#his mom was so upset when my bf and i were discussing things last night bc the aunt has a habit of doing this stuff

[seancamerons]

i'm not letting anyone ever make me feel bad about me, my choices, things and people i love/care about, hobbies whatever, ever. respect me, or (kindly), kick bricks🧱 i'm just done with that "letting things happen" or niceties if you're not nice to me or others. you gonna disrespect me, i won't respect you and i just won't talk to you. life is too short to be a mean person. i don't wanna be a pushover. i'm not gonna let people make me feel bad anymore no matter who they are. i cried my last tear over that stuff. not gonna be hostile, or mean but assertive, because it's a new era and i want positivity. i want good things, i like my peace and anyone who threatens me with that i don't want around me. it's just bs. 💩 i don't want any negativity, so if you're gonna be mean or whatever do not interact w/ this.

[aspiestvmusings]

ZEP: S1 - MAX & ZOEY TIMELINE

This is part of my ZEP: S1 Thoughts Master Post

Here’s the new & updated long analysis post for ZEP S1. This one features the whole season, all 12 episodes.

Just me...dissecting & analyzing the storyline...with focus on Zoey & Team Max. But since the stories are so intertwined, there’s Zoey/dad & Zoey/Simon talk, too. Among other things...relevant to it all...

ZEP: MAX & ZOEY -  THOUGHTS 1 [LINK HERE]  

Zoey/Max Timeline

Yes, unless Max knows something we don’t know about Zoey (that she, just like her dad, actually, secretly loves big gestures and moments) his choice for how he professed his love seems to be wrong way to declare his love for this specific lady. Because according to what we know Zoey is not into music (but then again…the use of a flash mob was a plot twist device by the writers… who just decided to use that surprise for Max/Zoey, when it could’ve been any other character… but this was simply done so that the show could mess with Zoey’s powers and give her character “oh, this isn’t in my head, this is real” moment.) But… that’s just a possible bad choice by the character, not anything horrible. And that’s the way he knows how to say it, even if a small, personal, reveal seems more Zoeys style.

But… are we actually correct in assuming this? After the flashmob she never once mentioned anything about it being “too much of a public declaration for her taste”. She even called it “an amazing gesture”, which tells us that while she might be uncomfortable with “big moments” in general (public speaking…), she is comfortable with them with people she’s closed to (her dad, her best friend…) And we saw her talk about it with Max & with Mo. Her only worry was related to him telling her, in reality (not just in her mind…via heart song) that he has feelings for her. She has not shown any worry regarding it being done via “grand gesture”. So… is it possible that it actually isn’t so “not her” as we assume?

Just as perhaps Max from 1x09 is not as “passive” and “not interested in promotion” as Max from 1x01? Perhaps time & peer reviews, and everything else…has changed him? And he’s actually interested in climbing the career ladder.,.. as opposed to the Max in the Pilot, who told Zoey that he does not want any of that…

Maybe Zoey is her fathers daughter, and actually (secretly) loves big moments & grand gestures? Because her dad is all about “big moments”. And maybe it’s actually really appropriate for Max to tell Zoey about his feelings this way, in “big moments/grand gesture” style flash mob? To honor her dad…in a way. Cause Mitch loves these kind of moments & Mitch is No 1 in Zoey’s life, so…  maybe we’re all wrong in assuming it was “not Zoey’s style”? Everything on the show so far points to this - there’s no indication that she didn’t like the “big gesture”. The only reason why it “freaked her out” is because of her superpower...which he had no knowledge of at that time/moment.

We saw the events through Zoey’s eyes & her POV on what’s going on with/between her & her bff.

From Max’s POV this is what’s going on with Zoey/his relationship with Zoey:

She ends their regular movie nights…with no explanation. Something that they’ve done…forever…since they are best friends. (He probably thinks it’s because of her dad’s health and that she’s focused on..that… after her promotion he even asks if her “weidness” is because of “her dad” and/or her now being his boss)

She starts acting strangely…around him, and general…and she doesn’t talk to him anymore (it’s been implied that they’re BFF and talk about everything… but she hasn’t told him what’s up with her). He wonders if it’s because of her dad’s health and everything related to it (but he doesn’t know if its only because of that, or if there’s something more/else, too)

He has feelings for her, but he doesn’t tell her (she only finds out cause she can hear his heart songs). Finding out that her BF has deeper feelings for her freaks her out, even though he himself does not pressure her or anything like that..yet. She is the one who assumes their “discussion” at work is presumed as “lovers quarrel” & she is the one who presumes that “is it a date” means he considers a meal together as date…when all he means is “are you free to go” (to the new place which they both wanted to go to..as friends) Up until the flash mob there is zero “pushing” from him.

He only sings love songs to her when he’s single - during the time he’s dating someone else (Autumn) he stops singing to her, because he’s not a cheater. When he’s with someone, he’s with that someone, and devoted to that person..only. So he stops for a while.

He sees & hears her say that the thing she had for/with Simon is over (1x06) & that she’s not doing any of that anymore. Since she doesn’t talk about any of it with him, this is all he knows so he assumes she meant it, and she’s done chasing the engaged man. This is also probably the only inside info she has on the whole Z/S situation - what he sees/hears during the “burnt roses” moment. (So… it is not a nice surprise when he learns in 1x08 that after everything her words were not true, cause it’s not all over/done with S…)

Why he doesnt believe her right away when she tells him of her powers: As a rational person he has a hard time believing her claims about superpowers at first. Also… it seems like such a “lie” to change the subject, and simply avoid giving him an honest answer (yes OR no) But after hearing some more facts he starts believing. And by the time she “glitches” he has no doubt that she’s going through all this…

Both Zoey and Max are emotionally challenged. (tbh, just like Max I believed Autumn when she said that all is cool when they broke up during their morning jog. I’m emotionally challenged, too. I honestly did not know that what she said and what she thought/felt were different, so I get why it came as a surprise to him to learn she wasn’t cool about it) The whole Autumn/Max break-up tells us that Max doesn’t get the subtle clues, and needs to hear the words to know the truth. Hence he believes what Zoey tells him… at first.

He misreads her signals in 1x05 - 1x06 - 1x07 (”I need more Max”, reinstating their movie nights, touching his bicep, commenting she needs more Max in her life, checking him out when he’s shirtless, etc), and based on that confesses his love for her via flashmob. What surprises him is not so much that she doesn’t respond with the same, but that she doesn’t give him an answer…at all. (Mo explained it best to Zoey…later; the boy deserved an answer… even if it’s “I don’t know…yet”. Also… we’ve never heard her say that she didn’t appreciate it because it was a big gesture…so she might not be as uncomfortable with the gesture as we think) Instead she runs, and then she avoids giving him an answer, kinda changing the subject, and telling him about her powers. Instead of telling him the truth right away, cause truth might hurt, but it’s better than avoidance/ignoring.

This is shown later in the episode, when after Zoey finally gives him her…messy & selfish answer… he’s hurt, but content. She tells him that the reasons why she isn’t ready to go from friends to more is because her focus has to be on her dad for now & because she’s afraid that “they” won’t work out & she’ll lose her best ftiend…for good… and she can’t risk that… at this time. This is not the answer he hoped for, but as Mo predicted…this is the answer he accepts. That can be seen in the elevator scene with Simon. He’s OK with waiting & this not being the right time (cause she needs to focus on her dad at the moment). He also doesn’t say they’re done, he asks what she asked - pressing pause on their traditional friends activities like movie nights.

During the 1x07 end elevator convo he also learns that the totally engaged man has been “keeping tabs” on Zoey & Z/M. Which concerns him. Cause why is an engaged man looking at other women & paying attention to whom they socialize with (when his focus should only be on his fiancee)? Like Mo, he probably thinks “the guy is a player” after this convo. And again… he, as Zoey’s friend, is not in the wrong, when he thinks he should “protect” her from the morally questionable guy.

Then in the “very next day basically” he learns that she wasn’t completely honest with him. And since she promised 100% honesty to him, he’s hurt that she as his friend isn’t being honest. She sings him a love song (it is possible that she wasn’t aware of her deep feelings for him…but after this she definitely is…100%)…but then tries to take back the honesty and claim that the truth she spoke is not the truth. But what really hurts him is how her “honesty” from their last convo turns out to be a lie (and we know it is, because we’ve seen Zoey tell her mom & Mo about her real feelings, not the cleaned up version she told Max at the end of 1x07) - and he voices why he’s upset. It’s not because she doesn’t return his feelings, it’s because she wasn’t honest with her best friend. Because through her heart songs he knows for a fact that she has feelings for him - that she loves him, too. So he’s not upset that she doesn’t love him back. He even says it during their bathroom convo - the best reason to be “mad” at her is that she told him she loves him/she’s his, when she didnt mean to tell him this (the truth). Meaning: she thinks it’s “unfair” he’s upset that “she sang him a heart song, when she didn’t mean to”… or in other words: she thinks it’s fair to keep the truth a secret from him…and this rigth after she promised 100% honesty to him… and he doesn’t agree with the secret-keeping.

We saw Max’s feelings progression since Pilot: in 1x01 he THINKS he’s in love with her, in 1x02 he’s a SUCKER for her & by 1x07 he fully admits he LOVES her. With Zoey the timeline is..kinda… starting in 1x06… The “500 miles” moment is her “I think I love you” moment & her heart song to him in 1x08 is basically her “I love you” moment.

She claims she isn’t ready for a relationship because she needs to focus on her dad right now, when in reality she really is torn between two men - and she wants Max to be her emotional support and shoulder to lean on (knowing he loves her, and knowing that he knows that she knows he loves her), while she herself is pursuing another man, Simon. An engaged man she’s obsessed with cause she “finds his body hot & has a grief bond with”. (in reality: her role has mostly been being his grief therapist - and she’s not really told him about her dad that much…so it’s pretty much one-sided anyway) But just as she didn’t want to be the other woman, he doesn’t want to be the other man/third wheel… and that’s understandable.

Then when Max gets the job offer he goes to his best friend for support. And while I personally read the scene as him saying “no, that was not the right answer, but it gave me mine (I’m taking the job)” being a response to her asking “was this the right answer?” because this meant she wasn’t still being honest with him, and instead of giving her her true answer she gave him the answer she thought he wanted to hear… I am willing to accept that what the writers meant was that he wanted her to give a more personal answer and/or ask him to stay because he is a valuable member of the team.

Her reply was as his boss, and co-worker/friend. She only focused on their work relationship, not their personal friendship. She’ll miss sitting across from him… not that she’ll miss him outside work (and  yes…it’s only two floors up, and working in different departments does not mean they can’t hang out oustide work…) but still her answer did not include her role as best friend/possible future romantic partner….even when he asked her to specify the “I’m Your’s Zoey’s” answer - she only focused on the work related part when replying…to that.  This gave him the clarity needed - she’s not into him, so he did the right thing & put space between them. Since she didn’t include the “I’m Yours Zoey” that meant to him that she’d choosen Simon…and  just as it’s very human to grieve and cheat…it’s also very human to feel hurt/heartbroken. And he should not have to subject himself to seeing her with someone else (when he knows she has feelings for both) - making the same mistakes over again she’s made before with her relationships. So his choice was the right one…for both. They need time apart, time to grow as individuals, time to reflect…

Yes his speech in 1x10 was directed mostly to her, but he was adressing the whole 4th floor/Team, really. Cause no-one stood up to give him a “good luck” hug when he came to collect his things. And his best friend didn’t even have any encouraging words to him…on the day he moved to the 6th floor…. and even admitted she didn’t get to get him a “good luck gift” (which he could just assume is because she’s busy with her dad, but we know that while she had 4 days to buy that pen/mouse…and didn’t, she managed to get a plant as housewarming gift for the other man in like 4 hours. And we also know that she voiced no concerns about losing her best friend and a good team member at work…while talking to Mo… yet she had lots of things to say about “the man who just broke up, and whom I said I would not chase anymore, but now that he’s been single for 4 seconds, we can make out and it’s not cheating this time anymore”… so she’s showing no signs of caring about his best friends life changes, while caring a lot about the other mans life changes)

So of course he feels underappreciated on the 4th floor. The peer reviews, the boss, the team manager, the job offer… it all plays a part in his decision. And the D*rk Point boss knows exactly what to say…to make him feel appreciated…something he didn’t feel he got on the 6th floor… but he didn’t realize until he heard Ava point out his good work..with the maze, with the chirp pitch…and though he may not realize that Ava, too, has her own agenda, hearing that he is appreciated…as a worker & as a human…made him feel good  (we saw how important positive feedback is for everyone during the peer reviews plot), and he realized he didn’t get any of that, really, on the 4th floor. And once again… while he may have secretly wanted to hear her say “stay”, what he actually really wanted/needed was for her to encourage him, and show genuine happiness for him, and for her to be completely honest with him. And he didn’t feel like that’s something she could be right now. To put it in her own terms: “everyone is so nice & polite, and no one is giving me the raw & honest feedback”…cause her reply to him when asked about the job offer was “polished” & “nice”, not “honest & raw”. (and I think we all agree that her telling him to take it  & him taking it was the right move…for all… cause they both need space & to grow individually)

In the Pilot we learn that Max thinks he’s not management material & he’s not looking for career opportunity. So to Zoey’s knowledge this is not in character for him? So whether or not he’s changed during the time between then & now, to Max’s knowledge she knows that he likes being just a coder. So for her to not know him…and not remember that he’s told her this, could be disappointing. So her reply: That’s a great career opportunity MIGHT tell him that she doesn’t know him and what he wants. (this is the flashmob argument: we, fans, think that a flashmob is “not Zoeys style” & we, fans, think that promotion is “not Max’s style”. We might be wrong, cause we don’t know everything about the characters + they can change…over time…)

Another thing she says to him when he asks advice regarding the job offer is “I would never stop you from going after what you want”. When they both know that what he really wants is her - he’s made it clear. And yet… here she is saying she’d not stop him, when she is “stopping him” from doing just that. And at the same time…as pointed out in the last part… is a promotion what Max really wants? Cause it is not the case for “1x01 Max”…and we & Zoey haven’t been made aware that he’s changed his mind. So… does his best friend not know him? (or does she known him better…and know he’s changed his POV on promotions)

Max & Zoey have been best friends & colleagues…for 5 years…since the first day on the job. From Max’s POV…something changed..suddenly…a few months ago. For a while he didn’t know why and what, but now he knows why.  And just like it took time for Zoey to adjust to her “power”, same applies to Max (adjusting to her powers).

From Max’s POV…his best friend is dishonest with him, she avoids him, she has changed, she comes to him when she needs him… but she herself doesn’t offer anything back (yes, he is aware she’s grieving, and he understands it, but his best friend is not letting her friends help her during the time she needs to lean on family/friends). We have rarely seen her talk to him about anything else than office gossip…or her powers related stuff…recently. And it’s heavily implied they used to talk…all the time… about everything. His best friend also set him up with another woman…just to avoid him after she learned that he has feelings for her. His best friend claims her focus has to be her dad, and she can’t do more than friendship at this time, but at the same time she continues pursing another man. And this after she promised to be 100% honest with him. And she betrayes that trust the “very next day”. So he has every right to be upset, and hurt.

Zoey has every right to be upset about the fact that she thinks Max is “pushing her to have feelings for him” (when they both know… for a fact..after her heart song that she does have feelings for him), but in this case Max has every right to be upset about the fact that he thinks “she is avoiding him”. She has the right to grieve, so does he. If she has the right to be upset that Simon doesn’t return her feelings… then Max has the right to be upset that she doesn’t return his feelings. The same rules have to apply to all, not just main character. And if you look at the storylines closely, you’ll see the parallels… the things that Zoey is upset about (fans are upset about) regarding Simon’s behaviour (when pursuing him) are the same exact things that Max is upset about regarding Zoey (his pursuit of her). The same way that some fans point out Max is “obsessed with Zoey” there’s a parallel story with Zoey is “obsessed with Simon”. All Max wanted from Zoey was what Zoey wanted from Simon - clarity. For her/him to have clarity. And just as she felt the other man didn’t have it, he felt that she didn’t have it.

Because we, the audience, know that Zoey (thinks she has) has feelings for both men - her behaviour in past episodes (especially 1x06 - 1x07) and her heart song confirm that she has feelings for Max, and because he knows her secret, he knows that that’s a fact. So he has every right to be upset that she  “doesn’t like him back/doesn’t want to be with him”, when he knows that she does love him back, while claiming the opposite. And she won’t talk to him about it…

From his POV it is as follows: they both have admitted they love each other. She claims she needs time to deal with her grief and can’t risk their friendship. She tells him she loves him…and the very next minute goes to another mans arms - that’s the part that upsets him. He’s not upset that she’s not returning his feelings/not wanting to date him, nope. He’s “upset” because he, as her best friend who knows her & her past relationships, knows that her thing with the engaged man will not end well for her.  And yes, he is not wrong in saying that in a case when she has feelings for two men it’s a better option to choose the best friend, who has always been there for her (she’s said this herself) than the totally engaged (until just recently) & morally questionable, emotionally unavailable grieving hot guy.                      

While Max choices have been just “mistakes” (perhaps not the best idea to confess your feelings via flash mob to a girl who only listens to podcasts?), then Simon’s choices have been actual “bad decisions” - cheating. And though both Simons & Zoey’s bad choices have been rooted in their grief/depression, they cannot “excuse” it with being a mess due to grief. Instead of continuing the downward spiral they should own their mistakes, acknowledge them as not good choices. It’s one thing to use the wrong gesture to confess your love to somone, and completely another thing to cheat on your fiancee (and blame it on being a mess cause of grief). Those two things should not be comparable.

I can’t believe how some people see Max response to her “no one understand why you got the promotion” (translation: you didn’t deserve it) as harsh. Like her cruel words were “justified” because she’s grieving...or just because…even though she was not right to say them, but his behaviour has been “unacceptable”. Yes, his comments to Zoey are not the friendliest (when he’s telling why he chooses 6th floor over 4th… after the “The Boy is Mine” sing-off, but they are nothing compared to Zoey’s “you don’t deserve this promotion & you are selfish for not being there for me whenever I need something from you”.

We can all see & understand that each character has flaws & makes mistakes & says some things they shouldn’t. But some of these things are “worse” than the others. And his reply to her rude-fuled-by-her-anger-phase-of-grieving comment to him was tame. He was actually quite calm & cool during his response to her (you’re calling me selfish?). And he directed the coded message at Zoey on the 6th floor directly at her because he knows she’s emotionally challenged, so she needed to undrerstand that it was directed at her, too…so she’d start understanding that she hurt him with her words/behaviour too. He wanted her to get that message, cause he had seen that until now she had no idea how her actions/inactions affect him.

He may seem like being “upset” with her… but it’s also understandable, because she kinda broke his heart, and just as she’s allowed to not return his feelings, he’s allowed to feel sad that she doesn’t. To put it in “fairytale terms”. But he’s in no way pressuring her to return his feelings & start a relationship now. All he wants/needs from her is honesty & clarity.

And mostly… when will Zoey finally give Simon the advice he needs - go see a professional therapist! What the man needs is professional help not a mind-reader, who is a mess herself. And is Zoey doesn’t stop keeping it all in and won’t talk to her family/friends about her grief, then she, too, will soon need professional help… (therapist).

Through all of this Max’s there for her:  he supports her when she’s interested in the new guy..(until he finds out the man is taken); he supports her to go after the promotion; he brings her dad… his “closest thing to a dad he’s had” soft food…that he can eat, he goes to support her when she gets a call about her dad’s health & he finds a way to get her to her dad..fast; he saves her “glitch song” and turns it into a pitch for the CEO; he goes to check on her, & gives her her mom’s message..even when he’s hurt by her (and on top of that he gives her good friend advice about her dad). And she does acknowledge this..on several occasions. So…this “social distancing” (physical distance between them during work & off work) is needed to make her/them start to see things from different perspective, and realize some truths… that only distance/change could give them.

There is a real inconsistancy between what she really feels & thinks…and  what she says/acknowledges she feels & thinks.

And it all won’t start moving forward & she won’t start character development until she’ll truly embrace her powers. Cause she still seems to view them as “burden” instead of “helpful tool”. Sure… she has started to realize the good she can do with having this ability (in general Howie/Abigail situation was the first time she really used her ability to really improve the situation & first time she really emphatized...though we could say that in a way the first case was her downstairs neighbour, Bonnie), but until she fully embraces it all, she’ll remain “lost”. The turning point will be actually losing her dad…for real.

There is a lot that I don’t understand 100% about what the show is trying to do… with Max “pushing* Zoey for answers to his confession of love” & his reaction to her answer about whether he should take the job offer…or even why they keep saying there’s a deep bond between Z & S, when all they’ve established is that they talked to each other about losing their dads & are physically attracted to each other. Or even why Zoey says that they kissed, when in reality he kissed her. Or Simon’s behaviour…which I don’t think is ONLY just about not dealing with his grief…and all that.

* I don’t see it as him pushing her or demanding answers or anything like that. But this is the sense many get, hence I used this word

[icharchivist]

 i’ve got a spiral down about my past and needed to throw it all out somewhere sorry about that, scroll past

under cut cw: self harm mentions, suicide idealization mentions, the usual deal from my parents, abandon issues and even slight bigotery discussion that has nothing interesting to say, just me being upset at my parents, so please just scroll past. 

Honestly i act as cheerful as possible lately and to be honest, i truly am happier than i had been in a long while - my current hyperfixation helping a lot and i think it also helps me process some things that I need to process as of now, especially the whole “living in the present, moving forward and try not to think too much of the past” angle that i obsess about lately -

but there’s not a single day that passes where i’m not angry at my family, that i’m not frustrated, that i don’t want to scream. I look back at my past and want to destroy it all, throw it all out, hating every single minute of it. 

And it’s while it’s better now that my (ex)stepdad left for good (I still have the 6 fucking years of trauma he left me with to deal with though) and that my mom is barely there bc she’s happily living with her bf right now (and even there this bad, bitter part of me is just BITTER that she can just move on and be happy as if i hadn’t been miserable due to her decisions in that whole time) - there is still the case of the fact that there’s this trial against my dad that is bringing back sour memories because my dad just... come to shake things bc he sucks. 

And meanwhile i’m happy i don’t have the weigh to bother with my mom but like?? that adds to all the times i’ve felt neglected, abandonned, left behind. And she will be /happily/ doing so and i must be happy bc she’s happy. 

All those problems i have to still process the consequences to shouldn’t even have been problems to start with. There is no reason any of it is fair, any of it is worth it. 

And like everytime i look back i just see how miserable it made me and how i still pay those decisions to this day: hell right now my hands hurt like crazy and GEEZ. bc what is handicaping my hand? a sickness that started due to high dose of stress my parents put me under AND neglect bc my mom argued for months i didn’t need to see a doctor and we didn’t have the means for it, leading to me contracting a deadly disease that will ALWAYS remain in my blood and always show up again when i’m having some pick of stresses and that still forbid me to do things to that day.

And like... everytime i start to be in pain i get frustrated because those problems, i’ve learnt to deal with them and i especially learnt to shut the fuck up about it. Because even if those are things that could kill me, it’s always things that do it /slowly/ so my parents don’t care?? they just tell me to stop complaining and move on? Like i almost had a ulcer and since then can’t eat some stuff anymore but does that stop my mom from just cooking it and joking that “she too is in pain eating them”? 

And i’m frustrated because I compare to my sister who had also been deadly sick, but those deadly got very quick and concerning very fast so my mom at least always overprotected her - and that’s good and fine, i’m glad my sister got the support she needed, but in the meantime when I got my deadly sickness i was just told to suck it up and that we couldn’t see a doctor because see it’s slow so it’s not important? 

And there’s not a day without those thoughts to come back to me. And it frustrates me, it makes me want to yell. 

And like. Like. My mental health had been SO BAD for ALL THOSE YEARS and all i’ve ever heard was my mom in denial shutting me off everytime i tried to bring it up because “no no because it’d mean you’re crazy and you can’t be crazy” mom i’m telling you i want to kill myself pay fucking attention, or worse, my dad who used my confession to my mom about self harm (that my mom welcomed with fucking “I have more important things to deal with” before snitching to my dad that it was his fault while i didn’t want to tell my dad) tO PUT IT IN COURT and tlel the judge that my mental unstability “caused by my mom” was why he shouldn’t give me allowance and lol i was 15??? And that led my dad to make suicide jokes at my expense to total strangers as i grew up???

And then 4 years ago  when i cut ties with my dad he started to send threats telling me he was going to send doctors from the mental institude against us because we were “dangerous to society because we’re mentally unstable” for thinking he should pay the fucking allowance, and he’s threatening this very thing again now??? 

Meanwhile like even my mom told me that perhaps i should keep low my attempts at therapy because my dad might use it against me and like?? like??? in what fucking world. 

And I think back to those once in a while, those thoughts sneak back into my mind and i’m angry, i’m so angry, i’m so so angry at this past. I want to tear it off i want to remove it I just don’t want it. I am tired of staying up at night reviewing my trauma because my brain finds it funny to remind me that everything went downhill and i’m trying to fix what people had destroyed around me and i wonder why i even bother it’s not like i knew how it was when it wasn’t broken and i don’t see why i have to put this much effort into all of this that shouldn’t have happened to start with. 

and I can see random things and it sets off the spiral down, anything that is a cute tongue and cheek thing about your past can make me remember stupid things that happened and then it’s over for the few hours that follow because i need to review AAAALL of that trauma, including things i have no reason to remember about like my fucking ex. 

And it happens over and over and over again.

I’ve ended up having a rather weird spiral down rn bc when my brain keeps me awake at night i try to focus on learning Japanese so i still stimulate my brain and distract myself from mental breakdown, but it comes with its lots of trauma, like the fact my mom had always been pretty bigoted toward this culture and had always made me feel bad for being curious about it, that i’ve wanted to study it for ever but my mom always killed it in some way or another, that i was made ridicule for it, and hell so did my Dad, he was no better he was just less virulant than her and just more humiliating. My mom was shutting me off and my dad was humiliating me, they made such a goddamn duo (and anyway from the letters i’ve found back from my sister running away that was already their combo kill before, lmao, and they still do that while divorced ofc).

And I was thinking what would be THE event in my life i could change that would have saved me all that trouble? And i think, if my grandmother took me with her when she took my sister away from my family. If i grew up with them what would have happened? 

And I was thinking, geez my mom always told me they were horrible people and i mean the apple can’t have fallen so far from the tree right? Like, how is there any garentee it could have been better except for the fact my sister got a happy life there.

and from all the things I could remember i remembered that they moved away back to the island my mother grew up to that is nearby Japan (which was my mom’s justification for being bigoted), and that for a couple of months when i was 14 where my mom managed to get in contact back with her mother (not allowed to talk back to my sister though and that’s when things turned sour but that’s a whole other can of worms), and for that slight time my grandmother actually talked back to me and was the most encouraging person from my whole family, and she had patrons from Japan so since she knew i was interested she sent me goodies she could find, like a traditional fan i still have, and she was even talking about how my mom and I could move in with them, and that i’d study there and study the language and all and it was already more support than i’ve ever had before which i’ve never realized until now and i started to cry in the kitchen out of nowhere (probably not helping i was making onigiri so it’s the mood i guess)

and like all of this was a lie since a few weeks later she told my mom last minute that we weren’t allowed to approach them anymore since my sister didn’t want to see her anymore (DUH that’s why she ran away) so we had to change our plans last minute and we lost contact and i’ve lost pretty much all interests i had at the time because now i associated it to a sour memory, and i suppose that’s part of the reasons why i hadn’t considered studying Japanese again until pretty recently (that and the fact my mom still found bigoted boyfriends who belittled me for that as well but hey when the shoe fits i guess)

 and i guess this whole spiral down i was thinking, i was told all my life they were horrible people and I don’t know them enough to have judged them, yet in a couple of months i was in contact with them they had shown more support to me than my family ever did. 

And it just... guh.

I feel like ever since i’ve read my sister’s file and that every affection i still had for my family broke, everyday is just a flood of remembering memories i’ve repressed of slight neglects here and there, or things i’ve been in denial about because it couldn’t have been that bad right? 

And I feel like.. the more now i’m trying to be in a better place mentally, and to sieze things I want, the more i remember why i wasn’t doing those to begin with and it’s not just my mental health being bad because of my parents, it was the whole package the problem, i have this sort of trauma on every aspect of my life, there’s not a single thing i can think back without taking it in the lense of feeling betrayed by my family in some regards. 

And hell even to some extend i feel so, so upset that those bounds with my families are things I want to throw out to start with, because I value the principle of legacy, but my family never did and I think back about the fact my parents come from very different and vast cultures that has nothing to do with France (my father is southern italian, my mother is of jewish descendant (as in she herself considers herself atheist and she never passed it down but she was raised in the faith) with her family branches from Algeria and she grew up in tropical islands surrounded by their cultures) and that they always, always specifically made sure i never knew about it until very late, shutting me off of it and then being mad that i don’t know stuff from my father’s side or mad that I get curious about others things in general. 

and i feel misplaced, i feel like this odd number that never got the attention of my parents, that didn’t inherit anything and perhaps it’s better this way, but i’ve been envious all my life of this concept and now i keep thinking and thinking and thinking about what the hell went wrong and there’s nothing in my control, just trying to break the paterns over and over again. (and all of this not helped by the fact it was the same as school for similar reasons, so the problem always felt like a me thing, it takes forever to try to heal from it)

All while also i was the one who took care of all of them, ALL of them, of my mother’s trauma, of my father’s abuse, of my sister projecting her abandons issues on me and my eldest that left such a ghost in our life i have no memory of despite this weigh, all while dealing with life’s problems, school, bullying, my fucking ex, and I had to think about it, i had to take a lot of responsabilities very young to stop my mother from collapsing and to try to stop my father from hurting us, and it comes back, it comes back that i should have never taken this burden to start with, and that all this burden i’ve taken is for a family who had never connected with me, never tried to and always making me feel bad for doing so, and the people i’ve villified all my life as a coping mechanism ends up making me feel a sort of homesickness i don’t even know how to express because i don’t know what it is to have a home that doesn’t hurt and no place of escape was ever actually safe.

And i want to move on, i want to move past that, i’m tired to deal with those ghosts all over and over again, it should never have happened to start with. I am so frustrated of those battles i should never have had to pick, of this responsability i’ve taken, and now between my mom just going on living her life happy go lucky leaving me to fend on my own as if she hadn’t destroyed my life and my father who keeps arguing of how much of a terrible person i am for just asking for the rightfull help my parents owe me, all while also my father keep making me feel guilty about the disconnect i have with my family, about how i’ve cut ties with everyone, that i neglect this heritage i have, so much that the timing leaps over the things i want to focus on now and i grow bitter and bitter and there’s nothing my parents aren’t always poisoning in some way or another. 

I’ve been told all my life to not mimick my eldest, hearing humiliating things about her with the constant threat of “dont be like her” and now i yearn for having understood her back then and having done like her sooner instead of trying all my life to do the extra miles to not hurt my parents again the way she hurt them, while she was right, she was right all along and i’ve villified her all my damn life while she was right and i should have done the same far earlier if i hadn’t been made to feel guilty about having this clear exemple of a way out in front of me.

And i’m tired and i’m tired and i want out i hate this life i hate every single things that brought me to that past and i have no idea what i’m doing with my life nor why i even bother trying to keep walking but i sure as hell need to at least fucking try, if only because i can’t them let win it, if only by spite of wanting to finally cut it all out and them having to live with the fact they’ve destroyed everything they ever touched. 

So the spiral downs and freakout that keep me awake lately are super fun and i fucking love that i just had a breakdown in the kitchen because I just thought about how i was given my eldest sister’s room when she left home and all the things that then followed from me never feeling at home anywhere ever, and that just a single thought about a material thing from my past suddenly brings an avalanche of bad things to remind me of all that repressed memory i refuse to acknowledge.

Im having so much fun on this tuesday night, peace out i’m tired, i’ll blast some music again now.

[ducklover52]

On the close #WorldMentalHealthDay I wanna say how proud I am of my friends going to therapy and taking care of themselves.

Also how jealous I am.

warning: this is a very long/extremely personal post. if you don’t wanna get into it, basically, I’m proud of you for going, I’m proud of you for trying, I’m jealous of your strength, of finding a good fit and sticking it out to do so. I wish us all the strength we need to ask for help (we’re not weak, but I know that it feels that way, especially when you’re deep in it), the resources to make it work, and the success of finding someone/something that works for you.

I promise, you can stop here. goodnight.

No? Then strap in because this went on tangents I wasn’t even planning on and I’ll admit I even got lost along the way. I think I picked it back up at the end but oof, it took a minute to get there and that transition isn’t good. Okay here we go:

I saw a therapist a few times during my senior year of college. My ex had started seeing one earlier. I had gone with him a couple times and he helped convince me that it was time. I had lost my mom two years earlier. I thought it would help and he said it would.

His guy wouldn't see me/didn't have time to? I don't remember what exactly the issue was. He gave me a number. I called her and we set up an initial meeting, with my ex's help. I never had the "strength" to ask for help by myself. He came with me the first couple times, just to the appointment itself-not into our meeting. I stopped asking him to go with me after a couple weeks. I was over him. I didn’t want to see him at all in my life and I hated associating him with therapy.

I didn't like my therapist. I didn't think she really understood me. I told her about feeling rejected when I didn’t get cast in the last musical of my college career. She basically said oh well. I told her about the stress I was feeling to get my requirements done. She said make a list. I had a list; I’d been checking off my degree audit since freshman year. I didn’t feel any connection. I stopped wanting to share and started feeling judged. I had always been anxious about seeing her to begin with. I stopped seeing her January before I graduated. I had to miss an appointment to go to the regional theatre festival. I never called to reschedule. It wasn’t a good fit.

I met a guy at the festival. We fell fast and hard. We both had issues. He had someone to see/talk to about it. I didn’t. I remember being jealous of having a doctor who prescribed anti-anxiety meds. I also remember him needing substances to assist the meds, or replace them when he couldn’t get his prescription refilled. I didn’t envy that. When I had had enough of being ignored, as he lived 3hrs away and I was the only one willing to make the drive, I started seeing other guys.

Or rather, I started getting really drunk at parties. The “cast party” of my only time stage managing included getting really drunk at the student conductor’s apartment and playing strip spin the bottle. Sorority parties would lead to making out with a sister’s formal date or going home with a guy I’d known since freshman year. I’d talk with them for a week or so before making up shit about not wanting to date an underclassman since I was graduating. Once I actually started dating one of them, after bonding over our parents passing away. I decided he was too good for me, especially after I had gone to visit the theatre guy one night and the next day had to drive straight from Charleston to a Chipotle date and almost ran out of gas getting there. But that was right before finals, so the timing worked for me.

Before graduating, I started rehearsing for my first post-grad show. It was community theatre near my house, my best friends were in charge, and I was just happy to get a production credit and work with my friends. A friend in the cast started making friends and I followed suit. About a month in I was dating one of the leads.We spent almost every day together. We also drank together almost every night, but we were young and didn’t think anything of it. I thought this was it. I had always wanted a showmance and I got it. We talked about our feelings, about his ADHD, how he went to therapy every week. I thought I found someone else I could really connect to. I shared how I’d struggled with my self-image all my life, how I’d tried therapy but didn’t like it, how I wanted to try again but didn’t know where to start. I thought he could help. I thought he could save me.

But three months in and a party with my high school friends tore us apart. I still don’t really know what happened that night but it threw my into a whole new depression. It didn’t help that we had just agreed on a new show to audition for together. And of course we were both cast. And he started dating another cast member. I tried not to care but I was hurt and jealous. And he kept reaching out. He said we could be friends and I was desperate for attention. When I couldn’t see him I acted out by sleeping with a friend.

He acted upset but never really cared. He told me I needed to see and talk someone to help myself move forward in life. Then he’d stop for a day or so before coming back, usually while drinking. And she found out, though it’s not like I tried to hide it (hey girl, how’s it going) cause I was selfish. When she’d had enough she called it quits. I thought maybe we could go back to before. He stopped coming around. My heart was broken all over because their relationship ending didn’t mean ours would start again.

I had gotten on tinder while I was fooling around with him. During that time. I had matched with and started talking to my now bf. I don’t think he was really looking for anything then. We’d go through slow periods where I’d doubt myself and my worth if he didn’t reply. Eventually my bf ended up ghosting me. My ex had given me the contact info for a new therapist. I’d call the number and hang up before I stopped ringing. I’d visit the website and see how much I could do without giving them my info. I was nervous to start again. I didn’t know if I could trust these people, after they guy who showed me to them had given up on me. I never did get into contact with them. 

My bf came back into my life about 5 months later. But this time when we started talking we didn’t stop. We finally started dating. When I got moody, I tried to express how I felt and why. He did a good job of expressing his feelings and telling me how much he cared. I hadn’t experienced that in a while that I was feeling so good about us. During this time, my dad was dating someone. She and her two kids moved in over that summer. Shit got complicated. She and her kids destroyed my life. I leaned on my bf as much as I could, but we were long distance. My sister had just gotten engaged and she and her then fiance were doing some premarital counseling. She had had a lot of issues coming from my dad and his then fiance and it led to us all needing to go to a session.

During the one or two we attended, my sister tried to explain how we felt about our dad’s fiancee taking over. They’d ask me to chime in and I wouldn’t be able to speak for myself. I was scared. I was still living with my dad at the time and I couldn’t be honest about what I was feeling or experiencing. I was singled out during these sessions and asked about my mental health history and things I didn’t feel comfortable discussing with or in front of my family. I shut down. I was asked to find my own help or see someone else to discuss these things. And I couldn’t get the attention off me. At the time I felt picked on and judged. Like I did when I first talked to someone in college. I felt discouraged. I was scared.

Since then I’ve been kicked out of the house I grew up in, I’ve fought with my bf about the same topics I don’t even know how many times, and I’ve had a couple of the shittiest years to date, including things that I’m still not quite ready to discuss, even in anonymity on the internet. And through this all, and what I was eventually trying to make my way back to, I’ve known that I should probably be seeing someone. I have friends who are in therapy and I’m jealous. I want the relief that comes with sharing your thoughts and feelings with someone who’s job is to help you make sense of it all. But I’ve never found that. I don’t know what it’s like. I don’t know where to find it and I don’t know where to look. And now I’m off my dad’s insurance and couldn’t even afford it if I did.

I don’t know how to end this, except to again, praise those of you are seeking the help you need/want because good for you, you deserve it! We all do. If you’re not currently seeing a professional but you want to, I wish you nothing but success in finding someone you jive with because I know it’s not just a one and done situation. And to those of you like me who don’t know how to go from here, or how to reach out, or even what you want/need, I wish you clarity to figure it out and resources to try to make it work. I hope we all get what we need and deserve in the end.

[catholicismabusedestiny]

What Happened...

12.01.1999

 Up until the age of 10 or 11, after the last child was born (and about the same time where my father came to deeply resent my “responsibility for the kids” – which was beat into me for as far back as I can remember); however, once it threatened his role or, more precisely once I started to get a voice, my father did a 180 degree turn and anything I did around the house or with the kids was not likely to get me in trouble.

I’ve spent a life-time being disappointed about various issues pertaining to my family; however, none has been as painful as the adult relationships (or lack thereof) I have with my siblings; therefore, this has been one of the top three topics discussed over 26 years of therapy and I think it’s finally coming into focus thanks to my Minister, Therapist and two close friends.

To begin with, my father’s verbal and emotional abuse is not disputed; it’s to what extent and how it was carried out which appears to be the issue people differ on.  As stated, those first 10, 11 years were the hardest of their marriage and on one another; they were untrained, ill-prepared and almost desperate at times and it was something open discussed about by relative and friends – particularly after one of many crisis’s (i.e. 6 births, the house fire, Dad’s accident, the accident the day Patty was born etc.,).  Dad would refer to that time as his “Irish luck” but, suffice it to say, those first 12 years were the most difficult for them.

During these difficult times –  before my Dad had to be cognizant of who was around and where he was before going off on me – Dad did a lot of yelling and even more criticizing.  It was during these years when he developed and began trying out his many phrases he had for me.  His unrelenting criticism and disappointment of me was not new and was widely known within the family and beyond.  Therefore, in getting back to whether he loved me unconditionally during that time I’d have to say “No, he didn’t show me unconditional love during my early childhood”.  

As a result, to those that were horrified by what I said earlier, the only thing I can say is that “you don’t know what you’re talking about!”  Moreover, his total lack of respect for me was not only felt but was picked up by all of my siblings; they all knew from the time they could walk and talk that Dad disliked Mike, makes fun of Mike and disrespects Mike; therefore, they, in turn, also disrespected me and it’s only grown worse and has even been passed down to the next generation who will not return a message from me.  They were unconscious taught to believe the things Dad said of me; then, by my mid-20’s while in therapy, I confronted my parents on the abuse and came out of the closet.

From the time I engaged in those activities, the abuse factor transferred from Dad to Mom who disapproved of everything I did or said.  Although, it was the confronting them on the abuse that she got stuck on; she knew that I knew (or remembered) those early years when all of the physical and verbal abuse was followed by screams from me wanting my Mother.  While she still blamed me for what went on, she knew that if I repeated this info to others outside the family that it would negatively reflect on her and that’s not something she could tolerate.

In fact, I think it’s that very point as to why she wanted me to visit more often, as well as all the pressure she put on me to move back to Chicago.  More to the point, however, she constantly criticized me (jobs, where I lived, what I did etc.,) and never-ever wanted to hear anything I had to say (I was not to speak with I visited UNLESS it was about kids or marriage).  She so resented me that anything she said about me was done with heavy doses of disapproval, accusations I was lying, and a consistent tone that I was not accepted, respected or approved.  

With me being gone for all of those decades, there was never anyone to comment on her accusations or to stick up for me; thus, everything was said and taken as gospel.  Ironic too that the entire reason why I stayed away (as well as all of those times when I was actually in Chicago but didn’t go home because my Mother refused to allow me to bring anyone with me when I’d visit; and, when I did visit, there were strict instructions about what I could and couldn’t say.  

Yet, each Sunday night, after I listened to 20 minutes about babies and weddings, she’d give me shit for not visiting more often AGAIN!  Finally, I obviously had to be more direct with her so I said “Mom, you wonder why I don’t visit more often or why I won’t move back and, the truth of the matter is it’s you Mom…  you refuse to allow me to bring my bf with me and then you get mad if/when anyone asks me a direct question about my volunteer work, the AID’s epidemic, gay rights etc., etc.,  So, if my significant other is banned/not welcomed and I’m prevented from talking about my passions and all of the good things I’m doing for the cause of AID’s than why would I even want to attend?”

It’s as though my Mother wants me to be present but she doesn’t want me; she wants me at 19 or 20 – before I came out.  “I cannot flip-on or flip-off my life just because you don’t like it…”   Moreover, because of this dichotomy between who I am and what my Mother wants me to be, I return home from these visits and fall into a deep depression knowing that I’m not accepted (or respected) for who I am. My friends are well acquainted with the depths of those depression episodes after I visit Chicago and, thus, will give me a few days to myself when I return but, after that, they go all out to force me out of that state of funk.

It wasn’t all that long ago when someone referred to the unconditional love one receives from their father and I stated that I was “unsure” about that; you’d thought I said “Kill All The Babies!”  Immediately, my sister and her husband became extremely upset with me and, as such, I became quite irritated with them.

I’m unsure what “con” was played on them while I was gone for 30 years but, one thing is certain:

Ø  None of them were around for the first 7 – 8 years of my life; therefore, they have absolutely no idea what took place. Accordingly, I deeply resent anyone telling me what I relive in my bed on a daily basis is not true.

Ø  Yes, I did carry around a lot of guilt for decades that Dad’s temper, behavior and his anger ridden tirades were - in some way - my fault (as both of my parents attempted to allege which, in and of itself, every therapist states is abuse).  Furthermore, over the years, Therapists have continually stated that I was not responsible for Dad’s behavior or conduct in any way, shape of form.

§  All of this changed permanently, however, on January 12, 2012 when Uncle Chuck asked me “How was your childhood?” That pandora’s box opened up a whole host of bad things that my father had done to me before I was 18 months old.

§  It was further shaped by the very odd or weird things some of Mom and Dad’s life-long friends and extended family members said to me as I became the point person for the dissemination of information re: My Parents Health.

·         As they became more comfortable with me – especially since most of them hadn’t spoken to me in decades; and, overtime, I heard things such as: “it’s so good you’re here for your parents now given some of the things that happened in the past...”  OR “your Dad was so hard on you growing up; I’m so glad to see that you’re doing well and that you and your father have resolved things…”  OR “Mike, I’m proud of you, you’ve been able to put the past behind you and are now working to help your parents…   given some of the things that occurred, that’s quite impressive…”

·         What I came to realize (or actually remember), any neighbors we had on either Quincy or Thurlow would have (and did) hear, listen and witness things that they’ve not forgotten.  I knew that in the summer, with the windows open, that neighbors 10’ away would have heard the loud arguments and much more since my blue bedroom (where most of the physical and verbal abuse took place) was < 10’ from our neighbor to the North on Quincy.  On Thurlow, when I was older and learned to always sit near an entrance, I would run outside every time Dad would blow up so his verbal abuse from across the street was legendary.  Each time he’d throw me out, disown me and tell the world that I was not his son and that I was just a huge embarrassment that he was ashamed of, was all done outside where everyone around heard and listened.  Moreover, Dad’s favorite put-downs and “phrases” such as “you’re worthless and will never amount to anything” were (at least during those first 10 – 12 years when we were on Quincy) said to me at any time and anywhere; it didn’t matter is cousins or Aunt and Uncles were around; although, after about 12 years (or about the time we moved to Thurlow), Mom had been influential in getting Dad to stop saying certain things about the kids outside of our immediate family, thus, he was coached on how bad his behavior reflected upon him and he became more cognizant of who was present when he’d go off.

Ø  Therefore, between my bad dreams, my memories, those repressed memories retrieved via hypnosis, countless therapist opinions, my Minister (actually two of those), dozens of self-help books and self-actualization seminars/workshops/courses on being your best and being yourself and more than 3,000 diary entries, I believe I know who I am and I remain very disappointed that my siblings cannot see how their everyday actions of excluding me, not showing me respect and accusing me of lying are all actions intended to provide cover for Mom and Dad’s conduct and behavior.

§  What they don’t see is that I don’t blame out parents; however, they’d have to go through my writings to understand why I believe that’s true and that my actual intent for talking about any of these things is not only to seek truth and knowledge but to break down barriers, demonstrate how much of what went on was handed down from the previous generation and that the ONLY thing I want to ensure is that the dysfunctional, negative, critical and homophobic attitudes DO NOT get handed down to my nieces and nephews.  Mom would ask “why do you bring that up?”  “Mom, I bring it up because no one has brought it up previously, thus, it becomes engrained and passed down to the next generation.  I DO NOT WANT ANY NIECE OR NEPHEW TO GO THROUGH EVEN SOME OF WHAT I DID; I WANT THEM TO FEEL BUILT-UP, NOT TORN DOWN!!

[rebelliousrejects]

Mormon Girls Camp-Shayla

So I’ve been in this relationship with this guy named Jose from the Spanish ward in my stake aka Silver Spring Stake MD, well since July 13. People in that ward kinda disapproved of me being his gf some people there actually liked me. Well since I was the only white girl who would actually go talk to them and try to be their friend unlike other people in my stake who were mostly white. This stake is in two counties Prince Georges County which other counties in Maryland except Baltimore like to say it’s ghetto and trashy; and the other county is Montgomery which is nicer apparently and full of the white Mormons. My stake is mostly from Montgomery, so we have more white people in our stake then other races. But remind you again Me (Shayla) and this band are from PG where there’s barely any white people there which is quite nice to me, I like the POC here anyways. They’ve always accepted me. When I met the Spanish ward kids I felt more accepted in the church because they were like how I’m used to at home and before in the  church, I never felt accepted at all.

Well here comes girls camp....

First Day:

The girls ask me at the stake center while we were waiting for the bus if me and Jose were really going out. I said yes and some showed awws and some showed me disgusted looks. Then I try to ignore it and we change the subject, then I keep getting this vibe that I’m not being accepted by some of them which gets me feeling in a deep depression and makes me have a lot of anxiety on what I’m doing wrong. The girl who gives this vibe off to me the most is named “Ally” or “Alejandra”. Me and her were always friends but ever since this year I’ve felt like she hates me. On the bus no one sits with me so I’m glad with that because I have an anxiety attack. But I hide myself in my pillow so I don’t get called an “Attention Seeker”. Some of the Spanish girls asked if I was ok and I lied and said “Yes I’m ok” while hiding myself in my pillow. I then pull out my blade but quickly hide it from everyone else as we go in the Taco Bell to use the bathroom. When it became my turn to use the bathroom, I locked the door and basically self harmed my feelings away. I put the blade away and but I accidentally left some of my blood in there;but no one noticed it. I end up hiding my face until camp. At camp, I was already done dealing with people. So around night time I’m wearing my night gown “I’ll start working when my coffee does”... All of my friends at camp were POC....Yea btw Sophie isn’t my friend tbh...So my friends were saying I looked nice while everyone else just gave me death stares for wearing it. I actually got into a argument with a Molly that night about it...really pissed me off so i was like Fuck you to her.... So it’s night time, I’m in my tent with Alejandra,America,and Yenny. They are all in the same ward as my bf. So they were talking about my bf little did I know that my bf used to have a major crush on America to the point he texted America’s mother saying that he was deeply in love with her. But apparently her dad always is outside the sunday school room so he doesn’t talk to her. Hearing that made me so insecure so I texted him asking him about it, he seem confused so I ended that convo...

2nd Day:

It was the service project/Hike. I was with my friend Elena and Mimi who were 3rd years and btw I was a 4th Year. We basically had to walk and pick up trash but the head of camp was supposed to be my step mother but this lady Sister Willis threw a pity party to not get released so they were supposed to be sharing it. But it turned out that Sister Willis like over stepped my step mother. Btw she is Sophie’s mother. She always hated me but she also didn’t like the spanish girls. This was the first day my anger started to build up. We had to make our own dinner this day, so I didn’t eat any of it because well I didn’t like it. Also in the morning I drank coffee i brought and I shared some with Elena. Also during the day my step mother heard that Sophie (the other white girl in my year aka very molly) was saying to her older sister Lucy who was our WCL that we weren’t up to her level and that she was sick of us. So her mom of course let her sleep in with the WCLs Madelyn and Icky (The only POC WCL at camp). Lucy was like me a bit with the mental issues. Lucy was also trashed by her mom behind her back to her sisters at camp. But Lucy slept outside in a canopy.  I went and told the girls what Sophie said and we were all mad about it. At that point it was like we all hated Sophie and Madelyn. The reason Madelyn was because she was a bitchy WCL and did was Sophie did and treated us less than her. Icky hated them too. Icky and me met like when I was a 2nd year. She was fun we ended up swindling a leader out of 20$.

3rd Day comes:

Me and Elena we are just getting really tired of people at this point. Like from the drama from the girls or from the leaders. In the early of the day we both had anxiety attacks but she coughs up blood. But I ended up self harming. The nurse who is Dominican helps us both and we talk with her. Me and her both walk to the dock to talk, We discuss my issues. When I get back to camp I get yelled at by my leader to where i was and I was like I was with the nurse. At this point I get really upset and pissed cause they’re like cherry picking me. So me and Elena were able to skip the talk at night and stuff and we ended up being bad and fucking things up. Also we learned that day that Ally doesn’t like anyone at all that she just likes to trash people ever since her parents got a divorce.

4th day comes:

So it’s around dinner time and it starts pouring and thundering after we went to the pool. Remind you this at the pool I’ve cussed so much that day in front of Sister Willis cause i didn’t care anymore. I went with Elena to her tent to help her move her and everyone else’s stuff away from the walls in the tents. While I was doing that a leader yells “Is Shayla in there?” I go “Yes but I’m helping Elena with her stuff” then they go rudely which pisses me off “ WELL WE DON’T CARE ABOUT ELENA, YOU NEED TO BE AT STAKE” Right at that moment they fucked up and i yelled back “WELL IF YOU DON’T CARE ABOUT ELENA THEN I DON’T CARE ABOUT YOU OR ANYONE ELSE DOWN THERE. YOU ALL CAN GO FUCK YOURSELVES. I DON’T CARE ANYMORE FUCK YOU ALL!” After that Elena and me go to the bathroom to stay there. My step mother is in there but she turns out to be in there with Sister Willis’s oldest daughter back from her mission. And I’m just telling my step mother why I’m so pissed and she tells Elena to stay with me in the bathroom to cool down. But the major problem was that leaders kept coming in the bathroom along with the WCLs that I hated telling me i have to be at stake. They like came right at the moment when i was about to be calmed down. The 7th leader that came in the bathroom with her older daughter to tell me that I need to be at stake I just flipped out on them saying “LOOK YOU GUYS NEED TO LEAVE US THE FUCK ALONE! CAUSE IF YOU GUYS KEEP COMING IN HERE TELLING ME THAT I GOTTA BE AT STAKE IMA END UP CUSSING EVERYONE ELSE OUT! IM ALREADY ON THE EDGE OF SNAPPING!” The leaders left mortified and in shock. Elena was there with me trying to calm me down. Strangers from the camps near us also helped me calm down and i told them what happened.

last day comes:

Still pouring and I was done with everyone’s shit. The girls took my phone and the next day try to tell my bf i tried to expose him. He believed me but he couldn’t take the drama so he dumped me. But he told me he still loves me. The end and this was my worst year at camp.... -_-

[firebunnylover]

Hannah Watches LOSH - Man of Tomorrow

This is my start on what will be a one episode-per-post re-watch and review/analysis of Legion of Superheroes. I am going to go through all the episodes of both seasons, and when I finish the show, I will also go into the comics afterward. I will try to aim for once a week at minimum, but that depends on school. The reviews will be made while I’m watching, with much pausing and commentary being made and screenshots being shown, and a final word at the end on both the episode overall and the characters.

I will also be comparing my view when I first saw the episode vs now. Also please keep in mind I did not start with the first episode when it aired. And these will all have my opinion alone, and if you have any feedback/comments you want to give, go ahead ^^

So, let’s start of with the first episode.

Man of Tomorrow

So we first get the preview of the Legion fighting the Fatal Five before cutting to Clark Kent during his last night in Smallville before going to Metropolis.

Watching this again, it struck me that Clark probably didn’t get the best support from his parents on the super power part.

What do I mean? Ma Kent said “Just please be careful. Remember Clark, your not like the rest of us.” Which he replies with “I know.” Now in the animated show most people are familiar with, the superpowers came into being around high school. But his parents seemed to have handled it rather well, as does Clark in the end, and he is given a device that has a message from his birth parents to give him an explanation. But here that’s not the case. I think it’s more likely that the parents were less ready to deal with superpowers, and god, given Clark didn’t know squat about Krypton as evident in the comics that tied into the show – will go into that eventually, who knows how well Clark was dealing with the powers when they first came up. Probably much worse than in the Superman animated series.

Speaking of parents, noticed that Pa was not in the episode. Where is he? Is he dead in this version? Ho geeze, adds to the stress the poor guy must be under.

And then we get our time bubble trio aka TBT: Brainiac 5, Saturn Girl, and Bouncing Boy. I wonder what the decision process was behind them. Which will be discussed in a bit.

Cutting back to the fair, we get more evidence of Clark not dealing the best way with his powers after a Jock taunts him and his physical abilities. He is getting ready to toss the ball, recalls Ma’s words. And god, the facial expressions now have the ability to pick apart my heart now.

Just. Ow.

And then comes the trope-tastic faulty Ferris wheel. I bet Grunkle Stan branched out to this fair.

And then we get back to the TBT. What do you mean food on a stick is not normal?! WHAT DO YOU DO FOR POPCICLES?! COTTON CANDY?! CANDY APPLES?!

Wait, how did he get that food? Was it samples? Or did the trio steal it?

I couldn’t help but snicker at Brainy’s and Saturn Girl’s expression at Bouncing Boy. Imma have to go with “stealing”

Also, what performance would the TBT be part of? I mean, I understand cosplay at a convention, but they look a little off the mark at the fair for me. But I would totally pay money to see that performance.

And it happens.

The beginning of what was one of the many triggers in many for shipping a gay ship.

When I first watched this show, I was in elementary. I was having some curiosity towards gay ships – I was in a very heavy weeabo state, and especially into CLAMP’s manga, which is filled with LGBT characters. I was also going through a bit of a religious phase, and my parents aren’t the most accepting people, especially back then. So I was scared by possibly shipping anything that wasn’t deemed right. I wouldn’t go bashing in public, but I wouldn’t confide with others. I wouldn’t really support the LGBT community until high school.

But now, I can fully appreciate the show and what it tried to do. The storyboards probably have more representation for the LGBT community by far, but still, I will take what I can get with this show… THAT’S A LIE I WANT THOSE STORYBOARDS.

Gotta appreciate the dramatic music that comes with the scene as well.

Look at those two concerned guardians.

Now back to Clark.

Given my earlier talk with him and his powers… THIS BOY MUST HAVE HAD A HEART ATTACK WHEN BOUNCING BOY SPOKE TO HIM. HE WAS CAUGHT. YET HE GOES “EVERYTHING IS FINE HERE,” AND PROCEEDS TO SWOOP IN WHEN THE THING STARTS TO FALL APART. KUDOS TO MY BOY IN HOLDING HIMSELF TOGETHER.

GRUNKLE STAN YOU HAVE A LOT OF EXPLAINING ON THE STATE OF THAT FERRIS WHEEL.

Saturn Girl, I don’t think now is the time for intros.

Pfft, BB is confused by this as well, to the point where his animation is a wee bit off.

And then he proceeds to walk behind Clark and… what’s the best word for this…

 WHAT A PRECIOUS FACE THAT FOLLOWS THAT SILLY BOING NOISE. AND THE WAY HE SAYS “help?” AFTERWARDS IS SO CUTE. EXPRESSIONS IN THIS EPISODE ARE SO GOOD.

I never realized how big Bouncing Boy could get.

Clark starts to nope out, and Saturn Girl said she did the same thing when she saw Bouncing Boy to do that as well.

And cue more internal panicking for Clark.

So, did Saturn Girl like did the whole fair a mind wipe, or just the guys who were witnesses?

More gayness, both sides.

And Clark has a gay panic.

Which will eventually turn into “I’m not Straight” in the future. I’ve been through that phase my boy.

Saturn Girl looks like a mom here, telling the kids to stop flirting atm.

Oh man, Clark asking them not to tell anyone about the super power thing. What a heart breaker.

“It’s okay. We know all about you.”

Wow, great conversation starter B5, totally not sounding like a stalker.

BRAINY WHY DID YOU CUT OFF BOUNCY?! JEALOUSY?! LOOK AT THESE GOSHDARN EXPRESSIONS.

Good job B5, weirded out your crush.

At least Saturn Girl knows saying “Coming to the future” sounds crazy.

“Clark!”

“Wait!”

Oof. My heart at his voice.

And Cool Mom has to step in.

He looks like a kicked dog at this frame.

Let us appreciate how immediately when Saturn Girl says “Let’s just give him some time,” the episodes is edited so that they show up in the kitchen at his house.

So Saturn Girl has a coffee mug, Bouncing Boy has pie, and nothing for the green child. Oh, and embarrassment for Clark.

Well, okay, B5 kinda looks like an angry kid who’s upset their BF is an hour late to the date.

And the introduction the do at the home seems to be much smoother at the fair. Think they did rehearsals waiting for Clark to get home? Did they switch out constantly? And how far did B5 take his crush with the rehearsals?

But Clark defiantly has a lot of self-doubt at the idea of him being a super hero. He uses his powers for good, but he definitely lacks the confidence that he’s good enough for it. He laughs it off at first, then seems a little angry and scared at how much they knew about his powers. Reminds me now of Yuuri Katsuri. And given how little confidence I have had in the last few years about myself, I can further appreciate him now than what I did back then.

Clark was very tempted in coming at “Come with us and you won’t have to hide them anymore.” It’s like getting a safe place to come out, finally, after years of being told that it’s safer to hide himself. Further more appreciative with time for me.

Wow, B5 looks so demanding here.

(Where did they keep that time bubble tho?? It just appeared out of nowhere?)

I kinda laughed at the part where Ma goes “Take a sweater!” then comes down stairs, confused at what he said. “Future?”

I like the atmosphere of New Metropolis in this show. Good use of complementary colors in this shot.

AND THANK ****ING GOD LOOK AT TRIPLICATE GIRL IN HD HER SKIN IS DARKER

I CRY BLOOD AT THE FACT THAT THE FACT SHE WAS SUPPOSE TO BE MUCH DARKER AND THEN SHE CAME OUT SO PALE IN SD QUALITY THANK GOD FOR HD

Granted the concept art of her gave her darker skin but SHE’S SO BEAUTIFUL WITH DARK SKIN

And here we have Queen Sinnamon Roll and Lighting Trash Baby, who PG proceeds to sass out with an eye roll and reality, and then has Trips back her up. Positive female friendships, that’s an instant gold star.

What a jealous baby, getting phased through and shoved aside. Thinking back to the jock we saw earlier, I find it interesting that Lightning Lad was made to fit that image on the first episode. Interesting move. Perhaps it was to show the character development as we went along?

The girls look so disappointed that the skinny Superman came out instead of some muscular guy. Personally, I prefer the skinny Superman design. Muscular guys just don’t seem as attractive to me as often. Might have something to do with that I find myself attracted to girls more often. But I love all girls, and buff girls are on the list of those I am weak for, so I’m just further confused. Maybe I just need another 10 years to figure this one out.

And when Lightning Lad proceeds to poke fun at B5 and Clark…

Brainy looks like a cat who is planning his demise. I had cats for a little over ten years. I know this look. Brainy is giving him the look that says he will murder him in his sleep. Painfully.

And then Lightning Lad proceeds to be a jerk, doing the last thing Clark needs: degrading him on his powers. After everything I talked about earlier, this hurts me in the hard. Trash Baby will be sent to the garbage pit as required.

We cut to the Superman museum, where Saturn Girl brings Clark to speed what’s going on, explaining who the Fatal Five are.

While watching this episode, I realized how much emotional support and guidance Saturn Girl provided for those in need – particularly B5 and Clark in this one. And she doesn’t seem to need to read their minds to figure out what they are feeling. So really, that is really thought provoking. Maybe she studied psychology or hosts therapy groups. In any case, it makes her far more interesting as a person.

I’m kind of interested to see what the military forces were like in this show’s universe, given that they were deemed not available for help against the Fatal Five. How restricted are they? Is there restrictions based on international laws? And as for the Science Police… well, I’m going to discuss that in a future episode.

Okay so tallying up the other legionnaires who were mentioned when the code red was sent out. Shrinking Violet was undercover, Colossal Boy is on Rawl (did I spell that right?), while Cosmic Boy, the leader, is at the outpost, where it is commented he won’t make it on time. Good god, they were spread thin. Just how much shit is going on elsewhere?! Just leave less than ten people at the HQ where one of the biggest problems will find them. NOT A PROBLEM AT ALL.

So the Fatal Five show up, and at least the police try to do something, but still get their asses kicked. A for effort.

And what does Clark do when confronted with his first Comic Villain fight? At first he seems like he’s running away. Leaving the Legion to get their butts kicked. But instead he’s getting the costume, and tries to fly. He’s taking a step forward to define himself as someone who can help. He’s becoming Superman.

But how did that costume just suddenly adjust to the tinier frame? Krypton Science?

And what about his hair? It changed too! It just popped out that signature curl!

Regarding the fight, there are several things I noticed: Triplicate Girl can be forcibly merged back into one singular being, and all three of her can carry Persuader and PG with the ax. Validus chased Bouncing Boy like a dog, which was kind of funny. Lightning Lad abandons his original opponent during fight to go help his teammates, and manages to resist for a while. And then he gave Superman tips in fighting. Saturn Girl is the first to break out of the control, and uses her powers to free the others. B5 has strong robot muscles (what’s the mechanical equivalent?)

Also, I think I should thank this episode for giving the idea of the ax for a weapon in the SU AU i work with, since she got to hold it several times in the episode.

Now regarding the villains, honestly the only one who I find of any interest is Emerald Empress. She was just so causal to Superman when she sees him in costume, and sounded disappointed at the small number of the people who came to confront her team, which gives her some character. Also, I heard somewhere that she is a lesbian. If anyone has a source that can confirm, I would appreciate it so much, cuz I need more queer ladies in my life.

Post fight, Lighting Lad says he knew Superman could do it, only to get the look from everyone. Karma much?

And we see sad Brainy when he says Superman has to go home.

But then Superman is the one who proposes he stays.

And as one last boot to the episode, Superman steals what Lightning Lad’s spot during flight with Brainy’s help. Continuing Karma on the trash baby.

So final thoughts on the episode overall.

It’s a good start the first season, definitely. But I feel there could be better execution. Like the first bit can get people to think that the fight happened before the Legion went to fetch Superman. Like only some of them managed to get away from the Fatal Five, and realize they need help in rescuing the rest of the Legion. That would be more interesting for a first episode, to me anyway.

Villains could have used more development.

Maybe seeing a bit more of the life back at Smallville would have been nice as well.

And how did that decision for the Time Bubble Trio/TBT go? I know B5 probably demanded to go, justifying he was the one who built the device. And wanted to see Superman first. But why Saturn Girl and Bouncing Boy? Did they draw stick, or was it based on the idea that they are probably the most responsible of the group? TELL ME~

But given what we got, I love it. The members of the legion are fun to watch, and it’s a good take on the younger Superman, and the interpretation I got out of the episode was so much deeper than what I got when I was younger.

And kudos out to the staff in trying to squeeze that gay stuff in.

Characters in this episode:

I really like Superman/Clark’s personality here. I can relate to it now better than how I did when I was younger. And now the experience seems like a parallel to finding a safe place to come out. Gold. Star.

Brainiac 5 was nice to see, crushing on Superman. We discover more of him personality wise later on, but it’s so good to see the gay game getting on this early.

Saturn Girl – god I love how she’s so emotionally aware of others in parts of this episode. This girl is definitely someone I would talk to during a hard time.

Lightning Lad… thank god for later character development. He’s a lovable brat here, but needs that character development stat.

Bouncing Boy is a delight. Such goodness in a person. An early-version of Hunk from Voltron. Good emotional support as well.

Seeing the sass that just oozes from Phantom Girl is a joy. My beautiful daughter.

And Triplicate Girl… THANK GOD YOU ARE NOT AS PALE HERE IN HD AS YOU WERE IN SD. I feel that we could have seen more of her and PG, but I really love how they got along in the HQ before the TBT got back.

The villains. Not much to say other than what I said about Empress earlier and that they needed development overall. Sorry.

Well, that’s all for this episode! Hope this was a good read for you all! lemme know if i should put any under a Read More bar.

[of-course-i-dont-love-him]

I’m Not My Parents(Hugo Weasley)

Request: So half the things I request are never published or never tagged or something. But can you do a Hugo Weasley x reader (if you don't do next gen then James Potter) where he finally, after lots of convincing, got his girlfriend (or bf) to visit his family over Christmas break. And because they're the child of an ex-death eater they kinda insult her(him). And so Hugo goes to comfort her (s)he runs off and they see them both asleep all cuddly and stuff and the family kinda accepts it. Fluff.

A/N: Shoutout to @katie27hp for first of all requesting this and then secondly giving me a wonderful description of Hugo. 💚 I don’t know much about Hugo Weasley, obviously, so it may not be how you expect it. And because this is me making my own interpretations, reader and Hugo are in Hufflepuff. Deal with it. Sorry in advance for any and all typos/errors. 

Y/N~ your name L/N~ last name M/N~ mum/mom’s name D/N~ dad’s name

“Oh, come on, Y/N. My parents would love to have you over for Christmas,” Hugo pressed. You looked up from your book to see your boyfriend of two years giving you puppy-dog eyes. He wrapped his arms tightly around you.  “I dunno... They probably won’t like me,” you sighed.  “Why would you think that?” He curiously asked. You look away a bit. “Y/N if you think it’s because your parents were Death Eaters, you’re wrong.” You look back at him and smile. He grins a goofy grin. His yellow tie was loose and poorly tied. You leaned back a bit and adjusted his tie to make him more presentable. “You’re adorable,” he chuckled.  “Thanks,” you blushed. “Hey, how about we go study for the Charms exam?”  “Okay,” he sighed. You walked to the library, hand in hand, talking about Charms, but you knew in the back of your mind that Hugo wouldn’t let it go. 

Throughout the next few months, Hugo continued to bring up Christmas break. You could tell he was just waiting for you to finally say yes. But he was also a bit impatient. And stubborn.  “What’ll it take to convince you to come stay? Even just for a day?” He begged one night a couple weeks before the semester was over. You sighed.  “Hugo...” You start, reaching for a book on a tall shelf. He easily reaches up and grabs it for you. You mutter thanks. “Look, I’m thinking about it,” you say. His eyes light up. “Really? You’re not kidding me?” He asks.  “That’s not a yes,” you warn.  “Yet. It’s not a yes, yet. And it’s still not a no.” He grins before pecking you on the lips.  “Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whatever,” you say, rolling your eyes. The truth was, you had to ask your parents. That was twice as scary as actually staying over break. You’d written them the other day and knew it’d probably take at least a couple more days for them to decide and write back. Seeing as your parents were on opposite sides of the war as Hugo’s parents, you almost knew the answer would be a no. You hated letting Hugo get his hopes up that maybe you’d say yes. Genuinely, you would after seeing how excited he was. 

It was a week later when you got the letter from your parents. The final yes or no. The envelope landed by your breakfast when Hugo was telling you a story about something. He was really into it, using hand movements to better express himself. Watching him, he looked very cute. He was usually quieter and wouldn’t draw much attention to himself.  You slipped the letter into your bag without him noticing and smiled as he clearly altered the story. 

Later, you were alone in your dorm and pulled out the letter. 

Dear Y/N,          We understand you would like to spend time with your boyfriend over break. After much discussion and careful consideration, we have decided that for the first week of break you can stay with Hugo and his family. A letter every day must be sent in order to assure us of your safety. We expect you to find your own way to get home, however.        Sincerely, M/N and D/N

You stared at the letter. Then you reread it. And then again. Running out of your dorm to the Common Room, you almost left the letter in your room. You found Hugo in front of a fire, drinking hot cocoa. Calming yourself, you sat down on the couch next to him. He smiled at you before handing you the cup. You took a sip and handed it back to him.  “What’s up?” He asked. “Wrong question,” you said. His eyebrows furrowed together. “What?” “Wrong question,” you repeated.  “What are you talking about?” “Still not the right question.” “Y/N, what’s going on?” He questioned. You shook your head. “Wha... Give me a hint.” “You wouldn’t stop bugging me about this. For, like, days on end,” you explained. He looked at you for a minute before realizing.  “Wait... Are you... Are you serious?” He asked. You handed him the letter you’d received. He read it. Once. Twice. Three times. The fourth time you ripped it out of his hands.  “Yes! Yes! I’m saying yes!” You exclaimed. A few people looked over at you curiously. You giggled as Hugo enveloped you in a hug. 

The entire ride to Kings Cross you can’t stop fidgeting. First, you were messing with the page of the book you were attempting to read, then you were playing with the window lock. It was when you started twisting and ruffling your skirt that Hugo grabbed your hands and stopped you.  “Relax. It’s alright. My parents will love you,” he assured. You glanced up at him nervously.  “And what if they don't?” You asked.  “Then screw them! Y/N, I love you and there’s nothing they can do to change that,” he exclaimed.  You blushed at his words. “Okay... Okay...” You took a deep breath and sighed. “Okay...”

When the train pulled into the station you knew your parents wouldn’t be there since Hugo’s parents were taking you to their house. Your nerves spiked up again. First, you saw his mum, Hermione, standing tall in her dark suit. Her hair pulled back into a perfect bun. She’s not intimidating at all, you thought, sarcastically. Then there was Hugo’s dad, Ron. He looked exactly like an older Hugo with redder hair. Something about him seemed soft and kind until he looked over at you and you could see the judgment in his eyes. The least observant person would notice the way he seemed to question your morality.  “So, mum, dad. This is my girlfriend, Y/N,” Hugo introduced, almost as nervous as you.  “Hi,” you greeted. Hermione held her hand out and you copied, shaking her hand.  “Hello, dear,” she said with a smile.  Ron glanced at you, questioningly. He slowly held his hand out and you took it in an awkward handshake. “Yes, nice to meet you,” he said after a moment. He seemed to think you were going to blast him or something. Hugo’s sister, Rose, walked up with a smile on her face until she saw you. She seemed to turn her nose up in disgust.  “Oh. Hey, Y/N,” she said, unenthusiastically. Then she turned her back to you and completely ignored you. Your head fell a little, discouraged. Hugo took your hand and comforted you.  “It’s okay, she just doesn’t know you, yet,” he whispered, leaning close to press a kiss to the side of your head. You smiled at him, but were still nervous. Hugo kept a hold of your hand as you walked with his family. They stopped to talk with Harry Potter and Ginny. Their kids were close by. You tried to hide behind Hugo a bit, hoping they wouldn’t notice you, but of course, Albus Severus did.  “Hi, Y/N! What’re your plans for the holiday?” He asked, bringing the attention to you. You slowly stood next to Hugo so everyone could see you. They all seemed to be waiting fro your response.  “I’m staying with the Granger-Weasleys for a week, but that’s it,” you answered, quietly.  “What’s your name?” Harry asked after a moment.  “Y/N L/N,” you answered, looking away. Harry and Ginny had shocked faces, James Sirius looked at you with confusion and the same questioning look that Ron had given you. Lily Luna watched to see what you’d do, but didn’t seem to think you were going to kill everyone. Albus smiled at you. A real, genuine, encouraging smile.  After several moments of awkward silence--which felt like ages--somebody finally mumbled something and the topic of conversation shifted.  “Oh! Look at the time! We’ll have to get going before we’re late,” Ginny said, checking her watch. The group dispersed as the Potters went one way and you went with the Granger-Weasleys in the opposite direction. 

The car ride to their house was quiet and awkward. A tension seemed to settle in the air that you knew was only present because of you. When you got to their house Ron levitated your stuff out of the trunk of the car into the house. They had a nice-sized house on the outskirts of a village. Neighbors were spread out and a woodsy area covered the land behind the house.  “There’s a clearing in the woods where we can practice quidditch without being seen,” Hugo told you as you followed him into the house.  “That’s cool. I imagine your dad takes you out there a lot?” You assume.  “Yeah,” he chuckles. “Everyday when we were younger.”  “We’ve set up an extra bed in Rose’s room for Y/N to use while she stays here,” Hermione says to you and Hugo.  “Of course, Mrs. Weasley,” you said with a polite nod. She smiled at you. Maybe she would like you after all. Hugo tried to hide the grin spreading across his face. She nodded at left to the kitchen.  “Wait, you’re making her share a room with me?” Rose asks, upset. You look away.  “Is there a problem?” Hermione counters. Rose scoffs and glares at you. Hugo tugs your hand and leads you upstairs. You sit on his bed with him. He kisses the side of your head.  “You okay?”  “I dunno,” you mumble, too quietly to be heard.  “What?” He asks, softly. His head gently knocks against yours.  “I dunno...” You say a bit louder.  “How can you not know if you’re okay?” He jokes.  “I dunno...” You repeat, rolling your eyes.  “But seriously, are you okay?” “I’m perfect as long as I have you,” you answer after a moment. Hugo looks at you seriously for a moment. “What?” You ask.  “That’s really sweet,” he says, hugging you tighter.  “Hugo! . . . I can’t breathe!” You yelp. His grip on you loosens a bit, but not much. 

Over the next couple days Rose glared at you and said rude things under her breath, Ron cautiously watched you, Hermione mostly ignored your existence, and Hugo continuously reassured you that they didn't hate you. On the third day you were staying at the Weasleys’, you all went to Hugo’s grandparents’ house. Almost all of Hugo’s aunts, uncles, and cousins were at the house along with a few family friends. Everyone gave you weird looks. With the exception of Scorpius and Albus. But people were giving Scorpius weirds looks, too, so that wasn't that reassuring.  You were about to walk into the kitchen when you overheard your name.  “What is Hugo doing, hanging out with Y/N?” Someone asked.  “I truly don’t know. If he were smart he’d stop. It makes our family look bad that he’s dating a death-eaters child.” That was definitely Rose.  “And Albus is always with Scorpius. People might start to think we agreed with Voldemorts stupid plan.” Someone else said.  “I think Y/N’s just tricking Hugo. Making him fall in love and do something horrible to him.” “Like what?” “I dunno. Maybe kidnap him for ransom. Maybe get him to believe in all that blood purity crap.” “I’ll bet Y/N’ll blow up the house while everybody’s sleeping.” “I think Y/N isn’t going to doing anything extravagant except break his heart.” You backed away from the doorway as they continued to come up with horrible things they thought you might do. Hugo came down the stairs and saw your horrified face.  “What’s wrong?” He asked, stepping closer to you. You backed away from him before running out the front door. You didn’t know where to run to, so you went to the makeshift quidditch pitch and hid behind the broom shed.  When you sat down with your back against the wall you couldn’t take it anymore. You broke down. After a minute or two, Hugo found you crying.  “Hey, hey, hey. It’s okay,” he said, sitting next to you and pulling you close to him. “Shh...shh...it’s okay,” he mumbled as sobs wracked your body. “What’s wrong?” You start to tell him what's wrong, but you just sob more. You hide your face in his shoulder to muffle your cries. He lets you cry it out and calmly waits for you to stop crying.  “Your...your cousins were t-talking about m-me...” You start. Hugo watches you with all his attention. “Th-they said they think I’m just tricking you and I'm gonna... g-gonna k-kill... k-kill you in y-your sleep or br-break your heart... They think I believe the d-dumb blood-purity s-stuff.” “Oh, my... I’m gonna kill them all. I... Look, Y/N. I thought they would at least give you a chance. I’m so sorry. I know you’re not like that, okay? Y/N I... I thought if they’d at least give you a chance, they’d love you... Not as much as I love you, though.” You look up at Hugo, who was watching you anxiously.  You press a gentle kiss to his lips. “I love you, too,” you mumble against his lips. He smiles as he kisses you again.  “We should go back now, probably,” he says. “Dinner will be ready soon.” “Can we stay here for a bit?” You ask, wrapping your arms around him to cuddle.  “Of course.” His arms pull you closer to him and you both slowly fall asleep. 

“Hugo? Where you at? Hugo?” Ron and Hermione called. They walked together out to the quidditch pitch. “Hugo?” They were about to head back to the house and look somewhere else when Hermione noticed something had stomped down some weeds by the broom shed.  “Wait, Ron?” Hermione said.  “What?” Ron asked, turning back around.  “I think someone’s been back here,” she says, walking towards the back of the shed. Ron followed her. They saw Y/N and Hugo, cuddled together, asleep. Hermione’s face was unreadable, but Ron seemed almost disgusted at first. A smile slowly spread across Hermione’s face and Ron couldn’t help but enjoy how happy his son looked.  “I guess we’re just going to have to accept the fact that Y/N’s staying around for a while, aren’t we?” Ron said, eventually.  “We?” Hermione questioned.  “Yeah, you know, me and Rose.” Hermione laughed and rolled her eyes.  “Guess we’ll just leave them be for now,” she said before walking back towards the house. Ron stared at his son for a moment. Then Y/N. He sighed before joining Hermione in the walk back to the house.