but she’s also considerate and dependable when you need her to be. I feel like (or I hope, at least) we’d get along very well!

U - three favorite characters from three different fandoms and why.

— eleanor shellstrop from the good place - so much about her character just resonates with me. she’s one of my biggest comfort characters and I think her development over the course of tgp really captures the essence of the show.

— lila pitts from the umbrella academy - she’s hilarious and unbelievably attractive and I am head over heels in love with her. she’s had a great character arc so far and I cannot wait to see her again in season 4 😭

— ahsoka tano from star wars - easily one of my all time favorites!! 🫶 I honestly couldn’t do her justice if I tried to explain how amazing she is and how much she means to me, so I’m just going to say that any star wars movie, book, show, etc. with her in it is automatically the superior star wars content.

[cosmobrain00]

rank ur top 4 trigun charas rn with Reasons or Else

HIII ARUSH!! dw u dont have to force me im ready n willing for this- only prob is tht im so torn between the diff adaptations (always comes down to tht istg) n bc I havent finished the manga yet, so!

here r my biased answers, in no particular order:

vash. how to explain my deep love for his character which consists of incredibly resilient morals, a deep love for humanity despite seeing a lot of the worst of it, n still manging to maintain hope n faith n a silly personality despite it all (n despite the internal conflict, but I digress bc thts a whole other portion) also I always love the non human characters first n foremost, wht can I say.

meryl. no matter whats she's in I always adore her personality n how she ends up coming along as a character- n am particularly taken w her characterization of being a reporter n tristamp n her journey n progression there as well. she's tenacious in the best way n her bickering n interactions w all the various characters in the series always makes me smile, n she also has a deep kindness shown in a lot of subtle ways at times, too.

knives. LMAO yeah yeah ik but I love me a good antag, esp one tht has sm of the most understandable reasons for becoming who he is in the present. he's one of the most complex characters imo n his complete opposite stance on humanity makes it a very interesting watch as he struggles to get vash to understand his side, which ngl, has good points. his progression into this mindset is esp interesting, when u take into acc wht his early life consisted of too.

n.. ugh. here it honestly a tie between milly n ww, so ill give reasons for both bc im a loser who cant pick:

milly. she's one of the kindest characters ive evr seen n her unfailing optimism is honestly so cute n heartwarming to watch, esp when things get much darker later on. she's smarter than ppl give her credit for (despite being a lovable airhead most times) n it makes for a nice contrast w meryl, too. (n let me tell u I cannot wait for her reveal in tristamp s2 pls come faster for us all)

n now, finally, wolfwood. honestly its hard to articulate why I rlly do love his character so much, esp w the diff versions, but ill forevr n always love his struggle when he meets vash n subsequently has to shepherd him toward his "fate". I love how soft he can be w the kids too n tht "big brother" sort of energy he always has, the moral dilemma of it all n, as ive said bf, his character progression n how he eventually ends up. love his differing personality, esp tristamps n how grouchy he is, its p cute ngl.

n im ending this essay long rant bf this can spiral anymore out of control LMAO ty again arush<3

[kittttycakes]

F, S, U for the fanfic asks? I’d love to pick your brain.

F. Share a snippet from one of your favorite dialogue scenes you’ve written and explain why you’re proud of it.

This is the hardest one to answer!! But a lot of fun to think about, so, from chapter 4 of as heart for heart, I really loved this exchange:

She was carefully cutting her chicken when she ventured to ask, “You mentioned a sister. Do you have any other siblings?”

He glanced over at her, barely making eye contact before replying, “Yes.”

Her jaw clenched, nearly imperceptibly, as she waited for any further response. How many, what they did, where he was in the line up, she would take anything at all, really, if it just meant he would say more than two words in a row to her.

She felt Hob looking at her, but did not look back, determined to see it through. “I used to wonder what it would be like, having siblings. I was an only child growing up, but there was a whole group of us, around the same age, that all lived close enough together that we could spend our free time together. I always thought having siblings would be like that, but that’s rather silly, isn’t it? Not everyone gets on with theirs, I know.” Grace shifted slightly in her seat, starting to uncross her legs before remembering how small the table was, resulting in her rather sharply jabbing the toe of her shoe squarely into Tom’s kneecap. “Christ—I’m sorry. I’m not usually this clumsy, I swear. Small table, bad day, one or the other or both.”

“She usually lives up to the namesake,” Hob said with a soft smile, reaching over and lightly putting his hand on her forearm, squeezing gently, once, reassuring, before letting go.

The entire dinner is SO awkward and so tense, and I feel like the shortness of Dream’s answer and Grace’s desperate talking just to fill the air really gets that across, culminating in her (mostly…) accidentally kicking him square in the knee, and Hob, who wants so badly for the dinner to go well, trying to make her feel a bit better. I think this exchange sort of gives a good idea of the atmosphere of this dinner table, and where everyone is at from Grace’s POV.

It’s also such a good chance to see Grace in an environment where she’s feeling a lack of control over the situation and a little uncomfortable, and getting to see her response to that (she doesn’t fight or flee, she fawns).

Honorable mention to Hob’s “Shroedinger’s human” line in chapter 7 because I thought it was funny.

S can be found here!

U. Share three of your favorite fic writers and why you like them so much.

This is also so hard, but as long as we acknowledge this is in no particular order AND is based a lot on what I have read most recently (tagging them here so everyone can go check them out):

@just-french-me-up has an absolutely brilliant WIP right now that I cannot get enough of (Three Hundred Years of Longing). Her other works are also incredible, I personally think about Sworn Hand and As Tantalus Reaches for the Apple at least once a week. She is so good at dialogue, at atmosphere, at fleshing out characters and making them so real and so vital, like living breathing people…I honestly could go on for a very long time so I’ll stop here.

Moorishflower writes some of the most beautiful prose and dialogue and was one of the first authors I read when I started to get into Sandman fic, I am woefully behind on Little Histories and Beautiful, Strange, and New, but both are knocking my socks off utterly. I feel the full spectrum of human emotion while reading fics by moorishflower. I am both in awe and jealous of the command of language, and reading a new chapter or new fic is always bound to be a delight.

Ark, who I have been reading fic from since…2012, perhaps? and who I have followed through a few fandoms, writes some of the absolute best characterization I have ever seen, full stop. Les Mis, CA:TWS, Sandman…I consider myself VERY lucky that I’ve ended up reading fic for the fandoms Ark writes for.

(Also, this feels like a good place to note that the AO3 account associated with this username is different than the AO3 I comment under/have written previous fic on, which is ditvin, so if you see me in the comments section on AO3…hello!)

[daisychainsandbowties]

hi hello 📥 ✏️ 🖊

📥 what's your fave fic to receive comments/messages on?

oh that's a tough one... honestly probably ligaments because i really pour my heart into that one. it's written in a very experimental style compared to the the third person POV & more straightforward narratives of my other fics, but it brings me so much joy to write it. and also i mean the comments on that tend to be from other big-time lilith fans & just some of the convos that u and i specifically have had in the comments section of ligaments were so incredible.

ligaments really brings me the most satisfaction when people *get* it, because i put so much of myself in that fic so it's really interesting to see people connect to the same things that matter a lot to me (and not just girls covered in blood but also the way that lilith feels so fiercely towards the world, how it renders her speechless, how love just unravels language and becomes something tender and untameable). yeah that's the one i think.

✏️ do you write every day?

yes! i write to relax so when i'm not working on my thesis i'm probably tucked away somewhere writing. i do still write original fiction (new novel idea crawled out of the primordial ooze this week rip me) and also my poetry, but recently it's been a lot of fic which i've really enjoyed. i don't have a strict schedule for writing or a set amount i have to write every day because my brain takes those kinds of things too seriously, but i tend to write about 1000 words every day, or a full poem which i consider equivalent to about that much (tho, i have been known to write 1k poems. rip my supervisors who are like... hey cas do you think you could write a short poem?)

🖊 post a snippet from a current WIP. has to be ligaments for u kei

ligaments 7

you wonder how it happened. a chaste kiss or something long and deliberate, beatrice lingering her tongue inside another mouth, swallowing each sound as if, that way, God might not hear it.

it is not difficult to imagine. you have after all watched this girl rip a bloody knife from inside a body, holding the blade aloft at a bad angle so the wet followed the pathway of her wrist and raced down her forearm like a tongue. you have watched her flick it off the ends of her fingers, splashing blood up onto her own face and wincing at the warmth.

you have stood with her fully clothed in a shower and scrubbed the various fluids of war out of her hair, feeling each bump in the topography of her skull. you can very easily imagine her pressing her body into another body, gripping brickwork to either side and rocking her hips forward.

but to imagine her without her scars and her silence and her little lips closed around the profanities that belong in her? this, you cannot do.

would she be an arachnologist? growing dusty and grey-haired in a laboratory full of the soft sounds of spider legs tapping on glass, shuffling around in cages. naming each of them in her eccentric way. picking their shed skeletons up out of their cages, totally unafraid.

she could be a physicist, you think, sometimes. when she will not shut up about the Higgs Boson particle, failing utterly to take offense when her papers - printed terribly off the rickety machine in the admin office - call it the God particle.

‘scientists don’t like it either, lilith. the arguments are very funny. either they say that it’s not as important as all that or they say that the beginning had nothing to do with god, so the comparison is irrelevant.’

‘and what do you think?’

‘i think it’s romantic.’ - you choked on your orange juice - ‘it’s an overstatement, certainly. but it’s beautiful. it explains why some particles break symmetry. it’s… it says that what might seem like an aberration is just another piece of what holds the universe together.’

[7k9sinthee]

Yyeerrrpp thats it!!!!!! Oc drop

Ignore unrenderes versions. i dont have room for all rendered pngs and didnt make a templates thing like the imagine below (again)

Lore drop when????

In order from (top>middle>bottom)left to (top>middle>bottom)right,,,,

Ella; PoTO oc whos ,,x Meg Giry,, GAY!!!!!!! Violinist,,,!!! HAS A FATHER???? AND A MOTHER???? AND A HAPPY ENDING????? (yeah,,,),, heterosexual eyes even though shes GAY!!!!!!!! Despised men a bit

Zombee; cutie oc whos a bit of an artist but gave up in the end,,, DEAD(and gay)!!!!!!! Friends with; Odalis !! Betrayal 💔💔💔

Marie; basically self-insert fod 1990 poto because,,, x Cherik ofc,,,, singer yum!!!!! In the same universe as Ella but they dont know eachother too much so they dont interact much,,, both end up happy :33333

Odalis; DEAD!!!! gem body 😯!!!!! Crystal hair,, no it is not soft and silky,,, it is hard and unmoving 💔,,,,, a bit gay but doesnt even know who they are,,, tragic......more betrayal💔💔💔

Elysia; TWST OC!!!!! First oc like ever drawn,,, is a literal star,,,, one of the youngest ocs (2nd),,, too many scars to count (is too clumsy for the Earth world amd often forgets how to move)

Charles: !!!!THE BABY!!!!!! is dead unfortunately 💔💔 (no one gets to live happy) baby of Oli (not rlly but whatever) actually the calmest of all my ocs,,, everyone else is either GAY, on that zaza or tweaking a bit,,

Angel; SWEET CHILD💔💔💔 Betrayal is a common theme,,,, family betrayal,,, chefs kisss,,,, family issues EVERYWHERE,,, poor baby only called an angel after dying brutally💔 burned eyes she cannot see properly,,, loves Verona with all her soul,,, religious trauma (same)

Oli; OHMYGOD!!!!! I LOVE HIM!!!!! literally THE father,,, if all ocs(mine or others if??) met him,,, hes so sweet pls, actually died peacefully at a nice, old age,, a bit of poor vision from old age,,, actually looks hes in his like early 20s but hes in his 40s,, no specific age because age is nothing when its in the thousands (4000=40,, 2000=20, etc.) Same universe as; Charles, Angel, Verona

Verona; oh poor baby,, literally towers EVERYONE. (7'1),,, absolutely in love with Angel but tries to avoid her,,, why? Because Angel is a literal angel (not yet) and doesnt want to mess up her goal,,, isnt aware Angel is willing to lose everything for him,,, Scary horns and teeth,, hides everytime he can 💔💔

Milo(below); WOLVES!!!!!!!! i love wolves sm,, i was wantinf to make this oc for so long but didnt know the style,, this is just raw like headshot and theres no fit yet,,, literally messiest hair ever,, LIVES IN THE WOODS????? universe hopping moron (has gotten stuck in ulternate universes before (actually was there because it mean she got a family fot once)) wants the golden locs fairytail life (find family and be happy with them, even if they arent wolves as well),,, she wont get it but still wants it, WOLF NOSE BECAUSE YES!!!!!!! Honestly couldnt give a fuck but does because she feels bad 💔 (no one gives a fuck about her)

I had another oc that was like maned wolf oc who was trans (ftm) but i lost it so ill draw him soon 💔 (if i remember to do so)

^^^^ These are wanted crimials,,, be on look out,,,,,, they might steal ur forks and spoons....... and socks if u arent carful................

Ask for full lore and i will so absolutely drop everything to explain 🙌🙌🙌🙌

[jenrecs]

you're letting us read this... for free?? FOR FREE?? I SHOULD BE PAYING YOU TO READ THIS

You call Minji from the car, but she doesn’t answer. You’ve been best friends since kindergarten; her dad’s house is just across the street from the one you’d grown up in, where your parents still live. You kids have all grown up, and away - you, Minji, and her two brothers - but Mr. Kim still lives in that same house, the light blue one that you can see from your childhood bedroom window. 

NO BUT. when i realized amalthea!jk is KIM JUNGKOOK, I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MYSELF FOR REAL. i just sat there in silence for a few minutes going 😦

You try not to notice, try not to think about the muscles of those shoulders rippling under your fingertips - enough. Enough, now.

!!! this !!! i felt like i was watching a movie fr, the way you sprinkled these little bits before we got to see what really happened. and even throughout the chapter with the way you weave the flashbacks into the present so seamlessly. when she thought about how she's always been silently orbiting him, never really pushing but never really pulling either, i felt like that was so eloquently punctuated with how u let the story progress, like yeah we're still very much in the present day but then you'd tug it back just a lil bit ?? does that even make sense lmao. but anyway that shit is amazing !!! this definitely reads very differently than wwh or mffmhh and i am loving it??? this is most definitely a fave???

“Explain to me how you got even more beautiful?” he’d murmured, and your heart had leapt into your throat.

yk how dogs kick their legs like crazy when you scratch just the right spot? i shit u not, i literally went berserk like that. not even in a cute "twirling my hair, kicking my feet" way. i went completely insane when i read this line

It had hurt, after. The scrapes from the brick wall. Your sore hamstrings. Your chapped, cracking lips.  His silence. You’d both missed the countdown. Happy New Year.

three consecutive life sentences and counting . i have a good feeling you might end up with 30 by the time this is finished . i cannot stop thinking about that last line there .

But honestly, you can’t even hate him for it. He hadn’t promised you a thing, so logically there’s no reason to feel like a toy played with and discarded - even if you’re left wishing he had never picked you up to play with at all.

i don't think this jin is an ass in any way whatsoever. he clearly cares about her a ton and i am beyond curious to see what his reasoning was for ghosting her like that !!

You’d sit, quiet, watching him work the controls, listening to him whine and groan and complain and shout his way through each map. And you’d feel special, because he let you stay after he’d told Minji to fuck off, because he didn’t mind your presence, because sometimes he’d ask if you wanted him to teach you how, even though you always said no thanks. 

i loveeeeeeeeee this detail. i thought u really came through with this bit, showing how fond he was of her, how much affection he had for her. it's such a nice little visual too. he's a private dude but when he invites her into his orbit... bih i am so soft for them i need to be conked on the head with a brick

Romantic, you think wryly. A garbage date.

lmaoooooo love

And now you’re twenty-eight and the secrets you’ve kept keep piling up - each day you loved him, another pebble atop the pile. The slightest shake could topple the tower, and you’d be absolutely buried. You could never let Minji know you loved him. Not when you were fifteen and he was untouchable. Not when you were twenty, and he was the best part of coming home. Not when you were twenty-six, pressed between him and the deck railing. Not now, after two years of existing outside his orbit again. 

ok i need 700 working days to recover from this. seriously. what in the fuck. how does your brain just come up with stuff like that. why do you keep punching me in the face like that. "and he was the best part of coming home" YOU CANNOT DO THIS TO ME 😭

“Do you have any bean paste?” you answer. “I’m going to go make Minji hangover soup.” Only one word was a lie.

okay miss gurl. go get your man

When you finish the dishes - save for the pot with the remaining soup, still on the stove for when Minji wakes up - you pour your own mug of coffee and sit across from Jin, watching as he finishes his soup. He closes his eyes and sighs happily, then sets down his spoon reverently.

this is so domestic i need to fall into a ditch and curl into the fetal position and be left there for a week. i am obsessed with them and i am terrified of what you're going to put them through

“Tell Minji you made the soup,” you instruct, and then you close the door behind you. 

oh miss gurl you're running away from your man 😭 this seokjin reminds me of puppy jin in the sense that he's also zig zig zagging lol my guy i never know what to expect from you

but anyway. i am fully not prepared for the rest of the fic bc i know it will reach into the depths of my soul and crush me like a gnat and i'd like this to be viewed as me waving a white flag bc please go easy on me i am a weakling i cannot handle them HURTING :o

1. Asterism || KSJ

(banner by @itaeewon)

Title: Amalthea (Masterpost) - Part 1: Asterism

Rating: NSFW - minors go away i mean it Genre: best friend's older brother!au, angst smut fluff trifecta Pairing: Seokjin x female reader Beta team: @yoongiphoria, @here2bbtstrash, @kookstempo

Summary: You can count on two things in life. One: that your lifelong best friend Minji will always be there for you, in your corner, your brightest star. Two: that you'll never be free from her older brother Seokjin's orbit - the gravitational pull is just too strong.

Warnings: language, drinking, angst, kissing, fingering, explicit protected s*x WC: 9.5k

Part 1: Asterism Asterism: (noun) a recognizable pattern of stars that does not make up the full constellation

Things start when your mother texts you asking for a favor.

To be more historically accurate, things started when you were a child. But for the sake of brevity, for a tighter focus on the now, it starts with this text -

[5:41 PM] Mom: can you do me a big favor?

When you send her back “sure”, she calls you, which you expected all along. You’re surprised she texted first at all, instead of going straight to the phone call. She’s a creature of habit, your mother. 

“I cooked a few dishes and stuck them in the fridge,” she tells you. Pacing across your own kitchen, a fifteen minute drive from her place, you squint as you pass through the one exact spot where the afternoon sunlight assaults you from the window every day around this time. You’ve lived here for years - you’ve just been too lazy to put curtains up in this room. Your mother continues, her voice coming through your phone so loudly that you can hold it like it’s on speaker (although it’s not) and still hear her loud and clear. “You’ll see them, they’re in the tupperware with blue lids? Can you bring them over to the Kims’?”

“What?” you say - not because you didn’t understand the directions, but because you didn’t understand the why. She starts to repeat herself but you cut her off, clarifying, “Why are you making food for the Kims?”

“Didn’t I tell you?” she asks. “Or at least Minji? Mr. Kim had his knee replacement today.”

You call Minji from the car, but she doesn’t answer. You’ve been best friends since kindergarten; her dad’s house is just across the street from the one you’d grown up in, where your parents still live. You kids have all grown up, and away - you, Minji, and her two brothers - but Mr. Kim still lives in that same house, the light blue one that you can see from your childhood bedroom window. 

You still live close, and Minji’s just a few towns over. Her brothers moved far - requiring planes and trains to get back. You see Minji at least monthly, if not more often - usually you meet for brunch at a place between your houses. Sometimes, though, you meet back home home - for holidays, usually. The last time you were at her dad’s house with her was for the winter holidays two years ago; you’d rung in the New Year on her back deck. 

You try not to think about that night. 

You let yourself into your parents’ empty house with the code and head straight for the kitchen. As promised, there’s a small stack of blue-lidded containers, and you load them into a reusable grocery bag you steal from the cabinet beneath the sink. You lock the house back up and head across the street on foot. 

Once upon a time - for most of your life, really - you would have just let yourself in. You and Minji grew up in each other’s homes. This was your second home, her dad your second father. It had been like that your whole life. But once you and Minji went away to college, things changed - just slightly. Part of it’s just becoming an adult. You don’t barge in anymore, you knock. 

You expect Minji, or maybe one of her aunts if they’ve come to help, to answer the door. Instead, it swings open to reveal her older brother, Seokjin - full lips frowning slightly, strong brow furrowed as he tries to piece together why you’re standing on his father’s doorstep holding a grocery bag. 

The moment stretches, stills. It can go one of two ways - you can let it be awkward, or you can be sure that it isn’t.

“Hi,” you say, hoping it sounds breezy. “My mom cooked some dishes for you.”

Seokjin takes a minute step backwards, lips parting to speak, but then you hear your name squealed from over his shoulder and you brace yourself for impact. 

Jin acts fast, grabbing the bag of food from you and flattening himself against his open front door as Minji launches herself past him to hug you, laughing.

“I called you on my way over!” you scold her, smiling, hugging her tightly back. 

“Sorry!” she says, still holding you, still laughing. Jin’s still holding your food, just to the side of you, watching this display with a blank face. “I was helping my dad lay down. I left my phone in the kitchen, I think? You should see his knee, it’s disgusting. Is that food?”

She releases you and turns, heading through the house towards their roomy kitchen. You know you’re expected to follow. You reach to take the food back from Jin, shooting him a thankful smile. Your fingers brush as you take the bag, and you drop your gaze, hurrying to follow the sound of Minji’s voice as it floats through the house. Seokjin stands in place as you leave, and you hope he doesn’t see you shudder against goosebumps as you hurry away.

He’s had that effect on you since you were fourteen years old.

But that’s ancient history.

There’s a lot you want to ask him, starting with how long he’ll be in town, ending with… well. Not now. 

In the kitchen, Minji is trying to make room in the fridge for everything your mom sent over. You sit at the table, watching her absently, answering whenever her chatter pauses to ask you something. 

Jin joins you two wordlessly. He reaches over Minji’s head and then turns and holds out a beer bottle, offering it to you.

“Ooh, yes please,” you say, taking it from him. Minji looks up to see what you’re talking about and then nudges Jin’s shin - which is next to her head - to indicate that she wants one too. He sits across the table from you and sets a beer for Minji at the seat to his right. When she’s done in the fridge, she sits heavily next to her brother and they both look at you as they drink.

“So,” you say, because you have to say something about now, have to keep yourself from getting swept up in twenty-something years of memories that this house holds for you. “How’d the surgery go?”

“Great!” Minji beams. “The surgeons said it was exactly as expected. He’ll start physical therapy next week.”

“I’m glad to hear it,” you tell her genuinely. Mr. Kim was always important to you. You turn your attention to Jin, who’s downed half of his beer already. “Are you staying long?”

He nods, swallows, then answers. “A few weeks, probably,” he tells you. “I got approval to work remotely through the end of the month. Hopefully by then he’ll be back to a point where he doesn’t need someone here 24/7, and Minji can just pop in on him…” 

He trails off, his eyes going over your shoulder, watching a few birds hop from the bird feeder to the deck railing. The deck railing where you’d hung wet bathing suits to dry on never-ending summer afternoons, where you’d placed soda cans with rivulets of condensation running down their sides, where you’d leaned with Minji as you talked about boys and school and boys again, where you’d buried your hands in Seokjin’s hair as he’d - nope. 

Not going there. Not unless you want to drown.

“Do you want to eat dinner with us?” Minji asks, throwing you a life preserver by dragging you back to the present. 

“Ah,” you say, letting your regretful tone do the answering for you. “I’d like to, but… I should get home.”

I should get out of this house, you think. I should get away from your brother. 

She grins at you slyly. “Got that man to feed?”

You laugh in surprise. Seokjin is suddenly very interested in the label on the beer he’s almost finished. 

“No,” you say. “He’s out of the picture.”

Minji narrows her eyes at you, assessing. “We don’t seem sad,” she observes finally. 

You shake your head. “We aren’t sad,” you confirm. Jin gets up wordlessly and opens the fridge again, reaching for a second beer. His shoulders take up almost the whole space. You try not to notice, try not to think about the muscles of those shoulders rippling under your fingertips - enough. Enough, now.

You stand, needing the escape, needing to get away, draining the rest of your beer in one long drag that would make your college-self proud.

“Listen,” you say to the room at large, to both of them, after placing the empty bottle back on the table, “call me if you need help, okay? My place isn’t far. I can pop over if you need an extra pair of hands, or a break, or some errands handled. Okay?”

Seokjin’s still hiding in the refrigerator, taking a million years to choose between two of the same beer. Minji, oblivious, takes your hand gratefully.

“Thank you,” she says warmly, giving you a squeeze. 

You start to head back towards the front door, Minji still clutching your hand. 

“Bye, Seokjin,” you say over your shoulder.

He glances up at you around the open refrigerator door.

“See you,” he says. There’s something hollow in his voice. 

You get it, though. 

The last time the three of you were here together, two years ago, he’d welcomed in the New Year buried inside you against the back of their house, gasping your name against the inky dark of the frigid December night.

You’ve never told a soul, and you don’t think he has, either.

You’ve never talked about it at all.

You and Minji spent New Year's Eve out at bars and clubs together almost every year. The year you were twenty-six, though, something had changed. Suddenly, the idea of vying for bar space, in heels, for overpriced drinks and sleazy dudes seemed abysmal. 

“We could stay in,” Minji had suggested. “Pretend we’re sixteen, sneaking booze into dad’s basement again? Seokjin is back in town for the week because he dumped that shitty girlfriend of his for the sixth time, might be kind of fun to all hang out.”

You’d pretended to dislike the idea, grimacing a little as you thought it over. Your brain snagged on dumped his shitty girlfriend. 

“Come on,” she’d said cajolingly. “We can put on 90’s music and play card games, like we used to.”

You knew the whole time that you’d go; all you needed to know was that Seokjin would be there. Since he’d left for college, he only came home twice a year - Christmas holidays, and over summer breaks. Since he'd moved far, even those weren't promised.

Minji ended up with a small crowd - a few that you were friends with in high school, but most of them you thought were friends of her brothers. 

You’d spent most of the night trying to avoid staring at Jin - or at least avoid getting caught staring. It had been about two years since you’d seen him last - four years since he moved away. He was twenty-eight to your twenty-six that year, and you weren’t sure if it was the way he was aging or if it was the tequila, but he seemed - somehow - even more handsome than you remembered. 

It had gotten more and more difficult as the night went on to focus - on conversations, on card games, on how to balance as you walked; your brain wanted to spend its energy cataloging the quirk of his full lips when you said something funny, his windshield-wiper laugh when Minji dropped a whole tray of lemon slices she’d spent twenty minutes cutting, the strip of bare skin his shirt revealed when he bent down to help her pick them up. It was like your brain was trying to soak up every little detail of him that it could after so many years of distance, of him being somebody you used to be close to.

Eventually, you’d retreated to the back deck, alone, just minutes before midnight. Outside, the noise of the party fell away, and you took in deep gulps of cold air, your hands gripping the splintery wood of the railing. 

When the door opened behind you, you expected Minji. Instead, Seokjin stood there, staring at you like he’d asked you a question and was waiting for an answer. 

Maybe, in his own way, he had. Maybe it had been all the quick glances he’d given you that night. Maybe it had been the way he’d stuck close, listening when you talked, smiling wryly when you cracked jokes. Maybe it had been the way his eyes had followed you from room to room, the way his fingers had tightened around his glass when you bent down to grab one of the wayward lemon slices.

You’d stared back at him, unsure what the right move was. This was Minji’s brother, and you’d promised her almost fifteen years ago to never get tangled up with her family. This was Minji’s brother, who had bought you girls beer before you were old enough, who had once driven to pick you up from the mall on a rainy day when your date had gone badly. This was Minji’s brother who’d once held your hand in the backseat of your dad’s car as you sobbed over a broken wrist, who’d often let you sit and watch him play video games even after he’d told Minji to bug off and leave him alone.

This was Seokjin, who was staring at you so intently that for a moment you weren’t sure if he hadn’t asked you something.

“Seokjin?”

His eyes met yours.

“Explain to me how you got even more beautiful?” he’d murmured, and your heart had leapt into your throat.

“I - what?”

He was close enough to touch. You’d dreamed of this for so long - pathetically long, really. You’d never dreamed that he’d want you.

He stepped closer, and you did touch him - one hand acted without permission, coming up and resting lightly on his chest, over his heart. It had thumped beneath your tentative fingers. 

Your fingers had curled in the material of the thick hoodie he’d been wearing, had pulled him just closer.

And then his mouth was on yours, searing, and your hands were in his hair, and that deck railing was pressing into your lower back as he pinned you against it, and one of his hands was creeping beneath the hem of your shirt, and you could feel him hardening against your lower stomach, and -

And through the window, you could see the party carrying on.

You broke the kiss, pushed gently on his forearm to extract his sneaky hand from inside your shirt.

“They can see us,” you’d gasped, and he’d followed your gaze somewhat dumbly, like it hadn’t occurred to him that everyone else existed in the same place as the two of you.

Then he’d taken your hand, pulling you down the deck steps, away from the glow of light from the house’s windows, down into the darkness, where witnesses would have to work a little harder to see what was going on.

He’d pressed you against the wall of the house, beneath the deck, and as you’d tipped your head back to allow him access to nip and soothe lines up and down your neck you’d thought of all the summer nights you’d spent in this exact spot. This is where the keg usually goes, you’d thought absently as that sneaky hand returned to the bare skin of your belly beneath your sweater.

You hadn’t felt even remotely cold, despite the threat of snow in the air. 

You’d kissed until your lips hurt and you wanted it to hurt just a little more, your hands starting to toy with the waistband of his jeans as his thumb rubbed determined circles around your puckered nipple beneath the fabric of your bra. 

“Tell me what you want,” he’d said, the words mumbled against your lips. He’d pulled back just enough, just enough to watch your face as you told him -

“Anything. Everything. All of it… all of you.”

His hand had traveled up the back of your thigh, beneath your skirt, fingers pushing the cotton of your panties aside before stroking through your center. You’d moaned, low, aware that anyone could come out onto the deck above you without warning. His breath had hitched in response, and his hand had left your pussy long enough to tug you to him again, pressing you against his hips for just a second before returning. This time he didn’t toy with you, pressing his index finger into your messy heat, followed quickly by a second digit.

You’d mouthed his name against his jaw, trying to keep yourself upright as he pressed you against the brick of the house, as he pumped his fingers leisurely, fingertips rubbing circles against your front wall until he found the place that made you gasp and buck against his hand. He’d laughed, asked, “Yeah?” in a cocky voice you’d never heard on him before. It’d made you, impossibly, wetter. 

“You’re so fucking hot,” you’d whispered, half delirious, and he’d laughed again, like he knew already.

There had been a flash of foil between his teeth, the sound of his zipper echoing across the frozen backyard, and then he was pushing inside you, fingers still wet from you now gripping your hip to keep you in place. 

You’d groaned in unison as he slowly bottomed out. The brick had bit at your back, the winter air had bit at your face, and Seokjin had bit at your lower lip as he pounded into you steadily. 

It had been hurried. It had been hushed. 

Your name on his lips when he came took the air from your lungs.

You’d wanted this, wanted him, in silence for as long as you could remember. Before you had words to put to it, before you were old enough to understand why your stomach hurt when he left the room. 

It had hurt, after. The scrapes from the brick wall. Your sore hamstrings. Your chapped, cracking lips. 

His silence.

You’d both missed the countdown. Happy New Year.

You don’t know what you had expected after seeing Seokjin at his dad’s house unexpectedly. Apparently, some foolish part of your subconscious thought he’d reach out to you, because you find yourself disappointed when he doesn’t.

Stupid, you think. I don’t know what you were thinking. Aside from that one slip on New Year’s Eve two years ago, you’d done a stellar job at orbiting Seokjin in silence, keeping your feelings under control and out of sight, never pushing yourself into his path but never letting him stray so far as to forget you, either. Nothing’s changed. 

You tell yourself this for two days, until Minji’s name lights up your phone as you’re packing up from work on Thursday evening, your stomach growling and your feet aching to get out of their heels. 

“Yeeees?” you answer her as you power down your laptop and cast your gaze around your cubicle for anything else that needs to come home with you.

“Are you still at work?” she asks, sounding a little breathless, a little irritated.

“Packing up right now,” you tell her, rising and pulling your bag onto your shoulder. You give Dale, your cubicle-mate, a silent wave goodbye and head for the elevators. “What’s up?”

“I tried your mom first, but your parents are apparently out to dinner tonight,” she says. “Is there any way you can swing by my dad’s? I think Seokjin is having a hard time with dad, and I’m stuck here at least another two hours -.”

“No problem,” you tell her, cutting off her explanation. It isn’t needed. “I’ll head there now. Tell him I’ll be like…” You glance at your watch for the time, “...twenty-five minutes, tops, if traffic is bad.”

“You’re a saint,” she breathes in relief. “Thank you. Seriously, thank you. I’ll get there as soon as I can. I promise I’ll hurry. Did I tell you that deal with Mr. Lee fell through? I have been non-stop -”

“Don’t worry about it,” you tell her, meaning it. “I’m happy to help. I’ll be there soon. See you later, okay?”

You grew up on a dead end. You never tell people that, now. You always fancy it up if it’s brought up in conversation - you call it a cul-de-sac, though it isn’t according to the yellow sign that marks where you turn left to reach your parents’ house. 

Every inch of this street is steeped in memories for you - memories of growing up with Minji and Seokjin, running wild through these streets whenever the weather allowed it, learning to ride a bike, having snowball fights and water balloon fights and - once - even a foodfight. Thinking of your childhood with those two, you think mostly of chaos and laughter. 

You miss it, a little, and that’s only a little bit nostalgia talking. Maybe the lack of chaos is nice, but the lack of laughter kind of sucks. 

It takes Seokjin forever to answer the door when you knock. When he does, it’s evident immediately why Minji had called for backup. 

He’s sick as a dog; his nose is red, cheeks flushed, eyes glassy and sleepy. 

“Minji sent me,” you explain. “She said you need help with your dad.”

“I don’t,” he protests, just a little whiny. “We’re fine. Why’d she call you? I told her we were fine.”

This clear untruth is punctuated by a fit of coughing. You purse your lips and raise an eyebrow, waiting. 

He shakes his head, recovering. “It’s just a cold,” he says, doubling down. “I’m sorry you drove all the way here, but I don’t need help. I was just about to help Dad get showered - I need to get back up there, he’s waiting.”

He starts to turn to go, but you reach out, catching his sleeve. He turns, brows furrowing in frustration, but you cut him off.

“Jin,” you say seriously, “come on. I came here to help. What needs to be done? Do you want me to start heating up dinner while he showers?”

He sags back against the wall behind him, raising one hand to rub wearily over his brow, his eyes, down over his mouth. You let his sleeve slip between your fingers and you wait as his resolve cracks. 

He sighs heavily, eyeing the ceiling. “Could you strip his bed and put on clean blankets? So when he’s done showering, I can put him back in a clean bed?”

“Absolutely,” you say, relieved that he’s delegated a task. He leads you upstairs silently. Your feet remember the way to Mr. Kim’s bedroom. You weren’t often allowed to play in there as kids, but you have to pass it to get to Minji’s room; you think you could walk the path in your sleep.

Halfway up the stairs, you pause, stopping by one of the dozens of framed photos on the wall. You smile, putting your finger on the glass. 

At the top of the stairs Seokjin pauses, turns to see why you stopped. Something on his face softens when he sees. 

“Yeah,” he says. “That one’s still up.”

You give him a small smile. The photo your finger rests on is a group shot with blue water meeting blue sky as the backdrop. 

Mr. Kim stands in the middle, beaming, one arm around Minji and the other around Seokjin. Minji’s little brother Jungkook - only a year behind you girls in school - sits on the ground at Seokjin’s feet, grinning with a scrunched nose. You’re behind Minji, peeking around her shoulders, your eyes closed as you laugh. You’re all kids in the picture - Seokjin, as the oldest, is probably around ten. 

You’d been shy to be included in the picture, but Mr. Kim had told you that you were one of his kids in spirit if nothing else. You’d all been at the lake that day. Seokjin had been the one who made you and Jungkook laugh as the camera snapped. You remember it like it was yesterday. After the picture had been taken, you girls and Seokjin had dug a hole in the sand and buried Jungkook up to his neck. You’d splashed in the water, squealing over the slimy rocks that lined the lake’s floor. Later, you’d all eaten thick slices of watermelon, the juice dripping on your bare legs as the summer sun set over the horizon, the four of you sitting in a row on the picnic table bench like a matched set. You’d chased fireflies until Mr. Kim called your names, ready to pack you all into the car to return home, smelling like sunscreen and lakewater. 

It was one of your favorite memories, that whole day. 

You strip the blankets and sheets from Mr. Kim’s bed and toss them in the hamper. You collect a clean set from the linen closet in the hallway without needing to be told where they are. You spent as much time in this house as your own growing up. In the ensuite, you can hear the shower running, the low murmur of both men’s voices as they chat. You make the bed, fluffing the comforter, and then take the hamper down to the basement, where you dump them into the washer and get it started. 

When you head back upstairs, Seokjin is in the living room, slumped sideways on the couch, eyes closed. You’re not sure if he’s awake, if he knows you’re standing behind him. He has that hand pressed to his brow again, and you know a headache when you see it. 

You pad quietly up the stairs and into the hallway bathroom, where Mr. Kim used to keep all the over-the-counter stuff - bandaids, pain-killers, lozenges, even tampons back when Minji still lived here. 

Heading back downstairs, you grab a glass of water from the kitchen and find Seokjin exactly where you left him, pressing his face pitifully into the arm of the couch.

You nudge him gently, and hold out your offerings - fever reducer and the water. 

He grumbles as he takes them, pushing himself to a more upright position so he can drink from the glass without spilling.

When he sets the glass down, he looks over at you somewhat warily. “How have you been?” he asks, and there’s something resigned in his voice. Something defeated. You wonder what battle he’s lost, to make him sound like that. You feel - have always felt - that so much of what goes on in Jin’s mind is kept behind the curtain. For someone so loud, he’s the most private person you know.

“I’ve been fine,” you shrug. “Normal.”

He looks sideways at you for a long moment. “Is that a lie?” he asks finally, voice low. 

“No,” you say, trying to keep your voice light. It isn’t, right? You’ve been fine. What happened between you was two entire years ago, the lid closing tightly on a lifetime of maybes. You’d had your moment together and it hadn’t led to anything. What choice did you have, but to accept it and move on? So, there you have it. You’ve been fine.

You make the decision, right there, not to bring it up - what happened two years ago. His lips on yours, his body under your hands, the way your legs had trembled as they’d struggled to hold you up. Better to let it stay dead. If Seokjin had wanted to talk about it, he’s had two years and four months to do so. If he wants to pretend he didn’t fuck his sister’s best friend and then ghost her completely, who are you to mess with the plan? 

You need something sweet; you’re far too bitter.

But honestly, you can’t even hate him for it. He hadn’t promised you a thing, so logically there’s no reason to feel like a toy played with and discarded - even if you’re left wishing he had never picked you up to play with at all.

You look him over, taking in the sheen of sweat on his brow, the haze you can still see in his eyes. “You look like shit,” you tell him.

He lets out a single puff of a laugh, his eyes closed. “Now I know you’re lying,” he says, lips quirking into a smile. 

“You look like you have the flu,” you say flatly, ignoring his nonsense. 

“It’s just a cold,” he says.

You lapse into silence. He keeps his eyes closed, that hand still resting on his head. Finally, you say, “How about you? How’ve you been?”

He shrugs. “Been fine. Working. You know.”

A tiny smile tugs on your lips. “What are we playing these days?”

The smile creeps sideways across his face and he opens his eyes to actually look at you, sending you a conspiratory smirk. “Now you’re asking the right questions,” he says, and starts to tell you about a console game he got last week. 

You head to the basement when it’s time and move the sheets you were washing into the dryer. You pause in the doorway when you return upstairs, looking Seokjin over from afar. He looks better than he had when you’d arrived - eyes less glassy, cheeks less pink. 

“I think your fever’s down,” you say, as you return to where you’d been sitting before.

“I feel better than I did,” he agrees. He looks at you appraisingly, like he’s seeing you clearly for the first time. And, considering the fever, maybe he is. “So Minji said you live pretty close?”

You nod. “Not far. That apartment complex over behind the plaza with the grocery store? You remember, the one that we used to go trick-or-treating at?”

“Wow,” he says, giving an appreciative whistle. “Those are swanky.”

“I’m swanky these days,” you joke, smiling. 

Just then, there’s a soft beep from outside - someone locking their car.

“That’s Minji,” Seokjin observes, and you find yourself standing, feet carrying you towards the kitchen. 

“Do you need anything to drink?” you call over your shoulder. Jin is watching your sudden departure, clearly bemused. You busy yourself in their fridge, even though you don’t have a real reason to. You just didn’t want Minji to enter the house and find you and Jin having domestic hours on the living room couch.

The front door opens, and Minji calls your name through the house.

“I’m in here!” you call back, and head for the doorway of the kitchen. 

Minji hurries to you, setting her bags down on the kitchen floor and flopping dramatically onto the doorjamb. 

“I am so sorry,” she says. “Thank you so much for coming over.”

“Your brother’s sick,” you tell her flatly. “He had a pretty high fever when I got here.”

Her eyes widen, and she turns to look over her shoulder at Seokjin, who gives her a cheery thumbs up. 

“He says he’s fine,” you inform her, “but he’s got about two more hours before the fever-reducer wears off and then he’s gonna be useless again.”

“Thank you for the warning,” she tells you, while Seokjin squawks from the living room, “I am not, and have never been, useless!” 

You give Minji a quick hug goodbye and head for the front door. 

You meet Seokjin’s eyes as you pass through the living room. They’re sharp, now that the fever’s receded, locked on you and looking. 

“Feel better,” you tell him. “Make sure you hydrate.”

“Hey,” he says, making himself comfortable against the couch cushions, “thanks.” Then, an afterthought - “Seriously. Thank you.”

You give him a tight smile and slip out the front door.

Going home doesn’t stop you from worrying, even though you know Minji is home and capable of taking care of everything. But at work the next day, your eyes keep darting to your phone screen, as if you’re expecting updates on how Jin is feeling, if everything is okay at the house. 

No one texts you. 

You can’t ask Minji. She’s too fucking smart. If you so much as said, “Hey, is your brother feeling better?” she’d be all over it. 

You try your mom instead, texting her, “How’s Mr. Kim doing? Any updates?” 

She answers, “Haven’t heard anything!”

You groan, tapping the corner of your phone on your desk in frustration. You try to focus on work for a little bit, but it’s truly a lost cause. With a defeated sigh, you open your phone and thumb through your contacts. 

Kim Seokjin. 

You’ve had his number in your phone since you got it - your mom was the one who programmed it in for you when you were fourteen, citing Jin as someone you could call if you had an emergency. As if by being two years your senior, he qualified as a helpful adult. 

You haven’t used his number in over five years - not since you were still in college, probably. 

Actually, you realize, you remember the last time - though there were definitely parts of the night you didn’t remember. 

It was your senior year, the first weekend of December, and you and Minji were drinking in some girl’s dorm. You’d never even met this girl before, but there you were, perched on her desk with a bottle of flavored vodka in hand, watching her LEDs change color along the ceiling.

You and Minji were both wasted, even though it was relatively early - not even midnight yet. You leaned against each other, holding the other up, both of you giggling and tapping around on your phones as the conversation flowed around you.

That’s what had happened - you’d noticed it was about to be midnight, the clock about to change from 11:59. And despite being so drunk that Minji was mostly propping you up, so drunk that you had to close one eye to read the letters of this girl’s alarm clock, so drunk that you’d be throwing up in just minutes - a little part of you brain informed you that midnight meant it was officially December 4th. 

You’d texted Seokjin happy birthday at exactly midnight, one eye closed to make sure you were typing actual words. He was hundreds of miles away, had graduated and moved out already, and you hadn’t talked since the day the Kims had loaded all of his shit into a rented moving van, about five months ago. 

And he’d answered - “thank you! what are you doing up??”

To which you’d replied, “getting baja blasted with your sister” and he’d replied, “i do not want to know, thank you!!”

And then Minji had looked at you drunkenly and narrowed her eyes. “Who are you texting with that smile?”

The floor had swooped below your feet, and you’d run for the bathroom. Minji had forgotten about interrogating you, and you and Seokjin had never texted again.

Now, at your job, you stare at his name on your phone screen, wracked with indecision. 

“This is ridiculous,” you finally sigh. Behind you, Dale glances over his shoulder to determine if you’re talking to him or yourself. Ignoring Dale, you tap Seokjin’s name and type, “how are you feeling today?”

You don’t even have time to feel nervous about it - his response is almost instantaneous. He sends you a picture of a gaming screen, where he’s clearly playing a shooter POV. He follows it up with the sunglasses emoji. You laugh out loud, trying to keep your chuckles quiet to avoid calling attention to your cubicle. 

“What a nerd,” you mutter affectionately. You type back, “you must be fine then 🙄”. 

Seokjin’s played video games his whole life; it’s one thing you do know about him. How many hours of your childhood had been spent with him, Jungkook, and Minji crowded around the tv in their basement, fighting over whose turn it was to play?Usually Seokjin got to play the first controller (since he was older, stronger, and technically the console belonged to him), which left you and Minji and Jungkook to fight it out over the second one.

But you remember other times, too - especially as you got older - when you’d just sit in silence and watch him play. By the time you were a teenager - fourteen to Jin’s sixteen - Minji was over wanting to join him. She’d argue for use of the tv, and when she lost she’d flounce upstairs to her room to sulk about it. Sometimes you’d join her - usually, you’d join her. But sometimes you’d cast a glance at Seokjin, see if you were welcome. He’d always play it the same - look at you sideways, give you a tiny nod, pat the couch behind him like an invitation. (Seokjin played video games from the floor, letting the base of the couch prop him up. He said he focused better that way.) 

You’d sit, quiet, watching him work the controls, listening to him whine and groan and complain and shout his way through each map. And you’d feel special, because he let you stay after he’d told Minji to fuck off, because he didn’t mind your presence, because sometimes he’d ask if you wanted him to teach you how, even though you always said no thanks. 

You text your mom and ask what she’s making for dinner.

“Why?” she sends back. “Are you asking me to feed you?”

“Maybe,” you send back. 

You join your parents for dinner, “just because”. It’s not that uncommon for you to join them for a meal now and then, considering how close you live. You go because you love your parents and you want a home-cooked meal - definitely not because you know it puts you back in proximity to Jin.

Your mom glances up at you from across the table approximately every four-tenths of a second through the entire meal, until finally you slap your palm on the table and snap, “What?”

She purses her lips, amused. “Nothing,” she says, feigning innocence. “We just don’t usually see you on Friday nights.”

“Jagi,” your dad warns, his voice full of affection. Like he knows it’s a lost cause but he thinks he should try to rein her in for your sake. 

“I’m just saying!” she says, still all innocence, eyes wide. “I’m not complaining! It’s nice to have you here.”

You grumble a response, aggravated that she seems to be onto you. To escape their scrutiny, you rise and move to bag up the full garbage, tying the top of the bag and heading out to the trash cans at the end of the driveway. 

You pause there after hefting the bag up and into the bin, taking a second to breathe. It’s a nice night - the sun has mostly set, the sky deep and dark above you but still clinging to shades of pink down near the horizon. It’s warm, too, for April. 

You’re standing there, arms crossed, watching the sky inch closer and closer to darkness, when you hear a door shut across the street. Your eyes follow the sound immediately, and you see a man’s silhouette do the same thing you were doing - make its way down the driveway, a trash bag in hand. 

Romantic, you think wryly. A garbage date. You stay rooted to the spot, watching as Jin - just an outline, a shadow - tosses the bag into the bin and brushes off his hands. Then, he stops still, seeming to notice you.

You hold your breath, not sure how this will go, and then he starts to lope over, and you exhale in a whoosh.

“Hi,” he says simply, as he gets close enough that you can finally see his face through the dark.

“Hi,” you say around a tiny smile. “You seem better today.”

He scoffs. “I told you it was just a cold. I just needed to sleep it off.”

“I’m glad,” you tell him softly. Maybe it’s dangerous, maybe it’s stupid - to be soft with him. To act like you didn’t already get your answer from him, years ago. To pretend your affection for him is still as pure and untainted as it was when you were a teenager. 

But it feels safer, out here, away from his dad’s house. In there, the memories of that New Year’s Eve are too fresh, too strong - they cling to the air, slide down the walls. The heating unit sighs to life and you hear your own sighs as Seokjin’s fingers danced along your bare skin. The refrigerator grumbles and you hear the grumble of pleasure that originated low in Seokjin’s throat as he felt you squeeze around his fingers. Someone’s footsteps crunch gravel outside, and you hear the crunch of gravel as Seokjin made his way back to the front of the house in the dark, leaving you hidden in shadows, clutching the bricks and gasping for breath.

It’s better out here. In the fresh air, away from that house, the memories are looser, less focused - bike races, raucous laughter, chalk drawings, bouncing beams of light from flashlight tag.

“Thank you for the help yesterday,” he says, rubbing the back of his neck like he does when he’s embarrassed. “I know I kind of gave you a hard time.”

“You didn’t,” you say, letting him off the hook. You’ll always let him off the hook, for everything. You always have. “How’s your dad?”

He glances back at the house over his shoulder, like he needs to verify this answer before giving it. “Not so good today,” he admits. “He’s in a lot more pain, starting to get frustrated needing so much help.”

“Hmm,” you deadpan. “A Kim man who gets frustrated at needing help. Interesting.”

Seokjin laughs, full from his belly. “Shut up,” he says, but there’s no ire in it. “Can I help it if I’m a chip off the ol’ block?”

“We’re supposed to learn from our parents’ mistakes,” you tell him, like a reminder. “Not continue them.”

Just then, a car turns around the corner, the headlights casting you in blinding white light before throwing you back into shadow. You both turn to look - since it’s a dead end, traffic doesn’t just pass through here. 

You recognize the car - it’s Minji’s. She parks and pops out, calling hello to you, ignoring her brother. He makes a face at you like, what am I, chopped liver? 

“I have your mom’s tupperwares, do you want to take them?” she asks, pressing the lock button on her key fob and making the car behind her beep once, loudly. 

“Sure,” you say, following her into the house. A glance over your shoulder tells you that Seokjin is following, too, a few feet behind you, his hands in his pockets. 

Inside, Mr. Kim is sitting sideways on the couch, his leg propped up on a small stack of pillows, a bag of ice over his knee. He perks up when he sees you, lowering his phone away from his face and pushing his spectacles further up his nose. 

“How are you, sweetheart?” he asks. “I’d come hug you, but -.” He gestures at his leg.

“I’m doing fine,” you assure him. “I heard you had a rough day today.”

Mr. Kim shoots a dark look at his son, who looks innocently at the ceiling. “Just a little pain today,” Mr. Kim demures.

Seokjin glances at his phone. “We might want to get you upstairs soon,” he tells his father. “You know you’ll be asleep in about fifteen minutes, so unless you want to spend the night on the couch…”

You watch, feeling awkward and unable to help, as Seokjin helps his dad swivel and stand, an arm over Seokjin’s shoulders. They make their way slowly and laboriously up the stairs, and you feel a little anxious watching. 

“Are they okay?” you ask Minji as she returns from the kitchen, pushing your mother’s empty tupperware back into your hands.

“They’re fine,” she says easily. “It takes a while but they’ve got it down to a science. Hey, listen, do you want to go grab a drink? It’s Friday, and I’ve had a hell of a week, and what I would really like to do is Uber into town and drink like college-Minji.”

You laugh at this. “I’m not sure I’m prepared for the return of college-Minji.”

“Pleaaaaaaaase?” she begs, blinking her lashes at you. “We haven’t gone out together in ages.”

“Alright, alright,” you laugh. “Let me go tell my parents goodbye and drive home and change. Text me the details and I’ll meet you there.”

“Yessss!” she cries, dancing in place a little. You feel a swell of affection for her; you love Minji with your whole heart. You’ve been through a lot together. You’ve been through a lot separately, but always side by side.

There have been many times through your life where you felt like you were clutching Minji’s hand through the fire. 

You still remember clearly the way she’d bounded up to your locker, back when you were thirteen, squealing and excited because the most popular girl in your year had asked her for her number, had invited her over. 

You still remember clearly Minji sobbing on your bed weeks later when it came to light that the girl - who wouldn’t be the last to try - was just trying to get an “in” with Minji’s hot older brother.

“You know I would never, right?” you’d promised her. Stupid, at fourteen, not clarifying that you mean never use you to get to him. Stupid, because then you were sixteen and then eighteen and then twenty-one and then twenty-six and you weren’t sure what you had actually promised - had Minji heard it as I would never get involved with him? 

“I know,” she’d sobbed, reaching one hand blindly to clutch at yours. “I know you wouldn’t.”

And now you’re twenty-eight and the secrets you’ve kept keep piling up - each day you loved him, another pebble atop the pile. The slightest shake could topple the tower, and you’d be absolutely buried. 

You could never let Minji know you loved him. Not when you were fifteen and he was untouchable. Not when you were twenty, and he was the best part of coming home. Not when you were twenty-six, pressed between him and the deck railing. 

Not now, after two years of existing outside his orbit again. 

The bar she picks is small, but quiet - quiet enough that you can actually carry on a conversation from opposite sides of a wooden booth, which is exactly what you do.

What you hadn’t banked on was that Seokjin would join her, sitting on her side of the booth, complaining loudly that he’s not going to come out with you two ever again, he’s never been such a third wheel in his life.

“You could have stayed home with dad,” Minji says, giving him a swift elbow to the ribs. “Don’t be such a complainer. You jumped in on my plans.”

“Can we please talk about something besides your hot coworker, then?” he begs. “Anything, anything else.”

“We could talk about my hot coworkers,” you offer, even though you have none. But this - teaming up with Minji to push Seokjin’s buttons - is a song and dance you know by heart, something you’ve done since practically infancy.

He narrows his eyes at you. “Believe it or not, that’s not better,” he deadpans. 

You laugh, knocking back the rest of your drink and sliding out of the booth to go get another, leaving the Kim siblings to bicker in your absence.

You don’t expect Seokjin to follow; you don’t expect him to press up behind you as you stand at the bar, waiting for the bartender’s attention. 

But he does, his body heavy and warm against yours. The blood rushes to your pussy so fast it almost makes you mad. All he’s doing is standing in close proximity, can your body get it together?

“What are you doing?” you murmur, trying not to meet his eyes in the mirrored wall behind the bar.

“Minji wants shots,” he answers easily. Like his body isn’t pressed against yours, like he isn’t causing your heart to hammer against your ribs.

“You’re too close,” you manage to say, because it’s the best option you can think of. Better than she’ll see us. Better than you still aren’t close enough. Better than don’t do this if you’re just going to leave again. 

He does catch your eyes in the mirror, then. He must read something honest on your face, because he shifts sideways, leaving you cold. The bartender comes by, takes both your orders. You take your drink back to the table. Seokjin follows with a tray of bad decisions poured into tiny glasses.

Even though he gave you the reprieve when you asked for it, it’s clear he’s got a mission to ruin you. You’re sure of it, more and more sure as the night wears on. Sure of it when you reach for the same shot glass, your fingers brushing, his lingering. Sure of it when his eyes on your face make you so warm that Minji accuses you of having a drunk flush. Sure of it when his foot hooks around your ankle beneath the table, slides up and down your calf, slow and tantalizing, inches from Minji’s stilettoed feet. Sure of it when this causes your breath to hitch and his fingers tighten around his glass and his gaze goes to the opposite wall, anywhere but towards you.

You’re drunk, but it’s Seokjin that’s sending you spinning. 

You’ve made this mistake before, you remind yourself sternly. Nothing good can come of it. 

You excuse yourself and head for the bathroom, a marked up door at the end of a narrow, poorly lit hallway. You grip the sides of the sink and breathe deep, closing your eyes. The room sways and you press your forehead to the mirror, trying to ground yourself. 

“You cannot fuck him again,” you whisper to yourself, eyes still closed. “It wouldn’t mean anything even if you did.”

The alcohol catches up to you as you whisper these words; the truth of them slam you harder than normal. You blink away tears, taking a few shuddering breaths.

“Time to go home,” you tell yourself firmly, turning off the water and wiping quickly under your eyes in case any makeup ran. 

This is what it means to be in Seokjin’s orbit, now: to crash into each other, to fight with yourself - fight with the truth that he doesn’t want you, and then run away scared until he’s too far away to hurt you again. Spin idly along until the next time your circles cross paths. Do it again.

He’s in the hallway when you emerge, arms crossed as he leans against the wall. You have to pass him to get back to the table. He pushes off the wall when he sees you coming, stumbles a little. A tiny, sensible part of your brain whispers that he might be drunker than you are as you sidle into his personal bubble.

“What are you doing, Seokjin?” you ask him for the second time that night. 

His eyes comb your face. You don’t know what answer he’s looking for, what question he’s secretly asked you in his mind. 

“You tell me,” he retorts, which doesn’t make a lot of sense, but speaking somehow brought him looming closer and you’re drowning in the smell of him, the warmth of him, the desire to feel his body hard against yours again, to feel him split you open again, to have his mouth hot on your skin again -

You close your eyes, sag a little. His hands come to your elbows quickly, holding you up. “You’re confusing me,” you whisper, and then look up at him through your lashes. 

There’s something aching on his face, and then he whispers back, “I’m sorry. Y/N, I’m so sorry - I never meant -.”

The click-clack of high heels approach and round the corner. You and Seokjin leap apart like you’re burned, your arms tingling where his fingers had been.

It’s not Minji. The stranger murmurs an apology and brushes past you both, towards the bathroom.

Spooked, startled out of the moment, you turn to head back to the bar, back to Minji. 

Seokjin grabs your arm, pulls you back. You teeter back a step, then look at him expectantly as you regain your balance.

Seriously, so seriously, he tells you, “I swear, I never wanted to hurt you.” Then he releases your arm with a tiny push, guiding you back out of the dirty hallway and into the light.

You Uber home alone. You brush your teeth, remove your makeup. You change into pajamas, drink a glass of water. 

You wake up to your phone buzzing incessantly next to your head.

[10:14 AM] Jin 😎: oh [10:14 AM] Jin 😎: my god [10:14 AM] Jin 😎: i think i am dead? [10:15 AM] Jin 😎: are you dead too? are we ghosts? [10:15 AM] Jin 😎: can ghosts throw up??? 🤔

You giggle despite your own headache. 

[10:15 AM] You: whats wrong old man, you can’t hang anymore?? [10:16 AM] Jin 😎: WOW [10:16 AM] You: 😇

You check all your other socials, answer a few emails, and then finally drag yourself out of bed and head for a hot shower. As you stand beneath the hot water, you think about your first hangover, when you were sixteen. 

You’d woken up next to Minji on her basement floor, a hoodie balled up beneath your head like a pillow. You’d closed your eyes again, hoping the splitting pain in your head and the roiling adrenaline in your stomach were a bad dream. 

They were not.

You spent most of the next hour in the basement’s tiny bathroom, curled up on the floor next to your porcelain jail. When you felt like you could stand, you rinsed your mouth and pulled the pillow-hoodie onto your body, taking comfort in the way it swam on you, the hemline brushing your thighs just below your cutoffs. 

You’d made your way upstairs, hoping to sneak past Mr. Kim and your own parents and make it unscathed to your own bed. You wanted nothing but to sleep for the next fourteen hours. Or years. 

You got busted at the top of the stairs. Luckily, it was Seokjin bustling around the kitchen, not his father.

He had taken one look at you and started laughing, low in his belly. “Too much fun?”

“Shut up,” you’d whined, literally covering your ears against the noise. “Or I will throw up again, I promise.”

Jin had smiled at you, open and easy. “Sit down, kid,” he’d said kindly, jerking his head towards the kitchen table. “I have an age-old remedy.” 

And actually? It had worked.

After drying your hair and throwing on some jeans and a t-shirt, you scavenge your kitchen. You have most of what you need, and you toss it all into a tote bag and hunt for your keys. You finally find them on the floor next to the kitchen counter - chances are you’d tossed them at the counter last night and missed - and head out.

Your parents are home when you let yourself in. They both stare at you, baffled, then exchange a sly, knowing look.

“You’re back, I see,” your mom says, something sneaky in her tone.

“Do you have any bean paste?” you answer. “I’m going to go make Minji hangover soup.”

Only one word was a lie.

This makes your mom laugh, and she rummages in her cabinets and helps you complete the list of ingredients you need. 

The Kims’ front door is locked, so you make your way around the side of the house and fish the key out of its hiding spot, letting yourself in the side door that leads to the kitchen. 

The house is still and quiet, and you try not to clang any pots and pans as you get to work. When you finish, over an hour later, you set up the table - a bowl of hangover soup, and a mug of steaming hot coffee, black.

You text Seokjin, “come to the kitchen”, and set your phone back down, turning to start on the dishes. 

You’re informed of his presence by his laugh. You turn, hands red under the hot water and covered in suds, to see him sitting down at the spot you’d set up. He looks up at you, amazed, an uncertain smile playing across his face. 

“It’s an age-old remedy,” you tell him seriously.

“You are…” he trails off with a quiet laugh and reaches for the coffee. 

You’d love to know the end of that sentence. 

When you finish the dishes - save for the pot with the remaining soup, still on the stove for when Minji wakes up - you pour your own mug of coffee and sit across from Jin, watching as he finishes his soup. He closes his eyes and sighs happily, then sets down his spoon reverently.

“Thank you,” he says, like a prayer, but also like a joke. “That was so needed.”

“Consider it payback,” you tell him. 

It feels different, sitting across the kitchen table. Different than sitting across that booth at the bar. Less charged. Like it wasn’t something physical burning between you, like you’d thought, but the need for catharsis, for apology. Even if you don’t know what he’s sorry for, even if you still don’t know what exactly happened with him two years ago.

He’s thinking about it too, apparently. He says your name quietly, and you look up to meet his eyes. You can read the apology all over his face. The house is still still and quiet, no one awake but you and Jin. Like no one exists but you and Jin.

You’ve felt that way before.

Sitting beside him in the basement. In the passenger seat of his car, driving through a rainstorm. In his backyard, in the dark, your breath visible in the air as it leaves your mouth in desperate puffs.

“I kind of wanted to talk,” he admits, and your stomach twists. Maybe you should have had some of the soup. “About -?”

“There’s nothing to talk about,” you say quickly, already standing, already moving to gather up the tote bag you’d used to carry ingredients. You shrug back into your jacket, ignoring Jin’s wide-eyed look of surprise. “I should get going,” you say, still not looking at him. You go back to the kitchen door you’d entered through, picking up the key so you can return it to its hiding place outside. You pause on the threshold, turning, eyeing the stovetop thoughtfully. 

“Tell Minji you made the soup,” you instruct, and then you close the door behind you. 

Thank you so so much for reading - i hope you like this one as much as I do! Please don't feel shy about letting me know what you think!

Part 2: Retrograde will post next Friday, June 2nd. Hope to see you there!

[moonlightperseus]

I don't know how I didn't mention the Old Guard comics tbcfh, especially since I think I only watched the movie because of you. I completely understand not liking the art style (I didn't either) but they are honestly really good- (personally, I didn't like the movie at first (I hate movies in general and I think that's why) but then I read the comics and I was like "this is great actually this is perfect." And now I like the movie).

Image also did The Walking Dead Comics, I haven't read them and I don't watch the show but just generally that's a big name for them.

The Paper Girls comics are also very good, the show doesn't really follow them? Which isn't surprising but don't be surprised. (like the scene with Mac and her brother in the car from the show? I would die for that scene, but it doesn't exist in any way shape or form in the comics)

And Saga is definitely a different Genre, It's one of the most popular like ever (to the point my shitty bookstore sells the individual issues when they come out, which it never does, and even the workers were like "we sell these?") But that's more of a general "this is a good comic" rec then a "I think you specifically would enjoy this" rec so I understand.

And I also completely understand falling out of love with comics a little. Hopefully these help. I also constantly am like "maybe I don't like comics anymore. Maybe I'm done." And then I go feral for black canary and I'm like "...nevermind."

nonny! so sorry i meant to respond to this yesterday and then ended up crashing when i got home from work and have been busy w work again today.

(decided to put the rest under the cut bc i got a bit rambly as i tend to do lmao)

its not so much "falling out of love" with comics as it is "getting distracted by life/other things" i think i enjoy media like one might enjoy some really cool rocks and make a rock collection, i can sometimes forget some of my cool rocks in my collection when presented with a New Shiny Cool rock (is this a good metaphor? idk)

also omg i was the reason u watched the old guard? im so honored 🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰 ngl i do wish i could read the comics just for more content & also because they do genuinely seem GOOD i just. cant get past the art for some reason i cannot explain it i just. dont vibe with it. (maybe i could give tales through time a try bc im pretty sure that had a different art style??)

i did not entirely realize there were walking dead comics, but then again i barely got thru like 1 episode of walking dead when i tried, i remember noping out of trying the show after a graphic horse death?? i think? it's definitely not my speed, ngl i think zombie media kinda freaks me out a bit in general, though its more i think bc of my fear of being Chased/Hunted ? who knows lmao maybe its not that deep

also!! during my lunch break today i read the first comic in the new bop run and i am SO intrigued by it. as soon as sin was mentioned i was FULLY invested. i am SO curious why the amazons have her i need to know more! i know some hardcore comic fans can be touchy about bop lineup not including some of the core members but i think its always fun to mix it up a little plus this particular run doesnt seem to be erasing or dismissing dinah & babs' relationship which to me is the main thing (love dinahbabs, platonically & romantically) plus i just starting reading the 2000 batgirl run with cassandra cain so its fun seeing her in it, harley's always a hoot and i love her and dinah's general dynamic throughout comics (was it in the injustice world where that panel comes from of dinah & harley talking about motherhood??) and while im not super familar with big barda and i have never heard of zealot before im excited to learn more about them! also i loved the dinahollie interaction at the beginning <33 (i am a dinah multishipper first and foremost btw) and im fascinated by this particular bit with dinah's list of, badass heroes she knows but ruled out of recruiting for whatever reasons

the first side is Barbara, Vixen, Grace Choi, Huntress, Shiva, Selina, Talia, Cheshire. shiva through cheshire being extra scribbled out is so funny to me. other side is a little harder for me to figure out, theres Onyx(i think, had to google if there was even a dc character named onyx, which turns out there is!), almost positive the next one is Katana, and then possibly Manhunter? (kate spencer), Zatanna (which man. that would of been SO cool. i love zatanna. and black canary & zatanna bloodspell was SO good love their dynamic), the next one i got nothing for, all thats visible is "Black" with the other word hidden by dinah's hand, there are a lot of potentials though it kinda maybe looks like the second word starts with an A so after a brief google search maybe black alice??? is she even in the current dc universe? and then finally there's Fire/Ice, which, love that they are a unit not to be separated! i dont know a Whole lot about that duo but from what i do know i think they should be in lesbians with each other. i cannot wait for the next addition, thank you again for putting me on this run!

i think after i finish the 2000 batgirl run i will give injustice a try, and ive also discovered some other bop runs / one offs that im not entirely sure if i've read before that i may have to try out at some point bc i love women. im also sooo tempted to bring my physical comic collection back from my parents house when i go there this weekend and lowkey tempted to reread bombshells ajdslkjga. theres so many comics i would like to read why must there be adult responsibilities such as work.

anyways hope you're having a good day/past few days!! it was a delight seeing another message from you in my inbox!! 💖💖

[toffeespaceship]

ENTRY: 004

1st week in college

お久しぶりね！！

i’ve started my college for almost 2 weeks now, and so far it’s good. i am very happy with the facilities around here, and i am grateful that my dorm is so near to most of my classes. 

i gotta admit, i’m kinda sad that i’m pursuing my pre-u in matriculation college, because i was offered into 2 years programme in Life Science. keep in my mind that here, most of the people will get 1 year programme. so i feel a bit dumb bcs people tend to look down on SES (4 semester system) students. 

but on the bright side, SES’s schedule are less packed than SDS (2 semester system), and we learn the back to basics on our 1st year.

sometimes i’d like to think that God is giving me another chance to fix my mistake during SPM years, bcs i srsly do not cover up some of the basics during SPM. 

as a life science student, we’re studying Maths, Physics, Chemistry and Biology. for the 1st semester it is compulsory for all of us to take English as extra subject bcs during our 3rd semester (2nd year) we will be taking MUET (Malaysian University English Test)��

at my college, we need to be active in our co-curricular activities as it will contribute 10% in our finals exam, and that very marks will be needed in order to apply for university level. 

there are a lot of clubs and organisations that u can join in order to gain your co-curricular marks. currently i am my female class representative and i am looking foward to join much more activities! 

i’m not an active person so i am aiming for positions like secretary bcs i have 2 to 3 experience as a secretary during my high school year and i love managing stuff! and who knows if i’m lucky enough to be a sports team manager right? :)) 

so far, physics is the scariest bcss on the first day, she told us to stand up and name all of the derived quantities, AND I FORGOT! i didn’t even get the chance to name any bcs others alr took the opportunity. IT WAS SO EMBARASSING T-T 

she’s scary, i don’t really like her class honestly

biology. my biology teacher is a very detailed person, and i like her for that. she alr provide all of the materials for us, all we need to do is follow her instructions and study well. that’s all i can tell about her for now

chemistry. this is my 1st time getting a male teacher for chemistry. he likes to crack some jokes and he explain the concept using the terms that we all can understand :)) but i cannot fully say that i like his way of teaching YET. bcs i wanna see how he deliver the complicated topics to us. 

maths. surprisingly, I AM LOVING MATHS HERE! i like this teacher bcs she teaches us with full and detailed explanation as to why this number turn into the other stuff :)) she gave us lots of hw too but i don’t mind that bcs i do be needing lots of exercises T-T

uhh so far that’s all for now…

this is personal, but i am actually very lonely here :(( idk why, i just don’t feel connected to people around here. it’s so lonely but (sigh) i don’t care i guess…..

anyways, i’m planning to hit the library tomorrow to check on some of the reference book and consider if i should buy them or not :))

またね！！