#high as fuck and ive been cry laughing at this for the past 5 minutes

[fiyrball6063]

[ceilingfan5]

for the au thing i don’t know if it counts but i want more facts about the teacher au

you’re INDULGING ME I KNOW THIS but im gonna LET YOU bc i CARE SO MUCH ABOUT THIS AU

LET’S GO

1. taako never intended to be a teacher, he just sort of fell into it bc of a job he had in college, and then he started subbing and he was like. oh shit. oh. oh man. i could do this. and SWITCHED HIS DEGREE AT LIKE THE LAST MINUTE AND HAD TO DO A LOT MORE SCHOOL but he was SO MUCH FUCKING HAPPIER

2. part of the reason he got into it tho is that he was considered a “challenging kid” and he has So Many complaints about his teachers throughout the years. of which there were many bc he and lup got shifted around so fucking much, which didnt help with him being an absolute little shit who just needed someone to notice he needed support

3. he had a whole ass identity crisis when he student taught, and he was so scared, like. am i gonna fuck these kids up?? am i going to ruin their tiny little futures??? he actually started in middle school and went younger when he Had To Get Out of a job and he was like fuck it it’s only one year, i can find another school when this year is over if i have to BUT HE FUCKING LOVED IT!!!!! THESE TINY PEOPLE ADORE HIM!!! AAAH

4. he loves teaching them big words he loves teaching them weird shit to say to their parents he loves wearing weird shit to school he loves getting drawings he loves watching the lightbulbs come on he loves watching them learn to read he loves completely abandoning the lesson plan and doing a whole day on a weird question he loves saying batshit nonsense and backing it up he loves getting down with them and playing aaahh

5. also in this au kravitz works at a casino!!! ive done kravitz as a high school teacher in the past but i thought this would be fun also. he has a lot of fun with it and it’s both nice and hard that he works later in the day. like in the minific he could bring taako lunch!!! but then it’s hard that sometimes taako has to go to bed without him. it’s a tradeoff. he works in guest satisfaction and gets lots of gifts from his high rollers and fucking loves to treat taako and take him out to nice restaurants and stuff!!! idk how they met in this one but it was something stupid and theyve been head over heels ever since. everyone was like. oh my god thats not going to work. but it DID so THERE!!!! krav loves to listen to taako gush or complain about his kids and his day and hes so supportive and full of love fuck i love them so much guys

PLOT TWIST! YOU THOUGHT I WAS DONE BUT IM FUCKING NOT!!!!!!! @herbgerblin mentioned taako with tiny WIZARD STUDENTS can you IMAGINE!!!! FUCK!!!! SAME AU BUT MAGICER 1. they all have tiny wizard hats and lil safety star wands and taako complains every year that that shit is on the supply list but then they show up on day one all excited and vibrating and he has to try really hard not to cry about it

2. he still teaches fucking math and reading and science and art and shit FUCK a certain particular series. education rules. also i care so fuckin much about this listen i have an original story about a teacher in a super power universe and shes a villain but you probably didnt want to hear about that youre here for taz but if you want to press that button you’re fuckin in for it pal (ailem i know you personally love that particular thing and i love you) but THIS IS ABOUT TAZ

3. GOD that would be so stressful ALSO having to teach magic?? jesus when is there time for intervention?? FUCK! but LISTEN!!!!  teaching 25 little tiny kids cantrips and shit!!! oh my god!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! draw a picture of your handsome teacher with mage hand everybody!!! no! handsomer!!!!!!!! jamie you’re doing perfectly sweetie

4. this could have gone in the top half and would have made more sense but first draft only draft amirite BUT taako’s so fucking good with the “challenging students” bc he GETS them and especially in this au tweest he’s so good at calming a kid whos like. getting overwhelmed and having like a magic storm and like other teachers might be like god i cant believe i had to deal with another tantrum today and taakos meanwhile like sat on the floor with the kid and calmed them down and reminded them he’s there and made them laugh and cool down

sidenote listen maybe they arent all wizards. or dnd wizards. sit down. let’s talk about the class system. i have a lot of thoughts actually. what do you MEAN you want me to move on

5. IMAGINE MAGIC PROJECT BASED LEARNING!!!! FUCK!!! IMAGINE LETTING THE KIDS LOOSE ON THE PLAYGROUND TO PLAY MAGIC TAG BUT HE STARTS AS IT!!!!!!!!! IMAGINE A KID WHO STRUGGLES W READING FINDING THEIR FOOTING IN MAGIC AND TAAKO BEING SO FUCKING PROUD AND USING IT AS A WINDOW TO GET THEM TO LIKE STORIES!!!!!!! IMAGINE 

okay im calm.

[moonlit-imagines]

Headcanons for being Tony Stark’s Daughter (The Aftermath)

Tony Stark x daughter!reader

warnings:

a/n: y/n is about 17 or 18; i cried while writing this. sorry this is really long!!! pls forgive me 🥺

prompt: takes place from a3 to smffh

The Early Years (1) The Teenage Years (2) The Intense Years (3) Continued (5)

let’s start on a happy note! ahahah

so for a while, earth was calm

you, pepper, and tony got to be a family for a while

wedding planning!

of course you got to try the ben&jerry’s ice cream named after your dad: Stark Raving Hazelnuts

“it’s not fair that you got ice cream named after you and i didn’t”

“well, when you grow up to be as awesome as me, maybe you’ll get your own ice cream flavor”

developing nanotech suits together for a Bonding Experience(tm)

speechless after the first test

“dad, this is...”

“the coolest thing to ever exist?”

“yes!!”

yall ready for some shit?

the day that ebony maw invaded was pretty—what’s the word? interesting? no. well, yes, but...HORRIBLE.

it all started when you got the call from your dad

“y/n, incoming call from ‘big fat meanie’”

“god, i really have to change that. okay, JOSHIE, answer it. hey, dad? what’s up?”

“hey, kid! you know that weird ass building on bleecker street? how fast can you get here?”

“JOSH can you track FRIDAY really quick? lets see how far dad is...uh, okay, be there in five, see ya”

taking your suit for a spin and realizing how GREAT it was to be able to basically fold up your suit and put it in your back pocket

knocking on the door and it opened on its own, it was kinda cool

“is this a museum? cool.”

bruce turning around to see you after about three years and giving you an awkward smile and a wave while you stood frozen around the wizard-guys

“y/n, god, you’ve grown up!”

charging into him for a long overdue hug

“you don’t know how much i missed you. it’s been chaotic without you”

“i can...i can only imagine”

a debriefing on the situation you were about to face, and bonus! having to play the catch-up game with bruce

“just call him, dad. we need as much help as we can. steve will understand”

rushing outside to face off with some ugly-ass aliens

“oh nooo, it’s roger smith from american dad”

bruce: 👀, stephen: 👀, wong: 👀, tony: 👏👏🥰 that’s my girl

simultaneous nanosuit unveiling

“you ready for this one, pops?”

“of course! ive waited years to kick some more alien ass”

montage of you and tony getting your asses beat together (as a family <3)

peter showing up

“give me one good reason why i shouldn’t send you back to that school bus”

“because i’m good company?”

“whatever, just listen to whatever dad has to say, i forfeit my responsibilities over you”

pew pew, repulsors, pew, tiny rockets! fun! action! destroying new york again and again. good times...

until JOSHUA gave you notice that your dad was flying high

“call him. now.”

“hey! how’s it going down there?”

“dad, you know how i feel about you and space”

“i know, i know. i just...i gotta take care of this. keep pepper safe for your old man, okay?”

“i lo—l—ve y—”

“y/n? y/n?! i love you! shit!”

“we lost connection with her, sir”

trying to call peter

“call failed, y/n. should i try again?”

“i’m gonna kill them...”

walking through the rubble to find bruce, the only sensible man you know

taking him to the avengers compound asap to get to rhodey and figure out what comes next

meanwhile, tony was dealing with space and another teenager

and worrying a lot about leaving you on earth

“i mean, mr. stark, y/n’s one of the most capable people i know. she’s probably trying to fix this whole mess as we speak”

“i didn’t get to tell her i love her”

“oh...”

having a lovely meeting with thaddeus ross with rhodey, having a lovely time watching them passive-aggresively argue until your former teammates arrived

having to patiently (and professionally) wait for ross to hang up before running into them for a hug

“holy shit, you guys have no idea how bad i’ve wanted to see you. it sucks not being all together anymore”

“i know, y/n. we’ve all missed you.” -cap

“a lot” -nat added

bruce’s little entrance that was sure to bring some awkwardness

you, secretly freaking out about your dad

sam was the one that found you crying after you “stepped out” for a few minutes too long

“oh, y/n,” he was contemplating grabbing someone else to step in, but decided to sit next to you in the hallway, “i’m sorry, kiddo. i can’t promise you anything, but your dad is a fighter. a big pain in the ass. i think your odds are good”

laughing through your tears

“yeah, you’re right. thanks, sammy”

he gave you a little hug while you calmed down

getting to business, the ass-kicking kind

as the wise natasha romanoff once said to your father, you were being “uncharacteristically non-hyper verbal”

your mind did this funny thing...wandered into places it really should not go

the talk about sacrificing vision led to wakanda, where you had a swell time patrolling

“guys! we’ve got incoming. a lot of incoming��

well-deserved uncle/niece team up. who wouldve thought?

you would have nightmares about these aliens for years to come

“you get to die, and you get to die! everybody gets to die!”

“y/n, what did we talk about?” -rhodey

“using humor as a defense mechanism makes the team uncomfortable...”

covering the girls 😌 because we gotta have those all-girl teamups, uh-huh?

some more blasting

thor made his comeback and you just could not miss it

“hi, thor!”

you landed next to him and your helmet receded

“well, hello, miss y/n! good to see you again! my, you got taller...oh! meet my friends: rabbit and tree”

having a “what the actual fuck” moment upon seeing thanos for the first time

and flying at him from behind with a massive nanotech blade ready to kill this purple bastard

but he grabbed your arm and flung you into the dirt, that was gonna leave a mark

“i just had to make a suit when i was ten...no one stopped me, huh? i couldn’t be elon’s kid, he was a nice guy”

watching thanos snap his fingers and looking around to see dust floating through the air and thanos retreat

“rhodey? uncle rhodey?!”

“i’m right here, kid, don’t worry”

he grabbed your hand while you were dusting

“tell my dad i love him, promise?”

fading away and leaving rhodey with your last words

he was mad before anything else

all he could think about was a promise your dad made him take years back

“rhodey, you keep my daughter safe no matter what, promise?”

the avengers recooperating at the compound, waiting to figure out whether any of the space-crew survived

they had to let pepper know that you didn’t make it, she was a mess upon hearing that news

tony finally making his way back to earth

and stumbling out of that ship

“where’s y/n? where is she?!”

“tony, tony, calm down”

“dont tell me to calm down! where is my daughter?!”

“she made me promise to tell you thay she loves you”

tony knew the answer by now, he lost his mind over your death

it didn’t feel right not having you by his side, for the past 18 years you’ve been with him

after a long period of recovery, tony and pepper moved on, got married, built a home, had a new daughter...

tony made sure there was a spare room for you

he put all the things you left behind in it

there were so many photos of you in the house

and he’d show your sister, morgan, all of them. he wanted morgan to know her sister

“that’s y/n when she built her first robot. it snuck up on me a few times. it went ‘boo!’”

morgan loved the stories about you, but she didn’t understand why she couldn’t see you

“when do i get to meet her?”

“uh...maybe someday, sweetie”

after being unbothered for almost 5 years, the remaining avengers came back with a plan that was so tempting, he just wanted his little girl back

cracking under pressure and telling pepper that he couldn’t ignore this mission because it was his chance to get you back

“get her back, tony”

“you think so?”

“i miss her, too.”

and so it began, he made it his mission to get you back

peeking at the wallet picture of you on his shoulders when you were so little

tony travelling to 2012; loki’s invasion

and there you were, the sassy genius 12 year old that he missed so much

“we’ve got this, tony, we’ll bring her home” -scott

and then things went badly and also 2012 tony went into cardiac arrest and 2012 y/n dove onto the floor to tend to him

“dad? give us some room, would you?!”

2023 tony smiling at how much he missed you worrying about him and how reckless he was

but also...the mission kinda went bad so that sucked

push it a bit farther back and now tony was with grandpa stark! asking how to be a dad and all that!

he could barely stand still waiting for you to come back to him, god he missed you more than he thought

and after a bit of hard work, it was time to snap

just like that, you were back in wakanda, puzzled by the gap in time before one of dr. strange’s portals opened in front of you

and then you were in the ruins of the avengers compound

“JOSHUA, can you locate my dad?”

“i think you’ll be able to see him”

“wow, i cant believe i programmed your cocky artificial ass”

“i think you can”

seeing your dad flying high and patching into the comms

“miss me, old man?”

and then he hit the gas to get to you and when this man hugged you, you almost couldn’t let go

“i’m so sorry, y/n. god, i’m sorry. these last five years...i was so lost without you”

“it’s okay, dad, i’m here now”

getting shot at during your reunion

“son of a bitch...we’re having a family moment here, asshole!”

yes, im gonna say it again. of course i am! and.........father/daugher team-up

the last one

“peter, is that you? you asshole! i cant believe you went to space without me!”

“missed you too!”

rhodey!! cant forget about uncle rhodey!!

“you gave my dad the message, right?”

“it was your dying wish, of course i did!”

“great. don’t forget i love you, too, rhodey!”

“couldn’t let me forget it”

lest we forget that pepper joined the fight?

plot twist: (step)mother/daughter team-up

mother/father/daugher team up!!!! ultimate stark machine!!!!!!!

and then you left him alone for 5 minutes and he’s got the infinity stones and you know it’s the last time you’re going to see him and you cant decide what your next move is and you’re just frozen and you cant catch your breath and he snaps and your heart plummets

you have to rush to his side, the last time you can sit beside his tired body and let him know that its going to be okay

“hey dad, it’s okay, we’re gonna be fine. thank you for everything”

peter grabbing your hand as you both sobbed next to your dad, feeling robbed of your time with him

pepper brought you home where she told you all about the five years you missed

both of you just cried harder than you’ve ever cried before

“so i have a sister?”

morgan was so happy to meet you, she couldn’t contain herself, practically latched onto you

and she didn’t fully understand what happened to tony

you saw your new room for the first time and didn’t leave it for a while, occasionally pepper or morgan would pop in

morgan actually crawled into bed with you a few times

the funeral was one of the worst days of your life

the remnants of your young life pulled back together for one day

then you hid back in your room before you heard a knock

“who is it?”

“it’s happy”

“come in”

“hey, kiddo. me and morgan are gonna get some cheeseburgers, you wanna come?”

she really was a stark

after a long hibernation, you started to get back into the groove of your old life

but the press was brutal and harsh, you were bombarded with questions regarding your dad

it took everything not to explode on camera

you stayed in contact with the rest of the avengers, mourning your dead, keeping the support system, staying a family

it was all you could get...for now

[cozyteez]

prince!yunho, IV.

"breakfast in 5 minutes your highness”

yunho groaned in response as he rolled over in bed. another day, another full schedule

he swung his legs over the side of the bed and stood up before stumbling for a moment and plopping right back down onto the bed

standing up slower this time, he trudged his way into his washroom with the thoughts of everything he had to do today weighing down his ankles

he quickly got presentable and went to the breakfast area where his parents were waiting for him, just like every morning

at breakfast he was given his daily schedule. today was pretty standard, meetings with his parents, the royal advisory board, and the other departments until lunch (today was botany then outreach), then he goes to the medical wing for training until dinner with his family, assuming he gets all his work done for that day. if not he works through dinner and eats it later by himself

he only almost fell asleep once this morning and it was during the meeting with botany. to his defense, the topic of the meeting was about which flower was to be planted at the front gates this spring, and it somehow lasted two hours

for lunch today he decided to meet with some friends in his training class at the dining hall

they were in the middle of sharing their most gruesome stories from their respective rotations from the past week when auve walked by yunho’s table and gave him a wave and a sweet look

"good afternoon, prince yunho"

yunho wasn't expecting to see auve as he'd never seen her in the dining hall at this time before, and the look on his face definitely broadcasted that thought to everybody around him

nonetheless, he responded "hello" with his mouth full of food, to which he quickly covered with his napkin when he realized what he did

she walked off and sat down with a group of girls at the table right behind yunho's, sitting in such a way that if he looked past his friend's shoulder just right he'd be looking directly at her

"damn, she looks really good"

another friend hit his chest as yunho snapped out of his trance

"ow! dude!"

"she's out or your league man, there's no point in drooling over her. besides, she seems pretty into prince charming over here"

yunho flushes red before pretending he didn't just hear that. he began to nervously shovel food into his mouth and keep his head low, desperately wanting to avoid the topic

"hey fancy pants, are you gonna ask her out? because if you don't i definitely will"

his friend receives another firm hit to the chest and yunho begins to ungracefully cough down his food

"i don’t know, should i?"

"yeah man! she’s looked over here like twice already and it’s been what, like 60 seconds since she sat down? besides, not only are you gonna be a doctor soon, you're also the fucking prince. she'd be insane to turn you down"

"are you sure you don't have a crush on him dude?"

"do you have a death wish?"

yunho was quick to tune out his friend's mild bickering as he began to think about auve

'i mean, she is quite beautiful, especially her smile. it’s so warm and inviting. i wonder what she specializes in? off topic, focus up yunho. let's see; pros: auve is beautiful, she's - wait. am i objectifying her by counting that as a 'pro'? what if - '

"dude. hey! twinkle toes!"

with a slight shake of his head yunho pulled himself out of his thoughts and back to his friends

"just ask her out man"

and as if on cue, auve and yunho looked right at each other, both causing the other to blush and become shy

“yeah... maybe i will....”

eventually it was time for yunho and his friends to head up to the medical wing for training. right before they walked through the doors though, auve walked by with a wave of people coming back to work from their lunch break

he paused and called out to her just before one of his friends pushed him towards her direction

“hi auve”

“your highness”

a deep blush was already making its way across his face and ears as he nervously rubbed the back of his neck

“you look really pretty today”

“oh, thank you”

auve blushed as well, looking down as she tucked some hair behind her ear

‘well, not that you don’t look pretty every day. oh my - not that it matters either..?”

yunho’s friends rolled their eyes and shook their heads as they watched him start to crash and burn 

“because i’m sure there’s more depth to you than your beauty, and if you think about it, physical beauty never matters because in the end, you know, people are attracted to what’s on the inside so, I mean - i know you’re more than a pretty face so I was just thinking that maybe-”

one of his friends spoke up, no longer able to tolerate the amount of second hand embarrassment this whole situation was causing him

“oh my god - DUDE! JUST ASK HER OUT WE’RE GONNA BE LATE!”

yunho covered his face before sheepishly looking at auve, who was trying not to giggle

“you know, i was planning on going to the east gardens for some wine after work if you wanted to join me? i wouldn’t mind the company, especially yours....”

the way she was looking at yunho caused butterflies to flutter in his stomach and a tingly feeling to spread across his chest

“that ... sounds really nice. maybe around 6:30?”

auve smiled and nodded

“perfect. see you then, yunho”

“yeah...”

she began to walk away, but before she got too far he called out to her

“wait! i’ve been dying to know, what’s your specialty?”

auve turned and continued to walk backwards as she answered him

“internal affairs, and you?”

he gestured back towards the glass doors of the medical wing

“medicine. see you tonight!”

and she smiled that sweet smile of hers before turning around to walk to work, leaving yunho awestruck as he watched her go

eventually he was pulled into the medical wing by his friends and they quickly went to the lockerooms to change into some scrubs and get to work

yunho spent his whole day with the usual smile on his lips a little bit wider than normal and his head just a little bit fuzzy, information and procedures slightly blurred by thoughts of auve and her warm smile and soft voice. he had it so bad for her that he almost felt tipsy

but just as he was heading off to go get ready for his date, two doctors burst through the doors with a man on a wheelchair who was keeled forward and holding an oxygen mask to his face

"woah. need any help?"

yunho was already following them. he knows its a bit morbid, but this month he was working in emergency medicine and he had yet to see anything really interesting

"sure kid, c'mon"

they get to the ER as quickly as possible and wheel him to the closest empty bed. yunho's heart was racing, ready to help out with anything he could

"okay guys listen up: we have a male, 58, collapsed after an intense coughing fit and has been in and out of consciousness ever since. his heart rate was alright at the scene but his oxygen levels are very low. i'm gonna need all hands on deck to figure out what the hell happened here"

the lead doctor began giving orders to the nurses before turning to yunho and the other doctor

"you two: get him on the bed and lay him back"

they nodded in unison as the doctor went to one side of the patient and yunho the other. on the doctor's count they lifted him out of the wheelchair and onto the bed, and that's when yunho's heart almost jumped out of his chest

he immediately wished he could take back all of his silent complaints for not seeing any interesting cases come through the ER, because as soon as he had set the patient down and laid his head back, he made eye contact with a vary familiar set of eyes before they fluttered closed as he became unconscious again

"i-i... i have to go. i have to leave, i'm sorry"

the lead doctor just rolled his eyes before he continued barking orders to the hospital staff about which vitals to read, medicines to push, and tests to run

meanwhile yunho ran down the hall, out of the doors, and straight to xenia's office, slowing down as he approached the door

"come in!"

he pushed through the door, but stood frozen as he realized he didn't know what to say, or rather how to say it

"yunho? well this is a surprise, you never come to visit me at work! not that i’m upset, just -"

"nia..."

"hey, why are you still in your scrubs?" she put her pen down and stood up from her desk "is everything alright?"

yunho cleared his throat and looked at the floor, still trying to find his words

"xenia can you follow me, please?"

he figured that would buy him some time, but she refused

"no. not until you tell me what's going on"

xenia stepped out from behind her desk to walk towards yunho, who looked up at her with a look she couldn't exactly describe, but had a bad feeling about. a really, really bad feeling

"can you just come with me? please"

"yunho, you're scaring me... just tell me what's going on and i'll go"

he sighed and looked at the floor one more time before looking back at her

"it's your father, nia. he collapsed today after a bad coughing fit in the kitchen. i just helped some doctors bring him into the ER"

"what? is he alright?"

yunho opened his mouth but decided not to answer, his silence speaking volumes to xenia

"i think you should go see him. somebody already went to get your mother, she should be there by now"

her face was emotionless and her eyes were glazed over as she walked out of her office towards the medical wing, swiftly and quietly with yunho right behind her

once inside the emergency care center, yunho placed his hand on her back and led her to her father's room. as soon as she opened the door her heart sunk. he looked awful

he was extremely pale, he was attached to at least 5 wires, and he looked like he hadn't slept in weeks

"oh, father...."

she rushed to his side, the side her mother wasn't already at, and immediately took his hand as she knelt down

"don't cry baby girl, i'll be alright. promise" he wiped a tear that had begun to roll down her cheek with his thumb "now, be honest. does this gown wash me out?"

everyone in the room laughed, even xenia. but the happiness was short lived as he began to cough and struggle to breathe

he forced a weak smile when it was over, squeezing the hands of his wife and daughter in reassurance. xenia placed her other hand over her father's and took a good look at him. his bright smile had been dimmed, and she could tell he was in a lot of pain

she looked up for yunho but he had snuck out of the room, probably just to let them spend some time together as a family, she thought. looking back at her father, she made a mental note to ask yunho about how long it'll take for him to get better later. for now, she was beginning to realize how much time she'd been spending on work lately and how little time she'd been spending with her family

she made another mental note to change that, starting today. she was going to hold her father's hand through this, no matter how many projects she had to delay or give up in order to do it. she was going to see to it herself that he got better, no matter how long or how much it took

meanwhile yunho was frantically changing out of his scrubs in the locker room, as he was running late for his date with auve. he forgot to take his sneakers off before he started to take off his scrub pants and fell onto his ass

after taking a deep breath and removing his sneakers, he stood up and quickly put the rest of his clothes on. for once he was grateful that he had to wear nice clothes this morning so he could go straight to the east gardens and not be too late

he fixed his hair a little bit in the mirror before he made his way over to where auve was waiting for him

-

once yunho arrived he was able to spot auve immediately. she at alone at one of the standing-area bar tops with a glass of wine already in her hands, peacefully looking out over the entirety of the gardens

"they're beautiful, right?"

"oh my! you scared me"

despite being startled, she was still smiling that never-ending smile of hers that yunho could look at all day

"looks like i should catch up, hm?"

she looked down at her half empty glass that yunho was gesturing towards and back at him

"looks like it"

"be right back"

auve watched as yunho walked over to the bar, he was so happy and bubbly and oh - he almost tripped over that woman's chair. maybe he was a bit clumsy too, she thought

he made his way back and began to ask her about her day. from there the conversation flowed naturally between sips and refills of wine. it was mostly light-hearted, when she had asked about his day he decided to leave out the part about xenia's father as to not kill the mood. besides, it wasn't really something he was willing to process at the moment

yunho felt more relaxed than he's felt in a while. it was nice to laugh with and get to know someone new. for a while he had felt stuck in a demanding and rigorous routine with the same work and the same people, so change was good. it was nice, he thought

after maybe their third glass of wine yunho made a joke that auve found particularly funny and had them both laughing until their stomachs hurt, leaning on the bar top for support

as their laughter died down, there was almost no other noise around them and they realized that it had gotten pretty late as they were some of the last people there

auve drank the last sip of her wine, sighed, and smiled at yunho, who was smiling right back at her with the same butterflies in his stomach fuzzy feeling in his head from before, although this time maybe it was all the wine that had him tipsy

either way, something gave him a wave of confidence as he set his empty glass down and leaned in closer to her

"you know, every spring the castle puts on this big ball..."

"ooh, really?"

"yeah, we decorate the grand ballroom with flowers and everybody dresses really pretty and there's dancing and food and games for the kids except sometimes i play too because - well, anyways..."

auve was giggling at yunho's rambling and he swore it was the cutest sound he'd ever heard

"if you'd like, i'd love it of you came with me. as, you know, my date. if you want to but you don't have to"

she stopped giggling, but her smile never faded. placing her hand on his arm, she answered him

"oh, i definitely want to. when is it again?"

yunho tried to act like he was unbothered by her touch but he doubts he got away with it based on how hot his cheeks felt

"it's in about two weeks"

she hummed and nodded, allowing a silence to fall between them that had a bit of tension to it

they both knew they should probably leave, but neither of them were doing anything, just staring at each other not wanting the night to end. especially yunho, who was realizing he was about to fall right back into the same lonely routine. at least now he had the ball to look forward to

finally, he broke the silence

"if you want, i can walk you back to your room?"

"sure"

she smiled as yunho took their glasses back to the bar and thanked the bar tender. they walked pretty much in silence the whole way there, both too shy to make any sort of move

"well, we're here"

they stopped walking and yunho turned to face auve

"i had a really great time tonight"

"me too"

yunho paused, trying to buy himself some more time to work up the courage to do what he's wanted to do all night

"i'm sorry for earlier, sometimes i get nervous and i ramble and i didn't mean to call you pretty and then not pretty, because you are pretty. like, really pretty. so i-"

"it's alright, yunho. it was actually kind of cute"

"really?"

"of course. i think you also blush when you get nervous, kind of like you are right now"

his hands flew to his cheeks in a vain attempt to cover what she'd already noticed and just made worse, causing both of them to giggle

"well, anyways ... can i ask you one more thing?"

"sure"

"can i kiss you?"

"please do"

and in what seemed like only a second, he took a step forward, pulled her by the waist close to him, tilted her chin up with his other hand, and had his lips on hers

auve was shocked at his sudden smoothness. he hadn't really given her any indication in the time she's known him that he would've kissed her the way he was kissing her now, but she didn't mind

actually, she really didn't mind. not one bit. in fact, she was starting to think she'd let him take her breath away over and over again and she still wouldn't mind because he wasn't just good, he was absolutely intoxicating

but then again, maybe it was all the wine

[ertrunkenerwassergeist]

Dreams of Our Past - Chapter 27

*flails around* The chapter is done! It’s the second longest so far and the second half was fighting me until the end. But I prevailed! Here’s the Link to AO3.

In which Gladio invites Ignis to dinner and he finds a dearly missed person because of Iris.

Featuring: Ignis' brand of awkwardness, the starscourge, the tempers of Gladio and Hiemi, Noctis being so very close to a mental breakdown and Somnus and Bahamut being dicks through history

Warning: vomiting, mentioned child murder

Gladio IV

8.5.755 ME

Insomnia, Ghetto

Kingdom of Lucis

The days since their meeting at the Black Saffron had been nerve wrecking and uneventful. It grated on him like nothing else. He had thought, after they had all finally decided – more or less, he was aware enough to admit – on a course of action, things would start to move again. They hadn't. And Gladio didn't like it. At all.

He stood near the door to the pitiful office of Camp No. 5 and watched the people mingling about. More specifically was he watching Prompto, who sat grinning like a loon on a camping bed, a laptop in his lap and... did something while a group of people watched over his shoulder. Gladio really hoped the blond didn't play some kind of game. He was supposed to search through the pictures he had taken over the last few days and upload them on a dummy account by the end of the day.

Here was to hoping the whole crazy plan was going to work. It was a shame Pelna wasn't here right now, but he had finally found the time to talk to his contacts, and had gone to get the ball rolling on that whole facial recognition thing.

It wasn't that things weren't being done, really, it was just that they were moving along so slowly.

Gladio felt like he was treading on the spot, not moving forward no matter how much he wished to. It was frustrating beyond belief.

Before he realized what he was doing, he had fished his phone out of he pocket and weighted it in his hand. It couldn't hurt to call Ignis, making sure the man didn't overwork himself like he was prone to do. Maybe he had managed to find something that would help Gladio figure out what he could be doing in this stinking mess. Not that is was very likely, but a man could hope.

The phone rang once, twice, then a click sounded and a cultured voice drifted through the speaker: “Good morning Gladio. Was there something you needed?”

“Barely morning anymore, Ignis”, the older snorted.

A non-committal hum could be heard. The former advisor could be very peculiar about his greetings. A voice sounded in the background on Ignis' side. It was decidedly feminine, even if Gladio couldn't make out any words.

“Oh no, it's perfectly alright, Miss Aster. I am talking to a friend. Thank you for your wonderful help”, Ignis said.

Gladio couldn't help the grin blooming on his face. “Should I call you later, lover boy?”

Ignis gave an undignified snort. “I am at work, Gladio”, he said, stressing the word work like that was the important part. “Miss Aster is a secretary within the Ministry for Civic Affairs and Immigration. I met her yesterday, when I was looking into how far along they are with evaluating the houses in the Immigration District for damages. Apparently there seems to be a filing issue of some sort. Miss Aster has been looking into it since it came to her attention. She says it goes against her pride to have messy paperwork.”

“Tampering?” Gladio couldn't help but ask.

“Very likely.”

“Damn.”

“Whoever did it was very careful. The papers are listed as filed, they obviously went over all the right desks, but they aren't where they should be. I have never seen this amount of misfiling in my entire life.” Ignis' obvious indignation would be funny, if the situation wasn't so serious. “Mrs. Custodela cannot help us with this. She has her hands already full trying to keep abreast with the camps she is looking over. After this, would you please call Camp 7 for me? Mrs. Custodela has found a plumber who is free and can take a look at their showers.”

Something in the pipes in the showers of Camp 7 had broken and now the water there had turned a muddy brown. It couldn't be very healthy.

“That's good. I'll do that. Anything else?”

“Make sure to note down who is using the vehicles you got provided with, and where they drove and how long it took to get there. Certain people have been making noise about rationing petrol. Records of the use of the vans you have at your disposal would go a long way to work against this”, said Ignis after a few moments of consideration.

Gladio jerked in disbelief. “Rationing petrol? That's bullshit! The oil production in Leide is still under Insomnian control.”

“I know, Gladio. Believe me, I know.”

“Fuck, this whole situation is a stinking mess”, he complained and carded a hand through his hair.

I need a shower, he thought with a grimace. Ignis didn't answer. He didn't need to. Somewhere in the hall a baby started to cry, followed shortly by a second. Gladio sighed and massaged the bridge of his nose. He needed to get out of here. At least for an evening. Breath some air that didn't smell of exhaust fumes or like too many sweaty people cramped into a place too small.

“How... how is Iris doing?” Ignis sounded like he wasn't sure at all, if he should even ask.

“She's not doing worse for now”, he choked out, his stomach plummeting like it was suddenly filled with lead.

“Gladio. I am- I'm so sorry.”

That sentence sounded heavy. Full of hidden meanings and implications and Gladio didn't want to hear any of it.

“Don't you dare talk like she's dead already! Because she's still very much alive”, he snapped.

A tightly controlled intake of breath sounded over the speaker. Gladio couldn't muster the will to feel bad about it. Iris wasn't dead and she wouldn't die. He was her older brother and he would protect her, damn it!She was barely fourteen, for Bahamut's sake.

“You are right, Gladio. I apologize”, Ignis said after a maybe too long pause.

“It's alright”, he sighed and deflated.

No, it wasn't alright, not at all. But Ignis was a friend – or had been a friend once – and he didn't deserve this. Pitioss, Iris didn't deserve this most of all. Why ever were the Gods punishing her like that? It had to stop.

He cleared his throat and asked awkwardly: “I'm going back home for the night to spend some time with her. Do you want to come over for dinner? Iris would love to see you again.”

“If you are sure.”

Ignis sounded so high-strung that Gladio just knew he was feeling as awkward as he himself was.

“Don't worry. I wouldn't ask, if I wasn't.”

“Then I will gladly come. Which time would be most convenient?”

“We normally eat around six since Iris gets tired early”, Gladio shrugged.

Ignis hummed in thought. “Five thirty then.”

“Fine by me”, he answered after mentally running through his to-do list again. “Just... be gentle with her, alright?”

“Of course, Gladio”, agreed Ignis. “I need to go back to work.”

“Ah, yes. Yes, of course. I'll see you later.”

“Until later.”

The call disconnected. Gladio listened to the silence of his phone for a few seconds before he sighed and lowered it from his ear to stare at it. Social graces and impulse control. He needed to work on his temper more. But for now he had a few calls to make. First Camp 7 about that plumber and then Jared to tell him that he and Ignis would be there for dinner. He had been trying to come every evening since the earthquake happened, but he hadn't always managed it.

On his first call he managed to reach Libertus who sounded just as grouchy as he had expected the man to be. Gladio had to bite the inside of his cheek as to not snap back. Instead he managed to make his way through the conversation with all the grace of a garula in a china store. Luckily Libertus didn't seem to notice. Something about two feuding Clans in one room, he had heard Crowe and Pelna say.

His second call went a bit better. He could practically hear the retainer smile as he announced his and Ignis' presence for dinner.

Now he could go outside and see how far along Tredd and Crowe were with checking over the newest delivery. Then there would be another round of phone calls between Centres 4 through 8 to see who was lacking what and to pool their resources. After lunch he would write out new timetables for those who had volunteered for various duties around here. And he would need to find someone who had experience with the whole giving birth thing, since one of the women here looked just about ready to pop.

Dinner could have been definitely worse. It had been decidedly awkward, but between Ignis practically doting on Iris within the first few minutes of his arrival and Jared's efforts to keep the conversation flowing, it had been a very pleasant meal. Everything had been fine, Iris had been laughing and moving around more than she had in weeks and Ignis had been sharing recipes with Jared.

He should have known that this wasn't going to last. Nothing good had for a long time now.

The screaming woke Gladio in the middle of the night. It took his sleep addled brain long precious seconds to realize that they were coming from his sister's room. He practically leapt out of bed and ran into her room that thankfully was right next to his. Light spilled into the dark room and for a moment his sister's shadow seemed to froth and seethe, but Gladio ignored it in search of any attackers that he could painfully eviscerate.

No one was there. No one but Iris and him.

Her screaming stopped once she saw him.

“Gladdy”, she whimpered and reached out towards him.

The sleeves of her pyjama slid back and exposed dark splotched on her skin that hadn't been there during dinner. A thin line of blood trickled down from the corner of her mouth. It was black.

“Iris!” he cried and lunged towards her, cradling her small form carefully against his muscled chest.

“Gladdy, it hurts. It hurts so much.”

She grasped weakly at his arms, sobbing. Then she went limp, her breath coming in nothing but weak bursts that ghosted over the naked skin above his collar bone.

“No”, he breathed. Desperation roared in his chest like a wild beast and stole his breath. “No, no, no, no, no.”

What should he do? No doctor or hospital they had visited since she had first gotten sick, had been able to help. There was no one here that could help her.

Oh, by the Gods, she was going to die.

The realization hit him like a slap in the face. His little sister would die before morning came, because there was no one in this damned city that...

Gladio's breath stuttered in his chest when he remembered what the innkeeper of the Black Saffron had said about his son and the woman that had come by during the meeting, when he remembered what that prostitute had told him last week.

Without stopping to consider what a colossally stupid idea this was – he could not afford to think about it, not now when his little sister was dying – he wrapped her blanket tightly around her frail body and lifted her up in his arms. She was so light he barely noticed her weight.

Why was it getting so much worse? Why now, of all times? She had been fine! Or at last not worse than the last time he had taken her to a doctor.

He didn't even stop to get dressed in something other than his sleeping trousers or to put on some shoes, and instead ran right out of the door, into the dark streets of Insomnia. In the privacy of her bed, the prostitute had described to him how he could get to this Healer, if he ever needed to.

Sweat ran down his face and back the further he ran, his breath burned in his lungs, but he didn't dare to stop. He didn't dare to do so as he ran past buildings the earthquake had destroyed, deeper and deeper into the city, through neighbourhoods that were getting more and more run down.

Iris began to shiver, despite the warm summer night. Gladio only tightened his grip and hastened his steps.

Despite the growing lack of functioning street lamps, he could see the great, broken pillar. It rose out of the shadows like a great, stony needle as he hurried past it and then turned left into a narrow alleyway. It didn't take long to reach the other side. It was nearly pitch black now. Only a few weakly glowing lanterns showed him the way, forcing him to slow down, lest he stumble and fall. He found the staircase Viti had talked about through sheer luck. There weren't any handrails, so he had to be extra careful. He did not dare hurry since some of the metal stairs creaked ominously.

Follow the lights, Viti had said, and so he started to run again towards the nearest light he could see. It was a single lantern glowing like a lonely star at the first house on the right. It hung from the ceiling in a room that was entirely open on one side and illuminated a group of chairs, metal drawers and a long table. In a corner there was a part of the wall that looked like it could possibly be a door. He just about kicked it in.

“Hello! I need help!” he bellowed into the darkness of the house, honestly not caring who he might wake.

Not a second later hasty footsteps sounded to his left. It was a teenager, his skin paler than he had ever seen a human being be, with big blue eyes so light they looked white near the pupil. In his hand he carried a lantern, its light cast a cheerful glow on everything it touched.

The teenagers eyes grew even larger when he saw the bundle in Gladio's arms, then his eyes dropped to his feet and back up again.

“My sister needs help”, Gladio repeated, pleading.

That seemed to do the trick, as the teenager gestured towards a staircase with a hasty “Follow me!” and practically leapt up the stairs.

“Healer! Healer wake up! There's an emergency. Quick!”

Gladio followed the teen down the hallway to his right until they came to the last door. Behind it was a small room with a rickety bed, a bedside table, a stool and a chest of drawers. Another lantern, it had been hanging from a hook next to the door, was lit and the teenager motioned for Gladio to lay his sister on the bed before he vanished down the hallway again, calling for Healer.

Now here, where he could finally focus on something other than running, running, running, he noticed he was trembling like a leaf in the wind. His heart beat like a fast paced drum and his breath shuddered with each intake of air.

His gaze settled on Iris. Her skin was a pasty, unhealthy white and the dark splotches had spread up her neck and onto her cheeks. Each laboured breath sounded wet and rattled within her chest. Carefully, as to not hurt her any further, he settled her down on the lumpy mattress of the bed. The frame gave a high pitched sound as her weight was added.

From outside the room he could hear doors opening and closing, sleepy voices were asking questions and hasty steps were making their way towards them. A young man appeared in the doorway. He had clearly just woken up, his startling violet eyes squinting against the light of the lantern and his long black hair a mess that hung in his face.

When the man – he couldn't be older than 20 – saw him he froze. His eyes grew large in surprise and fear, his mouth opened and closed like he was a fish on land. Gladio glowered. If he had only come to stare, he was going to beat him within an inch of his life.

“Help her!” he bellowed.

The man jerked. His gaze fell on Iris and all expression vanished from his face. One moment he stood by the door and the next he was next to the bed, leaning over his sister and looking intently at her gaunt face.

“Casto, get me a bucket and take the bedsheets for winter out of the closet. Go to Hiemi and tell her I need some of her purging tea, and bring me a bowl of hot water and a washrag”, he said with an air that made it clear he was used to be listened to and obeyed.

Not bothering to turn around and see if the teenager was listening – which he did; he ran out of the room like the Infernian himself was after him – the young man started to gently unwrap the blanket. She had grown even paler and the black splotches covered large parts of her visible skin.

Gladio would love to ask who this guy even was and what he was doing as he released a hissing breath and started cussing quite creatively, but his voice refused to work. Each new gulp of air took more effort than the last and slowly he began to realize that everything hurt. From his muscles to his feet. Especially his feet. They felt like two big, raw lumps of meat that did nothing but hurt. He ignored it as best as he could for now.

A thin hand with long, elegant fingers was lain on Iris' forehead, golden-violet sparks danced across the digits and over her skin.

Wait, this was the famous Healer?

“For how long has she been sick?”

Gladio's tired mind barely registered the question. “What?” he managed to utter after his second attempt at articulating.

“How long, Gladio”, Healer barked.

How...? That wasn't important right now.

“Nearly two months”, he managed to say around the lump in his throat.

“Shit. Shit, shit, shit. By all the sulphurous fires of Ifrit's den. By all rights, she should be dead by now.”

That made Gladio's tired brain pay attention again. “Excuse me?”

Healer shook his head and reached for the bucket a huffing and puffing Casto held out towards him, bedsheets under his other arm.

“No time for that.”

He gently sat her upright, her weight lying awkwardly in his arms, and sent a wave of softly glowing magic through her. The golden and violet light washed over her like water. Without warning her upper body jerked forward and she vomited her dinner mixed with black blood into the bucket. It stank sickeningly.

Iris took big, heaving breaths, occasionally dispelling mouthfuls of junky black sludge. After nothing new came up, Healer set the bucket down beside the bed. He didn't seem to care for the splatters that had hit the naked skin of his arms and torso. They slowly turned into wispy smoke and then vanished entirely. Her eyes fluttered feverishly without seeming to notice her surroundings.

“Yeah, that's it. Everything's alright now. In and out, in and out. Yah're doing great, Iris. Everything's gonna be alright.”

While Healer was gently coaxing his barely lucid sister into regaining her breath and Casto put a garish monstrosity of a pillow beneath her head, Gladio leaned against the wall to ease the pain in his feet and to regain some kind of equilibrium. Because this Healer knew his sister's name. Gladio knew he hadn't told him and he had known his name, too, without needing an introduction. Just who was he?

“Tata?”

All eyes turned towards the door. There stood a girl. She looked to be around seven with wild, sleep mussed red hair and honey coloured eyes that gleamed golden. She looked drowsily at them and yawned.

“Solaris? What're yah doing out of bed?” asked Healer without taking his glowing hand from Iris' forehead even once.

“It's loud”, the girl complained.

Gladio's gaze wandered from one to the other and he wondered.

Healer nodded. “Ah know, little sun, but Iris needs mah help for now. If yah can't sleep anymore, could yah go down and ask yahr mati for a big glass of water? Casto, could yah look after Astra, please? Ah don't wanna've him running 'round alone and in the dark.”

Both nodded and left the room, the girl taking the teenager's hand. Gladio stared after them. He had heard this accent before, he knew he had. If he could just place where. He felt like he was missing some very crucial things right about now. Sleep. What he needed now was sleep and for Iris to not die.

His gaze settled back on her. A flittering net of golden-violet magic covered her from head to toe. It looked more like mist than a tangible thread. How was such a thing possible? Only the royal family should be the one harbouring powerful magic in this city, even the whole continent. And now here was this Healer, whose magic prickled against his skin like a Lucis Caelum's did. It would probably be more upsetting, if he was fully awake.

“What does she have?” he asked instead of all the other questions burning on his tongue.

Healer blinked at him, as if he had forgotten that Gladio was also in the room. He made a passable impression of a bowstring drawn tight. In an obvious nervous tick, Healer tugged at his hair and wet his lips.

“She's scourge sick”, he said at last, his voice barely more than a quiet whisper.

“Scourge sick”, Gladio repeated tonelessly. “You mean the black plague, curse of the Gods, the starscourge? That kind of scourge sick?”

“Yes”, came the careful confirmation.

Gladio felt his fingers flex like they wanted to hit something, if he had just a bit more energy left. “That's a load of chocobo shit”, he rasped. “The starscourge does not reach within the Wall. Everybody knows that.”

Near glowing, violet eyes shot him a deadpan stare that felt achingly familiar. He suppressed a shudder creeping up his spine. Damn, those eyes were eerie.

“Two months ago yah said? Has she been anywhere near the old crypts at tha' time?”

The broken shield opened his mouth to instinctively deny the question, but he hesitated. “I... I don't know”, he admitted at last. He tried to remember, but his head started to feel like it was packed in wool.

“Doesn't matter anymore. It's good that yah came now, but yah were cuttin' it very close. She wouldn't 'a' made it through the night. Ah can barely believe tha' she made it this long.”

With a shuddering breath Gladio leaned more of his weight against the wall. The rough plaster dug uncomfortably into his shoulders.

Steps sounded from the hallway and shortly thereafter the girl was back, two cups in her hands. One was steaming and emanated a strong smell that made him wrinkle his nose. She gave the one with the foul smelling liquid Healer, the other one she cradled between her hands.

“Thank yah, little sun”, the young man smiled. “Now, yah remember what ah taught yah? Reach for the power resting in yahr bones. No more than a spark. Take it and guide it, it knows what it's got tah do.”

The girl's face scrunched up in concentration, in a way Gladio had seen a hundred times before, in the way Noctis had looked when he had wanted something to go exactly right. What Gladio hadn't seen before was the reddish glow of her hands.

“Not so much, little sun”, corrected Healer gently.

Solaris' brow furrowed even more and after a few seconds the glow dimmed until there was only the barest sheen of it left. It seeped into the cup and the liquid it contained, until it glowed, too.

“Very good”, praised the young man and Solaris beamed. “Would yah be a dear and give it tah Gladio over there?”

“Yes, tata”s she said dutifully and held the cup out to him, standing as far away as she could manage while doing so. She was clearly skittish around strangers.

“No, thank you”, he said while looking at the glowing cup in healthy scepticism. As long as he had no idea what it was he wouldn't drink it. He swallowed, and that made his parched throat just more noticeable.

Healer clucked his tongue in disapproval. “It's jus' water with a bit of healin' magic. Sit down and drink tha'. Yah look like yahr abou' tah keel over. 'Specially with yahr feet.”

Gladio made a face, but in the end he took the cup from the girl. The liquid in it looked like plain water hit by sunlight during noon. It was kind of fascinating, he had to admit. The little girl scampered off towards the bucket and glanced into it, curiosity clear on her face. She clamped her hands over her nose and mouth with a disgusted sound. Gladio frowned. A child as young as her shouldn't see these kind of things. Healer seemed to be of a similar mindset.

“Solaris, would yah please go and get Ardyn? And after tha' ah need yah tah do somethin' very important. Can yah do tha' for me?” Healer looked at her with serious eyes. The girl nodded, face solemn. “Yah need tah go tah the other patients and tell them tha' everything's alrigh'. They don't need tah worry.”

“Ah will, tata”, she said and carefully stepped closer to give Healer a kiss on the cheek before she left the room.

“What happens now?” asked Gladio and took a tiny sip of the mystery water, as he had dubbed it in his mind.

At once he could feel some of his exhaustion leave and the soreness of his muscles easing off just a bit. He blinked in surprise. This was a bit like the potions he knew, just far more gentle in the way the soothed things. Potions and ethers made by Lucis Caelum magic were always accompanied by an unpleasant burn.

Healer answered while he carefully, drop by drop, made Iris drink that foul smelling tea. “Now ah'll start tah heal her. The scourge has been burrowed in her body for too long for me tah heal it all at once, but ah can do it. Yah needn't worry.”

“You can really heal her? How long will it take? There is supposed to be only one person who is able to heal the starscourge, and I kind of doubt that you are the Oracle in disguise.”

The deeply buried seeds of hope started to grow into a warm feeling pooling in his stomach. Or maybe that was just the mystery water.

“Yeah, but like ah said, it'll take me some time. A week at least. Ah don't just need tah rid her of the scourge, but also repair the damage it caused and tha's the truly tricky part.”

Gladio became light headed in relief. If he hadn't been sitting on the floor already, he would certainly do so now. But he couldn't help but wonder how it was even possible. The Fleurets had been blessed by the Astrals with the power to cleanse the scourge from its victims. There were no others.

“My, my, nephew. You have all of the clinic in a right tizzy.”

A man stood in the doorway with wild reddish hair that had an odd violet sheen and golden eyes. He leaned on a cane the same way King Regis did, and Gladio didn't know why, but he found that quite disturbing. Despite the stuffy and hot air he wore a long pair of trousers and a high collared tunic with sleeves that fell down over his wrists.

“She is scourge sick”, the man stated. His eyes bore a strange glint that Gladio didn't like.

Healer nodded. “Yes”, he affirmed and motioned towards the bucket sitting at the end of the bed. “Could yah get rid of tha'? Ah made her drink some of Hiemi's purging tea, so she'll need tha' bucket 'gain soon.”

“Of course, dear nephew. But if you don't mind, I would like to see how you handle this one. It's the first time I see you treat someone afflicted with starscourge, after all. Not to worry, I'll keep myself well out of the way.”

Healer's answering shrug clearly said suit yourself.

Gladio watched as the man – who was most likely this Ardyn the little girl had gone to fetch – gathered the bucket, keeping a straight face at the sickening smell, and retreated back towards the door.

“I'm ready”, the man announced with a grin.

Healer huffed, but he turned his full attention back to Iris who now looked like she had gone back to sleep. He gently rested his free hand on her stomach, right over her navel, the other still being on her forehead, and closed his eyes, his brows furrowed in obvious concentration. For a moment there was absolute silence. Then the glittering net over his sister's body retreated, leaving the room strangely dim. Not a moment later however, Healer's whole body started to glow in a golden light. It looked like a sun was trapped under his skin.

The black lines on his skin, that Gladio had thought were tattoos, started to crack open and released a burning violet light. It looked utterly otherworldly. Suddenly Gladio could believe every story Viti had told him about Healer. That he was a fallen star or an Astral, forgotten by humanity and time. There was so much power. It made his skin prickle and the fine hairs on his arms stand on end. And it seemed like Healer himself could barely contain it, he looked like his human shell was going to shatter at any moment.

Magic pulsed in time of an invisible heart, lapping over Iris and through the air like it was water breaking on a shore. The light seeped into Iris' skin, concentrating where the black splotches marred her, and with each new wave that washed over her they grew a tiny bit smaller. A fine black mist rose and dissipated within seconds.

Gladio couldn't do anything other than stare at the spectacle in front of him, even as it made his eyes burn to look directly into the pulsing light. He didn't even look away when he heard a violent hiss from where the red haired man was watching.

An especially large wave made the air shudder, caressed his skin like the softest silk and eased the pain in his bloody feet. There were quite a few cuts and a broken toe nail. He hadn't even felt it as he had been running to get his sister the help she needed. He couldn't help the sigh of relief that escaped him. The magic teased over him like a long lost friend. It made something in him that had been sleeping for a long time, suddenly sit up and pay attention. He knew the feeling of this magic, had felt it quite often when Noctis had been made to practice his elemancy, even if he had never been connected to it like a proper Shield should be...

He jerked upwards. By now the magic had turned into a bright supernova with the young man and his sister at its centre. It couldn't be.

“Noctis”, he breathed, stunned.

He stood there, frozen and having no idea what he should do. This couldn't be possible. He had searched for his prince high and low and the Crownsguard and the Kingsglaive both had searched outside of Insomnia. If Noctis was still in the city and not dead they should have heard something by now. Shouldn't they?

On the other hand there clearly were people down here. Gladio hadn't even known that this place existed, and it was part of his job to know about the city's layout. It would also explain how Healer had magic. But why hadn't he recognized him then? He knew what the prince looked like! Then again, Healer had long hair and what he had thought were tattoos covering a large part of his body, including his face. And even if it turned out that Healer wasn't Noctis – which became more and more likely the longer he thought about it – this was a place he could potentially be, because no one had ever thought to look.

Had Noctis hidden here this whole time?

Why?

As if he had been heard, Healer opened his eyes. Even in the bright light of the magic they glowed like a pair of newborn stars. Gladio had to look away. White spots danced in front of his eyes. A high pitched whine sounded from where the door was located.

Slowly, oh so slowly, the pulsing light became weaker, the pressure of powerful magic in the air grew lighter. With each new wave it retreated further and further, like the changing of the tides until it was mostly gone.

The black splotches on Iris' skin had turned into mere shadows beneath skin still pale from sickness. There was a bit of colour in her cheeks now.

Healer's hands retreated and the last of the glow died, leaving the room in a strange half light until Gladio's eyes had adjusted again. Only the black lines on Healer's skin still gave off a dim iridescence, and Gladio swore there was a new one slashing across his cheek close to the nose. It made the impression that the man's humanity was nothing but a thin veil that could be ripped away to show what really lay beneath at any time. And wasn't that disconcerting?

Reluctantly, like he needed to remind himself how to move his limbs, he stood up and carelessly let the blanket Gladio had carried Iris in, fall to the floor, before taking up the one the teenager had brought in and spread it over Iris' still sleeping form. His breath came in quick bursts and he was covered in sweat like he had just completed a taxing workout. With a quiet groan he stood up straight. Finally the shimmer beneath his skin was completely gone.

“Fuck. Ah think ah overdid it”, he mumbled barely loud enough for Gladio to hear.

“You can say that again, my dear nephew. Please warn an old man the next time you want to set off the magical equivalent to a Nifasi firebomb. It would be much appreciated. You can never be sure of the consequences otherwise”, stated the red haired man before Gladio could even think to open his mouth.

There was a caution in Healer's gaze as he nodded, that set Gladio's teeth on edge and made him want to punch something. Or someone. Preferably the guy who used a cane exactly the same way his King did but moved like a was an actor playing out a drama.

“Now, go downstairs to your wife, eat something and drink some of her truly amazing tea. You look like someone who dearly needs a break and some extra energy. I dare say, it's too early already to go back to sleep again. I will look after the girl for the time being. Do not worry, I have some experience in looking after the scourge sick and know what I'm doing”, he continued as if he hadn't seen Gladio's glower.

Which he clearly had.

Healer – who was quite possibly Noctis and Gladio wasn't really sure if he wanted him to be or not – just rolled his eyes, but he took a step towards the door before he stopped and turned towards him, a guarded look on his face.

“Come”, he mumbled. “We need tah talk, and best do it now.”

Gladio didn't say anything as he followed Healer through the still mostly dark house. To be honest, he had no idea what to say. For all the questions tumbling through his mind in a never ending whirlwind since he had first seen the young man.

He wanted to scream.

He wanted to rage.

He wanted to shake the answers out of the man leading him down dark stairs.

But he didn't. If this whole mess had taught him one thing, it was that raging at it all didn't help a thing. So he swallowed the anger hissing in his mind down and sat in the chair in the warmly lit kitchen he had been indicated to.

The kitchen was a large room that was clearly well lived in and cared for with a loving hand, if cluttered to a point where there was nearly no free space left. Despite the warm summer night there was a new fire burning in the hearth that was old enough to belong in a museum. It made the air near uncomfortable hot.

Most of the kitchen appliances looked like they belonged into the 5th century ME at least. Well, there was an electric tea kettle and a few other bibs and bobs that clearly belonged into the modern age of electricity. How could anybody live like that?

As he examined the kitchen he noticed the woman standing at the counter. She wasn't very tall with a thin face and very pale skin that contrasted heavily with her long black hair. Her big eyes were of a green that reminded him of shadowy forests outside Insomnia. The long and thin tunic she wore was of a russet colour and looked more like a nightgown to his eyes.

He knew her. It was the woman that he had met at the Black Saffron the day before yesterday. Well, three days ago by now, he supposed. What was her name again? Hiemi? Wait, so the little girl had been...

She came over towards the table with a tray in her hands upon which were three cups and a large pot that wouldn't be out of place in one of the historical romances he liked to read sometimes. Now that she stood next to Healer, who had been awkwardly hovering next to an empty chair, Gladio could see that she was a few centimetres taller than him. The woman gave Healer a chiding glance that lost its bite with the fondly exasperated tilt of her smile.

“Yah overdid it”, she stated.

“Ah know”, he murmured and gave her a chaste kiss on the mouth. “Ah'm sorry.”

“No, yah're not. Now sit down and introduce me so tha' we can have this talk b'fore we've gotta go t' work.”

And Healer did just that.

He gave her hip a gentle squeeze and sat down on the chair across from Gladio while the woman served the tea and then sat down herself. There were a few beats of awkward silence before Healer cleared his throat and introduced the woman next to him.

“Gladio, may ah introduce to yah Hiemi, Dame of this household and mah wife. Hiemi, this's Gladio.” He hesitated, as if he wasn't quite sure how to continue.

Before he could make up his mind about it, Gladio interrupted him: “What in the name of Pitioss' cursed depths were you thinking, Noctis?!”

The young man flinched, his fingers dug into the wooed tabletop until his knuckles turned white and his mouth fell open with no sound escaping him.

In the warm light of the kitchen it had become very clear to Gladio that this Healer was in fact Noctis, despite all the changes. The facial structure practically screamed Lucis Caelum. There was also the magic – magic he had never seen or heard of before – and the fact that he knew his and Iris' name.

“Where the fuck have you been? Do you know how worried your father was? Still is, to this day? Do you know how the nobles are hounding him to produce another heir? He keeps refusing out of love for you and the late Queen and you sit here, healthy and alive, and play house! The King still hopes that you're alive and well, that you're coming home one day. Do you know what your actions did to Ignis? To Iris? To me? Do you-”

By the end he had been nearly screaming, ready to lunge across the table and beat some sense into his prince. If he even deserved that title anymore. But suddenly he was frozen in place. The words tumbling out of his mouth, halted on his tongue and his muscles refused to move. It was like time around him had been halted but everywhere else it moved forward like it always did. He couldn't even blink as he looked at the two people across from him.

Noctis had grown even paler than he already was, hunching his shoulders and shrinking into himself. Hiemi, the woman he had introduced as his wife – and wasn't that a whole other can of worms – was another story. Her eyes were blazing in fury as she rose from her chair, one arm held out in his direction. Around her wrist and along her forearm danced smoky grey chains. Sparks of green and yellow jumped between the individual links.

“Don't yah dare.” She hissed, her face contorted into a sneer. “Don't yah think he knows tha'? Mah husband knows the consequences of his actions quite well, knave Gladiolus. Yah bet there's a damn good reason for it, do yah understand me?”

“Hiemi”, Noctis said in a tone that was barely more than a whisper. At once her attention was on him. “Let him go, please. It's fine.”

“It damn well isn't, and yah know it! Shield or not, friend or not, he can't jus' walk in here and treat yah like this. Healer. Noctis. It's not yahr fault. Yah couldn't 've done anything different. Not with Him watching.”

Gladio listened with growing concern. What was she talking about? Who was this Him? The way he said it he couldn't be a nice guy. Noctis made a keening noise so full of old hurt and fear and guilt that Galdio would have recoiled, if he were able. The prince pressed his face into her abdomen, his hands grasped at the cloth of her tunic and his shoulders shook as if he was crying. She didn't say anything but carded her hands through his long, tangled hair with a tender expression on her face. Gladio dearly wanted to look away, shaken to his core at the scene before him.

“Ssshhhh”, made Hiemi and continued to pet Noctis' hair until he pulled away.

The prince's eyes were thankfully dry and he didn't look quite as much as an anak caught in the headlights anymore. His wife pressed his cup of tea into his hands and he took a sip. And then another, the action calming him down further.

“Now”, she said, her tone brooking no argument, “we're all going tah sit down and talk like the adults we all are. Am ah clear?”

Here she looked sternly at Gladio who still couldn't move. He wished he could point that out to her.

“Mah life, yah need tah take off the spell first”, Noctis reminded her with an amused twitch at the corner of his mouth.

Due to her pale skin, the redness in her cheeks was very noticeable as she cancelled whatever she had done with one last warning look towards him. The chains around her forearm vanished. He carefully flexed his fingers and shifted his weight, to see if everything was back in working order, but he wisely kept his mouth shut and waited for either of the two to speak first. Their short exchange had made it clear that there was more going on than he had thought – than anyone had thought – and he wanted to know what it was.

It was Noctis who started the conversation again.

“Tha' night in tha' alleyway ah was scared shitless, Gladio, and it wasn't because of tha' old drunk with the broken bottle.”

“What in the name of Bahamut's blades happened to you?” asked Gladio and watched uncomprehending, as both of them flinched slightly.

“Please, don't say His name. Down here, He can't see me”, Noctis pleaded.

“What do you mean, down here He can't see you? Wait, the He you were referring to is-?”

Gladio swallowed down the name Bahamut, but the other two knew exactly who he meant. They nodded in unison.

“But why?”

He didn't understand this at all.

“The Bladed One's still one of the Six, one of the Astrals, but His standing, from what ah understand of what Healer told me, is more tha' of the Infernian up there”, answered Hiemi and motioned towards the ceiling.

Ignis would love this.

The sudden thought made Gladio realize that he needed to get the advisor in on this. Gladio himself was in over his head. But that was for later. Now...

“So Ba- the Bladed One is some kind of traitor, a malevolent deity? What does that have to do with why you're hiding in this dump?”

Both of them bristled at his words and Hiemi opened her mouth, clearly prepared to argue, but Noctis' hand on her shoulder held her back. She leaned backwards, still glaring at Gladio like he had insulted her personally.

“It's got everything tah do with it”, said Noctis. “Do yah know the stories of the Lucis Caelums tha' had a magic different from wha' was expected of them?”

Gladio hesitated. He tried to think of the old stories Noctis had liked to read in the archives, when he had been allowed down there, but none came to mind. It was strange, since this was the main reason he had started to like reading historical romance. Try as he might, he couldn't remember a single of those stories the young prince had liked to ramble about on occasion.

“I... cannot say I do, no”, he admitted, feeling strangely ashamed of it.

Noctis just sighed. “Tha's alrigh'. They've always ended violently, with the death of the Lucis Caelum in question, and more often than not with innocent bystanders dead. There're records of Kings killing their own children tah minimize the inevitable damage they'd cause if left tah live. Dad told me the last one left to live died when he collapsed a house on top of him, also killing the people within the building and most of the bystanders. Ah managed tah find records from the Founder's time, where King Somnus decreed in the Bladed One's name tha' every child not of black magic was Bad Faith.”

Gladio gave a quiet curse. He remembered now, the sordid stories Noctis had told and had given him a sour taste in his mouth every single time. The prince seemed to have noticed his discomfort at his retellings and had stopped them after some time. It hadn't stopped him from going into the archives, however.

All of a sudden he had a very bad feeling about this.

“Please tell me you aren't one of those cases, Noctis”, he all but begged, already knowing the answer to this.

Ruefully, the prince in hiding shook his head. “If he finds me it's only a question of time before something happens. Do yah understand? Ah can't go Up because for some reason we can't figure out, He can't find me here. As long as ah'm here nothing'll happen.”

“And what of the rest of Lucis? Should it fall into chaos, conquered by Nifelheim, because you were too much of a coward?”

Noctis pressed his lips into a thin line in displeasure. “And what would you have me do, Gladio? Wait for the dragon to kill me? I've wanted to just march up to the Citadel so many times, I've lost count. You have no idea how much it hurt to stay away from all of you.”

In his ire he was starting to lose that damn accent that had been starting to grate on Gladio.

“Stop!” thundered Hiemi before the argument could escalate any further, her presence backed up by the feeling of powerful magic. “We've been talking abou' contacting His Royal Majesty for some time now. 'Specially in the last few days. The children've been excited ever since they heard we've been considering it. Healer, ah think it's abou' time we finally did it.”

“I... yes”, he relented after a few moments of silence. “It's abou' time.”

[curtainxfall]

Kim vs Epilepsy

I am epileptic. It’s been a whole year since I’ve gotten diagnosed now. Had my first seizure at 17. I don’t think it’s fully hit me yet. To think of a life with a chronic disorder. It’s worsening by the day. I almost died in the hospital in July. The feeling of not being able to breathe, wanting to feel normal. Everything is too overstimulating for my brain. I wish I could just say “I’m out” like giving up on something. I can’t. It’s stuck on me. I’m on my 4th medication, I failed 3 meds prior to this. I don’t think they’re helping. My brain feels swollen. The amount of damage. I feel weak, extremely. Went to the hospital on Friday. Over 5 minutes they said. I remain in the high risk zone. PIH in Whittier has the shittiest fucking service. I’ll never forget when I went in 2017 and the doctor started to pinch me really hard. Imagine seizing and crying at the same time. All because he thought I was faking it. Who fakes a fucking seizure?? When the nurse walked in, her face changed. A disturbed look on her face. “What happened to your arm? Your bruises?” They were purple and green. I told her the doctor and the other 4 nurses that were in here did that to me, that they were laughing while pinching me. Back to the now. I don’t want to get sent to outpatient isolation. I know that’s what’s going to happen next. What if they do that to me there too. What are they going to do to me? Thinking about it gives me anxiety. I want to escape, but no matter where I go it won’t go away. Having a epilepsy feels like a burden, I feel like a burden. My seizures, they’re so violent. I want to cry all the time but I’m trying my hardest to keep my emotions under control. I’m not having a good recovery. Ive been taking space from people in my reality. I need time to myself. My brain needs space. Like a clenched fist, it aches. Anything not silenced will push it off edge. Tired of hospitals, tired of getting IV scars in the same arm, tired of them thinking it’s because I’m doing drugs. It’s getting more serious than before, my condition. Am I going to live past my 20s? I try not to think about it. I don’t want to think about it. I wish Brian was here sometimes. Who wants to be with someone that’s epileptic anyways.

[maljean89]

I turned 30 and got my tubes tied

Just shy of a week ago I had my very first surgery — I got my tubes tied. Although, “getting your tubes tied” is sort of an out-of-date term these days come to find. Nowadays, removing your entire fallopian tubes is the standard for a couple of reasons: removing them completely (as opposed to tying, clamping or cauterizing) can prevent the occurrence of an ectopic pregnancy and can reduce the risk for Ovarian Cancer. Dude, I have so much cancer in my family, if I can reduce my risk for one kind, I’m down. 

I’m really glad I’ve never had surgery before because going into it blindly was probably the best thing for me. I had no idea what to expect and if I had I think I would have been even more of an anxious mess than I already was. I am the queaziest, most fainty human being on the planet, so the entire experience of having the 3 attempts to put my IV in was a little hellish. But being put under felt pretty cool and before I knew it, I was waking up and it was all over. It took a solid 3 days of doing nothing but laying on my back and hobbling to the toilet before I started to feel like a human again. And let me tell you — having a boyfriend with an amazing sense of humor kind of sucks when laughing causes you pain. But he took the best care of me and 6 days later I’ve got a way less bloated and swollen tummy (looked like I was pregnant for a couple days) and my insides feel like normal again. I’ve got these 3 sweet battle wound scars — two on either side of my lower abdomen and one in my belly button — and I can officially say that I’m sterile as a cotton ball. 

I’m pretty excited that I now have a response when people inevitably ask “So when are you and Jonah going to have a baby?” I’m going to enjoy it a little too much to be able to say, “Never actually. I had my tubes tied.” Telling people you don’t want kids makes them incredibly uncomfortable for some reason. I’ve never really understood it, but one of two things usually happen. One: they get real awkward and change the subject, never to be visited again. Or two: the barrage of questions begins. Some people are genuinely interested. Some people feel the same way and I get high fives. Some people do the whole, “well, you’ve got plenty of time to change your mind” routine. 

The thing that probably kills me the most though is when people ask why. 

“Why don’t you want to have kids? If you don’t mind my asking,” they’ll say.

You got a few hours? People ask this question like its a simple answer. Dude, if its a simple answer, I highly recommend that you don’t get sterilized because one simple answer isn’t sufficient. I have scores of reasons! And the reasons why I don’t only stand to inform the actions I would take if I oddly changed my mind someday. 

I thought I’d share some of my many reasons with you all. Some are emotional, some are physical, some are financial — they’re all over the place. If you don’t care — thats cool. If you think I’m stupid — you’re entitled to your opinion. But I do think it would broaden your vision a bit to read why someone might not want to reproduce. If you’re one of the people judging me, I encourage you to take a moment to learn about someone different than yourself.

1. Physically, I legit can’t handle it. I know every woman is probably terrified of actually giving birth, but I literally could not handle it. I have to lay down to get a flu shot, and stay laying down for a solid 10 minutes or I’ll pass out. Getting my blood drawn makes me faint every time. And just discussing the process of inserting a NuvaRing with my gyno made me lightheaded and have to lay down. Getting my lady exam every year makes me so nervous I often present with high blood pressure because my nerves get the better of me so badly. Don’t think I could handle 9 months of discomfort, thinking about whats happening to my insides, and then the inevitable pain of actual birth. And even if I somehow could handle it — I don’t want to put myself through that. No thanks, I’ll pass.

2. Financially, I don’t want the burden. People may think thats a cold reason to not want kids, but I’m just being honest. I’m a fucking millennial for god’s sake — I’ll be drowning in student loan debt until the day I die, paying off only the interest on my income based repayment plan each month. I’m just now at 30 years old feeling stable with my own income for the first time ever. And to be 100% honest with you, I want to spend my money on me and my partner, not a small person who doesn’t even understand what money is and how hard I have to work for it. If you can look past that — high five to you, but I can admit that I’m not that big of a person.

3. I don’t want the strain on my body. I’m not special in that I’ve struggled with my body image my whole life. And sure — you can argue all you want that having kids is more rewarding than having a hot bod. And I’m sure thats true for some people. But vainly, I just don’t want to ruin my body like that. I’ve got enough stretch marks on my inner thighs and love handles from when I was heavier. I shall opt for keeping my bladder and vagina and breasts in tact for as long as I can. #SorryNotSorry

4. It’s not what I want my day to day life to be about. I enjoy being around kids of a certain age for a very short amount of time, and somehow that window gets smaller and smaller as they get older. I don’t have enough time for myself, I can’t even imagine having every moment be about feeding and changing and crying and being sick and everything else. Worrying about myself and the people I love is all I have the energy and time for folks. Its wonderful that some people are happy having every day be about play dates and going to the park and doing whatever Mommy-and-Me crap you mothers out there do — but thats just not who I am. I enjoy traveling and seeing the world, experiencing art and theater and music, trying really hard and failing at making alone time for myself, falling in love with Jonah more and more every day, searching for a woman to fall in love with at the same time, and a million other things I could spend hours writing about. In everything I want for my life, there just isn’t a kid running around in that mix.

5. I’ve got some weird Mom-related reasons swirling around in my noggin, too. My relationship with my mother was very special to me. I was an only child raised by a single mom and that, my friends, creates bonds unlike any other. In the three years since she’s died, I’ve realized how sacred my time with her was. I even had a window of time where I thought I was going to cancel getting my tubes tied because I had this morbid realization that by having a baby, and possibly a little girl, I could have a piece of my mom back again. Thats not a healthy way to think. I talked my feelings out with my loved ones and ended up back at my decision to have the procedure. Somehow, the mother-daughter relationship that I had with her is the only one I want to have in my life. 

6. Other areas in my life deserve my love and attention more than a child. First and foremost — my love life is too important to me. Jonah is my world. And aside from the fact that on our first date he told me he didn’t want to have any more kids (he has a daughter from a previous relationship), our life doesn’t have room for an infant. Our life together — my career, my company, other creative and business ventures I have brewing in my head, Jonah’s music,  our love life being polyamorous — all of these things deserve my love and attention more than having a baby. And guess what? As mentioned above, I already get to have a daughter in a sense! I get to have this super cool friendship/stepmom/parent-type thing with a wonderful little girl that came from the man of my dreams. I can’t wait to see her blossom into a young woman and see what she’ll achieve in life. ALSO, I have an amazing nephew who is about the same age and even though I don’t get to see him every day the way his mom saw me every day, I love the bond I have with him and getting to see him grow into such a sweet and upstanding young man. All of this and more deserve my love and attention more than creating another human.

7. I don’t think its necessary to populate the world with more people. If I lose anyone big time with any of these reasons, I think this one might be it. We as human beings are literally ruining this planet. There are too many people in existence as it is. We’re polluting the ocean at an alarming rate, global warming is all our fucking fault, and every year more and more animals hit that endangered species list or worse, become extinct. Don’t get me started on animal rights! More people just create more garbage, more waste, more problems. I’m sure you love your big family and think you’re not part of the problem, but guess what — we all are. I don’t want to add to it. I can help not add to it by the following...

8. I would choose adoption over reproducing any fucking day. When I had my initial doctors appointment to schedule my tubal ligation, my doctor obviously asked me why I wanted the procedure done. I rambled off a few of these reasons I’ve just shared with you and closed with this: “If for some crazy reason I want nothing more than to have a child 10 years from now, I would want to adopt anyway.” And that was the end of that conversation. There are so many children that need foster homes or to be adopted. In Minnesota alone, an article from this past January from Kare 11 states that “this year alone some 17,000 children will need temporary, out-of-home placements.” I saw an adorable little boy at the grocery store the other day running in front of his parents. For one second I thought, there are I don’t even know how many little boys just like him that need homes across the globe. The thought broke my heart. If I wake up 5 years from now and want nothing more than to be a mom, I want to change someone’s life and give them the loving home they otherwise might not ever have.

9. I’ve never had a strong will to be a mother. Sure, when you’re in grade school you might trade future baby names with your girlfriends at recess. For me it was Hayden for a boy and Aslynn for a girl. But as a teenager and adult, that daydream disappeared. I’ve never longed to be a mother, or to have any sort of a conventional life for that matter. It’s always seemed really boring and expected and normal. One of the very very few positive things that came out of my relationship with my ex-husband was the day he helped me realize that I just assumed I’d have kids someday because thats what society had drilled into me. The moment I stood back and really honestly asked myself, “Do I want kids?” I had my answer. No. And I’ve never looked back.

10. Most importantly, my body was made for more than reproduction. I know we don’t live in medieval times — this isn’t Game of Thrones no matter how much I wish it was. We live in an age of being a career mom and female empowerment up the wazoo. But theres still this thing floating around out there in the world that its expected of me to reproduce. Ridiculous abortion laws like the one that just passed in Georgia that makes it illegal to get an abortion after 6 weeks makes me feel like we’re only glimpsing the tip of the iceberg of whats coming down the pipes. The only person who can control what I do with my body is me goddamn it. My female body can do just as much (AND MORE) than any male body can. Maybe its just me being stubborn or thinking I’m more important than I am, but I firmly believe my body can do a million more important things shit out children. I truly believe we are heading to a Handmaid’s Tale existence, and I won’t be a part of it. I refuse.

I didn’t write this blog to make you feel like shit if you are a mother, and enjoy being a mother. Everyone is different. I respect that. But we all have different perspectives. And I truly believe that there are a lot of moms out there that didn’t think long and hard enough about this life-changing decision, and now they’re stuck with it for life. At the end of the day — you’re going to do you, and I’m going to do me. But maybe you have a little insight into what goes on in a head like mine, and why motherhood doesn’t have to be your future if you don’t want it to be.

I’ll be honest with you — I sort of have this weird feeling that for once I have total control over my own body. Pregnancy has been this fear stamped on my love life since I took that dive at 14 and I finally feel free from it. I don’t know, maybe I’m blowing it out of proportion. I could be feeling that way because I just bought my first house and have this cool, new perspective on taking control of my life. But somehow, I’ve never felt more in control in 👏🏻 my 👏🏻 life 👏🏻

Watch out world. The only one in control of my life and my body is me. 

[namjoonsteeth]

Ruin The Friendship (part IV)

Title: Ruin The Friendship (mini-series) Part 4

Word-Count: 6.4k

Pairing: Jay Park/ Reader (kinda)

Summary: Best friends to lovers. Inspired by Ruin The Friendship - Demi Lovato.

Genre: Smutty Fluff

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 5

We fall into a routine.

He’s working on an album right now on top of tons of collaborations. In the morning, I can account for him to be either at the studio or the gym. I work at my studio with Bora preparing for award season. We book a lot of consultations and do hours of research to the point that we could name menswear by designer from this season.

At night Jay’s at the studio. He works into the morning often, sending me snippets of him singing riffs. Sometimes, he’s at my door at two o’clock in the morning, a sleepy smile on his face. Other times it’s me, climbing in his bed waiting until he slips in beside me.

We talk a lot. We talk about how different our lives are compared to how we thought it would be. We talk about each other, we talk about love and hope, and wanting more still.

We have sex; slow, hot, and tired; rough, knee-shaking, fucks; quick mid-day romps that leave us wanting more but holds us over until we can get our hands on each other again.

Most importantly, we laugh. I’ve long since gotten used to the universe knowing that I’m in love with my best friend. Sometimes I wonder exactly what it is about him that made it essential for me to love him the way that I do. I don’t think I’ll ever really get an answer. I just know that he’d always meant to be apart of my life. From childhood to adulthood, we’d found each other again and again.

Jay: I think this is the ugliest picture I have of you.

We’ve been doing this for the past hour. He includes a picture of me that I’m sure is hidden somewhere deep in my parents’ basement back home in Seattle. I’m crying hysterically over a pair of concert tickets on Christmas morning. My hair sticks up in every direction which luckily (I think) draws attention away from the reindeer pajamas my mom pressured my sister and I into wearing. I’m at least sixteen by the way; old enough for this to be the most embarrassing thing I’ve ever laid eyes on.

Y/n: Burn it. You win.

Jay: I’ll delete it if you replace it...

I roll my eyes. The idea of sending nudes has never been something I really scoffed at. I’ve done it at least twice in my life. But there’s just something about how bad Jay wants a photo of my body that he’s sees almost every night that has me feeling a little bit powerful. I’m not ready to relinquish that yet.

Y/n: the porn industry is a million dollar business for a reason

Jay: it’s not the sameee😩😩

Y/n: just delete the damn picture Jay

Jay: nope. I think I found my next WCE picture

Y/n: im not having sex with you until you delete the picture

Jay: 😂😂😂😂😂😂

Jay: Says the girl who begs me to come over at four in the morning.

Dammit. He’s right.

Y/n: That was one time and I was hormonal.

My phone rings, Jay’s face flashing.

“What do you want?”

He laughs and I’m so glad he’s at work instead in front of me because I can’t even pretend to be upset at him when he laughs. Bora shoots me a look from her desks. I think she’s a little confused as to how Jay and I actually like each other when we’re bickering every other minute.

“Is this how you treat me? After I spent all night letting you have your filthy way with me,”

“You’re probably the most annoying person in South Korea,”

“You love me,” he says.

“I do,” I tell him. We don’t say it often. Sometimes I whisper it at night when I’m sure he’s half asleep and the only response I get is his arms tightening around me as if he’s saying, ‘Yeah, me too,’. Or sometimes when he feels too good sliding against me, I think the words so hard that they slip out.

“Did you tell Bora about Henz tonight?”

“I did. She’s in,”

Jay has been working non-stop since he came back from the states two weeks ago. And because he feels like going out tonight, we’re going out. It’s been a while since I’ve been out with Jay and his friends.

The day passes slowly. Bora and I finalize Zino’s look and pack away everything neatly for next week. She laments again about how she’ll be so lonely in LA without me. I assure her that her boyfriend Jin will more than make sure she has a good time. Giving my plane ticket to Jin seems to be becoming more and more of a good idea.

As much as Jay pushed me into the decision a little, I know it was a good one. I can’t lie and pretend that if the tables were turned, I’d be 100% comfortable with him on a weekend trip with someone I’m not fond of. I trust him. I really do, but I’m selfish enough to want every part of him to myself.

By the end of our day, Bora promises to see me in a few hours and we lock up the studio. I take an Uber back to Jay’s place where I’d left an overnight bag for tonight. I sleep until Jay gets in, waking me up by laying his whole body on me.

“Come on, man,” I groan failing to push his heavy body off of me.

He laughs, holding his body rigid like he’s planking.

“Get off of me you weigh so much,” I say tiredly. He rolls over, pulling my body into his arms.

“Come on, baby. Get up, I miss you,”

“I was sleeping,” I groan into his chest. If there’s one thing I hate, it’s getting woken up. He knows this. He’s been on the receiving end of my wrath plenty of times, yet he doesn’t care.

“It’s about to be nine,” he says, his arms around me. I sigh, squeezing my eyes shut.

“I had an alarm set,”

“Too bad,” he laughs. “Get up, it takes you at least four hours to do your makeup,”

“Shut up, it doesn’t,” I yawn and stretch out my body against him. “Give me another hour. Just lay here with me,”

His arm drapes across my face. “Ok, baby,”

I fall asleep again while Jay taps away on his phone, he plays sound clips really quietly, holding the phone to his ear. When it’s time to get up again, I shower and get dressed while he spends another hour in bed. I finish my light make up and by the time I’m done, he’s right where I left him looking like a whole model. He’d changed into a silk patterned top, tucked halfway into his dark jeans. His hair is gelled up a little.

He stands when he sees me, a cute wide smile on his face. He pulls me against his chest. He smells clean, like the soap I’ve been using every time I stay over. A hand moves up my leg, sliding beneath my dress and settling on my ass.

“We have to go,” I smile up at him. My arms come up around his neck, drawing him close.

He brushes his knuckles across my jaw while his other hand squeezes at my flesh. He looks at me like he’s ready to call the whole night off. All he has to do is say a single word and the dress would be on the floor.

“You look beautiful baby,” he tells me. His tongue presses to the corner of his mouth, his eyes going to my lips.

I look down at myself. A curve-hugging basic red T-shirt dress that brushes the top on my thighs, and black high heeled boots that just barely meet the hem. I’d thrown a denim jacket over my shoulders to keep from freezing to death. It’s nothing special by far. There’s no point in doing the most when it’s all going to be thrown on my floor later. I’d be lucky if my impatient boyfriend doesn’t end up ripping some part of this outfit tonight. Still, the way he looks at me makes me feel like I’m the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen. And it hits me like a punch to the chest; I’ve seen this look before. When he’d stepped off the plane when he went back home to Seattle all that time ago,  and when he’d picked me up from ICN just three years ago.

I lean up to press my lips against his. His arms flex around my waist, holding me tight against his body. The kiss only lasts a few short seconds, but it’s so sweet I’m not ready to pull away from him yet.

“I’m proud of you,” I tell him. I think I’ve said it a thousand times and yet he just keeps doing more, being better, becoming who he wants to be. I don’t know if I’ll ever be done letting him know. Tonight feels different though. Like we’ve finally arrived where we’ve been meant to be all these years. I’m still right next to him. He’s still rooting for me.

His hands smooth down my dress before he laces his fingers with mine. I reach up to smudge away the red lipstick that’s smudged on the side of his lips. It’s funny how domesticated we’ve become in the last three weeks; easily as if there’s no other way to be.

“Thank you,” he says before pressing his lips against my jaw.

He pulls me through his living room toward the door and I grab my purse on the way out. I follow behind him until we get out front. He moves aside so I can slide in the back of the Uber he’d called for before he slides in beside me. His arm comes around my shoulders.

“Is it bad that I don’t even want to go out anymore?” Jay asks with half a smile, looking at his phone.

I don’t really want to go out either but I think my reasons are completely selfish in comparison to his. He always looks good, but tonight I want to pull him out of that Gucci silk top.

“You can’t work yourself to death,” I tell him, pushing a piece of hair off of his forehead.

“I know, I know. I just,” he trails off for a second, looking out the window of the car. He’s been very introspective lately. I see it on his face. As much as he doesn’t like to let on, I know he’s a little scared. The music industry, especially in the states isn’t guaranteed. He’s willed all of this good stuff to happen on his own, but a record label as big as Roc Nation is a new world. He’s had experiences with a large company before and it almost stopped him in his tracks before he’d had a chance.

“I want to do good,” he says finally.

“I don’t think it’s possible for you not to,” I tell him. “Look at everything you’ve made for yourself, by yourself. You succeed. It’s just what you do,”

“And if I don’t?”

“You’ll still own my heart and this ass,” I joke smiling at him.

He laughs shaking his head at me.

“For whatever it’s worth,” I say seriously. “I’ll be here. I’ve always been here,”

He leans in to kiss me again, his tongue gliding over my bottom lip. It’s making it a little hard for me to be excited about having him out of my bed when he touches me like everything from now on is just a precursor for what’s sure to happen later. I wonder if this is how it always is with everyone else; going through the day just so we can get back to touching each other in the dark away from the world.

When he pulls away I roll my eyes at his mouth. I pull out a makeup remover wipe from my person and wipe his lips before starting to reapply my lipstick.

“Can’t you use like clear or something? I can’t kiss you if you’re wearing that shit,” he pushes his bottom lip out.

“You’re not going to be kissing me at all because you’re going to go have fun with your friends while Bora and I stay on the dance floor,”

As always it’ll be a big deal when Jay shows up tonight. He commands the attention regardless of the occasion. Tonight is all about him, and I want him to have as much fun as he usually does without looking over at me every few seconds.

We pull up to Henz before he can say anything. I see Bora and her boyfriend Jin waiting outside for us. The line wraps around the building as if word got out that Jay would be in tonight. He grabs my hand, pulling me behind him as we exit the car. We greet Bora and Jin as Jay guides us toward the entrance, bypassing the line. I shake myself free of Jay.

“Go have fun,” I tell him.

He shoots me a look just as Bora shoos her own boyfriend away. Everyone has already spotted him, pushing him toward the closed-off section some of his friends are in. I’m sure there are tons of people over there that’ll help him celebrate.

“I’m going to get a drink. We’ll meet up with you guys later,”

“You can get a drink brought to you over there,” he yells over the music.

“I’ll text you,” I tell him, blowing a kiss and leaving toward the bar. Bora’s hand finds mine as we make our way through the crowd.

“You’re the only girl I know that would leave Jay Park in a club full of women,”

“I trust him,” I say dodging out of the way of a girl who’s carrying one too many shots.

“I know it’s not him I’m worried about. There are already girls moving to get their hands on him,”

I look behind me to see that she’s right. People are going crazy as he makes his way toward VIP. From here I can see a few aomg and h1ghermusuc guys welcoming him into the small section. The smile on his face is enough to know that I made the right decision to keep my distance for a little while. It’s been a little time since he’d last came out like this, with his friends just to enjoy the night. I don’t want him catering to me like I know he’d do.

“I guess it’s a good thing I’m the only one that gets to take him home then,” I smile at her while we wait for a spot at the bar.

An hour later and Jay and his friends have commandeered the club just as I expected. They all take turns performing their songs and just generally having a good time. When the DJ makes an announcement, shouting out Jay’s new label deal, the club gets amped up just a little more. I can’t keep the stupid grin off of my own face at my boyfriend’s face. He’s happy. He’s enjoying himself, and it’s all that’s ever mattered to me.

He catches my eye, his head tilting for me to come join him at the center of the attention. I shake my head and wave him off. His lips poke out in the cutest pout but he lets it go. Bora and I linger close to the bar, away from the crowd but close enough to keep eyes on our guys.

“It’s kind of amazing how they kind of just turned this into their show,” Bora notes. She watches as Loco takes the mic and the first notes of a song further hype the crowd.

I nod, tilting my drink back until it’s finished. “It’s a little overwhelming,”

“Get used to it, babe,” she tells me. “The way he looks at you, it’s ridiculous that you guys are only just starting out,”

I laugh and look at her. “How does he look at me?”

She shrugs. “I don’t know like he’s always been in love with you. It’s just weird to see you guys be so domesticated so quickly,”

“He’s been my best friend for years,” I remind her.

“How did you watch all of this; the girls and the parties and not feel,” she trails off.

“Jealous? I don’t know. I just knew he’d always belonged in my life in any way he fit, I made room. And he did the same,”

I think about all the times I had to distance myself from him a little because of someone I was dating and he wordlessly just understood. We adjusted.

“You guys are disgusting,” she laughs. I can’t disagree with her.

Suddenly, Bora slaps my arm. Her eyes follow someone who steps up behind me. I look back. It’s Zino. I inwardly roll my eyes at his dimples smirk. He pushes his hair back out of his face.

“What a nice surprise,” he smiles at Bora and me.

“Nice to see you,” Bora greets.

I manage a smile, thinking about the small fight he’d indirectly caused between Jay and I. It wasn’t his fault. In fact, he hasn’t actually done anything wrong. I can’t hold him accountable for anything. After all, Jay was the one who slept with his girlfriend.

“Let me buy you another drink,” he offers, eyeing my empty glass.

“Oh no, I’m good. Thank you anyway,”

Zino nods stuffing his hands in his pockets. An awkward silence falls over the three of us. He works with Bora more than I, so they should be able to hold a decent conversation.

“I’d like to apologize,” he says suddenly, his eyes on me. “I think I must have offended you the other week,”

“No,” I shake my head. I still haven’t figured out a way to explain that my boyfriend doesn’t like him and wants us to not be associated in any way, which is the reason I’ve decided not to go on the free LA trip he’d offered. “It’s ok. I’m just,”

God this is uncomfortable. “We’re busy,” Bora offers for me. “Y/n forgot we had clients booked for award season during next week,”

He twists his lips, chewing on the corner. I don’t know if he’s buying it. Instead of responding, he orders a beer before turning back to us.

“So business is good?”

I nod. “Yeah, everything is good,”

He tilts his beer at the stage. “Jay’s doing well?”

I don’t know why I feel so protective of Jay. I’m immediately on the defensive when Zino mentions his name.

“Yeah, he’s doing really well. He just signed a deal with Roc Nation,”

“I heard,” he says taking another sip of the beer in his hand. Another awkward silence settles around us.

I clear my throat looking around subtly for an excuse to get out of his space. A sudden push in the crowd forces the three of us closer. Zino’s shoulder presses against me. With Bora on my other side, there’s really nowhere to go.

“So, why are you guys not up there with them,” he asks.

I shrug. “It’s a little crazy up there,”

We all look at the guys jumping around up front. It looks fun and I’m sure it is, but it’s a lot. Zino laughs shaking his head as someone stands on a speaker. He reaches behind me to sit his bottle on the bar, his arm brushes my side slightly.

“What about you Bora,” he leans in to look at her on the other side of me. “No boyfriend tonight?”

She gestures behind her. “Jin’s up there somewhere. Probably completely out of his comfort zone, but he’s somewhere in the mix,”

I feel a hand behind me touch my waist. When I turn around, I’m met with my boyfriend’s hard face.

“Let’s go,” he whispers in my ear.

I frown at him. “That’s fine but we can’t just leave Bora here,”

“He’s making his way through,” he says tugging me further away from Zino.

“It’s ok, Y/n, I see him. Text me in the morning,” she says.

Jay leads me through the crowd. When we make it outside, he silently pulls out his phone to call a car. He puts space between us as we wait.

“What the hell is your problem?” I ask quietly. He hears me though. His grip on my waist tightens slightly. There are people watching, I’m sure. We’re running the risk of pictures of the two of us all over the Internet, something else I wanted to avoid tonight.

“I don’t want to talk about it right now,” he says. His eyebrows pinch into a frown. He looks at his phone, check where our Uber is.

“Jay,” I call him. He says nothing, his lips twisting to the side like he’s trying to hide a scowl.

“For fuck sakes-,”

He kisses me hard, taking the words out of my mouth. His tongue touches mine roughly. His hand snakes up to grip the nape of my neck. The way he kisses me, it shouldn’t be done in public. Yet, we’re here in front of the biggest club in Seoul, kissing like we’re in a bedroom.

When he pulls away, his forehead leans against mine.

“Just stop talking, Y/n,”

Our car pulls up right in front of us. Jay opens the back door for me. I slide in and he follows behind me. The drive feels like it takes forever. He barely looks at me. The tension is palpable. I watch the lights that pass hit his twitching jawline. He supposed to be mad but I’m so turned on I can’t see beyond the hard set of his mouth. I don’t know if it’s the two drinks I had that has my skin buzzing to touch his or the kiss. Either way, my hand slides up his thigh without me actually realizing it. He grips my fingers stopping them from going any further.

When we’re in front of the building, he tips the driver, slides out and waits for me to follow. He grips my hand and pulls me along upstairs.

“You’re mad?” I ask.

“Yeah, I’m fucking mad,”

We step into his place. I reach out to hold on to his shoulder so I can slip my shoes off. He stands still, letting me lean against him. When I’m finally barefoot, I wrap my arms around his neck, tilting my head up.

“Are you jealous?” I ask.

He stays silent, avoiding my gaze. I press my lips against his jaw that’s wound tight. I trail my mouth down his throat. He tugs at my arms. They drop to my side.

“You can’t seriously think that I’m interested in anyone else,” I roll my eyes. When he still doesn’t speak I slide past him.

“You’re fucking ridiculous,”

“He touched you,” Jay says finally. “He touched you and he stared at your body and when he saw that I was watching, he gave me the biggest fucking smile, Y/n,”

“It’s not like I fucked him, Jay,”

“He wants to fuck you though,”

I sigh, rubbing at my temples. This isn’t how I saw my night going. I should be wrapped around him by now, discovering eighty new ways to get him to bite his lip the way he does when he’s feeling extremely good.

“I don’t understand why you’re mad at me, though,”

“You put yourself in that position, Y/n. I told you to come up with me and the next thing I see is him all over you,”

“I’m not even entertaining this conversation,” I say walking away to head toward the shower. His hand on my hip stops me. I look up at him, the thunder in his eyes back.

“I’m selfish, Y/n. I don’t like other people wanting what’s mine,”

I open my mouth to tell him very matter of factly that I don’t belong to him. I’m not a piece of property. His mouth on mine stops any words. He kisses me hard, our teeth knocking together. I sigh against him, reaching up to wrap my arms around his neck. He stops me, gripping both of my wrists in his hands. He walks us backward until my back hits the wall behind me. He pins my wrists against the wall above my head.

“He touched you,” he says against my lips.

His mouth moves down my neck, biting at my skin. His hand tightens around my wrists, holding them above my head. My hips move against his, grinding against the bulge in his pants. His free hand pushes my dress up my thigh, exposing my thin lacy underwear. His fingers pull roughly at the fabric, and I hear the material tear.

“You owe me a pair of underwear,” I moan against his lips that fall on me.

Only illuminated by the light streaming in from outside, he’s like a dream. His light skin reflects yellow light, drawing the dark lines of his tattoos into focus. The only response I get is his fingers tightening around me. He uses his hand to lift my thigh around his waist, pinning my body against the wall with his hips.

“Keep your hands here,” he instructs, his grip loosening on my wrists. I do as I’m told enjoying the fire in his eyes. His gaze doesn’t leave mine as he opens his pants so he can pull himself out. Once he pulls a condom on, he grabs my wrists again. He pulls them down, pushing them against my chest as he plunges into me hard.

He moves against me fast, anchoring me in place with a hand on my hip. My legs wrap around his waist, drawing him closer. When my hips start to move with his, his fingers dig into my skin roughly. It feels too good. He holds me too tightly, fucks me too hard. I don’t last more than a few short minutes, my muscles spasm around him, my legs going slack. He reaches down, grabbing my thighs while he carries me to the couch. He lays me down, his body coming over mine.

“Jay,” I call, reaching up to grab at his slick hair. His mouth comes hard against mine again. Teeth pull at my bottom lip, roughly. He tastes too good to let him pull away. I hold his head against mine, kissing him until I’m gasping for breath.

His hips start to lose their rhythm as he chases after his own orgasm. His face falls into my neck, as he groans against me.

“Fuck, Y/n,”

I pull him tighter against my body, his sweat falling on my own skin. I don’t want to move. I could lay here for the rest of my life with the taste of him in my mouth and his body pressed to mine. He pulls away too quickly, going to the bathroom. I wait for him to come back. When he doesn’t, I sit up, pulling the dress back in place. I hear the shower cut on just as I start to approach.

*He really fucking left me there*

I haven’t been on the receiving end of Jay’s anger before. After being so high, I’m left feeling empty. But I know how he operates. He wants me to go after him, to beg him to talk to me, but I won’t. He’s mad at me because he can’t let this thing with Zino go. Even if I tell him how fucking ridiculous it is for him to feed into a grudge that really makes no difference now, he’ll still think I’m not taking his side.

Loyalty has always been a big thing for him, and I get it. But there comes a point where you have to see beyond what’s right in front of you. I don’t think I have to tell Jay that I don’t want Zino, or that I’m so stupid in love with him that it’s ridiculous. I hurt his pride, at the end of it, but that not for me to deal with.

I take a shower in the bathroom down the hall, ignoring the bruises that are already starting to appear on my skin. When I’m finished getting ready for bed, I slide in beside his still body.

“Did I hurt you?” He asks in the dark.

“No, I liked it,” I whisper.

He says nothing but shifts so that his back is toward me. I roll my eyes in the dark.

“You’re not talking to me now?”

He says nothing.

“God, sometimes, I can’t deal with you,”

I still get nothing.

“You’ve been with tons of women. And I had to see it all Jay. Not once did I hold it against you. All he does is talk to me, and you freak out like I’m some toy of yours he’s playing with without asking first,”

“It’s not the same thing,” Jay says. “We weren’t together,”

“I loved you the same way I do now, so don’t give me that shit. You’re embarrassed because you think he’s going to do to you what you did to him,”

“Don’t say it like that,”

“Fucking grow up, Jay,”

He stays silents which infuriated me even more. I turn, pushing my feet against his ass and kick him.

“Get up. Get up and talk to me,”

“Ow, Y/n, what the fuck,”

I push until he finally sits up. I can’t see his face but I can imagine that if looks could kill I’d been dead ten times over.

“This is how it works. I talk to whoever I want. Out of respect for you, I decided not to directly work with the guy, but I’m not going to ignore someone who is paying my business for service,”

“He’s just trying to get to me, Y/n. He’s not going to leave you alone because he knows how much it’ll kill me if,” he trails off not finishing his sentence. He doesn’t have to.

“You think I’d do that to you? You think I’m not so fucking crazy about you that’ll it makes me sick just thinking about anyone else touching me?”

“Y/n-,”

“I’m going home,” I slide out of the bed, looking for my phone to call an Uber to my apartment. I grab the first pair of pants I see and luckily they’re mine from when I left them here at some point. I slip them on. Ignoring Jay’s hands that grab for me.

“You can’t be mad at me when I’m mad at you,” he says, blocking the doorway.

I ignore him and push past to get my shoes from his living room. I grab my purse and pull it over my shoulder.

“I did nothing wrong, Jay. You don’t get to fuck me and then treat me like I’m part of the problem,” I cross my arms over my chest. We’ve fought more in the last month than we have throughout our whole friendship.

“I won’t keep going in this circle with you about Zino,” I tell him. My phone vibrates letting me know that my car is outside. “So, I’m going to go home. I don’t want you to call me until you figure out your own shit,”

“How did I become the one in trouble?”

“Because you’re acting like a child. Honestly Jay, the silent treatment?”

“What do you want me to say, Y/n? I’m sorry?”

“I want you not to treat me like shit,” I feel my eyes prick. I don’t want to cry in front of him. As upset as I am, I know he’ll feel a thousand times worse if he knows he made me cry. Still, moisture pools in my eyes and drop down my cheeks. I don’t even know why I’m crying. I love him. I love him and I don’t want to fight with him. We get limited time together and here we are arguing at three in the morning.

I turn away from him to wipe my eyes. It’s no use. My shoulders start to shake. I wrap my arms around myself, moving through the apartment to gather the rest of my things.

“Y/n, don’t do that. Come on,” he sees it. His arms come around me as he pulls me against his chest. My face presses against his skin making it impossible for him not to feel my tears smudge against him.

“Shit, please don’t cry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry, ok?” He rubs at my back but it only makes me tear up more. He lifts me off the ground and carries me back to his room. He sits on the edge of his bed and pulls me into his lap. His thumb comes beneath my eyes, wiping away the moisture.

“I’m sorry,” he says again.

“For making me cry or for being a dickhead?” I ask through tears.

He holds my face between his hands, forcing me to look at him.

“Both, Y/n. You don’t know how I feel about you. You’ve always been mine. When someone tries to threaten that,” he sighs, pulling my mouth against his. I don’t know how I always end up here, kissing him like he didn’t just make me upset. He has that thing about him. He can charm his way out of every situation.

“I want to go,” I say pulling away from him. “I don’t want to be here right now,”

His forehead presses against mine, his eyes close tightly. I don’t know why he’s doing this to us. We’re fine, actually more than fine we’re perfect until his head gets in the way.

“Sleep here and I’ll take the other room,” he says.

I don’t trust myself not to seek him out later tonight. I think we’re too used to each other. We need a little space. I stand off his lap and gather up my stuff. I have to call the Uber back because he’s long gone.

“I’m going to go,” I tell him clearing my throat. “I’ll call you,”

“Don’t leave,” he says, his fingers lace with mine pulling me back into his arms. His lips press to my neck. “Don’t leave,” he repeats against my skin.

I’m so weak. I’ve always been so weak for him. He looks at me with those brown eyes like he wants to keep me in this room just to love me for the rest of his life. The way he makes me feel, it’s intoxicating. It’s addicting. And I know his heart. I know he doesn’t mean to make me feel bad. I know he loves me beyond the sun and the moon.

Sometimes I wish I’d didn’t know him as well as I do. I wish I hadn’t gotten the chance to fall in love with every single part of him. It’s making me weak.

“It’s late,” he says. It’s nearly four. Too early in the morning for us to be even having this conversation. He’s right, though. I can’t imagine I’d go to my empty apartment and feel any better.

I look at him, his eyes are tired and a little bloodshot. He bites at his lip while he waits for my answer. His hair is a mess. Still, he’s so pretty my heart aches. I press my hand against the compass tattooed into his skin. My thumb tracing the points.

“I love you,” I whisper.

“I love you too,” he tells me quickly like he’s afraid I’ll go if he hesitates.

“I know,” I tell him. “But do you know that I love you? All of you, even the parts that drive me freaking crazy,”

“I’m sorry, Y/n-,” he goes to apologize again but I interrupt him.

“I don’t think you know. I don’t think you realize how much I love you, Jay,”

“I’m going to do better with you, Y/n. You just have to let me get used to him being around you,”

“It’s work, Jay. He’s just a guy. I shouldn’t have to tell you that I’m on your side,”

His hand spreads out on my thigh. “I know, baby,”

I stand from his lap again and step out of the joggers I’d pulled on. I climb back in bed behind him and reach my hand out for him to join me. I won’t be able to sleep if I know he’s just in the other room. At least that’s how I rationalize it. I ignore the fact that once again I’m sweeping just how hurt I am under the rug and hoping for the best.

Jay grabs my hand and settles beside me, pulling me against his chest. I trace my fingers over the ridges in his back.

“I’m sorry I made you cry,” he says.

“You’re too good for me,”

“Yeah, probably,” I yawn.

He laughs, taking my lips in the dark. He kisses me so thoroughly, that I forget that I’m supposed to be mad at him. I want him again. He’s turned me into a fiend. I suppress the urge to climb on top of him. Instead, I pull away and cuddle deeper into his chest.

He falls asleep quickly after that. He’s never not touching me during the night. His arm stays wrapped around me, or his hands grip my flesh, either way, he keeps me close. I stay up. To go from not having a single issue with someone for years to this. It’s just one thing, I tell myself. It’s just one thing that we have to get over and then we can get back to being us.

With so many pent-up feelings to literally last more than a decade, we’re just now being able to express them. It’s his personality, he’s competitive, he just doesn’t like the guy. I make excuses because the alternative, losing him, isn’t an option.

I shut my eyes finally, curling closer to him. He pulls me against his side tightly. All thoughts of anything other than how good it feels for him to hold me gets forced out. I don’t think about work, Korean rap stars, award shows. It all gets lost in the cadence of his breaths.

[survivorforestofhorrors]

Episode 4: what's the harm in a lil flirting - Liam

Me @ this swap when I’m in such a GREAT position on this Cat tribe. Literally for one, my name was never out considering everyone asked me for what names I’ve heard. Then two, I literally have two alliances which none of them have the same people. And they weren’t groups I made, people came to me wanting me in them lmao. The first one is me, Daulton, Livingston, and Keaton. Then the second one is me, Jesse, and Maynor. I also have a pretty good relationship with Dan and me and Josh have gotten along well so far. If Zach wasn’t exiled, I definitely could have been close with him too. It’s whatever, at least I have people who have trust in me moving into this swap which is all I need. And I got some peeps on this other tribe who I worked with at the first tribal so this could be good.

So, just when the cat lovers were really starting to feel like a family, we end up getting swapped. Apparently the people that did the best in each puzzle category last round became team captains, and Dan chose me thank GOD. I trust Dan a lot, and I’m glad he sees me as an asset to his game and wants me on his tribe. I also have Livingston from OG Macneil, so that’s good because him and I had the alliance with Grace and Keaton. Hopefully they are good over their tribes, and we make it back together again. The new tribe, the Morgan Tribe, is the tribe I care the least about just based on who’s on it. I obviously want Keaton to make it through, and I like Jessie a lot, but the other 4 are a little less important to my game. The new Samhain tribe is honestly iconic too, and I want Macneil and Samhain to win immunity. Which speaking of immunity, it’s a fucking creative challenge which I do not excel in at all. I just hope the other people on this tribe are good at creative challenges or we’re screwed.

a tribe swap!!!! spicy. I really was not expecting that one, so good on you hosts for shaking things up.  So my strategy for the swap was to pick everyone I was close with originally lmao. very complex strategy, I know. I will accept player of the season now.  But seriously, I wanted to pick people that I felt would want to work with me and that would not target me specifically if there were to be someone to flip.  

I picked Liam because I feel like we connected pretty well on the original 21 person shit show. I had said to him that I wanted to work with him and Nik had told me he was someone to really have on my side.  I then picked Livingston because I'm really trying this story arc redemption moment with him from trinity. I also... genuinely like him. I feel like we vibe really well and are upfront with one another about game stuff. I hope he doesn't let the past cloud anything going forward, but for now he's definitely my #1.  I then picked Zac because I really got along with him early on as well. A great byproduct of this is that he told me he's super close with Austin, which means thats either information I can exploit, or use to my advantage. If we go to tribal, I could easily target them as a pair, OR join forces with them against someone else. We love accidental connections coming through. Then I picked Daulton because I feel like if I hadn't, he would have been mad. I know what y'all are thinking, why not pick your alliance member Keaton? Well, here's the thing, I don't want to be stuck with the same people all game and really feel like I need to branch out. I also feel like Keaton will understand this better than Livingston, hence picking Livingston over Keaton. Anyway, back to Daulton. Daulton cracks me the fuck up with his blunt delivery. I just have really enjoyed working with him and would love to work with him and livingston moving forward. And that brings us to Austin, who I didn't necessarily pick, but who I was fine with getting. We had some good convos pre swap and I am looking forward to seeing where his heads at in this game.

As far as the challenge is concerned, I think a lot of direction is gonna come from Livingston, which is fine by me. I really am not a creative soul, so I feel like I will be channeling my energy into Livingston's creative process and let him take the wheel. I think we have a good shot of being untouched into the next phase of the game but we'll see. Also, I feel like I basically found the key to all the advantages in the game tonight in my idol search, so trust and believe i'm about to fuck this game up ladies!

I had high hopes from our first new tribes and the way I play is short, simple, and sweet. Tim made a 5 person alliance of people i liked, and i thought that it was good. Liam is extremely solid, brandan is good not great, and Nik is typically okay on a short term basis. But i had my reserves on Nik, and of course Nik saw the opportunity to break me and Tim up, even though we arent this duo who will flip flop, fuck people up, we are old school people, we find our people we roll with them, we get to the end. We're loyal, but we aren't stupid. 

The minute I saw Tim was getting a lot of the votes and that it got too quiet, i knew the fix was in. Liam has been our informant and I went out of my comfort zone right into the mainchat ala Nik style. I called them out, and I had the immunity idol. The GTO play (Game theory optimum) would be to let Tim go and play the game by myself and break that perception and have an idol. But I AM LOYAL. I do not let my ride or dies sink in the game. I have never voted tim out of a game nor will i ever let him go home if i have anything to say about it.

We manuevered the vote dynamics, made sure the votes were on him, and we made Nik get to steppin. Moving forward it would have been very tough but now a swap is among us.

-

So we just swapped, and Tim was tribe captain. Exactly what we needed. Nik was 100% right, all i need is one swap and just a few rounds to mobilize my army and build a coalition. Give me time, and i will break people. Not in a bad way. I need people who will be dedicated, and will never waver, never flip. My militia is called the L&J team. Me, Tim, Liam, thats 3, 3/18 = 1/6. Now we recruit Zach, and we pull in grace. 5/18. 27% of the cast. I begin to like these odds once the numbers dwindle and we keep our people in the game.

I may seem like this menace, but I am extremely calculated and people who give me their word I will return the favor. Me and Tim are loyal people. But if you are halfway with me, or are against me we will fucking murder you in cold blood. 

Josh V is the next to go, Brandan worst case if we lose again. We aren't going anywhere anytime soon, we found our people, now we show the game what we can do.

You ever have those moments where you're hyped, but also not hyped at the same time? Well this is one of those times. I got a fucking idol!!!! but I also earned our tribe a disadvantage in the challenge in the process. So that basically means to me that you probably get a disadvantage any time you get an advantage. or are in the process of getting an advantage. So that means Tim probably got pretty close to getting something, or got something. I'm not sure if that means Zach got an advantage (exile) or if that was his disadvantage? Idk, I'm fucking nervous now, we're gonna have to pull out all the stops for the challenge. 

My worry about the challenge is that we don't really have a story line, we just have the slasher concept. I mean, realistically, I would love to have my idol for myself later in the game, but I would also rather get rid of it if we lose this comp because of my disadvantage... I'm very nervous now, and I think I fucked my game up with this whole idol search business. I hate everything lmao. Well played hosts, well played.

I feel so fucking guilty. I know there’s probably a bunch of people in here laughing at me and saying I’m an idiot, but I literally didn’t mean to get a fucking disadvantage. I’m really considering just leaving zac or Livingston my idol and getting voted out. I’m so fucking mad at myself.

-

So I’m feeling more into the game today now that I’ve slept on it. My plan is to fucking stay by any means necessary. I spoke with Livingston just now and told him about my idol. Obviously I know that could come back and bite me in the ass, but frankly I’m playing the idol tonight if I’m in danger or not so fuck y’all. But anyway, I do trust Livingston more than anyone else here. We have a good rapport and I know he’s a loyal guy. So lettuce pray that everything works out and I can idol out a big threat hehehe

-

Tribal in two hours. It’s me or zac. I’m voting zac and I’m playing my idol so square up with your idol boo

Well Well Well... I'm not having a good day! I heard it's Zac going... I REFUSE! He will not be going on my watch! Zac is an ICON who I love and adore! I was LITERALLY crying at the thought of voting him out so imma fight for him! I REALLY don't wanna lose anyone on this tribe but especially Zac!

In more positive news Daulton and I are the first Showmance of the season! I've always thought Daulton was cute so what's the harm in a lil flirting ☺️

Meep merp beep. Ive been soo not into the game that i need to focus again. I want to do well in this game but ill end up just letting myself down as always. 

Soo im haply our trailer won immunity. Im safe. 😊

Oh, poor Liam. :( He really doesn’t want Zac to be the vote tonight, but I think it’s pretty set in stone at this point unless and Idol is played. I don’t want to sound cocky though because I realize anything can happen, but I feel like Livingston, Austin, and I in addition to Dan are all on board to vote Zac. Liam feels like it’ll be a 3-3 vote which I’m not sure how that will play out unless Austin flips. I really don’t want to go to rocks this early in the game, but I told Dan I wouldn’t write his name, so if Livingston wants to flip, that’s on him, but I just don’t think I can do it. I just hope it is 4-2.

So we won immunity for once with the videos! Really don’t appreciate the hating on my editing skills/lack of appearance in the video @judges. It was editing or being filmed and I choose editing haha. Anyway, I’m feeling pretty comfortable with this group. Really hoping we don’t lose again. Splitting into 3 tribes really helps give us a chance. I like everyone on my tribe but they’re also super super quiet and we only talk during challenges which is a bit awkward...

[thepalegoldmoon]

Answers

so i was asked to answer all of these so here i gooooooo!!!!~… kms… ;u;

— 1. Who was the last person you held hands with?

uhhhhmmm i dont really hold hands cause i over heat and the get clammy easily, so the last person i “held hands”/ linked arms with was actually at Anime Boston with this rad dude Jay, we were cosplaying Keith and Lance from Voltron. it was a good day, but we were tired as fuck.

2. Are you outgoing or shy?

kinda both depends on the situation and who im around tbh

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?

in general or like famous??? uhhhmmm, if we’re going in general tbh me rad ass mate Jay cause why wouldnt I be looking forward to seeing this kid??? hes literally the best thing or person to see ever, duh! and if were going famous??? uhhhmmm music wise either Panic! At The Disco, TOP, orrrrr maybe a tie between some one from the Hamilton, or Heahters musicals.

4. Are you easy to get along with?

again depends on the situation and people. over all id say yeah in some way.

5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?

uhmmm idk because we’d both probably be shit faced and tumbling over each other screaming, incoherently and laughing our asses off. While simultaneously getting into 20 different fights over cheese, bread, and cats. Then crying about video games and anime. probably in the midst of this we’d be laughing and patting each other’s back telling each other how good of a bro the other is an how we’re gonna take over the world by the sheer brute force of dogs and cats

6. What kind of people are you attracted to?

uhhhhmmm i dont really have a type but there’s a guy i like alot whos my dream guy tbh, and to me hes perfect in alot and pretty much every single way. ºuº

7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?

probably not but its nice to hope and dream c:

8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?

either rn my friend Casey cause shes in spain this week for vacation or my childhood bestfriend Liz cause her birthday just pasted on april 7th and i havent seen her in years.

9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?

depends on who im with and what exactly kinda stuff were talking about. but im always awkard af with everything so im always uncomftorble.

10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?

mi boi Jay!!~ we tend to get into deep conversation alot. i enjoy it alot tbh hahaha.

11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?

(when i got to this quesion)

 WE WILL BE TRASH GODS!!!~

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?

UHMMM pass cause honestly the whole entirety of Heathers and Hamilton pretty much.

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?

OMFG HELL YEAH I DO!!!!!!!~

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?

yeah man thats always been something i believe in because i have the most terrible luck but i like to believe miracles have happened in my life.

15. What good thing happened this summer?

i started the change in my social life and i got a really rad friend through the beginning phase of it!

16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

uhmmm ive only done pecks cause im  fucking looser so that was Jay, so hell yeah i would man hahaha! (hes got a kissable face its nice alright, i swear im not this fucking awkward XD) ((and bro i know youll end up reading this. i love ya man!! i hope this isnt too bad lol~))

17. Do you think there is life on other planets?

fuck yeah i do bro. i wanna befriend at least one of them tbh.

18. Do you still talk to your first crush?

not really cause the kid left after 5th grade and i never saw him again,

19. Do you like bubble baths?

fuck yes.

20. Do you like your neighbors?

i dont really talk to them haha.

21. What are you bad habits?

i have alot, talking to much and fighting HARD during a fight, and having the worst timing for smart ass comments, and trying to change things i cant change too much. theres more but thats a good few.

22. Where would you like to travel?

everywhere and anywhere tbh

23. Do you have trust issues?

a bit ive more developed them because of shitty people

24. Favorite part of your daily routine?

either shower or the part where i come home and either draw, eat, play video games, get to text my boi, or where i get to sleep.

25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?

my nose, the corners of my mouth or my big toes.

26. What do you do when you wake up?

text my friend good morning or get up and play with my mouse for a few minutes

27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?

i enjoy my skin tone but i wish i could tan ith out burning although, ive always wanted to either be albino or see what its like to be darker.

28. Who are you most comfortable around?

either Jay, or my friend Casey

29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?

nope because i dont talk to them XD

30. Do you ever want to get married?

at some point maybe haha

31. Is your hair long enough for a pony tail?

almost but the sides and some of my bangs are just a teeny bit off from making it :u:

32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?

uhmm not really any tbh theyre all to much older than me

33. Spell your name with your chin.

alyxx/ nyxx

34. Do you play sports? What sports?

ew no but i like swimming and to go on walks for fun

35. Would you rather live without TV or music?

thats hard cause i need both for background noise

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?

not really, i dont think so

37. What do you say during awkward silences?

something really stupid and half the time really provocative

38. Describe your dream girl/guy?

ahhhh hahaha well i dont really know because the guy im crushing on is my dream guy js. and if i were to try and describe him id butcher the amazing and astounding beauty of the real person to be honest

39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?

ahhhh idk, lush?? and anything with food tbh

40. What do you want to do after high school?

die, or move to salem WITCHever comes first -u0 lol (bad pun i know i know)

41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?

i belive in ALOT of chances tbh

42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean?

either im tired, extremely sad/depressed, overthinking/ thinking, focusing, thinking how to reply something or im REALLY fucking pissed off at you for something.

43. Do you smile at strangers?

REALLY FUCKING AWKWARDLY AND IN REALLY FUCKING AWKWARD SITUATIONS

44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?

UHHHHHH BOTH!!!!!~ TF?

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?

THE INPENDING FEAR AND DOOM OF CRIPPLING ANXIETY IF I MISS THE BUS OR if im hanging out wiht someone that day the motivation of not being alone in my room with myself for the whole day or so hahaha, or a con/ meet up which applies to friends.

46. What are you paranoid about?

AAAHAHAHAHAHA IS THAT EVEN A QUESTION???? fucking everything…

47. Have you ever been high?

yes

48. Have you ever been drunk?

buzzed not drunk

49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?

uhhh i dont think so im not really very secretive. maybe like PERSONAL shit but no

50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?

Grey

51. Ever wished you were someone else?

a few times

52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?

uhmmm either eye color and nose Physically.and personality wise i wish i wasnt so stubborn tbh.

53. Favourite makeup brand?

lush is the closest thing to makeup i use hunny

54. Favourite store?

lush

55. Favourite blog?

@thedevilandhisfiddleofgold​ c;

56. Favourite colour?

Blue

57. Favourite food?

uhmmm theres too many to list, all?? except spicy

58. Last thing you ate?

a cracker with nutella on it

59. First thing you ate this morning?

a cinnamon powdered sugar doughnut

60. Ever won a competition? For what?

nope

61. Been suspended/expelled? For what?

Suspending, accused of stealing shitty locker wallpaper panels. THAT I ACCTUALLY FUCKING HADNT ;U;

62. Been arrested? For what?

nope

63. Ever been in love?

YES ;-;

64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?

never fucking had one kiddies sorry no story time for this one

65. Are you hungry right now?

kinda i want chips

66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?

uhm my only tumblr friends are friends in real life so not really because how do you like someone more on tumblr than you like them in real life??? not like its impossible its just odd.

67. Facebook or Twitter?

neither tbh, i only use my facebook for my work schedule

68. Twitter or Tumblr?

TUMBLR

69. Are you watching tv right now?

yes i started 13 reasons why

70. Names of your bestfriends?

jay, casey, liz (ranked most to least interaction and tbh who ive talked to most recently, those other two loosers never text me)

71. Craving something? What?

chips, cookies, FOOD, and love, BUT MOSTLY FOOD RN

72. What colour are your towels?

we have mostly white and black towels but theyre all just multicolored

72. How many pillows do you sleep with?

(im also counting my stuffed animals as pillows)

at least 11 tbh

73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?

(refer to last question)

74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?

9

75. Favourite animal?

wolf, fox, raven, snowleopard, cat, snake (i cant choose)

76. What colour is your underwear?

black like my soul bitch

77. Chocolate or Vanilla?

vanilla

78. Favourite ice cream flavour?

birthday cake or cotton candy/ bubblegum

79. What colour shirt are you wearing?

black

80. What colour pants?

dark grey

81. Favourite tv show?

uhmmmm Voltron or steven universe

82. Favourite movie?

heathers and the crow

83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2?

Mean Girls

84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street?

havent seen the second one (refer to previous question)

85. Favourite character from Mean Girls?

the lebanese chick and the gay guy that were friends with lindsay lohan’s character

86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo?

thats a hard question cause i love them all ;-;

87. First person you talked to today?

Jay (and caiden???) i sent a message to a group chat right after i woke up, i was pointed at Jay but theyre both in that chat

88. Last person you talked to today?

same chat

89. Name a person you hate?

ahha ahhahaha hahahaha, mmmmm theres alot 

90. Name a person you love?

Jay, Casey, my pets

91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?

better question… is there not????

92. In a fight with someone?

i dont think so but im aboutabe casue they wont give me times on if theyre coming tomorrow or not ;-;

93. How many sweatpants do you have?

2 and a pair of sweat pants i made into shorts

94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?

hehehe at least 6 or 7. tbh my attack on titan one has been issing for a while and it makes me sad

95. Last movie you watched?

heathers, im not saying the technical last one cause it was gross as fuck and doe not count as a movie to me

96. Favourite actress?

ehhh hellena bonham carter

97. Favourite actor?

johnny depp

98. Do you tan a lot?

not really cause i burn and im afraid of getting skin cancer

99. Have any pets?

2 guinea PIGS and a mouse

100. How are you feeling?

alright kinda missing my friends and also kind anxious

101. Do you type fast?

depends on my mood, what im typing on,  and about

102. Do you regret anything from your past?

so.. many… things…

103. Can you spell well?

fairly decently i think, average nothing over the top but i try haha

104. Do you miss anyone from your past?

ehhh Liz and my friend Julia from Germany she was cool.

105. Ever been to a bonfire party?

nope

106. Ever broken someone’s heart?

there was a girl named shannon who was all over me and head over heels for me, she mightve been a taurus. she tried to use some serious mental shit to try and get me to stay. i told her to seek professional help and not me.

107. Have you ever been on a horse?

nope

108. What should you be doing?

a 10 page paper and finishing final fantasy, and getting more loot boxes in overwatch

109. Is something irritating you right now?

not really knowing what to do with my senior paper, shop friends, being alone, and not having enough hours in the day and always being fucking tired.

110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?

yes, i do right now, tbh, but its cool

111. Do you have trust issues?

this was already asked. slightly it depends on the person

112. Who was the last person you cried in front of?

no one, mentally and close to physiccally jay and caiden, but im always mentally crying. i dont physically cry if i do youre special, im not that soft.

113. What was your childhood nickname?

Ash

114. Have you ever been out of your province/state?

i was born in pittsburgh, pa. i lived in townsend, ma and i just recently moved to pepperrel, ma.

115. Do you play the Wii?

not any more

116. Are you listening to music right now?

not really

117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?

yes

118. Do you like Chinese food?

YAS

119. Favourite book?

how to make the perfect boy?? (its something like that) i also really enjoyed mrs. perigrines home for peculiar children.

120. Are you afraid of the dark?

im afraid of what might be in it

121. Are you mean?

i can be

122. Is cheating ever okay?

ew not wtf

123. Can you keep white shoes clean?

probably not

124. Do you believe in love at first sight?

kinda but only to an extent

125. Do you believe in true love?

again kinda but only to an extent tbh

126. Are you currently bored?

a bit

127. What makes you happy?

chilling with jay, playing wiht my animal or sleeping 

128. Would you change your name?

i want to, im trying to get Alyxx as my name hahah but i have a genius way to keep ASH

129. What your zodiac sign?

GEMINI BIATCH!!!!~

130. Do you like subway?

yeah its alright

131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?

uhhhh hahah i already dated my childhood bestfriend. Liz was chill but id kindly turn her down

132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?

already answered this up top, but Jay

133. Favourite lyrics right now?

hmmmm i have too many tbh, id love to put one here but i cant think of a good one atm sorry my dudes

134. Can you count to one million?

maybe but im to lazy to fam

135. Dumbest lie you ever told?

hahaha ive told too many to put those down

136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?

CLOSED OMFG NO #TRIGGERED

137. How tall are you?

5′5.25″ ( THAT QUARTER IS IMPORTANT ;u;, believe it or not i had=ve alot of friends that are taller than me)

138. Curly or Straight hair?

wavy-ish

139. Brunette or Blonde?

i myself am a “brunette”

140. Summer or Winter?

kinda both

141. Night or Day?

ehh more night but i enjoy both

142. Favourite month?

either, October, November, December, and i actually am not a fan of my birth month may haha

143. Are you a vegetarian?

nope but ive thought about becoming one to cleanse and to get in better shape kinda reasons

144. Dark, milk or white chocolate?

milk and white

145. Tea or Coffee?

both

146. Was today a good day?

ehhh kinda

147. Mars or Snickers?

snickers but i wanna try a mars bar

148. What’s your favourite quote?

hahah either

“ another fucking heather! -sighs- Our love is god let’s go get a slushie!”

-JD “Heathers”

( i relate most to the heather part tbh)

  “ill hook ‘em…” “..and ill cook ‘em!”

-Roadhog and Junkrat “Overwatch”

( YEAH I KNOW IM TRASH BUT ITS A PRECIOUS QUOTE BETWEEN TO REALLY GOOD BEST MATES OKAY!!!??)

149. Do you believe in ghosts?

WHOLE HEARTEDLY, IVE SEEN THEM, IVE FELT THEM, IVE HEARD THEM, TALKED TO THEM, I RESPECT THE SHIT OUT OF THEM AND THEY ARE KINDA SLIGHTLY TERRIFYING BUT I LOVE THEM!

150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page?

“WOW MAGNUS, you’re probably thinking. That was… stupid!” 

Magnus Chase and the Gods of Asgard 

[dimsumdamsel]

92 truths that you dont really need to know about me but im gonna tell you anyway ! !

rules: once you have been tagged you are supposed to write 92 truths about yourself. at the end, choose 25 people to tag!

tagged by: @slavshiro ohoo THANK YOU ILY

LAST… [1] drink: water [2] phone call: my mom just called me to tell me to turn the stove on [3] text message: the love of my life, sonia!!! [4] song you listened to:  말이야 (I Mean That) by CLC!!! quality song  [5] time you cried:  dec 8 when i thought i only got 10/60 on my calc final cause i had an anxiety attack in the middle of it and called my cousin on her birthday and cried to her about being worthless and how my parents deserve a better daughter, one more like my successful brother :^) i havent cried since then because im even more dead than ive ever been :^)

HAVE YOU EVER… [6] dated someone twice: nope, i dont want to relive any of my past relationships; i mean it ended for a reason so? but maybe for a future relationship if it comes to it?? theres still an extremely low chance of it happening though lol  [7] been cheated on: not that i know of but probably not [8] kissed someone and regretted it: ksjngkejrnkgne yeah, elementary school with isaiah mike lmao what a mistake  [9] lost someone special: mmmm not recently  [10] been depressed: i’m honestly not sure– like its not bad enough to where i would need medicine but i do feel down, empty, and find it hard to be happy a lot?? its mostly cause of school but baHhhhahaH yikes dog pictures never fail to cheer me up though [11] gotten drunk and thrown up: im a good girl, i dont plan on drinking until im legally allowed to lmao even than, i probably would still be reluctant 

LIST 3 FAVOURITE COLOURS: [12] orange (orange clothes are ugly though) [13] cream / white !  [14] dark blues ! 

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU… [15] made new friends: sweats honestly no, i havent made any new friends for a couple years now? i mean i met people form key club but i dont talk to them often  [16] fallen out of love: i guess  [17] laughed until you cried: i think so  [18] found out someone was talking about you: yO SO MY FRIEND TOLD ME TODAY THAT SOMEONE I DATED KEEPS TELLING MY OTHER FRIEND THAT HE MISSED ME AND honestly get over me please, like its been like what nine months now and youre not going to get anywhere with mulling in the past? dont bother other people about this because they dont want to hear it.  [19] met someone who changed you: NOT IN THE PAST YEAR KFKNDFKE [20] found out who your true friends are: i never have fake friends? like even if they wanted to gain something from me there would be nothing to get lmao [21] kissed someone on your facebook list: nAH

GENERAL… [22] how many of your facebook friends do you know in real life: probably a little more than three fourths [23] do you have any pets: i have a six inch fish, my dad has a six inch fish, and my mom has two smaller three inch fish (the ones my dad and i own are at least five years old now and the ones my mom has are less than a year old) [24] do you want to change your name: nope, my parents chose it for me and i want to honor that, plus i dont think any other names would suit me  [25] what did you do for your last birthday: i went out to eat kbbq with sonia and then stayed home for the rest of the day !!!!! thank you sonia ohoo i would’ve just spent it doing nothing wihtout you kjngkjer [26] what time did you wake up: 6:30 am [27] what were you doing at midnight last night: dinking around on my phone probably [28] name something you cannot wait for: short term: the week to end, long term: owning a dog  [29] when was the last time you saw your mother: 3 minutes ago  [30] what is one thing you wish you could change about your life: i wish i was more confidant about myself and my ability to do things  [31] what are you listening to right now: good luck by aoa [32] have you ever talked to a person named tom: i know a tommy??  [33] something that is getting on your nerves: :3 [34] most visited website: “tinklr dot hell” [35] elementary: i miss my elementary school friends : ( [36] high school: fuck the counselors  [37] college: high school + more crying honestly, i like it though, i feel more free (at least in the running start program lmao) im waiting to see if UW seattle and bothell want me next year though and i really want to die at the though of them not accepting me cause i’ll just be an even bigger disappointment to my family lol  [38] hair color: dark brown but a chestnut-ish color in the sun (i really want to dye my hair so its that chestnut color all the time though) [39] long or short hair: i like short hair but i currently have long hair thats three or four inches under my armpits, i plan on cutting it soon though [40] do you have a crush on someone: no serious ones, just the “wow he smiled at me “ and “gOd he held the door for me i am Snatched” kind of little crushes [41] what do you like about yourself?: i like that i was able to make good friends [42] piercings: ears [43] blood type: B+ i think– not completely sure if im + or - but i know its B for sure [44] nickname: none, just pet names from sonia and jiejie by gil ohoo [45] relationship status: single and not really looking for anything, i just want a dog [46] zodiac sign: sagittarius [47] pronouns: she/her [48] fav tv show: i surprisingly have a lot of favorite american shows like bones, psych, monk, criminal minds, leverage, saving hope, pushing daisies, ghost whisperer, basically all shows on ion tv minus law&order, then theres gravity falls and bobs burger, and then a bunch of animes and dramas [49] tattoos: none but ive always wanted one either on my wrist or inner arm ! [50] right or left handed: right handed

FIRST… [51] surgery: never  [52] piercing: ears [53] best friend: lisa! we’ve literally known each other since we were born and shes always going to be my favorite cousin and one of my best friends [54] sport: track  [55] vacation: dont remember very well?? i saw some vcr tapes of us going to disney in 2001 though [56] pair of trainers: ive never had any trainers, just running shoes?? i had small red sandals that squeaked whenever i walked when i was a kid though 

RIGHT NOW… [57] eating: nothing [58] drinking: water (ive been drinking so much water lately but i’m always thirsty so i lowkey think theres something wrong with me) [59] i’m about to: knock out  [60] listening to:  情歌王 by leo ku (its like a compilation of classic love songs thats 13 minutes long but i could sing the entire thing karaoke style easily)  [61] waiting for: death  [62] want: to not disappoint my parents, my friends, or myself anymore  [63] get married: eventually i guess  [64] career: student, scribe/visual interpreter/reader/proctor for my college’s DSS 

WHICH IS BETTER… [65] hugs or kisses: hugs !  [66] lips or eyes: eyes ! ! which is funny cause making eye contact with people makes me Uncomfortable  [67] shorter or taller: taller please, im tired of being the taller friend and i want to feel small for once  [68] older or younger: older, i’ve had enough with younger guys lmao  [69] romantic or spontaneous: romantic but spontaneous is good too  [70] nice arms or nice stomach: arms i guess  [71] sensitive or loud: sensitive?? [72] hook up or relationship: relationship wtf i dont even get how hook ups work alright  [73] troublemaker or hesitant: hesitant lmao 

HAVE YOU EVER… [74] kissed a stranger? no what the heck [75] drank hard liquor? nope  [76] lost glasses/contact lenses? lost contacts (which sucks cause i wear hard contacts since they cant make soft ones with my prescription and only replace them once a year, thankfully i can use the ones from previous years) but never glasses  [77] turned someone down: no  [78] sex on first date? yikes no  [79] broken someone’s heart? ya but it was for the best [80] had your own heart broken? ya but i was never that sad about it [81] been arrested? no oml i sweat every time i see cop cars [82] cried when someone died? no one close to me has died so far, but i def cried at the ladies’ code car accident  [83] fallen for a friend: nope 

DO YOU BELIEVE IN… [84] yourself? i want to  [85] miracles? yes but i have yet to witness any [86] love at first sight? mmmm to a certain extent– i think its mostly based on looks but when you get to know them that when the real love happens [87] santa claus? used to exist probably  [88] kiss on the first date? depends  [89] angels? yeah, why not 

OTHER… [90] current best friend’s name: sonia del casal : ) [91] eye colour: dark brown [92] favourite movie: listen ive watched your name (kimi no na wa) a grand total of sixteen (16) times and i could still watch it another ten times (i love to suffer)

tagging @sweet-hunny, @hideous-kojimmies , @panda-p-king, @puervy , @otonai , @izumiiz , @hxanns , anyone cause yikes i dont know very many people

[drunkenough2write]

Sober at 8:58 am

Ive started to numb everything out, push everyone else thats left away. I havent talked to Kaylee in about two months, or the guys in a few days, ive been avoiding anish and Molly and you and i obviously havent talk in a while. I had a moment yesterday i was doing ...something... and i started thinking about you, i let that numb thing go for a minute and i just kept saying “i love you Michael” over and over and i dont know what im doing. i dont know if i want you because im bored with him or because youre the one im supposed to spend the rest of my life with. i dont know if you and i are good for eachother or if we just romanicize the fuck out of eachother to the point weve tricked our minds into believing that we belong together, i dont know if those late nights spent in your arms, or those car rides with our fingers intertwined and the windows down meant nothing or meant everything. ive spent endless hours closing my eyes just so that i can picture your face, i have a hundred pictures of you i cant convince myself to delete. Everything makes me think of you, music and movies and people on social media, i think about what youd do when im scream singing in my car, windows down and crazy hair and music i havent listened too since middleschool, i think about you standing behind me in the shower and laying next to me in bed, i think about you shooting me looks across the isles of grocery stores and gas stations, i think about you picking at your nails and the warts on your fingers while i drive and roll my eyes at you, i think about you when i get high, how you get so paranoid, how you get a look in your eye like youre all alone and the worlds a stimulation trying to break you down and invade your inner thoughts and you look at me and i wonder if you trust me and i just want to wrap you in my arms and kiss your face and let you know that i got you no matter what. I dream about you, your long hair and jaw line, lanky body and strong arms, i dream about you walking in and the rest of the world falling away, you being all that i see and all that i know and nothing else in the world mattering even the smallest bit. Im scared Bugs, im scared of losing you, im scared of losing me, im scared that he will come back and i will pick him and one day ill wake up from yet another Michael dream and think “what the fuck am i doing?” but be so deep into it that theres nothing i can do, and im scared ill pick him and one day he will stop picking me and im scared that i cant love anyone. I spent years being the girl a guy could love, i perfected it, manipulated every boy i met into becoming obsessed with me, tricking their minds to the point i was all they thought about and i never got caught, i played boy after boy perfecting my actions and it worked. Ramon was so invested i didnt even notice, all his friends knew about me, he told them he was falling in love with me and all i thought about at the time was how he had a weird sex face and it didnt feel serious, then there was London, the boy who flirted with me in highschool and told me i was going to marry him and then years later told me i was ugly in highschool, so i convinced him nobody could understand him like i did, i let him be a douche bag, and make every possible stupid mistake he could and told him that he was amazing regardless, i supported all of  his dreams even though i thought they were dumb and far far out of reach all while entertaining others. At the same time i was sleeping with two frat guys in different frats that hated eachother and i made them both believe they were the hottest guys id ever seen and the best lays any girl could have all the while one looked like hed never stepped outside and was not packin and the other had a nice body but a jew nose and lasted like 4 minutes everytime, and they both faded out eventually. Then i reconnected with Reese and unfortunately he had been in the game longer and saw past the face i put on, he reached into my heart and plucked at the parts he knew would give him a safe place and i fell for it. i became his escape from home and work, he would come over at 3 am after work and slip into my bed and play his music and we’d fall asleep and id wake in the morning and leave for class and come back to him leaving, There was one night i was convinced he had real feelings for me. he was hanging with preston and their friend ethan who had moved out of state and came to visit, Preston went to ASU and lived in dorms near mine. They went to a strip club and then got super drunk and went back to prestons room, Reese called me and let me know he was still coming over at about midnight and Preston stole his phone saying he wouldnt make it and i just laughed at them and said id be up for a while if he changed his mind, even though i was so tired i couldve slept for an unholy amount of hours. i got a few snapchats from his snap that preston took of reese’s head in the toilet and figured he wouldnt be coming over, but i stayed up for a little while and then i got a call at 5 am he slurred his words trying to tell me he was coming and that he was lost but escaped Prestons room, Preston and ethan eventually found him and got on the phone trying to figure out where i lived, i told them and came out to meet them, Sophmore year of highschool i had a class with both Reese and Preston but i dont think either of them knew i had existed at the time. when i walked out they all looked at me and Reese looked so sad, red eyes and tears on his cheeks, he almost tripped over his own feet into my arms, i hugged him and looked back at his friends, they told me to take care of him, i smiled and took him back to my room. i put his stuff in the closet and helped him change and he followed me into bed, his arms around me (something he never did) and he cried, told me i was all he cared about, said all these things and passed out and for the first time since meeting him i felt like he wanted me for me, but i was wrong, i was a safe spot, a hidden island where he could get away from the rest of the world and eventually he met someone else. then on new years i got a snapchat from kaylees younger sister asking if it would be okay if she gave my snap to her cousin ransom whom i had only met a few times, i said sure and his first snap said he was gonna make me his. i laughed, i liked when guys were forward, unfortunately that was one of the only things i liked about him, over the next month i played with him, careful not to break him entirely, he tried to get me to take his virginity and him being the mormon cousin to my childhood mormon best friend i knew i couldnt and then one day i got a snap from some guy i met on tinder, his name was Alex Decker, he hyped me up on snap all the time and i was on shrooms so i responded, asked why he was always nice to me he said “why not?” we talked a little and eventually i invited him over we hung with my friends, i got free tickets to a suns game and we all went and we took our first selfie and i didnt pull my tricks, because he wasnt like every other guy that walked my way and stuck their tongue down my throat after talking to me for 15 minutes we hung out probably 7 times before he kissed me, i had convinced myself he was gay or just not interested and let down my gaurd, we were watching Game of Thrones, the Episode where you learn about Horridor and the reason behind his name, and i started crying and he made a joke and i punched his arm out of sadness and he kissed me, it moved pretty fast after that, he asked me to be his girlfriend on Valentines day, 12:04 am - we decided to say it was the 13th instead, didnt want to be cheesy, he brought me roses the next day and we dated for a while, i pushed and pulled every day, pushed him away only to ask him to come back hours later, i was a bad girlfriend, a bad friend, and when i ended things i was more scared of losing his family then him. I went to California for spring break and he spent the night before i left and he found my stash on notebooks and read everything, went through my poetry books and found which ones i dedicated to other boys and other loves and he went crazy, he read every secret and every lie and he told me living in my head was the worst place to live and he sent me pictures of everything that made him mad and he spent 9 hours in my room going through everything and i was so angry i redownloaded tinder, figuring id end things when i got home and then came Remmington. When i got back to Arizona we threw a party at my house and a bunch of people came over, he had written me a letter and got so drunk he let Colden read it to the room, it was horrible, i got obnoxiously drunk and ended up blacking out and then passing out on the bathroom floor and Alex took care of me all night. i was going to therapy at the time and one day on the day before my therapy day i had a huge art project due and had to pull an all nighter after pulling one the night before and he told me he would stay over and help me and we would take shifts and he’d shade stuff while i slept and id do whatever else i needed to do and i said that that was fine, when it was my turn to sleep i fell fast asleep and woke up to him sitting next to me on the bed crying, confused i got up and hugged him and he started rambling about how he couldnt do it and just losing his shit, he wasnt making any sense so i got him water and made him lay down and once he fell asleep i got up and did the rest of my project until 10 am the next day i went to class and then alex gave me a ride to therapy and picked me up after, he took me to my favorite restaurant in arizona and then we went to the batting cages and a few days later i ended things and he still stuck around for a while, even while i was talking to remmington, then i found out about the STD stuff and remington made me feel like trash and got a bunch of his friends to bag on me too. after that i dropped everyone, i didnt care, i took londons virginity and i didnt care about anything else and Molly and i started hanging out more and more and then one day i drove past the gilbert temple and parked in front of a house across the street from the mormon church and a lanky boy in a white sweatshirt and a dad hat hopped in the car with molly and i and i was a total bitch to him until we stopped to eat and he said his dad worked on heavy equipment and molly got distracted and i thought this boy was 20 and he was 17 and my heart swooned. that was the day i met you. You surprised the hell out of me. everytime i talked to you all the games and tricks and all the bullshit id been using stopped existing and i had butterflies and lost words and a smile i couldnt get rid of. and boy was it a whirlwind. and the world started and ended and spiraled and now we are here. wheres here? i have no fucking idea. all i know is that i want someone to see me, see my crazy and my annoying and my insecurities and see everything good and bad and love me, and for the past year ive met 3 boys that do and in my luck ive found so much heartache and so much dissapointment. because M i dont deserve any of you and if i could cut myself in half and give all my love to each of you i would, but i cant. and what do i do when you wake up and realize i was only worth the chase? what happens when its finally us and im not everything you figured i would be? and life isnt everything you thought it would be with me? what then?

[zoeygreensimblr]

The Outside (Episode 25)

Today I started work experience at the Brindleton Bay vet clinic. Doctor Charlotte taught me how to work the check in program from when patients come in.

"We mostly get a lot flea sprays and neutering here but occasionally we do have serious surgical patients brought in and I do have to warn you some of them don't make it and it may be hard for you to witness that, if at any time you feel you can't handle a situation please speak up Zoey, I am a very understanding person and I will not judge you or mark you down if you feel that you need to step out for any reason" Dr Charlotte explains to me.

Dr Charlotte is in her mid 30's, perky all the time and absolutely lovely to be around

On my first day we had 3 dogs with fleas, another with swamp mouth and a cat with woozy kittyities, all of which were out within an hour. It was slow day and Dr Charlotte let me go home after lunch because she had no more patients for the day.

On Tuesday we had more flea ridden dogs, 4 neuterings, an advanced Lavanose, a sizzlepaw and critical hotfoot, it was a much more intense day, Dr Charlotte was joined by another vet name Dr Mikia, not as perky as Dr Charlotte but still very nice. The two women have funny banter through out the day like they're old friends and they make my day fun.

And then Wednesday came and my whole world came crashing down. It started out like the days before it, with Dr Charlotte explaining to me what patients she had coming in that day.

"I have a dog coming in this afternoon Zoey that has to be put down, If you feel that you need to leave early you can" She tells me

"I can stay" I promise her

"OK hun but if you change your mind at any time just let either myself or Dr Mikia know, we won't be angry" She says

Wednesday morning is slow, 4 neuterings , 2 sprays and a cat with fleas, we stopped for lunch at noon and I walked home, when I returned to the clinic there was a red haired woman, early 20's, in the waiting area.

"I'm sorry, I'll check you in" I apologise to her.

"I've already checked in thank you, they took my dog into the room, I'm just in no hurry to go in there,  the sooner I go into that room the sooner I have to say goodbye to my dog and I'm trying to pretend that's not happening" She explains

"I'm so sorry, Dr Charlotte told me you were coming in this afternoon. Can I get you anything? Would you like some water?" I ask her, her eyes are filled with such sadness and I'd give anything to take this pain away from her

"Thank you, that would be nice." She says, smiling at me sweetly, "Aunt you a little young to be a vet though?" she questions me

"I'm here on work experience, I plan to study Veterinary at Uni next year" I explain, "I'm Zoey by the way" I say, handing her a cup of water from the cooler.

"Nice to meet you Zoey, I'm Steph" She introduces herself, "My dog, Nortica has bone cancer and is in so much pain, I've been trying to avoid this but it's cruel if I let it go on any longer" She explains and my brain makes the connection of who she is, shit, this is the woman he left me for, she sweet and loves her dog...and that's when I see him, he exits the small examination room to come out into the waiting area, he walks right past me and up to her and throws his arms around her. It's like witnessing a car crashes, I want to look away but my eyes won't let me.

"Dr Charlotte says she's not going to start until you're ready" He tells her and I can see the tears rolling down her cheeks

"Just a little bit longer please" She pleads with him and he nods, he turns to walk back into the room and stops when he sees me.

"Fuck, I forgot that you were going to be here" He says to me, complete shock crossing his face like he'd been caught in the act.

"How do you know the work experience girl Angus?" Steph asks him and before he can answer I interject

"He was my personal trainer for a bit" It's not a lie, its just not the full story, he stands there staring at me, his eyes angry like I betrayed him by not admitting he was once mine.

"For a moment there I thought you were going to tell me he was your boyfriend" Steph says with a sigh of relief and I feel like a knife has stabbed me in the heart, he never told her my name or anything about me yet I knew so much about her, I was his secret that he kept from her, "Remember when we did work experience Angus" Steph asks him, ignoring the awkward tension between us.

"I didn't do work work experience Steph, I got kicked out before the exams" He reminds her and she laughs.

"Oh yeah, now I remember, you smoke a joint and got high on the football field during lunch and Mr Landgaarb kicked you out. Ruined my whole year because you couldn't even go to the formal" She recalls and he looks at me with shame in his eyes, this was the deep, dark secret he didn't want me to ever know?

"Steph, we should go in, we are keeping everyone waiting" He says as he heads back toward the examination room, Steph walks up to me and gives me a hug.

"It was nice meeting you Zoey, good luck at uni" She says before joining him.

Angus and Steph exit the examination room 45 minutes later, he has his arm around her shoulder and she's clearly very distraught, they reach the waiting area and she falls to the floor, tears streaming down her face and she's struggling to catch her breath, I walk out from behind the desk and sit with her on the floor, wrapping my arms around her.

"I'm so sorry about Nortica" I whisper to her and she looks at me and gives a little smile

"Thank you Zoey" she says. We sit like this for about 5 minutes, she has her head on my shoulder and I start stroking her hair to comfort her, I feel so much empathy for her loss and it makes me tear up too. Angus crouches down in front of us, I look him in the eye and I can see that he too has been crying, I want to comfort him, I want to wrap my arms around him but I know that's not my place anymore, it's hers and I don't want to overstep.

"Do you want me to take you home now Steph?" He asks her and she nods her head, he stands up and hold out two hands, one for each of us, it's the first time I've touched him in 3 months and it's like I feel a bolt of electric go through me when I place my hand in his, I can't look at him, it's all too much.

"Thank You Zoey" He whispers to me before he takes her hand and they walk out the door together. Dr Charlotte comes up behind me and wraps her arms around my shoulders

"You're going to make a great vet Zoey, you're very companionate and kind. I'm going to let you go home early today, it's been a hard day on you" She tells me.

I walked home, tears streaming down my face, I felt such sadness for Steph and Angus but I still felt angry and betrayed by him. When I walked into may house I could hear Tess down in the basement.

"You're home early" I greet her

"So are you. Angus wasn't there this afternoon, something to do with a dog emergency of something and Annabelle let me leave early" She explains, "Why are you home early? Have you been crying?" She asks me, giving me a hug.

"Angus was at the vets, with Steph, they had to put their dog down" I tell her

"Wow so did he make you cry? I'll punch him if he made you cry again, Ive only got 2 more days of work experience left then I can punch him for you" She says

"No, he didn't make me cry, although it was really awkward seeing him. I like Steph, she's really nice, for so long I've wanted to hate her for taking him from me but she's too nice to hate and she had him first" I explain

"I don't really know if they're together Zoey, I never see him kiss her or touch her" Tess tries to reassure me

"He held her hand in front of me today and he probably doesn't kiss her or touch her in front of you because he knows you will go off at him, he most likely hides it from you, he's good at hiding girlfriends, she knew about me when we were together but he never told her my name or any details about me and he hid the secret phone calls from me. He likes to hide things" I say with sadness in my voice.

"Have you heard from Charlie?" Tess asks, changing the subject

"No and I doubt I will either"

"He will text, I guarantee it" She says in her upbeat tone but after today I really don't care.

[rachylook]

2018 meme because these were fun a couple years agoOoO

( ) stayed single for the whole year ( ) kissed in the snow (x) celebrated Halloween (X) kissed in the rain (x) had your heart broken   (X) broke someone else's heart (x) had a stalker (HES MY FUCKING NEIGHBOR BUT HE GRAUDTAED I THINK) ( ) went over the minutes on your cell phone (ive got unlimited baybee) (x) had/have a good relationship with someone (x) had/have a relationship with someone you'll never forget (x) done something you've regretted (x) lost faith in love ( ) kissed under a mistletoe (x ) took an advanced class (x) broke the dress code ( ) sent to the principles office for misbehaviour ( ) got straight A's (x) met one teacher you really like (x) met one teacher you really hated ( ) failed a class (x) skipped school (class) (x) did something you were proud of (x ) discovered a new talent (x) proved yourself an idiot (x) embarrassed yourself in front of the class ( ) fell in love with a teacher (x) intentionally tripped someone at school (x) made a varsity team (x) were involved in something you'll never forget (x) painted a picture (x) wrote a poem (x) ran a mile (ive probably ran over 500 miles in 2018 thanks to track) (x) shopped at Hollister or Abercrombie and Fitch (x) posted a blog (x) listened to music you couldn't stand (x) went to a sleepover ( ) went camping (never again) (x) threw a surprise party   (x) laughed till you cried ( ) laughed till you peed in your pants ( ) visited a foreign country (x) cut in a line of waiting people (x) told someone you were busy when you weren't (alwaysss) ( ) partied to celebrate the new year ( ) cooked a disastrous meal (x) lost something/someone important to you (x) broke a promise (x) lied (x) went behind your parents back (x) cried over a broken heart (x) disappointed someone close (x) hid a secret (x) pretended to be happy (x) slept next to someone of the opposite sex (x) slept under the stars ( ) kept your new years resolution (x) forgot your new years resolution (x) facetimed someone for over 4 hours (12 hours....LMAOOO) (x) met someone who changed your life ( ) met one of your idols (x) changed your outlook on life (not necessarily in a good way tho) (x) sat home all day doing nothing (x) pretended to be sick ( ) left the country (x) given up something important to you (x) lost something expensive (x) learned something new about yourself (x) tried something you normally wouldn't try and liked it (x) made a change in your life (x) had a relationship past 10 months (x) found out who your true friends were (x) stayed up 'til sunrise (x) cried over the silliest thing ( ) had your first kiss  (already had it ( ) was never home on weekends ( ) got into a car accident (x) had friends who were drifting away from you ( ) had someone close to you die ( ) had a high cell phone bill (x) spent most of your money on food ( ) had a fist fight (x) driven a car (x) went to the beach with your best friend (ugh memories i wanna cry so bad) (x) saw a celebrity  (x) gotten sick (x) been told "I love you" (x) told someone you love them ( ) liked more than 5 people at the same time (x) fell asleep on someone (x) became closer with a lot of people ( ) Got a new piercing. ( ) Dyed my hair. (x) Ended a relationship. (x) Started a new relationship. (x) Been on a long car/bus journey. (does 3-4 hours count?) (x) Passed an exam (x ) Met someone who's now an important part of your life. (x) Cried on someone's shoulder. (so grateful i have ppl who i can cry on lmao) (x) Received flowers. (x) Had a Valentine (x) Gone to see a therapist (hell yes :(  (x) Been prescribed medication by a doctor. ( ) Read a really good book. (x) Went to the zoo. (x) Spent too much money on unnecessary things. (x) Traveled by train. (x) Spent the day out in the sun getting a tan. (x) cried in front of someone you adore (x) Slammed a door out of frustration. (x) Had an anxiety attack. (x) Babysat for a friend's child. (do siblings count/?/) (x) Had a BBQ (x) Went to the fair. (x) Went bowling. (x) Seen a film at the cinema in 3D (x) Went on a date.

[peteypan232]

As noted from my previous posts, I’m a planner. A very shitty planner, as it were, since not a single one of my plans has ever really worked. Except for one: I got Frank to fall madly in love with me. But that story is for another day. So, it’s safe to say I’m a slow learner – I planned and prepared by body, mind and soul during those 9 months for an all natural birth, following the Bradley method. And then the day came when I received my very own human… Francis. Here is his birth story.

May 23rd 2017

4am: I woke up with contractions. I had a cup of raspberry leaf tea, sat in the living room, read a couple pages of one of my many pregnancy books and noticed these particular contractions were a bit different from my normal pregnancy ones. I decided to time them and noticed they had a pattern! DUDEeeee this is it. I started pacing around the flat and cleaning up like a mad woman – just waiting around for  Frank to wake up.

6:30am: The minute I hear his alarm go off, I burst into the room and in the calmest voice I possess, said “Hey, what’s up? There’s a slight chance I’m going into labor.” Frank had his typical ‘Rosie, you cray” look on his face. Probably because 1. I was leaning over his face real creepy. 2. I don’t think anyone would ever imagine me saying “I might be in labor” in a calm voice.

8am: I told Frank to go into work for a big meeting he was hosting that day and I would message him if anything changed. I felt good, I was excited, and I didn’t want to jinx it in case it was a false alarm. It was, after all, a week and a half before my American due date (40 weeks) and 2 weeks before my french due date (41 weeks).

10am: I cleaned the entire apartment, drank 4 cups of red raspberry tea, peed about 20 times and just couldn’t find the patience to pace about any longer. I put on a Harry Potter movie in the background while I napped.

12:30pm: I woke up from my Harry Potter induced nap (my favorite kind of napping) and received about 50 messages from Frank and discovered my contractions were completely gone. (insert sad emoji) Frank came home and we decided to go for a walk around the park, and after only a few minutes in, the contractions were back.

3pm: We went back home, I was bouncing around on the birthing ball, listening to my bad ass birthing playlist, practicing breathing techniques, having nervous poops every 30 minutes and just loving it.

5:30pm: We watched Adventures in Babysitting while I worked on the birthing ball and by the time the movie was over my contractions weren’t any closer together.

7:30pm: We went for another walk and things started to really pick up. We quickly tried making it through the park as it was closing soon, but my contractions were getting more intense so there was LOTS of stopping and moaning. Yes, people were staring – and the women with children were smiling. Although things were picking up speed and intensity, I still felt good – like I was still in charge. I kept telling Frank “yo, i got this”. 

8:15pm: We went home, I lit all the candles in the apartment and put on my birthing playlist all while I was pacing, dancing, bouncing, stretching, breathing, singing.

10:30pm: We put on Star Trek and didn’t make it 10 minutes into it when shit got cray. Everything thus far was gradual – and in a matter of minutes, seconds, shit got real.

11pm: My thought – ‘Alright, lets go”, but our birth plan included staying at home as long as possible before going to the hospital. Frank, being my birth partner told me he didn’t think it was time to go yet….. ok, I agreed with him. It couldn’t have been more than 5 contractions later, and I’m screaming some weird shit. I believe my exact words were “We gotta go! I’m fucking crowning!”.

May 24th 2017

this is the moment when time and space and sanity just completely escape me.

12am(ish): We get to the hospital and it was hot as balls. Hot, muggy, sweaty, balls. A goddamn incubator. The midwife examines me and said, and I quote “You’re about 1 cm, and I’m being gracious”.

Frank and I reflected and laughed our asses off about this later. Here is the 40 something year old midwife, with broken/limited english – and somewhere along his training or life experience, someone taught him the english word gracious. The guy didn’t know the word for clothing! But gracious fell into his vocabulary.

Fuck. I was barely 1 cm. It was well past midnight at this point so the midwife staff was shorthanded and they had an emergency on their hands. He said we could leave and come back, but fuck that. I’m crowning! Can you check again bro?! We waited there for what seemed like an eternity. I looked Frank directly in the eyes and told him, I can’t do this. I’m going to die. This is the end. I’m not going to survive this. 

1:30am(ish): When the midwife came back in he was covered in blood and super sweaty. Christ. What the hell is going on out there?! I told him I was going to die and that I needed the epidural. He moved me to the pre travail (literal translation, before work) room with a lay down bed and less harsh lights that took away the sterile hospital vibe. He put an IV in my arm.

Ok lets do this – bring on the epidural.

I’m sorry to say Ma’am, you have to be 3 cm.

ERMMMMM I was 1 cm HOURS ago – I’ve got to be 3 at this point.

Believe me, you’re not.

Check again bro.

I wasn’t.

3am(ish): My birthing playlist was playing repeat on the Jambox and it was pretty fucking intense. The pain was so real and I was exhausted – for the final hours in that room, I was passing out in between contractions. I had hit the 24 hour mark and could feel the crushing fatigue on my body.

5:30am(ish): The midwife comes back into the room to check me – just at 3 cm. He calls the anesthesiologist, sets me up in the birthing room and gets ready for a shift change.

6am(ish): I’m being set up for the epidural. That sweet, sweet epidural. Once they set it up, I had a few more painful contractions and then just like that, I could catch my breath and breathe again. The best way I can describe the feeling of an epidural: when your foot falls asleep, but before the pins and needles. I could still feel, but the pain was softer, like it was earlier in the day when this whole thing began. The new midwives said some words, but I instantly passed out.

7am(ish): I woke up an hour later, they were checking my dilation. 9 cm. 3cm to 9cm? oh sweet beautiful epidural. The new midwife said to me, “Your baby was waiting for you to relax”. They broke my water, emptied by bladder and I drifted back to sleep.

8:30am(ish): 10cm, I was fully dilated – but the baby was in the ‘sunny side up’ position, so they turned my legs and waited. My super hot doctor came in to say Hi, examine me, pep talk and explain that he had to deliver a c section baby, think you can hold on. oh yea. Per our birth plan, Frank was to help the doctor pull the baby out, so he had Frank take a look at my vagina. Frank looked up at me with his eyes full of tears. “I started crying back. Oh jesus christ… WHAT?! Is it a fucking mess down there?!”, “No” he said, “I can see our child’s head”.

9:40am(ish): The midwives start prepping me and my super hot doctor comes back in.  We’re ready. I was fucking ready.

9:57am: 5 pushes later, my birthing playlist still in the background, I delivered my child. The most powerful surge of energy was vibrating through my entire body, through the entire room. Frank helped pull our child out and brought him to my chest. He was so warm and so small. It was the most amazing moment in my life – the greatest high I have ever felt. I felt the entire universe vibrating through every part of my body. Have you ever had a panic attack? The way your body doesn’t feel like your own and you completely lose all sense of control. But rather than being fueled by overwhelming fear, or stress – it’s love and warmth, and happiness. I thought I was going to explode, implode. I had no idea what was happening next – I only had eyes for my baby. Baby was silent, laying on my chest, with eyes slightly open, looking at me.

It was me, and Frank and … wait, what’s the gender?! We didn’t even check. The midwife said “c’est un garcon”, it’s a boy. It’s Francis.

Me. Frank. Francis.

Just the 3 of us.

The day I birthed my human. As noted from my previous posts, I'm a planner. A very shitty planner, as it were, since not a single one of my plans has ever really worked.

[my-sarahann-louise-stuff-blog]

My God

A junkies story of finding God and herself. By Sarahann L. Greenwell

It was at a very young age where I was asked to confirm my faith in Christ in front of a whole church and I felt like a liar. I believed there was a God but I had no idea what faith was. I am the kind of person that does not like to go to church, read the bible daily, or sit through a long sermon. Trust me I have tried, but it never worked that way for me. I never prayed unless it was to ask God to take away the dope-sickness, to unclog my bloody needle, or to help me find a vain. I was so spiritually sick that I hated God. I asked myself and others, “Why would an All and Mighty God put me through all this suffering and misery?” I was told it was because God allows me to live off self-will and God needs a soldier. I never understood God’s reasoning till a couple months ago when I started to have spiritual experiences in recovery.

I lived in a small town all my life. I grew up with both parents still married, 2 brothers and a sister. I was the oldest out of all of them. I had a good childhood growing up. It was all good till I came to middle school. I had passions for singing, dancing, and acting. I was in every chorus concert and drama production, I had dreams of being on Broadway and traveling the world. But I was bullied every single damn day; girls would pick on me for having red hair, freckles, the clothes I wore and the music I listened to. It made me change so much that I felt this darkness overcome me of hatred and anger. I found something that took the pain that I was introduced to, a knife. Yes I had a friend who cut herself and she showed me how exciting it was. See, I couldn’t tell my parents that I was being bullied but I could cut myself to take it away- that’s what my  mind and my friends told me. Than I was introduced to weed my freshman year from a family member, I felt wanted and alive when I stayed with them. I loved the fact I was getting away with stuff when I stayed at their house- I could cuss, eat junk food, smoke a cigarette, go out, and most importantly..smoke weed.

That’s how it all began, I loved to party. I was completely addicted to having a joint and a pint of Vodka every weekend. Sometimes I would cheat and bring a water bottle of Vodka to school just to get by. At sixteen, I got in a school fight that got me expelled and I ended up going to an Alternative School. As I look back I realize going to that school kept me alive for a few years, I got away from old people-places-and things. I was too scared to bring alcohol or drugs into the building or to come there intoxicated. I was able to sit in front of a computer and do my work; I felt like I wanted to be somebody again. I was rebuilding my life. I stopped drinking and smoking weed; and started getting straight A’s and working hard. When I got all caught up on my work I helped the other teachers by tutoring younger students, helping clean the building or working in the office. Damn I would have love to have kept that motivation. I graduated in 2011 and went to college, I had the world in my hands again. I was refocused and in charge. Nothing and absolutely nothing was going to get in the way this time. I was wrong. I was so wrong.

I found heroin.

Hard drugs were introduced to me by a boy that I madly fell in love with. Trust me, I loved him, he was my soulmate and I had an engagement ring on my finger less than a year of dating. We did absolutely everything together and I had dreams of a future with him.  I would have walked through hell for him and it took years for me to realize that I had. It was in May 2012 I was introduced to heroin and allowed him to put a needle in my arm. I was eighteen years old, a freshman in college that made the Deans List and had dreams. One of my dreams included being married to him and living happily ever after. I never thought drugs could take away everything from me, it even took him away from me. There is nothing worse than seeing a walking corpse that has no light in his eyes, smile from his lips, or laugh.. He did not die, but he died inside and dragged me with him. We experienced hell and became two corpse together. It was just an every weekend thing, that was the agreement. We will get paid on Friday and stock up. We partied every weekend, the Vodka and weed returned. I was not afraid to be out of control, especially in the trailer park he lived in. Cops seemed too afraid to be around there, especially at night, so the streets were ours to take. The hangovers and dopesickness came into play, I was living with my grandma at the time and would come home throwing up for hours. I started to get the shakes and couldn’t understand what was happening to me. That’s when I learned about withdrawals and I fucking hated it. I started selling all of mine and my family’s shit, I robbed people on site, begged people for money, waited for hours at a gas station just to get a $5 shot of dope. I had to constantly bail my fiancé out of jail, I sold everything I had at one time to get him out. I begged him to stop and to help me stop, it never worked. He was sick a long time ago and gave me the sickness as well. It was contagious, and those who do not catch the sickness deal with the misery of watching the ones they love become walking corpse. That’s what my family and friends watched me become, I was barely alive and was just waiting for my final last breath.

Summer of 2015 was hell, I had wrecked my grandma’s car in downtown Louisville because I was in a rush to get high. I stole from her and got caught by the law. I was forced by my family to go to treatment, I went to JADAC for 5 days to detox. I walked out thinking I was healed, wrong again. I got high 45 minutes later. I kept trying, I was constantly in and out of detox treatments and went to halfway houses. I broke up with my fiancé and started working with my mom. God I was trying so fucking hard to stay clean. I would get to 30 days and go back out. I thought I had enough but I never learned my lesson. It gets worse - never better. In the fall of 2015 I met somebody in the program, I fell madly in love with him and hated it. How can you love someone and you can’t love yourself? Bullshit. You can. You can love someone with all your heart and hate your guts just as much.  I had 45 days clean when I found out I was pregnant.

I thought being homeless, on the streets, starving, dope-sick, nameless, hopeless, faithless- was bad. No.. Being pregnant with an addiction problem is horrible. Doctors wanted to put me on Subutex when I was 3 months clean. So you want to take someone who has been clean and get them addicted to legal government drugs? The government system is idiotic. They made their money off me and millions of others. I tried to do the Subutex protocol and stopped, I detoxed off Subutex and decided that being fully abstinent was the only key, and that’s what I did. I stayed clean.

In October 2016, I gave birth to the most beautiful babygirl. Her daddy and I finally became parents and I was scared. Scared to fail her, him, and myself. I fought through my recovery of my c-section by taking Tylenol only, even after my incision wouldn’t heal properly. I got through it. She motivated me more than anyone could possibly know. I was ready to go back to college and be the mother that she deserved. I wanted to give her everything, I even started to work at a nursing home to try and get into college quicker 8 weeks after giving birth to her. I needed and wanted instant gratification. I was a dry drunk ready to take on the world.

I was crying and I didn’t know why, I started to absolutely hate life. I even thought about killing myself. I hated me. I hated you. I hated everyone. I wanted to go and hide, or to be buried in the ground. I loved my daughter but no longer felt a connection. I loved my future husband but no longer felt a connection. What the hell was wrong with me?

Post-Partum Depression.

If any mothers have experienced this, it is the most absolute worse inner feeling. I am not going to go into much detail about this but it was bad enough to make me go use one more time. I did not want to feel or cope. Counseling nor medicine was not helping, everything was a joke. Somebody offered me a free $20 line and I took it. I overdosed. Overdosing is like experiencing an extreme high and you fall asleep peacefully. Everything is dark and quite, you are just drifting away hoping you go to Heaven. The worst part is waking up, it feels like you have woken up from the best sleep on your life to a tube down your throat and iv’s connected to you. I was told I was given two Nasal Narcans and 8 IV Narcans, CPR was given to me for over 30 minutes and to most importantly- stay awake. Every time I kept drifting back to being unconscious they would give me more Narcan, the whole experience took up to 12 Narcans. I was dead. When I woke up in the hospital I broke down crying, I thought my life was over. I had token everything for granted. I had vomit all in my hair, gravel and mud on my pants, black bruises on my chest, and a family that I had to face. I knew I was going to lose custody of my daughter and I was going back to square one.

I went to treatment an hour away from home for 30 days that I wanted to go to, I wanted to refocus and get a fresh start. I learned more in those 30 days than I have ever learned in the past couple years of trying to recover. I had step one already down in my head and was asked to become willing to believe in a power greater than myself. I prayed on it and just asked God to give me a sign that he was around. My God has a funny way of talking to me because he started talking to me through other people and for the first time I finally listened. I started to understand him and developed my own conception of him. I pray to him like I am talking to a friend. I don’t get on my knees, bow my head, and close my eyes. Alcoholics Anonymous became my church. I graduated treatment and came to my first apartment with my fiancé, we created a home together. I have worked steps with my Sponsor and thank God every day that she hasn’t given up on me. My daughter has a sober mommy and she keeps me striving, I am proud to say she will be growing up in A.A. I will not force her to go to church but I will show her that she can develop her own conception of God. I take this program one day at a time. God has showed me more love than anyone on this Earth could ever give me. I do not need to go to church to show my faith, I am content with my faith today. I am happy, for once I can say I am truly happy. Thank God for Alcoholics Anonymous.