#hit the link it's a really good edit video
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And never again, and never again They gave us two shots to the back of the head And we're all dead now
#hit the link it's a really good edit video#gerard way#bat boi#frank iero#my chemical romance#i never told you what i do for a living#decay era#or maybe it' swarm era whatever#tw: flashing lights#rubbish78gifs#my gifs#mcr
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"the magnus protocol had a whole ARG beforehand? what?"
yes! it did!
"oh so I need to have participated in this whole big thing to actually understand the podcast?"
not at all! from the official post-mortem put out by RQ, "while the ARG was not something that was necessary to participate in to understand the magnus protocol, it was designed to contain a wealth of background story and context that would enrich any player's listening experience."
"a wealth of background context that would enrich my listening experience 👀👀👀 how can I learn about this?"
SO glad you asked. sadly, many of the materials made for the arg have been taken down since the game ended 😔 (ex., the official OIAR, magnus institute, and bonzoland websites. (edit ii: I found partial wayback machine captures! see below) though @strangehauntsuk is still up!), so we're a bit low on primary sources, but in terms of learning about what happened:
for a starting point, I would really recommend this video by @pinkelotjeart
youtube
it's super accessible, it was made in real time as the game progressed and follows the solving and revelation of clues as they happened, it hits all the major points of the mystery and moments of community insanity while eliding some of the nitty gritty puzzle grinding, 10/10 would recommend.
here's the official summary put out by RQ, and I'd recommend reading through this once you've already gotten a basic handle on the flow of the story and the basic connections between major clues and events. it's got some fun behind-the-scenes info and lays out the thought process behind the puzzles in simple terms
here's the full masterdoc of all puzzles and resolutions put together in the statement remains discord server. masterdoc my absolute BELOVED, masterdoc my bethrothed, masterdoc my soul mate. I'd recommend this as a second port of call after the above video as it either contains all details about the puzzles or links to other expanded docs that do.
here's the narrative summary doc that lays out all the plot and lore discovered in three pages of plain prose. if you just want to get to the good bits as fast as you can and get blasted directly in the face by contextless lore bombs, this is the doc for you. if you don't want to start with the video, I'd say this is another good entry point.
once you've got the lay of the land, some of the game materials that I found particularly interesting include:
the in-universe east germany expat usenet forum, with all content translated into english. most of it is irrelevant space filler with occasional extremely sus lore, but I still found it fun to read through. love to soak in some fictional forum drama.
chdb.xlsx, the spreadsheet of the names of all the children the protocol 'verse magnus institute was studying/experimenting on. EDIT: here is a version of the sheet without any annotations and with all of the names in their original order, kudos to @theboombutton for catching that the commonly shared copy had the order swapped around.
klaus.xls, a (very corrupted) spreadsheet with what looks like the classifications of a bunch of old OIAR cases.
EDIT: have a few more saved materials from the game that I forgot to include.
an in-universe audio ad to apply to the OIAR that ran before archives episodes and kicked off the whole game.
an in-universe video ad to apply to the OIAR, this one is an official upload that's still up from the game itself. you can subscribe to the OIAR's official youtube channel today, if you so chose.
the robo-voicemail greeting from the OIAR's phone line.
EDIT II:
here is a wayback machine capture of the OIAR's official website.
here is a wayback machine capture of the bonzoland website.
(pretty sure both of the above captures just archived the home pages, though I haven't tried clicking all of the links. I'd say they're still worth looking at, the home pages give a good window into the vibes.)
once you start poking around in these documents, you'll find a bunch of links to others with further information, the materials I've included here just contain what I feel to be the most relevant details to getting a broad feel for the whole game. once again, huge shout out to the statement remains server, I was barely in there as the ARG was in progress and only ducked my head in every so often to find links like these. true mvps of the fandom.
#gonna pin this for a bit because every day I get 2-5 asks saying 'there was an arg? how do I learn about it?'#tmagp#video#marina marvels at life
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Its disturbing how Zionists are trying to so damn hard to convince the world that Palestinians are currently on a huge raping campaign on innocent women and girls everywhere, even though there are literally ZERO evidences so far of ONE case of a Palestinian raping or stripping any civilians (and I mean real evidence, not bigots saying its true on twitter), they simply willed it into existence by merely saying it over and over again and thinking that's enough to make it into a real concerning fact
But do you know what has been proven as a legitimate fact for decades on the other hand? Thousands of Palestinians men, women and children being systematically violated and raped on a regular basis by Israeli settlers with no consequences or sympathy from the international community.
Like we literally have videos of Israeli soldiers on camera laughing about how many Palestinian women they have raped and multiple photos and videos of Palestinians being stripped naked and beaten by soldiers. Right now there's even a video of Israeli soldiers pissing on a dead naked Palestinian man on twitter which isn't being shared around or talked about half as much as much that one video of one Israeli woman allegedly being "stripped" to a bra and shorts, even though it has already been debunked by now that she was already wearing just a bra and shorts when she was captured and that neither she nor any other Israeli hostages have suffered any kind of sexual abuse by Palestinians (as you can see by how good they're being treated in this video)
It's really remind me how White supremacists in Europe have started this propaganda that Muslim refugees shouldn't be allowed Asylum because they're here to rape European women and that rape rates in Europe will sky-rocket by their mere existence, even though again, there are zero evidence of refugees committing sexual crimes (or any crimes) on a higher rates than local citizens. In fact, in some European countries and the US, it has proven that Muslim-majority neighborhood actually have the lower crimes rate compared to their counterparts.
One thing is clear here, it seems that it doesn't matter where they live, all White supremacists (especially Zionists) have the same exact trick when shit hits the fan and its: claim that "savage brown men are coming to rape your delicate white women! So you need to kill them before that happens!" each time the people they're oppressing are standing up for their human rights.
-
Palestinians made a document that contains templates for letters to US, UK, & Canadian politicians, media outlets, and companies in relation to current events in Palestine as well as petitions & other resources. If you live in any of these countries then please select a template, edit it to your preference and send according to the instructions on the relevant page.
Here is a link to it (please share it): https://docs.google.com/document/d/1-RUOHHiEtr7uoclQgWN-tCWOihnHIp5hym89aNePi_E/mobilebasic
Aside from that, please protest, support the BDS boycott and spread awareness as much as possible.
#tw: rape#tw: death#palestine#palestinian#palestinians#gaza#anti israel#anti israeli#anti israelis#anti zionist#anti zionists#anti zionisim
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Watching Are You Sure?! EP 8 Finale
A reminder of how I do these reaction posts as I watch things. I just write my reactions and thoughts down literally they happen. Think more of a bullet point format. I'll include links when I can to videos, thanks to the people who twt who upload clips and to @dstdes for providing so many of my linked video clips. And at the end, I'll do a better wrap up of all my opinions. I hope everyone enjoyed the show, I can't believe it's over!!
JK turning on Korea's top hits on the radio and both their songs playing one after the other. They KNOW they are powerful. I like them seeing/hearing that evidence though first hand 🥰 Jikook can't be separated, even on the radio!*
JK mentioning the Park Jimin summoning spell 😭😂 lmfao I love it
"this is the boyfriend shot" Jimin says THREE TIMES IN A ROW. we get it, he said this is what it looks like to go out on a date with Jungkook. And Jimin is the one who gets to do that 😅😂🥰🥰🥰 goodness. What was that Jimin? Lol honestly though, it was a cute and cozy picture!
Did the head chef just gift them one of everything on the menu?! Lmao they have so much food!!
JK telling Jimin to basically just strip naked because he went to go undo his pants buckle because he was so full but it was already undone was such a wild statement and comment to make?? The fuck? Lmao and Jimin replying with a meme was hysterical. Joking yet blushing. Top notch 😂😂 loved it. Love them. We aren't even 20 minutes into the episode yet And that was so out of pocket 😂🤣
JK being so tickled over teasing Jimin and making him come back to the car to get him 🤣 they are so funny!
Jimin dancing SNTY 😍
Their giggles over the beds?? Lol it has to be because they saw photos originally and saw the staff had separated out the beds to be separate when they originally weren't and then still gave them matching PJs to wear 🤣🤣 idk why they would do that? Lol they aren't strangers to sharing a bed lol
Jungkook teasing Jimin over the scuzzi 😂😂
Jimin putting snowballs on his head while in the hottub lol the way JK watched him. Love 😍
Not rock paper scissors to have to lay down in the snow 🤣 Jimin forcing JK to follow through on the punishment he thought up 🤣🤣🤣 the way Jimin called him baby as JK gave him the biggest puppy eyes trying to get out of having to do it 🥺🥺🥺
Jimin just laying on the floor at the bottom of the stairs while JK has his snack. Lmfao the call and response singing they had is so cute and what a song choice! 😂 Jimin saying he likes randomly laying/sprawling/rolling on the floor at home too 😂
Them reacting to episode 1 of AYS was NOT on my bingo called but im so happy about it! The editors joking with them and their interaction with the staff made me so happy too! It was also really funny them admitting to having a hard time editing the show 😂
Their giggles heal something in my soul 🥰
And the way they are sitting so close and kept their feet touching almost the entire time?? 🥰🥰🥰
Jimin's head in JKs lap at some point while watching too. I love them
JK acting a fool in the kitchen while cooking to make Jimin laugh 🥰🥰🥰
Jimin calling JK " Honey" 🥺🥺🥺 he wanted to cheers their glasses, but he called him honey. Cute
Not them teasing each other over their snores and sleeping habits 😂
"Jimin doesn't like it when someone touches his head" JK says, while rubbing his head with Jimin unbothered. Lol Jimin will let that man do ANYTHING to him 😂 and idk if JK was trying to tease Jimin or us by flexing his privilege in our face. Probably both 😂
JK saying driving on smaller roads like this is romantic. Jimin saying "this is romance, this is youth, this is nice" 😭😭😭 fuck they are so cute
JK is flying from Japan to Korea and then basically straight back out to America for his schedule. And he choose to not drink, even though he really wanted to, because he wanted to drive Jimin to the airport, just them instead of depending on the staff to take them. Give them that extra alone time together. And he chose to fly to Korea with Jimin instead of giving himself an easier and more relaxing travel schedule with more rest by staying and flying to America from Japan instead. That is... It's really fucking special and sweet and says so much about how they love each other honestly.
Giving up his last beer of their trip, after being told to relax and not worry about it because he wanted to be the one to drive them, to have that time together, just them and a GoPro they had control over, and spending that extra travel time to be together when it made a much longer and harder few days for him? That's that persistent, dedicated, quiet yet impactful kinda love. Really said a lot without saying anything.
The tradition continues of JK filming their food before ending with a close up shot of Jimins face. love that is a constant here 🥰
"I'll make sure you have a safe journey" "it's an honor" just kill me now omfg 😭🥰😭
JK being salty that Jin didn't dream about him with Jimin in the military since they are going together 😂😂😂😂
Jikook talking about how these trips were some of the happiest moments ever. And the way they were feeling a little melancholy over the trip ending and things changing and losing this constant togetherness time they had to be free .. goodness. Enjoying the cool air while trying to feel better. Ugh, I love them. I love them so much and I love the way they love each other so much.
Talking about how they loved it so much in the ending interviews, how they were the best of times. JK softly rubbing Jimins nape and back in comfort too. I'm tearing up, damn
The way JK is looking at Jimin during that last interview outtakes. My goodness 😍 same way Jimin was looking at JK while he was driving 😍
Them ending the show by having us literally send them off to the military is cruel, omfg. I AM CRYING NOW, DAMN. "A letter from beyond" fuck you too editors 😭
Wrap up Thoughts:
I'm so sad this is over. My God. Minute of silence to mourn.
.
.
.
This was such a sweet and wholesome episode. It had teasing, it had bickering, it had pet names. It was domestic as heck. It was the perfect trip for them to end their "freedom" before military service. I would have loved more conversations about that, but I'm fairly content as it is too.
Again, so many cuts (not complaining, very normal) but my favorite was how Jimin went to go wake JK up and then it cut to them leaving. I hope they enjoyed their time cuddling and relaxing sans cameras and interruption 🥰 (my assumptions I guess, but wouldn't be far fetched)
Letting my delulu out when Jimin said he just lays wherever whenever all the time at home and me thinking about the the members teasing JK about all the random ass mattresses over his house 🤣 it's too keep them comfy no matter where they end up wanting to lay 🤣🤣 (just kidding, sort of lol)
The way Jikook play fight is so equal and cute and funny. They just shove the crap out of each other but never with an intention to hurt or be mean. And they both LOVE IT.
They trust each other, give weight to each other's words and have confidence in the others beliefs and thoughts like no one else. It's such a special bond, and I'm so so glad they opted to share this with us. I truly am so grateful. And grateful for y'all letting me share all my musings with you too. 💜
And we have to end this post with the way that Jikook were spotted in Sapporo driving in the car, Jimin being the passenger princess he was, alone with their GoPro's and giving major flirty energy. And the way the show just proved OP right too. Genuinely Jikook are so special and wonderful and amazing and I love them so much. And when they got home from this trip, the group live they did shortly after? They were sooooo touchy and snuggly!
Hope everyone is excited for the photobook and behinds as well. I unfortunately am horribly sad because I'm broke AF and cannot afford to buy it in my budget at the moment, but hopefully ARMYs will upload all the photos and upload the behinds for everyone too. I will share links if I find them.
#jikook#kookmin#jikook are you sure#jikook travel show#jikook in sapporo#jikook in 2023#jikook in japan
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Heya! 2nd req I have made for this blog for now:'D Can I request for all Niigo members(separate) x reader; Where the reader is basically a huge fan of Niigo though is in denial that they're too much of a downbad fan for their songs. But one day, they catch the reader screaming every lyrics of their song in their room(you can pick whichever song of your choice!) and gets embarrassed to find out that the specific character was actually watching and the reader tries to act as if nothing happened. It is also your choice if the reader is actually good at singing or if they're LITERALLY screaming the lyrics wahaha
Diehard fan
a/n ; this is such a funny request. please enjoy!
a/n 2 ; i included my favourite commissioned song of each member, with a link to each! pls listen to them. they’re great.
characters ; kanade, mafuyu, ena, and mizuki.
# kanade.
since the members of nightcord are anonymous, and you don’t really know that your girlfriend is the composer of your favourite group, kanade can get a bit embarrassed whenever you talk about how amazing her group’s songs are!
she finds it a bit funny how you tend to deny how big of a fan you are, and if it were up to her, she’d gladly give you the title of number one fan.
one day, however, she doesn’t expect to hear you singing passion at 25:00 in your bedroom when she comes over for her weekly visit.
she stands there, mouth agape; your voice is beautiful, and your singing no less. you manage to hit every note with no issue, how come you’ve never sung for her before? she’d love to hear more.
when you find out she’s been standing there the entire time, your face flushes red and you pretend nothing was happening. she finds it adorable. <3
# mafuyu.
she can’t quite explain it, but mafuyu feels a certain warmth in her chest whenever you talk about how much you love nightcord, especially when you talk about how the lyrics of each song resonate with you.
she doesn’t understand why you deny it, though; if you like nightcord so much, why not express it?
it’s not until she finds you in your bedroom, as she arrived to your house for a ‘study session’ (a lie she told to her mother), singing saisei, that she seems to understand.
were you shy about singing in front of her? ashamed? you shouldn’t be — she finds your voice so comforting, and mafuyu feels a small, genuine smile form on her face.
it goes away, however, as soon as you notice her standing outside your door and go beet red; coughing into your fist and beckoning her to come inside. you really should sing for her sometime.
# ena.
ena can’t help but feel a bit proud of herself whenever you gush about nightcord — especially when you mention the artwork of each music video. that’s her art you’re praising; she wishes you knew that you were dating the illustrator.
she always asks why you deny it, and you respond with “i’m not denying anything!” which always makes her giggle.
nothing can stop her from being shocked, happy, and head over heels all at the same time, when she finds you in your bedroom singing i am rain, though.
it was a relatively new song from her group, and the fact that you already know each lyric by heart? could she be more in love?
she laughs as you realize she had been there the whole time, a lovestruck grin on her face as she enters your room.
# mizuki.
mizuki loves when you talk about nightcord! they can’t help but feel giddy whenever you mention the music videos, and how well they’re edited. that’s their work! and! you’re praising it!
they don’t question you when you deny your love for nightcord, only smiling as you continue to gush about it.
though, they’re absolutely awestruck by you, when they find you singing kimi no yoru wo kure in your room.
they feel like crying; you’re singing beautifully, and a song that’s dear to their heart, too. just when i thought i couldn’t love them more. they think to themselves.
giggling when you realize they’ve been there the whole time, they give you a hug; beyond grateful that you’re in their life.
#kanade yoisaki#kanade yoisaki x reader#mafuyu asahina#mafuyu asahina x reader#ena shinonome#ena shinonome x reader#mizuki akiyama#mizuki akiyama x reader#imagines#project sekai#project sekai x reader
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A Discovery
pairing: tfem jackie taylor x masc reader
warnings: all characters are 18+, watching porn, masturbation, mentions creampies, goodboy and other terms are used for reader, is this to be taken serious? who knows
summary: shauna stumbles on some interesting porn.
kinktober 23/24: watching porn
sequel to this
edited by my lovely girlfriend @specialinterestshows 🥰
Shauna took a deep breath, closing the word document on her screen so she could take a little break from the assignment she was stupidly writing at the last minute. She was thankful that her professor took a few days before going through them, so even if she was a day late, she would be okay.
She shifted in her seat, wanting to get comfortable as she double clicked on the browser. Typing in some random thing, she hit enter and when she saw the first link, she clicked on it quickly. The link read:
“COME MAKE CREAMPIES WITH ME!”
What sold Shauna on it was the emojis they used in the title. Yeah, Shauna watched porn occasionally, but she wasn’t really drawn to POV-style porn videos.
As soon as she clicked play, she waited for the “skip ad” button before slipping her hand back into her pants. She clicked it, rubbing herself through her underwear.
”Come sit on Mommy’s cock, baby boy,” the woman on the video whispered, just loud enough that you could barely hear her.
When the person backed up on the woman’s cock, Shauna began to rub harder.
”Good boy,” she praised again, causing Shauna to whimper. Realizing that she was home alone, she turned the volume all the way up so she could hear better. ”You take Mommy’s cock so good.”
Shauna gave her computer an odd look, but continued to rub herself through her underwear. She couldn’t quite put a finger to why this video was strange to her - but she continued to watch.
Shauna’s mouth fell open, listening the bottom beg, wishing she could fuck them. Shauna closed her mouth when she noticed the pool in the background and the very odd shade of blue of the fence. Shaking her head, she focused back on the couple fucking.
”Please, Mommy,” they whimpered as the woman fucking them began to speed up her movements. ”Fuck, you- you feel so good.”
Shauna was already close, watching as they begged for her to come inside of them. Taking a deep breath as she paused the video with her free hand so she could focus on pulling her pants and underwear down to her ankles. Looking up at the screen before she clicked play, she hesitated, seeing a backpack in view. Normally, she wouldn’t even pay attention to such a small detail, but it looked familiar. Then she saw a keychain that only two people would have - Jackie and herself.
Shauna took a deep breath, shaking the thoughts out of her head. There was no way this was Jackie, even though that keychain was custom-made for their friendship anniversary. It was just a weird coincidence, she thought, pushing play again before sliding two fingers inside of herself.
”Get ready, fuckin’ slut,” she growled, fucking them harder for a few moments before holding them down on her cock. ”Fuck!”
Shauna came as she watched the cum run down and out of their pussy. She fucked herself through her orgasm, imagining being the one to fuck them. Pulling her fingers out, she leaned back in her seat. She sucked on her fingers as she watched the rest of the video, but when they got off the woman’s cock and onto their knees, she panicked.
It was Jackie’s neighbor, (Your Name). She pulled her fingers out of her mouth and sat up, clicking on the profile. She scanned over their bio reading:
Just a college couple who likes to film outside in J's backyard. Sometimes we’ll film in the bedroom, but more often than not, we prefer outside. J is dominant while (your first initial, lower case) is submissive. We hope that you enjoy our page and if you have any requests, feel free to message us! Now onto our likes and dislikes…
Shauna turned her computer off before sitting and staring at the wall.
She had just found her best friend's porn.
She had just gotten off to her best friend's porn.
Shauna jumped, snapping out of her thoughts as her phone rang. She took a deep breath, seeing that it was Jackie calling.
Shauna answered the phone. “Hey, Jax, what’s up?”
”Wanna come over and swim today?”
#jackie taylor#jackie taylor x reader#shauna shipman#yellowjackets#yellowjackets x reader#my writing#mine
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YOU BELONG WITH ME; QUACKITY X READER (STRANGERS TO FRIENDS TO LOVERS, SLOW BURN.)
A/N: Hiii! I did not realize how hard it is for me to write about friends to lovers until I was writing this. I think I'm better at established relationship stuff, hahaha. But there was an interesting request in my inbox if I could write a Quackity X Reader piece, where the reader is hired by Quackity to edit his videos and Spanish subtitles and such, and proceeds to fall for him somewhere along the way. So, I did that, with a few twists of my own imagination. Be aware, that this story includes usage of alcohol. And it's painfully slow burn at times, hahaha, but that's the beauty of it sometimes.
I can’t remember a time in my life when I have felt more hopeless. Looking for a job really sucks, actually many things suck and I hate how life seems to pass me by, almost even faster when I feel like running out time, almost as if to tempt me to keep count of all the time I waste. Time flies when your life is falling apart, isn’t that what they say?
I wish it was few days ago when this started, this desperate job-hunt, but it’s been so long now. I need something, and fast.
I see my phone light up, the only source of light in the dark room. I see it’s already 11 PM, which means I have wasted another night staying up thinking about my future and where do I fit, if anywhere. Great.
Besides that, what captures my attention next is that it’s my friend texting me, and they’re not here to chit-chat about the usual stuff we talk about every night, but telling me they have a perfect plan for me that’s worth a shot. I wonder how that’s possible, at 11 on a Monday night, and how do they know it any better than me what’s right for me? We both know that’s a lie, though, they know things about me before I even know them myself.
I demand to know more about this plan. I’ll try anything, that’s for sure. Anything to get my foot in the door in this world, you know? The next thing they send me is a mysterious link. I click on it and see it taking me to an application form. For what exactly?
I let out a frustrated puff once I read the first line;
“We are hiring! Apply here for the position of ‘Video Editor’ and ‘Translator’ for Quackity!”
Ridiculous. I already feel defeated, rejected, because how would I have a chance, out of everybody else applying? What makes me special? That’s probably one of the questions on the application and I don’t see myself writing anything worth reading over in it.
I text my friend promptly, my will to fight suddenly vanishing into thin air, telling them exactly what I think of this idea, that it’s far-fetched and I’m not going along with it. Still, curiosity, or whatever, is kind of getting the best of me, I can’t lie, as I eye the open application.
My friend texts me back, full of persistence;
“And why not? You studied editing and you’re good at it AND you speak Spanish which is what they’re looking for. You’re the whole package?! Tell me I’m wrong, you can’t.” 11:06 PM
Well, I can’t argue on that. It’s my power that I did happen to take editing courses, and Spanish courses too, for reasons I wasn’t sure about back then, but now it could all make sense.
I confess to my friend that I’m actually considering filling out the form, but I feel stuck. I don’t know what I would answer to certain questions such as why should they hire me, or what makes me, well, me. I don’t know.
I mentally hit a dead-end as soon as I got to the question of what makes me unique and stand out from the other candidates. I wrote out my first, honest thoughts, and everything the perfect version of me in the perfect world would think or say, if I only was more brave and less insecure. I wrote, a lot of stuff. If I say so myself, it was a good application in the end, with a little humour.
The scary part was to scroll down the page, hit the blue ‘submit’ button, and watch text appear on the screen;
“Thanks for your application and your interest towards working with us! We will be in contact as soon as possible as the recruitment process will proceed!”
I think I just jumped out of my skin. I want to cringe at the thought of them reading over my application. Can I just not be me for a second, while I try to get over this?
I text my friend the last thing for the night, before deciding I need to sleep this shame off, and maybe tomorrow it all doesn’t matter, and we move on;
“Guess what? I just sent the application. I hope you’re happy now.” 11:25 PM
I watch their text pop up;
“I am! You’ll be too when they hire you, trust me!” 11:26 PM
Sure, I think, almost wanting to roll my eyes. I appreciate the enthusiasm my friend has for my future when I don’t have any, but I mean, like I said before, this is an insane attempt. I drift to sleep soon after. A total shocker that I was able to even sleep a wink that night. What have I done and what am I doing to myself?
.
The more time went by, the more all of this felt like a joke I always knew it was. It’s been a week now since I sent the application, and everything almost feels too normal for anything life-changing to happen anytime soon.
Well, it wasn’t until I checked my email on a Wednesday morning when things started to feel somewhat real and moving again. I had something there waiting for me. An email regarding my application. I imagined it to be a nicely worded rejection, something along the lines of “We would like to thank you for your interest in us and the position you have applied for. Unfortunately, at this point, you are not being considered for this role, blah blah blah.”
I suddenly felt like I was in fact not fine at all, when I started reading through it;
“Welcome to our team! We were impressed by your application and would love to proceed further with you! Please reply to this email as soon as possible if you are still available and interested in this position.”
What do I do?! I will reply, tell them I’m still interested, right? That I’m ready for things to proceed. Am I? How, or why, am I the lucky one here? I’m not used to claiming first place, I’m usually just a runner-up. But here begins my winning streak, I guess.
I type a response with shaky hands, then put my phone down. I don’t think I’m actually ready for things to move any faster than I can take, and it’s already feeling like a lot right now, like I’m biting off more than I can chew. But if they see enough potential in me, it’s all in my head.
Safe to say that it startled me when not even a few minutes later I received a follow-up email, asking me a few more questions, to which I replied to to the best of my ability. Questions such as am I certain I can commit to such schedule in a long run. It was sinking in for me as I was typing, that this really is a one hell of an opportunity that they are offering me, and I need to be the best. There’s no other option.
The next email they sent, it meant all business;
“We are thrilled to hear you are ready to work with us! Would you be free for a call tomorrow at 8 PM?”
Okay, straight to the point. I tell them I’m free and ready.
Except that I didn’t feel so ready anymore when I received one last email;
“Great! We will have Alex call you tomorrow.”
Yeah, I’m absolutely sweating bullets now. I stayed up much later than I had intended that night, mostly thinking about how fast things are happening now, and if I have started something here I can’t end. I typed his name countless times into the internet to see more of him, but it feels like the more I know, the less capable I am of dreaming of the possibilities of what will happen. So I just went to bed.
.
The next day arrived faster than I hoped it would. Can I really do this? Am I ready? So many questions and not enough time to figure out the answers. Quite literally, because I lingered in bed the whole day and hurriedly had to jump into my clothes when I eventually got myself up.
It was 7.50 PM when I sat myself down at my desk, ready to take on whatever was coming. Even if it knocks me down once, I will get up twice. No matter what it takes. It didn’t help my nerves when I kept checking and re-checking the time on my phone. Now I just want to get over with it, so I can finally have some peace of mind and not live in the distress for a minute longer.
Then it was finally 8 PM, sharp. This is a waiting game, I guess. A matter of minutes.
When the phone finally rang, it was 10 minutes later. The longest 10 minutes of my life, by the way. I’m surprised I didn’t curl up and die within those 10 minutes, that’s what it felt like.
I give myself a few second pep-talk, clearing my throat, before picking up as nonchalant as I could, acting like I haven’t been sitting and waiting here shaking like a leaf, thinking about if death was more painless, “hi there!”
I mentally cringe at myself for sounding a little too excited and loud, but Alex didn’t seem to mind as he speaks back to me, “hi! Hello. How are you?”
“I’m good, yeah! Nervous, actually, if you can’t tell yet. You?” I’m already starting to crumble and my voice is wavering as I realise that I’m just… me, and he is he. Even as strangers, he’s way out of my league. He is known, adored, watched by millions of people, I am not. I’m average, boring, some would even say. I don’t blame them. So, remind me how am I, out of everyone, here, in this situation?
I hear him smile into the phone, “don’t be. I’m good, fuckin’ amazing, to answer your question. And just overall, you know…,” he trails off, before taking a sharp breath, “anyway, I guess I’m just here to sort of do a vibe check. I mean, I can tell you’re cool, so there should be no problems there, but—talk to me, about anything. I would appreciate it, though if it was related to the job, but don’t fret too much, okay?”
I now smile to myself too and at the fact that he, first of all, is here trying his best not to overwhelm me, and that he keeps cussing as if he doesn’t care this is technically a business call. I could loosen up a bit too in my own ways.
“Well, I—first of all, thanks for doing this. I’m really excited about this opportunity,” I ramble until I realize how I’m getting a bit sidetracked here from the question, thankfully he doesn’t point it out, but instead encourages me to keep going, so I did, this time right on subject. I tell him what I can, about myself and my studies that I worked hard for and that would benefit me in succeeding in this job position. He listens every word, throwing in some comments and pleased sounds, as to approve what he’s hearing.
“Wow, yeah, that’s fuckin’ impressive, you should be proud. Not everyone can do it, you know? Like that’s some tough shit if you want to be any good, so I definitely respect what you got goin’ on.”
Why am I now spiraling? Maybe because I can’t recall the last time someone bothered to compliment me on this so thoroughly, and out of all the people possible, it has to be him. I didn’t expect it to actually rob me of words like this.
“Thanks,” I eventually stutter, “didn’t think I was going to hear that, especially from you. It means a lot.”
“Of course, I’m glad it means a lot. I really mean it.”
This is definitely not the kind of vibe I had prepared myself for. I feel like we are already…. bonding? Just a little bit. I feel it more as we keep talking, and one conversation turns into another and then another. I learn something, that he undeniably has a great sense of humour, very witty and likes to laugh, but can also be serious when needed, talk sense into anybody and be the voice of reason. I think it was at least for a good hour that we just exchanged words and stories, and laughed a lot too, of course. I even come out of my shell and tell him jokes, that makes him laugh in turn.
Before we could get any more in depth, he mutters through a yawn, “I’m genuinely excited to have you, it’s gonna be so fuckin’ great. So, welcome to the Team Quackity—no one says that, I just made that up, I just lied to you—but, I really think you’re gonna do amazing. I think I’m going to put my little best foot forward and head to bed at a decent time, for once. My feet are not little though, like I’m not a fuckin’ gnome or anything.“
We both laugh. It is getting somewhat late and our brains are getting to the stage of tiredness when everything said is suddenly funny. It’s very reassuring to see this human side of him, that he is so easy to talk to and that maybe I was anxious for nothing, and felt the pressure to appear so interesting for nothing, because he made me feel interesting so effortlessly.
And I guess I’m in now, I got the job, judging by his words, that he is excited to have me around in the future. It’s going to take a while to get used to this. Maybe I ever won’t, so he’ll always keep me on my toes.
”I’ll see—or talk to you soon, I think,” I tell him.
He doesn’t bother correcting me or himself, “yeah, I’ll see you soon, very soon probably.”
After that all I heard was rustling from his end and a small noise indicating he was getting tired, so we both know it’s time to wrap things up here. Until next time. It made me want to squirm to know there will be a next time.
I still don’t know how I managed to fall asleep that night with a mind running a thousand miles an hour, but I did, eventually.
.
It didn’t take many days at all before I already had something waiting for me in my inbox, some work to do. This is what he must have meant by seeing me very soon.
And so the first day of work and then a whole week of work was over in a blink of an eye, and I found myself busy trying to juggle everything. Doing my best was the best I could do, as I spent my days taking everything in and making this my new normal. Speaking of, it will take a while for any of this to feel normal.
I got to put my rusty Spanish skills to use, I even surprised myself with how easy I suddenly found the language I struggled with at a certain point in my life. I guess all it really takes is finding the right thing.
As to what comes to Alex, I barely hear from him. Mostly because this is strictly business, and when we do talk, it’s about work, and even then he keeps it very short. I understand, he’s busy, I’m not his only priority. The one-on-one talk I got to have with him on the phone that one night, when he was supposed to interview me but we ended up talking about anything else, that was one time and definitely won’t be something that happens frequently. Things have changed since then. There has to be some boundaries set of what is appropriate, because after all, I just work for him and not playing any role of a friend.
So, it’s been very independent, lonely at times, doing this job and I don’t know how or who to talk to about it. New job blues, it must be. Whatever it is, I don’t like it.
.
I was startled out of my sleep to my phone obnoxiously ringing. Well, it was obnoxious at first to be woken up like that, until I realised there aren’t many people who would call me this early in the morning.
I make grabby hands for it, until I find it in the midst of the covers, and to my horror see Alex’s name on the screen. It was still there no matter how many times I tried to blink the sleep out of my eyes, confirming I’m not dreaming. This could be pretty much about anything, which scares me. It’s very unlikely for him to call me anymore just to chit-chat about nothing in particular. There has to be something else.
I hesitantly pick up, “hello?”
“Hi! I just wanted to… you know, check in, ask how’s it going?” he sounds way too happy for there to be to bad news. Whew.
I tell him it’s going good and hear the smile in his voice as he seems to be satisfied with my brief answer, “good, I’m glad. I know it might be a shit show at first, like everything’s new, you feel like you’re alone in it—all of that, but you’re not, okay? Like, I really do appreciate the hell out of you and what you’ve done so far. It’s been really great to see it!”
“Thanks. That’s actually what I needed to hear. It’s been a lot of…. change for me,” I feel like I’m flustered like a fool right now, good thing he can’t see it because I must look crazy. I wish I knew better words to express my gratitude for him right now, because it’s exactly what I wanted to hear, especially after feeling low, but I never thought he’d actually say it. Especially not right now on this specific, beautiful morning when I’m still half asleep and oblivious to the world.
“I’m sorry if I haven’t really been there to show my appreciation more, but I’m genuinely just so fuckin’ busy, or if I’m not busy I’m sleeping or some shit, because as great as I am, I still do need my little beauty sleeps. But, if there’s anything I can do for you, just—you will let me know, right?”
I don’t know where this is coming from and what is causing him to talk to me in such confidence and care. All I know is that I suddenly don’t feel as alone as I did not too long ago.
“Sure. I’m really glad you told me that. Takes a bit of a weight off my shoulders.”
“Of course,” he emphasizes, “I’m glad we’re on the same page. So, what are you doing right now?”
I’m surprised at his attempt to keep talking to me instead of hurrying to go on with his day, like he usually does. I rack my brain for something sensible, if there’s a right answer to his question, “uh—is this a trick question? Is there something I forgot to do?”
He laughs, “no, no, I swear! So, you’re not up bright and early, not a morning person?”
“Who is?” I chuckle and fight off a yawn.
He groanes as if stretching himself to prove his point, “fair. So, you’re not doing anything? You’re free to—I don’t know—have a little chat?”
Is there something he hopes to discuss, since he keeps hanging on the line? I don’t know for the life of me what that would or could be, or maybe I’m wrong and mean and paranoid and he is just kind enough to call me and initiate conversation after not hearing from me in a while.
“Yeah, sure. Anything in particular you want to talk about?”
“No. Just anything, like fuckin’… why Spanish? Why did you learnt Spanish in the first place? Why did you chose it?”
Great question. I smile to myself, “sounds like you had something to ask me all along.”
And so we fell into a conversation about it, about me deciding to learn Spanish in the first place, me telling him it was more of decision that I made one night when I was bored and couldn’t sleep and thought it was a such a godsent, brilliant idea. And so I applied for those classes that same night, I think I was half asleep and delirious, and the next morning I had to suck it up and face the consequences of my sleepy actions and attend those damn classes. It was surely tough at first, like everything new is, but eventually, with some hard work, I got the hang of it.
It was over 30 minutes later, when we finally said goodbyes and hung up and then it was silent again, except for his words now echoing in my head, and how he seemed to be very into learning more about me, like he eats, sleeps and breathes that new information.
Now that I sort of have his permission to rely on him if I need to, I want to make the most of it. I mean, possibly, if I ever need it, but on the flip side, I’m aware I’m not here to make friends or connections. We haven’t really even connected more than as people who work together so far, which I understand. Except for those few longer talks we’ve had on the phone, but I think since he’s so approachable, he probably talks like that with everyone. I don’t feel too special yet.
.
Things slowly made more sense and fell into place as it was that same cycle for the remaining of the week and the weeks after. I spent the days sitting at my desk, working. Time flied, for sure. The only thing that made me feel as if the days were dragging, was that I didn’t hear much from Alex. I actually didn’t hear from him at all, except for when I reached out to him concerning work, but other than that we didn’t really talk. I didn’t want to be the one to reach out to him for a casual chat, because it felt inappropriate, unprofessional even.
I definitely got crashed back to the harsh reality from whatever high I had been on when he used to have the time to talk to me. I understand it, but I did kind of crave some human interaction, some communication. Blame it on me and that I’m a people person and that maybe I find him interesting just a little bit.
I want to know how he is doing and kind of wanted to have him ask me how was I doing too. Well, I am buried in work, that’s how I’m doing. I sometimes too need something, or someone, to share the burden with. I wonder if I’ll always feel this way.
.
Something blaring disrupts my sleep and wakes me up. Whatever it is, it’s too loud for whatever time it is. It’s not my alarm, I acknowledge, but my ringtone. My phone. I recognize that sound.
It almost hurt to pry my weary eyes open so fast, but I still experience a deja-vu. This sort of feels all too familiar, doesn’t it? Who’s calling me this early? It’s 9 AM on a... Saturday!? I completely forgot it‘s the weekend. That’s what intense work hours does to a human.
“Hello?” I didn’t even try to conceal the sleep in my voice.
“Well, hello to you too,” my oh-so-dear-friend speaks on the line. Right now I feel like I could tell them off, but to be fair, we haven’t talked in a long while. I just realised how long it’s been since I have heard their voice now that I’m hearing it.
I groan groggily, “hi, hello. Cut the chit-chat and tell me why you woke me up.”
I pull the phone away to check the time again on the screen, if I had read it correctly. Yep, 9.01 AM on a Saturday morning. No one should be awake at this hour, especially not me.
“I was finally able to sleep in today, you knew this,” I keep whining.
My friend just laughs like this is all a joke, “or you could come and have breakfast with me, just like the old times. I work too, so don’t tired-shame me! I love sleep as much as you do, but it’s not every weekend we can do this anymore. You barely even talk to me these days.”
I sigh again, now out of pity, because as tired as I am, they’re right. We really don’t even talk as much as we used to do when we were not busy with work and well, adulting. Life. Ugh.
“Fine,” I eventually agree to it, “you got me. I’ll see you soon then, I guess.”
My friend squeals, “you really gave in already, this easily? I’ll see you soon!”
I stretch my tired body that feels like it isn’t ready to get up just yet. I need a minute, or two, or ten to wake up and I probably have like 30 minutes to an hour to get ready. Definitely enough, even if I stall in bed for a bit longer. And that’s what I’m planning on doing.
I cry out when my phone rings again not even a few minutes later. There’s no way my friend is on their way already. Or maybe something came up and they are telling me I can go back to sleep. Am I an awful person for wishing that? I had a change of attitude when I saw who was calling me.
“Hello?”
“Hey! Long time no see, or talk,” he speaks. It’s Alex.
Why is he calling me now? I’m suddenly feeling way more awake than I did just seconds ago. Yeah, screw sleep. What does he want?
“Yeah,” I laugh nervously, “what’s up?”
“So, something needs to be up for me to call you? I can’t just call you?” he speaks before breaking into laughter, “I’m just fuckin’ around, I’m kidding! Anyway, speaking of that seeing, how—what would you say if I asked if you want to pop a visit to my place? I’d love to see you in person, you know, and I’m in town, I have like no shit to do for once, I’m a free fuckin’ man. If I was you, I’d take advantage of that, but you do you, I guess.”
This is not what I expected in a million years. Even if his house was the only house in this world, I still wouldn’t expect access there. I mean, I’m flattered as hell, but why? I’m sure he has other friends he would rather see—and we’re not even friends, actually.
I guess kindness comes in many forms. He doesn’t really owe me anything, especially letting me to see such a private part of his life like the place he calls home. Just because I’m now a part of his job, an acquaintance perhaps, doesn’t mean he has an obligation to let me see more of him. But, who am I to say no?
I hesitate, before finally uttering a response, “sure—I mean, if you’re sure, then yes. I’d like to, it’s not like I have anything to do.”
Except that I actually do have something to do. The breakfast.
Of course I don’t have the heart to correct myself, not when Alex sounds this excited, “great! So, I’ll be expecting you… let’s say in a few hours? Nothing too crazy. I want to—you know, I usually have a thing that I want to see as many people as I can who I’m working with to kind of, just to see them, makes sense, right? A vibe check, some would say.”
Finally he tells me he’ll text me the address later and there he goes, as the line goes dead and I’m left with my own thoughts. As terrified as I feel, I also do feel a little curious. What’s going to actually happen once I get there? Is this a build-up to something bigger? What will he think of me when I’m not just an ideal voice on the phone, but a real, existing person standing in front of him?
I call my friend and they immediately pick up, “there’s no way you’re already ready! I’m leaving in a few—”
“No!” I yap, “listen—this is an actual emergency, like Alex just called me and asked me to come over, like he actually wants to see me and I said yes, because I spoke before I could think, so here I am, thinking what the hell I have just done.”
“What? What are you talking about? Like right now? You have to go right now?”
“Like soon-ish, yeah, I mean—should I not? Am I actually going to go?”
“Of course you’re going! In what world would you not go?!”
“So—you’re okay with it?” I ask. I don’t care what anyone’s telling me right now, I still feel stubborn if this is the right thing to do. I mean, there’s a lot at stake here. I could like, say something stupid to him or get all tongue-tied.
My friend sighs loudly, “I’m saying this as kindly as I can, but shut up. You’re going! I’ll just see you another day! Just tell me how it goes then.”
We talked for a bit more, or more like, my friend talked and I halfheartedly listened. I feel completely unprepared for what is about to happen. Good luck to me. Luckiness is not my strong suit, but it has to be today.
.
I was finally walking to the bus stop when a drizzling rain started to fall, and it did when I got on and off the bus too. Before I was caught in a storm, I check the address on my phone, and then I’m on my way to my destination.
It was not more than 15 minutes when I had made it, and there it was. In front of me was a really nice apartment building. The dark, cloudy sky made it look even more majestic, as it stood tall and proud. As I walk along the concrete sidewalk, I maneuvered my way to the entrance and right up the few front steps.
I feel like I’m doing something I shouldn’t as I make my way inside. Thankfully, I don’t see anyone as I step into the well-lit lobby, because I was definitely a sight to see, a bit damp from the rain and looking around like I don’t know where I am.
My heart is still heavy in my chest and my ears in the elevator. I keep tapping my foot whenever I could keep myself still, which was nearly impossible. But I had some time to think; what do I actually do once I’m there? No idea.
I finally make it to the right door and then it’s now or never. Well, it’s not going to get any easier, so I guess I have to go for it. After I gather the courage to ring the doorbell, I hear the lock turn and see the knob twist, and there he is, in front of me.
He has a really nice, contagious smile that I’ve only seen on screen before, but I never saw just how it reaches his eyes, the dark and captivating eyes that reminds me of nice things in life, framed by his long lashes. He looks relaxed, his face a bit sleepy and his hair covered by a black beanie.
“Hey!” he smiles wide, looking like he can’t stay put in one place much longer either, “it’s so nice to see you! Come here!”
Before I have the time to say or do anything, he pulls me into a warm, welcoming hug. Definitely a good hugger too. His scent fills the air around me, which has a calming effect. The hug was warm like a sweater and a soft, pleased sigh escaped his lips.
“Hi,” I mumble against him, “it is. I didn’t know you’re a hug person. Noted.”
Alex just laughs, like it was everyday for him, “thanks for thinking I’m an asshole. What, should I just fuckin’… push you like the asshole I am?”
We laugh off any tension, if there ever was any to begin with. See, he’s really funny like that, which makes me think that maybe there won’t be any rough patches today and we will get along fine. When we pull apart, he takes his body heat away with him, and I feel a little chilly again from the rainfall. He steps aside in the doorway and with an excited grin, invites me in, “come on in!”
I give him a tight-lipped smile as I walk past him, “gladly, thanks.”
God, I need to stop being so formal and boring, and lighten up a little. My head is still hazy, I can’t remember the reason why I am here in the first place. Was there ever such thing? Guess I’ll find out soon.
He shows me around inside. What I saw in front of me, was a place that was really simple yet modern, very inviting indeed. Lots of tones of grey and white. There wasn’t any clutter in my sight, everything looked squeaky clean and organized. There was a corner that looked like his streaming set-up, that looked more messy than the rest of his place did.
“So, this is my place slash office, where I do work. Hence the name ‘office’,” he tells as he gestures me to take a look around. I laugh, and he seems satisfied at successfully amusing me, as he moves our attention to the living room.
I agape at how spotless it is wherever I look at. There’s no way he does this himself with a schedule like his, or if he does, it’s impressive.
“I’m a clean-fuckin’-person, okay! As you can see. Honestly, my life hack would be just not to do shit. If you don’t do anything, there won’t be a mess. See, it’s fuckin’ easy.”
We both snicker out loud again and he motions at the tiny kitchen, exclaiming, “this is where I cook! I bust my little ass in this little kitchen every day.”
“You do?” I ask, surprised. Shit, I didn’t mean to say that out loud, especially after what he said, so now it sounds kind of awkward, but it’s also kind of funny. I’m just surprised that he seems to be so good at everything.
He just chuckles, “yeah. I’ll show you someday. Only if you promise to pay attention to the food and not only to my ass, like get your priorities straight first.”
Oh God. Someday? I’m here for the long run? I’m just going to ignore the latter comment. I put my hands up in surrender, “I promise.”
As we laugh again, I wonder how he is truly, effortlessly funny, like a breath of fresh air. I’m sure I haven’t met someone like him before. Now it all clicks why he has such a wide audience from every corner of the world, it’s not hard to find his personality likeable at all. He wears his sense of humor like it’s his lucky charm and it works.
I follow him with my arms tightly tucked on my sides to the living room area, that’s kind of one with the kitchen, like a joint. I must look painfully awkward.
“And this,” Alex gestures, “is where I kick back and relax. Not too much time for that lately, I’ve been so fuckin’ busy with work.”
“Yeah, I don’t doubt it. I’m glad if I can make your life a little easier in that spectrum.”
He has a nice view of the bustling city from the window too, something I find hard to divert my gaze from, just to find myself staring right into his eyes when I did.
“You do!” he smiles widely, “that’s why I wanted to see you, actually, to kind of know even more about what you’re all about. You wanna sit down for a second? Can I interest you in a drink?” he pulls his best British accent for the question. Oh, so here’s the part when it gets real, him questioning me.
I agree and again follow his trail to the kitchen and watch as he pulls out a chair for me. He made it seem like it’s such a nonchalant thing to do, but it strangely made my face feel warm. He didn’t have to do that, but he did. I thank him and sit down.
“So, what would you like to have?” he speaks behind me.
I eye the kitchen, “honestly, whatever’s the easiest for you.”
I hear him hum and then he is gone. I watch as he walks around the kitchen, opening the fridge and the cupboards. I feel a bit creepy just following him with my eyes, so I sneakily pull my phone out of my pocket and see there’s a text from my friend. I should’ve known.
“What’s going on there? I’m dying to know!” 1:01 PM
I kind of did promise them that I would text them as soon as things progressed or happened, which they really haven’t so far. I’m just kind of lost in the moment right now, taking it all in.
I mentally shake my head and fight a smile, texting them back that I promise and vow to tell everything later, except that not much has happened yet. We haven’t exactly gotten to the point here, whatever it is.
There’s one thing I can’t deny so far and could talk about forever, which is that he’s really fun to be around. He’s one of those people who can immediately light up a room with his energy, which is what he probably does every time he’s with people. I suddenly feel small in his world. Sure, I’m here right now, sitting in his house, and I’m lucky enough to call myself someone who gets to work with him, but still. I’m just one of the many people that gets to watch him shine from the sidelines.
I put my phone away once I hear him coming back, and watch as he places a drink in front of me, “for you,” and one for himself “and for me,” and sits down opposite me. The drink is lime green. It looks delicious. I tell him that and shiver as I wrap my hand around the cold glass.
He smiles at me with his pearly white teeth on full display, “it’s fuckin’ amazing. I think it’s so cool, like the shit that bartenders do, mix a bit of that, throw a little bit of that in, and this is one of my many creations. I do feel like a bartender whenever I make this.”
I smile and take a sip. It was amazing. “You make this for everyone?”
He seems stunned, “no, no! I mean, I rarely get people over, we’re all just so fuckin’ busy to dilly-dally, and if I do, it’s work related—you’re work related too, I know, but—it’s a day off for the both of us, so fuck it, why not, you know?”
“Yeah,” I take another sip, “well, I’m glad you invited me over.”
He broadly grins at me from behind his glass, “you already told me that.”
I feel myself getting flustered. I’m not really too good with human interactions or words today.
“I’m just kidding,” he gently laughs, “I’m glad you came over, too. Uh—you—how have you liked everything so far? I feel like I know a lot about you already, but you just—you’re a very interesting person.”
So, this is the kind of stuff he wanted to talk about? And did he just call me interesting? I’m going straight back to feeling nervous. Meanwhile he takes a sip of his drink too and keeps his eyes on me the whole time.
“Me?” I gulp, “I don’t know whether to thank you or tell you that you’re delusional.”
He just snickers again, there was no hint of real hurt or judgment there, “no, no! Like now, you could’ve told me more, something I don’t know, but it’s almost like you got some secrets, like you’re avoiding some shit. Are you? Every time I try to talk to you, you don’t.”
He holds a mischievous twinkle in his eyes and I’m thinking if I should hold back my words here. Have I been holding back that much? I haven’t realised it, if I have. Maybe I’m just scared of being too much and I don’t want to, well, be too much. I don’t know how deep is too deep, especially considering our work situation-ship.
Just when I thought I somewhat know him, he shows me a new side of him. There’s been a lot of people in my life who’s had their eyes on me, but never cared enough to look closely enough to see me the way I am. At least not in the way I feel I deserve, like I do with him. He seems fairly interested in me, which is the highest compliment, I think.
“I thought you invited me here just to talk business,” I stutter.
”We’re not working right now, I already told you.”
His face was content as ever as he leaned on the palm of his hand and listened to me talk. And what did we talk about? Everything. All about me. I found it rather easy to open up to him, once I got started. The only time it didn’t feel as easy was when I was reminded how intensively he’s listening and looking at me. I gulp down my drink and relish the sweet taste.
“I think it’s kind of a fair trade if you tell me something about you next,” it’s my turn to grin at him.
It was enough to make him crack up, “what is this, a fuckin’ truth or dare? Spin the bottle? You want another drink? I could go for another one. Fuck it, let’s do 10 more! This is fun, I’m having a good time.”
He convinces me to have one more with him. I mean, I can’t leave him now, I think it’s just getting good here. We are having fun, is it a bit too much fun? I don’t know, but neither of us seem to care enough to stop it.
I agree, “sure, I’ll have another and dare you to tell me something next, like how did you pick me? Or was it even you? You had your fair share, now it’s my turn.”
I can play this game too and I’m really interested in why he chose me. All this time I thought it was luck, but was it? What else does he see in me?
He grabs our glasses, going to the kitchen to work his magic again, with his back facing me. It didn’t take him long, but it was long enough time for a silence to fall over us, except for a few clinks from the kitchen, and enough time for me to wonder about what has happened to far today.
He is so chill, unlike me on the inside. He didn’t make a big deal of us meeting, which is fine. I mean, I do work for him, this is all business, so I don’t know what else I would expect to happen. But I am taken aback he is willing to share so much with me and that it doesn’t seem to phase him much. He is letting me read him like an open book.
He was way too soon back with our second batch of drinks, “so, you want to know why you’re here?”
I nod coyly.
He beams and leans back on his seat, resting his arm behind him and fiddling with his glass with the other hand, “I mean, you know everything I need you to know and you’re good at it. You know a lot, you’re very smart and you work hard. I saw your application. And I know you’re very funny, too. You were funny as fuck on the phone when we first talked.”
Oh no. Yeah, that was my tired brain talking back then.
He interrupts me, “no, I think you’re funny as fuck. You should do that more often. Why are you holding back?”
“I don’t know,” I don’t know what I’m actually going to say to this one, “I’m not used to mixing my humour with work, I guess, but glad it works for you.”
“It does, like you don’t need to hold back around me. Be yourself, you know? Like, fuck it. I say stupid shit too, but you don’t think any less of me, do you?”
“No, I dont,” I confess. I’m happy he told me that. He’s giving me the freedom to be me, which I never realised is the greatest thing someone could give you.
After both of our glasses were empty and we had gone over the stupidest jokes and stories that matter, I think it was time for me to get out. We really had found ourselves talking about everything, from our tastes in music to plans for the future.
I tell him, “I should go soon, but this was fun! We should do this again—probably not! But if we ever happen to… I don’t know.“ Damn it. I know very well we shouldn’t and probably won’t ‘hang out’ like this again. Stupid me, not knowing when to stop. I’m such embarrassment-prone.
To my luck, he shakes his head, “no, I’d like that! You have a phone, I have a phone, you know, let’s make shit happen. Easy.”
I dodged a bullet right there. Thankfully, he didn’t seem to think that us meeting up again would be unprofessional or weird and I didn’t make matters worse.
We get up and I let him lead me to the door. I’m about to step out, but not before turning to see him standing there with his arms spread out for me. A little warmth rushes into my cheeks as we mold together and share a hug for the second time today and he gives my back a soothing rub.
“Have a safe trip home,” he speaks lowly in my ear.
I watch him return the small smile through the little crack, until the door shuts close with a soft click. I walk back to the elevator, and once I’m certain I really am alone, I pull out my phone and text my friend. I didn’t even realise what I was typing as I was typing it.
There’s one thing in my mind I need to air out, because the longer it stays there, the more it becomes a secret. And I don’t want to keep secrets from my friend right now, secrets that are confusing me as much as it will confuse them;
“Oh my God. Since when has he become so attractive?” 3:05 PM
.
It didn’t take long at all for my friend to reply, like they had been waiting by the phone, but certainly not for a message like that. For the first time ever, I was honestly scared to see what they have to say this time. I don’t blame them though, I myself even feel a little scared of what I’m feeling right now.
“What?! What did you guys even do? You know this sounds very suspicious?” 3:06 PM
Trust me, I know it’s stupid, but it’s the way he actually cared to listen to me, and, I don’t know, appreciate me like no one has before. I’m afraid no one will understand what I mean, they would have to meet him and be in my place to understand. He is somehow irresistible in every way, the way he talks, the way he listens, both just as important qualities.
I guess there is no use in explaining myself, but I still text my friend back, trying to find the right words;
“Nothing like you’re imagining, we just talked! But he said some nice things to me, like he finds me interesting, like he’s just a very nice person and he has an attractive personality. I don’t know if that’s a thing but if not then I just invented it.” 3:09 PM
I know if there’s someone who sees right through me, it’s my friend and I will probably be called out any second now. Just to be clear, I would not mess with him nor this job opportunity. I’m not like that, I just appreciate a good personality, I guess. And I mean, I’m not saying his looks are bad either... but, no.
My friend replies,
“I believe you, but this sounds like so much more. And I’m quoting you now, ‘attractive’?!” 3:11 PM
I wish I would’ve kept my mouth shut, because I don’t think I will ever hear the end of this. I end up finding my way back home safe and sound, which was actually a miracle, considering that I didn’t really pay attention to where I was going or which bus I hopped on, because there was just one thing on my mind. I don’t like Alex like that, but I’m also running out of ways to defend my case. It’s too soon to even think about these things.
I went to bed early, deciding to catch up on some tv-shows, because I didn’t exactly know what else to do with myself. And sure, I was also texting my friend, telling them it’s not like that and if we can now drop it and move on. I feel too stupid and embarrassed to think about it any longer. So I just got ready for bed and started up a tv-show re-run. Of course I couldn’t pay much attention when I had my friend blowing up my phone and my brain screaming the same stuff at me. This secret can never get out.
.
The next day, as I woke up, the first thing on my mind was whatever it was that had taken over me yesterday, but other than that it was all the same. I so wanted to text Alex, thank him for having me over. I suddenly felt so very bored of my own life, as I realised that wasn’t going be something we do often, if ever again.
I spent the whole day in bed, just killing time and relaxing, not like I had anything else to do. I could call up my friend, but I honestly still feel a bit embarrassed to talk anything over with them yet. I would rather solve it myself. My feelings, my problem, right?
.
A few weeks have passed. I haven’t talked much with Alex. It’s the same as usual, we have fallen back to the normal ritual, where the only interaction we ever have is strictly work-related talk.
I, myself have also finally fallen back into my calm state of mind and so has my friend. Everything feels the same it’s always been. Obviously, my friend hasn’t completely let me live it down, but I can live with it. We still occasionally talk about it, or more like, they ask me if I’m okay, because apparently, I sounded so passionate about my feelings and it’s not healthy to brush them off.
It wasn’t until a few more weeks had passed by swiftly, when I heard from Alex again, on another Saturday evening. My phone was going off, with his name on the screen.
“Hey. Sorry if this was sudden, or whatever,” he quietly speaks to me when I pick up.
“It’s fine,” I assure, “I actually have been waiting to hear from you.”
Was that too much? I feel like that’s one thing that would have been better if it only existed in my head. I was relieved to hear him find the humour in it though.
“Yeah?” I heard him chuckle on the phone, “you’ve been waiting for me like I’m fuckin’ Santa or some shit?”
I laugh too and played along with his usual banter, “oh, yeah. Now, do you have something for me?”
He actually sighs and gets serious, “I have like, bad news and then there’s like, amazing news.”
Oh no. How bad are we talking about? Is it about me? Just when I thought things would go back to normal, whatever normal is. I make a noise to urge him to keep going.
He sighs again, “okay. I’m… going to have to move and leave that fuckin’ amazing apartment behind, that you just saw a few weeks ago. Like, what the fuck? I get it, like life comes at you fast, but like, fuck.”
“What?” I ask him, sounding too disappointed for my own liking, “you have to? Like, this is it? You’re getting evicted or something?”
He finally laughs lowly, “okay, fuck you. I’m just kidding! No, actually—I got this offer, hear me out, this is a big ass spoiler, but I’m getting a huge sponsorship, which means that the amount of content I have to do for them, and with them, of course, is just so much that it would be necessary for me to live there. At least for now.”
He keeps on rambling about this opportunity and genuinely sounds like he couldn’t be more excited, meanwhile I don’t make a peep.
“And I figured to tell you now, because I know you’ll be cool about it. I’ll still have work for you to do, so technically this doesn’t change anything for you, but, I mean, fuck it, why wouldn’t I do it?! It’s time for me to spread my little wings and go out there in the big world,” he keeps going while I still remain silent.
“Oh, wow, not what I expected to hear, but that’s awesome. So, where’s the bad news?” I finally say to him, when I don’t hear his voice anymore, trying my best to conceal the lack of excitement in mine.
“I know right! Those aren’t even bad news, ‘cause like, what the fuck? It’s going to be amazing. I figured I should let you know, ‘cause when you see me filming from somewhere else, just so you know I haven’t been kidnapped, I’m not streaming from someone’s basement. No one’s forcing me to make content.”
Well, that got a genuine giggle out of me. I want to show my support more, but I feel a bit sad about this. I don’t know why. Why do I find it so hard to be happy for him right now?
I understand that this is really something he wants to do, something that’s bringing him lost motivation back, so what else would I tell him other than ‘yes, it’s a good idea’? Even though it means he’ll be far away in another state, God knows exactly how far, but I can’t be selfish and act all hurt when this doesn’t even affect me. But, how long will he be gone for?
“So, when will I see you again? Not anytime soon, I assume?” Now I’m asking the real questions here.
“I know... yeah, probably not. Shit just happens so fast, isn’t that crazy?”
At least he’s honest. I don’t know and neither does he. There’s my answer. I’m not going to lie, I’m a little upset. I guess we have—I don’t even know how much more—time left, and then everything will change, or not, like he assured, but I think it will all change for us. Maybe not in all the worst ways, but how often does change not hurt at first? It always does.
.
That bitter feeling didn’t die, no matter how many days I tried to drown it for. There’s still a tiny string in me holding onto the hope that he’s not leaving. I know it’s selfish, I hate it too. I hate how I’m doing this to myself. I’m especially having one of those days today, when I feel like doing nothing, but I have to get work done. It’s just hard not to think about him when my work centers around him, like I really can’t get away.
I just never thought we would run out of time. Isn’t it cruel how we only appreciate time when there’s not much of it left?
I decide to wrap up work early today. I had sat on my desk the whole morning, staring at the screen and realising that words don’t make sense to me, I feel like I don’t know what I’m doing, like this stupid editing program suddenly feels like a stranger. If I’m going to do a crap job, I might as well just not do anything. The deadline isn’t until tomorrow.
My mind is more occupied with things with a shorter deadline, other things I have to solve before I can immerse myself in anything else that requires complete focus, like the strange feeling I got after hearing him break the news. It shouldn’t matter to me, so why does it feel like it does?
I shut down the computer after saving the little work I got done. I need to look after myself, do the things I used to do and enjoyed doing before all this happened and he came and rocked my world and hopefully I’ll get over it, and myself.
Just out of pure curiosity, I want to know how things are going for him. I’m not trying to get my feelings hurt, but it’s only been a few days, nothing too major hasn’t happened yet, right? The buzzing of my phone jerkes me back to reality. It’s Alex!
“Hi!” I balance my phone on my shoulder, as I finished patting my face dry after a very refreshing shower I just had.
I can hear him clear his throat and speak, “hello. I just woke up, I know it’s like, what, 1PM? Holy shit. Anyway, uh… what are you up to?”
I wonder what is the reason for this call, but I’m not going to ask. I’ll happily take as much of his time as he can give me, before he gets busy with moving and his new life.
“Nothing,” I reply truthfully, “I mean—I’ve had kind of a slow day today. I just—I’ll get back to work later, right now I’m just trying to unwind myself, I guess.”
“Oh,” he replies, “something on your mind?” Oh, you have no idea.
I try to laugh it off, hoping he won’t try to dig any deeper, “honestly, the usual. You know, life.”
To my relief, he just laughs in response, “yeah, me, if anyone, would know about that. Like, fuck—tell me about it! I don’t know at this point if I’m fighting demons, or if I’m the demon.”
We both laugh and it’s so nice even for a few seconds to just laugh with him, and I hate even more what is about to happen to us.
“Yeah, like I don’t know who prayed for my downfall, but it’s working for them.”
He yawns, “see, you get it! I knew you would.” Except that I don’t…
“Anyway—you’re probably wondering, how am I doing, so considerate of you. Being all worried and shit. I am after all just a baby. But I’m doing great! Uh—I’ll be busy as fuck soon, so...,” he trails off.
I hum. I know what he means by that, that he won’t have much time for me anymore. “Yeah, I understand,” I tell him, trying not to sound too sad nor too happy. Just neutral, like how I wish I could actually feel about it.
“Yeah, so, it’s a big fuckin’ step, but I still think it’s a step that needs to be taken, content-wise, because, after all I just want to keep getting better and bigger. I mean, there is no such thing as too big. That’s what I tell myself every time I—okay, I’m gonna stop myself right there.”
He laughs at himself and I stand stunned for a while, until the joke hits me and I laugh too. And… it made me feel flustered. He is just something else. That’s why I like him. As a friend!
“What was I saying? I don’t know, but yeah, it’s happening and I’m excited. So many fuckin’ great things happening. I hope the same goes for you.”
I hum again, since I don’t trust my voice right now, “thanks. I hope so too. I’m really excited for you. Don’t miss me too much while you’re gone.” Just one lie after another.
“I’ll try not to. I think I should be the one saying that. You don’t miss me too much.”
“Wait, who are you again?”
“Okay, fuck you. Bye.”
We both break into laughter again over the ridiculous banter and hang up. Seems like things are going, and will go, well for him.
I put on a very lazy outfit, since I had no plans to go anywhere today.I had too much time on my hands, so I started overthinking again, and for the rest of the day, it was one thought after another. I wish I could see him one last time, why didn’t he ask to? I mean, I know why. Because we’re not close like that. It was a one time thing, won’t happen again. He probably said that he wants to see me again just to avoid disappointing me and hurting my feelings. They will be hurt either way.
I wonder what Alex is doing right now, 7PM on a Wednesday night. A text pops up on my phone as I'm scrolling online… from him?!
“Hey! I have some spare time tomorrow, you wanna come over? I kinda owe it to you, but I wouldn’t mind you seeing you either. It’s a fucking mess here but I’m sorry I can’t pack neatly.” 7:01 PM
What on Earth? It seems like for some reason we are in each other’s subconsciousness. I asked for this, but now I feel weird that this is happening. I’m getting what I want and I don’t think I will want it again. I reply;
“Sure! Thought you’d never ask.” 7:03 PM
I slept better that night. Who knows why.
.
The next morning I was up before the sun, bright and early. It wasn’t until the afternoon when I had promised to be at Alex’s place, but I couldn’t sleep and lay still anymore. I’m itching for something to happen, something that involves him and getting to see him, possibly for the last time in a long time.
Then later in the day, it was me going downtown again in the same bus, walking over to the same building. The same elevator ride upstairs. The same long hallway. The same door that already looks like coming home. I shouldn’t get so attached anymore. No more crazy thoughts.
This time I didn’t even wait around, but rang the doorbell as I pulled my earbuds out. Ironically, there’s nothing but petty, angry love songs on the radio today where someone’s leaving and someone gets hurt. I feel like I have nothing to be scared or nervous about right now. If anything, my feelings should be scared of me, because I’m not going to feel anything. Whatever I felt the last time I was here, I’m over it.
I heard him turning the lock and there he was, opening the door, all smiles. He looks happy. This time, though, I don’t think I’m alone the reason for it. He doesn’t surprisingly look as disheveled or tired as I imagined, either. In fact, he looks like he has been personally touched by an angel. He is, well, glowing, you could say. Every piece of him.
“Hi!” he ushers me inside, not wasting any time.
I march right inside, “you’re happy to leave.”
He rubs his hands together, “c’mon! I’m having the fuckin’ time of my life! Like—I’ve had good news, c’mon on! Cut me some slack!” He’s so excited to go. Wow.
If I was him, I would feel more bittersweet, perhaps, but people like him just don’t seem to be having a hard time saying goodbye. Maybe people like him aren’t even supposed to stay too long in one place, like the world needs him as much as I do. Good for him, but sucks for me. He then went off, leaving me by myself, like I’m already one with the house and know my way perfectly around.
I followed him to the kitchen, where it was boxes upon boxes. The living room didn’t look any different. The house looks swept, from what I can see so far. His setup is the only thing that looks somewhat the same, but I can tell there’s things missing, already been put away.
“Wow, you really weren’t kidding, like, this is really happening,” I say, mostly to myself.
This place looks weird and dead now that it’s almost empty, like it’s empty of life too.
“Yeah! What, are you gonna miss me and shit?” he asks me, amused by the thought, “no sad, happy!”
Then he quite literally places his hand on my shoulder and gives it a comforting rub, before taking off again. I don’t know if it made me feel better or worse.
“I—“
“So,—“
We start at the same time, following by us both saying ’sorry’ in sync. Awkward. But hey, that got us to laugh again. Oh, how I just like laughing with him. I think it’s one of my favourite sounds. God forbid, if he could read my thoughts right now.
“I was just going to ask if I ever get to see you cooking in that kitchen, like you promised?” Way to change the subject.
Alex gasps with his mouth agape, “no fuckin’ way! How the fuck are you one step ahead of me? I made some of it last night, wondered if you wanna have a bite with me? I mean, of course, you fuckin´ do, right?!”
He starts clapping excitedly, before I could say anything. But the answer is going to be yes, nonetheless. A perfect way to waste some time with him.
In the kitchen, I already knew my seat. It’s the same one I sat on the last time I was here. It felt like personally addressed. I reach for the chair at the same time as he turns to pull it out for me as an act of chivalry. It caused us to knock into each other. Not hard enough to cause an accident, but hard enough to make us both feel embarrassed.
We laugh again, more awkward this time. That was probably the worst fake laugh I’ve ever had to do with him. I sit down and watch as he turns his back to me and takes something out of the fridge.
“This,” he announces, “is my secret recipe, fuckin’ incredible, guacamole.” He brings it to the table and goes back to kitchen to fetch us something to enjoy it with, until sitting down with me. He tells me to dig in, while sitting back and taking off his beanie and running his fingers through his hair. God knows why it made my breath hitch.
When I finally make the move to dig in like he told me to, it’s unlucky he made the same choice at the same time. Our hands touch lightly, before we both quietly apologize and pull them apart like they just had been burned.
“Relax, it’s all yours,” I tease him.
“Fuck you,” he giggles, a smile creeping in, like he’s glad I broke the tension.
The food was honestly pretty good. I hum in enjoyment, “this is good, you were right.”
He laughs, “I told you. Get used to me being right, if you haven’t yet, it’s about time. I mean, I was right about you, too.”
Is he doing this again, getting all mysterious and sentimental about me? And he does it whenever there’s no escape for me from the conversation, too. I wonder what’s really weighing on his heart.
I ask him instead, “okay, what does that mean? You always do this.”
“Well, if it wasn’t for my mastermind, you wouldn’t be here, and I wouldn’t have something here that made me thought about staying, but, you know, it’s not like I’m leaving for good.”
I was on his mind as something that’s worth staying for? There’s not much left he can give me anymore, we’re running low on things to say or do when there’s so little time left, but he never wanted to leave without telling me that. It’s the one last high, before we flatline.
“You really think so? That I’m that special? I’m sure whatever you will find next is going to be worth it, though. I’ll be fine.” I can only keep lying to myself for so long. I’ll be a mess.
Alex straightens himself in his seat, like he’s about to say something crucial, “you’re so fuckin’ special, like I don’t know who hurt you so that you always have to question it. Like this is not the first time we’ve had this conversation.”
He’s right. But what he doesn’t know is that it’s him leaving that hurts me. Maybe I’m just insecure, because I know I’m always replaceable. But maybe he doesn’t think so.
He slyly continues, “whatever it is, whoever they are… they don’t matter now. Don’t think about them, just think about us—or me, you know I would never judge you for how you feel. And I even told you already that you mean a lot to me, so what are you scared of anymore?”
“I—,“ I really don’t know what to say, “I don’t mean to make this about myself, but… I guess I was just excited to spend more time with you and now you won’t be here. And I know it, that I was a chapter in your life, but you have a whole book to write. So I don’t know how much space there is anymore to write about me.”
I know better than get attached to people like him. They have the whole world to impress, I’m just one person.
“Damn, that was some deep shit. I was not fuckin’ ready for that by any means, but fine. Fuck it, let’s take the deep road,” he babbles in his usual way, “it’s not like the next time I see you will be awkward anyway, because, you know… I won’t fuckin’ see you. I’ll be long gone.”
I pretend to gasp at the joke and play along, even though the truth behind it hurts.
“But I agree, it’s been great, but, you know, I’m just a call away. And I always, always have time for you, like I’ve already fuckin’ saved you a seat in my mind, so I never forget to keep you in my thoughts. See? That was pretty good, I can get deep in shit too,” he grins almost child-likely and nudges me as he gets up and goes on his merry way to the kitchen, cleaning up the table.
He seems like he’ll be fine enough, so I feel dumb to push it anymore. I just nod, even against my own will and avert my gaze. Maybe I should stop acting so ungrateful, I still get to keep my job and it’ll almost like force him to talk to me once in a while. It’s not the end of my world. Maybe.
We talk more, this time with me trying to act reasonable. He seems to like and laugh at everything I say. I try my best too to keep a smile on my face and tell him, “I’m sure it’ll be fine and we both make it. I’ll be here rooting for you, king.”
“Thank you so much, thank you. It really means a lot coming from you. I’m glad you seem to feel better.”
Yeah. Surely, I’ll be fine… I’ll fake it if I can’t make it. As he’s cleaning up, he tells me I can feel at home and get some water from the fridge if I want to. Well, I eventually figured I should make myself useful and walked up to the fridge in unbreakable strides.
He seemed to be finished with the dishes and stepped to his right where I was, and our bodies had another collision, I think this being the worst one yet. Like we’re used to it already and know the route out of the awkwardness, we just laugh it off. I don’t understand what the universe is trying to tell me to do right now, because it seems like every move I decide for myself to make is wrong.
And there comes that weird tension again. I hope he doesn’t think I’m trying to try something here. I would never. But he seems more than fine, and definitely not like he’s internally cursing my name, as he is casually standing there next to me, making these ridiculous expressions and sounds in result of a brain freeze, since the water was pretty much ice cold. It made us both laugh and smile like nothing had happened.
What do we do now? Is this it? I thought as I soon announce that I should leave, before anything else can happen. I make quick work on putting my jacket on and tying my shoelaces, reaching for the door just as he does, and there I find myself bumping right into his side again.
I suddenly feel the urgent need for the floor to swallow me whole, but since that’s not happening, running out the door seems very tempting. I can’t handle another one of these accidents. I’m so embarrassed. Not the kind of ending I imagined for our story, but I guess it’s better than drowning in tears. Maybe I have a chance in surviving losing him, if this is how I feel.
“Sorry for whatever that was,” I apologize again, God knows for how manyth time today.
He just timidly laughs, not as loudly and lively as he usually does, but it was still a laugh, “it’s okay, you know, it takes two to… fuck up, something like that, right?”
I laugh too now, “that’s true.”
Now we are just standing in the doorway, thinking who’s going to be the first to say goodbye. And I didn’t find it in me to just run out and leave without it. To my luck, he breaks the moment of silence, “so, uh…. I wanna tell you that I’ll see you soon, but I’m actually not sure when I’ll be able to do that. So—I know you understand, right?”
I do. I understand what is happening. It’s almost like it’s finally sinking in that this is it. I don’t know what the future holds. Will I see him again?
“I don’t want to make any promises, but… I’ll see you at last whenever I’m back, whenever that will be. I’ll talk to you about the new work schedule too, when it’s more topical,” he rants. Yep, at least I get to keep my job.
I just nod sympathetically, “I understand. Good luck with everything, honestly. I’ll see you someday and in the meantime, we can always talk on the phone.” I feel the need to still remind him that just because he’s not here, doesn’t mean I’m not waiting to hear from him every day.
“Of course,” he smiles genuinely, so wide that it reaches his eyes, which makes me want to take his word for it.
He then pulls me into a lingering hug, which surprised us both, how there was no hesitation this time to be so close to each other. Sure, my time with him has been short-lived, but it has meant something. Every second mattered and in a matter of seconds time will be irrelevant. Oh, how life goes.
He pats my back, which felt both like a curse and a blessing. It felt too nice to not happen again in a long, long time. Why couldn’t I feel this way when there was still time?
When he next stares at me from under his long lashes with an unreadable expression on his face, like he’s trying hard to memorize something, I make the move to leave before I fall any deeper into the despair.
It takes a second for him to realise it and to follow me, and now he leans against the doorway, as if he needs something else to cling on to now that I’m out of his reach.
“Go on then, little superstar,” I giggle, “I won’t forget you. Which would be impossible, anyway.”
He starts grinning again, and before he can get too ahead of things and himself, I roll my eyes, “I’m trying to be nice here.”
He gets serious and gives me a more gloomy look before turning it into a smile to almost prevent any emotions spilling, “I know, I know, sorry. Me neither. Trust me.” Trust. That’s what I need, to trust him and let the rest roll off my shoulders.
Soon after we say the final farewells and I watch and hear the door click close for the last time and he is out of my sight for also possibly the last time, at least for a long while. Call me selfish, or a bad person, all of it, but there’s no way he’s actually leaving. I don’t want him to. There’s no way after all that sunshine, it’s now raining this hard. When it rains, it really pours.
Quite literally, indeed, because when I stepped out of the building, it was raining. Ironic. I put my hood on and made my way quickly to the bus stop, staring at the black screen of my phone like any second now he’s going to tell me something, something along the lines of like he has changed his mind. I wiped the raindrops off the screen, they reminded me of teardrops. For some strange reason, I don’t feel like crying at all.
I was already cursing the bus, the bus route, the bus stop. Everything here is going to remind me of him. I can never come back here, unless it’s with him. There’s no way I’m in this deep already, but I am. And there’s no bottom or no one to hold me up this time, I’ll just keep sinking.
.
The next morning, and the next one, and the next one my immediate thought was Alex, not to anyone’s surprise. The thought of his existence didn’t get me so high as it used to do, since he will now exist so far from me. Just when everything started falling into place. I had already let myself forget the day he’s leaving. Was it yesterday or today, or tomorrow? Or maybe it’s better if I don’t know and will let him leave quietly. So quietly, that the sound of it doesn’t make me flinch.
I figure I can’t just lay down here in my bed the entirety of my existence or Alex being gone, I have to get back to work and back to, well, what life was like before there was him. But what was my life like without him? I’m not sure I can recall it.
I realise I could do anything I ever want, but I’m stuck here and there’s a void in me that looks like him. I feel like I’m supposed to just sit on my hands, what else would I do? Later that night I throw myself on the bed again, ready to waste time scrolling through my phone, maybe watch some TV.
I open Twitter and wait as it loads new content for me to see. So, what do I do on Twitter? I do follow Alex, and I see that he hasn’t posted anything new. I also do follow people I find interesting, a few friends, people who have the same music taste and interests as me. I haven’t caught up with the timeline since last night.
The further I scroll, the more I see concerning headlines of news. What the hell is this?
“Another COVID-19 lockdown possible, says experts.”
What’s going on? It says just a few states have been put on high alert, the one I’m in is not included, at least for now. We still get to go about our lives here. I feel my heart sink, thinking about going back to square one. I don’t think we as society can take another one of those. I see it before my very eyes how the news are spreading like wildfire. Everyone is talking about it. It’s all I see and I think it’s all I will see even in my sleep tonight.
I read until the words didn’t make any sense to me anymore, they were just words of confirming what we all fear. They just made me sick. As the night fell on me, I know I wasn’t the only one in the world who laid wide awake that night. What’s going to happen?
So much for summer plans and so much for possibly visiting Alex or him visiting me. Shit. I just realised what this means for us. It’s the state where he went that’s one of the few mentioned to be prepared to shut down. If only he had never left.
.
I couldn’t take it anymore. It’s now been more than a few days since I had last seen and heard from Alex, too long when he’s all I think about. I want to know more, ask him how he is. I’m also a little worried, like how he had joked I would be, but now I really am. The world is suddenly not ours to take anymore, so I guess I have a valid reason to be. I text him;
“How is everything?” 1:24 PM
A completely harmless, friendly question. It doesn’t give away too much and he can write me back whenever he finds the time to.
Instead of doing so, he almost right away was calling me. Even a bigger bargain: I get to hear his voice again!
I picked up the phone expecting him to be in a frantic, excited hassle, but he was calm, it was almost too quiet on his end for someone who’s doing as much as he is. Actually, he didn’t seem to be in a rush at all and definitely didn’t sound as excited as he had the other day. I can only assume he’s tired, that’s the only logic that makes some sense.
“Hey,” wow, he does sound worn-out.
“Hey. I bet you’re tired, so you didn’t have to call me. I just wanted to know that… how are things in wherever you are?”
“No, of course I want to talk,” he assures, “I’m—something happened. I’m sure you’ve seen the news. It’s fuckin’ crazy out there.”
It hits me again. The news that feels like the end of the world all over again. I feel for him. Is he now possibly stuck in another state for longer than he anticipates?
I sigh, “yeah. I was hoping it won’t mess with you too much?”
“I’m just as fuckin’ caught off guard as you, but… I really can’t go. It’s too bad out there where I was supposed to go to that I can’t go, I can’t risk it. And I don’t want to seem like an ignorant asshole and just take off.”
“What?” I stutter, “I mean, it makes sense, but you mean—where are you right now?”
He lets out a little sad laugh, “I’m still here, in this great apartment of mine, in the middle of all these boxes and all of my shit is packed up, all of it. And now I’m not even going. Think about it.”
He is still here? He never even left? Or more like, he didn’t have the time to leave? He continues before I could get a word in, “I mean, fuck it, I still might as well fuckin’ move to the next block in the spite of having to pack and unpack everything.”
That made us laugh amidst all of the chaos. I feel bad for him, but it’s a funny thought. But, back to the real topic, he is not leaving after all? What is this universe up to? Did I manifest this unfortunate and unexpected turn of events? I’m starting to feel like I did.
“So, stupid question, I know, but how are you? You never got to leave? I thought for sure you were already gone,” I ask, “sorry, this must be so shitty, I can’t even imagine, and you probably don’t want to answer my stupid questions right now.”
“No, no! I do want to talk, more than ever. I was supposed to leave the day after I last saw you and then all of this kind of happened overnight. I don’t know—I’m just thinking about all the things and shit I don’t get to do now.”
He was so excited just for everything to be called off right before the kick off. I pity him. I’m not exactly sure how to comfort him in times like this, how to say the right things. What even are the right things to say? I know I wanted him to stay, but I never wanted it to happen like this, in a way that drains him of all of his contagious joy.
We talked a long while. Or more like, I let him talk and didn’t wait for my turn to talk. I listened with curiosity and empathy, for as long as he needed. I didn’t fill in the silences, just listened. The last thing he says to me on the phone before we hang up, comes as a total surprise, “hey—you wanna come over?”
.
And so it went, there I was again taking the same bus downtown to him. I never saw this coming. This looks like a film everyone would love to act in, where the one never gets away, but this is real life. I don’t know how to direct it yet, but I will keep looking for the answers for why this is happening and why he keeps always coming back to me, sometimes even against his own will.
Of course I said yes, when he asked me to come over.
By the time I rode the elevator, I was fuzzy in the head. This was not supposed to happen. I wasn’t supposed to come here again, not after we said those goodbyes not even a week ago.
I walked up to his door, and as by some instinct, he opened it before I could even knock. I did a double take, I couldn’t believe my eyes. I mean, it’s him, but... he looks great. Happier, for some reason, even when there’s not much to be happy about, or so I thought. I wonder who made him like that. Whoever it is, consider them lucky. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him look so serene and beautiful like he does in this light.
“Hi!” he lets me in, “alright, let’s just forget about the fuckin’ dramatic goodbyes that we had and pretend none of that shit happened.”
He then giggles at his own recollections, so did I. How many times you get this lucky when there is no bye in goodbye? I also still don’t know what is keeping the smile on his face right now. If there is sadness in there, he’s not showing it.
“Yeah, this is pretty fucked. Not to make things about me, but I thought I would like never see you again. Like you’re gonna start a whole new life without me.”
He shakes his head, “not this time. And I mean—I still wanna keep you, I’m not just gonna fuckin’ let you go, no matter what happens. You’re stuck with me, pal.”
“Yeah, literally. You couldn’t get too far even if you tried.” I wonder if he will ever make it out of here. Right now, everything feels impossible. None of us will get out anytime soon.
“Yeah, see?” he grins.
I see some of the boxes in his house are still up, some of them opened and unloaded, as if something necessary has been taken out of them. He follows my gaze and laughs nervously, “yeah, I know, it’s a fuckin’ mess here. And—it’s just that all of these news are fuckin’ with my head, you know? You feel it too?”
I nod. It’s not bad at all where we are, but what if it gets bad here? The only rule is that we can’t exit the state, but that’s already enough to mess up people’s plans. Like his. It’s all ruined for him.
We talk about these arising fears as he guides us to the kitchen and motions me to take a seat. I smile at his thoughtfulness and sit down. He sits across from me, bringing some snacks on the table.
As I secretly watch him there in the brief silence that occurs when we chew on the snacks, I feel the same old familiar excitement to see him and to be here with him. Like I want to fight all the odds that prevents keeping me right here forever. He makes me feel excited about life, especially when we have more promised time now. That’s the closest my words will get to the feeling I can’t explain.
And, he looks... great. Brand new. Attractive, even some would say. Not me, of course… I clear my throat, hoping he’s not catching on to me, “so, you called me here, because… you wanted to talk?”
“Yeah, pretty much. I just needed to know that… I still have you. Like no matter what shit goes wrong, I’ll always have you here. Especially now, when being alone is the last thing I want. I can’t even see my friends from other states or from home, in case shit gets worse, but you’re always here, right?” he rambles.
I’m still too a bit freaked out that I now have him here, right here where I wanted him all along, I suddenly don’t seem to know or remember what I always wanted to tell him. I think he just beat me to it. I think we really need each other, especially at times like this when loneliness is almost bound to happen.
“Yeah, of course. As selfish as this sounds… I’m glad you’re still here. I don’t think I was ready to say goodbye just yet,” I didn’t know what else to say to his emotional outburst other than answering with the same concerns. If honesty is what he wants and needs to hear, then so be it.
“I knew it. I knew you’re happy I never left”, he tries to suppress his usual grin and raises a brow challengingly at me, “you need me.”
I roll my eyes, “what? That’s all you decided to take from that?”
We both laugh at the banter, like we always used to do. I’m glad we are able to pick up right where we left off. It’s like nothing ever happened. Even though I think we are getting a little sidetracked here.
He adjusts himself in the chair and leans back, crossing his arms as if to appear more intimidating, “what can I say? I have a selective hearing, you tell me you need me and I’m fuckin’ all ears, just like that.”
“I—okay. I didn’t say I need you, I’m just happy you’re still here. I know, it’s probably weird for me to say this—“
At this point I felt like I was squirming in my seat under his gaze. Why is he doing this, almost obsessed with the idea of me needing him?
“Hey, no. I’m sorry if I went too far joking about it and making you feel like it’s weird. It’s not. I feel very… fuckin’ happy you think so highly of me.”
We talk more, and I learn that the news of the possible COVID-19 outbreak, even if it’s not happening here, has really messed with him and I understand a little better why he is being like this. No one wants to feel isolated and alone and he seems to be holding onto me now more than ever. I understand him, but it will change us. For worse or for better, nobody knows.
“Anything else before I go?”
“Actually, yeah. I have a few friends pop over in a few days. You should come too,” he tells me like it’s nothing and like he has already made up my mind for me.
“Oh?” I ask with genuine surprise, “are you sure? Do you really thinks it’s a good idea for me to meet them?”
“Of course! I think it’d be fuckin’ awesome! They’ve been in the city for a few days now, they’re not coming from another state, so it’s all good, all safe.“
“Okay.”
He grins happily, “great!”
What am I getting myself into here? I need to think things through when I get home. He walks me to the door not soon after that. I thought to open the door and walk myself out, but he had the same thought to open it for me, causing us to collide with each other again. This is such a deja vu, but I didn’t remember how awkward it exactly is.
“Yeah, that’s it. I’ll stop being a gentleman right at this fuckin’ second,” he laughs. I laugh too, because as awkward as it is, he makes it funny.
“Okay, I’m gonna go now, before you jump at me again,” I finally make the move to leave.
“Uh—excuse me!” he yells after me, “it takes two! It takes two, pal!”
I keep backing away until I’m so far from him, that we pretty much have to yell to make ourselves heard in this hallway, before waving him goodbye. I made some quick strides to the elevator, it was waiting for me on the same floor as if to rescue me. What is he doing to me and why is it working? And why do I kind of like it?
.
So, how do I actually feel about Alex inviting me over with his friends there? The thought of it seemed to excite him greatly, but I, on the other hand, am not sure if I can reciprocate his feelings. I do like hanging out with him doing nothing, but when you throw other people in the mix, will it just blow up in our faces? Am I just ruining things to make myself miserable at this point?
I so want to text my friend at times like this, even though I’m highly aware they would force me to go and socialize, but I figure this is something I just have to decide myself and for myself. Some would say this is out of my comfort zone, but what else would I find comfort in if not being around him? How bad could it be there?
My phone makes a sound. There’s really only one person who would have a reason to text me right now. It’s time to make up my mind, I guess.
I was right, it was Alex,
“Sooo you coming tonight? I hope?” 4:35 PM
Fortunately for him, I don’t think I have it in me to tell him no. Not when he sounds like this, like he needs me. Like it’s up to me to make or break his night. It’s a lot of pressure to be this important to someone like him.
For now, I reply,
“Yeah, I’ll be there!” 4:39 PM
It’s as if he knows me inside out again and that I’m still questioning my choice, because he doesn’t leave it there, but says,
“Awesome, I was already thinking you’d bail on me.” 4:40 PM
That’s awkward.
“Never.” 4:40 PM
Guess I’m going.
.
I popped by a liquor store on my way to his before I hopped on the bus. I’m not usually the one to drink, especially on the first meeting, but I think I need some liquid courage, because I will decay before I can meet those new people if I think about it too hard. Have I already made it obvious that I’m a nervous wreck? It’s already an accident scene in my mind. When I finally arrive at his door, I could already hear the voices of many that I’m not familiar with. It’s still not too late to back out, but I won’t. I didn’t come this far just to come this far.
I knock on the door, and then it opens, revealing Alex behind it, smiling at me radiantly as ever. The smile that I think makes this all worth it.
He seems to be already having fun with his friends, so it’s still unclear to me why he wanted me here to shuffle the pack. I put on a happy face and my best foot forward, greeting him with the same enthusiasm. Faking it until I make it.
“I’m so glad you’re here!” he was grinning, like he was proud to have lured me here.
“Of course! Always up for a challenge.”
“Hey, everyone’s gonna like you, as much as I do. You don’t ever have to worry about that,” he pouts.
I wonder what caused him to say that. What is suddenly so likeable about me and how can he sound so sure of everything?
I step in the living room and see three other people that are still strangers to me. So that’s not too bad, I can tackle three. And perhaps Alex was right, if he invited me here it must mean there’s something he sees in me that everyone else will too. It was when I found my seat that they started talking and then it was my job to keep up.
“Hi! I’m Karl!” a brunette opposite me spoke and gave me a little wave.
“Punz,” the person next to him raised his hand as a greeting and popped snacks into his mouth.
“Oh! I’m Foolish!” the last person speaks and laughs lightly.
I wonder what happens next and how much they already know, or more like, what has Alex told them about me. Well, I was nevertheless about to tell them something that I hoped to be interesting enough, but got cut off by Punz as he waves me off and gestures to bottles on the table, “oh, we know who you are. Here, have one—oh, you brought your own drinks, nice.”
Oh, now I really am curious what have they heard from Alex. If it’s anything like what he told me at the door, I have a lot of expectations to meet. I’m totally cool about it, as cool as the drink I crack open and take a sip of. Bless them for initiating small talk while we wait for something to happen, since we are still the guests here.
Speaking of Alex, where the hell did he go? I haven’t seen him ever since he let me in and told me I don’t have to worry about a thing. Well, now I am worrying a bit, am I the only one who feels bothered by his absence?
“Yo, where the hell did he go?” Karl asks everyone at the table.
So, it seems I’m not.
We all look around ourselves but he was nowhere to be seen. As if he planned this all along, leaving me alone with his friends so we have no other choice but to gather around and talk to each other. It would have happened even without his shenanigans, so I don’t understand why this was necessary, if that is the case.
We couldn’t help, but laugh at the absurdity of the situation. Karl hid his smile with his sleeves and slapped the armrest, “he really said hi and bye. Can you believe him?”
He shakes his head disapprovingly. Punz seems fixated on the snacks he is still eating, good for him. Foolish was laughing too, like this was the main entertainment. I feel anything but entertained, I forgot to expect the unexpected whenever I am with Alex. You never know with him. I just sat there and drank my drink.
“So, what do you guys wanna do? Since it’s just us,” Foolish asks and wiggles his eyebrows, leaning forward to rest his hands on his knees, balancing the neck of a bottle on his fingertips.
I don’t want them to change their plans for me or to stop doing what they were doing before I got here, but obviously, true to my nature, I don’t dare to tell them that. My head is playing tricks on me, making me think there’s still a reason to keep my guard up and shy away.
Karl looks like he’s going to say something, like a brilliant idea washed over him, but then just asks me, “you two seem like you’re pretty close. Are you?”
My jaw slacks open in surprise. I assume he’s talking about me and Alex. What do I even say to that?
“Yeah, I think so—“
“Really? What do you like about him?” Karl bombards me with more questions, “ahem, as friends, of course.”
What is this about? What are my answers being used for?
I’m confused, but answer, “uh—everything?”
I don’t really know what to say and I acknowledge that Alex could come back any second and I don’t exactly want to be caught talking like this.
Karl tucks his lips into a tight-lipped smile, “well, if that ain’t the cutest thing. I asked him the same thing and he told me pretty much the same about you. Do whatever you want with that information.”
It’s now my turn to ask him, “really?”
He said that?
Karl just smiles again and yells out to Alex, wherever he is, “in case you forgot, you still have guests over and we would like to do something here, with or without you!”
Okay, so that conversation is over and I’m left drawing the conclusions and connecting the dots myself. It looks like a messy map of undecided feelings and missing truths. Did he really mean it, and if, why?
We all dissolve into laughter when Alex finally comes out of hiding and yells, “okay, asshole! Some of us has to look good tonight.”
Not too much had changed about him that would explain why he was gone for so long. Well, he had changed his outfit and from what I can tell, maybe fluffed his hair a bit, but I don’t see why that is necessary. He can do whatever he wants in his house, I guess. Not that I mind what he looks like, I myself am very casual and so are the other guests.
“So,” he claps his hands together and sits down next to me, not taking his eyes off me, “you okay?”
I nod. He has no reason to worry about me so much, but I appreciate his heartfelt care. It’s a two-way street, I acknowledge I would do the same. It causes a grin to break out on his face, “great! So, should we play something? Jackbox?”
We did that. I was sitting there on the couch, with my legs pulled up to my chest, curling away, watching the game play on, downing my drink.
Somewhere along the night, he was resting his arm on the back of my seat. I didn’t think much of it, until I felt his fingers toy with my hair. Does he even realise he’s doing it? I let it go and let him do his thing. It’s new for the both of us, a touch that’s so gentle and light as a feather it’s almost make-believe, but it feels nice and real. It’s making me want to stay here longer.
The game went on, we didn’t get through a round without laughter and genuine fun. I don’t know what happened to me about halfway through the night, I drank like never before. It occurred to me that it’s a receipt for disaster, but I’m way past thinking straight anymore. We just had a bit too much fun, or I did. Like I said, I never take things this far, but the rules slipped my mind tonight.
Foolish stretches with a strained cry and we all contagiously yawn as we wrap up the game for the night.
Alex mumbles next to me, “did you guys know there’s a fuckin’ fancy pool downstairs? I think it’s closed now and probably has restrictions and shit anyway—”
“Why tell us about it then?” Punz asks.
Karl was giggling again, “and who asked? We get it, you’re rich and we can’t go there—”
“No!” Alex defended his case, “I just—that would’ve been cool.”
It would’ve. I’d like to see the pool. Maybe someday.
Karl hums, “hm, did you want to look at the stars with me and kiss me under the moonlight?”
We all laugh again and watch Alex throw a cushion at him.
Everyone soon scattered around the house to take bathroom breaks and such. As I attempt to hoist myself up, I definitely feel more drunk than I had intended to be tonight. I give up and sit back and hug my knees again, hoping this will pass. Alex gets up too to clean up the empty bottles on the table and floor. I’m scared I’m going to make a mess that won’t be so easy to clean up.
I’m mentally cursing everything and myself, mostly myself for crossing the line, and how awkward it is sitting here alone. I want to get up and make things better, but before I know what is happening, I find myself falling to the ground. There’s no way to really say how I feel other than that I feel like I’m on a merry-go-round that doesn’t stop for anyone. It’s making my stomach churn and head spin. Everything is spinning, until I crash and hit the ground, or whatever I fell onto.
I’m listening but don’t hear anything, thinking it’s the alcohol messing with my head, until I realise there’s no sound. It’s a pin-drop silence. We’re almost frozen in time, right in this moment.
Alex finally fills the silence and speaks to me, holding onto me, “are you okay? Should I—tell me what can I do for you?”
Did he…. catch me? I mean, he must have, because I’m not shattered on the floor right now, but instead it was a very delicate fall. It didn’t even feel like falling, but the proof that I did is right there when I open my eyes that brings me a distorted vision of the floor.
“It’s probably just the alcohol, you know. We should get them water,” I hear someone else speak for me.
I then hear sounds from the kitchen, until it’s silent again, anticipating.
“Here,” Alex advised me, “drink this.”
I felt a glass tilted against my lips and gulped down some water, and prayed this will all pass. This is such a nightmare, and I don’t even know who’s the villain here. I didn’t even drink that much, or did I?
Alex shakes me a little to get my focus, “do you feel sick? Just nod or shake your head.”
He kneels by my side and lays a warm hand on my shoulder, rocking me a little. That’s one thing I’m painfully aware of right now, how close we are. I hesitate to let him get any closer to me, in case this turns into an awkward memory. I mean, it’s already embarrassing enough as it is, I just don’t need him to touch me in ways he will later regret.
He seems to notice my upset state and lifts my head to rest on his knees for a little comfort and holds me a little closer. This way, I can feel his every move, almost even every breath he takes. It oddly helps me, trying to synchronise our breathing, reminding myself that I can live through this.
I shake my head weakly, too weak to speak. Thankfully, he understands. I can see it in his terror-stricken eyes. Is he scared for?
“So, that’s a no. Would it be okay to move you onto the couch?”
I nod, giving him the green light. I’m still here, pathetically lying on the floor like a wounded animal and no one knows what’s the right thing to do.
Alex nods back at me, “okay. Is this a stupid question if I ask if you can stand up? Even just for a few s—”
“Oh my God,” Punz groans, “yeah, no offence at all, but that’s a stupid question. I mean, look at them.”
Yeah, look at me... I know there’s no judgment there behind his words, it sounds almost pitiful, the way he talks about me. He sounds like someone who wants the best for me.
“Okay,” Alex panics, “sorry. Is it—do you want me to carry you?”
Like he’s asking permission from me before daring to move me or touch me in a new way. I’m not in a good headspace to think, but that was kind of adorable of him. I nod, before I feel overtaken by nausea again. I can feel it in my guts, literally.
I can make out Alex again hovering somewhere over me as he witnesses the colour draining from my face and my eyes drooping, like there’s something I’m trying to fight against. He seems to get the hint when I gesture him that I don’t feel good and then there’s four voices again frantically talking over each other about what to do with me.
“Are you—okay, okay. Should we go to the bathroom?!” Alex’s freaking out. Poor him.
Meanwhile I think I officially have the worst taste in making decisions. I’m in last place in learning lessons. This should have never happened. It doesn’t matter anymore, but I know better.
“Yes!” Punz steps in, “take them!”
Those are the last words I can hear before I feel like silently I’m blacking out and spiralling into darkness.
.
The next time I gain some sort of consciousness is when someone is talking and gently caressing me. I’m on the floor again, and that floor is cold, which feels nice on my hot skin. I don’t know where I am now, or who is with me, but my head is too heavy to ask myself those questions. I want to lay here for a second and just catch my breath, before I catch myself triggering another wave of nausea.
I feel someone leave my side for a minute, before they come back and drape something warm over me, as I lie still, too sick to utter a word. And so there were no further words spoken, until they squeeze me tight and whisper, “are you okay? Please, for the love of fuckin’ everything, tell me you’re okay.”
Assuming they are talking to me, I nod. I’m getting there, I’m going to be fine. I think.
“Oh, thank God,” they whisper back, keeping their voice low, “tell me if you need anything and I’ll deal with it.”
I really need my bed. No more words are needed when they say everything with their touch, rubbing their fingers comfortingly against my skin where they are holding my arm. I take a sharp breath as I feel my stomach twist and turn again very unpleasantly and pray they don’t hear it, but they do.
“It’s okay,” they murmur quietly again, “is it okay that I’m here with you?”
I nod again.
I lost all track of time and place as I laid there in the silence. The silence seemed to be fulfilling enough for the person with me too, like keeping me company was the main reason they are here. By the way, I have no idea how long me and they have been here, wherever we are, but they never rush me. It never happens, no matter how many minutes of this night we are wasting.
Then it comes to the point of intoxication when I feel very swept up in emotions, like I had burned like a birthday candle that burns for joy, but now I’m burning out. I don’t even flinch when tears prickle my eyes and I start sniffling, as dramatic as it is. I really try to contain it, but my body doesn’t listen and wants to stir the pot and make me more of a mess. So I have no fight in me.
The person next to me doesn’t seem to mind as they lean down to fully capture me, their body radiating warmth against mine and hands urgently pressing wherever they could and stroking my back. Still no words said, but letting the actions speak. I know it’s not the right time or place for this, but when’s the last time someone has held me like this or would love this version of me? They keep me there tightly in place, tucked against their chest, giving my frame a few easing squeezes to tell me to take my time.
When they pull away, I whine in the loss of comfort they once brought.
“One more hug?” they ask me. As soon as I nod, we are back to cuddling there on the floor. It must not be so comfortable for them, but they put up with it, for me.
I’m startled to the core when I hear a door opening to the room we’re in, and a voice, “the car’s here. Ready whenever you are.”
That sounds a lot like one of Alex’s friends I met tonight.
The someone who’s still lying by my side tells them, “okay, great. Uh—we’ll be right out, okay?”
That sounds a lot like Alex.
Wait, so I’m still at Alex’s place, in his bathroom, and everyone is still here? I’m embarrassed. Cheers to the night I wish to forget. The only memory I wish to revisit tomorrow is Alex and his tendency to closely watch over me. He did more than what was enough and showed me something about him I haven’t seen before. I like the new highs he took me to, but I’m not going to like the come-down tomorrow.
I jolt somewhat awake when I’m being helped to stand up and then walked downstairs and put in the awaiting car. This ride is not going to be nice with an upset stomach like mine. I don’t have to worry about that for too long though, when I close my eyes and then I’m out like lights.
.
I wake up to sunlight peaking through the window, shining on my face. I don’t know anything, but I do know that I feel like hell, at least emotionally. My mouth is dry as ever and my body feels icky. It’s uncomfortable to a point, that I wish I could step out of my current skin and put on a clean, nice one that doesn’t hurt. I’m happy to make the observation that I’m in my bed and that I made it home last night, or, well, I must have made the absolute walk of shame home last night.
I don’t know how long I have laid here like the dead, it doesn’t feel that long at all since I was sick at Alex’s. Speaking of him, how will I ever speak to him again without wanting to die of embarrassment? I didn’t have much time to think about it, when my thoughts were diverted to something else; I’m wearing more clothes than I did when I left. I’m talking about the soft hoodie I still have draped over me, Alex’s hoodie that he lent me for comfort. Awkward. It’s so bad I wonder if it will ever get good again.
I’m scared to check my phone, I really don’t want to know or see anything right now that would make me feel worse, but I still check it. The time on the screen tells me that it’s 11:45 AM and that my friend had texted me not so long ago;
“Come to my place today! We’re having a partyyyy. I know you love those ;)” 11:34 AM
Right, it’s Saturday, of course they are having one. When it comes to this party and my invitation, I can’t even look at alcohol right now, not after the night I had. It’s the last thing I need to expose myself to and it’s almost inevitable.
No text from Alex, nothing. A part of me wishes to see him, to apologize and give back his hoodie, but I don’t know what he thinks of me anymore. I know it would be better to make the big step forward and own up to it, but I was so out of line last night that I’m honestly terrified to talk to him right now. He probably resents me. I do too, it’s almost inspiring. I might be weak and unstable, but at least I’m trying. He and what we have, it means too much to let it fall apart.
I went back to bed and texted my friend back, telling them about last night. Not all of it, but enough for them to know I feel vulnerable and psychically I’m not doing much better.
While I lay there in the silence I created, I let the memories from last night creep back, or the ones I can remember. The tender touches from him, the whispers that were all for me. The hold he had of me, like I was the only thing he wanted to touch. I have forgotten to miss his touch already when there’s still a mess I have yet to clean up and this time he won’t help me. He hadn’t signed up for taking care of me, but he still did and followed through like it was a contract. God, how will I ever make it up to him?
So, tonight’s party. I think I feel fine enough to go as long as I stay away from the drinks, stay there for an hour or two just to say hello to my friend, and then come straight back home and continue rotting in bed. It’s settled then.
I take a long, refreshing shower which soothes some part of me, but I still have this shame that doesn’t come off in the wash. That’s not how life works, unfortunately.
As I’m picking out an outfit, my phone pings to notify me of a text from Alex. Shit. I’m terrified to see what he has to say, but I know I have to take on my biggest enemy right now; the consequences of my actions. I don’t want to leave him hanging right now, so I read it immediately.
“Are you okay???” 1:34 PM
That’s all his text says.
Well, I have this shame in me that’s eating me alive, but other than that, I feel okay, I guess. This is why I sometimes hate texting, not being able to read people. I can’t tell if he’s mad or worried, or somewhere in between, and I don’t know how I deserve to be perceived right now.
“I’m okay, but so embarrassed I’m not even sure I can talk right now, but I know we need to.” 1:36 PM
He must’ve been waiting to hear from me, because it didn’t take him long to respond;
“No, it’s fine. Seriously don’t worry. I’m just glad you’re okay. It was an honour to take care of you ;)” 1:36 PM
Why would he say that? I can’t remember what I have done and am not sure if I want to know. And when it comes to him reassuring me this is fine, I want to tell him it’s not and that he has every right to be frustrated, but I don’t exactly want to go against what he is saying to me and argue. How will I win if I don’t want to fight?
“Stop, this is so embarrassing. Can’t wait to never be invited again.” 1:37 PM
I fairly wouldn’t be shocked if last night was my last night at his place. His lack of irritation and ability to brush things off has so far been surprising. I wonder if he really is okay and what is he doing today. Is he thinking about me, us, and what to do with me? He is not going to fire me over this, is he?
He replied shortly;
“Can’t wait to invite you again ;) What are you doing today?” 1:39 PM
Just like that, he read my mind.
“I’m actually going to a friend’s place, there’s a party BUT I am NOT drinking! Just wanna say hi and then bounce. Believe me, alcohol is the last thing I want right now. What are you doing?” 1:41 PM
I feel stupid now that I said it out loud, that I’m attending another party after last night. He must think I’m insane, if he already doesn’t.
My phone pings again to alert another text from him;
“Oh nice, don’t drink, I’m not there to save you ;) Doing nothing.” 1:44 PM
I’m just going to ignore those winky faces he keeps sending me and how they make me feel. Just when I thought things couldn’t get more weird between us, they do. I type;
“This is as embarrassing for me as it gets, but I still have your hoodie. Tell me when to return it!” 1:46 PM
“Oh, it’s no problem. Think you need it more than me ;)” 1:47 PM
He is acting like he’s the one out of his mind right now. Did we both get up on the wrong side of the world this morning and fell into some alternate universe where nothing feels real or makes sense?
I don’t know what came over me next when I typed before I could think;
“You wanna come with me to the party? I think we really need to talk.” 1:50 PM
I was terrified to check my phone when it had been a few minutes, and even more when I saw no reply from him. Why did I have to go and do that? Haven’t I been enough trouble for him already? I really need to think more and do less. Or, even better, I could have at least waited until Monday, when he’s going to text me anyway about work and the schedule for the week. It’s really not easy being me right now when I can’t stop screwing up and upsetting people, it seems like.
Next time I checked, he actually had replied;
“Needy smh, but what wouldn’t I do to see you ;) Tell me where and when.” 2:01 PM
He just said yes, as in I will see him very, very soon? This was an unexpected turn of events and I don’t know if we are heading for a dead-end here. I haven’t been this scared in a long time. This is what I wanted, but I think I underestimated myself.
I also made sure to text my friend and keep them in the loop, telling them I will be bringing him with me. I’m only doing this because I will not let him settle for anything less than a proper sorry. But sorry is just a word and not so simple, so what he decides to do with my apology, it’s up to him.
.
I got to the party before Alex did, which was lucky, because it meant I could have some time with my friend before he arrives. I know it’s not all fun and games when he gets here since we still need to talk about… well, last night and I’m not sure what kind of a conversation that will be. It if doesn’t kill me, it probably will make me wish it had. Will we work or hurt?
I soon spot my friend in the crowded living room that had been turned into a dance floor for the night. The reek of alcohol and the sight of it is enough to make my stomach turn. I’m never drinking again. I push myself through the crowd and tap my friend on the shoulder. They turn around, their eyes lighting up as they see me there.
“Do you want—right, you’re not drinking tonight!” they yell over the music.
I shook my head, “no way. I’ll be just hanging in the kitchen probably, you know, serving you drunks.”
“That’s fine! And hey! What were you last night then?!”
“An idiot.”
They shoot me a sympathetic look and nod again, changing the subject like the good friend they are. We catch up some more, before I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket. I know it before even checking that it’s Alex texting me, telling me he’s finally here.
“I’m going to find him now!”
My friend just dramatically grins and sends me on my way, “hurry up! Don’t let him get away!”
I make my way back outside, and once I get there I inhale the fresh air that doesn’t stink of alcohol, which washes off all that nausea. My gaze immediately fall on Alex as he stands there cooly, with his hands in his pockets. He really came here for me, or at least that’s what I want to think, but I’m afraid he’s not here to see me just to see me, but for something else.
I forget for a second that I’m supposed to feel ashamed when his face holds a mysterious grin that makes it hard to believe there has even been anything troubling him, “hi! Good to see you standing, literally.”
Okay, so maybe there’s a chance he will try forgiving me and maybe forget.
I gladly accept his hug, letting him pull me to his chest, feelinghisthumb softly rubbing my back as he holds me in place, “shut up, but I am too, but shut up.”
He laughs lightly, music to my ears, “you’re a fuckin champ, though, because—how the fuck are you even standing after that? I thought I was going to have to carry you to the hospital.”
Ashamed isn’t actually even the word for how I feel, it’s deep regret for what I put him through. If there’s any part of him that is mad at me, he is suppressing it very well, so well that I’m not sure he is letting me see it.
“I don’t know, but even thinking of alcohol makes me sick right now, so I think I’ll be hanging in the kitchen, playing the bartender.”
Alex grins at me widely again, his tongue darts out to lick his lower lip, before he admits, “it’s a shame, truly, that our time together was so limited. We didn’t even get to the good part.”
“Which was?”
“I don’t know, like we could’ve snuck to the pool. That would’ve been fuckin’ sick—sorry, I do apologize for my choice of words right there,” he shrugs, emphasising the word ‘sick’.
“Shut up or I’ll be sick on you the next time, whatever, goodbye,” I turn on my heel and walk inside, pretending to be annoyed and it didn’t take long that I heard him on my tail, following me inside.
“Next time?” he asks behind me, tickling my sides, “there will be a next time?”
I don’t need to look at him to know his eyebrows are quirked and that he’s wearing that stupid smirk again. It’s truly his favourite accessory whenever he’s around me, especially today when he has something new to tease me about. My head is hanging down as I’m trying to hide the smile creeping across my face from everyone passing by. They would never understand, when I can hardly understand how he makes me feel.
I kind of did take on a role of the bartender in the kitchen. You know, serving everyone who swings by whatever drinks they are looking for. Alex grabbed a seat and came to sit right by me, like I’m the only interesting thing here, or in the whole wide world.
“Sorry I forgot to bring your hoodie,” I blurt out. Better to get on with these apologies, there’s a long list to go.
It was his turn to roll his eyes, those eyes that held such care for me last night, “listen, that’s—it’s yours now. If you’re gonna give it back to me, I’m just gonna give it to you, you know that?”
Because friends totally keep each other’s clothes, right?
It’s like he could tell there was a lot on my mind as if he wanted to do something about it, “listen. Stop apologising or thinking you did something wrong last night and shit. I mean, I didn’t think either that you would find yourself in my arms, literally, but shit happens. Just let it go.”
“You know I was only there in your arms, because I quite literally passed out?”
“Yeah, sure,” he just grinned at me, like he wanted to believe that’s the real truth, “you seemed more awake when we… hugged and shit. Cuddled, even. It’s all good, I liked it too.”
I groan and cover my ears. So embarrassing.
I serve a few drinks to people, not exchanging a word or even a look with anyone else other than Alex. He is what matters.
“Wait, you have Snapchat? You should add me,” he leans back in his seat like he’s here for the long haul, already pulling out his phone.
“Ugh, really? You’re one of those guys?” I hate that stuff, I don’t really see the appeal and I don’t know if it would make any difference to what we do now, but for him, sure, I guess?
“Hey!” he straightens up looking up at me, extending his hand for my phone, “it’s a great fuckin’ app, okay? You just boom, boom, pow, and everyone knows what you’re doing.”
I give it to him without further complaints, expect for, “I don’t need everyone to know what I’m doing.”
“No, no. Just me,” he smiles smugly, softly brushing his hand against mine. I don’t know he meant to do it, but if not, then he’s real damn good at pretending and these happy accidents.
While I was handing out drinks, he is doing God knows what on my phone. There’s not a single word exchanged when he seems to look interested in whatever he’s finding there and I’m not bothered to intervene, just enjoying his company in all its forms, until he talks again, “yo, what the fuck is this? This don’t even look like you.”
He flashes my Bitmoji on the screen, just enough for me to get a glimpse of it. Yeah, I know, I really don’t care about that stuff or if it looks like me. I have never felt bothered to change it or customize it, so sue me.
“Oh, really?” I challenge him.
“Yeah, I could make that amazing, like—you’ll see. You’ve never looked better.”
Before he could get any more heated over this dumb debate, I agree and let him work his magic on my phone again. Meanwhile I try to steal glances at him of sitting with his head low, leaning on his knees. He’s so chill it almost gives me chills. I can’t believe we made it through what happened last night, or did we?
I let him mess with my phone while dealing with more drunk people looking for more drinks. I gave them what they wanted. Ugh, they’re gonna feel like hell tomorrow. After last night, I can’t look at drunk people the same way, sorry.
“There,” he slams the phone back on my hand.
I raise it up to my eyes, “what the hell?”
He had made me look absolutely ridiculous and freaky. This, if anything, does not look like me. Well, as long as he has fun.
“Thanks for making sure no one will ever talk to me again,” I tuck my phone deep in my pocket.
“They shouldn’t, you’re right. I think I should be the only one,” he lays his eyes on me again, raising his eyebrows challengingly and crossing his arms across his chest.
For an hour, he sat there with me, like the time had stopped for us and there was no hurry to be anywhere else. I understood a little bit better why many feel drawn to Alex, and how it’s his commentary on things that is rather entertaining. I just want to hear him talk and joke more. I noticed he had rolled his sleeves up at one point and now his other sleeve had fallen down due to his dramatic hand gestures. It was kind of adorable.
“I’m definitely not drinking ever again. I’m so glad I’m not one of these people here, they will feel like hell tomorrow,” I tell him after watching another drunken person stumble out of the kitchen, leaving the two of us alone again.
He suddenly seems concerned, a total shift in his mood, “are you sure you’re okay? Did you even throw up last night? Like, you know, you need to get that shit out of your system.”
I bury my head in my hands, “I don’t know, I don’t remember anything after I was put in that car. What was up with that though? Who drove me home? Whoever it was, I just want to tell them that I’m sorry for being such an idiot.”
He hurries to my comfort, “it’s okay! You don’t remember? I got my friend to pick us up, he drove you home and then drove me back to the house.”
“You were there, in the car? Why?” I was surprised. He didn’t have anywhere to go, since he was already home, so why would he be there?
“Holy shit, you really don’t remember a thing,” he tries to contain his laughter, “of course I had to be there with you, I mean, not to spark some memories, but you were quite literally all over the place and I feel like it was my duty to get you home, so I came along, which by the way turned out to be the right thing to do, since you kept passing out and leaning on me.”
I did? And he was there for me the whole car ride? Ignorance is bliss, but I wonder what made him do it. Was it his head or heart that made that decision? Is he hiding something to be considerate of me or is there something he is not telling me? I would do the same for him, though, but I’ll never tell him that, since we all have something to hide here.
“Oh God,” I groan in shame, “yeah, I don’t remember how I got home from the car, but I don’t think I want to even know. I know it will be embarrassing as hell.”
He seals his lips with his pointer finger, “okay, okay. I’m not telling you, unless you absolutely demand me to, but let’s just say that you were clinging on to me when I was walking you to the door like—”
“Stop!” I cover my face with my hands. This is so bad for me. I will never, ever hear the end of this.
Well, that was until our night came to an end when he told me he has to get going, since he had promised to stream later tonight. Safe to say I was disappointed, but duty calls for all of us sometimes and I can’t do anything to stop it.
I didn’t let him leave until I told him, “I can’t wait for the day when this will all be forgotten and we can go back to normal. I am so, so embarrassed.”
“You’re asking me to forget how it felt to have you all over me? You’re driving a hard bargain, I’m not sure I can do that,” he grins mischievously and reaches for my arms as I walk him to the door. This is hopeless, he is being impossible. Impossibly… flirty?
Hhe closes the distance between us to capture me in a quick embrace, wishing me a safe rest of the night, and then he is gone, vanishing into the night too soon for my liking like a figment of my imagination. For a second I really think if this is all just a really good book that we live in. He’s too good to be true sometimes and that’s what scares me. I think it’s safe to say I am free to move on from last night and that we are in the clear.
I had to really comb the whole living room in the hope of finding my friend, to tell them I’m out of here for good. Now that Alex’s gone, I feel like this place is dead and I have already overtimed my stay. I made my way through the dancing bodies, bumping into a few.
“Hey, who are you? Where did a beautiful thing like you come from?” says someone behind me. I know they’re talking to me, because I can feel them trying to grab my arm to slow me down. Not to my surprise, when I make them the favour of turning around, I see a guy I have never seen before. He wasn’t too drunk to function or to know what he’s doing, but definitely has more than a few drinks down.
“Uh…” I stutter, “I was just about to leave.”
He groans, “nooo, c’mon, stay! I’ll get you a drink if you stay and—”
“I don’t drink tonight, actually. I still have a killer hangover from last night, so I just came to say hello to a friend here,” I tell him firmly before he can finish that sentence. I don’t need to hear it, because my mind can’t be changed.
He seems taken aback and puts some space between us like someone will charge at him if he gets one more move wrong, “okay, I hear you, I respect that.”
Thank God. I smile in hopes that he lets me go on my merry way, until he tugs on me again, “hey, you’re not interested at all? Like, can I get your number at least? I swear I’m not a creep, but you’re really, really beautiful, and I’d like to know you. That’s all.”
He raises his hands up in surrender as to prove his innocence to me and I internally want to roll my eyes. I thought he might have been cool and all and and then he raises a red flag. Nothing good ever starts with what he said, ‘I’m not a creep, but…’. He seems harmless, even a little nervous to be talking to me, which almost makes me feel flattered. Almost. He is innocent until proven guilty. Hope it’s not a dead-end case.
Before I can pick him apart any more in my head, I agree to his deal and he seems to notably cheer up, “awesome. Thanks for giving a guy like me a chance, it’s not every day I get this lucky.”
Save those compliments for the date, I’ve already said yes, I thought. That said ‘date’ though, all I’m saying is that I won’t be mad if it never happens. I’m not particularly excited to possibly see him again, but I rather take the risk than the regret of what could’ve been.
I just smile again when we quickly exchange numbers, and then I leave. It’s unlucky I can’t see my friend anywhere, so I just text them on my way out that I’m leaving. They wish me good night. I
.
Ever since that weekend, I felt the universe shift again for me. I know I say that a lot, but something really changed between me and Alex, like someone had wiped our slates clean and tied our souls together into a pretty bow. Or maybe it was because of that damned Snapchat, he definitely has used it to his advantage and sent me stuff all day and night, telling me where he’s going or what’s he doing, like he wants me to know his every move. Whatever it is that we’re doing, I kind of don’t want it to stop. I want to hear more from him, see more of him, and if this helps the case, then so be it. I want to give this my best.
Work has been okay, actually more than okay, now that I finally know him the way I have wanted. Sometimes he calls me while I’m working and we go over some bits together and laugh about them, or he tells me about the game he has been playing lately and I try hard not to get distracted. If I’m having a tough day, he always manages to put me back together. It was not so long ago when I still felt like walking on eggshells around him, like I was desperately just trying hard to make a good impression on him, but now we ask all the deep questions and keep each other up all night talking about anything and everything. It’s weird how fast things have fallen into place with him.
Just like today, when I finished work and was almost expecting him to blow up my phone again for no particular reason. I actually can’t wait to hear from him. My phone did eventually ping to alert a text, but my smile fell when I saw it wasn’t a text from him, but from a number I don’t recognise nor have saved;
“Hey. Still up for that date, I hope? How about tomorrow?” 5:32 PM
A date? With who?
“I’m so sorry, who is this?” 5:34 PM
“It’s me from the party! You didn’t drink back then, but I wondered if you’d like to go out, I mean you did say yes after all. Unless something came up?” 5:35 PM
Oh, it’s him, from my friend’s house party. Tomorrow is Saturday after all, if it happens it will happen tomorrow. I don’t know if I exactly feel like wasting a perfectly good Saturday night on him when there’s endless potential for it, but I guess one date won’t hurt, so I tell him;
“Oh sure, tomorrow is fine. Text me the time and place?” 5:38 PM
“Great, there’s this restaurant I think you’d like, I’ll text you the address. How about at 7PM?” 5:39 PM
How does he think he knows me already? I’m just going to go along and hope for the best, whatever the best here is.
“Sounds good to me!” 5:40 PM
.
It was 6.15 PM when I left the house the next day for this so-called-date. He had kindly offered to pick me up, but I told him I’d rather meet him there.
The restaurant looked promising, at least on the outside. I don’t even remember the last time I went out to eat, now that I think of it. I definitely didn’t in a million years think my next time would be with someone I barely know, an actual date. He didn’t seem to care too much about the finer things, so I’m surprised this is the kind of place he decided to choose for us tonight, but I appreciate the effort. I’m lucky if I even remember what he looks like and if we find each other in this parking lot.
I was there, leaning against the wall and looking around, until I saw a silhouette of someone I think I recognise getting out of a car. I’m pretty sure it’s him and he confirmed my suspicion by smiling at the sight of me and waving, making his way over.
“Hello there,” he greeted me politely, “let’s get inside and see what this place is all about, shall we?”
I nodded and let him lead the way. How bad could this be?
It was a few steps to the door that opened up a bustling, dim space for our eyes. I could barely make out what he was telling me, but I figured it was something about finding our table. I just nodded and went along with him as we walked further inside.
“How did we, or you, manage to get this table tonight?” I asked him when he found an empty booth and we made ourselves comfortable in it. I mean, this place is packed and if I saw correctly, there was a small queue outside that we were able to just waltz past.
“Well,” he blushed a little under the yellow light, coming from the lamp hanging above our table “I booked this for us on the same night when you gave me your number. I’m sorry—I probably went ahead of things a little, but I couldn’t let this opportunity go.”
“Oh, that’s fine.”
At least he’s honest.
“Okay,” he smiled at me as if relieved, “good.”
A waitress came by to get our drink orders first. I decided to settle for one glass, he did too, and then we fell into small talk.
“So, what is it about you? Why are you ‘you’?” he questioned me.
Well, that’s one way to ask for my story.
I cleared my throat and thought about how much do I exactly want to share, before telling him about my studies. That’s always a good place to start, right? He kept nodding while listening to me, occasionally letting out approving sounds. Not that his opinion on what I should do or should’ve done matters too much. I asked him the same question in return, and that’s when he went into great detail about his life. Wow, I would’ve never guessed he’s so... educated and wealthy. A guy like him just doesn’t look like someone that walks around with such riches and glories like it’s nothing. Guess I could have not been more wrong about him.
If Alex was here, he would definitely crack more jokes and never make me feel less than I am—stop! Why am I thinking of him right now?
He kept rambling, not stopping even for a second when our drinks and food got placed down in front of us and we dug in, “I don’t want to brag, but I could change your life too if you gave me a chance. I have everything anyone could ever want and you look like you could use some of that.”
I wanted to roll my eyes, because that’s exactly what he’s doing this whole time; bragging. It’s not the lifestyle I’m interested in nor do I need it from him. I suddenly feel very content with the simple life I have, I don’t need any of those things that he’s trying to force on me.
As I was sipping from my glass, I could already imagine if Alex was here, how he would definitely steal some food from my plate and then act offended when I call him out for it and how we would make fun of pretentious people like my date. On the other hand, I need to stop thinking about him so much and stop looking at life through him and manage on my own for once.
We chat more between bites and gulps, mostly about him or the more serious stuff and the future, things that I didn’t really feel the want to discuss on a Saturday night or if ever, especially on a first date. I mean, we’re so young, what’s the rush planning the rest of our lives right this second?
I let out a few forced laughs here and there at his stories about his trips around the world, laughs that I never had to force with Alex. I felt almost ill at one point, like my gut was telling me something and I wasn’t listening. It didn’t get any better when he fell deeper and deeper into the same cycle of boasting himself and convincing me that he’s the greatest I will ever find. I think he should just date himself at this point.
He eventually slows down, “that was something, wasn’t it? Are you impressed, you don’t look impressed? What about you? What do you think you want to do?”
“Um,” I gulp, “I don’t know.”
“Hm,” he thinks out loud, “you could do so much more than you do right now. I’m not saying you could be as good as I am, these kind of things only happens to the few. I’m just the lucky one, but I think it would be good for you to give me a chance. You don’t need to be miserable for the rest of your live, when you could be happy with me.”
Oh God, I just want this to stop. How would he know what’s good for me and that I’m miserable with how life is going for me when in fact I am not? I mean, I am absolutely miserable right now here with him, but as soon as I get out of here I’ll be the happiest I have ever been and will go on living my perfect life that he won’t ever see. It’s perfect because it’s all mine and no-one else’s.
I nod just to get him to shut up, but as soon as I think it’s over, he looks like he’s eager and ready to delve into another story about himself. I sit there finishing up my food, occasionally listening to him, occasionally shamelessly thinking about Alex again. It’s a scary thought, how attached I feel to Alex all of a sudden. Maybe it’s moments like this, when I realise how good he is to me, so if nothing, at least this date gives me some new perspective on him and how he is the only beautiful thing in this ugly world. I can’t believe there ever was a me without him.
We finish our plates just as he comes to an end on his story. I wonder if he timed that somehow and hope he doesn’t see through my facade and figure it out that I wasn’t paying much attention.
To my luck, he’s just all smiles, “thanks for listening. Now I guess it’s all up to you how you feel.”
Yeah, I’m not feeling much of anything.
He pays for us, at least he is a gentleman, and then we get up. I’m the one leading us outside this time. We stand there in the dark parking lot and he asks me if I need a ride home. I hastily lie again and tell him that I have a friend to pick me up, you know, any excuse just to walk away alone.
He seems to believe it and asks me instead, “so, will I see you again?”
Now’s the time for me to be honest. I shake my head, “sorry, I don’t think so,” and leave swiftly, but not without shooting him a sorry look. I don’t know exactly what I’m sorry for, I’m sorry for myself if anything. Almost everything he said tonight was uncalled for, I deserve something better.
As I make it far enough to not to be in his sight anymore, I fish my phone out of my pocket. It’s only 9:35 PM, I see.
Before I can exactly control myself, I dial Alex’s number.
“Too drunk again?” he picks up, a taunting smirk evident in his voice.
Oh, how lovely it is to hear his voice, and just like that, he immediately makes me want to laugh the realest I have laughed the entire night. All it takes is really nothing from him to make me feel like this. It’s so easy for him to make me happy.
“Ugh, yeah,” I pretend to slur, “I went on this crappy date and drank for my misery the whole time.”
“You did?” he asks, sounding surprised, “I mean—what’s the truth? Did you really?”
“Yeah, I actually did.”
“No fuckin’ way,” his breath hitches for a second, “with who? You don’t know anyone.”
I laughed again, because he genuinely sounds like it’s news to him that I actually can go out and hang out with someone else other than him, “so you’d think, because I’m pretty sure I was just sitting at a restaurant with this guy, who, by the way, was—”
He rushes to interrupt me before he hears too much, “okay, okay! I get it, fuck. What the fuck—is this why you’ve been so quiet today?”
He’s right, we have not talked much today but I didn’t think it would concern him much, but now he makes it sounds like I should be behind bars for neglecting him for a day.
“Calm down, bucko. I didn’t even get to the good part, which is that I’m not interested in him and hope I never see him again.”
“Huh,” he exhales, “that bad?”
“Yeah… not the worst, but I didn’t have the best time either.”
“What happened? Why was he an asshole?” he inquired, almost defensively.
“Okay, imagine someone rich and successful—”
“Yeah, me,” he interrupts me again.
I shushed him through my giggles, “—and they just make it about themselves the whole time, like you didn’t have to come all this way just to tell me that you think you’re better than me.”
He groans in response, “yeah, definitely an asshole. What the fuck were you even doing there?”
“Well, I thought it’d be fun, you know, as you usually expect from dates, but it’s not every time you get lucky, I guess.”
“Yeah, that’s why there’s only one of me,” he states.
I laughed again, “right. But, I’m definitely over it, so you don’t need to worry your little mind. The only thing you need to worry about is when will I see you again before the next date candidate comes along and steals me away again.”
“As you should, as you fuckin’ should be over it. That shit doesn’t sound like worth anyone’s time, especially not yours. I’ll see you next Friday, it’s settled, alright?”
This made me feel a whole lot better, I can’t lie. He’s so easy to be happy around, he doesn’t try too hard to be funny and that’s what makes him funny. I think he’s one of those people who I could list good things about for days. One of those people who constantly celebrates you like it’s your birthday every day. Someone who knows what you need before you know it yourself.
“I love how you know exactly what I need and want and how I should spend my time,” I tease him. What if he is that someone?
“I do. I have something for you that will surely make you feel better, wait.”
“Okay...” I will wait. I have no idea what he could have up his sleeve now, but I think I will be pleasantly surprised, like I always am with him.
All I hear next is rustling and him murmuring to himself as if setting up something or moving something heavy. It went on for a minute, before I heard him loud and clear again and what sounded like him placing the phone down, “so, I have this piano, I don’t know if you knew but… I haven’t played it in a long fuckin’ time anyway.”
I didn’t know that. I don’t know what it has to do with anything, but I will trust the process.
He starts playing and talking in a voice so obnoxious that it makes me cringe for a second, “if you could see that I'm the one who understands you, been here all along, so why can't you see? You belong with me—I'm in the room—in my room, I don’t know—it's a typical Tuesday night—a Saturday night, actually—I’m listening to the kind of music he doesn't like, and he'll never know your story like I do—something like that.”
I don’t know what is going on here, I mean it’s pretty obvious that he’s trying to lift my spirits that were stomped to the ground, but where is this coming from? All jokes aside, he’s pretty good at playing, but of course I don’t dare to tell him. Even if this is not genuine, I’m not mad about it, at least it’s something to laugh about, but if he’s this good when he’s not even being serious, I wonder how good he could be when he wants to be good.
When he decides he’s done, it’s silent until I speak. He seems to be amused by how I’m struggling to make sense of this and laughs loudly, still playing random keys in the background, “yeah, that’s a good fuckin’ song, okay? It’s just straight up disrespectful if it doesn’t make you feel better. Like, I’m sorry I can’t write that shit myself, but I’m still here trying to make the most of it for you.”
For the rest of my way home we talk about nonsense and laugh, it’s what we do best. I try my best to keep good company, even though I’m not able to get back my mind that I had lost on him earlier and I hope for the best that it’s not too obvious that my mind is somewhere else, literally. Will I ever know the truth behind what he did, did he really mean it? Whatever the truth is; will it hurt, is it going to be worth knowing?
After we hang up the phone, I stare at the screen like it would tell me all the answers. That was one hell of a night.
.
He seemed to be completely oblivious to everything the following weeks. Work was as usual, except that it almost had became a ritual for us to see each other every Friday night. It felt dangerous, like I could finally live instead of just exist, it was living between existing. I lived in ways I had never before and no one knew, no one but me and him, but I liked it like that. We would hang out at his place most of the time, I would keep him company and he would keep all of my secrets. His place felt like a hideaway from the real world, most of the time I even forgot there was a real world out there, it felt like it was just us two. We spent time talking about anything and killed time doing much of nothing when there was nothing to talk about. Nonetheless, all time spent with him was time well spent.
As I was on my way to his place one Friday night, I had a different feeling about it as I typically do. Last week had been busy, maybe it was the stress catching up to me. I made it to his door, knocking, waiting until he appeared behind it, looking a bit disheveled. We greeted each other and he let me in.
I was touching up in the front of the bathroom mirror when he barged in, “I was thinking—“
I looked at him through the reflection, silently asking him to keep going.
“—we could go down to the pool now. I can see it from the window, there’s literally no one in there right now.”
“We can?” I asked in surprise. I mean, I’m really not surprised about it being empty, it is almost 9 PM, but I for sure would think that it’s closed at this hour. Isn’t that what he has told me before, when his friends were here too and we asked to go there but he said no, because it closes for the night?
“Yeah!” he cheered, “why not? It’s always open for residents. I know I might’ve said last time that it’s closed at nights, but it’s technically not. I just wanted to—I don’t know—be there with you, not them.”
I’m not sure what he means by wanting to exclude the others, or why he suddenly seems hesitant to even look at me, or why he sounds like his guard is down and he struggled to say those words out loud, but I shrug it off.
“Okay,” I agree, “but I wasn’t exactly prepared for this, I didn’t bring anything.”
If I would’ve known this was on the agenda for tonight, I could have been more prepared, but he is so full of surprises and spontaneousness that I shouldn’t be surprised. One of the many things I have learnt about him so far, I wonder if I will learn more tonight at the pool.
“No, no,” he waved me off, “I got it all.”
He walked over to the fridge and pulled out a bottle, “I have this left from… that night. Is this okay? Just something chill.”
I agree to it, knowing exactly the night he means. He has learned not to poke anymore holes into my remorse than I already have. It’s something we just have moved past.
I watch as he runs around grabbing the keys and the bottle and also two glasses from the cupboard, and then we’re off.
The air at the pool almost stood still, it was so quiet and calm. The moon hit the surface of the water right, making it illuminate before our eyes. I pried my eyes off of it just to see the stunning night sky above us. I suddenly felt small in this world and overwhelmed by how that sky is black, apart from the hundreds of stars, but I’m only seeing colours when I’m here with him. There’s so much beauty in this world that I will never get to see all of it, but this moment makes up for it; the way the universe is kind enough to always stay beautiful to make moments like this more beautiful. Or maybe I just fell for him and got a concussion that’s making me see stars and colours. One or the other.
We sit down on the side of the pool, making ourselves comfortable. He pops the bottle open and pours us both a full glass.
“This is nice. If I could I’d be here every night,” I broke the comfortable silence. ‘Nice’ is definitely an understatement, but I don’t want to overwhelm him like I’m overwhelming myself.
He grinned and swirled his glass, “well, who says you can’t?”
“You, realistically.”
He looked surprised as he gulped down some, “the fuck? You can come over here anytime you want, okay? You know that?”
“Yeah, I know.”
There’s never a point in arguing with him when it comes to… well, me. Like how he always wants me around and if I can’t be there with him, he always makes sure I know I’m at least on his mind by blowing up my phone, asking me how am I. Yeah, I told you; we’ve come far from where we started.
We had a few glasses and talked, a lot. The night got darker as we got lost in endless conversations. I usually forget a lot of things, but I’ll never forget this night, I’m sure of that. It’s the way our minds and words merge together like missing parts, creating an entirety of mutual understanding that only makes sense to us.
As he eventually laid down on the concrete to relax himself and I decided to join him, the view of the luminous sky was undeniably impeccable from this angle. I could still hear the soft sounds of the pool too, the sound of the water gently splashing against the walls, that made me want to close my eyes. There are so many things to be happy about right now, but I’m thinking; what is it that we’re doing here? Are we crossing lines or are we just friendly? Why am I here every Friday night if it’s all innocent? Do I even want to feel like that about someone? Everything is good as it is, so why ruin a good thing like I’m doing right now. But if it’s not him in the end, then who?
I think I’m going through the melancholy you get in this position, when it’s late at night and you think too hard about the world and you get a bit sad and apprehensive about everything.
“The same person that’s destined for you or cares for you or will become your everything someday could be looking at the same moon right now. Isn’t that insane?” I don’t even know what I said that, I didn’t mean to get so sentimental. I still don’t seem to know how deep is too deep.
He sounded tense, “it is, yeah.”
It didn’t sound like him at all. Where’s the laughs and the jokes that are more like him? I was almost expecting him to laugh at me and call me out for being too philosophical for his liking, but he didn’t. It made me nervous.
I turn to look at him as he seems to turn away. It gives me no answers. I think the silence is the loudest and clearest answer here. I’m not sure what happened in the span of these few minutes and why are we now acting like we don’t know each other at all?
When he finally turns to me, I see a look on his face that I have never seen before. He looks almost emotionless. I know he knows this is getting weird and I don’t know anymore who’s to blame, I fear it’s me. There has never been a better time for him to quiet my fears than right now. I just wish he would.
Is this the moment for the inevitable hurt when something goes awfully wrong? Whatever it is, whatever will come out of his mouth next, will change something, change us. I’m sure of it.
“Can I ask you something?” he finally stutters. It’s so quiet I can barely hear it. I wonder how loud it must be in his mind.
“Yeah, anything.”
He laughed sadly, “yeah, anything but what I’m about to ask you.”
It can’t be that bad, can it?
“What is it?” I urge him to tell me.
He abruptly sits up, looking afraid of God knows what, his head slumped, looking very stiff and uncomfortable in his own skin. He has never been the one to run when the heat turns up and it scares me how much he looks like he’s just planning his escape from this situation right now. I want to be there for him so bad, to reassure him that everything is okay, but I settle for silence. I’m not sure what to say to him when he’s acting like this, it’s my first time hanging out with this side of him. So we just sit there, I’m literally counting the seconds, because I don’t know what else to do with my thoughts nor how to sort them.
He finally gets it together and sits up straight, “sorry—can I kiss you?”
Is that really what he wants? Does he know this could make us or break us? One move wrong and we fall apart. But, why do I want to say yes? I thank the lucky stars that it’s dark here, so he can’t completely see my face, I know I look as dumbfounded as I feel. I felt a rush of energy, I’m not sure what kind of energy it is yet.
“Yes,” I slyly give him my verbal consent and sit up.
“Holy shit, yes—really?” he slurred, almost as if he was drunk on this.
When I nodded to confirm his question, it didn’t take him long at all to slot our lips together confidently, like he has thought this over before. I wonder if he has. I’d like to find it in me to ask him some time, but for now now our mouths are busy pressing and massaging against each other over and over again.
It felt like a movie with fireworks, like that whole Hollywood blown-way-out-of-proportion magic. I think moments like this, that are like something out of a movie, only happens to you once in your lifetime and I don’t regret one bit spending mine on him.
Excuse my language, but shit got very real when he wrapped his other arm around me and deepened the kiss. It felt new and breathtaking. I’m pretty sure that he could make all my dreams come true overnight. Maybe that’s my head and the adrenaline running through my veins talking, but if this is already the dream, then I don’t want to wake up ever.
We slowly pull away, so slowly that it feels like for a moment we are one, and it takes a while for him to come back to reality and take his hand off of me. I want to tell him that it’s okay and that he can keep it there, but I’m not sure if I’m ready to talk just yet. My lips feel like they’ve been claimed for more important things, like they should never be used for any other purpose ever again than kissing him. He remained silent too and I wonder if he feels the same. I felt wildly flustered again as I thought about the possibility of me in his thoughts. I was even more flustered when I realised how much I want to do that again, but I’m not sure how much is too much. We’ve already crossed one line, so what’s another one?
He seemed to know it too and make it known that I was there, in every corner and place of his mind, when he looked into my eyes and whispered the only words that matters, “was that okay—did you like it? I liked it.”
“More than okay,” I reassured him, “I liked it so much that I’d like to do it again.”
Relief washed over his face and his eyes gained their usual whimsical twinkle back as he nods and cups the back of my neck and brings his mouth down to mine. It was even better than the first time, as he made me putty in his hands.
“What if it’s me?” he whispers against my lips.
I pull away and knit my brows, “what?”
He laughs freely, “sorry. You were just going on about that shit about the moon and I was here next to you thinking how much I care for you and I don’t think you know it. Like, I’m right fuckin’ here.”
I’m not sure if my concept of care is the same as his, if he thinks it like I think of it. But, I can’t complain when he’s here pouring his heart out to me after everything.
“I… don’t know what to say, other than I care about you too, a lot. I just didn’t expect to find it in you tonight.“
He quiets down, “it’s okay. We don’t need to talk about it right now. I just wanted you to know that if you can’t find whatever you’re looking for, it’s because you already have it, it’s me.”
And there he goes again, turning into a cocky little tease.
“Yeah, I’m done talking,” I pretend to roll my eyes.
Big mistake, because he plays along and doesn’t lose the smirk off his face, “are you, now? I’ll spare you talking, if you let me.”
“Okay?”
“Okay.”
And then, kind of to my surprise, he pulls me in for endless kisses. I don’t know what I expected, but it caught me off guard how brave he is all of a sudden with his words, his hands, his lips, all of it. But, I like it, the confidence.
In the end he grabs our glasses and the empty bottle and asked if we should go back up since it was getting chilly. I agreed, because it was and I was dressed fairly lightly, no matter how bad I wanted to stay here with him. Those were one of the few words we exchanged as we made our way back upstairs. We left the pool just like we had come, as friends and nothing more, I guess. On the outside we appear normal, you would never guess there is something wrong, but on the inside we both know we had taken some damage. Repairing that would cost us facing things and questions that we are not ready to see just yet. Only time will tell the answers, I think.
He opened the front door and we were immediately engulfed by the warm air. It was dark in the apartment, until he switched on the lights, creating a dim atmosphere for us. I don’t know what is happening next, am I supposed to just go home now?
“I have another question for you,” he told me in the kitchen, setting our glasses down, “you remember that piano I have? I wanna show you something.”
Oh God, how much more can I take for one night?
Nonetheless, I nodded, “yeah, sure, but you don’t have to impress me anymore.”
I think he has done enough tonight to show me how he feels. I do regret saying that when I see him grin at me over his shoulder, like he is back to his usual self again that lives for teasing me, “what, like you’re fuckin’ hopelessly in love with me already? This is it, like—you want my last name now or later?”
I try to act as unfazed by his comment as I possibly can as I follow him into his room and then there he is, anxiously messing with his piano, while I just stand and watch. He didn’t have me waiting for too long when he spoke again, “I can do better than the last time you heard me playing this bad boy.”
I played the memory of him singing to me on the phone back in my mind and laughed.
“Okay, if you insist,” I told him, leaning back against the wall, letting him do his thing.
“Yeah,” he agrees,��“I don’t know what this will make me sound like, but I learned something that I think you will like and appreciate. You will, right?”
“Sure. It sounds like you’re hopelessly in love.”
I should know he is always one step ahead of me and that I can’t win, because he grins again as his eyes shift back to me, “there is hope. You’re still here.”
What is he doing to me?
Instead of more words, he let the music speak for itself and started playing. It didn’t take me long to recognise the song; You Belong With Me. Now, this makes it feel like he’s playing along to whatever joke this is, but as I stand there and watch him, I notice how much more serious he sounds. Of course I don’t dare to look at his face, I’m scared I might see through him, see his heart and soul and subconscious thoughts, see something that will change my mind about us, that maybe he is wishing non-existing things into existence, like us. Maybe this means more to him that I think it does. When I think I have him figured out, I realise I don’t. But I can’t exactly figure out myself either right now.
One thing I think I know for sure right now is that I feel something for him that I haven’t before. It’s when I see him like this, like he’s in his element, like music is the language he has wanted to speak to me all along. This is a total new side of him I have not had the pleasure of seeing before. I wonder if I’m really this special to him that he would do this, do something that most people would consider even romantic.
And… it’s kind of even attractive how he plays.
“That was nice...”
“Yeah? Just ‘nice’?”
“You know what I mean,” I try to divert my gaze when I feel my face flush.
“Hm, tell me,” he rolls over to me in his chair and looks up at me. So many times I have seen those eyes, but now he stares at me so intensely I can almost see all the worlds and all the lives he has lived before. Maybe I knew him in another life and that’s why things are unfolding like they are right now, everything all at once.
“Fine! I think it was kind of… cute, and… I don’t know where all of that came from, but I think it made me think that maybe you were right. That you do things to me that no one else can.”
Wow, look at me being confident and speaking my mind. Never happens.
“‘Really now?” he smiles smugly, raising his eyebrows, ”fuckin’ finally. And you… you think I was cute too, huh? Just ‘cute?”
I sigh out loud, “fine. It was hot, okay?”
I think I went too far. I think that was too much. Maybe I have had too much to drink again. But no, I do know how I feel.
His smirk doesn’t falter, and it’s my time to yelp when he suddenly makes the move to pull me on his lap. This is a whole new sensation. And what happened then? We got greedy again with our mouths and hands and each other. Endless sweet touches and kisses, as I stay seated on his lap. It was innocent as we still got used to the feeling of feeling each other this close.
We soon wrap up the night and I decide it’s time for me to go home and I actually couldn’t wait to be alone with my thoughts. I have a lot to think over, or maybe I’ll just fall into daydreams about him and this night instead. Tonight’s moment are going to be the rest of my life’s memories, and I can revisit those memories whenever I want to. He walks me to the door, we don’t really talk about what happened or what will happen next, instead he just settles for pulling me into a hug. His grip on me, that’s tighter than ever before, tells me everything I need to know, that he doesn’t want this to end here.
All he asks me as I’m about to walk out is “will we do this again?”, holding onto my arm, not willing to let me slip away before I can answer his burning question, whatever he means by ‘this’.
I just grin, “maybe.”
I still want to play a little hard to get after all this time, see what his intensions are and if he will keep fighting for me and my time. Now, I don’t actually mean any harm by that and I definitely want this to happen again, I just still feel like I have to preserve some self-respect and not be an easy target. Then I walk off.
.
The following week brings that painful tension between us and all I can think about is if we made a mistake at the pool and if I’m his brand-new regret. I’m trying to keep that thought out of my head, but it’s hard, because when it comes to work and talking with him, there’s so much tension there that I’m just dreading the moment when the heat turns up and it all sets on fire. I don’t know what will be left of us once that happens.
It wasn’t until a few more weeks had passed until it really settled in my chest, this hollow feeling, when something unexpected happens: he starts giving me the silent treatment. Something I never expected him to do, and unfortunately, I’m think I’m partly to blame. The night at the pool made things weird. If I think hard enough back to that night, it almost feels like a movie how he made the first move and unveiled both of ours wants for each other, but it ends as soon as I open my eyes and face the reality where he flipped the script and fleed. He had made me feel like I was flying that night, now I’m flying and getting motion sick.
I try texting him;
“Is everything okay? I need to talk to you.” 9:35 PM
He doesn’t respond. I wonder if he’s sleeping soundly meanwhile I’m staying up all night.
Eventually I’m so tired I just fall asleep, my phone next to my head.
.
No text from him in the morning, or the morning after that.
I keep trying with a different approach;
“Pretty bored today, what are you up to? Unless you want me to get a head start and work on that stuff today already? Or unless you are up for some chatting :)?” 11:39 AM
To my surprise, he replies, but it’s not the side of him I was hoping would to come to the phone;
“No” 11:52 AM
If I’m not careful, I will get cut by the sharp edges of his tone even when there’s no reason for it. Maybe he doesn’t mean it like that, maybe he’s stressed and unintentionally took it out on me. I read the text again like a chant and wear it like a warning label. I didn’t know it would get to me like this, but I feel like I need to write it on me to warn people like him to watch their temper around me.
I text him one final thing before getting on with my day, even though I have a peculiar feeling he won’t reply;
“Okay. Let me know when you’re free to talk!” 11:55 AM
I was right, for the rest of the day and night, he’s silent.
.
If I thought one day of his silence was loud, nothing could have prepared me for Alex disappearing from my life for a whole week and then two. He had brought us back to life just to leave like a ghost halfway through the good part of our story. It doesn’t make sense. Reality hurts too bad right now, I wish I could leave like he did.
It was a text after another that I kept sending him, not even expecting a reply anymore but I still do it;
“Are you ok?” 7:52 PM
I wish I didn’t care so much, but I do. I thought we were getting along just fine, more than fine. That’s why it hurts.
.
My friend does keep me in check from that day on and blows up my phone with happy texts constantly, like they know somehow that I need a friend right now. Those are the only texts I seem to receive these days, so it was a real shocker when one day my phone buzzed with a text from Alex;
“Can we meet? Maybe by the park?” 1:15 PM
Oddly enough, I know the park he means. It’s the one next to where he lives that you can partly see from the living room window, the one I always walk past whenever I’m on my way to his. I think it’s the real oasis of this city, somewhere where the birds never stop singing and it’s always evergreen. I think that will change today. I’m never going to see that park in the same light again. I hope I’m wrong.
I throw on some clothes and then I’m out the door.
When I arrive at the park, he’s already there. Whatever it is that he wants to tell me, he must want to get it over with fast. When he looks like he doesn’t even want to look at me, I look at the sky and wish there’s an alternate universe somewhere up there where this is not happening, where everything is still okay.
I sit there next to him, nearly not as close as I used to would. The park looks ethereal as always, especially on a summer day like this it’s like a paradise, but you know what they say; even the sun sets in paradise.
He sits there next to me in heavy silence, before taking a deep breath and telling me with his head in his hands, “listen, this whole thing—I’ve had fun, but…”
I’m just waiting for him to say it, that this was all a mistake.
He finally continues, “I’m just thinking about shit and turning shit over in my head. I like what has happened so far, but there’s just no dating—or being with someone like you. It’s so much more complicated than that.”
He said the d-word. Fuck. He’s braver than me.
I don’t dare to interrupt when he keeps going, “I mean, you’re amazing, but it’s like—that’s the thing; you deserve someone that’s sure of what they want and don’t leave you hanging. For me, it’s like, I date or I don’t; I don’t do anything in between. And right now, I’m not sure what I want. You with me?”
He checks in with me and I just nod. I think I understand and I think I’m the same. Neither of us are cut out for casual dating, it has to be the real thing or nothing. And making the decision if we are ready for the real thing, I don’t know if we, or I, can make that decision right now after all. He also keeps dropping this d-word like it’s nothing. I guess this is the calm before the storm.
“And—yeah, there’s not just dating, or committing to someone like you. People like you are so deserving of things I’m not sure I can give you. Maybe that’s just my insecurities talking, but I mean this as wholeheartedly as I can and hope you remember it. You deserve someone who deserves you, as simple as that, and I don’t know if I do right now, or ever.”
Wow, he really dug to the bottom of his feelings and found some gold there, and even shared some of it with me.
I finally find my voice and some words to make sense of it all, “that’s—I’m very glad you told me that. I agree, there’s no telling who really deserves something the most, but I know you deserve good things too and I feel… very overwhelmed, but happy to know you see me as one of those. No matter what happens next, I think things have already changed between us, and maybe that means that the worst part is over, but I guess all we can do is keep going like before and see where we end up?”
He nods and croaks out, “yeah. That would be great. I need to get my own shit together first, like I don’t wanna be one of those fuckin’ people when I say this, but it’s not you. It’s me. I just want to be the best for you, but for now, I can only be your friend. Just like before.”
I’m glad we had this conversation after all, but still feel a little pang in my chest when we agree on staying like we were before, like there is no promise or guarantee we will ever make it as anything more. It’s better than nothing though. Now we just need time. Time for if nothing else, the sun setting in our paradise.
.
There’s nothing that time and sleep can’t fix. Just a few days ago when I had the talk with Alex, I felt almost explosive, like if someone would have said the wrong things or made me upset in any way, I would have just exploded and spilled my feelings all over the place. There was more for me to process that I was able to take, but now I feel fine. We had a mature conversation, and I have a clearer vision of his feelings now. No more second guessing or doubting, or getting mad over literally nothing.
Work feels fine again, because at least that awkward tension is mostly gone, but we don’t talk as freely as we used to. That’s what happens when you’re not careful and spill your cup of romance all over your work.
I still nevertheless happily tell my friend about it over coffee. I didn’t mean to talk about it right there, in broad daylight, in a crowded cafe, but I did.
“So,” I tell them, “we did make up—I mean, there was no bad blood to begin with. I was just being dramatic, like you told me.”
“Yeahhh, I told you! I knew it,” they rolled their eyes at me from across the table, “no need to get all fired up if someone just—what did he tell you? Why did he do it? He was just busy, or?”
“Yeah, pretty much. He was just... busy. Yeah,” I have never sounded more shady.
I know I still can’t blow my cover. This thing will be kept tightly under wraps until it feels right to discuss it with other people. I’m also that good of a person that I want his approval to share anything.
As I feared, my friend doubts me, “really? Is that really all? What are you not telling me?”
Digging a deeper hole for myself, I stutter, “yep! I just—I was really expecting there to be something, so I was just surprised that—you know, it wasn’t something I did. You know me, I’m paranoid like that, I don’t exactly like that about myself either.”
I was hoping this conversation would shift to something else, like my insecurities, literally anything else than this. A part of me feels bad for the lies I keep feeding them, but I know I’m doing this for the right reasons.
They squinted their eyes at me, “that’s weird, you’re being weird. I know you and I know you’re being weird like now. Since when we don’t tell each other everything?”
I don’t like how sad they sound all of a sudden.
“I am telling you everything, as always,” I try to comfort them, “it’s just weird for me to talk about him, because you know—he’s him. I just still feel weird about it that I get to know him like this.”
That seemed to ease their mind, as I witnessed a slight smile creep back into their face, “okay, okay, I believe you.”
.
As summer starts nearing its’ end, I feel like it’s also the end of other things too. Like the thing between me and Alex. We haven’t really hung out or even talked, and on top of that, I heard the news that it’s safe to travel again and that he’s going back home to Mexico for at least the rest of the summer, maybe even for longer. He didn’t tell me how long he will be gone for, but I know how his tone works and that there was something he didn’t tell me. Meanwhile I knew I will miss him terribly, but didn’t dare to tell him that either, considering the circumstances.
And so, he leaves in silence and I let him. I get to keep my job and talk to him about work matters, but anything other than that, nothing.
I miss him bad and fear that by the time he comes back there is going to be nothing left of us. He lives in a whole new world now, or that’s what it feels like. It feels like he is lightyears away.
.
“So, what do you want to do on Saturday?” my friend asks me as we pick out what to eat from the menu.
“Why?”
“Your birthday, dummy! You forgot your own birthday?”
“Of course I didn’t,” I scoff back.
They just sip their drink and devilishly smirk at me from behind the glass, “sure. Anyway, we could go shopping for some props, since we’re here at the mall. Do you know who’s coming yet?”
I scratch my head, “not really.”
Truthfully, there’s only one person I hope to see there, but it will not happen since he’s not here. I wonder what he is doing right now, wherever he is.
.
It’s the weekend, — and more importantly, it’s my birthday today— , but I’m just feeling blue. I’m throwing a party tonight and invited all of my friends that are in town, and in conclusion, they are coming over any minute now and I need to feel better ASAP before I become a buzzkill. I could lie and tell to myself that I don’t know the reason behind my heavy heart, but I know. Me and Alex haven’t really talked lately. I doubt he even knows it’s my birthday, or if he knows I wonder if he cares. It just sucks things have went south between us.
Soon my friends are walking in through the door one by one, holding small gifts or flowers and hugging me, wishing me a happy birthday. They don’t know that the best gift would be if Alex was here, as ungrateful as that sounds. The music is blasting through the speakers, but it’s not as loud as the thoughts in my head. This is going to be a long, miserable night if I don’t get it together.
We take a bunch pictures to post online and show everyone how much fun we are having. For me, it all feels like a facade. That’s how social media usually makes me feel, but now it feels like a whole cliché how I’m acting all happy, but inside I’m in shreds. If things were any different, would Alex be here right now? Possibly. That breaks my heart.
The night goes on and I keep discreetly checking the door and my phone every now and then. I still don’t seem to understand that he won’t be here. One day he maybe will, if I don’t overthink myself to death by then.
We poured more drinks and even set up a little party game section in the living room, moving the furniture for more space to move and dance around. The more fun we had, the more ungrateful I felt for wanting more from this night, because at least I have my real friends right here with me. How could I ever wish for more? Who else could I count on if not them? I might feel lonely without Alex, but I would be lost if it wasn’t for the people here. There’s a difference and that tells me everything I need to know.
I can definitely have fun tonight. I can stop holding out my hand for someone who has no intention of taking it if I want to.
I poured myself another drink and to make up for my lack of gratitude so far, I went to turn the music up and got cheers from everyone as response. I do miss him, but I know now it will pass.
.
It was fine until it got to the point of the night when I have had enough to drink to start to feel emotional or sentimental or both and cursing myself for it. A moment when I just want to text someone something risky, especially Alex. It’s a stupid idea, a bad idea even, and just not worth it for me to be so forward on the phone now and then later flinch at the silence he will give me in return.
I still do the bad thing. I go to the bathroom and before I step out again, I type a quick text to him,
“I wish you could be for my birthday tonight :( It’s fun, but would be more fun with you here. 10:55 PM
Now I feel stupid as I stand and watch the text being delivered to him, knowing it’s too late to undo the damage. Way to make him feel guilty for not being here and making a fool out of myself in the process too. I know I’m better than this and I don’t like the sides he’s seeing of me right now.
I exit the bathroom and my friends tell me we should move this party to a bar. I agree, I have neighbours after all and it’s now past 11 PM, meaning we have to quiet down. And so the music stops and tables are being cleared and the lights are being switched off as we leave, but the night is not over for us yet.
It’s a struggle for us to get a ride this late on a weekend, but we eventually manage to get a cab.
As we all finally squeeze in the car, I check my phone. My heart unpleasantly makes a drop to the pit of my stomach like I was on a roller coaster of life when I see a text from Alex;
“Happy Birthday” and a stupid meme attached to it that immediately makes me smile.
It’s just like the old times happening all over again, like someone rewinded the story of us, when we were able to joke around like this with each other. It feels nice to do it again. Maybe I can finally take my heart down from the shelf I had reserved for him and accept that there is just friendship after everything we’ve been through.
I was looking out the window, watching the city lights and busy streets pass us by, while listening to the song on the radio and my friends conversing about what they will order at the bar. Things might not be as good as they used to be with Alex, but at least he’s still somewhere out there for me.
I lock my phone and put it away in my bag for good. We will be okay again. Or that’s how I’m trying to distract myself from thinking too much, because I know deep down I miss him bad.
.
At the bar, it’s jolly. I’m bubbly like the bubbles in our drinks. There’s no reason to be sad anymore, as long as I remember to forget. We dance the night away, we take more pictures, and buy all the fancy drinks. I know it’s a one-way ticket to temporary happiness, but I’m planning on staying for as long as I can.
I get up to go and order another drink, and my friend comes along to tug at my clothes. I figure they are just too drunk to support themselves, until I notice their eyes wide as a deer’s in headlights and they shriek in my ear, “oh my God, I think I just saw him!”
“Who?” I cringe at their volume.
They stammer and wave their hands frustratedly, already having trouble expressing themselves due to being under the influence, “Alex!”
My heart sinks.
“He’s not here, he’s home! We’re literally not even in the same country right now,” I try to get them to calm down, before someone else intervenes. I understand that this isn’t a good look on us here, them all over the place, freaking out.
“You ordering?” the bartender asks, seemingly bored of waiting around.
I tell him to hold off a minute and instead escort my friend back to our table. What kind of a sick joke was that anyway?
“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry—it looked just like him!” my friend still slurs their apologies to me.
“Okay, I believe you. It’s okay,” I coo at them when they look at the verge of tears. What have I started? My brain being occupied with the endless trail of thoughts of Alex all night seems to be contagious. Are we all going crazy? Is this fun anymore?
I don’t know if I even believe them, though. I’m curious who it was, I could imagine it’s someone that does not look like Alex the slightest. You know, when you have had too much to drink, anything can look like anything. I admit, the thought of it makes me want to laugh. It’s kind of funny in the end.
“Hey!” someone storms up in front of me.
What now? Oh no, are we in trouble? Was that scene we made too much?
I look up and squint, just to be met with eyes I know I have looked into before. I almost jump out of my skin when they splay a hand across my back.
“I found you! I actually found you!” they giggle.
And that’s definitely the same laugh I have had the pleasure of hearing before.
Alex?!
I swear I almost fell forward from shock, “what? How… How?”
Alex places his arm on mine now and leans in to talk quietly to me, as if he doesn’t want me to miss a word, “what does it look like? Okay, I know it looks bad, but…”
I waited for him to say something and still look at him like he is a shooting star passing me by, which seems to amuse him.
“I flew back, to... see you, I guess? Yeah. I have to go back home tomorrow, or so, but then I’ll be back again, okay?”
None of this is actually making sense like it should. He came all the way here, just for a day, to attend my birthday party? He flew all those hours to see me and has to do it all over again tomorrow?
I’m here standing in place, his hand steadying me. It’s like the world has stopped for us, and it’s just waiting for me to make a choice, make a move, say a word, for things to start moving again.
I know he’s touching me, but I almost don’t feel it. I can see he’s desperately waiting and begging me with his doe eyes to do something, but I can’t quite acknowledge it. Did he make the right choice by showing up here? Just when I felt like I was content leaving things between us unfinished, to never write that chapter, he’s bringing everything back.
I know whatever I feel and whatever my choice will be is real, when tears pool in my eyes, that he seems to notice even in the dim lighting, because he starts to move his hand and rub my back again soothingly.
“W-what changed?” I finally ask him, when I got myself together. Except that I’m now crying, great.
He looks surprised that I want to have this talk right here, right now, but then tells me “I wanted to see you, and I want to see what life could be with you. You know, if we take the next step.”
In spite of everything, in this moment, I feel it in my soul and heart that I need him in my life, in any way it works out, but even better if it’s in a way we haven’t explored before. Or is it?
“Don’t overthink it,” he reassures me, as he can sense the distress I’m in, “let’s make the most out of these few days and see what happens.”
I nod, “that sounds... perfect.”
He laughs lightly, and pulls me finally in a tighter hug and sways us back and forth. I could spend the rest of my night here.
My friends are quiet behind us, trying to mind their own business’s, but of course they are curious too, looking at us and then looking away when I try to catch their eyes. I don’t even want to know how dramatic I look, with tears rolling down my chin, pouting my lips.
I guess I have to introduce Alex to them now, kind of. I’m sure they already know him.
He stands there right by my side as my friends pipe up their “hi”, making sure to say hello to everyone back.
I can’t help myself, but only look at him with stars in my eyes. How charming he is towards everyone, not losing that smile on his pretty face even for one second and raising his eyebrows in surprise every time he tries to memorize a new name. It’s kind of an… attractive look. I should stop.
None of my friends still have no idea that there is something going on between us. To them, we are just friends, good friends. But just between me and Alex, we both know now there is something more brewing.
I’ll tell them in my own time. Nothing gets out, until I’m ready for them to know. And this bar doesn’t seem like the ideal place to drop such scoop. I’m sure we all want to be sober for that conversation, too.
“Sorry, I have to go and lock my car doors. I got out in a rush when I was looking for you and feel like I’m getting robbed right fuckin’ now as we speak,” he whispers to me and laughs.
I smile at him, until my smile falls, “your car? I mean, yeah, of course, but how did you even find me? How did you knew I was here? How did you knew to drive here, out of all places?”
He just mysteriously grins from ear to ear, “so many questions, but how could I not know? That’s all you’ve been posting and I can still see your Snapchat location, you know? I knew it would come in handy one day.”
It dawns on me, “oh, right.”
I never even thought of that possibility. He’s a hundred steps ahead of me in thinking. Props to him.
I let him go and as he disappears for a minute, it’s already enough time for me to start missing him. I lived all this time without him, and now even a second is too long without him. Love is impatient. I want him only to myself. Love is selfish. I’m talking about love like it’s been here the whole time. Love is blind.
I want to cry again. I’m not sure if they are happy tears this time. I’m happy, because he’s here, but it also fills me with a heavy feeling, because I can’t exactly celebrate and smother him with love here in public like I want to. I need to be careful of every word and action with him in front of my friends. Hearts aren’t meant for cages and chains, and that’s what mine feels like right now, locked up and tortured. Misused. Might as well not have one.
No one at the table says anything. I guess they are either still drunk and ready to go home, or just flabbergasted. I’m both. Mostly the latter. I feel almost completely sobered up.
Before I can hold myself back, I tear up again. I’ll just blame this on the drinks, or him, or me, or my friends. All of it is overwhelming.
My said friends immediately gather around me to comfort me and in chorus ask me what’s wrong. I almost want to say everything is wrong, but that’s not true.
“Are you just going to make yourself cry more and not tell us what’s happening?” they push me to talk and huddle around. It makes me crack.
I choke out and sniffle, speaking no matter how much my voice breaks, “he’s just so great, you guys, like… you see him now and he’s so kind and amazing, right? But once you actually get to know him like I do, he’s incredible.”
I can’t pick my head up anymore from where it’s buried in my hands, but I can tell by the loud silence that there’s confusion in the air, until my friend snaps back to reality and is the first to ask me what I’m sure everyone else is thinking, “but… this is a good thing, right? Happy tears?”
Others agree to the question, waiting to hear the confirmation of their conclusions from me. Safe to say, they are surprised at my outburst, but still supportive.
I hiccup, “I guess...”
Now I just feel like leaving it at that, if they can’t figure it out themselves that I’m not happy with the way things are. I don’t want to talk about it anymore. I got some of it off my chest and that’s it. No more spoilers.
“You’ve cried a lot tonight, on your birthday too! Are you sure you’re okay?” another friend asks.
I settle for silence and silent weeping for a little longer, until I croak out, “I feel like I have never felt like this about anything, or anyone, before like I feel about him. There’s so much emotion, as you can tell. And I—we—there are some feelings involved, has been for a while now. I like him, he likes me. He wants to try to—I don’t know—see if we could be more than friends. That’s why he came here tonight.”
Shit. Before I can stop myself, I have spilled the secret. This is bad. I can still feel my cheeks burning under the stream of tears and I don’t see an end to it. I have to get it together though, before Alex gets back. Which should be any second now, by the way.
I don’t even know if he’s okay with this information being out. I don’t even know if that’s true. What if it doesn’t work out in the end and he leaves the country again as just a friend?
I try to wipe my eyes before he comes back.
“It’s okay! I mean, wow, I never saw this coming, and judging by your reaction, you didn’t either, but sometimes it just happens like that, when you least expect it,” my friends are immediately there for me.
“I’m sorry I kept this from you, it’s just really scary for me that you guys know now. And it’s a big deal.”
When Alex finally, or at a perfect time, comes back when I look decent again, everyone fortunately acts the same as before. I don’t think he even notices that I’ve been shedding tears again. In any other situation I’d feel hurt, but now it’s for the better. At least I don’t think he notices, when he smiles at me and makes the move to put his arm around me to be cute, but holds himself back and instead asks me if I’m okay.
We stay for one more round of drinks and I comprehend that he hasn’t wished me a happy birthday yet. Maybe there’s a time and place for that later.
When the night actually comes to an end and everyone has an assigned ride home, Alex gets close to me again and asks me, “so, uh—do you want me to drop you off at home?”
“Yeah. I’d like that.”
He gentlemanly opens the car door for me and waits for me to climb in, until getting in from his side. Before he even considers driving off, he looks at me and daringly caresses my cheek with his soft fingertips, “hey. Happy birthday. I didn’t tell you yet and—”
He checks the time.
“—it’s past midnight, but fuck it. It’s still your birthday, don’t listen to the clock.”
We laugh in the dark car and I give him my most sincere thank you.
“So, about your present…”
I examine his face, and how it turns smug, and tell him, “a present? I think you coming here was enough. What could be better than that?”
I’m surprised when he still doesn’t start the car, but pulls his hand back a little bit just to use his thumb to swipe it slowly across my lower lip and murmurs, “no, no, nothing like that. There’s really only one more thing that I could give you.”
“What is it?”
Alex tilts my chin up, his eyes not leaving my lips, “I think you know. Do you trust me?”
Oh… I think I do know what he means.
I gulp as he gets closer, “I do.”
This is not the first time we kiss, but it’s the first time we do it when we know the feeling is mutual and this could become a recurring thing. As our lips mash and do their thing together, his warm fingertips slips under my the hem of my shirt just a little, to test the waters. I let him twiddle with the material and claim every inch of my skin.
“What time will I see you tomorrow?” I mumble drunkenly against his greedy lips. Not on the drinks at the bar, but drunk on love, or whatever it is. It’s more than lust what we feel.
He retreats himself and the moment is gone, “what makes you think we’ll see each other again?”
I look at him confused.
He fiddles with my hands that he has draped over his lap and continues, “what if we never say goodbye tonight? If… you want to stay the night at mine?”
What’s the worst that could happen, why not? Now that things between us are finally moving, I don’t want them to stop.
I agree and his delicious, cherry-red lips curl into a smile, while an awed look swims in his pupils. He looks as gone as I feel.
He finally reaches out to turn the engine key and the car purrs to life. I lean my head against the window and watch the sleeping city pass by. The empty streets void of people while we cruise is like a vision of a dream, like it’s just us two in the world tonight. Speaking of, in what world did today happen? This doesn’t feel like the same world I used to struggle in, living feels and comes as easy as breathing now with him.
We drive and drive, until the scenario changes to something I recognize. We must be close to his apartment. From here I can see the park bench where we had that talk a while ago, when we agreed on staying as friends and he kind of broke my heart for the first time when he told me he needed time, and there was no certainty of anything. The place sparks up unpleasant memories in me.
He seems to notice it too and taunts me, “you want to sit there? Reminisce with me a little bit?”
“If you do that I’ll break up with you!” slips out of my mouth. My big, stupid mouth. Can’t take my big, stupid mouth anywhere these days. Never in a million years I should have said that.
���I mean… I don’t know what I mean,” I finally admit when he’s fallen silent. I really don’t know. We never said the D-word, dating, again since that day at the park, ironically. Not until now. We haven’t even established that, there’s no label on us that says we are exclusive. That’s a talk for another day.
Alex finally opens his mouth and laughs, “I think you do. I know what that meant. You will break up with me.”
As he recalls those words back to me, I cringe so hard at myself.
“No, seriously. I didn’t mean it like that,” I try to save face. Just when we agreed to take these few days slow, I go and announce it to him that in my head we are a couple. Leave it to me to mess up this bad.
“I mean,” he seems to be enjoying putting me on the spot like this, “I don’t know how many ways there are to break up with someone.”
I sink into the seat, trying to be hide in plain sight. I hope he would let it go, but I know he won’t. Especially when he lays his hand on my thigh while driving with the other. Now we must look like a couple. A couple of pining people, if nothing else.
“Now you want to get shy?” he asks, “would you still feel as shy if I said I kind of don’t want to wait anymore either?”
“With what?”
He doesn’t even hesitate to speak and also doesn’t let go of me, but still holds my thigh in place, “fuck it, let’s make it official. I mean, correct me if I’m wrong, but you want me as much as I want you. I want you in a way that allows us to be together. So, what do you say?“
My face gets hot. It’s what he does to me when he’s this blunt.
“I would love that,” I let out a breath I didn’t realize I was holding in. I have a feeling these four words will be the most important ones I will ever say.
He smirks, “great! Uh—I would love to make this more romantic and shit, but…”
“You did this, technically, on my birthday, so I think it’s pretty romantic and great already. And I think it’s kind of us to just be spontaneous. It was perfect.”
He parks the car, “with the way you’re throwing all this praise my way, are you sure you can wait until we’re out of the car before you jump my bones?”
I try to duck my head down to hide my face, but he leans in and presses a single, seductive peck on the side of my jaw, before winking at me and exiting the car, before hurrying to my side to open the door for me. I am definitely falling.
.
“So, that’s how we got here,” I tell his friends in the kitchen, the luminous afternoon glow radiating through the window, illuminating our faces. Ever since the night when we—in his words, made it official—things have gone great. He had to leave the day after, but then eventually came back home from Mexico and told me he’s here to stay. So, life is sweet. It’s all like a dream, but the only difference is that I’m awake.
What it comes to his friends: Karl, Punz and Foolish especially, the night I blacked out wasn’t thankfully the first and the last time I saw them. I had another chance of redeeming myself. We’ve hung out as a group a few times, like we are currently doing, and they are dying to know how exactly did we end up here.
And, I am glad to tell them. Over and over again, as many times as they want to listen.
I get up to walk to the fridge to fetch a drink, and notice Alex standing in the kitchen, preparing me a snack I didn’t ask for, but know I need. He’s sweet like that, making sure I eat and offers to make me something whenever he can tell I don’t have the energy to make it myself. It’s scary, how well he knows me already, but I can say the same about him. I think that’s how you know you have found your person.
Alex purposely gently nudges and bumps me, just as I walk past him, “oh! Woah! Is this like our love story? Like in the old days?”
It takes me back to when we used to do that.
He seemed to be finished with the dishes and stepped to his right where I was, and our bodies had another collision, I think this being the worst one yet. Like we’re used to it already and know the route out of the awkwardness, we just laugh it off. I don’t understand what the universe is trying to tell me to do right now, because it seems like every move I decide for myself to make is wrong.
I understand now that the wait is over why it had to happen. It was painfully awkward to even look at him afterwards, but I would do it all over again if it meant that we would still have our happy ending.
“Oh, shut up!” I scold him through my smile and in return, push him back with my hand.
He grabs the hand I’m holding out and pulls my whole body against his instead and tells me he will never stop, pulling me into a kiss to seal the deal. He belongs with me, and there's never a day when he doesn't make me feel the same.
THE END.
#mcyt x reader#quackity x reader#quackity fluff#quackity imagines#reader x quackity#dream smp x reader#mcyt x you#mcyt fanfiction
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the dream smp journey: attempting to make the lore of the dream smp more accessible.
so back when i first wanted to get into the dream smp i had absolutely no idea where to start. i asked some people and they told me pretty much “look up dream smp + [insert youtuber name] and start there” and so i did, but i quickly came to realize how much i was missing from the story by not seeing all the different points of view.
so i decided to make my own playlist.
it was just for myself at first, but as i got more obsessed with the story, i also gave the link to some friends of mine so they could have the full experience, and they loved it. so i kept updating it.
my goal was to try and make a capsule of the entirety of the lore on the dream smp across almost every single POV, because while i do appreciate those who make recap videos, they always miss something and it’s usually with peoples’ POV who aren’t considered to be “main characters” which sucks because one of my favorite things about the dream smp was how everyone was their own main character with their own individual storyline you could get invested in.
i’ve seen every single video in the playlist, and did my absolute best to discern what should be included and what didn’t need to be.
for instance, while i personally enjoyed streams where they’d just goof off, this is a lore-centric playist so i didn’t include all of them unless one of the jokes or such gets mentioned/becomes important later on. or if there is a lore event happening but two people have almost identical streams to one another then i decided between the two of them which one to keep. or if the cc themself made an edited version of their experience, i would decide whether to go with that or keep the original vod
it’s far from perfect. i tried to keep up with it as long as i could I STILL HAVE VIDEOS IN MY WATCH LATER THAT I PLANNED TO ADD but simply put while the dream smp storyline got longer and longer it became harder to keep up with. i watched pretty much all the streams when they happened but failed to update the playlist accordingly so right now it has almost everything up until ”Hitting on 16.”
i always wanted to finish it before i posted it, but i’ve been seeing people talk about how they miss the experience of watching the dream smp and while i obviously can’t provide the full interactive experience that the dream smp offered as it came out, i knew i couldn’t just keep this in my back pocket and thought i could at least offer a good chunk of the experience for you guys to still be able to keep!
here’s the playlist, spanning over 300 videos.
there’s also a semi-canon playlist (not nearly as thorough) for events that get mentioned by the cc’s a lot or are just cool to have and i wanted to include them somewhere so here it is also!!
to go along with it i also made a masterpost (can you tell i love making lists) which is what every single video on the playlist is supposed to be (and was last i checked, but videos get taken down every so often so there might be a couple missing here and there).
i hope to update this one day and have it fully finished, but with my schedule (full-time college student babyyyy) and simply the hundreds of hours of content i’d need to sift through it just seems impossible (and frankly just really intimidating) to challenge alone right now. so i also wanted to give this to the community to maybe be able to do what i couldn’t!
my hope with this is that if someone in a year or two (or whenever really) is interested in the dream smp they won’t have to sit through recap videos and instead can watch the real thing in a single playlist connected to the doc. my dream is for the masterpost and the playlist to go hand-in-hand, being like a guide people can follow that would also link to other moments and lore that is saved but just not avaliable on youtube, so we don’t have all these moments just lost to time.
i want to make this collaborative, i’m hoping this will maybe spark others to share what videos/moments they have saved and stored with each other for the dream smp and maybe together we could complete this thing somehow!! make the playlist and masterpost i dreamed of (the one right now is scuffed, but at least it’s something). the dream smp is one of my absolute favorite pieces of media out there and i want to share this with people but (as you can probably tell) i have no idea what i’m doing!! any step to help make the story more readily accessible is a good one, though!
i know i’ve missed things but i’ve done my best. and while not the perfectly polished thing i hoped it would be when i sent it out to the world maybe it could be a good building block for the community to use. so please share this!! reblog it!! all that jazz!! i want this to be for everyone!!
anyways, this is a long post. but the whole reason i got into the dream smp in the first place was because of the awesome fan content i saw and this crazy and creative community and i want to be able to give back, if i can.
#dream smp#the dream smp journey#dream smp lore#mcyt#tommyinnit#jack manifold#c!tommy#c!jack#(sorry jack and tommy gotta use you to cross-tag)#(is it even crosstagging if they're IN the playlist?.... lot to think about)#i really wanted to add more to this#my goal was to catch up on all the videos and then go back and transcribe each one (or link pre-existing transcriptions)#and then add content warnings if need be#i had this idea too where say you just finished up the nov.16th lore after that it would be cool to link you to sad-ist's animation!!#just things like that! i had a lot of things i was thinking about#anyways thanks for reading my c!jack analysis posts throughout all this time now you may have my massive lore bank i've been holding onto#cheers!!!#rambling rocks#like.. holy shit#will this even turn into anything? i don't know. i hope so#i want to come back to this and give it the TLC it deserves#but until i find the time + motivation for that i didn't want to keep it just to myself#i just hope this is a good step towards making the dream smp story more accessible to people#pebble post
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f1 lestappen database nini edition
notes: number 1) this can get outdated super easily… number 2) i also dont know how to link content as i dont use tumblr alot but upon request im remaking my twitter thread here number 3) im not putting the races in chronological order as im quite lazy
at the 2019 japanese gp, max and charles hit eachother into turn two.
max after the race on the crash:
“i just dont get it. there was no need to risk so much in turn two. cause at the end of the day, both of us had to pit.”
2019 austrian gp, 3 laps left into the race max overtook charles and won the grandprix.
charles at the postrace pressconference:
“as i said, ive done exactly the same thing from the first and the second lap so i didnt expect any contact on the second lap. as max said, i think he braked a little bit deeper. i dont know if he lost it or not but then there was the contact. i felt like i was quite strong in traction. on the first attempt i managed to have better traction and have my position. on the second one i couldnt do that cause i was off track.”
2019 silverstone gp, the race right after austria. max and charles closely battled for 10 laps straight
charles during the postrace press conference:
“the best move was probably the one on max, on the outside in copse, i think he just passed me and i passed him back around the outside of copse. i think that was definitely was one of the most exciting (moves) of the race… of my race!”
2020 sakhir gp, charles crashed into checo, forcing max to go wide and then also crash
max post race:
“i respect charles alot, hes a great driver but i think today was a bit too much. he asked me “what happened?” and i say “what do you mean “what happened” you crashed into sergio and i have to go around”. i think he will look back at the footage and i hope he will understand that that was maybe a bit too aggressive. which is a shame.”
charles on the beyond the grid podcast 2021, talking about his rivalry with max:
“its the same (their rivalry) at the moment its obviously a little bit deminished because i can not fight against him, unfortunately. but if you look at the fight in silverstone 2019, i think you can understand theres quite a bit of competition and its always been the case. i mean its nice; we have grown up together in karting weve been always fighting eachother and now we find ourselves again in formula 1. so its great and i cant wait to put the team back were it deserves to be and fight against max for the title.”
monaco gp 2021, during Q3 charles crashes which means max cant set a laptime
max postrace interview:
“he just clipped the wall initially and ended up where ive ended up twice [laughs] so its just unfortunate. ofcourse i am disappointed not to have a shot at pole but thats life, you know. sometimes you cant do it. i mean its fine, i dont think his lap should be deleted in the future if they want to make rule changes. i dont that would be fair.”
charles instagram post after the 2021 silverstone gp yes i am counting it too:
max saying he prefers his rivalry with charles over the one he has with lewis, 2022
max to sky italy:
"i prefer what we have now because, first of all, charles i know very well, hes a nice guy, we are a similar age… on saturday night, we even had a laugh in paul ricard... we are hard competitors on the track and we will always try to beat each other, which i think is very normal, but outside of it you can have a good time as well, and thats what i really enjoy about this year."
max debunking that charles never forgave him for austria 2019 and racing together with him, 2022
max in a video interview:
"i never speak about these things with other drivers, i mean, it happens. ive lost wins as well, and its not the end of the world, you move on. i think charles is one of the most talented drivers in formula 1, and he will win many more races… i would say back in the day it was a little bit more difficult, but also we were very young and growing up and you are fighting for the same goal, right? now that youre in formula 1, i think it is really different. you are representing really big brands. so we get on very well now. we can have a good chat and enjoy our battles, and i think thats very nice. knowing each other for such a long time helps. weve spent so much time together, in a way."
2022 hungarian gp, max told the hungarian press he understands charles his frustration after the 2022 french gp
max to the hungarian press:
“everyone handles that (their disappointment) in a different way. some people need to reflect on it like that. at the time youre still a bit emotional from what just happened and maybe become a bit too emotional, but thats fine, people should be emotional, they should show their emotions."
charles on fighting with italian site corriere della sera, 2022 this is not an official translation sorry but i can link the source
charles:
“i like to deal with max, we have a similar level of aggression. we have fun, with respect. im not saying that last year there was no respect between max and lewis, but it seemed like a different duel than ours. but if we were to get to the end of the championship very close in points, the situation would be much more tense than it is now.”
max, also for corriere della sera in 2022
max:
“i have known charles since we were five years old, we are of the same generation and we grew up challenging ourselves on the track.”
max to viaplay, 2023 after charles crashed during Q3 of the miami gp, meaning he couldnt set a time and had to start from P8 (this is a livetranslation of mine post qualifying, so the quote isnt 100% spot on but you get the gist)
max:
“the red flag was annoying, but it happens on streetcircuits. it just sucks, i will have to cope and move on.”
monaco gp, charles had an interview with canal+ for its 10 year anniversary with formula 1. he got asked to name 10 drivers hes the closest with
charles:
“pierre without a doubt, carlos, lando, george, alex albon, yuki, lewis, max aswell eventhough most people dont think its the case but it is! esteban, and lance.”
this is it for now, i am a bit tired but thank the tumblr lords you can change posts later on so i can update it with ease later on. enjoys besties 🫡
#f1#formula 1#max verstappen#verstappen#scuderiafemboy#charles leclerc#leclerc#lestappen#1633#ferrari#redbull racing#making this drained the life out of me#im so tired#but this is for the people who wanted it#live laugh love lestappen#oh right happy pride month besties
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GOOD EVENING. STARBREAKER!! this is so silly because I can't stop thinking about jace influencer au, but I did just get hit with a Vision of, like, a world where that AU is true but also the Plan is still happening. so as he gets pulled more into it (knowingly or unknowingly) jace's online presence/instagram/youtube channels or w/e slowwwwwly starts to devolve from poppy pretty sponsored idealized glamorized aestheticized content into a straight-up found-footage horror story.
CHRISTTTTTT.
like okay bear with me. a shift away from regular influencer au. jace is one of those teacher influencers. his normal content is like, stuff like this. it's fairly harmless, kind of corny, mildly funny. and as he gets a bigger following he starts doing more intimate/personal content. outfit of the day/day in the life, weekend vlogs (shopping spree in bastion city! massive spell component haul!), and crucially. talking about his relationship! his partner is his coworker, they met at work! they teach a party cohesion elective together and they co-advise the wild magic barbarians! it's sooooo cute, right?
and then porter starts appearing on camera and at first it seems super sweet, he's very gruff and not very camera-trained but he seems to really care for jace. but something like... changes. sometime in between jace's annual traditions of "halloween crafts week/decorate my classroom with me" videos and his "moonar yulenear break daily vlogs" people notice that like. jace seems a little more tired. more brittle. like he's always been performing but now it seems like every single smile is forced and fake.
sometime in the summer jace does a video addressing the comments and passes it off as burnout, he's had a difficult year because of the whole kalvaxus situation on top of some... personal issues. and his audience is like oh okay that explains it. but the tone keeps getting darker. jace posts fewer and fewer videos, his schedule goes from 3-4x weekly uploads to maybe one video every couple of weeks. slowly goes silent on all his other accounts. when he does make a video it's almost always with porter, and the way porter always has his arm around jace seems less "proud boyfriend" and more "possessive creep that's trying to keep jace from saying the wrong thing and exposing... something"
there's a conspiracy that it's all an ARG because of a bunch of "clues" in the background of jace's videos - including a jar of devil's honey on a kitchen counter that when pointed out leads to jace deleting the video entirely. this only adds fuel to the fire because what could he be hiding??
jace starts slipping up sometimes, letting on that porter's maybe. making him do something that he doesnt want to be doing. this is interspersed with strange, quasi-religious, creepy shit from porter during their vlogs. these are quickly deleted/edited out. but his audience is Concerned.
at some point. jace posts one last video called "Goodbye!" and it's a farewell to content creation as a whole for him. it's recorded in his classroom, porter's absent, jace seems almost like his old self again, he's smiling, and the sky behind him is bright red. if you look closely there are wisps of smoke visible. the tone and words are so fucking off, he's talking about seeing everyone in the "next life, a better life" if "everything goes as expected"
cue ragenarok, and cue reports that "aguefort sorcery teacher and influencer jace stardiamond was linked to a plot to create a new god of war"
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Not me who made a Hadir Karim playlist because I couldn't find any and had to put matters into my own hands..
Playlist link for those who actually want to listen here
Not like it's a very long one or one that might be very connected to Hadir, just songs that make me think of him every time they start playing.
Here are the songs that are on the playlist:
1. waiting Room (Phoebe Bridgers)
“Know it’s for the better” He stole the gas and used it because he wanted Urzikstan to be free. And “Plus, I know whatever happened to me, I know it’s for the better” because let’s be honest he probably knew he was going to die at some point, and he knew that it most likely wasn’t going to be from natural causes, not with the war he grew up in.
2. Fool (Bôa)
“You and I, born as fools now.” I don’t know what it is about this line, but it hits and it makes me think of Hadir. Maybe because he used the gas, making Farah despise him. “You and I think, think we rule now” this mf became Commander at some point, which just ENRAGES Farah, no?
3. O Superman (Laurie Anderson)
Well, does this song need any explaining? I found this song on a Farah playlist (made by one of my favourite Tumblr accounts, hence me making a post about the Hadir playlist). So if this song makes me think of Farah, it immediately makes me think of Hadir.
4. Love and War (Fluerie)
Love and War, says it in the title, no? Plus, “the truth begins to show”? Him using the stolen gas to save Farah and Alex, but only killing the Russian army and some ULF soldiers (if I remember correctly). And don’t even get me started on “lover, hunter, friend and enemy, you will always be every one of these.” UGHHH it's such a good line and I think that it represents Hadir very well, maybe alongside Farah too.
5. In the house - In a Heartbeat (John Murphy)
Do I really need a reason for this song? It's so good and it makes me think of numerous edit ideas (despite the fact that I give up on editing the minute I open Capcut), just the vibe and sound reminds me of Hadir, makes me think of his whole character development, his story, ect:
6.Forest (Twenty One Pilots)
"The situation's becoming dire" The line makes me think of the moment when Hadir calls Alex to help him get the gas, making it be used and everything kicking off and him becoming the enemy. "And for some reason I smell gas on my hands" well, this needs no explanation. "This is not what I had planned" Although I think that Hadir knew that Farah would have gone against him the moment he decided to use the gas, I feel like he wouldn't expect her to basically turn on him so much that it seemed like she didn't love him anymore.
7.Army Dreamers (Kate Bush)
I think everyone can see why I put this song on here, not only because it is such an amazing song, but also because Hadir is obviously a solider. Also, I know the song's meaning is about a mother grieving her son dying because of war. HOWEVER, the song does heavily remind me of PTSD that soldiers suffer from (more so from the music video where all their eyes are wide, which kinda is like Shell Shock/PTSD), and I'm 100% certain that Hadir, like any other character is CoD, would suffer from some type of mental illness, or nightmares, or grief/guilt from being soldiers.
8. I know it's over (The Smiths)
The repeat phrase of 'Oh mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head" just makes me think of how he died and, in my head, I have an image of him just dead and, well, we know his and Farah's parents are dead. I don't know how to explain it exactly, been staring at this paragraph trying to figure out what the hell I'm trying to say. But it just makes me think a lot of him and his mother, because I seriously get vibes from him that he was a mama's boy before she passed.
9. Advice (Alex G)
"The world is full of fishes, but I trust you" really makes me think of him and Farah, because the two of them would have had to relied on each other at a young age after their parents died and when they were building up ULF and during their time in prison. They would have had a lot of trust in one another, which makes sense with the amount of pure betrayal and rage we hear in Farah's voice when she finds out Hadir stole the gas and then used it. The two of them would have had such an almost unbreakable relationship, not only because they are siblings, they trusted one another and they went through so much, they would have HAD to have trusted each other.
10. Poison Tree (Grouper)
This song alone has so much emotion to it, it ALTERS my brain chemistry. I love this song, so it just meant I had to link it to one of my favourite characters. Which, therefore, means it has a place on the playlist.
11. The Hand that feeds (The Crane Wives)
This song screams Farah, but I feel like it could apply to both Hadir and Farah. Afterall, the both of them are doing a tiring job that is going to both mentally and physically drain them. It's dangerous and they know it. "My papa taught me how to growl, how to bear my teeth and growl", although in the scene where we see of kid Farah and Hadir, their father turns to Hadir and says to 'stay strong for Farah', this is probably one of the many reasons why he does so much for her, even if makes her fucking despise Hadir for what he's done.
12. I wait for you (Alex_g_offline)
"I wait for you" I don't know what is it about the repeated line that makes me think so much about Hadir, about his whole character, but for some reason it really does.
13. If we have each other (Alec Benjamin
The song that makes me, really, think of any two characters that are related. "So I'm thankful for my sister, even though sometimes we fight" the line is more so towards the usual sibling type fights that happens throughout with growing up with siblings, which would easily be able to apply to the two of them. However, it also makes me think about the fact that Hadir still loves Farah and calls her sister, even when she hates him. When he was dying, he even said to her that he still loves her even though she hates him now (something along those lines)
14.Where'd all the time go? (Dr. Dog)
"There ain't no way to sweep up the mess that we've made" I know it says 'we' but I think that Hadir regrets what he did, even if he believes that it helps winning against the Russian army, I don't think he likes that fact that Farah hates him over it and he knows that he can't do anything to fix that, to 'sweep up the mess'. There's no fixing that, there was no fixing that broken trust between them after that.
#for my Hadir lovers#hadir call of duty#hadir cod#hadir karim#hadir mw1#hadir karim modern warfare#hadir modern warfare#farah cod#farah karim#call of duty mw3#call of duty#cod#character playlist#cod playlist#cod mw3#cod modern warfare#cod mw2#cod mwii#modern warfare#call of duty modern warfare
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03/19/2024 Daily OFMD Recap
TLDR; Rhys Darby; Cryptid Factor; World Exclusive; Rosie; Kristian; Vico; SaveOFMDCrew billboard results; Watch Parties; Newark Newark; Wrecked; Adopt Our Crew Rhys Radness; Fan Spotlight; Podcasts; Radio; Cast Cards; Trends; Articles; Uproar; Love Notes + 1; Daily Darby Tonight's Taika
= Rhys Darby =
Cryptid factor - World Exclusive
So Rhys, Dan, and Buttons revealed never before seen footage by Tchie Kellys from back in 2018 of the Lochness Cryptid!
You can see footage on their Patreon (the full 2hr+ episode)
Edited version of the podcast on Spotify
Short version on Youtube
And of course Rosie's gotta pop in with some snark, I love that woman.
= Kristian Nairn =
Episode 065 of Kristian's music show Spektrum is up on Mixcloud! Mixcloud Link
= Vico Ortiz =
Lots of footage of Vico posted today! I couldnt get the videos to download for some reason-- find them here on their instagram.
Source: Vico Ortiz Instagram
== Stretch Goal Billboard Survey Results ==
The Final Stretch Goal Survey is in...
Hey, crew! The results from the survey on the final stage of our London Ads campaign are in. 🗳️ Almost 94% voted to split the remaining funds between the three billboard fundraiser charities: Mermaids UK, RainbowYOUTH (AoNZ), and Point Foundation (US). 🧜♂️🌈
Read the rest here
== Watch Parties ==
= Newark, Newark =
When: Saturday 23rd March @ 7 pm GMT / 3pm EST / 12 pm PST Where: BBC iPlayer, Now TV
Hosted by @lamentus1
Extra Note: The Rhys Darby Faction Discord will be streaming it as well at 5pm GMT / 1 pm EST / 12 pm PST
Watch Party Hashtags:
#NewarkThePlank
#OurFlagMeansDeath
== Wrecked ==
Season 3 watch from March 18th to March 22nd.
Times will be 10pm GMT / 5pm EST / 4pm CST / 2pm PST. Watch two episodes per day. Episodes are 21-22 minutes each. Use the following Saturday for the tags/watch if interested but not able to make this time.
Hashtags:
#WreckedPirates
#SaveOFMD
#RhysDarbyFaction
== Adopt Our Crew Rhys Radness ==
Another day of the Rhys Radness brackets by @adoptourcrew on twitter! Some tough decisions to be made.
Yesterday Jemaine decided to share the Steve vs Murray vote! Sorry Jemaine! Steve won out.
Today Luke Higginson (Writer, Director, and Editor of 'Relax I'm From The Future' ) also tried to campaign for Casper!!
Then even @bluefox_enterainment (the distributor of Relax I'm From The Future and Uproar!) also campaigned for Casper! We'll see what happens tonight!
== Fan Spotlight ==
Never Left - Podcast
Another episode of Never Left - an Our Flag Means Death Podcast is out! -- featuring one of our lovely #RhysDarbyFaction members, @TazManiaZania! Part 2 to Beautiful Princess Disorder.
Our Flag Means Fanfiction - Podcast
Our lovely friends over at @OurFlagMeansFanficion have another episode out! 'For this week’s episode, LoopyDangerFrog, also known as Katie, has granted us permission to share her narration of The Thoroughly and Entirely (Im)Proper Cuddling of Edward Teach by queenbee42. Katie’s narration is just SO GOOD. The emotion. The feeling… This is why she’s one of the best narrators out there.' - @OurFlagMeansFanfiction
= Amanda Beezer =
Tomorrow, our crewmate Amanda (Beezer Bee) will be chatting about #OurFlagMeansDeath on a local radio station 88.9 FM WMCX (March 20) at 2:30pm EST/6pm GMT! Check out Her Twitter for more info! You can listen here: https://www.radio.net/s/wmcx
= Cast Cards =
Our crewmate @melvisik is really hitting all the cast members! Today is Tim Heidecker aka Doug!
== Trends ==
Thank you @indarltonitrust on twitter for catching this!
== Articles ==
Really wonderful article that actually talks a bit about being on set with OFMD. Please give it a read!
= Uproar =
Your requests are working (maybe? Idk if they were gonna do this anyway, but I'm claiming it as us, whatever)! Sounds like there are some additional locations coming soon 👀
== YouWear50Well ==
Early reminder! The 21st is Rhys' Birthday! Since it'll be the 21st for some crew members earlier than others, @yronnia was kind enough to give us information early regarding the 50th birthday news!Please be sure to Post your birthday wishes to Rhys and show him your appreciation! Send your fanart and other creations using #YouWear50Well. Please Note: Please do not tag Rhys repeatedly! He's going to be getting a lot of notifications. Even just having notifications under #YouWear50Well will help keep everything visible :)
== Kudoboards closing soon =
Last chance! Thank you to @sharpenyersword on Twitter for setting up ALL THE KUDOBOARDS! Rhys' birthday kudoboard will close on the 20th, the rest will close on the 22nd.
Go send the cast and crew some love folks!
Rhys Darby's Birthday
David Jenkins
Nathan Foad
Con O'Neill
Ruibo Qian
Leslie F*cking Jones!
Matthew Maher
Vico Ortiz
Samson Kayo
Alex "Ass Tonight" Sherman!
David Fane
Kristian "Wee John Wednesdays" Nairn!
Samba "BTS and Baking King" Schutte!
Fellow OFMD Fan Crew!
= Love Notes =
Hey Lovelies. Been a lot of excitement today, certainly a lot going on! Rhys' birthday week, actual footage of something in Lochness, podcasts, billboards and movies, oh my! I know some of us are struggling a bit with some personal stuff, it's a hard time out there. It hits harder too when you get all this fun dopamine from the internet, then you turn around and look back at normal life and things are tough. Remember to be kind to yourself lovelies. Things aren't always going to go the way you plan or want. It's okay if you can't get out of bed today. It's okay if you scroll on your phone and get your dopamine from goofy ass pictures of celebrities. It's okay if you get up and you brush your teeth, but just can't make your breakfast. Eat something simple. Drink some water, lay down for a while. Little things build to big things. If you can't do laundry today because you don't have the spoons/motivation, then don't do laundry today. Just remember to change your underwear if you have some clean ones cause you don't wanna get a UTI. If all you can do today is exist, you're doing great. You're doing better than great, you're fantastic. Tomorrow you can do a little bit more, or a little less, depending on what you need. Just be kind to yourself and give yourself grace; the world is hard enough as it is, you don't need to beat yourself up for struggling with very real issues. Thank you all for making the past few weeks tolerable, I appreciate that so much. It's keeping my brain chemistry in a spot that's healthier than is used to be. I hope you all know just how wonderful you truly are, and that me and the rest of the crew are rooting for you every day. We're here, we love you <3 Stay well.
= Love Notes Cont'd =
= Daily Darby / Tonight's Taika =
Tonight's theme is these two being goofy MFs.
Darby Courtesy of @kiwistede
Taika Courtesy of I don't actually know I'm sorry (I found it in my taika folder and normally I name them but this didnt have one)! Please claim it!
#Spotify#daily ofmd recap#daily ofmd recaps#ofmd daily recap#ofmd daily recaps#save ofmd#adopt our crew#renew our flag means death#kristian nairn#vico ortiz#rosie carnahan darby#the cryptid factor#podcasts#never left#our flag means fanfiction#be a billboard#saveofmdcrewmates#save our flag means death#finish our stories#long live ofmd#avenge ofmd
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A non-exhaustive list of why you should listen to hit dirtbag boyband Bears in Trees:
their music is really amazing. you'll love it.
especially if your Spotify wrapped was on the pov: indie side of things
and even if it wasn't.
songs for every emotion
absolutely beautiful lyrics
sometimes these lyrics make sense. sometimes they don't. that's part of the fun.
songs about platonic love !!!!!
songs for the queers! the aros! the aces! the enbies! the trans community!
my dad likes them. doesn't sound like a lot, but it's an achievement.
(more underneath the break)
iain (bass/vox/lyrics) has "ginger" tattooed on the back of their head. if that isn't iconic I don't know what is.
on the note of iain, they were the first person i was aware of that used they as a pronoun, and that changed my life
they have a discord server! it's a really lovely community. i am not biased in the slightest. (discord.gg/sandbox) (https://discord.com/invite/thesandbox) (i will personally send you an invite i don't actually know what the link is)
they should DEFINITELY be on the heartstopper soundtrack
if I'm remembering correctly in the tiktok where they said they should be on the heartstopper soundtrack, they also said 3 out of 4 of them were in some way queer. seems like a good thing to me.
they opened for you me at six earlier this year. it was my first time seeing them live. and WOW.
I met some of my best friends through this band. I'm not joking; big shout out to the mojo dojo castle house, I'll never forget that weekend.
they're hilarious on the internet
you might cry at several of their songs for a million different reasons
BearBerry records
they have a tumblr blog @/bearsintreesofficial (iirc). I'm not gonna tag them but
BiT gigs are a safe space. I may have almost fainted at my last one (new cross inn, August 2023) but I've never met so many kind strangers and genuinely lovely people
merch is super comfy and really cute.
it gives stardew valley and animal crossing (trust me I'm right)
after the new cross gig (sweatiest gig in the world), despite surely being exhausted, callum (uke/keys/vox) took my bereal and i got my mini lesbian flag signed by them all
I turned out not to be a lesbian, which possibly makes it funnier, but the flag is stuck on my wall still
cryptids would LOVE their band
dash.
there's also a community minecraft server for discord members
BiT postcards !!!!
gosh and the bit stickers
they covered stick season on an Instagram live
they also do the funniest twitch streams
iain and the mountain
the raccoon email address
george (drums/production) is elite. the drum fills in doing this again? iconic. also has a specific really cool shirt I want to steal
wedding. dress. tiktok.
callum doesn't wear shoes on stage. apparently this was common knowledge but it sure surprised me at new cross.
the austrian soft drinks advert
iain make up looks
callum plays the flute. I want to say classically trained flautist but i may be wrong.
none of them have EVER bribed any members of law enforcement
their songs are very tattooable
talking of tattoos, nick (lyrics/guitar/saw him play the uke on stage once) has L + R tattooed on his forearms (iirc). absolute genius and I am stealing it when I get more of my patchwork sleeve done
iain releases solo music to under the name pet yeti. it's ethereal. callum also plays flute on one of them.
trumpet joe
the four of them never look like they are dressed for the same event
someone once edited the bears in trees wiki page to say that Ryan Ross was in their band
silly geese
that time we got singing? poetry? performance art? of THAT harry potter fanfiction
according to tiktok, iain and nick once had to sneak into their own show because they were underage
nurby
I have a video in the depths of my camera roll of them covering Mama by My Chemical Romance on a twitch stream
sonick
all of them give me gender envy at different times
their newest single (bart's bike) features banjo
patreon content
yelling it gets better with a room full of people was a healing experience.
tilly
modern baseball and fall out boy adjacent in my brain
if you like bears in trees you're automatically hot and really cool
they did a song with noahfinnce and its really super good
callum also featured on a myriad song which is also really super good
bit songs feel like coming home. they feel like hot chocolate and a blanket on a cold night. they feel like a warm hug. they feel like surviving and falling in love with life again and overcoming the worst things. they feel like victory, because you didn't think you'd make it to adulthood. but I'm 20 now. and I'm still here. I've almost graduated uni. and that's what bears in trees feels like.
all of their songs!!!! amazing!!!!
please feel free to add to this list. I'm taking suggestions.
#bears in trees#dirtbag boyband#music#bit#bearsintrees#bears in trees core#LISTEN TO THEM#i'm begging you#i love my friends#they make me feel alive again#indie#pov: indie#i'm alive#and thats wonderful
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I got a little ranking request for you: What are your Top 5 best and Top 5 worst Billy Joel music videos?
Omg okay. This is so hard!!!
Top 5 best:
Turn the Lights Back On
youtube
This is the one that makes me the most emotional. It's not even the AI younger versions of him, although those are great, but the old footage they put in at the end. Oh my god. It gets me every time. And when he turns the page from Famous Last Words at the beginning.... it gets me every single time. It's really beautifully made and I'm so glad we have it.
2. The Longest Time
youtube
This is a nice simple concept and I really love it. The old age makeup is a little goofy but it's worth it to me. I love seeing the band singing together in this one! The lyrics are romantic but the video is about the group of friends and it's nice.
3. You're Only Human
youtube
Billy Joel called this video terrible but he's just mean. It's cheesy but it makes it work. I think the cliche of homaging It's a Wonderful Life actually helps, because it doesn't take itself totally seriously. I like the narrative videos, which he would hate, but too bad. This is the only song of his that I enjoy significantly more with the video. He's great in it! He gets to ham it up and be silly and then he does the scene where he takes the kid to see the cops informing his parents that he's dead and he gets that look on his face. My heart. Playing the Piano Man riff on the harmonica is such a perfect touch. It really personalizes it and takes it from being a straight It's a Wonderful Life scenario to being a message from Billy Joel himself.
4. Pressure
youtube
This one is a really great example of surreal music videos that raise more questions than they answer. I think it's just really well-done and the effects are cool. It has some funny little easter eggs too, like "William Joel, age 29, occupation computer software."
5. A Matter of Trust
youtube
This is more of a performance video, but it has just enough narrative setting to it to make me interested. I like the rehearsal concept, even if seeing him play a guitar is weird. The comedy beat with the lady yelling at them to shut up is fun. Everyone in the street stopping to listen is predictable but it works. And the cameo from Christie and Alexa is adorable. "Okay girls, A Matter of Trust!" my heart!!
Honorable mentions that I adore but didn't make this list because I think these 5 are better: Keeping the Faith, She's Right On Time, Uptown Girl, We Didn't Start the Fire, Tell Her About It.
Top 5 worst:
Zanzibar
youtube
I don't even know what's going on here. He's released two other animated videos in recent years and those are both pretty good. This one is just weird.
2. Piano Man (1985)
youtube
I don't think either Piano Man video should exist, but between the two of them this one is worse. I hate how literally it interprets every line, I hate how brightly colored it is. I don't know if it's supposed to be comedic or it's just 80stastic but it's not dark and gritty like the song is in my head. This video represents everything he's ever said is bad about videos. I have my own extremely clear vision of the piano bar in my head from the song and this is getting in the way. Among the reasons this one is worse, it's very obvious when you look at him that it was filmed in the 80s, not the early 70s. His hair is completely wrong.
3. To Make You Feel My Love
youtube
There's no point to this, they just needed a video because they put this out as a single with Greatest Hits Volume 3. It works slightly better for Hey Girl.
4. And So It Goes
youtube
I have nothing against this it's just completely pointless. It doesn't add anything to the song. The only good part is the shot of his hands playing.
5. The Downeaster "Alexa"
youtube
I just don't like how it's edited and I really want this song to have a better video.
The only ones on the worst list I really feel strongly about are the first two though!
And then there's Sometimes a Fantasy which is both the worst and the best.
There's a video limit but I can link it.
I honestly think it's pretty well made and I really enjoy it but it's weird and it makes me feel a little gross. It just... is.
Thanks for the ask!
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what was ur trajectory for getting into hardcore?
Short answer:
Vocaloid -> Tumblr mutuals give me a taste of hardcore -> hardcore touhou arranges and lolicore -> hardcore autism -> 4lung links me a copy of FL studio -> Perpetuates the cycle
Long timeline below the cut:
c. 2009-2011: get into vocaloid because a high schooler TA at art camp plays World Is Mine and a few other classics, and i think it's just the coolest thing ever.
c 2012-2013: still really into vocaloid. it's my special interest. finding myself enjoying electronic stuff but not knowing anything about genres. going on youtube deep dives, listening to anything i can find reuploaded off niconico. i have a bookmark folder from around this time with a good hundred or so songs in it lol
2013-2014: introduced to things like wolfgun, pendulum, and more experimental electronic like osamu sato by tumblr mutuals. some of my mutuals make their own music. they and quite a few others i follow are into lapfox but i never went out of my way to listen. the callout drops and i have no idea what anyone is talking about but i avoid the subject.
i want to get into making music. i had a tiny bit of background when i was in elementary school, but i still struggle to read sheet music, i don't know shit about playing the piano, and i don't know what programs to use. i watch Cakewalk videos in mystified awe, unable to read anything on it. i am very bad at searching for information online.
somehow, i get myself into using UTAU, mostly just converting USTs, doing a little tuning, and trying to edit in Audacity. I start using Famitracker. While I struggle with the interface, I finally for the first time understand music. The process of synthesizing a sound makes sense for me, and I want more.
2014-2015: i'm into 8tracks and i like, like fucking, electroswing and glitch hop and shit. i'm just listening to random dancey electronic. i don't know. i liked the hotline miami soundtrack
2015: old vocaloid producers are retiring and moving on, the slump is starting to hit. i get a new computer, i deleted my old tumblr coinciding with losing most of the people i spent time with on there, i focus more on school. but i'm on twitter and soon i've remade my tumblr.
i start making new friends. i get invited to play nekodancer with one of them, and get introduced to their friend (hi ein). i think he put on like a goreshit song or a touhou arrange or something but it just really cracked my brain open.
i get into touhou, i get into touhou arranges, and this is when i meet gabber and breakcore. i'm also pretty into lolicore but i have a hard time talking about it due to it being called lolicore (oh, how time changes a person)
2016: at this point, hardcore is my special interest. i'm collecting things in youtube playlists, i'm getting really granular about genres. i'm slurping shit off of lolicore.ch
i want to make hardcore but i don't know how. i try doing things in sunvox to no avail. i try playing around in audacity to no avail. but the hardcore spirit is within me
additional events of note:
2016 or 2017: i don't know when or how i ended up finding out about 4lung, probably a twitter mutual. i like her stuff and she puts out a lot of it. the fanbase is friendly.
if you ask, 4lung will send you a pastebin with a link to FL studio, sample packs, and tips on getting started making breakcore. so i get FL studio. i'm still busy at school, but i make some practice tracks for assignments.
2017: i make the first E-R0 MAID.f track.
and then i just kept going. my music-related special interests wax and wane with my ability to focus on them compared to other things going on in my life but they never really fade completely. in early 2023 i started djing so that's brought it back.
so yeah that's roughly my trajectory thanks for listening
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Responding to some of the comments from my last mole anon ask I'm not new to the group but I am new to the ship. I first started listening to the group around 2018 but watching stuff like Run and the festas a few yrs later and from that, I wouldn't have guessed taekook were dating or even one of the closest friendship. They seemed touchy yeah but i think that for the whole group tbh. It wasn't really until solo era that I started focusing more on fan stuff. I'd say before that I was more fo a casual fan who enjoyed watching the content but wasn't really desperate to see everything bts. Like I knew the basics and the memes but never really was inclined to delve any further and my knowledge of shipping was mostly critical. I did see some of the narratives in the backlash to shipping such as taekook being less close than other members and with (what I now know is edited) official content reinforcing that, it was much easier to believe that than a secret taekook love affair.
But Layover turned out to be one of my favorite albums because it was closest to my musical tastes and culture of music i grew up with and so I started hitting up twitter and specifically searching stuff up to discuss more about tae and his musical influences coz I thought he did such a great job with that album and had some real soul in it despite not being raised in that culture or country of that kind of music. And I think because of the algorithms and how popular taekook is that's when I started seeing my taekook posts pop up on my timeline and from a ship critical perspective, I brushed most of as delulu coz wlmy first exposure of ships being discussed in fandom was that it was weird and inappropriate to ship.
And the stuff that I did see out of morbid curiosity (and I admit it wasn't a lot at that time) just really validated the 'fake' accusations because it was all slow mo'd edits and taekook seemed to have 7 different anniversary dates according to the taekook stuff I read so it was seeming more like shippers were just trying to fit a circle onto a square hole or something. Plus I'd see people responding to those slo mo edits with the real time links and that made it seem even faker.
The I recently saw the mole video on twitter that brought me here and that was the first thing were I couldn't really rationalise it with a platonicary answer because one of the first things I can remember doing in a relationship is laying in bed counting and mapping each others marks and freckles.
So that to me seemed just highly romantic for a couple of bros.
Except I lost the video on twitter so I tried YouTube to find it, nothing. Searched the Internet on general, nothing and I ended up stumbling across this blog. I think I discovered while browsing after seeing a response to an ask that I thought sounded fair enough a d really kinda middle ground for a shipper. It was framed as like 'idnk for sure but here's what I think' and after looking for the link and coming across people who were more definitive in their theories and stuff, I thought somewhere like here would be the best place to ask for the info.
Because at that point, shipping didn't have any good associations to me and I wasn't really comfortable with my own speculation that the mole vid was leaving me with but I also couldn't stop second guessing my own first reaction to deny, deny, deny and make an excuse for it.
So my intentions really were to post here, get a link to the vid, watch it again and be like 'oh yeah, that's been blown out of proportion. No ships sailing here' like I had when people sent those real time links in response to ship edit videos.
(Except we all know what happened next)
While waiting for a response which came pretty quickly, I was looking up for more info on taekook in general and was coming up with mostly horse shit but I was also noticing the more reasoned stuff now that I was actively looking for it.
And in the response, DWM mentioned and tagged the taekook timeline which really topped off me taking a second look at the ship because again it was presented as kinda 'this is what I think, beware, I could be just high on delusional and this whole post could be wish fulfilment but here's what happened and what I think' and angles like that I can appreciate because I find it way more trustworthy than someone presenting a theory as fact which is what it felt like taekook lyves was doing a lot of, imo.
The timeline really sealed the deal for me, tbh, because seeing all their interactions in one place and running on concurrent really blew the hinges off the 'distance' narrative.
Which lead me to the ultimate question which I think is the fossil fuel that taekook sails on; what's with all the fucking secrecy and what's bighit hiding??
Because to me and with the timeline on front of me there was no distance on their distant relationship.
And so I've recently started a rewatch of some of their biggest hits. Like I started with bon voyage and I'm kicking myself and wondering why I didn't consider stuff like the room choosing situation in Bon Voyage Morrocoo or Malta wherever they were, more closely. I can't even explain why I just took it at face value as a joke because looking back JK made it so damn obvious.
And I started noticing the subtleties of their touching and the lack of space. I think part of me started reqatching the BV and Run episodes to be kinda proven right that there was nothing more to the ship and I was being delulu but the more I watch, the more Im starting to notice and those fossil fuel questions keep popping up in my mind.
And as a logical creature who said taekook isn't real when I couldn't see anything proving it, I can't then refuse to consider the possibility that it might be real now that I'm seeing stuff that I consider legit proof or support of a relationship.
As for theories, I don't want it to come across like I'm acting smarter or more superior than anyone else because I think everyone is working off theories even the people who don't believe in it because none of us know these guys or their lives but I don't like when theories are pushed as fact or manipulated or framed as the only possible conclusion to a question. Like could I make another theory as to why taekook ate mapping out each others moles, yeah, course I could but based on my own experience perception and no real clear arguement otherwise etc---the romantic reason is still the strongest supported to me.
So I don't have anything against theories just the way they're framed.
So yeah I guess that's my looong (sorry) story about how I accidently became a taekook shipper.
Hi again mole anon!
It’s really nice to hear your story actually. I think skepticism is definitely a good way to get into this. Also, props to Kayla @taekooktimeline for documenting so well 💜.
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