#hi hello how are ya are we emotionally prepared for this yet

[lizardinkart]

Will I ever post things that aren’t wips? Maybe- I’ll never tell (I’ll never finish things either). But here’s a WIP of a bigger piece for the return of one of the campaigns I’m in.

This is Vi, she belongs to @mewcoyote :) They took the fucking suns!

[attic-club-sandwich]

To Ascend Again

Summary: After falling from the Celestial Realm, the seven brothers must rely on each other emotionally to cope with the loss of their sister, Lilith. Meanwhile, they are also trying to adjust to their new forms and heal both the physical and emotional wounds caused by the Celestial War. Their bonds become stronger than ever since the fall, and they learn to rise again from the calamity that befell them.

Genre: Angst/Hurt

CW: Panic Attacks.

A/N: Sorry this chapter took so long to get out! The holidays sucked the life from me and I seriously didn't have any motivation. But i'm actually pretty proud of this one, and i'm so excited to see what you think! As usual reblogs are super appreciated. This chapter follows the Judgement and places the brothers within their new roles in the Devildom. Hopefully soon they will have a place to call home as well....

prev. chapter 4: The Judgement

Masterlist

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Chapter 5: The Road to Home

With the brothers’ greatest adversity of the Judgment now in the past, there was yet another issue they had ahead of them. That issue being what their role in the Devildom will be as well as a place to live where all 7 of the newly fallen Angels could live comfortably together.

Lucifer rested his gaze upon Barbatos as he finished serving the tea he had prepared. They had been waiting for Diavolo to wrap up the meeting with his father, but Barbatos had given them all insight into a vacant house that may be an ideal residence for his family. His brothers chattered excitedly between themselves. “Yo, I can’t wait to finally have my own room! No offense or anything, but it sucks sharing with all of ya.” Mammon said snidely. “Shut up Mammon, we don’t exactly like sharing a room with you either.” Levi replied, rolling his eyes. “I’m just saying this right now, but I NEED my own bathroom. I can’t take Levi hogging the shower for hours at a time anymore!” Asmo whined. Levi’s tail flicked in irritation and was about to retort when Lucifer huffed at them. He was clearly annoyed by his brothers’ selfishness in front of Barbatos. “How about we be grateful for whatever this home has to offer? We don’t even know the details yet, so please be patient.” The brothers groaned as they sipped on their tea. Lucifer cleared his throat and continued, “Besides, Barbatos and Diavolo have done nothing but show us the utmost hospitality.” Beel nodded as he took a bite of a biscuit. “Lucifer is right, you know. You guys shouldn’t complain.” Barbatos smiled as he took a seat across from the eldest brother. “Thank you kindly, Lucifer. However I assure you it’s been no trouble at all.” In the distance, they all heard the sound of a door shut echoing throughout the corridor. Barbatos stood quickly and smoothed his uniform. He had been in his demon form since they arrived, and Lucifer couldn’t get used to the striking teal that accented his uniform as well as the physical attributes of his demonic form. “Please excuse me, the Young Master is heading our way.” Barbatos bowed his head and swiftly made his way through the hallway to meet Diavolo. 

The brothers were sitting and waiting patiently as Diavolo and Barbatos entered the common room together. “Hello, boys! I must say, that went splendidly.” The future Demon Lord boomed. He had a huge smile plastered on his face as he stood next to the chair that Lucifer was currently seated in. Lucifer glanced up at the demon prince and saw nothing but joy sparkling behind his pale golden eyes. Diavolo placed a large hand on Lucifer’s shoulder and squeezed. “I must say though, I wasn’t expecting my father to dub you all as the Seven Rulers of Hell.” Lucifer’s eyes widened as he choked on the sip of tea he was currently in the middle of drinking. 

“E-Excuse me?” 

“Whaddya mean ‘Seven Rulers of Hell?!”

“No one told us anything about being a ruler of Hell!” 

Diavolo chuckled as he motioned for the brothers to settle down. “Now now, please quiet down and I'll explain myself.” The brothers were all on their feet now, staring intently at the young demon prince. “My father sensed great power in all of you. Power that he’s only felt in the strongest of demons including Barbatos and myself. The ranks you all held in the Celestial Realm will now carry over here in the Devildom.” Lucifer released the breath he had been holding. “So…what does that mean, exactly?” Diavolo beamed at Lucifer and gave him a sly wink. “Lucifer, since you once worked under Michael, the Ruler of the Celestial Realm, you shall now serve as my assistant here in the Devildom.” Lucifer quickly glanced away, and glued his gaze to his feet. He didn’t want to look up to see the inevitable stares of his brothers. He could feel their gazes boring into him, most likely wondering why he and Diavolo have grown so close already. To his relief, Diavolo grabbed their attention again. “As for the rest of you… Mammon.” he stated. The 2nd born bowed his head. “You shall be Lucifer’s assistant as you were in the Celestial Realm.” Mammon nodded and took his place back on the couch. “Leviathan.” The 3rd born nervously fidgeted as he bowed his head. “You previously held the rank as a General in the Celestial Realm’s Army. You shall now be appointed the Grand Admiral of Hell’s Navy.” Levi gulped, but nodded his appreciation as he took a seat next to Mammon, whose smile was beaming with pride as he gave him a pat on the back. 

Diavolo kneeled when he spoke the next brother’s name. “Satan.” The smallest of the brothers shyly stepped towards the demon prince and bowed. “You shall be an apprentice under your older brothers. You will work with them as you grow and experience the world around you.” he paused before continuing, “I’m sure you’ve already been having some flashbacks, correct?” Satan nodded, his emerald eyes wide. “Y-Yes Your Majesty. I’ve been told by Barbatos that these flashbacks are..” “..Lucifer’s own memories. That would be correct.” Diavolo patted the blonde boy’s head. “That is why you must work with your brothers to understand these memories. It won’t be easy, and it may dwell up some rather intense and unpleasant emotions. However, with time you will learn to control the wrath that threatens to consume you.” Satan bowed, unsure of how to show his appreciation to the demon prince. “Oh, and one more thing.” Diavolo got to his feet again and glanced at Barbatos. “We’ve had something made for you. Consider it a gift.” Barbatos retreieved a small bundle, which had been tucked away on the bottom of his tea cart. He carefully handed the gift to Satan, which was wrapped in a dark green satin cloth. Satan ran his fingers over it nervously; he could feel all eyes on him as he began to unwrap the bundle. Everyone watched in anticipation as the younger demon revealed a black feather boa. Lucifer’s eyes widened as Satan lifted it in the air. The ebony black plumage hung delicately as Satan wrapped it around his shoulders. “No fair, why does Satan get such a beautiful gift!” Asmo exclaimed. Lucifer’s breath hitched. He knew those were his feathers. How dare they give his feathers to him? 

The eldest demon began to breathe heavily, a sheen of sweat forming on his forehead. “Uh, Lucifer, are you okay? You’re even paler than usual…” he could hear Mammon’s voice somewhere in the distance. He couldn’t see anymore, all he could see was his now crimson stained feathers lit up by the moonlight on the cold, hard ground. The air was filled with the strong scent of blood. His blood. Lilith’s blood. He could hear voices shouting at him, but they were practically drowned out by the sobs of his dear sister. He couldn’t breathe anymore. The roaring in his ears grew louder, and suddenly everything went silent. 

****

“Lucifer.” 

A familiar voice began to stir the eldest brother back into consciousness. He lazily shook his head from side to side, trying to force himself to awaken. “Luciferrrrr…” it said again, this time more drawn out. Lucifer’s eyes began to flutter open. He slowly turned his head and rested his gaze on the source of the voice. “Mammon…” The second born sighed in relief as he rushed over to Lucifer’s side. “Finally, you’re awake! You gave us all a heart attack.” Mammon’s golden eyes were filled with concern as he helped his older brother sit up. “What happened? Where are the others?” Lucifer asked, his voice still groggy. Mammon crossed his arms tightly across his chest. “Ya fainted and Prince Diavolo carried ya here. We were all worried…Satan stormed off too after throwing a fit about the gift. It was a mess.” Lucifer sighed, rubbing his temples. The room was silent for a few moments before Mammon finally got the courage to ask what he’d been meaning to. “What exactly happened back there, Lucifer?” His older brother averted his gaze. “Nothing for you to be concerned about.” he said, stubbornly. Mammon scoffed. “I think this does concern me, ya dick.” Lucifer whipped his head back up to look at Mammon, offended by the sudden name calling. “Excuse me?” Mammon continued, “Does it have to do with that boa of feathers?” Lucifer winced. “...The feathers. They were mine.” Mammon’s eyes widened. “I know you’ve all noticed the absence of my wings. I tore them off. That’s how Satan was born.” Mammon carefully sat down next to Lucifer on the side of the bed. “I’m…sorry. I didn’t know.” Lucifer shook his head. “When I saw it, all of a sudden I was transported back to that moment and I…” he trailed off. Mammon nodded and glanced down at his hands. “Hey, it's alright. I don’t blame ya. We all struggled that day and we each handled it differently.” Lucifer nodded, not being able to find the right words to say next. After a few moments of silence, Mammon stood up. “Come on, let’s get ya freshened up and head to dinner. We’re discussing our new home!” 

Lucifer and Mammon were the last two to arrive at the dinner table that evening. “Welcome back you two! I hope you’re hungry.” Diavolo smiled. Beelzebub was practically drooling all over the table as he stared intently at all of the extravagant foods before him. “Hurry up and sit down before Beel drowns in his own drool.” Belphie said, rolling his eyes. Lucifer chuckled as he took the empty place next to Diavolo. The meal was pleasant and filling, even though they were all still getting used to the Devildom food. It was exactly what everyone needed after the prolonged anxiety of what their future would hold. Lighthearted chatter filled the room, and for the first time in a long time, Lucifer felt at ease. After the table was cleared, Barbatos went on to serve their dessert. Diavolo cleared his throat. “I’m sure you’re all anxious to discuss the next steps of your lives here in the Devildom.” Everyone nodded in anticipation. “There’s an abandoned house not far from here, it’s called The House of Lamentation. There’s quite the history behind it, but I believe it will be the perfect fit for you all.” The brothers all whispered to each other in excitement. “Now there is a condition you all must meet in order to stay there at no cost to you.” Lucifer rested his chin on his fist as he listened intently. “What would that be, Diavolo?” The Prince smiled. “You all must attend my Academy.” The brothers gaped at him in surprise. “There’s a SCHOOL here?” Levi asked, his amber eyes wide. “Of course! It’s something my Father and I put into place quite some time ago. It’s called The Royal Academy of Diavolo.” Lucifer clasped his hands together. “We’ll do it. If it means we can all stay together it will be quite worth it. Not to mention I’m sure it will be good for all of us to attend.” Diavolo smiled as all of the brothers began to talk about their plans for the house. “Then it’s a deal. Barbatos and I shall take you there tomorrow. Please be sure to pack all of your belongings this evening.”

Chapter 6: Coming Soon

[real-sotenbori-hours]

Hello there 💖 Love your writing and just finished yakuza 0, and if you're up for it, I'm in the mood for something different. I love Majima, but I'm craving drama atm. What if he and his badass beauty of a s/o are getting it on and he calls Makoto's name by mistake? New bae is sweet, makes his lunches, but is NO Makoto! How shook is she? Can the couple reconcile or is that the deal breaker?

This is a terrific prompt... I’ve been dealing with some roller coaster emotions as of late so I appreciate a drama req. Pls be patient and I’d love to write this. TYSM for requesting <3

Mistaken Makoto

Reader is Female

Mild smut, angst, mentions of trauma

***WARNING: YAKUZA 0 SPOILERS***

What a day. If she didn't stay and help up, who would?It had been this way all week, and Y/N had only realized how emotionally and physically drained she truly was at the end of it all, which couldn't be more ideal because nothing is worse than realizing how thanklessly overworked one is in the very midst of the issue itself. Thankfully she now had a couple of days off to decompress and relax and the first things on her mind were a quick snack, a cup of tea and hopefully some pleasures of the flesh with her all too irresistible man. She desperately needed some bliss to tear her from her incredibly demanding lack of work/life balance. Good thing her man was more than understanding.

They didn't reside together, but Majima's flat was a lot closer (and fancier) than her place, so she typically crashed there in the evenings especially after late work days. Her apartment was more of a storage unit for her belongings and less urgently needed clothes as she usually spent her nights at his place. Though he'd been pushing the idea of moving in together for months, it was just so much work to pack her stuff and close out her lease and with her long hours as of late, she didn't have the energy to seal this lingering loose end. She planned on it, but something else held her back from making it official. She hadn't even had the time to analyze her trepidation, it was just there, and something far more easily avoided. Money wasn't an issue, so she couldn't complain. She'd get around to it soon enough.

It was a damp, sultry evening... an hours' long rain had set a sexy mist in the air and with the low lights of Kamurocho illuminating her quick and safe walk home, she felt like a seductive evening at home was just what the doctor ordered. Majima had texted her only a couple hours prior, hinting at the same theme as he'd just settled some big work things and wanted to relax. He'd offered a lovely night on the town but because Y/N was stuck at work just a little later than usual, a hot night at home seemed like the move. He'd warned that he was settling in for a nap, and to wake him when she arrived.

Her plan was to forego the food and tea, strip down and slip into bed with him... he loved being awakened by her eager warmth.

After locking the door, she dropped her coat and shimmied out of each of her professional garments, slowly sauntering into the bedroom from which only a dim light from the bathroom shone due to the door being slightly ajar.

What a marvel --- his back was to her, his irezumi slightly visible in the dim light and partial obscurity of blanket. No matter how many times she'd seen it wet, dry, slightly irritated from her nails raking its flesh, it still made her skin tingle. She loved Majima Goro through and through and was willing to do anything for him. He treated her like a Queen and still offered her the world if she needed anything. He respected her independence, always offered to support her if she so desired, and was in turn endlessly grateful for her love and commitment to him. Many a time she wondered how in the fuck that she was The One to tame a yakuza boss... but she had. It was so natural and uncomplicated, she never batted an eye. It was sparks in the air the first time they met and every day and night since.

By the time she reached the bed, she was beautifully nude and ready. As much as she needed him and his attentions, she wanted to at least begin by lavishing him with attention while rousing him from his slumber. It drove him crazy.

After slipping beneath the linens, pressed against him, she kissed his shoulder, slowly and deliberately and then made her way down the back of his arm while slipping her hand along his back and over his hip, gripping the bone. He groaned, rolling on his back as she snuck up to his ear.

"Mmmm, I'm home...."

No further words necessary, he wrapped his arms around her as she straddled him, kissing and biting his lobe, down his neck, stopping to suck along his clavicle. His hands found their way to her hips as he gripped them and urged them to rock back and forth, but she wanted to prolong it. She needed to tease a little.

His eye remained closed, his breathing grew heavier as he gripped her hips hard enough to bruise. She adored it.

Leaning in to kiss his neck, she traveled up to his lips, leaving quick and desperate pecks along them before sinking herself on him. She rubbed his pecs delicately before leaning back and gripping his thighs, preparing to ride him. Just as she'd begun to establish a momentum, his hands gripped her forearms, his eye still shut tightly, lips parted. She raised herself, holding steady, slowly sinking down on him again just as he moaned... "I've missed you..."

She loved it when he mused in the throes of it. She bounced a few times, leaning in to kiss him again, harder, taking his bottom lip and kissing his chin... leaning in further to whisper, "I've missed you too..."

He slid his hand up the back of her neck, gripping and keeping her close. He turns his head, eye still screwed tightly shut as he kisses her cheek. She rolls her hips again. He rubs his lips along her lobe, sighing.

"Mmmm..."

She slams her hips harder, urging him to chase his release as he continues to keep her pinned to him, gritting his teeth. She loves his scent, his sweat, she wants to lap up every bit of it.

"....Mmmma..."

She bites at his clavicle, sucking tenderly as she continues pumping him with her entire body, just wanting to make him feel so good for no reason but adoration and appreciation for him... She just wants to hear him moan and watch his face contort as he fully surrenders.

She sits up, one last slam as she tightens herself around him. She descends, pulsing on him, cradling his head as his lips part one more time. He exhales, groaning.

"....Makoto...."

Screeeeeeeeeeech.

Y/N's heart, stomach, hell, fucking everything dropped. Without a second thought, she pressed her hands on each side of her along the bed and dismantled herself, rising.

His eye flew open, his head frantically turning, searching for his girlfriend, who was promptly planning on redressing and bolting before the tears could burst out of her into every direction. What the fuck?!

"Oy!" He shouts, sitting up, still registering.

She's already made it out of the bedroom, picking up every piece of her clothing trail and hurriedly putting them back on with the urgency of a burning building.

She's grabbing her bag off of the counter as he barges into the kitchen, wrapped in the linens. "OY! Where the hell ya think yer goin'?"

She takes a deep breath and turns around to face him, pinching the bridge of her nose. "I'm leaving. Fuck off."

"What in the hell for? What's the matter?!"

ARE YOU SERIOUS.

She steps forward and shoves him with a single, open hand. Bag still in her other hand. "FOR CALLING ME 'MAKOTO' WHILE I'M FUCKING ON TOP OF YOU. ARE YOU FUCKING OUT OF YOUR MIND?!"

He catches himself, grabbing the counter and throws his head in his other hand. "Jesus Christ, I'm a little drunk, babe. I'm sorry..."

"Yeah, great. Well, you can be sorry alone. I'm going home."

"Nah c'mon don't be like that, it was a mistake, I love ya and ya know that, don'tcha?"

"You know honestly, I'm not sure. If you're thinking of her while I'm giving it to you, giving you my fucking body, my affection, my time, I think the mistake is my being in this entire fucking equation. I must be insane. I knew there was a reason I wasn't ready to move out of my place yet...."

"Nah babe it's not like that, I swear. I'm really sorry, I know that didn't feel good but I was in such a deep sleep I really wasn't thinkin---"

"---ABOUT ME. You were thinking of another woman. While I'm here. Are you serious? Do you have any idea how much I love you, how you might as well have shoved your tanto straight into my chest? That would've felt better than to hear another woman's name come out of your fucking mouth..."

Majima realized this wasn't a conversation he could charm his way out of. All of the times he came home battered, bruised and bleeding? Yeah after a few minutes of patching, he could calm her down. All of the times he was stuck at the office late and hadn't eaten in hours, she'd bring him something home cooked, knowing full well that none of his favorite shops were open. She'd beg him to come and get some sleep but he'd assure her that he'd get it done and be fine. She'd take it all in stride, this was the man she loved, it was par for the course.

But being called another woman's name, one that held such a crushing significance in his life? Nah.

"...I'm leaving. I need space. Leave me alone for a few days." His eye flew open as he nearly tripped over the blanket, dashing to her and grabbing her arms.

He knelt, looking up at her pleadingly.

"Y/N, baby, please. Please. Yer everythin' ta me. Please don't go..."

She sighed, too tired to even fight the tears. She let them roll.

"I can't do this, Goro. Maybe you love me, but obviously I'm not everything to you. Maybe it's unfair for me to demand to be, but it's what you are to me, and I can't compromise. I won't find myself in another love in which my feelings aren't matched."

"They are matched, babe. Please just stay so we can talk about it. If ya don't wanna stay after that, fine, but please gimme a minute to explain..."

"Goro, what's there to explain? If she's still in such a dominant place in your mind, then what's left for me? I can't share your affection like that. This isn't gonna work. Am I supposed to get over it and hope it doesn't happen again? What do you take me for?"

He choked, taking a deep breath. He dropped the Kansai-ben.

He looked up at her slowly, his face changing, his voice low and serious."I cared a lot for her. I haven't spoken with her in almost 20 years. There is nothing there. Sometimes I'm plagued with nightmares from the events of those years. Between my captivity and the situation in which I met her. I wish her nothing but the best. I have moved on since then, clearly. She only means anything to me because she is a good person. I'm not in love with her, I'm in love with you, and only you."

Y/N swallowed hard, taking his words into consideration... soothed but still feeling an uneasiness.

"You said her name while you were balls deep inside me. How are you going to explain that away? Be fucking honest with me. You have one minute."

"Makoto and I were never physically intimate! She isn't an ex-girlfriend or former love or anything like that! It was an honest mistake, it had nothing to do with the fact that you and I were in the middle of it, okay? I was just waking up, babe..."

"You were conscious. You grabbed me, you kissed me..."

"My mind was still out of it. Come on, I'm telling you the truth. I love you, Y/N. I love you like crazy. Makoto has absolutely nothing to do with my life now. I was just having a fucked-up dream."

Y/N set her bag down and draped her arms around him lazily as he hugged her hips.

"Look, I don't know how much I ever told you about it but here's the brakes: I was told to kill her and if I did, I'd be let back into the family, which was all I wanted at the time. You know all about my Grand days and that tiny apartment and the fact that all I did was run a cabaret club and get followed everywhere I went and my direct boss at the time would just slap me around like a fucking puppy and throw wrenches in everything I did, right?"

She nodded.

"I was told that I'd be in good standing and that I'd get my life back if I did my first hit. I was supposed to take out some ruthless scumbag that trafficked women. It was a no-brainer. I hunt my target down only to find that this ruthless scumbag was a blind woman who had no idea why in the fuck anyone would be after her. You can only imagine my confusion and why I did not kill her. But I was then of course risking worse things than death by keeping her alive and hidden away, all the while lying to my boss. Once he wised up, he tried to kill me, her and the guy she worked for at the time who was a solid guy. I watched him die. I got roughed up time and again, had to find her, make sure they didn't kill her. She was totally blameless and a survivor of the trafficking itself. This woman went through so much and still never batted an eye at her poor hand of cards. Yes, I wound up caring for her very deeply and after all was said and done, I could've told her how I felt, maybe she felt the same, who knows. Instead, I wanted her to be happy and to have nothing to do with me... because at the time, I only created more and more enemies as I climbed the ladder and I knew I couldn't keep her safe forever. I knew that at that time in my life, I had to focus on where I was going, I couldn't drag an innocent person into my mess of a life just because I had feelings for her. I did what I thought was the right thing then and I stand by it now... and where I'm at now, finally, is a place in which I can finally be with the woman I love -- you -- and I don't have to keep you away. I'm not climbing anymore... I'm no longer a real target and neither is anyone close to me."

Y/N nodded again, feeling relieved... but sad. So sad. Sad for being angry at him and sad for his loss... she had no idea the extent of what Makoto was to him and had only assumed the usual out of fear of bringing up such a heavy conversation... but she was glad to finally have it all out in the open.

"Alright... I know I shouldn't ask this but I need to..."

"Anything, babe. What do you want to know?"

"Do you wish you had been with her anyway? I know comparing myself to her is nonsensical but---"

"---Could I love you like I did her?"

"Yes."

"...No. Because the way I felt for her is different. You have to understand, I had to fight dozens and I mean dozens of men to protect her. She kept getting nabbed, I'd have to fight my way through buildings full of armed men to get her out alive. She got shot and almost died. I thought she had at first. It looked grim. So I guess in a way, the way I felt for her then is that I just wanted to protect the only truly good person I ever knew in my life... at that point. How do I feel about her now? I just hope she's happy... and I believe she is."

"You said you haven't spoken to her in 20 years?"

"That's a half truth. When we went through all that shit, she was blind. She never knew what I looked like, she only knew my voice. Years later I ended up in Sotenbori tying up some loose ends that led me to her shop and she didn't realize it was me, telling a perfect stranger how she was happily married with a kid. I was glad to hear it, you know? That was it. I just hope her life now is great because the first half wasn't, you know what I mean? That's it."

Y/N closed her eyes tightly and breathed in slowly, trying to make sense of her emotional state.

"Goro-kun..."

He looked up for the first time in what felt like forever.

"Y/N-chan?"

She sighed once again and carded her fingers through his hair, tugging at the ends, trying to stifle a laugh. Though she was still mildly hurt, the burn of her fury had subsided... she was grateful to have gotten a full discourse out of him and now felt almost foolish for being so (understandably) upset. She all but worshiped this man... he has always been good to her, holding her up on a pedestal, treating her with the respect and care that one only does when they truly and deeply... love and care for another.

She realized it's not a competition, Makoto wasn't "some other woman" or even a threat to her... she was a member of his past, a traumatic and murky one at that. She realized in that moment that it's okay that Majima loved another woman (and more, of course) before her... look at him.

But in this moment for a time before and likely to come, Majima Goro is hers and only hers. He did the right and likely painful thing by scratching at the scab to let her in, to tell her what happened and how it applies to his life now... to give her a perspective on her importance to him now, in comparison to what he's endured. It's a scab because the events of his past never truly heal or leave his psyche... he's just learned to live with and in spite of them, in many thanks to her.

Her unconditional love keeps him grounded, her presence adds to his purpose and for her, the same.

She was indescribably appreciative that the gave her a part of him in his honesty... and she would never take it for granted again. Walking out the door in anger would be, in her eyes, taking it for granted.

He nuzzled his face against her stomach, cradling her hips, giving her all the time she needed to cycle through her thoughts and feelings. God, what a man.

She gripped his chin and pulled him up to his feet, slipping an arm around him, re-tucking the blanket around his hips.

"Let's go to sleep... and bring back the Kansai-ben. I miss it already."

He laughed his usual insane, multi-octave laugh and grabbed her face, kissing her lips, nose, cheek and forehead before ripping the blanket off of him, wrapping it around her and scooping her up, carrying her back to the bedroom.

[liquid-luck-00]

Siblings

Bio!Dad Bruce

Day 3: Siblings

@biodad-bruce-month

First ~~~ Previous ~~~ Next

~~~~~~~~~~

Mari had agreed to go to Gotham after Gina, Tom, and Sabine's funeral. And now I am sweating bullets, not for how she will react, oh no I am far more worried about how the boys will. Maybe having a civilian in the manor will curb some of their unsavory habits.

When I asked Mari and she agreed I could tell this was going to be eventful. She asked if she had any siblings.

"Biologically, legally, or emotionally?" I responded completely serious, "There is a difference."

She thought for a moment before saying "Legally because I already know I have a biological brother" she stated with a smile.

"How did you know that?" he asked her.

"DNA testing project for an ethnicity and ancestor report." Marinette said casually, "So how many siblings legally?" she pushed.

He sighed "Seven but it might as well be eleven with how often Barbara, Stephanie, Jon, and Roy are at the mansion."

"Can you tell me a bit about them. Maybe even the measurements!"

After he had given enough information to spur her creativity, Mari could only be described as a tempest of creative energy.

By the time we were to board the jet to Gotham there was a suitcase filled with only gifts, he had lost count after the sixth gift, but she still added some more. By the time they landed she had a rough idea of what she was getting herself into.

To his shock the boys hadn't tried to figure out where he was and that in itself was a blessing. The boys knew that she existed but were never interested in finding her and to quote Jason 'Save her from the insanity that surrounds this family.' Yet he was about to change that.

He had told Alfred that someone would be staying in the manor but to only leave a car at the airport and he would drive them in. Thank god at least one person listens to him.

The ride to the manor was silent conversation wise. But the constant scratching of a pencil as Mari designed inspired by Gotham's architecture filled the quiet.

---

Before leaving Paris, Mari found out she has seven siblings, 1 biological and 6 adoptive and 4 practically siblings, she will have to figure that part out. Bruce told her all about them and got her their measurements and that includes the one of Bruce's butler/father figure and his fiancée Selina. So in one suitcase there were 13 individually wrapped gifts that even Bruce didn't know what they were. The Miracle box, disguised as a sewing caddy, was among her things, but the horse miraculous and Kaalki were in her purse along with Tikki.

Oh kwamii how am I going to keep this secret if I’m going to be in another country along with being in a house with more than a dozen other people.

Once touching down in Gotham she began sketching, one because she was nervous and two Gotham's architecture was gorgeous. She didn't even realize that they had arrived at the manor until the engine cut.

"Let's introduce you to everyone" Bruce stated with a sigh and a small smile. They left the bags in the car and walked up the steps. As they neared the door they heard it.

"Get back here Todd" one extremely angry voice sounded.

"Dick HELP ME" another voice yelled.

They opened the door and there was quite the scene. Who she believes is Damian is chasing, who she is mostly sure is Jason, with a... is that a katana? And who she is certain must be Dick is trying and failing to stop Damian. In fact he is now also being chased. She looks over and Bruce is sighing looking completely done and with someone next to him.

"Hello and welcome to Wayne Manor." the man states, Alfred if she had to guess.

"Hello Alfred I presume” Mari greets him.

“That would be correct Miss…” Alfred responds.

“Marinette. Um this normal?" Mari asks.

"Unfortunately” Bruce states in a resigned tone.

"Huh" is all she says as she formulates a plan. The boys haven't noticed them yet so that is a plus, but what to do. Then she got an idea so she sprang into action. She watched for any pattern in the chase and when she found one she hid. She was next to the stairs in the perfect position to pounce. By this time Bruce and Alfred were watching her curious to what she was planning. She never left her hiding spot, but when Damian paused to look for Dick and Jason near her she moved. She took the katana and replaced it with a bouquet of flowers and went back to standing between Bruce and Alfred still holding the blade.

"How did you?" Bruce questioned her but she just gave him a smirk and spoke loud enough to get not only Damian’s attention but Dick and Jason’s who were hiding behind the couch.

"I thought you didn't tell them I was coming and here is Damian with flowers. Or wait who is the lucky person?" This got everyone's attention in the manor, if it wasn’t already.

“What the?" Damian stared at the flowers in his hand, while Dick and Jason came out of hiding.

The three boys were looking between her, holding the katana Damian was previously chasing them with, and the flowers in Damians hand. Then they began to stare between her and Bruce before finally someone spoke, "Seriously Bruce another one" Jason, yup definitely Jason, was the first to respond.

"Nice to meet you too" Mari replied. When she looked at Bruce he was still in shock but was now sporting a smirk. "Jason right"

She was holding the katana in her left hand while pointing at Jason with her right hand, he was tall and his build was most like Bruce he had blue eyes and black hair but had a white streak in the front, he nodded acknowledging she was right.

She then continued "I'm going with Dick, right?" she moved on and the oldest, who again only nodded his head, he looked the most like Bruce with his black hair and blue eyes but he was leaner.

"And your Damian" she finished with those in the room, he had tanned skin and green eyes that were complemented by his black hair.

"Is that my katana?" Damian asked, his voice seemed to be a mixture of disbelief, anger, and dare she even say awe, and all eyes seemed to focus on the blade in her hand.

"Yes" She responds with a smile.

"Honestly Mari how did you do that?" Bruce asked her once again.

"You learn to take objects off of an Akuma if you get caught up in too many attacks." she shrugged. She moved towards Damian and handed back his sword. "I'm Marinette by the way."

"Seriously B your missing for two weeks with no notice and come back with your Daughter. Who I might add was able to take Demon spawns sword without him noticing. Why wouldn't you warn us you were coming back with her! Or I don’t know going to find her at all!” Another person walked out into the hallway. Honestly he seemed ready to fall asleep and was holding a huge cup of coffee, he then turned towards me. He also had blue eyes and black hair but it was the longest of the boys. "I'm Tim, nice to finally meet you" he stated with a smile before turning back to Bruce with a slight frown.

At Tim's appearance and statement Jason and Dick burst into confused screams and wild gestures in Dick’s case, while Damian stood there analyzing her before giving a nod of his head. Bruce looked done but it was Alfred who spoke. "Perhaps it would be best to discuss this over lunch along with everyone else?"

"That would be best. Thank you Alfred." Bruce responded. "In the meantime why don't we you get settled."

With that Bruce and her walked back to the car to get her bags. Jason and Dick followed them out, and helped to get her things. Alfred led the five to a room where she began to put things away, only Jason stayed to help her finish her task.

---

The day had started as normally as any other in Wayne Manor, but no one, and I mean no one was ready for this tiny little french teen with the biggest blue eyes to get the drop on any of them. Let alone be able to take Demon Spawns sword without him noticing.

To say Jason was intrigued was an understatement. Seriously how did she do that, because he sure as hell isn't believing that excuse, like what the hell is an akuma attack. Bruce, Dick, and I helped her bring her bags into the room Alfred prepared. He was the only one who stayed to help her. One because if she could get the drop on the Demon then he had to win her over as a pranking ally. Two she was his sister now and he isn't as bad as everyone makes him out to be.

While helping her set up her room he found it, it was a suitcase filled with wrapped boxes. Now if she is my sister then let the blackmail material begin, but not without some teasing thrown into the mix.

"What's with the presents in the case Bluebell," Jason asked, throwing in a nickname to see if Marinette would have any type of a reaction. Because who packs presents unless it was a distraction or trying to hide something.

"Wouldn't you like to know," she said with a smirk and heat tilt. Well not the reaction he had hoped for.

"So what was that thing you said archery attack was it?" this got a reaction, but not one he was expecting.

"You don't know about the akuma attacks?" she was a mix of fear and surprise and he was unsure how he was supposed to react to that. Lucky for him as he was about to speak Tim and Dick came in and told them lunch was ready.

---

Jason not knowing about akuma attacks was odd and she didn't know how to react to his question. He was about to respond but Dick and Tim came in, and told them lunch was ready. They walked into the dinning room and inside were too many faces. She recognized Bruce and Damian. Tim, Dick, and Jason walked in with her.

"We're here" Dick dramatically announced, and all of a sudden all eyes were on her.

"OMG she is so cute!" a blonde yelled "Are we sure she is yours Bruce."

"Yes Stephanie. I am sure" Bruce answered almost amused. "Why don't you introduce yourself before you suffocate her."

"Ya, Ya," she waved him off "I'm Stephanie Brown" she stated as she continued to hug her.

The introductions included Stephanie, Cassandra or she said Cass, Duke, Roy, Barbara, Selina, and Jon. During lunch they asked her about herself she stayed in the realm of civilian, but Jason again brought up the akuma attacks so she explained a bit about the Paris situation and referred to them to Aurore's blog 'BugOut'.

She figured out the meaning of her practically siblings

Jon was Damian's best friend as Roy was Jason's because of this they spent large amounts of time with the family . The blonde who tackled her, Stephanie, was dating Tim and Barbara was a close family friend to everyone.

Afterwards she ended up giving everyone their gifts and Damian challenged her to a spar. The fact that no one, except Bruce having a partial reason, had any idea why she could hold her own was priceless. Seriously everyone's jaw was on the floor and Bruce looked like he was plotting something but it seemed to quickly leave his thoughts. All in all it was a good first day with her new family.

Next

~~~~~~~~~~

Tag list:

@mochinek0 @justafanwarrior @abrx2002 @ranger-gothamite @fantasiame @moonystars14 @mochegato @bigbeautifulandfullofsugar @maribat-is-lifeblood @iglowinggemma28 @miraculous-ninja @talutah0 @vixen-uchiha @danielslilangel @witchsblackfox @pawsitivelymiraculous @lizziejay @marinettepotterandplagg @colorfulmongerpsychicranch @dast218 @sassakitty @miyla-lokidottir @lilkymilky

[pineapplesandbananas]

My thought process watching Endgame (spoilers btw):

(This is very long, I wrote this as I watched, knew Tony and Nat would die but I didn't know when. It's a chaotic mess of me screaming and sobbing the whole movie. Please enjoy.)

-So I started crying two minutes in.

-THE BARTONS 😭.

-TONYYYYYY.

-Carol you little shit.

-NaTaShA rOmAnOfF sToP bReAkInG mY hEaRt.

-Nat's hair is awesome.

-Scottttttt.

-OH MY GOD IT'S A MINI TONY OH MY GOD MORGAN IS SO ADORABLE.

-nats broken.

-BRUCE PLEASE OH MY GOD I DUNNO WHAT TO THINK BUT IT'S BORDERING ON YOU'RE A NATIONAL ICON.

-MORGAN MY DEAR DONT SWEAR.

-Tony please don't make me cry with your great parenting.

-I LOVE YOU 3000 PLEASE I CANT DO THIS. NATASHA AND BRUCE PLEASE THEY'RE AWESOME.

-SCOTT-

-"oh thank god." *clutches pearls*

-"TIME TRAVEL"

-HELLO TONY

-GREAT JOB TONY JUST JINXED YOURSELF

-nebula.

-BRUCE IS THE MOST PURE MAN

-WHAT IS THIS???

-BRUCE???

-heeeeya Valkyrie

-OH WOW THOR'S A WHOLE ASS DISASTER

-OH MY GOD NOT THE FORTNITE

-"yes, I'm fine, why?" *is a literal mess*

-"wuzzit natahjhaaa"

-CLINT OH MY GOD

-I'm gonna say it now and it'll be said again later, Clint should've died.

-NATASHA PLEASE STOP CRYING

-thor's a damn disaster

-THE SUITS OH MY GOD

-Clint's such a mess

-Thor and Clint need psychiatric help. They all do. But those two especially.

-Nat needs therapy, she's so beyond deoressed.

-oh Thor...

-Nat taking notes 😅✋🏼

-THE WALK

-I LOVE IT

-"see ya in a minute" NATASHA NO

-BRUCE IS TOO PURE FOR THIS WORLD

-HULK-BRUCE OWNS MY HEART

-MISS GIRL THE FUCK YOU JUST DID???

-JANEEEEE???

-"the chick with the antenna."

-HOW DID I NEVER NOTICE THOR'S EYES ARE DIFFERENT COLOURS

-Clint should've died.

-WHAT HAPPENED IN BUDAPEST???

-gamoraaaa

-ugh thanos.

-"Mr Rogers I forgot about that suit it did NOTHING for your ass." TONY PLEASE-

-hulk vs stairs is my aesthetic.

-"medic medic. This guy needs some help."

-LOKI FOR FUCKS SAKES

-ugh they didn't factor in so many things... This will be a mess...

-JANE JANE JANE JANE JANE

-Frigga and Thor ohhhhhh

-"eat a salad"

-DANCE BREAK WITH QUILL

-NEBULA WHAT IS HAPPENING

-FUCKING HELL

-fuck fuck fuck

-I wonder if we'll see Peggy...

-OOP

-BAHAHA HOWARD AND TONY

-HOWARD POTTS PLEASE

-We should go pay a visit to S.H.I.E.L.D so we can go say hi to Peggy- OH IT'S PEGGY HI PEGGY

-PEGGY OH MY GOD I LOVE HER SHE HAS A PICTURE OF STEVE ON HER DESK AND SHE'S OLDER NOW OH

-oh tony and howard.

-heads up I'm crying again.

-JARVIS

-JARVIS JARVIS JARVIS JARVIS JARVIS OH MY GOD I MISSED YOU YOU'RE SO OLD OH I LOVE YOU SO MUCH AH PLEASE MY HEAR CANT DEAL WITH THIS

-welp. Nebula.

-UGH NO THIS IS WHERE NAT'S GONNA DIE

-why does Clint use a katana now???

-"oh good."

-NAT'S GONNA DIE SOON

-CLINT YOU SHIT WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST JUMP YOU DIPSHIT LITTLE MOTHER FUCKING ASSHOLE???

-I CANT SEE THE SCREEN I'M CRYING TOO MUCH

-NATASHA

-NATASHA NO PLEASE NO IT'S NOT OKAY NATASHAAAAAAA

-I'm having a breakdown so it's time for a pause

-goddamnit natasha.

-I love you so much don't do this to me.

-no death has hit me harder ever in the history of my life.

-we lost nat.

-BRUCE 😭

-MY HEART IS IN SO MUCH PAIN.

-she's gone...

-nat 😭

-YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT IT SHOULD'VE BEEN YOU.

-bruce����

-we love you so much natasha. rest in peace sweet dear.

-FUCKING HELL EVIL NEBULA

-everybody comes home.

-not natasha though.

-Bruce. I swear to fucking god.

-FUCK

-BRUCE??

-DID IT WORK???

-ARE THEY HOME NOW?

-THEY'RE OKAY

-OH

-WHAT'S HAPPENING???

-WANDA BABY PLEASE COME AND SAVE THEM

-OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD

-NOT AGAIN PLEASE NO

-STUPID MOTHER FUCKING THANOS

-gamora???

-WHERE'S MY BABY WANDA???

-OH SHIT

-why tf is thanos such a damn dick. Like, sir?

-*cue our perfect little baby wanda???*

-I really miss Nat...

-GODDAMNIT EVIL NEBULA

-FUCK YEAH GAMORA

-peace out evil nebula

-Wait- when the hell does Tony die? I've never seen pics of his death... I WON'T BE PREPARED

-STEVE???

-STEVE WITH THE HAMMER PLEASE

-NO STEVE'S SHIELD

-we really need wanda right about now...

-like, really

-OH HI GUYS I MISSED YOU SO MUCH

-HI PETER OH MY GOD I MISSED YOU BUD. TONY DID TOO

-YES.

-FUCK. YES.

-THE QUEEN HATH RETURNED

-WANDA! WANDA! WANDA! WANDA!

-OH HI PEPPER!

-AYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

-i miss nat...

-ASSEMBLE!

-FUCK. YES.

-OH MY GOD LOVE IT

-"you have the little one."

-TONY AND PETER

-"oh. This is nice."

-MY HEART FEELS HAPPY. THESE ARE SEMI HAPPY TEARS. OKAY??? SEMI HAPPY. I'M KINDA OKAY RN.

-GAMORA PLEASE-

-LA CUCARACHA???

-OH FUCK YEAH THIS IS SO COOL

-GO T'CHALLA

-NO T'CHALLA

-WANDA

-WANDA

-WANDAAAAA

-FUCK YOU THANOS

-"you will."

-WANDA REALLY SAID, "I give you, some bad bitch shit."

-not wanda single-handedly taking down thanos

-oh no, is little thanos scared??? /s

-PLEASE PETER

-oh pepperrrrr

-it stopped..?

-OH HI CAROL? I'M ASSUMING IT'S YOU?

-YEAH IT'S CAROL BEING A BAD BITCH.

-CAROL AND WANDA REALLY SAID," FUCK YOU I'M BETTER THAN ALL Y'ALL PUT TOGETHER!"

-The Girls™ (and Peter)

-UGH THE POWER THESE WOMEN HOLD

-nat would've really pulled it all together...

-"IM A BAD BITCH YOU CANT KILL ME" - The Girls™

-there's 35 minutes left and I just realized the pain isn't over yet.

-I'll finish just before midnight tho.

-CAROL

-FUCK

-OH HELL YEAH CAROL

-BAHAHA PLEASE

-shit shit shit

-OH NO TONY-

-BAHAHAHA

-NO TONY

-Tony's gonna die now...

-"nat, we won." "what'd it cost?" "everything."

-thanos is gone.

-OH TONY PLEASE.

-OH RHODEY

-PETER😭😭😭

-"we won mr stark."

-OH PEPPER I'M SO SORRY

-"hey pep."

-"we're gonna be okay. you can rest now."

-PEPPER

-NO TONY PLEASE TONY NO

-rest in peace tony. we love you.

-OH PEPPER I'M SO SORRY

-please i can't take this anymore.

-UGH I CANT DO THIS I CANT DO THIS I CANT I CANT I CANT

-MORGAN YOU POOR BABY YOUR DADDY LOVES YOU 3000 SWEET GIRL

-PROOF THAT TONY STARK HAS A HEART 😭

-this hurts too much.

-that's gay.

-OH NICK

-wow really Carol? A full damn pantsuit.

-wanda my poor sweet baby your mom loves you.

-"she knows. they both do"

-MORGAN WANTS CHEESEBURGERS PLEASE THIS HURTS

-HAPPY GIVE THAT LITTLE GIRL EVERY CHEESEBURGER IN THE UNIVERSE

-there's tears pouring down my face, snot dripping out of my nose. My heart has never in it's entire life been this broken before

-i have a headache from crying so much.

-"yes please please knives."

-"I am groot."

-we know bruce. we miss her too.

-that's also gay.

-he's not coming back, is he?

-no he's not.

-he's going back for peg.

-who da?

-IT'S OLD STEVE WHAT-?

-why does he look like biden?

-70 years of character development down the drain.

-OH THE RING-

-OH HE GOT TO MARRY PEGGY-

-I LOVE THIS SONG WITH EVEEY FIBER OF MY BEING OH PEGGY I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU

-OKAY SO LIKE-

-WOW.

-wow.

-I'm crying again because of this song and the dance with Peggy and Steve-

-my brain is overloading. I have a really big headache, very emotionally drained. Best movie. By far. The amount of pain I felt. I've never been this heartbroken before. 3000/10. why are end credits making me cry?

-NATASHA I LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU

[setoangel01-fanfiction]

Ending

Crazy - Chapter 27 (Previous Chapter)

Fandom: TMNT 2014/2016

Pairing: Raphael x April (Raphril)

Rated: T

Chapter Summary: The ending. April comes clean about some things she's been meaning to say and Raphael can't fucking believe what he's hearing.

<><><>

I cannot thank everyone who has read this story enough. I've gotten so many messages from so many wonderful people asking me when/if I was going to write another chapter of this story which is more than for any other fanfiction that I have written before.

So, it pains me to have to inform y'all of this, but truthfully, I am done with writing fanfiction for the TMNT universe. I've moved on to other fandoms but I really wanted to finish this story instead of putting it in permanent hiatus.

So, here's the final chapter.

What I am presenting to you now is woefully unfinished - mostly pieces of chapters I started and written bits for but never completed fully but the idea is there. There are also larger chunks of it missing which I will summarize briefly (or even more in depth at points) what is occurring before getting to the next scene but the ending (approx last 1500 words) is COMPLETE. I finished the last chapter forever ago so it will have a (hopefully) satisfying ending but it will be rather rushed in getting there.

I planned at least 10 more chapters and this would fit into about 3 at most. And while I hate having to release something only partly finished as this final chapter, I wanted this story to have a conclusion. I would rather it be done than just be in permanent hiatus until I somehow got into TMNT again (which honestly, I don't see happening) and I thought most of my readers would agree, so hopefully, this is sufficient.

Thanks again for sticking with me through this long wait. I sincerely hope you enjoy!

<><><>

Author's Note: Scene starts from where we left off last chapter -

The following day, Raphael wakes up in the lair's infirmary suffering from a mild case of pneumonia from being out in the cold. He's frantic and wondering where he is when he finally notices Leo sitting next to him by the bed.

As Raphael stares at Leo, Raph suddenly recalls what he's doing here and what he'd just been through last night and the situation with April. Of course, it's a shock to the system as he's forced to confront that April had been with Casey and is understandably brokenhearted about the whole situation all over again.

A long terse silence passes before Leo and Raphael (reluctantly) have a long talk about everything that transpired. Here is a bit of that I did manage to write out; sorry if it's shit. XD It was a mere 15 minute word vomit more than anything.

<><><> "You can't keep doing this to yourself, Raph." Leo sighed, still internally wondering why he was even bothering with trying to reason with his emotionally unstable brother. Yet as he kept stealing glances at Raphael's face and into the molten gold of his eyes, Leo knew something was wrong.

Something had broken his younger brother last night - exactly what is the question.

For as troubled as Raphael could be, Leo had never seen Raph like this.

It was like a light had been turned off in him. Because as defensive as Raphael was while brutally fighting him last night in that alley, it was like the combative nature in Raph had been completely snuffed out upon awakening.

"...Yeah...I know, Leo." Raphael muttered what seemed like hours later.

Wait. What?

Leo stared at his brother wondering if he'd really heard his brother say that or during his vigil he'd kept over his brother, he'd fallen asleep without knowing it. He couldn't remember the last time Raphael called him by his actual name…

"...What was that, Raph?" he asked while sneakily pinching himself to make sure he wasn't dreaming.

There was pain...so this wasn't a dream.

"...I said I fuckin' know, Fearless." Raph growled but it held hardly any of the heat it usually did.

Leo remained silent mostly in shock for Raphael was never one to say he was right - ever.

Just what the actual hell happened to Raph last night!?

Fists clenching on his lap, Leo stared at Raphael's profile for some of the answers but none were found. Just Raphael's nearly blank stare as the red-banded terrapin stared at the worn blanket crumpled around his lap. The bandages on his swollen and bloody knuckles knotting in the fabric almost absentmindedly.

"Hey, Raph…" Leo said softly, reaching over to touch Raphael's shoulder but pulled back when he thought better of it. "Talk to me."

Minutes passed in silence and Leo was prepared to speak or outright leave his brother to stew in his own misery when that quiet was broken.

"...I lost her, Leo… " Raphael said in a choked, broken laugh that might as well have ripped Leonardo's heart straight out of his chest. "I know wat cha gunna say too; like how da fuck can ya lose somethin' ya never had, huh? …I shoulda jus fuckin' listened ta ya…"

Leo was stunned into complete silence as Raphael continued.

"I…I really neva stood a fuckin' chance with April…did I?" Raph asked, looking at Leo and the agony lacing those golden orbs was something Leo only saw once with Raphael before - the night they almost lost Splinter. But before Leo could say anything in response, Raphael went on.

"Who da fuck am I kiddin'? I mean, fuck - look at her! As if I stood a fuckin' chance cuz who da hell could anyone ever want anythin' to do wit a freak like me?" Raph grunted, slamming a fist onto the bedsheet and Leo didn't care about boundaries anymore, he grabbed the edge of Raphael's carapace and pulled the much larger terrapin against his chest.

"Don't fucking say that ever again! She's a damned idiot if she turned you away because you deserve all the happiness in the world, Raphael! Don't let this define you! Ever! That's a fucking ORDER!" Leo yelled, holding tightly as Raphael tensed like a coiled spring in his arms.

Leo was waiting for the blow, for Raphael to punch him with his broken knuckles and scream in his face…but he didn't.

Leonardo swallowed the lump clogging his throat as he stole a glance at Raphael's face and it was almost like a physical blow to see the normally strongest brother look completely defeated. Resigned, just accepting of the shitty hand and heartbreak life kept handing him and the worst part was Leo couldn't fight this.

Curling his lip as he watched a rogue tear drip down Raphael's face and a new disdain for their Hogasha grew in Leonardo's heart as he held his little brother together as best as he could.

<><><>

AN: Raphael finally pushes Leo away and he coerces his older brother to leave him alone. The embarrassment catching up with breaking down and letting his oldest brother hold him together when he was always so strong. Finally alone, Raphael accepts what happened with April and thinks it's best that he stays away from her to avoid any more pain. If he kept being around her, he'd only be jabbing the knife deeper into his own chest. It's just not worth it anymore.

As much as he loves her and wants nothing but to be with her even only platonically, he knows that even being in her presence would be too much for him to take.

Finally listening to his better judgement, Raphael lets her go.

Raphael recovers and goes back to life - being more present in his family's life and away from the brunette reporter - and more shockingly, improving his and Leo's relationship along the way.

…A week later April visits but it doesn't go so well…

<><><>

April's heart hammered unsteadily as she quickly made her way through the manhole cover. The acrid stench meeting her nostrils immediately but she had grown used to it throughout the years even if it still turned her stomach especially in the summer months. But it was not the smell of the sewer that was bothering the brunette now.

Adjusting the half a dozen pizza boxes in her arms, she walks toward the turtle's lair.

It had been a week since Raphael fled her apartment; a week of turmoil and anxiety since the incident and it was only now she felt brave enough to confront Raphael. The terrapin who still refused to answer her texts even if it showed them as 'read' - he never replied.

"Hello?" April called into the lair; unsurprised when she saw Donatello in his usual spot and Mikey in front of the television further into their living area. Per usual, Leonardo and Raphael were nowhere to be seen.

"Baby Cakes!" Mikey excitedly burst into the room and approached the brunette in an explosion of energy that she missed so damn much. How long had it been since she visited them?

Mikey was careful to put down the pizza she brought before he picked her up and spun her in large circles with a chuckle. April happily accepted the hug from the smallest turtle; his arms strong and firm around her body.

"I missed you, Mikey! How have you been?" she asked when her feet touched the floor again.

"Just peachy, doll!" he announced before cupping his mouth with one hand and stage whispering in her ear, "But between you and me, Leo and Raph seem to have gained yet another stick wedged up their uptight asses, so watch out, m'kay?" he winked.

"I'll remember that," she giggled at his words; some sense of normalcy she craved filling her battered chest.

"Good evening, April," Donatello approached while she had been distracted by the youngest.

"Hey, Donnie! How are you?" she asked the genius terrapin.

Donatello shrugged, wiping his bloodshot eyes.

<><><>

AN: That's all I wrote but in summary, Donnie tells April about the attacks in the sewers that seem to be happening in greater frequency. The strange outages and power issues they've been having as well as the breaks in their security systems which is all very worrying and keeping them all on edge.

Yet instead of really listening, April is distracted, looking for a familiar flash of a red mask to ask about the incident last week and of course, to apologize, but Raphael is nowhere to be seen.

As her, Splinter, Mikey and Donnie eat the pizza she brought, Donnie and Mikey and intermittently, Splinter, informs her that Leo and Raph apparently have been closer than they'd been in years and have been patrolling together and trying to investigate the vast network sewers more than usual because of the strange happenings.

Donnie talks about the connections this has to Dr. Baxter Stockman and his inventions Donatello had studied and how it all links with the prison breaks - namely Karai and now they're waiting on pins and needles to see what is going to happen next. He warns all of them to remain vigilant and cautious of their surroundings at all times.

Hours later, April still sticks around the lair when finally Leo and Raph return…

Here's a clip of Raph and April's interaction -

<><><>

"Raph!" April jumps up from the couch as soon as she sees his red mask from across the lair.

Without caring about those around her and their sudden stares, she makes her way over to him but instead of being met with his lazy smirk and bright golden eyes, the second he sees her coming, he ignores her and heads in the direction of the showers.

"Hey! Raph! I- I wanted to apologize about last week. I'm so sorry to keep you waiting for so long, I really didn't mean to. I'm sorry." April says as she scrambles after him.

"It's fine," is his short answer and he still won't look at her as his stride barely slows down and she struggles to keep up.

"Well, still! I need to make it up to you! I know! How about dinner and a movie at my place this weekend? I could order from that new sushi place I heard is damn amazing! How about it?" she asks, grabbing his forearm is when he finally stops and looks at her.

Instead of his open expression, crooked smile, and bright gold eyes, there's nothing. His face is just like his mask - giving no emotion away - eyes a dull honey and mouth almost lined with irritation.

He hadn't looked at her like that since the very beginning when he didn't trust her…

April is not put off though, pushing through with, "So, what do you say?" she asks again with the brightest smile she can muster even as her chest feels tight while confronting this almost unrecognizable Raphael.

"Eh - Sorry, but nah, I'm gonna havta pass. Been busy lately, ya know," Raph replies and incredibly gently brushed her hand off his arm as he continues toward their bathroom without even looking back at her.

"But - I - W-Wait! But what about the weekend after? We can meet then!" she desperately inquires as she runs after him.

"Thanks for da offer but no thanks. Bye, April." is all Raphael says before he walks away; quietly closing the door behind him and April is left staring at it in shock.

A part of April is terribly confused and a little pissed but the other vast majority just wants to cry…

She feels an unexplained feeling of loss she hadn't felt in such a long time - as if she lost her best friend just now and she has no idea why. Just what the fuck happened for Raphael to treat her this way?

The sudden guilt hits her like a damn train as she wraps her arms around herself and feels the back of her eyes burning with unshed tears. She's tempted to slam her fists on the door, to demand Raphael let her apologize even if she has to grovel for him just to talk to her again or not look through her like she doesn't even matter to him anymore.

But she swallows back the desire and just whispers out, "Okay…M-Maybe next time then… Bye, Raph." before turning away.

Pressed against the door, he hears the soft click of April's boots as she walks away and it is then that Raphael gently falls to his knees. The pain of seeing April broke something in him and having to push her aside and seeing the undisguised hurt on her face almost had him disregarding his own pain to comfort her but somehow, he got through it…

Now that the initial contact is over, he thinks he can finally get through this with his heart intact…

Raphael just wished it wouldn't hurt so damn much to walk away from her…

<><><>

AN: Raphael and April stay away from each other for months.

April works, goes home, eats and sleeps; her life continues around her but she feels stuck in a limbo.

In case anyone wanted clarification about a few chapters prior -

Yes, April and Casey slept together that night when Raph was waiting for her at her apartment. Both were completely drunk and it was barely remembered the next day (but it was consensual!). Afterward, Casey tried to communicate with April to basically form a romantic relationship, but April refuses. She'd felt horrible guilty for the one-night stand with Casey but it stemmed deeper than just sleeping with the Detective when, while attracted to him, didn't love him in that way.

If April was honest with herself, the only reason she allowed herself to have sex with Casey was because she was horribly confused. Her feelings for Raphael had been more than platonic for a long time but she refuses to acknowledge them. Mostly in fear for what having affections deeper than friendship for a mutant turtle would mean in the long run. The species difference, the age gap, and most importantly, she worries these feelings she has for Raphael are only temporary and she has no idea what Raphael feels about her.

If she tells him how she feels and he didn't return it, she'd feel horrible and selfish and Raphael and his lack of self-esteem would suffer thinking she only spent time with him because of lust or misguided intentions. More than the rejection, she's more worried when she realizes that even after months of being ghosted by Raphael, her feelings remain unchanged. …while she loves all the turtles, this love she has for Raphael feels far more significant - but she could never tell him. Especially now.

As months pass and Raphael still refuses to talk to her, April slowly gives up on the notion thinking she did something to permanently fuck-up her friendship with Raphael. She wonders if it was to do with her sleeping with Casey and Raph finding out about it and thinking negatively of her. She's tempted to call Casey and give him a chance to stem the horrible loneliness she's experiencing and the guilt for feeling as if she used Casey somehow - but she can't because that would only be using Casey further and she refuses to do that. The feelings just aren't there - she's physically attracted to him, sure - but that's it. She doesn't have that same emotional connection she had built and grown with Raphael for over two years by this point.

It takes a long time, but April finally comes to accept that what she feels for Raphael goes deeper than friendship.

Their relationship was more than that - he was her best friend, someone she could talk to and listen to for hours without tiring. How seeing him smile and making him laugh were the highlights of her day and how she always wanted to spent time with him. How inexplicably her heart would pound whenever she felt those smooth scales underneath her fingertips and the sensation of butterflies would grow in her stomach when she caught herself staring at his mouth and wondering how it would feel pressed against hers. She just wants to be with him… It takes her a damn long time, but April soon accepts that she's in love with Raphael…even if now she'll never be able to tell him because she doubts he'd want to hear it.

So, she continues with her life thinking she ruined the one chance she had with Raphael forever. All her calls and offers to hang out remained unanswered and she realizes she also lost her friendship with him also.

Raphael on the other hand, throws himself in full time with his brothers to try and figure out the connection between Baxter Stockman, Karai and the increasing problems within the lair and the unrest in the city. Foot Clan being spotted frequently but not doing anything nefarious either. The turtles stay vigilant and mostly, Raphael stays busy to stop himself from thinking about April.

Even after months of being away from her, he still finds her at the corner of his mind every time he's not focusing on something else. Always in the background ready to fill him with guilt and anguish in the fact he hadn't seen or heard from her for months by his own volition and not answering her calls and texts. How pathetic he feels when he always finds a way to watch April on television if only to hear her voice and see her even in the grainy pixilated screen.

It's driving him absolutely insane.

Raphael thought that being away from her would help - but it's only getting worse. It's not he fact he lost out on any potential romance with her - he lost her friendship too - and he misses it desperately. Raphael is also terribly and constantly worried about her safety with all of the happenings throughout the city. So, Raph devises a plan to follow her home every day to make sure she's safe at the very least.

After weeks of following her home is when something happens no one could have predicted…

<><><>

Maybe he was a fucking idiot but he didn't care. Never mind that his creepiness factor was over 9,000...damn Mikey and his new old school anime obsession...

It didn't matter to him.

All that mattered to Raphael was making sure April was safe.

The pretty brunette reporter had no clue of his hobby of following her home every night - even Leo approved if he'd kept himself in shadows. Ever since he started ignoring her texts and calls, he noticed they'd stopped after the first month. Mikey and Donatello (who still spoke to the reporter frequently - which still filled him with bitterness even as he refused to see her) told him to call her back but he never did. When she'd show up at the lair, he was sure to leave without even talking or even allowing her to see him; he'd saunter off without a word. If there was a conversation, he gave short answers and gave an excuse that would allow him a quick escape. If his family noticed their lack of communication, they didn't say anything - even if the looks they flashed him spoke volumes.

But for their silence, Raphael was thankful.

After all, this fallout with April was bound to happen eventually. He'd go on with his life as he has been and she'd go on with hers. Let her continue her relationship with Casey; let them fall in love, get married, have 2 and a half kids, white picket fence, the whole perfect shebang - let the Detective give her the happily ever after like April deserved.

…As if he could ever compare or give her anything she truly needed…

Raphael shook his head of those thoughts and hoped that eventually, the pain of wanting her so bad would dissipate. That his once-obsession would fade away… For those first few weeks, it was freeing. A sense of freedom he'd not known for a long time.

It felt incredibly liberating..for only three months.

Three months being all it took for this unbearable gnawing ache inside him to form. This need and want to be with her like it used to be. He deplored this new relationship of skirting around each other just to not hurt the other's feelings.

...But he was certain that it had to be this way.

April's certain rejection of him would be the final nail in his coffin and he would rather control his own fate rather than wait for her to deal the final blow. Smelling Casey on her should have done that, but to hear it from her mouth would be the last straw. Yet, it still didn't stop the horrendous need to just be with her; aching to be in her presence and the chance to see her - so the shadows would have to do.

It was night like any other.

Fucking cold and windy even this late in winter, almost early spring, with small snowflakes landing and melting instantly upon his skin.

The frigid wind cascading over his reptilian skin burned, but the pain in his heart overwhelmed it enough to make it bearable and even welcomed at times. From the shadows, he watched her leave the building, walking side by side with her co-worker, Vernon. She said a few parting pleasantries to her camera man, who thankfully, quit asking her to go over to some new cafe for 'munchies' once the nerd finally got himself a girlfriend - a fucking bombshell one at that.

How Vernon managed to pull it off, Raphael would never know.

A parting wave later, she was off into the dangers of the city - not alone - but she didn't have to know that.

Raph followed her diligently, staying silent as night. Keeping a large vantage point around her and anyone who would pass by, look in her direction or walk near her.

She was only a few blocks from her apartment when Raphael swore that if he had hairs on the back of his neck, they'd be standing on end. A dreaded realization came over him when he saw the visage of someone he never wished to see again emerge from a nearby alley like an actual shadow. Yet instead of the normal ninjitsu techniques he'd expect - he saw the flash of an object he didn't anticipate them to carry and a sound that followed it - the non-mistakable metallic click of a gun being cocked than aimed straight toward the back of the unsuspecting April's head.

In an instant, he was jumping from the building and running as soon as the muffled pop went off.

The graze of the bullet sliced cleanly across the scales of his shoulder the second he heard April shriek and hit the ground in a blind panic. Raphael ignored his wound, pinpointing the attacker and the woman stared back at him in terror.

Karai.

The very appearance of her filled him with more rage than he could have imagined.

Without any care that she was a woman, he attacked, and for the first time, she flinched in panic at the utter fear that consumed her. Raphael supposed that just the sight of his burning amber eyes and bared teeth let her know immediately that mercy simply was not an option.

In what could only be desperation, Karai shot again.

The shot ricocheting off his plastron right before she tried to run, black hair flicking across her face as she hurriedly cocked the gun again, but she didn't have time to pull the trigger when he saw red; slamming her with every ounce of strength in his body.

Karai's thin form flying backwards at the sheer force; hitting the brick wall with a heavy thunk and the distinct crack of bone echoing throughout the area before she fell lifelessly to the floor. The woman let out a pitiful noise and Raphael was sorely tempted to snap her neck to finish her, but pulled himself back. If she was still somehow alive, there was no way he was ending her misery - she deserved every single bit of pain he dealt her for trying to kill April.

Raphael swallowed back a lump that clogged his throat and swiftly turned back to April.

The lump returned when he saw her sitting there - cornflower blue eyes wide, body shaking profusely with arms wrapped around herself but Raph highly doubted it was a response to the cold.

Raphael took a moment to look around just to make sure there was no foot soldiers nearby but from the look of it, Karai was sent on this assignment alone. He snorted angrily. Hating the fact April got caught up with them - the mere fact of her merely associating with them consonantly putting the reporter in danger. He fucking deplored it...but April still wouldn't stop. She still wouldn't even after their fallout…

Without thinking about anything but April's safety, Raphael scooped the brunette up into his arms and took off back into the night.

April was silent at first, but as the shock wore off, he heard her crying, pressing her face into his throat and letting out the most guttural sobs he ever heard from her. Every warm tear against his clavicle was another stab to his heart. April should never cry - her strength and resilience during so much of the shit they'd put her through since they met - not once did she cry. Not once did this woman break down - and yet, here she was, hiding her face in the concave of his neck - weeping uncontrollably and clinging to him like a lifeline.

"...Ya okay?" he finally asked in a gruffer voice than he intended, heart racing, pulse thrumming in his ears as he continued to run.

April was silent, her arms wrapped tightly around his neck, hard enough to slightly cut off his airway, but he didn't have the heart to tell her to loosen her arms.

Raphael didn't dwell on what would have happened had he not followed her home that night.

Had he not been there to take that bullet...

Raph shook his head, not even daring to ponder that thought further.

As he made his way to her apartment, what just transpired flitted through his mind like scene from a horror movie.

The instant he understood what was happening, he just moved. Sheer instinct to protect April - it was like his body knew what to do before his mind could even catch up. It didn't matter that she'd broken his heart - didn't matter if she decided to never see him again - he loved her regardless. That was never going away and he accepted it. As long as he was drawing breath, he would protect her - would die for her if need be. This fierce protectiveness was daunting but he'd come to accept that he'd thrived with it.

There was something about seeing April broken like that - rigid, her knees and legs shaking profusely underneath her. Even after the threat had been disarmed and most likely dead, she didn't move; still, he approached her slowly and his heart nearly stopped when she flinched away from his touch. The pain of their mutual avoidance fell to the wayside when the tears started. Raphael didn't care if she didn't want to be touched, he wrapped his arms around her and to his relief, she quickly hugged him back, weeping into his neck.

Within seconds, he'd picked her up into his arms and they went off into the night, which brought him to his current point.

Raphael had frozen atop her apartment building. April had not spoken a single word since he saved her other than her broken sobs.

April sniffled into his neck and finally mumbled a choked, "I'm fine..."

Raphael couldn't recall the last time he moved so fast down her fire escape, opening her window and making his way inside her dark apartment. He's quickly flicked on a couple lights and made his way to place her upon the couch, but the second he tried putting her down, April screamed.

Flinching at the sudden scream, he embraced her tighter, hushing soft mantras of "It's okay", "I'm here", and "It's all over".

<><><>

AN: As soon as Raphael and April get back to her apartment, April becomes hysterical. Seeing Raphael's wound on his shoulder and the fact she almost got killed just hits her and she's frantic. Raphael can do little to calm her down so he allows her to control the little she can. Allowing the brunette to clean his wounds and bandage him up just to keep her quiet even as he worries over her seemingly shattered mental state.

It wasn't just tonight either. Raphael notices the dark circles under her eyes, the fatigue, and how she looks at him with the most heartbreakingly haunted eyes. So, apparently he wasn't he only one that was going insane from their separation… There are still a lot of bitter feelings between them that neither can fully accept or talk about yet but the silence does most of it.

Lost in almost a little world as the adrenaline and near death experienc e fades slightly as the night continues. There's little words but not much needs to be said. Raphael and April are sitting next to each other on the couch and April still has yet to take her hands off of him. Clinging to him like a lifeline and Raphael doesn't even bother trying to remove the touch.

He missed it.

The guilt of refusing to talk to her so long builds in him and he knows she feels horrible too for probably the same reasons. Eventually, April calms but still keeps her hands on him; her fingers gently running up and down his forearm and the backs of his hands and over the new scars from his knuckles he got the last time he fled her apartment.

There's so many things both want to say but don't.

The exhaustion mentally and physically hits April first. The brunette lying her head against his chest where she falls asleep and Raphael accepts it. Gently lying down, he lays her on top of him with a blanket over both of them.

Months ago, his heart would be hammering and his pulse drumming frantically at this interaction but now he just feels relief to have her close.

Closing his eyes, Raphael almost falls asleep when his phone beeps in his pocket.

It's Donnie's mile long text informing him in great detail that with the police interference and information, they located where Baxter Stockman was staying and trying to reestablish communication with the Krang and Shredder. They were able to stop them all. The only missing piece is Karai who is missing and it suddenly made sense to Raphael why she went after April alone - a final piece of hatred to leave when she believed all turtles would be occupied with Stockman. Even if Baxter failed, the pain of losing their closest human friend would devastate them all…

Raphael felt immediate relief at the outcome and wrote with one hand, 'Karai is dead she tride 2 kill April. Aprils ok btw.'

Donnie doesn't respond immediately but when he does, all it reads is, 'that makes things a lot easier. Where's the body so we can inform the police?'

Raphael returns the information before shutting off his phone and focusing on the slumbering brunette in his arms.

As much as he wants to stew in his guilt and frustration of these past few months, he instead relishes in her life. Her breathing and sleeping on top of his plastron as if these past three months of avoidance didn't matter…

Raphael soon joins her in slumber and it's the best damn sleep he ever had.

<><><>

…Now for the actual conclusion…

<><><>

The first signs of wakefulness was like a light dusting of snow - while it would hit your skin, it would be so light and airy, it would hardly register; leaving you in this limbo in that cusp of unconsciousness. It began to pull at his awareness when he felt a tickle of breath along his chest, the warm air brushing over those sensitive plates.

It hit him like a runaway train when the warmth that rested on his stomach began shuffling - the recollection of what had occurred the previous night slashed at the remains of sleep and caused his eyes to flutter open.

The first thing he saw was the tattered white ceiling of April's apartment, delicate cracks trailing along the surface like spiderweb patterns in the thin stucco. He trained his eyes to the source of movement; fighting the need to flinch upon seeing April resting upon his chest, her delicate fingers brushing comforting circles; tracing the grooves on his plastron. Blue eyes peering along the surface as her fingers continued their languid movements in an almost hypnotic motion.

April began speaking, as if sensing his state even though her eyes continued to focus at some point beyond her vision.

"...Do you know what I was thinking about... when I was certain I was going to die?" she asked, her small, shaken voice was broken and he knew that if his hearing wasn't as good as it was, he most likely wouldn't have heard it.

Raphael didn't answer immediately, still frozen in place at the sight of her; while April was always small and petite, how she was curled up into herself at this moment made her look downright fragile - like a glass doll that could turn to dust at the slightest breeze. Heart aching upon seeing her this way, broken and afraid weren't adjectives to describe this strong, fiery, and damn stubborn woman in the least, it was as if she inverted into herself; a shell of some sorts.

"...what?" Raph asked in a gruff whisper, as if she'd break into pieces if his voice was too loud.

"At first, my thoughts were all over the place...stupid things like that vacation I never got to take because of work. Not calling my aunt and wishing her a happy birthday last week. Getting the damn garden salad instead of the bacon cheeseburger burger I really wanted for lunch... Heh... Isn't the brain the strangest thing when you think you're going to die? " April chuckled, fingers never letting up from the pattern. Her voice was a low, withdrawn whisper as she continued.

"Regrets... I always thought I've always lived my life in a way where I wouldn't have any...but..." a heavy sigh punctuated the thought before she finally continued, "It was all a lie, Raphael. I do have regrets - mostly trivial things that mean nothing at all...but there's one that terrified me into a fucking panic attack last night..."

All of a sudden, her movement stopped; palm flat over his racing heart as she lifted her face and looked at him as if for the first time.

"Do you want to know what the worst regret I have is?" April whimpered, cornflower blue eyes boring into his own burnished amber.

"...What?" Raph asked in a barely audible whisper at the pain lacing those beautiful blue eyes - pain he'd be willing to die for just the opportunity to take it away from her.

"If I died last night... How I never would have gotten the chance..." her left hand reached out to lightly touch his face; dainty fingers brushing along his jaw before she continued, "...t-to tell you..." fingers brushed over his lips and signature scar marring them and he trembled at the touch, "...just how much I love you...how I've always loved you...so fucking much. I was just too much of a fucking coward to admit to myself…" The whispered admission was like a shock to the heart; blue eyes lined with tears as she continued staring at him.

For a long time, there was nothing but silence in the small apartment.

The only noise that could be heard was his heartbeat pulsating in his ears, their combined breathing and the soft purr of the heater turning on. Raph was certain she could hear and feel just how fast his heart was drumming in his chest, one palm still resting comfortably atop his plastron. He wasn't sure if this was some kind of dream - some kind of euphoric conjuring of his mind, but the pain he was experiencing just by witnessing the overwhelming sadness in her blue depths that told him this was indeed reality. It wasn't those sweet dreams where she'd kiss him, hold him in a way he was certain she never would.

Fate had never been kind to him.

He never imagined he'd be lucky enough to know what it was like to be loved, be accepted by anyone other than his family.

And yet - here she was.

This incredibly beautiful woman (inside and out) who'd become such an instrumental part of his world - who he had yet to thank for his very existence when he should have perished in that fire so many years ago. How she'd entranced him from the moment he'd first laid eyes on her. The blindness at his initial distrust peeling away when she helped him with tending to Splinter. She'd had him wrapped around her tiny little finger since; slowly melting the black ice that surrounded his heart. Years of resentment toward humanity who would hurt him, dissect, and kill him at the first opportunity.

…but she changed everything.

April showed him that he was wrong and he'd never been more thankful to have been. He came to care for her - protect her - and ultimately love her with every fiber of his being; fully accepting the fact she'd never return those feelings once Casey came into the picture.

The words she spoke now ripped all that pondering to shreds. This was the same little girl who fed them pizza and named them after Renaissance painters - the same one who grew up and lost everything only to give everything to him and his family. She owed them nothing, but he owed her his very existence, and yet, she was here; just admitted to him that her only regret in her life before this moment was her withheld feelings of love she'd harbored all this time.

It was enough to take his breath away.

This was not something he expected. In a moment right now where she was lying on his chest, curled into his body and looking at him as if just waiting for him to reject her - sadness and resignation overwhelming every sense of the word.

Raphael wanted to speak.

Every fiber of his being screamed at him to say something - anything - but yet, his tongue felt like a chunk of lead stuck to the bottom of his mouth. The words just wouldn't come. Words of his own confession, his own secret muse of being in love with her from almost the very beginning. Convictions strong; willing to die for this girl if only for the chance to see her smile...but his mouth just wouldn't move...

"I love you, Raphael…" she whispered again, a sad smile tipping up the edges of her lips, "I'm not wasting another second with this regret and I'd fully understand if you'd continue with us not seeing or even talking to each other. Heh...I just...wanted you to know..."

Raphael couldn't speak, but this time, he knew actions would speak something words never could.

He interrupted her musing with a giant, gentle hand on the back of her head; pulling her toward him.

Within seconds, his lips enveloped hers and he gave every emotion, every word that he could put into that one kiss. It was off center and sloppy, but God, did it just feel so fucking good... He couldn't count how many times he'd dreamt about this, those visions of the feel and taste of her lips upon his own were nothing compared with the reality of that beautiful, soft, pouty mouth loving caressing his own. Certain his heart was going to beat out of his chest as his other hand moved to press along the curve of her spine, the fabric of that ratty t-shirt clenched in his hand as he lost himself in her.

All too soon, he felt her pull away with a wet popping noise; while already craving her lips again, hearing her heaving breaths and rapid pulsation of her heart, he knew she felt it too.

That maybe...he wasn't so crazy after all...

...They were both completely insane...and it was the best fuckin' feeling in the world as she kissed him again...

The End!

[jupitersflytrap]

SUMMARY OF NEW WEST END LES MIS BECAUSE I JUST SAW IT ( hella long post)

ACT I

look down was just a brillant start to a brilliant show

THEY ADDED PETIT GERVAIS OH MY GOD

amazing, amazing valjean. 24601/10

valjean got absolutely battered by mr “feel the weight of my rod”

also there were flaming torches now and throughout which was pretty sick

valjean crying when the bishop redeems him

the hordes in at the end of the day had their shawls taken off to become the factory girls which was cool

there was a PROPER SCRAP between fantine and the factory girl

there was a lot of fighting in this actually

it was good tho

carrie hope fletcher just... *chefs kiss*

no teeth pulling for fantine in lovely ladies

and all the ladies were really good too

when fantine told valjean her story she was clinging onto him and crying it was… very emotional

have i mentioned javert yet? because he was really really good, bradley jaden really came through

fantine dying was extremely sad. as usual.

THE CONFRONTATION WAS THE BEST EVER IT WAS A PROPER FIGHT AND OOOH IT WAS JUST GREAT

THE UNIFIED “JAVERT!” GAVE ME CHILLS I SWEAR

anyways

madame. frickin. thénardier. was excellent. she was a really nice change from the normal pantomime vibes, like a cross between that and helena bonham carter in the film

the actor playing thénardier had some problem with his vocal chords so he wasn’t on, but the cover was acting his heart out and trying his best to sing but i think he’d lost his voice too which was a huge shame. he was still really good and funny though.

that master of the house… my god. hilarious.

there was a new bit at the start of it??? very exciting. it was like,,, people ordering drinks i think

valjean and little cosette was… so cute i literally can’t

the bargain was brilliant as per

GAVROCHE WAS AMAZING

look down featured enj and marius getting told off by the police and getting their banner taken down

also enjolras??? hello?????? he was amazing and pretty much exactly how i picture him. stellar work ashley gilmour.

and harry apps was a brilliant marius, big brick!marius energy

and!!! eponine was so cheeky with marius it was adorable

stars?????? amazing. emotional. the street-lamps were on wires which was nice.

red and black!!!!! new!!!!! harmonies!!!!!!! yes!!!!! also it was perfect in general marius was so melodramatic and grantaire was so… sexual with the bottle

do you hear the people sing!!!! oh lord i heard them!!

also all of les amis were just great

in my life!!!!! oh cosette!!! marius!!!! eponine!!!!!! oh god they were all so well cast and their voices were all unique and beautiful

a heart full of love!! my heart is full of love for this cast!!

oh side note montparnasse was very handsome and had a knife

ONE DAY MOOOOOOORE was as rousing as ever

ACT II

on my own,,,,, oh god my tears, shan ako’s voice is just gorgeous and i love what she did with the song

monsieur warnings was great

and the spy javert?? excellent scene. “SHOOT THE BASTARD” great work gav

they said “incoming!” instead of “there’s a boy climbing the barricade!” which i think was more fitting tbh

yeah so eponine got shot and little fall of rain nearly broke me

grantaire was holding gavroche back :(( my heart

AND WHEN SHE DIED HER HAT CAME OFF AND GAVROCHE HANDED IT BACK TO MARIUS OH MY GOD

drink with me had no right to be that emotionally devastating

grantaire was angry and enjolras tried to comfort him but he pushed him away :((((

on the upside tho whoever it was that sang the line about witty girls who went to their beds then got slapped by the witty girl it was directed towards lmao

OKAY SO bring him home!!!!!!!!! NORMALLY i really don’t like this song it feels a bit like torture to me BUT!! MR JON ROBYNS MADE IT SO GOOD, I WAS HANGING ONTO HIS EVERY WORD AND IT WAS JUST BEAUTIFUL

also the staging was great he was sitting on the barricade above sleepy marius

it was just generally great and the old man sitting near me audibly said WOW when he started singing

okay now it’s time for the deaths

FIRST OFF gavroches death was...... harrowing. he made it back to the top of the barricade before he died. when he got shot there was like a blood effect and i was just,,, shook tbh

now the other deaths

hoooooly shit

enjolras died first and i was not prepared AT ALL so i just started sobbing

everyone else died and grantaire was last f

it was super sad and i was crying basically the whole way through this bit lmao

jvj + marius -> sewers

BUT FIRST the bit with enjolras dead hanging off the cart!!! oh no!!!!!! the tears!!!! and when they picked up gavroche and put them together i just,,

yep

okay now dog eat dog

don’t like this song much but it served its purpose in distracting me from my tears by suddenly pulling teeth out before my very eyes

thanks thénardier

back to the surface! it’s javert! speaking in third person again! he’s very unhinged now which i like, hair all loose and everything

oh god the soliloquy i just,,,,, oh god, the staging of this was amazing but i won’t spoil it :))

TURNING YES IT WAS ALL I COULD HAVE HOPED FOR

empty chairs… oh marius baby he looked so broken, and all the candles were great as ever

oh marius whatever will we do with you

not to worry cosette is here to make it all better with her amazing voice, and her weird dad to make it all worse again with a criminal record

huge brick!marius energy here, very much passive until valjean told him to be angry lmao

THE WEDDING!! IT WAS SO SWEET! cosette’s dress was gorgeous

the thénardiers were great here as well, mrs thénardier was eating snacks the whole way through the bargain with marius

and marius punched thénardier in the stomach

i also cackled very loudly when mrs t tried to pass off stealing the silver as a magic trick

valjean kicked the bucket in the most stunning way he could have tbh

and of course the reprise of dyhtps had me in tears as always

amazing

just amazing

STAGE DOOR

added bonus: i got to chat to and get autographs of a few of the cast at stage door

they were all lovely!! carrie, shan, ciaran, harry, lily, jon, loved ya

also harry had a cut on his hand and someone asked how he’d got it and he said “i wish i could say it was on the barricade, but i cut it on a can of baked beans” and if that’s not the most in character thing ever i don’t know what is.

okay intense summary over hope u enjoyed

[icarus-imagines]

Len Kagamine X Fan!Reader -Part 1-

Request from an internet friend~

How about a Len Kagamine, from Vocaloid, and I'm his biggest fan that shows up to all concerts/fan meets but isn’t weird and or creepy, please?

Word Count: 2,187

Category: Vocaloid

~My Idol~

Your hands shook as you held one of the smallest yet most significant pieces of paper. A VIP ticket to your all-time favorite band, Vocaloid. Which included backstage passes, spending time with the whole band, and a short date with your favorite band member. You didn't obsess over them. But you loved them. They helped you get through your life, through thick and thin with their motivational songs and heart-wrenching lyrics. You owed a lot to them. This was your once in a lifetime ticket to finally thank them for all they had done for you. The only problem was...

How are you going to get to Japan?

You lived in (C/n). You couldn't possibly round up enough money to get a round trip plane pass by the time the date was set. And like that you're hopes to meet them were crushed. You would never be able to meet them you looked back to the box you had taken the small card from. Had they given you a ticket?

Setting the ticket down carefully, like it was your newborn baby, you searched the box carefully for anything in the stuffing.

Aha!

You're (Pale/Tanned/Black/etc) skin brushed against something and as you pulled it out your eyes widened. In big black and build letter read:

ROUND TRIP TICKET

(YOU'RE COUNTRY & CAPITAL)

TOKYO, JAPAN

Tears almost began filling your eyes as your dreams were refilled like a big yellow balloon at a birthday party. Your life was saved! Setting the ticket down next to the VIP pass an envelope dropped. Picking it up your eyes scanned the envelope, discovering it looked exactly the same as the envelope which you found your VIP ticket in.

Slowly opening the envelope you pulled out...Another VIP ticket? It looked the same, but instead, it was silver instead of a platinum gold. Even so, it still shined as brightly.

You carefully read the written contents to find out, by some miracle you could bring a friend. They would be able to go backstage with you and spend some time with the band. The only downside was they didn't get to go on a date, but rather choose a band member to give them a bouquet.

You instantly knew who was going to go with you on this special occasion. (BF/n). It was an obvious choice and you knew if you didn't pick them nobody else would go with. You were both Vocaloid fanatics, though you knew she was a bit more crazy.

You thought of yourself as an average lover of Vocaloid. You didn't go crazy and rarely told anybody you loved Vocaloid. But deep down maybe you were a bit crazy though. Maybe, because of that one special person in the group...

Len...

Len Kagamine...

The way he beautifully sang from the depths of his heart. Whether it be an emotionally heart-wrenching or a hope-filled song, you were always brought to tears by his depth. He was your all-time favorite, and what you wouldn't do to meet him just once and tell him from the bottom of your heart just how much you felt about his music.

How lucky you were to be given this chance.

~*~*~*~

Your feet made the littlest bit of noise on the hot concrete as you raced with a big smile on your face to your best friends house. Sprinting up to the doors you almost couldn't contain your excitement as you knocked in the dark wood door a bit too hard.

It was opened almost instantly, by your best friend. You're words almost stumbled over each other, still panting from your quick run. They stopped you a bit confused.

"Take it slow, tell me what happened."

"Len...VIP ticket...Vocaloid," you panted out. "Come with me?"

You're friends excited (E/c) eyes widened. Their arms wrapped around you and squeezed you. Hard.

They realized this as your face turned a light hue of blue. Setting you down they apologized immediately.

"Sorry, it's just are we really going!?"

"Yes, but you didn't answer my question," you repeated it. "Coming with me?"

"Of course!" They almost screamed in happiness. "Now when are we going?"

"Two days..."

~*~*~*~

You and (BF/n) had packed together the whole rest of the day. The plane was scheduled for the early hours of tomorrow so you two slept earlier than normal. It would take (**) hours, so you prepared to be energized for the trip there.

Rising early in the morning you both were ready and set. Taking a quick cab there you both boarded. And as you both sat down looking out of the window at the sky you couldn't help but sort of shut down and really think.

You were given the chance of meeting the one person in the world you never thought would ever know you even existed. Your heart clenched just imagining the shining face of your beloved idol telling you hello and welcoming you to the rest of the band. It was like a fairy tale. Even if you only had two days to spend in Japan. You would make the most of it.

You only hoped that he would be as happy to see you.

~*~*~*~

"Hurry! We don't have much time!" (BF/n) yelled taking a hold of your left wrist. In your right hand, you clutched the tickets close to your chest as not to lose them.

You had both woken up a bit late and were know hurriedly running to the ginormous building that held the concert after hauling a cab on the crowded streets.

You passed a few people who either gave you confused and/or knowing smiles making you blush at the unwanted attention.

Arriving at the gate you were escorted by two head bodyguards to a slightly hidden door to the side. Going through it you were both walking through a long winding hallway. As you went through you read the permanent nameplates:

-MIKU-

-KAITO-

-GAKUPO-

-RIN-

-LEN-

Your body almost stopped in surprise at seeing Len's dressing room. You almost thought of yourself as a pervert for a second, thinking about Len getting undressed in that very room. Shaking away the thought you trailed behind the bodyguards until they got to a door labeled:

-BACKSTAGE-

You tried to even your breathing as (BF/n) took a hold of your (Smooth/Rough/etc) hand on their own. You turned your head to them and smiled as they offered a reassuring smile.

The door opened and your breath caught in your throat at the sight.

Disregarding the few select others that also received VIP tickets who were talking to their respective idols your eyes trailed to the one person your heart beat the fastest for.

His back was to you, but you knew it was him instantly. His hair was in the usual short ponytail, the yellow of his hair bright and radiant like the sun itself. Maybe it was an exaggeration, but he was practically beauty.

He raised his head up, almost as if he knew someone was looking at him and turned towards you two. You're eyes met and locked instantly. A blush raised to your cheeks as he offered a small smile and approached you.

"You must be (L/n)-san, correct?" He bowed low in greeting. You did the same, a bit nervously. Raising up he continued, holding his hand out to you. "It's nice to meet you, miss. My names Len Kagamine."

Such a gentleman, you thought.

You took his hand in yours, and you noticed how soft and warm it was. But unfortunately, you had to let go. You took notice of his clothes. You instantly knew he was going to sing 'Remote Control', meaning he would be joined by Rin.

"Likewise,"you're replied shyly. "But," you started,"how do you know my name?"

He emitted a small chuckle at your question as he answered, "You're the last ones to arrive." Your blush deepens.

The last ones?

"Sorry, did we keep you waiting long?" You ask worriedly. "We tried to be as quick as possible..."

He waved his hand, brushing it off. "No, no. You're right on time actually."

You breathed out a silent sigh of relief at his words. "Thank god. We wouldn't want to keep you waiting."

"Ya," (BF/n) joined in. "that would make us look horrible."

Len nodded as he looked at the other members. He turned back to you with a grin. "It seems we'll be starting in a few minutes. Do you think you'll be able to pick you Vocaloid member?"

Your eyes squinted a bit in confusion, but after a second you understand what he was trying to ask. You nodded. "I see, but I don't know who's been taken..."

Len nodded in understanding. "Well everybody has been taken except for (Your Choice) and me. You can both decide which one of us you would like. Be careful of your choice," he said. You looked at him noticing he was looking at you expectantly.

"Yes, we'll be careful."

"Oh!" his blue orbs widen in realization. "Can you help me with something?"

"Um, sure." before you could say goodbye to your best friend he had taken hold of your wrist and had taken you to a table that held a variety of cosmetics and other small accessories.

"You would think that after all this time I would be able to do it myself, but unfortunately no," he mumbled in disappointment.Did he hold up a box with...contacts? "Can you help me put these in?"

"Of course," you replied as you took the box. "But what if I hurt you?"

"I'm sure you won't," he reassured you. "I trust you."

Sitting down in the nearest chair he got into position as he raised his head up. "This alright?" he asked.

"Yes, perfect," you said.

Taking one contact out you put your other hand on his shoulder to keep him from moving him. Though honestly, it might be to help you to not shake and be stable. You lowered it onto his eyes carefully. You set it down and quickly retracted your arms as he blinked rapidly getting used to it. You did the other the same exact way taking notice of the way his even breathing almost sped up the closer you got to him. Finishing the job quickly and without error, you were extremely happy you didn't hurt him at all.

He quickly stood up and caught you by surprise by giving you a hug. You were hesitant, but eventually, you hugged him back as you secretly were screaming on the inside your mind.

He let go after a bit, beaming down at you. You looked up seeing his eyes a vibrant green with a lighter green plus sign. It perfectly matched his outfit. Yoh almost which you had beautiful eyes like Len or even just his fake contacts instead of your own (E/c) orbs. But dismissed it.

"Thank you so much. My sister, Rin, is busy getting dressed so you do this for me instead was a big help," he gushed still beaming down at you.

You simply gave him a small smile as you waved your hand in their hair, dismissing your help as a mere kindness. "No need to thank me, it was a pleasure helping you."

He nodded but frowned as you both heard the cheering get louder, signaling the beginning of the long-awaited concert.

"Seems you have to go," you silently sighed hoping you had got more time to speak with him. You hadn't yet thanked him or anything.

He nodded,"Yes, being me is quite a hassle. I hope to see you front row in the audience, I'll wave to you?"

You nodded at his friendly suggestion. "I would like that."

Nodding Len turned and began walking towards the entryway to the stage, unwrinkling his outfit along the way.

Your hands started to fidget as they clasped together. You stood there as you built up the courage to talk to him and just as he was beginning to put on the head here to sing you desperately called out for him, hoping he could hear you over the shouts of thousands of fangirls.

"Len!"

He turned to you confusion and relief on his face.

"Is," you started shakily. "Is it alright if you could be my idol?"

A few seconds to you felt like years and when he finally offered a big smile and a final nod before going onstage to greet his fans you let out a big breath of air you had unintentionally held in. You couldn't believe your own words even as they had flown out of your mouth.

You asked Len.

And he said yes...

Len was your Idol.

What did you get yourself into?

[a-toast-to-my-real-friends]

LOVER RANKINGS

Alright, y’all may or may not know, I’m a Taylor Swift fan. Chad Willard posted his Rankings and Reasons for her newest album, Lover, and it inspired me to do the same. So, for the two of you who care about my personal Taylor opinions: here they are.

I haven’t sat with Lover long enough yet to really figure out where I am with it. Speak Now is my peak Taylor Swift album. I love the honesty and vulnerability on all those songs. My emotions oftentimes seem overwhelming, irrational, and illogical, and I feel like a crazy person because I tell myself, “Johnathan, you shouldn’t feel this way, so and so hasn’t done anything wrong, if anybody knew you were THIS upset about THIS situation, they’d all laugh and tell you to relax and calm down and that you were acting crazy.” And oh buddy, if I weren’t acting crazy before, best believe I’d act crazy after.

Speak Now makes me feel like it’s OK to be overwhelmed by my feelings, and Taylor does such a great job of saying exactly how I feel.

So I say all that to say, I’ll probably compare every Taylor album to Speak Now. Does Lover make me feel the same way Speak Now does? Yes and no.

I like Lover a lot. To be fair, I have listened more to the first half than the last, only because by the time I get to  “Death By a Thousand Cuts” I want to go back and listen to “I Forgot that You Existed” again. I’m going to agree with what Chad said that Hannah said: “our enjoyment of her songs oftentimes stems from where our current relationship status is.” I’m so happy that Taylor is in such a healthy, great place emotionally, and that she’s so deeply in love – and the songs she’s made are SO GOOD; but I think I’m having a difficult time enjoying them the way I would if I were in a solid, committed, tried and true relationship. I listen to “I think he knows” and “Paper Rings” and “Lover” and instead of being all glowy and glittery I just feel – sad, I guess. Which maybe explains why I like Speak Now so much, because a lot of those are sad and Overwhelmingly Emotional.

Anyway, TO THE RANKINGS!

18: False God. I just think it’s sonically boring. It’s not fun to sing along to, and the lyrics don’t do enough for me to raise it any higher. I’m gonna give it a little bit longer, maybe it’ll eventually grow on me, but it’s dangerously close to becoming a skip.

17: Miss Americana and the Heartbreak Prince. I’m going to get dragged for this, but it’s got the same chord progression as “So it Goes” from REPUTATION, and tbh, that one is a skip for me too. Maybe I’m not deep enough or politically educated enough to see all the brilliance behind it, but I’ll give it points for the line “It’s you and me, that’s my whole world,” though.

16: It’s Nice To Have a Friend: Meh. This just seems like a list of unrelated things she’s done with Joe. Again, maybe I’m not deep enough to understand the brilliance, but what is she trying to say? And the song is so repetitive, it doesn’t keep my interest. All this snow, ya know?

15: The Man. It’s a fun song, good beats, fun to sing along to. But as a white male, the content is unrelatable to me. Which is the point, I suppose. The song isn’t meant for me. I appreciate it, for sure, and I think it’s important, but I just don’t feel the way she feels, so it’s just strange to sing along to it. I don’t wonder if I’d get there faster if I was a man, because I am a man.

14: Soon You’ll Get Better. OK, I LOVE this song, to be clear. It’s so sad, so relatable, so pretty to listen to. Hello Dixie Chicks, glad to have you back. I cried the first time I heard it, because I’ve followed along with her mom’s struggle with cancer, and I’ve two really close friends who have lost parents recently to sickness, and the thought of them feeling this way just breaks my heart. The only reason it’s so low on my list is because I like the other songs so much. Here’s where it starts to get difficult for me.

13: London Boy. This one is a lot of fun, it’s fun to sing along to, and I like the fast rappy bridge. Gotta work on getting those lyrics down. I also like the small details about the steps that we all take in relationships, specifically meeting all of his best mates and listening to his stories from uni.

12: ME!. Brendon Urie come through with those vocals. I think I’m a little biased towards this one, just because of the video, and the excitement that always surrounds a new Taylor era. It was the first thing we saw post REPUTATION era, snakes into butterflies, all the bright colors in the video, the peppy catchy chorus. I also strongly relate to “I know that I’m a handful baby…but I promise that nobody’s gonna love you like me.”

11: Daylight. Highly relatable content here. I always say Taylor knows exactly where I am and what I’m going through. Speak Now, I was living in New York, struggling in every aspect, and spent a lot of that era feeling pretty lonely and crazy, broken, losing friends and missing them but not knowing how to say any of that to them. Red was a carry-over. 1989 I had moved to Orlando, was living in the Wolf Den with a bunch of doods that I loved, everything felt neon and electric and exciting. Reputation I had been kicked out of my house and betrayed and felt very snake like, unforgiving, and hard-hearted. And February of this year, I moved into a house I had found, picked amazing people to move in with, and felt in control of my life again. And if you happen to follow Taylor culture, that’s the same month she posted the picture with the seven palm trees to her instagam, which kicked off the whole Lover era. I say all that to say, it was time for me to step into the daylight and let it all go. To be defined by the things that I love, not the things I hate, or haunt me in the middle of the night. I only want to see daylight and think of that that special person, you know?

10: Afterglow. Hello Speak Now. It’s all me, in my head. I’m the one that burned us down, but it’s not what I meant. I don’t want to do this to you, and I don’t want to lose this with you. It’s the perfect example, IMHO, of unconditional love. Here’s all my crazy. Here’s all my insecurities. They’re going to rear their ugly head, will you please love me even with those? Here’s what I need from you in those moments of temporary emotional insanity: Tell me that you're still mine, tell me that we'll be just fine, even when I lose my mind. Tell me that I'm all you want even when I break your heart. And when you do that, I’ll say “I’m sorry that I hurt you.” What a beautiful picture of loving and being loved in return.

9: You Need To Calm Down. I dunno how closely y’all follow my antics on Facebook, but when this video dropped, I casually posted it because I liked the message. As a believer in Christ, I feel the Christian community has done a HORRIFIC job of loving the LBGTQ community, and my simple post BLEW UP, proving my point. Sidebar, I also link the first listen of this song to being in Toy Story Land with Topher, Jessica, and Leslie, huddling around my phone under the giant Christmas lights for our second dive into New Taylor.

8: Paper Rings. Ok now it’s starting to get super hard narrowing it down. We’ve entered my True Jams™ section. The only reason this is at the bottom of my True Jams™ section is because I ain’t in love like this, so where I want to feel like glitter is exploding inside of me, I just feel like dried glue the glitter was meant to stick to. I love how deeply personal it is, I love the specificity, and the song is a BOP. Standout lyrics: “I’m with you even if it makes me blue,” and “I want your complications too, I want your dreary Mondays…”

7: I Think He Knows. A Bop. Fun. Sexy. Coy and flirtatious, while also owning her power. The rappy bits. I’ve never felt a longing for somebody’s body just by the way they hold a cold glass, but boy, does this song make me want to. What specifics, what detail. Also – “I want you, bless my soul.” HONESTLY. BLESS IT LORD.

6: The Archer. Giving me those Speak Now vibes. All my heroes die alone – I jumped from the train, I ride off alone. The LONGING. The wanting to be wanted. Knowing you’re good enough, knowing you have a lot to offer – but also knowing that it’s so much that maybe nobody can handle it all. I’ve got so much to offer, who could ever leave me? I’m too much to handle – god, who could put up with all of it?

5: Cornelia Street. My God can I relate to this. I’m ALWAYS looking for the ending, for someone I love to tell me they’re leaving because being with me is too much. I always prepare for the worst case scenario. And only recently have I started to believe that maybe the worst case won’t always happen? Maybe somebody will stay? But man, my natural impulse, my knee-jerk reaction, will always be to get as far away from any and all memories of the good times. I don’t want to be reminded of the beauty and joy and greatness because it will just keep reminding me that I don’t have it anymore, and there’s nothing I could do to get it back.

4: Death by a Thousand Cuts. Ahhh, yesss, Taylor. Speak to me of being left and of the heartbreak that brings. Also, make it a bop. I constantly find myself looking through the boarded up windows of past relationships, and I see the chandelier still flickering and see all the beautiful moments, though they may have lost the radiance they once had. Saying goodbye is the worst, endings are the worst, new beginnings mean something else ended stale. Also being given up like I was a bad drug – reminds me of a line from “Better Man”: “You pushed my love away like it was some kind of loaded gun.” Pure Taylor and I’m here for it.

3: I Forgot that You Existed. On repeat. Will dance and sing to this endlessly. Also always here for a good snarky twist of the kinfe.

2: Lover. Again, the longing. The vulnerability. Asking the questions that are scary to ask, that people would think you are insane for asking someone. Loving somebody so much that you put everything else aside, and all you want is to ask, “Can I go where you go?” Clingy. Needy. Co-dependent. As brave as it would be to ask a question like that, the fear of being seen as any of these things will keep most from doing it. Which probably hinders more than it helps, because if somebody loves us, truly loves us, we should be able to ask that without any fear of anyone or anything. But I’ll sing it and pretend.

1: Cruel Summer. SO. SINGABLE. I love the chorus. It gets stuck in my head. I love the lyrics. The frailty. A relationship that started as friends with benefits, her saying “it’s cool, no rules,” when secretly she’s falling in love and fears saying it, because she thinks it’d be the worst thing he’s ever heard. Yeah, OK, please stop reading my diary, girl. But the best part is, IMHO, he feels the same way about her, and also has feared speaking up, which is why he’s grinning like a devil, because he’s so happy because he feels the same way. 10/10 cant’ stop listening.

 And there you have it, folks. Time may change my rankings, relationships may change my rankings, but from where I sit, 10 days in, these are my thoughts. If you made it this far, I’d love to know what you think of the album, and your rankings!!! As if I’ll ever pass up a chance to talk about/listen to someone talking about Taylor Swift. Sound off!

[amethystdarkwolf]

Alone

This was based on this post, I also added a few of my own Logan headcanons in, my bad! 

I hope you enjoy it!

Warnings: Emotional detatchment, sort of creepy imagery, mention of Deceit. Let me know if I missed any!

Word count: 1,658

It wasn’t the first time this happened, but it was the first time the others had seen it. Of course, it wasn’t who he would have wanted to see this first… It happened at an inopportune time. Normally it just happened when he was stressed, lonely or upset, just by himself, but, no… Not this time. This time, he wasn’t alone, this time it happened in front of Roman. The brash egotistical side, the brave, yet so very stubborn prince that always managed to get him more riled up than even Deceit or Patton ever was able to.

They were in the middle of an argument. It had started out as playful bantering between the two, but soon the small comments and teasing remarks were given more force and meaning, then they turned to sharp insults, then glares, then shouting. Logan was already stressed, overly stressed, he had overworked yet again to stay on top of everything and the effect was starting to show. “Well for the smart side, you’re rather dense! I can’t believe you’re supposed to be Thomas’ logic! You can’t even tell a good idea from a bad idea!” The prince snapped at him, “And honestly! Do you really think Thomas needs you anymore? I’m the side that’s more important! I’m the one who’s helping him, with his job! He doesn’t even need some teacher just ruining everything!”

That’s what did it for him, Logan had been shaking with anger, his teeth gritted against each other in a way that should have been painful, his hands clenched into tight fists. Roman was ready, he was ready and prepared for Logan to snap back at him, he was ready for Logan to yell and scream at him. He was ready for that. He wasn’t at all ready for what really happened.

Logan looked at Roman, his face completely devoid of emotion at all, his hands unclenched, his mouth shut in a tight line, nothing about his expression showed any anger, hurt, pain, anything! There was nothing! His eyes were the worst part about it, they had been a deep, dark blue, but the second Logan looked back to Roman, they were drained. Drained of any and all color, and feeling. They were cold, robotic, inhuman. Roman flinched, “Lo...Logan?” He asked, his voice betrayed him as it shook. What? It.. it was just Logan, he shouldn’t be scared, right? Then why was he trembling?

“This conversation is over,” Logan stated, his voice just as emotionless and cold as his expression, making a shiver crawl up the prince’s spine. Logan said nothing, his hands clasped behind his now straightened back in a very formal manner as he walked off and back to his room. Roman let out a breath he didn’t even realize he had been holding once he heard Logan’s door shut. He stood there for a bit too long, those empty eyes seeming to burn into his mind, he was snapped back into reality when he heard a concerned voice, “Princey? You good?” It was Virgil.

Roman sighed, “Yes, yes, I’m quite alright…” he cleared his throat, trying to wave away the obvious unease. “You sure? You’ve just been staring off into space for a while…” The darker trait asked, obviously picking up the clues of fear and unease, he didn’t expect those kinds of cues from Roman… Something really must have startled him. Roman nodded, “Yes, I… I apologize, I was, thinking. Um, I’m… I’m going to be off in my realm for… The rest of tonight, let Patton know not to wait up for me, the poor dear always does that.” He spoke quickly, and with a hint of a nervous stammer.

Virgil decided to go along with it for now, though he didn’t believe that nothing was up, he nodded, “Yeah sure. Have fun.” And with that Roman left, spending the rest of the night in his realm as stated, leaving it cut off from the rest, making them unable to go in and check on him…

The second time it happened, it wasn’t an overwhelming feeling of anger, frustration, and stress that had caused this blank. It was a negative emotion that Logan experienced often enough, yet never could think of a logical reason as to why, so he stayed quiet about it. Lonlieness. It was to the point of a breakdown, one that he didn’t have time for, luckily this unhealthy instinct flipped the switch and he blanked, becoming the same, cold, emotionless, robotic shell of a side he was when Roman had snapped at him, unluckily… Patton just happened to walk in at the wrong time. He didn’t freeze and flinch back as Roman did. His reaction was much more vocal.

Patton shrieked, his hands immediately coming to cover his mouth. Logan looked at him, that same expression, seemingly unphased in any way from Patton’s scream, “What seems to be the problem, Morality?” He asked. That tone… That tone still empty, still unnatural made him freeze. They stopped calling each other by their traits a long time ago, his hands fell to his side “What, you… you don’t usually call me, morality, Lo… Are you okay?” He asked. Logan nodded, “I’m fine.” Immediately turning back to his computer screen to continue the work he was taking care of.

“Logan…?” Patton asked, “Please, there’s something wrong, what’s goin-” “Morality, please, I need to finish this. I will speak to you later.” Logan stated, not even bothering to look back over at Patton. The moral side just nodded and left, the room had an incredibly large sense of unease and tension, enough to make Patton a bit nauseous.

After a few hours, Virgil came downstairs where Patton had been watching light-hearted and happy cartoons to clear his mind. “Hey, Pat.” Virgil murmured, doing his two-finger wave, Patton glanced over and paused his show with a sigh, “Hey, Virge… um… can you do me a favor?” He asked. Virgil quirked his eyebrow up in question, “uh, yeah, what’s up?” There was a brief moment of silence over the two as Patton tried to word this correctly. “Could, you maybe go check on Logan? You two are, uh, a lot… a lot closer than we are… and he was acting… strange earlier… and wouldn’t tell me why…” He explained.

Virgil froze, a million thoughts racing through his mind, “Strange, how?” his voice was quiet, there was something, very, very wrong going on if Patton didn’t want to go check on one of them. “He, well, he didn’t call me, Patton, he called me morality, which is, fine? It was, it was just very weird… and he looked, emotionless, scary sort of. Robotic and cold, cut off, entirely. And that scared me because ya know, I’m very emotional. So…” He trailed off as he glanced up at Virgil finally, allowing him to see the level of fear in his eyes.

Virgil took a second, but nodded, “Uh, alright, Pat…I’ll go check on him…” After the small ‘Thanks, kiddo’ from Patton, Virgil made his way up the stairs and over to the logical traits door. He felt a twist of hesitation and apprehension. Why? It was Logan, it was just Logan… Logan was the one that kept him calm, that kept him grounded, why was he suddenly so scared? Patton could easily just be messing with him, it was October after all. Before he could change his mind, he knocked on the deep blue door.

“Come in,” was the almost instant response from inside. Maybe Patton WAS messing with him, he sounded totally normal. Virgil cracked the door open and walked in. Logan was at his desk, he glanced over at him a small smile coming to his lips, “Ah, hello, Virgil.” He was fine, he was normal… “Sup, are, uh, are you okay? Patton said, that you were acting weird earlier.” Virgil mentioned, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly.

Logan paused, a realization dawning on him, “Oh, well, I’m fine now. I was… I probably should explain to Patton and Roman what happened... If I’m incredibly overwhelmed emotionally, typically in a negative sense, I will involuntarily shut off all emotions,as a metaphorical restart. I refer to it in my notes as ‘Blanking’” he explained. Virgil paused as he registered what he had been told, “So, you basically become a robot?” he asked. When he received a nod in return he sighed, “Lo, you know how bad that is, how unhealthy it is to cut off like that.”

Logan shook his head, “I’m well aware, but it’s always been like this and it’s under control,” he muttered. “If it’s involuntary, it’s not under control is it?” Virgil crossed his arms, “Logan, you scared Patton by doing that, I’m pretty damn sure that’s why Roman was so uneasy after your fight. It isn’t healthy for you or any of us, because one day you’ll snap. You know this, why didn’t you just tell us, so that we would help you?” The darker trait asked.

“It’s fine, Virgil, leave it be, I’m not normally around anyone when it happens, on the off-chance that I am, I apologize, but this isn’t something toxic, this isn’t me keeping all of my emotions contained, it’s simply, me taking a break from them and coming back. I’ll be fine, and I’ll leave if I start to get like that and I’m around any of you,” Logan stated, his voice had a certain edge to it, some kind of harshness that was unwarranted. Virgil shook his head, rolling his eyes, “Fine, but you know you’re being illogical.” He muttered as he walked out.

That was his mistake because, with the exception of appearing when he was summoned by Thomas or for a video, Logan stayed in his room. Staying locked away, and alone. Making him blank more and more all because of what he considered the most illogical reason. Loneliness.

[Taglists under the cut, ask to be added or removed]

Fic Specific Taglist: @sympathetic-deceit-trash @dailypattondoodle

Sanders Sides Taglist:  @starryfirefliesbloggo @weirdsthenewnormal @purpleshipper @darkle-elkrad @just-an-anxious-mess @emo-potato-virgil @kaymischief25  @yeet-ya-chickenstrips @blueeyedscorpion @rayndropsonrosez @ts-random-pictures @aurinkari @itsme98z @lunacatzuniverse @illogicaldeath @heretoreadmyfics @echomist13 @crownswriter123 @logan-smarter-than-you-sanders  @never-saygood-bye @side-for-sides

[truthbeetoldmedia]

The 100 5x12 "Damocles Pt 1" Review

Guys…..I don’t even know. This show was my favorite TV show in years, maybe ever until this season (well, I kinda didn’t love Season 4 but that finale was so amazing I was still hooked) but now I don’t even know how the show wants me to feel? Do the writers want us all to stop watching? This season went off the rails after episode 5x05 and I am not a happy camper so be prepared for a salty review.

The good:

“Say hello to my little friend.” Murphy quoting Scarface as he shoots the giant laser gun, only for him to screw it up and almost blow everyone up is grade A John Murphy content.

While I’m on that scene with the laser gun, I just want to say that Dean White has such an eye for cinematography and I loved the way this whole scene was shot. Same with the march through the gorge, this episode did nail directing!

Emori and Murphy exchanging little smiles after he uses the same screw up later to give them cover to escape in the rover. Post apocalyptic Bonnie and Clyde 4ever.

SHAW. Miles Zeke “I will break if they torture you” Shaw. He is a treasure guys, he would rather die by being electrocuted than live knowing he killed hundreds of people or was the reason Raven got tortured. Protect this man. I want him and Raven to spend forever together.

Echo reading Clarke to filth for leaving Bellamy to likely die in the fighting pit because she was angry. This will be extended into the “bad” and “ugly” section.

Monty calmly telling Echo he’s not doing what she wants him to do over the radio.

Abby and Clarke actually having an affectionate second as mom and daughter...even though it was still kinda empty.

Clarke FINALLY waking up and helping her friends...this will also show up in my bad/ugly section.

Indra and Gaia having an actual mother/daughter moment. ”I’m not leaving my daughter” I want them both to survive, they deserve to be happy with each other.

I loved Octavia finally realizing how bad of a leader she’s been, I do not want her to get off the hook that easy. She has made terrible decisions and they lead up to this first 10 minutes of the episode, with her loyal army getting butchered in front of her. Of course the first to die was the little boy she had taught to fight, Ethan being the symbol of Octavia’s “hope” for the future of her people, (I hate the word Wonkru) and all of them mowed down in front of her. But I also hate it took this to get through to her — Thelonious Jaha is so disappointed in her.

“Guess she’s not up for mother of the year.” Raven as she’s taking the shock collar off Madi, TRULY iconic.

BELLAMY BLAKE is consistently the only “good” part of this show for me anymore (aside from Monty, who is almost as absent as his criminally underutilized other half Harper), and this episode we saw Bellamy do what he does best! Protect his sister, save people, put others first; but also he stands up for himself and tells Octavia “This is is all your fault, all these people died because of you.” YES, SON! Let her have it! Don’t hold back! When Octavia says, “Do you want me to die?” And he just responds, “Yes,” we know he didn’t honestly mean that considering how much he tried to keep her alive this episode.

Bellamy’s pep talk to Gaia — “Keep fighting, if not for you then for her” — and him carrying her warmed my heart.

Octavia saying “Wonkru is broken, I broke it” and Indra just flat out saying “Yes you did.”

Clarke reminding Echo that she has blood on her hands. “Don’t think all those people you helped blow up in Mt Weather didn’t count because you were following orders.” I about stood up on my feet and clapped.

Also in this same scene Clarke’s face when Echo tells her Bellamy isn’t dead and he survived her betrayal, girl was SHOOK. And the exchange of “Don’t pretend like you care about Bellamy now” and Clarke interjecting “I ALWAYS cared” — too bad this is the extent of emotion she gets to show for Bellamy in the last two episodes...when in reality she should have been crying buckets of tears.

The last second rescue of Bellamy and Co. in the gorge right when you think Octavia’s “fight is over.” It was great to see the rover back in action Monty and crew saving their friends, I just wish Clarke was there too.

I do think this episode had good moments. BUT hold onto your hats, we are about to dive deep into some salt! And also some plot lines that they seem to be “retconning” for no reason except to give fanservice to a group of people far too late and in the worst way possible...without further ado:

The bad:

Well, there were several little things that I was honestly confused by.

Kane and Vinson...what was that scene for? What did it accomplish? It was so random — what were Vinson's motivations, why did he want Abby to keep being a pill head? I loved the way he went out and the acting between Henry Ian Cusick and Mike Dopud is fabulous but, honestly, it was pointless and had no real impact on the story, like half of the plot this season if I’m being honest.

Why is the Flame and how it interfaces with the commander the most inconsistently written plot this show has ever done? Raven spent half her time in Season 3B reading Becca’s journals and explaining how the Flame works — but now it seems to work any way the writers need it to? In episode 3x12 Monty asks Raven if the minds uploaded to the City of Light (which I’m assuming is a large scale version of the Flame where thousands of “consciousnesses” can be uploaded and exist at once since Becca designed both): “There’s a chance my mom’s still alive?” to which Raven replies, “Depends on your definition of alive.” In 5x12 when Madi so creepily channels “Lexa” it’s indeed not her but a saved version of her mind from before her death, so Madi should be able to theoretically access her memories BUT in no way should Lexa be conscious to what’s going on in the present and “speak through” Madi — If this were the case why didn’t Becca tell the previous commanders who she was? That the flame was tech and not a spirit? Why didn’t the commander during the first Mount Weather troubles tell the next one about how to defeat them or how to help them therefore make peace? Why didn’t they tell Lexa the “threat” that crashed to earth was actually 100 CHILDREN that didn’t want to die or kill they just wanted to survive? IT DOESN’T MAKE SENSE GUYS. Jason, if you happen to read this, EXPLAIN.

In the same episode we are told the flame is ALIE 2.0 made to merge with and enhance the brain of the “host” aka commander. She goes on to say the reason commanders didn’t know it was AI was because the program “degraded over time.” SO how pray tell did a 12 year old girl reset the password on this thing when the 15 or however many prior commanders couldn’t? EXPLAIN. How did she channel a commander when from what we’ve been told it’s never been done, or grounders wouldn’t be technology fearing, warring clans? This plot has more holes than a wheel of Swiss cheese.

I’m gonna stop yelling about this, I promise. I just hate this whole plot and the Flame should’ve went up in flames during Praimfaya.

Killing Ethan. So Thelonious Jaha literally dies to save his adopted son, and he is the first casualty in the gorge? Really, writers? Jaha lost his biological son, Wells, grieved him for almost 5 seasons and in turn sacrifices his life to protect his surrogate son the way he couldn’t protect his biological one, and this is how Jaha is rewarded? I really can’t believe.

The general attitude the writers seem to have about Clarke’s emotions and love, etc. Yes, she can miss Lexa, BUT I don’t believe the levels she misses a person that she knew in total for 4 months and hated approximately 3 months and one day, but not still be gutted over losing her best friend of FIFTEEN YEARS, WELLS JAHA. Or her actual father, or Bellamy — her canon post-Wells best friend in the series — whom she thinks she left to DIE? And if she can forgive Lexa’s multiple betrayals so quick she should already have forgiven Bellamy and feel like the worst person, to be honest. This season has treated the character of Clarke Griffin poorly and she deserved better.

On that subject, why is Clarke a side character instead of the lead female character? Why is her storyline like post apocalyptic Mommy Dearest? Why is she yet again isolated from her friends and family? EXPLAIN.

Okay now that I’ve gotten the above off my chest we are gonna dive straight into

The ugly:

Phew! I tell ya what, this season has exhausted me mentally and emotionally and not for good reasons.

Clarke won’t remove the flame from Madi because she “promised her” but she will force a shock collar on her and shock her with the voltage that brings a full grown man to the ground? REALLY, YOU GUYS WENT THERE? Are any of you even parents?

The whole storyline that Madi can see and feel Lexa’s memories is a whole other level of ICK! I didn’t think I’d ever have to deal with on this show. There are so many ways the writers could have not “gone there” with this story: never letting Madi have the flame, making sure we understood Madi, a twelve-year-old child, could only see relevant memories of the commanders, etc., but no. Instead, they imply that the former “lover” of her “mom” can consciously “speak” through her and show/tell the child anything. It is disturbing and I cannot believe the writers actually went there and were okay with it. Again, I am shocked that some of these people have children because they are not treated well in this show. And the  parents are usually the worst offenders.

On that note, I’d like to mention Abby’s advice and Clarke LISTENING. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate Abby, and I know she’s always “tried” but she has been for 90% of the show a terrible parent. You would not want to use her as a role model for good parenting, that’s for sure.

It’s not a for sure thing yet, but if that end scene of “saving” Bellamy, Gaia and Indra is Octavia’s “redemption” I am gonna pop a forehead vein. Bellamy and Clarke still get what they did seasons ago thrown in their faces daily. I expect this x 100 for Octavia because she actively chose to do all the hideous things she did. She is not a hero, she is a villain and should be treated as such for the rest of the season. She can get a “redemption” next season if she has to have one.

If you made it through this very critical review I applaud you (and if any of the writers or directors read this, know that I respect your talent; this ranting is because I know what you guys are capable of and it’s so much better than what I’ve see this season).

To end things on a slightly positive note, next week is the season finale! Can you believe it’s already here?! Also can you believe we’ve survived this VERY rocky season? There have definitely been great moment this season, just not enough. But here are the things I’m looking forward to  or hope happen next week:

We finally get to meet Shannon Kook’s character! I’ve been waiting to meet him for months!

Hopefully Bellamy and Clarke reconcile and reconnect, I miss their amazing bond and protectiveness of one another.

Hopefully Kane and Gaia are alive and healing?

After she helps Wonkru, I hope Madi has the flame removed and it gets destroyed, never to be mentioned again.

I hope Diyoza and her baby are A-OK and we will see them next season. Same goes for Shaw, I want him alive and happy being the sweet love Raven Reyes has always deserved.

I want Clarke to mend her relationships with all of her friends and people, to apologize and to accept apologies. I want her to feel loved, I am tired of her always being isolated.

I want Bellamy to feel loved and understood, especially by Clarke and not in a “shippy” way (though I’m all for it). I want her to acknowledge that she left him to die, that she sorely regrets it and that she loves him especially if she can express that kind of sentiment for a computer hard drive and someone she liked for two weeks of her life. Bellamy and Clarke deserve an entire episode to work through their stuff because their relationship is literally the central relationship of the entire series, and to not let them acknowledge what they mean to each other and make amends does the show and the characters a disservice.

I want the season to end with hope! This season in ways has been more depressing and frustrating than Season 3 ever dreamed of being. We need light at the end of the tunnel or Season 6 may have an audience of 17 people. Levity and hope don't take away from drama and angst if executed correctly. If you can’t write both sides into the same space it’s not a problem with your story, it’s a problem with who’s writing it.  

I will have hope that they can and will do better (the characters and the writers) until the end BUT I will still bring the salt when I need to.

I give this episode 3 bees because it had potential, great cinematography, and some great Murphy one liners. But it was overall flat and disappointing.

What were your thoughts of this episode? What are you hoping for in the finale? Comment below!

And tune in to the season finale next week! Our founder Sam will be live tweeting and writing up the finale review!

The 100 airs at 8/7c on The CW.

Gina’s episode rating: 🐝🐝🐝

[yevonscribbles]

To Date a Hopps

In which Judy Hopps enters the dating world and learns a little bit about love.

“I can’t escape this!” Judy Hopps screamed in frustration. “It’s on the radio, every billboard, every website I go to, even my puzzle app had it plastered all over the place!” The grey rabbit slouched in the driver seat of the police cruiser she was currently patrolling in. Her partner, Nick Wilde, gave her a concerned side eye and muttered under his breath before return to his own phone. The pair was taking their morning break in Sahara Square before going back to patrol duties. With an angry huff, the rabbit glared at her fox partner. ‘What did you say Wilde…” A hint of malice leaking through her normally cheery voice.

Nick once again looked up from his phone and met his partner’s eyes. “Fluff you need to calm down. So what if your undateable. Not everyone can- OUCH!” Judy punched his shoulder much harder than usual and the fox tried to rub away the stinging pain. “Real lady-like Carrots… Look, if being single is bothering you that much, why not let me find you a date again?”

“You mean like when you tried to hook me up with Fennick?” Judy began to angrily tap away at her phone. Nick meant well and thought the fennec fox and rabbit would hit it off well. The pair was having a wonderful night until the tiny fox excused himself to the bathroom and never returned, leaving Judy with the bill and Nick with a few bruises after the rabbit got her revenge on the officer.

“How was I supposed to know he was going to dine and dash! He still won’t return my texts by the way.” Nick said with a droop of his ears.

“I know, it’s just...ugh. I stuck at dates… Cheese and Crackers! You and Gid are engaged and I can’t even get a second date!” Her foxy friends had proposed to each other over the Christmas holiday and Judy was still excited about it. While the pair was still trying to pick out a date, Judy had made a vow that she would find a partner before the ceremony or die trying.

“Well, why do you suck at them?” Nick tried to turn the conversation in a productive direction. “Do you talk too much? Do you get nervous?”

“No… I just don’t feel a connection with the other mammal.” The rabbit let out another sign. “Like I can find someone attractive but I don’t feel a personal connection ya’know?”

“Can’t really tell ya Fluff.  I didn’t really date much until Gid.” The fox said with a shrug. “How about talking with some of our co workers?  Maybe you need a female insight?” Nick offered.

Judy took a quick stretch before buckling herself into her seat. With a flick of her wrist she started the cruiser up and prepared to start working again. “Maybe Francine can help…” Judy said with a grumble.

The rest of the day passed without much action; a speeding ticket or two and one false alarm. The rabbit and fox made their way back to the ZPD central station after the emotionally productive day. The working pair said their goodbyes with a hug as Judy made her way to the female showers. After changing, the rabbit lucked into finding Francine before she left for the day. The rabbit flagged down the large elephant and Francine looked around to find the source of the noise.

“Hey! Francine!  Hey! Down here!” Judy finally got the elephant to look down. The large mammal had always treated Judy with kindness and was known as the “officer mom,” to all the mammals at the ZPD.

“Well hello Judy! Sorry, it took me awhile to see where you were talking from! What can I do for you?” Francine said with a large smile.

“Your fine Francine. I actually had a question, erm, about dating.” Judy tried to remain calm but dating had become a touchy subject for the rabbit as of late. With a worried look the elephant leaned down to meet Judy at eye level. With a serious, dry tone, the elephant put the end of her trunk on the rabbit’s shoulder and said.

“Judy...Did you finally ask out Nick?”

The rabbit felt crimson come to her cheeks as she tried to stifle a laugh. Judy began to wave her paw. “Oh no! Oh no no no! He is already engaged and gay-” Judy threw her paws in front of her mouth. Nick had been very clear to leave his engagement private and had yet to come out to his co-workers. The elephant looked relieved then the realization that she had learned the foxes secret crept its way across her face. Standing up to her full size, the elephant placed her massive hooves on her hips with a satisfied smile. “Oh cheese and crackers! Please do not tell anyone! Not a soul or Nick will kill me!” Judy begged.

“Alright, alright, bunny! I won’t pry into the foxes personal life even though it would be a great time for some payback on the sneaky thing... But why do you want to know about dating?” The elephant asked. “Didn’t you bunnies write the book on dating?”

“Har har! Actually, while most rabbits do tend to date a lot, I had other goals and kinda skipped dating in high school.” Judy explained. “I have had a few dates since moving to the city, but they all end...horribly…” The rabbit admitted with a droop of her ears.

“Oh please they can’t have been that bad.” Francine laughed. “It’s not like they left you at the restaurant to pick up the bill-” The elephant officer saw the sad look from the rabbit… “Oh...Oh no honey!” Once again the towering elephant placed her trunk on her co worker. “I am so sorry Judy…”

Fighting away a few tears and horrible memories, Judy lightly patted her friend’s trunk. “It’s ok. I wanted to ask where did you meet your boyfriend? Didn’t you just meet a few weeks ago?”

The elephant gave a large smile. “I meet him online actually! There is a few apps out there but I found Paws to be the best one. Here, come with me to get some dinner and we can get you set up with an account!” Judy hesitated for a moment. She had heard of online dating but had yet to try it. “You don’t ever have to go on a date if you don’t feel comfortable Judy…” Francine added with a smile.

Judy looked up to her friend with a weak smile. “Fine..Why not?” The odd pair of an elephant and a rabbit left the ZPD on a mission.

A few nights later, Judy was busy texting on her phone while perched on Nick’s couch. Gideon was in town and the trio had decided on pizza and movies. The baker fox had been in the Meadowlands working on his first bakery in the area that was scheduled to open early in the new year. Judy looked up from her phone to see that the fox pair was curiously missing from the living room. She rolled her eyes and called out. “At least wait until I leave you horny teenage boys!”

The pair of foxes came into the room looking a little ruffled around the edges. Each fox had a silly grin on their face. Nick could keep his composure but Gideon had a horrible poker face. His cheeks were a deep red, embarrassed that he was caught.

“You two are horrible!” Judy said with a laugh. The rabbit heard a small ding come from her phone and she turned back to her phone to check the message she had received from the Paws dating app. She quickly began to reply to the message and was absorbed in her phone. The baker fox gave his partner a confused look.

“Our favorite rabbit was convinced to give online dating a go.” Nick explained. “She has been texting this ‘Earl’-”

“Edward.” Judy corrected without looking up from her phone.

“Edward...Along with about thirty different mammals.” The fox officer grinned. “At this rate she’s gonna get free dinners for life!” Nick and Gideon shared a laugh at the rabbit’s expense much to her dismay.

“Ah could never get any good matches on those things.” Gideon said. “Granted the gay apps tend to be known for other purposes.” The officer fox gave his fiance a grin and wiggled his eyebrows. “Hey! Ah am a hopeless romantic! Ah wanted to wait till ah knew I met the one.” The baker gave Nick a kiss.

“Oh really? And here I thought you were a pro in bed.” Nick teased. “The way you-”

“La La La don’t need to know!” Judy called from over her phone. The pair of foxes let out another laugh. “Oh…”

“Oh? What kind of oh?” Nick asked the rabbit.

“I just got asked out for drinks tomorrow…” The rabbit officer said, hesitating.

 “Say yes!” The foxes said in unison.

“Wha!? But I don’t know him very well…” Judy protested.

“Drink’s is how ya get to know someone Fluff!” Gideon said, causing the rabbit to give him a glare. “Ah..ahm sorry for the nickname...maybe Nick is a bad influence…”

“You shut your mouth Pumpkin! I am a model citizen...now…” The fox officer threw his paws in the air. “But we are getting off topic. Judy, what do you know about this mammal who asked you out!?”

“Umm, he is a raccoon, he lives down in the Rainforest District, he is a waiter and bartender at a few different restaurants around town, and he is a big Gazelle fan…” Judy found herself blushing a little. They had started messaging each other a few days ago and since then, he had sent a cute good morning message daily. Nick noticed the rabbit growing redder and decided to call her out on it.

“Spill it sister, how big is it.” Both Gideon and Judy gave the slender fox a punch in his shoulder. “Ow, HEY!”

“Yer horrible Mr. Wilde.” The baker said rolling his eyes.

“You love me Mr. Grey! But back to the topic, what are you so worried about Carrots?” Nick asked his friend.

“Fine! I will say yes!” Judy said and threw up her paws in frustration.

*****

“WHY DID I SAY YES!?!?” Judy yelled in her head. The grey rabbit waited outside of a decent looking restaurant waiting for her date to arrive. She wore a shimmering lavender cocktail dress that had served as a bridesmaid outfit for one of the up-teen weddings she had attended for her family. A pair of modest matching high heels completed the outfit. At Nick’s insistence, she wore a little make-up and rhinestone earrings which gave her a female elegance far from the ruff and tumble tom-boy look the rabbit usually wore. Gideon had even given her some extra cash.

“Ah heard about last time…” The baker said with some concern. “It’s not bad to have a plan ‘B’ and ya call if anything happens.” Judy smiled at how protective Gideon had become. With a sigh, she checked her wristwatch and saw her date was a few minute late. A feeling of dread washed over the rabbit. Maybe Edward had decided the rabbit was too much. Maybe he was hurt or worse… The rabbit closed her eyes and began to tap her foot in both worry and frustration.

“Umm, Judy Hopps right?” A warm voice asked from behind the rabbit.

The officer snapped back into the present and turned to the voice. “Oh, yes that’s me! And your Edward Rumpke right?”

“Yes Ma’am, erm, yes that's me.” The raccoon offered his paw to the rabbit and she took it with a friendly shake. The male was about the same size as Judy with a healthy amount of chub around his cheeks and torso. He had the distinctive black mask of his species and wore a tan newsie hat that covered his top fur. His deep blue eyes were as warm and welcoming as his voice. Edward wore a button down white shirt with black pants and suspenders. “I apologies for my delay, I had to clean up a few extra tables before I clocked out.”

“Oh, you work here?” Judy said with some confusion, she had assumed they were going to dine there. The raccoon placed his paw on his chin and gave the rabbit a confused look.

“Wait… Seeing you in person...I know you from somewhere.” Judy felt her ears droop. One of her biggest fears was people recognizing her as the rabbit that almost ruined all of Zootopia. While raccoons were technically predators, they could also survive off veggies and protein supplements. ‘He was probably persecuted during the Night Howler scare…’ The rabbit thought. ‘Welp might as well address it and go from there.’

“Yeah I am that bunny cop that-” Judy began.

“Your that rabbit that got dined and ditched a few weeks ago!” Edward said clapping his paws together. Judy looked at the raccoon with a mixture of shock and worry. The rabbit spun her head to look at the name of the restaurant. Sure enough, this is where Fennick had left the rabbit with the bill.

“Sweet cheese and crackers, kill me now…” Judy hissed covering her face with her paw.

“Oh no! I am so sorry!” Edward put his paw on his dates shoulder. “I shouldn’t have said anything! Everyone felt so bad. Here.” The raccoon offered his arm to the rabbit. “Let me try again. I know a small jazz bar down the block. I thought we could enjoy some hors d'oeuvres and a live band.” The raccoon gave a weak smile. “Only if you want to… Sorry, my mouth can be faster than my brain sometimes and I say stupid things.”

Judy giggled to herself and wrapped her paw around the raccoon’s arm. “I know a thing or two about that…” The pair began to make their way to the jazz bar making small talk along the way.

*****

“She’s late…” Nick paced across the living room. Judy had been due home around ten thirty and the clock currently read eleven. Gideon sat on the couch and twiddled his fingers. He was just as worried as his partner. The baker had decided to call the cops once it turned eleven thirty. A small jingle of keys and the slow opening of the door caused both foxes to whip their heads towards the door. The rabbit walked in holding her shoes in her paw. She was smiling and still blushing around the cheeks, equally parts happy and tipsy.

“Judy Hopps! You are grounded!” Nick scolded crossing his paws. He began to tap his foot on the ground much like his rabbit partner did when she got upset.

“Nick, she is not yer daughter.” Gideon said. ‘With that, why didn’t ya text us! Ah was about to call the cops!”

“Cheese and crackers you two…” Judy placed her shoes on the ground and flopped on the couch. She carefully removed her ear rings and placed them on the table. “Have you been taking lessons from my parents? I am sorry I didn’t text but I was dancing and having fun.” The rabbit stretched and hoped the foxes would let her get some sleep. When the foxes didn’t move from their spots, Judy gave a sigh of defeat. “You each get one question then we all need to get some rest.”

“Me first!” Gideon called dibs. “What was the guy like? Did he treat ya well? Did ya kiss?” The fox leaned forward in his chair as his tail took a few quick wags. He was obviously excited for his friend and any gossip he could get.

“That is three questions Gid.” Judy laughed. “Edward is really cute; his last name is Rumpke and he works at a few dining establishments in town. Oh! He also does lighting work at some theaters over in Tundra Town. He insisted on paying and we had a few bites at a jazz club in the City Center. We drank some wine and he convinced me to dance a little. Ed took a Zoober with me then walked me to your building. He asked if he could kiss me…” Judy felt her already warm face turn a bright crimson. “And it was great! I didn’t know date’s could actually be fun!”

Nick continued to cross his arms. ‘I hope you know I am looking into this guy’s criminal history at work tomorrow…”

“Oh, please! Nick you do not get to judge anyone on criminal activity, Mr. Tax Evasion!” Judy huffed. Her phone pinged in her bag. The rabbit fished out the device and read the new text message aloud. “Thank you for a wonderful night Judy. When can we do it again? With a winky face!” Judy smiled at her phone.

“That winky face is highly suspicious Carrots…” Nick said.

“Love; shush. Let Judy be excited.” Gideon said getting up from the couch. “Now come on Nick, it’s bedtime.” The baker let out a yawn and gave his fiance a nuzzle.

“Wait I still get to ask my question!” Nick huffed. “Judy, and I am being serious, can you trust this guy?”

The rabbit noticed the worry in her work partner’s voice. “As of right now, yes. He has given me no reason to suspect otherwise. If I get a bad feeling, trust me. You boys will be the first to know. Now, go! Let me get some sleep too.” Judy said.

After saying their good nights, the fox pair made their way to their bed. Gideon wrapped his arm around the slender form of his partner and could tell something was wrong. “Nick? Are you still worried about Judy?”

Nick sighed and pulled his partner’s arm closer. ‘I know everyone in this city and I have never heard of an Edward Rumpke… Either he just moved to town or there is a reason I don’t know him…” Gideon kissed the side of Nick’s cheek.

“Fer now, love, lets get some sleep. If we need to help Judy we will. Goodnight my love.”

“Goodnight Pumpkin…”

*****

 A few weeks had gone by, and Judy Hopps and Edward Rumpke had go out every few nights for either drinks, dinner, and even one play that Edward had insisted taking the rabbit to. The officer was happy how the relationship was moving forward and had asked the raccoon to be her boyfriend. Edward had seemed to be happy about the request but had since not returned any of Judy’s text or picked up any of her phone calls. It had been about a week since their last date and the rabbit had taken a personal day to hide from the world, convinced that the raccoon was avoiding her or worse.

When word got out that Judy Hopps was taking a personal day, the entire ZPD was buzzing with rumors and gossip. The rabbit had never taken a day for herself. At one point, she even had to be handcuffed to her bed to make her rest when she was sick. Many mammals wanted to ask her partner Nick, but whenever the subject came up the fox would grown noticeably angry and his tail with start trashing in annoyance.

Chief Bogo had enough on his plate without his officer’s acting like a bunch of school children. Thankfully, a package had been left for Judy at the station so the police chief had the perfect excuse to send someone to check on her without seeming like he was overly worried about the rabbit. If Bogo was honest with himself, he would admit that Judy Hopps had made herself irreplaceable on the force and without her his staff was getting a little out of hand. To deliver the package and get accurate information about his employee the chief sent the best mammal for the job.

A knock on the door of her small apartment caused the rabbit to look up. Her eyes hurt and her body felt weak. She tried to ignore the door as another knock echoed through the one room apartment. A soft voice spoke up from behind the door.

“Officer Hopps...Judy...Hey hon, its Clawhauser...Come open the door ok?” Judy grumbled to herself as the chubby cheetah receptionist of the ZPD knocked again. He had been her first friend at the ZPD and in the years since, he had been a vital co worker for the rabbit. “Judy...don’t make me break open the door...come on! I have ice cream and a package that was sent to your desk at work.” The door flung open to reveal a very disheveled rabbit with a mad look in her eyes. Ben had seen some horrible things in his time as an officer of the law, but the wild look in his friend’s eyes had the cheetah contemplate calling for backup.

“What do you mean I had a package sent to my desk?” Judy demanded. Ben offered the small wrapped box and a pint of ice cream to the enraged rabbit. She took both items and marched back to her bed. With some hesitation, the chubby cheetah followed into the small apartment. The officer threw open the blinds to the one window and started to pick up the random trash that had gathered in the small space.

“Lordy Judy! What did this boy do to you?” Ben asked as he took a seat across from the bed and began to eat his own ice cream. “Don’t worry, we already ran the box through an x-ray machine. It's not a bomb.” The cheetah said with a smile. The box in question was about the size of a tissue box and was wrapped in brown paper.

Judy had been staring at the box and with the added light pouring from the blinds she could see and scrawled handwriting on the wrapping that said ‘To, Judy’. She thought about destroying the box and refusing to check its contents but decided against it. Carefully, she undid the paper and removed the tape to reveal a broken phone and a handwritten letter. The rabbit quickly read the letter as Ben reached over and took a closer look at the phone.

“Wow this thing is shot! Looks like it landed on this edge and just shattered. There is no way to fix that…” The cheetah may just work at the desk but he still had a good head on his wide spotted shoulders. Judy gave a quick glance to the broken device and recognized it as the same brand Edward had. She began to read the letter to herself before Ben made a loud coughing sound. He obviously wanted Judy to read the letter aloud. With a roll of her eyes, Judy began to read the letter so the cheetah could here.

“Dear Judy,

I am so sorry I have been out of contact this week. I know it sounds like a cheap excuse but my phone really did break and I couldn’t afford a new one just yet. I was hoping to have a new one in a few days but so many things are going wrong. Everything is going wrong. I wanted to send a letter to you but your address was in my phone. I didn’t memorize your number so I couldn’t call, and I have been so nervous to speak to you. Probably why I dropped my phone working in the scaffolding during a show. I have not been completely honest with you and if you still want to date me, you need to know the whole truth. Please, come to my apartment anytime you want. I am off the next few days and will stay at home on the off chance you stop by. My address is 1776 Hamilton Drive Apartment 14. Just ring the bell.

Yours,

Edward.”

Judy exchanged a look with her co worker. She felt some tears welling in her eyes and quickly wiped them away before the cheetah could see them. So the raccoon had something he had to tell the rabbit and had destroyed his phone by accident. That would explain why he hasn’t been texting back or why she could never get him to pick up the phone. It also explains why he delivered the box to her work, he knew the rabbit would get it. After a moment, Ben broke the silence.

“What do you say Judy? Do we believe the letter?” The cheetah had long finished his own ice cream and began to eat the one intended for Judy.

“I’m not sure...where you there when the package was delivered?” Judy asked, holding her paw to her chin, her nose twitching.

“Yeah! The guy was a raccoon. He looked like he hadn’t slept in a few days. He kept apologising for the hassle and asked about you. As usual, if we don’t know the mammal we don’t tell them where our officers are. Then he left the box for you. To be on the safe side we ran a few test to make sure it wasn’t a hazard. Does that sound like our little heart breaker?” Ben asked with a swish of his tail. Nothing got the cheetah more excited than gossip.

“His name is Edward Rumpke and yeah he is a raccoon. About my height with super soft fur. Did he dress like a dork?” Judy asked with a laugh, the first time she had laughed in a few days.

“Ummm…. he had suspenders so I think dork works.” The cheetah had pulled out his phone and started updating the other officers that Hopps was going to be ok. He resisted the urge to spread rumors...for now. “Hon, I think this is legit. If you actually care about this guy you need to head to his address and find out what he wants to say.” Ben then held up a large paw. “But you take backup or some self defence. He may not seem like a crazy but better safe than sorry.”

With a hug, Judy Hopps waved her friend goodbye and took a warm shower to shake off the lingering doubt she had been feeling. Was this all just a misunderstanding or something more?

Back at the ZPD, Nick had taken a much needed coffee break and was heading back to his desk when his phone lit up. Ben Clawhauser had sent a ZPD wide message letting everyone know that Judy would be ok and it was just relationship drama. The fox cursed under his breath. He went back to his cubicle and once again searched for ‘Edward Rumpke’ to see if any files had been saved for the mammal. Other than a three year old speeding ticket that was paid the raccoon had a clear record. What concerned the fox was before five years ago the mammal didn’t exist. Going back through a few graduating classes of local high schools the fox officer could not find where the mammal came from. At Nightwood High, located in the Rainforest District there, was a raccoon mentioned under E. Rumpke but that one…

“Ohhhhhhhh.” Nick could feel the light bulb click on in his head. He had found his mammal. Now the fox had a decision to make. Does he tell his work partner or let Edward do it himself. The fox took out his phone and sent a quick message to his boyfriend. ‘I think I found out why Edward ghosted on Judy, please call later. Love you.’ The fox went back to actually doing his work and secretly hoped everything would work out.

*****

Judy found herself in front of a large two story brick apartment building that seemed to have been built in the 1970’s. Wood decorations and simplistic geometric shapes created an inviting warm feeling that reminded the officer of an old sitcom. To the right of the door, a panel with a printed list of apartments was displayed with corresponding buttons. An old intercom rested on top of the panel. Finding the right apartment, the rabbit gently pressed the button next to the number and waited.

“Ye-yes?” A tired voice came from the intercom.

“Ed...Is that you?” Judy asked with some hesitance.

“Judy? You came?!” The rabbit could hear excitement in the voice. “Here come on in, take the stairs and I will meet you there.” With a buzz, Judy heard the lock open and went through the door. She made her way up the stairs located near the door as a million thoughts rushed through her head. The rabbit had decided to take part of the advice Ben had offered. She had the fox spray given by her father in her pocket. In her heart, she didn’t think she would need to take action, but it always paid to be safer than sorry.

At the top of the stairs, Edward stood looking a little worse for wear. Judy noticed that the raccoon had bags under his eyes. He offered a wave but from his body language he desperately wanted to hug the rabbit. With an awkward smile, he motioned for the rabbit to follow him and began. “Thank you for coming…” He pushed open a door and jesured for Judy to enter the apartment. “Please excuse the mess...It’s been a week…” Judy found herself in a living room and kitchen combination. A few dishes were piled up next to the sink and clothes littered the floor. A futon and a couch formed an ‘L’ shape and faced a moderately-sized TV. Judy could see other rooms off to the right but chose to sit on the futon and make direct eye contact with the raccoon.

“Alright Ed, what is going on? If this is some trick or prank I am not laughing! You went to a lot of trouble just to get a laugh?” Judy said. Her eyes furrowing at Edward. He made his way to the futon and sat on the other side leaving a space between the mammals. With a sigh he began.

“I have really enjoyed going out with you. But there is something you have to know about me. And about the time I get enough courage to tell you I dropped my phone while climbing the lights for a show. Scared the crap out of the actress that was on stage.” The raccoon added with a laugh. Judy didn’t budge and continued to glare at the male. “Anyway I didn’t have enough money to buy a new phone just yet. So I figured I would just call you...until I realized I didn’t have you number. It was in my phone...that was destroyed...I figured I would just send a letter...until I realized your address was on the phone as well. I spent a few days trying to find you out and about before work but that didn’t go well.” The raccoon let out a labored sigh. “And here we are; a very sorry raccoon who feels that he let down the girl he cares about and who he wanted to be honest with.”

Judy turned away from the raccoon and processed the story she was just told. It made sense and would explain how rough the raccoon looked. She reach a paw over and once again looked into the eyes of the man she was starting to fall for. “Alright. I believe you, but I am not forgiving you until you tell me what has you so worked up. What has you so nervous you broke your phone and went to all this trouble just to talk to me?”

Edward stoop up and faced Judy. With a gulp he tried to find the words he wanted to say. Sensing his difficulty, the rabbit took his paw and gave him a warm smile. Finally, Edward spoke. “I...wasn’t always Edward.” The raccoon paused, waiting for the rabbit to catch on to what he was trying to say. “As a kit my family called me Elissa and thought I was a happy little girl in fluffy dresses and-“Judy place a digit in front of the raccoon’s mussel. She gave a soft sigh and smiled.

“I understand what you mean Edward. I have about twelve siblings that are transgender. That doesn’t change who you are. Nor does it change how I feel about you...” Judy admitted as she wrapped her arms around the raccoon. He returned the hug and felt tears start to fall from his face. Judy let him cry on her shoulders as he held her tight. It was obvious just how anxious Ed had been about coming out to the officer. Eventually, he caught his breath and pulled away from the rabbit. She smiled up at him. “Is there anything else you would like me to know?” Judy asked rubbing the raccoon’s shoulders. Sure, she had not expected to be falling in love with a trans man, much less a predator, but she felt oddly calm about the revelation.

“Not really… I legally changed my name five years ago. And two years ago, I had saved enough to finally get top surgery.” Edward said wiping the last few tears from his face. “I’m not the biggest fan of the scars the surgery left though...They tend to remind me of who I was and not who I am.” The raccoon continued to hold the officer close as an idea came to his mind. “May I show you them? The scars I mean?” Judy gave the raccoon a confused look. “I mean, if were bearing it all might as well lay it all on the table so to speak.” Edward could feel his cheeks getting warmer as a blush formed around his muzzle. Secretly he wondered if the rabbit would be grossed out or confused, so maybe being up front would be the best option.

“If you want too...I would be lying if I said I have been wanting to see you without a shirt for awhile” Judy said with a blush of her own. ‘Good answer,’ the raccoon thought to himself.

Edward hesitated a bit then slowly removed his shirt revealing a soft cream-colored belly of fur. Judy couldn’t see anything different between the mammal in front of her and a typical raccoon. The now shirtless raccoon held out his paw. “May I have your paw?” With a nod Judy let Edward guide her had to his chest. At first, she could just feel the soft fur she had been dying to touch over her time with the raccoon then she felt a slight bump. Moving her hand, Judy felt the other side of the raccoon’s chest and found another raised bump. Two c-shaped scars were hidden under the cream colored fur of Edward’s chest. The rabbit locked eyes with the raccoon as the pair shared the intimacy of the moment. Judy took her paw from his chest a moved it to his cheek.

“Let me see your paw…” Judy said. The raccoon was a bit confused but willing offered his right paw which Judy moved to her left cheek. After a moment Edward’s eyes grew as he tenderly rubbed his thumb across three raised lines hidden by a layer of grey fur on the rabbit. “When I was a kit I was clawed by a fox… But I don’t let these scars define me. Now, that same fox is a very dear friend whom I care about.” Judy felt a smile spread across her face. “If I had only focused on the past and what those scars meant, I would never have become who I am today. Scar’s don’t define us Edward, they remind us of the road we have taken to the present. I hope one day your scars remind you of how far you’ve come and not of where you have been.” Judy opened her arms wide offering the raccoon a hug.

Edward wrapped his arms around the rabbit and they both let loose the fear and tension they had been holding on to for the past week. “I am so sorry Judy. I should have told you sooner…But I couldn’t figure out the right time or the right words to say...I was really scared you wouldn’t-” The raccoon began to feel tears welling in his eyes..

“You told me when it was right. But you better be more scared of what I will do to you if you break your phone and don’t talk to me for a week again!  You hear me?” Judy threatened. The unlikely pair shared a warm laugh. Breaking the hug, the rabbit looked into the eyes of the man she was falling for. “May I give you a kiss Ed?” The raccoon smiled and kissed the girl of his dreams like it was the last thing he would ever do. After a few moments, the pair broke apart from each other. With a wiggle of his eyebrows, Edward gave the rabbit a mischievous grin.

“So to answer your question from about a week ago; yes I would like to be your boyfriend if you would let me.” Edward said. “As with that said; would you like to spend the night here with me so I can start begging for my life for making the last week so stressful on you?”

Judy smiled at her now boyfriend. “I think I would like that very much, but first I need to send a few text messages to let a certain few foxes that I am ok.” The rabbit once again rubbed her paws across the raccoons chest marveling just how soft his fur was. “If I don’t, we might have a SWAT team busting through your door and they might find us in a...compromising situation.” A sly grin spreading across her muzzle.

“Why Judy Hopps, what ever could you be implying?” The raccoon responded with a grin of his own.

*****

Nick Wilde had volunteered to work a few hours in the morning. With his boyfriend out of town and Judy having an interesting week, the fox thought an extra few hours of distractions and some extra pay wouldn’t hurt. After a few hours of paperwork, the fox had changed into his street clothes and was making idle chit-chat with Ben Clawhauser and two of the wolf officers that had recently joined the force. Finally, the familiar form of Judy Hopps came bounding through the main entrance. Nick noticed a certain scent coming off his female companion.

 “Well hello Miss Hopps. I like your new perfume.” Nick teased with a wicked grin. The wolf’s began to snicker. Judy gave the gathered mammals a confused look. With a roll of his eyes, the fox pulled a small bottle from his pocket and tossed it the rabbit.

“What’s this for Nick?” Judy asked catching the small bottle. “Scent-B-Gone?” The wolves began to howl with laughter. Ben even joined in with the laughter at the rabbits expense. The fox placed an arm around the rabbit and in his best fake whisper decided to teach his partner an important life lesson.

“Oh Carrots, what am I to do with you? Mammals like our fine wolf officers and to a lesser extent foxes like me can pick up on certain scents that come with certain...deeds… If you catch my meaning.” The rabbit’s grey muzzle had turned a deep red hue. She quickly took the bottle and began to spray its contents over her body. “There, that's better.” Nick said coyly.

The rabbit gave the bottle back to her partner and mumbled. “Thank you…”

“Now lay off her Nick, it wasn’t that long ago we caught you smelling differently as well.” One of the wolves added.

“And that's why I asked you two to join me waiting for our co-worker, so she would only be embarrassed by us and not the entire ZPD and half of Zootopia.” The fox gave a quick wave to his fellow officers and walked with Judy out of the ZPD and back into the busy city.

As the pair walked, Judy remained silent while her nose twitched in frustration. With a sigh, the fox decided to let the rabbit knew what he had found about her boyfriend. “You don’t have to worry, I know all about Edward. And judging from your smell earlier you do too.”

Judy stopped in her tracks and gave her friend a worried look. “How did you? Never mind...you probably used ZPD resources which is totally not cool Nick.” Judy scolded.

“He made you cry! I had every right to do some digging.” Nick protested.

“So why didn’t you tell me?” Judy asked.

“Because it wasn't my story to tell Fluff. And as long has he had a good reason for not communicating with you for a week, I don’t need to make his life a living hell…” Nick said.

“Well, hopefully it won’t come to that.” Judy laughed. “Would you be opposed to meeting him right now for lunch?”

“Well, if he is gonna be dating you he better get used to the foxes in your life.” The fox said with a toothy grin. “Besides, next year at Pride you’ll have someone else to drag around all day.”

“You know you love me.” Judy smiled.

“Yes, yes I do.” Nick said giving his partner a one-armed hug.

***********************

Whew this was a long one! I have actually spent the longest on this one work than any other. I hope you enjoy the original character that was made for our favorite Judy Hopps to date while her favorite foxes are engaged. Big shout out to my friend/ adoptive brother Sam for helping me write the coming out scene and to my editor for helping my writing work! Thank you for all the love!

[mr-mormons-adventures]

Week 6 Update!

Hello again everyone! Get ready because this week I actually have my journal with me so I can actually make this a longer e-mail. It'll be a lot nicer than my usual, "I love it out here but I can't remember what we actually did so see ya!" emails. Let us begin! Monday Afternoon: After I sent out my e-mails last week, my companion and I went down to the Gateway Arch! It wasn't too long of a drive, about 30 minutes. We found parking pretty quickly, and cheap parking at that. Then we walked for about 15 minutes down to the old courthouse where they sell the tickets for entry. They warned us there that since it was such a windy day that the top of the Arch would be swaying upwards of 20 feet back and forth. I told them I'd be fine with that, but I kinda wasn't. When we got to the top, it actually was kind of fun. We didn't really feel like we were moving too far, and when it did it just kind of felt like we were on a ship or something. It was funny watching everyone deal with it differently though. Some people waited until it wasn't moving to move, others just sprinted until they were holding on to a wall and stayed there the whole time. I moved around a bit when I got more comfortable with it, and took quite a few pictures. Once we finished with that, we dropped off a dinner for a family who was having a stressful week. They had an upcoming court date on Thursday that they were worried about, so we gave them a dinner so that they wouldn't have to worry about at least one thing that week. Tuesday: Tuesday mornings we go over to an investigator's apartment and read scriptures with him. He's not a member yet, but he would like to be one. The only thing is that he is waiting on citizenship so that he doesn't have to worry about being sent home. He's incredibly strong in his faith though, and reading with him really helped me love him and his testimony. That afternoon we spent a lot of time tracting. The first few houses were empty, or they didn't want to talk to us, but one man in particular did. But he didn't want to talk about our religion, or his, but instead he wanted to talk about all the crazy conspiracy theories he believed in. I get that to some people, religion may as well be a conspiracy theory. But at least religion has some logic to it all. His theories had no basis in logic whatsoever. Among his crazy ideas were 1.) that beneath Antartica is five layers of civilization, who are more advanced than us and have laser guns and flying saucers, 2.) that George W. Bush and Dick Cheney performed satanic rituals where they consumed flesh of orphans to stay alive and in power, 3.) that we've had anti-gravity technology since 1944 and that was the only way we were able to go to the moon (at least he believes in the moon landing), 4.) that when we tried to invent stealth jets we instead accidentally invented time travel, and finally 5.) that Trump has a heart of gold and raided the CIA headquarters secretly so that we can all know about this and that it will all be made public. Yeah. Wednesday: Got up late because I wasn't feeling too good. Still not feeling good, but whatever. It all started then. Had a district meeting where we talked with the other district about combining for a skit during Christmas Zone Conference. We came up with an idea called "12 Days of Trunky". Expect a video of it next week, as Zone Conference is on the 13th. That night, we gave blessings to the parents of that family with the court date. It was such an amazing spiritual experience, and only the second blessing I've ever given. Elder Rowley gave the blessing to the wife and I gave a blessing to the husband. While we gave it, I was prompted to tell him that his mom was proud of him for the way he served his family and supported them. It was so amazing to be the one to be the Lord's conduit for the blessing. I can't wait to give more blessings. Thursday: Thursdays are our service days. We spend the whole morning at the local food pantry on the day that they give the food to those who need it. We stand where they tell us to and hand out the food to those that need it. It's such a neat experience to see all these people and to know that even though they might not be at their best both physically and emotionally, that God still loves them and cares for them. In the afternoon while we were tracting, we got a text from an investigator that had been promising and we had plans to invite to baptism. Her text said that she was grateful for all that we had taught her but that she was done learning from us and didn't want to talk to us anymore. We were heartbroken. We loved teaching her and showing her the amazing things about this Gospel. It was so sad to hear that she didn't want to be a part of it anymore.   We got back to our apartment, and our dinner appointment that night was a member ordering pizza for us. Right as the pizza, salad, and dessert got to our apartment, we got a call from the family who had the court date that day. They told us that it couldn't have gone better. They kept full custody and even made amends with their father who hadn't talked to them in years! We were so happy to hear that, and loved talking with them about their increased faith from that experience. Friday: My headache, stuffy nose, and just general soreness caught up with me that morning and we got up late again. Once I got moving though it was better. We spent the morning preparing for a lesson with a Lutheran couple who is trying to convert us, funnily enough. We were worried about it turning into a bible bash session. Instead, we had a great conversation about our belief in the Godhead vs. their belief in the Trinity. It was awesome. We also had a follow up training meeting where I got to see everyone that came out to the field with me. It was a good meeting, but it was also really nice to be able to see everyone again and see how they were doing. Saturday: Got up on time on Saturday! We even went down to the small gym room in our apartment complex's main building. We're planning to do that more often, and hopefully I can eventually start losing more weight. Not really a fan of being only like 5'5" and 188lbs. Had lunch with the dad of the family who has us over on Sundays. He took us out to a nicer place and we had a big lunch that he was gracious enough to pay for. We talked about how our work was going and who we were excited for. Then we spent the afternoon tracting. Didn't find anyone new to teach, but had some interesting conversations with people on their doorsteps. Sunday: It's always nice to finish out a week with church. Kinda puts a cap on all the week's spiritual experiences and gives us a bit to relax and to talk with members. We also had the family from earlier this week come to church with us, and even though they only stayed for sacrament meeting, they loved it and said they'd be back. Had lunch again with that family. They were planning on giving out a ton of snacks and banana bread and a ton of other goodies to various families in the ward and we left there with more food then we ate for lunch. Anyway that was my week. Bit of a longer e-mail when I actually remember stuff huh? Hopefully I can start to do this weekly so that you all can hear about my amazing adventures more often and in more detail. Until next week!

Elder Brown

[lovelykiheon]

Monsta X Beautiful Tour Hi-Touch & Photo Op Experience 170721

This story is LONG overdue, I know. BUT, this was one of the best experiences of my life and i’m still suffering from post concert depression 2 months later. Warning: This might come out to be very detailed, but it’s only because I want you all to know how I felt (feel). I’m also going to be brutally honest about some things that i’ve noticed/experienced.

The final stage had ended. I was in awe as I watched the six out of seven men, (Hyungwon was injured) who completely consume my life, waving as they exited off the stage. There was a rumble of conversations throughout the audience as the curtains shut. Boys and girls of all ages, including myself, in the P1 and P2 sections began to pull out their mirrors, compacts and brushes to fix themselves up before receiving further instruction. I fanned myself to rid myself of any sweat droplets on my skin and in my hair. My sister assisted our new friend, that we made in line outside prior to the concert, as she got ready. It was then that over my right shoulder a man began to belt out instructions for us to make a single-filed line and to follow him. This was it. This was the moment that my heart began to race because I was about meet, and even touch, the idols that I admire so much. Before continuing the line stopped before anyone went through the doors the security guard stood in front of. I assumed that the boys were still getting prepared. 

The line began to move once again. I was anxious because aside from meeting them, I wanted to record the hi-touch as well, but I was nervous if security would catch me doing so. I got closer and closer to the door. As soon as I entered the room, there they were. I had to act fast, so I took my chances. I pressed record on my phone and placed it in my front right pants pocket; facing the members. 

My first impression of all the members was that they are all normally sized! I know that when we see pictures of them they either look a bit chubby, way too skinny, very tall/short, some facial features being too big/small, but that was not the case. I’m 5′5″ or 167cm tall and all of them were taller than me! (yes, even kihyun!) I will get more into specifics on each individual.

The first one to greet me was Kihyun. He wasn’t as skinny as he looked in pictures at the time. I’m happy that he’s gaining weight back though. Now, I initially planned on telling Kihyun how beautiful and angelic his voice is, and im sure he hears it all the time, but once I got face to face with the man.. I blanked. He gave me the largest and sweetest smile as he leaned across the table to get closer. I randomly belted out “I love you, Kihyun!”  He responded with a chuckle and “I love you too!” 

I moved onto Wonho. He was also averagely sized, but he was definitely bulky. Somewhat similar to his photos. I understand that they just performed for two hours, so that is probably why he seemed very mellow. I said hello to him and he just gave me a smile in return.

Next was Shownu. Now this man is what I call A MAN. He was quite tall, and exactly what you would expect him to look like in person. I remember his arms to be nice, thick, and long (not strangely long but ya kno a good length). I was so stunned that I also just said “Hi shownu!” He gave me a small smile with a quick bow of his head. I couldn’t help but notice how much power he puts into his high-fives. He caused my lightstick, which was dangling on my right arm (the one i used to touch them), to sway back and forth.

My interaction with Changkyun went by fairly quick. He wasn’t that much taller than me (similar to Kihyun). Now, I know that he always mentions how large his nose is, but personally I didn’t think it was as big as it seemed. It was a good sized nose. I think its just that since his eyes and lips are a bit small, it makes his nose to appear larger. He was so sweet though and told me “thank you so much for coming!”  to which I responded “No, thank you!” 

After him was Jooheon. 

Now let me give you a little back story. in case you didn’t know, LEE JOOHEON IS MY ULT BIAS. I am very soft for Jooheon. I can tear up just by looking at a new photo of him. BUT Jooheon speaking english is also my kink.  

Days before the concert, I decided last minute to create a sign for Jooheon to show him love and support during the concert. The sign I ended up creating was a honey pot with his name on it. At the time I didn’t think it was that big but once I got into the venue, which was pretty small, I realized that i’m definitely going to get noticed. Especially with how close to the stage I was (about 3rd-4th row in the pit). I apologize to those behind me because I was being that annoying fan with a sign slightly larger than a human head. Here’s what it kind of looked like.

I got noticed quite a lot by him. Ugh i’m flustered just thinking about it.

ANYWAYS CONTINUING THE HI TOUCH.

Jooheon was gorgeous. His height compared to me was perfect and he was actually skinnier than they make him seem, but a healthy skinny. 

As soon as I left Changkyun, Jooheon immediately says “I love it!” referring to my sign. Being the emotionally confused person I was (bc soft for him, but english kink at the same time) I quickly nodded and said “thank you! I love you!” I was completely in shock that after those words left my mouth I practically blacked out and I just noticed him point at me with the cutest dimpled smile. 

Last but not least, Minhyuk. I noticed that he was also very tall. He is a total visual/model etc. He looked so amazing. Unfortunately, he seemed the most exhausted. It really hurt me to seem him like this since he’s the most energetic and chipper. This was something I kind of noticed as he was on stage as well. He took my hand and he really looked into my eyes and said “thank you for coming.” I thanked him back of course. 

That was the end of it. 

Although the entire hi-touch experience was literally only 17 seconds long, I noticed a lot, being a detail oriented person.

After leaving the room we were directed upstairs to get back in line for the photo op. Now, remember I recorded this hi-touch, so after I met them I listened back to the video (you can barely see their faces bc bad angle) I listened to every response from every member, but one stood out in particular. I played over a part where I saw Jooheon’s hand point at me. The point where I went blank. It was then that I realized that after I told Jooheon I loved him, He told me “I love you too yeah!” At this point I was on the verge of crying in line, but I knew I had to keep it together for the picture I was going to take. The one picture i’ll probably ever have with Monsta X for the rest of my life.

Moments passed by as we all discussed what we just experienced. Suddenly, one of the employees of powerhouse made his way down the line as he counted each person. Once he arrived to us he said that me, my sister, and our friend are numbers 1, 2, and 3. Meaning we were going to be standing right next to the members in the photo op. We freaked, subtly, since we didn’t want to rub it in to the people in front of us who were going to be no where near the members.

Unfortunately, somewhere during the numbering process, the man either miscounted, or people jumped out of line.The security just before we went to enter to take the photo counted us as 17, 18, and 19. I was livid. I guess that’s what we get for getting our hopes up. I tried to convince the guard that there has to be a mistake because I was told that we’re supposed to be in the next group. Being the stubborn bitch I was, I refused to enter with that number. Another security guard rudely threatened to take us outside if we weren’t going to join that group. I sucked it up and went to take the photo anyway. As I descended down the stairs toward the room so many thoughts ran through my mind. I wasn’t going to risk my chance to take the photo I payed for because I was feeling some type of way.

There were, are, and will be other people in the same position. I thought Hopefully in the future you will get another chance. Suck it up.

the whole situation ruined my mood. I’m sure I looked like a rude bitch once I entered the area. I didn’t want the guys to see me like that so I refreshed my face. I honestly couldn’t even look at them because I knew they would be making heart signs and talking with the other Monbebe. 

They told our row to get on our knees so they could see those in the back. The first photo I didn’t even smile with teeth. All I could do was imagine what was happening behind me. What Jooheon was doing. 

I noticed a lot of staff in front of us. There was the photographer and also a woman with one of those cameras that Monsta X typically use to vlog for MXCH.

“alright everyone smile 1, 2, 3!” said the photographer

*CLICK* the camera and flash shuttered over one another.

I might as well have a nice picture. I thought. I forced the cheesiest smile onto my face. 

The camera flashed again. Photographing yet again the moment I felt the most broken.

I still feel so bitter about it to this day. You guys might think i’m being a bit dramatic (maybe i am lol), but It honestly hurts to even write it. But it’s what happened. (and it’s not only about me, my sister and friend felt very similar emotions, along with many others i’m sure)

Once that was over, we stood up. The staff ran over to block Monbebe from getting any closer and bombarding the members. 

It was at this time that I remembered my letter.

The night before I had written a letter specifically for Jooheon which basically expressed all of my admiration and love for him. 

I tore open my purse to grab the letter. I went over to Jooheon, sliding past each person that was leaving. So much commotion was going on that I could barely hear myself think. 

The staff separating me from Jooheon tried very hard to block me from handing over my letter. Luckily Jooheon noticed and moved his head the opposite way of the staff’s. “Jooheon!” I called out as I stuck out the letter for him to grab. He slipped his arm passed and took it. With yet another cute dimpled smile he said “Thank you!” My starstruck ass said “Bye! I love you!” and headed out before security tried to drag me out.

After exiting the venue I found my sister and friend outside. We discussed once again what we just went through. Overall the security sucked, but the interactions that I received were perfect.

My sister told me that she was going to leave the photo op area, but noticed no one was following her. She turned back and saw that I was so close to Jooheon. Honestly I didn’t even realize how close I was until I thought back to it. 

I still do.

I wish that Hyungwon could have made it to the concert, but his health is more important. I’m glad that he’s having fun on the tour, and that they can all continue and finish up without any injuries.

Despite the negative aspects, this was honestly the best fucking day of my life.

I’m very grateful to have experienced this entire concert and I hope to meet them once again.

Bonus: After going through Hi-Touch I would say that they all have really soft hands, but the two hands that I remember the most are Kihyun’s and Minhyuk’s. Their hands are the softest hands ever!

A/N: I will link my twitter thread here for those of you who wish to watch a few of my videos (including the hi touch)! This thread is more about the actual concert and my experience/interactions.

i’m sorry that this post is kind of a mess, but if you have any questions for me, feel free to ask!!

[daughterofdescartes]

Why my first ‘situationship’ was doomed from the beginning: a personal Romeo & Juliet story

LONG BUT NECESSARY INTRODUCTION

Ah, failed ‘relationships’. It happens to the best of us. It always ends with hurt feelings, you know, because life is programmed to make us all suffer, since nobody knows why we’re here on this planet anyway! I’m turning 20 in December, and am getting over my very first “special someone” *sighs and looks into the distance*... I’m just kidding he wasn’t that special, just happened to be the first dude I had a “thing” with, that’s all. Even though he’s not that special, the experience I went through involving this guy is what changed my life. Yup, I just said that. Sounds hella dramatic, but i’m literally a changed woman. It was a spiritual journey from beginning to end. 90% of the people who know me don’t even know this happened to me. So, if you’re reading this, consider yourself very lucky! Or not, this is going to be really long and I don’t know how interesting I can make this, but stay with me, you guys...

If you want to know what happened, I can tell you this story very shortly without any of the details, and it will just seem like a very dumb story between two youngsters who both didn’t know what they were doing, like my own modern twist on Romeo and Juliet lol. 

TLDR: I met an emotionally unavailable American guy on a dating app, we talked for a week and then we told each other that we liked one another. After another week, I got very overwhelmed and said that we need to take a break. A month had passed and we started talking again. I got immensely insecure because at this period i was the only one texting first. Confronted him with my insecurities many many times. We still talked for a time span of around 3 months. Right now we haven’t spoken in over 3 weeks and I have honestly accepted that this whole situation was doomed to fail from the beginning and am reborn as a new person.

Honestly? I don’t think I’m very heartbroken at all. But this whole experience did tamper with me psychologically, so it’s not like I have no healing to do or anything. I went through a lot of emotional suffering, never truly understanding where it was coming from, but during my evening walk with my dog, a light bulb lit up above my head... (a sockhop beneath my bed, press like if u get the ref xd)

Just so you guys know, this McGuy still haunts my mind everyday. Not all the time, but the thought of him or what has happened, will cross me at least once a day. With this experience being very ‘spiritual’ and all, I have been thinking, a lot. I know, very deep of me. I’ve been thinking a lot about who I am as a person and why I am the way I am and suddenly... it all clicked.

I was always thinking about him and his actions, but when I started seeing the bigger picture, aka including myself in the story, it suddenly made a whole lot more sense. It was never really about him, it was about Me. So here’s kind of a prologue talking about my history after this long ass introduction. 

PROLOGUE

In my 19 years of existence I had never before messed with anyone romantically. I always just crushed on people, not knowing if any feelings were reciprocated, not knowing if there were any secret admirers (doubt it). I’m not ignorant of the reasons why i’ve been celibate my whole life. I know that i’m kind of shy, pretty insecure, look unapproachable as fuck, not a 10 out of 10 according to society’s standards, etc. 

I used to have a harder time coping with the fact that I had never once experienced mutual ‘romantic love’, but when years and years pass by, you just realize that being a celibate teenager is okay. Although I was okay with it, I still had my moments of frustrations. “What’s wrong with me? Why hasn’t anything happened yet?” But always got myself back on my feet again, telling myself I’m fine and just need to be patient. You’re young, you’ve got lots of time! What’s the rush? Even if majority of your friends already had their first kiss in 9th grade; it’s no big deal, right? You just gotta keep yourself busy with other teenager things like, procrastinating school work, being angsty and rebelling against your parents, spending time on the interwebs and whatever else the teenz do.

So, I kept myself busy throughout middle school and high school, had at least one crush every year, because ya girl gets bored sometimes. Most of them weren’t that meaningful, since I kind of suck at talking to guys in general, because I think they’re aliens. So, I never really got to know most of my crushes as people. It was still a fun time regardless, because who cares about rejection, if you just keep it a secret forever? Except for this one dude I obsessively crushed on for 6 years (while simultaneously crushing on other people, wow multitasking Queen), and Young 14 Year Ol’ Me thought it was a very good idea to tell All my Friends in 8th-9th grade, because 14-15 year olds are so trustworthy and won’t tell anyone, right? I’m pretty sure that guy knows how much I liked him and is kind of creeped out, but 14 year old me was just very excited and infatuated.

Anyways, I graduated high school with ok results and 0 romantic experience! Now this is where life Really Begins!!!!! Time for UNIVERSITY!!! *crowd cheering* 

I’ve always been a creative, artistic soul, though I think that quality is diminishing more and more every year, or maybe I’m just imagining it. Nonetheless, I didn’t Really know what I wanted to study, but have always considered architecture an option because of its creative side. 

Boy. 

Most tiring semester of my life. You only understand once you experience the archilife. I once pooped and when I was done, I stood up and looked back, I literally was astonished at the sight of my own feces, because I had literally forgotten that I had pooped, that was how tired I was. If you are grossed out right now, grow up. We all poop. 

This major is extremely grueling and taxing on both your physical and mental health. If you’re a procrastinator, oh boy, now that’s adding fuel to the fire. I kept procrastinating finishing/starting my preparation for the final big presentation and ultimately had a big mental breakdown, and decided that I wanted to quit architecture. It was never my passion anyway, and this is one of the majors you must be passionate about, or else you won’t make it out alive unless you’re a masochist. 

What comes next after architecture? Sinology aka Chinese studies. I only grew up speaking Shanghainese, so mastering the Mandarin language is something that I have literally always wanted. I was always insecure about my Mandarin skills, so let’s just do that lol. 

No matter how awful architecture school might’ve been, I still met some cool people that I really clicked with. (I’m talking like people you can count on one hand, I’m not that social, okay) Which I was really happy about, because I was scared I wasn’t going to have any friends, because I kind of suck at making them. 

Changing majors was a big shift, suddenly I was all by myself again and had to go through the whole making friends progress again, schucks. 

The architecture campus is in Brussels, while the campus for linguistics is in Leuven. Brussels is a lot more diverse, I would say, so there are less white Belgians. 

Let me tell you something about white Belgians, they are horrible at socializing. Especially the province I live in. They’re horrible. I’m also horrible. Conclusion? Making friends in a predominantly Belgian white class, was freaking hard! BECAUSE NO ONE EVEN CARES ABOUT GETTING TO KNOW YOU!!! THEY JUST LOOKING AT THEIR PHONE BITCH!!!! OR TALKING TO THEIR OWN CLIQUE BEING BORING STAYING IN THEIR COMFORT ZONE!!!! Why do new kids in American movies get so much attention, but the two times I’ve been the new kid literally no one cares. That’s the sad reality of life. I mean Hello? If y’all are not gonna make effort to become friends with me? Are you trying to say? That I have to do the work? Bitch? 

So a month had passed, and I still had no friends, it was pretty darn lonely, but I was getting there slowly. But here’s a funny thing! On one of these lonely nights, I was watching a youtube video and it was sponsored by GUESS WHAT? a dating app! WOW... Now here’s where The Story beginz..

CHAPTER 1: INCOMING

So ya bitch was entertaining herself on YewChewb, I was watching some video from some Chinese American guy, and in this glorious video, he is advertising this dating app called EastMeetEast... Yeah, it’s a dating app where Asian people meet each other. Me, a bored lonely dumbass bitch, was like okay, let’s see what this is about. This should be Funny!!! So I made a profile, with some catfishy pictures of myself, you know, take her swimming on the first date and all that shit. So, I match with a few guys okay fun, (you could only match with, only girls or only guys) And this dodgy app requires men to pay for the app so that they can message with girls, because if you use it for free, they can’t see girls’ messages or something weird? Mind you, girls can see and send messages for free. We love this reverse sexism!

Also, this app isn’t very popular in Belgium, mainly American people use it, so ya. I mainly matched with Asian Americans. 

Turning-point, The Life-Changing Encounter of Death: I match with a 19 year old with the initial A. We’ll call him A for the rest of the story, like some fun little mystery like in Pretty Little Liars. (I’ve never watched it) He only had one picture, but he’s cute. Half Italian, half Chinese. Ok, fun. So shortly after matching he sends me this message on the app: “if you want to talk my username is @_________”. He didn’t really put anything in his bio if i remembered but one thing that was stated on his profile is the HIGH SCHOOL he was in. First red flag. HIGH SCHOOL. First of all, what the fuck. Second of all, why the fuck? But ok lonely ol’ me was feeling Adventurous and this matching with people thing was fun. Male validation did not exist to me before this historical day and chatting with a good looking guy was unheard of.

It didn’t really say what social platform the username was for, the platform always get censored because the app just wants you to pay for the app to talk with people, crayzy. But i just assumed i’d find him on instagram, because that’s where everyone’s texting nowadays. I found him and followed him. He followed me back and messaged me, bingo.

We talk for a short while. I said some cringy ass shit I would literally never say to anyone in real life, because a shishter was feeling very Bold that day. I have never said cringier shit than when i was talking to this guy. It wasn’t anything creepy I just complimented his looks and all he said was “thanks, i’ve seen your pics too. very pretty.” Uh? Who talks like this? What kind of dry ass chicken breast are we eating here? He tells me he’s a high school senior and is born in ‘99. Stayed back a year since he migrated from Cuba to Miami. OK, interesting. 

So after shortly introducing ourselves to each other, he suddenly asks if he can have my number? and I was like ??????????????????????????? Why?????????? Forgetting that people actually talk on iMessage, I barely ever do that. But that’s what A meant. I was sceptical but intrigued. 

We talk some more. Doesn’t seem like a bad guy, and he texts back quickly. This is entertaining. When once again, A asks me a sudden question. “Can I call you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to.” My head is full of question marks and I start getting sweaty at the thought of having to call a person I barely know. Like I guess this is American culture? Or I just don’t understand calling culture because I have no friends who enjoy calling? But I was like? Calling? That hateful thing my parents force me to do when mailing is not quick enough? Why would you want to do that?

So I’m like, “UH. I DONT KNOW MAN. I’VE NEVER DONE THIS BEFORE SO I’M KIND OF NERVOUS LOL. I DON’T THINK I’M READY FOR THIS” (not actually in caps, but this symbolizes my very nervous energy) 

And he replies, “It’s okay. I don’t want to push you into doing anything you’re not comfortable with.”

We were literally talking as if he was asking me to have sex with him, when it was just about a dumbass call. It’s so funny. 

Whatever, we continue talking. It’s time for me to sleep. He says “Buenanotte Bella” ..... ?????? OK.

Next day comes, we talk again. He once again asks out of the blue if he can call me??? So I say

“Are you really that curious?”

“Well, aren’t you?”

I was curious, so I caved in and let him call me. It was so nervewracking. The only men I interact with on a regular basis in my life are my dad, brother and my dog. 

Boy, the moment I heard that voice say “hey”. That’s the moment I got hypnotized and became a clown for nearly 5 months. I didn’t know you could be this attracted to a voice, but okay. Unfortunately, my voice cannot compare and he did not get hypnotized in return. Wack.

The call wasn’t too bad. It’s cute looking back at it. I couldn’t believe a guy actually wanted to talk to me. That person texting me, was a real human being with a real voice. I was fucking wonderstruck over the fact that a good looking guy was talking to me so I was on cloud 9, Okay? lmao 

So the time difference between A and I is 6 hours right. Most of the time we’d start talking when it was evening in Belgium, so for A it was always in the afternoon. Only he could say good night to me, and I never could to him. This created a pretty big inbalance in the attachment levels imo.

In this chapter (the first 2 weeks) he would always ask me what I was doing. Like that’s not your business sis. I don’t wanna tell you that i’m a loser that’s not doing shit even though she has shit to do??? But apparently he always wanted to see if I was busy or not so he knew he wasn’t disturbing me and so that he could, you guessed it, call me. 

Everyday, we would text each other, and that was fine, until the dreaded question came. “Can I call you?” BITCH WHY DO YOU WANNA CALL SO BADGSJOGJOISGJI I SWEAR. I didn’t absolutely hate it, but there were just factors that made me not like calling very much. (nearing the end i definitely came to hate it)   

1. I don’t want my parents hear me call with a guy (I literally could’ve worn my earbuds I don’t know why I never thought of it... we stan a dumbass bitch)

2. Sometimes there was literally nothing to talk about because we’re foremost still strangers and it was awkward

3. The fact that I wanted to hide this from my parents, made me highly aware of how loud I was speaking and I couldn’t fully express myself, scared that my parents would barge in on me calling.

4. 90% of his jokes flew over my head, they weren’t that funny. I’m sorry, A. I’m funnier. And that’s just tea.

5. EVEN DURING THE CALL when there was nothing to talk about he’d be like “so what’s up wyd” bitch? calling you? I couldn’t concentrate on anything else everytime because I was a nervous wreck.

6. Even if I wanted to do school work, I would push that aside to call him because, I wanted to hear his voice. Ke$ha - Your Love is My Drug

7. BECAUSE I WANTED TO HEAR HIS VOICE we would even call until 4AM TALKING ABOUT LITERALLY NOTHING IT WAS SO AWKWARD WHY KILL MY CLOWN ASS. I RUINED MY SLEEPING SCHEDULE FOR THAT DONKEY

Our text conversations were honestly, more fun, because when we were calling, a bitch couldn’t think straight. Our calls were most of the time not that fun I don’t understand why he wanted to call everyday. 

Mind you, the shyer i get, the more monotone I get. So I would react very coldly and in a stiff manner during the calls just saying: “Yeah.”, “Sure.”, “Wow.”, “Ok.” BECAUSE I didn’t have time to think and didn’t know what to say 99% of the time. So a week after getting to know A, during the 64th silence in one of our calls, he says this:

“This is gonna sound really insecure but, do you even like talking to me?”

“Yea.” 

So romantic...... I’m swooning...... Pick me up......

Call ends. It’s almost time for me to sleep, but I’m still thinking about what he said right there, so I text: 

“Would a person really stay up until 4AM calling someone although they don’t like talking to them? Silly” JGOIJGOIDSGJOSIGJOS JUST SHOOT ME RIGHT NOW I CAN’T BELIEVE I SAID THAT 

And then he said something along the lines of “I don’t know if you’re talking to me because you’re just bored, or there’s something more.Like tell me what you want from me, woman” like??? woman?????? SECOND RED FLAG DONT CALL ME WOMAN SHUT THE FUCK UP I HATED THAT SO MUCH 

So i was like “idk what do YOU want from me??” And he was like “well” and i was like “i’ll say it too u go first” (lmfao) and then he said

“Honestly I’d like to be romantic with you but, you know, there’s an atlantic ocean between us” and at that moment my heart dropped when I read this text because this might as well have been the smartest point A has ever made in the 4 months of talking to him. He’s right. This humongous distance has slaughtered any budding of any kind of relationship from the very beginning. 

Dude never liked me enough to actually want to initiate a meeting, I don’t blame him. The boy was bored and created an account on a dating app because his friends told him about it. I bet he wasn’t really planning to find an Asian European lover in his last year of high school. 

But who was naive/delusional enough to convince herself that MAYBE these two people who aren’t even that compatible in the first place, could maybe MEET someday and FALL IN LOVE??? ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

With the word ‘romantic’ he probably means fuck, i mean do high school boys actually know what romance is uh. The biggest thing that could have developed in under a week is a small little crush. Anyways, i did not realize this properly and took his statement very seriously and thought “Wow a boy just said he likes me WoW, we will make this Love happen No Matter What” I was thrilled. 

Next morning I wake up, I’m a ball of sunshine. A guy 7876768 kilometers far away from me says he likes me. That is so meaningful. Wow.... 

While I was talking to A, I still matched with other dudes on that stupid app out of boredom, but never talked to them because in my maiden’s ♥heart♥ A was still nr. 1, because he just said he likes me WoW. So while messing around on that app, i keep noticing there’s a green dot next to A’s name, meaning he’s active on the app. And i’m like hmm..... ......................

Me, a nosey bitch, said somethign dumb like “oh you’re active on weird hours” and he just said

“yeah, left it open and let my friends mess around with it” 

.................................hmmmmmmmm investigation time even though it’s literally not my place and I am not entitled to any form of commitment at all 

Let’s talk about the biggest red flag of all red flags that I decided to ignore,

A’s instagram account. Let’s talk about it. 

His username does not include his name, there are NO pictures of him in his feed, only posts dank memes and likes his own posts and if you look at the people he’s following, you see something very interesting!

Half of it are instagram accounts of Asian girls... And most of them weren’t even like popular accounts like they were just really freaking random accounts most of the time, and other ones were girls he met on EastMeetEast.

Yup........ I looked at his moderate collection of Asian girls and thought. Wow this makes me uncomfortable, but he said he likes me, and I don’t think anyone else will ever like me so I should stick to him..... I guess!!!

The only redeeming factor of his instagram is that his profile picture is a kitten, I think her name was Eko or something. Don’t let him hurt you, kitty cat. 

So discovering this information, I felt hurt. He said he wants to get ‘romantic’ with me??? Why is he still collecting other Asian girls when clearly, we will fall in love someday? 

To confirm my already confirmed suspicions that he isn’t in love with me, I send my Indonesian best friend on a mission and let her create an account on EastMeetEast. I told her to try match with him. THEY MOTHAFUCKIN MATCHED I LITERALLY DONT KNOW WHY I WANTED THIS TO HAPPEN THAT HURT LIKE A MOTHAFUCKAR AT THE TIME. MIND YOU, I TOLD HIM MY BEST FRIEND IS INDONESIAN, AND HE SEES THAT AN INDONESIAN BELGIAN WANTS TO MATCH WITH HIM, WHEN 10 PEOPLE IN BELGIUM USE THIS APP. JGSIDOGJOSGJOISGJ MEN ARE SO STUPID

Notice the sudden spike of emotional instability and irrationality after he told me he liked me? It’s extremely important actually. At the time, I did not understand what I was going through emotionally. And I think if you’re just casually reading this, you might be wondering what was wrong with me too. Thank you for worrying about my wellbeing, you are a better person than A. 

So increasingly, I get more and more nervous concerning literally everything that is not pointing towards the direction that he is in fact in love with me, after one week. That’s 7 days, if you will. 

I myself was also questioning my sanity throughout this whole process, because I never thought I would go that far. I talked about other guys to see if he would get jealous. (I don’t really think he cared lmao), constantly checked his activity on instagram (he just likes dank memes about fucking girls or something, what a chad)

Week 2 chimes in, I can tell he still ‘likes’ me, talks about stuff that happens in his American high school life, boasts about literally anything possible to make himself look good, jokes around, some intellectual conversations here and there between a weirdo horny for Asian girls and the most hopeless romantic to have existed.

I was watching a very stupid Belgian reality show, reminiscent of ‘Jersey Shore’ or ‘Ex on the Beach’ that kind of stuff. And I touched on the topic that, men cheating on women is highly popularized in media, and i said that women probs cheat just as much but are better at hiding it,

and he said, “Ha, I would know about that” 

And I was like aw, I’m sorry. He talked about the fact that he had many failed relationships, most of the girls breaking up with him, if I remember correctly and eventually I got curious over the amount of partners he’s had in his 18 years of being alive, so I asked about it.

And he says “I don’t know, I don’t keep track of that stuff” 

??????????????????????????????????? ???????????,

My heart started racing at this point. I was like “What do you mean?” 

A says, “I just don’t count that stuff” And in my mind, my inexperienced maiden’s mind could not comprehend that you could be with so many people at such a young age that you lose track of the number? Actually, you know what, anyone with a healthy mind will find this hard to comprehend, i’m not the crazy one here in this case. Like I look at his instagram, and look at what he says and it doesn’t add up LMAO. Also he kind of fucking sucks at communicating how did he manage to cop that much pussy? 

I kept asking for a number and he just keeps saying “I don’t know. It shouldn’t really matter right? I don’t keep track of that stuff.” But I was just so fucking pressed like? WHAT????? HOW CAN YOU LET SO MANY RELATIONSHIPS FAIL THAT YOU CAN’T COUNT THEM. YOURE 18, IS THIS AMERICA????? IS THIS WHAT CHILDISH WAS RAPPING ABOUT?????? 

I was pissed because he just kept refusing to even give a rough estimate, I’m a capricorn we love em statistics (idk what i’m saying)

So I was angry and gave him short answers. Guess what he sends,

“Call?” 

I say, “No” 

Iconic.

But a few minutes later I give in??? I DON’T KNOW WHY???? LMAOO and we call but it was This Very Last Call that Killed Me

 The Call of Death

Call starts. I’m still pissed about the whole thing and he goes,

“So... what’s the beef with my romantic past?” 

And I say I just really wanted a number because I wanted to at least have an estimate to have something to grasp onto???? fuck so he’s still very irky about it, doesn’t wanna talk about it, MAYBE BECAUSE HE LIED???? BITCH?????

He says “idk maybe over 20″ ...........????? that’s a larger number than his own age and if you do the math he would have had his first serious girlfriend at 12 years old he would have to have had at least 3 to 4 girlfriends every year....??? is this Floridian culture? Is that normal?  Is he talking about anime girlfriends in dating sim games???? 

So this whole topic just upset me like no other, it confused me, I mean what the fuck is he talking about JGOIIJGOISDJGOSDJGOISJG

It got pretty quiet. When A suddenly says 

“You know, if you don’t want to talk to me, we don’t have to” 

“Hm. Maybe I don’t”

“Ok.”

The whole call goes dead fucking silent for like more than 10 minutes or something. I was just lying in my bed, scrolling on my phone, trying not to breathe, so the mic can’t catch any sound and I am internally dying. 

The silence felt like it lasted forever. I didn’t have the guts to end the call. But i said something dumb to break the silence because I couldn’t take it anymore. Idk what I said.

Not too long after breaking the silence, it was so fucking awkward i don’t even know what we were talking about. Clearly, I’m traumatized and my brain is protecting me from whatever happened that night, which I’m thankful for.  

So, not too long after breaking the silence, A says very abruptly, something along the lines of, “I’m home now, bye.” and ends the call. ?????????????

To add to the context, he would mostly go on walks during our calls, what a fit Chad. He really spent some evening walks, just calling me, climbing trees, stealing furniture, talking about literally nothing, that’s so iconic.........  

Anyways that felt absolutely terrible, and I knew I never wanted to do that again, fuck. 

I woke up the next morning feeling just as horrible, not exactly sure why but the previous night had upset me severely. Throughout this whole day I was questioning my sanity, the ‘relationship’ jodsigjosgj, and also wondering, who the fuck is this dude i’m talking to? 

Realizing how much each and every word and action affected me mentally, I felt that I was losing control.

My inner thoughts: This guy is a freaking weirdo. He said he likes me, but then does all these things I do not approve of. I started liking him without really getting to know him and now I face the consequences! We should stop talking for the sake of my own sanity!!!

I’ve been talking about A to two of my close friends, they both roasted him and said I need to leave him, since he’s making me feel miserable with these extreme highs and lows.

That day, I decided A and I should stop talking. This way, I won’t feel the way I feel anymore. Actually felt pretty conflicted, because at this point, I had already grown attached to A. He helped me fill my loneliness when I didn’t have any friends yet in my new major and despite all the red flags, I still wanted to see the good in him. I mean, he said he likes me??? Can’t let that pass!!!!!

I confronted A and asked if he was angry during our last call with the long silence and all. 

He says, “No, I was just joking around” 

????????????????? Idk how dense I really am? But that atmosphere felt heavy and both of us weren’t laughing so I don’t know where the hell he’s coming from LMFAO. But anyways, I tell him what happened last night really upset me for some reason and that maybe we should stop talking, because talking to him everyday had taken an emotional toll on me. 

A says, “Ok, if cutting me off is what you really want, then do so” 

A keeps typing, then stops, keeps typing, then stops. 

“Can you at least tell me what I did wrong, so that I know what to do next time when I land in a situation like this again?” 

I didn’t know what he did wrong either. He was just being himself, I guess. 

I say, “You didn’t do anything. I just don’t think talking to you is doing any good to me. It shouldn’t interfere this strongly with my daily life, but it is.”

He said he understands, and that we should part ways, if that’s what’s best for me. 

I say, “I wonder why I’m having a harder time saying goodbye than you are”

A says, “Believe me, it’s very hard for me too” 

Behind my screen, I started crying? How did I get so attached to somebody I barely knew? I couldn’t understand what was going on with me. 

I wanted to hold onto him for dear life. From the moment A said he liked me, my mind took off to fantasyland. I got so excited about this mutual liking, that my mind overlooked the realism of this whole situation. I was so attached to the idea of someone liking me and the embellishments of romantic love, that I completely malfunctioned when confronted with reality, when my expectations of a perfect love weren’t met. 

Because I didn’t want to let go of that concept of love, I didn’t want to let go of A. Who knows when the next person will like me? It took me 19 years to get my first one? Was my logic lmfao. fuck. 

I said, “Maybe I just need some time to sort myself out. We’ll talk again someday.” I could not let him go, not because I even liked him all that much, but because of the sheer reason that he said he liked me. 

A said, “Do whatever you need to do to make yourself happy. If there’s anything I can do, please tell me. But please don’t cry.”

In this last conversation before the ‘break’, A was oddly enough very sweet to me, which felt horrible. This is the most vulnerable, genuine side I had ever seen of A in the 5 months of knowing him. I wanted to continue talking, but I already said we should stop talking so I was too ashamed to go back on my words GJOIDSJGOSIGJS

We wished each other the best of luck and said our goodbyes.

I said, “Talk to you later, one day”

“I know. Goodbye.” A said, thinking this was our last conversation, because he didn’t think I would actually hit him up a month later. Lol.

CHAPTER 2: ON HOLD

I still have never been in a relationship, but what I felt the next morning, is what I imagine what half of a break up must feel like. I felt empty and wanted to text him almost immediately. 

Yes, ya girl listened to sad songs and she was bawling her eyes out. Jeez. Give me a break. 

Lunchtime came around. I looked out the window as it was snowing. I wanted to take a picture and show him, since it doesn’t snow in Miami, fuck please what the fuck. BUT i couldn’t do any of that because I had already said we’re taking a break, wow. 

I start tearing up and my mom looks worried. 

“Are you okay?” 

“Yeah.” The feeling of eating and crying at the same time is horrible. My mom doesn’t ask me anything further and I just keep sulking for the rest of the day. For the rest of the freaking month. 

Holding back the urge to talk to him that day was extremely difficult, but imagine how ridiculous I would have looked if sis gave up in less than a day, so that held me back LMAO. 

On some days A wasn’t even on my mind and I was living just fine. 

On some nights A was all I could think about. 

I kept thinking about when I should contact him. After my exams? That’s too long. That’s like 2 to 3 months, he’s over me by then! But if I talk to him before my exams, how will that affect my studies? The struggle was real. 

 I wanted this break to calm my feelings and for me to get back on my feet. That didn’t happen. I was still obsessed with the idea of what it must be like to be with someone. And for some odd fucking reason I thought I could make that a reality with A LMAOOOOOOO STOP

I thought, the longer I wait, the bigger the chance he’d no longer be interested in me. That thought was absolutely terrifying to me. I had to talk to him by the end of the month, or else I could not salvage This True Love.

CHAPTER 3: KIKI

We’re nearing the end guys, stay with me. It’s gonna be very anticlimactic, so stay tuned! 

So after a month of anguish and yearning I send him a text. I couldn’t even wait until I got home. I did it while i was on the bus with 4G, um calm down binch???

We start talking again, but for some reason things just felt different to me. I expected things to be different. I wanted to go back to the euphoric point of when we told each other we liked each other or back to him comforting me in our ‘last moments’ before I momentarily cut him off. 

The next day, and the day after, and the day after that, I kept waiting for A to text me first, but he never did. I had to text him first for 4 consecutive days. Is this a bad sign? Did he not like me anymore? He hadn’t even asked if he could call me, which I didn’t really want to do anyway, but at least it meant that he liked me, right? He’d always text back, though. And our conversations were moderately fun. So I couldn’t understand what was going on. I had to know what was going on in his mind. Does he still like me the way he used to?

These 3 months I was constantly very vulnerable, emotionally unstable and very very insecure, once again finding it hard to grasp what I was going through mentally. For tackling these problems, I always went for the approach of wearing my heart on my sleeve. Now, I really don’t know if this was the best tactic, but at least I got everything off my chest and didn’t hold anything in.

“Why haven’t you been texting me first?” 

“Honest to god, I’m just really busy lately. If you want to talk, just talk to me. If you’re bothered with anything, don’t deal with it by yourself. I’m here to listen.” A told me he was preparing for his finals. I once again made a clown of myself. 

But how busy was he really? He still liked his dumbass memes on instagram, continued following Asian girls, why couldn’t he make time for me? Didn’t he like me?  

It dawned on me that I wasn’t on his priority list. And it made sense. Seniors are pretty busy and need to worry about applying for college. Which senior in their right mind would be looking for love? Who was I in his world? Just a part of his collection of Asian girlfriends? Sure that’s kind of hurtful, but can we still make ♥~*LOVE*~♥ happen though? My delusional self thought, Yes!!!!!

As time progressed, I got more and more insecure and kept confronting him with my own problems, and A must’ve gotten more and more sick of my bullshit.

At times he’d text me first, but not make the effort to keep the conversation going at all. I always had to bring up something interesting to keep talking or else the convo would’ve just ended with him giving a one word reply like “lmao” 

He asked to call 2 more times, but I said no, feeling slightly traumatized from what the last call did to me lol. Also, I knew if I heard his voice again, that everything would affect me even more. So we never called.

“Can I call you?”

“Why? Do you miss my voice that much?” LMAOOO BYE WHO DO I THINK I AMMMMJSOIGJSOG

“No, I just need my hands to be free, I’m making homework, so calling seemed easier.”

I realized him wanting to call me, wasn’t necessarily because he liked me, it was mostly out of practicality, so that he could multitask and do something else.

 A was sometimes just flat out rude, and he honestly doesn’t care. He was a self-proclaimed Asshole (is that something to be proud of?) and said that he most of the time doesn’t care if he hurts people’s feelings. That’s scary. Why wouldn’t you care about being a good person? Lawful Evil.

Here are some other red flags that still didn’t stop me from backing away:

Racial slurs are a joke to him 

He really enjoys WWII jokes 

Is heavily annoyed by pride month

When I showed him pictures of my dog, he didn’t seem to care at all

He dislikes Ariana Grande 

Despite all these things, I was still attached to A. For what? He didn’t even like me romantically anymore at this point. What kind of rose goggles was I wearing? LOL. At this point i just wanted his attention.

I kept holding onto something that was never even there to begin with. The possibility of  ♥~*LOVE*~♥ ever happening. I failed to realize that everything was doomed from the beginning. I had been alone all my life and the moment I thought somebody could change that I Snapped Lmao. 

1. The distance. For real, who’s actually going to pay that much money to see someone you barely know and barely care for? 

2. A was never really out there looking for anything serious. He’s a high school senior for god’s sake.

3. My unrealistic fantasies of what should have been happening to achieve   ♥~*LOVE*~♥  constantly clashed with my reality. I was constantly busy fantasizing of what could have been that I failed to see things for what they were. I continuously tried to mold the situation into something it wasn’t.

If you think about it for more than 10 seconds and imagine a situation where we would actually meet, I would probably find the nearest cliff to jump off of. Exactly how much embarrassing cringy shit have I said to this man? 

In probably our last meaningful conversation I asked him what he thinks of me, after “knowing” me for around 4 months.

A says, “I think you’re cool, you just need a confidence booster”

He once again, called himself an Asshole and made the point that I actually have a great personality and am really funny and that I just need to realize it. At least he’s aware. I applaud him. He told me things I already knew, but it was still very thought provoking to think about my confidence because it is the root of many of my problems.

Our last conversations felt like I was beating a dead horse. I don’t think any of us care enough anymore. Our situation was dead from the beginning and that’s fine. I’m glad this story has finally come to an end. I wish A would realize being a good person is actually rewarding, but it’s his own choice to change his life for the better. I wish him the best, and I wish myself the best of luck too. He just graduated high school and might just enter a transitional phase like I did lol. Does everyone go through a rebirth in their first year of uni? Maybe it’s just me. Finally this can die. My soul feels a lot lighter. Like in Shugo Chara, how the X-egg becomes a normal egg again and says “Thank You”, that is literally how I feel right now. Wow.  

CHEESY EPILOGUE

This whole thing started because I felt extremely lonely and bored lol.

And that loneliness was amplified with my insecurities + inexperience of never having had any romance in my life? I always tend to blame myself, when really, inherently, there is nothing wrong with me. Things like a first kiss, a first lover or a first date all come at a different time for everyone. I just need to stop being impatient and glorifying my own concept of what  ♥~*LOVE*~♥  is and just enjoy my life for what it is as time flows. 

The thing about my self-esteem is, I am definitely aware of what a great person I am, but I still find it hard to see my worth? Like, I can see it, but I can’t grasp it? I think I tend to magnify and pick at my flaws so strongly that I can no longer believe in my own capabilites... It’s important to be kind to others but we forget that we should also be nice to ourselves.

If I want to make friends and get to know people, I will, and the right people will like me for who I am. 

I must realize that I am more than what I hate about myself and that I am in fact good enough. Validation from the outside world can be nice but it’s still Me who really needs to believe it. (dattebayo)

Human beings are so complicated and we need to take all the time we need to understand ourselves and understand why we feel the way we feel, why we think what we think.

If you have been reading up to this point, I would like to thank you for taking your time to read about my experience. Hopefully you learned something too! 

I love you :)