#hits the griddy and goes crazy

[civetside]

i was watching top 13 real crypid sightings on youtube with a friend at like 1AM last night and she said this to me and i drew it

[underratedgrapeju1ce]

i wonder if sonic ever talked to shadow about what happened with other shadow...

sonics not a huge "talking about feelings" guy, but i imagine seeing shadow---even a fake version version of him---begging him for help as he deteriorates, would mess him up a bit

when the others ask where sonics been for the past few days, he brushes it off. free as the wind, remember! he does his own thing! but i dont think shadow would buy it.

he probably brashly interrogates sonic, assuming he was off being irresponsible. when sonic snaps that no one would believe him if he told them, that catches shadows attention.

he probably softens, just by a hair, and demands to know what REALLY kept him away. when sonic describes the Other world, shadow doesnt laugh, or tell him off for making up lies like sonic expected him to. and when he brings up the other maria, any trace of irritation in shadows demeanor is replaced with quiet shock.

little blurb under the cut. (i lied its like a whole ass chapter)

"...Told ya you wouldn't believe me," Sonic huffed a humorless laugh. "Chaos, it sounds even more insane when I say it out-"

"I believe you."

Sonic's hand paused where it was exasperatedly wiping down his face. Emerald eyes blinked up at Shadow, the gloved hand now hovering aimlessly in midair.

"...Huh?"

"Don't give me that idiotic look, hedgehog," Shadow seemed to snap, but his voice lacked any sharp, incriminating edge, "You're not remotely creative enough to come up with a lie that elaborate."

"There's a compliment hidden in there somewhere, I can feel it."

Shadow's round ear flicked in irritation, his eyes rolling and his shoulders heaving as he sighed. Ruby eyes closed, brows furrowed, carefully planning his next words.

"I know how you behave when you lie. This is not one of those instances."

There was silence, save for the far-off twittering of Flickies, muffled by the canopy of the forest. The sun was sinking now, casting orange flares in both hedgehogs' eyes. Sonic sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose.

"Well, nothing to do about it now," he mumbled, "I'm sorry I said anything. Doesn't have anything to do with you guys-"

"You said this world seemed to be some exaggerated form of paradise for you, to some extent?"

The blue hedgehog was a bit taken aback by how calmly and objectively Shadow was going about this, but... hey, it was Shadow. He balked for a moment, stammering his explanation.

"I... I mean, I-I guess? I'm not sure how creepy button eyes is an ideal lifestyle but-"

"I'm serious, hedgehog."

Sonic sighed again, averting his eyes to the ground.

"I..." Sonic laughed shortly, devoid of warmth, and threw his hand up in surrender, "Sure, yeah. I guess that's what the thing was going for, but obviously that creepy doll hellscape thing is not my idea of paradise. But Shadow, why is this-"

"Do you think I would be happier if Maria was here?"

Sonic's heart dropped to his feet, and he felt his veins run cold. His body was still for a moment, then he shrugged. Then he started to speak. Then he cut himself off. Then he put a hand to his face and stared at the grass through his fingers. The hedgehog noted how close the toe of his shoe was to crushing a small pink flower. He took a step backwards, then looked up.

"I-I don't know, would you?"

"I'm asking you, Sonic."

The blue hedgehog gave a huff through his nose, shoulders slumping in defeat.

"I mean," he spoke quietly, digging a fang into his lip, "I guess so? I feel like it's pretty natural to wish we didn't have to lose people we care about."

Sonic's thoughts flitted to his parents. He brushed it away for now.

Shadow looked thoughtful, deadpan, brows furrowed and eyes staring vaguely at the grass in front of him. Sonic didn't know why he felt like he was poking a grizzly bear. He knew he and Shadow had a tendency to compete rather than talk, so he supposed he expected the black hedgehog to dart off or hurl a Chaos Spear at his skull.

"I don't think I would be."

Sonic blinked in surprise, the tension dropping from his shoulders from when he'd braced himself for an attack. Shadow seemed surprised at his own answer.

"As dear as Maria is to me," the hybrid continued slowly, as if his words were an elaborate chess strategy, "As much as she would've loved this planet, and you---" Sonic felt a pang in his chest. "--what's done is done. If I could speak to her one last time, I would do so in an instant. But..."

Shadow looked solemn. He sighed again.

"It would be selfish of me, to undo the permanence of death. This planet is as dangerous and ruthless as it is beautiful. If people did not have mercy on the ARK, it would be no different here. Her illness would be expedited, and there would be nothing for me to do."

"But what if--"

"The best thing that I can do for Maria is keep this planet safe in her name. That is all."

Twilight now stained the sky softly purple, the faintest glimpse of stars beginning to flicker into existence, and the sinking light cast sunken shadows on the black hedgehog's tired face. Sonic figured talking like this was a fairly herculean effort. The chilled wind softly ruffled their quills. Instinctively, Sonic wanted to lighten the mood by making a jab about Doctor Frankenstein, or Night of the Living Dead, but taking one look at Shadow's exhausted face, he knew it wasn't the time.

The silence was tenuous, both hedgehogs unsure what to do with their feelings out in the open.

Sonic thought about how wrong the Other world had been, how uncanny and fundamentally terrifying it all was. He knew that thing, the puppet made of string and buttons and false fur...it wasn't really Shadow. But it still tried to help him. It was still Shadow's voice begging him not to leave, not to do this to him, not again. He knew the pain in its expression as the little girl in the blue dress unraveled was far from fake. As much as that fake world tried to create happiness, the only real, raw thing? Had been that pain.

Deep down, Sonic thought Shadow deserved to be a bit selfish, at least in this hypothetical, fantastic situation they'd created. And Sonic had the feeling that Shadow really, really wants to be as well. But, ever the realist, he doesn't even allow himself the fantasy. At least that's Sonic's guess. Maybe he's just projecting his savior complex again.

"Race ya home, faker?"

But Sonic also knows that living in a past as painful as Shadow's can be dangerous.

"You mean my home, or the fox's lab you sleep on the floor of?" Shadow smirks challengingly.

He's watched it consume Shadow before.

"That's a low blow!"

It's probably better off for both of them to just live in the present.

"Last one to Rouge's buys drinks?"

Shadow may not have his sister with him anymore, but, maybe the new normal isn't horrible.

"Oh, you're so on! I can taste my victory Shirley Temple already!"

"A Shirley Temple, are you a child?"

Maybe this freedom is what Maria wanted for him all along.

"You're gonna be crying like one when you lose!"

Shadow hmph's with a grin as his skates spark to life, glowing even brighter beneath the now inky black sky. With no warning, he darts off, leaving billowing ripples in the grass behind him. Sonic gapes for a moment, before his mind catches up and he peels away with an eager smile.

The blue hedgehog slows up near the end of their race, if only to see Shadow's victorious expression as Rouge opens the club door.

[hiphopinspector]

“How’s it goin down” - DMX

Album: It’s Dark and He’ll is Hot, 1998

It took me a while to realize that DMX was actually one of Hip-Hop’s overlooked legends. I’m pretty sure the first time I stumbled upon him was in the movie “Cradle 2 the Grave” where DMX and Jet Li played diamond thieves. What a combo. Movie soundtrack had “X Gon’ Give It To Ya” and ofcourse it bumped. But that still didn’t really do it for me. I couldn’t really rock with DMX until I developed a better ear for hip hop. At first I kinda just thought he screamed into the mic and had the couple songs I would play for the chorus then switch it. Took a couple years before I kinda got that ear for hip hop and appreciation of different styles and lyrics and got into it enough where I felt the need to listen to everything and know more about the artists and history and shit like that. 

Eventually I stumbled upon this song. I didn’t know he knew how to not yell let alone story tell and sound smooth, and it changed my entire view on him. After listening to this album countless times and digging up more info about DMX, I realized that DMX has a crazy arsenal of different flows and sounds, and I think this album showcases his talent. He has this loud barking style in some of his more aggressive songs. But also he can switch it up and sound smooth and just cool as fuck. But no matter what he always kinda  shifts in between these two sounds and as the listener I feel like you can just tell that he has a wild temper.  Makes sense tho cuz of his crazy upbringing, and he was in an outta jail before this album. 

Just some quick fact to illustrate the world DMX grew up in ⬇️

He was “raised” by teen parents that beat him growing up in Yonkers, New York. Beat him as in, there’s a story where his mom knocked his teeth out with a broomstick. Theres a story where DMX stabbed a kid in the face with a pencil when he was fuckin 6 years old. At 10 years old he got arrested for arson cuz he was trying to burn his school down. At 14 DMX moved out and slept on the streets to get away from his mom's abuse. In high school that’s when he started really gaining that reputation of being “unfuckwithable.” Only attending school to Rob 3 people per day, and eventually got into the rest of the gangster activities. . 

Like this fool has a fucking wild history, and that’s probably what gives him that griddy sound. Combining that upbringing with his talents in hip hop just sounds unbelievable and gives him an incredibly unique style. 

I could write a fuckin essay about DMX but that’s not what I’m tryna do with this account. Just tryna focus on single songs. But I think talking about and listening to DMX is much more interesting when you have a broad idea of his background.

“How’s It Goin Down” is one of my favorite DMX songs. The story telling on this track is great and I feel like you get a good perspective of who DMX is as a person. He raps about meeting and being into this chick that has a boyfriend. Mentions how he heard that her boyfriend hit her because she had banged Him. He considers what seems like killing him but doesn’t because he had 2 kids with that chick. DMX knows that it would be wrong to leave the kids and her without a father, and at the end of the song even admits that he’s wrong for being with her. I think this song and story is a good showcase of what DMX calls his inner demons, showing that he keeps his cool until situations call that wild gangster side of him. 

Also fuckin A this song is just smooth as hell, lyrics and shit aside, DMXs flow is so good on this beat. He kinda goes in and out of this cool dude and demon side of him. Like his voice changes when he talks about a situation and you can hear that demon side kinda showing face a bit. That’s why I said before that you can hear the temper he has. 

DMX’s real name is Earl hahahah. Funny to me when I think of just his first name. But his full name is Earl Simmons and that sounds tuff.

[roxasz3]

Part II: Script Writing

Scene 1

Dorm room. Noon. Two girls, Zoey and Hannah are lying on their beds. Hannah is sleeping. After a few seconds, Hannah suddenly bolts awake. 

Hannah: (Sits up on the bed and looks at Zoey’s direction.) Sometimes I wake up and it feels like I’ve been resurrected.

Zoey: Had a good dream? (Chuckles.)

Hannah: Everytime I stop smoking I get really vivid dreams. 

Zoey: (Sits up on the bed.) What did you dream about?

Hannah: I don’t remember much of it. (Pause.) I remember something blew up or something then I woke up. 

Zoey: Damn that sucks. (Goes on her phone.) 

Hannah: That’s all you have to say?

Zoey: I’m tryna find that gif of Aunt May getting blown up. (Laughs.)

Hannah: You’re not funny.

Zoey: I tried teaching you how to roll a joint yesterday but you said no.

Hannah: I wasn’t in the mood to pick up a new skill.

Zoey: (Lightly chuckles then pauses.) Do you wanna get food?

Hannah: Where?

Zoey: The dining hall.

Hannah: (Scrunches her face in a disapproving look.) They never have anything good. Their pizza used to hit then they were like let’s just stop cooking it.

Zoey: (Laughs.) But it’s free though. And Cora and Jasper are already there.

Hannah: Fine.

Scene 2

Dining hall. A little after lunch time. Zoey and Hannah approach the table Cora and Jasper are sitting at.

Jasper: Hey guys! (Waves.)

Cora: Hey guys!

Zoey: Hey! (Sits.)

Hannah: (Sits.) So Jasper. How’s that situation with your shawty?

Jasper: (Sighs.) I just want everyone to know I’m finally released from her shackles (Laughs.) She tried gaslighting me though.

Cora: She’s so detached from reality it’s actually baffling.

Jasper: She be talking to me and in my head I’m playing Wall Kickers.

Zoey: I can’t believe you let that go on for so long. You should’ve dropped her months ago.

Hannah: Yeah, the red flags were crazy. (Pause.) I’m gonna make a list of all the red flags in men I’ve been with. 

(Everyone laughs. Brief pause.)

Jasper: I hit the griddy in front of a crowd of white men the other day. 

Zoey: Why would you do that?

Hannah: Yeah, why would you do that?

Jasper: It was just a side quest, you know what I mean?

Cora: Speaking of quests, do you guys wanna play Fortnite after this?

Hannah: Yes.

Jasper: I’m down.

Zoey: Yes. Can we smoke first? (Smiles.)

Cora: Oh of course.

Hannah: (Laughs.) Addiction is real.

[bowieandqueen11]

Best Friends, Always / Vanya Hargreeves Imagine

Request: Hey there! Can I request an umbrella academy fic where the reader is number 8 and was closest with Vanya growing up? Years then go by and they drift apart. But when they reunite reader wants to be like a sister to Vanya again. Also the reader has the power of pyrokinesis! 

Ahh i keep on meaning to write for Vanya so thank you @billhaderstrashbag​!! <3

Comments are much appreciated!

Swinging your legs off the edge of the tiny beige bed, you can’t help but smile.

The room was small, neatly made, with only a straight backed chair, a small bureau without any mirror, and a desk in the corner by the slit window. There was a pair of drapery curtains, no pictures on the stone walls, but it was nice - stifling, but also familiar. With the two of you in the room, you had made it feel like home.

Vanya kept a few little knick knacks by her bed: a little heart and a silver crane you had made for her, a picture you had snapped of the two of you (although she kept is slightly hidden - if Allison found out that you had stolen her polaroid camera from her drawer you’d never hear the end of it from Luther), a gold necklace you had bought her for her birthday.

It was her favourite possession, the half heart of the best friend locket, the other half which you had hung around your own neck. Well, her favourite except for her violin, of course.

She stood by the foot of the bed, her eyes scanning the notes that rest on the stand, one foot in front of the other. A look of total concentration covers her face, not noticing Klaus run past, ducking as a knife hits the edge of her doorframe.

‘Diego, what the hell, scheisse!’  

‘Well, you better run faster!’

There’s something about the way the violin sings that sets her heart into the deepest of symphonies, deeply harrowing and torrential in the way it encompasses her body. Its slender strings caress her fingers, its curves are tenderly traced under her palm, and to her, nothing in the world can possibly compare to the sense of empowerment which is achieved with the most marvelling mix of notes. 

You close your eyes as you listen, allowing the flames to bounce leisurely along your fingers as you begin to sway to the notes. You don’t even notice she had stopped until you hear Vanya shouting.

‘Y/n! The curtains!’

Glancing to your side, you watch the sunlight stream through the gap in the curtains, bringing the hope of a new afternoon. Though the window is closed you can smell the roses just outside. A smile spreads over your face. It isn't the fragrance of those blooms you detect, but rose perfume on the drapes; Vanya always did like to bring something of nature into her room.

It took you a moment to see the flames, before Vanya had grabbed a blazer from her wardrobe and fanned them down with a panicked expression.

‘Vanya, I’m so sorry! Ohhh Reginald’s going to murder me.’

‘It’s fine... he never comes in here anyway’, she murmurs as she slides down next to you on the duvet, ‘I’ll just ask Grace to get me another pair from the attic. Or I can do without, I enjoy waking up to a rising sun. Makes me feel... less alone, I guess.’

‘You’re not alone, idiot’, you say with a giggle as you bump into her shoulder, ‘I’m right here.’

‘But you’re special.’

‘And you’re not? I don’t know anyone else who can play the violin that well. You don’t need powers to be extraordinary, Vanya.’

You wrap an arm around her shoulder, allowing Vanya to snuggle in. ‘You're the only person I know that gives extreme hugs.’ You snicker in reply,  ‘well, it’s because there’s nowhere else I’d rather be.’

In that moment your arms squeezed a fraction tighter and Vanya breathed more slowly, her body melting into yours as every muscle lost its tension to the cold air. This was life, real life. 

She never thought she’d be this happy again.

~

Your umbrella is a splash of colour on this sweet greyscale day, a day when one could feel as if they had walked in an old noir novel. Your hand curls around the handle, and the canopy stretches above you as if it were the blossoms of a rainforest.

You stood there together, you and Vanya, at the front of the funeral. Everyone's heads were down. Maybe it was them showing respect of maybe there were too afraid to look up in case everyone else figured out how nonchalant they were about the whole affair. Vanya was the only one sniffling, although you couldn’t tell if it was due to the rain pelting onto her reddening cheeks, or due to the ashes Luther was dumping onto the damp ground. She looked smaller somehow, hunched, and you felt your stomach lurch as you looked away, You couldn’t bear the thought that this is what she had become when you had left her.

‘I thought there would be more wind’, he adds as he looks around, almost embarrassed. Klaus’ hand reaches out to grab onto your shaky one, until you slap him away. He only shrugs in reply, placing a blunt into his mouth and managing to light it with the tips of his fingers as Five wanders back inside, an awful look of nothingness in his eyes. 

It was done. He was gone.

You managed to make your way over to Vanya, catching her attention with a small cough.

‘I’m sorry Diego was such an ass to you. He’s been a bit cranky the last few days. Luther too.’

‘It’s alright. It’s been a hard time for all of us.’ It's crazy how things can turn upside down. You see the person every day and suddenly, they're gone and when they go, a part of you goes with them too. 

‘Do you want to get out of here, get some breakfast? Maybe go to Griddy’s, like when we used to sneak out of my bedroom window-’

‘Y/n, we’re not kids anymore.’

‘I know-I know, but still...even if we can’t be kids, I want to be sisters again. Except this time, I’ll actually be a good one.’

Vanya shuffles as she glances at the ground, her mouth slightly twitching at the side.

‘Do you still play the violin?’

‘Yeah... I’m part of an orchestra now.’

‘I’m glad! I’m so glad - I hope you’ll let me come see you practice. That always was my favourite part of the day, waking up and hearing the music through the Academy walls...’

You reach out to place a curl of her hair back behind her ear, letting your hand rest on her shoulder. You can see in her eyes  as she tries to make contact with you, that her brain has built some new walls so she didn’t have to feel so alone anymore. 

Her sigh was of a softly deflating; it was as if a tension had lifted yet left her with a melancholy instead of relief. But there was also a glimmer of hope in the spark that flew through her eye.

She reached up to fiddle with her neck, allowing a slightly tarnished locket with the word ‘best’ to land on her rain splashed fingers, finally building up the courage to look you in the eye.

‘Best friends, right?’

‘Always.’

Kofi?

[nobody-wants-ice-cream]

Everything Wrong With The Umbrella Academy. Episode 2, Run Boy Run.

Link to the first episode!

Same disclaimer as last episode: This is all in good fun! I wanted to do a really nitpicky re-watch of the series and found some really cool and interesting things I didn’t notice before. This is meant to have a Cinema Sins-esque tone. However, I did take off a lot more sins than Cinema Sins would have because I do genuinely like the series and the people that made it possible. So all of the good things got one sin off and all the bad things got one sin added. This is a really long post, so grab some popcorn. If there’s anything that I missed, feel free to add it!

Run Boy Run 

Grace started the Herr Carlson record before the kids even arrived. How are they supposed to learn if they miss the first few seconds of it?  What is the point of the record if they’re not even around to hear all of it?+1

The kids all have their hands on the chairs except for Five, showing that he will do something out of the ordinary. -1

Diego is causing property damage to Reggie’s chairs and Reggie allows this. Be consistent, show! Is Reggie lenient or strict? You could make the argument that Reggie doesn’t care about the chair because he’s rich. In that case, sinning for capitalism.+1

Klaus is already into drugs at the age of 13. We can see him rolling a blunt, and doing it quite well, presumably. +1

Ben is straight up allowed to read at the table. So then what is the point of the record if the kids don’t have to pay attention to it? +1

The kids expressions when Five stabs the table. The ones that we see are pure gold. Especially Klaus’s. Well done Dante Albidone. -1

Diego’s side eye when Five starts arguing with Reggie. This is the perfect expression for “my sibling is about to get in trouble”, so props to Blake Talabis. -1

Vanya’s side eye is also good. TJ McGibbon did well. -1

We see Five jump faster than a bullet, but he’s significantly slower when jumping across the table. +1

Reggie is a dick to Five, who just wants to explore his powers. We know that it’s dangerous because we see Five getting stuck, but Five doesn’t think that that is really a possibility. Reggie only talks in confusing ice and acorn metaphors. +1

Five’s face when Reggie presents the ice and acorn metaphor. -1

Vanya and Allison both give Five a look in this scene. This is what makes Five hesitate. Two of his siblings tell him it’s a bad idea, but he does it anyway because he’s a stubborn bastard. +1

Grace’s face drops when Five starts running out the door. Allison and Vanya also look absolutely horrified. -1

“Run Boy Run” is a little on the nose. Especially once you remember that The Boy is Five’s hero name in the comics. +1

No one cares that a 13 year old popped into existence out of nowhere when Five starts traveling into the future. +1

Easter egg! There is an ice cream cart outside the academy. If you’ve read Dallas, you know why I think that’s significant. Also, it happens to be my icon. -1

Five’s look of complete disbelief and horror when he is faced with the apocalypse for the first time. -1

“Vanya! Ben!” This has created a lot of curiosity in the fandom. In the comics he left before they were named, but in the show it looks like he chose to keep Number Five. Why? +1

The apocalypse looks very believable. -1

Title screen umbrella! -1

The awesome scene with Ellen Page and Aidan Gallagher continues in the next episode. -1

Where would Five have heard that rumor about Twinkies having an endless shelf life? It’s not like he was very exposed to pop culture as a kid. +1

Vanya doesn’t keep her Violin in the case. She leaves it proped on a chair, which is basically begging gravity to come and fuck up your instrument. +1

Five plays the pronoun game and doesn’t tell Vanya about Dolores. +1

The last thing Five heard for 40 years was Reggie’s stupid metaphor. That’s a sin for the metaphor and a sin for Five’s pain and suffering. +2

Vanya gives someone with a thirteen-year-old’s liver a few shots worth of hard liquor in a tall glass. +1

“You think I didn’t try everything to get back to my family?” This quote is Five at his core. It shows his exact motivation. Aidan Gallagher really could have screwed up with this line because it’s so raw, but the delivery doesn’t suck. Well done. -1

Is that liquor real? Aidan Gallagher’s face suggests that it is and he only takes two sips of it. Also, Five takes a sip when it’s just a bit, pours more, then takes another sip, and doesn’t drink any more of it. Sin for showmakers possibly giving a kid real alcohol and sin for Five only taking a sip after pouring a lot out. +1

However, if the alcohol is fake, which I really hope it is, sin off for Aidan Gallagher’s acting. -1

Five expects Vanya to believe his crazy apocalypse story. I had a hard time believing it when we were shown flashbacks as the audience. It wasn’t until they brought in the Commission that I actually believed it. If Five had explained the Commission, just like he did to Luther, then Vanya would have had an easier time believing him. +1

Vanya calls Five crazy and then expects him to not be hurt and want to stay in her apartment. +1

Vanya takes the pills after an emotionally charged scene. Pills-foreshadowing. -1

Five’s hands are shaking when he’s looking at the eyeball. This shows both his uncertainty, with this being his only clue, and shows that he is unwilling to leave his sister again even after she called him insane. -1

Mary J. Bilge. -1

The Lunar Motor Lodge has rates by the week, day, and hour. The Commission is super sleazy for putting Hazel and Cha Cha in a place that also rents by the hour. +1

Hazel and Cha Cha are an underrated duo. The “It smells like cat piss” dialogue is honestly really funny. -1

Obvious villains are obvious. I know they’re meant to be obvious, but it doesn’t change the fact that a show with a lot of subtlety just kind of thrust Hazel and Cha Cha in there with no subtlety at all. +1

Hazel stores the briefcase away and throws a screw, foreshadowing that this will be an important detail later. -1

No one, including police, notices the blinking and beeping, neon green tracker. +1

Patch is sort of right. Five made a jump in the middle of two of the local hires, which caused them to shoot each other. -1

“The guy had an eclair and the kid had coffee”. Patch’s side eye says that she thinks Agnes is getting her story mixed up. If we didn’t see what happened, then the audience wouldn’t believe Agnes either. Great acting Ashley Madekwe. -1

Agnes doesn’t stay in the back room. She crawls out so her head can dramatically pop up over the counter after Five leaves. This is a stupid decision on Agnes’s part.+1

Agnes is seen handling American money. Somehow we as a fandom didn’t notice this. Klaus also uses American money to buy drugs later in this episode. Sinning the showmakers not specifying which state at the very least, but reluctantly because I know that’s a reference to the comics. +1

“What other detective”. Camera cuts to Diego exiting Griddys. -1

Diego is a vigilante. What he is doing impedes the law. In this instance, we want him to stop Patch’s investigation because we know that the answer leads back to Five, which would be bad for the plot. However, Patch’s annoyance suggests Diego has done this to her before. How many murderers have gone free because Diego intervenes in Patch’s cases? +1

Diego did not consent to being searched and having his personal belongings taken. +1

Ebay exists but there is no internet or smartphones. What? +1

Diego thinks that this looks like a botched robbery. No way in hell does this look like a robbery of a doughnut shop in any universe. A bank robbery, yeah sure, but not a doughnut shop. What kind of doughnut shop has the kind of money that requires multiple guys with very large weapons, Diego? +1

The way Patch is described to Five by Diego in a later episode does not match the personality she actually has. +1

A whole crowd of people had nothing better to do than to watch the cops investigate a murder scene in a densely populated city. +1

Is Luther hitting his head after he wakes up a character choice? He does it again with the model airplane. After the low ceilings on the moon for four years, you would think that he would learn to duck. +1

Emmy Raver-Lampman gives an amazing performance when talking to Luther about Claire. -1

Allison has multiple posters of herself in her room. I am sinning for her younger self’s narcissism. +1

However, this narcissism goes hand in hand with Allison as a character. Props to the set designers for making these posters and hanging them up. It adds detail to Allison’s room and really shows who she was as a character. -1

“When Claire was little I used to read her books about the moon. I’d tell her her Uncle was living up there” Allison doesn’t remember that Luther was on the moon and therefore shouldn’t know about her divorce in the first episode, but says this in the second episode. +1

Luther looks so genuinely happy at being Claire’s personal superhero. -1

The ghosts torturing Klaus. +1

That fucking animal print thing Klaus is wearing. +1

Robert Sheehan is very, very attractive. This makes up for the monstrosity Klaus is wearing. -1

“You know you talk in your sleep.” “Oh there’s no point. You’re out of drugs” I love Ben as a character so much. -1

“Shut your piehole, Ben. Said with love” smooch. I love this line. -1

“I’ve got a crazy idea. Why not try starting your day with… a glass of orange juice or some eggs”. Justin Min’s delivery of this line kills me every time. -1

Pogo is really vague about why the papers in Reggie’s box are important. If he said something about the papers detailing the Academy’s powers in explicit detail, Klaus would have tried harder to get them back. +1

We don’t see Klaus pull out the Red Journal in episode one. +1

“Liar” “Drop dead” “Low blow”. This is an iconic interaction for a reason. -1

Pogo knows that Klaus can talk to ghosts, but remains offended when Klaus tells a ghost to shut up. +1

“Really awful, terrible, depressing times” Reggie is a dick to his children. +7

Vanya sleeps with the door to her bedroom open, even though we saw her close it. So she must have gotten up to open the door and didn’t notice Five was gone. +1

Where did Five go all night? Did he sleep back in the Academy? It couldn’t have taken him this long to get to the MeriTech building, so what happened to him? He changed to a clean uniform, so presumably he went to the Academy, but why did the show vague this? Did he walk into a department store and buy/steal a clean shirt?+1

Only the plot relevant person notices Five. The front desk girl doesn’t question why he’s there. And that is her literal job. I would know, I run the front desk at a medical office. If you don’t greet the patients then you’re not doing your job, front desk girl.+1

“Must have just [click] popped out.” iconic.-1

Five decides that violence is the best course of action to get the information he needs, directly contradicting “I know how to do everything” +1

The 1938 fingerprints may be Five’s. However, police usually discard this kind of evidence because there is a very reasonable doubt. Not to mention that anyone could have touched the knife. It’s a public place. Forensic evidence is not as reliable as it is portrayed in the media. +1

Diego is an asshole to everyone, but especially to Patch. She’s right, Diego is obstructing justice. How many murderers have gone free because Diego interfered in an investigation? +1

Diego’s boiler room is way too big to be a boiler room. +1

Luther’s reflection in Diego’s mask shows that Luther wants to know what it would be like to be number two instead of number one. Luther can’t lead for shit and subconsciously wishes that he didn’t have to. -1

With an aerial shot of the Academy from the outside, we can see that Reggie never bothered to take the laundromat sign off the mansion or that Reggie sold ad space on the mansion exterior. +1

Reggie is a dick to animals. See: the animal skeletons and the taxidermy. +1

Part of the mansion is painted an ugly neon green for no reason. +1

“Sorry I left without saying goodbye”. The “both times” is unspoken. -1

Vanya apologises for calling him crazy and being dismissive, but still suggests he needs mental help. He does, but maybe suggest it later when he isn’t convinced you think he’s insane? +1

Five lies to Vanya about something stupid. If he said that he was having Klaus help him with the apocalypse, I don’t think she would have minded. +1

Why does Five have so many toys in his room? Including a baseball? +1

Klaus comes out of the wardrobe as loudly as possible. The mansion does not have sound proofing (see: I Think We’re Alone Now dance party). There is no way in hell Vanya didn’t hear him. +1

This is the last time Vanya and Five interact. +1

Five’s room is more childish than a thirteen-year-old’s room should be. It honestly looks like he was the favorite because his room has so many toys in it. Like Reggie wanted to win his favor or something. Sinning for the weird set design choice and for Reggie being an asshole. +1 

The fake circumstances in which Five was born in their cover story gives me immense joy. -1

In one camera angle, if you look carefully they cut two takes of “what a disturbing glimpse into that thing you call a brain”. In the one where we can’t see his face properly, Aidan Gallagher is openly smiling. Corpsing. +1

Robert Sheehan is funny. -1

Syd the tow truck guy doesn’t really look like Sean Sullivan (actor that plays adult Five) enough for Cha Cha, a trained assassin, to not see that he isn’t their mark. +1

Hazel eating a sandwich in this scene. Also the “Italian for dinner line”. -1

And Cha Cha sees the differences between Syd and Five later! +1

“Time travel’s a bitch” “Especially without a briefcase” There's other time travel methods than briefcase or being Five? Elaborate. +1

Patrick is a dick to Allison. We understand why later, but really Patrick, you’re going to be an asshole when her father just died? Don’t get me wrong, Reggie abused the hell out of her, but still! Patrick should have let Allison talk to Claire. +1

Vanya tries to comfort Allison even though she knows nothing about the situation other than that it happened. She’s never even met Patrick! +1

Allison is clearly trying to get away from this conversation with Vanya, but Vanya presses on. +1

“Well if I wanted advice, Vanya, no offence, it wouldn’t be from you”. This is why Vanya doesn’t take Allison’s advice about Leonard. Also, Allison is a dick to Vanya. +1

This scene with Allison and Vanya is interesting. Allison is projecting her pain and taking it out on Vanya, who really should have seen and heard what happened enough to leave her alone. Both of them are the bad guy here regardless of how you slice it. I am sinning the show for this moment because they really tried to villainize Allison for this scene, but she does have some well thought out points and is in an emotionally compromised state. Or in other words, the fight between Allison and Vanya is stupid. +1

Grant/Lance/whatever gave Klaus and Five valuable office time. Doctors do not have time for this sort of crap. Shouldn’t this guy have patients? +1

Aidan Gallagher looks to the actor playing Grant/Lance/whatever as if he’s waiting for him to say his line. I see this all the time with younger kids in theatre, but they can get away with it if their character has a reason to look at that character. That being said, Five would have no reason to do this.+1

The sound effect that plays when Klaus slaps Five is really out of place. +1

Seeing Robert Sheehan slap Aidan Gallagher. -1

Klaus pauses as if he’s listening to Ben before he picks up the snowglobe. -1

The snowglobe. Robert Sheehan pretending to be Klaus pretending to be Five’s crazy dad. Acting. -1

Five looks like a proud grandfather when Klaus gets Lance to show them the records. -1

Five doesn’t pay Klaus for that brilliant acting. Also, how was Five planning to give Klaus $20. He doesn’t have any money nor do we ever see him with money. Five is a cheapskate. +1

Klaus calls Five “old man”. I thought that was just a fandom thing lmao. -1

“You must be horny as hell”. Great Klaus line, but super weird that he’s saying it to someone that looks thirteen. +1

Klaus is wearing the shirt that goes with his nicest outfit underneath Reggie’s pinstripe suit. -1

“Goodbye Dolores”, a song from the soundtrack, starts playing when Five starts talking about Dolores. This is good placement of that song because we later learn that he left her in the apocalypse when he left to work for the Commission. -1

Five is a dick to Klaus. Klaus is really trying to connect with his long lost brother, but Five jumps away. +1

That taxi driver doesn’t freak out and cause a car accident when a random kid appears in his car. +1

Also, how did Five pay for that taxi? Did he jump out of the moving vehicle too? +1

Leonard is so obvious from the start. So charming that he’s slimy. +1

Vanya can’t see this and is actually attracted to him. This may go back to that conversation with Allison when she asks if Vanya has ever been in a relationship. For all we know, the answer is no. +1

Leonard took three years of German in prison. I don't think American jails are that nice. +1

Leonard picks up another person’s instrument without their consent. As a musician, this is very, very painful. +2

Diego is paranoid, but also observant as fuck. -1

But how did he get his weapons back from the police? Are knives open carry in whatever state this is in? There are some states where Diego’s harness would be legal so it’s possible. I’ll have to look into this. Sinning the show for being vauge as fuck. +1

Luther didn’t notice the boiler room door open. +1

Diego throws weapons on his siblings. +1

Reginald Hargreeves died March 21st. The funeral is on March 24th. This is way too soon. It should have been a week or two not two days between the date of death and the funeral. Especially considering Luther suspects Reggie was murdered. And if you say that Reggie, Pogo, or Grace bribed them, then I’m sinning for bribery.+1

Diego eats a raw egg. Salmonella headass. +2

David Castaneda eats a raw egg. Why did you make him do this? It adds nothing to the character other than making Diego look dumb as hell. +1

Vanya interrupts her student while he’s playing and doing well. Whenever my teacher does that I get a minor heart attack. +1

Leonard is already lying to Vanya. He manipulates her by saying his Dad was into music and that's why he’s taking violin lessons. +1

An actual place named “Bricktown” in a place called “The City.” Sigh. +1

It is four o’clock when Leonard takes his lesson, but then after the lesson we cut to night time. What happened in those couple hours, show? Are you really saying that these characters did nothing interesting for all that time? +1

Emmy Raver-Lampman clearly isn’t smoking. Which is fine because she’s a Broadway actress and needs her voice/lungs for that part of her career. It’s weird because it shows that Allison isn't smoking. +1

Pogo scolds Allison for her language. Allison is an adult, Pogo. +1

Klaus made a drink at a young age and Reggie didn’t stop him. Or talk to him. He recorded Klaus drinking, but didn’t care. +1

The showmakers show us Allison’s face for dramatic tension instead of showing us the tape. This was a good choice and I feel it helped the narative.-1

They show a sign “Gimbel Brothers Seniors Tuesdays 10% Off.” after Five walks by. -1

The most awkward and dopey smile in existence when Five finds Dolores. -1

They play “Goodbye Dolores” after he finds her. That could have worked if they transposed it to the major key. Hello Dolores. +1

“Goodbye Dolores” transitioning into “Don’t Stop Me Now” by Queen. -1

This action sequence is great. -1

Hazel’s wrist splint. -1

Five cuts Cha Cha with a trowel. -1

The dual screen thing is cool. -1

Five literally jumps over a stand and somehow doesn’t get shot. Hazel and Cha Cha have Stormtrooper aim. +1

How did Hazel and Cha Cha leave? You would think the police would notice someone leaving through the back. +1

Similarly, how did Five and Dolores get out of this? Did he wait until he could jump and teleport outside the store? Can he teleport that far? +1

How did Diego get another police scanner so quickly? Unless that’s the scanner Patch confiscated? +1

“I gotta show you something” +1

Once again, Five should be a lot sweatier. What are these magic, sweat absorbing things you can buy in a department store and where can I buy them? +1

Five sees an eyeball and immediately picks it up for no reason. He doesn’t even know that’s Luther’s body yet. He just picked up an eye for no reason. +1

Five as a thirteen-year-old boy saw his siblings' dead bodies. Sinning for trauma. +1

Aidan Gallagher portrays this trauma well. -1

Overall Review: 

I love this episode and had a hard time finding things wrong with it. I genuinely like this episode and I think that it could have stood alone as the pilot. 

Some acting things I noticed, David Castaneda, John Magaro (Leonard), and Ashley Madekwe were the standouts this episode. All three brought something interesting to the table this episode and I look forward to re-watching their scenes. I wish Madekwe and Magaro all the best as I know that they probably won’t be returning for season two. 

The plot thickens! Hazel and Cha Cha were introduced in a very obvious way compared to the subtle way they introduced Leonard. There is a reason I adore this episode, and it’s not just for Klaus slapping Five (though that is part of it). 

Total: 52

Sentence: We saw Diego eat a raw egg. That’s punishment enough for this episode. 

[im-just-bea]

Here in the Ashes part 2

**This was hanging out in my google docs for over a year, I wasn’t planning on publishing the other parts but here we go, more parts coming soon~ish as I proofread and make changes.. but enough about me. Onto the story**

TW: kidnapping, violence, kicking

“Hey Natasha, you wanna do something about this rain?” Diego asks looking at Ash. She responds by raising an eyebrow, pointing in front of him sending a few bolts of lightning through her fingers. He jumps back.

“Would anyone like to say a few words?” Pogo asks

There’s a few moments of silence before someone speaks.

“He lived a very fulfilling life ..accomplished many great things, and I hope in the end it was quick and painless.” Ash pauses as if deep in thought, “In my heart of hearts.. I know that he’s looking up at us right now.”

“Did she just?” Diego asks after registering what Ash said

“I like this new Natasha” Klaus chuckles

“Enough” Luther demands holding the urn. “He was still our Dad, Let’s show a little respect.”

Ash snorts and rolls her eyes

“Mr. Luther, please so the honors.” Pogo asks as Luther dumps the ashes on the ground. It’s very anticlimactic.

“This would be better with some wind” everyone looks over at Ash who rolls her eyes and flicks her wrist sending a light gust of wind towards the ashes.

“Thank you Miss Natasha” Pogo sighs

Soon things get heated and Luther and Diego start fighting.

“Really guys?! At your father’s funeral!” Ash yells over the chaos

“Hit him!!” Klaus says amused

“We don’t have time for this” Five mutters taking Ash’s hand and leading her back into the house”

————————-

“You look like hell” Ash observes after Five teleports into her room. “What happened to ‘I’m going to get a decent cup of coffee’ Coffee doesn’t take 2 hours. And-”

He cuts her off with a hug “Hey there….”

“They found us, well me, at Griddy’s. Wasn’t pretty”

“Oh my god.”

“I need to make sure they didn’t put a tracker on you too.” He pulls out some kind of device and scans her. His face falls. “I found something.. sit tight” he kisses her cheek before teleporting out.”

When he returns he has a first aid kit and a knife. He sits on the floor in front of her and gets ready to cut out the tracker.

“I’m sorry ”, he gently grabbed her arm and made an incision.

She squeezes her eyes shut and grimaces

“You know, you don’t have to act tough around me” he says after a few moments

She lets out a breath she was holding and groans when he starts digging around her arm. She squeezes his leg with her free hand.

“I know I know, I’m sorry… almost” he pulls out what looks like a blinking pill, and locks eyes with her before teleporting away and coming back a second later

“I wanted that thing far away from you. You’re doing great honey” he grabs some alcohol to disinfect the wound, once he’s done he wraps her arm with a bandage.

“I told Vanya. She didn’t believe me, she thinks I’m crazy”

“The others will too, what should we do now?” Ash asks getting to her feet

“Right now you need to get some rest.” He answers kissing her bandaged arm

————

Ash rolls her eyes. Watching Klaus “act”. The scientist at the prosthetics center pretty much brushed off Five when he stopped by this morning asking about the owner of the eye, that damned glass eye he had been carrying around for the past 40 years. He thought bringing an adult, physical adult, would help get him answers and Ash tagged along. She was glad she did because things were going nowhere and fast.

“Okay enough!” She yelled after Klaus backhanded Five. She storms over to the scientist and places a hand on his shoulder and sends a small current of lightning through her palm, shocking him. He yelps “Answer his questions.” She grabs his other hand as he reaches for the phone and chuckles. “Ah ah ah. I’m not in the mood to play with your friends. Name.Now.” She says intensifying the electricity

Five gives her a horrified look while Klaus looks mildly impressed .

“Okay okay I’ll tell you. Just make her stop” he pleads

Five pulls her away from him and he starts typing away on his computer.

“Young lady you’re grounded” Klaus chastises pretending to be horrified.

“Oh shut up”

————

“Useless” Five says looking up at Klaus, “You’re all useless!” They we’re currently outside of the facility, Five’s investigation had hit a dead end and he was pretty upset.

“Excuse you? I’m the one who got you answers” Ash says glaring up at him.

“Oh don’t even get me started on you” He says turning to Ash. “You… You can’t just torture people to get answers.” he scolds.

“Okay first of all ,I do what I want; and quit yelling at me like I’m a child.” Ash says rolling her eyes

Five pinches the bridge of his nose.“You are a child”

“You are a child” Ash mocks, “You’re welcome by the way”

“I didn’t say thank you”

“No Shit.”

She stands and walks over to him, “You’re so..”

“What? I’m so what?” He challenges

“Ugh!” She groans in annoyance

“You know ,you two bicker like an old married couple” Klaus laughs from his place on the steps.

Five sighs looking at Ash. “Well we kind of are”

“30 long years,” Ash adds crossing her arms and rolling her eyes.

“Awww that is so cute!” Klaus coos “I remember being in love, the best 3 weeks of my life..”

She sees Five roll his eyes in her peripheral and before she can react he grabs her and teleports them away.

————-

“I want you to stay here.” Five . After leaving Klaus at the science facility the two took a cab home, where Five was once again trying to leave Ash.

“No. I’m going with you. For better or worse right?” Ash argues crossing her arms

“That was nowhere in our vows. Look the less you know the better. They know I’m here and the last thing I want is for them to find you too” Five

“I can take care of myself,” Ash crosses her arms, “I helped earlier didn’t I?”

“Yes and I saw a side of you that I never want to see again” he closes the distance between them and gently kisses her. “Please just stay here? I promise I’ll be back tonight?”

“Fine” Ash grumbled. Five smiles and makes sure to kiss her goodbye before leaving.

She spends the next few hours wandering around the academy, (and avoiding Allison) even taking a bubble bath,she’s making her way back to her room when she sees Five sitting on his bed with a large pack carefully placed on a nearby chair.

“You’re back..” Ash whispers lingering in his doorway.

“Yeah” Five replies standing and teleporting inches away from her. He pulls on her robe to pull her closer. “Please stay” he asks wrapping his arms around her.

“I.. Okay” Ash answers closing the door.

When she woke up the next morning, Five was trying to sneak out.

“Five?” She asks sleepily, sitting up, they lock eyes for a moment before he climbs down the fire escape

“Great.”

Allison ambushed her on her way down to breakfast.

“We should have some sister time today” Allison suggests, sitting across from her

“Sister time?” Allison asks hesitantly. She and Allison never had “sister time”.

“Yes!” Allison urges “we can get our nails done! Or maybe go to the hair salon and get something done about your hair”

Ash self-consciously touches her messy bun, she wore her hair short for the past 30 years and didn’t have a clue or the patience to deal with it now- especially since her appearance has always been pretty low on her list of priorities.

“I don’t know..” Ash utters hesitantly

“My treat?” Allison offers in a kinder tone, “everyone deserves to feel pretty every now and then.”

“Okay” Ash smiles.

When they get to the salon she debates with Allison and the stylist for a few minutes on just how much hair to cut off. Ash wants her hair no longer than past her ears, her hair was currently near her chest and she hated it, but in the end Allison talks her into getting it cut shoulder length.

Having someone else wash and deep condition her hair is a luxury that Ash wasn’t used to. A few hours later her hair was cut, pressed and styled with curls; and for the first time in decades Ash really felt pretty.

“I told you you’d enjoy this!” Allison beams as she watches Ash admire her reflection.

They’re walking down the street to find Vanya, when it happens. One minute Allison is rattling on about who-knows-what, and the next time suddenly stops. She waves her hand in front of a frozen Allison’s face before a few goons in masks swarm her,she tries fighting them off but is seriously outnumbered. After a blow to the head her world goes dark.

—————-

When she came to; she was tied up and handcuffed in a chair across from the Handler who was wearing a faux sympathetic frown. Apparently Five had been busier than he let on and had a run-in with a couple of assassins from the commission. In a department store of all places

“Delores..” She mutters

“What was that Natasha?” The handler asks looking at her skeptically. Ash chose to keep her mouth shit but frowned.

She had a feeling something was up but having her suspicions confirmed and knowing that he left her to be with someone else really stung.

“Try not to look so sad my dear, sweet Natasha. We just want your… partner. My people left him a note so it’s only a matter of time before he comes and saves you, No hard feelings right?” she gags Ash and walks away muttering something about dead weight before leaving.

Once alone, she struggles with her bindings, silently wondering if she should wait for Five, but a pounding in her head soon answers that question and she’s soon fighting a losing battle with consciousness.. I could snap the metal, or at least stretch it out… ouch...focus Ash find the impurities… and burn the….the and she’s out.

———-

“It’s been 24 hours. Where is Five? The Handler asks calmly as one of her goons remove Ash’s gag”

“I don’t know” Ash answers

The Handler sighs and nods. One of the masked goons immediately punches Ash in the face and she lets out a cry.

“Where is Five?” She asks again not changing her tone.

“I don’t know!” Ash cries “He wouldn’t tell me his plan, he was gone when I woke up yesterday morning and I haven’t seen him since! I swear I’m telling the truth”

One of the masked goons kicks her in the stomach, knocking over her chair.

The Handler tuts condescendingly as Ash coughs. “I feel like you’re lying to us and your efforts to protect him are sweet considering he left you alone and defenseless. He obviously doesn’t care about you, you’re just dead weight to him. Last chance.”

“I really don’t know….. please.” Ash whimpers as the masked goons approach her,.

Once she’s alone again she lets out a muffled sob, too weak to even try to escape and too emotionally drained to hope for rescue. It’s been 24 hours and she doubts Five or anyone else even notices or cares that she’s gone. Her hands are numb so breaking out is out of the question. She tried to stay awake to think of an escape plan, but soon the pounding in her head gets so intense she once again loses consciousness.

——————-

She wakes up to the faint sound of Five teleporting into the room; but she’s broken and too overcome with exhaustion to react.

“Shit..” he runs over to her and reaches out to touch her, but she flinches away.

“Please….” she whimpers once he removes her gag “I don’t know where he is”

“I’m right here honey..” He gently touches her face, inspecting her bruises.

“F-five?” She asks confused and squinting,after everything The Handler said to her she doesn’t know if she’s happy to see him…… and to be honest she’s not sure he’s actually there.

Wasting no more time , he quickly unties her and picks the locks to her handcuffs. Once she’s free, he gently touches her wrists earning another flinch “What did they do to you?” She doesn’t answer and he sighs. “I’m getting you out of here” he puts an arm under her and stands, gently bringing her up with him before teleporting out.

They reappear in a room full of tubes and Five lowers Ash to the floor before hurriedly sending out a couple of messages. Suddenly the Handler appears.

“I see you found my special guest.” She announces making Five teleport himself protectively in front of Ash.

“This had nothing to do with her.” He growls

“I know.” The Handler shrugs “She was just an unfortunate casualty in our pursuit. You knew what involving her would do, yet you still did it. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again Five, you really need to drop the dead weight.”

“She is not dead weight.” Five argues.

The handler groans,“You’re a first-rate pragmatist. You belong here with us, not playing house with some little girl.”

“I don’t belong anywhere thanks to you. You made me a killer.”Five retorts.

The Handler then angrily pulls out a gun and starts shooting, in response Five grabs Ash and teleports around the room, avoiding the bullets.

“Everyone has a limit Five, even you” She taunts.

In response Five waves a grenade before throwing it and teleporting out of the room.

They appear in the briefcase room where Five hastily grabs one and pulls Ash out of the room,he tosses another grenade into the room ,grabs Ash while subtly shielding her from the explosion, and activates the suitcase.

—————

“Oh my god” Allison exclaimes as Five and Ash fall from the ceiling and crash into the bar. They roll off it and Ash pushes herself up, now rebuffing Five’s attempts to help her up.

“Where have you two been?”

“I got kidnapped….. Spent the past 2…… 2 days getting the crap beat out of me while this….. this Jackass was playing house with a goddamn mannequin.” Ash chokes lowering herself to the ground, trying to walk was a bad idea

“So you found out about Delores?” Klaus asks

“Ash-” Five starts

“Fuck you Five.” She snaps as she once again loses consciousness.

—————-

She wakes up a few hours later with a start and immediately regrets jumping up. She takes a moment to focus on her surroundings. She’s back in her room at the academy, safe. Someone also took the liberty of bandaging up her wrists and stomach. She also notices that her uniform is nowhere to be found meaning that she’s….. in a state of undress.

She quickly pulls her comforter up to her chin when the door opens, relaxing only when she sees it’s mom.

“You gave us quite the scare Natasha”

“Mom?”

“You must be starving” she smiles and sits a tray on her nightstand.

“Wh...what happened?”

“You passed out and were brought up here, then I patched you up and let you rest. Your body went through a lot of trauma and you need to rest now.” She removes the cover from her plate. “I made your favorite, try to get some more sleep when you’re done. I’ll check on you later okay?” She flashes a still confused Ash a comforting smile and leaves.

[momoyomaki]

Could Five realistically be autistic based solely on what we see on the show?

I stumbled across the theory that Five is autistic, and as someone with autism I find that very interesting. I’m not yet convinced he does have autism, but I’m not convinced he doesn’t either.

So let’s take this apart. :cracks knuckles:

First off, a couple things to keep in mind:

-No two autistic people are exactly the same.

-I am drawing on my own experience living with autism, and what I’ve witnessed from my sister and the kids I work with.

-Disabilities that affect the brain overlap. Many different things can affect the same areas of the brain, and we just categorize things for ease of assigning coping mechanisms. For example, if you were to take a brain scan of my brother who has PTSD, my sister who has brain damage from childhood trauma, and myself with autism, the scans would look very similar.

-Whether or not Five has autism, he most definitely has PTSD.

-Please chime in with your own theories and experiences, I’d love to open this TED talk up.

Ok here we go:

Klaus calls Five addicted to the apocalypse and he’s not wrong. Through an autistic lens, obsessing and hyper-fixating is like our bread and butter. My hyper-fixations have driven me to all sorts of extremes, like staying up for 24 hours, and giving myself heatstroke by hyper-fixating while outside. Whether Five is autistic or not he can obviously relate. His obsession with stopping the apocalypse drives him for 40+ years. He carries an eyeball around the entire time. His fixation on returning to his family keeps him going through his career as a hitman, something he makes clear he didn’t enjoy. On that note, he spent an episode walking around with a goddamn bullet wound. Talk about mind over matter, and also another tick in the hyper-fixation column. Again, when he checks on Klaus after he time travels to the Vietnam War, he’s clearly concerned for him, but gets sidetracked once again by his need to stop the apocalypse. Which is honestly valid, I mean, it’s the apocalypse.

Dolores. Anybody whose seen a decent therapist will probably have been told “yeah I know it sounds crazy, but try talking to yourself.” Being your own sounding board is a very healthy thing believe it or not, and Five uses Dolores for this purpose. Those with autism in my experience have crazy good imaginations. If I try hard enough I can fabricate fake memories to the point where I can’t quite remember it’s not true. I think this has a lot to do with the way autism thinks in pictures. Imaginary friend anyone? So Five finding Dolores and talking with her as if she were real for so long that he actually sees and hears her as a person? Totally believable and something I could see having happened to myself under the right circumstances. That being said, I feel he’s probably perfectly aware that she is, in fact, a mannequin. Dolores can be seen as a sign of Five having snapped or as a brilliant way of keeping his sanity while isolated for decades.

Coffee. Five’s caffeine addiction is probably not related to autism in anyway whatsoever, but boy can I relate. Coffee is my holy grail because it calms my personal blend of brain chemicals down enough for me to focus on things like driving. Of course that’s my ADHD talking. It’s not uncommon for those with autism to also have ADHD, but that’s a whole other post. So let’s just say Five’s relatable and leave it at that.

Sarcasm and Snark. Possibly the most common coping mechanism ever for any problem in existence. Probably just a part of Five’s glorious personality, but let’s say he developed it the way I did. As a way of taking on the world, sarcasm makes everything more bearable. It’s also a form of humor and nothing is as good as humor to cover social missteps. It takes you from being a weird outcast to being the Funny/Sarcastic Friend™️.

Five and routine. The first thing Five does when returning to the past is make his signature sandwich. Here he is, back with his family after all this time, and he doesn’t allow himself to bask in that, because the count down to the apocalypse has started. There’s no way he isn’t thrown off though, come on. 13 years old again with his family alive. When feeling shaken, most people with autism will absolutely fall back into routines even if they’re old ones. And who wants to bet he drove past at least one other perfectly serviceable shop with coffee on his way to Griddy’s and ignored them in favour of familiarity? And of course he works to get Dolores back right off the bat. When upset over the lab getting blown up he returns to what we can assume was home during the apocalypse; the library.

Five and his ability to take people at face value despite his overactive paranoia. From my experience working with those with autism, autistic people are some of the most forgiving people you will ever meet. This doesn’t have to come from a place of kindness. It’s more our black and white nature. Something used to be this way, and now it’s that way. We tend to just accept it where others might have a million questions. This goes hand in hand with our people sense. Oh we suck at reading social cues, but our instincts in regards to a persons trustworthiness are generally bang on. You see this in Five’s chat with Hazel. He doesn’t seem to have a problem buying what Hazel’s selling. Same with Klaus, who he acknowledges more then his other siblings even if it’s in a snarky manner. (He didn’t shoot Klaus down when he talked about conjuring their dad unlike Luther, and despite his angry reaction he took Klaus’ point about being addicted to the apocalypse seriously.) He gets angry when Vanya doesn’t believe him about the apocalypse but when it becomes clear that her disbelief is not malicious he doesn’t take it out on her. In contrast he doesn’t buy the Handler’s bullshit. To sum it up, Five is a practical people person, with good instincts but an outdated copy of Social Cues for Dummies. Is this autism or an effect of 40+ years alone? Both?

Five, the pragmatist. As the Handler says, Five is a first rate pragmatist which fits how a lot of those on the spectrum are very blunt, black and white thinkers. Where my family can debate politics for hours, my opinion is always the straightest path to whatever outcome I’m arguing for.

Five and clothes. Those on the spectrum tend to be hypersensitive, and clothing can be a Thing™️ for us. Certain materials feel like they're made of needles as opposed to just itchy, jeans are too tight, turtlenecks feel like a noose, etc. This is common, but sometimes it’s less about comfy sweatpants and more about familiarity. I have an undercut and if I don’t have time to get it shaved at the usual point, I get panicky. My hair feels slightly different, it looks slightly different, and it all just doesn't feel right. Five grew up wearing the academy uniform, and while he didn’t have the luxury of a suit and tie in the apocalypse, wearing a suit was clearly important to him during his time with the Commission. Even the Handler took notice, and gifted him a suit. And the second thing he does after making a sandwich in the past is find a suit that fits him. Ok, he didn’t have any options, but he didn’t have to wear the whole outfit. He could have mixed and matched. He could have stolen something from the department store. But no, he’s got to wear a suit jacket and tie. He even grabbed his tie off the guy he strangled at Griddy’s before he took care of the last dude. (Badass power move btw.) So I find it believable that the uniform was partially about appearances and partially about Five’s comfort zone, physically speaking.

(But wait, I hear you say, how can you throw in hypersensitivity when back up this post you claimed Five could have ignored his bullet wound via hyper-fixation? Here’s the thing, hyper-fixation basically mutes the notifications our bodies send us. We can be uncontrollably hypersensitive and still not clue into our bodies screaming at us while we fixate on something. But boy, we sure notice when we snap out of it.)

Five is all or nothing, ride or die. Oh boy is he ever. And most autistic people are too. We put our all into everything we do. Doesn’t always translate to doing it well, but we definitely give it our all. (In fact, we tend to over do things and need some serious recouping time after.) This can cover things already in the hyper-fixation section, like his obsession with the apocalypse. But going all in for something is different from the magnetic pull of hyper-fixation. It’s a conscious decision for one thing. The biggest example for Five is his commitment to his family. The Hargreeves are a dysfunctional family, and Five didn’t escape this by jumping to the future. He’s hardly the perfect brother but he’s the most invested in his siblings nonetheless. He became a killer for them, threw morals out the window for the slim chance he might be able to save them. And as is established pretty quickly, he put his all into being a hitman, becoming the best there ever was. That fight scene in the diner speaks for itself. And slicing up his own arm to get at the tracker? Well, it’s pretty clear that when Five commits to something he doesn’t mess around.

Five and math. Here we hit a stereotype about autistic people and their ‘special interests.’ Yeah, it’s really common, but what most people don’t know is that the majority of those on the spectrum are not math geniuses, or geniuses of any other kind. My sister’s ‘special interest’ is still relatively useful, being science, but she’s not a genius. Mine is ‘stories.’ Books, movies, theatre, music, etc. I can devour fiction forever. It’s basically useless to society though, because I’m picky af. But okay, Five fits the stereotype and is a math genius, or at least where it applies to time travel. We see this in the flashback already. Ok, time travelling didn’t work out as he’d hoped, but he managed it at 13 when even Reginald didn’t think he could. This makes me think that his tendency to spend hours working out equations didn’t start in the apocalypse.

Does Five stim? If so, we don’t really see it. That doesn’t rule out autism though, because, well, it’s a spectrum. I only stimmed as a toddler. Some people don’t stim at all.

Vanya. Another theory I’ve seen thrown around is that Vanya is autistic. I’m not going to address that here, but I do want to say that if she is, that wouldn't affect whether or not Five is autistic. Autism is not personality after all, and they are very different people. Again, autism is a spectrum and nobody displays all the same traits. If you’re thinking it would be unrealistic for Reginald. To have adopted two kids with autism, think again. That one autistic sister of mine? Adopted as a baby before we had any idea that she was a mini me.

Five doesn’t appear obviously autistic. What most people don’t realize is that autism is at the end of the day an invisible disability. Most people will know someone at some point on the spectrum and never even realize it. Because sure, sometimes you’ll see us rocking under the table or otherwise displaying what movies have stereotyped as autistic behaviour, but most of the time you won’t notice. We’re the slightly overly bright cashier at Walmart, the quiet bookworm at school, your favourite author that writes emotions so well, the person at comic con who can recite their favourite movie line for line, that kid that gets along best with those older or younger then them. If Five is autistic we may never know, because he’s perfectly functional, but that's hardly and argument against autism either.

And finally; people relate. Nobody knows autism better then those with autism themselves, so I’m inclined to take all the posts I’ve seen about Autistic!Five as a pretty big point on the autism column.

To summarize; none of these points taken alone indicate autism, but together well.... it’s an option at least.

Thank you for coming to my TED talk, I will now open the stage to audience input before this monster grows any longer.

[imsopopfly]

To anyone worried about their power bills: according to the article this is specifically a problem for people using a service called Griddy, which lets people pay wholesale energy prices - this basically means that while it’s usually cheaper they don’t get locked in to a set rate and so aren’t protected from market fluctuations. Because of the high demand and ERCOT’s bullshit, wholesale prices have been ridiculously inflated. This is still absolutely a gross mishandling of everything and something we would not have trouble with if we were freakin regulated, but as long as you’re with a service that insulates you from market fluctuations with a set electricity price (read: most major energy companies) you personally should at least be safe from these crazy prices, as the company will absorb the increase in cost for you. If you’re with Griddy, though, well, my heart goes out to you.

I’d also like to point out that this is not Griddy’s fault, they aren’t deliberately price gouging - their entire thing is offering customers a chance to pay going energy prices and they are pretty clear about how their service works - usually it saves people money but it does so by removing the insulation from potential price spikes at the wholesale level. This is a level of risk that they’re pretty open with their customers about. Unfortunately, ERCOT pulled some bullshit to falsely drive up prices way more than they usually would, leading to a crazy spike in those wholesale prices. And to be fair to Griddy, they knew prices would go up at least somewhat due to increased demand and warned their customers weeks in advance, advising them to switch companies before the storm hit. Unfortunately, no one realized things would get this bad and many customers decided to stick around and hedge their bets, expecting more of a marginal increase. Tl;dr this is not the consumer-end power companies’ fault. This is 100% on the state government and ERCOT’s heads and they’re the ones who need to answer for this shit.

‘People Are Greedy’: The Absurd Electric Bills Slamming Texans

https://www.thedailybeast.com/dollar5152-power-bill-texas-winter-storm-hell-only-gets-worse?ref=scroll